Doing the inner work to heal is not easy - but it is so worth it. If you feel you are now ready to help others and you feel passionate about becoming a life coach specializing in breaking through the side effects of cptsd and/or narcissistic abuse - be sure to check out my website: @micheleleenieves.com/narcissistic-abuse-recovery-coaching-certification/
Thanks for creating this. I spent days suffering feeling like I was trapped and needed help . Still some days I find myself ruminating but your content is helping me with these uncontrollable memories. I just wanna forget the narcissist... it’s hurts because I put everything in the relationship and felt like i was talking to a ghost
When you find yourself ruminating, use pattern interrupt! Bring yourself back to present by looking at 4 things around you. Focus on those for a moment and then get up and go do something! Interrupt your rumination! It works most times! 👍
WOW! "They absorb all your unconditional love, and give you conditional "love" crumbs..." Spot on! I am happy to report that I am officially out of this toxic relationship. I did 2 years of this.
2 years feels like 5, i had a year and 3 months in my narc relationship. Ive been out for 2 years and couldnt put a word on my overthinking state. I aged, alot.
This is a MUST-WATCH for those healing from narc abuse. Ruminating insidiously took over my thought process which only made me feel more and more hopeless about my life. I literally had to say STOP and intentionally focus on something GOOD that I had done in my life...just like Michele did in the video. Don't miss the ending for it is hilarious....LOL Michele!!!
You hit home with every video Michelle I focus on thoughts of killing myself cause I've heard that I need to kill myself so much over and over almost daily for several years that it would be the greatest gift to him etc it's all exactly like home. How do I stop ruminating that's the big one
@@awolfadventureawildconnect5311 Think about what you're thinking about. In other words, be mindful of your thoughts; then you start to recognize negative thought processes. Also be mindful of where your thoughts are going, i.e., to the the past? The future? We have to do this constantly, as we shift our minds back into the present moment. I do this by stopping for a minute, looking around, taking in my surroundings, maybe realizing how comfortable my new boots are, how soft the sweater I'm wearing, how fresh the air smells, or how amazing nature is and how interesting everything is around me. I also mentally run through a gratitude list, thinking of all the things I'm thankful and grateful for. As for your narc, what I do is just remind myself that his problems are not my problems. I pray for him, and am able to feel compassion for him, because it is sad that he lives in such a prison in his mind. You are two separate people, so also be mindful of that.
@@sunny3264 wow thank you for your kind advise is a huge problem I'm stuck within right now so need coping skills for it in the midst of it. Bless you!
Exactly, and they spin you around with their pathological lies and constant change of points of view until a point where you feel a frustration and emptiness inside, where you are only able to ruminate.
Stephanie Smith yes basically like a plethora of crazy making voices in your head. There’s no logic in the insane but going crazy yourself. There’s no forwards only a circle in this process. These demons know how to fudge you up!
From my observations this is how most people think. They are either feeling depressed over the past or anxiously anticipating the future. Even narcissists seem to do this to quite an obsessive level. I don't think it's even possible for a narcissist to remove this from their minds, which means they will never experience the satisfaction of mindfulness.
Narc Survivor Great insight! This is so true! They have warped thinking so everything is about control and them. They want what they want, when they want it, no matter what the cost! This is why narcissist are so dangerous when you break it off. They literally see other people as objects and pawns in THEIR game of one sided chess! It really is demented thinking for sure!
Joe Sawyer I agree. I don’t understand these types of demented people, nor will I ever. I had to accept that people like this are really children of the devil. But I don’t think I will ever understand the depths of their absolute extreme wickedness and depravity. I do understand now that people like my ex have no problem murdering their spouse and children. It’s really sick. I had to accept this to move on and heal. I am trying to put back the shattered pieces of myself.
Joe Sawyer Well first I had to escape him and it took me over a decade. I suffered terribly during that time. Lost everything, apartments, all of my family and friends, almost lost my life numerous times and I almost lost my children as well. After I was homeless for a year, sleeping in my car with our then one year old (Our two older children had to live with my elderly mother again) and bouncing around staying in domestic violence shelters, (when there was space) I finally got another apartment ( he got us kicked out of two apartments because of felony stalking) I finally got my Godfather to call the police on him in another city which is why we are alive today. I called the police on him many, many times for years and they would not arrest him until I moved out of that city and got my Godfather to help. Now that I fight every day to not die from the massive injuries I have sustained from him assaulting me and trying to kill me (traumatic brain injury) I have had the time to research how to heal myself at home with Nutrition, my faith, my two social workers (to protect us from further discrimination and harassment), positive thinking, and recovering who I was before this happened, like through prayer, deliverance and the will to go on for my children.
Me too.but we gonna be alright. Lonely is better than hurting and being made miserable all day!! I love you and would be happy to go out with you on a date! 😊
It takes lots of time! I’ve been out and no contact for 3 years. Still repairing emotionally and mentally. Life is so much better now though, and I wouldn’t change it. Be patient! You’re through the hardest part.
i feel completely screw in head .... 35 years of that shit ... same as you , but i never see it .. never .. pure dark magic .... from my own blood ..pure dark evil ... i got stucked when i read her video saying focusing on the insecurity and fear instead of the solution.... it all makes sense .... this is fucked up ... i don't know u randy smith ... but let me tell you that we are like PHOENIX and we will reborn from our ashes ... i swear to god ... and may my energy gives you a bit of that bless .... peace
It's going to take you some time, the best thing you can do is anything new, exercise, time with friends, build yourself up, focus on yourself and understand that it was nothing personal, these people are demonic, they are sick and evil.
Same here bro! My daughter and I got out years ago but still having to deal with her. Trying to keep my daughter out of that thinking is very difficult since she has access to her.
WOW!!! I didn't even know what "ruminating" was till now. It was almost kinda eerie watching your video, because I do the thing you described. I'll try some of your tips to help overcome this. Thanks as always!
This video is so crucial when healing from narcissistic abuse. I’m still struggling with this everyday. When you met the narcissist they strip you of your identity and a sense of who you are and when you do finally break free each day is a battle to find the self again, It’s like we’ve forgotten who we truly are and each day it we have to remind and reprogram ourselves to finding and love our selves again. It’s almost like we’ve forgotten how to be. I wish all of you who experience this love and healing through this journey you are all Survivors and warriors! And thank you so much Michelle for all your Videos And guidance, your videos have helped me immensely. Much love to you all ❤️❤️❤️✨✨✨🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
When you have had it from childhood you have never really been allowed to be yourself...you see glimpses of who you are but after 50 years or more it seems like a dream and quite scary step into it. It's like a mental cage that you live in...I keep sticking my head out though :-) good luck.
I can really relate to what you said about living at from childhood forward. always fixing my mommy, always fixing and taking care of my younger siblings, right into the narcissistic husband and working to be the perfect Mommy while still always reaching back and fixing the mommy, and the siblings that had really turned into my children and my heart from childhood. I was constantly ruminating ruminating till I would find an excuse for their absurd Behavior, an excuse for why I needed to still love and care for them through all their abuse, stealing from me. this is the first time that this word basically was put into my vocabulary. I've been ruminating my whole life to make me the problem so I could be the solution. what a waste of my life. I wish I had these brains today and could do it all over again. they would all be left in my dust. I'm going to focus hard I'm not ruminating by getting up and doing something physical that I will benefit by. good luck to everybody true. Thank you for posting your words. you help me see the problem which is ruminating, which sets me on my path for the solution. :-)
I’m on the way out from this toxic married ( man). They robbed every thing you own, your self confidence, your happiness and your thought process. I’m breaking free from the narc abuse and I hope I won’t be ruminating as much anymore 🙏
Better to hear it from someone who cares like Michelle than hear it from that voice in our head aka the Inner Critic. You are not the only one. I try to take comfort from that. All the best.
My therapist helped me break out of ruminating. The biggest help for me along the journey was to just recognize when I was ruminating. Acknowledging it without needing to resolve it allowed me to consider these thoughts to be foreign/external, which they are, so I could put them aside and move on to whatever else I should address in the present. Meditation for me is a time to more deliberately address such issues by either coming up with a solution quickly (not ruminating) or just saying "be quiet" to such thoughts.
I really don't waste any more mental energy on my narcissistic ex-wife, as she just isn't worth any of my attention. I pray for her Salvation and leave her in Gods hands, as she simply isn't my problem anymore. Rumination = 😫😪 JUST DONT DO IT 5:08! Thanks for another excellent video Michele.
Warren C wow,this is a powerful comment..i just got discarded by narcissist ex-hub and i am a Christian. Your comment just made me see things from a different viewpoint.
Thanks Michelle. ..I had begun to think that it was only me! Ruminating has a devastating effect on my health and can steal half the day! Good to know that it's a normal effect of the abuse. God bless you for taking the time to make these videos.
I’ve done this for so many years of my life. I didn’t know there’s a name for it. I called it over analyzing. Thank you again so much. I’m gonna watch this again. Now I can work on learning not to ruminate and living more in the moment. Thanks Michelle
Right on the money. You can't make logical sense out of insanity, it'll drive YOU crazy trying. You're one of the best teachers on the subject today, and I appreciate what you do.
"... you're stuck in a loop of trying to find logic from an illogical situation, an illogical relationship, and definitely an illogical person ..." It's a good thing to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome to aid in recovery from the incredible trauma. I've also learned that focussing too much and for too long on the Narcissist's behaviour keeps you stuck. It's important to move forward in your own self. I know that in ruminating on the Narcissist, I believed that I was smart and clever in understanding what he was up to, it made me feel like I'd got it all figured out. There comes a point where you have to start breaking away from it. It was holding me back. Thank you to all of you survivors.
I think you are right. I found myself ruminating about my life all over again through the lens of new information about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
100,000 subscribers... amazing. That was cool when you were talking to the other Michele on the couch. Amazing video, I haven't seen a video on this topic before and it is so very important. One of the most important things to be aware of when you are dealing with these people.
Narc Survivor so so true ♥️ I finally understand these triggers are NOT my fault and HE was the weak one not me. Identifying them has become the only way to be aware of them and (slowly) undo the damage that I thought was irrevocable. Thank you @Surviving To Thriving
Narc Survivor - Yes, they get into your head. And when you realise this it suddenly makes sense that pretty much nothing they do needs to make sense in order to achieve what they want! It's a total reversal of everything we learn and know and think of being reasonable and logical! And we have the desire to sort out the chaos and find the reason for the chaos we are stuck in as we can for the life of it not imagine anyone doing it just and only to mess with your heads! It's very advanced psychological warfare! Where do they learn all of this??
Reformed White Knight the only thing I can think is that they are born bitter or they are repeating the same patterns they watched and were abused with as a child. But they are so SO malignant at the point they are it’s next to impossible for them to self reflect and break the cycle. Best word I can think of to describe it: MALIGNANT.
@@laurenbeals5519 yes, malignant does describe them and I basically agree with you and in many cases that could be explained like you do, but 'they are repeating the same patterns they watched' is not applicable in all cases and also how do they learn what makes targets start to ruminate as it is quite an advances technique in terms of making someone addicted and getting into their heads to start a downward spiral in them? Is there any other group of 'people' in the world who's technique is so similar worldwide and often very advances without having had any contact at all with each other or being part or a similar education? It just strikes me that they are the same all over the world, like an army who had the same training or they are part of the same soul group. And 'born bitter' is that not also a nicer sounding word for what was closest described as a demon in the old days?
Satellite Recording Studios I don’t think it’s something they necessarily do consciously.......infact, in a lot of ways it’s a dissociative disorder. From what I understand something happens to them in childhood in the way they are treated or some way they are neglected......and it causes this seed of resentment to be planted in them. My ex was once described by a child custody evaluator as “having a propensity to blame others for his problems” but not able to clinically diagnose him officially as narcissistic, he stated he has characteristics that are similar to narcissism and that he should follow up with a psychiatrist before any increase in custody could be considered. He was too narcissistic to succumb to such possibility of self awareness and accountability. Bottom line, the more threatened by someone’s light narcissists are, the harder they try to cast a shadow over it and convince you it was never there to begin with. They are miserable, jealous people and misery loves company and jealousy covets what it doesnt possess.
I've always been an introspective type who analyzed my past for the good and bad. After my marriage to the narc ended I ruminated for 3 years stuck in the why's, how's and what ifs. Far too long and not productive at all. Learning to live again in the present.
Don't be too hard on yourself. We have to grieve...for the life lost, family lost and that part of ourselves we lost. It won't have been a total waste of time. ..but it does eat up the hours like time hoover!
My narcissistic mother passed away almost 3 years ago, but I'm still living with the fall out. At the time, I realized I was ruminating and started to use distraction as a technique to stop because ruminating was so extremely anxiety provoking. I would spend hours on the computer, binge watch movies, play word games, sudoku, anything to stop myself from thinking about the paradox, that being she loves me but she treats me like she hates me. The problem is, now, when any difficulty arises or anxiety crops up, or even before these start, I'm using the distraction technique so that it has become maladaptive, given my current situation. I am so afraid of feeling anxiety that I will find anything to do that requires a good amount of focus. This means problems aren't addressed, and they get worse because of it. Housework doesn't get done because I can ruminate while doing it. NOTHING gets done. I don't have a clue as to how to break free from this, and my life is in shambles because of it. Michelle, help me figure out what to do. I feel so lazy and.ashamed. I was NEVER like this. I was always so conscientious. What do I do?! It"s almost like I'm deliberately not doing anything, just to prove that I don't have to anymore. Thanks for another great video, Michelle!
I do the same thing, I ruminate so much about EVERYTHING. My past, the present, and the the future. I'm paralyzed by inactivity, I just sit on my ass and THINK about things. Round and round, and my house is filthy, my business doesn't make money, my kids are left on their own a lot, and I watch Netflix to get out of the rumination, but I'm definitely not getting anything done! It's ridiculous. I literally have to think everything to death before I can take action.
Oh, and I keep meaning to listen to music more, I even subscribed to Spot ify premium, but I'll find that I think right through the song and don't even hear it.
@@Agrillot6 You've just described my life. I'm so sorry that you are in this same situation, but I'm so thankful for your comment! Keep trying! I just did a lot of cleaning yesterday and might do some more today. 😁 Love and support to you! 😘❤
Maybe try very small for ex. today I’ll do 30 minutes of cleaning and take a break. During that time I’m going to focus on picking up in living room. Set a timer. If 30 is to long do 10. I can relate I keep trying to beat my times of not having thoughts flood in. Good luck 👍
@@luxetspes4837 I was married to a narcissist for 10 years, I had a 1 year relationship with one that resulted in a baby he hasn't seen in 8 years, and a 5 year marriage today need before that, because my mom is a narcissist. I don't know how to think, I don't know how to get out of the loop. I'm 39 and I haven't LIVED YET! I don't know how to live. I just survive, day by day. And I don't have friends, and I'm weird, no filter. And I'm ashamed of how stupid I've been. I wish to god I knew about narcissists 25 years ago.
One way I stopped rumination is by first recognizing when it happens. When it happens, I forced a weird and unusual response like making a strange sound, whether out loud or not. What this does is to break the cycle of negative responses and shock your brain with that weird response that makes no sense to your brain and emotion. Once you do this for about a week, that particular rumination is not longer used by your brain due to the non-sensical response. Its about breaking the habit of thinking that particular thought,
I've been a victim of narcissistic abuse all my life and I never realized it until the past few years. I've struggled so much with depression, confusion, isolation, difficulty holding a job, chronic fatigue, insomnia, memory problems. It all makes sense to me now. It brings tears to my eyes.Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos. I am very grateful. When you understand you can heal.
This blows my mind because I’m realizing how much time I spend ruminating and looking out for potential threats and red flags from other people. I’m terrified of winding up stuck with another abuser. It would be nice to relax enough to be in the moment and enjoy life.
Well explained. Even when you go no contact, it takes time to overcome the negative patterned thoughts. Before the healing can begin, one must push through the cognitive dissonance (chaos) that they intentionally cause within us. The abuse us for our kindness and forgiveness, while destroying themselves. There is no logic to it.. and as you seek the logic, you get lost in chaos. Only when I accepted that there was no logic, was I able to break through the dissonance, dissasociated states, and seek to find actual solutions. I've been away from my narcissist for roughly two months at this point. Life is so much calmer. I am far happier. Despite the ongoing difficulties, no contact has been the ONE thing that was necessary to begin to heal. I still have tough moments, almost daily. I catch myself ruminating. I have to consciously pull myself out. It gets better with time.. and working on one's own happiness and wellness.
You have an uncanny ability to bring up a concept that has me by the throat and I didn't even know the name for it. Wow. And I thought I was pretty well read and educated. I'm embarrassed to admit I've been doing this for more years than you can imagine. And I've been feeling a strong tug from my heart to turn it around. Thanks again Michele...🤗
I’m so glad my videos can help!! Don’t feel bad - every victim of narcissistic abuse goes through this - but once we know what it is and why it’s taking place - we can begin eliminating it so we can truly live our lives in the present moment!! Sending a big hug 🤗 😊
Spot on! Your role play of ruminating is accurate. Mine got so bad I grabbed my head and yelled out for it to stop and that’s when I realized crazy making was happening and I was in a bad situation. And now slowly seeing that all my symptoms are going away the longer I’ve been on my own
I think I heard this before, and hopefully can explain what she meant. Instead of sitting with your thoughts asking “why” something happened, or “why” someone said something, ask “what” can we do about it. Or “what” can I do to live in the present, not the past (which is what ruminating is…. reliving the past over and over).
One of my big blocks is my abandonment issues. I finally blocked him on my phone, and then he added me on snapchat. I didn't add him back but I felt compelled to text him and explain why. I know he doesn't give a crap about me. He doesn't care if he hurts me. I think he actually gets off on it. Why is it so important for me to treat people how I'd want to be treated even when they're abusive? Probably goes back to my childhood...
I can't even begin to say just how on-time this video showed up in my suggested videos. Thank you so, so much for your commitment to speaking truth and encouragement despite persecution and unfair treatment. Your pain has not led to defeat and or stood without significance. Instead, it has cultivated great healing and comfort in countless other's lives, as well as my own. Thank you.
Its the people in the world who abuse others and take advantage of them daily that motivate me to be the best me that I can be. If there is any positivity out of abusive people who abuse me is that I can focus on self improvement and change myself to be better and wiser than yesterday. I can't change others but I can change myself and keep a distance from toxic individuals while creating and setting boundaries. In a ironic way it was the narcissist, bullies and other predatory individuals that gave me grief and pain so that I was motivated to search for answers and for the rest of my life I am on the self improvement path. So..... I guess its turning a negative into a positive.
Oh yes, it helped a lot to hear this video. It is not just for victims of narc. abuse but for us who ruminate about other things non-stop. My "speciality" is worrying. It's addictive and it doesn't solve any problem. Thank you
This video is EXALENT!!!! I've been doing this constantly for the past 30+ years. Something just clicked for me in relation to the depression and anxiety that has kept me stuck in the past, rather than living for today. I've been rumminating all my life, since childhood and the countless incounters with narcasists and other toxic people. Thanks so much Michelle for recognising this affect. ♥️♥️♥️
Thank you Michele - it seems that all of my life I’ve been blamed for “over analyzing everything” when I was truly ruminating because nothing made logical sense in my mind. I found peace within my heart after watching this. I can be grateful for being trained to ruminate because I am a healthcare provider. Rumination is an asset when it comes to saving a life. The first life I will save is my own. Again - thank you 💜
Yes! i couldn't stop wondering, i would get stuck in this feedback loops, and nothing i tried was ever good enough which only fed even more rumination. but he would actually try and paint the situation as if it were the other way around, as if i was neglectful, making it all about me, not praising him enough, not loving him enough, not talking about what he wanted to hear, not being up until the hour he wanted, and at that time i thought well, maybe he is right, and pushed my own needs farther and farther back, neglecting myself to the point of exhaustion. All of this while receiving silent treatment, bitterness, insults, etc. and part of what made it so exhausting is the fact that i was always thinking on how to make things better, on why things happened, what did i do wrong, etc, so there was little to no space left for myself
I just want you to know I appreciate you - your videos have been there when everyone has turned on me - Iraq was hard/ losing friends was harder/ losing my family was the hardest - There has been many nights I have watched your videos and decided not to pull the trigger and gain the strength to muscle forward to face another day of hell. I am saying all of this because you do make a difference at least in my life and I am sure many others! keep it up we love you!
This is so good. Something that helps me is what I learned from my therapist, this concept of “it could be”. Whenever I find myself going “well maybe it’s this, what if this, what if...why doesn’t he do this,” this constant mind loop of trying to make sense of it, I greet every one of the thoughts with “well, it could be that, or maybe it could be this. But maybe I will never know and that is okay with me.” It helps me acknowledge my thoughts but let them go. Healing from abuse is hard. Sending love to every one working through this alongside me.
I have found that focusing on my 5 senses help pull me back to my current reality. 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I can touch, 2 things I can smell, 1 thing I can taste (often I will put in gum for this last because it's easy to carry in my bag). Hope this trick helps someone
This is so true. I did this for a good year after my separation with my ex narcissist. Lil by lil im getting out of that State of Mind of ruminating, and it feels so good not to be stuck in that state of mind anymore. I feel like I can finally start living. Thank you Michelle for all your advice
Yes let go of people like that… You don't need to be anywhere near a narcissist, life is too short ....run as fast as you can.. 💁🏻🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️they are NOT Capable of love!!!!
Amazing how clearly you portray rumination. I can’t tell you how often I catch myself doing it. I plan to put your suggestions to practice. I already meditate but I can be more mindful now that I know how it works. Thank you so much!!
I've watched a lot of different videos about narcissistic abuse and this young lady understands every little nuance of the pain and problems that people feel and have to deal with. She is doing Gods work.
Beautiful...I think their gratuitous anger is so unseemly that we simply can not find a way to justify it. When we deal with a narcissist we become so adept at continuously giving other people the benefit of the doubt and come up with reasons for poor behavior...but SOMETIMES it is unfathomable, and the rumination begins. We are like a computer that won't stop running until it finds an answer, when there is no answer. The most effective thing I have done is remind myself that THEY ARE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW. I think about how I am now abusing myself 100 times more than their actual outburst because that hour of BS...has just become 13 years.
Thank you for this video. My father was a narcissist/bully. So I learned to ruminate at a very young age, probably since I was four years old. These days I search for ways to stay in the present. It isn't natural for me, but it's a daily practice. God willing, eventually my brain will be clearer. I love your videos. God bless you.
Wow, Michelle! This video is amazing and you are amazing! This is a VERY valuable video, in my opinion. I have been successfully "No Contact" for a while now yet I can still relate! It is my sincerest hope that more people would understand that "No Contact" is the only answer to being truly free, from rumination and many other forms of abuse. No Contact = No Access = No Abuse. Thank you for reminding people that they should live their lives, not stuck in that crazy world that includes ruminating. You are a blessing to our community!
I love you for making this video for free and wanting to help others who have suffered from narcissistic abuse!!! Very eye opening and very helpful!!!! This nails it on the head!!!
I needed to hear this. I’m obsessed with problem. I have found myself trying to get answers to a chaotic problem. Searching for answers about narcissism is pointless. Letting go and moving forward is the only logical solution. It’s was miserable and she was no fun and boring in the end. She would say sweet things in the beginning but that went and it was just anger. The only thing I need to know is get away and don’t turn back. Meditation works also surfing, there’s no room to think about anything other than not drowning. Your forced to clear your mind in the water or you’ll end up hurt.
This was such a gift to watch! I saw myself at the ruminating on the couch part. It captured a lot of what I couldn’t put words to. I really appreciated that you gave strategies focused on us - and not on the narcissist. Thank you!
In general, the more time you spend with Cluster Bs, the more you start to develop Cluster B traits. They change you. For the worse. And bizarre as it sounds (b/c *it is* ), the only escape is to go 100% no contact otherwise they'll keep you around as standing supply for the rest of their life. Yes, forever. I've witnessed it.
You have the best advice and videos on narcissism that I've ever seen. I can't begin to tell you how much you've helped me in what has seemed like the never ending healing/ recovery process. I'm eternally grateful for you ❤
Omg thanks girl, I mentioned awhile ago about a “psychologist” who caused me to ruminate with his mind games pretending to care but just twisting up my and others thoughts, in the end he made me feel like It was all my fault but it isn’t
This video really hit home. This is exactly what my wife does to me. Had no idea I was ruminating until I saw this. It's nice to understand what she is actually doing to me. It all makes sense now. She says the meanest and nastiest things to me but says she loves me so much. I found a great therapist who is helping me deal with my codependency and I am hoping to get strong enough one day to file for divorce again and this time actually go through with it! Thanks do much for all of your videos Michelle!
This is my biggest problem right here, by far. It's been 6 years and I haven't been able to get through it. Doesn't help that I'm still figuring out and having to face the HORRENDOUS things he did to harm me while we were together. Very, very serious things that will affect me for the rest of my life. I'm afraid to tell most people because I'm afraid - no, I KNOW, some will not believe me. This man was actually DIAGNOSED with narcissistic personality disorder AND agressive, sadistic personality type. I don't know that there's a worse diagnosis. He nearly killed me, more than once. The things he did in order to achieve that goal are truly unreal. I never in my life would thought there were "people" like him out in the world. I need help. I just need someone I can confide in who won't doubt me, or think I'm crazy. Help?
Michele....Wow! Your examples are spot on. I have been doing this for years. The confusion my narcissist created kept me stuck in the fog for years. Its maddening! I did tried to focus on solutions, only to find my wife unravelling everything I do over and over. I could not make sense out of her actions like you said. I have all the symptoms of distress you described. I’m finally away from this dark person. I’m working on becoming normal now. Thanks for sharing this message. I still have a lot to unravel. (I feel like I am addicted to ruminating. Drives me nuts. She’s gone and I definitely do not know what normal is....crazy!) I definitely have to work on being present in the moment. Excellent video! 👍🏾😀
Your rumination example was very eerie because they're the EXACT same thoughts I'm having! This finally helped me to better understand that none of the things he said and did to me were special or unique to our relationship, WHICH MEANS nothing he said or did to me was even about me or my worth or if he actually thinks I'm ugly or boring etc etc.... I logically knew this wasn't about me but doubts and insecurities creep in and I get down on myself. I finally feel this logic in my heart after watching this. Thank you so much, you did what none of the other 1000s of videos I've watched on the topic could 🤗
Wow, you were in my head there, except for the bit where he tells me loves me, that never happened! Now I find putting on a great dance song like “9 to 5”, “Footloose” or “When the going gets tough” in the morning and dancing for a couple of minutes helps start the day by concentrating on me. Then yoga (Yoga with Adriene) focuses on me, then thinking about how I’m going to be post narc even if it’s just doing things the way I want to do them. Was ruminating for 27 years and have always had the TV on in the background to drown out the ruminating. Take back your power!
I have been constantly ruminating and over analyzing every single interaction with a person for the last five years, trying to please and validate them; while receiving only crumbs of conditional attention. I am so glad I found this video tonight!
Remind yourself throughout the day as you are cooking, eating, cleaning... basically any repetitive task. Remind yourself to focus on what you are doing and most importantly enjoy it. Ask yourself how the food looks, smells and tastes, the texture. Do this enough and it will soon happen automatically. You will begin to fall in love with cooking, eating and maybe even cleaning.
If one has not been through this and/or is not an expert on this disorder they cannot relate. It is amazing how they have you trained as a gerbil in a wheel. One loses their self, their identity. The solution for me was about two weeks ago when it finally hit me with such clarity that she is a monster, a vicious monster who knew/ knows what she does. Seeing the reality that I lost nothing because I had nothing. It was all a demonic, evil façade to suck me of my identity. I hope that those of you stuck in this ruminating hell, will eventually come to this epic place of peace.
@@ElMachoNacho193 Sorry Roberto that's just not the case for many of us. If I did that my mum would use it to tell me how it's not her fault I feel this way that I can't tell anyone else or that I need help..she used to tell me that she would have me commited or locked up when I tried to reason with her especially after she had attacked me physically. For many of us our mum and dad and siblings are the abusers. If your mum listens to you then I am glad for you.
This is SO timely! Thank you! Once you get out ... man The co parenting the non sensical decisions and how they effect the children. I had no idea the ruminating loop was still going. It’s shifted from MY emotions to parenting issues. I am so used to the energy I didn’t even notice I’m still doing it. I am not present with my children because I’m constantly trying to analyze WHY their father would..... Thank you!
I ruminate daily. I am still trying to fix my situation which is being separated (pending divorce) from my narc husband of 50 years. I don’t know how to fill the emptiness & loneliness of not living with him. He totally consumed my life so that now I don’t know me. I just sit & stare out the window. There are absolutely no thoughts about anything.
Stop think and start working on making new relationship with people. Narcis are realy sadistic and fortune is, that's fact, you are finish with him and there is no way to find new narcis again. Try to write blog, go out in pub, find friends and, in time I promise you, it will be much much better. To said simple- your life has just started. Go travel, hiking, play whatever you want and avoid to watch TV. It is big, big world outside waiting just for you. I wish you all the best.
Love all of your neat new special effects Michelle! So glad you are doing well! You have come a long way in healing! You truly are living by your title!
Such a helpful video. Thanks Michele for your kind heart, openness, truthful, compassion and sharing. People talk about spirituality much these days, as if it's something out of reach, mystical....I see anything from a compassionate heart, discerning mind and most important of all, genuine intention, as spiritual. Your videos are work of spirituality. Being grown up in narcssistic environments since small and dealing in works/personal relationships with narcssists one after one...literally non-stop and super intense in the past 8 years, all by myself (perhaps lessons for this life), there are times I loose tracks. And yes, the way our society develops makes ppl more disconnected (and hence less ability to produce their own energy/disempowered) and hence more narcisstic minds so as to feed off from others. Thanks for helping me re-connecting with my higher self, a strong, confidence, compassionate n sober minded soul. Without boasting much, I quite admire myself of achieving all these, but more importantly, find such good videos produced by a genuine heart.
Michele, I am so grateful for this video. What a wake up call!! Without my realizing it, my life has been one long ruminating session since the narc entered my life. No more! Time for action and living in the present moment! Thank you.
THANK YOU!!!! For years I’ve been sooo embarrassed about finding myself “spacing out” for long gaps and then becoming aware of where I’m actually at and what am I doing or supposed to be doing!!!!! 😨🥴🤕
I know this video came out several years ago, but I relate to the information. I've recently realized I've been in a toxic relationship for 30 years. I find as I'm going through the divorce process, I'm on a bad cycle if ruminating while trying to get her out of my life. Thank you for the information, hopefully it will help my healing process.
Brilliant video! This is the crux of the entire dynamic between narcissist and partner. I have a narcissist in my life who won’t be leaving- long unimportant story. (He’s a close family friend.) About 6 yrs ago I found myself “ruminating”. I did research and began healing after understanding. My feelings took awhile to recover, but I changed my approach toward him immediately. What I love about this video is it BRILLIANTLY DEMONSTRATES the role we as the victim seem to volunteer for! Nowadays I realize our friend narcissist is a sad weak crybaby who CAN NOT function in healthy relationship. (2 divorces, constant conflict.) Now I use the skills I used on my toddlers, back in the day. It works perfectly on narcissism ! I also believe narcissism is on autism spectrum. I have an adopted autistic daughter who has made remarkable strides. In college with developed skills for healthy relationship, which was a long road. My daughter and our narcissist friend are so similar in their base capacity. The difference, my daughter got help!
Hey Michele just want to say thanks for sharing! This is benifit so much to the world! I had no idea about this disorder. I found you 2 days later after my breakup You know sadly I never been educated about narcissism before. 8 months on roller coaster he used all those techniques with me.( I didnt even know lol) The last fight, again nonsense drama for 4 hours, so I said I want to move on and walked away omg he punished me took my handbags( that night I had no money phone room key or even just water ) he left me outside of condo over night. He screamed at me almost physical with me. Unbelievable behaviours. He talked bad about my family threaten me and bla bla. That night I know right away he never love me it was all lies. Everything that happened to me from day 1 until the end exactly what you said. This people are just evils!!! I wish I knew this before. Thank you. Your channels help the world. Keep going!
WOW and WOW!! So, it was ruminating, which i still do, but way less since i learned about NPD? I recently saw a woman i was originally very alike years ago. It shocked me. She remains light, open, her own self, while being wise. She's clearly had the space to be who she is and knows no different. How lovely, i thought after seeing her again. She has her own style, and lives who she is. I was hated for that by narc family. They did everything to stop it. And yes, ruminating made me extremely physically ill, eventually. We are what we think. Now i realise it was ruminating, which i still do here and there, i know what I'm dealing with. You are always so spot on. Bless your heart!
I’ve been watching these videos for about a week and narc came over to run a game but I had been going over in my mind to do like you said in one of your videos to stay calm and give short polite responses. WOW!!! I witnessed pain on her face. She tried again but now I saw this was really working!! No explosions she just left quietly and she’ll be back but I danced a jig and that night I slept better than I had in a long time. THANK YOU 🙏
Best video ever!! I am the #1 ruminator on the earth, I do this from the sec I get up til I go to sleep. Been married to a drunk angry narc. I found this channel about 6 month ago and was floored. This is my daily life ☹️. Thank u so much Michelle u opened my eyes to my twisted life. Now our kids are grown time to go!!!
Michelle, you described me 100%! It has been as though I can't break free from thinking about anything but him, the why, worrying about what is coming next, and worse of all, okaying his insults over and over in my mind.
Doing the inner work to heal is not easy - but it is so worth it. If you feel you are now ready to help others and you feel passionate about becoming a life coach specializing in breaking through the side effects of cptsd and/or narcissistic abuse - be sure to check out my website: @micheleleenieves.com/narcissistic-abuse-recovery-coaching-certification/
Thanks for creating this. I spent days suffering feeling like I was trapped and needed help . Still some days I find myself ruminating but your content is helping me with these uncontrollable memories. I just wanna forget the narcissist... it’s hurts because I put everything in the relationship and felt like i was talking to a ghost
Not only is your advice great, you are sure easy on the eyes!
@@deepsouth3319 😀✋
When you find yourself ruminating, use pattern interrupt! Bring yourself back to present by looking at 4 things around you. Focus on those for a moment and then get up and go do something! Interrupt your rumination! It works most times! 👍
That's really good advice...look at something to bring us out of our heads. Thank you.
Awesome suggestion!!!
Thank you Shastina, that helps! 👍
@Warren Fielding 👈troll
Shastina thank you. I will try it.
1. Always be in the present
2. Make meaningful connections with people
3. Mindful meditation
4. Be proactive in finding solutions to your problems
Giving us back CRUMBS of Conditional Love! Spot on...
WOW! "They absorb all your unconditional love, and give you conditional "love" crumbs..." Spot on! I am happy to report that I am officially out of this toxic relationship. I did 2 years of this.
2 years feels like 5, i had a year and 3 months in my narc relationship. Ive been out for 2 years and couldnt put a word on my overthinking state. I aged, alot.
This is a MUST-WATCH for those healing from narc abuse. Ruminating insidiously took over my thought process which only made me feel more and more hopeless about my life. I literally had to say STOP and intentionally focus on something GOOD that I had done in my life...just like Michele did in the video. Don't miss the ending for it is hilarious....LOL Michele!!!
💖
You hit home with every video Michelle I focus on thoughts of killing myself cause I've heard that I need to kill myself so much over and over almost daily for several years that it would be the greatest gift to him etc it's all exactly like home. How do I stop ruminating that's the big one
@@awolfadventureawildconnect5311 Think about what you're thinking about. In other words, be mindful of your thoughts; then you start to recognize negative thought processes. Also be mindful of where your thoughts are going, i.e., to the the past? The future? We have to do this constantly, as we shift our minds back into the present moment. I do this by stopping for a minute, looking around, taking in my surroundings, maybe realizing how comfortable my new boots are, how soft the sweater I'm wearing, how fresh the air smells, or how amazing nature is and how interesting everything is around me. I also mentally run through a gratitude list, thinking of all the things I'm thankful and grateful for. As for your narc, what I do is just remind myself that his problems are not my problems. I pray for him, and am able to feel compassion for him, because it is sad that he lives in such a prison in his mind. You are two separate people, so also be mindful of that.
@@sunny3264 vipassana meditation is best of best to do
@@sunny3264 wow thank you for your kind advise is a huge problem I'm stuck within right now so need coping skills for it in the midst of it. Bless you!
1:12 Holy Hell! This is like straight out of my brain! It's nightmare that you can't wake up from!
Me too :(
Exactly, and they spin you around with their pathological lies and constant change of points of view until a point where you feel a frustration and emptiness inside, where you are only able to ruminate.
OMG I went through this for 17 years. This is so spot on! It’s crazy making! It was an absolute nightmare and literally a living hell!
Stephanie Smith yes basically like a plethora of crazy making voices in your head. There’s no logic in the insane but going crazy yourself. There’s no forwards only a circle in this process. These demons know how to fudge you up!
From my observations this is how most people think. They are either feeling depressed over the past or anxiously anticipating the future. Even narcissists seem to do this to quite an obsessive level. I don't think it's even possible for a narcissist to remove this from their minds, which means they will never experience the satisfaction of mindfulness.
Narc Survivor Great insight! This is so true! They have warped thinking so everything is about control and them. They want what they want, when they want it, no matter what the cost! This is why narcissist are so dangerous when you break it off. They literally see other people as objects and pawns in THEIR game of one sided chess! It really is demented thinking for sure!
Joe Sawyer I agree. I don’t understand these types of demented people, nor will I ever. I had to accept that people like this are really children of the devil. But I don’t think I will ever understand the depths of their absolute extreme wickedness and depravity. I do understand now that people like my ex have no problem murdering their spouse and children. It’s really sick. I had to accept this to move on and heal. I am trying to put back the shattered pieces of myself.
Joe Sawyer Well first I had to escape him and it took me over a decade. I suffered terribly during that time. Lost everything, apartments, all of my family and friends, almost lost my life numerous times and I almost lost my children as well. After I was homeless for a year, sleeping in my car with our then one year old (Our two older children had to live with my elderly mother again) and bouncing around staying in domestic violence shelters, (when there was space) I finally got another apartment ( he got us kicked out of two apartments because of felony stalking) I finally got my Godfather to call the police on him in another city which is why we are alive today. I called the police on him many, many times for years and they would not arrest him until I moved out of that city and got my Godfather to help. Now that I fight every day to not die from the massive injuries I have sustained from him assaulting me and trying to kill me (traumatic brain injury) I have had the time to research how to heal myself at home with Nutrition, my faith, my two social workers (to protect us from further discrimination and harassment), positive thinking, and recovering who I was before this happened, like through prayer, deliverance and the will to go on for my children.
Holy Shit. 18 years of that craziness You nailed it. Been out 5 months... I still feel screwed in the head. Isolated me from everyone
Me too.but we gonna be alright. Lonely is better than hurting and being made miserable all day!! I love you and would be happy to go out with you on a date! 😊
You're sweet 😘
It takes lots of time! I’ve been out and no contact for 3 years. Still repairing emotionally and mentally. Life is so much better now though, and I wouldn’t change it. Be patient! You’re through the hardest part.
i feel completely screw in head .... 35 years of that shit ... same as you , but i never see it .. never .. pure dark magic .... from my own blood ..pure dark evil ... i got stucked when i read her video saying focusing on the insecurity and fear instead of the solution.... it all makes sense .... this is fucked up ...
i don't know u randy smith ... but let me tell you that we are like PHOENIX and we will reborn from our ashes ... i swear to god ... and may my energy gives you a bit of that bless .... peace
It's going to take you some time, the best thing you can do is anything new, exercise, time with friends, build yourself up, focus on yourself and understand that it was nothing personal, these people are demonic, they are sick and evil.
I'm a 56 year-old male Target of my narc wife and this lesson just brought me to tears. Thanks lady.
Brother i feels ya, thanks for sharing 👍 🙏
Same here bro! My daughter and I got out years ago but still having to deal with her. Trying to keep my daughter out of that thinking is very difficult since she has access to her.
Unmitigated Evil has no bounds. Jezebel and Delilah Spirit SQUARED!
WOW!!! I didn't even know what "ruminating" was till now. It was almost kinda eerie watching your video, because I do the thing you described. I'll try some of your tips to help overcome this. Thanks as always!
Jack
I feel dumb about this; but i thought i was just thinking deeply. Guess i got to quit that because i cant see now where this is a good thing.
This video is so crucial when healing from narcissistic abuse. I’m still struggling with this everyday. When you met the narcissist they strip you of your identity and a sense of who you are and when you do finally break free each day is a battle to find the self again,
It’s like we’ve forgotten who we truly are and each day it we have to remind and reprogram ourselves to finding and love our selves again. It’s almost like we’ve forgotten how to be. I wish all of you who experience this love and healing through this journey you are all
Survivors and warriors! And thank you so much Michelle for all your Videos
And guidance, your videos have helped me immensely. Much love to you all ❤️❤️❤️✨✨✨🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
When you have had it from childhood you have never really been allowed to be yourself...you see glimpses of who you are but after 50 years or more it seems like a dream and quite scary step into it. It's like a mental cage that you live in...I keep sticking my head out though :-) good luck.
Mandy G 🙏🏽❤️
I can really relate to what you said about living at from childhood forward. always fixing my mommy, always fixing and taking care of my younger siblings, right into the narcissistic husband and working to be the perfect Mommy while still always reaching back and fixing the mommy, and the siblings that had really turned into my children and my heart from childhood. I was constantly ruminating ruminating till I would find an excuse for their absurd Behavior, an excuse for why I needed to still love and care for them through all their abuse, stealing from me. this is the first time that this word basically was put into my vocabulary. I've been ruminating my whole life to make me the problem so I could be the solution. what a waste of my life. I wish I had these brains today and could do it all over again. they would all be left in my dust. I'm going to focus hard I'm not ruminating by getting up and doing something physical that I will benefit by. good luck to everybody true. Thank you for posting your words. you help me see the problem which is ruminating, which sets me on my path for the solution. :-)
I’m on the way out from this toxic married ( man). They robbed every thing you own, your self confidence, your happiness and your thought process.
I’m breaking free from the narc abuse and I hope I won’t be ruminating as much anymore 🙏
Thank you.
This hits home pretty hard. A little tough to hear, but certainly worth it! Thanks for posting this.
Better to hear it from someone who cares like Michelle than hear it from that voice in our head aka the Inner Critic. You are not the only one. I try to take comfort from that. All the best.
My therapist helped me break out of ruminating. The biggest help for me along the journey was to just recognize when I was ruminating. Acknowledging it without needing to resolve it allowed me to consider these thoughts to be foreign/external, which they are, so I could put them aside and move on to whatever else I should address in the present. Meditation for me is a time to more deliberately address such issues by either coming up with a solution quickly (not ruminating) or just saying "be quiet" to such thoughts.
I really don't waste any more mental energy on my narcissistic ex-wife, as she just isn't worth any of my attention. I pray for her Salvation and leave her in Gods hands, as she simply isn't my problem anymore.
Rumination = 😫😪 JUST DONT DO IT 5:08!
Thanks for another excellent video Michele.
Warren C best wishes!
Warren C wow,this is a powerful comment..i just got discarded by narcissist ex-hub and i am a Christian. Your comment just made me see things from a different viewpoint.
Thanks Michelle. ..I had begun to think that it was only me! Ruminating has a devastating effect on my health and can steal half the day! Good to know that it's a normal effect of the abuse. God bless you for taking the time to make these videos.
I loved your ruminating montage. LOL! But it's exactly how it happens!
True !
Susan Macaluso it is spot on. 🤦🏽♀️
I agree!
Your podcast are saving lives. Do thankful for this message.
So glad they’re helpful 😊🤗😘
Yes,,they are really saving lives...
Regrets had a few yes
I’ve done this for so many years of my life. I didn’t know there’s a name for it. I called it over analyzing. Thank you again so much. I’m gonna watch this again. Now I can work on learning not to ruminate and living more in the moment. Thanks Michelle
Same
Right on the money. You can't make logical sense out of insanity, it'll drive YOU crazy trying.
You're one of the best teachers on the subject today, and I appreciate what you do.
"... you're stuck in a loop of trying to find logic from an illogical situation, an illogical relationship, and definitely an illogical person ..." It's a good thing to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome to aid in recovery from the incredible trauma. I've also learned that focussing too much and for too long on the Narcissist's behaviour keeps you stuck. It's important to move forward in your own self. I know that in ruminating on the Narcissist, I believed that I was smart and clever in understanding what he was up to, it made me feel like I'd got it all figured out. There comes a point where you have to start breaking away from it. It was holding me back. Thank you to all of you survivors.
Good points. You have to just focus on yourself and move on
I think you are right. I found myself ruminating about my life all over again through the lens of new information about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
“Trying to make logic out of an illogical situation.” That sums up my 31 year marriage.
100,000 subscribers... amazing. That was cool when you were talking to the other Michele on the couch. Amazing video, I haven't seen a video on this topic before and it is so very important. One of the most important things to be aware of when you are dealing with these people.
Narc Survivor so so true ♥️ I finally understand these triggers are NOT my fault and HE was the weak one not me. Identifying them has become the only way to be aware of them and (slowly) undo the damage that I thought was irrevocable. Thank you @Surviving To Thriving
Narc Survivor - Yes, they get into your head. And when you realise this it suddenly makes sense that pretty much nothing they do needs to make sense in order to achieve what they want! It's a total reversal of everything we learn and know and think of being reasonable and logical!
And we have the desire to sort out the chaos and find the reason for the chaos we are stuck in as we can for the life of it not imagine anyone doing it just and only to mess with your heads! It's very advanced psychological warfare!
Where do they learn all of this??
Reformed White Knight the only thing I can think is that they are born bitter or they are repeating the same patterns they watched and were abused with as a child. But they are so SO malignant at the point they are it’s next to impossible for them to self reflect and break the cycle. Best word I can think of to describe it: MALIGNANT.
@@laurenbeals5519 yes, malignant does describe them and I basically agree with you and in many cases that could be explained like you do, but 'they are repeating the same patterns they watched' is not applicable in all cases and also how do they learn what makes targets start to ruminate as it is quite an advances technique in terms of making someone addicted and getting into their heads to start a downward spiral in them?
Is there any other group of 'people' in the world who's technique is so similar worldwide and often very advances without having had any contact at all with each other or being part or a similar education? It just strikes me that they are the same all over the world, like an army who had the same training or they are part of the same soul group. And 'born bitter' is that not also a nicer sounding word for what was closest described as a demon in the old days?
Satellite Recording Studios I don’t think it’s something they necessarily do consciously.......infact, in a lot of ways it’s a dissociative disorder. From what I understand something happens to them in childhood in the way they are treated or some way they are neglected......and it causes this seed of resentment to be planted in them. My ex was once described by a child custody evaluator as “having a propensity to blame others for his problems” but not able to clinically diagnose him officially as narcissistic, he stated he has characteristics that are similar to narcissism and that he should follow up with a psychiatrist before any increase in custody could be considered. He was too narcissistic to succumb to such possibility of self awareness and accountability.
Bottom line, the more threatened by someone’s light narcissists are, the harder they try to cast a shadow over it and convince you it was never there to begin with. They are miserable, jealous people and misery loves company and jealousy covets what it doesnt possess.
I've always been an introspective type who analyzed my past for the good and bad. After my marriage to the narc ended I ruminated for 3 years stuck in the why's, how's and what ifs. Far too long and not productive at all. Learning to live again in the present.
Don't be too hard on yourself. We have to grieve...for the life lost, family lost and that part of ourselves we lost. It won't have been a total waste of time. ..but it does eat up the hours like time hoover!
My narcissistic mother passed away almost 3 years ago, but I'm still living with the fall out. At the time, I realized I was ruminating and started to use distraction as a technique to stop because ruminating was so extremely anxiety provoking.
I would spend hours on the computer, binge watch movies, play word games, sudoku, anything to stop myself from thinking about the paradox, that being she loves me but she treats me like she hates me.
The problem is, now, when any difficulty arises or anxiety crops up, or even before these start, I'm using the distraction technique so that it has become maladaptive, given my current situation. I am so afraid of feeling anxiety that I will find anything to do that requires a good amount of focus.
This means problems aren't addressed, and they get worse because of it. Housework doesn't get done because I can ruminate while doing it. NOTHING gets done.
I don't have a clue as to how to break free from this, and my life is in shambles because of it. Michelle, help me figure out what to do.
I feel so lazy and.ashamed. I was NEVER like this. I was always so conscientious. What do I do?! It"s almost like I'm deliberately not doing anything, just to prove that I don't have to anymore.
Thanks for another great video, Michelle!
I do the same thing, I ruminate so much about EVERYTHING. My past, the present, and the the future. I'm paralyzed by inactivity, I just sit on my ass and THINK about things. Round and round, and my house is filthy, my business doesn't make money, my kids are left on their own a lot, and I watch Netflix to get out of the rumination, but I'm definitely not getting anything done! It's ridiculous. I literally have to think everything to death before I can take action.
Oh, and I keep meaning to listen to music more, I even subscribed to Spot ify premium, but I'll find that I think right through the song and don't even hear it.
@@Agrillot6 You've just described my life. I'm so sorry that you are in this same situation, but I'm so thankful for your comment! Keep trying! I just did a lot of cleaning yesterday and might do some more today. 😁 Love and support to you! 😘❤
Maybe try very small for ex. today I’ll do 30 minutes of cleaning and take a break. During that time I’m going to focus on picking up in living room. Set a timer. If 30 is to long do 10.
I can relate I keep trying to beat my times of not having thoughts flood in. Good luck 👍
@@luxetspes4837 I was married to a narcissist for 10 years, I had a 1 year relationship with one that resulted in a baby he hasn't seen in 8 years, and a 5 year marriage today need before that, because my mom is a narcissist. I don't know how to think, I don't know how to get out of the loop. I'm 39 and I haven't LIVED YET! I don't know how to live. I just survive, day by day. And I don't have friends, and I'm weird, no filter. And I'm ashamed of how stupid I've been. I wish to god I knew about narcissists 25 years ago.
One way I stopped rumination is by first recognizing when it happens. When it happens, I forced a weird and unusual response like making a strange sound, whether out loud or not. What this does is to break the cycle of negative responses and shock your brain with that weird response that makes no sense to your brain and emotion. Once you do this for about a week, that particular rumination is not longer used by your brain due to the non-sensical response. Its about breaking the habit of thinking that particular thought,
I've been a victim of narcissistic abuse all my life and I never realized it until the past few years. I've struggled so much with depression, confusion, isolation, difficulty holding a job, chronic fatigue, insomnia, memory problems. It all makes sense to me now. It brings tears to my eyes.Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos. I am very grateful. When you understand you can heal.
This blows my mind because I’m realizing how much time I spend ruminating and looking out for potential threats and red flags from other people. I’m terrified of winding up stuck with another abuser. It would be nice to relax enough to be in the moment and enjoy life.
Well explained. Even when you go no contact, it takes time to overcome the negative patterned thoughts. Before the healing can begin, one must push through the cognitive dissonance (chaos) that they intentionally cause within us. The abuse us for our kindness and forgiveness, while destroying themselves. There is no logic to it.. and as you seek the logic, you get lost in chaos. Only when I accepted that there was no logic, was I able to break through the dissonance, dissasociated states, and seek to find actual solutions. I've been away from my narcissist for roughly two months at this point. Life is so much calmer. I am far happier. Despite the ongoing difficulties, no contact has been the ONE thing that was necessary to begin to heal. I still have tough moments, almost daily. I catch myself ruminating. I have to consciously pull myself out. It gets better with time.. and working on one's own happiness and wellness.
You have an uncanny ability to bring up a concept that has me by the throat and I didn't even know the name for it. Wow. And I thought I was pretty well read and educated. I'm embarrassed to admit I've been doing this for more years than you can imagine. And I've been feeling a strong tug from my heart to turn it around. Thanks again Michele...🤗
I’m so glad my videos can help!! Don’t feel bad - every victim of narcissistic abuse goes through this - but once we know what it is and why it’s taking place - we can begin eliminating it so we can truly live our lives in the present moment!! Sending a big hug 🤗 😊
@@FromSurvivingToThriving . 💖
Spot on! Your role play of ruminating is accurate. Mine got so bad I grabbed my head and yelled out for it to stop and that’s when I realized crazy making was happening and I was in a bad situation. And now slowly seeing that all my symptoms are going away the longer I’ve been on my own
Don't ask "why" but "what". A different world awaits. If I did it, so can you!!!
what do you mean?
Can you please explain what u meant?
I think I heard this before, and hopefully can explain what she meant. Instead of sitting with your thoughts asking “why” something happened, or “why” someone said something, ask “what” can we do about it. Or “what” can I do to live in the present, not the past (which is what ruminating is…. reliving the past over and over).
I was just explaining this to someone yesterday. When there's no RECIPROCITY leave them alone. Crazy doesn't make sense
One of my big blocks is my abandonment issues. I finally blocked him on my phone, and then he added me on snapchat. I didn't add him back but I felt compelled to text him and explain why. I know he doesn't give a crap about me. He doesn't care if he hurts me. I think he actually gets off on it. Why is it so important for me to treat people how I'd want to be treated even when they're abusive? Probably goes back to my childhood...
The lack of RECIPROCITY is what pushed me to leave after 4 years. Good one!
Never thought about this but it rules my life - I am an adult child of TWO narcissists. Thanks for shining a LIGHT on this!!!!
I can't even begin to say just how on-time this video showed up in my suggested videos. Thank you so, so much for your commitment to speaking truth and encouragement despite persecution and unfair treatment. Your pain has not led to defeat and or stood without significance. Instead, it has cultivated great healing and comfort in countless other's lives, as well as my own. Thank you.
This is spot on - iv been this way for a very very long time.
Its the people in the world who abuse others and take advantage of them daily that motivate me to be the best me that I can be. If there is any positivity out of abusive people who abuse me is that I can focus on self improvement and change myself to be better and wiser than yesterday. I can't change others but I can change myself and keep a distance from toxic individuals while creating and setting boundaries. In a ironic way it was the narcissist, bullies and other predatory individuals that gave me grief and pain so that I was motivated to search for answers and for the rest of my life I am on the self improvement path. So..... I guess its turning a negative into a positive.
So true... Same here
Oh yes, it helped a lot to hear this video. It is not just for victims of narc. abuse but for us who ruminate about other things non-stop. My "speciality" is worrying.
It's addictive and it doesn't solve any problem. Thank you
This video is EXALENT!!!! I've been doing this constantly for the past 30+ years. Something just clicked for me in relation to the depression and anxiety that has kept me stuck in the past, rather than living for today.
I've been rumminating all my life, since childhood and the countless incounters with narcasists and other toxic people. Thanks so much Michelle for recognising this affect. ♥️♥️♥️
*excellent
Thank you for your videos! They are very helpful. I struggle with overthinking a lot. Even now I can’t sleep. It sucks!
Thank you Michele - it seems that all of my life I’ve been blamed for “over analyzing everything” when I was truly ruminating because nothing made logical sense in my mind. I found peace within my heart after watching this. I can be grateful for being trained to ruminate because I am a healthcare provider. Rumination is an asset when it comes to saving a life. The first life I will save is my own. Again - thank you 💜
it's been 13 years and I STILL ruminate! I didn't even realize that's that's where it started until now...THANK YOU!!!
Yes! i couldn't stop wondering, i would get stuck in this feedback loops, and nothing i tried was ever good enough which only fed even more rumination. but he would actually try and paint the situation as if it were the other way around, as if i was neglectful, making it all about me, not praising him enough, not loving him enough, not talking about what he wanted to hear, not being up until the hour he wanted, and at that time i thought well, maybe he is right, and pushed my own needs farther and farther back, neglecting myself to the point of exhaustion. All of this while receiving silent treatment, bitterness, insults, etc. and part of what made it so exhausting is the fact that i was always thinking on how to make things better, on why things happened, what did i do wrong, etc, so there was little to no space left for myself
Wow. This was me exactly!
ESSENTIAL VIDEO on a topic that has not being covered enough on the you tube.
I just want you to know I appreciate you - your videos have been there when everyone has turned on me - Iraq was hard/ losing friends was harder/ losing my family was the hardest - There has been many nights I have watched your videos and decided not to pull the trigger and gain the strength to muscle forward to face another day of hell. I am saying all of this because you do make a difference at least in my life and I am sure many others! keep it up we love you!
Thank you for being brutally honest! Narc abuse sufferers need to hear it without kids' gloves. :)
This is so good. Something that helps me is what I learned from my therapist, this concept of “it could be”. Whenever I find myself going “well maybe it’s this, what if this, what if...why doesn’t he do this,” this constant mind loop of trying to make sense of it, I greet every one of the thoughts with “well, it could be that, or maybe it could be this. But maybe I will never know and that is okay with me.” It helps me acknowledge my thoughts but let them go. Healing from abuse is hard. Sending love to every one working through this alongside me.
I have found that focusing on my 5 senses help pull me back to my current reality. 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I can touch, 2 things I can smell, 1 thing I can taste (often I will put in gum for this last because it's easy to carry in my bag). Hope this trick helps someone
This is so true. I did this for a good year after my separation with my ex narcissist. Lil by lil im getting out of that State of Mind of ruminating, and it feels so good not to be stuck in that state of mind anymore. I feel like I can finally start living. Thank you Michelle for all your advice
Yes let go of people like that… You don't need to be anywhere near a narcissist, life is too short ....run as fast as you can.. 💁🏻🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️they are NOT Capable of love!!!!
Thank you! I will follow your tips because I need to break this mental loop and start to live again😊❤️
Amazing how clearly you portray rumination. I can’t tell you how often I catch myself doing it. I plan to put your suggestions to practice. I already meditate but I can be more mindful now that I know how it works. Thank you so much!!
I've watched a lot of different videos about narcissistic abuse and this young lady understands every little nuance of the pain and problems that people feel and have to deal with. She is doing Gods work.
Beautiful...I think their gratuitous anger is so unseemly that we simply can not find a way to justify it. When we deal with a narcissist we become so adept at continuously giving other people the benefit of the doubt and come up with reasons for poor behavior...but SOMETIMES it is unfathomable, and the rumination begins. We are like a computer that won't stop running until it finds an answer, when there is no answer. The most effective thing I have done is remind myself that THEY ARE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW. I think about how I am now abusing myself 100 times more than their actual outburst because that hour of BS...has just become 13 years.
GoddessStone thank you. what you said really makes sense to me and I am grateful
I hope all of us survivors learn to love ourselves soon ❤️
Omg. Thank you
Ive waited for something like this.
Thank you for this video. My father was a narcissist/bully. So I learned to ruminate at a very young age, probably since I was four years old. These days I search for ways to stay in the present. It isn't natural for me, but it's a daily practice. God willing, eventually my brain will be clearer. I love your videos. God bless you.
Wow, Michelle! This video is amazing and you are amazing! This is a VERY valuable video, in my opinion. I have been successfully "No Contact" for a while now yet I can still relate! It is my sincerest hope that more people would understand that "No Contact" is the only answer to being truly free, from rumination and many other forms of abuse. No Contact = No Access = No Abuse. Thank you for reminding people that they should live their lives, not stuck in that crazy world that includes ruminating. You are a blessing to our community!
I love you for making this video for free and wanting to help others who have suffered from narcissistic abuse!!! Very eye opening and very helpful!!!! This nails it on the head!!!
I needed to hear this. I’m obsessed with problem. I have found myself trying to get answers to a chaotic problem. Searching for answers about narcissism is pointless. Letting go and moving forward is the only logical solution. It’s was miserable and she was no fun and boring in the end. She would say sweet things in the beginning but that went and it was just anger. The only thing I need to know is get away and don’t turn back. Meditation works also surfing, there’s no room to think about anything other than not drowning. Your forced to clear your mind in the water or you’ll end up hurt.
This was such a gift to watch! I saw myself at the ruminating on the couch part. It captured a lot of what I couldn’t put words to. I really appreciated that you gave strategies focused on us - and not on the narcissist. Thank you!
In general, the more time you spend with Cluster Bs, the more you start to develop Cluster B traits. They change you. For the worse. And bizarre as it sounds (b/c *it is* ), the only escape is to go 100% no contact otherwise they'll keep you around as standing supply for the rest of their life. Yes, forever. I've witnessed it.
That is an excellent demonstration of how that feels.
You have the best advice and videos on narcissism that I've ever seen. I can't begin to tell you how much you've helped me in what has seemed like the never ending healing/ recovery process. I'm eternally grateful for you ❤
Omg thanks girl, I mentioned awhile ago about a “psychologist” who caused me to ruminate with his mind games pretending to care but just twisting up my and others thoughts, in the end he made me feel like It was all my fault but it isn’t
This video really hit home. This is exactly what my wife does to me. Had no idea I was ruminating until I saw this. It's nice to understand what she is actually doing to me. It all makes sense now. She says the meanest and nastiest things to me but says she loves me so much. I found a great therapist who is helping me deal with my codependency and I am hoping to get strong enough one day to file for divorce again and this time actually go through with it! Thanks do much for all of your videos Michelle!
Wow this really helps. Out of all I watch and read about narcissisTs this information brings a whole new level of understanding. Love u for this
This is exactly how I feel about my parents 😶 I'll waiste days in this type of thought process .
This is my biggest problem right here, by far. It's been 6 years and I haven't been able to get through it. Doesn't help that I'm still figuring out and having to face the HORRENDOUS things he did to harm me while we were together. Very, very serious things that will affect me for the rest of my life. I'm afraid to tell most people because I'm afraid - no, I KNOW, some will not believe me. This man was actually DIAGNOSED with narcissistic personality disorder AND agressive, sadistic personality type. I don't know that there's a worse diagnosis. He nearly killed me, more than once. The things he did in order to achieve that goal are truly unreal. I never in my life would thought there were "people" like him out in the world. I need help. I just need someone I can confide in who won't doubt me, or think I'm crazy. Help?
Your videos are a huge part of my wake up and healing. I could never pin point what the problems really were, and felt alone.
Michele....Wow! Your examples are spot on. I have been doing this for years.
The confusion my narcissist created kept me stuck in the fog for years.
Its maddening! I did tried to focus on solutions, only to find my wife unravelling everything I do over and over. I could not make sense out of her actions like you said. I have all the symptoms of distress you described.
I’m finally away from this dark person. I’m working on becoming normal now. Thanks for sharing this message. I still have a lot to unravel. (I feel like I am addicted to ruminating. Drives me nuts. She’s gone and I definitely do not know what normal is....crazy!)
I definitely have to work on being present in the moment.
Excellent video! 👍🏾😀
Bravo on the acting and editing :)
Your rumination example was very eerie because they're the EXACT same thoughts I'm having!
This finally helped me to better understand that none of the things he said and did to me were special or unique to our relationship,
WHICH MEANS
nothing he said or did to me was even about me or my worth or if he actually thinks I'm ugly or boring etc etc....
I logically knew this wasn't about me but doubts and insecurities creep in and I get down on myself. I finally feel this logic in my heart after watching this. Thank you so much, you did what none of the other 1000s of videos I've watched on the topic could 🤗
Wow, you were in my head there, except for the bit where he tells me loves me, that never happened! Now I find putting on a great dance song like “9 to 5”, “Footloose” or “When the going gets tough” in the morning and dancing for a couple of minutes helps start the day by concentrating on me. Then yoga (Yoga with Adriene) focuses on me, then thinking about how I’m going to be post narc even if it’s just doing things the way I want to do them. Was ruminating for 27 years and have always had the TV on in the background to drown out the ruminating. Take back your power!
I have been constantly ruminating and over analyzing every single interaction with a person for the last five years, trying to please and validate them; while receiving only crumbs of conditional attention. I am so glad I found this video tonight!
Tell me about it, rumination is a big ongoing issue for me 😕💙💕💜
Remind yourself throughout the day as you are cooking, eating, cleaning... basically any repetitive task. Remind yourself to focus on what you are doing and most importantly enjoy it. Ask yourself how the food looks, smells and tastes, the texture. Do this enough and it will soon happen automatically. You will begin to fall in love with cooking, eating and maybe even cleaning.
If one has not been through this and/or is not an expert on this disorder they cannot relate. It is amazing how they have you trained as a gerbil in a wheel. One loses their self, their identity. The solution for me was about two weeks ago when it finally hit me with such clarity that she is a monster, a vicious monster who knew/ knows what she does. Seeing the reality that I lost nothing because I had nothing. It was all a demonic, evil façade to suck me of my identity. I hope that those of you stuck in this ruminating hell, will eventually come to this epic place of peace.
You can always call your mom and ruminate to her. They will always listen to you no matter how much u repeat. Trust me.
@@ElMachoNacho193 Sorry Roberto that's just not the case for many of us. If I did that my mum would use it to tell me how it's not her fault I feel this way that I can't tell anyone else or that I need help..she used to tell me that she would have me commited or locked up when I tried to reason with her especially after she had attacked me physically. For many of us our mum and dad and siblings are the abusers. If your mum listens to you then I am glad for you.
Mandy G i was telling him as a male. I assumed his problem was his ex and not his mom. Sorry
That was exceptionally helpful... it always seems that only another person can help you snap out of it!
They take our uncontidional love and gives us crumbs of conditional love. So true! Thank you.❤❤❤
Take on learning something new...mine was yoga... forcing myself to be focused on ANYTHING else helped a lot. Peace and love to you all. Namaste. ❤️
This is SO timely! Thank you!
Once you get out ... man
The co parenting the non sensical decisions and how they effect the children. I had no idea the ruminating loop was still going.
It’s shifted from MY emotions to parenting issues.
I am so used to the energy I didn’t even notice I’m still doing it.
I am not present with my children because I’m constantly trying to analyze WHY their father would.....
Thank you!
I ruminate daily. I am still trying to fix my situation which is being separated (pending divorce) from my narc husband of 50 years. I don’t know how to fill the emptiness & loneliness of not living with him. He totally consumed my life so that now I don’t know me. I just sit & stare out the window. There are absolutely no thoughts about anything.
Stop think and start working on making new relationship with people.
Narcis are realy sadistic and fortune is, that's fact, you are finish with him and there is no way to find new narcis again.
Try to write blog, go out in pub, find friends and, in time I promise you, it will be much much better.
To said simple- your life has just started. Go travel, hiking, play whatever you want and avoid to watch TV. It is big, big world outside waiting just for you.
I wish you all the best.
Love all of your neat new special effects Michelle! So glad you are doing well! You have come a long way in healing! You truly are living by your title!
Wow! Great illustration!!
Thank you. I am ready to heal!!!
Such a helpful video. Thanks Michele for your kind heart, openness, truthful, compassion and sharing. People talk about spirituality much these days, as if it's something out of reach, mystical....I see anything from a compassionate heart, discerning mind and most important of all, genuine intention, as spiritual. Your videos are work of spirituality. Being grown up in narcssistic environments since small and dealing in works/personal relationships with narcssists one after one...literally non-stop and super intense in the past 8 years, all by myself (perhaps lessons for this life), there are times I loose tracks. And yes, the way our society develops makes ppl more disconnected (and hence less ability to produce their own energy/disempowered) and hence more narcisstic minds so as to feed off from others. Thanks for helping me re-connecting with my higher self, a strong, confidence, compassionate n sober minded soul. Without boasting much, I quite admire myself of achieving all these, but more importantly, find such good videos produced by a genuine heart.
Michele, I am so grateful for this video. What a wake up call!! Without my realizing it, my life has been one long ruminating session since the narc entered my life. No more! Time for action and living in the present moment! Thank you.
THANK YOU!!!! For years I’ve been sooo embarrassed about finding myself “spacing out” for long gaps and then becoming aware of where I’m actually at and what am I doing or supposed to be doing!!!!! 😨🥴🤕
I know this video came out several years ago, but I relate to the information. I've recently realized I've been in a toxic relationship for 30 years. I find as I'm going through the divorce process, I'm on a bad cycle if ruminating while trying to get her out of my life. Thank you for the information, hopefully it will help my healing process.
The audio you created to show what rumination really feels like is excellent. Thank you so very much for your videos.
Brilliant video! This is the crux of the entire dynamic between narcissist and partner. I have a narcissist in my life who won’t be leaving- long unimportant story. (He’s a close family friend.) About 6 yrs ago I found myself “ruminating”. I did research and began healing after understanding. My feelings took awhile to recover, but I changed my approach toward him immediately. What I love about this video is it BRILLIANTLY DEMONSTRATES the role we as the victim seem to volunteer for! Nowadays I realize our friend narcissist is a sad weak crybaby who CAN NOT function in healthy relationship. (2 divorces, constant conflict.) Now I use the skills I used on my toddlers, back in the day. It works perfectly on narcissism !
I also believe narcissism is on autism spectrum. I have an adopted autistic daughter who has made remarkable strides. In college with developed skills for healthy relationship, which was a long road. My daughter and our narcissist friend are so similar in their base capacity. The difference, my daughter got help!
For you, my amazing brother.
These are the words on rumination I've been attempting to express.
Hey Michele just want to say thanks for sharing! This is benifit so much to the world! I had no idea about this disorder. I found you 2 days later after my breakup
You know sadly I never been educated about narcissism before.
8 months on roller coaster he used all those techniques with me.( I didnt even know lol)
The last fight, again nonsense drama for 4 hours, so I said I want to move on and walked away omg he punished me took my handbags( that night I had no money phone room key or even just water ) he left me outside of condo over night. He screamed at me almost physical with me. Unbelievable behaviours. He talked bad about my family threaten me and bla bla.
That night I know right away he never love me it was all lies.
Everything that happened to me from day 1 until the end exactly what you said.
This people are just evils!!!
I wish I knew this before.
Thank you. Your channels help the world. Keep going!
WOW and WOW!! So, it was ruminating, which i still do, but way less since i learned about NPD? I recently saw a woman i was originally very alike years ago. It shocked me. She remains light, open, her own self, while being wise. She's clearly had the space to be who she is and knows no different. How lovely, i thought after seeing her again. She has her own style, and lives who she is. I was hated for that by narc family. They did everything to stop it. And yes, ruminating made me extremely physically ill, eventually. We are what we think. Now i realise it was ruminating, which i still do here and there, i know what I'm dealing with. You are always so spot on. Bless your heart!
I’ve been watching these videos for about a week and narc came over to run a game but I had been going over in my mind to do like you said in one of your videos to stay calm and give short polite responses. WOW!!! I witnessed pain on her face. She tried again but now I saw this was really working!! No explosions she just left quietly and she’ll be back but I danced a jig and that night I slept better than I had in a long time. THANK YOU 🙏
I need to watch this over and over again so I can stop ruminating. Thank you Michele
Best video ever!! I am the #1 ruminator on the earth, I do this from the sec I get up til I go to sleep. Been married to a drunk angry narc. I found this channel about 6 month ago and was floored. This is my daily life ☹️. Thank u so much Michelle u opened my eyes to my twisted life. Now our kids are grown time to go!!!
Michelle, you described me 100%! It has been as though I can't break free from thinking about anything but him, the why, worrying about what is coming next, and worse of all, okaying his insults over and over in my mind.
This is spot on. In the relationship and even 2 months after it all with the betrayal and lack of any closure too.
I love your videos! They help me find so much clarity, thank you & keep making more!
So glad you like them - thank you for your encouraging words 😊🤗😘
Thank you, Michele ... Everyone who's been a narcissist's target should watch and listen to this video. Again, thanks.
wow I needed this a lot and I needed this now thank you so much.