First time foster parent vs experienced foster parent: Saying goodbye & reunification
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ย. 2024
- I remember my first reunification. I was not prepared for the "goodbye" moment. I'm sure whatever I said wasn't exactly what I hoped it would be.
After some experience, I learned to say my "goodbyes" the day before. Then, when it's time to say goodbye on the day of reunification, I can more clearly support the child and their parent. Offering choice, comfort, care, support, and focus on the reunion. I also find I am not as emotional, but I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing - I know everyone handles things differently!
I try not to promise anything that I am not completely sure about. This can be confusing.
And by saying you are sad, depending on the age of the child, they may get confused and feel guilt or blame for making you sad by leaving.
Of course, every child will want to hear something different from you, and so it's important to be in tune with their specific needs.
If you need help processing so you can remain calm, sincere, and regulated during the goodbye, consider finding a trusted foster parent friend to vent with, join a support group, seek out spiritual support, or work with a mental health professional.
My way of doing things certainly is not the only way. Feel free to drop your experiences and tips below! ⬇️
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As a foster child I would like to say that you are doing a great job. This is exactly how you should take care of a foster child. Every time I see your videos I am like:"yes I would have loved to be treated that way, ut would of been much better"
And again, you are doing a great job and I am unable to describe how hard it hits me when I see your videos, and now I am crying
Is just that you are so on point, I think that God made you to be a foster mom.
You are so precious 💕
im not a foster kid but i stillt hink the same everytime lol
She should almost make a course for foster parents. I wish this was the state bar for foster parents. I was a foster kid and I understand the well intentions but more often than not they were not prepared for the emotional mental health needs and the type of care kiddos like me needed to be able to have a fighting chance as adults. Also most parented imo reactively and we're ill equipped for the whole situation.....
Yes she is! God bless you
I really like your new vs. seasoned foster parent videos. They make such an impactful message about how to turn good intentions into helpful and healthy practices. Thank you Laura! ❤️
Thank you for the feedback! That is my intent with these videos, I'm glad that comes through! I never want people to feel shamed - many of these things have been inspired by my own missteps or learnings along the way. Always room to improve and better serve the kids and families we care for.
@@foster.parenting You do a great job of showing others how to improve without ever belittling or downgrading someone else's efforts. Due to that, it really comes across that you are sharing your experiences and trying to support others. Thank you for educating in such a positive way.
Also, thank you for all that you do - both with these videos, and off camera caring for kids in need. You are the definition of awesome! 💕👍
I second this! It's suuuuper helpful to see that even with good intentions, there might be a more helpful way to approach things. Conversely, because we have good intentions and are trying our best, even mistakes in approach can still do good.
I cried for 2 weeks but I told them they were gonna love living with their auntie. Never seen them again. 10 years later the love is still there.
You’re a beautiful person ❤ thank you for loving that child when they needed it the most
You have a beautiful heart. It makes me feel good knowing that kind of love exists in the world, and that any one of us might be being loved like that right now, without even knowing it. I like to believe we FEEL it though.
These videos make me cry cuz I wish I had a parent that cared this much about me as a child. I was never a foster kid but I grew up with a single, drug addicted, mom. She was never home, and when she was, she never talked to me like she cared about me as a person. I wish I felt this kind of love
Oh... So sorry that you had to experience this. 😢 I hope you will find people who care about you and love you... ❤
I know it's not the same, and I do not mean to minimize one moment of your understandable sadness, but please know there is at least one stranger out here that is rooting for you and wishing for you all the love and TLC you deserve now.
The self-reparenting is real. 🙏
Take care! So sad!
I love that you show that you still get to have those 'I love you's and let the child know how much you care about them and will think about them always, but still make reunification more about the happiness of a family getting to be together again. That's awesome.
I’m only a teenager, but I’ve always wanted to have foster kids when I’m older. I know there are so many kids out there who need it and I want to be able to help. These videos have helped me learn more about the right way to do things and I’ll definitely keep all this info in mind in the future. Thank you.
This is exactly how I feel
When I first got kinship care of my niece and nephew, my husband and I were told we were not allowed to hug them or tell them we love them. They said it would prevent any "misunderstandings". I was appalled. I told them these children really family and no matter what I would always tell them I love them and give them hugs. I told trm I didn't understand as I grew up in the system. The main thing most kids in care need is someone to love them (in a healthy way), and everyone needs a hug now and then.
I can see where workers might be coming from depending on why the kids were removed, but that's a terrible way to address it, and good for you for speaking up! What they're asking is for you to emotionally neglect the children you're supposed to be caring for after a traumatic event. That's the last thing those kids needed, and would only cause more harm! There really needs to be more staff available to consult on best practices for kids (of course easier said than done, unfortunately).
To me that's strange because they are your niece and nephew. Of course you would show love to them.
I told the them that I have always given my niece and nephew hugs and told them I love them, and there was no way I was going to stop because they would never understand that. Now they praise me on how happy and well adjusted the kids are. These are the same workers that removed my nephew from his parents care at 6 months old and had no idea how to change a diaper and install a car seat. They have much better workers this time around (3rd time) and the workers are supporting me in getting custody of the kids.
@@michelleandrews6856 You are so right! I hug my nephews and tell them I love them every time I see them, which thankfully is often. If I ever had to take custody of my nephews, there's no way that would change! When the kids are already family, stopping any (appropriate) familial affection could really cause confusion and more hurt to already hurting kids, especially when they're used to regular hugs from you.
Thank goodness you still up for them and we’re there for them! You seem like a great person❤
ugh lord who cut the onions around here??? my inner 6 year old is absolutely balling. thats the most perfect responce ever. youre an angel of a person, youre doing an AMAZING job for these kids and God has a special seat for people like you🥺✨💗🙏🏻
That's true for every parent. My mom always guilttripped me (I don't think she did it on purpose but she just gets too overwhelmed by her own emotions that she forgets to put me first when it's smth that is a good thing for me for example getting into a good university but it's far away)
Grass is always greener on the other side, just remember that. I never guilt trip my kids, I got one that thought I didn't care. 😢 she probably doesn't want you to think she doesn't care. It really is a hard balance to achieve to raise kids to be independent and to not feel loved. Over protective parents can create resentment in children.
Yep, it's so important as a parent to remember how much kids love you and want you to be happy! They might not say it but it's at the heart of so much. For me parenting has included a lot of sneaking away to another room to cry for a minute so I don't make the moment heavy w the kids. PS congrats on getting into that good university!!
@@julielaythe704I can guarantee you that it was not your “lack of guilt tripping” that made your child feel like you don’t care about them. Maybe take a look at your behavior overall
@@maddieb.4282 I can guarantee your wrong.
@MushyCabbageevery child is literally codependent on their parents, that's what parents are for. My mom is one of the overmeddling types too, controlling my relationships well into adulthood. I really don't want that. I started to separate myself and really work on myself (it involves lots of therapy because she also wasn't always the nicest). Nowadays I can't tell her much anymore, either she meddles with it or she doesn't care, but it made me way better.
It's such a small thing, and it makes a huge difference. You wouldn't think that staying these kind words in a different setting to have such a huge impact.
It's amazing the sincerity in your voice. Even though your "acting" for these tiktoks I can tell this is coming from a very real place 😢 it makes me tear up
Great ideas! My own insight:
It's very normal/common for kids to start being sensitive to your emotions, especially as they get older. Even when you don't want to focus on yourself, they might sense your sadness or have complicated feelings about how they hope YOU feel. In that situation, you shouldn't lie to them, and I've found that explaining your feelings fully both gives them the reassurance they're looking for while also giving them some insight into healthy emotional processing.
I work in a residential facility (ages 6-12), and when kids graduate out of the program, they often ask if we'll be sad that they're gone. Me and most of my coworkers say some variation of "I'm going to be sad in a really, really happy way - like I'm proud, even if I miss you. I hope I never see you here again, and every time I see [reminder], I'll just think 'Dang, I'm glad [name] got outta here'"
It can change from child to child, but the goal is to be truthful with your own feelings while still reminding the child that right now, the situation IS about them, and they don't need to worry about us. We ARE a little sad (amongst all the happy), and that's OKAY. It's not theirs to worry about, and being sad doesn't have to always be something Bad™
I’m only 23, still living at home and in school - so obviously I won’t be qualified to foster for a while yet, but it’s something I really want to be able to do one day, and these videos are always so inspiring, and so informative. One day if I ever actually begin the process to become a foster parent, I’ll be coming back to your channel to watch all these again.
I'm glad you emphasize that even you didn't get it right the first time, and that it's okay! You learn and figure things out as you go and now you can teach others through any mistakes you made!
the ‘i love you, and i am SO proud of you.’ literally made me cry and i don’t know why
You are so incredibly empathic and emotionally intelligent, it’s astounding.
This woman is a treasure.
I am so emotional today, you are just so sweet & I really love to see people like you exist. We always hear horror stories of foster parents - you are incredible!!
I've been borrowing these tips for my sister's 3yo foster child. After a visit the other day he said "I don't want to leave the party 🥺" and I told him "It was so fun playing together today- let's do it again very soon! Will you come back to see me?" Those reassuring words put a smile on his face as he left, knowing this particular goodbye isn't forever. Creating happy memories 🤍
This is fantastic in theory, and I did my best, but it felt my heart was being absolutely ripped out of my chest so it definitely was not perfect.
It's OK. You don't have to be perfect.
As someone who wants to foster in the future (and wants to prepare in advance) this is really helpful! Thank you for these videos
I honestly sometimes wished that my mom was like that instead of using me as a therapist. Daydreaming here we goooooo.
This made me cry. You’re a kind soul!
What a beautiful person. This is real and she genuinely cares!!! ❤❤❤❤❤
When I think of a possible future where I become a foster parent I like to think I'll have a wall with all the pictures of the little ones I get the honour to take care of
I was extra excited to leave and return to my mom . She was hospitalized and she didn't have anyone to care for us we were in two different places in that time you remind me of the good home ❤️ I really appreciate the way you handle things
I'm from germany and it is so crazy that you are allowed to say I love you! I was a fosterchild and here it is forbidden to love each other, say I love you or form too deep attachments. If I had this, I would have been so much less depressed and anxious.
As a former foster child, I would like to say that your doing a great job, this is how people should take care of a foster kid, I love watching your videos, I can’t imagine how upset foster parents feel after forming a deep bond with a child and then watching them reunite with their parents but glad that they’re finally going home. Your doing a great job.
I remember when I was a student and I did a placement in a school and I cried after my first year when I had to say goodbye to the kids, I couldn’t imagine having the emotional strength to say goodbye to children that you have cared for 24/7
You make me want to be a foster parent… i don’t have the heart or strength for it, im also only 25 and have no children but man. Something about helping these kids out and learning from you just is inspiring
I wish my foster parents had been this kind and gentle
I never interacted with a foster parent like you. You’re a special person. Keep on loving.🤗
I am currently a foster child of 4 years and finally I have found out that I can move back in with my mom on may 27th and I am telling you it is the happiest and most stressful thing ever
I'm so happy for you! I hope all hase been going well for you❤
I could never foster because I just couldn’t let the kid [or animal] go after bonding and loving them. I’m glad that people can support someone through tough times and then let them go but it would break my heart
What a beautiful send-off. Great teaching video because they sure didn't teach me this in the foster classes
As someone who was abused in the foster care system by my foster parents, this video has made me emotional. I wish I would’ve got that type of connection with another adult while I was going through one of the hardest times in my childhood.
This video brought me to tears and I absolutely think it should be supported if the relationship between the Foster parents and the child was a positive relationship that communication afterwards would be an amazing option if everybody agrees to it. But I would not see why anyone who has had you involved wouldn't want you to continue contact. Like as a friend or Just to have somebody to talk to because you have information about the situations that they have been through in this whole experience. Or just to even give you some updates. Continue what you're doing giving the information that you're helping everybody with you're not just trying to inform other Foster Parents you're giving tips to the bio parents, Social workers everybody. I applaud you and everything you're doing you're doing an amazing job. Keep it up you're one of my favorite TH-cam influencers. Please keep up the great work and the amazing positive videos. You're showing something that can be a negative situation in a positive light at the same time giving very informative information that people would not know otherwise. You're doing it in a way that is more interpretable. For anybody cause some people may not be able to interpret the information they're getting in this situation because it's just coming to get them too fast It's an overwhelming type of situation. There's a lot of things that Go into a situation like this and it's overwhelming for everybody and you're giving them information and reinforcing the information in a very be positive way. Love your positivity but you're Also being transparent honest and encouraging people to ask questions.❤❤❤
I think what you're doing is amazing❤️ This will hopefully help so many new and seasoned foster parents to make the entire process a little easier for everyone.
Awe that felt so real I almost cried 😭
As a foster sister to many foster children (they’d come in and my family would take care of them) I will say that you do have to have these moments not during the moment as mentioned. And while they’re leaving, you have to be so excited for them, and you cannot cry until after they’re gone. If you feel yourself start to you must leave the room. Don’t traumatize the kid even more.
right , it's not about you - it's about their family. And hopefully this is a proper reunification. Unfortunatly children go back to the same thing they came from It's sad
I love your videos. I hope to become a foster mom in the near future and I'm absorbing all of this great advice ❤
Yup, I was not built for being a foster parent. You’re amazing.
Love this video. Thank yoy
When I went back to mother's custody. My foster parents were silent. I could tell my foster mom was sad. We had a good bond, just a few days before I left. She was talking about teaching me Spanish and how she taught her kids. Sometimes I miss them. ❤
Omg seeing them go would break me. You are such a blessing.
I had been able to focus on the child and being happy with them when reunified. Until one day, I got a call after six months that my 3 1/2 would be reunified. He was so happy but he saw I was crying and went to his room to cry. I followed him and he told me he was sad because I was sad. I was able to compose myself and told him they were tears of joy. He asked me, "Are you sure?" I said yes and he started to smile he wiped his tears and jumped up and down. Our program doesn't allow us to keep contact it has been 5 years, and I still think of him and remember him every day!
You have such an amazing soul.
I personally couldn’t foster. I attach to people quick. Bit you Ma’am are amazing
I know this has been said before, but you seem like a fantastic person. As a former foster child, I wish that had been my goodbye.
Instead I got "I'm sorry if I'm quiet, but I just lost my income, so this is overwhelming for me" and an otherwise silent car ride. 2 weeks later my stuff was in the garage and they were preparing my room for the next kid to move in. I had stayed with this family from hell for 3.5 years, and there were still 3 months till I moved out. 3 months I had to spend with family that wasn't able to care for me in the first place.
The world needs more people who cares.
i just started following and i adore ur content. the love ur spreading in this world wont go unnoticed,
I'm not a parent of any kind, but I am a new aunt. I've never been very keen on children, I find them loud and unpredictable, so I am very in the dark here
So, thank you for making these videos, I try to use these tips for knowing how to handle my baby niece and 4 year old nephew
Why did this make me cry
As a foster kid I’d love to hear this before I go.
This is just excellent parenting modelling. Any kind of parenting.
Love you laura
I cant wait for this day i have been praying for it👐
I really want to foster when I'm able. But I know it's gonna be so hard to say goodbye to them when its time for them to go home and hopefully have a safe and loving reunification with their parents.
As someone that was never a foster kid or foster parent (i do have 2 kids tho) i will say i pretty much no nothing about this topic. But the 2nd response made me tear up. Even tho the 1st response didnt seem "bad" i understand why its the wrong response to do. But the 2nd response was just sooo heartwarming ❤
THIS! Focus on the child's emotions. Don't use them to process your feelings. Don't parentify kids who may already be struggling with parentification. ❤
I wish we had been told before we had to go through this. The agency we fostered for just showed up one morning and took the 2 kids we had had in our family for over 2 years. It was fucked up and I'll remember it for the rest of my life.
Being quite and not overly excited is key!
Thank you for this education really is needed
Thank you for what you do
Thank you so much for your generocity!
I knew a family who fostered a child from the time she was an infant to 3 years old. They wanted to adopt. But the mother was able to have the child back. From what I know, before the mother had custody again the daughter would go to visitations and they were always at places like the mall. The mother a handful of times never showed up. A few times the daughter would cry because she didn’t like her mother. She called her foster parents mom and dad. She called the foster parents bio kids brother and sister. I don’t know what ever happened with the family but I hope the little girl is ok now with her mother
I wasn't a foster kid, but my parents shared custody across the country. The guilt I felt when leaving on an airplane to go visit the other parent because they were always so emotional. It was awful. I imagine it would be worse for kids in foster care.
This has made me consider fostering once I have a house💞
You were so nice there’s a lady that lives around the corner for me who fosters kids and she is mean as hell to those kids
Girl you’re planting too many seeds in me 😭😭😭
Wow, saying to be proud of a child as a whole person is soooo important 🥲
Is a loved one from my wondeful parents i'm touched from your work! 😅❤
Can you please share a video on how you would handle it if the child was moving to another foster house? I'm not sure if you have already. Thanks. I love your videos
Superb advice!
Wish were more like this. I deal with alot of relative placements and sometimes they are not supportive of the kid returning home. They need to be a neutral positive force for these kids while they have them and not stress the kids out to go home
My heart.
You’re an angel ❤
Oh it must be so hard especially if you are worried about what they are going back to. I want to be a foster parent but i clearly need to assess whether I'm strong enough 😮😢
Can you make one of these for situations where the kid doesn't want to/is afraid to go home? I'd imagine those situations are often out of your control and maybe even against your will as a foster parent, so how do you comfort a kid who doesn't want to go home when you also know things may not go well?
I want to do foster care so badly when I’m older but I would be heartbroken if they left :(
Thank you so much
Do the kids ever not want to go home? I feel like that would be even harder... I hope someday I'll be in a place to foster.
This must be so difficult for foster parents and children.
I would love to learn about how you handle situations where the child isn't ready or is worried to go home.
yes, me too.
And it irritates me that the videos are all about being so happy to go home to mum&dad, as i think many kids might not be so happy or at least scared as well as happy.
I never wanted to go home but most of the kids I knew did want to go home even if it was a bad situation.
I love these videos
❤❤❤
Never thought about it, but she made a good point about "I feel sad about this" being potentially misinterpreted. A kid might take it to mean that the foster parent is sad FOR the kid (i.e. that reunification is the less better option)
That's the difference between USA and Europe. In Europe foster parents aren't allowed to have any contact with the child or keep any photos of the child they fostered once that child goes back to the parents.
ok with a FP like this it is just a force for good. xoxoxo
I can’t wait to be able to foster kids
Wish I could always know a day in advance that kids are reunifying. Half the time I don't know until day of
❤❤
Sometimes I want to be fostered..
Can you be my mom? I mean, im 55, but you are just so comforting and kind
Have you ever had to deal with bedwetting in older children you've fostered and what's the best way to handle it?
Goddamnit, the first one is my mom every time I leave for two weeks, I hate it so much.
Acting sad and upset will make a child feel guilty to leave
What do you do when you want to stay in touch or the child really wants to stay in touch with you? Do you disconnect completely, or do you regularly reconnect with your past kids?
💙 💙 💙 💙 💙
How would you say that to someone who's older?
Why would it be any different?
@@Tegdirb64 they are teenagers and understand more of what's going on and why they were taken away in the first place and why they're getting to go back.
I was never told until a coupke hours before.
Reunification is the GOAL.