I told mine, I don't entertain distortion. I ask you to leave if you start. He was like implying I'm leaving when you start. I repeat and told him it's distortion and I'm not entertain it.
1. Bait you into arguing to use against you 2. Insist you have to justify your actions/feelings 3. Shame you for independent thoughts 4. Make you feel responsible for their mood 5. Offer lame excuses then blame you for your reaction 6. Try to intimidate you when you have boundaries 7. Accuse you of being a Narcissist All of this is done to WEAR YOU DOWN, become weak, anxious, depressed, withdrawn, negative and cynical.
My dads wife and assistant ( fantasy girlfriend) yes I said that… are both narcissists trying to alienate me from my dad. He knows how they are but I’m starting to think he likes it😂 he tries to lump me in with “all these women fighting over him” 😂 Gross He’s very I’ll but I can’t be around these horrible women. Sorry Dad I’m starting to think you might be mentally ill and are not a good parent either. They can have him and “The Will”. I am healthy happy and financially secure … just another reason they are intimidated by me. Have fun with your women Dad 😂
Absolutely I noticed this too, when my boyfriend was staying out all night long and then would accuse me of being disrespectful and disloyal calling me “slut” ect ect. I Said all you’re doing Is telling on yourself seen as I was home and you were out all night I was not in any position to have an opportunity to be any of those things yet you were! lol he hates that I have the ability to see thru his bs. and then he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes he can’t relate he can literally call me a derogatory name and I will repeat his own words and he reacts as of I’M CALLING him the names and just can’t believe it! It is ridiculous! So therefore Anything he tells me I’m doing I know he is. Because he can’t see anything from any other perspective but his own and if he’s thinking it or doing it well everyone must do the same! It’s utter insanity and the rage that manifests when I call out his lies and manipulative behavior he LOSES IT! and it’s beginning to get physical and I know it’s not going to get better it’s only escalating but being disabled and not having anywhere to go and he won’t leave cuz he’s got a free ride there’s very little hope for Me to escape this relationship from hell
@@cjhortonvalliere3285there’s always a way out !!!! Speak even to police if you must ! These people are dangerous and if he’s getting physical then you MUST leave please 🙏🏼
Yes and number 3 is hardest as I hate misunderstandings and have to see what Dr. C said as they meant to misunderstand you or never cared to understand you. It is hard because I hate it when people can't seek solutions and feel like part of me just can't admit they have problems and I am safer away from family members I love. The other hard part is giving up. I was taught like many Americans of my generation that perseverance is important and valuable. It is hard to fight that trait and that trait is what often drew NPDs to me I think. They saw it as lots of supply but to me it is just a part of my DNA almost and I have learned to be more cautious thanks to Dr. C
I literally get physically ill in my gut when I know I have to ask why...I know it's going to never be an adult, straight forward answer...It s going to be a lie, a deflection or word salad.......
@@Suzu52 exactly. Plus the added bonus of everything being your fault. The time I’ve spent trying to explain myself. They’ll never get it. They are incapable. But we’re learning and every day gets better
They will never admit to them being the problem. Think of a person on a pedestal. That is them.What they do think or say will always be RIGHT in their mind. Nobody else will be.
@saucejones exactly! And now they're dating the girl they told me not to worry about. The "just a friend" they post about her like she's everything all while still posting songs I dedicated to them haha a mockery. Crazy how narcissist will still attempt to indirectly play at your strings.
I had never even heard the word until my ex who turned out to be a narc told me that her previous ex was one. That's actually what made me research narcissism and realize that she was the narc. They're projection is insane.
I diligently went to therapist for two years, trying to fix the person that in reality, my partner caused me to become. The narcissistic abuse made me break and go insane, and my reactions were pointed out as the problem. The gaslighting and manipulation caused me to absolutely believe I was the cause of all our problems. I committed to fixing myself so he would be happier (he never went to therapy because he had no problems.) Strangely enough my “mood swings” and “outbursts” disappeared when I left the relationship. I’m not insane anymore.
Did you move to a different house or buy a different car because those things remind you of the settings where the abuse occurred? I am considering putting mine on the market.
@@tiffanykennedy788 No, because all those things I already had before the relationship, he was only a guest in my life. He used to complain about how shitty and ugly my car was all the time, but now I embrace it, I really love it. I do have a new apartment which he had never set his foot in. If you own a home, and need to get out of there because it’s too painful, maybe you can rent a place and at the same time rent out your home? You should never have to make losses because of a bad person who did those things to you.
@Scott's Precious Little Account That lack of empathy is narcissistic not that you are a narcissist but just self involved. It’s ok to not understand others but not caring shows lack of empathy. Carelessness is allow a trait of NPD.
They play dumb and pretend they don't understand you. So you can over compensate and wear you down to find out how to manipulate you and control you. With a smile to your face and hate you in your back. It took me many years to find out the pattern how I got so broken down. I dicifered the narc code. And belive me IT is Insanely cruel and calculated destruction of your being just out of no reason at all. Just pure evil with VERY BIG AROGANT EGOS
This is why I've always felt like certain family members don't know me at all. It's because they actually don't have an interest in getting to know me. It's all about them. One of my favourite quotes is from the movie The World's Greatest Dad: "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone."
Agree. Other people and interest can be an oasis. I became someone I didn’t like. I became negative, anxious, angry, and felt better alone. I wish I had educated myself on Narcissism earlier but it’s not too late to heal.
this has happened to me the relatives sidelined me for being '' different '' the only mentally healthy people on my mom's side of the family mom and one uncle the rest are gossipy narcs that lie about people that are not narcs i would rather be alone than around narc relatives
You have to walk on eggshells around a narcissist. Consistently checking how they might interpret your words in a way that makes you look bad. Almost anything you say - even something as innocent as saying it’s about to rain - can lead to an argument or lead the conversation down a path that makes you look stupid. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself.
Yes I definitely have the same problems as you have written about boy isn’t it hard work it’s ! It’s all a waist of time and energy they suck the joy out of everything , and love to ruin birthdays Christmas anniversary’s 25 years and nothing for our anniversary ?
In all the 47 years of marriage to my ex Covert Narcissist, I NEVER understood why he was always in an adversarial role with me. Always in competition with me. All I wanted was to be partners. He would have none of it. I am now married to the man of my dreams. We are best friends, confidantes, lovers, travel buddies, etc. Run, don’t walk, away from the narcissist in your life. They will NEVER change. Trust me.
I am so happy for you that you got away and found true love. I've been with mine for 17 years and I'm trying to leave but its so expensive. Some days I worry I'll never make it out. And that I'll never know true love. But you've given me a little hope. 🙏🏻
Sheryl been over 30 odd years of marriage for me and nearly 4 years separated hopefully will meet the man of my dreams and travel buddy one day just like yourself. Wishing you peace and happiness you deserve. 🙏
Sheryl Bracht, how did you trust yourself to not repeat the same relationship? I was 18.5 years married 2 years separated/divorce & now 1.5 years divorced. Healing is happening but I have fear.
An overwhelmingly dominant personality such as a narcissist's biggest nightmare is someone who doesn't fear the outcome of walking all over their codes/rules. Nothing will make them flee from you quicker than having that demeanor of my spirit is bulletproof and I will publicly unmask you and put you in your place if you try me , they will disappear swiftly. They fear others having strength and indifference.
Spot On! My 33 & 35 year olds have been playing my buttons until I started developing boundaries several years back. The blow ups at me escalated to the point I finally calmy put my foot down and now they want nothing to do with me. I really had rose colored glasses on with my children’s ill behavior but, only towards me. I didn’t like who they had become(behavior) towards others, and although , they seemed angry at me all the time, at least they were in my life. So, I tried to be an exceptional role model with good character traits well, that didn’t work. I’m at the end of putting all the puzzle pieces together. I suddenly concluded, I walked on eggshells all those years out of guilt ( leaving there dad I’d met in high school over 30 years ago, he was extremely abusive) I wish I would have set better boundaries years ago had I known what I do today. I found out he never stopped bad mouthing me , even to my own family and high school friends. I was recently made aware of that! Moreover, , after the last 10 years of healing I clearly recognized my angry, dismissive mother whom never touched or told me she loved me had a tremendous effect on how I treated myself. I understand now why I tolerated such bad behavior from so many, as an adult. Anyhow, in some strange way I feel like I’m finally free from some nightmare, and I can finally live my life in peace at almost 60! 🙌 Blessings on your journey 🙏
Yeah it almost funny when you won’t play their games I tell him I’m going to play your sick games now he won’t help me with anything I won’t to do because that what your for supply to take all the blame !
My biggest disappointment with most counselors out there is that they don't seem to have a clue about identifying covert narcissists. These "counselors" seem to have a "one-size-fits-all" treatment and the victim ends up worse than before walking through the counselor's door. I'm so grateful for Dr Carter and other Clinicians for helping us understand this phenomenon, learn to set boundaries, reclaim our sanity, our individuality, and our freedom. Thank You!!!
I agree! Yes! I sought a psychologist for help because my ex wouldn't work on our relationship. They tried to diagnose me with a personality disorder in the first session. I was protecting my ex and not disclosing the physical and psychological abuse. It took me so much time to unravel the gaslighting and cohesive control. My ex is definitely a covert narc.
I went to a marriage counselor at calvary of Albuquerque and it really was useless. The narcissists can easily manipulate a counselor that's not a professional.
@@Raven.13 The narc makes you feel like you should protect them, be loyal, even in the psychologist's office! If you can't be honest with a psychologist, they may realize something is 'off', but they won't be able to figure out what's going on ....
When I pointed out the ongoing silent treatment, the narcissist didn’t disagree. Instead, he described the material things he had provided for me and I looked like the difficult, ungrateful person. Narcissists use this redirection tactic because it is simple and it works. It kept me stuck for years, until Dr C gave it a name - narcissistic abuse.
So very true, my mother would do the same when I would talk with her bout important things, completely check out while I was speaking. It felt like I was talking to a wall! I started getting frustrated at all the times I tried to communicate with her, she turned into a wall. I started behaving narcissistic myself towards, her by demanding , her to respond. They are very dark souls, and the fact that someone could take a seriously important conversation, and gaslight the person through there darkness. Completely defeats me into working together with her. Anyways I sympathize with your suffering. It’s hard! But I’ve chosen to seek Gods wisdom in battles with these souls that I believe are trapped by demons. So I’m going to pray spiritual warfare over them. God bless❤️
@@candywilkins386 so true, to continue what I wrote, my mother would gaslight me until I would react in an anxiety attack, then she would say she ways afraid of me? 🤔 because I would start to cry and talk louder to voice my frustration towards her, but she found a way to turn a frustrated person into her smelling like a peach and me like the opposite. 🤨 It’s like how a cat plays with the mouse 🐭 When the mouse stops reacting, the cat will pat the mouse again to make it react again. I’m slowly learning to stop caring and working with someone who even though is my family, I’m needing to keep a separate relationship between us. God bless❤️
It’s a vicious cycle . Narcissistic not only cause damage but also get other people to perceive you the same way as the “problem “ so it’s hard to get help when no one believes you
I've been living for 50 years, I'm not about to let a hurt lil evil girl mess up my head. ACTIONS!!! That's what we all must do! The narcissist are doing an evil act to destroy your life!!!!! What are you going to do? Treat them like a bully......but worst!
Yes! It sucks. I’m getting to the point where I can finally feel solid in myself again. I’m creating things I haven’t in years. I hope everyone in this comment section heals❤️❤️
You let them in your world with only good intentions and they pretend to be morally good and act like they like you, but meanwhile they're plotting on how to hurt you and take away your smile.
I really started thinking that something is wrong with me, and I searched through all personality disorders to find out what is wrong with me and then I came across all the narcissistic stuff and finally I can clearly see I am not the problem! My husband follows all the patterns of making me look and feel like the problem...
I actually went to a psychologist for help, the sad thing is that I was trying to discuss my reactions to my ex without disclosing the psychological and physical abuse, I was always protecting him. He would never do counselling with me. So I took myself to get help. In the first session the psychologist took out her DSM and flicked through the pages to suggest diagnoses. She was going to diagnose me with BPD. That's how scary this shit it. Now that I have left and unraveled the gaslighting and cohesive control I see how I was made to look and feel like the problem. I'm scared he will use that against me. I took out an AVO to keep him away from me, best thing I ever did. Apart from the trauma left behind as I recall events I feel sane and normal, I have no disorder I hold none of those traits with ANYONE in my life. RUN as fast as you can.
@@impossiblegems could you please do a favor for a random guy on TH-cam? Could you please give me a few other examples of what a narcissist does in relationships? I’m trying to figure out if my partner has narcissistic tendencies. Id really appreciate it. If not, that’s okay. If so, thanks in advanced.
They love to upset people... So that they can blame them for being upset...and call them a negative person. I do believe they get an adrenaline rush out of doing sneaky abusive things to people....and this becomes habitual.
A lot of toxic workplaces use that "not a good team player' to the point where I don't want to work in a 'team' setting at all. "Good team player' means doing all the work while getting blamed for other's mistakes and never being able to voice an opinion. Small wonder people prefer to work from home.
I had a narcissistic manager who postponed our weekly status meetings at the last minute every week for 6 months so he could blindside me with a negative performance review. I played super dumb, pretending not to understand all the innuendoes and corporate euphemisms. I actually laughed in his face when he said I had attempted to “create a rift” in the team, because he had actually succeeded in causing a rift during that performance review period. It was fun watching him escalate the insults because I wasn’t visibly suffering as he hoped. Finally we ran out of time. Corporate jobs suck.
for years i made the mistake of thinking female centred workplaces would be preferable, more kinder to building sites or workshops full of grunting males, boy was i wrong lol. .
My mother was a master manipulator and able to recruit everyone friends and family onto her side. Since no one ever saw her in action when she was saying and doing cruel things to me she made herself look innocent and was an expert at playing the victim. I would have to keep my mouth shut because if I spoke up then I was the bad person and she would inform all her friends and the family members about what a problem I was. I once tried to confide in a family member about what was going on and they went straight to her and told on me. It's enough to make you lose your marbles. It was nothing but constant mental and emotional torture my entire life around her and not having anyone on my side or knowing what was going on behind closed doors took a terrible toll on my self worth. Watching your videos makes me feel a bit better knowing someone understands what it is like living with these manipulators.
Yes, every word. Same with my mother and her other 3 daughters who now term as the " flying monkeys ". Unable to think for themselves. And my mother told all of them I was JEALOUS of them to alienate them from me. Theres just no end to a Narcissists methods of manipulation, brainwashing and games ..
@@victoriaholler2949 Seems like their ability to cause us pain brings them pleasure. My mother made it her mission to hurt me as often as possible. Somehow it brings me a little peace to know others understand what I went through because she made me feel like I was crazy.
I know that one. Funny enough i myself told my sister she was a narc because she actually is one! But i am sure she iwill turn it around and say to everyone that i am the narc and i was just projecting onto her. She ghosted me anyway after I called her out on her poor behaviour, so not even sure she looked at that email of mine. Doesnt matter. i put it out there into the universe and i know the truth. They do make you go crazy thinking that you are the problem. I have gone no contact with her (and the brother and mother both narcs as well)
I know! Same here. And then they repeat it so often. I recently called out the covert sister but of course she now tells everyone that I am the narc and was just projecting onto her! I have had years of therapy: clue: none of the 4 family members who are narcs have! both parents and both siblings are horrid, very intelligent but the father and brother sadistic traits whilst telling me I am mean and calling me god-awful names. Trouble is the older the brother got, the more underhand and manipulative he was, it all went more covert so everyone thought I should be more 'forgiving' because he had 'changed'. Worst mistake ever to believe in that. A narc is a narc is a narc. They are not just mean on Tuesday and Wednesday. They are mean all week all day long, just manage to hide it better. And I am good now that I have gone no contact with them all. That is the best evidence. if you can live peacefully with others, give and receive love when you are away from these chaotic people, then you are good.
When I moved away I didn’t realize that I was being bad mouthed and lied about by my family. When I returned, it was oblivious, no one is speaking to me, even friends would say, “ I heard your a bad person” 😳 The vindictiveness never ends with them.
@@unicornus33 I agree ! Then, you have to get to the SOURCE, the individual(s) who made the sadistic choice to spread the horrible lies, because they wanted to isolate, triangulate, degrade, and inflict more pain, probably out of malignant jealousy. Next, depending on who is involved, then perhaps calling them out on it, or not (it depends) may be in order. Last, once you catch wind of this, you can begin working to set yourself free. It is bad enough when the outside (society) smears you, but when it comes from a family member, or multiple members, that is despicable ! Please stay strong and know you are NOT alone...keep fighting ! Remember ..that you may be interacting with VERY emotionally disturbed (ASPD/Dark Triad) individual(s), who may be the type to "KICK A DOG WHILE THEY ARE DOWN"..and want your demise ! It is very sick...indeed !
@@jengable4888 thank you for the encouragement. And yes it is a sad day when you realize your family members are literally your enemies and want bad things for you.
I'm going to guess one/state one I've experienced. They do something insensitive and invasive, and when you set the slightest boundary in response to it, they insist that you instigated an absurd conflict for no reason.
Yes! And you try to ignore them but oh my God they just keep going on and on it’s so hard and then when you finally explode, you’re the “difficult one” 🙄
When you said "being accused for being a narcissist". I had to laugh so hard. Exactly what I'm dealing with with my narcissist. And yes, he turned me into this person I absolutely didn't like
Same here. Find myself mirroring back at them. So tempting to react or even attack without provocation. This is not me. It's the conditioning over the years. At least I know now where, and why my rebellious behavior began.
@@QuilaGee A few months ago, I found out a friend has narcissistic traits and she told me that I was too self-centered and focused on myself... Poor lady, I really feel sorry for her, but I've gone no contact and can't help her now, sadly.
He called me a psycho path today lol. Says the one who sat next to me when I was crying and said it had litterally no affect on him in the darkest voice ive heard. Or last week when I was in excruciating pain could barely walk. He only cared about getting his video for his insta, making me stand to film it. I was fed up and said no. He acted like it was all my fault he couldn't get his video, I was practically almost limping. I even told him if you had any idea how much pain I'm in you wouldn't be so cruel to me.
This is so on point. I was with a narcissist for 10 years. Turned my world upside down and tried to turn everyone on me. I used to walk on eggshells in my own home, was afraid to even ask a question. I was in a horrible gilded cage,, he had everyone fooled.. Felt like I was losing my mind. Life is much better now that I have gotten away from that relationship.
Congrats for getting away! I went through the same thing for 10 years with my Narcissistic ex girlfriend. Walking on eggshells. They have so many expectations and you can't tell them one single thing about themself. They need to improve nothing smh
I remember my narcissistic dad calling me manipulative when I was a kid. Then, I didn’t even understand the word “manipulative.” Now that I’m older, I feel he was projecting, blaming me for his own behavior.
I used to think "They're hurting, go easy on them." But now I think, "No. Enough is enough." It's difficult to walk away when you care for someone, but there are only so many times you can kick a dog before it walks away.
Anyone telling you that they are hurt little children and don't, realize what they are doing is full of crap. They are not hurt little children,they are fully grown manipulative,lying adults who know full well what they are doing.Positive the phrase "Hurting people hurt people" was coined by a Narcissist in an attempt to minimize the damage they cause.
I hate these kinds of interactions. The gaslighting and how disoriented I get because I want to be responsible, conscious and accountable for my actions and interactions. You cannot negotiate with a narcissist and come to a mutual agreement.
@margochanning6868 With Narcs, we have to pretend we are attending business meetings to get through it. Sticking only to facts, being polite & keeping our opinions and feelings out of that. (Otherwise, they tend to get a "rise" and win). We won't let them anymore. ♥️ Hope you're healing.
My heart goes out to the people who dealt with this kind of abuse for years. I was dating a narc for a few weeks and thought I was going to lose my MIND! He looked at EVERYTHING like a battle or competition. He even went as far as to say that I don't like to be held accountable whenever he blame shifted or dismissed my opinions, ideas, or feelings. I have NEVER had any men in my past or exes say that about me so that's how I know its not true. I have NEVER had to to explain myself so much and then he'd just continue to attack me over, and over, and over again anytime I explained what I meant. I have never had someone misunderstand EVERYTHING I say. So emotionally exhausting. I told him that he was toxic and emotionally abusive and then I blocked him. Good riddance!
My first, and hopefully my last, narcissistic relationship, I became so bitter. I used to be so carefree and laugh all the time. I find it hard to find things funny anymore, really. Right before it ended I had started getting really bad anxiety attacks, which I've never really experienced in my life. I gave up my ENTIRE LIFE for this woman, remodeled a house, endlessly tried to keep up with her insatiable desire for money that she spent poorly...and I was left with what she thought was mine on the backporch after I really started to catch on...and never to be heard from again. That was 4 months ago, and I'm still not entirely myself, and I'm genuinely concerned I never will be. These people will traumatize you beyond belief. I am lucky to have even gotten a fraction of the confidence I used to have.
You will be an even better version of your old self. You’ll be able see through lies and manipulation others try to throw at you. And you’ll be able to walk away when they try to fool you. Your sense of humor will come back and you will be able to laugh. Rejoice when that day happens; it’s a total victory!
Same story 😍omg..its sad..but most of i am angry..bitter..and i want to educate myself and become teraupist ..help other😍...i feel for you..stay strong❤️❤️
Yeah bud I was married 13 years to a narcissistic woman and it wrecked my personality too. My parents are old school and never said anything to us kids when it came to our relationships, but my old man in private told my mom that I needed to get out of my marriage because I had changed so much for the worse and that he missed his happy go lucky son. I finally got out but I am still not unscathed. My ex accuses me weekly of being the narcissistic one. She constantly wants to fight about the same stuff over and over and over. I have had to set boundaries and ignore her when she crosses them. It's high stress when dealing with that woman but I am hoping times the healer.
I learned with my mom and dad that it makes no difference how you react, you just can never win and you can never be right. My parents went so far to deny my whole childhood and tell me all my memories were false and i just made it up. So the only thing that helps is to just put a lot of distance and when you interact it should be superficial and only chit chat because they are going to pick a fight or complain about your behaviour to others if they get the change.
The thing with this whole diagnosis and lots of Dr. Carter's videos is that it could be simplified down to a few details and mechanisms. These details and these mechanisms then, operating in different circumstances, cause all the different stuff he lists in almost every video. The problem is that it is paradoxical to say that "I deny x", because by making that statement I also affirm that the x is a thing. In a narcissist's experience the other person or interpersonal reality do not exist. It is like attributing malice to a heroin addict who is simply trying to get his fix. The things he does are evil, but he is not doing them purely for the sake of being evil. You must be an imaginary you so he can be an imaginary he, because if you are real, then he must be real too, and for him that is a fate worse than death.
I had to plan and plot to get away from my narcissist now ex-husband. After the divorce and I had tied up all business Loose Ends (taking my name off of all accounts Etc), I said "I never want to see your face again!" That was 9/9/16. Peace:PRICELESS!
With a narcissist you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't matter what you do they will find fault. It took several very painful experiences with my narcissist family and husband to learn about reactive abuse that's what they want to provoke you into being the bad guy. It is so satisfying to be able to just turn around and leave they can't stand that!
@@jengable4888 Exactly- and most of the time money and/or circumstances keep someone from being able to leave and they know that. It's cruel to the least.
@@TruthBeTold0914 that is done with INTENT and you're 100% correct ! It IS sadistic, manipulative, HIGHLY controlling, furthers the victimization, clinically insane for some of us, and CRIMINAL ! If what happened to some of us occured in the UK or France, the offenders who fly under the radar in the US, would be incarcerated !
You can never point out narcissistic traits to a narcissist. They won't hear it and can't see it. For many years whenever I expressed an independent thought, the narc in my life would say YOU SCARE ME SOMETIMES, as though I was some monstrous entity who dared to think for myself. It worked....until it didn't anymore.
I’ve had similar experiences. I’m sorry you’re going through that - that’s a difficult double standard that’s not fair to you. I hope your situation improves!!
@@sandraaustin2120 maybe that too but I think Dr. C meant that they don't have understanding as a goal in general because it doesn't suit their needs so why waste time or bother if they can't see an up side. They care about how to use info to get them supply so they control and manage the info in such a way they misunderstand on purpose, like Devil's advocate or choose to not communicate as a mechanism to keep them from accountability. That's they way I took Dr. Cs comment. But you are right that they have a lot of cognitive dissonance and that too is like a built in defense mechanism of denial and projection, etc...the higher functioning Machiavellian ones totally understand but choose not too because they enjoy the chaos it creates. The HG Tudor types can But choose not to because it is too much fun to pass up. Like a crisis needs to be exploited by a Political narcissist, a conversation needs to be exploited by a dark triad narc. Thanks for your point. Most probably just can't, like you said.
Yes, it’s just like in a toxic family. They are incapable of understanding who we are, they don’t see us as individuals or our own persons, because they can only see us as a “roll” that they put us in to serve them. They will ONLY love you when it benefits them, and if your not giving them what they want then they will blame you and make you out to be the wrong one, as if you have to “earn” their love. Remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally, NOT transactionally
Wow, you've described my ex of 16 years in every detail. He decimated my self-confidence, my sense of self-worth... I didn't recognize myself anymore. It was heartbreaking to leave and later learn what had happened to me, as I picked up the pieces of my life.
The main feeling I had in the relationship was that nothing I did or said was ever right. Every attempt at a conversation would turn into an argument where he'd never answer any questions but tried to turn what I said against me. He would then try to blame me for making him feel bad/hurt. Any mention of anything he did would lead to this. Things were only "okay" as long as I just agreed with everything he said and was there only when it was convenient for him.
They could say something overtly abusive to you, and when you point it out and say NO, its "sorry im not perfect" and your boundary gets twisted into a criticism of them. That opens a can of worms because the narcissist is vain, and any perceived flaws you may be bringing to light are just too uncomfortable for them to face up to. So in their world, you have to tolerate abuse, cruelty, profanity and moreover insults to your intelligence, in order to preserve the facade that the narcissist is holier than thou.
What's going on with someone who has to have an adversary?? They project their feelings onto you and provoke you. These are people who have so much conflict within themselves. Thank you!! This was a great insight. I did become a person I did not like, a weak person that gave up my own insights.
With my narcissistic mother her favorite term is "loyal". If I didn't do what she wanted, I would not be considered loyal. I also was called a narcissist. The latest one is that she was going to report me to my counseling license board because she didn't think I was handling my problems like an adult. It just escalates, which means my silence is working.
They push you into defence mode and then when you try to explain and justify your thoughts and feelings their reaction is "How dare you try to justify your reactions." It's a no win situation!
That's another good point, pushing you into defense mode. That is not a healthy form of human communication nor interactions. I think the best policy in dealing with that is to be upfront when they do so. Sure, you will get a nasty reaction in return but it's a fine art on how one can communicate/interact with them. Only give short and stern responses,. Go right for the jugular. Do not insult, do not become verbally abusive, do not escalate. If they keep it up, which they will, continue with the same approach. Like a child having a tantrum, correct the behavior. And like a child, you won't get far in trying to correct that behavior; however, the child will eventually learn that you are not to be reckoned with. It takes a lot of patience and time but you'll get there. Eventually they will limit their interactions with you. Don't want to sound like I am preaching. It's easier said than done. Trust me, I know! It's hard for people who are at peace with themselves, and with others, to deal with narcs.
Guessing: I bet one trick is at a group event they verbally nudge at something their target feels sensitive about, and when the target gets flustered, the narcissist looks like "What's wrong with YOU?" and looks at others like "See? What did I tell you?"
You are spot on. I've got some notes from a work colleague (that they have done as a witness statement) and in it there is one situation where they did this, and then when I had left the room they said "That's him showing his aggressive side - don't you think". This was actually something where I wasn't even being aggressive but it's what she wanted to see so she said I was being aggressive anyway.
Hmm are u sure is been that ? Usually narcisism means that u are more inteligent ,even if is only emotional,so they will be interested to see your point. My mom 100 percent had paranoic disorder(the crazy type) and victim syndrom so that is much more worse from other diagnoses ,because these people dont make even suicide ,they so much want to be victims that will never do that cus then emotional pain will end. That it increase so much that finally u cant be even with there 5 minutes in the same room if u are alone,even on the phone is the same. Is very long to explain what are the consequences when even when u are grown up your legacy depends from this kind insane person so i had quit,it was final time before to freak out someday and to be too late. Also reason to quit this people life is because more simple minded people around them feel for them ,because they dont them well. Yep ,im 34 and i finally discovered my mom diagnose name
I am 59 and only recently gone no contact with mother and both narc sibling. Father narc passed away last year and i suddenly realised i had been caught all my life in a web of lies gaslighting betrayal covert operations deceit. I feel liberated but what a waste of my love on these empty vampire shells
I cannot tell how many times I have been called a "narcissistic" by the one with the narcissistic traits. I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother and therefore have my "defense mechanisms". They might resemble narcissistic traits. However, I am not a narcissistic person because I am constantly checking in with myself "Am I a narcissist?" It's impossible to be a narcissist and do that.
This is a very good topic to cover. I've had narcissistic people treating me horribly (arrogance, condescendance and contempt) and when I was responding to them, they were playing the victim.
They are professional victimes - 🤯🤯🤯 - AVOID like a plage. Thise fals angels with theyr nice shiny fascade polish theyr halo and people araund who don't know them well think that you are the demon and goes after you.... Avoid them all.
Looking at this video and realizing that I have been right about this narcissistic situation - I have never felt more disappointed and sadder for being right. I think the reality starts to sink in. This is a really harsh journey to be in 🙁 Thank You for the eyeopening video!💗
@@ThousandWordsMediadotcom Understand, they never cared about you. And from the start aimed to hurt you intentionally. But know,your going to grow from it all.....in time. Stay strong
Thank you, in the wake of ending my relationship with my ex, I've struggled to call him an out right narcissist but I simultaneously struggle to understand why he behaved the way he did towards me to the point where I was questioning whether I was in fact the problem. You've really helped me come to terms with the fact that he was in fact narcissistic and he's been working on beating me down over several years until I became unrecognisable to myself.
yikes. I'm afraid of loosing my personality to a scumm y person like this. I don't mean dirty outside.i find myself replying with swear words once he said your so mean. and don't forget it, I said. don't confide in anyone now
The problem with attempting to heal and help bring a Narcissist to wholeness is that they first have to admit they are broken, hurting, and recognize their fallen behaviors. They are too terrified to take the risk. Remember the expression which says: To save a drowning man, he must surrender completely. If he fights you, both will drown. It fits here.
If a person's personality pattern is clearly some version of narcissism, then it is futile to try to help and 'heal' them. It will never happen. Everyone else has a problem. Never them.
i do. if someone else seeks to snuff out my light and take my capacity to care away, nah, i'll keep showing up until they realize my light can't be snuffed out. if they never realize it? their loss, not mine.
I so appreciate the way you put a searchlight on what's really going on. The baiting, the shaming, the justification, the constant criticsms....like an invisible battle field, you never know when the next 'strike' will occur. And.... I love the way you galvanise us to the higher principles of dignified living and peace. Thank you Dr C you make sense of the senseless! 💜💜
@SUSAN COSGROVE They create drama out of thin air. My dad's one and he just looks at something and shares his "view" on it, even if you don't say anything or do anything that a normal person would never comment on. You could make a sandwich and he'd tell you "why don't you eat this or that" or try to regulate whenever you would eat a snack or get a drink - it should be all up to them to decide when and how you want something. I'm battling my own demons and having a narcissistic dad hasn't helped me. My dad does help out with things, and it makes you question it sometimes, but it will also "allow" him to crticise how you live and do things in your own home, as if he has shared "ownership" of it because he helped out. They absolutely hate it when they would appear weak, BUT will use any injury or impairment to make the other party become empathetic to said injuries. They get to live life but YOU will live inside that little box they create through years of criticising and belittling anything you say or do in your life.
@@dan4030 I like the term you used "ownership"!! . It describes what happened back when polio was around and they needed the "vaccine" to appear like it was responsibe for eradicating the disease. But people had already started changing their habits, herd immunity had already occurred, sewage had already been handled better, etc so they presented a vaccine at just the right time...& took "ownership " More illusion.. Just like now 😉 certainly not surprising because we knew that the plan to harm the masses started decades ago🙄😝.. So creating a positive emotional feeling in the body around the word" vaccine" was definitely part of the plan for this time in history with all the evil purposeful drama & discord created 🎭 in order to manipulate masses to get them to trust in their jab 💉 Thanks for the insight 🙏
I've spent the last 16 years trying to make the situation better. Making excuses for him in order to make it easier for me to not react. Lately my emotions and moods have been so chaotic. I didn't know what I was doing wrong yet also wondering why I'm in mental anguish. This video hit every nail right on the head.
The Seven Tricks of the narcissist. From the video. "Their end game is to wear you down". 1. Bait you into an argument. 2. They insist you have to justify everything about yourself. 3. Shame you for your independent thinking. 4. They try to make you feel responsible for their moods. 5. They offer lame excuses you know aren't true, then they blame you. 6. Intimidate you because of your boundaries. 7. They accuse you of being a narcissist. Classic projection. "They have to have an adversary. Because they are adversarial to themselves.".
Once the narcissist smears you,its sets like concrete to these people, I made the mistake of trying to reason with people, and defend myself, plus I freaked out badly when the smear happened, which gave them more ammo
"why do you make me feel guilty", "I will love you as long as you respect and obey me", "Why do you want so much attention".....when you bring up a concern, they go silent for weeks and ghost you.And when they return its like nothing happened..... I endured infinite silent treatments, rage, disrespectful branding,....I felt like I was chasing him the whole 8 years..Thank God I'm out now.I never had the courage to walk away,he did and it saved me.
@@rosemadder5547 its so exhausting...You feel so lost and you kinda lose yourself..in the end though when you learn the truth,you renew your mind and come out better..
@@rosemadder5547 Yes! "I deserve your respect!" while treating me abominably. Word of advice. Never answer, "Why?" or "So do I" and do not laugh.It does not improve the situation.
@@FreeLife2022 Narcissists are nothing if not resourceful in maintaining their large and fragile egos. There is no problem in saying what needs to be said to put a narcissist in their place or doing what needs to be done to eliminate them from your life, however, it is certainly a problem if they happen to be your employer and your livelihood depends on them. Good luck!
Narcissistic personalities scare me. I always buy into their bs and end up doubting my own opinions and even my intelligence. It’s gaslighting on an entirely different level.
@lschrandt Doubting your own opinions and intelligence...isn't that painful? Especially after the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, looking down their long nose with shame and dissatisfaction, just as they careen their head up towards the heavens with their self-assured, superior judgement. In watching many of these videos with Doctor C, I have concluded that the only proper response is no response, mind blowing and frustrating as it is. Why can't two grown men in their 50s agree to disagree about something? Because one of them needs to feel superior, is still extremely broken, and ultimately resents someone like me who has the audacity to assert themselves and perhaps think outside of the narcissist's little paradigm. I can 100% "to each their own", but still have my own convictions and opinions. He couldn't. His pollyanna couldn't handle my matter-of-fact. Be careful showing too much of your intelligence around the narcissist. Their "control and contain" work ethic latches on like a steel jawed trap. And then they dismiss you! Of all things!
I recently witnessed mastery in the art of manipulation. I recall being led into an ambush where I unwittingly took the bait and was immediately accused of inflaming the situation. As the drama developed in a silly direction, and one I was confused by, my aware self was filming the sub text and noticed the manipulator controlling the whole scene. Truly shocking to see it in the open.
This sealed it, Dr. Carter! Now I know it is not my imagination. No independent ways are allowed in a narc family. Go along with, obey, or you are the eight ball. A custom made excuse for everything. Better yet, no excuses are required of the narc, just no admittance or denial, ever. Any “boundaries” exposed by victim confirms victim is guilty as presumed. Until victim is left broken down like a car that the narc will give a jump start to. Complete mental cruelty.
Number 7 is totally on point. My mom constantly points out the people around her have 'psychological problems ' or are Bipolar or depressed if they have differing and smarter views than her. It's actually funny to hear her say this because she's far worse 🤣
My Dad does this. Hasn't done it since I said that I spoke to a psychiatrist. Who told me there is nothing wrong with me. The look on his face. Never seen him stare so hard. They cannot use that on me. My Dad will say you don't have to take certain things personal. Your emotional. I try my most to not be around him. Most of the guys I have been out with have been refered to as Narcassistic like. My Dads behavior to blame aye.
Not had that but I've had the nobody else thinks like that, talks about/like that, nobody else does that, other people agree with me, you need to be more understanding, blah blah blah...... my now 80 year old parents did a psychological number on me. Predominantly father blaming, mother shaming. I thought it was me. Now I realise I was heavily conditioned, brain washed to believe everything was somehow my fault. The icing on the cake is my mother now saying I'm indecisive! Yet she is jealous of the things ive done. All the while im battling with illness. If they're threatening to call someone else, id say let them and pack your bags ✌
oh yes! or the "EVERYBODY" thinks this way about you! naming my own family members! close ones, too! i actually took those lies to my loved ones who were so confused by the whole situation anyway & even more so When I asked if they had said these things. Of course they didn't - they couldn't understand why they would say that they did. I never believed anything they said ever again in reference to that sort of thing after that and I felt bad that I bought into it and called people I love dearly (and love me dearly) out on just a bunch of yuck! it's so hurtful. i'll never be okay no matter how enlightened i have become. never.
My narc ex husband used to love accusing me of never apologizing when HE did something he needed to apologize for (swearing at me, lying to me, etc). I said "Ok, tell me what I have done that needs an apology" Then he would say "Unlike you, I don't keep score. But since I can forgive YOU without your apologizing, you should do the same for me". Thereby getting away without apologizing to me for his obvious transgression or blackmailing me in to apologizing when I hadn't done anything. He was a master-class narc. My counsellor referred to him as a psychopath.
My ex did the same! And just like that, they manage to get the conversation away from their wrongdoings and instead attack you while you stand there trying to defend yourself!
So glad he's an Ex for you now! Mine spat, "So what do you want? You want me to FEEL BAD about it?" ... that was one of the final signs that helped me realize he was incapable of self-reflection and authentic remorse, and that I had nothing to work with. I wasn't asking him to grovel, just to understand how deeply he was constantly hurting me by regularly turning to masturbating to porn for his sexual gratification, while treating me with complete sexual disinterest -- because I was just a housemate and extra paycheck to help him live the facade of a married life to his family & friends. Once we divorced and I began healing, I remembered the red flag of objectification I'd missed when he'd casually described his cold-blooded, self-centered analysis: "I said to myself, 'This might be my last chance at happiness'" .... which explained why as we drove to his sister's house from the jewelry store with my engagement ring on my finger, he kept one hand on the wheel and slapped his right hand down onto my left knee while bellowing, "BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!" It felt like a knife to my heart and I bit my lip while tears formed, as moments before I'd been filled with love, tenderness, & euphoria. And I sat debating silently whether to ask him not to cheapen this experience....while my rapidly shrinking, inner warrior screamed at me, "When you get to his sister's, get out of his car, put the ring on his hood, get in YOUR car, and DRIVE AWAY!!!!" But my Mom's domineering Narc abuse combined with my own Stockholm Syndrome excuse-making of, "Oh, you know how crass he can be sometimes, he doesn't mean any harm!", that my Inner Warrior didn't have a chance....until five year's worth of my sobbing into pillows and suicidal thoughts became greater than my fear of divorce & fear of his rages. That's how God helped me grow a spine at the age of 45, and brought me back to Jesus and healing, and to a church of godly male leadership that is neither passively emasculated nor Narc ruled, so I feel safe. If I can rebuild my life with the dignity & joy that is our birthright, then anyone can! 😀
The “shame you for independent thinking” really hit home… “oh well I guess you know everything,” “you just want to control,” or “why does everything have to be your way?” (When in reality you never get your way because they never even consider your thoughts)… Expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions is not trying to control anyone, it’s being respectful of myself and holding a space for myself while attempting genuine communication and understanding… just so maddening when you try to communicate with these people…
100%! Or the “you just want me all to yourself” and “you never want me to have any friends”, when they literally talking to their friends 24/7 and hang out as much as possible. 🙄
They say all those things about me. They expect me to support their crabs, their mess practices , their insecurities and their discomforts about life as a whole, their fear of the unknown. They hate my independence, my strength and my strong will. They hate everything about me. THEY HATE ME FOR BEING THE CHOSEN ONE. I am , the true child of the Living God and not a fake. They hate my authenticity, for being truthful.
I made the mistake of giving them a taste of their own medicine. All that they did was turn it back to me and acted as if I was the one doing it the entire time. I was accused of being the narcissist.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I wish I heard something like this before wasting my 20 years in a marriage with a narcissist. If you're watching this and your spouse does these to you, do NOT waste your life even one more day and get out. The narcissist NEVER change.
The issue is when you don't have good health and you have to rely on them. Covid has put many of us in worse situations with our Narcissist partners. 😢
Wasted 50 years on my all narc parents and both narc siblings. Its a killer to break free and go no contAct but also liberating. I cant believe I wasted my energy on them. Cancer twice lung clots asthma covid hospitalisation. I am 59 and am finally getting on with my life. But these s***s sucked the lifeblood out of me.
In terms of self-healing from narcissistic abuse I begin from my own relational patterns (wounds, reactions, etc), that are patterned to survive this horrific condition. It’s not “the real me”, which is my core, loving self. It is the “survival self” patterned in the context of an aggressive and impossible relationship. THANK YOU, Dr. Carter - you continue to inspire my deepest healing! ❤
Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a little kid who just says “ I know you are but what am I ” to everything. Whether it makes sense or not. They just want to get that rise.
I found the most useful thing to say to a narcissist is "so what?" My ex would throw criticisms one after another, and he would get more and more annoyed that I wasn't bothered by his words and kept telling him "so what?" It made him look like the problem because I stayed calm and he got more and more agitated.
Am in horrible situation. I left to another state with him. Listening to this makes my heart smile. Thank you. Now I have to figure out my exit plan. Sleeping in my own car tonight. Thank God I kept my car.
I left one year ago last month, no contact since. It was 8 years of being on trial, constantly defending myself and my love for him. I'm so fractured and damaged that I've determined to never enter into a relationship again. I'm just focusing on myself and my healing from now on. I'll never allow anyone to hurt me by being vulnerable again. It's not worth it.
@juliasmith88 I hear you about not being interested in entering another relationship again. I feel the same way. I am not interested in getting too close to someone in any type of relationship. My father was overprotective and I have a narcissistic brother and sister. After looking back, I have noticed they had narcissistic tendencies from childhood. I was the first person in my family that went to therapy (in my late 20s) because I was so depressed and frustrated. I was ostracized by my father for going to a counselor. I was eventually diagnosed with major depression and started on meds which I took for close to a decade all together. Narcissistic abuse was never mentioned. I felt like I lived in a bubble and wondered why I couldn't be happy like other people. I have lived my whole life with a spirit of fear and anxiety. Still trying to conquer clutter and disorganization that causes my anxiety. On top of that, avoidance causes it to have snowballed. 😞 I have a lot of empathy because of my personal faults, which makes me a prime target for narcissistic abuse. I have learned to set boundaries and don't have expectations of people. Without videos like these, I would have totally crumbled.
To apologize my ex-wife used to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way." That was her way of apologizing which is actually putting the blame not on her but on the other person. I brought this up many times in counseling as not a true apology.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry." Eventually I even stopped getting those. I didn't hear an apology for the 5 years before I left.
This is chillingly accurate in every detail. Every time I start feeling guilty about wanting to be free from it, I need to listen to this. I have some mental illness that I take medication for, and every time I get “sassy” the very first thing he jumps to arguing is “you’re not taking your medication” even though I very well am. Every. Single. Time.
And if you confront him about it infront of someone else, does he lie and say " I don't say that" and try to twist his or your words to make it out like your crazy or liying?
They love twisting things. I remember once I confided in my ex narc about how I grew up in poverty and I mentioned how it caused new feelings of envy and etc and he made a point to say that I was just a jealous and spiteful person because of what others had in front of his family. I was so embarrassed. That's just one example that's just one example of how they can twist things to make you seem like you're the bad guy. And they're really good at it too
Yeah they’re really cruel they use the most horrible things that happened to you and your life to hurt you they’re not even human beings in my estimation you don’t have any empathy for another human beings and you’re not human like aliens
@ Jessica It's f**king horrible when they do that. You get that sick to your gut feeling of the betrayal. Just know that you are the one who did nothing wrong. You confided and they betrayed you. They are completely to blame for that. Narcissists try and get your secrets, your true feelings and then they try and destroy you. Never feel ashamed of what you might have said, they feed off shame. Love yourself ♥️ and tell them to f**k off.
Twisting things, then giving them a negative spin, so that they look like heroes for putting up with you. The thing is, it doesnt even have to be any private confidence. They'll use anything. My husband went up to an acquaintance and said, "my wife is a TH-cam expert," made me look like an internet addict... I am 56, and he was talking to someone in my parents' generation. That sort of comment sounds terrible to someone from that generation. Maybe I should have said, I am becoming a narcissism expert to deal with YOU, thank God for TH-cam...
I am so relieved to understand what I have been going through for the last 37 years. I don’t understand why he even wants to be married to me still. When I first heard what gaslighting was I cried. I realized that this is what made me feel like I was crazy all this time. I am working on boundaries and would like to leave but have no where to go at this point. I will go one day… hopefully my next job interview will work out.
Yes! I have experienced all of these, from one person! My head is spining constantly, because I just can't wrap my head around the fact that some people could be so calculating and intentionally cruel. Especially someone who claimed to love me.
@@marlomirre161 I'm so sorry you're going through this, too! Stay strong. We deserve much better than this. We matter, and we have places like this channel where we can begin healing 🖤
The best way to get rid of a narcissistic person is to just tell them you forgive them for their arrogance, forget they exist and move on with your life.
I just said this to my therapist the other day - "it almost feels like the last 12 yrs of my life doesn't even exist." Like I never even met this man, married, built a house, went on motorcycle trips, went camping all summer. She said it was my defense mechanism due to trauma of trying to navigate his blaming me for being the problem and turning himself into the victim. She said I'm still in the grieving process as it has only been 5 wks since I moved out even though he announced he was done almost 5 mos ago and still won't complete the divorce process.
Thank you, Dr Carter for validating just how mad my existence was with my ex-husband. I had none of this knowledge then but enough sense to finally say I cannot remain in this relationship any longer for my own sanity. No matter what. This after over 20 years of “trying”. Thank you for shining a huge light!
Right there with you....planning my exit now. It's a challenge because I have a small hobby farm with goats, turkeys, chickens, dogs and cats to also deal with. Thank God for good friends who are willing to come along side and help me escape. It won't be long now...
We never knew why my grandma was seemingly so mean and could flip at a switch. The more we look into true clinical narcissism, the more we’ve realized this is why she can’t act like a “normal” human being. She’s 86 and has driven 90% of her family away.
Arguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested - anything you say can and will be used against you.
I told mine, I don't entertain distortion. I ask you to leave if you start. He was like implying I'm leaving when you start. I repeat and told him it's distortion and I'm not entertain it.
So true.
I can vouch for that especially because the ex-husband narcissist in my life is a cop.
Yes this has been my life growing up unfortunately
@@helenemohlin4261 what is distortion?
Never waste your time explaining yourself to anyone intent on misunderstanding you.
^wisdom for the ages
That is brilliant 😃
I'm learning that more and more.
Excellent way of putting it!
One I'm going to copy. Thanks for sharing.
1. Bait you into arguing to use against you
2. Insist you have to justify your actions/feelings
3. Shame you for independent thoughts
4. Make you feel responsible for their mood
5. Offer lame excuses then blame you for your reaction
6. Try to intimidate you when you have boundaries
7. Accuse you of being a Narcissist
All of this is done to WEAR YOU DOWN, become weak, anxious, depressed, withdrawn, negative and cynical.
thanks 😊
(Just like them)
My dads wife and assistant ( fantasy girlfriend) yes I said that… are both narcissists trying to alienate me from my dad. He knows how they are but I’m starting to think he likes it😂 he tries to lump me in with “all these women fighting over him” 😂 Gross
He’s very I’ll but I can’t be around these horrible women. Sorry Dad I’m starting to think you might be mentally ill and are not a good parent either. They can have him and “The Will”. I am healthy happy and financially secure … just another reason they are intimidated by me. Have fun with your women Dad 😂
I agree with all of this and had experienced it within the marriage with my ex, who was a classic narc.
Job well done for my Narc he's passed all 7 with flying colors. 😢
When a narcissist is blaming or accusing,
he is actually confessing.
Yep! You get it.
Absolutely I noticed this too, when my boyfriend was staying out all night long and then would accuse me of being disrespectful and disloyal calling me “slut” ect ect. I Said all you’re doing Is telling on yourself seen as I was home and you were out all night I was not in any position to have an opportunity to be any of those things yet you were! lol he hates that I have the ability to see thru his bs. and then he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes he can’t relate he can literally call me a derogatory name and I will repeat his own words and he reacts as of I’M CALLING him the names and just can’t believe it! It is ridiculous! So therefore Anything he tells me I’m doing I know he is. Because he can’t see anything from any other perspective but his own and if he’s thinking it or doing it well everyone must do the same! It’s utter insanity and the rage that manifests when I call out his lies and manipulative behavior he LOSES IT! and it’s beginning to get physical and I know it’s not going to get better it’s only escalating but being disabled and not having anywhere to go and he won’t leave cuz he’s got a free ride there’s very little hope for Me to escape this relationship from hell
@@cjhortonvalliere3285 maybe contact law enforcement and other agencies committed to protecting women from abuse by their significant other.
@@cjhortonvalliere3285there’s always a way out !!!! Speak even to police if you must ! These people are dangerous and if he’s getting physical then you MUST leave please 🙏🏼
yes yes yes
1) recognize the narcissist
2) don't take in anything they say about you - good or bad
3) stop seeking their approval / permission / understanding
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
4) Get away and STAY AWAY
Yes and number 3 is hardest as I hate misunderstandings and have to see what Dr. C said as they meant to misunderstand you or never cared to understand you. It is hard because I hate it when people can't seek solutions and feel like part of me just can't admit they have problems and I am safer away from family members I love. The other hard part is giving up. I was taught like many Americans of my generation that perseverance is important and valuable. It is hard to fight that trait and that trait is what often drew NPDs to me I think. They saw it as lots of supply but to me it is just a part of my DNA almost and I have learned to be more cautious thanks to Dr. C
Good statement, thank you
Thanks for this, this channel truly sets people Free from bondage
You know you’re dealing with a narcissist when you constantly ask “why”? Why do they do that, say that, act like that?
Exactly...they love to create confusion!
Absolutely 💯
Omg, yes!
I literally get physically ill in my gut when I know I have to ask why...I know it's going to never be an adult, straight forward answer...It s going to be a lie, a deflection or word salad.......
@@Suzu52 exactly. Plus the added bonus of everything being your fault. The time I’ve spent trying to explain myself. They’ll never get it. They are incapable. But we’re learning and every day gets better
Be careful. A narcissist will turn it around and gaslight you into thinking maybe you're the problem.
Yes ! They will lie and smear you to others ! Also, legal action must be taken when lies are written on police reports!
They will do the smear/spread campaign and tell those you are the problem using a nasty word
@@JenGable-Justeson Will I need an attorney for the legal action?
How can u tell if theyre doing this? Im jus stuck in a loop wonderin if im the peice of shit narcissistic cunt or if they are, its not fun
They will never admit to them being the problem. Think of a person on a pedestal. That is them.What they do think or say will always be RIGHT in their mind. Nobody else will be.
Nobody has ever accused me of narcissism until I met a real narcissist.
That's how it works.
Its so ironic how that equation works for them. Blows my mind….
@saucejones exactly! And now they're dating the girl they told me not to worry about. The "just a friend" they post about her like she's everything all while still posting songs I dedicated to them haha a mockery. Crazy how narcissist will still attempt to indirectly play at your strings.
I had never even heard the word until my ex who turned out to be a narc told me that her previous ex was one. That's actually what made me research narcissism and realize that she was the narc. They're projection is insane.
Definitely felt that!
They are attracted to your spirit and vitality. They live to break your spirit and snuff out your light. Never again ✨
EXACTLY
@@JenniferL-b4g yes! Broken people who look to bring others down to their level.
Yes they are energy vampires
Preach!
Careful with your Light IF you are required to share space/time with the parasite. Listen, smile, keep conversations brief and neutral.
I diligently went to therapist for two years, trying to fix the person that in reality, my partner caused me to become. The narcissistic abuse made me break and go insane, and my reactions were pointed out as the problem. The gaslighting and manipulation caused me to absolutely believe I was the cause of all our problems. I committed to fixing myself so he would be happier (he never went to therapy because he had no problems.) Strangely enough my “mood swings” and “outbursts” disappeared when I left the relationship. I’m not insane anymore.
It's the same kind of relief as when you get away from a hornet's nest that has been swat.
So glad you got away ❤
GREAT JOB.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you move to a different house or buy a different car because those things remind you of the settings where the abuse occurred? I am considering putting mine on the market.
@@tiffanykennedy788 No, because all those things I already had before the relationship, he was only a guest in my life. He used to complain about how shitty and ugly my car was all the time, but now I embrace it, I really love it. I do have a new apartment which he had never set his foot in.
If you own a home, and need to get out of there because it’s too painful, maybe you can rent a place and at the same time rent out your home? You should never have to make losses because of a bad person who did those things to you.
"They didn't want to understand you in the first place ." EXCELLENT PHRASE !
@Scott's Precious Little Account
That lack of empathy is narcissistic not that you are a narcissist but just self involved. It’s ok to not understand others but not caring shows lack of empathy. Carelessness is allow a trait of NPD.
OMG. That phrase is a game changer!
Absolutely
They play dumb and pretend they don't understand you. So you can over compensate and wear you down to find out how to manipulate you and control you.
With a smile to your face and hate you in your back.
It took me many years to find out the pattern how I got so broken down.
I dicifered the narc code.
And belive me IT is Insanely cruel and calculated destruction of your being just out of no reason at all.
Just pure evil with VERY BIG AROGANT EGOS
My ex told me he studied me. He said what bothered him was no matter what I was one step ahead of him. God was with me and still is.
I left my entire family because of narcissistic abuse, enablers and flying monkeys. I now live free, safe and peacefully.
❤
Love this ❤
Same!
Narcissm runs in my family as well
cheers to you carol I did exactly the same thing
This is why I've always felt like certain family members don't know me at all. It's because they actually don't have an interest in getting to know me. It's all about them. One of my favourite quotes is from the movie The World's Greatest Dad: "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone."
Agree. Other people and interest can be an oasis.
I became someone I didn’t like.
I became negative, anxious, angry, and felt better alone.
I wish I had educated myself on Narcissism earlier but it’s not too late to heal.
Great movie!
@@shelleynamdar7103 I love it! So underrated.
So you are a narcissist?
this has happened to me the relatives sidelined me for being '' different '' the only mentally healthy people on my mom's side of the family mom and one uncle the rest are gossipy narcs that lie about people that are not narcs i would rather be alone than around narc relatives
You have to walk on eggshells around a narcissist. Consistently checking how they might interpret your words in a way that makes you look bad. Almost anything you say - even something as innocent as saying it’s about to rain - can lead to an argument or lead the conversation down a path that makes you look stupid.
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself.
Yes !!
So true.
Yes I definitely have the same problems as you have written about boy isn’t it hard work it’s ! It’s all a waist of time and energy they suck the joy out of everything , and love to ruin birthdays Christmas anniversary’s 25 years and nothing for our anniversary ?
This happened to me on a daily basis. I was loosing my mind.
It's crazy!!!
Everything they accuse you of, they are doing it!! Everything, from being a terrible partner and being a psycho, to cheating!
Huge FACTS !
hahahaha boy did you nail that one! exactly!
Oh yes that's basic. 💯
U have nailed it
I'm going through this right now!!!!!!
❤ this!
Blame everyone else for THEIR insecureties and failures and SUCK the joy out of EVERYTHING 😢
Omg yes
They're soul sucking parasites!
That's exactly what they do, you are so correct
In all the 47 years of marriage to my ex Covert Narcissist, I NEVER understood why he was always in an adversarial role with me. Always in competition with me. All I wanted was to be partners. He would have none of it. I am now married to the man of my dreams. We are best friends, confidantes, lovers, travel buddies, etc. Run, don’t walk, away from the narcissist in your life. They will NEVER change. Trust me.
You speak for many. Dr. C
I am so happy for you that you got away and found true love. I've been with mine for 17 years and I'm trying to leave but its so expensive. Some days I worry I'll never make it out. And that I'll never know true love. But you've given me a little hope. 🙏🏻
You gave me hope too.
Sheryl been over 30 odd years of marriage for me and nearly 4 years separated hopefully will meet the man of my dreams and travel buddy one day just like yourself. Wishing you peace and happiness you deserve. 🙏
Sheryl Bracht, how did you trust yourself to not repeat the same relationship? I was 18.5 years married 2 years separated/divorce & now 1.5 years divorced. Healing is happening but I have fear.
An overwhelmingly dominant personality such as a narcissist's biggest nightmare is someone who doesn't fear the outcome of walking all over their codes/rules. Nothing will make them flee from you quicker than having that demeanor of my spirit is bulletproof and I will publicly unmask you and put you in your place if you try me , they will disappear swiftly. They fear others having strength and indifference.
Spot On! My 33 & 35 year olds have been playing my buttons until I started developing boundaries several years back. The blow ups at me escalated to the point I finally calmy put my foot down and now they want nothing to do with me.
I really had rose colored glasses on with my children’s ill behavior but, only towards me.
I didn’t like who they had become(behavior) towards others, and although , they seemed angry at me all the time, at least they were in my life.
So, I tried to be an exceptional role model with good character traits well, that didn’t work.
I’m at the end of putting all the puzzle pieces together.
I suddenly concluded, I walked on eggshells all those years out of guilt ( leaving there dad I’d met in high school over 30 years ago, he was extremely abusive) I wish I would have set better boundaries years ago had I known what I do today.
I found out he never stopped bad mouthing me , even to my own family and high school friends. I was recently made aware of that!
Moreover, , after the last 10 years of healing I clearly recognized my angry, dismissive mother whom never touched or told me she loved me had a tremendous effect on how I treated myself.
I understand now why I tolerated such bad behavior from so many, as an adult.
Anyhow, in some strange way I feel like I’m finally free from some nightmare, and I can finally live my life in peace at almost 60! 🙌
Blessings on your journey 🙏
@@bodymindsoul60 Better late than never to start your healing process and unplugging from toxicity. Blessings to you aswell🤝🏻
@@observationsincars5083 Amen, ty🙏
@@bodymindsoul60 thank you for sharing your story!
Yeah it almost funny when you won’t play their games I tell him I’m going to play your sick games now he won’t help me with anything I won’t to do because that what your for supply to take all the blame !
My biggest disappointment with most counselors out there is that they don't seem to have a clue about identifying covert narcissists. These "counselors" seem to have a "one-size-fits-all" treatment and the victim ends up worse than before walking through the counselor's door. I'm so grateful for Dr Carter and other Clinicians for helping us understand this phenomenon, learn to set boundaries, reclaim our sanity, our individuality, and our freedom. Thank You!!!
I agree! Yes!
I sought a psychologist for help because my ex wouldn't work on our relationship. They tried to diagnose me with a personality disorder in the first session. I was protecting my ex and not disclosing the physical and psychological abuse. It took me so much time to unravel the gaslighting and cohesive control.
My ex is definitely a covert narc.
I went to a marriage counselor at calvary of Albuquerque and it really was useless. The narcissists can easily manipulate a counselor that's not a professional.
@@Raven.13 The narc makes you feel like you should protect them, be loyal, even in the psychologist's office! If you can't be honest with a psychologist, they may realize something is 'off', but they won't be able to figure out what's going on ....
👍
95% of psychologists are covert narcs. Exceptions are hard to find…
"Narcissists see your boundaries as an invasion of their own" - Dr. C (some time years ago)
@@smac1823 💯
No one has ever regretted going no contact.
I certainly don’t!
More peaceful & no drama on this side. ❤
Not one person ever! It's crazy how peaceful it can be.
When I pointed out the ongoing silent treatment, the narcissist didn’t disagree. Instead, he described the material things he had provided for me and I looked like the difficult, ungrateful person. Narcissists use this redirection tactic because it is simple and it works. It kept me stuck for years, until Dr C gave it a name - narcissistic abuse.
This. This. This. You are not alone
Yes. They think the "good things" they do make up for, trump, and overtake anything bad they do.
This was my parents and my ex husband!!!👍👍👍 they dont look at their bad behavior only your reaction!!!!
So very true, my mother would do the same when I would talk with her bout important things, completely check out while I was speaking. It felt like I was talking to a wall! I started getting frustrated at all the times I tried to communicate with her, she turned into a wall. I started behaving narcissistic myself towards, her by demanding , her to respond. They are very dark souls, and the fact that someone could take a seriously important conversation, and gaslight the person through there darkness. Completely defeats me into working together with her.
Anyways I sympathize with your suffering. It’s hard! But I’ve chosen to seek Gods wisdom in battles with these souls that I believe are trapped by demons. So I’m going to pray spiritual warfare over them.
God bless❤️
@@candywilkins386 so true, to continue what I wrote, my mother would gaslight me until I would react in an anxiety attack, then she would say she ways afraid of me? 🤔 because I would start to cry and talk louder to voice my frustration towards her, but she found a way to turn a frustrated person into her smelling like a peach and me like the opposite. 🤨
It’s like how a cat plays with the mouse 🐭
When the mouse stops reacting, the cat will pat the mouse again to make it react again.
I’m slowly learning to stop caring and working with someone who even though is my family, I’m needing to keep a separate relationship between us.
God bless❤️
It’s a vicious cycle . Narcissistic not only cause damage but also get other people to perceive you the same way as the “problem “ so it’s hard to get help when no one believes you
Totally relate to this, with their phony act they put on before others.....
Especially as a man. No support out there.
As I man,you have to help yourself! You have to treat a narcissist like a vampire......
Ugh, we understand you! Don't by into their gaslighting!
I've been living for 50 years, I'm not about to let a hurt lil evil girl mess up my head. ACTIONS!!! That's what we all must do! The narcissist are doing an evil act to destroy your life!!!!! What are you going to do? Treat them like a bully......but worst!
My feelings are not allowed, been taught this since my childhood
Yep!!!
:(
Yes! It sucks. I’m getting to the point where I can finally feel solid in myself again. I’m creating things I haven’t in years. I hope everyone in this comment section heals❤️❤️
@@carmenishere yes so am i .. moving on from toxic people trying to improve every day
I was taught this too...or rather I somehow picked it up as I went along in childhood. My feelings count and so do yours. 🙏🪷
You let them in your world with only good intentions and they pretend to be morally good and act like they like you, but meanwhile they're plotting on how to hurt you and take away your smile.
💯💯💯💯💯 true...
Yes girl I can agree I promise I can they are the worst people in the world
So well said.
So so true. They plot and plot..and plot some more. 🙏🪷
Amen
I really started thinking that something is wrong with me, and I searched through all personality disorders to find out what is wrong with me and then I came across all the narcissistic stuff and finally I can clearly see I am not the problem! My husband follows all the patterns of making me look and feel like the problem...
If he will not seek counseling and continues to psychologically abuse you, perhaps it is time to leave.
Yep. Nothing is ever good enough
I wouldn’t say that means you’re not the problem. You have to ask yourself why you have been vulnerable to them in the first place
@@subg8858 then you disagree with the author of the video, while I think he is right in my case.
I actually went to a psychologist for help, the sad thing is that I was trying to discuss my reactions to my ex without disclosing the psychological and physical abuse, I was always protecting him. He would never do counselling with me. So I took myself to get help. In the first session the psychologist took out her DSM and flicked through the pages to suggest diagnoses. She was going to diagnose me with BPD. That's how scary this shit it.
Now that I have left and unraveled the gaslighting and cohesive control I see how I was made to look and feel like the problem. I'm scared he will use that against me. I took out an AVO to keep him away from me, best thing I ever did. Apart from the trauma left behind as I recall events I feel sane and normal, I have no disorder I hold none of those traits with ANYONE in my life.
RUN as fast as you can.
Been dealing with this for YEARS! I can't tell you how accurate this video is. Thank you!
Me too
Its sickening isnt it
Why don't you get out, I landed up seeing a shrink and he advised me to get out. Maybe yours are not to bad?
@@ferretfriend5458 You’re stuck when a child is involved.
Same here, it’s hard not to bite back sometimes because it builds up over time but if you can just not react the peace after is worth it
They love telling you "You're too sensitive!"
Always, and overthink things
@@impossiblegems could you please do a favor for a random guy on TH-cam? Could you please give me a few other examples of what a narcissist does in relationships? I’m trying to figure out if my partner has narcissistic tendencies.
Id really appreciate it.
If not, that’s okay.
If so, thanks in advanced.
Yes I get that all the time
@@lolasmith1585 Me too
They are the least sensitive people in the world. I was told my feelings are just excuses.
They love to upset people...
So that they can blame them for being upset...and call them a negative person. I do believe they get an adrenaline rush out of doing sneaky abusive things to people....and this becomes habitual.
Absolutely describes my ex. What a nightmare!
@@AnimaChristisalvame..there are so many of them. They hate peace and quiet.
Sick and twisted, they can live with the misery of never being their authentic self.
They project what was done to them onto others. Like a vampire bites others.
Yeah they feed off pain.
A lot of toxic workplaces use that "not a good team player' to the point where I don't want to work in a 'team' setting at all. "Good team player' means doing all the work while getting blamed for other's mistakes and never being able to voice an opinion. Small wonder people prefer to work from home.
I always despised the term “team player”.
Immediate turn off for me.
Implies u need to be a mindless follower with no independent thought.
I had a narcissistic manager who postponed our weekly status meetings at the last minute every week for 6 months so he could blindside me with a negative performance review. I played super dumb, pretending not to understand all the innuendoes and corporate euphemisms. I actually laughed in his face when he said I had attempted to “create a rift” in the team, because he had actually succeeded in causing a rift during that performance review period. It was fun watching him escalate the insults because I wasn’t visibly suffering as he hoped. Finally we ran out of time. Corporate jobs suck.
Exactly 💯 %
for years i made the mistake of thinking female centred workplaces would be preferable, more kinder to building sites or workshops full of grunting males, boy was i wrong lol. .
@@NOT_SURE.. Is your screen name a reference to the movie Idiocracy? Great movie!
My mother was a master manipulator and able to recruit everyone friends and family onto her side. Since no one ever saw her in action when she was saying and doing cruel things to me she made herself look innocent and was an expert at playing the victim. I would have to keep my mouth shut because if I spoke up then I was the bad person and she would inform all her friends and the family members about what a problem I was. I once tried to confide in a family member about what was going on and they went straight to her and told on me. It's enough to make you lose your marbles. It was nothing but constant mental and emotional torture my entire life around her and not having anyone on my side or knowing what was going on behind closed doors took a terrible toll on my self worth. Watching your videos makes me feel a bit better knowing someone understands what it is like living with these manipulators.
We must be sisters because you just described my mother!
@@Kelly-oe8kr Oh Lord, I'm so sorry. It is awful how they can manipulate and control everything. I wish you love and peace sister.🙏
Same happened to me. You are made of strong stuff ♥️♥️♥️
Yes, every word. Same with my mother and her other 3 daughters who now term as the " flying monkeys ". Unable to think for themselves. And my mother told all of them I was JEALOUS of them to alienate them from me. Theres just no end to a Narcissists methods of manipulation, brainwashing and games ..
@@victoriaholler2949 Seems like their ability to cause us pain brings them pleasure. My mother made it her mission to hurt me as often as possible. Somehow it brings me a little peace to know others understand what I went through because she made me feel like I was crazy.
Emotional immaturity and severe lack of interpersonal skills. The narc in a nutshell.
I actually started believing I was a narcissist. My therapist had to convince me I wasn’t 😅
I know that one. Funny enough i myself told my sister she was a narc because she actually is one! But i am sure she iwill turn it around and say to everyone that i am the narc and i was just projecting onto her. She ghosted me anyway after I called her out on her poor behaviour, so not even sure she looked at that email of mine. Doesnt matter. i put it out there into the universe and i know the truth. They do make you go crazy thinking that you are the problem. I have gone no contact with her (and the brother and mother both narcs as well)
Me too
🤗
I know! Same here. And then they repeat it so often. I recently called out the covert sister but of course she now tells everyone that I am the narc and was just projecting onto her! I have had years of therapy: clue: none of the 4 family members who are narcs have! both parents and both siblings are horrid, very intelligent but the father and brother sadistic traits whilst telling me I am mean and calling me god-awful names. Trouble is the older the brother got, the more underhand and manipulative he was, it all went more covert so everyone thought I should be more 'forgiving' because he had 'changed'. Worst mistake ever to believe in that. A narc is a narc is a narc. They are not just mean on Tuesday and Wednesday. They are mean all week all day long, just manage to hide it better. And I am good now that I have gone no contact with them all. That is the best evidence. if you can live peacefully with others, give and receive love when you are away from these chaotic people, then you are good.
I'm struggling with this thought now. My therapist tells me I'm not either.
When I moved away I didn’t realize that I was being bad mouthed and lied about by my family. When I returned, it was oblivious, no one is speaking to me, even friends would say, “ I heard your a bad person” 😳
The vindictiveness never ends with them.
Yes ! I agree ! You are left scratching your head like and stating to yourself, "What is going on here ?!?"...Right ?!? I totally understand....
Yep. Yep yep. Except with a whole community :,) nearly drove me out of the city
Happened to me too. For some reason everyone always believes their lies even though they know me personally. I don’t get it and it’s very hurtful.
@@unicornus33 I agree ! Then, you have to get to the SOURCE, the individual(s) who made the sadistic choice to spread the horrible lies, because they wanted to isolate, triangulate, degrade, and inflict more pain, probably out of malignant jealousy. Next, depending on who is involved, then perhaps calling them out on it, or not (it depends) may be in order. Last, once you catch wind of this, you can begin working to set yourself free. It is bad enough when the outside (society) smears you, but when it comes from a family member, or multiple members, that is despicable !
Please stay strong and know you are NOT alone...keep fighting ! Remember ..that you may be interacting with VERY emotionally disturbed (ASPD/Dark Triad) individual(s), who may be the type to "KICK A DOG WHILE THEY ARE DOWN"..and want your demise ! It is very sick...indeed !
@@jengable4888 thank you for the encouragement. And yes it is a sad day when you realize your family members are literally your enemies and want bad things for you.
I'm going to guess one/state one I've experienced. They do something insensitive and invasive, and when you set the slightest boundary in response to it, they insist that you instigated an absurd conflict for no reason.
You're onto it!
A classic.
Yes. Same here.
I’ve experienced that too.
Spot On!
They argue in circles !!!!!
Yes! And you try to ignore them but oh my God they just keep going on and on it’s so hard and then when you finally explode, you’re the “difficult one” 🙄
REALLY needed this 8 years ago. You're doing God's work, sir. Thank you for what you do.
I agree with you. And I see that even though I am new to this channel.
When you said "being accused for being a narcissist". I had to laugh so hard. Exactly what I'm dealing with with my narcissist. And yes, he turned me into this person I absolutely didn't like
Huge red flag!
Same here. Find myself mirroring back at them. So tempting to react or even attack without provocation. This is not me. It's the conditioning over the years. At least I know now where, and why my rebellious behavior began.
I got called one the other day by one I just laughed because I wanted to tell them that first but I said I wasn’t going there
@@QuilaGee A few months ago, I found out a friend has narcissistic traits and she told me that I was too self-centered and focused on myself... Poor lady, I really feel sorry for her, but I've gone no contact and can't help her now, sadly.
He called me a psycho path today lol. Says the one who sat next to me when I was crying and said it had litterally no affect on him in the darkest voice ive heard. Or last week when I was in excruciating pain could barely walk. He only cared about getting his video for his insta, making me stand to film it. I was fed up and said no. He acted like it was all my fault he couldn't get his video, I was practically almost limping. I even told him if you had any idea how much pain I'm in you wouldn't be so cruel to me.
This is so on point. I was with a narcissist for 10 years. Turned my world upside down and tried to turn everyone on me. I used to walk on eggshells in my own home, was afraid to even ask a question. I was in a horrible gilded cage,, he had everyone fooled.. Felt like I was losing my mind. Life is much better now that I have gotten away from that relationship.
I called it my 16 year prison term.getting out was freedom
So well put. I just ended my 22 year long abusive marriage. I know I have lots of healing to do, but I already feel so free and more like myself. 😊
This is me now. I'm making plans to leave soon. I can't deal with this narc anymore.
Congrats for getting away! I went through the same thing for 10 years with my Narcissistic ex girlfriend. Walking on eggshells. They have so many expectations and you can't tell them one single thing about themself. They need to improve nothing smh
I remember my narcissistic dad calling me manipulative when I was a kid. Then, I didn’t even understand the word “manipulative.” Now that I’m older, I feel he was projecting, blaming me for his own behavior.
They tend to do that. I know because I’m a survivor of a narcissistic mother and she projected so much onto me.
@@Brio9 thanks for sharing.
I used to think "They're hurting, go easy on them." But now I think, "No. Enough is enough." It's difficult to walk away when you care for someone, but there are only so many times you can kick a dog before it walks away.
The kicker needs to be bitten!
One of the symptoms is feeling sorry for them until realizing they're getting over and using.
Anyone telling you that they are hurt little children and don't, realize what they are doing is full of crap.
They are not hurt little children,they are fully grown manipulative,lying adults who know full well what they are doing.Positive the phrase "Hurting people hurt people" was coined by a Narcissist in an attempt to minimize the damage they cause.
We apparently deserve their maltreatment for breathing.
@@kimberlyrea3462 Don't let them read this because apparently they don't know what mercy is or sarcasm. They have no emotion.
I hate these kinds of interactions. The gaslighting and how disoriented I get because I want to be responsible, conscious and accountable for my actions and interactions. You cannot negotiate with a narcissist and come to a mutual agreement.
Indeed🙄😑
Great clear explanation of real ways they show up, believe it.
💯🎯
@margochanning6868 With Narcs, we have to pretend we are attending business meetings to get through it. Sticking only to facts, being polite & keeping our opinions and feelings out of that. (Otherwise, they tend to get a "rise" and win). We won't let them anymore. ♥️ Hope you're healing.
My heart goes out to the people who dealt with this kind of abuse for years. I was dating a narc for a few weeks and thought I was going to lose my MIND! He looked at EVERYTHING like a battle or competition. He even went as far as to say that I don't like to be held accountable whenever he blame shifted or dismissed my opinions, ideas, or feelings. I have NEVER had any men in my past or exes say that about me so that's how I know its not true. I have NEVER had to to explain myself so much and then he'd just continue to attack me over, and over, and over again anytime I explained what I meant. I have never had someone misunderstand EVERYTHING I say. So emotionally exhausting. I told him that he was toxic and emotionally abusive and then I blocked him. Good riddance!
Good for you!
Thank goodness it was few weeks for you. I lived with the narc ex for 24 years. Lifetime of misery
I survived 21 years...
@@sanjmalik6282 Wishing you continued healing!
@@akatress thank you, iam rock bottom at the moment. Just want to rid of him in my thoughts but I can't. It hurts that everything was a lie.
It is mind-blowing that there is a universal playbook.
That's because the devil never had an original thought or idea of his own and has limited game. His bag of tricks is not a bottomless one.
My first, and hopefully my last, narcissistic relationship, I became so bitter. I used to be so carefree and laugh all the time. I find it hard to find things funny anymore, really. Right before it ended I had started getting really bad anxiety attacks, which I've never really experienced in my life. I gave up my ENTIRE LIFE for this woman, remodeled a house, endlessly tried to keep up with her insatiable desire for money that she spent poorly...and I was left with what she thought was mine on the backporch after I really started to catch on...and never to be heard from again. That was 4 months ago, and I'm still not entirely myself, and I'm genuinely concerned I never will be. These people will traumatize you beyond belief. I am lucky to have even gotten a fraction of the confidence I used to have.
You will be an even better version of your old self. You’ll be able see through lies and manipulation others try to throw at you. And you’ll be able to walk away when they try to fool you. Your sense of humor will come back and you will be able to laugh. Rejoice when that day happens; it’s a total victory!
Same story 😍omg..its sad..but most of i am angry..bitter..and i want to educate myself and become teraupist ..help other😍...i feel for you..stay strong❤️❤️
I feel like you are describing me.
So sorry, you went through that but glad you managed to get away.
Yeah bud I was married 13 years to a narcissistic woman and it wrecked my personality too. My parents are old school and never said anything to us kids when it came to our relationships, but my old man in private told my mom that I needed to get out of my marriage because I had changed so much for the worse and that he missed his happy go lucky son. I finally got out but I am still not unscathed. My ex accuses me weekly of being the narcissistic one. She constantly wants to fight about the same stuff over and over and over. I have had to set boundaries and ignore her when she crosses them. It's high stress when dealing with that woman but I am hoping times the healer.
I learned with my mom and dad that it makes no difference how you react, you just can never win and you can never be right. My parents went so far to deny my whole childhood and tell me all my memories were false and i just made it up. So the only thing that helps is to just put a lot of distance and when you interact it should be superficial and only chit chat because they are going to pick a fight or complain about your behaviour to others if they get the change.
So true, sadly
So true
The thing with this whole diagnosis and lots of Dr. Carter's videos is that it could be simplified down to a few details and mechanisms. These details and these mechanisms then, operating in different circumstances, cause all the different stuff he lists in almost every video. The problem is that it is paradoxical to say that "I deny x", because by making that statement I also affirm that the x is a thing. In a narcissist's experience the other person or interpersonal reality do not exist. It is like attributing malice to a heroin addict who is simply trying to get his fix. The things he does are evil, but he is not doing them purely for the sake of being evil. You must be an imaginary you so he can be an imaginary he, because if you are real, then he must be real too, and for him that is a fate worse than death.
Sad but true. I’m gonna pick my own mom and dad because I have friends of all ages!
I had to plan and plot to get away from my narcissist now ex-husband. After the divorce and I had tied up all business Loose Ends (taking my name off of all accounts Etc), I said "I never want to see your face again!"
That was 9/9/16. Peace:PRICELESS!
With a narcissist you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't matter what you do they will find fault. It took several very painful experiences with my narcissist family and husband to learn about reactive abuse that's what they want to provoke you into being the bad guy. It is so satisfying to be able to just turn around and leave they can't stand that!
If money has NOT been used as a weapon and you can afford to...by all means leave !
@@jengable4888 Exactly- and most of the time money and/or circumstances keep someone from being able to leave and they know that. It's cruel to the least.
I recently found out the same. It's no use staring at their hypnosis, just stand up and walk away from the devil's casino, no use playing there...
@@A.Dajlida if you are able to walk away...because for some of us, money/psychological abuse has been used as weapons to control...
@@TruthBeTold0914 that is done with INTENT and you're 100% correct ! It IS sadistic, manipulative, HIGHLY controlling, furthers the victimization, clinically insane for some of us, and CRIMINAL ! If what happened to some of us occured in the UK or France, the offenders who fly under the radar in the US, would be incarcerated !
Seeing competition where there is NOT.
You can never point out narcissistic traits to a narcissist. They won't hear it and can't see it. For many years whenever I expressed an independent thought, the narc in my life would say YOU SCARE ME SOMETIMES, as though I was some monstrous entity who dared to think for myself. It worked....until it didn't anymore.
I’ve had similar experiences. I’m sorry you’re going through that - that’s a difficult double standard that’s not fair to you. I hope your situation improves!!
"They didn't want to understand you in the first place...". Major take away to remember. Thanks Dr. C
You hit the nail straight on the head! They really don’t want to understand…Perfect
They cant understand, cognitive dissonance
@@sandraaustin2120 maybe that too but I think Dr. C meant that they don't have understanding as a goal in general because it doesn't suit their needs so why waste time or bother if they can't see an up side. They care about how to use info to get them supply so they control and manage the info in such a way they misunderstand on purpose, like Devil's advocate or choose to not communicate as a mechanism to keep them from accountability. That's they way I took Dr. Cs comment. But you are right that they have a lot of cognitive dissonance and that too is like a built in defense mechanism of denial and projection, etc...the higher functioning Machiavellian ones totally understand but choose not too because they enjoy the chaos it creates. The HG Tudor types can But choose not to because it is too much fun to pass up. Like a crisis needs to be exploited by a Political narcissist, a conversation needs to be exploited by a dark triad narc. Thanks for your point. Most probably just can't, like you said.
That are bad listener!
Yes, it’s just like in a toxic family. They are incapable of understanding who we are, they don’t see us as individuals or our own persons, because they can only see us as a “roll” that they put us in to serve them. They will ONLY love you when it benefits them, and if your not giving them what they want then they will blame you and make you out to be the wrong one, as if you have to “earn” their love. Remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally, NOT transactionally
Wow, you've described my ex of 16 years in every detail. He decimated my self-confidence, my sense of self-worth... I didn't recognize myself anymore. It was heartbreaking to leave and later learn what had happened to me, as I picked up the pieces of my life.
Being treated like that should be against the law!
The main feeling I had in the relationship was that nothing I did or said was ever right. Every attempt at a conversation would turn into an argument where he'd never answer any questions but tried to turn what I said against me. He would then try to blame me for making him feel bad/hurt. Any mention of anything he did would lead to this. Things were only "okay" as long as I just agreed with everything he said and was there only when it was convenient for him.
I'm going through the exact same thing..I've lost count how many times he's thrown divorce in my face to put me in my place.
They could say something overtly abusive to you, and when you point it out and say NO, its "sorry im not perfect" and your boundary gets twisted into a criticism of them. That opens a can of worms because the narcissist is vain, and any perceived flaws you may be bringing to light are just too uncomfortable for them to face up to. So in their world, you have to tolerate abuse, cruelty, profanity and moreover insults to your intelligence, in order to preserve the facade that the narcissist is holier than thou.
💯
Or smarter than you.
Yes, as if you were asking them to be perfect!
You mail this one ! your supposed to tolerate everything they wanna do and never say anything about it and forgive them endlessly
@@mgb7140 I
What's going on with someone who has to have an adversary?? They project their feelings onto you and provoke you. These are people who have so much conflict within themselves. Thank you!! This was a great insight. I did become a person I did not like, a weak person that gave up my own insights.
They have to / enjoy having an adversary, as it's ALL A GAME TO THEM.
They hate themselves
Lisa Roy,Make your pocket no boost
Demonic oppression
@@oscarwilliamson1128 this I do not understand.
With my narcissistic mother her favorite term is "loyal". If I didn't do what she wanted, I would not be considered loyal. I also was called a narcissist. The latest one is that she was going to report me to my counseling license board because she didn't think I was handling my problems like an adult. It just escalates, which means my silence is working.
My mother also always uses “ loyalty” and “family” as reasons I should tolerate her abuse.
They embarrass you.
They push you into defence mode and then when you try to explain and justify your thoughts and feelings their reaction is "How dare you try to justify your reactions." It's a no win situation!
Totally agree!!!! I’ve been with someone 2 years now. And she gets like this, she has 2 boys and I have 2 girls. I just don’t get it
That's another good point, pushing you into defense mode. That is not a healthy form of human communication nor interactions. I think the best policy in dealing with that is to be upfront when they do so. Sure, you will get a nasty reaction in return but it's a fine art on how one can communicate/interact with them. Only give short and stern responses,. Go right for the jugular. Do not insult, do not become verbally abusive, do not escalate. If they keep it up, which they will, continue with the same approach. Like a child having a tantrum, correct the behavior. And like a child, you won't get far in trying to correct that behavior; however, the child will eventually learn that you are not to be reckoned with. It takes a lot of patience and time but you'll get there. Eventually they will limit their interactions with you. Don't want to sound like I am preaching. It's easier said than done. Trust me, I know! It's hard for people who are at peace with themselves, and with others, to deal with narcs.
Guessing: I bet one trick is at a group event they verbally nudge at something their target feels sensitive about, and when the target gets flustered, the narcissist looks like "What's wrong with YOU?" and looks at others like "See? What did I tell you?"
Yep!
You are spot on. I've got some notes from a work colleague (that they have done as a witness statement) and in it there is one situation where they did this, and then when I had left the room they said "That's him showing his aggressive side - don't you think". This was actually something where I wasn't even being aggressive but it's what she wanted to see so she said I was being aggressive anyway.
Oh, yes. They love that. They need you to be emotional, because they need someone to be out of control, and if you won't break, they will.
Why am I laughing 😂💦
To keep from cryin’ 😢💧
My mother is a grade A narcissist. It’s taken me over 40 years to escape the conditioning, learn to have boundaries
Hmm are u sure is been that ? Usually narcisism means that u are more inteligent ,even if is only emotional,so they will be interested to see your point. My mom 100 percent had paranoic disorder(the crazy type) and victim syndrom so that is much more worse from other diagnoses ,because these people dont make even suicide ,they so much want to be victims that will never do that cus then emotional pain will end. That it increase so much that finally u cant be even with there 5 minutes in the same room if u are alone,even on the phone is the same. Is very long to explain what are the consequences when even when u are grown up your legacy depends from this kind insane person so i had quit,it was final time before to freak out someday and to be too late. Also reason to quit this people life is because more simple minded people around them feel for them ,because they dont them well. Yep ,im 34 and i finally discovered my mom diagnose name
I am 59 and only recently gone no contact with mother and both narc sibling. Father narc passed away last year and i suddenly realised i had been caught all my life in a web of lies gaslighting betrayal covert operations deceit. I feel liberated but what a waste of my love on these empty vampire shells
Where and how did you start your recovery from your nars mother
@@marian9410where and how did you get help on recovering from having a narcissistic mother
Age 60 ... took me that long!
I cannot tell how many times I have been called a "narcissistic" by the one with the narcissistic traits. I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother and therefore have my "defense mechanisms". They might resemble narcissistic traits. However, I am not a narcissistic person because I am constantly checking in with myself "Am I a narcissist?" It's impossible to be a narcissist and do that.
Which is true ?
This is a very good topic to cover. I've had narcissistic people treating me horribly (arrogance, condescendance and contempt) and when I was responding to them, they were playing the victim.
Yes, all the time.
They are professional victimes - 🤯🤯🤯 - AVOID like a plage.
Thise fals angels with theyr nice shiny fascade polish theyr halo and people araund who don't know them well think that you are the demon and goes after you....
Avoid them all.
They should have to live on an island by themselves
Yep run away …with my daughter from him and his family
@@halnot4u2no75 smh woman she’s your child where did she learn this
Looking at this video and realizing that I have been right about this narcissistic situation - I have never felt more disappointed and sadder for being right. I think the reality starts to sink in. This is a really harsh journey to be in 🙁
Thank You for the eyeopening video!💗
I'm right there with you - My brain is numb trying to process this new reality.
@@mv6740 Thank You so much!
same
I'm dealing with this bird a year later after leaving, she's so bitter, lying to the DA. Over a cellphone, I got probation.....
@@ThousandWordsMediadotcom Understand, they never cared about you. And from the start aimed to hurt you intentionally. But know,your going to grow from it all.....in time. Stay strong
Thank you, in the wake of ending my relationship with my ex, I've struggled to call him an out right narcissist but I simultaneously struggle to understand why he behaved the way he did towards me to the point where I was questioning whether I was in fact the problem. You've really helped me come to terms with the fact that he was in fact narcissistic and he's been working on beating me down over several years until I became unrecognisable to myself.
yikes. I'm afraid of loosing my personality to a scumm y person like this. I don't mean dirty outside.i find myself replying with swear words once he said your so mean. and don't forget it, I said. don't confide in anyone now
No matter what you say, they turn it around and throw it back at you. It’s amazing how often narcissists will label their victim as the narcissist.
Amen
So true
My narcissistic husband says to me” look how you pissed everybody off” when I was venting. Everyone can vent but me.
The problem with attempting to heal and help bring a Narcissist to wholeness is that they first have to admit they are broken, hurting, and recognize their fallen behaviors. They are too terrified to take the risk. Remember the expression which says: To save a drowning man, he must surrender completely. If he fights you, both will drown. It fits here.
If a person's personality pattern is clearly some version of narcissism, then it is futile to try to help and 'heal' them. It will never happen. Everyone else has a problem. Never them.
You can't heal them. They think everyone else is broken. Your only chance is to heal yourself, and you can't do that fully with them.
I heard this one: don’t argue with them. It makes them think you care.
Narcissists can't stand being irrelevant!
i do. if someone else seeks to snuff out my light and take my capacity to care away, nah, i'll keep showing up until they realize my light can't be snuffed out. if they never realize it? their loss, not mine.
@@bennyfrohna7675 why do they need to see you light. that’s validation seeking
@@misanthr0pic no, it's just me meeting my own standards.
If I got "Do you know how difficult you are" I would smile, and say "Yes, and I am damned proud of it!" :-)
His insult means you don't fit into his paradigm, which is actually a compliment.
You bet! @@SurvivingNarcissism
He meant, "Do you know how difficult you are to control?" 😆
I so appreciate the way you put a searchlight on what's really going on. The baiting, the shaming, the justification, the constant criticsms....like an invisible battle field, you never know when the next 'strike' will occur. And.... I love the way you galvanise us to the higher principles of dignified living and peace. Thank you Dr C you make sense of the senseless! 💜💜
You're welcome, Sue! Dr. C
@SUSAN COSGROVE They create drama out of thin air. My dad's one and he just looks at something and shares his "view" on it, even if you don't say anything or do anything that a normal person would never comment on. You could make a sandwich and he'd tell you "why don't you eat this or that" or try to regulate whenever you would eat a snack or get a drink - it should be all up to them to decide when and how you want something.
I'm battling my own demons and having a narcissistic dad hasn't helped me. My dad does help out with things, and it makes you question it sometimes, but it will also "allow" him to crticise how you live and do things in your own home, as if he has shared "ownership" of it because he helped out.
They absolutely hate it when they would appear weak, BUT will use any injury or impairment to make the other party become empathetic to said injuries. They get to live life but YOU will live inside that little box they create through years of criticising and belittling anything you say or do in your life.
@@dan4030 I like the term you used "ownership"!!
. It describes what happened back when polio was around and they needed the "vaccine" to appear like it was responsibe for eradicating the disease. But people had already started changing their habits, herd immunity had already occurred, sewage had already been handled better, etc
so they presented a vaccine at just the right time...& took "ownership "
More illusion.. Just like now 😉
certainly not surprising because we knew that the plan to harm the masses started decades ago🙄😝.. So creating a positive emotional feeling in the body around the word" vaccine" was definitely part of the plan for this time in history with all the evil purposeful drama & discord created 🎭 in order to manipulate masses to get them to trust in their jab 💉
Thanks for the insight 🙏
@@dan4030 p
"You never know when the next 'strike' will occur." Oh, the highs were so high -- and then BAM! you're lying in a muddy ditch.
Terrible when you can't recognize yourself after they have used and abuse you. They are liars of note. ❤️
I've spent the last 16 years trying to make the situation better. Making excuses for him in order to make it easier for me to not react. Lately my emotions and moods have been so chaotic. I didn't know what I was doing wrong yet also wondering why I'm in mental anguish. This video hit every nail right on the head.
The Seven Tricks of the narcissist. From the video.
"Their end game is to wear you down".
1. Bait you into an argument.
2. They insist you have to justify everything about yourself.
3. Shame you for your independent thinking.
4. They try to make you feel responsible for their moods.
5. They offer lame excuses you know aren't true, then they blame you.
6. Intimidate you because of your boundaries.
7. They accuse you of being a narcissist. Classic projection.
"They have to have an adversary. Because they are adversarial to themselves.".
Once the narcissist smears you,its sets like concrete to these people, I made the mistake of trying to reason with people, and defend myself, plus I freaked out badly when the smear happened, which gave them more ammo
Yes! This is exactly what happened to me. I am so sorry. We are all part of a much bigger family here ❤
Me too. 🎉😢 Meeee tooo.
@@Jill-gj3vvThank you!
Found no help. Even more alone than before.
"why do you make me feel guilty", "I will love you as long as you respect and obey me",
"Why do you want so much attention".....when you bring up a concern, they go silent for weeks and ghost you.And when they return its like nothing happened.....
I endured infinite silent treatments, rage, disrespectful branding,....I felt like I was chasing him the whole 8 years..Thank God I'm out now.I never had the courage to walk away,he did and it saved me.
And they think they deserve respect for just existing no matter their behavior!!
@@rosemadder5547 its so exhausting...You feel so lost and you kinda lose yourself..in the end though when you learn the truth,you renew your mind and come out better..
@@rosemadder5547 Yes! "I deserve your respect!" while treating me abominably. Word of advice. Never answer, "Why?" or "So do I" and do not laugh.It does not improve the situation.
@Sim hugs. Heal without reservation.This earth is your space too
I finally told my narcissist, I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. That put a stop to a lot of that nonsense!
Wow you were lucky
@@ferretfriend5458 he just found other was to make my life miserable 🤷🏻♀️
👍👍
@@FreeLife2022 Narcissists are nothing if not resourceful in maintaining their large and fragile egos. There is no problem in saying what needs to be said to put a narcissist in their place or doing what needs to be done to eliminate them from your life, however, it is certainly a problem if they happen to be your employer and your livelihood depends on them.
Good luck!
@@chrisantoniou4366 you are absolutely right! Luckily, my narcissist is now my ex husband. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Narcissistic personalities scare me. I always buy into their bs and end up doubting my own opinions and even my intelligence. It’s gaslighting on an entirely different level.
Watch one of my older videos, Your Ultimate Superpower With Narcissists. It's all about self trust. Time for a paradigm shift!
@lschrandt Doubting your own opinions and intelligence...isn't that painful? Especially after the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, looking down their long nose with shame and dissatisfaction, just as they careen their head up towards the heavens with their self-assured, superior judgement. In watching many of these videos with Doctor C, I have concluded that the only proper response is no response, mind blowing and frustrating as it is. Why can't two grown men in their 50s agree to disagree about something? Because one of them needs to feel superior, is still extremely broken, and ultimately resents someone like me who has the audacity to assert themselves and perhaps think outside of the narcissist's little paradigm. I can 100% "to each their own", but still have my own convictions and opinions. He couldn't. His pollyanna couldn't handle my matter-of-fact. Be careful showing too much of your intelligence around the narcissist. Their "control and contain" work ethic latches on like a steel jawed trap. And then they dismiss you! Of all things!
I recently witnessed mastery in the art of manipulation. I recall being led into an ambush where I unwittingly took the bait and was immediately accused of inflaming the situation. As the drama developed in a silly direction, and one I was confused by, my aware self was filming the sub text and noticed the manipulator controlling the whole scene. Truly shocking to see it in the open.
Ditto. Mean, creepy and astounding when I look back...
This sealed it, Dr. Carter! Now I know it is not my imagination.
No independent ways are allowed in a narc family. Go along with, obey, or you are the eight ball.
A custom made excuse for everything.
Better yet, no excuses are required of the narc, just no admittance or denial, ever.
Any “boundaries” exposed by victim confirms victim is guilty as presumed.
Until victim is left broken down like a car that the narc will give a jump start to.
Complete mental cruelty.
They are vile.
Number 7 is totally on point. My mom constantly points out the people around her have 'psychological problems ' or are Bipolar or depressed if they have differing and smarter views than her. It's actually funny to hear her say this because she's far worse 🤣
My Dad does this. Hasn't done it since I said that I spoke to a psychiatrist. Who told me there is nothing wrong with me. The look on his face. Never seen him stare so hard. They cannot use that on me. My Dad will say you don't have to take certain things personal. Your emotional. I try my most to not be around him. Most of the guys I have been out with have been refered to as Narcassistic like. My Dads behavior to blame aye.
It is called “projecting”
Anyone who loves to argue with you is out of their minds. They want to win at all cost to hurt you. They play dirty
“If they don’t understand me, they didn’t want to understand me in the first place.” Spot on. Stay Blessed! 🙏🏼💖
Exactly!!
💯
It's like Darren Magee says, if you have to explain yourself - even just once - then they know what they're doing is hurting you.
@DivineMojo and they don't want to understand themselves, first. IT starts with self ♥️🫶🏼
Has anyone else had the issue where the Narcissist, always threatens to call someone else and get them to tell you how wrong you are .
Not had that but I've had the nobody else thinks like that, talks about/like that, nobody else does that, other people agree with me, you need to be more understanding, blah blah blah...... my now 80 year old parents did a psychological number on me. Predominantly father blaming, mother shaming. I thought it was me. Now I realise I was heavily conditioned, brain washed to believe everything was somehow my fault. The icing on the cake is my mother now saying I'm indecisive! Yet she is jealous of the things ive done. All the while im battling with illness. If they're threatening to call someone else, id say let them and pack your bags ✌
oh yes! or the "EVERYBODY" thinks this way about you! naming my own family members! close ones, too! i actually took those lies to my loved ones who were so confused by the whole situation anyway & even more so When I asked if they had said these things. Of course they didn't - they couldn't understand why they would say that they did. I never believed anything they said ever again in reference to that sort of thing after that and I felt bad that I bought into it and called people I love dearly (and love me dearly) out on just a bunch of yuck!
it's so hurtful. i'll never be okay no matter how enlightened i have become. never.
Yes, my ex husband of 17 years would call my Mom to tell on me, and if she didn't answer, any if my family and friends were on the call chart.
Flying monkeys
My narc ex husband used to love accusing me of never apologizing when HE did something he needed to apologize for (swearing at me, lying to me, etc). I said "Ok, tell me what I have done that needs an apology" Then he would say "Unlike you, I don't keep score. But since I can forgive YOU without your apologizing, you should do the same for me". Thereby getting away without apologizing to me for his obvious transgression or blackmailing me in to apologizing when I hadn't done anything. He was a master-class narc. My counsellor referred to him as a psychopath.
If I said I wanted an apology or he did something wrong, he needed explicit examples. Then he would accuse ME of keeping score.
Hope you left him !!
My ex did the same! And just like that, they manage to get the conversation away from their wrongdoings and instead attack you while you stand there trying to defend yourself!
So glad he's an Ex for you now! Mine spat, "So what do you want? You want me to FEEL BAD about it?" ... that was one of the final signs that helped me realize he was incapable of self-reflection and authentic remorse, and that I had nothing to work with.
I wasn't asking him to grovel, just to understand how deeply he was constantly hurting me by regularly turning to masturbating to porn for his sexual gratification, while treating me with complete sexual disinterest -- because I was just a housemate and extra paycheck to help him live the facade of a married life to his family & friends.
Once we divorced and I began healing, I remembered the red flag of objectification I'd missed when he'd casually described his cold-blooded, self-centered analysis:
"I said to myself, 'This might be my last chance at happiness'"
.... which explained why as we drove to his sister's house from the jewelry store with my engagement ring on my finger, he kept one hand on the wheel and slapped his right hand down onto my left knee while bellowing, "BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!"
It felt like a knife to my heart and I bit my lip while tears formed, as moments before I'd been filled with love, tenderness, & euphoria.
And I sat debating silently whether to ask him not to cheapen this experience....while my rapidly shrinking, inner warrior screamed at me, "When you get to his sister's, get out of his car, put the ring on his hood, get in YOUR car, and DRIVE AWAY!!!!"
But my Mom's domineering Narc abuse combined with my own Stockholm Syndrome excuse-making of, "Oh, you know how crass he can be sometimes, he doesn't mean any harm!", that my Inner Warrior didn't have a chance....until five year's worth of my sobbing into pillows and suicidal thoughts became greater than my fear of divorce & fear of his rages.
That's how God helped me grow a spine at the age of 45, and brought me back to Jesus and healing, and to a church of godly male leadership that is neither passively emasculated nor Narc ruled, so I feel safe. If I can rebuild my life with the dignity & joy that is our birthright, then anyone can! 😀
EXACTLY
The “shame you for independent thinking” really hit home… “oh well I guess you know everything,” “you just want to control,” or “why does everything have to be your way?” (When in reality you never get your way because they never even consider your thoughts)…
Expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions is not trying to control anyone, it’s being respectful of myself and holding a space for myself while attempting genuine communication and understanding… just so maddening when you try to communicate with these people…
100%! Or the “you just want me all to yourself” and “you never want me to have any friends”, when they literally talking to their friends 24/7 and hang out as much as possible. 🙄
They say all those things about me. They expect me to support their crabs, their mess practices , their insecurities and their discomforts about life as a whole, their fear of the unknown. They hate my independence, my strength and my strong will. They hate everything about me. THEY HATE ME FOR BEING THE CHOSEN ONE. I am , the true child of the Living God and not a fake. They hate my authenticity, for being truthful.
Getting a counselor who understands narcissism is the key to a good counselor
I made the mistake of giving them a taste of their own medicine. All that they did was turn it back to me and acted as if I was the one doing it the entire time. I was accused of being the narcissist.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I wish I heard something like this before wasting my 20 years in a marriage with a narcissist. If you're watching this and your spouse does these to you, do NOT waste your life even one more day and get out. The narcissist NEVER change.
I'm so glad that you got out. I was watching this and thinking about the numerous things that I've lived and how I wish I had help a long time ago.
The issue is when you don't have good health and you have to rely on them. Covid has put many of us in worse situations with our Narcissist partners. 😢
So we should continue to share our feelings, or should we just ignore them when they are manic and trying to start trouble?
Wasted 50 years on my all narc parents and both narc siblings. Its a killer to break free and go no contAct but also liberating. I cant believe I wasted my energy on them. Cancer twice lung clots asthma covid hospitalisation. I am 59 and am finally getting on with my life. But these s***s sucked the lifeblood out of me.
In terms of self-healing from narcissistic abuse I begin from my own relational patterns (wounds, reactions, etc), that are patterned to survive this horrific condition. It’s not “the real me”, which is my core, loving self. It is the “survival self” patterned in the context of an aggressive and impossible relationship. THANK YOU, Dr. Carter - you continue to inspire my deepest healing! ❤
You're quite welcome! Best wishes to you.
Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a little kid who just says “ I know you are but what am I ” to everything. Whether it makes sense or not.
They just want to get that rise.
Seriously.
I found the most useful thing to say to a narcissist is "so what?" My ex would throw criticisms one after another, and he would get more and more annoyed that I wasn't bothered by his words and kept telling him "so what?" It made him look like the problem because I stayed calm and he got more and more agitated.
@@lisainthestudio For me, it was BYE.
It was bye, and not even letting them have a chance to say anything back.
Excellent Analogy😊
Am in horrible situation. I left to another state with him. Listening to this makes my heart smile.
Thank you. Now I have to figure out my exit plan. Sleeping in my own car tonight. Thank God I kept my car.
I left one year ago last month, no contact since. It was 8 years of being on trial, constantly defending myself and my love for him. I'm so fractured and damaged that I've determined to never enter into a relationship again. I'm just focusing on myself and my healing from now on. I'll never allow anyone to hurt me by being vulnerable again. It's not worth it.
I completely agree. Too dangerous
I'm the same way, and I've noticed my narc's first wife has not ever dated or been in a relationship since their divorce.
@juliasmith88
I hear you about not being interested in entering another relationship again. I feel the same way. I am not interested in getting too close to someone in any type of relationship. My father was overprotective and I have a narcissistic brother and sister. After looking back, I have noticed they had narcissistic tendencies from childhood. I was the first person in my family that went to therapy (in my late 20s) because I was so depressed and frustrated. I was ostracized by my father for going to a counselor. I was eventually diagnosed with major depression and started on meds which I took for close to a decade all together. Narcissistic abuse was never mentioned. I felt like I lived in a bubble and wondered why I couldn't be happy like other people. I have lived my whole life with a spirit of fear and anxiety. Still trying to conquer clutter and disorganization that causes my anxiety. On top of that, avoidance causes it to have snowballed. 😞
I have a lot of empathy because of my personal faults, which makes me a prime target for narcissistic abuse. I have learned to set boundaries and don't have expectations of people. Without videos like these, I would have totally crumbled.
To apologize my ex-wife used to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way." That was her way of apologizing which is actually putting the blame not on her but on the other person. I brought this up many times in counseling as not a true apology.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry." Eventually I even stopped getting those. I didn't hear an apology for the 5 years before I left.
My mother use that one me
Yep, that’s my mom and her sisters favorite apology- sorry you feel that way.
That's just a passive aggressive way of saying you're the problem.
Yes!! People who apologize like this are waving a huge red flag. I’m glad I recognize it now!
Being in their presence is uncomfortable, no peace
This is chillingly accurate in every detail. Every time I start feeling guilty about wanting to be free from it, I need to listen to this. I have some mental illness that I take medication for, and every time I get “sassy” the very first thing he jumps to arguing is “you’re not taking your medication” even though I very well am. Every. Single. Time.
Oh god. This. This makes me so riled up. Like yes I take my meds, you’re just setting me off!! 🙄
And if you confront him about it infront of someone else, does he lie and say " I don't say that" and try to twist his or your words to make it out like your crazy or liying?
unreal, exactly me too
@@srblazealot yeah, he even calls my mom sometimes to tell her how messed up I am
Leave, you are worth it
They love twisting things. I remember once I confided in my ex narc about how I grew up in poverty and I mentioned how it caused new feelings of envy and etc and he made a point to say that I was just a jealous and spiteful person because of what others had in front of his family. I was so embarrassed. That's just one example that's just one example of how they can twist things to make you seem like you're the bad guy. And they're really good at it too
Yeah they’re really cruel they use the most horrible things that happened to you and your life to hurt you they’re not even human beings in my estimation you don’t have any empathy for another human beings and you’re not human like aliens
With the narcissist whatever you say will be used against you.
@ Jessica
It's f**king horrible when they do that. You get that sick to your gut feeling of the betrayal.
Just know that you are the one who did nothing wrong. You confided and they betrayed you. They are completely to blame for that.
Narcissists try and get your secrets, your true feelings and then they try and destroy you.
Never feel ashamed of what you might have said, they feed off shame.
Love yourself ♥️ and tell them to f**k off.
Twisting things, then giving them a negative spin, so that they look like heroes for putting up with you. The thing is, it doesnt even have to be any private confidence. They'll use anything. My husband went up to an acquaintance and said, "my wife is a TH-cam expert," made me look like an internet addict... I am 56, and he was talking to someone in my parents' generation. That sort of comment sounds terrible to someone from that generation. Maybe I should have said, I am becoming a narcissism expert to deal with YOU, thank God for TH-cam...
Jessica - they are SO good at humiliating you, embarrassing you, shaming you, devaluing you, showing their contempt & disdain for you.
You just summed up the past 28 years of my life. I am at the totally worn down stage. I love your channel. YOU ARE SO HELPFUL.
I am so relieved to understand what I have been going through for the last 37 years. I don’t understand why he even wants to be married to me still. When I first heard what gaslighting was I cried. I realized that this is what made me feel like I was crazy all this time. I am working on boundaries and would like to leave but have no where to go at this point. I will go one day… hopefully my next job interview will work out.
Yes! I have experienced all of these, from one person! My head is spining constantly, because I just can't wrap my head around the fact that some people could be so calculating and intentionally cruel. Especially someone who claimed to love me.
Right there with you😞
@@marlomirre161 I'm so sorry you're going through this, too!
Stay strong. We deserve much better than this. We matter, and we have places like this channel where we can begin healing 🖤
The best way to get rid of a narcissistic person is to just tell them you forgive them for their arrogance, forget they exist and move on with your life.
I just said this to my therapist the other day - "it almost feels like the last 12 yrs of my life doesn't even exist." Like I never even met this man, married, built a house, went on motorcycle trips, went camping all summer. She said it was my defense mechanism due to trauma of trying to navigate his blaming me for being the problem and turning himself into the victim. She said I'm still in the grieving process as it has only been 5 wks since I moved out even though he announced he was done almost 5 mos ago and still won't complete the divorce process.
Thank you, Dr Carter for validating just how mad my existence was with my ex-husband. I had none of this knowledge then but enough sense to finally say I cannot remain in this relationship any longer for my own sanity. No matter what. This after over 20 years of “trying”. Thank you for shining a huge light!
Right there with you....planning my exit now. It's a challenge because I have a small hobby farm with goats, turkeys, chickens, dogs and cats to also deal with. Thank God for good friends who are willing to come along side and help me escape. It won't be long now...
Yes I was literally at deaths door before I realised.. hey it's not me, it's them 💡
Me too 18 years. Now 2 years Iam out.
He 56 years old is getting married again with a 25 year old.
A new supply
We never knew why my grandma was seemingly so mean and could flip at a switch. The more we look into true clinical narcissism, the more we’ve realized this is why she can’t act like a “normal” human being. She’s 86 and has driven 90% of her family away.
My grandmother the same and my mother and sister and some cousins
False Accusations....Narcissist love to made False Accusations for ruining other people's lives.