Yes, everyday now is a joy of peacefulness . I have no regrets after ending my 15yr marriage. Albeit, it’s sad that it didn’t work, because my whole heart, and life was fully in. However, I just could not keeping denying what my discernment was revealing to me and how he made me feel. I had to go, and now I’m regaining my life and creativity back.
One of the most evil tactics an abuser can employ is not mere sabotage and betrayal. It is to betray and sabotage, then use your natural reaction as an excuse to treat you as a Crazy Person. Anon
This is literally a tactic they use to hurt people, not one bit accidental. I've had this done to me many times, usually in the workplace. Thank the good Lord I'm away from those narcissists now. Some of them were clearly demonic.
Hahaha yes exactly. You see it! So now we know. That is really a often used tactic. But they always get their karma back. They think they can escape Divine Justice , they always think that but the idea that they can get away with it is a lie and even after many backfiring hits of their own throws, they still think they can get away with it. Interesting don't you think so? But I can guarantee you the Divine Justice and Kamic Law exist! So that may be comforting to be aware of. God bless and bless God.
Coverts that I’ve encountered do the following: will purposely be late, will never follow through on a commitment, will not involve themselves in large crowds, total know it alls, always fishing for compliments, very-very fake, no attachment to family, secretive, only sweet to you when they want something, very jealous & envious of others .
Who would be the narcissist here though... A person expecting their birthday be regarded as special...either through gifts, acknowledgement, flowers, a card or a bit of of pampering OR a person refusing to acknowledge a person's birthday in any way. Is the person wanting to be regarded showing that they feel they are 'special' ...... Is the person denying any well wishes to go to the birthday holder the narcissist...refusing to acknowledge any happiness or special treatment to that person being born.
My spouse is a huge covert narcissist and has many of these except he’s never late for things important to him, he loves the attention of crowds because he tries to get compliments, and has a very weird OVER attachment to his parents (even though they live in another country)…. He would choose his parents/ siblings over his wife and kids ANYTIME. He will happily put our kids and me through hell and massive inconvenience / deprioritization for literally anyone not us.
They will eventually stop compliments and start devaluing you, gaslighting, and name-calling. They will never be the ones to end a relationship because they always want to be the "good guy" and pull the victim card.
IF you accidentally injure them too severely, they will end a relationship. BUT they will launch a vicious smear campaign so outsiders think that the "good guy" was so tormented by the victim that the narcissist had no choice but to end the relationship.
I went to counselling to learn about my husband’s behaviour. I put in boundaries and not long after, he left. 12 months later I applied for a divorce and have been free ever since That was over 20 years ago and I’m still free
Wow! This is spot-on. I begged the narcissist in my life to “let me go” and end the relationship. All I got was refusal and more emotional trauma. I walked away (emotionally) and am finally feeling free from the clutches of a very evil person.
yes it drives them insane to see loving exchanges and those between owners and their pets really count - if they had the chance they would destroy your pet if you cross them in a way they find unforgivable - I left an impending dangerous situation and I intuited my cat was at a high level of risk - it was my mission to protect both of us when we left - I knew I could never leave my cat behind because he would probably not live another day
The narcissist in my life is a born-again Christian who has had control over me since I was a young woman. She knows stuff that could be very damaging to my life. She also now has dementia and has become more aggressive. and controlling. I feel trapped with no way out. I also have lost my faith.
@@juliebarks3195 it’s all about control, manipulation, exploitation and domination Julie. They are data collectors. Get to know everything about you so they can use it against you. You can only save yourself. You are your primary responsibility. As much as it might hurt you have to save yourself. Get out. No contact or grey rock. Best of luck Julie ❤️
It gets worse for a narcissist for many reasons, but a few of those reasons are about how everyone the narcissist has abused has left the narcissist behind, and how life is harder for a narcissist as they age. Appearance, health, energy, credibility, etc. all fade so it is in many ways harder for a narcissist to stay in control of everyone and everything. Death is also feared by narcissists as the ultimate loss of control, and some attempt to continue controlling beyond the grave with wills, inheritance who gets what, etc.
@juliebarks3195 God ( Higher Power ) flows within you .Step outside and the divine surrounds you. Find your own truth. I get scared or angry sometimes too. I literally walk away from toxic people.Taking a break can refresh your attitude.
They lie constantly, and when they have spoken about you behind your back, and when caught out, they outright deny it! Lying and lying constantly. I absolutely hate people lying to me on a constant basis.
I worked with an overt, and later discovered a covert too at the same time. I overheard them talking about me, and later told the covert (I didn't know she was at the time) that someone had told me that she had said the things I had heard her say. She got angry at me and told me that whoever told me that was a liar, and I shouldn't believe it. The way that she was so aggressive in accusing an anonymous person of lying was really bizarre. If I hadn't heard it directly, this 'deflect and blame the other person' tactic could have worked - I may have been left wondering which person I could trust. She told me herself that I couldn't trust her.
There used to be a writer on Quora, Veronica Welles, who wrote wonderful, insightful pieces on narcissism. After I commented here, I remembered that she once said (in her opinion) that the defining characteristic of a covert narcissist was “switching off.” I just thought about this and how right she was. Every covert I’ve ever known does this. Let’s say you’re talking, you’ll pour your heart out about something and they’ll look at you, dead silence or give you a one-word response. I have two covert narcissist brothers, and the one you can actually talk to without getting raged at will just switch topics, like hard 90-degree conversation right angles the minute you bring something up that he can’t instantly establish himself as the authorized expert on. These folks are truly maddening pieces of work.
Great comments, you folks ,can make me feel ok, im sorry im on a trip, but i mean to tell ya, thanks for, this great comments community, my Doctor, can give peace of, something that feels ok
Oh yes! The stare, the one word answer. Worse, no comment at all and you say...did you hear what I said.. they say "yes" ...well, you didn't say anything... back comes the instant smug reply ... " you didn't ask a question". I grew to despise him.
"overtime people will reveal themselves, wait, and be patient". The amount of hurt and devastation that happened to me has been something I have never come back from. I still live and have a life but it will never be the same.
They are envious. They triangulate. They are critical. They don’t celebrate you. They will buy you but not apologize. They dismiss you but expect you to show up for them at the drop of a hat. They are jealous unfortunately… When you see the mask fall off - they will put on a mask and do damage control. It is sad. Not loyal friend. But demand loyalty.
Sabotage is the act of destroying or undermining something. It can take two forms - active or passive. Active refers to doing something that causes harm and passive is failing to do something which by its omission causes harm. Covert narcissists sabotage in sneaky ways to gain supply and it can take many years before you become fully aware of their deepseated hatred. In my experience, they prefer passive sabotage because it is less obvious and allows them to maintain their façade of normality. Silence is popular amongst your covert variety, as is withholding affection. Triangulating also works quite well to confuse the victim. It is the gradual removal of human connection that leaves the victim wondering where it all went so horribly wrong.
Years of being confused, thinking it's you. By far this is the worst form of sabotaging someone else's life. Withholding affection when they want and then lavishing it when they want. In my experience they can be as cold as ice one week then hugs and kisses the next. Growing up like that was so confusing as there is no pattern, because it's based on how they're feeling
@@bereal6590this is such an eye opening. Yet, hurtful. It explains the why to me. I have a servant heart. I have always served in my work and my family. I never would of thought that. I am also exhausted and to get energized or feel appreciated by my partner that does not return the actions can be to me very hurtful.
@@sandraohara685 It is EXHAUSTING. Take good care of yourself as the pain and grief it all brings is IMO very depleting. Try to keep yourself as centred as you can else they can throw you completely off balance :)
I have a Narcissist friend and brother and they take absolutely no input! My friend constantly says “ no one can tell me what to do I have already mastered what they said” They make everything they do grandiose and in reality it’s extremely minuscule!
Essentially the passive aggressive covert narcissists just treat you with contempt. Catch their expression when they look at you. You are just so far beneath them.
THIS! I couldn't agree more. When my "friendship" with my former long-distance narc "friend" collapsed, my father asked me one question: "What what the first change in her behaviour?"... well.... I wasn't sure. And he told me: "She didn't want to video call you anymore and switched to texting. Very comfy for her, you couldn't see her facial expressions anymore. I guess if you could watch her facial expressions, you'd see the truth - insincerity, contempt and lack of emotional investment."
My brain almost exploded. My narc inlaws were asking what was my daughter watching on tv. We told them and all they said was "oh". Absolutely no follow up questions. They aren't even interested in their own grandkids. Also me and my husband did some cosmetic renos on the house. They absolutely paid it no affention. When you said they withhold compliments they absolutely do. They are so energy depleting.
"Absolutely no follow up questions." As a writer and observer of humanity, I often find myself coming up with some interesting philosophical conclusions about people. One of them was, "You can choose who you marry-- but not who you fall in love with." I'd expect any "normal" person to have some kind of reaction to that. About a month before getting booted by my TWO narcissistic home care clients (who I'd been with for over 4 YEARS), they were engaging in a discussion about relationships, and I felt it was a good time to finally toss that out. ZERO response. NOTHING!! Looking back on that moment, I find myself thinking, even if I hadn't already come to the definite conclusion they were both narcissists, I'm pretty sure I would have sensed that SOMETHING was terribly wrong. (They're both gay, but just the other day, I actually had to EXPLAIN to someone else I know, that "gay" and "narcissist" are two COMPLETELY-UNRELATED things. There are an AWFUL lot of "straight" people who are narcissists. It's shocking some people don't understand that.)
@@mrsmucha same here … they made a big deal about my baby shower .. and refused to see the baby … that showed me right there how my husband became a narc .😵💫
Wow, 53 years of vacations by his choice, meals to his liking, cars always chosen by him, temperature in the house his choice, rules on what the savings in the bank is for, carports only for my boat and lawnmower and you can put your wheelbarrow here, on and on it goes. I now take CBD oil and lavender oil to calm my nerves because controlling words are as abusive as physical contact!!
I spent 23 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist. The problem is, I had no idea what a covert narcissist was until after the breakup. I was too busy to notice the passive-aggressive behavior, busy with work, a child, and family responsibilities. I was also way too trusting. We started arguing a lot over nothing, so I made a decision not to argue about anything. You'd think that would improve a relationship. Instead, he left because it broke the push-pull cycle and he was no longer getting supply.
Same here Judy.I had no idea what a covert was until shortly before I kicked her out she was leaving anyway I had to expedite it or I would of stroked out by now, sad thing is she was my high school lover,fast forward 45 years and wow did she change,I never have so abused. Shes been gone since Oct 1 and iam still in dis belief.stay well all.
My ex kept saying how others betrayed him, and I was wondering why he was doing the same to me, and as well, accusing me of betraying him when I continuously supported him in any ways possible. I realize deceit and betrayal is the language of their world, which I don't belong.
Had a similar experience with my ex. Said everyone except 2 people had let her down in her life. She failed to mention all the times she's let people down with her lies and cheating though. Actually living in a dream 🌎 😅
Check all those boxes. HERE'S ANOTHER ONE: He quietly sabotaged/broke personal things of mine & things around the house: Broke the only car key to my classic car in half and "lost" the broken off part. It ended up costing me over $600. as I had to order a new ignition cylinder and have it installed. He also refused to put plumbing glue on a repair he insisted doing and the pipe slowly leaked under the cabinet. By the time I discovered it the cabinet was permanently damaged. I could go on...and on...I thought they were just honest mistakes but looking back - WOW.😮
Before I kicked her to the curb, my narc "friend" loved to jerk me around with her drama ploys. She would hint at something being horribly wrong with her (a terminal illness) but when I tried to offer her comfort, she wouldn't even give me the full story. She enjoyed watching me dangle in the wind. I discarded her 2 months ago. No telling what lies she's been spreading about me. Who cares.
For the past two years, I discovered that a "Friend" who I am pretty sure is a covert narcissist. However she likes to cut other people off and dominate the conversation to the point that you can't get a word in edgewise. When I told her that "I see you and can't trust you" she openly admitted that she wanted to brag about her family being successful while I happened to be struggling. Meanwhile she happened to ignore what I was facing and has not taking any responsbility. Instead she is more concerned that she ruined one day in my life while she happened to start sulking when I said things that she didn't like.
This actually reminds me of very early playground days at primary school or earlier. Like, "You're my bestest friend EVER!" Then another playmate."Do you know what she's just said about you?" 🙄
That's probably why I never really liked groups from childhood on like cliques, which were so populair in my generation when I was a child. When children come together it is often about idealization and devaluation. They are constantly comparing each other. And in a group setting it is even worse because they feel so strong alltogether and then they will pick a scapegoat to feel even stronger and the scapegoat will feel weak and confused. - You can find this dynamic everywhere, in families, politics etc. Amanda, how is your tooth doing?🤔 Still inside or around your neck on a necklace with peace in your mouth?😉 Sending you many regards and refreshing thoughts 💗 🤗
Yeah. This was in my school days. Only the adults in my home life didn't behave much better 🙄 That particular tooth is behaving thanks. But the veneer on my front tooth broke. I get the replacement next week 👍 Thanks for all your kinds thoughts and wishes. They are of course reciprocated 🤗🎉💖
@@amandaliverpool3374 The one tooth gets better and now another broke 😏 I am sorry to hear about your "battlefield" but glad that you don't have to wait for another months to be repaired 👍 I think it's quite normal that children are comparing each other to understand themselves better, their differences etc. but when the family at home itself is "messy", it is a breeding ground for getting stuck in growth, which then can lead to many dysfunctions in life. Thank you, Amanda 💗🎉🤗
A narcissist will suddenly gaslight with questions that are out of context. A question that makes no logical sense which is insulting to some degree. That is an intended subversive game of manipulative control.
My aunt nearly constantly complains to me about other people. Several people told me that she complained about me (behind my back) to them. When I told my aunt about that, she immediately proclaimed them liars, even though she has been caught lying many times herself. Crazy stuff.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes. By the way, when she promises something, better forget about it. She has not kept any promise to people since her childhood. I am not sure how she even managed to be tolerated by people she interacted with while she was working, such as with colleagues at work, and managed to get paid, and eventually retired? I wonder how uncooperative people even get anything done at their job, and get through to the retirement.
@@tombuddy100 they make a beeline for management and strut their facade of honest, diligent, integrity like peacock feathers to create a good impression, then slowly begin to undermine all of their co-workers as lazy, crazy, dishonest. Thanks to the good first impression followed up with the criticisms disguised as concerned loyalty, they will never be suspected. They're not the problem, everyone else is.
@@tombuddy100hmmm narcissists are like a cult - maybe she's the scapegoat. You don't know anything real about your aunt because you didn't live with her since childhood. All you heard about her is stories you learned. You have to question EVERY source. Not those you think is trustworthy because of relations. The enemies often disguise as trustworthy friends to make you do their biddings. Most important is to consider your own source. What you got is limited information only from places you can't verify whether true or not. Be careful and don't be so firm about the judgement because i know first hand i was the caretaker of the family but the cult would all tell the stories upside down and to the point where i suffer profound ptsd that i can't keep my promises because of self-sabotage and chronic health issues that would come up whenever triggered and the triggers are plenty depending on the experiences one has been through. Now i start to wonder when my mother talked about my aunts, she could actually be the one lying, but the entire time when I didn't know better, i thought she was telling the truth. I was used as flying monkey in that sense. I was the scapegoat who woke up from the cult eventually and they still lie about me to this date because of constant gossip and reinforcing the lies with each other. Maybe your aunt was what you said she was, or maybe she's just the abused scapegoat/blacksheep of the narc cult that lie so much that there is no limits to more lies they could make up just to make the scapegoat look bad. Just saying. Had to write about this because i now ascended to become an aunt and despite i took care of my nephews, now they have brainwashed them to think of me as less than them also. Everyone lives by the lies because then someone is the problem, not themselves. You never know what people can become when they have more power than when they were vulnerable. They all forgot me, the only one who cared for them for all the many years. All they would say is lies now, scapegoating doesn't stop at the original cult, anyone can become an enemy even the underdogs one saved. It's extremely disheartening.
This is absolutely spot on. I was duped for a total of seven years. Seven years of my life thinking that maybe something would change. I knew something was wrong all along, but chose to ignore it. The lying by omission, and the not wanting to talk about Problems or our relationship should have been my red flag to get out. For those experiencing this don’t waste years like I did.
Snap! I just recently experienced the final rejection by slow fade after 7 years of an on/off situationship with an old flame. Ironically I lost the same amount of years to her 25 years ago when we were teens, but it was only towards the end of the second wave that I was able to make the necessary discoveries about attachment styles and personality disorders. An event that occurred right at the very beginning of our first relationship prefixed a very unhealthy dynamic thanks to the way she manipulated me and the situation at the time. I suffered a nervous breakdown because of the gaslighting, but this was the catalyst that altered my outlook and made me start reviewing things and questioning things in an entirely different way and thus led to me making some very important discoveries. From there I began to soak up information and as a result I was starting to figure her out and I was finding ways to counteract some of the effects of her abusive tactics. After 6 months of slow fading I confronted her and she took the opportunity to suddenly end the relationship. She also made a surprise admission which related to the event 25 years before which I had always believed myself to be responsible for, and spent many years trying to repair damage, and earn forgiveness for. This coaxed me into a codependent state and the belief that she was honest and innocent, and that I had betrayed her trust and acted immorally. It's impossible to suspect a partner of lying and cheating when you carry this false belief. I don't know about you but I can go from feelings of positivity and passiveness (like I am bigger than this) to feelings of hurt and shame, followed by anger and wanting to break her emotionally. The idea that revenge should take the form of walking away and having a successful happy life doesn't offer the slightest gratification. If you become a success and the narc isn't around to see it, does it really work? It feels like gratification only occurs when they decide to reach out to you again some day and you get to reject them to their face. I went more than 10 years with no contact, and reinvented myself, healed and started to make something of myself. She put the feelers out a couple of times a few years earlier but then reached out and lovebombed like crazy . I suspect she will reach out again in another 10 years time. Giving up her 25 year secret that had given her such false empowerment for so long I guess she thought she'd had enough use out of it. Or maybe she figured it would no longer help her since I had pretty much sussed out what she was. Who knows! I hope your 7 years weren't as destructive. They should really teach us these things at school.
Some of the best advise that I have ever heard regarding relationships was offered at min 12:02 of this video. I was married for 33 years and spent 4 1/5 years involved in a divorce. It all happened so quickly in the beginning, we were engaged and married within months of our first date. I was so young and did not really know the person that I ended up married to for over half of my life. If I had taken the time to truly get to know him, much of what has caused me so much grief and despair could have possibly been avoided. It is no coincidence that they move in quickly in the beginning sweeping you off your feet. Time tells all and they know that they must make their move before their true self is revealed. Lies by omission was a favorite tactic of my husband. I am still discovering, almost 40 years later, things that he kept undercover. He was hiding so much. It makes me so so very sad.
I also did 33yrs, have been out 5. Now I have days where I remember events I had completely forgotten about!! I think about them differently now and I'm like Omg!! I think that's what actually happened!! I was in such just survivor mode trying to work and raise kids! Now I'm thinking, that x I wanted to take kids to Disneyland and couldn't! I didn't misplace debit card he probably took it. I never lost those things and of course it was all 😢my fault. Or that x both my new front tires went flat? Omg so many things I'm recalling now I don't know what I lived exactly like you said! More than half of my life!!
@@staceypritchett7770 There is just so much to unravel. I still can't make sense of most of what happened. Just when I thought that I had things pretty sorted out in my head, something else presents itself. I simply do not want to discover anymore of his deception. I am tired of him taking up so much space in my life. I have not seen or spoken to him in almost 5 years and it's as if he is still around. He left so many loose ends that I feel as if I will be cleaning up the mess forever!
You are not alone! I'm a survivor of a similar experience. One tactic that he used was the "surprise" morphing into "ambush" . The surprises ( florist deliveries, for example) were nice , then morphed ( after he married me) into difficult ambush situations. Another pattern to be aware of, for self-protection.
@@staceypritchett7770 SAME here!!! 20 years apart, and I am STILL having 💡🤯 moments, and revelations about what he was doing during, and after the marriage. And, remembering things that put the pieces together.
The narc friend actually sabotaged my work .She spoke behind my back about personal information I told her .She was determined to get me fired from my job .
1. They will make fun of you in front of people you love and admire or respect and appreciate or all the above and somehow successfully convince those people they (the narcissist) was “just joking.” 2. They will talk about you behind your back and if ever found out, they will play the “I didn’t mean it that way” card so that whomever they were talking to about you completely believes them that “they didn’t mean it that way.” 3. They will convince you that you that your crazy for remembering exact details of a particular matter so that they can weasel their way out of having to take responsibility for whatever the matter happened to be. 4. They will ignore you completely and then ten minutes later play the “I didn’t hear you” game (even tho they were standing right next to you and there was no way whatever it was to be heard could not be heard.) 5. They will promise this and that and never follow through- most likely because you (they will claim) somehow kept them from keeping their promises. 6. They will open doors for you just to literally walk right in front of you as you attempt to walk through the open door they’re holding while previously motioning you through and then act like you somehow got in their way AND THEN act like they don’t understand why you didn’t walk through the door they were holding for you. 7. They will point at something that is just beyond your vision while “bumping” you in the face just so they can say “it was an accident.” 8. They will fall asleep while driving and when you wake them up and insist on driving for them, they will act SO hurt and offended and they will refuse to pull over so that ten miles down the road you will have to wake them up while falling asleep at the wheel again. 9. They will have SO MANY “good reasons” for the disrespectful and inappropriate things they do both to you as well as do in general so that what they do still ends up effecting you, that you have no other option but to believe them (at first) and other people will think you are the most inconsiderate person for not believing said excuses that it makes talking about you behind your back so easy it just becomes their go-to conversations. (And of course they will claim they NEVER talk about you.) 10. They will say they’re sorry “for everything” so that they never have to apologize for anything in particular and then treat you as tho you’re being ridiculous when you tell them you don’t accept their apology because it’s an incomplete apology. They will convince people outside looking in that they (the narcissist) have “apologized for everything” so that that phrase (“apologized for everything”) sounds perfectly acceptable and complete and the other people will think “how horrible of you” that you won’t get over something the narcissist clearly apologized for (but actually never once even remotely acknowledged because of the umbrella apologies of “I apologized for ‘everything.’”) I finally figured it out but wow the covert is so good at betrayal that it’s as tho they can’t help themselves… even THAT is 100% not true but somehow it’s also 100% how it seems. They are THAT good at what they do. Eventually if you don’t learn to embrace the cliche phrase of “fool me once…” you will always and forever be the narcissist’s fool. Be YOU. Even if you have to shed a few pounds (aka people) to be who YOU choose to be! It’s not easy. But goodness, is being with them any easier? No. The ultimate betrayal of the covert (whether it be the covert person OR group of persons) is they will convince you you should be who THEY SAY you should be. They will use your morals and your values and even your scruples against you so that you will think they have the same morals, values, and scruples as you. And when you are so sure you believe the same things, want the same things, care for the same things, they will lay down their mask of pretender in a way that convinces you you’re not who you thought YOU were and they act as tho they “don’t know where all of your objection to their behavior is coming from” so that you yourself will do anything (or just about anything) to convince them you are who you say you are but it won’t matter by then. By then you’re basically being exactly who they want you to be… a confused individual who is dead inside and easily manipulated. Wake up! Be YOU! Light and love, Team Healthy! DrC, my store grand opening was incredible! I didn’t think my tiny store could hold so many folks haha! I still have so much to learn but I’m having so much fun (sore feet and all) figuring it out without having to babysit narcissistic people along the way! I hope you had a great Labor Day!!!
Kelly...You have soooo many good things to say here. Thanks for all the food for thought. I'm not at all surprised at the store's success...but I'm incredibly pleased on your behalf that you stepped out and followed your heart. I'm so encouraged for you!!
which dampens your trust in those people you admire, respect, care about, since it clearly shows they dont really dial into you, or SEE YOU, or the pain in your eyes, in my experience anyway :/
I cut off a 5 year situation last weekend with a Narc. He got caught on the phone by a hidden phone I set up so I could just bust him and not feel bad about leaving over things I “thought” was going on but had no real proof. Well I got my proof… never told him HOW I caught him though and he STILL lied. Then he turned around and KINDA told the truth but I heard it all. My chance had finally come to break away clearly without being the bad one. The next day he had a car accident (memorial day) and keep texting me acting like it was something serious…I broke because my car is in his name and my decals run out soon so I had to be “nice” because I had got my evidence so what could it hurt. So I finally called to act like I cared… in the middle of it all he asked if we where still done and you know my answer. He didn’t get upset so I thought I was good until he texted later asking if I take him to work since his car was totaled out in the accident. Now mind you he NEVER apologized for being caught on phone with a ex so I was respectful but said I’d rather not and asked if he could at least respect my feelings in the situation and that’s all I needed…did need a apology or anything. He Blocked me and claimed that he’d still send car decals in the mail. Mind you this man shot me in the leg a year ago. They will ruin your life and have you thinking you’re crazy. STAY AWAY AT ALL COST…JUST RUN.
Dr. C and Team Healthy, I hope you are all doing well. I think the saddest reality is that the betrayal began from day one, and it took many of us years, and in my case, decades, to realize it. Betrayal in every aspect actually. I woke up to the psychological and emotional abuse first, and decided to end the marriage. All I've come across since is the realization that there was not only that type of abuse, but physical betrayals, professional betrayals, family betrayals, etc. It's shocking what happens when the "scales" fall away and you can see it all for what it is. The Lord was waiting for me to come back to Him, and He put people like Dr. C and Team Healthy in my life, to help me through the rest of my journey. Thank you and God Bless You. ❤
Yes, it is shocking. Over 20 years apart from the X, and STILL having revelations about what happened, and what he was doing, during, and after! 🤯💡💡💡. So GRATEFUL to be free from him!
God does provide for us. Education is so helpful. I, like you, just had no clue. Being armed with information has helped see and not be taken in going forward. Now, if only I could untangle a lifetime of family narcissists.
“The Scales FALL AWAY …!” Fact Check - So Accurate, it hurts! 🎯👍🏻🙏🏻 Just realized this about my brother who has gaslit me for 50 Years! I’m not sure what hurts more - the betrayal or my naive, willing complicity in it?!?!😳
When they congratulate your son for an accomplishment with their lips, but their face is in disgust and pain. Its a cut to the heart AND a blessing because now I understand what is going on. It finally “clicked”.
@@amandaliverpool3374 that's why I won't have phone conversations with them, you can't read the face of somebody on a phone but you can sometimes tell from the tone of voice that they are secretly happy when saying something nasty.
Someone that pretends. that is someone who you cannot figure out who they are. they change so often. I can't stand this kind of person having flaws makes us human. this person is trying to be someone they're not
Narcissists are experts at betrayal because they learned it in their childhood. The use of betrayal as a tool to threaten and coerce is all they know. There is little else more disturbing than an adult whose personality is still that of a child. Hence, there is the private child side of the narcissist and the adult-pleasing public side.
I think most childhood learning is copying the way parents (or a fav. parent) acts. My x-wife became increasingly mean, hateful, uncooperative, no matter how hard I tried to communicate kindly, spend time w/her etc. I was making gradual progress @ forgiveness & love for myself, when boom! The x-father in law whom I loved as a friend, sends me a DEATH THREAT TEXT. He accused me of being abusive like he is to his wife. I hadn't interacted w/ any of their awful family, nor my X.wife in 5-7 months. All this drama, worry, & hate for her betrayal . . re-emerged. Yup, she learned it from her parents. 😥
@@sandraohara685Often it is modeled for them by a parent. There may be an abusive situation in the home that encourages it. Some studies are saying it may also be genetic.
Honestly I got gaslit and abused to the point of severe dissociation I had to turn off and hide from the part of me that saw what was happening or felt like it was wrong
Betrayal destroys trust ... And forgiving the narcissist in my life was easy, but the trust was completely gone -- plus, there was zero change coming from my mother-in-law. So to preserve my inner peace and mental health I chose to go no contact with her. Forgiveness & Trust are two separate issues.
@@Greenawareness188 You're welcome .... and I was under a lot of pressure from my church family to forgive this person; but many good hearted friends at church simply didn't understand the difference between forgiveness & trust :)
A narcissist knows those whom they can hurt with just a look or a few words. That fact along with their lack of empathy in action (recognition of their responsibility for hurting another and true heart repentance), cause me to chose to avoid contact or very limited contact, even within family of God. I pray about this because it is truly shameful. How can we fulfill scripture of others seeing the love of Christ Jesus through our love shown to our brothers and sisters in Christ with me trying to keep from repeat/new wounds.
I try pointing out, i am wounded. I am hurting. To Husband, you do this and this. You dont hear me. You treat me like you dont need me, but expect me to do as much as possible for you. He again doesnt hear me. I am angered, i suppress. I feel used, i brush it aside. I speak i forgive him. But unknown to me, a root had started way back. I closet hate this one, my husband. I need help. I dont want to hate him. I dont want to be bitter, dispising, critical, avoiding, uncaring of him. His years of disrespect to my face and usery along with his unhearing ear added to the strength of this root. He uses my honesty against me, to reflect i have the problem. If i would just obey Gods word, we wouldn't have a relationship problem. Sadly, how can any relationship mend when one doesnt think they have an issue to work on?
This is just so perfectly descriptive!! I wish I knew what a female covert narcissist was long ago!! Never apologize, don't care, can easily dismiss and betray you! Talk behind your back, eager to crush you.
Interesting “they’re data gatherers” that is so true. If they do apologize they then tell you what you did wrong to cause them to do act the way they did. Then they tell you that you owe them an apology!!! Don’t react, keep silent - their rage will build - it’s time for you to exit. Love your videos Dr. C thank you.
My ex-friend narcissist once accidentally said outloud, "I'm so lonely." She sounded like a small child. I believe it is the only truth she has ever spoken.
@anneprocopio8519 I'm guessing that somewhere down deep in their inner child psyche, they feel lonely, but they can't grasp the cause of the loniless. They don't understand the reason nobody wants to be around them. BECAUSE THEY CAN'T ADMIT THEY'RE JERKS!
I gave the benefit of doubt when we first met. 2.5 years later, I know for sure what I’m dealing with. Manipulation, victim, blaming, ghosting, etc. I am freeing myself. Although it’s been difficult to cut away, my life is so much better!
This described my husband of 29 yrs. He’s absolutely a passive aggressive covert narcissist. It’s so hard to stay with him. We’ve had a very difficult 29 yrs. 😢
OMG - my neighbor - she has temper tantrums in the parking lot and drags as many people into it as she can - then a day or 2 later behaves as tho nothing ever happened. I really detest these people. I guess someone has been showng my mother what I have to say about her and the rest of the fam damily - in her weekly letter last week she writes "all i can say is that I love you." an apology would never cross her mind. there's too much to apologize for anyway.
Compliments. Thank yous. Apologies. Sympathy. These are 4 things I never, ever get from covert narci husband! The only promises I get are broken ones... I told him "Promises made. Promises broken" is what I'll put on his tombstone. It's his legacy!
PERFECT TIMING of this one again for me as im working out what their latest game is. They're not remotely interested in WHO you are , what you're about, what you like, dislike. You become what THEY want and think you're choosing for yourself. You aren't, but you end up loosing who you are to fit their mould to get their attention, miniscule validations. It makes any relationship hollow and a feeling of not being seen and trying to always please them so they'll smile your way. You're tuning into them, they're not tuning into you. Conversations don't ever seem to bring clarity or true closeness on a deeper level
These folks also betray their own health and wellbeing. These behaviors never end up with good outcomes ... for the targets or themselves. God help us all. Thanks, Dr. Carter ...
I broke up with my narcissist 4 days ago. It's been a very hurtful process but it's best. They never fought or called or texted once I broke up. Surprising giving everything I've read. Very happy that it didn't come to that. Will be better equipped for the future.
I had the two worst narcisstic parents . My mother would talk to me and ask me questions and anything positive she would just say Oh or ok . She never cared about my life but always acted like she did. My sisters are just like her and all betrayed me . Me being the youngest I been put down and always the scapegoat
When my mother asked me questions, she was not interested in my answers. She was probing for new information, almost as if using me as a source of gossip.
I am sorry you are the scapegoat stevec3892. I am too in my family (I am the oldest offspring). It's awful. Patrick Teahan (psychologist on TH-cam) says scapegoating is something that is unforgiveable. I agree on every level.
I completely understand that, but it's not just the youngest. I'm the oldest and was the scapegoat. I finally grew up and went no contact with my narc parents.
Yeah-dismissive towards my lifestyle, interests, passions, and friends. I made consistent and heartfelt efforts to get to know the people in her life. Why? Simply because they were part of her life! For some reason, there was a reluctance to meet with my friends, and I hardly noticed it-or recognized it for what it was: judgment and rejection.
The narc saying sorry - almost never happens and if it does.. very reluctantly and with obvious condescension, that I shouldn’t be expecting an apology in the first place, and that my mindset that would even think of holding him accountable is the problem - not his action. A real talent to gaslight while apologizing.
Covert Narcissists want to give you the impression that they can do healthy relationships when in fact they are master manipulators. Over time their micro betrayals will pile up and you will recognize unhealthy patterns and trends. Subtle ways of covert betrayal: 1. Creating false positive regard up front 2. Seeming to be loyal, yet not living up to it 3. Critisism under the guise of concern 4. They will lie by omission, Appearing to be virtous, but... 5. Reluctant/unwilling to give you compliments 6. They don't give good apologies 7. Dismissive regarding your intrests 8. Increasingly critical to others, and you will be next 9. Fishing for compliments, yet giving you few 10. Consistently unwilling to receive input Be aware: > Covert Narcissism is built upon passive aggressive anger > They want to control with the least vulnerability > They have many double standards > They'd rather invalidate than understand > They must appear above you Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
So true. Their micro betrayals piled up 🎯 The reason I overlooked it is that it seemed subtle at first. Thank you for making the checklist of covert betrayal ✔
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yeah, now I am coming through. This list of yours is really a tough one and in the aftermath I can recognize every single point yöu mention. Thanks to you, Dr Carter!
@@yukio_saito Yes, it was so subtle and because he was pulling me in so very quickly into a very fast dimension, I was not able to think clearly, aside from gaslighting. And then I went totally confused by the gaslighting! You are welcome, as always, Yukio 🙏
This is really spot on and helpful. It took me YEARS to recognize the covert narcissist in my life after years of betrayal. I really believed they were a good person despite it all. Dr. C has some of the best videos on covert narcissism and has really helped me understand what happened to me. Please keep doing the good work. ❤
One of the hardest parts of recovery is forgiving yourself that you didn't see "it" from the beginning, especially when it's all so very glaringly obvious years later! 😢
Yes I’ve been educated so much about my narc husband of 43 years by Dr.C and things that were said to me and manipulate behaviour and gaslighting were alien words to me. I’ve learned and am paying attention to all the videos . Time for me to ditch the narc.
When things don't go the way they wanted to, they implode instead of learning from the experience and adapting and evolving. You have the ability to disconnect from them so their rage and frustration don't effect you. That is your boundary📴 to disconnect.
Sounds like she was giving a tiny dig there. Mine said I think too much. If she had, had forethought my life and her life would have been better. Instead she would rather do a put down. She also likes to 'think' for me!
Mine and my siblings constantly tell me " you are not like the rest of the family"....I worked for 14 yrs on he road then moved to SW to be away from them...
This is a clear blueprint from Dr. C. He's always spot on with his expertise & analysis. As he went through the list, I am sitting here like, "yep, yep, yep, yep". From my experience dealing with a covert narc co-worker, please realize nothing you say or do can change them, or their behavior. Consider setting up clear boundaries, or even going no contact if possible.
Just reading comments, I'm struck by the swath of destruction these people leave in there wake. How many lives one person impacts as they keep moving on their own life path. We always have the choice what to leave as our legacy yet this is what they choose. I for one know I can do better, I can choose to leave happiness, joy, love, and respect for others. Namaste
#8. Oh, man ... once that starts, anyone with experience knows the feeling of waiting for that myopic darkhouse beam to fall your way. for sanity, I've learned to go into "RockLight"mode. Stand firm in silent truth.
I just realized what I thought was my bestfriend is definitely not. She lives 5 hours away and when we make plans for me to come visit the past 3 times she has bailed on me I have already taken time off and rearranged my schedule etc so the last time she pulled this was Labor day weekend. I finally confronted her and she said I was selfish and did not understand and that my feelings did not matter. It hurt but I will pick myself up and learn from this experience and know what to accept and not accept from people from thus point on. Thank you for all you're helpful videos Dr. Carter
OH I HOPE YOU READ MY COMMENT Good morning, and I just came across your videos yesterday. WOW… I need to tell you, that you are amazing at how you present all of this. I have never seen such an amazing way. I love the fact that you show and teach the etiquette so a person doesn’t become like the narcissist. Many leave this out and this is so awesome and amazing! God bless you. I spent yesterday just watching a lot of your videos. From JANESVILLE, WI
Welcome Cynthia, and I couldn't agree with you more. Dr. C is the best, and you'll soon see that no matter how many hundreds of thousands of people tell him that, he remains humble, consistent, and full of empathy and compassion for this community. Truly a gift from God. God Bless You Cynthia.
You have described EXACTLY what I went through. Not knowing narcissists existed, wondering what I was doing wrong, silent treatment for months, criticism, belittling and eventually depressing me to the point I asked God to take my life. When their verbal and emotional abuse became physical, it was a blessing in disguise because he slipped up in front of others and the police were called. I was able to get...him...out. The lights began to come on, the clouds lifted, and I never looked back. I hurt a lot but I learned a lot. After years of therapy, exercise, and self care, I've put myself together again. A tiny piece of me still feels broken, and I hear his condescending voice in my head at times, but I'm proud of myself and victory over that bad period of my life. That person is more miserable than ever, even 20 years later. Thank God for people like you with the wisdom, care, and ability to share all you know about narcissists and how to survive them. Thank you.
And you have described almost exactly what I have been through, and still am, except he hasn’t been physical with me, and I always thought if only he was, just once, and that would be it, I’d have him by the short and curlies!! I’m not downplaying the severity of physical abuse btw, but 30 years of this invisible covert narcissistic abuse has taken its toll and I’m sick of the enablers and those who he has manipulated so he can play the victim card 😢
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes): 0:55 In healthy personalities, there are so many characteristics that come to the forefront and would stay consistent. Healthy individuals are honest. You don't have to worry if they are messing with you or playing you. Healthy people reliable, approachable, available, conscientious (they make decisions with the good of the group in mind). They have courtesy. They are authentic. What you see is what you get. They are tuned in to you. And other characteristics, too. 1:30 Narcissists want to have the appearance of being healthy, especially the covert narcissist. "I don't really want to be all that, but I want you to think that I'm that way." They can give you appearances that make you think they are on your team, when in fact, beneath the surface, they are driven by their own selfishness and scheming and haughty attitude and simmering frustration, etc. They simply don't want you to see it. 2:10 Narcissists look toward you for narcissistic supply. They want you to prop up whatever desires they have. Over time you will see certain patterns and trends that will tip you off that you are dealing with a schemer. Here are 10 of the most common ways that a covert narcissist will betray you and illustrate that they are strictly into themselves. 3:00 ONE - They will create a false positive regard up front. They are already playing you, you just don't know it. They appear friendly and want to know things about you. Part of the betrayal aspect is that this is data gathering. The more they know about you, the more they can work their schemes. 3:55 TWO - They can start out as seeming to be loyal, but over the long haul, they don't live up to the hype. Loyalty goes one way, and it's not from them towards you. They can seem to be interested and to want to connect, but then it's like, "I thought we were tuned into each other. I thought that you really cared about me." Over time, that sense of loyalty from them fades, yet they want you to be available and loyal to them. The shine wears off quickly. 4:45 THREE - Criticisms regarding you will begin creeping into conversations. Often criticisms come under the guise of concern. "I don't think this is the best thing for you." (MY NOTE: How devious this is, to insult and belittle someone while trying to come off as a loving person.) They whittle away at your sense of resolve, or your interests, or your preferences. 5:25 FOUR - They can lie by omission. Over time, you begin realizing that there are significant things that they didn't tell you about. They can appear to be virtuous, but then you learn that behind the scenes there are a lot of hidden things. They may appear to be super-moral, but when they are with a different crowd, they are like a chameleon that shifts colors. They don't tell you about it, but over time you discover that there are certain things there that they didn't let you know up front. 6:15 FIVE - They eventually become reluctant to compliment you. The might start out pleasant and friendly, but over time that fades. Sometimes they can just brush you off. Over time, they are reluctant to tune into you, to uplift you, to be a positive presence with you. 6:45 SIX - They don't give good apologies. In their mind, they are thinking, "I don't really owe you an apology." You realize they don't take responsibility for their flaws. In doing so, they betray the relationship with you. 7:25 SEVEN - They are dismissive in general with regard to things that you like and things that you do. If you bring up something of interest to you, they may look at you blankly and say, "Okay." They let it be known, "I'm not tuned into that. I don't care about that." (MY NOTE: Claire somehow trying to pull off being 'nice' but also dismissive at the same time, obviously implying that the fault lies with you being 'too insignificant'.) They don't ask follow-up questions. They don't seem to want to know why you feel or perceive things the way that you do. They have this passive resistance. 8:10 EIGHT - Increasingly, you will notice how they criticize other people, and you're next. They 'other' people. People are either in the group or not in the group. They have an attitude of exclusivity. What are they saying about you behind your back? Part of the betrayal is that they have this criticism in general, and you realize that you are part of the 'in general'. 8:55 NINE - They will fish for compliments, even as they offer you few. "Hey, something really great happened to me today." They want you to regale them. "Don't you like the way I handled this?!" "I won this award. I don't want anyone to know about it, but it was a pretty big deal." Of course, they do want everybody to know about it. They are hungry for positive affirmation, even as they tend not to give it. In doing so, they are letting you know it's all about them, although they won't say that. 9:40 TEN - The are consistently unwilling to receive input. They are so full of themselves that they can't stand the thought that you wouldn't think that way too. So when you come along with something you want them to know or with a problem, it's like, "I don't want to hear about. Quit trying to control me." or "That's not what happened. Let me tell you what happened." 10:20 There are these micro-betrayals. As they pile up, you know that you are dealing with a covert narcissist. 10:35 Covert narcissism is built upon passive-aggressive anger. They carry a lot of frustration on the inside, with you or with the world. When you don't cater to them, it really bothers them. 10:50 Covert narcissists want to feel like they are in control, but with the least amount of vulnerability. They don't want to show their cards and let their thoughts and real intentions be known. 11:00 They have many double standards. They would rather invalidate and argue than try to understand you. They have an incessant need to be above you. It's part of their fear of being vulnerable. They like making you vulnerable, so it takes the attention off of their insecurities. 11:50 Your problem (i.e. in having been fooled by the covert narcissist) is that you don't think in manipulative ways, as the narcissist does. 13:55 Covert narcissists want to give the impression that they can do healthy relationships, but over time the patterns indicate otherwise. I'm hoping that over time you can see through their schemes and that you can commit to a healthy personality style.
I just 41 and am coming to terms with being raised by a covert narcissist dad. I’ve always wondered why I don’t trust anyone and will literally spend countless thoughts on figuring out everyone’s scheme. It could be my dog scheming for food - he certainly can’t just love me and want to be near me( wants a treat)- or my wife’s or kids affection towards me. There must be a catch too it. Needless to say the reality of not having felt a real positive emotion from someone- love, affection, support - without writing it off as a scheme to get something - has hit really hard the past couple of days. Still trying to find a therapist and start unpacking. These videos are helping me understand and make sense of why im so messed up. Thanks for sharing these videos and shining some light on this foggy existence.
It really does feel foggy, confusing, and full of self-doubt, doesn't it. With each month, with the help of amazing Dr. C and others, you will feel more and more confident in your observations and knowings. There is freedom if you can eventually find that place where you could walk away (even if you don't walk away).
I cannot listen to you speak so eloquently without truly believing you are talking about my husband who I believe to be a narcissist with very covert behaviours. Everyone loves him. I’m the ‘crazy’ wife. I love your videos. They give me validation and I never ever feel crazy or confused when listening to you. Thank you Dr C ❤
Thank you Dr. C! Dismissive, that seems to be a very key word in covert narcissism in my experience. They don't come out and say, well that's dumb. They just act like whatever you said doesn't register as worthy of acknowledgment. Subtle but effective means of conveying a message.
spot on! And if they have a power dynamic over you and you live in their house, you don't become a person anymore because your voice is not heard. It was so bad that I didn't tell them about a family member's suicide in case they found it too boring or dismissed it.
In the presence of narcissism, you find yourself fading like an old photograph, a shadow of who you know yourself to be. I recall not sharing anything of importance or value too, knowing it would never be understood or appreciated. Unfortunately, the world is so riddled with narcissism, I try to keep my own counsel for the most part.
@Surviving Narcissism - Thank you for your time with your videos. I have suspected for over a year, I have unfortunately been dealing with a covert in my romantic life. He has been in and out of my life for over 5 years. I am decent; loyal and honest, wanting to see the best in people, and have given him way too many chances. He claims to be a gentleman; easy going; laid back - yet everything has to be on his terms, when he is available. He admits he likes being able to do what he wants with people. He has repeatedly told me he doesn't owe me anything. When I refuse to do something, his mask slips and his unkind side comes out. I have often said to him he is a chameleon. I was married to a full-on narcissist, so absolutely dismayed after 8 years of not allowing men in my life, so I could completely heal, the next and only man I felt I had connected with, was this covert. Where are all the good, balanced men? What has happened to society @Surviving Narcissism?
Just want to say, whenever I am watching one of your videos and I start to feel triggered....my gaze goes directly to your dog (Is Gus his name?) and I immediately start to calm down. 🐶❤
Peace and reciprocity is all I want. He doesn't care about what's going on in my life, only what I can do to improve his. I wish I knew this before, but there are some things you only learn over time and taking chances with your heart. Which I did, and he destroyed it. I think he enjoys doing it too. I feel l've invited the devil into my life, and I can't get rid of him. :(
Dr. C, these 10 subtle behaviors fit my family's covert narcissist. It's been 30 years of insincerity, manipulation and bullying with this guy. I even made the mistake a 5-6 years ago of trying to get him to make the relationship better, meaning more 'two-way' (this was before I knew it was narcissism.) He wouldn't even acknowledge the request (email); all he said was that I was the controlling one who wanted to be "alpha". I could almost taste the projection... and then started the devalueing stage. Anyway, I feel like an idiot for not recognizing the narcissism a long time ago, but I just wasn't aware. I thought 'narcissism' was just a lazy insult... so wrong, it's a family-destroying disorder. Now he's discarded me and taken my sister (his wife) with him. I'm not a religious man, but I find myself praying he gets hit by a bus, and the bus stops and backs up over him a few times just to be sure. 🤗
You must not kick yourself for not using knowledge in the past that you didn't yet have. It is perfectly normal to have angry reactions and fantasies after being devalued, abused and discarded. It just means you are human. Please be kind and gentle to yourself as you continue to heal. His day is coming, even if you are not there to witness what happens, his day is definitely coming. Take care.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you. I always knew he was controlling, and overly reactive, and could not take on any new information provided by someone else, but I just thought he was a JERK. I wish I had spent more time figuring out His narcissism back then,as much of the aggravation could’ve been avoided. Of course, now I see all the times that he was clearly manipulating me and my family, trying to take the upper hand as if he were the patriarch of OUR family, although that is far from the truth as he is almost unanimously disliked by my family. When things blew up two years ago, he demanded an apology for my part. As a reasonable person I gave it to him. He then declined to take any accountability for his part as I now see, he just wanted to punish me and use the apology against me to claim everything was my fault. The guy is Air Force Academy washout from pilot training, and I think it’s likely because of his narcissistic personality disorder (military wouldn’t want to give a $30 million jet to a narcissist, now would they?). He even lied about why he was pushed out, he said it was a heart murmur, it was not. That too became part of his false-self and backstory lie. He became a middle level, city bureaucrat, and I became a tenured full professor. He clearly hates me for that. All I can do is move on and let my sister go as collateral damage. I don’t have control over this.
Boy, I know JUST how you feel. My son in law put a gun to my daughters head several years ago and told her she was stupid. She must have caught him doing something. Since then, it has been his only goal to make everyone else (especially me) the problem...taking away our support systems by any means possible. He may finally be on the radar of the authorities....and I hope their bus runs over him several times, as well.
You're so right. It took time, but eventually I did see patterns. We would spend hours talking about his things. When It became my turn he would be busy within a few texts. He would be a jerk and rude and would gaslight to get out of it. After awhile he would say it was a misunderstanding and he can be better. I dont know why it took me so long but I finally saw that If it were going to be better it would have by now. It was 15 years of this and he never really changes. Im there to agree with him 90% of the time and if I dont I hear about it. He can mock me 90% of the time though and if I dont take it im too sensitive. He is insanely delusional, hypocritical, rude, obnoxious and dumb. I dont know how it took me so long to see it.
Forgive yourself for what you didn't know... I am choosing to believe that none of my narc abuse was my fault... It's not easy. Please take care of you..... You are worth it!!
Secrets! They expect detailed report about who do you talk to for how long, record of every cup of coffee you buy and in the same time live as a married single parson. Thank you 🙏 ❤Dr. C. “Activities that do not include me!” 💯
Yes when you understand about narcissistic people it’s easier to get through the s**** with them . Most importantly you know your not the one with the problem. Best wishes ❤❤❤❤❤❤
The shamelessness after doing everything they wanted and using you as a puppet for years, and have zero sadness or remorse shook me
@@basicbase749
They are monsters.
“Simmering frustration”. That explains my whole marriage right there.
Marriage to them is turmoil
Yes, everyday now is a joy of peacefulness . I have no regrets after ending my 15yr marriage. Albeit, it’s sad that it didn’t work, because my whole heart, and life was fully in. However, I just could not keeping denying what my discernment was revealing to me and how he made me feel. I had to go, and now I’m regaining my life and creativity back.
@@squirrelsinthewoods
They abuse you for their hurt
@@sandyr9081
Same here.
"They're data gatherers" Spot on Dr Les
But then, “I forgot,” is the phrase offered regularly for things I thought were important.
You grow up believing a parent will protect you against monsters. How awful it is when you realize THEY are the monsters.
@@Supershark83 Yes!
Yes.
Exactly it’s heartbreaking.
Preach!
CAN'T handle any correction, hostile and angry!!
💯
One of the most evil tactics an abuser can employ is not mere sabotage and betrayal. It is to betray and sabotage, then use your natural reaction as an excuse to treat you as a Crazy Person.
Anon
This is literally a tactic they use to hurt people, not one bit accidental. I've had this done to me many times, usually in the workplace. Thank the good Lord I'm away from those narcissists now. Some of them were clearly demonic.
Hahaha yes exactly. You see it!
So now we know. That is really a often used tactic. But they always get their karma back. They think they can escape Divine Justice , they always think that but the idea that they can get away with it is a lie and even after many backfiring hits of their own throws, they still think they can get away with it.
Interesting don't you think so? But I can guarantee you the Divine Justice and Kamic Law exist! So that may be comforting to be aware of.
God bless and bless God.
This was my mother's behavior, on repeat ad nauseum. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. The worst!!
Yep. I can attest to this
Reactive Abuse 💥
A narcissist is only committed to their lies , stealing and arrogance .
One more - themselves.
The sneakiness that goes on behind your back is never-ending and highly malignant.
I don't think there is a more friendly person than my husband towards strangers, but there is a different story towards us his family.
That is the so true!
I feel the same way
ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! I wish I would have been married to the wonderful, happy person, others think he is.
Always treat you and the children like stir fried shyt...backwards walking birds😂
my mother same
Coverts that I’ve encountered do the following: will purposely be late, will never follow through on a commitment, will not involve themselves in large crowds, total know it alls, always fishing for compliments, very-very fake, no attachment to family, secretive, only sweet to you when they want something, very jealous & envious of others .
WOW. You just explained my spouse to a T (with the exception of large crowds. Mine has to be center of attention).
Who would be the narcissist here though...
A person expecting their birthday be regarded as special...either through gifts, acknowledgement, flowers, a card or a bit of of pampering OR a person refusing to acknowledge a person's birthday in any way.
Is the person wanting to be regarded showing that they feel they are 'special' ......
Is the person denying any well wishes to go to the birthday holder the narcissist...refusing to acknowledge any happiness or special treatment to that person being born.
We must know the same ones.
SPOT ON!
My spouse is a huge covert narcissist and has many of these except he’s never late for things important to him, he loves the attention of crowds because he tries to get compliments, and has a very weird OVER attachment to his parents (even though they live in another country)…. He would choose his parents/ siblings over his wife and kids ANYTIME. He will happily put our kids and me through hell and massive inconvenience / deprioritization for literally anyone not us.
They will eventually stop compliments and start devaluing you, gaslighting, and name-calling. They will never be the ones to end a relationship because they always want to be the "good guy" and pull the victim card.
YES! Mine would NOT just say it's over! He would do absolutely EVERYTHING but just "break up" with me
Because he NEEDS to be the victim so badly
IF you accidentally injure them too severely, they will end a relationship. BUT they will launch a vicious smear campaign so outsiders think that the "good guy" was so tormented by the victim that the narcissist had no choice but to end the relationship.
I went to counselling to learn about my husband’s behaviour. I put in boundaries and not long after, he left. 12 months later I applied for a divorce and have been free ever since
That was over 20 years ago and I’m still free
Jr3 - You just opened my eyes with that statement. Thank you.
Wow! This is spot-on. I begged the narcissist in my life to “let me go” and end the relationship. All I got was refusal and more emotional trauma. I walked away (emotionally) and am finally feeling free from the clutches of a very evil person.
These people can be so incredibly dangerous. For God's sake protect your pets. They target what you love.
Mine just tried to FB
me as a friend! For God sakes.
mines trying to go after my family smh
That’s one of my great fears as I plan my exit. He has always called my pets “pests”. I have 2 dogs, a cat, and 4 chickens.
Oh my gosh, so true. Pretend to like your pet, then kick them and punch them.
yes it drives them insane to see loving exchanges and those between owners and their pets really count - if they had the chance they would destroy your pet if you cross them in a way they find unforgivable - I left an impending dangerous situation and I intuited my cat was at a high level of risk - it was my mission to protect both of us when we left - I knew I could never leave my cat behind because he would probably not live another day
His problems are our problems, my problems are strictly mine. Narcissistic loyalty
@@anitram-f3x Yes! You said it perfectly!
They will do things to make you feel insecure and then they will tell you that you are insecure
Covert narcissism is built on passive aggressive anger - that explains everything.
They are living their karma 24/7. We know it and they know it. Gets worse for them as they age. They have betrayed themselves.
I thought the same thing re. getting worse as they age. I wonder why that is?
The narcissist in my life is a born-again Christian who has had control over me since I was a young woman. She knows stuff that could be very damaging to my life. She also now has dementia and has become more aggressive. and controlling. I feel trapped with no way out. I also have lost my faith.
@@juliebarks3195 it’s all about control, manipulation, exploitation and domination Julie. They are data collectors. Get to know everything about you so they can use it against you. You can only save yourself. You are your primary responsibility. As much as it might hurt you have to save yourself. Get out. No contact or grey rock. Best of luck Julie ❤️
It gets worse for a narcissist for many reasons, but a few of those reasons are about how everyone the narcissist has abused has left the narcissist behind, and how life is harder for a narcissist as they age. Appearance, health, energy, credibility, etc. all fade so it is in many ways harder for a narcissist to stay in control of everyone and everything. Death is also feared by narcissists as the ultimate loss of control, and some attempt to continue controlling beyond the grave with wills, inheritance who gets what, etc.
@juliebarks3195 God ( Higher Power ) flows within you .Step outside and the divine surrounds you. Find your own truth. I get scared or angry sometimes too. I literally walk away from toxic people.Taking a break can refresh your attitude.
They lie constantly, and when they have spoken about you behind your back, and when caught out, they outright deny it! Lying and lying constantly. I absolutely hate people lying to me on a constant basis.
I worked with an overt, and later discovered a covert too at the same time. I overheard them talking about me, and later told the covert (I didn't know she was at the time) that someone had told me that she had said the things I had heard her say. She got angry at me and told me that whoever told me that was a liar, and I shouldn't believe it. The way that she was so aggressive in accusing an anonymous person of lying was really bizarre.
If I hadn't heard it directly, this 'deflect and blame the other person' tactic could have worked - I may have been left wondering which person I could trust. She told me herself that I couldn't trust her.
@@Gneiss365 Wow, that’s scary and diabolical.
Yes, they certainly do. I have a covert narcissist for a mother... she lies all the time.
I am so on that page, because what do you do with someone who lies and then denies it, you can do nothing, its really frustrating. Walk away
Yes it is no reason to lie.
Narcissists make an all out plan to go after YOUR friends. It's important for them to win over the people that they think admire and love you.
@@LibraryBP2
They are so envious of us. What they first admired about us they eventually resent you for.
There used to be a writer on Quora, Veronica Welles, who wrote wonderful, insightful pieces on narcissism. After I commented here, I remembered that she once said (in her opinion) that the defining characteristic of a covert narcissist was “switching off.” I just thought about this and how right she was. Every covert I’ve ever known does this. Let’s say you’re talking, you’ll pour your heart out about something and they’ll look at you, dead silence or give you a one-word response. I have two covert narcissist brothers, and the one you can actually talk to without getting raged at will just switch topics, like hard 90-degree conversation right angles the minute you bring something up that he can’t instantly establish himself as the authorized expert on. These folks are truly maddening pieces of work.
That's good insight.
Great comments, you folks ,can make me feel ok, im sorry im on a trip, but i mean to tell ya, thanks for, this great comments community, my Doctor, can give peace of, something that feels ok
@@lindabell2940😂right on target
Yes they do do that--makes me feel so rotten.
Oh yes! The stare, the one word answer. Worse, no comment at all and you say...did you hear what I said.. they say "yes" ...well, you didn't say anything... back comes the instant smug reply ... " you didn't ask a question". I grew to despise him.
"overtime people will reveal themselves, wait, and be patient". The amount of hurt and devastation that happened to me has been something I have never come back from. I still live and have a life but it will never be the same.
Then live your best life, and give them the "victory".
I so hear you. We can heal.
🙏
I understand.
Yes and also.. 'when people show you who they are the first time, believe them.'
They are envious. They triangulate. They are critical. They don’t celebrate you. They will buy you but not apologize. They dismiss you but expect you to show up for them at the drop of a hat. They are jealous unfortunately… When you see the mask fall off - they will put on a mask and do damage control. It is sad. Not loyal friend. But demand loyalty.
Exactly 💯
My 2 older sisters, remind me of Cinderella's "ugly" sisters 😆
Sabotage is the act of destroying or undermining something. It can take two forms - active or passive. Active refers to doing something that causes harm and passive is failing to do something which by its omission causes harm. Covert narcissists sabotage in sneaky ways to gain supply and it can take many years before you become fully aware of their deepseated hatred. In my experience, they prefer passive sabotage because it is less obvious and allows them to maintain their façade of normality. Silence is popular amongst your covert variety, as is withholding affection. Triangulating also works quite well to confuse the victim. It is the gradual removal of human connection that leaves the victim wondering where it all went so horribly wrong.
I lke your explanation because it is very clear and conclusive. 👍👍👍
Exactly this! ❤
Years of being confused, thinking it's you. By far this is the worst form of sabotaging someone else's life. Withholding affection when they want and then lavishing it when they want. In my experience they can be as cold as ice one week then hugs and kisses the next. Growing up like that was so confusing as there is no pattern, because it's based on how they're feeling
@@bereal6590this is such an eye opening. Yet, hurtful. It explains the why to me.
I have a servant heart. I have always served in my work and my family. I never would of thought that. I am also exhausted and to get energized or feel appreciated by my partner that does not return the actions can be to me very hurtful.
@@sandraohara685 It is EXHAUSTING. Take good care of yourself as the pain and grief it all brings is IMO very depleting. Try to keep yourself as centred as you can else they can throw you completely off balance :)
These creatures live for hijacking your emotions … expect nothing from a narc and you’ll never be disappointed 😵💫
So true
@@victoriavitoroulis3273 Wow
Celebrate you 😂
Betrayal belongs to pretenders
That's a very good way to put it.
❤☺️👍
Always Enlightenment! Thank you doctor Carter sir! ❤
Amen!! 😊
"The great pretender", i gotta go hear that song again. 😁👍
They absolutely will not receive input.
I have a Narcissist friend and brother and they take absolutely no input! My friend constantly says “ no one can tell me what to do I have already mastered what they said” They make everything they do grandiose and in reality it’s extremely minuscule!
I've had friends and coworkers like that.
MICRO BETRAYALS AND PASSIVE AGRESSIVE ANGER
Essentially the passive aggressive covert narcissists just treat you with contempt. Catch their expression when they look at you. You are just so far beneath them.
@@vickyaldridge6778 wow! 100%
THIS! I couldn't agree more. When my "friendship" with my former long-distance narc "friend" collapsed, my father asked me one question: "What what the first change in her behaviour?"... well.... I wasn't sure. And he told me: "She didn't want to video call you anymore and switched to texting. Very comfy for her, you couldn't see her facial expressions anymore. I guess if you could watch her facial expressions, you'd see the truth - insincerity, contempt and lack of emotional investment."
That’s infuriating that their so thirsty for praise & compliments and don’t acknowledge anything you do . .. only see what you don’t do 😵💫
This is so true, especially if it's something positive for you.
My brain almost exploded. My narc inlaws were asking what was my daughter watching on tv. We told them and all they said was "oh". Absolutely no follow up questions. They aren't even interested in their own grandkids. Also me and my husband did some cosmetic renos on the house. They absolutely paid it no affention. When you said they withhold compliments they absolutely do. They are so energy depleting.
They only notice what you don’t do .
Jealousy plays a part too
They sound just like my ex-inlaws-they had absolutely no interest in their grandkids.
"Absolutely no follow up questions."
As a writer and observer of humanity, I often find myself coming up with some interesting philosophical conclusions about people. One of them was, "You can choose who you marry-- but not who you fall in love with." I'd expect any "normal" person to have some kind of reaction to that. About a month before getting booted by my TWO narcissistic home care clients (who I'd been with for over 4 YEARS), they were engaging in a discussion about relationships, and I felt it was a good time to finally toss that out. ZERO response. NOTHING!! Looking back on that moment, I find myself thinking, even if I hadn't already come to the definite conclusion they were both narcissists, I'm pretty sure I would have sensed that SOMETHING was terribly wrong. (They're both gay, but just the other day, I actually had to EXPLAIN to someone else I know, that "gay" and "narcissist" are two COMPLETELY-UNRELATED things. There are an AWFUL lot of "straight" people who are narcissists. It's shocking some people don't understand that.)
@@mrsmucha same here … they made a big deal about my baby shower .. and refused to see the baby … that showed me right there how my husband became a narc .😵💫
They betrayed themselves long time ago!
True 🎯
Wow, 53 years of vacations by his choice, meals to his liking, cars always chosen by him, temperature in the house his choice, rules on what the savings in the bank is for, carports only for my boat and lawnmower and you can put your wheelbarrow here, on and on it goes. I now take CBD oil and lavender oil to calm my nerves because controlling words are as abusive as physical contact!!
Yes they say emotional wounds take longer to heal than physical wounds.
I spent 23 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist. The problem is, I had no idea what a covert narcissist was until after the breakup. I was too busy to notice the passive-aggressive behavior, busy with work, a child, and family responsibilities. I was also way too trusting. We started arguing a lot over nothing, so I made a decision not to argue about anything. You'd think that would improve a relationship. Instead, he left because it broke the push-pull cycle and he was no longer getting supply.
Same here Judy.I had no idea what a covert was until shortly before I kicked her out she was leaving anyway I had to expedite it or I would of stroked out by now, sad thing is she was my high school lover,fast forward 45 years and wow did she change,I never have so abused. Shes been gone since Oct 1 and iam still in dis belief.stay well all.
“They’re already playing you, you just don’t know it…part of the betrayal aspect of the narcissist is they’re data gatherers”
And don't want anything they say to be questioned, no matter how much of it made no sense.
They take pleasure when you believe their lies. Look quick enough and you will see a smug smile forming on their face or in their eyes.
My ex kept saying how others betrayed him, and I was wondering why he was doing the same to me, and as well, accusing me of betraying him when I continuously supported him in any ways possible. I realize deceit and betrayal is the language of their world, which I don't belong.
Wow, this rings true for my experience. Well worded!
Wow..that is the perfect trap..you will work so hard to please him but he'll say he has been let down and YOU should do more for him...😂
Had a similar experience with my ex.
Said everyone except 2 people had let her down in her life.
She failed to mention all the times she's let people down with her lies and cheating though.
Actually living in a dream 🌎 😅
They often project their own bad behavior onto others.
Same Hun they project who they are on to u, I had it also done to me, when I was nothing but supporting, 😅
Check all those boxes.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
He quietly sabotaged/broke personal things of mine & things around
the house:
Broke the only car key to my classic car in half and "lost" the broken off part. It ended up costing me over $600. as I had to order a new ignition cylinder and have it installed. He also refused to put plumbing glue on a repair he insisted doing and the pipe slowly leaked under the cabinet. By the time I discovered it the cabinet was permanently damaged. I could go on...and on...I thought they were just honest mistakes but looking back - WOW.😮
I thank God I walked away 20 years ago. I'm still trying to get better
Personal keepsakes missing, movies DVDs, books that I loved just randomly missing when I decide I want to watch a certain movie ...
Yes. This.
They are low blows there’s no doubt about it . Pure evil
Before I kicked her to the curb, my narc "friend" loved to jerk me around with her drama ploys. She would hint at something being horribly wrong with her (a terminal illness) but when I tried to offer her comfort, she wouldn't even give me the full story. She enjoyed watching me dangle in the wind. I discarded her 2 months ago. No telling what lies she's been spreading about me. Who cares.
For the past two years, I discovered that a "Friend" who I am pretty sure is a covert narcissist. However she likes to cut other people off and dominate the conversation to the point that you can't get a word in edgewise. When I told her that "I see you and can't trust you" she openly admitted that she wanted to brag about her family being successful while I happened to be struggling. Meanwhile she happened to ignore what I was facing and has not taking any responsbility. Instead she is more concerned that she ruined one day in my life while she happened to start sulking when I said things that she didn't like.
This actually reminds me of very early playground days at primary school or earlier. Like, "You're my bestest friend EVER!" Then another playmate."Do you know what she's just said about you?" 🙄
That's probably why I never really liked groups from childhood on like cliques, which were so populair in my generation when I was a child. When children come together it is often about idealization and devaluation. They are constantly comparing each other. And in a group setting it is even worse because they feel so strong alltogether and then they will pick a scapegoat to feel even stronger and the scapegoat will feel weak and confused. - You can find this dynamic everywhere, in families, politics etc.
Amanda, how is your tooth doing?🤔 Still inside or around your neck on a necklace with peace in your mouth?😉
Sending you many regards and refreshing thoughts 💗 🤗
Yeah. This was in my school days. Only the adults in my home life didn't behave much better 🙄
That particular tooth is behaving thanks. But the veneer on my front tooth broke. I get the replacement next week 👍
Thanks for all your kinds thoughts and wishes. They are of course reciprocated 🤗🎉💖
@@amandaliverpool3374 The one tooth gets better and now another broke 😏 I am sorry to hear about your "battlefield" but glad that you don't have to wait for another months to be repaired 👍
I think it's quite normal that children are comparing each other to understand themselves better, their differences etc. but when the family at home itself is "messy", it is a breeding ground for getting stuck in growth, which then can lead to many dysfunctions in life.
Thank you, Amanda 💗🎉🤗
@@roxymovie3938 I agree with you.
Take care 🤗💖✨️
@@amandaliverpool3374 🤗💗✨
A narcissist will suddenly gaslight with questions that are out of context. A question that makes no logical sense which is insulting to some degree. That is an intended subversive game of manipulative control.
What are some examples of these questions?
Don't expect compliments, but know those criticisms are coming in hot!
Funny how that works!
My aunt nearly constantly complains to me about other people.
Several people told me that she complained about me (behind my back) to them. When I told my aunt about that, she immediately proclaimed them liars, even though she has been caught lying many times herself.
Crazy stuff.
Consider the source. She must be carrying lots of psychological pain inside.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes. By the way, when she promises something, better forget about it.
She has not kept any promise to people since her childhood.
I am not sure how she even managed to be tolerated by people she interacted with while she was working, such as with colleagues at work, and managed to get paid, and eventually retired?
I wonder how uncooperative people even get anything done at their job, and get through to the retirement.
@@tombuddy100 they make a beeline for management and strut their facade of honest, diligent, integrity like peacock feathers to create a good impression, then slowly begin to undermine all of their co-workers as lazy, crazy, dishonest. Thanks to the good first impression followed up with the criticisms disguised as concerned loyalty, they will never be suspected. They're not the problem, everyone else is.
@@tombuddy100hmmm narcissists are like a cult - maybe she's the scapegoat.
You don't know anything real about your aunt because you didn't live with her since childhood. All you heard about her is stories you learned. You have to question EVERY source. Not those you think is trustworthy because of relations. The enemies often disguise as trustworthy friends to make you do their biddings.
Most important is to consider your own source. What you got is limited information only from places you can't verify whether true or not.
Be careful and don't be so firm about the judgement because i know first hand i was the caretaker of the family but the cult would all tell the stories upside down and to the point where i suffer profound ptsd that i can't keep my promises because of self-sabotage and chronic health issues that would come up whenever triggered and the triggers are plenty depending on the experiences one has been through.
Now i start to wonder when my mother talked about my aunts, she could actually be the one lying, but the entire time when I didn't know better, i thought she was telling the truth. I was used as flying monkey in that sense. I was the scapegoat who woke up from the cult eventually and they still lie about me to this date because of constant gossip and reinforcing the lies with each other.
Maybe your aunt was what you said she was, or maybe she's just the abused scapegoat/blacksheep of the narc cult that lie so much that there is no limits to more lies they could make up just to make the scapegoat look bad.
Just saying.
Had to write about this because i now ascended to become an aunt and despite i took care of my nephews, now they have brainwashed them to think of me as less than them also. Everyone lives by the lies because then someone is the problem, not themselves.
You never know what people can become when they have more power than when they were vulnerable. They all forgot me, the only one who cared for them for all the many years. All they would say is lies now, scapegoating doesn't stop at the original cult, anyone can become an enemy even the underdogs one saved. It's extremely disheartening.
This is absolutely spot on. I was duped for a total of seven years. Seven years of my life thinking that maybe something would change. I knew something was wrong all along, but chose to ignore it. The lying by omission, and the not wanting to talk about Problems or our relationship should have been my red flag to get out. For those experiencing this don’t waste years like I did.
Snap! I just recently experienced the final rejection by slow fade after 7 years of an on/off situationship with an old flame. Ironically I lost the same amount of years to her 25 years ago when we were teens, but it was only towards the end of the second wave that I was able to make the necessary discoveries about attachment styles and personality disorders. An event that occurred right at the very beginning of our first relationship prefixed a very unhealthy dynamic thanks to the way she manipulated me and the situation at the time. I suffered a nervous breakdown because of the gaslighting, but this was the catalyst that altered my outlook and made me start reviewing things and questioning things in an entirely different way and thus led to me making some very important discoveries. From there I began to soak up information and as a result I was starting to figure her out and I was finding ways to counteract some of the effects of her abusive tactics. After 6 months of slow fading I confronted her and she took the opportunity to suddenly end the relationship. She also made a surprise admission which related to the event 25 years before which I had always believed myself to be responsible for, and spent many years trying to repair damage, and earn forgiveness for. This coaxed me into a codependent state and the belief that she was honest and innocent, and that I had betrayed her trust and acted immorally. It's impossible to suspect a partner of lying and cheating when you carry this false belief.
I don't know about you but I can go from feelings of positivity and passiveness (like I am bigger than this) to feelings of hurt and shame, followed by anger and wanting to break her emotionally. The idea that revenge should take the form of walking away and having a successful happy life doesn't offer the slightest gratification. If you become a success and the narc isn't around to see it, does it really work? It feels like gratification only occurs when they decide to reach out to you again some day and you get to reject them to their face. I went more than 10 years with no contact, and reinvented myself, healed and started to make something of myself. She put the feelers out a couple of times a few years earlier but then reached out and lovebombed like crazy . I suspect she will reach out again in another 10 years time. Giving up her 25 year secret that had given her such false empowerment for so long I guess she thought she'd had enough use out of it. Or maybe she figured it would no longer help her since I had pretty much sussed out what she was. Who knows!
I hope your 7 years weren't as destructive. They should really teach us these things at school.
Some of the best advise that I have ever heard regarding relationships was offered at min 12:02 of this video. I was married for 33 years and spent 4 1/5 years involved in a divorce. It all happened so quickly in the beginning, we were engaged and married within months of our first date. I was so young and did not really know the person that I ended up married to for over half of my life. If I had taken the time to truly get to know him, much of what has caused me so much grief and despair could have possibly been avoided. It is no coincidence that they move in quickly in the beginning sweeping you off your feet. Time tells all and they know that they must make their move before their true self is revealed. Lies by omission was a favorite tactic of my husband. I am still discovering, almost 40 years later, things that he kept undercover. He was hiding so much. It makes me so so very sad.
I also did 33yrs, have been out 5. Now I have days where I remember events I had completely forgotten about!! I think about them differently now and I'm like Omg!! I think that's what actually happened!! I was in such just survivor mode trying to work and raise kids! Now I'm thinking, that x I wanted to take kids to Disneyland and couldn't! I didn't misplace debit card he probably took it. I never lost those things and of course it was all 😢my fault. Or that x both my new front tires went flat? Omg so many things I'm recalling now I don't know what I lived exactly like you said! More than half of my life!!
@@staceypritchett7770 There is just so much to unravel. I still can't make sense of most of what happened. Just when I thought that I had things pretty sorted out in my head, something else presents itself. I simply do not want to discover anymore of his deception. I am tired of him taking up so much space in my life. I have not seen or spoken to him in almost 5 years and it's as if he is still around. He left so many loose ends that I feel as if I will be cleaning up the mess forever!
You are not alone! I'm a survivor of a similar experience. One tactic that he used was the "surprise" morphing into "ambush" . The surprises ( florist deliveries, for example) were nice , then morphed ( after he married me) into difficult ambush situations. Another pattern to be aware of, for self-protection.
@@staceypritchett7770 SAME here!!! 20 years apart, and I am STILL having 💡🤯 moments, and revelations about what he was doing during, and after the marriage. And, remembering things that put the pieces together.
Oh, yes!!! Exactly.
Dr. Carter you are making the world a better place.
Great respect to you for all that you do..
Thanks.
Dismissiveness. That describes my sister so accurately. Micro betrayals. As well as macro betrayals.
I too have that
I might add I don't think like my sis and happy I don't.
So sick of these little minds Betraying Trust.
The narc friend actually sabotaged my work .She spoke behind my back about personal information I told her .She was determined to get me fired from my job .
1. They will make fun of you in front of people you love and admire or respect and appreciate or all the above and somehow successfully convince those people they (the narcissist) was “just joking.”
2. They will talk about you behind your back and if ever found out, they will play the “I didn’t mean it that way” card so that whomever they were talking to about you completely believes them that “they didn’t mean it that way.”
3. They will convince you that you that your crazy for remembering exact details of a particular matter so that they can weasel their way out of having to take responsibility for whatever the matter happened to be.
4. They will ignore you completely and then ten minutes later play the “I didn’t hear you” game (even tho they were standing right next to you and there was no way whatever it was to be heard could not be heard.)
5. They will promise this and that and never follow through- most likely because you (they will claim) somehow kept them from keeping their promises.
6. They will open doors for you just to literally walk right in front of you as you attempt to walk through the open door they’re holding while previously motioning you through and then act like you somehow got in their way AND THEN act like they don’t understand why you didn’t walk through the door they were holding for you.
7. They will point at something that is just beyond your vision while “bumping” you in the face just so they can say “it was an accident.”
8. They will fall asleep while driving and when you wake them up and insist on driving for them, they will act SO hurt and offended and they will refuse to pull over so that ten miles down the road you will have to wake them up while falling asleep at the wheel again.
9. They will have SO MANY “good reasons” for the disrespectful and inappropriate things they do both to you as well as do in general so that what they do still ends up effecting you, that you have no other option but to believe them (at first) and other people will think you are the most inconsiderate person for not believing said excuses that it makes talking about you behind your back so easy it just becomes their go-to conversations. (And of course they will claim they NEVER talk about you.)
10. They will say they’re sorry “for everything” so that they never have to apologize for anything in particular and then treat you as tho you’re being ridiculous when you tell them you don’t accept their apology because it’s an incomplete apology. They will convince people outside looking in that they (the narcissist) have “apologized for everything” so that that phrase (“apologized for everything”) sounds perfectly acceptable and complete and the other people will think “how horrible of you” that you won’t get over something the narcissist clearly apologized for (but actually never once even remotely acknowledged because of the umbrella apologies of “I apologized for ‘everything.’”)
I finally figured it out but wow the covert is so good at betrayal that it’s as tho they can’t help themselves… even THAT is 100% not true but somehow it’s also 100% how it seems. They are THAT good at what they do. Eventually if you don’t learn to embrace the cliche phrase of “fool me once…” you will always and forever be the narcissist’s fool.
Be YOU. Even if you have to shed a few pounds (aka people) to be who YOU choose to be! It’s not easy. But goodness, is being with them any easier? No. The ultimate betrayal of the covert (whether it be the covert person OR group of persons) is they will convince you you should be who THEY SAY you should be. They will use your morals and your values and even your scruples against you so that you will think they have the same morals, values, and scruples as you. And when you are so sure you believe the same things, want the same things, care for the same things, they will lay down their mask of pretender in a way that convinces you you’re not who you thought YOU were and they act as tho they “don’t know where all of your objection to their behavior is coming from” so that you yourself will do anything (or just about anything) to convince them you are who you say you are but it won’t matter by then. By then you’re basically being exactly who they want you to be… a confused individual who is dead inside and easily manipulated.
Wake up! Be YOU!
Light and love, Team Healthy!
DrC, my store grand opening was incredible! I didn’t think my tiny store could hold so many folks haha! I still have so much to learn but I’m having so much fun (sore feet and all) figuring it out without having to babysit narcissistic people along the way! I hope you had a great Labor Day!!!
Kelly...You have soooo many good things to say here. Thanks for all the food for thought. I'm not at all surprised at the store's success...but I'm incredibly pleased on your behalf that you stepped out and followed your heart. I'm so encouraged for you!!
You are right. 100 % they will!
Thank you soooo much. I appreciate your sharing of this writing!
which dampens your trust in those people you admire, respect, care about, since it clearly shows they dont really dial into you, or SEE YOU, or the pain in your eyes, in my experience anyway :/
@@alaysiakayebutler6299 exactly
I cut off a 5 year situation last weekend with a Narc. He got caught on the phone by a hidden phone I set up so I could just bust him and not feel bad about leaving over things I “thought” was going on but had no real proof. Well I got my proof… never told him HOW I caught him though and he STILL lied. Then he turned around and KINDA told the truth but I heard it all. My chance had finally come to break away clearly without being the bad one. The next day he had a car accident (memorial day) and keep texting me acting like it was something serious…I broke because my car is in his name and my decals run out soon so I had to be “nice” because I had got my evidence so what could it hurt. So I finally called to act like I cared… in the middle of it all he asked if we where still done and you know my answer. He didn’t get upset so I thought I was good until he texted later asking if I take him to work since his car was totaled out in the accident. Now mind you he NEVER apologized for being caught on phone with a ex so I was respectful but said I’d rather not and asked if he could at least respect my feelings in the situation and that’s all I needed…did need a apology or anything. He Blocked me and claimed that he’d still send car decals in the mail. Mind you this man shot me in the leg a year ago. They will ruin your life and have you thinking you’re crazy. STAY AWAY AT ALL COST…JUST RUN.
Dr. C and Team Healthy,
I hope you are all doing well.
I think the saddest reality is that the betrayal began from day one, and it took many of us years, and in my case, decades, to realize it.
Betrayal in every aspect actually.
I woke up to the psychological and emotional abuse first, and decided to end the marriage. All I've come across since is the realization that there was not only that type of abuse, but physical betrayals, professional betrayals, family betrayals, etc.
It's shocking what happens when the "scales" fall away and you can see it all for what it is.
The Lord was waiting for me to come back to Him, and He put people like Dr. C and Team Healthy in my life, to help me through the rest of my journey.
Thank you and God Bless You. ❤
@patriciamacnichol5061 🧡🌹
❤️
Yes, it is shocking. Over 20 years apart from the X, and STILL having revelations about what happened, and what he was doing, during, and after! 🤯💡💡💡. So GRATEFUL to be free from him!
God does provide for us. Education is so helpful. I, like you, just had no clue. Being armed with information has helped see and not be taken in going forward. Now, if only I could untangle a lifetime of family narcissists.
“The Scales FALL AWAY …!”
Fact Check - So Accurate, it hurts! 🎯👍🏻🙏🏻
Just realized this about my brother who has gaslit me for 50 Years!
I’m not sure what hurts more - the betrayal or my naive, willing complicity in it?!?!😳
When they congratulate your son for an accomplishment with their lips, but their face is in disgust and pain. Its a cut to the heart AND a blessing because now I understand what is going on. It finally “clicked”.
Or the smirk. Because they are thinking something else, other than congratulations!!!
🎯
@@amandaliverpool3374🎯
@@amandaliverpool3374 that's why I won't have phone conversations with them, you can't read the face of somebody on a phone but you can sometimes tell from the tone of voice that they are secretly happy when saying something nasty.
Master manipulators!!
Someone that pretends. that is someone who you cannot figure out who they are. they change so often. I can't stand this kind of person having flaws makes us human. this person is trying to be someone they're not
Narcissists are experts at betrayal because they learned it in their childhood. The use of betrayal as a tool to threaten and coerce is all they know. There is little else more disturbing than an adult whose personality is still that of a child. Hence, there is the private child side of the narcissist and the adult-pleasing public side.
Explain further please. How does a child learn this kind of behavior?
Bingo!
I think most childhood learning is copying the way parents (or a fav. parent) acts. My x-wife became increasingly mean, hateful, uncooperative, no matter how hard I tried to communicate kindly, spend time w/her etc. I was making gradual progress @ forgiveness & love for myself, when boom! The x-father in law whom I loved as a friend, sends me a DEATH THREAT TEXT. He accused me of being abusive like he is to his wife. I hadn't interacted w/ any of their awful family, nor my X.wife in 5-7 months. All this drama, worry, & hate for her betrayal . . re-emerged. Yup, she learned it from her parents. 😥
@@sandraohara685Often it is modeled for them by a parent. There may be an abusive situation in the home that encourages it. Some studies are saying it may also be genetic.
We don't teach children to lie, but have to teach them to tell the truth!
Honestly I got gaslit and abused to the point of severe dissociation I had to turn off and hide from the part of me that saw what was happening or felt like it was wrong
Betrayal destroys trust ...
And forgiving the narcissist in my life was easy, but the trust was completely gone -- plus, there was zero change coming from my mother-in-law. So to preserve my inner peace and mental health I chose to go no contact with her. Forgiveness & Trust are two separate issues.
@druchampion-payne1489 Thank you for the reminder about the importance of trust .
@@Greenawareness188 You're welcome .... and I was under a lot of pressure from my church family to forgive this person; but many good hearted friends at church simply didn't understand the difference between forgiveness & trust :)
@@druchampion-payne1489 Huge Amen !!! 💗💗💗
A narcissist knows those whom they can hurt with just a look or a few words. That fact along with their lack of empathy in action (recognition of their responsibility for hurting another and true heart repentance), cause me to chose to avoid contact or very limited contact, even within family of God. I pray about this because it is truly shameful. How can we fulfill scripture of others seeing the love of Christ Jesus through our love shown to our brothers and sisters in Christ with me trying to keep from repeat/new wounds.
I try pointing out, i am wounded. I am hurting. To Husband, you do this and this. You dont hear me. You treat me like you dont need me, but expect me to do as much as possible for you. He again doesnt hear me. I am angered, i suppress. I feel used, i brush it aside. I speak i forgive him. But unknown to me, a root had started way back. I closet hate this one, my husband. I need help. I dont want to hate him. I dont want to be bitter, dispising, critical, avoiding, uncaring of him.
His years of disrespect to my face and usery along with his unhearing ear added to the strength of this root. He uses my honesty against me, to reflect i have the problem. If i would just obey Gods word, we wouldn't have a relationship problem.
Sadly, how can any relationship mend when one doesnt think they have an issue to work on?
This is just so perfectly descriptive!! I wish I knew what a female covert narcissist was long ago!!
Never apologize, don't care, can easily dismiss and betray you! Talk behind your back, eager to crush you.
Interesting “they’re data gatherers” that is so true. If they do apologize they then tell you what you did wrong to cause them to do act the way they did. Then they tell you that you owe them an apology!!! Don’t react, keep silent - their rage will build - it’s time for you to exit. Love your videos Dr. C thank you.
My ex-friend narcissist once accidentally said outloud, "I'm so lonely." She sounded like a small child. I believe it is the only truth she has ever spoken.
Me,too. I heard this a lot. What’s this all about?
@anneprocopio8519 I'm guessing that somewhere down deep in their inner child psyche, they feel lonely, but they can't grasp the cause of the loniless. They don't understand the reason nobody wants to be around them. BECAUSE THEY CAN'T ADMIT THEY'RE JERKS!
@@anneprocopio8519The "abandoned child" syndrome?
I gave the benefit of doubt when we first met. 2.5 years later, I know for sure what I’m dealing with. Manipulation, victim, blaming, ghosting, etc. I am freeing myself. Although it’s been difficult to cut away, my life is so much better!
This described my husband of 29 yrs. He’s absolutely a passive aggressive covert narcissist. It’s so hard to stay with him. We’ve had a very difficult 29 yrs. 😢
Get both of you into counciling.
Get out of you can manage it at all. It will never get better. Sending prayers.
I’m leaving after 20 years, get out and don’t look back !
You don’t have to stay with him and shouldn’t. Don’t go to counseling. That cannot fix abuse.
Same, 30 years and I’m finding my first time trying to disengage very very difficult as we are still married 😢
3:28 This hurts the most. You believe they are genuinely interested in WHO you are as a person.
OMG - my neighbor - she has temper tantrums in the parking lot and drags as many people into it as she can - then a day or 2 later behaves as tho nothing ever happened. I really detest these people. I guess someone has been showng my mother what I have to say about her and the rest of the fam damily - in her weekly letter last week she writes "all i can say is that I love you." an apology would never cross her mind. there's too much to apologize for anyway.
Compliments. Thank yous. Apologies. Sympathy. These are 4 things I never, ever get from covert narci husband!
The only promises I get are broken ones... I told him "Promises made. Promises broken" is what I'll put on his tombstone. It's his legacy!
There was a guy who buried his sister and on her headstone stated "It's not my fault" I couldn't help but laugh.
@@mday3821 that IS funny!
PERFECT TIMING of this one again for me as im working out what their latest game is. They're not remotely interested in WHO you are , what you're about, what you like, dislike. You become what THEY want and think you're choosing for yourself. You aren't, but you end up loosing who you are to fit their mould to get their attention, miniscule validations. It makes any relationship hollow and a feeling of not being seen and trying to always please them so they'll smile your way. You're tuning into them, they're not tuning into you. Conversations don't ever seem to bring clarity or true closeness on a deeper level
These folks also betray their own health and wellbeing. These behaviors never end up with good outcomes ... for the targets or themselves. God help us all. Thanks, Dr. Carter ...
Thank you for explaining about being duped in the end. I fell for it again. They asked questions and I gave them data, thinking they cared.
We've all done it❣️
@@amandaliverpool3374🙉❤️🎯
I broke up with my narcissist 4 days ago. It's been a very hurtful process but it's best. They never fought or called or texted once I broke up. Surprising giving everything I've read. Very happy that it didn't come to that. Will be better equipped for the future.
EXACTLY! The victim mentality is unreal!
I had the two worst narcisstic parents . My mother would talk to me and ask me questions and anything positive she would just say Oh or ok . She never cared about my life but always acted like she did. My sisters are just like her and all betrayed me . Me being the youngest I been put down and always the scapegoat
I hear you. I am the youngest of like a total of 7 girls. Nightmare ish
When my mother asked me questions, she was not interested in my answers. She was probing for new information, almost as if using me as a source of gossip.
I am sorry you are the scapegoat stevec3892. I am too in my family (I am the oldest offspring). It's awful. Patrick Teahan (psychologist on TH-cam) says scapegoating is something that is unforgiveable. I agree on every level.
I completely understand that, but it's not just the youngest. I'm the oldest and was the scapegoat. I finally grew up and went no contact with my narc parents.
He is now 72 years old. He's showing his age and losing his hair. He even tried to blame me for that.
Yeah-dismissive towards my lifestyle, interests, passions, and friends. I made consistent and heartfelt efforts to get to know the people in her life. Why? Simply because they were part of her life! For some reason, there was a reluctance to meet with my friends, and I hardly noticed it-or recognized it for what it was: judgment and rejection.
The narc saying sorry - almost never happens and if it does.. very reluctantly and with obvious condescension, that I shouldn’t be expecting an apology in the first place, and that my mindset that would even think of holding him accountable is the problem - not his action. A real talent to gaslight while apologizing.
Covert Narcissists want to give you the impression that they can do healthy relationships when in fact they are master manipulators. Over time their micro betrayals will pile up and you will recognize unhealthy patterns and trends.
Subtle ways of covert betrayal:
1. Creating false positive regard up
front
2. Seeming to be loyal,
yet not living up to it
3. Critisism under the guise of
concern
4. They will lie by omission,
Appearing to be virtous, but...
5. Reluctant/unwilling to give you
compliments
6. They don't give good apologies
7. Dismissive regarding your
intrests
8. Increasingly critical to others,
and you will be next
9. Fishing for compliments,
yet giving you few
10. Consistently unwilling to
receive input
Be aware:
> Covert Narcissism is built upon
passive aggressive anger
> They want to control with the least vulnerability
> They have many double standards
> They'd rather invalidate than understand
> They must appear above you
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Roxy comes through again!
So true. Their micro betrayals piled up 🎯 The reason I overlooked it is that it seemed subtle at first. Thank you for making the checklist of covert betrayal ✔
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yeah, now I am coming through. This list of yours is really a tough one and in the aftermath I can recognize every single point yöu mention. Thanks to you, Dr Carter!
@@yukio_saito Yes, it was so subtle and because he was pulling me in so very quickly into a very fast dimension, I was not able to think clearly, aside from gaslighting. And then I went totally confused by the gaslighting! You are welcome, as always, Yukio 🙏
This is really spot on and helpful. It took me YEARS to recognize the covert narcissist in my life after years of betrayal. I really believed they were a good person despite it all. Dr. C has some of the best videos on covert narcissism and has really helped me understand what happened to me. Please keep doing the good work. ❤
Thank you.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is forgiving yourself that you didn't see "it" from the beginning, especially when it's all so very glaringly obvious years later! 😢
Yes I’ve been educated so much about my narc husband of 43 years by Dr.C and things that were said to me and manipulate behaviour and gaslighting were alien words to me. I’ve learned and am paying attention to all the videos . Time for me to ditch the narc.
When things don't go the way they wanted to, they implode instead of learning from the experience and adapting and evolving. You have the ability to disconnect from them so their rage and frustration don't effect you. That is your boundary📴 to disconnect.
So true - my Mom, on a good day, took pity on me and said "Not everyone thinks like you!" A tiny confession 😢🤷♀️💯
Yep!
One of the Golden Moments when they give a crap.
Sounds like she was giving a tiny dig there. Mine said I think too much. If she had, had forethought my life and her life would have been better. Instead she would rather do a put down. She also likes to 'think' for me!
Ex said exactly the same thing!
Mine and my siblings constantly tell me " you are not like the rest of the family"....I worked for 14 yrs on he road then moved to SW to be away from them...
This is a clear blueprint from Dr. C. He's always spot on with his expertise & analysis. As he went through the list, I am sitting here like, "yep, yep, yep, yep". From my experience dealing with a covert narc co-worker, please realize nothing you say or do can change them, or their behavior. Consider setting up clear boundaries, or even going no contact if possible.
You make sense.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You make more sense, Dr C.. Appreciate your insightful, caring videos.
Just reading comments, I'm struck by the swath of destruction these people leave in there wake. How many lives one person impacts as they keep moving on their own life path. We always have the choice what to leave as our legacy yet this is what they choose. I for one know I can do better, I can choose to leave happiness, joy, love, and respect for others. Namaste
Namaste.
#8. Oh, man ... once that starts, anyone with experience knows the feeling of waiting for that myopic darkhouse beam to fall your way. for sanity, I've learned to go into "RockLight"mode. Stand firm in silent truth.
I just realized what I thought was my bestfriend is definitely not. She lives 5 hours away and when we make plans for me to come visit the past 3 times she has bailed on me I have already taken time off and rearranged my schedule etc so the last time she pulled this was Labor day weekend. I finally confronted her and she said I was selfish and did not understand and that my feelings did not matter. It hurt but I will pick myself up and learn from this experience and know what to accept and not accept from people from thus point on. Thank you for all you're helpful videos Dr. Carter
OH I HOPE YOU READ MY COMMENT
Good morning, and I just came across your videos yesterday.
WOW… I need to tell you, that you are amazing at how you present all of this. I have never seen such an amazing way. I love the fact that you show and teach the etiquette so a person doesn’t become like the narcissist. Many leave this out and this is so awesome and amazing! God bless you. I spent yesterday just watching a lot of your videos.
From JANESVILLE, WI
Wow, thank you! Glad to know you're on board. I'm pleased to join you on your journey.
Welcome Cynthia, and I couldn't agree with you more.
Dr. C is the best, and you'll soon see that no matter how many hundreds of thousands of people tell him that, he remains humble, consistent, and full of empathy and compassion for this community.
Truly a gift from God.
God Bless You Cynthia.
You have described EXACTLY what I went through. Not knowing narcissists existed, wondering what I was doing wrong, silent treatment for months, criticism, belittling and eventually depressing me to the point I asked God to take my life. When their verbal and emotional abuse became physical, it was a blessing in disguise because he slipped up in front of others and the police were called. I was able to get...him...out. The lights began to come on, the clouds lifted, and I never looked back. I hurt a lot but I learned a lot. After years of therapy, exercise, and self care, I've put myself together again. A tiny piece of me still feels broken, and I hear his condescending voice in my head at times, but I'm proud of myself and victory over that bad period of my life. That person is more miserable than ever, even 20 years later. Thank God for people like you with the wisdom, care, and ability to share all you know about narcissists and how to survive them. Thank you.
And you have described almost exactly what I have been through, and still am, except he hasn’t been physical with me, and I always thought if only he was, just once, and that would be it, I’d have him by the short and curlies!! I’m not downplaying the severity of physical abuse btw, but 30 years of this invisible covert narcissistic abuse has taken its toll and I’m sick of the enablers and those who he has manipulated so he can play the victim card 😢
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes):
0:55 In healthy personalities, there are so many characteristics that come to the forefront and would stay consistent. Healthy individuals are honest. You don't have to worry if they are messing with you or playing you. Healthy people reliable, approachable, available, conscientious (they make decisions with the good of the group in mind). They have courtesy. They are authentic. What you see is what you get. They are tuned in to you. And other characteristics, too.
1:30 Narcissists want to have the appearance of being healthy, especially the covert narcissist. "I don't really want to be all that, but I want you to think that I'm that way." They can give you appearances that make you think they are on your team, when in fact, beneath the surface, they are driven by their own selfishness and scheming and haughty attitude and simmering frustration, etc. They simply don't want you to see it.
2:10 Narcissists look toward you for narcissistic supply. They want you to prop up whatever desires they have. Over time you will see certain patterns and trends that will tip you off that you are dealing with a schemer. Here are 10 of the most common ways that a covert narcissist will betray you and illustrate that they are strictly into themselves.
3:00 ONE - They will create a false positive regard up front. They are already playing you, you just don't know it. They appear friendly and want to know things about you. Part of the betrayal aspect is that this is data gathering. The more they know about you, the more they can work their schemes.
3:55 TWO - They can start out as seeming to be loyal, but over the long haul, they don't live up to the hype. Loyalty goes one way, and it's not from them towards you. They can seem to be interested and to want to connect, but then it's like, "I thought we were tuned into each other. I thought that you really cared about me." Over time, that sense of loyalty from them fades, yet they want you to be available and loyal to them. The shine wears off quickly.
4:45 THREE - Criticisms regarding you will begin creeping into conversations. Often criticisms come under the guise of concern. "I don't think this is the best thing for you." (MY NOTE: How devious this is, to insult and belittle someone while trying to come off as a loving person.) They whittle away at your sense of resolve, or your interests, or your preferences.
5:25 FOUR - They can lie by omission. Over time, you begin realizing that there are significant things that they didn't tell you about. They can appear to be virtuous, but then you learn that behind the scenes there are a lot of hidden things. They may appear to be super-moral, but when they are with a different crowd, they are like a chameleon that shifts colors. They don't tell you about it, but over time you discover that there are certain things there that they didn't let you know up front.
6:15 FIVE - They eventually become reluctant to compliment you. The might start out pleasant and friendly, but over time that fades. Sometimes they can just brush you off. Over time, they are reluctant to tune into you, to uplift you, to be a positive presence with you.
6:45 SIX - They don't give good apologies. In their mind, they are thinking, "I don't really owe you an apology." You realize they don't take responsibility for their flaws. In doing so, they betray the relationship with you.
7:25 SEVEN - They are dismissive in general with regard to things that you like and things that you do. If you bring up something of interest to you, they may look at you blankly and say, "Okay." They let it be known, "I'm not tuned into that. I don't care about that." (MY NOTE: Claire somehow trying to pull off being 'nice' but also dismissive at the same time, obviously implying that the fault lies with you being 'too insignificant'.) They don't ask follow-up questions. They don't seem to want to know why you feel or perceive things the way that you do. They have this passive resistance.
8:10 EIGHT - Increasingly, you will notice how they criticize other people, and you're next. They 'other' people. People are either in the group or not in the group. They have an attitude of exclusivity. What are they saying about you behind your back? Part of the betrayal is that they have this criticism in general, and you realize that you are part of the 'in general'.
8:55 NINE - They will fish for compliments, even as they offer you few. "Hey, something really great happened to me today." They want you to regale them. "Don't you like the way I handled this?!" "I won this award. I don't want anyone to know about it, but it was a pretty big deal." Of course, they do want everybody to know about it. They are hungry for positive affirmation, even as they tend not to give it. In doing so, they are letting you know it's all about them, although they won't say that.
9:40 TEN - The are consistently unwilling to receive input. They are so full of themselves that they can't stand the thought that you wouldn't think that way too. So when you come along with something you want them to know or with a problem, it's like, "I don't want to hear about. Quit trying to control me." or "That's not what happened. Let me tell you what happened."
10:20 There are these micro-betrayals. As they pile up, you know that you are dealing with a covert narcissist.
10:35 Covert narcissism is built upon passive-aggressive anger. They carry a lot of frustration on the inside, with you or with the world. When you don't cater to them, it really bothers them.
10:50 Covert narcissists want to feel like they are in control, but with the least amount of vulnerability. They don't want to show their cards and let their thoughts and real intentions be known.
11:00 They have many double standards. They would rather invalidate and argue than try to understand you. They have an incessant need to be above you. It's part of their fear of being vulnerable. They like making you vulnerable, so it takes the attention off of their insecurities.
11:50 Your problem (i.e. in having been fooled by the covert narcissist) is that you don't think in manipulative ways, as the narcissist does.
13:55 Covert narcissists want to give the impression that they can do healthy relationships, but over time the patterns indicate otherwise. I'm hoping that over time you can see through their schemes and that you can commit to a healthy personality style.
Well summarized...thanks!!
🙂
I just 41 and am coming to terms with being raised by a covert narcissist dad. I’ve always wondered why I don’t trust anyone and will literally spend countless thoughts on figuring out everyone’s scheme. It could be my dog scheming for food - he certainly can’t just love me and want to be near me( wants a treat)- or my wife’s or kids affection towards me. There must be a catch too it. Needless to say the reality of not having felt a real positive emotion from someone- love, affection, support - without writing it off as a scheme to get something - has hit really hard the past couple of days. Still trying to find a therapist and start unpacking. These videos are helping me understand and make sense of why im so messed up. Thanks for sharing these videos and shining some light on this foggy existence.
Glad the videos resonate! And I hope you can connect with a good therapist.
It really does feel foggy, confusing, and full of self-doubt, doesn't it. With each month, with the help of amazing Dr. C and others, you will feel more and more confident in your observations and knowings. There is freedom if you can eventually find that place where you could walk away (even if you don't walk away).
I cannot listen to you speak so eloquently without truly believing you are talking about my husband who I believe to be a narcissist with very covert behaviours. Everyone loves him. I’m the ‘crazy’ wife.
I love your videos. They give me validation and I never ever feel crazy or confused when listening to you. Thank you Dr C ❤
Mine always said:" I am very authentic" and always touched her heart while saying so.
Let me tell you, she was anything, but.
Thank you Dr. C! Dismissive, that seems to be a very key word in covert narcissism in my experience. They don't come out and say, well that's dumb. They just act like whatever you said doesn't register as worthy of acknowledgment. Subtle but effective means of conveying a message.
spot on! And if they have a power dynamic over you and you live in their house, you don't become a person anymore because your voice is not heard. It was so bad that I didn't tell them about a family member's suicide in case they found it too boring or dismissed it.
In the presence of narcissism, you find yourself fading like an old photograph, a shadow of who you know yourself to be. I recall not sharing anything of importance or value too, knowing it would never be understood or appreciated. Unfortunately, the world is so riddled with narcissism, I try to keep my own counsel for the most part.
@Surviving Narcissism - Thank you for your time with your videos. I have suspected for over a year, I have unfortunately been dealing with a covert in my romantic life. He has been in and out of my life for over 5 years. I am decent; loyal and honest, wanting to see the best in people, and have given him way too many chances. He claims to be a gentleman; easy going; laid back - yet everything has to be on his terms, when he is available. He admits he likes being able to do what he wants with people. He has repeatedly told me he doesn't owe me anything. When I refuse to do something, his mask slips and his unkind side comes out. I have often said to him he is a chameleon. I was married to a full-on narcissist, so absolutely dismayed after 8 years of not allowing men in my life, so I could completely heal, the next and only man I felt I had connected with, was this covert. Where are all the good, balanced men? What has happened to society @Surviving Narcissism?
I hope you have gotten out of this relationship by now . Wishing you the best ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Just want to say, whenever I am watching one of your videos and I start to feel triggered....my gaze goes directly to your dog (Is Gus his name?) and I immediately start to calm down. 🐶❤
Gus has that effect. He used to go to my therapy office with me, too.
Peace and reciprocity is all I want. He doesn't care about what's going on in my life, only what I can do to improve his. I wish I knew this before, but there are some things you only learn over time and taking chances with your heart. Which I did, and he destroyed it. I think he enjoys doing it too. I feel l've invited the devil into my life, and I can't get rid of him. :(
I also like to call conscientious, reliable, tolerant and honest people healthy)
Dr. C, these 10 subtle behaviors fit my family's covert narcissist. It's been 30 years of insincerity, manipulation and bullying with this guy. I even made the mistake a 5-6 years ago of trying to get him to make the relationship better, meaning more 'two-way' (this was before I knew it was narcissism.) He wouldn't even acknowledge the request (email); all he said was that I was the controlling one who wanted to be "alpha". I could almost taste the projection... and then started the devalueing stage. Anyway, I feel like an idiot for not recognizing the narcissism a long time ago, but I just wasn't aware. I thought 'narcissism' was just a lazy insult... so wrong, it's a family-destroying disorder. Now he's discarded me and taken my sister (his wife) with him. I'm not a religious man, but I find myself praying he gets hit by a bus, and the bus stops and backs up over him a few times just to be sure. 🤗
You must not kick yourself for not using knowledge in the past that you didn't yet have. It is perfectly normal to have angry reactions and fantasies after being devalued, abused and discarded. It just means you are human. Please be kind and gentle to yourself as you continue to heal. His day is coming, even if you are not there to witness what happens, his day is definitely coming. Take care.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you. I always knew he was controlling, and overly reactive, and could not take on any new information provided by someone else, but I just thought he was a JERK. I wish I had spent more time figuring out His narcissism back then,as much of the aggravation could’ve been avoided.
Of course, now I see all the times that he was clearly manipulating me and my family, trying to take the upper hand as if he were the patriarch of OUR family, although that is far from the truth as he is almost unanimously disliked by my family. When things blew up two years ago, he demanded an apology for my part. As a reasonable person I gave it to him. He then declined to take any accountability for his part as I now see, he just wanted to punish me and use the apology against me to claim everything was my fault. The guy is Air Force Academy washout from pilot training, and I think it’s likely because of his narcissistic personality disorder (military wouldn’t want to give a $30 million jet to a narcissist, now would they?). He even lied about why he was pushed out, he said it was a heart murmur, it was not. That too became part of his false-self and backstory lie. He became a middle level, city bureaucrat, and I became a tenured full professor. He clearly hates me for that. All I can do is move on and let my sister go as collateral damage. I don’t have control over this.
Boy, I know JUST how you feel. My son in law put a gun to my daughters head several years ago and told her she was stupid. She must have caught him doing something. Since then, it has been his only goal to make everyone else (especially me) the problem...taking away our support systems by any means possible. He may finally be on the radar of the authorities....and I hope their bus runs over him several times, as well.
You're so right. It took time, but eventually I did see patterns. We would spend hours talking about his things. When It became my turn he would be busy within a few texts. He would be a jerk and rude and would gaslight to get out of it. After awhile he would say it was a misunderstanding and he can be better. I dont know why it took me so long but I finally saw that If it were going to be better it would have by now. It was 15 years of this and he never really changes. Im there to agree with him 90% of the time and if I dont I hear about it. He can mock me 90% of the time though and if I dont take it im too sensitive. He is insanely delusional, hypocritical, rude, obnoxious and dumb. I dont know how it took me so long to see it.
Forgive yourself for what you didn't know... I am choosing to believe that none of my narc abuse was my fault... It's not easy. Please take care of you..... You are worth it!!
Secrets! They expect detailed report about who do you talk to for how long, record of every cup of coffee you buy and in the same time live as a married single parson. Thank you 🙏 ❤Dr. C.
“Activities that do not include me!” 💯
Thanks Dr C for pointing out it covers hate, and its not just for self gain or manipulation.
God bless you so much. You’ve been helping an older mom who’s been going thru it with her 2 sons since 1996. I am understanding more now.
Yes when you understand about narcissistic people it’s easier to get through the s**** with them .
Most importantly you know your not the one with the problem. Best wishes ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Passive aggressive anger. You explanation of it is really making me understand my ex's behavior a lot better.