I spent over 45 years trying to figure out what was wrong. Thought I could fix someone. Thought I was going insane and almost did. You simply cannot talk to these people because you'll always walk away thinking what just happened. For me it was well the same thing that's happened 40 plus years. Nothing ever changes. Well for sanity sake I left at 66. For the past two years now I can finally look back and say. No I wasn't crazy.
@@jennywager6228 Welcome to that club! It took me 33 years. I always knew something was “different” but it was apparently my fault. Due to my upbringing, of course it was my fault and I kept trying to be a better spouse, bla bla bla. I also have very strong defense mechanisms and while my husband was out of town working, I was much happier and didn’t want to waste that time trying to figure everything out. Luckily we never had children, which I’m sad about yet relieved no children were harmed during this marriage 🤦♀️. We both retired early in 2015 and moved to Europe. That’s when everything got worse. 24/7 with no support network. I started googling things like ‘bullying’ and ‘difficult people’ which eventually led me to narcissistic personality disorder. All of a sudden, it felt like all the pieces of my life’s puzzle were falling into place. It was jaw dropping amazing and very painful. TH-cam was a huge help and particularly people’s comments. Some would explain how they felt and it was like they were reading my mind. It was odd for me to have strangers put into words exactly how I felt. It shook me to my core. Mind you I’m still stuck in this marriage because I feel tremendous guilt and responsibility towards my husband. I clearly understand what I am dealing with on an intellectual level but my trauma bond is strong. I’m working on myself and doing my best but it may take me a while yet. At least now, I know that I’m not a horrible person and can handle the rages, the manipulations, etc so much better and recently I was told that I had changed ( apparently not for the better ) and I took it as a compliment. The dynamic has also changed as I know that he knows that something is up. It’s still a mind game sadly but I now have some leverage, all the while understanding that I must tread carefully. I still can’t shake this feeling of pity because I know that he is a very broken person. Nasty, but broken.
Monica, your story sounds just like mine! I want to ask, do you ever stress over the fact that the end is close now? I do. I gave up everything for this person or types of people, and I feel lost in this new found freedom.
So I am not the only one who felt lonely in around one. The narcissist is Mother. My sisters are her flying monkeys. I always felt the loneliest in family situations. I couldn't fathom why. I am alone now........have been for 11 years. I don't feel lonely anymore now that I have cut them out of my life.
I'm leaving one now, screamed for two weeks to get the room I'm in now in our house. Now that I'm in a room finally, and have my own space, I'm planning my escape, getting stuff together, finding a place to move. Once I'm gone, I'm going to divorce and force the sale of the property. Also, she's been the only one working lately, and I'm very disabled, so I'll try for spousal support too. She's turned so evil now, losing control. This last part should be fun... ugh... My case is an odd one. I was with her for 7 years and they were all great. She was already 33 when we got together. She has some red flags, troubled youth, but we went through all sorts of stuff together, living in a little room together, got our own apartment, bought a condo, and it was all great. She never displayed any narcissistic tendencies at all. She went in for gastric sleeve surgery in Sep 2012. I kissed her goodbye, and little did I know, that would be the last time I saw her. She was never the same after surgery. There was a problem evident right away as she slept on codeine cough syrup recovering for 2 weeks... Right away, she started saying that I seemed like I was getting farther and farther away. I was hoping it was just the codeine or something, but I was worried, and so was she... When she finally got up and around and off the cough syrup, there were cognitive issues immediately noticeable. She was shifting around a lot between different personality styles I had never seen before at all. She was normally very solid. She would regain some awareness here and there and be scared at what she was saying or doing... She was paranoid about going to psych ward, and didn't go, and I tried to help her regain her equilibrium. It presented like BPD at first (which I studied very quickly as soon as it started happening). Totally insane dramas ensued over the next year... Then, in Feb 2014, she turned narcissistic and cold... I documented tons of things, mostly for myself, because everything got so crazy. So, unlike a lot of people, mine was not a slow progression. I felt that I needed to try to stay with her as long as I could for the 7 great years we had. I saw her disappear right in front of my eyes, mostly just in the first few weeks after surgery. The damage that was done was immediate. I still don't know if it would have happened anyway, and that was just the trigger. Anyway, I'm 10 years in now, and now having to end it. Almost did a few times, but found the courage to try longer... But, lost myself a bit, dying inside, and finally woke up when she went way over the top with something. Turns out, I had a limit after all. Disrespecting the dead... and wouldn't apologize. Turns out that's too far for me! I'm sad, but I lost my wife many years ago. I've been living with this dark passenger that destroyed my wife from the inside within the first year. I've basically been in hell for almost 10 years. Although very hurt, I did know what I was getting into... I did my best, and I can rest easy knowing that. She can fall to hell without me.
@@reallybigname I survived. I escaped. You should be careful. You will discover they aren't human in their reactions to your leaving. Whatever you leave behind is gone forever. They are spiteful & will destroy everything that you didn't take with you ! They track you down & the insanity, the psycho games continue. They make threats - with no witnesses. If you report them, they act innocent & you sound insane. They try to have you committed to a psychiatric hospital by telling a humungas pack of lies about you. They turn periodically to gloat as well. Apprehended Violence Orders from the courts only make you a prisoner. They ignore the court orders & everyone believes you are lying when you try to have them arrested & charged. Be strong, be brave, be courageous. Don't let the turkey win. It will be hard but you will love your freedom. You will love your peace of mind & your health will start improving when everything finally settles down. Don't believe the narcissist. You are not alone. You are one of a multitude out here in the real world & you will find kind people who are willing to step forward & help you in small ways. Above all keep positive. Good luck & blessings to you.
Setting and enforcing boundaries with your narcissistic parent - Losing $1 million inheritance Cutting contact with them - Losing entire extended family from slander campaign Having the narcissistic parent and her flying monkeys out of your life forever - Priceless
I was married to a narcissist for 6 long years, when things didn't go his way he threatened suicide. After the third time I went to the local hospital and begged for help. The psychiatrist made an appointment for the following day. The narcissist thought it was a big joke, he laughed, talked football and explained it was just helpless, fanciful, hysterical me- not him. I left the office in tears. Six weeks later he gassed himself in the car. He left a note directed to me. The local police sergeant, said I could see the note after the coroner had finished with it. When I went to collect the note he refused to give it to me. He said it was the most hateful thing he had ever seen and I should not have that hanging over my life for ever more. He destroyed the letter, for which I have been eternally grateful. After the shock of the suicide, the only emotion I had was one of relief and freedom - no more lies in my life.
My brother was a narcissist and shot himself last Monday. His wife's son and I were disappointed that he didn't leave us a note. Now I guess I'm grateful that he didn't. Thank you for sharing your story
Thank God for that officer. That would have been the narcissists last attempt at destroying you and you would NEVER have had any recourse for rebuttal. Praise God you are finally free🙏
Yeah the problem is that is exactly the playbook of the Narc themselves? “Love” to them is “self love”, and putting their priorities over yours, “Compassion” is the Hoover because “maybe you just needed to reflect on why they were right/value in your life”, And “distance” is ghosting/gaslighting. The problem is Narcs LIVE by instagram wisdom quotes, but they interpret the same message completely differently than you do.
@@ghost-user559 but is that really a problem? It seems to me if you know what YOU mean by those things and you're NOT devoting your energy to getting them to agree but just taking their actions as communication, this strategy gets you out of harms way very quickly- before they have their hooks in your life
@@tahiyamarome I agree with that if it’s only to escape the abuse, but what I mean is that all of these different channels are saying things like that, and ultimately I read a lot of these comments where the “victims” of this abuse are now completely self involved and hyper focused on all things Narcissism. They are saying they need “‘me time” and “everyone is a Narc, and I must be an Empath”. What that does is now THEY are actually becoming the Narcissist! They say things like “I don’t care if they live or die”, “good riddance”, or “I stopped talking to my family and now I feel great”, or “Narcs are not human, they have no souls!”. The strange thing is that the comments of all the victims on these channels are taking the “self healing” to such an extreme that they themselves don’t think about anyone or anything but themselves now. They have now become totally self involved and hateful. So I’m saying that mantras by themselves don’t work very well with broken people, because people are so hurt they want to cling to anything, including easy to memorize slogans and mantras. And in a way that is making people oversimplify themselves and their relationship to others. It’s becoming almost cult like on these anti Narc channels to the point of being unhealthy. I am not saying you are wrong, as long as a person can recognize that mimicking the Narc might be what it takes to escape the abuse. BUT if we lose ourselves and BECOME the Narc by mimicking them after we have escaped the abuse, then we can never truly escape because we are now emulating their exact behavior to cope. And if we continue to act like a Narc, eventually we will become one if we don’t recognize our behavior.
@@tahiyamarome So I am saying that if a person actually took that mantra to heart and was inflexible that THEY would be exhibiting Narcissistic behavior. And that’s the danger of dealing with them, is that now we have to be aware we now have internalized negative patterns of behavior that can easily corrupt good advice. Something as simple as “find your peace”, and some of these victims of abuse run off to live on a mountaintop in total isolation or join a cult. The same advice for a healthy person would be easy to recognize and not get carried away by, but what I am saying is people who are damaged by this abuse are taking mantras and slogans and actually causing more damage to themselves or others. To the point where someone has an honest and harmless difference of opinion and they now say “they are a Narc, so I went no contact”. So although for a balanced person that quote is decent advice, in a place full of damaged and vulnerable people, I don’t know if people realize they are becoming self centered and unreasonable themselves after internalizing the behavior of their abuser. Again you sound like you have self control and balance, so it’s probably just a good bit of advice you acknowledge is helpful to you. But I am seeing a lot of people that worry me, because now anyone who disagrees with them or doesn’t give them what they want is a “Narc”. They skip right to the third step in your quote because they don’t remember compassion or love as a feeling after the abuse. And so I would say most people in these comments are not ready to genuinely know the difference between who is actually a Narc, and who just disagrees with them and makes them feel uncomfortable, which is a normal human feeling that people naturally have when they disagree about something.
Oh goodness YES. It was a little confusing because I was so sad when it ended, but once he was gone even my (young) kids noticed how light & peaceful it suddenly was in the household… the weight being lifted (that I didn’t even know was there until it wasn’t!) was very eye opening indeed
Going through this right now. It's funny how what you wrote hit me as I'm going through it. It's like I now have permission to just be and to be happy, without needing my dad's "permission" or "approval" or to avoid his "disapproval". Life is so good with him not in it!
There’s a loaf of (mouldy) bread where their brain should be. That is why they’re incapable of: -self reflection -humour -active listening -acknowledging the nuances in a given situation -remorse -empathy -respecting personal boundaries -accountability for what they do
The flipside to this is, the longer you try (fruitlessly) to reach or help a Narcissist on any level, the closer you come to imploding yourself (especially if you're an Empath.) Exposure to their presence in any form is corrosive.
To me, these mythical empaths are just damaged people who lack boundaries and who have a diminished sense of agency and therefore are vulnerable or oversensitive to the emotional states of others. True empathy is an active skill you engage in willingly. The thing is not that narcissists are evil people who lack boundaries and empaths are good people who lack boundaries. The problem is the lack of boundaries per se.
@@seriouscat2231 I'd have to disagree with that generalized dismissive assessment. I'd characterize Empaths as beautiful & rare individuals (but not perfect people.) I would say the've a deeper emotional understanding, comprehension, and capacity than what is typical. Sure, empathy and compassion can be learned & taught to a degree, but perhaps Empaths have a greater natural-inclination in that direction. Narcissists in my view, are not 'evil people' by default (necessarily,) but they make very evil choices, and commit themselves to evil behaviors, patterns etc. At their root, they seek common elements such as validation, self preservation etc. Their issue, is that they pursue these things at the expense of, and without remorse or regard for others. At the most rudimentary levels, sure, people may be similar, but nuances in character, mentality, intention, compassion & morality distinguish people like night and day in this case.
@@krs1602, now I realized it. Empath is a female version of gamma males, who in turn are self-absorbed boys with victimhood and inferiority complexes, who envy everyone and never get anything done, behave passive-aggressively and secretly consider themselves very charming and unique. The thing is, because men are naturally competitive, the gamma male is mostly hated and despised. But women are given far more slack and this is why so many of them openly advertise themselves as special individuals. I have seen extremely confused and traumatized men do that too, but mostly it's been women.
@@seriouscat2231 Lack of boundaries is lack of boundaries and that's an issue. That part's true. The rest of it sounds a lot like the whole, "Why do you keep running into my fist?"-type of argument. Lack of boundaries by one person, empath or otherwise, doesn't justify cruel, abusive, predatory behavior on anyone else's part.
I blocked my narc and then saw they had tried to reach me 3x since the block yesterday and my stomach clenched and I spent the day sleeping to get away from the situation that had happened 2 months ago when I put my foot down. I’d been warned by several people I was being used then bam 💥 It was clear to me. No contact from me EVER again.
I made no contact with narcs for a few years and i have peace; however i knew these narcs had converted many lower IQ relatives into their zombies/minions(to act for the narcs) with their toxic mouth. shtf for me soon, wish me luck. those who go against narcs usually never end well, 100% became 'the villain' :(
@@spaideman7850 im at that point, myself I finally, figured out that my brother is evil hearted. It's more like anger and enraged.no matter how nice you're towards them. I saw incompetence, retardedness, extreme anger, for not doing what he told me to do, micromanaging to a next level. Now I'm just fed up and he's crossed my line one to many times. His lies and backstabbing is over, on my side. Any time he attempts to come see me in public, he will regret it.
Narcisists bring confusion, drama, chaos and trauma and that is why the relationships with them blow up. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter.
the relationships blow up...because they CAN'T be in a normal relationship...they have no empathy or awareness that they are mentally ill...it is a neurological disorder...it will not ever get "better"...just a sad situation for any person who becomes entangled with them
Concepts that a narcissist will NEVER understand: Communication. Cooperation. Compromise. To the narc, doing these things would mean they've lost control of their life. It's always ''My way or else!!"
It really highlights the transactional nature of their mindset. It feels like they are always keeping a balance sheet. From casual acquaintance work relationships to marriages, there's always a comparison an evaluation being scored.
Finally at peace in my life after going no contact with family members and friends who are narcissists. I will NOT trade the peace in my life now for anything like that ever again. It drives the narcissists crazy once you figure them out and go no contact...
Then they are mean to the low paid caregiver in the retirement home who has to wipe their arse. There should be a separate wing for narcs where they can take care if themselves
Some of the comments in this section break my heart. I'm in the process of ending a relationship with a narcissist that lasted a year and a half. I feel like a shell of a person. It's completely destroyed me, caused me issues with my physical health, destroyed my ability to create or connect with other people. Yet some of these comments talk about being trapped for 30, 40, 50 years with someone so heinously abusive. The idea of sticking around that long terrifies me. I'm so glad so many of you have found and are finding the strength to leave after so long. I feel completely broken after just 18 months. I can't imagine 18 years.
When it's your own Mother, you stick around year after year hoping that someday she'll see how terribly she has been treating you. Mom is 86 years old now and her covert narcissism has gotten so much worse. I can't do anything right and I'm a stupid and weak person for wanting equality and respect from her. I'm done with her but now have no support from extended family because she poisoned their minds with lies and half truths. It's so psychologically damaging...
My brother used to rap loudly on my bedroom door and then immediately pull the door open violently before I had a chance to say come in or anything else. He would then talk and talk about about whatever he wanted. It was a monologue. I would say yeah here and there. If I ever tried to say more than yeah he would get angry and shout don't interrupt me. I felt so confused. I didn't think I was an interrupting type but conversations usually involve two people
My husband and I are just living in a house as roommates, learning about Narcissism has made me understand his behavior and quit trying to make it work!
I wish I'd known about narcissism. I would have handled things different, but the fact he couldn't control me never worked for him and made me unhappy. We'll both be better off apart. His rage led me to leave along with his drinking and years of trying to control me. His eyes were black and he looked like he wanted to kill me. I had no idea what I was dealing with until after I left and started therapy.
It's a little unsettling when you hit the nail so perfectly. Three factors made me decide to minimize contact and, in the last few weeks, you have point blank used the exact wording of the three conclusions that brought me to where I am now. 1. They don't listen. 2. They don't learn (from mistakes). 3. They can not be honest with themselves (which means they are incapable of trust and intimacy). And accountability always ignites a maladaptive response like rage, flight or denial. They are so sadly predictable. Thanks for another great series of insights!!
Oh my gosh, you have hit the nail bang on the head! It is kinda funny(even though it can actually be upseting ti be on the recieving end of)when you watch these types just lose their shit and actually have an adult temper tantrum! I just wanna laugh in their face! So pathetic and no Self awareness or personal responsibility taken at all. All I can say is, No More, step away. X
They so do! It's so draining isn't it? I've never understood that mentality, it breaks me when people are like this. They think they are being 'discerning' and 'particular' when really they are just being bleddy awkward! 🤦♀️
It’s definitely exhausting. As I’m getting older, I find that minimising contact is great. Also, mindfulness and self-compassion help a great deal. It won’t save them, but it will definitely save your sanity. I highly recommend Kristin Neff and her self-compassion books. Also, have a look at childhood emotional neglect. Often, adults who have been exposed to extreme emotional neglect as children tend to want to fix others as they get older, and get drawn to narcissistic people by default.
I had 3 narcissists in my life as friends. I walked away from all of them and I'm so much happier. These videos have really helped. I would rather be alone than have one in my life. You can't help them. You can't confront them. They will never change.
You CAN confront them, but it never makes any difference. The only take away will always be that you are a shockingly horrible person for questioning their endless 180’s. When they decide that what they’re going to do now is exactly the opposite of what they insisted they were going to do earlier, the only acceptable response (to them) is mindless agreement. Life is too short to spend it watering a rock.
Well done, 👍. No more stress and anxiety, exactly what I had done to my 4 narcissists relations and 2 friends. They are forever comparing their stuff with others. Those people are really shallow beings.
Nope, it never gets better, no matter how much you sincerely demonstrate to them that you just want to have no power struggles and no mind games. They will still always try to one up you, and then turn around and accuse you of what they are doing. It is such an ugly sick reality to have to try to live in. Family or not it's just not worth it.
@@VioFax You’re not necessarily a narcissist at all, don’t worry. Even being concerned about it shows you’re less likely to be. You might be codependent though. When you’ve encountered several of them it’s true you can start wondering if you’re a narc yourself! It’s because they draw you into their obsession with themselves and their behaviour all the time, so the flip side of the same coin is a concern with your own behaviour. You spend a lot of time analysing your own behaviour with these people (in order to desperately try to feel better and deal with them), believe you me! I remember thinking ‘I’m the common denominator, so I’m the problem’ but if you spend time away from these people, detoxing from them and decompressing so to speak, you’ll find yourself and be able to heal properly. That’s when you can get strong and healthy, learn better boundaries, build some more healthy ones. You can’t do this whilst you’re still having to deal with these types of people on the daily though, for sure. Get away from those people and free yourself. There are quite a lot of them about, oh and people who haven’t addressed their own problems and are toxic in one way or another. There are good people out there though!
Everything you said is true. We do not need the narcisists drama, trauma and chaos they create. They implode and so do the relationships they create with people. We need to stay away from those hurtful and dangerous people. Thank you dr Carter.
I agree 100% but when it’s your children and then they have your grandchildren who you see getting hurt it’s truly impossible not to try to help them and then there you are right in the middle again.
Yes, they implode everything in any situation!!! I just ended an almost 9 yr relationship with one. He immediately went back to his first ex, who deals with him!!
Well to some degree you are right, and to some degree this might make you more naive, so when the scammers show up in your life, you dont know how to handle them. We need narcisists to make us capable of dealing with narcisists...
I left my covert narcissist wife, who is also an alcoholic, last month. I'm alone, watching this video while reading texts from her that are saying so much of the things you said they'd say! Great work.
I heard ALL about all the “crazy” ex girlfriends and wife. Long detailed descriptions of how they all used him, took advantage of his generosity, they were all on medication for emotional issues, blah blah, blah. I soaked it in and thought I’LL be the one who makes him happy. Whelp….I realize that all the ones before me suffered from the same evil I did. HE was the common denominator. Narcissists are kryptonite to empaths.
I did as well. His ex wife became mentally ill (substance abuse). I'm thinking he made her that way. His girlfriend of 8 years left and he said she had BPD. Wonder what he's telling the new supply about ME. Whatever. Just want this divorce done and him a distant memory. A rebound marriage. Big mistake on my part.
@@marciflanagan5829 , same here. Rebound relationship. This is the one it took to learn my pattern of wanting to “fix” or be the angel for hurt men. It’s an act to snare people like me. I’m DONE wanting to be partnered. I’m focusing on me and my kin now. I’m not built for chaos and mental mayhem. 😌
It's even worst as their hypocrisy has no bounds. I know a narc who cheated on his gf repeatedly and with multiple women when she was out of town. He got one of the women pregnant, but convinced her to abort. Another woman he got pregnant, he couldn't convince to get abortion. It was pregnancy with second woman that got him caught when by then he had already gotten engaged to his first gf. The woman he got pregnant family insisted they get married and so did his. Eventually, he cheated on her while they were married. So she started cheating on him. When he found out, did he think well I have done many times and was even doing during marriage also? No. He went ballistic on her. This seems to be their thinking. They do harm to others but see no wrong. One injury on them and they go to righteous anger.
not only relationships. the narc I know has tried all types of business projects and can either never see them through, or gets derailed by his own actions, yet somehow can very convincingly shift the blame to someone else.
Put up boundaries and they go nuts. If you are able to articulate to others what the abuser is doing, they will try to ostracize you while maintaining plausible deniability. Start recording your conversations with that person and then you will have evidence and a defense against gaslighting.
I have been married to a narcissist for over 30 years. I have survived through my commitment to my work, but, now diagnosed with a terminal cancer, I cannot afford to leave the relationship. The constant put-downs, with every bad thing being my fault, is driving me down. I still cling to the knowledge that I am worthwhle, despite what I am being told.
You ARE not only worthwhile but you're worth being adored, CHERISHED. I wish I could reach through the Internet and just wrap my arms around you. Just wait until you get to meet Jesus, (or whatever you want to call the Warm Light that everyone talks about being over there,) and just can hardly wait for you to experience when He wraps His loving arms around TOTALLY Lovable YOU. It's all gonna be alright. I don't technically know you, but I hear your call for help, and have been there, so I love you: honest. Hold your head high and pray in your heart, and I pray for you, to find comfort and to feel how TRUE it is that you are UTTERLY worth being cherished.
You are Indeed “worthwhile”! ❤ I pray that you find a way to separate from her while you are going thru this. It doesn’t have to culminate in a divorce (for insurance or ??). But you need to be with family or friends that will wrap their arms around you and say loving things while they hold your hand. That is why I left my narc at 61 because I was afraid to have to lay at the end of my life with no emotional love from the man that I love.
I am a 49 year old man. I’m an entertainer in the Bay Area. My Paint & Sip shows are very popular. I have only recently realized that I am a narcissist and have decided to work hard to change it. It has taken me a long time to find these videos as I have spent about a year in solitude learning and cultivating bonsai. Learning to just shut up. Learning to listen. I will admit that all the comments are correct: I was impossible. I lost a great many relationships and treasures due to my hubris. After I lost everything I realized it must be me. I started the journey inward. The trees help me. Now, I watch these videos as I paint. My job is teaching people to paint while we drink wine. I cuss a lot and they clap. A rated R Bob Ross. Finding the balance of when to use my ego is hard. I’m constantly reflecting in meditation. My path is long. I just wanted to share. If you are with a narcissist There is no getting through to them. They have to find it within to change. I have not had therapy yet but look forward to it. -recovering Narcissist
I left my husband 50 years ago after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids. It was tough, but if anyone asked, I would say that I never regretted my decision. I feared I would hurt myself if I stayed. That is the depth of despair I felt after 15 years with him. But of course he took over from my mother who was herself a covert narc. She groomed me well to be attracted to someone just like her. So that equals 41 years living with the crap they put out. Today at 84 I am still in therapy because I'm committed to finding the peace and full self regard that I deserve. Some days I can say I'm happy; other days I still struggle. But I still say that I've never regretted my decision.
I am 20 years your junior, though relate. Ross Rosenberg helped me understand the dynamic well, and much of his work is also on YT. Dr. C did a YT interview with Ross, a psychotherapist and expert on narcs and self love deficit. Love and light to you...
I managed to spare myself the long and unhappy marriage. The relationship I'm currently breaking away from was a year and a half of nightmare. I spent all of it living in a haze. I could never feel myself. My feelings were blocked out. I can't imagine how much worse it could've gotten. I'm 22 - I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. I know you posted this a year ago, but your story is giving me strength during a really difficult time. Thank you for sharing it.
I think you've got the nail on the head. That's why I get into trouble in my family (and with others) because there's something in me that can't play the game. They say I am a stirrer. I just can't tolerate the subtle boasting, superiority and false self that they create and call it out. They say I am passive aggressive and stirring. I say I am a truth teller.
@@snowbear1877 You're speaking my kind of truth there. It irks me when people have to constantly 'humble brag', which eventually leads to boasting, and they'll gather as many acquaintances they can as an audience for it without ever having an actual friend, because actual friends call them out on it and force them to be honest with themselves, which they can't handle. Imagine going through life and spending all your energy to hold up a mask? They really don't have a clue.
When you walk into a narcissists life, you are walking into their story, where they are the protagonist and you’re just a storyline to pull out and use to make them look better or feel better.
I must have said a thousands time to the Narcissist, "Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I wasn't listening to you." I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. It wasn't me. When I left my life did a 180 degree turn for the better and I realized how much he was holding me back.
The qualities about two narcissists that have caused me to pull back to low/no contact are the devaluation and rudeness. I've taken it for years. Reached my breaking point.
40 caregiver mother 😖! Got me a social worker and blocked her from everything because she not only ruined my life she's now doing it to my 19 Year old son. They are fuckin lunatics.
I had a rule from after I left home, if people cannot speak respectfully I was not having contact. Now and again I'd make contact and if it was more shouting and screaming, back in the box. They are infuriated by it but it's saved me a lot of fresh hurt. I figured why did I need more hurtful material when I have plenty in the old stuff? That said, they really hate me. I mean, disinherited several times. I try but then I give up. Lately my alcoholic sister has joined them but I know I'm constantly reviewing myself and trying to improve as a person. They really hate that!
I had to continually submit to my sister. My parents would inforce it partially due to feeling sorry for her! I broke free and found my voice at 50 yrs old. I then saw her rage against me. People say she's jealous I am not sure about that. My siblings and I want to see my mothers past bank accounts and see what really happened to her money. She put a stop to it. We are get a court order. Playing chess and my siblings are giddy with happiness to finally stick it to her. Stay tune
The stresses of the last couple of years have really accelerated narcissist implosions. Those of us who can adapt to changing circumstances and regulate our emotions have been able to persevere, and even grow stronger. The narcissists, not so much.
My ex-son-in-law is a covert narcissist and sociopath, with all the characteristics that you describe. My daughter kicked him out but he convinced the courts that he was the victim and was awarded 50:50 parenting. We are trapped as he is abusing the kids, grooming and weaponising them. They are totally traumatised and we have no choice but to stay to help and support these very sad children. Most people write about the trauma that they experience at the hands of the narc but few understand the pain of having to remain involved in order to try to support kids. The court system is a bad joke and is easily exploited by the narcissist.
I've wondered why this is hardly mentioned. Similar situation here. There is no way to ever be rid of the narcissist when having to co-parent with them. They are the last people on earth that should have any part of raising children. And the courts..well, most lawyers and judges are narcissist.
Been going through this exact experience for the last 10 years. As a warning to others, when my oldest turned 18, he took all his belongings and went "back to dad's" while I was out of town. No warning, whatsoever. He checked himself into a mental facility (with dad's knowledge and blessing) and ghosted me. His dad wouldn't tell me where he was "because he's 18 and legally I can't." Mind you, he was still in high school, straight A student, with plans for the future. He almost didn't graduate because of this. He has subsequently train-wrecked his whole life and I've been gray-rocked. One week ago, my 16 year old has also vacated while I was out. Also ghosted me. The narcissistic parent will never stop causing damage to those kids. And the way the "system" works just gives all the power and control to the narcissist. I've been told that, at some point, you HAVE to just walk away. I've walked on eggshells around the narc, fought with everything I had for those kids, to keep them safe and keep this from happening, yet, here I am. 😢
For me, blocking and no contact has been the key to getting out of that toxic cycle with the narcissist. Every day I have nothing to do with him I feel stronger.
I feel like a representative of another group of people who might stay with a narcissist for a long time. I attended a very conservative church and divorce seemed to be the unpardonable sin so I did my best to stay together. I believed that I was being a good wife, but what I wound up doing was enabling my abusive husband. After 27 years of marriage and 5 more years of separation I am divorced. My former church still supports my ex husband and believes that if I would have been more loving and respectful things wouldn't have ended so badly. I'm working through the slow process of grieving the loss of friends and a good reputation, but I'm in a much safer and healthier place. Thank you for another great video of support!
"But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat." 1Cor5:11 Railer --. one who rails; one who scoffs, insults, censures, or reproaches with opprobrious language. Extortioner - the act of using violence, threats, intimidation, or pressure from one's authority to force someone to I don't know how you managed it. I only lasted 3 months. Remember you were exceptionally strong to stay, now you don't have to be so strong. Instead be exceptionally kind to yourself, like unto a little precious child.
This deception to Others: One-on-one, a Family System, or, a Group of people… Is EXACTLY WHY, we were given the Commandment, “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” It destroys lives. I now wonder… Where do those stand in the eyes of God (He is Real), that, “Believe False Witnesses?” If both sides have NOT BEEN HEARD, then, how can a person make a correct decision? Being a decent person… I refuse to Defend Myself of the absurd… Let the unknowing join the ranks of 2nd layering of “Flying Monkeys.” I recently watched a NDE TH-cam, where groups of people that knew each other on the earth… Were in Hell together! Some, for not Forgiving each other… I have a hard time forgiving in the ‘Midst of Being Stabbed in the Heart, having my Every Word, Twisted & Lied to a Room full of people/children (even worse), & then blamed for that Very Lie… Stealing My Belongings, is supposed to be - My Misunderstanding, etc. So, as painful as it is to Not Be Able to See my “Little People,” I do not want to engage w/the Devil! Talk about Control: Liars, controllers, manipulators, have Democratic Control… The Chains of Hell are about their Necks! So Sad! No Contact becomes mandatory, when the Narc has set-up a system for 100% Failure, w/ 100% compliance of their Flying Monkeys! I refuse to acquiesce to evil…. To be pulled in… Just to be Slammed-Down! Made to look like the responsible one of “intrapersonal difficulty.” Recently w/a therapist that “Has No Concept, of this dynamic… I wanted to say (but didn’t), ‘I will not kiss the a_ _ of evil! The Flying Monkeys -They know exactly what they are doing: Trying to keep peace w/ their Devil in the home. They have taken the BRIBE of the Future Faking Promises. They have “Sold Their Souls!”
Oh girl I feel for you! All the flying monkeys in church. Ugh. I divorced my abusive husband and now I’m also divorcing the church with all the judgmental flying monkeys as well. I’m currently looking for a group of people I can worship with who will accept me and where I feel I belong. Unfortunately churches can be full of narcissists too and many many pastors are high on the spectrum. Best wishes to you. You absolutely did the right thing getting out! There is a much better life on the other side!
THIS IS MAJORRRRRR 🥳🥳🥳🙌🙌🤯 please take a minute to pat yourself on the back again. It’s a Father forgive them for they know not what they do type thing. I had to forgive my former pastor and members because of similar. They really feel that way and that they are reading the Bible right. I was one who said hold up nope when this MAN stands before God I will NOT be standing with him. We all are responsible for our own behavior and no such thing as if you would’ve had more sex or loved him more. I’m in year two/half of therapy 👑❤️👏 and two years NO CONTACT just divorced Nov and it helped me heal so muchhhh. It was just me and God and to see the true reason why our marriage never went anywhere was mind blowing. Evil narcissist but then God showed me myself too. A people pleaser with no boundaries enabling a grown man and getting walked over. I call it exactly what the situation was ABUSE and I taught my kids by leaving it is not ok. He had a mistress in their lives two months after we separated which means they were there all the time. It’s sad but I’m freeeeee. Enjoy your freedom and peace of mind. It is priceless to get a second chance.
I've been fortunate to be able to witness a few of these such implosions and it's hilarious. Imagine a kid going exorcist mode at the mall cause his mom didn't get the toy he wanted, something like that.
@@rosemadder5547 The end result of them going ham is negative but their over the top performance is what's funny. After years of seeing the bs I felt morally obligated to call out my sister's husband for being a narc and a wannabe thug and he went full exorcist on me, the whole nine yards, his fragile ego got crushed.
I actually told my ex gf after having one of her meltdowns that she was like a 3 year old screaming in a candy store or toy store... Nothing to scream about but yet it happens all the time! I am finally out of that nightmare and with a wonderful woman now...
I remember googling "doesn't learn from mistakes" about year 5 into my marriage. I watched my husband constantly over and underestimate his level of planning or preparation for things which almost always resulted in poor outcomes. He never assessed what he could do differently for better results. The google results said "personality disorder..." I thought it was interesting because he would have a different personality in public then at home. Little did I realize at the time that "it" is way more complicated than that. Year 15 is approaching and I'm just now realizing the scope of everything and why we never grew or flourished in love or finances. Being more aware now helps me not fall for the punishment traps or grief. Definitely ready to pack up and 'move along'.
Gosh. The personality disorder is interesting My son (pain in butt) with us whole life I walk into his new in laws first time AND OMG..... WHO THE HELL IS THIS He was like he'd just dropped in from planet Wonderful Kind Decent Curtious Smiling Helpful Like I said WTHell BTW 2nd wife same. Unfriendly to me. Then the perfect daughter How phoney people can be It's imploded. Sent me not 1 not 2 but 3 so far dreadful soul destroying emails Gone NO Contact Now bad mouthing me Breath.... Relax.... True friends know me Be safe. 💖
I've been a narc magnet most of my life. Some were mildly annoying, some I'd just go along to get along, I divorced my ex because he became unbearable, some were friends, some were family... quite the variety. I have walked away from so many in the past few years, it's been refreshing. I've had to walk away and go Grey rock for my own sanity. And I've never been happier and more at peace than I am now. I've been married to my wonderful non narc husband now for almost 17 years. Life is great when I finally realized it was NOT me, I'm not responsible for fixing them and I can't fix people who don't think anything is wrong with them and they don't need fixing. Problem solved!! They move on to another empath and I wish them well, but I do not take it on any more!!!
Sadly, this describes my mother completely. Unfortunately, I can’t step away- she’s 95, has dementia, and I’m the only person responsible for her. I was able to put her in a memory care facility, where they provide the assistance she needs, and thereby limiting the amount of time I have to deal with her.
My daughter works in a nursing home. The minute the families of these horrid excuses for human beings can they put them into a facility where they continue to scream,dictate,throw tantrums,threaten everyone. Strange how the family won't answer their phone calls or come to see them. They hit,bite,kick and generally lash out until the end. I think of the guy in the Bible who threw himself into the fire. I fear some of this may be Demonic but then Jesus cast demons out so maybe they need deliverance. They just seem to get worse with age.
my mother is 86 and ive just written to her telling her to leave me alone completely, (i would describe the letter as brutal but honest. told her its over and i never want to see her again) i even told her i know about her childhood abuse , because your wonderful daughter , the golden one, has told everyone, i called her an idiot at one point , it was wonderful but almost as wonderful as the silent phone since then. i am suprised the shock of the letter didnt give her a coronary. but theres stll time
Imo that makes you a great person. When your mother passes you'll have the peace of mind knowing that you did the honorable thing even if she wasn't deserving.
"Grieve the loss of a relationship that was never really going to happen in the first place."....wow that's exactly what happened with me...I was grieving and know I know why...and I appreciate this channel as I see that I am not alone in this experience. Thank you Dr. Les.
I can relate. I never had the mom that I thought was going to materialize someday.....the person who "depicted" a great teacher, a guidance counselor, etc. The version she showed to the outside world was so nice and caring. I kept thinking she would become a caring, EMPATHETIC mother. She is gone now. I am so glad I learned about narcissism before she died. In understanding her mental condition, I was able to care for her as a patient into her last years. It took maintaining solid boundaries, and her finally realizing that I was her ONLY person. She treated me better, knowing she was finally dependent on me to live out her last years. Though I knew it was a self-serving niceness, I took it for what it was and was able to function well. I knew what I needed to do to act within my values. She died a year ago. I wasn't either sad or glad, just flat. i had already grieved the mom I never had years ago, and I was glad I did.
This may seem weird to most people, but one thing that helped me is making videos and then watching and listening to myself. It's incredible how therapeutic this has been. I would say that it is similar to keeping a journal and then going back and reading your thoughts later. But watching your facial expressions when you really mean it adds depth. Our bodies have been trying to tell us things during the entire relationship. And we shut this voice down and created a paradox in our mind. Maybe it will work for you. Spilling your guts to your camera and then watching the video later can be a good repellent for a trauma bond. I find myself being angry at myself for how much I hurt myself. In the end, a relationship with a narcissist is like masturbation. All they ever were were your best qualities reflected back at you and all you were becoming was their worst inner qualities which you absorbed. You made them up to hurt yourself. And it worked.
This is the BEST doctor on the topic of narcissism! I so appreciate his validation of the pain I’ve suffered with narcissists literally ALL of my life.
Here too 😌 like a curse , as well as having been cursed with talent gifted that was admired as well as envied hated you can't win , an why is all this coming out now this has been going on for generations , Joseph Stalin Hitler .. read up what happened in Russian revolution ... All related to narcissists.
You and a few other TH-cam creators have saved my life. I look at what I've learned, it's a gift that just keeps giving and this content is worth so much more than money. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 💜
I wracked my brain for decades as to how I could fix my relationship. As I learned, there is no fixing of a narc relationship, which I learned on TH-cam. That is something so valuable. Now my intellectual understanding is in line with what my body was telling me for decades.
I can relate to the nonsensical behavior. First, I got sued for $40K, for work they planned to do without my permission that never happened. Then as a defense to that, they claimed it was because I owed them money for a loan they took out, only to have their own records show it was a loan to buy land that had nothing to do with me or where I live. Now they say it's just because they don't like how I live my life, because I fell into a good business opportunity that I am doing rather well at they cant get their controlling little fingers in. Presently their own lawyer is pressuring them to settle out of court because they are probably going to get wrecked if things go in front of a judge. It's just been a shit show of self-owning stupidity from their side from day one.
A lot of people DON'T think this happens... I was ALSO almost murdered by my MD ex husband...I found out he and his best friend were murdering patients at Charity Hospital in New Orleans...it took 3 years to get ANYONE to investigate it...during which time they arranged to have me murdered by mob NOPD... It took divine intervention to stay alive..long story short...THEY GOT AWAY WITH THE PATIENT MURDERS.. BUT the MAIN NOPD psychopath went to federal prison on a fraud conviction based on evidence given to me by good NOPD who were terrified of the mob NOPD... LIFE IS REALLY WEIRD AND UNFAIR..BUT YOU MUST PUT THEM AWAY IF POSSIBLE BECAUSE THEY CAN BE MURDERERS!!!!
@@kims2963 BULL!!!! This idea/attitude of transferring the consequences of their behavior onto something or someone else for “ultimate judgement” is literally ENABLEMENT. These monsters get away with everything they do because no one holds them accountable in the here and now. SMH.
It's never their fault. Never. Always someone else's. If you are in a bad relationship ask yourself this: Have they ever admitted even the slightest bit of true remorse? You would know true remorse-it comes vulnerable with an attempt to change. If you have never seen this with a long history of a relationship, it is time to go your separate ways.
The corollary to this of course is on the rare occasions they do get something right (usually through dumb luck or help from you) it's all their OWN doing, and look at how smart and clever they are!
It's sad, but a year ago I went no contact with someone I thought had been pretty much my best friend for 25 years. She fits the description of a covert narcissist perfectly, but I didn't understand that until after my husband and I lived with her for several months. She was very difficult to live with and definitely was passive aggressive and pouty when things didn't go her way. It was like living with a toddler. I absolutely agree that they are unrepentant and don't have the capacity for emotional development and maturity. Afterall, they are perfect and you are the problem. She had this sign on her wall at home that was supposed to be taken as a joke, but I swear it's what she really believed. It said, "I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas." If that's not a narcissist sentiment, I don't know what is.
I also recently went no contact with my best friend of 25 years! I thought we would be friends forever, hanging out in our rocking chairs at 90 years old. It hurts at times, but I could no longer tolerate her toxicity. She treated me poorly for years, but it took her getting her hooks into one of my family members behind my back to finally cut her off. I decided to choose myself over her and live a healthy, stress-free life! When I get sad, I remind myself that I am mourning what I thought I had, not what the 'friendship" really was.
My mother even sounds and responds like a responds like a toddler with the tone and vocabulary when she doesn't get what she wants or I point out her errors.
I can relate to the "living with a toddler" experience. Narcissistic people have the maturity level of a toddler. You can't reason with them, they want what they want when they want it and tantrum when they don't get their way. I had a "friendship" of 37 yrs that I recently walked away from. She used to be very covert in her ways but as she has gotten older she has become very grandiose. It was a difficult choice to make however with each passing day and the more I learn about the dynamics of the narcissist's behavior, the better I feel. Absolutely the right decision for me.
The thing is this stuff develops from childhood trauma, usually from the parents. These people dissociate from their broken spirit , that's why they stay children. There is a bunch of trauma healing that needs to be done
Your comments about narcissists not "updating themselves" is spot on!! That is truly the best bottomline of what is going on with these people that I have ever heard. Thank you!
She was always the victim in everything that had gone wrong in her life. I finally picked up that something was wrong when I asked her what she could have done better in her 20 year and 4 kids marriage that had fallen apart. She replied that she could have said no to letting him run up the creditcard bill when they were building a new house. Even when I asked "her", she still blamed it on him
I recently stopped talking to or making any effort to continue either friendship or any communication with a friend whom I find to be emotionally draining. I hesitate to label people because I feel labels are often times overused and inaccurate. I know that being around her drains me and leaves me feeling sad and exhausted. I’m constantly questioning (in my own mind) things she’s told me because they don’t add up or match things she’s said over the years. Some of which are criminal. I find that I always feel sympathetic and empathetic to people who behave or act negatively, even toxic or abusive, partly, because I grew up with literally no familial support, suffered emotional and physical abuse and neglect, and basically raised myself, often times going without basic necessities. I find myself making excuses for people, (friends and family) even though I know, rationally, their behavior is inexcusable. I find myself feeling sorry for them and thinking they’re behaving in a way because they, too, are hurt individuals struggling with their own demons. I feel guilty going no contact with this friend as well as members of my own “family” that display similar behaviors, even though being around them is completely draining. I feel very alone and ashamed to admit that I don’t like my own family and at 45 yrs old I feel like I need permission to not talk to them. The only positive that came from my childhood abuse is that I have an absolutely wonderful relationship with my 22 and 18 yr old. Instead of using my abuse as a crutch to continue toxic, abusive or neglectful behavior as an adult and parent, I used it as the reason to be better. I refused to ever let my kids feel what I felt. I am definitely not perfect but my children were raised in a household that was loving and supportive and open to communication, and they have grown into wonderful human beings because of it.
You just made me smile! A lot of your description I recognize! I said to myself that because of what you went through you are better for it, not inspite of it. I had a simlar experience and I also decided that it would not also turn me in a bitter and resentfull person. After all was my insight, I am 'captain' on my 'ship'. And you made me smile, because of it the lessons learned, I also have 2 great children similar age and we can speak open and it has given them both benefit in their young lives and helped them with their choices in living. I wish I had someone when I had their age! So it turned out for the better. And that is happiness of great value. So thank you for giving me a smile. We did ok for our kids!😉👍🤝
We waste our time and energy trying to fix these people. Some of these relationships should never have gone beyond one or two dates ☺️. Thank you once again Dr C great advice for people who are stuck.
"Some of these relationships should never have gone beyond one or two dates" Well said Janet. I learned this somewhat late in life.....with far too many second chances and benefit of the doubt offered up to those waving bright Red Flags from the start. No longer....I've already given up too much of my own life to these toxic creatures.
I loved the part where you said to just put them in your rear view mirror. When I moved out (at his request), after living with him for seven years, he wanted to then “date” me. I never talked to him again and it felt wonderful.
@X D They say it's 6% of the population but that's based on what's admitted. Here in southern California I'd suspect the clinical disorder NPD is probably in at least 10% of the population and in 50%+ of the managers and supervisors in the corporate workplace. I've run into some really sick, toxic people at work. Many of them have been put in jail for things such as this one supervisor I had who tried to run over a police officer writing someone a ticket.
@@EphemeralProductions This knowledge would solve a lot of problems in the workplace if it kept narcissist out of manager and supervisor positions. Businesses are losing billions of dollars all because some narcissist is harassing employees and causing high turnover.
I strongly disagree, why? Because then it becomes a witch hunt to hunt down YOU. The problem is that all the judges and politicians and CEOS and police chiefs ARE these people. Now imagine the deflection and projection they already do by blaming YOU for “climate change” and “poverty” and “injustice” for just living your life. Do you think they will NOT take advantage of their power over the system to hunt down US and anyone who can see through their behavior? Because that is exactly what they will do. They do it already with everything else they get caught doing? Like how “taxes” never go up for them, no matter how many millions or billions they have, but they only ever go up only for you and I? It sounds good, but those of us who can see them are going to have to take this seriously and handle it ourselves. There is more of them than there are of us.
Encountered one at work - she was passing my work off as hers & micromanaging me. Turned out she was treating others like this too. I left the company because it was just impossible. Heard that she took her own life a few years later; maybe her deceit caught up with her. Very difficult for organisations to keep these vile people out. They present so well.
@robertsmuggles6871 Companies and people definitely take notice. People leave in a company, they are usually single and if not, they are with someone who's weak. One of my coworkers found his wife in Mexico. She needed papers and wanted to get her family to the States, he wanted someone that wouldn't leave him. They have few or no close friends. Acquaintances rarely see all their flaws and personality defects. People take notice. There are consequences, but people are generally bad at resolving conflict, so it continues until the group or leader in these contexts get fed up with these adult children. Narcissists are frustrating and annoying. They're also pathetic.
My mom will never experience loss of supply, she keeps a constant supply at hand with her three grandchildren she "raised" and my living siblings. I stepped out of her life and she doesn't care; I didn't expect her to, but for appearances. She started a smear campaign against me when I was a child and I didn't understand any of this (I've always known she struggles with mental illness, she'll never admit it), and she's convinced my entire family, including extended family, that I'm the "problem" child and it's all in my head. I'm literally on my own and trying to figure my marriage out after learning I struggle with BPD and married a man just like my mother 20 years ago 🤦♀️ and I don't know how much my enabling is responsible for his escalating bad behavior. Prayers for all who are struggling🙏
Hi, Kathy-- I'm glad you had the strength to get away from your mom! The phrase "his escalating bad behavior" worries me though, as a survivor of domestic violence who spent too much time trying to figure out the causes of things instead of removing myself from a dangerous situation. If your partner is cruel or menacing to you when there are no witnesses and if he can switch in an instant if the phone rings or the front doorbell rings, I hope you will plan your escape, very carefully and getting advice from those experienced with this. "Why Does He do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a good resource. Wishing you safety, sanity and peace.
My Narc ex is now best friends with my Narc ex mother. Alone, but at least free! Don't care what others think and be kind to yourself on your healing journey xx
BPD as far as I'm concerned is cPTSD manifesting itself in victims of narcissistic abuse. Try to learn more about cPTSD because when I finally realized that's what was wrong with me a huge shift began to happen in my life. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I'm so much more stable and productive although I still have physical symptoms of living in constant fight or flight after a lifetime of narc abuse. My body may never heal but my "BPD" is gone. Good luck, you are on your way to healing, too, hopefully!!
You were her scapegoat. Same here with my mom. I think it's Dr Ramani who has some videos about the family roles and scapegoats specifically, where the narcissistic parental unit is concerned.
oh, so true. boom a rang communication, always answers back, no reasoning with them, they live in a ever changing alternate reality. I'm amazed how ignorant people are. forget about intimacy, loyalty, forgiveness, peace with these people and their flying monkeys. Contempt is their constant attitude. so true, " still not my fault". so good at setting people up so they can play the victim.
I remember having a conversation with my ex about our past relationships. I asked him what he felt he could’ve done differently and what had he learned from them. His response was literally “nothing”. Everything was their fault and he was just overly giving. One of many lightbulb moments I had in discovering how narcissistic he is.
Witnessed an implosion only last night. This lady is a 72 year old woman with a string of broken relationships who hasn't learned one single thing from her mistakes. She lost the plot when I tried to apply a logical solution to a situation because it didn't suit her victimhood agenda. I'm hoping I don't hear from her again but if I do I know she will not apologise, she'll be simply hoovering. Thanks to videos like this, I now recognise this behaviour for what it is and know how to handle it. I won't feel guilty about going zero contact if necessary.
I'm so happy to find people who were in for the long haul. I was beginning to think I was the only one. People don't understand and I decided when I finally left I'd only share with those I was led to share with. That included family and friends. Even though it's been only six months I know I won't return to the unhappiness and craziness. I left(ran) after 39 years at age 74.. I have my own place, I'm working and yes some days it hits me like a ton of bricks. I knew something was wrong but didn't find out until I left. I had been told by an attorney that he was a narcissist four years ago but convinced myself it wasn't so. Well I miss many aspects of my old life, but I am peaceful, don't have to worry about what I say or how and I don't miss him. That has a lot to do with why I left, I am just not where I will tolerate physical abuse. Try not to beat up on yourself and not to feel guilty. I've heard it said that guilt is a useless emotion. I agree.
This was too relatable. I was a victim of my sister and now husband. As a Christian believer, I've been brought up and taught to believe the best and give people the benefit of the doubt, faith hope and love. Sadly, with Narcissists, this way of thinking, ultimately becomes harmful to the victims. I wish there were more awareness and knowledge about this in Christian circles. I'm so grateful for videos by you and others. I'm hoping to one day be able to separate myself, especially since the behavior has pretty much destroyed our home family dynamic and left me feeling helpless
Same but then God gave me the strength. I do not associate myself with darkness or chaos. I just don’t. I had to get stronger and get the childhood voices out my head to be humble always and turn the other cheek. There are MORE verses in the Bible to give balance to life and not give the enemy more weapons to destroy you. Cut them people off if God says so and it will hurt at first because we too kind but overtime once you taste the peace of being in control of just you and letting others be them you will not go back. You are only responsible for you and protecting your sanity. Don’t cast your pearls before swine queen.
I agree with your statement being raised to Love and have compassion for others. It's a real stumbling block and narcissists love to take full advantage of it. To have love and compassion for ourselves is to come first. Jesus does not want us abused as that is not love. Life has its sufferings enough.
You might like The Royal We channel also. A guy named Kevin runs it and he's christian. He talks about how the church is ass backwards when it comes to these things just like you do. It seems to me of that one.passage in the bible is all but suggesting to keep taking slugs from people.elieve turned the other cheek means fight through despite punches.. not just put your hands down and take a punch.. but I'm not a biblical scholar and I'm just getting into Christianity finally after almost 50 years. But his stuff would have 100% resonated with me even if I was 100% atheist or agnostic like I used to be. PS--On the other hand, when someone just wants to waste your time with drama and a useless argument, sometimes just letting go of the rope in some sudden tug of rope they sprung upon you and subsequently watching them fall into the swamp is the best thing to do🙂
So many narcissists and flying monkeys are drawn to authoritarian "fundamentalist" religions. The black and white "Us versus them" dogma provides the self-righteous justification to wallow in the false superiority and punishing, hate filled behavior they so enjoy.
Thank you so much. I need constant reminders that I'm doing the right thing by getting rid of the narc. They will NEVER change. They will ALWAYS jeopardise the relationships to maintain confusion, chaos, control. In my opinion, they're evil. I hope all the empaths can escape these people ❤️
YES, you are doing the right thing! It is hard at times because we tend to remember the 'good times' we DID have with them, cause there will be some; but we still need to move away once we've determined they are indeed narcissists because they are hurting you and no one deserves to be treated that way. I told my narcissistic sister that after yet another hurtful, rude, condescending text from her - then I went 'no contact' with her and now with my younger 'neglectful narcissistic' enabler younger sister - life has been getting better for me slowly. I know I did the right thing.
I learned it actually WAS my fault. Imagine the ego I had thinking I made a difference. When a person chooses to hurt others for thier own gain, they need a higher power than I can offer.
My dad is a narcissist, I finally had the courage to leave him in 2020 and I’m so grateful for it. I finally realized he would never change when he suffered two major life threatening events. He used those events to justify his abuse and controlling nature, and used them to justify why we should do everything he wants. He told us (my stepmom and I) that we were so lucky he was alive, rather than he was lucky to be alive to be with us. He wasn’t grateful to have us, we needed to be grateful that we had him. If a heart attack and beating cancer won’t change a narcissist, nothing will.
There is absolutely nothing, nada, zero life lessons that any true narcissist ever care to pay attention to. They never learn anything, they never change & with that is knowledge you are definitely dealing with a narcissist. Freedom comes from knowing that & moving on with YOUR life.
The more I tried to show love to my narc mother, the more she learned how to fake acting like a healthy loving mother. It made her even more dangerous, even better at manipulating me. She waited until I was at my lowest point and stabbed me in the back so badly I almost died. I crawled away to get help, and cut her off. It has been 2 years of almost no contact, and she is now almost bedridden, she has no one to suck the life out of anymore. I pray for her but from a distance. Your videos have saved my life. Thank you so much Dr. Carter.
They are always right, never wrong and if you disagree w/them look out--they implode. The controlling, know it all, bossy nature of these people is exhausting to be around. Also, if you give them an inch into your life they want to take a mile. Second chances w/these people don't work as they cannot help themselves and implode again and again on you. Spot on Dr. Carter. Thank you.
Thank you so much. I found your videos a few days ago and for the first time in 45 years my life makes sense. I spent my whole life believing that I am a defective human being. It's like you gave me the cheat sheet for why I am the way that I am. You have helped me more than I can say. Thank you.
How sad to read what you just wrote - but good to see that you've discovered Dr. C's videos ... if I may, I'd recommend: go on watching them, there are so many of them by now and they'll do you good, one or two doses of this "medicine" per day won't go amiss :-D May you be able to enjoy the next 45 years (or more!) in peace and contentment. Best regards + all the best wishes from an elderly German woman who benefits from Dr. C's videos a lot. They are comforting, they're rather funny at times in spite of the seriousness of the topic ... I think "deadpan" is the right word, and they're like balm for wounded souls.
It’s amazing how they’ll continue to try and hoover you in years later. It’s never because they’ve come to value you as a person. It’s always because they need the drug that you provide.
I agree that we become the supply (drug) that they need. And, in trying to walk in a minefield, we become co-dependents. A marriage or relationship with a narcissist is doomed sooner or later. But, remember that, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So, live it fully, with peace and joy.
I realized that well-adjusted people could look at a difficulty between themselves and others and ask themselves, "What was going on immediately before the disaster happened? Was there anything I did that might have contributed to or caused the friction?" But narcissists don't do that. They can't. I had a "boyfriend" a couple of years ago who needed to choose between the immediate gratification of going into a rage and the deferred gratification of maintaining a good relationship with women. But then I realized that his programming was such that he didn't see that maintaining a good relationship with women was gratifying: any problem in his relationship with them was their fault, because "women were after his money, or were cheaters, or ..."
They realize....don't underestimate them. They just don't care, or some of them actually take pleasure in destroying your life. I know....been there....suffered that.
My father, who was an amazing Dad, died about 18 months ago. Since then, my narcissistic father-in-law has rejected me even more. I just wanted to thank you for all the “fatherly” advice I’ve received from these videos. It’s helped me through a really tough times. God bless you in all you do. Thank you.
I understand thus dynamic, I think. Now your father-in-law is showing his real colors now that your dad is not there to see him or support you. I am so sorry. I’m so glad you had such a wonderful dad.
I have analyzed and replayed ad nauseum the way I handled things and how I could have done it differently so the friendship would not have ended painfully. Maybe if I said this? Or that? Or done that instead? Over and over and over I have thought of different things I might have said or done. It has finally occurred to me that there was no way to get out of that entangled, enmeshed friendship without it getting ugly. No way to end that toxic mess of a non-relationship without fireworks. I hope I see the red flags more clearly next time and walk away from the narcissist. I’ll save myself a lot of grief.
You are spot on. My wife had to resolve an inheritance with three narcissistic siblings. Two years later and two attorneys finally got it resolved. The three have been deleted from our lives. Yes they are imploding!!!💥☄️🌪
Sis. It’s time now. After my narc had a moment of clarity and threw his firing pin in the bay, I knew it was time. Save yourself and learn how God sees you to recover. And then write His promises on your heart to recite when memories come. It’s a spiritual battle with the spirit of jezsbel/narcissist. BUT RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE WITH NO CONTACT ❤️🙏🏼safe journey.
Open that Window Wide and Go , you will reap the rewards , I went out the Door while he was away , Life is Beautiful now because that's what I have made it.God Spread You.
My prayers and positive thoughts are all for you. Keep reminding yourself that you don't deserve to be treated like this and contact your local Domestic Violence office. They will help you plan a way to escape. You don't have to live in fear if you start getting a plan together. Just don't tell him what you're doing. I know you can do it. I did it and so have others. These videos helped give me strength and taught me how these people are. They'll never change except to get worse, and it happened to me. Good luck and best wishes 🙏
Thank you for the validation I'm finding in these videos. I had to eliminate a 'friend' from my life after 30 years of trying to get along. There were those who thought it was craven of me to simply cut off contact and refuse to respond to ANYTHING, but I knew perfectly well no discussion was going to get me anywhere---a formal 'break up' would simply turn into yet another escalating wrangle with me being backed into a corner and screamed at. Again. It was freaking killing me. Once I took him on a weekend visit with family and they asked me later why I was hanging out with someone who obviously disliked me so much. I wish I had put together the string of people who were 'dead to him' after years of 'friendship' and understood they were all just saving themselves from his toxicity. I lost so much time given over to placating, walking on eggshells, making myself small, overlooking horrible comments, going along with things I didn't want just to keep the peace. Deep scars.
I am attempting to extricate myself from a 'friend' that is turning out to be a covert narc. None of my other friends ever wanted to be around her and I was not seeing why. Now I see it. I feel as if I am living a mirrored existence. I see myself as strong and capable yet when around her I feel invalidated, cheap, ignorant and illiterate. How does that happen?? I moved 600 miles away and she can still do it to me with texts and phone calls. I have had enough.
I was with one for six months. What a trip that was. Couldn't do anything right. The look of hate in her eyes. Silent treatment. Before I realised what I was dealing with, I confronted her about cheating etc as I could see the mask was falling off and she was being very secretive. Although she never admitted it, I was told from various sources she was. She found her new supply in July. I wrote letters to try and keep us together as I genuinely loved her and her three girls. That was before I found out what was going on. Im struggling, but managing to keep a lid on it. No contact after she asked if we could at least be friends. The joker. Her eldest daughter I still help out as she sees what's going on and wants out. The other two, I dread to think. Stay strong. Regards from the UK
Gee, only 6 months! I sense perhaps her love bombing, and her mask coming off. I had a sister who met a guy and when she didn't like his boundaries etc, she went right against him. She told me she contacted her previous guy again, saying he was "nice all the time". But he had moved on. I just thought, what a cheat my sister was.
I hope you're okay. It's terrifying how much damage a narcissist can do in such a short amount of time. Mine was a year and a half and completely destroyed everything I used to love. My passion for art and creation, shattered. My ability to connect to others, torn to shreds. My confidence, eviscerated. I'm grateful to hear you escaped after only six months. I know it doesn't erase the damage she clearly did, but you're clearly smart enough to realize when something's wrong. I'm happy you were able to protect yourself so early, before things got worse. It's a sign that you'll be able to defend yourself in the future. I hope you're okay today.
I always have to give you a big thank you. You always seem to talk about exactly what I need to hear just when I need to hear it. It means a lot. My son married a narc. Now he is acting like one and they came Easter and almost destroyed me. I am having to make plans to separate myself from my once close son. This is a hard one. It just can’t work when I am healing from being the scapegoat all my life from my own families abuse. Please keep me in your prayers.
Donna: I'm afraid your situation is not as uncommon as you might think, apparently. As I have been healing and learning about this, I found these wonderful, competent people online (I started reading about this on Facebook, then found TH-cam!) and, esp. on TH-cam - Dr. Ramani is another fabulous, validating person!!! I went through abuse from the sub human family I was trapped into, as well. I married a closet pedophile and grandiose narcissist - I was quite young and uneducated - and, who I did not want to marry. But, as a single mother, I thought it would be best for my son to be in a "family". As said, due to being uneducated and inexperienced (there was very inappropriately, 26 years difference between my then husband, and myself [further - I did not realize it at the time, but, I must have been a pedophile's dream, bc I looked younger than I was, as I was thin, and, sometimes sickly with tonsillitis. I was working, and out of high school]) I did not know what I was in for. I was the Narcissistic supply for the whole family, and was treated "less than" esp. from the step daughter, as well as her father/my husband, at the time. My son was a VERY GOOD kid but as he grew older, he also adopted that sleazy family's attitude, when he was in his thirties. He also became a willing pawn/ flying monkey/ and, at times, a mercenary for the step daughter. - The step daughter had designs on her father's whole Estate and did not want to divide it between her (step daughter- the result of her father's first marriage), and myself. She tried, and was mostly successful in grabbing her father's whole Estate/ Inheritance for herself. She did everything possible to marginalize me out of that sub human family. I end up alone, and it took quite some some to get over it, but, I feel better, and have No desire, whatsoever to ever see the former son again. I love that Dr. Carter characterizes narcissists as "junkies", bc they get Narcissist supply whenever, and wherever...and are junkies to bullying people. Interestingly, I was beginning to think of them as such, and I hear Dr. Carter say this - what a validation.
@@meredithheath5272 wow. So sorry to hear that. My prayers are going up for you. My two sister just stole my inheritance and I have been abused all my life. I have healed mostly through Christ but I still have those day. I have great loving friends so I thank God for that. But my son moved 11 hours away to be w his narc wife and her alcoholic family. So I have to let him go. It’s breaking my heart. But he playing flying monkey now w my narc sis. Time to walk away.
i am going through a divorce with such a person. he is a bully yet playing the victim. Without your videos, it would have been really maddening for me because there is no reasoning, self-reflection, acceptance, nothing… Dignity, respect, civility are indeed the values we need to hold on to in order to be able to continue our lives as much as we can while getting constantly dragged into their mind games and chaos. I am grateful that I am emotionally free. It has taken me years to break the trauma bond, abandon euphoric recall and magical thinking. They not only don’t change but also get worse over time.
my relationship with a narc is long over but I am still amazed at how much blame he aimed at me..how much time I wasted trying to improve the relationship or reaching out to him. What a waste of a life - actually two - the narcissitc and their negativity and what they do to the person closest to them.
The Narc always told me he had trust issues with everyone and that’s why he was so hard on me. I never saw him do others the way he did me though. Then he would say the other people didn’t matter. Only I did. So yeah, they definitely spew all of their mess on the person closest to them.
@@brittanyalonge My ex once said that he didn't get upset with others for the same behaviour that from me would result in him sulking and lecturing me because it 'wasn't important' when they did it. He had this extreme sensitivity to being interrupted at any point in a discussion, no matter how long he had been talking. He would pout and sulk and act so wounded and cold. He would say it means I'm thinking of my response and not listening. But it didn't. It was because I needed to respond to a specific point he had made before I forgot what I had to say. He would drone on for so long. Did he expect me to take notes in case I thought of something? He was so fragile and egotistical. Wasted 6 months of my life being gaslit, devalued including being insulted about anything less than perfect about my appearance (which was many times better than his), and blamed for all the conflict between us, having my family dysfunction thrown at me every time. But at least I dumped him before we got to the discard stage.
@@thinkingallowed7042 Have you noticed that many of them are incessant talkers? The only time you get to speak is when they are sleeping, taking a drink or a mouthful of food? I watched my Nex talk to two complete strangers for 45 minutes while we were on vacation at the beach. They never said a word! She talked for 45 minutes solid! I felt sorry for them but all I could think about was that I was so happy it wasn't me having to listen to her talk in circles about nothing! On and on and on constantly about nothing!
Yes, and another one the narc said to me was... "I don't have this problem with anyone else". Haha. Like it's all me. What a joke! I'm like well that's not what all your other train wreck of relationships have shown. I agree with your comment... Why did I waste my life? Better late than never!
I had a narcissist friend. She was nice to me when I was useful, such as looking after her pets while she went on holiday, but exploded when I made her look less then perfect compared to me and didn't do what she wanted. By the time I decided to ignore her I was relieved. Yet her boyfriend who is treated like dirt keeps going back for more, just because she's an attractive woman and her parents are wealthy.
Oh my goodness, check, check, and more check the list of emotions described by Dr. C. The Pandemic afforded me almost 2 solid years of no contact with familial abusers. I'm ashamed to admit this but I feel like 'the party's over’ now that most of the country is returning to life as we knew it. 2 weeks ago, I had a complete meltdown in anticipation of having to endure the holidays with these people. Some holiday huh?!
Roz Doyle, there's no loyalty on their part. I'm simply their supply. Going Gray Rock was a comfort but the unexpected and guilt-free No Contact was AWESOME! I guess reality just hit hard.
I've recently started having panic attacks again and it all started this past weekend when I basically had to endure family narc-abuse. I also see a lot of selfish traits and lack of empathy in partner which triggeredthis as well. Sadly I think I've been baited and switched again.
@@booradley9063 I’m praying that all you learned about narcissism during your time away from them you will now use to propel your forward and stay away from them or stand up for yourself ! There is no reason why panic attacks should come back . Stay calm and live the self love you have taught yourself . Please!💞
Me too, dreading having to deal with their reactions when I won't go back to attending "family" functions. Roz is right, just because they are relatives, doesn't mean they deserve our loyalty.
What I hate so much about dealing with N's is that it's so wearing emotionally, that it takes your energy away from caring for the people who do rightfully 'need' support, or relationships that could be mutually supportive. It's a whole lot of people who lose out.
I was "raised" by a narcissistic mother, an only child. I had a 'nervous breakdown' when I was 37 and narcissism wasn't among the terms used in the progress of my treatment, only "emotional illness". The term "narcissism" didn't enter the picture until the comments about the 45th president being a narcissist but before that, I sensed he had traits I was encountering in myself. I'd say my break at 37 was the first part of my "implosion" but the most painful has been since I retired and my wife passed away several years ago. My condition seems very intense as I took on many of my mother's twists to get by in my formative years. She's passed away now but I maintained a distance from her later in life and didn't let her manipulate like she had done earlier but now it's about deceiving myself with those traits. This is the other side of the coin, living while knowing the condition has to somehow die. The shame involved takes a toll on my body, a suffering that cannot be avoided - one counsellor brought it to my attention that I had been raised in a shaming environment. A book I read about recognizing shame pointed out that it has physical effects causing suffering.
I can relate to this, at the end of my relationship with my ex I would get these feelings and I never wanted to be with him or contact him, because I knew it wouldn’t be anything nice he had to say. I walked away and went no contact and now he is tormenting his new supplies but sometimes now if I happen to run into him, I feel sick and have that feeling of dread in my stomach as soon as he leaves the vicinity the relief is overwhelming.
If we would only learn sooner than later to honor our body signals more and separate ourselves from those that are poison to us. I grateful when I hear younger adults learning this as the poison does sicken us in various ways.
Yes I experience these feelings too just thinking about the narcs in my life, I am now no contact with both for at least 2years. Mother and ex Husband..both coverts.
I just now came across this and can attest that #1 I have two puppies who give me joy #2 I went no contact 6 years ago with my stepson after over 30 years of being his “doormat”… I am now free of him! It took me a long time to get other family members to understand where I was coming from … but I’m in a good place and others have come to recognize his narcissistic behavior !
9:00 If you go continuously out of your way to "Straighten" them, you will become like them. So a time has to come when "enough is enough." And go no contact.
I spent over 45 years trying to figure out what was wrong. Thought I could fix someone. Thought I was going insane and almost did. You simply cannot talk to these people because you'll always walk away thinking what just happened. For me it was well the same thing that's happened 40 plus years. Nothing ever changes. Well for sanity sake I left at 66. For the past two years now I can finally look back and say. No I wasn't crazy.
Good for you. It is always thrilling to learn that someone has found their way out of the craziness and into freedom and peace. 🍾🍾🍾
TeamHealthy holds your back, we are with you
How did you discover ‘narcissism’ was at play?
Just curious after taking me 30 years scratching my head.
@@jennywager6228 Welcome to that club! It took me 33 years. I always knew something was “different” but it was apparently my fault. Due to my upbringing, of course it was my fault and I kept trying to be a better spouse, bla bla bla. I also have very strong defense mechanisms and while my husband was out of town working, I was much happier and didn’t want to waste that time trying to figure everything out. Luckily we never had children, which I’m sad about yet relieved no children were harmed during this marriage 🤦♀️. We both retired early in 2015 and moved to Europe. That’s when everything got worse. 24/7 with no support network. I started googling things like ‘bullying’ and ‘difficult people’ which eventually led me to narcissistic personality disorder. All of a sudden, it felt like all the pieces of my life’s puzzle were falling into place. It was jaw dropping amazing and very painful. TH-cam was a huge help and particularly people’s comments. Some would explain how they felt and it was like they were reading my mind. It was odd for me to have strangers put into words exactly how I felt. It shook me to my core. Mind you I’m still stuck in this marriage because I feel tremendous guilt and responsibility towards my husband. I clearly understand what I am dealing with on an intellectual level but my trauma bond is strong. I’m working on myself and doing my best but it may take me a while yet. At least now, I know that I’m not a horrible person and can handle the rages, the manipulations, etc so much better and recently I was told that I had changed ( apparently not for the better ) and I took it as a compliment. The dynamic has also changed as I know that he knows that something is up. It’s still a mind game sadly but I now have some leverage, all the while understanding that I must tread carefully. I still can’t shake this feeling of pity because I know that he is a very broken person. Nasty, but broken.
Monica, your story sounds just like mine! I want to ask, do you ever stress over the fact that the end is close now? I do. I gave up everything for this person or types of people, and I feel lost in this new found freedom.
Leaving a narcissist, surprisingly, will make you feel LESS lonely
So I am not the only one who felt lonely in around one. The narcissist is Mother. My sisters are her flying monkeys.
I always felt the loneliest in family situations.
I couldn't fathom why.
I am alone now........have been for 11 years.
I don't feel lonely anymore now that I have cut them out of my life.
I'm leaving one now, screamed for two weeks to get the room I'm in now in our house. Now that I'm in a room finally, and have my own space, I'm planning my escape, getting stuff together, finding a place to move. Once I'm gone, I'm going to divorce and force the sale of the property. Also, she's been the only one working lately, and I'm very disabled, so I'll try for spousal support too. She's turned so evil now, losing control. This last part should be fun... ugh...
My case is an odd one. I was with her for 7 years and they were all great. She was already 33 when we got together. She has some red flags, troubled youth, but we went through all sorts of stuff together, living in a little room together, got our own apartment, bought a condo, and it was all great. She never displayed any narcissistic tendencies at all. She went in for gastric sleeve surgery in Sep 2012. I kissed her goodbye, and little did I know, that would be the last time I saw her. She was never the same after surgery. There was a problem evident right away as she slept on codeine cough syrup recovering for 2 weeks... Right away, she started saying that I seemed like I was getting farther and farther away. I was hoping it was just the codeine or something, but I was worried, and so was she... When she finally got up and around and off the cough syrup, there were cognitive issues immediately noticeable. She was shifting around a lot between different personality styles I had never seen before at all. She was normally very solid. She would regain some awareness here and there and be scared at what she was saying or doing... She was paranoid about going to psych ward, and didn't go, and I tried to help her regain her equilibrium. It presented like BPD at first (which I studied very quickly as soon as it started happening). Totally insane dramas ensued over the next year... Then, in Feb 2014, she turned narcissistic and cold... I documented tons of things, mostly for myself, because everything got so crazy. So, unlike a lot of people, mine was not a slow progression. I felt that I needed to try to stay with her as long as I could for the 7 great years we had. I saw her disappear right in front of my eyes, mostly just in the first few weeks after surgery. The damage that was done was immediate. I still don't know if it would have happened anyway, and that was just the trigger. Anyway, I'm 10 years in now, and now having to end it. Almost did a few times, but found the courage to try longer... But, lost myself a bit, dying inside, and finally woke up when she went way over the top with something. Turns out, I had a limit after all. Disrespecting the dead... and wouldn't apologize. Turns out that's too far for me! I'm sad, but I lost my wife many years ago. I've been living with this dark passenger that destroyed my wife from the inside within the first year. I've basically been in hell for almost 10 years. Although very hurt, I did know what I was getting into... I did my best, and I can rest easy knowing that. She can fall to hell without me.
@@reallybigname
I survived. I escaped.
You should be careful.
You will discover they aren't human in their reactions to your leaving.
Whatever you leave behind is gone forever. They are spiteful & will destroy everything that you didn't take with you !
They track you down & the insanity, the psycho games continue.
They make threats - with no witnesses.
If you report them, they act innocent & you sound insane.
They try to have you committed to a psychiatric hospital by telling a humungas pack of lies about you.
They turn periodically to gloat as well.
Apprehended Violence Orders from the courts only make you a prisoner. They ignore the court orders & everyone believes you are lying when you try to have them arrested & charged.
Be strong, be brave, be courageous.
Don't let the turkey win.
It will be hard but you will love your freedom.
You will love your peace of mind & your health will start improving when everything finally settles down.
Don't believe the narcissist.
You are not alone.
You are one of a multitude out here in the real world & you will find kind people who are willing to step forward & help you in small ways.
Above all keep positive.
Good luck & blessings to you.
My thought has been "there's nothing worse than feeling lonely when you're not alone. 40 years with a covert narcissist.
Absolutely
Setting and enforcing boundaries with your narcissistic parent - Losing $1 million inheritance
Cutting contact with them - Losing entire extended family from slander campaign
Having the narcissistic parent and her flying monkeys out of your life forever - Priceless
💯 perfect
@@nomad7540 Metaphorical?
@@nomad7540 Jet Propulsion Lab?
@@nomad7540 Thanks :) I was a little confused at first. You're right, it is painful.
I did the same. Mother can keep her money. Let the vultures fight over it. Having her and the rest of them out of my life is worth it.
I was married to a narcissist for 6 long years, when things didn't go his way he threatened suicide. After the third time I went to the local hospital and begged for help. The psychiatrist made an appointment for the following day. The narcissist thought it was a big joke, he laughed, talked football and explained it was just helpless, fanciful, hysterical me- not him. I left the office in tears. Six weeks later he gassed himself in the car. He left a note directed to me. The local police sergeant, said I could see the note after the coroner had finished with it. When I went to collect the note he refused to give it to me. He said it was the most hateful thing he had ever seen and I should not have that hanging over my life for ever more. He destroyed the letter, for which I have been eternally grateful.
After the shock of the suicide, the only emotion I had was one of relief and freedom - no more lies in my life.
How considerate of the police officer to protect you by withholding that note from you.
May God bless you.
God Bless You!❤
My brother was a narcissist and shot himself last Monday. His wife's son and I were disappointed that he didn't leave us a note. Now I guess I'm grateful that he didn't. Thank you for sharing your story
Thank God for that officer. That would have been the narcissists last attempt at destroying you and you would NEVER have had any recourse for rebuttal. Praise God you are finally free🙏
@@chrisnore5169 it wasn't your fault. That person was very sick. And I mean it. It is what it was. He was very sick.
The #1 best feeling in the world: puppies. The #2 best feeling in the world: going no contact with a narcissist.
That got a chuckle out of me.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yeah, me too!!! LOL
🎉🎉❤❤❤❤
Puppies!❤
Word 🙋
Don't grieve a relationship that was never gonna be anyway. ...Profound
My experience exactly.
What "relationship"?!
This is exactly what I’ve dealt with.
Very True!
"When someone is being nasty first try love. If that fails try compassion. If that fails use distance." Sadhguru
Check your own capacity and vulnerability first.
Yeah the problem is that is exactly the playbook of the Narc themselves?
“Love” to them is “self love”, and putting their priorities over yours,
“Compassion” is the Hoover because “maybe you just needed to reflect on why they were right/value in your life”,
And “distance” is ghosting/gaslighting.
The problem is Narcs LIVE by instagram wisdom quotes, but they interpret the same message completely differently than you do.
@@ghost-user559 but is that really a problem? It seems to me if you know what YOU mean by those things and you're NOT devoting your energy to getting them to agree but just taking their actions as communication, this strategy gets you out of harms way very quickly- before they have their hooks in your life
@@tahiyamarome I agree with that if it’s only to escape the abuse, but what I mean is that all of these different channels are saying things like that, and ultimately I read a lot of these comments where the “victims” of this abuse are now completely self involved and hyper focused on all things Narcissism. They are saying they need “‘me time” and “everyone is a Narc, and I must be an Empath”.
What that does is now THEY are actually becoming the Narcissist! They say things like “I don’t care if they live or die”, “good riddance”, or “I stopped talking to my family and now I feel great”, or “Narcs are not human, they have no souls!”.
The strange thing is that the comments of all the victims on these channels are taking the “self healing” to such an extreme that they themselves don’t think about anyone or anything but themselves now. They have now become totally self involved and hateful.
So I’m saying that mantras by themselves don’t work very well with broken people, because people are so hurt they want to cling to anything, including easy to memorize slogans and mantras. And in a way that is making people oversimplify themselves and their relationship to others. It’s becoming almost cult like on these anti Narc channels to the point of being unhealthy.
I am not saying you are wrong, as long as a person can recognize that mimicking the Narc might be what it takes to escape the abuse. BUT if we lose ourselves and BECOME the Narc by mimicking them after we have escaped the abuse, then we can never truly escape because we are now emulating their exact behavior to cope. And if we continue to act like a Narc, eventually we will become one if we don’t recognize our behavior.
@@tahiyamarome So I am saying that if a person actually took that mantra to heart and was inflexible that THEY would be exhibiting Narcissistic behavior.
And that’s the danger of dealing with them, is that now we have to be aware we now have internalized negative patterns of behavior that can easily corrupt good advice.
Something as simple as “find your peace”, and some of these victims of abuse run off to live on a mountaintop in total isolation or join a cult.
The same advice for a healthy person would be easy to recognize and not get carried away by, but what I am saying is people who are damaged by this abuse are taking mantras and slogans and actually causing more damage to themselves or others. To the point where someone has an honest and harmless difference of opinion and they now say “they are a Narc, so I went no contact”.
So although for a balanced person that quote is decent advice, in a place full of damaged and vulnerable people, I don’t know if people realize they are becoming self centered and unreasonable themselves after internalizing the behavior of their abuser.
Again you sound like you have self control and balance, so it’s probably just a good bit of advice you acknowledge is helpful to you.
But I am seeing a lot of people that worry me, because now anyone who disagrees with them or doesn’t give them what they want is a “Narc”. They skip right to the third step in your quote because they don’t remember compassion or love as a feeling after the abuse. And so I would say most people in these comments are not ready to genuinely know the difference between who is actually a Narc, and who just disagrees with them and makes them feel uncomfortable, which is a normal human feeling that people naturally have when they disagree about something.
When you realize you can finally breathe when they aren't around. That is the moment.
Oh goodness YES. It was a little confusing because I was so sad when it ended, but once he was gone even my (young) kids noticed how light & peaceful it suddenly was in the household… the weight being lifted (that I didn’t even know was there until it wasn’t!) was very eye opening indeed
Best comment! ♥️
@@lmsteller9736 I'm just very happy to see that more and more people are seeing things for what they are.
I thank God every single sweet, peaceful morning!
Going through this right now. It's funny how what you wrote hit me as I'm going through it. It's like I now have permission to just be and to be happy, without needing my dad's "permission" or "approval" or to avoid his "disapproval". Life is so good with him not in it!
There’s a loaf of (mouldy) bread where their brain should be. That is why they’re incapable of:
-self reflection
-humour
-active listening
-acknowledging the nuances in a given situation
-remorse
-empathy
-respecting personal boundaries
-accountability for what they do
That explains a lot!
The lesson here is to not teleport bread.
Here's to everyone who understood that reference!
The flipside to this is, the longer you try (fruitlessly) to reach or help a Narcissist on any level, the closer you come to imploding yourself (especially if you're an Empath.) Exposure to their presence in any form is corrosive.
To me, these mythical empaths are just damaged people who lack boundaries and who have a diminished sense of agency and therefore are vulnerable or oversensitive to the emotional states of others. True empathy is an active skill you engage in willingly. The thing is not that narcissists are evil people who lack boundaries and empaths are good people who lack boundaries. The problem is the lack of boundaries per se.
@@seriouscat2231 I'd have to disagree with that generalized dismissive assessment. I'd characterize Empaths as beautiful & rare individuals (but not perfect people.) I would say the've a deeper emotional understanding, comprehension, and capacity than what is typical. Sure, empathy and compassion can be learned & taught to a degree, but perhaps Empaths have a greater natural-inclination in that direction. Narcissists in my view, are not 'evil people' by default (necessarily,) but they make very evil choices, and commit themselves to evil behaviors, patterns etc. At their root, they seek common elements such as validation, self preservation etc. Their issue, is that they pursue these things at the expense of, and without remorse or regard for others. At the most rudimentary levels, sure, people may be similar, but nuances in character, mentality, intention, compassion & morality distinguish people like night and day in this case.
@@krs1602, now I realized it. Empath is a female version of gamma males, who in turn are self-absorbed boys with victimhood and inferiority complexes, who envy everyone and never get anything done, behave passive-aggressively and secretly consider themselves very charming and unique.
The thing is, because men are naturally competitive, the gamma male is mostly hated and despised. But women are given far more slack and this is why so many of them openly advertise themselves as special individuals. I have seen extremely confused and traumatized men do that too, but mostly it's been women.
@@seriouscat2231 Lack of boundaries is lack of boundaries and that's an issue. That part's true.
The rest of it sounds a lot like the whole, "Why do you keep running into my fist?"-type of argument.
Lack of boundaries by one person, empath or otherwise, doesn't justify cruel, abusive, predatory behavior on anyone else's part.
Yes 🤔
A relationship with a narcissist is an endless cycle of abuse. No contact was my only option to find peace.
After ten years of firm silence on my part, my narc still very occasionally reaches out with attempts to create guilt or get pity.
I blocked my narc and then saw they had tried to reach me 3x since the block yesterday and my stomach clenched and I spent the day sleeping to get away from the situation that had happened 2 months ago when I put my foot down. I’d been warned by several people I was being used then bam 💥 It was clear to me. No contact from me EVER again.
Good choice 👍🏻 don’t return
I made no contact with narcs for a few years and i have peace; however i knew these narcs had converted many lower IQ relatives into their zombies/minions(to act for the narcs) with their toxic mouth. shtf for me soon, wish me luck. those who go against narcs usually never end well, 100% became 'the villain' :(
@@spaideman7850 im at that point, myself I finally, figured out that my brother is evil hearted. It's more like anger and enraged.no matter how nice you're towards them. I saw incompetence, retardedness, extreme anger, for not doing what he told me to do, micromanaging to a next level. Now I'm just fed up and he's crossed my line one to many times. His lies and backstabbing is over, on my side. Any time he attempts to come see me in public, he will regret it.
Narcisists bring confusion, drama, chaos and trauma and that is why the relationships with them blow up. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter.
the relationships blow up...because they CAN'T be in a normal relationship...they have no empathy or awareness that they are mentally ill...it is a neurological disorder...it will not ever get "better"...just a sad situation for any person who becomes entangled with them
Sounds like they are possessed
Concepts that a narcissist will NEVER understand: Communication. Cooperation. Compromise. To the narc, doing these things would mean they've lost control of their life. It's always ''My way or else!!"
Which is why relationships with them implode!
It really highlights the transactional nature of their mindset. It feels like they are always keeping a balance sheet. From casual acquaintance work relationships to marriages, there's always a comparison an evaluation being scored.
It’s beyond weird, yet they get away with it.
Finally at peace in my life after going no contact with family members and friends who are narcissists. I will NOT trade the peace in my life now for anything like that ever again. It drives the narcissists crazy once you figure them out and go no contact...
@@SuicideVan Clearly answered !!
They burn most of their bridges over time. There's no new crop of suckers.
THE END.
💯
Then they are mean to the low paid caregiver in the retirement home who has to wipe their arse. There should be a separate wing for narcs where they can take care if themselves
@@luvyatubers 🤣😂🤣 Love it! Wouldn't that be a sight? 😂
Hahaha fuck em
From the looks of it to me, unfortunately there seems to be an endless supply of non- suspecting good hearted people that continually get sucked in.
Some of the comments in this section break my heart. I'm in the process of ending a relationship with a narcissist that lasted a year and a half. I feel like a shell of a person. It's completely destroyed me, caused me issues with my physical health, destroyed my ability to create or connect with other people.
Yet some of these comments talk about being trapped for 30, 40, 50 years with someone so heinously abusive. The idea of sticking around that long terrifies me. I'm so glad so many of you have found and are finding the strength to leave after so long. I feel completely broken after just 18 months. I can't imagine 18 years.
I'm sorry that You went through this but You will be stronger from it 😊
When it's your own Mother, you stick around year after year hoping that someday she'll see how terribly she has been treating you. Mom is 86 years old now and her covert narcissism has gotten so much worse. I can't do anything right and I'm a stupid and weak person for wanting equality and respect from her. I'm done with her but now have no support from extended family because she poisoned their minds with lies and half truths. It's so psychologically damaging...
I have a narcissistic family member who says I don’t listen, what he really means is I don’t agree!
Lol, true.
VERY WELL SAID.
So perfectly put! And if you don’t agree with their opinions, you just can’t handle the “truth” 😳
My brother used to rap loudly on my bedroom door and then immediately pull the door open violently before I had a chance to say come in or anything else. He would then talk and talk about about whatever he wanted. It was a monologue. I would say yeah here and there. If I ever tried to say more than yeah he would get angry and shout don't interrupt me. I felt so confused. I didn't think I was an interrupting type but conversations usually involve two people
@@uyoebyik Indeed!
My husband and I are just living in a house as roommates, learning about Narcissism has made me understand his behavior and quit trying to make it work!
I wish I'd known about narcissism. I would have handled things different, but the fact he couldn't control me never worked for him and made me unhappy. We'll both be better off apart. His rage led me to leave along with his drinking and years of trying to control me. His eyes were black and he looked like he wanted to kill me. I had no idea what I was dealing with until after I left and started therapy.
Same here. Never knew the cause of it, but I do now. Stopped trying to fix it.
@@marciflanagan5829 yes, their eyes turn black;it’s demonic.
Same here. I just keep emotionally and mentally detached.
I found the strength you can too
Dr. Phil hit the nail on the head when he said “If you are in a relationship with a narcissist………run.”
Yeah!
He should know😉
You don't know until it's too late
Dr. P comes off as highly narcissistic imo...
Too bad he can't see that in the orange idiot
It's a little unsettling when you hit the nail so perfectly. Three factors made me decide to minimize contact and, in the last few weeks, you have point blank used the exact wording of the three conclusions that brought me to where I am now.
1. They don't listen.
2. They don't learn (from mistakes).
3. They can not be honest with themselves (which means they are incapable of trust and intimacy).
And accountability always ignites a maladaptive response like rage, flight or denial.
They are so sadly predictable.
Thanks for another great series of insights!!
When they start talking about "trust," head for the exit. Trust usually goes without saying!
Oh my gosh, you have hit the nail bang on the head! It is kinda funny(even though it can actually be upseting ti be on the recieving end of)when you watch these types just lose their shit and actually have an adult temper tantrum! I just wanna laugh in their face! So pathetic and no Self awareness or personal responsibility taken at all. All I can say is, No More, step away. X
Very well said!
Accountability is like you’re spraying insect spray at them - SO TRUE!
@@tawandazindoga711: Yes! Half the reason our marriage closed - psychologist was just like my narc, they befriended each other.
Nobody wins when everyone's losing.
That's why it's best to avoid toxic people. They deliberately make everyone suffer
They so do! It's so draining isn't it? I've never understood that mentality, it breaks me when people are like this. They think they are being 'discerning' and 'particular' when really they are just being bleddy awkward! 🤦♀️
So true. Wish the enablers would understand this fact. They suffer too.
@@dmrenterprizes4101 They surround themselves with enablers. They use them without remorse.
@@Connor4x4 Narcs need supply/ prey in order to project their irresponsible hurtful behaviour
@@birgip.m.1236 True
It's really heartbreaking when it's your immediate family like your sister and mother. It's exhausting.
It’s definitely exhausting. As I’m getting older, I find that minimising contact is great. Also, mindfulness and self-compassion help a great deal. It won’t save them, but it will definitely save your sanity. I highly recommend Kristin Neff and her self-compassion books. Also, have a look at childhood emotional neglect. Often, adults who have been exposed to extreme emotional neglect as children tend to want to fix others as they get older, and get drawn to narcissistic people by default.
I’m going though that right now with a brother…. I’m completely drained..
Mother step father sister finally no contact since 0ct 2023
Both and every relationship I have ever had. It is exhausting.
My mother and my brother... It's sad but I need to live my life.
I had 3 narcissists in my life as friends. I walked away from all of them and I'm so much happier. These videos have really helped. I would rather be alone than have one in my life. You can't help them. You can't confront them. They will never change.
You CAN confront them, but it never makes any difference. The only take away will always be that you are a shockingly horrible person for questioning their endless 180’s. When they decide that what they’re going to do now is exactly the opposite of what they insisted they were going to do earlier, the only acceptable response (to them) is mindless agreement. Life is too short to spend it watering a rock.
Well done, 👍. No more stress and anxiety, exactly what I had done to my 4 narcissists relations and 2 friends. They are forever comparing their stuff with others. Those people are really shallow beings.
Congrats you saved your self a peace of mind
Nope, it never gets better, no matter how much you sincerely demonstrate to them that you just want to have no power struggles and no mind games. They will still always try to one up you, and then turn around and accuse you of what they are doing. It is such an ugly sick reality to have to try to live in. Family or not it's just not worth it.
@@VioFax You’re not necessarily a narcissist at all, don’t worry. Even being concerned about it shows you’re less likely to be. You might be codependent though. When you’ve encountered several of them it’s true you can start wondering if you’re a narc yourself! It’s because they draw you into their obsession with themselves and their behaviour all the time, so the flip side of the same coin is a concern with your own behaviour. You spend a lot of time analysing your own behaviour with these people (in order to desperately try to feel better and deal with them), believe you me! I remember thinking ‘I’m the common denominator, so I’m the problem’ but if you spend time away from these people, detoxing from them and decompressing so to speak, you’ll find yourself and be able to heal properly. That’s when you can get strong and healthy, learn better boundaries, build some more healthy ones. You can’t do this whilst you’re still having to deal with these types of people on the daily though, for sure. Get away from those people and free yourself. There are quite a lot of them about, oh and people who haven’t addressed their own problems and are toxic in one way or another. There are good people out there though!
Everything you said is true. We do not need the narcisists drama, trauma and chaos they create. They implode and so do the relationships they create with people. We need to stay away from those hurtful and dangerous people. Thank you dr Carter.
Yes, run
I agree 100% but when it’s your children and then they have your grandchildren who you see getting hurt it’s truly impossible not to try to help them and then there you are right in the middle again.
Yes, they implode everything in any situation!!! I just ended an almost 9 yr relationship with one. He immediately went back to his first ex, who deals with him!!
I’m wondering how that’s possible to do though, when it seems nearly EVERYONE has narcissistic tendencies these days
Well to some degree you are right, and to some degree this might make you more naive, so when the scammers show up in your life, you dont know how to handle them. We need narcisists to make us capable of dealing with narcisists...
I left my covert narcissist wife, who is also an alcoholic, last month. I'm alone, watching this video while reading texts from her that are saying so much of the things you said they'd say! Great work.
My mother was an alcoholic also and a terrible negative narcissist!
Good on you for leaving but delete those texts. They only serve to bring you bad memories
Don't look back, she would have left you for someone else given the opportunity.
Lol
@@incongruous4Yes, the texts will keep you bonded to her. You need to break the trauma bonds. Good luck
I heard ALL about all the “crazy” ex girlfriends and wife. Long detailed descriptions of how they all used him, took advantage of his generosity, they were all on medication for emotional issues, blah blah, blah. I soaked it in and thought I’LL be the one who makes him happy. Whelp….I realize that all the ones before me suffered from the same evil I did. HE was the common denominator. Narcissists are kryptonite to empaths.
They are always victims. He made everyone think I was the crazy one, etc. Ge was brilliant the way he orchestrated it .
I did as well. His ex wife became mentally ill (substance abuse). I'm thinking he made her that way. His girlfriend of 8 years left and he said she had BPD. Wonder what he's telling the new supply about ME. Whatever. Just want this divorce done and him a distant memory. A rebound marriage. Big mistake on my part.
@@marciflanagan5829 , exactly! A wake of destruction with each relationship. Time to focus on loving ourselves and self care as Doc C. says. 👍🏻😌
Exact same experience! WOW
@@marciflanagan5829 , same here. Rebound relationship. This is the one it took to learn my pattern of wanting to “fix” or be the angel for hurt men. It’s an act to snare people like me. I’m DONE wanting to be partnered. I’m focusing on me and my kin now. I’m not built for chaos and mental mayhem. 😌
Yes! Even after a string of failed relationships, they still blame something or someone(s) and never take responsibility for their own actions.
It's even worst as their hypocrisy has no bounds. I know a narc who cheated on his gf repeatedly and with multiple women when she was out of town. He got one of the women pregnant, but convinced her to abort. Another woman he got pregnant, he couldn't convince to get abortion. It was pregnancy with second woman that got him caught when by then he had already gotten engaged to his first gf.
The woman he got pregnant family insisted they get married and so did his. Eventually, he cheated on her while they were married. So she started cheating on him. When he found out, did he think well I have done many times and was even doing during marriage also? No. He went ballistic on her.
This seems to be their thinking. They do harm to others but see no wrong. One injury on them and they go to righteous anger.
not only relationships. the narc I know has tried all types of business projects and can either never see them through, or gets derailed by his own actions, yet somehow can very convincingly shift the blame to someone else.
@@jacklarson6281 nothing is ever their fault.
Oh heck yes. Maybe a good question to ask on first date? Did you learn anything about yourself from failed relationships.
Anything you say to them is an argument
Put up boundaries and they go nuts. If you are able to articulate to others what the abuser is doing, they will try to ostracize you while maintaining plausible deniability. Start recording your conversations with that person and then you will have evidence and a defense against gaslighting.
They offer unwanted opinions. And then when you don't agree they get mad
I have been married to a narcissist for over 30 years. I have survived through my commitment to my work, but, now diagnosed with a terminal cancer, I cannot afford to leave the relationship. The constant put-downs, with every bad thing being my fault, is driving me down. I still cling to the knowledge that I am worthwhle, despite what I am being told.
If you leave right now, maybe your cancer will go in remission! That is possible you know?
You ARE not only worthwhile but you're worth being adored, CHERISHED. I wish I could reach through the Internet and just wrap my arms around you. Just wait until you get to meet Jesus, (or whatever you want to call the Warm Light that everyone talks about being over there,) and just can hardly wait for you to experience when He wraps His loving arms around TOTALLY Lovable YOU. It's all gonna be alright. I don't technically know you, but I hear your call for help, and have been there, so I love you: honest. Hold your head high and pray in your heart, and I pray for you, to find comfort and to feel how TRUE it is that you are UTTERLY worth being cherished.
Praying for healing! You are not crazy, but God had revealed this to you! You are AMAZING to God! Believe it!!!
You are Indeed “worthwhile”! ❤ I pray that you find a way to separate from her while you are going thru this. It doesn’t have to culminate in a divorce (for insurance or ??). But you need to be with family or friends that will wrap their arms around you and say loving things while they hold your hand.
That is why I left my narc at 61 because I was afraid to have to lay at the end of my life with no emotional love from the man that I love.
Any update? That is no way to live you final days...
I am a 49 year old man.
I’m an entertainer in the Bay Area.
My Paint & Sip shows are very popular.
I have only recently realized that I am a narcissist and have decided to work hard to change it.
It has taken me a long time to find these videos as I have spent about a year in solitude learning and cultivating bonsai.
Learning to just shut up.
Learning to listen.
I will admit that all the comments are correct: I was impossible.
I lost a great many relationships and treasures due to my hubris.
After I lost everything I realized it must be me.
I started the journey inward.
The trees help me.
Now,
I watch these videos as I paint.
My job is teaching people to paint while we drink wine.
I cuss a lot and they clap.
A rated R Bob Ross.
Finding the balance of when to use my ego is hard.
I’m constantly reflecting in meditation.
My path is long.
I just wanted to share.
If you are with a narcissist
There is no getting through to them.
They have to find it within to change.
I have not had therapy yet but look forward to it.
-recovering Narcissist
I find it hard to believe you are a narcissistic. Perhaps mentally ill but not a narcissist.
Who are you gaslighting with this
@@jamesrutter4100 hahaha
Good for you!! Keep watching the videos on TH-cam.
My dream is to have a big collection of bonsai trees to cultivate (in solitude).
I left my husband 50 years ago after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids. It was tough, but if anyone asked, I would say that I never regretted my decision. I feared I would hurt myself if I stayed. That is the depth of despair I felt after 15 years with him. But of course he took over from my mother who was herself a covert narc. She groomed me well to be attracted to someone just like her. So that equals 41 years living with the crap they put out. Today at 84 I am still in therapy because I'm committed to finding the peace and full self regard that I deserve. Some days I can say I'm happy; other days I still struggle. But I still say that I've never regretted my decision.
I am 20 years your junior, though relate. Ross Rosenberg helped me understand the dynamic well, and much of his work is also on YT. Dr. C did a YT interview with Ross, a psychotherapist and expert on narcs and self love deficit. Love and light to you...
@@athena3865 Thank you!
I managed to spare myself the long and unhappy marriage. The relationship I'm currently breaking away from was a year and a half of nightmare. I spent all of it living in a haze. I could never feel myself. My feelings were blocked out. I can't imagine how much worse it could've gotten. I'm 22 - I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.
I know you posted this a year ago, but your story is giving me strength during a really difficult time. Thank you for sharing it.
Read : “power” by shaida arabi
Narcissists need supply. When you cut their fuel, they implode
Looking forward to another great topic
Thank you Dr. Carter and team Healthy
I think you've got the nail on the head. That's why I get into trouble in my family (and with others) because there's something in me that can't play the game. They say I am a stirrer. I just can't tolerate the subtle boasting, superiority and false self that they create and call it out. They say I am passive aggressive and stirring. I say I am a truth teller.
Grr
@@snowbear1877 You're speaking my kind of truth there. It irks me when people have to constantly 'humble brag', which eventually leads to boasting, and they'll gather as many acquaintances they can as an audience for it without ever having an actual friend, because actual friends call them out on it and force them to be honest with themselves, which they can't handle. Imagine going through life and spending all your energy to hold up a mask? They really don't have a clue.
Nailed it. Many thanks.
@@snowbear1877 op
When you walk into a narcissists life, you are walking into their story, where they are the protagonist and you’re just a storyline to pull out and use to make them look better or feel better.
I must have said a thousands time to the Narcissist, "Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I wasn't listening to you." I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. It wasn't me. When I left my life did a 180 degree turn for the better and I realized how much he was holding me back.
My comeback is, "I agree that you think that."
XD my😢😢
I like both these comebacks. I am going to have to use them.
My narcissist brother would always say "you don't listen" and also "you don't understand" but no that's not it... I disagree! Way different.
@@maxsiehier and it's ok to agree to disagree.
The qualities about two narcissists that have caused me to pull back to low/no contact are the devaluation and rudeness. I've taken it for years. Reached my breaking point.
Run!
@@karenk2409 , agree. Don’t break (not likely anyway since made it this far) do run.
40 caregiver mother 😖! Got me a social worker and blocked her from everything because she not only ruined my life she's now doing it to my 19 Year old son. They are fuckin lunatics.
I had a rule from after I left home, if people cannot speak respectfully I was not having contact. Now and again I'd make contact and if it was more shouting and screaming, back in the box. They are infuriated by it but it's saved me a lot of fresh hurt. I figured why did I need more hurtful material when I have plenty in the old stuff? That said, they really hate me. I mean, disinherited several times. I try but then I give up.
Lately my alcoholic sister has joined them but I know I'm constantly reviewing myself and trying to improve as a person. They really hate that!
I had to continually submit to my sister. My parents would inforce it partially due to feeling sorry for her! I broke free and found my voice at 50 yrs old. I then saw her rage against me. People say she's jealous I am not sure about that. My siblings and I want to see my mothers past bank accounts and see what really happened to her money. She put a stop to it. We are get a court order. Playing chess and my siblings are giddy with happiness to finally stick it to her. Stay tune
I was taught to never give up hope! But with them you can’t help!!
The stresses of the last couple of years have really accelerated narcissist implosions. Those of us who can adapt to changing circumstances and regulate our emotions have been able to persevere, and even grow stronger. The narcissists, not so much.
So of the can’t except what is going on it the world today.
True...although narcissistic parents still have their team of flying monkey s to do their bidding
They never learn.
@Laura Griffiths God Knows where I am. Just doing the best I can
...but unfortunately some of us Empaths become suicidal....
My ex-son-in-law is a covert narcissist and sociopath, with all the characteristics that you describe. My daughter kicked him out but he convinced the courts that he was the victim and was awarded 50:50 parenting. We are trapped as he is abusing the kids, grooming and weaponising them. They are totally traumatised and we have no choice but to stay to help and support these very sad children. Most people write about the trauma that they experience at the hands of the narc but few understand the pain of having to remain involved in order to try to support kids. The court system is a bad joke and is easily exploited by the narcissist.
That’s why I stayed 29 yrs. I knew coparenting would never work!
Frances Rowland. I prayed for your grandchildren to heal. 💙
I've wondered why this is hardly mentioned. Similar situation here. There is no way to ever be rid of the narcissist when having to co-parent with them.
They are the last people on earth that should have any part of raising children.
And the courts..well, most lawyers and judges are narcissist.
It's truth, they are not prepared to deal with one of those. Definely. Why the hell they don't use the PCL-HARE test yet?
Been going through this exact experience for the last 10 years. As a warning to others, when my oldest turned 18, he took all his belongings and went "back to dad's" while I was out of town. No warning, whatsoever. He checked himself into a mental facility (with dad's knowledge and blessing) and ghosted me. His dad wouldn't tell me where he was "because he's 18 and legally I can't." Mind you, he was still in high school, straight A student, with plans for the future. He almost didn't graduate because of this. He has subsequently train-wrecked his whole life and I've been gray-rocked. One week ago, my 16 year old has also vacated while I was out. Also ghosted me. The narcissistic parent will never stop causing damage to those kids. And the way the "system" works just gives all the power and control to the narcissist. I've been told that, at some point, you HAVE to just walk away. I've walked on eggshells around the narc, fought with everything I had for those kids, to keep them safe and keep this from happening, yet, here I am. 😢
For me, blocking and no contact has been the key to getting out of that toxic cycle with the narcissist. Every day I have nothing to do with him I feel stronger.
Yeah you have to break that cycle and not let it back in. That's when you begin to learn and become stronger.
I feel like a representative of another group of people who might stay with a narcissist for a long time. I attended a very conservative church and divorce seemed to be the unpardonable sin so I did my best to stay together. I believed that I was being a good wife, but what I wound up doing was enabling my abusive husband. After 27 years of marriage and 5 more years of separation I am divorced. My former church still supports my ex husband and believes that if I would have been more loving and respectful things wouldn't have ended so badly. I'm working through the slow process of grieving the loss of friends and a good reputation, but I'm in a much safer and healthier place. Thank you for another great video of support!
Those people were never your friends
"But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat." 1Cor5:11
Railer --. one who rails; one who scoffs, insults, censures, or reproaches with opprobrious language.
Extortioner - the act of using violence, threats, intimidation, or pressure from one's authority to force someone to
I don't know how you managed it. I only lasted 3 months. Remember you were exceptionally strong to stay, now you don't have to be so strong. Instead be exceptionally kind to yourself, like unto a little precious child.
This deception to Others: One-on-one, a Family System, or, a Group of people… Is EXACTLY WHY, we were given the Commandment, “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” It destroys lives.
I now wonder… Where do those stand in the eyes of God (He is Real), that, “Believe False Witnesses?” If both sides have NOT BEEN HEARD, then, how can a person make a correct decision? Being a decent person… I refuse to Defend Myself of the absurd… Let the unknowing join the ranks of 2nd layering of “Flying Monkeys.”
I recently watched a NDE TH-cam, where groups of people that knew each other on the earth… Were in Hell together! Some, for not Forgiving each other… I have a hard time forgiving in the ‘Midst of Being Stabbed in the Heart, having my Every Word, Twisted & Lied to a Room full of people/children (even worse), & then blamed for that Very Lie… Stealing My Belongings, is supposed to be - My Misunderstanding, etc. So, as painful as it is to Not Be Able to See my “Little People,” I do not want to engage w/the Devil!
Talk about Control: Liars, controllers, manipulators, have Democratic Control… The Chains of Hell are about their Necks! So Sad!
No Contact becomes mandatory, when the Narc has set-up a system for 100% Failure, w/ 100% compliance of their Flying Monkeys! I refuse to acquiesce to evil…. To be pulled in… Just to be Slammed-Down! Made to look like the responsible one of “intrapersonal difficulty.”
Recently w/a therapist that “Has No Concept, of this dynamic… I wanted to say (but didn’t), ‘I will not kiss the a_ _ of evil!
The Flying Monkeys -They know exactly what they are doing: Trying to keep peace w/ their Devil in the home. They have taken the BRIBE of the Future Faking Promises. They have “Sold Their Souls!”
Oh girl I feel for you! All the flying monkeys in church. Ugh. I divorced my abusive husband and now I’m also divorcing the church with all the judgmental flying monkeys as well. I’m currently looking for a group of people I can worship with who will accept me and where I feel I belong. Unfortunately churches can be full of narcissists too and many many pastors are high on the spectrum. Best wishes to you. You absolutely did the right thing getting out! There is a much better life on the other side!
THIS IS MAJORRRRRR 🥳🥳🥳🙌🙌🤯 please take a minute to pat yourself on the back again. It’s a Father forgive them for they know not what they do type thing. I had to forgive my former pastor and members because of similar. They really feel that way and that they are reading the Bible right. I was one who said hold up nope when this MAN stands before God I will NOT be standing with him. We all are responsible for our own behavior and no such thing as if you would’ve had more sex or loved him more. I’m in year two/half of therapy 👑❤️👏 and two years NO CONTACT just divorced Nov and it helped me heal so muchhhh. It was just me and God and to see the true reason why our marriage never went anywhere was mind blowing. Evil narcissist but then God showed me myself too. A people pleaser with no boundaries enabling a grown man and getting walked over. I call it exactly what the situation was ABUSE and I taught my kids by leaving it is not ok. He had a mistress in their lives two months after we separated which means they were there all the time. It’s sad but I’m freeeeee. Enjoy your freedom and peace of mind. It is priceless to get a second chance.
I've been fortunate to be able to witness a few of these such implosions and it's hilarious. Imagine a kid going exorcist mode at the mall cause his mom didn't get the toy he wanted, something like that.
Me too. It didnt strike as funny. Its not hilarious when you're on the other end and prople get abused worse when that happens. Or hit.
For me it was Target haha
@@rosemadder5547 The end result of them going ham is negative but their over the top performance is what's funny. After years of seeing the bs I felt morally obligated to call out my sister's husband for being a narc and a wannabe thug and he went full exorcist on me, the whole nine yards, his fragile ego got crushed.
Count them as miracles. I see them thriving in destroying others and intimidating others.
I actually told my ex gf after having one of her meltdowns that she was like a 3 year old screaming in a candy store or toy store... Nothing to scream about but yet it happens all the time!
I am finally out of that nightmare and with a wonderful woman now...
I remember googling "doesn't learn from mistakes" about year 5 into my marriage. I watched my husband constantly over and underestimate his level of planning or preparation for things which almost always resulted in poor outcomes. He never assessed what he could do differently for better results. The google results said "personality disorder..." I thought it was interesting because he would have a different personality in public then at home. Little did I realize at the time that "it" is way more complicated than that. Year 15 is approaching and I'm just now realizing the scope of everything and why we never grew or flourished in love or finances. Being more aware now helps me not fall for the punishment traps or grief. Definitely ready to pack up and 'move along'.
Gosh. The personality disorder is interesting
My son (pain in butt) with us whole life
I walk into his new in laws first time AND OMG..... WHO THE HELL IS THIS
He was like he'd just dropped in from planet Wonderful
Kind Decent Curtious Smiling Helpful
Like I said WTHell
BTW 2nd wife same. Unfriendly to me. Then the perfect daughter
How phoney people can be
It's imploded. Sent me not 1 not 2 but 3 so far dreadful soul destroying emails
Gone NO Contact
Now bad mouthing me
Breath.... Relax....
True friends know me
Be safe. 💖
The post you are replying to, and your reply, is my life... 37 years. Almost exact.
It will be the HARDEST thing you ever do...but leaving is the ONLY way out...Think of it as a lifeboat to get off the Titanic
I've been a narc magnet most of my life. Some were mildly annoying, some I'd just go along to get along, I divorced my ex because he became unbearable, some were friends, some were family... quite the variety. I have walked away from so many in the past few years, it's been refreshing. I've had to walk away and go Grey rock for my own sanity. And I've never been happier and more at peace than I am now. I've been married to my wonderful non narc husband now for almost 17 years. Life is great when I finally realized it was NOT me, I'm not responsible for fixing them and I can't fix people who don't think anything is wrong with them and they don't need fixing. Problem solved!! They move on to another empath and I wish them well, but I do not take it on any more!!!
Dr C, I hope you know how many people you are truly helping every day! We all need our “Vitamin C” to be healthy. THANKS!
Love it!
AMEN to that. Dr. C for president. 😄
@@denver4540 true. btw have you seen last speech of Kamala to Space forces? :) unbelievable
Yes.. & Vitamin D & Respect… DRC.. 💯💛🤍🙏
💪👈
Sadly, this describes my mother completely. Unfortunately, I can’t step away- she’s 95, has dementia, and I’m the only person responsible for her. I was able to put her in a memory care facility, where they provide the assistance she needs, and thereby limiting the amount of time I have to deal with her.
My daughter works in a nursing home. The minute the families of these horrid excuses for human beings can they put them into a facility where they continue to scream,dictate,throw tantrums,threaten everyone. Strange how the family won't answer their phone calls or come to see them. They hit,bite,kick and generally lash out until the end. I think of the guy in the Bible who threw himself into the fire. I fear some of this may be Demonic but then Jesus cast demons out so maybe they need deliverance. They just seem to get worse with age.
my mother is 86 and ive just written to her telling her to leave me alone completely, (i would describe the letter as brutal but honest. told her its over and i never want to see her again) i even told her i know about her childhood abuse , because your wonderful daughter , the golden one, has told everyone, i called her an idiot at one point , it was wonderful but almost as wonderful as the silent phone since then. i am suprised the shock of the letter didnt give her a coronary. but theres stll time
Imo that makes you a great person. When your mother passes you'll have the peace of mind knowing that you did the honorable thing even if she wasn't deserving.
@@twofry64 thank you
@@gabriellarollins5550 Yw. Hope you get the opportunity to heal. Maybe some closure, peace and happiness when she passes.
"We don't need the confusion, the Narcissist brings." thank you!
"Grieve the loss of a relationship that was never really going to happen in the first place."....wow that's exactly what happened with me...I was grieving and know I know why...and I appreciate this channel as I see that I am not alone in this experience. Thank you Dr. Les.
You're welcome.
It is like a death 💀
I can relate. I never had the mom that I thought was going to materialize someday.....the person who "depicted" a great teacher, a guidance counselor, etc. The version she showed to the outside world was so nice and caring. I kept thinking she would become a caring, EMPATHETIC mother. She is gone now. I am so glad I learned about narcissism before she died. In understanding her mental condition, I was able to care for her as a patient into her last years. It took maintaining solid boundaries, and her finally realizing that I was her ONLY person. She treated me better, knowing she was finally dependent on me to live out her last years. Though I knew it was a self-serving niceness, I took it for what it was and was able to function well. I knew what I needed to do to act within my values. She died a year ago. I wasn't either sad or glad, just flat. i had already grieved the mom I never had years ago, and I was glad I did.
@@cherylthompson2731
Yes - The death of a dream of "Happily Ever After".
It’s like Johnny Depp said to AH ‘I love you with all my heart. But you don’t exist.’
I just recently got out of a really toxic and abusive relationship with a narcissist. Listening to this is giving me AHA moments
You follow Jesse too ? X
Absolutely true!
This may seem weird to most people, but one thing that helped me is making videos and then watching and listening to myself. It's incredible how therapeutic this has been. I would say that it is similar to keeping a journal and then going back and reading your thoughts later. But watching your facial expressions when you really mean it adds depth. Our bodies have been trying to tell us things during the entire relationship. And we shut this voice down and created a paradox in our mind. Maybe it will work for you. Spilling your guts to your camera and then watching the video later can be a good repellent for a trauma bond.
I find myself being angry at myself for how much I hurt myself. In the end, a relationship with a narcissist is like masturbation. All they ever were were your best qualities reflected back at you and all you were becoming was their worst inner qualities which you absorbed. You made them up to hurt yourself. And it worked.
You spoke the truth abusive relationship.
This is the BEST doctor on the topic of narcissism! I so appreciate his validation of the pain I’ve suffered with narcissists literally ALL of my life.
Listen to Dr Ramani too. Both are God Sends
Here too 😌 like a curse , as well as having been cursed with talent gifted that was admired as well as envied hated you can't win , an why is all this coming out now this has been going on for generations , Joseph Stalin Hitler .. read up what happened in Russian revolution ... All related to narcissists.
You and a few other TH-cam creators have saved my life. I look at what I've learned, it's a gift that just keeps giving and this content is worth so much more than money. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 💜
You are quite welcome.
Dr Carter sees our suffering 💯Stay 💪 strong. God bless you 🙏We’re winning 🥇
I wracked my brain for decades as to how I could fix my relationship. As I learned, there is no fixing of a narc relationship, which I learned on TH-cam. That is something so valuable. Now my intellectual understanding is in line with what my body was telling me for decades.
My sentiments exactly- lifesaving
for my people are destroyed; for a lack of knowledge,proverbs,nkjv
I cut her supply and she almost killed me. She is heading to prison I wish more people got justice.
I can relate to the nonsensical behavior.
First, I got sued for $40K, for work they planned to do without my permission that never happened.
Then as a defense to that, they claimed it was because I owed them money for a loan they took out, only to have their own records show it was a loan to buy land that had nothing to do with me or where I live.
Now they say it's just because they don't like how I live my life, because I fell into a good business opportunity that I am doing rather well at they cant get their controlling little fingers in.
Presently their own lawyer is pressuring them to settle out of court because they are probably going to get wrecked if things go in front of a judge.
It's just been a shit show of self-owning stupidity from their side from day one.
A lot of people DON'T think this happens...
I was ALSO almost murdered by my MD ex husband...I found out he and his best friend were murdering patients at Charity Hospital in New Orleans...it took 3 years to get ANYONE to investigate it...during which time they arranged to have me murdered by mob NOPD...
It took divine intervention to stay alive..long story short...THEY GOT AWAY WITH THE PATIENT MURDERS..
BUT
the MAIN NOPD psychopath went to federal prison on a fraud conviction based on evidence given to me by good NOPD who were terrified of the mob NOPD...
LIFE IS REALLY WEIRD AND UNFAIR..BUT YOU MUST PUT THEM AWAY IF POSSIBLE
BECAUSE THEY CAN BE MURDERERS!!!!
I worry about myself in the next couple of months. Massive Implosion is on the horizon.
Ohhhh they will Robert... If they don't change, repent, whatever you want to call it... They will pay by a higher power.
@@kims2963 BULL!!!! This idea/attitude of transferring the consequences of their behavior onto something or someone else for “ultimate judgement” is literally ENABLEMENT. These monsters get away with everything they do because no one holds them accountable in the here and now. SMH.
It's never their fault. Never. Always someone else's. If you are in a bad relationship ask yourself this: Have they ever admitted even the slightest bit of true remorse? You would know true remorse-it comes vulnerable with an attempt to change. If you have never seen this with a long history of a relationship, it is time to go your separate ways.
The corollary to this of course is on the rare occasions they do get something right (usually through dumb luck or help from you) it's all their OWN doing, and look at how smart and clever they are!
It's sad, but a year ago I went no contact with someone I thought had been pretty much my best friend for 25 years. She fits the description of a covert narcissist perfectly, but I didn't understand that until after my husband and I lived with her for several months. She was very difficult to live with and definitely was passive aggressive and pouty when things didn't go her way. It was like living with a toddler. I absolutely agree that they are unrepentant and don't have the capacity for emotional development and maturity. Afterall, they are perfect and you are the problem. She had this sign on her wall at home that was supposed to be taken as a joke, but I swear it's what she really believed. It said, "I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas." If that's not a narcissist sentiment, I don't know what is.
I also recently went no contact with my best friend of 25 years! I thought we would be friends forever, hanging out in our rocking chairs at 90 years old. It hurts at times, but I could no longer tolerate her toxicity. She treated me poorly for years, but it took her getting her hooks into one of my family members behind my back to finally cut her off. I decided to choose myself over her and live a healthy, stress-free life! When I get sad, I remind myself that I am mourning what I thought I had, not what the 'friendship" really was.
My mother had a pillow embroidered with please let me live long enough to burden my children
My mother even sounds and responds like a responds like a toddler with the tone and vocabulary when she doesn't get what she wants or I point out her errors.
I can relate to the "living with a toddler" experience. Narcissistic people have the maturity level of a toddler. You can't reason with them, they want what they want when they want it and tantrum when they don't get their way. I had a "friendship" of 37 yrs that I recently walked away from. She used to be very covert in her ways but as she has gotten older she has become very grandiose. It was a difficult choice to make however with each passing day and the more I learn about the dynamics of the narcissist's behavior, the better I feel. Absolutely the right decision for me.
The thing is this stuff develops from childhood trauma, usually from the parents. These people dissociate from their broken spirit , that's why they stay children. There is a bunch of trauma healing that needs to be done
Your comments about narcissists not "updating themselves" is spot on!! That is truly the best bottomline of what is going on with these people that I have ever heard. Thank you!
She was always the victim in everything that had gone wrong in her life. I finally picked up that something was wrong when I asked her what she could have done better in her 20 year and 4 kids marriage that had fallen apart. She replied that she could have said no to letting him run up the creditcard bill when they were building a new house.
Even when I asked "her", she still blamed it on him
Wow
I recently stopped talking to or making any effort to continue either friendship or any communication with a friend whom I find to be emotionally draining. I hesitate to label people because I feel labels are often times overused and inaccurate. I know that being around her drains me and leaves me feeling sad and exhausted. I’m constantly questioning (in my own mind) things she’s told me because they don’t add up or match things she’s said over the years. Some of which are criminal. I find that I always feel sympathetic and empathetic to people who behave or act negatively, even toxic or abusive, partly, because I grew up with literally no familial support, suffered emotional and physical abuse and neglect, and basically raised myself, often times going without basic necessities. I find myself making excuses for people, (friends and family) even though I know, rationally, their behavior is inexcusable. I find myself feeling sorry for them and thinking they’re behaving in a way because they, too, are hurt individuals struggling with their own demons. I feel guilty going no contact with this friend as well as members of my own “family” that display similar behaviors, even though being around them is completely draining. I feel very alone and ashamed to admit that I don’t like my own family and at 45 yrs old I feel like I need permission to not talk to them. The only positive that came from my childhood abuse is that I have an absolutely wonderful relationship with my 22 and 18 yr old. Instead of using my abuse as a crutch to continue toxic, abusive or neglectful behavior as an adult and parent, I used it as the reason to be better. I refused to ever let my kids feel what I felt. I am definitely not perfect but my children were raised in a household that was loving and supportive and open to communication, and they have grown into wonderful human beings because of it.
You are super dialled in, impressive. Congrats on avoiding the million behavioral traps of your family of origin.
You just made me smile! A lot of your description I recognize! I said to myself that because of what you went through you are better for it, not inspite of it. I had a simlar experience and I also decided that it would not also turn me in a bitter and resentfull person. After all was my insight, I am 'captain' on my 'ship'. And you made me smile, because of it the lessons learned, I also have 2 great children similar age and we can speak open and it has given them both benefit in their young lives and helped them with their choices in living. I wish I had someone when I had their age! So it turned out for the better. And that is happiness of great value. So thank you for giving me a smile. We did ok for our kids!😉👍🤝
Best wishes. It's hard to start over again
Hi reread your post I feel for ya
@@sonjajansen8828 and yet suffer alone
We waste our time and energy trying to fix these people. Some of these relationships should never have gone beyond one or two dates ☺️. Thank you once again Dr C great advice for people who are stuck.
haha well said!!!!!
"Some of these relationships should never have gone beyond one or two dates" Well said Janet. I learned this somewhat late in life.....with far too many second chances and benefit of the doubt offered up to those waving bright Red Flags from the start. No longer....I've already given up too much of my own life to these toxic creatures.
@@chrisbillings2050 I learned late in life, too. It's okay. Just start here and move forward🤗
@@jillsy2815 Indeed I have moved forward. Narc free and lovin' life. It's never too late!
@@chrisbillings2050 Hurray🤗🙏🏽
I loved the part where you said to just put them in your rear view mirror.
When I moved out (at his request), after living with him for seven years, he wanted to then “date” me.
I never talked to him again and it felt wonderful.
We need more of society to update themselves to understanding narcissism.
@X D They say it's 6% of the population but that's based on what's admitted. Here in southern California I'd suspect the clinical disorder NPD is probably in at least 10% of the population and in 50%+ of the managers and supervisors in the corporate workplace. I've run into some really sick, toxic people at work. Many of them have been put in jail for things such as this one supervisor I had who tried to run over a police officer writing someone a ticket.
That’s the problem indeed. You’re right that a lot of people don’t realize exactly what narcissism is AND how incredibly common it is
@@EphemeralProductions This knowledge would solve a lot of problems in the workplace if it kept narcissist out of manager and supervisor positions. Businesses are losing billions of dollars all because some narcissist is harassing employees and causing high turnover.
I strongly disagree, why? Because then it becomes a witch hunt to hunt down YOU. The problem is that all the judges and politicians and CEOS and police chiefs ARE these people.
Now imagine the deflection and projection they already do by blaming YOU for “climate change” and “poverty” and “injustice” for just living your life.
Do you think they will NOT take advantage of their power over the system to hunt down US and anyone who can see through their behavior?
Because that is exactly what they will do. They do it already with everything else they get caught doing?
Like how “taxes” never go up for them, no matter how many millions or billions they have, but they only ever go up only for you and I?
It sounds good, but those of us who can see them are going to have to take this seriously and handle it ourselves. There is more of them than there are of us.
We are getting more and more of them!!
“ it is what it is” the saddest words
Encountered one at work - she was passing my work off as hers & micromanaging me. Turned out she was treating others like this too. I left the company because it was just impossible. Heard that she took her own life a few years later; maybe her deceit caught up with her. Very difficult for organisations to keep these vile people out. They present so well.
@robertsmuggles6871 Companies and people definitely take notice. People leave in a company, they are usually single and if not, they are with someone who's weak. One of my coworkers found his wife in Mexico. She needed papers and wanted to get her family to the States, he wanted someone that wouldn't leave him. They have few or no close friends. Acquaintances rarely see all their flaws and personality defects.
People take notice. There are consequences, but people are generally bad at resolving conflict, so it continues until the group or leader in these contexts get fed up with these adult children. Narcissists are frustrating and annoying. They're also pathetic.
My mom will never experience loss of supply, she keeps a constant supply at hand with her three grandchildren she "raised" and my living siblings. I stepped out of her life and she doesn't care; I didn't expect her to, but for appearances. She started a smear campaign against me when I was a child and I didn't understand any of this (I've always known she struggles with mental illness, she'll never admit it), and she's convinced my entire family, including extended family, that I'm the "problem" child and it's all in my head. I'm literally on my own and trying to figure my marriage out after learning I struggle with BPD and married a man just like my mother 20 years ago 🤦♀️ and I don't know how much my enabling is responsible for his escalating bad behavior. Prayers for all who are struggling🙏
Prayers to you. Well done for escaping from your mum ❤️
Hi, Kathy-- I'm glad you had the strength to get away from your mom! The phrase "his escalating bad behavior" worries me though, as a survivor of domestic violence who spent too much time trying to figure out the causes of things instead of removing myself from a dangerous situation. If your partner is cruel or menacing to you when there are no witnesses and if he can switch in an instant if the phone rings or the front doorbell rings, I hope you will plan your escape, very carefully and getting advice from those experienced with this. "Why Does He do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a good resource. Wishing you safety, sanity and peace.
My Narc ex is now best friends with my Narc ex mother.
Alone, but at least free!
Don't care what others think and be kind to yourself on your healing journey xx
BPD as far as I'm concerned is cPTSD manifesting itself in victims of narcissistic abuse. Try to learn more about cPTSD because when I finally realized that's what was wrong with me a huge shift began to happen in my life. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I'm so much more stable and productive although I still have physical symptoms of living in constant fight or flight after a lifetime of narc abuse. My body may never heal but my "BPD" is gone. Good luck, you are on your way to healing, too, hopefully!!
You were her scapegoat. Same here with my mom. I think it's Dr Ramani who has some videos about the family roles and scapegoats specifically, where the narcissistic parental unit is concerned.
oh, so true. boom a rang communication, always answers back, no reasoning with them, they live in a ever changing alternate reality. I'm amazed how ignorant people are. forget about intimacy, loyalty, forgiveness, peace with these people and their flying monkeys. Contempt is their constant attitude. so true, " still not my fault". so good at setting people up so they can play the victim.
It is literally sickening to the stomach the way they behave. Can't stand it. Won't tolerate it no matter the consequences.
I remember having a conversation with my ex about our past relationships. I asked him what he felt he could’ve done differently and what had he learned from them. His response was literally “nothing”. Everything was their fault and he was just overly giving. One of many lightbulb moments I had in discovering how narcissistic he is.
Witnessed an implosion only last night. This lady is a 72 year old woman with a string of broken relationships who hasn't learned one single thing from her mistakes. She lost the plot when I tried to apply a logical solution to a situation because it didn't suit her victimhood agenda. I'm hoping I don't hear from her again but if I do I know she will not apologise, she'll be simply hoovering. Thanks to videos like this, I now recognise this behaviour for what it is and know how to handle it. I won't feel guilty about going zero contact if necessary.
Little Bean , I am that 72 year old girl. I am healing from your abuse. But I am a victim anymore , more a survivor of your abuse Wang Fang Jun.
My father = he is constantly a victim ...very hateful ...pitying ..attention seeks ...
Don’t hope to never hear from her again, cut her off - take control and shun her out!
Keep away from them at all costs.
No contact Absolutely works. Go hard, Be strong
You are a gift to humanity, Dr Les. 🙏🧡
You are kind.
I'm so happy to find people who were in for the long haul. I was beginning to think I was the only one. People don't understand and I decided when I finally left I'd only share with those I was led to share with. That included family and friends. Even though it's been only six months I know I won't return to the unhappiness and craziness. I left(ran) after 39 years at age 74.. I have my own place, I'm working and yes some days it hits me like a ton of bricks. I knew something was wrong but didn't find out until I left. I had been told by an attorney that he was a narcissist four years ago but convinced myself it wasn't so. Well I miss many aspects of my old life, but I am peaceful, don't have to worry about what I say or how and I don't miss him. That has a lot to do with why I left, I am just not where I will tolerate physical abuse. Try not to beat up on yourself and not to feel guilty. I've heard it said that guilt is a useless emotion. I agree.
This was too relatable. I was a victim of my sister and now husband. As a Christian believer, I've been brought up and taught to believe the best and give people the benefit of the doubt, faith hope and love. Sadly, with Narcissists, this way of thinking, ultimately becomes harmful to the victims. I wish there were more awareness and knowledge about this in Christian circles. I'm so grateful for videos by you and others. I'm hoping to one day be able to separate myself, especially since the behavior has pretty much destroyed our home family dynamic and left me feeling helpless
Same but then God gave me the strength. I do not associate myself with darkness or chaos. I just don’t. I had to get stronger and get the childhood voices out my head to be humble always and turn the other cheek. There are MORE verses in the Bible to give balance to life and not give the enemy more weapons to destroy you. Cut them people off if God says so and it will hurt at first because we too kind but overtime once you taste the peace of being in control of just you and letting others be them you will not go back. You are only responsible for you and protecting your sanity. Don’t cast your pearls before swine queen.
I agree with your statement being raised to Love and have compassion for others. It's a real stumbling block and narcissists love to take full advantage of it. To have love and compassion for ourselves is to come first. Jesus does not want us abused as that is not love. Life has its sufferings enough.
You might like The Royal We channel also. A guy named Kevin runs it and he's christian. He talks about how the church is ass backwards when it comes to these things just like you do.
It seems to me of that one.passage in the bible is all but suggesting to keep taking slugs from people.elieve turned the other cheek means fight through despite punches.. not just put your hands down and take a punch.. but I'm not a biblical scholar and I'm just getting into Christianity finally after almost 50 years. But his stuff would have 100% resonated with me even if I was 100% atheist or agnostic like I used to be.
PS--On the other hand, when someone just wants to waste your time with drama and a useless argument, sometimes just letting go of the rope in some sudden tug of rope they sprung upon you and subsequently watching them fall into the swamp is the best thing to do🙂
...all religions are toxic because all the 'priests/imams/vicars etc' are about CONTROL....Like governments.....
So many narcissists and flying monkeys are drawn to authoritarian "fundamentalist" religions. The black and white "Us versus them" dogma provides the self-righteous justification to wallow in the false superiority and punishing, hate filled behavior they so enjoy.
Thank you so much. I need constant reminders that I'm doing the right thing by getting rid of the narc. They will NEVER change. They will ALWAYS jeopardise the relationships to maintain confusion, chaos, control. In my opinion, they're evil. I hope all the empaths can escape these people ❤️
YES, you are doing the right thing! It is hard at times because we tend to remember the 'good times' we DID have with them, cause there will be some; but we still need to move away once we've determined they are indeed narcissists because they are hurting you and no one deserves to be treated that way. I told my narcissistic sister that after yet another hurtful, rude, condescending text from her - then I went 'no contact' with her and now with my younger 'neglectful narcissistic' enabler younger sister - life has been getting better for me slowly. I know I did the right thing.
I learned it actually WAS my fault.
Imagine the ego I had thinking I made a difference.
When a person chooses to hurt others for thier own gain, they need a higher power than I can offer.
My dad is a narcissist, I finally had the courage to leave him in 2020 and I’m so grateful for it. I finally realized he would never change when he suffered two major life threatening events. He used those events to justify his abuse and controlling nature, and used them to justify why we should do everything he wants. He told us (my stepmom and I) that we were so lucky he was alive, rather than he was lucky to be alive to be with us. He wasn’t grateful to have us, we needed to be grateful that we had him. If a heart attack and beating cancer won’t change a narcissist, nothing will.
There is absolutely nothing, nada, zero life lessons that any true narcissist ever care to pay attention to. They never learn anything, they never change & with that is knowledge you are definitely dealing with a narcissist.
Freedom comes from knowing that & moving on with YOUR life.
upside down,backwards,mashing lies fer ;truth
Nothing will
I find in increasingly difficult to have any empathy for my ex. She was cruel, selfish and loved to bring people down.
These type of people reap what they sow in the long term. Have seen it.
Disinterest distance best
The more I tried to show love to my narc mother, the more she learned how to fake acting like a healthy loving mother. It made her even more dangerous, even better at manipulating me. She waited until I was at my lowest point and stabbed me in the back so badly I almost died. I crawled away to get help, and cut her off. It has been 2 years of almost no contact, and she is now almost bedridden, she has no one to suck the life out of anymore. I pray for her but from a distance. Your videos have saved my life. Thank you so much Dr. Carter.
they can live 80 or more years and still be rude and nasty to you on their death bed.
It’s like their last encore performance. Bitter to the end
But then.....they meet their Maker!
@@marym8028That is just fantasy.
The older they get oh it gets worse 😮
Family never discards them...always someone trying to save them...
They are always right, never wrong and if you disagree w/them look out--they implode. The controlling, know it all, bossy nature of these people is exhausting to be around. Also, if you give them an inch into your life they want to take a mile. Second chances w/these people don't work as they cannot help themselves and implode again and again on you. Spot on Dr. Carter. Thank you.
You're welcome.
The real scary part is just how many of them are in this world
Yes.
I loved how he said "All of that is...patently false." I might use that.
Thank you so much. I found your videos a few days ago and for the first time in 45 years my life makes sense. I spent my whole life believing that I am a defective human being. It's like you gave me the cheat sheet for why I am the way that I am. You have helped me more than I can say. Thank you.
You are somebody important. 💗
@@Morganistas thank you
Helped you understand you're a narcissist?
Confused what you meant!
How sad to read what you just wrote - but good to see that you've discovered Dr. C's videos ... if I may, I'd recommend: go on watching them, there are so many of them by now and they'll do you good, one or two doses of this "medicine" per day won't go amiss :-D
May you be able to enjoy the next 45 years (or more!) in peace and contentment. Best regards + all the best wishes from an elderly German woman who benefits from Dr. C's videos a lot. They are comforting, they're rather funny at times in spite of the seriousness of the topic ... I think "deadpan" is the right word, and they're like balm for wounded souls.
It’s amazing how they’ll continue to try and hoover you in years later. It’s never because they’ve come to value you as a person. It’s always because they need the drug that you provide.
I agree that we become the supply (drug) that they need. And, in trying to walk in a minefield, we become co-dependents. A marriage or relationship with a narcissist is doomed sooner or later. But, remember that, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So, live it fully, with peace and joy.
I expect it's also because they. cannot. lose or ever be wrong.
Yes, they treat you like you are a problem when you're around,then they freak out when you want to leave.
I realized that well-adjusted people could look at a difficulty between themselves and others and ask themselves, "What was going on immediately before the disaster happened? Was there anything I did that might have contributed to or caused the friction?" But narcissists don't do that. They can't.
I had a "boyfriend" a couple of years ago who needed to choose between the immediate gratification of going into a rage and the deferred gratification of maintaining a good relationship with women. But then I realized that his programming was such that he didn't see that maintaining a good relationship with women was gratifying: any problem in his relationship with them was their fault, because "women were after his money, or were cheaters, or ..."
This is gold , I’ve met these people . They can charm you and destroy your life and never realize what they do.
They realize....don't underestimate them. They just don't care, or some of them actually take pleasure in destroying your life. I know....been there....suffered that.
I have opted for zero contact. Life has become so sweet!
My father, who was an amazing Dad, died about 18 months ago. Since then, my narcissistic father-in-law has rejected me even more. I just wanted to thank you for all the “fatherly” advice I’ve received from these videos. It’s helped me through a really tough times. God bless you in all you do. Thank you.
Wow, similar happened to me from my stepscumbag
I understand thus dynamic, I think. Now your father-in-law is showing his real colors now that your dad is not there to see him or support you. I am so sorry. I’m so glad you had such a wonderful dad.
I have analyzed and replayed ad nauseum the way I handled things and how I could have done it differently so the friendship would not have ended painfully. Maybe if I said this? Or that? Or done that instead? Over and over and over I have thought of different things I might have said or done.
It has finally occurred to me that there was no way to get out of that entangled, enmeshed friendship without it getting ugly. No way to end that toxic mess of a non-relationship without fireworks.
I hope I see the red flags more clearly next time and walk away from the narcissist. I’ll save myself a lot of grief.
You are spot on. My wife had to resolve an inheritance with three narcissistic siblings. Two years later and two attorneys finally got it resolved. The three have been deleted from our lives. Yes they are imploding!!!💥☄️🌪
Going through this stressfull
Spent another night on edge, rechecking ways out of the windows... just in case. Again. Looking forward to this one for sure.
Sis. It’s time now. After my narc had a moment of clarity and threw his firing pin in the bay, I knew it was time. Save yourself and learn how God sees you to recover. And then write His promises on your heart to recite when memories come. It’s a spiritual battle with the spirit of jezsbel/narcissist. BUT RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE WITH NO CONTACT ❤️🙏🏼safe journey.
Open that Window Wide and Go , you will reap the rewards , I went out the Door while he was away , Life is Beautiful now because that's what I have made it.God Spread You.
My heart and prayers go out to you. 🙏🏻
My prayers and positive thoughts are all for you. Keep reminding yourself that you don't deserve to be treated like this and contact your local Domestic Violence office. They will help you plan a way to escape. You don't have to live in fear if you start getting a plan together. Just don't tell him what you're doing. I know you can do it. I did it and so have others. These videos helped give me strength and taught me how these people are. They'll never change except to get worse, and it happened to me. Good luck and best wishes 🙏
Thank you for the validation I'm finding in these videos. I had to eliminate a 'friend' from my life after 30 years of trying to get along. There were those who thought it was craven of me to simply cut off contact and refuse to respond to ANYTHING, but I knew perfectly well no discussion was going to get me anywhere---a formal 'break up' would simply turn into yet another escalating wrangle with me being backed into a corner and screamed at. Again. It was freaking killing me. Once I took him on a weekend visit with family and they asked me later why I was hanging out with someone who obviously disliked me so much. I wish I had put together the string of people who were 'dead to him' after years of 'friendship' and understood they were all just saving themselves from his toxicity. I lost so much time given over to placating, walking on eggshells, making myself small, overlooking horrible comments, going along with things I didn't want just to keep the peace. Deep scars.
I am attempting to extricate myself from a 'friend' that is turning out to be a covert narc. None of my other friends ever wanted to be around her and I was not seeing why. Now I see it. I feel as if I am living a mirrored existence. I see myself as strong and capable yet when around her I feel invalidated, cheap, ignorant and illiterate. How does that happen?? I moved 600 miles away and she can still do it to me with texts and phone calls. I have had enough.
I was with one for six months. What a trip that was. Couldn't do anything right. The look of hate in her eyes. Silent treatment. Before I realised what I was dealing with, I confronted her about cheating etc as I could see the mask was falling off and she was being very secretive. Although she never admitted it, I was told from various sources she was. She found her new supply in July. I wrote letters to try and keep us together as I genuinely loved her and her three girls. That was before I found out what was going on. Im struggling, but managing to keep a lid on it. No contact after she asked if we could at least be friends. The joker. Her eldest daughter I still help out as she sees what's going on and wants out. The other two, I dread to think. Stay strong. Regards from the UK
Gee, only 6 months!
I sense perhaps her love bombing, and her mask coming off.
I had a sister who met a guy and when she didn't like his boundaries etc, she went right against him. She told me she contacted her previous guy again, saying he was "nice all the time". But he had moved on.
I just thought, what a cheat my sister was.
I hope you're okay. It's terrifying how much damage a narcissist can do in such a short amount of time. Mine was a year and a half and completely destroyed everything I used to love. My passion for art and creation, shattered. My ability to connect to others, torn to shreds. My confidence, eviscerated.
I'm grateful to hear you escaped after only six months. I know it doesn't erase the damage she clearly did, but you're clearly smart enough to realize when something's wrong. I'm happy you were able to protect yourself so early, before things got worse. It's a sign that you'll be able to defend yourself in the future. I hope you're okay today.
I always have to give you a big thank you. You always seem to talk about exactly what I need to hear just when I need to hear it. It means a lot. My son married a narc. Now he is acting like one and they came Easter and almost destroyed me. I am having to make plans to separate myself from my once close son. This is a hard one. It just can’t work when I am healing from being the scapegoat all my life from my own families abuse. Please keep me in your prayers.
You’ve got an online family here who value you, We’re in this together and we’re winning 🥇👍God bless you 🙏
Donna: I'm afraid your situation is not as uncommon as you might think, apparently. As I have been healing and learning about this, I found these wonderful, competent people online (I started reading about this on Facebook, then found TH-cam!) and, esp. on TH-cam - Dr. Ramani is another fabulous, validating person!!!
I went through abuse from the sub human family I was trapped into, as well. I married a closet pedophile and grandiose narcissist - I was quite young and uneducated - and, who I did not want to marry. But, as a single mother, I thought it would be best for my son to be in a "family". As said, due to being uneducated and inexperienced (there was very inappropriately, 26 years difference between my then husband, and myself [further - I did not realize it at the time, but, I must have been a pedophile's dream, bc I looked younger than I was, as I was thin, and, sometimes sickly with tonsillitis. I was working, and out of high school]) I did not know what I was in for. I was the Narcissistic supply for the whole family, and was treated "less than" esp. from the step daughter, as well as her father/my husband, at the time. My son was a VERY GOOD kid but as he grew older, he also adopted that sleazy family's attitude, when he was in his thirties.
He also became a willing pawn/ flying monkey/ and, at times, a mercenary for the step daughter. - The step daughter had designs on her father's whole Estate and did not want to divide it between her (step daughter- the result of her father's first marriage), and myself. She tried, and was mostly successful in grabbing her father's whole Estate/ Inheritance for herself. She did everything possible to marginalize me out of that sub human family. I end up alone, and it took quite some some to get over it, but, I feel better, and have No desire, whatsoever to ever see the former son again.
I love that Dr. Carter characterizes narcissists as "junkies", bc they get Narcissist supply whenever, and wherever...and are junkies to bullying people. Interestingly, I was beginning to think of them as such, and I hear Dr. Carter say this - what a validation.
@@wayforward6928 thank you that means a lot. God Bless.🙏
@@meredithheath5272 wow. So sorry to hear that. My prayers are going up for you. My two sister just stole my inheritance and I have been abused all my life. I have healed mostly through Christ but I still have those day. I have great loving friends so I thank God for that. But my son moved 11 hours away to be w his narc wife and her alcoholic family. So I have to let him go. It’s breaking my heart. But he playing flying monkey now w my narc sis. Time to walk away.
@@donnagray685 Yes, we need a virtual Group Hug to us all! Hugs to you - I hope you are finding your way. 💞
I think your counseling is a great comfort to those who have been emotionally torn
None of us need these awful toxic people in our lives
Keep leaning forward, Penny!
Gracias! Yes! I just told him that this afternoon. "Will you please Shut Up!" Please!!!
i am going through a divorce with such a person. he is a bully yet playing the victim. Without your videos, it would have been really maddening for me because there is no reasoning, self-reflection, acceptance, nothing… Dignity, respect, civility are indeed the values we need to hold on to in order to be able to continue our lives as much as we can while getting constantly dragged into their mind games and chaos. I am grateful that I am emotionally free. It has taken me years to break the trauma bond, abandon euphoric recall and magical thinking. They not only don’t change but also get worse over time.
You are right. I was hoping for mellowness with age but is absolutely no happening
my relationship with a narc is long over but I am still amazed at how much blame he aimed at me..how much time I wasted trying to improve the relationship or reaching out to him. What a waste of a life - actually two - the narcissitc and their negativity and what they do to the person closest to them.
The Narc always told me he had trust issues with everyone and that’s why he was so hard on me. I never saw him do others the way he did me though. Then he would say the other people didn’t matter. Only I did. So yeah, they definitely spew all of their mess on the person closest to them.
@@brittanyalonge My ex once said that he didn't get upset with others for the same behaviour that from me would result in him sulking and lecturing me because it 'wasn't important' when they did it. He had this extreme sensitivity to being interrupted at any point in a discussion, no matter how long he had been talking. He would pout and sulk and act so wounded and cold. He would say it means I'm thinking of my response and not listening. But it didn't. It was because I needed to respond to a specific point he had made before I forgot what I had to say. He would drone on for so long. Did he expect me to take notes in case I thought of something? He was so fragile and egotistical. Wasted 6 months of my life being gaslit, devalued including being insulted about anything less than perfect about my appearance (which was many times better than his), and blamed for all the conflict between us, having my family dysfunction thrown at me every time. But at least I dumped him before we got to the discard stage.
@@thinkingallowed7042 Have you noticed that many of them are incessant talkers? The only time you get to speak is when they are sleeping, taking a drink or a mouthful of food? I watched my Nex talk to two complete strangers for 45 minutes while we were on vacation at the beach. They never said a word! She talked for 45 minutes solid! I felt sorry for them but all I could think about was that I was so happy it wasn't me having to listen to her talk in circles about nothing! On and on and on constantly about nothing!
Yes, and another one the narc said to me was... "I don't have this problem with anyone else". Haha. Like it's all me. What a joke! I'm like well that's not what all your other train wreck of relationships have shown. I agree with your comment... Why did I waste my life? Better late than never!
@@kims2963 I got that one too!
I had a narcissist friend. She was nice to me when I was useful, such as looking after her pets while she went on holiday, but exploded when I made her look less then perfect compared to me and didn't do what she wanted. By the time I decided to ignore her I was relieved. Yet her boyfriend who is treated like dirt keeps going back for more, just because she's an attractive woman and her parents are wealthy.
Oh my goodness, check, check, and more check the list of emotions described by Dr. C. The Pandemic afforded me almost 2 solid years of no contact with familial abusers. I'm ashamed to admit this but I feel like 'the party's over’ now that most of the country is returning to life as we knew it. 2 weeks ago, I had a complete meltdown in anticipation of having to endure the holidays with these people. Some holiday huh?!
Leave them where they are , you owe nobody your loyalty if it is not returned.
Roz Doyle, there's no loyalty on their part. I'm simply their supply. Going Gray Rock was a comfort but the unexpected and guilt-free No Contact was AWESOME! I guess reality just hit hard.
I've recently started having panic attacks again and it all started this past weekend when I basically had to endure family narc-abuse. I also see a lot of selfish traits and lack of empathy in partner which triggeredthis as well. Sadly I think I've been baited and switched again.
@@booradley9063 I’m praying that all you learned about narcissism during your time away from them you will now use to propel your forward and stay away from them or stand up for yourself !
There is no reason why panic attacks should come back .
Stay calm and live the self love you have taught yourself .
Please!💞
Me too, dreading having to deal with their reactions when I won't go back to attending "family" functions. Roz is right, just because they are relatives, doesn't mean they deserve our loyalty.
What I hate so much about dealing with N's is that it's so wearing emotionally, that it takes your energy away from caring for the people who do rightfully 'need' support, or relationships that could be mutually supportive. It's a whole lot of people who lose out.
I got out of a narcissist relationship by taking a trip. They went batsh*t crazy but I left town and got my head on straight.
That is what I say "bat sh*t crazy!
I was "raised" by a narcissistic mother, an only child. I had a 'nervous breakdown' when I was 37 and narcissism wasn't among the terms used in the progress of my treatment, only "emotional illness". The term "narcissism" didn't enter the picture until the comments about the 45th president being a narcissist but before that, I sensed he had traits I was encountering in myself. I'd say my break at 37 was the first part of my "implosion" but the most painful has been since I retired and my wife passed away several years ago. My condition seems very intense as I took on many of my mother's twists to get by in my formative years. She's passed away now but I maintained a distance from her later in life and didn't let her manipulate like she had done earlier but now it's about deceiving myself with those traits. This is the other side of the coin, living while knowing the condition has to somehow die. The shame involved takes a toll on my body, a suffering that cannot be avoided - one counsellor brought it to my attention that I had been raised in a shaming environment. A book I read about recognizing shame pointed out that it has physical effects causing suffering.
I can relate to this, at the end of my relationship with my ex I would get these feelings and I never wanted to be with him or contact him, because I knew it wouldn’t be anything nice he had to say. I walked away and went no contact and now he is tormenting his new supplies but sometimes now if I happen to run into him, I feel sick and have that feeling of dread in my stomach as soon as he leaves the vicinity the relief is overwhelming.
If we would only learn sooner than later to honor our body signals more and separate ourselves from those that are poison to us. I grateful when I hear younger adults learning this as the poison does sicken us in various ways.
Yes I experience these feelings too just thinking about the narcs in my life, I am now no contact with both for at least 2years.
Mother and ex Husband..both coverts.
I just now came across this and can attest that #1 I have two puppies who give me joy #2 I went no contact 6 years ago with my stepson after over 30 years of being his “doormat”… I am now free of him! It took me a long time to get other family members to understand where I was coming from … but I’m in a good place and others have come to recognize his narcissistic behavior !
9:00 If you go continuously out of your way to "Straighten" them, you will become like them. So a time has to come when "enough is enough." And go no contact.
Yes I had to after 40 plus years. Such a hard thing to do
(TRUTHFUL)