You say you were a "co-narcissist?" I don't mean to intrude; I'm curious because recovery from narcissism is a faint hope I have for my younger son, who is following in his narc father's path, unhappily. I would love to believe some narcs can recover.@@annastinehammersdottir1290
That is so true! My narc husband is always the angry one. If I ever dare be mad, that never suits him, he has to be madder, like, how dare you be angry, I am the only one who has the right to that emotion. Maddening!
Idk. The only times I get mad at my gf are when she's mad at me. She gets mad at me almost every day for things that even vaguely trigger old traumas. I missed closing a window yesterday before turning the heat on, and she got mad at me for it. We rarely open that window. I didn't get mad back at her for that, but I often do get mad at her for being angry at me, usually when it triggers my own trauma of people punishing me for being sick. Being disabled, financial issues are a common thing that triggers her, causing her to trigger me. But both of us have gotten better as we've aged. Ten years ago, she'd try and bottle it up, and she'd stomp and sulk around the house for days before we'd talk it out. Today, it takes a few minutes. And I've been unlearning the sexism inherent in our culture, as well as dealing with my own trauma. Neither of us are full blown narcissists. Neither of us are sadistic. Neither of us gaslight the other. Neither of us virtue signal or scapegoat or bully. We're just traumatized.
dated a narc girl, 23 yo model. lovebombed devalued and discarded me after 9 month. at the end she hit me on the shoulder. i laughed it off, year later she assaulted her best friend in public hit him in the face multiple times. i can totally see how she could have turned into a violent frenzy like jodie arias. They look like the sweetest angels but there are wolfs. danger.
I’m speechless. That is diabolical. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced, I’m sure this was the final straw among numerous egregious acts. I’m so glad for you that you were able to separate from this creature.
I am so sorry this happened to you. At a time of ultimate grief and shock at your mom’s passing, I wonder how anyone could be so cruel. I pray you had others to help you and listen to your sadness and be a true friend to you. May our Father in Heaven bless you and be your best friend always. Sending love and my prayers to you✝️❤️
@@DouglasNicholson-ff6epdealing with narc abusive husband and currently divorcing. Been no contact. You are right! I had to go that route. Mine adulterous even before the marriage really. All his past relationships he thinks it's okay to cheat and his exes did the same but NOT ME! He moved on with the new supply and it's only been 4 months and not divorced. He will have H$ll to pay after fumbling an Earth Angel.
The final sign to me was when I bared my heart to him. I said that we could start fresh and try to make our marriage better. It was hard to be so honest and vulnerable. I even told him that I apologized for my part in the problems. I really laid my heart and feelings open. After I finished speaking, he said nothing! After a couple minutes of dead silence I asked, "Don't you have anything to say about what I just said"? He took a draw off his cigarette (didn't even look at me) and said "NOPE"! At that moment, I knew it was over and that he wasn't worth my time or effort anymore. I took that as the ultimate sign of contempt towards me!
I’m so sorry - I had the identical experience, after sharing your most intimate thoughts and emotions you get, “nope”or “yep” while staring at a screen.
It's almost unbearable pain this type of behavior causes. I've been in that same situation. A cold knife in my heart wouldn't have hurt any worse. That's what really opens your eyes to how evil they are.
I've watched two narcissists go to their graves never changing a single part of their personality. It was a sad waste of life and a terrible, destructive disruption to those around them for decades.
Seems to be the way as going Grey rock all the time gets old. That number one hook of "trust me" is very real and very harmful with these types. The intimidation domination forms of communicating don't stop. It is also quite true that those hate filled types get worse with age. Anyway, hope the spirit of love and truth gives generous hugs to all the true empaths that have suffered by these cruel types. Ultimate betrayal if family members. The rage inside the abusive narcissist is deadly but knowledge is power. I often wonder if it's organic in nature as the irrational rage and hatred is unending. Also true how the empathic ones are always open to therapy to grow and the perps won't ever consider their crimes. Happy Holidays to everyone. I pray no one is injured during this season. There is a pattern during such gatherings of hypocrites and perverted minds that plan to hurt someone they claim to love. Very epidemic and very real. A virus of the soul. Anyway...sorry too wordy.
I loved that phrase when you said it!!! That’s what I felt like since I was little! Beaten, told I was soooo negative, never any positive or comforting words. Slapped and backhanded, for standing up to her.(When I was a young adult with a sweet, lovable baby and hardworking, compassionate, very supportive husband!) She was vendictive, had a GREAT OUTSIDE PERSONALITY, and then an opposite home one. No one would ever believed she abused us, even some family members who saw and heard the abuse. No one ever tried to help. But, back then that’s what happened. It was the Parents prerogative to do what they did to “straighten us out “!!!! But I know FINALLY, That is was NEVER MY FAULT!!!!! No matter how badly and hurtfully I was treated, I would always come back. You know why?? Because even though I didn’t receive love from her, I still craved any attention I could get. I JUST WANTED HER TO L O V E ME!!!!! Now in my old (69) years, with therapy, and listening to the great Dr. and his so helpful videos, I am finally able to see and understand the true meaning behind the behavior; she is a horrible NARCISSIST!!!! Sorry this is so long , but I hope and pray that someone will read this and find help, compassion, love, and forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness!! Realizing that you are not a loser, you were abused by a NARCISSIST!!!!! And you have got to get help and finally know what a wonderful, caring, loving, compassionate and empathetic person!!!!! Thank you for reading this!!!!
Hardest part is not having support of anyone who knows them Everything gets manipulated to be as if we are the ones doing something to them and everyone else
Welcome to my world! I grew up in a HUGE extended family/community. About 15 years ago, I was forced to end contact with my eight siblings. I knew that my decision might jeopardize my relationship with everyone. It was MUCH worse! It has been difficult, but there was no other option for me DECADES
EXACTLY. I particularly love it when people who have spent maybe 2 weeks worth of time total with the person YOU lived 24-7 with for 30 years, yet they somehow think they are a better judge of the narcs character and motives than you are. Ridiculous.
@@nicholecornes1915 It’s weird how their eyes look ‘dead’ no emotion, no warmth just black & my ex ‘s eyes got darker before he entered into one of his ‘rages’
They never admit they hurt you. They never say they are sorry. And because the narcissist in my life was a parent, that parent never wanted me to do well. And because that parent was my father, I believed him. I went no contact as soon as I could and that was the best thing I did regarding him.
So true. When I point out to my narc "friend' that she insulted me or publicly humiliated me, she says "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you are offended". Bogus apology
They can be quiet, smarmy, smiling and sinister. Contempt can be tightened facial muscles & tightened lips. It’s all about control. Not all narcissists are extroverts! Covert is scary.
Yep, 30 years wasted on a covert, and the worst is the behind the scenes manipulation of the kids against you. They are willing to destroy a parent and child's relationship in order to feel like they won some freaky game only THEY were playing.
Yes my mom was a covert narcissist and I spent most of my young adult life reading self help books trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It is the most insidious because you are truly the only one who knows it is happening because they are the most wonderful person to the rest of the world. I was married for 29 years to someone who was not as bad as my mom but his montra was "I don't care". The conversation that made my final decision to divorce was explaining to him how I felt. His response was "What about me? and "I don't have to change". I said "No, you don't". Best decision and my true freedom day was the day my mom passed.
Ruins every holiday, birthday, anniversary. Withholds anything that you show you want or need. Including all emotional and physical intimacy. There are literally endless ways they can hurt you by withholding.
Tracking with what you are saying here, I've said the single ingredient that pushes a person across the line into narcissism is the willingness to exploit, which is pretty much what you're saying too.
I have been abused, shouted at and hurt in multiple ways by siblings who should have cared for and helped especially as they had taken my help so much earlier. I have now cut off all contact and its peace by God for sure. I still see some folks falling into this web of deceit of use and manipulation - Pray for all people who have been abused and are still going through such abuse
I can testify that the narcissist gets worse with age. They take no accountability for their actions and the discard becomes evermore present to where there’s almost no relationship at all. Like two strangers living in a house doing their own thing - nothing that even slightly resembles a marriage with support and love. this is the loneliest most hurtful relationship that I’ve ever been in and I have so much deep, rooted anger for how we’ve ended up he accuses me of being the narcissist because my rage over the top and I can hardly contain it
Just got divorced after 25 years three children he was leading a double life going to prostitutes and transgendered bring home STDs. This is unbelievable, but I am so happy just to be alone and have some kind of peace of mind although I do have complex PTSD I believe because my mother was also a narcissist I’ve dealt with this my entire life.! But even if I’m alone for the rest of my life, I’d rather be alone then deal with any craziness anymore! And they sure do have contempt he keeps on saying he loves me and I said you don’t love me you can’t stand me you hate me still trying to beg for me back even after this! I’ll be happy if I never have to see him again in this lifetime! a cord cutting this lifetime past lifetime and any future lifetimes! I see him on the other side I’ll just walk right by! I pray for him for one nothing to do with him! I’m repulsed
I understand your suffering. Yes, this sounds exactly like my marriage. They will never see their abuse of people. It's the worse roller coaster ride unless you get off. When you start living not for them, be prepared. If you go out and about without them, they will find ways to ef with you, in your absence. Breaking things that matter to you or hiding necessary things for your daily life is justified in their mind. They are not above messing with your food and drink. They will go through all of your personal things. But, you will be having a life outside their control
Rage is a very common response to narcissism. I got to a point where my anger was out of control. I had to learn to accept my anger and recognize where it was coming from. Once I gave it a voice, so to speak, the anger no longer controlled me. Oh I still get angry, but now I am the one in control of my emotions, and not the other way around.
So many words when only 1 will do. Hatred!!! Indeed! Hate for themselves and everything else. Dr. C helped me see that many videos ago. Leaving everyone in confusion to describe that basic truth. Which is another thing they HATE~Truth!
That’s me. Married 28 years to narc and just now I’m learning what he is. Never knew there was a name for his behavior. I’m not leaving my home which is my refuge. I cant
@@netta96 Yup, that's one of the first things I used to say when I discovered my ex-friend was narcissistic. Best thing I can say is thankfully we at least know about this now so we won't have to go through the bullshit again.
I was at an all time low last night. My sister is a soul sucking demon. Narcissist enjoy destroying the hopes and dreams of others without batting an eye and are so proud of the pain they know it causes them.
Realize that she is in her own world, you only have a role as source of Narc supply. Ease yourself out and don’t let any Lovebombing delay your escape.
I'm sorry to hear that. My sister is the same, I grew up in her storm and I'm finally breaking free at 28🎉 I wish you all the luck on your healing journey. Keep your head up
Agreed. Yet keeping their boundaries closed. Poking fun at ordinary things - projecting hang-ups and complexes upon others. Dangerous, unhealthy, toxic.
Problem I had was to help my parents, which were useless immature individuals lacking any interest in working. Prefer to lean on my older sister and me to support and have a "free ride in life." Got tired of this and moved out at age 28. I wanted my own life not dedicating more years to my mother who didn't care for us and called us "parasite." instead of children or by our names.
@@marinat187 Indeed! The thing about overcoming narcissism is you have to deal with the wreckage of the past first. It's the shame, embarrassment and regret that keeps one bound by narcissistic chains. Once the childhood issues have been 'healed', at least in my case, the terrible narc behavior started to diminish.
I knew my father was gone when I asked him if he'd prefer I was in a coma and he said "I don't know, you tell me" and then told me to my face that he didn't respect me as a person. Now every time I see him, I can see his hatred for me in his eyes.
There are some who say that they forgive you, but then later on, they throw the thing in your face. They can’t even be honest. I say it’s like storing your faults like a squirrel stores nuts, and they use it later.
Or maybe you say sorry and then do again. Then say sorry and do it again. Then say sorry and do it again. Then say sorry and do it again. Then say sorry and do it again. Maybe they are tired of you doing the same thing over and over and over after they said they would forgive you only for you to turn around and do it again.
So true. The narc “friend” once said to me ‘I may lack empathy but I’m not a c…” I thought - ah - so you do know then. You know there’s something wrong with you. Didn’t stop them playing emotionally abusive mind games and treating people who befriended this covert and tried to help them with increasing contempt and disrespect. They were indeed a c….
I still get mad at ppl close in my circle and want to 'do this to them'! I still get stuck in my grandiosity and get pissed at friends who aren't appreciative enough of my beneficial place in their lives! God help us all........I was raised by 2 narc's....in my best opinion.
wow. yeh. i realised a while ago that my mother loves the self that her ego tells her she is. She says ''I love you but......'' and it's always something along the lines of ''can't hear this'', ''can't hear you'', ''what you say makes no sense''. She has a forcefield around her false persona to prevent her from receiving the tiniest bit of feedback. I don't mean criticism when I say feedback! That isn't code for me being critical! I asked her, pleaded with her, to stop labelling me sensitive and paranoid. She got so defensive and cold shouldered me for four years (so far) because she is perfect and the victim. I've acummulated more labels, aggressive, insane, detached from reality et cetera
I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH WATCHING & LISTENING . . . . MY FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST PISSES OFF MY ( NARC . ) WE WERE BOTH RAISED IN A LARGE CATHOLIC FAMILY MY ELDEST BROTHER 👺👹♨️ IS A " TEXT BOOK " NARRASISTIC SOCIOPATH
I never knew they could be redeemed. And I'm not going to let them "practise" their redemption on me either. If they believe they've changed - let them create a new life for themselves - as I have done. I owe them nothing.
My narcissistic sibling lived in the same community as our mother and me. In the space of a few weeks, he raged at his few clients, packed up his belongings from the home our mother built for him, and moved to distant state to live in the same neighborhood as his only child, her husband and their young family. Mom, his lifelong enabler, is thrilled because "he's finally happy." I wish him no harm, but firmly believe he's learned nothing, wouldn't recognize or accept true happiness if it was hand-delivered to him, and has merely shuffled the deck of potential narcissism targets because he'd run out of candidates here.
I’ve been able to both cuss out the narcissist, feel great for getting that out of me, then release & walk awY & move on with no further contact & I am very happy living my life. The fact that I let em have it was very gratifying & moving on also very gratifying.
I tried the delicate detachment, setting boundaries route with my family member. It worked for a while. Unfortunately, once I let my guard down, she snuck in through the "back door" and came back with a vengence!! I had no choice but to totally cut her out of my life . How my life has changed. I never knew life could be so uncomplicated., so peacful. There is no other way to go. No contact is the answer. Boundries do not worK! Blocking is imperative.
“I refuse to be a receptacle for your internal chaos!” THAT is going to be my internal mantra when I think about or deal with the narcissist in my life! And I will say it to them. I will also say, “I refuse to allow my children to be the receptacles for your internal chaos!”
@@SurvivingNarcissism I understand these concepts and how to deal with narcissists... my parents and family are acting like this, but I need a way to convince my mom to leave a dangerous situation where the doctors have advised she move due to over EPA limits of chemical exposure in the air on a full-time basis. I need a way to get past her defense mechanisms and denials and stalling and get her to listen to the doctors and move out. A lot of changing topics, manipulating, getting emotional, trying to flip the situation and accusing and blaming... all ways to take the focus off her needing to move. We have 10 dead neighbors since we discovered this chemical exposure, these are ALL the neighbors... all dead, 1 dead dog and everyone got sick or symptoms.... local officials can't/won't help, nor will the police... so I need a way to temporarily get past her defense mechanisms so she can see the danger she's in. Edit: she desperately wants to see a therapist with me but I know it's just so she can triangulate and gang up on me and try to weaponize the therapist and the therapist will know nothing about chemical exposure and physical sciences.
My narcissist becomes difficult when he's angry or hurt. He can't handle his anger and he acts out then pretends to accept accountability and apologize. It's a cycle of bad behavior and apologies (not just with me, he has to often apologize to our kids and other people because his tantrums have happened in front of the kids). He apologizes because he knows he's backed into a corner and HAS to admit fault but he still deep down blames others. I've finally put my foot down and filed for divorce. Initially the shocked forced him to say "I'll do whatever it takes to fix this and not to lose you" but then once again, even facing divorce, when his anger comes out he can't even resist playing the victim and blaming. He angrily signed up for therapy, he angrily agreed to do couples therapy, and even something like praying every morning has turned into a huge debate. Me not allowing him to place blame on me makes him so angry...he can do 900 things but wants me to get on my knees and apologize if I FINALLY react. In other words he wants to be able to behave badly and I should NEVER react, even if the reaction is divorcing him. He behaves as ir even though he has messed up tremendously I should chase him or beg him 😂 yeah right!!!! I'm not a good victim because I have standards, expectations, and boundaries and not that all of those things have been crossed and disrespected, IM OUT! I'm not his mother, I'm not his therapist, and I will no longer be his wife so he will no longer be my problem! The more time he's away from me the more I realize how much I've lacked peace and how much I need it back in my life ❤
Their disorder DEMANDS that they behave this way. It's like being with a rabid dog, it can't help being dangerous. All we can do is get away. They are severely dysregulated with no self containment. Something went severely wrong in their developmental years.
Damn, I could have written this. We have two teens and then almost exactly a year ago I had a surprise pregnancy. This was during a time where he was making a whole bunch of promises to me. When I found out I was pregnant I told him that I will NOT raise another kid in a yelling, dysfunctional household, and that things needed to be well on their way to improving or I had no choice but to leave. A YEAR ago. We have a wonderful four month old but my husband has not changed anything. He's forcing my hand. And both of our teens are 100% behind me because they adore their baby brother and both said they won't let this happen again, that if he doesn't get help we all need to leave.
I found simply laughing directly into the narcissist face, looking them in the eye, and laughing at them is the best feeling in the world. Thanks, Doc.
I went no contact with my narc sister in June of 2020 after she said she didn't respect me or love me and that there was only one person in her life that she never wanted to hear from - me. So much contempt! On April 1st of this year, I received a letter from her. My daughter offered to open it up and read it, but I wrote 'Refused. Return to Sender' on it. I know now that she will never, ever change and to go back to having a relationship with her would mean I would be back to being abused by her.
Good on you, friend ❤ I've been n.c. with my blood sibling, after she inserted herself into my dying stepmother life, where I couldn't go say my goodbyes, becuz "she" was there..my "father"(another narcissist) told me to "wait a few days"!! While "she" was there!! "She" who had treated mom like crap & even told her she Hated her!! Soooo, yeah, N.C!! Much better off now!! I will occasionally call the father, just to see of he's still alive!!😊
A healthy person can eventually become very contemptuous against a narcissist also, in a healthy way. They end up feeling angry and hateful about all the abuse when they stay determined to not be run over roughshod by the narcissist. In this case the contempt is healthy and they’re able to use this contempt to exit the relationship and seek better for themselves.
Good point. It is normal to feel angry at being the target of abuse, and the best use of that anger is to end the relationship permanently. The problem is when people either can't or don't leave - they stay connected and their anger and contempt takes on a life of its own. They start to take pleasure in taking revenge on the other, and it does become a kind of prison.
my narc ex is the only person i have ever felt hatred and disgust towards out of hundred and hundreds of people i met in my life. normal people make mistakes its easy to forgive. narcs are fundemantally evil.
I realised my narc was beyond redemption when she not only chose her false reality and desire for control ahead of her relationship with me, but I watched her do the same with her adult daughter (from a previous relationship). She was literally so committed to her behavior that she chose it over her relationship with her own daughter, who went no-contact on her. That's truly incredible to me.
Yes it is confusing and it took me a lifetime to figure it out. I didn't get educated about narcs till I was in my 60's. I knew just a tiny bit but finally I got the full picture because of videos like these. I guess "better late than never". And I'm trying to salvage my last years.
INSECURITY runs their lives. They always have to get you first - Before you get them ! That's their life - Pathetic. They waste their lives and try to waste yours.
Anyone had that light bulb moment, after years of knowing this person, that it is THEM. They are the Narcissist. Like being in a scene from a horror movie.
It's been hard trying to forgive her all these years because a lot of what has happened to me stems from her lack of responsibility to be an adult parent. While I got older and became more efficient and responsible in my own right due to neglect from this parent.
@@homegown1234 You're not REQUIRED to forgive those who abuse you. I choose not to, and never will. And I'm good with that. I'm at peace with it. I might understand more what brought my mother to be abusive, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour. But I think of it as "forgive and forget". I forgive myself, I forget them. It's a personal thing to decide if you really want to forgive them or not. That's up to you. But you need to do what's best for you, whatever you think and feel that is. You don't owe THEM anything. It's about you doing whatever you think and feel is best for you.
This is 100%. Narcs respect strength and dominance, they despise weakness....AND they interpret your backing away as weakness (think wolf or bear in the wild). Contempt is an invitation to strengthen your boundary. It sucks but toe-to-toe is the only way to gain their respect (they still won't admit it, but they will internally value you and treat you differently).
@@rationalevidence9095is that kind of combative connection worthwhile though!? I think careful retreat and leaving is better and finding new connections with people who are healthy.
@@neilmurphy966 of course you're right, but in instances where distance is not possible (or contains tremendous sacrifice), you should turn and face the bear instead of playing dead. I can't imagine my children seeing a narc win and then internalizing the lie that narc is the way to win in the world.
Dr. Carter after hearing your description I believe the narcissist husband I married is incapable of change. I haven't had internal peace since I married 18 years ago. When single I was happier, peaceful, growing. He slowly took away everything I cared about that made me, 'me'. Preventing me from the gym, my art, my music study he literally unplugged my electrical instrument and forbade music lessons etc.....I hardly recognize myself now and has taken a toll on aspects of health. He literally physically smiles when being at his cruelest , downright evil, almost demonic. I want my life back I miss who I was. Growing up I had received both my parents physical/emotional/verbal abuse. Ironically I met my husband in church. When our relationship became serious, in an attempt on my part to prevent a 'cycle' of past parental abuse from repeating in a potential marriage, as a precaution I asked him if he had any temper issue he looked me in the eye and said "no". I never saw signs of temper/anger/hate/ disregard/ lack of empathy, etc. etc. etc. before marriage. He had been charming, agreeable, generous. I didn't know at that time it was his 'false self' or whatever you called it. His verbal/emotional abuse toward me began exactly 1 week after we were officially married....
Could not move on. Fifteen years, 16, 17, 18... Moved on. But that was short lived. Smear campaign. He could not move on. Kid was 18 mos. Curtains blowing in the wind. Kid is 25. Psycho suggested we get married. After 2 blissful years of no contact. I asked, "Another bait and switch?". Did not hear from him for another year. He loves to destroy holidays. Did it again! Kid graduated from college. Moved 1,500 miles away! Psycho dad lost control. Threw a fit. Grey rock. No contact ASAP! It is the best way to preserve your sanity. You do not want PTSD or Complex PTSD. Screen carefully! Most have a haughty attitude. They cannot go too long without their frustration expressing itself as anger! Then they do projection, punishment, devaluation, abuse, insults to your core.
@@maryglo1 Wow! That's a lot to go through! Especially with your child involved. Are you out? I wasn't sure by what you wrote. I'm sure I already have PTSD, don't know if it's 'Complex' or not. Do you have it? Your description of "They cannot go too long without their frustration expressing itself as anger! Then they do projection, punishment, devaluation, abuse, insults to your core." is exactly what my narc husband does to me.
You’re not the alone on this one, my husband represented himself as a wonderful, kind, fun, loving, supportive understanding person; until I said I do. 20 years on he’s a monster. I’ve learnt to step around , play possum and lie to for my little pieces of freedom and sanity. Stay strong ❤️🩹
I did have children with a narcissist, but I raised them with love and compassion because of my empath ways and taught them as best I can to teach them values. My two children are good individuals that I am proud of them.
My two were so warped that their narc dad showed nothing, they spend their lives trying to get his attention while kicking me to the curb. They couldn't see I was enough. I'm glad you got to keep your kids 🥰
I was the one that divorced him due to his verbal and physical abuse. However, he asked me "not" to take his kids away from him and I remembered not having my father who was also a narcissist too, but I didn't want to take my children's father away from him which I feel I have too much empathy, so I wanted to do the right thing for the children's sakes. I never married again.
I taght tem hime school + took them to s.s. on sundays + chidrens club at church. Theyre marrued wit their own kids. I still hav e mothers relationship with them. Theyre in their 40s they also have somewhat if relationship with their dad.
I trusted on someone who claimed and seen to be a mature christian externally but turned up to be a total narcissist and that is very dangerous. It is like Wolf in Sheep's clothing. The Lord provides you discernment for protection against such whom were beyond redemption.
Well jack oneil lol sg1 Jesus isn't going to fix those who love evil, it's not a matter of can't, its why we had capital punishment everywhere and in the olden days a narc would have violated the law to a point of being charged with capital punishment, rape, murder, repeated assault, some big theft to this day about 70% of inmates in prisons are narcissists and repeat criminal offenders so they would of been gone in the good ol days and everyone would of known why instead of it being a matter of opinion.
I have found that no amount of prayer stops them. I have prayed God does what He needs to do to keep them away from me and it helps some. We are in a nest of them now and it is HORRIBLE.
One thing that is a classic personality character with narcissists is that the one they live with is treated the worst. Everyone else outside the home is listened to, complimented and appreciated. For some reason, they let their hair down at home, and treat the ones closest to them like garbage. It's difficult to process this behavior when the innocent, healthier person has to always acquiesce to the narcissist just to get along.
The last words my narc mom said to me were that "I betrayed her and that I'm a traitor." After she betrayed me for all those years. So sad honestly. I'm now 35. It still hurts. 😢
You know, look think this way. If THEY have a problem with everyone, and most people love and respect you. Well who do you think is the problem. Here is a hint it’s not you. Move on, even good parents die. I’m sure many people think your a great person. You gave enough of your life. Live your life, enjoy the person you are. God bless.
Please let go of her anger which, essentially, is based on her fear that you're better than her. Become the mother to yourself, that you should have had. Accept your shortcomings (we all have them) and strive to be your best self. None can take that from you.
It’s a sad destructive condition. They experienced abuse, rejection and abandonment as a child and spend their adult life pushing people away through their actions and behaviour which means they get rejected and abandoned!!!……It’s a totally nuts self destructive behaviour
I agree, same thing happened in my life, I think children can inherit narcissism from another parent or grandparent, it starts in puberty and gets worse. It is absolutely NOT always the parents fault. @gayleb9656
I agree, they can have wonderfully caring parents, esp. single parents, who are determined to put their child first, they then develop contempt for these parents, and have no empathy for them.
The *LEVEL* of *CRUELTY (CONTEMPT)* my narcissistic housemate displayed went well beyond the brief hurts that happen sometimes in my non-toxic, non-narcissistic relationships!! The thing that finally permanently broke my trust was his repeated, calculated, laser-focused weaponizing of anything and everything I had ever told him about my life, my philosophies, my experiences. He frequently ambushed me with negative, shaming comments about sensitive information I divulged in confidence long ago. He committed these twisted, brutal verbal assaults during my most vulnerable, grief-ridden moments. I imagine such dishonorable “victories” gave him a fleeting supply of self-righteous superiority. Fortunately, I have been free for 1.5 years now… I am healing slowly, moving forward gradually… but I have not forgotten. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me this way; I will not bear such disrespectful treatment in silence ever again.
Thank you for all of your hours of support free to us. I am heartbroken to believe that your video exactly describes my marriage of 19 years and 7 beautiful children. I am awake now to what is going on after years of gaslighting and emotional abandonment and smear campaigns behind my back. I am in a horrific situation that I feel stuck in as a Christian with so many children, and I live in a no fault state where I will, apart from a miracle, lose my home and half of my time with my beloved children. It is very dark. I have been pushed into a corner like a weak and wounded animal with seemingly few choices to salvage my family. Pray for me.
I just said a prayer for you dear girl. Knowledge is power, but comes with a price and can make it harder because you know what you are dealing with. I know you must be praying for God's strength and guidance and I pray for you to have the strength to deal with this for yourself and your children. Stay true to yourself, stay strong in God's protection. He's got you. Keep your inner strength and don't let him (husband) see any fear, just the Armour of God back at him.
I still have a problem with God expecting me to forgive such a person that didn't want me to have my own life - but luckily due to my stubbornness as a child of 9, I learned to take care of me. That gave me the fortitude to fight her from keeping me from leaving high school when I knew deep down once I have a full job I would not be able to finish high school. All, of my mother's excuse so we can continue to work to support a married woman that couldn't get her 4th husband to work and support her. Unbelievable, since my mother wanted "a free ride" in life but not in the my life because I finally at 28 moved out for good and found my destiny to be the independent that eventually found someone to marry and eventually have a family of my own.
One sign that a Narc is beyond redemption is the sense of contempt. Contempt means feeling others as inferior, inadequate to the point of worthless. The feeling of contempt leads to strong disdain, condescencion and hatred. Narc's thinking, "The world ows me!" "You are a failure because you don't have promped me up!" The Narcissistic mindset: 1. They want you to fear them 2. They want the seat of power 3. They wish to prove their significance 4. They wish to disguise their ineptitude 5. They wish to keep a comperative upper hand Narcs deep history: > feeling "not enough" > feeling misunderstood > inability to forgive or accept > attitude of paranoia > strong compensation mode > they displace and project 》Be a big picture thinker 》Don't try to force insight 》Don't exchange negative traits with them 》Maintain delicate detachment 》Practice boundaries 》Maintain your initiatives Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thank you so much for these notes! Was looking and hoping for this! Am saving these somewhere of course! Massive cheers to everyone's recovery and peace and truth and love!
@@lishmahlishmah You are welcome, Lishma. 🙏💛🙏 And thank you for the wonderful garden you sent me, which is beautiful and quite relaxing 😍 (BTW your comment was invisible once again but I immediatly thought: this must be Lishma 😅 and I was right indeed 😊)
@@antoinesimeon728 You are very welcome, Antoine 🙏💛🙏 And thanks for your good wishes of peace 🕊, love ❤ and truth ⭐. Wishing you the same on your healing journey 😍
I am a narcissist and this was helpful to hear, thank you. I fear and feel that point of beyond redemption and that is why ive been focusing so much on personal inventory. Like how, where, and why this contempt comes about. It winds up doing nothing but damage to others in the face of my empty pride. I've purposely stayed out of relationships because I've seen the unnecessary hurt that it causes. Gratitude lists have helped but negativity creeps in like hiccups i can't shake. Whether or not it's reversible or even manageable in any sort of relationship setting, I strive to know, and with vigilance. Regardless, no one deserves to be dragged down by my internal chaos. Really good points made in this video for me to sit with. Thanks
Contempt is the black hole of relationships. Once the narcissist exhibits that toward you, it continues to grow. Dr Gottman's study showed over 80% of married couples in therapy where one partner exhibited the micro expression of contempt were divorced within 10 years. While not exclusive to narcissistic relationships, contempt is certainly dangerous ground and a good indicator of its healthy aspects! Stay healthy, Team Healthy! Continued Blessings Dr C and Gus!
i agree with your viewpoint. Contemptuous remarks from a family member made me see that I needed to "detach discreetly", with polite, pleasant birthday and other greeting cards and messages; no personal information......Dignity, Civility and Respect, as Dr. C. advocates. I am enjoying the peace.
@@barbarakelly1916 I hear you! Protecting our Peace is a crucial step on our journey through these difficult relationships. It's not easy, but the rewards are worth it! We are worth it!
As a christian it strikes me that Satan is the epitome of narcissism and C.S. Lewis' depictions of hell (prison locked from inside) is a world full of narcs getting more narcky every passing day.
@@morebirdsandroses CS. Lewis in "the weight of glory" i believe says something like "we fail to realize that every person we pass by will one day be either a being so angelic we will be tempted to fall down and worship them, or a creature so vile we will turn away in disgust. Every day we make our decisions which lead us, one step at a time, towards one destination or the other.
@@daynapeterson9033 in the church there's plenty of narcs who THINK they know Jesus.... of course, Jesus mentions a whole group of people who think they're on their way to heaven....but aren't. The best way to love a narc is to warn them that God doesn't approve of their life (just run away quickly once you pull the pin on that grenade).
My mom was a Narcissist. There were problems from the day I was born, doctors were well aware of this. So many problems with her. I recall when I was very young she was putting on make up and left her lipstick out. As any toddler will do, I put the lipstick on to and showed her how pretty I looked. She then took her hairbrush to my lower back and spanked me with it HARD, very painful all the way from my low back to my foot. She spanked me so hard, she broke a thick handle brush and then had the audacity to accuse me of breaking her expensive and best hair brush. LMAO There would be other things, but I would end up grey rocking her. My boundaries didn't count, because she would over ride them. I don't know how a child, and even a teen can set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. So the only thing I could think of doing is emotionally detaching myself from her for my own protection. I often wonder where all the adults were that were well aware of what was going on.
My heart broke when my mother started looking at me like a was worthless and didn't deserve basic needs. I still remember here looking at me with such hatred and like I was scum of the bottom of her feet. She has passed, but I still have nightmares of those looks...it's been over two yrs.
I am so sorry! I too have a human woodchipper of a mother. She will be 95 years old in 2024. Yes, they most certainly get worse with age. And, I know that look of contempt, because what follows is a vicious attack on my mere existence. Thanks to Dr. Carter, I have a whole new perspective - my life has improved tremendously!
I said repeatedly, "we don't HAVE to communicate like this - there are healthier ways!" He responded, "who do you think YOU are to question ME?" It's absolute insanity, and you're spot on, Dr. Carter.
I had this exact same conversation with my mother and step father. I asked them at the diner table how we can best communicate. Step father just said he knew how to push my buttons. Wild.
They enjoy button pushing & he actually complained when I went gray rock thanx to Dr C 😊 then he just disappeared nine months ago while I was taking a walk 🙏✨🦋 peace & quiet at last!
Thank you Dr. Carter, for all your kind wisdom. I'm almost 18 years out from 24 years married to a narcissist, and since he's turned his entitled-ness on our grown children, alienating one entirely, and causing the other to suffer for now, I'm finally learning about narcissism and why we went through all the crap we went through. Plus, I was a practicing alcoholic most of the marriage: I was part of our problems. I'm twenty-plus years sober, which gave me the freedom to leave him. I'm healing and taking responsibility. He's stuck in the same, suffocating mindset of blaming the rest of us. What a sad, lonely way to live. I had 8 magnificent years with my late second husband. He showed me what's possible sober and being cherished.
I am happy for you that your second husband was good for you. Also, a huge congratulations on your sobriety. That is a huge achievement. I was trapped for 41 years, but KARMA helped me there. Stay strong and be happy that you found a good Nan.
My mother was a full fledged narcissist. She was so toxic, pathological, and poisonous. The only way to save yourself from this kind of person is to stay away from them.
I found it so hard to believe that a friend I (thought I) knew for over 20 years, revealed her covert narcissistic personality disorder. I hadn't seen her in that time but when she and her husband (another dominant narc!) asked me to stay with them on a small farm property in a separate cabin I thought there'd be little problem as we had earlier gotten on so well. What I found hard to assimilate was the revelation that the person I had related to in a 'close' friendship 20 years earlier was nothing but a facade - her mask, as she was much older, was now showing cracks and the attempts to CONTROL were coming out left, right and centre - things like manipulating to get pity, flatly denying what she'd said even just 10 minutes earlier, and blatantly lying about events and things said and done by her. This woman claims to be a Christian, as I am, but in this case it's not God who has control of her behaviour, but very obviously to me something quite evil. I was alarmed when she started even using her 'religion' to dictate to me a 'need for conversion' blah blah blah! Our 'friendship' came to an end a short time later when I discovered through a 3rd party that she and her husband had lied about and slandered me online to a legal representative acting for me in a tenancy dispute matter. How these people can think they really 'know it all' and control it all, is beyond me. I've never seen anything so pathetic (but nonetheless destructively powerful) in my entire life. It is a power that destroys its victims, bit by bit, and the fear this instilled in me took about 2 years to lose its grip. Narcissists are in for an incredible day of reckoning when that time comes.
Both my parents are extremely narcissistic. My father on the violent bullying kind, and my mother on the machiavellian kind that directs him. My younger brother's wife for years would always complain to me that I didn't go home enough and visit my mother. Obviously my mother was triangulating her like everyone else. Then after her and my brother had a baby, my parents went to visit them in another country and stayed with them for over 4 weeks. The next time I met my sister's wife she said to me, oh my god, you should never communicate with either of them again in your life and cut off all contact. I told her, I guess now you know why I keep away from them. Of course it's impossible for me to keep away completely as their is no end of chaos they can cause for me without keeping some contact, including finding my address from random people, or even, with my elder brother ringing a national radio station, for something. So, I try to grey rock them as much as possible, something I've naturally done since I'm 5, in order to not let them destroy good things in my life. I have though, moved over 10,000 km's away from the toxic pair. I will say though, I am always in awe of people who have not come across people like this so much in life. I spent most of my life around people like this, in workplaces and hobbies too, and it's only in the last few years where I have been able to get away from them. What really shocks me though, is how they can pull the wool over so many people's eyes. I do have to say though, that people like this are running many companies and organisations of power, and most people are clueless to it.
@@proudamerican2133 I was wondering which god your ex and son claim to belong to, because they can’t possibly be serving the Holy God who tells us to forgive, show mercy, do justly, and walk humbly…
"I refuse to be a receptacle for your internal chaos." Well said, Doctor!!!!👏👏👏 And yes, no contact is the only way to go. That's exactly how I started 2024. Happy New Year to all!
Giving up on hopeless Hope for Change has freed you for a better life. I hope that you can get away and move forward! Nasty comments like you experienced reveal the speaker's cruelty and a troubled mind.
I’m still in the final stages of a divorce from a narc after 25 years. I’ve been doing so much personal work, which has helped me immensely. I had to go no contact with him during the divorce, but when he finds a way to “get” to me he always adds a snide or demeaning remark. It still initially triggers me, but now I have grown to love it because it reminds me what this person is really like no matter how I try to romanticize having a civil relationship with him. He’s just not capable. 😕
It has been THE hardest lesson. That they just can't. As much as you try or wish, it just is not possible. But, but, but. No. Move on and focus on yourself. No contact has been a sanity saver!! Highly recommend.
When they take off their mask, it is so clear that we have nothing to talk about because we have nothing in common and they are not for us but hate us.
Back when I was still talking to her, my sister accused me of "thinking you are special"--she resents that I'm an artist, and she is terrified my family will think I'm better than her. Which is a joke since I'm the scapegoat 😂. Thx Dr. Carter for another great video ❤
A disordered personality like this cannot be redeemed, fixed or changed. It's innate. Environment can worsen the destructive traits; but IMHO, it's at the core (or lack thereof) of what they are. Best bet is no contact, no matter what. Having a beautiful, healthy & stable relationship after a narc is 100% possible - sending hope & strength to all those trapped & abused by these human monsters ❤️
I lived with a malignant narcissist who was literally sucking my soul out and left me in the dust til I had lost myself- I finally wised up and knew I had to remove myself from this evil asap- lest death was the only way out! It was unbearable and I was living in misery and fear of him- which went on all day ever day- he held me contempt with every breath he took and emanated pure hatred towards me- I’ve been free of him for over 10 yrs now- he remarried and then recently died after her had BBC alienated his children and me- awful that I couldn’t let go long ago!! Dealing with sanely is not possible
"They displace and they project." Very profound! After 46 years of such abuse from our mother, her aiding and abetting the same from her golden children, I finally walked away. No, leaving them to their devices didn't stop the abuse, but at least I wasn't there dealing with their crap, I was busy making great memories with my own family. While they sat home drunk and lying to their codependents, I'm sure they were bewildered when confronted by pictures and clips of me in magazines and on television having a great time without their input, without their overt attacks.
All narcissists are beyond redemption. When you sense a narcissist, leave their area immediately. Leave mid sentence, whether to be your sentence or their mid sentence. Leave as soon as you sense a narcissist. Do not finish your thought. Just leave and never speak to that person ever again.
I was my father's caretaker. Every morning, once in his presence, I felt his contempt, his sneering contempt, his despise for me. It was hard to take care of someone like that. It was so hard to feel hatred from your own father every single day. That is the #1 word I used to describe him: CONTEMPT 😢
Must be incredibly difficult. I’m not looking forward to that day if I have to take care of my parents. Especially my father. I can feel the contempt in his face. I don’t think it will matter when their gone bc their voices are stuck in my head
Contempt translates to pure old hate in my opinion. You MUST get away from them. Permanently. The hatred of you will only grow and become all encompassing.
I have been struggling with health issues, and when we’ve had fights he says hateful things, disregards the health issues and calls me a manipulator…the last straw today was him telling me “go ahead and die”….I don’t understand how anyone can say something so cruel to someone you say you love. I wouldn’t say that to my worst enemy.
This is absolutely true!!!! They mask their contempt in subtle ways when younger hoping to hide it from others but as they get older their life is set, they have gotten away with so much they begin to be openly mean thinking others will remain loyal to them.
I am dealing with an older Narc. so alone. Very, very very, very sad. Like an unmorred ship in a storm. Blasted through marriage after marriage, (3- 4) addictions, sadness overwhelming sadness. Lost. A ship in a storm, a terrible, terrible storm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lost, so unmoored, soooooooooooo deeply lost and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo broken. Awful. This perspn is facing so many terrible issues - huge issues of their own making. They know how much damage they caused to others, their own life and to thier families. Destruction, after destruction after destruction. I am their ONLY "helicopter" friend, nothing more. It is all that I can be for them. Nothing more than that. It is so awful to watch the damages unfold, day after day and there is nothing but empathy from me that I can give them. An unmoored yacht, they used to be a yacht - a long, long time ago and now they are an old, uncared for yacht living and trying to sail inside of a truly PERFECT STORM. SO TERRIBLE.
He hated me and discarded me because I wouldn't turn a blind eye to his multiple affairs and pretend that everything was wonderful and that I should have been happy and thankful because he was such a generous, kind and amazing partner.
Wow you really described my ex husband. Our 30 year old daughter is the one dealing with him and he makes her cry constantly. He makes her feel sorry for him then treats her horribly if she disagrees with his behavior. She’s gone no contact several times but he threatenes suicide to make her feel it would be he responsibly if he did so. It’s so abusive. I really hope at some point she can break free the way I did. Thank you for this. I will send this to her. Truly appreciate it. Its so hard to deal with.
I can relate to your daughter and I wish you two the best. I encouraged my mother 3 years ago to leave my father after 44 years together! I have always known something was not right within our household, had to tiptoe and always watch his mood. I have always been the one with "the big mouth" who defended my mother and tried to put her in a good daylight with him. My mom was his scapegoat and I was (for a long time) his golden child (and only-child), but I could always see past his behaviour. I went no contact 3.5 years ago when my first child was born, because I could see his effect on me and my new family, because he made me so upset and cry so much. Now he came back in to our lives, and I unfortunately let him. Out of guilt and empathy (he is 70 and has almost nobody anymore). But now he wants to keep talking about the past and how good he did everything and how my mom and I ruined him (his body for example: he is very unhealthy and he tells me that is because of stress because he always took such good care of my mom and I, especially financially - not because of the fact that he is a smoker that takes a lot of painkillers and sleeping-pills, eats horribly and never does any sports). I have told him now for many times since he is back in our lives, I don't want to talk anymore about the past, but then he threatens to end his own life. It is evil manipulation and it triggers me so much. I need to do a lot of work on myself to not get so triggered and angry... But that is difficult. And the sick thing is: he doesn't mean it one second: He got a heart-scare last month and now he is seeking pity al the time for the fact that he almost died and he is so scared to die / leave soon. It is all craving attention and a reaction. Hope your daughter can distance herself and start to live her own life. She is not responsible for him at all.
I myself am a survivor of parental abuse and neglect. What her father does is his own problem not hers. If he does that to himself it has nothing to do with her. She is not married to him he is her father. She can go on ahead and have her own good separate life apart. If he is 'capable' of loving her he will come around. I believe some narcissists can't love others, don't have the ability to love others, because they don't first love themselves. Although it 'seems' like they do love themselves they really don't. As the old saying goes 'to love others, one must first love themselves'. I don't think most narcissist's love 'anyone' including themselves.
@@drivethruabortion280 Procreating. That's. What. Most .Married. Men. And .Women. Do. Together. F.Y.I. Didn't they have the talk at home or in school? It can take years before personality disorders may destroy a marriage. Be gone. With. Evil .Agenda.
I would argue all Narcissists are beyond redemption, based solely on the way redemption works. The first step to achieving redemption is having the sincere humility to know that you need to seek redemption. Narcissists are incapable of sincerity (except when they are expressing hatred or their firm beliefs in their own perfection), and to the Narcissist, "humility" is a four-letter word. If you are wholly incapable of meeting even the very first requirement on the road to redemption, you are clearly beyond redemption.
I had no idea until recently what I was dealing with. 24 years of degradation could have been avoided had I known that there was no chance of better with my narcissist husband. He is beyond redemption. Now I know and so I’ve put permanent distance from his contempt for me. He can have a fit and fall in it.
When he led worship during Sunday service, I never attended. I knew it was mocking God. But his family recorded videos and sent them to me. I let it go, stayed in my own church, the farthest away from them I could be.
In the last three years of my marriage to my narc wife, her transmissions of utter disdain and contempt for me became palpable without the need for words. My mere presence was such an inconvenience for her that the hatred toward me oozed out of her wherever we were in the same room together. I actually began to fear going to sleep in my own house.
Gosh this is almost identical to my journey the last few years. My Husband left me, and at the end I slept in the spare room with the door locked, then finally moved into a friends while we were selling our house. I really thought the disdain and loathing for me was all in my head, do to my not being good enough, until I finally understood and got educated. Trying to get people to understand what you have lived through will only be supported by some and that's okay, as long as you have a support system and tools. Blessings to you.
“…my mere presence was such an inconvenience for her…”. Well said. I have been feeling like an inconvenience and nuisance. The fact that I am here seems to cause all the problems.
Careful steps I utilized to remove the covert narcissist from my home. I could no longer stand his energy and presence so I asked the universe for assistance. Step 1: educate with the topic and watch at least 20+ hours of these videos to know who and what I was dealing with. Step 2: Grey rock - show zero emotional response to everything they say or act. Speak and reply back in an emotionless manner. Think of a robot or cyborg. Show zero joy and zero sadness. Whether they belittle you or try to feed you crumbs, you must show no sign of emotions. Step 3: I hinted and suggested they leave as he was no longer suitable to live in my home. I was prepared for lots of gas lighting and attempts for hourly explanations so he can stay. Be prepared for more false promises. I continued with the grey rock responses and did not get triggered. I'm able to hold a straight and emotionless face for days if needed. Step 4: The narcissist thought this was merely a play and temporary so he thought 3 weeks of vacation would automatically fix this predicament. ----Universe answered---- Step 5: While he was away on vacation thinking he can come back to some refreshed supply and new start, I carefully packed and labeled all of his belongings. I dropped them all off to the next city. Step 6: Location of his belongings and retrieval process was emailed to him. As I decided on no contact, my mom helped me send an email to him saying to tell him to never contact me again and local authorities will be contacted if he walks on our property. Step 7: Be prepared to receive rageful emails and texts from new email addresses and unknown numbers 'demanding' explanations. Step 8: Send one more final email saying lawyers and police will be involved if this harassment continues. (I've documented his texts, audios and emails which can all be used against him in court) Step 9: Heal myself and seek peace. I took up archery, increased my home security and did bodybuilding to regain my self confidence and improve my strength if needed for self-defense one day. Step 10: start living. Wishing the best for everyone. I know God exists but we must listen.
This all hits home. My CN is full of disdain and contempt. The CN's longer relationships being the worst of course. I realized just recently that the more I know about them the angrier they get toward me. The little quirks and idiosyncrasies that aid in building a long friendship is exactly what destroys one with a CN. They are paranoid. They can't discern properly. They are flawed in this manner of relational intimacy. Just a comment about their likes or dislikes is met with criticism and defensiveness. It's mind boggling and sad.
Being told "I don't care" many times over, finally got to message through to me. He didn't care and I had to accept it. That callous contempt hit home. That was the deal breaker. John Gotman understands. Thanks Dr. Carter, once again.
Because of course he doesn’t care… my narcissistic bf had an ex who told so & said that she’d never trust him again… I learned the hard way he’s the shamed child not me
The man I was married to use to say “I DON’T CARE” and I replied “YOU SHOULD” and he said “ WELL, I DON’T!”. The other mantras that I grew tired of were “ I’m not, you’re not, we’re not and I can’t, You can’t and we can’t”.
@@marjoriemurray4381 Years ago I had a psychiatric patient who'd say, "you're no good, you never were, and you never will be..." Your ex's mantra has a familiar ring to it. Just words going around in circles. But that 'I don't care' is brutal. Courage and peace to you Marjorie.👩🎨🐕🐕
This is what I heard so much lately. When I told him I was leaving he shot back at me: “I don’t care!”. So I left and he looked upset at first but then recovered his fake false front soon enough. Will I ever know what he really things and FEELS? Now I am gone.
The true narcissist gets worse as they age they go backwards not forward, they don't learn from their mistakes.
They need jesus
@@knuck003they think everyone else does
@@Humama23Boyz Then they haven't found jesus
@@knuck003Many corporate churches enable narcissism.
Denutrification and toxification play a big role here.
Rusty iron filings are toxic.
Seed oils are fuel for that toxic iron.
NPD. The only mental disorder where the victims have to go for therapy and the narcissist is beyond change.
So very true! As a recovered co-narcissist I concur and the good news is you can recover.
You say you were a "co-narcissist?" I don't mean to intrude; I'm curious because recovery from narcissism is a faint hope I have for my younger son, who is following in his narc father's path, unhappily. I would love to believe some narcs can recover.@@annastinehammersdottir1290
@@annastinehammersdottir1290. What is co-narcissism?
It's certainly not the own disorder where this occurs - sadly.
True dat, and I am going ...
They get mad at you for being mad at them.
That is so true! My narc husband is always the angry one. If I ever dare be mad, that never suits him, he has to be madder, like, how dare you be angry, I am the only one who has the right to that emotion. Maddening!
Absolutely right . I lost my individuality in 10 years of marriage
Idk. The only times I get mad at my gf are when she's mad at me.
She gets mad at me almost every day for things that even vaguely trigger old traumas. I missed closing a window yesterday before turning the heat on, and she got mad at me for it. We rarely open that window.
I didn't get mad back at her for that, but I often do get mad at her for being angry at me, usually when it triggers my own trauma of people punishing me for being sick. Being disabled, financial issues are a common thing that triggers her, causing her to trigger me.
But both of us have gotten better as we've aged. Ten years ago, she'd try and bottle it up, and she'd stomp and sulk around the house for days before we'd talk it out. Today, it takes a few minutes. And I've been unlearning the sexism inherent in our culture, as well as dealing with my own trauma. Neither of us are full blown narcissists.
Neither of us are sadistic. Neither of us gaslight the other. Neither of us virtue signal or scapegoat or bully. We're just traumatized.
@@Nikki-kn4ph I'm experiencing that now
I just went through that with a longtime friend. Now that I'm getting narc education, I see more of them in my life. And I'm shedding them all!
A narcissist gets worse with age. These people can become dangerous! Never be alone with them.
something ive been noticing during the past 10 years with my dad
@@pyramidhead138 My mom is 89 and she's horrible. I walked away when she did something so horrible I knew she was too far gone.
Very true.
dated a narc girl, 23 yo model. lovebombed devalued and discarded me after 9 month. at the end she hit me on the shoulder. i laughed it off, year later she assaulted her best friend in public hit him in the face multiple times. i can totally see how she could have turned into a violent frenzy like jodie arias. They look like the sweetest angels but there are wolfs. danger.
@@nhvanonerz8244 yup, beauty can hide a bitch
A huge sign is when they create the drama & then blame you for the conflict it caused
Sadly how they operate
Yup.
Always
Hence, no contact
@@peggyerickson2549 I couldn't concentrate on anything due to their outburst and was constantly told to be an adult 😮
He mocked me in my grief following my mother’s death. Low blow even for him. My last straw! Couldn’t deny this display.
Yes, they always use your list vulnerable moments to hit you even harder. Typically narcissistic
When I told the narc I know that my father had passed away he said "well I hope you're not going to ruin my evening". 😢
I’m speechless. That is diabolical. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced, I’m sure this was the final straw among numerous egregious acts. I’m so glad for you that you were able to separate from this creature.
I am so sorry this happened to you. At a time of ultimate grief and shock at your mom’s passing, I wonder how anyone could be so cruel. I pray you had others to help you and listen to your sadness and be a true friend to you. May our Father in Heaven bless you and be your best friend always. Sending love and my prayers to you✝️❤️
My ex said the night after my father’s funeral I thought you didn’t love him .Totally toxic
NO CONTACT. PERIOD
Believe me or not, GOD Himself told me that, concerning my former wife, and my brother. NO CONTACT.
Both happen to be adulterous.
Agreed! Only thing that saves the survivor.... Experienced twice over
@@DouglasNicholson-ff6epdealing with narc abusive husband and currently divorcing. Been no contact. You are right! I had to go that route. Mine adulterous even before the marriage really. All his past relationships he thinks it's okay to cheat and his exes did the same but NOT ME! He moved on with the new supply and it's only been 4 months and not divorced. He will have H$ll to pay after fumbling an Earth Angel.
Done ✅
Done! 12 days now...
The final sign to me was when I bared my heart to him. I said that we could start fresh and try to make our marriage better.
It was hard to be so honest and vulnerable.
I even told him that I apologized for my part in the problems.
I really laid my heart and feelings open.
After I finished speaking, he said nothing!
After a couple minutes of dead silence I asked, "Don't you have anything to say about what I just said"?
He took a draw off his cigarette (didn't even look at me) and said "NOPE"!
At that moment, I knew it was over and that he wasn't worth my time or effort anymore.
I took that as the ultimate sign of contempt towards me!
Beware when you open up to the narcissist in your family. Many times it will be used to against you.
I’m so sorry - I had the identical experience, after sharing your most intimate thoughts and emotions you get, “nope”or “yep” while staring at a screen.
It's almost unbearable pain this type of behavior causes. I've been in that same situation. A cold knife in my heart wouldn't have hurt any worse. That's what really opens your eyes to how evil they are.
@@LyoungministriesAmen that is why they ask and are interested and get into your circle because they "care"
Similar response from my first wife.
No interest in equality.
"No willingness to accept the ugly truth".
I've watched two narcissists go to their graves never changing a single part of their personality. It was a sad waste of life and a terrible, destructive disruption to those around them for decades.
Thanks for sharing.
Yes, a waste of a life, so sad.
Same here. Not to speak ill of the dead, but I have seen it happen. It is tragic.
Well they will come back and start over. Hopefully they can learn their lessons this time.
Worse, is that their children can be the same.
Going no contact is the only way to find your way back to sanity! Thank you Dr Carter ❤️🙏
@aquagirl: "Your comment is the only way." I had to walk away from a family member for good!
I agree! Yet, because I loved my mother, I still tried after intervals of no contact and nothing changed. Take care!
I feel for you. I know this al too well. 🫂🫂@@ginnywalker184
Seems to be the way as going Grey rock all the time gets old. That number one hook of "trust me" is very real and very harmful with these types. The intimidation domination forms of communicating don't stop. It is also quite true that those hate filled types get worse with age. Anyway, hope the spirit of love and truth gives generous hugs to all the true empaths that have suffered by these cruel types. Ultimate betrayal if family members. The rage inside the abusive narcissist is deadly but knowledge is power. I often wonder if it's organic in nature as the irrational rage and hatred is unending. Also true how the empathic ones are always open to therapy to grow and the perps won't ever consider their crimes. Happy Holidays to everyone. I pray no one is injured during this season. There is a pattern during such gatherings of hypocrites and perverted minds that plan to hurt someone they claim to love. Very epidemic and very real. A virus of the soul. Anyway...sorry too wordy.
@@jeannedouglas9912 True words. Take care too.
I have been blessed with great therapists! I divorced my narcissist and I'm so much happier!!!
Pleased for you!
Me too❤
Congratulations 🎉. You'll see how even your health improves
good for you!
@@kathyking9928 so happy for you! 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
that's a nice phrase "I refuse to be a receptacle for your internal chaos" x
I loved that phrase when you said it!!! That’s what I felt like since I was little! Beaten, told I was soooo negative, never any positive or comforting words. Slapped and backhanded, for standing up to her.(When I was a young adult with a sweet, lovable baby and hardworking, compassionate, very supportive husband!) She was vendictive, had a GREAT OUTSIDE PERSONALITY, and then an opposite home one. No one would ever believed she abused us, even some family members who saw and heard the abuse. No one ever tried to help. But, back then that’s what happened. It was the Parents prerogative to do what they did to “straighten us out “!!!! But I know FINALLY, That is was NEVER MY FAULT!!!!! No matter how badly and hurtfully I was treated, I would always come back. You know why?? Because even though I didn’t receive love from her, I still craved any attention I could get. I JUST WANTED HER TO L O V E ME!!!!! Now in my old (69) years, with therapy, and listening to the great Dr. and his so helpful videos, I am finally able to see and understand the true meaning behind the behavior; she is a horrible NARCISSIST!!!! Sorry this is so long , but I hope and pray that someone will read this and find help, compassion, love, and forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness!! Realizing that you are not a loser, you were abused by a NARCISSIST!!!!! And you have got to get help and finally know what a wonderful, caring, loving, compassionate and empathetic person!!!!! Thank you for reading this!!!!
Hardest part is not having support of anyone who knows them Everything gets manipulated to be as if we are the ones doing something to them and everyone else
Welcome to my world!
I grew up in a HUGE extended family/community. About 15 years ago, I was forced to end contact with my eight siblings. I knew that my decision might jeopardize my relationship with
everyone.
It was MUCH worse!
It has been difficult, but there was no other option for me
DECADES
I feel you .
This has been my problem. There seems to be no way to reverse the damage.
EXACTLY. I particularly love it when people who have spent maybe 2 weeks worth of time total with the person YOU lived 24-7 with for 30 years, yet they somehow think they are a better judge of the narcs character and motives than you are. Ridiculous.
Omg yes 😔😔😔
I’ve noticed that a person who continually refuses to learn his/her lessons in life is hardening their personality, and not in a good way.
They hate you they look at you like they hate you!
Yes!
They hate you for loving them. They hate themselves.
💯 pure hatred in their eyes.. their eyes are dead like a shark. A dead soul
@julieannsheridan6438 there's been so many times I looked at my husband like WTF??.
@@nicholecornes1915 It’s weird how their eyes look ‘dead’ no emotion, no warmth just black & my ex ‘s eyes got darker before he entered into one of his ‘rages’
They never admit they hurt you. They never say they are sorry. And because the narcissist in my life was a parent, that parent never wanted me to do well. And because that parent was my father, I believed him. I went no contact as soon as I could and that was the best thing I did regarding him.
So true. When I point out to my narc "friend' that she insulted me or publicly humiliated me, she says "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you are offended". Bogus apology
They can be quiet, smarmy, smiling and sinister. Contempt can be tightened facial muscles & tightened lips. It’s all about control. Not all narcissists are extroverts! Covert is scary.
Yep, 30 years wasted on a covert, and the worst is the behind the scenes manipulation of the kids against you. They are willing to destroy a parent and child's relationship in order to feel like they won some freaky game only THEY were playing.
The narcissist I know best is a stark loner.
Smarmy....so that's what I couldn't put my finger on lol!
Yes my mom was a covert narcissist and I spent most of my young adult life reading self help books trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It is the most insidious because you are truly the only one who knows it is happening because they are the most wonderful person to the rest of the world. I was married for 29 years to someone who was not as bad as my mom but his montra was "I don't care". The conversation that made my final decision to divorce was explaining to him how I felt. His response was "What about me? and "I don't have to change". I said "No, you don't". Best decision and my true freedom day was the day my mom passed.
Yes, covert is scary because there is always this passive aggression lurking that can flare up at anytime for anything
Ruins every holiday, birthday, anniversary. Withholds anything that you show you want or need. Including all emotional and physical intimacy. There are literally endless ways they can hurt you by withholding.
This is exactly how I feel too
Exactly! Well said!
So very, very true.
My husband to a T.
💯
The main characteristics of a narcissist are manipulation and deceit.
Tracking with what you are saying here, I've said the single ingredient that pushes a person across the line into narcissism is the willingness to exploit, which is pretty much what you're saying too.
@@SurvivingNarcissism absolutely 💯
Selfish & abusive too
If it wasn't for their personality disorder. They would have no personality at all.
I have been abused, shouted at and hurt in multiple ways by siblings who should have cared for and helped especially as they had taken my help so much earlier. I have now cut off all contact and its peace by God for sure. I still see some folks falling into this web of deceit of use and manipulation - Pray for all people who have been abused and are still going through such abuse
If there is contempt, the relationship is over. If you can't leave then start planning your escape.
"These are individuals who don't want your input." Hahaha. So true!
Yup, and when you grey rock them, their insecurity kicks in and they have to "induce conversation" to bait you back in. Rinse and repeat.
yeh, just reflect back their view of themselves and act the part they wrote for you. That's all.
"I refuse to be a receptacle for your internal chaos!"
Excellent, Dr.C
@@sylviacaldwell2139 good one yes
I can testify that the narcissist gets worse with age. They take no accountability for their actions and the discard becomes evermore present to where there’s almost no relationship at all. Like two strangers living in a house doing their own thing - nothing that even slightly resembles a marriage with support and love. this is the loneliest most hurtful relationship that I’ve ever been in and I have so much deep, rooted anger for how we’ve ended up he accuses me of being the narcissist because my rage over the top and I can hardly contain it
Yes, they do get worse with age. After 38 years I had to separate. I feel like I wasted my life.
Just got divorced after 25 years three children he was leading a double life going to prostitutes and transgendered bring home STDs. This is unbelievable, but I am so happy just to be alone and have some kind of peace of mind although I do have complex PTSD I believe because my mother was also a narcissist I’ve dealt with this my entire life.! But even if I’m alone for the rest of my life, I’d rather be alone then deal with any craziness anymore! And they sure do have contempt he keeps on saying he loves me and I said you don’t love me you can’t stand me you hate me still trying to beg for me back even after this! I’ll be happy if I never have to see him again in this lifetime! a cord cutting this lifetime past lifetime and any future lifetimes! I see him on the other side I’ll just walk right by! I pray for him for one nothing to do with him! I’m repulsed
I understand your suffering. Yes, this sounds exactly like my marriage. They will never see their abuse of people. It's the worse roller coaster ride unless you get off. When you start living not for them, be prepared. If you go out and about without them, they will find ways to ef with you, in your absence. Breaking things that matter to you or hiding necessary things for your daily life is justified in their mind. They are not above messing with your food and drink. They will go through all of your personal things. But, you will be having a life outside their control
Rage is a very common response to narcissism. I got to a point where my anger was out of control. I had to learn to accept my anger and recognize where it was coming from. Once I gave it a voice, so to speak, the anger no longer controlled me. Oh I still get angry, but now I am the one in control of my emotions, and not the other way around.
@@thelukeewan7602Scary
Contempt dosen't feel as harsh when you start to realize that it is born out of hate for things like truth or love. ❤
That is a very good understanding of what it's really all about.
I like how you think.
So many words when only 1 will do. Hatred!!! Indeed! Hate for themselves and everything else. Dr. C helped me see that many videos ago. Leaving everyone in confusion to describe that basic truth. Which is another thing they HATE~Truth!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you 🌹
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻❤️🔥
I feel so sad for people who cant leave!
It’s a lesson we learn in life or are doomed to repeat it
@@caroleminke6116 no repeats of this! Ill
@@caroleminke6116 I'm done
That’s me. Married 28 years to narc and just now I’m learning what he is. Never knew there was a name for his behavior. I’m not leaving my home which is my refuge. I cant
They strategise -so you cant leave. Alligator bite-force equals 2000 pounds per square inch.
"They displace their problems onto you and they see in you the problems they can't come to terms with themselves." That was so brilliantly said.
Omg! Thank you for letting me know these facts about living with a narcissist! It helps to know I’m not alone
Ugh. If I only knew sooner rather than later.
@@netta96 Yup, that's one of the first things I used to say when I discovered my ex-friend was narcissistic. Best thing I can say is thankfully we at least know about this now so we won't have to go through the bullshit again.
I was at an all time low last night. My sister is a soul sucking demon. Narcissist enjoy destroying the hopes and dreams of others without batting an eye and are so proud of the pain they know it causes them.
Realize that she is in her own world, you only have a role as source of Narc supply. Ease yourself out and don’t let any Lovebombing delay your escape.
Sad but true.
I hope she doesn't live with you ?
I had to go no contact with my brother. It's the only way I can stay sane.
I'm sorry to hear that. My sister is the same, I grew up in her storm and I'm finally breaking free at 28🎉
I wish you all the luck on your healing journey. Keep your head up
I’d think blatant and repeated crossing of obvious boundaries is a telltale sign that they’ve become irredeemable.
Here's a big hint: Think of John Gottman's ingredients.
Also blaming you for why they need to keep crossing your boundaries. That shows they have no interest in changing behavior anytime soon.
@@melb2734 yes! This exactly!
Agreed. Yet keeping their boundaries closed. Poking fun at ordinary things - projecting hang-ups and complexes upon others. Dangerous, unhealthy, toxic.
@@SurvivingNarcissismingredients? Elaborate please? Thank you.
ALL narcissists are beyond redemption. The sooner people accept this and stop projecting their hope onto the narcissist the better off they’ll be.
Problem I had was to help my parents, which were useless immature individuals lacking any interest in working. Prefer to lean on my older sister and me to support and have a "free ride in life." Got tired of this and moved out at age 28. I wanted my own life not dedicating more years to my mother who didn't care for us and called us "parasite." instead of children or by our names.
I agree.. I think it's dangerous to say that some may be redeemed. That must be like 0.0001%
I disagree. It's certainly very few that find redemption, but they do exist. I am an example of a former narcissist whose life has been revitalized.
@@commonman711 Thank you for your honesty. I am very happy that you've overcome the misery.
@@marinat187 Indeed! The thing about overcoming narcissism is you have to deal with the wreckage of the past first. It's the shame, embarrassment and regret that keeps one bound by narcissistic chains. Once the childhood issues have been 'healed', at least in my case, the terrible narc behavior started to diminish.
I knew my father was gone when I asked him if he'd prefer I was in a coma and he said "I don't know, you tell me" and then told me to my face that he didn't respect me as a person. Now every time I see him, I can see his hatred for me in his eyes.
There are some who say that they forgive you, but then later on, they throw the thing in your face. They can’t even be honest. I say it’s like storing your faults like a squirrel stores nuts, and they use it later.
YEP! BTDT!
Or maybe you say sorry and then do again. Then say sorry and do it again. Then say sorry and do it again. Then say sorry and do it again. Then say sorry and do it again. Maybe they are tired of you doing the same thing over and over and over after they said they would forgive you only for you to turn around and do it again.
"They can't grow because instead of growing, they displace and they project". Exactly! I've seen that so many times.
You Send them videos like this to learn.. And they won't look at it and then swear at you. Then yell = Stop sending me this crap.
So true.
The narc “friend” once said to me ‘I may lack empathy but I’m not a c…”
I thought - ah - so you do know then. You know there’s something wrong with you.
Didn’t stop them playing emotionally abusive mind games and treating people who befriended this covert and tried to help them with increasing contempt and disrespect.
They were indeed a c….
Nor repent.
"You are a loser because you have not propped up my ego."
I just want to say back, "You are the true loser for relying on other people to prop up your ego in the first place."
I still get mad at ppl close in my circle and want to 'do this to them'! I still get stuck in my grandiosity and get pissed at friends who aren't appreciative enough of my beneficial place in their lives! God help us all........I was raised by 2 narc's....in my best opinion.
@@mosaic.owl.studios
Some might ask why they need their ego to be propped up in the first place!
wow. yeh. i realised a while ago that my mother loves the self that her ego tells her she is. She says ''I love you but......'' and it's always something along the lines of ''can't hear this'', ''can't hear you'', ''what you say makes no sense''. She has a forcefield around her false persona to prevent her from receiving the tiniest bit of feedback. I don't mean criticism when I say feedback! That isn't code for me being critical! I asked her, pleaded with her, to stop labelling me sensitive and paranoid. She got so defensive and cold shouldered me for four years (so far) because she is perfect and the victim. I've acummulated more labels, aggressive, insane, detached from reality et cetera
I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH WATCHING & LISTENING . . . . MY FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST PISSES OFF MY ( NARC . ) WE WERE BOTH RAISED IN A LARGE CATHOLIC FAMILY MY ELDEST BROTHER 👺👹♨️
IS A " TEXT BOOK " NARRASISTIC SOCIOPATH
I never knew they could be redeemed. And I'm not going to let them "practise" their redemption on me either. If they believe they've changed - let them create a new life for themselves - as I have done.
I owe them nothing.
❤️❤️
🙏
Yep it’s too bad for them but it’s their behavior. We aren’t responsible for them they are
They don't deserve to be redeemed.
My narcissistic sibling lived in the same community as our mother and me. In the space of a few weeks, he raged at his few clients, packed up his belongings from the home our mother built for him, and moved to distant state to live in the same neighborhood as his only child, her husband and their young family. Mom, his lifelong enabler, is thrilled because "he's finally happy." I wish him no harm, but firmly believe he's learned nothing, wouldn't recognize or accept true happiness if it was hand-delivered to him, and has merely shuffled the deck of potential narcissism targets because he'd run out of candidates here.
I’ve been able to both cuss out the narcissist, feel great for getting that out of me, then release & walk awY & move on with no further contact & I am very happy living my life. The fact that I let em have it was very gratifying & moving on also very gratifying.
I tried the delicate detachment, setting boundaries route with my family member. It worked for a while. Unfortunately, once I let my guard down, she snuck in through the "back door" and came back with a vengence!! I had no choice but to totally cut her out of my life . How my life has changed. I never knew life could be so uncomplicated., so peacful. There is no other way to go. No contact is the answer. Boundries do not worK! Blocking is imperative.
❤❤❤💯
Delicate detachment was also not an option for me. My narc had psychopathic traits and there was no other option than to 100% walk away.
Yep, 100% agree.
Yep. The idea of boundaries is pure fiction to these types.
That sounds like my mother in her own way she did much the same
“I refuse to be a receptacle for your internal chaos!”
THAT is going to be my internal mantra when I think about or deal with the narcissist in my life!
And I will say it to them. I will also say, “I refuse to allow my children to be the receptacles for your internal chaos!”
#TeamHealthy
Team Healthy!
Totally agree. I writing this down to practice if and when there has to be a contact.
Probably a family funeral. SAd!
It's unfortunate when you can't get your children away from their abusive behavior 😢
@@SurvivingNarcissism I understand these concepts and how to deal with narcissists... my parents and family are acting like this, but I need a way to convince my mom to leave a dangerous situation where the doctors have advised she move due to over EPA limits of chemical exposure in the air on a full-time basis. I need a way to get past her defense mechanisms and denials and stalling and get her to listen to the doctors and move out. A lot of changing topics, manipulating, getting emotional, trying to flip the situation and accusing and blaming... all ways to take the focus off her needing to move. We have 10 dead neighbors since we discovered this chemical exposure, these are ALL the neighbors... all dead, 1 dead dog and everyone got sick or symptoms.... local officials can't/won't help, nor will the police... so I need a way to temporarily get past her defense mechanisms so she can see the danger she's in. Edit: she desperately wants to see a therapist with me but I know it's just so she can triangulate and gang up on me and try to weaponize the therapist and the therapist will know nothing about chemical exposure and physical sciences.
My narcissist becomes difficult when he's angry or hurt. He can't handle his anger and he acts out then pretends to accept accountability and apologize. It's a cycle of bad behavior and apologies (not just with me, he has to often apologize to our kids and other people because his tantrums have happened in front of the kids). He apologizes because he knows he's backed into a corner and HAS to admit fault but he still deep down blames others. I've finally put my foot down and filed for divorce. Initially the shocked forced him to say "I'll do whatever it takes to fix this and not to lose you" but then once again, even facing divorce, when his anger comes out he can't even resist playing the victim and blaming. He angrily signed up for therapy, he angrily agreed to do couples therapy, and even something like praying every morning has turned into a huge debate. Me not allowing him to place blame on me makes him so angry...he can do 900 things but wants me to get on my knees and apologize if I FINALLY react. In other words he wants to be able to behave badly and I should NEVER react, even if the reaction is divorcing him. He behaves as ir even though he has messed up tremendously I should chase him or beg him 😂 yeah right!!!! I'm not a good victim because I have standards, expectations, and boundaries and not that all of those things have been crossed and disrespected, IM OUT! I'm not his mother, I'm not his therapist, and I will no longer be his wife so he will no longer be my problem! The more time he's away from me the more I realize how much I've lacked peace and how much I need it back in my life ❤
Their disorder DEMANDS that they behave this way. It's like being with a rabid dog, it can't help being dangerous. All we can do is get away. They are severely dysregulated with no self containment. Something went severely wrong in their developmental years.
Every word here is TRUTH!!
Happy for you and your strength to live YOUR best life possible while learning to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! Peace and love to you ALWAYS! ❣️☮️
I’m there now 😢🙏🏽💯Blessings to you
Damn, I could have written this. We have two teens and then almost exactly a year ago I had a surprise pregnancy. This was during a time where he was making a whole bunch of promises to me. When I found out I was pregnant I told him that I will NOT raise another kid in a yelling, dysfunctional household, and that things needed to be well on their way to improving or I had no choice but to leave.
A YEAR ago.
We have a wonderful four month old but my husband has not changed anything.
He's forcing my hand. And both of our teens are 100% behind me because they adore their baby brother and both said they won't let this happen again, that if he doesn't get help we all need to leave.
I found simply laughing directly into the narcissist face, looking them in the eye, and laughing at them is the best feeling in the world. Thanks, Doc.
SWEET!
That is most injurious to them because when you laugh at them they have been uncovered. Being seen is what they fear most.
However, many narcissists laugh at everyone else they think is less than them. It can be confusing for some who are unaware.
I went no contact with my narc sister in June of 2020 after she said she didn't respect me or love me and that there was only one person in her life that she never wanted to hear from - me. So much contempt! On April 1st of this year, I received a letter from her. My daughter offered to open it up and read it, but I wrote 'Refused. Return to Sender' on it. I know now that she will never, ever change and to go back to having a relationship with her would mean I would be back to being abused by her.
yeh, I doubt the letter said ''im sorry, i took my anger out on you and i shouldn't have. you didn't deserve it''. I really doubt that. xx
Nice strong move. Congrats.
Stay strong. Don't even wonder about what it might have said. Not one thought!
Good on you, friend ❤ I've been n.c. with my blood sibling, after she inserted herself into my dying stepmother life, where I couldn't go say my goodbyes, becuz "she" was there..my "father"(another narcissist) told me to "wait a few days"!! While "she" was there!! "She" who had treated mom like crap & even told her she Hated her!! Soooo, yeah, N.C!! Much better off now!! I will occasionally call the father, just to see of he's still alive!!😊
I forgave my ex husband, but I still don't trust him. ✝️👑💖
A healthy person can eventually become very contemptuous against a narcissist also, in a healthy way. They end up feeling angry and hateful about all the abuse when they stay determined to not be run over roughshod by the narcissist.
In this case the contempt is healthy and they’re able to use this contempt to exit the relationship and seek better for themselves.
And to maintain boundaries, to be honest with themselves about new people so as not to inadvertently let a N in.
Good point. It is normal to feel angry at being the target of abuse, and the best use of that anger is to end the relationship permanently. The problem is when people either can't or don't leave - they stay connected and their anger and contempt takes on a life of its own. They start to take pleasure in taking revenge on the other, and it does become a kind of prison.
my narc ex is the only person i have ever felt hatred and disgust towards out of hundred and hundreds of people i met in my life. normal people make mistakes its easy to forgive. narcs are fundemantally evil.
That’s not healthy! It’s very toxic both ways! I have been in relationships where there was no contempt! No sickness!
Well said
Being angry with a broken computer is wasted energy.
Well stated.
When I finally had a name for what was going on, I called him the Borg....destroy and assimilate.
@@netta96Good one!
Absolutely. Narcissist are like machines.
I realised my narc was beyond redemption when she not only chose her false reality and desire for control ahead of her relationship with me, but I watched her do the same with her adult daughter (from a previous relationship). She was literally so committed to her behavior that she chose it over her relationship with her own daughter, who went no-contact on her. That's truly incredible to me.
As a daughter of a narc mum I can tell that that indeed happens. It's confusing at first and devastating as soon as you realise what's going on.
Yes it is confusing and it took me a lifetime to figure it out. I didn't get educated about narcs till I was in my 60's. I knew just a tiny bit but finally I got the full picture because of videos like these. I guess "better late than never". And I'm trying to salvage my last years.
INSECURITY runs their lives. They always have to get you first - Before you get them ! That's their life - Pathetic. They waste their lives and try to waste yours.
I know a few mothers like that.
@@Picca65 to me it was even more devastating not realizing what was going on. Now I know and I am free.
Anyone had that light bulb moment, after years of knowing this person, that it is THEM. They are the Narcissist.
Like being in a scene from a horror movie.
Yes ! When my now ex husband ( has been ) said : " I did what I had to do to get what I wanted" !
The Sign That A Narcissist Is Beyond Redemption: They have a pulse.
Hahaha true
Lol
It's been hard trying to forgive her all these years because a lot of what has happened to me stems from her lack of responsibility to be an adult parent. While I got older and became more efficient and responsible in my own right due to neglect from this parent.
@@homegown1234 You're not REQUIRED to forgive those who abuse you. I choose not to, and never will. And I'm good with that. I'm at peace with it. I might understand more what brought my mother to be abusive, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour. But I think of it as "forgive and forget". I forgive myself, I forget them. It's a personal thing to decide if you really want to forgive them or not. That's up to you. But you need to do what's best for you, whatever you think and feel that is. You don't owe THEM anything. It's about you doing whatever you think and feel is best for you.
😂
Their contempt is your sign to establish stronger boundaries.
This is 100%. Narcs respect strength and dominance, they despise weakness....AND they interpret your backing away as weakness (think wolf or bear in the wild). Contempt is an invitation to strengthen your boundary. It sucks but toe-to-toe is the only way to gain their respect (they still won't admit it, but they will internally value you and treat you differently).
@@rationalevidence9095is that kind of combative connection worthwhile though!? I think careful retreat and leaving is better and finding new connections with people who are healthy.
@@neilmurphy966 of course you're right, but in instances where distance is not possible (or contains tremendous sacrifice), you should turn and face the bear instead of playing dead. I can't imagine my children seeing a narc win and then internalizing the lie that narc is the way to win in the world.
@@rationalevidence9095In certain cases you have to be direct with the narc and let them throw their toddler tantrums.
@@rationalevidence9095Lol, they don't respect anyone!
Dr. Carter after hearing your description I believe the narcissist husband I married is incapable of change. I haven't had internal peace since I married 18 years ago. When single I was happier, peaceful, growing. He slowly took away everything I cared about that made me, 'me'. Preventing me from the gym, my art, my music study he literally unplugged my electrical instrument and forbade music lessons etc.....I hardly recognize myself now and has taken a toll on aspects of health. He literally physically smiles when being at his cruelest , downright evil, almost demonic. I want my life back I miss who I was. Growing up I had received both my parents physical/emotional/verbal abuse. Ironically I met my husband in church. When our relationship became serious, in an attempt on my part to prevent a 'cycle' of past parental abuse from repeating in a potential marriage, as a precaution I asked him if he had any temper issue he looked me in the eye and said "no". I never saw signs of temper/anger/hate/ disregard/ lack of empathy, etc. etc. etc. before marriage. He had been charming, agreeable, generous. I didn't know at that time it was his 'false self' or whatever you called it. His verbal/emotional abuse toward me began exactly 1 week after we were officially married....
Sounds like my story. I hope you got out.
Could not move on. Fifteen years, 16, 17, 18... Moved on. But that was short lived. Smear campaign. He could not move on. Kid was 18 mos. Curtains blowing in the wind. Kid is 25. Psycho suggested we get married. After 2 blissful years of no contact. I asked, "Another bait and switch?". Did not hear from him for another year. He loves to destroy holidays. Did it again! Kid graduated from college. Moved 1,500 miles away! Psycho dad lost control. Threw a fit. Grey rock. No contact ASAP! It is the best way to preserve your sanity. You do not want PTSD or Complex PTSD. Screen carefully! Most have a haughty attitude. They cannot go too long without their frustration expressing itself as anger! Then they do projection, punishment, devaluation, abuse, insults to your core.
@@maryglo1 Wow! That's a lot to go through! Especially with your child involved. Are you out? I wasn't sure by what you wrote. I'm sure I already have PTSD, don't know if it's 'Complex' or not. Do you have it? Your description of "They cannot go too long without their frustration expressing itself as anger! Then they do projection, punishment, devaluation, abuse, insults to your core." is exactly what my narc husband does to me.
You’re not the alone on this one, my husband represented himself as a wonderful, kind, fun, loving, supportive understanding person; until I said I do. 20 years on he’s a monster. I’ve learnt to step around , play possum and lie to for my little pieces of freedom and sanity. Stay strong ❤️🩹
I did have children with a narcissist, but I raised them with love and compassion because of my empath ways and taught them as best I can to teach them values. My two children are good individuals that I am proud of them.
My two were so warped that their narc dad showed nothing, they spend their lives trying to get his attention while kicking me to the curb. They couldn't see I was enough. I'm glad you got to keep your kids 🥰
I was the one that divorced him due to his verbal and physical abuse. However, he asked me "not" to take his kids away from him and I remembered not having my father who was also a narcissist too, but I didn't want to take my children's father away from him which I feel I have too much empathy, so I wanted to do the right thing for the children's sakes. I never married again.
@homegown1234 I didn't tale my kids away either, turned out to be a grave mistake..
So did l.
I taght tem hime school + took them to s.s. on sundays + chidrens club at church. Theyre marrued wit their own kids. I still hav e mothers relationship with them. Theyre in their 40s they also have somewhat if relationship with their dad.
Honestly, Jesus showed me all the narcissistic people around me when I gave my life to Him. It was amazing how my eyes suddenly opened
Indeed... A friend who practiced psychology for almost 60 years, said "There are some conditions not even Jesus could not fix"
Love this.
I trusted on someone who claimed and seen to be a mature christian externally but turned up to be a total narcissist and that is very dangerous. It is like Wolf in Sheep's clothing. The Lord provides you discernment for protection against such whom were beyond redemption.
Well jack oneil lol sg1 Jesus isn't going to fix those who love evil, it's not a matter of can't, its why we had capital punishment everywhere and in the olden days a narc would have violated the law to a point of being charged with capital punishment, rape, murder, repeated assault, some big theft to this day about 70% of inmates in prisons are narcissists and repeat criminal offenders so they would of been gone in the good ol days and everyone would of known why instead of it being a matter of opinion.
I have found that no amount of prayer stops them. I have prayed God does what He needs to do to keep them away from me and it helps some. We are in a nest of them now and it is HORRIBLE.
One thing that is a classic personality character with narcissists is that the one they live with is treated the worst. Everyone else outside the home is listened to, complimented and appreciated. For some reason, they let their hair down at home, and treat the ones closest to them like garbage. It's difficult to process this behavior when the innocent, healthier person has to always acquiesce to the narcissist just to get along.
I have been married 36 miserable abusive years. I am learning! Thank you
The last words my narc mom said to me were that "I betrayed her and that I'm a traitor." After she betrayed me for all those years. So sad honestly. I'm now 35. It still hurts. 😢
You know, look think this way. If THEY have a problem with everyone, and most people love and respect you. Well who do you think is the problem. Here is a hint it’s not you. Move on, even good parents die. I’m sure many people think your a great person. You gave enough of your life. Live your life, enjoy the person you are. God bless.
My Narcissist mother's last words were basically F you. I had just quit my job so she wouldn't be alone. You can't make this up!
The narc will accuse you of what they are guilty of.
Please let go of her anger which, essentially, is based on her fear that you're better than her.
Become the mother to yourself, that you should have had. Accept your shortcomings (we all have them) and strive to be your best self. None can take that from you.
Your mother was a selfish pig. I am so sorry you were cursed with having her as a mother.
It’s a sad destructive condition. They experienced abuse, rejection and abandonment as a child and spend their adult life pushing people away through their actions and behaviour which means they get rejected and abandoned!!!……It’s a totally nuts self destructive behaviour
My daughter did not experience abuse, neglect or abandonment as a child yet she is an awful narcissist. So, you cannot say this is the cause.
Getting spoiled as a child can also cause it so it's not always abuse. You have to teach children to have empathy.
I agree, same thing happened in my life, I think children can inherit narcissism from another parent or grandparent, it starts in puberty and gets worse. It is absolutely NOT always the parents fault. @gayleb9656
I agree, they can have wonderfully caring parents, esp. single parents, who are determined to put their child first, they then develop contempt for these parents, and have no empathy for them.
The *LEVEL* of *CRUELTY (CONTEMPT)* my narcissistic housemate displayed went well beyond the brief hurts that happen sometimes in my non-toxic, non-narcissistic relationships!!
The thing that finally permanently broke my trust was his repeated, calculated, laser-focused weaponizing of anything and everything I had ever told him about my life, my philosophies, my experiences. He frequently ambushed me with negative, shaming comments about sensitive information I divulged in confidence long ago. He committed these twisted, brutal verbal assaults during my most vulnerable, grief-ridden moments. I imagine such dishonorable “victories” gave him a fleeting supply of self-righteous superiority.
Fortunately, I have been free for 1.5 years now… I am healing slowly, moving forward gradually… but I have not forgotten.
I will no longer allow anyone to treat me this way; I will not bear such disrespectful treatment in silence ever again.
Thank you for all of your hours of support free to us. I am heartbroken to believe that your video exactly describes my marriage of 19 years and 7 beautiful children. I am awake now to what is going on after years of gaslighting and emotional abandonment and smear campaigns behind my back. I am in a horrific situation that I feel stuck in as a Christian with so many children, and I live in a no fault state where I will, apart from a miracle, lose my home and half of my time with my beloved children. It is very dark. I have been pushed into a corner like a weak and wounded animal with seemingly few choices to salvage my family. Pray for me.
I just said a prayer for you dear girl. Knowledge is power, but comes with a price and can make it harder because you know what you are dealing with. I know you must be praying for God's strength and guidance and I pray for you to have the strength to deal with this for yourself and your children. Stay true to yourself, stay strong in God's protection. He's got you. Keep your inner strength and don't let him (husband) see any fear, just the Armour of God back at him.
I’m praying too. God bless and keep you. I’ve been there too. I totally agree with Pompano!! Don’t let him turn the children against you.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
When contempt reveals itself, it's irredeemable.
…irredeemable, at least without a miracle!
It takes a certain personality type to love, care, control and contain a narcissist. Expecting them to change is the first mistake.
I think it is a mistake to try to control and contain a narcissist. Like having a pet tiger, you can love them from a distance.
99% of Narcissists are beyond redemption.
Exactly! The other 1% is dead.
@@MsBettyRubble😂😂😂😂🎯🎯🎯
👍😄🤣😂 too funny.
I still have a problem with God expecting me to forgive such a person that didn't want me to have my own life - but luckily due to my stubbornness as a child of 9, I learned to take care of me. That gave me the fortitude to fight her from keeping me from leaving high school when I knew deep down once I have a full job I would not be able to finish high school. All, of my mother's excuse so we can continue to work to support a married woman that couldn't get her 4th husband to work and support her. Unbelievable, since my mother wanted "a free ride" in life but not in the my life because I finally at 28 moved out for good and found my destiny to be the independent that eventually found someone to marry and eventually have a family of my own.
@@homegown1234 Even at age 9 you knew your value that you deserved better.
Dont fall for their projections. Their projections are their confessions, when u listen carfully, without fear. ❤
Yes. Very true.
One sign that a Narc is beyond redemption is the sense of contempt. Contempt means feeling others as inferior, inadequate to the point of worthless. The feeling of contempt leads to strong disdain, condescencion and hatred.
Narc's thinking,
"The world ows me!"
"You are a failure because you don't have promped me up!"
The Narcissistic mindset:
1. They want you to fear them
2. They want the seat of power
3. They wish to prove their significance
4. They wish to disguise their ineptitude
5. They wish to keep a comperative
upper hand
Narcs deep history:
> feeling "not enough"
> feeling misunderstood
> inability to forgive or accept
> attitude of paranoia
> strong compensation mode
> they displace and project
》Be a big picture thinker
》Don't try to force insight
》Don't exchange negative traits with them
》Maintain delicate detachment
》Practice boundaries
》Maintain your initiatives
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Here you are!
I was looking for your video summary .
*THANK YOU*
🌻🌼🌴🌾🌿🏵️🌸🌷🌹🍀🌳☘️🌲🌼🌴🌾🌿💮☘️🌻🌼🏵️☘️💮✨🌾🌴🌿🌻🌼🌼🌼🌼🌿🌾🌼🌴🌾💮🌴🌼🌿🌾🌴🌼
Thank you so much for these notes! Was looking and hoping for this! Am saving these somewhere of course! Massive cheers to everyone's recovery and peace and truth and love!
@@lishmahlishmah You are welcome, Lishma. 🙏💛🙏 And thank you for the wonderful garden you sent me, which is beautiful and quite relaxing 😍
(BTW your comment was invisible once again but I immediatly thought: this must be Lishma 😅 and I was right indeed 😊)
@@antoinesimeon728 You are very welcome, Antoine 🙏💛🙏 And thanks for your good wishes of peace 🕊, love ❤ and truth ⭐. Wishing you the same on your healing journey 😍
Thank you so much for taking notes. 📓✍ A big mistake I made was to try to force insight.😆
I am a narcissist and this was helpful to hear, thank you. I fear and feel that point of beyond redemption and that is why ive been focusing so much on personal inventory. Like how, where, and why this contempt comes about. It winds up doing nothing but damage to others in the face of my empty pride. I've purposely stayed out of relationships because I've seen the unnecessary hurt that it causes. Gratitude lists have helped but negativity creeps in like hiccups i can't shake. Whether or not it's reversible or even manageable in any sort of relationship setting, I strive to know, and with vigilance. Regardless, no one deserves to be dragged down by my internal chaos. Really good points made in this video for me to sit with. Thanks
Good for you that you have this insight. Keep working at it.
@@deborabielik6017 thanks for the encouragement, sincerely.
I think that the fact that you're even concerned about your personal issues and how they may hurt another person is a step in the right direction
Thank you. Thank you for taking responsibility and recognizing the issues. Keep up the good work. Everyone deserves peace and love. You got this.
Face the trauma. Which is the cause.
"If I have problems, it's because of you"
That hit hard. Exactly what he would do to me.
Same as my ex husband
Contempt is the black hole of relationships. Once the narcissist exhibits that toward you, it continues to grow. Dr Gottman's study showed over 80% of married couples in therapy where one partner exhibited the micro expression of contempt were divorced within 10 years. While not exclusive to narcissistic relationships, contempt is certainly dangerous ground and a good indicator of its healthy aspects! Stay healthy, Team Healthy! Continued Blessings Dr C and Gus!
i agree with your viewpoint. Contemptuous remarks from a family member made me see that I needed to "detach discreetly", with polite, pleasant birthday and other greeting cards and messages; no personal information......Dignity, Civility and Respect, as Dr. C. advocates. I am enjoying the peace.
@@barbarakelly1916 I hear you! Protecting our Peace is a crucial step on our journey through these difficult relationships. It's not easy, but the rewards are worth it! We are worth it!
Yes, contempt is HUGE.
I've heard about that study, and believe it's true.
That's scary
As a christian it strikes me that Satan is the epitome of narcissism and C.S. Lewis' depictions of hell (prison locked from inside) is a world full of narcs getting more narcky every passing day.
What did CERN release? Demons to infest narcs or low vibrational people? Certainly seems like it the narcs are everywhere and making life very hard.
I need to go look at that again. (it's been years) With what I've been learning, that sounds very like truth! Thanks.
@@morebirdsandroses CS. Lewis in "the weight of glory" i believe says something like "we fail to realize that every person we pass by will one day be either a being so angelic we will be tempted to fall down and worship them, or a creature so vile we will turn away in disgust. Every day we make our decisions which lead us, one step at a time, towards one destination or the other.
I find it interesting that none of these narcs know Jesus either and you better not speak of salvation to them either!
@@daynapeterson9033 in the church there's plenty of narcs who THINK they know Jesus.... of course, Jesus mentions a whole group of people who think they're on their way to heaven....but aren't. The best way to love a narc is to warn them that God doesn't approve of their life (just run away quickly once you pull the pin on that grenade).
My mom was a Narcissist. There were problems from the day I was born, doctors were well aware of this. So many problems with her. I recall when I was very young she was putting on make up and left her lipstick out. As any toddler will do, I put the lipstick on to and showed her how pretty I looked. She then took her hairbrush to my lower back and spanked me with it HARD, very painful all the way from my low back to my foot. She spanked me so hard, she broke a thick handle brush and then had the audacity to accuse me of breaking her expensive and best hair brush. LMAO
There would be other things, but I would end up grey rocking her. My boundaries didn't count, because she would over ride them. I don't know how a child, and even a teen can set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. So the only thing I could think of doing is emotionally detaching myself from her for my own protection. I often wonder where all the adults were that were well aware of what was going on.
Did we have the SAME mom??!! Love to you!!!
These people hide their horrible behaviour from everyone. They seem so nice on the exterior.
My heart broke when my mother started looking at me like a was worthless and didn't deserve basic needs. I still remember here looking at me with such hatred and like I was scum of the bottom of her feet. She has passed, but I still have nightmares of those looks...it's been over two yrs.
Well you’re very valuable. I want you to start replacing those looks with God looking at you with loving kindness and compassion in His eyes.
@deborahcarder4270 Thank you, and I will keep asking God to help me see myself the way He sees me. Your post is very helpful and kind. Thank you.
it is pretty horrible when it comes from Mom and Dad. It's a whole other level than marrying one... We were children...
You’re lucky she’s gone.
I am so sorry! I too have a human woodchipper of a mother. She will be 95 years old in 2024. Yes, they most certainly get worse with age. And, I know that look of contempt, because what follows is a vicious attack on my mere existence. Thanks to Dr. Carter, I have a whole new perspective - my life has improved tremendously!
I said repeatedly, "we don't HAVE to communicate like this - there are healthier ways!"
He responded, "who do you think YOU are to question ME?"
It's absolute insanity, and you're spot on, Dr. Carter.
I had this exact same conversation with my mother and step father. I asked them at the diner table how we can best communicate. Step father just said he knew how to push my buttons. Wild.
@@Alice-pk9yc They actually derive pleasure from demeaning their victims, and will not give up the addiction, Alice.
yep I learnt this the hard way. Demons. They are blocked but my nervous system is getting serious tlc now.@@philchristensen2787
They enjoy button pushing & he actually complained when I went gray rock thanx to Dr C 😊 then he just disappeared nine months ago while I was taking a walk 🙏✨🦋 peace & quiet at last!
happy for you@@caroleminke6116 freedom is bliss!
Get the hell away from them- forever. Refuse to see them in the afterlife, too.
😂
Thank you Dr. Carter, for all your kind wisdom. I'm almost 18 years out from 24 years married to a narcissist, and since he's turned his entitled-ness on our grown children, alienating one entirely, and causing the other to suffer for now, I'm finally learning about narcissism and why we went through all the crap we went through. Plus, I was a practicing alcoholic most of the marriage: I was part of our problems. I'm twenty-plus years sober, which gave me the freedom to leave him. I'm healing and taking responsibility. He's stuck in the same, suffocating mindset of blaming the rest of us. What a sad, lonely way to live. I had 8 magnificent years with my late second husband. He showed me what's possible sober and being cherished.
The difference? You took responsibility and committed to growth. So pleased for you.
Thank you.@@SurvivingNarcissism
I am happy for you that your second husband was good for you. Also, a huge congratulations on your sobriety. That is a huge achievement.
I was trapped for 41 years, but KARMA helped me there.
Stay strong and be happy that you found a good Nan.
Just doing the same re drugs chick, sorting my addictions to avoid the codependance and acceptance of negative traits. Keep on Rockin'!
7 months no contact with drugs, ready to live my best life
My mother was a full fledged narcissist. She was so toxic, pathological, and poisonous. The only way to save yourself from this kind of person is to stay away from them.
I found it so hard to believe that a friend I (thought I) knew for over 20 years, revealed her covert narcissistic personality disorder. I hadn't seen her in that time but when she and her husband (another dominant narc!) asked me to stay with them on a small farm property in a separate cabin I thought there'd be little problem as we had earlier gotten on so well. What I found hard to assimilate was the revelation that the person I had related to in a 'close' friendship 20 years earlier was nothing but a facade - her mask, as she was much older, was now showing cracks and the attempts to CONTROL were coming out left, right and centre - things like manipulating to get pity, flatly denying what she'd said even just 10 minutes earlier, and blatantly lying about events and things said and done by her. This woman claims to be a Christian, as I am, but in this case it's not God who has control of her behaviour, but very obviously to me something quite evil. I was alarmed when she started even using her 'religion' to dictate to me a 'need for conversion' blah blah blah! Our 'friendship' came to an end a short time later when I discovered through a 3rd party that she and her husband had lied about and slandered me online to a legal representative acting for me in a tenancy dispute matter. How these people can think they really 'know it all' and control it all, is beyond me. I've never seen anything so pathetic (but nonetheless destructively powerful) in my entire life. It is a power that destroys its victims, bit by bit, and the fear this instilled in me took about 2 years to lose its grip. Narcissists are in for an incredible day of reckoning when that time comes.
Both my parents are extremely narcissistic. My father on the violent bullying kind, and my mother on the machiavellian kind that directs him. My younger brother's wife for years would always complain to me that I didn't go home enough and visit my mother. Obviously my mother was triangulating her like everyone else. Then after her and my brother had a baby, my parents went to visit them in another country and stayed with them for over 4 weeks. The next time I met my sister's wife she said to me, oh my god, you should never communicate with either of them again in your life and cut off all contact. I told her, I guess now you know why I keep away from them. Of course it's impossible for me to keep away completely as their is no end of chaos they can cause for me without keeping some contact, including finding my address from random people, or even, with my elder brother ringing a national radio station, for something. So, I try to grey rock them as much as possible, something I've naturally done since I'm 5, in order to not let them destroy good things in my life. I have though, moved over 10,000 km's away from the toxic pair.
I will say though, I am always in awe of people who have not come across people like this so much in life. I spent most of my life around people like this, in workplaces and hobbies too, and it's only in the last few years where I have been able to get away from them. What really shocks me though, is how they can pull the wool over so many people's eyes. I do have to say though, that people like this are running many companies and organisations of power, and most people are clueless to it.
I agree. My now ex and my son claim to be God's but inside they are pure evil. I am safe now, 3 states away.
@@proudamerican2133which god?!
@salauerman7082 the ONLY one. Make your choice. Face the consequences. Nobody else can do it for you. Deep down you know.
@@proudamerican2133 I was wondering which god your ex and son claim to belong to, because they can’t possibly be serving the Holy God who tells us to forgive, show mercy, do justly, and walk humbly…
"I refuse to be a receptacle for your internal chaos."
Well said, Doctor!!!!👏👏👏
And yes, no contact is the only way to go. That's exactly how I started 2024.
Happy New Year to all!
Best wishes as you move forward
When he told me he couldn’t stand to look at my face…something inside me just broke… I knew hope was gone.
A comment like that says nothing about you and everything about him. I wish you the best.
@@SurvivingNarcissism you’re very kind. Thank you
Giving up on hopeless Hope for Change has freed you for a better life. I hope that you can get away and move forward! Nasty comments like you experienced reveal the speaker's cruelty and a troubled mind.
I’m still in the final stages of a divorce from a narc after 25 years. I’ve been doing so much personal work, which has helped me immensely. I had to go no contact with him during the divorce, but when he finds a way to “get” to me he always adds a snide or demeaning remark. It still initially triggers me, but now I have grown to love it because it reminds me what this person is really like no matter how I try to romanticize having a civil relationship with him. He’s just not capable. 😕
You are right 👍
It has been THE hardest lesson. That they just can't. As much as you try or wish, it just is not possible. But, but, but. No. Move on and focus on yourself. No contact has been a sanity saver!! Highly recommend.
Right there with you!
When they take off their mask, it is so clear that we have nothing to talk about because we have nothing in common and they are not for us but hate us.
You can’t put everyone in a box.
Back when I was still talking to her, my sister accused me of "thinking you are special"--she resents that I'm an artist, and she is terrified my family will think I'm better than her. Which is a joke since I'm the scapegoat 😂. Thx Dr. Carter for another great video ❤
EXACTLY! I think we have the same sister!
@@rhondajoy320 oh dear, I dont wish that for you or anyone! 😭
Yep, my sister exactly.
Well, my sister comes from the same bad batch!
Imagine living in terror over some made up shit in your head that doesn't even vaguely resemble reality.
A disordered personality like this cannot be redeemed, fixed or changed. It's innate. Environment can worsen the destructive traits; but IMHO, it's at the core (or lack thereof) of what they are. Best bet is no contact, no matter what. Having a beautiful, healthy & stable relationship after a narc is 100% possible - sending hope & strength to all those trapped & abused by these human monsters ❤️
I lived with a malignant narcissist who was literally sucking my soul out and left me in the dust til
I had lost myself- I finally wised up and knew I had to remove myself from this evil asap- lest death was the only way out!
It was unbearable and I was living in misery and fear of him- which went on all day ever day- he held me contempt with every breath he took and emanated pure hatred towards me- I’ve been free of him for over 10 yrs now- he remarried and then recently died after her had BBC alienated his children and me- awful that I couldn’t let go long ago!! Dealing with sanely is not possible
"They displace and they project." Very profound!
After 46 years of such abuse from our mother, her aiding and abetting the same from her golden children, I finally walked away. No, leaving them to their devices didn't stop the abuse, but at least I wasn't there dealing with their crap, I was busy making great memories with my own family. While they sat home drunk and lying to their codependents, I'm sure they were bewildered when confronted by pictures and clips of me in magazines and on television having a great time without their input, without their overt attacks.
All narcissists are beyond redemption. When you sense a narcissist, leave their area immediately. Leave mid sentence, whether to be your sentence or their mid sentence. Leave as soon as you sense a narcissist. Do not finish your thought. Just leave and never speak to that person ever again.
I was my father's caretaker. Every morning, once in his presence, I felt his contempt, his sneering contempt, his despise for me. It was hard to take care of someone like that. It was so hard to feel hatred from your own father every single day. That is the #1 word I used to describe him: CONTEMPT 😢
Must be incredibly difficult. I’m not looking forward to that day if I have to take care of my parents. Especially my father. I can feel the contempt in his face. I don’t think it will matter when their gone bc their voices are stuck in my head
Contempt translates to pure old hate in my opinion. You MUST get away from them. Permanently. The hatred of you will only grow and become all encompassing.
I have been struggling with health issues, and when we’ve had fights he says hateful things, disregards the health issues and calls me a manipulator…the last straw today was him telling me “go ahead and die”….I don’t understand how anyone can say something so cruel to someone you say you love. I wouldn’t say that to my worst enemy.
This is absolutely true!!!! They mask their contempt in subtle ways when younger hoping to hide it from others but as they get older their life is set, they have gotten away with so much they begin to be openly mean thinking others will remain loyal to them.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I am dealing with an older Narc. so alone. Very, very very, very sad. Like an unmorred ship in a storm. Blasted through marriage after marriage, (3- 4) addictions, sadness overwhelming sadness. Lost. A ship in a storm, a terrible, terrible storm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lost, so unmoored, soooooooooooo deeply lost and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo broken. Awful. This perspn is facing so many terrible issues - huge issues of their own making. They know how much damage they caused to others, their own life and to thier families. Destruction, after destruction after destruction.
I am their ONLY "helicopter" friend, nothing more. It is all that I can be for them. Nothing more than that. It is so awful to watch the damages unfold, day after day and there is nothing but empathy from me that I can give them. An unmoored yacht, they used to be a yacht - a long, long time ago and now they are an old, uncared for yacht living and trying to sail inside of a truly PERFECT STORM. SO TERRIBLE.
He hated me and discarded me because I wouldn't turn a blind eye to his multiple affairs and pretend that everything was wonderful and that I should have been happy and thankful because he was such a generous, kind and amazing partner.
Wow you really described my ex husband. Our 30 year old daughter is the one dealing with him and he makes her cry constantly. He makes her feel sorry for him then treats her horribly if she disagrees with his behavior. She’s gone no contact several times but he threatenes suicide to make her feel it would be he responsibly if he did so. It’s so abusive. I really hope at some point she can break free the way I did. Thank you for this. I will send this to her. Truly appreciate it. Its so hard to deal with.
I can relate to your daughter and I wish you two the best. I encouraged my mother 3 years ago to leave my father after 44 years together! I have always known something was not right within our household, had to tiptoe and always watch his mood. I have always been the one with "the big mouth" who defended my mother and tried to put her in a good daylight with him. My mom was his scapegoat and I was (for a long time) his golden child (and only-child), but I could always see past his behaviour. I went no contact 3.5 years ago when my first child was born, because I could see his effect on me and my new family, because he made me so upset and cry so much. Now he came back in to our lives, and I unfortunately let him. Out of guilt and empathy (he is 70 and has almost nobody anymore). But now he wants to keep talking about the past and how good he did everything and how my mom and I ruined him (his body for example: he is very unhealthy and he tells me that is because of stress because he always took such good care of my mom and I, especially financially - not because of the fact that he is a smoker that takes a lot of painkillers and sleeping-pills, eats horribly and never does any sports). I have told him now for many times since he is back in our lives, I don't want to talk anymore about the past, but then he threatens to end his own life. It is evil manipulation and it triggers me so much. I need to do a lot of work on myself to not get so triggered and angry... But that is difficult. And the sick thing is: he doesn't mean it one second: He got a heart-scare last month and now he is seeking pity al the time for the fact that he almost died and he is so scared to die / leave soon. It is all craving attention and a reaction. Hope your daughter can distance herself and start to live her own life. She is not responsible for him at all.
Print this out and show it to her.
I myself am a survivor of parental abuse and neglect. What her father does is his own problem not hers. If he does that to himself it has nothing to do with her. She is not married to him he is her father. She can go on ahead and have her own good separate life apart. If he is 'capable' of loving her he will come around. I believe some narcissists can't love others, don't have the ability to love others, because they don't first love themselves. Although it 'seems' like they do love themselves they really don't. As the old saying goes 'to love others, one must first love themselves'. I don't think most narcissist's love 'anyone' including themselves.
Why.
Did. You.
Procreate with him?
@@drivethruabortion280 Procreating. That's. What. Most .Married. Men. And .Women. Do. Together. F.Y.I.
Didn't they have the talk at home or in school? It can take years before personality disorders may destroy a marriage. Be gone. With. Evil .Agenda.
I would argue all Narcissists are beyond redemption, based solely on the way redemption works.
The first step to achieving redemption is having the sincere humility to know that you need to seek redemption.
Narcissists are incapable of sincerity (except when they are expressing hatred or their firm beliefs in their own perfection), and to the Narcissist, "humility" is a four-letter word.
If you are wholly incapable of meeting even the very first requirement on the road to redemption, you are clearly beyond redemption.
You can see the contempt they have for you in their eyes.
Thank you for being there for who are being tormented 😢
My narcs are dead silent.
They almost convinced me that it was me
My gratitude to you, Dr. Carter 🎉❤
they like to play games :(
A narcissist will never own up to their actions. No contact at all.
it's just a matter of time that some come to this realization
I had no idea until recently what I was dealing with. 24 years of degradation could have been avoided had I known that there was no chance of better with my narcissist husband. He is beyond redemption. Now I know and so I’ve put permanent distance from his contempt for me. He can have a fit and fall in it.
Take care and well done,give yourself a big hug.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
When he led worship during Sunday service, I never attended. I knew it was mocking God. But his family recorded videos and sent them to me. I let it go, stayed in my own church, the farthest away from them I could be.
'Instead of growing, they displace and project.' That nails it! Thanks Dr. C, for yet another helpful video.
In the last three years of my marriage to my narc wife, her transmissions of utter disdain and contempt for me became palpable without the need for words. My mere presence was such an inconvenience for her that the hatred toward me oozed out of her wherever we were in the same room together. I actually began to fear going to sleep in my own house.
Gosh this is almost identical to my journey the last few years. My Husband left me, and at the end I slept in the spare room with the door locked, then finally moved into a friends while we were selling our house. I really thought the disdain and loathing for me was all in my head, do to my not being good enough, until I finally understood and got educated. Trying to get people to understand what you have lived through will only be supported by some and that's okay, as long as you have a support system and tools. Blessings to you.
“…my mere presence was such an inconvenience for her…”. Well said. I have been feeling like an inconvenience and nuisance. The fact that I am here seems to cause all the problems.
Careful steps I utilized to remove the covert narcissist from my home. I could no longer stand his energy and presence so I asked the universe for assistance.
Step 1: educate with the topic and watch at least 20+ hours of these videos to know who and what I was dealing with.
Step 2: Grey rock - show zero emotional response to everything they say or act. Speak and reply back in an emotionless manner. Think of a robot or cyborg. Show zero joy and zero sadness. Whether they belittle you or try to feed you crumbs, you must show no sign of emotions.
Step 3: I hinted and suggested they leave as he was no longer suitable to live in my home. I was prepared for lots of gas lighting and attempts for hourly explanations so he can stay. Be prepared for more false promises. I continued with the grey rock responses and did not get triggered. I'm able to hold a straight and emotionless face for days if needed.
Step 4: The narcissist thought this was merely a play and temporary so he thought 3 weeks of vacation would automatically fix this predicament.
----Universe answered----
Step 5: While he was away on vacation thinking he can come back to some refreshed supply and new start, I carefully packed and labeled all of his belongings. I dropped them all off to the next city.
Step 6: Location of his belongings and retrieval process was emailed to him. As I decided on no contact, my mom helped me send an email to him saying to tell him to never contact me again and local authorities will be contacted if he walks on our property.
Step 7: Be prepared to receive rageful emails and texts from new email addresses and unknown numbers 'demanding' explanations.
Step 8: Send one more final email saying lawyers and police will be involved if this harassment continues. (I've documented his texts, audios and emails which can all be used against him in court)
Step 9: Heal myself and seek peace. I took up archery, increased my home security and did bodybuilding to regain my self confidence and improve my strength if needed for self-defense one day.
Step 10: start living.
Wishing the best for everyone. I know God exists but we must listen.
wow awesome!❤
This all hits home. My CN is full of disdain and contempt. The CN's longer relationships being the worst of course. I realized just recently that the more I know about them the angrier they get toward me. The little quirks and idiosyncrasies that aid in building a long friendship is exactly what destroys one with a CN. They are paranoid. They can't discern properly. They are flawed in this manner of relational intimacy. Just a comment about their likes or dislikes is met with criticism and defensiveness. It's mind boggling and sad.
Being told "I don't care" many times over, finally got to message through to me. He didn't care and I had to accept it. That callous contempt hit home. That was the deal breaker. John Gotman understands. Thanks Dr. Carter, once again.
Because of course he doesn’t care… my narcissistic bf had an ex who told so & said that she’d never trust him again… I learned the hard way he’s the shamed child not me
The man I was married to use to say “I DON’T CARE” and I replied “YOU SHOULD” and he said “ WELL, I DON’T!”. The other mantras that I grew tired of were “ I’m not, you’re not, we’re not and I can’t, You can’t and we can’t”.
@@marjoriemurray4381 Years ago I had a psychiatric patient who'd say, "you're no good, you never were, and you never will be..." Your ex's mantra has a familiar ring to it. Just words going around in circles. But that 'I don't care' is brutal. Courage and peace to you Marjorie.👩🎨🐕🐕
This is what I heard so much lately. When I told him I was leaving he shot back at me: “I don’t care!”. So I left and he looked upset at first but then recovered his fake false front soon enough. Will I ever know what he really things and FEELS? Now I am gone.
@@marjoriemurray4381 I was also told that he doesn’t have to tell me anything. Yes you do. NO I don’t. Nice life, eh?
Thank you!! Married to a narcissist 15 years, walking wounded, but at least aware.