I was the scapegoat. At age 46, I moved to north central MN. At age 49 I went no contact. All that is up here is snow and woods, with not a narcissistic family member for a thousand miles. It’s been a year now of no contact, and it’s been the best year of my life.
Happy hear there just hope to disconnect with them forever...Jim! I always think how move away far even to our country but unfortunately I couldn't done it yet....where I live it's a small country and even if you live in other city they try to figure out where are you...I wish find peace and not have see all my family forever being with just Mr and my dog ...and sometime meet only nice healthy pepole...so in a way I wish I could be in you're own step ...
@@חניתהאזולאי-ט5נ I hope and pray you find peace too. Keep making plans to get safe. And until then, research “gray rock” techniques, and other ways to improve boundaries. That was the first step for me. It took decades to finally be free. But it was worth it.
I’m getting all teary-eyed, I’m so f*cking happy for you. Seriously. I know first hand, everything you’ve just described. I hope you thrive in your peace. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Damn this kool-aid taste like i may have been right for much longer then i thought i didn't want to see it forever i thought our relationship could be fixed
Yep guys, it can't be fixed. I'm in my 60's and I've tried. When you realize there is no cure, that's when you walk away. I only wish I'd known about this whole thing 40 years ago, but better late than never! We are not Kool-aid drinkers and that's it.
We are scapegoated in our families because WE TELL/TOLD THE TRUTH, which our family members could not stand!! I grew up on the east coast and moved all the way to Hawaii to get away from them! I was left out of the Will!.... I deal with the family rejection to this day (I am 65 now) We scapegoats are STRONG and RESILIENT which is another reason we are hated by our SICK family...so take heart, your family was jealous of your strengths that THEY NEVER HAD!!! :-)
I have a very similar story. Moved from New Jersey to California to escape. Likewise, totally disinherited without any warning or discussion. I am approaching 68.
I moved 800 km from them, then to other country. Distance give the chance But, please, be watchful, please, don't fall for their traps and baits I had forgotten who my mom is and fallen to her trap. I have excuse - it was 26 years ago and I heard nothing then about narcissism I'm not going to my mom's funeral even if all my family becomes flying monkeys, I had decided. I'm 63, I'm myself mother, and now also grandmother... I have rights, and no one allowed to bully me
@matikramer9648 Absolutely, you deserve to be happy. I went no contact with my mom in January 2023, and I am not ready to talk to her yet because I don't want to fall back into that trap. I am very careful and nothing, nobody can treat me like shit again. I have the right to be myself and be happy. Last weekend, one of my brothers said I should call her. I just sighed. I am not ready, period. I hope to forgive her and relate with her from a distance, but let me heal first. Thank you for sharing.
I remember being a kid like 5or 6 writing in my journal that “ my family calls me the problem child and I want to be good so they will like me” I used to cry all the time to God to change me. I’m glad I found ur channel because so much makes sense now. I just want to fully heal and not let my past continue to dictate my future.
Narcisists hate the Truth Tellers. And try to get us to Lie and Manipulate, like they do. Because they are afraid of us exposing them. While we Truth Tellers are from The Light. And Liars and Manipulators are from The Darkness. You seem to know who you are.... A Lovely Truth Teller.... Inside and Out
I can totally identify! Withdrawing, weeping, writing in my journal, crying out to God! Eventually I gave up on myself, my desires and dreams, and even God for not hearing and helping me (so I thought). I stayed home until I miraculously got married just over a year ago, at 29. Lived with both parents as narcs, third of 8 kids, am definitely the scapegoat... Yet, God brought me a loving hubby, and has been bringing much healing, beauty, joy, etc. in my life since! Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing your wisdom! I can't express enough HOW much it is helping me and my husband understand and deal with our tremendously difficult situation!
I totally identify with this!! My mom found the journal and threatened to tell my father and I would get into trouble ... I was too young to understand that I wasn’t doing anything wrong
@@virgogrowing2337 The Narcist/Sociopath/Psychopaths in our lives love to Manipulate and Project Blame onto the Truth Tellers around them. Since they take our Honorable Character, to be a Threat Against There Behavior Being Exposed.
Every time I read the comments from all the people who have survived I just want to say: GROUP HUG, GROUP HUG!! My hope is huge blessings for all of you...
Another characteristic of a narcissistic family is giving fake sympathy when the scapegoat goes through hard times and laughing at him/her behind his/her back.
Yep, even when they apologize it’s all manipulation and when they cry, it’s crocodile tears. They’re literally actors, but pretty bad actors.😅 I had Lyme disease three times and my mom told me to get over my symptoms and that she didn’t believe me, but when she had her body breakdown and had surgery, she would try to limp in front of me to try to get attention. These people are just the most pathetic you have to laugh at them😅😂
Scapegoated for my entire childhood right up until I realized university would be my only chance at escape. I busted my hump to get terrific marks in my last year of high school and suddenly I was the golden child... but it was all hollow and I saw right through it as my brother quickly became the scapegoat instead. I moved away for university and went low-contact, and I’ve been no-contact for nearly a decade. I committed to serious CBT and DBT work for much of my 20’s and now, at 33, I finally feel like the captain of my own ship. I’m in a loving, equitable marriage and have a safe home where boundaries are respected and love is unconditional. I’m a teacher, giving a safe space to students who may not have one at home.
May God (or who/whatever you're comfortable with) bless the shit out of you! Your post has me all teary-eyed. I just love that you are holding a safe space for kiddos. Thank you for pushing through that awful crap and doing better than what you got . . . oh, my feels, right now . . . so happy you exist
All of the above! The best revenge is living well and happy. I was fortunate I realized I could never win in the Narcissist's "swamp" when I was a child and internally went my own way. Basically gave them the finger in my mind and trudged on. My mother would say "I wish I hadn't had children". I replied " Then I wouldn't have known the difference would I? " deflating her intent to hurt. You could literally see the frustration. Not giving them the satisfaction can be empowering. And realizing inside they are mean & miserable. Be happy & succeed. You'll drive them nuts. If necessary, "Stash that trash in the road side barrell" and move on.....
I never really thought that something was wrong as a child because it was all I knew so I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I stayed at other friend's houses and notice that their family didn't scream at each other constantly and nobody was beating on them all the time. But honestly I was so brainwashed I didn't really start figuring it out until I was well into adulthood. My mother was so narcissistic manipulative abusive and controlling that I couldn't think for myself until I was in my forties. I broke free from her shortly before my 40th birthday and it's taking me this long just to get to this point 9 years later. I've always felt like I'm behind everybody else
@@juliedewyer1366 Do not measure YOUR own awareness with anyone else! Each person makes changes as they are able to process the complexities of their own given situation. DO NOT EVER put a time frame on your personal, spiritual or physical growth. Just relax and let it unfold naturally to YOUR own abilities of comprehension, reasoning and understanding. We are ALL flawed...but fabulous!!!
@@juliedewyer1366 No Julie not at all. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am in my 50s and just discovering what narcissism is (I always thought it was just vanity). Be good to yourself and give yourself the chance to think for yourself for once. It is regrettable the cards we were dealt, but I try to remind myself that in the last half of my life that “There’s still time for a happy childhood “, and that can mean just feeling at peace ☮️ because you really deserve it 🧡🧡
I was the sibling who was left out by siblings in social gatherings, the butt of jokes and insults. Yet I was the one who they came to fix their problems. In my 50’s I realized I deserved better and went no contact. Having no close family hurts but as time goes on I realize I have value and deserved better. I miss the idea of family but not the people who I once considered precious to me above all else.
My life....well said! Yes it hurts like hell... but once l decided.. No contact! PEACE.. I'm from a large family to now just hubby & l.. GOD HAS GIVEN ME PEACE! Have a hug from me.❤
That's me but I cannot move yet because once they stick my dad of 86 years in a nursing home so they can sell his house, they'll dump him like a hot potato. He wasn't narcissistic at all; he just couldn't bring himself to punish us so my late mom had to. I feel someone needs to stay by dad. He'd rather come home where I'm willing to care for him. Is that me being scapegoated more? How do I walk away from dad who never turned his back on me?
This is incredibly familiar to me! Two of my siblings are narcissists and I was their whipping boy…. Beaten down this way throughout my life. Only came to truly understand my situation and family relationships once I was in my 60s! Guilted into trying to help them only to be abused over and over again. When my own adult son was upset to witness my siblings- and now their kids!!! - disrespectful and mistreating me did I understand the chronic gaslighting and how hurtful it had really been all of my life. Now have cut them all out of my life. Slowly recovering from it all.
@@chrisb.4323 I am not sure you ever recover from it but you learn to live with it. Even after years I still feel resentment and anger from time to time. At least for the most part I have some peace and a lot less drama in my life. When I am down I ask myself is my life better with them or without them. It puts it in perspective rather quickly. I am proud that I have finally developed a back bone and set boundaries. I have some self respect and overall I am stronger emotionally. Sorry to hear about your family problems and sometimes the hardest thing is the best thing for you.
I cried as well!!!! I’m so overwhelmed by this & it’s all happening step by step!!! I seen it as a child into my adulthood (54) & it hurts just as bad or even more
thanks for your comment, Wes. I'm older as well, and trying hard to overcome. I married the same kind of person as my mother, but it didn't show until our first son was born. I hate myself that I replayed the role, and I can't afford in today's world to step out. I won't get freedom until either they, or I, die.
@@20sandi12 don't put yourself in that position. If you think you are too old to walk away, then think about how your narcisist spouse think. Walk away....if they want to have you back because they are scare to be old and alone, then they need to earn it........
@@reginapolo3357 ...I shouldn't have written that. There are millions of homeless women out there who are homeless as a result of 'walking away' from a narcissist. I'll be alright; ultimately it is my shadow self (very strong conflict-avoidant) that I finally am learning to overcome.
I was the family scapegoat and treated horribly. Blamed for everything and treated the absolute worst out of everyone in the family. I focused on my own healing religiously for years, found passion and purpose in my life, and now i help others do the same. You can do it too. You will survive and thrive once you focus on You and your amazing qualities. Miracles do happen. Keep shining ✨️
I realized early , thank goodness i came out of it after someone introduce me to chanting ' Nam Myoho Renge Kyo' The people who blame others dont want to take their own responsibility. thats not our problem , thats their problem.
For those who are asking themselves, "What's wrong with me?" or, "What have I done to be treated this way?" It's NOT you. It's a broken person giving you their rendition of who you are to them, but honestly, that's how they feel about themselves. Healthy people don't go looking to blame others for the issues in their life.
Amen! That's right! Especially the blaming children that we're hearing about on this thread. Children are not responsible for their parent's happiness! Good Grief.
I was scapegoated because I was bright and I did really well at school and my narcissistic mother was so jealous of me. So, scapegoating is not just about not measuring up. It's also because you have great qualities and the narcissistic parent wants to drag you down because they're so jealous and envious of you.
This was my story too and my mother was jealous of everything Incas, had and did. until she died although she would also brag about me to others to make herself look good then turn around in private and cut me down. This made me feel such deep insecurity and mistrust that I have failed to follow through on things I loved and was good at which made me depressed. Not one of the many therapists I paid thousands for ever helped me, understood the dynamics or even took me seriously. Finally, there are people like Dr. Ramani getting this information out there and support from other survivors sharing their stories.
I am the scapegoat of my family. My father was a narcissist. And I found out less than a month ago that mother is one as well, of the covert variation. I’m 34 years old. And, as I post this, I’m in the middle of a cross-country trek in order to break away and start a new life. Thanks to Dr. Ramani’s videos, I was able to identify all the abuse I’ve received my entire life. This channel has literally saved my life. For anyone out there experiencing narcissistic abuse, stay strong, stay positive, stop brushing things off, and remember that you are worth way more than what you’re receiving 🤍
I am teaching myself in my 60’s to take care of the scapegoated little girl inside of me who was shown no mercy. My mother, at 91, is still at it. Since I have grey rocked my family, my sister said to me, “Everything you are doing has changed your personality.” No, chick. I’m finally watching out for myself after my whole family joined in with my mother and abused me for years.
My experience, age, etc is the same as yours. Except that finally, at 94, my narc mother died. My first reaction: the wicked witch is dead! But it actually took a couple of years for me to stop feeling another attack from her was was hovering around the corner. Best Wishes and blessings to you!❤
I know what that's like. It's so hard when they label you the problem but they don't notice the triangulation and smear campaigns done against you. Smh. So glad you were able to be set free of that toxicity
When my N mother passed away, I asked my sister (the golden child), "If Mom treated you like she treated me, would you still miss her?" She said "no" and I said, "Good, because I don't."
I’m the scapegoat who literally moved to the other side of the planet. She’s totally right about the freedom of physical distance. I now live in a place where I’m valued by my husband, friends, and co-workers. I now feel capable, worthy and free (more often than not). 😉 Sending courage and love to my fellow scapegoats. ❤️
I was afraid to move away. I was sure, one day I would end under a bridge. If I hadn't had awesome friends who have done more for my mental health than I could ever pay back, I'd be dead yet. Friends are the greatest gifts of all!
My parents made me drink a prescribed sleeping pills and proceed (together with the psychiatrist) to convince and swear that it's not a sleeping pill and that I was hysterical. I was at the lowest point in my life, and yes I was deeply depressed, had eating disorder, bullied, and delusional due to intense depression. Afterwards, I almost got thrown into mental institution. I had to convince myself and secretly throw away the sleeping pills, and then I gradually became much better. TL/DR I pursued my education in Australia, met my partner there and now move to Canada 🇨🇦. It was a long journey, but I made it and now in a currently in a 5 year healthy relationship. To any of you out there, no you're not crazy. We just had more sense of justice and throw in the truth out there. Don't pursue revenge.. pursue your career and life, be strong and live beautifully.. that's the best revenge. Also don't bother to explain stuff to self-centred beings. A dog would understand you better.
I had a similar experience, not to long ago on x-mas. Not sure what happened and how it was injested. I became very tired and and dizzy. I had to soon lay down in the guest room. I felt drugged or something, and not sure what happened. Quite often I really have to be aware of what I am eating and drinking around the holidays. Try to avoid the Holidays but somehow get roped into some kind situation. whereas I am gaslighted and made to look like a fool. over and over again way into my adult life. when I mention the uneasyness that I feel, I get the typical " your being paranoid "
@@paulrush4545that's so unbelievably bad😮 well maybe if u buy something to test drinks for drugs then you'd have proof and whoever does that would be scared
I was the scapegoat for many, many years. When I became a preteen I started going straight into my bedroom and only coming out to eat and bathe. My mom didn’t like my personality, my looks, my school abilities etc. I finally found my worth when I got away from the negative words. I raised two children and helped cultivate their own talents and interests.
I stayed in my room all the time too. I felt it was my safe place and if I stayed put I wouldn't be blamed for things I didn't say or do. I think it worked most of the time, but once when I was 11 my dad came to my room and asked who left the bicycle pump outside and before I could even say I don't know he hauled off and hit me. My mom walked up behind him and told him she did and he acted like he was going to hit her.I never got an apology. Another time when I was a teenager my mom came to my room and wanted to know who messed up the throw rug in the hallway and I said I didn't know and she too hauled off and hit me. I have OCD and now I know why,but looking back on it now, I wonder why they were making such a big deal out of such trival things.Even if I'd of done those two things I should not of gotton in trouble for them. Those were just two incidences but there were more. When I was four my mom was in a wheel chair. She was sitting on the couch at the time and I asked her if I could ride the chair down the hall and she said yes and so I rode it down the hall and my dad came out of the bathroom and hit me across the face and bloodied my nose.My mom told him she told me I could ride in it,but he never apologized. I also remember being accused of something I was suppose to of done but don't remember what it was, and I was like 4 then. I went to my room and told my stuffed animals all about it here they could hear.Then my dad took all my stuffed animals away and took them outside to the burnbarrel and burned them up in front of me. Looking back on that I now know that was his way to try to condition and program me to keep my mouth shut about what goes on behind closed doors. These are just a few of the things that happened to me growing up, but there was much much more and much worse. I'm really getting angry as I tell this. I've been no contact for 10 years with both parents. I'm 57 years old and the abuse continued while I was an adult. I finally grew up when I no longer felt the need to prove I was telling the truth about things I was accused of saying and doing,or to prove myself in general to them,or to defend myself in any other way. The last years I did talk to them they were always accusing me of being out to get them when they would of never thought I was out to get them had they not abused me my whole life so that's their problem they think what they do,not mine. I'm 57 and they are in their seventies if they are even still alive.
@@debbieraymer7925 I have many stories like this. We were so broken. The best we could do was get away from this and raise our kids and do better by them!
@Aimee Thank you. Yes I'm much happier. Extremely happy actually because my husband and I have had a really bad case of covid and a couple of times we weren't so sure we was going to make it, but just kept praying and believing we were going to make it and we feel so much better now. I was like I can't die cause I've spent my whole life being abused and being depressed and I have missed out on so much good stuff and have so much unfinished business to take care of. So I am extremely happy and grateful that we made it and have so many good things to look forward too. It just feels like a miracle that we made it, cause we were pretty bad sick.
I realized early , thank goodness i came out of it after someone introduce me to chanting ' Nam Myoho Renge Kyo' The people who blame others dont want to take their own responsibility. thats not our problem , thats their problem.
I was just a small child when I realised there was nothing about my parents that I admired or respected. That is why I was scapegoated, particularly by my mother. I chose very early on not to be like them or accept their view of me, and that is what saved me.
I never fit in, and always thought how uptight my parents were. They were so obsessed with perfection, with skinniness. Even when I was little, I was a little truth teller that didn't admire or understand their values. I thought, I can do better.
That was me also, very early on. I knew shit just wasn't right. I always made a lot of friends outside the family which only highlighted just how wrong they were.
I was pretty set in my ways of not following my family members. And got scapegoated most of my life, up until 2-3 years ago, did I finally escape most of the narcissistic people. l remember when I was a teen, my family had this “talk” about money and I pointed out the fact that my narcissistic father foolishly spends money, and everyone had pointed out that I said that because I “despised” him. And that I’m a “rebel”. (Another scapegoat event). All I did was SAY the truth. I can’t lie when i see abuse. Hahaha! Oh how only the truth unfolds SO many years later. All I did was blankly stare at them when their lights turned on. One of my sisters pointed out the fact that we ALL have issues with him because he was not the most caring. It’s unfortunate that someone else had to point that out to them. But in any case, they’ve stopped scapegoating me from “afar”. And I’ve allowed permission for me, to finally be free from them without having to feel guilt-tripped/obligated to them because they’re “your family” and you have to deal with everyone’s sh*t. THAT’S BULL. Every person needs to take responsibility for their own needs and wants. Light and love folks!
I am 55 years old and have recently rid myself of every toxic person in my life starting with my family. I have been the scapegoat since I was a child. Now I am free and happy but admit not many people are left in my life which is scary at times and making new friends has been so difficult I'm not even trying anymore. What I am doing is ME and it feels great!!!
I will be 50 at the end of this year (2020) and I too have had to let go of all members of my family of origin. I've spent my life finding and maintaining just a few good "extended family" friends, who really have been more like a family to me than actual relatives in my childhood. We all have our own separate lives, some of us are even married, but we seem to have the time for each other when needed. All my life I've only had a few good friends at one time, it's all I can handle. But I said all that to say this. Having friends who are also family, or like family, is an awesome gift. The older we get, the more that we realize in the end all we have is each other. Social groups. Hobby clubs. Churches (if you are so inclined). Work. Votech courses. Dance halls. Any reason to spend small amounts of scheduled time with others at first can later help to develop into friendships outside of the groups. Different friends for different reasons. Some personal, some social, some for other reasons. Some can't deal with difficult issues, others are willing to try. At our age we don't need to rely so much on superficial impressions, we have half a century of life experience behind us! (Don't tell anybody, but I still think like I'm 25 sometimes! Hee-hee!) Sometimes friends choose us. Sometimes friends need little maintenance, other times more attention is needed. I know it's difficult to make friends. It can be a slow process. But I believe in you. I bet you are a natural born charmer. Now you must believe in yourself, and give the whole world a chance. Sometimes it's just a matter of making up your mind and taking the first step. It's going to happen for you. I just know it. And in the meantime, be kind to yourself.
@@danielkaiser8971 Wow! I just read this and I am stunned. You said exactly the right thing at the right time. I really needed that. I'm in tears.... Thank you so much!! I am so grateful. You are a truly good person and your friends are blessed❤️
@@danielkaiser8971 Btw...if you want a new friend online you got one, lol I also know what you mean about having a few friends because that is all that you can handle. I can only handle a few as well. I just recently learned that everyone we encounter is not necessarily a potential friend. They are someone to share experiences with, to teach, to learn from and sometimes all three. Some of these people stick around for a long time and others move on so now I cherish what I get, learn from it and try to be the best me I can be and it's already paying off. ❤️💯
I was 11 yrs old and called for help when our violent alcoholic father was fighting in the basement with another drunk. Mother was at a sport tournament with my 15 yr old and 13 yr old brothers. She asked me to take care of my two little sisters ( 9 yrs and 8 yrs at that time). The call was made at 3 am...three little girls...terrified. Help did come, Mom came home early, and she told my siblings " Your Dad is in jail for endangering his children, and it's because I broke our family code of silence...I called for help. Police came, and that's why he is in jail!" Today my siblings still blame me. They exclude me from family gatherings...and we are in our 60's. Dad and Mom have passed away. Still treated badly today. I have removed myself from this highly toxic family and I am fairing better now. Scapegoated, but now I understand that I am the strongest person in this family!
I am so sorry that happened to you. It's awful when you're a child and yet the only sanity or voice of reason comes from you and God forbid you speak your truth and state the obvious; they'll turn on you like a pack of hungry rabid hyenas! You are not alone.
I am learning now, that you must let go of the entire toxic entity. If that includes the syblings, then go no contact with them as well.. They will not change. Mine didn't. It is a role they chose. My syblings chose to be like the abusers,terribly so.I learned, if I want to be happy I must cut loose the family system that constantly causes me harm. That includes my syblings. Freedom is happy and whole.
The best part about being the scapegoat is the moment you realize that you are not to blame for your family’s dysfunction after all. After years of being the emotional dumping ground, you gain the courage to quietly walk away
Agreed. I have some friends in this situation. Walk quietly away. Any commotion from the scapegoat will make the toxic family say. "There's always one." "It's his or her fault that there is always arguing and problems." LoL. After one stops needing the relationship or validation anymore. The acceptance phase of grief comes easier. I always say go quietly with a caveat. If the scapegoat can write a tell all book and get money from it. Do it.
Yes. And walk away, most definitely walk. Make your life, it will be hard and there will be times you’ll find yourself in bed in a ball of despair, but don’t ever give up, ever. One thing about scapegoats is that they are survivors whether they realize it or not. They’re survived the abuse and had the guts to leave, or had dreams of leaving because they instinctively knew things weren’t right. One of the keys to my emotional release, and it can be yours, was the understanding that it isn’t personal, even though it does feel very personal and the pain cuts deep. This truly was a turning point “it wasn’t about me” but was about something going on inside that person, as they were beating me, smothering me, destroying my things, etc., etc., etc....whatever the abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, it wasn’t personal to me (even though it was happening to my body), but driven by something going on inside the perpetrator’s head - their twisted psyche. I just happened to be there because I was trapped by marriage, just walking by, being a child in their household....I was trapped and an easy target to their rage/wants. It’s as simple as that. Understanding this made it so much easier for me to step from victim “why?” mode and into a different place of understanding. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, but once I did, it was freeing, the weight was lifted. Do I forgive them their actions? No. They don’t feel any remorse, why should I let them off the hook when what they did to me was criminal. What I am doing is giving myself freedom to leave the darkness they saddled me with, I’ve lived with it for decades, in some cases well over half a century, that’s long enough to live in their evil. I wanted out so I gave myself the gift of it.
Amen. I'm going quietly, I won't give them the satisfaction and I won't give them anything to use against me, when they try and tell the rest of the world, "see, look how awful and irresponsible she is...". They will have nothing, except the sound of silence.
It took me a long time to realize that I was the black sheep / scapegoat of the family. I remember an incident at someone's birthday party, where the entire FOO (Family of Origin) was there. My mother, the narcissist, had a habit of asking a question then literally 1 second later, commenting "Well, fine; don't tell me, then," as though the person refused to answer her. So I was there, and my mother pulled that stunt on me for the umpteenth time, so out of frustration, I said, "If you would shut up and let me answer, I could tell you." THAT started an entire family pile-on, with Golden Child brother and enmeshed sister telling me how disrespectful I was to my mother and that I should apologize (and of course she went to another room to 'go cry'), and basically what a horrible, rotten human being I was. My elder brother, who I think had some of the same clarity I had, stayed out of it. At this point, I was in my mid-to-late-30s, and my awakening had begun. So I went to "apologize" to my mother, alone in some bedroom, by telling her that she may have everyone else fooled, but that I see right through her. I think I must have shocked her, because she didn't respond. The best book I ever read was "Will I ever be good enough?" about daughters of narcissistic mothers. It gave me the final pieces of the puzzle of my life, wondering why I couldn't be happy, why it was impossible to find platonic and romantic relationships that were not abusive, and provided me with Step One of my healing journey. It's lifelong, I still have setbacks, and it is still a kneejerk reaction to tell myself that I have no worth...but I wouldn't want to go back to not knowing, and just wandering through a dark and scary wilderness in my mind. I can't say I'm always in a proverbial open meadow now, but the one thing I was able to do, was Stop the Cycle of Abuse with my own children. That is my victory.
This is happening to me with my narcissistic/sadistic sister. I’m 36 and pregnant and she physically attacked me inside the car and my other sister is taking her side bc I was raising my voice. Unreal! I totally feel your exact story is my story. My sister bullied me my whole life and bc she’s 5 years younger she was always defended and I was shamed bc “I should know better”. She’s no longer a child but still thinks it’s ok to out her hands on people indiscriminately.
Your elder brother had a Golden opportunity to rise to the occasion and say something. I called out my middle brother on that once: he alone was in a great position to say something, and didn't. People who BAIL or don't get involved are no longer part of my life.
So true... I wasn't supported as a worthy individual. I was EXPECTED to be XYZ... I wasn't allowed to dream about the future that I wanted for myself... Like happy kids are. To express myself. I was corrected all the time. Wasn't allowed to be angry, that was very scary. I would be told then, no one will want to live with me and that I am a witch. I felt like my mother's servant. Listening to what she has to say or rant about. And reminded constantly how I am doing XYZ wrong, how if only I were better, healthier, wanted less, she wouldn't have so angry with me all the time... Even though she barely spent quality time with me. I was usually left alone at home with grandmother or other kids to play with. I was too much for her, even though I was the meekest child & a teen... It's sad to think about how I was so unhappy 90% of the time. And it wrecked my health physically... This is the worst of all. Because I have lost my independence. Now I NEED to stay with my mother again. What I had tried to escape, still caught up to me... I hope the Universe 🌌 sends me a solution 🙏🏼🌠
The scapegoat, being the blame for everything by everyone. So much worse when you get blamed when the actual guilty party carries out the action infront of others but you still get blamed. Why is it neverending?
Because - Every one has been scapegoated at some time in their life. Everyone has used another as a scapegoat at sometime in their life. I could give countless examples in my own relationships, personal and professional that could classify as this. It's a circle - just like everything in this life is.
No it's not a circle...if you have been scapegoated you know the pain and deviation it causes and if you are strong and conscious enough you can and must be determined not to do that to another human being
Right. I think the others (the enablers) want it to be you because they don't want it to be them. My mother took out a lot of her rage about her husband on me, he would privately (never in front of her because he didn't want her to think he knew she was acting crazy) tell me to just accept it because "she's stressed" but really he didn't want it directed at him. Coward.
I know, right. The other day my aunt called to tell me my cousin is angry at me for something that happened 18 years ago. I, too, have limited contact with my family.
Bunch of low lives creating drama prefering to hurt those who love them so they can keep orchestrating the scenes. I'm the golden child gone copper onto being the scapegoat, if I don't visit covert I know none of the trio kids won't, oh well, I'll take this outdoor view as opposed to the one covert mom is having in detox on the 9th floor, blessings on, guilt belongs to them, I'm done, thank you Dr. Ramani!
Scapegoat here- unfortunately it continued into adulthood and my other relationships. But once you take a step back, see it for what it is , and take your POWER back, you are met with a whole new world. Stay strong everyone!💕✨
My daughter and I just finished WandaVision. It's a fascinating show, if you are familiar with the Marvel universe (and yes, she had to explain a lot of things to me). But at the end, I realized that the message I took from it was that I had let others take my power from me, and I had the ability to take it back. So, I have.
I’m currently dealing with this now, my narcissistic golden child sis, discarded me after I caused narc injury with TRUTH. Dad mom and sis are hoovering hard right now thinking I’ll come back. Little do they know I walked away for good this time and I couldn’t be happier for making such a decision. Time to move on and thrive! Scapegoats unite! THEY FEAR US!! To anyone else dealing with this, my heart goes out to you, you are not alone. Recognize your power and take it back!
I have always been the scapegoat in my family. A few years ago when I threw my narcissistic cheating husband out of the house after catching him cheating on me for the umpteenth time and my mother promptly turned around and moved him into her house until she bought the house right next door to hers for HIM!!! They then proceeded to promote their smear campaign against me and turned the rest of my family against me... At this point I wouldn't be surprised if she took me out of her will and put my exhusbands name in instead just as a f-you from the grave when she dies!! My mother told me decades ago that when I was born I ruined her life.... She has always hated me because I stand for the TRUTH. That's why my exhusband hates me too.... It all came together for me years ago when I realized first that my ex is a narcissist then second it sunk in that my mother is a narcissist too!! I always knew while growing up that I never wanted to end up with someone like my mother.... Yet somehow that is exactly what I did!! That pretty much means that my life.... These first 51 years of it has been total s&€@! Scapegoated and gaslighted every step of the way. What do I do now?
@@julierichmond4975 You walk away, no notice and you never look back. And you will be disinherited so don’t for a second stay holding out for something that you will never receive.
Been there. It’s a horrific place to be trapped in, to live as the default punching bag not only for the immediate family, but the extended one too. This family condoned abuse is so devastatingly harmful. When I finally went No Contact with my immediate family, the rest started showing uncharacteristic interest in my life, only to collect data to pass on to them. Thankfully, I realised what was going on and blocked all of them as well.
I had to do pretty much the same. My mother’s sister is more of a pervert one. She got to the point that after doing her smearing campaign against me (I denounced the fact that my mother was heavily drinking and she needed a psy), she contacted people who were completely estranged in order to phone me up and ask questions. When I realised she was behind I had to block these people as well. Narcs influence so many people that you are left with the doubt that it’s you to be the problem. When I was just trying to say that my mother is a alcool addicted (it’s ALL my life I try to ask for help), but they had to keep the image of “perfection”, the false self, the projections of what they want to convince other people they are. When they feel that that image is threatened they start a war against the person who threatened it through smearing campaign. They said that my husband cheats on me to every single person they know. They said that I am insane. That I am depressed. Etc etc. In the meantime my mother keeps on getting drunk almost everyday and my sisters and my father watche it happen and stay silent. They agree with me that there’s the problem but they enable it with their silence. It’s frustrating but I used to have only hatred once, now I feel pity for them. And still... a bit of hatred.. I can’t help it
@@avalancherose My half sisters were damaged as children. I learned about it while I was still quite young and I've been tolerant of their foibles as a consequence. I cut them out of my life, after my dad died, but that didn't stop their twisted resentment of me. They have done exactly what you are talking about. They are now insinuating themselves on my dad's side of the family. They were nasty about my dad's family until it was useful to them to suddenly proclaim how nice my dad's family is. They never had a nice thing to say about them and they took particular interest in having me witness their cruel jokes. So I have now lost everybody. All my roots are sliced off. The half sisters have infiltrated every area I could maintain some connection with any of my family. And then they try to track me down anywhere I have a social media presence. They always wanted to see the worst in people. It was always 'us and them'. You couldn't disagree with their vicious opinions without consequences. I hate them, now. And I'm glad I hate them even if it means I have to keep running all my life. Even if it means I can only allow myself to be unguarded with a very small number of people.
I was scapegoated by a cop dad who molested me as a child, a mother who covered it up, a grandmother who said it was all my fault, and an extended family that said they think I finally told people at 42 years old just so I could get attention. This video definitely resonates with me and makes me feel good, along with my therapist, about the boundaries I'm setting that are scary to me.
God Bless you . I wasn't believed either and those who did believe acted as though I deserved it . I BELIEVE YOU . I HEAR YOU . I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOU ! ❤
That's horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't get why people think others are only looking for attention when they find the courage to speak out against what has happened to them.
Until I was 20 years old, I was convinced that I was responsible for all the suffering of my narcissistic mother. it still takes so much courage for me to publicly share a comment. But I'm on my way to get my voice back. thank you dr. Ramani❤️
I really wanted to post a comment but I always get a feeling of embarrassment. After reading your comment, I felt comfortable to reply to yours. I hope you are well and I hope your courage grows in your journey. In a way, we are in this journey together.
ur lucky u were 20 i was 27 when i walked away from my brother and 29 when i walked away from me mum she is such a vile person i dont love her if she died tomro i would be quite sad but thats because my dream is for my sister who is becoming her scapegoat now i am gone to walk and my brother to be so fucked from drugs he is unable to look after her that she ends up alone in a care home her worst nightmare i wish her to go in in her 70s (young face but brittle body for her age ) and stay there way in to her 90s or beoned
NEVER BE EMBARRASSED OF HOW YOU FEEL!! Be brave and ask God for Jesus help. Pray, read your Bible.. Jesus will give you strength like you have never had before !!! That’s how you fight them !! By making yourself STRONG. Jesus is the reason for my STRENGTH!! And they FLEE FROM ME !! Yes ♥️
I understand that. Anytime I hear about something bad happening, my first response is "why did I do that!?". Holocaust, poisoned flavoraid, dog abuse, missing children, bombings in Iran, feels like all these and more are my fault. Every police siren feels like all the sins of humanity are catching up with me, and I'll finally be taken away for it. It's rough. But you've got this! None of it is your fault!
Scapegoating never Ever stops! I had to go no contact with my entire family. It took years for me to realise my sister had become my mother and my brother my father. Truly an ugly reality. Both parents narcs and both died, yet my syblings took on their roles. No contact is the only way to peace and happiness. I moved 3800 miles away from these people. Thank God for caller ID.
I am my family's scapegoat. I'm 56 years old and I finally walked away from all of them. I changed my phone number as well, blocked them all on Facebook. I actually felt a big relief off my shoulders. Eventually I will feel much better, it's a slow process. Grieving, being angry, and finally relief. I feel happier now , knowing they can never hurt me, belittle me or use me as an excuse for all their issues. These videos also helped me tremendously because I know I'm not alone. Thank you 🙏
Good for you Paige!! It's easier said than done. We are close in age, you and I, and I feel stuck because my children have relationships with the N parent and the enabler parent. I also worry about the enabler parent because the N subtly abuses them ( knowingly feeding them food that's bad for them, verbal abuse, constant irritation) Anyway - the point is - you DID IT!!! Congrats. There really is grief in there with the relief....take care!
I'm so happy for you. I almost made it out. Got out for a year but financial reasons, put me right back into the brutal environment. I know that if I get out again, I will NEVER look back. I didn't miss the family one bit when i went no contact last year. I'm being emotionally pummeled for that one now. It's a nightmare. I hope i can get to the point where you are. thank you for sharing your experience.
This seriously pushes one to think about suicide, often. It seems like you are all alone and you are so hopeless that death seems like the only option.
My narc father had me suicidal by the age of 4. At the time I didn’t understand that I was suicidal so young. I used to bang my head against walls and floors because I was told if you hit your head hard enough you’d die. So that’s what I was trying to do. In third grade I climbed out the window and tried to jump off the roof. My father just laughed at me. Narcissists shouldnt be allowed to breed and if they do they should NEVER be allowed to see their children. They’ll only damage them.
@@hailey8941 My narc mother was also schizophrenic. Besides the emotional abuse she was also physically abusive as well. I was fortunate to have an amazing Dad but at first he didn't know what she was doing when he was gone at work. She would goad me into fighting with her and push every button and provoke me until I exploded. Then she felt justified to hit me with something or slap me or grab me by the hair. I'd end up in utter emotional turmoil, crying and screaming at her, I'd fight back verbally. Then she had me, because "good children don't talk to their mother that way" and she'd threaten to tell my Dad... I believed I was bad and so I thought I'd be telling on myself if I told my Dad what was going on, and then I worried he might stop loving me... It wasn't until I was about 9 that I started realizing that mothers weren't supposed to treat their kids that way and then Dad was starting to figure things out and asking me questions. He started noticing signs and by now he knew she had schizophrenia and he put two and two together and began asking me questions when I was about 8 or 9.... He tried to protect me as best he could, he let me know that what she was doing was wrong and that I didn't deserve it... he tried to coach me to walk away when she tried to pick fights (and them tell him when he got home) but it was so hard to do, she was a master at pushing buttons. I had to stand up for myself. I think that's why she chose me as the scapegoat. But I first thought about suicide at an early age too, I know it was before I could read or write because I had no way of telling Dad that it wasn't his fault and that he was a good Dad. I had been taught the dangers of plastic bags and how you could suffocate and my mother had some of her dry cleaning hanging in the back of my closet in my bedroom... so one day I decided I'd sit in the back of the closet in front of the dry cleaning plastic. My plan was to fall asleep and fall face forward into the plastic and suffocate. I was having a hard time falling asleep and instead thought about how my Dad would feel if I succeeded. I knew it would hurt him a lot and I didn't want him to think it was his fault so I decided not to do it... There were a couple other times I thought about when I was a little older but my Dad died when I was 15 from a fall from a ladder and came very close to taking my life with pills a year or so after that. At that time, my Catholic upbringing taught that if you took your own life you went to hell. I wanted to see my Dad again so that's the only thing that stopped me.
I have been the scapegoat in my family dynamic. I couldn’t understand growing up why I was always ‘different’ then the rest of my family. I was always teased and wasn’t allowed to voice my opinion or show emotion after being yelled at. I left my family about 10 years ago and moved across the country and minimised contact with them but even now every time I see them (which is maybe once a year), I still ‘cause’ some type of family meltdown trauma and they are all left blaming me for something stupid and petty. Thank god I found my husband who is my number one support, his family has given me the family dynamic i never had. I do struggle with anxiety especially in stressful situations/ conversations but I am seeking help and therapy. I am not my parents. Your channel has really helped me remove myself from my parents BS. Thank you
I can say, I was a golden child turned into a scapegoat right from beginning of the teen years (in my late 20s now).🤦 Scapegoats become self-sufficient to a fault. 🤹 I learnt it the hard way after having been in back-to-back invalidating relationships. 😠 Finding love had become a herculean task. 😩 Learnt the hard lesson after dating a covert narcissist. 🙍Thank goodness it happened. 💁Wouldn't have seen myself more clearly, else. 🔎 I feel that scapegoats only lack one thing and that is "approval". 💯 The moment they get that from their inner selves, the need for getting it from the outside starts to diminish. 👸 The day we enter any mental-health empowering programs, that's the 1st step in the whole success-scenario. 🤗 The time narcissist means or says, "we are not enough" is true, since we are not enough for them, nor can be anybody not providing the narcissistic supply to these blood-sucking mosquitoes. 😂 We are enough, have always been so, and are meant to achieve whatever we deserve (all the health, wealth and wisdom in the universe). 💪🏽 💜
Good for you to climb out, Lucy!! I was also in your position and just at age 50 have I realized how I’ve unconsciously perpetuated the role of scapegoat that my mother foisted upon me all my life. The sensitive, perceptive “black sheep” who doesn’t subscribe to the narcissist’s self-perceptions is always the one who sees the horrible dynamic and then gets emotionally abused because of it in terms of verbal abuse, turning everyone against you, gaslighting, and blame-shifting. Like you, I’m thankful to have a husband who sees the horrible and abusive dynamic for what it is and stands with me. For my adult sons, it is more complicated because they experienced my parents as wonderful grandparents so I tell them I want them to have whatever relationship with my parents that they want, but it’s super difficult because my parents speak poison into my sons’ minds which grieves me 😭😭.
Sweetheart if you are reading this you are worthy, allow your life to be a Cinderella story. There are so many people out there that want to treat you fairly, love and support you ♥️
Thanks for posting this Dr. Ramani, your videos are always so helpful. I was scapegoated for 59 years. I always knew I was the black sheep of the family and used to laugh about a lot of the hurtful things they did, which I now see was a coping mechanism. Then last year I was diagnosed with cancer and every single member of my family turned their back on me. I was blamed for causing trouble as usual. My golden child sister was extra nasty for 8 months and even my siblings partners joined in the fun! My lovely lovely mother, who had ignored sexual abuse and violence from my elder brother, supported my younger brothers narc wife when she stopped me seeing my nieces and nephews ever again, and informed me I was a bad daughter. WTF? Slowly, peeling back the years of abuse I discovered I had been raised in a vipers nest. I went spinning helplessly to a deep dark place for around 15 months and eventually got help through counselling. Gradually I uncovered the ugly truth about narcs, and the scapegoated child, then went into complete shock. Eventually though I began to realise the many many advantages of not having anything to do with narcs pathetic poison any more. Fortunately, I escaped a lot of the issues connected with scapegoated children, not sure how, listening to my feelings closely I think, although I have noticed some sticky traits that still act as severe triggers, but they too will go eventually if I keep working at it.. I am definitely the one in control now, and have clambered out of the hell of Pandoras box to go elsewhere and let them just get on with it. I have no interest. I have rejected my family - they are not good enough - 20 days no contact now and counting woooo hooooo! I feel stronger every day, although I am sure there is a smear campaign and that they are convinced THEY are grey rocking ME! Hilarious, but who cares?. I am now so free and can at last shuffle off the 'me' they said I was. It's a great feeling. It's been a tortuous journey but I too am glad I unveiled the truth. It felt like I had died at one point but actually I was reborn, this time with my partner and people that love me surrounding me. At last I have people in my life worth giving my energy to. If your'e in the early stages, acknowledge the hurt, get rid of the flashbacks and head towards the light, it will be worth it.
I'm so sorry 😔. I'm praying for you. Those that abused you, the ones that said that they "loved" you will have to face God one day. Many blessings to you 😊👍 ❣️ You got this!!!!
Speaking as the scapegoat in my family. Living this way is like being in a nightmare you can not wake up from. Being verbally attacked "relentlessly "from everyone in my family is miserable.
I’m sorry to hear that. Being blamed by everyone is awful and totally not something anyone deserves. I hope you can find peace and healthy boundaries with them. I myself was and am in a weird dynamic with my family. My father was a type-A personality who worked hard and provided but was verbally abusive and condescending. My mother is a narcissist with victim mentality believing she always needs to be first and my eldest sister who raised me holds the good things she did over my head like I owe her for helping raise me when I was a kid. In other words, I can relate.
I love that I finally have a term/name for what they did - "family mobbing". I feel so vindicated! They gather every flying monkey and send them after you in one giant wave. I used to get do frustrated I'd cry, which they then used against me. It took the Lord years to heal me enough that I would allow myself to cry when needed. They're so evil!
I am in my seventies, and only within the last few years have i been able to look back on what happened in my childhood with a sense of forgiveness, or at least understanding. It took many years to realize that been abused. It was not until I saw one of my parents scapegoating my son that I fully understood that what had happened to me had truly been abuse. Needless to say, I pulled my son out of that situation as quickly as I possibly could.
@@swank8183 She said she pulled her child away from that situation as soon as she recognized the bad behavior, if you read until the end of her comment. Try not to be so judgmental. People come here to feel safe and many are just learning about this kind of abuse.
I grew up having constantly to defend myself for things I did not do from a broken glass to waking up my parents. Whenever I would protest, the reply was "you are defending yourself too much for someone who is innocent". When I would calmly say "I did not do it", the reply was "you are way too relaxed for someone who is innocent". There was no way I could convince anyone I was not the culprit. In the mean time, my siblings went on with their mischief b/c they knew they would not bear any consequence. Now, the entire family wonders why I do not call or visit.....
I am 43 years old and still being scapegoated . Strongly considering going no contact. I’ve tried setting boundaries, telling them how their behavior may be hurtful etc. I only ended up getting a silent treatment. Every single time.
Yes, going no contact will be the best step you can take for your own well-being. They will try to reel you back in with whatever manipulation they think will work, but remain strong and DON’T give in!!
So true! And once you try to call out how unfair they are being....silent treatment. It's silence with a view of punishing you for not conforming to their narrative.
43 as well. Had moved away around 20 but kept visiting as there were little siblings in the house. 20 years later the little ones have become as toxic as the older ones and have all turned into a vicious gang, insults, emotional and mental abuse and even threats of violence. I did my duty as my heart commanded and cared for them when they were innocent. Not any more though. I fled the country since a few months. I think I would've died if not, the stress and pain became excruciating, it is inhumane to submit anyone to this, even a complete stranger, much less a member of family.
Omg… this resonates with me. Never understood why I grew up feeling like I was resented, misunderstood, criticized and made to feel small and a burden.. time for self compassion and empathy
Someone once told me that I was the most misunderstood people they knew. I don't know how to take that I don't know the difference between sarcasm and real. And when I am sarcastic people think I'm mean.
I was 10 when i was in court due to my Mother physically abusing me as a child. And all my older siblings said its Nathan who is the problem in the house.... I realize now that they are so evil 👿. How can a 10 year old ruin a family household????
Gosh that just triggered me, what you said. When I told the police of the abuse that was going on, they took statements from my family and they told me my brother (Golden Child) said I was the trouble maker in the family too. So that anything I told the police was seen as not credible. I was perceived as the problem. The officer handling my case frustrated me alot more. She stated what was said and then proceeded to tell me my family was helping me and I should return home. She told me in a sarcastic tone that she believed they wouldn't hurt me. Even though they kicked me out to gain control then wanted me back but I refused to go back due to the abuse I endured... I felt so helpless, lost and also betrayed by the system.
@@ha8236 I am so saddened by your words and experience. I'm sorry. I understand, to a lower degree, what you went through and I hope you are ok now. All the best to you.
I am sorry. I understand. I had 2 black eyes and bruises, a busted toe, when I reported being beaten up by my enabler parent at the instigation of my N parent to a high school counselor, I was told "that's just how Filipino families are"....I looked at her with in comprehension. "My father is Irish," I said. She said, "Still." She told me I shouldn't hurt my family over a single incident. She didn't know whether it was one or not. She was an older woman of color counselor - I was shocked at her willingness to let it go. I didn't know what to do. This was in the 1980s. I'm not going to lie - when I heard she passed away, I said "good riddance". Who else did she fail to protect???
@@jspaingreene6350 thank you for your kind words, I am sorry to hear what happened to you too. It horrid when people enable behaviour that is abusive. It really does make you feel as if you are the issue and the world is against you.
This was so good to watch. We had lots of children and I was the oldest. I was my dad’s punching bag because I stood up to him but when I left home at 16 and moved across the country to get away, my siblings were stuck in the family system and I lost touch with everyone. I had no skills in the world and few in life but being away gave me a chance to think for myself. It is many years later and I only learned about narcissism when I moved in with one in my 50s, but I am so grateful to finally understand my crazy/sad/beautiful family. I loved them all so much but had to get away to save myself. I am really the only healing person in my family, too, so I watch them with love and distance because they see me as a trouble maker and full of psychobabble. My narc dad is now on a pedestal. It’s all been painted pretty.
Don't sell yourself short Pretty picture don't guarantee pretty or at least proper content And, maybe, you find yourself a hobby, maybe hobby that demand creativity, or something else to enlighten your days and make your days happier Good luck.! Someone 63 years old ❤️😎💖
How happy I am to wake up and see Dr.Ramani is already taking care of me. . This channel and viewers are an incredible source of comfort. Thank you everybody
Psalm 28:1 "To you I keep calling, O Jehovah my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me, If you keep silent toward me, I will become like those going down to the pit."
I was a golden child and scapegoated, parentified, emotional incest. Eating disorder. A big family. I got out. I am alone, figuring it out. The family has made up a false image of me; that reinforces the false image of them. I can hear the voices, "you're so sensitive" "she's the emotional one". Humiliating. I take responsibility for myself by walking away quietly, alone.
Oh my yes and without meeting you i know how strong you are..i had a large family too who did the same shit and played the same card of so senstive (9 of us kids😳)...i just turned 40 and took me the last 20 years of toxic marriage, and friendships to finally walk away from all of it.
@@plutooliver686 My story is so similar. Large family, toxic marriage and 'friends' therapy etc. I have so much trouble letting anybody in now though, I just can't seem to do it.
Beautiful Souls; so much compassion here. And, I feel more connected to this community, and Dr. Ramani than most anyone. Keep going, Shine, with Love;-)
Wow thanks everyone for sharing. I'm the scapegoat, too. I'm 37 now and it's been a hell of a journey but with support I am finding my feet again after a lifetime of grief.
I was scapegoated by my mother all my life. I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t social enough, if she was having a bad day, she would come home and be nasty and insult me and blame me for her life. She never talked to me about any problems I was facing in my life. Anytime I tried to talk to her it was dismissed and the focus went back on herself. She loves seeing me in misery, and since becoming a mother she puts me down about not being a good mother not being as good as her. The most hurtful thing is how she turned my entire family against me, everyone loves her but no one knows the real her. My dad is no better, because he has to live with her he has to back her up and be cruel to me to make her happy. If I ring my dad on the phone, she will pick it up and say what do you want. All I ever wanted was a mother
@@jackiedgk i think she do it not inpurpose she love you but dont know how to love right because she didnt love her self well..and please no she dont like to see you in misery..she want the best for you thats why she kept critism..pretty much same like my mother..i know its hard..believe me they didnt do not in purpose..its because theirr low self esteem ..but your not alone..i am here because tired of my mother always have something to say bad about my apparance, they way i dress ..its not easy being phisically cristism all the time..its not easy to see our self positive after several time in this situation..before she also insult my personalty and often blame me and always compare me to my other siblinngs in front of them...but now it more about phisical also with comparasion to my siblings or cousins..last night she also insult my personalies and if i ask detail she confuse..ive read many quotes thats happy ppl wont make other hurt..thats also apply to out mother..their not happy with them self..before she pointing us..she sees that in her self and critics her self as well to much.... i also has kids..but last thing i want to do is critical about their look..i accept them they way the are...cherish them, love them..only sometime about the way they dress if it not inpropriate they 14 and 11 . Btw i am here because i still dont get why ...why just me not other kids she have..why she want other kids have big confident when it comparing by me.and want them to feel like they better than me. I do gym 14 y everyone say i look much younger than my age..many love the way i dreess.many ppl said i am kind person.. But she always say opposite..also compare with my siblings which are not gym . If i am not gym 7 days..she have other things to say..about my look.always everytime met. Help me dr ramani..what should i think to not care about she said.
I once commented to my mother that she spanked us often when we were children. Her reply was, "Well you must have done something to deserve it!" I have very limited contact with her. As scapegoats, we need to know we are better and deserve better! I can not stress enough how amazing everyone has the ability to become, despite our treatment by toxic people! 💙
I have several memories of my parents getting a weird look in their eye when they knew it was time to whip me. Almost like it was a turn on. They hugged me after and said it was love. Guess how this followed me and manifested in my adult life.
@@aliceinbrill it's really creepy honestly. My mother would lock the doors before my 4-5 yo sis and enjoy how desperately she cried, or do similar shit with spanking. Ik convinced such parents have a legitimate disorder
I was a scapegoat, key word “was.” I went no contact to protect my wife, kids, and myself. Best thing I ever did. These family members do have short memories. My sister was the golden child and has become a malignant narcissist. She still does things to this day for attention and they are all negative. This has opened a lot of dialogue with my wife. I have two great kids and I work in a recovery program. Living in the light. Life with joy is possible without these people. They came to me demanding access to my kids, who both told them to “get bent.”
I was badly scapegoated by my narcissistic parents and later on my sister. Everyone around them thought I was a truly messed up person who caused my family lots of unhappiness. Luckily I escaped and have no more contact with anyone associated with my early years. It does feel very lonely sometimes. But I am happy and I have a wonderful career. Thank you for validating my experiences. My parents let everyone believe I was a liar, I even believed it myself.
Stay strong. It's hard and guilt will try to get on you, don't let it. I had nanaged to stay away from my mother for 20 years, just dealt with that guilty, do to health issues I went back to help her, FORGET that, it was almost like she needed to catch up. I've come home 1186 miles from her. The relief is amazing....
There is a lot of guilt (for drastically changing the relationship) and shame (for allowing it to go on so long) when setting firm boundaries. It took a year and reading How to Hug a Porcupine' before starting to heal and forgive myself. You aren't alone in this journey and the freedom you will find will be so valuable you will only feel sorry for those still in the cycle
Family mobbing. . Wow!! There's a name for it 🤯 I love this woman! She's helping me so much!! One of the problems with therapy, I find, is in hyper aware of my therapists wants/needs so I will accommodate them to my detriment and then not trust them because they "needed" from me and, therefore, I can not trust them because if they are in a position of power over me (knowing my secrets) and need from me then they WILL abuse me. I've tried over the last few decades to move past this but I've never been able to. The differed here is I'm SEEN without the risk of being seen and I can replay the words as much as I need to so I can really hear. I'm so grateful for this content ❤🙏💝
My friend jokes with me that it only took me 60 years to recognize my 80 year old Mother as a narc. It is never too late to walk away from abuse and a trauma bond!! Thank you Dr Ramani for your clarification and validation. For me, the isolation in exploring this journey is one of the most challenging aspects.
"you're a scapegoat and you're still standing" Dude, Ima use that. After all the bs i got from my parents and siblings and even threats to my life from some of them on occasion, I can proudly say, I'm still standing despite all the attempts otherwise.
"Someone saved my life tonight" by Elton John "I'm still standing" by either Genesis or Phil Collins "The Key" by REO Speedwagon "I'm Alive" by SIA Healing songs
I'm no contact with my mother too. But she insists on turning up on my birthday. Just, no! I don't think she'll do it any more, though. Calmly closed the door in her face last year. Hope it's the last time. Just leave me be.
@@GodCreatedBlack It's not that no one cares, it's that they hate that you have what they crave which is genuine emotions and feelings. They hold you in contempt. Be grateful every day that you live a free life away from them. Be your authentic self. Love yourself and hold onto your boundaries. You don't need them to validate you....ever. Take care
@@GodCreatedBlack My own Mother and sister, so I understand. Yes, Get stronger every day without them. I still have to put up with my family and the damage she does all the time?, I wish I was you, and be able to step away or be left alone.. That sounds like pure peace to me. I wish you the best in getting stronger because you deserve it. Take care xx
My two narcissistic, multiply-addicted parents threw me out of the family for going to therapy. They did not know what was done there, but that is a threat to them somehow. I have had two Flying Monkey sisters who have vilified me for over 20 years. I went no contact. They want me back to torment me more and they have no one to scapegoat any more. They have to look at their own behavior and it's not pretty.
I was the scapegoat and left home the day I turned 17. Have been no contact ever since and it was the best thing I've ever done! I still have plenty of mental health issues due to the abuse I suffered but it does get easier over time. It is not your job to be the family punching bag - you deserve so much better!
I was a scapegoat until I was in my forties, then I heard someone say: Hurting people hurt people! The next time my father started on about my shortcomings (I was too old to beat any more), I quietly asked him, Dad, who hurt you so badly? After a short silence, he started to weep uncontrollably and unloaded all his childhood hurts. He changed after that and wanted to correct the past and often grieved that he couldn't do it. He seemed encouraged that I would tell him today can be a fresh start. Sometimes miracles happen! Thanks be to God!
Your dad maybe, possibly is not a narc. Maybe he was just another hurting soul because actual narcissistics would never acknowledge your questions and if they did, they would usually scapegoat, accuse you that you were insane or pretend that they didn't hear you. If I asked my mom that same question, she would look at me puzzled and say, something like, she doesn't know what I'm talking about even though she does. Actual narcissistics don't show compassion or acknowledge that they hurt or that someone hurt them unless they put on one of their victim performances. And they would only do that to get more narcissistic supply, money, or to hurt you back to minimize/degrade, and/or to devalue your hurt/pain.
@@A.777-p8m Right on. Narcissists NEVER acknowledge that they are wrong. If the father was a narc, he’d have called her delusional and crazy right off the bet.
My whole life I was the "bad kid", so I've spent most of my life trying to prove that I'm not. It turned me into a straight up "people pleaser" and my narc parents used that to their advantage. More recently, as they were evicted due to issues with hoarding and rage, I took them in for over a year. I experienced constant tantrums and gaslighting, and was even blamed for their unhappiness. It got to a point where I became severely depressed and anxious all the time just having them near me. I finally found the courage to make them leave, not caring where they went (they're grown people, they need to figure it out). So naturally, I'm being scapegoated by the entire family system. It's "my" fault they're homeless. Going low/no contact has really helped me thrive and find myself again. I wish I had found your videos much sooner, it would have saved me a lot of grief!
I am 62. Was scapegoated. 2004 so almost 20 years now. Final Thanksgiving was beyond ridiculous and in front of my German BF and his super nice parents. They kept asking me why my sister was being so mean to me and did they do something to offend her and should they leave. I was mortified that this behavior was witnessed and called out by "outsiders". That was it for me. I finally moved 6 hours away and told none of them. There is LIFE after. Take your time and build your own life. Totally worth it. I love them like I love everyone but I am not allowing myself to be blamed, teased, insulted anymore.
In the scapegoat and now as an adult, I am having more issues than ever before! I have been doing my best to heal, but keep coming back to this place of nothingness. I feel so alone! Pulling myself out of this is so freaking difficult. Having no support makes it so hard to heal!
I have the same issue but lately I've been listening to positive affirmations while I sleep and it's really helping. Maybe this could be something you try too. Blessings.
@Daveta Donnelly I am also the scapegoat in my family…growing up my siblings were told to stay away from me because it was something wrong with me, I was called the black sheep, My father says at 7 I was so manipulative that I’m the reason my mom divorced him (not the fact that he had a girlfriend with 2 kids), and 2 of my siblings hate me for that I have since cut ties with my “father” and youngest sister… I struggle with self esteem problems and feeling like I’m the devil and a no good person At 45 years I just started counseling and I’m starting to slowly realize my worth and that I’m not devil
I wonder if we ever heal from thst feeling. Love a fellow scapegoat who knows how hard it is. I think the best advice the dr gave was dont be a victim and get a lot of therapy
Oh, your dad sounds just like my mom. I remember her yelling at four year old me (one of many times) while calling me a little shit and a spoiled brat . . . but in her mind she's a woooonderful mother . . . righttttt . . . it's funny how they are so similar
Scapegoated by my narcissistic father, becasue I always see right through his lies, I can't be manipulated... And that ladies and gentlemen makes you black sheep for life
My narcissistic mother scapegoated me my whole life. I didn't understand what any of it was until about three years ago. Now that I know what I'm looking at, I see her doing it all the time. It just makes me sick to my stomach
I didn't have words to explain. I never talked about NM. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I've made so much progress. She died and I'm a brand new Person I am Blessed and Grateful.
Me also, I didn’t realize it myself until about a year ago. Really hits you hard when you see it. I can see how they “trained” me so well for the role that I fell into it often in other relationships in life. Scary to think about how much work needs to be done so I don’t keep repeating this dynamic.
My own daughter recognized and stated recently that mother has always been abusive toward me (after sharing about the Latest drama!!) - I'm 61 and my daughter 28 - I love that child - that special person in my heart and life - I and was so touched actually that she saw and said that about my relationship with my mother - it touched me so.. I was trying to defend my mother but it was so obvious - it's had me look at the situation again with fresh eyes.
I was targeted by my mother but my sister and 2 brothers and even my father went along with the abuse and neglect from my mother. No one ever stuck up for me. Even when I got married, to a few social classes higher then what I came from, my in-laws couldn't believe the way my own mother would talk about me. They called me Marilyn from the Munsters. Meaning I was the normal one and they thought I was the oddball. Unbelievable. I eventually did move to another state and divorced. I am still struggling with self worth and self value and I stopped speaking to my toxic family. I can say that I raised 3 young amazing men who are very close to each other and are excellent students and workers drug and alcohol free. So I can say that I did something right! Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your videos help me tremendous
Sandy Jones I get it! I’ve been going through this for almost two years now and looked for support in my brothers...FAILED. I have turned to my friends and seeking help everywhere I can... it is hard because you second guess every decision you make and the gaslighting is terrible. I really get the pain that you feel and you have given me hope in this moment of my life... hugs and love to you.
Same here Sandy. My mother did not abuse children under 7. She actually got along well with babies. But, when we turned 7 she began to get distant and abusive. I have four children and I worked very hard to make sure they grew up loved and loving. I also disciplined well. I have the kind of relationship with my only daughter that I wish I had with my mother. All of my kids get along with each other.
Wow, I wish for both our sakes, that I didn't relate. This cheese also stands alone. Unfortunately, I only have one adult daughter. About 2 years ago, she went to work at the family business. She began attacking me in texts and on the phone. I was shocked, devastated and couldn't eat. I dropped down to 99 lbs., had many falls resulting in multiple concussions and spinal fractures. Imagine, my mother's power has spread throughout the family and nearly killed me. My daughter, now 38, if fully indoctrinated into this abusive family.
This video speaks to me - right down to being disinherited. Now in my 60's - I'm am in the stage of no contact and planning to move away. We scapegoats often live our lives trying to gain acceptance of our families - but we never get it - so we get caught up in trying harder. We must learn to separate from our families BEFORE they deplete us and rob us of everything.
Amen to that ! I'm 63 years old, and only year and the half ago I found about narcissism Only now I'm able to start self-education THEY will never change And I have to move forward I have children and grandchildren, but I have to start treatment from the beginning since job that I have done was out off point and miss a target Looking to start over Yeah, I'm living in the other country, far away, it helps Best of lucks to you, learn to love yourself - you're most qualified to fill up a "black hole" for self-love, self respect, emphaty for yourself, only you know what kind of food or dishes you love most (for example) With respect
This post speaks to me so much. I was the scapegoat who escaped, moving to the other side of the country. Not surprisingly, almost everyone has stopped speaking to me. I consider it a plus
You've probably had great success and growth. Keep going! Give it at least 3 years. Please do not speak on the negative environment you left. Also don't try to "go back", they will try to reposition you where they had you.
4 years no contact here. It’s an emotional day but I’m still thriving. It blows my mind that every time I watch one of the scapegoat videos or family scapegoating abuse, it feels like they are talking about my exact personal specific story. It is alarming that so many children are actually going through this right now, I wish this information would be incorporated into a school curriculum. Wishful thinking ha
I am my family's scapegoat. I was told by family psychologists from my early teen years that my family was making me the "patient" for the family illness and that I should move far away and not look back when I was an adult. I moved far away, but it took me another 13 years not to look back. I finally got the help I needed and with videos like this, I've been able to go no contact for 9 months. My parents still try to hurt me, but I've built a strong support system and made it significantly more difficult to contact me, which helps. I just wish there was more content about how to manage their role in my children's lives, as they keep trying to get to my kids. Outside of that, I'm doing better than I have my entire life.
, I was warned by our family counselor the more my mother( narc) realized I was deflecting her antics then she would go after my weakest link which was my son. Right before she died she convinced my siblings and my kids that I was so evil, despite rising above their hateful antics they still believe the lies. I continue to focus on my blessings, my son and friends know otherwise
My brother has a kid and he made a rule that until my narcissistic father agrees to change, he will not see his grandson. My brother put his foot down and just said sorry, no contact. It's worked so far. Don't feel guilted into letting your abusive parents see your kids just because they are your biological parents. You owe them nothing. If they refuse to change, let them feel the consequence of not seeing their grandkids. Narcissists need consequences. (I fully believe narcissists are not capable of changing though). Sounds like you're already making good choices though!
I was the scapegoat. Behind my back, my father always called me "the boy", which I didn't find out till I was about 14. He hated me to the pont of telling my mother that, "that's the type of by boy that you take a gun and just blow his head off" - he made that statement right in front if me. He made it known that he didn't like me. I grew up, and finally cut him out of my life.
" they feel entitled enough to believe that you will help them even though they hurt you." Boy is that accurate. I remember I moved to another state to get away from my family who scab goated me for years. No one contacted me to see how I faired living on my own for months . Then they have the nerve to ask me for over $2,000 . Smh
Bai tza I know that's right the same thing happened too many times that's how they use us, misuse us, and taking advantage of you. You gotta how be smarter than that because they'll do that.
I went no contact with my sister 20 years ago. Recently she told someone in my network that she and her brother are in war with each other. There’s no ending this.
I was both the scapegoat and the invisible child. I tried SO HARD to be the invisible child, but since I was also an only child, I became the scapegoat. I was started on diet and exercise at age 7 for not being "slim" enough, even though I was a healthy weight for my body type. I was tormented about what I ate and such forever. I never actually became overweight until adulthood. Because of the body dysphoria, I could never lose weight or keep it off. Finally, I cut off all contact w/ my narc mother in December 2019. I have healed SO MUCH since, including the body dysphoria! Now for the first time in my life, I started exercising and I've been doing it for a month and STILL GOING! Starting to slim down. Not too worried about losing weight, but I feel so much more confident about myself. I never could have done this if I hadn't moved 2000km away and gone no contact. I have no regrets, and am continuing to heal.
My NM would brag about putting me on a diet when I was only a year old! This was against my pediatrician’s recommendation that babies don’t go on diets.🙄
I totally understand i oscillated between scapegoat and forgotten child and yes had weight issues too.I always gain weight when in relationships with toxic people, a form of self protection. Bless you friend and huge hugs,congratulations for loving yourself! You deserve it!🙏🏼💚💯
You have no idea how wonderful it was to hear this! I’ve had to cut contact with my family, and even kicked friends to the curb to get away from the crazy narcissistic abuse. I have struggled with the thought, that I must be the one that is the problem. My father was very abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. My whole life I’ve been dismissed, told that I’m stupid, that it’s my fault for anything he decides I should be. He never recognized my accomplishments or anything I did to try and make him happy. I stood up for the first time in my life (I’m almost 40) to him 2 yrs ago. I was calm, nice and told him that I love him, but I’m not going to allow him or anyone else in the family treat me like crap. We haven’t talked since. My siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins just went silent. I had to block my brothers because of the sheer harassment and hatred that we have never had in our relationship wouldn’t stop. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is better to alone and sane then surrounded by people who use me as a punching bag! Now I’m looking to move 3 states away! This video made me feel like I wasn’t crazy!
Best of luck 😊🤞 going to do the same at the age of 28 thanks to such channels who helped me open my eyes 👀 quite early and I am glad I won't go on wasting more precious years of hoping someday they would change or see how terribly they treated me. Enough is enough 😢
I was a scapegoat and I survived. I’m now a mom, a licensed social worker, and I speak and think kindly towards myself. It took many years of therapy and healing, but I did it. Don’t give up! Seek help and learn to truly love yourself. You can do it.
I wish more people knew about the truth about this, and how insidious and damaging it really is. It literally nearly killed me. And I’m still barely surviving now. Scapegoated by ENTIRE family with extremely narcissistic psychopath, violent Father, within enabling covert narc mother, who slandered me to the whole world, covering her & her husband’s abuse. Worst combination possible in “pareNts”. I still have nightmares of them abusing me every single time I fall asleep.
I'm finally in therapy. First generation American. Was treated as an adult when I was a child, then punished for behaving like an adult as I grew up. I've cut off contact with everyone but my little sister who just had a baby. Apparently, I'm autistic. Would've been nice if anyone cared.
OMIGAWS YES!!! "If anyone cared!" I am ADHD and I have exercise and allergy indused asthma. So I was just lazy, stupid, and attention seeking when I couldn't BREATHE. Then my brother starts having trouble in school and they were all about getting him help.
I was a Scapegoat and I SURVIVED! I’m 58 years old and happier than ever! Took me years to except that I was the lucky one and got away. My brother the golden child looks and acts miserable. It’s a sad situation but I’m FREE! Thanks for sharing your great wisdom. You have helped me so much! I listen to you ever day! Thanks again Wayne
Good on you Wayne! Better late than never! I'm actually glad I was the scapegoat so I had to grow a thicker skin and could see the play that the narcissist parents put on so I don't feel as trapped by the family as a golden child would. At least I feel that I am good enough by society's standards and that trumped anything my parents have to shame and blame me in life.
I was raised in a narcissistic scapegoat family. I’ve overcome it by being the strong one, never bending to their abuse. I moved 3000 miles away when I was a young adult and it was my escape. Thank you for sharing.
Same story Moved to other country When my mom will be on her deathbed, I'm not coming, I've decided, nor her funeral. I don't need to know how she was wonderful to everyone, but me... Nor last piece of her nastiness Only because she was so neglectful, I'm survived, but could have been more broken I'm mother by myself and now also a grandmother.. I had myself difficult life, but it's useless to tell her cause she will argue about percentage of disability - who's higher 🤣 Good luck to you Please be watchful, don't fall for their traps and baits Good luck !
I was the scape goat to my narcistic family, and escaped 1 year ago at 46 years old, and also divorced a narc. Thank you for being part of my recovery.
I was the scapegoat. At age 46, I moved to north central MN. At age 49 I went no contact. All that is up here is snow and woods, with not a narcissistic family member for a thousand miles. It’s been a year now of no contact, and it’s been the best year of my life.
Happy hear there just hope to disconnect with them forever...Jim! I always think how move away far even to our country but unfortunately I couldn't done it yet....where I live it's a small country and even if you live in other city they try to figure out where are you...I wish find peace and not have see all my family forever being with just Mr and my dog ...and sometime meet only nice healthy pepole...so in a way I wish I could be in you're own step
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@@חניתהאזולאי-ט5נ I hope and pray you find peace too. Keep making plans to get safe. And until then, research “gray rock” techniques, and other ways to improve boundaries. That was the first step for me. It took decades to finally be free. But it was worth it.
Thank you very much for caring..Jim and Suzy...I wish you all best too..🥰
I’m getting all teary-eyed, I’m so f*cking happy for you. Seriously. I know first hand, everything you’ve just described. I hope you thrive in your peace. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@pseudopuppy160 Thank you 🥰
Basically, we are the ones who refused to drink the Kool-aid. It's something to be proud of, even if it doesn't always feel good.
Amen to that!!!
Damn this kool-aid taste like i may have been right for much longer then i thought i didn't want to see it forever i thought our relationship could be fixed
Totally agree
Thanks for that thought.
Yep guys, it can't be fixed. I'm in my 60's and I've tried. When you realize there is no cure, that's when you walk away. I only wish I'd known about this whole thing 40 years ago, but better late than never! We are not Kool-aid drinkers and that's it.
We are scapegoated in our families because WE TELL/TOLD THE TRUTH, which our family members could not stand!! I grew up on the east coast and moved all the way to Hawaii to get away from them! I was left out of the Will!.... I deal with the family rejection to this day (I am 65 now) We scapegoats are STRONG and RESILIENT which is another reason we are hated by our SICK family...so take heart, your family was jealous of your strengths that THEY NEVER HAD!!! :-)
Sooo trueee ....
... a good analysis
It is their loss, send them a pic of you sitting on the beach and laughing !
How remarkable is that?!!!... My sister moved to the US and eventually to Hawaii from the UK. She lived on Oahu Hawaii Kai.
I have a very similar story. Moved from New Jersey to California to escape. Likewise, totally disinherited without any warning or discussion. I am approaching 68.
I was a scapegoat in my family and I spoke up and they gaslight me. I am now living in another country and the distance alone gives me peace.
Me too moved to another country
I moved 800 km from them, then to other country. Distance give the chance
But, please, be watchful, please, don't fall for their traps and baits
I had forgotten who my mom is and fallen to her trap. I have excuse - it was 26 years ago and I heard nothing then about narcissism
I'm not going to my mom's funeral even if all my family becomes flying monkeys, I had decided.
I'm 63, I'm myself mother, and now also grandmother...
I have rights, and no one allowed to bully me
@matikramer9648 Absolutely, you deserve to be happy. I went no contact with my mom in January 2023, and I am not ready to talk to her yet because I don't want to fall back into that trap. I am very careful and nothing, nobody can treat me like shit again. I have the right to be myself and be happy. Last weekend, one of my brothers said I should call her. I just sighed. I am not ready, period. I hope to forgive her and relate with her from a distance, but let me heal first. Thank you for sharing.
i really wanna do this too bu im still stuck even at 25
Sadly it broke me so much that no contact isn’t even that healing 😒
I remember being a kid like 5or 6 writing in my journal that “ my family calls me the problem child and I want to be good so they will like me” I used to cry all the time to God to change me. I’m glad I found ur channel because so much makes sense now. I just want to fully heal and not let my past continue to dictate my future.
You can & you will! sending love and light.
Narcisists hate the Truth Tellers. And try to get us to Lie and Manipulate, like they do. Because they are afraid of us exposing them. While we Truth Tellers are from The Light. And Liars and Manipulators are from The Darkness. You seem to know who you are.... A Lovely Truth Teller.... Inside and Out
I can totally identify! Withdrawing, weeping, writing in my journal, crying out to God! Eventually I gave up on myself, my desires and dreams, and even God for not hearing and helping me (so I thought). I stayed home until I miraculously got married just over a year ago, at 29. Lived with both parents as narcs, third of 8 kids, am definitely the scapegoat...
Yet, God brought me a loving hubby, and has been bringing much healing, beauty, joy, etc. in my life since!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing your wisdom! I can't express enough HOW much it is helping me and my husband understand and deal with our tremendously difficult situation!
I totally identify with this!! My mom found the journal and threatened to tell my father and I would get into trouble ... I was too young to understand that I wasn’t doing anything wrong
@@virgogrowing2337 The Narcist/Sociopath/Psychopaths in our lives love to Manipulate and Project Blame onto the Truth Tellers around them. Since they take our Honorable Character, to be a Threat Against There Behavior Being Exposed.
Every time I read the comments from all the people who have survived I just want to say: GROUP HUG, GROUP HUG!! My hope is huge blessings for all of you...
Sending hugs and wishing huge blessings for you too, Pat.
We are the Cool Kids imo!
sending you hugs from Virginia. Yasmine
So much hope when I see survivors 😭😭😭😭
My narcissist is helping to build strength to move on. Group hug.
Another characteristic of a narcissistic family is giving fake sympathy when the scapegoat goes through hard times and laughing at him/her behind his/her back.
Wow this happened to me but now they're frantically reaching out indirectly cuz they're scared of home nurses
Yep, even when they apologize it’s all manipulation and when they cry, it’s crocodile tears. They’re literally actors, but pretty bad actors.😅 I had Lyme disease three times and my mom told me to get over my symptoms and that she didn’t believe me, but when she had her body breakdown and had surgery, she would try to limp in front of me to try to get attention. These people are just the most pathetic you have to laugh at them😅😂
So true! "Some people will never like you because YOUR Spirit irritates THEIR demons".
🏆
Well put and deadly accurate.
WOW!! Yes!! This ^^^
Good one
Literally.
Scapegoated for my entire childhood right up until I realized university would be my only chance at escape. I busted my hump to get terrific marks in my last year of high school and suddenly I was the golden child... but it was all hollow and I saw right through it as my brother quickly became the scapegoat instead. I moved away for university and went low-contact, and I’ve been no-contact for nearly a decade. I committed to serious CBT and DBT work for much of my 20’s and now, at 33, I finally feel like the captain of my own ship. I’m in a loving, equitable marriage and have a safe home where boundaries are respected and love is unconditional. I’m a teacher, giving a safe space to students who may not have one at home.
Good for you! Glad you were able to conquer your abusive upbringing. 😊
You are a true inspiration. I'm so happy you have been able to turn your story around and triumph. What a gift you are giving to your students too.
Good on you for turning a painful childhood into a helping hand for children in need.
May God (or who/whatever you're comfortable with) bless the shit out of you! Your post has me all teary-eyed. I just love that you are holding a safe space for kiddos. Thank you for pushing through that awful crap and doing better than what you got . . . oh, my feels, right now . . . so happy you exist
All of the above! The best revenge is living well and happy. I was fortunate I realized I could never win in the Narcissist's "swamp" when I was a child and internally went my own way. Basically gave them the finger in my mind and trudged on. My mother would say "I wish I hadn't had children". I replied " Then I wouldn't have known the difference would I? " deflating her intent to hurt. You could literally see the frustration. Not giving them the satisfaction can be empowering. And realizing inside they are mean & miserable. Be happy & succeed. You'll drive them nuts. If necessary, "Stash that trash in the road side barrell" and move on.....
I went from ScapeGoat to EscapeGoat and I've never felt happier and freer!! 🙌🏻
Same, with God's help and deliverance.
I like that!
Me too, I'm the escape goat!!!
Wish I could do the same!
@@carolinemaja2199 just do it! It took me a few times but I finally accomplished it. And it's been 7 years now. No greater feeling
Funny how you realize "something's not right" as a child. As an adult you have the aha moment. Thank you.
I feel you, it's really amoral what they do, it's criminal in nature
I never really thought that something was wrong as a child because it was all I knew so I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I stayed at other friend's houses and notice that their family didn't scream at each other constantly and nobody was beating on them all the time. But honestly I was so brainwashed I didn't really start figuring it out until I was well into adulthood. My mother was so narcissistic manipulative abusive and controlling that I couldn't think for myself until I was in my forties. I broke free from her shortly before my 40th birthday and it's taking me this long just to get to this point 9 years later. I've always felt like I'm behind everybody else
@@juliedewyer1366 Do not measure YOUR own awareness with anyone else!
Each person makes changes as they are able to process the complexities of their own given situation. DO NOT EVER put a time frame on your personal, spiritual or physical growth. Just relax and let it unfold naturally to YOUR own abilities of comprehension, reasoning and understanding.
We are ALL flawed...but fabulous!!!
@@juliedewyer1366 No Julie not at all. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am in my 50s and just discovering what narcissism is (I always thought it was just vanity). Be good to yourself and give yourself the chance to think for yourself for once. It is regrettable the cards we were dealt, but I try to remind myself that in the last half of my life that “There’s still time for a happy childhood “, and that can mean just feeling at peace ☮️ because you really deserve it 🧡🧡
@@cathy9485 Thank you! Love and hugs to you as well.😊
I was the sibling who was left out by siblings in social gatherings, the butt of jokes and insults. Yet I was the one who they came to fix their problems. In my 50’s I realized I deserved better and went no contact. Having no close family hurts but as time goes on I realize I have value and deserved better. I miss the idea of family but not the people who I once considered precious to me above all else.
Me. 68 yrs young. Wished I would have learned earlier.
My life....well said! Yes it hurts like hell... but once l decided.. No contact! PEACE.. I'm from a large family to now just hubby & l.. GOD HAS GIVEN ME PEACE! Have a hug from me.❤
That's me but I cannot move yet because once they stick my dad of 86 years in a nursing home so they can sell his house, they'll dump him like a hot potato. He wasn't narcissistic at all; he just couldn't bring himself to punish us so my late mom had to. I feel someone needs to stay by dad. He'd rather come home where I'm willing to care for him. Is that me being scapegoated more? How do I walk away from dad who never turned his back on me?
This is incredibly familiar to me! Two of my siblings are narcissists and I was their whipping boy…. Beaten down this way throughout my life. Only came to truly understand my situation and family relationships once I was in my 60s! Guilted into trying to help them only to be abused over and over again. When my own adult son was upset to witness my siblings- and now their kids!!! - disrespectful and mistreating me did I understand the chronic gaslighting and how hurtful it had really been all of my life. Now have cut them all out of my life. Slowly recovering from it all.
@@chrisb.4323 I am not sure you ever recover from it but you learn to live with it. Even after years I still feel resentment and anger from time to time. At least for the most part I have some peace and a lot less drama in my life. When I am down I ask myself is my life better with them or without them. It puts it in perspective rather quickly. I am proud that I have finally developed a back bone and set boundaries. I have some self respect and overall I am stronger emotionally. Sorry to hear about your family problems and sometimes the hardest thing is the best thing for you.
"Accept the system is broken", "don't let their behaviour define you" SO important. Thank you.
Easy to say,BUT ABUSED , NEGLECTED, SCAPEGOATING A CHILD IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE 😭🙊🙈👹👺👹☠️👻👻👹👺👹 PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, IT'S TORTURE ,WORSE THAN GETTING PHYSICALLY TORTURED DAILY...
In ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES THERE ARE EXACTLY THE SAME FAMILY ROLES TOO 🌹🙏🙏😇 DR.RAMANI,
I DIDN'T KNOW IT HAD BIBLICAL ROOTS???
🥰
Wait....what? I'm not to blame??? Lol....and all these years......they're just shit and that's hard to accept.
Yes my father's decision to wash his hands of me is actually not my fault and I don't believe it when he and his allies blame and gaslight me.
I stopped at 3 mins just to silently cry... in learning so much from this woman. Thank you for your work
She is so wonderful isn’t she? I find it so helpful
💜
I cried as well!!!! I’m so overwhelmed by this & it’s all happening step by step!!! I seen it as a child into my adulthood (54) & it hurts just as bad or even more
Yea she’s helped me face the harsh truths that will set us free from all the BS we are given from Narcs
🤗🧡
I'm 72 years old, and just now receiving confirmation that it's not all my fault...thank you Dr. Ramani....
thanks for your comment, Wes. I'm older as well, and trying hard to overcome. I married the same kind of person as my mother, but it didn't show until our first son was born. I hate myself that I replayed the role, and I can't afford in today's world to step out. I won't get freedom until either they, or I, die.
So glad the best years of your life are going to be peaceful and in better company. The best to you.
@@20sandi12 don't put yourself in that position. If you think you are too old to walk away, then think about how your narcisist spouse think. Walk away....if they want to have you back because they are scare to be old and alone, then they need to earn it........
@@reginapolo3357 ...I shouldn't have written that. There are millions of homeless women out there who are homeless as a result of 'walking away' from a narcissist. I'll be alright; ultimately it is my shadow self (very strong conflict-avoidant) that I finally am learning to overcome.
I'm 68 and it was not 1 day to late to finaly figure out the truth. How refreshing.
I was the family scapegoat and treated horribly. Blamed for everything and treated the absolute worst out of everyone in the family. I focused on my own healing religiously for years, found passion and purpose in my life, and now i help others do the same. You can do it too. You will survive and thrive once you focus on You and your amazing qualities. Miracles do happen. Keep shining ✨️
I needed this. Thanks.
If a scapegoat can eventually escape with their wits and rise above then these are the people who change the world.
Thankyou dear!!! I’ll take that as a huge uplifting compliment!!! 😘
I realized early , thank goodness i came out of it after someone introduce me to chanting ' Nam Myoho Renge Kyo' The people who blame others dont want to take their own responsibility. thats not our problem , thats their problem.
Yes !!
@Swillbilly (aka Miss M) Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
The story of Jeff Bezos.
For those who are asking themselves, "What's wrong with me?" or, "What have I done to be treated this way?" It's NOT you. It's a broken person giving you their rendition of who you are to them, but honestly, that's how they feel about themselves. Healthy people don't go looking to blame others for the issues in their life.
Amen! That's right! Especially the blaming children that we're hearing about on this thread. Children are not responsible for their parent's happiness! Good Grief.
So good!!
Exactly!!
@@jspaingreene6350 Amen to that statement!
Very very well put.
I was scapegoated because I was bright and I did really well at school and my narcissistic mother was so jealous of me. So, scapegoating is not just about not measuring up. It's also because you have great qualities and the narcissistic parent wants to drag you down because they're so jealous and envious of you.
This was my story too and my mother was jealous of everything Incas, had and did. until she died although she would also brag about me to others to make herself look good then turn around in private and cut me down. This made me feel such deep insecurity and mistrust that I have failed to follow through on things I loved and was good at which made me depressed. Not one of the many therapists I paid thousands for ever helped me, understood the dynamics or even took me seriously. Finally, there are people like Dr. Ramani getting this information out there and support from other survivors sharing their stories.
Right on. Same thing happened to me. An envious mom is like a curse.
My mom is afraid of my success too.
Wow it takes all kind I guess I was opposite failure at school body dysmorphia didn't want to be seen I was the perfect target literally
Just discovered ma is a narc n so is my bro. I'm the scapegoat, he's the golden boy
I am the scapegoat of my family. My father was a narcissist. And I found out less than a month ago that mother is one as well, of the covert variation. I’m 34 years old. And, as I post this, I’m in the middle of a cross-country trek in order to break away and start a new life. Thanks to Dr. Ramani’s videos, I was able to identify all the abuse I’ve received my entire life. This channel has literally saved my life. For anyone out there experiencing narcissistic abuse, stay strong, stay positive, stop brushing things off, and remember that you are worth way more than what you’re receiving 🤍
My parents are the same. I feel you❤
“Don’t let their abuse define you” Something I needed to hear
Definitely💪
Amazing how much it helps to hear it, huh
🦋♥️🙏
I am teaching myself in my 60’s to take care of the scapegoated little girl inside of me who was shown no mercy. My mother, at 91, is still at it. Since I have grey rocked my family, my sister said to me, “Everything you are doing has changed your personality.” No, chick. I’m finally watching out for myself after my whole family joined in with my mother and abused me for years.
My experience, age, etc is the same as yours. Except that finally, at 94, my narc mother died. My first reaction: the wicked witch is dead! But it actually took a couple of years for me to stop feeling another attack from her was was hovering around the corner. Best Wishes and blessings to you!❤
I know what that's like. It's so hard when they label you the problem but they don't notice the triangulation and smear campaigns done against you. Smh. So glad you were able to be set free of that toxicity
When my N mother passed away, I asked my sister (the golden child), "If Mom treated you like she treated me, would you still miss her?" She said "no" and I said, "Good, because I don't."
@@VintageVeraAt least she was honest. Mine would probably say She treated us the same! I just "listened" to her. Aka Went along with all her lies.
@@crystalmiller4463 I understand how alone you must feel.
I’m the scapegoat who literally moved to the other side of the planet. She’s totally right about the freedom of physical distance. I now live in a place where I’m valued by my husband, friends, and co-workers. I now feel capable, worthy and free (more often than not). 😉 Sending courage and love to my fellow scapegoats. ❤️
Good for you. I did something similar and it really helps
I was afraid to move away. I was sure, one day I would end under a bridge. If I hadn't had awesome friends who have done more for my mental health than I could ever pay back, I'd be dead yet. Friends are the greatest gifts of all!
Good luck in your new life and well done ✅ it's lovely to hear that happiness can be found when you break away from evil.
Yes 😆🥰 I want to move to Hawaii 🏝 🥥
@@umchinagirard1800 We all want to move to Hawaii... :D
My parents made me drink a prescribed sleeping pills and proceed (together with the psychiatrist) to convince and swear that it's not a sleeping pill and that I was hysterical.
I was at the lowest point in my life, and yes I was deeply depressed, had eating disorder, bullied, and delusional due to intense depression.
Afterwards, I almost got thrown into mental institution.
I had to convince myself and secretly throw away the sleeping pills, and then I gradually became much better. TL/DR I pursued my education in Australia, met my partner there and now move to Canada 🇨🇦. It was a long journey, but I made it and now in a currently in a 5 year healthy relationship.
To any of you out there, no you're not crazy. We just had more sense of justice and throw in the truth out there. Don't pursue revenge.. pursue your career and life, be strong and live beautifully.. that's the best revenge.
Also don't bother to explain stuff to self-centred beings. A dog would understand you better.
I agree
When needed, dog will understand better than that kind of family
I had a similar experience, not to long ago on x-mas. Not sure what happened and how it was injested. I became very tired and and dizzy. I had to soon lay down in the guest room. I felt drugged or something, and not sure what happened. Quite often I really have to be aware of what I am eating and drinking around the holidays. Try to avoid the Holidays but somehow get roped into some kind situation. whereas I am gaslighted and made to look like a fool. over and over again way into my adult life. when I mention the uneasyness that I feel, I get the typical " your being paranoid "
@@paulrush4545that's so unbelievably bad😮 well maybe if u buy something to test drinks for drugs then you'd have proof and whoever does that would be scared
Thankz
I'm so proud of you because I know it's a very difficult battle and you've not only fought it but also won
I was the scapegoat for many, many years. When I became a preteen I started going straight into my bedroom and only coming out to eat and bathe. My mom didn’t like my personality, my looks, my school abilities etc. I finally found my worth when I got away from the negative words. I raised two children and helped cultivate their own talents and interests.
Lovely ❤️🏆
I stayed in my room all the time too. I felt it was my safe place and if I stayed put I wouldn't be blamed for things I didn't say or do. I think it worked most of the time, but once when I was 11 my dad came to my room and asked who left the bicycle pump outside and before I could even say I don't know he hauled off and hit me. My mom walked up behind him and told him she did and he acted like he was going to hit her.I never got an apology. Another time when I was a teenager my mom came to my room and wanted to know who messed up the throw rug in the hallway and I said I didn't know and she too hauled off and hit me. I have OCD and now I know why,but looking back on it now, I wonder why they were making such a big deal out of such trival things.Even if I'd of done those two things I should not of gotton in trouble for them. Those were just two incidences but there were more. When I was four my mom was in a wheel chair. She was sitting on the couch at the time and I asked her if I could ride the chair down the hall and she said yes and so I rode it down the hall and my dad came out of the bathroom and hit me across the face and bloodied my nose.My mom told him she told me I could ride in it,but he never apologized. I also remember being accused of something I was suppose to of done but don't remember what it was, and I was like 4 then. I went to my room and told my stuffed animals all about it here they could hear.Then my dad took all my stuffed animals away and took them outside to the burnbarrel and burned them up in front of me. Looking back on that I now know that was his way to try to condition and program me to keep my mouth shut about what goes on behind closed doors. These are just a few of the things that happened to me growing up, but there was much much more and much worse. I'm really getting angry as I tell this. I've been no contact for 10 years with both parents. I'm 57 years old and the abuse continued while I was an adult. I finally grew up when I no longer felt the need to prove I was telling the truth about things I was accused of saying and doing,or to prove myself in general to them,or to defend myself in any other way. The last years I did talk to them they were always accusing me of being out to get them when they would of never thought I was out to get them had they not abused me my whole life so that's their problem they think what they do,not mine. I'm 57 and they are in their seventies if they are even still alive.
@@debbieraymer7925 I have many stories like this. We were so broken. The best we could do was get away from this and raise our kids and do better by them!
@Aimee Thank you. Yes I'm much happier. Extremely happy actually because my husband and I have had a really bad case of covid and a couple of times we weren't so sure we was going to make it, but just kept praying and believing we were going to make it and we feel so much better now. I was like I can't die cause I've spent my whole life being abused and being depressed and I have missed out on so much good stuff and have so much unfinished business to take care of. So I am extremely happy and grateful that we made it and have so many good things to look forward too. It just feels like a miracle that we made it, cause we were pretty bad sick.
I realized early , thank goodness i came out of it after someone introduce me to chanting ' Nam Myoho Renge Kyo' The people who blame others dont want to take their own responsibility. thats not our problem , thats their problem.
I was just a small child when I realised there was nothing about my parents that I admired or respected. That is why I was scapegoated, particularly by my mother. I chose very early on not to be like them or accept their view of me, and that is what saved me.
I never fit in, and always thought how uptight my parents were. They were so obsessed with perfection, with skinniness. Even when I was little, I was a little truth teller that didn't admire or understand their values. I thought, I can do better.
That was me also, very early on. I knew shit just wasn't right. I always made a lot of friends outside the family which only highlighted just how wrong they were.
I was pretty set in my ways of not following my family members. And got scapegoated most of my life, up until 2-3 years ago, did I finally escape most of the narcissistic people. l remember when I was a teen, my family had this “talk” about money and I pointed out the fact that my narcissistic father foolishly spends money, and everyone had pointed out that I said that because I “despised” him. And that I’m a “rebel”. (Another scapegoat event). All I did was SAY the truth. I can’t lie when i see abuse. Hahaha! Oh how only the truth unfolds SO many years later. All I did was blankly stare at them when their lights turned on. One of my sisters pointed out the fact that we ALL have issues with him because he was not the most caring. It’s unfortunate that someone else had to point that out to them. But in any case, they’ve stopped scapegoating me from “afar”. And I’ve allowed permission for me, to finally be free from them without having to feel guilt-tripped/obligated to them because they’re “your family” and you have to deal with everyone’s sh*t. THAT’S BULL. Every person needs to take responsibility for their own needs and wants. Light and love folks!
💯
I love that you say there was nothing about your parents you admired or respected!!! That resonates with me so much. I felt the same about my mother.
I am 55 years old and have recently rid myself of every toxic person in my life starting with my family. I have been the scapegoat since I was a child. Now I am free and happy but admit not many people are left in my life which is scary at times and making new friends has been so difficult I'm not even trying anymore. What I am doing is ME and it feels great!!!
I will be 50 at the end of this year (2020) and I too have had to let go of all members of my family of origin. I've spent my life finding and maintaining just a few good "extended family" friends, who really have been more like a family to me than actual relatives in my childhood. We all have our own separate lives, some of us are even married, but we seem to have the time for each other when needed. All my life I've only had a few good friends at one time, it's all I can handle.
But I said all that to say this. Having friends who are also family, or like family, is an awesome gift. The older we get, the more that we realize in the end all we have is each other.
Social groups. Hobby clubs. Churches (if you are so inclined). Work. Votech courses. Dance halls. Any reason to spend small amounts of scheduled time with others at first can later help to develop into friendships outside of the groups. Different friends for different reasons. Some personal, some social, some for other reasons. Some can't deal with difficult issues, others are willing to try.
At our age we don't need to rely so much on superficial impressions, we have half a century of life experience behind us! (Don't tell anybody, but I still think like I'm 25 sometimes! Hee-hee!)
Sometimes friends choose us. Sometimes friends need little maintenance, other times more attention is needed.
I know it's difficult to make friends. It can be a slow process. But I believe in you. I bet you are a natural born charmer. Now you must believe in yourself, and give the whole world a chance. Sometimes it's just a matter of making up your mind and taking the first step.
It's going to happen for you. I just know it. And in the meantime, be kind to yourself.
@@danielkaiser8971 Wow! I just read this and I am stunned. You said exactly the right thing at the right time. I really needed that. I'm in tears.... Thank you so much!! I am so grateful. You are a truly good person and your friends are blessed❤️
@@danielkaiser8971 Btw...if you want a new friend online you got one, lol I also know what you mean about having a few friends because that is all that you can handle. I can only handle a few as well. I just recently learned that everyone we encounter is not necessarily a potential friend. They are someone to share experiences with, to teach, to learn from and sometimes all three. Some of these people stick around for a long time and others move on so now I cherish what I get, learn from it and try to be the best me I can be and it's already paying off. ❤️💯
i’ve recently done the same thing and it does get kinda scary. best of luck!
Is the amount of people important, or the quality? 😉
I was 11 yrs old and called for help when our violent alcoholic father was fighting in the basement with another drunk. Mother was at a sport tournament with my 15 yr old and 13 yr old brothers. She asked me to take care of my two little sisters ( 9 yrs and 8 yrs at that time). The call was made at 3 am...three little girls...terrified. Help did come, Mom came home early, and she told my siblings " Your Dad is in jail for endangering his children, and it's because I broke our family code of silence...I called for help. Police came, and that's why he is in jail!" Today my siblings still blame me. They exclude me from family gatherings...and we are in our 60's. Dad and Mom have passed away. Still treated badly today. I have removed myself from this highly toxic family and I am fairing better now. Scapegoated, but now I understand that I am the strongest person in this family!
I am so sorry that happened to you. It's awful when you're a child and yet the only sanity or voice of reason comes from you and God forbid you speak your truth and state the obvious; they'll turn on you like a pack of hungry rabid hyenas! You are not alone.
It's ironic that the fact that the dad put his children in danger was of no concern to anyone in the family, classic🤐
😂 Yes, you are!
I am learning now, that you must let go of the entire toxic entity. If that includes the syblings, then go no contact with them as well.. They will not change. Mine didn't. It is a role they chose. My syblings chose to be like the abusers,terribly so.I learned, if I want to be happy I must cut loose the family system that constantly causes me harm. That includes my syblings. Freedom is happy and whole.
The best part about being the scapegoat is the moment you realize that you are not to blame for your family’s dysfunction after all.
After years of being the emotional dumping ground, you gain the courage to quietly walk away
Agreed. I have some friends in this situation. Walk quietly away. Any commotion from the scapegoat will make the toxic family say. "There's always one." "It's his or her fault that there is always arguing and problems." LoL. After one stops needing the relationship or validation anymore. The acceptance phase of grief comes easier. I always say go quietly with a caveat. If the scapegoat can write a tell all book and get money from it. Do it.
Amen to that
Lol
Yes. And walk away, most definitely walk. Make your life, it will be hard and there will be times you’ll find yourself in bed in a ball of despair, but don’t ever give up, ever. One thing about scapegoats is that they are survivors whether they realize it or not. They’re survived the abuse and had the guts to leave, or had dreams of leaving because they instinctively knew things weren’t right.
One of the keys to my emotional release, and it can be yours, was the understanding that it isn’t personal, even though it does feel very personal and the pain cuts deep. This truly was a turning point “it wasn’t about me” but was about something going on inside that person, as they were beating me, smothering me, destroying my things, etc., etc., etc....whatever the abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, it wasn’t personal to me (even though it was happening to my body), but driven by something going on inside the perpetrator’s head - their twisted psyche. I just happened to be there because I was trapped by marriage, just walking by, being a child in their household....I was trapped and an easy target to their rage/wants. It’s as simple as that. Understanding this made it so much easier for me to step from victim “why?” mode and into a different place of understanding. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, but once I did, it was freeing, the weight was lifted. Do I forgive them their actions? No. They don’t feel any remorse, why should I let them off the hook when what they did to me was criminal. What I am doing is giving myself freedom to leave the darkness they saddled me with, I’ve lived with it for decades, in some cases well over half a century, that’s long enough to live in their evil. I wanted out so I gave myself the gift of it.
Amen. I'm going quietly, I won't give them the satisfaction and I won't give them anything to use against me, when they try and tell the rest of the world, "see, look how awful and irresponsible she is...". They will have nothing, except the sound of silence.
It took me a long time to realize that I was the black sheep / scapegoat of the family. I remember an incident at someone's birthday party, where the entire FOO (Family of Origin) was there. My mother, the narcissist, had a habit of asking a question then literally 1 second later, commenting "Well, fine; don't tell me, then," as though the person refused to answer her. So I was there, and my mother pulled that stunt on me for the umpteenth time, so out of frustration, I said, "If you would shut up and let me answer, I could tell you."
THAT started an entire family pile-on, with Golden Child brother and enmeshed sister telling me how disrespectful I was to my mother and that I should apologize (and of course she went to another room to 'go cry'), and basically what a horrible, rotten human being I was. My elder brother, who I think had some of the same clarity I had, stayed out of it.
At this point, I was in my mid-to-late-30s, and my awakening had begun. So I went to "apologize" to my mother, alone in some bedroom, by telling her that she may have everyone else fooled, but that I see right through her. I think I must have shocked her, because she didn't respond.
The best book I ever read was "Will I ever be good enough?" about daughters of narcissistic mothers. It gave me the final pieces of the puzzle of my life, wondering why I couldn't be happy, why it was impossible to find platonic and romantic relationships that were not abusive, and provided me with Step One of my healing journey.
It's lifelong, I still have setbacks, and it is still a kneejerk reaction to tell myself that I have no worth...but I wouldn't want to go back to not knowing, and just wandering through a dark and scary wilderness in my mind. I can't say I'm always in a proverbial open meadow now, but the one thing I was able to do, was Stop the Cycle of Abuse with my own children. That is my victory.
This is happening to me with my narcissistic/sadistic sister. I’m 36 and pregnant and she physically attacked me inside the car and my other sister is taking her side bc I was raising my voice. Unreal! I totally feel your exact story is my story. My sister bullied me my whole life and bc she’s 5 years younger she was always defended and I was shamed bc “I should know better”. She’s no longer a child but still thinks it’s ok to out her hands on people indiscriminately.
I love your Victory! , the fact you stopped this vicious circle. Congratulations!❤
I’m proud of you! Thank you for sharing and for book indication ❤️🙏
Yes love your victory to I get also resonate so much but healing is absolutely possible lots of love you champion
Your elder brother had a Golden opportunity to rise to the occasion and say something. I called out my middle brother on that once: he alone was in a great position to say something, and didn't. People who BAIL or don't get involved are no longer part of my life.
Growing up my whole life was a lie. My true identity was stolen misplaced by being a scapegoat...I’m still trying to relearn who I really am.😮
Same❤️
has it worked? because I am still trying to not be ashamed to just be me.
So true... I wasn't supported as a worthy individual. I was EXPECTED to be XYZ... I wasn't allowed to dream about the future that I wanted for myself... Like happy kids are. To express myself. I was corrected all the time. Wasn't allowed to be angry, that was very scary. I would be told then, no one will want to live with me and that I am a witch.
I felt like my mother's servant. Listening to what she has to say or rant about.
And reminded constantly how I am doing XYZ wrong, how if only I were better, healthier, wanted less, she wouldn't have so angry with me all the time... Even though she barely spent quality time with me. I was usually left alone at home with grandmother or other kids to play with.
I was too much for her, even though I was the meekest child & a teen...
It's sad to think about how I was so unhappy 90% of the time. And it wrecked my health physically... This is the worst of all. Because I have lost my independence.
Now I NEED to stay with my mother again. What I had tried to escape, still caught up to me... I hope the Universe 🌌 sends me a solution 🙏🏼🌠
Same here.... That's exactly what happened to me. I'm in my 40s and still rebuilding. 💕
They always try to turn you into mini-thems, or mini-who-they-wanted-themselves-to-be.
Being a family scapegoat is THE most painful life journey one can live.
Be grateful.
You are an old soul.
The scapegoat, being the blame for everything by everyone. So much worse when you get blamed when the actual guilty party carries out the action infront of others but you still get blamed. Why is it neverending?
Because - Every one has been scapegoated at some time in their life. Everyone has used another as a scapegoat at sometime in their life. I could give countless examples in my own relationships, personal and professional that could classify as this. It's a circle - just like everything in this life is.
No it's not a circle...if you have been scapegoated you know the pain and deviation it causes and if you are strong and conscious enough you can and must be determined not to do that to another human being
Right. I think the others (the enablers) want it to be you because they don't want it to be them. My mother took out a lot of her rage about her husband on me, he would privately (never in front of her because he didn't want her to think he knew she was acting crazy) tell me to just accept it because "she's stressed" but really he didn't want it directed at him. Coward.
I know, right. The other day my aunt called to tell me my cousin is angry at me for something that happened 18 years ago. I, too, have limited contact with my family.
Bunch of low lives creating drama prefering to hurt those who love them so they can keep orchestrating the scenes. I'm the golden child gone copper onto being the scapegoat, if I don't visit covert I know none of the trio kids won't, oh well, I'll take this outdoor view as opposed to the one covert mom is having in detox on the 9th floor, blessings on, guilt belongs to them, I'm done, thank you Dr. Ramani!
Scapegoat here- unfortunately it continued into adulthood and my other relationships. But once you take a step back, see it for what it is , and take your POWER back, you are met with a whole new world. Stay strong everyone!💕✨
This is me! I feel you.
So true!! Take back the power!!!
My daughter and I just finished WandaVision. It's a fascinating show, if you are familiar with the Marvel universe (and yes, she had to explain a lot of things to me). But at the end, I realized that the message I took from it was that I had let others take my power from me, and I had the ability to take it back. So, I have.
The only way to ever get my power back is to not have ANY relationship. I can’t seem to break this cycle, the only people I attract are mean people .
Thank you
I’m currently dealing with this now, my narcissistic golden child sis, discarded me after I caused narc injury with TRUTH. Dad mom and sis are hoovering hard right now thinking I’ll come back. Little do they know I walked away for good this time and I couldn’t be happier for making such a decision. Time to move on and thrive! Scapegoats unite! THEY FEAR US!! To anyone else dealing with this, my heart goes out to you, you are not alone. Recognize your power and take it back!
Psalm 26:12
"My foot is standing on level ground; in the great congregation of Jehovah."
@Kevin Howard
How's everything going today?
Couldn't of said it better. Take the power back, they never valued you anyway, time for them to re co figure thier chess board !!!
I have always been the scapegoat in my family. A few years ago when I threw my narcissistic cheating husband out of the house after catching him cheating on me for the umpteenth time and my mother promptly turned around and moved him into her house until she bought the house right next door to hers for HIM!!! They then proceeded to promote their smear campaign against me and turned the rest of my family against me... At this point I wouldn't be surprised if she took me out of her will and put my exhusbands name in instead just as a f-you from the grave when she dies!! My mother told me decades ago that when I was born I ruined her life.... She has always hated me because I stand for the TRUTH. That's why my exhusband hates me too.... It all came together for me years ago when I realized first that my ex is a narcissist then second it sunk in that my mother is a narcissist too!! I always knew while growing up that I never wanted to end up with someone like my mother.... Yet somehow that is exactly what I did!! That pretty much means that my life.... These first 51 years of it has been total s&€@! Scapegoated and gaslighted every step of the way. What do I do now?
@@julierichmond4975 You walk away, no notice and you never look back. And you will be disinherited so don’t for a second stay holding out for something that you will never receive.
I was scapegoated and alienated. Mom felt threatened by my success and took credit for everything.
Been there. It’s a horrific place to be trapped in, to live as the default punching bag not only for the immediate family, but the extended one too. This family condoned abuse is so devastatingly harmful. When I finally went No Contact with my immediate family, the rest started showing uncharacteristic interest in my life, only to collect data to pass on to them. Thankfully, I realised what was going on and blocked all of them as well.
👏👏👏
Good for you 💪
I had to do pretty much the same. My mother’s sister is more of a pervert one. She got to the point that after doing her smearing campaign against me (I denounced the fact that my mother was heavily drinking and she needed a psy), she contacted people who were completely estranged in order to phone me up and ask questions. When I realised she was behind I had to block these people as well. Narcs influence so many people that you are left with the doubt that it’s you to be the problem. When I was just trying to say that my mother is a alcool addicted (it’s ALL my life I try to ask for help), but they had to keep the image of “perfection”, the false self, the projections of what they want to convince other people they are. When they feel that that image is threatened they start a war against the person who threatened it through smearing campaign. They said that my husband cheats on me to every single person they know. They said that I am insane. That I am depressed. Etc etc. In the meantime my mother keeps on getting drunk almost everyday and my sisters and my father watche it happen and stay silent. They agree with me that there’s the problem but they enable it with their silence.
It’s frustrating but I used to have only hatred once, now I feel pity for them. And still... a bit of hatred.. I can’t help it
You have great strength!
@@avalancherose My half sisters were damaged as children. I learned about it while I was still quite young and I've been tolerant of their foibles as a consequence. I cut them out of my life, after my dad died, but that didn't stop their twisted resentment of me. They have done exactly what you are talking about. They are now insinuating themselves on my dad's side of the family. They were nasty about my dad's family until it was useful to them to suddenly proclaim how nice my dad's family is. They never had a nice thing to say about them and they took particular interest in having me witness their cruel jokes. So I have now lost everybody. All my roots are sliced off. The half sisters have infiltrated every area I could maintain some connection with any of my family. And then they try to track me down anywhere I have a social media presence. They always wanted to see the worst in people. It was always 'us and them'. You couldn't disagree with their vicious opinions without consequences. I hate them, now. And I'm glad I hate them even if it means I have to keep running all my life. Even if it means I can only allow myself to be unguarded with a very small number of people.
I was scapegoated by a cop dad who molested me as a child, a mother who covered it up, a grandmother who said it was all my fault, and an extended family that said they think I finally told people at 42 years old just so I could get attention. This video definitely resonates with me and makes me feel good, along with my therapist, about the boundaries I'm setting that are scary to me.
God give you strength ❤
My husband scapegoated me
God Bless you . I wasn't believed either and those who did believe acted as though I deserved it . I BELIEVE YOU . I HEAR YOU . I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOU ! ❤
That lot sound like the pits. You, on the other hand, come across as a phenomenal woman! Go you! 💪💕
That's horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't get why people think others are only looking for attention when they find the courage to speak out against what has happened to them.
Until I was 20 years old, I was convinced that I was responsible for all the suffering of my narcissistic mother.
it still takes so much courage for me to publicly share a comment. But I'm on my way to get my voice back. thank you dr. Ramani❤️
I really wanted to post a comment but I always get a feeling of embarrassment. After reading your comment, I felt comfortable to reply to yours. I hope you are well and I hope your courage grows in your journey. In a way, we are in this journey together.
ur lucky u were 20 i was 27 when i walked away from my brother and 29 when i walked away from me mum she is such a vile person i dont love her if she died tomro i would be quite sad but thats because my dream is for my sister who is becoming her scapegoat now i am gone to walk and my brother to be so fucked from drugs he is unable to look after her that she ends up alone in a care home her worst nightmare i wish her to go in in her 70s (young face but brittle body for her age ) and stay there way in to her 90s or beoned
NEVER BE EMBARRASSED OF HOW YOU FEEL!! Be brave and ask God for Jesus help. Pray, read your Bible.. Jesus will give you strength like you have never had before !!! That’s how you fight them !! By making yourself STRONG. Jesus is the reason for my STRENGTH!! And they FLEE FROM ME !! Yes ♥️
Your not alone and exact same for me❤️
I understand that. Anytime I hear about something bad happening, my first response is "why did I do that!?".
Holocaust, poisoned flavoraid, dog abuse, missing children, bombings in Iran, feels like all these and more are my fault. Every police siren feels like all the sins of humanity are catching up with me, and I'll finally be taken away for it.
It's rough. But you've got this! None of it is your fault!
Scapegoating never Ever stops! I had to go no contact with my entire family. It took years for me to realise my sister had become my mother and my brother my father. Truly an ugly reality. Both parents narcs and both died, yet my syblings took on their roles. No contact is the only way to peace and happiness. I moved 3800 miles away from these people. Thank God for caller ID.
I am my family's scapegoat. I'm 56 years old and I finally walked away from all of them. I changed my phone number as well, blocked them all on Facebook. I actually felt a big relief off my shoulders. Eventually I will feel much better, it's a slow process. Grieving, being angry, and finally relief. I feel happier now , knowing they can never hurt me, belittle me or use me as an excuse for all their issues. These videos also helped me tremendously because I know I'm not alone. Thank you 🙏
Good for you Paige!! It's easier said than done. We are close in age, you and I, and I feel stuck because my children have relationships with the N parent and the enabler parent. I also worry about the enabler parent because the N subtly abuses them ( knowingly feeding them food that's bad for them, verbal abuse, constant irritation)
Anyway - the point is - you DID IT!!! Congrats. There really is grief in there with the relief....take care!
THANK YOU...♡ You give me the Hope I need just now. THANK YOU ♡♡♡
@@annalouisekristensen2464 me too she is so optimistic about her future.
I'm so happy for you. I almost made it out. Got out for a year but financial reasons, put me right back into the brutal environment. I know that if I get out again, I will NEVER look back. I didn't miss the family one bit when i went no contact last year. I'm being emotionally pummeled for that one now. It's a nightmare. I hope i can get to the point where you are. thank you for sharing your experience.
Must feel great, I left FB to get away from my fam narcissist, it has felt so good not walking on eggshells.
This seriously pushes one to think about suicide, often. It seems like you are all alone and you are so hopeless that death seems like the only option.
Let’s not ever give them that satisfaction 🙏🏽
My narc father had me suicidal by the age of 4. At the time I didn’t understand that I was suicidal so young. I used to bang my head against walls and floors because I was told if you hit your head hard enough you’d die. So that’s what I was trying to do. In third grade I climbed out the window and tried to jump off the roof. My father just laughed at me. Narcissists shouldnt be allowed to breed and if they do they should NEVER be allowed to see their children. They’ll only damage them.
@@hailey8941 Sending you love
I've dreamed of it many many times.
@@hailey8941 My narc mother was also schizophrenic. Besides the emotional abuse she was also physically abusive as well. I was fortunate to have an amazing Dad but at first he didn't know what she was doing when he was gone at work.
She would goad me into fighting with her and push every button and provoke me until I exploded. Then she felt justified to hit me with something or slap me or grab me by the hair. I'd end up in utter emotional turmoil, crying and screaming at her, I'd fight back verbally. Then she had me, because "good children don't talk to their mother that way" and she'd threaten to tell my Dad... I believed I was bad and so I thought I'd be telling on myself if I told my Dad what was going on, and then I worried he might stop loving me... It wasn't until I was about 9 that I started realizing that mothers weren't supposed to treat their kids that way and then Dad was starting to figure things out and asking me questions.
He started noticing signs and by now he knew she had schizophrenia and he put two and two together and began asking me questions when I was about 8 or 9.... He tried to protect me as best he could, he let me know that what she was doing was wrong and that I didn't deserve it... he tried to coach me to walk away when she tried to pick fights (and them tell him when he got home) but it was so hard to do, she was a master at pushing buttons. I had to stand up for myself. I think that's why she chose me as the scapegoat.
But I first thought about suicide at an early age too, I know it was before I could read or write because I had no way of telling Dad that it wasn't his fault and that he was a good Dad. I had been taught the dangers of plastic bags and how you could suffocate and my mother had some of her dry cleaning hanging in the back of my closet in my bedroom... so one day I decided I'd sit in the back of the closet in front of the dry cleaning plastic. My plan was to fall asleep and fall face forward into the plastic and suffocate. I was having a hard time falling asleep and instead thought about how my Dad would feel if I succeeded. I knew it would hurt him a lot and I didn't want him to think it was his fault so I decided not to do it...
There were a couple other times I thought about when I was a little older but my Dad died when I was 15 from a fall from a ladder and came very close to taking my life with pills a year or so after that. At that time, my Catholic upbringing taught that if you took your own life you went to hell. I wanted to see my Dad again so that's the only thing that stopped me.
I have been the scapegoat in my family dynamic. I couldn’t understand growing up why I was always ‘different’ then the rest of my family. I was always teased and wasn’t allowed to voice my opinion or show emotion after being yelled at. I left my family about 10 years ago and moved across the country and minimised contact with them but even now every time I see them (which is maybe once a year), I still ‘cause’ some type of family meltdown trauma and they are all left blaming me for something stupid and petty. Thank god I found my husband who is my number one support, his family has given me the family dynamic i never had. I do struggle with anxiety especially in stressful situations/ conversations but I am seeking help and therapy. I am not my parents. Your channel has really helped me remove myself from my parents BS. Thank you
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I thank my husband regularly for moving me 1200 miles away from the mess.
I can say, I was a golden child turned into a scapegoat right from beginning of the teen years (in my late 20s now).🤦 Scapegoats become self-sufficient to a fault. 🤹 I learnt it the hard way after having been in back-to-back invalidating relationships. 😠 Finding love had become a herculean task. 😩 Learnt the hard lesson after dating a covert narcissist. 🙍Thank goodness it happened. 💁Wouldn't have seen myself more clearly, else. 🔎 I feel that scapegoats only lack one thing and that is "approval". 💯 The moment they get that from their inner selves, the need for getting it from the outside starts to diminish. 👸 The day we enter any mental-health empowering programs, that's the 1st step in the whole success-scenario. 🤗 The time narcissist means or says, "we are not enough" is true, since we are not enough for them, nor can be anybody not providing the narcissistic supply to these blood-sucking mosquitoes. 😂
We are enough, have always been so, and are meant to achieve whatever we deserve (all the health, wealth and wisdom in the universe). 💪🏽 💜
Wow! This is super encouraging. This gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.
Good for you to climb out, Lucy!! I was also in your position and just at age 50 have I realized how I’ve unconsciously perpetuated the role of scapegoat that my mother foisted upon me all my life. The sensitive, perceptive “black sheep” who doesn’t subscribe to the narcissist’s self-perceptions is always the one who sees the horrible dynamic and then gets emotionally abused because of it in terms of verbal abuse, turning everyone against you, gaslighting, and blame-shifting. Like you, I’m thankful to have a husband who sees the horrible and abusive dynamic for what it is and stands with me. For my adult sons, it is more complicated because they experienced my parents as wonderful grandparents so I tell them I want them to have whatever relationship with my parents that they want, but it’s super difficult because my parents speak poison into my sons’ minds which grieves me 😭😭.
Your story sounds just exactly like mines as well.
Sweetheart if you are reading this you are worthy, allow your life to be a Cinderella story. There are so many people out there that want to treat you fairly, love and support you ♥️
Me reading this because my name is Sweetheart. Lol but seriously, Thank you for your sweet message. It’s helping others ❤
I think the advice she gave is easily better than any single hundreds of dollars of therapist session
“Don’t let their abuse define you”. - Gold….❤️
Too late sadly
An enlightened scapegoat is an escapegoat!
Escape goat, love it!
Shoot, that would make a great tshirt or mug! Copyright that!!
Thanks for posting this Dr. Ramani, your videos are always so helpful. I was scapegoated for 59 years. I always knew I was the black sheep of the family and used to laugh about a lot of the hurtful things they did, which I now see was a coping mechanism. Then last year I was diagnosed with cancer and every single member of my family turned their back on me. I was blamed for causing trouble as usual. My golden child sister was extra nasty for 8 months and even my siblings partners joined in the fun! My lovely lovely mother, who had ignored sexual abuse and violence from my elder brother, supported my younger brothers narc wife when she stopped me seeing my nieces and nephews ever again, and informed me I was a bad daughter. WTF? Slowly, peeling back the years of abuse I discovered I had been raised in a vipers nest. I went spinning helplessly to a deep dark place for around 15 months and eventually got help through counselling. Gradually I uncovered the ugly truth about narcs, and the scapegoated child, then went into complete shock. Eventually though I began to realise the many many advantages of not having anything to do with narcs pathetic poison any more. Fortunately, I escaped a lot of the issues connected with scapegoated children, not sure how, listening to my feelings closely I think, although I have noticed some sticky traits that still act as severe triggers, but they too will go eventually if I keep working at it.. I am definitely the one in control now, and have clambered out of the hell of Pandoras box to go elsewhere and let them just get on with it. I have no interest. I have rejected my family - they are not good enough - 20 days no contact now and counting woooo hooooo! I feel stronger every day, although I am sure there is a smear campaign and that they are convinced THEY are grey rocking ME! Hilarious, but who cares?. I am now so free and can at last shuffle off the 'me' they said I was. It's a great feeling. It's been a tortuous journey but I too am glad I unveiled the truth. It felt like I had died at one point but actually I was reborn, this time with my partner and people that love me surrounding me. At last I have people in my life worth giving my energy to. If your'e in the early stages, acknowledge the hurt, get rid of the flashbacks and head towards the light, it will be worth it.
I'm so sorry 😔. I'm praying for you. Those that abused you, the ones that said that they "loved" you will have to face God one day. Many blessings to you 😊👍 ❣️ You got this!!!!
Stay strong and stay away, and may you succeed !
Hundreds of times & hundreds of times there after our families SPECIAL NEEDS being our death from them
Failed . Super Nova event pending.
Speaking as the scapegoat in my family. Living this way is like being in a nightmare you can not wake up from. Being verbally attacked "relentlessly "from everyone in my family is miserable.
💯
I’m sorry to hear that. Being blamed by everyone is awful and totally not something anyone deserves. I hope you can find peace and healthy boundaries with them.
I myself was and am in a weird dynamic with my family.
My father was a type-A personality who worked hard and provided but was verbally abusive and condescending. My mother is a narcissist with victim mentality believing she always needs to be first and my eldest sister who raised me holds the good things she did over my head like I owe her for helping raise me when I was a kid.
In other words, I can relate.
it's insidious. I am SO sorry.
I love that I finally have a term/name for what they did - "family mobbing". I feel so vindicated! They gather every flying monkey and send them after you in one giant wave. I used to get do frustrated I'd cry, which they then used against me. It took the Lord years to heal me enough that I would allow myself to cry when needed. They're so evil!
Same . Fucc em
I am in my seventies, and only within the last few years have i been able to look back on what happened in my childhood with a sense of forgiveness, or at least understanding. It took many years to realize that been abused. It was not until I saw one of my parents scapegoating my son that I fully understood that what had happened to me had truly been abuse. Needless to say, I pulled my son out of that situation as quickly as I possibly could.
Me too. We are strong in spite of it all and protected our children.
@@swank8183 She said she pulled her child away from that situation as soon as she recognized the bad behavior, if you read until the end of her comment. Try not to be so judgmental. People come here to feel safe and many are just learning about this kind of abuse.
I grew up having constantly to defend myself for things I did not do from a broken glass to waking up my parents. Whenever I would protest, the reply was "you are defending yourself too much for someone who is innocent". When I would calmly say "I did not do it", the reply was "you are way too relaxed for someone who is innocent". There was no way I could convince anyone I was not the culprit. In the mean time, my siblings went on with their mischief b/c they knew they would not bear any consequence. Now, the entire family wonders why I do not call or visit.....
Honestly there's no winning fr, or even coming to agreements tbh 😂
I am 43 years old and still being scapegoated . Strongly considering going no contact. I’ve tried setting boundaries, telling them how their behavior may be hurtful etc. I only ended up getting a silent treatment. Every single time.
Its exhausting! No contact is the only way to save your own sanity
Yes, going no contact will be the best step you can take for your own well-being. They will try to reel you back in with whatever manipulation they think will work, but remain strong and DON’T give in!!
So true! And once you try to call out how unfair they are being....silent treatment. It's silence with a view of punishing you for not conforming to their narrative.
43 as well. Had moved away around 20 but kept visiting as there were little siblings in the house. 20 years later the little ones have become as toxic as the older ones and have all turned into a vicious gang, insults, emotional and mental abuse and even threats of violence. I did my duty as my heart commanded and cared for them when they were innocent. Not any more though. I fled the country since a few months. I think I would've died if not, the stress and pain became excruciating, it is inhumane to submit anyone to this, even a complete stranger, much less a member of family.
I was the "family" scapegoat and went no contact a little more than 20 years ago now. Haven't looked back.
YAAAAAAAAAY ! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 God Bless . 🙏
I need to do that but still talk to my dad
Love the " " on "family"
Omg… this resonates with me. Never understood why I grew up feeling like I was resented, misunderstood, criticized and made to feel small and a burden.. time for self compassion and empathy
100% agreed. Well put together in words. we are strong.
Yes o we are strong
LIKEWISE!
Someone once told me that I was the most misunderstood people they knew. I don't know how to take that
I don't know the difference between sarcasm and real. And when I am sarcastic people think I'm mean.
I was 10 when i was in court due to my Mother physically abusing me as a child. And all my older siblings said its Nathan who is the problem in the house.... I realize now that they are so evil 👿. How can a 10 year old ruin a family household????
Gosh that just triggered me, what you said. When I told the police of the abuse that was going on, they took statements from my family and they told me my brother (Golden Child) said I was the trouble maker in the family too. So that anything I told the police was seen as not credible. I was perceived as the problem. The officer handling my case frustrated me alot more. She stated what was said and then proceeded to tell me my family was helping me and I should return home. She told me in a sarcastic tone that she believed they wouldn't hurt me. Even though they kicked me out to gain control then wanted me back but I refused to go back due to the abuse I endured... I felt so helpless, lost and also betrayed by the system.
@@ha8236 I am so saddened by your words and experience. I'm sorry. I understand, to a lower degree, what you went through and I hope you are ok now. All the best to you.
I am sorry. I understand. I had 2 black eyes and bruises, a busted toe, when I reported being beaten up by my enabler parent at the instigation of my N parent to a high school counselor,
I was told "that's just how Filipino families are"....I looked at her with in comprehension. "My father is Irish," I said. She said, "Still." She told me I shouldn't hurt my family over a single incident. She didn't know whether it was one or not. She was an older woman of color counselor - I was shocked at her willingness to let it go. I didn't know what to do. This was in the 1980s.
I'm not going to lie - when I heard she passed away, I said "good riddance". Who else did she fail to protect???
@@jspaingreene6350 thank you for your kind words, I am sorry to hear what happened to you too. It horrid when people enable behaviour that is abusive. It really does make you feel as if you are the issue and the world is against you.
@@ha8236 - Wow, what a nightmare! You are not alone.
This was so good to watch. We had lots of children and I was the oldest. I was my dad’s punching bag because I stood up to him but when I left home at 16 and moved across the country to get away, my siblings were stuck in the family system and I lost touch with everyone. I had no skills in the world and few in life but being away gave me a chance to think for myself. It is many years later and I only learned about narcissism when I moved in with one in my 50s, but I am so grateful to finally understand my crazy/sad/beautiful family. I loved them all so much but had to get away to save myself. I am really the only healing person in my family, too, so I watch them with love and distance because they see me as a trouble maker and full of psychobabble. My narc dad is now on a pedestal. It’s all been painted pretty.
I can very much relate as an oldest child with a narcissistic father. I’m glad you are doing well!
Don't sell yourself short
Pretty picture don't guarantee pretty or at least proper content
And, maybe, you find yourself a hobby, maybe hobby that demand creativity, or something else to enlighten your days and make your days happier
Good luck.!
Someone 63 years old ❤️😎💖
How happy I am to wake up and see Dr.Ramani is already taking care of me.
. This channel and viewers are an incredible source of comfort. Thank you everybody
Us too sugar, bon weekend from French Canada 🇨🇦!
I agree! 100%!
Thank you too
Psalm 28:1
"To you I keep calling, O Jehovah my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me, If you keep silent toward me, I will become like those going down to the pit."
I was a golden child and scapegoated, parentified, emotional incest. Eating disorder. A big family. I got out. I am alone, figuring it out. The family has made up a false image of me; that reinforces the false image of them. I can hear the voices, "you're so sensitive" "she's the emotional one". Humiliating. I take responsibility for myself by walking away quietly, alone.
exactly...same here
Oh my yes and without meeting you i know how strong you are..i had a large family too who did the same shit and played the same card of so senstive (9 of us kids😳)...i just turned 40 and took me the last 20 years of toxic marriage, and friendships to finally walk away from all of it.
@@plutooliver686 My story is so similar. Large family, toxic marriage and 'friends' therapy etc. I have so much trouble letting anybody in now though, I just can't seem to do it.
Beautiful Souls; so much compassion here. And, I feel more connected to this community, and Dr. Ramani than most anyone. Keep going, Shine, with Love;-)
How horrible. TRUST YOURSELF, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. Validate yourself, be your own sibling, mother, father, whatever. Keep going.
It took me 65 years to realize I'm not as bad as was made out to be.
I wish I discovered you many years ago, my life would have been so much better
God Bless you! You helped me.
Wow thanks everyone for sharing. I'm the scapegoat, too. I'm 37 now and it's been a hell of a journey but with support I am finding my feet again after a lifetime of grief.
doctor Ramani is a angel sending by God, she is saving lives, comforting souls, and helping most beautiful but harmed broken hearts in the world
Sent by Shiva or someone else...dont forget that judeochristian "God" likes human sacrifices (the lamb of god who takes away the sins of the world)
I was scapegoated by my mother all my life. I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t social enough, if she was having a bad day, she would come home and be nasty and insult me and blame me for her life. She never talked to me about any problems I was facing in my life. Anytime I tried to talk to her it was dismissed and the focus went back on herself. She loves seeing me in misery, and since becoming a mother she puts me down about not being a good mother not being as good as her. The most hurtful thing is how she turned my entire family against me, everyone loves her but no one knows the real her. My dad is no better, because he has to live with her he has to back her up and be cruel to me to make her happy. If I ring my dad on the phone, she will pick it up and say what do you want. All I ever wanted was a mother
I can totally relate to you girl 100%, youre not alone
@@jackiedgk i think she do it not inpurpose she love you but dont know how to love right because she didnt love her self well..and please no she dont like to see you in misery..she want the best for you thats why she kept critism..pretty much same like my mother..i know its hard..believe me they didnt do not in purpose..its because theirr low self esteem ..but your not alone..i am here because tired of my mother always have something to say bad about my apparance, they way i dress ..its not easy being phisically cristism all the time..its not easy to see our self positive after several time in this situation..before she also insult my personalty and often blame me and always compare me to my other siblinngs in front of them...but now it more about phisical also with comparasion to my siblings or cousins..last night she also insult my personalies and if i ask detail she confuse..ive read many quotes thats happy ppl wont make other hurt..thats also apply to out mother..their not happy with them self..before she pointing us..she sees that in her self and critics her self as well to much....
i also has kids..but last thing i want to do is critical about their look..i accept them they way the are...cherish them, love them..only sometime about the way they dress if it not inpropriate they 14 and 11 .
Btw i am here because i still dont get why ...why just me not other kids she have..why she want other kids have big confident when it comparing by me.and want them to feel like they better than me.
I do gym 14 y everyone say i look much younger than my age..many love the way i dreess.many ppl said i am kind person..
But she always say opposite..also compare with my siblings which are not gym .
If i am not gym 7 days..she have other things to say..about my look.always everytime met.
Help me dr ramani..what should i think to not care about she said.
I can relate not to mention the competition.
Stay strong, hang in there!
You are not alone. Seeing the replies helped me know I’m not alone either. We’d make a good family.
I once commented to my mother that she spanked us often when we were children. Her reply was, "Well you must have done something to deserve it!"
I have very limited contact with her.
As scapegoats, we need to know we are better and deserve better!
I can not stress enough how amazing everyone has the ability to become, despite our treatment by toxic people!
💙
Same ugh
Yaass!!!
Same. She beat me all the time. Man, she had a wild temper.
I have several memories of my parents getting a weird look in their eye when they knew it was time to whip me. Almost like it was a turn on. They hugged me after and said it was love.
Guess how this followed me and manifested in my adult life.
@@aliceinbrill it's really creepy honestly. My mother would lock the doors before my 4-5 yo sis and enjoy how desperately she cried, or do similar shit with spanking. Ik convinced such parents have a legitimate disorder
I was a scapegoat, key word “was.” I went no contact to protect my wife, kids, and myself. Best thing I ever did. These family members do have short memories. My sister was the golden child and has become a malignant narcissist. She still does things to this day for attention and they are all negative. This has opened a lot of dialogue with my wife. I have two great kids and I work in a recovery program. Living in the light. Life with joy is possible without these people. They came to me demanding access to my kids, who both told them to “get bent.”
As what should be said to those losers
I still am a scapegoat at 63 years old. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
😔💯♥️
That’s simply put. I’m sad for you and feel the same way. I do so much for my family and i feel pathetic because it doesn’t seem to mean anything.
I was badly scapegoated by my narcissistic parents and later on my sister. Everyone around them thought I was a truly messed up person who caused my family lots of unhappiness. Luckily I escaped and have no more contact with anyone associated with my early years. It does feel very lonely sometimes. But I am happy and I have a wonderful career. Thank you for validating my experiences. My parents let everyone believe I was a liar, I even believed it myself.
I'm currently dealing with the stress of leaving the family system and it is tough. The mind games at play right now are terrible
Stay strong: Prayers for you.
Me too
Stay strong. It's hard and guilt will try to get on you, don't let it. I had nanaged to stay away from my mother for 20 years, just dealt with that guilty, do to health issues I went back to help her, FORGET that, it was almost like she needed to catch up. I've come home 1186 miles from her. The relief is amazing....
There is a lot of guilt (for drastically changing the relationship) and shame (for allowing it to go on so long) when setting firm boundaries. It took a year and reading How to Hug a Porcupine' before starting to heal and forgive myself. You aren't alone in this journey and the freedom you will find will be so valuable you will only feel sorry for those still in the cycle
Stay strong, you can do it! Lots of love
Family mobbing. . Wow!! There's a name for it 🤯 I love this woman! She's helping me so much!!
One of the problems with therapy, I find, is in hyper aware of my therapists wants/needs so I will accommodate them to my detriment and then not trust them because they "needed" from me and, therefore, I can not trust them because if they are in a position of power over me (knowing my secrets) and need from me then they WILL abuse me.
I've tried over the last few decades to move past this but I've never been able to.
The differed here is I'm SEEN without the risk of being seen and I can replay the words as much as I need to so I can really hear.
I'm so grateful for this content ❤🙏💝
My friend jokes with me that it only took me 60 years to recognize my 80 year old Mother as a narc. It is never too late to walk away from abuse and a trauma bond!! Thank you Dr Ramani for your clarification and validation. For me, the isolation in exploring this journey is one of the most challenging aspects.
you are not alone - lots of good company here
"you're a scapegoat and you're still standing"
Dude, Ima use that. After all the bs i got from my parents and siblings and even threats to my life from some of them on occasion, I can proudly say, I'm still standing despite all the attempts otherwise.
"Someone saved my life tonight" by Elton John
"I'm still standing" by either Genesis or Phil Collins
"The Key" by REO Speedwagon
"I'm Alive" by SIA
Healing songs
Same
Good for you! Me too...
I simply went NO Contact with my Mother 40 years ago--best thing I even did. It was self preservation.
I'm no contact with my mother too. But she insists on turning up on my birthday. Just, no! I don't think she'll do it any more, though. Calmly closed the door in her face last year. Hope it's the last time. Just leave me be.
Omg....can you help me understand? I’m going on 2 years of no contact and am heartbroken that no one cares.
@@GodCreatedBlack It's not that no one cares, it's that they hate that you have what they crave which is genuine emotions and feelings. They hold you in contempt. Be grateful every day that you live a free life away from them. Be your authentic self. Love yourself and hold onto your boundaries. You don't need them to validate you....ever. Take care
@@sonjawilliams989 My own mother and brother...☹️ but true. I am getting stronger everyday. Thank you
@@GodCreatedBlack My own Mother and sister, so I understand. Yes, Get stronger every day without them. I still have to put up with my family and the damage she does all the time?, I wish I was you, and be able to step away or be left alone.. That sounds like pure peace to me. I wish you the best in getting stronger because you deserve it. Take care xx
My two narcissistic, multiply-addicted parents threw me out of the family for going to therapy. They did not know what was done there, but that is a threat to them somehow. I have had two Flying Monkey sisters who have vilified me for over 20 years. I went no contact. They want me back to torment me more and they have no one to scapegoat any more. They have to look at their own behavior and it's not pretty.
I was the scapegoat and left home the day I turned 17. Have been no contact ever since and it was the best thing I've ever done! I still have plenty of mental health issues due to the abuse I suffered but it does get easier over time. It is not your job to be the family punching bag - you deserve so much better!
I was a scapegoat until I was in my forties, then I heard someone say: Hurting people hurt people! The next time my father started on about my shortcomings (I was too old to beat any more), I quietly asked him, Dad, who hurt you so badly? After a short silence, he started to weep uncontrollably and unloaded all his childhood hurts. He changed after that and wanted to correct the past and often grieved that he couldn't do it. He seemed encouraged that I would tell him today can be a fresh start. Sometimes miracles happen! Thanks be to God!
Your dad maybe, possibly is not a narc. Maybe he was just another hurting soul because actual narcissistics would never acknowledge your questions and if they did, they would usually scapegoat, accuse you that you were insane or pretend that they didn't hear you. If I asked my mom that same question, she would look at me puzzled and say, something like, she doesn't know what I'm talking about even though she does.
Actual narcissistics don't show compassion or acknowledge that they hurt or that someone hurt them unless they put on one of their victim performances. And they would only do that to get more narcissistic supply, money, or to hurt you back to minimize/degrade, and/or to devalue your hurt/pain.
Amen
@@A.777-p8m Right on. Narcissists NEVER acknowledge that they are wrong. If the father was a narc, he’d have called her delusional and crazy right off the bet.
Wow - you are a brave truth teller. To have an outpouring like that suggests he's not a narcissist, and you may well have saved his life.
My whole life I was the "bad kid", so I've spent most of my life trying to prove that I'm not. It turned me into a straight up "people pleaser" and my narc parents used that to their advantage. More recently, as they were evicted due to issues with hoarding and rage, I took them in for over a year. I experienced constant tantrums and gaslighting, and was even blamed for their unhappiness. It got to a point where I became severely depressed and anxious all the time just having them near me. I finally found the courage to make them leave, not caring where they went (they're grown people, they need to figure it out). So naturally, I'm being scapegoated by the entire family system. It's "my" fault they're homeless. Going low/no contact has really helped me thrive and find myself again.
I wish I had found your videos much sooner, it would have saved me a lot of grief!
Funny how one person is "chosen" to take care of whoever and the rest of the gang can't seem to do it. Let them do it and move on, never look back.
I am 62. Was scapegoated. 2004 so almost 20 years now. Final Thanksgiving was beyond ridiculous and in front of my German BF and his super nice parents. They kept asking me why my sister was being so mean to me and did they do something to offend her and should they leave. I was mortified that this behavior was witnessed and called out by "outsiders". That was it for me. I finally moved 6 hours away and told none of them. There is LIFE after. Take your time and build your own life. Totally worth it. I love them like I love everyone but I am not allowing myself to be blamed, teased, insulted anymore.
In the scapegoat and now as an adult, I am having more issues than ever before! I have been doing my best to heal, but keep coming back to this place of nothingness. I feel so alone! Pulling myself out of this is so freaking difficult. Having no support makes it so hard to heal!
I am feeling the same way 😔
I am feeling the same way. I wish someone would be family in a healty way
I have the same issue but lately I've been listening to positive affirmations while I sleep and it's really helping. Maybe this could be something you try too. Blessings.
@Daveta Donnelly I am also the scapegoat in my family…growing up my siblings were told to stay away from me because it was something wrong with me, I was called the black sheep,
My father says at 7 I was so manipulative that I’m the reason my mom divorced him (not the fact that he had a girlfriend with 2 kids), and 2 of my siblings hate me for that
I have since cut ties with my “father” and youngest sister… I struggle with self esteem problems and feeling like I’m the devil and a no good person
At 45 years I just started counseling and I’m starting to slowly realize my worth and that I’m not devil
I wonder if we ever heal from thst feeling. Love a fellow scapegoat who knows how hard it is. I think the best advice the dr gave was dont be a victim and get a lot of therapy
"You're the problem!" - my dad yelling at me when I'm 9 years old.
Yeah right, dude.
Oh, your dad sounds just like my mom. I remember her yelling at four year old me (one of many times) while calling me a little shit and a spoiled brat . . . but in her mind she's a woooonderful mother . . . righttttt . . . it's funny how they are so similar
Jerk!
@@JoJo-ju7xw sounds like we had the same mom "You ungrateful little shit!!" 😉
@@joseenoel8093 You know his name!
777 sad for that child 😔 sending you ❤️
Scapegoated by my narcissistic father, becasue I always see right through his lies, I can't be manipulated... And that ladies and gentlemen makes you black sheep for life
yes it does....Amen
Hugs
Madam 666 - excellent comment!
"Continued to be blamed for family issues" Absolutely 💯
My narcissistic mother scapegoated me my whole life. I didn't understand what any of it was until about three years ago. Now that I know what I'm looking at, I see her doing it all the time. It just makes me sick to my stomach
I didn't have words to explain. I never talked about NM. I didn't know what to say or how to say it.
I've made so much progress. She died and I'm a brand new Person
I am Blessed and Grateful.
Me also, I didn’t realize it myself until about a year ago. Really hits you hard when you see it. I can see how they “trained” me so well for the role that I fell into it often in other relationships in life. Scary to think about how much work needs to be done so I don’t keep repeating this dynamic.
Same
My own daughter recognized and stated recently that mother has always been abusive toward me (after sharing about the Latest drama!!) - I'm 61 and my daughter 28 - I love that child - that special person in my heart and life - I and was so touched actually that she saw and said that about my relationship with my mother - it touched me so.. I was trying to defend my mother but it was so obvious - it's had me look at the situation again with fresh eyes.
THIS!! You just can't unsee it once you learn about the behaviours.
I know, that they know, that I know.
That changes everything for me.
@@corniss is it stupidity or strategy - they need scapegoats so they don’t have to look at their pathetic lives
I was targeted by my mother but my sister and 2 brothers and even my father went along with the abuse and neglect from my mother. No one ever stuck up for me. Even when I got married, to a few social classes higher then what I came from, my in-laws couldn't believe the way my own mother would talk about me. They called me Marilyn from the Munsters. Meaning I was the normal one and they thought I was the oddball. Unbelievable. I eventually did move to another state and divorced. I am still struggling with self worth and self value and I stopped speaking to my toxic family. I can say that I raised 3 young amazing men who are very close to each other and are excellent students and workers drug and alcohol free. So I can say that I did something right! Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your videos help me tremendous
Sandy Jones I get it! I’ve been going through this for almost two years now and looked for support in my brothers...FAILED. I have turned to my friends and seeking help everywhere I can... it is hard because you second guess every decision you make and the gaslighting is terrible. I really get the pain that you feel and you have given me hope in this moment of my life... hugs and love to you.
Same here Sandy. My mother did not abuse children under 7. She actually got along well with babies. But, when we turned 7 she began to get distant and abusive. I have four children and I worked very hard to make sure they grew up loved and loving. I also disciplined well. I have the kind of relationship with my only daughter that I wish I had with my mother. All of my kids get along with each other.
You are remarkable.
Wow, I wish for both our sakes, that I didn't relate. This cheese also stands alone. Unfortunately, I only have one adult daughter. About 2 years ago, she went to work at the family business. She began attacking me in texts and on the phone. I was shocked, devastated and couldn't eat. I dropped down to 99 lbs., had many falls resulting in multiple concussions and spinal fractures. Imagine, my mother's power has spread throughout the family and nearly killed me. My daughter, now 38, if fully indoctrinated into this abusive family.
God bless. I'm sure your sons will fill you with all the love that you were deprived of throughout your life.
Convinently made the Scapegoat - all of us here have endured so much - we are strong - I love you all
This video speaks to me - right down to being disinherited. Now in my 60's - I'm am in the stage of no contact and planning to move away. We scapegoats often live our lives trying to gain acceptance of our families - but we never get it - so we get caught up in trying harder. We must learn to separate from our families BEFORE they deplete us and rob us of everything.
Amen to that !
I'm 63 years old, and only year and the half ago I found about narcissism
Only now I'm able to start self-education
THEY will never change
And I have to move forward
I have children and grandchildren, but I have to start treatment from the beginning since job that I have done was out off point and miss a target
Looking to start over
Yeah, I'm living in the other country, far away, it helps
Best of lucks to you, learn to love yourself - you're most qualified to fill up a "black hole" for self-love, self respect, emphaty for yourself, only you know what kind of food or dishes you love most (for example)
With respect
And rob they will. 4 hours away wasn’t enough. They drag others in for what? Spite? Is it just a game? That’s their fun? I don’t get it.
This post speaks to me so much. I was the scapegoat who escaped, moving to the other side of the country. Not surprisingly, almost everyone has stopped speaking to me. I consider it a plus
It is a Plus
Yes! Consider it a blessing in this world where a perfect stranger could be nicer than your own narcissistic family members and their enablers.
You've probably had great success and growth. Keep going! Give it at least 3 years. Please do not speak on the negative environment you left. Also don't try to "go back", they will try to reposition you where they had you.
This is exactly what happened. It’s a living nightmare. The gaslighting....completely backward....evil. I’m never speaking to them ever again.
4 years no contact here. It’s an emotional day but I’m still thriving. It blows my mind that every time I watch one of the scapegoat videos or family scapegoating abuse, it feels like they are talking about my exact personal specific story. It is alarming that so many children are actually going through this right now, I wish this information would be incorporated into a school curriculum. Wishful thinking ha
I am my family's scapegoat. I was told by family psychologists from my early teen years that my family was making me the "patient" for the family illness and that I should move far away and not look back when I was an adult. I moved far away, but it took me another 13 years not to look back. I finally got the help I needed and with videos like this, I've been able to go no contact for 9 months. My parents still try to hurt me, but I've built a strong support system and made it significantly more difficult to contact me, which helps. I just wish there was more content about how to manage their role in my children's lives, as they keep trying to get to my kids. Outside of that, I'm doing better than I have my entire life.
Great❤️
Try your best to keep them away from your babies please.. God bless
, I was warned by our family counselor the more my mother( narc) realized I was deflecting her antics then she would go after my weakest link which was my son.
Right before she died she convinced my siblings and my kids that I was so evil, despite rising above their hateful antics they still believe the lies. I continue to focus on my blessings, my son and friends know otherwise
My brother has a kid and he made a rule that until my narcissistic father agrees to change, he will not see his grandson. My brother put his foot down and just said sorry, no contact. It's worked so far.
Don't feel guilted into letting your abusive parents see your kids just because they are your biological parents. You owe them nothing. If they refuse to change, let them feel the consequence of not seeing their grandkids. Narcissists need consequences. (I fully believe narcissists are not capable of changing though). Sounds like you're already making good choices though!
Keep them away from your kids Do't let them guilt you or History will repeat itself
I was the scapegoat. Behind my back, my father always called me "the boy", which I didn't find out till I was about 14. He hated me to the pont of telling my mother that, "that's the type of by boy that you take a gun and just blow his head off" - he made that statement right in front if me. He made it known that he didn't like me. I grew up, and finally cut him out of my life.
I am really sorry for you. Your father was sadistic. Evil. I wish you all good things.
@@donnavorbach215 Thank you, Donna. Having put him behind me, I have seen some good things in my life, as he falls apart in his.
@@gtomtec You will reap what you sow.
How did your mother stand by such vile disgusting abuse? Sorry but you deserved sooo much better!
So sorry you went through that. Glad you got away
" they feel entitled enough to believe that you will help them even though they hurt you." Boy is that accurate. I remember I moved to another state to get away from my family who scab goated me for years. No one contacted me to see how I faired living on my own for months . Then they have the nerve to ask me for over $2,000 . Smh
It’s a insidious dynamic alright 🤮🤢
Sorry to hear that... glad u are away from them
Bai tza I know that's right the same thing happened too many times that's how they use us, misuse us, and taking advantage of you. You gotta how be smarter than that because they'll do that.
Omg. Entitlement - so TRUE. Exactly right
I want to do the same thing you did. I really want to move to another state.
I went no contact with my sister 20 years ago. Recently she told someone in my network that she and her brother are in war with each other. There’s no ending this.
I was both the scapegoat and the invisible child. I tried SO HARD to be the invisible child, but since I was also an only child, I became the scapegoat. I was started on diet and exercise at age 7 for not being "slim" enough, even though I was a healthy weight for my body type. I was tormented about what I ate and such forever. I never actually became overweight until adulthood. Because of the body dysphoria, I could never lose weight or keep it off. Finally, I cut off all contact w/ my narc mother in December 2019. I have healed SO MUCH since, including the body dysphoria! Now for the first time in my life, I started exercising and I've been doing it for a month and STILL GOING! Starting to slim down. Not too worried about losing weight, but I feel so much more confident about myself. I never could have done this if I hadn't moved 2000km away and gone no contact. I have no regrets, and am continuing to heal.
My NM would brag about putting me on a diet when I was only a year old! This was against my pediatrician’s recommendation that babies don’t go on diets.🙄
I totally understand i oscillated between scapegoat and forgotten child and yes had weight issues too.I always gain weight when in relationships with toxic people, a form of self protection. Bless you friend and huge hugs,congratulations for loving yourself! You deserve it!🙏🏼💚💯
My cat says meow ("hello") to your cat.
Indeed. Once you are out of the toxic environment, that is when it becomes possible to begin recovering and healing.
You have no idea how wonderful it was to hear this! I’ve had to cut contact with my family, and even kicked friends to the curb to get away from the crazy narcissistic abuse.
I have struggled with the thought, that I must be the one that is the problem. My father was very abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. My whole life I’ve been dismissed, told that I’m stupid, that it’s my fault for anything he decides I should be. He never recognized my accomplishments or anything I did to try and make him happy.
I stood up for the first time in my life (I’m almost 40) to him 2 yrs ago. I was calm, nice and told him that I love him, but I’m not going to allow him or anyone else in the family treat me like crap. We haven’t talked since. My siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins just went silent. I had to block my brothers because of the sheer harassment and hatred that we have never had in our relationship wouldn’t stop. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is better to alone and sane then surrounded by people who use me as a punching bag! Now I’m looking to move 3 states away! This video made me feel like I wasn’t crazy!
Oh wow. I literally am dealing with final stages of this exact situation. My entire family has scapegoated me. And now hopefully it’s almost over.
Best of luck 😊🤞 going to do the same at the age of 28 thanks to such channels who helped me open my eyes 👀 quite early and I am glad I won't go on wasting more precious years of hoping someday they would change or see how terribly they treated me. Enough is enough 😢
I was a scapegoat and I survived. I’m now a mom, a licensed social worker, and I speak and think kindly towards myself. It took many years of therapy and healing, but I did it. Don’t give up! Seek help and learn to truly love yourself. You can do it.
I wish more people knew about the truth about this, and how insidious and damaging it really is. It literally nearly killed me. And I’m still barely surviving now. Scapegoated by ENTIRE family with extremely narcissistic psychopath, violent Father, within enabling covert narc mother, who slandered me to the whole world, covering her & her husband’s abuse.
Worst combination possible in “pareNts”.
I still have nightmares of them abusing me every single time I fall asleep.
I'm finally in therapy. First generation American. Was treated as an adult when I was a child, then punished for behaving like an adult as I grew up. I've cut off contact with everyone but my little sister who just had a baby.
Apparently, I'm autistic. Would've been nice if anyone cared.
Your story really resonates with mine. Thanks for sharing.
Punishing for behaving like adult 💯
Your story sounds not so different from my families one either , Glad to finally hear am not alone anymore !!
I can't find the dividing line between cptsd and autism so I call it traumautism.
OMIGAWS YES!!! "If anyone cared!" I am ADHD and I have exercise and allergy indused asthma. So I was just lazy, stupid, and attention seeking when I couldn't BREATHE. Then my brother starts having trouble in school and they were all about getting him help.
I was a Scapegoat and I SURVIVED! I’m 58 years old and happier than ever! Took me years to except that I was the lucky one and got away. My brother the golden child looks and acts miserable. It’s a sad situation but I’m FREE! Thanks for sharing your great wisdom. You have helped me so much! I listen to you ever day! Thanks again Wayne
Good on you Wayne! Better late than never!
I'm actually glad I was the scapegoat so I had to grow a thicker skin and could see the play that the narcissist parents put on so I don't feel as trapped by the family as a golden child would. At least I feel that I am good enough by society's standards and that trumped anything my parents have to shame and blame me in life.
I was raised in a narcissistic scapegoat family. I’ve overcome it by being the strong one, never bending to their abuse. I moved 3000 miles away when I was a young adult and it was my escape. Thank you for sharing.
Same story
Moved to other country
When my mom will be on her deathbed, I'm not coming, I've decided, nor her funeral. I don't need to know how she was wonderful to everyone, but me... Nor last piece of her nastiness
Only because she was so neglectful, I'm survived, but could have been more broken
I'm mother by myself and now also a grandmother.. I had myself difficult life, but it's useless to tell her cause she will argue about percentage of disability - who's higher 🤣
Good luck to you
Please be watchful, don't fall for their traps and baits
Good luck !
I was the scape goat to my narcistic family, and escaped 1 year ago at 46 years old, and also divorced a narc. Thank you for being part of my recovery.