Often times the golden child grows up to be more damaged emotionally and mentally than the scapegoat. I was the scapegoat my sister was the golden child . I think I’m more capable of living life more authenticity than my sister as a result .
I’m sure there are so many factors that come into play that we are only getting the tip of the iceberg w/ what Dr Ramani really knows re: how people turn out. 😎
Being a golden child who broke the cycle of narcissism, I actually feel physically I comfortable when people tell me I am a good person. I know that my narcissistic parent believes themselves to be a model of good personhood, and I worry that if I let myself feel confident in my kindness, it will blind me to my flaws. My therapist, who actually has taken your course, has helped me accept I am not like my mother. She showed me that if I'm a narcissist, we have to change the definition of narcissism to accommodate me, and I'm really shitty at being one. Thank you for all of this work you do. It's helped me do so much work on myself.
That was my sister. She could do no wrong. She is now even worse a narcissist then our mother. I cut he out of my life many years ago and she will never be a part of my life ever. I am the family scapegoat.
It is a shame how toxic parents can raise children who are loyal to them but don't get along with each other, causing the scapegoat to leave the toxic family environment.
I was the golden child but I didn’t know on a conscious level that all regard was conditional. I had so much anxiety my entire adulthood about failing. I felt so much guilt and shame about the idea of failing but I did not know it was my mother instilling this in me. I actually thought she loved me wanted the best for me. She was ruining my life.
I feel you, it happened to me too. Now my sister (scapegoat) and I have finally understood the family dynamics and are joining efforts to recover and lead a meaningful life. Our mother's narcissism seems to be getting worse by the day and it makes it very hard for us to move forward. Much love!
Me too! You described something very specific I haven't seen too many people say yet. I was definitely treated better at times and valued more for my good academic performance but I also never felt loved.
Life does move forward if you keep your eyes and ears and heart open. People do change sometimes along with the circustances they are all trying to survive through. My grandmother had to manage somehow with only a coal powered cook stove, a well with a pump and then only one tap indoors with cold running water at first for way too long while trying to help manage a farm while bringing up 6 children and then us rowdy used to going to school in the city grandchildren visisting her on weekends too. Since they started out in a sod house together that at first to them must have seemed like luxury.
@@FrancesShear People change but a narcissist doesn't see any reason to change. They don't think anything is wrong with their behavior. Dont hope and wish........Move On! 😐
Well, my sibling does NOT regret or feel guilty about being the golden child. She subtly participates in the abuse and attempts to pass it off as love and concern. What a crock! Thank you for the info.
I'm a former golden child. It changed when I 1. stopped performing well at school due to depression, and 2. started questioning my parents decisions and advocating for my SG older sister who I loved very much and looked up to. Unfortunately, her resentment from childhood lead to her happily participating in the bullying when our roles switched. She's pretty narcissistic herself now too. But nowadays I'm glad that I didn't keep the GC role, even though I suffered a lot. Because I do like the way I am now, and I love being free from their toxic system. Edit: typo
Wow - snap! Very similar experience in my lifetime. As an adult I kept calling out the bad behavior. At 36 I was diagnosed with a progressive brain disorder an had to end my career (became a bum). I met final discard at 40, what seemed hard is actually a gift.
@@angelasharp6869 I'm very sorry! I'm sure it was very hard to be discarded by your own family on top of having to deal with your disorder. But it's good to hear that you see the great chance your situation offers. Keep going, you're free at last. :)
Wow this is exactly what happened in my family. As the former golden child I started advocating for my scapegoat big sister, covering for her too and she turned on me out of resentment. I am in the process of withdrawing from them all, they seem to think it’s okay to individually attack me every time I’m around... just exhausted & need to take care of myself. Glad were not alone 🤍
I think toxic parents quite dislike when their child is intelligent enough to start questioning things. My mother was primarily psychologically abusive but she would go so far as to slap my face and continue doing it if I demanded explanations or questioned her.
I was the golden child but rather than getting any reward or special treatment I was pressured to achieve more , and got all the unwanted attention from my narcissistic father . It broke my spirit and I left home when I was sixteen , I have struggled all my life with low self esteem which in turn led to drug and alcohol abuse . My scapegoat brother resented me for a long time , but we had along talk about our childhood and after understanding the unhealthy family dynamic we've become good friends .
Thank you for sharing your story. It is refreshing to learn that you and your brother finally talked about the past and better understand what was going on. I don't think that is an option for me and my siblings because we tried and they don't want to believe our mother was worse to me than on them (they are a generation older than I am, they are in their late 60s and I will be 50 later this year). So it is good to hear that with you and your brother, some reparations have been possible. Godspeed on your continued healing in life.
Wow, glad there was healing.i relate to your story - I also left at 16 (athletic pursuits) but had no self esteem and turned to drugs and alcohol. Thanks for sharing
My sister was the golden child. She got presents on my birthday instead of me,the scapegoat.It is so hard for the golden child to escape the narcissist.she died at age 31 after not being able to escape the manipulation and devastation our mom brought to her life.I got away
I'm so glad you talked with your scapegoat sibling and it sounds like you understood eachother. Some scapegoats like me became alienated from the golden children / flying monkeys because they think I'm lying about my abuse.
How wonderful. Truly. I was just thinking of how people are being helped by medical professionals narrowing in on a certain issue . . like narcissism. Dr Ramini is worth her weight in Gold and then some. She hits the nail on the head over and over again. To end suffering and bring understanding . . I'm there.
I was the golden child. I grew up thinking I was exceptionally smart, because my mom praised my schoolwork and grades. It was some of the only praise I got, especially after I lost the charm of being the "cute little girl." I did well in school, not because I was incredibly bright, but because I liked being at school and away from my abusive home. My mom was just happy I could pretend to be normal around other people so as to not draw attention to her parental lacking. When I started college, I was shocked to fail my placement testing twice and be required to take remedial classes. I realized that I always struggled with reading comprehension and that my learning flaws were ignored or denied as a child and teen. I learned to fake understanding and was convincing enough to even fool myself well into my adult years. Now at 37, I am finally being treated for ADHD.
Just wanted to say thanks for writing this comment. I share the experience about school and its sad yet heartwarming to know i was not the only one and my perception was right. Im happy for you that ypu finally started to have a better comprehension of your situation.
I would guess you don’t have ADHD, but you probably have a personality type that can look like ADHD(either INFJ or INFP). Your story sounds similar to mine. When I started puberty, my mental health took a dive, and I think it was mostly due to my living situation. However, my mother loved having a “crazy” kid, because it gave her the opportunity to look even more like a caring, loving mother. And also protected her from the possibility of me pushing back against her, because if I did, she could just say I’m nuts.
The golden child often ends up being highly narcissistic themselves.They end up believing that they are more special than the scapegoat, and they enjoy being in this role because of their own insecurities. The golden child doesn´t realize that the parent couldn´t care less about them either.
When my wife announced our first pregnancy to my parents, my mother’s first response was “Don’t worry it will be a boy”. Narcissism is rampant in Indian families and is not talked about. Couple of months later we were blessed by the birth of a baby girl.
My older sister was "the Golden Child". She grew up to be a 100% exceptionally gorgeous, but 100% narcissist, 100% hypochondriac, 100% suffering from anxiety disorder, 100% dependent, 100% self-absorbed, 100% mean-spirited. She simply ignored me, I just didn't exist to her. I was the scapegoat who left them all behind at age 19 to achieve, succeed, accomplish and be whole, all on my own and via my own initiative.
I had to leave on my own at an early adult age too. My mother tried to threaten punishment and withholding attention and resources as I approached ahe 18, just because I was growing up. She thought mistreating me would make me stay and make everything up to her. But by the time I got my own place as a young adult, moving out was expedient and welcomed with open arms. Life had challenges but they were far preferable to remaining under her dictatorship. Life was nothing like the famine and disaster and death she threatened life would have in store for me with if I left.
@@IamPotato_007 you need to be strong ...she will try everything i mean everything to get you back so she can continue what she was doing before. She will make you feel guilty to manipulate you.Be strong 👍
Im truly embarrassed for my GC younger sibling. She is stunted emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I am the Scapegoat who broke all the generational curses, grew into a big beautiful butterfly. The pathological envy is outrageous with the GC they grew up believing they are the best. It really pisses them off when you heal and they can't control you lol.
My pathetic gc sister still checks on me, she tries to use her old friend to do this via my fb page.She and my mother can't handle that I have survive this pandemic without them.
What I take away from watching these videos several years removed from the abuse: I am safe and I am grateful. I think I mostly watch you now to make sure I will never be anyone's victim/scapegoat again.
Congrats on your promotion/achievement. Any long term conditions like what the medical field labels an auto immune disease? I have been diagnosed with one. I gather that it's common from these horrible messes.
Nunya Bidness - The chronic, unrelenting stress results in a lot of inflammation and manifests in myriad ways. It seems like “everyone” who’s endured long-term narcissistic abuse has developed fibromyalgia. Though you may retain some “souvenirs” of your abuse, as reflected in your health state, the longer you’re away from the abuse, the healthier you become. Slow and steady progress. But it’s difficult to impossible to heal when you’re in midst of the abuse, because you’re constantly being bombarded with such intense negativity.
I was the golden child, but sometimes I became the scapegoat too. I was bullied by my father, my brother (the scapegoat) and also by my classmates at school. I was psychologically abused. I learned that I always had to agree with my father, that’s the reason that I was the golden child. The results: I’m super perfectionist, I have problems with anxiety and CPTSD symptoms. I’m reading the book CPTSD - From surviving to thriving and I really recommend this book.
Your story resonates with me. Im also reading that book. One month ago, through some research, I found this channel "Richard Grannon Fortress Mental Health Protection". He started this channel five months ago, with some exercises based on Pete Walker's work, with his permission. If you want to check. I hope it can help as much or more as it has helped me. Stay strong and love yourself 🙂🙏 thanks Doctor Ramani for your beautiful work and kindness 🙂.
Thank you for sharing this and thank you Dr Ramani. Dr Ramani explains why in understanding and empathetic way 🥰The TV series Mr Robot 🤖 and LITTLE FIRES EVERYWHERE about being allocated a role, by a narcissist parent. C PTSD being recognised more and more. The narcissistic parenting style seems quite prevalent. We need yes private and public solutions d.site-cdn.net/6cd93335c8/a13ed7/scape-goat-teachers-notes.pdf
We don’t need golden or scapegoat children. We need children with the necessary tools to become healthy adults, and that depends on us, parents, to give them all of that. If you can't be a mature emotional parent, please don't have kids! Have a good new week! Alexandra
In an ideal world, you would be correct. However, in real life, life is messy and there is a lot of brokenness. So amongst the brokenness, maturity and emotional healthiness and the tools for that comes outside of the family unit and relational dynamics. Thank God we have that. Interestingly, all families have relational dynamics, and have familial roles, whether in a narcissistic family or not.
I am the oldest of three. I was always the golden child. Growing up I had a passion for learning so I naturally did well in school. My mom and dad boasted about my achievements while disregarding my hard work. I was manipulated into working extra hard because if I didn’t, I would be shamed for it. I would spend hours everyday working hard, reading books, and solving problems, but my parents would never acknowledge that. They only cared about the final result to boast about it to other family members. My dad was abusive towards my mom, and my mom would talk to my siblings and I about him all day long. She would mention how narcissistic and horrible he is. Turns out, she was more of a narcissist than he will ever be. I was fooled by her and always felt like he was the problem, while she was the victim. Although I admit my dad is a horrible person, my mom was far worse. For years she would look innocent and kind to the public (mostly at church and in front of family members) because she would help people and sacrifice her time and her family for it (all superficial), while at home she was very very cold and mean. I took on some of her traits because I was the closest to her as the golden child title remained. I feel so ashamed that for years I was mean and basically a narcissist myself. I learned to forgive and love myself because I was just a child thrown into a toxic dynamic. And now as an adult I have the responsibility to reshape my personality. After realizing this, I stopped telling them about anything I achieved. Sadly, my younger sister still sees me as the old “golden narcissistic child,” but I truly feel so guilty for the mean things I said in the past. I was angry, resentful, and convinced I was unable to ever feel love. I cried watching this video because it speaks so much truth to me. I hope one day my siblings will realize the toxicity that our parents put us through and I hope they forgive me for taking on some of those traits without being self aware. Lastly, for any scapegoat children reading this. I’m sorry. I know how it feels. I wish my comment gives you an insight on how the golden children think and feel. There is no excuse for becoming narcissists ourselves, but we are also survivors just like you. It is very hard to see through our parents’ manipulative behaviors. It takes so much self awareness and courage to admit we are wrong and to finally forgive our parents and ourselves and move on.
My GC brother will never have an awakening. He's far more narcissistic than my mother is and loved to torture me (I am the scapegoat). I disconnected from my mother and brother a few years ago and haven't looked back! Although I should say that I dont blame my brother, he is a bigger victim than me because he lost his identity. Ur story is inspiring, though. I hope ur siblings forgive u. U don't sound narcissistic at all ur too self-aware and compassionate.
I’m 52 and have lived with a narcissistic mother my whole life. It seems like she hops from one child to the next with golden child status. Anyhow, thank you for all your education. It has enlightened me beyond measure. I never knew there was a definition for this. It is still difficult at this age, as there is always that pull for the good things she has done. I just realized how unhealthy she has been in my life. Now that I’ve stepped away, everything is so much easier, each day gets better. I am free. There is no greater gift than peace of mind. Thank you🦋
Narcissists do switch the roles around of their children and anyone they can control, if only because they want to maintain toxic control over extorting narcissistic supply out of others.
Indeed, in some families, the narcissist cycles roles between children, my boyfriend's mother is like that. They are 4 siblings and she scapegoats them one after the other while periodically re-idealizing the one she has wronged the longest ago - therefore the most likely to have forgotten/forgiven the last offense, or so she thinks. None of them falls into the trap anymore though. My bf goes no contact, but every once in a while he receives a random message where she is weirdly friendly, and tries to bribe him with things like offering to buy him a car, while the last time they talked she called him names and said all kinds of horrible things... usually, a bit of investigation later, we find out she has started a war with one of the other siblings over something completely unreasonable, and she was actually trying to buy herself a flying monkey by dangling golden child privileges in front of him. As he refuses, she starts a war with him and turns to the next one in line... who refuses as well, and the cycle goes on.
You're absolutely right! My Mother put the status of the golden child on each one of us until puberty. Then the burden fell upon the next one. I'm the youngest so i should have served her forever. I envy my brothers there freedom.
It's clear already. I was the golden child back then because I outperformed my siblings. But in reality, I was outperforming because I was stressed with my parents and I needed an outlet where I can let out my emotions and they always took credit for my achievements. Boast it onto other people but I never really felt that they accepted me genuinely as a person. Then I started college, my depression showed even more so I slowly had bad grades, there, I was discarded then turned into scapegoat and my other sibling took the throne happily. This made me spiraled down more onto depression. Gosh. Narcissistic family dynamics is just freaking sick. Damn.
I am so glad that you wrote your story here because I was pondering whether or not in the beginning when I was very young I was The golden child and then my mother switched it to my brother and turned him against me. I wasn't sure if that was possible thank you for showing me that it definitely is.
It would interesting to find out how many golden children have actually tried to protect their less elevated siblings from the scorn and put-downs of a narcissistic parent rather than revel in their privileged status which I suggest could be the majority. I would think it was pretty rare.
Me, me, me pick me, I did stick up for siblings at times but it just fell on deaf ears. Your role is to put everyone down alongside with your covert mom, to get sick of hearing and say so, is a reason for your own relationship's with your parents to slip slide away....
Yeah I think maybe 20% of golden children tried to even out the dynamic... I definitely tried advocating for the scapegoat but she turned on me from resentment 🤷🏽♀️ oh family
Try to remember that children are not at fault for how they are being raised and prompted to behave. The accountability is solely the toxic parents until after the child becomes an adult.
As a GC, I did attempt many times to stand up for my family members and was shot down immediately with gaslighting. After a while I just shut down and dissociated through arguments until it developed into an anxiety disorder
My golden child older bro: "Why can't you just listen to Mom and do what she says?" (...as he shakes his head at me in pity) Me: "Why can't you just think for yourself?" (...as I walk away from them for the last time feeling sorry for the both of them)
I recognize this behavior. It sounds to me your brother wants to keep the roles (golden child/scape goat) as they are? Maybe he thinks being the golden child is the same as being loved? I have done a lot of work to recover from my past. Now I think my brother (golden child) is rather amusing. Let´s be true: narcissistic people can be very funny as long you don´t get triggered by their behavior and don´t take it personally. They just live in their own (made up) universe.
Anna Bee, just remember there is manipulation going on and your mom may be making your brother think she just cares about you and wants what is best for you. Your parent is probably really selling it to your brother and hides how she is really treating you.
Soo recognisable for sure. I left too. And I am both more healthy independent and interdependent while my older sibling lives 150 m away from our npd parents. She actually explained how how feels like our father programmed her body reactions as a small child to not make noises because he would flip out when we were loud and when we fell and hurt ourselves. I don't have those reactions. To me that sounds like pergatory and a really high cost not getting shitty critique that is easy to discern as bullshit once you reach your tween/teen age years and sometimes even sooner
That’s exactly it, the narcissist controls the was the golden child thinks and behaves, and deep down the golden child knows it, and they will doubt their own thoughts and behaviour for the rest of their lives and suffer with cognitive dissonance. Narcissism is a plague, and I suspect it came out from a militarised society that survived ww2
@Elio as years go by they have moments when they can see the truth, even if they don’t understand it, they’re not oblivious, they’re in denial. Either willingly, to keep their golden child status, or by the control their narcissistic parent/s have over their minds. When it comes down to it they’re also confused and definitely have their own issues. Just because they have the narcissists favour doesn’t mean it’s all blue sky’s and sweet smelling roses.
It angered me when the golden child sister refused to invite our scapegoated brother, the youngest, to a family gathering once, saying "he's so negative." Yeah, because he's had it real bad in life. She's as cold as ice. When aging N mother was lining up free service providers, all I heard was, golden child did this, and golden child did that, and you can get out of doing so much work now (assigning a false motive to me), etc. And I'm like -- yeah, good. So so glad I found these videos on TH-cam, because once you understand the dynamic, it doesn't hurt anymore, or at least a whole lot less.
Yeah. And it hurts even more when the rest of the family attends; even if they have shared their disapproval or anger about it. When you attend, anyway, you are just part of the narc's triangulatiin; a flying monkey for the narc. The rest of the family has to take a hard stand in order to stop that.
God lord is there a playbook for this shit....yup golden child did this golden child did that....etc. and then turn around and say (yup just like you said) you should be glad you don't have to do so much work and be burdened and you get out of having to do the work. But if you offer to help they control freak it, and talk shit about you. It's all so twisted.
Fascinating video. I am the black sheep and my younger sister is the golden child. Although, I know she did experienced some abuse from our mother but not as severely as me. When my mother cut me out of her life eleven years ago, she'd schemed with my sister and the rest of the family to ice me out as well. At the time, I was absolutely crushed and devastated but now I see it was the best thing ever. Life gets really hard at times and I'm still very much on a healing journey but not having those toxic dynamics in my life is helping me move forward again.
I was the golden child on and off. I always felt like I was only valued for my accomplishments but nothing else mattered. I know I got treated better by my parents when I was young (treated better by my parents, but constantly bullied by my siblings). But whenever I made a mistake I was publicly humiliated for it. It was a real wake up call for me. And that was when I truly understood the hell my scapegoat brother had gone through. I really distanced myself for a while and I have grown a lot. I still find myself feeling like I'm only really valued for things I've done. I realized I was still telling my parents when I got a positive work evaluation or a raise. So I decided that I would no longer seek their validation in anything and I would no longer tell them any accomplishment unless they specifically asked me. I'm interested to see how this goes.
Are you "married" to her ánd serving the "military" of the 100% narcissistic (psychopathic) 2% in terrorising and gaslighting the other 98%. Man you are *to* good.
Check out dads surviving divorce channel.....you can get away, heal and transform your life while continuing to be a healthy parent🙂he does coaching too
The sooner you get out of that the happier and healthier you and your child will be. Narcissists are toxic. Period. There is no negotiating dance. You are sleeping with a vampire every minute that you're there.
I often cry about how I treated my sister growing up. I only put her down to keep me up. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t perform for my father so we could all get along. I see now, she is the only person who ever unconditionally loved me. I believe she raised me. Lucky for me she forgives me and is the most beautiful soul in my world.
Spot on and very nuanced. Thank you! It was pretty obvious I was our narcissistic father's favourite. I've even been told he initially only wanted one child, but as our mother told him about her wish for a second one, he eventually agreed that "I needed company". In my early childhood, I bought into it, enjoyed being spoiled, assumed I deserved it indeed... and was a brat to my poor little brother (and even though I didn't realize what I was doing, I profoundly regret and feel guilty...). I performed well at school, I skipped a class and was diagnosed gifted, throughout primary and early secondary, I've been told parent-teacher interviews about me were always quite a delightful experience, I was good at drawing and won primary school drawing contests (and my father is an advertising designer who never passed his art diploma exam, so in the beginning I was very much encouraged to fulfill his projected dream in the artistic field...) So the trap was already set from birth, for my younger brother. The expectation bar was unrealistically high and short of surpassing me while being 4 years younger, he was gonna fall into the scapegoat position and be constantly reminded that he was a disappointment by our father. :-( As time passed, I remained in the "least worse" position, but I became less and less safe from our father's narcissistic rage and contempt and started realizing some things... I'd say it kinda matched my teenagerhood and the divorce: I started rebelling and resented him for cheating on and leaving Mom ; I started struggling a bit more in some areas of school and not nailing everything as easily - in a nutshell being a bit more of a regular kid sometimes (and I mean, he had high standards, if I brought home an A grade, he would ask "where's the +?") ; Our father started having more interest in his new relationship than in us - both our successive stepmothers and their children always made us feel unwelcome, and he allowed it ; As I grew up and started accumulating more academic and artistic success despite the struggles, he started being jealous and seeing me as a threat instead of a dream fulfilled like initially, and wanting to destroy my self confidence ; And as I saw my "state of grace" fluctuating, I started understanding how unfair being punished for not performing felt, how conditional and fake my position was, and that my brother's underachievement was mostly due to the constant tyranny he was put through, not even actual weaknesses - either way he wouldn't be less deserving of love, but the irony is he's actually at least as gifted as I am. So, with all of these realizations combined, I started taking my brother's side and defending him, which, suffice to say, my father didn't like too much either. Again, don't get me wrong, despite all this I recognize I was still in a better-ish position than my brother, overall. The contempt rarely reached the intensity, permanence and unrelentingness that my brother experienced, and there's no doubt I was still spoiled - but it felt more and more empty, unfair, and just plain wrong. I think our father used to feel a bit of guilt for quantifiable inequities when we were small (i.e. when money-wise, the numbers would have made it too obvious), so whenever he bought something to one of us, he would buy something of equivalent value to the other, or even give them the difference in cash. Buuut when it came to upper studies, he dropped that concern. I did get my prestigious private studies paid, as well as my student apartment's rent in the capital... My brother on the other hand happened to do the first part of his studies in the public system and living at Mom's, much more "cost-efficient" if you will. But when came the point when the next step of his studies wasn't available in the public system and he had to switch to a private school to continue, it didn't take one year for my father to start threatening to withdraw from paying his half of the tuition fees (which the divorce papers clearly stated he was still legally bound to pay, though) because my brother had insufficient grades in his opinion and was therefore wasting his money. Our mother, always assuming the best in people and unwilling to accept the idea that a father may truly want to do that to his child, supposed maybe he was short on money and didn't want to admit it, but reality check: our father owns luxury cars, rental property, a secondary residence... one can say he's doing pretty fine. He was just being a dick to his son. During my studies I also had alarming grades at a few points, and almost failed some years and had to take catch-up exams... yet, he never threatened to withdraw from paying his half of my tuition fees, and when I graduated, he even explicitly told me that he'd be more than glad to keep sending me the same amount of money for a while, just to give me time to start my career and settle. Instead, I worked for a year, saved enough money of my own to move abroad and then did... and then grew a massive anxious art-block and since then I haven't been able to go back to the artistic career I studied for. I hope to find my way back to it, I LOVED drawing but it's all emotionally tangled with my past, it's kind of my personal demon... I do relate to being afraid of not delivering, I often feel like a fraud. I have supportive people around me but I get very anxious when people say they are "certain I'm gonna succeed", because what if they are mistaken and I don't? What if I'm not so special and talented after all? I don't magically attract success, I've been lucky for a while, that's all. I didn't want to hear how good they thought I was, I wanted to hear that it would be okay if I wasn't.
Being the Golden Child sucked! My mom used me to live vicariously through my childhood, trying to create this perfect child instead of letting me be me. Any time I tried to be myself, I was punished. There were tons and tons of rules in place about what I could wear, what I could do, what I could learn. Age markers set up for different milestones like wearing earrings or shaving my legs. I wasn't allowed to pick my own clothes out in the store or listen to popular music until I was 13 years old. I wasn't allowed to wear nail polish or dye my hair until I was a teenager. Makeup was forbidden, too, and highly criticized even when I was finally allowed to wear it. There was tons of pressure to be perfect and get good grades. Mistakes were punished. I was overbooked for after school activities and worked to the bone, but wasn't allowed to pick the activities I wanted to do. I took lots of music lessons, but not for the instruments I wanted to play. If my mom wanted to cultivate an oboist, despite me wanting to play the flute, I was going to play oboe. Etc. etc. If she decided I was going to take Community College classes in High School, that's what I did. I was so severely punished for expressing my true self or wanting things that I developed DID at a very young age. My mom's since passed away and I'm still trying to figure out how to feel ok being me. It's really really hard. Later in life, after I'd rejected the Golden Child persona and started trying to just live a normal life, my mother rejected the notion that I was imperfect. She decided to live in this fantasy that I was perfect and amazing and wildly successful. When I'd talk to her on the phone, she wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the perfect version of me in her head. She never called me, I had to call her. She even stopped talking to me for the first 2 years I was out on my own after college because I asserted myself once over a minor issue. It was extremely painful to know that my mom had given up on me for my entire adult life because reality didn't match her narcissistic vision. My sister was the scapegoat. She could do no right. But she was allowed to wear what she wanted, listen to what she wanted, do what she wanted. My mom didn't care because my sister was the afterthought. All my mom's efforts went into cultivating me when it became clear my sister wasn't going to become a violin prodigy, etc. And, maybe ironically, my sister was the one who went on to become the narcissist. Yes, scapegoats have it bad, but don't for a second think it's great to be the Golden Child, either. Living with a Narcissistic parent is hell for everyone.
I was the golden child. In time ,I became caring older sister, today me and my teenagers sisters beacame best friends and real family despite the narcissist parents who try their best to destroy this.
Yesss I was definitely the scapegoat and my brother was always the golden child. I enjoy listening to Dr Ramoni videos daily to help with my inner child trauma.
This is perhaps the most spot on video that you've done, Dr. Ramani. Perfectly describes many family systems headed up by one (or both) narcissist parent. I've experienced it and seen it first hand with others. The narcissistic parent latches onto a Golden Child for bragging rights and validation. As the parent ages, depending on their needs, the preferred child status can switch around to whichever child is meeting their daily needs. Sets up a horrendous family dynamic for siblings dealing with an aging narcissistic parent.
I wish I could share this video with my sister. I was the golden child and I know how much she resents me for it even long into adulthood. I never wanted this, the pressure from my parents to perform and live up to the high bar they set for me broke my spirit and caused me to underachieve later on; I feel on some level I ended up purposely failing because I couldn't do it anymore. Being the golden child came with many privileges: a more expensive education, more attention, praise and recognition. But it also came with many restrictions my siblings didn't have, I wasn't allowed to have friends at all or do anything I enjoyed in case it might interfere with my academic performance and "specialness". My narcissistic mother wanted to vet all my friends for fear they might be a bad influence on me, in practice only allowing me to befriend the children of her superiors at work because it opened doors for her. She never did this to my siblings, they were allowed a lot more freedom even if it came at the cost of her praise and respect because she just didn't care about them as much and didn't feel the need to protect and nurture their potential. But it meant they were allowed to grow up to be people while I was always an object, a trophy on her mantle. I wish my other siblings understood this, the root of all our sorrow, that our abuse was orchestrated by our mother and not by one another. But as adults we aren't close and have never been able to fully confront what happened together. It breaks my heart.
I took on a golden child role, because I was my mother's first girl. I was also kept extremely close and protected, because I nearly died at birth. I was told growing up that I should never leave, because the world was "dangerous" and that men loved to hurt little blonde girls like me. My mom wanted a girl so badly, she kept getting girl clothes when she was pregnant, but she had two boys first and had to throw out the girl's clothes. The moment she got her favored girl, that baby's face came out blue and couldn't breathe, because my umbilical cord got wrapped around my throat while I was coming out. The doctor had to manually turn me around, because I was a stargazer (feet coming down first). But anyway, she held onto me TIGHTLY because of that. I heard that story several times and thought I was "special" because I almost died at birth. Sadly, I was to her in a twisted way. But the weird thing is, she also exploited me cruelly and scapegoated me too. Maybe she felt "betrayed" that her supposedly perfect little girl wasn't perfect. I wet the bed and was constantly not giving her the validation SHE constantly wanted. I spent more time with my dad (and I seriously think her accusations of him doing things to me was more out of jealousy that I liked spending time with him than anything else), and I refused to say she was the "better" parent or that I loved her more. I said I loved them both equally - how dare I! As I grew up, she would expect me to be her financial back-up. I was expected to put utilities in my name, because SHE wouldn't pay them. She would say "Your sisters need you." She knew I loved THEM. When I was really little, she'd use love for my sister to keep me quiet about the abuse around the house. She'd say if I told people about anything that happened in our house, they'd take my sister and me away, and that we'd BOTH be molested, and that it would be MY fault. She's an evil bitch. So I felt responsible for everything in that house and HER happiness so she wouldn't rage. As an adult, I DO feel like I have to prove I'm good enough. I never feel like I belong in groups, because my mom taught me growing up that I wasn't like others in the world, that I was different - not in a good way but in a way that I simply didn't belong out there. I only belonged WITH HER. The reason I didn't remain a golden child is because I had a conscience and saw her behavior as wrong. I tried to fix the family - wanted to get help. And we all know what a narcissist feels about someone "getting help". The first time I had a breakdown in high school and went to see a counselor (which I was NEVER allowed to do), she attacked me on the way home and sicced my brothers on me like dogs when we got home. I was not a narc like her or like my brother who embraced his role of golden child in its sense of being "better" than others. I could never believe I was better, could never treat my other siblings badly, and always felt the need to stand up for my scapegoat sister when my mother tried to use me to triangulate against her. She'd just get this empty smile and say, "You're so sweet..." It always made me sick and want to say, "But she doesn't DESERVE to be treated like that!" But I was scared to say anything. I remember my mother when I was older calling me her "good girl" with that same disgusting smile. She knew that in the past she had attacked me and had me subservient. Because "good girl" just means subservient to her. As for me validating her through things like performance, I was always intelligent. I did well in school, wrote poetry, and wanted to go to college. This is interesting - while she would talk up my education when I was younger and talk about how I was going to get a good job (and believe me, that lazy bitch wanted me to support her financially when I got older and certainly DID have her kids do that for her as we got older), when I nearly had a scholarship to go to college that a teacher of mine nominated me for, she went bugshit crazy. She got ANGRY and lashed out at me. Twice in my childhood I nearly had these, and both times, especially the one I got in high school, she retaliated and claimed I couldn't "afford" college, that it was "too far away," that the world was "too dangerous" for me to go out into it. She wanted me to quit school so I could stay home "with her". And I ended up doing that, because she had me believing I wasn't good enough to go into the world or that I was too poor. I got derailed in life - ended up with the first in a line of abusive narcissist men. Her "golden child" she claimed was so smart wasn't allowed to succeed in life, because SHE never succeeded in life. She quit school at 16 herself to get married and is slow. But she's definitely good at manipulation for being someone with a low IQ. She manipulated the hell out of me and even as an intelligent, self-aware adult, I had to go through looking crazy to everyone else and feeling crazy myself from emerging from all the gaslighting all my life and conditioning that all love in my life was conditional. I eventually got my education up to a masters degree, but I am very stunted in life because I don't have the confidence. Sadly, if I had become a narc like her, I might be more successful. That's how messed up the world is.
I very strongly relate to your story. My mother held tightly to me because I was her last child. Complete smothering, chronic invasions of privacy, threats of a terrible life unless she was in it, and because I'm a male, continuous flirting and sexual innuendos and covertly incestuous mannerisms. And lots of her nonstop screaming and yelling without permission to react, I had to stuff it all. She even viewed my female adult relatives and my grade school teachers as competition and would make me uncomfortable asking me if they ever "touched" me. She knew they didn't but it was her way of coercing me into mistrusting even their smile. But along the line I figured things out on my own, home life with mother was the only miserable place, everywhere else (namely school) was pleasant and rules were respected and never changed, and there was happiness everywhere else. My mother accused me of hating women, but what happened was I learned the vast majority of women were not like my mother. Everything backfired and she discarded me. She now clings to my older half-brother who is nearing 70 years old with one foot in the grave. My life knew healing after I got out of the toxic environment.
I can relate. I think I was the Golden Child because I was my mom's first girl, too. After talking to my older brother recently, it seems he didn't go through nearly what I did, because my mom was trying to craft the "perfect girl" in me. Your story reminds me of Rapunzel from "Into the Woods". Your mom's "the world is dangerous" thing sounds like the Hermit archetype of BPD.
Weird haha my birth was very similar. Was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my throat. When they cut it I apparently gasped for air, accidentally breathed in the fluid and almost choked to death. Can relate to your story a lot.
When I went to my former partners house his parents were bragging non-stop about him!!! I had a feeling this was highly unusual. He is 35 and moved back in with his parents and his parents are turning their garage into a studio for him. Totally spoiled and enabled him saying he was just smarter than everyone so everyone needs to bow down to the altar of him. I realized there was a high level of emotional enmeshment with his mom which is a form of emotional incest. So he can never really have a true intimate relationship with a woman because he is married to his mom in a way.
Oh my god I could have written this. I noticed very early as well how my in-laws would brag about their son. It wasn’t in the normal way, I mean they would go on and on and speak about him as if he was the smartest best person in the entire world and that I just possible couldn’t fathom his specialness. They would constantly recount stories of when he was a toddler and the praise that their classmates in graduate school would say about his drawings (they brought him to school with him). In contrast his sister was barely mentioned at all. And anything that was seen as wrong by others they would say they just didn’t understand how special he was. He was 36 at the time and living in a townhouse a mile away that they purchased. At the time I was weirded out by it, but just thought I was missing something and they were just a close and loving family. Now I understand it for what it is. Our 4 year anniversary is a week away and we are separated. He is deeply enmeshed with his family. Deeply. Not once did we spend a holiday alone together, and he felt the need to defer to them for everything. I was like a third wheel. It was expected we be at their place minimum once a week, though for a period when his mom had a bad cold we went every single day for a month. When I finally started to stand up for myself things got nasty. Since it sounds like you were in a similar relationship I’m sure you can imagine. I wonder how many golden children become enmeshed, and how many enmeshed children become terrible spouses. And I was the scapegoat in my family …I wonder how many golden children marry scapegoats and then scapegoat them. Alas. I am so looking forward to being free of all this. Thank god I see it. Better late than never.
I was the Golden Child to my mom, the Invisible Child to my dad and, now, Handmaid and Scapegoat to both. Hooray for getting mixed messages for over 3 decades.
I got to be both the golden child and the invisible child and only broke out of this state of mind after leaving the house for studies and realizing the expectations put on me were destroying my health. The result of that is, I feel like my mind was born when I was 20 with no idea how to feel, how to desire, how to trust, how to plan, how to connect and truly terrified by any form of intimacy. 20 years later, I'm still drifting lonely and aimlessly through life. My sister who was the scapegoat child managed to find substitute mothers with actual empathy far from home and even though she obviously has scars for life, she still managed to build a beautiful family of her own. I'm happy for her.
My narc Mother's "Golden Child" the oldest, past away at 35. It was only 2 of us, so she automatically made my oldest son her new GC. She needs someone to place ahead of me to make me feel bad. It doesn't work because I'm so immune to her.
@@godsrabbit9452 I've tried. He's an adult now. He moved with his dad (a dangerous abusive narc) when he was 17 bc he totally turned him against me. My son always yearned for his approval/love so he would do anything his dad told him to do to take me down. My ex and mom want me to hit rock bottom so they use him to get to me. So I gave up bc he was on their side and it was hurting him more than me. Those 2 got it coming. I'm just waiting so I can reunite with my baby. 😩
The oldest child in our family was always the GC and the youngest the SG. Due to age differences and a move, I ended up transitioning from SG to middle kid at age 4, then to GC at age 8. Craziness.
UPDATE: my baby contacted me last night. We talked for 3 hours and we're going to meet up next week. I manifested this. I am so grateful and happy. 😄😀😁😄
Thank you Dr Ramani. As my birth family's scapegoat, I do need to understand this content so I can not only further my understanding of myself and my family members but also to allow my freedom to outshine my abuse.
GC here both because of early achievement and because I'm male in a traditional culture. When I tried to become independent in my twenties I realized that I had no sense of identity. I gradually took on the failure role and got mental health issues and a physical disability. I struggle with guilt, low self-esteem, shame and a pretty constant sense of doom. Haven't managed to get out of the enmeshment mess and now well into my 30s guess who I'm living with? (my parents) Golden child for the win! I think my failure to launch is what my narcissistic parents always wanted. I actually kinda wish I was a scapegoat - my scapegoat sibling didn't have it easy but always had more Independence and a stronger identity than I do. She had nothing to lose, so she went off into life and did her own thing. The Golden child is actually trapped in a golden cage that sucks away his freedom, stunts his spirit and leave him prisoner for life.
I resented my Golden Child brother so much growing up. As an adult, I realize how much my narcissist parent played us against each other and set us up not to be close. He’s still closer to her than I am and has pushed me to talk to her whenever we weren’t speaking. We never really talk about family stuff, but it was eye-opening on Christmas when he came to town, stayed with my father, stepmother and myself pretty much the whole time and was only gone for an hour when he went to see her. The drive there is about twenty minutes each way, so he couldn’t have spent more than 20 minutes with her. I also now realize he’s struggled a lot with depression and often seemed super unhappy. This started in his early teenage years. I always felt he never understood what she did to me, but now all I do is wonder, “What the hell did she do to HIM?”
I was the golden child growing up due to my achievements. I was also introverted and obedient so I was seen by my narcissistic parent as easy to control- even though I constantly expressed my pain at how my scapegoat sibling was treated. The only benefits I ever got was praise and not being abused to the same degree. The moment my narcissistic parent saw that my success would mean my independence and their loss of a future "indentured servant" serving their every need (because they knew my sibling would never stick around) was the moment they tried to destroy my future rather than continue the praise.
Once again, right on target. Hispanic family here, I'm the scapegoat (being female) and my brother is the golden child. It was like we were raised by two totally different mothers. The funny thing is that he is also "indifferent" to her narcissisms, so that's cool. He was pretty narcissistic himself in his youth, but as a grown man he has become a very decent person. He is also a good brother to me. I am grateful for the two of them getting along because while he lives close to our mother, I am able to be 3,000 miles away from her. *These videos are amazing. It's like you know my mother! Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I feel like I was the golden child my entire life until I was 17. I didn't want to play basketball anymore because I was being bullied but my narcissistic parent wanted me to remain because it gave them a source of narcissistic supply. Then I joined the military and I was golden again, but then I got a chronic illness due to the stress of upholding unrealistic expectations my entire life and due to that illness I "loss my attractiveness" in their eyes, therefore I'm no longer golden. I'm an only child and now 25. Going to therapy and realizing my parent is a narcissist has helped me tremendously because I realize that it's not about me it's about them. If I am enough to myself that is all that matters to live a happy and fulfilled life! I still love that parent and have them in my life, however I no longer try to meet their expectations. It has helped quite a bit. As always thank you for your videos! 💜💜
Good on you for gaining clarity and working past the limitations from your family structure. Dr Ramani IMO provides a wonderful source for many of us to gain understanding and strategies for navigating our family messes. One thing to consider is maybe it wasn’t about you AND maybe it wasn’t about your narcissistic parent either (from a generational perspective). Your parent “suffers” from a lack of empathy and due to their family role could never achieve (with no circumspect or motivation to evolve) freedom from THEIR family structure. Call it generational curses or patterns, these limitations can be so difficult to break free fro My mom was the martyr, the covert narcissist, that always pitted my GC brother and I against each other. She has passed and only years later am I waking up to the breadth and depth of the messy dynamics of our original family. What if our crazy family stuff isn’t a curse but an opportunity to choose health and happiness for ourselves AND to heal the generational family - i.e. we find a healthier way of relating to the people we love and we consciously choose not to pass down our family crap to OUR children? Breaking tradition isn’t easy and it always pisses off the ones most insecure (afraid to give up their role because it threatens their sense of well-being). I’m not dismissing the trauma or emotional pain, but what if there weren’t really any good guys and bad guys in this life movie, just people playing their parts? Just wondering.
My dad summed up his feelings succinctly in the nicknames he gave me ("Knot Head") and my brother ("Boy Wonder"). My "golden child" brother became an insufferable narcissist, Dr. Ramani, and 11:40 minutes into this video, you nailed it! ENTITLEMENT, PRIVILEGE and DOMINATION!! For years, while our parents were still alive, he tried asserting dominance by giving me the silent treatment. When I had had enough of his abuse, and began refusing to attend family gatherings where he was included, guess who got vilified by our clueless parents! ME. More recently (2006) he and his lawyer re-wrote my mother's will, after she'd been stricken with Alzheimer's and become senile. That original will would have split her estate evenly between us, free of trust, for us each to utilize as we saw fit. Our mother was coerced into signing this piece of crap that put MY half of that estate into a trust, with my brother getting his half free of trust without strings or restrictions. He simultaneously positioned himself as both Trustee AND "heir" (I'm without children), making his two kids my "heirs" after HIM. Long story short, after twelve years of this nightmare, our case has finally gone to court. It's not finished yet, but it's looking like ole Douchebag is getting his smarmy ass whupped, because the judge has not shown him the sympathy he assumed he had coming. He's already been removed and replaced as trustee, and in less than two months I'll know if that arrangement becomes permanent, as I'm expecting it will. LONG OVERDUE. People like this need to get brought down to size, the sooner the better. Without this inheritance, I would have to work until I die. I have had my fill of narcissists. My family is contaminated by narcissism; my brother isn't the only one. I can smell one a mile away, and they STINK. Consequently I have been estranged from my blood family for years, without regret. Who the hell needs THIS?!!! Seriously. My husband and I have had to struggle all our adult lives on the margins of society, making do on minimum wage bullshit jobs and/or freelancing as self-employed window cleaners, while my brother and his wife have enjoyed an income in the six figures. They own two homes in California: their main residence is in an expensive neighborhood in bourgeoise Orinda, their vacation home at Lake Tahoe; and his drives a fucking Tesla! Yet they think they have a right to sacrifice my retirement to make themselves even richer. My attorneys and I have got news for THEM. And when this is all over, I will see to it that my brother is out of our lives forever. Any letters he sends me will be returned unopened, any e-mails I get from him shall be deleted. The culture we live in is a psychopath's paradise. Narcissism and psychopathy are encouraged and richly rewarded in this culture. I think this can be blamed for most, if not all, of our political & social problems in this society.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! I was waiiiiiiiting for this epsiode:)...This describes my narcissistic, covert husband and his family dynamics to a t! He is the glorified golden child always put on a pedestal with no tangible talent or achievements to back it up. He is still the most celebrated golden goose who is supremely entitled for receiving all the praise from parents and extended family members, while his sister is the perennial scapegoat. All this and more while none of them have a clue about who their covert, narcissists son/ brother is behind closed doors. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for throwing light on the golden child family dynamics.
I know all about the "Golden Child". My narc Dad alternated between my sister and I as to who was the Golden Child depending on who was away from home. When I went off to college it was me who could do no wrong. "Why can't you be like your brother". When my sister went off to college it was "Why can't you be like you sister". When we both separately left we were both the black sheep. Can't ever win at that game.
@Mystery Rosebud We rely on our faith and our Mom who loves us both unconditionally and our friends. We realized early on that our father was never going to be there for us. You know what, we don't need him. It's difficult having toxic people in our lives. Please remember that you never did anything wrong. Good luck to you.
I was the golden child growing up, I was the only girl and the youngest. My mother loved the attention and praise for my singing in church. One day I told her I was done singing and she went into a complete rage. Now my brother is her golden child. I know being the “favorite” is a curse and totally conditional. I actually feel sorry for my sibling and have gone entirely no contact with my mother. Which was and is the best choice I’ve ever made in my life 🙌🏻
How you keep comunicating with your sibling after no contact with your mother? Or you cut them bout? I’m in an urge to go no contact with mom but im afraid of losing my brothers :(
Being a golden child for my narcissistic father and a scapegoat for my narcissistic mother lead me into years of mental illness. I am just lately becoming conscious of the narcissistic family dynamics.
I'm the golden child in my family, but i really don't like this situation. I feel bad for my big brother whenever him and my mother fight, because she always compare him to me. So most of the time after the fight, i said to my mother that comparison does no good than harm, we are different anyway. But with my brother, i'm not really close to him, so i can't talk about my mother with him. It's understandable if he hates me. I'm still figuring out how to discuss about it, because i know it's not his fault. Sometimes my mother put too much expectation in me to be this 'perfect' kind of girl, she wants me to do some things that i don't like just to please her, as if i'm her doll. I feel what my brother feels, because we are fighting the same thing, my mother's expectation. When my mother is in front of others or when she needs my help, she turned to be really kind, which is start to make me realize how fake she is. I've been learning about her, so whenever she 'smalltalks' me i know she wants something and i ask her straight away. But i still try to understand the situation, because i learned that my brother is a narcissist too. It's hard to be in a family with a narcissist, but i know we can learn about them and can treat them properly. Fighting guys!😊💕 And thank you Dr. Ramani, all of your videos is really helping for us.
I became a golden child of my narcissistic dad after my parents divorced, I was very smart at school, so my dad took keen interest in me and treated me very special while mistreating the rest of my siblings ( being an empath, I stood in for them several times and gave them a lot of support because I didn't even understand at that time the meaning for everything). He even redrew taking care of most of my siblings including my step siblings while he paid huge amount of money for me to do a specialise program at the university. It created a lot of envy and jealousy amongst my siblings towards me even though it was hidden. Fast forward I developed the passion to do something different from what I studied in the University and that was when everything changed.. I became the scapegoat overnight and my elderly who has always been secretly jealous of me while pretending previously to be a favourite of mine started an aggressive campaign against me because I guess he wanted to be a golden child so bad.. Everybody hates so much now and seem to want to justify their resentment towards me all these years to the extent of ruining my relationship that was almost leading to marriage...The toxicity is so much, he has turned my whole family against me with lies that I can't even defend. My father has also threatened me to pay pack what he spend for my education. They both sabotaged my marriage to a wonderful person and I feel that they will stop at nothing to see me destroyed..
... your feelings are 'spot on mate' ... they will stop at nothing... they envy ur ability to Love and to be content ... with simple things in life... it confuses them .... love, contentment, empathy .. they see these things as a weakness, to be exploited. run fast, run far far away..... x
Yes! I love this because it connects a lot of the dots. "The favored child brings esteem and validation to the parent", and thereby meets an ego need which surpasses the need to be fair to all the children. Thank you. It provides another piece a place in the puzzle of my life. But just because my parents did not show any value to my skills does not mean that I don't have any and am a failure. Yay! Now all I have to do is convince my self of this. I don't have to be "the screw-up" anymore and strive to prove that I am not what I am not. I can just be myself around people who like me just the way I am.
I was a GC b/c my narcissist parent named me and I looked nothing like them (I was also kind of the ghost child). Then, I came out as bi, and struggled with the same issues my narcissist parent struggles with; that's when I became the full ghost child and one of my siblings was given that GC role in order to "spite me" (it didn't work). Now that I faced my issues and began doing well in my life, the narcissistic parent is trying to make me the golden child again. that sibling who was temporarily the gc, who is also a narcissist, has taken it out on the scapegoat (our other sibling) because I implemented grey rock with them. I still live with them all, but I stopped interacting and sharing things with most of them and I'm just trying to save up and get my post secondary education in order to get away and restart my life again.
*I'm a fourteen year old scapegoat in a narc system led by my narc mother. She speaks a lot of herself, and I have high suspicions that she also grew up in a narc system, as the scapegoat.* She was physically punished by my grandpa for things her sister (my aunt) did, called the ugly one all the time, and given less resources and love. The thing is I've heard a lot that scapegoats are those who are more likely to recognize their parent's craziness, escape, and be better. My mother never did. Instead, she believes my grandpa was a great parent (despite all the abuse she received) and imitates him by abusing me and my father. She's a malignant narcissist, and a very sadistic one. On the other hand, my aunt, who was obviously the golden child doesn't seem like a narcissist to me. She has some tendencies like disregard for other's feelings, but she's not that entitled and she isn't sadistic at all. I love my seven year old sister, I and am perfectly conscious that she is the golden child. Even though, I doubt very much she will pick on narcissistic traits at all. She has a kind heart and I'm like a second mother to her since my father separated. I myself was the golden child until my father left, when I was six, so i understand her.
How did you realize the truth at such a young age? My child is 13. Her father is a narcissist and I wish she would gain this clarity about what's going on in her life. She is so confused.
@@intelligentdeals9869 I'm gifted, supposedly my mind is 18, but my emotions are still 14, so I suffer too. I found this woman's videos on TH-cam and said, "Hey, that's my mom!". I was already suspicious she would be machiavellian or something. I recommend you tell your child, because before I found out I blamed myself for everything and almost went crazy. Knowing the truth was such a relief.
You do indeed have a lot of insight & emotional intelligence for a 14 year-old. Your siblings are lucky to have you. Hang in there - this is a brief snapshot in your life and you can have a happy, fulfilling future ... your attributes will serve you well in life 💜
My recommendation is to do well in school, keep busy out of the house, gray rock-it, and get out to college or a job away from them as soon as you graduate. Move out as soon as you can after high school. Start planning it now. Then build up your relationships with your siblings out of the purview of your mother and keep it on the down-low.
I fired my parents when I was 12, my message towards you is, you have no obligation towards saving that "household" what you do have is your time your life and that means, as long as you recognise the good from the bad, you still develop your own sense, don't invest to much of your time into their reality (because it will hold you down, and the world is moving on.) People are not interested mainly in these so called stories, until you know there is something to say at the right time (most of the time it's not), this, as weird as it sounds will not help you, you can only help yourself, control or change. The way I got away from it, was surround yourself with "healthy" ppl, so what does that look like? (reciprocal(not one way streets), do not get involved with high conflict peeps, keep yourself going surround with consistent sound individuals.) This will take time, give yourself that time, you have the right to do that. Into your spotlight.
I was the golden child. Truly, I achieved beyond even my wildest dreams. Luck would have it that my brother is 10 years older and was physically abusing me likely due to his scapegoat status in my teenage years. He'd hit me, shake me awake at night and call me names....In my adulthood, I escaped the family dynamic entirely. Refused to take part in the little game. I was well on the way of becoming a narcissist myself. However, the physical abuse and complex PTSD took me right off that course. It took me years to escape the toxicity. In fact, 36 years.
Thank you for your videos and counsel, Dr. Ramani. Your wisdom and insights are crucial. My covert narcissistic mother actually "rotated" the golden child/ scapegoat status between my brother and me. When he was a toddler and preschooler, wholly dependent upon her and giving her plentiful supply, he was the golden child, and I the scapegoat (I was quite a bit older). When I went away to college, and he was in middle and high school, things switched, and she suddenly used my successes as fodder to tear him down. The worst part was that it poisoned the relationship between my brother and I. The characterization of love as conditional is spot on. That was a lesson deeply ingrained in both of us.
My younger sister was and still is the GC in our family and I was the scapegoat. That dynamic almost destroyed me completely as I have spent too many years trying to win some sort of love and attention from my mum and sister. I have finally given up on that attempt as nothing I did was ever good enough. My GC sister grew up believing that she must be better than me in ever aspect of our lives. A few months back I went through a very traumatic experience and need space and time to process what I was dealing with and this particular act set off the most upsetting train wreck situation as they felt that no matter what I was dealing with, I was suppose to put their needs before mine. The very idea that I even tried to put myself first for the first time in almost all my life has brought out the beast mode in both my mother and sister. With every accomplishment on my side, I have had to deal with snide remarks from them. As far as they are concerned I am only entitled to scraps not great achievements. I had to finally decide that for my sanity sake to go no contact with these two. They are on a smear campaign as I speak right now. Telling everyone how much a bad person I am. I just want to be left alone henceforth. I am completely exhausted from trying to please the people that I thought as family should be on my team. I wish the the very best and hope I won't have to have anything else to do with them again
I just learned the golden child term from a co-worker, I'm taking my time to view your videos. This is very impactful especially to me; I have been trying to figure my problems on my own free time reading therapy/psychology of the human mind. Thank you for this! I want to share this to my brother as we have this dynamic in our family.
My mother was a scapegoat, her sister the golden child. She was abused her entire childhood by her father, who raised both children alone after her mother died of cancer. He was evil even past his death, leaving his entire fortune and estate to her sister and leaving her with nothing at all. It's like something out of a movie...
What about the "Golden Disappointment" dynamic? I.E. the parent intended for you to be their their chosen one but, you just couldn't meet their expectations. I've never heard anyone speak about this.
This is my brother. I’m the good girl- the”” last hope”. My mom told my brother they were leaving everything to me. Tanks, Mom. My oldest brother was ignored, one was the disappointment and still is now he won’t even talk to me.
I feel this! When the roles start one way but they switch. For others I've heard about, it's when the stress of being the GC gives you anxiety or mental health issues or some other reason that you can't project perfection anymore. You learn then how conditional it all is. It messes you up for a long time.
This video really got to me. My mom was the master of this. As I learn more about narcissism I realize she not only had mental illness (psychosis) centered around religion when she wasn’t religious at all- she also had narcissism before and after. My brother, who’s deceased (died by suicide) in 2011, would call her regularly while away at college and IIIIII tried to keep a solid relationship going with him when I got a cell phone, I made sure we had each others numbers. Occasionally we’d text and I’d ask how he was in Florida. I was already very happy but growing up, my mom liked to isolate us and make us fight. Once I heard her talking on the phone at home with him. Before signing off she said, you mean Genevieve - your sister?.... oh ok, bye bye!’ Then he called me . I remember my shock at hearing her act like she couldn’t BELIEVE we’d be friendly .....she wasn’t happy, didn’t say anything warm to me or him, just hangs up in silence. I was thrilled he was open to getting along with me as adults, and still, even then, both of us in our 20s, she spits some bad attitude about it. Poor thing eventually stopped contacting me at all and relapsed on drugs then commited a violent suicide the day after he was dishcgared from the hospital. She never shed a tear, unless it was to make herself seem like a loving mom. All the loving things she did for him apparently, she’d tell family THEN start a little cry moment. How she poisons everything.....people like this ARE AS DANGEROUS AS DRUGS AND ALCHOHOL ......she runs on toxicity, his suicide was just more fuel for her soulless fat moral debauchery. I’m glad I could get away from it and find other attachments/reading about Buddhism. I’m very sad my bond with my brother was broken or couldn’t develop and she’s mostly at fault for that. He was just her pawn. They don’t see people as people, even their own children!
I have to laugh at this statement made by my narcissistic mom, she actually said that "all I ever wanted was for you and your brother to get along," when clearly her intention was to distance us. Unfortunately, it still remains today. I rarely speak with my brother.
Scapegoat here. Younger sister was golden child. When she went to uni, I thought she had got away with it, meaning that she learned about the dysfunction in our family and got ‘balanced out’ if you like. But she ended up moving back in with our parents. She’s gradually got more and more entitled, rude, and lacking in empathy and I can’t stand to communicate with her now. She keeps sending me photos of all these new clothes she’s bought and saying how people in her work ‘don’t care’ about coronavirus with laughing emojis. I’m a teacher and have seen just how much people have been impacted and can’t believe what she’s saying. She’ll text me with a long list of grievances about how she’s being mistreated in work then not reply when I say something neutral and grey rockish about my life. It’s sad to see her go down the route of my parents. I know it only brings misery. But now it’s time for me to distance myself for my own protection.
Relate to this, in that I started to realize my mother was a narcissist during a discussion about pandemic-related issues. I started talking about a certain policy I thought would help working people and she said something to the effect of, “Well, I don’t really care.” I’m the political black sheep of my family and even my much more loving father and I fight about it a lot, so I’m used to disagreement, but having a disagreement about how to go about something is not the same as just not caring. In fact, she didn’t even disagree with me. She just DIDN’T. CARE. It was shocking. I remember realizing-for the first time ever, which is embarrassing at my age-“She just has no empathy.” I left the room because was so disgusted. THAT she cared about. She was in the middle of discussing her groceries or something and my walking away was “disrespectful”.
I think I've been a golden child, and never noticed... I'm my grandparent's favorite, my mother may be a benign narcissist. I've grown up with an awful sense of codependency and lack of self worth. I became an artist - something both my grandparents and parents wanted for themselves earlier in life & encouraged. I ate the attention up, to be left with the feelings that I was only loved because of my art... so I made art to please them, not myself. 13 years of hollow feelings and I'm waking up to the reality that I'm not creating for myself. I question who I really am, and if I should even continue creating some days.
Being the golden child is tough also. You are only loved as long as you do what your parents want you to do. Choosing a career, a spouse, friend... it all comes down to obeying their choices. Having a sister who is a scapegoat also causes a lot of guilt and elicits envy and jealousy from your sibling which is a double whammy. My scapegoat sister is now a flying monkey which makes it harder to talk to her.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for doing these videos. You have helped so many people. You just don’t know how life changing these videos are to some people.
I was the oldest and the scapegoat while my younger sister, the Golden. She tried to get close to me after our mother passed but she never had my back and it was the two of them and me. I have done a lot of work on this. I don't know how to engage with her now. She wants me to feel sorry for her but with all the years of being an outsider, I can't do it. Thanks for comments.
The truth is: you can not avoid flashbacks. It is somerhing happening subconsciously and even automaticly within your brain. Rather try to radically accept what you relive and mache - for the first time in your life - acknowledge what you went through. Perhaps you have to dismiss the old thinking of what seemed so worthy to achive, and what made you worthy... please notice:I am gerrman and my english may sound harsh. But i never entended to harm you.
@@leslee7059 I feel you.....them and me. Always on the outside looking in. Never being good enough, ni matter what you accomplish. It like a bad episode of mean girls.
This was so illuminating. As the scapegoat + the eldest (…tl;dr), my siblings and I all understood, hated and yet accepted/normalized/intuited our roles in the family dynamic. As adults we can't help but struggle + chafe at where it's left us and where we are in navigating our relationship today
I was a golden child, and my first son was treated by his grandma as a golden grandchild. We both felt terrible for the others (invisible) family members and both held a bushel over our light because of that. It was terribly confusing. We felt the need to balance out the unfairness, but you simply can't win in it. When you cut yourself back, it feels like a charity to the victims, they don't like that either. What really helped me is to understand, that we all must (and only can) make ourself happy. We can't make each other happy, its an inside job, no matter on which side of the unfairness you stand.
I was probably the closest to "the Golden Child" except EVERYTHING I did was wrong. I had to get the highest grades, be in every club, every sport, cook, clean, raise my siblings. If I slipped up on ANY of these things I was beaten or worse.I was paraded around like a well trained show dog. None of us were treated very "golden" but I was the one that shouldered the burden of making her look good. Although, I'm sure I would've been treated more "golden" if I shut up and listened 😂 I would always protect my siblings against her. I would never let the "invisible child" feel invisible. I wouldn't let her pin my siblings against each other (her favorite manipulation tactic). And I would call her out on her BS every chance I got. But unfortunately for her, she couldn't knock me off my perch because I worked my ass off in school, sports and clubs. But I did it for my siblings not for her.
I was the golden child for all my childhood because I had the best grades. I got the best education and even my siblings would say that I was the brain of the family. However I never felt recognition, only was pressured to keep having high performance. I think the roles switched when I started dancing, which is one of my passions, and my parents were not ok with it. Then life was even more difficult for me since the financial support got lowered because I was doing what I loved. My brother was the scapegoat and he grew up being jealous of me. I left my parents house 10 years ago but he and my two sisters stayed. I feel that even when I was the golden child I had a lot of scapegoat treatment because I never felt good enough for my parents anyway
"Feeling bad because the parent(s) have done so much for you"- that hit me. That cognitive dissonance and confusion is difficult to grapple with. Breaking out of the golden child role and being and acting authentically you takes so much courage but is completely worth it.
I have always been the scapegoat. Weird how one of my parents favored my stepsibling as a goldenchild, but acusing me of all sorts of B.S., projecting alot. My stepsibling then turned out to adopt that toxic lifestyle of an addict, while I was always acused of doing drugs. Not that I am a functioning person at all, but I did never do any hard drugs. They have all cleaned up now I guess, but the goldenchild image seems shattered. Pretty sure that the parent is clinging to the scapegoat thing, even if it has been proven to be wrong in so many ways. Now that they need my help, not the other way around, it is hard to be the bigger person, but I have always been that kind of guy.
I was the scapegoat or black sheep. Interestingly my narc dad said to me when I was an adult that I was the strongest but the most vulnerable When i was a kid he used to tell me he would break my spirit. I was determined he would not
Good for you for not allowing him to break you! My mother would say similar things to me as I was growing up. I'm the scapegoated black sheep as well. I was naive due to my innocence and being a doormat. When she couldn't control me, she labeled me as "demonic", "bitch", "c*nt", "witch", etc.
I've watched many of these videos lately, and Dr. Ramani has described almost everything to a tea ... I'm 50, and her words make me cry because of their accuracy, from truth teller, conflict, rumination, chaos, gaslighting, triangulation, resources, Golden Child, sibling rivalry, conditional love ... expectations, vessel of aspiration ... grief, shame, guilt, hate, anger, rage ... denial ... etc ... crashing, confusion, illness, depression ... development of personal narcissism ... seclusion ... honestly, at 50, helps me heal from the things I did not understand.
i always knew something was off with my dad, something just wasnt right about the way he conducted himself. i was the GC and my siblings were lost and scapegoated. all the bluster he threw around about me being "honorable" and a "family man", i never bought into it. im glad i didnt, because it didnt hurt so much when i chose my young developing family over him and his secrets (he was having a longterm affair and had me help him hide it) Its weird changing sides, hiding his secrets for him one day and having to explain years worth of secrets the next. it hurt for a long time, but when dealing with Narcs; the love you feel for them isnt shared. its not real love. to them, its the kind of love you feel for a gastation thats a block away from home. convenience, nothing more.
Dakota have you perhaps seen stories of old... complete review of Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us: Part 2 Content: 00:00 Introduction: Dostoevsky’s Plague 06:36 Part 1: A Beautiful Lie 13:05 Part 2: Images of Cities Past 19:14 Part 3: Living a Narrative 24:56 Part 4: A Conflicted Journey 31:03 Part 5: Back to the Beginning 36:05 Part 6: Another Three Days 43:47 Part 7: An Ugly Truth 51:03 Part 8: Future Days m.th-cam.com/video/XfLOkBkfD2U/w-d-xo.html
Great video. I was the golden child and it has really affected my adult life, unable to feel a sense of pride in myself regardless of what I achieve. Thanks for this video.
You are actually describing me!! I was the child with the bigger room than my sister. I was the child who continued on in my school to my high school and my sister was picked out of her school when we moved house into a different school entirely. I was very good at gymnastics and swimming and I probably did get the validation and the praise in the beginning. You are right there is a lot of strain being the golden child. I used to enjoy it when my parents thought I was all wonderful but it's the constant pressure to be on form everyday. Realistically one of my fears has been not to be seen as good enough. I've always aimed to please my mom right from a child to get the approving looks and from teachers at schools and even from bosses at the work place as I got older. My Dad was the golden child when it came to his Mom. I know that. Mom was jokingly say she thinks the sun shines out of his ass. But like any body else I fear letting my family down. I fear the disappointment in her eyes. I just wanted to make her proud of me and I've had moments where I'm not sure if I even got it. When I moved out of home it was the best thing for me, I had my own private space to breakdown as and when I needed to and he allowed to be myself around my fella, I could be in a mood if I wanted to be. I didn't have no one controlling how many pieces of toast I had etc. I know I did take the spotlight. My parents only thought well of me if I did what I was told and never did anything upsetting but I was a child, I was gunna make mistakes. I did. I couldn't take any more disappointment telling Mom the truth over something I did - so I wouldnt come to her with problems or things that I think she'd get disappointed over. I couldn't bare to see those eyes. I know when my mom thinks well of me, in her eyes, the way she looks, I'm more than extra sensitive to every sensitive to every micro expression she makes. Sister said when I moved out she felt she was seen
This video has pointed out to a tee what my childhood was like (not knowing it was called the golden child) it has inspired me to stand up against my narcissistic family and support my brother who is the scape goat. i have always felt like a puppet growing up (i was talented at sport and my parents were heavily invested). I have been apart from my family dynamic for a while and can finally see it from a distance. this video was very inspiring. thankyou so much.
I remember having emotional breakdown as a teen bc it was SO difficult to try to be "perfect" all the time. I advocated for my "scape goat" sibling and turned into the "fixer" only for her to later in life tell me she wished I never came back. She had a great relationship with the narc parent if i wasnt around.
My cousin was the golden child in her family. She grew up not only a bully but also using black magic to control everyone behind the scenes. Not just her family but her other relatives as well. No one was ever supposed to know but the Lord showed me.
The weird part in our family is that it was already too late for us to realize that there are 2 main narcissists; our mother (garden variety) and her mother. Being firstborn daughter / grandchild, I was my mom's scapegoat yet my grandmother's golden child. My mother's golden child is my brother (first born son - 2nd to me as we are all 4 (we were followed by another brother (middle child) and sister (youngest). It is with this set yo that I usually always end up being stuck in between both my mom and grandma's fights. Despite all the chaos we grew up with, so far we siblings have made a strong bond despite our dispositions. We all miss him our golden child as he just recently passed away a year ago. Despite him knowing he was the golden child of our mom and me being my grandmother's we 2 made it a point that we siblings stick for each other then and now
Tough spot to be! My sis was the golden child to my grandma and the scapegoat to my dad! Being the golden child by a narcissist actually sucks because you're loved conditionally! I hated being the golden child
I was a golden child when I was really young because I got good grades in school and was good at creative writing, and my little brother didn't. I was constantly overpraised and told I would become this hugely famous and talented author. As soon as I reached my teen years, the roles reversed, and to this day I'm the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child who can do no wrong. Though my mother can still be quite critical of him, it's nowhere near the level of emotional abuse I had to endure throughout my life, and the damage that being overestimated early in life did to my self-esteem still sticks with me to this day and makes me feel like I'm worthless.
Being the only child, I used to be the golden child and my mother the scapegoat but once I began voicing my own opinions and my annoyances, I became the scapegoat and my mother became his enabler as if she was so relieved not to be the target anymore.
very very timely video because afte the lockdown these dynamics are very apparent since during the lockdown we were pushed to stay closer. Doctor Ramani always at the top.
I grew up as a golden child, did everything to please my narc parent. Got a degree from a first-class uni, but ran away the day of my graduation. We’ve been in no contact ever since. I wouldn’t let her claim that trophy that she always dreamed of since my childhood, which I still can’t forgive my family for ruining
Often times the golden child grows up to be more damaged emotionally and mentally than the scapegoat. I was the scapegoat my sister was the golden child . I think I’m more capable of living life more authenticity than my sister as a result .
True.
Anna Greco yes I agree totally
I’m sure there are so many factors that come into play that we are only getting the tip of the iceberg w/ what Dr Ramani really knows re: how people turn out. 😎
I am the golden child and was and empath to the T . My scapegoat bro is a narcissist.
My sister enjoys it, though.
Being a golden child who broke the cycle of narcissism, I actually feel physically I comfortable when people tell me I am a good person.
I know that my narcissistic parent believes themselves to be a model of good personhood, and I worry that if I let myself feel confident in my kindness, it will blind me to my flaws.
My therapist, who actually has taken your course, has helped me accept I am not like my mother. She showed me that if I'm a narcissist, we have to change the definition of narcissism to accommodate me, and I'm really shitty at being one.
Thank you for all of this work you do. It's helped me do so much work on myself.
Thank you for your story
That was my sister. She could do no wrong. She is now even worse a narcissist then our mother. I cut he out of my life many years ago and she will never be a part of my life ever. I am the family scapegoat.
It is a shame how toxic parents can raise children who are loyal to them but don't get along with each other, causing the scapegoat to leave the toxic family environment.
Daniel Kaiser Story of my life. Finally realize my sister is so brainwashed, she’ll always be our mothers (who’s deceased) minion.
@@danielkaiser8971 I just found out my sister didn't tell her boyfriend she has siblings- for TWO years
I feel this on a personal level. I also have a sister who is the golden child and I have no contact with her. It has been two years of peace.
That's my story. Lol
I was the golden child but I didn’t know on a conscious level that all regard was conditional. I had so much anxiety my entire adulthood about failing. I felt so much guilt and shame about the idea of failing but I did not know it was my mother instilling this in me. I actually thought she loved me wanted the best for me. She was ruining my life.
I feel you, it happened to me too. Now my sister (scapegoat) and I have finally understood the family dynamics and are joining efforts to recover and lead a meaningful life. Our mother's narcissism seems to be getting worse by the day and it makes it very hard for us to move forward. Much love!
@@trembling3674 We don't have to forgive anyone. And by saying so, you're contributing to the problem.
Me too! You described something very specific I haven't seen too many people say yet. I was definitely treated better at times and valued more for my good academic performance but I also never felt loved.
@@KitKat-gw4rh we forgive for ourselves not for them. we dont justify it by forgiving. we just try to make peace with it for ourself.
My brother is the golden child. It's not fun. My heart breaks for you.
Ignore them forever! People, cars, jobs, money, and etc come and go. Life goes on so move forward!
N O C O N T A C T !
It will change your life
Life does move forward if you keep your eyes and ears and heart open. People do change sometimes along with the circustances they are all trying to survive through. My grandmother had to manage somehow with only a coal powered cook stove, a well with a pump and then only one tap indoors with cold running water at first for way too long while trying to help manage a farm while bringing up 6 children and then us rowdy used to going to school in the city grandchildren visisting her on weekends too. Since they started out in a sod house together that at first to them must have seemed like luxury.
@@FrancesShear Sorry, but you lost me with that anecdote
@@MzShonuff123 definitely!!
@@FrancesShear People change but a narcissist doesn't see any reason to change. They don't think anything is wrong with their behavior.
Dont hope and wish........Move On! 😐
Well, my sibling does NOT regret or feel guilty about being the golden child. She subtly participates in the abuse and attempts to pass it off as love and concern. What a crock! Thank you for the info.
I was the scapegoat and have the same sister haha There was a time when she actually tried to defend me but now she is back to abuse 🤷🏽♀️
We for me. For the original comment and the one above mine.
golden child can be so indifferent and crazy making!
Yep, been there, done that.
I'm on the same boat.my sis is a narcissist herself.evil with no remorse.
I'm a former golden child. It changed when I 1. stopped performing well at school due to depression, and 2. started questioning my parents decisions and advocating for my SG older sister who I loved very much and looked up to.
Unfortunately, her resentment from childhood lead to her happily participating in the bullying when our roles switched. She's pretty narcissistic herself now too. But nowadays I'm glad that I didn't keep the GC role, even though I suffered a lot. Because I do like the way I am now, and I love being free from their toxic system.
Edit: typo
Wow - snap! Very similar experience in my lifetime. As an adult I kept calling out the bad behavior. At 36 I was diagnosed with a progressive brain disorder an had to end my career (became a bum). I met final discard at 40, what seemed hard is actually a gift.
Your brain works!
@@angelasharp6869 I'm very sorry! I'm sure it was very hard to be discarded by your own family on top of having to deal with your disorder.
But it's good to hear that you see the great chance your situation offers. Keep going, you're free at last. :)
Wow this is exactly what happened in my family. As the former golden child I started advocating for my scapegoat big sister, covering for her too and she turned on me out of resentment. I am in the process of withdrawing from them all, they seem to think it’s okay to individually attack me every time I’m around... just exhausted & need to take care of myself. Glad were not alone 🤍
I think toxic parents quite dislike when their child is intelligent enough to start questioning things. My mother was primarily psychologically abusive but she would go so far as to slap my face and continue doing it if I demanded explanations or questioned her.
I was the golden child but rather than getting any reward or special treatment I was pressured to achieve more , and got all the unwanted attention from my narcissistic father . It broke my spirit and I left home when I was sixteen , I have struggled all my life with low self esteem which in turn led to drug and alcohol abuse . My scapegoat brother resented me for a long time , but we had along talk about our childhood and after understanding the unhealthy family dynamic we've become good friends .
Thank you for sharing your story. It is refreshing to learn that you and your brother finally talked about the past and better understand what was going on. I don't think that is an option for me and my siblings because we tried and they don't want to believe our mother was worse to me than on them (they are a generation older than I am, they are in their late 60s and I will be 50 later this year). So it is good to hear that with you and your brother, some reparations have been possible. Godspeed on your continued healing in life.
Wow, glad there was healing.i relate to your story - I also left at 16 (athletic pursuits) but had no self esteem and turned to drugs and alcohol. Thanks for sharing
My sister was the golden child. She got presents on my birthday instead of me,the scapegoat.It is so hard for the golden child to escape the narcissist.she died at age 31 after not being able to escape the manipulation and devastation our mom brought to her life.I got away
roman brandle that is so awesome 💚🧡💚
I'm so glad you talked with your scapegoat sibling and it sounds like you understood eachother. Some scapegoats like me became alienated from the golden children / flying monkeys because they think I'm lying about my abuse.
I'm getting my PhD on narcissism by following this channel 😂
and thanks for your work Dr.Ramani☺️❤️
Same. 👩🎓 lol
😂💪🏻
I'm sorry????
How wonderful. Truly. I was just thinking of how people are being helped by medical professionals narrowing in on a certain issue . . like narcissism. Dr Ramini is worth her weight in Gold and then some. She hits the nail on the head over and over again. To end suffering and bring understanding . . I'm there.
@@breezyvibe 💯
I was the golden child. I grew up thinking I was exceptionally smart, because my mom praised my schoolwork and grades. It was some of the only praise I got, especially after I lost the charm of being the "cute little girl." I did well in school, not because I was incredibly bright, but because I liked being at school and away from my abusive home. My mom was just happy I could pretend to be normal around other people so as to not draw attention to her parental lacking. When I started college, I was shocked to fail my placement testing twice and be required to take remedial classes. I realized that I always struggled with reading comprehension and that my learning flaws were ignored or denied as a child and teen. I learned to fake understanding and was convincing enough to even fool myself well into my adult years. Now at 37, I am finally being treated for ADHD.
Just wanted to say thanks for writing this comment. I share the experience about school and its sad yet heartwarming to know i was not the only one and my perception was right.
Im happy for you that ypu finally started to have a better comprehension of your situation.
I would guess you don’t have ADHD, but you probably have a personality type that can look like ADHD(either INFJ or INFP). Your story sounds similar to mine. When I started puberty, my mental health took a dive, and I think it was mostly due to my living situation. However, my mother loved having a “crazy” kid, because it gave her the opportunity to look even more like a caring, loving mother. And also protected her from the possibility of me pushing back against her, because if I did, she could just say I’m nuts.
The golden child often ends up being highly narcissistic themselves.They end up believing that they are more special than the scapegoat, and they enjoy being in this role because of their own insecurities. The golden child doesn´t realize that the parent couldn´t care less about them either.
You are so correct!
You are spot on!
Correct. It's a shame toxic parents condemn their own children to grow into a difficult life from all the abuse.
Don't make assumptions
Dj DEB It´s not an assumption. I´ve lived through this with my sister who is a golden child. This is exactly what happened with her.
When my wife announced our first pregnancy to my parents, my mother’s first response was “Don’t worry it will be a boy”. Narcissism is rampant in Indian families and is not talked about. Couple of months later we were blessed by the birth of a baby girl.
That's it my in-law said just abort it
100%. Indian families are rampant with narcissism and is often practiced in the name of tradition, culture. I hope you're able to heal.
Congratulations for your baby
Chinese families are also very narcissistic. I think a lot of similarities between Indian and Chinese culture.
@@robinpenfold4733 AND very rampant in African cultures too!
My older sister was "the Golden Child". She grew up to be a 100% exceptionally gorgeous, but 100% narcissist, 100% hypochondriac, 100% suffering from anxiety disorder, 100% dependent, 100% self-absorbed, 100% mean-spirited. She simply ignored me, I just didn't exist to her. I was the scapegoat who left them all behind at age 19 to achieve, succeed, accomplish and be whole, all on my own and via my own initiative.
I had to leave on my own at an early adult age too. My mother tried to threaten punishment and withholding attention and resources as I approached ahe 18, just because I was growing up. She thought mistreating me would make me stay and make everything up to her. But by the time I got my own place as a young adult, moving out was expedient and welcomed with open arms. Life had challenges but they were far preferable to remaining under her dictatorship. Life was nothing like the famine and disaster and death she threatened life would have in store for me with if I left.
Bless you. You just inspired me
I did walked away but always came back to save my mom. Only last year I realized she is a covert Narc.
Good for you! You succeeded despite all of those obstacles ... you should be proud.
@@IamPotato_007 you need to be strong ...she will try everything i mean everything to get you back so she can continue what she was doing before. She will make you feel guilty to manipulate you.Be strong 👍
Congratulations ‼️💯💯you did it and you won‼️
Im truly embarrassed for my GC younger sibling. She is stunted emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I am the Scapegoat who broke all the generational curses, grew into a big beautiful butterfly. The pathological envy is outrageous with the GC they grew up believing they are the best. It really pisses them off when you heal and they can't control you lol.
My pathetic gc sister still checks on me, she tries to use her old friend to do this via my fb page.She and my mother can't handle that I have survive this pandemic without them.
How do you break generational curses ? Asking for a friend.
🦋🦋🌸🦋🦋🌸🦋🦋‼️congratulations 😀
Yes they flip out completely. Congrats on breaking the intergenerational trauma you inherited. Very cool
@@LaFrenchMademoiselle prayer and submission to TMH
What I take away from watching these videos several years removed from the abuse: I am safe and I am grateful. I think I mostly watch you now to make sure I will never be anyone's victim/scapegoat again.
Myself, as well. I am grateful for Dr. Ramani, so very much so. It's very healing.💝
Congrats on your promotion/achievement. Any long term conditions like what the medical field labels an auto immune disease? I have been diagnosed with one. I gather that it's common from these horrible messes.
Nunya Bidness - The chronic, unrelenting stress results in a lot of inflammation and manifests in myriad ways. It seems like “everyone” who’s endured long-term narcissistic abuse has developed fibromyalgia. Though you may retain some “souvenirs” of your abuse, as reflected in your health state, the longer you’re away from the abuse, the healthier you become. Slow and steady progress. But it’s difficult to impossible to heal when you’re in midst of the abuse, because you’re constantly being bombarded with such intense negativity.
Very very good idea.....I feel that way too after realizing 5 yrs ago my 2 older sibs are narcs......no wonder my body always reacts around them
I was the golden child, but sometimes I became the scapegoat too. I was bullied by my father, my brother (the scapegoat) and also by my classmates at school. I was psychologically abused. I learned that I always had to agree with my father, that’s the reason that I was the golden child. The results: I’m super perfectionist, I have problems with anxiety and CPTSD symptoms. I’m reading the book CPTSD - From surviving to thriving and I really recommend this book.
Your story resonates with me. Im also reading that book. One month ago, through some research, I found this channel "Richard Grannon Fortress Mental Health Protection". He started this channel five months ago, with some exercises based on Pete Walker's work, with his permission. If you want to check. I hope it can help as much or more as it has helped me. Stay strong and love yourself 🙂🙏 thanks Doctor Ramani for your beautiful work and kindness 🙂.
Thank you for sharing this and thank you Dr Ramani. Dr Ramani explains why in understanding and empathetic way 🥰The TV series Mr Robot 🤖 and LITTLE FIRES EVERYWHERE about being allocated a role, by a narcissist parent. C PTSD being recognised more and more. The narcissistic parenting style seems quite prevalent. We need yes private and public solutions d.site-cdn.net/6cd93335c8/a13ed7/scape-goat-teachers-notes.pdf
Have you perhaps seen #THETRIALSOFGABRIELFERNANDEZ on Netflix he was a family scapegoat
This is me as well 100%
I had a mix of these too! In a way it's good to know that I don't have to feel too guilty for "all they did for me."
We don’t need golden or scapegoat children. We need children with the necessary tools to become healthy adults, and that depends on us, parents, to give them all of that. If you can't be a mature emotional parent, please don't have kids!
Have a good new week!
Alexandra
They don't have enough insight to know they're too unhealthy to have kids/relationships.
This needs to be a year round commercial!
Unfortunately, I suspect emotional immaturity and unwanted pregnancies go hand in hand, right alongside fatherlessness.
@@MzShonuff123 Exactly
In an ideal world, you would be correct. However, in real life, life is messy and there is a lot of brokenness. So amongst the brokenness, maturity and emotional healthiness and the tools for that comes outside of the family unit and relational dynamics. Thank God we have that. Interestingly, all families have relational dynamics, and have familial roles, whether in a narcissistic family or not.
I am the oldest of three. I was always the golden child. Growing up I had a passion for learning so I naturally did well in school. My mom and dad boasted about my achievements while disregarding my hard work. I was manipulated into working extra hard because if I didn’t, I would be shamed for it. I would spend hours everyday working hard, reading books, and solving problems, but my parents would never acknowledge that. They only cared about the final result to boast about it to other family members. My dad was abusive towards my mom, and my mom would talk to my siblings and I about him all day long. She would mention how narcissistic and horrible he is. Turns out, she was more of a narcissist than he will ever be. I was fooled by her and always felt like he was the problem, while she was the victim. Although I admit my dad is a horrible person, my mom was far worse. For years she would look innocent and kind to the public (mostly at church and in front of family members) because she would help people and sacrifice her time and her family for it (all superficial), while at home she was very very cold and mean. I took on some of her traits because I was the closest to her as the golden child title remained. I feel so ashamed that for years I was mean and basically a narcissist myself. I learned to forgive and love myself because I was just a child thrown into a toxic dynamic. And now as an adult I have the responsibility to reshape my personality. After realizing this, I stopped telling them about anything I achieved. Sadly, my younger sister still sees me as the old “golden narcissistic child,” but I truly feel so guilty for the mean things I said in the past. I was angry, resentful, and convinced I was unable to ever feel love. I cried watching this video because it speaks so much truth to me. I hope one day my siblings will realize the toxicity that our parents put us through and I hope they forgive me for taking on some of those traits without being self aware.
Lastly, for any scapegoat children reading this. I’m sorry. I know how it feels. I wish my comment gives you an insight on how the golden children think and feel. There is no excuse for becoming narcissists ourselves, but we are also survivors just like you. It is very hard to see through our parents’ manipulative behaviors. It takes so much self awareness and courage to admit we are wrong and to finally forgive our parents and ourselves and move on.
This is very inspiring, I am happy for the person that you have become...
I wish my sibling will once have an awakening just like you.
My GC brother will never have an awakening. He's far more narcissistic than my mother is and loved to torture me (I am the scapegoat). I disconnected from my mother and brother a few years ago and haven't looked back! Although I should say that I dont blame my brother, he is a bigger victim than me because he lost his identity. Ur story is inspiring, though. I hope ur siblings forgive u. U don't sound narcissistic at all ur too self-aware and compassionate.
I’m 52 and have lived with a narcissistic mother my whole life. It seems like she hops from one child to the next with golden child status. Anyhow, thank you for all your education. It has enlightened me beyond measure. I never knew there was a definition for this. It is still difficult at this age, as there is always that pull for the good things she has done. I just realized how unhealthy she has been in my life. Now that I’ve stepped away, everything is so much easier, each day gets better. I am free. There is no greater gift than peace of mind. Thank you🦋
Narcissists do switch the roles around of their children and anyone they can control, if only because they want to maintain toxic control over extorting narcissistic supply out of others.
Indeed, in some families, the narcissist cycles roles between children, my boyfriend's mother is like that. They are 4 siblings and she scapegoats them one after the other while periodically re-idealizing the one she has wronged the longest ago - therefore the most likely to have forgotten/forgiven the last offense, or so she thinks. None of them falls into the trap anymore though. My bf goes no contact, but every once in a while he receives a random message where she is weirdly friendly, and tries to bribe him with things like offering to buy him a car, while the last time they talked she called him names and said all kinds of horrible things... usually, a bit of investigation later, we find out she has started a war with one of the other siblings over something completely unreasonable, and she was actually trying to buy herself a flying monkey by dangling golden child privileges in front of him. As he refuses, she starts a war with him and turns to the next one in line... who refuses as well, and the cycle goes on.
You're absolutely right! My Mother put the status of the golden child on each one of us until puberty. Then the burden fell upon the next one. I'm the youngest so i should have served her forever. I envy my brothers there freedom.
DCswavey711 stay away and heal to be happy‼️💯💯congratulations you did it🎊
hani hani hope you can get away for your own sake and save your daughter from carrying on that toxicity ❤️🌸you can do it‼️💯💯No Contact forever❗️🚩🚩
It's clear already. I was the golden child back then because I outperformed my siblings. But in reality, I was outperforming because I was stressed with my parents and I needed an outlet where I can let out my emotions and they always took credit for my achievements. Boast it onto other people but I never really felt that they accepted me genuinely as a person. Then I started college, my depression showed even more so I slowly had bad grades, there, I was discarded then turned into scapegoat and my other sibling took the throne happily. This made me spiraled down more onto depression. Gosh. Narcissistic family dynamics is just freaking sick. Damn.
Sorry that happened to you. It can drive a wedge between siblings vying for positive attention... competition.
I’m sorry you went through that , how are you doing now?
I am so glad that you wrote your story here because I was pondering whether or not in the beginning when I was very young I was The golden child and then my mother switched it to my brother and turned him against me. I wasn't sure if that was possible thank you for showing me that it definitely is.
It would interesting to find out how many golden children have actually tried to protect their less elevated siblings from the scorn and put-downs of a narcissistic parent rather than revel in their privileged status which I suggest could be the majority. I would think it was pretty rare.
Me, me, me pick me, I did stick up for siblings at times but it just fell on deaf ears. Your role is to put everyone down alongside with your covert mom, to get sick of hearing and say so, is a reason for your own relationship's with your parents to slip slide away....
Yeah I think maybe 20% of golden children tried to even out the dynamic... I definitely tried advocating for the scapegoat but she turned on me from resentment 🤷🏽♀️ oh family
Try to remember that children are not at fault for how they are being raised and prompted to behave. The accountability is solely the toxic parents until after the child becomes an adult.
As a GC, I did attempt many times to stand up for my family members and was shot down immediately with gaslighting. After a while I just shut down and dissociated through arguments until it developed into an anxiety disorder
I did
My golden child older bro: "Why can't you just listen to Mom and do what she says?" (...as he shakes his head at me in pity)
Me: "Why can't you just think for yourself?" (...as I walk away from them for the last time feeling sorry for the both of them)
I recognize this behavior. It sounds to me your brother wants to keep the roles (golden child/scape goat) as they are? Maybe he thinks being the golden child is the same as being loved?
I have done a lot of work to recover from my past. Now I think my brother (golden child) is rather amusing. Let´s be true: narcissistic people can be very funny as long you don´t get triggered by their behavior and don´t take it personally. They just live in their own (made up) universe.
Anna Bee, just remember there is manipulation going on and your mom may be making your brother think she just cares about you and wants what is best for you. Your parent is probably really selling it to your brother and hides how she is really treating you.
Soo recognisable for sure. I left too. And I am both more healthy independent and interdependent while my older sibling lives 150 m away from our npd parents. She actually explained how how feels like our father programmed her body reactions as a small child to not make noises because he would flip out when we were loud and when we fell and hurt ourselves. I don't have those reactions. To me that sounds like pergatory and a really high cost not getting shitty critique that is easy to discern as bullshit once you reach your tween/teen age years and sometimes even sooner
That’s exactly it, the narcissist controls the was the golden child thinks and behaves, and deep down the golden child knows it, and they will doubt their own thoughts and behaviour for the rest of their lives and suffer with cognitive dissonance. Narcissism is a plague, and I suspect it came out from a militarised society that survived ww2
@Elio as years go by they have moments when they can see the truth, even if they don’t understand it, they’re not oblivious, they’re in denial. Either willingly, to keep their golden child status, or by the control their narcissistic parent/s have over their minds. When it comes down to it they’re also confused and definitely have their own issues. Just because they have the narcissists favour doesn’t mean it’s all blue sky’s and sweet smelling roses.
It angered me when the golden child sister refused to invite our scapegoated brother, the youngest, to a family gathering once, saying "he's so negative." Yeah, because he's had it real bad in life. She's as cold as ice.
When aging N mother was lining up free service providers, all I heard was, golden child did this, and golden child did that, and you can get out of doing so much work now (assigning a false motive to me), etc. And I'm like -- yeah, good.
So so glad I found these videos on TH-cam, because once you understand the dynamic, it doesn't hurt anymore, or at least a whole lot less.
Yeah. And it hurts even more when the rest of the family attends; even if they have shared their disapproval or anger about it. When you attend, anyway, you are just part of the narc's triangulatiin; a flying monkey for the narc. The rest of the family has to take a hard stand in order to stop that.
God lord is there a playbook for this shit....yup golden child did this golden child did that....etc. and then turn around and say (yup just like you said) you should be glad you don't have to do so much work and be burdened and you get out of having to do the work. But if you offer to help they control freak it, and talk shit about you. It's all so twisted.
I can’t believe how accurate this description is!!!!
Fascinating video. I am the black sheep and my younger sister is the golden child. Although, I know she did experienced some abuse from our mother but not as severely as me. When my mother cut me out of her life eleven years ago, she'd schemed with my sister and the rest of the family to ice me out as well. At the time, I was absolutely crushed and devastated but now I see it was the best thing ever. Life gets really hard at times and I'm still very much on a healing journey but not having those toxic dynamics in my life is helping me move forward again.
@Mystery Rosebud I relate to you so much.
You are a true hero and don’t forget it......respect and love yourself, get away, stay away & create a happy peaceful life for yourself 🙂
It is tough to go through rejection. Knowing everything you do you can give and accept genuine love....but never expect it from them.
"It's so clear that the paunchy, rageful father's athletic dreams never launched." What an image. LOL.
Yes it is. And I think it's abusive to see that young girls entered in beauty contests by their mother have become a reality show series on TV.
@@danielkaiser8971 yeah. emotional neurotoxins injected into the next generation. Worse that it's for profit in some cases (contests etc)
this was literally my dad lmao
I was the golden child on and off. I always felt like I was only valued for my accomplishments but nothing else mattered. I know I got treated better by my parents when I was young (treated better by my parents, but constantly bullied by my siblings). But whenever I made a mistake I was publicly humiliated for it. It was a real wake up call for me. And that was when I truly understood the hell my scapegoat brother had gone through. I really distanced myself for a while and I have grown a lot. I still find myself feeling like I'm only really valued for things I've done. I realized I was still telling my parents when I got a positive work evaluation or a raise. So I decided that I would no longer seek their validation in anything and I would no longer tell them any accomplishment unless they specifically asked me. I'm interested to see how this goes.
I have a child with a Narcissist; Its the toughest thing I've dealt with my whole life and I'm just 40.
Are you "married" to her ánd serving the "military" of the 100% narcissistic (psychopathic) 2% in terrorising and gaslighting the other 98%. Man you are *to* good.
Check out dads surviving divorce channel.....you can get away, heal and transform your life while continuing to be a healthy parent🙂he does coaching too
Bet she's punishing you everyday.
The sooner you get out of that the happier and healthier you and your child will be. Narcissists are toxic. Period. There is no negotiating dance. You are sleeping with a vampire every minute that you're there.
Get out WITH your child. And God bless you!
I often cry about how I treated my sister growing up. I only put her down to keep me up. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t perform for my father so we could all get along. I see now, she is the only person who ever unconditionally loved me. I believe she raised me. Lucky for me she forgives me and is the most beautiful soul in my world.
Spot on and very nuanced. Thank you! It was pretty obvious I was our narcissistic father's favourite. I've even been told he initially only wanted one child, but as our mother told him about her wish for a second one, he eventually agreed that "I needed company".
In my early childhood, I bought into it, enjoyed being spoiled, assumed I deserved it indeed... and was a brat to my poor little brother (and even though I didn't realize what I was doing, I profoundly regret and feel guilty...). I performed well at school, I skipped a class and was diagnosed gifted, throughout primary and early secondary, I've been told parent-teacher interviews about me were always quite a delightful experience, I was good at drawing and won primary school drawing contests (and my father is an advertising designer who never passed his art diploma exam, so in the beginning I was very much encouraged to fulfill his projected dream in the artistic field...)
So the trap was already set from birth, for my younger brother. The expectation bar was unrealistically high and short of surpassing me while being 4 years younger, he was gonna fall into the scapegoat position and be constantly reminded that he was a disappointment by our father. :-(
As time passed, I remained in the "least worse" position, but I became less and less safe from our father's narcissistic rage and contempt and started realizing some things... I'd say it kinda matched my teenagerhood and the divorce:
I started rebelling and resented him for cheating on and leaving Mom ;
I started struggling a bit more in some areas of school and not nailing everything as easily - in a nutshell being a bit more of a regular kid sometimes (and I mean, he had high standards, if I brought home an A grade, he would ask "where's the +?") ;
Our father started having more interest in his new relationship than in us - both our successive stepmothers and their children always made us feel unwelcome, and he allowed it ;
As I grew up and started accumulating more academic and artistic success despite the struggles, he started being jealous and seeing me as a threat instead of a dream fulfilled like initially, and wanting to destroy my self confidence ;
And as I saw my "state of grace" fluctuating, I started understanding how unfair being punished for not performing felt, how conditional and fake my position was, and that my brother's underachievement was mostly due to the constant tyranny he was put through, not even actual weaknesses - either way he wouldn't be less deserving of love, but the irony is he's actually at least as gifted as I am.
So, with all of these realizations combined, I started taking my brother's side and defending him, which, suffice to say, my father didn't like too much either.
Again, don't get me wrong, despite all this I recognize I was still in a better-ish position than my brother, overall. The contempt rarely reached the intensity, permanence and unrelentingness that my brother experienced, and there's no doubt I was still spoiled - but it felt more and more empty, unfair, and just plain wrong.
I think our father used to feel a bit of guilt for quantifiable inequities when we were small (i.e. when money-wise, the numbers would have made it too obvious), so whenever he bought something to one of us, he would buy something of equivalent value to the other, or even give them the difference in cash. Buuut when it came to upper studies, he dropped that concern. I did get my prestigious private studies paid, as well as my student apartment's rent in the capital... My brother on the other hand happened to do the first part of his studies in the public system and living at Mom's, much more "cost-efficient" if you will. But when came the point when the next step of his studies wasn't available in the public system and he had to switch to a private school to continue, it didn't take one year for my father to start threatening to withdraw from paying his half of the tuition fees (which the divorce papers clearly stated he was still legally bound to pay, though) because my brother had insufficient grades in his opinion and was therefore wasting his money. Our mother, always assuming the best in people and unwilling to accept the idea that a father may truly want to do that to his child, supposed maybe he was short on money and didn't want to admit it, but reality check: our father owns luxury cars, rental property, a secondary residence... one can say he's doing pretty fine. He was just being a dick to his son. During my studies I also had alarming grades at a few points, and almost failed some years and had to take catch-up exams... yet, he never threatened to withdraw from paying his half of my tuition fees, and when I graduated, he even explicitly told me that he'd be more than glad to keep sending me the same amount of money for a while, just to give me time to start my career and settle. Instead, I worked for a year, saved enough money of my own to move abroad and then did... and then grew a massive anxious art-block and since then I haven't been able to go back to the artistic career I studied for. I hope to find my way back to it, I LOVED drawing but it's all emotionally tangled with my past, it's kind of my personal demon...
I do relate to being afraid of not delivering, I often feel like a fraud. I have supportive people around me but I get very anxious when people say they are "certain I'm gonna succeed", because what if they are mistaken and I don't? What if I'm not so special and talented after all? I don't magically attract success, I've been lucky for a while, that's all. I didn't want to hear how good they thought I was, I wanted to hear that it would be okay if I wasn't.
Being the Golden Child sucked! My mom used me to live vicariously through my childhood, trying to create this perfect child instead of letting me be me. Any time I tried to be myself, I was punished. There were tons and tons of rules in place about what I could wear, what I could do, what I could learn. Age markers set up for different milestones like wearing earrings or shaving my legs. I wasn't allowed to pick my own clothes out in the store or listen to popular music until I was 13 years old. I wasn't allowed to wear nail polish or dye my hair until I was a teenager. Makeup was forbidden, too, and highly criticized even when I was finally allowed to wear it. There was tons of pressure to be perfect and get good grades. Mistakes were punished. I was overbooked for after school activities and worked to the bone, but wasn't allowed to pick the activities I wanted to do. I took lots of music lessons, but not for the instruments I wanted to play. If my mom wanted to cultivate an oboist, despite me wanting to play the flute, I was going to play oboe. Etc. etc. If she decided I was going to take Community College classes in High School, that's what I did. I was so severely punished for expressing my true self or wanting things that I developed DID at a very young age. My mom's since passed away and I'm still trying to figure out how to feel ok being me. It's really really hard.
Later in life, after I'd rejected the Golden Child persona and started trying to just live a normal life, my mother rejected the notion that I was imperfect. She decided to live in this fantasy that I was perfect and amazing and wildly successful. When I'd talk to her on the phone, she wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the perfect version of me in her head. She never called me, I had to call her. She even stopped talking to me for the first 2 years I was out on my own after college because I asserted myself once over a minor issue. It was extremely painful to know that my mom had given up on me for my entire adult life because reality didn't match her narcissistic vision.
My sister was the scapegoat. She could do no right. But she was allowed to wear what she wanted, listen to what she wanted, do what she wanted. My mom didn't care because my sister was the afterthought. All my mom's efforts went into cultivating me when it became clear my sister wasn't going to become a violin prodigy, etc. And, maybe ironically, my sister was the one who went on to become the narcissist. Yes, scapegoats have it bad, but don't for a second think it's great to be the Golden Child, either. Living with a Narcissistic parent is hell for everyone.
I was the golden child. In time ,I became caring older sister, today me and my teenagers sisters beacame best friends and real family despite the narcissist parents who try their best to destroy this.
Yesss I was definitely the scapegoat and my brother was always the golden child. I enjoy listening to Dr Ramoni videos daily to help with my inner child trauma.
This is perhaps the most spot on video that you've done, Dr. Ramani. Perfectly describes many family systems headed up by one (or both) narcissist parent. I've experienced it and seen it first hand with others. The narcissistic parent latches onto a Golden Child for bragging rights and validation. As the parent ages, depending on their needs, the preferred child status can switch around to whichever child is meeting their daily needs. Sets up a horrendous family dynamic for siblings dealing with an aging narcissistic parent.
I wish I could share this video with my sister. I was the golden child and I know how much she resents me for it even long into adulthood. I never wanted this, the pressure from my parents to perform and live up to the high bar they set for me broke my spirit and caused me to underachieve later on; I feel on some level I ended up purposely failing because I couldn't do it anymore. Being the golden child came with many privileges: a more expensive education, more attention, praise and recognition. But it also came with many restrictions my siblings didn't have, I wasn't allowed to have friends at all or do anything I enjoyed in case it might interfere with my academic performance and "specialness". My narcissistic mother wanted to vet all my friends for fear they might be a bad influence on me, in practice only allowing me to befriend the children of her superiors at work because it opened doors for her. She never did this to my siblings, they were allowed a lot more freedom even if it came at the cost of her praise and respect because she just didn't care about them as much and didn't feel the need to protect and nurture their potential. But it meant they were allowed to grow up to be people while I was always an object, a trophy on her mantle.
I wish my other siblings understood this, the root of all our sorrow, that our abuse was orchestrated by our mother and not by one another. But as adults we aren't close and have never been able to fully confront what happened together. It breaks my heart.
I took on a golden child role, because I was my mother's first girl. I was also kept extremely close and protected, because I nearly died at birth. I was told growing up that I should never leave, because the world was "dangerous" and that men loved to hurt little blonde girls like me. My mom wanted a girl so badly, she kept getting girl clothes when she was pregnant, but she had two boys first and had to throw out the girl's clothes. The moment she got her favored girl, that baby's face came out blue and couldn't breathe, because my umbilical cord got wrapped around my throat while I was coming out. The doctor had to manually turn me around, because I was a stargazer (feet coming down first). But anyway, she held onto me TIGHTLY because of that. I heard that story several times and thought I was "special" because I almost died at birth. Sadly, I was to her in a twisted way. But the weird thing is, she also exploited me cruelly and scapegoated me too. Maybe she felt "betrayed" that her supposedly perfect little girl wasn't perfect. I wet the bed and was constantly not giving her the validation SHE constantly wanted. I spent more time with my dad (and I seriously think her accusations of him doing things to me was more out of jealousy that I liked spending time with him than anything else), and I refused to say she was the "better" parent or that I loved her more. I said I loved them both equally - how dare I! As I grew up, she would expect me to be her financial back-up. I was expected to put utilities in my name, because SHE wouldn't pay them. She would say "Your sisters need you." She knew I loved THEM. When I was really little, she'd use love for my sister to keep me quiet about the abuse around the house. She'd say if I told people about anything that happened in our house, they'd take my sister and me away, and that we'd BOTH be molested, and that it would be MY fault. She's an evil bitch. So I felt responsible for everything in that house and HER happiness so she wouldn't rage. As an adult, I DO feel like I have to prove I'm good enough. I never feel like I belong in groups, because my mom taught me growing up that I wasn't like others in the world, that I was different - not in a good way but in a way that I simply didn't belong out there. I only belonged WITH HER. The reason I didn't remain a golden child is because I had a conscience and saw her behavior as wrong. I tried to fix the family - wanted to get help. And we all know what a narcissist feels about someone "getting help". The first time I had a breakdown in high school and went to see a counselor (which I was NEVER allowed to do), she attacked me on the way home and sicced my brothers on me like dogs when we got home. I was not a narc like her or like my brother who embraced his role of golden child in its sense of being "better" than others. I could never believe I was better, could never treat my other siblings badly, and always felt the need to stand up for my scapegoat sister when my mother tried to use me to triangulate against her. She'd just get this empty smile and say, "You're so sweet..." It always made me sick and want to say, "But she doesn't DESERVE to be treated like that!" But I was scared to say anything. I remember my mother when I was older calling me her "good girl" with that same disgusting smile. She knew that in the past she had attacked me and had me subservient. Because "good girl" just means subservient to her. As for me validating her through things like performance, I was always intelligent. I did well in school, wrote poetry, and wanted to go to college. This is interesting - while she would talk up my education when I was younger and talk about how I was going to get a good job (and believe me, that lazy bitch wanted me to support her financially when I got older and certainly DID have her kids do that for her as we got older), when I nearly had a scholarship to go to college that a teacher of mine nominated me for, she went bugshit crazy. She got ANGRY and lashed out at me. Twice in my childhood I nearly had these, and both times, especially the one I got in high school, she retaliated and claimed I couldn't "afford" college, that it was "too far away," that the world was "too dangerous" for me to go out into it. She wanted me to quit school so I could stay home "with her". And I ended up doing that, because she had me believing I wasn't good enough to go into the world or that I was too poor. I got derailed in life - ended up with the first in a line of abusive narcissist men. Her "golden child" she claimed was so smart wasn't allowed to succeed in life, because SHE never succeeded in life. She quit school at 16 herself to get married and is slow. But she's definitely good at manipulation for being someone with a low IQ. She manipulated the hell out of me and even as an intelligent, self-aware adult, I had to go through looking crazy to everyone else and feeling crazy myself from emerging from all the gaslighting all my life and conditioning that all love in my life was conditional. I eventually got my education up to a masters degree, but I am very stunted in life because I don't have the confidence. Sadly, if I had become a narc like her, I might be more successful. That's how messed up the world is.
Wow😭😭😭
I very strongly relate to your story. My mother held tightly to me because I was her last child. Complete smothering, chronic invasions of privacy, threats of a terrible life unless she was in it, and because I'm a male, continuous flirting and sexual innuendos and covertly incestuous mannerisms. And lots of her nonstop screaming and yelling without permission to react, I had to stuff it all. She even viewed my female adult relatives and my grade school teachers as competition and would make me uncomfortable asking me if they ever "touched" me. She knew they didn't but it was her way of coercing me into mistrusting even their smile. But along the line I figured things out on my own, home life with mother was the only miserable place, everywhere else (namely school) was pleasant and rules were respected and never changed, and there was happiness everywhere else. My mother accused me of hating women, but what happened was I learned the vast majority of women were not like my mother. Everything backfired and she discarded me. She now clings to my older half-brother who is nearing 70 years old with one foot in the grave. My life knew healing after I got out of the toxic environment.
I can relate. I think I was the Golden Child because I was my mom's first girl, too. After talking to my older brother recently, it seems he didn't go through nearly what I did, because my mom was trying to craft the "perfect girl" in me. Your story reminds me of Rapunzel from "Into the Woods". Your mom's "the world is dangerous" thing sounds like the Hermit archetype of BPD.
Very interesting story.. u should write a book...
Weird haha my birth was very similar. Was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my throat. When they cut it I apparently gasped for air, accidentally breathed in the fluid and almost choked to death. Can relate to your story a lot.
When I went to my former partners house his parents were bragging non-stop about him!!! I had a feeling this was highly unusual. He is 35 and moved back in with his parents and his parents are turning their garage into a studio for him. Totally spoiled and enabled him saying he was just smarter than everyone so everyone needs to bow down to the altar of him. I realized there was a high level of emotional enmeshment with his mom which is a form of emotional incest. So he can never really have a true intimate relationship with a woman because he is married to his mom in a way.
It's a terrible shame when a mother does that to her child and continues the abuse well into adulthood.
Omg this is totally my situation rn!!!!
😬
Are u describing my mother
Oh my god I could have written this. I noticed very early as well how my in-laws would brag about their son. It wasn’t in the normal way, I mean they would go on and on and speak about him as if he was the smartest best person in the entire world and that I just possible couldn’t fathom his specialness. They would constantly recount stories of when he was a toddler and the praise that their classmates in graduate school would say about his drawings (they brought him to school with him). In contrast his sister was barely mentioned at all. And anything that was seen as wrong by others they would say they just didn’t understand how special he was. He was 36 at the time and living in a townhouse a mile away that they purchased. At the time I was weirded out by it, but just thought I was missing something and they were just a close and loving family.
Now I understand it for what it is. Our 4 year anniversary is a week away and we are separated. He is deeply enmeshed with his family. Deeply. Not once did we spend a holiday alone together, and he felt the need to defer to them for everything. I was like a third wheel. It was expected we be at their place minimum once a week, though for a period when his mom had a bad cold we went every single day for a month. When I finally started to stand up for myself things got nasty. Since it sounds like you were in a similar relationship I’m sure you can imagine. I wonder how many golden children become enmeshed, and how many enmeshed children become terrible spouses. And I was the scapegoat in my family …I wonder how many golden children marry scapegoats and then scapegoat them. Alas. I am so looking forward to being free of all this. Thank god I see it. Better late than never.
I was the Golden Child to my mom, the Invisible Child to my dad and, now, Handmaid and Scapegoat to both. Hooray for getting mixed messages for over 3 decades.
I got to be both the golden child and the invisible child and only broke out of this state of mind after leaving the house for studies and realizing the expectations put on me were destroying my health. The result of that is, I feel like my mind was born when I was 20 with no idea how to feel, how to desire, how to trust, how to plan, how to connect and truly terrified by any form of intimacy. 20 years later, I'm still drifting lonely and aimlessly through life. My sister who was the scapegoat child managed to find substitute mothers with actual empathy far from home and even though she obviously has scars for life, she still managed to build a beautiful family of her own. I'm happy for her.
My narc Mother's "Golden Child" the oldest, past away at 35. It was only 2 of us, so she automatically made my oldest son her new GC. She needs someone to place ahead of me to make me feel bad. It doesn't work because I'm so immune to her.
You should seriously consider keeping her away from him.
@@godsrabbit9452 I've tried. He's an adult now. He moved with his dad (a dangerous abusive narc) when he was 17 bc he totally turned him against me. My son always yearned for his approval/love so he would do anything his dad told him to do to take me down. My ex and mom want me to hit rock bottom so they use him to get to me. So I gave up bc he was on their side and it was hurting him more than me. Those 2 got it coming. I'm just waiting so I can reunite with my baby. 😩
@@Anna-eu8px I tried to get him to read up on narcissism and he just wouldn't do it. He was scared to find out the truth.
The oldest child in our family was always the GC and the youngest the SG. Due to age differences and a move, I ended up transitioning from SG to middle kid at age 4, then to GC at age 8. Craziness.
UPDATE: my baby contacted me last night. We talked for 3 hours and we're going to meet up next week. I manifested this. I am so grateful and happy. 😄😀😁😄
Thank you Dr Ramani. As my birth family's scapegoat, I do need to understand this content so I can not only further my understanding of myself and my family members but also to allow my freedom to outshine my abuse.
GC here both because of early achievement and because I'm male in a traditional culture. When I tried to become independent in my twenties I realized that I had no sense of identity. I gradually took on the failure role and got mental health issues and a physical disability. I struggle with guilt, low self-esteem, shame and a pretty constant sense of doom. Haven't managed to get out of the enmeshment mess and now well into my 30s guess who I'm living with? (my parents) Golden child for the win! I think my failure to launch is what my narcissistic parents always wanted. I actually kinda wish I was a scapegoat - my scapegoat sibling didn't have it easy but always had more Independence and a stronger identity than I do. She had nothing to lose, so she went off into life and did her own thing. The Golden child is actually trapped in a golden cage that sucks away his freedom, stunts his spirit and leave him prisoner for life.
so true and so devastating
I resented my Golden Child brother so much growing up. As an adult, I realize how much my narcissist parent played us against each other and set us up not to be close. He’s still closer to her than I am and has pushed me to talk to her whenever we weren’t speaking. We never really talk about family stuff, but it was eye-opening on Christmas when he came to town, stayed with my father, stepmother and myself pretty much the whole time and was only gone for an hour when he went to see her. The drive there is about twenty minutes each way, so he couldn’t have spent more than 20 minutes with her. I also now realize he’s struggled a lot with depression and often seemed super unhappy. This started in his early teenage years. I always felt he never understood what she did to me, but now all I do is wonder, “What the hell did she do to HIM?”
I was the golden child growing up due to my achievements. I was also introverted and obedient so I was seen by my narcissistic parent as easy to control- even though I constantly expressed my pain at how my scapegoat sibling was treated. The only benefits I ever got was praise and not being abused to the same degree. The moment my narcissistic parent saw that my success would mean my independence and their loss of a future "indentured servant" serving their every need (because they knew my sibling would never stick around) was the moment they tried to destroy my future rather than continue the praise.
Once again, right on target. Hispanic family here, I'm the scapegoat (being female) and my brother is the golden child. It was like we were raised by two totally different mothers. The funny thing is that he is also "indifferent" to her narcissisms, so that's cool. He was pretty narcissistic himself in his youth, but as a grown man he has become a very decent person. He is also a good brother to me. I am grateful for the two of them getting along because while he lives close to our mother, I am able to be 3,000 miles away from her. *These videos are amazing. It's like you know my mother! Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I feel like I was the golden child my entire life until I was 17. I didn't want to play basketball anymore because I was being bullied but my narcissistic parent wanted me to remain because it gave them a source of narcissistic supply. Then I joined the military and I was golden again, but then I got a chronic illness due to the stress of upholding unrealistic expectations my entire life and due to that illness I "loss my attractiveness" in their eyes, therefore I'm no longer golden. I'm an only child and now 25. Going to therapy and realizing my parent is a narcissist has helped me tremendously because I realize that it's not about me it's about them. If I am enough to myself that is all that matters to live a happy and fulfilled life! I still love that parent and have them in my life, however I no longer try to meet their expectations. It has helped quite a bit. As always thank you for your videos! 💜💜
Good on you for gaining clarity and working past the limitations from your family structure. Dr Ramani IMO provides a wonderful source for many of us to gain understanding and strategies for navigating our family messes.
One thing to consider is maybe it wasn’t about you AND maybe it wasn’t about your narcissistic parent either (from a generational perspective). Your parent “suffers” from a lack of empathy and due to their family role could never achieve (with no circumspect or motivation to evolve) freedom from THEIR family structure. Call it generational curses or patterns, these limitations can be so difficult to break free fro
My mom was the martyr, the covert narcissist, that always pitted my GC brother and I against each other. She has passed and only years later am I waking up to the breadth and depth of the messy dynamics of our original family.
What if our crazy family stuff isn’t a curse but an opportunity to choose health and happiness for ourselves AND to heal the generational family - i.e. we find a healthier way of relating to the people we love and we consciously choose not to pass down our family crap to OUR children? Breaking tradition isn’t easy and it always pisses off the ones most insecure (afraid to give up their role because it threatens their sense of well-being). I’m not dismissing the trauma or emotional pain, but what if there weren’t really any good guys and bad guys in this life movie, just people playing their parts? Just wondering.
I truly applaud your courage......get away, stay away and create a life of happiness & peace for yourself 🙂
My dad summed up his feelings succinctly in the nicknames he gave me ("Knot Head") and my brother ("Boy Wonder").
My "golden child" brother became an insufferable narcissist, Dr. Ramani, and 11:40 minutes into this video, you nailed it! ENTITLEMENT, PRIVILEGE and DOMINATION!! For years, while our parents were still alive, he tried asserting dominance by giving me the silent treatment. When I had had enough of his abuse, and began refusing to attend family gatherings where he was included, guess who got vilified by our clueless parents! ME.
More recently (2006) he and his lawyer re-wrote my mother's will, after she'd been stricken with Alzheimer's and become senile. That original will would have split her estate evenly between us, free of trust, for us each to utilize as we saw fit. Our mother was coerced into signing this piece of crap that put MY half of that estate into a trust, with my brother getting his half free of trust without strings or restrictions. He simultaneously positioned himself as both Trustee AND "heir" (I'm without children), making his two kids my "heirs" after HIM.
Long story short, after twelve years of this nightmare, our case has finally gone to court. It's not finished yet, but it's looking like ole Douchebag is getting his smarmy ass whupped, because the judge has not shown him the sympathy he assumed he had coming. He's already been removed and replaced as trustee, and in less than two months I'll know if that arrangement becomes permanent, as I'm expecting it will. LONG OVERDUE. People like this need to get brought down to size, the sooner the better.
Without this inheritance, I would have to work until I die.
I have had my fill of narcissists. My family is contaminated by narcissism; my brother isn't the only one. I can smell one a mile away, and they STINK. Consequently I have been estranged from my blood family for years, without regret. Who the hell needs THIS?!!! Seriously.
My husband and I have had to struggle all our adult lives on the margins of society, making do on minimum wage bullshit jobs and/or freelancing as self-employed window cleaners, while my brother and his wife have enjoyed an income in the six figures. They own two homes in California: their main residence is in an expensive neighborhood in bourgeoise Orinda, their vacation home at Lake Tahoe; and his drives a fucking Tesla! Yet they think they have a right to sacrifice my retirement to make themselves even richer. My attorneys and I have got news for THEM. And when this is all over, I will see to it that my brother is out of our lives forever. Any letters he sends me will be returned unopened, any e-mails I get from him shall be deleted.
The culture we live in is a psychopath's paradise. Narcissism and psychopathy are encouraged and richly rewarded in this culture. I think this can be blamed for most, if not all, of our political & social problems in this society.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! I was waiiiiiiiting for this epsiode:)...This describes my narcissistic, covert husband and his family dynamics to a t! He is the glorified golden child always put on a pedestal with no tangible talent or achievements to back it up. He is still the most celebrated golden goose who is supremely entitled for receiving all the praise from parents and extended family members, while his sister is the perennial scapegoat. All this and more while none of them have a clue about who their covert, narcissists son/ brother is behind closed doors. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for throwing light on the golden child family dynamics.
I know all about the "Golden Child". My narc Dad alternated between my sister and I as to who was the Golden Child depending on who was away from home. When I went off to college it was me who could do no wrong. "Why can't you be like your brother". When my sister went off to college it was "Why can't you be like you sister". When we both separately left we were both the black sheep. Can't ever win at that game.
@Mystery Rosebud We rely on our faith and our Mom who loves us both unconditionally and our friends. We realized early on that our father was never going to be there for us. You know what, we don't need him. It's difficult having toxic people in our lives. Please remember that you never did anything wrong. Good luck to you.
Wow, working for positive affirmation. The scapegoat falls into this place also with much despair.
I was the golden child growing up, I was the only girl and the youngest. My mother loved the attention and praise for my singing in church. One day I told her I was done singing and she went into a complete rage. Now my brother is her golden child. I know being the “favorite” is a curse and totally conditional. I actually feel sorry for my sibling and have gone entirely no contact with my mother. Which was and is the best choice I’ve ever made in my life 🙌🏻
How you keep comunicating with your sibling after no contact with your mother? Or you cut them bout?
I’m in an urge to go no contact with mom but im afraid of losing my brothers :(
Being a golden child for my narcissistic father and a scapegoat for my narcissistic mother lead me into years of mental illness. I am just lately becoming conscious of the narcissistic family dynamics.
I'm the golden child in my family, but i really don't like this situation.
I feel bad for my big brother whenever him and my mother fight, because she always compare him to me. So most of the time after the fight, i said to my mother that comparison does no good than harm, we are different anyway. But with my brother, i'm not really close to him, so i can't talk about my mother with him. It's understandable if he hates me. I'm still figuring out how to discuss about it, because i know it's not his fault.
Sometimes my mother put too much expectation in me to be this 'perfect' kind of girl, she wants me to do some things that i don't like just to please her, as if i'm her doll. I feel what my brother feels, because we are fighting the same thing, my mother's expectation.
When my mother is in front of others or when she needs my help, she turned to be really kind, which is start to make me realize how fake she is. I've been learning about her, so whenever she 'smalltalks' me i know she wants something and i ask her straight away.
But i still try to understand the situation, because i learned that my brother is a narcissist too.
It's hard to be in a family with a narcissist, but i know we can learn about them and can treat them properly. Fighting guys!😊💕 And thank you Dr. Ramani, all of your videos is really helping for us.
Same here🥺
Be candid with your brother. What you say with him is narc maybe just learned defense mechanism.
I became a golden child of my narcissistic dad after my parents divorced, I was very smart at school, so my dad took keen interest in me and treated me very special while mistreating the rest of my siblings ( being an empath, I stood in for them several times and gave them a lot of support because I didn't even understand at that time the meaning for everything). He even redrew taking care of most of my siblings including my step siblings while he paid huge amount of money for me to do a specialise program at the university. It created a lot of envy and jealousy amongst my siblings towards me even though it was hidden. Fast forward I developed the passion to do something different from what I studied in the University and that was when everything changed.. I became the scapegoat overnight and my elderly who has always been secretly jealous of me while pretending previously to be a favourite of mine started an aggressive campaign against me because I guess he wanted to be a golden child so bad.. Everybody hates so much now and seem to want to justify their resentment towards me all these years to the extent of ruining my relationship that was almost leading to marriage...The toxicity is so much, he has turned my whole family against me with lies that I can't even defend. My father has also threatened me to pay pack what he spend for my education. They both sabotaged my marriage to a wonderful person and I feel that they will stop at nothing to see me destroyed..
... your feelings are 'spot on mate' ... they will stop at nothing...
they envy ur ability to Love and to be content ... with simple things in life... it confuses them ....
love, contentment, empathy .. they see these things as a weakness, to be exploited. run fast, run far far away..... x
I am (or was) the golden child for years. Quiet and passive about my abuse. It’s such a hard topic....thank you again Dr. Ramani ❤️
Oh WOW! Clarifies the muddy waters of 20 painful years… 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🎯
Yes! I love this because it connects a lot of the dots. "The favored child brings esteem and validation to the parent", and thereby meets an ego need which surpasses the need to be fair to all the children. Thank you. It provides another piece a place in the puzzle of my life. But just because my parents did not show any value to my skills does not mean that I don't have any and am a failure. Yay! Now all I have to do is convince my self of this. I don't have to be "the screw-up" anymore and strive to prove that I am not what I am not. I can just be myself around people who like me just the way I am.
This teaching is Amazing confirmation!
After years of abuse, confusion, repetition.
I'm amazed at your truth.
Thank you.
This was the best explanation, of the Golden child, I've ever heard.
Swept under the rug. Golden years past. Denial.
I was a GC b/c my narcissist parent named me and I looked nothing like them (I was also kind of the ghost child). Then, I came out as bi, and struggled with the same issues my narcissist parent struggles with; that's when I became the full ghost child and one of my siblings was given that GC role in order to "spite me" (it didn't work). Now that I faced my issues and began doing well in my life, the narcissistic parent is trying to make me the golden child again. that sibling who was temporarily the gc, who is also a narcissist, has taken it out on the scapegoat (our other sibling) because I implemented grey rock with them. I still live with them all, but I stopped interacting and sharing things with most of them and I'm just trying to save up and get my post secondary education in order to get away and restart my life again.
*I'm a fourteen year old scapegoat in a narc system led by my narc mother. She speaks a lot of herself, and I have high suspicions that she also grew up in a narc system, as the scapegoat.* She was physically punished by my grandpa for things her sister (my aunt) did, called the ugly one all the time, and given less resources and love. The thing is I've heard a lot that scapegoats are those who are more likely to recognize their parent's craziness, escape, and be better. My mother never did. Instead, she believes my grandpa was a great parent (despite all the abuse she received) and imitates him by abusing me and my father. She's a malignant narcissist, and a very sadistic one. On the other hand, my aunt, who was obviously the golden child doesn't seem like a narcissist to me. She has some tendencies like disregard for other's feelings, but she's not that entitled and she isn't sadistic at all.
I love my seven year old sister, I and am perfectly conscious that she is the golden child. Even though, I doubt very much she will pick on narcissistic traits at all. She has a kind heart and I'm like a second mother to her since my father separated. I myself was the golden child until my father left, when I was six, so i understand her.
How did you realize the truth at such a young age? My child is 13. Her father is a narcissist and I wish she would gain this clarity about what's going on in her life. She is so confused.
@@intelligentdeals9869 I'm gifted, supposedly my mind is 18, but my emotions are still 14, so I suffer too. I found this woman's videos on TH-cam and said, "Hey, that's my mom!". I was already suspicious she would be machiavellian or something. I recommend you tell your child, because before I found out I blamed myself for everything and almost went crazy. Knowing the truth was such a relief.
You do indeed have a lot of insight & emotional intelligence for a 14 year-old. Your siblings are lucky to have you. Hang in there - this is a brief snapshot in your life and you can have a happy, fulfilling future ... your attributes will serve you well in life 💜
My recommendation is to do well in school, keep busy out of the house, gray rock-it, and get out to college or a job away from them as soon as you graduate. Move out as soon as you can after high school. Start planning it now. Then build up your relationships with your siblings out of the purview of your mother and keep it on the down-low.
I fired my parents when I was 12, my message towards you is, you have no obligation towards saving that "household" what you do have is your time your life and that means, as long as you recognise the good from the bad, you still develop your own sense, don't invest to much of your time into their reality (because it will hold you down, and the world is moving on.) People are not interested mainly in these so called stories, until you know there is something to say at the right time (most of the time it's not), this, as weird as it sounds will not help you, you can only help yourself, control or change. The way I got away from it, was surround yourself with "healthy" ppl, so what does that look like? (reciprocal(not one way streets), do not get involved with high conflict peeps, keep yourself going surround with consistent sound individuals.) This will take time, give yourself that time, you have the right to do that. Into your spotlight.
I don't think many people realize how freaking common a narcissistic family dynamic is.
I was the golden child. Truly, I achieved beyond even my wildest dreams. Luck would have it that my brother is 10 years older and was physically abusing me likely due to his scapegoat status in my teenage years. He'd hit me, shake me awake at night and call me names....In my adulthood, I escaped the family dynamic entirely. Refused to take part in the little game. I was well on the way of becoming a narcissist myself. However, the physical abuse and complex PTSD took me right off that course. It took me years to escape the toxicity. In fact, 36 years.
proud of you (:
Thank you for your videos and counsel, Dr. Ramani. Your wisdom and insights are crucial.
My covert narcissistic mother actually "rotated" the golden child/ scapegoat status between my brother and me. When he was a toddler and preschooler, wholly dependent upon her and giving her plentiful supply, he was the golden child, and I the scapegoat (I was quite a bit older). When I went away to college, and he was in middle and high school, things switched, and she suddenly used my successes as fodder to tear him down.
The worst part was that it poisoned the relationship between my brother and I. The characterization of love as conditional is spot on. That was a lesson deeply ingrained in both of us.
My younger sister was and still is the GC in our family and I was the scapegoat. That dynamic almost destroyed me completely as I have spent too many years trying to win some sort of love and attention from my mum and sister. I have finally given up on that attempt as nothing I did was ever good enough. My GC sister grew up believing that she must be better than me in ever aspect of our lives. A few months back I went through a very traumatic experience and need space and time to process what I was dealing with and this particular act set off the most upsetting train wreck situation as they felt that no matter what I was dealing with, I was suppose to put their needs before mine. The very idea that I even tried to put myself first for the first time in almost all my life has brought out the beast mode in both my mother and sister. With every accomplishment on my side, I have had to deal with snide remarks from them. As far as they are concerned I am only entitled to scraps not great achievements. I had to finally decide that for my sanity sake to go no contact with these two. They are on a smear campaign as I speak right now. Telling everyone how much a bad person I am. I just want to be left alone henceforth. I am completely exhausted from trying to please the people that I thought as family should be on my team. I wish the the very best and hope I won't have to have anything else to do with them again
I just learned the golden child term from a co-worker, I'm taking my time to view your videos. This is very impactful especially to me; I have been trying to figure my problems on my own free time reading therapy/psychology of the human mind. Thank you for this! I want to share this to my brother as we have this dynamic in our family.
Liked before watching. I love this series.
My mother was a scapegoat, her sister the golden child. She was abused her entire childhood by her father, who raised both children alone after her mother died of cancer. He was evil even past his death, leaving his entire fortune and estate to her sister and leaving her with nothing at all. It's like something out of a movie...
What about the "Golden Disappointment" dynamic? I.E. the parent intended for you to be their their chosen one but, you just couldn't meet their expectations. I've never heard anyone speak about this.
omg this is me
This is my brother. I’m the good girl- the”” last hope”. My mom told my brother they were leaving everything to me. Tanks, Mom. My oldest brother was ignored, one was the disappointment and still is now he won’t even talk to me.
I feel this! When the roles start one way but they switch. For others I've heard about, it's when the stress of being the GC gives you anxiety or mental health issues or some other reason that you can't project perfection anymore. You learn then how conditional it all is. It messes you up for a long time.
This video really got to me. My mom was the master of this. As I learn more about narcissism I realize she not only had mental illness (psychosis) centered around religion when she wasn’t religious at all- she also had narcissism before and after. My brother, who’s deceased (died by suicide) in 2011, would call her regularly while away at college and IIIIII tried to keep a solid relationship going with him when I got a cell phone, I made sure we had each others numbers. Occasionally we’d text and I’d ask how he was in Florida. I was already very happy but growing up, my mom liked to isolate us and make us fight. Once I heard her talking on the phone at home with him. Before signing off she said, you mean Genevieve - your sister?.... oh ok, bye bye!’ Then he called me . I remember my shock at hearing her act like she couldn’t BELIEVE we’d be friendly .....she wasn’t happy, didn’t say anything warm to me or him, just hangs up in silence. I was thrilled he was open to getting along with me as adults, and still, even then, both of us in our 20s, she spits some bad attitude about it. Poor thing eventually stopped contacting me at all and relapsed on drugs then commited a violent suicide the day after he was dishcgared from the hospital. She never shed a tear, unless it was to make herself seem like a loving mom. All the loving things she did for him apparently, she’d tell family THEN start a little cry moment. How she poisons everything.....people like this ARE AS DANGEROUS AS DRUGS AND ALCHOHOL ......she runs on toxicity, his suicide was just more fuel for her soulless fat moral debauchery. I’m glad I could get away from it and find other attachments/reading about Buddhism. I’m very sad my bond with my brother was broken or couldn’t develop and she’s mostly at fault for that. He was just her pawn. They don’t see people as people, even their own children!
I have to laugh at this statement made by my narcissistic mom, she actually said that "all I ever wanted was for you and your brother to get along," when clearly her intention was to distance us. Unfortunately, it still remains today. I rarely speak with my brother.
All children deserve to be seen and heard in family
Scapegoat here. Younger sister was golden child. When she went to uni, I thought she had got away with it, meaning that she learned about the dysfunction in our family and got ‘balanced out’ if you like. But she ended up moving back in with our parents. She’s gradually got more and more entitled, rude, and lacking in empathy and I can’t stand to communicate with her now.
She keeps sending me photos of all these new clothes she’s bought and saying how people in her work ‘don’t care’ about coronavirus with laughing emojis. I’m a teacher and have seen just how much people have been impacted and can’t believe what she’s saying. She’ll text me with a long list of grievances about how she’s being mistreated in work then not reply when I say something neutral and grey rockish about my life.
It’s sad to see her go down the route of my parents. I know it only brings misery. But now it’s time for me to distance myself for my own protection.
Relate to this, in that I started to realize my mother was a narcissist during a discussion about pandemic-related issues. I started talking about a certain policy I thought would help working people and she said something to the effect of, “Well, I don’t really care.” I’m the political black sheep of my family and even my much more loving father and I fight about it a lot, so I’m used to disagreement, but having a disagreement about how to go about something is not the same as just not caring. In fact, she didn’t even disagree with me. She just DIDN’T. CARE. It was shocking. I remember realizing-for the first time ever, which is embarrassing at my age-“She just has no empathy.” I left the room because was so disgusted. THAT she cared about. She was in the middle of discussing her groceries or something and my walking away was “disrespectful”.
I think I've been a golden child, and never noticed... I'm my grandparent's favorite, my mother may be a benign narcissist. I've grown up with an awful sense of codependency and lack of self worth. I became an artist - something both my grandparents and parents wanted for themselves earlier in life & encouraged. I ate the attention up, to be left with the feelings that I was only loved because of my art... so I made art to please them, not myself. 13 years of hollow feelings and I'm waking up to the reality that I'm not creating for myself. I question who I really am, and if I should even continue creating some days.
Being the golden child is tough also. You are only loved as long as you do what your parents want you to do. Choosing a career, a spouse, friend... it all comes down to obeying their choices. Having a sister who is a scapegoat also causes a lot of guilt and elicits envy and jealousy from your sibling which is a double whammy. My scapegoat sister is now a flying monkey which makes it harder to talk to her.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for doing these videos. You have helped so many people. You just don’t know how life changing these videos are to some people.
Please see if you can talk about forgiveness after coming out of the narcissistic relationship and how we can avoid flashbacks
I was the oldest and the scapegoat while my younger sister, the Golden. She tried to get close to me after our mother passed but she never had my back and it was the two of them and me. I have done a lot of work on this. I don't know how to engage with her now. She wants me to feel sorry for her but with all the years of being an outsider, I can't do it. Thanks for comments.
The truth is: you can not avoid flashbacks. It is somerhing happening subconsciously and even automaticly within your brain. Rather try to radically accept what you relive and mache - for the first time in your life - acknowledge what you went through.
Perhaps you have to dismiss the old thinking of what seemed so worthy to achive, and what made you worthy... please notice:I am gerrman and my english may sound harsh. But i never entended to harm you.
Richard Grannon has some ideas look him up TH-cam
@@leslee7059 I feel you.....them and me. Always on the outside looking in. Never being good enough, ni matter what you accomplish. It like a bad episode of mean girls.
@@danieb4273 How can you trust anyone after that?
This was so illuminating. As the scapegoat + the eldest (…tl;dr), my siblings and I all understood, hated and yet accepted/normalized/intuited our roles in the family dynamic. As adults we can't help but struggle + chafe at where it's left us and where we are in navigating our relationship today
I was a golden child, and my first son was treated by his grandma as a golden grandchild. We both felt terrible for the others (invisible) family members and both held a bushel over our light because of that. It was terribly confusing. We felt the need to balance out the unfairness, but you simply can't win in it. When you cut yourself back, it feels like a charity to the victims, they don't like that either.
What really helped me is to understand, that we all must (and only can) make ourself happy. We can't make each other happy, its an inside job, no matter on which side of the unfairness you stand.
I look so forward to these daily educational videos. You are a gem and truly appreciated for enlightening many generations about narcissism.
Yes, and "many generations" is my favorite part of your observation. It's for everyone all at the same time, and it helps everyone at all ages.
I was probably the closest to "the Golden Child" except EVERYTHING I did was wrong. I had to get the highest grades, be in every club, every sport, cook, clean, raise my siblings. If I slipped up on ANY of these things I was beaten or worse.I was paraded around like a well trained show dog. None of us were treated very "golden" but I was the one that shouldered the burden of making her look good.
Although, I'm sure I would've been treated more "golden" if I shut up and listened 😂 I would always protect my siblings against her. I would never let the "invisible child" feel invisible. I wouldn't let her pin my siblings against each other (her favorite manipulation tactic). And I would call her out on her BS every chance I got. But unfortunately for her, she couldn't knock me off my perch because I worked my ass off in school, sports and clubs. But I did it for my siblings not for her.
Very upsetting and devastating and I love my siblings.
Thank you again. Spot effing on as usual. Many thanks!!
You just perfectly described my older brother. He carried that sense of entitlement far into his adulthood, and even to this day.
I was the golden child for all my childhood because I had the best grades. I got the best education and even my siblings would say that I was the brain of the family. However I never felt recognition, only was pressured to keep having high performance. I think the roles switched when I started dancing, which is one of my passions, and my parents were not ok with it. Then life was even more difficult for me since the financial support got lowered because I was doing what I loved. My brother was the scapegoat and he grew up being jealous of me. I left my parents house 10 years ago but he and my two sisters stayed. I feel that even when I was the golden child I had a lot of scapegoat treatment because I never felt good enough for my parents anyway
"Feeling bad because the parent(s) have done so much for you"- that hit me. That cognitive dissonance and confusion is difficult to grapple with. Breaking out of the golden child role and being and acting authentically you takes so much courage but is completely worth it.
I have always been the scapegoat. Weird how one of my parents favored my stepsibling as a goldenchild, but acusing me of all sorts of B.S., projecting alot. My stepsibling then turned out to adopt that toxic lifestyle of an addict, while I was always acused of doing drugs. Not that I am a functioning person at all, but I did never do any hard drugs. They have all cleaned up now I guess, but the goldenchild image seems shattered. Pretty sure that the parent is clinging to the scapegoat thing, even if it has been proven to be wrong in so many ways. Now that they need my help, not the other way around, it is hard to be the bigger person, but I have always been that kind of guy.
thank you for such validation. I never even realized there were words to define this.
I was the scapegoat or black sheep. Interestingly my narc dad said to me when I was an adult that I was the strongest but the most vulnerable
When i was a kid he used to tell me he would break my spirit. I was determined he would not
Good for you for not allowing him to break you! My mother would say similar things to me as I was growing up. I'm the scapegoated black sheep as well. I was naive due to my innocence and being a doormat. When she couldn't control me, she labeled me as "demonic", "bitch", "c*nt", "witch", etc.
auaticamazon I'm glad you won.
I've watched many of these videos lately, and Dr. Ramani has described almost everything to a tea ... I'm 50, and her words make me cry because of their accuracy, from truth teller, conflict, rumination, chaos, gaslighting, triangulation, resources, Golden Child, sibling rivalry, conditional love ... expectations, vessel of aspiration ... grief, shame, guilt, hate, anger, rage ... denial ... etc ... crashing, confusion, illness, depression ... development of personal narcissism ... seclusion ... honestly, at 50, helps me heal from the things I did not understand.
i always knew something was off with my dad, something just wasnt right about the way he conducted himself. i was the GC and my siblings were lost and scapegoated. all the bluster he threw around about me being "honorable" and a "family man", i never bought into it. im glad i didnt, because it didnt hurt so much when i chose my young developing family over him and his secrets (he was having a longterm affair and had me help him hide it) Its weird changing sides, hiding his secrets for him one day and having to explain years worth of secrets the next. it hurt for a long time, but when dealing with Narcs; the love you feel for them isnt shared. its not real love. to them, its the kind of love you feel for a gastation thats a block away from home. convenience, nothing more.
Well done, that’s appreciated, my golden child sibling repeat and scapegoating and the abuse continues
Dakota have you perhaps seen stories of old...
complete review of Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us: Part 2
Content:
00:00 Introduction: Dostoevsky’s Plague
06:36 Part 1: A Beautiful Lie
13:05 Part 2: Images of Cities Past
19:14 Part 3: Living a Narrative
24:56 Part 4: A Conflicted Journey
31:03 Part 5: Back to the Beginning
36:05 Part 6: Another Three Days
43:47 Part 7: An Ugly Truth
51:03 Part 8: Future Days
m.th-cam.com/video/XfLOkBkfD2U/w-d-xo.html
Truth! The love you feel for a gas station, haha thats a good one.
Great video. I was the golden child and it has really affected my adult life, unable to feel a sense of pride in myself regardless of what I achieve. Thanks for this video.
You are actually describing me!!
I was the child with the bigger room than my sister. I was the child who continued on in my school to my high school and my sister was picked out of her school when we moved house into a different school entirely.
I was very good at gymnastics and swimming and I probably did get the validation and the praise in the beginning.
You are right there is a lot of strain being the golden child. I used to enjoy it when my parents thought I was all wonderful but it's the constant pressure to be on form everyday.
Realistically one of my fears has been not to be seen as good enough. I've always aimed to please my mom right from a child to get the approving looks and from teachers at schools and even from bosses at the work place as I got older.
My Dad was the golden child when it came to his Mom. I know that. Mom was jokingly say she thinks the sun shines out of his ass.
But like any body else I fear letting my family down. I fear the disappointment in her eyes. I just wanted to make her proud of me and I've had moments where I'm not sure if I even got it. When I moved out of home it was the best thing for me, I had my own private space to breakdown as and when I needed to and he allowed to be myself around my fella, I could be in a mood if I wanted to be. I didn't have no one controlling how many pieces of toast I had etc.
I know I did take the spotlight.
My parents only thought well of me if I did what I was told and never did anything upsetting but I was a child, I was gunna make mistakes. I did. I couldn't take any more disappointment telling Mom the truth over something I did - so I wouldnt come to her with problems or things that I think she'd get disappointed over. I couldn't bare to see those eyes.
I know when my mom thinks well of me, in her eyes, the way she looks, I'm more than extra sensitive to every sensitive to every micro expression she makes.
Sister said when I moved out she felt she was seen
This video has pointed out to a tee what my childhood was like (not knowing it was called the golden child) it has inspired me to stand up against my narcissistic family and support my brother who is the scape goat. i have always felt like a puppet growing up (i was talented at sport and my parents were heavily invested). I have been apart from my family dynamic for a while and can finally see it from a distance. this video was very inspiring. thankyou so much.
I remember having emotional breakdown as a teen bc it was SO difficult to try to be "perfect" all the time. I advocated for my "scape goat" sibling and turned into the "fixer" only for her to later in life tell me she wished I never came back. She had a great relationship with the narc parent if i wasnt around.
My cousin was the golden child in her family. She grew up not only a bully but also using black magic to control everyone behind the scenes. Not just her family but her other relatives as well. No one was ever supposed to know but the Lord showed me.
The weird part in our family is that it was already too late for us to realize that there are 2 main narcissists; our mother (garden variety) and her mother. Being firstborn daughter / grandchild, I was my mom's scapegoat yet my grandmother's golden child.
My mother's golden child is my brother (first born son - 2nd to me as we are all 4 (we were followed by another brother (middle child) and sister (youngest). It is with this set yo that I usually always end up being stuck in between both my mom and grandma's fights.
Despite all the chaos we grew up with, so far we siblings have made a strong bond despite our dispositions. We all miss him our golden child as he just recently passed away a year ago. Despite him knowing he was the golden child of our mom and me being my grandmother's we 2 made it a point that we siblings stick for each other then and now
Tough spot to be! My sis was the golden child to my grandma and the scapegoat to my dad! Being the golden child by a narcissist actually sucks because you're loved conditionally! I hated being the golden child
I was a golden child when I was really young because I got good grades in school and was good at creative writing, and my little brother didn't. I was constantly overpraised and told I would become this hugely famous and talented author. As soon as I reached my teen years, the roles reversed, and to this day I'm the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child who can do no wrong. Though my mother can still be quite critical of him, it's nowhere near the level of emotional abuse I had to endure throughout my life, and the damage that being overestimated early in life did to my self-esteem still sticks with me to this day and makes me feel like I'm worthless.
Being the only child, I used to be the golden child and my mother the scapegoat but once I began voicing my own opinions and my annoyances, I became the scapegoat and my mother became his enabler as if she was so relieved not to be the target anymore.
very very timely video because afte the lockdown these dynamics are very apparent since during the lockdown we were pushed to stay closer. Doctor Ramani always at the top.
I grew up as a golden child, did everything to please my narc parent. Got a degree from a first-class uni, but ran away the day of my graduation. We’ve been in no contact ever since. I wouldn’t let her claim that trophy that she always dreamed of since my childhood, which I still can’t forgive my family for ruining