What surprises me is the shock that such parents have, as if they were besties with their kids prior to the estrangement. It usually shows the dissonance involved in those relationships, and that's usually a good place to start: what was the ACTUAL relationship like prior to estrangement
It will be interesting to see this generation become the parents. Having been on both sides of this issue, I regret that I was not more sympathetic with my own parents when they were alive. I am glad that I did not entirely cut them out of my life.
Actually any parent who thought they were a “bestie” with their kid is exactly the place to start. It’s not their job to be friends. That’s how it was with our mom. She wanted desperately to be “the cool mom” and then when we “made” her be a parent she would blow up in a rage and threaten us with abandonment at every turn. There was nothing “cool” about that.
Everyone does “something wrong” , that’s not the point. Unless there was outright abuse, get over it. To look back and start complaining now about various aspects of how you were raised is looking for unnecessary estrangement. My parents weren’t perfect but I didn’t stop seeing them, (until later in my life I had to stop seeing my mother. I’d finally figured out she didn’t really care). If it weren’t for that I’d have continued to accept all her flaws, partly because I’m not without flaws. But I did stop seeing her, long story. I didn’t want to go that far though.
@@angelwings7930..i don't think you read and thought through the person's comment. It's not about the parents flaws or even abuse ...it's their dismissal, minimization, and denial of it. Does this make sense? I want to make sure I explained it clear enough.
..also I just wanna say I'm so sorry. And I did Chuckle at your comment since it's so relatable. Its like parents who are estranged MUST also have unhealthy marriages because they must just not know how to have any healthy relationships. And maybe if they had learned to have a healthy marriage.... They never would have ended up with EAC.
Dad married another family, so he told us he never wanted us, and leave him alone with his new family. They will be there for him when he dies. They're better than his own kids 🤗. Huge self esteem blow. Always felt like a failure around him. Took me a long time away from that family to finally realize that I'm not.
Only a very weak person would say that to their children. I’m sorry you went through that, but realize your dad was broken. He must have had a bad childhood and never gained the skills.
my dad didn't *say* that. But he made it very clear that I (non binary lesbian) am not really as much his family as his 4th wife and her two kids. Cause they're both super homophobic and wanna raise the kids that way and find every excuse to bitch at me for any amount of self expression that goes against their idea of "normal". I was 17 at the time and he never really acted like that before. So I just tried to stay in my room to avoid the conflicts he always insisted on having whenever we were in the same room. Bullshit fights picked about political issues that he doesn't really care about, but knows that (due to growing up in poverty, trauma, and in a mixed race house at my mom's house) I wil have a strong emotional reaction to that he can make fun of and talk about how the libs are just over emotional and can't just have a conversation without taking everything so personally etc. a lot of talking points about "welfare queens" and how "you shouldn't feed the animals at the park or they'll grow lazy. Same with welfare" and shit like that. But nooooo my dad couldn't stand me "not being part of the family" or choosing to engage with people who respect and uplift me online, rather than his toxic bullshit irl that he wanted to surround me with. So one of his methods of punishing me (for sleeping in until 8 on saturday) was to take the stepkids out of town to look at kittens. I realized I was home alone, so I cleaned everything. Spotless. A full day's effort, and I was sure he'd be happy and my therapist would be too. And everything would be fine. he came home calling me a bitch, and shut off internet access, nd then Made a loud announcement about how everyone needs to load up for a family dinner. My oldest step sister came to me to tell me for him that I'm not allowed because it's "family only". Then I got really suicidal and almost couldn't contact anyone cause my mom wouldn't answer her phone and without internet I didn't have contact info for anyone else. But eventually my mom did come through and help me relax a little. My dad acted all smug about it. I unleashed on him about what a fucking asshole he is and how I almost killed myself because of his stupid power tripping bullshit, so I hope it's as much fun for him as he's acting like over there. (I was on anti depressants for the first time. I think I have bipolar. Hence the huge high energy mood shifts here) So a few weeks later his mom asked me about it and I told her. SO he came in suicide baiting me in order to try to manipulte me into shutting up and never speaking about these things unless I'm prepared to act on it immediately and not seek out someone to talk me down, cause that isa jusat "faking it for attention:" and "refusing to actually go through with it, or anything else in your life" also "even if you did actually try, you're girl (bonus misgendering) so you'd fail anyway" (which is the exact moment I chose to no longer put in any effort and to just end the relationship outright) He still bitches to my aunt that I won't talk to him for "political reasons" and because I'm just "too intolerant of different beliefs" and how special he wants to feel for not just simply refusing to house me until/unless I identify and act as a straight girl, cause he's soooooo open minded to "let me believe I'm whatever I decide is edgy and not take it so personally" Bro the main reason you take my gayness personally is cause your mom thinks gayness is caused by sexual assault, and you molested me when I was 12, before I came out. You blame yourself so you shame and abuse me. Without recognizing my own well being or mental health once at all through the process. (Yes he shares memes about doing transphobic violence to "protect his daughter from sexual predators in the bathroom" and got pretty flustered when I'd respond with how he's not protecting shit and people who share these memes are always hiding their own pedophilic tendencies through aggressive scapegoating and feigned outrage)
I didn't report the sexual assault for 3 main reasons. 1)It was only once and wasn't really "severe" it feels like an over reaction to turn it into a whole thing. Which I knew adults would do on principal. But I wasn't hurt or even naked and it didn't last for long (just dry humping and seeming like he intended more before snapping out of it) 2) He was a good dad. Like basically the best you could hope for. I wish he'd moved closer to my mom, but he doesn't like all the brown people in oklahoma so made sure he was put in wyoming (he was in the military and could have gone back to his civilian job in all kinds of locations). But other than that and finding excuses to wiggle out of child support and make classist and often racist remarks, he wasn't really bad. He was funny, emotionally available, listened, called every day, made things special etc. And even when he wasn't really such a good dad anymore and more frustrated, annoyed, and picking fights. He was still better than my stepdad, and my mom by proxy. (also of her own merit really. SHe's only nice when not living with her. And even then only if she thinks being nice can convince you to live with her again) 3) I was already hiding so many crimes against me that were way worse (like broken collar bone, chokings, other sexual assaults etc) and it just felt kinda weird, pointless, and petty to out this one, of all them. Like what would even be the point? How much worse would I feel covering up for my stepdad, while I condemn my dad to probably be treated absolutely terribly by the legal system, and individuals who cross his path? over a single mistake? I couldn't bring myself to do that. And I do regret it. Because he really never did value me at all after that. He keeps getting more hateful and more stuck in his ways refusing to acknowledge any issues at all that are serious. And he keeps getting new stepkids and keeps tossing his wives aside once whichever kid was closest to but not over the age of 11 (price is right rules) started rejecting him and his interests more, asserting their own personality, having any mood instability etc. Often he would be very close to that step child before suddenly hating them for no apparent reason other than insisting they've changed in all these terrible ways. (like one step sister used to really like trains with my dad. And he loved it. But she eventually decided she liked horses more and wanted to watch more horse shows and learn more horse trivia. So my dad started bullying her and calling it stupid and saying she only likes horses because she wanted to insult trains etc) and these petty fights with children would result in their mom leaving him and him hooking up with someone new within a few months. Often married a couple months later.
Sometimes it's easier for kids like you that have parents say or do things so insane straight out like that because at least you can hold them at fault it's harder for people that have tricky families and passive aggressive people pleaser self righteous parents because you can't get them to admit anything and the cognitive dissonance is off the charts
Giving relationship advice to narcissists is like giving socialization skills to a serial killer. All you're doing is giving them tools to blend in and lure more victims. The only advice narc "parents" should get is "Get over it. Your victims recognize you for what you are. Mourn it like a death and move on." When I cut ties, the breeders became even MORE controlling of the other two siblings and never even talked about me anymore.
@@jamilgotcher5456 Aren't you a bitter one! All my 'family' ever did was critique/exaggerate my 'flaws' while being the miserable ones and blaming Scapegoat Me for them being unhappy. LOL Your Narc is showing...
@@jamilgotcher5456 couldn’t care less what state of mind or peace they’re at. They all got replaced with a quickness with how they treated me. Oh well that’s karma. They can stew in their righteous BS 😂
Tell that to my mother who told me she never wanted me and always hated me the moment the came out of her. Growing up she tells me she wishes she aborted me.
My favorite thing is how the parents always are just so absolutely dumbfounded by their child's estrangement, even though this kind of no contact NEVER comes without prior warning. These types of parents simply are unable to take on any kind of criticism, it absolutely terrifies them. The way they truly perceive the situation, is that they once had an absolutely beautiful relationship with their child(usually, it actually means the child was under their thumb and emotionally enmeshed), then all of a sudden the child simply wants nothing to do with them, completely out of the blue. They'll mention, in their scattered recollection of the account, very minor things they did, and act like those are the reasons, and so naturally, they are dumbfounded as to why when they've been perfect besides mistakes everybody makes. When you read between the lines, you will actually find they know EXACTLY why their children are estranged, but they simply cannot compute why it's a problem, so they think it's some kind of smokescreen. These people are so incapable of respecting others boundaries, that they simply cannot even see why someone would have a problem with the things they do. They view their children as extensions of them, a slightly more independent form of property. Say it's a mom, she constantly undermines her daughter in laws role as a parent of her grandchildren, she wants to be called mom by her grandchildren, she takes away firsts like first haircuts, she grabs the baby out of the moms arms, and demands time with the baby away from the parents. The daughter in law, naturally feels undermined, she feels like MIL is constantly trying to take her place and undermine her position. If you talk to a parent who has been estranged from this kind of jealous and boundary stomping behavior, they will tell you "I was just being a good grandmother, I offered to babysit, I spoiled my grandchildren, I even offered to hold the baby when I could tell the mom was tired! I went out of my way to be a good grandmother, and I all of a sudden have my son telling me I'm not his wife and that I'm just a grandmother!" You see the way these kinds of parents will minimize their own behavior and paint it a way that makes them seem the victim. They will admit to very tiny mistakes, but never give you the full picture. They are simply incapable of seeing what they're doing, because it's often very very deeply ingrained behavior that is an automatic response, they aren't doing it purposely, they are doing it because that's who they are, it's all they know. Then you have the communities of all these estranged parents that highlight this behavior and lack of insight in a very profound way, it is an echo chamber of victimhood.
@@Anna-wx4hoMy parents have been absolutely dumbfounded as to why I would want to escape their enmeshed, codependent relationship. I notice that older generations seem to be so worried about “influences” that cause their children to “turn away.” So often this just mean that the parent no longer has any control and they absolutely hate that.
To hell with your boundaries. We used to call it respect. Look at the world now days! Its a nightmare! Unless you were beaten or molested or starved or Mentally abused, You need to just be thankful. Because what is coming out of this generation is going to be suffering like you never knew suffering. Save yourself!
@ginagilliam7929 good job missing the point entirely, what you just said is basically "I can do whatever I want, there are kids starving in Africa afterall!" It doesn't hold water, just because the world has issues doesn't give you the right to cross the boundaries of others, respect is a two way street. And estrangement as adults rarely is solely because of what happened in childhood, it's because of behaviors that continue into adulthood. Nobody HAS to keep in contact with people that don't respect them, their rules, or the people they've decided to have in their lives.
I don’t care if my mom writes an encyclopaedia of her mishaps and abuse. I will never speak with her again. I have worked far too long and far too hard to heal myself and break down the barriers of abusive patterns to give her a chance she is not entitled to. To any parents out there who are trying to “get your kid back” just don’t. If you fucked up, the least you can do is let them go, let them be happy without you. Just because you aren’t happy without them doesn’t mean you get to try and budge your way into their life when they don’t want you in it. Leave them alone. Stop bothering them. Stop calling, they moved on, they are doing their own thing, I suggest you move on too.
@@RustyShakleford1 not pertinent. I see a person who cut me off, cut off best friend, cut off 1st boyfriend all "old" friends wants to make new ones & hasn't. There is a true problem here - in reality - not fiction.
Mine does videos about how people are GREAT & in the same BREATH says she doesn't need anyone, very 😕 confused. Not mentally healthy & I put up with much worse while she lived here. Almost feel FREE - just like she thinks she is doing, doesn't want car, job, marriage, college & then backslides into: if you have car, place to live, food, job...very confused & sad.
@@RustyShakleford1 I protected her from becoming pregnant on the f couch drug house across the street & the 2 boys & purple haired drug girl that is next door neighbor who had 2-3 abortions & 1 kid. Yes I was strict & I had every reason for her not to grow, that way, she cut best friend & 1st boyfriend out too. Not the same situation as yours, entirely different, obviously.
@@RustyShakleford1 Mom (me) didn't put her in daycare, I left a good job & did construction maintenance, hard work for a woman, so I could take her to work with me for safety & love.
These disturbingly unaware comments by estranged parents are making my own decision to go no contact easier to be confident in. Sadly it's not unlike my own parents. Been around 8 months of no contact and I feel like I'm getting healthier now that I can be more myself and surround myself with healthier people.
Same, it's been 8 months for me too since I (the only child of codependent /narcissistic parents) went no contact. I couldn't take their emotional abuse anymore. Therapy made me realize where my own acting our behaviors were coming from, and I slowly began to see how it was traced to my parents. They are clueless as alway. I felt massive guilt at first but after I started to get back return investment on my peace and time, it was easier to accept my actions of going No Contact. Despite all their insistence of "family is evrything", they didn't tell anybody until my mom broke down and spilled the beans which got some other family members to start badgering me about going back in contact. Escaping this cult-like family is such a curse, it's easier to win the lottery!
If you ever need more material to reaffirm your decision, there's a new TH-cam channel called Estranged Parents, the comment sections of which are a goldmine of self-delusion and unaccountability. These people are never getting their kids back.
@Wayne M Wayne, I am really sorry to hear these and trust me all relevant to me. All I remember from my childhood is fighting, arguing, abusing, and neglect. My sister and I were invisible in their eyes and our emotions or thoughts were invalid. We were there to serve them and obey their commands. I remember that my mom didn't want us to cry when we hurt. Once I spilled hot water on myself while prepering food for guests and I started screaming, but she said "shut up our guests will hear you" Our guests were more important than my pain. I became a depressed person after so many things like that and couldn't there for my children. They grew up with depressed mother, and I blame myself for not getting better quickly.
Its in childrens nature to always choose the happiness of the parents. It takes a lot for them to cut ties with their parents. So to be "clueless" and "confused" as to why just adds to the right decision the child has made, going no contact with you.
@@maxtroy. On behalf of the parents who report having no idea what they did to warrant No Contact. Many of them treat their children with disrespect that they themselves would never tolerate. If your behavior isn’t loving, then it’s a lie to say you love unless you qualify it, as in, I love to use you. My mother distanced herself from her own mother for the same reasons so of course she knows!
I was going to therapy when I finally decided to cut my parents off and I wrote a letter to them I detailed my reasons why, what actions they have made that have brought us here, I even thanked them for the little things but ultimately told them they no longer have access to me. It did my peace wonders. And I really hope my decision was a slap in the face enough for them to realize their idea of me is just a fabrication in their own mind. A fantasy. Apparently, ever since, I hear that my mother has only grown bitter and argumentative. So much for all that Jesus she threw around. Thanks doc!
I struggled for decades with a narcissistic mother and a father with undiagnosed (yet obvious) Asperger's. It was brutal. My childhood was lost to their excessive disciplining, my young adulthood was lost to their disapproval and nagging expectations. Now I'm 45 years old, I haven't spoken to them in years, I do whatever the fuck I want to, I'm wildly successful & I feel great. Lonely at times, if anything. I guess it's a trade-off. I'll take it.....
E. Rock Freedom Same here. Mine are brutal and sadistic to the max. Too long of a story but at least I got out Totally over 20 years ago and never looked back. like Daniel has said THEY LEFT US A LONG TIME AGO BY NEVER BEING THERE FOR US AND WE JUST DID IN KIND AS WE GOT OLDER AND FIGURED IT OUT. God bless you and stay strong.
Claire JR God bless you. This is rampant in our families. You are far from alone. Continue to be educated on this dynamic. The more you see how literally dangerous our parents are or were u will get more convicted of how correct you are. We cannot be our authentic selves until that fantasy bond is broken for good.
To put it this way; if someone had filmed my toxic parents, and especially my father, with a hidden camera during my childhood and then uploaded the videos on youtube, he would probably have received death threats. My parents literally ruined my life. It's too late for my father. If he should ever try to reach out, I'm not interested. I lost that interest a long time ago. During my teenage years and 20s there was countless times where I would have violent fantasies where I was beating the crap out of him with a baseball bat. After all these years, I sometimes still get furious just by thinking about him (and my mother as well). The worst advice I read on the net is "have you ever tried to talk to your parents and tell them what you feel?".
I had horrible alcoholic father issues and saved my grandma from being beat up then told to stop crying I will beat you til you bleed. I'm 60 and the parent. Maybe ACOA would help you stop blaming sick people like it did me. Bitterness is toxic
@@doctordemento965 An advice nobody asked for,. And it doesn't make sense. First of all I don't need to be forgiven. Forgiven for what? Nobody has any right to forgive someone where there is nothing to forgive. And the word itself has very little meaning in this context since it from a psychological point if view simply means to let go. It's not brooding or something all people hold on to on a daily basis, it's something that sometimes surface whether you want or not. Nobody should automatically assume otherwise when they don't know the person.
@@Langkowski I have to agree. I was encouraged to give up another analogy to forgiveness. I don't forget. I haven't met anyone that didn't have evil parents. I'm lucky I guess I didn't get so involved in the victim personality . getting stuck in being the victim can lead to a mass baby temper tantrum , not taking self responsibility to grow up and basically blaming everyone for personal failures. Yes it sucked to be the grown up at 4. Yes they were drunk shallow rich parents and? Grieving is important just don't get stuck there
@@starsstripes2393 I want to get to that place of indifference too..... its going to be a long road. I do not visualise them in my future and need to learn to live with it without the pain and anger.
@@vivdoolan6846 Believe me it does get easier,there's days if not weeks that go by and they don't even cross my mind,mothers day and fathers day use to really upset me - But this year I just sailed through it.
Silverline88 Yes you are on point. I also believe this is why so many parents are NEVER visited in assisted living homes. I know I never visited and never will visit my father where he is. I have a younger brother, he’s in his early 50s now who is our father’s conservator and told me I’m the worst person in the world bc I will not visit him. My brother is a delusional idiot who has this ridiculous fantasy bond STILL with this man. I told a therapist I know on talk radio about this and he told me not only is my brother in major denial but that he is dangerous and I owe my family NOTHING and to never visit my father at all which I already knew I was not going to do anyway. I have been numb to their nonsense and cruelty forever. My brother hates me so much that he hopes I die alone and miserable. My family IS A REAL PIECE OF WORK TO SAY THE LEAST and I’m the oldest of 7 if u can imagine that. Not one ally in this family. I’m the only one who tells the truth and had enough courage to GET OUT over 20 years ago. It’s literally like I can’t believe I have the Same DNA. Ive been the scapegoat forever also. It’s made me a very strong person and a fierce child advocate. I thank God for this. God bless you and congratulations FOR GETTING IT.
@@laraoneal7284 I am in the process of really taking distance and sticking to this. They keep on trying to get me back with their toxic lies about me. It's the only way they ever had to control me: making me believe I'm the worst person in the world and don't deserve anything. The only way to gain back my life and confidence is setting firm boundaries; I don't except any negativity anymore. It tells me a lot about the huge frustration my sister is experiencing now because she's losing the control finally. Trying to keep me a captive is all they've ever known and truly they call this love and say I'm the crazy one. The usual, for us scapegoats.. I'm working my way out and have found a good therapist as well who works with narcissims survivors.
Wayne M It sounds corny but better late than never. It is amazing how miserable ppls adult lives are bc they never break the sick fantasy bond with their parents. It is tragic bc they will never be their authentic selves.
@@laraoneal7284 It's true, but I believe everyone has a sick fantasy bond. It's very hard to break, when you don't know how your life's gonna be. There's so much fear involved for people, breaking up with their family. Taboos, fear of abandonment et cetera. (But the abandonment has already happened of course). I'm trying to heal my inner child, while keeping my family at a distance. It's a very deep soul-searching adventure. And it's very hard to start caring for yourself and your inner child better, much better than your parents ever could or did. I want to forgive them because it gives me more inner peace, but this is a process as well.
You forgot the magic words. #1 I am sorry and #2 I was wrong. My mom would prefer to be dissolve in acid instead of saying those words. LOL I'm happy I can laugh about it today. I'm free :D
Sorry isnt enough for me. "Im so sorry i abandoned my kids..." So, what? Do something about it if you're really sorry. But i understand where you're coming from.
I wouldn't expect them to do something about it because I'm a grown up person now, but just saying sorry doesn't make up for my whole messed up life and psyche. And that is despite all the circumstances that weren't even their fault. Some were though and there was always responsibility. Sorrynotsorry. I will need to do a lot of healing before I would come in peace with it. But if one of them would somehow recognize their own childhood traumas and will be trying to find ways to heal them that would be awesome.
Dave Murray My parents are the same and the went no contact over 20 years ago and yes I’m free also. These types of parents are the RULE NOT THE EXCEPTION. I’ve been in it and researching it for over 25 years and it is clear. God bless you.
I was really happy to hear what this man is saying. My childhood was one big nightmare. As I grew into adulthood, I realized that my parents would have done many years of jail time for the horrible things they did. I had a poor example of parenting from them, I took it as a beneficial warning as to what NOT to do. When I went back to my parents to talk to them, it was total denial. According to them, they were completely correct in depriving me of food as a punishment, the beatings I received from which I still have scars were because I was a horrible child. I cut ties, didn't see them for the last 20 years of their lives. Because I broke free at age 18, I fared better than my 5 siblings. My siblings all have extreme dysfunctional relationships, substance abuse, alcohol addiction. 2 of my younger siblings died very young from morbid obesity. I was not a perfect parent, no one is. I did try very hard to break the cycle of abuse, for the most part, I did. When my children came to me, as adolescents & young adults, about that which I did that hurt them? I felt that I wanted t do better than my parents. Although I saw the situations differently than my children did, I acknowledged their pain, apologized, asked for forgiveness. It has made a big impact in beautiful ways. It strengthened our bonds, drew us closer in a healthy way. All 4 of my children are happy, kind hearted, educated adults, happily married, making positive contributions to the world. If I died today, I would die happily, knowing that all four of my babies are happy, are more than able to take care of themselves.
Hey Daniel, I really want to thank you for posting this video and for having some nuance around this issue. Eleven years ago I distanced myself from my mother because I felt resentment around a few things, specifically the emotions I felt like I had to suppress growing up (even though she loving generally, I didn’t feel like I had a place to really share negative feelings I was experiencing). I didn’t go home for thanksgiving or Christmas, a first for me. What unfolded was a months long email dialogue between me and her. She explained that growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father didn’t give her the tools to support me emotionally the way I needed to be as a very sensitive child, and she apologized for that. I gave her “drama of the gifted child” and she read that and we talked about it too. Eventually, we repaired our relationship. She passed away 6 years ago, and I wish we could have had more time to dive deeper into what she experienced as a child, but I’m overall grateful she was able to listen to me and I do think our temporary rift was necessary for us to get to a better place. I hope more parents watch your video and genuinely take something constructive from it. Thank you for the work you are doing Daniel. There isn’t a video you post that doesn’t make me think more deeply and profoundly about the world, and I appreciate that!
Being raised by my mom was like a soap opera and we were captive extras. It was constant and I mean constant drama. I am so much better but every now and again I get flashbacks and I am in awe that I got away and I am in my present situation. It's unbelievable and I have to ground myself that yes I am safe now. It's tragic. God help us all.
Mental illness, drugs and toxic extended family members, who are in denial about these problems, can poison a child against a parent. I swear I've tried nearly everything you've advised (including therapy) and ended up being severly beaten. My advice: Cut all ties and go "no contact" with severely dysfunctional family, before you have a child.
Kids don't leave their parents for no good reason. I've separated from mine for years and now but was there when they were ill and died, etc. I still refuse to attend family events. My siblings expext me to show up and are resentful when I don't. I think by doing this, they feel I've taken some power away from them.
@Ronald Hidde Well I had that fear at first. And then I realized i may or may not feel devastated *in the future*. But I know for sure that keeping toxins in my life is devastating to my well being *in the present*. In addition, after I walked away, the assholes started paying people to stalk me. That convinced me I made the right call, and they really are more vicious than I was ever willing to believe. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I started healing after taking that very painful step.
It's tough breaking away,I did it many times and went back.i just wasnt strong enough.Then oneday I just got kicked in the teeth a little bit harder.Enough was enough.
I believe some parents don't realize the things that they thought were "not that bad" and forgiveable were extremely hurtful for to their children. My parents included. For example I grew up in a household where my Mom could say any and everything to hurt us and we were still suppose to love her because she's our Mom(She'll even tell you that). Now that we're adults and no one talks to her, she trashes us to the family and claims that she wasn't a bad mother. So threatening, beating, and spitting on your children doesn't make you a bad mother??? In order to be on good terms with my mother, you have to sacrifice your respect. She believes that if you're a mother you can do bad things to your children and your children should love you regardless. She thinks that you can put your children last but your children should always put you first.
I ran away from home at 13 and kept running away. When you stay outside of the family, the family justifies your absence to others. As time goes on, the fake version of you is the only one they can accept in public. When psychologists discuss dysfunctional family roles, they describe the family scapegoat as the "Identified patient". That was my role. I was institutionalized from 13-17 for running away from a bad situation. At this time of year I'm reminded that every fall my mother pays for everyone's airfare to Thanksgiving ... everyone but me, that is. Almost 50 years later, I remain ... Uninvited. :-)
For the parents in the comments disagreeing with this video and/or blaming their children instead of looking within, I think the reason you’re not able to understand your adult child’s perspective is because you have a wounded inner child and unprocessed trauma. Once you reflect on your own dysfunctional upbringing and childhood, will you understand that you repeated patterns that were not healthy and it hurt your child(ren). If their childhood was really that great, you wouldn’t be estranged. Let that sink in.
Jaysas people. You don't own your children. They don't exist to make you happy. You can't MAKE someone want you and neither can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there. Re-establish your own backbone and stop already. You don't need to have resentment or desperation or anything. Recognize that your children are their own entity and identity and nothing you do can MAKE them do or feel anything. Accept that and a large part of your problem may be solved as two of the most off-putting things in any interpersonal relation are desperation and guilttripping
Once I got used to the estrangement, I actually started feeling good again and I was glad I could spend my money on myself more after 30 years of sacrificing. I wish my daughter well and am happy to love her from a far. Her and her friends are miserable and misery loves company, none of them are married and I suspect that is why a lot of adult children are estranged, lots of failing at life. Oh also my business is thriving because I no longer have to drop everything I'm doing to help her out, which was a lot!
I would love to have a functional relationship with my one surviving, elderly parent. However, a relationship requires communication, including 'listening'. Respecting quite reasonable boundaries is another thing. It simply is not possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who can't, or won't listen, nor with someone who cannot respect boundaries. So, whilst death is final, what difference does it make if communication and respecting boundaries are absent?
Whatever old is the parent, whatever is the family link, the relationship must be based on EQUALITY: same rights, same duties FREELY accepted. It's better to be alone (all one) that to be in bad company.
Gerhard Symons You are so correct. God bless you. I more than understand what you are saying. It is sad that we were dealt this Hand but God gives us a special gift of wisdom to take care of ourselves bc they certainly did not. Be good to yourself. You deserve the best and be strong.
Societal values change and many parents are even less equipped to deal with those changes. Terms like 'communication', 'boundaries' and 'respect' have taken a different tone than previous generations knew.
Gerhard Symons You are more than welcome. I hope u can find solace in the fact you are far from alone. I went no contact from my parents and siblings 20 years ago. I am the scapegoat and enough was enough.
Absolutely spot on. We wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a so called friend and unfortunately the therapist model is so heavily bent towards keeping adult kids tied to parents no matter what they did in the name of reunification and anti parentification and taking the agency away from adult kids. It’s still accepting abuse whether it’s from the therapist, the therapist model, the parent who can’t accept responsibility and make the right amends. Kids and adults may have that special link but when a growing kid needs to individuate, not be codependent and to be adults in their own right. It’s debateable of the concept of flocking the nest later on and how based in our nature it is to be tied to a parent and the proximity of it.
Unfortunately the underlying psychology of the parents that led to a break with their children, completely limits their ability to apologize and empathize with anyone. My parents are not introspective people, have no empathy, and have never apologized to me for anything EVER. Years ago I finally came to the conclusion that they’re incapable of healthy relationships, and will never change. They’re emotional black holes, dark and empty, but will suck in all the emotions of anyone close to them.
My daughter definitely set me on the right path. She was the first person to fully articulate for me that I was abused by my family and that they were still at it (at that moment). I have broken from the close family that are still alive.
This is so helpful. I’m estranged from my mother. I don’t want to be. It causes pain every day of my life. If she would only watch this video and take it to heart and care enough to try and meet me halfway. But she doesn’t. My entire life I’ve only ever been the one to apologize between the two of us. She never apologizes and she never acknowledges her part in anything. She’s never defended me and she’s never put up a fight for me. I could’ve been the most wonderful friend and daughter to her in her life. But she refused to learn how to love me. And so now I have to love myself and my own daughter. I pity her because it’s a waste of her life and a waste of what could’ve been some of her greatest blessings. So many people like to scold and condemn those who estrange themselves from their aging parents. Often they have no idea the grief that we’ve carried for decades trying to be good enough and trying to be worthy of love. We were always worthy and good enough. Our parents just couldn’t see it just like they continue to not be able to see their own grievous sins.
By estranging from your Mom, you have taught your daughter how she can treat you. You're such a great parent for modeling that for her and how she will treat you when you get old. Good job.
I thought you were giving a report on my life lol . May your heart be light and your smile shine . Be proud of yourself for accepting things for what they are .
Sometimes people have fantasy about relationships. I used to do that. Then decided I had to accept reality. Parents have faults and we may not meet each others needs. Sometimes you just have to accept that. They will be gone soon enough.
@@jamilgotcher5456 You are an abuser. Go to a therapist and figure out what happened to you to make you into someone who abuses other people. Heal that damage and stop abusing other people instead of living in denial of your unhealthy behavior. You might even feel better as a person because you are either broken (and can be fixed) or are just a rotten to the core, stone cold abuser with no remorse. I don't care which but please stop acting like you're some paragon of healthy relationship knowledge.
These are beautiful strategies. It's unfortunate that most parents who now have estranged children want to do exactly zero work to understand why that happened and what role they themselves played in it.
I've been growing, recognized alot of things I did wrong, admitted it to the Only of my children he talks to....in case he ever wants to hear that. I miss him so bad...it's been 7-8 yrs. I want a chance to tell him...hopefully one day I'll get that chance...I'm uncertain of his reasons why he just abruptly left my life..he hasn't told me..but I have seen some reasons it could have been. He lives very close to me, he doesn't want me to know. I've known for yrs. I've respected his choice, & have, & wont go to his place, unless he, himself invited me. But I wont lie, it's Very hard to not just drop off goodies fir him.
That is because your parents probably went through similar or hard circumstances and worked through it. Bla.k g other people is the easy and wrong way out
This is very wholesome advice. My beautiful daughter left right before turning 18 years old. She doesn't want to have contact with me ever again but she gave me the gift of a detailed letter of all the reasons why she doesn't want to have me in her life. No matter how painful, I own it and finally I respect her wishes. Its hard, but I know is for the best and I can continue to grow and better myself even if she might never speak to me again. I think it makes it a bit easier to accept the situation and move on as well.
She actually gave you a gift. Do you know how many parents wish their adult children would be independent and can't get rid of them? lol. Just kidding but truthfully, your daughter doesn't sound like a good person and I hope she has her own children judge her some day so she will know how she made you feel.
Accept the situation but don't address anything she said or do anything to improve the relationship. That's some awesome 'parenting' right there! Child -- "I have this list of issues to deal with..." Parent -- "Well no. Your problems are YOUR problems." Child -- Goes No Contact. Parent -- "I don't understand why my child doesn't speak to me! I did 'nothing' and I'm all out of ideas on how to 'fix' this!"
@@IronBitch-SapphireandIron If you need to be told you probably weren't paying attention or cared. Children know that and give up trying. Look in the mirror. The answer is there if you look.
Thank you for this! I am 60. My 34 year old son has not broken from me, but he has been in so much emotional pain and I am trying to figure out my part. I just assumed that much of what he’s going through is my fault because I was the person responsible for raising him. He is a kind and sensitive individual and I love him dearly. We are both trying to heal and I am appreciative of your insights and think it will help us.
Still too many parents on here blaming the child - "I did so much", "they just used me for money" .... Well, they don't owe you because"you did so much". And you chose to give the money - let it go freely and without obligation. And stop giving if you think they don't need it. Let them grow up and let them make their own decisions and respect them for it - without resentment and nastiness. And rewatch what Daniel has to say until you actually hear and take in what he is saying. Take responsibility and grow up yourself, parents, instead of thinking your adult kids owe you - actually they don't. You the parent has to become a grown up, not all selfish and clingy and demanding.
@@elipotter369, I guess I needed to reread what you wrote. For me, it's just been hard watching good parents be thrown over for parents who abandoned kids until they're grown. Or parents who pay child support, sometimes more than required or expected, but are bad-mouthed so much by the custodial parent that the kids push them away. It's always the kids who lose when selfish immature parents are in the mix. Peace ☮️
@@goodintentions1302 Yes, that kind of injustice sucks, and speaking from personal experience if can't fix it and don't want to make negative fuss, just have to let it go and focus on the positive. I know I helped my offspring to the max I could manage, and that's what matters to me more than the justice of how much am appreciated or loved compared to other people who should have been helping.
So strange my daughters father abandoned her emotionally and physically, yet she sees no wrong in him. As her mother, she sees the devil. I have apologized over and over. I reach out and I have gone through intense therapy and am willing to give her what my parents didn’t. She just gets more cruel and now lashes out at her sister, who I feel I have hurt more but has forgiven me. Life is a puzzle. I have finally found peace knowing I did all I could.
I'm loving your work here. It's truly awesome. I got specific with ways I felt I hurt my own children and apologized along with making amends to all three. I wrote them a letter each at the time and since then have continued to build on my relationship with them and my now eight grandbabies. I broke away from my own parents who have yet to take responsibility for the hell they put me through as a child and adult and I couldn't imagine doing what they did to me to my own children or grandchildren. Its really tough to hear from your child the ways in which they felt hurt however I have witnessed first hand how healing it is for them to have the validation they deserve and need. They're all worthy of being heard and held in their hurt and pain.
@@dmackler58 Thank you. I appreciate your taking time to respond. I hope the comment will be a help to other parents who maybe don't know where to begin . Happy new year 💞
More like stop assuming the kids had “no reason”. The logical response is that something went wrong, and if you can’t confront that, you aren’t being a good parent. My mom did it and I am closer to her now more than ever.
My father and I broke away from one another. I initiated the break due to his unrelenting abuse. I told him how I felt about what had done and continued to do once I was fully grown at 50. I want nothing to do with him. He will listen, take ownership for his behavior, nor change his behavior. It’s been almost 19 years and my life has never been happier.
This sounds like my sister and I with our mother. I often worry about what will happen when they get sick and die. During those last years, what are we supposed to do? Like "yo, I know I haven't seen you in a million years but now that you're checking out, I love you?" It's hard to envision.
My parents are too old to change. My mother is 76-77 yo and my father is 80. We can forgive our parents for the wrong they caused, but accept that they may never apologize or change bc it’s too late. Forgiveness needs to occur whether they apologize and change or not. And forgiving doesn’t mean having a relationship and trusting them to be back in your life. Cutting off unhealthy relationships is wise.
Wayne M forgiveness is for you. That’s letting go of the resentment and anger toward them. Trusting them to be in your life, No. I do not talk to my parents bc they are too dysfunctional but I am working on forgiving them bc I need to heal myself.
Wayne M your parents sound like mine. I guess I just want to see other people not struggle w resentment and anger like I have for years. I have made the decision finally to let the anger go towards them. And we can do this without receiving an apology. I hope you find peace. And I wish you well
@@katierojas8066 Trying to force yourself into forgiveness when they have ot earned it will hold you back from healing. You do not need to forgive to feel free, you need to practice radical acceptance which is very different and not having the pressure upon yourself to forgive will allow you to move forward into a healthy place a lot sooner. When I stopped trying to force myself to forgive, life opened up again. We can become our own worst enemies with the demands we put on ourselves. I will never forgive my parents but I accept what they have done. I accept that they will never acknowledge the hurt they caused and I accept the pain I feel and felt at having no closure.... just that acceptance takes a ton off your shoulders and you can work towards being free with a lighter load xxxx
Please stay away from your elderly parents, you have caused them enough pain. They deserve to live their final days in peace and you just cause pain and harm.
My dad didn't get along with his dad. He didn't get along with his brother. His sister moved to the opposite side of the country, never calls or visits him. My mom left him once and the only reason she came back was because she got diabetes and needed his blue cross insurance. My dad being able to have financial control over people is the only reason anyone ever stuck around for him. As soon as that was taken care of, everyone deserted him. He went through a narcissistic collapse. Literally. He laid down on the grass and wouldn't move until my mom came home.
Most likely a drastic change in the parents behavior is a response to the change in the power dynamic and not some genuine change of character. Why would I want to interact with my parents who suddenly are trying to be nice to me so that I wont leave them again? At that point it is very hard to genuinely repair the damage that has been done over so many years. It would also feel weird and fake. Another thing they can do is overdo it so as to make you feel guilty or that you are unreasonable.
"Genuinely hard to repair the damage..." Truth!! I am watching for going on 10 years my husband's strained, un-genuine relationship with his parents...because the genuine bond was shattered in his youth.
Exactly. I have come to realise that my family never cared much for admitting faults or respecting me until the power shifted. Once they didn’t have control, or once there was more at stake, they suddenly “remembered” or “realised” their abuse. That is a false acknowledgement. If they really deeply understood and cared, they would have apologised and tried to fix it when it was destroying my physical and mental health making me suicidal, not when I let them know they will never be present in my future.
I was raised by 2 battling malignant narcissists. They both abused me physically, verbally and mentally. I got out at 48, and starting over has been extremely rough. I also have Multiple Sclerosis, and im sure growing up like that had a lot to do with it. One is dead now and i have zero sadness about him. The other lives in a delusional world where she's perfect and nothing is her fault. I'm not wasting any more of my time on that family
I am right there with you. My father abused us beyond words - when mother wouldn’t sleep with him he’d come in my room at 2 am and turn the light on and blame me, calling me horrible names. He’d take me to bridges out in nowhere when I was 5 and hold me over the side. There’s so much more. It ruined my ability to trust any one my entire life. My mother watched it and did absolutely nothing. My vile father is dead and my brother and I do not speak with my mother. Since cutting that contact I’ve been able to move on slowly - every time I talked to her she never once talked about it, etc. I doubt I’ll ever speak with her again. So I’m right there with you!
It's funny how parents act with like everyone who is a parent is good at it. Like as if everyone who's on the road is good at driving. They're not! There are bad drivers, there are bad parents. It'd be humorous to see if the two correlate 😄(jk)
There is a correlation. Cluster b individuals have been studied and found to be very aggressive/dangerous drivers. Along with others who are traumatized.
You've failed to mention parental alienation by one parent over the other and all the untruths some children are bombard with by the alienating parent. In this case, there isn't a healthy reason for them to want to get away/estrange the other parent. The child is fed a steady diet of lies and they manipulated into believing their estranged parent is evil. In fact, what the custodial parent is doing is child abuse. They will often resort to the most vile and disgusting tactics possible, such as saying the the estranged/alienated parent was abusive, violent, and even molested their own child. Training your child to believe this when none of it is true is the epitome of evil and out-of-control narcissism. Everyone suffers when this happens, but especially the child and the estranged parent.
This is a typical deflection answer. Nobody who came from an abusive home cares about PA. Abusers almost always claim some 3rd party influencer or PA as a way to not deal with their own behavior/part in the situation.
@@SantaFeSuperChief1 You'd think us 'kids' are the ones who picked who these 'adults' chose to have a child with. They won't even own that THEY picked their partner. I mean how much more responsibility can these people try to duck then their choice of partner? It's jaw dropping... "My partner was abusive but it's my child's fault that they are effed up from that parent!"
Well I put both kids on a pedestal. I did to much, I always was there when they needed anything. I became severely depressed and became abused in a relationship last year both kids in 30s when I really needed help I wasn't believed I was with a narcissist. My son flatly refused to believe it and turned his back. My daughter said she was dealing with ambiguous grief basically greiving the person I use to be so she abandoned me. Could it be I no longer was able to financially bail her out all the time? I became poor had a breakdown mom couldn't do anymore maybe it isn't always the parents fault
sara ali that’s absolutely false, they always have a reason. Even thought they might not say it, they might have the damage inside. Mental problems can be a factor too.
No one in my family will ever talk about or deal with what happened. It was too long ago, for one thing. I finally put "caution tape" around all of them; Life is too short. Things are otherwise good for me so that's the best I can do. 🙂
Probably but I think also the trend is to put the blame solely on the parents and that just can’t be. Each situation is unique. Almost every one of these I watch it’s parents this parents that parents you need to bow down to the kids etc etc. sometimes no matter how well you raise your kids no matter how good you are the black sheep roams off.
@@Jared-tc1qt black sheep here. I don’t feel loved in my family. I never have. It made me chase them do everything in my power to please them but nothing. So I set some boundaries. Simple stuff. And they still didn’t respect them. What do I do in this situation? Stay unhappy when that exact unhappiness lead me to no longer be here or cut them off for my own mental health?
@@Jared-tc1qt Children don't walk away from loving families whether parents want to accept that or not. The 'black sheep' aka the Scapegoat is driven away for the reasons that Stefan Doo mentioned. If your child(ren) shun you, you DID NOT raise them well.
My mom re married he abused me, alienated me from all family, destroyed the relationship between me and my mother, she allowed the abuse to happen because she started a new family with a new husband and loved me way less. Today my mother can go to hell. Reality new marriage new family. Previous marriages child feels like the intruder
Great information. I never want to see either of my parents again. I don't want their apologies. I don't want their approval. I want them to leave me be. Working on themselves is a great idea but I am not interested in the result. The societal concept of family forever/sanctity of the parent creates an expectation that can expose adult children to ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS). There are all sorts of awful people in the world, parenthood doesn't cure them.
I would have loved a relationship with my mother especially since I’m her only child. but She never learn to listen and let go of control. Kept trying to parent me my husband even in my kids. Once I was in my forties. I was just exhausted with trying to placate her and her crazy moods. I went no contact just to save my family and what was left of my life. She’s dead now . I’m 56. And I don’t miss her. I miss what we could have had had she taken responsibility and tried to listen and learn from her mistakes and corrected herself. I NEVER wanted to be estranged from my mother I loved her, it was so hard not visit with her. But she caused such trauma and trouble for me and my family. . I’m glad it’s over!!
Very painful but accurate advice. Thank you. It's not about how much you did for your children, it's how you treated them and made them feel. I have lots of regrets cause I got hurt and angry and said nasty things. My excuse was because I was married to a narc for 30 yrs and had lost the ability to know right from wrong. But there is no excuse for mistreating your loved ones. I should have focused on their emotional wellbeing more. It's too late to even ask for forgiveness now sadly as she has gone no contact and my relationship with my son is very shallow. They both do not know how sorry I am and no one knows if I have changed, not even myself. I am very sad I don't have them in my life but also happy and relieved in a way that that they don't have me in their lives anymore and am no longer the cause of any pain to them. God Bless them.
Hi Rubina. Thank you for your comment. I must say, there is a part of me that wishes my advice were neither painful nor accurate... Not fun stuff. But it's also true for me -- in my relationships with the people I have harmed. I have to own my stuff, change my behavior through healing, and then let the cards fall where they may -- can't control others' healing processes. I'm wishing you the best on your journey. Daniel
@@infinitetundra Yeah lol. Why anyone has to hurt others for no reason, I fail to understand. Guess they are so damaged they know no better. Really sad.
Rubina Merchant, I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions & behavior. As a child of a narcissist mother, I would urge you to reach out to,your children & take responsibility for your actions until they tear down their walls. My only suggestion is to let them tell you how they feel no matter how often they have to without your judgment. We children no matter how,old,we are just want our moms to love us no matter what we do or how old we are. Good luck!
You are one the right track. My parents never see past themselves. No responsibility for any thing. Bullies, bribers, manipulators, abusive, they guilt trip me, gaslighters, super critical.
@@cooldude8912 If everything you say is true. I advice you to stay from your parents forever. mines were the same and they never changed. ..never. I wish peace for you.
@@latinlegacies8396 It is 100% true. It is taboo to break up with your parents in this society by older generations. Newer generations are leaving in droves. Culture and nationality makes it wether it is acceptable majorly or frowned up. My overall health matters more than critics "feelings." I don't love, respect my parents or certain family members any more. I had the misfortune of meeting them.
We need to ask our parents as adult children to open up. Enough with the stiff upper lip. Hurt people hurt people sadly. I understand the pain many are mentioning here as well.
I’m a single Mother, learning myself. I’m at a place where I’m making my wrongs right and unhealthy with my children. I acknowledge 100% that I’ve caused harm to my children mainly my youngest and my oldest children heard and watched me mistreat my youngest. My children’s ages are 12, 9 and 6. But Why did I or why have I mistreated my 6 year old? Because I have regrets with her father, I dislike him. I lectured my 6 year olds father for years to do his part as her father. I learned that when he decided to come in and out of my baby’s life she began to change for the worse and I didn’t realize until now that she’s reacting or acting out because of her father and me. I’ve taken my negative emotions out on my children but mainly my youngest. I’ve recently, genuinely and deeply apologized to my children and now I desire to change ME for me and my children. To change my heart in general, to change how I react to toxic situations concerning my past with family and others being my children’s fathers and change my ways towards my children. I need to forgive myself for my past and how I’ve been raising my children, to forgive people who have hurt me and I need to let go of the pain I’ve experienced, but I don’t know how. I desire to become a better parent with my children. I need to change my heart is in pain.... I don’t know how to change. I’ll be studying this video and taking notes. If comments are negative they will be ignored 🖤
The only big thing I found problematic is that you tell the parent to "maybe hold off" on contacting estranged children and leave it open for the parent to try later. No. If an adult child has gone NC from theor parents, that is a boundary to be respected regardless of the reason the adult child has decided to sever ties. I think your advice for the parent to work on their own healing and growth is excellent, but don't set the precedent for them to justify reaching out to kids who've told them not to.
Wow, I feel really bad now .. when I got married , I rarely visited back home. It wasn’t because they were abusive with me. ~ I was just very tired from working two jobs & taking care of my husband , and his family that often came to visit. Also, I got used to living in nicer accommodations, so I felt better if they came to visit with me. ~ I was simply not designed to physically travel to maintain a relationship. I’m not into commuting ! ~ A few years later, when my marriage broke up, my parents took me back & I was grateful for the support. As I was also recovering from a stroke. .~ I don’t hold any grudges against my parents, both who grew up in during wartime, and I would never punish them out of retaliation . I have the ability to see why people are the way they are, and accept them as they are. Especially, my parents. 🎊🎎🎏🎈
You have a maturity that a lot of these estranged adult children lack. I hope they all get judged by their own children some day as harshly as they've judged their parents.
Daniel I can’t imagine any parents even asking to resolve this at all. I believe they are disengenuous. These parents NEVER CHANGE. They are psychopathic. Do u Daniel really believe these parents? I’ve been to dozens of sexual abuse victim recovery meetings over a 3 year period and THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED EVEN ONCE. I went back contact from my parents over 20 years. Never have heard one word from these people not one. My mother died 4 years ago and never once tried to reach me. Never invited to funeral and my name was left out of her list of survivors. Was not surprised at all. I didn’t even looked for any obituary. A friend at the time looked it up and told me what she saw on internet. Again I had no reaction whatsoever. I said , look this is what they do. Went NO CONTACT (correction 20 years ago).
Toxic single morhers should be cut off. I was giving mine 50 bucks every week and she still push me and boss me about like a kid at age 24. I left home over 11 years ago. She's dead now and I got no more dirty tears to shed for her. Hope she's burning in hell. :/
Kyla Bean You reap what you sow. If you don't want to be talked about like this when you're dead, then don't treat your children like shit while you're alive. Dropping dead does not absolve of child abusing sins.
@@kylabean4591 It says a lot about an adult who abuses their own child(ren) to the point where the child harbors such ill will toward them even in death. Judging how victims of abuse feel about their abuser (especially adult on CHILD abuse) is gross and says a lot about YOU. Supporting child abusers and victim blaming is gross.
I left my whole family behind in 2015. Missed Father's death and funeral, never shed a tear when I learned about it. I want no relationship with any part of my family, ever
Adult children need to get away, grow up, be independent and have strong boundaries. A lot of parents need to let the adult children step away and get on with their own lives. Instead, these parents get annoyed when the child doesn't keep giving them attention and a relationship, leading to "estrangement". Parents need to let them go and the parent needs to get busy with their own lives. And let the child establish what kind of relationship they want with the parent - instead of attempting to force on to adult children what the parent wants. Grow up, parents.
I agree with you but my adult children (I’m not estranged from them at all) are the opposite. Their mother has almost zero boundaries, is so smothering, loves to control her time with them, etc etc and they literally are drawn to it, it’s so weird. I was raised to do what you mention and in turn it has severely cut into my time with them because their mother in her 40’s who wants to be the cool mom and thinks she’s 20 wants her cake and eat it too. I feel sorry for all of them in a way
@@Jared-tc1qt that's unfortunate, but very common for mums in particular to not step away - they've spent so many years making their children their primary identity and purpose, they just don't know how. And some children don't have enough boundaries or self identity yet, if ever, to put their foot down or move away.
@@elipotter369 I am, unfortunately, one of those. The hardest parts to getting away is that the foundations for "independence", were never in place, due to the abuse and neglect. I don't see a "home", nor a way, and yet, I really have no choice. I'm mid 50's, learned extensively about this, formally (Master's 8n Counseling), and more so informally, many therapies, etc. So deep are these wounds, and so numerous, the wounded. Your understanding that "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" assumes you have them, and early trauma precludes such resilience; at least for myself. I "faked it" for 47-years, not even knowing that this is what I was doing (emotionally). When I crashed.....I cannot seem to uncrash, and as I am triggered by my elderly father with whom I'm residing, I am proud for standing up for the cat, and his unwillingness to "see" her, but it becomes mixed with what I needed. I called him out, again on this neglect. He's told me to leave his home, which is his right, and is fair, as he cares not to understand (I've tried giving him videos to watch, etc.), nor be "bothered" with my feelings/thoughts. It's a baffling and emotionally draining experience. I don't have a job, have very little money, and there is really no place to go. Woe is me?? Yes, compassion for myself, but realistically, I cannot see a through this.
@@elipotter369 Yes, I have done these things. I appreciate the response. For some, healing is just not in the cards, and I'm trying to come to terms with this. Be well, and again, your response is appreciated.
Wow. Such amazing insight. Thank you. Especially considering the video I watched just before this one was from an older 'professional', basically laughed at all adult children for being "unrealistic". It was gross. I agree with you when you say, there is always an underlining healthy reason the adult child wants distance. All parents need to hear this message.
Adam, I saw that one too, it was pretty disgusting. Our stories and reasons are different, and some of us had this forced upon us. Come and visit, even just saved a hawk from a huge snake and got it up at my place too. Trying to show the other side of this situation. Take good care.
Imo, if you can't 'own' yourself in life, if you can't control who you associate with, then what do you own? The 'parent' needs to learn that no-one, not even their own 'child' owes them their time.
I wrote down a whole lot of my history. I'm at the point of writing down my final letter to my deseased mother and than I will burn all, as a final closure. As far as my own parenting conserns, I was and am always willing to look at my own faults and want(ed) to know how come I made that fault? It's a journey of a lifetime :')
Coming back to this video again, you were very brave to post this video, Daniel. I don't know if I'd be able to handle having all of these abusive parents lashing out at me for piercing their shields of denial.
I honestly haven't seen one comment made by a parent here lol I've only seen estranged adult children chiming in about how this won't work (including me lol) But I still commend you on this video and sincerely wish the best of luck to anyone genuinely trying to make amends.
@@billyb4790 actually lots of parents have commented but I haven't seen one negative comment towards Daniel, all the negativity instead is directed at their estranged children.
I appreciate a therapist (or person otherwise) who will tell me the truth about myself, good and bad. What I can’t tolerate, however, is when a therapist is unnessecarily mean and abusive, diminishing my self-esteem simply to make themselves feel more powerful. That’s happened to me and it was awful. I’m still trying to recover from my experience with her :/
My 20 year old daughter treats me like filth ,she hates me for reprimanding her when she does wrongs.Even though I have taken responsibility for all my imperfections, she has hated me from she was a young teen now shes 20 ,its sad.I have a 17 year old that doesn't hate me .
I feel for you. I have a super strong willed 5 year old boy that gets angry and talks back to me if I say no or discipline. I'm so worried this will get worse as he gets older if he doesn't change. I do jot want him to get in trouble with police or other people. He will raise his fist at me or say I am being mean or have anger fits.
@@gigin9774 They were both treated the same I loved them on the same level I do not have a favourite .I reprimand them the same .My oldest daughter is stubborn and think shes older than me .
@@Chosennotbroken My oldest daughter is stubborn and think shes older than me . narc spoted and i mean you not your daughter My 20 year old daughter treats me like filth ,she hates me for reprimanding her when she does wrongs. this is narc atitude you have,you not tell her what she did wrong but how do right that called contructive critism
Welcome to self-evaluation, which only those who really want it, have it ! To grow up is the key to survival. I'm sure this video is enormously helpful to many.
A very interesting perspective, Daniel. I wonder how many parents go to a therapist in order to solve the problem with estranged children....In my case, it is impossible because my mother is a pathological narcissist and I can never get accountability from her for her behavior. She thinks she was a great mother, wife, person ...everything. I am now 58 and an only child. My father, the perfect codependent died last year. I am now taking care of my mother and since I have discovered her pathology only 2 years ago, I finally realize that fixing my relationship with her is impossible. Most importantly, I have finally understood that it was not my fault, that I am good enough (I have always been an overachiever but somehow, she never appreciated my success). I HAVE 2 BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS AND I AM PROUD THAT WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I DESPERATELY WANTED TO BE "DIFFERENT" FROM MY MOTHER IN MY PARENTING.
Cristina Magurean These malignant narc parents NEVER CHANGE, never own their behavior. They are literally dangerous and will cause somatic health problems eventually. Stay out. God bless you.
@@laraoneal7284 Yes, Lara, I totally agree. I am so sorry now that I wasted so much time and energy trying to improve my relationship with mom, thinking that if I just try harder, again and again, she will finally see how she hurts me. ..and possibly be sorry for a lifetime of putting me down and humiliating me in front of strangers. My every success was met with a bewildered face like "who knew that you had it in you, oh well...it was just a lucky strike" (my master degree)....etc..etc... God bless you too, best wishes from Transilvania
I’m sure my daughter thinks I’m a narcissist but would a narcissist sleep in a chair by their daughter’s hospital for 30 days straight and then in physical rehab I slept on a bench for another 3 weeks. Does a narcissist do that?
@@angiegracie6954 No, Angie, I don't think that it is a normal attitude for a narc to do that. But it all depends on your feelings and motivation. Why you stood there, was it because you love your daughter or because you felt it was your duty. My mother would sacrifice and torture herself just to be able to play the martyr later on. If you have doubts, there are a lot of tests that you find online for self diagnose.
When you have malignant intentional conscious narcissists who do horrific things to their children, they have to accept the permanent consequences. You cant put your children on the street, lie about everything you don't like and be phobic towards their identities, reject all therapy and expect to have them ever again. Its done. Accept it.
It seems like the comments are mostly us, the abused grown up kids. We are here trying to see how this can affect them. We still care about them more than they cared about us.
This exactly. And reading the comments and catching many of those parents (you know the ones, you smell them from a mile away with "Our childrens' generation has absolutely zero respect" or "I gave my son everything as a child, and now he doesn't....") still in denial regarding their own past/current behaviors and ultimately, the reason for the estrangement, certainly doesn't bode for a promising future.
its all fun and games for parents to be abusive and neglectful, until the kids grow up and cut them off. cant wait to laugh in my fathers face when he tries to come to me for help in his old age
Then they complain to friends and family about how their children don't talk to them. They wonder why they aren't getting the same caring attitude that other children give their parents when they're older 😆.
You're Dad is glad you're gone. Stay gone and let him live out his remaining years in peace. You estranged adult children don't realize, we eventually get back to being happy again and it's your turn to work and pay bills. Have fun lol.
@@cathyshepard4980 Take your book and shove it. Abuse victims don't want to hear your garbage. Many of our parents used religion as another guilt/abuse tool. (My apologies to abuse victims who have found solace in the Bible)
@@jamilgotcher5456 First off it's "Your Dad..." and second our parents made their distain for us known our entire lives and they probably do tell themselves they are glad we're gone until they realize they have alienated everyone and are alone at their most vulnerable. If your own kids end up staying away it's hard to keep other people around. Geriatric and alone sounds really fun! Have fun lol.
Thank you.. this is great advice. Unfortunately, parents can do all these things, as I have done, and still never have an opportunity to reconnect with their estranged child. It's been more than 2 years since my son became estranged from me. There's no formula to get our kids back, only accepting what is, and sending love and healing to them at every thought of them.
Be glad he doesn't just come around when he needs money. Some of these adult children are substance abusers and put their parents through hell and emotionally manipulate them just to get money out of them.
About 30 years ago I wrote to my step-mother telling her that she would invite me in, tell me all her problems and then be horrible to me and that we need to talk or I will stay away for a while. Rumour has it she was so upset my sister made her put the letter in the fire. Whether that is true or not my step-mother ignored my letter and sent me happy birthday and happy Christmas cards which made me feel guilty for not being a dutiful, friendly son. I kept the cards and kept my distance. Years later I realised what I could have done is posted the cards back with a note saying, "I am returning this card as I do not want it. My letter said we need to talk, my offer is still open." I never sent the second letter. Eventually her cards stopped and 30 years after my letter she drank herself to death. I avoided the funeral as my story of her would not be welcome. Now I estranged from my entire family.
Exactly, most parents that lack proper parenting skills are going to dismiss it and say they did nothing to cause estrangement in the family system. Gotta love defense mechanisms and denial + projection.
@@ethanschneider2422, exactly. These parents typically/almost always abandoned us in the first place. We were already estranged before. We wanted emotional connection, not just some superficial relationship that was solely based on physical presence. But they don't understand that. They can not own the responsibility, so they use shit excuses such as "nobody has a perfect childhood" or "everyone has wounds from the past" or some other foolish generalization, that only serves to deflect any responsibility. It is really disgusting... but well, denial can always keep you in the victim position, so you can avoid any responsibility.
@@rasmuslassen6273 I agree a 100% with what you said. It's frustrating, especially looking at the consequences that come along with the lack of getting needs met from the ones we love in early childhood. I was going to say that I came across a youtube video the other day about inner family systems therapy. Pretty eye opening. Talks about how most parents are emotionally unavailable from the psychological wounds. It's titled: The truth about being emotionally unavailable - Gerlach All of this stuff is about shame and unmet needs. They have internalized shame that is too painful. People avoid pain & choose comfort/ignorance.
You should do what my father did and have a child lol; jk. I think he already pointed it out in this video: the pent up anger is a reflection of your traumas as a child; you're angry they happened to you. Right down your childhood memories in detail and it will give you a clue im sure.
As An adult that broke away from my parents, this is very healthy sound advice. I was raised by a mother who was an MFT and grew up hearing nothing more than constant badgering over her multiple diagnoses of my problems. It was very abusive childhood and even into my adulthood. It was extremely painful to have the person who is supposed to be the expert in this matter become your tormentor
Ever heard of sheri McGregor? She is an estranged mom and she has like all these psychology degrees or something. Like the professional education was worth squat I guess!
Generational abuse is our family. My "older" sister was groomed by our dad to be mean+ nasty to everyone else in our family. She unfortunately learned her lesson well. I pray her adult kids can heal too.
I estranged myself away from my father, he had been missing from my life most of the time and even when he was there it felt like I was talking to a stranger. He tries to contact me every year for my birthday... I usually say I am busy but I really am not... I feel like a fuck up, I am doing everything to be like my father, I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't sleep around with strangers like he does. He has 2 other kids who are my half-bloods, I have seen them but I don't feel related to them... I feel so empty and cold inside whenever I was around them. I know this is tough to hear but even if my father passed away I wouldn't be able to shed a tear because of the pure fact that I don't know who he is, all I remember is him taking me drinking in bars and pubs which didn't influence me in a good way. Idk I feel so fucked up, even though I am physically health I know something is missing from me... I know that I am not normal but I am happy in the moment and I know I will get better.
My estranged father passed away last week. My whole adult life he never reach out to me directly. He didn't raise me as a child and was very absent in my life. My half siblings basically disowned me as a family member and I feel like they're blaming me for not reconnecting with him in time. I told them I always felt like he never cared.... but I can guarantee you, if he had picked up the phone and called me to tell me he was sorry for the way things were in the past and he was ready to build a relationship.. that would have made all the difference in the world.
Same here with my mom. She's turning 80 this year and I fear she hasn't long to live. I don't know what to do about any of that.....did you go to his funeral?
Here's what I've realized about my parents: They have no problem providing material things. But when it comes to providing emotional support and understanding mental health, they have failed spectacularly at every turn and every opportunity. They can continue providing material things, but they have no right on this god-forsaken planet to complain when I talk to other people about my problems.
@@RustyShakleford1 The number one reason by far is parental alienation following a divorce. Demonizing the targeted parent through brainwashing of a child. This is being done to literally millions of children around the country with the family courts cheering it on. Until we remove the financial and political incentives that drive this, the epidemic will continue and possibly even grow worse.
One of your best videos (in my opinion). I have been estranged from my mother. She is a profoundly sick person. My father was dysfunctional as well, but did his best and never abandoned or gave up on me. I stuck by him until the end. I think that contrast speaks volumes for those that want to say that I have no loyalty.. it's true. I have no loyalty to those that don't deserve it.
Daniel, the parents that came to you with these questions obviously had some self awareness. How about the other group of parents that don't have self awareness and are in denial ( narcissists) about the way they treated their children and say that their estranged children are not caring and selfish because they don't visit their parents more often?
I watch this because i care immensely. We are not perfect but love our 4 kids and have always had a great time with them until last year. Our daughter confronted us with lots of accusations. We have admitted to many of the things my daughter said we did wrong. We asked for forgiveness and i am trying to change what actions have hurt her on my part. We had marriage problems during some crucial years and it definitely affected our kids. But she believes my husband had molested her when she was in preschool. Because she really believes this, i understand the estrangement. We cannot agree that he did what she thinks he did. She was a great child and a great adult. She is respectful as she can be. She is a mess - she had experienced trauma several times - a rape, a divorce and the death of a child. She went into therapy and came up with these ideas. She did not want to break away from us. She is in pain. I, at first listened and thought for quite some time and then decided there is just no evidence that what she discovered in a dream. This has us estranged of course. She is trying to find peace and healing in estrangement. We are not angry with her. We just cannot accept what is not true. There was no evidence in her childhood, in her writings, in her drawings or in her play. I cared for and taught many children who were molested and very disturbed. I was very involved and aware. I disagree that people side with the parents. I think that a lot of people wonder right away if our parenting was suspect and flawed and the shame of the possibilities sits heavily. Those who have seen our parenting know us and know how we parented. They are with us. We don’t share easily but we are convinced that there are other parents out there who are innocent of what they are being accused of. Incest is a horrible shameful and destructive crime against the most innocent. We don’t condone it. I’m very fearful that even here people here will also judge that we are terribly flawed and probably feel that i am covering or in denial. Parents aren’t always the bad guys. Some of us just do regular flawed parenting and need to admit it - own it and try to do better.
I broke from my 4 boys because it was the best thing for them...we had a violent man who lived with us...what the boys don't know is what he did to me...put a gun to my head...not go for help when I was losing a baby...so much more...but I realized how much control he has on them to this day and this is something I cannot change...that man was able to make my boys turn from me and they believe everything he tells them so for them...and for my mental health, I have to think I don't have any children and grandchildren...let the dice fall where they should....
What happens when your adult child turns narcissistic herself. I believe in owning and apologizing to your adult child. And yes take feedback and change. Humility is a blessing for everyone. However they have to work on themselves too. They can be very blind to the the good their parents have done and the sacrifices made on their behalf. In the meantime parents need to move on. I’m here if she needs me but I’ve learned not to allow my adult children to abuse me. We all need boundaries. Distance emotionally and physically is just the new norm. I now spend my money on myself it’s great. I give my adult daughter 100% her freedom to do and be whatever she wants, I’m finally focusing on my happiness and mental health. Let your adult kids go…..👍❤️
typical response. you didn't sacrifice anything, that's toxic wording. You chose to have a child you then provided for. Now you except to be martyred for it, and all of your other behaviors ignored?
My parents don’t even care enough to try. Last time I tried to connect with my dad over tv shows, he said that my interests were “garbage” and he doesn’t want to hear it
Omg, as a child of abusive parents, I wished for them to own their behavior and take responsibility. Narcissists aren’t capable of that, sadly.
@@thanksagainfortheteawrong get over yourself stop trying to act as if you know everything of the matter you don't...
@@Trixiesongzxoxotake what you said and apply it to yourself
@@Trixiesongzxoxo Are you an abusive estranged parent who knows why they are estranged and doesn't like people noticing? Whose problem is that?
Still projecting? @@ellyk8834
@@Trixiesongzxoxonarcissist says what 😂😂
What surprises me is the shock that such parents have, as if they were besties with their kids prior to the estrangement. It usually shows the dissonance involved in those relationships, and that's usually a good place to start: what was the ACTUAL relationship like prior to estrangement
Well apparently your parents had nothing to do with you
It will be interesting to see this generation become the parents. Having been on both sides of this issue, I regret that I was not more sympathetic with my own parents when they were alive. I am glad that I did not entirely cut them out of my life.
@@dessiecoder9446 typical bi-polar cluster-b response. You narcs are so predictable.
so well said...the cognitive dissonance
Actually any parent who thought they were a “bestie” with their kid is exactly the place to start. It’s not their job to be friends.
That’s how it was with our mom. She wanted desperately to be “the cool mom” and then when we “made” her be a parent she would blow up in a rage and threaten us with abandonment at every turn.
There was nothing “cool” about that.
My parents would NEVER admit they did anything wrong. Well, my mum certainly wouldn't and my Dad just backs her up no matter what. So unhealthy
Same here. So ridiculous.
Everyone does “something wrong” , that’s not the point. Unless there was outright abuse, get over it. To look back and start complaining now about various aspects of how you were raised is looking for unnecessary estrangement. My parents weren’t perfect but I didn’t stop seeing them, (until later in my life I had to stop seeing my mother. I’d finally figured out she didn’t really care). If it weren’t for that I’d have continued to accept all her flaws, partly because I’m not without flaws. But I did stop seeing her, long story. I didn’t want to go that far though.
@@angelwings7930..i don't think you read and thought through the person's comment. It's not about the parents flaws or even abuse ...it's their dismissal, minimization, and denial of it. Does this make sense? I want to make sure I explained it clear enough.
..also I just wanna say I'm so sorry. And I did Chuckle at your comment since it's so relatable. Its like parents who are estranged MUST also have unhealthy marriages because they must just not know how to have any healthy relationships. And maybe if they had learned to have a healthy marriage.... They never would have ended up with EAC.
Dad married another family, so he told us he never wanted us, and leave him alone with his new family. They will be there for him when he dies. They're better than his own kids 🤗.
Huge self esteem blow. Always felt like a failure around him. Took me a long time away from that family to finally realize that I'm not.
Only a very weak person would say that to their children. I’m sorry you went through that, but realize your dad was broken. He must have had a bad childhood and never gained the skills.
my dad didn't *say* that. But he made it very clear that I (non binary lesbian) am not really as much his family as his 4th wife and her two kids. Cause they're both super homophobic and wanna raise the kids that way and find every excuse to bitch at me for any amount of self expression that goes against their idea of "normal".
I was 17 at the time and he never really acted like that before. So I just tried to stay in my room to avoid the conflicts he always insisted on having whenever we were in the same room. Bullshit fights picked about political issues that he doesn't really care about, but knows that (due to growing up in poverty, trauma, and in a mixed race house at my mom's house) I wil have a strong emotional reaction to that he can make fun of and talk about how the libs are just over emotional and can't just have a conversation without taking everything so personally etc. a lot of talking points about "welfare queens" and how "you shouldn't feed the animals at the park or they'll grow lazy. Same with welfare" and shit like that.
But nooooo my dad couldn't stand me "not being part of the family" or choosing to engage with people who respect and uplift me online, rather than his toxic bullshit irl that he wanted to surround me with.
So one of his methods of punishing me (for sleeping in until 8 on saturday) was to take the stepkids out of town to look at kittens. I realized I was home alone, so I cleaned everything. Spotless. A full day's effort, and I was sure he'd be happy and my therapist would be too. And everything would be fine.
he came home calling me a bitch, and shut off internet access, nd then Made a loud announcement about how everyone needs to load up for a family dinner. My oldest step sister came to me to tell me for him that I'm not allowed because it's "family only".
Then I got really suicidal and almost couldn't contact anyone cause my mom wouldn't answer her phone and without internet I didn't have contact info for anyone else. But eventually my mom did come through and help me relax a little.
My dad acted all smug about it. I unleashed on him about what a fucking asshole he is and how I almost killed myself because of his stupid power tripping bullshit, so I hope it's as much fun for him as he's acting like over there.
(I was on anti depressants for the first time. I think I have bipolar. Hence the huge high energy mood shifts here)
So a few weeks later his mom asked me about it and I told her. SO he came in suicide baiting me in order to try to manipulte me into shutting up and never speaking about these things unless I'm prepared to act on it immediately and not seek out someone to talk me down, cause that isa jusat "faking it for attention:" and "refusing to actually go through with it, or anything else in your life" also "even if you did actually try, you're girl (bonus misgendering) so you'd fail anyway" (which is the exact moment I chose to no longer put in any effort and to just end the relationship outright)
He still bitches to my aunt that I won't talk to him for "political reasons" and because I'm just "too intolerant of different beliefs" and how special he wants to feel for not just simply refusing to house me until/unless I identify and act as a straight girl, cause he's soooooo open minded to "let me believe I'm whatever I decide is edgy and not take it so personally"
Bro the main reason you take my gayness personally is cause your mom thinks gayness is caused by sexual assault, and you molested me when I was 12, before I came out. You blame yourself so you shame and abuse me. Without recognizing my own well being or mental health once at all through the process.
(Yes he shares memes about doing transphobic violence to "protect his daughter from sexual predators in the bathroom" and got pretty flustered when I'd respond with how he's not protecting shit and people who share these memes are always hiding their own pedophilic tendencies through aggressive scapegoating and feigned outrage)
I didn't report the sexual assault for 3 main reasons.
1)It was only once and wasn't really "severe" it feels like an over reaction to turn it into a whole thing. Which I knew adults would do on principal. But I wasn't hurt or even naked and it didn't last for long (just dry humping and seeming like he intended more before snapping out of it)
2) He was a good dad. Like basically the best you could hope for. I wish he'd moved closer to my mom, but he doesn't like all the brown people in oklahoma so made sure he was put in wyoming (he was in the military and could have gone back to his civilian job in all kinds of locations). But other than that and finding excuses to wiggle out of child support and make classist and often racist remarks, he wasn't really bad. He was funny, emotionally available, listened, called every day, made things special etc.
And even when he wasn't really such a good dad anymore and more frustrated, annoyed, and picking fights. He was still better than my stepdad, and my mom by proxy. (also of her own merit really. SHe's only nice when not living with her. And even then only if she thinks being nice can convince you to live with her again)
3) I was already hiding so many crimes against me that were way worse (like broken collar bone, chokings, other sexual assaults etc) and it just felt kinda weird, pointless, and petty to out this one, of all them. Like what would even be the point? How much worse would I feel covering up for my stepdad, while I condemn my dad to probably be treated absolutely terribly by the legal system, and individuals who cross his path? over a single mistake? I couldn't bring myself to do that.
And I do regret it. Because he really never did value me at all after that. He keeps getting more hateful and more stuck in his ways refusing to acknowledge any issues at all that are serious.
And he keeps getting new stepkids and keeps tossing his wives aside once whichever kid was closest to but not over the age of 11 (price is right rules) started rejecting him and his interests more, asserting their own personality, having any mood instability etc.
Often he would be very close to that step child before suddenly hating them for no apparent reason other than insisting they've changed in all these terrible ways. (like one step sister used to really like trains with my dad. And he loved it. But she eventually decided she liked horses more and wanted to watch more horse shows and learn more horse trivia. So my dad started bullying her and calling it stupid and saying she only likes horses because she wanted to insult trains etc) and these petty fights with children would result in their mom leaving him and him hooking up with someone new within a few months. Often married a couple months later.
Sometimes it's easier for kids like you that have parents say or do things so insane straight out like that because at least you can hold them at fault it's harder for people that have tricky families and passive aggressive people pleaser self righteous parents because you can't get them to admit anything and the cognitive dissonance is off the charts
Giving relationship advice to narcissists is like giving socialization skills to a serial killer. All you're doing is giving them tools to blend in and lure more victims. The only advice narc "parents" should get is "Get over it. Your victims recognize you for what you are. Mourn it like a death and move on." When I cut ties, the breeders became even MORE controlling of the other two siblings and never even talked about me anymore.
To all the adult kids don’t be afraid to let go. Peace is PRICELESS!
@@jamilgotcher5456 Aren't you a bitter one! All my 'family' ever did was critique/exaggerate my 'flaws' while being the miserable ones and blaming Scapegoat Me for them being unhappy. LOL Your Narc is showing...
@@jamilgotcher5456 couldn’t care less what state of mind or peace they’re at. They all got replaced with a quickness with how they treated me. Oh well that’s karma. They can stew in their righteous BS 😂
Same to the adults....peace is priceless
Tell that to my mother who told me she never wanted me and always hated me the moment the came out of her.
Growing up she tells me she wishes she aborted me.
@@thepsychicspoon5984 I’m so sorry, that’s horrible.
My favorite thing is how the parents always are just so absolutely dumbfounded by their child's estrangement, even though this kind of no contact NEVER comes without prior warning. These types of parents simply are unable to take on any kind of criticism, it absolutely terrifies them. The way they truly perceive the situation, is that they once had an absolutely beautiful relationship with their child(usually, it actually means the child was under their thumb and emotionally enmeshed), then all of a sudden the child simply wants nothing to do with them, completely out of the blue. They'll mention, in their scattered recollection of the account, very minor things they did, and act like those are the reasons, and so naturally, they are dumbfounded as to why when they've been perfect besides mistakes everybody makes.
When you read between the lines, you will actually find they know EXACTLY why their children are estranged, but they simply cannot compute why it's a problem, so they think it's some kind of smokescreen. These people are so incapable of respecting others boundaries, that they simply cannot even see why someone would have a problem with the things they do. They view their children as extensions of them, a slightly more independent form of property.
Say it's a mom, she constantly undermines her daughter in laws role as a parent of her grandchildren, she wants to be called mom by her grandchildren, she takes away firsts like first haircuts, she grabs the baby out of the moms arms, and demands time with the baby away from the parents. The daughter in law, naturally feels undermined, she feels like MIL is constantly trying to take her place and undermine her position. If you talk to a parent who has been estranged from this kind of jealous and boundary stomping behavior, they will tell you "I was just being a good grandmother, I offered to babysit, I spoiled my grandchildren, I even offered to hold the baby when I could tell the mom was tired! I went out of my way to be a good grandmother, and I all of a sudden have my son telling me I'm not his wife and that I'm just a grandmother!"
You see the way these kinds of parents will minimize their own behavior and paint it a way that makes them seem the victim. They will admit to very tiny mistakes, but never give you the full picture. They are simply incapable of seeing what they're doing, because it's often very very deeply ingrained behavior that is an automatic response, they aren't doing it purposely, they are doing it because that's who they are, it's all they know.
Then you have the communities of all these estranged parents that highlight this behavior and lack of insight in a very profound way, it is an echo chamber of victimhood.
Yep. I understand you
Well said!
@@Anna-wx4hoMy parents have been absolutely dumbfounded as to why I would want to escape their enmeshed, codependent relationship. I notice that older generations seem to be so worried about “influences” that cause their children to “turn away.” So often this just mean that the parent no longer has any control and they absolutely hate that.
To hell with your boundaries. We used to call it respect. Look at the world now days! Its a nightmare! Unless you were beaten or molested or starved or Mentally abused, You need to just be thankful. Because what is coming out of this generation is going to be suffering like you never knew suffering. Save yourself!
@ginagilliam7929 good job missing the point entirely, what you just said is basically "I can do whatever I want, there are kids starving in Africa afterall!" It doesn't hold water, just because the world has issues doesn't give you the right to cross the boundaries of others, respect is a two way street. And estrangement as adults rarely is solely because of what happened in childhood, it's because of behaviors that continue into adulthood. Nobody HAS to keep in contact with people that don't respect them, their rules, or the people they've decided to have in their lives.
I don’t care if my mom writes an encyclopaedia of her mishaps and abuse. I will never speak with her again. I have worked far too long and far too hard to heal myself and break down the barriers of abusive patterns to give her a chance she is not entitled to. To any parents out there who are trying to “get your kid back” just don’t. If you fucked up, the least you can do is let them go, let them be happy without you. Just because you aren’t happy without them doesn’t mean you get to try and budge your way into their life when they don’t want you in it. Leave them alone. Stop bothering them. Stop calling, they moved on, they are doing their own thing, I suggest you move on too.
Heartless
@@RustyShakleford1 not pertinent. I see a person who cut me off, cut off best friend, cut off 1st boyfriend all "old" friends wants to make new ones & hasn't. There is a true problem here - in reality - not fiction.
Mine does videos about how people are GREAT & in the same BREATH says she doesn't need anyone, very 😕 confused. Not mentally healthy & I put up with much worse while she lived here. Almost feel FREE - just like she thinks she is doing, doesn't want car, job, marriage, college & then backslides into: if you have car, place to live, food, job...very confused & sad.
@@RustyShakleford1 I protected her from becoming pregnant on the f couch drug house across the street & the 2 boys & purple haired drug girl that is next door neighbor who had 2-3 abortions & 1 kid. Yes I was strict & I had every reason for her not to grow, that way, she cut best friend & 1st boyfriend out too. Not the same situation as yours, entirely different, obviously.
@@RustyShakleford1 Mom (me) didn't put her in daycare, I left a good job & did construction maintenance, hard work for a woman, so I could take her to work with me for safety & love.
These disturbingly unaware comments by estranged parents are making my own decision to go no contact easier to be confident in. Sadly it's not unlike my own parents. Been around 8 months of no contact and I feel like I'm getting healthier now that I can be more myself and surround myself with healthier people.
Same, it's been 8 months for me too since I (the only child of codependent /narcissistic parents) went no contact. I couldn't take their emotional abuse anymore. Therapy made me realize where my own acting our behaviors were coming from, and I slowly began to see how it was traced to my parents. They are clueless as alway. I felt massive guilt at first but after I started to get back return investment on my peace and time, it was easier to accept my actions of going No Contact. Despite all their insistence of "family is evrything", they didn't tell anybody until my mom broke down and spilled the beans which got some other family members to start badgering me about going back in contact. Escaping this cult-like family is such a curse, it's easier to win the lottery!
Completely agree!
If you ever need more material to reaffirm your decision, there's a new TH-cam channel called Estranged Parents, the comment sections of which are a goldmine of self-delusion and unaccountability. These people are never getting their kids back.
@@rachellereeve494 I've seen those videos. The level of denial is infuriating. Coming on two years of no contact and I have never felt better.
@@AdairZionist Glad to hear it, man. All the best with your journey.
They harmed me, Daniel. I don't want to call them or see them anymore.
@Wayne M Wayne, I don't have a courage to tell them that I have messed up because of how they raised me.
@Wayne M Wayne, I am really sorry to hear these and trust me all relevant to me. All I remember from my childhood is fighting, arguing, abusing, and neglect. My sister and I were invisible in their eyes and our emotions or thoughts were invalid. We were there to serve them and obey their commands. I remember that my mom didn't want us to cry when we hurt. Once I spilled hot water on myself while prepering food for guests and I started screaming, but she said "shut up our guests will hear you" Our guests were more important than my pain. I became a depressed person after so many things like that and couldn't there for my children. They grew up with depressed mother, and I blame myself for not getting better quickly.
@Wayne M Thank you, Wayne.
@Wayne M Wayne, Thank you. I appreciate it. Good luck to you too.
And that's perfectly ok. 😊 I don't have a desire to see mine either.
Its in childrens nature to always choose the happiness of the parents. It takes a lot for them to cut ties with their parents. So to be "clueless" and "confused" as to why just adds to the right decision the child has made, going no contact with you.
That is a profound observation. How did you come to realise this? Thank you so much
I don’t believe they don’t know - it’s just another lie.
@@dianagarrison3138 another lie on whose behalf?
@@maxtroy. On behalf of the parents who report having no idea what they did to warrant No Contact.
Many of them treat their children with disrespect that they themselves would never tolerate. If your behavior isn’t loving, then it’s a lie to say you love unless you qualify it, as in, I love to use you.
My mother distanced herself from her own mother for the same reasons so of course she knows!
I was going to therapy when I finally decided to cut my parents off and I wrote a letter to them I detailed my reasons why, what actions they have made that have brought us here, I even thanked them for the little things but ultimately told them they no longer have access to me.
It did my peace wonders. And I really hope my decision was a slap in the face enough for them to realize their idea of me is just a fabrication in their own mind. A fantasy.
Apparently, ever since, I hear that my mother has only grown bitter and argumentative. So much for all that Jesus she threw around.
Thanks doc!
The amount of cope from abusers in this comment section is a one part hilarious, and another part absolutely tragic.
Yes
Very Pathetic to see. So very sad.
I struggled for decades with a narcissistic mother and a father with undiagnosed (yet obvious) Asperger's. It was brutal. My childhood was lost to their excessive disciplining, my young adulthood was lost to their disapproval and nagging expectations. Now I'm 45 years old, I haven't spoken to them in years, I do whatever the fuck I want to, I'm wildly successful & I feel great. Lonely at times, if anything. I guess it's a trade-off. I'll take it.....
There's a secret FB group for Adult neurotypical children of aspergers parents if you are interested
Omg my exact story
Your parents are relieved you are out of their lives. They deserve peace. Leave them alone and never come back, you were a mistake.
I'm so happy for you .
Yeah it's so much better to feel lonely than to be exposed to the abuse.
Unfortunately my parents would never care enough, be willing to look at themselves like that, but I respect the ones who do.
Pain upon pain upon pain...it's just a painful situation all round to me.
E. Rock Freedom Same here. Mine are brutal and sadistic to the max. Too long of a story but at least I got out Totally over 20 years ago and never looked back. like Daniel has said THEY LEFT US A LONG TIME AGO BY NEVER BEING THERE FOR US AND WE JUST DID IN KIND AS WE GOT OLDER AND FIGURED IT OUT. God bless you and stay strong.
Claire JR I hope u are healing. It is not an easy road but u are better off without them. Bless you.
@@laraoneal7284 Thanks Lara. Been a long road (which I imagine you likely understand). Turned a corner this last year. Grief and loss. ...
Claire JR God bless you. This is rampant in our families. You are far from alone. Continue to be educated on this dynamic. The more you see how literally dangerous our parents are or were u will get more convicted of how correct you are. We cannot be our authentic selves until that fantasy bond is broken for good.
To put it this way; if someone had filmed my toxic parents, and especially my father, with a hidden camera during my childhood and then uploaded the videos on youtube, he would probably have received death threats. My parents literally ruined my life.
It's too late for my father. If he should ever try to reach out, I'm not interested. I lost that interest a long time ago. During my teenage years and 20s there was countless times where I would have violent fantasies where I was beating the crap out of him with a baseball bat. After all these years, I sometimes still get furious just by thinking about him (and my mother as well).
The worst advice I read on the net is "have you ever tried to talk to your parents and tell them what you feel?".
Omg the last part is the most grudging statements i hear from ppl when i try to express my feelings
I had horrible alcoholic father issues and saved my grandma from being beat up then told to stop crying I will beat you til you bleed. I'm 60 and the parent. Maybe ACOA would help you stop blaming sick people like it did me. Bitterness is toxic
If you cannot forgive... you cannot be forgiven. Think about that.
@@doctordemento965 An advice nobody asked for,. And it doesn't make sense. First of all I don't need to be forgiven. Forgiven for what? Nobody has any right to forgive someone where there is nothing to forgive. And the word itself has very little meaning in this context since it from a psychological point if view simply means to let go. It's not brooding or something all people hold on to on a daily basis, it's something that sometimes surface whether you want or not. Nobody should automatically assume otherwise when they don't know the person.
@@Langkowski I have to agree. I was encouraged to give up another analogy to forgiveness. I don't forget. I haven't met anyone that didn't have evil parents. I'm lucky I guess I didn't get so involved in the victim personality . getting stuck in being the victim can lead to a mass baby temper tantrum , not taking self responsibility to grow up and basically blaming everyone for personal failures. Yes it sucked to be the grown up at 4. Yes they were drunk shallow rich parents and? Grieving is important just don't get stuck there
My parents don't want to acknowledge their behavior. So for now, I'm keeping a distance
Evil parents know what they doing not acknowledging is on purpose
I'm in the same boat,no acknowledgment whatsoever.Now 4 years later,I'm past caring.im neither happy or sad about it.my life has moved on.
@@starsstripes2393 I want to get to that place of indifference too..... its going to be a long road. I do not visualise them in my future and need to learn to live with it without the pain and anger.
@@vivdoolan6846 Believe me it does get easier,there's days if not weeks that go by and they don't even cross my mind,mothers day and fathers day use to really upset me - But this year I just sailed through it.
Theo Kirkly. U are so correct. I went no contact from my family of origin 20 years ago and never looked back. DONE DONE AND DONE.
Wake up parents, listen, don't deny. That would be a start. Become conscious and aware, stop lying and denying.
Silverline88 Yes you are on point. I also believe this is why so many parents are NEVER visited in assisted living homes. I know I never visited and never will visit my father where he is. I have a younger brother, he’s in his early 50s now who is our father’s conservator and told me I’m the worst person in the world bc I will not visit him. My brother is a delusional idiot who has this ridiculous fantasy bond STILL with this man. I told a therapist I know on talk radio about this and he told me not only is my brother in major denial but that he is dangerous and I owe my family NOTHING and to never visit my father at all which I already knew I was not going to do anyway. I have been numb to their nonsense and cruelty forever. My brother hates me so much that he hopes I die alone and miserable. My family IS A REAL PIECE OF WORK TO SAY THE LEAST and I’m the oldest of 7 if u can imagine that. Not one ally in this family. I’m the only one who tells the truth and had enough courage to GET OUT over 20 years ago. It’s literally like I can’t believe I have the Same DNA. Ive been the scapegoat forever also. It’s made me a very strong person and a fierce child advocate. I thank God for this. God bless you and congratulations FOR GETTING IT.
@@laraoneal7284 I am in the process of really taking distance and sticking to this. They keep on trying to get me back with their toxic lies about me. It's the only way they ever had to control me: making me believe I'm the worst person in the world and don't deserve anything. The only way to gain back my life and confidence is setting firm boundaries; I don't except any negativity anymore. It tells me a lot about the huge frustration my sister is experiencing now because she's losing the control finally. Trying to keep me a captive is all they've ever known and truly they call this love and say I'm the crazy one. The usual, for us scapegoats.. I'm working my way out and have found a good therapist as well who works with narcissims survivors.
@@laraoneal7284 you should be very proud of yourself. Stay strong and be happy. Life is too short. You deserve peace.
Wayne M It sounds corny but better late than never. It is amazing how miserable ppls adult lives are bc they never break the sick fantasy bond with their parents. It is tragic bc they will never be their authentic selves.
@@laraoneal7284 It's true, but I believe everyone has a sick fantasy bond. It's very hard to break, when you don't know how your life's gonna be. There's so much fear involved for people, breaking up with their family. Taboos, fear of abandonment et cetera. (But the abandonment has already happened of course). I'm trying to heal my inner child, while keeping my family at a distance. It's a very deep soul-searching adventure. And it's very hard to start caring for yourself and your inner child better, much better than your parents ever could or did. I want to forgive them because it gives me more inner peace, but this is a process as well.
You forgot the magic words. #1 I am sorry and #2 I was wrong. My mom would prefer to be dissolve in acid instead of saying those words. LOL I'm happy I can laugh about it today. I'm free :D
Sorry isnt enough for me. "Im so sorry i abandoned my kids..." So, what? Do something about it if you're really sorry. But i understand where you're coming from.
I wouldn't expect them to do something about it because I'm a grown up person now, but just saying sorry doesn't make up for my whole messed up life and psyche. And that is despite all the circumstances that weren't even their fault. Some were though and there was always responsibility. Sorrynotsorry. I will need to do a lot of healing before I would come in peace with it.
But if one of them would somehow recognize their own childhood traumas and will be trying to find ways to heal them that would be awesome.
Dave Murray My parents are the same and the went no contact over 20 years ago and yes I’m free also. These types of parents are the RULE NOT THE EXCEPTION. I’ve been in it and researching it for over 25 years and it is clear. God bless you.
Black Cat Yes but don’t hold ur breath. It never happens.
Lol right? My parents rather lose me and my son (who they love like crazy, unlike myself) than just apologize and be decent human beings.
I was really happy to hear what this man is saying. My childhood was one big nightmare. As I grew into adulthood, I realized that my parents would have done many years of jail time for the horrible things they did. I had a poor example of parenting from them, I took it as a beneficial warning as to what NOT to do.
When I went back to my parents to talk to them, it was total denial. According to them, they were completely correct in depriving me of food as a punishment, the beatings I received from which I still have scars were because I was a horrible child. I cut ties, didn't see them for the last 20 years of their lives.
Because I broke free at age 18, I fared better than my 5 siblings. My siblings all have extreme dysfunctional relationships, substance abuse, alcohol addiction. 2 of my younger siblings died very young from morbid obesity.
I was not a perfect parent, no one is. I did try very hard to break the cycle of abuse, for the most part, I did.
When my children came to me, as adolescents & young adults, about that which I did that hurt them?
I felt that I wanted t do better than my parents. Although I saw the situations differently than my children did, I acknowledged their pain, apologized, asked for forgiveness. It has made a big impact in beautiful ways. It strengthened our bonds, drew us closer in a healthy way.
All 4 of my children are happy, kind hearted, educated adults, happily married, making positive contributions to the world.
If I died today, I would die happily, knowing that all four of my babies are happy, are more than able to take care of themselves.
Warm hello!
I wish my mom was like you...
Hey Daniel, I really want to thank you for posting this video and for having some nuance around this issue. Eleven years ago I distanced myself from my mother because I felt resentment around a few things, specifically the emotions I felt like I had to suppress growing up (even though she loving generally, I didn’t feel like I had a place to really share negative feelings I was experiencing). I didn’t go home for thanksgiving or Christmas, a first for me. What unfolded was a months long email dialogue between me and her. She explained that growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father didn’t give her the tools to support me emotionally the way I needed to be as a very sensitive child, and she apologized for that. I gave her “drama of the gifted child” and she read that and we talked about it too. Eventually, we repaired our relationship. She passed away 6 years ago, and I wish we could have had more time to dive deeper into what she experienced as a child, but I’m overall grateful she was able to listen to me and I do think our temporary rift was necessary for us to get to a better place. I hope more parents watch your video and genuinely take something constructive from it. Thank you for the work you are doing Daniel. There isn’t a video you post that doesn’t make me think more deeply and profoundly about the world, and I appreciate that!
Being raised by my mom was like a soap opera and we were captive extras. It was constant and I mean constant drama.
I am so much better but every now and again I get flashbacks and I am in awe that I got away and I am in my present situation.
It's unbelievable and I have to ground myself that yes I am safe now. It's tragic. God help us all.
CONGRATS TO YOU!
Mental illness, drugs and toxic extended family members, who are in denial about these problems, can poison a child against a parent. I swear I've tried nearly everything you've advised (including therapy) and ended up being severly beaten.
My advice: Cut all ties and go "no contact" with severely dysfunctional family, before you have a child.
Kids don't leave their parents for no good reason. I've separated from mine for years and now but was there when they were ill and died, etc. I still refuse to attend family events. My siblings expext me to show up and are resentful when I don't. I think by doing this, they feel I've taken some power away from them.
Expectations are a problem. And when you don't deliver, you're the problem in their eyes.
@Ronald Hidde
Well I had that fear at first. And then I realized i may or may not feel devastated *in the future*. But I know for sure that keeping toxins in my life is devastating to my well being *in the present*. In addition, after I walked away, the assholes started paying people to stalk me. That convinced me I made the right call, and they really are more vicious than I was ever willing to believe. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I started healing after taking that very painful step.
Guys, the Most Difficult Decision end up Being The BEST Decision we could take !!!!
It's tough breaking away,I did it many times and went back.i just wasnt strong enough.Then oneday I just got kicked in the teeth a little bit harder.Enough was enough.
I just cut mine off a couple weeks ago. It’s the best choice I ever made. Now I can just work on healing from the decades of disrespect and abuse.
I believe some parents don't realize the things that they thought were "not that bad" and forgiveable were extremely hurtful for to their children. My parents included. For example I grew up in a household where my Mom could say any and everything to hurt us and we were still suppose to love her because she's our Mom(She'll even tell you that). Now that we're adults and no one talks to her, she trashes us to the family and claims that she wasn't a bad mother. So threatening, beating, and spitting on your children doesn't make you a bad mother??? In order to be on good terms with my mother, you have to sacrifice your respect. She believes that if you're a mother you can do bad things to your children and your children should love you regardless. She thinks that you can put your children last but your children should always put you first.
I ran away from home at 13 and kept running away. When you stay outside of the family, the family justifies your absence to others. As time goes on, the fake version of you is the only one they can accept in public. When psychologists discuss dysfunctional family roles, they describe the family scapegoat as the "Identified patient". That was my role. I was institutionalized from 13-17 for running away from a bad situation. At this time of year I'm reminded that every fall my mother pays for everyone's airfare to Thanksgiving ... everyone but me, that is. Almost 50 years later, I remain ... Uninvited. :-)
I just love the smirk at the end! :) Beautifully written.
For the parents in the comments disagreeing with this video and/or blaming their children instead of looking within, I think the reason you’re not able to understand your adult child’s perspective is because you have a wounded inner child and unprocessed trauma. Once you reflect on your own dysfunctional upbringing and childhood, will you understand that you repeated patterns that were not healthy and it hurt your child(ren). If their childhood was really that great, you wouldn’t be estranged. Let that sink in.
Very well said.
Jaysas people. You don't own your children. They don't exist to make you happy. You can't MAKE someone want you and neither can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there. Re-establish your own backbone and stop already. You don't need to have resentment or desperation or anything. Recognize that your children are their own entity and identity and nothing you do can MAKE them do or feel anything. Accept that and a large part of your problem may be solved as two of the most off-putting things in any interpersonal relation are desperation and guilttripping
Once I got used to the estrangement, I actually started feeling good again and I was glad I could spend my money on myself more after 30 years of sacrificing. I wish my daughter well and am happy to love her from a far. Her and her friends are miserable and misery loves company, none of them are married and I suspect that is why a lot of adult children are estranged, lots of failing at life. Oh also my business is thriving because I no longer have to drop everything I'm doing to help her out, which was a lot!
I would love to have a functional relationship with my one surviving, elderly parent.
However, a relationship requires communication, including 'listening'.
Respecting quite reasonable boundaries is another thing.
It simply is not possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who can't, or won't listen, nor with someone who cannot respect boundaries.
So, whilst death is final, what difference does it make if communication and respecting boundaries are absent?
Whatever old is the parent, whatever is the family link, the relationship must be based on EQUALITY: same rights, same duties FREELY accepted. It's better to be alone (all one) that to be in bad company.
Gerhard Symons You are so correct. God bless you. I more than understand what you are saying. It is sad that we were dealt this Hand but God gives us a special gift of wisdom to take care of ourselves bc they certainly did not. Be good to yourself. You deserve the best and be strong.
Societal values change and many parents are even less equipped to deal with those changes. Terms like 'communication', 'boundaries' and 'respect' have taken a different tone than previous generations knew.
@@laraoneal7284 Thanks for the kind words Lara.
Gerhard Symons You are more than welcome. I hope u can find solace in the fact you are far from alone. I went no contact from my parents and siblings 20 years ago. I am the scapegoat and enough was enough.
Absolutely spot on. We wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a so called friend and unfortunately the therapist model is so heavily bent towards keeping adult kids tied to parents no matter what they did in the name of reunification and anti parentification and taking the agency away from adult kids. It’s still accepting abuse whether it’s from the therapist, the therapist model, the parent who can’t accept responsibility and make the right amends. Kids and adults may have that special link but when a growing kid needs to individuate, not be codependent and to be adults in their own right. It’s debateable of the concept of flocking the nest later on and how based in our nature it is to be tied to a parent and the proximity of it.
Unfortunately the underlying psychology of the parents that led to a break with their children, completely limits their ability to apologize and empathize with anyone.
My parents are not introspective people, have no empathy, and have never apologized to me for anything EVER. Years ago I finally came to the conclusion that they’re incapable of healthy relationships, and will never change. They’re emotional black holes, dark and empty, but will suck in all the emotions of anyone close to them.
GamePurist, sadly there are many of us with the same story. Peace to you.
💯
My daughter definitely set me on the right path. She was the first person to fully articulate for me that I was abused by my family and that they were still at it (at that moment). I have broken from the close family that are still alive.
Estrangement from people is
a direct result of knowing them too well
I'm not sure what that means as a good parent one would have to know there children.
This is so helpful. I’m estranged from my mother. I don’t want to be. It causes pain every day of my life. If she would only watch this video and take it to heart and care enough to try and meet me halfway. But she doesn’t. My entire life I’ve only ever been the one to apologize between the two of us. She never apologizes and she never acknowledges her part in anything. She’s never defended me and she’s never put up a fight for me. I could’ve been the most wonderful friend and daughter to her in her life. But she refused to learn how to love me. And so now I have to love myself and my own daughter. I pity her because it’s a waste of her life and a waste of what could’ve been some of her greatest blessings. So many people like to scold and condemn those who estrange themselves from their aging parents. Often they have no idea the grief that we’ve carried for decades trying to be good enough and trying to be worthy of love. We were always worthy and good enough. Our parents just couldn’t see it just like they continue to not be able to see their own grievous sins.
By estranging from your Mom, you have taught your daughter how she can treat you. You're such a great parent for modeling that for her and how she will treat you when you get old. Good job.
I thought you were giving a report on my life lol . May your heart be light and your smile shine . Be proud of yourself for accepting things for what they are .
Sometimes people have fantasy about relationships. I used to do that. Then decided I had to accept reality. Parents have faults and we may not meet each others needs. Sometimes you just have to accept that. They will be gone soon enough.
@@jamilgotcher5456 You are an abuser. Go to a therapist and figure out what happened to you to make you into someone who abuses other people. Heal that damage and stop abusing other people instead of living in denial of your unhealthy behavior. You might even feel better as a person because you are either broken (and can be fixed) or are just a rotten to the core, stone cold abuser with no remorse. I don't care which but please stop acting like you're some paragon of healthy relationship knowledge.
How did it go?
These are beautiful strategies. It's unfortunate that most parents who now have estranged children want to do exactly zero work to understand why that happened and what role they themselves played in it.
Yep
I've been growing, recognized alot of things I did wrong, admitted it to the Only of my children he talks to....in case he ever wants to hear that. I miss him so bad...it's been 7-8 yrs. I want a chance to tell him...hopefully one day I'll get that chance...I'm uncertain of his reasons why he just abruptly left my life..he hasn't told me..but I have seen some reasons it could have been. He lives very close to me, he doesn't want me to know. I've known for yrs. I've respected his choice, & have, & wont go to his place, unless he, himself invited me. But I wont lie, it's Very hard to not just drop off goodies fir him.
It’s not always the parents.
@@IronBitch-SapphireandIron Do you think he's gay and that's why he won't talk to you? He doesn't think you'd understand?
That is because your parents probably went through similar or hard circumstances and worked through it. Bla.k g other people is the easy and wrong way out
This is very wholesome advice. My beautiful daughter left right before turning 18 years old. She doesn't want to have contact with me ever again but she gave me the gift of a detailed letter of all the reasons why she doesn't want to have me in her life. No matter how painful, I own it and finally I respect her wishes.
Its hard, but I know is for the best and I can continue to grow and better myself even if she might never speak to me again.
I think it makes it a bit easier to accept the situation and move on as well.
It Is hard....my son has Never told me why. Hugs
She actually gave you a gift. Do you know how many parents wish their adult children would be independent and can't get rid of them? lol. Just kidding but truthfully, your daughter doesn't sound like a good person and I hope she has her own children judge her some day so she will know how she made you feel.
Accept the situation but don't address anything she said or do anything to improve the relationship. That's some awesome 'parenting' right there! Child -- "I have this list of issues to deal with..." Parent -- "Well no. Your problems are YOUR problems." Child -- Goes No Contact. Parent -- "I don't understand why my child doesn't speak to me! I did 'nothing' and I'm all out of ideas on how to 'fix' this!"
@@jamilgotcher5456 It's all about the 'parent' and their feelings and them judging all the way... You sound just like my 'mom'.
@@IronBitch-SapphireandIron If you need to be told you probably weren't paying attention or cared. Children know that and give up trying. Look in the mirror. The answer is there if you look.
Thank you for this! I am 60. My 34 year old son has not broken from me, but he has been in so much emotional pain and I am trying to figure out my part. I just assumed that much of what he’s going through is my fault because I was the person responsible for raising him. He is a kind and sensitive individual and I love him dearly. We are both trying to heal and I am appreciative of your insights and think it will help us.
Wow you seem lucid. The other parents in here seem disconnected and confused. No disrespect to them, just an observation.
I wish my mom cared enough to watch this...but valuable content! Thank you for helping people try to reunite
Same
Still too many parents on here blaming the child - "I did so much", "they just used me for money" .... Well, they don't owe you because"you did so much". And you chose to give the money - let it go freely and without obligation. And stop giving if you think they don't need it. Let them grow up and let them make their own decisions and respect them for it - without resentment and nastiness.
And rewatch what Daniel has to say until you actually hear and take in what he is saying. Take responsibility and grow up yourself, parents, instead of thinking your adult kids owe you - actually they don't. You the parent has to become a grown up, not all selfish and clingy and demanding.
You are obviously not familiar with parental alienation. Lucky you. 😉
@@goodintentions1302 "parental alienation" is a totally separate issue to the kind of parenting I clearly describe here.
@@elipotter369, I guess I needed to reread what you wrote. For me, it's just been hard watching good parents be thrown over for parents who abandoned kids until they're grown. Or parents who pay child support, sometimes more than required or expected, but are bad-mouthed so much by the custodial parent that the kids push them away. It's always the kids who lose when selfish immature parents are in the mix. Peace ☮️
@@goodintentions1302 Yes, that kind of injustice sucks, and speaking from personal experience if can't fix it and don't want to make negative fuss, just have to let it go and focus on the positive. I know I helped my offspring to the max I could manage, and that's what matters to me more than the justice of how much am appreciated or loved compared to other people who should have been helping.
@@goodintentions1302 ok but you weren’t let down by children you were let down by other parents.. your beef is with them not us
So strange my daughters father abandoned her emotionally and physically, yet she sees no wrong in him. As her mother, she sees the devil. I have apologized over and over. I reach out and I have gone through intense therapy and am willing to give her what my parents didn’t. She just gets more cruel and now lashes out at her sister, who I feel I have hurt more but has forgiven me. Life is a puzzle. I have finally found peace knowing I did all I could.
Orlando Karma exact same story here. It hurts.
My situation as well.
I feel your pain.I keep telling myself maybe one day.
Marsha Kirby things have improved some. I’m starting to realize it’s not me. There is hope but always take care of yourself.
God Bless You! 🙏
I'm loving your work here. It's truly awesome.
I got specific with ways I felt I hurt my own children and apologized along with making amends to all three.
I wrote them a letter each at the time and since then have continued to build on my relationship with them and my now eight grandbabies.
I broke away from my own parents who have yet to take responsibility for the hell they put me through as a child and adult and I couldn't imagine doing what they did to me to my own children or grandchildren.
Its really tough to hear from your child the ways in which they felt hurt however I have witnessed first hand how healing it is for them to have the validation they deserve and need.
They're all worthy of being heard and held in their hurt and pain.
Sammy -- Wow -- thank you for sharing this. Daniel
@@dmackler58 Thank you. I appreciate your taking time to respond.
I hope the comment will be a help to other parents who maybe don't know where to begin .
Happy new year 💞
Thank you so much 😊🙏 You are a good person
Translation: It's YOUR fucking fault, parents!
More like stop assuming the kids had “no reason”. The logical response is that something went wrong, and if you can’t confront that, you aren’t being a good parent. My mom did it and I am closer to her now more than ever.
My father and I broke away from one another. I initiated the break due to his unrelenting abuse. I told him how I felt about what had done and continued to do once I was fully grown at 50. I want nothing to do with him. He will listen, take ownership for his behavior, nor change his behavior. It’s been almost 19 years and my life has never been happier.
This sounds like my sister and I with our mother. I often worry about what will happen when they get sick and die. During those last years, what are we supposed to do? Like "yo, I know I haven't seen you in a million years but now that you're checking out, I love you?"
It's hard to envision.
My parents are too old to change. My mother is 76-77 yo and my father is 80. We can forgive our parents for the wrong they caused, but accept that they may never apologize or change bc it’s too late. Forgiveness needs to occur whether they apologize and change or not. And forgiving doesn’t mean having a relationship and trusting them to be back in your life. Cutting off unhealthy relationships is wise.
Wayne M forgiveness is for you. That’s letting go of the resentment and anger toward them. Trusting them to be in your life, No. I do not talk to my parents bc they are too dysfunctional but I am working on forgiving them bc I need to heal myself.
Wayne M your parents sound like mine. I guess I just want to see other people not struggle w resentment and anger like I have for years. I have made the decision finally to let the anger go towards them. And we can do this without receiving an apology. I hope you find peace. And I wish you well
Thats ageism
@@katierojas8066 Trying to force yourself into forgiveness when they have ot earned it will hold you back from healing. You do not need to forgive to feel free, you need to practice radical acceptance which is very different and not having the pressure upon yourself to forgive will allow you to move forward into a healthy place a lot sooner. When I stopped trying to force myself to forgive, life opened up again. We can become our own worst enemies with the demands we put on ourselves. I will never forgive my parents but I accept what they have done. I accept that they will never acknowledge the hurt they caused and I accept the pain I feel and felt at having no closure.... just that acceptance takes a ton off your shoulders and you can work towards being free with a lighter load xxxx
Please stay away from your elderly parents, you have caused them enough pain. They deserve to live their final days in peace and you just cause pain and harm.
My dad didn't get along with his dad. He didn't get along with his brother. His sister moved to the opposite side of the country, never calls or visits him. My mom left him once and the only reason she came back was because she got diabetes and needed his blue cross insurance. My dad being able to have financial control over people is the only reason anyone ever stuck around for him. As soon as that was taken care of, everyone deserted him. He went through a narcissistic collapse. Literally. He laid down on the grass and wouldn't move until my mom came home.
Most likely a drastic change in the parents behavior is a response to the change in the power dynamic and not some genuine change of character.
Why would I want to interact with my parents who suddenly are trying to be nice to me so that I wont leave them again?
At that point it is very hard to genuinely repair the damage that has been done over so many years.
It would also feel weird and fake. Another thing they can do is overdo it so as to make you feel guilty or that you are unreasonable.
"Genuinely hard to repair the damage..." Truth!! I am watching for going on 10 years my husband's strained, un-genuine relationship with his parents...because the genuine bond was shattered in his youth.
Exactly. I have come to realise that my family never cared much for admitting faults or respecting me until the power shifted. Once they didn’t have control, or once there was more at stake, they suddenly “remembered” or “realised” their abuse. That is a false acknowledgement. If they really deeply understood and cared, they would have apologised and tried to fix it when it was destroying my physical and mental health making me suicidal, not when I let them know they will never be present in my future.
I wouldn't necessarily say they're being fake. Once you hit 55+ it's the countdown to the casket. Makes everything else petty.
I was raised by 2 battling malignant narcissists. They both abused me physically, verbally and mentally. I got out at 48, and starting over has been extremely rough. I also have Multiple Sclerosis, and im sure growing up like that had a lot to do with it. One is dead now and i have zero sadness about him. The other lives in a delusional world where she's perfect and nothing is her fault. I'm not wasting any more of my time on that family
I am right there with you. My father abused us beyond words - when mother wouldn’t sleep with him he’d come in my room at 2 am and turn the light on and blame me, calling me horrible names. He’d take me to bridges out in nowhere when I was 5 and hold me over the side. There’s so much more. It ruined my ability to trust any one my entire life. My mother watched it and did absolutely nothing. My vile father is dead and my brother and I do not speak with my mother. Since cutting that contact I’ve been able to move on slowly - every time I talked to her she never once talked about it, etc. I doubt I’ll ever speak with her again. So I’m right there with you!
It's funny how parents act with like everyone who is a parent is good at it. Like as if everyone who's on the road is good at driving. They're not! There are bad drivers, there are bad parents. It'd be humorous to see if the two correlate 😄(jk)
There is a correlation. Cluster b individuals have been studied and found to be very aggressive/dangerous drivers. Along with others who are traumatized.
I see so many parents in the comments blaming the children they raised…. Interesting
You've failed to mention parental alienation by one parent over the other and all the untruths some children are bombard with by the alienating parent. In this case, there isn't a healthy reason for them to want to get away/estrange the other parent. The child is fed a steady diet of lies and they manipulated into believing their estranged parent is evil. In fact, what the custodial parent is doing is child abuse. They will often resort to the most vile and disgusting tactics possible, such as saying the the estranged/alienated parent was abusive, violent, and even molested their own child. Training your child to believe this when none of it is true is the epitome of evil and out-of-control narcissism. Everyone suffers when this happens, but especially the child and the estranged parent.
This is a typical deflection answer. Nobody who came from an abusive home cares about PA. Abusers almost always claim some 3rd party influencer or PA as a way to not deal with their own behavior/part in the situation.
You decided who to have the child with. You had part in it.
@@SantaFeSuperChief1 You'd think us 'kids' are the ones who picked who these 'adults' chose to have a child with. They won't even own that THEY picked their partner. I mean how much more responsibility can these people try to duck then their choice of partner? It's jaw dropping... "My partner was abusive but it's my child's fault that they are effed up from that parent!"
Well I put both kids on a pedestal. I did to much, I always was there when they needed anything. I became severely depressed and became abused in a relationship last year both kids in 30s when I really needed help I wasn't believed I was with a narcissist. My son flatly refused to believe it and turned his back. My daughter said she was dealing with ambiguous grief basically greiving the person I use to be so she abandoned me. Could it be I no longer was able to financially bail her out all the time? I became poor had a breakdown mom couldn't do anymore maybe it isn't always the parents fault
Reading this comment, it was definitely you.
@@s0lid_sno0ks No. Her kids are shitty. Kids can be shitty to their parents for no good reason.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this =(
I'm really sorry you had to deal with all that. That sounds really hard.
sara ali that’s absolutely false, they always have a reason. Even thought they might not say it, they might have the damage inside. Mental problems can be a factor too.
No one in my family will ever talk about or deal with what happened. It was too long ago, for one thing. I finally put "caution tape" around all of them; Life is too short. Things are otherwise good for me so that's the best I can do. 🙂
I like the caution tape idea!
A lot of unaware narcissists disliked this and it really does show.
Probably but I think also the trend is to put the blame solely on the parents and that just can’t be. Each situation is unique. Almost every one of these I watch it’s parents this parents that parents you need to bow down to the kids etc etc. sometimes no matter how well you raise your kids no matter how good you are the black sheep roams off.
@@Jared-tc1qt black sheep here. I don’t feel loved in my family. I never have. It made me chase them do everything in my power to please them but nothing. So I set some boundaries. Simple stuff. And they still didn’t respect them. What do I do in this situation? Stay unhappy when that exact unhappiness lead me to no longer be here or cut them off for my own mental health?
@@Jared-tc1qt Children don't walk away from loving families whether parents want to accept that or not. The 'black sheep' aka the Scapegoat is driven away for the reasons that Stefan Doo mentioned. If your child(ren) shun you, you DID NOT raise them well.
@@Jared-tc1qt interesting that a guy named "Jared" is hating on kids.
Could this be a post from prison?🤔
If you can’t empathize with your child, then can you really love them?
My mom re married he abused me, alienated me from all family, destroyed the relationship between me and my mother, she allowed the abuse to happen because she started a new family with a new husband and loved me way less. Today my mother can go to hell. Reality new marriage new family. Previous marriages child feels like the intruder
Great information. I never want to see either of my parents again. I don't want their apologies. I don't want their approval. I want them to leave me be. Working on themselves is a great idea but I am not interested in the result. The societal concept of family forever/sanctity of the parent creates an expectation that can expose adult children to ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS). There are all sorts of awful people in the world, parenthood doesn't cure them.
Tricky Nicky I am so glad you said this!!
I would have loved a relationship with my mother especially since I’m her only child. but She never learn to listen and let go of control. Kept trying to parent me my husband even in my kids. Once I was in my forties. I was just exhausted with trying to placate her and her crazy moods. I went no contact just to save my family and what was left of my life. She’s dead now . I’m 56. And I don’t miss her. I miss what we could have had had she taken responsibility and tried to listen and learn from her mistakes and corrected herself. I NEVER wanted to be estranged from my mother I loved her, it was so hard not visit with her. But she caused such trauma and trouble for me and my family. . I’m glad it’s over!!
Very painful but accurate advice. Thank you. It's not about how much you did for your children, it's how you treated them and made them feel. I have lots of regrets cause I got hurt and angry and said nasty things.
My excuse was because I was married to a narc for 30 yrs and had lost the ability to know right from wrong. But there is no excuse for mistreating your loved ones. I should have focused on their emotional wellbeing more. It's too late to even ask for forgiveness now sadly as she has gone no contact and my relationship with my son is very shallow.
They both do not know how sorry I am and no one knows if I have changed, not even myself.
I am very sad I don't have them in my life but also happy and relieved in a way that that they don't have me in their lives anymore and am no longer the cause of any pain to them.
God Bless them.
Hi Rubina. Thank you for your comment. I must say, there is a part of me that wishes my advice were neither painful nor accurate... Not fun stuff. But it's also true for me -- in my relationships with the people I have harmed. I have to own my stuff, change my behavior through healing, and then let the cards fall where they may -- can't control others' healing processes. I'm wishing you the best on your journey. Daniel
It’s always the Narcissists...vile creatures.
@@dmackler58 Thank you Daniel. That means a lot. Few steps forward few steps back, but this year I feel I am almost there!
@@infinitetundra Yeah lol.
Why anyone has to hurt others for no reason, I fail to understand. Guess they are so damaged they know no better. Really sad.
Rubina Merchant, I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions & behavior. As a child of a narcissist mother, I would urge you to reach out to,your children & take responsibility for your actions until they tear down their walls. My only suggestion is to let them tell you how they feel no matter how often they have to without your judgment. We children no matter how,old,we are just want our moms to love us no matter what we do or how old we are. Good luck!
At this time my adult daughter wants me to stay away. I am heartbroken. I appreciate your input. I need to get help taking a good look at myself.
You are one the right track. My parents never see past themselves. No responsibility for any thing. Bullies, bribers, manipulators, abusive, they guilt trip me, gaslighters, super critical.
@@cooldude8912 If everything you say is true. I advice you to stay from your parents forever. mines were the same and they never changed. ..never. I wish peace for you.
@@latinlegacies8396 It is 100% true. It is taboo to break up with your parents in this society by older generations. Newer generations are leaving in droves. Culture and nationality makes it wether it is acceptable majorly or frowned up. My overall health matters more than critics "feelings." I don't love, respect my parents or certain family members any more. I had the misfortune of meeting them.
its really amazing that your trying
We need to ask our parents as adult children to open up. Enough with the stiff upper lip. Hurt people hurt people sadly. I understand the pain many are mentioning here as well.
I’m a single Mother, learning myself. I’m at a place where I’m making my wrongs right and unhealthy with my children. I acknowledge 100% that I’ve caused harm to my children mainly my youngest and my oldest children heard and watched me mistreat my youngest. My children’s ages are 12, 9 and 6. But Why did I or why have I mistreated my 6 year old? Because I have regrets with her father, I dislike him. I lectured my 6 year olds father for years to do his part as her father. I learned that when he decided to come in and out of my baby’s life she began to change for the worse and I didn’t realize until now that she’s reacting or acting out because of her father and me. I’ve taken my negative emotions out on my children but mainly my youngest. I’ve recently, genuinely and deeply apologized to my children and now I desire to change ME for me and my children. To change my heart in general, to change how I react to toxic situations concerning my past with family and others being my children’s fathers and change my ways towards my children. I need to forgive myself for my past and how I’ve been raising my children, to forgive people who have hurt me and I need to let go of the pain I’ve experienced, but I don’t know how. I desire to become a better parent with my children. I need to change my heart is in pain.... I don’t know how to change. I’ll be studying this video and taking notes. If comments are negative they will be ignored 🖤
It's going to be okay. You're on the right track ❤
Thank you for making the effort.
And that’s why you are different from our parents hun. Great job
do estranged parents that are willing to admit and do all that exist? have you encountered them?
The only big thing I found problematic is that you tell the parent to "maybe hold off" on contacting estranged children and leave it open for the parent to try later. No. If an adult child has gone NC from theor parents, that is a boundary to be respected regardless of the reason the adult child has decided to sever ties. I think your advice for the parent to work on their own healing and growth is excellent, but don't set the precedent for them to justify reaching out to kids who've told them not to.
Agree. Stalkers are disgusting
do 👏 not 👏 *STALK AND HARASS* 👏 other 👏 adults 👏 whether they are related to you or not. it is intrusive, abusive, and sometimes/some places illegal.
I agree .....it's just so heartbreakng. You want to fix it.
It depends. I’d like my mum to change and show me change before I’ll speak to her again. I still live her deeply, but I’m done with her crap
Wow, I feel really bad now .. when I got married , I rarely visited back home. It wasn’t because they were abusive with me. ~ I was just very tired from working two jobs & taking care of my husband , and his family that often came to visit. Also, I got used to living in nicer accommodations, so I felt better if they came to visit with me. ~ I was simply not designed to physically travel to maintain a relationship. I’m not into commuting ! ~ A few years later, when my marriage broke up, my parents took me back & I was grateful for the support. As I was also recovering from a stroke. .~ I don’t hold any grudges against my parents, both who grew up in during wartime, and I would never punish them out of retaliation . I have the ability to see why people are the way they are, and accept them as they are. Especially, my parents. 🎊🎎🎏🎈
You are a kind person. Your last sentence says it all that the world seems not to want to understand.
You have a maturity that a lot of these estranged adult children lack. I hope they all get judged by their own children some day as harshly as they've judged their parents.
Daniel I can’t imagine any parents even asking to resolve this at all. I believe they are disengenuous. These parents NEVER CHANGE. They are psychopathic. Do u Daniel really believe these parents? I’ve been to dozens of sexual abuse victim recovery meetings over a 3 year period and THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED EVEN ONCE. I went back contact from my parents over 20 years. Never have heard one word from these people not one. My mother died 4 years ago and never once tried to reach me. Never invited to funeral and my name was left out of her list of survivors. Was not surprised at all. I didn’t even looked for any obituary. A friend at the time looked it up and told me what she saw on internet. Again I had no reaction whatsoever. I said , look this is what they do. Went NO CONTACT (correction 20 years ago).
Lara O'neal
Maybe 1% can change. And this video is for them. The 99% are leaving nasty comments here. Lol
Toxic single morhers should be cut off. I was giving mine 50 bucks every week and she still push me and boss me about like a kid at age 24. I left home over 11 years ago. She's dead now and I got no more dirty tears to shed for her. Hope she's burning in hell. :/
JIMBO8472 their marital status makes no difference to me. Only how they treat you
What a horrible thing to say about your deceased mother. That says a lot about you.
Kyla Bean
You reap what you sow. If you don't want to be talked about like this when you're dead, then don't treat your children like shit while you're alive. Dropping dead does not absolve of child abusing sins.
@@kylabean4591 It says a lot about an adult who abuses their own child(ren) to the point where the child harbors such ill will toward them even in death. Judging how victims of abuse feel about their abuser (especially adult on CHILD abuse) is gross and says a lot about YOU. Supporting child abusers and victim blaming is gross.
Narcissist spotting in these comments is so predictably infuriating
I left my whole family behind in 2015. Missed Father's death and funeral, never shed a tear when I learned about it. I want no relationship with any part of my family, ever
Adult children need to get away, grow up, be independent and have strong boundaries. A lot of parents need to let the adult children step away and get on with their own lives. Instead, these parents get annoyed when the child doesn't keep giving them attention and a relationship, leading to "estrangement".
Parents need to let them go and the parent needs to get busy with their own lives. And let the child establish what kind of relationship they want with the parent - instead of attempting to force on to adult children what the parent wants. Grow up, parents.
I agree with you but my adult children (I’m not estranged from them at all) are the opposite. Their mother has almost zero boundaries, is so smothering, loves to control her time with them, etc etc and they literally are drawn to it, it’s so weird. I was raised to do what you mention and in turn it has severely cut into my time with them because their mother in her 40’s who wants to be the cool mom and thinks she’s 20 wants her cake and eat it too. I feel sorry for all of them in a way
@@Jared-tc1qt that's unfortunate, but very common for mums in particular to not step away - they've spent so many years making their children their primary identity and purpose, they just don't know how. And some children don't have enough boundaries or self identity yet, if ever, to put their foot down or move away.
@@elipotter369 I am, unfortunately, one of those.
The hardest parts to getting away is that the foundations for "independence", were never in place, due to the abuse and neglect. I don't see a "home", nor a way, and yet, I really have no choice.
I'm mid 50's, learned extensively about this, formally (Master's 8n Counseling), and more so informally, many therapies, etc. So deep are these wounds, and so numerous, the wounded. Your understanding that "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" assumes you have them, and early trauma precludes such resilience; at least for myself. I "faked it" for 47-years, not even knowing that this is what I was doing (emotionally). When I crashed.....I cannot seem to uncrash, and as I am triggered by my elderly father with whom I'm residing, I am proud for standing up for the cat, and his unwillingness to "see" her, but it becomes mixed with what I needed. I called him out, again on this neglect. He's told me to leave his home, which is his right, and is fair, as he cares not to understand (I've tried giving him videos to watch, etc.), nor be "bothered" with my feelings/thoughts. It's a baffling and emotionally draining experience. I don't have a job, have very little money, and there is really no place to go. Woe is me?? Yes, compassion for myself, but realistically, I cannot see a through this.
@@Eric-tj3tg All I can suggest at this difficult time is that you get some support and advice from other people. Community services etc.
@@elipotter369 Yes, I have done these things. I appreciate the response. For some, healing is just not in the cards, and I'm trying to come to terms with this. Be well, and again, your response is appreciated.
Wow. Such amazing insight. Thank you. Especially considering the video I watched just before this one was from an older 'professional', basically laughed at all adult children for being "unrealistic". It was gross.
I agree with you when you say, there is always an underlining healthy reason the adult child wants distance. All parents need to hear this message.
Adam, I saw that one too, it was pretty disgusting. Our stories and reasons are different, and some of us had this forced upon us. Come and visit, even just saved a hawk from a huge snake and got it up at my place too. Trying to show the other side of this situation. Take good care.
where is this video? i have some words for them.
What is the name of that other video?
Imo, if you can't 'own' yourself in life, if you can't control who you associate with, then what do you own?
The 'parent' needs to learn that no-one, not even their own 'child' owes them their time.
I wrote down a whole lot of my history. I'm at the point of writing down my final letter to my deseased mother and than I will burn all, as a final closure.
As far as my own parenting conserns, I was and am always willing to look at my own faults and want(ed) to know how come I made that fault?
It's a journey of a lifetime :')
Coming back to this video again, you were very brave to post this video, Daniel. I don't know if I'd be able to handle having all of these abusive parents lashing out at me for piercing their shields of denial.
Thank you. I appreciate your words. Daniel
I honestly haven't seen one comment made by a parent here lol
I've only seen estranged adult children chiming in about how this won't work (including me lol)
But I still commend you on this video and sincerely wish the best of luck to anyone genuinely trying to make amends.
@@billyb4790 actually lots of parents have commented but I haven't seen one negative comment towards Daniel, all the negativity instead is directed at their estranged children.
@@billyb4790I have. Most of them older than yours. And they are many.
@@vivdoolan6846agreed. But Daniel is the abused kid and therapist who is taking the side of abused kids so same difference
I appreciate a therapist (or person otherwise) who will tell me the truth about myself, good and bad. What I can’t tolerate, however, is when a therapist is unnessecarily mean and abusive, diminishing my self-esteem simply to make themselves feel more powerful. That’s happened to me and it was awful. I’m still trying to recover from my experience with her :/
I'm so sorry :( a therapist should never abuse their power over the client.
If I could tell my parents what I wanted for reconciliation it would be exactly this.
My 20 year old daughter treats me like filth ,she hates me for reprimanding her when she does wrongs.Even though I have taken responsibility for all my imperfections, she has hated me from she was a young teen now shes 20 ,its sad.I have a 17 year old that doesn't hate me .
I feel for you. I have a super strong willed 5 year old boy that gets angry and talks back to me if I say no or discipline. I'm so worried this will get worse as he gets older if he doesn't change. I do jot want him to get in trouble with police or other people.
He will raise his fist at me or say I am being mean or have anger fits.
It's a sign of a dysfunctional family, when siblings are not treated the same and one hates the parents and the other doesn't.
@@gigin9774 They were both treated the same I loved them on the same level I do not have a favourite .I reprimand them the same .My oldest daughter is stubborn and think shes older than me .
@@Chosennotbroken
I don't know what to tell you. That would certainly be an odd case.
@@Chosennotbroken My oldest daughter is stubborn and think shes older than me .
narc spoted and i mean you not your daughter
My 20 year old daughter treats me like filth ,she hates me for reprimanding her when she does wrongs.
this is narc atitude you have,you not tell her what she did wrong but how do right
that called contructive critism
Welcome to self-evaluation, which only those who really want it, have it ! To grow up is the key to survival. I'm sure this video is enormously helpful to many.
A very interesting perspective, Daniel. I wonder how many parents go to a therapist in order to solve the problem with estranged children....In my case, it is impossible because my mother is a pathological narcissist and I can never get accountability from her for her behavior. She thinks she was a great mother, wife, person ...everything. I am now 58 and an only child. My father, the perfect codependent died last year. I am now taking care of my mother and since I have discovered her pathology only 2 years ago, I finally realize that fixing my relationship with her is impossible. Most importantly, I have finally understood that it was not my fault, that I am good enough (I have always been an overachiever but somehow, she never appreciated my success). I HAVE 2 BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS AND I AM PROUD THAT WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I DESPERATELY WANTED TO BE "DIFFERENT" FROM MY MOTHER IN MY PARENTING.
Me too, malignant narc mother. th-cam.com/video/QN_a_Y3JTJU/w-d-xo.html
Cristina Magurean These malignant narc parents NEVER CHANGE, never own their behavior. They are literally dangerous and will cause somatic health problems eventually. Stay out. God bless you.
@@laraoneal7284 Yes, Lara, I totally agree. I am so sorry now that I wasted so much time and energy trying to improve my relationship with mom, thinking that if I just try harder, again and again, she will finally see how she hurts me. ..and possibly be sorry for a lifetime of putting me down and humiliating me in front of strangers. My every success was met with a bewildered face like "who knew that you had it in you, oh well...it was just a lucky strike" (my master degree)....etc..etc... God bless you too, best wishes from Transilvania
I’m sure my daughter thinks I’m a narcissist but would a narcissist sleep in a chair by their daughter’s hospital for 30 days straight and then in physical rehab I slept on a bench for another 3 weeks. Does a narcissist do that?
@@angiegracie6954 No, Angie, I don't think that it is a normal attitude for a narc to do that. But it all depends on your feelings and motivation. Why you stood there, was it because you love your daughter or because you felt it was your duty. My mother would sacrifice and torture herself just to be able to play the martyr later on. If you have doubts, there are a lot of tests that you find online for self diagnose.
When you have malignant intentional conscious narcissists who do horrific things to their children, they have to accept the permanent consequences.
You cant put your children on the street, lie about everything you don't like and be phobic towards their identities, reject all therapy and expect to have them ever again. Its done. Accept it.
It seems like the comments are mostly us, the abused grown up kids. We are here trying to see how this can affect them. We still care about them more than they cared about us.
This exactly. And reading the comments and catching many of those parents (you know the ones, you smell them from a mile away with "Our childrens' generation has absolutely zero respect" or "I gave my son everything as a child, and now he doesn't....") still in denial regarding their own past/current behaviors and ultimately, the reason for the estrangement, certainly doesn't bode for a promising future.
The best thing the parent can do is leave the adult child alone.
its all fun and games for parents to be abusive and neglectful, until the kids grow up and cut them off. cant wait to laugh in my fathers face when he tries to come to me for help in his old age
Then they complain to friends and family about how their children don't talk to them. They wonder why they aren't getting the same caring attitude that other children give their parents when they're older 😆.
Some of you really need to grow up. I will keep you all in my prayers
You're Dad is glad you're gone. Stay gone and let him live out his remaining years in peace. You estranged adult children don't realize, we eventually get back to being happy again and it's your turn to work and pay bills. Have fun lol.
@@cathyshepard4980 Take your book and shove it. Abuse victims don't want to hear your garbage. Many of our parents used religion as another guilt/abuse tool. (My apologies to abuse victims who have found solace in the Bible)
@@jamilgotcher5456 First off it's "Your Dad..." and second our parents made their distain for us known our entire lives and they probably do tell themselves they are glad we're gone until they realize they have alienated everyone and are alone at their most vulnerable. If your own kids end up staying away it's hard to keep other people around. Geriatric and alone sounds really fun! Have fun lol.
Thank you.. this is great advice. Unfortunately, parents can do all these things, as I have done, and still never have an opportunity to reconnect with their estranged child. It's been more than 2 years since my son became estranged from me. There's no formula to get our kids back, only accepting what is, and sending love and healing to them at every thought of them.
Be glad he doesn't just come around when he needs money. Some of these adult children are substance abusers and put their parents through hell and emotionally manipulate them just to get money out of them.
About 30 years ago I wrote to my step-mother telling her that she would invite me in, tell me all her problems and then be horrible to me and that we need to talk or I will stay away for a while. Rumour has it she was so upset my sister made her put the letter in the fire. Whether that is true or not my step-mother ignored my letter and sent me happy birthday and happy Christmas cards which made me feel guilty for not being a dutiful, friendly son. I kept the cards and kept my distance.
Years later I realised what I could have done is posted the cards back with a note saying, "I am returning this card as I do not want it. My letter said we need to talk, my offer is still open."
I never sent the second letter.
Eventually her cards stopped and 30 years after my letter she drank herself to death. I avoided the funeral as my story of her would not be welcome.
Now I estranged from my entire family.
Rough story brother. I feel you.
This is the most honest video that I've ever seen .
Exactly, most parents that lack proper parenting skills are going to dismiss it and say they did nothing to cause estrangement in the family system.
Gotta love defense mechanisms and denial + projection.
@@ethanschneider2422, exactly. These parents typically/almost always abandoned us in the first place. We were already estranged before. We wanted emotional connection, not just some superficial relationship that was solely based on physical presence. But they don't understand that. They can not own the responsibility, so they use shit excuses such as "nobody has a perfect childhood" or "everyone has wounds from the past" or some other foolish generalization, that only serves to deflect any responsibility. It is really disgusting... but well, denial can always keep you in the victim position, so you can avoid any responsibility.
@@rasmuslassen6273 I agree a 100% with what you said. It's frustrating, especially looking at the consequences that come along with the lack of getting needs met from the ones we love in early childhood.
I was going to say that I came across a youtube video the other day about inner family systems therapy. Pretty eye opening. Talks about how most parents are emotionally unavailable from the psychological wounds.
It's titled: The truth about being emotionally unavailable - Gerlach
All of this stuff is about shame and unmet needs. They have internalized shame that is too painful. People avoid pain & choose comfort/ignorance.
Very valuable content Daniel!
Could you do a video on repressed anger? Where it comes from and how to release it? It would be very helpful :)
Yes, this would be great.
You should do what my father did and have a child lol; jk. I think he already pointed it out in this video: the pent up anger is a reflection of your traumas as a child; you're angry they happened to you. Right down your childhood memories in detail and it will give you a clue im sure.
Agreed
Extreme physical exertion helps. Work out. Do garden or construction work. Learn Kick-boxing.
As An adult that broke away from my parents, this is very healthy sound advice. I was raised by a mother who was an MFT and grew up hearing nothing more than constant badgering over her multiple diagnoses of my problems. It was very abusive childhood and even into my adulthood. It was extremely painful to have the person who is supposed to be the expert in this matter become your tormentor
Ever heard of sheri McGregor? She is an estranged mom and she has like all these psychology degrees or something. Like the professional education was worth squat I guess!
Generational abuse is our family. My "older" sister was groomed by our dad to be mean+ nasty to everyone else in our family. She unfortunately learned her lesson well. I pray her adult kids can heal too.
I estranged myself away from my father, he had been missing from my life most of the time and even when he was there it felt like I was talking to a stranger.
He tries to contact me every year for my birthday... I usually say I am busy but I really am not... I feel like a fuck up, I am doing everything to be like my father, I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't sleep around with strangers like he does. He has 2 other kids who are my half-bloods, I have seen them but I don't feel related to them... I feel so empty and cold inside whenever I was around them. I know this is tough to hear but even if my father passed away I wouldn't be able to shed a tear because of the pure fact that I don't know who he is, all I remember is him taking me drinking in bars and pubs which didn't influence me in a good way. Idk I feel so fucked up, even though I am physically health I know something is missing from me... I know that I am not normal but I am happy in the moment and I know I will get better.
My estranged father passed away last week. My whole adult life he never reach out to me directly. He didn't raise me as a child and was very absent in my life. My half siblings basically disowned me as a family member and I feel like they're blaming me for not reconnecting with him in time. I told them I always felt like he never cared.... but I can guarantee you, if he had picked up the phone and called me to tell me he was sorry for the way things were in the past and he was ready to build a relationship.. that would have made all the difference in the world.
Same here with my mom. She's turning 80 this year and I fear she hasn't long to live. I don't know what to do about any of that.....did you go to his funeral?
The pain is real... I feel for you! @@billyb4790
Here's what I've realized about my parents: They have no problem providing material things. But when it comes to providing emotional support and understanding mental health, they have failed spectacularly at every turn and every opportunity.
They can continue providing material things, but they have no right on this god-forsaken planet to complain when I talk to other people about my problems.
Why are you assuming that if you are estranged from your children, that you did harm to your children?
RobertMOdell that’s mostly the case.
@@kaydenchan7093 No, not even close.
RobertMOdell you might be unaware of it.
@@RustyShakleford1 The number one reason by far is parental alienation following a divorce. Demonizing the targeted parent through brainwashing of a child. This is being done to literally millions of children around the country with the family courts cheering it on. Until we remove the financial and political incentives that drive this, the epidemic will continue and possibly even grow worse.
RobertMOdell divorce is never the child’s fault though...
One of your best videos (in my opinion). I have been estranged from my mother. She is a profoundly sick person. My father was dysfunctional as well, but did his best and never abandoned or gave up on me. I stuck by him until the end. I think that contrast speaks volumes for those that want to say that I have no loyalty.. it's true. I have no loyalty to those that don't deserve it.
Say this outloud...
I can not control the actions of other people. I can only control myself.
Daniel, the parents that came to you with these questions obviously had some self awareness.
How about the other group of parents that don't have self awareness and are in denial ( narcissists) about the way they treated their children and say that their estranged children are not caring and selfish because they don't visit their parents more often?
The reason is the narcissistic dad brainwashed the adult kids and then they decided they hate the mom because they are also narcissists.
I watch this because i care immensely. We are not perfect but love our 4 kids and have always had a great time with them until last year. Our daughter confronted us with lots of accusations. We have admitted to many of the things my daughter said we did wrong. We asked for forgiveness and i am trying to change what actions have hurt her on my part. We had marriage problems during some crucial years and it definitely affected our kids. But she believes my husband had molested her when she was in preschool. Because she really believes this, i understand the estrangement. We cannot agree that he did what she thinks he did. She was a great child and a great adult. She is respectful as she can be. She is a mess - she had experienced trauma several times - a rape, a divorce and the death of a child. She went into therapy and came up with these ideas. She did not want to break away from us. She is in pain. I, at first listened and thought for quite some time and then decided there is just no evidence that what she discovered in a dream. This has us estranged of course. She is trying to find peace and healing in estrangement. We are not angry with her. We just cannot accept what is not true. There was no evidence in her childhood, in her writings, in her drawings or in her play. I cared for and taught many children who were molested and very disturbed. I was very involved and aware. I disagree that people side with the parents. I think that a lot of people wonder right away if our parenting was suspect and flawed and the shame of the possibilities sits heavily. Those who have seen our parenting know us and know how we parented. They are with us. We don’t share easily but we are convinced that there are other parents out there who are innocent of what they are being accused of. Incest is a horrible shameful and destructive crime against the most innocent. We don’t condone it. I’m very fearful that even here people here will also judge that we are terribly flawed and probably feel that i am covering or in denial. Parents aren’t always the bad guys. Some of us just do regular flawed parenting and need to admit it - own it and try to do better.
Been there tried it all still here now. Nothing you can do but hope and wish the very best for them. That’s it.
I broke from my 4 boys because it was the best thing for them...we had a violent man who lived with us...what the boys don't know is what he did to me...put a gun to my head...not go for help when I was losing a baby...so much more...but I realized how much control he has on them to this day and this is something I cannot change...that man was able to make my boys turn from me and they believe everything he tells them so for them...and for my mental health, I have to think I don't have any children and grandchildren...let the dice fall where they should....
What happens when your adult child turns narcissistic herself. I believe in owning and apologizing to your adult child. And yes take feedback and change. Humility is a blessing for everyone. However they have to work on themselves too. They can be very blind to the the good their parents have done and the sacrifices made on their behalf. In the meantime parents need to move on. I’m here if she needs me but I’ve learned not to allow my adult children to abuse me. We all need boundaries. Distance emotionally and physically is just the new norm. I now spend my money on myself it’s great. I give my adult daughter 100% her freedom to do and be whatever she wants, I’m finally focusing on my happiness and mental health. Let your adult kids go…..👍❤️
You can do lots of good things as a parent but that doesn't give you a pass on abuse. You sound like a typical abuser.
typical response. you didn't sacrifice anything, that's toxic wording. You chose to have a child you then provided for. Now you except to be martyred for it, and all of your other behaviors ignored?
My parents don’t even care enough to try. Last time I tried to connect with my dad over tv shows, he said that my interests were “garbage” and he doesn’t want to hear it