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This makes a lot of sense. My husband doesn't talk to his mother and it is a mix of everything you said here. His mom is not willing to have any conversation. She just yells.
Really .. are you absolutely positive YOU AS A XHILD HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOXICITY IN YOUR FAMILY OR HOW YOU TREATED YOUR PARENTS OR BEEN FOOLISH ENOUGH TO CHOOSE THE ADVICE OF A NEW PARTNER OR BF OR GF THAT YOU WERE QUICK TO OUT ABOVE YOUR OWN PARENTS??
I don’t think estrangement is new at all; we’re just being a lot more honest about it. My uncles might have had “a hard time”, but I am naming and claiming.
I agree. I remember seeing people achieve some degree of estrangement in the 1960s, 70s, and 80s by joining the military, becoming a nun, joining a commune, marrying early and moving away, moving far away in particular overseas, or always "too busy" with work, family, other activities. In the past there wasn't the frequent communication that people expect now--long distance phone charges were high, not everyone will write a letter, airfare was more expensive. People have been going no contact or low contact for a long time, they just didn't announce it.
@@karenhamrick9210 There’s another very important puzzle piece - the abused are no longer isolated. We have this amazing opportunity to talk to and help one another.
So glad you are having this conversation beyond narcissist parents. Many of us have become estranged from parents who were not narcissists, they were just evil!
In my opinion, if your parents were evil, you wouldn't have survived this far. Don't you think they were mentally unwell? Or perhaps they were emotionally weak and couldn't cope with you. Mental illness and even personality weaknesses can come across as evil. Have you considered that?
I'm the adult daughter who wants to gather the courage to cut off my narc mom. It's exhausting dealing with her and her need to want me to apologize to her for no reason whatsoever. She's currently giving me silent treatment because I refused to apologize. I'm just so mentally exhausted...
@karina9001 - Before total communication breakdown, I would honestly talk to her before total estrangement. Remind her that no relationship is possible Without Mutual Love, respect, communication, unforgiveness from both parties. It can't be you versus your mom and vice versa. It's got to be you and your mom against the challenges that are breaking apart your relationship. She can't do it without you and you can't do it without her doing your part. There's more to say but that's probably the most simplest way to start.
@ I wish I could get thru to her. Literally three days ago, she made a very rude comment on my body, about me gaining a few pounds (mind you, I have severe depression, not that she cares). Anyways, she basically made me feel so ugly about myself. And we ended up having a argument because I’m not going to allow her to put me down emotionally. She treats me like I don’t have a heart or any feelings. Anyways it’s been 3 days of silence. We live in the same house but we haven’t spoken a single word to each other. I refuse to speak to her until I get an apology, which knowing her, won’t happen because she’s too good to apologize to me. At this point in my life, I rather not speak to her ever again. It’s honestly more peaceful that way.
@kelleyturner6584 - it's too bad because everybody has problems with their parents at one point or another. I chose to work out my problems with my parents and I'm so glad I did. Nobody nothing will ever love like family. You'll never have a friend that will love you and be there for you like family. You might have more fun with friends then you do family but don't get the two mixed up. I guess I was lucky but I had to do my part as well.
@@powercourageandwisdom I wish I could say the same but my own mother has the emotional maturity of a 5yr old. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because she didn’t like when I stood up for myself when she was making rude, inappropriate remarks about my body and weight. She takes zero personal accountability that she has hurt my feelings numerous times in the past. She is also so stubborn that she didn’t even wish me on my birthday this past weekend. Just because some ppl can reproduce, it doesn’t mean that they will make decent parents. My boyfriend’s parents treat me with more love and respect than I ever got from my own bio parents.
I am estranged from my oldest daughter because I divorced her dad, who was abusive to me. My daughter was extremely angry with my decision to leave because I had to sell our primary home and move. I ultimately had to ask her to leave my home. We are not able to talk or come to any agreement so I have stopped trying. Adult children can be very selfish and entitled which will wear out the parent that attempts to have a healthy relationship.
@Violet_Lotus_ Unfortunately, I had to request that she leave. I attempted counseling with her, she refused. I offered to pay and have her go separately, she refused. You love your children, but you have to continue to love you.
Don't blame the child, blame yourself and your husband for creating a toxic family home environment and divorcing which most likely caused her psychological trauma and distress. Parents are selfish and do not think of the psychological harm. If there was abuse throughout her childhood, she must have been greatly affected. As a mother, you probably did not try to provide emotional support and tried to seek help in a healthy manner to avoid further damage. I know this because I lived in a similar situation. I tried to empathize with my mother, but I also realize that she was the cause of many arguments that led to emotional and physical abuse. They are both narcissists and I still go through their narcissistic mental abuse as an adult in my 30s. They never separated, but I realize that they love the chaos and emotional and verbal abuse. I was trained and programmed to normalize this and it is probably why I became sick and wasted my 20s in depression and stress. Adult children are not selfish, it is the parents' fault. You were dysfunctional and you caused damage to your child at a young age. Her behavior as an adult is not healthy because it is a symptom of unresolved psychological trauma and conflict. Estrangement is revenge for parents to look inward and seek reconciliation.
@@Violet_Lotus_ She sounds like a typical narcissistic parent. I know this because I have experience with this. They use family therapy to blame it on the child or adult child so that he or she can begin believing the lie of being crazy or the reason for family problems. It is the typical gaslighting and false memories that narcissistic parents play to make you believe that you are crazy, mentally ill, and the cause of the emotional and mental issues in the family. If the therapist does not pick this up, he is just working for his paycheck and will cntinue to use this gaslighting to profit. Some therapists are good and empathetic enough to recognize narcissistic abuse from those who seek family counseling and would rather work for the benefit of the adult child rather than to play the parents' narrative.
@@jacqueslee2592 Actually, YOU sound like the Narcissist. Imagine coming into a comment section, and attacking and diagnosing someone who you don't know at all. She did not "use" therapy for anything, because the daughter refused to go. She clearly reached out many times, and did what you are supposed to do to reconcile, and was met with rejection. I don't know you, but your comment makes you sound like you ARE how you were described. You need to grow up sweetheart. And stop blaming others. What YOU did here is inexcusable. This poor lady expressed real hurt, and YOU attacked her with made up garbage. Shame on YOU.
What if none of those fit my narrative. My son was overindulged! I will not be accepting of my ADULT child to fabricated stories, and I will not accept anyone, including my son, refusing to take responsibility for himself and actions speak louder than words. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
Remember: if your parent sounds like these comments we see here, they are telling you they care more about being "right" (or even the victim in some cases) than fixing their relationship with you. These people are sadly lost causes, and this is the kind of parent you cut off. 🙏
@Emily-g3n5q This is a lot of words just to say, "I never actually loved my children and am now infuriated that they will not tolerate my abuse". What is your goal here exactly, to garner sympathy or to make yourself look worse? Because I can tell you exactly which one you're succeeding at.
Behaviors of unhealthy parents are consistent, frequent, and problematic. Adults can choose to end relationships that don't meet their needs, disrespect boundaries and are unhealthy because they lack mutuality, reciprocity and equality. As adults we understand when a parent is unwilling and/or unable to change their behaviors and we are not obligated to continue to forgo our own needs, wants and desires. And we certainly know when love is conditional.
Unconditional love works both ways, don't you think? If your parents aren't mature enough, and you think your better, aren't you supposed to know how to deal with the sitatuion without having to cut them off (which is, in my opinion, the most selfish thing on earth?)
This was fantastic. Thank you for this list. It’s a good list to work on relationship skills to keep communication healthy and open for parents like me, too, who still have full contact with my adult kids and don’t want that to change. I want to stay open to them always, but having come from a different background than that I am without healthy examples of how to keep things open and healthy without disagreements shutting things down. There might be parents watching this who refuse to see things from their child’s perspective with an open and empathetic heart, and that’s really very sad. Our kids never stop needing parents, and as people none of us stop growing so why should our relationships never need maintenance? A growth mindset is crucial when you have kids.
I totally agree with everything you say. One thing There is a lot of “ you make them feel “ in this. I get that but it’s about them also becoming adults the relationship will need to heal. No one can make someone feel anything. It’s always about accountability. In saying this of course they feel this way because they weren’t always an adult when these injuries to their soul happened. But mutual accountability needs to be the goal. For instance I am working on myself at taking accountability for my role as a parent. I am introspective and willing to soul search and listen. But I’m not willing to be abused by my son because he ‘ feels ‘ like I’m doing something to him. A lot of things he feels are how he felt as a child. I can only acknowledge my actions that led to this and show him not only remorse but make the changes where I can. Not only for him but for my own growth. But if he’s not ready yet to move beyond the blame game and dumping his feelings on me like I’m the skapegoat for all his inner turmoil there’s not much I can do for now but also take a wide berth . My mental health is also important to me. I still have a future and a life to live. So maybe the estrangement is something we both may need for now albeit incredibly painful. ❤
It's awful when your parents are highly insecure people, who treat everything in the family like a power game. They treat their family this way, because they're cowards who can't play the same games outside the house. I have always enjoyed working. Because at work, most people are acting like a team, in pursuit of a common goal. At home, it was nothing but tearing each other down, delighting in their child's failures, and minimizing their successes. My choice is not between living a fun life, and fulfilling obligations to my parents - it's between life and death. If I fully bought into my family's narrative, I'd be dead. My Uncle was the only other person with the same role, and they drive him to suicide - continuing to shit on him after death, for not doing well in a job interview, and being so weak that "he just couldn't forget his childhood." For a long time, I thought that if I killed myself, my family might see what they're doing, but they never will. If I didn't get this unfortunate lesson, I'd be dead by now. No one in any family deserves to die, so their parents can feel okay about themselves. I can't believe this is a controversial opinion. How many people can say that they were surprised, by how relaxing and heartwarming it is to have a job, and experience natural consequences of our actions. If every family operates this way, then everyone should experience similar surprise.
Yes, I agree in part but this is usually seen from the perspective of the child. What happens if the (adult) child abuses and disrespects the parent. I think this happens more often than society is prepared to admit.
@AdrianRif Thank you for even attempting to see it from the discarded and devastated parents’ point of view. There is an obvious shame attached, because it MUST BE, the parents fault, right? I have posted a couple of msgs, obviously written by a parent in pain … and am shocked at the disrespectful, no home training, ugliness that is tended to in the gardens of some peoples hateful hearts. (@NovaMeteora). So your kindness, however big or small, is much appreciated, thank you. 🫶🏽❤️
@AdrianRif It does not happen nearly as much as the opposite. The majority of these people claiming victim because of their adult children are throwing temper tantrums that those adult children are enforcing boundaries for the first time in their lives.
If you're the parent, don't worry about what society thinks. When you're by yourself living the hell that your adult off spring has created for you, society is not crossing it with you. Do what's best for you.
@@NovaMeteora Care to provide real evidence for your claim? Care to explain why there is protective services in EVERY state and much of what they do is about children abusing their parents? I don't have kids, but what I see in all the chats is children being abusive to their parents, and not the other way around, and then the adult children cry victim. I bet you get your views from those chats too.
After listening to most of this video, it seems that the Dr. is automatically taking a default position that assumes it is the parents' fault most of the time, rather than the adult child. Think I'll look for "another opinion".
You make out that the adult child has the equivalent of an adult tantrum. As the parent of adult children, I acknowledge that I am a student of life from another era that I cannot change. Its like being the slowest student in the class. I will never catch up with my children. A little understanding on their part would go a long way. Our adult children will suffer the same issues with their own children in the future. We wont be around to see how they handle the sadness.
@Kjf2691 justification is usually not applicable here. Everyone should be free to decide who they interact with or not. there are emotional family ties, which usually says quite a lot about the state of the relationship if a kid estranges. And if someone really feels, they dont have a good relationship with a parent and they move away, thats their decision and theirs alone. they need to justify it for themselves and nobody else. not the parent, not the family and not some friends or even strangers.
Ive done that as a child for thw reason number 4. My mum projects her insecurities on me and she didnt respect my privacy and boundaries. Now when im pregnant its useful to know what the reasons may be to try and avoid mistakes
I tried to avoid my parents' mistakes (even though I didn't cut them off deliberately). It didn't work. Estrangement is a curse in some families. One has to learn how to deal with it.
My mom always demanded respect from me but never respected me as a person. As a child I was to be seen and not heard, that is very damaging, children are people and deserve to be respected as much as anyone else. And as an adult she still treats me like my thoughts, feelings and effort have no value if they differ from hers. No respect at all.
@@fransinclair3356 when I was a kid I did what I was told, I didn't talk back. I wasn't perfect, but when I did act out I took my punishment. I think that I was mostly respectful. Now, Im 44 yrs old and absolutely have no respect left for her. I don't treat her bad, I don't treat her any way because we have no relationship.
@@fransinclair3356take notes, class, what Fran is doing here is called "victim blaming" by insinuating that Kristy was disrespectful first and therefore somehow "earned" the neglect. Don't be like Fran. Use your brain!
I wish my parents could have the kind of introspection this video insists upon. My father was incredibly toxic and would repeatedly insult my mother, when she was the person who solely raised me. I tried to raise boundaries and asked that he not say those things around me, and he then decided that I was the one who should be targeted. I haven't blocked my father entirely from contact, but I cannot be around him unless he can engage with some amount of introspection about how being raised in that environment hurt me. At the same time, my mom insists that I need to completely forgive him, despite me repeatedly explaining that I can't forgive him and move on unless he's willing to engage with self reflection. At the same time, she's repeatedly shoo'ed off insulting comments made by my family, and will not speak to me without yelling over almost everything I say. While I love her, it's incredibly hard to feel wanted and cared for by her and I'm worried I might need to set that boundary with another parent. Parents can often times have trouble shutting off the part of their brain that identifies you as a child and not as an adult, who deserves to be taken seriously as an adult. While it may be their best intention, they can often look at any conversations and growth discussions, not as one adult talking to another adult, but as a child not knowing how the world works. It's incredibly frustrating as someone who wants to have full contact with all of my family, to be looked at as less than and to have your parent back that thought. I would love to be a more active part in my family, but the reality is that if I'm going to be insulted and not feel like I have any kind of back up, then I really don't want that kind of toxicity in my life. It's an incredibly sad decision to have to make almost any time it happens.
You seem to be a very decent individual. You understand people on a deeper level. When your mother talks to you about unconditional forgiveness, you could show her what the Bible says about that. Matthew 18:15-20. “Moreover if your brother (meaning brother in faith) sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. 18 “Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."
I would like to clear things up for estranged adults.. as parents we move on.. we grieve, we reflect, we live in hope and eventually we just move on.. it's the healthiest thing for everyone.. so to all the parents out there.. live your best life.. you deserve it ❤
@@tesseract2365 if the parents actually did their job in the first place and raised their kids right and were proper role models they wouldn’t have turned to social media for guidance, you ever think of that?
People grow up knowing the world is awful, disgusting, and painful. But yet they have kids anyways! ...AND they wonder why their kids estrange them as a result.
I guess because every one of us (parents) thought (arrogantly) they could be perfect parents. Perfect by the standard of their days, the period of time they grew up in, the old system and its norms. Then, you suddenly realise that perfection dwells in perception only. By then, it's too late.
I would love to have a healthy relationship with my parent. But I can’t remember the last time he called to ask me how I was doing, or even reciprocated a relationship.
@@lilyofthevalley7413 Adult children or not my point doesnt change. You are just willing to back off if they say. Pretty sad. A true good parent would simply not allow that to ever happen. You are still the parent if they are 20 or 70
@@estadea22 how do you not “allow” that to happen? You cannot control another adult if that’s what they choose. How would you not allow it as a parent?
I don't think that's true. Good parents have it for their kids. I don't think kids, adult or otherwise, have unconditional love for their parents though. The parents need to earn it, and keep earning it.
JohnnyRugged06...so parents need to love their children unconditionally but they have to earn it with their children? So you can treat your parents like garbage with no accountability? Yet, if they upset you they are cut off? I pray you don't have children.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! My impression is that it's become more of a topic of wide public awareness and discussion these days. Also, estrangement is different from cutting the metaphorical umbilical cord, which is a topic I feel has more of a longstanding tradition...
What if it’s the other way around. All the items you have mentioned is what I experience as the mother in the equation. Especially that lack of empathy and unwillingness to to but balen me. This is also a real reality for parents
Yes. One of my daughters is a bully and is jealous of the younger sibling. She blames me for everything. I just let her say whatever she wants, and I walk around with it on my heart.
My son cut ties with his entire family (myself and his brothers) No explanation, no response to any messages. We have no idea what has happened. Even if he has an issue with me, he absolutely ADORED his oldest brother but he even cut him off. We are absolutely clueless.
If you don’t know why you’ve been estranged, then that is a huge part of the problem. You are saying that you’re not tuned in to your child, and that you’re not close. My mother claims she doesn’t know but: I’ve begged for her to treat me kindly my whole life, she never lets me finish a sentence, she “corrects” me constantly - of course she doesn’t know!! Ironic.
As the eldest child in the house, they had expectations of me. However, I struggled to find a proper job in my early 20s, which, in some way, hurt their expectations. After finishing college, I moved back in with my parents and sister. Over time, I began to feel like an outsider in the house. I couldn’t explain how I felt, but as the time passed, it became stronger. My stepdad started to get in the way, insisting that I follow his lead, but I was sure that wasn’t what I wanted. Then, he began to emotionally manipulate me, saying things like, “We raised you, gave you food, provided a roof over your head, and a comfortable bed,” even though I had to sleep on the couch for two years because there wasn’t enough room for my brother and me before. After that day, for my own mental well-being, I stopped engaging in conversations with him, stopped doing whatever he told me, and started preparing myself to leave the house. What I’m saying is, after being hurt repeatedly, giving trust, and offering second chances, I’ve finally accepted the fact that he will never change.
I have 2 siblings and we all refuse to speak to my father due to him being an inherently bad abusive person. He blames my mom for “turning us against him” I kind of want to see things from his perspective but we have given him hundreds of second chances and he still reverts to the same old abuse when we see him/forced to see him in certain events.
I stopped talking to my mother last year, and my father 5 years ago. He died yesterday from a heart attack. I’m wasn’t a happy person before yesterday and my head is spinning today.
There is no situation where an adult child wants to stop talking to their parents. When they do it is because the parents' actions have finally crossed a line and they simply cannot put up with the parents'behavior anymore
@@NovaMeteora I see you as the failure. Nothing in the comment pointed to the parent being the failure, yet you went there and attacked this person. Yep, you are very typical, and history will not paint your generation in a good light. You fail as a compassionate human. So props to you for that.
Parents who want their children to be someone or something they are not can be imposing harm. in my case, our problems began with the death of my third child. First it was pronounced an accidental death, then there was a murder investigation that had my ex-wife , his mother, as a person of interest in his murder. After that my second oldest, my daughter, went from being friendly and thinking I was the best parent in the world to have bouts of white noise(her own admission) in her head. Then she accused me of trying to poison her with oils in her meals. Then she left our whole house, including her siblings and went with friends/lovers that now have abandoned her. I'm heart broken and hurt because she won't talk to anyone nor do I know where she lives. I can only read her twitter and social media. I hope she has great life and learns that we all love her. Nonetheless , it is her life to live whether she wants us or me in it. I want only what's best for her, if that means she never talks to me again then Peace 2 her .
The reason being is that we realize as adults that our parents were sick, not good parents, and narcissists. It will just get worse as an adult because they no longer see you as their child. When you are 16 to 18, this is when your parents do not really see you as their child. If your parents are narcissists, the abuse is just going to get worse. It is always better to quietly become independent from them before they make you sick and stunt your development as an adult. If you were able to estrange earlier to save your health and sanity, you made a good decision for yourself. Narcissistic parents will never regret or realize their wrongdoing.
Wow, just wow. There is so much hate and selfishness in this world. From both parents and children. Surely there is a better way for some of these relationships. Blame is thrown around like a ping pong ball. How very sad for everyone.
Do not fall for this kind of guilt-tripping we see demonstrated in this comment. They will claim to meet you in the middle, and then take a step back every time you step forward.
Same with my dad. Im 36 and married, dog, white fence and house, all the above. The fact is, he doesn’t like me. Not really. There’s a palpable tension whenever I’m around, an unspoken agreement to sidestep anything resembling warmth. I’ll show up at family events-rarely, to be honest-only to feel that familiar, suffocating weight of judgment. It’s as if he has a script, one that he recites for my wife, turning his back on me while he makes jokes about my failures, the kind of barbs meant to pierce rather than amuse. “Look at him,” he’ll say, chuckling, “what a mess.” And the conversations? They’re an exercise in endurance. I can count on one hand the times we’ve talked meaningfully, and those moments inevitably devolve into lectures on the few topics he deems worthy: why I’m inferior, why my interests are frivolous. I’ve listened to him dissect my choices, all delivered with that feigned air of wisdom-like he’s doing me a favor. I don’t know why I even bother showing up anymore. There’s a deep frustration in that dance, a resigned acceptance of a relationship forever stuck in the shallow end. It’s exhausting, this act of trying to connect with someone who only sees you as an extension of their own shortcomings. I wonder if he even realizes how little he knows me, or if that even matters to him.
Tell me that how can a therapist say that that should be the best choice to go no contact when they’ve never even met anybody in the family. That leaves the distorted perception in the clients mind without having the balance of reality there’s always two sides to a story in the middle is usually where it’s at.
@Art_lover_4f4 there are low life types who think women owe men a relationship because they're friendly and employed. Parents saying their adult children owe them a relationship because they're their parents is the same thing
My daughter and I are estranged at this time for a few of the reasons listed here. I take responsibility for the part I had to play in it, but the majority has to do with her mother. I can't control what is said about me since I'm not around. It's been 2 plus years since I've heard from her but I can see she's doing well. I've focused on myself and my wife because I see no sense in having all the joy sucked out of however much time God allows me to be around. Time will tell what happens, but I write positive messages to her from time-to-time, telling her how I've been and that I'll be there for her. Thats all I can do for now.
I was a very good mother before my son and daughter got married,and i was in job, but now after my retirement i am wrong always whenever i try speak anything,,i have started keeping quite..i am so confused,now deciding to live alone. I helped them make a decent career,,gave them all my money as a single parent.
Currently everybody is a victim. There is no respect to the parents anymore. I watch this happening to my young kids. I wouldn’t have kids if I was starting my life now. It’s like be looking for trouble.
I disagree with most of this. Children have a duty to be there for their parents, just as parents have a duty to be there for the children. It's all of this selfish insistence on one's own happiness at the expense of all else that is responsible for the breakdown of the family. Sometimes we all must make some sacrifices in life for the better good. Of course, there are times when it might be necessary to break away. Such as in cases of sexual abuse. But to break off ties over just differing opinions on life or politics is not healthy. Generations view things differently. It's always been like that. Deal with it. Don't be so quick to discard your parents, there's a good chance you might need them someday. Also, keep in mind that this stuff is how therapists make their living. Family discord is their bread and butter, so they have a financial incentive to keep it going.
It usually starts with parental alienation from a childs early age. Where the good time parent wants to be friends with their kids rather than a parent. The kids gravitate to that parent because they're getting what they want, not what they need. The other parent becomes ostracized, disrespected and ridiculed while the good time parent has an unhealthy codependent relationship with their now adult children. It's the good cop bad cop scenario.
How about when a child cuts off a parent because they (the child) has addiction, psychological, behavioural issues which have caused them to create an internal narrative in which the parent is the 'baddie'? This, to the child, then justifies their discontinuation of contact. Child may be feeling too guilty about past actions, or may simply be unwilling to face up to their own poor choices with a view to change. It may be easier for them to blame a parent and simply avoid contact if the parent sets boundaries, than to deal with uncomfortable realities that confront them with the need to make changes.
Kids say no to drugs and alcohol. Don't cheat while in relationships,try your hardest not to divorce if you have kids. Trama is passed down from each failing generation. These two adictions alone are why so many children don't talk to a parent into adulthood. Making wise choices today and in the future. Will build a much more healthy society. Filled with love and not greed. 🙏 godbless everyone and stay safe.
Cutting ties with parents shows a lack of long term vision and love. I'm not talking about real abuse here. I know parents who are not abusive or overbearing and love their kids. In fact, these parents honestly are shook. I believe there are a lot of terrible trends out there.
@@bafelix89 It's a wonder that most parents don't kick their children out on their 18th birthday and ghost them because of all the anxiety they caused.
My husband cut off his parents- specifically bc his mother physically attacked me because he divorced his ex (the mother of the grandchildren) To this day his parents blame Me as the one preventing their adult son from speaking to them. He chose to reject them to protect me, his wife and his adult personal life and health.
Physical attack is never acceptable. That would also be an acceptable reason for cutting off contact. The vast majority here do not have stories like yours though.
@ I know. Thank you. I have searched the internet to try and find others who have experienced something similar but haven’t found anything. Maybe old Jerry Springer episodes
My husband’s mother blames me for her estrangement from her son saying that there was never a problem with them and their relationship before I came into the picture made him leave his ex-wife break up their family and ruin hers. I’m sorry but last I looked a grown man who is married is an adult and she wasn’t in the marriage. He has changed a lot since we’ve been together, but it’s been for the positive and he has no regrets of cutting her out out of his life. She continues to send Christmas chocolates from Amazon every year and birthday cards and occasionally will call and leave guilt trip messages like “your dad and I are getting old. We miss you would sure be nice to hear from you even if you want to yell at me “. She claims that every letter he has written via email has been done so by me and that she never knows who’s really talking him or me to her. She’s a very jealous person, but I don’t see the love. I see resentment, jealousy and insecurity as well as serious anger, and rage.
Did she cut you off in your teen years cus "you were a horrendous teen"? Grow up and stop blaming ONLY YOUR MOM! Pretty sure you have something to do with the mess. Why? Cus you're human and relationships take TWO and lots of work. Get counseling and get your own head om straight.
Dude, take your man pill. She gave you life, wiped your ass for the first 3 or 4 years of your life, took care of you when you were sick, and had to deal with your bulshit as you grew up. Respect and honor your parents. You're living proof that they used to be happy and enjoyed their lives like you're trying to do. They probably are more grouchy after paying for you and the bills that you come with you your whole life only for you to show disrespect and entitlement.
@@ravenclaw783- seriously ?? Be glad your mother took responsibility and didn't abort you. You didn't ask to be born?? How ungrateful, you self-entitled little brat. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
@@powercourageandwisdom so she did a fraction of the bare minimum required of a parent..better get her a participation trophy! Awwwww the poor wittle baby boomers!!! 😂😆😂
My Narcissist mom’s family tree were the s!ave owners of the Old South. Before the Civil War they experienced the going NC practice every time any of their s!aves ran away from them. Post Civil War, it was every generation of siblings going NC from each other because they turned the abuse patterns they used to inflict upon their s!aves inwards on to their own kin.
For me my problem is not with my parents but my father's family members they have they eyes on me too much, and are always sticking their noses into my business and what makes me frustrated about this is that my father is the one allowing them to do this so they don't respect my father and Mother,they don't treat me with the respect i think i deserve and they see me as a house help that's all they see me as nothing else and every time I try to distance myself from them they keep forcing themselves on me and my father allows them and that's why I have made up my mind is to cut contacts from my father's family because I just don't like them at all.
When I successfully graduate from the university by the most high's grace, get a job and get out of my parents house and start a new life because I'm tired of being tossed around like a tool.
What about the parent who feels neglected because the child is being disrespectful not allowing for their boundaries and thinking that they own the house
It's still your fault apparently. Read the chats and they are all the same. Parents don't understand why their offspring cut them off. In the chats with the offspring, they attack any parent who says they don't understand. They all sound very entitled and lacking in empathy. Some were even blaming the parents for the abuse the PARENTS suffered by their parents, and how they were supposed to somehow be perfect parents even thought they had horrible role models. NO ONE is taught parenting. What do you want to bet that they will cut off their own kids too.
My child needs to earn my trust. This is such a one-sided brainwashed conversation. My child is a spoiled brat narcissist who is treated with the utmost respect and never faithful in anyway.
3 years plus my daughter abandone me... didn't treat me respect as her mother.. since she leaves me I got depression... so hard... no energy.. no desire to leave... I'm in pain.. I can't accept what she is doing to me....so brutal...so cruel... its not easy to forget and forgive. She ruin my life, my heath... my plans.. my dreams.... plus she didn't feel guilty at all. I beg her to come back to me, I miss her like crazy.. but she ignored... No respect, no mercy, no responsibility.... like I'm nobody to her.. I'm sick..deep pain..
This comment is what we call "guilt tripping". It's a particularly lazy example, but notable nonetheless. It goes to show what crazy drivel they will say before ever admitting fault.
I’m, let’s see, #3, #4, #5 kinda - I probably am more willing to accept duty to others than most but I also have a duty to myself which has been…shirked and that has brought about…very unpleasant consequences. Continuing on, #6, not #7 so much a reason but occasionally it does happen which isn’t good, #8 isn’t really a reason but those kinds of issues aren’t entirely absent either even though my expectations here are quite low & have already been met - it’s less about the past & more about falling back into unhealthy patterns.
Thank you Dr. Maika..... And i'll just keep giving them the space they wanted, probably not proud of me, though I just miss them, and hoping to have some humble conversations , chill type, feel-good talk between us. I will keep praying to our Dear Lord Jesus and discernment from the Holy Spirit, so that i'd stay quiet and not reactive. I also miss my granddaughter, she doesn't come here anymore even video calls and messaging has stopped, though we're very close, simply made her feel at home when she's here.... I will keep praying for the right attitude on this, keep looking for a virtual job, like before, so I could still be productive and self-reliant. Maybe when they see me progressing with a job, they'll all come to visit me and their brother , who is 36 yr old autistic one, thank god my autistic son is verbal ,though with tantrums at times, is still kind and sweet in his own way..I'll keep praying to Dear God, learn to let go and let God. God cares more than I know. Thank you Dr. Maika.
They could be narcissistic too as narcissists cut off people with no remorse as they are ready to move on to make makes them feel good. It isn’t all about abuse. I know your generation are obsessed with abuse and think it is abuse even when it isn’t. The me too movement has gone too far
A lot of times it's also their surroundings. sometimes their friends steer them straight to unhappiness because they're so called friends are not happy with themselves.
@@MrSpaz27 and let’s not forget how you boomers made it a trend to throw your own parents into nursing homes. Sorry what were you saying about forming your own cycle? LOL! What ye sow ye shall reap. And now it is reaping season for the boomers 🍿😂👍
For all you adult estranged children; Do you realize we as parents, are the first generation where it took both parents to work to make a living? We have had to figure out how to manage our life styles while working outside the home. That in itself was a challenge. So if you think that we were not "perfect " enough while you were growing up you should give your parents some slack. One day don't be surprised if your children will learn to treat you the same way that you are modeling for them.
No because my parents were a single income couple and had plenty of opportunities to beat me near to death multiple times a month, pay fancy lawyers every time CPS dragged them to court, take out all their aggression on me, blame me for things literally out of my control to the point I literally believed it was my fault... I initially left because I genuinely thought everything was my fault and they'd be better off without me. It wasn't until I did that that I met people who would be horrified when I nonchalantly talked about my childhood and made me realize that shit wasn't normal and was fucked up. Thanks to things like the Facebook algorithm and them making new account on every social media platform and having stuff like podcasts and being influencers now I still hear what they say. They say that it's my selfishness and entitlement why I left, that I never appreciated what they did for me, that I care only about myself, that I blame them for things that never happened or that were out of their control. But I have plenty of physical scars, court records, medical issues, etc to prove otherwise. In the case of family estrangement, it's almost always a case where one side lets emotions dictate their reality and the other uses reality and the evidence thereof dictate their emotions. Which side are you?
In my case, its that my parents refused to take accountability for anything. I followed their advice and encountered failure after failure only to be met with a ‘you didnt try hard enough’ , instead of a ‘sorry my advice sucks.’ I got tired of it, put up with it until I was 30 and left and started my own life. TBH I shouldve done it at 18 but I was giving them the benefit of the doubt.
My situation was different. My dad was always too busy with his career and was emotionally unavailable. My mom never wanted a daughter to begin with, she only wanted a son. You can imagine her reaction when I was born, she was not pleased. She rarely showed me love/affection during my childhood. My younger brother is her favorite child. I'm 36yrs old now. She doesn't even acknowledge the abuse that was inflicted on me, nor has she ever apologized to me for how she treated me. I actually chose to never have kids because I don't want to continue the generational trauma.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to call it an “epidemic” bc that suggests this is a bad thing. It’s not. The sooner people accept that there is nothing special about parents, the easier it will be to understand where the rest of us are coming from. Parents are just people who laid up and made a baby. That’s literally it. Nothing special, intelligent, unique, etc. They just procreated -- like 99.9% of mammals on planet earth. So, there is nothing they are entitled to bc of it. And those of us in Western societies have avenues that allow us to live completely independently from our parents. Basically, All you have to do is get a good enough paying job to take care of yourself and replace your social network with spouse, friends, etc. and you can pretty much have your own separate life. We are way past the mark of operating on this b.s. cultural demand of “duty”. No one owes anyone anything and you are not entitled to have a relationship with someone, including your children. If people expect love, compassion, and bonds, they should actually be likeable people and exemplify the kind of character that warrants that regard. You aren’t going to just get things out of life and from people just bc you exist, wtf
Leaving to Iraq no visits, didn't say anything, 15 months in Iraq no letters didn't say anything, 12 months learning how to walk again, no hospital visits, didn't say anything... I finally have a family of my own, I dress my 2 year old as a dinosaur for Halloween now I love the devil....that was my breaking point... I hope everyone finds their own peace.
With regards to the title's question, its very likely because their parents did something bad. Unfortunately, even human rights violations against children are extremely common in even the safest of countries! Shit like that is why I barely trust parents compared to children.
Name ONE perfect parent who has not "don't something bad". You do realize that those people you disparage were children, right? So according to you, the instant you become an adult, you are the one in the wrong. That applies to you too. You didn't think of that, did you?
relationships work two ways - not one way. If the child can't step up to the table as an adult and take responsibiltiy for themselves then there is not relationship and it's better for both parties that a seperation takes place. That the children just leave over such insanely selfish reasons is really on them ... are they trying to punish their parents? it would seem so looking at the other comments to this video. That they do not value their parents and the role the parents play in their lives - again that's on them and it is better they leave. This whole idea that it's the parents fault is total rubbish. Sure there are a very small minority who have genuine complaint - but most of the children are ac;tually narcissists - they type seen in two year olds - they are infantalised at school and taught and rewarded for narcisistic behaviours, It's the ultimate communist distruction of the familiy that started with sending mothers out to work. Well cry babies - you have not parents and maybe you will bully them into subimmiting to your will, maybe you won't - either way you have destroyed what is the single most important relationship you'll ever have - it's gone - you can never get it back. And whilst the choice you may have is to remain in a narcissistic state, it will haunt you in the small hours when you can't sleept, it will be the cause of your inabilbity to form mature relationships with others, and it will result in utter distaster should you ever have your own children. the best way out of it is to eat humble pie, grow up, be an actual adult - and apologise. Because it there is one thing that is absolutely true for thousands of years, your submission to your parents is the ONLY viable relationship dynamic that can work for your own future happiness in relationships
You do not have inherent value as a parent. Judging by this comment, your children made the right choice cutting you off. You are unsalvageable and it is very sad.
@NovaMeteora actually parents do have inherent value - actual seriously abusive parents thst require total discomnection from are extremely rare. For idiots like you who think that your parents faults as humans warrents your judgement of them as abusive even though you have no life experience is utterly staggering - and I know that is the case with you because people who really are abused are not on these type of brainwashing videos being told they are victims and parents are evil (OMG - the con is so obvious) - sadly the point in time you find out how inherantly valuable your parents are it will be too late... they will have moved on, they will never trust you again - and even though they will try to compromise and do what they can to have some sort of relationship with - you will see it in their eyes what you did, you will feel them holding back. You will make excuses about how justified you were and you will convince others to make yourself feel better - but your heart will know you destroyed something precious.
Maybe we're becoming more intelligent and honest, more independent and responsible, healthier and safer, more civilized, respectful and peaceful. The problem isn't you or the other person (not shame) the problem are the terms and conditions.
I don't understand these 20's and 30 YO adult children. They are so quick to blame all their issues on their parents. It's never there fault, it's always the parents. Yes, there are really bad parents out there and some of these adult kids should discontinue contact for good reason. My contention is the vast majority of estranged parents where not perfect parents (who is) and don't deserve the abuse, disrespect and estrangement from their adult kids. I know lots of 20's and 30's people who are floundering through life. Obese, or broke, lazy, can't hold a job, etc. It's their parents fault, not theirs. I know other folks in that age range who had terrible abusive childhoods who put themselves through college, have great careers and nice family's of their own. It's too easy for people to take no ownership in their own failings. It's everyone else's fault. With this epidemic of child estrangement, comes parents giving their kids the middle finger to their estranged kids and happily leaving them nothing in their wills. My cousin was an off/on shit to his father for decades. Well, the father died and the cousin was actually shocked he was left nothing. I agreed with his father's decision. Why leave a nice chunk of change to a son who show'd no respect, care or concern for his father.
Nice cope post boomer. Hate to break it to you but nobody cares about inheriting your leftovers. The younger generations aren’t as materialistic and greedy as yours..we had to get by with less due to the hyperinflation economy you left us. That’s one inheritance you boomers sure don’t mind leaving behind ehh? LOL!
@@bafelix89 sometimes - they don't know the reason. It's just easier to not talk about anything and leave people behind. Karma. Mark my words, what goes around, comes around. THEIR CHILDREN WILL DO THE EXACT SAME THING TO THEM.
@@bafelix89 I've seen some of their comments, their kids (yes! MULTIPLE!!!! LMAO) went no contact with them. I think that says enough about who they are as a person if MULTIPLE OF YOUR KIDS aren't talking to you 🤣
It sounds like the parents are being blamed for everything in this video. It is quite one sided. There are many more reasons than the ones stated why children stop having a relationship with their parent/s. Sometimes the adult child IS at fault. Sometimes personalities clash and people just can’t get along. Or there are mental health issues on either side. I would say, if you have done everything you can to reconcile with your child to no avail, please try not to feel guilty, forgive yourself for the past and try to move on with your life. Because we only have one life.
Not always. My son is autistic and it's very common with autistic adult children to abandon one or both parents so it's not always cut and dry.@@dognextdoor
None of the things you mention are my 2 adult sons' problems. My youngest, I believe has a mental disorder cus he says things happened that did NOT. And his brother says they never happened. I've apologized 100 times to both, and when I ask what I have done, so I can be specific when I say I'm sorry, they can't point and more importantly, so I can STOP doing it. They learned to disrespect me from their biological father. Younger son, for years, would arbitrarily forbid me from seeing my grandson, just saying his actually medically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic wife, just plain didn't want me to. Last time we spoke, he yelled at me "Fvck you Mom" nearly a dozen times in front of HIS son and it was just because I asked a simple question. He has an anger issue too. The older son has forbid me from seeing his children, cus his wife doesn't want me in their life - jealousy. It's so completely hateful from my children. I have given up. It's time these two adults start forgiving me, their Mom, dfor what ever it is they imagine I've done so terribly wrong to them. And there is nothing.
Wow! These reasons are SO UNREASONABLE for a Mexican mother! Everything is about “me”. No respect for parents/elders. No wonder there are so many nursing homes! Why would a child want to take care of parents if THEY WERE TAUGHT TO CUT OFF PARENTS? This culture is SO non-family oriented. Very sad.
So glad you said this. Some adult offspring are bullies and it is not the fault of the parents actually. There are lots of different reasons- some genuine some not. Very sad indeed x
Before the internet and smartphones, this never happened . I live in the Midwest, and my children live in California. It's also got worse after my oldest son died. Their father remarried, and the respect we had for each other before doesn't exist anymore. I never talked bad about him to my children. They rarely send pictures of my grandchildren, unless I ask... 😢 I pray everything gets better for you. 🙏
@@Art_lover_4f4 I agree. Past decades, this not talking to parents, never happened. These grown adult kids think they are entitled to everything. My kids were absolutely loved and taught human decency - both of which they lack to me, their mom, but also to others. They have NO friends.
Im glad im n9t the only one oh shit ive been smiling all week i just found out last week im not the only one 😢 ive been no contact since 2022 it was inly this year i found clerity im 33 it feel betrayed angry deppressed and sad but finding out im not thr only one this has been the best ive felt in yesrs
Adult child hanging onto grudges/anger about their childhood even after a parent took accountability and apologized over and over. Parents trying to accept that there is no closeness now, minimal effort on child’s part, no matter how much parent tries. Can’t force a relationship that’s not there.
It is unfortunate that some parents will remain estranged despite self reflection and several attempts to re-connect, but put it this way, if a convenience store scammed you out of £10, would you ever shop there again?
@@invertedwdg3925 Lol we are talking about parent child relationships not a convenience store. Your comment epitomizes the problem with society and youth today. Encouraged to cut people out of your life for 'traumas'.
What do you do when your adult child has no grasp on reality because they are using psychedelic mushrooms (in quantities enough that would "kill them if it was another drug," that according to my son) and believe events that never actually happened in their childhood happened? What if they angrily blame you for things that never happened at all, or that never happened the way the drug is telling them to remember them? How do you have a rational conversation with an irrational person who sees nothing dangerous in their use of this drug?
Wow. That's exactly what my youngest son is like, except for the drugs. He imagines all kinds of things happened that did NOT. I've sent mine birthday gifts, every few months I text, simply, "thinking about you today. Love Mom." Never a response. I've given up. The blame goes to social media that supports bad behaviour and lies, lies, lies about everything.
Interesting …. Your video didn’t consider the other reasons ; a adult child struggling with addiction and mental illness ! If I had a choice I won’t have become a parent very painful
Reason number one is a bit misleading, I am a victim of parental alienation from both sides but their coercement never really weighed on me, I was able to see their true character for myself as a child based on the values that they preached and if they way they acted on them. My parents split up when I was 6 so i knew that they both had solid biases and being between them I would still have my own private opinion on how I viewed their character without how they wanted me to view eachother. I will say that this isn’t always the case and I can be easier for some kids to be persuaded depending on the circumstance. Adults also forget how tough a child’s mind can be and an imprinted love can outweigh their words against one another. It’s mostly the action of the parent directly on the child where the child is hurt.
Estrangement isn’t anything new the only new thing is most blame the parents nowadays. This newer generation are quite self serving and is all about me and I think older generations find it selfish and there is that difference as the world used to be very caring and helpful towards loved ones but it has become more about feeling good in the moment which is sad 😢
Oh yes it does. I'm done calling, I think they get off on not answering the phone. I saw it happen before when they cut my aunt off when her father was dying. Wouldn't let her see or speak to him for 40 days. It's a sick dynamic, and I'm in therapy to get better. Nobody is willing to work on themselves, it is what it is. Can't even express if something hurts your feelings, you get shot and shut right down. Emotional cripples.
This is not what studies say. You literally made stuff up to appeal to your audience. You told them what they want to hear (lies) instead of actual facts. Which will just perpetuate this "epidemic".
@@DrMaikaSteinborn I responded to your comment almost immediately after you asked the question. Is there a reason you didn't approve the comment to be shown?
I didn't see your answer, not sure what happened there... I don't use the "approve of comments first" function, they get posted right away... Sometimes TH-cam deletes comments automatically, if they includes links. Did you inlcude links? If yes, it could help if you post the answer again without links... I'd still be interested in the study references, if you'd like to share them...
The women in the comments section don't sound so tough now 😂😂 what happened? Angry at being abandoned? Very good. Who's the loser now? But anyways, "cry till ya succeed" and good luck 😂😂
Maybe the child is a narcissist and everything has to be their way even if the parents bend over backwards to Maintain a very difficult relationship with them. As long as they can use you, for instance babysitting, they are very happy with you. They can be disrespectful but you are not tolerated if you say anything they don't like. Please understand that this personality also exists and parents should not keep blaming themselves for no good reason.
If you as the child feel shame to the point you have to disappear, think about why. Children should feel safe with their parents and be able to come to them with their shame ,lay it bare and get support. That’s a parents job. But what if your parent turns your vulnerable moments into jokes, tells your ‘stories’ to others for attention or entertainment value? What if instead of being heard and understood, then guided and supported through difficulty you were left feeling even more alone and raw? Then yes, absolutely stop taking your vulnerable self to people who treat you roughly. And if you have kids of your own you probably want to shield them from feeling the way you always did, so that’s even more reason. Shame should never keep kids away from healthy good parents. Too bad so many adult kids can not trust their parents anymore and have to hide parts, if not all of their lives from them.
I bet vast majority of those who cut off parents are under 30 (not fully mature yet). In my experience younger generations are not good at real communicating (texting is there preferred way to converse) and view “ghosting” as an appropriate and normal practice.
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This makes a lot of sense. My husband doesn't talk to his mother and it is a mix of everything you said here. His mom is not willing to have any conversation. She just yells.
We are DONE with toxic relationships, they brought this upon themselves, simple as that.
You are likely the toxic one.
Really .. are you absolutely positive YOU AS A XHILD HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOXICITY IN YOUR FAMILY OR HOW YOU TREATED YOUR PARENTS OR BEEN FOOLISH ENOUGH TO CHOOSE THE ADVICE OF A NEW PARTNER OR BF OR GF THAT YOU WERE QUICK TO OUT ABOVE YOUR OWN PARENTS??
@@badado IF YOU YELL LIKE THIS IT MAKES YOU SOUND EMOTIONALLY STABLE
@badado when we type in all caps, people consider it to be yelling ❤
@@badadosettle down their boomer
I don’t think estrangement is new at all; we’re just being a lot more honest about it.
My uncles might have had “a hard time”, but I am naming and claiming.
I agree. I remember seeing people achieve some degree of estrangement in the 1960s, 70s, and 80s by joining the military, becoming a nun, joining a commune, marrying early and moving away, moving far away in particular overseas, or always "too busy" with work, family, other activities. In the past there wasn't the frequent communication that people expect now--long distance phone charges were high, not everyone will write a letter, airfare was more expensive. People have been going no contact or low contact for a long time, they just didn't announce it.
@@karenhamrick9210 There’s another very important puzzle piece - the abused are no longer isolated. We have this amazing opportunity to talk to and help one another.
So glad you are having this conversation beyond narcissist parents. Many of us have become estranged from parents who were not narcissists, they were just evil!
In my opinion, if your parents were evil, you wouldn't have survived this far. Don't you think they were mentally unwell? Or perhaps they were emotionally weak and couldn't cope with you. Mental illness and even personality weaknesses can come across as evil. Have you considered that?
They aren’t necessarily even evil either…it’s just not always all that possible to make it work, or to make it work in a healthy way.
I'm the adult daughter who wants to gather the courage to cut off my narc mom. It's exhausting dealing with her and her need to want me to apologize to her for no reason whatsoever. She's currently giving me silent treatment because I refused to apologize. I'm just so mentally exhausted...
@karina9001 - Before total communication breakdown, I would honestly talk to her before total estrangement. Remind her that no relationship is possible Without Mutual Love, respect, communication, unforgiveness from both parties. It can't be you versus your mom and vice versa. It's got to be you and your mom against the challenges that are breaking apart your relationship. She can't do it without you and you can't do it without her doing your part.
There's more to say but that's probably the most simplest way to start.
@ I wish I could get thru to her. Literally three days ago, she made a very rude comment on my body, about me gaining a few pounds (mind you, I have severe depression, not that she cares). Anyways, she basically made me feel so ugly about myself. And we ended up having a argument because I’m not going to allow her to put me down emotionally. She treats me like I don’t have a heart or any feelings.
Anyways it’s been 3 days of silence. We live in the same house but we haven’t spoken a single word to each other. I refuse to speak to her until I get an apology, which knowing her, won’t happen because she’s too good to apologize to me. At this point in my life, I rather not speak to her ever again. It’s honestly more peaceful that way.
@@powercourageandwisdomMy husband and I did all of this and it was thrown back at us..We are done!
@kelleyturner6584 - it's too bad because everybody has problems with their parents at one point or another. I chose to work out my problems with my parents and I'm so glad I did. Nobody nothing will ever love like family. You'll never have a friend that will love you and be there for you like family. You might have more fun with friends then you do family but don't get the two mixed up.
I guess I was lucky but I had to do my part as well.
@@powercourageandwisdom I wish I could say the same but my own mother has the emotional maturity of a 5yr old. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because she didn’t like when I stood up for myself when she was making rude, inappropriate remarks about my body and weight. She takes zero personal accountability that she has hurt my feelings numerous times in the past. She is also so stubborn that she didn’t even wish me on my birthday this past weekend. Just because some ppl can reproduce, it doesn’t mean that they will make decent parents. My boyfriend’s parents treat me with more love and respect than I ever got from my own bio parents.
I am estranged from my oldest daughter because I divorced her dad, who was abusive to me. My daughter was extremely angry with my decision to leave because I had to sell our primary home and move. I ultimately had to ask her to leave my home. We are not able to talk or come to any agreement so I have stopped trying. Adult children can be very selfish and entitled which will wear out the parent that attempts to have a healthy relationship.
Did you ask her to leave because she would not treat you respectfully? Did you try family counseling?
@Violet_Lotus_ Unfortunately, I had to request that she leave. I attempted counseling with her, she refused. I offered to pay and have her go separately, she refused. You love your children, but you have to continue to love you.
Don't blame the child, blame yourself and your husband for creating a toxic family home environment and divorcing which most likely caused her psychological trauma and distress. Parents are selfish and do not think of the psychological harm. If there was abuse throughout her childhood, she must have been greatly affected. As a mother, you probably did not try to provide emotional support and tried to seek help in a healthy manner to avoid further damage. I know this because I lived in a similar situation. I tried to empathize with my mother, but I also realize that she was the cause of many arguments that led to emotional and physical abuse. They are both narcissists and I still go through their narcissistic mental abuse as an adult in my 30s. They never separated, but I realize that they love the chaos and emotional and verbal abuse. I was trained and programmed to normalize this and it is probably why I became sick and wasted my 20s in depression and stress. Adult children are not selfish, it is the parents' fault. You were dysfunctional and you caused damage to your child at a young age. Her behavior as an adult is not healthy because it is a symptom of unresolved psychological trauma and conflict. Estrangement is revenge for parents to look inward and seek reconciliation.
@@Violet_Lotus_ She sounds like a typical narcissistic parent. I know this because I have experience with this. They use family therapy to blame it on the child or adult child so that he or she can begin believing the lie of being crazy or the reason for family problems. It is the typical gaslighting and false memories that narcissistic parents play to make you believe that you are crazy, mentally ill, and the cause of the emotional and mental issues in the family. If the therapist does not pick this up, he is just working for his paycheck and will cntinue to use this gaslighting to profit. Some therapists are good and empathetic enough to recognize narcissistic abuse from those who seek family counseling and would rather work for the benefit of the adult child rather than to play the parents' narrative.
@@jacqueslee2592 Actually, YOU sound like the Narcissist. Imagine coming into a comment section, and attacking and diagnosing someone who you don't know at all. She did not "use" therapy for anything, because the daughter refused to go. She clearly reached out many times, and did what you are supposed to do to reconcile, and was met with rejection. I don't know you, but your comment makes you sound like you ARE how you were described. You need to grow up sweetheart. And stop blaming others. What YOU did here is inexcusable. This poor lady expressed real hurt, and YOU attacked her with made up garbage. Shame on YOU.
What if none of those fit my narrative. My son was overindulged! I will not be accepting of my ADULT child to fabricated stories, and I will not accept anyone, including my son, refusing to take responsibility for himself and actions speak louder than words.
Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
I'm very in the same position.
@@MsRabbit6 Same. Gave my son everything, was doting and involved, loving. These kids today are encouraged to throw away their parents.
Remember: if your parent sounds like these comments we see here, they are telling you they care more about being "right" (or even the victim in some cases) than fixing their relationship with you. These people are sadly lost causes, and this is the kind of parent you cut off. 🙏
@Emily-g3n5q This is a lot of words just to say, "I never actually loved my children and am now infuriated that they will not tolerate my abuse". What is your goal here exactly, to garner sympathy or to make yourself look worse? Because I can tell you exactly which one you're succeeding at.
@Emily-g3n5q You sound exactly like the kind of parent I am talking about. I hope your children are happier without you in their lives.
Love your video .as a mother I didn't take accountability ..and my adult child became distant ..a great loss to me
I have so much respect for you and hope because you own that and you're honest about it.
Behaviors of unhealthy parents are consistent, frequent, and problematic. Adults can choose to end relationships that don't meet their needs, disrespect boundaries and are unhealthy because they lack mutuality, reciprocity and equality.
As adults we understand when a parent is unwilling and/or unable to change their behaviors and we are not obligated to continue to forgo our own needs, wants and desires. And we certainly know when love is conditional.
Unconditional love works both ways, don't you think? If your parents aren't mature enough, and you think your better, aren't you supposed to know how to deal with the sitatuion without having to cut them off (which is, in my opinion, the most selfish thing on earth?)
This was fantastic. Thank you for this list. It’s a good list to work on relationship skills to keep communication healthy and open for parents like me, too, who still have full contact with my adult kids and don’t want that to change. I want to stay open to them always, but having come from a different background than that I am without healthy examples of how to keep things open and healthy without disagreements shutting things down.
There might be parents watching this who refuse to see things from their child’s perspective with an open and empathetic heart, and that’s really very sad. Our kids never stop needing parents, and as people none of us stop growing so why should our relationships never need maintenance? A growth mindset is crucial when you have kids.
Wonderfully put, very on point 👌🏻, thank you ✨
There are many AD who refuse to see the affected parent’s perspective as well. I pray you never feel the pain of estrangement.
I totally agree with everything you say. One thing
There is a lot of “ you make them feel “ in this. I get that but it’s about them also becoming adults the relationship will need to heal. No one can make someone feel anything. It’s always about accountability. In saying this of course they feel this way because they weren’t always an adult when these injuries to their soul happened. But mutual accountability needs to be the goal.
For instance I am working on myself at taking accountability for my role as a parent. I am introspective and willing to soul search and listen. But I’m not willing to be abused by my son because he ‘ feels ‘ like I’m doing something to him. A lot of things he feels are how he felt as a child. I can only acknowledge my actions that led to this and show him not only remorse but make the changes where I can. Not only for him but for my own growth. But if he’s not ready yet to move beyond the blame game and dumping his feelings on me like I’m the skapegoat for all his inner turmoil there’s not much I can do for now but also take a wide berth . My mental health is also important to me. I still have a future and a life to live. So maybe the estrangement is something we both may need for now albeit incredibly painful.
❤
It's awful when your parents are highly insecure people, who treat everything in the family like a power game. They treat their family this way, because they're cowards who can't play the same games outside the house.
I have always enjoyed working. Because at work, most people are acting like a team, in pursuit of a common goal. At home, it was nothing but tearing each other down, delighting in their child's failures, and minimizing their successes.
My choice is not between living a fun life, and fulfilling obligations to my parents - it's between life and death. If I fully bought into my family's narrative, I'd be dead. My Uncle was the only other person with the same role, and they drive him to suicide - continuing to shit on him after death, for not doing well in a job interview, and being so weak that "he just couldn't forget his childhood."
For a long time, I thought that if I killed myself, my family might see what they're doing, but they never will. If I didn't get this unfortunate lesson, I'd be dead by now. No one in any family deserves to die, so their parents can feel okay about themselves. I can't believe this is a controversial opinion.
How many people can say that they were surprised, by how relaxing and heartwarming it is to have a job, and experience natural consequences of our actions. If every family operates this way, then everyone should experience similar surprise.
Yes, I agree in part but this is usually seen from the perspective of the child. What happens if the (adult) child abuses and disrespects the parent. I think this happens more often than society is prepared to admit.
@AdrianRif
Thank you for even attempting to see it from the discarded and devastated parents’ point of view.
There is an obvious shame attached, because it MUST BE, the parents fault, right? I have posted a couple of msgs, obviously written by a parent in pain … and am shocked at the disrespectful, no home training, ugliness that is tended to in the gardens of some peoples hateful hearts. (@NovaMeteora). So your kindness, however big or small, is much appreciated, thank you. 🫶🏽❤️
@AdrianRif It does not happen nearly as much as the opposite. The majority of these people claiming victim because of their adult children are throwing temper tantrums that those adult children are enforcing boundaries for the first time in their lives.
If you're the parent, don't worry about what society thinks. When you're by yourself living the hell that your adult off spring has created for you, society is not crossing it with you. Do what's best for you.
@@NovaMeteora Care to provide real evidence for your claim? Care to explain why there is protective services in EVERY state and much of what they do is about children abusing their parents? I don't have kids, but what I see in all the chats is children being abusive to their parents, and not the other way around, and then the adult children cry victim. I bet you get your views from those chats too.
After listening to most of this video, it seems that the Dr. is automatically taking a default position that assumes it is the parents' fault most of the time, rather than the adult child. Think I'll look for "another opinion".
You make out that the adult child has the equivalent of an adult tantrum. As the parent of adult children, I acknowledge that I am a student of life from another era that I cannot change. Its like being the slowest student in the class. I will never catch up with my children. A little understanding on their part would go a long way. Our adult children will suffer the same issues with their own children in the future. We wont be around to see how they handle the sadness.
Well said. I think it’s all situational imo. There are instances where the kid is justified, but there are plenty of instances there isn’t.
@Kjf2691 justification is usually not applicable here.
Everyone should be free to decide who they interact with or not.
there are emotional family ties, which usually says quite a lot about the state of the relationship if a kid estranges.
And if someone really feels, they dont have a good relationship with a parent and they move away, thats their decision and theirs alone. they need to justify it for themselves and nobody else. not the parent, not the family and not some friends or even strangers.
And maybe you will.
Sounds like my mother, lol. Lack of accountability is what lies at the heart of the issue.
Ive done that as a child for thw reason number 4. My mum projects her insecurities on me and she didnt respect my privacy and boundaries. Now when im pregnant its useful to know what the reasons may be to try and avoid mistakes
I tried to avoid my parents' mistakes (even though I didn't cut them off deliberately). It didn't work. Estrangement is a curse in some families. One has to learn how to deal with it.
Im estranged from my entire family both sides, no regrets...
My mom always demanded respect from me but never respected me as a person. As a child I was to be seen and not heard, that is very damaging, children are people and deserve to be respected as much as anyone else. And as an adult she still treats me like my thoughts, feelings and effort have no value if they differ from hers. No respect at all.
Do u treat her with respect probably not otherwise she wouldn’t be saying it
@@fransinclair3356 when I was a kid I did what I was told, I didn't talk back. I wasn't perfect, but when I did act out I took my punishment. I think that I was mostly respectful. Now, Im 44 yrs old and absolutely have no respect left for her. I don't treat her bad, I don't treat her any way because we have no relationship.
@@fransinclair3356take notes, class, what Fran is doing here is called "victim blaming" by insinuating that Kristy was disrespectful first and therefore somehow "earned" the neglect. Don't be like Fran. Use your brain!
You completely missed the fact that many children cut off contact with one parent because of how they abused the other parent.
True!
And abused kids!
I wish my parents could have the kind of introspection this video insists upon. My father was incredibly toxic and would repeatedly insult my mother, when she was the person who solely raised me. I tried to raise boundaries and asked that he not say those things around me, and he then decided that I was the one who should be targeted. I haven't blocked my father entirely from contact, but I cannot be around him unless he can engage with some amount of introspection about how being raised in that environment hurt me.
At the same time, my mom insists that I need to completely forgive him, despite me repeatedly explaining that I can't forgive him and move on unless he's willing to engage with self reflection. At the same time, she's repeatedly shoo'ed off insulting comments made by my family, and will not speak to me without yelling over almost everything I say. While I love her, it's incredibly hard to feel wanted and cared for by her and I'm worried I might need to set that boundary with another parent.
Parents can often times have trouble shutting off the part of their brain that identifies you as a child and not as an adult, who deserves to be taken seriously as an adult. While it may be their best intention, they can often look at any conversations and growth discussions, not as one adult talking to another adult, but as a child not knowing how the world works. It's incredibly frustrating as someone who wants to have full contact with all of my family, to be looked at as less than and to have your parent back that thought. I would love to be a more active part in my family, but the reality is that if I'm going to be insulted and not feel like I have any kind of back up, then I really don't want that kind of toxicity in my life.
It's an incredibly sad decision to have to make almost any time it happens.
Thank you for sharing your experience. A relationship to parents not willing to introspect can be tough terrain to navigate 💯. All the best to you 💖
Be the bigger person! Be tough! Don't let their weaknesses steal the relationship.
You seem to be a very decent individual. You understand people on a deeper level. When your mother talks to you about unconditional forgiveness, you could show her what the Bible says about that. Matthew 18:15-20. “Moreover if your brother (meaning brother in faith) sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. 18 “Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."
I would like to clear things up for estranged adults.. as parents we move on.. we grieve, we reflect, we live in hope and eventually we just move on.. it's the healthiest thing for everyone.. so to all the parents out there.. live your best life.. you deserve it ❤
The child abusers don't deserve it.
You probably don't deserve it.
Cope.
Replies show who are the sick ones. Children raised by social media are like wolves and have no family bond. Only bonded to the state.
@@tesseract2365 if the parents actually did their job in the first place and raised their kids right and were proper role models they wouldn’t have turned to social media for guidance, you ever think of that?
People grow up knowing the world is awful, disgusting, and painful.
But yet they have kids anyways!
...AND they wonder why their kids estrange them as a result.
This us why we need more antinatalists like you
I guess because every one of us (parents) thought (arrogantly) they could be perfect parents. Perfect by the standard of their days, the period of time they grew up in, the old system and its norms. Then, you suddenly realise that perfection dwells in perception only. By then, it's too late.
thank you very much Dr Steinborn, this video helped me understand why I cut the ties with my parents and put my mind at rest.
I would love to have a healthy relationship with my parent. But I can’t remember the last time he called to ask me how I was doing, or even reciprocated a relationship.
I am willing to stay out of my children's lives if they don't want me near.
Crazy words. You are the parent. How can you just not talk to your child?
@estadea22 I mean adult children that do not live with me. Oh boy! What did you think?
@@lilyofthevalley7413 Adult children or not my point doesnt change. You are just willing to back off if they say. Pretty sad. A true good parent would simply not allow that to ever happen. You are still the parent if they are 20 or 70
@@estadea22 how do you not “allow” that to happen? You cannot control another adult if that’s what they choose. How would you not allow it as a parent?
Unconditional luv is a myth in this world...
More so now than ever.
I don't think that's true. Good parents have it for their kids. I don't think kids, adult or otherwise, have unconditional love for their parents though. The parents need to earn it, and keep earning it.
@morrisdennis...maybe for you. I love my son no matter what.
JohnnyRugged06...so parents need to love their children unconditionally but they have to earn it with their children? So you can treat your parents like garbage with no accountability? Yet, if they upset you they are cut off? I pray you don't have children.
@@Elizabeth-dw6lc And he'll love you back if you treat him well enough.
Estrangement is not rare it's been going on forever.
Almost every story in the Bible addresses these issues.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! My impression is that it's become more of a topic of wide public awareness and discussion these days. Also, estrangement is different from cutting the metaphorical umbilical cord, which is a topic I feel has more of a longstanding tradition...
I haven't spoken to my "mother" in 4 years and I never will again. She abused me so badly as a child, I barely made it out alive. Munchausen by Proxy.
@@sonicleaves Sounds like mental illness. You can't fix it for her
What if it’s the other way around. All the items you have mentioned is what I experience as the mother in the equation. Especially that lack of empathy and unwillingness to to but balen me. This is also a real reality for parents
There’s parent versions of these videos. It’s very common.
I find it hard to believe your kids are the problem
Yes. One of my daughters is a bully and is jealous of the younger sibling. She blames me for everything. I just let her say whatever she wants, and I walk around with it on my heart.
@jaxonv2098 how rude and assuming. Some kids are toxic! It's a 2 way street.
@@a.w.3772 mm. Doubt.
My son cut ties with his entire family (myself and his brothers) No explanation, no response to any messages. We have no idea what has happened. Even if he has an issue with me, he absolutely ADORED his oldest brother but he even cut him off. We are absolutely clueless.
That’s tough 💔
Probably because the brother is close to you
I'm so sorry ❤
If you don’t know why you’ve been estranged, then that is a huge part of the problem. You are saying that you’re not tuned in to your child, and that you’re not close.
My mother claims she doesn’t know but: I’ve begged for her to treat me kindly my whole life, she never lets me finish a sentence, she “corrects” me constantly - of course she doesn’t know!! Ironic.
@dianagarrison3138 I hope you have told her exactly that and tried to reconcile ❤️
I love your vibe, blue eyes, slow pacing and calm demeanor. Very comforting
As the eldest child in the house, they had expectations of me. However, I struggled to find a proper job in my early 20s, which, in some way, hurt their expectations. After finishing college, I moved back in with my parents and sister. Over time, I began to feel like an outsider in the house. I couldn’t explain how I felt, but as the time passed, it became stronger. My stepdad started to get in the way, insisting that I follow his lead, but I was sure that wasn’t what I wanted. Then, he began to emotionally manipulate me, saying things like, “We raised you, gave you food, provided a roof over your head, and a comfortable bed,” even though I had to sleep on the couch for two years because there wasn’t enough room for my brother and me before.
After that day, for my own mental well-being, I stopped engaging in conversations with him, stopped doing whatever he told me, and started preparing myself to leave the house. What I’m saying is, after being hurt repeatedly, giving trust, and offering second chances, I’ve finally accepted the fact that he will never change.
I have 2 siblings and we all refuse to speak to my father due to him being an inherently bad abusive person. He blames my mom for “turning us against him” I kind of want to see things from his perspective but we have given him hundreds of second chances and he still reverts to the same old abuse when we see him/forced to see him in certain events.
I stopped talking to my mother last year, and my father 5 years ago. He died yesterday from a heart attack. I’m wasn’t a happy person before yesterday and my head is spinning today.
I find it interesting that there is no explanation in which the fault might lie with the adult child. Is it always the parent?
100%.. they are adults.. and have their own faults..
There is no situation where an adult child wants to stop talking to their parents. When they do it is because the parents' actions have finally crossed a line and they simply cannot put up with the parents'behavior anymore
@ like what kind of actions are you speaking of?
And who raised the kids?
@@mamagherbear7082 that doesn’t matter
When my daughter stopped speaking to me , it was the best thing for both of us. No regrets.
@@simchad613 i hope she is happier without you. At least you aren't attempting to deny your failure as a parent, so props for that.
@@NovaMeteora I see you as the failure. Nothing in the comment pointed to the parent being the failure, yet you went there and attacked this person. Yep, you are very typical, and history will not paint your generation in a good light. You fail as a compassionate human. So props to you for that.
@shakeyj4523 🫵😂 Another failure trying to talk to me like they're a human
Parents who want their children to be someone or something they are not can be imposing harm. in my case, our problems began with the death of my third child. First it was pronounced an accidental death, then there was a murder investigation that had my ex-wife , his mother, as a person of interest in his murder. After that my second oldest, my daughter, went from being friendly and thinking I was the best parent in the world to have bouts of white noise(her own admission) in her head. Then she accused me of trying to poison her with oils in her meals. Then she left our whole house, including her siblings and went with friends/lovers that now have abandoned her. I'm heart broken and hurt because she won't talk to anyone nor do I know where she lives. I can only read her twitter and social media. I hope she has great life and learns that we all love her. Nonetheless , it is her life to live whether she wants us or me in it. I want only what's best for her, if that means she never talks to me again then Peace 2 her .
I have noticed my son is acting detached from me. I think his motherinlaw's meddling has alot to do with it.
Abuse is the reason
The reason being is that we realize as adults that our parents were sick, not good parents, and narcissists. It will just get worse as an adult because they no longer see you as their child. When you are 16 to 18, this is when your parents do not really see you as their child. If your parents are narcissists, the abuse is just going to get worse. It is always better to quietly become independent from them before they make you sick and stunt your development as an adult. If you were able to estrange earlier to save your health and sanity, you made a good decision for yourself. Narcissistic parents will never regret or realize their wrongdoing.
Wow, just wow. There is so much hate and selfishness in this world. From both parents and children. Surely there is a better way for some of these relationships. Blame is thrown around like a ping pong ball. How very sad for everyone.
Or maybe it's kids putting their foot down deciding they don't deserve to be treated like dogshit anymore?
Do not fall for this kind of guilt-tripping we see demonstrated in this comment. They will claim to meet you in the middle, and then take a step back every time you step forward.
This video is so on point. Thank you for posting this! 🙏
☺️🙏🏻☀️
Same with my dad.
Im 36 and married, dog, white fence and house, all the above.
The fact is, he doesn’t like me. Not really. There’s a palpable tension whenever I’m around, an unspoken agreement to sidestep anything resembling warmth. I’ll show up at family events-rarely, to be honest-only to feel that familiar, suffocating weight of judgment. It’s as if he has a script, one that he recites for my wife, turning his back on me while he makes jokes about my failures, the kind of barbs meant to pierce rather than amuse. “Look at him,” he’ll say, chuckling, “what a mess.”
And the conversations? They’re an exercise in endurance. I can count on one hand the times we’ve talked meaningfully, and those moments inevitably devolve into lectures on the few topics he deems worthy: why I’m inferior, why my interests are frivolous. I’ve listened to him dissect my choices, all delivered with that feigned air of wisdom-like he’s doing me a favor.
I don’t know why I even bother showing up anymore. There’s a deep frustration in that dance, a resigned acceptance of a relationship forever stuck in the shallow end. It’s exhausting, this act of trying to connect with someone who only sees you as an extension of their own shortcomings. I wonder if he even realizes how little he knows me, or if that even matters to him.
Sounds like jealousy.
Tell me that how can a therapist say that that should be the best choice to go no contact when they’ve never even met anybody in the family. That leaves the distorted perception in the clients mind without having the balance of reality there’s always two sides to a story in the middle is usually where it’s at.
Short of actual danger, I agree with you.
This is the parental version of guys that think women owe them sex because theyre "nice guys with a job"
What?
@Art_lover_4f4 there are low life types who think women owe men a relationship because they're friendly and employed.
Parents saying their adult children owe them a relationship because they're their parents is the same thing
I can see it 😅
@@bafelix89 Bullshit.
My daughter and I are estranged at this time for a few of the reasons listed here. I take responsibility for the part I had to play in it, but the majority has to do with her mother. I can't control what is said about me since I'm not around. It's been 2 plus years since I've heard from her but I can see she's doing well. I've focused on myself and my wife because I see no sense in having all the joy sucked out of however much time God allows me to be around. Time will tell what happens, but I write positive messages to her from time-to-time, telling her how I've been and that I'll be there for her. Thats all I can do for now.
'Cos my Dad is a selfish and cruel arsehole and he's used me as his emotional punching bag for the last time 🤷♀️
Excellent! Thank you very much.
I was a very good mother before my son and daughter got married,and i was in job, but now after my retirement i am wrong always whenever i try speak anything,,i have started keeping quite..i am so confused,now deciding to live alone. I helped them make a decent career,,gave them all my money as a single parent.
Currently everybody is a victim. There is no respect to the parents anymore. I watch this happening to my young kids. I wouldn’t have kids if I was starting my life now. It’s like be looking for trouble.
I disagree with most of this. Children have a duty to be there for their parents, just as parents have a duty to be there for the children. It's all of this selfish insistence on one's own happiness at the expense of all else that is responsible for the breakdown of the family. Sometimes we all must make some sacrifices in life for the better good. Of course, there are times when it might be necessary to break away. Such as in cases of sexual abuse. But to break off ties over just differing opinions on life or politics is not healthy. Generations view things differently. It's always been like that. Deal with it. Don't be so quick to discard your parents, there's a good chance you might need them someday. Also, keep in mind that this stuff is how therapists make their living. Family discord is their bread and butter, so they have a financial incentive to keep it going.
Wow, it's really nice to read a well thought out, mature and kind comment here. It's nice to see that there are people like you still around.
It usually starts with parental alienation from a childs early age. Where the good time parent wants to be friends with their kids rather than a parent. The kids gravitate to that parent because they're getting what they want, not what they need. The other parent becomes ostracized, disrespected and ridiculed while the good time parent has an unhealthy codependent relationship with their now adult children. It's the good cop bad cop scenario.
How about when a child cuts off a parent because they (the child) has addiction, psychological, behavioural issues which have caused them to create an internal narrative in which the parent is the 'baddie'? This, to the child, then justifies their discontinuation of contact. Child may be feeling too guilty about past actions, or may simply be unwilling to face up to their own poor choices with a view to change. It may be easier for them to blame a parent and simply avoid contact if the parent sets boundaries, than to deal with uncomfortable realities that confront them with the need to make changes.
It's still the parent's fault apparently.
Self reflection. A real strength of the baby boomers…
They can’t go the way of the dodo bird soon enough.
💯
Kids say no to drugs and alcohol.
Don't cheat while in relationships,try your hardest not to divorce if you have kids. Trama is passed down from each failing generation.
These two adictions alone are why so many children don't talk to a parent into adulthood.
Making wise choices today and in the future. Will build a much more healthy society.
Filled with love and not greed.
🙏 godbless everyone and stay safe.
Cutting ties with parents shows a lack of long term vision and love. I'm not talking about real abuse here. I know parents who are not abusive or overbearing and love their kids. In fact, these parents honestly are shook. I believe there are a lot of terrible trends out there.
Treating children like they owe you eternal allegiance for you doing the bare minimum shows a lack of love and consideration for other human beings
@@bafelix89 It's a wonder that most parents don't kick their children out on their 18th birthday and ghost them because of all the anxiety they caused.
@@MsMollah oh poor you. You had to raise a child you chose to have.
@@bafelix89 Some people choose to get married or choose to have children, it can still be traumatic.
@MsMollah yes we're all very sorry you forced to do the bare legal requirement to the children you brought into this world
My husband cut off his parents- specifically bc his mother physically attacked me because he divorced his ex (the mother of the grandchildren) To this day his parents blame Me as the one preventing their adult son from speaking to them. He chose to reject them to protect me, his wife and his adult personal life and health.
Physical attack is never acceptable. That would also be an acceptable reason for cutting off contact. The vast majority here do not have stories like yours though.
@ I know. Thank you. I have searched the internet to try and find others who have experienced something similar but haven’t found anything. Maybe old Jerry Springer episodes
My husband’s mother blames me for her estrangement from her son saying that there was never a problem with them and their relationship before I came into the picture made him leave his ex-wife break up their family and ruin hers. I’m sorry but last I looked a grown man who is married is an adult and she wasn’t in the marriage. He has changed a lot since we’ve been together, but it’s been for the positive and he has no regrets of cutting her out out of his life. She continues to send Christmas chocolates from Amazon every year and birthday cards and occasionally will call and leave guilt trip messages like “your dad and I are getting old. We miss you would sure be nice to hear from you even if you want to yell at me “. She claims that every letter he has written via email has been done so by me and that she never knows who’s really talking him or me to her. She’s a very jealous person, but I don’t see the love. I see resentment, jealousy and insecurity as well as serious anger, and rage.
THANK you.❤
I'm estranged from my mom because shes a horrendous person...
Did she cut you off in your teen years cus "you were a horrendous teen"? Grow up and stop blaming ONLY YOUR MOM! Pretty sure you have something to do with the mess. Why? Cus you're human and relationships take TWO and lots of work. Get counseling and get your own head om straight.
Children do not owe their parents absolutely nothing. We did not ask to be brought into this world and we certainly didn’t choose our parents.
Dude, take your man pill. She gave you life, wiped your ass for the first 3 or 4 years of your life, took care of you when you were sick, and had to deal with your bulshit as you grew up. Respect and honor your parents. You're living proof that they used to be happy and enjoyed their lives like you're trying to do. They probably are more grouchy after paying for you and the bills that you come with you your whole life only for you to show disrespect and entitlement.
@@ravenclaw783- seriously ?? Be glad your mother took responsibility and didn't abort you. You didn't ask to be born?? How ungrateful, you self-entitled little brat. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
@@powercourageandwisdom so she did a fraction of the bare minimum required of a parent..better get her a participation trophy! Awwwww the poor wittle baby boomers!!! 😂😆😂
Excellent video!
It's #5 and especially #8 for me. Years of beating a dead horse and I was losing my sanity.
My Narcissist mom’s family tree were the s!ave owners of the Old South. Before the Civil War they experienced the going NC practice every time any of their s!aves ran away from them. Post Civil War, it was every generation of siblings going NC from each other because they turned the abuse patterns they used to inflict upon their s!aves inwards on to their own kin.
Lovely. Very helpful.
For me my problem is not with my parents but my father's family members they have they eyes on me too much, and are always sticking their noses into my business and what makes me frustrated about this is that my father is the one allowing them to do this so they don't respect my father and Mother,they don't treat me with the respect i think i deserve and they see me as a house help that's all they see me as nothing else and every time I try to distance myself from them they keep forcing themselves on me and my father allows them and that's why I have made up my mind is to cut contacts from my father's family because I just don't like them at all.
When I successfully graduate from the university by the most high's grace, get a job and get out of my parents house and start a new life because I'm tired of being tossed around like a tool.
What about the parent who feels neglected because the child is being disrespectful not allowing for their boundaries and thinking that they own the house
It's still your fault apparently. Read the chats and they are all the same. Parents don't understand why their offspring cut them off. In the chats with the offspring, they attack any parent who says they don't understand. They all sound very entitled and lacking in empathy. Some were even blaming the parents for the abuse the PARENTS suffered by their parents, and how they were supposed to somehow be perfect parents even thought they had horrible role models. NO ONE is taught parenting. What do you want to bet that they will cut off their own kids too.
My child needs to earn my trust. This is such a one-sided brainwashed conversation. My child is a spoiled brat narcissist who is treated with the utmost respect and never faithful in anyway.
I am very proud of them for leaving you. May they find the peace and happiness in your absence that was unattainable when you were present.
Thank you!
3 years plus my daughter abandone me... didn't treat me respect as her mother.. since she leaves me I got depression... so hard... no energy.. no desire to leave... I'm in pain..
I can't accept what she is doing to me....so brutal...so cruel... its not easy to forget and forgive. She ruin my life, my heath... my plans.. my dreams.... plus she didn't feel guilty at all. I beg her to come back to me, I miss her like crazy.. but she ignored...
No respect, no mercy, no responsibility.... like I'm nobody to her..
I'm sick..deep pain..
My I me my I me I’m Me I my...LOL, they sure don’t call you boomers the ME generation for nothing!
@@TripleR-kb6uc The youngest boomers are 60 and grandparents numpty. You must be a brainless zoomer?
This comment is what we call "guilt tripping". It's a particularly lazy example, but notable nonetheless. It goes to show what crazy drivel they will say before ever admitting fault.
I’m, let’s see, #3, #4, #5 kinda - I probably am more willing to accept duty to others than most but I also have a duty to myself which has been…shirked and that has brought about…very unpleasant consequences.
Continuing on, #6, not #7 so much a reason but occasionally it does happen which isn’t good, #8 isn’t really a reason but those kinds of issues aren’t entirely absent either even though my expectations here are quite low & have already been met - it’s less about the past & more about falling back into unhealthy patterns.
Thank you Dr. Maika..... And i'll just keep giving them the space they wanted, probably not proud of me, though I just miss them, and hoping to have some humble conversations , chill type, feel-good talk between us. I will keep praying to our Dear Lord Jesus and discernment from the Holy Spirit, so that i'd stay quiet and not reactive. I also miss my granddaughter, she doesn't come here anymore even video calls and messaging has stopped, though we're very close, simply made her feel at home when she's here.... I will keep praying for the right attitude on this, keep looking for a virtual job, like before, so I could still be productive and self-reliant. Maybe when they see me progressing with a job, they'll all come to visit me and their brother , who is 36 yr old autistic one, thank god my autistic son is verbal ,though with tantrums at times, is still kind and sweet in his own way..I'll keep praying to Dear God, learn to let go and let God. God cares more than I know. Thank you Dr. Maika.
Children grow up and become estranged from parents they deem toxic. Period.
And then their children do the same to them.. you're forming your own cycle and you don't even know it..
They could be narcissistic too as narcissists cut off people with no remorse as they are ready to move on to make makes them feel good. It isn’t all about abuse. I know your generation are obsessed with abuse and think it is abuse even when it isn’t. The me too movement has gone too far
A lot of times it's also their surroundings. sometimes their friends steer them straight to unhappiness because they're so called friends are not happy with themselves.
@@fransinclair3356 nice cope post, boomer LOL..whatever you do, avoid accountability at all costs.
@@MrSpaz27 and let’s not forget how you boomers made it a trend to throw your own parents into nursing homes. Sorry what were you saying about forming your own cycle? LOL! What ye sow ye shall reap. And now it is reaping season for the boomers
🍿😂👍
For all you adult estranged children; Do you realize we as parents, are the first generation where it took both parents to work to make a living? We have had to figure out how to manage our life styles while working outside the home. That in itself was a challenge. So if you think that we were not "perfect " enough while you were growing up you should give your parents some slack. One day don't be surprised if your children will learn to treat you the same way that you are modeling for them.
Very well said.
Great comment and sensible. Helped me alot thankyou.
No because my parents were a single income couple and had plenty of opportunities to beat me near to death multiple times a month, pay fancy lawyers every time CPS dragged them to court, take out all their aggression on me, blame me for things literally out of my control to the point I literally believed it was my fault...
I initially left because I genuinely thought everything was my fault and they'd be better off without me. It wasn't until I did that that I met people who would be horrified when I nonchalantly talked about my childhood and made me realize that shit wasn't normal and was fucked up.
Thanks to things like the Facebook algorithm and them making new account on every social media platform and having stuff like podcasts and being influencers now I still hear what they say. They say that it's my selfishness and entitlement why I left, that I never appreciated what they did for me, that I care only about myself, that I blame them for things that never happened or that were out of their control. But I have plenty of physical scars, court records, medical issues, etc to prove otherwise.
In the case of family estrangement, it's almost always a case where one side lets emotions dictate their reality and the other uses reality and the evidence thereof dictate their emotions. Which side are you?
In my case, its that my parents refused to take accountability for anything. I followed their advice and encountered failure after failure only to be met with a ‘you didnt try hard enough’ , instead of a ‘sorry my advice sucks.’ I got tired of it, put up with it until I was 30 and left and started my own life. TBH I shouldve done it at 18 but I was giving them the benefit of the doubt.
My situation was different. My dad was always too busy with his career and was emotionally unavailable. My mom never wanted a daughter to begin with, she only wanted a son. You can imagine her reaction when I was born, she was not pleased. She rarely showed me love/affection during my childhood. My younger brother is her favorite child. I'm 36yrs old now. She doesn't even acknowledge the abuse that was inflicted on me, nor has she ever apologized to me for how she treated me. I actually chose to never have kids because I don't want to continue the generational trauma.
Its unwise to not acknowledge that children can also be toxic and manipulative people. Its not always the parent.
And who raised the kids?
I don’t think it’s appropriate to call it an “epidemic” bc that suggests this is a bad thing. It’s not. The sooner people accept that there is nothing special about parents, the easier it will be to understand where the rest of us are coming from. Parents are just people who laid up and made a baby. That’s literally it. Nothing special, intelligent, unique, etc. They just procreated -- like 99.9% of mammals on planet earth. So, there is nothing they are entitled to bc of it. And those of us in Western societies have avenues that allow us to live completely independently from our parents. Basically, All you have to do is get a good enough paying job to take care of yourself and replace your social network with spouse, friends, etc. and you can pretty much have your own separate life. We are way past the mark of operating on this b.s. cultural demand of “duty”. No one owes anyone anything and you are not entitled to have a relationship with someone, including your children. If people expect love, compassion, and bonds, they should actually be likeable people and exemplify the kind of character that warrants that regard. You aren’t going to just get things out of life and from people just bc you exist, wtf
Leaving to Iraq no visits, didn't say anything, 15 months in Iraq no letters didn't say anything, 12 months learning how to walk again, no hospital visits, didn't say anything... I finally have a family of my own, I dress my 2 year old as a dinosaur for Halloween now I love the devil....that was my breaking point... I hope everyone finds their own peace.
Any children here ?😢
With regards to the title's question, its very likely because their parents did something bad.
Unfortunately, even human rights violations against children are extremely common in even the safest of countries! Shit like that is why I barely trust parents compared to children.
Name ONE perfect parent who has not "don't something bad". You do realize that those people you disparage were children, right? So according to you, the instant you become an adult, you are the one in the wrong. That applies to you too. You didn't think of that, did you?
relationships work two ways - not one way. If the child can't step up to the table as an adult and take responsibiltiy for themselves then there is not relationship and it's better for both parties that a seperation takes place. That the children just leave over such insanely selfish reasons is really on them ... are they trying to punish their parents? it would seem so looking at the other comments to this video. That they do not value their parents and the role the parents play in their lives - again that's on them and it is better they leave. This whole idea that it's the parents fault is total rubbish. Sure there are a very small minority who have genuine complaint - but most of the children are ac;tually narcissists - they type seen in two year olds - they are infantalised at school and taught and rewarded for narcisistic behaviours, It's the ultimate communist distruction of the familiy that started with sending mothers out to work.
Well cry babies - you have not parents and maybe you will bully them into subimmiting to your will, maybe you won't - either way you have destroyed what is the single most important relationship you'll ever have - it's gone - you can never get it back. And whilst the choice you may have is to remain in a narcissistic state, it will haunt you in the small hours when you can't sleept, it will be the cause of your inabilbity to form mature relationships with others, and it will result in utter distaster should you ever have your own children.
the best way out of it is to eat humble pie, grow up, be an actual adult - and apologise. Because it there is one thing that is absolutely true for thousands of years, your submission to your parents is the ONLY viable relationship dynamic that can work for your own future happiness in relationships
You do not have inherent value as a parent. Judging by this comment, your children made the right choice cutting you off. You are unsalvageable and it is very sad.
@NovaMeteora actually parents do have inherent value - actual seriously abusive parents thst require total discomnection from are extremely rare.
For idiots like you who think that your parents faults as humans warrents your judgement of them as abusive even though you have no life experience is utterly staggering - and I know that is the case with you because people who really are abused are not on these type of brainwashing videos being told they are victims and parents are evil (OMG - the con is so obvious) - sadly the point in time you find out how inherantly valuable your parents are it will be too late... they will have moved on, they will never trust you again - and even though they will try to compromise and do what they can to have some sort of relationship with - you will see it in their eyes what you did, you will feel them holding back. You will make excuses about how justified you were and you will convince others to make yourself feel better - but your heart will know you destroyed something precious.
Maybe we're becoming more intelligent and honest, more independent and responsible, healthier and safer, more civilized, respectful and peaceful.
The problem isn't you or the other person (not shame) the problem are the terms and conditions.
I don't understand these 20's and 30 YO adult children. They are so quick to blame all their issues on their parents. It's never there fault, it's always the parents. Yes, there are really bad parents out there and some of these adult kids should discontinue contact for good reason. My contention is the vast majority of estranged parents where not perfect parents (who is) and don't deserve the abuse, disrespect and estrangement from their adult kids. I know lots of 20's and 30's people who are floundering through life. Obese, or broke, lazy, can't hold a job, etc. It's their parents fault, not theirs. I know other folks in that age range who had terrible abusive childhoods who put themselves through college, have great careers and nice family's of their own. It's too easy for people to take no ownership in their own failings. It's everyone else's fault.
With this epidemic of child estrangement, comes parents giving their kids the middle finger to their estranged kids and happily leaving them nothing in their wills. My cousin was an off/on shit to his father for decades. Well, the father died and the cousin was actually shocked he was left nothing. I agreed with his father's decision. Why leave a nice chunk of change to a son who show'd no respect, care or concern for his father.
It's too easy for people to take no ownership in their own failings.
He was probably waiting for his dad to die anyways
Nice cope post boomer. Hate to break it to you but nobody cares about inheriting your leftovers. The younger generations aren’t as materialistic and greedy as yours..we had to get by with less due to the hyperinflation economy you left us. That’s one inheritance you boomers sure don’t mind leaving behind ehh? LOL!
If multiple of your grown children are not talking to you, you're the common denominator.
@@mamagherbear7082Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
#3 i guess. I cant get a answer. Its odd that right after she started therapy she cut me off.
Bullshit. She gave you a reason and you brushed it off saying "you didn't have it bad" or "I'm sorry I wasn't perfect"
@@bafelix89 sometimes - they don't know the reason. It's just easier to not talk about anything and leave people behind. Karma. Mark my words, what goes around, comes around. THEIR CHILDREN WILL DO THE EXACT SAME THING TO THEM.
@@sallydeppe8575 nice story you made up to make yourself feel better
@sallydeppe8575 sounds like something someone who can't take responsibility would say
@@bafelix89 I've seen some of their comments, their kids (yes! MULTIPLE!!!! LMAO) went no contact with them. I think that says enough about who they are as a person if MULTIPLE OF YOUR KIDS aren't talking to you 🤣
It sounds like the parents are being blamed for everything in this video. It is quite one sided. There are many more reasons than the ones stated why children stop having a relationship with their parent/s. Sometimes the adult child IS at fault. Sometimes personalities clash and people just can’t get along. Or there are mental health issues on either side. I would say, if you have done everything you can to reconcile with your child to no avail, please try not to feel guilty, forgive yourself for the past and try to move on with your life. Because we only have one life.
I agree. Parents are not always as bad as modern phsychologist want to say
Exactly
No, it's self entitlement.
If the adult child at fault and chooses to leave. How does that make sense. If the child was the problem then why complain that they left.
Not always. My son is autistic and it's very common with autistic adult children to abandon one or both parents so it's not always cut and dry.@@dognextdoor
None of the things you mention are my 2 adult sons' problems. My youngest, I believe has a mental disorder cus he says things happened that did NOT. And his brother says they never happened. I've apologized 100 times to both, and when I ask what I have done, so I can be specific when I say I'm sorry, they can't point and more importantly, so I can STOP doing it. They learned to disrespect me from their biological father. Younger son, for years, would arbitrarily forbid me from seeing my grandson, just saying his actually medically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic wife, just plain didn't want me to. Last time we spoke, he yelled at me "Fvck you Mom" nearly a dozen times in front of HIS son and it was just because I asked a simple question. He has an anger issue too. The older son has forbid me from seeing his children, cus his wife doesn't want me in their life - jealousy. It's so completely hateful from my children. I have given up. It's time these two adults start forgiving me, their Mom, dfor what ever it is they imagine I've done so terribly wrong to them. And there is nothing.
Wow! These reasons are SO UNREASONABLE for a Mexican mother! Everything is about “me”. No respect for parents/elders. No wonder there are so many nursing homes! Why would a child want to take care of parents if THEY WERE TAUGHT TO CUT OFF PARENTS? This culture is SO non-family oriented. Very sad.
So glad you said this. Some adult offspring are bullies and it is not the fault of the parents actually. There are lots of different reasons- some genuine some not. Very sad indeed x
Agreed 💯
Before the internet and smartphones, this never happened . I live in the Midwest, and my children live in California. It's also got worse after my oldest son died. Their father remarried, and the respect we had for each other before doesn't exist anymore. I never talked bad about him to my children. They rarely send pictures of my grandchildren, unless I ask... 😢 I pray everything gets better for you. 🙏
@@Art_lover_4f4 I agree. Past decades, this not talking to parents, never happened. These grown adult kids think they are entitled to everything. My kids were absolutely loved and taught human decency - both of which they lack to me, their mom, but also to others. They have NO friends.
@@Art_lover_4f4 it absolutely happened before the internet. Be real
Im glad im n9t the only one oh shit ive been smiling all week i just found out last week im not the only one 😢 ive been no contact since 2022 it was inly this year i found clerity im 33 it feel betrayed angry deppressed and sad but finding out im not thr only one this has been the best ive felt in yesrs
Why? Because we want to be free of your relentless leeching of our livelihoods.
Adult child hanging onto grudges/anger about their childhood even after a parent took accountability and apologized over and over. Parents trying to accept that there is no closeness now, minimal effort on child’s part, no matter how much parent tries. Can’t force a relationship that’s not there.
It is unfortunate that some parents will remain estranged despite self reflection and several attempts to re-connect, but put it this way, if a convenience store scammed you out of £10, would you ever shop there again?
@@invertedwdg3925 Lol we are talking about parent child relationships not a convenience store. Your comment epitomizes the problem with society and youth today. Encouraged to cut people out of your life for 'traumas'.
@@tesseract2365 And your comment tells us exactly why your children aren't speaking to you.
What do you do when your adult child has no grasp on reality because they are using psychedelic mushrooms (in quantities enough that would "kill them if it was another drug," that according to my son) and believe events that never actually happened in their childhood happened? What if they angrily blame you for things that never happened at all, or that never happened the way the drug is telling them to remember them? How do you have a rational conversation with an irrational person who sees nothing dangerous in their use of this drug?
Wow. That's exactly what my youngest son is like, except for the drugs. He imagines all kinds of things happened that did NOT. I've sent mine birthday gifts, every few months I text, simply, "thinking about you today. Love Mom." Never a response. I've given up. The blame goes to social media that supports bad behaviour and lies, lies, lies about everything.
That’s funny. My mother says this exact same thing except I don’t do drugs and I remember perfectly well.
Interesting …. Your video didn’t consider the other reasons ; a adult child struggling with addiction and mental illness ! If I had a choice I won’t have become a parent very painful
But you did choose to be a parent and you failed at it. Take responsibility and stop blaming your child for your shortcomings as a parent.
@@ravenclaw783if her kid is an addict there’s not much she can actually do.
@FlaviusConstantinus306 but why is the kid an addict? That doesn't come from nowhere...
@@zr9145 👏👏👏👏
Narcissistic abuse mostly
Reason number one is a bit misleading, I am a victim of parental alienation from both sides but their coercement never really weighed on me, I was able to see their true character for myself as a child based on the values that they preached and if they way they acted on them. My parents split up when I was 6 so i knew that they both had solid biases and being between them I would still have my own private opinion on how I viewed their character without how they wanted me to view eachother. I will say that this isn’t always the case and I can be easier for some kids to be persuaded depending on the circumstance. Adults also forget how tough a child’s mind can be and an imprinted love can outweigh their words against one another. It’s mostly the action of the parent directly on the child where the child is hurt.
Estrangement isn’t anything new the only new thing is most blame the parents nowadays. This newer generation are quite self serving and is all about me and I think older generations find it selfish and there is that difference as the world used to be very caring and helpful towards loved ones but it has become more about feeling good in the moment which is sad 😢
Phone works both ways...
Oh yes it does. I'm done calling, I think they get off on not answering the phone. I saw it happen before when they cut my aunt off when her father was dying. Wouldn't let her see or speak to him for 40 days.
It's a sick dynamic, and I'm in therapy to get better. Nobody is willing to work on themselves, it is what it is.
Can't even express if something hurts your feelings, you get shot and shut right down. Emotional cripples.
I get tired playing catch with mannequins...
Dont let the door hit em in the ass...
This is not what studies say. You literally made stuff up to appeal to your audience. You told them what they want to hear (lies) instead of actual facts. Which will just perpetuate this "epidemic".
Which studies are you referring to? (I’m genuinely interested.)
Very lopsided anti parent video. 👎🏼
@@DrMaikaSteinborn I responded to your comment almost immediately after you asked the question. Is there a reason you didn't approve the comment to be shown?
I didn't see your answer, not sure what happened there... I don't use the "approve of comments first" function, they get posted right away... Sometimes TH-cam deletes comments automatically, if they includes links. Did you inlcude links? If yes, it could help if you post the answer again without links... I'd still be interested in the study references, if you'd like to share them...
You clearly are trying to pick a fight. Opinion discarded.
The women in the comments section don't sound so tough now 😂😂 what happened? Angry at being abandoned? Very good. Who's the loser now? But anyways, "cry till ya succeed" and good luck 😂😂
This is ridiculously one-sided as if the child is the victim and one of your explanations
Most of the time they are a victim
@@desserteyes6978 Womp womp.
Your denial will not fix your relationship with them.
Maybe the child is a narcissist and everything has to be their way even if the parents bend over backwards to Maintain a very difficult relationship with them. As long as they can use you, for instance babysitting, they are very happy with you. They can be disrespectful but you are not tolerated if you say anything they don't like. Please understand that this personality also exists and parents should not keep blaming themselves for no good reason.
💯%
Where did the child learn narcissism from? You just admitted that you failed to raise your child
Maybe they’re just selfish and can’t cope with anything
Maybe you normalized crazy and your kids don’t
@@desserteyes6978 Maybe you put your trauma on everyone else and can't, or won't, see you own faults. Good luck in life.
Sometimes adult children break contact because of the shame and guilt they carry for things they have done, not for what the parent has done.
Incorrect
If you as the child feel shame to the point you have to disappear, think about why. Children should feel safe with their parents and be able to come to them with their shame ,lay it bare and get support. That’s a parents job.
But what if your parent turns your vulnerable moments into jokes, tells your ‘stories’ to others for attention or entertainment value? What if instead of being heard and understood, then guided and supported through difficulty you were left feeling even more alone and raw? Then yes, absolutely stop taking your vulnerable self to people who treat you roughly.
And if you have kids of your own you probably want to shield them from feeling the way you always did, so that’s even more reason.
Shame should never keep kids away from healthy good parents. Too bad so many adult kids can not trust their parents anymore and have to hide parts, if not all of their lives from them.
For example?
Lol lol
You are WRONG!
6:54 ❤
I bet vast majority of those who cut off parents are under 30 (not fully mature yet). In my experience younger generations are not good at real communicating (texting is there preferred way to converse) and view “ghosting” as an appropriate and normal practice.
@@Joeeeeeeey628 This is what we call a "cope".