Is This Estranged Mom Gaslighting? Therapist Reacts!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.ค. 2024
- Why are so many people triggered by this video from the @estrangedparents channel? Is this mom entitled or narcissistic in what she says? Therapist reacts to this emotional video.
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#estrangedparents #therapistreacts #mentalhealth #gaslighting #narcissisticparent #estrangement #cutoffparents #nocontact #guilttrip
How do you feel hearing this mom's story?
I saw that video quite a while ago and to be honest I was horrified that she put that video up - I really do not know how putting a video up was going to help her and her husband be reconciled with her daughter by doing that. I sensed typical narcissim operating (by the parents). I feel very disturbed by the music played in the video (violins) and felt like it was highly manipulative. I have been deeply affected by narcissistic abuse over many years (not by my parents) so the whole video reeked of narcissistic manipulation. If you listen carefully to what she says throughout there are many other red flags too. I could be wrong of course but that was my genuine gut sense and I have learnt the hard way that listening to your gut sense is mostly the only way you can SEE through someone who is behaving with narcissism.
@@Mrs-Resell I think people recognized a lot of signs that they had seen in their own lives, and the editing and music definitely were pushing a certain perspective. Like I said, they are telling their own story, so I don't begrudge them that, but it can feel deeply manipulative to many people
@@Mrs-Resell, I feel the same. 💜
@@Mrs-ResellAgreed! If I were her daughter, I would never feel invited to reconnect. Instead I would feel encouraged to stay away. It's all about the mum. "Admitting I'm feeling a grudge was hard, because that's not who I am". After line after line full of grudge 😮
@@Therapy2DayYeah she's telling her side of the story and has every right to do so. But unfortunately with little to none self-insight. It's quite repulsive to me. I feel for her though. She's clearly hurting
"When she talked to us she sounded like a robot."
That is called gray-rocking. It is the a common survival tactic when talking to a narcissist. You give them as little ammunition as possible with which to hurt you.
@@mestillme3026 my first thought was that she is also on the autism spectrum and She may no longer be masking. I think you are right though!
@@mestillme3026 that's fascinating I never knew there was a term for that
That's what this is? I've done this so much it's affected me to this day even after my shitty mother died. I don't know how to turn the mode of coping off.
@@kerrilea73she turned out to be. Autistic/ADHD children are disproportionately more abused than the average child. And when you are a neurodivergent everything is your fault especially to a narcissist. So they have to develop techniques like grey rocking to make the abuse less severe.
I had no idea there was a word for this.
My abusive mother is extremely manipulative and will absolutely use any bit of information she can against you.
I’ve had her deduce information from me when I just give one or two-word answers based on my tone of voice or body language, then use that information against me or someone I care about.
So as a kid I learned to protect myself by speaking in a monotone, keeping my face blank, and not moving my body. As a kid I had to use it strategically because she knew I was doing it deliberately and it would make her fly in to a rage. But as an adult I could do it on the phone, then hang up on her if she started screaming at me.
I also would use it when I felt like I had to talk to her, but I also felt like talking to her was going to send me in to a panic attack. It acted as a defensive wall.
One of the most freeing things about going no contact is that I don’t have to do that anymore.
As a parent, being estranged from my oldest son for 5 years. If you truly love your child and want them in your life, you look at how you contibuted to the loss. If you just want your child because you think they owe you that, you dont deserve it. I made changes and even though i dont know why this womans problems were, self reflection is the beginning. We are all close again. I have a good relationship with all 3 of my adult children. And my 3 grandchildren. It starts with you .
Yep! If I hurt my son I do ANYTHING to make it right. My mom is abusive
I wish my mom would do this too. Makes my heart happy to know what is possible with self-reflection and am grateful your self-reflection led to a healed relationship. That's what I want with my mom more than anything but can't make her look inwards and it won't get better until she does. Thank you for giving me hope nonetheless! 🫶
You’re an inspiration
Thank you
May I be so bold, to ask about what you ‘changed’.
I wish I could heart the original comment a million times!!
My mom and I were estranged and low contact for quite a few years, until my sisters started having mental health problems as well. She went to therapy and broke the cycle, and now she's been wonderfully supportive as I deal with my NDad having dementia. I thank God every day that we both went to therapy and healed, because having a step dad and my mom on my side has made it possible for me to extract myself from my birth fathers toxicity. Turns out she divorced him for the same reason I resigned as his guardian: We were always wrong, he was always right, he never saw his part in it and he was never going to change. Quite different than his lie of, "She did it to teach me a lesson".
Being able to reconnect with an estranged parent after we both went through therapy and put the work in is definitely something I will forever be grateful for. I'm sure your oldest son feels the same ❤
My abusive narcissistic mom ALWAYS says, "I'm not perfect". I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for respect.
I wasn't asking for perfection I was asking for "not abusive". I guess that's too much of an ask...
Well said
exactly, im not perfect is their go- to excuse for abuse. ive heard it so many times
Thank you! I am screenshotting this and want to make it my mantra. Amen for this comment.
Yeah. I'm not asking for perfect. I'd be happy with them saying they are honestly sorry and seeing they are honestly trying to be better (even if they made mistakes, if I just felt they were trying, I'd be happy with it)
“I can’t make her…
I can’t make her…
I can’t make her…”
Exactly.
She’s trying though - pulling out all the tactics. I almost fell for her tears until I realized the daughter probably tried to talk to them for years and finally had to just stop for her own mental sanity. IMO, unless a therapist has been through this type of abuse they shouldn’t take on clients who are going through it. There is so much dog whistling and covert abuse going on
Yeah - so after two years of NC, maybe Mom is beginning to realize that she can't in fact just boss her daughter around and make her feel what she wants her to feel, when she wants her daughter to feel it.
But what mom can do is go see a therapist but she won’t.
@@gitchygitchyyaya Completely off topic but your handle has me singing "Lady Marmalade." :-) Thank you!
@@LillyMarchant hahahaha yw!
When the mother admits that she found her TikTok, made a snide comment about her content, and showed her cyberstalking on the couch, you have to translate this through the lens of toxic narcissism,, she is letting her daughter know " I am watching you, I found you!" It is her exerting control and trying to trigger her daughter. My NPD mother emailed my previous employer to tell them about how awful I was to cut her out. I have been in NC for over ten years. This is pure gossip disguised as concern, it was her saying, " I found you and I will humiliate and smear you into a reaction!" Lucky for me, my employer saw right through it and helped me with a Cease and Desist.
Great employer.
@barbaralindhjem2488 she was. She knew immediately without me even explaining my situation.
Ad soon as the mom said that, I said OUT LOUD "You're crossing a boundary. You are crossing a boundary."
And the mom just.... couldn't even try to see it from the child's perspective.
My mom did this with every employer I had until I finally went to companies without general switchboards. I'm glad you finally escaped as well!
My mother has written these letters as well, to my partners, to my friends, anyone who might be supportive of me.
I’m glad you have support.
The way she talks down about the child she wants back.
Cuz she doesn't actually want her daughter to "come back" she's just furious she's lost control and wants to make her daughter look bad.
@@SjofnBM1989bingo
@@SjofnBM1989 do you know this first hand?
She wants supply! She does not want a relationship. She wants to extract pain and humiliation.
Yeah the very fact that she put this video into the universe, knowing that it will find its way to her daughter, is a scorched earth move. So manipulative.
The fact that she never actually read the book that was supposed to help her get her daughter back... because she found fault with the author's recommendations... says it all.
"it required too much contrition"
You mean you couldn't say you were sorry? Like I can apologize even when I KNOW for a fact I'm right, why can't you? Super telling.
And she admitted that she doesn't want to be contrite and doesn't want to take blame. No personal responsibility, no humility.
Yeah, that says A LOT. Like she put all this effort into making this video. Way more than reading a book, nevermind self reflecting.
Not necessarily. If the author approaches the topic with a strong bias towards the rejecting child.
@@stevenhuntley8706 Most people can't or won't do that. It feels too wrong.
My child went no contact. So I respected her boundaries and go to therapy. No matter what, I was the adult - my part is huge and alot to unpack. I am still working on me. We both need this time.
So glad you are pursuing therapy, I wish for healing for both of you❤️
@@down-to-earth-mystery-school thank you. It's good tobe seen.
That’s the right attitude! You are open to therapy and working on accountability unlike this woman. Good luck on your journey.😊
@@judymurray191 thank you
I would have given anything if my parents had gone to therapy! Instead I repeatedly got that useless "we did the best we could" followed by a half smile. (Even they didn't believe themselves).
"I did everything i could" except actually listen to what the daughter had to say.
🤷♂️
How can she do that when her daughter refuses to speak to her? How do you know the daughter even tried?
@@neuroticnation144 I think a lot of people are speaking from their experiences of trying to communicate before going no contact
@@neuroticnation144you're right, the daughter is possessed by satan and gave no signal that anything was wrong. You're so smart. Was it the sad violin music that tipped you off to who the real victim was? 😂
@@neuroticnation144she sent the email about her feelings and the mother ignored everything her daughter said.
Why air out and expose your family issues with your daughter?? It’s an attempt to control her from afar. A public humiliation attempt.
If direct contact won't do the trick, rally the whole internet behind your cause! Little did she realize the internet could see right through her.
Exactly. It's spew worthy.
To garner sympathy, and thus attention for herself. And yeah, also to violate the daughter's boundaries and enlist the chronically online to be her flying monkeys.
I wonder how many takes she did of herself crying, before she got just the right one for this production.
Yup!
@@m0L3ifyNOW people can SEE thought her, before we didnt Even have a term for gasligh, is now that FINALLY narcissist abuse is consider abuse, for the longest time this people thrive using people and them blame them for reacting .... Víctim blaming was the norm, like how women were blamed for being raped ... what did You do ??? What did You wear ..... Being the ungrateful kid was the norm, not thenfather or mother were never blame....i'm glad information is a way to avoid this people
Her daughter didn't go on youtube to shame her mother, but her mother had to do the public smear champaigne. This indicates to me that mum has serious issues. Mum needs to go to therapy.
No she didn't and I can already tell you have no children.She didn't say her name or her work or anything that you would know.
So the adult child gets to cope by cutting her parents out of her life because she's a victim of all of their supposed horribleness, but the parents are not allowed to cope by the means that they need to by being cut out of their own child's life. Way to play the perpetual victim.
The narcissistic mom dropped many clues about her daughter. She is easily found on TikTok. Narcissistic mom also did NOT reveal a single complaint her daughter had about her. Only the complaints SHE had about her daughter. She’s not gaslighting me for a moment! Been there done that.
*campaign, dear, not champagne 🥂🍾
Definitely a sign of guilt on the mom's part, she needs other ppl to tell her she's right after hearing her very one sided version of the story so she can convince herself that she's in the right and doesn't have to feel guilty about anything
The way she glossed and dismissed the daughter's letter at the beginning really hurt her credibility for me, tbh.
Yes! Her "narration" of the letter bugged me. 1. Mom chose this extremely childish voice to 'narrate' the letter. It's clearly not mom's voice. So she went out of her way to find some VERY childish voice to 'read' the letter.
2. Also, the 'little girl' voice narrating the letter is also garbled together so the words run over each other. Making it sound like a garbled mess is like the mom signalling "What I'm hearing is just 'blah blah blah. buzzword. blah blah.'"
3. Mom only includes tiny snippets of sentences in the letter. Not a single sentence or coherent thought of the daughter is acknowledged or portrayed in the narration. Again mom seems to portray it as "she threw out some buzzwords. 'gas-lit.' 'guilt-tripping' and some other blah-blah."
4. Mom claims 90% of the letter was about political differences. Yet none of that is in the snippets of the letter she narrated. Even if true, mom never addresses the 10% that she DID narrate from the letter: Daughter's feelings of being 'gas-lit' and 'guilt-tripped' for example.
The thing that struck me was that at no point was there anything said like “I don’t understand, but she must have been hurting”, or “I wonder how long she thought about cutting contact. How long had she been keeping things bottled up?” or “What signs did I miss? What could I have done differently?”
Nothing like that. Nothing. The video is a self-serving, daughter-bashing catharsis.
You are wrong. She's says so much more than is show in this review. You should watch the original video in it's entirety.
@@amytrenary8997 I watched it in its entirety, the original commenter is spot on.
@@amytrenary8997i saw her other unhinged, racist rants too. she's awful
I watched it and more of her videos as well. She never says anything like this in her original video. Absolutely nothing acknowledging her daughter's pain.
@@olliojenarter Yup. It's all about HER pain. It reads like she does not care for her daughter at all, as a separate human being. She only cares about what the daughter makes HER feel.
People ARE talking it through before cutting people off. I tried so many times to tell my parents exactly what was wrong, but nothing ever changed. They never apologized. They continued to be emotionally stunted and disrespectful of really basic boundaries. Abandoning them was showing up for myself.
@@GetOfflineGetGood yes that is true, I was advocating that on the parent side there needs to be good communication as well in terms of listening
Don't forget how trying to talk things through and work on things ends up leading to giving them more words to twist around and use as ammunition against you. Had the same experience with my father.
Same 🫂 mine would just completely ignore the emails or texts I sent about my feelings or ignore and suddenly want to talk about their childhood traumas. I'm all for being there for them but I can't do that when they are never there for me. Having emotions in my family is a cardinal sin, and I've got lots of em so F me 🤪
@whims6278 I recently heard the term "Dishonest Traquility" and I feel like it's an apt descriptor for where a lot of people's generational trauma comes from. The concept basically boils down to the expectation that those who have been traumatized by family members' actions need to keep quiet about it in order to "keep the peace" and maintain appearances. The commentary/critique was mostly aimed at Boomer parents, which tracks, but I'd also go as far and say Gen X is PLENTY guilty of it too. The worst thing to be in a dysfunctional family is a truth teller, because that just makes everyone who's been ok pretending that everything's fine is uncomfortable.
@@khaleesireyna731truth tellers become truth seers because tellers get punished.
“her birthday is very important day for ME too” “I buy MYSELF a present every year for her birthday too” really lady you have NO idea why your daughter won’t talk you?
I was hoping that she still bought her daughter a card or present for one day.
She’s lying.
She said she does that since her daughter went no contact as part of consoling herself
"Forgiveness for me. Forgiveness for Ted too. But mostly myself"
I do that* since she was born. *buying a present for myself on that day because I did so much.
Daughter: Don't contact me outside of emergencies. Mother: Contacts over and over again with nonsense. Daughter reacts with silence.
Mother informs Daughter about a funeral on zoom. Daughter attends. Mother: She attended an event where someone else should have been the focus, but we could not see her !!!
Mother: Contacts daughter bc of an emergency. Daughter calls. Mother : She did as I told her to, but it wasn't good enough!!!
Another funeral in the family. Mother doesn't inform daughter. Mother " She doesn't care who I am, what I think,etc"
Mother watches daughters TikTok and her success. Mother "We have been replaced! "
Mother watches TikTok about daughters 2 diagnosis. Mother : Nah, she was just a normal child to us....
Parents watch TikTok about what she learned (!) with the no contact. Mother:I can't understand her! Father: She doesn't care about us!
Honestly it sounds like a huge pity party.
She doesn't respect her daughters boundaries, nothing her daughter does is good enough (her cosplay is so questionable???) and the whole time she doesn't try to reflect on what went wrong. It's all about the mothers feelings, her perception, her reactions.
One doesn't need a lot of fantasy to find a reason why the daughter cut contact
Omg we have so many of the same thoughts! Totally!
The mother is also a Trump supporter, which isn't surprising. He speaks to narcissists' personality.
yup this sounds like a lot of me me me me I'm the victim
Yes this, omg I can't believe she wouldn't the daughter know the grandfather died and then had the audacity to be like "she didn't care"
So well put.
Things i saw.
1. Ignoring boundaries
2. Being unwilling to take accountability
3. Assuming their child's feelings and beliefs
4. Expectation of affection.
5. Neglect (I have never met a kid with both ADHD and Autism make it through school without the school encouraging more support so i have to assume they ignored or blamed her for any school related difficulties. I say this as a special education teacher.)
6. Lack of acceptance. Her coaplay is frowned upon as are her choices and how she behaves when interacting with family. Was she a "robot" on the call perhaps because she was too stressed to mask and fake her affection?
Anyway, i get it, and parents fyi, kids owe you nothing they didn't ask to be born that was your choice.
She is in denial 😂 the mom is hopeless
Add the public smear campaigne and shaming. Yuk. This woman is aweful.
It's easy to hide things when you're quiet and masking yourself to the ground. 😅 I didnt know I had adhd until my adult years. Wouldve been so nice to know- wouldve explained my hyperactivity then. Even then my mom didn't think mental disorders were anything to fuss about. Just a smack and everything should be fixed. She didn't even know kids had stress until I came around and told her, and I was her fourth and last daughter!
I was a teen mom and have heard that phrase I didn’t ask to be born and I consider it to be slut shaming for deciding to give birth!
@@CGuilby whoa, that sounds like you're projecting
Sending the daughter self-help books puts the problem clearly and fully on the daughter. Also, the feeling that she will "get over it" as if it is a silly phase totally belittles the daughter.
The lack of self reflection is astounding
"I just have to wait till she takes my abuse again, like it worked in the past" - it doesn't work, because she's an adult now - *surprised Pikachuface
Yes, my mother did this ''get help''. ''We're worried about you''. ''We love you but you can't treat us like this'' (this being a request to be heard. i'd asked that they stop labelling me paranoid and sensitive. They got all hurt, they were the victims of my request, i needed to apologise to them, my parents smeared me to the relatives, called me angry and aggressive, and meted out the silent treatment. As one of your commenters put it, i have never been invited to connect. i either accept that I owe them an apology or that's it f*****kkk off now
There were no books sent
I think she sent 'self improvement' links to her daughter without talking to daughter about daughter's initial email. If I put myself in her daughter's shoes, that would enrage me. Even if it seems to Dianne to be perfectly benign, it is condescending and dismissive as Hell. Yes, she definitely needs to go forward with more empathy.
The fact that she used a childish AI voice to read the daughter's letter is so telling. Her daughter is a grown woman, expressing her whole truth, but the mother only hears a child being whiney. I really hope her daughter has the peace she needs to heal, despite her mother using the internet to attempt to shame and discipline her.
You really don't know what their situation is.
@@sarahwales6276 You can't hear that she's characterizing her adult daughter as a whiney child? Fascinating.
The mocking! I can’t.
@@sarahwales6276 she sounds a lot like my mom. I have a pretty good idea of just how noxious she is (ps: her other videos are racist and unhinged)
@@sarahwales6276
No. YOU don’t know. Speak for yourself. We have eyes. Maybe time to open yours.
What a piece of work.
This mother shows all the red flags for toxic parents.
She's still trying to control her daughter by cyber stalking, being derisive about her daughter's online content and making her little guilt trip vlog as showing her self up on line trying to shame her daughter in to contact.
This is manipulation and emotional blackmail and I really hope the daughter has seen it and laughed her ass off as it's a spectacular example of ALL her mother's tactics.
She totally disrespects her daughter's final survival boundary so I'd say she's never respected any boundaries her daughter has put forth.
She has no empathy what so ever and feels she is entitled to unconditional love from a child she blatantly medically and emotionally neglected.
Her daughter is not quite 30 and I'd put money on the fact that school picked up on her issues but this family didn't give a toss.
I should imagine the daughter was ridiculed, shamed and criticised for her problems and infantilised to a point that she stopped communicating all together but was given 0 care and understanding.
Daughter has employed grey rocking so clearly has a therapist who is helping her cope with her 'blameless' parents. The parents try to make her out to be terrible but you reap what you sew.
I am glad this child didn't completely loose all self respect and had the strength to cut these people off because the alternative is mental breakdown and suicide.
Also, blaming Female Autism Masking for her parents 'not knowing' is outright BS as when you care about someone you can see them.
Blaming FAM is also epically counter productive and lazy on the part of any therapist.
And now on to Forgiveness. It's really easy to forgive your self when you're a total narcissist who has never 'done a days wrong or ever hurt anyone.'
Children crave their parents love, support and pride, they don't go no contact easily even when horrifically abused.
modern children having the internet as an initial resource so they can learn to spot red flags is all for the good and 27% of them going no contact just proves how much parents think they can get away with and how much they have been getting away with historically.
I agree with everything you say except to say that it’s easy to miss neurodivergence in girls- I missed my daughter’s ADHD as I didn’t know what to look for. Now I know what it looks like in girls, I’m quick to spot it in my students.
The fact that so many women get diagnosed with ASD/ADHD these days is testament to it being hard to see sometimes. ☺️
Well written.
Daughter: I’m leaving because you support a r a c I s t, grapist, SA predator of over 25 people, a misogynist, thief, liar, homophobe, transphobe and criminal.
Diane: I have no idea why she left.
Also the Father is very culpable here. Sharing the same sentiment as his wife
@@EH23831 how can it be hard to see?
@@EH23831yeah it’s not hard to see. It was obvious. Adults were not adequately informed and children suffered immensely. No excuses.
@@iamz_mbie each child presents differently and girls’ ADHD can look different to boys’ presentations. If you are looking for the boys’ presentation, you can miss what it looks like in girls. Also, girls can mask their symptoms as they are more eager to please the adults around them.
I owe you because when i was a baby you didn’t let me choke to death.
yeah, that was a really telling thing to bring up. this chick is bordering narcissism
Right!
Isn't that just insane. I think the daughter was an accessory for this mom, like a Paris Hilton purse dog. There is no love coming from her. She's just playing the part of a mom, for show. When she's being filmed with the daughter, she's concerned about how she looks. You can tell there is no real love there.
@@JoannaVancouver nope, none
Gah! This!
One thing that I find so frustrating about a lot of these estranged parents conversations is that it would be so easy for so many of these parents to take the first step to fixing their relationships. Because even though the narrative is "I did my best." the actual problem is how you are interacting with your adult children NOW. If you are dismissing everything your child says about your present relationship, then there comes a point when it's pointless to keep trying to communicate.
I don't even need to resolve the childhood stuff. I just want them to now treat me with the respect I am asking for as an adult. But even that is just too hard because they want to be boundary-breakers. It's really tragic tbh.
Literally just "I'm sorry" would go so far
Exactly, I’ve forgiven my parents for being flawed when I was little, but now, how they show up now matters. We’re all flawed but are we trying to do better in every moment?
This lady has no self-awareness or empathy for her daughter.
good point they struggle with there child being an adult and that new dynamic. when she cries abd says "I think we really did do our best" she's saying because her daughter has stopped contact doesn't mean they didn't just the relationship isn't working for there daughter, they need to speak and listen. I've realised ppl are unable to hear what some is saying. I've spoke to my grandparents a d wrote letters and neither forms of communication they hear me they just go back to "that's in the past" obviously everything is more complicated like that as I had undiagnosed selective mutism as a child and shitload of shame which I just recognised at 37 that's wgst that feeling is , that takes a lot of work abd therapy which I'm having on and off for 7tears I wish it was something I could ignore and move on. I don't have partners snd 1 friend but if I had a partner and kids maybe I could let these things past, but as I find forming relationships so difficult it's something I've had to go back in time abd comb through to move on. and if. how they are brings all that shame and low self esteem back and I go bk to feeling a helpless child which is why I leave them alone for a bit. it's really hard to explain that
@@GetOfflineGetGoodthey can't say sorry because they really don't know what they did wrong, they really don't remember the past like we do.
Yeah no one autistic has ever heard "you sound like a robot." Good frigging job mom!
I feel like that one's right up there with "you just need to focus more!" when it comes to ADHD, like thanks, now I'm cured!
When each of our parents died my brother who is high functioning ASD just said "oh" and went about doing what he was going to do. I knew it was part of the ASD but it still hurt me that he seemed to not care about parents who did everything they could for him before ASD was a diagnosis. He knew every game of the Red Sox as far back as the years before he was even born. Players, statistics, win/lose, he was my "human calculator " my math is about a second grade level even being a chiropractor. I miss that. He was my family. ❤
@@SuperDrLisa was?
As soon as I heard the mother say that about her daughter, I thought, ‘this is exactly the way that your reply as parents likely sounded to your daughters asking about why you would support a grapist SA predator criminal (Trump)’
‘Well we’re just good old fashioned republicans that believe in the bible and god done dunnit and murca’ the brave’.
🤦♀️
I assumed the daughter was grey rocking during the phone call with her dad and that's why the mom said she sounded like a robot
I’m a 50 year old mother who cut ties with my mother years ago. I watched this woman’s video last year and was struck by how little she honored her daughter’s boundaries and how extremely selfish she is.
It doesn’t matter if this woman thinks she was a “good parent,” she needs to understand that might not have been her daughter’s experience. I commented on her video that she only considers her own feelings in this situation, not once does she have any introspection regarding her own behavior, and that her daughter doesn’t owe her anything.
Would I be devastated if my children cut contact? Absolutely!. The difference is that I would spend my time listening to my children’s complaints and making changes in MY behavior, because that’s what I can control and fix. In my own life, I have made significant changes in myself and have been rewarded with a closer relationship and connection with my children.
This woman is completely focused on what her daughter is “doing to her,” instead of facing her own actions that may have been the cause of her feeling the need to break contact.
I severed contact with my own mother because she is just like this woman. She believes she was a “good parent” and refuses to even acknowledge that was not my experience. In her mind, much like this woman, she has no responsibility whatsoever.
Yes exactly. My moms only response to my 5 letters was.. "I was a VERY good mother. Cant believe you wanna treat your own mother this way!?"
Queue the violins
Yup. Totally agree, as a daughter who has had to make extremely difficult decisions to save myself.
I guess even if she did have introspection, you can't very well express your mistakes to someone who doesn't want to talk to you now can you? So saying that she lacks introspection is just an assumption not a fact.
@@yvonneshaub6111 ma’am, I am 50 years old and have had the SAME mother for all 50 years. Do you not know your own mother? After 50 years, I can tell you how my mother behaves because I have 50 dang years of experience with her. Saying that the woman on the video lacks introspection is also obvious because I have ears and eyes. Zero assumptions needed for either situation.
What do you think you’re offering here with this comment other than unwarranted criticism and judgement? I’m going to *assume* that more people are lacking introspection besides the two women I was talking about.
yes, i'm so closer to her age than to her daughter's! But i think her behaviour is terrible. Her daughter doesn't get to have feelings. The daughter's feelings are ''anger'' and Diane is SAD. ie, the victim. Argh
Annoying, emotionalizing music and crying into the camera. Yeah, that's the current trend all over social media. I don't have sympathy for any of these people. Be they young or old. All they want is attention.
@@docmacabre I can see how you would respond that way. It definitely feels dramatized
@@Therapy2Day The main issue I have with this is that it desensitizes people. And that ultimately leads to people not taking others seriously even when they're being honest/not attention-seeking. Ah well... The internet. It's both a blessing and a curse.
@@docmacabre I see what you mean by that, when it seems a little too played up to elicit emotion
I 87% expected her to whip out a ukulele
You nailed it.
Instead of reaching out and offering to go to therapy or get more clarity, this mom dismisses and disrespects her daughter’s wishes. She calls her letter an “angry outburst.” She cannot fathom that she is a huge part of the problem. I’m older than this woman so it’s not a generational thing. Her arrogance is astounding.
I agree. The woman sounds like a gaslighter
A true narcissist. I know. My mother is the same and Im 66 and have gone no contact with her so not generational
@@great-garden-watch Same! I'm 23. I went no contact a few months ago.
You didn't read the letter. How are you certain it was not an angry outburst?
@@PS-qn4ozit's not an "angry outburst" to try to explain how she feels to her parents. It's not like the parents have to agree with every point but if they want answers to WHY their daughter is estranged ot is in that letter. By dismissing her honest feelings as an "angry outburst" is a failure to actually care about her experiences and needs.
Audacity of her sending self help stuff to her daughter.. and the guilt trip of "i saved you from choking as a child" like yeah that's what a parent does.
Audacity is a good word
My aunt did this to me. She sent me a few books and videos for self help. It was so insulting. I took a big step and told her why I avoided certain family members and she called me immature and a few awful names. She wants me to "get over it" by reading those books...
@@Elemmiire098because she’s a secret keeper and turns that ‘blind eye’ to toxicity. It proves how deeply fearful she really is. It’s fear that rules lives-all of us in many ways. It’s meant as a PARTNER not a leader. There’s also an ‘attitude’ about being a snitch, or staying out of grown folks business. We want freedoms and deny putting in the work often. We can all benefit in understanding and knowing it’s a two way street. We can’t lose faith in our ability to heal! Blessings of Love 🙏🏻❤️😉
The choking thing hit me hard. I mean, what else would a parent do ? Nothing ? Let their child choke to death ? Pretty sure that could send you to the slammer 🤦♀️
That's what anyone would do for any child in a flipping supermarket 🤷
"I took the book with me but I didn't read it"; "I scanned the book but it required too much contrition". She doesn't want to change and it doesn't sound like the wants to hear or listen to her child. A lot of ego, I think, too.
I see a mother hurting for herself and not worrying much about her daughter.
I can see that
What about seeing the mothers side , how a mom feels if she sincerely doesn’t know why the child doesn’t want to be connected to ? Yes of course the child has her rights to disconnect but that doesn’t take away the facts that a relationship has ended and for no apparent reason . How is a parent supposed to understand that ?
@@MS-gy7bk "No apparent reason"? 😄 The reason is quite obvious, if you watch the video. That mother is a narcissist that always blames someone else for her problems and when the other person has finally had it, goes into this martyr -mode which is seen in the video.
@@MS-gy7bk no apparent reason? He mother was vague for a reason. She knocked the letter and the reasons. If my child disconnected with me I would be worried about my child’s health and happiness much more than my own anger and feelings of abandonment.
@@MS-gy7bkshe wrote her mother an email explaining why. If she was a person with reasonable communication skills, I’m sure her daughter would have spoken to her rather than emailed. You mombies are insufferable!
I recently heard a therapist say that children will treat their aging parents in need the same way their aging parentes treated them when they were little and needed them.
If thats true then that means I will leave my mom with abusive family members.
@@JesusLightsYourPath I see it in my family.
I would never treat anyone the way my parents treated me. I’d rather go no contact or low contact
I will never be able to treat her the same way, that is why I left.
I was way better to my aging parents than they ever were to me or any of my siblings
My mother told me I was her ‘emotional support animal’. When I told her she was responsible for her own emotions, it was only a short time, and I cut off contact. My mental and emotional health has been much better with no contact. I’ve told my mother that if she actually tries, by going to therapy and addressing the issues I’ve communicated, we can try again. No answer, for years. Okay, I’m going to be with people who are emotionally mature and less needy.
You’re right. It’s not your job to support her emotionally. It’s her job to support you.
YOU WERE NOT GHOSTED! She told you, clearly, why she was dropping contact and why she felt unsafe around you. Ghosting is when it happens with zero warning and no explanation. You have your explanation; you just don't like it.
Also she did not do the best she could. She did the best she was willing to do, and her daughter decided that her mother's choices to neglect and dismiss her were not okay anymore. Good for her!
Love how the cat keeps reaching for that second hand - like "you got two hands, i want double cuddles" - Thank you for a sensible and sensitive analysis.
Haha what he and I think is supposed to be happening are very different
@@Therapy2DayI love his face, is he elderly?
I love your kitty, the purrs are priceless, very soothing. 🐈💕
@@nesxya it's a little different when I'm napping and suddenly he thinks it'd be nice to nap on my face and purr
@@Therapy2Day laugh 😂 Mine does that then she makes biscuits. I wake up feeling like a pin cushion. Then my old dog gets jealous and plunks down on my shoulder and tries to roll over both of us for stomach pets. Half the time I'm pushed off the bed onto the floor but I love it. I love them, wouldn't have it another way. I have to say, watching you and your kitty really brought joy to such a morbid contrite video. I watched her video last year. I left a common sense comment and the mother who made this video was rude. You are very generous and kind in your viewing of her. 😊
Kids don't really ghost their parents, really. They usually spend years and years and years trying to reason with them regarding boundaries and appropriate behaviour and what they need from them. And it all gets ignored. Then they start saying they'll have to cut contact or they become less present while voicing why. Until a point where they realise their parent will never change and even then they usually still voice they are going no contact. If you tell soleone you are going no contact and the reasons why, it's not ghosting, it's a break-up.
Yes. This is usually the case. Years of trying, but never being heard because most of these moms see their children forever as an extension of themselves. They are not individuals, even when kids are 40, 50, etc
My mom told me to F off and then says I abandoned her 🙄😂
@@leialoha70I call it "selective listening" because they usually only cheery pick the parts that they can weaponize later, but the parts about why you're cutting contact go ignored.
This is exactly what happened with me.
Something I'd say to parents with estranged adult children is: there's always a middle ground where your child would love to meet you. If your child is really so important to you, stop crying about it publicly on the internet and go do the work. Posting videos like that is only furthering the divide and it's pretty passive aggressive. Your child has already lived a lifetime dealing with your pity parties and emotional manipulation. In short, this crap right here is the reason she HAD to go no-contact. How do you deal with someone who's main focus is buying themselves gifts on their child's birthday and "forgiving themselves" without doing anything to reconcile core issues. The mom is secretly LOVING the attention she's getting from being estranged. She likes it.
Agreed… parenting is hard work and it doesn’t end once they are 18. That the deal that we sign up for
I was picking up on her enjoying her new persona as 'an estranged mom'.
@@thatwiseyogi I mean, of course. She's using this situation to her advantage. She can go to all her friends and family and get attention and sympathy (narcissist "supply"). That's worth way more to some than actually working toward a healthy relationship with their child. I can just see it clear as day with this one why her child had to get out of that situation and find autonomy. So twisted.
Yes!!!! This is my situation
I think a lot of parents say "i just want you to be who you are, i love you the way you are" but they don't understand who their child is at all. They love the young, obedient child who refelected all the parents wishes and personality. They think that's the "real you" and can't comprehend that you've had to hide the real you forever just to get by.
I’ve come to realize at 67 that is exactly how our mom sees us. You are correct.
I'm a person with ADHD and autism who left her parents and biological family at large over a decade ago. I feel lucky. I was born, I believe, with independent critical thinking faculties that protected me from accepting and integrating the scapegoating, bullying, and other abuse my immediate and extended family offered. If I had been diagnosed with neurodivergence as a younger person, I would have been pathologized by this family. That situation would have been intolerable. I cannot imagine any non-toxic way forward, for anyone who is different or who draws the short straw in a power dynamic, with an emotionally or otherwise abusive family. Furthermore, our collective / societal understanding of ADHD and autism is stereotypical at best, based on a very narrow lane defined by diagnostics that only address how neurodivergence expresses itself in white men and boys. When 80% of women, girls, and people of color with neurodivergence go undiagnosed, we are working in a world where equity is neither achievable nor valued. The so-called professionals have a lot of work to do to catch up with the community.
Yes absolutely greater education and awareness needs to be done in regards to what neurodivergence means and what it doesn't mean.
All of this. I'm so happy for your happiness!
💯
YES❤
I am Audhd diagnosed as well and my parents made childhood far harder than it would have been initially which would have been very hard anyway. Tempted to cut off... but we don't talk much anyway. It is very up and down
You are much more sympathetic than I am. I don’t find the mother genuine at all. To me she embodies the “passive aggressive cutting remark” if that makes sense.
@@whyisitround9316 totally agree
Exactly! Also her husband harps on the daughter not caring what it does to them. I literally yelled “cuz it’s not her responsibility”. Honestly I get that whole me me me us us us and no effort to even attempt to understand the daughter.
This video could have been done using my mom as the example. The lack of introspection or accountability must be a generational thing with parents. As a mom, I know I’ve done my fair share of screwing up. The thing I’ve learned from having a passive aggressive low grade narc of a mother is to do my best to own my faults and APOLOGIZE when I’ve done wrong.
Agree, and the over the top emotional sad music playing in her video? Totally manipulative
Honestly I think sympathy for an abusive parent is a dangerous behaviour
No man, that mom is a narcissistic parent. It’s all about her, nothing about her daughters concern
I cut my abusive parents out of my life back in the mid 80's as I didn't want to repeat the horrible cycle of abuse! When I married my husband, 34 years ago, I met a completely different aspect of " abusive" parents, those that use money, manipulation and control to keep their children enmeshed. I tried for 31 years, to cowtow to his parents, but it finally took a toll on me and I had to go no contact, but my husband couldn't do it at that time. However, a year later, he finally started speaking up and that turned his entire family against him. It got so bad, both of us were physically assaulted and my husband was so broken by all of this, he attempted suicide. After getting permanent restraining orders and went no contact, 21 months ago, we are find peace and healing.
People are realizing they don't "owe" their parents anything and that once they are adults, their parents do not have the right to interfere in their lives and it's not just young people doing this.We are in our 60's!
I am a mother whose daughter stopped communicating with me in 2015. I have lived for 68 years, and being estranged from my daughter has been the saddest thing that has happened to me in my long life, and yet, I get it now. My daughter did the right thing, and I am glad that she is taking care of herself. My perception of myself before this happened when she was 25 was that i had been a really good mom for her. But i have since realized that i did not listen to her as she needed me to. I was kind of clueless. I am ready to listen now, but i accept that it may just be too late. I am finally learning to honor her boundaries, and I love it that she prioritizes self care.
I so appreciate the balanced way you handled this viewing of this woman's video. I felt seen and validated by your understanding and kindness. Personally, I feel much more compassion for the daughter in this situation. I think that Mom is being very selfish by airing this all to the world. She needs to let her daughter be.
Thank you for addressing this. It is a heartbreaking thing. 💜
@@donnellallan wow what a journey that must have been to get to a place where you can empathize with and support your daughter's decision despite the hurt that you feel! I'm sorry that your relationship turned out in a way you never planned for, and I'm glad to have heard some of your story
@@donnellallan You sound like you have grown a lot! I hope for you that the relationship you have with your daughter will be beautiful now that you are open. And thank you for sharing 🩷
You're so brave! Thank you for sharing. I wish you well ❤️🩹
@@e.k.4508 Totally agree
@@sk22-12 , thank you for your kind words! 💜
Putting time and resources into your child is just basic care. You don't get any rewards for that!
I think this is where culturally, I would personally see it as mutual responsibility when it comes to care for elderly parents, but I see your point
@@BergenholtzChannel I mean, I think most of the time, the parents cross their fingers that they will be "rewarded" by having a good relationship with their kids if they put a lot of efforts in it, but we don't have both sides of the story, so 🤔
I once saved my son's life when he choked on a toy another family member gave him for his 3rd birthday. I felt responsible for the fact he had been given something he could choke on. I didn't feel I should get superhero points for being neglectful.
@@karenholmes6565 Spot on! And I will steal your line about superhero points and tell my children to just GIVE me those points for all sorts of reasons, and they will rub it into my face and we will all have a good laugh 😁.
I'm very grateful for having a good relationship with all three of them. I'm not afraid to lose them at all like this mother did. Having experienced the other way around (my mother pushed me away three times for 20 years in total), I explained to my children why she probably did this. When my oldest was about 14 and the youngest was about 4, I tried to reconnect with her. It worked, in a way. On the condition (my idea and proposal to her) to never talk about the reasons ever again. She agreed. She wanted to see her grandchildren, I wanted to see my mother. It was a very lonely experience for me though. But never more lonely than during the time I was trying to connect emotionally, which just never ever worked.
So, she died two years ago. Without acknowledging anything and without me expecting this of her. Of course it was hurtful, but the best of what I thought could be done in this situation. And I made sure to have a really good relationship with my kids (18-27 now) and they with me.
Alright, now going to collect the hero points for achieving this 😉
@@Therapy2DayI’m from an Asian community. Narc parents are narc parents. Being from Asian descent doesn’t change it
Her opening music gives me the impression that she is purposefully painting herself as the victim.
Narcs are always the victim (covert narcs).
The typing sounds also make it seem like a true crime that happened to her
I just went through the stage of my estranged mother trying to leverage other people (other family members and family friends) to reach out to me. Some wanted us to reconcile, others blamed me for everything, (I was literally abandoned twice in childhood), so I had to cut them off too for not respecting my boundaries. All I hear from this mother is criticism and victimhood, she knows exactly why her daughter cut her off. This is an act.
"It was about politics, except none of her behavior reflected that."
edit "her angry letter...my sad letter", i.e. "I am such a victim of her anger."
The mother sounds very self centered and narcissistic. I have no doubt that the daughter could tell us stories about emotional manipulation and neglect and discounting of the daughter's feelings.
“She has adhd and autism - and it’s news to us - we could have taken her to the doctors.” LOL ladyyyyyyyy
She wasnt ghosted. Her daughter wrote her a letter of explanation.
That seems a bit immature form my perspective, to be honest. A mature way of dealing with this would be to actually have a conversation. You can always end it with, "I'm taking a break for a while". It doesn't have to be so blunt and cruel. Especially that we sometimes unexpectedly change our mind. In years time she may look at this differently and she doesn't even know it yet.
@@CuttyKitty1i can't speak to her exact scenario, but i do know several no contact children. Many have used the letter route. They all tried many, many conversations, and often had those conversations weaponized against them. They twisted those conversations to become the victim and beat their children down with them. The letter was the only way to actually present everything. Even with a letter you see how this mom boiled it down to one point; it's just politics. Clearly it isn't or she wouldn't have cut off the mom's flying monkey even though they share politics.
@@trinitybernhardt9944 I do not believe that this is the only route to take a break or to break contact. If this is your goal, you can do this face to face in a way that is less hurtful, like suggested in my previous post. You can politely thank for best birthday wishes too without becoming too engaged or attached. If a person is unable to end things without getting sucked in then that suggests the need for further growth and maturing - it is normal for that to still be the process in one's late 20s and early 30s. In order to act skillfully and quickly you may need professinal help. Why not use it? An aside: We really do not know the whole story here and despite having studied psychology extensively, I would not be able to tell if this lady is truly a narcissist based on the video alone. Clinical psychologists would likely resort to all kinds of assessments and interviews before providing an opinion. Hence my annoyance with non-psychologists jumping to conclusions based on limited information. Also: there seems to be a culture of helplessness and attributing faults to external factors, including blaming parents for everything under the sun. I've been around for long enough to observe that pattern. Young people go through all kinds of crises these days including identity and meaning crises. They can feel lost for good reasons, but this may translate to maladaptive behaviors. While there are individuals who are truly being mistreated, the former cannot be discounted as a possibility based on the information provided. Again, seeking professional help might be useful.
Toxic parent- This video just solidified her daughter never coming back into her life. All she did was make a bad situation worse. What a narcissist mess.
I imagine it'd be pretty hard to come back from this video 😬
Is this woman a comedian? This is a spoof! Caricature of a narcissistic parent.
Not just a caricature 😂
What a relief if it was.
Sadly, she's not spoofing anything. She's just the worst.
Reminds me of my extremely narcissistic father. After growing up consistently being told "don't talk about your family" (it was an enmeshment situation among many other problems), he immediately told everyone who would listen how terrible my sister and I are, and how we were to blame. In reality, my parents told us to stop talking to *them*, but they had to get the first word out to control the narrative. This woman makes my skin crawl
She's not even the worst
"She doesn't care about how we feel" Ya'll don't seem about how she feels either, so I'd say you're even!
that was def my first thought when the dad was mad she didn't seem "sorry"... I am like he expects her to feel bad? She didn't specifically say she hated them public and they are mad she isn't sorry?? I was kinda flabbergasted.
I’d say the daughter cares a lot, has tried everything ten different ways at least but nothing worked so she has had to practice self preservation and go no contact.
I feel sorry for the therapist in this case. The mom here doesn't want healing, she wants "professional validation" for her entitlement.
Exactly.
I think taking care of elderly parents is a lot different than being held responsible for your parents emotional needs when they're still competent enough to live independently
I 100% agree. I wish there was more communication between them, giving the parent an opportunity to make changes. I feel like this daughter has probably done that but with other families I wish more was put into fixing the problems. Problems are easy to identify, hard to fix.
@@jonigarciajg 100%.
What a passive aggressive mom. She’s justifying her behavior by crying out to the public at large. Her poor daughter.
Yeah this definitely didn't need to be aired out in public, but I am glad at least for people to recognize that they are not alone in struggling with this kind of concern
A covert narcissist I think. That poor daughter
Passive agressive? After the reaction in the comments, she was seething! She grinded her teeth. There was nothing passive about her agression, she was like a volcano 🌋
And stalking her daughter on social media
@@NickM_FirstofHisName, you’re right. Seething is the correct word.
Children who cut their parents out of their life usually do that because the parents don't respect their boundaries or are just abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically). I know 2 guys who cut out their mothers out of their lives and 1 friend who moved to the other side of the world to prevent his family being overly demanding and having to hide his sexuality, political and religious beliefs. Sometime this is the only way to reclaim your life back, to reclaim your power, your freedom and being able to be an individual. Narcissistic people often represent themselves as victims. This mother may be one of them. She just feels entitled to her daughter.
I noticed a huge tell. She sent her daughter a few self-development books that she thought her daughter would enjoy. She thought her daughtet would enjoy? Or she thought her daughter needed fixing? I know if I were her daughter, I'd have burned those books or sent them back.
Yep, another attempt at coercing and controlling.
When you are already no contact, the self help info reads as passive aggressive. And the snide comment about how “big “ it was for her to attend zoom funeral.
Telling, very telling
Off topic: What a beautiful cat!
Thank you! He's the looks on this team
I was going to say the same thing! That cat is such a sweetie 😻
He's a gorgeous boy. My cat Skeeter looked just like him and was lovey-dovey like that
Omg right!!! What an angel in fur
Adorbs
I think there are some things that are hard to understand if you werent raised with a mother like this and made the decision to go no contact. I feel like my mother wrote the script for this video.
Her daughter writes a letter expressing how she feels and her mother ignores it, calls it an angry little outburst, and then sends her self help resources. When the mother writes her "sad little letter" she begins it by telling her "I saved your life when you were little and this is how you're treating me?" And plays the victim in totality. That's DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) right there. "I know it's her birthday and her special day but it's also MY special day because it's the day I became a mom so now I just buy myself a gift instead." "I couldn't read this book because I'd have to apologize and take responsibility for what I did" that your daughter quite literally SPELLED OUT for you in her letter. This mom sounds like she did the bare minimum in time, resources, love, and energy and thinks she should be rewarded for it and when her daughter tried to tell her side and how she felt, she was ignored. I'm sorry (not really) but this daughter is probably better off without her in her life. I know I am.
23:02 I appreciate your empathy for these parents, but you have to know that from the child's side they tried multiple times.
25:37 love with strings attached isn't taking care of parents in their old age, it's that I'm only given love when I am doing everything to make you happy. When I am putting aside all my needs and feelings and being the person you want me to be, that is when I receive love. My mom never told me she loved me. I distinctly remember giving birth and my mom telling me she loved me and being surprised and feeling like I was punched in the chest because I realized in that moment I literally never heard it from her.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I value these comments discussions so much because it's a chance for me to learn from everyone's experiences
Im really surprised you didn't pick up more on the lack of accountability from the parents. The mother acts like the victim, when in order for a child to take such an action, they must have been hurt over and over or hurting for years and unheard. It is incredibly brave to cut contact with family members. It's not done lightly.
People not raised by parent's like Diane are susceptible to their manipulations as are unhealed co-dependents and enablers of them.
When you set boundaries with a toxic parent, often cutting contact is the inevitable outcome because often the parents refuse to look at the whole story and see themselves accurately.
The fact that the mom has gone public and seems not to do any intersection, or go to therapy speaks volumes.
@@patriceh444 I assume you mean introspection
@@patriceh444 and she outted her child’s name and diagnosis. Really gross behavior.
@@kerrilea73 Her daughter put HER OWN diagnosis on the internet.
Did you even listen?
Nit wit
@@mlwsmp The daughter didn't have her real name out there. Mom disclosed her disgnosises and her name publically. Mom put it out to the world with the diagnosis. Interesting that the people defending the mother keep calling people names on here. Do you always jumping to verbal abuse when you disagree with someone or does this topic just trigger you? Hope you don’t talk to people in your life that way or that might be why they go NC with you.
A decent therapist will call her out. She knows that.
Mother never asks what she could do to to mend their relationship.
She's too busy playing victim and mining for sympathy while vilifying her child... And look how many people buy her manipulations. Even as adults no one believes us survivors so imagine being a child with no voice versus a parent like that. It's like growing up in a POW camp and the damage to the off-spring of depression, anxiety, Stockholm Syndrome and C-PTSD are the same.
She relays her entire story in the exact same way one would describe being rear-ended by a drunk driver. She wants us to believe that suddenly and without warning her selfish daughter derailed their lives with her poor decision-making and lack of concern for others, while they just sat back and helplessly tried to do the right thing and pick up the pieces of all the damage she caused them. She seems more concerned with convincing everyone else she is not at fault and not at all concerned with understanding her daughter's point of view or wanting to repair the relationship.
I am coming at this from the point of view of a mother of an adult child, I do not understand this woman. Perhaps it is because I am autistic, which brings up an entirely separate set of parenting dilemmas, but I have always been more likely to take all of the responsibility for communication challenges, rather than make them my son's problem. I am not a perfect mother. I have made mistakes. I do not think it makes me a bad person, nor a bad parent to admit to making real mistakes, and holding myself accountable for them. And I think this is why I have a really wonderful relationship with my 30 something son. Even though I was a young mom, not fully baked when I first had him, I always wanted the best for him, and tried my hardest to be a better person than I am in this moment. He has confronted me with my failings. I listened. Even if I didn't agree with his perspective, I listened, and I did not dismiss his point of view nor his humanity. What I hear from this woman is a huge dismissal of her daughter's humanity, and since I am autistic like her daughter, I am rather disgusted with her. I really feel for her daughter.
@@karenholmes6565 you're a wise mother and I wish you a continuing good relationship with your son! It's one , if not the best thing to happen in one's life in my opinion. And agreed that it takes a lot of effort to achieve
Sounds like you being on the spectrum has given a unique perspective on this kind of issue in relationships.
This is some good stuff dude
This is exactly why I love my mom.
Wow our stories are parallel. I was 19 when I had my son and am AuDHD. I was actually formally diagnosed at 12 but my parents told me it just meant I had to figure out a better way to adapt because I would be dealimg with this forever. No help. No support. Just loads of emotional abuse. I struggled as a young mom but worked hard to be better and my son and I have a healthy relationship now. He is 25 and I am so proud of him for bravely embracing a path in life that brings purpose, prosperity, and peace to his life. My mom is like this woman and cannot see how her weird combo of entitlement and victim mindset make her impossible to connect with in any meaningful way. Which is sad because she craves deep connection but doesn't understand that it is hard to connect with emotionally unsafe people like herself who always look out and never in.
She smiles while she is being dismissive of her daughter. Sounds like she never took her daughter seriously. Now shes the victim. DARVO
Yes and she smiled when she said she had to tell her grandpa passed
DARVO? And yes the smiles are definitely at inopportune times
@@Therapy2Day Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
@@Therapy2Day May need to brush up on the dynamics of domestic violence research.
@@PrairieJen ah I see
The dad though! The Mom was bad enough - but the Dad was full on mad that the daughter would dare, would have the unmitigated audacity, not bend to the boundary stomping. 😤
Anyone else seeing a covert narcissist?
A full blown malevolent one
With bells and whistles!
Yes! A replica of my mother.
Unmistakable
no.
It is the smirking that gives it away.
She cries and it’s so fake.
OMG, thank you. I thought I was the only one thinking that.
She is so gleeful in hurting her daughter
Duper's delight. When you stop giving a rat's ass about a narcissist's feelings (since they're incapable of caring about anyone else other than themselves), it's so freeing, and you get satisfaction and second-hand embarrassment from the narcissistic meltdown that follows 😂
@@genesisartek1844 100%.Spot on
“The day I first became a mother” to describe my child’s birthday - yikes! That thought would never enter my mind (as a mother of 2, now adults). She seems to make everything about herself. Even watching her daughter’s TickTock, instead of “was so nice to see her thriving, even remotely” it was “no mention of me!” I understand why the daughter chose her own peace, this woman wants to be the star of her own drama and stirs up drama after drama.
That's ridiculous.
If course that's how she views it. It was a momentous day in HER LIFE. Her baby, first born. That experience she had. It is HER life too. Not saying unlike this mother but it seems like the daughter is woke and so far left she is halfway to Antarctica.
My Mom and I are BFFs and she once mentioned such a thing towards me. So it doesn't necessarily only come from toxic people. I think it is an Emotion Like many that you can either have wholesomely or Center in a toxic way.
@@HumanimalChannel could be. But Just as Well could be a chronically dismissive parent who still doesn't get it.
And she is 50??? She looks late 60s , thats what toxic do to You
@@AyAReI00 Or being Caucasian and enjoying the outdoors over the years. Melanin is there for a reason.
"i did the best i could"
i cannot express how many times my own mother said this phrase, hearing it from this woman i am immediately on the daughters side. there is so much she is leaving out to make herself look like the victim.
starting off a heartfelt letter of remorse with "remember what I've done for you you owe me a debt"
They act like their failing best becomes a passing grade because - effort? These are the same type of parents that would also bleat, "Well 'your best' isn't good enough!" but their 'best' is? Narc's man... LOL
As a child with narcissistic parents, I spent my ENTIRE childhood, adolescence, and adulthood asking myself “what can I change to make this relationship work? What’s wrong with me that my parents can’t love me as I am, and how do I change to make them love me.” Children of narcissists bend over backwards in desperate attempts to feel accepted by them. I’ve gone no contact with my parents three separate times, not to punish them, but to restore my own sense of self. The enmeshment of child/narcissistic parents is real, and makes it so hard to be our authentic selves.
My husband just got an autism diagnosis at age 37 and never felt understood by his parents. They put their heads in the sand and ignored all his symptoms. It’s hard to have genuine relationships with people who impose their view of who you are or should be onto you and refuse to acknowledge that you’re a person they have to get to know, not mold into what they want. This mom sounds like such a narcissist and could be autistic as well. I know my father and father-in-law are autistic, but neither have a diagnosis so they think what they’re experiencing is “normal.” The “aut” in autism means “self” and this can often look a lot like narcissism without accurate diagnoses. There often isn’t ill will intended, but their mind blindness and alexithymia prevent them from being able to fully understand other people and empathize with them. That would also explain why this mother can’t even imagine why in the world her daughter would go no contact. Her brain doesn’t allow her to be able to do that so she thinks she’s the victim. All she knows is her own experience. It’s also like pulling teeth to have conversations with narcissistic or autistic parents. They lecture instead of listen, and act like martyrs or victims when the child expresses concern about how they’re being treated. All I ever got was excuses, explanations, and more of the same gaslighting whenever I tried to bring up issues with my parents. It’s futile. They don’t even try to understand. It’s also not a coincidence that all this happens when the child is between age 20-30 and the parents are 50-60. Our adult brains are finally fully developing and their brains are losing plasticity and becoming more rigid. A recipe for disaster.
Thought exactly the same. Maybe the mother will find out, too.
Why do you say she is a narcissist?
The Mom comes across as self-centered and selfish. I had a period when my older son wouldn't talk to me, and it was very hurtful. But instead of putting my wishes and desires into the situation, I tried to take myself back somewhat. I hoped that letting him have the space to address his needs would open up an opportunity for us to start talking again, and thankfully, that worked. I know he was in therapy during that period, and that played a big part, too. I am sure that badgering him with my need to be recognized as a good mom would have driven him even farther away.
Thank you for being self aware and actually taking action to better your relationship with your son. Going no contact is a very hard decision to make and usually isn't taken without many hours of thought and reasoning behind it, it gives me hope to hear that its possible for some to self reflect.
Appreciate your story and your thoughts. I think there is this feeling of defensiveness protecting the idea of "I'm a good mom/dad" that may prevent the listening that's needed in the first place. Sounds like you identified that and stopped letting it get in the way
'the letter was mostly about politics which is weird because l'm not political at all, so why does she go no contact over politics'. 2 sentences later 'I made my niece contact her after her going no contact and she blocked her, which is weird because their politics align'. I mean, what does that tell you, lady? That maybe it isn't really just about politics?
It was Ted's sister - her aunt - but your point stands. Like Diane, you grasp that doesn't make sense and then do nothing with the thought. Typical willful ignorance and ignoring/dismissing anything that doesn't fit their narrative.
The text floating on the screen while the voice actor in a mocking childish voice reads something about gaslighting and not validating emotions, the video is a master class on gaslighting and not validating her emotions. No self-awareness or accountability. You don’t even have to agree to validate, you just have to care more about their feelings and your relationship than your ego.
That part made me laugh so hard at her. Politics is the low-hanging fruit of scapegoats for "why they don't like me", but it is almost never about that.
Why did the daughter make it mostly about politics then?
@sandybeveridge5692 lol, you're taking the word of the narcissist mommy of the year who made a whole damn smear campaign online because her daughter (rightfully) doesn't want to talk to her as gospel??? 🤣
Surely, the woman who just can't fathom why her disrespectful, dismissive butt got disowned would NEVER lie on the internet for victim points.... Sure, buddy.
Saying “if you don’t tell me you’re coming I’ll assume you’re not interested” ………. Passive/aggressive, much.
I believe the daughter tried for decades to repair her strained relationship with her mother. The mother invalidated, dismissed, and gaslit her daughter. As a result, the daughter ended the relationship.
As to the western vs eastern culture thing.
If you decided to cut off your parent would they spend two years creating a content video and put on internet about how they’re a victim?
I don’t see this as cultural. Selfish is selfish worldwide.
She was disingenuous and spends her time self validating and finding others to tell her she’s right.
I'm not native to Eastern cultures, but I think you're right. Regardless of culture, I feel like this is all something that would just be seen as a "wtf are you doing??? Why are you talking about such personal things on such a public platform?". The only people who would do such a thing are, as you said it, selfish and lacking self-awareness.
I think it is rather odd this woman frames her situation as her daughter "ghosting her". Maybe she really just is too out of the loop to know the proper usage of that term, but her daughter sure didn't ghost her. She told her very directly why she was going no-contact with her and her husband, and if my reading between the lines is correct, it was after prior attempts to talk through grievances, and fights about conflicting values. This wasn't out-of-the-blue, or without explanation. It is really telling to me that is how mom is framing this for herself.
Yeah, it's not really ghosting someone if you leave them an emergency contact number.
That mom does not care why her daughter cut them off. She is too self asorbed.
No she’s not, she’s confused and sad
@@sandybeveridge5692 She has a letter from the daughter that she basically dismissed. If she talked to the daughter humbly about each sentence of the letter, they might have reconciled already. That letter was supposed to bring clarity. If she is confused, it is due to being self absorbed.
@@manicpixiedreamgirl7930 she is confused because the daughter has brought her parent’s politics into it. They, like her have the right to their own politics.
When people say "I did my best as a parent" I think they probably didn't. Many times parents lie or manipulate their children just so they can have power over them. That's not doing their best. Making mistakes is one thing, but people manipulate just to stay in charge. It's painful to reach adulthood and realize how many lies you were told just to keep you in line.
We all do our best everyday depending on our mental, physical, emotional and skill capacities. It doesn't mean that we do a good job.
The moms comments about hiw she got the self help book, didn't actually read it and couldn't be bothered with what she did skim over, because it required too much of her, tells me that she isn't actually interested in trying to understand what went wrong. Or even in making oeace. You can make peace without reconciliation, but she can't even do that - her letter just turns into an "after everything I've done for you" guilt trip. She wants the relationship with none of the work that needs to go into it. The first time I saw this video I was so hopeful that shed go on this journey and figure things out, and even if they hadnt made uo she would understanf herself and her daughter better. But in the end she basicallydetermines it's just a lost cause. Really, that is so sad.
I've also never actually seen a video that uses sad violin music throughout, without it being a joke. At first I thought, oh shes poking fun of herself. But no, shes serious. She is the victim here.
Hah you're right about the violin. I would have been so on board if she had documented her journey towards reconciliation
As an adult child who was in a very similar situation, I can say that walking away with my husband and children was the best thing for me. I wasn't angry or bitter. I just simply wanted to have a safe and calm environment in my home, marriage and family. The drama was constant and unnecessary. The guilt and manic episodes harmed my mental and physical health for years. I chose to give myself a chance to heal and decide what I wanted out of my life and marriage. I also wanted a better environment for my children. I have had many successes and failures along the way but I give myself grace and apologize quickly, as I am learning a whole new set of skills that I never had before. My family is happier and communicating is always encouraged no matter how hard the topic is. It really hurts my heart to watch this and know so many others are going through this trauma. Good luck to everyone battling this situation. 20 years later and it was worth it all!
I'm glad you're finding a peace about it further along down the line. I'm sure there are many who make this choice who second guess themselves or doubt that it's the right move
@Therapy2Day I once had a therapist who told me, when I was telling him about all of the things my dad said/did to me that caused me so much pain, that it was a good thing that I was realizing these this at that time and age. I was in my early 20s and was just about to graduate college and join the Peace Corps. He told me how there are people who deal with their parents/families being like this mom in the video (or also like my dad) and some of them only start to realize how toxic it all is and how it affects them in their 30s, their 40s, and 50s. He told me that I'd worked so hard, built so much for myself, and was working toward a future I wanted. And I was in my early 20s doing all of that and working through how my dad treated me.
I went no contact with my father when I left for the Peace Corp. That was six years ago. I can't say that there aren't times where I miss him or remember happy times with him. Because there *were* good times. But they don't outweigh the bad, the hurt, and the scars it left me with. I know what it cost me to go No Contact. But the situation was bad enough to where I can easily say that it was well worth paying.
I am happy, I've gotten to see so much just in my 20s (I'm 30 now). And I know I've got so much ahead, too. I'm sad I don't have either of my parents to see it. I really do hope they find some kind of peace and maybe grow into better, healthier people than what I knew. I hope they find those things for their own sakes, because even if they did, I think there's way too much damage done to our relationship for there to be reconciliation.
One thing I have learned on this journey of mine (NC and reparenting myself, I mean), is that no matter how old a person is, there it's always a good thing they started that journey when they did. It doesn't really matter if you realized going NC was what was needed and best for your health at 20 or 40, what matters is that you started that journey in the first place.
The best advice I was given by a friend befor my first child came along.
'They are not YOUR' children...you are just looking after them until they can look after themselves. If you are lucky, and you do your best, they might
turn out to be nice folks you still like to spend time with'.
Superb advice.
I think the fathers characterization of her not caring was very unfair, particularly the part where he says she doesn’t care if they’re alive or dead. Meanwhile, she’s shown consistent action in showing up or contacting when there are family emergencies. She called when he was ill despite how triggering it must have been for her. They just aren’t getting the version of her they *want*, so it doesn’t matter.
Oof.....the "dire" need for her daughter to reach out....a death in the family, an illness.... It seems like a power struggle. Not that you miss your child, the actual person , but the loss of control. IMO.
True. She keeps baiting the daughter
The subtle digs the mother was taking at her daughter really stopped me in my tracks. To cut someone out especially a parent is a huge decision. This mother is not owning up to what really happened. I am on limited contact with my mother. I should be on no contact but I just can't take that step. It's a really heart wrenching decision to make. Sending blessings to the daughter.
"I want my little girl back. Hey Internet, look what a terrible daughter she is!"
The plan is as reliable as a Swiss watch.
Imagine growing up with this lady...if she's like this now, imagine being a constant "disappointment" when your a little kid. I watched her video and another she put out a few months ago and she was triggering. She was getting alot of positive attention and support and seemed noone called her out on her controlling, passive aggressive behaviour. Could see right through her from the very beginning. Bitter, self centered, stalker like controlling behaviour. She puts her daughter down constantly. She gets those jabs in every chance. Her birthday becomes mommy dearest birthday. Her grandpa's death is used as a tool, to leave a cold matter of fact message to her daughter. She had a chance to show actual empathy towards how her daughter would feel about this loss of her grandpa, but no, the mask is down and a passive aggressive jab was made instead. She's spilling all of this girls life's choices, exposing her. I wouldn't be surprised if the mother left that support group because she wasn't the centre of attention , got bored and had to listen to other peoples stories, and that would require feigning empathy. I don't doubt she's hurt in some capacity, but perhaps it's more about her ego being hurt. Toxic vibes.
She probably has support of other covert narcissist who thinks the world revolves around them and that their kids are an extemtion of them, she is on a narcissist rage campaing, she needs to put the blame on her kid as she always have, probably her good mom facade crumble when people ask her why your daughter dont speak to you anymore??? Narcissist facade is the most important thing for them, how people SEE them... She needed to do "damage control" and become this super sad mom that doesnt know what her kid dont talk to her to shift blame, like always.
Narcissist are so consistent with their táctics, is almost scary how alike they are
I felt like the dad was just radiating rage and hostility as well, even before he spoke, that it must have been so hard to be trapped with two parents like that; both obviously really angry people but one masking it with fake smiles and the other silently seething the whole time
OMG, she has spent NO time actually looking at what she might’ve missed. Seriously. She’s moved straight to “I did the best I could, and I forgive myself”. The fact that her child got to adulthood before being dx with autism and adhd (btw, she’s autistic, there is no such thing as high functioning, high functioning means that she is good at compensating, and masking, because she can’t behave the way that is natural to her). She can’t be herself in cosplay, her identity etc etc. it’s not difficult. You don’t’ have to approve of her, just recognise she’s happy as she is.
It’s all through the lease of how SHE feels, and nothing about her daughter. I wonder if you’ve edited it that way, or whether it truly reflects the reality.
Absence of contact does not mean her daughter is not feeling a hundred emotions herself. It’s her way of preserving her sanity.
I’m 18 months into no contact, and it’s awful, but not as awful as being in touch.
Seems like this mom's response really struck a chord with you; seems like you have been through pretty similar struggles with your family
Oh, it is not edited that way. The full videos can be seen on a channel called live abuse free
Nobody knows the daughter so I'm amazed at how everyone just unanimously defends her. Assuming her mother is telling the truth, the daughter did seem to put her Furry community above all else. Is that really healthy? I've seen a lot of kids run into cults and cut off their families, it's like a show of allegiance to the new gang.
@@PS-qn4ozuhhh she’s not a furry. Not sure where you got that from?
@LyraDavis What difference does it make? Everyone seems to be unequivocally on the daughter's side. Though now I suspect you didn't watch her whole video.
It's extremely telling to've had her daughter's confession letter read in a child's voice, and to show intermittent footage of her as a child throughout the video. This is how Diane views her.
It comes across as oh woe is me, she was perfect till she grew and realized how awful I really am as a mother. Quick where are my flying monkeys to cover my arse and make me feel better???
Calling your daughter an “automaton, dead inside, kinda like a robot…she wasn’t all there.” OK woman
She sounds like an actress in an re-enactment TV show, so if this is really the mom.. and not an re-enactment.. I think that speaks volumes.
It’s so staged and curated, including the sad/dramatic music during strategic scenes, that I found myself laughing during parts of it. The bit where she’s re-enacting being ill with covid was excruciating
She watched videos to figure out what was going on???….and yet her daughter wrote her an entire letter explaining her feelings. This woman is truly insufferable and massively triggering. I hope the daughter finds peace.
Yeah. I'm going to do anything BUT actually take in what my daughter wrote...
Probably the mom didnt think the letter made sense.
Do everything BUT listen to her daughters own words...
@@helenestiernstrand6575 Unlikely, she seems like a smart woman. And we would have been able to make that determination ourselves had she actually read us the letter but she didn’t. She even had a voice actor read it in a childlike voice and garbled up the words because she doesn’t think what her daughter says is important. The definition of invalidation and dismissal.
@@helenestiernstrand6575 then she could have asked questions and started a conversation instead of choosing to see it as a “one off angry outburst”.
She had no problem disclosing her daughter’s name and diagnosis to the world but she chose to not give a single insight into what the daughter said in that letter.
I’ve been no-contact with a parent for over 5 years, adults who don’t listen to their children are always going to be left behind.
@@meltedsnowcaps how have your feelings changed between the beginning and now five years out, if they have shifted?
@@Therapy2Day my feelings definitely have shifted! I was actually panicked for a while, my parent wasn’t someone to let go easily. But after a couple of years of reinforcement of NC, I’ve calmed down a lot, grown a lot, and feel so much happier! I actually didn’t think I could ever be this happy/content and it makes me sad that my parent couldn’t get here, but that’s also their decision to stay in their way of life and their way of way of dealing with interpersonal conflict.
@@meltedsnowcaps seems like you seem a lot more at peace with your choice after the initial fear of making a big change
@@Therapy2Day completely agree! It opened up my life and has allowed for much ❤️ thank you for that question! It was really interesting to think about
"Why does she not mention ME in her social media?"
"I buy MYSELF a gift every year for her birthday"
Here's the issue: these type of parents do not see their kid as real, autonomous person.
I feel for the daughter because my mother is exactly the same. I went no-contact for 12 years. Reached out again this year and IMMEDIATELY regretted it. She will never love me; She only loves herself and her "sacrifices" for a daughter who didn't ask for any of the burdens/guilt/high standards/abuse that she was subjected to all her life. R.I.P "mom"
The mom's video is a curated control of the narrative. Showing her drinking coffee, staring out the window in faux contemplation? It is a willful, vindictive, and manipulating tactic to emotionally trigger and smear her daughter. Anyone raised by a toxic Cluster B parent or who comes from an NPD family system will see right through this snow job. It is intentional to "punish" the daughter for daring to have boundaries. I'd say the mother was horrific to live with.
Diane's video is such a performance. The sorrowful, dramatic music in the background, the pitiful looks and frowns while staring wistfully, the pointed editing of the letter, all of it.
@@aphreyst4551 exactly
Mom is cluster B and a clueless one at that. Putting a video aimed at shaming and manipulating their own daughter to come crawling back like a dog so you could abuse her in person. So loving! The smiling while saying things about her daughter to shame her. It's just creepy. Mom has a sadistic streak. Unless they find a cure, daughter should stay as far away as possible.
@@justtired123 100% spot on. They only get worse with age. Cluster Bs are mostly treatment-resistant. My mum is a sociopath with a sadistic streak as well, so I absolutely recognise the mum here. NC!!
Yes I agree the tone was so wrong... the worst part was her big smile throughout much of the video.
Her tone of voice sounds eerily like my (estranged) mom’s when she’s trying to get her way. I gave my mom a hard line that we are only ever talking again in the presence of a social worker. Years later I reminded her via text (she built a house right next to my grandparents and I was their live in caregiver). She sing song voiced me and said oh sweetie I’m so glad you’ve come around to wanting therapy! I said no, that’s incorrect, sent screenshots of years of me sending the same “I am not communicating with you unless we are in the presence of a social worker “ text every time she tried to text me (or send me messages via my brother). The last thing she did was send myself a card with $250 cash in it, in her handwriting, signed my dead grandma’s name. This lady’s “I saved her from choking on a candy wrapper as a baby!” Is just insane lmao
Eta - Im the oldest, I was parentified since 10/11 (I have two younger siblings), and never got properly diagnosed autistic or adhd (and now as an adult it’s an uphill unaffordable battle to get diagnosed; managing a chronic genetic condition took precedence the last few years). I do remember when I was in my mid 20s I begged my mom to come to the therapist I had been paying for out of pocket to get some childhood history, since my mom was the only surviving adult that could tell a therapist how I was as a child. I half remember being very young and at a doctors office, it was most likely an autism assessment, and I never went back. My mom “helped” me but kept me dependent on her; I think she had it in her mind that I would never develop the life skills to be independent. I can somewhat understand the nuances to not wanting your child to have an autism diagnosis in the 90’s in Massachusetts (look up the history of rotenburg center and institutionalization) but as an adult, to be pleading with her to help me and give my therapist history about how I was as a child and be shut down over and over… it was a really hard time.
I saw her video last Fall and commented: "I feel like I'm not getting the whole story here. So, you and your husband supported a politician (I'm guessing Trump) and that was enough for your daughter to become estranged from you? There seems to be something missing here."
Getting the Aunty involved seems like the mum recruiting a flying monkey.
Triangulation as well. Infuriating.