I am No contact with my abusive parents for over 10 years now. I wouldn't trade all the money in the world for what I have learnt about myself and the world around me. Money can't buy happiness or make up for years of torment or abuse. If they do leave me anything(unlikely as it is) I will be donating it. Thanks Daniel, I always enjoy your videos.
@@dianeibsen5994 It wasn't easy. I came to realise that it didn't matter what I did they could not see ME of hear ME. Their version of reality was not my own. I was just a prop in THEIR world. They did not have the ability to love themselves or anyone else. I knew that I had to take my focus off of them, an d place it back on myself and my own healing. We can't change other people only ourselves. I hope this helps.
@@happygardener7954 Thank you for sharing this. I wish inheritance was an issue for me at all. but I've been struggling financially my whole adult life having chronic illness. Poverty. I know much of my illness is about not being supported seen or heard. Abuse. I've been homeless the last three years because of no family support. I was finally approved for a Section 8 housing voucher recently. So letting go of the idea of any inheritance in the future is not easy. But I also don't want to have contact with my family. They're all very sick.
In 2023, I am 63 years old. 13 years ago, I stopped accepting orders and abuse from my parents. They disinherited me. I never cared about anything that they had, except, if they had had love for me, I would’ve cared about that. You hit the nail on the head. The hardest part is realizing that your parents don’t and never did love you. It’s just so unimaginable to me, it is very hard to digest. Thank you for your video. I don’t feel as alone as I did 16 minutes ago. ❤
I was disinherited by my father, but he was terminally diagnosed and had alzheimers. Its a nightmare and very painful. But also I do not think it means they didnt love you.
@@IMadeThis123 I said the same thing too. My inheritance is in Christ, and funny enough, the literal translation of my birth name is “leave everything to God.” He left me off his will, but I am in God’s will and he has given me an inheritance that no one can ever take away. “In my Fathers house, there are many mansions. If it were not so, I would not have told you. Behold, I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14: 2
I know the video hasnt been out long enough to give proper feedback on the video but I just wanted to say that my financially and emotionally abusive father recently kicked me out and disowned me. Part of what has been helping me not spiral into depression is gaining a deeper understanding about his motives through learning from your videos. Thank you.
That sounds horrible, I hope everything goes alright for you, you could just go and get a keymaker to exchange the key and kick him out, and if he has problems he could go to the police which I doubt he will do, probably knowing what he did was completely wrong himself also, or just go get him by his ear and put him out of the house yourself. If you have financial difficulties, it is your parents responsibility by making the decision to have you unless it would make him truly much poorer, especially during an epidemic like corona threatening everyone’s lives, putting you at risk for no reason. :///
Trying to understand why others are sick will not help you to take care of yourself. Now is the time to act and access whatever healthy resources you can to help yourself. If you can survive the short term, you may just find yourself thriving without that toxic relationship holding you back. Be safe and take care.
It's very hard without support, and if you seek support you have be careful and ENSURE the therapist understands abusive relationships. Daniel - why don't some therapists acknowledge or help people with abusive relationships? And in some cases collude with the abusers & make things worse? Please tell.
daisy7066 I guess since perhaps they are too stockholmed as Daniel explained in another video by authority figures and making mistakes, perfectionism or material addiction and preservation that they can’t see the situation clearly, having been under the influence of tthe common dellusions of society, feeling pressured to break free and trying to detain their subconscious desire to also be able to choose what is best for them, being in an internal conflict about what that might be, transferring onto the client? I can’t tell for sure. I hope Daniel is feeling okay lately with everything and sharing his state in a difficult time with a lot of deaths and isolation around the world, in order to provide assistance for others I fear is being hard on him at times as I heard him say before about being too hard on himself after posting a video publicly, especially contravertial kind )
My father has threatened to do the same several times and has actually done it before . You are not alone . I chose to leave last year and I am better off for it . improving little by little . I hope there's shelter you can take somewhere else .
I really don't think there is anything my kids could do that I would ever disinherit them. Ever. and I have one child that has been very difficult with OCD and BPD. Still love him every day and try to help him be a better person. Whatever it takes.
I was disinherited. It’s not the money or physical material, it’s the non love that hurts. I was diagnosed with insulin dependent type 1 diabetes at age 10. Been giving myself 3-4 shots a day since 1973, it will be 50 yrs this Sept. The out of pocket costs, high & low blood sugar episodes, hospital stays, abusive police who think I’m on drugs when suffering from low blood sugar, etc. I have one sibling, a healthy older brother, who inherited the entire 120 acre family farm 20 yrs ago and all its belongings and he’s shunning me. He’s always carried a sense of entitlement.
Hi everyone. We probably came to watch this video because of our own family issues and being disinherited. No matter who has wronged us, we must push forward and live for ourselves. Walk away from the situation. View them as not your family, but a case study. Create that emotional distance and we will free ourselves. I hope you have a “chosen family” and I send you strength ❤️
I have learned recently that my estranged parents have disinherited me. My parents have excluded me from family events in the past and have turned my siblings against me. My parents don’t speak to their siblings either and growing up we were not allowed speak to relatives. I’ve realized that my family of origin are very dysfunctional and unhealthy to be around! Anyways they know where they can stick their inheritance 😂
You are so fortunate to learn about your parents feelings. I wish I had learned how my parents felt about me when I was a young adult. I’m 57 and just learned through the death of my step mother that my birth father and her disinherited me in their wills when I was 21 years of age. ( he died in 2005). The entire estate went to the Church they attended. So crushing to now know they did not love me even after years of me trying to get close to them as a child and an adult.
That is the worst effect, to see that the monster is reborn into a younger version of itself. The thing is, mentally disordered people usually groom one of their children in such a way that s/he will carry on with the sick behaviours even after his/her death. In a sickening way, I think that this perversion is what motivates a lot of mentally unstable people to become parents. >__
Nancy Debosek perhaps if some light toward their reflection on you and how it is harmful towards you and him can be discussed, making him feel normal to have to play the person to have to carry the identity inherit but that your brother can choose what would make him feel good and well, actually would set a better example for your father also, since truly parenting is sometimes as I witness shared in family systems for when people have more energy and time to take on some certain roles that others can’t cope to keep up with at times ) I don’t know, I did get some positive effect in doing so
@@tribalkoala , no he is too far gone. He has been enormously materially successful. He listens to no one. Perhaps if it was someone he considered an equal, but I don't think so. His ego is in complete control.
Nancy Debosek mine is the same, when I spent time with him without wanting any of his material that made mine very happy and peaceful and he expressed it frequently, but yes I understand the not listening to anybody part, I just treated him well as best as I could and it worked for some at least. Good to have the memory anyway ))) didn’t have to last for so long
Yeah, I'm struck by how my mother is so charitable with her time, support, compliments, energy and attention to everyone else but me. She knows more about the lives of her nieces and nephews than me and her grandchild.
I think most people that have something to inherit, and at the same time, have a bad relationship with their parents they would **all** prefer to have a much better bond with their parents than to be better off financially. Money improves your life up to a point. Even worse, imagine having a lot of money to spend while being a very unhealthy and wounded person.
Erich Fromm, as many other wise humanists have done, taught us decades ago that materialism is self-harm. True wellness comes from taking care of one another and the environment, in doing so we take care of ourselves.
You’ve described my father quite well. He built a crooked mold for my life and I did my best to play the role he gave me, at least in public. It destroyed my self esteem and left me depersonalized and inauthentic with the other people I interacted with.
I feel the same way. For me they managed to have a doctor put a label of autism on me. That news went through the extended families and other people in my environment. So I was always approached to be the odd one. That became a self-fulfilling prophesy because I couldn't develop myself in interactions with others.
I just went to the PVA office and got a copy of my dads will. He gave 100% to my brother. My brother stopped speaking to me and cut off all communication 4 years. He is pretending that nothing happened. My mom is a champion enabler. These people are at war with me.
Two years ago, I was disinherited by my grandfather and been trying to process that for a long time. Your video helped me have words and understanding about how I've been feeling. Thank you for making this video!
Very interesting video, as always. Thank you, Daniel! In Switzerland parents are not allowed to disinherit their children completely: a certain part of the inheritance has to go to them, no matter what. However, this does not make our families any happier or inheritance any less of an issue. Sadly, no law can make somebody love or care for another person. While parents in my country can be forced to pass on their money to their children, they cannot be forced to love or understand them. This seems to sum up the problem of our legislation: it offers no solution to the underlying issues of unhealthy family systems, toxic relationships and trauma. Like you, Daniel, I have lost all interest in inheriting anything from my parents (forced or otherwise). Much rather, I want to use my time and energy to focus on my health and happiness. It's astonishing how little money it takes to do that! ;-)
I am from Switzerland and my dad died in 2003, he wrote 8 pages full of lies and hate to dishinerit me so he can give to my 2 sisters. While he crooked me with my grandpa and stole 22'000 euros in Italy, he paid his lawyer so I can't get my own money my grandpa crooked me. Then he was so angry that I won the case in Italy, he disowned me my share of 1/3 of 1'000'000 Swiss Francs.
It’s a pathology, for sure! The same thing happened with my father. It’s thanks to what I learned through your channel that I finally found the courage to go no contact at the beginning of this year. What an alleviation it is to finally be able to learn to father myself. 🙏🏼
truthshallrule you could even have the feeling that you are good without having to father yourself and spending bonding time with loved ones, and perhaps even be able to if you chose to contact or not contact them to just know if they are safe and well, could give a feeling of comfort or not according to your situation which you would know best by trial and error )))
It is a relief to listen to you, I always had my doubts if my thoughts were wrong, although I couldn’t changed them. It is not the value of the money but the emotion attached to it, so painful that when they leave this world their last emotion they share with you is that they didn’t loved you.
It is one way of looking at it, on the other hand, as undeserving as they might try to make it appear, neither they not we are above the law. Just like we would suffer the consequences if we did not pay our phone bill, out liking or disliking of the phone service owner can’t matter and we must pay to keep having the services, and if it is our right to getting a part of the inheretance, we might perhaps not take it emotionally and get what we are fit by law to take because it is our humanright? I guess there are contradicting ideas so I don’t know, my opinion is this kind of thinking might disrupt out relationship or idea on humanrights, not fending for them in other areas of life, street, bookstore, workplace or family systems, making us conformists is what I fear...
Tell me about it, lol! My dad treated us (his children) like a nuisance all his life, as a way to avoid facing the fact that he was incompetent as a family man. He even whispered to me once during a dinner he had set up: "This family is a shambles..." to which I answered sternly in a tit-for-tat manner: "And whose fault is it...?" In the last phone conversation I had with him, he told me that he was going to write my name off his will and did not consider me his child anymore. I answered quite dryly: "That's is fine, I don't really care. Just get that divorce to my mother on the table once and for all so that I don't ever have to talk to you again." 10 days later he was dead. I almost didn't go to the funeral, but still did. It was a shambles (as he had rightly predicted) and he had left no will, all my uncles, aunts and cousins just tore through his estate at once. My mother was the most rattled by all this kerfuffle: she tried for years to convince me and my brother to fight/claim all the stuff back. I think that my father had somehow brainwashed my mother (classic NPD tactic!) into believing that, so long as she stayed by his side/in the marriage, her children (us) would inherit all his "fortune". Problem was that he never had any money at all. All my life (age 11 -25) I had seen him as a broke "entrepreneur" with unpaid debts, defaults on mortgages, borrowing money from the grades 10 -12 scholarship I got at school, later on plundering my account liberally as I worked my ar$e off with 2-3 jobs to pay back my student loans. I knew he was penniless, so I was surprised people actually got something out of his "estate". Bottomline: people who use money as leverage for emotional matters are the most disempowered and desperate people in the world. In their sick minds, they want to believe that money can buy them anything and everything they want. Yet, deep down, they also know that it can't; hereby trapping themselves in a purgatory of self-delusion. It saves them the hassle of learning the language and the words to express their needs, because they use the transfer of money as a way to establish/break rapport. It's just a temporary measure, never a sustainable way to live a life.
Nachannachle I guess generation gap also could be a factor, since it was much cheaper and a more common sign of comfort to have money and land in their generation, perhaps an around after war time around the world, as times change, social norms and things to care for could be getting altered causing misinterpretations in the different languages of love? Perhaps it could even be argued to inherit some/a bit of applicable emotional, behavioral or even use of language could be inherited, and their views on other things can be disinherited? I wonder if they can be evaluated according to what they learned about parenting and not having enough resources or the internet during their generation of parenting and their sole model was only what they witnessed in their family of origin, and it will everevolve over generations, perhaps today’s doable actions of parenting will be critised later on by the next generation even? I don’t know ☺️
Daniel, thank you so much for making this video and sharing your story. I'm 40 now and I also have given up all thoughts of receiving an inheritance from my abusive, toxic and neglectful parents. You're right. Parents don't legally owe their children anything. I'm better off living on the money I make during my lifetime.
Daniel, I'm sorry you weren't loved by your parents, and then the ultimate insult came with the disinheritance. Unbeknownst to me, my father quietly and secretly had a will written out 7 years before he died and left everything to my brother, my only sibling. My brother was given a copy and remained silent. What's really confusing is that my father told me on at least three occasions that his entire estate was going to be split 50/50 between my brother and I, which I thought was strange, because why wouldn't it? I don't know if he was planning on changing the will and never got around to it, or was rubbing salt in the wound over some grudge he may have been holding against me. I can't imagine him being that vindictive, but he was one to hold grudges. Apparently, he must have had some kind of beef with me that he of course, never communicated. He had trouble expressing his feelings. I assumed we had a normal father/daughter relationship. The sad thing is that he had to have known that this disinheritance would create an adversarial relationship with my only sibling, and he didn't care. My greedy brother never shared, and I haven't spoken to him since my father's funeral. But, I have moved on with my life, am loved by others, and am happy.
Greedy siblings bring more pain. Just like in our family. The golden child believes he deserves all of their goods and " affection ". And their children believe that too . I just pray for some justice in life on another level
I just found this video and it helped me. I grew up poor and the only inheritance was the house. My mom is selling it and giving part of it to my sister but none to me. It broke me and I realized I was never going to be good enough. I could never meet her checklist of demands which always grew. The double standards between my sister and I were large. But out of the two of us, I’ve got a 6 digit salary, home and meeting my dreams. Her conditional love made me realize I was on my own and only I could change my life. My sister has lived a life of handouts and continues to do so. Thanks for helping me see the truth and realize I’m really free.
Sounds like my own family situation, & the same process I've had to go through. The "love"was always conditional, & those conditions included never objecting to physical & emotional abuse. As painful a realization as it is, I still think it's preferable to kowtowing & essentially becoming complicit in one's own abuse instead. Money isn't worth having to live a life that makes you want to die. I'm sorry that so many have experienced similar.
emmelawrence I suppose we all experienced neglect, abuse of harm like any other, maybe their lack of getting to have all their emotions towards their of past abuse is the reason they can’t react to you getting harmed in any way, getting them in a freeze response and not being able to process? The same happened to me also, I think they sometimes can’t cope even hearing about it and want to change the subject or not be able to witness with all-compassion due to a lack of ability to do so 😞 I’m truly sorry about their lack of ability to process and object to any harm or abuse that you have or will or are currently going through
What a horrible and sad tale. In France and Belgium, it is illegal to disinherit one of your children. There are many rules to make sure that each child receives a fair share. I suppose that rich people are still administratively able to find ways to escape from this, and thus to create blackmail and pressure.
That's so messed up, using money to manipulate children. I never thought about my parents' money at all, it never was a conversation topic. Honestly, I think it's their money, and they can do whatever they want with it. As an adult, I don't think I have any right over what they possess, and I think that's a good thing.
Thank you for this video, it’s helped me make sense of a lot of things. My father didn’t disinherit me but he spent money that was put away for me and my brother for our 21st birthdays without telling us. It’s always been such a painful point of betrayal but I could never place my finger on why exactly. I don’t keep in contact with him anymore (for a number of reasons) and I feel a lot better for it. Some people are just not capable of love in any meaningful way.
Thanks a lot. I want to let you know that timing for this video for me is so right that it is almost creepy. My parents just kinda did this to me this week and I was at loss of words for how to explain what had happened, even to myself. I would like to add why such a behaviour from parents is hurtful because it violates the children one more time, they have a chance of one more thing out of many that they have deprived their child when they had power over that small child, now they can deprive of any financial support that they are perfectly capable to provide. Children in their minds in order to love their parents and have their love, make all kinds of excuses; that may be parents were not capable of providing what a child needed but then this behaviour comes out when they are completely capable but still try very hard to deprived their own children; makes it very difficult to give them the benefit of doubt in previous instances of abuse as well. So the saddness child feels is not over money but over all the years of abuse that they put their child through. It all strikes as bolt of lightening especially for those children who were keeping a hold to a very little but some hope of love from their parents.
If you think about it from the perspective of an adult, it is not that important in reality. Consider this a gift: they are giving you the chance to start anew somewhere, far away from their clusterfxxx upbringing they gave you. Take it and run with it. You can't disown a child because a child doesn't give a sh!t about money. And you can't control an adult if s/he is already busy living his/her own life. The inheritance drama is a vapid narrative set up to seek attention by people who have become redundant and often rightly so. Love your kids, treat them well and they will never cut you off nor care about your money. All is well.
My step mother died a few years ago. I have heard nothing about the will. My father died about ten years ago. I quickly found out that in his will I was supposed to orgaise his funeral with his wife (not my step mother) who I hardly knew and didn't perticularly like. I was also meant to administer his will which said the money would go to his wife till she died then some would go to me. The will also said that I would administer his wifes will when she died, which could be in twenty or more years time, a women who I hardly knew and didn't warm too. As soon as I heard all this I saw a lawyer who said I didn't have to do anything in the will. I offered my fathers widow to help organise the funeral but said I would not administer the will but heard nothing. Even from the grave my father tried to control me but this time I didn't bite. I guess I could find out if there is something in the will for me, but is it worth it?
I am just now recently am having to come to terms with the ugly realization that my dad doesn’t really love me also :( it’s such an awful thing to face. Conditional approval is not the same as Love. Looking back on it, my dad would only treat me nice when he wanted something or I complied with his version of who I was supposed to be. As long as I played the role he assigned to me. So hard to accept... but it’s getting harder and harder to believe in the denial fantasy these days...
Thank you for this. My mother disonherited me for similar reasons. It brought into sharp relief that all her affection at all times had always been conditional on my behaving as she ordained, and that clarity, though tragic, has been immensely valuable.
You are a brilliant observer and communicator, Daniel. Deep down, your parents have to be terribly proud of their creation. And, understandably, it can't be easy for them to hear what you have to say. You do repeatedly acknowledge that they loved you significantly more than they were loved, You are courageous and loving. I hope, almost more for their sake (but, of course, for yours as well), that they open their hearts to you and heal.
This reminded me of my dad. Only he didn't disinherit me, he proudly & loudly disowened me. There wasn't any money in our family. Evidently there was only ownership.
Relatable, I have a friend who's grandfather (very wealthy) disinherited their side of the family due to not marrying another in their own religion. One side of my family also has lots of adoptions and disinherited children for some reason. I can find so much conditional childhood love and abandonment in everyone whenever I really dig into people, it's everywhere! It took while for adult me to stop transferring feelings from my grade-point-average-loving father to my bosses in my professional life, I can't imagine the difficult issues most people suffer due to real abandonment!
Inheritance means nothing to me. Relationships mean everything. My parents discarded me after they had no further use of me. My mother did as much as possible to destroy me up until these days...where she is now demanding that I give her all of my attention because there is no one left that is alive that she can speak negatively about me to. And to my father, I am dead.
Listening to this, I see that I still have some sore spots from my father's way of leaving nothing at all to any of his children, excepting debts, which were not paid by me. I could not go to the funeral. Thank you for the healing words, Daniel.
not2tees I feel for you. Perhaps he left you his memories of trying to be a good parent, learning along the way, making mistakes and excuses out of internalised guilt, which is okay, maybe he held you as a baby and told you tales? Showed you how to swim or ride a bike and trysted you to be an adult succeed at taking care of you? Is it too sugar-coated thinking I can’t tell
@@tribalkoala I do have good memories of him, and I loved him, but he was not very adult and was a poor judge of character and had bad friends. They cleaned him out and he signed off on it.
not2tees he sounds like he was naive and wanted to fit in, which might’ve made him make some bad financial decisions, we never know when we will die and how much time there is to complete at our goals, I could die any given day like any other and perhaps leave a mess behind of unresolved interrelational or property-wise assets for other to have to handle. I am truly sorry for your father’s loss 😔
not2tees yes perhaps it is something to learn and improve upon from our ancestors, take the good parts improve on the others, dealing with all the other natural traumas life will bring, sharing the happy and the sad together. The idea of perfectionist parenting these days have also made me feel afraid to be a parent myself, perhaps one day I will see that it is an extreme sport type of adrenaline and I read in shamanism that the sound of children soften the heart like no other noise can )
My father died in 2020 and my mother has chosen me to take on the scapegoat role. It has been absolutely awful, my narcissist sister is trying to push me out of the inheritance by talking poorly about me. I don’t use drugs, alcohol or gamble, I paid for my own education married well and I don’t need any financial help. I will be pushed out of inheritance because I’m self sufficient and I don’t need them. It’s really awful.
Same happened to me. You are not alone. I married someone well off and my father decided I didnt need my inheritance, and well also did not care how I felt. Major NPD. So, I can relate.
The truth is when we learn to take care of ourselves, heal ourselves, love ourselves, and make money for ourselves - we will make more out of life than what they can ever pass on to us.
Sooo true! One does have to accept at some point that one's parents never loved them because they were unloved themselves. It (the painful truth) is quite liberating in a sense.
Our son has chosen to spread false stories about us as his parents and chosen a life of debauchery. After starting he wanted no contact with us and threatened to call the police if we invaded his privacy???? we cannot enable him financially in his self destructive behavior. This has been the most painful experience as parents that most people cannot imagine. Our hearts bleed everyday and we miss him terribly. There is no end to our tears.
Someone does not just go no contact from their parents for no reason. It is interesting you conveniently left out why he did that. Regardless, if you don’t care about him this is the best way you can show it to him.
@@dblaze9757 agreed. He still has a future, life requires money. My dad discarded me, left it all to his gf. I hate him. And her. I was the last surviving child out of four. Oh the grief.
@@Thatsbannanas-d8c My dad left all his inheritance to my older brother who is the pure definition of a bum. My point wasn’t that OP’s son should not get it, it’s about whether this parent cares or not. If they don’t, they shouldn’t dress it up as something else. A caring parent will leave something for their kids, there could be conditions to be met but nothing means they don’t care.
@@dblaze9757 it’s a real sewer, a real drain, Inheritance speaks from the grave. ! That stuff is dangerous. Hurts like hell. It’s rented enough space in my head. Just say stop when it pops up! Just say f that. Be gentle to yourself. You are loved, you matter.
@@Thatsbannanas-d8c Sorry to hear what you went through. It can be frustrating, not even about the money but the betrayal. I’m an introvert and black sheep of the family so it wasn’t a big deal, I was already being neglected. But these situations only make us stronger.
Maybe they acted out of fright of you getting harmed, and didn’t know how to handle their feelings, bursting in anxiety, they are all human after all. I’m sure they would want you to experience what was making you feel warm and good if they could get a say and think clearly
Thank you, this really resonated. Going through this with my elderly father at the moment. As you say, it is immensely hurtful and terribly liberating. I have to choose myself over the money. He will give it all to his carer who used to be my friend and he will enjoy causing pain. Half of the money belonged to my mother and she would never have allowed him to do this if she were still alive. I loved your comment about litanies and the horse escaping from the barn - I will be thinking of that the next time he erupts.
14:05 Does the parent owe the child love, owe the child money? aaah... yes! Parents are under obligation to love their offspring and do what is in the best interests of them. On top of all that, you have helped a lot of people. Hopefully your parents will see and recognize this when they are really old. It takes a lot of time. When they have no more agility of a youthful mind to manipulate they will hopefully ease into the acknowledgement of a son who has had the intelligence, heart and gumption to turn things around for the better. At great pain, effort, sweat and tears at that ! And if they really dare relax, they may even get to a place where they start to feel proud of such a son. Miracles are happening as we speak. Truth is stranger than fiction. But one thing is certain. We stand. We do not cower to mental illnesses.
I have been in despair over disinheritance. I am struggling and hope to feel better soon. A twist is that mom is still alive and would like to change it, but I cannot legally do much about it. I have a lot of anger towards her and self-loathing. I want to move on, but it consumes literally my every second… yes, even sleeping. I hope I feel hopeful soon.
My son has not spoke to visited me since 2019. I have no idea why. I’ve made numerous attempts to find out what the problem is. I am 72 and heartbroken. My love is UNCONDITIONAL. Only child. I will love him till the day I die. It’s not always the parent.
I love Daniel for shedding light on difficult and avoided subjects and provide options for people to get inspired by on how to deal with difficult people that are forcing them to deal with their issues, we only have enough energy, time and patience to deal with our own issues unless we are paid for it and are the hostage of the therapist or the workplace even. That to me is the voluntary kind of hostage situation, or maybe that was just how it went in my case.
Just found out my wife’s narc father secretly removed her from the will. Her sister now gets 100% of the estate. He didn’t think we’d find out. In turn, we disowned him from ever seeing his only grandchild again. Christmas is going to be a bitch when he’s the only one not there and we tell the whole family what he did.
I wonder when the nuclear family system will fall. The whole system, cultures and traditions consider the family unit as holy... Once it falls everything will fall as well...
firas firas I think other people getting too involved in parental and child figure related decisions are adding to the fuel of nuclear, it could be offered in a soft and gentle way but getting too involved in any relationship could be causing harm to the dynamic of the relationship, I have witnessed that usually in therapy the sad memories are discussed but the happy memories are not that much covered which would also be a good way to have insight into the dynamic and the reasons behind ))))
@@tribalkoala I mean we should not have one mother and one father figure... We should design a new collective living bases on sharing of knowledge and open constant learning... Nuclear family is part of this oppressive system, we thrive in being with many kids and many adults and different ages... And it won't leave the door open for a crazy mother or father to walk on the dignity of any child...
I omitted my name, my wife's name, and my three children's names, from BOTH my parents' obituaries which created "lots of controversy/family gossiping" at both their wakes/funeral services (very distracting), neither one I/we attended. I'm certain that neither parent ever thought that I would do or think of such a thing to do!!
Question ! My husband and I plan to pass away with no obituary for either of us. We will not inform anyone of our deaths except for our executor and legally-necessary people. My husband’s ex-wife and alienated/estranged children are living. They are disinherited and will not be informed of anything. We all currently live in the same small town and involved in certain family/social connections, so when they do find out, we’re concerned that they will take it upon themselves to write an obituary for him that both of us would not approve of. Would it be best for us to write and publish our own obituaries (where they could easily access our information), or just keep quiet and hope they leave us the h alone ?
In sympathy Daniel. I’m likewise an only child who doesn’t know if I’ve been disinherited or not. But meantime I still have lasting power of attorney for my Dad and, while I try to untangle his complex finances, I’m finding myself covering some of the costs of his care. I console myself knowing I am a better daughter to him than he was a father to me. But this is hard
Alison Dunning I can relate, my father can be a baby at times, still it can be alikr social service that you are taking care, not because you have to, I wish you all the support you need for taking care of a baby that can speak, you would at least remember him in comfort, my loving feelings are with you
I wish I had found your content long ago. I hope that if I ever work with another therapist, they have the self reflection and humility you appear to have. I separated from my family nearly 20 years ago. A couple years back my father died. I have never experienced a moment of relief like that before. Some family members were leaving me awful messages that I never responded to. That’s how I got word. He was explosively violent, relentless and terrifying. I was at one point I was the executor of his will, my brother is not reliable in the slightest. Several months later I got a copy of his will, his first agenda was me, he named me, I give you nothing, I named you so you cannot contest my final wishes. He gave my brother everything. When you have those moments of doubt”maybe I’m the asshole” maybe I’m to harsh” and you return to the fray and quickly realize you weren’t harsh enough, early enough. Thank you for continually stepping in front of that camera and sharing.
Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best form of THERAPY I have ever found ! .......... Leaves you with no more Questions !!! * REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !
My husband’s father, who had five children with his first wife(my husband’s mother) didn’t leave anything to his ex wife or his five children when he died. Everything went to his second wife, and child with her. All of it. He also physically and psychologically abused my husband and his siblings, and psychologically abused my mother in law. Even my mother, who was a psychopath, didn’t disinherit us. I think she still wanted to control us after she died.
Despite the positives, your father was a Malignant Narcissist. These kinds of people aim to control and destroy their children beyond the grave. They are sick individuals.
It sounds like we have the same "father". The only thing I ever wanted from my "father" was his love and respect. He didn't even have the courage to tell me about taking me out of the will. . I heard it from a friend that worked with him. I'm a simple person with simple interests. It doesn't take much money to live the way I have chosen. I honestly don't want anything he has. So I ended our relationship 3 years ago because of the continous contempt he showed my wife and children. Enough was finally enough. I can accept the situation for what it is most days, and then there are days like today where I would rip my heart out of my chest with my bare hands and give it to him if it would somehow bridge the terrible distance between us. It would never be enough though. Thanks so much for posting this video. I don't feel quite as lonely as I did an hour ago.
Thankyou for addressing this my mother disinherited me Im 1 of 7 children the. Only one disinherited. Ruined our sibling relationship. My mom had a history of threathening us with disinheritance very controlling belittling. Emotional abusive. I never felt loved by her she loved on conditions very painful😢
My Mom looked me in the face and told me she and her husband are leaving nothing and they are spending it all. She handed me working papers when I was 14 and I had to get a job after school. I paid for my college 100%. I owe her nothing.
It is true that we must distance ourselves from abusers, no matter who they might be, but it is not always possible. Granted, it may be easier to distance oneself from abusive parents once a person is grown. It is easy to distance oneself from abusive teachers, babysitters or nannies or neighbors or former classmates from childhood once we are adults. It there are other abusive family members -- extended family members, creating distance physically, emotionally, etc. from them as soon as one has control to do this is essential you well-being. Daniel, I am sorry your parents disinherited you. Maybe they will see your videos and heal and change. I learned much watching this video. Thank you from the core of my heart.
Im in no contact with my dad. My mom is remarried and is also a hateful person. When she goes off on crazy stuff, I do not call or talk to her. If they call me I will be kind, but I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I realize all the abuse they put me thru verbally and emotionally. I wont put myself in a place to let it happen again. I do have more peace.
Angela Lynn I’m so happy you feel peaceful, I hope love finds you everywhere you go, sorry about your mother experiencing emotions that are hard on her soul, good thing that you are in self-protection. I hope she fills with peace, too
Switzerland has a very interesting system whereby a wealthy person can gift 100,000+ euros' worth of property (real estate, boats, vehicles, jewellery, etc.) to family or friends with no tax consequences for the recipient SO LONG AS THE TRANSFER TAKES PLACE 3 OR MORE YEARS PRIOR TO THEIR DEATH. Amounts and deadlines vary by each Swiss Canton but this is the general idea. Any inheritance taxes due will increase rapidly and exponentially every so many months before the date of death. This makes me think of my old Narc parents hanging on to every last penny but my mom saying "You're in my will" after I just asked for help because I lost my income due to COVID. I replied to her, "Where's the joy in that? If you want to help me, DO IT WHILE YOU'RE ALIVE!" The NPD parents are in Corona Capital of Florida while my career took me to Paris 20 years ago. Broken the trauma bond they are guilting me now with the "You're so far away" and "When are you coming back?" My mom would love to see me penniless and forced to return to the States to be her live-in caregiver. PS - The Swiss documents were a newsletter I recently translated FR to EN for a lawyer there and you can find details online. It's a very good tax scheme to make these super-wealthy old Narcs start to hand over the goods (give a TRUE GIFT) without making their children pay up to 50% taxes on the full value after they pass on. But since most NPDs could care less about others, these ultra-materialistic Baby Boomers cling to their diamonds and crystal and Chanel bags long after their expiration date has passed.
Money does not make anyone happy....Yes, can make life easier...Happiness is being authentic ...Personally, I would tell him to stick his money where the sun dont shine!.....Narcissist are vindictive!...Been following you since your post on "Critique of Psychotherapy) Great insight always..Thank you Daniel.
I don't think parents should have the right to disinherit their children. It's not up to the parents to judge their adult children's choices, no matter how they dislike those choices. An inheritance should always be distributed fairly and equally between all the children, no matter what. Sometimes it's a small compensation for years of emotional abuse dished out by narcissistic parents. However adult children should not be unreasonable either and ask for more than they're entitled to. For example, if one sibling cared for an elderly parent, while the other siblings were estranged, the caring one should get more, because she put time and effort into looking after an aging parent.
Your not alone. Thank you for this insightful conversation now I understand what was happening between me and my mother. I don’t have to feel guilty about my choices and that I’m not waiting for free money to make me feel whole.
THANK YOU for sharing THIS. I know how deeply hurtful and difficult it is to talk about such a painful experience. You did it exceptionally well. 💯🙌💯 You validated and confirmed everything i experienced and felt. THANK YOU. Sleep easy knowing that You're a MUCH better person, and capable of healing Yourself, AND Your Family's generational traumas by healing Yourself, and THAT is something they CAN'T do. They have no idea how much of an asset to the Family We actually are. The "scapegoats/black sheep"/meek shall inherit the Earth.
Love is unconditional. May disapprove unhealthy behavior or habits but teach your children and parents about what love means to you (only control you have) in daily lives-communication/appreciation/modeling behaviors you expect or experience from them!! At the end you need peace and joy for everyone involved.
The pain of finding out I was completely disinherited “after” my father’s death is an emotional gut punch! Is there a support group for this type of betrayal?
I'm new to your channel and would like to know your thoughts on dysfunctional families and sibling relationships. Maybe you can do a video on this topic where there is the silent treatment or passive aggressive behavior involved.
Though I am late in discovering your video, the marrow of your message sustains me. I am riding the fault line with an aging parent. Three words: Rich. In. Soul.
At least he had a father who wanted to be in his life- I had to quit begging my father for a relationship. My sister as well. Dude just doesn’t want to know who I am. It is inconceivable in my mind to not want to know everything about my one and only son. I can surmise that likely a contributing factor his Christianity also paints me in the “them” category outside of the “Us”-es he identifies with. As a conservative charlatan (that’s a denomination right?!@‘) errrr charismatic I represent everything that’s sending Merica to h-e-double-hockey sticks. If only he knew I feel the exact same way about him, we could bond and share about that. It wasn’t that he abandoned my sister and I, he just never was a father and he was very disengaged when he was home. He was the son of a preacher (Pentecostal- think speaking in tongues and shaking and lurching all over the church floor) who I gather didn’t know how to be a father to his kids, and since this affected my father deeply, my father did absolutely nothing about it and gave us even leas parenting and once I turned 21 (15 years ago) he just quit reaching out, ever. Actually I take that back, there was this one time when he ratted me out to the Feds, but that’s a whole other can of shit beans. I wasted 10 years furious at him, 4 years broken-hearted about him, and about a year ago I found my break thru…. I NOTHING him. I don’t love or hate, I don’t have compassion or empathy, I just nothing him. Which is essentially what his indifference always equated to. I’ve just given up on ever having a father, or accountability. I quit wasting my thoughts on him. As this video states as well (or maybe it was the last one- Ive watched nothing but this channel since discovering it) I also quit looking for another parental figure to fill his shoes….. Ive just accepted the fact that I’ll never have the father Ive always wanted, he’ll never be the father Ive always deserved, and that a child should never have to beg a parent to have a relationship with them. I hope he enjoys Heaven, because God knows I won’t be knocking on his golden door of his cloud house at any time for all eternity. Amen.
My dad died two weeks ago. I realized he disinherited me a couple months previously when he allowed my Golden Child sister to meet an attorney with him and he revised his Will and my name was removed. I had been No Contact with my sister for six years. She was probably angry about it and dad frequently accused me of "hating" his Golden Child. This was his revenge against me. It is a harsh reality to see you were not only unloved but vilified.
Thank you for your insight into this particular type of parental abuse. I have experienced this sort of emotional abuse three times in my life (my father/stepmother, my mother-in-law, my stepfather/mother). In the years leading up to the third occasion (my stepfather/mother) I was on the receiving end of a smear campaign presumably to convince my siblings that I did not deserve anything, just in case they might think it was unfair. As it happens, they were more than happy to go along with me being the "bad guy". The narrative spread around even included stuff about it being my fault that my father and stepmother disinherited all of their children - "If you had been nice to our stepmother...blah, blah, blah". As it happens I was never once disrespectful to her. I always spoke to her politely, even though I thought she was a cold-hearted gold-digger from the very start. My father limply gave into her every demand throughout their marriage, including signing everything that he still owned over to her while lying on his deathbed. She was determined that she was going to have it all. A couple of days before he died, she even went as far as to remove from his finger a gold ring that was once my great-uncle's, so that no one in the family would get it. And that unbelievably awful behaviour was my fault??? Yes, it seems it was. I have been left out of family events, given the silent treatment when I have reached out, and, before my mother died, attempts to talk about why I was being treated this way were just whisked away or I would get comments out of the blue like "Its such a pity you can't get on with your sister (or brother)". It has driven me nuts at times. If it was not for my husband's support, I feel it would have done. He knows what it feels like because his mother did much the same to him. Inheritances should be a parent's final message to their child/ren about how much they love them. It doesn't matter how big or small the inheritance is. Just that each child receives the same amount to show that they are all loved equally. As it is for me the message has consistently been "You don't matter to me, and I don't care how much I hurt you" and, on the last occasion, it was "You have always matter less to me than your brothers and sister". It does make me laugh though when I think about my stepfather's epitaph on his grave saying "Remember me with love". Yes, of course, I will (NOT!). You mean-minded bastard! I perhaps don't need to say I feel parents should not have the right to bestow such emotional harm upon their child/ren. It is utterly despicable. In fact, it is beyond despicable. If it happens to you don't take it personally. Get on with your life, enjoy what you do have and that you do not have to say thank you to anyone for it. You may be a lot poorer, but money is not the main ingredient for a happy life. Did their money make them happy? No! Happy people do not dump their shit on those whose only 'crime' was being born to them.
You may not have outright disrespected ur stepmother to her face. If you gossiped and mocked behind their backs, they knew. No self-respecting stepmother would, nor should, accept that behavior.
I had an AA sponsor whose dad owned five banks-this would have been the sixties-which he sold and became a major shareholder in Chase Manhattan. My friend was a private air pilot. When my friend QUIT drinking his father cut him out of his will. He gave his fortune to my friend's ex-wife instead, because she hung around to take the role of drinking buddy. I never saw any resentment in my sponsor about it.
You're not alone. Didn't have the threat of being disinherited, but my relationships with parents was largely dysfunctional. I can see how the dysfunction in THEIR relationship with parents ended up transferring to their own children. Unless one recognizes the pattern of abuse and breaks it, one is prone to repeat it.
I was one of the lucky ones who got out, Disinheriting is one thing i managed to escape the legacy of a sociopath narcissistic parent (family) who would rather have your head on a spike for victory than to accept their shortcomings and violations of your humanity and self. I love a Quote from a Tunisian Sheikh (IMRA N Hosein) that goes lile, " One of the greatest things about this life is that even the Oppressor has to die " , Ramses II died and so did his Magicians, Mine practiced witchcraft and were completely posessed. God has a way of showing these scum of the earth that His power is eternal and whatever it is that these people do is going to come back to them.
I am the oldest and have 5 brothers, one has been estranged for 10 years, we live in the same area. He cut her off for saying our Dad had abused her, which he did horrifically, I was the only one old enough to witness it. He actually lives 3 blocks away from my Mom and tells people we are all crazy. I asked my Mother to cut him out of her estate because I do not want to be in a position where I would have to tolerate him at this point , I am executor and power of attorney. My mom is 79 and has early dementia from all the head injuries she received from being abused. There are times when disinheritance is appropriate
Parents shouldn’t disinherit their children and should treat them the same. Provision should be made even if you hate your kids or if they are unwell. We didn’t ask to be born. It is extremely disrespectful to disinherit a child. It will make the child feel worthless and unloved and have repercussions on future relationships. It will also cause problems amongst the siblings. Those relationships will be fractured forever with each of them worried if the other asks them for money. It does make you question yourself whether your parents even loved you to begin with.
I learned that I was disinherited today. Left everything to his step-daughter. I thought we were close. I loved him deeply, unconditionally, so why do I feel so hurt? I had to stay in bed all day.
What if your adult child lets you down in your crisis. I mean a hard core crisis, when you are a victim of criminals, you need help and the child's answer, although they know that you are a victim, that the parent just made it up, the story with being a victim. I am gonna give everything, not just money, but my loyalty and deepest gratefulness to the people who helped and help me in this situation.
I am No contact with my abusive parents for over 10 years now. I wouldn't trade all the money in the world for what I have learnt about myself and the world around me. Money can't buy happiness or make up for years of torment or abuse. If they do leave me anything(unlikely as it is) I will be donating it. Thanks Daniel, I always enjoy your videos.
right on, it takes so much bravery and strength to do that. you're heroic!
Good for you!
How did you do this? and how do you stay strong?
@@dianeibsen5994 It wasn't easy. I came to realise that it didn't matter what I did they could not see ME of hear ME. Their version of reality was not my own. I was just a prop in THEIR world. They did not have the ability to love themselves or anyone else. I knew that I had to take my focus off of them, an d place it back on myself and my own healing. We can't change other people only ourselves. I hope this helps.
@@happygardener7954 Thank you for sharing this. I wish inheritance was an issue for me at all. but I've been struggling financially my whole adult life having chronic illness. Poverty. I know much of my illness is about not being supported seen or heard. Abuse. I've been homeless the last three years because of no family support. I was finally approved for a Section 8 housing voucher recently. So letting go of the idea of any inheritance in the future is not easy. But I also don't want to have contact with my family. They're all very sick.
In 2023, I am 63 years old. 13 years ago, I stopped accepting orders and abuse from my parents. They disinherited me. I never cared about anything that they had, except, if they had had love for me, I would’ve cared about that. You hit the nail on the head. The hardest part is realizing that your parents don’t and never did love you. It’s just so unimaginable to me, it is very hard to digest. Thank you for your video. I don’t feel as alone as I did 16 minutes ago. ❤
Thank you 🙏
I was disinherited by my father, but he was terminally diagnosed and had alzheimers. Its a nightmare and very painful. But also I do not think it means they didnt love you.
I was disinherited as well. It was painful at first, but looking back at it, he disinherited me from the evil following his lineage as well.
@@dxfactorial it’s very very common, a lot more common than people realize. I got my inheritance from Jesus, and that’s all I need.
@@IMadeThis123 I said the same thing too. My inheritance is in Christ, and funny enough, the literal translation of my birth name is “leave everything to God.” He left me off his will, but I am in God’s will and he has given me an inheritance that no one can ever take away.
“In my Fathers house, there are many mansions. If it were not so, I would not have told you. Behold, I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14: 2
I know the video hasnt been out long enough to give proper feedback on the video but I just wanted to say that my financially and emotionally abusive father recently kicked me out and disowned me. Part of what has been helping me not spiral into depression is gaining a deeper understanding about his motives through learning from your videos. Thank you.
That sounds horrible, I hope everything goes alright for you, you could just go and get a keymaker to exchange the key and kick him out, and if he has problems he could go to the police which I doubt he will do, probably knowing what he did was completely wrong himself also, or just go get him by his ear and put him out of the house yourself. If you have financial difficulties, it is your parents responsibility by making the decision to have you unless it would make him truly much poorer, especially during an epidemic like corona threatening everyone’s lives, putting you at risk for no reason. :///
Trying to understand why others are sick will not help you to take care of yourself.
Now is the time to act and access whatever healthy resources you can to help yourself. If you can survive the short term, you may just find yourself thriving without that toxic relationship holding you back.
Be safe and take care.
It's very hard without support, and if you seek support you have be careful and ENSURE the therapist understands abusive relationships.
Daniel - why don't some therapists acknowledge or help people with abusive relationships? And in some cases collude with the abusers & make things worse? Please tell.
daisy7066 I guess since perhaps they are too stockholmed as Daniel explained in another video by authority figures and making mistakes, perfectionism or material addiction and preservation that they can’t see the situation clearly, having been under the influence of tthe common dellusions of society, feeling pressured to break free and trying to detain their subconscious desire to also be able to choose what is best for them, being in an internal conflict about what that might be, transferring onto the client? I can’t tell for sure. I hope Daniel is feeling okay lately with everything and sharing his state in a difficult time with a lot of deaths and isolation around the world, in order to provide assistance for others I fear is being hard on him at times as I heard him say before about being too hard on himself after posting a video publicly, especially contravertial kind )
My father has threatened to do the same several times and has actually done it before . You are not alone . I chose to leave last year and I am better off for it . improving little by little . I hope there's shelter you can take somewhere else .
I really don't think there is anything my kids could do that I would ever disinherit them. Ever. and I have one child that has been very difficult with OCD and BPD. Still love him every day and try to help him be a better person. Whatever it takes.
Well wish you were my mum. I totally agree with you too...
❤
I was disinherited. It’s not the money or physical material, it’s the non love that hurts. I was diagnosed with insulin dependent type 1 diabetes at age 10. Been giving myself 3-4 shots a day since 1973, it will be 50 yrs this Sept. The out of pocket costs, high & low blood sugar episodes, hospital stays, abusive police who think I’m on drugs when suffering from low blood sugar, etc. I have one sibling, a healthy older brother, who inherited the entire 120 acre family farm 20 yrs ago and all its belongings and he’s shunning me. He’s always carried a sense of entitlement.
Similar story. I’d like to talk.
@@alexandra-q7u1myou can dominate the financial part of reality.
I believe in you
so sorry for that because your parents should have given you half of the inheritance because your one of the heirs.
Hi everyone. We probably came to watch this video because of our own family issues and being disinherited. No matter who has wronged us, we must push forward and live for ourselves. Walk away from the situation. View them as not your family, but a case study. Create that emotional distance and we will free ourselves. I hope you have a “chosen family” and I send you strength ❤️
Thanks for that ❤️
Awesome advice
I have learned recently that my estranged parents have disinherited me. My parents have excluded me from family events in the past and have turned my siblings against me. My parents don’t speak to their siblings either and growing up we were not allowed speak to relatives. I’ve realized that my family of origin are very dysfunctional and unhealthy to be around! Anyways they know where they can stick their inheritance 😂
I really respect you for showing vulnerability in these videos.
You are so fortunate to learn about your parents feelings. I wish I had learned how my parents felt about me when I was a young adult. I’m 57 and just learned through the death of my step mother that my birth father and her disinherited me in their wills when I was 21 years of age. ( he died in 2005). The entire estate went to the Church they attended. So crushing to now know they did not love me even after years of me trying to get close to them as a child and an adult.
🥰
Your biological mother may have impacted that decision.
Been disinherited.... now watching my brother turn into a version of my Dad on steroids. It's so sad.
That is the worst effect, to see that the monster is reborn into a younger version of itself.
The thing is, mentally disordered people usually groom one of their children in such a way that s/he will carry on with the sick behaviours even after his/her death.
In a sickening way, I think that this perversion is what motivates a lot of mentally unstable people to become parents. >__
@@nachannachle2706, it is sickening. They are not the least bit self aware. They think their behavior is not only normal but desirable.
Nancy Debosek perhaps if some light toward their reflection on you and how it is harmful towards you and him can be discussed, making him feel normal to have to play the person to have to carry the identity inherit but that your brother can choose what would make him feel good and well, actually would set a better example for your father also, since truly parenting is sometimes as I witness shared in family systems for when people have more energy and time to take on some certain roles that others can’t cope to keep up with at times ) I don’t know, I did get some positive effect in doing so
@@tribalkoala , no he is too far gone. He has been enormously materially successful. He listens to no one. Perhaps if it was someone he considered an equal, but I don't think so. His ego is in complete control.
Nancy Debosek mine is the same, when I spent time with him without wanting any of his material that made mine very happy and peaceful and he expressed it frequently, but yes I understand the not listening to anybody part, I just treated him well as best as I could and it worked for some at least. Good to have the memory anyway ))) didn’t have to last for so long
Me, too. My mother left millions of dollars to a museum to look charitable while disowning her daughter.
Were you disinherited outright in the WILL?
I wish I could email you.
Yeah, I'm struck by how my mother is so charitable with her time, support, compliments, energy and attention to everyone else but me. She knows more about the lives of her nieces and nephews than me and her grandchild.
Typical narcissist
My story is similar. We need a support group.
I think most people that have something to inherit, and at the same time, have a bad relationship with their parents they would **all** prefer to have a much better bond with their parents than to be better off financially. Money improves your life up to a point. Even worse, imagine having a lot of money to spend while being a very unhealthy and wounded person.
Erich Fromm, as many other wise humanists have done, taught us decades ago that materialism is self-harm. True wellness comes from taking care of one another and the environment, in doing so we take care of ourselves.
Thank you,
Daniel Mackler,
it's very comforting to me how you stand up for yourself.
I choose freedom over dirty money.
Katie Riffle it would maybe be clean money if you used it for wellness and buying funny gifts for animals and kids or the elderly? :P
You made the right decision. ❤
You’ve described my father quite well. He built a crooked mold for my life and I did my best to play the role he gave me, at least in public. It destroyed my self esteem and left me depersonalized and inauthentic with the other people I interacted with.
Same here... trying to wake up my true Self
This comment really resonates. There is something about knowing another person understand or has been through the same thing. Thank you
I feel the same way. For me they managed to have a doctor put a label of autism on me. That news went through the extended families and other people in my environment. So I was always approached to be the odd one. That became a self-fulfilling prophesy because I couldn't develop myself in interactions with others.
I just went to the PVA office and got a copy of my dads will. He gave 100% to my brother. My brother stopped speaking to me and cut off all communication 4 years. He is pretending that nothing happened. My mom is a champion enabler. These people are at war with me.
What is pva?
Two years ago, I was disinherited by my grandfather and been trying to process that for a long time. Your video helped me have words and understanding about how I've been feeling. Thank you for making this video!
Why would you think you would inherit anything you’re not his daughter?
Very interesting video, as always. Thank you, Daniel!
In Switzerland parents are not allowed to disinherit their children completely: a certain part of the inheritance has to go to them, no matter what. However, this does not make our families any happier or inheritance any less of an issue.
Sadly, no law can make somebody love or care for another person. While parents in my country can be forced to pass on their money to their children, they cannot be forced to love or understand them. This seems to sum up the problem of our legislation: it offers no solution to the underlying issues of unhealthy family systems, toxic relationships and trauma.
Like you, Daniel, I have lost all interest in inheriting anything from my parents (forced or otherwise). Much rather, I want to use my time and energy to focus on my health and happiness. It's astonishing how little money it takes to do that! ;-)
I am from Switzerland and my dad died in 2003, he wrote 8 pages full of lies and hate to dishinerit me so he can give to my 2 sisters. While he crooked me with my grandpa and stole 22'000 euros in Italy, he paid his lawyer so I can't get my own money my grandpa crooked me. Then he was so angry that I won the case in Italy, he disowned me my share of 1/3 of 1'000'000 Swiss Francs.
It’s a pathology, for sure! The same thing happened with my father. It’s thanks to what I learned through your channel that I finally found the courage to go no contact at the beginning of this year. What an alleviation it is to finally be able to learn to father myself. 🙏🏼
truthshallrule you could even have the feeling that you are good without having to father yourself and spending bonding time with loved ones, and perhaps even be able to if you chose to contact or not contact them to just know if they are safe and well, could give a feeling of comfort or not according to your situation which you would know best by trial and error )))
It is a relief to listen to you, I always had my doubts if my thoughts were wrong, although I couldn’t changed them. It is not the value of the money but the emotion attached to it, so painful that when they leave this world their last emotion they share with you is that they didn’t loved you.
It is one way of looking at it, on the other hand, as undeserving as they might try to make it appear, neither they not we are above the law. Just like we would suffer the consequences if we did not pay our phone bill, out liking or disliking of the phone service owner can’t matter and we must pay to keep having the services, and if it is our right to getting a part of the inheretance, we might perhaps not take it emotionally and get what we are fit by law to take because it is our humanright? I guess there are contradicting ideas so I don’t know, my opinion is this kind of thinking might disrupt out relationship or idea on humanrights, not fending for them in other areas of life, street, bookstore, workplace or family systems, making us conformists is what I fear...
Tell me about it, lol!
My dad treated us (his children) like a nuisance all his life, as a way to avoid facing the fact that he was incompetent as a family man. He even whispered to me once during a dinner he had set up: "This family is a shambles..." to which I answered sternly in a tit-for-tat manner: "And whose fault is it...?"
In the last phone conversation I had with him, he told me that he was going to write my name off his will and did not consider me his child anymore. I answered quite dryly: "That's is fine, I don't really care. Just get that divorce to my mother on the table once and for all so that I don't ever have to talk to you again."
10 days later he was dead. I almost didn't go to the funeral, but still did. It was a shambles (as he had rightly predicted) and he had left no will, all my uncles, aunts and cousins just tore through his estate at once.
My mother was the most rattled by all this kerfuffle: she tried for years to convince me and my brother to fight/claim all the stuff back. I think that my father had somehow brainwashed my mother (classic NPD tactic!) into believing that, so long as she stayed by his side/in the marriage, her children (us) would inherit all his "fortune". Problem was that he never had any money at all.
All my life (age 11 -25) I had seen him as a broke "entrepreneur" with unpaid debts, defaults on mortgages, borrowing money from the grades 10 -12 scholarship I got at school, later on plundering my account liberally as I worked my ar$e off with 2-3 jobs to pay back my student loans. I knew he was penniless, so I was surprised people actually got something out of his "estate".
Bottomline: people who use money as leverage for emotional matters are the most disempowered and desperate people in the world. In their sick minds, they want to believe that money can buy them anything and everything they want. Yet, deep down, they also know that it can't; hereby trapping themselves in a purgatory of self-delusion. It saves them the hassle of learning the language and the words to express their needs, because they use the transfer of money as a way to establish/break rapport. It's just a temporary measure, never a sustainable way to live a life.
Nachannachle I guess generation gap also could be a factor, since it was much cheaper and a more common sign of comfort to have money and land in their generation, perhaps an around after war time around the world, as times change, social norms and things to care for could be getting altered causing misinterpretations in the different languages of love? Perhaps it could even be argued to inherit some/a bit of applicable emotional, behavioral or even use of language could be inherited, and their views on other things can be disinherited? I wonder if they can be evaluated according to what they learned about parenting and not having enough resources or the internet during their generation of parenting and their sole model was only what they witnessed in their family of origin, and it will everevolve over generations, perhaps today’s doable actions of parenting will be critised later on by the next generation even? I don’t know ☺️
Purgatory of self-delusion…damn. What a terrible place to live.
Daniel, thank you so much for making this video and sharing your story. I'm 40 now and I also have given up all thoughts of receiving an inheritance from my abusive, toxic and neglectful parents. You're right. Parents don't legally owe their children anything. I'm better off living on the money I make during my lifetime.
Daniel, I'm sorry you weren't loved by your parents, and then the ultimate insult came with the disinheritance. Unbeknownst to me, my father quietly and secretly had a will written out 7 years before he died and left everything to my brother, my only sibling. My brother was given a copy and remained silent. What's really confusing is that my father told me on at least three occasions that his entire estate was going to be split 50/50 between my brother and I, which I thought was strange, because why wouldn't it? I don't know if he was planning on changing the will and never got around to it, or was rubbing salt in the wound over some grudge he may have been holding against me. I can't imagine him being that vindictive, but he was one to hold grudges. Apparently, he must have had some kind of beef with me that he of course, never communicated. He had trouble expressing his feelings. I assumed we had a normal father/daughter relationship. The sad thing is that he had to have known that this disinheritance would create an adversarial relationship with my only sibling, and he didn't care. My greedy brother never shared, and I haven't spoken to him since my father's funeral. But, I have moved on with my life, am loved by others, and am happy.
This just happened to me
Greedy siblings bring more pain. Just like in our family. The golden child believes he deserves all of their goods and " affection ". And their children believe that too . I just pray for some justice in life on another level
I’d like to start a support group.
I just found this video and it helped me. I grew up poor and the only inheritance was the house. My mom is selling it and giving part of it to my sister but none to me. It broke me and I realized I was never going to be good enough. I could never meet her checklist of demands which always grew. The double standards between my sister and I were large. But out of the two of us, I’ve got a 6 digit salary, home and meeting my dreams. Her conditional love made me realize I was on my own and only I could change my life. My sister has lived a life of handouts and continues to do so. Thanks for helping me see the truth and realize I’m really free.
Sounds like my own family situation, & the same process I've had to go through. The "love"was always conditional, & those conditions included never objecting to physical & emotional abuse. As painful a realization as it is, I still think it's preferable to kowtowing & essentially becoming complicit in one's own abuse instead. Money isn't worth having to live a life that makes you want to die. I'm sorry that so many have experienced similar.
emmelawrence I suppose we all experienced neglect, abuse of harm like any other, maybe their lack of getting to have all their emotions towards their of past abuse is the reason they can’t react to you getting harmed in any way, getting them in a freeze response and not being able to process? The same happened to me also, I think they sometimes can’t cope even hearing about it and want to change the subject or not be able to witness with all-compassion due to a lack of ability to do so 😞 I’m truly sorry about their lack of ability to process and object to any harm or abuse that you have or will or are currently going through
Painful truth, but it sets you free.
"becoming complicit in one's own abuse"... very insightful realization. thanks.
What a horrible and sad tale.
In France and Belgium, it is illegal to disinherit one of your children.
There are many rules to make sure that each child receives a fair share.
I suppose that rich people are still administratively able to find ways to escape from this, and thus to create blackmail and pressure.
It's also illegal in British Columbia, Canada. Thank God......
That's so messed up, using money to manipulate children. I never thought about my parents' money at all, it never was a conversation topic. Honestly, I think it's their money, and they can do whatever they want with it. As an adult, I don't think I have any right over what they possess, and I think that's a good thing.
Thank you for this video, it’s helped me make sense of a lot of things. My father didn’t disinherit me but he spent money that was put away for me and my brother for our 21st birthdays without telling us. It’s always been such a painful point of betrayal but I could never place my finger on why exactly. I don’t keep in contact with him anymore (for a number of reasons) and I feel a lot better for it. Some people are just not capable of love in any meaningful way.
Motivated by sheer spite.... Your dad needs to grow up... You've handled it with grace Daniel. Strength to you!!!
To disinherit your children confirms that your love has always been conditional and you have failed as a parent
Exactly
AMEN to that!
True.
Narcissists don’t care.
True
Thanks a lot. I want to let you know that timing for this video for me is so right that it is almost creepy. My parents just kinda did this to me this week and I was at loss of words for how to explain what had happened, even to myself. I would like to add why such a behaviour from parents is hurtful because it violates the children one more time, they have a chance of one more thing out of many that they have deprived their child when they had power over that small child, now they can deprive of any financial support that they are perfectly capable to provide. Children in their minds in order to love their parents and have their love, make all kinds of excuses; that may be parents were not capable of providing what a child needed but then this behaviour comes out when they are completely capable but still try very hard to deprived their own children; makes it very difficult to give them the benefit of doubt in previous instances of abuse as well. So the saddness child feels is not over money but over all the years of abuse that they put their child through. It all strikes as bolt of lightening especially for those children who were keeping a hold to a very little but some hope of love from their parents.
If you think about it from the perspective of an adult, it is not that important in reality.
Consider this a gift: they are giving you the chance to start anew somewhere, far away from their clusterfxxx upbringing they gave you. Take it and run with it.
You can't disown a child because a child doesn't give a sh!t about money. And you can't control an adult if s/he is already busy living his/her own life. The inheritance drama is a vapid narrative set up to seek attention by people who have become redundant and often rightly so.
Love your kids, treat them well and they will never cut you off nor care about your money.
All is well.
My step mother died a few years ago. I have heard nothing about the will.
My father died about ten years ago. I quickly found out that in his will I was supposed to orgaise his funeral with his wife (not my step mother) who I hardly knew and didn't perticularly like. I was also meant to administer his will which said the money would go to his wife till she died then some would go to me. The will also said that I would administer his wifes will when she died, which could be in twenty or more years time, a women who I hardly knew and didn't warm too.
As soon as I heard all this I saw a lawyer who said I didn't have to do anything in the will. I offered my fathers widow to help organise the funeral but said I would not administer the will but heard nothing.
Even from the grave my father tried to control me but this time I didn't bite.
I guess I could find out if there is something in the will for me, but is it worth it?
The way you felt about your parents/ father in your early 20’s is also exactly how I feel now. Very interesting hearing this from someone else
I am just now recently am having to come to terms with the ugly realization that my dad doesn’t really love me also :( it’s such an awful thing to face. Conditional approval is not the same as Love. Looking back on it, my dad would only treat me nice when he wanted something or I complied with his version of who I was supposed to be. As long as I played the role he assigned to me. So hard to accept... but it’s getting harder and harder to believe in the denial fantasy these days...
Thank you for this. My mother disonherited me for similar reasons. It brought into sharp relief that all her affection at all times had always been conditional on my behaving as she ordained, and that clarity, though tragic, has been immensely valuable.
You are a brilliant observer and communicator, Daniel. Deep down, your parents have to be terribly proud of their creation. And, understandably, it can't be easy for them to hear what you have to say. You do repeatedly acknowledge that they loved you significantly more than they were loved, You are courageous and loving. I hope, almost more for their sake (but, of course, for yours as well), that they open their hearts to you and heal.
This reminded me of my dad. Only he didn't disinherit me, he proudly & loudly disowened me. There wasn't any money in our family. Evidently there was only ownership.
Relatable, I have a friend who's grandfather (very wealthy) disinherited their side of the family due to not marrying another in their own religion. One side of my family also has lots of adoptions and disinherited children for some reason. I can find so much conditional childhood love and abandonment in everyone whenever I really dig into people, it's everywhere! It took while for adult me to stop transferring feelings from my grade-point-average-loving father to my bosses in my professional life, I can't imagine the difficult issues most people suffer due to real abandonment!
Inheritance means nothing to me. Relationships mean everything. My parents discarded me after they had no further use of me. My mother did as much as possible to destroy me up until these days...where she is now demanding that I give her all of my attention because there is no one left that is alive that she can speak negatively about me to. And to my father, I am dead.
Listening to this, I see that I still have some sore spots from my father's way of leaving nothing at all to any of his children, excepting debts, which were not paid by me. I could not go to the funeral. Thank you for the healing words, Daniel.
not2tees I feel for you. Perhaps he left you his memories of trying to be a good parent, learning along the way, making mistakes and excuses out of internalised guilt, which is okay, maybe he held you as a baby and told you tales? Showed you how to swim or ride a bike and trysted you to be an adult succeed at taking care of you? Is it too sugar-coated thinking I can’t tell
@@tribalkoala I do have good memories of him, and I loved him, but he was not very adult and was a poor judge of character and had bad friends. They cleaned him out and he signed off on it.
not2tees he sounds like he was naive and wanted to fit in, which might’ve made him make some bad financial decisions, we never know when we will die and how much time there is to complete at our goals, I could die any given day like any other and perhaps leave a mess behind of unresolved interrelational or property-wise assets for other to have to handle. I am truly sorry for your father’s loss 😔
@@tribalkoala Like Daniel says, his parents (and mine) were at least in better shape than their parents. I had a horror of being a parent, myself!
not2tees yes perhaps it is something to learn and improve upon from our ancestors, take the good parts improve on the others, dealing with all the other natural traumas life will bring, sharing the happy and the sad together. The idea of perfectionist parenting these days have also made me feel afraid to be a parent myself, perhaps one day I will see that it is an extreme sport type of adrenaline and I read in shamanism that the sound of children soften the heart like no other noise can )
I Love You Daniel Take care man ❤
7:38 You nailed it. THAT is the only reason he had a child.
My father died in 2020 and my mother has chosen me to take on the scapegoat role. It has been absolutely awful, my narcissist sister is trying to push me out of the inheritance by talking poorly about me. I don’t use drugs, alcohol or gamble, I paid for my own education married well and I don’t need any financial help. I will be pushed out of inheritance because I’m self sufficient and I don’t need them. It’s really awful.
Same here....my mom said Im a hardworker and I can make it in life. Everything went to my 45 yr old sister that never worked.
Same happened to me. You are not alone. I married someone well off and my father decided I didnt need my inheritance, and well also did not care how I felt. Major NPD. So, I can relate.
Why does the money matter if you’re capable? There are disinherited people with disabilities who lose *everything*
The truth is when we learn to take care of ourselves, heal ourselves, love ourselves, and make money for ourselves - we will make more out of life than what they can ever pass on to us.
Sooo true! One does have to accept at some point that one's parents never loved them because they were unloved themselves. It (the painful truth) is quite liberating in a sense.
Our son has chosen to spread false stories about us as his parents and chosen a life of debauchery. After starting he wanted no contact with us and threatened to call the police if we invaded his privacy???? we cannot enable him financially in his self destructive behavior. This has been the most painful experience as parents that most people cannot imagine. Our hearts bleed everyday and we miss him terribly. There is no end to our tears.
Someone does not just go no contact from their parents for no reason. It is interesting you conveniently left out why he did that. Regardless, if you don’t care about him this is the best way you can show it to him.
@@dblaze9757 agreed. He still has a future, life requires money.
My dad discarded me, left it all to his gf. I hate him. And her. I was the last surviving child out of four. Oh the grief.
@@Thatsbannanas-d8c My dad left all his inheritance to my older brother who is the pure definition of a bum.
My point wasn’t that OP’s son should not get it, it’s about whether this parent cares or not. If they don’t, they shouldn’t dress it up as something else.
A caring parent will leave something for their kids, there could be conditions to be met but nothing means they don’t care.
@@dblaze9757 it’s a real sewer, a real drain, Inheritance speaks from the grave. ! That stuff is dangerous. Hurts like hell. It’s rented enough space in my head. Just say stop when it pops up!
Just say f that. Be gentle to yourself.
You are loved, you matter.
@@Thatsbannanas-d8c Sorry to hear what you went through. It can be frustrating, not even about the money but the betrayal.
I’m an introvert and black sheep of the family so it wasn’t a big deal, I was already being neglected. But these situations only make us stronger.
Sounds 100% exactly like mine, psychologist included. I don't work currently, took me a long time to realize why my parents sabotaged so much.
emotionally, it is "real abandonment"
Maybe they acted out of fright of you getting harmed, and didn’t know how to handle their feelings, bursting in anxiety, they are all human after all. I’m sure they would want you to experience what was making you feel warm and good if they could get a say and think clearly
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Your take is always refreshing to hear. Appreciate it, Daniel.
Thank you, this really resonated. Going through this with my elderly father at the moment. As you say, it is immensely hurtful and terribly liberating. I have to choose myself over the money. He will give it all to his carer who used to be my friend and he will enjoy causing pain. Half of the money belonged to my mother and she would never have allowed him to do this if she were still alive. I loved your comment about litanies and the horse escaping from the barn - I will be thinking of that the next time he erupts.
14:05 Does the parent owe the child love, owe the child money? aaah... yes! Parents are under obligation to love their offspring and do what is in the best interests of them. On top of all that, you have helped a lot of people. Hopefully your parents will see and recognize this when they are really old. It takes a lot of time. When they have no more agility of a youthful mind to manipulate they will hopefully ease into the acknowledgement of a son who has had the intelligence, heart and gumption to turn things around for the better. At great pain, effort, sweat and tears at that ! And if they really dare relax, they may even get to a place where they start to feel proud of such a son. Miracles are happening as we speak. Truth is stranger than fiction. But one thing is certain. We stand. We do not cower to mental illnesses.
Thank you for sharing this Daniel.
I have been in despair over disinheritance. I am struggling and hope to feel better soon. A twist is that mom is still alive and would like to change it, but I cannot legally do much about it.
I have a lot of anger towards her and self-loathing. I want to move on, but it consumes literally my every second… yes, even sleeping. I hope I feel hopeful soon.
Reach out and talk to someone there are people who understand.
The psychological damage is what they are aiming for sadly.
My son has not spoke to visited me since 2019. I have no idea why. I’ve made numerous attempts to find out what the problem is. I am 72 and heartbroken. My love is UNCONDITIONAL. Only child. I will love him till the day I die. It’s not always the parent.
I love Daniel for shedding light on difficult and avoided subjects and provide options for people to get inspired by on how to deal with difficult people that are forcing them to deal with their issues, we only have enough energy, time and patience to deal with our own issues unless we are paid for it and are the hostage of the therapist or the workplace even. That to me is the voluntary kind of hostage situation, or maybe that was just how it went in my case.
them ll -> th-cam.com/video/N9a-os06nS4/w-d-xo.html
Just found out my wife’s narc father secretly removed her from the will. Her sister now gets 100% of the estate. He didn’t think we’d find out. In turn, we disowned him from ever seeing his only grandchild again. Christmas is going to be a bitch when he’s the only one not there and we tell the whole family what he did.
Let the rest of the family know his actions. It’s his shame
@@pinkcardigan3329 You bet I will.
Shame is the worst thing to happen to a Narcissist. Imagine Percy’s face when he pisses himself if “The Green Mile”.
I wonder when the nuclear family system will fall. The whole system, cultures and traditions consider the family unit as holy... Once it falls everything will fall as well...
firas firas I think other people getting too involved in parental and child figure related decisions are adding to the fuel of nuclear, it could be offered in a soft and gentle way but getting too involved in any relationship could be causing harm to the dynamic of the relationship, I have witnessed that usually in therapy the sad memories are discussed but the happy memories are not that much covered which would also be a good way to have insight into the dynamic and the reasons behind ))))
@@tribalkoala I mean we should not have one mother and one father figure... We should design a new collective living bases on sharing of knowledge and open constant learning... Nuclear family is part of this oppressive system, we thrive in being with many kids and many adults and different ages... And it won't leave the door open for a crazy mother or father to walk on the dignity of any child...
@@tribalkoala and also leaving with animals and plants... They are the sweetest
I omitted my name, my wife's name, and my three children's names, from BOTH my parents' obituaries which created "lots of controversy/family gossiping" at both their wakes/funeral services (very distracting), neither one I/we attended. I'm certain that neither parent ever thought that I would do or think of such a thing to do!!
Question ! My husband and I plan to pass away with no obituary for either of us. We will not inform anyone of our deaths except for our executor and legally-necessary people. My husband’s ex-wife and alienated/estranged children are living. They are disinherited and will not be informed of anything.
We all currently live in the same small town and involved in certain family/social connections, so when they do find out, we’re concerned that they will take it upon themselves to write an obituary for him that both of us would not approve of.
Would it be best for us to write and publish our own obituaries (where they could easily access our information), or just keep quiet and hope they leave us the h alone ?
In sympathy Daniel. I’m likewise an only child who doesn’t know if I’ve been disinherited or not. But meantime I still have lasting power of attorney for my Dad and, while I try to untangle his complex finances, I’m finding myself covering some of the costs of his care. I console myself knowing I am a better daughter to him than he was a father to me. But this is hard
Alison Dunning I can relate, my father can be a baby at times, still it can be alikr social service that you are taking care, not because you have to, I wish you all the support you need for taking care of a baby that can speak, you would at least remember him in comfort, my loving feelings are with you
Your Channel is Great! Thanks for the anecdotes 🙏
Thankyou for your personal story❤😢
I can associate with Daniels experience. My Father in heaven gives me more love than any parent could or can ever give. Thank you Father!!
I wish I had found your content long ago. I hope that if I ever work with another therapist, they have the self reflection and humility you appear to have. I separated from my family nearly 20 years ago. A couple years back my father died. I have never experienced a moment of relief like that before. Some family members were leaving me awful messages that I never responded to. That’s how I got word. He was explosively violent, relentless and terrifying. I was at one point I was the executor of his will, my brother is not reliable in the slightest. Several months later I got a copy of his will, his first agenda was me, he named me, I give you nothing, I named you so you cannot contest my final wishes. He gave my brother everything. When you have those moments of doubt”maybe I’m the asshole” maybe I’m to harsh” and you return to the fray and quickly realize you weren’t harsh enough, early enough.
Thank you for continually stepping in front of that camera and sharing.
The more I watch your content the more I respect you. All so very relatable.
Indeed. They broke it, you fix it. Thank you for sharing.
wizetek perhaps we never break if we are flexable enough, dent or jump up and down even and not fix but ever-evolve
I'm so sorry for went you went through - that's heartbreaking. I'm happy though you learned the truth so you could grow into your authentic self.
I just love you and admire your strength.
U cant lose what was never yours.
U dont need their hand me downs
Theres nothing ur abusive parents have that u urself cant work hard and buy /earned.
Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best form of THERAPY I have ever found ! ..........
Leaves you with no more Questions !!!
* REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !
My husband’s father, who had five children with his first wife(my husband’s mother) didn’t leave anything to his ex wife or his five children when he died. Everything went to his second wife, and child with her. All of it. He also physically and psychologically abused my husband and his siblings, and psychologically abused my mother in law. Even my mother, who was a psychopath, didn’t disinherit us. I think she still wanted to control us after she died.
So sad 😭😥😔
Does this mean the father loved the second wife and the child more ? 😢😭😥
Despite the positives, your father was a Malignant Narcissist. These kinds of people aim to control and destroy their children beyond the grave. They are sick individuals.
It sounds like we have the same "father". The only thing I ever wanted from my "father" was his love and respect. He didn't even have the courage to tell me about taking me out of the will. . I heard it from a friend that worked with him. I'm a simple person with simple interests. It doesn't take much money to live the way I have chosen. I honestly don't want anything he has. So I ended our relationship 3 years ago because of the continous contempt he showed my wife and children. Enough was finally enough. I can accept the situation for what it is most days, and then there are days like today where I would rip my heart out of my chest with my bare hands and give it to him if it would somehow bridge the terrible distance between us. It would never be enough though. Thanks so much for posting this video. I don't feel quite as lonely as I did an hour ago.
Thankyou for addressing this my mother disinherited me Im 1 of 7 children the. Only one disinherited. Ruined our sibling relationship. My mom had a history of threathening us with disinheritance very controlling belittling. Emotional abusive. I never felt loved by her she loved on conditions very painful😢
My Mom looked me in the face and told me she and her husband are leaving nothing and they are spending it all. She handed me working papers when I was 14 and I had to get a job after school. I paid for my college 100%. I owe her nothing.
They probably saw u were the kind of person they would disinheret so they just spent it all
It is true that we must distance ourselves from abusers, no matter who they might be, but it is not always possible. Granted, it may be easier to distance oneself from abusive parents once a person is grown. It is easy to distance oneself from abusive teachers, babysitters or nannies or neighbors or former classmates from childhood once we are adults. It there are other abusive family members -- extended family members, creating distance physically, emotionally, etc. from them as soon as one has control to do this is essential you well-being. Daniel, I am sorry your parents disinherited you. Maybe they will see your videos and heal and change. I learned much watching this video. Thank you from the core of my heart.
You are so right with what you say. I am a mother myself and you are a very good guide!
Im in no contact with my dad. My mom is remarried and is also a hateful person. When she goes off on crazy stuff, I do not call or talk to her. If they call me I will be kind, but I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I realize all the abuse they put me thru verbally and emotionally. I wont put myself in a place to let it happen again. I do have more peace.
Angela Lynn I’m so happy you feel peaceful, I hope love finds you everywhere you go, sorry about your mother experiencing emotions that are hard on her soul, good thing that you are in self-protection. I hope she fills with peace, too
Switzerland has a very interesting system whereby a wealthy person can gift 100,000+ euros' worth of property (real estate, boats, vehicles, jewellery, etc.) to family or friends with no tax consequences for the recipient SO LONG AS THE TRANSFER TAKES PLACE 3 OR MORE YEARS PRIOR TO THEIR DEATH. Amounts and deadlines vary by each Swiss Canton but this is the general idea. Any inheritance taxes due will increase rapidly and exponentially every so many months before the date of death. This makes me think of my old Narc parents hanging on to every last penny but my mom saying "You're in my will" after I just asked for help because I lost my income due to COVID. I replied to her, "Where's the joy in that? If you want to help me, DO IT WHILE YOU'RE ALIVE!" The NPD parents are in Corona Capital of Florida while my career took me to Paris 20 years ago. Broken the trauma bond they are guilting me now with the "You're so far away" and "When are you coming back?" My mom would love to see me penniless and forced to return to the States to be her live-in caregiver. PS - The Swiss documents were a newsletter I recently translated FR to EN for a lawyer there and you can find details online. It's a very good tax scheme to make these super-wealthy old Narcs start to hand over the goods (give a TRUE GIFT) without making their children pay up to 50% taxes on the full value after they pass on. But since most NPDs could care less about others, these ultra-materialistic Baby Boomers cling to their diamonds and crystal and Chanel bags long after their expiration date has passed.
Money does not make anyone happy....Yes, can make life easier...Happiness is being authentic ...Personally, I would tell him to stick his money where the sun dont shine!.....Narcissist are vindictive!...Been following you since your post on "Critique of Psychotherapy) Great insight always..Thank you Daniel.
I don't think parents should have the right to disinherit their children. It's not up to the parents to judge their adult children's choices, no matter how they dislike those choices. An inheritance should always be distributed fairly and equally between all the children, no matter what. Sometimes it's a small compensation for years of emotional abuse dished out by narcissistic parents. However adult children should not be unreasonable either and ask for more than they're entitled to. For example, if one sibling cared for an elderly parent, while the other siblings were estranged, the caring one should get more, because she put time and effort into looking after an aging parent.
Your not alone. Thank you for this insightful conversation now I understand what was happening between me and my mother. I don’t have to feel guilty about my choices and that I’m not waiting for free money to make me feel whole.
THANK YOU for sharing THIS. I know how deeply hurtful and difficult it is to talk about such a painful experience.
You did it exceptionally well. 💯🙌💯
You validated and confirmed everything i experienced and felt. THANK YOU.
Sleep easy knowing that You're a MUCH better person, and capable of healing Yourself, AND Your Family's generational traumas by healing Yourself, and THAT is something they CAN'T do. They have no idea how much of an asset to the Family We actually are. The "scapegoats/black sheep"/meek shall inherit the Earth.
Love is unconditional. May disapprove unhealthy behavior or habits but teach your children and parents about what love means to you (only control you have) in daily lives-communication/appreciation/modeling behaviors you expect or experience from them!! At the end you need peace and joy for everyone involved.
The pain of finding out I was completely disinherited “after” my father’s death is an emotional gut punch! Is there a support group for this type of betrayal?
Sadly I don’t think so.
Debra. I'm going through the same thing. We have this community and each other if you want to reach out.
Same happened to me
*E X T R E M E O W N E R S H I P*
It's not about the money. It"s about being shamed. I don"t know why parents woukd do that if they truly loved their children
Yes. It's the shaming. The clue is sadly in the 'if they loved'.
It’s so eerie to listen to this. You could have written this about me. The similarities are freakish.
Brilliant talk!
I'm new to your channel and would like to know your thoughts on dysfunctional families and sibling relationships. Maybe you can do a video on this topic where there is the silent treatment or passive aggressive behavior involved.
Though I am late in discovering your video, the marrow of your message sustains me. I am riding the fault line with an aging parent. Three words: Rich. In. Soul.
At least he had a father who wanted to be in his life- I had to quit begging my father for a relationship. My sister as well. Dude just doesn’t want to know who I am.
It is inconceivable in my mind to not want to know everything about my one and only son.
I can surmise that likely a contributing factor his Christianity also paints me in the “them” category outside of the “Us”-es he identifies with. As a conservative charlatan (that’s a denomination right?!@‘) errrr charismatic I represent everything that’s sending Merica to h-e-double-hockey sticks.
If only he knew I feel the exact same way about him, we could bond and share about that.
It wasn’t that he abandoned my sister and I, he just never was a father and he was very disengaged when he was home.
He was the son of a preacher (Pentecostal- think speaking in tongues and shaking and lurching all over the church floor) who I gather didn’t know how to be a father to his kids, and since this affected my father deeply, my father did absolutely nothing about it and gave us even leas parenting and once I turned 21 (15 years ago) he just quit reaching out, ever. Actually I take that back, there was this one time when he ratted me out to the Feds, but that’s a whole other can of shit beans.
I wasted 10 years furious at him, 4 years broken-hearted about him, and about a year ago I found my break thru…. I NOTHING him.
I don’t love or hate, I don’t have compassion or empathy, I just nothing him.
Which is essentially what his indifference always equated to. I’ve just given up on ever having a father, or accountability. I quit wasting my thoughts on him.
As this video states as well (or maybe it was the last one- Ive watched nothing but this channel since discovering it) I also quit looking for another parental figure to fill his shoes….. Ive just accepted the fact that I’ll never have the father Ive always wanted, he’ll never be the father Ive always deserved, and that a child should never have to beg a parent to have a relationship with them.
I hope he enjoys Heaven, because God knows I won’t be knocking on his golden door of his cloud house at any time for all eternity. Amen.
Love these topics! Lots of things to thing about!
Been no contact over a decade.
in laws, stepdaughter, my daughter, all no contact.
poison hearts wicked evil
My dad died two weeks ago. I realized he disinherited me a couple months previously when he allowed my Golden Child sister to meet an attorney with him and he revised his Will and my name was removed. I had been No Contact with my sister for six years. She was probably angry about it and dad frequently accused me of "hating" his Golden Child. This was his revenge against me. It is a harsh reality to see you were not only unloved but vilified.
Thank you for your insight into this particular type of parental abuse.
I have experienced this sort of emotional abuse three times in my life (my father/stepmother, my mother-in-law, my stepfather/mother). In the years leading up to the third occasion (my stepfather/mother) I was on the receiving end of a smear campaign presumably to convince my siblings that I did not deserve anything, just in case they might think it was unfair. As it happens, they were more than happy to go along with me being the "bad guy". The narrative spread around even included stuff about it being my fault that my father and stepmother disinherited all of their children - "If you had been nice to our stepmother...blah, blah, blah".
As it happens I was never once disrespectful to her. I always spoke to her politely, even though I thought she was a cold-hearted gold-digger from the very start. My father limply gave into her every demand throughout their marriage, including signing everything that he still owned over to her while lying on his deathbed. She was determined that she was going to have it all. A couple of days before he died, she even went as far as to remove from his finger a gold ring that was once my great-uncle's, so that no one in the family would get it. And that unbelievably awful behaviour was my fault??? Yes, it seems it was.
I have been left out of family events, given the silent treatment when I have reached out, and, before my mother died, attempts to talk about why I was being treated this way were just whisked away or I would get comments out of the blue like "Its such a pity you can't get on with your sister (or brother)". It has driven me nuts at times. If it was not for my husband's support, I feel it would have done. He knows what it feels like because his mother did much the same to him.
Inheritances should be a parent's final message to their child/ren about how much they love them. It doesn't matter how big or small the inheritance is. Just that each child receives the same amount to show that they are all loved equally. As it is for me the message has consistently been "You don't matter to me, and I don't care how much I hurt you" and, on the last occasion, it was "You have always matter less to me than your brothers and sister". It does make me laugh though when I think about my stepfather's epitaph on his grave saying "Remember me with love". Yes, of course, I will (NOT!). You mean-minded bastard!
I perhaps don't need to say I feel parents should not have the right to bestow such emotional harm upon their child/ren. It is utterly despicable. In fact, it is beyond despicable. If it happens to you don't take it personally. Get on with your life, enjoy what you do have and that you do not have to say thank you to anyone for it. You may be a lot poorer, but money is not the main ingredient for a happy life. Did their money make them happy? No! Happy people do not dump their shit on those whose only 'crime' was being born to them.
You may not have outright disrespected ur stepmother to her face. If you gossiped and mocked behind their backs, they knew. No self-respecting stepmother would, nor should, accept that behavior.
I had an AA sponsor whose dad owned five banks-this would have been the sixties-which he sold and became a major shareholder in Chase Manhattan. My friend was a private air pilot. When my friend QUIT drinking his father cut him out of his will. He gave his fortune to my friend's ex-wife instead, because she hung around to take the role of drinking buddy. I never saw any resentment in my sponsor about it.
You're not alone. Didn't have the threat of being disinherited, but my relationships with parents was largely dysfunctional. I can see how the dysfunction in THEIR relationship with parents ended up transferring to their own children. Unless one recognizes the pattern of abuse and breaks it, one is prone to repeat it.
I was one of the lucky ones who got out, Disinheriting is one thing i managed to escape the legacy of a sociopath narcissistic parent (family) who would rather have your head on a spike for victory than to accept their shortcomings and violations of your humanity and self. I love a Quote from a Tunisian Sheikh (IMRA N Hosein) that goes lile, " One of the greatest things about this life is that even the Oppressor has to die " , Ramses II died and so did his Magicians, Mine practiced witchcraft and were completely posessed. God has a way of showing these scum of the earth that His power is eternal and whatever it is that these people do is going to come back to them.
This comment kicks ass
I am the oldest and have 5 brothers, one has been estranged for 10 years, we live in the same area. He cut her off for saying our Dad had abused her, which he did horrifically, I was the only one old enough to witness it. He actually lives 3 blocks away from my Mom and tells people we are all crazy. I asked my Mother to cut him out of her estate because I do not want to be in a position where I would have to tolerate him at this point , I am executor and power of attorney. My mom is 79 and has early dementia from all the head injuries she received from being abused. There are times when disinheritance is appropriate
Parents shouldn’t disinherit their children and should treat them the same. Provision should be made even if you hate your kids or if they are unwell. We didn’t ask to be born. It is extremely disrespectful to disinherit a child. It will make the child feel worthless and unloved and have repercussions on future relationships. It will also cause problems amongst the siblings. Those relationships will be fractured forever with each of them worried if the other asks them for money. It does make you question yourself whether your parents even loved you to begin with.
I learned that I was disinherited today. Left everything to his step-daughter. I thought we were close. I loved him deeply, unconditionally, so why do I feel so hurt? I had to stay in bed all day.
What if your adult child lets you down in your crisis. I mean a hard core crisis, when you are a victim of criminals, you need help and the child's answer, although they know that you are a victim, that the parent just made it up, the story with being a victim. I am gonna give everything, not just money, but my loyalty and deepest gratefulness to the people who helped and help me in this situation.