I think discussing boundaries for cheating is so important! With social media now it’s opened up a grey area for micro cheating. You can’t assume each other’s values and perspectives on what constitutes as cheating….is it purely physical or do you include emotional, etc. Such a good point to raise.
“You’re not a failure because you couldn’t handle the relationship post infidelity. It’s a success when you can _be honest with yourself and make decisions that are in alignment with your values.”_ Beautifully concluded 💝. Thank you for your videos!
Thank you so much for this. I’m in the middle of healing from my husbands emotional cheating and hearing you saying infidelity isn’t a death sentence is what I need. Thank you for addressing this.
When my last partner admitted that she had cheated on me (It was making out and that emotional cheating, as far as I knew), it was just a couple days before I finally made that official move for us to live together. It was so close. I was so thankful that we were close enough that she was able to be honest with me at that time, but when I heard it over video call... I honestly had such a confused reaction. I was beyond heart broken, and I busted out crying right then and there, but there was also this odd feeling like I didn't know how I was supposed to react. Like, I'm supposed to be angry, I have to show her it's not right that she did this, etc., but at the same time... my "real" reaction was less intense. I think I might have been in shock? I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed she could be capable of it. I never felt jealously through out our whole relationship because the whole time, I knew she only saw me, and me to her. She was the type of person who'd actually neglect other friendships (I did too, sadly) because when there was free time, we were always happy to just be together all the time. Finally I had heard she was making new friends at the job she recently just started, I was just so happy for her to have found company that she enjoyed outside of just me. Especially since I was still in a far away state from her at that time and she was temporarily occupying the apartment by herself until I was able to move, but then she started admitting things that were concerning me; How one of the men at her work would come over and watch movies together, which on it's own wasn't concerning, but then she said they cuddled on the couch, which was starting to make me feel uneasy and I voiced that to her, then she said he kissed her on top of her head, which I told her "I don't think I like that. That's a little bit too much". A couple days later, she admitted they made out that night. I could tell she felt so guilty about it, she is one of the most anxious people I've ever known and I know she didn't want to hurt me. After my initial tears, I calmly asked her "What are you wanting to do?" and she said she told the guy they had to just be friends and she wanted "to make it work" between us. So I told her, "Okay." and I said I can get passed this if it never happens again. She offered to never see him again, but I told her if he was so important to her, that I didn't want her to lose her precious friend. Maybe that was my bad letting her stay friends with him, but telling her she couldn't? Wouldn't that just make her want to see him more? I told her, maybe I can also become friends with him so if he gets to know me and we become friends, maybe he'll see I'm a person and not want to contribute to the cheating. Plus they don't have to lose the relationship. It wasn't reassuring that when I said I could get passed if it never happened again, she said "I can't guarantee it won't happen again. :(" and I said "That's not very reassuring." Some would say it's awful she said that, but honestly I was just relieved that it seemed like she was being honest with me. After about half a year, we were in a fight about things we were upset with each other about and she finally decided she wanted to break up. When I was in the middle of packing to move back to my original state, she admitted to me that over the months we were living together, that the cheating continued behind my back multiple more times, and it was just... awful for me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I ended up snapping and began displaying super unhealthy behaviors towards her, passive aggressiveness, obsessive behavior, yelling matches, guilt tripping, etc. which ended up hurting the relationship beyond repair where we were unable to stay friends. She eventually blocked me everywhere and even to this day it would be pretty much impossible to contact her. I've been able to learn sooo much about never being like that again because I even scared myself. The whole ordeal was super traumatic for me. I know for a fact I would never react like that again because I've changed how my mind works before getting to that point now. I realized I was waaay too emotionally dependent on her, I only wanted to die after we broke up, I felt like there was nothing left I wanted in the world. I put her on a pedestal. I've learned so much about not becoming that emotionally dependent on a person ever again and how viewing someone as borderline perfect puts a lot of pressure on the other person. I'm now have really great, comfortable boundaries with people, and I'm no longer obsessive like I was. I went to therapy, got back on my antidepressant and anxiety medication, learned about many different mental health topics in depth, and it has made a world of difference. I'm better than I was before in many ways. I just hate that I can no longer mend the friendship with her, I always hope she is happy and healthy at least.
Shows a lot of emotional maturity on your part. She certainly didn’t handle it the best either but at least you were able to admit your faults in it all, get the help you needed to heal, move forward with your life and yet STILL have it in you to genuinely wish her well. You’ve won all the way around, as far as I’m concerned.
I read your entire comment, it reminded me of my younger days (50 yo, 22 yrs married man) in learning relationships (not failed relationships) you have done the introspection that most people neglect. Knowing yourself, what’s acceptable and what is not is priceless. You have what it takes to be in a relationship. Don’t worry about her. She blocked you so she doesn’t have to be reminded of what she did. Thank You for sharing your perspective.
As someone who has been cheated on and tried working through it, I don't think I would ever do it again. Not because I regret it that time so much, it helped me get over the relationship while during the time we had just split I wasn't able to. But. Every time, I have asked him please please just tell me everything. But every now and then he still came up with new info that just made me feel just like when it just happened. Every now and then I caught him in a lie - same thing. Ultimately he broke up with me and during that conversation he accidentally confessed again. I was so over it, he was so over it.
If my partner told me he was sexually attracted to another person that would BE the deal breaker. If he's at that point he's already on the path to infidelity. I believe faithfulness starts in the discipline of the mind. I also find it extremely disrespectful to say that type of thing to one's partner. I believe in always building up your partner and looking for what you love about them anD letting them know it. When you're busy doing this you don't have the energy to do the same for others.
I love that you know your personal boundaries and deal breakers! Respect is subjective of course, so it’s important to know and communicate where you stand on things. For many of us attraction is primitive, and I personally don’t take offense to it, but completely understand why someone would.
@@StephAnya yes I agree, attraction is primitive. I always have an issue when it’s expressed to the other person. If you think she’s sexy, you can think it but why do you have to let her know? I don’t accept that.
@@sigthom3711 I think a lot of people would see that as inappropriate although some may not. I have no problem with my partner being attracted to other women as long as he doesn't act on it. I find both men and women attractive and we talk about it together.
@@talkswithtaylor5345 I can respect that. My ex wouldn’t like to hear my attractions ( especially if it’s close to home- celebrities are different I guess) lol I just came to the conclusion that we are all attracted to other ppl, but i don’t need to hear about it and I don’t have to tell another man I think he’s sexy if I’m in a relationship. I just think it and move on. Because if I tell him, and conversation starts, I’ve open a door with someone I’m already attracted to lol my ex didn’t feel the same n that’s why he’s my ex. He was waaaaaaay to flirty for me
What happened to me, caused me to feel used. And I am trying to heal and move forward with forgiveness for the person. I don't want to fall into revenge.
Thanks sooo much for this video. My husband and I literally use your videos as therapy sessions. We are a young couple and there have had issues with infidelity on his part. He was not good at taking accountability and comparing me to others and I sucked at setting boundaries. When I say he has completely changed the way he communicates and treats me because of your videos!!! Always so eye opening and insightful. You helped save my relationship tbh. You've helped both of us grow as individuals as well. It's also awesome seeing someone that looks like us doing these type of helpful videos. You are a huge inspiration to me, an aspiring therapist. We absolutely adore you!!!! #WhatsOnYourMind (I legit sing that every time I start your videos lbvs)
By the time I discovered the full depth of my previous partner’s infidelity, she’d already broken up with me. We’d been dating for over 3 years at that point, and it was really difficult to see the extent of her manipulation in the months after the breakup. Especially as she started dating the person just over a week after breaking up with me
I am side-eying everyone who disagrees with Tip 4. An invasion of privacy?! 😮💨 Let me breath deeply. For me, cheating is just a huge “no” but great tip to get aligned with what is considered cheating.
I agree. I remember going to therapy my husband and I for infidelity and the therapist legit asked me if I thought I was the victim. Me: hell yes. I felt so crushed because in that moment the betrayal and pain I had endured felt beyond invalidated.
I just recently found out I was cheated on. I confronted him and he did not deny it which I did actually appreciate instead of lying to my face. I came across this video basically for what to do to build that trust again due to thoughts of a possible counselor for us to help us with communication & rebuilding my trust if we can’t get through it together. I enjoyed this video, thank you! We’ve known each other for about 8 years now, we became best friends before we started dating & we are at almost 20 months together as a couple now. I feel as though this can still workout & watching this made me feel better about my decision of giving it another chance. Not many will be happy but at the end of the day I need to follow my heart & that everything will be okay & back to normal soon. ❤🤞🏾❤️🤞🏾
This was really helpful and I’m so glad you posted it. Saying infidelity isn’t a death sentence for a relationship honestly gave me hope. Since he has come clean it’s like we have reset and had some hard discussions but have been open and honest since him coming clean. It’s like a fresh start and we’ve realized where we were both lacking. I think the biggest thing is still being able to see a future with him even after this has happened.
This came right on time in my personal Life and my professional life Edit : I’m here to say you are the truth !!! I found your channel 4 months ago , I had just freshly found out I was being cheated on , my rage scared me , I write down all of your tips and really allowed myself to grieve first , because I was loosing something that was important to me , fast forward I left him where he was , and I’ve been living my best life ever sense lol , I send your videos to a lot of my friends, I’ll be starting my msw on Jan and In my head you’re mentoring me lol
@@mindset_olympics2 I’m Getting my masters in clinical social work and this is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done , I’ve personally stopped dating completely and I will pick it back up once I’m done with school this time next year
wow! Tip #4 is the main problem for myself because my wife refuses to agree with this and accept it. Now she wants me to change in order to keep her since she wants to work things out
Do you have any advice for someone who finds out that they were cheated on AFTER a breakup? I’m in a situation where I found out my partner cheated after seeing that he got married 4 months after our breakup and his now wife is just over 4 months pregnant. Unfortunately this person is intertwined in my life so I will have to see them again and be around his family who didn’t know we were seeing each other so they are not aware of the infidelity.
Loved this video - it’s hard to find a video on infidelity that doesn’t totally trash all the person who strayed. I would say that it is so important to be true to who you are. Look at the partners past and their previous relationships and if they can realise why and be willing to work on their vulnerability with you - are they ready to take those soul searching steps into their past and work on why they behave a certain way? And they willing to do this for them and for themselves only I. Order to bring their best selves forward? Take that time and reevaluate - space is important and needed to have that time without the other.
This was such a FANTASTIC video!!! I really appreciate your no nonsense and pragmatic approach to what is an emotional land mine situation for many. The tips you provided align with many thoughts I have had but felt as though they didn’t fit with what we have been socialized to do in society. The part about sharing out attraction to other people with our partner was one such thing that I always felt I wanted to be able to do in a partnership. Thank you for the work you do 💛
I've been dealing with a bad breakup from a 5 year relationship and a child... we've been apart for about a month now and now we are both wanting to work it out but there is alot infidelity and distrust between us and I'm not sure what to do...I love her very much and want to spend my life with her but I don't know if we can move forward with everything that has happened and the pain that comes with it.... I'm watching your videos and hoping I can learn something that will help us .... I plan on watching some of these videos with her....thank you for your wisdom
Hi Steph! New subscriber here. I have really enjoyed watching your videos and I’ve been learning so much from you. I was wondering if you’d consider making a video on how to rebuild a relationship with a parent who cheated? I think a video addressing this would be really helpful as somebody who’s going through this right now. Thank you 🙏🏽
Couples therapy and individual therapy can be expensive all at once. How would you recommend couples dealing with infidelity approach prioritizing couples vs individual therapy? Should couples therapy be prioritized then individual therapy? Or vice versa? Curious on your perspective. Thank you for this video!
Great question! I would say begin with couples therapy in this case to uncover any individual traumas that may be affecting the relationship and then once identified you can see who’s in the most need for individual therapy and switch off. It’s not ideal but I think it’s a solid plan if you can only afford one at a time.
Thank you, Steph for your very helpful video. Although I am a LCSW, I cannot help two of my children who are going through these issues. They are adults who have to make their own way and who will not come to me for advice. I am forwarding your videos to them in hope that it will help them and their spouses. Your information helps me as a LCSW counselor/therapist as well.
How long does repairing the trust goes? Because if the person that cheated worked years to repair and has endured degrading remarks about themselves and the relationship from their partner due to their pain from the trust being lost. How long do you continue?
This was the best tips and what I actually needed. Im going on a weekend retreat so to speak with my husband. We been separated(living) for a year now and I need for us to buckle down and see if we’re going work it out(he cheated) or divorce.
Do you use this much personal disclosure in your sessions? I find it amazing for your channel. The imposter syndrome video you were transparent and it was helpful
Great question! It depends. I used to share anything that would help normalize my clients’ experiences, but then I realized that some clients experience self-disclosure as either robbing them of some precious time or they may begin to compare their experiences with mine. Now, I’m more selective and only do when I feel certain that it’s therapeutically relevant. So glad that you found that video helpful!
Okay so me and my wife we have been together for 16 years. We've only been married for about a week we've never had this type of discussion that you're talking about in this video. It intrigues me very much though at the same time I really don't know how to go about finding a therapist or what to do. I love her so much and she has hurt me multiple times. Like for example, when we were first together after my first son was born, she slept with an entire company all the employees male. I forgave her for that and sent me to jail. She had another man move in with her. He stole her car and her money. She called me and went back. We've been together since, but we've never really had that conversation. Anytime I bring it up. It's like that's in the past like you said. So what you're saying really hits home for me. I really do love her and I want to move forward but in the most recent example was she started working in Bojangles and her ex works there like they were together before we got together and I believe she cheated on me with him. I don't have any proof but she never outright told me he was working there either. I heard it from other people so that hurt cut like a knife we got married last week and I really think we spending counseling but I don't know where to go to get it or how to start the conversation without upsetting her I believe in monogamy strongly. I also believe in forgiveness. How do you go on to better help as a couple and an individual? I want to trust her but I feel like the more I've tried to trust her in the morning she hides. I don't know how to make it to where she understands everything you said in this video about rebuilding trust That's what I need help with the most no more lies please help me if you can please point me in the right direction
9:31 landed like scripture 🙌🏿 16:27 is such an AMAZING place to be in a relationship and even though it came to an end, I could never consider that partnership a failure because that level of honesty and lack of ego was achieved. You really tackled this video well. 👏🏿👏🏿
Cheating is ABUSE. Their partners are their victims. End of story. We need to stop punishing the victims and instead reward the good people of society.
You handled this topic with such grace. I pray that I can get to a place like this so that I can efficiently help others or myself if I’m ever faced with this situation (praying more so that I don’t 😂). ❤
I loved everything you said, but one part I do not fully understand and would love more details on if possible. You mentioned having crushes on other people. I know every relationship is different, but for my own personal preference, that is not something I want in a partner. Do you believe that to be feasible?
I am an LPC-A currently practicing in Texas, because I live in a rural area there are not many options for therapy, so I took on a couple even though I have no experience with MFT. How do you begin your first session? What are some ground rules you set of marriage therapy? and how do you deal with ultimatums? because that seems to be a common theme.
I feel like we will never get to a good place. He constantly gas lights me and im about over it. I keep telling him he doesnt get my freaking pain. Looks like this video came out during the time i found out my husband had been cheating. He left came back and i just dont think this is it for me.
I am in a position where i was locked up defending myself from my wife. She wanted to leave so i grabbed my keys then she prevented me from leaving. Things got out of handd after I spent a week in jail while she reached out to a man she once dated. Thing is i wanted a divorce because of our history and losing custody do to her behavior. 2 months it took for her to move on, was it ok for her to be with another man still being married to me? Now shes two months pregnant not knowing if the child is mine or not. Now the guys involved wanting to be with her only if yhe child is his. My answer wether to stay or not is straight forward not wanting to be married her. I cannot accept her going around having sex with this man again. Hes giving her money despite me having two jobs. What do i do????
Hello Thank you for the video!! I have a couple that is trying to recover from this. However, I feel like the husband isn't opening up because he doesn't want to deal with his wife's response. Is it wise to ask them to do individual sessions, so that I can get a feel on what's going on?
I definitely split my couples up every now and then. I just make sure that it's even in terms of the number of separate sessions total and the duration, and share with them together the reason for meeting separately. I usually say, "It's difficult hearing each of your full perspectives when we have to balance the time." Good luck figuring out what's best for your clients!
Why are you victim blaming? I hope you never end up cheated on when dealing with financial strain, kids, and other serious vulnerabilities. Grace for others, even those you don't understand, costs you nothing.
@@ladylove34 as someone who cheated on my ex gf with her best friend and sister when we were both teenagers .....ill admit i was an asshole and never apologized at first, she saw me with her one friend , my brother caught me with her sister , told her and she dumped me..i made out with both of them ...i didnt handle it well we remained friends for over twenty years but when we were both single, i can definately sense she was very distant but whenever i did apologized she brushed it off and said its not a big deal...i didnt stress her on it, about two years ago she finally said it messed her up and hurt her so deeply when i cheated on her.....honestly it was like a balloon being deflated i kept wanting her to open up and tell me she was hurt , i knew she was because when we tried to date shed get distant and run .... she admitted shes afraid of getting hurt she even asks me constantly if i have a gf and that was her way with coping with what i did and her best friend passed away so she never expressed her hurt with her , her sister completely avoids me in a physical sense and phone calling , we only speak on social media, i believe they worked things out ... eventually she did with me, then i found out she was crying daily and we talk but i can tell its gonna take her a while to heal and every chance i get i tell her how sorry i am and that i love her and i messed up sorry for the long post but i fully agree to this day i have never blamed her for my cheating, i would never and i fully understand her insecurities, even thou i havent dated in over 10 years she still has trust issues and i fully understand it
When you suggested an open relationship, you lost all your credibility. This is a video about infidelity . After infidelity, if the cheater wants an open relationship, they're now just looking to cheat out in the opener. Bad advice to recover from infidelity.
I’m 16:47 in. Let me paint a pic of what I’m hearing vs what your saying ok Situation My girl and me talking about her day at work Her: Today was interesting, tim step his game up today and idk something about turn me on about tim Or Her Today was interesting, I have a crush on tim Me: that is wonderful why am I here 🙃 Or Me: did you get his number , will you eat with him soon and let him know how you feel ,girlfriend Or Me : how did that happen and what do you want to come from this? Or Me: shit since we are not acting like adults there is a girl with a fat azz that I never really give a chance cause I’m in a relationship but I think about her from time to time , I’ll take her to lunch tomorrow and see where it goes , wish me luck I’m truly curious on you r point of view on this
Now I’m 17:20 in and I’m curious on the I’m curious on the inside joke of you crushing on another man Is it like My girl : I know he like girls In red and likes them wearing ___ perfume Situation I see you putting on that red dress in the moring Or I see you after work in the red dress Me: you going to fu ck Tim head up today Me: What is that smell, is that a he one tim likes ,girl you don’t play. I bet you got all the girls at work mad Situation I didn’t see her this morning but I see her when she got home Me: somebody trying to get her a work husband Me: he still didn’t get the hint , you got to try harder girl , I thought you better than that
Let’s say it’s your secret Me: You looking good today, lol who are you trying to impress My girl: no one Or after work Me : why are you mad Her: nothing work was getting to me that all. ( work bae tim was talking to someone else but I can tell him that )
That didn’t cause any problems ? If the guy your crushing on is crashing on you He put a move on you ( if she don’t respect her relationship why should I ) Situation My girl : My girl blushing and smiling Me : I guess that red lip stick did the trick 😂 My girl : 😂 Me: did y’all have y’all much date yet You said at the beginning so did this stop, when did this stop, why did it stop
Wait wait so some therapist said that it’s the person who got cheated on to fix it lol Let’s explore this Let’s say that your neglecting someone and taken them for granted , so they cheat I think that its both parties involved job to fix The one who is taken neglecting the person And the other person have to focus on trust And they both have to focus on communication With that being said , why do some therapist believe it’s the job of the victim of the cheating 😂
She's not going to reply because she never said that it was the partner who got cheated on responsibility to repair the relationship. In fact, she said the exact opposite. Might want to watch the video again.
@@sweetsadie95 ok cool, I’ll do that then I’ll put a check mark in to show you where I got that from.. If we are going off what you believe in why she didn’t reply then this isn’t a good therapist to me… if I’m asking a question and you see it and choose to look over it then how are you helping the community get better ??
@@sweetsadie95 your right.. I think that I was listening to her talk tok hen the way she was trying carefully choose her words, I went left instead of right, think you for being a person that seen someone needed help and help them understand where they went wrong at.. I did seen something else that she put that made me a lil confuse and would like to hear your point of view on it .. I’m not throwing shade but I would like to do better so if I’m thinking inside a box and there is a way out of it then I would love to know ok
How much each of you give and how little each of you take for granted, will determine the success of a relationship. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
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I think discussing boundaries for cheating is so important! With social media now it’s opened up a grey area for micro cheating. You can’t assume each other’s values and perspectives on what constitutes as cheating….is it purely physical or do you include emotional, etc.
Such a good point to raise.
Yes, there's sooo much gray area! It's really best to have these conversations upfront.
🎯 and a person's reaction to wanting to clarify the boundaries says plenty!
“You’re not a failure because you couldn’t handle the relationship post infidelity. It’s a success when you can _be honest with yourself and make decisions that are in alignment with your values.”_ Beautifully concluded 💝. Thank you for your videos!
For me, that's the most important part. Thank you for watching!
I needed this
Thank you so much for this. I’m in the middle of healing from my husbands emotional cheating and hearing you saying infidelity isn’t a death sentence is what I need. Thank you for addressing this.
Wishing you the best of luck in your process of healing. Whatever that means for you. ♥️
Going through the same thing sending love
When my last partner admitted that she had cheated on me (It was making out and that emotional cheating, as far as I knew), it was just a couple days before I finally made that official move for us to live together. It was so close. I was so thankful that we were close enough that she was able to be honest with me at that time, but when I heard it over video call... I honestly had such a confused reaction. I was beyond heart broken, and I busted out crying right then and there, but there was also this odd feeling like I didn't know how I was supposed to react. Like, I'm supposed to be angry, I have to show her it's not right that she did this, etc., but at the same time... my "real" reaction was less intense. I think I might have been in shock? I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed she could be capable of it. I never felt jealously through out our whole relationship because the whole time, I knew she only saw me, and me to her.
She was the type of person who'd actually neglect other friendships (I did too, sadly) because when there was free time, we were always happy to just be together all the time. Finally I had heard she was making new friends at the job she recently just started, I was just so happy for her to have found company that she enjoyed outside of just me. Especially since I was still in a far away state from her at that time and she was temporarily occupying the apartment by herself until I was able to move, but then she started admitting things that were concerning me; How one of the men at her work would come over and watch movies together, which on it's own wasn't concerning, but then she said they cuddled on the couch, which was starting to make me feel uneasy and I voiced that to her, then she said he kissed her on top of her head, which I told her "I don't think I like that. That's a little bit too much". A couple days later, she admitted they made out that night. I could tell she felt so guilty about it, she is one of the most anxious people I've ever known and I know she didn't want to hurt me. After my initial tears, I calmly asked her "What are you wanting to do?" and she said she told the guy they had to just be friends and she wanted "to make it work" between us. So I told her, "Okay." and I said I can get passed this if it never happens again. She offered to never see him again, but I told her if he was so important to her, that I didn't want her to lose her precious friend. Maybe that was my bad letting her stay friends with him, but telling her she couldn't? Wouldn't that just make her want to see him more? I told her, maybe I can also become friends with him so if he gets to know me and we become friends, maybe he'll see I'm a person and not want to contribute to the cheating. Plus they don't have to lose the relationship. It wasn't reassuring that when I said I could get passed if it never happened again, she said "I can't guarantee it won't happen again. :(" and I said "That's not very reassuring." Some would say it's awful she said that, but honestly I was just relieved that it seemed like she was being honest with me. After about half a year, we were in a fight about things we were upset with each other about and she finally decided she wanted to break up. When I was in the middle of packing to move back to my original state, she admitted to me that over the months we were living together, that the cheating continued behind my back multiple more times, and it was just... awful for me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I ended up snapping and began displaying super unhealthy behaviors towards her, passive aggressiveness, obsessive behavior, yelling matches, guilt tripping, etc. which ended up hurting the relationship beyond repair where we were unable to stay friends. She eventually blocked me everywhere and even to this day it would be pretty much impossible to contact her.
I've been able to learn sooo much about never being like that again because I even scared myself. The whole ordeal was super traumatic for me. I know for a fact I would never react like that again because I've changed how my mind works before getting to that point now. I realized I was waaay too emotionally dependent on her, I only wanted to die after we broke up, I felt like there was nothing left I wanted in the world. I put her on a pedestal. I've learned so much about not becoming that emotionally dependent on a person ever again and how viewing someone as borderline perfect puts a lot of pressure on the other person. I'm now have really great, comfortable boundaries with people, and I'm no longer obsessive like I was. I went to therapy, got back on my antidepressant and anxiety medication, learned about many different mental health topics in depth, and it has made a world of difference. I'm better than I was before in many ways.
I just hate that I can no longer mend the friendship with her, I always hope she is happy and healthy at least.
Shows a lot of emotional maturity on your part. She certainly didn’t handle it the best either but at least you were able to admit your faults in it all, get the help you needed to heal, move forward with your life and yet STILL have it in you to genuinely wish her well. You’ve won all the way around, as far as I’m concerned.
Wow this comment made me learn a lot about myself.
Don’t be hard on yourself, cheating is abuse and you’re a victim.
Woow I've learned a lot from your experiences. My partner right now is actually that obsessive eissh
I read your entire comment, it reminded me of my younger days (50 yo, 22 yrs married man) in learning relationships (not failed relationships) you have done the introspection that most people neglect. Knowing yourself, what’s acceptable and what is not is priceless. You have what it takes to be in a relationship. Don’t worry about her. She blocked you so she doesn’t have to be reminded of what she did. Thank You for sharing your perspective.
As someone who has been cheated on and tried working through it, I don't think I would ever do it again.
Not because I regret it that time so much, it helped me get over the relationship while during the time we had just split I wasn't able to.
But. Every time, I have asked him please please just tell me everything. But every now and then he still came up with new info that just made me feel just like when it just happened. Every now and then I caught him in a lie - same thing. Ultimately he broke up with me and during that conversation he accidentally confessed again. I was so over it, he was so over it.
If my partner told me he was sexually attracted to another person that would BE the deal breaker. If he's at that point he's already on the path to infidelity. I believe faithfulness starts in the discipline of the mind.
I also find it extremely disrespectful to say that type of thing to one's partner. I believe in always building up your partner and looking for what you love about them anD letting them know it. When you're busy doing this you don't have the energy to do the same for others.
I love that you know your personal boundaries and deal breakers! Respect is subjective of course, so it’s important to know and communicate where you stand on things. For many of us attraction is primitive, and I personally don’t take offense to it, but completely understand why someone would.
@@StephAnya yes I agree, attraction is primitive. I always have an issue when it’s expressed to the other person. If you think she’s sexy, you can think it but why do you have to let her know? I don’t accept that.
@@sigthom3711 I think a lot of people would see that as inappropriate although some may not. I have no problem with my partner being attracted to other women as long as he doesn't act on it. I find both men and women attractive and we talk about it together.
@@talkswithtaylor5345 I can respect that. My ex wouldn’t like to hear my attractions ( especially if it’s close to home- celebrities are different I guess) lol
I just came to the conclusion that we are all attracted to other ppl, but i don’t need to hear about it and I don’t have to tell another man I think he’s sexy if I’m in a relationship. I just think it and move on. Because if I tell him, and conversation starts, I’ve open a door with someone I’m already attracted to lol my ex didn’t feel the same n that’s why he’s my ex. He was waaaaaaay to flirty for me
I think if you are not open about it, your partner might do it behind your back.
What happened to me, caused me to feel used. And I am trying to heal and move forward with forgiveness for the person. I don't want to fall into revenge.
Thanks sooo much for this video. My husband and I literally use your videos as therapy sessions. We are a young couple and there have had issues with infidelity on his part. He was not good at taking accountability and comparing me to others and I sucked at setting boundaries. When I say he has completely changed the way he communicates and treats me because of your videos!!! Always so eye opening and insightful. You helped save my relationship tbh. You've helped both of us grow as individuals as well. It's also awesome seeing someone that looks like us doing these type of helpful videos. You are a huge inspiration to me, an aspiring therapist. We absolutely adore you!!!! #WhatsOnYourMind (I legit sing that every time I start your videos lbvs)
Awww this comment made my day! I’m so glad to know that the videos are helping you two. It keeps me motivated to keep going ♥️
By the time I discovered the full depth of my previous partner’s infidelity, she’d already broken up with me. We’d been dating for over 3 years at that point, and it was really difficult to see the extent of her manipulation in the months after the breakup. Especially as she started dating the person just over a week after breaking up with me
I am side-eying everyone who disagrees with Tip 4. An invasion of privacy?! 😮💨 Let me breath deeply. For me, cheating is just a huge “no” but great tip to get aligned with what is considered cheating.
This topic was handled with the sensitivity and open-mindedness it needed. Excellent video.
Thanks so much ♥️
I agree. I remember going to therapy my husband and I for infidelity and the therapist legit asked me if I thought I was the victim. Me: hell yes.
I felt so crushed because in that moment the betrayal and pain I had endured felt beyond invalidated.
I just recently found out I was cheated on. I confronted him and he did not deny it which I did actually appreciate instead of lying to my face. I came across this video basically for what to do to build that trust again due to thoughts of a possible counselor for us to help us with communication & rebuilding my trust if we can’t get through it together. I enjoyed this video, thank you! We’ve known each other for about 8 years now, we became best friends before we started dating & we are at almost 20 months together as a couple now. I feel as though this can still workout & watching this made me feel better about my decision of giving it another chance. Not many will be happy but at the end of the day I need to follow my heart & that everything will be okay & back to normal soon. ❤🤞🏾❤️🤞🏾
I sure hope it works out for you. The pain of the thought of separation sucks!
I hope for an update. I went through the same exact thing but I just ended it. It hurt too much.
Woooowwww!!! You brought up some good points I NEVER would've thought of. Overall accountability, vulnerability & honest communication is key. Got it!
Great summary! I'm glad that you found it helpful!!
❤️ this video especially the part about having the type of relationship where we can be vulnerable to talk about everything!!!
I'm so glad that you loved it! Thank you for watching
@@StephAnya ❤️ your channel 😇😇😇
This was really helpful and I’m so glad you posted it. Saying infidelity isn’t a death sentence for a relationship honestly gave me hope. Since he has come clean it’s like we have reset and had some hard discussions but have been open and honest since him coming clean. It’s like a fresh start and we’ve realized where we were both lacking. I think the biggest thing is still being able to see a future with him even after this has happened.
This came right on time in my personal
Life and my professional life
Edit : I’m here to say you are the truth !!! I found your channel 4 months ago , I had just freshly found out I was being cheated on , my rage scared me , I write down all of your tips and really allowed myself to grieve first , because I was loosing something that was important to me , fast forward I left him where he was , and I’ve been living my best life ever sense lol , I send your videos to a lot of my friends, I’ll be starting my msw on Jan and In my head you’re mentoring me lol
Hey how did school go!? I wanna become a counselor myself 😊😊😊
@@mindset_olympics2 I’m
Getting my masters in clinical social work and this is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done , I’ve personally stopped dating completely and I will pick it back up once I’m done with school this time next year
@@karlatyson12 alright lets get it lets goooooo!!!!!!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾youre getting to the finish line!!!
wow! Tip #4 is the main problem for myself because my wife refuses to agree with this and accept it. Now she wants me to change in order to keep her since she wants to work things out
Do you have any advice for someone who finds out that they were cheated on AFTER a breakup? I’m in a situation where I found out my partner cheated after seeing that he got married 4 months after our breakup and his now wife is just over 4 months pregnant. Unfortunately this person is intertwined in my life so I will have to see them again and be around his family who didn’t know we were seeing each other so they are not aware of the infidelity.
Loved this video - it’s hard to find a video on infidelity that doesn’t totally trash all the person who strayed.
I would say that it is so important to be true to who you are. Look at the partners past and their previous relationships and if they can realise why and be willing to work on their vulnerability with you - are they ready to take those soul searching steps into their past and work on why they behave a certain way? And they willing to do this for them and for themselves only I. Order to bring their best selves forward? Take that time and reevaluate - space is important and needed to have that time without the other.
Ooooh this is going to be good... ok back to the video 😁
Can't wait to see your thoughts as you go!
This was such a FANTASTIC video!!! I really appreciate your no nonsense and pragmatic approach to what is an emotional land mine situation for many. The tips you provided align with many thoughts I have had but felt as though they didn’t fit with what we have been socialized to do in society. The part about sharing out attraction to other people with our partner was one such thing that I always felt I wanted to be able to do in a partnership. Thank you for the work you do 💛
I’m so glad that you found it insightful. Thank you for this kind comment! ♥️
You look so beautiful! Thank you for the advice ❤️
Aww thank you so much and thanks for watching!
I've been dealing with a bad breakup from a 5 year relationship and a child... we've been apart for about a month now and now we are both wanting to work it out but there is alot infidelity and distrust between us and I'm not sure what to do...I love her very much and want to spend my life with her but I don't know if we can move forward with everything that has happened and the pain that comes with it.... I'm watching your videos and hoping I can learn something that will help us .... I plan on watching some of these videos with her....thank you for your wisdom
Hi Steph! New subscriber here. I have really enjoyed watching your videos and I’ve been learning so much from you. I was wondering if you’d consider making a video on how to rebuild a relationship with a parent who cheated? I think a video addressing this would be really helpful as somebody who’s going through this right now. Thank you 🙏🏽
I love the way you approached this video. Really great tips!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Couples therapy and individual therapy can be expensive all at once. How would you recommend couples dealing with infidelity approach prioritizing couples vs individual therapy? Should couples therapy be prioritized then individual therapy? Or vice versa? Curious on your perspective.
Thank you for this video!
Great question! I would say begin with couples therapy in this case to uncover any individual traumas that may be affecting the relationship and then once identified you can see who’s in the most need for individual therapy and switch off. It’s not ideal but I think it’s a solid plan if you can only afford one at a time.
Thank you, Steph for your very helpful video. Although I am a LCSW, I cannot help two of my children who are going through these issues. They are adults who have to make their own way and who will not come to me for advice. I am forwarding your videos to them in hope that it will help them and their spouses. Your information helps me as a LCSW counselor/therapist as well.
This video is super helpful! Thank you for your content!
Thank you for watching! ♥️
Beautiful Smile ❤
How long does repairing the trust goes? Because if the person that cheated worked years to repair and has endured degrading remarks about themselves and the relationship from their partner due to their pain from the trust being lost. How long do you continue?
Thank you very much for this because I have been down not really knowing either am ok or not ❤️
Thank you so much for making this. This had made me feel so validated and I appreciate it very very very much.
Great information! Keep up the good work!!!!
Thank you!! ♥️
This was the best tips and what I actually needed. Im going on a weekend retreat so to speak with my husband. We been separated(living) for a year now and I need for us to buckle down and see if we’re going work it out(he cheated) or divorce.
Do you use this much personal disclosure in your sessions? I find it amazing for your channel. The imposter syndrome video you were transparent and it was helpful
Great question! It depends. I used to share anything that would help normalize my clients’ experiences, but then I realized that some clients experience self-disclosure as either robbing them of some precious time or they may begin to compare their experiences with mine. Now, I’m more selective and only do when I feel certain that it’s therapeutically relevant. So glad that you found that video helpful!
Okay so me and my wife we have been together for 16 years. We've only been married for about a week we've never had this type of discussion that you're talking about in this video. It intrigues me very much though at the same time I really don't know how to go about finding a therapist or what to do. I love her so much and she has hurt me multiple times. Like for example, when we were first together after my first son was born, she slept with an entire company all the employees male. I forgave her for that and sent me to jail. She had another man move in with her. He stole her car and her money. She called me and went back. We've been together since, but we've never really had that conversation. Anytime I bring it up. It's like that's in the past like you said. So what you're saying really hits home for me. I really do love her and I want to move forward but in the most recent example was she started working in Bojangles and her ex works there like they were together before we got together and I believe she cheated on me with him. I don't have any proof but she never outright told me he was working there either. I heard it from other people so that hurt cut like a knife we got married last week and I really think we spending counseling but I don't know where to go to get it or how to start the conversation without upsetting her I believe in monogamy strongly. I also believe in forgiveness. How do you go on to better help as a couple and an individual? I want to trust her but I feel like the more I've tried to trust her in the morning she hides. I don't know how to make it to where she understands everything you said in this video about rebuilding trust That's what I need help with the most no more lies please help me if you can please point me in the right direction
Don't be a doormat
Yeah man she’s for the streets. Love yourself! She doesn’t treat you like she loves you at all. But I can’t tell you what to do.
Missed you 😩🌼
I've missed you all too! I've got more time this summer to get back to uploading regularly. Thanks for sticking around :)
@@StephAnya Always💕
I believe in 4
Thank you once again Queen 👑🙏🏾
9:31 landed like scripture 🙌🏿
16:27 is such an AMAZING place to be in a relationship and even though it came to an end, I could never consider that partnership a failure because that level of honesty and lack of ego was achieved.
You really tackled this video well. 👏🏿👏🏿
Thank you so much! I appreciate such a detailed comment. The relationship actually never ended. We're still married! Did it sound like it ended?
@@StephAnya Oh, no! I meant a past relationship of my own lol I love that you share some of your own experiences with us. 💜
Oh got it! Yes, that's a success no matter how it ends.
Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge!
So insightful.
Thank you
He is motivated to make changes, he took responsibility. But I don't know if I am, I don't know if it's too late for me..
I'm dealing with the same thing 😔
Cheating is ABUSE.
Their partners are their victims.
End of story.
We need to stop punishing the victims and instead reward the good people of society.
Forgiveness it's a loaded word. Cheating is good early on so can know what to expect the rest of that relationship.
You handled this topic with such grace. I pray that I can get to a place like this so that I can efficiently help others or myself if I’m ever faced with this situation (praying more so that I don’t 😂). ❤
Great video it really gave me some insight
Awesome video❤
I love Better Help
I loved everything you said, but one part I do not fully understand and would love more details on if possible. You mentioned having crushes on other people. I know every relationship is different, but for my own personal preference, that is not something I want in a partner. Do you believe that to be feasible?
I question wanting to know he has a "crush" in someone AFTER he's already cheated 2x's lol
What are your thoughts on purchasing the AATBS books as a helpful tool as complete my MFT masters program?
I am an LPC-A currently practicing in Texas, because I live in a rural area there are not many options for therapy, so I took on a couple even though I have no experience with MFT. How do you begin your first session? What are some ground rules you set of marriage therapy? and how do you deal with ultimatums? because that seems to be a common theme.
I feel like we will never get to a good place. He constantly gas lights me and im about over it. I keep telling him he doesnt get my freaking pain. Looks like this video came out during the time i found out my husband had been cheating. He left came back and i just dont think this is it for me.
Thank God a found your channel ❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉
Can you do a video on how to be patient with someone who is going through limerance with the affair partner
stop promoting betterhelp
Why?...
❤️❤️❤️
I am in a position where i was locked up defending myself from my wife. She wanted to leave so i grabbed my keys then she prevented me from leaving. Things got out of handd after
I spent a week in jail while she reached out to a man she once dated. Thing is i wanted a divorce because of our history and losing custody do to her behavior.
2 months it took for her to move on, was it ok for her to be with another man still being married to me?
Now shes two months pregnant not knowing if the child is mine or not. Now the guys involved wanting to be with her only if yhe child is his. My answer wether to stay or not is straight forward not wanting to be married her.
I cannot accept her going around having sex with this man again. Hes giving her money despite me having two jobs. What do i do????
Hello
Thank you for the video!! I have a couple that is trying to recover from this. However, I feel like the husband isn't opening up because he doesn't want to deal with his wife's response. Is it wise to ask them to do individual sessions, so that I can get a feel on what's going on?
I definitely split my couples up every now and then. I just make sure that it's even in terms of the number of separate sessions total and the duration, and share with them together the reason for meeting separately. I usually say, "It's difficult hearing each of your full perspectives when we have to balance the time." Good luck figuring out what's best for your clients!
@@StephAnya thank you so much
How can I have you as a personal therapist?
There is no recovering from cheating. My wife cheated on me and hence why she is my ex wife. I don't know why she cheated and I don't care.
I do not understand how anyone could have such a lack of respect for themselves that they "forgive" someone for cheating.
Why are you victim blaming? I hope you never end up cheated on when dealing with financial strain, kids, and other serious vulnerabilities. Grace for others, even those you don't understand, costs you nothing.
@@ladylove34 as someone who cheated on my ex gf with her best friend and sister when we were both teenagers .....ill admit i was an asshole and never apologized at first, she saw me with her one friend , my brother caught me with her sister , told her and she dumped me..i made out with both of them ...i didnt handle it well we remained friends for over twenty years
but when we were both single, i can definately sense she was very distant but whenever i did apologized she brushed it off and said its not a big deal...i didnt stress her on it, about two years ago she finally said it messed her up and hurt her so deeply when i cheated on her.....honestly it was like a balloon being deflated i kept wanting her to open up and tell me she was hurt , i knew she was because when we tried to date shed get distant and run ....
she admitted shes afraid of getting hurt she even asks me constantly if i have a gf and that was her way with coping with what i did and her best friend passed away so she never expressed her hurt with her , her sister completely avoids me in a physical sense and phone calling , we only speak on social media, i believe they worked things out ... eventually she did with me, then i found out she was crying daily and we talk but i can tell its gonna take her a while to heal and every chance i get i tell her how sorry i am and that i love her and i messed up
sorry for the long post but i fully agree to this day i have never blamed her for my cheating, i would never and i fully understand her insecurities, even thou i havent dated in over 10 years she still has trust issues and i fully understand it
Can you go and meet another that you didn't screw up her entire support system? 😂
Ìts hard once u married and kids involved and financial troubles...
God calls us to forgive, it sets you free.
I dont want privacy 😢 the infedelity was 9 years ago
Leave her in the past and do not accept her back because that means she can continue to cheat behind your back and lie to your face
When you suggested an open relationship, you lost all your credibility. This is a video about infidelity . After infidelity, if the cheater wants an open relationship, they're now just looking to cheat out in the opener. Bad advice to recover from infidelity.
New skin.
Hi Julianna! What do you mean?
I’m 16:47 in. Let me paint a pic of what I’m hearing vs what your saying ok
Situation
My girl and me talking about her day at work
Her: Today was interesting, tim step his game up today and idk something about turn me on about tim
Or
Her
Today was interesting, I have a crush on tim
Me: that is wonderful why am I here 🙃
Or
Me: did you get his number , will you eat with him soon and let him know how you feel ,girlfriend
Or
Me : how did that happen and what do you want to come from this?
Or
Me: shit since we are not acting like adults there is a girl with a fat azz that I never really give a chance cause I’m in a relationship but I think about her from time to time , I’ll take her to lunch tomorrow and see where it goes , wish me luck
I’m truly curious on you r point of view on this
Now I’m 17:20 in and I’m curious on the
I’m curious on the inside joke of you crushing on another man
Is it like
My girl : I know he like girls In red and likes them wearing ___ perfume
Situation
I see you putting on that red dress in the moring
Or I see you after work in the red dress
Me: you going to fu ck Tim head up today
Me: What is that smell, is that a he one tim likes ,girl you don’t play. I bet you got all the girls at work mad
Situation
I didn’t see her this morning but I see her when she got home
Me: somebody trying to get her a work husband
Me: he still didn’t get the hint , you got to try harder girl , I thought you better than that
Let’s say it’s your secret
Me: You looking good today, lol who are you trying to impress
My girl: no one
Or after work
Me : why are you mad
Her: nothing work was getting to me that all. ( work bae tim was talking to someone else but I can tell him that )
I hope that when you reply,it’s not with a political answer cause I really want to understand this
That didn’t cause any problems ?
If the guy your crushing on is crashing on you
He put a move on you ( if she don’t respect her relationship why should I )
Situation
My girl : My girl blushing and smiling
Me : I guess that red lip stick did the trick 😂
My girl : 😂
Me: did y’all have y’all much date yet
You said at the beginning so did this stop, when did this stop, why did it stop
What did his ego have anything to do with this
Wait wait so some therapist said that it’s the person who got cheated on to fix it lol
Let’s explore this
Let’s say that your neglecting someone and taken them for granted , so they cheat
I think that its both parties involved job to fix
The one who is taken neglecting the person
And the other person have to focus on trust
And they both have to focus on communication
With that being said , why do some therapist believe it’s the job of the victim of the cheating 😂
Take your time replying lol
Hey can you help me understand your point of view on this on and another statement you made
She's not going to reply because she never said that it was the partner who got cheated on responsibility to repair the relationship. In fact, she said the exact opposite. Might want to watch the video again.
@@sweetsadie95 ok cool, I’ll do that then I’ll put a check mark in to show you where I got that from.. If we are going off what you believe in why she didn’t reply then this isn’t a good therapist to me… if I’m asking a question and you see it and choose to look over it then how are you helping the community get better ??
@@sweetsadie95 your right.. I think that I was listening to her talk tok hen the way she was trying carefully choose her words, I went left instead of right, think you for being a person that seen someone needed help and help them understand where they went wrong at..
I did seen something else that she put that made me a lil confuse and would like to hear your point of view on it .. I’m not throwing shade but I would like to do better so if I’m thinking inside a box and there is a way out of it then I would love to know ok
How much each of you give and how little each of you take for granted, will determine the success of a relationship.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships