This was a really helpful video! My husband's top love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service. I've definitely done those don'ts that you mentioned, so now his reactions are a lot more understandable to me. Thank you for the tips on not just what to do but what not to do as well! Because I thought I was pretty good at giving him hugs and physical affection throughout the day, telling him how much I love and appreciate him, and doing little things to help him out, but I didn't consider how much the don'ts could set all of that back.
Im loving your content. Thanks for producing it! But omg the “what’s on your mind” whining intro is the most annoying thing ever. I cringe every time I hear it.
As a strong physical touch love language, it's *very* important that our partner initiates touch with us. This is very powerful and feels so good to us, as opposed to only ever responding to our touch!
One thing I'd like to add as an Acts of Service person... Very similar to the Don't for Gifts people. DO NOT keep a tally or throw it in an acts of service person's face all the things you've done. For me, that instantly adds a feeling of the act being conditional or that you are resentful about it. Like it was never out of love in the first place
I disagree to an extent. People WILL play you if you allow it. Always have receipts for that ass and fight illogical emotions with logic cause ain't nobody is about to tell me I changed and don't cook anymore when I cooked literally 24 hours ago for that azz. Lol I am just venting but I hear you. You have to keep a tally just in case but don't abuse it. Use it when necessary.
My husband usually helps me with dinner dishes. I never EXPECT it, nor do I take it for granted. And I always make sure to thank him and acknowledge him. We always help each other. We make an amazing team! We've been married for 36 years, so I must have gotten a good one 😊😉 Thank you for the video! Have a blessed day!
Another big don’t for quality-time lovers would be to check your phone while spending time with your significant other . It seems obvious but actually we’re so used to be glued to our phones that barely anybody actually takes the phone away and focus on the conversation/movie/moment a 100%. I had to ask this to my partner and with time he got used to it and I appreciate it so much
Quality time is my top love language, but receiving gifts is a close second. I’ve gotten emotional just because someone bought me my favorite snack or even a small little $1 item they found at the store that made them think of me. To me it proves that I exist in my loved ones’ worlds even when I’m not physically there with them
Sammmeee my top is gifts and I’ve had experiences in the past where people are like “dude you’re so materialistic” and I’m like you don’t get it I’d treasure a popsicle stick if it has sentimental value 🙏 just let me know you remember me
Same to me l just love quality time,gift receiving doesn't matter how small it is but the thought that counts means so much and l also love if we together you take note about what l take so when I'm not with you,you bring it cos you know it is what my woman love ts so priceless 🥰🥰🥰
Complete opposite I could go 10 birthdays and christmas's without a singlr gift from my wife and be unphased, and never question if she loved me just because she didnt get me a gift I feel unworthy of gifts. Not in a self negative way. I greatly appreciate words of affirmation and physical touch If my wife and i soend quality time together, physical intimacy, and she verbalizes her love and appreciation of me, boom thats a great birthday or christmas or whatever
Quality of time is my number one by far the good and the bad, when I'm in relationships I have to know exactly how long our date/time together is that day because if it's less than I expected I feel hurt! Another thing is many people confuse quality time with just time, but the quality is important! If the person is not engaged, or distracted, on their phone etc it really hurts!
For anyone who doesn't have physical touch as one of their love languages but your loved one does, just to elaborate on the advice in the video: remembering to give your significant other random small touches throughout the day, so things like lightly rubbing their back when you're standing next to them, squeezing their arm when you're proud of something they've said (especially in public), placing your hand on their thigh when you're sitting next to each other, etc. Sometimes small gestures like these tend to be forgotten and, as someone who's top love language is physical touch, I can honestly say that having someone give me constant small touches makes me feel very loved! Sex isn't always the end goal for physical touch people :)
My husband will tell you Words of Affirmation is a low category for him. But in reality he soaks it up. He grew up in a very hostile household where vulnerability would have been mocked along with trophies that were less than first place ending up in the trash. So he scored it lower because he internalized that he shouldn't want or need affirmation. I make sure to tell him and positively reinforce everything he does that I like and love. I am specific though because a generic, I love you every day would make him uncomfortable.
I'm so sorry he had to go through that! I'm glad he found a loving and considerate partner like you. May you both have a long and happy marriage together! Of course I can't speak for your husband, but I will say that in my (not so bad but still) experience you're so right too. I've never had trophies thrown away but I have had all my diplomas thrown on the floor and almost ripped in half. I was also taught to never have any positive expectations, to have no dreams, to be accepting of misbehavior towards me (for example sexual harassment/assault), and I think the worst, that I'm incapable of even small basic stuff. I internalized that I should expect to be disrespected. That I should never trust anyone ever. That I shouldn't need to rely on other people and more so that I shouldn't want or need their emotional support. I cannot tell you how incredibly happy it makes me to hear genuine words of appreciation!! Hearing good things about yourself spoken in a very natural manner like it's obvious is the MOST amazing thing. Or to hear sincere encouragement, so important!! A friend told me he has full faith that I can do a course I started and I almost started crying, I had never realized before how badly I needed to hear a sincere "you can do it". Your husband is very lucky that you give him authentic appreciation! Keep at it ❤
I really love silent quality time. I can’t really explain why but spending time just being there and knowing we are together without speaking is so comforting. It’s intimiate. Playing games together, watching movies, I want all those things, those times.
My love language is definitely physical touch! The biggest Do for me is being with someone who hugs me throughout the day. I don't even need to talk much :D Hugs are sometimes all I need to feel loved
Quality of time is definitely my #1. I noticed towards the end of my last relationship that all I wanted was to spend time with my ex. I wanted him to plan dates for us. I wanted him to come visit me and spend time with me. The lack of quality time led me to feel frustrated, especially more after the fact that we had a conversation about it and nothing changed.
I just got out of a relationship two days ago. My long distance boyfriend agreed to come to Ghana to come spend time with me during my birthday week. He came and suddenly everything changed. He told me he has circumstances with business and that he can’t spend time with me anymore. Since then, my whole mood changed for the rest of the month. I couldn’t work or do anything meaningful. And the fact that he had the guts to tell me i am not being happy and understanding is what finally made me realize he doesn’t care as much as he thought he does. I’ve been crushed since and made a decision to move on. He literally ignored me the whole time. At first I was wondering if something was wrong with me for feeling this way, but watching this video has made me understand that I’m very ok and it’s just my way of feeling loved. Thank you 🙏
as a gift giving person i really used to feel embarrassed about it being my first love language because i don't want my girlfriend to think i'm being materialistic or that i'm using her it's just that i really really appreciate when someone remembers the things i like, it makes me really happy and as you said in the video, it doesn't even have to be something expensive. just small things that show me she cares about me and remembers about my favorite things and what i'm into
I am a person who's love language is gift giving and here's what I have to say. I am a child who loves showing that they care and remember the things that people like so when I see something that reminds me of them I get it. I hate receiving things, like even things I want. I think i'm wasting their money when I could buy it buy it for my self. When people try and pay me back I hate taking their money when it is what I got for them. I think that materialistic things capture so much in something we can see so it makes me happy.
My love language has definitely changed with my partners as far as ranking but one that always seems to stick is giving gifts. As a child, I'd always write my parents poems and cards saying I love you and thank you, and every chance I could get I was giving them gifts. Treating those I love to food or finding something I know they'll love always makes me really happy. As someone who is very money conscious, those I love and care about, I never have to think twice or feel bad about spending money on. Ive always felt like I've expressed myself best when I'm giving gifts. On the other hand I could care less about receiving gifts but I like to be appreciated and the person's satisfaction with the gift makes my entire day
The love languages only work if both people are committed to the process. My wife's language is "Acts of Service" and mine is "Physical Touch". I started to do the things around the house that she hated to do, such as the cleaning, laundry, dishes and everything else to clean. She was dong nothing to speak to my language. The thing that really angered me the most was when she came home one day and asked why my "chores" were not done yet. The very next day I told her that the help was on strike until she agreed to counseling. My point is that if both parties are not fully with the process, it can cause even more resentment than not even doing the love languages. That was what happened to me. As my wife withheld intimacy, (not just sex but physical touch in general) I became more and more resentful. Happily for us, we started to see a counselor and have begun the work of healing our marriage.
@@bladegriggs4090 It is still a work in process. Our marriage got to this point through the years, not just a matter of days. It will take years to fix it.
You should be helping your wife with chores regardless if it is her love language or not. She should be trying to speak your love language as well, but maybe there is an underlying issue holding her back. If you just stopped helping with chores, it's only going to make things worse. I'm an act of service person as well, but I don't consider someone doing a regular household chore as fulfilling my love language. I would consider someone doing something that is for me as fulfilling my love language, such as giving me a pedicure or washing my car.
I can be a tad bit controlling when it comes to chores so sometimes when I'm doing something my boyfriend will say "I'll stand next to you in support until you're done" and I find it oddly adorable and appreciate it because he still standing there talking to me but I'm still able to do my task the way I want to. Other times he runs errands with me or for me. I appreciate all the little things he does 💞 can't wait to try some of these ideas with him
I’m watching Love is Blind right now and one of the guys on there has word of affirmation and it’s clear as day. It’s hard to watch when his partner disregards his need to be verbally validated. That’s common when ppl don’t know about love languages tho.
I've known my love language to be words of affirmation for a while, but never connected that it can also be the way someone can hurt me as well. I can confirm I am very sensitive to when people talk down to me, and it's been a big factor in whether I can keep a relationship with someone (whether platonic or romantic). Very good insight and love your channel so much. Thank you for sharing 🥰
My top love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time (in that order). My thing is hugs. I live for hugs, that's why I like working with young children because they love to hug on people that are kind to them. Even when adults tell me I was too hard on my 3 and 4 year old students I would tell them "watch this" and say "I need a hug." At least 3 of my students would come up and hug me. Being told I did a great job, or I look nice, or even being told thank you are all things that make me smile too. Unfortunately, I do not meet men often who give me these things, and the ones that use words of affirmation or time are usually not interested in a relationship with me or are married.
This was SUCH a helpful video! I never understood quality time as a love language, but I understand it more now. It's also so interesting to see how people can be hurt in their love languages. Great video 🥰 Happy Valentine's Day!!
Great tips❤ The trick is being able to enforce these on yourself before expecting someone else too - may feel or seem weird in the beginning but loving on you is the best kind of love to experience.
I'm definitely an acts of service, words of affirmation and gift giving girl (those are my top 3). And that thing you said about acts of service is so true. It really hurts me when people only focus on the things I haven't done, while failing to notice or give me credit for the things I have done. I also love the suggestion you gave for words of affirmation. I LOVE receiving love letters (when leaving high school, one thing I asked my friends to do for me was write me a love letter, and they all did! I still have the letters till date 😊). Thank you for making this video. It was so helpful.
Thankyou for the reminder... my husband and I have both read the book and I have also bought it on audible. When you don't speak the same love language, and actually have to work at speaking his, then every reminder helps. He is physical touch. I'm not a touchy person. It's hard to remember how important it is to provide it.
Funny, growing up I always thought I'm a quality time-kind of person. But then I realised physical touch and acts of service reassure me the most that my needs are seen and important to the other person... with acts of service I know why that became so important: I feel reassured that I wouldn't be the only one doing chores in a marriage but that that person might meet me halfway. You could say I could just ask about this, but I prefer experiencing that it is true rather than just believing... and physical proximity and affection tend to make me feel much closer to the other person emotionally than a picnic would. :D
Quality time is my top love language. I hate when quality time is disrupted by devices. So carve out the time and put down the phone! Something that’s really important to me is drinking coffee with my hubby in the mornings, even if we don’t talk much, and it bothers me so much when he feels like the silence has to be filled with Instagram reels.
This made me think. I can understand better now why I can get so sad when plans are changed/cancelled, and how when I say what my gf has done or what I understand she's done that's upset me, that me focussing on/noticing just the negatives that day, is like saying that she's bad. Gotta take or say the good with the bad and be more caring.
I love talking and learning about the 5 love languages, I feel it's such an amazing thing to know and it really improved my relationship with my boyfriend! We've been together 12 years this year because we truly understand how the other gives and receives love ❤️ my two love languages are words and touch and his are quality time and acts of service.. couldn't be more opposite and that did cause issues around the 3 year mark before we discovered love languages because we both felt like the other was losing interest because we were only seeing the relationship through or own life language. I found the Donts very helpful and will definitely be more conscious of that now! Thank you for this video 😄
Both my ex husband and I shared physical touch as one of our top two love languages, respectively. I agree that in the midst of an argument, having some sort of physical touch can be really reassuring, like a hug or a hand hold. I also want to stress that no one is entitled to your physical touch. There were times where my ex would make me feel guilty for "withholding affection," but the reality was that when I felt emotionally unsafe (and I often would feel this way during our arguments, as he was emotionally and verbally abusive) I was not comfortable even hugging him. So to add onto what you said about rejecting physical touch: rejecting touch from your partner in the midst of an argument is a healthy boundary to have. Communication and mutual respect is required so that no one feels severely wounded or betrayed. There are ways to withhold affection that is destructive; it's a balance between having and communicating your personal boundaries with love and respect. After lots of counseling I learned that it was OKAY for me to say no to his desire for a hug in those moments, because if someone loves and respects you, they can accept your "no" with grace, and be there when you are ready to give it without overstepping your boundaries.
Hey Steph Anya, During the course of 28 years the wife and I explored the same book. She presented it as a love gift, highly recommended. So, when you acknowledged the husband and you are 12+ years IN that reminded me of how good life is. Great job of explaining the do's & don'ts on each love language. Like, Subscribe and SURE enough left a comment! ✨
I took the test and currently my love language is quality time.. so something I’m planning on talking about with my partner. This valentines I made cards for my friends and it warmed my heart to see them surprised and happy to receive, especially because a few have recognised their love languages is receiving gifts/words of affirmations. Really useful video, thank you 😊
We learn everyday, i thought quality time as a love language means always wanting to be around your partner almost all the time. Now i am realizing the thin line between wanting quality time and being needy.
This explains so much about my relationship with my sibling! Sib's an acts of service person, but I hate, hate, hate when he offers to help me - but don't know how to say no to him because I dread his criticism (which is frequent). Which brings me to: I'm an affirmation person, I gotta be told I'm doing all right and that I need to keep going in this or that direction, which gives me a sense of orientation - and I absolutely hate criticism, especially losses of temper, and in front of other people who side with the sibling who lost his temper (his spouse, mother, etc.). This is all a terrible combination when I hate the services my sibling tries to give, and I get annoyed at something he did wrong or failed to do.
I’ve also seen that. Gift is the most criticized love language, and I think it’s a collateral damage of our difficult relationship with material goods because we have such an abundance of it. The underlying healing message I see under the receiving gifts love language is "your uniqueness and your quirks are worthy of being noticed and celebrated". I’ve often seen people with gifts as their love language who’ve had in their formative years to compromise about their preferences and have been asked to fit the mold, stay in line with the group, downplay their identity. So when you give them a favour that is in line with their quirks, that wound feels soothed a little.
Everything you said regarding someone who values words RESONATED SO MUCH, and helped me understand why I might take words more personal compared to someone who doesn’t love words of affirmation, I learned a lot about myself. I think it explains why I tend to write letters, enjoy reading, or take things more to heart when something hurtful is said to me-even when the other person doesn’t mean it
Hi Steph, caught up with your recent videos yesterday. I also wanted to request Emotional Family Therapy (specifically for couples) Happy Valentines Day!
Absolutely loved this video! It's always interesting learning new ways to completely understand the 5 love languages and how to apply them. Happy Valentine's Day!
I am varied with my love languages (exception to gift giving), but quality time is just a little more important to me. The other day my boyfriend overlapped his friend hang out time with our grocery shopping time, and OMG I became so upset. I was also mad I couldn't find my charger. He'll sometimes take it so I argued with him over that. We both took some alone time, and I realized I was actually disappointed that our time was interrupted. We talked, and ended the night with a cuddle session. Grocery shopping time had to wait a day haha
Im glad i ran across this video. Ive read the book a couple of times but you broke this down to Dos and Donts that were more concrete. I also realized some things about myself and my formative years that explained some of my current behaviors and traumas that i definitely need to work on! 😢
Sometimes it takes a non-romantic relationship to identify a love language. I didn't realize I was a touch person until I moved out of my parents house, where as many as four generations of my family are usually living at any given moment and there's always a lot of hugging and kissing and pats on the back. When I moved and was living alone I didn't have any of those little nonsexual touches and I went nuts for a while until I connected the dots and made some friends.
I’m acts of service… one day my husband started to lecture me on the way he’d prefer I store the dishes on dry. I flipped out! This was super helpful ❤ sharing with him
Quality time is my top. When plans cancel or change and I am expected to deal it hurts my feelings so bad. I have settled so much in being too understanding when men fail to provide me with quality time.
Words of affirmation was spot on. I ended my last relationship bc one thing that cut me so deeply was his constant criticism, putting me down, infantilizing, insulting, etc. And as an "acts of service" person also, it's especially devastating to be called lazy and told "you can do that yourself"... No shit I can do it myself, that isn't the point. I never understood the importance of being with someone who understands how to show love to you.
Never heard about this until now. Thank you, it has given me so much more clarity on what my parterns and my love language is and it has helped me a lot!! Amazing videos, it's been a pleasure to discover your channel ❤
I never would have thought of my love language as "gifts" but I realized that it isn't the monetary value it is the personal value. If someone gives me something that is very "me" and i can tell they really put time and thought into it, that makes me happy. On the other hand, if I get a thoughtless generic gift that says "i couldn't be bothered" it is really disappointing.
Wooow .......this video is good,had multiple fights with my guy because I didn’t know his love language,he use to say we should spend quality time,this is so educative.....Tnx dear
I took the quizz and it says that my love language is acts of service, but i'm not that sure of that result. even when i was answering the questions i wasn't sure about my answers, i felt like i don't know my self that much to say what is my love language. (But what i know is that my love language is absolutly not physical touch😅)
Thank you for the explanation and making this video 😳 I took the test and my top 3 are Quality time, Acts of service, and physical touch. What I'm not surprised by is gifts being last but surprised that Affirmation didn't make 1st or 2nd place
This video was amazing! It set off so many "light bulbs" in my head and had me saying "Amen" at so many points lol! I was just speaking about the love languages with my husband and how it is important for us to take it every so often because as we grow and change, so does our love languages! P. S. Your intro/outro song is EVERYTHINGGGGGG🎉
Once again... ALL five love languages are predicated and based on feeling SAFE and SECURE with your partner (and situation) before you can experience any of them. If you do not feel safe in your environment, the PRIMARY expression of the love language is always to protect, secure and preserve the loved one.
Keeping the tally is something my partner does to me and can be devastating to me when I think of all the things I do that dont get noticed. I definitely struggle getting that point across about both people put in effort and love should never be conditional or transactional. I do also believe that there is a spectrum of this as I love giving gifts because it feels great to me but it may not be received that way. I also used to think that physical touch was my top love language but took the quiz and acts of service was my top one. Thinking this valentine's day may be a good opportunity to try to get my partner to take the quiz and see how it goes.
One of the things I've been wondering, but isn't mentioned, is that the way someone prefers to receive love may not be the way they like to give it (in a non-toxic context).
I’d like to request a video about tips to overcoming performance anxiety. I’m in a masters program for couples and family therapy and am struggling with it because of my anxiety. Thanks in advance!
Thanks for this video! Although I'm not in a relationship, your explanation made me realize why I feel unappreciated sometimes when I do something for my friends or family. Definitely taking notes on the dos and don'ts, and sharing your vid as well! ❤️
This was a really helpful video! My husband's top love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service. I've definitely done those don'ts that you mentioned, so now his reactions are a lot more understandable to me. Thank you for the tips on not just what to do but what not to do as well! Because I thought I was pretty good at giving him hugs and physical affection throughout the day, telling him how much I love and appreciate him, and doing little things to help him out, but I didn't consider how much the don'ts could set all of that back.
I really love how you took this video as an opportunity for self-reflection. That shows so much maturity.
Im loving your content. Thanks for producing it! But omg the “what’s on your mind” whining intro is the most annoying thing ever. I cringe every time I hear it.
As a strong physical touch love language, it's *very* important that our partner initiates touch with us. This is very powerful and feels so good to us, as opposed to only ever responding to our touch!
Great point!
Awesome job, loved it.
wow… thanks for that as i have discovered my partner loves that! im so not used to it but open for him ❤ hopefully w time ill learn to like it as well
One thing I'd like to add as an Acts of Service person... Very similar to the Don't for Gifts people.
DO NOT keep a tally or throw it in an acts of service person's face all the things you've done. For me, that instantly adds a feeling of the act being conditional or that you are resentful about it. Like it was never out of love in the first place
So true! I was coming to the comments to say waiting for an acts of service person to ask is a huge don't (for me), but this rings even more true!
@@sherondaness7505 RIGHT!!! Completely agree!
Couldn't agree more!!
I disagree to an extent. People WILL play you if you allow it. Always have receipts for that ass and fight illogical emotions with logic cause ain't nobody is about to tell me I changed and don't cook anymore when I cooked literally 24 hours ago for that azz. Lol I am just venting but I hear you. You have to keep a tally just in case but don't abuse it. Use it when necessary.
@@11jcarter LMAO sending you a virtual hug okay? lol
My husband usually helps me with dinner dishes. I never EXPECT it, nor do I take it for granted. And I always make sure to thank him and acknowledge him. We always help each other. We make an amazing team!
We've been married for 36 years, so I must have gotten a good one 😊😉
Thank you for the video! Have a blessed day!
Another big don’t for quality-time lovers would be to check your phone while spending time with your significant other . It seems obvious but actually we’re so used to be glued to our phones that barely anybody actually takes the phone away and focus on the conversation/movie/moment a 100%.
I had to ask this to my partner and with time he got used to it and I appreciate it so much
Quality time is my top love language, but receiving gifts is a close second. I’ve gotten emotional just because someone bought me my favorite snack or even a small little $1 item they found at the store that made them think of me. To me it proves that I exist in my loved ones’ worlds even when I’m not physically there with them
Sammmeee my top is gifts and I’ve had experiences in the past where people are like “dude you’re so materialistic” and I’m like you don’t get it I’d treasure a popsicle stick if it has sentimental value 🙏 just let me know you remember me
Same to me l just love quality time,gift receiving doesn't matter how small it is but the thought that counts means so much and l also love if we together you take note about what l take so when I'm not with you,you bring it cos you know it is what my woman love ts so priceless 🥰🥰🥰
Yes yes, exactly how I feel about gifts
@@flowerfabuki4783 right, I hate how much ppl see it as a materialistic thing
Complete opposite
I could go 10 birthdays and christmas's without a singlr gift from my wife and be unphased, and never question if she loved me just because she didnt get me a gift
I feel unworthy of gifts. Not in a self negative way.
I greatly appreciate words of affirmation and physical touch
If my wife and i soend quality time together, physical intimacy, and she verbalizes her love and appreciation of me, boom thats a great birthday or christmas or whatever
Quality of time is my number one by far the good and the bad, when I'm in relationships I have to know exactly how long our date/time together is that day because if it's less than I expected I feel hurt! Another thing is many people confuse quality time with just time, but the quality is important! If the person is not engaged, or distracted, on their phone etc it really hurts!
Yes, "quality" is key!
That's me
Or in a bad mood 😒 like what is the point, if we’re not even going to enjoy it
True that! 💜✨
Yes! Quality time versus quantity time.
For anyone who doesn't have physical touch as one of their love languages but your loved one does, just to elaborate on the advice in the video: remembering to give your significant other random small touches throughout the day, so things like lightly rubbing their back when you're standing next to them, squeezing their arm when you're proud of something they've said (especially in public), placing your hand on their thigh when you're sitting next to each other, etc. Sometimes small gestures like these tend to be forgotten and, as someone who's top love language is physical touch, I can honestly say that having someone give me constant small touches makes me feel very loved! Sex isn't always the end goal for physical touch people :)
The glow! You look amazing!
Aww thank you! 🤗
My husband will tell you Words of Affirmation is a low category for him. But in reality he soaks it up. He grew up in a very hostile household where vulnerability would have been mocked along with trophies that were less than first place ending up in the trash. So he scored it lower because he internalized that he shouldn't want or need affirmation.
I make sure to tell him and positively reinforce everything he does that I like and love. I am specific though because a generic, I love you every day would make him uncomfortable.
I'm so sorry he had to go through that! I'm glad he found a loving and considerate partner like you. May you both have a long and happy marriage together!
Of course I can't speak for your husband, but I will say that in my (not so bad but still) experience you're so right too.
I've never had trophies thrown away but I have had all my diplomas thrown on the floor and almost ripped in half.
I was also taught to never have any positive expectations, to have no dreams, to be accepting of misbehavior towards me (for example sexual harassment/assault), and I think the worst, that I'm incapable of even small basic stuff.
I internalized that I should expect to be disrespected. That I should never trust anyone ever. That I shouldn't need to rely on other people and more so that I shouldn't want or need their emotional support.
I cannot tell you how incredibly happy it makes me to hear genuine words of appreciation!! Hearing good things about yourself spoken in a very natural manner like it's obvious is the MOST amazing thing.
Or to hear sincere encouragement, so important!! A friend told me he has full faith that I can do a course I started and I almost started crying, I had never realized before how badly I needed to hear a sincere "you can do it".
Your husband is very lucky that you give him authentic appreciation! Keep at it ❤
Words of affirmation is at the bottom of my list too. Anybody can say anything these days and not really mean it. I go by actions (acts of service).
I really love silent quality time. I can’t really explain why but spending time just being there and knowing we are together without speaking is so comforting. It’s intimiate. Playing games together, watching movies, I want all those things, those times.
Comfort in silence speaks volumes ♥️
Parallel play
My love language is definitely physical touch! The biggest Do for me is being with someone who hugs me throughout the day. I don't even need to talk much :D Hugs are sometimes all I need to feel loved
Omg same! I love an affectionate man ❤️
Quality of time is definitely my #1. I noticed towards the end of my last relationship that all I wanted was to spend time with my ex. I wanted him to plan dates for us. I wanted him to come visit me and spend time with me. The lack of quality time led me to feel frustrated, especially more after the fact that we had a conversation about it and nothing changed.
I just got out of a relationship two days ago. My long distance boyfriend agreed to come to Ghana to come spend time with me during my birthday week. He came and suddenly everything changed. He told me he has circumstances with business and that he can’t spend time with me anymore. Since then, my whole mood changed for the rest of the month. I couldn’t work or do anything meaningful. And the fact that he had the guts to tell me i am not being happy and understanding is what finally made me realize he doesn’t care as much as he thought he does. I’ve been crushed since and made a decision to move on. He literally ignored me the whole time.
At first I was wondering if something was wrong with me for feeling this way, but watching this video has made me understand that I’m very ok and it’s just my way of feeling loved. Thank you 🙏
as a gift giving person i really used to feel embarrassed about it being my first love language because i don't want my girlfriend to think i'm being materialistic or that i'm using her it's just that i really really appreciate when someone remembers the things i like, it makes me really happy and as you said in the video, it doesn't even have to be something expensive. just small things that show me she cares about me and remembers about my favorite things and what i'm into
I am a person who's love language is gift giving and here's what I have to say. I am a child who loves showing that they care and remember the things that people like so when I see something that reminds me of them I get it. I hate receiving things, like even things I want. I think i'm wasting their money when I could buy it buy it for my self. When people try and pay me back I hate taking their money when it is what I got for them. I think that materialistic things capture so much in something we can see so it makes me happy.
My love language has definitely changed with my partners as far as ranking but one that always seems to stick is giving gifts. As a child, I'd always write my parents poems and cards saying I love you and thank you, and every chance I could get I was giving them gifts.
Treating those I love to food or finding something I know they'll love always makes me really happy. As someone who is very money conscious, those I love and care about, I never have to think twice or feel bad about spending money on. Ive always felt like I've expressed myself best when I'm giving gifts.
On the other hand I could care less about receiving gifts but I like to be appreciated and the person's satisfaction with the gift makes my entire day
Steph got her looks on point... sis got style
Haha thank youuu!
The love languages only work if both people are committed to the process. My wife's language is "Acts of Service" and mine is "Physical Touch". I started to do the things around the house that she hated to do, such as the cleaning, laundry, dishes and everything else to clean. She was dong nothing to speak to my language. The thing that really angered me the most was when she came home one day and asked why my "chores" were not done yet. The very next day I told her that the help was on strike until she agreed to counseling.
My point is that if both parties are not fully with the process, it can cause even more resentment than not even doing the love languages. That was what happened to me. As my wife withheld intimacy, (not just sex but physical touch in general) I became more and more resentful. Happily for us, we started to see a counselor and have begun the work of healing our marriage.
How are y'all doing now?
@@bladegriggs4090 It is still a work in process. Our marriage got to this point through the years, not just a matter of days. It will take years to fix it.
You should be helping your wife with chores regardless if it is her love language or not. She should be trying to speak your love language as well, but maybe there is an underlying issue holding her back. If you just stopped helping with chores, it's only going to make things worse. I'm an act of service person as well, but I don't consider someone doing a regular household chore as fulfilling my love language. I would consider someone doing something that is for me as fulfilling my love language, such as giving me a pedicure or washing my car.
It's not "helping with chores" if you also live there.
I can be a tad bit controlling when it comes to chores so sometimes when I'm doing something my boyfriend will say "I'll stand next to you in support until you're done" and I find it oddly adorable and appreciate it because he still standing there talking to me but I'm still able to do my task the way I want to. Other times he runs errands with me or for me. I appreciate all the little things he does 💞 can't wait to try some of these ideas with him
I’m watching Love is Blind right now and one of the guys on there has word of affirmation and it’s clear as day. It’s hard to watch when his partner disregards his need to be verbally validated. That’s common when ppl don’t know about love languages tho.
I've known my love language to be words of affirmation for a while, but never connected that it can also be the way someone can hurt me as well. I can confirm I am very sensitive to when people talk down to me, and it's been a big factor in whether I can keep a relationship with someone (whether platonic or romantic). Very good insight and love your channel so much. Thank you for sharing 🥰
My top love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time (in that order). My thing is hugs. I live for hugs, that's why I like working with young children because they love to hug on people that are kind to them. Even when adults tell me I was too hard on my 3 and 4 year old students I would tell them "watch this" and say "I need a hug." At least 3 of my students would come up and hug me. Being told I did a great job, or I look nice, or even being told thank you are all things that make me smile too. Unfortunately, I do not meet men often who give me these things, and the ones that use words of affirmation or time are usually not interested in a relationship with me or are married.
This was SUCH a helpful video! I never understood quality time as a love language, but I understand it more now. It's also so interesting to see how people can be hurt in their love languages. Great video 🥰 Happy Valentine's Day!!
I’m so glad you that you found it helpful! Happy Valentine’s Day ♥️
Great tips❤ The trick is being able to enforce these on yourself before expecting someone else too - may feel or seem weird in the beginning but loving on you is the best kind of love to experience.
You are saving my relationships one video at a time! This is so informative, thank you!!
I'm definitely an acts of service, words of affirmation and gift giving girl (those are my top 3). And that thing you said about acts of service is so true. It really hurts me when people only focus on the things I haven't done, while failing to notice or give me credit for the things I have done. I also love the suggestion you gave for words of affirmation. I LOVE receiving love letters (when leaving high school, one thing I asked my friends to do for me was write me a love letter, and they all did! I still have the letters till date 😊). Thank you for making this video. It was so helpful.
Thankyou for the reminder... my husband and I have both read the book and I have also bought it on audible. When you don't speak the same love language, and actually have to work at speaking his, then every reminder helps. He is physical touch. I'm not a touchy person. It's hard to remember how important it is to provide it.
Funny, growing up I always thought I'm a quality time-kind of person. But then I realised physical touch and acts of service reassure me the most that my needs are seen and important to the other person... with acts of service I know why that became so important: I feel reassured that I wouldn't be the only one doing chores in a marriage but that that person might meet me halfway. You could say I could just ask about this, but I prefer experiencing that it is true rather than just believing... and physical proximity and affection tend to make me feel much closer to the other person emotionally than a picnic would. :D
Would love a follow up video about how some people may show love in a different love language than they receive it! Love this topic and your content 💕
Quality time is my top love language. I hate when quality time is disrupted by devices. So carve out the time and put down the phone! Something that’s really important to me is drinking coffee with my hubby in the mornings, even if we don’t talk much, and it bothers me so much when he feels like the silence has to be filled with Instagram reels.
This made me think. I can understand better now why I can get so sad when plans are changed/cancelled, and how when I say what my gf has done or what I understand she's done that's upset me, that me focussing on/noticing just the negatives that day, is like saying that she's bad. Gotta take or say the good with the bad and be more caring.
I love talking and learning about the 5 love languages, I feel it's such an amazing thing to know and it really improved my relationship with my boyfriend! We've been together 12 years this year because we truly understand how the other gives and receives love ❤️ my two love languages are words and touch and his are quality time and acts of service.. couldn't be more opposite and that did cause issues around the 3 year mark before we discovered love languages because we both felt like the other was losing interest because we were only seeing the relationship through or own life language. I found the Donts very helpful and will definitely be more conscious of that now! Thank you for this video 😄
Both my ex husband and I shared physical touch as one of our top two love languages, respectively. I agree that in the midst of an argument, having some sort of physical touch can be really reassuring, like a hug or a hand hold. I also want to stress that no one is entitled to your physical touch. There were times where my ex would make me feel guilty for "withholding affection," but the reality was that when I felt emotionally unsafe (and I often would feel this way during our arguments, as he was emotionally and verbally abusive) I was not comfortable even hugging him. So to add onto what you said about rejecting physical touch: rejecting touch from your partner in the midst of an argument is a healthy boundary to have. Communication and mutual respect is required so that no one feels severely wounded or betrayed. There are ways to withhold affection that is destructive; it's a balance between having and communicating your personal boundaries with love and respect. After lots of counseling I learned that it was OKAY for me to say no to his desire for a hug in those moments, because if someone loves and respects you, they can accept your "no" with grace, and be there when you are ready to give it without overstepping your boundaries.
Hey Steph Anya,
During the course of 28 years the wife and I explored the same book. She presented it as a love gift, highly recommended. So, when you acknowledged the husband and you are 12+ years IN that reminded me of how good life is. Great job of explaining the do's & don'ts on each love language. Like, Subscribe and SURE enough left a comment! ✨
I took the test and currently my love language is quality time.. so something I’m planning on talking about with my partner. This valentines I made cards for my friends and it warmed my heart to see them surprised and happy to receive, especially because a few have recognised their love languages is receiving gifts/words of affirmations. Really useful video, thank you 😊
That's such a sweet thing to do especially for friends. They're lucky to have you.
love this! Super clear and helps with communication with loved ones. Especially outlining the “dont’s”
We learn everyday, i thought quality time as a love language means always wanting to be around your partner almost all the time. Now i am realizing the thin line between wanting quality time and being needy.
This explains so much about my relationship with my sibling! Sib's an acts of service person, but I hate, hate, hate when he offers to help me - but don't know how to say no to him because I dread his criticism (which is frequent). Which brings me to: I'm an affirmation person, I gotta be told I'm doing all right and that I need to keep going in this or that direction, which gives me a sense of orientation - and I absolutely hate criticism, especially losses of temper, and in front of other people who side with the sibling who lost his temper (his spouse, mother, etc.). This is all a terrible combination when I hate the services my sibling tries to give, and I get annoyed at something he did wrong or failed to do.
I’ve also seen that. Gift is the most criticized love language, and I think it’s a collateral damage of our difficult relationship with material goods because we have such an abundance of it. The underlying healing message I see under the receiving gifts love language is "your uniqueness and your quirks are worthy of being noticed and celebrated". I’ve often seen people with gifts as their love language who’ve had in their formative years to compromise about their preferences and have been asked to fit the mold, stay in line with the group, downplay their identity. So when you give them a favour that is in line with their quirks, that wound feels soothed a little.
Everything you said regarding someone who values words RESONATED SO MUCH, and helped me understand why I might take words more personal compared to someone who doesn’t love words of affirmation, I learned a lot about myself. I think it explains why I tend to write letters, enjoy reading, or take things more to heart when something hurtful is said to me-even when the other person doesn’t mean it
Hi Steph, caught up with your recent videos yesterday. I also wanted to request Emotional Family Therapy (specifically for couples) Happy Valentines Day!
Got it! Happy Valentine's Day!
L💕VE we are catching up on our videos and comments today ✌🏽
What brings me up here today is words of affirmation and physical touch. Thank you for your videos
Absolutely loved this video! It's always interesting learning new ways to completely understand the 5 love languages and how to apply them. Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentines Day!! ♥️😘
Physical touch and acts of service here!
I love it when my partner playes with my hair ❤
And when we work around the house together as a team 😊
Hair play is the besttt
I am varied with my love languages (exception to gift giving), but quality time is just a little more important to me. The other day my boyfriend overlapped his friend hang out time with our grocery shopping time, and OMG I became so upset. I was also mad I couldn't find my charger. He'll sometimes take it so I argued with him over that. We both took some alone time, and I realized I was actually disappointed that our time was interrupted. We talked, and ended the night with a cuddle session. Grocery shopping time had to wait a day haha
I shared this video with my mom, and she really got a lot out of it.
Thank you for sharing it! I’m so glad that she found it useful.
Im glad i ran across this video. Ive read the book a couple of times but you broke this down to Dos and Donts that were more concrete. I also realized some things about myself and my formative years that explained some of my current behaviors and traumas that i definitely need to work on! 😢
You are a true beautiful 🤩 soul and blessing!..worded so eloquently. Peace ✌️and blessings your way..thank you 🙏 for these pearls of wisdom!
Appreciation no matter the love language goes a LONG WAY.
Sometimes it takes a non-romantic relationship to identify a love language. I didn't realize I was a touch person until I moved out of my parents house, where as many as four generations of my family are usually living at any given moment and there's always a lot of hugging and kissing and pats on the back. When I moved and was living alone I didn't have any of those little nonsexual touches and I went nuts for a while until I connected the dots and made some friends.
My wife needs all of these. In abundance.
Also, funny thing... im right in the middle of the book 'the body doesn't forget' and suddenly you had a vlog on it. Amazing book ❤
I’m acts of service… one day my husband started to lecture me on the way he’d prefer I store the dishes on dry. I flipped out! This was super helpful ❤ sharing with him
Handmade gifts are precious too
Quality time is my top. When plans cancel or change and I am expected to deal it hurts my feelings so bad. I have settled so much in being too understanding when men fail to provide me with quality time.
I have never heard the love languages reversed into the don'ts. This video really helped me to understand people better. Thank you!
So glad!
Words of affirmation was spot on. I ended my last relationship bc one thing that cut me so deeply was his constant criticism, putting me down, infantilizing, insulting, etc. And as an "acts of service" person also, it's especially devastating to be called lazy and told "you can do that yourself"... No shit I can do it myself, that isn't the point. I never understood the importance of being with someone who understands how to show love to you.
Amazing video. The Don'ts really caught my attention
Thank you!
I am so grateful for this video. I’m a physical touch person and it’s all true.
The way you made this so simplistic and informative is next level!!! So amazing thank you!
I like quality time
and touch.
I'm always trying
to make special
moments for my
loved one to feel
wonder and joy.
I give great massages.
Love this session and so timely!! Thank you!!
You're so welcome!
This is an excellent video. Very well-explained. I appreciate you sharing pitfall to watch out for.
Never heard about this until now. Thank you, it has given me so much more clarity on what my parterns and my love language is and it has helped me a lot!! Amazing videos, it's been a pleasure to discover your channel ❤
On point.. everything makes sense now. My love language is words of affirmation...
I never would have thought of my love language as "gifts" but I realized that it isn't the monetary value it is the personal value. If someone gives me something that is very "me" and i can tell they really put time and thought into it, that makes me happy. On the other hand, if I get a thoughtless generic gift that says "i couldn't be bothered" it is really disappointing.
Wooow .......this video is good,had multiple fights with my guy because I didn’t know his love language,he use to say we should spend quality time,this is so educative.....Tnx dear
I took the quizz and it says that my love language is acts of service, but i'm not that sure of that result. even when i was answering the questions i wasn't sure about my answers, i felt like i don't know my self that much to say what is my love language.
(But what i know is that my love language is absolutly not physical touch😅)
Wow! Thank you! I came here to study my husband and I learned so much about myself! Funny how our LL change over time!
Thank you for the explanation and making this video 😳 I took the test and my top 3 are Quality time, Acts of service, and physical touch. What I'm not surprised by is gifts being last but surprised that Affirmation didn't make 1st or 2nd place
I appreciate you a lot!!! You have opened my eyes to a lot as well and I wish I’d came across this information sooner!
I'm a big physical touch person. Even a pat/rub on my back helps to relax me and feel good.
Omg this video is soooooooo trueee omgomgomg thank you, I understand more my love language now 💗
I'm watching this to get to know myself better.
I love that
Words of affirmation and acts of service 🙋🏽♀️
This help better understand what’s mines really was!! Thank you🌹🌹
Thank you so much for this video. It has opened my eyes to a lot. Very very helpful!!
I'm so glad!
This video was amazing! It set off so many "light bulbs" in my head and had me saying "Amen" at so many points lol! I was just speaking about the love languages with my husband and how it is important for us to take it every so often because as we grow and change, so does our love languages!
P. S. Your intro/outro song is EVERYTHINGGGGGG🎉
Beautiful Smile ❤
Once again... ALL five love languages are predicated and based on feeling SAFE and SECURE with your partner (and situation) before you can experience any of them. If you do not feel safe in your environment, the PRIMARY expression of the love language is always to protect, secure and preserve the loved one.
This is so good and SO ACCURATE!!
You really ate this up!!!
Acts of service followed by Quality time
This is a great video for valentines day! The examples of how to apply the 5 love languages positively and negatively is so helpful :) Thanks!
Thank you very much Steph❤❤
I find that I have two that are pretty close, quality time 32 and physical touch 29. It definitely made more sense listening to you talk about these!
Keeping the tally is something my partner does to me and can be devastating to me when I think of all the things I do that dont get noticed. I definitely struggle getting that point across about both people put in effort and love should never be conditional or transactional. I do also believe that there is a spectrum of this as I love giving gifts because it feels great to me but it may not be received that way. I also used to think that physical touch was my top love language but took the quiz and acts of service was my top one. Thinking this valentine's day may be a good opportunity to try to get my partner to take the quiz and see how it goes.
So well explained, in such simple way. Very very nice tips of don'ts. Really helpful. Thank you so much. ❤😊
This is SO USEFUL!!!!! THANK YOU!!!
Glad you think so! Thank you for watching ♥️
One of the things I've been wondering, but isn't mentioned, is that the way someone prefers to receive love may not be the way they like to give it (in a non-toxic context).
Wow! Learnt a lot about myself and my partner and I'm stunned. So helpful
What are you wearing on your lips?? so stunning and cute!! I love your videos by the way. The world needs more positive and beautiful people like you!
I’d like to request a video about tips to overcoming performance anxiety. I’m in a masters program for couples and family therapy and am struggling with it because of my anxiety. Thanks in advance!
Got it. I also have a video on Imposter Syndrome that you may find helpful.
@@StephAnya thanks so much! ❤️
Thanks for this video! Although I'm not in a relationship, your explanation made me realize why I feel unappreciated sometimes when I do something for my friends or family. Definitely taking notes on the dos and don'ts, and sharing your vid as well! ❤️
Thank you so much for your content!
Don't know your love language Steph... But my three year old just looked over and said ... "WOW she's beautiful momma!" 🥰😘
🥹awww how sweet! Thank you for sharing that with me♥️
Thank you for the “don’ts” and explaining the why behind it. Very helpful. I need to hear alternatives or other options so I can improve.
You helped me big time. Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing ❤