Are You Deactivating Or Falling Out of Love? (Fearful Avoidant)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ม.ค. 2021
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In this video, I talk about how to know when you are falling out of love or you are simply deactivating. This is a particular touching subject for the Fearful Avoidant, as deactivation can be a common thing you do, and that's why it's important to identify when it's happening.
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Thank you for watching!
It’s literally like a light switch for me when this happens, it’s terrifying. Boom, done.
Same...I hate it 😢
It’s scary how quickly I can cut off emotions 🥲😭
My fearful avoidant didn't want connection. His 'need' was to be away from relationship. He doesn't do 'relationship.'
Content starts at 1:24
Thanks
THE ONLY COMMENT I LOOK FOR WHENEVER WATCHING THAIS
Fermin Patteson It is a real dick move to plug your paranoia software to a bunch of people trying to recover from an anxious attachment style. You’re like the drug dealer at an NA meeting.
This last time my DA pulled away, I realized I don't even miss him anymore. I don't even have the desire to see him or talk to him.
Sometimes the FA has a blind spot and only imagines that they have communicated their needs. If they expressed what they want, their partner may actually be thrilled to do what makes them happy. Not giving a partner the opportunity to know or a reasonable period of time to make changes and get feedback that the FA is actually feeling satisfied means the partner will be hurting bad wondering why things didn't work out.
I keep seeing this come up. “The FA THINKS they communicated a need when they really didn’t...”
How can I have such a distorted sense of reality in regards to that?
I’m so confused. Wondering if they are good or bad for you or if you’re in love or you aren’t and hearing all of their pleading and reasons you will regret leaving because this is just your trauma acting out...then to hear that I could have straight it up imagined entire conversations? It almost feels like being gaslighted.
I long for clarity.
Ooooof. Ok.
This is what I’m feeling right now. However my FA did communicate his expectations, but doesn’t give enough time for the feedback. Leaving me absolutely confused
I can relate so much to this. My partner just deactivated because he wasn't able to express his needs clearly to me, even if I kept on asking for suggestions on how to work on our relationship so I can understand him better. It's been three weeks and I am still hurt.
Sounds like me! Lol
RE: DA vs. FA deactivation (IMO deactivation eventually leads to falling out of love): In my experience, DAs deactivate any time there's a conflict where they're not getting their way or over an issue brought up by the other person. When this happens enough, the DA deactivates hundreds of little times on a daily basis until their partner can't take it anymore and leaves, or the DA just lives in their narrative about the relationship instead of checking in to the reality and deactivates themselves right out the door.
On the other hand, FAs usually lean in to their anxious side with a DA and activate over and over trying to fix the relationship until they're fed up with continually being disregarded. Then they deactivate with a hard shutdown and decide that they're done putting *any* work into this relationship until the DA proves themselves by making up for all the one-sidedness the FA feels. If the DA doesn't take that cue to pick up the slack and restore balance, the FA is done forever. Even if they stay, (like for the kids) they're pretty much checked out of the relationship for good.
Yes. That’s my situation now with my DA
Sooo true
💯
That’s exactly what happened with my DA. He even wrote an apology letter but still didn’t follow through with his actions. I couldn’t deal anymore.
Like people cant change lmao. DA/FA want a perfect partner which they will never get. Just work on your relation or give the ex a chance to proof itself. Love isnt hard if u put some work in it. Fun part is DA/FA never really set boundaries or needs. They only think they did so they lie to themselves.
The polarity is confusing.
Unmet needs: there are needs that my partner is not meeting. They are not feeling fulfilled.
Triggered: they feel hurt, they deactivate.
I knew I was not falling out of love, but I absolutely love hearing more about triggered FA deactivation. Makes me feel calm , because as just like you said, the shift can feel chaotic and uncomfortable.
At times it makes me feel crazy
Wow! I'm a healing FA and this is absolutely one of my top worries. This is something I used to ask myself all the time, even for the smallest of things missed by my partner when the relationship started becoming more serious. From what I've figured out so far, thankfully, its just my needs not being met sometimes and I'm learning to communicate them without being triggred BUT my subconscious still keeps looking out for any emerging patterns there..urrghh..like..Just chill out sub, let me breath... LOL
I hear you
This is one of the major reason I don't want to get into a relationship. I fear the desactivation so very much. I inow it will hurt me, but I am more afraid of hurting a worthy mate. No therapist has been able to help me through that.
My case, I guess. My current attempt to stay in a relationship costs me huge amounts of inner turmoil
6000+ languages in the world and you chose to speak facts. Thank you for this video!
My FA also suffers from PTSD. So the lack of communication is ten-fold. He deactivated on me for about 3 weeks. I literally asked him if he needed space and he took that as “I don’t want to be bothered with you.” He then created a reason to end our relationship entirely. As an AP I freaked and made it even worse. I’m trying to go no contact with him buts so hard. He’s self aware but not to its entirety. Edit: I found out he lied and cheated nearly our whole relationship. He is a narcissist and I’m done with it.
i'm so sorry. hope you recovered
I'm sorry
My god. Horrible
Sending you so much love. You are worthy of true love. I'm so sorry for your pain I pray the real deal finds you soon.
I'm sorry sis, you will find your love ❤
As a FA when the trust is broken I'm out, I know I can't go back and I don't want to, I don't care how much I like you.
I completely hear you and being an FA, I totally understand that BUT hear me out.. sometimes, just sometimes, our definition of "Trust" can be unrealistic. Especially when we start dating someone, we (being FA) would observe their every move, what they like and dislike but the other person might not be as hyper-vigilant as us (and they don't have to be; we just have to get better at communicating).
So when they miss doing something for us or do it in a way we won't like, sometimes we can label that event as "they don't know us at all so they are not trustworthy.." when it's usually not true. It takes time and good communication to know someone truly.
Its always good to question the story we're telling ourselves or talk it out :)
@@nainafavs and sometimes, even if we are FAs, we are correct in assessing that someone is untrustworthy.
truth
@@margaretwilkinson8188 oh yes, absolutely! Saved me from so many toxic family relationships and friendships where I've realised it first and stepped away from that toxic person (and others thought I was being egotistic or overreacting) but later on they confirmed that same thing about the toxic person.
@@ShawnFin oh yes absolutely.. So many times I've got the feeling that just bcz my partner has not done something right (and by that I mean he didn't do it the way I would have done it), he would never make it right, he would not listen to me and it'll all be a mess in future.. Its just all in my head and I have to bring myself back to planet earth saying its just this one incident.. He will understand, you just have to communicate. 😄
I actually went through this a couple years ago when I initially split from my husband but it wasn’t because I didn’t communicate my needs. It was because I was communicating but my husband wasn’t meeting my needs regardless of communication or discussion about what I could do to make it easier for him to be able to meet me halfway with my needs and it’d been going for years. I went insane/insanely unhealthy after that for a long time. It took ages after the split to be able to get my mind back to being healthy. But anyways, hubs fixed his shiz over the next couple years of the split and now we’re back together and doing way better. During the split I taught myself not to be dependent on needing anyone to be there to meet my needs so I’m more self sufficient and I guess he kinda says I’m somewhat colder and less affectionate than before but I mean IMO I’m definitely healthier than I was when I was asking my partner to meet my needs and then just waiting and waiting and doing everything for him for nothing in return.
I would check out Adriane everheart to warm things up and inspire him to be more giving to you since hes willing to do work to be with you
would you say, you're speaking about when you're feeling the anxiety, such as needing the closeness??
This is what I’m going through right now. Have called it quits for very same reason. Hubby is DA. Not sure if he will do the work and return.
LiSaia, hope your doing well, were you and your husband in no contact when split ? I'm worried my fa ex deactivated permanently in no contact. Thanks
Same! I’m a healing FA but I dated another FA I always communicated what I need he just didn’t do it and I felt like I was going insane I left.
I’ve been following you for awhile but this literally JUST happened to me! I teeter between an FA and Secure attachment style, dating a secure man. Most recently I went from being completely content and peaceful and in love to feeling numb and detached, seemingly without warning. “Deactivating” is a good word. I was withdrawn, nitpicky, and beginning to sabotage. You are absolutely correct about how we are feeling with our relationship with ourself causing it AND the triggers. I require a lot of alone time to reflect and recharge. And Sometimes those triggers are so discreet that I have to dive deep to go back and figure what exactly set me off. Now that I’m aware, I’m going to try and work on it. Thanks for clarifying tho! Makes perfect sense🤓😊
Me too! I am an FA dating a secure man and this exactly happened to me. I panicked and told him I wasn’t sure of how I was feeling, that I was confused, overwhelmed and started to act less affectionate towards him and saying I needed a bit of space, then I noticed, he seemed okay since he is a secure attachment, he told me whatever you need and makes you feel comfortable, so when I took like a day or two, I was panicking because I noticed what I have done, I had tried to sabotage what we had because I love him so much.
And I noticed it even more when I was talking to a friend, and I had said “ I just can’t depend on him like that” “ I am getting to comfortable with him being there when something happens” and shes like “ but why? what are you so afraid of? In order to be in a relationship, you need to learn how to depend on each other, you need to be vulnerable”
And after that I noticed, what the problem was more in depth, sometimes we make excuses that seem “good enough” because we’re afraid and after we lose them and we do everything in our power to drive them away, we tell ourselves we were right, they weren’t any good anyway or we actually noticed that they were good and that we had messed up but we don’t try and fix it because that will seem too “vulnerable”.
Ellen, Mercy, have you had any success with this? Reason I ask is the exact same as you describe is happening to me and I can't work out why. New to PDS and wanting just to go back to all the good feelings!
@@jackg8568 kind of, I realized that for us FA we need to give ourselves space when we feel overwhelmed with feelings and also knowing what are sone “needs” in the relationship that need to be met to see if the person is meeting them, if not, that is sometimes the reason why we deactivate instead of communicating or being our regular selves with them.
In other words, some things that have worked for me is asking myself some questions, communicating with my partner and giving myself some space for a day or 2 if feeling to overwhelmed.
Some questions I asked myself-
• what are your fears when it comes down to relationships?
• what are some of your “needs” in a relationship?
• what does vulnerability mean to you? what do you relate vulnerability to ?
• what are some things i need my partner to do to help?
OH AND one more thing, please feel your feelings- please listen to your thoughts
Do not wait till you’re over the edge to listen to what you need!!
I don’t much have the anxious attachment end of it. My shift happened when I realized my partner was incredibly selfish and had no care for my feelings. My needs weren’t getting met. Multiple attempts of communicating that were unsuccessful. It’s exhausting. When your partner consistently invalidates your feelings and makes it clear they don’t have any intent on meeting your needs. There has to be reciprocation in a relationship. I had been working on my attachment and growing. He had no intent on looking at himself.
Amazing content!!! Resonates a lot
This video is LIFECHANGING - thank you so much Thais!
Thank you for this!
Thank you for this, makes me feel understood! :) relationships are so confusing sometimes for a FA
This video popped up just in time for me, so thank you whoever asked this very important question, and thank you Thais for the wonderful explanation. Much love to you, and have a great 2021! 💝💝💝💟
Wow! I have NO problem sharing my needs. As a FA, I don't see it as deactivation but, becoming Numb from rejection.
the question i ask myself a lot. Great video
I ask this to myself always😑
Thank you; this feels so affirming re doing the work and deciding it doesn’t work as an ex-FA, now predominantly secure. Grateful for the journey ❤️ your videos have been illuminating, Thais + team. Found you after reading Attached and looking for more info on this topic. Thank you again ✨
Thanks for the compliments! happy you found us :)
-PDS team member
Thank you this helped me a lot. I’m currently triggered and I felt like I’m not sure why I’m not dealing with things in a calmer way.
I have never done an online quiz that tells you something about yourself and have it be so accurate!
To find out it marked me as an FA I then read up about it and watched your videos and it validated me so deeply as it explains behaviours I have always questioned about myself!
I get your emails and I still have that sceptical ‘could it just be chance’ feeling about it but this morning getting the email and this video.. I cried!
This is me through and through! It explains so much and I need to rewatch to fully absorb and process the information but it’s just incredible how you have hit the nail on the head!
This was a question I asked a lot when I was dating my FA-ex, this gives a lot of retrospective clarity :) thanks Thais!
Happy this video gave you some good clarity :)
-PDS team member
Yes!!! Spot on!!😀
Thank you ❤️
I really needed this video. I'm the FA here and I feel so unloved because yesterday I told my bf that I really want him to video call me today for Valentine's but then he forgot 😭😭 It's nice to know that I'm not being overdramatic here 🥺
Remember, we’re looking for patterns. If he is truly remorseful he won’t do it again. If he does do it again, you should respect yourself enough to know you deserve better and tell him so.
I'm an FA. I don't communicate my needs to people cos in this day and age, asking for anything will be considered criticism or like i'm needy/clingy and be turned against me. Not gonna happen.
With no communication. It’s never gonna work
Depending on the way you communicate, it can also be viewed as emotionally intelligent, mature, well spoken, reasonable, lucid and conscious.
@@kurtlamprecht93 I have, i love Thais! But no, when i open up to someone and get neglected and ignored... i'm not going to continue to be vulnerable around those people. They don't deserve to see that side of me
@@TheCoffeeCat Ha, not to a DA
@@kurtlamprecht93 Are you a therapist?
Oh my god Thais you are a godsent
Can you do videos on how to break up with each attachment style in a way that will not trigger them
Honestly I think break up is triggering.
This is a great idea!
please do this for anxious attachment!
And DA... 👍🏻
If an FA/DA expresses an unmet need for emotional connection while subsequently questioning what they feel, can this ever be met in a relationship if the person is emotionally disconnected from self?
But then connecting, and being vulnerable and constantly communicating( especially about someone like me who has so many triggers) is so draining and overwhelming.. I have been doing this with my partner and at times I feel like I want to run, sometimes saying to myself like “ why I had to fall in love?” or maybe “ it would be more easier if I was single instead”
Anyways, I still don’t know if I have lost some “feelings” maybe not feelings but something about sex I’ve noticed,, i’m not as interested in sex and I don’t know why
When you are under a lot of stress, sex drive tends to tank HARD. Your brain and body is basically saying "Why would I want to have sex if it requires too much energy and everything could harm me at any moment?!" That is how it is for me right now and it sucks so much. :/
@@Spats2Bats that is true. Stress plays a really big role on that too. I feel you. :/
Can we lose all attraction, desire, and feeling "in love" consistently for a long period to our partner, out of self protection? Can our feelings shift back with healing?
Sounds like you're a Borderline
I'm wondering the same thing. Any update?
@@amikashah9818 from what I hear, the answer is yes, but my OCD makes me doubt it.
I needed this now! I am in a dating situation and I’m not sure how to handle it.
I have this question that has been bordering me for a while now: what's the limit to the attachment style in somebody's life and personality?
TY TY
Happy New Year 2021🎉
Yes, I have been in incompatible relationships. I express my needs
in relationships.
This makes sense in retrospect. Though I have more secure attachment. I can shift to some patterns of FA & deactivate like DA, after seeing pervasive patterns of nonprogressive relationships.
I do evolve much, so another factor could be outgrowing relationships.
#Self Worth
#Self Care
#Self Love
#Infinite Possibilities
#Angel 👼 Number# 7070
I feel like I did what was said reconsidered needs and maybe just not being compatible, and nourishing myself but I still feel heartbroken and wish it wasn’t over. Do secure types feel they are incompatible and break up because of that or do they work on that given compatibility not being a given?
Starts @1:30
Do they deactivate from feeling too much? And then having fears coming up from having emotional intimacy?
Hello, Tais! It's very important for the DA to set bounderies, right? However, my partner is FA and I'm afraid, that he could mismatch setting bounderies for giving him an ultimatum and deacivate?
What determines an FA's reaction to a trigger since they can either deactivate or use protest behavior?
Hi Thais, thank so much for everything you are doing here! All of this info has literally changed my life for the better and I'm no longer living in a state of confusion anymore. I'm an FA. You talk alot about attraction minus fears = net output. I was wondering if it's ever the case that the greater the attraction to someone would cause greater the fear which would equal to total withdrawal from the person you are interested or attracted to? To the point of being in a state of limerence to that person? And what about someone you are not so much attracted to? Would that make for lesser fear which would equal being more comfortable to pursue a relationship because your not so scared to get hurt by this person because the attraction isn't as strong? Curious if this is the case for DAs as well? Anyone out there with insight to this?
@Globe Lights thanks for the insight! Glad to hear I'm not alone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I wonder how to get a grip on this as well. I also wonder if the said DA feels the same limerence for me or if it was completely one sided. Also I feel whether they are male or female makes a big difference. As a female I personally don't pursue men. I choose out of the ones who pursue me and only invest as much as is shown to me so I feel I don't have as much control over being with the ones I'm most attracted to.
I have had an FA cut me completely out, and does not even want to speak to me at all. Ran away within a day of agreeing to date me only to take up with another person that she was comfortable with. She broke up with him in less than 4 months. 30 years old and never married because her defense mechanism is to run when a real attachment triggers her fears (which overwhelm her) back to men she is comfortable with - and has no real attachment to.
@@ShawnFin thanks for the insight. When you say "the DA just feels nothing" do you mean that no matter how high the attraction level is, it doesn't affect the level of fear. That for DA's the level of fear is stable and fixed?
@Globe Lights if she is genuinely still attracted to you. And assuming you didn't do something drastic to hurt her, if you reach out consistently but not in a pushy needy way she will come back towards you. Like say how you feel and what you want to do to repair the relationship then give her space to make the choice to come back. If she's still into you she will. If she doesn't then you know she's over it. Usually FA's will leave finitely only when they are 💯 done and tend to drag things out long after a relationship should've been over.
there's a video Thais made about why the FA ends up choosing "safe" partners.
I’m in a relationship with a DA, I’m secure and she is willing to work on her attachment and is working on it!
She’s 60% DA 30% secure 10% FA
I’m 88% secure 12% DA (formally 70% Secure 30% AP).
I’m looking for more activating strategies for her! So far I’ve found that when we go to new places and new experiences it is very activating for her!
So we’ve been using this and it really ignites her, then when she returns home she will deactivate!
What are some strategies for her while she’s home to help her when she sees herself deactivating?
How did you get these percentages?!
@@mlong506 There is a quiz in the description box 💜
1:30
Does this have a correlation with being bipolar?
In rare cases, may be but always take a professional's help and avoid self-diagnosing :)
It correlates with borderline/C-PTSD/OSDD... in other words, with a history of childhood trauma.
Yes!
Too much selling... Scam