Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ______ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ______ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ______
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ______ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
yeah, seems like societies and individuals were in a total "action mode" for too long. Different crises with corona on top were a wake up call to engage in "reflecting mode" more. The materialistic race for wealth and power has reached its climax regarding the ratio of positive effects to negative effects in many nations worldwide.
Slow is fast - I like that, thanks for sharing. Healing is difficult work. It takes an incredible amount of patience and self-compassion. I just keep telling myself I'm worth it :)
That explains why at age 5-8? I felt intense shame internally, and I knew it was from my mother, and at the same time I knew it connected me to her. The shame was so heavy that when I looked around at the other children who were freely playing I felt very different from them. I then went on to believe I was so different that I didn't fit in with any other children, which resulting in my being unable to approach any children as possible friends. Now as an adult I still have intense shame and it shows up as Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is based on that shame that I received intrapsychically from my parent. But yeah, my internal connection to her when I was a child was totally a sense of full shame. ...When I feel shame I can say to it, "Hi mom, I see you are there but I don't need you anymore in this way".
Bill, I appreciate the supportive words. Thank you for the welcome back and for valuing my work. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
I grew up in a family with ten children. I was labelled the "emotional" one. Interestingly, I was also taking care of younger siblings, got straight A's, and started a babysitting service. My parents told me their problems. My father successful, was an alcoholic and abused my mother. My mother would say, "what are you so mad about?" It made me feel embarrassed, so i stopped. Many of my adult siblings follow this model. I truly understand this dynamic, this internalized shame wound. I got out of the system with distance. And, reparenting myself. Thank you!
I only recently realised that my entire life I have had difficulty with emotional regulation, that I have actual trauma, and that the way I deal with uncomfortable feelings is unhealthy and toxic, and only last year started my journey towards learning to self-heal. I was so excited when I found your videos, to learn so much about how t process and deal, and I am so happy to see that you are uploading again. Every video has been so insightful, it has just hit many things that I have been struggling with. The past few weeks has been quite difficult but this video has brought so much clarity. I really am grateful to you, I cannot imagine how much you have went through and how difficult it must have been trying to and finally succeeding in being able to clearly convey and translate such troubling emotions and trauma into words and ideas that can be understood by someone who may or may not have gone through similar feelings. I just wanted to say thank you so much for making these videos, you have reached so many people, and you have helped me so much without even knowing it.
Maybe this is a silly thing to pull out of this video but when you said the child wants to be Seen, known, understood, valued, and appreciated... I realized this is what I’ve been searching for as an adult. it’s what I would call being loved and it’s what I feel has been missing in every long term intimate relationship I’ve known.
There is so much wisdom and truth in this video. I would like to point out that unbalanced relationships, where one person mostly gives and the other mostly takes end up being draining and exhausting and that can lead to somatic illnesses like autoimune disease. I have discovered that I was surrounded by draining immature people incapable of a balanced relationship (various reasons - all traumatic). -- When it comes to becoming authentic and showing vulnerability - when I have tried to do this, the other person usually has taken it as a cue to preach, admonish act paternalistic, and act superior - so it seems that it is necessary to find safe people to be authentic with and it can be hard to find safe available people.
Its painful, it takes time, it's worth it... I've done the work. After 25 years I still feel pain and grief but the difference is that I can identify it and I can handle it. Thank you❤ for refreshing my memory. I realise I've done a great work. I'm proud of myself.
Good for you. I've also done decades of therapy work. But I wake up and I AM ME! And I am not changing. I don't need to. I really love myself. Sounds strange, not in a grandiose way, but in a healthy way. Therapy gives you your life back
Monika, thanks for taking that moment to reflect. I'm glad to hear that my video sparked this life review. I see your resilience. Thank you for letting me know this video was helpful. We talk more about grieving trauma bonds in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is so true, after work on myself, I do now realise that I do not want to relate in the way that my parents want to relate. I initiated a conversation to look at the dynamic and I have been shut down with immediate indignation and anger, shamed, labelled ungrateful, berated for hurting THEM. I am dealing with it a lot better than I would have years ago. I didn't want this but I am observing. I will be ok even if my family reject me. They were happy talking only about the weather and the garden. I think my parents would rather die than acknowledge how they scapegoated me and hurt me in my childhood and teens and 20s. .
This all makes sense to me and it has hit a deep spot in me......living with a deep sense of shame can be soul destroying..........my other consuming emotion with shame I get as I realise things about myself being in this exact spot with my parents/sister ( Primarily my mother).....is of tremendous guilt .......guilt that I’m making a huge deal out of things that happened to my sister and I as children that I should be over by now ......my mother physically abused us ( we saw it as normal back then) and was emotionally cold and unavailable , suffered depression and seemed always unhappy........at 44 I have what you call a habitual relationship with my family ....it feels like a stunted/immature .......emotional connection / development ....... my sister however has developed an emotionally mature relationship with our parents.......she is 16 months younger and practically orchestrates the family when we all have to connect as family.......it frightens the shit out me to change this dynamic because what if I fail at trying not to feel like a failure........sorry if what I have written makes little sense.....I just needed to get this down somewhere.......I feel paralysed...😪but hopeful ....thank
This is Jennifer Sinclair. That is how my grandparents raised my mother. They were "there, not there". NO meaningful exchange ever, my mother was raised with massive SHAME. It kills my relationship with her today. Kills it. I despise my mother's "perfectly happy" depression and gaslighting dishonesty and blame shifting. So dishonest with me and with herself. When my grandmother died, my mother wouldn't even tell her that she loved my grandmother. Even though she felt it, she just COULDN'T GET HERSELF TO SAY IT. She couldn't tell her dying mother that she loved her.
Hi Alan, your videos always add a lot of clarity to these subjects. I relate with the [double bind, catch 22, damned if u do or don't, devil and sea, rock and a hard place] description. There seem to be 2 options: To transform your primary relationships (with parents) ----or---- create new relationships that give you a much healthier identity That is where I find it has become a devil and sea issue for me. I feel compassion for parents and I can see it is an inter-generational thing and that they are clinging to their narrow role identities and ideas and are stuck in other compulsive escapes/routines day after day. But transforming them is extremely hard when they are still completely in denial. They do nothing themselves, and whatever little change only happens through my brute force. It has taken me years to make some improvement but it is still a far cry from what I truly need or desire. The other option of going out in the world and forging new relationships is in my experience even more daunting. Because here at least you are working off the inheritance. Where is one to go to find a mother/father replacement in the general society? It is imo even harder than working off the wastelands of the parental relationship ( I don't know). As a temp workaround I have reversed the roles. Since we only interact/connect through shame, I now shame them for being ignorant instead of them doing that to me, and that keeps the connection. I thought my shaming would make them feel guilty and work on themselves, but it seems to be counterproductive too, and mostly makes them resent me and create more offense/defenses. My real intent however is like what you shared in the video. I don't want to lose the connection, but without shame it is impossible to relate to them. How can I get them to see the magnitude of their wasteland and start working on honesty? After years they are still mostly in denial and have still not yet taken 'responsibility'. They are just not ready and it would take eons I suppose. I am owning my childhood desert wasteland of shame/neglect/abuse and profoundly unmet needs for belonging/connection/stable attachment, but getting my needs satisfied is super hard. The outside society and world is all superficial/utilitarian or like a competition/contest/fighting ring - all kinds of transactional quid pro quo relations. And I seriously don't mind that too, but the issue is, most of it is a deep mess of subconscious expectations/patterns etc. from both sides. To sort through that and get my needs met, often involves me fixing them first, so that they can fix me. It mostly involves me making them connect to themselves first, before they can then connect to me and then fulfill my need for connection. Also most connections with friends etc. are mostly touch and go, empty in a way, and do not really give me the stability and deep understanding I wish for. I am exploring the possibility of just living alone like a hermit, and achieving the dream of total self-sufficiency. But it seems like a war against evolutionary programming in my brain that craves for connection/bonding. I almost shame/suppress/repress that part of me because it is too painful to own, and I am too hopeless desparish about how to satisfy it in the conditions present around me. Just a 100kg cross of unfulfillment that crushes me and paralyzes me. Existentially speaking, I guess if your family is wrecked, your whole life becomes a desert of seeking. Wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. If you read this far, thanks a lot. Hope its not too long. Let me know your opinion.
Hi, thanks for sharing. Since i can remember i suffered from anxiety attacks. Only recently i progressed that far in my process, that i realized some of them are rather shame attacks. From my understanding this is conditioning from childhood. Like Alan says in the video shame was probably a good portion of the glue, that held me and my mother together. I never thought about reversing that and shame back, because i see it in analogy to monetary debt. And i have no idea for how long that debt is runnning in the family. I decided to never have kids, so i'm not tempted to pass this emotional lack/debt on. Either i can learn to love and being loved unconditionaly or this debt spiral will end with me. Hope i expressed myself intelligibly. English isn't my native language. Watched most self help stuff in english though. Maybe i now can tell my problems better in english than in german. good luck for your healing journey. cheers
I think you are missing the point here. Here's a hint: it's not about controlling other people. And here's a tip for you, gratis: friends are the family that you pick.
Seriously eye opening. Carrying the introject. Recalibrating expectations. Transitioning into adult-adult relating... rewriting.. or realizing for a life time that I may not actually want to be in relationship with my parents once I get to know them as adults and not as parents. It's still integrating. Powerful stuff.
Alan, thank you so much! This is exactly where I am. I became aware of my childhood trauma and I've been recovering. This is the "funeral" moment. It is time to embrace my inner child and leave my "parents" in the past, which is the place where they really belong. It's about time to spread my wings and fly. I'm no longer a "shaggy chicken".
Twenty-four journals and counting, and letting go of what my child-self thought was a “close” family. Enmeshment and trauma bonding, is NOT intimacy. Hard lessons to learn, and I’m grateful to have developed the mind and body connection to do this deep, internal work. Thank you, thank you.
Good you value learning. Glad to see you connected with this video. You have great insight. We can't talk enough about unpacking these dynamics. Thanks for commenting. If you haven't already heard about it, based on your comment, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course takes a deeper dive into these dynamics.
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist You are so welcome! You have no idea… Wait a minute you have every idea what it’s like to finally find somebody who gets to you. It’s like the best thing in the whole world man
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma You are so very wise & knowledgeable! I guess from going through tough stuff but also because it seems of your curiosity of wanting to understand how & why these relationships work or don’t work but commit to sharing this priceless knowledge with US! Thank YOU❤️
Because of you and your gift of sharing important information I am alive today. I felt so unheard and so blamed for the trauma s in my life. I never could find some one one who sees the truth of situation s until I found your page.
Mohamed, thanks for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Thank you for all of your very hard work putting this video together for all to share and learn from. I wanted to cry my eyes out with this one and it was so helpful for me to realize just where my wound was coming from. You explained it completely for me and I am grateful. I never was able to completely give up on my parents, but I did stay less connected with so much guilt. I was okay because knowing what I know now, my mother wasn't able to really give what she didn't have or never got herself, so I don't think it much bothered her that I wasn't around that much. It is all so difficult to know that you carried all of this pain around for so long. I'm 60 and I have come into more pain with an on and off again relationship with a sibling that is displaying many unhealthy traits concerning our relationship. It feels all too familiar to me and had to go No Contact due to years of hoping it was going to be better and that some day she would see the light and be able to share of herself in a healthy way. It took me a very long time to let it all sink in that she was not able to change to meet me at a better place. I always knew things were not right, but I kept trying to explain or whatever I could do to make myself feel that it was all okay. Well, it's not okay for me anymore. I can't meet her where she needs me to be in order for a relationship and she is not able to meet me where I need her to be. I had to let go and now, I hope I can grow more and heal from it all. I still have so much pain and guilt, but I know it will never be a happy ending for us. Her pain is so deep and the denial she lives in is the only way she can manage to survive in her own world. It all breaks my heart, but it is time for me to let it all go and not carry the guilt or shame of not being good enough. I know I am good enough. It is not my fault that I was born into a home that wasn't able to love me the way I should have been loved and I am now ready to get busy loving myself more each day. This was so helpful to hear this today and I am so glad that I stumbled across it and decided to give a listen to it. Peace.
this really cut to the core! its like you described my last 41 years on this earth! much appreciated and greatfull. i could resonate in your talk how painful and difficult this topic is yet you still managed to articulate it in a way that the listener could resonate, reflect and use in their own healing journey. you have a great skill and a gift.
A genius!!! Wow. Thank you. Your comment is appreciated. Thanks for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I’m actually curious about doing a one on one via zoom. Is it still available? Genius yes, the Jordan Peterson of attachment trauma. My opinion.
This is Jennifer Sinclair. Alan is my best friend!!! .......No, he and I have never met,....no, he has no idea who I am (I am in his special online Community though), but I enjoy listening to Alan Robarge more than ANYBODY ELSE as I wind down and rest!! Everyone else can wait - I have a date with Alan (on my phone)!
The way you are emotionally moved by the things you are talking about really makes your message hit so much deeper for me. Self help videos can so often feel like just someone teaching information, but you share healing that you've lived through and continue to live through. It's such a unique and beautiful thing that you share your own journey and how deeply it affects you. Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
I left my family when I was 18. They were Jehowahs Witnesses. I had 2 sisters and my mom and dad still in it. My mother had called me a liar and not to be trusted since I was a kid. That shame bonding she did in front of my sisters. So especially my little sister adapted this way of thinking of me. So that part I have let go of. But then when I left it was a great shame to the family. Especially my mother. So if I ever talked to her you can hear the guilt she tries to put on you for leaving. Implying that it's not to late to come back. I know that I can't do anything about it but I have never thought of that it gives me a safety bond to think about or be aware of that shame in some kind of twisted form of feeling cared for. This is mind boggling to me. Really interesting thank you.
Oh...I can relate to you so much. Similar journey here for me, yet I left JW much later than you, when I was 32. I have been in therapy for the last 3 years, it helped me a big deal. Now I am ready to take further therapeutical steps and will start family constellations therapy and also the EMDR. My anxiety, guilt, shame and high stress level caused by years of trauma develops severe somatic symptoms and I struggle teribbly with my health. At the moment I had to take a break from everything and am going to be hospitalized tomorrow. Every doctor I meet tells me the same - as long as I don’t free myself from the vicious circle of blame and burden of the past, I will be chronically ill. Love and peace to you, keep going, the journey and efforts are worth it ❤️🤗
Individualization feels like an insult to some people, who are not fulfilled themself. Heard Jordan Peterson in a video talk about that. Forgot to which known psychologist he referred to though. Maybe Carl Rogers or Jung. Religious dogma is maybe an indicator for unfulfilled people. I come from a non-religious family though, but individualization was still seen as an insult to my mother. I have no final proof, but the stories and problems i heard in the self help community and from specialists about narcissistic disordered parents were an eye-opener. It was like they knew how i had grown up.
There's no shame quite like religious shame. First we're taught that we're BORN bad, just bad to the core, and then furthermore we can't trust our own intuition, feelings, or reasoning because they're "fallen" and "sinful." Where can you go with that, except uncritical acceptance of authority and cultish codependency?
@@MegaWinnetou you can do it. Very slowly for me I saw how little physical symptoms got reduced, then years later some physical pain wasn't there as much etc. All the while I was in therapy. Am I cured from all my problems, no, but they are greatly reduced. I have a friend that had similar thing. She started to deal with childhood physical abuse and had bad fibromyalgia, then after years of therapy her fibro has reduced to just some shoulder pain. The mental work needs to be done, grief etc, as he said in the video, but I believe a person's body can go through healing simultaneously. I wish you the best
Kathryn Tonelli Wow...you have no idea how your message feels to me now. Such a kick of hope and motivation! Really, thank you for taking time to write this, I am in second day of hospitalization and it is going ok so far. I am so thankful for your message, Kathryn! Yay, thank you🤗❤️☀️
Your videos are delivered in just such a warm, caring and empathetic way that they inspire courage to be proactive in healing work through the pain of the essential beneficial change. I discovered, and subscribed to your TH-cam videos in 2015, have been a fan ever since and have been working on myself following the realisation (when I suffered terrible trauma bond abuse in a romantic relationship and the death of my sister in 2018 ) that, on seeking counselling for my pain, I had been a codependent child within a whole toxically dysfunctional family system. I was a scapegoat who was intelligent/intuitive enough to realise when things were not healthy, speak out and was repeatedly punished for doing so. This ongoing family dynamic consequently, adversely affected every area of my life until 2015 when I discovered insight and information which helped me enormously. I am happy to say that slow, and consistently, your inspiration to firstly admit my part in the dysfunction of my life and to embrace the work I needed to do, it is paying off; I am now stronger, braver and much more self aware when relating; both in detecting when it is ok to be vulnerable and open and when it is best to either keep my distance or detach with love. I lay and hold boundaries without half as much anxiety as I once did and following this particular video, having done most of my healing work on my own through reading books, editorials, journalling, joining Facebook support groups etc, I think it is time that I consider becoming part of your community. Thank you for all the hard work that you put into helping others, I can confirm that it has been of immense help to me to motivate me to improve the quality of my life and for that I am truly grateful.
Hi Alan, I think you're the richest person from the inside in the world. Thank you so much for making these videos and thanks for sharing your richness with us.
Ting, thank you for the lovely, supportive words. I appreciate you letting me know you value my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution to support the continuation of the videos: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
It is so refreshing to focus on incredible content it is so deep,deepest that l have never sit and watch such a content for long time, l like that every word you said have exact point, it takes all of my experience back and it easy to connect to content and having all my questions answered.Though l think is very hard work for me to apply all this at once lm here to learn and l believe l will make it ..Thank you for the Platinum content
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
This was so informative and validating. I have been finding videos that validate what I have been figuring out on my own through journaling. Trying to find a new way of relating to my parents has been so difficult because I think I have enmeshment trauma, I lose myself when I am in any kind of relationship. Relating to anyone in a way that retains myself, almost feels like I'm killing myself, along with my relationships, off in order to create a new way of living and reestablishing relationships. I had a dream as a child that I accepted a ride with my friend's family. As I got in and the car started on the road I realized I was riding off to nowhere and would never be able to come back. I think it was my fear that if I made the wrong choice, I would be leaving all that I know and never be able to return. The dream felt viscerally horrible. I think that is how I feel when I try to live my life for me and not to please others.
Thank you so much for this precious insightful video. 🙏 Right on time for the confrontation I've been planning to do for days with a parent. But the shame-factor kicked in and pushed me to depression instead. Now I'm ready again, nothing to lose, only to win the chance for a better life. May the force be with you, anyone struggling / feeling stuck in the same shoes!
Eszter, I am glad you found this video at the right time for you! I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow this explains so much of how I felt and what I went through when I cut ties with my family. It did feel like a death of them and so many things, the grief was intense. I’m a few years out from it but healing is still ongoing. I subscribed and hope to hear more of what you know and learned.
Ouch. This is very deep and thank goodness for you 💛 Going through grief of losing my mom physically and am also grieving who she could not be for me. The way you tied it to shame is so spot on. I have so much compassion for my child self.
My empathy to you, these things can be difficult to navigate and can elicit some strong emotions. You may be interested in learning more about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I invite you to check out the quiz in the link below as an introduction to this topic. Thanks for watching and commenting. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Excellent insights! I have suggested to people who were traumatized by a parent, when discussing their parent, to refer to their parent by their parent’s first name to help them to view their parent more objectively.
I appreciate the kind words. I can tell you were engaged with this content. This is an important conversation that we need to keep having with others. So many of us can relate to struggling with this.
Hello there! I am also really glad to see your notification come up on my phone. I have learned SO much from you and sincerely appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom. Ive missed you!
Hi Jodi. Thank you for letting me know you appreciate my videos. I'm glad to hear they are helpful for you. Also thanks for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
You came up on my phone, this looks interesting, think I. Here comes the wow; wow! Thank you so much for this video, you spoke to my heart. My mum died not long ago without allowing me to say the words, my daughter tore me a new one several years ago, and my grand children are indifferent towards me at best. I'm so grateful for your words, especially the "no longer being wounded by that which we are not receiving" bit. Tears of course! I have two pages of notes and a lighter constitution, you've cheered me immensely and helped me get onto actively stepping into the grief again on the next level. Thankyou
Christina, thank you for the supportive feedback. Thank you for valuing my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Very insightful and helpful - growing up out of a bad parent-child relationship really does feel like death- it is a much more long drawn process than you expect.
Thank you for the supportive words and for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
This is an amazing explaination!!!! Thank you for how you delivered this information. I have had to grieve the mental funeral of my mother who scapegoated me and nurtured her brothers and sisters but not her only daughter, me. Thank you Alan.....you are cool!!!!
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Do you know how many times I re-watch your videos and wonder where you are?? :D Please, at least YOU, don't abandon us we all have abandonment trauma issues :D :D
Wow, this message is so much what I needed to hear right now... And you're right, this is SO painful. This is the place I'm at right this very moment. I'm clearly not the only one either. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, thank you SO very much!
Thank you for the support and for valuing my work. Yes, I'm glad we can bring awareness to these underlying mechanisms. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is what I'm always thinking.... so many of us have SO much work to do before we'd be safe and healthy enough parents. I hope more of us are growing more conscious about this and delaying becoming parents before we've fully explored our emotional life
@@penyarol83 If it takes you twenty years to get it all sorted and figure things out it may be too late by the time you feel ready. This is the tragedy of being raised in an abusive family. Learning all these things should be part of college curriculum so people can start sooner and prepare themselves for family life, if they chose to do so. Our society seems to have a vested interest in keeping people in the dark about these things because it is good for the economy. Traumatized people are power hungry, overly materialistic and highly addictive. They do not want us to wake up.
Thank you for the supportive words. I appreciate you letting me know my work is of value for you. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.
It’s clear to me my mom wanting me to be her beliefs, ideas and wishes for me and her is not working for my ultimate health and personal growth. I asked her to move out from MY HOME because I can see I’m setup for emotional torture and caretaking until her final breath with no regard to my life. It is a literal and figurative confrontation. I WILL no back down. I came across TH-cam comments I made about my “relationship” with my mom two years ago. It’s has not changed. It doesn’t change- the manipulations just get worse. I want to live for me, not her (my mother) and she wants me to live for me as long as I don’t forget taking care of her. No! Yes, I have died, but I’m coming back to life. “ I took a ride through our silence (silent treatment) and the moment has arrived for killing the past and come back to life.” Pink Floyd
Thanks for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
Rhiannon, thank you for reflecting back and for your supportive words. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful. Thanks for valuing my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful.
Thank you Alan. I had to cut-off my Dad and Step mom to protect myself and my children. They were so toxic. I was always truthful with my kids about their behavior. They saw it too. We stayed away from them. We lived our lives.
This sounds like it was a tough decision, but the right decision. My empathy goes out to you. Family dynamics are difficult to navigate, and when things are toxic, it can have a damaging impact on us. Please consider joining my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Here, people from all over come to discuss their experiences, attachment injuries, traumas, and it is a supportive place to explore, learn, grow, and heal from the wounds we have endured. It's not a therapy group, but it's a learning membership community. All of the members are kind and encouraging, and having a support system to talk through these things with can be so impactful. Consider joining in on the conversation and investing in the Self-Directed Healing Work that you deserve. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Such intense, immense info. I appreciate the great compassion you show towards yourself and show others in such hard work. The self discipline to create this video is very appreciated and I hope the whole wide world gets to view it. I want good relationships to rule the world.
Rebecca, Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
thanks for your reply! I have lots of moments where I go online and look for one of your videos to find help. Your so unique and I will be forever grateful for this content. Unfortunately, I'm a kindergarten teacher and my salary doesn't allow me to become a member of your community but maybe one day...Thanks again (:
Thank you for the kind, supportive comment. I am glad to hear that my videos are beneficial for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Alan, thank you from my heart, mind, body and soul. I’m sure this will change my life because it‘s true, not superficial work. The only way I can understand the few likes compared to what your brilliant perspective deserves is that most people want formulaic solutions. Trying to make the process fast only delays it; by contrast, your understanding sheds a whole new light from which real paths can be built. Thanks immensely.
This is such complex stuff. Brilliant! I see this play out in my relationships, with exes that have now become friends. Even beyond the romantic relationships with them, I feel the trauma bond. But how can you truly be friends without addressing that shame and the hurt that came from toxicity in that romantic relationship? It feels like time and energy that's not feasible if you're trying to actually move on from that old romantic relationship - you don't want to fall back into that same intimate space with the ex you loved for many years. And now you're trying to be friends and it's sad to think you might have to let them go, even just as friends.
Ilse, thank you for that welcome! If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
Shame = pushing a part of yourself away. When shame is an integral part of a relationship, it means you’re pushing parts of yourself away to maintain connection with someone else.
Great insights and reflections - especially the part about pushing parts of ourselves away to maintain connection with others. Well said. Thanks for reflecting on this video. You may also be interested in checking out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Deqa, thank you for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
Thank you for watching and for your kind words! Please consider spreading the word by sharing this video with someone that might need to hear it today.
Glad to hear this video offered clarity. Thanks for letting me know it was helpful. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Great you are back AR. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, understandings and compassion it is sincerely felt. All the best with this new appearance. Love the change of back drop It actually matches your shirt some how.
Tina, thanks for the supportive comment and the welcome back. I appreciate your reflections. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks again.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit. If you like the video then you may also like taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad you like this content. Yes, learning the art of relating is important. You may also find insight from the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Check out the quiz to learn more.
Thank you so much for making this information available. I’m halfway through and I’m grateful to have been suggested this video. Such a rich and eye opening dialogue here.
Flare, thank you for the supportive words. I'm glad to hear the video has been illuminating for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you want to continue the dialogue, we talk more about trauma bonding in relationships in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Glad this was helpful Jane. And thanks for the compliments. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you for the kind, supportive words Murray-Rose. I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in relationships in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Brandie, thanks for the supportive welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Profound and very important work very well articulated. Recalibrating my expectations in all of my relationships has become a daily practice and way of life. Thank you! ❤
Carole, thank you for the supportive comment. If you'd like to engage more or support the creation of these videos, consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Alan, you communicate these ideas SO well. Can you touch on two parents backing up each others' blind spots. So it's two against one (one, the adult child!)
Lindsay, thank you for the feedback. Also, thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Thanks Alan for sharing this and nailing it - this time nailing the big one, the huge monster at the end of the last level of the wierd world video game we have to defeat. This is what’s behind everything else I think and you dug it up for us.
Amazing. Your explanation made me aware that I know someone like this. They always feel not good enough for their parent, but to an extreme degree. The way you explained it makes soooo much sense!!! I love your videos:)
Thank you for sharing. I see you like to understand people more. Empathy is a good skill. Glad you like this video. Please tag a friend who might also benefit. Thanks again.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I also think it's in terms of my own understanding. Apparently I love to try to looking for meaning and understanding in these things. I think I've come across people who have shown signs of hurt, and have missed what was right there in my face. I would like to not miss it anymore :) Maybe I can help people one day :)
Thank you so much! I'm glad this resonated with you. If this information was beneficial for you, I recommend checking out my other resources - The Four Attachment Distress Responses course and the online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Both will help you work toward a better understanding of yourself so that you can learn, explore, grow, and heal. We all deserve the opportunity to do that. Course - www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Community - www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for those kind words, I appreciate that you value my work. If you found this video helpful, you might also be interested in my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So happy to see you back on TH-cam - yes I experienced all you talked about including the "death" of the relationship with my parent. The grief caused a breakdown but that was several years ago. Back on track in many ways but love to hear your insight and the way you share your compassion to people who have to experience the heartbreak of not having loving present parents .
JP, I am also glad to be back making more videos! Thanks for your comment. I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you! To be honest this happened seven years ago and I don't like to spend too much energy on the dysfunction of my family anymore. I watch these videos to stay up to speed on the topic and I am so happy to see professionals better understand how damaging the family can be, especially when society says family is everything. Bless you for your commitment to helping so many people overcome the trauma they experienced.
Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful and offered some grounding. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
______
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I feel like a lot of people are waking up to the full impact of the abuse they’ve gone through right now.
perhaps a group awakening! we heal together.
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist I think it must be so ❤️
The year 2020 has been the year of awakening
yeah, seems like societies and individuals were in a total "action mode" for too long. Different crises with corona on top were a wake up call to engage in "reflecting mode" more. The materialistic race for wealth and power has reached its climax regarding the ratio of positive effects to negative effects in many nations worldwide.
Omg...that is so true. I never even thought of that. I did awake now, as well
"Slow is Fast" when doing healing work - my mantra has been 'relax the nervous system.' Ongoing, re-evaluating, and appreciating every day.
I love this. Trying to learn this too.
Yep, disengage from the hectic life advertisement and corporations wants you to engage in. back to the simple things.
Slow is fast - I like that, thanks for sharing. Healing is difficult work. It takes an incredible amount of patience and self-compassion. I just keep telling myself I'm worth it :)
Fabulous.
Wow, I am glad you are back. I really needed to hear this. You are a great person and there is no one that puts out content like this.
Thank you for the positive feedback. Glad you like this one. Please share it with others.
That explains why at age 5-8? I felt intense shame internally, and I knew it was from my mother, and at the same time I knew it connected me to her. The shame was so heavy that when I looked around at the other children who were freely playing I felt very different from them. I then went on to believe I was so different that I didn't fit in with any other children, which resulting in my being unable to approach any children as possible friends. Now as an adult I still have intense shame and it shows up as Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is based on that shame that I received intrapsychically from my parent. But yeah, my internal connection to her when I was a child was totally a sense of full shame. ...When I feel shame I can say to it, "Hi mom, I see you are there but I don't need you anymore in this way".
HD ttfffw
Bill, I appreciate the supportive words. Thank you for the welcome back and for valuing my work. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
@@orangeziggy599 I relate to this. Be well.
I grew up in a family with ten children. I was labelled the "emotional" one. Interestingly, I was also taking care of younger siblings, got straight A's, and started a babysitting service. My parents told me their problems. My father successful, was an alcoholic and abused my mother.
My mother would say, "what are you so mad about?" It made me feel embarrassed, so i stopped. Many of my adult siblings follow this model.
I truly understand this dynamic, this internalized shame wound. I got out of the system with distance. And, reparenting myself. Thank you!
I only recently realised that my entire life I have had difficulty with emotional regulation, that I have actual trauma, and that the way I deal with uncomfortable feelings is unhealthy and toxic, and only last year started my journey towards learning to self-heal. I was so excited when I found your videos, to learn so much about how t process and deal, and I am so happy to see that you are uploading again. Every video has been so insightful, it has just hit many things that I have been struggling with. The past few weeks has been quite difficult but this video has brought so much clarity. I really am grateful to you, I cannot imagine how much you have went through and how difficult it must have been trying to and finally succeeding in being able to clearly convey and translate such troubling emotions and trauma into words and ideas that can be understood by someone who may or may not have gone through similar feelings. I just wanted to say thank you so much for making these videos, you have reached so many people, and you have helped me so much without even knowing it.
Yes
I’d like to
Thank Alan
T👀
Anyone who helps understand our complex trauma etc 💔
Maybe this is a silly thing to pull out of this video but when you said the child wants to be Seen, known, understood, valued, and appreciated... I realized this is what I’ve been searching for as an adult. it’s what I would call being loved and it’s what I feel has been missing in every long term intimate relationship I’ve known.
This is the only video I have watched that perfectly explained the relationship between traumatized people and their abusers.
Thanks for the feedback.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma
Yes!
This is what you helped me discover t👀❣️
💔😭
Thank YOU! Again! So MUCH in the grieving stage of this toxic relationship
There is so much wisdom and truth in this video. I would like to point out that unbalanced relationships, where one person mostly gives and the other mostly takes end up being draining and exhausting and that can lead to somatic illnesses like autoimune disease. I have discovered that I was surrounded by draining immature people incapable of a balanced relationship (various reasons - all traumatic). -- When it comes to becoming authentic and showing vulnerability - when I have tried to do this, the other person usually has taken it as a cue to preach, admonish act paternalistic, and act superior - so it seems that it is necessary to find safe people to be authentic with and it can be hard to find safe available people.
Cal, I am glad this video resonated with you.
Its painful, it takes time, it's worth it... I've done the work. After 25 years I still feel pain and grief but the difference is that I can identify it and I can handle it. Thank you❤ for refreshing my memory. I realise I've done a great work. I'm proud of myself.
Good for you. I've also done decades of therapy work. But I wake up and I AM ME! And I am not changing. I don't need to. I really love myself. Sounds strange, not in a grandiose way, but in a healthy way. Therapy gives you your life back
Monika, thanks for taking that moment to reflect. I'm glad to hear that my video sparked this life review. I see your resilience. Thank you for letting me know this video was helpful. We talk more about grieving trauma bonds in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Oh wow that pesticide analogy really made it understandable.
This is so true, after work on myself, I do now realise that I do not want to relate in the way that my parents want to relate. I initiated a conversation to look at the dynamic and I have been shut down with immediate indignation and anger, shamed, labelled ungrateful, berated for hurting THEM.
I am dealing with it a lot better than I would have years ago. I didn't want this but I am observing. I will be ok even if my family reject me. They were happy talking only about the weather and the garden. I think my parents would rather die than acknowledge how they scapegoated me and hurt me in my childhood and teens and 20s. .
Thank you for coming back! I’m sure I speak for many when I say you are needed and appreciated. You make pain partly bearable 🙏🏽💕
those are kind words. Thank you.
Southern Soul I second this
This all makes sense to me and it has hit a deep spot in me......living with a deep sense of shame can be soul destroying..........my other consuming emotion with shame I get as I realise things about myself being in this exact spot with my parents/sister ( Primarily my mother).....is of tremendous guilt .......guilt that I’m making a huge deal out of things that happened to my sister and I as children that I should be over by now ......my mother physically abused us ( we saw it as normal back then) and was emotionally cold and unavailable , suffered depression and seemed always unhappy........at 44 I have what you call a habitual relationship with my family ....it feels like a stunted/immature .......emotional connection / development ....... my sister however has developed an emotionally mature relationship with our parents.......she is 16 months younger and practically orchestrates the family when we all have to connect as family.......it frightens the shit out me to change this dynamic because what if I fail at trying not to feel like a failure........sorry if what I have written makes little sense.....I just needed to get this down somewhere.......I feel paralysed...😪but hopeful ....thank
This is Jennifer Sinclair. That is how my grandparents raised my mother. They were "there, not there". NO meaningful exchange ever, my mother was raised with massive SHAME. It kills my relationship with her today. Kills it. I despise my mother's "perfectly happy" depression and gaslighting dishonesty and blame shifting. So dishonest with me and with herself. When my grandmother died, my mother wouldn't even tell her that she loved my grandmother. Even though she felt it, she just COULDN'T GET HERSELF TO SAY IT. She couldn't tell her dying mother that she loved her.
Hi Alan, your videos always add a lot of clarity to these subjects.
I relate with the [double bind, catch 22, damned if u do or don't, devil and sea, rock and a hard place] description.
There seem to be 2 options:
To transform your primary relationships (with parents) ----or---- create new relationships that give you a much healthier identity
That is where I find it has become a devil and sea issue for me.
I feel compassion for parents and I can see it is an inter-generational thing and that they are clinging to their narrow role identities and ideas and are stuck in other compulsive escapes/routines day after day.
But transforming them is extremely hard when they are still completely in denial. They do nothing themselves, and whatever little change only happens through my brute force. It has taken me years to make some improvement but it is still a far cry from what I truly need or desire.
The other option of going out in the world and forging new relationships is in my experience even more daunting.
Because here at least you are working off the inheritance.
Where is one to go to find a mother/father replacement in the general society?
It is imo even harder than working off the wastelands of the parental relationship ( I don't know).
As a temp workaround I have reversed the roles.
Since we only interact/connect through shame, I now shame them for being ignorant instead of them doing that to me, and that keeps the connection.
I thought my shaming would make them feel guilty and work on themselves, but it seems to be counterproductive too, and mostly makes them resent me and create more offense/defenses.
My real intent however is like what you shared in the video. I don't want to lose the connection, but without shame it is impossible to relate to them. How can I get them to see the magnitude of their wasteland and start working on honesty?
After years they are still mostly in denial and have still not yet taken 'responsibility'.
They are just not ready and it would take eons I suppose.
I am owning my childhood desert wasteland of shame/neglect/abuse and profoundly unmet needs for belonging/connection/stable attachment, but getting my needs satisfied is super hard.
The outside society and world is all superficial/utilitarian or like a competition/contest/fighting ring - all kinds of transactional quid pro quo relations. And I seriously don't mind that too, but the issue is, most of it is a deep mess of subconscious expectations/patterns etc. from both sides. To sort through that and get my needs met, often involves me fixing them first, so that they can fix me. It mostly involves me making them connect to themselves first, before they can then connect to me and then fulfill my need for connection. Also most connections with friends etc. are mostly touch and go, empty in a way, and do not really give me the stability and deep understanding I wish for.
I am exploring the possibility of just living alone like a hermit, and achieving the dream of total self-sufficiency.
But it seems like a war against evolutionary programming in my brain that craves for connection/bonding.
I almost shame/suppress/repress that part of me because it is too painful to own, and I am too hopeless desparish about how to satisfy it in the conditions present around me. Just a 100kg cross of unfulfillment that crushes me and paralyzes me.
Existentially speaking, I guess if your family is wrecked, your whole life becomes a desert of seeking.
Wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.
If you read this far, thanks a lot. Hope its not too long.
Let me know your opinion.
I am with you my friend....exact same situation here
Hi, thanks for sharing. Since i can remember i suffered from anxiety attacks. Only recently i progressed that far in my process, that i realized some of them are rather shame attacks. From my understanding this is conditioning from childhood. Like Alan says in the video shame was probably a good portion of the glue, that held me and my mother together. I never thought about reversing that and shame back, because i see it in analogy to monetary debt. And i have no idea for how long that debt is runnning in the family. I decided to never have kids, so i'm not tempted to pass this emotional lack/debt on. Either i can learn to love and being loved unconditionaly or this debt spiral will end with me.
Hope i expressed myself intelligibly. English isn't my native language. Watched most self help stuff in english though. Maybe i now can tell my problems better in english than in german.
good luck for your healing journey. cheers
@@lianab284 same here. Feels like the ultimate conundrum.
I think you are missing the point here. Here's a hint: it's not about controlling other people. And here's a tip for you, gratis: friends are the family that you pick.
Seriously eye opening. Carrying the introject. Recalibrating expectations. Transitioning into adult-adult relating... rewriting.. or realizing for a life time that I may not actually want to be in relationship with my parents once I get to know them as adults and not as parents. It's still integrating. Powerful stuff.
Alan, thank you so much! This is exactly where I am. I became aware of my childhood trauma and I've been recovering. This is the "funeral" moment. It is time to embrace my inner child and leave my "parents" in the past, which is the place where they really belong. It's about time to spread my wings and fly. I'm no longer a "shaggy chicken".
Yes experiencing the pain without being re wounded. Brilliant
Twenty-four journals and counting, and letting go of what my child-self thought was a “close” family.
Enmeshment and trauma bonding, is NOT intimacy.
Hard lessons to learn, and I’m grateful to have developed the mind and body connection to do this deep, internal work.
Thank you, thank you.
Good you value learning. Glad to see you connected with this video. You have great insight. We can't talk enough about unpacking these dynamics. Thanks for commenting.
If you haven't already heard about it, based on your comment, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course takes a deeper dive into these dynamics.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma
Thank you so much for the suggestion. I will check out your course. Thank you so much for providing this content.
Glad you like the content. You're welcome.
I’ve missed you. You have an understanding of me like we are the same
thanks for the encouragement. it's good there are some of us who get it.
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist You are so welcome! You have no idea… Wait a minute you have every idea what it’s like to finally find somebody who gets to you. It’s like the best thing in the whole world man
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma
You are so very wise & knowledgeable! I guess from going through tough stuff but also because it seems of your curiosity of wanting to understand how & why these relationships work or don’t work but commit to sharing this priceless knowledge with US!
Thank YOU❤️
Because of you and your gift of sharing important information I am alive today. I felt so unheard and so blamed for the trauma s in my life. I never could find some one one who sees the truth of situation s until I found your page.
happy to see u again on youtube sir
Mohamed, thanks for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Thank you for all of your very hard work putting this video together for all to share and learn from. I wanted to cry my eyes out with this one and it was so helpful for me to realize just where my wound was coming from. You explained it completely for me and I am grateful. I never was able to completely give up on my parents, but I did stay less connected with so much guilt. I was okay because knowing what I know now, my mother wasn't able to really give what she didn't have or never got herself, so I don't think it much bothered her that I wasn't around that much. It is all so difficult to know that you carried all of this pain around for so long. I'm 60 and I have come into more pain with an on and off again relationship with a sibling that is displaying many unhealthy traits concerning our relationship. It feels all too familiar to me and had to go No Contact due to years of hoping it was going to be better and that some day she would see the light and be able to share of herself in a healthy way. It took me a very long time to let it all sink in that she was not able to change to meet me at a better place. I always knew things were not right, but I kept trying to explain or whatever I could do to make myself feel that it was all okay. Well, it's not okay for me anymore. I can't meet her where she needs me to be in order for a relationship and she is not able to meet me where I need her to be. I had to let go and now, I hope I can grow more and heal from it all. I still have so much pain and guilt, but I know it will never be a happy ending for us. Her pain is so deep and the denial she lives in is the only way she can manage to survive in her own world. It all breaks my heart, but it is time for me to let it all go and not carry the guilt or shame of not being good enough. I know I am good enough. It is not my fault that I was born into a home that wasn't able to love me the way I should have been loved and I am now ready to get busy loving myself more each day.
This was so helpful to hear this today and I am so glad that I stumbled across it and decided to give a listen to it. Peace.
I would love new parents, I think I could heal with new parents.
this really cut to the core! its like you described my last 41 years on this earth! much appreciated and greatfull. i could resonate in your talk how painful and difficult this topic is yet you still managed to articulate it in a way that the listener could resonate, reflect and use in their own healing journey. you have a great skill and a gift.
Dudes a genius! Like I dunno what he’s been through but LORD he’s brilliant.
A genius!!! Wow. Thank you. Your comment is appreciated. Thanks for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
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Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I’m actually curious about doing a one on one via zoom. Is it still available? Genius yes, the Jordan Peterson of attachment trauma. My opinion.
Hello again. Thank you for your interest in working with me. For all info about that, please visit www.alanrobarge.com/counseling
This is Jennifer Sinclair. Alan is my best friend!!! .......No, he and I have never met,....no, he has no idea who I am (I am in his special online Community though), but I enjoy listening to Alan Robarge more than ANYBODY ELSE as I wind down and rest!! Everyone else can wait - I have a date with Alan (on my phone)!
The way you are emotionally moved by the things you are talking about really makes your message hit so much deeper for me. Self help videos can so often feel like just someone teaching information, but you share healing that you've lived through and continue to live through. It's such a unique and beautiful thing that you share your own journey and how deeply it affects you. Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
I left my family when I was 18. They were Jehowahs Witnesses. I had 2 sisters and my mom and dad still in it. My mother had called me a liar and not to be trusted since I was a kid. That shame bonding she did in front of my sisters. So especially my little sister adapted this way of thinking of me. So that part I have let go of. But then when I left it was a great shame to the family. Especially my mother. So if I ever talked to her you can hear the guilt she tries to put on you for leaving. Implying that it's not to late to come back. I know that I can't do anything about it but I have never thought of that it gives me a safety bond to think about or be aware of that shame in some kind of twisted form of feeling cared for. This is mind boggling to me. Really interesting thank you.
Oh...I can relate to you so much. Similar journey here for me, yet I left JW much later than you, when I was 32. I have been in therapy for the last 3 years, it helped me a big deal. Now I am ready to take further therapeutical steps and will start family constellations therapy and also the EMDR. My anxiety, guilt, shame and high stress level caused by years of trauma develops severe somatic symptoms and I struggle teribbly with my health. At the moment I had to take a break from everything and am going to be hospitalized tomorrow. Every doctor I meet tells me the same - as long as I don’t free myself from the vicious circle of blame and burden of the past, I will be chronically ill. Love and peace to you, keep going, the journey and efforts are worth it ❤️🤗
Individualization feels like an insult to some people, who are not fulfilled themself. Heard Jordan Peterson in a video talk about that. Forgot to which known psychologist he referred to though. Maybe Carl Rogers or Jung.
Religious dogma is maybe an indicator for unfulfilled people. I come from a non-religious family though, but individualization was still seen as an insult to my mother. I have no final proof, but the stories and problems i heard in the self help community and from specialists about narcissistic disordered parents were an eye-opener. It was like they knew how i had grown up.
There's no shame quite like religious shame. First we're taught that we're BORN bad, just bad to the core, and then furthermore we can't trust our own intuition, feelings, or reasoning because they're "fallen" and "sinful." Where can you go with that, except uncritical acceptance of authority and cultish codependency?
@@MegaWinnetou you can do it. Very slowly for me I saw how little physical symptoms got reduced, then years later some physical pain wasn't there as much etc. All the while I was in therapy. Am I cured from all my problems, no, but they are greatly reduced. I have a friend that had similar thing. She started to deal with childhood physical abuse and had bad fibromyalgia, then after years of therapy her fibro has reduced to just some shoulder pain. The mental work needs to be done, grief etc, as he said in the video, but I believe a person's body can go through healing simultaneously. I wish you the best
Kathryn Tonelli Wow...you have no idea how your message feels to me now. Such a kick of hope and motivation! Really, thank you for taking time to write this, I am in second day of hospitalization and it is going ok so far. I am so thankful for your message, Kathryn! Yay, thank you🤗❤️☀️
Your videos are delivered in just such a warm, caring and empathetic way that they inspire courage to be proactive in healing work through the pain of the essential beneficial change. I discovered, and subscribed to your TH-cam videos in 2015, have been a fan ever since and have been working on myself following the realisation (when I suffered terrible trauma bond abuse in a romantic relationship and the death of my sister in 2018 ) that, on seeking counselling for my pain, I had been a codependent child within a whole toxically dysfunctional family system. I was a scapegoat who was intelligent/intuitive enough to realise when things were not healthy, speak out and was repeatedly punished for doing so. This ongoing family dynamic consequently, adversely affected every area of my life until 2015 when I discovered insight and information which helped me enormously. I am happy to say that slow, and consistently, your inspiration to firstly admit my part in the dysfunction of my life and to embrace the work I needed to do, it is paying off; I am now stronger, braver and much more self aware when relating; both in detecting when it is ok to be vulnerable and open and when it is best to either keep my distance or detach with love. I lay and hold boundaries without half as much anxiety as I once did and following this particular video, having done most of my healing work on my own through reading books, editorials, journalling, joining Facebook support groups etc, I think it is time that I consider becoming part of your community. Thank you for all the hard work that you put into helping others, I can confirm that it has been of immense help to me to motivate me to improve the quality of my life and for that I am truly grateful.
Hi Alan, I think you're the richest person from the inside in the world. Thank you so much for making these videos and thanks for sharing your richness with us.
Ting, thank you for the lovely, supportive words. I appreciate you letting me know you value my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution to support the continuation of the videos: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
It is so refreshing to focus on incredible content it is so deep,deepest that l have never sit and watch such a content for long time, l like that every word you said have exact point, it takes all of my experience back and it easy to connect to content and having all my questions answered.Though l think is very hard work for me to apply all this at once lm here to learn and l believe l will make it ..Thank you for the Platinum content
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
This was so informative and validating. I have been finding videos that validate what I have been figuring out on my own through journaling. Trying to find a new way of relating to my parents has been so difficult because I think I have enmeshment trauma, I lose myself when I am in any kind of relationship. Relating to anyone in a way that retains myself, almost feels like I'm killing myself, along with my relationships, off in order to create a new way of living and reestablishing relationships.
I had a dream as a child that I accepted a ride with my friend's family. As I got in and the car started on the road I realized I was riding off to nowhere and would never be able to come back. I think it was my fear that if I made the wrong choice, I would be leaving all that I know and never be able to return. The dream felt viscerally horrible. I think that is how I feel when I try to live my life for me and not to please others.
Thank you so much for this precious insightful video. 🙏 Right on time for the confrontation I've been planning to do for days with a parent. But the shame-factor kicked in and pushed me to depression instead. Now I'm ready again, nothing to lose, only to win the chance for a better life. May the force be with you, anyone struggling / feeling stuck in the same shoes!
Eszter, I am glad you found this video at the right time for you! I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow this explains so much of how I felt and what I went through when I cut ties with my family. It did feel like a death of them and so many things, the grief was intense. I’m a few years out from it but healing is still ongoing. I subscribed and hope to hear more of what you know and learned.
Ouch. This is very deep and thank goodness for you 💛
Going through grief of losing my mom physically and am also grieving who she could not be for me. The way you tied it to shame is so spot on. I have so much compassion for my child self.
My empathy to you, these things can be difficult to navigate and can elicit some strong emotions. You may be interested in learning more about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I invite you to check out the quiz in the link below as an introduction to this topic. Thanks for watching and commenting.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Excellent insights!
I have suggested to people who were traumatized by a parent, when discussing their parent, to refer to their parent by their parent’s first name to help them to view their parent more objectively.
I appreciate the kind words. I can tell you were engaged with this content. This is an important conversation that we need to keep having with others. So many of us can relate to struggling with this.
Hello there! I am also really glad to see your notification come up on my phone. I have learned SO much from you and sincerely appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom. Ive missed you!
Hi Jodi. Thank you for letting me know you appreciate my videos. I'm glad to hear they are helpful for you. Also thanks for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
You came up on my phone, this looks interesting, think I. Here comes the wow; wow! Thank you so much for this video, you spoke to my heart. My mum died not long ago without allowing me to say the words, my daughter tore me a new one several years ago, and my grand children are indifferent towards me at best. I'm so grateful for your words, especially the "no longer being wounded by that which we are not receiving" bit. Tears of course! I have two pages of notes and a lighter constitution, you've cheered me immensely and helped me get onto actively stepping into the grief again on the next level. Thankyou
Thank You! Your teaching is unique, full of compassion and insight. Bless You.
Christina, thank you for the supportive feedback. Thank you for valuing my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Very insightful and helpful - growing up out of a bad parent-child relationship really does feel like death- it is a much more long drawn process than you expect.
Yes, it's a death and it's very painful. I give myself a second change, a rebirth. Welcome back Alan! Thank you for your profound insights!
So profound, so articulate. I have missed your TH-cam presence. Thank you, Alan.
Thank you for the supportive words and for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
This is an amazing explaination!!!! Thank you for how you delivered this information. I have had to grieve the mental funeral of my mother who scapegoated me and nurtured her brothers and sisters but not her only daughter, me. Thank you Alan.....you are cool!!!!
Wow!!! Welcome back!!!!
thank you
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Do you know how many times I re-watch your videos and wonder where you are?? :D Please, at least YOU, don't abandon us we all have abandonment trauma issues :D :D
Wow, this message is so much what I needed to hear right now... And you're right, this is SO painful. This is the place I'm at right this very moment. I'm clearly not the only one either. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, thank you SO very much!
Thankyou so much! The content you put out is so valuable! Especially explaining the mechanisms underlying these concepts, is HUGE!
Yes thank you very much this is extremely valuable you explain it so well and yes I am ready to sever my relationship with that parent
Thank you for the support and for valuing my work. Yes, I'm glad we can bring awareness to these underlying mechanisms. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
shame and guilt.... people, please stop having children, you mess them up for life
This is what I'm always thinking.... so many of us have SO much work to do before we'd be safe and healthy enough parents. I hope more of us are growing more conscious about this and delaying becoming parents before we've fully explored our emotional life
@@penyarol83 If it takes you twenty years to get it all sorted and figure things out it may be too late by the time you feel ready. This is the tragedy of being raised in an abusive family. Learning all these things should be part of college curriculum so people can start sooner and prepare themselves for family life, if they chose to do so. Our society seems to have a vested interest in keeping people in the dark about these things because it is good for the economy. Traumatized people are power hungry, overly materialistic and highly addictive. They do not want us to wake up.
@@michaeljensen4650 Bullseye 🎯
Alan Robarge- Empath of ALL Empaths... what a brilliant mind and beautiful Spirit you have! Thank you - Thank you - Thank you for setting us Free🙏🏻
Thank you for the supportive words. I appreciate you letting me know my work is of value for you. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again.
Mind BLOWN and yet I know exactly what you're talking about. And thank you for your very compassionate and sensitive way of relaying the information.
Glad this spoke to you. Thanks for valuing my efforts to deliver quality content.
It’s clear to me my mom wanting me to be her beliefs, ideas and wishes for me and her is not working for my ultimate health and personal growth. I asked her to move out from MY HOME because I can see I’m setup for emotional torture and caretaking until her final breath with no regard to my life. It is a literal and figurative confrontation. I WILL no back down. I came across TH-cam comments I made about my “relationship” with my mom two years ago. It’s has not changed. It doesn’t change- the manipulations just get worse. I want to live for me, not her (my mother) and she wants me to live for me as long as I don’t forget taking care of her. No! Yes, I have died, but I’m coming back to life.
“ I took a ride through our silence (silent treatment) and the moment has arrived for killing the past and come back to life.” Pink Floyd
you are back. hurray!!
Alan this given me a lot to think about I am estranged from both my mother and my daughter and have CPTSD. The pain is real.😢
I'm so happy to see that you are back! Your wisdom is remarkable. I hope to see more of you, please
Thanks for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
You are brilliant, thank you for pouring yourself into these videos. It is so meaningful to hear myself reflected back by you
Rhiannon, thank you for reflecting back and for your supportive words. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful. Thanks for valuing my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful.
Thank you Alan. I had to cut-off my Dad and Step mom to protect myself and my children. They were so toxic. I was always truthful with my kids about their behavior. They saw it too. We stayed away from them. We lived our lives.
This sounds like it was a tough decision, but the right decision. My empathy goes out to you. Family dynamics are difficult to navigate, and when things are toxic, it can have a damaging impact on us.
Please consider joining my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Here, people from all over come to discuss their experiences, attachment injuries, traumas, and it is a supportive place to explore, learn, grow, and heal from the wounds we have endured. It's not a therapy group, but it's a learning membership community. All of the members are kind and encouraging, and having a support system to talk through these things with can be so impactful. Consider joining in on the conversation and investing in the Self-Directed Healing Work that you deserve. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are the best online psychology expert helper healer friend I've found on TH-cam. So much gratitude, thank you ❤️
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for the positivity.
Such intense, immense info. I appreciate the great compassion you show towards yourself and show others in such hard work. The self discipline to create this video is very appreciated and I hope the whole wide world gets to view it. I want good relationships to rule the world.
Thank you so much for all this inspiring and healing content you upload for free. Keep up the great work. Greetings from Germany.
Rebecca, Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
thanks for your reply! I have lots of moments where I go online and look for one of your videos to find help. Your so unique and I will be forever grateful for this content. Unfortunately, I'm a kindergarten teacher and my salary doesn't allow me to become a member of your community but maybe one day...Thanks again (:
Alan! What a joy to see you back on You Tube! I've missed you!
Your work is so very important to me and many others, I'm sure. Thanks for doing it and healing the world.
Thank you for the kind, supportive comment. I am glad to hear that my videos are beneficial for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Alan, thank you from my heart, mind, body and soul. I’m sure this will change my life because it‘s true, not superficial work. The only way I can understand the few likes compared to what your brilliant perspective deserves is that most people want formulaic solutions. Trying to make the process fast only delays it; by contrast, your understanding sheds a whole new light from which real paths can be built. Thanks immensely.
This is such complex stuff. Brilliant! I see this play out in my relationships, with exes that have now become friends. Even beyond the romantic relationships with them, I feel the trauma bond. But how can you truly be friends without addressing that shame and the hurt that came from toxicity in that romantic relationship? It feels like time and energy that's not feasible if you're trying to actually move on from that old romantic relationship - you don't want to fall back into that same intimate space with the ex you loved for many years. And now you're trying to be friends and it's sad to think you might have to let them go, even just as friends.
So good to have you back Alan ☺️ Thank you for all the wisdom that you share and for teaching us to better ourselves
YOU'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!! Alan we missed you so much!!!
Ilse, thank you for that welcome! If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
Shame = pushing a part of yourself away. When shame is an integral part of a relationship, it means you’re pushing parts of yourself away to maintain connection with someone else.
Great insights and reflections - especially the part about pushing parts of ourselves away to maintain connection with others. Well said. Thanks for reflecting on this video. You may also be interested in checking out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Good to see you uploading new content! This is a quality channel sir!
Alan you are back! Welcome back to youtube. You have been missed.
Deqa, thank you for the welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
Good to see you back, Alan. Your content and content like it has totally changed my life in the past year. Thank you so much.
Just to add -- great production values in this video! Thank you for posting this, AR!
Alan, you are so lovingly brilliant in dissecting this unfortunate legacy. Thank you so much 🎁😇🙏
Thank you for watching and for your kind words! Please consider spreading the word by sharing this video with someone that might need to hear it today.
I always felt this intuivley but couldn't explain it. Thank you!
Glad to hear this video offered clarity. Thanks for letting me know it was helpful. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Great you are back AR. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, understandings and compassion it is sincerely felt. All the best with this new appearance. Love the change of back drop It actually matches your shirt some how.
Tina, thanks for the supportive comment and the welcome back. I appreciate your reflections. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks again.
It makes so much sense to me. Thank you!
One of your masterpieces, Alan. I hope you are aware of what a gift to this world you are!
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit.
If you like the video then you may also like taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma already there! V.H.
Thank you for taking the time to explain this, invisible relating problem so we can heal. Learning the art of relating.
Glad you like this content. Yes, learning the art of relating is important. You may also find insight from the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Check out the quiz to learn more.
Finally feel like someone understands me! Good video🙏🏻❤️ Thank You!
Thank you so much for making this information available. I’m halfway through and I’m grateful to have been suggested this video. Such a rich and eye opening dialogue here.
Flare, thank you for the supportive words. I'm glad to hear the video has been illuminating for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you want to continue the dialogue, we talk more about trauma bonding in relationships in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Thank you very much, Alan!... Also, your window background and your shirt look sharp!
Glad this was helpful Jane. And thanks for the compliments. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Wonderful! You put The Words Around The Experience Perfectly and Beautifully 😊. Thank You Thank You Thank You.
Thank you for the kind, supportive words Murray-Rose. I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. We talk more about trauma bonding in relationships in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Mr Alan, you are so wise💙glad to see you updated.
Brandie, thanks for the supportive welcome back. If you're interested I've got some news you can check out. I recently created a course. If you want to learn more about it take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, to continue this conversation about trauma bonding in relationships, then you may like to join the community I created with likeminded individuals, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is a highly underrated video
Thank u so much alan💌
Yes my G!!!!! Mega awesome work.
mega thank you
Thank you Alan! Crazy...Perfect timing!! Love from England!
Profound and very important work very well articulated. Recalibrating my expectations in all of my relationships has become a daily practice and way of life. Thank you! ❤
Thank you for your existence !!! 😌❤️
Carole, thank you for the supportive comment. If you'd like to engage more or support the creation of these videos, consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Alan, you communicate these ideas SO well. Can you touch on two parents backing up each others' blind spots. So it's two against one (one, the adult child!)
Welcome back! Yay!! ⚘⚘⚘⚘
thank you
I am so grateful you are back Alan. Your intelligence, empathy and charm were so missed.
Lindsay, thank you for the feedback. Also, thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Thanks Alan for sharing this and nailing it - this time nailing the big one, the huge monster at the end of the last level of the wierd world video game we have to defeat. This is what’s behind everything else I think and you dug it up for us.
Amazing. Your explanation made me aware that I know someone like this. They always feel not good enough for their parent, but to an extreme degree. The way you explained it makes soooo much sense!!! I love your videos:)
Thank you for sharing. I see you like to understand people more. Empathy is a good skill. Glad you like this video. Please tag a friend who might also benefit. Thanks again.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I also think it's in terms of my own understanding. Apparently I love to try to looking for meaning and understanding in these things. I think I've come across people who have shown signs of hurt, and have missed what was right there in my face. I would like to not miss it anymore :) Maybe I can help people one day :)
Absolutely brilliant video!
Thank you so much! I'm glad this resonated with you.
If this information was beneficial for you, I recommend checking out my other resources - The Four Attachment Distress Responses course and the online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Both will help you work toward a better understanding of yourself so that you can learn, explore, grow, and heal. We all deserve the opportunity to do that.
Course - www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Community - www.alanrobarge.com/community
"feel the feelings"...ugh. feelings. I'm trying...but, ugh.
You are gifted and articulate, thank you so much.
Thank you for those kind words, I appreciate that you value my work.
If you found this video helpful, you might also be interested in my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting.
Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So happy to see you back on TH-cam - yes I experienced all you talked about including the "death" of the relationship with my parent. The grief caused a breakdown but that was several years ago. Back on track in many ways but love to hear your insight and the way you share your compassion to people who have to experience the heartbreak of not having loving present parents .
JP, I am also glad to be back making more videos! Thanks for your comment. I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you! To be honest this happened seven years ago and I don't like to spend too much energy on the dysfunction of my family anymore. I watch these videos to stay up to speed on the topic and I am so happy to see professionals better understand how damaging the family can be, especially when society says family is everything. Bless you for your commitment to helping so many people overcome the trauma they experienced.
I understand. Thanks for the rely. Glad you are doing well on your healing journey.
Good 'ol Alan hitting the nail on the head per usual. This guy is the real deal. Can't wait for the book.
Alan - this is Jennifer Sinclair. I want those notes of yours!!! You are a genius. Thank you!
Very powerful, realistic, sobering video. Thank you.
Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful and offered some grounding. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Wow!! Yes totally feeling this!!
thank you