Hey Patrick maybe you are unaware of just how amazing you really are. The way you make people laugh, lift others up, or spread some extra love. You do this even though you are struggling too, and I think it makes you such a beautiful human being. You are reason someone feels welcome, seen, heard, valued, loved, and supported today
I grew up with a burdened mother who gradually became mildly but consistently depressed, and a strict, authoritarian, cold, and extremely irritable father. Later on, my mother had a stroke and was left paralyzed. They didn't understand each other at all, yet they never divorced. Additionally, at school, I had a violent teacher who used to beat us if we made a mistake and made us learn out of fear, humiliating us and speaking harshly. I was 7 years old, and I know that from that moment on, I was no longer myself. I lost the courage to voice my opinions, express my views firmly, and showcase my personality. It shattered me at the core. Under the constant stress, I developed migraines, a condition I still suffer from today. I lived in chaos - fear, arguments, and my mother leaving for another country, which I didn't fully understand at the time. This led my sister and me to stay with our father, who attempted suicide, believing that our mother had abandoned us. The chaos around me has turned me into an anxious, fearful, and untrusting individual today.
Had a huge mental breakthrough literally just yesterday, and it was about the fearful avoidant attachment style. So, yet again, here I am complimenting your timing! This isn't the Truman Show, right..? hah. Your content is amazing Patrick; you're leading so many, myself included, to healing I'm sure we never thought we'd find, however late it may be.
The part where you say “ you gotta love yourself maaaaan” Your natural demeanour around such a sensitive subject makes dealing with this a little more comfortable. You are an incredible human helping other humans and that is the most commendable thing.
Yep, it's painfull to realise this and me at 46 trying to heal 20 years of dysfunction and abuse I wish I could pay someone to do it for me because it's a long process and you need to really do it yourself if you want to have any healthy relationships in the future. I'm perfect example of self-sabotaging, abandoning myself, no self love, no boundaries or healthy communication and my favourite cherry on the cake being self-fulfilling prophecy. 25 years of more trauma, pain, heartbreaks, depression, mental burnout/breakout, suicidal thinking and finally awakening or some might call it God/Angels intervention. I'm in recovery and healing now.
I've been a loner for so long that the "want to" has died. I have zero desire for human relationships. I am content in my own space with my three dogs. The only remaining irritation is when a coworker or some random person becomes rude or aggressive in some way. Thinking about my abusive past, of course, still hurts, but I am slowly coming to terms with that too. I will never have the family or relationship I once thought I wanted. Period. I give myself permission to live life on my terms. No more endless compromises. I wear what I want. I eat what I want. I read what I want. I listen to whatever style of music I choose. I sleep when I want. I buy what I can afford. I laugh and cry when I feel the need to. There was a time in my life when none of that was possible. Freedom is more sustaining than any possible human interaction. I think we need to be okay with that outcome too. We don't all get the Hallmark version of happily ever after, but we can find meaning in life in other ways.
I was just thinking that on a hike with my dog the other day. Freedom is most sustaining for me as well. That’s exactly where I am and I’m happy with it. Being free of the tension and insecurity around relationships is priceless and affords me growth and peace of mind. I don’t get lonely because i have peace. I can always find people to talk to if I really need to, but mostly that just affirms my desire for freedom.
My partner is secure attachment with a healthy childhood and I'm anxious preoccupied attachment, it's hard as a lot of problems are caused by me. But his patience is what I need
I’ve been watching your channel for a couple of months now and I want to say how grateful I am for them. I live on a fixed income otherwise I’d pay you money. I’ve been really struggling from a lot of things including a high ACE Score (left in a room to die aged two. Eventually sent home from hospital), PTSD and dissociative disorder. In the last one of your videos you spoke about how childhood trauma leads us, potentially, to making terrible adult relationship choices. I’m your flagship gal. I’m trying to heal and you’re helping. If I win the lottery you’ll know about it. Sending you love and peace
I am so sorry for you, how terrible what humans can do to children 😭 I wish you lots of strength and courage to face these dark times and leave them far behind ❤
This video blew my mind....I am fearful avoidant. This explained the attachment styles better than anything I had previously seen. I always knew I had the avoidant aspect, but felt there was something missing. I've been noticing that my relationship is very hot and cold; up and down, and it's because of chaos that *I'm* creating. I have a hard time trusting my partner and myself but at the same time don't want to lose the relationship. Thank you so much!
I can so relate! It is so uncomfortable to see. Relationships with me are totally up and down, and I reach a point where I believe I am standing up for myself but end up being hypercritical of the other. Just started noticing this in my 40s...terrified I will be like this forever (even though I am catching myself more and more before acting out).
I think this is a big one, or maybe the root of all the problems for me! I also love that you talk about fixing it in a "good enough" way, because I tend to think I have to do things perfectly! Also, I think you could do a whole video about mindless clichés in the recovery community!
Really needed this..I'm caught up with being a friend with my ex but deep down I know my inner child wants him to love me and I know I'm going to get hurt
Being a friend to your ex endangers your inner child, and your inner child knows it. Would you keep a toxic ex around to have access to your own children? No. Then why expose your inner child to such dangers?
I was like this for over 10 years. Finally got him to try to date again and all it did was get me abused for an extra year and a half before I finally realized that I'm better off without him completely.
It might be helpful to date other people. I've had this problem before and honestly, turns out he wasn't the best thing to ever happen to me. Believe it or not, there are awesomer dudes out there.
hey patrick i love your videos, i have a suggestion. Could you make a video talking about what a healthy romantic relationship generally looks like? i feel like i know what an unhealthy relationship is but the line is blurred between perfect and healthy.
You're saving lives. Thank you. I'm open about my mental health on my channel and your videos are unlocking the next step for me. It's scary, but I'm in a good place to learn about myself. Thank you.
So scary but amazing. I love his videos AND the comments! This is the place I come to be seen and validated without saying a word. Shout to you for embracing the painful and scary.
Patrick, would you please do a video on losing a parent. I just lost my mom two months ago in December, and I was her caregiver and the rest of my family who lived near us didn't help me much at all. She was 83 years old and had diabetes and dementia. I miss her desperately. I've been very depressed and mourning her death. I also have been doing a lot of thinking (ruminating) about the past and myself, and have listened to many people who have Asperger's, particularly women. I strongly suspect I am on the spectrum and I hope you can do more videos on how people on the spectrum will deal differently with life than a normal person does. Thank you so much for all that you do for us on TH-cam! So very grateful.
Again so targeted and useful. Does anyone else struggle w watching these videos w full attention all the way through? I find myself hitting a point in the topic that resonates and then it's like my brain wants to run away and i have to keep backing up and re-listening from the point of the recognition that it's about my experience. It's kind of like a sensitive tooth or something.
It's when it hits a nerve and your mind is digesting it, I think that's what you're saying, correct me if I'm wrong. I find that happens every time in therapy, whether I'm reading a book, watching a video, or even talking with my therapist. When something hits a nerve, I pause there for a bit and can't seem to move on because my mind is digesting it.
The feeling of chasing someone when they're metaphorically running away from you, while you're both supposed to be in a relationship is painful. I didn't want to be abandoned so I promised myself not to break up with them, they broke up with me in the end but it was for the better.
I agree. I understand it’s patterns of behavior, manifesting in subconscious ways though…-sigh- For me..I am cautious at first, but if I find someone attractive, we can have some good conversations, laugh, feel comfortable being silly, share some interests, and they aren’t stuck up or cruel…I’m sold. If they still are being normal and taking time to build to that point, I feel like I’m chasing and they are running. I know its not usually happening like that.. but I feel it….and it makes me want that connection, that dopamine hit. Ill push too hard. Or, conversely, if my depression kicks up I’ll withdraw. I don’t want to make someone feel bad, and I’ll be boring. Or I get overwhelmed with life, and I’ll isolate, and come across like I don’t care. Disappear for a week or more. Now I’m running, and I feel worse. Or I don’t know what to feel. the feeling of being abandoned is terrible. It’s terrifying how we become vulnerable to a person, but they can leave . No matter what we do on our end. Even in that we still end up being the one abandoning. Sorry that happened. I’m glad you know it was for the better, for whatever reason. It makes it a little easier to move on. Ugh. Dating with childhood trauma sucks. hope you’re doing alright these days.
I really like these types of videos that focus on attachment because it really depersonalizes the issues and makes them more clear as to why we behave the way we do. It's a relief to understand that there is a reason for these behaviors other than we are just hopeless and inherently flawed. The degree that these things affect us shows just how important loving relationships and bonding are to being human.
I believe I’ve cycled through all of the attachment styles in attempts to feel safe in relationships-romantic and otherwise. It seems like one style may be more prominent in romantic relationships then a different attachment style may be present in other relationships such as friends/co-workers/family. Also I’ve observed myself cycling through these various styles in a single relationship over time. Basically throwing spaghetti at a wall in an effort to manage my fears and anxiety about my relationship situation. Connection and intimacy has always been the desire, but a lot of anxiety fear and despair about whether I could establish and maintain a genuinely close healthy connection. I alternate between desiring relationships and giving up in despair getting by being independent-basically taking whatever crumbs the few people in my life throw my way. In the past I had a pattern of premature commitment and long term investment in people who I was not well matched with. A mess and ultimately alone. Lots of childhood trauma which I tried to achieve my way out of - basically improve my sense of value. I did achieve a lot in a scholastic sense. But in retirement it is no longer valued. My family is now stiff arming me sharing the story that “you use too big of words” - I think this expresses resentment and accusing me of showing off. I was a healthcare professional and politically liberal so with the culture war shifts I’ve become a target when none of this was front and center in the past. I don’t ever bring it up but the little contact I have they make snide comments or avoid me. Fun dealing with stonewalling during an already isolating pandemic. My family/siblings are not safe relationships. They have become worse as we aged, and even more aggressive or avoidant as I began to look at our trauma history and work on restoring connections. Nope - met with more fragmentation, avoidance and wounding. Way beyond my skill set. Again I misjudged the desire to be present and/or in a relationship with me. Ugh 😩. I have LOTS of time to work on my relationship with my inner self-very little else happening. Isolation results in a lot of struggle around “rejection and abandonment” as I note others hunkered down focused in on their own pods.
“My family/siblings are not safe relationships.” I needed to read this!!! I had to go NC with my entire family of origin because I was in such a dark place and I’ve been so confused on whether I’m doing the right thing. That statement is exactly why I feel I am doing the right thing. It’s so very hard, painful and confusing to go NC with the ppl that are supposed to be loving, supportive and have no hidden agenda. So thank you so much for putting down your thoughts here!!! It’s been 2 months now w/out my family getting in my head and with therapy on my CPTSD that I’m starting to see things clearer. I have my own family that is amazing and I pray that everyone who was dealt this crappy card in life can find an amazing partner. Thanks again and God bless.
I've fluctuated a lot on attachment styles in relationships too, so I hear you on everyting you said in the first half. I've had different family experiences but still feel like I over function to make things work & other family members seem to either expect me to do all the work or just don't feel much need to connect with me like I've always needed. Anyway just trying to say you're not the only one. I guess this is why we have to re-learn how to think about how we feel so we can take care better of ourselves the way we've expected others to want to care for us.
14:40 JUMPSTART …exactly what I need! I’m in therapy and making progress finally after decades of feeling stuck. ❤️ 15:20 Fearful Avoidant WOW. that’s ME? holy cow 20:00 Journal Prompts
Great video. I’m only focusing on my attachment style, no one else’s, no more trying to figure out the “other” person ( specifically my coparent). I’m only focusing on how to ensure my child has a healthy secure attachment style and The people in his life foster those skill. Great video and great perspective shift .
I never realized this, but I’ve been a runner for a while. I liked being in my relationships, but when things got difficult, I threw the relationship out the window and went on to the next. I’ve healed a lot through my current relationship though. This is the longest one I’ve been in and I’m commited. This is a very interesting video. Thank you
I am anxious preoccupied and the love of my life is dismissive avoidant, and I wouldn't have it any other way because it is forcing me to change. I am changing! Haaaaard one, connecting with the inner child, still so vague but you're working on helping with that. Thanks so much 🙏
You are truly a gift to us survivors of crappy parents, and for the first time you give real direction for a way to healthy interactions....I love you man!
I really like that you explained these on an axis because i am both fearful and avoidant but not necessarily fearful avoidant. Mostly avoidance but with anxious attachment motivations. Im excited to learn and unlearn!
Hi Patrick, I've just started watching some of your videos and really like them. It's nice to have a therapist who has also gone thru childhood trauma themselves, although obviously I'm sorry you went thru that stuff too. I grew up in an Alcoholic family. One of my favorite self-help books is 'Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics' and your videos remind me of that. I wanted to ask you or anyone else here the following: Growing up things were crazy at home, many death threats and some attempts, a lot of verbal/psychological abuse and just intense/crazy stuff. I have 3 siblings but feel I grew up alone. We didn't share any feelings or talk about anything or any affection, etc. As adults we get along well and can joke around. The problem for me is that I can't open up to them about anything emotional/meaningful and I don't want to. It's extremely uncomfortable. Put simply I just want to live my life without them being a close part of it or of my emotional life, I don't think I would want them at my wedding for example. We never hugged growing up and just the thought of hugging now is weird/uncomfortable. We all now have the same faith, but even that is very hard for me to talk with them about because of how personal it is for me. I feel like I just want to be left alone by them at times and want to move far away. Growing up I always wanted another family or family situation and I think that plays into it. I can open up to friends but only if they are not friends with my family because then it's that same weird feeling. Has anyone else experienced something like this and is there any advice on this? My siblings and mom are really good people, it just causes the most uncomfortable feeling for me and affects me negatively emotionally. My dad was the alcoholic and he still drinks, he has mellowed out but I still can't stand seeing him drunk so if he is around I can only see him in the mornings. Thank you.
You are so spot on with all your videos in my corner. I know there are people that we vibe with or not, but seriously, Patrick, you're describing my life. Lol. I love listening to your stuff, and although I feel that your stuff is not triggering (you have a wonderful delivery) at times I do step away as this relates to a heavier time in my life. It takes bravery to go back and take a deep look, but before I get trapped into something that might feel slippery, I take a break and love myself even more for protecting me and not getting engorged on info. Like a starving person presented with a smorgasbord. It's ok to go slow! Thank you ❤️
Ok so I believe I was anxious preoccupied before I got into a relationship and when the relationship ended I’m now fearful avoidant. Thank you so much for this. You have helped me in so many ways!
Hi Patrick. I am so happy to have found your videos, I feel so safe and supported by the way you explain things and it’s great modelling for how to be a “functional adult” in support of my inner child as I go through the journey of trying to re-parent myself. I wish there had been an adult like you somewhere in my childhood!
I love the "what did I do"..constantly saying this and to see it is part of a response really opens up an awareness instead of literally asking what did I do. Much self talk to work on. Thank You!
Amazingly helpful video. I'm just shocked that 50% of the general population has a secure attachment. Who are these people and can I have their childhood please?
Hi guys, is there hope? I'm 30, diagnosed with Cptsd due to my "lovely childhood". I'm starting to think I'm doomed. I don't want to suffer like that for my entire life, clinging to the hope that's something's gonna change, or maybe "tomorrow is gonna be better". It's not like I'm excepting for someone else to do the hard work for me, I really don't. since the age 12, I had eating disorders, heroin addiction, 10 rehabs, toxic relationship with covert narcissist (etc). Despite everything, I never gave up - and rebuilt my broken life. Moreover, I managed somehow to finish my college degree recently (social work, I know 🤦) - and I'm fighting for myself with everything I've got. I've been in therapy (a lot of them actually), and it's useless (at least for me). Support online communities are much helpful and productive than "professionals" who usually have neither idea nor awareness of narcissistic abuse/ emotional severe trauma, etc.... After so many failed attempts, I don't trust anyone. NEVER AGAIN. All they did is retraumization (is that even a word? you know what I mean, sorry for my English). All those bullsh!t about "Just love yourself", "Oh, just let go", "acceptance" - Yeah, obviously theoretically and ideally it's true, but Jesus Christ, easy to talk! It's freaking frustrating. How can I give myself something (or - "reparent" myself, like WTAF?!? If I knew how to.... I would've already done it, wouldn't I?!). I've never been given or learned about?! I'm really scared that I'll waist my entire life hurting and trying to fill this Black giant hole within me. Life meant for living, feeling, experiencing, etc - Most certainly not for barely surviving them like an injured, starving and lost animal. And I Know it's supposedly "a choice", but common.... not really. Maybe it's not appropriate to share this here, but honestly, at this point I have nothing to lose, and I couldn't care less anymore. Just wondering if someone can relate or share their experience/ thoughts opinion... Whatever. Thnx for taking the time to read. Hope you're doing well, Anna, Israel.
I didn't get involved with a real person until I was 18years old because of limmerances that started when I was a young child (very young.) They would last for YEARS. I was miserably lonely. When I finally got involved with a real person at 18 years old, it was a train wreck, and the relationship was a train wreck. I married the next one. I can say we loved each other to the best of our abilities. He died of a glioblastoma (brain cancer) about a year and a half ago. Since then, my psych issues have come roaring to the forefront (extreme anxiety, anyone?) I am lonely again. But all this pain has made me ready to deal my childhood trauma.
That is the best explaination I ever heart. It reflects that you went thru that hell yourself. Short and clear, with no questions left. Perfect. Thank you for pulling us out of the mud!
Im definitely anxious preoccupied 110% ÷ Fearful Avoidant and my husband I'd say is a combination of 1/3 secure 1/3 anxious preoccupied and 1/3 of dismissive avoidance. It's difficult but we are working on it pretty well. I found these videos and the other day it was my man's idea to and he was actually interested in starting to watch one video a week together. Baby steps.
I wrote down all your prompts and will journal like you advised to. I will be patient & kind to myself as I explore my inner child & core beliefs. Thank you so much for another helpful video
Man, you know Kudos on so many Levels. Just wanna drop a Big Thanks for speaking to a low grade, vaguely annoying yet persistent pet peeves: You GAVE THE YEAR OF the workshop thingy you just mentioned!! Thank you, thank you!🤩
Wow, are you me? Totally feel the same. You described what I’ve been feeling for a long time. I also recently just started living. It’s very liberating.
Thank you so much for absolutely everything you do. You make this space so much more worthwhile and as someone whose gone to therapy as a teen, I appreciate you so much. Love the prompts and the work. About to sit down and watch this video. If ever you start a cash app, I’d love to donate, because I may not have much but I would like to thank you w whatever I can monetarily, as you do so much for us here. Thank you always.
I'm so tired of trying to heal. Ive now been in therapy for half my life at 57. Interesting topic, "connecting" feels impossible.... I'm thinking it has to with being adopted, and never really connecting with my primary care giver.... family or anyone. Solo sux and is also the only option. Lost (disorganized)
Both my parents died when I was a child Raised by a pedophile My sister hated me Always putting me down and lying about me I’m very lonely afraid to have friends trust missing but I do feel lonely and lost but cannot trust people I’m depressed and lost
You are an absolute gem, I was looking for someone with your content for a long time. I love the way you deliver information. I look forward to more of your work!
Incredible. Thank you, Patrick! I feel like I owe you a lifetime of copays for these videos. They're so helpful and you're just so good at explaining things in straight-forward terms. Thank you!
I appreciate your videos and the level of emotional intelligence you have so much! I would love to be a patient, but I understand that your practice is full! Thank you for all the amazing work you do!
Very helpful information. More than the attachment axis, you have provided information of how it presents in real time. Thank you for the graphic illustration with notes. Thank you for the journal prompts for self- reflection. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
As someone who is mostly detached and avoidant, I find it hard to see an issue with it… there’s a lot wrong in how I deal with the world and I have a lot to work on, but having more involved relationships seems counterproductive
Promts: 1. What does your inner child think about having real and safe intimacy? 2. What was modelled from your parents about secure attachment? Their relationship? 3. When you are triggered around your partner how do you behave? 4. What is something we can do about all these? stopping something or starting something?
Could you please do a video about someone with ''daddy issues'' and what behaviors are common for someone who has this issue? I would appreciate it a lot.
Thank you for verbalized what I have known but not formulated previously. 'You gotta love yourself' is something I have been commanded to do since childhood, but I have never (and still don't really) understood what that means, how to do it. What is this mysterious 'self-care' i see people talk about? What i saw modeled by my mother (father was not in the picture on a regular basis, so she was my only model) looked, to me, like the same selfishness I was criticized for. My perception was that there was no 'us' she was taking an evening away from for her, which is to say, there was no quality time to compensate for the time away, which left me feeling like a burden from which she needed to get away. Sorry, I don't know where I am heading with this, but just thank you for acknowledging that survivors of childhood trauma may not know what self-care even looks like.
You have such a beautiful way of explaining these complex topics and issues in a simplistic yet specific, informative, and profound way. So grateful for you and your videos, which have helped me build in reflection time to practice these strategies for myself and family. THANK YOU!✌️❤️
I’m a mostly dismissive-avoidant (getting better though!) who was married to a fearful-avoidant. I could not see that relationship for what it was when I was in it. I just remember being really, really confused a lot of the time. Distance from it is what finally allowed me to see it clearly. That and healing my own attachment style.
I sure needed this. Just scared away a good friend with my chasing, because I was triggered. This helps make sense of it all and I am glad to finally get to the roots of some behaviors I am always confused about afterwards.
I tend toward "dismissive avoidant" (of potential partners) but I think it's more because it's safer to be alone than to find a partner and risk losing them again. Plus, I've never had any direct experience of stable partnerships, especially not between my parents. So I say to myself, why even bother? I'll stick with the lesser of the evils.
Patrick Thank You so much for this. I so appreciate the way you explain all your topicc what it is. How it plays out in our lives , what that looks like. and how to work with it Your perspective on looking at the relationship we have with ourselves is so helpfull in how we chose to work on this. Thank you for explaining that we may find familiarity with more than one style depending on the relationship. I struggle so much with self identity and feelings of authenticity and I find your videos so helpful in working towards being able to identify and have a better understanding of myself. Self love can be recognizing that we are worthy of the attention it takes to do this work.Its hard to look within sometimes when you dont know exactly what it is your looking for and how to find it and recognize it when you do. You make things resonate deeply for me. So grateful to you for all the knowledge and expert help that you share with all of us. And Thanks for offering the course to therapists because a lot of them really do not know how to work with people deeply affected by childhood trauma and how it enters and plays out in the Therapeutic space. You are an amazing and special human being
Wow, I'm fearful avoidant. I knew I was needy and anxious, but I didn't understand why I'd blow up and have a lot of arguments too. A roller coaster is painfully accurate.
I'm a bit of a nerd about attachment theory and I love to see an introductory video on adult attachment styles done right -- great video! Love the graphics. Trying to decide which of your book suggestions to start with. Anyone have any thoughts?
Hmm. Definitely avoidant here. Had to be independent as a kid because I didn’t know how to make friends, so I was often alone. Still don’t really know how to do that. I have friends, but none geographically close, and I need more local friends but am also insure how to make them. Most of my friends kind of adopted me, or at least were the ones to initiate the friendship. But I have also had only one romantic relationship that lasted like a week, and otherwise I assume no guy is going to be interested in me, because only that one guy ever was. And I tend to assume the same thing about non-romantic people, too, despite evidence to the contrary.
I adopted associates that I called friends. They were not reciprocal relationships, they were one-way, with me doing all the giving and psychological work adapting to their needs. Very expensive in many ways, and unfulfilling. I have since learned I am better off alone.
You have a unique, and very elegant way of explaining things. With every episode I'm left feeling understood. I can't put into words how grateful I am to have found your channel. Oh how I wish you could be my therapist. When or if you're able to, I'd love advice on a couple reoccuring situations I find myself struggling with. I appreciate your time and consideration. Diane
Here are the two books from the other video description about inner child work: -MARGARET PAUL - INNER BONDING -LUCIA CAPPACHIONE - RECOVERY OF YOUR INNER CHILD
Very helpful information, thank you so much. I “solved” this problem myself 40 years by deciding I was just unfit for any type of relationship at all, but I sure am lonely. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way?
Dismissive avoidant. But, I just totally don't care about any romantic or sexual relationship... all I want is to have someone where I can be there for them if they're sick/injured/etc and *vice versa*. Someone to just grow old with and mutually care about and for each other. Being aro/ace actually kind of sucks, but I just don't experience romantic and sexual feelings -- I've tried. Several times. And I never feel a connection. This all significantly narrows down the dating pool. (and yes, hormones have all checked out within normal to optimal levels for my age).
I have CPTSD and PTSD from Military sexual trauma. I feel that I am Anxious Avoidance Attachment Style. I am in EMDR Therapy. My X was a Sex addict and the gaslighting provoked my triggers of Fight and Flight. I also had financial betrayal
Thank you! This would have been so helpful 38 years ago when I pursued an emotionally unavailable man-child, while I had enormous psychological issues myself due to extreme abuse from pre-birth to age 22. But then I wouldn’t have have the children I have….! Sadly it didn’t work out.
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Hey Patrick maybe you are unaware of just how amazing you really are. The way you make people laugh, lift others up, or spread some extra love. You do this even though you are struggling too, and I think it makes you such a beautiful human being. You are reason someone feels welcome, seen, heard, valued, loved, and supported today
Wow, thank you
You're welcome - it's true
Beautifully said Amy. And so very true. Thank you Patrick!
I concur!!!!! His videos have been life changing ❤️
@Krishna Patel absolute truth! Hey, do you wanna be friends?
I grew up with a burdened mother who gradually became mildly but consistently depressed, and a strict, authoritarian, cold, and extremely irritable father. Later on, my mother had a stroke and was left paralyzed. They didn't understand each other at all, yet they never divorced. Additionally, at school, I had a violent teacher who used to beat us if we made a mistake and made us learn out of fear, humiliating us and speaking harshly. I was 7 years old, and I know that from that moment on, I was no longer myself. I lost the courage to voice my opinions, express my views firmly, and showcase my personality. It shattered me at the core. Under the constant stress, I developed migraines, a condition I still suffer from today.
I lived in chaos - fear, arguments, and my mother leaving for another country, which I didn't fully understand at the time. This led my sister and me to stay with our father, who attempted suicide, believing that our mother had abandoned us. The chaos around me has turned me into an anxious, fearful, and untrusting individual today.
I can't believe you post such quality content for free. may we all be filled with loving kindness.
I agree, it is very generous to offer this for free!
I'm so tried of people saying this...everything isn't about profit/ money. Knowledge and healing is the payment.🤔
@@hs-qk9qf do you feed yourself and pay your bills/rent with that philosophy? Know generosity when it is in your face.
Had a huge mental breakthrough literally just yesterday, and it was about the fearful avoidant attachment style. So, yet again, here I am complimenting your timing! This isn't the Truman Show, right..? hah. Your content is amazing Patrick; you're leading so many, myself included, to healing I'm sure we never thought we'd find, however late it may be.
Same! I’m reading Attached right now. There is hope for us.
His videos always come at the right time
The part where you say
“ you gotta love yourself maaaaan”
Your natural demeanour around such a sensitive subject makes dealing with this a little more comfortable. You are an incredible human helping other humans and that is the most commendable thing.
Anyone else always shocked on how we have to re-parent what our parents didn’t do for us?😩
Yup.
Yep, it's painfull to realise this and me at 46 trying to heal 20 years of dysfunction and abuse I wish I could pay someone to do it for me because it's a long process and you need to really do it yourself if you want to have any healthy relationships in the future. I'm perfect example of self-sabotaging, abandoning myself, no self love, no boundaries or healthy communication and my favourite cherry on the cake being self-fulfilling prophecy. 25 years of more trauma, pain, heartbreaks, depression, mental burnout/breakout, suicidal thinking and finally awakening or some might call it God/Angels intervention. I'm in recovery and healing now.
I've been a loner for so long that the "want to" has died. I have zero desire for human relationships. I am content in my own space with my three dogs. The only remaining irritation is when a coworker or some random person becomes rude or aggressive in some way. Thinking about my abusive past, of course, still hurts, but I am slowly coming to terms with that too. I will never have the family or relationship I once thought I wanted. Period. I give myself permission to live life on my terms. No more endless compromises. I wear what I want. I eat what I want. I read what I want. I listen to whatever style of music I choose. I sleep when I want. I buy what I can afford. I laugh and cry when I feel the need to. There was a time in my life when none of that was possible. Freedom is more sustaining than any possible human interaction. I think we need to be okay with that outcome too. We don't all get the Hallmark version of happily ever after, but we can find meaning in life in other ways.
Yes, I know. Me, too. But do you get lonely? I get very lonely sometimes.
I was just thinking that on a hike with my dog the other day. Freedom is most sustaining for me as well. That’s exactly where I am and I’m happy with it. Being free of the tension and insecurity around relationships is priceless and affords me growth and peace of mind. I don’t get lonely because i have peace. I can always find people to talk to if I really need to, but mostly that just affirms my desire for freedom.
@@abbykendrick5748 thank you Abby, that was very helpful. It’s a process - “Trust the Journey”
@@abbykendrick5748 same here
I am a complete dismissive avoidant and it sometimes feels like being a psychopath cause i can easily throw people away. It sucks
Questioning if I've ever had a true connection with anyone. Yes, it does suck.
When you said "It's you and me, kid" I started crying lmao
My partner is secure attachment with a healthy childhood and I'm anxious preoccupied attachment, it's hard as a lot of problems are caused by me. But his patience is what I need
My husband and i were both physically abused. It leads to a lot of unique conflicts, but endless understanding. I love him so much :)
I’ve been watching your channel for a couple of months now and I want to say how grateful I am for them. I live on a fixed income otherwise I’d pay you money.
I’ve been really struggling from a lot of things including a high ACE Score (left in a room to die aged two. Eventually sent home from hospital), PTSD and dissociative disorder.
In the last one of your videos you spoke about how childhood trauma leads us, potentially, to making terrible adult relationship choices.
I’m your flagship gal.
I’m trying to heal and you’re helping.
If I win the lottery you’ll know about it.
Sending you love and peace
I am so sorry for you, how terrible what humans can do to children 😭 I wish you lots of strength and courage to face these dark times and leave them far behind ❤
> left in a room to die aged two
What?! I... What?!
I'm sending you some love and peace. I hope it gets there.
This video blew my mind....I am fearful avoidant. This explained the attachment styles better than anything I had previously seen. I always knew I had the avoidant aspect, but felt there was something missing. I've been noticing that my relationship is very hot and cold; up and down, and it's because of chaos that *I'm* creating. I have a hard time trusting my partner and myself but at the same time don't want to lose the relationship. Thank you so much!
I can so relate! It is so uncomfortable to see. Relationships with me are totally up and down, and I reach a point where I believe I am standing up for myself but end up being hypercritical of the other. Just started noticing this in my 40s...terrified I will be like this forever (even though I am catching myself more and more before acting out).
I think this is a big one, or maybe the root of all the problems for me! I also love that you talk about fixing it in a "good enough" way, because I tend to think I have to do things perfectly! Also, I think you could do a whole video about mindless clichés in the recovery community!
Really needed this..I'm caught up with being a friend with my ex but deep down I know my inner child wants him to love me and I know I'm going to get hurt
That must be hard. Wishing you peace and clarity 💕
@@babylej thank you 💖
Being a friend to your ex endangers your inner child, and your inner child knows it.
Would you keep a toxic ex around to have access to your own children? No. Then why expose your inner child to such dangers?
I was like this for over 10 years. Finally got him to try to date again and all it did was get me abused for an extra year and a half before I finally realized that I'm better off without him completely.
It might be helpful to date other people. I've had this problem before and honestly, turns out he wasn't the best thing to ever happen to me. Believe it or not, there are awesomer dudes out there.
hey patrick i love your videos, i have a suggestion. Could you make a video talking about what a healthy romantic relationship generally looks like? i feel like i know what an unhealthy relationship is but the line is blurred between perfect and healthy.
You're saving lives. Thank you. I'm open about my mental health on my channel and your videos are unlocking the next step for me. It's scary, but I'm in a good place to learn about myself.
Thank you.
So scary but amazing. I love his videos AND the comments! This is the place I come to be seen and validated without saying a word. Shout to you for embracing the painful and scary.
Patrick, would you please do a video on losing a parent. I just lost my mom two months ago in December, and I was her caregiver and the rest of my family who lived near us didn't help me much at all. She was 83 years old and had diabetes and dementia. I miss her desperately. I've been very depressed and mourning her death. I also have been doing a lot of thinking (ruminating) about the past and myself, and have listened to many people who have Asperger's, particularly women. I strongly suspect I am on the spectrum and I hope you can do more videos on how people on the spectrum will deal differently with life than a normal person does. Thank you so much for all that you do for us on TH-cam! So very grateful.
Again so targeted and useful. Does anyone else struggle w watching these videos w full attention all the way through? I find myself hitting a point in the topic that resonates and then it's like my brain wants to run away and i have to keep backing up and re-listening from the point of the recognition that it's about my experience. It's kind of like a sensitive tooth or something.
It's when it hits a nerve and your mind is digesting it, I think that's what you're saying, correct me if I'm wrong. I find that happens every time in therapy, whether I'm reading a book, watching a video, or even talking with my therapist. When something hits a nerve, I pause there for a bit and can't seem to move on because my mind is digesting it.
@@sakhilepadi3501 great way to describe it. Thank you.
Yes, it takes me forever to watch one of his videos ☹️
The feeling of chasing someone when they're metaphorically running away from you, while you're both supposed to be in a relationship is painful. I didn't want to be abandoned so I promised myself not to break up with them, they broke up with me in the end but it was for the better.
I agree. I understand it’s patterns of behavior, manifesting in subconscious ways though…-sigh-
For me..I am cautious at first, but if I find someone attractive, we can have some good conversations, laugh, feel comfortable being silly, share some interests, and they aren’t stuck up or cruel…I’m sold. If they still are being normal and taking time to build to that point, I feel like I’m chasing and they are running. I know its not usually happening like that.. but I feel it….and it makes me want that connection, that dopamine hit. Ill push too hard. Or, conversely, if my depression kicks up I’ll withdraw. I don’t want to make someone feel bad, and I’ll be boring. Or I get overwhelmed with life, and I’ll isolate, and come across like I don’t care. Disappear for a week or more. Now I’m running, and I feel worse. Or I don’t know what to feel.
the feeling of being abandoned is terrible. It’s terrifying how we become vulnerable to a person, but they can leave . No matter what we do on our end. Even in that we still end up being the one abandoning. Sorry that happened. I’m glad you know it was for the better, for whatever reason. It makes it a little easier to move on.
Ugh. Dating with childhood trauma sucks. hope you’re doing alright these days.
I really like these types of videos that focus on attachment because it really depersonalizes the issues and makes them more clear as to why we behave the way we do. It's a relief to understand that there is a reason for these behaviors other than we are just hopeless and inherently flawed. The degree that these things affect us shows just how important loving relationships and bonding are to being human.
Well said 💗
I believe I’ve cycled through all of the attachment styles in attempts to feel safe in relationships-romantic and otherwise. It seems like one style may be more prominent in romantic relationships then a different attachment style may be present in other relationships such as friends/co-workers/family. Also I’ve observed myself cycling through these various styles in a single relationship over time. Basically throwing spaghetti at a wall in an effort to manage my fears and anxiety about my relationship situation. Connection and intimacy has always been the desire, but a lot of anxiety fear and despair about whether I could establish and maintain a genuinely close healthy connection. I alternate between desiring relationships and giving up in despair getting by being independent-basically taking whatever crumbs the few people in my life throw my way. In the past I had a pattern of premature commitment and long term investment in people who I was not well matched with. A mess and ultimately alone. Lots of childhood trauma which I tried to achieve my way out of - basically improve my sense of value. I did achieve a lot in a scholastic sense. But in retirement it is no longer valued. My family is now stiff arming me sharing the story that “you use too big of words” - I think this expresses resentment and accusing me of showing off. I was a healthcare professional and politically liberal so with the culture war shifts I’ve become a target when none of this was front and center in the past. I don’t ever bring it up but the little contact I have they make snide comments or avoid me. Fun dealing with stonewalling during an already isolating pandemic. My family/siblings are not safe relationships. They have become worse as we aged, and even more aggressive or avoidant as I began to look at our trauma history and work on restoring connections. Nope - met with more fragmentation, avoidance and wounding. Way beyond my skill set. Again I misjudged the desire to be present and/or in a relationship with me. Ugh 😩. I have LOTS of time to work on my relationship with my inner self-very little else happening. Isolation results in a lot of struggle around “rejection and abandonment” as I note others hunkered down focused in on their own pods.
“My family/siblings are not safe relationships.” I needed to read this!!! I had to go NC with my entire family of origin because I was in such a dark place and I’ve been so confused on whether I’m doing the right thing. That statement is exactly why I feel I am doing the right thing. It’s so very hard, painful and confusing to go NC with the ppl that are supposed to be loving, supportive and have no hidden agenda. So thank you so much for putting down your thoughts here!!! It’s been 2 months now w/out my family getting in my head and with therapy on my CPTSD that I’m starting to see things clearer. I have my own family that is amazing and I pray that everyone who was dealt this crappy card in life can find an amazing partner. Thanks again and God bless.
I've fluctuated a lot on attachment styles in relationships too, so I hear you on everyting you said in the first half. I've had different family experiences but still feel like I over function to make things work & other family members seem to either expect me to do all the work or just don't feel much need to connect with me like I've always needed. Anyway just trying to say you're not the only one. I guess this is why we have to re-learn how to think about how we feel so we can take care better of ourselves the way we've expected others to want to care for us.
14:40 JUMPSTART …exactly what I need! I’m in therapy and making progress finally after decades of feeling stuck. ❤️
15:20 Fearful Avoidant
WOW. that’s ME? holy cow
20:00 Journal Prompts
Great video. I’m only focusing on my attachment style, no one else’s, no more trying to figure out the “other” person ( specifically my coparent). I’m only focusing on how to ensure my child has a healthy secure attachment style and The people in his life foster those skill. Great video and great perspective shift .
I never realized this, but I’ve been a runner for a while. I liked being in my relationships, but when things got difficult, I threw the relationship out the window and went on to the next. I’ve healed a lot through my current relationship though. This is the longest one I’ve been in and I’m commited. This is a very interesting video. Thank you
Just what I needed. I knew I had issues with attachment, I just needed to understand how it tied up to my childhood trauma.
Thank you ♥️
I am anxious preoccupied and the love of my life is dismissive avoidant, and I wouldn't have it any other way because it is forcing me to change. I am changing! Haaaaard one, connecting with the inner child, still so vague but you're working on helping with that. Thanks so much 🙏
You are truly a gift to us survivors of crappy parents, and for the first time you give real direction for a way to healthy interactions....I love you man!
I really like that you explained these on an axis because i am both fearful and avoidant but not necessarily fearful avoidant. Mostly avoidance but with anxious attachment motivations. Im excited to learn and unlearn!
Hi Patrick, I've just started watching some of your videos and really like them. It's nice to have a therapist who has also gone thru childhood trauma themselves, although obviously I'm sorry you went thru that stuff too. I grew up in an Alcoholic family. One of my favorite self-help books is 'Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics' and your videos remind me of that. I wanted to ask you or anyone else here the following:
Growing up things were crazy at home, many death threats and some attempts, a lot of verbal/psychological abuse and just intense/crazy stuff. I have 3 siblings but feel I grew up alone. We didn't share any feelings or talk about anything or any affection, etc. As adults we get along well and can joke around. The problem for me is that I can't open up to them about anything emotional/meaningful and I don't want to. It's extremely uncomfortable. Put simply I just want to live my life without them being a close part of it or of my emotional life, I don't think I would want them at my wedding for example. We never hugged growing up and just the thought of hugging now is weird/uncomfortable. We all now have the same faith, but even that is very hard for me to talk with them about because of how personal it is for me. I feel like I just want to be left alone by them at times and want to move far away. Growing up I always wanted another family or family situation and I think that plays into it. I can open up to friends but only if they are not friends with my family because then it's that same weird feeling.
Has anyone else experienced something like this and is there any advice on this?
My siblings and mom are really good people, it just causes the most uncomfortable feeling for me and affects me negatively emotionally. My dad was the alcoholic and he still drinks, he has mellowed out but I still can't stand seeing him drunk so if he is around I can only see him in the mornings.
Thank you.
You are so spot on with all your videos in my corner. I know there are people that we vibe with or not, but seriously, Patrick, you're describing my life. Lol. I love listening to your stuff, and although I feel that your stuff is not triggering (you have a wonderful delivery) at times I do step away as this relates to a heavier time in my life. It takes bravery to go back and take a deep look, but before I get trapped into something that might feel slippery, I take a break and love myself even more for protecting me and not getting engorged on info. Like a starving person presented with a smorgasbord. It's ok to go slow! Thank you ❤️
Ok so I believe I was anxious preoccupied before I got into a relationship and when the relationship ended I’m now fearful avoidant. Thank you so much for this. You have helped me in so many ways!
I appreciate how you put on the same shirt from the previously recorded video. That's a nice touch! This one is food for thought so thank you!
Hi Patrick. I am so happy to have found your videos, I feel so safe and supported by the way you explain things and it’s great modelling for how to be a “functional adult” in support of my inner child as I go through the journey of trying to re-parent myself. I wish there had been an adult like you somewhere in my childhood!
Patrick, you are a beautiful soul.
I love the "what did I do"..constantly saying this and to see it is part of a response really opens up an awareness instead of literally asking what did I do. Much self talk to work on. Thank You!
Amazingly helpful video. I'm just shocked that 50% of the general population has a secure attachment. Who are these people and can I have their childhood please?
Would love to hear some attachment stuff that’s not about romantic relationships - I can’t even do friends or support people! Let alone romantic.
Hi guys, is there hope?
I'm 30, diagnosed with Cptsd due to my "lovely childhood".
I'm starting to think I'm doomed.
I don't want to suffer like that for my entire life, clinging to the hope that's something's gonna change, or maybe "tomorrow is gonna be better".
It's not like I'm excepting for someone else to do the hard work for me, I really don't.
since the age 12, I had eating disorders, heroin addiction, 10 rehabs, toxic relationship with covert narcissist (etc).
Despite everything, I never gave up - and rebuilt my broken life.
Moreover, I managed somehow to finish my college degree recently (social work, I know 🤦) - and I'm fighting for myself with everything I've got.
I've been in therapy (a lot of them actually), and it's useless (at least for me).
Support online communities are much helpful and productive than "professionals" who usually have neither idea nor awareness of narcissistic abuse/ emotional severe trauma, etc.... After so many failed attempts, I don't trust anyone. NEVER AGAIN. All they did is retraumization (is that even a word? you know what I mean, sorry for my English).
All those bullsh!t about "Just love yourself", "Oh, just let go", "acceptance" - Yeah, obviously theoretically and ideally it's true, but Jesus Christ, easy to talk! It's freaking frustrating.
How can I give myself something (or - "reparent" myself, like WTAF?!? If I knew how to.... I would've already done it, wouldn't I?!).
I've never been given or learned about?!
I'm really scared that I'll waist my entire life hurting and trying to fill this Black giant hole within me. Life meant for living, feeling, experiencing, etc - Most certainly not for barely surviving them like an injured, starving and lost animal.
And I Know it's supposedly "a choice", but common.... not really.
Maybe it's not appropriate to share this here, but honestly, at this point I have nothing to lose, and I couldn't care less anymore.
Just wondering if someone can relate or share their experience/ thoughts opinion... Whatever.
Thnx for taking the time to read.
Hope you're doing well,
Anna, Israel.
I didn't get involved with a real person until I was 18years old because of limmerances that started when I was a young child (very young.) They would last for YEARS. I was miserably lonely. When I finally got involved with a real person at 18 years old, it was a train wreck, and the relationship was a train wreck. I married the next one. I can say we loved each other to the best of our abilities. He died of a glioblastoma (brain cancer) about a year and a half ago. Since then, my psych issues have come roaring to the forefront (extreme anxiety, anyone?) I am lonely again. But all this pain has made me ready to deal my childhood trauma.
That is the best explaination I ever heart. It reflects that you went thru that hell yourself. Short and clear, with no questions left. Perfect. Thank you for pulling us out of the mud!
Im definitely anxious preoccupied 110% ÷ Fearful Avoidant and my husband I'd say is a combination of 1/3 secure 1/3 anxious preoccupied and 1/3 of dismissive avoidance. It's difficult but we are working on it pretty well. I found these videos and the other day it was my man's idea to and he was actually interested in starting to watch one video a week together. Baby steps.
I wrote down all your prompts and will journal like you advised to. I will be patient & kind to myself as I explore my inner child & core beliefs. Thank you so much for another helpful video
Man, you know Kudos on so many Levels.
Just wanna drop a Big Thanks for speaking to a low grade, vaguely annoying yet persistent pet peeves: You GAVE THE YEAR OF the workshop thingy you just mentioned!! Thank you, thank you!🤩
Never thought I was damaged
Thanks again
Omg, i never thought this is free, you literally saved me from misery
Wow, are you me?
Totally feel the same. You described what I’ve been feeling for a long time. I also recently just started living. It’s very liberating.
Thank you so much for absolutely everything you do. You make this space so much more worthwhile and as someone whose gone to therapy as a teen, I appreciate you so much. Love the prompts and the work. About to sit down and watch this video.
If ever you start a cash app, I’d love to donate, because I may not have much but I would like to thank you w whatever I can monetarily, as you do so much for us here. Thank you always.
I'm so tired of trying to heal. Ive now been in therapy for half my life at 57. Interesting topic, "connecting" feels impossible.... I'm thinking it has to with being adopted, and never really connecting with my primary care giver.... family or anyone. Solo sux and is also the only option. Lost (disorganized)
I wasnt adopted but I resonate. Im 38. We can never give up mate!
Both my parents died when I was a child Raised by a pedophile My sister hated me Always putting me down and lying about me I’m very lonely afraid to have friends trust missing but I do feel lonely and lost but cannot trust people I’m depressed and lost
You are an absolute gem, I was looking for someone with your content for a long time. I love the way you deliver information. I look forward to more of your work!
Incredible. Thank you, Patrick! I feel like I owe you a lifetime of copays for these videos. They're so helpful and you're just so good at explaining things in straight-forward terms. Thank you!
I feel like I'm not one type. Depending on what is going on, I can cycle through these.
Thank you for the work you're doing, Patrick.
I appreciate your videos and the level of emotional intelligence you have so much! I would love to be a patient, but I understand that your practice is full! Thank you for all the amazing work you do!
Very helpful information. More than the attachment axis, you have provided information of how it presents in real time. Thank you for the graphic illustration with notes. Thank you for the journal prompts for self- reflection.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
As someone who is mostly detached and avoidant, I find it hard to see an issue with it… there’s a lot wrong in how I deal with the world and I have a lot to work on, but having more involved relationships seems counterproductive
Well you got the first step which is awareness! You got this!!!
Promts:
1. What does your inner child think about having real and safe intimacy?
2. What was modelled from your parents about secure attachment? Their relationship?
3. When you are triggered around your partner how do you behave?
4. What is something we can do about all these? stopping something or starting something?
I appreciate your videos so much, Patrick.
Could you please do a video about someone with ''daddy issues'' and what behaviors are common for someone who has this issue? I would appreciate it a lot.
Thank you for verbalized what I have known but not formulated previously. 'You gotta love yourself' is something I have been commanded to do since childhood, but I have never (and still don't really) understood what that means, how to do it. What is this mysterious 'self-care' i see people talk about? What i saw modeled by my mother (father was not in the picture on a regular basis, so she was my only model) looked, to me, like the same selfishness I was criticized for. My perception was that there was no 'us' she was taking an evening away from for her, which is to say, there was no quality time to compensate for the time away, which left me feeling like a burden from which she needed to get away.
Sorry, I don't know where I am heading with this, but just thank you for acknowledging that survivors of childhood trauma may not know what self-care even looks like.
This was really clear and I can feel such warmth from your sincere care as a person that professionally encourages healing. Thank you
Can't say enough how grateful I am for your channel. I have got the Inner Bonding book from the library and started reading it.
Your channel has made it easier to love and understand myself and others, thank you! ❤️
You have such a beautiful way of explaining these complex topics and issues in a simplistic yet specific, informative, and profound way.
So grateful for you and your videos, which have helped me build in reflection time to practice these strategies for myself and family. THANK YOU!✌️❤️
I’m a mostly dismissive-avoidant (getting better though!) who was married to a fearful-avoidant. I could not see that relationship for what it was when I was in it. I just remember being really, really confused a lot of the time. Distance from it is what finally allowed me to see it clearly. That and healing my own attachment style.
Books mentioned are now in the description : )👍
I sure needed this. Just scared away a good friend with my chasing, because I was triggered. This helps make sense of it all and I am glad to finally get to the roots of some behaviors I am always confused about afterwards.
This was excellent and very very helpful. Patrick, I am so very grateful for you and this channel. Peace ✌🏻 love 💖 kindness 🕊
Thank you! Those journal prompts are key to untangling the thoughts/feelings of the why’s and how’s on this journey of healing. Timely, as usual❤️
The whole video is great! Parts that spoke to me- 8:00 and 10:23 til the end
I tend toward "dismissive avoidant" (of potential partners) but I think it's more because it's safer to be alone than to find a partner and risk losing them again. Plus, I've never had any direct experience of stable partnerships, especially not between my parents. So I say to myself, why even bother? I'll stick with the lesser of the evils.
I need to watch this 1000x.
Patrick Thank You so much for this. I so appreciate the way you explain all your topicc what it is. How it plays out in our lives , what that looks like. and how to work with it
Your perspective on looking at the relationship we have with ourselves is so helpfull in how we chose to work on this. Thank you for explaining that we may find familiarity with more than one style depending on the relationship. I struggle so much with self identity and feelings of authenticity and I find your videos so helpful in working towards being able to identify and have a better understanding of myself. Self love can be recognizing that we are worthy of the attention it takes to do this work.Its hard to look within sometimes when you dont know exactly what it is your looking for and how to find it and recognize it when you do. You make things resonate deeply for me. So grateful to you for all the knowledge and expert help that you share with all of us. And Thanks for offering the course to therapists because a lot of them really do not know how to work with people deeply affected by childhood trauma and how it enters and plays out in the Therapeutic space. You are an amazing and special human being
Thank you. Feel less alone
So thankful for this channel ❤❤❤
super helfpful. A lot to take in and think about and practice
😕 How are you inside my head. You're seeing me more than my own psychologist
Wow, I'm fearful avoidant. I knew I was needy and anxious, but I didn't understand why I'd blow up and have a lot of arguments too. A roller coaster is painfully accurate.
How do we meet our needs for attachment? Thanks for another wonderful video! I appreciate what you do.
Maybe an example of healthy inner dialogue.
I love the inner child episodes! I would love to see more, maybe even another inner child meditation video.
You absolute gem thank you. ❤️
Yes truly amazing thanksso much!!
Brilliant content. Thank you, Patrick💖💐🎊👍
The visuals are really helpful 👍
First video I've watched, and already subscribed! Thank you!
I'm a bit of a nerd about attachment theory and I love to see an introductory video on adult attachment styles done right -- great video! Love the graphics. Trying to decide which of your book suggestions to start with. Anyone have any thoughts?
Hmm. Definitely avoidant here. Had to be independent as a kid because I didn’t know how to make friends, so I was often alone. Still don’t really know how to do that. I have friends, but none geographically close, and I need more local friends but am also insure how to make them. Most of my friends kind of adopted me, or at least were the ones to initiate the friendship. But I have also had only one romantic relationship that lasted like a week, and otherwise I assume no guy is going to be interested in me, because only that one guy ever was. And I tend to assume the same thing about non-romantic people, too, despite evidence to the contrary.
I adopted associates that I called friends. They were not reciprocal relationships, they were one-way, with me doing all the giving and psychological work adapting to their needs. Very expensive in many ways, and unfulfilling. I have since learned I am better off alone.
You have a unique, and very elegant way of explaining things. With every episode I'm left feeling understood. I can't put into words how grateful I am to have found your channel.
Oh how I wish you could be my therapist. When or if you're able to, I'd love advice on a couple reoccuring situations I find myself struggling with. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Diane
Here are the two books from the other video description about inner child work:
-MARGARET PAUL - INNER BONDING
-LUCIA CAPPACHIONE - RECOVERY OF YOUR INNER CHILD
Very helpful information, thank you so much. I “solved” this problem myself 40 years by deciding I was just unfit for any type of relationship at all, but I sure am lonely. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way?
You are simply amazing! 🙌🖤🔥🤘🔥💯👏
Thank you much for helping us with your knowledge and wisdom. They are not taken for granted. 🙏♥️✨
Patrick this info is invaluable
Dismissive avoidant. But, I just totally don't care about any romantic or sexual relationship... all I want is to have someone where I can be there for them if they're sick/injured/etc and *vice versa*. Someone to just grow old with and mutually care about and for each other. Being aro/ace actually kind of sucks, but I just don't experience romantic and sexual feelings -- I've tried. Several times. And I never feel a connection. This all significantly narrows down the dating pool. (and yes, hormones have all checked out within normal to optimal levels for my age).
Thanks for this video Patrick. I would love to see a video on this topic from a parent relationship perspective.
This is incredibly helpful……thank you so much…..
Thank you
I have CPTSD and PTSD from Military sexual trauma. I feel that I am Anxious Avoidance Attachment Style. I am in EMDR Therapy. My X was a Sex addict and the gaslighting provoked my triggers of Fight and Flight. I also had financial betrayal
Respect! Sharing with my son 💙
Thank you!
This would have been so helpful 38 years ago when I pursued an emotionally unavailable man-child, while I had enormous psychological issues myself due to extreme abuse from pre-birth to age 22.
But then I wouldn’t have have the children I have….!
Sadly it didn’t work out.
Multifaceted Process♡ *Gratitude