When the invisible child grows up...

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  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ธ.ค. 2024

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  • @ceilconstante7813
    @ceilconstante7813 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2130

    The invisible child is quiet and introverted to avoid the abuses. They stay out of the way and spend more time hidden in their room in introspection trying to figure out how to fix themselves so they can make the family happy.. Treated more like a servant than a child. This is the kid who's only friend is their pet. Being a scapegoat, the family shifts all their shame onto them.

    • @brettweary8491
      @brettweary8491 3 ปีที่แล้ว +62

      That was Me ceil

    • @haniffamatesa
      @haniffamatesa 3 ปีที่แล้ว +89

      I was the servant

    • @rethabile3540
      @rethabile3540 3 ปีที่แล้ว +36

      Same here,

    • @rturney6376
      @rturney6376 3 ปีที่แล้ว +118

      At one point, my dad tried to take the door off of my room, so I couldn’t “hid”. That was scary, because my solitude was the only thing I had.

    • @vanishreebhatt
      @vanishreebhatt 3 ปีที่แล้ว +35

      I agree. Your description is pretty accurate.

  • @josephuk2609
    @josephuk2609 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1455

    Does anyone feel like they were flipped between scapegoat and invisible child?

    • @LyndaHill
      @LyndaHill 3 ปีที่แล้ว +122

      Definitely. I can identify with both...

    • @gertrudewest4535
      @gertrudewest4535 3 ปีที่แล้ว +113

      Being treated as invisible is a form of cruelty

    • @MegaMARLEEN1
      @MegaMARLEEN1 3 ปีที่แล้ว +30

      Meeee

    • @Vercanya
      @Vercanya 3 ปีที่แล้ว +64

      I've read that children in narcissistic families can hold several roles. I myself started as a Lost Child but was made into the Scapegoat once our narcissistic dad left us and my sister wanted to keep her golden child role.

    • @goldieh7121
      @goldieh7121 3 ปีที่แล้ว +111

      I felt flipped between the invisible child, the scapegoat and the golden child. It just me depended on what served my parents at the time.

  • @divinedachosenone348
    @divinedachosenone348 3 ปีที่แล้ว +840

    Being the invisible child wires you to not need anyone. Ive been single for yrs and now i enjoy my peace. No one can hurt you when you don't allow them the access.

    • @lalinera8279
      @lalinera8279 2 ปีที่แล้ว +76

      I am in that space now. I don't have the desire to date, get married or have kids. I like my quiet, peaceful and stable life. No ups and downs caused by a relationship. I only deal with myself and I am loving it everyday. Exactly what you said, no one can hurt me!
      Sending you love 💛

    • @caucasianafrican1435
      @caucasianafrican1435 ปีที่แล้ว +38

      Ditto here. Being alone means no one to inflict emotional pain, betray, ignore, or humiliate me.
      It's just me and my two cats, neither of whom I'd ever treat like I was treated.

    • @georockstar09
      @georockstar09 ปีที่แล้ว +46

      I was like that too... now I want more out of life. It's not... fair that others get to be way happier while I'm stuck in survival mode

    • @michele33s68
      @michele33s68 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      But don't forget to rekindle the love in your heart.

    • @rturney6376
      @rturney6376 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Yes 🙌 Peace ☮️. I don’t have people to my home 🏡 who will judge.

  • @spunchhi999
    @spunchhi999 3 ปีที่แล้ว +442

    Invisible child is also an unwanted child,and that makes the child more susceptible to become an empath.
    They get everyone's point of view, but no one gets thief point of view. And they are so much used to adjusting, they adjust All the time.perfect narcissist supply

    • @raysmith5719
      @raysmith5719 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      So important when your the empathy in all of this to learn to take care of yourself. Don't let them kill u.

    • @jlcole300
      @jlcole300 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Totally agree with you, my mother is the narcissist (and gets worse as she ages) I think the only thing I can thank her for, is how much empathy I have.

    • @JumpAndStretch
      @JumpAndStretch 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      That rings true for me..

    • @sherrilynn8043
      @sherrilynn8043 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Yep! Agree

    • @oceangirl2661
      @oceangirl2661 2 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      You are so right. When I was about 9 years old my mother said "you are not what I wanted" and she cried. So I grew up with the feeling of being neglected and unwanted. When I went off to college I thought nobody would want to talk to me or be friends with me.

  • @perfectlyimperfect3333
    @perfectlyimperfect3333 3 ปีที่แล้ว +463

    Someone posted that having narcissistic parents is like having parents that throw you to the wolves then judge how and what you do to survive. This is why we were so quiet and withdrawn. To prevent this from happening once again.

    • @cacatr4495
      @cacatr4495 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      " having narcissistic parents is like having parents that throw you to the wolves then judge how and what you do to survive" >> Yep. But there comes a time when those narcissistic parents are gone, having lost everything, no more surviving themselves. They get old and die, and lose everything, including the truth they never had, because they rejected it.

    • @elisazouza
      @elisazouza 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      oooop me

    • @perfectlyimperfect3333
      @perfectlyimperfect3333 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@elisazouza BUT, you made it out. 😊💕💕 So glad that you did. 😊

    • @elisazouza
      @elisazouza 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@perfectlyimperfect3333 not yet sadly :( I’m still living with my parents, my dad isn’t like my mum who is the narcissist I just gotta escape and move out before it damages me more ♥️🥺🦋

    • @perfectlyimperfect3333
      @perfectlyimperfect3333 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      @@elisazouza don’t be scared. I know it is going to be difficult and it is going to hurt. It will not hurt as much as it does where you are now. Sometimes it feels like we have to give up everything to get away from this kind of person. But, you will find it was worth it. Hang in there, never give up. You are aware and healing. You did not turn out like them. Hugs💕❤️

  • @aprillove10
    @aprillove10 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1095

    You’re basically treated as a non person and have no opinion. You do what you’re told to do without question.
    You’re underestimated and disregarded.

    • @rturney6376
      @rturney6376 3 ปีที่แล้ว +26

      Well Said!! Sorry 😐 you had to go through this!!

    • @annoravetz6697
      @annoravetz6697 3 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      I wish I could copy this comment. This describes me, my boyfriend, my ex-husband, my high school friends. We were bound together by this pain.

    • @deanmoulton8994
      @deanmoulton8994 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      @@aprillove10 And the spirit can not be broken. We just don't know that when we are young.

    • @realhealing7802
      @realhealing7802 3 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      Yes! That sums up my whole life.

    • @kimberlyfowler840
      @kimberlyfowler840 3 ปีที่แล้ว +33

      Wow you just wrote my childhood story

  • @cfjohnson7369
    @cfjohnson7369 3 ปีที่แล้ว +517

    The invisible child is a low priority for school psychological services. They are quiet, try to always follow the rules, And try to not stand out in any way. I was so invisible that I did not know if I was short or tall, loud or quiet, a good student or a bad student.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      My son, although very vibrant and outgoing at home was extremely quiet but no trouble at all! Still they called me in, had him tested, as a teen social services were called, omg, they'd of been happier had he been bullying and said as much! 🤦

    • @HaleyMary
      @HaleyMary 3 ปีที่แล้ว +26

      I was outgoing at home with my parents and aunt, but very quiet when around my peers. I think it had to do with being bullied and never being comfortable being myself. I still feel more comfortable around people who are older than me rather than people my age and younger. Maybe I would be more outgoing among my peers if I was never bullied, but I'll never know.

    • @ashleeskhan4075
      @ashleeskhan4075 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Yup!!!!!! Understand this totally. Hugs.

    • @recoveringsoul755
      @recoveringsoul755 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I was bullied at school though, in elementary and jr. high. I think I was my normal self at home with people I knew

    • @annemccarron2281
      @annemccarron2281 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      12 years of school & never once raised my hand to answer a question. I knew my mother did not want me. She told me when I grew up she didn't want me to live in the same town.

  • @LoriGeminiTarot
    @LoriGeminiTarot 3 ปีที่แล้ว +709

    For those who see this: may you find inner peace, heal from past traumas, and embrace change 💕🙏

    • @sjholder1
      @sjholder1 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Amen 🙏

    • @sharleneprosk4512
      @sharleneprosk4512 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      Thank you !!

    • @rturney6376
      @rturney6376 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      Thank you 🙏!! ❤️❤️💕❤️💕💕

    • @ThesySurface
      @ThesySurface 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Embracing change by releasing all my work from 5-8 years :)

    • @susannesamuelsson2930
      @susannesamuelsson2930 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Thank you!❤

  • @lunacrossing9596
    @lunacrossing9596 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +43

    These kids tend to be the most gifted & talented of them all, but lack the nurture to actually flourish.

    • @hamidankhan8096
      @hamidankhan8096 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      So true

    • @vanessapetrea2490
      @vanessapetrea2490 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Facts!

    • @Dischargedisgust
      @Dischargedisgust หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      BIG FACTTTSSSSS

    • @vester7457
      @vester7457 7 วันที่ผ่านมา +2

      You're right. You may be high achieving academically but have no idea or instinct or skill in determining a career and flourishing in the work world. You end up being a high IQ underachiever.

  • @artisnotaboutart7832
    @artisnotaboutart7832 ปีที่แล้ว +404

    Too all the invisible children reading this. I see you and I love you. You survived, you are so incredibly special and I’m proud of you. ❤

    • @Plumduff3303
      @Plumduff3303 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      What a lovely thing to say thankyou

    • @awakenedsoul999
      @awakenedsoul999 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Thank you

    • @jennyjose8440
      @jennyjose8440 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      @ 7832
      Tears 😢 filled my eyes as i read those soul touching words " You survived, you are so incredibly special" 🙏 Thank you 💖

    • @iamwabisabi3711
      @iamwabisabi3711 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Thank you. Lovely message ❤

    • @susancolman7911
      @susancolman7911 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Thanks

  • @goodgracious6364
    @goodgracious6364 3 ปีที่แล้ว +662

    Plus an adult that was an "invisible child" tends to be uncomfortable receiving compliments or accolades. They tend to downplay their talents or contributions. They tend to be givers without expecting anything in return. They tend to "turn the other cheek" when people insult them or "suck it up" when they are hurt. These traits make prime targets for narcissists who are just fine with keeping a person feeling, behaving and looking like an invisible person.

    • @JohnLW100
      @JohnLW100 3 ปีที่แล้ว +34

      Then we must be twins. However, I rise to the occasion when I see bullying or other serious forms of abuse against underdogs in a situation.

    • @goodgracious6364
      @goodgracious6364 3 ปีที่แล้ว +48

      @@JohnLW100 -- Yes, oddly, for me, I used to stand up for others before I would stand up for myself!

    • @fastmail55
      @fastmail55 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Boy Howdy! Oh yea!

    • @smidget1029
      @smidget1029 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      Yes!!! 1000% correct

    • @cynsmi
      @cynsmi 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Wow, just wow.

  • @TimetoWonder222
    @TimetoWonder222 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +26

    Being the invisible child led me to hide in books. As an adult I am now an author and finally in my mid-50s starting to submit stories. I have not won a contest yet but cried happy tears whwn I received a Silver Honorable Mention from the Writers of the Future contest in 2023 and an Honorable Mention for 2nd quarter of 2024. The joy I felt was like I won. Hopefully I will win that contest or another eventually.

    • @LindseyDominguez
      @LindseyDominguez หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Congratulations! That’s a huge deal! Keep writing ❤

    • @maryyoung4046
      @maryyoung4046 8 ชั่วโมงที่ผ่านมา

      Congrats to you dear for being a writer!

  • @KarMicFox11
    @KarMicFox11 3 ปีที่แล้ว +221

    I was defiantly an invisible child. I'm still invisible at 41 because I'm not comfortable being visible.

    • @kims5561
      @kims5561 3 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      I was that way ALL. MY. LIFE. it was around 50 years old that i realized my narc no longer can control me, to shush me, to dictate to me. I AM a good person and have the right to be happy. Its a process, but in a nutshell, i had no more f*cks to give, what people think about me (or more accurately what i told myself they think about me). It is freeing! So put on that purple shirt with the red shorts and be SEEN!

    • @fastmail55
      @fastmail55 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@kims5561 Roger that!!!

    • @jordanbrown6253
      @jordanbrown6253 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      You are a beautiful creation, and you were made for a specific purpose. I hear you, and encourage you to love all that you are. You are worthy, and your life has meaning.

    • @iceangel1701d
      @iceangel1701d 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Aaargh! Me too!

    • @BBMc107
      @BBMc107 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      57 and friendless. Shocked I got married at all, to a covert narc, of course. He is not nearly as bad as my mother, so we get along.

  • @Plumduff3303
    @Plumduff3303 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    I've been invisible my whole life.

  • @aubreys1675
    @aubreys1675 3 ปีที่แล้ว +244

    Yes just because we have learned to be alone and feel safe being alone doesn’t mean we don’t want to be seen and connect with people. It just means it’s challenging and unnatural to do

    • @sherrilynn8043
      @sherrilynn8043 2 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Exactly!!!! Perfectly said!

    • @michellewall6748
      @michellewall6748 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      This is so true!Thankyou! 😊

    • @donwade9905
      @donwade9905 7 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      69 and I've given up trying.😊

    • @philippahall2510
      @philippahall2510 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Absolutely, but it’s time to rise up 🆙 our consciousness is riding in numbers, we will be seen, heard and acknowledged xxx

  • @ElRegulus
    @ElRegulus 3 ปีที่แล้ว +243

    I find the idea that invisible children may find it easier to break free of the family system to be so true. What do you owe people who never gave you anything, and never noticed you or your suffering?

    • @FebbieG
      @FebbieG 3 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      And there seems to be less hoovering.

    • @tia-flame
      @tia-flame 3 ปีที่แล้ว +18

      You ow them absolutely nothing! On the positive- you had the strength to break free!

    • @Morrosoy28
      @Morrosoy28 2 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      I agree, I was ignored and blamed for my brother. But now as an adult-I don’t care about them or their attempts to manipulate me.

    • @earthling8585
      @earthling8585 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Wow, it is so painfully true.
      I was left to my own devices.

    • @hautecouture2228
      @hautecouture2228 2 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      That is if you are aware of what’s going on. If you are not they will manipulate you with guilt and make you feel like you owe them for existing. Perfect target for lifetime of exploitation

  • @bonniel4325
    @bonniel4325 3 ปีที่แล้ว +342

    My father ridiculed my "invisible child" sister in front of his sister and her kids for being a bedwetter. That was brutal. My sister was deeply traumatized by it. She grew up to have narcissistic traits, lack of empathy, very entitled, impulsive. I was the punching bag. What kills me is adult family members who witness that brutality, and say nothing, just look the other way. Really, shame on my mother, and my father's family for not correcting him. He regularly spoke to us with contempt in public (a big red flag of abuse). His family would just laugh it off as if it were innocuous sarcasm. But we felt the stab of hatred in his words. It was a multitude of contemptuous and hateful things he said and did. The cursing, slapping and hair pulling, he did behind closed doors. He left so many psychic scars on all of us kids. A grown man treating little girls like that. My mother was vain, and a coward to keep him in our house.

    • @bropoke6799
      @bropoke6799 3 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      Sadly if he thinks its fine to treat his children like that he probably learned it from his own family. Only someone from the outside or someone inside who's seen the wrong in the situation are able to change things. Ive been on both ends. My mom is very narcissistic and my brother in law got my sister and i to "see the light". Im trying to get my bf to see how narcissistic his mom is but its extremely difficult to get ppl to see the truth unless theyre already on the verge of finding it. The narcissist will never change tho. The only way to really fix the situation is to put up serious boundaries or cut contact entirely

    • @bonniel4325
      @bonniel4325 3 ปีที่แล้ว +18

      @@bropoke6799 Yes, my "invisible child" sister always manipulated my mom by playing the poor neglected one. She had to learn how to manipulate my mom, just to have some sense of safety, but it caused her to become entitled. When I didn't go along with her attempts to control me, she would sic my mother on me. She learned by watching my father, how to treat me, like a stupid loser to be disrespected. Now that my parents have passed, she pitches a fit I try to lay down a boundary for my time and energy. Of course, as scapegoat, I was programmed that I am not deserving of consideration or respect, so I was not helping the situation with my people pleasing behaviors. I have gone no contact with that sister. Thanks for your reply. Thanks Dr. Ramani.

    • @firetopman
      @firetopman 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      God bless you, Bonnie. Don't let the monster steal your future. You are bigger than he is.

    • @dawnrobbins5877
      @dawnrobbins5877 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      Bonnie L, imagine how 'mental' one has to be to get their joy by beating up little girls. Yet, when they look in the mirror, they see a powerful, almighty ruler who commands respect...or better yet, fear. You survived that. That's an amazing feat. Your mom was terrorized too. But I agree that her cowardly behavior was almost as bad. You must have felt trapped with no safe place to turn.

    • @realhealing7802
      @realhealing7802 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Parents are supposed to protect ther children, especially mothers. It so sad that innocent children have to suffer for the decisions adults make. My mother didn't protect me either. The pain is real.

  • @ninah9412
    @ninah9412 3 ปีที่แล้ว +476

    "The ability to be alone and take care of yourself "....... This hit so hard on so many levels, my entire life explained in a 10 minute video .Thank you for your validation Dr. Ramani.

    • @wilmaboot
      @wilmaboot 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      I feel the same. Hugs👍

    • @lartisteautravail
      @lartisteautravail 3 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      I think a lot of friends seek us out for advice because they see us surviving isolation more handily than anyone they know and envy that strength. But it ain’t fun.

    • @Emma-Rose-Zajkowski
      @Emma-Rose-Zajkowski 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Yes I’m in the same boat as you

    • @annechen103
      @annechen103 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      @@lartisteautravail this is so true. I’m a therapist now. I’ve had to figure things out for so long on my own. Love having resources and theories to back it all up now.

    • @stolensilver6963
      @stolensilver6963 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      This is me, as a child I tried to blend in with the wallpaper. As an adult I prefer being alone, I like being anonymous, I hate being the centre of any attention. My ability to look after myself and go it alone has been a constant throughout my life. It’s taken me a very long time to realise my childhood was not normal and it has made me what I am.

  • @biancapierce639
    @biancapierce639 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +41

    I was an invisible child, who outshone the golden child when I moved to another (bigger) city and excelled in my career. It still hurt that I could never win my narcissistic mother's praise, no matter how much I achieved. At fifty I walked away from my mother and sister for good, by not going to my mother's big 80th birthday. My son pointed out to me - my absence made me the centre of attention for once in my life.

    • @ashmcgee5963
      @ashmcgee5963 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Ugh what a mess. Stay gone.

  • @joea1377
    @joea1377 3 ปีที่แล้ว +139

    I am a grown-up "invisible child." At 48, I'm still struggling to work it out. I was made "invisible" for years by classmates. Then, I made myself "invisible" because that's where I thought I belonged. It felt safe, yet lonely. I was brainwashed. I'm finally "waking up", but it's a process. Thank you for making me feel "visible" and relevant with this video, and educating people!

    • @jkcliff2956
      @jkcliff2956 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      I am a grown up invisible child too. It is an ongoing process.

    • @ebahapo
      @ebahapo ปีที่แล้ว +4

      It took me over a half century to get into the path of healing. You already realized that there’s a process, a way out of this role inflicted on you. Stick to this hope, especially in the low points of the process. It will pay off persevering in this hope. 🙏🏻

    • @queleene84
      @queleene84 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      I hope you are continuing your journey of healing

    • @joea1377
      @joea1377 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @@queleene84 thank you! That's super thoughtful of you! I have come a long way since this video.

    • @queleene84
      @queleene84 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @joea1377 I'm happy to hear that. I am doing a deep dive into Dr Ramani's content because of a child I love who has a narcissist for a mother and your comment really touched my heart. Keep growing and living your best life!

  • @bm3211
    @bm3211 3 ปีที่แล้ว +392

    I'm still amazed at how much information just 1 person has for narcissistic personality disorder. I love listening to you and the information you give is amazing.

    • @MrMalloryscarlett
      @MrMalloryscarlett 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Right??? I was always thinking, how long can she keep saying about this, but here we are lol

    • @MrMalloryscarlett
      @MrMalloryscarlett 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Not gunna lie, the traits i developed by being neglected are my favorite character defects to this day lol. Like if you're gunna drop the ball as a parent, go with some light to moderate neglect.

    • @joseenoel8093
      @joseenoel8093 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      We never close! 😘

    • @bm3211
      @bm3211 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      If only you would have seen these videos and listened to all the red flags before you met the person. SMH 🤦‍♀️
      Could of saved myself several years of wasting my time.

    • @OriginalSuperfreak
      @OriginalSuperfreak 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      She is a find 💜👌

  • @highway88hiking38
    @highway88hiking38 3 ปีที่แล้ว +168

    That was me. I was the invisible child. I still enjoy time alone as a 55 year old adult and have been able to have a much healthier outlook than my sister who turned out to be exactly like my mother. But it took a while. I still have family members , who believed the BS my mother fed them about me, say to me "you're doing very well in your career considering you were such a late bloomer". I want to grab them and explain what kind weight I was carrying around for the rest of the family. Because when I wasn't invisible I was everyone else's emotional tampon and none of them wanted to lose that and played every kind of gas light technique to keep me where I was. I guess I was a late bloomer but not because I chose that. But I'm so glad that I am now free from that.

    • @FeliciaLansborg
      @FeliciaLansborg 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      "Emotional tampon"

    • @denisem4575
      @denisem4575 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. It truly sounds like we have lived parallel lives. Reading someone else’s story that is so similar to mine has made me, in a way, feel less alone. These videos are a Godsend for me. The more I watch & read comments, the stronger I get mentally to hopefully get the courage to find a good therapist.

    • @patriciaswayne
      @patriciaswayne 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      late bloomers rock! I am almost 76 years old and beginning interning in a new (my third) career - alcohol and drug counseling - it is never too late! I am so grateful for who and where I am today and for you and your insight.

    • @cynthiafortier2540
      @cynthiafortier2540 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@patriciaswayne how do you become a drug and alcohol counselor. Live in Indiana, would love to help that way!!

    • @kauser1239
      @kauser1239 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Agree wholeheartedly, me too and the “emotional tampon”resonates, I used to describe myself as the dustbin or tissue to absorb and clean up other peoples mess or punch bag to take their anger out on meanwhile remaining quiet and staying calm. This is why I had so many health issues mainly food disorder and anxiety as you cannot process or talk about YOUR emotions or feelings

  • @mystical269
    @mystical269 3 ปีที่แล้ว +137

    I'm too an invisible child but I just focus on what I want in life and put on earphones and play song. and believe god is with me and would guide me.

    • @firetopman
      @firetopman 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Music is a good and reliable friend.

    • @sangeetasurvase1070
      @sangeetasurvase1070 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      I do the same thing

    • @sabat8068
      @sabat8068 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      That's really good that people can do it. I was too focussed on being sad and looking for someone to come and rescue me. Very helpless mentality i had.

    • @eddierayvanlynch6133
      @eddierayvanlynch6133 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Music always told me about the family I needed, but never made me feel ashamed about it. It was always a hopeful breath of fresh air to hear good stories about other people.
      A good set of headphones, some tunes, hit shuffle, and feel the relief, that's my prescription.
      Stay Strong 💪

    • @meg3839
      @meg3839 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Aren't headphones great for that? And don't give up. I definitely think He helped me get out and no doubt He'll help you too. Either way, you are loved.

  • @lilblizzy
    @lilblizzy 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +13

    I was always invisible until it was time for me to be used and abused. #Scapegoat

  • @sarcasticinfj5310
    @sarcasticinfj5310 3 ปีที่แล้ว +102

    Textbook invisible child here. So when my narcissistic mother told me she wanted an abortion when she was pregnant with me, she actually expected me to feel sorry her as abortion was illegal at the time. She couldn't understand why I was hurt by that - what? this isn't about you, it's about me! Also, in that very moment when she said it all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I understood why I have always felt like an unwelcome guest in my childhood "home".

    • @smji5269
      @smji5269 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      For me I was my mother's scapegoat she hated my guts my entire life but I was completely invisible to my narc dad. One day when I was 20 he told me that he wanted me aborted and she refused because of religion. It answered all of my questions, why he always pretendes like I don't exist and why she was always punishing me for existing.

    • @pc_hmk2204
      @pc_hmk2204 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      same my mom said she never wanted to have 2nd child only gave birth because of my father and he said he only wanted 2nd child so my elder sister won't get spoiled. but she's golden spoiled kid. and i remember those words evertime my sister is being selfish narc. she even have nerve to talk about me being selfish when i'm only trying to think one fking time for my own good.😂 this words hurts especially more if you are invisible kids and only become visible when they need something from you. otherwise you are like a toy which is thrown in back of cupboard.

    • @Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl
      @Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      You are very welcome into this world! Thank you for being born! You are very important and we are all connected!!
      Take the best care of yourself as it is the most important thing you can do. Then when you overflow with love you give it to people in need. 💙💙💙

    • @SoulSeeker2025
      @SoulSeeker2025 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      My mom did the same thing to me when i was a teenager with anger and hate. Then self- pity.

    • @trapkass3496
      @trapkass3496 หลายเดือนก่อน

      !!!

  • @jordanbrown6253
    @jordanbrown6253 3 ปีที่แล้ว +214

    The invisible child is usually the ugly duckling, they grow into a beautiful swan that has no idea what they are. No idea of their potential, and how to harness it.
    When I was young I would get headaches because I was too afraid to ask for water. I couldn't advocate for myself, and I struggle to do that till this day.
    My therapist will remind me that I am important and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing that, because I feel exposed and selfish.
    I'm very grateful for this video, I relate to every word. Therapy made a huge difference, and I would encourage everyone to find someone to talk to. It may take a few tries, because some therapists wont get it, and sometimes we cover up the pain we endure because we dont want to upset the status quo. Learning to be totally honest about ourselves with someone we can truly trust is liberating.

    • @mattstiefel4806
      @mattstiefel4806 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      Comments like this are nudging me toward therapy - thank you for that. I'm very aware of the dynamics at play, but I've built up so many harmful beliefs that are hard to shake at 32.
      You mention feeling "exposed and selfish." What's up with narcs calling children selfish? Anytime I dared to express an unacceptable feeling or need to my parents, I was called spoiled and selfish. If I failed to express a need to someone outside the family, I was told to stand up for myself more. Being pulled in two very different directions by the same people really messed with me.
      I saw how my mom would lord her success over me as a kid, telling me that I would never have any of it. I never wanted to be like that to anyone. It's hard to be ambitious when I feel like I'd be giving in to that type of thinking. At this point, I'll consider myself a success if I never make a child feel the way I did/do.

    • @recoveringsoul755
      @recoveringsoul755 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      I would frequently get bloody noses growing up. Just out of the blue. When it happened in class, I was too afraid to draw attention to myself so I didn't tell anyone. I just looked up at the ceiling, and waited for it to stop. Did not ask to go to the bathroom because I did not want to draw attention to myself. Mrs. White, 3rd grade. She was a witch.
      One time she passed out workbooks, but she told us not to write in them. I guess I forgot, because, well, its a WORK BOOK!! There were questions and blanks to fill in and multiple choice and connect the lines to the correct answer. I got consumed with doing the work.... I had a freshly sharpened pencil in my MOUTH with the pointy end touching the roof of my mouth. Mrs. White was walking up and down the aisles of desks, she came up behind me, saw I had written in the WORKBOOK and completely by surprise she smacked the back of my head, and it drove the pencil into the roof of my mouth. I was shocked and just sitting there with my mouth open and the pencil dangling there. Then she yelled at me and told me to erase my marks. I don't think she ever knew what she did to me.
      Bad things happened to me outside the home, but when I told my mom about it, I don't think she ever did anything about it, and I don't think she even told my dad. I think my father WOULD have done something, I should have told him. It sucks growing up and knowing that you don't REALLY have anyone who will really be there for you no matter what.

    • @skinnyway
      @skinnyway 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      therapy isnt free.

    • @vmandelaris200
      @vmandelaris200 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Oh God. You're comment made me remember I was too scared to walk in the kitchen--i would get harassed that I was stealing food or yelled at that i didn't need food--- to get water so instead I would cup my hand and drink from the bathroom faucet. The memories you repress just to survive a scapegoat/invisible childhood

    • @zionsgirl6456
      @zionsgirl6456 2 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I would endure much pain & suffering as well because I didn't want to cause any issues

  • @SusanTedder
    @SusanTedder ปีที่แล้ว +65

    After my parents passed away, I began looking at old family photos. I found a prom picture for every child (taken at home before leaving for the prom) except for me. And then I remembered my prom night. My Mom had a church meeting which she did not want to give up, and my Dad was repairing televisions in the basement (his evening job). Neither one met my date when he rang the doorbell. There was no picture taking. I was very quiet and shy, and stayed in my room a lot at home. I did avoid some of the abuse. My older brother received most of that (from my Dad). It has taken me most of my adult life to realize that these things were not my fault. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Later in life, when my son was young, I would not leave him alone with my Mom and Dad (if I could help it). I remembered some of their dynamics, and did not want to subject him to those. He was a precious little boy who did not deserve to be yelled at or criticized constantly. He is now a grown man, and I hope and pray I raised him in an emotionally healthy home. I tried!

  • @GF-lr2mh
    @GF-lr2mh 3 ปีที่แล้ว +182

    I'm in tears. This is exactly what happened good and bad.

    • @lisasteel1575
      @lisasteel1575 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Me too. This one is really close to the bone.

    • @breezythegreat2495
      @breezythegreat2495 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I see you and hear you. You deserve more.

    • @lisasteel1575
      @lisasteel1575 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@breezythegreat2495 ❤️

    • @lilly7908
      @lilly7908 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Me too no more wondering conformation a place to start.

    • @lilly7908
      @lilly7908 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@lisasteel1575 well put! Yes it's deep.. coming out of it holly smoks.

  • @ennvee3354
    @ennvee3354 3 ปีที่แล้ว +106

    For 70 years I was invisible, and what it has taught me is, how to be patient, and to look for the good in my life, and in others, plus, after studying, Personality Disorders,(from the DSM-5,and yours and others videos)for the last three years, and while I wish that I had understood what was going on sooner, I’m more than grateful to understand what was going on now, and to value the person that I have become. 💪🏽💐Thanks.

    • @jenniferg6818
      @jenniferg6818 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I love this. I am 50, and newly grateful I learned when I did, since your comment. Thank you.

    • @9000ck
      @9000ck ปีที่แล้ว +2

      This a beautiful and mature comment.

    • @ayeshasajid1833
      @ayeshasajid1833 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      More power to you!!

    • @fiveplustwo10
      @fiveplustwo10 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      wow. truly incredible inspiration, as the invisible child and scapegoat myself that is now an adult reconizing these realities, makes me feel like can I hold onto the value of who I have become from these it, no matter how painful. my heart is deeply moved, thank you

    • @ariseshinesj
      @ariseshinesj ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Thank you for sharing. You are beautiful and strong. So am I.❤

  • @theruminator7419
    @theruminator7419 3 ปีที่แล้ว +69

    The Silver Lining is true of the Invisible Child. Even the adult codependent can be quite comfortable with being alone and pretty ok in adverse circumstances. Invisible Adult Children can be resourceful and resilient. Difficulties lie in attachment and self-esteem.

    • @baileyjohn5010
      @baileyjohn5010 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      I LOVE this ... so true

    • @DebraBing
      @DebraBing 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Being comfortable in adverse situations, is cold comfort if you are there because you can never be okay in any other circumstance. One is chosen and the other is a prison.

  • @realhealing7802
    @realhealing7802 3 ปีที่แล้ว +85

    I am the invisible/ scapegoated child in the family. I always felt left out. There are so many secrets and lies in a narcissistic family system. I finally went no contact when I realized nothing was ever going to change. I wasted decades on a family system that only caused me pain.

    • @susannesamuelsson2930
      @susannesamuelsson2930 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Dito that! I newer felt worthy or that i belonged in my family!

    • @koolbeans8292
      @koolbeans8292 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      I too came from that perfectly looking but dysfunctional on the inside family.
      Dropped them all at age 60. The golden girl died of a heart attack last fall and they had the gall to try and contact me. I did not send condolences I did not call. that’s their card.
      I was the subject at their gossip table too often. They should’ve me to the end of the line too many times.

    • @susannesamuelsson2930
      @susannesamuelsson2930 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@koolbeans8292I feel for you and I have done what you did much to late in life. No toxic nasty people will be tolerated in my life no more. They have robbed me of so much life and living already...

    • @koolbeans8292
      @koolbeans8292 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Susanne Samuelsson
      I got a dr’s degree in chiropractic at age 40.
      Look at me now mom, mom, “SO” “big deal,”
      “You have become so arrogant and Now you think you are better than the rest of the kids with that piece of paper.”
      All 24 years in practice I felt that I wasn’t worthy of this position? Always afraid that I was going to take more than my share.
      Are people really listening to me? Wow.
      Because I got accused of being so damn selfish. By my parents. When I now find out it was only projections. They didn’t find the time to come to my graduation when they had the time and the means. But they both made it through eighth grade and quit high school in 10th grade. And blame, Blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame,. Gossip and blame.
      Took me 60 years to find out my parents are nothing but junk.

    • @susannesamuelsson2930
      @susannesamuelsson2930 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@koolbeans8292 It took me over 50 years to figure out the real truth... My mother never loved me when she was drunk she told me that I was a misstake too! I think i have tried to compensate for being that misstake my whole life. Congratulations to what you have achieved in your life and I'm happy for you and you are enough just as you are! Love, Susanne. 👋😊👍❤🥰🤗

  • @tp8615
    @tp8615 3 ปีที่แล้ว +77

    that was a bar and a half at the end
    "no greater agony than bearing an unseen reality"

    • @antoinetterivera7565
      @antoinetterivera7565 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      ...yes, that winded me.

    • @tp8615
      @tp8615 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@antoinetterivera7565 she must read a lot, to be so literally sound.
      i'm so lazy to read

    • @Helen-nv8el
      @Helen-nv8el 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Sad but very true for me. The hurt was overwhelming.

  • @chocolate-eq6jn
    @chocolate-eq6jn 3 ปีที่แล้ว +184

    Being an invisible child can set you up for being the scapegoat as an adult. You are already discounted by your family to begin with, so if you have a strong sense of self, and your family feels threatened by that (by your being "different'), watch out! You'll be considered an "outlier", and since they now think that something is "wrong with you", this lays the groundwork for you being abused; especially if you do something that the family doesn't agree with, or that they find to be morally repugnant. You will be punished, ostracized and possibly removed from the family. You make it official by going "no contact". But were you ever a part of the family, anyway? It still hurts though, and the grief is real and lasts a long time.

    • @recoveringsoul755
      @recoveringsoul755 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      this

    • @s.s.8029
      @s.s.8029 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I can see this in my husband who was never really encouraged to do what he wanted to do,but has always done what everyone else wants him to do. It is quite sad that I don't think he even knows who he is because he mirrors everyone he is around. He has three younger sisters who always have the spotlight so he has grown up in the shadow of them. It is so difficult to watch this and not make him see what has happened all his life. He is emotionally abusive to me, but to him it is "normal" since that is what he grew up with. I have not let him into me head or heart like I used to. I keep thinking that if he would let go of his family, then our lives would be so much better. Not sure how the story ends, but I am taking it day by day.

    • @chocolate-eq6jn
      @chocolate-eq6jn 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@s.s.8029 My husband is not abusive (although there is a spectrum of dysfunctionality and neglect). He had a similar background to your husband's, in that he was never allowed to have a voice. This resulted in an eating disorder, workaholism, with covert incest from his mother being a contributing factor. His high level of "agreeableness" has caused problems for him and for our marriage (see Dr. Todd Grande, Ph.D.). So, I basically gave him an ultimatum, and he has been in therapy and working with a dietician to gain weight. He had to want this to save our marriage. I also see my faults more clearly, and know that we still have a ways to go. Are you comfortable with telling your husband to get therapy due to the abuse? And what about you?

    • @s.s.8029
      @s.s.8029 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@chocolate-eq6jn I am glad that your husband is getting help and I pray for your continued journey. My husband was more of a husband to his mother and a father to his sisters, so it has caused major problems in our marriage with his sisters trying to care for him as their father (I was never liked because I "stole" their big brother from them). Once or twice I suggested marriage counseling (which I know is not always reccomended in abusive situations), he briefly agreed, but then decided that we didn't need it. The money thing was always an issue, too. He has not worked on our marriage at all in 22 years. I did try to leave right before COVID hit, but I stayed and I am glad that I did because I was able to stay at home with our three older sons while he continued to work. I know that I can leave in the future. I realize that he has no spine and no concept of who he truly is (only what everyone expects him to be). I lived that way for almost 16 years before I awoke to the fact that I wasn't me anymore. Now that I have ME back, I feel so much better. No more people pleasing and I know who I am and where I am headed. I did do free therapy for 5 sessions and it helped greatly. She was amazed at how far I had come on my own. I do have supportive people around me who see the dysfunction. I know my own flaws, but have learned to embrace them and am working on them. Thank you for your insights. I am not sure that he would ever do therapy, for multiple reasons.

    • @chocolate-eq6jn
      @chocolate-eq6jn 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@s.s.8029 Thank you for your kind words and keeping me in your prayers. I will remember you, as well.

  • @patriciajohnson4465
    @patriciajohnson4465 3 ปีที่แล้ว +38

    As tears stream down my face I write to tell you how much your work means to me. I will turn 60 years old in 1 month and have just come to realize I am the invisible child. Every video brings more knowledge be it somewhat painful, it is a relief. My father was the narcissist. I married a narcissist and finally after 25 years took a leap of faith and left Mr. Narcissist. I don’t know what healing will look like but I’m on my way and free. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

    • @elaera
      @elaera ปีที่แล้ว +1

      You sound amazing, I hope it’s been getting better for you in the last few years❤

    • @CanadianBear47
      @CanadianBear47 ปีที่แล้ว

      congrats.

  • @D00R
    @D00R 3 ปีที่แล้ว +180

    Sounds like a lot of friends I had growing up who came from single mother homes. Those kids were so quiet and beaten down, they were like ghosts or shadows.
    One boy who stood out was a very talented artist, all he did was draw during class. He had the most absences in school but he won the art award out of the entire graduating class because his art teacher took notice of his talent even though he barely showed up to school. His own father said when they called his sons name he couldn’t believe it and his mother didn’t even go to the ceremony. This kid would build life sized dinosaurs and movie monsters when he was 11 and costumes and his mother would damage them as an excuse to throw it all away. I remember how talented he was, we all would make monster movies together with his creations and help him build it. No photos were ever taken by his single mom. She would just scream at him for making a mess which he always cleaned just to get us out of her house or backyard, he became more and more isolating that he dropped out of school when he was 12.
    Last I saw him he was with a girl who was very abusive to him and kept him from all of us. He let go of his dreams and vanished out of everyone’s lives. It’s a shame how an extremly talented kind kid can be pummeled down by horrible parenting that they end up in relationship as adults with someone similar to there abusive parent that it stunts there life. His mother single handled ruined that kid and his dad divorced her and was to much of a wimp to protect his own sons upbringing from that psychopath.

    • @adelai3795
      @adelai3795 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      Invisible child here, whose mom did the exact same thing to me. Nothing like having my six foot long dragon puppet kicked to shreads for « being in the way and looking bad anyway ». I am now a professional in the film industry and have worked several art departments. It is possible to live the dreams. Please let him know that he is an adult and can even have an entire art room if he wants. I just got mine, and I lock it because it makes me feel good that my art is protected.

    • @jackedkerouac4414
      @jackedkerouac4414 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      What a sad story of wasted talent. With love and support I bet he could've headed an animation studio or something.

    • @universaltruth2025
      @universaltruth2025 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      That is really sad. I often think that sons of narcissistic solo mothers must just have a hellish time. Women already have the upper hand with regard to relationship manipulation skills let alone holding all the other cards with it (victimhood status society gives to solo mothers - sorry but its true), women’s rights, targeting of men, particularly white men. I have noticed men often seem to end up with a partner who mirrors their mother’s treatment of them. My nephew is a tall v handsome nice young man. He married a short fat vitriolic borderline young woman. No one can really understand why. But I know why, I saw how his narcissistic mother treated him when he was just a young child. He had a younger sister and she was the golden child and he was the black sheep and scapegoat. His father and mother were together but his father was a pushover and allowed the mother to verbally abuse him. Then when his sister was 9 and he was 11 or 12, they got into a car accident and the sister was killed. Suddenly he became the golden child instead. And over the years he developed a few narcissistic tendencies but I think the effect of being verbally abused in his early years stayed with him.

    • @universaltruth2025
      @universaltruth2025 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      @tsuba666 No we are not carte blanche blaming solo mothers. Of course there are mothers who are doing a great job and who are struggling with getting everything done. And no the abusive fathers don’t get a free pass either. It is just being noted that there ARE also abusive solo mothers who do have a damaging impact on their children and there is very little to buffer children from that abuse. And that side of solo parenting is not often acknowledged - and the psychological damage to the children goes unseen and unacknowledged. And partly that IS because there has been a trend in society in recent years to uphold an image of mothers - and solo mothers, as long suffering paragons of virtue. When the reality is that is certainly not always the case. And perhaps young boys who do not have fathers in their lives fulfilling the role of positive male role model will suffer greatly but silently as a result of that.

    • @hazor777
      @hazor777 ปีที่แล้ว

      @tsuba666Spoken like a true female would say. Bravo, Congrats , “you go gurl!” Etc. etc . Etc. - perhaps , a lot of times “absent” men left bc the manipulative mother brainwashed the kid against them, most likely the court system sided w/ the bat shit crazy mother and the father’s rights were destroyed (oh, except , of course , financing more abusive motherhood/parenting), - Though it may be a “pipe dream”with regards to how dysfunctional society is today: no kid reaps the complete benefits of a healthy upbringing,being raised by a single mother - a “home” is far better environment with a father / masculine influence (the ideal type , not passive or weak)Your comment clearly displays (subtly , of course) narcissistic attitudes and behavior. The degree to which you respond to this , will leave NO DOUBT.

  • @DebraBing
    @DebraBing 3 ปีที่แล้ว +247

    Dr Ramani, it would be great if you could talk about the overlapping roles of the scapegoat and the invisible child. The children for who their dual roles are to be invisible, except for those moments when they are required to take the blame for the dysfunction of the family system. What is the long term effect of this?

    • @suzannepipho4737
      @suzannepipho4737 3 ปีที่แล้ว +25

      Yes, please address this question! I would like to know too.

    • @susannesamuelsson2930
      @susannesamuelsson2930 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      Me too!

    • @skinnyway
      @skinnyway 3 ปีที่แล้ว +51

      I can tell you the long term affect - we become isolated because we arent allowed to learn anything and eventually hate everyone because its not just our family that treats us this way. Bosses will, so called friends will....

    • @rturney6376
      @rturney6376 3 ปีที่แล้ว +34

      The effect is that we are afraid of being scapegoated all throughout life - career, friends, in public

    • @M.j.7
      @M.j.7 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Thank you for this comment!!!

  • @sthekidd1093
    @sthekidd1093 3 ปีที่แล้ว +127

    I was the invisible child and am now a very Independant capable person. A surviver! I have had a lot stolen from me but God promises to pay his children back double what has been stolen. I am grateful that I am a child of The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. The ultimate Father that will never leave or forsake me. 💝

    • @jacquelinefroehle5868
      @jacquelinefroehle5868 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      Yes!! When we learn to put our Faith and Trust in God....and stop caring what 'people did to us'....it changes our lives. The more we focus on being 'invisible'....the more invisible we become....we play into the hands of those that did not love us. GOD IS LOVE...and God loves us dearly ALL THE TIME,...and that is Enough.

    • @joshua5857
      @joshua5857 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Amen! 🙏

    • @savannanicole1981
      @savannanicole1981 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Yes!!! God revealed to me who my mother was and I had to let her go but even after I saw who she truly was when I was no longer blind I still couldn’t. I still wanted to fix her. I couldn’t get her out of my life so he removed her for me for my protection. I gave my life to Jesus and im no longer a victim of my past. I never thought I was ever going to get out of the darkness and not live in my past but he showed me the light! ❤️

  • @craigsmith1365
    @craigsmith1365 3 ปีที่แล้ว +16

    I have my garden and it keeps me centered.

  • @maureenduffy6024
    @maureenduffy6024 ปีที่แล้ว +26

    I’m so deeply touched by your sadness for invisible children. I am 74 now and am still sad that even my teachers ever wondered what was wrong with me. Maybe teachers are more aware of the mental health of children now. Once a year on my birthday my parents would have to really scratch their brains to come up with something to say to me before I blew out the candles. Then they would say “Maureen, you have such beautiful eyebrows and such beautiful handwriting!” That’s the only time I was noticed until my birthday rolled around and then they would repeat exactly what they said the year before because they hadn’t learned a thing a out me. My birthday is coming up and I always remember this. My parents are long gone but still I remember the sad invisible little girl.

    • @Dianadistrei
      @Dianadistrei ปีที่แล้ว +3

      My parents don't know a single thing about me. I even tell them stories about my child self and they don't know a thing, sometimes they lie and add more to the story, but yeah... the birthday thing trigfered me. You have such red hair. And You don't drink any soda...
      I'm 35 and I've tried to go deep into these issues so that I can heal, but it torments me so much that I can only check stuff once a month, if Even...

    • @phyllisandpaullenz4461
      @phyllisandpaullenz4461 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      My parents were extremely busy with 6 children jobs, and runnin a small farm. Dispite all this, they were very involved in helping others and work days at church camp and had guests for lunch on Sundays. I believe the narcissistic abuse came from my older sister who resented taking care of all the "babies" of which I was number 5, only 8 years younger than her. My sister 13 months older than me was also neglected but became more of the scapegoat and is now a classic narcisists herself. I don't even remember my birthdays except one with my sisters and a neighbor boy as a picnic in the yard ( we had a picture of it ). But I do think my teachers were somewhat aware and were extra kind to me whenever I acted out in school. I was very shy and did things sneakily during recess. That was my saving grace because had they called me out in public, I would have been devastated. Educaters all through my school years and even 2 years of college were afirming and gave me reason tokeep going. ( then I married a narissist which I only recently figured out ).

    • @Dianadistrei
      @Dianadistrei ปีที่แล้ว

      @@phyllisandpaullenz4461 thank You for sharing!
      I am afraid of marriage myself... did You manage to recover a bit tho?
      I currently suffer from mental illness, so I'm not that much of a "survivor", but, yeah, it takes it's toll...

    • @phyllisandpaullenz4461
      @phyllisandpaullenz4461 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@Dianadistrei I only discovered what a narcisissist is about three years ago after a Summer with a narciissitic daughter and that led me to learn about childhood trauma cptsd triggers and characteristics. After constantly watching TH-cam I have learned most struggles with my marriage of 51 years are the same. I tend to have attracted those kind of people all my life and I believe my people pleasing and not sticking up for myself actually makes them become narcissistic. I am trying to recover; not sure I can without getting some theraphy. But I did go no-contact with two sisters after they sucked me into their traps two times last Summer. That's a start. I am attending a group of seniors at my new church and am trying to shed some of my odd social behaviors. I see little improvements that are encouraging.

    • @wen6519
      @wen6519 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      You are also an elocuent person who can share deeply touching stories with brevity and clarity. I felt like I was there while reading your comment.

  • @deathrowinmate28
    @deathrowinmate28 2 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Wow ..... this explains a lot!!!
    I was gifted at soccer, my parents never came to watch me play as a child.
    I was offered a position on an A Grade team and my father abused the life out of me because Mum and him were too busy to take me to games.
    I quit soccer.
    Mum and Dad are in their 90s and I am in my mid fifties.
    I found old clippings from the newspaper about my soccer achievements.
    I showed my mother and she said she didn't know anything about my soccer playing.
    A clairvoyant once told me I would have made it to the top in sport, she told me I was a fool to quit.
    No ..... I was and still am ......The Invisible Child.
    I dream of what could have been.

  • @chloecyana4391
    @chloecyana4391 3 ปีที่แล้ว +109

    I definitely resigned to the strategy of invisibility to survive. I used to compete with a narcissistic sibling for my parent's attention, but then conceded that tactic because it was exhausting. I have to admit that, even though I now have an amazing chosen family, I do struggle with intense bouts of loneliness. Being seen by loving people is wonderful, but it's also a painful foil that makes it even more clear to me just how neglected I was growing up.

    • @disaj7460
      @disaj7460 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I'm sorry for your experience. So glad you've chosen a lovely set of ppl as your fam. Perhaps someday, you'll be able to share your truth with your biofamily. At the very least, they'll hear you say why you feel the way you do...without their ridiculous theories, narratives or gossip. Your truth, your way. God richly bless you! 🤗

    • @FeliciaLansborg
      @FeliciaLansborg 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      I used to think the calm way my friends parents spoke to them was fake, that as soon as I left they would yell and throw things. As a young adult I used to praise my friends for how softly they spoke to their kids and what amazing parents they were, and they would tell me they're not, this is normal, this is how you speak to your kids. When I finally realized my head exploded. Still can't quite understand what it would be like to belong to a loving, supportive family. Haven't gotten there yet. Hope I will someday.

    • @eddierayvanlynch6133
      @eddierayvanlynch6133 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      @@FeliciaLansborg
      I was probably 14 before I realized most of my friends didn't live in a battlefield.
      I remember finding that strange; I guess I assumed *everyone* was living a lie. But since I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop, it was just filed away with other observations.

    • @cacatr4495
      @cacatr4495 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@disaj7460
      Just a word. I would not expect an abusive biofamily to be willing to hear a grown child share their truth or why they feel the way they do, and even less so without their ridiculous theories, narratives or gossip. They are who and what they are; abusers are truly messed up, and they are rarely willing to hear anything. I would discourage people from having that expectation or hope. Because those abusive parents/family are in captivity to their corruption, having such hopes most often results in great disappointment and more grief for the child/grown child. One should be realistic, distancing themselves from the abuse, and stay away from them. That was the same realization I had to come to; my heart was wanting loving parents, to try yet again with them, but in seeking wise counsel at the right time, I realized it would have been a big mistake to put my heart on the line again to those people that had long proven themselves untrustworthy and violational. One has to understand they're messed up, big time.

    • @disaj7460
      @disaj7460 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@cacatr4495 Well said, indeed. I sigh in resignation to your pragmatic appeal. On one hand, to have the narcisos sit, listen & understand your position...well it would be great, even hopeful. On the other, to re-expose yourself to (almost assured) pain through that familiar abuse/neglect/invisibility seems masochistic & self-destructive. Maybe erring on the side of self-preservation (through distancing) really is the way to go. It's the built-up hope of some sort of resolution, reconciliation or even catharsis (in sharing the truth)...that can lead to dashed expectations & great disappointment...sadly. Thanks for weighing in...much appreciated.

  • @nicselectronics81
    @nicselectronics81 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    I've been invisible so long that i'm learning to build myself up all by myself. I see how weak and insecure my parents were that's why they tried to steal it from me.

  • @emilyloucks5907
    @emilyloucks5907 3 ปีที่แล้ว +33

    This is my husband. The Invisible Middle. Just a couple days ago he finally said "I only want things in my life which bring me joy." and decided to cut and run. 🥰 Now he has the long but delicious, fruitful road of discovering what that means. I guess we all do, we're all in this together. 🖤

    • @deelight9963
      @deelight9963 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

      ❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉you gave him what he needed ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  • @maybelleadams8466
    @maybelleadams8466 3 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    I was the truthteller in my family and I am proud to say that I raised the invisible child. I made sure he was seen and heard and felt loved. He is now grown and thriving. I am so proud of him. So proud.

    • @Kristina-tp2it
      @Kristina-tp2it 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      My twin brother! Made me feel seen and heard.

  • @smokee6269
    @smokee6269 3 ปีที่แล้ว +121

    Fucking deep. This shit almost made me cry...From a 41 yr old woman born in a Hindu culture, family and religion. So hard trying to stop this cycle. But it has with me. ☝️☄❤

    • @fastmail55
      @fastmail55 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Yes, it is deep! I felt like my life was being described.

    • @taurusrising5521
      @taurusrising5521 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Indian families and their constant need to control each other’s life is so damaging. Being in an Indian family that is Narcissistic is so disappointing.

    • @sarahviktoria8494
      @sarahviktoria8494 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I come from the very middle (4th daughter) of an orthodox Mormon family which resulted in 7 daughters (no brothers), a very mean and narcissistic father and neglectful mother. Even now (42 yo) I struggle with the push/pull of wanting to express myself but also feeling like I honestly do not matter in this world. I can relate to almost everything Dr is saying.

    • @rebelgirl7289
      @rebelgirl7289 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@sarahviktoria8494 You DO matter in this world. I understand because I felt that way my whole life. I'm 65. I'm learning now how we were made to feel that way, but we are so much more than that. You have a lot to offer and say.

    • @merrynethery5853
      @merrynethery5853 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      From Southern Baptist here. No children...buck stops here. Good for all of us to celebrate our knowledge and achievements in getting our lives in order. Knowledge is powerful.

  • @HeyMykee
    @HeyMykee 3 ปีที่แล้ว +57

    I was the scapegoat, but I largely live as an adult the way you describe here for the invisible child. I think self-chosen invisibility was my survival strategy in childhood. Fortunately I discovered Stoicism and Assertiveness and practiced them both and learned to take care of myself against aggressive people. To stand up for myself.

  • @l.g.4075
    @l.g.4075 3 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    And some are invisible AND a scapegoat.

  • @RhondaW64
    @RhondaW64 3 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    (waving hands in the air, jumping up and down) Here I am, see me, do you see me, do you hear me? As a child I remember standing behind my mother's chair as she visited with family, silently, moving as little as possible, not being seen, not being heard. I was a very good statue. Thank you Dr. Ramani for seeing me.

  • @LValley-kz3yc
    @LValley-kz3yc 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +11

    As the only female, I was blessed with the roles of scapegoat, invisible and slave. I could actually watch the mess from a distance. This helped me to detach from them as an adult. This gave me a business, ability to travel the world and balance between work and life. After 40 years they wanted be back to take care of them. MY CHOICE WAS NO.

  • @kdmbiotch
    @kdmbiotch 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    You're gifted. No PHD gives you these skills.

  • @ghuyakalika
    @ghuyakalika 3 ปีที่แล้ว +82

    Aren't all children of narcissistic parents invisible and unseen?
    My siblings and I were all shy.

    • @patricknelson1471
      @patricknelson1471 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      there is a probability but theres also the golden child and the emotional punching bag

    • @rturney6376
      @rturney6376 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      The narcissistic siblings in my family are very extroverted and crave power and control at all times.

    • @om617yota8
      @om617yota8 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      Not really. Some are put on a pedestal, as a vicarious replacement for the narc themselves. Others are the punching bag, who are blamed for all that goes wrong.

    • @alysencameron361
      @alysencameron361 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      The layers need to be explained separately because of the complications within each. One child can be invisible, golden and scapegoat by the narcissistic adult.

    • @mariaglass2968
      @mariaglass2968 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      I was the scapegoat. Trust me, I often wished as a child I had been invisible.

  • @ginastraw1087
    @ginastraw1087 3 ปีที่แล้ว +67

    This is spot on. I was the invisible child and at times was not invisible which included abuse. How I am now just makes sense. Thank you Doctor. ❤️

  • @calling_miss_gaby1292
    @calling_miss_gaby1292 3 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    I grew up invisible. My mother was very loving but she had my older brother who was attention seeking and my father a very conflictive and rage full narcissist. She told me, “I didn’t worry too much about you because I knew you’d be taking care of your homework/tasks just fine,” but I still needed her. Today I am cultivating my needs and talents. I haven’t been this peaceful… well since I can remember the fights and screaming of my parents. Today I’m so happy to be finding out my talents and dreams and I’m so excited to go forth! Thank you for your kind words of wisdom Doc!

  • @cristinagonzalez6591
    @cristinagonzalez6591 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    I was the invisible child but then I was treated like the scapegoat because I was a very good student and also very good at sports. I went through therapy and remember telling the therapist that nobody was hearing my voice or noticed me in social groups.

  • @kerinbunstock
    @kerinbunstock 2 ปีที่แล้ว +24

    Thank you for this. I like to focus on my independence and resilience, but I cannot deny the pain that comes from lack of acknowledgment.

  • @Norman834
    @Norman834 3 ปีที่แล้ว +28

    Well that was emotional to watch. I was both the invisible child and the scapegoat - it took years of planning but I got out just before my 23rd birthday

    • @ashleeskhan4075
      @ashleeskhan4075 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Congratulations dear! I pray that God heals all your wounds. Hugs.

    • @jenniferg6818
      @jenniferg6818 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      wow. great flippin job mate. I'm 50 and I'm trying to put the pieces together. Please work on self love and keep good people around you.

    • @elisazouza
      @elisazouza 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      i still gotta get out :( glad u did ! im 22 and i be like how do i get out of here

    • @ashleeskhan4075
      @ashleeskhan4075 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@elisazouza Same girl same.

    • @elisazouza
      @elisazouza 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@ashleeskhan4075 we’ve got this 🙏🏼🦋

  • @maryrichardson6029
    @maryrichardson6029 3 ปีที่แล้ว +27

    I was the
    invisible/ scapegoat.
    Early on 4-5 years old.
    NM would just walk off from Me. If we went somewhere she never held my hand. I stood around looking stupid.
    I was never told anything about what was going on. NM would introduce my GC brother. And walk off I was not there.
    BUT. When she needed someone to rage and rage and rage at. Guess who got all of her demonic rages?
    I became visible to her.
    NO CONTACT was my only way to survive.
    Thank you

    • @brianwalsh1401
      @brianwalsh1401 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Good for you for surviving and going no contact. I'm sorry any child has to go through this. I can identify with it.

    • @carolhicks6796
      @carolhicks6796 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Yes, the rage. The violent outbursts. Its almost like they need to get it out because its so hard for them to act nice in public. Its like it almost destroys them to act happy.

    • @sarahviktoria8494
      @sarahviktoria8494 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I am so sorry you had to deal with that. A child should never have to suffer from the hands of parents who are supposed to be protection in this world.

  • @julietteferrars3097
    @julietteferrars3097 3 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    I used to be the invisible child until my mom became paralyzed and I slowly became her codependent caregiver. Now I’m 19 and can’t imagine leaving her alone to pursue my own interests despite being a naturally independent person. I feel so stuck and anxious and I’m not sure how to get out. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your insightful and healing videos 💕

    • @annamyob
      @annamyob 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      first step is realizing. second is self-education. Blessings on you as you continue to find your way.

    • @amys0482
      @amys0482 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      Get out. She needs a nurse.

    • @universaltruth2025
      @universaltruth2025 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Years go by fast. Your 20s and 30s are when you get the most traction in your life - meeting a partner and getting a job. Find a way to leave its not your role to parent your mother. (I’m a 51 yo mother of 3 and I would not want any of my children to hold themselves back for me). Some parents will gladly use up your entire life for their own needs. Seek help for your mother so you can leave.

    • @thefrog4990
      @thefrog4990 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Not your problem. She never gave you shit. So don’t give her any.

  • @andrewschultz6608
    @andrewschultz6608 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Ugh. This is part of the puzzle why I participated less in high school after a couple years. Certainly it explains some conflict I've had where I both wanted to be seen and not seen at the same time. So it is much appreciated.
    The worst part may've been times I wanted to be seen and heard a sarcastic "look who's stepping out!"
    Also, I think the people who remarked most loudly on my quietness "what're you doing there? Plotting?" were the sort of people who, when they shut up, were planning some bad things.

  • @CrackedCandy
    @CrackedCandy 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    I had loving parents but they had other priorities. Dad's kidneys failed when I was a toddler, so lacking an income source mom went back to school and became a nurse. Worked all day and took care of dad at night. I fell through the cracks.

  • @michellehanes8136
    @michellehanes8136 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    I like how she also brought up that professors don't understand the students that are quite and have a fear of talking infort of everyone. It made it much worse when they brought it up in the classroom. My only 2 B's was because I professors that hated quit people.

    • @karmacounselor
      @karmacounselor 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I noticed that when I covered a teacher who took a year off. She had flunked a couple of the quiet students. I had divided the students this way: some want time to think; Some can answer without thinking things through. She promoted that type. The ones that want to think things through before answering were the ones she flunked. (The E&P relationships test at the Hypnosis Motivational Institute is fun to take to see the differences. That’s where I learned this). You might enjoy learning more about this.

    • @michellehanes8136
      @michellehanes8136 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@karmacounselor sounds interesting, thank you!

    • @SusanBame
      @SusanBame 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      This is actually a trait of indigenous people who grew up speaking a native language and have to process English into their traditional language and back again. Indigenous people have been shamed into silence and need all the time they need, in silence, to think, and to express. (I facilitated native families in social work settings.) Native people and their thoughts can easily get steamrolled over by people who think fast and have a lot to say, and when this is about them and their family and the future of their family and children, itʻs important to give them all the time they need.

    • @karmacounselor
      @karmacounselor 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@SusanBame exactly!

  • @PS-so6bb
    @PS-so6bb 3 ปีที่แล้ว +21

    I also was that invisible child as long as I behaved do. This resulted me even as a adult stressing the hell out at work if the manager ask me to do something and I could not finish in time, even if that was not really a problem, I would have panic attacks. I recognized this behavior with therapy and doing a lot better standing up for myself now.

  • @alisondunning7116
    @alisondunning7116 3 ปีที่แล้ว +37

    This one certainly made me think. As an only child, I got all 3 roles at different times, but felt least uncomfortable being the Invisible Child and that’s the one I fall into easiest, even as an adult. It’s one I need to work on - because flying under the radar isn’t always a good thing.

    • @TheMuslimThriver
      @TheMuslimThriver 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      So true! I can relate with this

    • @ElRegulus
      @ElRegulus 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      I hear that.

    • @DomCOuano
      @DomCOuano 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I was about to type a comment like this! I'm an only child and somehow check every criteria of the invisible child

  • @9000ck
    @9000ck ปีที่แล้ว +7

    I was the invisible child and learnt to look after myself. But there is a terrible loneliness and shame about lost life chances.

  • @wladyslawwaismann6784
    @wladyslawwaismann6784 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    What a ride ! Seventy eight years old and witnessing this narc behavior unfold . I always knew it but never acknowledged this trait in the family.
    Absolutely outrageous behavior from family In their 70's sprung on the eve of mothers 102 birthday . Wills rewritten ,exclusions and extremely tough legal language. My reaction has confounded me ever since as though there was another entity or witness inside just witnessing without emotion and just knowing. Even children are finer than this.

  • @Picca65
    @Picca65 3 ปีที่แล้ว +31

    This is me!!! Thanks for validating my life. It's the deepest part of my trauma. And it's not "just" one event to work trough like my divorce. It's an internalized pattern. I'm slowly able to define this and finding my voice. THANKS!!!🧡

  • @auntmayme8119
    @auntmayme8119 3 ปีที่แล้ว +16

    Wow! Thank you for explaining what my childhood and current life is now. As a young child, I was left behind by my family at a restaurant; because I was so quiet. Now as an adult, I’m still left behind. But I’m older now and have my boundaries which others find I’m not “part of their tribe”. And this is great for me.

  • @ilgenis
    @ilgenis 3 ปีที่แล้ว +163

    The invisible child would eventually surpass the golden child.

    • @Pfsif
      @Pfsif 3 ปีที่แล้ว +20

      And the GC declares War.

    • @sunset6010
      @sunset6010 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      KE - possible

    • @tp8615
      @tp8615 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      ufc fighter chris weidman is a great example

    • @mateodevon2967
      @mateodevon2967 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@tp8615 what? Lol

    • @tp8615
      @tp8615 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@mateodevon2967 huh? lol what u mean?

  • @moeskido
    @moeskido 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    The invisible child is only noticed when the narcissist parent needs their help with something. Phrased as demands, not requests. Open-ended tasks, frequent changes of details, and certainly no gratitude or acknowledgment afterwards. "What do you want, a medal?" was something I heard a lot as a kid.

  • @PerfectlyImperfect804
    @PerfectlyImperfect804 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    'Children should be seen and not heard' is one quote I remember hearing

  • @TylerLarson
    @TylerLarson 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Holy crap.. this was me! 😳
    I literally didn't know until halfway through this video.

  • @tarotbymadeline5595
    @tarotbymadeline5595 3 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Thank you 😞 I’ve been struggling a lot more lately with this. I grew up with narcissism in my family dynamic, and I’m often told by the older adults in my family, when they talk about the abuse, that I didn’t have it “as bad.” My siblings and I, don’t get along. I feel that my one sister, who was considered the “golden child” is very Braggy, and in every social situation, constantly trying to get attention from the rest of our family. In conversations, if it’s not about her, she’ll cut you right off in the middle of the conversation to talk to someone else. She has a “holier than thou” attitude, and I’ve decidedly cut her out, because it follows the narrative when she’s around, that what she has to say is more important. She’s louder, showy, and I’m not. I used to try to talk here and there, but now I’ve grown completely silent. Silent or not. Nobody cares. Nobody asks how I’m doing. If anything, the only thing they’ve seen me useful for is communication from one person to the next. I don’t exist to anybody in my family, not even during a grieving process, of recently losing the only father figure I considered a Dad to me, so I’ve recently been making moves in silence, that will eventually lead me towards the path of never having to be in contact. I need to start fresh for my sanity.

  • @Kimba13a
    @Kimba13a 3 ปีที่แล้ว +36

    This brings up a lot of emotions. "Children should be seen and not heard" reverberates in my ears. ( Just be there at my beck and call.) I practiced invisibility for years and although I do get recognized by other people I still feel quite invisible. "Is that recognition genuine?" the little voice says in my head. I do know my worth though and what I can do but often prefer alone time when not teaching in the classroom. Seems like a never ending struggle dealing with the aftermath of a narcissistic parent. Thankfully she passed June 26, 2021.

    • @DrMoorehen
      @DrMoorehen 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      May you find peace my friend♥️

    • @smwokk
      @smwokk 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      That phrase reverberates in my head too. How many times was I told not to interrupt when I wasn't interrupting?

    • @AD-cc7bj
      @AD-cc7bj 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I can't believe we are damaged so badly by a parent, that we're thankful when they die. I wish we all had caring, pleasant family environments, but I'm trying to accept reality.

  • @juliettecherry6359
    @juliettecherry6359 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    The agony of introspection and trying to change yourself because obviously there is something wrong with you because THEY say so....

  • @kathy259
    @kathy259 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    I loved going to ballet classes, loved dancing. I once won a medal at a dance competition. No one in My family did not really pay attention to interest in dancing.
    My dancing teacher left our town, and I was devastated.

  • @elenhil5591
    @elenhil5591 3 ปีที่แล้ว +20

    This rings so true! I always wondered why I always felt like I was on the outside looking in on so many social interactions and in my family..

    • @elisazouza
      @elisazouza 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      yuppp i feel like an outsider 24/7

  • @marioVSN
    @marioVSN 3 ปีที่แล้ว +21

    I felt I was the "Invisible Golden child"... I was praised when I did good and berated when I did bad... But in top of that, my needs and feelings were neglected...
    I managed to build a good sense of self worth, but ended up in a narcisisstic relationship and after it fell apart, I couldn't point out why I fell for it, since my self esteem and self worth are on ok levels...
    Now I see that I got used to have all my needs neglected always, so being neglected didn't raise a red flag for me... Because it was what I was used to...
    Thank you Dr. Ramani, for making things clear to me! 😊

  • @MadisonWestfield
    @MadisonWestfield 3 ปีที่แล้ว +31

    Thank you for these informative videos, Dr. Ramani! I find the videos about family dynamics around narcissism so interesting. If you are an invisible child, YOU ARE ENOUGH and you are worthy of love and a good life. ❤️

  • @petermautner1644
    @petermautner1644 2 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    Describes my childhood to a tee. Father was narcissist. Golden childed brother. Mother always said I was a quiet child. Thank you Dr Ramani. You explained it all. Not taught in schools.

  • @andyprocter4680
    @andyprocter4680 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    Dr. R! Excellent episode, from an invisible child! It gave some AMAZING insights & reminders to NOT let my invisibility “super” power take an INAPPROPRIATE place in my life! It makes me anxious to talk about, share, and celebrate who I am! I GET what u r saying!
    To all fellow invisible children: YOU ARE WORTHY! YOU HAVE AND ADD VALUE TO THIS WORLD! We NEED to SEE and HEAR from YOU! You GOT this! Go gett’em, my Tigers!!!!!!

  • @javadivawithdog
    @javadivawithdog 3 ปีที่แล้ว +67

    I was the quiet child but as the 1st child of a perfectionist, I felt like a mannequin. My appearance was emphasized as it benefitted my mother. I was also the scapegoat and developed a weight problem to protect me. Make me invisible and as a shield. I am getting to a normal weight but the wounds remain. Like teachers, the medical system also does not understand how this impacts obesity. Weight loss removes protection. I was a high achiever in school and was a golden child too. Gets complicated quickly 🥺 My role shifted at the whim of my driven insecure narcissistic mother. I was buffeted by this storm and now crave chaos and feel intensely uncomfortable in healthy relationships. Ugh.

    • @fiction589
      @fiction589 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Hey Lynn,
      I also developed a weight problem as a protection from narc abuse and being a female competition for my mum, older stepsister and basically, all females. Removing overweight makes me feel insecure, too. I can take it, but only if people leave me alone. As soon as they notice, I get afraid of being outcasted, excluded, bullied, and since I am a single woman, that feels life threatening. If you or anyone should have any tips about this matter, I would be so grateful! All the best 💞

    • @lynn2551
      @lynn2551 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I can relate. Lots of love and healing

    • @goldieh7121
      @goldieh7121 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I understand. When I was a developing teenager, my parents seemed to enjoy the attention I got and would tell me and be proud when people noticed me, But, both of my parents liked to gush over the fact that I was one of the " pretty" cousins. That just led to jealousy and me being bullied and minimized in all other aspects of my life.
      I felt that the extra weight I put on as an adult was protective. When I would ever lose weight and feel strong and in control I felt like a target and would gain weight back again.
      I think it comes down to - am I going to start to care more about how I want to feel in my body than what others think than of me? Can I learn to set boundaries that will keep me safe, so I don't need to make myself feel invisible?

    • @mindycoy4964
      @mindycoy4964 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Thats me to weight was a way to be invisible...always fat even looking back at pictures when I wasn't ....its basically a eating disorder as well.....because we do not have a good relationship with food...its about a Dr must be addressed by a therapist...

    • @javadivawithdog
      @javadivawithdog 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@goldieh7121 I had a good discussion with my daughter about this. Another way to invisibility is to stop eating. Hope keeping communication open paves the way for healing.

  • @cathyjordan5487
    @cathyjordan5487 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    My Mom would tell everyone (in front of me of course) that I was born on Halloween ...and when she said trick or treat - she was tricked! I couldn't find the courage to challenge her until I was in my late 50's....predictably she refused to acknowledge my pain or stop. I finally told her that I will start telling people her 'joke' ..but that I was tricked because she was my Mom! Predictably...she still didn't get it. 😐

    • @lilly7908
      @lilly7908 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      O she got it alright! What a looser! I was born on new year's eve my birth unit said I ruined her day and my father said that I was a great tax deduction. Both are disgusting vial wretched people.
      The word is birthing unit thin is not a Mother!

  • @anesasosevic2813
    @anesasosevic2813 3 ปีที่แล้ว +36

    It is important for me that I KNOW WHO I AM, no matter what any narc says to me or about me. Dr. Ramani, this video was more than useful. Thank you so much!

  • @sdh7091
    @sdh7091 3 ปีที่แล้ว +31

    After watching this video and reading some articles on the invisible child syndrome, I realized this was what I was in my family and even when I was in school, where I was usually quiet and kept to myself. This really resonated with me because even though I am in adulthood now, I still feel as if I don't know my place in this world or my purpose in life. I still struggle with finding my voice and knowing who I am. I thought that by staying out of the way, I would be able to escape the abuse. Everything you said reminded me of myself.

  • @yored8853
    @yored8853 2 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    Of 6 kids, I always felt like I was the “forgotten child”. I had a physical disability which I think made my parents ashamed, and they would leave me alone at home or put me outside when we had company. It’s true that whatever interests I had were ignored and I just spent the past 40+ years thinking I was invisible and that my thoughts and ideas didn’t count. It’s, I don’t know, a little difficult to tell yourself that you are seen and you do matter ❤ thank you for saying so, it is really nice to hear.

  • @lynn2551
    @lynn2551 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    As the scapegoat, I worked at becoming the invisible child. Using grey rock and hiding my interests as I got older. Partly to protect myself, but also to make it easier to eventually leave.
    Both parents are neglectful narcissists, my choosing to become invisible at home (my true self visible to friends and work), led my narc sibling to take on both Golden Child and some of the Scapegoat role. There was a noticeable and at times extreme reaction by my Narc Mother to me going grey rock, but it was well worth it.

  • @erikn54
    @erikn54 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    I am the invisible. I am now over 50 and I still feel invisible. I hate being the centre of attention and blush when I am. I went through university and had the highest grades in history…and did not even tell anyone about it. My parents does not know how good I am in math, fysics and materials technology. I have been successfull in life both with women and professionally but I still feel like I really dont matter to anyone.

  • @briankelley7918
    @briankelley7918 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    I went from an unwanted child to The Golden child. to being ignored and then being discarded. To being hated. Just because I wanted to be me. Thanks Mom

  • @thetorontogirl
    @thetorontogirl 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    I love all things invisible (cuz I was the invisible/lost/middle child). I recently realized that I've always thought I'm introverted because I'm highly self aware, observant, and introspective BUT what I didn't realize is that I'm only quiet with the wrong types of people. I'm loud, extroverted, and actually pretty much an open book when I'm with the right people.

  • @eq2092
    @eq2092 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    Okay this blew my mind. I knew I was a truth Teller and as a result a Scapegoat. There was a brief periods where I was the Golden Child. But after listening to this I was also invisible my basic needs weren't meet to include things like safety and proper medical care. Now that I am married with kids I couldn't imagine not taking my kids to Doctor or Dentist.

  • @pionerat6917
    @pionerat6917 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    Love you Dr Ramani 😊🌺thank you for your time.😊

    • @amarshmuseconcepta6197
      @amarshmuseconcepta6197 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      🌹"just taken a picture identical to your roses not an hour ago 👍synchronicity Lol ..& pure Sweetness Thanking you both for your time 💕✌🕊

  • @georgina50002
    @georgina50002 3 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    I have a cousin who was an invisible child. Her father is the most narcissistic person I know. She still lives with her mother and depends on her. She will be 36 this year. The funny thing is her twin brother was the golden child and he still depends on their mom as well. I don’t know what happened there but none of them are independent.

    • @brianwalsh1401
      @brianwalsh1401 3 ปีที่แล้ว +41

      Narcissists want to keep people dependent on them for narcissistic supply. If they had been healthy parents then they would want to have their children as independent adults. Narcissists only do what's best for them.

    • @recoveringsoul755
      @recoveringsoul755 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      My younger sister is an awful person, she stayed with my mother until death. She wrote me out of the will. She never got a driver's license even when my mother needed rides to the doctor in her later years. She'd call me for rides and criticize how I raised my children but she took no responsibility for having a real life. Was never able to support herself and blamed my father. I guess she likes public transit or walking. Now she's stolen one of my kids.

    • @recoveringsoul755
      @recoveringsoul755 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@brianwalsh1401 This is the thing though, I don't understand people saying the last president is a narc when his kids are independent and successful and he clearly wants them to succeed. I'm sure he has more N traits than the average person who has no desire to be in the spotlight, but I don't think he's the dangerous kind of N people say he is or his kids wouldn't be like they are.

    • @Mysikrysa
      @Mysikrysa 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      @@recoveringsoul755 There are different types of narcissists. Those who make their kids totally dependent on them are only one type.
      Narcs also might want their children to be successful, so they could brag about how amazing their kids are. They see the children as extension of themselves, so the success of the kids is their own success to them.
      It´s like with the ugly mothers who force their little daughters into beauty competitions. Or with people who have show dogs and awards all over their house.

    • @brianwalsh1401
      @brianwalsh1401 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@Mysikrysa Very well said.

  • @ChristyS6959
    @ChristyS6959 3 ปีที่แล้ว +16

    Dr. Ramani, your impactful wisdom always, always, always overwhelms me. I’m so emotional at times from it. I was the golden child. My two sisters were throw-away children. It’s so hard not to hate my mother, who is still alive and narci as ever, and my father, who is deceased (thank God) and was the physically/emotionally abusive tyrant who pedestalized me into an a$$hole child. This is just so sickening.
    Dr. Ramini, words cannot express my love, admiration, and gratitude for what you so selflessly give to us. You are a saint!

    • @yu12si7
      @yu12si7 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      One of my Golden Child Sister's Master Degrees is in Psychology. If she knows she is the golden one....she believes she deserves it. I admire you for having the insight to see this dynamic! I really didn't know that Golden Children ever recognized their privileged position. Thanks so much for sharing, Christy. This means maybe prayer can help her even if I can't.

    • @ChristyS6959
      @ChristyS6959 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@yu12si7 I get you. Sometimes you have awareness; sometimes not.

  • @A.ICraft
    @A.ICraft ปีที่แล้ว +2

    I feel like an Orphan honestly. I won't be able to keep these thoughts away even if I become a very successful adult, it's like a curse I never asked for. Thank you family.

    • @vester7457
      @vester7457 7 วันที่ผ่านมา

      I've often felt cursed by my family too. Rotten luck

  • @bobmathieson987
    @bobmathieson987 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    My younger sister commented to me recently that she could not remember me ever at the dinner table. I said yes it was generally only at special occasions like Christmas and when I had completed a substantial amount of chores. I was the invisible child and scapegoat rolled into one. I served my time as a child in constant fear and hidden away from my parents and siblings to avoid serious abuse. I am 60+ now and still in some way hide from the world but enjoy my own company and feel consoled with all of this information. It has been a gateway into understanding my journey through life and all the connections I can piece together in what used to be an unfathomable puzzle. Thank You, Ramani, and all commentators on this site.

  • @dragonfly4335
    @dragonfly4335 3 ปีที่แล้ว +22

    I was raised by neglectful narcissists parents. I definitely am invisible to my parents, my family, people at work and every where I go. I am in my late forties now. In some ways I prefer not to have any attention at all. However, sometimes I wish my parents and other people in my life could have been more supportive and understanding of what I had to endure all of these years. Damn if you do and Damn if you don't. Thanks for listen.

  • @kryssysmith1486
    @kryssysmith1486 3 ปีที่แล้ว +51

    I was (I don't know if you want to call this irony or not), but I was The Invisible Child +Scapegoat Child + Truthteller, l. They literally forgot me after basketball practice (back in high school), it wasn't (until suppertime that they ever noticed I was not home with the rest of them). I was the butt of the jokes ( because I was born with a disability, everybody in the internal family knew that I was a bit slow) that didn't stop them from doing their narcissistic crap to me. However, I NOW how people actually listen to me and actually remember me. I am so glad those years are behind me (where I grew up so confined), and I'm so free now it's honestly night and day for me. 😁😁😁😁

    • @durgaambika4342
      @durgaambika4342 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I was first an invisible child most part of my life but later became a golden child and then a scapegoat. Personally my favorite is invisible. It's the safest role comparatively

    • @kryssysmith1486
      @kryssysmith1486 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@durgaambika4342 I wouldn't mind being the invisible child (if it was just that simple). Looking forward to my future now :).

    • @kryssysmith1486
      @kryssysmith1486 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@chriswyma145 I have Cerebal Palsy, so that didn't help things. They were ALL (not just the caretakers, but my siblings as well).

    • @gea2663
      @gea2663 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I was looking for this comment.
      the invisble child + scape goat.
      so u can be both in the same time right?

    • @kryssysmith1486
      @kryssysmith1486 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@gea2663 You can play a multitude of roles in a dysfunctional family. I played The Invisible Child, the scapegoat, the truth-teller, peacekeeper.

  • @gremlin4606
    @gremlin4606 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

    Dr. Ramani.. THANK YOU❤️🙏

  • @marygenius2041
    @marygenius2041 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    To all the invisible childs out there ❤
    You fucking rock
    And I love you 🎉

  • @markthomas4083
    @markthomas4083 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I remember falling, ripping the skin off my knee, large lava rock…. I didn’t cry or say anything. Have reflected on this and pondered why I didn’t tell my mother my knee was bleeding bad, not to mention the pain. This video shed light on my strange manner of downplaying the injury. My mother was very kind and loving. But, many unanswered questions still remain.