When the truth teller grows up
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“Everyone appreciates your honesty, until your honest with them - then you’re an asshole.” - George Carlin.
It's stressful being a truth teller it's like i see it i see the gaslighting i see the manipulation i see the subliminal things but when i tell my siblings they either say you are too emotional or you're wrong or they would try to blame me for the behavior i moved out now tho the environment felt evil and off
Ain’t that the truth!
Hahaha I love him. Yeah, people don't always appreciate brutal honesty but you can be honest in very diplomatic or tactful ways to make the person not feel attacked (if it's not a full-blown narcissist, probably)
This is so on point....Period!
George Carlin, what a guy! The spirit of Mark Twain was upon him!
I am the truth teller, scapegoat, “black sheep”, “unwanted”, last child. At nine years old, while in fourth grade, I went in search of my birth certificate, because I knew I must have been adopted. My real family wouldn’t treat me this way I thought. I had hoped that if I was adopted, I could find my real family and live with them. It took me about a month but I finally found my birth certificate one day when mom and dad were not home. I sat in the floor with my heart racing, afraid to look at the results. I cried so hard, my little body sobbing when I realized they were my real family. They all beat, ridiculed, mocked and shamed me. I turn 67 next week. I haven’t had a relationship with my parents or siblings in about 40 years. My life is happy, peaceful, joyful, and full of love. God bless you all ❤
Just wanted to say I read what you posted and I both hear you and care. It’s incredibly painful to live inside of this..I hope you are surrounded by all of the love you truly deserve.
Thank you for your kind words. You touched my heart and made it feel a little better.
That's what I am working for, peace. I am raising my children differently.
Im so sorry you dealt with that alone. Im happy you have found true love from people🥺 I hope I find my chosen family soon
I’m 61 now and the youngest of three. I was a truth teller as a child. As I became a teen I discovered alcohol and became alcoholic. I’ve been sober now 12 years. I live with my 95 year old father who is very spry and together. I’m just seeing my family for who they are. Total narcissist. All the pieces fell in to place after 5 years of sobriety. These past 5 years have been more difficult than quitting drinking which was horrible! Still trying to break away from family. Hats off to those that have. I still have hope for some peace soon in my life.
I distinctly remember deciding not to be a liar when I was about 10.
Same, I don’t remember the age, but I remember thinking that I was braver than them and smarter, that things always work out better outside the family when you tell the truth.
Growing up I always would turn red when I lied. Then I played a game called Throne of Lies and became a very proficient liar
relatable, yrs later, honesty and authenticity is two of my top core values
I remember in grade school quite young that the teacher asked us students while doing homework to think about not lying as homework. I knew then to not lie and seek the truth. As someone else said. It's a lonely road sometimes.
I remember in grade school quite young that the teacher asked us students while doing homework to think about not lying as homework. I knew then to not lie and seek the truth. As someone else said. It's a lonely road sometimes.
I’m on the verge of tears because I didn’t know there was a word to describe my situation so perfectly. I felt so so seen throughout every word of this video.
Same xx
Same. I rarely cry, but I didn't know how nice it would be to hear her validate it all toward the end.
Same!!! This describes my life! Hang in there...we know the truth!
Same here…
Now I know why the Pollyannas, enablers, and I are a no go. At my workplace, there is so much resistance to even the most basic suggestions for change. No matter how logical, kind, and professional I am, they would rather ignore the suggestions and overexplain the status quo than make any effort toward meaningful, productive changes. It makes sense to me to simplify things to improve productivity and accuracy, but they act like I dropped in from another planet because I don't see everything as perfectly perfect, and they don't want to do the work. I can't change them, but I can and will leave. I feel better being me. Thank you, Dr R.
No one is more hated than one who speaks the truth.
AMEN
“The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it.”
It's not even being tactless-- even just asserting healthy boundaries, will get you Gaslit.
fr
We need the bat, man, and 19 keyes...
The "old guard" doesn't understand female voices, let alone feminine wisdom 0.o
I cried when she said she tips her hat, and recognized the role. As someone who has been “the black sheep” because I saw the truth…triggering my parents, and “causing trouble” by not “going with the flow” since I was literally born -thanks for seeing us.
100% relate
Same here
👍🏾 Ditto.
It is funny because I always felt the same way even though I was never actually called that by anyone.
I feel like Maleficent when she realized there were more of her kind! I see you, my friends.
I was the truth teller. I continued this role after leaving home and have been disliked as the buzzkill by the siblings. I found it easy to visit my mother and siblings briefly several times until their own toxicity began to cause me to sever these relationships as well. Now the daughter of my malignant narcissist sister has made a clean break from this harmful family and we have each other as truth tellers and successful escapees into the sane world of positivity. I’m 71 and my liberated niece is nearly 50. We are connected as victorious survivors and very supportive of each other. There is a good life available when you break the chains. Remove yourself from their reach. Good luck to you all. And thank you Dr Ramani for this series. ❤️
I love this!!
How lucky and blessed you are to have each other! 💕
Also…if that’s your real picture, you are absolutely stunning! Especially for 71, my goodness!
I’m a straight, married woman so not trying to be creepy…just telling the truth 😊
This just makes me cry just to be recognized 😭😭😭😭. It’s so hard to be the strong one and also the one who is also criticized 😢 and then also wishing everyone would wake up and snap out of this dream world we’re living in!!!
Me too.
aMEN
It's a surreal experience being the only family member who doesn't live in a lying reality. Why do I feel like the odd one?
Because you see the blinds, and of course it’s weird.
I don't know to tell you why, but I feel the same way. Even at 6, I didn't understand how they didn't understand.
Stay strong. It can be lonely. I have the same situation. Keep looking for your tribe. They are out there. Most importantly learn to have that “peace” within. Then how others act around you won’t touch you. Much love. ❤️
Because you listen and take note of what's being discussed. Others just hear words
@@transcender9203 inner peace is the key
The most infuriating part of being a truth-teller/seeker is when the family keeps calling them crazy early on and consistently for so many years that they are viewed as such by everyone. Many years are wasted on questioning our own sanity. It's disgusting.
But the truth always come out and ppl ain't as stupid as they seem. For years my mom told me my stepfather was crazy and I believed her but I realized she's even crazier! The truth will always prevail rather ppl recognize it or not
You say so much with that !
Oh well. Rather be out here with sane nice people who aren't able to tolerate abuse, thank you 😊
Yes they do exactly that
I'm one. I'm in my 50's and I really don't care. The older I get the more selective I am about only hanging out with people who have good hearts, are self effacing and honest.
Oh my. This explains things. 6 decades of "seeing truth" in my family, but getting entangled by narcissism in my own life. Live and learn as they say!
I can’t be anything other than who I am. It’s hard when you see everything for what it truly is.
yes, but I wouldn't have it any other way and I know you wouldn't either
Yes, but my conscience is free.
I tell myself the same thing. I'd rather be true to myself, and unlike by everyone else rather then liked by everyone else and lying to myself.
Being a truth teller felt like growing up as a spy for the resistance behind enemy lines.
Yeah, seeing stuff we have NOOOOOO BUSINESS SEEING even when we was just playing with our toys and stuff just chilling until we see some dumb stupid shit. We blessed for it though.
Omg, thats hilarious. I still feel I'm behind enemy lines and stay vigilant from family. They are white supremacists and would kill me in a heartbeat. They call me a communist???!!!! And to think, as the oldest and only daughter, I changed their diapers
So accurate omg
@@goodforu1948 Yes!
🤯 💯
Absolute perfect analogy
A Truth teller survives on self-made support system. Achieving independence in happiness helps greatly.
I approve and endorse
Yes...but it also leads to loneliness and hesitancy to reach out to others as an adult.
I've been through it. The false labels., The diagnosis , the gone in plain sight.
What u connected about being happy...that is exactly what I deduced is the factor I need and seek to fulfill myself and be stable and free....HAPPY. SELF HAPPINESS. THANKS FOR THE CONFIRMATION 🌹
Agree...to our fault...sometimes you view other as weak
Yes 🙌🏻
You just explain my childhood and how I became the person I am today. This is mind blowing
My mom just told me : “ I know it’s the truth but some things are better left unsaid” … while true she says this to shy away from accountability
Being the kid who could see what others couldn't felt very isolating. No one believed me when I said something was off, and I felt like I was crazy. I used to wish that I wasn't born "broken", I wanted so badly to be able to drink the Kool aid and blend in with my family.
As an adult, however, I understand how precious this instinct is. It's kept me safe, and helped me cut away from toxic people. I wear it with pride now, and have learned not to feel ashamed when I can see what others don't.
Be proud of yourself for hanging on though the ordeal, NOT drinking the Kool-aid, and now seeing the value in your instinct. That's a wonderful accomplishment. :)
congratulation 💖 that's the real work
You're not the broken one.
It does feel very isolating
I hope your healing continues, you should be flattered you don't fit in, I know I am! My family members are so incredibly horrible to one another, I've never had the need to be yet... I'm the only one with the need to stay no contact, more weirdness!
I’m a truth teller. This is me. Always being told to shut up and not be invited to celebrations, not be a part of this family of mine, that I’m “too difficult to be around.” I’m not going to stay quiet when they’re being a-holes. But then again, I don’t have to live with myself the way that they have to. I’m very fortunate to be me. Do whatever good you can do. Thank you Doctor Ramani for reassuring me that I was never crazy. Thanks for all that you do 😊
Yep..same here. I don't invited because then there'd be " too much trouble"
The trouble being me not going along with lies. Thats it.
So my parents, 3 siblings and spouses, nieces and nephews all went to another siblings wedding ...and I stayed home.
I bawled ..it broke my heart but it was also the last time they hurt me that much.
I’m a truth teller. People just seem to feel uncomfortable in my presence… which hurts. The funny thing is that the more I try to explain what I see and how things aren’t fair, the more people think I am wrong for “judging,” not blindly obeying, and not confirming… Yes, it’s quite lonely.
@@jenster29. Pennie, have you really dissected your situation. Could it be, perhaps, that you’re, yes, a truth teller, but that there’s also the delivery of an assh…?
Many times not being invited. My Sister loved to triangulate between me and my youngest Sister. Told her I was trying to have an affair with her husband boom, uninvited to Florida
Many more trips. My youngest was the lost child. Only recently is she beginning to see thru her. I could write a book. Then when I went No Contact they all wanted to know "where is she?" Shaaaya, not with her husband 😂 Like really?
Hi Jessica, I can related to your experience. My experience has been the same… My family won’t invite me to certain things or if I am invited my family members would relentlessly tease and sometimes insult me. Thank god for my husband. He sees it, protects me from them and reassures me that I see it right.
'I will not be a puppet in her pantomime.'
A mantra, every boy needs to recite from infancy 'til old age.
Every? Don't be a truist, or you develop confirmation bias wrapped in tunnel vision.
@@ImpishBratt What? It is pointless gendered in the post, but everyone is speaking from the heart, so I think it can be given a pass. But this is sound advice on boundaries and living for yourself instead of others. It would be useful to anyone, abused or otherwise. "Don't let other people run your life or use you as a tool" is applicable to all.
@@panicwithcompulsion I have no idea why you take my post so personally. I grew up with a monstrous schizophrenic, bipolar, borderline narcissistic mother that made me her whipping child and caused my siblings and myself years in the foster care system, with her regaining us and her pandering me as a preteen.
My experiences shade my view of things. You comment according to yours.
Have a nice, tidy life full of blessings.
@@ImpishBratt .-. I'm allowed to disagree and state why in a calm manner without it being a personal attack on you and your views. Especially considering that you literally did the same thing to the original commenter of this chain.. I feel as if you are interpreting quite a bit of malice to my words where there was none and it feels hurtful that you are allowing yourself the freedom to express your opinion but denying me the same courtesy. :/ I also hope you have a nice life.
Absolutely no one should have to be born to a narcisstic mother who doesn't want children. I wasn't a burden. A child is a miracle and a treasure. I can't relate.
Both my parents were the only child of older mothers who didn’t want kids. They met & married only to produce more misery in our lives as their scapegoats. It was so sad that I wanted to be adopted by my friends’ families. No escaping this particular type of hell ever
I'm honestly happy for you that you never had to experience this kind of trauma. It's a brutal mind f**k when your young brain realizes you can't even trust the people who are supposed to be there to protect you. When your brain is just starting to figure life out, you get slapped in the face with the fact that your narcissistic parent(s) don't give a crap about you and never did. It develops trust issues that last a literal lifetime despite how much therapy you may get. Your view of the world becomes jaded, and it's harder to make real friendships/relationships. You never want to get close to anyone, because in the back of your mind, you believe to your core they will just manipulate you and screw you over in the end. You tend to close yourself off from the world, just to avoid the drama that people tend to cause. End up hating the world, and pretty much everyone in it. yeah... it's not a fun experience.
If she didn’t want kids why didn’t she get her tubes tied I don’t get it
@@chellotrevino7323 many doctors won't tie a woman's tubes if they think they are too young, or might change their mind later. Most only do it for medical reasons like if a pregnancy could put the mother's life in danger.
Sometimes it takes an outside source, like a new boyfriend, to ask, "why does your family treat you like that??"
@@PreferredMethods Valid point--another boyfriend used that dynamic to isolate me. But, yes, cheers to the good ones!!
I use to get offended when someone would point out that my relationship with my mother was toxic
@@deebeautiful84 i hear that. My mom has most people fooled, though...so I'd be offended when they'd say, "oh, your mom's so sweet." WTF?!?
Yes! My boyfriend caught on to this from my parents
@@Gladiator_in_a_Suit glad you received that validation! It helped me immensely.
This video actually made me tear up towards the end. Because as truth see-ers you rarely hear kindness and validating things from the outside. A lot of times we have to validate ourselves and even though that may not be a bad thing, it's just nice to know that others think that as well.
Yes! Thank you for your comment 🙏
So true........
True!
Same, it feels good to know that there are others who can see us, really see us.
Yes, it is such a relief to be seen and validated for this difficult path we are on
I'm 62 year old man who grew up in a system like you described. I'm the oldest and only male of 3 siblings, I'm familiar with family dynamics, have worked in addictions recovery and got clean and sober and have remained so since 1982 at the aged of 20 after being incarcerated, detoxed and rehabbing. It wasn't until I watched this video that I heard the more accurate term "Truth Teller" rather than scapegoat. Every system I find myself in it seems this turns out to be my role. I understand it from a spiritual position though I understand it as an identity beyond behaviour as a calling rather than a choice. Like something I cannot "not" be. It challenges my selfishness, my self centeredness or my desire for comfort or convenience. It's connected to my development and my spiritual growth and an essential part of my continued sobriety and my part of my primary purpose to help others recover. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
😊😊
I'm a truth teller. Being that isn't easy, but it is necessary. So here's a word of advice to every truth teller reading this comment: Keep your head up!
This is me entirely. And as an adult I've had such a hard time allowing people into my life. Are truth tellers just destined to not have any friends? I've ended all my friendships with people that felt "too messy" and it makes me come off as judgemental when in reality I'm just exhausted dealing with people that aren't real/authentic.
I feel this too. Until recently, I thought I was the only truth-seer on this planet. I can't feel close to almost anyone because, at the end of the day, I see them too.
Aint nothing wrong with being judgemental as long as it’s not superficial or cruel
@officialmer That's not really true no, they're living in a construct of those who influenced them and their own will and beliefs. There are certainly people that truth-seers can get along with but most are genuinely too messy. Not all perspectives and people live for truth and that's the crux of the issue.
@@atrias144 One only has to look at one of the most pervasive religions in the world to see how people have been trained to seek happiness and comfort, not truth, the "knowledge of good and evil."
I've been on this planet a bit more than four decades so far and I am just coming to appreciate the significance and depth of that minor point.
It dawned on me recently that most of my friends/acquaintances/co workers know nothing about me. When we talk it’s all about them. I’m a magnet for people who love to talk about themselves. I’ve emotionally backed off from people a lot. I pray for them and let God handle everything.
I was the truth teller in my family, and I was often shunned for pointing out the toxic patterns. I did distance myself to protect myself. And, as an adult, I grew into an insightful therapist. Thank you Dr. Ramani. This video is very validating.
What’s the truth about hormones to children?
@reneehaber2066
Thank you, I am so proud of you!! You took such incredible pain & turned it into hope, & then..offered that hope & acceptance to others.
Bless you.🥹
I love & appreciate my therapist. She’s loving but tough, young & very smart to the games, & she’s showing me a way out with a whole new life I’m building, that I absolutely love.
It’s lonely sometimes, & damn hard, but my gosh, thank goodness I found her..& you all.🥰
The toxicity ends w/me!🩸 🧬
Am not a therapist but I grew up to be very insightful. I pick up on patterns very quickly
Im guessing your the identified patient that got a diagnosis...despite having normal reactions to surviving in dysfunctional hell
Yes that is me..thank you again
I feel like I started out as a Truth Teller. But all the gaslighting, religious programming, and everything stacked against me, and I just couldn’t see anymore for a long time. Then I married an abuser and had to get out of that marriage and start serious healing and growth. Now I’m seeing so much truth about my entire life again.
I just randomly say “I tell the truth.” Didn’t know it’s called Truth Teller. The gaslighting was the worst. It makes you think you’re crazy, until you develop an amazing memory as a result. I believe God lead me here to this topic to understand what this demon called narcissism does to so many people. For that I’m thankful. And also to know it wasn’t just me. I’m healing every day.
Even if you were the truth-teller/scapegoat, you must unlearn a lot of toxic ways. I left my family and became a mom and soon realized that I had some toxic ways. Self-awareness and radical acceptance were crucial for my healing. I also had to go with no contact. The way I parent is foreign to anything I ever experienced. Listening to my child and having a healthy relationship means the world to me. 🙏🏾
Yeah, apparently I'm avoidant too. Working on that is probably one of the scariest things I've ever done and I'm not really done yet, but I have to do it. I can't keep assuming that isolation is inevitable or believing that it's preferable to potential pain.
You're a female. More emotional. Most male truth tellers don't pick up toxic traits. We're guys. At least in my generation. We still had to be men at a young age. That's not toxic. That's what is going to save the world! Everyone has to accept the fact that there are differences between the sexes.
@@CrackheadHuntersDopeDealer please stop smoking crack. sell your car and get therapy from a man. dont be a coward.
More strength to you because it’s hard to break the toxic cycle !!! You’re doing it ❤🎉 I’m proud of you and I hope things will be better for you and your family.
That's not true at all. Men have emotions
I jokingly call my role in the family “the grenade”. I figured out that telling the truth, out loud, was my secret super power if I wanted to be left alone. As an adult I’ve learned how to tell the truth with loving kindness (instead of weaponizing it). It was a long, painful, lonely road growing up but I wouldn’t change a thing about my journey.
Sometimes a "grenade" in the right place can let some light in.
"but I wouldn’t change a thing about my journey"
It's not like you could, anyway. lol
I love u can speak truth in kindness 🥰
I am a Christian & I try. But when I see injustice, I get riled up.
I try but sometimes people in church are too nice & don’t realize manipulative people need harsh truth to stop.
Even when I do so kindly they still go Super Saiyan over it.
I know what you mean about not wanting a different journey. I never did either - I like who I am because of it.
My sister and my dad were the narcissists. I remember saying to my mom at a very early age, "She's never going to change, is she?" And then, a few years later, but still far too young: "Why don't you just leave him?" (Her response: "Where would I go?")
I was also the scapegoat, 100%. I was punishable. My sister was not.
As an adult, I am able to see narcs before other people can. I've had a lot of people criticize me for too critical about new people entering the circle, but they've come to me months or years later and told me i was right all along.
The only thing that didn't ring true was making excuses for other people. I still tell it exactly how i see it, even if it makes me uncomfortable or threatens the relationship. Truth and honesty over everything.
As a result, i have very little involvement in my family and very few friends.
This is wild stuff.
And Ur probably better off... friends should just be qua😅❤liy
and it continues throughout our lives - often times alienating ourselves with truth
There’s this quote - “When your home is burning, you feel like the whole world is on fire”..this is definitely how it feels to grow up in a toxic/narc family..if you’ve been betrayed, manipulated, invalidated and mistreated by your family, how are you supposed to trust anyone outside of them?
By realizing what you grew up with is not the normal reality and that there are a lot of people in the world who are absolutely different than your family, maybe
😂 With a few ' Liar Liar Pants on Fires' throne on top.
I don't know if the damage done can be fixed but I will make a way ❤❤❤❤❤❤✨
You can't unfortunately, people just aren't trust worthy, they're very self centered and very willing to exploit you to further what they consider to be their own aims. I've been alive for 21 years now going on 22, I haven't ever had a single friend and I wouldn't want to be around anyone of my peers, They're all two faced narcissistic and sociopathic, not literally but they're bordering towards those personality dimensions and it's just really stressful and yucky to be around. And worse of all just plane fake, everyone's fake.
One man said, “by trusting no one you won’t be ever disappointed.” It is better to see danger in people than seeing beauty everywhere. Seriously:)
I think this is my youngest sister. At a very young age (before her teens) she knew not to engage with my parents. I used to wonder why my sister used to be so anti-social as she grew up. She would disengage during meal time with the family but when she was with her friends, she was a social butterfly. Her behaviour had a total 180 shift from a bright talkative girl to someone who only response with a "umm", "ah" and "oh" when around the family. It was until I realised my parents were narcissistic and that I was a scapegoat that I realized that it was her way of protecting herself.
Awesome that you see this. Great for her to not have to be alone with what you both have been through.
Are you...my brother is that me? LOL fuck this shit hits hard. "Yes no um ah oh.."..most importantly..."I don't know"
@@ensignsoah5947 I was thinking the same thing. Too bad my bro turned out to be a Class A MN.
I was always thinking, 'Why do you keep engaging with her? Don't you know you're just making it worse for yourself?'
Exactly!!! 😓😪💔🌹🙏🙏💕
Smart girl
Glad to know we truth tellers aren't alone and this world can be healed.
This is why I hate hearing from mental health professionals that "the child will ALWAYS have to believe that their parents are perfect, so the child will blame themselves." As a truth-seer, I knew from the beginning that my mother was wrong.
I was also a truth-teller and my sisters were always shocked at the things I would come out with.
I was the scapegoat too.
I cut away from my family and got myself removed from my mother's custody by telling the truth to the juvenile court.
And I isolate now. I can't trust too well.
Dr. Ramani, I grew up in a narcissistic household with 2 narcs. As a truth-telling kid, even though I saw the lies, I was corrected by gaslighting and verbal abuse that I was wrong. Kids aren't strong enough to push back on their parents and older siblings. So even though I saw the truth, it has taken me years to be strong as a 61-year-old to walk away. The aha moment may come as a child but your out numbered and outranked as a kid who sees the truth but is bullied, punished, and scored for bringing out the truth.
I think my stepson is like this, he sees it, but the gaslighting and bullying keeps him confused 😔
I agree. I was punished for speaking up to where it was distinguished in me. Began learning about narcissism in my early 50s, and it required me to blow up my life and rebuild from the ground.
Same here! I was beaten into submission. I had to support the narcissists to survive. I am the youngest in the family. I have been scapegoated by my entire toxic family. I finally went no contact after decades of abuse.
@@aparsons6495 We are programmed to love our parents deeply. Cognitive dissonance to the max. Kids will almost always choose/protect their parents. Saw it a thousand times as a teacher.
My heart and soul know what you mean. Our specifics diverge in that I recall only one older sibling to be a bully. In my early years I don't recall him being so. He changed, to his own detriment as well as ours. I am about 5 years younger than you and finally gaining awareness that lets me move forward a bit more. It feels quite good. Most of the time.
I became codependent and used alcohol to numb my feelings. Truth telling backfired for me in a dysfunctional family. I would be targeted by the narcissist. Chronic loneliness was my world view. I hated myself subconsciously because life was emotionally difficult. I became depressed and eventually enabled and cared for toxic people repeating my childhood misery. Alcohol became my temporary solution to numb past traumas. Now I am returning to being that truth telling child without fear or favor. Toxic people seem to avoid me. It feels good not to be attracted to them anymore
Same, I've numbed everything with alcohol, which in turn, has made me look like the crazy one. Its the only way I can feel numb to everything though.
It helps me to know there are others working on this too. You inspire me to keep going. A little work on things everyday become new habits. Cheers to our new found way of life. Cheers to each of you who choose mindfulness everyday.
I can relate to you. Now I'm sober for years.
@@yukio_saito I can relate as well. I have over 26 years of sobriety and 24 years in Codependency recovery.
I honestly love how the "truth teller" role is explained and the broad story of possible outcomes.
Finally someone actually appreciates the truth tellar, which is very rare in the lives of a truth tellar or black sheep or a problem child.
I was the truth teller in my family. As a result, I was often the scapegoat. I used to tell my siblings, "I'll take one for the team, guys. I'll call Mom out. She can put me in the doghouse, I don't care. At least when I'm in the doghouse, I don't have to walk on eggshells."
Thanks, Dr. R for your work. It is validating and liberating to know that I'm OK after all!!!
Lbs that's what I do too
You sound just like me!
I’ve lost my entire family for refusing to live in a fantasy world. I often feel lonely and ripped off for not having a healthy family that supports and loves me. It’s taken me a long time to let go of the guilt for not being able to rescue my enabler mother and narc siblings, but I’m a loving, wise person who deserves much better.
You just described exactly how I feel and have felt for years.
Sending love. I completely understand.
This ❤😢
My husband is struggling with this too. His youngest sister has already been cut off from her younger siblings because she refuses to live in my MIL'S delusion. I hope you have found a healthy support net. ❤
💯
I parented my younger sister into a truth teller as well and we were both the black sheep my mother and her family couldn't handle. They were so toxic and abusive and we had to battle them for years. We felt relieved when they died off from a lack of self care and shed no tears.
Truth teller. Now a journalist and writer.
I've cut ties with relatives and friend groups because of this. I would not deny the truth. It can sometimes feel like being a lone wolf, but it is always better than the alternative. The silver lining is that lone wolves are self-reliant, resilient and possess undeniable inner strength. Not everyone can say that about themselves.
P.S. Love the kitty cameos! She's so cute. :)
Amen! I cannot live in anything but the truth. It does get lonely at times though. I've found it very difficult to find other truth tellers.
This video is a synopsis of my life. I remember a Narc family member looking at me and saying "shut up". I hadn't said a word. I'm also grateful for this ability. It has saved me from some potentially horrendous situations. I have watched others suffer horribly because they flatly refused to see the pink elephant in the corner. That taught me to definitely trust & stick to my instincts. Lonely at times - true - still much better off. I haven't ever heard my situation described so accurately before. Thank you Dr Ramani.
@Wendy - Here we are.....
@@venusrising6554 Me too. I used to say I wouldn't pretend like I couldn't see the "pink elephant" shitting in the corner. It can be exhausting but inwardly I'm at peace with myself and my choices.
@Jo Jo - Especially when looking back at the narrow escapes from disaster because you recognized & avoided the danger.
You MUST ALSO be a "truth teller" to be so uncannily accurate in your ability to describe our reality! It's sure nice to know others get it. Thanks for being a positive change in a sick world. We need far more like you.
I was thinking the same thing
The world needs more truth tellers as therapists.
So true. Many parents act like great parents until they aren’t the “hero” anymore to these innocent children. Thats when the bullying/abuse begins. So devastating. I wish tremendous love and healing to any child who has spent their lives healing from one, or two narcissistic parents.
You just told me my life story... The self-doubt, rejection by the Pollyannas and the enablers are such a source of suffering once you reaize those you care about don't want to see what you see. However, the cost of going along with their fantasies are too much to bear, which leads to a lot of lonely days - I eventually found peace by creating my own support system - very much still a work in progress.Thank you again for your continuous validation: it means so much to all of us!
From the comments, there are alot of truth tellers in this community. It's refreshing....
I could have written this comment...but unlike you, I'm only just now finding the courage to try again to build my own support system. Thank you for the inspiration...and I wish you comfort, strength, and much love in your new "tribe." :)
@@rhiannonhutchinson6186 It takes time, but it’s so worth the wait!
To her face, I often called the golden girl Pollyanna
~ ♥ ~ you're perfect just the way you are ☺
When did you get to the sad moment when you realized that your family would never change? They only contact you because they need something and they have never called you to find out how you doing... It took me 20 years to realize that you cannot save your relatives from their behavior patterns, but when I cut ties I felt free for the first time in my life. I can't find any reason to spend a single moment with someone who doesn't appreciate you, family or not.
true
Andres .Amazingly put!So true!
I have just done the same..I was just thinking today there’s another role it’s the truth teller , that’s what I am. And that’s why they hated me. Was great to see this video.
That's why I just cut all contact.
It's sad... My parents also never come visit even if we offer to pay for a bus or want to go fetch them. I always have to go there.
This is ME.. First time hearing about the truth teller.
Just spent two days discussing my feelings about all these very things to my sister and then this video appeared in my feed.
Good to know I'm not nuts.
I was the truth seer and teller. Every time I say something to my mum about the things that happened in my house, she would answer "I don't want any more problems"..... and never say a thing to my dad so he wouldn't get angry.. but she never did a thing to change all of that... she wanted me quiet
It’s very tiring and isolating to see the truth when no one else does. You are called crazy, intolerant and even narcissistic yourself. You get bullied and rejected. I hope one day we can all get along, free from toxic dynamics. Sending love to all my fellow truth-tellers/seers out there. May your path become easier.
Thank you. May yours as well.
Amen!
Bright blessings to all...
Use Your Love from within to care for yourself fellow Truth Teller. Find your peace.
To all my fellow truth tellers, scapegoats knowledge is power, may we all find peace within our truths
My childhood in a nutshell. My mother and her sister couldn't stand me because they couldn't manipulate me. Yet I fell prey to several narcissists in my life. Evidently there were lessons to be learned.
I thought I was wise to the ways of manipulation.
Then one of my in-laws did it to me.
For nearly 8 years, actually. I think I see it now better than ever, several years after that time. I recognize now that I was ignoring some serious red flags because of who they were, and the expectations I had of them.
Kinda scary, honestly.
The narcissists in my life keep getting milder and I keep learning and tracking down befuddled parts of mine. My brother who struggled against his vulnerability to our parents died a few years ago. He would call me every other year or so to share his memories to see if I saw the abuse he suffered (I am the oldest) and then return to his numbing out. Thanks so much!! I really needed this message about being the truth teller today to move through some more of the damage and questioning about my recent social decisions and patterns.
This is me!! From age 4 I could see right through my dad!! He didn't like that I could see & was not fooled by his antics. I was the proverbial scapegoat. I'm older & lot wiser and I still see through people. But I think I married a man who is my dad incarnate 😢
Amen! ❤
It's interesting that there are always more than 1 narcissist in a family, when there is one. Weird isn't it. I never hear we have 1 narc in our family. It's always several.
I was both a truth teller and an enabler to the 2 chief narcissists in my family of origin, my father and sister.
The trauma bonding ran really deep.
It took me 5 and a half decades to realize that I was trauma bonded and that I was enabling their abuse. I also realize that no matter how hard I try to, they refused to listen.
Once I started breaking the trauma bond and going no contact, their attacks magnified exponentially.
They are multi-millionaires and I struggle with poverty as a result of their relentless attacks. I am so grateful for these videos that you produce, they are so validating and helpful. Thank you
Very valuable video indeed! For years I was telling the truth to my family & friends, - diplomatically, politely, kindly, - but honestly. And people were behaving, like slippery eels, trying to avoid the truth. Finally, one of my older relatives told me: "I don't need the truth!" - and it was eyes-opening. I stopped caring for most of them, contacting them, helping them, wasting my time, health & energy on them. And it feels wonderful! NO CONTACT WITH NARCISSISTS - IS THE BEST SOLUTION!
I'm 81, and thank you. I survived because I had a smart aunt who said "you'll either survive and become stronger or you'll end in insane - the choice is yours" - yet being strong doesn't stop others from actively trying to destroy me throughout my life, brutal soul-destroying stuff. Yes, it's lonely, but I'm honest and kind and tough.
Amen sister
I ended up with both being stronger and apparently insane simultaneously. I’m 23 and was raised by a narcissist, I was disowned last year on September 16th 2022 through a text. I am called crazy, and insane, and other equivalents including the r slur, and other things, by random strangers online pretty much at least once a week or more lately. In my case it’s because people can often immediately tell I’m developmentally and mentally disabled, partly because I’ve stopped hiding it and am fatally blunt, and also because I say things that sound ridiculous and impossible and sound like lies or something a child would say rather than just not saying anything often, and that part of me comes from being an open witch, as well as I’m in multiple minorities that are seen as subhuman or less than human by extremists of the current time period in the USA. Many people with my mental and developmental differences end up homeless and our collective abuse is normalized to the point where it’s just kind of really hard to live for a lot of us right now without either completely hiding ourselves entirely (which I refuse to do), or being able to appeal to the systems of power and control (which I won’t do because I did that for 22 years and it only hurt me). It’s been really weird and hard going from someone who was treated as "a good kid" just for living as the lie I was taught to preform except by the narcissist who always treated me poorly, to being treated as "You should die, and you either don’t exist or we will make you suffer forever for daring to exist openly." for no longer masking or living for others. I guess things are just kind of really hard right now. I went from hiding everything about myself, to trying to hide nothing at all and being completely open all the time. But it seems like either way people are going to hurt me however they can no matter what I do. And I don’t know how to just exist without being taken advantage of by everyone under the sun, because I’m an easy target for them. Alot of both autistic, and also trans folks, end up committing suicide because we’re hated so much and if we listen to it and believe what we’re told we just end up dying eventually because no one wants to live like that and our parents don’t want us unless we pretend to be something else. I simultaneously crave connection with everyone, and also fear and shut myself off from everything and everyone because Ive been used and broken over and over and over again. I just want to be safe. I want to be able to leave my house without fearing for my safety. I want to be able to not fear for my partner’s and my own life. I want to be able to openly exist without being attacked. So I pretend that the world is already there. I pretend that it’s okay for me to exist as I naturally developed into. But a big part of me is really scared all the time that someone will come for me and my partner and hurt us in the future or take us away. I think I’m safe right now in my life where I live now. But I’m not used to being safe at all. It’s like I’ve been unsafe for so long that actual safety feels like a trap. I just really hope it’s not a trap. I need something that lasts and isn’t taken away. I’ve had so much taken away.
I know that feeling. Brutal soul destroying.
Thank you for your comment - I’m 51 and a near death accident didn’t stop their “full court press”. I lost my only child to them- I understand she wants a family- so I walk in my light alone. I will never return to a pain source no matter what. I pray my baby sees the light before my end but I will no longer fight to be heard. You gave me strength to survive another holiday - I’ll wear a silk gown and eat a fine meal valuing myself!
Smart aunt.
As the truth seer child I was told to "control" my face which showed EVERYTHING. As the occasional truth teller I had my face smacked - which led to a great deal of self doubt and introversion. Today after much therapy I understand truth seeing/telling as a gift to be wielded with thoughtfulness and care. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I empathize with you, i had mz face smaked soo many time to try and remove the truth it told
@@66ElleCamino I'm sure you did, fellow survivor and thriver! Be well!
Yes! This! My face always gives me away! Ever since i was a kid
Same!
That's fucked up
Yes, I'm a truth teller!!! Always have been and always will be. I'll take the pain and everything that comes with it. My dad once told me that he told his wife, "you know what Karen's problem is...she's sincere." I AM the truth and the light. And So It Is!!!
I'm definitely The Truth teller in my Family 😂❤❤❤
I'm a truth teller and I was also raised in a scapegoat role enduring child abuse (physical, sexual and psychological) from my parents. I was gaslighted and smeared as I started calling out the abuse to my family. People near to my family turned against me from one day to another without telling me why or what had happened. Quite traumatizing! Today I'm in no contact and I feel much better alone together with the truth than together with toxic people in a toxic lie.
I wish u the best I know how u feel
Congrats. i hope you continue to heal on your journey
i hear this. u are not alone at all.
Same exact boat here! This is just the beginning of our comebacks 💪
Probably a generational curse which you have broken!!!!
When I was a teenager, I used to joke that I was immune to guilt because my mother had guilt-tripped me so many times. I gray rocked her from as far back as I can remember as much as I could. It was an extremely lonely childhood (I was an only child), and I've dealt with social anxiety my entire life because not speaking was the safest thing I did growing up.
Oh the continual guilt trips 🙄
Nailed it Lucy 🙌
Agreeing with things to " Keep the Peace " is an emotional response to past Trauma and a serious violation to your boundries that you suffered under the hands of Narcissistic Abuse
I hear you. Xx
What to tell yourself now is "Most people are not like my mother -- so I can take some chances and speak up -- and probably people will welcome most of my remarks"
I'm the scapegoat who was shunned for being honest. I really appreciate this video.
This describes me perfectly! My mother was a narcissistic. I always want to see people treated fairly and I fight for the little person. I feel like that is my life’s purpose
I was 11 or 12 years old when I wrote in my journal, "Dad's aren't supposed to talk to their kids and wife the way dad talks to mom, (brother) and me. One day when I have my own house I'm going to make sure nobody shouts or calls each other names." I also wrote "one day i will live in a house that is clean and warm. One day I'll have a normal life." I imagined exactly how my life would be, and now at 26 much of it has come true.
Being the middle child, and having had both a narcissistic parent and a narcissistic sibling, I had the strange role as the invisible child, the golden child, AND the truth teller, all rolled into one. I don't know how or why this is possible, but I am the only one in my family in therapy, and continue to be the scapegoat. Dr. Ramani's videos have gotten me through some of my toughest days. I cannot appreciate this channel enough. It's like having a veil lifted and it has helped me pave the way to healing, FINALLY. Infinite thank you's, Dr. Ramani. You are a treasure and a life-saver.
YES!! THAT'S JUST IT!!
Truth teller, invisible, and golden child, all in different proportions (at least for me), but all three together.
Ik why that happened for me, at least. My dad wanted me to be like him so badly, he'd just ignore me and dismiss me when I wasn't. So he ignored and dismissed me a lot.
At some point I realized the painful truth that it doesn't matter what I do, how I explain, even how much I yell, he'll never see anything other than a clone of himself.
woah I’m in a very similar situation! I have a narc younger sister and an enabling empathic older brother who’s marrying a very toxic narc :,( It’s so hard to see my big bro go through abuse and can explain it all away. I love him but being around his fiancé literally drains my energy and living with them pushed me into isolation
I'm with you! I'm the youngest of 9. I was invisible most of my life and a helper in that I did what was needed to keep the house on an even keel was i was always told I needed to help my mom. I also have narc siblings and was told to not make waves, let them be, and to just not stand up for myself. Later I moved out of state but came back to care for Mom which is when I entered golden child role. Mom has since passed and now I'm even more of a truth teller which has lead to most of my siblings unfriending me on Facebook and talking smack. When I'm asked on the smack I have found that saying "x is brilliant as x knows my money and how I run my house better than I do as I didn't even know any of that stuff has been happening." It usually stops people in their tracks
@@leaf4958 You are right about the roles changing and meshing. It is complicated. Dr. R is just giving us a simple scaffold on which to build understanding. Each of our experiences will be different, and it is our job to grabble with navigating these complexities.
Yep. I hear you Gab. Middle child here. Narc father and mother (both dead now). Narc older brother, we are over 50 years old now. And the bullshit plays on. What a mess. SMH
As you’ve said, I struggle horribly with self doubt. I’m getting better and better everyday, and its so validating to hear a complete strangers prerecorded video describing who I am. Thank you
Yes, very true. I have disowned an entire 1/2 of my family, with no regrets.
This hit me so hard I’m in tears because this is the first time I feel validated as a truth teller. Sometimes I feel like the world hates me because the world loves lies. Thank you ☺️
That is exactly why the world hates us. The Bible says pretty much the same thing in John 15:19: “If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I (Jesus) chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you."
I also struggle with this. You are not alone and we fellow truth tellers support you!
I told the truth but noone was listening. Eventually I just walked away.
Yep and ironically, I ended up becoming a Christian at a young age… it’s really sad how much toxicity and controlling people have found their way into so many religious organizations. We never hear this. Talked about in a real sense, except for calling out BS things about controlling spirits and nothing about the actual way people act controlling in these religious settings.
Me too, i am so happy to feel at last validated, and even more so by someone as trustworthy and inspiring and professional as you, dr Ramani and whom i admire very much. Thank you so much.
I was a truth-seer who tried to be a golden child, because the only available love was conditional. Thankfully I've seen the light.
I feel that! Stay strong!
same here. It's a difficult road to travel.
I'm definitely a truth teller. You described my childhood perfectly. My father was abusive, as was his mother, both emotionally and with S.A. I saw something off with them, and avoided them. With both friendship and romance, nothing lasted long because once I see a potential resolution to a problem, I address it.
I am 51, single without a friend in the world. Because I have learned, people cannot handle the truth.
I am very self critical but with characteristics of a freeze response to stressors (unless submerged into chaos, then I'm cool as cucumbers). A hard life, you don't say.
The truth teller may be the perfect archetype towards hermiticism.
Thanks for the clarity Dr. 🎉👍🏻
(P.S. > The only family I am in contact with us my mother. Even with that, not very often).
🎯I am the "Truth Teller" of my Family of Origin. Always knew I was an "Empath", even as a young child, yet never knew there was a word for it! You described it PERFECTLY🥇🎯💯thank you for this! It's an extremely difficult & precarious position to be in, especially in this day & age. Yet without "Truth Tellers" especially today, there would be MORE deception, MORE injustice & ultimately, just chaos & Anarchy on the broader scope. You are such an amazing Gift to the World, Dr. Ramani❤️ I am SO grateful for you, your expertise, your diligence & long, long hard hours of getting Narcissistic Abuse Awareness out there. You truly put your heart into it. 🥇You are clearly THE leading Expert in the field & also Psychology as a whole. You are beautiful inside & out!🌹 TY for ALL you do for all of us & it is an HONOR to know you & love you! 💜💜💜 You are a L.I.F.E.S.A.V.E.R.💯🙏🏼❤️©️
The truth teller is seen as "The Black Sheep" of the family
So true.
I am a truth-teller. I knew by age 4 that I was basically "on my own" in my family of origin. I spent a lot of time outdoors. I was always looking for ways to challenge myself mentally and physically. I was a voracious reader. I became a solo cellist and an environmentalist. I excelled in school. These skills were my ticket out. Eventually I became a school administrator where I was able to help thousands of children find their way through tough situations. I excelled at working with high at-risk youth - those living with disabilities, gang-affiliations, poverty, abuse and neglect. I was able to pay it forward for the next generation. I agree that it would help our society if we had more truth-tellers. I can feel very "alone" at times. Thank you for all the work you do - you are making a positive difference in our world.
You’ve done a beautiful thing. You’re an inspiration 💝
Amazing🙏
❤
wow, I applaud you!! somehow I managed to free myself from them, live independently, but I couldn´t find my way to contribute yet.
Similar. I think this is why we have to go through those things. Our empathy excells at seeing it in others and we can be there for them too. Path builder and good leader for them too. Right on! (But we shouldn't have had to deal with it. It doesn't make it right.)
Definitely true for me. My mother and younger sister were my first bullies. They can’t stand me now because I’m not sweeping lack of accountability under the rug. It got so bad we physically fought. They rather fight than take the accountability smh.
So relieved to hear about this role definition. I was the truth teller, but my dad the enabler, hushed me and had many non-verbal ways to stop me from speaking up. He could escape from narcissistic mom but I had to endure her everyday. I even pushed and engaged other adults to get us to counseling at age 15. They both denied all dysfunction in those meetings. I pleaded to dad but he lied about the situation to save face. I left the night I turned 18. My only sibling brother is narcissistic and like my mom. Victim mentality and gaslighting most situations. Makes me want a chemical brain malfunction cause and effect theory.
Now my dad is a shell of a person trauma bonded and a major learned helpless old man. Mom still verbally and emotionally abuses him. It's heart breaking and maddening. He won't change. When I say anything remotely factual he holds up his hand. He hurt me as much, if not more, for never protecting me from the abuse.
Dr Ramani just told me my whole childhood. My parents would promise me things/say things to me and then claim they never said it. They would even tell me to do things and then get mad when I did them and say they never asked me to do those things and punish me. I used my boom box to record them because they used to accuse me of lying about it. When I played the tape that proved they were lying, I got hit and screamed at for recording them. They were angry people but being recorded was something that enraged them so much that it scared me and I never trusted them from that point. Now I look back and it’s wild that a kid making an audio tape was considered my biggest sin by my parents. Now kids make videos all the time and it’s normal. So mind boggling to me.
I had this experience too & my parent didn’t like me keeping a diary because I wouldn’t be able to “forget” the mistakes they made and move on.
Lol! I did that once. Oh boy, did I get into trouble. (looking back with a smile on my face)
I got so angry and I wrote every curse word in my head in a book. I guess you can say I went a bit too far
Thats awesome and honestly heroic!
It’s not about the recording. It’s about holding them accountable which provokes their internal shame which they automatically reject and then react in defence with external rage
I’m grappling with taking off the rose colored glasses when viewing my family. The truth is, they ALL knew I was being horribly abused and looked the other way and GOOD PEOPLE DO NOT BEHAVE THAT WAY. Realizing this is horribly painful but so is living in denial and drinking the trauma away. The anxiety is almost unbearable, but this needs to happen for me to destroy this sick cycle.
My Mother took me 500 miles away from my Dad and my entire family…I was brought to an abuser… a man in the army of all places…🤷♀️
I’m so angry with her right now …I’ve been going through Hell and she can’t even be bothered to help me…she is the Abuser I have now realised.
God bless you. I’m so sorry… you are the better person…never forget that. 💜
You are making a good start. Keep at it. You are worth it.
I go back and forth between thinking I’m the braindead waste of space my dad has been clear to paint me as to discredit my every thought and idea and believing I’m a capable, smart person who has an awful family. I hope you have or can find some solid friends to counter the negative crap as my neighbours have been my saving grace. We all deserve a supportive family but in my opinion if blood is thicker than water, you’re dehydrated. We have the ability to create our own families full of people who lift us up. Chances are that having been through this, you’re a kind, understanding person and the world needs more of them. Do what you need to do for yourself and try your best not to let the irrational guilt of it all stop you. Hope you’re in an alright place
They did you wrong but if any of them admit it and are sorry, try to forgive. If they are toxic, it's ok to reduce or stop contact with them. This has worked for me.
Yes it's like we're just tired of living with these people and when I read about verses in the Bible describing wicked people it pertains to abusers/violent people most often.
Thanks I feel the same way but since I have a slight disability it's been a nightmare because I've had to live with my mom longer due to inflation/financial needs who's not the worst but has borderline and denies the abuse and abusive people she chose to enter my life at a younger age when I warned her each time.
The hard part is I'm a saver and still struggle to launch but I'm always contributing. I'm considering just moving one state over where it's affordable in Kentuckybut I'd miss my supportive church friends dearly.
Welcome any advice if you have it...
I was the golden child but around age 8 I saw what was happening and made a conscious choice to become a what Dr R is calling a truth teller. I was devastated beyond words by the way my father treated my mother and brother. But making that choice hasn’t made any of those relationships easier/healthier. My brother sees me as the crazy one. My mother will perpetually enable. And I don’t consider my father to be my father… it’s a mess no matter what. And, yes, like someone else here said, I don’t think any or many of us escape without taking on some toxic traits ourselves despite the very best of intentions. Always be looking at yourself. Peace and kindness to y’all. Peace and kindness even if it doesn’t come from who you dearly wished it would. ✌️ ❤️
This makes alot of sence to me. I was always made to feel wrong or guilty by narcissistic enablers and supporters when i stood up for myself or against them or the abusive games. I was the TRUTH and they hated it, hated me because I saw it.
I think people in general are intimidated by truth tellers. They may have respect for a truth teller, on some level, but tend to keep a distance interpersonally. Being a truth teller is a lonely existence for this reason, and also because we are guarded, untrusting, and cynical people. It’s very difficult for a truth teller to be care free and throw caution to the wind when engaging with people.
A narcissist is afraid of truth tellers and works extra hard at discrediting and minimizing them. Truth tellers are dangerous to the narcissist.
Yeppers..
That's why I have cpsd from both parents and some member of family
@@musicandpoetry_8 “over sensitive” is a classic narcissist response. It’s never what they’ve done wrong. I got that all the time, also. Walk away.
@@musicandpoetry_8 sorry you’re going thru it. It’s so painful. The best thing I did to help myself heal was to learn everything I could about the narc family system, the hows, the whys, the whos. And I learned to love myself and my own company. It will get easier and easier and you will have more and more peace. It’s so scary to walk away from it all because you are trauma bonded. You can’t fathom that you will be ok without them. And we all want to belong to our family, to our blood. I don’t know your situation at all, but cutting ties or at least limiting them is very frightening for anyone living in a narc family system.
Were the same❤️You will become a very skilled lying detectior as you will be able to differ people "judge" them in a way but yes let's call out their true persnaimitys really lous all of a sudden at gathering they dont have aNU friends thr my have each other the dogs and Katja is the perfect human being onthe planet. Who wangs their money . I told them i dont want theirs bit i' d e glad and Universe might let them through the hate ?abslutely not" their harde jiones actually is the inlumy thing we have in connon eavan IF they "d c me bands and simuch as a hild the'd laugh so i did Gl haha just to keep them that way so it didnt evenualky ger the slightest chance to take a utur n and just race o er meme for Anout 40 ~ or morr it sasline sessionsi HATE THEM yes IDO...Love light & prace to you friend❤️
I grew as a truthteller and scapegoat. Iam a Native American who was adopted by parents with a Savior Complex and I grew up in Southern California. I was expected to perform and when I stopped wanting to perform for them, I was ostracized...as an eight year old. I also have Aspergers. that did not help. I get a lot out of your videos. I am a substance use disorder therapist in Colorado and continue to be avoidant and distrusting. I get a lot of insight about me and my family from your videos. Thank you.
Sorry this happened to you. And no. Aspergers does not help when the people who have you want a performance, not a person.
Respect
I thought I had aspergers. But it turns out it was just narcissistic abuse. I'm not saying you're not, but I did want to make you aware the two appear very similar, especially in women. I'm not a licensed practitioner of any kind.
@@juliai3956 No kidding. I thought I had Asperger's after experiencing narcissistic abuse too.
That's terribly harsh.
Being raised by folks who teach and discipline with the unapologetic truth is what I accredit my being a kind of truth teller to. It’s a lonely kind of life sometimes because so many people expect a pushover in every one. When a person is authentic and honest about their boundaries they’r e a troublemaker or a beyotch.
My heart goes out to you all that have suffered in this way. I understand feeling like a black sheep, rocking the boat, calling people out on their BS. Unfortunately, some of the closest people in my life are some of the unhealtiest. They want me to be like them, sweep things under the rug, ignore and not acknowledge facts. I won't do that. The enabling takes it to another level. It feels so sad that they're all still so immersed in not being factually correct, dismissing so naturally, FACTS. I see these patterns everywhere from politicians, family, ex friends, exes, etc. I'm on my path to healing, fortunately. I wish you all receive all you need, and may we each continue to learn, grow, and evolve into healthier beings. I'm rooting for you all. ❤ and thank you, Dr. Ramani.
"Oh no here we go again" just happened yesterday. I had my child and I packed and out of there within an hour. Truth tellers need to walk and act in confidence. There aren't many of us, so don't expect a bunch of pats on the back. Expect to be ridiculed and even lied about. Your reward is your sanity, safety and a higher quality of life that has nothing to do with materialistic "things."
Thank you Dr. Ramani for the work you do. Very much needed.
Beautifully said! 💖
Aint that the truth. Amen, sister.
"Your reward is sanity": that deserves a T-shirt. Amem!
@@lucianasser I keep trying to leave you a comment, but it's getting deleted automatically.
I think thats a great shirt. Thank you for the idea. I will post it to my site The Pursuit of Happiness Matters asap. Dot the most popular extension. Thanks again!
I remember a family member saying years ago "we all have to put up with it" annoyed at me speaking out as if I thought I was better than the rest of the family. The sheer illogic of that statement made me freeze like I was trying to figure out an algebra problem in the air. I couldn't articulate then that no, actually, I believe we're all worthy of respect. I just had to finally leave. Thank you for acknowledging the truth-tellers. We're not used to it.
Simply true.
Reminds me of the concept of learned helplessness
Yes!!! My sister has NPD and I told her fiancee that marriage won't make her any better of a person, and she will act this way toward her children too, and he said "well, my mom lived with abuse for 40 years, so I can do it too" and he didn't care if his future children got abused either, he just said that he grew up with it so his kids can do it 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ I was just absolutely astounded that he flexed the fact that his dad broke a guitar on him. He refused to believe that he was worth loving and respecting! I just told him that it was his choice 🤷♀️
My father told me about a story about how my mother freaks out whenever he to loads the dishwasher. She doesn't want him to scratch any of the dishes by them bonking around. Now, she's got nerve damage and other issues, to the point where she can't stay standing too long, so she can't clean the dishes.
My father ended up compromising, rinsing the dishes, and leaving them for her to load them into the dishwasher.
My father told me this, trying to tell me the lesson of "sometimes, there are battles you are not going to win." The lesson I took away from that was "She doesn't trust you to take care of the dishes. What else doesn't she trust you with?"
This video made me realize that my brother is a truth teller. Me? I’m more of a helper and our oldest brother is a fixer. This video made me appreciate him more than I already did
This brought tears to my eyes.😢for years I've been searching to understand my behaviour..I even thought I had symptoms of autism or even ADHD because of all the mending/people pleasing I had to do. I went from having a narcissistic mom with her own childhood traumas that were never healed straight into an abusive relationship that ended with an unexpected pregnancy and me literally run away for my life. I'm ok now but the journey wasn't easy. I now have two daughters that I am super protective of and I suffer with anxiety and mild depression. THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO. It truly gave me closure I have been searching for within myself- that is trying to move on without the deep urge to confront certain hurt from the past. My tomorrow as it it's God's will shall definitely be a fresh outlook at so much in life.❤
Nice to have a name for who I am. 58 years old and never understood where my feelings were coming from. Thanks for your help
Wow. You just described my whole life. This is the first time I’ve heard anyone say anything hopeful or positive about the kind of life I’ve had. Thanks for that.
yeah she did to me too..
Spot on for me too. This is extremely validating to hear after 53 years. So much was stolen from us… so much
@@kristinnorgaard6238 yes so much bee taken from us. felt so stupid
Me too.
So helpful for me too.
When I was five years old I looked my mom dead in the eye and said, "Dad is mean, you should get a divorce".
To everyone who has experienced this truth-teller/scapegoat dynamic: I see you. I love you. You were right
Wow...so crazy...I did the exact same thing at that same age.
I didn't know what divorce was at that age.
I waited until I was 18,
Hey! You know you don't have to stay with him because of the kids anymore!
Leave him!
"Oh," she says, "I don't want to be alone."
Pathetic!
It’s so nice knowing I’m not the only one who did this 💛
I feel you. When I was 7 my Mom asked what I wanted for Christmas 🎄. I too said a divorce from Daddy
I remember saying that too. But she stuck with him and one day she dropped dead and left four kids with the "mean man".
This really opened my eyes that I wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t the selfish one the whole time, it’s like a burden was lifted off my shoulders, thank you so much for this, I needed it
Thank You Dr Romani ✅❤️
Yes they called me a cry baby but I just knew things were not fair or fun … my older siblings picked on me but I shielded the younger siblings and went into education as a career and stuck up for the ‘under dogs’ 🐕 🐩 🐶 ❤
My mom told me once that she’s afraid of me becoming a writer because she knows I’ll write a book about her.
Omg please do 😂😂😂😂 her saying that means that you should
If she wanted to be remembered fondly, she would have behaved better.
Sounds like you should.
Anne LaMott wrote, "If you wanted me to say nice things about you, you should have been a lot nicer to me."
People who fear the truth are the ones who deny it. But those who know it, don't fear it.
My mom tells a story of me pushing back against my grandmother at 4 years old for being mean to my mom, and she says that was the day I decided I didn’t like my grandmother anymore. I’ve seen right through her narcissism my entire life and have always been hushed and gaslit by all of the adults in my family. My mom was the only one who understood me, but she fell victim to the “that’s just the way it is, honey” mentality. I’m happy to be a truth-teller. And I will always tell my truth. ♥️
I'm sorry. It's the ones with the "that's just how it is" personality that hurt the most in my experience. They should have helped, or at least been on your side.
Only yours?
We should be friends. This is my life story you're telling.
Wow, I had to ask my daughter if she wrote this. She said you sound like her twin soul or something.
I literally had to double check if I wrote this post and had forgotten. Exactly me. The first person I disliked in this world was my grandmother, I was 3 or 4 years old, and was from disgust out how she treated everyone, particularly her daughter, my mother. To this day my mother is defeatist and fatalistic, she never tries to improve her life or make anything better because she has a kind of "life sucks then you die" mindset.
This is exactly my older sister. I didnt see it for many years after she saw it. She got outside the family system, by the time she was 16 i was stuck in it til 2007 when i was 51. I have the utmost respect tor her
I am a truth teller. I wish I knew this as a child. It would show that there is nothing odd about me...that I am a force to be reckoned with. Thanks Dr. Ramani!!!
My mother was a high conflict, high stress, and highly combative narcissist. I was the truth-teller and the empath of the family, and boy did I get it. It was horrible, but I am glad I survived and am still in perpetual recovery.
YES!
Right there with you, Lance! Keep up the good stuff 🙂
Same and same. I've lived in survival mode for 37 years. I'm tired.
"perpetual recovery".... This. I realised that it was a permanent ongoing recovery. Why I choose to stay child free.
I have cpsd couse of it
I dont think being a true teller was good for Me...I am trying to heal from the abuse of all my family and others till this day...
I’m the truth teller in my family. I had no words for it when I was younger but my mom was always mad at me for saying the truth and recognizing the odd things. I went grey rock years before I understood it and I’m the one who left and never will I go back. Almost 2 yrs of freedom from the crazy family. I recognize the crap, I call it what it is. It is sad and lonely at time because even though I saw the weirdness, I thought they loved me and cared about me. They showed their true colors about that one and that’s when I left. Glad I’m gone. It’s taken some therapy to get through a lot of it. One great thing for me as a truth teller, I didn’t look for crazy when I got married. I looked for stability and I found a great husband and we have a great family. I broke the cycle and I’m very proud of it.
Knowing and telling the truth will set you free
The first time I've ever seen anything on this topic. Surrounded by a family of liars, I held onto my truth to keep myself grounded. I endured a lot of abuse over it. Dang, this hit hard.