The younger they are the better they know. Because babies and very young children FEEL. They don't understand the lies their parents tell them. All they know is that something is off.
I met a horse today who came to a ranch traumatized & wouldn’t come near people or other horses. She wasn’t physically abused & she was well fed & groomed, but she was ignored, the “spare” who got very little attention while her owners favored riding & interacting with her stable mates who got all the love & attention. That’s my story too!
@@bamereg Exactly! I was hospitalized at a young age, separated from my family & while I was crying for my mommy another patient snuck into my room & comforted me. She climbed onto my bed, held me, stroked my face & hair, & sang me to sleep. I never experienced that before or after with my mom. That one experience felt so right to me it revealed my parents’ deficit. When the youngest was born late in mom’s life she made no effort to hide that this child was her favorite, the Golden Child. Seeing her get that affection, love & attention I was denied undermined my feelings of worth. It wasn’t that mom was incapable, it was her choice!
yes, true. but that is the moment when you realize that you are both the parent and a child to yourself and you treat yourself like you would like you've been treated from a side of your parents. it is not easy but it is the only way you can keep going through life. so, start to adore this little child you were. the fact you were not loved like you deserved, that is a problem in your emotionally "retarded" parents, nothing to do with you. jus love love love! ❤️
...unless you forgive them and yourself, as well. But forgiveness takes work, a lot of work. And if you fail to let go, you will be the burdened one...not them!
@@sintezaproteina Therapy can be very helpful. I have availed myself of therapy on numerous occasions. I also studied psychology at college. My trained mind can understand the pathology of my parents now. But the heart still hurts. I mourn the parents I never had. Probably always will. Sigh.
"Someone who was not fully invited into the world. They seem like visitors, outsiders who might leave any minute." 😢 The story of my life. ❤ Thank you.
Or you feel like they want you to leave. My mom didn't tell anyone she was pregnant. She had Hepititis and was hospitalized for this before I was born. I was an unwelcome surprise.
You are so right. As a tiny child I often wondered why my parents spent all their time with the other two and never me. I felt like I was an experiment. Things really turned when I was moved out the house into the servants quarters at the bottom of the garden at 8 years old. Not long after they took me to court and handed me to government. I ran away and lived on the evil streets. What made it worse is that it was in Africa where no child has it easy from evil gangs.
😢The story of me, as well. There was so MUCH shame placed on me. I was and STILL am, the black sheep. I spoke TRUTH, and was victimized. I was born premature. My mother was told by her Doctor, after she had my 2nd sister, she should NOT attempt to get pregnant again, due to difficulty. She desperately wanted to give my Daddy a boy, although, my Daddy already having 3 son's by his first wife. One son (half-brother) died around a year old, with I believe I remember Daddy said he passed from pneumonia. Do Momma (AGAINST Doctor's orders) got pregnant with me. She developed Toxemia, and she'd often go throughout the house in a shrieking 😱tone, screaming: Dr. ----- said "the O-N-L-Y thing that saved MY life, was your being born too early.". I remember being around 5-6 years of age, I ran to garden area behind our first tiny home, with my bucket & shovel, digging in the dirt, as I sang: " Thank You, God that I didn't kill mommy." 😢😭I had to stay in incubator from birthday 11/30 to mid-January the next year. I was consistently reminded, that Mom wanted me to be a boy. She got pregnant again and FINALLY had the golden boy, she ALWAYS wanted. My oldest sister from same Mom, often told me, viciously, "I used to see momma, while pregnant with you, she'd stick her fingers down her throat, attempting to SPEW you from her womb !" I am almost 62, and have carried this LIE from the pit of hell, causing me intense internal pain, sadness, etc. But I KNOW God and Jesus Christ wanted me in this world. Jeremiah 29:11-14a. I'm so grateful for my LORD 🙌✝️👑🥰🙏
We all have such similar stories. Know this, the Divine loved you into being and you are worthy. With an open mind and heart, observe your life and the people in it. Mentally, remind yourself of your true beauty. Mentally, call out the lies you are being told about yourself. Nurture yourself until you get stronger and know that a day will come when you will walk out with your head held high. In the meantime, learn about your options, resources, and find helpful information. You are strong. You will make better choices, with better information. You can do this!
Emotional Neglect and being unwanted as a child is utterly debilitating throughout your life. It's the 'quiet' kind of trauma that went completely ignored for decades. I grew up in the 60s and it has scared my entire life.
@@ScorpionMaiden75 Oh my father was violent. He would kicked my brother around the living room like a football... Thankfully that aggression was not directly focused upon myself most of the time. But I know what you are likely to have had to endure as a child!
So true it’s happened to me. I’ve been rejected by my brother completely. It’s so surreal for me as it’s only now that I’ve woken up to why I am like this
Its very true. I made the comment and I,m from Lisbon born in 1951, and one of my brothers he is exactly like my mom. He hates me to the core,like she did, they both. Hate my existence... What a demonic people She pass away in 2006 with colon Cancer Guess who took care her? Me if course... I decided early in life not to be like her, and that helped me a lot..and made me stronger.
I was invited into the world until I was born. Then I was uninvited because I'm a girl. No ultrasound back in that day, so no way to tell the sex until the birth. When I was born, it was a huge letdown. I'm the oldest, they wanted the firstborn child to be a boy.
@@BoopOnYourNose my parents had me because the adoption of a little boy fell through. My sisters were in their teens. I was fun as an infant, but out of that stage I was a sickly nuisance. One sister will tell anyone to this day how much she hates me (she's 82). My mother would do anything to keep me out of the house. And when I was in the house I was the maid. I was told I was bred to take care of them. And I did until they died. The only unconditionall love I've known came from a horse. I miss him so much. I turned out unable to trust anyone who doesn't have four legs.
I am an adoptee, late 60's, when they thought babies were a "blank slate".... we never get any recognition for our suffering. we're just supposed to be gratefull and keep our mouth shut, and smile
As an adoptive mother, I would get so mad at people who would say things like what you describe people say to you. When my kids would have questions about their pasts or where they came from, people would say things like, 'You're just lucky to have parents and you should be grateful." Horrible thing to say to adopted people.
It's weird because I am an unwanted child. However, I came to realise that I didn't need an invitation, I came on my own terms. I have found so much power in that, actually.
I realized I was unwanted and spent too much time wondering if I was supposed to do something to make up for it somehow. But then one day I thought, You know what? God decided that this world needed a person just like me and he sent me. So if no one can be happy about it that's just too bad. That's their problem, not mine, and I'm not going to spend my whole life apologizing for taking up space here on planet earth! God has His reasons. Anyone who has a problem with God's plan can just take it up with Him!
I was the family surprise after 8 years. My dad refused to talk to me, he would tell my mom to tell me things he refused to talk directly to me, he refused to sit next to me, he refused to look at me and never once did I get a hug from him. My mom couldn't stand to look at me because I looked like my dad and said no man would ever want me. My mom always said she wished I was never born, and I was her problem. At the age of 16 I left and now at the age of 67, my only regret is I didn't leave earlier. I had to undue all the mental damage that was done and once I realized it was not me, I healed.
I was unwanted to the point of being hated by my mother. She lied about it to everyone until she died and never was able to show me love. I do everything I can to make sure my children know how easy it is to love them and how glad I am to have them in my life.
I'm sorry you had that experience, I'm so glad you endured. I'm eternally grateful you were able to plant the seeds of love in your children. I pray you have peace 🕊️, enjoy every minute you can with them.
I had the same experience, my mother had nothing to spare for me, life had been such a disappointment for her. As a result I am unable to form lasting relationships and at 63 am in a codependent relationship with a woman who was beaten as a child. We failed to have children because of the lack of joy in my heart.
My parents did not want me and my father took every opportunity to TELL me as much. The emotional, physical, sexual abuse I lived through caused 67 yrs of damaged life. I've worked in therapy for 40 plus years but you can't undo the trauma. No child should be born unwanted. EVER
That's why when my stupid live-in girlfriend got " accidentally" pregnant I told her " It's your body but I can't be a father". She's the one who told me that an IUD only lasted 4 years. Yet she went 6 years without changing it. What I'm most proud of in my life; not having an unwanted child with a miserable bitch who lived in an imaginary dream world.
@@vickikenton5439 How come then that those who are counting themselves as nothing, and who are willing to lay their lives down for others, are considered heroes?
When my daughter was 4 she asked me “mommy do you remember when you and daddy had a fight and you went into the little blue bathroom and cried”? She then mimicked what I did during that event which was to sit on the floor of the bathroom and hug my knees to my chest. I remembered that scenario n clearly. The strange thing about her question is that I was 3 months pregnant with her when that happened and never told her of that fight after she was born. She even knew the color theme in the bathroom because it was in fact, blue. She was also a twin, but my body absorbed the other fetus by my 8 week checkup. I found out I was pregnant very early and the twin was visible using the “dildo cam” internal ultrasound. When my girl was about 5, she told my dad that she had a little brother that didn’t make it. Fetuses know a lot more than we think that they do.
We don’t choose our parents, but God chooses us and He determines the time and places where we live according to the Bible Acts17:26. He sends us with a purpose and we are deeply loved.❤
I've heard that we choose our parents. If that's true, I got here and realized I had made a terrible horrible mistake that you can't take back! I felt so hopeless as a child. My parents wanted a boy, but I showed up. I was a tomboy kid,t that didn't work. When I became a girly girl, that created even more conflict. .My mother kept picking at my looks, appearance, my father said I'would never amount to anything because im female. My brothers on the other hand got praise for everything they did. When they ran over the neighbors lawn with the car, the police got called, nothing happened to them. No punishment, no taking the car away, nothing. But if I made one wrong move there was he'll to pay. I got out as soon as I could. My parents failed and sabotaged me at every turn. I had to put the pieces of my life back together as a young adult. It was hard work, and now they've both passed, so they can't hurt me anymore. I finally found the family I felt I deserved with my husband and his parents. I had a wonderful life with them, and still do. Sorry for the long rant. Thanks in advance if you read all this..
Adopted in 68, at 2 weeks old. I was always told I should be grateful by everyone and treated like I was an endentured servant that had better know my place and ridiculed mercilessly. Which caused me to be the entertainer of the family and to fawn over everyone, just short of worshipping the ground they walk on, because they expected it. Let's just say, at 55, I'm over it and no longer talk to any of them.
May I ask what's next? The steps are gradual yet continual. As we move forward we do so looking for bright sides even if we have to create the bright side for ourselves. I personally have a relationship with God, being in a relationship with God has given me a joy that I cannot describe. The kind of Joy I speak of, is habit of smile on my face when my circumstances or surroundings suggest that I be sad, fearful and crying... However, happiness is a temporary emotion. I am the one responsible for that.
Tim, everything you said. The self loathing. The feeling of never belonging. The feeling of being a burden. That's HUGE in my life. Always worrying about of someone is mad at me or I'm interfering in their time. I truly don't even know where to start but you are so spot on. THANK YOU. I had collic as a baby my mother said so I would think that further interfered in the bonding. My mom only pays attention to my older brother. She only cares about him. I'm invisible or she's passive aggressive.
Seven, oh. Well also, I am not saying this solves the problem but you might need to cut ties with her and find a support group even if you have to go from group to group until you come across the right one. Also, remember, there is nothing wrong with you if she was a jerk and search out some support groups until you find the right one.
I don't usually comment on videos because I feel like my thoughts are "unwanted", but this resonated with me so much and felt compelled to share. I was an “accident” and my parents would tell me and my brothers that they would take us to an orphanage when we made them mad. They would often say things like "i hate you and I wish you were never born". They even left my brothers on the side of the rode and drove away saying that the "new family" was going to pick them up, and drove down the street and picked them up a few minutes later. I now experience every result on that list. Feeling so unworthy of love, relationships, good jobs, even sabotage my own health because I feel deep down like I never should have existed in the first place. You really did a great job explaining exactly what it feels like to be an unwanted child and put words to things that I have felt but didn't know how to explain. I especially liked how you distinguished the unconscious wish to die as a separate point from "sewerslidal" fantasies. I really don't want to die, but ever since I was a kid I have felt deep down this wish to die gnawing at me like a hunger pang, but instead of starving for food, I was starving for love and belonging. It really is a LIFETIME of trauma, but understanding where our trauma comes from and knowing we're not alone is such a big step in the healing process. Thank you for everything you do to help people understand their trauma.
Thank you for your post. I was very affected by what you wrote and went through. I was also an unwanted child and always had "sewersidal" thoughts. I couldn't wait to leave home and have always felt alone even if I had friends. Lack of trust has always been an issue for me as well as the feeling I had to do things for people. Watching this video was enormously helpful.
❤ I got told about “the naughty girls home”. The book “it didn’t start with you” is useful for working through generational trauma in the healing process. ❤
Wow! My parents did the "take you to an orphanage" thing as well. In fact, my older sister spent her first day of kindergarten wondering what she did wrong that got her sent away. That being said, my mother was also an unwanted child. I try to forgive her especially finding out that much of what her mother did to her, she did to me. But it's still hard, and even this week, I wanted to make a sign for my office that says First, Last, and Only Survivor.
My mother told me at a very young age that I was unwanted. My two older sisters would tell me I was adopted and she would laugh hysterically at that. She said I was a very quiet baby, rarely cried. I always kept myself small around her. Obviously there was no connection between us and throughout my teen years she was disgusted with my existence because she was unhappy with my father and expected me to make her life happy. I moved tothe west coast and pretty much went no contact. As she aged she would call me and tell me I needed to move closer to “home”. When she died I felt nothing.
It’s annoying how mothers play this game. How on EARTH can they think their abuse is forgivable just because you spent 9 months in their belly!?! My mom left when I was two, came back when I was 12 at the pleading by my dad’s parents when he was on his deathbed. No one else would take care of my brother and me. I had a hard time putting up with her abuse and manipulation, and even attempted a relationship a few times once I had a child. She would ask/accuse why I am so defiant and standoffish. I told her if she wanted another victim to add to her ring of losers, she should’ve raised me so I would be bonded to her and be sufficiently insecure.
Thank you for your post. People often talk about "mother love" as if it is a reflex that every woman feels for her child. Of course this isn't true and children know when they are not loved. The effect this has had on my life was significant. When I was a teenager and friends would come over, they inevitably said, "After meeting your family, I think the stork tripped." Listening to this podcast, I was able to forgive myself for the problems I've had, and the choices and actions I took. My mother made it clear I was a burden to the family, and I should be grateful for whatever I got. I, too, moved to the West coast and had little to do with my family. But it was quite hurtful when I found out one of my brothers did not even mention to his wife that I existed and when my parents disowned me and informed the rest of the family that I was no longer a part of them. I felt like my very existence had been erased by them.
I was an unwanted baby. My aunt told me once I was the result of a rape. My whole family was dysfunctional. I looked after my mother since I was 6 and until she died, she always said she’d tell me on her deathbed who my father was, she said it was my father after all. She hurt me so much, I have many problems but grew up clever (no education) and very good looking all that helped, but I have a never ending emptiness inside. I married but never had children. This is the first ever explanation that helps me. Good bless all of us.
@@Parakeetfriend4215 You just listened to all of the harm caused even in utero when the mother is stressed out and doesn't want a pregnancy, and you are prepared to legislate that all of these babies get born anyway - into a country that doesn't value mental health or taxes or collective responsibility for the health of all citizens, no less. Good grief.
Question your relationship with your aunt. No one should tell you such a traumatic statement. You must've known how you were unwanted and she validated it but added to the injury. Hopefully you can get some excellent help to discuss this horrible pain. I hope you feel safe and loved by yourself one day and create a the life you really desire.
I was in my late 60’s before I was able to face the truth of being unwanted. I was the third girl, they were so disappointed when I was 2 months old my dad actually drank a potion given to him with the guarantee he’d conceive a boy this time and it worked. My baby brother was born one week before my 1st birthday. It’s a story my parents loved to tell over & over. It’s part of our “Family Story” with no regard for how that would affect me. I experienced rejection after rejection, bullying by siblings, scapegoating, and devaluing my right to life, expecting me to sacrifice myself for others. I concur that with time, motivation, & work I will come to love myself and pursue the things that bring me happiness & joy.
A similar story. I am the second girl and unwanted because obviously my mom wanted a boy. She would speak openly about what she had to do when having sex with my father so that she would conceive a boy, and miraculously it worked! I was always on the outside looking in.
Thank you. I was told I wasn't "planned" my dad had a vasectomy before I was conceived. I was told it was a "happy" accident but was treated with anger and spite. Everything was my fault. My older sisters were blameless little angels but I was somehow responsible and punished for everything they did. I was accused of lying, being "rebellious" and making life difficult for them. I deeply sensed I was not wanted from a young age. My parents always found reasons to be unhappy with me. I was the only born with "problems". I have adhd, epilepsy, chronic lifelong insomnia and a learning disability. But instead of getting my any help, even for my seizures, I was just accused of making my parents lives difficult. I was labeled "the difficult one" and the "rebellious" one because my parents didn't understand my adhd wasn't just me "wanting to be difficult". When I tried to defend myself and speak up, I was screamed at and told to "stop being defiant". They never wanted to understand me. They wanted to hate me and blame me for everything that was wrong in their lives. My sisters even treated me like I was some type of alien. It was a such a sad and lonely experience There are no words to describe how alone I felt.. The most emotional and painful time of my life was my childhood. I was even having existential crises at a 5. I thought I might have a figment of someone's imagine, I thought I wasn't real. I wanted to run away. The good thing is, because of skepticism, I was able to break away from my families' religious cult. I was able to form my own opinions and be way more open-minded they ever dreamt of being. I had nothing to lose, they hated me anyway. As soon as I turned 18 I ran off and got married to someone even worse. He completely fooled me. But i was young and naive, etc... Of course that ended in divorce. He was emotionally and physically abusive and that marriage ended in divorce. Just now, 40 years later, I am finally getting into therapy. It is my turn to be happy.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.larks I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I was a “suprise” as I was born 8 years after the youngest of 3 was born. I knew from an early age my father wasn’t happy to have another child. I always felt like my father resented me and I had a very difficult relationship with him. I carried around the believe for 54 years that if my own father didn’t love or want me no one would. Finally one day I realized no one was keeping that belief alive but me and that’s all it was…a belief, not necessarily the truth. I made the decision then and there I was no longer going to believe I was unlovable and it honestly transformed my life.
What if you were a practical joke played by your mother on your father - 12 years after the birth of the oldest child. Misogynistic and emotionally absent father and a mother that was chronically severely depressed and periodically abusive. I was pretty much left to raise myself. And being a daughter- was taught early on that being female was bad, having any needs was selfish, and you darn well better be quiet and agreeable- or else!
Another category is when the parents have a “wanted” child only to fulfill societal expectations but in reality they wish otherwise. It can be one of the two or both parents.
I call these social media babies. A lot of friends my age (younger millennials) fall into this category and as a psych student, it’s infuriating. Children aren’t here for you to play the role you feel the need to play in society.
@@skylinefever People really make parenting sound like joining the military. 😭 I understand why it was like that in the past. But we really don’t need to repeat that kind of problem in modern times.
I was adopted, my mother turned 18 the day after she had me. I was born with a double hernia so spent 2 months in I guess an orphanage before I could go home with my parents. Then I was sexually abused, I knew what a vibrator was when I was 3. That's was just the beginning, it took me until I was 54 to realize how screwed up I was. Still working on me at almost 56.
My adoptive mom once told me, "you will have no friends. They may like you at first, but once they get to know you, they won't like you.". Your video hit me differently. My mom was abused growing up. I believe now that she was projecting her fears onto me, instead of being just horrible. Don't mistake me, she WAS horrible. She, I feel, was a vulnerable narcissist. For her, it was always a victim mentality. My husband and I called it the "poor Marge syndrome". I was her youngest. When I got married and moved out, she clung harder to me. It was sufficating. I was always confused about why she clung so hard when she treated me like a defect she could brush aside my whole childhood. When I was a child, though, I had no choice but to stay. Where could I go. She panicked when I was independent and had a choice to leave her. Thank you, Tim for this breakthough. It was healing!
I love how you're able to both hold her accountable and show her grace. That's incredible emotional maturity. You have every right to be hurt, but instead of just projecting the righteous anger you've chosen to be just. I think that's admirable and I've learned a lot from your comment. Thank you.
I developed an autoimmune disease by the time I was 9. The very thing supposed to protect me, my immune system, was attacking me. By the time I was 15, I knew “I don’t want kids. There’s too much I want to do in life and to raise them right, they need more attention.” I made the choice to not have kids then. And at 45, I have zero regrets. I refuse to bring a child in the way I was brought in. Thank God, He guided me on how to heal that autoimmune disease. Now to heal my heart.
I also developed my first autoimmune disease at 9. More followed. The biggie, the rare and eventuality fatal one, was finally diagnosed diagnosed at 65. I will not pass on these hereditary diseases. I also fear feeling about my child as my mother did me. No child should be born to such a mother.
My mother hated that I am a girl. She told me when i was a teenager"never get pregnant, you'll have to go on welfare, you'll never be able to take care of it, you don't even have a boyfriend or husband, you'll be a disgrace to the family" So I didnt have children, because she put the fear of God in me that I'd never be able to raise them right. Raise them like her, with my father who treated us all like crap and left her when she got diagnosed with cancer? No thanks. So I never had children I'm 63 now. No regrets AT ALL.
@@BoopOnYourNose Yeah me too but for a slightly different reason. My mother constantly complained about how much work was involved with raising children. She’d tell us things like when you leave the house to run errands, you have to pack for the kids like you’re going on vacation, then unpack,etc. etc. She made it sound so unappealing that NONE of her four daughters had children. Mom also made it clear that she wasn’t able to live the life she wanted because of her children.
It is just as hard to realise that one's narcissitic mother only wanted you, because she didn't want to work, and as soon, as she had her baby, she rejected her new motherhood: Too much work.
My mother has gaslit me my whole life saying she loves her children more than anything, but everything in this video completely makes sense. I recently found a diary from when I was 13, and had written how I felt I was a burden and wished I would just die.
I'm sorry about your experience and I know it's not the place but on behalf of your mom, she really does love you, she just can't split her realities in two and her trying to bring both i.e her trauma and her love for you guys together makes it seem like gaslighting because the two don't mix well. She's barely herself but she does love you, she's not consciously gaslighting you 😢
@@joyc9323 Did your mother blame you for relationships that ended and call you a whore? Did she force you to sleep on dirty, dusty floors until you had asthma? Did she force you to eat food she knew made you throw up? Love sounds pretty twisted to me.
@@joyc9323You might not realise it but your comment is very invalidating and ironically gaslighting to the original poster. It's important not to deny or invalidate another person's lived experience.
When I was 12 or 13 years old, I wrote on a piece of paper: Leben (life) : L = Leiden (suffering); E = Einsamkeit (loneliness); B = böse (mean); That’s what being alive meant to me in that early age!
My Mother was 4 months pregnant with me when my Father eventually married her. Growing up, whenever my parents fought (frequently) my Mother would shake her finger in my face and tell me “this is all your fault, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be stuck in this mess!” Of course, I always felt that I was responsible for their unhappiness and bad marriage. I became a people pleaser, and a perfectionist. As an adult, I have been married and divorced twice. I couldn’t believe that my husband(s) ever loved me because if my parents didn’t want me or love me, how could anyone else. I have made sure however that my own children have always known that they are, and always have been wanted and loved. I am now 67, happily single and still working on trying to love myself for the first time in my life. Thank you for your video, it was enlightening. ❤
I had a wonderful therapist in Las Vegas for 3 years. Once she heard my life story she wouldn't leave me alone unless I would write a book on my life. Haven't done it yet but I got the title; " " How The Stork Dropped Me Down The Wrong Chimney and How I Climbed My Way Out To The Mountaintop ". Maybe if I get to a Mountaintop I'll start the book. I'm sure lots of you out there have had my same childhood.
The title on my book would be; “ How the stork dropped me down the wrong chimney and I didn’t see daylight before the chimney collapsed and I sat there in the rubble”
I had a friend keep telling me the same. I came up with a name for mine too, but never started it. Maybe one day... it's a rabbit hole I don't know if I want to go down if I don't have to.
Do share if your comfortable. I was 19, my mother seem to have lost her mind and my father off on a drunken stupor somewhere..., I moved off to new york, found a church home to get involved with and met a young woman who was an adolescent at the time. I did not know upon meeting her that her biological mother had died, or been murdered in front of her. One day she asked me about my parents and I told her I didn't know where my father was, and that my mom had died. You see, growing up, they were two totally different people, in my late teenage years, I didn't know who these people were. At that time we were estranged, they both are deceased now; we were blessed to be reconciled.
That's exactly the sound of my life. As a child I was always looking for another familiy in the neighbourhood. I so much wanted to belong to them. Because at "home", I was ignored and emotionally abused.
@mein...that was the same for me. I was never home as a child, I found different friends whose families treated me much better. It took a lot of searching, but I finally found my husband and his family. They treat me with more love and respect than my own family ever did.
I was often told I wasn't theirs and always showed how I wasn't welcome around any family. I was their child , just unwanted. Constantly neglected in every way.
I knew people who were told by a parent I wish I didn't have you or you are unwanted. This video brings together so many things and now this makes sense to me. It is 2 am, I am crying my eyes out.
This video is the very foundation of my life. This explains the very core of my experience of existing. Came into it's own the moment he brought up the suicide obsession.
Oh yeah. I tried at age 8 but I was too chicken to do it. I still have ideation every few minutes and I'm 60. I can't do it though, I believe God wants me to go through all this and die naturally.
Look up Borderline personality disorder. I got that diagnosis. My parents wanted a boy. My sister was born 2yrs later, they cherished her because at least she resembled my father.
Excellent video. I’m the product of an affair. My mother tried to trap my father and when he wasn’t hearing it, she kept me just alive enough for no one to call the cops on her. But I am absolutely the equivalent of a feral human. Anything I’ve learned was on my own, and the hard way. This life has felt like a curse from my moment of conception. The trauma in the womb resonated greatly with me. My aunt punched my mom in the stomach trying to rid her of the shame. The uninvited family guest. Your video gave me clarity and the comment section gave me peace of mind knowing I’m not alone.
When my youngest daughter was conceived we were not planning on another child. You could even say we didn't `want` another child, but once it happened and we got over the shock of it, we embraced it. She went from being unwanted in concept, to a very much wanted real person. At no time in her life did either of us ever consider her unwanted, despite the circumstances under which she was conceived. I do not understand parents that have unplanned children and don't embrace it once they're here, let alone hold it against them and make them feel unwanted.
I had a Turkish class mate, her name in Turkish meant "unwanted" as in unwanted pregnancy or child because she was a daughter. Another woman I know told her what her name means, she got her name from her parents because they had enough of getting daughters, so her name was "it's enough/stop it It infuriated me so much, the shame of bearing these names & be reminded and being devalued as a woman, just because you are a woman
Thank you Tim for this video. I am 44 years old and grew up unwanted by my father and with a narcissistic mother. My father did not hesitate to say it explicitly throughout my childhood... sometimes jokingly ("I was raped by your mom."), sometimes very seriously. I have no memories of my dad ever doing "dad stuff" with me (playing soccer with me, teaching me how to ride a bike, coming to cheer for me on sports or school events), but I do remember very clearly an instance where he told me seriously I was unwanted (I must have been 10-12 years old). My mom always saw me (including up to today) as a utility for her. This included verbal abuse when she felt I wasn't useful or supportive to her. It sounds like a detail, but I also started realizing that there are no pictures of me with my dad in our family photo albums. Fast forward 30 years: I am a married father, 3 teenage kids (I am not making the mistakes of my dad ;-)), and went through a marital crisis in the last 2 years. This triggered a lot of my trauma, and recently I started seeing a therapist and I started to connect the dots between my dysfunctional behaviors and my childhood trauma. I tick almost all the boxes in terms of dysfunctional behavior - from feeling almost always unloved, to being a people pleaser and wanted to be everything for everyone... even down to the small but ever-present suicidal thoughts (never to a degree that it would be problematic, but they do pop up in small ways from time to time). But I have started a healing journey. and I wanted to tell everyone out there that it is possible. One way in particular where I get a lot of benefit from is connecting with my inner child. Spending time with him, giving him the love and "wantedness" he never had. Reconnecting with childhood play and games (including together with my children). Also spending time alone and in silence, something which I have struggled with throughout my childhood. My parents are in their late 70's now, including with health issues. I would really like to tell them one day, but I feel that it will not resonate with them and will hurt them... also, they will not change anymore at their age. I have good hopes that I can heal myself and most importantly ensure that I don't commit the mistakes of my parents towards my own kids. I hope you can make some more videos on this topic and especially on the healing journey.
I'm sorry you went through that and if he was as a man actively admitting to being raped by her he may well have been telling the truth. Guys don't admit such things easily, you however were not the one he should of told that to nor should it have been taken out on you.
74 year old guy here who is checking almost all the boxes. Just awake enough, just self aware enough to know I’m feeling/behaving these ways with the attitudes about life but can’t stop seeing myself as a victim. Yeah wanting to die and move on cause I mess up over and over. Living with a loving kind friend who helps me out but I can’t get over myself to open my heart enough to show my appreciation. My dog and cats are blessing and I feel I don’t do enough for them either. Had so many advantages in this life that I have wasted didn’t deserve it so threw it away then feel so sorry for myself. Just crazy behavior that is leading me to a place of complete aloneness which from childhood has been my biggest fear.
We all need to figure out how to love ourselves since no one else loved us like a true Moma. This is your God given task. Research how to do that. It sounds cheesy but it works. Adoptee here saying sorry and sending you love 💕 💕💕💕💕💕
@@catherinewilson1079 Thank you for your kind words and open heart ❤️. I’ve been searching for Mother’s love all my life. First born son to a mother who was not ready and for sure didn’t want a boy. As a nominal adult I should be well over that experience yet I know it is a very human thing not to be.
@@WillFinch-k4j You have thoroughly absorbed the easy critiques of people who have not lived what we have. For example the common response used today to “Get over it”! You ARE VALUABLE AND LOVED❣️ By God, or by “the universe” if you prefer that concept. I am 71 and have only learned this in the last 6 years. There is no performance, no intelligence, no payment required to know that you are loved.
I understand, but God is a miracle working God! He can make your life brand new! And your coming days can be greater than your former days! Get to know Jesus! Read the Gospel of John, asking God to make Himself very real to you, and He will! He promises, "If with ALL your ❤ you truly seek Me, you will SURELY FIND ME!" Jeremiah 29:13
I'm 57. My Mum told me I was a mistake at age 7. She told me that she wished that I was conceived in1969 because the abortion act in the UK, became law. I was born into a family full of conflict, toxicity and lack of love. I was born in 1966. My siblings were 21, 20 and 10 years my seniors. The way I was treated as a child shaped my life. I didn't have children because i was concerned about bringing a child into the world that wasn't wanted. I would have, but my husband would have resented them. It's a shame that Mum said those things to me and other narratives.
You WEREN'T a mistake...God wanted you here, and STILL wants you here! "Before I formed you in. the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I consecrated you. I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5 ESV He has a plan and purpose for you! Get to know Jesus! Read the Gospel of John, asking God to make Himself very real to you...and He WILL! He promises..."If with ALL your ❤ you truly seek Me, you WILL SURELY find Me." Jeremiah 29:13
My Mom tried to get rid of me in her womb using alcohol and a hot bath, recommended to her by her doctor. Her friend was also pregnant and tried the same thing. The result was me 😅! I think she and my Dad had shame and guilt. When I found out by my sister telling me what my Mom did in my fifties. After I got over the shock I realized it was like God showed me why I was the bad ‘person’, and how all of a sudden it was like the lights went on. It wasn’t just lights, but 🎄 Christmas lights. I had all kinds of memories coming back. Anyway, God made a way for me, and my children, whom I love dearly, and wanted more than anything else. I encourage people to not to be discouraged. God loves us best! Somehow he makes up for the harm done us. ❤
That's why I refused to have children. Also I flat out didn't want them. I did not want my narcissistic mother and my three older sisters or my father near any child of mine. I had myself spayed--problem solved.
Sir, you are marvelous. My husband has the trauma you're referring here. I have been married for 8yrs now. It took me 6yrs to convey my sincere admiration and love for him. Yes, it took me this long to convince him that there's no ulterior or hidden motive here. He's out of fight or flight mode, he's currently much calm and secure at work too. I only hope this continues.
I was born in 1951 in Lisbon. When my Mom was pregnant with me, she told my Dad: If its a girl i don't want her. Nobody knew if was a boy or girl because those pregnancy test didn't exist . Guess what! Her first child was a girl ME !!! I can't explain how dramatic my life was all those years. After she had 2 boys, my brothers which i loved. She try to kill me more then one time, but made it sound like an accident...all my life i try to please her, but she never was happy... She always loved the boys, but not the girl...its a very, very dramatic story but i made the decision earlier in life not to be like her... I got married age 32 ,had one child a girl and i dedicated all my love and affection to her...and today she doesn't care about me. What a strange world. I relay on GOD, and Jesus Christ to keep mentally healthy. I,m a Bible reader, but not associated with organized religion. I,m not 💯 happy, but i keep going to do my best.. In today,s society i found difficult to find someone 💯 happy. Thanks God bless you All.
I wish you and I lived near each other. To share coffee, and talk. Our lives sound similar. Except it was my dad who tried to kill me. I also trust God and Jesus completely without organized religion. God bless you. God bless me. God bless us all.
Well we sound like we are triplets of the world. I was born girl 3rd child all the others were boys. I was rejected and my life was very difficult. But surprisingly my 2nd brother was rejected too.. My father was a good man. Thank God. Nowadays I have no relationship either with her or any of my brothers. Since I was 7 or 8 years old, she presumed , that I will looking for men. That I like older men, that I will ended up with children of different fathers. Yes , I didn't understand how talking to a man will get you pregnant. I was so confuse. My father sent to study to another city, he provided all I need, just nothing came, she gave it to her first child. Now she has alzheimer's live with that son and his new wife, (😣). I reduce to have children , afraid of being a bad mother.
I continue to not understand why anyone would not want a girl. I just don't get it. Men spend their entire lives wanting women. Women take care of everyone and only they can have more people. It seems more women would serve society better than fewer. Men are needed only for heavy lifting honestly.
I suspect these mothers are boy crazy and see girls as competition.. Mine was like that but I'm grateful to have a shot at life and deep inside, you are as well. You wrote a beautiful story and I wish you happiness. I also spoiled my daughter who feels guilty towards her treatment of me and is cold. Guilt makes people cold, even insulting towards those they hurt....at 77 I'm expecting my 7th grandchild and learned to forgive. I pray and have 2 rejected shelter dogs and 3 of the grandchildren grew up with me and are friends so I'm very blessed, though pretty broke! God bless you...the best may be in your future.
As someone with a significant abandonment story myself, I want everyone who is reading this and who feels they are unlovable or that there's 'something wrong with me' to know that YOU ARE NOT BROKEN and whatever you've experienced you can heal from it and live a fulfilling life. I can relate to many things said in this video [people-pleasing being a big one for me, but I'm very conscious about this pattern now so it's significantly less prevalent than before]. But I've never been mistrusting - previously I was reverse; trusting everyone and then am surprised/hurt if they behave badly. What is missing from this video is to mention the GIFTS that going thru such difficult experiences can bring. Empathy to others' pain being one. The capacity to be with others when they are suffering. The capacity to not shirk away from the dark side of life or the dark thoughts that others experience, because you've experienced it first hand. Inner strength to deal with life's challenges. I think my experiences have been a catalyst for my life's work which has been helping others to live their best lives. It took a lot of work to do my own inner healing, and I still see some of these patterns playing out in my life [the people-pleasing thing, overworking]. But I wouldn't change it. Diamonds are formed from the pressure of the rocks. Pearls are formed from the grit in the oyster. Do your healing work and cultivate self-compassion - but at the same time don't ignore the blessings in the trauma. Don't give up, even when things are tough [I've been there - for years]. Bring light to the dark times. And know that you are WHOLE. It is impossible for you to be otherwise. Love, compassion, and hugs to you.
Some of our words got me thinking. When my parents were dead, I went to a goldsmith with their wedding rings and had them melted down to make a ring for ME and in that ring I had a very fine diamond and some white pearls set. Now I feel like Phoenix, the bird that rose from the flames, because I’m finally free, but with me I carry the pressure and the grit only in a more beautiful way, I know I’ll never forget.
My mother started abusing me when I was still a baby. I actually don’t remember but she said, “I abused you”, and my sister confirmed it. My dad said, “your mother didn’t love you”. 😊 I’m almost 50 and never had kids and am pretty much unable to trust any potential romantic partners. It was pretty painful and lonely but eventually you learn to adjust as best you can. I haven’t seen my mom in 20 years. 😊 Focusing on work helps.
I grew up unwanted by humanity and still unwanted by many. Was told many things, experience many things, saw many things that no one should see. How does one over come, Jesus is the calming, the comfort,the logic, the peace needed.
I was an unwanted child. My birth mother decided to abuse and starve me(permanently injuring me physically), and I was taken from her at around 6 months. I had a foster family and then I was adopted into a family with no children but rather absent parents who immediately put me in the care of maid and then went back to work. When we came to the states I was around 5 and it was just my mom. I feel like I've been alone as a kid all my life. My parents were always so busy, working hard to advance their careers and just make ends meet. I feel sort of lost in the shuffle, and the only times I remember being noticed where when I failed at something. This didn't lead to anything good. I know they had their burdens, and they were abused too, so I can understand them. But this does nothing to relieve MY pain and suffering, and help ME become a whole person who feels worthy of good things. It has been a hard fight, through a delinquent and wasted opportunities of youth, to homelessness and addiction as man. I'm finally housed in a dignified manner and working a steady job and I almost feel human but I still have so much pain I'm only beginning to address. Shit is hard man.
Don't give up. You decided to come into this world because you knew even before you were born that you would do something great! Have your back, trust, and respect yourself.
Yes, please NEVER, EVER give up on this precious thing called LIFE! As I see it, every person who ever lived, is now living, or will live in the future has won the "lottery of life" by NOT becoming gross slimy sperm going down the drain, dried up on the bedsheet--you get my drift. Therefore, by that very fact that we ARE alive on this beautiful planet is proof that YOU were meant to be here. Plain and simple. Period. ;-) Cheers to you lucky man!
I’m so sorry for your pain and thank you for writing your truth. The world wants you, even though parents failed you. I’m going through this myself, and as an old woman I can tell you we who were unwanted are valuable people. You have the unique ability to understand others and every act of kindness you do is also a kindness to yourself. That little boy inside of you has every right to be afraid. But I see you are taking steps to help her, to take care of him. I believe in you and your right to be here. Hugs!!
Yes, the more time, 63 years, I’ve had to think about things that happend during my life the more I understand why I’m so unhappy and often angry and sad, but most importantly that it wasn’t my fault, it was my f*ing keep up the apperance dysfunctional parents.
I was adopted at six weeks after being born into a children's hospital. My mother was 16 and my father denied fatherhood. I grew up in a strict Christian home in very much the back of beyond. I have Aspergers, Ehler Danlos syndrome and am celiac. And recently I realised i had CPTSD. Then I paid for EMDR therapy and it changed my life. I now feel I live in the present. Good video, friend.
This helps me to understand more about what I went through. I was the older child halfling...but "adopted in" nonetheless with my dad any stepmom. My natural mom was wonderful, just a little mentally and emotionally unstable. My dad used it to snatch me, only to shelve me away into perpetual servitude. I knew I wasn't loved by my dad or stepmom. I thought I was loved by my younger siblings until they grew up. Of course I remained in denial, and was in my mid-50's before I realized that none but my natural mother loved me much, if at all. It has been a hard, hard pill, but I prefer to live in reality. Thank God for my real mom. I probably wouldn't be alive today without her.
I always knew I was not wanted starting on the day I was born. I avoid all relationships. I live the lone wolf life. I endure every item on your list that you mentioned in this video.
@@obliooberon3679 You have my compassion. I hope you heal. I have never been hugged or loved by anyone. I have only been abused. Loneliness is all I know. Toxic people should NEVER be parents, because they are clueless as to how much they damage their children.
@@stephaniedonatello6844. Thank you. Yes, it takes time to process all the bad stuff that happens to us. But always remember that there was never anything wrong with you or about you. The problem always belonged to your abusers. They are the ones who were unable to see how precious and wonderful you truly are, and they are the ones who have the communications, empathy, and relationship issues and deficiencies. They shamed you undeservedly, but they should truly be ashamed of themselves for their despicable behaviour and mistreatment of you. They deflected their insecurities and deficiencies by shaming you instead of looking in the mirror and fixing their own issues. You never deserved to be harmed. They were too lazy or ignorant or in self-denial to fix their own issues. Every child/person should be loved and respected. Abusers are selfish and lack empathy. They blame and shame others and avoid fixing themselves. Please stop believing that there is something wrong with you or that you are not good enough. Erase those types of negative messages/false beliefs that your abusers instilled within your mind, so you can heal. Love yourself. Take care of yourself and your needs.
@@Pheonix1111 that just cant not be true . You WERE loved by someone, you just did not even allow that thought to yourself... Like I did not. But we know. NOW.. And we cant to Unknown iit back.. There is a reason we had to have this experience on this planet... so heal heal heal. myself myself love yourself, love is the only way like ur nickname already implies )
I was wanted as a boy. My room was made blue. My mothers difficult birth was blamed on my being a female child. When I was 17 my parents moved out of our home and left me there. I know that sounds like “oh poor you, you had a place to live” but I was never wanted. I was a burden and irritating to my parents. I’ve never felt like I belonged on this planet. I felt/feel like not even God could love me and I didn’t know why I always felt like that. But I had my parents and $ so my mind never allowed me to feel the weight of being unwanted. Ouch that explains some things.
@@mkayokay3192I am sorry that happened to you. Just want to let you know that God does love you - when you have a free moment, will you please read Psalm 27:10? I think you will be pleasantly surprised!
I was born to very dysfunctional psrents. My mother hated me . I was told by her twin sister at 35 years that she actively discouraged and shamed me. Im 71 and I've tried feeling better my whole life. Its finally working!
This is me! Fortunately, I have always had a deep faith. Healing is ongoing but in my late 60s into my 70s, I have achieved peace. The scars are still there…I am disconnected from people in general and live life as a hermit. my interactions with others are mainly superficial. However, I’m actually very happy to be able to spend my time deepening my prayer life and my relationship with God. I do recognise that this probably wouldn’t work for anyone else but it certainly does for me. God bless all of you resonating with this talk and may you all find your own peace and healing.
Healing can look like different things to different people. It does not always have to be becoming socially active. If you feel happy, what can be better?
I have had any friends since i was 28 and im now 51 and i am a through and through loner. My peace and love is with nature and animals. I am awkward in other peoples eyes but im ok with that now. Its a long journey when youve never been understood nor being loved.
Everything I read here resonates. I was unwanted as a child and told so. But I love my daughter so very much. I didn’t choose to love her, I just did for no one reason. Same with my parents, they didn’t choose to hate me, they just did - for many reasons. ;)
I was unwanted and abused. I still bear the scars on my body of the abuse. Now, add to that of being adopted and being told constantly that I am not part of the family. My mother wanted me but not my dad's side of the family. I had adopted brothers and a sister but they had families. My dad's family never came over. My mother has no family. My dad's sister disliked me and made it a point to tell me that I wasn't part of the family. She would come over, and take my brothers and sister out for ice cream and they'd come back with toys. At Christmas, my dad's sister brought us gifts. They all received nice gifts. But as for me, she brought me baby toys. I kid you not!! My parents did nothing to stop this behavior. After my mother passed, my dad's sister laid into me and told me how she really felt. "I didn't want them to adopt you, but your mother wouldn't listen. She had to have you. You are a failure and bring nothing but shame to the family. You're nothing but a whore!" Wow! Okay. I passed on to my dad what she had said, and his response was troubling. "What do you want me to do? She's my sister." After that I left, and I never came back. Being adopted was taboo growing up. I didn't belong to any group or never had a culture. I did ask God why he created me. Many years down the road, disastrous relationships, I was in church one day, and the second reading was from St. Paul. It was about adopted children of God. I could relate to that. Being adopted, and knowing my mom loved me, helped me realize how much I was loved by God. God created me because he loves me. That was good enough for me. Forget about what others think or say. 🎉
This is ME, 100%!! My mother even attempted to dump me off at the local Children's Home when I was about 7, I remember it so clearly; I was absolutely terrified of being taken away from my other 3 brothers and forced into another, new family. She BEGGED them to take me because she just couldn't stand me, I mean, she said it, I heard her say it....and much more. It caused me a lot of trouble in life, but now that she's 2 years dead, I'm healing.
Was born in a workhouse in the 60's for unmarried mothers. I wasn't wanted and was given up for adoption immediately. I've always been mentally ill. In and out of psychiatric hospitals, suicidal ideation and not fitting in anywhere. I've never known love and never known how to bond with anyone. I've spent my whole life a loner, a black sheep in constant emotional pain.
I was unwanted...my mum didn't want me...but my dad wouldn't let her get an abortion. She never liked me and treated me differently to my siblings...and I was a female... another negative...to bring an unwanted child into this world...is cruel and sadistic...
No, the treatment is cruel, but not as cruel as murder. Your father was right and you have the choice to be who you are and love yourself and have a life of your own.
The problem here is "my dad wouldn't let her-". What? He never went to sleep or to work? She couldn't leave the house for one day to have an abortion? Was he her boss? Her father? Her ruler? Why was it up to him?
@@Ojhfdxhhgg if it is to any consolation I understand what it means to live in an unfair cruel world, mean for sports. Apparently my mom was stooped by a religious Sikh woman to not abort me,because it is a sin I got very upset at 12 years old, I was doing a paper on my birth and origins and my childhood, she told me she was going to abort me and just laughed about it when I got upset and said you are here now, so no harm done. On the contrary I've always felt unwanted and that I was on my own, I took care of my own needs. My father was a very sick cheating cruel man. My mother didn't want me because she didn't get any help at all with taking care of the children or taking care of the family. He treated my mother as if she was his mother and went out to dance clubs to fornicate with other women every night. So I can see why she wanted to abort me. Thry also only wanted sons, that is why they tried and tried and piked up on children to get sons, but it was only girls coming and 1 boy That boy was being immasculated by my father and his petname was "the faggot" So I don't know why he wanted to only have sons if it was to beat him and call him degrading names. Maybe there are reasons why they didn't want to drag us here. I for sure did not want to be here. I of the 5 siblings, was the only one that failed miserably at life. Because my mother had a bond with them. With me, like I said I had to take care of myself and my own needs. And I nevermore any sound or asked of anything, I tried to be an u demanding g child, so I didn't ask them for much or bother them
OMG... this filled in so many gaps for me. I could never put my finger on why I could never absorb love and was always so detached from my own feelings. All of my relationships I would always look for a reason to break up or sabotage them. I sabotaged my career jobs, everything with no understanding of why I always felt so undeserving of love and attention. Thank you so much!
I was a honeymoon accident. My mother loathed the idea of pregnancy so much that she completely denied I existed until I was kicking her insides. I never was able to view having a child of my own as anything other than an intolerable burden. I don't blame my mother for being immature - and probably not really loving my father - but I DO blame her for telling me all about it! I wrote myself off by the age of 11 and it has taken me a lifetime to adjust to being a half social animal.
Break the cycle. Having my own kids has helped me on my healing journey. It will trigger a lot of things though so you’ll have to be ready to work on stuff that comes up. The one thing I can say about having kids is that I absolutely do NOT understand my parents whatsoever. My husband feels the same way about his parents and my godsister has said the same thing. We all think our parents were crazy weirdos. Children are an absolute joy and blessing. You are a blessing in this world too. Don’t let your mom tell you otherwise.
@@simplypositiveme School? - I once wrote a story in which school was equated to the penal system! The best therapy, apart from a decent psychologist, is to take on challenges. Begin as small as necessary, and that way kick-start self assurance. Best wishes!
I relate to the message in this video. I was not wanted or loved by my father. I don't know what a father's love feels like. My mother did her best to give me love but she ignored my father's abuse so I wonder how much love she actually had for me. Throughout my life I settled for crumbs. I'm now 67. The neglect I experienced taught me to be fearless, principled and walk my own path. I have courage to be this way because I know no one will ever care about me or miss me when I die so I might as well live life on my own terms. I live alone with my animals on a beautiful country property and I'm content.
Im a 64 year old adoptee who found my maternal birth family, and through Ancestry, found the real history, which makes his whole theory true beyond anything I could ever hope to make sense of the constant dread I’ve always felt. I was adopted, my birth mom was adopted, and her birthmom was also adopted! The generational shame has been devastating for decades until my therapist brought this concept to my attention. It made total sense and gave me the determination to end the shame with me.🎉
Wow...just smh. Coming from a family that swept everything under the rug thinking it would protect me, I had to learn Emotional Intelligence the brutally hard way. I survived because the Most High wants me to and continually aligns my thoughts & actions exactly where they should be. I am grateful 💫
Ok, so I never knew my real father until 23and me when a 1/2 brother popped up. I've always wondered about my father...and then I'm reminded each and every day that I have a Father that is far better than any earthly father can ever be! So I think that makes us sisters? Our Father in Heaven has been there each and every day; through good and bad; and he still loves us so much more than we deserve! I think it's the one thing that has really kept me going over the years!!
My mother got pregnant with me by someone else a month before she married another guy. She tried to pass me off as his but I think everyone knew, or found out. I knew by high school that it would be impossible for that guy (who was out of the picture for good by the time I was six years old) to be my biological father. My mother would never admit it and I asked her repeatedly. Now the DNA results are in and she can’t deny it any more. But she made it clear throughout my childhood years that I had ruined her life. That’s what she said, “You ruined my life”. She said she would have gone to medical school if she hadn’t gotten pregnant with me. This came with an unspoken agreement that I would be a good girl and not cause any further damage to her and that I would work hard to make it up to her. Long story short, I’m a bastard and and I was not, and never have been wanted by my mother. Deep, deep shame. :)
@@julianskinner3697 No, but she did become well educated. I moved across country at 19 and I’ve had a very good and happy life. I was very lucky in that my grandmother loved and cherished and nurtured me. It made all the difference.
My mother had me at 16 and hurt me more than I can convey. No drugs, no drinking. Just coldness, contempt, neglect, delight in my suffering, and obvious preference for others. I'd say she passed the torch to my ex, but they worked in tandem, really. Since first grade, I've walked hand-in-hand with suicidal ideation. I never belonged in the family, though at first I thought I did. Imagine my embarrassment. Thank God for a lifetime of jobs where I was valued. Thank God for my friends.
@@CookieMonsta191 ❤🩹 I'm so sorry. It was and maybe is something I still struggle with, no sense of belonging but instead a constant need to prove worthy of living today. I have a counselor who is amazing and works with IFS (Internal Family Systems) that seems built to help people with severe trauma. Highly recommend, any Google will bring you to Tori Olds or Richard Schwartz himself.
But you aren't❤ Otherwise you wouldn't be here :) I had an aquantaince, her husband and her had been trying to get sons from the get go, they have I think 6 daughters now. I think it was a lesson from God to show them that women and daughters are a blessing and of great value. And since they did not see the value of daughters and women, that was what they only got, to be taught a lesson that being a woman is not less than. You should be happy that the child is healthy. They were not mistakes, nor were you and I. Maybe it was to teach our parents a lesson and to humiliate them and humble them. That it is not ppl who decide who is meant to be here, but it is God who decides who is meant to be here and you can't do anything about it to stop it if it's meant to be.
I was conceived during a divorce. My mother said she really wanted an abortion but she was evangelical so she didn't do it. She spent the rest of my childhood leaving me with family members months on end and refusing to be affectionate. It's a hurtful double standard because she was loving to my siblings. Thanks for the video highlighting and validating the pain of being unwanted. I recommend many other risks you mentioned in her. And I definitely relate to a lot of those behaviors in me.
This is why I abhor the evangelical need to dictate that there should be no abortions. I agree in sentiment that there should be no unwanted babies, but in practice humans are full of sin. Adoptee here.
I've been on that journey for quite a while, discovering the lies I believed as truth, and replacing them with what God says about me, how He values, sees, and bestows dignity upon me as His child. It has taken years to get here, but the difficult road to discovery, and peeling back layers of lies, worth it. Jesus said," You shall know the truth, and the truth will make you free." It is a process. We can only go as fast as we can absorb and accept a different reality, but it is possible to know how to be comfortable in my own skin, to receive love, and to form healthy boundaries. God is faithful to heal the broken hearted. It is what He came to do. Trusting Him to bring me all the way through to healthy self identity. I am now 75. Better late than never! God's peace on anyone feeling broken; He is able and eager to heal.
at 75 yrs. old i 1st began to have "true" feelings from.a lifetime ago. At 79, the gut wrenching feelings have surfaced. I have not allowed myself to heal. I believe i am beginning that journey now...at almost 80.
My mom told me my whole life she wish she didn't have kids. With all fairness my grandparents didn't want the kids they had either so my mom was unwanted too. It is a generational cycle that causes much harm.
My sister says all the time in front of her children that she wish she never had kids or married, how they all ruined her life and she would have been very successful without them. My nephews always keep an ear out and listens to all our conversations. He always starts to shout and cry over the part that he is unwanted and how he ruins her life. She only laughs about it. I've always told her, me being an unwanted , unseen and unheard child, that it will stay with them the rest of your life if you do not say you are sorry and is wrong. She doesn't have any feelings or show affection to others. Yet and still her children adores her and kisses the ground she walks on....always found it strange how people always appreciate tyrants, bullies and unemotional unavailable ppl than kind and loving ppl like myself, who always gives to them and others and are met with nothing in return I'm not giving anymore and give to myself
My mom told me I was lucky birth control pills weren't available a little earlier. I was 12 at the time. She still hates me, I'm 62 and she is 82. I have 2 "step" kids, they were 5&7 when I married their mom. I have always told them that I choose them. They are now in their thirties, I have 2 fantastic grand kids I see 4 to 5 times a week, and we are still married. The cycle can and should stop.
@UniqueGeekFreak people want what they cannot have. The core foundation is if I try harder enough, if I am really good they will love me. It is so sad what your sister is doing to her son. It will and has harmed him on a foundational level.
@@Rich-eg6qb it is your mother's loss and wound. It has nothing to do with your worth. You are a wonderful human being. You have broken your cycle with your stepchildren and grandchildren. It makes me so happy to hear of this beautiful family you have in your life. ❤
When I was 10 years old, my mom was yelling at me for something I said to another kid and she overheard. I didn't know that it was bad and I didn't mean anything by it. After she had yelled at me for quite a while, she concluded with, "If you weren't MY OWN KID, I would HATE YOU!".
My sister gave away two daughters. Years later, after being married with two children she sought out both girls. Naturally both girls were thrilled to have her in their lives. One told me it was her daily dream. Five years later my sister decided one of these young women was too needy. She abandoned her again. She's bad-mouthed her to all of her family. I try and keep my hand extended to her. I tell her i always wanted a daughter. I let her know she is lovable. My sister avoids me like the plague.
I was wanted by my mother but not by my father. I discovered this 10 years ago and my father's coldness & indifference towards me all those years suddenly made sense.
@elenatramsti5176 He didn't want another kid, but my mum intentionally conceived regardless. Objectively, what my mum did was wrong. However, I shouldn't have had to suffer for it as I didn't choose to be here.
I was unwanted because I came with so many undiagnosed health issues. I was not the experience they were expecting nor wanted. Just learning how deeply that early rejection has impacted me. My parents and grandparents weren’t anything more than strangers to me. This list describes me to a t.
This is what adoptees deal with and we’re told to feel grateful all the time. I believe I felt the pain in utero. And it has affected my entire life. 😢
So, I was always depressed on my birthday. Finally, when I became a Christian and had a time of freedom and deliverance prayer, I saw a black X over the womb of my mother while she was carrying me. The Lord revealed I was not wanted and that there were word curses spoken over me. He led me breaking that off and in understanding that HE sent me with a purpose in the very day HE chose and gave my mom the name I was called. I never felt anything but celebratory joy on my birthday from then on. I know my name, my birthdate, and my purpose are all determined by a loving God who chose to create and send me with a mission. I was always loved once born, but the season I was conceived in was difficult for her. Freedom Factor by Bruce Wilkinson is life changing . God bless❤
Your posting is the truest truth .... only after I gave my "unwanted existence" to Christ did my life change ..... to KNOW and to EXPERIENCE THE LOVE OF CHRIST IS DEVINE ... THIS MAN JESUS is all about love for sure .... I am blessed beyond belief ... in every possible way one can think of .... JESUS IS THE REAL DEAL ..all those "Famiy members" who hated me all my life ... he took them OUT of my life =THEY ARE ALL DEAD ... and me .... I've been at peace eversince ... PRAISE JESUS who is MY prince of peace, love and content .... thank you for reading ....
To what in your life or the life of a loved one would you like a solution for? Many of us here are peers. We can share if it's something we've conquered. Forgive me if I'm making an assumption that you're asking for yourself. ~respectfully dle
I'm curious if you don't mind me asking, do you mean disciplined or abused? Because I think I didn't have actual life training as a kid and that made me wallow in self pity because I spent a lot of time by myself doing nothing 😮
I understood so late I was an unwanted child... it took me to become an adult and go to therapy to get some help in putting things to places. My mum got pregnant 11 months after giving birth to my brother. And I was an other boy not the baby girl my dad wanted. And my parents were poor. I never thought the complete lack of investment they had in me was their way of processing my birth.
I connect with everything you say, thanks🌻 im retired now. My mother told me many times when i was a child that she never wanted me. My immediate response (as well as being shocked) was, 'well im here so get over it' . She sent a message to me via my older sister that she didnt want me to go to her funeral!! I said to my sister 'tell her ive booked the front seat, and im singing!' Id love to know why she was so bitter toward me, i wish i knew if i had done something wrong😪
My folks didn’t want me… as I have gotten older, I have come to realize that my folks were so young and had me so young, I was blamed for hardships of their marriage. I wasn’t wanted. Both my parents really didn’t get me any attention and I was yelled at a lot. I always got good grades in school, I was good at sports. As a teen I never partied or drank/did drugs. At Christmas when I was 17 my father got me boxes and luggage and said when i graduated hs. I was to leave… it’s been crazy how I was treated and still get treated by my parents. I’m now 52 years old and still get treated like I’m not wanted. So I don’t really speak to them much.
Yep, I was the unwanted child. My mother definitely did not want another child as I was 10 years younger than my closest sibling (it was pretty obvious) and she just seemed indifferent towards me unless she needed me for something. While I came to terms with that, I will say that because I did not feel the love or felt like I had been nurtured enough, I decided against having children because I didn't want to pass those awful feelings onto another human being. It really stinks having that nagging feeling of never being good enough.
My mother was not an evil or heartless person, but when I was about 14 she casually told me that I was a big mistake. They only wanted my 2 older brothers but her birth control failed. Never tell a kid that, even if it's true. I always felt it, but hearing it was devastating. She also told me that I had "failure to thrive" after I saw a baby photo of me looking thin and unhappy. I wasn't sick, and eventually grew chubby. Then in nursing school, we were taught that infant failure to thrive (without disease) was caused by the mother, who often was unaware. It made sense. I have always felt like a burden, disappointment, or invisible. Invisible is better for me. So much of this lecture is painfully familiar. I love my children so much I just can't imagine not wanting them.
You validated the reason I haven’t been able to keep a job. It would start off beautifully, everyone loved me, but I didn’t know what to do with that acceptance and I created a situation over and over and over, with every child I got. It wasn’t until I saw the same mindset in my sister and her work history that it suddenly dawned on me what was happening. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. Parental abandonment does cause life-long issues, even with therapy. My heart goes out to every person who feels this and who go through other types of trauma. When I was a child, I would ask my mother "Do you love me?" several times a week. This was throughout my childhood and into my teen years. She would say "yes" but I couldn't believe her. My older half sister told our mother "Just tell her no for a change, maybe she'll stop". So that's in my head. I have been through therapy but there are some things that change you and there's no going back. I made sure my children know I love them.
Using a affirmation like "this is a old trigger, I'm safe now" can help. But really I'm learning (with help) you can heal. Almost just having awareness is healing as the first step. It really is about getting into relationships and being open to that gnawing, almost unbearable thought "omg i'm not wanted, once they find out how bad I am they'll leave". It can likely only be completed in a safe relationship. Because until you have that other experience (ive had a few safe moments with trusted women) it then shows you what you missed and what's out there for you. and also, you have to unlearn that unsafe people are likely thoe ones that felt safe growing up. They had an answer for everything, and everyone was to blame. Now you realize the safe ones say "eh, I dunno" or "aww I love that" or they pick people up. That feels very foreign, I used to always have a problem just saying "life is positive, everything will be alright" for a few years. I was so used to chaos and confusion that to hold onto for days, weeks, months that I could be happy was wrong. Because my mom couldn't, and I was trauma bonded to her, for fear of rejection and abandonment. While it was healthy, it was attachment, and it was what I knew of love. But now, I realize it was conditional. Real love is unconditional, and understand we're all different people and we get to choose our tribes. Doesn't mean use people to get ahead, that's actually not how people get rich. It's by leveraging, giving, and treating them equally. Don't just text them when you have a few mins, or need something. Check in because it's fun to learn, to talk, to meet others. We were raised to feel so alone but when you think hard, we're so not.
I was an unwanted child by a narcissist mother and a weak father who was very much influenced by her. I was a miracle baby and a fluke conception as her gynaecologist told her when I was nine. As she had to have a full hysterectomy. It took her a few years to conceive with me. I’am the only child but the big mistake I was born the wrong sex she wanted a boy not a girl . She made that clear and known throughout her life. Even at the age of five I dropped something on the floor at the kitchen table by accident. Where she was enraged by it and blurted out with they gave me the after birth when they gave me you and threw the baby away in the abortion bucket. I’am 55 and single now and have been in a multitude of relationships with narcissistic men. Nothing ever long lasting. I have always felt alone in this world. Not helped on by not having any siblings. Everything you have said is correct in how I have gone along throughout life. But it’s that deep rooted in me now I find it virtually impossible to change my way of thinking. As I have carried it throughout my childhood and all my adult life. I call it my rigid thinking.
Young man, I am truly on that journey of healing and wholeness glory be to God. You have just described many elements of my past and possibly an areas present life. I salute you sir, and I thank God for the anointing that is on your life to share this information so that others can see themselves in it, or their loved ones and get the help they so deserve and need.
This video really spoke to me in a way that not many have ever. I am well versed in trauma but the focus on being the unwanted child was just so pertinent to my story and just made so much personal sense to me. Thanks.
In recent years ive started working with my limbic system and being the parent i always needed...its a work in progress but very rewarding in so many ways❤
Even if you are never told you were unwanted, even a child knows there's a difference between being tolerated and being cherished.
Well said. 👍
The younger they are the better they know. Because babies and very young children FEEL. They don't understand the lies their parents tell them. All they know is that something is off.
There is nothing worse than being tolerated
I met a horse today who came to a ranch traumatized & wouldn’t come near people or other horses. She wasn’t physically abused & she was well fed & groomed, but she was ignored, the “spare” who got very little attention while her owners favored riding & interacting with her stable mates who got all the love & attention.
That’s my story too!
@@bamereg Exactly! I was hospitalized at a young age, separated from my family & while I was crying for my mommy another patient snuck into my room & comforted me. She climbed onto my bed, held me, stroked my face & hair, & sang me to sleep.
I never experienced that before or after with my mom. That one experience felt so right to me it revealed my parents’ deficit. When the youngest was born late in mom’s life she made no effort to hide that this child was her favorite, the Golden Child. Seeing her get that affection, love & attention I was denied undermined my feelings of worth. It wasn’t that mom was incapable, it was her choice!
You know when you aren’t wanted, and it never ever leaves you, even after they pass on!
yes, true. but that is the moment when you realize that you are both the parent and a child to yourself and you treat yourself like you would like you've been treated from a side of your parents. it is not easy but it is the only way you can keep going through life. so, start to adore this little child you were. the fact you were not loved like you deserved, that is a problem in your emotionally "retarded" parents, nothing to do with you. jus love love love! ❤️
@@sintezaproteina exactly!
...unless you forgive them and yourself, as well. But forgiveness takes work, a lot of work. And if you fail to let go, you will be the burdened one...not them!
The parents accepted me as a live in scullery maid. child minder.
@@sintezaproteina Therapy can be very helpful. I have availed myself of therapy on numerous occasions. I also studied psychology at college. My trained mind can understand the pathology of my parents now. But the heart still hurts. I mourn the parents I never had. Probably always will. Sigh.
"Someone who was not fully invited into the world. They seem like visitors, outsiders who might leave any minute." 😢 The story of my life. ❤ Thank you.
Or you feel like they want you to leave. My mom didn't tell anyone she was pregnant. She had Hepititis and was hospitalized for this before I was born. I was an unwelcome surprise.
You are so right. As a tiny child I often wondered why my parents spent all their time with the other two and never me. I felt like I was an experiment. Things really turned when I was moved out the house into the servants quarters at the bottom of the garden at 8 years old. Not long after they took me to court and handed me to government. I ran away and lived on the evil streets. What made it worse is that it was in Africa where no child has it easy from evil gangs.
I was 63 before I understood this and took steps to truly heal it.
😢The story of me, as well. There was so MUCH shame placed on me. I was and STILL am, the black sheep. I spoke TRUTH, and was victimized. I was born premature. My mother was told by her Doctor, after she had my 2nd sister, she should NOT attempt to get pregnant again, due to difficulty. She desperately wanted to give my Daddy a boy, although, my Daddy already having 3 son's by his first wife. One son (half-brother) died around a year old, with I believe I remember Daddy said he passed from pneumonia. Do Momma (AGAINST Doctor's orders) got pregnant with me. She developed Toxemia, and she'd often go throughout the house in a shrieking 😱tone, screaming: Dr. ----- said "the O-N-L-Y thing that saved MY life, was your being born too early.". I remember being around 5-6 years of age, I ran to garden area behind our first tiny home, with my bucket & shovel, digging in the dirt, as I sang: " Thank You, God that I didn't kill mommy." 😢😭I had to stay in incubator from birthday 11/30 to mid-January the next year. I was consistently reminded, that Mom wanted me to be a boy. She got pregnant again and FINALLY had the golden boy, she ALWAYS wanted. My oldest sister from same Mom, often told me, viciously, "I used to see momma, while pregnant with you, she'd stick her fingers down her throat, attempting to SPEW you from her womb !" I am almost 62, and have carried this LIE from the pit of hell, causing me intense internal pain, sadness, etc. But I KNOW God and Jesus Christ wanted me in this world. Jeremiah 29:11-14a. I'm so grateful for my LORD 🙌✝️👑🥰🙏
We all have such similar stories. Know this, the Divine loved you into being and you are worthy. With an open mind and heart, observe your life and the people in it. Mentally, remind yourself of your true beauty. Mentally, call out the lies you are being told about yourself. Nurture yourself until you get stronger and know that a day will come when you will walk out with your head held high. In the meantime, learn about your options, resources, and find helpful information. You are strong. You will make better choices, with better information. You can do this!
Emotional Neglect and being unwanted as a child is utterly debilitating throughout your life.
It's the 'quiet' kind of trauma that went completely ignored for decades. I grew up in the 60s and it has scared my entire life.
Yep!
70's child myself. I understand how you feel. Had physical abuse on top of the emotional.
@@ScorpionMaiden75 Oh my father was violent. He would kicked my brother around the living room like a football... Thankfully that aggression was not directly focused upon myself most of the time. But I know what you are likely to have had to endure as a child!
Even now I feel stigma talking about emotional neglect in my childhood at 56
@@SusannaSaunders I appreciate you dear. We are blessed to be alive 💞🫂💞
💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜
This continues with siblings rejecting you in later life. It's really so sad. The grief goes on. ❤
So true it’s happened to me. I’ve been rejected by my brother completely. It’s so surreal for me as it’s only now that I’ve woken up to why I am like this
Its very true.
I made the comment and I,m from Lisbon born in 1951, and one of my brothers he is exactly like my mom.
He hates me to the core,like she did, they both. Hate my existence...
What a demonic people
She pass away in 2006 with colon Cancer
Guess who took care her?
Me if course...
I decided early in life not to be like her, and that helped me a lot..and made me stronger.
So true
@@MariaNunes-po5rc rest easy, your family felt threatened by your goodness
Excellent point. I can vouch for it.
"someone who was not fully invited into the world" thats it.. in words.
I was invited into the world until I was born. Then I was uninvited because I'm a girl. No ultrasound back in that day, so no way to tell the sex until the birth. When I was born, it was a huge letdown. I'm the oldest, they wanted the firstborn child to be a boy.
@@BoopOnYourNose my parents had me because the adoption of a little boy fell through. My sisters were in their teens. I was fun as an infant, but out of that stage I was a sickly nuisance. One sister will tell anyone to this day how much she hates me (she's 82). My mother would do anything to keep me out of the house. And when I was in the house I was the maid. I was told I was bred to take care of them. And I did until they died. The only unconditionall love I've known came from a horse. I miss him so much. I turned out unable to trust anyone who doesn't have four legs.
It’s All hit and miss,
Our parents are just Chanel’s to enter the world through. Loved or unloved it’s just lessons on how to love oneself.
@@mirandaguastella8716 Truth be told.
@@rouxfaces
Yes thank you
! Too much emphasis on this & that , the fact is your here and it’s a miracle, embrace it , every lesson is a blessing.
I am an adoptee, late 60's, when they thought babies were a "blank slate".... we never get any recognition for our suffering. we're just supposed to be gratefull and keep our mouth shut, and smile
I am so glad to know you are here. I am grateful you are here and I am so very sorry for the suffering you have endured. ❤️🙏🏻
Me too.
🙏 yes
As an adoptive mother, I would get so mad at people who would say things like what you describe people say to you. When my kids would have questions about their pasts or where they came from, people would say things like, 'You're just lucky to have parents and you should be grateful." Horrible thing to say to adopted people.
isnt that what religion wants?
It's weird because I am an unwanted child. However, I came to realise that I didn't need an invitation, I came on my own terms. I have found so much power in that, actually.
I like the way you think! I feel the same way. If I wasn’t wanted or desired, fck them! I’m here and doing things my fcking way!
I love this. Thank you
Wow yes, thank you for this. Something clicked in my brain.
Thank you.
I realized I was unwanted and spent too much time wondering if I was supposed to do something to make up for it somehow. But then one day I thought, You know what? God decided that this world needed a person just like me and he sent me. So if no one can be happy about it that's just too bad. That's their problem, not mine, and I'm not going to spend my whole life apologizing for taking up space here on planet earth! God has His reasons. Anyone who has a problem with God's plan can just take it up with Him!
YES! Thank you. Well said, I'm going to take my power back. ❤
I was most definitely unplanned and unwanted. Fortunately Grandma filled many many of my needs. Saved me in so many ways.
@sandy1128 so was I and my grandparents who saved me and they loved me unconditionally.
Good for you. My older relatives were the only kind people in my childhood.
me too.
Grandparents frequently are the best child development professionals.
I was the family surprise after 8 years. My dad refused to talk to me, he would tell my mom to tell me things he refused to talk directly to me, he refused to sit next to me, he refused to look at me and never once did I get a hug from him. My mom couldn't stand to look at me because I looked like my dad and said no man would ever want me. My mom always said she wished I was never born, and I was her problem. At the age of 16 I left and now at the age of 67, my only regret is I didn't leave earlier. I had to undue all the mental damage that was done and once I realized it was not me, I healed.
It was never you. I understand your pain, and I am so sorry. But you’ve made it out. Take comfort in that.
I was unwanted to the point of being hated by my mother. She lied about it to everyone until she died and never was able to show me love. I do everything I can to make sure my children know how easy it is to love them and how glad I am to have them in my life.
I'm sorry you had that experience, I'm so glad you endured. I'm eternally grateful you were able to plant the seeds of love in your children.
I pray you have peace 🕊️, enjoy every minute you can with them.
I had the same experience, my mother had nothing to spare for me, life had been such a disappointment for her.
As a result I am unable to form lasting relationships and at 63 am in a codependent relationship with a woman who was beaten as a child.
We failed to have children because of the lack of joy in my heart.
@@AndyJarmanbless you. May you find beauty and peace in yourself and all positive life surrounding you.
May you know that you are wanted, and cherished and a joy. You are not a burden. Sending hugs 🫶🏻
@@dailylifeexperiences560. 💯
My parents did not want me and my father took every opportunity to TELL me as much. The emotional, physical, sexual abuse I lived through caused 67 yrs of damaged life. I've worked in therapy for 40 plus years but you can't undo the trauma. No child should be born unwanted. EVER
Lots are going to be coming down the pike now!
@@Mrs.TJTayloryes, so many thanks to the self-righteous and self-serving justices of the Supreme court.
@@wdfkTV8555 Exactly. You got it.
@@Mrs.TJTaylor sadly
That's why when my stupid live-in girlfriend got " accidentally" pregnant I told her " It's your body but I can't be a father". She's the one who told me that an IUD only lasted 4 years. Yet she went 6 years without changing it. What I'm most proud of in my life; not having an unwanted child with a miserable bitch who lived in an imaginary dream world.
People are not reliable. Love yourself and take good care.
I use to feel this way, until I saw it in myself as well.
Depending on someone as flawed as oneself, is not sufficient. Only God's perfect love truly provides safety and security.
Took forever to stop looking outside myself for the love I needed to nurture within. 💚
Focus on your own well-being. The rest will fall into place.
@@vickikenton5439
How come then that those who are counting themselves as nothing, and who are willing to lay their lives down for others, are considered heroes?
When my daughter was 4 she asked me “mommy do you remember when you and daddy had a fight and you went into the little blue bathroom and cried”? She then mimicked what I did during that event which was to sit on the floor of the bathroom and hug my knees to my chest. I remembered that scenario n clearly. The strange thing about her question is that I was 3 months pregnant with her when that happened and never told her of that fight after she was born. She even knew the color theme in the bathroom because it was in fact, blue.
She was also a twin, but my body absorbed the other fetus by my 8 week checkup. I found out I was pregnant very early and the twin was visible using the “dildo cam” internal ultrasound. When my girl was about 5, she told my dad that she had a little brother that didn’t make it.
Fetuses know a lot more than we think that they do.
We choose our parents before we are born. We also choose the life we will live. Every soul/person is "wanted" and loved by God/Jesus.
Wow, incredible!
😮
WOW!!
We don’t choose our parents, but God chooses us and He determines the time and places where we live according to the Bible Acts17:26. He sends us with a purpose and we are deeply loved.❤
I've heard that we choose our parents. If that's true, I got here and realized I had made a terrible horrible mistake that you can't take back! I felt so hopeless as a child. My parents wanted a boy, but I showed up. I was a tomboy kid,t that didn't work. When I became a girly girl, that created even more conflict. .My mother kept picking at my looks, appearance, my father said I'would never amount to anything because im female. My brothers on the other hand got praise for everything they did. When they ran over the neighbors lawn with the car, the police got called, nothing happened to them. No punishment, no taking the car away, nothing. But if I made one wrong move there was he'll to pay. I got out as soon as I could. My parents failed and sabotaged me at every turn. I had to put the pieces of my life back together as a young adult. It was hard work, and now they've both passed, so they can't hurt me anymore. I finally found the family I felt I deserved with my husband and his parents. I had a wonderful life with them, and still do. Sorry for the long rant. Thanks in advance if you read all this..
Adopted in 68, at 2 weeks old. I was always told I should be grateful by everyone and treated like I was an endentured servant that had better know my place and ridiculed mercilessly. Which caused me to be the entertainer of the family and to fawn over everyone, just short of worshipping the ground they walk on, because they expected it. Let's just say, at 55, I'm over it and no longer talk to any of them.
This is great whether it's permanent or temporary...
May I ask what's next? The steps are gradual yet continual. As we move forward we do so looking for bright sides even if we have to create the bright side for ourselves.
I personally have a relationship with God, being in a relationship with God has given me a joy that I cannot describe. The kind of Joy I speak of, is habit of smile on my face when my circumstances or surroundings suggest that I be sad, fearful and crying...
However, happiness is a temporary emotion. I am the one responsible for that.
I'm 53, my circumstances were different but I can relate to your story.
So, where do we go from here?
Good for you! They dont deserve you 🙏
Been there, am doing that
Tim, everything you said. The self loathing. The feeling of never belonging. The feeling of being a burden. That's HUGE in my life. Always worrying about of someone is mad at me or I'm interfering in their time. I truly don't even know where to start but you are so spot on. THANK YOU. I had collic as a baby my mother said so I would think that further interfered in the bonding. My mom only pays attention to my older brother. She only cares about him. I'm invisible or she's passive aggressive.
Well, I love you. Also, don't be afraid to get help if you need it. I give love from me to you. ❤️❤️❤️
@sherisetodd59 I received help now but no one I've worked with understands. 7 therapists.
You might want to try some support groups. Support groups might be a good thing for you.
Seven, oh. Well also, I am not saying this solves the problem but you might need to cut ties with her and find a support group even if you have to go from group to group until you come across the right one. Also, remember, there is nothing wrong with you if she was a jerk and search out some support groups until you find the right one.
How can we fix this … I just don’t know how to fix this
I don't usually comment on videos because I feel like my thoughts are "unwanted", but this resonated with me so much and felt compelled to share. I was an “accident” and my parents would tell me and my brothers that they would take us to an orphanage when we made them mad. They would often say things like "i hate you and I wish you were never born". They even left my brothers on the side of the rode and drove away saying that the "new family" was going to pick them up, and drove down the street and picked them up a few minutes later. I now experience every result on that list. Feeling so unworthy of love, relationships, good jobs, even sabotage my own health because I feel deep down like I never should have existed in the first place. You really did a great job explaining exactly what it feels like to be an unwanted child and put words to things that I have felt but didn't know how to explain. I especially liked how you distinguished the unconscious wish to die as a separate point from "sewerslidal" fantasies. I really don't want to die, but ever since I was a kid I have felt deep down this wish to die gnawing at me like a hunger pang, but instead of starving for food, I was starving for love and belonging. It really is a LIFETIME of trauma, but understanding where our trauma comes from and knowing we're not alone is such a big step in the healing process. Thank you for everything you do to help people understand their trauma.
Thank you for your post. I was very affected by what you wrote and went through. I was also an unwanted child and always had "sewersidal" thoughts. I couldn't wait to leave home and have always felt alone even if I had friends. Lack of trust has always been an issue for me as well as the feeling I had to do things for people. Watching this video was enormously helpful.
Some people don't deserve kids. 😢
❤ I got told about “the naughty girls home”.
The book “it didn’t start with you” is useful for working through generational trauma in the healing process. ❤
I understand@@elenatramsti5176
Wow! My parents did the "take you to an orphanage" thing as well. In fact, my older sister spent her first day of kindergarten wondering what she did wrong that got her sent away.
That being said, my mother was also an unwanted child. I try to forgive her especially finding out that much of what her mother did to her, she did to me. But it's still hard, and even this week, I wanted to make a sign for my office that says First, Last, and Only Survivor.
My mother told me at a very young age that I was unwanted. My two older sisters would tell me I was adopted and she would laugh hysterically at that. She said I was a very quiet baby, rarely cried. I always kept myself small around her. Obviously there was no connection between us and throughout my teen years she was disgusted with my existence because she was unhappy with my father and expected me to make her life happy. I moved tothe west coast and pretty much went no contact. As she aged she would call me and tell me I needed to move closer to “home”. When she died I felt nothing.
It’s annoying how mothers play this game.
How on EARTH can they think their abuse is forgivable just because you spent 9 months in their belly!?!
My mom left when I was two, came back when I was 12 at the pleading by my dad’s parents when he was on his deathbed. No one else would take care of my brother and me.
I had a hard time putting up with her abuse and manipulation, and even attempted a relationship a few times once I had a child.
She would ask/accuse why I am so defiant and standoffish.
I told her if she wanted another victim to add to her ring of losers, she should’ve raised me so I would be bonded to her and be sufficiently insecure.
Sending hugs 🤗
Thank you for your post. People often talk about "mother love" as if it is a reflex that every woman feels for her child. Of course this isn't true and children know when they are not loved. The effect this has had on my life was significant. When I was a teenager and friends would come over, they inevitably said, "After meeting your family, I think the stork tripped." Listening to this podcast, I was able to forgive myself for the problems I've had, and the choices and actions I took. My mother made it clear I was a burden to the family, and I should be grateful for whatever I got. I, too, moved to the West coast and had little to do with my family. But it was quite hurtful when I found out one of my brothers did not even mention to his wife that I existed and when my parents disowned me and informed the rest of the family that I was no longer a part of them. I felt like my very existence had been erased by them.
@@elenatramsti5176 You exist for me ❤
@@Anetekonjo ❤
"Someone who was not fully invited into the world. They seem like visitors, outsiders who might leave any minute"
~ nailed it.
@@widyaniswar it's a pretty evocative statement.
I was an unwanted baby. My aunt told me once I was the result of a rape. My whole family was dysfunctional. I looked after my mother since I was 6 and until she died, she always said she’d tell me on her deathbed who my father was, she said it was my father after all. She hurt me so much, I have many problems but grew up clever (no education) and very good looking all that helped, but I have a never ending emptiness inside. I married but never had children. This is the first ever explanation that helps me. Good bless all of us.
It sounds like you did an amazing job 👏👏👏
I'm glad that abortion was not "legal " then. Innocent people should not die because they are not wanted.
@@Parakeetfriend4215 You just listened to all of the harm caused even in utero when the mother is stressed out and doesn't want a pregnancy, and you are prepared to legislate that all of these babies get born anyway - into a country that doesn't value mental health or taxes or collective responsibility for the health of all citizens, no less. Good grief.
Question your relationship with your aunt. No one should tell you such a traumatic statement. You must've known how you were unwanted and she validated it but added to the injury. Hopefully you can get some excellent help to discuss this horrible pain. I hope you feel safe and loved by yourself one day and create a the life you really desire.
I understand about the part of breaking up a relationship before they break up with me oh my goodness yes
I was in my late 60’s before I was able to face the truth of being unwanted. I was the third girl, they were so disappointed when I was 2 months old my dad actually drank a potion given to him with the guarantee he’d conceive a boy this time and it worked. My baby brother was born one week before my 1st birthday. It’s a story my parents loved to tell over & over. It’s part of our “Family Story” with no regard for how that would affect me. I experienced rejection after rejection, bullying by siblings, scapegoating, and devaluing my right to life, expecting me to sacrifice myself for others.
I concur that with time, motivation, & work I will come to love myself and pursue the things that bring me happiness & joy.
Hugs to you.
Wow that sounds very rough. I found freedom when I decided not to want them either. I'm 65 and it helped me. ;) Peace!
I hope you find true happiness!!
A similar story. I am the second girl and unwanted because obviously my mom wanted a boy. She would speak openly about what she had to do when having sex with my father so that she would conceive a boy, and miraculously it worked! I was always on the outside looking in.
@@ruwaydahobaray1983 That's just not right. Sorry that happened to you.
Thank you. I was told I wasn't "planned" my dad had a vasectomy before I was conceived. I was told it was a "happy" accident but was treated with anger and spite. Everything was my fault. My older sisters were blameless little angels but I was somehow responsible and punished for everything they did. I was accused of lying, being "rebellious" and making life difficult for them. I deeply sensed I was not wanted from a young age.
My parents always found reasons to be unhappy with me. I was the only born with "problems". I have adhd, epilepsy, chronic lifelong insomnia and a learning disability. But instead of getting my any help, even for my seizures, I was just accused of making my parents lives difficult. I was labeled "the difficult one" and the "rebellious" one because my parents didn't understand my adhd wasn't just me "wanting to be difficult". When I tried to defend myself and speak up, I was screamed at and told to "stop being defiant". They never wanted to understand me. They wanted to hate me and blame me for everything that was wrong in their lives. My sisters even treated me like I was some type of alien.
It was a such a sad and lonely experience There are no words to describe how alone I felt.. The most emotional and painful time of my life was my childhood. I was even having existential crises at a 5. I thought I might have a figment of someone's imagine, I thought I wasn't real. I wanted to run away. The good thing is, because of skepticism, I was able to break away from my families' religious cult. I was able to form my own opinions and be way more open-minded they ever dreamt of being. I had nothing to lose, they hated me anyway.
As soon as I turned 18 I ran off and got married to someone even worse. He completely fooled me. But i was young and naive, etc... Of course that ended in divorce. He was emotionally and physically abusive and that marriage ended in divorce. Just now, 40 years later, I am finally getting into therapy. It is my turn to be happy.
You are a courageous survivor & deserve joy! keep going! forgive your mistakes. Never give up
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.larks I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once.
Breathe. You're strong. You got this Take it day by
day.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.larks
I was a “suprise” as I was born 8 years after the youngest of 3 was born. I knew from an early age my father wasn’t happy to have another child. I always felt like my father resented me and I had a very difficult relationship with him. I carried around the believe for 54 years that if my own father didn’t love or want me no one would. Finally one day I realized no one was keeping that belief alive but me and that’s all it was…a belief, not necessarily the truth. I made the decision then and there I was no longer going to believe I was unlovable and it honestly transformed my life.
Bravo! Yes, we must LEARN to love ourselves❣️
Yes! This reminds me of the work of Louise Hay, about how changing our thinking changes everything.
I've known people who had many unplanned babies and loved them all...control of everything isn't the same as love...love is a free choice.
What if you were a practical joke played by your mother on your father - 12 years after the birth of the oldest child. Misogynistic and emotionally absent father and a mother that was chronically severely depressed and periodically abusive. I was pretty much left to raise myself. And being a daughter- was taught early on that being female was bad, having any needs was selfish, and you darn well better be quiet and agreeable- or else!
You have described my childhood. Especially the part about how society regarded females.
oh wow sameish but male shamed for being male
Boys go through the same thing.
I learned early on my needs didn’t matter.
Another category is when the parents have a “wanted” child only to fulfill societal expectations but in reality they wish otherwise. It can be one of the two or both parents.
It's like never existing as me, only existing as something they want.
Not someone. SOMETHING.
I think about how therapists must get a lot of children of tiger moms.
I call these social media babies. A lot of friends my age (younger millennials) fall into this category and as a psych student, it’s infuriating. Children aren’t here for you to play the role you feel the need to play in society.
@@ChronicallyTT I often tell critics of childfree "If not having children is selfish, show me the altruism of popping out babies for Instagram clout."
@@skylinefever People really make parenting sound like joining the military. 😭 I understand why it was like that in the past. But we really don’t need to repeat that kind of problem in modern times.
I was adopted, my mother turned 18 the day after she had me. I was born with a double hernia so spent 2 months in I guess an orphanage before I could go home with my parents. Then I was sexually abused, I knew what a vibrator was when I was 3. That's was just the beginning, it took me until I was 54 to realize how screwed up I was. Still working on me at almost 56.
I am sorry 😢
Hang in there. It can better. ❤
Awww. You are a survivor! God bless!
My adoptive mom once told me, "you will have no friends. They may like you at first, but once they get to know you, they won't like you.". Your video hit me differently. My mom was abused growing up. I believe now that she was projecting her fears onto me, instead of being just horrible. Don't mistake me, she WAS horrible. She, I feel, was a vulnerable narcissist. For her, it was always a victim mentality. My husband and I called it the "poor Marge syndrome".
I was her youngest. When I got married and moved out, she clung harder to me. It was sufficating. I was always confused about why she clung so hard when she treated me like a defect she could brush aside my whole childhood. When I was a child, though, I had no choice but to stay. Where could I go. She panicked when I was independent and had a choice to leave her.
Thank you, Tim for this breakthough. It was healing!
So sorry your adop mom was broken
I love how you're able to both hold her accountable and show her grace. That's incredible emotional maturity. You have every right to be hurt, but instead of just projecting the righteous anger you've chosen to be just. I think that's admirable and I've learned a lot from your comment.
Thank you.
@@MissHolliday3110 thank you.
You must be my long lost sister - because the person who birthed me said those same words. 😑
@@deenabee6279 I'm so sorry. Those words are so untrue!
I developed an autoimmune disease by the time I was 9. The very thing supposed to protect me, my immune system, was attacking me. By the time I was 15, I knew “I don’t want kids. There’s too much I want to do in life and to raise them right, they need more attention.” I made the choice to not have kids then. And at 45, I have zero regrets. I refuse to bring a child in the way I was brought in. Thank God, He guided me on how to heal that autoimmune disease. Now to heal my heart.
Lifting you in prayer for your healing heart.
I refused to have kids too. Glad I did
I also developed my first autoimmune disease at 9. More followed. The biggie, the rare and eventuality fatal one, was finally diagnosed diagnosed at 65. I will not pass on these hereditary diseases. I also fear feeling about my child as my mother did me. No child should be born to such a mother.
My mother hated that I am a girl. She told me when i was a teenager"never get pregnant, you'll have to go on welfare, you'll never be able to take care of it, you don't even have a boyfriend or husband, you'll be a disgrace to the family"
So I didnt have children, because she put the fear of God in me that I'd never be able to raise them right. Raise them like her, with my father who treated us all like crap and left her when she got diagnosed with cancer? No thanks. So I never had children I'm 63 now. No regrets AT ALL.
@@BoopOnYourNose Yeah me too but for a slightly different reason. My mother constantly complained about how much work was involved with raising children. She’d tell us things like when you leave the house to run errands, you have to pack for the kids like you’re going on vacation, then unpack,etc. etc. She made it sound so unappealing that NONE of her four daughters had children. Mom also made it clear that she wasn’t able to live the life she wanted because of her children.
It is just as hard to realise that one's narcissitic mother only wanted you, because she didn't want to work, and as soon, as she had her baby, she rejected her new motherhood: Too much work.
Yeah mine was like that too.
Crazy how common this is. =(
Until you are old enough to work for the narcissistic. I was the downstairs maid for my mother.
My mother has gaslit me my whole life saying she loves her children more than anything, but everything in this video completely makes sense. I recently found a diary from when I was 13, and had written how I felt I was a burden and wished I would just die.
I'm sorry about your experience and I know it's not the place but on behalf of your mom, she really does love you, she just can't split her realities in two and her trying to bring both i.e her trauma and her love for you guys together makes it seem like gaslighting because the two don't mix well. She's barely herself but she does love you, she's not consciously gaslighting you 😢
@@joyc9323 Did your mother blame you for relationships that ended and call you a whore? Did she force you to sleep on dirty, dusty floors until you had asthma? Did she force you to eat food she knew made you throw up? Love sounds pretty twisted to me.
@@joyc9323You might not realise it but your comment is very invalidating and ironically gaslighting to the original poster. It's important not to deny or invalidate another person's lived experience.
When I was 12 or 13 years old, I wrote on a piece of paper:
Leben (life) : L = Leiden (suffering); E = Einsamkeit (loneliness); B = böse (mean);
That’s what being alive meant to me in that early age!
@katec9893 AMEN to that. My wife says, when your parents don't love you, it doesn't matter who else does. 😢
My Mother was 4 months pregnant with me when my Father eventually married her. Growing up, whenever my parents fought (frequently) my Mother would shake her finger in my face and tell me “this is all your fault, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be stuck in this mess!” Of course, I always felt that I was responsible for their unhappiness and bad marriage. I became a people pleaser, and a perfectionist. As an adult, I have been married and divorced twice. I couldn’t believe that my husband(s) ever loved me because if my parents didn’t want me or love me, how could anyone else. I have made sure however that my own children have always known that they are, and always have been wanted and loved. I am now 67, happily single and still working on trying to love myself for the first time in my life. Thank you for your video, it was enlightening. ❤
I’m sorry she said that to you. Awful.
I had a wonderful therapist in Las Vegas for 3 years. Once she heard my life story she wouldn't leave me alone unless I would write a book on my life. Haven't done it yet but I got the title; "
" How The Stork Dropped Me Down The Wrong Chimney and How I Climbed My Way Out To The Mountaintop ". Maybe if I get to a Mountaintop I'll start the book. I'm sure lots of you out there have had my same childhood.
Don't wait. I'll read the book.
@@kathystorer8831 me too
The title on my book would be; “ How the stork dropped me down the wrong chimney and I didn’t see daylight before the chimney collapsed and I sat there in the rubble”
Yes, and my book is still only a thought.
I had a friend keep telling me the same. I came up with a name for mine too, but never started it. Maybe one day... it's a rabbit hole I don't know if I want to go down if I don't have to.
I called myself an orphan child of living parents.
Do share if your comfortable. I was 19, my mother seem to have lost her mind and my father off on a drunken stupor somewhere..., I moved off to new york, found a church home to get involved with and met a young woman who was an adolescent at the time.
I did not know upon meeting her that her biological mother had died, or been murdered in front of her. One day she asked me about my parents and I told her I didn't know where my father was, and that my mom had died.
You see, growing up, they were two totally different people, in my late teenage years, I didn't know who these people were.
At that time we were estranged, they both are deceased now; we were blessed to be reconciled.
That's exactly the sound of my life. As a child I was always looking for another familiy in the neighbourhood. I so much wanted to belong to them. Because at "home", I was ignored and emotionally abused.
I hear you 😊
@mein...that was the same for me. I was never home as a child, I found different friends whose families treated me much better. It took a lot of searching, but I finally found my husband and his family. They treat me with more love and respect than my own family ever did.
I was often told I wasn't theirs and always showed how I wasn't welcome around any family. I was their child , just unwanted. Constantly neglected in every way.
I knew people who were told by a parent I wish I didn't have you or you are unwanted. This video brings together so many things and now this makes sense to me. It is 2 am, I am crying my eyes out.
This video is the very foundation of my life. This explains the very core of my experience of existing. Came into it's own the moment he brought up the suicide obsession.
Oh yeah. I tried at age 8 but I was too chicken to do it. I still have ideation every few minutes and I'm 60. I can't do it though, I believe God wants me to go through all this and die naturally.
Look up Borderline personality disorder. I got that diagnosis. My parents wanted a boy. My sister was born 2yrs later, they cherished her because at least she resembled my father.
Excellent video. I’m the product of an affair. My mother tried to trap my father and when he wasn’t hearing it, she kept me just alive enough for no one to call the cops on her. But I am absolutely the equivalent of a feral human. Anything I’ve learned was on my own, and the hard way. This life has felt like a curse from my moment of conception. The trauma in the womb resonated greatly with me. My aunt punched my mom in the stomach trying to rid her of the shame. The uninvited family guest. Your video gave me clarity and the comment section gave me peace of mind knowing I’m not alone.
WOW I’m so grateful to find your channel. Everything describes my life so perfectly. It’s a relief to have a name for it. God bless you.
13:58 I have never seen myself written out in such simple language. It's scary and liberating.
When my youngest daughter was conceived we were not planning on another child. You could even say we didn't `want` another child, but once it happened and we got over the shock of it, we embraced it. She went from being unwanted in concept, to a very much wanted real person. At no time in her life did either of us ever consider her unwanted, despite the circumstances under which she was conceived. I do not understand parents that have unplanned children and don't embrace it once they're here, let alone hold it against them and make them feel unwanted.
I had a Turkish class mate, her name in Turkish meant "unwanted" as in unwanted pregnancy or child because she was a daughter.
Another woman I know told her what her name means, she got her name from her parents because they had enough of getting daughters, so her name was "it's enough/stop it
It infuriated me so much, the shame of bearing these names & be reminded and being devalued as a woman, just because you are a woman
Thank you Tim for this video. I am 44 years old and grew up unwanted by my father and with a narcissistic mother. My father did not hesitate to say it explicitly throughout my childhood... sometimes jokingly ("I was raped by your mom."), sometimes very seriously. I have no memories of my dad ever doing "dad stuff" with me (playing soccer with me, teaching me how to ride a bike, coming to cheer for me on sports or school events), but I do remember very clearly an instance where he told me seriously I was unwanted (I must have been 10-12 years old). My mom always saw me (including up to today) as a utility for her. This included verbal abuse when she felt I wasn't useful or supportive to her. It sounds like a detail, but I also started realizing that there are no pictures of me with my dad in our family photo albums.
Fast forward 30 years: I am a married father, 3 teenage kids (I am not making the mistakes of my dad ;-)), and went through a marital crisis in the last 2 years. This triggered a lot of my trauma, and recently I started seeing a therapist and I started to connect the dots between my dysfunctional behaviors and my childhood trauma. I tick almost all the boxes in terms of dysfunctional behavior - from feeling almost always unloved, to being a people pleaser and wanted to be everything for everyone... even down to the small but ever-present suicidal thoughts (never to a degree that it would be problematic, but they do pop up in small ways from time to time).
But I have started a healing journey. and I wanted to tell everyone out there that it is possible. One way in particular where I get a lot of benefit from is connecting with my inner child. Spending time with him, giving him the love and "wantedness" he never had. Reconnecting with childhood play and games (including together with my children). Also spending time alone and in silence, something which I have struggled with throughout my childhood. My parents are in their late 70's now, including with health issues. I would really like to tell them one day, but I feel that it will not resonate with them and will hurt them... also, they will not change anymore at their age. I have good hopes that I can heal myself and most importantly ensure that I don't commit the mistakes of my parents towards my own kids.
I hope you can make some more videos on this topic and especially on the healing journey.
Thank you for sharing your story. Prayers for you and your family.🙏
I'm sorry you went through that and if he was as a man actively admitting to being raped by her he may well have been telling the truth. Guys don't admit such things easily, you however were not the one he should of told that to nor should it have been taken out on you.
74 year old guy here who is checking almost all the boxes. Just awake enough, just self aware enough to know I’m feeling/behaving these ways with the attitudes about life but can’t stop seeing myself as a victim. Yeah wanting to die and move on cause I mess up over and over. Living with a loving kind friend who helps me out but I can’t get over myself to open my heart enough to show my appreciation. My dog and cats are blessing and I feel I don’t do enough for them either. Had so many advantages in this life that I have wasted didn’t deserve it so threw it away then feel so sorry for myself. Just crazy behavior that is leading me to a place of complete aloneness which from childhood has been my biggest fear.
We all need to figure out how to love ourselves since no one else loved us like a true Moma. This is your God given task. Research how to do that. It sounds cheesy but it works. Adoptee here saying sorry and sending you love 💕 💕💕💕💕💕
@@catherinewilson1079 Thank you for your kind words and open heart ❤️. I’ve been searching for Mother’s love all my life. First born son to a mother who was not ready and for sure didn’t want a boy. As a nominal adult I should be well over that experience yet I know it is a very human thing not to be.
@@WillFinch-k4j You have thoroughly absorbed the easy critiques of people who have not lived what we have. For example the common response used today to “Get over it”! You ARE VALUABLE AND LOVED❣️ By God, or by “the universe” if you prefer that concept. I am 71 and have only learned this in the last 6 years. There is no performance, no intelligence, no payment required to know that you are loved.
I understand, but God is a miracle working God! He can make your life brand new! And your coming days can be greater than your former days! Get to know Jesus! Read the Gospel of John, asking God to make Himself very real to you, and He will! He promises, "If with ALL your ❤ you truly seek Me, you will SURELY FIND ME!" Jeremiah 29:13
I'm 57. My Mum told me I was a mistake at age 7. She told me that she wished that I was conceived in1969 because the abortion act in the UK, became law. I was born into a family full of conflict, toxicity and lack of love. I was born in 1966. My siblings were 21, 20 and 10 years my seniors. The way I was treated as a child shaped my life. I didn't have children because i was concerned about bringing a child into the world that wasn't wanted. I would have, but my husband would have resented them. It's a shame that Mum said those things to me and other narratives.
Sounds like your mom had her own demons to deal with.
You WEREN'T a mistake...God wanted you here, and STILL wants you here! "Before I formed you in. the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I consecrated you. I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5 ESV He has a plan and purpose for you! Get to know Jesus! Read the Gospel of John, asking God to make Himself very real to you...and He WILL! He promises..."If with ALL your ❤ you truly seek Me, you WILL SURELY find Me." Jeremiah 29:13
That is painful. In the big picture - the cosmic one - every person and soul is needed on this planet . You have a unique role . There is only one you
@@loismoulton2417 Thank you x
@@loismoulton2417 Thank you x
My Mom tried to get rid of me in her womb using alcohol and a hot bath, recommended to her by her doctor. Her friend was also pregnant and tried the same thing.
The result was me 😅!
I think she and my Dad had shame and guilt. When I found out by my sister telling me what my Mom did in my fifties.
After I got over the shock I realized it was like God showed me why I was the bad ‘person’, and how all of a sudden it was like the lights went on. It wasn’t just lights, but 🎄 Christmas lights.
I had all kinds of memories coming back.
Anyway, God made a way for me, and my children, whom I love dearly, and wanted more than anything else.
I encourage people to not to be discouraged. God loves us best!
Somehow he makes up for the harm done us. ❤
He really does. God’s love saved me through so many hard times in my life.
Look after yourself 👍
What you (choose to) see is what you (choose to) get! We must reframe everything.
If God existed he wouldn’t have let this happen to us. Religion is a lie to keep us stupid
God saved me from giving up also! He told me how much he loves me! Jesus Christ is my everything! ❤️
The worst is when the child hated by the parent becomes the parent hated by the child.
That's why I refused to have children. Also I flat out didn't want them. I did not want my narcissistic mother and my three older sisters or my father near any child of mine. I had myself spayed--problem solved.
I know this
I’ve never heard anyone ever mention this before
that is why i am single with no kids. well one of the reasons.
That is why I refused to have children.
That is why I refused to have children
Sir, you are marvelous. My husband has the trauma you're referring here. I have been married for 8yrs now. It took me 6yrs to convey my sincere admiration and love for him. Yes, it took me this long to convince him that there's no ulterior or hidden motive here. He's out of fight or flight mode, he's currently much calm and secure at work too. I only hope this continues.
Good for you. You sound like a wonderful woman. God bless you.
I was born in 1951 in Lisbon.
When my Mom was pregnant with me, she told my Dad:
If its a girl i don't want her.
Nobody knew if was a boy or girl because those pregnancy test didn't exist .
Guess what! Her first child was a girl ME !!!
I can't explain how dramatic my life was all those years.
After she had 2 boys, my brothers which i loved.
She try to kill me more then one time, but made it sound like an accident...all my life i try to please her, but she never was happy...
She always loved the boys, but not the girl...its a very, very dramatic story but i made the decision earlier in life not to be like her...
I got married age 32 ,had one child a girl and i dedicated all my love and affection to her...and today she doesn't care about me.
What a strange world.
I relay on GOD, and Jesus Christ to keep mentally healthy.
I,m a Bible reader, but not associated with organized religion.
I,m not 💯 happy, but i keep going to do my best..
In today,s society i found difficult to find someone 💯 happy.
Thanks God bless you All.
I wish you and I lived near each other. To share coffee, and talk. Our lives sound similar. Except it was my dad who tried to kill me.
I also trust God and Jesus completely without organized religion.
God bless you.
God bless me.
God bless us all.
Well we sound like we are triplets of the world. I was born girl 3rd child all the others were boys. I was rejected and my life was very difficult. But surprisingly my 2nd brother was rejected too.. My father was a good man. Thank God. Nowadays I have no relationship either with her or any of my brothers. Since I was 7 or 8 years old, she presumed , that I will looking for men. That I like older men, that I will ended up with children of different fathers. Yes , I didn't understand how talking to a man will get you pregnant. I was so confuse. My father sent to study to another city, he provided all I need, just nothing came, she gave it to her first child. Now she has alzheimer's live with that son and his new wife, (😣). I reduce to have children , afraid of being a bad mother.
I continue to not understand why anyone would not want a girl. I just don't get it. Men spend their entire lives wanting women. Women take care of everyone and only they can have more people. It seems more women would serve society better than fewer. Men are needed only for heavy lifting honestly.
@@sunshinepatsoph4219 Add me in the group.
I suspect these mothers are boy crazy and see girls as competition.. Mine was like that but I'm grateful to have a shot at life and deep inside, you are as well. You wrote a beautiful story and I wish you happiness. I also spoiled my daughter who feels guilty towards her treatment of me and is cold. Guilt makes people cold, even insulting towards those they hurt....at 77 I'm expecting my 7th grandchild and learned to forgive. I pray and have 2 rejected shelter dogs and 3 of the grandchildren grew up with me and are friends so I'm very blessed, though pretty broke! God bless you...the best may be in your future.
As someone with a significant abandonment story myself, I want everyone who is reading this and who feels they are unlovable or that there's 'something wrong with me' to know that YOU ARE NOT BROKEN and whatever you've experienced you can heal from it and live a fulfilling life.
I can relate to many things said in this video [people-pleasing being a big one for me, but I'm very conscious about this pattern now so it's significantly less prevalent than before]. But I've never been mistrusting - previously I was reverse; trusting everyone and then am surprised/hurt if they behave badly.
What is missing from this video is to mention the GIFTS that going thru such difficult experiences can bring. Empathy to others' pain being one. The capacity to be with others when they are suffering. The capacity to not shirk away from the dark side of life or the dark thoughts that others experience, because you've experienced it first hand. Inner strength to deal with life's challenges.
I think my experiences have been a catalyst for my life's work which has been helping others to live their best lives. It took a lot of work to do my own inner healing, and I still see some of these patterns playing out in my life [the people-pleasing thing, overworking]. But I wouldn't change it.
Diamonds are formed from the pressure of the rocks. Pearls are formed from the grit in the oyster. Do your healing work and cultivate self-compassion - but at the same time don't ignore the blessings in the trauma. Don't give up, even when things are tough [I've been there - for years]. Bring light to the dark times. And know that you are WHOLE. It is impossible for you to be otherwise.
Love, compassion, and hugs to you.
Some of our words got me thinking.
When my parents were dead, I went to a goldsmith with their wedding rings and had them melted down to make a ring for ME and in that ring I had a very fine diamond and some white pearls set.
Now I feel like Phoenix, the bird that rose from the flames, because I’m finally free, but with me I carry the pressure and the grit only in a more beautiful way, I know I’ll never forget.
Thank you for this. Know I was unwanted as a child, and still feel this way at 40. The list of results... checked off every single one.
My mother started abusing me when I was still a baby. I actually don’t remember but she said, “I abused you”, and my sister confirmed it. My dad said, “your mother didn’t love you”. 😊
I’m almost 50 and never had kids and am pretty much unable to trust any potential romantic partners.
It was pretty painful and lonely but eventually you learn to adjust as best you can.
I haven’t seen my mom in 20 years. 😊
Focusing on work helps.
You are alive.
@@mares3841 I am and do quite well financially.
@@mares3841 True and I do quite well financially.
I understand and I am sorry ❣️
@@catherinewilson1079 No worries, I do quite well financially.
I grew up unwanted by humanity and still unwanted by many. Was told many things, experience many things, saw many things that no one should see. How does one over come, Jesus is the calming, the comfort,the logic, the peace needed.
Amen.
Amen! Jesus heals all xxx
Amen .
Thank you for sharing. Thanking GOD for the life HE gave you🙏🏾.
Your comments has given me much insight this morning 🙏🏾
I was an unwanted child. My birth mother decided to abuse and starve me(permanently injuring me physically), and I was taken from her at around 6 months. I had a foster family and then I was adopted into a family with no children but rather absent parents who immediately put me in the care of maid and then went back to work. When we came to the states I was around 5 and it was just my mom. I feel like I've been alone as a kid all my life. My parents were always so busy, working hard to advance their careers and just make ends meet. I feel sort of lost in the shuffle, and the only times I remember being noticed where when I failed at something. This didn't lead to anything good. I know they had their burdens, and they were abused too, so I can understand them. But this does nothing to relieve MY pain and suffering, and help ME become a whole person who feels worthy of good things. It has been a hard fight, through a delinquent and wasted opportunities of youth, to homelessness and addiction as man. I'm finally housed in a dignified manner and working a steady job and I almost feel human but I still have so much pain I'm only beginning to address. Shit is hard man.
I understand. Slightly different situation but I do understand you.
Don't give up. You decided to come into this world because you knew even before you were born that you would do something great! Have your back, trust, and respect yourself.
Yes, please NEVER, EVER give up on this precious thing called LIFE! As I see it, every person who ever lived, is now living, or will live in the future has won the "lottery of life" by NOT becoming gross slimy sperm going down the drain, dried up on the bedsheet--you get my drift. Therefore, by that very fact that we ARE alive on this beautiful planet is proof that YOU were meant to be here. Plain and simple. Period. ;-) Cheers to you lucky man!
I’m so sorry for your pain and thank you for writing your truth. The world wants you, even though parents failed you. I’m going through this myself, and as an old woman I can tell you we who were unwanted are valuable people. You have the unique ability to understand others and every act of kindness you do is also a kindness to yourself. That little boy inside of you has every right to be afraid. But I see you are taking steps to help her, to take care of him. I believe in you and your right to be here. Hugs!!
You have overcome so much and we are so proud of you! ❤️ Jesus Christ saved me from giving up from the pain and if you ask him he will help you too.
I resonated with every single one of those "when you get older" points. I am 62 now. It's so painful!
Yes, so did I. It hurts.. But I am so grateful for this video bringing up the topic ..
Yes, the more time, 63 years, I’ve had to think about things that happend during my life the more I understand why I’m so unhappy and often angry and sad, but most importantly that it wasn’t my fault, it was my f*ing keep up the apperance dysfunctional parents.
I was adopted at six weeks after being born into a children's hospital. My mother was 16 and my father denied fatherhood. I grew up in a strict Christian home in very much the back of beyond. I have Aspergers, Ehler Danlos syndrome and am celiac. And recently I realised i had CPTSD. Then I paid for EMDR therapy and it changed my life. I now feel I live in the present. Good video, friend.
You are a survivor
This helps me to understand more about what I went through. I was the older child halfling...but "adopted in" nonetheless with my dad any stepmom. My natural mom was wonderful, just a little mentally and emotionally unstable. My dad used it to snatch me, only to shelve me away into perpetual servitude.
I knew I wasn't loved by my dad or stepmom. I thought I was loved by my younger siblings until they grew up. Of course I remained in denial, and was in my mid-50's before I realized that none but my natural mother loved me much, if at all. It has been a hard, hard pill, but I prefer to live in reality. Thank God for my real mom. I probably wouldn't be alive today without her.
I always knew I was not wanted starting on the day I was born. I avoid all relationships. I live the lone wolf life. I endure every item on your list that you mentioned in this video.
In agreement endured , suffering a silent horror !
@@obliooberon3679 You have my compassion. I hope you heal. I have never been hugged or loved by anyone. I have only been abused. Loneliness is all I know. Toxic people should NEVER be parents, because they are clueless as to how much they damage their children.
My heart ❤goes out to you❤ I went through bad stuff too and still confused and trying to deal with it😢
@@stephaniedonatello6844. Thank you. Yes, it takes time to process all the bad stuff that happens to us. But always remember that there was never anything wrong with you or about you. The problem always belonged to your abusers. They are the ones who were unable to see how precious and wonderful you truly are, and they are the ones who have the communications, empathy, and relationship issues and deficiencies. They shamed you undeservedly, but they should truly be ashamed of themselves for their despicable behaviour and mistreatment of you. They deflected their insecurities and deficiencies by shaming you instead of looking in the mirror and fixing their own issues. You never deserved to be harmed. They were too lazy or ignorant or in self-denial to fix their own issues. Every child/person should be loved and respected. Abusers are selfish and lack empathy. They blame and shame others and avoid fixing themselves. Please stop believing that there is something wrong with you or that you are not good enough. Erase those types of negative messages/false beliefs that your abusers instilled within your mind, so you can heal. Love yourself. Take care of yourself and your needs.
@@Pheonix1111 that just cant not be true . You WERE loved by someone, you just did not even allow that thought to yourself... Like I did not. But we know. NOW.. And we cant to Unknown iit back.. There is a reason we had to have this experience on this planet... so heal heal heal. myself myself love yourself, love is the only way like ur nickname already implies )
Every single time I watch a Tim Fletcher video I think he's speaking directly to me. Startling.
Same, it's crazy it is always speaking to me too!❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
I feel absolutely the same how is this possible? amazing
I feel similarly. Very relatable
I was wanted as a boy. My room was made blue. My mothers difficult birth was blamed on my being a female child. When I was 17 my parents moved out of our home and left me there.
I know that sounds like “oh poor you, you had a place to live” but I was never wanted. I was a burden and irritating to my parents. I’ve never felt like I belonged on this planet. I felt/feel like not even God could love me and I didn’t know why I always felt like that.
But I had my parents and $ so my mind never allowed me to feel the weight of being unwanted. Ouch that explains some things.
Where did they go? I understand the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Its horribly lonely
@@KiKi-te9yd they moved to a different place that they were wanting to go to when “the kids were grown” lol
@@mkayokay3192I am sorry that happened to you. Just want to let you know that God does love you - when you have a free moment, will you please read Psalm 27:10? I think you will be pleasantly surprised!
@@mkayokay3192 omg. That's atrocious, 17 is so young to be abandoned like that. Hugs x
@@KiKi-te9yd thank you. I see that now. At the time I thought I was grown 🥲 ❤️
I was born to very dysfunctional psrents. My mother hated me . I was told by her twin sister at 35 years that she actively discouraged and shamed me.
Im 71 and I've tried feeling better my whole life. Its finally working!
This is me! Fortunately, I have always had a deep faith. Healing is ongoing but in my late 60s into my 70s, I have achieved peace. The scars are still there…I am disconnected from people in general and live life as a hermit. my interactions with others are mainly superficial. However, I’m actually very happy to be able to spend my time deepening my prayer life and my relationship with God. I do recognise that this probably wouldn’t work for anyone else but it certainly does for me. God bless all of you resonating with this talk and may you all find your own peace and healing.
Healing can look like different things to different people. It does not always have to be becoming socially active. If you feel happy, what can be better?
The burden thing hit hard.
Need to speak on how we wind up with narcissistic men/women in relationships and abused more………
I have had any friends since i was 28 and im now 51 and i am a through and through loner. My peace and love is with nature and animals. I am awkward in other peoples eyes but im ok with that now. Its a long journey when youve never been understood nor being loved.
Everything I read here resonates. I was unwanted as a child and told so. But I love my daughter so very much. I didn’t choose to love her, I just did for no one reason. Same with my parents, they didn’t choose to hate me, they just did - for many reasons. ;)
I was unwanted and abused. I still bear the scars on my body of the abuse.
Now, add to that of being adopted and being told constantly that I am not part of the family. My mother wanted me but not my dad's side of the family. I had adopted brothers and a sister but they had families. My dad's family never came over. My mother has no family. My dad's sister disliked me and made it a point to tell me that I wasn't part of the family. She would come over, and take my brothers and sister out for ice cream and they'd come back with toys. At Christmas, my dad's sister brought us gifts. They all received nice gifts. But as for me, she brought me baby toys. I kid you not!! My parents did nothing to stop this behavior. After my mother passed, my dad's sister laid into me and told me how she really felt. "I didn't want them to adopt you, but your mother wouldn't listen. She had to have you. You are a failure and bring nothing but shame to the family.
You're nothing but a whore!" Wow! Okay. I passed on to my dad what she had said, and his response was troubling. "What do you want me to do? She's my sister."
After that I left, and I never came back. Being adopted was taboo growing up. I didn't belong to any group or never had a culture. I did ask God why he created me. Many years down the road, disastrous relationships, I was in church one day, and the second reading was from St. Paul. It was about adopted children of God. I could relate to that. Being adopted, and knowing my mom loved me, helped me realize how much I was loved by God. God created me because he loves me. That was good enough for me. Forget about what others think or say. 🎉
This is ME, 100%!! My mother even attempted to dump me off at the local Children's Home when I was about 7, I remember it so clearly; I was absolutely terrified of being taken away from my other 3 brothers and forced into another, new family. She BEGGED them to take me because she just couldn't stand me, I mean, she said it, I heard her say it....and much more. It caused me a lot of trouble in life, but now that she's 2 years dead, I'm healing.
Was born in a workhouse in the 60's for unmarried mothers. I wasn't wanted and was given up for adoption immediately. I've always been mentally ill. In and out of psychiatric hospitals, suicidal ideation and not fitting in anywhere. I've never known love and never known how to bond with anyone. I've spent my whole life a loner, a black sheep in constant emotional pain.
I am so sorry 💕
I am so sorry you have been so traumatized. Attend a church? Sit with dogs in a shelter?
I pray for you
I was unwanted...my mum didn't want me...but my dad wouldn't let her get an abortion. She never liked me and treated me differently to my siblings...and I was a female... another negative...to bring an unwanted child into this world...is cruel and sadistic...
No, the treatment is cruel, but not as cruel as murder. Your father was right and you have the choice to be who you are and love yourself and have a life of your own.
@@Parakeetfriend4215 obviously you haven't experienced a cruel world... until then....you won't understand it..
@@Parakeetfriend4215 Abortion is not murder. Please try to use your brain. Until the breath of life, a person doesn't exist. Abortion is the answer!
The problem here is "my dad wouldn't let her-". What? He never went to sleep or to work? She couldn't leave the house for one day to have an abortion? Was he her boss? Her father? Her ruler? Why was it up to him?
@@Ojhfdxhhgg if it is to any consolation I understand what it means to live in an unfair cruel world, mean for sports.
Apparently my mom was stooped by a religious Sikh woman to not abort me,because it is a sin
I got very upset at 12 years old, I was doing a paper on my birth and origins and my childhood, she told me she was going to abort me and just laughed about it when I got upset and said you are here now, so no harm done.
On the contrary I've always felt unwanted and that I was on my own, I took care of my own needs.
My father was a very sick cheating cruel man.
My mother didn't want me because she didn't get any help at all with taking care of the children or taking care of the family.
He treated my mother as if she was his mother and went out to dance clubs to fornicate with other women every night.
So I can see why she wanted to abort me.
Thry also only wanted sons, that is why they tried and tried and piked up on children to get sons, but it was only girls coming and 1 boy
That boy was being immasculated by my father and his petname was "the faggot"
So I don't know why he wanted to only have sons if it was to beat him and call him degrading names.
Maybe there are reasons why they didn't want to drag us here.
I for sure did not want to be here.
I of the 5 siblings, was the only one that failed miserably at life.
Because my mother had a bond with them.
With me, like I said I had to take care of myself and my own needs. And I nevermore any sound or asked of anything, I tried to be an u demanding g child, so I didn't ask them for much or bother them
OMG... this filled in so many gaps for me. I could never put my finger on why I could never absorb love and was always so detached from my own feelings. All of my relationships I would always look for a reason to break up or sabotage them. I sabotaged my career jobs, everything with no understanding of why I always felt so undeserving of love and attention. Thank you so much!
I was a honeymoon accident. My mother loathed the idea of pregnancy so much that she completely denied I existed until I was kicking her insides. I never was able to view having a child of my own as anything other than an intolerable burden. I don't blame my mother for being immature - and probably not really loving my father - but I DO blame her for telling me all about it! I wrote myself off by the age of 11 and it has taken me a lifetime to adjust to being a half social animal.
Break the cycle. Having my own kids has helped me on my healing journey. It will trigger a lot of things though so you’ll have to be ready to work on stuff that comes up.
The one thing I can say about having kids is that I absolutely do NOT understand my parents whatsoever. My husband feels the same way about his parents and my godsister has said the same thing. We all think our parents were crazy weirdos. Children are an absolute joy and blessing.
You are a blessing in this world too. Don’t let your mom tell you otherwise.
@@francestaylor9156 Thank you for your sweet reply. Children are indeed a delight.
I've written myself off too. I don't feel human or ok or accepted. School was a nightmare too.
@@simplypositiveme School? - I once wrote a story in which school was equated to the penal system! The best therapy, apart from a decent psychologist, is to take on challenges. Begin as small as necessary, and that way kick-start self assurance. Best wishes!
@@rosemaryallen2128I meant school when I was kid.
I relate to the message in this video. I was not wanted or loved by my father. I don't know what a father's love feels like. My mother did her best to give me love but she ignored my father's abuse so I wonder how much love she actually had for me. Throughout my life I settled for crumbs. I'm now 67. The neglect I experienced taught me to be fearless, principled and walk my own path. I have courage to be this way because I know no one will ever care about me or miss me when I die so I might as well live life on my own terms. I live alone with my animals on a beautiful country property and I'm content.
Im a 64 year old adoptee who found my maternal birth family, and through Ancestry, found the real history, which makes his whole theory true beyond anything I could ever hope to make sense of the constant dread I’ve always felt.
I was adopted, my birth mom was adopted, and her birthmom was also adopted! The generational shame has been devastating for decades until my therapist brought this concept to my attention. It made total sense and gave me the determination to end the shame with me.🎉
Wow...just smh. Coming from a family that swept everything under the rug thinking it would protect me, I had to learn Emotional Intelligence the brutally hard way. I survived because the Most High wants me to and continually aligns my thoughts & actions exactly where they should be. I am grateful 💫
Amen 🙏🏼
Ok, so I never knew my real father until 23and me when a 1/2 brother popped up. I've always wondered about my father...and then I'm reminded each and every day that I have a Father that is far better than any earthly father can ever be! So I think that makes us sisters? Our Father in Heaven has been there each and every day; through good and bad; and he still loves us so much more than we deserve! I think it's the one thing that has really kept me going over the years!!
I journalled the other day " comfort is the silent killer" it is so not the addictions , it's Trauma !
My mother got pregnant with me by someone else a month before she married another guy. She tried to pass me off as his but I think everyone knew, or found out. I knew by high school that it would be impossible for that guy (who was out of the picture for good by the time I was six years old) to be my biological father. My mother would never admit it and I asked her repeatedly. Now the DNA results are in and she can’t deny it any more. But she made it clear throughout my childhood years that I had ruined her life. That’s what she said, “You ruined my life”. She said she would have gone to medical school if she hadn’t gotten pregnant with me. This came with an unspoken agreement that I would be a good girl and not cause any further damage to her and that I would work hard to make it up to her. Long story short, I’m a bastard and and I was not, and never have been wanted by my mother. Deep, deep shame. :)
Not fair on you. Bet she wouldn't have got into medicine anyway.
@@julianskinner3697 No, but she did become well educated. I moved across country at 19 and I’ve had a very good and happy life. I was very lucky in that my grandmother loved and cherished and nurtured me. It made all the difference.
My mother had me at 16 and hurt me more than I can convey. No drugs, no drinking. Just coldness, contempt, neglect, delight in my suffering, and obvious preference for others. I'd say she passed the torch to my ex, but they worked in tandem, really. Since first grade, I've walked hand-in-hand with suicidal ideation. I never belonged in the family, though at first I thought I did. Imagine my embarrassment. Thank God for a lifetime of jobs where I was valued. Thank God for my friends.
“I was a mistake”
I was told that through my entire childhood and the dynamics continue to this day
Same here! 😢
@@CookieMonsta191 ❤🩹 I'm so sorry. It was and maybe is something I still struggle with, no sense of belonging but instead a constant need to prove worthy of living today. I have a counselor who is amazing and works with IFS (Internal Family Systems) that seems built to help people with severe trauma. Highly recommend, any Google will bring you to Tori Olds or Richard Schwartz himself.
But you aren't❤
Otherwise you wouldn't be here :)
I had an aquantaince, her husband and her had been trying to get sons from the get go, they have I think 6 daughters now.
I think it was a lesson from God to show them that women and daughters are a blessing and of great value.
And since they did not see the value of daughters and women, that was what they only got, to be taught a lesson that being a woman is not less than. You should be happy that the child is healthy.
They were not mistakes, nor were you and I.
Maybe it was to teach our parents a lesson and to humiliate them and humble them. That it is not ppl who decide who is meant to be here, but it is God who decides who is meant to be here and you can't do anything about it to stop it if it's meant to be.
I was conceived during a divorce. My mother said she really wanted an abortion but she was evangelical so she didn't do it. She spent the rest of my childhood leaving me with family members months on end and refusing to be affectionate. It's a hurtful double standard because she was loving to my siblings. Thanks for the video highlighting and validating the pain of being unwanted. I recommend many other risks you mentioned in her. And I definitely relate to a lot of those behaviors in me.
This is why I abhor the evangelical need to dictate that there should be no abortions. I agree in sentiment that there should be no unwanted babies, but in practice humans are full of sin. Adoptee here.
I've been on that journey for quite a while, discovering the lies I believed as truth, and replacing them with what God says about me, how He values, sees, and bestows dignity upon me as His child. It has taken years to get here, but the difficult road to discovery, and peeling back layers of lies, worth it. Jesus said," You shall know the truth, and the truth will make you free." It is a process. We can only go as fast as we can absorb and accept a different reality, but it is possible to know how to be comfortable in my own skin, to receive love, and to form healthy boundaries. God is faithful to heal the broken hearted. It is what He came to do. Trusting Him to bring me all the way through to healthy self identity. I am now 75. Better late than never! God's peace on anyone feeling broken; He is able and eager to heal.
at 75 yrs. old i 1st began to have "true" feelings from.a lifetime ago. At 79, the gut wrenching feelings have surfaced. I have not allowed myself to heal. I believe i am beginning that journey now...at almost 80.
My mom told me my whole life she wish she didn't have kids.
With all fairness my grandparents didn't want the kids they had either so my mom was unwanted too.
It is a generational cycle that causes much harm.
just goes on and on and on
My sister says all the time in front of her children that she wish she never had kids or married, how they all ruined her life and she would have been very successful without them.
My nephews always keep an ear out and listens to all our conversations.
He always starts to shout and cry over the part that he is unwanted and how he ruins her life.
She only laughs about it.
I've always told her, me being an unwanted , unseen and unheard child, that it will stay with them the rest of your life if you do not say you are sorry and is wrong.
She doesn't have any feelings or show affection to others.
Yet and still her children adores her and kisses the ground she walks on....always found it strange how people always appreciate tyrants, bullies and unemotional unavailable ppl than kind and loving ppl like myself, who always gives to them and others and are met with nothing in return
I'm not giving anymore and give to myself
My mom told me I was lucky birth control pills weren't available a little earlier. I was 12 at the time. She still hates me, I'm 62 and she is 82. I have 2 "step" kids, they were 5&7 when I married their mom. I have always told them that I choose them. They are now in their thirties, I have 2 fantastic grand kids I see 4 to 5 times a week, and we are still married. The cycle can and should stop.
@UniqueGeekFreak people want what they cannot have. The core foundation is if I try harder enough, if I am really good they will love me. It is so sad what your sister is doing to her son. It will and has harmed him on a foundational level.
@@Rich-eg6qb it is your mother's loss and wound. It has nothing to do with your worth. You are a wonderful human being. You have broken your cycle with your stepchildren and grandchildren. It makes me so happy to hear of this beautiful family you have in your life. ❤
When I was 10 years old, my mom was yelling at me for something I said to another kid and she overheard. I didn't know that it was bad and I didn't mean anything by it. After she had yelled at me for quite a while, she concluded with, "If you weren't MY OWN KID, I would HATE YOU!".
My sister gave away two daughters. Years later, after being married with two children she sought out both girls. Naturally both girls were thrilled to have her in their lives. One told me it was her daily dream. Five years later my sister decided one of these young women was too needy. She abandoned her again. She's bad-mouthed her to all of her family. I try and keep my hand extended to her. I tell her i always wanted a daughter. I let her know she is lovable. My sister avoids me like the plague.
I was wanted by my mother but not by my father. I discovered this 10 years ago and my father's coldness & indifference towards me all those years suddenly made sense.
Did you ever find out why he didn't want you?
@elenatramsti5176 He didn't want another kid, but my mum intentionally conceived regardless. Objectively, what my mum did was wrong. However, I shouldn't have had to suffer for it as I didn't choose to be here.
I was unwanted because I came with so many undiagnosed health issues. I was not the experience they were expecting nor wanted. Just learning how deeply that early rejection has impacted me. My parents and grandparents weren’t anything more than strangers to me. This list describes me to a t.
I hear you. So sorry you had to endure this. Hugs from Norway.
Tim, you truly are God-sent. Bless you and please keep adding more content for those of us who continually struggling🙏
Would you consider with me, letting go of the struggle and swim upstream? I don't want to struggle anymore. 🥰
This is what adoptees deal with and we’re told to feel grateful all the time. I believe I felt the pain in utero. And it has affected my entire life. 😢
So, I was always depressed on my birthday. Finally, when I became a Christian and had a time of freedom and deliverance prayer, I saw a black X over the womb of my mother while she was carrying me. The Lord revealed I was not wanted and that there were word curses spoken over me. He led me breaking that off and in understanding that HE sent me with a purpose in the very day HE chose and gave my mom the name I was called. I never felt anything but celebratory joy on my birthday from then on. I know my name, my birthdate, and my purpose are all determined by a loving God who chose to create and send me with a mission. I was always loved once born, but the season I was conceived in was difficult for her.
Freedom Factor by Bruce Wilkinson is life changing .
God bless❤
Your posting is the truest truth .... only after I gave my "unwanted existence" to Christ did my life change ..... to KNOW and to EXPERIENCE THE LOVE OF CHRIST IS DEVINE ... THIS MAN JESUS is all about love for sure .... I am blessed beyond belief ... in every possible way one can think of .... JESUS IS THE REAL DEAL ..all those "Famiy members" who hated me all my life ... he took them OUT of my life =THEY ARE ALL DEAD ... and me .... I've been at peace eversince ... PRAISE JESUS who is MY prince of peace, love and content .... thank you for reading ....
I do hate it when someone presents a heavy, sad problem without offering solutions
On the positive side you know what the cause of the problem is and can start working on your healing.
To what in your life or the life of a loved one would you like a solution for? Many of us here are peers. We can share if it's something we've conquered.
Forgive me if I'm making an assumption that you're asking for yourself.
~respectfully dle
Sometimes you can't solve things, the best you can do is see a rational explanation.
@@skylinefever I’m not gonna indulge your hopelessness. I’m looking for a solution. There are solutions for this. I’m sorry you’re feeling hopeless.
You have to realize that nearly everything on YT is a come-on to get you buy something. That's just the way it is.
OMG
I was too disciplined to be drawn completely into self-pity, but everything else...
"Sorry for being a burden" - it became like a life principle!
I'm curious if you don't mind me asking, do you mean disciplined or abused? Because I think I didn't have actual life training as a kid and that made me wallow in self pity because I spent a lot of time by myself doing nothing 😮
I understood so late I was an unwanted child... it took me to become an adult and go to therapy to get some help in putting things to places. My mum got pregnant 11 months after giving birth to my brother. And I was an other boy not the baby girl my dad wanted. And my parents were poor. I never thought the complete lack of investment they had in me was their way of processing my birth.
Sorry you had to go through that.
I connect with everything you say, thanks🌻 im retired now. My mother told me many times when i was a child that she never wanted me. My immediate response (as well as being shocked) was, 'well im here so get over it' . She sent a message to me via my older sister that she didnt want me to go to her funeral!! I said to my sister 'tell her ive booked the front seat, and im singing!'
Id love to know why she was so bitter toward me, i wish i knew if i had done something wrong😪
My folks didn’t want me… as I have gotten older, I have come to realize that my folks were so young and had me so young, I was blamed for hardships of their marriage. I wasn’t wanted. Both my parents really didn’t get me any attention and I was yelled at a lot.
I always got good grades in school, I was good at sports. As a teen I never partied or drank/did drugs. At Christmas when I was 17 my father got me boxes and luggage and said when i graduated hs. I was to leave… it’s been crazy how I was treated and still get treated by my parents. I’m now 52 years old and still get treated like I’m not wanted. So I don’t really speak to them much.
Wow! My parents were bad, but not that bad.
Yep, I was the unwanted child. My mother definitely did not want another child as I was 10 years younger than my closest sibling (it was pretty obvious) and she just seemed indifferent towards me unless she needed me for something. While I came to terms with that, I will say that because I did not feel the love or felt like I had been nurtured enough, I decided against having children because I didn't want to pass those awful feelings onto another human being. It really stinks having that nagging feeling of never being good enough.
Damn! You just described my entire life in 18 minutes!
Me too
My mother was not an evil or heartless person, but when I was about 14 she casually told me that I was a big mistake. They only wanted my 2 older brothers but her birth control failed. Never tell a kid that, even if it's true. I always felt it, but hearing it was devastating. She also told me that I had "failure to thrive" after I saw a baby photo of me looking thin and unhappy. I wasn't sick, and eventually grew chubby. Then in nursing school, we were taught that infant failure to thrive (without disease) was caused by the mother, who often was unaware. It made sense. I have always felt like a burden, disappointment, or invisible. Invisible is better for me. So much of this lecture is painfully familiar. I love my children so much I just can't imagine not wanting them.
You validated the reason I haven’t been able to keep a job. It would start off beautifully, everyone loved me, but I didn’t know what to do with that acceptance and I created a situation over and over and over, with every child I got. It wasn’t until I saw the same mindset in my sister and her work history that it suddenly dawned on me what was happening. Thank you.
*job (not child)
Thank you for this video. Parental abandonment does cause life-long issues, even with therapy. My heart goes out to every person who feels this and who go through other types of trauma. When I was a child, I would ask my mother "Do you love me?" several times a week. This was throughout my childhood and into my teen years. She would say "yes" but I couldn't believe her. My older half sister told our mother "Just tell her no for a change, maybe she'll stop". So that's in my head. I have been through therapy but there are some things that change you and there's no going back. I made sure my children know I love them.
Using a affirmation like "this is a old trigger, I'm safe now" can help. But really I'm learning (with help) you can heal. Almost just having awareness is healing as the first step. It really is about getting into relationships and being open to that gnawing, almost unbearable thought "omg i'm not wanted, once they find out how bad I am they'll leave". It can likely only be completed in a safe relationship. Because until you have that other experience (ive had a few safe moments with trusted women) it then shows you what you missed and what's out there for you. and also, you have to unlearn that unsafe people are likely thoe ones that felt safe growing up. They had an answer for everything, and everyone was to blame. Now you realize the safe ones say "eh, I dunno" or "aww I love that" or they pick people up. That feels very foreign, I used to always have a problem just saying "life is positive, everything will be alright" for a few years. I was so used to chaos and confusion that to hold onto for days, weeks, months that I could be happy was wrong. Because my mom couldn't, and I was trauma bonded to her, for fear of rejection and abandonment. While it was healthy, it was attachment, and it was what I knew of love. But now, I realize it was conditional. Real love is unconditional, and understand we're all different people and we get to choose our tribes. Doesn't mean use people to get ahead, that's actually not how people get rich. It's by leveraging, giving, and treating them equally. Don't just text them when you have a few mins, or need something. Check in because it's fun to learn, to talk, to meet others. We were raised to feel so alone but when you think hard, we're so not.
I was an unwanted child by a narcissist mother and a weak father who was very much influenced by her. I was a miracle baby and a fluke conception as her gynaecologist told her when I was nine. As she had to have a full hysterectomy. It took her a few years to conceive with me. I’am the only child but the big mistake I was born the wrong sex she wanted a boy not a girl . She made that clear and known throughout her life. Even at the age of five I dropped something on the floor at the kitchen table by accident. Where she was enraged by it and blurted out with they gave me the after birth when they gave me you and threw the baby away in the abortion bucket. I’am 55 and single now and have been in a multitude of relationships with narcissistic men. Nothing ever long lasting. I have always felt alone in this world. Not helped on by not having any siblings. Everything you have said is correct in how I have gone along throughout life. But it’s that deep rooted in me now I find it virtually impossible to change my way of thinking. As I have carried it throughout my childhood and all my adult life. I call it my rigid thinking.
Young man, I am truly on that journey of healing and wholeness glory be to God. You have just described many elements of my past and possibly an areas present life.
I salute you sir, and I thank God for the anointing that is on your life to share this information so that others can see themselves in it, or their loved ones and get the help they so deserve and need.
This video really spoke to me in a way that not many have ever. I am well versed in trauma but the focus on being the unwanted child was just so pertinent to my story and just made so much personal sense to me. Thanks.
In recent years ive started working with my limbic system and being the parent i always needed...its a work in progress but very rewarding in so many ways❤