I see a lot of people, men in particular, invoking stoicism as a way to be like "Aha! Reason over emotion" and it is such a fundamental misunderstanding of stoicism. It is really more like a mindfulness practice than "I don't feel emotion" practice. Stoics generally recognize there is the involuntary reaction (the emotion) and then this is followed by acceptance (which is difficult to do if you reject emotional reaction all together) and examination (which is difficult if you don't accept your emotions). Stoic practices even invoke challenging emotions, such as grief, purposely so that the stoic can examine them through things like negative visualization where they imagine their life without something or someone to see how that affects them. This is in order to cultivate gratitude, acceptance, and appreciation. It is also to expose your self in small increments to emotion so that you can train the acceptance and examination parts of stoicism. A really great book for anyone interested in stoicism is called a Guide to the Good Life by William Braxton Irvine (the subtitle of which is The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, another emotion)
Another phenomenal read is "How to think like a Roman Emperor: The Stoic Teachings of Marcus Aurelius by Donald Robertson.. great comment and recommendations 💯
Thank you so much for this. As someone who is autistic, people often think that we don't feel emotion and empathy at all which isn't true, and as you mentioned, western culture doesn't really teach men the language to be able to express those feelings which can be doubly frustrating at times. It's like you're not only speaking a different language to everyone else, but like you're talking to people who have no language of their own to translate to. Content like this is super valuable in helping people talk and listen without judgment.
I appreciate that a lot. I do have my anger and my sarcasm and my defensiveness, but this has all been a good practice in seeing them and letting them go.
I'm afab, but because of my awful childhood, I have to practice emotional awareness like a man, and it's not always easy. Idk who needs to see this, but you're not alone with trying to connect with your emotions. If you have a hard time with it, just describe your feelings with a metaphor, and then make a conclusion about the metaphor. Everyone will think you're super intelligent and poetic, even if they know you struggle. (Example: I feel like... a house that's been abandoned. Black mold started to grow inside, nobody wanted to fix it, the family living there left a long time ago, and now it's just rotting, and not even cockroaches want to live there. I guess I'm sad and lonely)
im not a man but i find your videos so insightful and beneficial & i honestly feel like im becoming a better feminist because of your work. thanks for that!
I literally just had a conversation with a man about mansplaining which he claimed was something all genders do to eachother, and he told me that I was being emotional and not logical. Yet everything I said had actual backing, and everything he said was hearsay at best misogyny at worst. His entire argument was about how irritating I was.
It’s hard enough when someone isn’t checking their own emotions, having them speculate about and dismiss you on yours adds another layer of frustration, for sure. I’m sorry you were dealing with that.
I’ve been crying for the past 2 weeks after years of keeping it bottled up, on a physical level it’s crazy, it feels like my body has been suffering from a deficiency. I never thought of myself as a person defined by their masculinity, but when I realized how much I had damaged and isolated myself to save face, it clearly still has a hold over me.
This whole thing has taken up so much real estate in my head for so long now. The part I so needed to hear today was the "take a breath" and then ask where the bad confrontational noise came from... I have a real problem doing that in the moment
Did anyone else experience falling into these toxically masculine ways of thinking and experiencing emotions before coming out. I fell hard into it when I was very much still a closeted guy in high school. I am only now starting to try and actually feel my feelings now that I’ve come out as transmasc and discovered I was autistic
I used to say that men tend to separate emotions and logic, so that when they are emotional, they are entirely emotional without the ability to apply logic to their emotions. And this is why they tend to go to such extremes. Whereas for women, the two are more integrated. This is a much more nuanced discussion about that.
Oh man, the mansplaining part hit me as hard as anything. I'm a dude in a "leadership" position in a predominantly female work environment. This is such a double-edged sword. I'm regularly expected to have the answers and give marching orders (which is super-uncomfortable)-and almost as regularly judged for offering it at times that aren't "perfect." It can be a moving target. I know I'm not a "victim" here, but the pressure to both be and not be *that* guy sucks. Thanks for another thought-provoking take, Finn.
I'm not sure if it might help because my social skills are those of a muddy rock added to those of a Minecraft gremlin sowing chaos, but in fandom we kind of ask "can I offer a suggestion?" before giving critique if someone isn't explicitly open or closed to it. It's weird and I don't know why it diffuses conflict, but usually when I ask that before telling people to do something they're more likely to listen, and when they don't they'll decline the suggestion instead of going off at me. Would that be possible for you to implement at your work? I wish I could give more useful things to try but that's about all that's in my toolset in conflict prevention.
My Dad grew up in family of "boys don't cry" and it shaped how he interact with us (daughters). He joined the military and now I'm an adult I understand why he always seem so distant with us. Because of his upbringing and job in the military, he told me he couldn't complain, everything has a solutions and emotions were seen as a weakness. I mean in combat you probably can't express your emotions freely. The only time he cried was when my mom passed away. Men have feelings but I think it's just difficult to express it and engage emotionally with others. Because how men are socialized... I appreciate his honesty about why he become emotionally unavailable father. It's not ideal but he's learning to listen..he's a hardworking man and great provider for the family
@@soyborne.bornmadeandundone1342 Indeed. Capitalism isn’t the only factor but is one of the biggest. Channels like these can be helpful, but we should always be searching for a firmer and closer support system.
I’ve been working on my emotions for the last couple of years and the more I’ve been doing that the more I’ve both been able to be rational and more empathetic. I wish my family had taught me this and not a therapist.
This is a great video, as usual. I was in group therapy for a while and a lot of the men in the group had a hard time identifying what they were feeling. They _thought_ they were explaining how they felt, but they would always tell you what they were thinking instead. The group leader would ask them to narrow the feeling down to "happy, sad, angry, or afraid" which I thought was helpful. She said most feelings roughly fall into these categories, and for people who aren't used to identifying feelings, it's much easier to choose from four options rather than ask an open-ended question like, "What are you feeling?" I use these four groups with other people, too. I can't know what other people are feeling, but, if their reaction is strange to me, I sometimes try to identify if they're happy, sad, angry, or afraid, overall. A lot of men express anger, even when they're feeling sad or afraid (or even happy,) so, with a lot of these guys yelling about "facts and logic" and dismissing feelings as "bad," I usually sense fear underneath it. It's sometimes helpful to ask them, "What are you afraid will happen if what I'm saying is true?" (but not always. Sometimes they just want to tell me who I am and what I think, which is just frustrating.)
This was perfectly timed for me. I got into a bit of an argument with a friend of mine yesterday and we’re both feeling a lot, and both of us are pretty justified in our frustration with the other...it’s confusingly two sided, but this helped me slow down and keep remembering my urge to say “it’s all your fault” to him isn’t helping us
i watched this video twice in a row. as a trans man, i didn't think it would apply to me but i generally just enjoy your perspectives, and then you said "it makes it very hard to learn things when you're pressured to hide the fact that you don't already know them" and my head spun a full 360. called out. thank you for providing this perspective, and for all the work you do to reach out to other men. i'm going to be thinking about this for a while, and trying to be more mindful about how much space i'm leaving to be able to learn and to be wrong in my interactions with others.
As someone afab and leaning towards trans masculine, I see a lot of truth in this video. I distinctly remember this interaction I had with a cis guy where I got so frustrated that I resorted to being mean and just 'calling him out.' Over the years ive had to realize theres a lot more nuance beyond a binary 'us vs them' attitude and that the best way to do things is to be more vulnerable than defensive, especially when something has hurt you. Theres a lot of content out there that tries to sway people into focusing on being right rather than being open and ive had to learn a lot about myself and the people around me to see that thats not necessarily what a full life or full relationship with another person has to look like. Great content, will definitly be looking into more.
Thanks SO much for talking about this!! This is something I wish more folks understood. Ignoring (or being unaware) of your emotions does not make you logical. And you Always feel some type of emotion, due to how our brains literally pass everything through the emotional filters of the brain before it can even get to the part where we can 'reason' about things. The trick is to identify our emotions and go from there.
thank you very much! this one really made me think about my studies in (analytical) philosophy and how this whole academic tradition created this false dichotomy between reason and emotion. Kant for example wrote so many words to explain how adult white men could act just from reason without considering their emotions. Pretty wild and really makes me laugh now when I watch your vid but also staggering how willingly I believed in those narratives, which are so essential for patriarchy.
This video was what I needed today. I have been incredibly frustrated by people invoking "logic" when they are expressing their feelings on a topic, with yesterday including a particularly aggravating case of it and I think sometimes when I run into these people I do lose sight of how they got there. Thank you for talking about this, and the wonderful content of your channel in general!
I always find it really interesting when facts and feelings don't match. For example when we feel the world got more dangerous, but the facts tell us it didn't.
This is a great presentation of the situation. I have worked very hard to train myself out of the monkeybrain defense attack. Lately I've run into this problem not just with men, but especially with white feminists (not the same thing as feminists who are white, but the branch of feminism that leaves out greats like bell hooks and Audre Lorde, sometimes also known as girl-boss feminism). So toxic. My best tool has been the word curiosity. I work hard to remember that if I can engage the other person as a partner in a journey of curiosity, we're both likely to learn and grow. I try to keep the word curiosity as a touchstone. (I also have to be honest that I get a lot of mileage out of walking away from people who won't meet me in a place of curiosity and mutual respect.)
I hear you on white feminism--I've run into the very same thing (especially considering the overlap with TERFs.) I love the idea of focusing on curiosity, and I think you've described something really important there in being able to walk away. I hear a lot of folks say "meet people where they're at" and I agree with that, but it's also important to know to carry on without them when they refuse to budge from that place.
Thank you so much for this video! As someone who was raised with masculinity, your channel has been so important to me. Your voice on masculinity is the only time in my life I have had an interest in it! And that's no joke. I never actually cared about it until I found your channel. The days I know I have a trans identity, but still so much masculinity, and your thoughts are so valuable to me. Thank you, my gratitude is deep.
I always walk away from your videos feeling better than when I came into it. Your shirt makes you give off a lot of warmth. Good color choice for this discussion.
It's an eye-opener that you said the person asking about feelings should be in a place to be able to hear the answer. My brother is more in the "feels are no reals" camp, while I'm working on figuring out my feelings, and his attitude is sometimes very frustrating for me to experience, but now I realise that I'm also not always listening to what he's actually saying and not being gracious towards him. Which now I can work on. Thank you.
Your video was thoughtful and insightful as always. I found myself needing to examine my own emotional reaction to some of the things you said and suggested, which usually means there's learning happening.
Yo. I have pretty terrible response when angry. I have gotten good at not getting angry, but when I do I'm so upset that I usually can't think clearly, and I already have a very hard time explaining myself under normal circumstances and when I'm upset it gets N times harder. I end up talking in circles. And hurt others (sometimes they deserve it, but it's still not my intention to hurt them). I'm looking forward to your video on anger.
Oh my god I love this. I struggle when people say dumb stuff about emotions and being emotional vs. ReAsOn aNd LoGiC. Now I have words to fight back. Thanks. This feels extremely validating, I literally want to shout FINALLY from a top of a building
For quite a while, I had an emotion wheel as my desktop background. I had to change it in order to deal with screen burn on my main monitor. Also, I think alexithymia plays a big role regarding men not recognizing their emotions and confusing defensiveness and control for logic and reason.
YES. Alexithymia doesn't get the attention it needs in a lot of these conversations, I think it would clear up a lot of confusion and miscommunication if more people had a better understanding of it--or even just knew it existed.
@@FinntasticMrFox I learned about alexithymia from Dr. Alok Kanojia from HealthyGamerGG, among many other things. I find him to be a very good resource when it comes to a lot of issues involving the pathologies that men and boys suffer from, since men and boys seem to be at greater risk for video game addiction (his field of expertise).
A great approach to the vulnerability that men feel at admitting emotion. Calling it reason and logic doesn't make it so, and saying that reason and emotions are opposites is a fallacy at best, and a weapon at worst.
Coming from a conservative point of view here I don't personally agree with some of the stuff in the video but overall it's a good video and I totally agree on the main point
Thank you for creating the catalyst for these conversations to happen and the perspective you bring to them. As a cis man I have some questions about emotions that I'm hoping some trans people could help me with. Do you feel like your experience of emotions has changed post-transition? Does sadness or anger feel/land different now? Do the same stimuli sometimes elicit different emotions now? Are there places in the emotional landscape that you visit now but never knew existed or places that now feel foreign? I ask because I feel like not only are emotions themselves not feminine but that there are many emotions that are inherently masculine because they are only felt by people when they're filling masculine roles, like 'brother', 'father', etc and I have a secret hope that maybe talking about those emotions more may break down this silly idea that "emotions are for girls"
I identify as enby but it is hard to recognise the way I have been conditioned growing up AMAB, and recognising the defensive nature of my approach to discussions particularly with my parents. this vid helped me recognise the defensive and distrustful nature that I approach conversations with my parents and I really appreciate that. Thank you
I was just complaining (to myself, in my head) about how long it took me to start finding thoughtful and empathetic, but still challenging, content like this instead of the usual, polarizing takes. So here's a comment for the algorithm.
As a trans woman, when I was trying to perform masculinity, I didn't open up to other people about the depression I was feeling, and part of that was because I felt that I didn't want to bother other people with what I was going through, which I still did for a time after my egg cracked. My trans identity has allowed me to learn to be emotionally vulnerable and have emotional intimacy both because I'm not trying to perform masculinity and because transition and discussing trans experiences with other trans people requires one to open up about stuff one has kept hidden for a very long time.
Finn, your voice has gotten EVEN MORE calming since the last time you uploaded! If you keep this up, I'll end up ascending to Nirvana in a few months or so 😂 But the way you express your thoughts is just as clear, inspiring and nuanced as always! Tysm for the work you do 🥰 P.S - Pardon the possible excess of compliments, but your looks are giving me SOOOO much gender envy! 🤩 Do you have a complex hair care routine, or do you just wash and comb regularly as it grows? Again, sorry if this feels weird: I'm Autistic, so my sense of boundaries can get quite iffy when I'm excited about something.
0:40 Nah, it's not just western men in particular. Even in matriarchal societies we see this similar gender pattern. It's one of those cases where yes, males and females do have different emotional qualities and traits, but those differences are usually pushed to the extreme by gender norms. Old Chinese men, every generation, complain about how the succeeding generation of men is less manly. 1:10 Speaking as a former soldier, yes and no. As army structures of organization and the way's and why's we conduct conflict have evolved over the years with technology and cultural developments, the role of the "grunt" has changed as well. In very "brute force" (I'm trying to be as general as possible, brute force conflicts happen both in antiquity and in modern times) fights you actually do want your soldiers to be unemotional and not reacting to anything but the commander's orders. Close quarters, hand to hand combat, melee weapons, individual or small group size battles, are all extremely intense. There is gore and screaming and dying. We are empathetic creatures, we cannot help but react to those things. But when you want to win, reacting to those things gets in the way. It also means you're turning off the logical parts of your brain, which is why I'm being specific about brute force conflicts where strategy doesn't really come into play and it's more about taking the initiative, projecting. But as conflict and warfare have gotten more socially complicated, and as what each soldier needs to do even on an individual level gets more complicated, the more you need grunts who can think and feel. Yeah, the gist. 2:40 Mmm, I disagree here, you need to be pretty in tune with your emotions in order to be able to shut them down or box them up. It's the practice of doing so repeatedly, for every single emotion, when your whole identity is that, when it becomes a problem. 3:00 We never learn words in order to understand ourselves. We know what we feel. We learn words in order to tell about ourselves to other people. 3:10 We get "defensive" and try to shut down social interaction when we are stressed out because social interaction is stressful, much in the same way that drugs or neurodivergencey can cause light or noise sensitivity. When you're working out in the gym and you're lifting your max. Putting on a bit more, or a lot more weight, would be a bad idea because you know you can't handle it. Not attaching good or bad to things, you just know that your muscles can't do it. 3:15 Mmm, yes and no. While it is true that no one is ever truly entitled to attention, we are again empathetic creatures. It's why solitary isolation has such devastating effects on a person's psychology. A bit like how an animal at the groomer's will complain and put up a fight, but will ultimately tolerate it until a point, and then they give out an "I'm upset" yell that transcends language and species barriers. When it's beyond individual or personal feelings or actions and it's your literal brain or whatever starting to feel pain. When it's like, serious. So while no one is ever truly entitled to attention, there are definitely times when someone really does just need a hug or whatever, no questions asked, and it really, really hurts to be pushed away in those moments. 3:20 Your descriptions of sad and angry don't make sense to me. When we're sad we're allowing ourselves to feel social pain. When gender and self image come into play. It's not that if there are no people around there's no reason to cry, we can still compare our past selves to our current selves and feel something about that difference. Anger is the same thing but the opposite, when we're actively projecting our image onto the world. Placing blame is a method of doing that, it puts pressure on other people. But no, an angry person is still quite capable of being understanding, and in fact sometimes will intentionally do so in order to find avenues of manipulation. "Yeah, I'm gonna ruin their day. I'll be nice to them and figure out what they like, and then I'll twist it." 4:00 Mmm, I think I understand the general point you're trying to make, but I think this reduction of the argument is rather harmful, mostly for the points made in 2:40 4:30 Haha yes, one can never just completely shut off emotions, you can either repress them or ignore them, but the actual effects of doing those things and the reasons why we do them are a bit more complicated than "closing your eyes so you don't see the oncoming car." You cannot act separately from your emotions, but you can act quite differently from how you feel. 4:50 This ties back to what you said, "it makes men into good tools and good soldiers." Yes, when you teach someone to repress their emotions without context, it does make them extremely vulnerable to manipulation. They are a constant bundle of nerves seething beneath the skin, not because they feel things particularly strongly, or even that their life is particularly stressful or hostile, but when you are repressing every emotion, all the time, it builds up. 5:00 I'm here because you've impressed me with your ability to think, and because you're a transman and I don't often get to hear transmen's voices. Within the whole trans discussion and debate and hostilities transmen seem to get overshadowed by transwomen in every category. So basically, because I'm bored and you just work here. 6:00 HAHAHA HELLO KIN, I'm currently banned from reddit because I was asking some pointed questions about straight people, and a black army combat vet (confirmed and verified, for real) got so triggered that he unleashed a wall of racism against white people. I'm also stubborn as hell, we've gone back and forth a whole lot, and I've also said some really mean things to him in turn. But hmm, maybe I'm more aware than you, because it was my job, but my monkey brain doesn't feel like I'm fighting him. I've heard and seen so many stories of people being turned into monsters, or tools, or mindless beasts, and I cannot help but respond to it. When a person has been so broken down that the only thing they truly respond to anymore is pain, whether their own or in other people because they caused it. I've learned that you have to be someone's punching bag for a bit, endure their thunder and lighting, before they finally realize that they can stop being clenched up. Sometimes when you get hurt so badly or for so long you clench and forget how to relax. 7:00 Haha I've been using that analogy to describe mental health to people and it seems to work really well. And my point to you is to be wary of pride. One can be pro-social, one can be anti-social, how do we determine in each given moment and situation which one is "right?" I agree that the force is not currently in balance, that men's culture (hi I'm nonbinary but I lived as a straight man and was socialized as a boy like most male persons in this country) is skewed severely towards anti-socialness, because it's great for capitalism. But I've had healthy relationships with men. There's a fair amount of give and take, push and pushback. And within boundaries, it's a good thing. 7:40 This is kind of being "meta," and that's my point, but simply asking someone about their emotional state is kind of manipulative. Like, at default, no one is hiding anything, so why do you need to ask? Can you not see my face, my body language? Are my words and thoughts seemingly disconnected from my actions or feelings? This is anecdotal, but in my life, both in and out of the closet, particularly within male and straight circles but certainly not limited to, someone only ever asks about your feelings directly when they want to question them, and the majority of the time they don't want to question them with good intentions. Whatever else you're doing, someone asking about your emotions requires you to stop what you're doing, including thinking, and to look inwards. It can be quite disruptive. 11:15 HA! Despite my blunt words, that is something you and I share in common. Schadenfreude is a powerful feeling, and it makes me feel gross, even when the antagonist truly deserves it and you are fighting a "just" war. 12:50 Male rage is a myth. Sorry, but the whole entire thing is a myth. Whoever is bigger has more power to project. For example, female hyenas are rather physically bigger than male hyenas and display similar levels and patterns of aggression to human males. Since anger is your projection of your image or feelings onto the world, the "bigger" you are, the more you are able to project. We attach "manly or masculine" gender values to female persons who are big. Ugh, like how people thought Lousia from Encanto is trans and on T just because her voice is a little deep, because she got honking big neck muscles. That's just how voices work. And conversely, we have the sayings "never underestimate the small ones" because they've grown big personalities to compensate for their small statures because people pick on them for it, because it's simply easier to pick on someone who is smaller than you. Edit: Ok, it's not exactly a 'myth.' From a female perspective, it's a very real thing. In the same way that female "emotionality?" is a thing from a male perspective. You even said it yourself, that even accounting for calming down because you finally feel comfortable with yourself, your general mood and emotional output is 'lower.'
Incredible takes!! This is exactly what the world needs to hear right now, I just wish they were more receptive to it collectively. Thank you for the wonderful spearheading you have done on this platform, I know the ideas you express come from other people, but in the sense of you giving people a space in such a toxic environment to sit and be refreshed, thats real activism. You and a couple others are doing great work, its just dissapointing you all aren't getting the recognition you so deserve.
maybe this wasn't the point of the video but i guess ill comment on the part of asking someone how they are doing. i usually at least in person i take it as a generic greeting and also like someone asking about the weather, unless there is a storm they probably arnt that interested in the weather and they armt that interested in how im doing so usually give a generic positive answer but also in recent years ive used it as a chance to talk about the movie ive watched recently witch in this case was antman and the wasp quantumania, i guess i liked it and think its better than the reviews its getting but i wouldnt go out of my way to try to convince someone to see it who wasn't already panning on seeing it. but i was going to suggest a movie i would say that 80 for brady is the type of movie i would like to see more often 4 older ladys getting a chance to be the main stars and not just playing so and sos mother. but as for how im doing im doing both great and awful and ive already told you the main reasons why.
This is very fair. A lot of people do just ask how someone's doing in an off-hand way, and I guess it can be a little tricky to tell when someone is just going with the usual social script vs. sincerely asking.
These are just theories that someone has come up with that probably have some truth in them, but someone could come up with contradicting theories that are just as convincing. But I guess that is humanties in general.
In relation to the actionables section everything that comes up I think to myself but why? I'm sorry if this seems nihilistics/incel-ey, I'm not deliberetly trying to be sarcastic. I have been finding it really hard to 'want' to do something, and I am at a point I kind of want to give up on trying to be a good person. I feel like morals are lost on me and pragmatic reasons to develop emotional intelligence don't seem like a way of getting anywhere in life at the moment, so what else is there? I hope this makes sense, I tried to turn a rant into a question but I understand it's a bit ham-fisted attempt to soul search in these comments of all places.
That's a hard question to answer for someone else given that motivation is so personal. For me, the question of "why do good?" comes down to "why *not* do good?" If there's no point either way, might as well put good things out there. It's not really about morals, I don't think there's an external force at play necessarily--I mean, there's laws and social pressures, but it's not really about that for me. Connecting with others and seeing them happy makes me feel good. And even if it doesn't, do you feel good *not* doing it?
@@FinntasticMrFox Appreciate the response! Been dwelling on what those counter arguments would be within my context. I think when I realise what the consequences are of not doing something are, sometimes I realise it'd upset others which upsets me and that's got me going again. It's strange though I feel rarely ever the motivation starts with myself but can come to me consequentially.
Again a wannabe guy commenting on what makes a man sincerely do these people ever stop ridiculing the standards that brought us to this point the standards that won wars and built the world for us honest it's better to be a warrior in a garden than a Gardner in a war "Strong men create good times Good times create weak men Weak men create hard times Hard times create strong men" and as far as the whole feeling dynamic goes if you can't control your emotions like hell will you control your life.
It’s a shame you didn’t listen. You might have learned something. But regardless, it is fascinating to me that someone so deeply threatened by gentle words presumes to be an authority on what makes a man strong.
@@FinntasticMrFox who was threatened? Your points were not something i agree with besides my personal opinion towards masculinity is in simple words men should be dependable full stop any man who is dependable is someone who makes a good leader and an asset to society as well full stop
@@LAKNIGHT66 Sincere question: Do you not see how you showing up to call me "a wannabe guy" and then quoting G. Michael Hopf's perpetuation of the Fremen Mirage comes across? It's deeply insecure, inaccurate, and short-sighted, especially to anyone with an understanding of history. I'm also very doubtful that you actually watched the video, because it's specifically about the principles of stoicism--real stoicism, as in the school of stoic philosophy--but you seem to think it's about letting your emotions control you? Inability/refusal to engage with non-confrontational topics tends to come from a place of feeling threatened by them. Maybe you just set out looking to put someone else down, but you're not gonna get that here, my friend. I suggest asking yourself why you want it, instead, that's all this video is about.
you are allowed to have an ethnocentric and reductionist opinion of masculinity, though not sure why you would open with "wannabe guy"... where did he say he "wants" to adhere to your specific viewpoint? plus what they are talking about does not undermine the positive aspects of traditional masculinity or the contributions men have made in society. it is possible to acknowledge the positive qualities of traditional masculinity while also recognizing the harmful aspects of toxic masculinity and advocating for change
I see a lot of people, men in particular, invoking stoicism as a way to be like "Aha! Reason over emotion" and it is such a fundamental misunderstanding of stoicism. It is really more like a mindfulness practice than "I don't feel emotion" practice. Stoics generally recognize there is the involuntary reaction (the emotion) and then this is followed by acceptance (which is difficult to do if you reject emotional reaction all together) and examination (which is difficult if you don't accept your emotions). Stoic practices even invoke challenging emotions, such as grief, purposely so that the stoic can examine them through things like negative visualization where they imagine their life without something or someone to see how that affects them. This is in order to cultivate gratitude, acceptance, and appreciation. It is also to expose your self in small increments to emotion so that you can train the acceptance and examination parts of stoicism.
A really great book for anyone interested in stoicism is called a Guide to the Good Life by William Braxton Irvine (the subtitle of which is The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, another emotion)
Another phenomenal read is "How to think like a Roman Emperor: The Stoic Teachings of Marcus Aurelius by Donald Robertson.. great comment and recommendations 💯
@@curtissjamesd Thank you for the recommendation!!
"Try to prioritize understanding the other person" so much this. As always I appreciate your perspective 💜
Ayyy I know you! You're great!
Thank you so much for this. As someone who is autistic, people often think that we don't feel emotion and empathy at all which isn't true, and as you mentioned, western culture doesn't really teach men the language to be able to express those feelings which can be doubly frustrating at times. It's like you're not only speaking a different language to everyone else, but like you're talking to people who have no language of their own to translate to. Content like this is super valuable in helping people talk and listen without judgment.
Hello, fellow Autistic! I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said.
True rationality cannot exist without the recognition of and respect for feelings.
💯 ☝🏾
I gotta say you are one of the kindest and most genuinely compassionate guys on the internet and that is a wonderful thing
Kind of got that bodhisattva thing going on, doesn't he?
TH-cam is an interesting place to find something like this.
I appreciate that a lot. I do have my anger and my sarcasm and my defensiveness, but this has all been a good practice in seeing them and letting them go.
I'm afab, but because of my awful childhood, I have to practice emotional awareness like a man, and it's not always easy. Idk who needs to see this, but you're not alone with trying to connect with your emotions.
If you have a hard time with it, just describe your feelings with a metaphor, and then make a conclusion about the metaphor. Everyone will think you're super intelligent and poetic, even if they know you struggle.
(Example: I feel like... a house that's been abandoned. Black mold started to grow inside, nobody wanted to fix it, the family living there left a long time ago, and now it's just rotting, and not even cockroaches want to live there. I guess I'm sad and lonely)
This is a really clever way to contextualize and talk about emotions when you don't really know how to describe feelings directly, thank you for this.
im not a man but i find your videos so insightful and beneficial & i honestly feel like im becoming a better feminist because of your work. thanks for that!
I literally just had a conversation with a man about mansplaining which he claimed was something all genders do to eachother, and he told me that I was being emotional and not logical. Yet everything I said had actual backing, and everything he said was hearsay at best misogyny at worst. His entire argument was about how irritating I was.
It’s hard enough when someone isn’t checking their own emotions, having them speculate about and dismiss you on yours adds another layer of frustration, for sure. I’m sorry you were dealing with that.
I’ve been crying for the past 2 weeks after years of keeping it bottled up, on a physical level it’s crazy, it feels like my body has been suffering from a deficiency. I never thought of myself as a person defined by their masculinity, but when I realized how much I had damaged and isolated myself to save face, it clearly still has a hold over me.
I really hope you’re being kind to yourself while you work through this, my friend. Compassion toward yourself is so important.
@@FinntasticMrFox I love that phrase: "be kind to yourself"
Sending you all the love and kindness I have ❤ you are doing the hard important work here, and I’m so proud of you
This whole thing has taken up so much real estate in my head for so long now. The part I so needed to hear today was the "take a breath" and then ask where the bad confrontational noise came from... I have a real problem doing that in the moment
Did anyone else experience falling into these toxically masculine ways of thinking and experiencing emotions before coming out. I fell hard into it when I was very much still a closeted guy in high school. I am only now starting to try and actually feel my feelings now that I’ve come out as transmasc and discovered I was autistic
You are a failed man, controlled and manipulated by propaganda.
I used to say that men tend to separate emotions and logic, so that when they are emotional, they are entirely emotional without the ability to apply logic to their emotions. And this is why they tend to go to such extremes. Whereas for women, the two are more integrated.
This is a much more nuanced discussion about that.
logical processing doesn't happen in a vacuum. emotions in information too
Every thought we have is subjective.
@@timeneses And? by that logic it so is statement we make. current thoughts are based on previously collected/ internally processed Information.
@@timeneses False
Oh man, the mansplaining part hit me as hard as anything. I'm a dude in a "leadership" position in a predominantly female work environment. This is such a double-edged sword. I'm regularly expected to have the answers and give marching orders (which is super-uncomfortable)-and almost as regularly judged for offering it at times that aren't "perfect." It can be a moving target. I know I'm not a "victim" here, but the pressure to both be and not be *that* guy sucks. Thanks for another thought-provoking take, Finn.
double standards and stupidity
I'm not sure if it might help because my social skills are those of a muddy rock added to those of a Minecraft gremlin sowing chaos, but in fandom we kind of ask "can I offer a suggestion?" before giving critique if someone isn't explicitly open or closed to it. It's weird and I don't know why it diffuses conflict, but usually when I ask that before telling people to do something they're more likely to listen, and when they don't they'll decline the suggestion instead of going off at me.
Would that be possible for you to implement at your work? I wish I could give more useful things to try but that's about all that's in my toolset in conflict prevention.
My Dad grew up in family of "boys don't cry" and it shaped how he interact with us (daughters). He joined the military and now I'm an adult I understand why he always seem so distant with us. Because of his upbringing and job in the military, he told me he couldn't complain, everything has a solutions and emotions were seen as a weakness. I mean in combat you probably can't express your emotions freely. The only time he cried was when my mom passed away. Men have feelings but I think it's just difficult to express it and engage emotionally with others. Because how men are socialized... I appreciate his honesty about why he become emotionally unavailable father. It's not ideal but he's learning to listen..he's a hardworking man and great provider for the family
We have to stop and check ourselves even in moments of heighten emotions. And having friends who care also helps.
Problem is we live in capitalism and have next to no time to be with friends who care : (
But coming to channels like this? Helps a lot : )
@@soyborne.bornmadeandundone1342 Indeed. Capitalism isn’t the only factor but is one of the biggest. Channels like these can be helpful, but we should always be searching for a firmer and closer support system.
@@timeneses Well said! Lol i need to work less haha
I’ve been working on my emotions for the last couple of years and the more I’ve been doing that the more I’ve both been able to be rational and more empathetic. I wish my family had taught me this and not a therapist.
This is a great video, as usual. I was in group therapy for a while and a lot of the men in the group had a hard time identifying what they were feeling. They _thought_ they were explaining how they felt, but they would always tell you what they were thinking instead. The group leader would ask them to narrow the feeling down to "happy, sad, angry, or afraid" which I thought was helpful. She said most feelings roughly fall into these categories, and for people who aren't used to identifying feelings, it's much easier to choose from four options rather than ask an open-ended question like, "What are you feeling?"
I use these four groups with other people, too. I can't know what other people are feeling, but, if their reaction is strange to me, I sometimes try to identify if they're happy, sad, angry, or afraid, overall. A lot of men express anger, even when they're feeling sad or afraid (or even happy,) so, with a lot of these guys yelling about "facts and logic" and dismissing feelings as "bad," I usually sense fear underneath it. It's sometimes helpful to ask them, "What are you afraid will happen if what I'm saying is true?" (but not always. Sometimes they just want to tell me who I am and what I think, which is just frustrating.)
Great stuff, you've absolutely nailed it.
This was perfectly timed for me. I got into a bit of an argument with a friend of mine yesterday and we’re both feeling a lot, and both of us are pretty justified in our frustration with the other...it’s confusingly two sided, but this helped me slow down and keep remembering my urge to say “it’s all your fault” to him isn’t helping us
Conflict can be really tough, so I’m glad to know this has been helpful while you work through it. 💙
i watched this video twice in a row. as a trans man, i didn't think it would apply to me but i generally just enjoy your perspectives, and then you said "it makes it very hard to learn things when you're pressured to hide the fact that you don't already know them" and my head spun a full 360. called out. thank you for providing this perspective, and for all the work you do to reach out to other men. i'm going to be thinking about this for a while, and trying to be more mindful about how much space i'm leaving to be able to learn and to be wrong in my interactions with others.
Respectful, thoughtful, articulate, and unapologetic- deadly combo
As someone afab and leaning towards trans masculine, I see a lot of truth in this video. I distinctly remember this interaction I had with a cis guy where I got so frustrated that I resorted to being mean and just 'calling him out.' Over the years ive had to realize theres a lot more nuance beyond a binary 'us vs them' attitude and that the best way to do things is to be more vulnerable than defensive, especially when something has hurt you. Theres a lot of content out there that tries to sway people into focusing on being right rather than being open and ive had to learn a lot about myself and the people around me to see that thats not necessarily what a full life or full relationship with another person has to look like. Great content, will definitly be looking into more.
Thanks SO much for talking about this!! This is something I wish more folks understood. Ignoring (or being unaware) of your emotions does not make you logical. And you Always feel some type of emotion, due to how our brains literally pass everything through the emotional filters of the brain before it can even get to the part where we can 'reason' about things.
The trick is to identify our emotions and go from there.
Not true for everyone.
@@thoticcusprime9309 " not true for everyone"? You might aswell explain, bud. 😂
@@miss_chelles1338 Dont need to explain to NPC's, I'm not Einstein trying to sail a boat with no wind
@@thoticcusprime9309 now where's "calls people NPCs when asked to extrapolate" on my bingo card...
thank you very much! this one really made me think about my studies in (analytical) philosophy and how this whole academic tradition created this false dichotomy between reason and emotion. Kant for example wrote so many words to explain how adult white men could act just from reason without considering their emotions. Pretty wild and really makes me laugh now when I watch your vid but also staggering how willingly I believed in those narratives, which are so essential for patriarchy.
This video was what I needed today. I have been incredibly frustrated by people invoking "logic" when they are expressing their feelings on a topic, with yesterday including a particularly aggravating case of it and I think sometimes when I run into these people I do lose sight of how they got there. Thank you for talking about this, and the wonderful content of your channel in general!
Well said, Finn! looking forward to the collab project you're working on too!
I always find it really interesting when facts and feelings don't match.
For example when we feel the world got more dangerous, but the facts tell us it didn't.
This is a great presentation of the situation. I have worked very hard to train myself out of the monkeybrain defense attack. Lately I've run into this problem not just with men, but especially with white feminists (not the same thing as feminists who are white, but the branch of feminism that leaves out greats like bell hooks and Audre Lorde, sometimes also known as girl-boss feminism). So toxic.
My best tool has been the word curiosity. I work hard to remember that if I can engage the other person as a partner in a journey of curiosity, we're both likely to learn and grow. I try to keep the word curiosity as a touchstone. (I also have to be honest that I get a lot of mileage out of walking away from people who won't meet me in a place of curiosity and mutual respect.)
I hear you on white feminism--I've run into the very same thing (especially considering the overlap with TERFs.)
I love the idea of focusing on curiosity, and I think you've described something really important there in being able to walk away. I hear a lot of folks say "meet people where they're at" and I agree with that, but it's also important to know to carry on without them when they refuse to budge from that place.
feminism is toxic
Thank you so much for this video! As someone who was raised with masculinity, your channel has been so important to me. Your voice on masculinity is the only time in my life I have had an interest in it! And that's no joke. I never actually cared about it until I found your channel. The days I know I have a trans identity, but still so much masculinity, and your thoughts are so valuable to me. Thank you, my gratitude is deep.
I always walk away from your videos feeling better than when I came into it. Your shirt makes you give off a lot of warmth. Good color choice for this discussion.
Oof, this reminds me of myself in high school, when I was at my most toxic. Great video!
I appreciate you, Finn 💜
Likewise, my friend. 💙
I look forward to you covering the topic of anger. It's such a complicated issue, both on an individual and societal level.
Love your final thoughts. We all deserve to deserve kindness.
Well dang. Even as an AFAB, enby/female person... This is stuff I had to learn, and am still practicing.
I just- I just love you. In the- wow your so articulate on this and I’m really grateful. I hope today is kind to you
It's an eye-opener that you said the person asking about feelings should be in a place to be able to hear the answer. My brother is more in the "feels are no reals" camp, while I'm working on figuring out my feelings, and his attitude is sometimes very frustrating for me to experience, but now I realise that I'm also not always listening to what he's actually saying and not being gracious towards him. Which now I can work on. Thank you.
Your video was thoughtful and insightful as always. I found myself needing to examine my own emotional reaction to some of the things you said and suggested, which usually means there's learning happening.
Holy shit.... I'm just finding this channel, and I love this.
Yo. I have pretty terrible response when angry. I have gotten good at not getting angry, but when I do I'm so upset that I usually can't think clearly, and I already have a very hard time explaining myself under normal circumstances and when I'm upset it gets N times harder. I end up talking in circles. And hurt others (sometimes they deserve it, but it's still not my intention to hurt them). I'm looking forward to your video on anger.
Another W give this man the belt
Oh my god I love this. I struggle when people say dumb stuff about emotions and being emotional vs. ReAsOn aNd LoGiC. Now I have words to fight back. Thanks. This feels extremely validating, I literally want to shout FINALLY from a top of a building
For quite a while, I had an emotion wheel as my desktop background. I had to change it in order to deal with screen burn on my main monitor.
Also, I think alexithymia plays a big role regarding men not recognizing their emotions and confusing defensiveness and control for logic and reason.
YES. Alexithymia doesn't get the attention it needs in a lot of these conversations, I think it would clear up a lot of confusion and miscommunication if more people had a better understanding of it--or even just knew it existed.
@@FinntasticMrFox I learned about alexithymia from Dr. Alok Kanojia from HealthyGamerGG, among many other things. I find him to be a very good resource when it comes to a lot of issues involving the pathologies that men and boys suffer from, since men and boys seem to be at greater risk for video game addiction (his field of expertise).
A great approach to the vulnerability that men feel at admitting emotion. Calling it reason and logic doesn't make it so, and saying that reason and emotions are opposites is a fallacy at best, and a weapon at worst.
I have been struggling with this so hard. It takes time, but I’ve gotten better… slowly.
Coming from a conservative point of view here I don't personally agree with some of the stuff in the video but overall it's a good video and I totally agree on the main point
I already know I’m gonna like listening to this one.
This is super insightful, really helps me empathize with men more
I was lucky enough to come upon a book organize your emotions optimize your life and I feel like it woke me up emotionally I’m so cool now
Wow! Dude, you nailed it!
Your voice is vv soothing! thanks for this. loved the actionables section.
I always walk away feeling better then when I arrived on your content. Thank you so much for doing this as intressting and insightful as you do it.
Excellent video and insights, Finn! And the post-credit reflection is brilliant. Worth the wait. 👍
Thank you for creating the catalyst for these conversations to happen and the perspective you bring to them. As a cis man I have some questions about emotions that I'm hoping some trans people could help me with.
Do you feel like your experience of emotions has changed post-transition? Does sadness or anger feel/land different now? Do the same stimuli sometimes elicit different emotions now? Are there places in the emotional landscape that you visit now but never knew existed or places that now feel foreign?
I ask because I feel like not only are emotions themselves not feminine but that there are many emotions that are inherently masculine because they are only felt by people when they're filling masculine roles, like 'brother', 'father', etc and I have a secret hope that maybe talking about those emotions more may break down this silly idea that "emotions are for girls"
loved this! The idea of being rational about emotions is extremely important, and this video explained it in a really helpful way
Your videos are some of the best I've seen on this. Please keep it up, and I look forward to your rage video. You're doing good work.
I identify as enby but it is hard to recognise the way I have been conditioned growing up AMAB, and recognising the defensive nature of my approach to discussions particularly with my parents. this vid helped me recognise the defensive and distrustful nature that I approach conversations with my parents and I really appreciate that. Thank you
love your videos, underrated gem of a channel
Lol you make me wanna fight with folks less and be chiller more. LOVE IT! Basically act like Shaun Skull hahaha. That talkin british skull roolz!
Loving your vids!
I was just complaining (to myself, in my head) about how long it took me to start finding thoughtful and empathetic, but still challenging, content like this instead of the usual, polarizing takes. So here's a comment for the algorithm.
This video makes feel..... relieved. I think I watched it more than once. 💀😂
As a trans woman, when I was trying to perform masculinity, I didn't open up to other people about the depression I was feeling, and part of that was because I felt that I didn't want to bother other people with what I was going through, which I still did for a time after my egg cracked. My trans identity has allowed me to learn to be emotionally vulnerable and have emotional intimacy both because I'm not trying to perform masculinity and because transition and discussing trans experiences with other trans people requires one to open up about stuff one has kept hidden for a very long time.
u are allowed to be vulnerable in a society that respected ur vulnerability. by no means ur trans "identity" allowed u do that.
I hope this doesn’t sound weird but you have a very calming and soothing voice
Finn, your voice has gotten EVEN MORE calming since the last time you uploaded! If you keep this up, I'll end up ascending to Nirvana in a few months or so 😂
But the way you express your thoughts is just as clear, inspiring and nuanced as always! Tysm for the work you do 🥰
P.S - Pardon the possible excess of compliments, but your looks are giving me SOOOO much gender envy! 🤩 Do you have a complex hair care routine, or do you just wash and comb regularly as it grows? Again, sorry if this feels weird: I'm Autistic, so my sense of boundaries can get quite iffy when I'm excited about something.
Ahaha all good, and thank you! I just wash, condition, and comb it as needed. 🙂
@@FinntasticMrFox There's still hope for me? YAAAAY! 😍
Great discussion about a very important topic, keep up the great work and dog bless you 💜
Thank you so much!
0:40 Nah, it's not just western men in particular. Even in matriarchal societies we see this similar gender pattern. It's one of those cases where yes, males and females do have different emotional qualities and traits, but those differences are usually pushed to the extreme by gender norms. Old Chinese men, every generation, complain about how the succeeding generation of men is less manly.
1:10 Speaking as a former soldier, yes and no. As army structures of organization and the way's and why's we conduct conflict have evolved over the years with technology and cultural developments, the role of the "grunt" has changed as well. In very "brute force" (I'm trying to be as general as possible, brute force conflicts happen both in antiquity and in modern times) fights you actually do want your soldiers to be unemotional and not reacting to anything but the commander's orders. Close quarters, hand to hand combat, melee weapons, individual or small group size battles, are all extremely intense. There is gore and screaming and dying. We are empathetic creatures, we cannot help but react to those things. But when you want to win, reacting to those things gets in the way. It also means you're turning off the logical parts of your brain, which is why I'm being specific about brute force conflicts where strategy doesn't really come into play and it's more about taking the initiative, projecting. But as conflict and warfare have gotten more socially complicated, and as what each soldier needs to do even on an individual level gets more complicated, the more you need grunts who can think and feel. Yeah, the gist.
2:40 Mmm, I disagree here, you need to be pretty in tune with your emotions in order to be able to shut them down or box them up. It's the practice of doing so repeatedly, for every single emotion, when your whole identity is that, when it becomes a problem.
3:00 We never learn words in order to understand ourselves. We know what we feel. We learn words in order to tell about ourselves to other people.
3:10 We get "defensive" and try to shut down social interaction when we are stressed out because social interaction is stressful, much in the same way that drugs or neurodivergencey can cause light or noise sensitivity. When you're working out in the gym and you're lifting your max. Putting on a bit more, or a lot more weight, would be a bad idea because you know you can't handle it. Not attaching good or bad to things, you just know that your muscles can't do it.
3:15 Mmm, yes and no. While it is true that no one is ever truly entitled to attention, we are again empathetic creatures. It's why solitary isolation has such devastating effects on a person's psychology. A bit like how an animal at the groomer's will complain and put up a fight, but will ultimately tolerate it until a point, and then they give out an "I'm upset" yell that transcends language and species barriers. When it's beyond individual or personal feelings or actions and it's your literal brain or whatever starting to feel pain. When it's like, serious. So while no one is ever truly entitled to attention, there are definitely times when someone really does just need a hug or whatever, no questions asked, and it really, really hurts to be pushed away in those moments.
3:20 Your descriptions of sad and angry don't make sense to me. When we're sad we're allowing ourselves to feel social pain. When gender and self image come into play. It's not that if there are no people around there's no reason to cry, we can still compare our past selves to our current selves and feel something about that difference. Anger is the same thing but the opposite, when we're actively projecting our image onto the world. Placing blame is a method of doing that, it puts pressure on other people. But no, an angry person is still quite capable of being understanding, and in fact sometimes will intentionally do so in order to find avenues of manipulation. "Yeah, I'm gonna ruin their day. I'll be nice to them and figure out what they like, and then I'll twist it."
4:00 Mmm, I think I understand the general point you're trying to make, but I think this reduction of the argument is rather harmful, mostly for the points made in 2:40
4:30 Haha yes, one can never just completely shut off emotions, you can either repress them or ignore them, but the actual effects of doing those things and the reasons why we do them are a bit more complicated than "closing your eyes so you don't see the oncoming car." You cannot act separately from your emotions, but you can act quite differently from how you feel.
4:50 This ties back to what you said, "it makes men into good tools and good soldiers." Yes, when you teach someone to repress their emotions without context, it does make them extremely vulnerable to manipulation. They are a constant bundle of nerves seething beneath the skin, not because they feel things particularly strongly, or even that their life is particularly stressful or hostile, but when you are repressing every emotion, all the time, it builds up.
5:00 I'm here because you've impressed me with your ability to think, and because you're a transman and I don't often get to hear transmen's voices. Within the whole trans discussion and debate and hostilities transmen seem to get overshadowed by transwomen in every category. So basically, because I'm bored and you just work here.
6:00 HAHAHA HELLO KIN, I'm currently banned from reddit because I was asking some pointed questions about straight people, and a black army combat vet (confirmed and verified, for real) got so triggered that he unleashed a wall of racism against white people. I'm also stubborn as hell, we've gone back and forth a whole lot, and I've also said some really mean things to him in turn. But hmm, maybe I'm more aware than you, because it was my job, but my monkey brain doesn't feel like I'm fighting him. I've heard and seen so many stories of people being turned into monsters, or tools, or mindless beasts, and I cannot help but respond to it. When a person has been so broken down that the only thing they truly respond to anymore is pain, whether their own or in other people because they caused it. I've learned that you have to be someone's punching bag for a bit, endure their thunder and lighting, before they finally realize that they can stop being clenched up. Sometimes when you get hurt so badly or for so long you clench and forget how to relax.
7:00 Haha I've been using that analogy to describe mental health to people and it seems to work really well. And my point to you is to be wary of pride. One can be pro-social, one can be anti-social, how do we determine in each given moment and situation which one is "right?" I agree that the force is not currently in balance, that men's culture (hi I'm nonbinary but I lived as a straight man and was socialized as a boy like most male persons in this country) is skewed severely towards anti-socialness, because it's great for capitalism. But I've had healthy relationships with men. There's a fair amount of give and take, push and pushback. And within boundaries, it's a good thing.
7:40 This is kind of being "meta," and that's my point, but simply asking someone about their emotional state is kind of manipulative. Like, at default, no one is hiding anything, so why do you need to ask? Can you not see my face, my body language? Are my words and thoughts seemingly disconnected from my actions or feelings? This is anecdotal, but in my life, both in and out of the closet, particularly within male and straight circles but certainly not limited to, someone only ever asks about your feelings directly when they want to question them, and the majority of the time they don't want to question them with good intentions. Whatever else you're doing, someone asking about your emotions requires you to stop what you're doing, including thinking, and to look inwards. It can be quite disruptive.
11:15 HA! Despite my blunt words, that is something you and I share in common. Schadenfreude is a powerful feeling, and it makes me feel gross, even when the antagonist truly deserves it and you are fighting a "just" war.
12:50 Male rage is a myth. Sorry, but the whole entire thing is a myth. Whoever is bigger has more power to project. For example, female hyenas are rather physically bigger than male hyenas and display similar levels and patterns of aggression to human males. Since anger is your projection of your image or feelings onto the world, the "bigger" you are, the more you are able to project. We attach "manly or masculine" gender values to female persons who are big. Ugh, like how people thought Lousia from Encanto is trans and on T just because her voice is a little deep, because she got honking big neck muscles. That's just how voices work. And conversely, we have the sayings "never underestimate the small ones" because they've grown big personalities to compensate for their small statures because people pick on them for it, because it's simply easier to pick on someone who is smaller than you.
Edit: Ok, it's not exactly a 'myth.' From a female perspective, it's a very real thing. In the same way that female "emotionality?" is a thing from a male perspective. You even said it yourself, that even accounting for calming down because you finally feel comfortable with yourself, your general mood and emotional output is 'lower.'
Oh goodness, I love your content ❤️
Incredible takes!! This is exactly what the world needs to hear right now, I just wish they were more receptive to it collectively. Thank you for the wonderful spearheading you have done on this platform, I know the ideas you express come from other people, but in the sense of you giving people a space in such a toxic environment to sit and be refreshed, thats real activism. You and a couple others are doing great work, its just dissapointing you all aren't getting the recognition you so deserve.
Even if only a few people are helped, a few people have been helped! Though I’m glad there are collaborative efforts to reach more people. 💙
Oh man i was hoping you would use the "Kevin, your dog just died" meme
Great vid btw
maybe this wasn't the point of the video but i guess ill comment on the part of asking someone how they are doing. i usually at least in person i take it as a generic greeting and also like someone asking about the weather, unless there is a storm they probably arnt that interested in the weather and they armt that interested in how im doing so usually give a generic positive answer but also in recent years ive used it as a chance to talk about the movie ive watched recently witch in this case was antman and the wasp quantumania, i guess i liked it and think its better than the reviews its getting but i wouldnt go out of my way to try to convince someone to see it who wasn't already panning on seeing it. but i was going to suggest a movie i would say that 80 for brady is the type of movie i would like to see more often 4 older ladys getting a chance to be the main stars and not just playing so and sos mother. but as for how im doing im doing both great and awful and ive already told you the main reasons why.
This is very fair. A lot of people do just ask how someone's doing in an off-hand way, and I guess it can be a little tricky to tell when someone is just going with the usual social script vs. sincerely asking.
What I really want to know is what martial arts finn has done, I was Shōrin-ryū karate trainee for about 10 years
Mostly Wing Chun kung fu and Shotokan karate, but I’ve tried other ones, too. 😊
Swolesome, swolcialism, Swocial Media hehe love the name change
9:47 I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FUCKING SCREAM THIS AND NO ONE WILL LISTEN
Talking to you about perspective and cooperation helped me articulate so much of this (and has generally been very helpful to me.)
@@FinntasticMrFox I'm glad! 💛
These are just theories that someone has come up with that probably have some truth in them, but someone could come up with contradicting theories that are just as convincing. But I guess that is humanties in general.
In relation to the actionables section everything that comes up I think to myself but why?
I'm sorry if this seems nihilistics/incel-ey, I'm not deliberetly trying to be sarcastic. I have been finding it really hard to 'want' to do something, and I am at a point I kind of want to give up on trying to be a good person. I feel like morals are lost on me and pragmatic reasons to develop emotional intelligence don't seem like a way of getting anywhere in life at the moment, so what else is there? I hope this makes sense, I tried to turn a rant into a question but I understand it's a bit ham-fisted attempt to soul search in these comments of all places.
That's a hard question to answer for someone else given that motivation is so personal. For me, the question of "why do good?" comes down to "why *not* do good?" If there's no point either way, might as well put good things out there. It's not really about morals, I don't think there's an external force at play necessarily--I mean, there's laws and social pressures, but it's not really about that for me. Connecting with others and seeing them happy makes me feel good. And even if it doesn't, do you feel good *not* doing it?
@@FinntasticMrFox Appreciate the response! Been dwelling on what those counter arguments would be within my context. I think when I realise what the consequences are of not doing something are, sometimes I realise it'd upset others which upsets me and that's got me going again. It's strange though I feel rarely ever the motivation starts with myself but can come to me consequentially.
👑👑👑👑
alexithymia dazed and confused
Again a wannabe guy commenting on what makes a man sincerely do these people ever stop ridiculing the standards that brought us to this point the standards that won wars and built the world for us honest it's better to be a warrior in a garden than a Gardner in a war
"Strong men create good times
Good times create weak men
Weak men create hard times
Hard times create strong men" and as far as the whole feeling dynamic goes if you can't control your emotions like hell will you control your life.
It’s a shame you didn’t listen. You might have learned something.
But regardless, it is fascinating to me that someone so deeply threatened by gentle words presumes to be an authority on what makes a man strong.
@@FinntasticMrFox who was threatened? Your points were not something i agree with besides my personal opinion towards masculinity is in simple words men should be dependable full stop any man who is dependable is someone who makes a good leader and an asset to society as well full stop
@@LAKNIGHT66 Sincere question: Do you not see how you showing up to call me "a wannabe guy" and then quoting G. Michael Hopf's perpetuation of the Fremen Mirage comes across? It's deeply insecure, inaccurate, and short-sighted, especially to anyone with an understanding of history.
I'm also very doubtful that you actually watched the video, because it's specifically about the principles of stoicism--real stoicism, as in the school of stoic philosophy--but you seem to think it's about letting your emotions control you? Inability/refusal to engage with non-confrontational topics tends to come from a place of feeling threatened by them. Maybe you just set out looking to put someone else down, but you're not gonna get that here, my friend. I suggest asking yourself why you want it, instead, that's all this video is about.
you are allowed to have an ethnocentric and reductionist opinion of masculinity, though not sure why you would open with "wannabe guy"... where did he say he "wants" to adhere to your specific viewpoint?
plus what they are talking about does not undermine the positive aspects of traditional masculinity or the contributions men have made in society. it is possible to acknowledge the positive qualities of traditional masculinity while also recognizing the harmful aspects of toxic masculinity and advocating for change
He actually argued the "strong men good times" thing...
I kinda figured it had become entirely a meme at this point.