"Don't fall in love with the potential of somebody, the potential of somebody is the fantasy of how (you think, may I add) they should be". Completely accurate and a very reliable advice, thanks!
As if people have all these options available to them and can pick someone with all the requirements right there. Most people settle for what is available.
You can do it. You can heal. I did it after being obsessed with someone completely unavailable. The pain was almost unbearable and my mental health plummeted. It took me a few years but I did the work to change because I never wanted to ever go through this again. God bless all of you going through this. There is life after a limerant relationship.
@@sunnysunflower5513 I believe most sources would tell you this: concentrate on your life and your inner sense of self. This is what I am trying to do with my life now. I had to end my friendship/limerant-ship and it’s been kinda tough. But it was for the best to do this. I didn’t use exactly the phrases Anna suggests, but I believe I did fairly well. He was/is avoidant, so I figured he might just be relieved that I laid everything out to end it. However, like Anna mentions, there’s still some hurt feelings that will only get uglier if we were to extend things (or try to) as “friends”.
@@sunnysunflower5513first of all, forget platitudes because this is a fight. - acknowledge negative feelings but do not linger. Every time the rejection pops into your brain, say out loud, "yeah, that sucks but I'm ready to move on." This will help interrupt your thought process so you can get on with your day. -I cannot stress enough how right Anna is about staying away from this person. On social media and in real life. If you have mutual friends, you're just going to have to forego some social events for right now. Think of it as the cost of doing business to help yourself heal. - pick a project or a hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with a member of the opposite sex and complete it. - after a rejection, I make a list of tasks to complete. The night before I fill up my entire day the next day, I make sure every minute is accounted for even brushing my teeth and getting dressed.. then the next day I go through the list, I complete the tasks and check them off. That way if my brain starts to spiral into a negative or limerent direction I pull up the list and keep going it gets me back into reality and helps me keep up with self-care even when I'm feeling rejection. These are things that helped me I hope they help you too.
I have just realized and heard about limerance . I had Malignant Narc female bio parent and in-laws and spouse. With decades of no positive relationships, I fell into the fantasy world. Oh ! The fantasy world is soooooo good. But my logical brain was in fight that it cannot be true or real. I snapped my logical brain and went into fantasy. Accidentally I came across info on Limerence. First thing I did was to acknowledge that it was not my fault or the other. My logical brain took hold slowly. Now I have a list of 10 things to do as daily routine which includes meditation, reading, walking etc and this is acting and helping me to be grounded and to live in present and not future day dreaming which is what limerance does. I am almost out of limerance this time. I will be working with that person but no more fantasy or dreaming as I am out of it. Thanks for your work Anna
I'd like to piggy back off this as a former tarot reader. There is no such thing as a twin flame, they are never coming back, those that say they are reunited twin flames either just have happened to work things out or are scamming you. I quit tarot reading because i found 99% of people wanting tarot readings wanted love readings and were limerent.
What a good ethical descision. I tend to see it as a bad sign if i turn to tarot, it means someone confuses me and i cant get clarity with them trying to get clarity elsewhere to be able to maintain the relationship.
Gosh can I tell you I have had an obsession with psychic readings regarding a limeranr situation which is so difficult and I just ‘needed to know’ even though of all the psychics I have doormen with and I’m talking MANY I would have spent 10,000 dollars and nothing ever came true , but it kept me hanging on. So so dangerous. Finally coming out the other side but gosh it was so hard
I have someone’s number in my phone listed as “Limerence” and when he called out the blue recently trying to “hook up” - seeing “Limerence” on caller id gave me a positive jolt of reality - like “oh 🤔, this bullsh*t” instead of the hurtful cycle of excitement/disappointment I’d get if I saw his name. Nope. I didn’t hook up and haven’t spoken to him since, just like I hadn’t prior to that. I truly get it now and it feels so good. Best to you all ❤
Agree, but limerence tricks me into feeling like I'm in love with my LO. And that it is true love.. On the surface, it looks like it. Kissing her picture on my nightstand seems so genuine and right. Even innocent and sweet. Yet it's a creepy, bullshit fraudulent fantasy that my mind won't let go. Because it's as good things can get right now. And to be honest, that's really the truth. At least in my life it is.
@MarkJoseph omg I thought i was the only one who did this. I'm glad I stopped because i really had a chokehold on myself... 😢 ugh. Coping mechanisms keep us afloat but trapped
it feels like no one else in the world is talking about the very specific struggle of limerence. thank you, Anna, the “crappy childhood fairy”. you’re doing many people a great service by opening a door to a difficult reality that many of us are afraid to look at. it’s hard and hurtful at first to say “gee, maybe this person doesn’t really want me in the way i wish they would”. but watching your videos give me hope that there is a healthier, greener pasture beyond compulsive obsession, unhealthy attachment, and low self worth.
Once I finally faced reality and ended the madness a real person showed up for a real relationship. And the feelings I have for them are just as good, only better
The good Fairy is not kidding when she says limerence is a parasite that sucks the life out of you. I'm having my life currently sucked out now due to all the emotions I am feeling. I am depressed, not interested in doing anything or changing for the better. The only happiness or high I'm getting is seeing my LO. Even in the face of rejection or her ignoring me, I make up excuses that it will all work out in the end. That she's going to like me one day and we'll live happily ever after. Wtf is wrong with me?? This is worse than any drug addiction in my opinion. My sadness is out of control. God help anyone else who feels this way today. I hate it, yet love the high too much to stop it.
Hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Just remember, a lot of us were deep into limerence, we touched the "don't even want to get better" levels of depression, yet here we are. Now we have hobbies, fulfilling careers, people around us with whom we can share our incredible love, and they are safe and they appreciate it. It's possible. I know it can seem so far away, so unreachable, because that's exactly how it felt for me. I promise you, one day you will just be alone at your home, maybe reading, maybe drawing, maybe sipping some tea, and you will feel so grateful for your own company and enjoy the simple thing you're doing, without the need for anyone to validate you in order to enjoy that. And you will just smile. Maybe even laugh out loud in delight :) Because us who went through this shit know how to appreciate that peace of mind very well. Stay strong, we're all rooting for you ❤️
@@littlehuman7028 Thanks my friend. I think half of my problem is the fact I am alone all the time anyway. I am an only-child and my own children do not live with me. I have a hard time attracting women and am filled with regret for the reasons surrounding my divorce 12 years ago... My LO came into view by sheer accident. I never planned to crush so hard over her. I mean I thought she was always very attractive and I would see her around at work every day, but when our eyes met for the first time, I fell hard and fast, like a plane falling out of the sky. I have never felt this way about anybody in my life. Haven't been the same since. Its crazy.. So this is all new uncharted territory for me.
Thanks for sharing your story, my heart goes out to you for your pain. I can relate. I have yet to see any letters the fairy reads coming from a man experiencing limerence, so your comment is enlightening and balancing to the picture.
@@colleenanderson6469 There was a letter she read from a man in one of the earlier limerence vids. Not sure which one. I have connected with a few other men on here who experience this. Good not to be alone in the struggle.
@@RUsMJ21495 I hope your doing well and I’m sorry you have gone through this like so many of us have.I let 10 years of my life pass and I kept taking him back for him to leave again. trauma bond, the legend Limerence sucks.I just wanted to say hello and I see you had ruby in your profile. I work at a little Italian restaurant named Ruby’s recipes.
Love to all sufferers here. 40 years of this. I wish I had these videos when I was 14. I thought I was the only one. Exhausting. Never thought I'd get to this age. We must be stronger than we think x
I ended it. And I don’t feel good about it. He wanted friendship, I wanted love. I believe he wanted “friends with benefits”. But it was so nice having someone admiring in my life.
I ended it also, just last night. I was limerent for years, which faded to a friendship, but for my own well-being, I walked away from even that. I would never be able to forget the dark years… and I also don’t feel good. In the end, he valued my friendship, but I would secretly always wish we could have had more.
Learning about limerence was one of the best things to happen to me. It's helping me to get over my most recent break up. I'm not holding onto hope this time. It's actually a refreshing feeling. So thank you, Anna...
Absolutely SAME here!!! There’s actually a name for what I’m dealing with and the fact that I have felt destroyed inside is valid. It’s time to move on now.
I often wonder myself how will I ever heal from this. How will I feel true, genuine, reciprocated love and happiness.. When my LO gives me so much empty happiness.
She foes not say that there is no end to limerance: it says that you need to come clean, expres your felings and, so, do the step to transforme that into a close relationship or a REAL relationship. Just be careful because if you do not worck at yourself, you will dump the person you are whit for another limerance, later in time.
For me the hardest part is that whenever I like someone I get so weird and nervous in their presence, available or not, that the fact I like them MAKES them unavailable because I can't act normally and they will never get to know my actual personality. It's less about fantasy about them and more about suffering from my own inability to form a relationship with anyone I am actually interested in, because its just so painful when I can't be authentic. 😌
I hear you, I know it can be incredibly challenging trying to form new relationships. Anna offers a course called 'Dating and Relationships' that sounds like a great fit for you, here is the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Calista@TeamFairy
Officially 17 years single and last dated 4 years ago. At 56 I'm pretty content. I moved jobs and suddenly have found myself attracted to an older colleague. It escalated really quickly and in the last week I let him know. I have been totally rejected. This is how I found out about Limerence. OMG what a relevation! I now have to question every previous relationship.
See this is making me feel like I have always been lied to about every value I ever thought I brought to any situation. Nobody likes me and so I need to stop living and trying because it does not bring any value and I am obviously worthless because no one really loves me and I love everyone (juxtaposed to me in this life) too much. Without some little limerence, what joy do I have to look forward to in my life? It really doesn't matter to me if folks love me back anymore. I've already learned that no one really loves me...
And...I'll add... Just because someone is "older," it doesn't necessarily make them more mature. An older, immature person has just been repeating their bad habits for a lot longer. Your revelation is gold!
Woww 😢 so much relatable.i used to keep older people at high regards but they aren't that special n mature.may be we are seeking parents😢@@GeometryMatters
Hi Anna. I don't know the ethnicity of the young lady with the narcissistic partner, but African Americans sometimes say "I caught feelings". It simply means that you find yourself having feelings for someone that you never wanted or intended to be in a relationship with. It's "caught", like a cold, because it is totally unexpected and often unwanted for whatever reason. Just thought I'd help you out with this as you may hear it again. You are so amazing in the work that you are doing here on TH-cam. Please keep the videos coming, as they are incredibly helpful.
“Limerence is an escape into fantasy , that’’s all it is” - the mantra everyone in an L.E should start their day with , I’m going to use this going forward !
It's very similar to drug addiction, my fantasy ex is a stoner and an avoidant so I'm convinced we have a trauma bond. It's infuriating not to get a grip on this, I just got sucked in again after a year, known this guy for 20 years, been treated like crap and he's devoid of giving real affection, I know this guy sucks and is totally wrong for me, I feel this one got through the net and I need to throw him back in the sea!!!, i am self aware with this I need to control it.
Limerence feels a lot like OCD. Obsessive, compulsive, intrusive, ruminating thoughts that have no actual basis and purpose in reality but cause severe distress. The thought of them causes anxiety and the thought of losing the ritual of thinking about the object of your limerence feels just like it feels when you try to stop OCD rituals. For some people the only way to treat OCD is with anti anxiety medication and therapy. Could limerence be a type of OCD ritual? Could that be the reason why it ends when and if you actually have a relationship with the person (immersion)? I can control the fantasy, I can't control the actual relationship or experience. Just like an OCD ritual. Could it stem from not being able to control sexual or romantic feelings or experiences at a young age? CBT is helpful for OCD. Could it work for limerence? Just something to think about. Thank you Anna for all you do! You are saving so many people, including myself. God bless you!
I can admit to a degree that OCD has a place in my behavior patterns. Not overbearing but I am a neat freak. Especially about dirt in my car. Or things being tidy and orderly around the house. Comparing to limerence works, but if I don't get around to vacuuming or tidying up, I don't get emotional. Unlike I do when things don't go my way, especially when it comes to my LO.. I can become emotional, moody and sad quite often. Usually breaking down. It's like a roller coaster. I feel like with her, it's a whole new level of feelings I struggle to understand. It's something I never saw coming. And I pray God will help me figure it out. I also am curious if some of the reason I am this way is because the lack of control I experienced with love and sexual desires in my younger years.
I feel like there is a physical connection with mental stuff.. like parasites and certain toxins and needing to detox those.❤ rather than trying to go toward another parasite and keep the toxicity going, cleanse the body , cleanse the mind. (Heart)
I went out with one of my Limerence fantasy men once and he was actually pretty awful, terrible anger issues, compulsive liar, and I ended up leaving him. So, limerence doesn't mean the person's actually good for you or heals your Limerence from the next one. 😂 That's why I'm here!
He’s going to meet someone and make her move out. She will leave some things behind for whatever reason. Then he and the new woman will be very insistent that she get ALL her stuff out NOW. I’ve seen this happen to two women in the process of divorce, and this involved what has been their own houses. It’s really humiliating to be pushed out into the cold and the door closed so they can get on with their happy life together. Please get your own place, or a female roommate.
wow i spent 5 years in a “twin flame” dynamic only to realize it was just limerence. i wish i would’ve heard about this back then, i feel like i ruined my life tbh.
"even though they are happy to have you on the periphery of their life" It might be too strong a word but I have to say limerence is one bad, wasteful self-imposed humiliation. I know the pulling power of it. Very important (and hard) to stop limerence.
@@cheesedip1 You could just tell yourself not to pursue the LO. But its not that easy, I get it. Another option is the LO goes away. Which is no fault of yours (or I guess it could be) but not having them in view is helpful. Because then not seeing them, by default, you are releasing them from your mind. Doesn't mean you won't miss them though. It's a bitch no matter what happens, so good luck with whatever method you do use to stop limerence.
@RubysDude My limerant object absolutely went away, in no uncertain terms,and has remained perfectly No Contact ever since, but that did not stop me from obsessing about the future plans we had made, or from nurturing the hope, even the conviction, that he would return. It has taken me an embarrassing number of years, and finding Anna 9 months ago, to finally release me. Mostly.
That's a good question. I been there and done that. And maybe limerence was the very thing or one of the things that aided me in growing out. It takes, and should take time.
I was skeptical about this concept of Limerence. Part of the problem was, the word sounds so nice - like a little village in Ireland. And, I’m very careful about online bandwagons. But I’ve evaluated the idea for about a year through yours and other sites and yes, limerence is real. And it describes my mental habits precisely. I’ve practiced it for, well, for my whole life, tied in with maladaptive daydreaming, and OCD. Seeing this series on limerence has shown me a big corner I need to turn. And I accept that limerence is toxic to me, unlike that little village. But turning that corner will be tough. I’ve got to strategize about this; this lifetime pattern is second nature to me. And I thank you, Anna.
"a little village in Ireland" LOL that's really funny! I get it though, limerence is a tornado that doesn't stop with a sweet name :) You can do this! -Cara@TeamFairy
@@jenster29 Limerence is a place tourists only fantasize about visiting. It's inaccessible, but some people feel they just have to go there, so they obsess on it.
I used to call this kind of the phenomenon of the 'INFP getting attached to the ISTP', but then I realized that it's part of a much deeper and more sinister pattern. For me it manifested as trying to seek out the kind of people that reminded me of my father, very aloof, detached 'technical' people, and trying desperately to get them to recognize my emotions as valid. But I'm sure it would work differently for different personality styles; in any case, it's a pattern that is beyond sick.
@X MBTI is just useful shorthand for talking about very broad categories of personality, it doesn't have to be literal. But I'm sure your comment was a thinly veiled accusation that I lack intelligence for referring to that, right?
Thank you, Anna! ❤️ I thankfully don’t struggle with limerence towards any people physically around me (likely because I never leave the house) but I have a huge issue with limerence over people online. It feels safer and allows my mind to fill in the blanks with my own preferences for their character instead of having to face the reality of an actual mutual relationship. I also grew up using dissociation to cope with the daily stress and abuse and limerent daydreams are a form of that coping mechanism.
I was also dissociating quite oftenly and heavy into all kinds of daydreams, usually limerent (still it comes up, but not nearly as much as in my teen years). It's comforting to hear someone going through something similar. I told a psychologist about my dissociations, they said it was normal. Daydreams I didn't even mention since they were SO normal to me, I didn't even consider they might be harmful to my life. Every time I approached anyone for help, they would tell me I was fine (I seem to others as a high achiever, could be that). I wasn't feeling fine since 11 years old (even before that, but I didn't have the ability to realize it). It seemed so hard working on my mental health because the world just didn't respond with anything to my pleas. I'm so thankful to see people who go through similar things as I do, and that, yes, there is something I can do to change how I feel. Thank you. Stay awesome ❤️
I think limerence is the primary tool used by catfish. I wish everyone could learn about limerence. This is a completely new vocabulary word for me, but I'm recognizing the behavior in myself. Thank you for creating your channel and talking about this.
@@Breeandfree I'd say it's when someone says and does things that lead you to believe they're available romantically/sexually for you but then they have no intention of any real step forward and they have no problem just cutting ties completely at any point in time. There's lots of reasons people will lead others on like this and it never comes from a healthy place but the limerence we can have for them doesn't come from a healthy place either. That's why it's important to make your intentions/feelings clear early on because it's always better to get rejected by a catfish early than to keep getting lead on and then dropped after it all
@@phillfraggy Yes, I am saying that they take advantage of limerance and use it as part of the con. They're very good at coming up with reasons why they're not available but pretending they want to be more than anything. That's how they string their victims along.
@@Breeandfree Catfishing is a deliberate, malicious con. They communicate through email, google chat or whatsapp. They will spend months building a relationship in terms of friendship and then romance. They will have a reason why they cannot talk on the phone of do a video call. (i.e. deployed) then they will start to ask for money. Like your login to your Netflix account, which gives them access to your billing info, request an apple gift card, etc.Victims of catfish have literally been conned out of thousands and thousands of dollars.
Been limerent for 7 years after a 5 month relationship. She has been no contact since then. My pain is well deserved. Spent a lifetime crushing souls without a second thought. My focus turned to being kind to others, animals, the environment etc. The pain and regret of my actions are as a part of me as one of my limbs. I have people and animals that depend on me to hold myself together and function lovingly and responsibly. I've tried to let go, I really have, it's just not happening for me. I'm almost 67 and I'm grateful for your channel. Love and light to you all.
My entire life has been one limerence object after the next. I'm constantly hung up on emotionally manipulative and abusive women. My dad cheated on my mom and left us when I was 6 with his affair. My mom was destroyed and completely emotionally unavailable and abusive my entire life. I tried so hard to get love from her. I would shape shift. I became a helpless, people pleasing codependent, simply trying to feel safe in my own house. That turned into me playing the "hero" and "fixer" role, always attaching to women with BPD/NPD, or extreme avoidance. The idealization/devaluation cycles, push-pull cycles, or fleeting moments of affection LITERALLY make me addicted. I've been replaying my trauma my entire life. Constantly obsessed in getting the love from someone who is literally incapable of giving it. When I'm inevitably distanced from or discarded by people with these issues, it triggers everything in me and I develop extreme love addiction and limerence. I just crave the love I never got as a kid. It was there, and then it was gone. I just want it back. Trauma and CPTSD is so god damn fucked up.
Limerence - when I look back at those who I had had this with - I was looking for them to really see me, to hear me, to help me - to save me ! Father figures. Authority figures in my life. As Nicole Sachs says, there ain't no one coming to save you honey - u have to save yourself !
The irony behind this post is that you have to remember that all people no matter how confident they appear are insecure and needy Why because humans are built for human connection Therefore you have to realize that people who make successful connections to other people have the same voids that people who do not make connections with people have Therefore some of the most insecure and needy people are the ones that strategically try to secure a long-term relationship because they do not want to deal with being alone and they will do anything to avoid that There is nothing wrong with any of us who have a healthy capacity to love ourselves and others and literally seek human connection it is completely and totally normal I appreciate it
With Limerance you should ask yourself: “Do I actually want a relationship with this person? Or do I just want to be this person?”. I found this to be the case in my own experience. I saw everything in her I lacked and longed for in myself instead of seeing myself for who I am. Such a bitter pill to down but it was definitely the truth for me.
As someone who has been suffering for 7years with limerence with absolutely no end in sight and nobody to have these convos with - THANK YOU!!!! I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
I really love the format of reading these letters to the viewers. They're like little movies (cautionary tales) with protagonists that we, as traumatized viewers, relate to on a deep level. Not trying to downplay the hurt and trauma of the people who send the letters, just saying that it's really grounding to listen to your advice and how you re-frame what's happened in a way that's really helpful to the audience and to the person who sent the letter. 🥺 Thank you for being in this world, Anna! 💕
Yes...this format is extremely good for listening to as it takes it out of 'theory', the thing is we also hear these stories and feel compassion for the ones in the stories where we could not feel for ourselves. Hey, it's probably useful for Anna too.
I like what you said. The older you get the less you need a marriage. Companionship friendship without the annoyance of someone underfoot. Maybe that's avoidance but you have to live the way it's comfortable for you when you no longer have the job of raising children. I noticed this couple is raising cats together. I know a couple who took ten years to get divorced after separating. Neither one can get in a relationship with anyone else. Now they are old and it ain't going to change. After my second marriage ended in my fifties l never wanted to get married again. Lots of seniors are like this. I got caught in a fantasy situation during Covid and now I'm in limerance with someone. It's a trauma bond. Not making me happy
Thank you very much and this has opened by eyes. My father was absent emotionally and he was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and my mother. At 44 I know that I've been chasing for my father's approval that will never come. So I've chased after emotionally distant and unavailable men. Never heard of this word limerance until your videos. Will do more listening and reading about it. Lots to unpack here.
This video genuinely means a lot to me. I have struggled deeply with limerence for my entire life. I have never been able to put a name on it until I found you. I ended up in an abusive marriage in my 20s and thankfully got out. For two years, the trauma and pain was enough to keep me from limerence. But recently, I have found myself entangled with someone totally unavailable. This video has really helped me process my feelings and challenged me for the better. Thank you a million.
It was the cheating that finally made me end it. But it was all of the many terrible things before that which I ignored, which were very clear indications that this was wrong. So the cheating was the excuse I could use. I wasted my best marrying/children years doing it that way. See the signs, listen to your gut, and walk away as soon as you know. Good people are out there.
My goodness… so many emotions inside my heart i feel suffocated… cptsd.. limerence.. also feeling understood by you through this video. The hardest thing in life is letting go people you know you can’t have .. knowing you both can’t be together in this lifetime.
I've spent years with a guy who is just as desperately clinging to me as I to him, I had the fantasy that his cold, narcissist shell would crack and he'd turn into that loving, sensitive man I saw the potential for in him, he had the fantasy that I'd submit to his ideas of who I should be and turn into the perfect trophy girlfriend that looks like a model and never talks back. I think we did love each other as much as it's possible for people like us but it was such a tortured mess and we still profess to each other that we want to figure it out and be together and refuse to move on while I just can't become that thing he wants because it feels like admitting my worth is tied to my appearance and it doesn't feel like I'm really loved and he can't give up on his demands and step away from his self centeredness.
A lot of us seem to see limitless potential in others for no good reason. The Dating & Relationships course is hugely helpful in reframing our thinking about good partners . bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Cara@TeamFairy
I read a book called "Shrinking Yourself" by Roger Gould about emotional eating that was the best counseling for many issues beyond weight. A part that really resonating with me was about wanting people to love me the way I am. In reality, I needed to take care of myself for my own health (self-love) and not stay overweight just to be able to prove that someone could love me when I was not perfect.(Due to childhood abandonment) It was changing my focus on taking care of myself. hint: if after you hit your fitness goals, someone starts picking at new areas or changes the goal line of being healthy and active to being a model, either drop them completely or gently remind them that when they have the wealth of Tom Brady, Donald Trump or Prince William, they can just forget about the supermodel (you or any other woman)!
@@c.w.8200this man is projecting his own extreme self loathing on to you. He will never be able to cope with any illness, scar or disability in himself or others. There are hundreds of thousands of men with this personality. It is not all men but a great many. I am so glad you didn't allow his bullying self loathing consume your loving heart. I hope you find what you seek in a kind reciprocal nurturing partner. I have surrendered to the fact it might never happen to me in my 40s after two cruel marriages to highly narcissistic men but I have learnt snippets of self respect and self value which have lent me peace of mind from seeking or desiring a partner who simply won't reciprocate.
Can we also focus on the fact that some people don’t have the capacity to love deeply and feel strong emotions. It’s not like they’re withholding. This was an aha moment for me when I got this.
The lyrics from Not the doctor by Alanis Morissette comes to mind: "I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you". I remind myself that my partner does not want that as much as I don't want my partner to do that to me.
I have an avoidant attachment style so instead of forming these obsessive relationships with ppl i knew in real life i would get obsessed with celebrities and even fictional characters! I know it sounds ridiculous but I can’t fall in love with a “real” person to save my life even though I got better at coping with limerence. Thinking about it now, it was a smart strategy, bc as a teen 1) I wasn’t allowed to date and 2) i had poor social skills.
I completely relate to Freya, only I am twice her age and was in a 12year relationship with a person very much like this. Good for her for recognizing this right way and taking action and looking for help.
Dear Freya... Run away from that guy and do NOT look back!!!! The whole time the Fairy was reading your letter, I was shaking my head saying, Nope nope nope!!! Trust me... you deserve so much better than this abusive excuse of a man. Best wishes! ❤
Wow Anna, after hearing a letter like that, with so much going on, you head in with the most incredible courage, compassion and skill, that it is just mesmerizing. Your practical but empathetic guidance is a rarity and I pray the people who are writing to you for help are taking to heart, your sensible, pragmatic advice. You’re a treasure.
I hear about behaviors that I would do but that I've become quite clear on. You can not demand respect from someone who senses you don't respect yourself. You are also not setting a boundary if the only thing you expect is that the other person enforce it while you do not. There are so many of us who have grown up without learning what being a self-respecting woman is, and we take our cues from the media - a disaster. None of our plans will happen without putting one hundred percent into our healing. So be tough, Fairy, so we can live the lives we dream of. So grateful for your guidance.
I grew exactly like that with no boundaries…. I think my husband also had a lot of boundaries stepped on emotionally that he didn’t realize. Now that I have been learning and healing, this has caused me to actually act on boundaries in a healthy way and it is causing toxicity on his because it makes him feel abandoned and angry and that I am standoffish when it is actually me saying this is too much and I need to be to be my own person and have my own thoughts… I didn’t realize until recently where my boundaries were… now that I have learned what is healthy and unhealthy treatment by other people- my husband doesn’t some other ways or deal with situations where he is asking too much of me. My husband is so used to the way I let people treat me however for like months at a time and then I finally blow up… That wasn’t helping or healthy. Now, I will walk away from the situation as soon as I notice, the person is speaking incorrectly to me or treat me in such a way that is a bit too far for instance: my hubby and I can talk about how I like my office space when he starts trying to convince me that my personal likes and dislikes and design of my officespace is wrong or makes no sense, that is a boundary you overstepped- it is my space and you don’t get to decide whether what I like is wrong or right… I would never dream of say that to another person… and I truly do hate my husband‘s office desk for 13 years but I’ve never said anything because it’s not my place (its his office)… he was willing to comment about my office design/decor when he asked me to join his office area… after moving in I moved out quickly back to my space until he realized he pushed the boundary- it made him very angry, but I stood my ground as best I could in an emotionally charged situation. Before my husband started working on himself, this would’ve ended very poorly and multiple screaming matches until one of us gave in or threw something because I would’ve tried to stay there when my husband attempted to guilt me into staying leaving was “rash” (already discussed prior what would happen if my husband wouldn’t stop trying to question and discuss every decor choice I had made for my office)… In the end, I quietly stood my ground and told him I would not be moving back in the near future. That eventually made him realize he doesn’t get to make those decisions for others. It’s been almost a month. I have offered to move back into his office space… the only thing stopping me now is having a discussion with him about how it’s going to go. If he can’t agree, allow me to have my own place there (he is having me move to help him be “accountable” not to look at things he shouldnt- its not a happy reason to do this on top of it all) and recognize that I am trying to be reasonable moving into someone else’s space and allow me to have some freedom… I am not going to move in his office space…. You have to deal with his own problems on his own. I hope it goes well, but this is the stuff I’m dealing with my marriage. He gets very panicky and nervous as soon as I shall inform of independence or independent thought or extensive independent prime and prayer reflection (including the meditating and journaling time). It’s very hard for me because I used to be very codependent with him. Now getting healthier, I am now looking for interdependence and more health in our marriage… this new jumping into more healthy behavior on my end is causing a lot of fear and panic and insecurity on his end… he doesn’t see where he is pushing boundary and refuses to listen to me and expect me to just give in instead of him giving me time and space to decide whether or not it’s something that is ok to do…. It’s been really hard, and I wish that he would trust me when he panics in the moment but he wont
@@Jaxmusicgal23 Wow! Great letter. You've so much to be proud of yourself for. Gently pushing through that fear, and, more importantly, developing patience with oneself makes all the difference. Thank you. 🩷
Your advice is second to none it is helping me and so many people to live happier lives. Im getting prepared to leave a relationship and this is absolutely invaluable. I would not know where to turn without this channel. Showing you immense gratitude.
When I was very little I had an imaginary friend named Greg. He was actually modelled after Greg Brady from the Brady Bunch! My father was always hot and cold with me. Looking back, I wonder if “Greg” was an early form of limerance.
Thank you fairly! I listened to them previously. When I listen to it again, I hear different informations that I didn't hear. I feel like I am healing and growing with everyone here. Thank everyone for your participation, in this community.
I wish I’d had a crappy childhood fairy 30 years .. limerence consumed my life .. between limerence and my addictions , my life has been a mess .. it turned a corner a few years ago .. enjoying my life alone now , much improvement needed , but somethings like friends and relationships seem as far from possible as at any time in the past
Limmerence and me Don't be afraid child I always say, i have trauma on love. But i know saying that does not really translate to people who don't have the experience The word limmerence helps me to talk clearer about how it operates. What happens in limmerence is the reliving of the trauma of experiencing 'unlove' ( that is finding out there is no love where and when you expected it) as a child. The trauma is an explanation for the depth of despair, it is not just you are confused about what is love as a grown up, you relive the experience of unlove and the devastation of a child when you feel rejected. It litteraly feels like dying. And because the little child is dependent of the parents for actual and emotional survival that feeling of dying is realistic for the child. The limmerence is the coping mechanism, it is the phantasy you had as a child of love as it should be ( not just your phantasy but filled in with the romantic unrealistic stories of the culture). It was a phantasy you used to survive a situation that was not survivable. ( in cruel scientific inquiery in germany with not giving orphans love, it showed that babies can die of lack of love) . If i am in limmerence i am actually looking for this unrealistic love. I tell myself that any attention given to me is actually (maybe? for sure!) love. I might even overlook real love offered to me in that moment. The limmerence is when you go a bit ( or a lot) crazy. And it has a reason, it is because part of you is seriously convinced that if you cant get the love you were aiming for you will die. If you can be aware of the devastation of the inner child behind this behaviour you can step back, turn around and console it. And that is the end of it. That sounds simple but it took me half my life to find out, And it still takes me a lot of effort to do it. And if i turn around the experience is actually beautiful. Did you know that healing trauma is a breathtaking beautiful experience? Someone once said to me something that sums this up: 'The worst already happened' Because the worst is that you as a child felt like you were not loved and part of you was dying. And you survived that. Now nothing that can happen and nothing anyone can do can be worse than that. Don't be afraid. I really liked that and it works for me. Berbel
Such a great video, Fairy, you just look so radiant!......I thank that "other girl" every day, resulted in the biggest opportunity to say F NO and move on into healing.
Thank you give me a name for what I do - lime ranch. I’ve just discovered you on UTube . I have CPTSD and at 67 it has crippled me at times. Unfortunately my therapists haven’t touched the subject. I’ll keep watching you with a glimmer of hope. Thanks for what you do. ❤
Same here. I lost so much time and opportunities. And even friends because i tried to tell what happened but could not get clear or out of the loop and people got fed up with me.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with not being in a romantic relationship. Some people just aren't cut out for it. Sure, it's reasonable to want love and relationships, but that does not have anything to do with romance or sex. Please don't put the idea out there that people need to find a romantic partner to be happy. That's not true ir even realistic. Some people are actually addicted to that belief and remain unhappy because they don't find it rather than learning to find happiness and contentment in the relationships they do have. You can find fulfilment and build great relationships with family and platonic friends. Especially for people with trauma and mental illness. Romantic relationships are not necessarily safe or feasable for everyone. That's not the only way to have security and fulfillment.
I wish I could take the courses you offer. Lord know I am ready to fully heal. At this point, it's not about being in a relationship or getting married. I need me to be okay a 💯. Thank you so much for your videos. Please don't stop doing the work many of us are healing from.
The daily practice has helped me so much. It’s amazing how things I carried with me all my life just disappeared. Of course there are new challenges after that but at least I have tools in my chest now. Very grateful. Thank you.
I stumbled on your channel. Not looking for it, but it popped into my suggested playlist. Wow! I can't tell you how helpful your videos have been for me. I've struggled with the effects of the traumas from my childhood for years. I've gone through the process of learning and healing from a lot of it over the years, but seemed to come to a plateau, even a roadblock. Your videos have really helped me go to the next level of "Aha moments". Thank you.
I’m stuck in limerance with someone who doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. We had a non relationship for 9 months or so. We met once, it never worked out again. We both have trauma, I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. I don’t understand what happened really except “he’s not the same person he was last summer” I have HUGE abandonment/ rejection issues. I can’t get past the hurt and think of him often.
I’m a 16 year old girl. I fell in “love” with another girl ( my first girl crush) in 6th grade. Once the brain starts developing a new routine cycle, you can’t help the new pattern. I know I’m over her, but the fantasy world I dreamt up from when I needed to get away from the world is still here. We were friends so I kept being friends with her (secretly wanting to date her) but she wasn’t the best friend to me but I didn’t care and only took the bare minimum of what she did and romanticized the situation of what it rlly isn’t. And she would talk to me but when she got into a relationship would ignore me so it was the common hot and cold situation. It wasn’t until tonight her on and off gf reposted how she made her feel like the prettiest girl the world, and that’s when I had a enough because I felt a pierce in my chest. I don’t even want her anymore. It’s just the thousands of dreams and distractions I made in the time period I needed to cope with. So I unadded her off of all social media, because I’m getting ready to be grown in two years, and I want bigger things in my life and to find TRUE love. man or woman. It’s time to cut everything that’s dragging me down out while I still can!!
I'm a Dismissive Avoidant and my husband is Fearful Avoidant. It feels safe not having to go too deep with eachother. But, I really crave deep intimacy and connection.
This video has already (2/3 through) covered all 3 major relationships in my life! Jason, Mike & Kevin I don't know if I will ever be in another serious relationship again. But regardless of the future.... I will pursue me. I will get to know me and learn what I enjoy doing. Also I will discover new things, new hobbies & new exciting experiences. I recommend this video!
the moment he told you he only wants to be friends ...... I would of leaned back and no longer engaged .... you want something more and he does not,,,,, you are prolonging your limerence recovery by duping the friend thing..... move on in silence wish him well and end communication.... the longer you stay with a person who told you the absolute truth about not wanting a relationship .... you are wasting time..... go on the pursuit of a reciprocal relationship... you got this.... take a soul vacation then go live life .....
This is a so frustrating ‘case’. I can even feel the energy of frustration listening to your reading the story. But I understand for someone who’s still unhealed from childhood trauma the logic & common sense are so ‘frustrating’. Clearly in this case someone has to be sounding mean to her ( by stating facts & telling the truths)for the reason that she has been mean to herself by believing her delusions & fantasy. Best wishes to her for finding true love from & for herself, before others can truely love her🙏
Its useful to stop being spiritually gullible. I know that when I was asking him to be more concise about his spiritual blabber he would get silent and not know how to confuse me anymore.
Ohh I’m trying to stop this Limerence with my ex kinda on of boyfriend.. we have been on and off for 11 months! We are intimate together when we’re not arguing ‘ and we can have beautiful conversations when we’re in a good space.. but he has a (dismissive avoidant attachment style ) also schizoid disorder - and my attachment style is (anxious, preoccupied, ).. the problem is I’m very spiritual too and I’ve been meditating ( letting go of him ) surrendering, releasing unhealthy attachment, I know, are stored in my nuro pathways and letting in what is right for me ) As what is right for me will not pass me bye !! But I’m still in Limerence with him - no matter what I do he’s on my mind, we live in the same small village and drink in the same old small pub.. we hang around in the same social circle as well, so that’s difficult and I’m not giving up my friends because of him and he won’t just because of me .. !! .. this is nutts !
About the multiple numbers....unfortunately, I know EXACTLY what this is!! This young woman blocked him in an effort to create a safe space for herself. There are MANY services that will allow you to "create" a new phone number on their platform so that your ACTUAL phone number is not being used. This allowed the man to reach out to her, using a phone number that isn't blocked on her device. It's a tricky work around when someone doesn't respect another person's boundaries. I hope she's in a better emotional place by now. EVERYONE deserves basic respect!
The definition of lime Renfe is: Limerence is a state of mind resulting from romantic feelings for another person. It typically involves intrusive and melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection, along with a desire for the reciprocation of one's feelings and to form a relationship with the object of love. what’s wrong with this? Isn’t this love? Now to stop doing this with someone you can’t have. Is another focal point.
I love this woman. She is brilliant and so incredibly helpful ❤️ I've needed this guidance and help so many years ago. Glad I found you now. Thankyou❤❤❤
Interesting letter. Girl meets boy - she has a rural homestead and is there alone, cut off from the crowds, by choice. Of course she is an avoidant. But sounds like he wanted a mate. Thought he found one but intimacy too challenging for them, he had integrity though and acted as a distant buddy, protector and stepped up a few when she ran into an accomodation problem and she only has seasonal incomes and is a rover. He is financially and accomodation steady and is helping her out whenever she needs help. He is now her genuine friend. A good friend to her. But, this is not a possibility for her or him as a long term relationship. However, if he and she do not intend to meet new romantic/sexual partners going into their futures, then they could be each others Golden Girls for the future. Apart from men (who will not be her solution), she has other things to focus on in her life as a priority - her future accomodation and income! Very important! She needs to do this.
"Don't fall in love with the potential of somebody, the potential of somebody is the fantasy of how (you think, may I add) they should be". Completely accurate and a very reliable advice, thanks!
Yes!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Absolutely true . U can fall in love with the fantasy, but it is not who they really are, and its not fair on them either .
Why would she go to a city when it sounds like she likes the pastoral life
Exactly
As if people have all these options available to them and can pick someone with all the requirements right there. Most people settle for what is available.
You can do it. You can heal. I did it after being obsessed with someone completely unavailable. The pain was almost unbearable and my mental health plummeted. It took me a few years but I did the work to change because I never wanted to ever go through this again. God bless all of you going through this. There is life after a limerant relationship.
Can you give me any tips please ? What can I start doing to help myself get over a person who does not want me anymore
@Commentator. Thank you, there is hope for me then. It is hard and pain are recurring. Thanks x
@@sunnysunflower5513 I believe most sources would tell you this: concentrate on your life and your inner sense of self. This is what I am trying to do with my life now. I had to end my friendship/limerant-ship and it’s been kinda tough. But it was for the best to do this. I didn’t use exactly the phrases Anna suggests, but I believe I did fairly well. He was/is avoidant, so I figured he might just be relieved that I laid everything out to end it. However, like Anna mentions, there’s still some hurt feelings that will only get uglier if we were to extend things (or try to) as “friends”.
@@sunnysunflower5513first of all, forget platitudes because this is a fight.
- acknowledge negative feelings but do not linger. Every time the rejection pops into your brain, say out loud, "yeah, that sucks but I'm ready to move on." This will help interrupt your thought process so you can get on with your day.
-I cannot stress enough how right Anna is about staying away from this person. On social media and in real life. If you have mutual friends, you're just going to have to forego some social events for right now. Think of it as the cost of doing business to help yourself heal.
- pick a project or a hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with a member of the opposite sex and complete it.
- after a rejection, I make a list of tasks to complete. The night before I fill up my entire day the next day, I make sure every minute is accounted for even brushing my teeth and getting dressed.. then the next day I go through the list, I complete the tasks and check them off. That way if my brain starts to spiral into a negative or limerent direction I pull up the list and keep going it gets me back into reality and helps me keep up with self-care even when I'm feeling rejection.
These are things that helped me I hope they help you too.
I have just realized and heard about limerance .
I had Malignant Narc female bio parent and in-laws and spouse. With decades of no positive relationships, I fell into the fantasy world. Oh ! The fantasy world is soooooo good.
But my logical brain was in fight that it cannot be true or real. I snapped my logical brain and went into fantasy.
Accidentally I came across info on Limerence.
First thing I did was to acknowledge that it was not my fault or the other. My logical brain took hold slowly.
Now I have a list of 10 things to do as daily routine which includes meditation, reading, walking etc and this is acting and helping me to be grounded and to live in present and not future day dreaming which is what limerance does. I am almost out of limerance this time. I will be working with that person but no more fantasy or dreaming as I am out of it.
Thanks for your work Anna
I'd like to piggy back off this as a former tarot reader. There is no such thing as a twin flame, they are never coming back, those that say they are reunited twin flames either just have happened to work things out or are scamming you. I quit tarot reading because i found 99% of people wanting tarot readings wanted love readings and were limerent.
What a good ethical descision. I tend to see it as a bad sign if i turn to tarot, it means someone confuses me and i cant get clarity with them trying to get clarity elsewhere to be able to maintain the relationship.
Gosh, as a formerly limerent person, I'm so glad I never fell into the twin flame community. So toxic and delusional.
Gosh can I tell you I have had an obsession with psychic readings regarding a limeranr situation which is so difficult and I just ‘needed to know’ even though of all the psychics I have doormen with and I’m talking MANY I would have spent 10,000 dollars and nothing ever came true , but it kept me hanging on. So so dangerous. Finally coming out the other side but gosh it was so hard
@@Msannaberbthat is a great way to think and be. It can get addictive let me tell you. It’s fucked up i know
Agreed-- I was a psychic who quit because I found that near 100% of people were grieving, and they were not ready to hear the outcome couldn't change.
I have someone’s number in my phone listed as “Limerence” and when he called out the blue recently trying to “hook up” - seeing “Limerence” on caller id gave me a positive jolt of reality - like “oh 🤔, this bullsh*t” instead of the hurtful cycle of excitement/disappointment I’d get if I saw his name.
Nope. I didn’t hook up and haven’t spoken to him since, just like I hadn’t prior to that.
I truly get it now and it feels so good. Best to you all ❤
Wow! What a fabulous idea!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you all for what you do!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
😂 I lije this one
This is such a great idea. Thank you.
Beautiful idea!! I’m going to use this and share :)
Thank you. I was chasing someone and the person was annoyed. I was able to pull myself by saying, "This is limerence, not love."
Excellent progress!
-Cara@TeamFairy
" Love lifts you high, it kisses away danger, you feel safe with true love".
Agree, but limerence tricks me into feeling like I'm in love with my LO. And that it is true love.. On the surface, it looks like it. Kissing her picture on my nightstand seems so genuine and right. Even innocent and sweet. Yet it's a creepy, bullshit fraudulent fantasy that my mind won't let go. Because it's as good things can get right now. And to be honest, that's really the truth. At least in my life it is.
@MarkJoseph omg I thought i was the only one who did this. I'm glad I stopped because i really had a chokehold on myself... 😢 ugh. Coping mechanisms keep us afloat but trapped
@@RUsMJ21495what does LO stand for
The timing of this video’s release is unbelievable.
For me too, unbelievable! The videos are often about what i need at that moment.
Facts! ❤
ME TOO
Same girl same!
Don’t let men come back, foot in the door to come and go as they please …gradually breaking you down. Quit getting played.
Hes being used by her
it feels like no one else in the world is talking about the very specific struggle of limerence. thank you, Anna, the “crappy childhood fairy”. you’re doing many people a great service by opening a door to a difficult reality that many of us are afraid to look at. it’s hard and hurtful at first to say “gee, maybe this person doesn’t really want me in the way i wish they would”. but watching your videos give me hope that there is a healthier, greener pasture beyond compulsive obsession, unhealthy attachment, and low self worth.
Exactly!!! Never even knew such a word exists in spite reading soooo many psycho literature and visiting therapist for years!
Once I finally faced reality and ended the madness a real person showed up for a real relationship. And the feelings I have for them are just as good, only better
The good Fairy is not kidding when she says limerence is a parasite that sucks the life out of you. I'm having my life currently sucked out now due to all the emotions I am feeling. I am depressed, not interested in doing anything or changing for the better. The only happiness or high I'm getting is seeing my LO. Even in the face of rejection or her ignoring me, I make up excuses that it will all work out in the end. That she's going to like me one day and we'll live happily ever after. Wtf is wrong with me?? This is worse than any drug addiction in my opinion. My sadness is out of control. God help anyone else who feels this way today. I hate it, yet love the high too much to stop it.
Hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Just remember, a lot of us were deep into limerence, we touched the "don't even want to get better" levels of depression, yet here we are. Now we have hobbies, fulfilling careers, people around us with whom we can share our incredible love, and they are safe and they appreciate it. It's possible. I know it can seem so far away, so unreachable, because that's exactly how it felt for me. I promise you, one day you will just be alone at your home, maybe reading, maybe drawing, maybe sipping some tea, and you will feel so grateful for your own company and enjoy the simple thing you're doing, without the need for anyone to validate you in order to enjoy that. And you will just smile. Maybe even laugh out loud in delight :) Because us who went through this shit know how to appreciate that peace of mind very well. Stay strong, we're all rooting for you ❤️
@@littlehuman7028 Thanks my friend. I think half of my problem is the fact I am alone all the time anyway. I am an only-child and my own children do not live with me. I have a hard time attracting women and am filled with regret for the reasons surrounding my divorce 12 years ago...
My LO came into view by sheer accident. I never planned to crush so hard over her. I mean I thought she was always very attractive and I would see her around at work every day, but when our eyes met for the first time, I fell hard and fast, like a plane falling out of the sky. I have never felt this way about anybody in my life. Haven't been the same since. Its crazy.. So this is all new uncharted territory for me.
Thanks for sharing your story, my heart goes out to you for your pain. I can relate. I have yet to see any letters the fairy reads coming from a man experiencing limerence, so your comment is enlightening and balancing to the picture.
@@colleenanderson6469 There was a letter she read from a man in one of the earlier limerence vids. Not sure which one. I have connected with a few other men on here who experience this. Good not to be alone in the struggle.
@@RUsMJ21495 I hope your doing well and I’m sorry you have gone through this like so many of us have.I let 10 years of my life pass and I kept taking him back for him to leave again. trauma bond, the legend Limerence sucks.I just wanted to say hello and I see you had ruby in your profile. I work at a little Italian restaurant named Ruby’s recipes.
Love to all sufferers here. 40 years of this. I wish I had these videos when I was 14. I thought I was the only one. Exhausting. Never thought I'd get to this age. We must be stronger than we think x
I ended it. And I don’t feel good about it. He wanted friendship, I wanted love. I believe he wanted “friends with benefits”. But it was so nice having someone admiring in my life.
I ended it also, just last night. I was limerent for years, which faded to a friendship, but for my own well-being, I walked away from even that. I would never be able to forget the dark years… and I also don’t feel good. In the end, he valued my friendship, but I would secretly always wish we could have had more.
Learning about limerence was one of the best things to happen to me. It's helping me to get over my most recent break up. I'm not holding onto hope this time. It's actually a refreshing feeling. So thank you, Anna...
You are so welcome! I know it can be difficult trying to stop that sort of thinking, but it is so worth it. Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Absolutely SAME here!!! There’s actually a name for what I’m dealing with and the fact that I have felt destroyed inside is valid. It’s time to move on now.
The fact that you say that there is no end to limerence absolutely terrifies me.
But there are solutions!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I often wonder myself how will I ever heal from this. How will I feel true, genuine, reciprocated love and happiness.. When my LO gives me so much empty happiness.
She foes not say that there is no end to limerance: it says that you need to come clean, expres your felings and, so, do the step to transforme that into a close relationship or a REAL relationship. Just be careful because if you do not worck at yourself, you will dump the person you are whit for another limerance, later in time.
I’ve been living in the limerance hell for 2 years and no end in sight 😣
I’m confused… there’s no end? But yet you can heal from this… which one is it
Thus may sound weird but as much as I wouldn't want anyone to suffer this emotional turmoil, I'm glad that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
For me the hardest part is that whenever I like someone I get so weird and nervous in their presence, available or not, that the fact I like them MAKES them unavailable because I can't act normally and they will never get to know my actual personality.
It's less about fantasy about them and more about suffering from my own inability to form a relationship with anyone I am actually interested in, because its just so painful when I can't be authentic. 😌
I hear you, I know it can be incredibly challenging trying to form new relationships. Anna offers a course called 'Dating and Relationships' that sounds like a great fit for you, here is the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Calista@TeamFairy
I agree it sucks
This is me for sure
You summarise everything deep within me 😢
Me too...
People are what they do & love is not about how you feel for them but how they treat you!🙏🏻
Officially 17 years single and last dated 4 years ago. At 56 I'm pretty content. I moved jobs and suddenly have found myself attracted to an older colleague. It escalated really quickly and in the last week I let him know. I have been totally rejected. This is how I found out about Limerence. OMG what a relevation!
I now have to question every previous relationship.
Ouch. I hope you find a beautiful reciprocal love affair.
See this is making me feel like I have always been lied to about every value I ever thought I brought to any situation. Nobody likes me and so I need to stop living and trying because it does not bring any value and I am obviously worthless because no one really loves me and I love everyone (juxtaposed to me in this life) too much. Without some little limerence, what joy do I have to look forward to in my life? It really doesn't matter to me if folks love me back anymore. I've already learned that no one really loves me...
And...I'll add... Just because someone is "older," it doesn't necessarily make them more mature. An older, immature person has just been repeating their bad habits for a lot longer. Your revelation is gold!
Woww 😢 so much relatable.i used to keep older people at high regards but they aren't that special n mature.may be we are seeking parents😢@@GeometryMatters
Hi Anna. I don't know the ethnicity of the young lady with the narcissistic partner, but African Americans sometimes say "I caught feelings". It simply means that you find yourself having feelings for someone that you never wanted or intended to be in a relationship with. It's "caught", like a cold, because it is totally unexpected and often unwanted for whatever reason. Just thought I'd help you out with this as you may hear it again. You are so amazing in the work that you are doing here on TH-cam. Please keep the videos coming, as they are incredibly helpful.
Yeah, I’m a 40 year old dude. but I’ve heard it on social media quite often and have used it myself a couple of times 😂😂
Great insight, thank you!
Almost all thr younger generation use it. Wow.
I’ve definitely dealt with that….
But you don’t catch a cold so there that🥴
“Limerence is an escape into fantasy , that’’s all it is” - the mantra everyone in an L.E should start their day with , I’m going to use this going forward !
what is L.E.?
@@Msannaberb Limerent experience 👍
It's very similar to drug addiction, my fantasy ex is a stoner and an avoidant so I'm convinced we have a trauma bond. It's infuriating not to get a grip on this, I just got sucked in again after a year, known this guy for 20 years, been treated like crap and he's devoid of giving real affection, I know this guy sucks and is totally wrong for me, I feel this one got through the net and I need to throw him back in the sea!!!, i am self aware with this I need to control it.
Limerence feels a lot like OCD. Obsessive, compulsive, intrusive, ruminating thoughts that have no actual basis and purpose in reality but cause severe distress. The thought of them causes anxiety and the thought of losing the ritual of thinking about the object of your limerence feels just like it feels when you try to stop OCD rituals. For some people the only way to treat OCD is with anti anxiety medication and therapy. Could limerence be a type of OCD ritual? Could that be the reason why it ends when and if you actually have a relationship with the person (immersion)? I can control the fantasy, I can't control the actual relationship or experience. Just like an OCD ritual. Could it stem from not being able to control sexual or romantic feelings or experiences at a young age? CBT is helpful for OCD. Could it work for limerence? Just something to think about. Thank you Anna for all you do! You are saving so many people, including myself. God bless you!
I can admit to a degree that OCD has a place in my behavior patterns. Not overbearing but I am a neat freak. Especially about dirt in my car. Or things being tidy and orderly around the house.
Comparing to limerence works, but if I don't get around to vacuuming or tidying up, I don't get emotional. Unlike I do when things don't go my way, especially when it comes to my LO.. I can become emotional, moody and sad quite often. Usually breaking down. It's like a roller coaster. I feel like with her, it's a whole new level of feelings I struggle to understand. It's something I never saw coming. And I pray God will help me figure it out. I also am curious if some of the reason I am this way is because the lack of control I experienced with love and sexual desires in my younger years.
Thank you for saying this, I felt the same way
I was in limerence, I believe. He was far away and treated me terribly. Hopefully I know better now.
I feel like there is a physical connection with mental stuff.. like parasites and certain toxins and needing to detox those.❤ rather than trying to go toward another parasite and keep the toxicity going, cleanse the body , cleanse the mind. (Heart)
I went out with one of my Limerence fantasy men once and he was actually pretty awful, terrible anger issues, compulsive liar, and I ended up leaving him. So, limerence doesn't mean the person's actually good for you or heals your Limerence from the next one. 😂 That's why I'm here!
He’s going to meet someone and make her move out. She will leave some things behind for whatever reason. Then he and the new woman will be very insistent that she get ALL her stuff out NOW. I’ve seen this happen to two women in the process of divorce, and this involved what has been their own houses. It’s really humiliating to be pushed out into the cold and the door closed so they can get on with their happy life together. Please get your own place, or a female roommate.
wow i spent 5 years in a “twin flame” dynamic only to realize it was just limerence. i wish i would’ve heard about this back then, i feel like i ruined my life tbh.
I understand the feeling, but it's absolutely not too late. I'm so glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I just left someone I can't have and i am relieved. Oh my God its peaceful
"even though they are happy to have you on the periphery of their life" It might be too strong a word but I have to say limerence is one bad, wasteful self-imposed humiliation. I know the pulling power of it. Very important (and hard) to stop limerence.
How do you stop it?
@@cheesedip1 In my case it was mainly: having enough of humiliating myself. Plus having a real life partner helps too.
@@cheesedip1 You could just tell yourself not to pursue the LO. But its not that easy, I get it. Another option is the LO goes away. Which is no fault of yours (or I guess it could be) but not having them in view is helpful. Because then not seeing them, by default, you are releasing them from your mind. Doesn't mean you won't miss them though.
It's a bitch no matter what happens, so good luck with whatever method you do use to stop limerence.
@RubysDude My limerant object absolutely went away, in no uncertain terms,and has remained perfectly No Contact ever since, but that did not stop me from obsessing about the future plans we had made, or from nurturing the hope, even the conviction, that he would return. It has taken me an embarrassing number of years, and finding Anna 9 months ago, to finally release me. Mostly.
That's a good question. I been there and done that. And maybe limerence was the very thing or one of the things that aided me in growing out. It takes, and should take time.
I was skeptical about this concept of Limerence. Part of the problem was, the word sounds so nice - like a little village in Ireland. And, I’m very careful about online bandwagons. But I’ve evaluated the idea for about a year through yours and other sites and yes, limerence is real. And it describes my mental habits precisely. I’ve practiced it for, well, for my whole life, tied in with maladaptive daydreaming, and OCD.
Seeing this series on limerence has shown me a big corner I need to turn. And I accept that limerence is toxic to me, unlike that little village.
But turning that corner will be tough. I’ve got to strategize about this; this lifetime pattern is second nature to me.
And I thank you, Anna.
"a little village in Ireland" LOL that's really funny! I get it though, limerence is a tornado that doesn't stop with a sweet name :) You can do this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I hope the Irish government doesn't complain that this will hurt their tourism.
@@brianarbenz7206haha it sounds like Limerick indeed and most tourists should best avoid there anyway 😂😂😂
@@jenster29 Limerence is a place tourists only fantasize about visiting. It's inaccessible, but some people feel they just have to go there, so they obsess on it.
@@brianarbenz7206 You are brilliant!
I used to call this kind of the phenomenon of the 'INFP getting attached to the ISTP', but then I realized that it's part of a much deeper and more sinister pattern. For me it manifested as trying to seek out the kind of people that reminded me of my father, very aloof, detached 'technical' people, and trying desperately to get them to recognize my emotions as valid. But I'm sure it would work differently for different personality styles; in any case, it's a pattern that is beyond sick.
Those INFP things are really baseless so you know. Pop psych is turning mental health into a horoscope.
So essentially you went to pop psych when all you needed was basic Freud…
@X MBTI is just useful shorthand for talking about very broad categories of personality, it doesn't have to be literal. But I'm sure your comment was a thinly veiled accusation that I lack intelligence for referring to that, right?
I totally understand this. Hugs towards your recovery!
Yes, this!
Thank you, Anna! ❤️ I thankfully don’t struggle with limerence towards any people physically around me (likely because I never leave the house) but I have a huge issue with limerence over people online. It feels safer and allows my mind to fill in the blanks with my own preferences for their character instead of having to face the reality of an actual mutual relationship. I also grew up using dissociation to cope with the daily stress and abuse and limerent daydreams are a form of that coping mechanism.
Agreed
@Louis76 ❤
@@InHisSservice ❤
I was also dissociating quite oftenly and heavy into all kinds of daydreams, usually limerent (still it comes up, but not nearly as much as in my teen years). It's comforting to hear someone going through something similar. I told a psychologist about my dissociations, they said it was normal. Daydreams I didn't even mention since they were SO normal to me, I didn't even consider they might be harmful to my life. Every time I approached anyone for help, they would tell me I was fine (I seem to others as a high achiever, could be that). I wasn't feeling fine since 11 years old (even before that, but I didn't have the ability to realize it). It seemed so hard working on my mental health because the world just didn't respond with anything to my pleas. I'm so thankful to see people who go through similar things as I do, and that, yes, there is something I can do to change how I feel. Thank you. Stay awesome ❤️
I am the same way
I think limerence is the primary tool used by catfish. I wish everyone could learn about limerence. This is a completely new vocabulary word for me, but I'm recognizing the behavior in myself. Thank you for creating your channel and talking about this.
Are you saying that catfish use limerence to their advantage to use against people who fall in love easily and in a misguided way?
I keep seeing this catfish thing what does this term mean pleads
@@Breeandfree I'd say it's when someone says and does things that lead you to believe they're available romantically/sexually for you but then they have no intention of any real step forward and they have no problem just cutting ties completely at any point in time. There's lots of reasons people will lead others on like this and it never comes from a healthy place but the limerence we can have for them doesn't come from a healthy place either. That's why it's important to make your intentions/feelings clear early on because it's always better to get rejected by a catfish early than to keep getting lead on and then dropped after it all
@@phillfraggy Yes, I am saying that they take advantage of limerance and use it as part of the con. They're very good at coming up with reasons why they're not available but pretending they want to be more than anything. That's how they string their victims along.
@@Breeandfree Catfishing is a deliberate, malicious con. They communicate through email, google chat or whatsapp. They will spend months building a relationship in terms of friendship and then romance. They will have a reason why they cannot talk on the phone of do a video call. (i.e. deployed) then they will start to ask for money. Like your login to your Netflix account, which gives them access to your billing info, request an apple gift card, etc.Victims of catfish have literally been conned out of thousands and thousands of dollars.
Been limerent for 7 years after a 5 month relationship. She has been no contact since then. My pain is well deserved. Spent a lifetime crushing souls without a second thought. My focus turned to being kind to others, animals, the environment etc. The pain and regret of my actions are as a part of me as one of my limbs. I have people and animals that depend on me to hold myself together and function lovingly and responsibly. I've tried to let go, I really have, it's just not happening for me. I'm almost 67 and I'm grateful for your channel. Love and light to you all.
Let go !!! It’s time focus on something real ❤
My entire life has been one limerence object after the next.
I'm constantly hung up on emotionally manipulative and abusive women. My dad cheated on my mom and left us when I was 6 with his affair. My mom was destroyed and completely emotionally unavailable and abusive my entire life. I tried so hard to get love from her. I would shape shift. I became a helpless, people pleasing codependent, simply trying to feel safe in my own house.
That turned into me playing the "hero" and "fixer" role, always attaching to women with BPD/NPD, or extreme avoidance. The idealization/devaluation cycles, push-pull cycles, or fleeting moments of affection LITERALLY make me addicted. I've been replaying my trauma my entire life. Constantly obsessed in getting the love from someone who is literally incapable of giving it. When I'm inevitably distanced from or discarded by people with these issues, it triggers everything in me and I develop extreme love addiction and limerence. I just crave the love I never got as a kid. It was there, and then it was gone. I just want it back.
Trauma and CPTSD is so god damn fucked up.
Man I relate to this so hard. Wish you the best of luck :)
I’m grateful everyday that I’ve healed from this. I can’t thank all re amazing people that have made such a difference in my journey.
🦋
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When a man says "I want a messages only friendship", that's a huge warning sign. Wish him well and let him go.
Limerence - when I look back at those who I had had this with - I was looking for them to really see me, to hear me, to help me - to save me ! Father figures. Authority figures in my life. As Nicole Sachs says, there ain't no one coming to save you honey - u have to save yourself !
The irony behind this post is that you have to remember that all people no matter how confident they appear are insecure and needy
Why because humans are built for human connection
Therefore you have to realize that people who make successful connections to other people have the same voids that people who do not make connections with people have
Therefore some of the most insecure and needy people are the ones that strategically try to secure a long-term relationship because they do not want to deal with being alone and they will do anything to avoid that
There is nothing wrong with any of us who have a healthy capacity to love ourselves and others and literally seek human connection it is completely and totally normal I appreciate it
@@aaronmcpeakofficial6256I so agree
With Limerance you should ask yourself: “Do I actually want a relationship with this person? Or do I just want to be this person?”. I found this to be the case in my own experience. I saw everything in her I lacked and longed for in myself instead of seeing myself for who I am. Such a bitter pill to down but it was definitely the truth for me.
You will KNOW if he loves you. Never have to wonder....Promise
I have been limerent on a breadcrumber. I'm waking up.
Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Much appreciated! Thank you!
"You're holding him to a standard that was once in your mind, was once in the past."
Honesty is critical!! I’ve wasted 30 years this way!!!!❤❤❤
As someone who has been suffering for 7years with limerence with absolutely no end in sight and nobody to have these convos with - THANK YOU!!!! I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
A life can only be built in what is happening…. And facing the truth 😢
my Limerence ended when He gave me a STD, well not gave but had and for a LONG time shows Ignorance is Not BLISS
I really love the format of reading these letters to the viewers. They're like little movies (cautionary tales) with protagonists that we, as traumatized viewers, relate to on a deep level. Not trying to downplay the hurt and trauma of the people who send the letters, just saying that it's really grounding to listen to your advice and how you re-frame what's happened in a way that's really helpful to the audience and to the person who sent the letter. 🥺 Thank you for being in this world, Anna! 💕
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Agreed! It helps me apply the same logic to my similar situations. This format is so awesome!
Yes...this format is extremely good for listening to as it takes it out of 'theory', the thing is we also hear these stories and feel compassion for the ones in the stories where we could not feel for ourselves. Hey, it's probably useful for Anna too.
I like what you said. The older you get the less you need a marriage. Companionship friendship without the annoyance of someone underfoot. Maybe that's avoidance but you have to live the way it's comfortable for you when you no longer have the job of raising children. I noticed this couple is raising cats together. I know a couple who took ten years to get divorced after separating. Neither one can get in a relationship with anyone else. Now they are old and it ain't going to change. After my second marriage ended in my fifties l never wanted to get married again. Lots of seniors are like this. I got caught in a fantasy situation during Covid and now I'm in limerance with someone. It's a trauma bond. Not making me happy
The amount of content you give us, thank you!!!!
Thank you very much and this has opened by eyes. My father was absent emotionally and he was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and my mother. At 44 I know that I've been chasing for my father's approval that will never come. So I've chased after emotionally distant and unavailable men. Never heard of this word limerance until your videos. Will do more listening and reading about it. Lots to unpack here.
This video genuinely means a lot to me. I have struggled deeply with limerence for my entire life. I have never been able to put a name on it until I found you. I ended up in an abusive marriage in my 20s and thankfully got out. For two years, the trauma and pain was enough to keep me from limerence. But recently, I have found myself entangled with someone totally unavailable. This video has really helped me process my feelings and challenged me for the better. Thank you a million.
It was the cheating that finally made me end it. But it was all of the many terrible things before that which I ignored, which were very clear indications that this was wrong. So the cheating was the excuse I could use. I wasted my best marrying/children years doing it that way. See the signs, listen to your gut, and walk away as soon as you know. Good people are out there.
My goodness… so many emotions inside my heart i feel suffocated… cptsd.. limerence.. also feeling understood by you through this video. The hardest thing in life is letting go people you know you can’t have .. knowing you both can’t be together in this lifetime.
I've spent years with a guy who is just as desperately clinging to me as I to him, I had the fantasy that his cold, narcissist shell would crack and he'd turn into that loving, sensitive man I saw the potential for in him, he had the fantasy that I'd submit to his ideas of who I should be and turn into the perfect trophy girlfriend that looks like a model and never talks back. I think we did love each other as much as it's possible for people like us but it was such a tortured mess and we still profess to each other that we want to figure it out and be together and refuse to move on while I just can't become that thing he wants because it feels like admitting my worth is tied to my appearance and it doesn't feel like I'm really loved and he can't give up on his demands and step away from his self centeredness.
A lot of us seem to see limitless potential in others for no good reason. The Dating & Relationships course is hugely helpful in reframing our thinking about good partners . bit.ly/CCF-Dating
-Cara@TeamFairy
I read a book called "Shrinking Yourself" by Roger Gould about emotional eating that was the best counseling for many issues beyond weight. A part that really resonating with me was about wanting people to love me the way I am. In reality, I needed to take care of myself for my own health (self-love) and not stay overweight just to be able to prove that someone could love me when I was not perfect.(Due to childhood abandonment) It was changing my focus on taking care of myself. hint: if after you hit your fitness goals, someone starts picking at new areas or changes the goal line of being healthy and active to being a model, either drop them completely or gently remind them that when they have the wealth of Tom Brady, Donald Trump or Prince William, they can just forget about the supermodel (you or any other woman)!
@@c.w.8200this man is projecting his own extreme self loathing on to you. He will never be able to cope with any illness, scar or disability in himself or others. There are hundreds of thousands of men with this personality. It is not all men but a great many. I am so glad you didn't allow his bullying self loathing consume your loving heart. I hope you find what you seek in a kind reciprocal nurturing partner. I have surrendered to the fact it might never happen to me in my 40s after two cruel marriages to highly narcissistic men but I have learnt snippets of self respect and self value which have lent me peace of mind from seeking or desiring a partner who simply won't reciprocate.
Can we also focus on the fact that some people don’t have the capacity to love deeply and feel strong emotions. It’s not like they’re withholding. This was an aha moment for me when I got this.
The lyrics from Not the doctor by Alanis Morissette comes to mind: "I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you". I remind myself that my partner does not want that as much as I don't want my partner to do that to me.
I have an avoidant attachment style so instead of forming these obsessive relationships with ppl i knew in real life i would get obsessed with celebrities and even fictional characters! I know it sounds ridiculous but I can’t fall in love with a “real” person to save my life even though I got better at coping with limerence.
Thinking about it now, it was a smart strategy, bc as a teen 1) I wasn’t allowed to date and 2) i had poor social skills.
I relate to this! It makes me feel crazy but there seem to be a fair few people who do this, hope you can heal your attatchment wounds ❤
As I'm listening to this, I'm thinking "Lauren, you do NOT need someone who gets 'blackout drunk'!"
Thank you so much for everything you do. You’ve awakened healing in me through knowledge and advice that no therapy has ever been able to.
I use to get obsessed with people when I was younger and I'm so happy watching this today bc this will help me thank u so much 😊😊😊
I completely relate to Freya, only I am twice her age and was in a 12year relationship with a person very much like this. Good for her for recognizing this right way and taking action and looking for help.
Anna is so real here. We all need a friend like this in our lives
Dear Freya... Run away from that guy and do NOT look back!!!! The whole time the Fairy was reading your letter, I was shaking my head saying, Nope nope nope!!! Trust me... you deserve so much better than this abusive excuse of a man. Best wishes! ❤
🎉i watch you all the time i am 74
I have ALWAYS done this. It's awful.
Excellent advice. This applies as well to someone you SHOULDN'T have. Someone your guts tell you, even if he WAS available, isn't for you.
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow Anna, after hearing a letter like that, with so much going on, you head in with the most incredible courage, compassion and skill, that it is just mesmerizing. Your practical but empathetic guidance is a rarity and I pray the people who are writing to you for help are taking to heart, your sensible, pragmatic advice. You’re a treasure.
That's very kind of you. Thank you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I was spot on. He's a narcissist who tells you what he knows you want to hear. Be careful dear. It's painful.
I hear about behaviors that I would do but that I've become quite clear on. You can not demand respect from someone who senses you don't respect yourself. You are also not setting a boundary if the only thing you expect is that the other person enforce it while you do not. There are so many of us who have grown up without learning what being a self-respecting woman is, and we take our cues from the media - a disaster. None of our plans will happen without putting one hundred percent into our healing. So be tough, Fairy, so we can live the lives we dream of. So grateful for your guidance.
I grew exactly like that with no boundaries…. I think my husband also had a lot of boundaries stepped on emotionally that he didn’t realize.
Now that I have been learning and healing, this has caused me to actually act on boundaries in a healthy way and it is causing toxicity on his because it makes him feel abandoned and angry and that I am standoffish when it is actually me saying this is too much and I need to be to be my own person and have my own thoughts…
I didn’t realize until recently where my boundaries were… now that I have learned what is healthy and unhealthy treatment by other people- my husband doesn’t some other ways or deal with situations where he is asking too much of me.
My husband is so used to the way I let people treat me however for like months at a time and then I finally blow up…
That wasn’t helping or healthy.
Now, I will walk away from the situation as soon as I notice, the person is speaking incorrectly to me or treat me in such a way that is a bit too far
for instance: my hubby and I can talk about how I like my office space when he starts trying to convince me that my personal likes and dislikes and design of my officespace is wrong or makes no sense, that is a boundary you overstepped- it is my space and you don’t get to decide whether what I like is wrong or right… I would never dream of say that to another person… and I truly do hate my husband‘s office desk for 13 years but I’ve never said anything because it’s not my place (its his office)… he was willing to comment about my office design/decor when he asked me to join his office area… after moving in I moved out quickly back to my space until he realized he pushed the boundary- it made him very angry, but I stood my ground as best I could in an emotionally charged situation.
Before my husband started working on himself, this would’ve ended very poorly and multiple screaming matches until one of us gave in or threw something because I would’ve tried to stay there when my husband attempted to guilt me into staying leaving was “rash” (already discussed prior what would happen if my husband wouldn’t stop trying to question and discuss every decor choice I had made for my office)…
In the end, I quietly stood my ground and told him I would not be moving back in the near future.
That eventually made him realize he doesn’t get to make those decisions for others.
It’s been almost a month. I have offered to move back into his office space… the only thing stopping me now is having a discussion with him about how it’s going to go.
If he can’t agree, allow me to have my own place there (he is having me move to help him be “accountable” not to look at things he shouldnt- its not a happy reason to do this on top of it all) and recognize that I am trying to be reasonable moving into someone else’s space and allow me to have some freedom… I am not going to move in his office space…. You have to deal with his own problems on his own.
I hope it goes well, but this is the stuff I’m dealing with my marriage.
He gets very panicky and nervous as soon as I shall inform of independence or independent thought or extensive independent prime and prayer reflection (including the meditating and journaling time).
It’s very hard for me because I used to be very codependent with him. Now getting healthier, I am now looking for interdependence and more health in our marriage… this new jumping into more healthy behavior on my end is causing a lot of fear and panic and insecurity on his end… he doesn’t see where he is pushing boundary and refuses to listen to me and expect me to just give in instead of him giving me time and space to decide whether or not it’s something that is ok to do….
It’s been really hard, and I wish that he would trust me when he panics in the moment but he wont
@@Jaxmusicgal23
Wow! Great letter. You've so much to be proud of yourself for. Gently pushing through that fear, and, more importantly, developing patience with oneself makes all the difference. Thank you. 🩷
Your advice is second to none it is helping me and so many people to live happier lives. Im getting prepared to leave a relationship and this is absolutely invaluable. I would not know where to turn without this channel. Showing you immense gratitude.
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful, we're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When I was very little I had an imaginary friend named Greg. He was actually modelled after Greg Brady from the Brady Bunch! My father was always hot and cold with me. Looking back, I wonder if “Greg” was an early form of limerance.
Thank you fairly! I listened to them previously. When I listen to it again, I hear different informations that I didn't hear. I feel like I am healing and growing with everyone here. Thank everyone for your participation, in this community.
Thank you for being part of the community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish I’d had a crappy childhood fairy 30 years .. limerence consumed my life .. between limerence and my addictions , my life has been a mess .. it turned a corner a few years ago .. enjoying my life alone now , much improvement needed , but somethings like friends and relationships seem as far from possible as at any time in the past
Give yourself a break, so much of this is SO new.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Baby steps, my friend. One day at a time unpacking your trauma and learning to own it vs the other way around. It will happen. ❤️
The obsessive ness is maddening
Still not over him almost an entire year of grieving
Limmerence and me
Don't be afraid child
I always say, i have trauma on love.
But i know saying that does not really translate to people who don't have the experience
The word limmerence helps me to talk clearer about how it operates.
What happens in limmerence is the reliving of the trauma of experiencing 'unlove' ( that is finding out there is no love where and when you expected it) as a child.
The trauma is an explanation for the depth of despair, it is not just you are confused about what is love as a grown up, you relive the experience of unlove and the devastation of a child when you feel rejected. It litteraly feels like dying. And because the little child is dependent of the parents for actual and emotional survival that feeling of dying is realistic for the child.
The limmerence is the coping mechanism, it is the phantasy you had as a child of love as it should be ( not just your phantasy but filled in with the romantic unrealistic stories of the culture). It was a phantasy you used to survive a situation that was not survivable. ( in cruel scientific inquiery in germany with not giving orphans love, it showed that babies can die of lack of love) . If i am in limmerence i am actually looking for this unrealistic love. I tell myself that any attention given to me is actually (maybe? for sure!) love. I might even overlook real love offered to me in that moment.
The limmerence is when you go a bit ( or a lot) crazy. And it has a reason, it is because part of you is seriously convinced that if you cant get the love you were aiming for you will die.
If you can be aware of the devastation of the inner child behind this behaviour you can step back, turn around and console it. And that is the end of it. That sounds simple but it took me half my life to find out, And it still takes me a lot of effort to do it. And if i turn around the experience is actually beautiful.
Did you know that healing trauma is a breathtaking beautiful experience?
Someone once said to me something that sums this up: 'The worst already happened'
Because the worst is that you as a child felt like you were not loved and part of you was dying. And you survived that. Now nothing that can happen and nothing anyone can do can be worse than that. Don't be afraid. I really liked that and it works for me.
Berbel
Such a great video, Fairy, you just look so radiant!......I thank that "other girl" every day, resulted in the biggest opportunity to say F NO and move on into healing.
The response to him being shattered reminds me of the laundry list trait in ACA involving confusing love and pity.
Thank you give me a name for what I do - lime ranch. I’ve just discovered you on UTube . I have CPTSD and at 67 it has crippled me at times. Unfortunately my therapists haven’t touched the subject. I’ll keep watching you with a glimmer of hope. Thanks for what you do. ❤
I wish I had seen this about 20 years ago. Would have saved me so much pain.
I'm so glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy
Same here. I lost so much time and opportunities. And even friends because i tried to tell what happened but could not get clear or out of the loop and people got fed up with me.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with not being in a romantic relationship. Some people just aren't cut out for it. Sure, it's reasonable to want love and relationships, but that does not have anything to do with romance or sex. Please don't put the idea out there that people need to find a romantic partner to be happy. That's not true ir even realistic. Some people are actually addicted to that belief and remain unhappy because they don't find it rather than learning to find happiness and contentment in the relationships they do have. You can find fulfilment and build great relationships with family and platonic friends. Especially for people with trauma and mental illness. Romantic relationships are not necessarily safe or feasable for everyone. That's not the only way to have security and fulfillment.
They're happy to keep you on the periphery as long as they can keep getting favors and "borrowing" money
I'd love that "Ex cool girl"shirt😂
Me too!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish I could take the courses you offer. Lord know I am ready to fully heal. At this point, it's not about being in a relationship or getting married. I need me to be okay a 💯. Thank you so much for your videos. Please don't stop doing the work many of us are healing from.
There is this free course! bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
19:00 Woww you are so even minded and fair. I have same view. True friendship is sweetest love. ❤️
The daily practice has helped me so much. It’s amazing how things I carried with me all my life just disappeared. Of course there are new challenges after that but at least I have tools in my chest now. Very grateful. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
I stumbled on your channel. Not looking for it, but it popped into my suggested playlist. Wow! I can't tell you how helpful your videos have been for me. I've struggled with the effects of the traumas from my childhood for years. I've gone through the process of learning and healing from a lot of it over the years, but seemed to come to a plateau, even a roadblock. Your videos have really helped me go to the next level of "Aha moments". Thank you.
You are most welcome! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m stuck in limerance with someone who doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. We had a non relationship for 9 months or so. We met once, it never worked out again. We both have trauma, I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. I don’t understand what happened really except “he’s not the same person he was last summer” I have HUGE abandonment/ rejection issues. I can’t get past the hurt and think of him often.
I’m a 16 year old girl. I fell in “love” with another girl ( my first girl crush) in 6th grade. Once the brain starts developing a new routine cycle, you can’t help the new pattern. I know I’m over her, but the fantasy world I dreamt up from when I needed to get away from the world is still here. We were friends so I kept being friends with her (secretly wanting to date her) but she wasn’t the best friend to me but I didn’t care and only took the bare minimum of what she did and romanticized the situation of what it rlly isn’t. And she would talk to me but when she got into a relationship would ignore me so it was the common hot and cold situation. It wasn’t until tonight her on and off gf reposted how she made her feel like the prettiest girl the world, and that’s when I had a enough because I felt a pierce in my chest. I don’t even want her anymore. It’s just the thousands of dreams and distractions I made in the time period I needed to cope with. So I unadded her off of all social media, because I’m getting ready to be grown in two years, and I want bigger things in my life and to find TRUE love. man or woman. It’s time to cut everything that’s dragging me down out while I still can!!
Good for you! Congratulations on the next stage of your life! Julie@TeamFairy
I'm a Dismissive Avoidant and my husband is Fearful Avoidant. It feels safe not having to go too deep with eachother. But, I really crave deep intimacy and connection.
You can both work towards that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
He doesn't want to 🥲
Does he know how to? Could save it with a couples therapy early. Frame it as intimacy coaching.
it’s what i’m going thru and i’m tired! can’t stand it!
This video has already (2/3 through) covered all 3 major relationships in my life!
Jason, Mike & Kevin
I don't know if I will ever be in another serious relationship again. But regardless of the future.... I will pursue me. I will get to know me and learn what I enjoy doing. Also I will discover new things, new hobbies & new exciting experiences.
I recommend this video!
I wonder if the opposite of limerance is indifference.. that seems to be my experience.. thank you for the insight!
the moment he told you he only wants to be friends ...... I would of leaned back and no longer engaged .... you want something more and he does not,,,,, you are prolonging your limerence recovery by duping the friend thing..... move on in silence wish him well and end communication.... the longer you stay with a person who told you the absolute truth about not wanting a relationship .... you are wasting time..... go on the pursuit of a reciprocal relationship... you got this.... take a soul vacation then go live life .....
This is a so frustrating ‘case’. I can even feel the energy of frustration listening to your reading the story. But I understand for someone who’s still unhealed from childhood trauma the logic & common sense are so ‘frustrating’. Clearly in this case someone has to be sounding mean to her ( by stating facts & telling the truths)for the reason that she has been mean to herself by believing her delusions & fantasy.
Best wishes to her for finding true love from & for herself, before others can truely love her🙏
Thank you for sharing your encouragement for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
Its useful to stop being spiritually gullible. I know that when I was asking him to be more concise about his spiritual blabber he would get silent and not know how to confuse me anymore.
Ohh I’m trying to stop this Limerence with my ex kinda on of boyfriend..
we have been on and off for 11 months!
We are intimate together when we’re not arguing ‘ and we can have beautiful conversations when we’re in a good space.. but he has a (dismissive avoidant attachment style ) also schizoid disorder -
and my attachment style is (anxious, preoccupied, )..
the problem is I’m very spiritual too and I’ve been meditating ( letting go of him ) surrendering, releasing unhealthy attachment, I know, are stored in my nuro pathways and letting in what is right for me )
As what is right for me will not pass me bye !!
But I’m still in Limerence with him - no matter what I do he’s on my mind, we live in the same small village and drink in the same old small pub.. we hang around in the same social circle as well, so that’s difficult and I’m not giving up my friends because of him and he won’t just because of me .. !! .. this is nutts !
About the multiple numbers....unfortunately, I know EXACTLY what this is!! This young woman blocked him in an effort to create a safe space for herself. There are MANY services that will allow you to "create" a new phone number on their platform so that your ACTUAL phone number is not being used. This allowed the man to reach out to her, using a phone number that isn't blocked on her device. It's a tricky work around when someone doesn't respect another person's boundaries. I hope she's in a better emotional place by now. EVERYONE deserves basic respect!
"When you see the red flag, get out the Black Flag."
The definition of lime Renfe is: Limerence is a state of mind resulting from romantic feelings for another person. It typically involves intrusive and melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection, along with a desire for the reciprocation of one's feelings and to form a relationship with the object of love. what’s wrong with this? Isn’t this love? Now to stop doing this with someone you can’t have. Is another focal point.
I love this woman. She is brilliant and so incredibly helpful ❤️ I've needed this guidance and help so many years ago. Glad I found you now. Thankyou❤❤❤
Interesting letter. Girl meets boy - she has a rural homestead and is there alone, cut off from the crowds, by choice. Of course she is an avoidant. But sounds like he wanted a mate. Thought he found one but intimacy too challenging for them, he had integrity though and acted as a distant buddy, protector and stepped up a few when she ran into an accomodation problem and she only has seasonal incomes and is a rover.
He is financially and accomodation steady and is helping her out whenever she needs help.
He is now her genuine friend. A good friend to her.
But, this is not a possibility for her or him as a long term relationship.
However, if he and she do not intend to meet new romantic/sexual partners going into their futures, then they could be each others Golden Girls for the future.
Apart from men (who will not be her solution), she has other things to focus on in her life as a priority - her future accomodation and income! Very important! She needs to do this.
I love the work you do and what you give us
Crumbs get swept up and eventually get thrown away
Your content is absolutely amazing and it keeps speaking directly to the issues that I have. It's quite amazing how that's happening.