I feel so compelled to thank you, Anna. You are helping me break the cycle of generational trauma with my one year old son. I ended an emotionally abusive marriage 2 months ago and am 12 days sober from an addiction I thought I couldn't live without. It's not just your viewers you're helping -- the ripple effects of healing are going to outlive you and us all. I am so grateful to have found your channel. ❤
Lovely post. I agree so much. Best of luck on continuing those dozen days!! Your son is going to be a healthier, more happy person because of what you are doing. Excellent work. Ive been there too.
Hold on to the course you've chosen. You need to be clear- headed to be the mother you want to be to your son. It's not good for children to see their mother belittled, beaten and threatened by their dad. You don't want your son to grow up thinking that's what a man does. I don't know you, but I am so proud of you and happy for your future. Keeping you in my prayers.
The same at 65. My ex therapist even told me that if her and I were dating, she would dump me," in a hot minute."... too much work. Never had a relationship or even held hands with a girl.
The "no one is coming to save you" part is a realization I had not too long ago, and I think the worst part about it is that to a person with cptsd, it affirms to them the belief that they're not loveable enough, not even to save. It was really hard for me to recognize why no one coming to save me was such an excruciating realization to have, but the more I learn about cptsd, avoidance, and neglect, the more I realize that my expectation of those that care for me has been completely warped by that core belief I carry that no one will truly love me. I dont know what it takes to not believe that. In some ways when I think about it long and hard enough, I laugh at how ridiculous it is that I've actually convinced myself love requires perfection. But some part of my brain refuses to believe otherwise
"People are out to get me" ... well, this could be true if you are trying to escape narcissists. Damaging their ego puts them in the total destruction gear.
Yes I was thinking the same thing. The thing is, if you are unaware of this narcissism phenomenon, you probably have a clump of them in your life. If you find yourself being codependent, enabling, empathic in any situation, they are attracted to you. Even jobs can scapegoat you. I struggled for a long time thinking, if I have an issue with everyone well it must be me! Well, taking time to reflect, take accountability where needed, therapy, reading books, blogs etc I realized it was me, but not as the aggressor. I would never choose to stay in any situation like this again. I say choose because sometimes we dont have a choice to be around it. But I actively chose it in the past.
If you're the loved one of someone who has any trauma, please don't ever get in their face and yell "Jesus Christ just go to therapy and fix yourself already!" This was my little brother's response to my mental breakdown after my grandma passed (I spent years caring for her medical needs and I was her hospice caregiver as well).
Your lil’ brother has issues, the audacity of him to treat you with so much disrespect! When my Mom passed away , my sisters & I were by her side. I began to cry and my sister got in my face & yelled “Get a grip”.. I believe she couldn’t handle her own emotions & projected it onto me. I loved my mom for who she was, faults & all. I realized there were generations of problems that were passed down, they end with me as much as I can change anyway❤
This brought me back to a decision I made at age 26, late 1980s, to leave a new boyfriend in the very instant he broke a date with me to hang out with an Italian au pair who was allegedly only there to share in some marijuana he had - which he described as his "lifestyle." What stands out for me is my resolve through the pain of knowing I'd been misled, but also that I had created this through my intense need to belong. I played a part. The "cool, unbothered girl" left the building in that moment. I DID have a right to my feelings, and I asserted them in a couple of relationships later. I'm not "afraid of intimacy" as some have said. I knew when it was a "crapfit" and time to leave. My heart goes out to all, especially women, who can't walk away knowing their perceptions were accurate.
I was being blatantly and severely emotionally abused and still took me until I got pregnant almost 5yrs later to finally leave to protect my baby. It's a girl too, so really need to stay away from him and protect her- he is an incel type and so are all his friends
"People show you who they are - it's up to you to believe them" is what my mentor taught me when I had identical experiences with my spouse. Kicker is I kept choosing that type of man until I learned this stuff. Good luck Kim, trust your gut!!!
Easier said than done. The problem lies when we focus on the other persons needs more than our own. It’s a passive or covert form of controlling behavior. Not so much changing our mold to fit, but expecting others to conform to our needs we never got met in childhood. It’s cyclical: chose people who trigger, rather than lift us up to our higher selves, and hold on for fear of abandonment or loneliness
Wow, great line.. I always wonder why some people make me feel off balance. I think I am recognizing something I phycally can't see BUT my spirit is saying RUN!! Listen up & LISTEN good.
I'm 73 & started to have emotional flashbacks of childhood a couple of years ago. Therapy only triggered me for up to 2 days after a session & meds didn't really work. I'm so glad to have these videos because they explain what couldn't be explained after I completed multiple degrees in psych in my efforts to figure out what was going on inside me. CPTSD was not identfied at the time I got my degrees. Thank you!!
This is really validating that CPTSD is difficult for anyone and everyone that has it, despite the work and education you have! When I was 37 in therapy I thought I hope to be over this by 40. It was just the beginning. 🕊
We are about the same age and over 40 years of off and on therapy never helped but just made things worse. Reliving abuse and neglect is no way to get better. I truly wish CPTSD could have been identified sooner, so more people could enjoy the benefits. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late for me since I feel so broken, but I’m trying.
There are some situations where the “group” you’re around, for example co-workers, are very toxic. This makes it difficult for me to know if it’s me with all my trauma baggage, or the group or situation I’m in. I’ve experienced this many times in my life. I’m sure part of it is being attracted to groups or people that keep the cycle going. Don’t even know if that makes sense.
You’re right. I was fired because of a toxic work environment and they blamed it on my trauma that I was going through with my dad. My boss figured it was best to get rid of me then the people who were creating a toxic work environment. I voiced what was going on, the gossip and negative energy but she refused to see it. This has caused me even more trauma to the point that I don’t want to work for anyone anymore or I will just work remotely.
You are making total sense. Just because you are triggered doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic!! And just like a toxic family, a toxic workplace has very little use for the truth. They will deny, obfuscate, gaslight, lie, and release the flying monkeys on you to keep the truth from coming to light. Keep your chin up. You aren’t alone and you are making perfect sense!
Yes, Amy it does make sense. We as humans are "herd animals". So we have a tendency to join in and make ourselves ok with the group. There is discomfort sometimes when I don't feel ok with the groups' choices or behaviors and want to remove myself or not engage. Especially when I am not sure if the issue is coming from me, or if there is actually something messed up in the group. You are certainly not alone in experiencing some confusion regarding this.
I was bullied as a teenager in a small town school, ostracized, and pushed aside, humiliated, an attempted rape at 15…I still am paranoid, feel like an outsider, never heard…parents backed me all the way, but peers are the most 8mportant at that age. If not for my parents, I wouldn’t be here, their love kept me here
If you're living in chronic state of dysregulation, I believe you reeeeally gotta do some deep neurological/somatic healing for a few years by yourself. Only then will you start to see people and situations for whom and what they truly are, and the risk of traumatising others will reduce significantly. It's so wonderful to know that we really have the power within us to heal, and don't require others to change ourselves 💗
I've noticed that there really are two vastly different versions of myself...the self that is stuck in trauma, and the self that is able to transcend. When I'm stuck in stress, the former is very much dominant. The key is integrating the two, but of course that's what all the spirituality in the world is and always was about.
I agree. I think trauma at it's core is disconnection from some part of yourself. When you can bring it back into the whole of you, that's when you're healed. It might not be like it was before, but you know when it's back.
Hm...this exactly I thought I was just crazy lol! I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 though but maybe I'm not. I do feel as though I have a inner Psychopath in me and yet the nicest person ever lol it's so weird. If I drink alcohol I'm even worse though lol I also feel so invisible when I know I'm not but to have a homeless person come up to me and say, "you're always angry why..." tells me I'm not but then I want to be invisible ug cause then I'm like what do these people want from me? So weird.
Although I didn’t want someone to come along and save me, I really wanted to be able to save myself. The most important thing to me became freedom and independence.
Life is too short to let coverts deplete you of time, energy, empathy. People decluttering is just as important as your personal space.After a few times doing it, you feel uplifted and independent again. Great feeling! So many thank yous to Anna's laser insightfulness and generosity to share all she knows to help us grow.
Nah people have straight told me, I’m not welcomed, or bullied me til I had no choice but to go. I learned to never stay where I’m not wanted nor appreciated. That’s more traumatic than just choosing to stay away. Some us have way too many layers of trauma from very early years of life. Some of us never had someone to give us relief from the abuse and got abused by everyone and everywhere. Not a single person was there for me.
I'm So sorry for your hurts. 🫂💙i Hope you find your way to healing and recovering. You are not alone😿. Thanks for posting. I too fit the description you posted. It was worse than a nightmare to be so young, suffer so much, endure so much cruelty, for years and no one around you will see or console you when you hurt.
I am so sorry that you were bullied and traumatized at school, a place where all kids have a "right to free and appropriate education". When I went to school, teachers knew to be leaders and correct bad behavior in kids. Now they act like it's not their job. When you don't feel safe and accepted at school, it's really hard to learn. Not having support at home would make it much more painful.
Ive always said, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. I cant describe the horribly mean things said to me when i was a pre teen and teenager, fellow students and strangers on the street. Seems like i had a target painted on me, when i was just being a kid with a heroine addicted mother. I was sad, struggling to feed myself, not wearing the cool things other kids had, not having any safe place. Im only realizing in my mid 50s how much damage i am carrying. Wow.
I hear you. I developed Crohn's disease in high school, and I already wasn't popular. I was bullied badly and felt like I had a target ony back because of my illness. People said absolutely horrible things about me and my weight (because I lost weight rapidly before I was diagnosed), and it damaged me horribly. I've been either outright bullied or just excluded at every job I've had up to the point of even being fired. It's hard not to feel like people aren't out to get you sometimes. I feel like I have a target on my back and I don't belong anywhere. I learned to just avoid trying to make connections because it will always end badly. I've been watching this channel's videos for ideas and help, along with going to therapy, but at age 44 it feels hopeless at times. Seeing others in the comments here with similar thoughts and feelings helps make me not feel so alone though. There are others out there who feel similarly, and even knowing that helps.
I am so sad that you were treated so cruelly, both of you. I never understood why people in high school gravitated to "cliques" and outright excluded people, mistreated others, and created problems for others. It's like a power-trip, as I see it now, but I didn't understand it then. But people like that really put me off, they were not impressive to me, and I couldn't understand why they were so idolized and admired. Baffling. To struggle with poor health would be a reason to be kind and helpful to you, and it's just unfathomable that somebody didn't try to be a friend and connect, show kindness and care for you! 😭😭😭😭🤯. I wonder if any of them became doctors and nurses?
People have to remember that what this lady says is true, trauma can make u bitter, angry, resentful and mean but this lady has found healing and people in her life to support her and is now helping others. Shows there is hope. You know what the world needs is for people to start to turn their hearts back to God and start being kind again to each other. Because you have to be a friend to make friends.
43:35 I am so glad to hear somebody talking about this. Casual, serial dating culture has gotten to the point where it's causing so many people to oppress themselves. The generalizations people make are crazy too. I am not nor will I ever be some sex crazed lunatic because I'm male. One promiscuous and alcoholic ex was plenty traumatizing for the remainder of my lifetime, thank you very much.
Yes, when I’m pushed by others it doesn’t help at all because they don’t begin to understand and they’re pushing and controlling makes me shutdown even more.
Work can be hard when you have CPTSD symptoms! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Julie@TeamFairy
I guess I dealt with the feeling of not belonging by gravitating to the misfits. For example, in high school, I didn’t eat my lunch in the lunchroom, but instead went to the front lobby where the misfits and “nerds” like me were doing homework over lunch or being socially awkward… idk I always found the misfits to be the nicest and more accepting people…. My siblings were tactical about getting in with the “cool crowd” and I was known as the cool kids’ weird little sister, but I just didn’t care… I think that stemmed from not being accepted at home so my way of coping was seeking radical acceptance of myself and freedom to be whatever and however weird I wanted to be… as an adult, I now realize that people love seeing the human side of us, the weird quirkiness. If someone doesn’t like you, someone else will absolutely LOVE you. The thing they want is for you to unapologetically show your true self. Even if that means listening to Ska music (yes, high school in the 90s lol) on your headset while painting weird paintings of hands (one of my high school projects that got me mocked)… we all have a weird side and insecurities, so it makes us feel good when we see someone else owning their weirdness and insecurities, like we’re not alone in this world…
For some reason i never knew i could b picky about the ppl i let in my life, then i figured it out and cut all the poisonous ppl out and now i would rather b alone then let ppl like that in
I use to feel that in my bones.. “you don’t belong here.. you aren’t like us.., you’re left out & excluded, not invited to reunions, birthdays, anniversaries… “ That’s right!! you don’t belong - you would never treat others the way they treat you.. Do yourself a favor & get away from nasty ppl that don’t support you, Love & cherish you for you🥰
This is a great video. I'm just starting to feel like I fit and that people like me just fine. After 40 years of addiction and dysfunction, I have almost 5 years sober. I worked really hard on my trauma issues and behaviors for those 5 years, (with lots of focus on your videos, cuz they are so amazingly spot on), and will continue as long as I live. At 68, my life is so much happier and full and rich with some decent friends now, and I never thought it would be true. My heart breaks for people when they say they can't do the work or they have no hope for themselves, because another lie is believing that is true. I feel gratitude and hope and strength these days, most of the time. Love to you Anna, and all the people who struggle and try to do what might feel difficult or impossible. We all rock!!!
Ah @beckythornton6470 you have given me hope. At 62 I just discovered CCF and Anna. I would love to join you in celebrating a fuller, richer life with people who feel decent and good to be with. I’m sure they’re near. Just need to connect. Working on it.
I relate to a lot of these. I had many negative experiences with my jobs. I felt like I was never going to have friends because I was shy and serious. I didn't feel I belonged around family or at school. I would give all I had to friendships and accept crumbs. I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time and I struggled with self-esteem. I kept wondering when my mental health and wellbeing would improve but didn't know how to accept myself, my personality, my looks, my insecurities. I still have so much work to do!
Understand same and still learning, as well. Glad for CCF and this channel for helping healing with affirmation of many shared thoughts and experiences. When anxious or stressed - acknowledging origins of why and imagining I will feel better, if only for a moment in midst of navigating pain, gives me some relief knowing it won’t or doesn’t have to last, until it does pass . All the best 🙏😌🕊️
As a recovered/recovering alcoholic (10 years sober), I can tell you that this is not always true. Alcohol distorts and warps the truth, and a weird thought or dream can become reality. I have memories I can't trust, and I see this at play in my alcoholic brother. He comes up with stuff that NEVER HAPPENED and believes it to be true. Red flags are right. If someone is drinking, get the hell away from them. They'll say anything, and you can't trust it.
I see both sides of it. Your inhibitions are down so you speak more truth, and at other times its just nonsense. Ive seen this in myself, when recalling the night before conversations about the odd topic that came up that isint like me at all. Having CPTSD and having my mind filled with rumination, having a couple drinks has (at times) allowed me to relax and think of some creative projects etc. But for the majority it has caused me to make an @ss out of myself. Can anyone keep a balance of it over decades?! It sure isint me.
Sex should be the last thing that happens getting into a relationship. Dating is for collecting data on someone first. Women are emotionally based ,sex makes them more involved. A man is driven by lust first when they meet you .if he is still consistently showing interest without sex then you know hes interested in you not just looking sex.
It’s a trap. Sex is their #1 goal with you. Sorry but it’s true 95% of the time. I’m still trying to figure out why its the single things that drives them.
Facts.... Throws women off when a guy doesn't push for the sexual side as much but it should show he's very serious about her and doesn't want to risk the long term for short term pleasures
I had an ex Psychologist tell me at age 48 that my parents ruined my life. That was so hurtful. I'm not a broken person!! I had no insight at that time, and this Doctor took advantage of my lack of experience.
Its up setting qhen a professional does the opposite of helping you out. Its like well if I can trust them who can I trust. I have only gone to a phycologist once and he never said much and always asked me about people in my life I told him were no longer living. I am now a therapist and I try to not make the same mistakes as he did. Hope you find someone to can talk to that you can trust.
Both girlfriends that I’ve been friendly with for 35 years and the other 45 years, and both knew my struggles, have both ghosted me after all these years. I’m still trying to understand why neither bothered to confront me prior to simply turning their backs on me. And as so common to many of us, I have questioned myself first and foremost, yet also realize their lack of confronting me is on them. I feel so crazy presently I can barely get myself dressed and out of my place. Everything feels like bullshit to me, and a huge waste of time.
11 years has seen me approach 25 women for a date. So far, so good. No dates, not even a sultana. But good news: a dog in Luton, UK, can eat with a fork n knife
I can almost guarantee you they tried to have this conversation with you at least a thousand times. They probably did tell you how your behavior affected them negatively, and like so many others with CPTSD (and what I call CPTSD rooted narcissism), you didn't hear them. You did not listen to them, likely. After a while, it's only a normal human response to get tired and fed up eventually. They stayed around for decades before they ghosted you. I am not trying to kick you while you're down, but I'm telling you how it is from the other side, a side likely as one of your former friends. There's only so much a human being can take. Perhaps try and see it from their point of view and your role in the end of the friendships. .
LOVE this entire topic! Just talking about this how my marriage was just what I fell into and didn’t really want it at all, I see it was from childhood upbringing trauma. And I learned to just settle with people and even things until I finally woke up to love my truth and authenticity.
OMG. I'm 58 and I'm fucked! Only fully realised how terrible it has become from listening to several of these videos and saw a replay in my head of how I recently sat my 16 year old daughter down and laid out all the reasons why she should never get married. This was so unfair to her and I deeply regret it but don't know how to backtrack? My life has spiralled totally out of control following my divorce 5 years ago and having to re-locate to a small house in town. I am buried in clutter and chaos. I fractured my shoulder 6 weeks ago and my self imposed isolation became a nightmare as I can't drive and am now relying on the kindness of strangers for help as I have distanced or ditched all friends and family. The injury will take several months to heal. Always struggling to manage with a tiny income. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD but I am wondering if it is more likely CPTSD? If not for the joy my daughter brings me (and then I try to sabotage the poor thing) I find it so difficult to imagine a brighter future.
I have felt this on various degrees, like I am always intruding wherever I go, even shopping. It's not so bad now, partly because I've confronted it in my journaling, but when I was younger I rarely went outside for years. Something related to this is feeling like nothing applies to me, like when adverts or competitions etc say "you" the target is never me, it's always other people
I never organically thought that I should take "whatever I can get." To not bother going to college and just be grateful for the cashier job at the local IGA grocery store and marry whoever asks because it might be the only one. That way of thinking was implanted into my mind.... was put there by my own Dad. He would say "there is no point in going to college. Youre lucky you have that job at the store, just stay there. And eventually you'll meet a man and he will like you and if he asks to marry you, you should accept so take it because there wont be anyone else." Then my Dad added this wonderful tidbit. "Oh and by the way ...if you do ever get married, know that I have NOTHING FOR YOU!" We were sitting at a toddlers birthday party and my dad says "see these cups and plates (bright colored plastic and paper)if I were you, I'd just plan to have a wedding like this ...I don't have anything for you." So that's how I started my 20s. No self esteem. Probably will fail college Just marry someone... anyone who asks. From age 22 - 42 I was an oddball because I would tell the guy all the reasons he shouldn't date me...just to see if he would stay. And he wouldn't. So I got to prove my Dad right.... no one will want you. Take anyone.
I’m 67 and have felt like I belong nowhere, have no one, and have nothing. I’m currently isolating. From some of the painful comments I now know I don’t belong here either.
I isolate, and apparently that's not what you're supposed to do...? I feel a heavy need to protect myself when I feel low. I don't wanna slosh my pain around. I'm sending you a virtual hug 🫂
I’m so sorry to all of us who suffer as such. And yes it is incredible painful…does anyone else feel like they are brain dead at times. I feel like I couldn’t but a congruent sentence together to possibly have a conversation with another except my dogs. No judgement on their part, and no weird steers at me like I have three heads.
I do feel like I don’t belong sometimes. I grew up in a household with abuse, and I was the scapegoat. I later lived with another family member who was a narcissist who isolated me from people and I lost most of my friends and they smeared me to the community making me feel more cut off. In school I was generally not well liked because I was “weird,” among other things. I later realized that most likely autism. I still meet people time to time who instantly take a disliking to me. Many people who like me I can tell aren’t good company. There are some people who really get me but they are rare.
I was finally able to leave an emotionally abusive marriage almost a year ago, and angry defensiveness really resonates with me due to a surveillance and smear campaign mounted by my husband. I'm working on being more positive and having an open mind when approaching different situations so I have more positive experiences.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that, but it's wonderful you're putting in the work to better yourself and your outlook on things :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Great stuff here. Thanks so much Anna... I realized that sometimes however we truly do not belong and that is ok with me now. I do not belong with the catty group of gossiping co workers and a few of them go out of their way to make sure I know but I do NOT care anymore because now I am finally true to me and I love me and have raised my standards.. they don't choose me, but I wouldn't choose them either because they are the ones who are NOT good enough!
Just want to thank all these kind souls here, reaching out and being vulnerable, thanks to you all, my loneliness and pain are lessened. Wishing you all healing, transformation, safe affection and consistent care, safety, respect and security with friends and loved ones. You do you!!😍😍😍🤩🤩🤩
So spot on. I over share about accomplishments as to need validation. I have to rein it in. Fortunately, I quit drinking 16 years ago. I didnt feel accepted in the 12 step community. I am native in a non native community. I have been meditating and working on myself worth. I was beat down by my mom physicially but mostly mentally as i took car of her until she passed in nov. She was 91. I never did anything right. I deel like a shell of a person. I had no support and was treated similarly by my boss. I was fired and lost at least 5 ppl close to me including my mom. I have been in a state of dysregulation since i lost my job in may. The meditation and my two therapists have literally been my life saver. Thank you for your counsel!
This is so very true for me. I struggle with trusting anyone. "They're all lying to me," is the tape that plays in my head. I probably pushed people away without and didn't even know it.
This really hit me. I’ve never felt that I belonged or that one day someone will find out I’m not good enough to be part of a group or even a job. It’s a really awful part of CPTSD and one of the most difficult for me to let go of.
Anna, wow. Believing lies for so long, so many decades wasted. Thank you for your honest words, and validation that what I saw but struggled to see as true instead of the lies of being called too sensitive.
wow so glad to find A Good Fairy, I have done some work by myself and you confirmed it and also shed light on where more needs to be done, but how awesome to find an experienced Fairy who speaks my language. You are so cool! Yay!
You elucidate and clarify, so many things that have been in my life that I have not been able to capture/grasp in order to understand and heal, and you bring it up with understanding, clarity and enough humor that it doesn't trigger me, but instead enlightens me. So many "Ahaaa!" moments for me to process and pay attention to. ❤ Thank you so much! ❤
You are a true inspiration! Thank you for taking the time to make these videos, they are so helpful and informative! You have helped me understand a lot about myself!
this vid is the bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!! so so to the point and a big ah ah vid for me. it's about the specifics which were awesome, but it's about a larger feeling of hope - hope that what you feel will get better with some awareness and tools. thanks for the tools anna ...the clarity is a light blue crystal...
This channel is amazing. It’s what this world needs. Look at how many of us relate and that is only the fraction…it almost seems like whole generations were traumatized.
Thank you for these videos Anna...this is meeting me right where I am right now. It's so helpful to hear you vulnerably voice your experience as someone who has survived C-PTSD. I felt so alone in my struggle for so long, not knowing I had it because it was all I had ever known, and ashamed to tell people what I was really going through. It's a breath of fresh air to know there is a community of trauma survivors out there.
O...M...G! I feel like you based these on me... so painful to hear but such a relief at the same time. I feel fear that I have been living a lie It is scary and humbling... WOW, Anna....thank you❤
Thank you!!! All of these are lies/ things that I'm overcoming...my attachment wounds and feelings, like I never fit in anywhere, and that I'm not good enough for the love or life that I want. I know, now, that I deserve love, peace and happiness... i appreciate your insight and candid explanations, so much! As I relearn who I am and what I want... I finally feel lighter and freeer❤
Anne i know from these stories you had people in your life who cared and took you in. Even a person who cared enough to take you under their wing and show you about daily writing your resentments and fears. i can imagine that helped you come through w all your wisdom and hope Im glad your tank got filled enough to get to sharing your wisdom
Yes!! That feeling that everything is "just temporary" - it's not just you, Anna! I relate SO much. :) It's like living life one step removed. As I heal, that feeling is like a temperature gauge for me now. It shows me my progress, or (if it comes back) that I need to work on that aspect of my life. I recently (a year ago) fully recovered from BPD, and I could see I was getting healthier because I was "owning" my decisions for the first time ever, happy to take them into the future, and own my likes and dislikes.
OM goodness 😊 You're telling my story. I've been to so many therapists and not one Understood How to Understand to Help Me. You're right it's never too late. You're a smart giving caring intelligent lady and you're no doubt helping an untold number of people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ Have Blessed Holidays 🌲☃️❄️
Super helpful insights. Probably the best description of what too seek in a partner, someone who elevates you mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and whose presence is calming and peaceful. Love it ❤
I love her snd her videos. I have taught myself a little technique that helps alot. Its called Reversing it. Instead of saying " I dont belong, I dont fit in", try saying THEY dont fit my definition of RESPECT! Therefore ThEY dont belong with me. Thats why Im distancing myself! Likewise for bad treatment at jobs, getting bamboozled out of a job: They couldn't respect ME! Of course, ask yourself if you really DESERVED the abandonment.Most of time , not!
I am so thankful for your channel! You have been a huge instrument in my recognizing my childhood trauma and how it's shown up in my adult life Eben during my early parenting (looking back now)I use your channel to invoke topics between myself and my therapist. Thank you Thank you Thank you!❤❤🙏🏽🙏🏽
I love your smile. It reminds me that I should smile, as well. I don't need to wear my sadness. Not that I'm denying my issues, but I really do have deep joy! I think sometimes Im afraid to trust that that the joy is REAL.
No one wants to hear about your struggles. I’ve tested this. I’ve expressed myself and People leave. “Friends” stop communicating. People are very shallow and only want to hear about the highlight reel . I isolate to see who really cares and honestly, no one does. 🤷♀️ it’s odd.
Thank you so much for this video. This sheds a light on so much of my thinking for most of my life. I’m so grateful that you are sharing this information. 😊
I just wanted to say that every time I make time to watch your videos I learn something about how I am or who I am becoming! I have boarderline personality disorder and your instructional videos enhanced my last year as a single person, so that I could buckle down in therapy, journaling every day, and taking responsibility for my actions and my decisions! I am moving in with my partner this month. I feel scared about not living my life alone, but it was you who gave me hope that I could find a partner capable of taking care of themselves that loves me for who I am! I accept him in return, as he is also a childhood trauma survivor. Our life is far from perfect, yet we don’t have to face life and suffer alone any longer 😊
Interesting: just last week I was thinking about this very issue, and how the noise, and constant effort to determine who is the problem, is so exhausting that isolating is the solution. Actually thought through the entire process of the effort, and knowing that that is half the solution.
This video is literally a whole class. I got a half-hour in and decided to re-watch so I could take notes. Love it, thank you! Helps me take the blinders off.
Another incredible video! You and Rebecca of Scapegoat Recovery somehow keep creating amazing, unique and such important work! To me, the two of you and the work you went through and what you share with us is finally shedding light on the longterm effects of abuse annnnnnd, to let us know how to heal and move forward.
I have felt this way since I was a little girl and I’m 62. It’s a horrible way to live. I did OK when I was married and even when my best friend was alive and lived here but since my husband‘s death and my best friend’s death, it’s been awful. And I’m so grateful for these videos because I haven’t known what to do and it’s still very hard. I thought someone was trying to help me and he just kept calling me names and he started out really great and then he became mean it’s like he lured me in to trust him and then it just got bad and worse so I really appreciate these videos. Thank you so very much.
Anna, whatever your childhood trauma was, I am so glad that it led you to explore healing and help people who are still struggling. If you had not gone through that, you might not be as smart about all this as you are, and people like me would not be benefiting from how much you understand and what you have to teach.
An awesome AA neighborhood/ city is such a gift! The “old-timers” have known each other for decades (usually wise, talented, funny, kind) and show up to help new people. Then all of a sudden you have a few months sober and so does your new friend who started when you did. That’s such a powerful bond. Another day you may happen to see a new, scared person come in and you say ‘hi, everyone is super nice and you can talk a lot, or not at all… w.e. you want. The coffee is over there.. do you wanna sit with me? ‘ A bunch of people who lived a ‘badass’ life and only want to be healthy and sensible from now on… PRETTY pretty pretty good. A riot. Trust me.
Crappy Childhood Fairy, May God always be with you. Ive watched hundreds of hours of YTube vids over the last 7 months, trying to figure out this situationship I was in. ( A narcissistic acting man who was a dismissive avoidant and who was also playing with me and even himself.) Im so blessed that the algorithm finally landed me here because of all of the expert psychoanalysts I have listened to, the break up coaches, out of all of these people, it took YOU and only one video to break my trance with this loser and our situationship. Thank you for starting me down a path tiward BEING HEALED.
I can't tell you how many times I have clicked on your newestbvideo and it was PRECISELY what I was going through at that moment. Like today, as I am at my desk "interning:", almost no feedback or communication, and I start spinning...my mind saying, "You don't belong here.... ". I am able to listen as I continue my work, and I am really grateful. It is like emergency first aid today, the trauma unit. 🙏🏼
I just learned some examples of disregulation when you mentioned some. Yes have experienced a few. Id like to learn more about why a person gets disregulated, how they can understand what leads up to a person being disregulated, how they can minimize doing so. How to be kind to yourself after "losing it" and learn about your nature, and responses.
Omg I just found this channel yesterday, and I am consuming information as I am consuming water, it's amazing! You appeared at the right time in my life and you are keeping me on the right track and explaining so many things that are right now developing in my life. God bless you for all the help you are sharing to all of us! Extremely greateful for your videos, what a beautiful thing you are doing here! ❤
There is so much great stuff here. I am going to listen to it a few times, and try to focus specifically on how to have more confidence in my own perceptions. I have been a habitual "rescuer" in the Codependancy Triangle, and at 52 I often still don't recognize the emotional vampires in my life... until I have lots much sleep over having these people in my life. This was a great one to run accross today, also, as I have just made the "executive decision" to rid my life of someone who is extremely unhealthy and as no desire to get professional help. I am still baffled as to why I will self sacrifice even for someone that I don't really even LIKE, as a person. Do you have any videos around this feeling of "I HAVE TO find a way to help them!" Why does it feel like MY responsibility to always go above and beyond to help people, even when I don't even care for them and can see them as rude, selfish, and even abusive to others? Well, I suppose this has likely all come from the whole parental reversal that happened with my mother, who was always an emotional unhinged. I suppose that is the only time I felt worthy or good about myself, as this was the only time I felt at all appreciated. I will look for tips around this also.
Codependent tendencies are a classic CPTSD behavior so you're not alone! Overfunctioning often goes along with that, too. Here's a recent video: Burned Out, Resentful, and Busy All The Time? You Might Be an OVERFUNCTIONER th-cam.com/video/MwEd7XHCB4o/w-d-xo.html Also, Anna has a whole bunch of videos that focus on codependency, so I'm just going to link to a search of them, and you can start with the ones that call most strongly to you: www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy/search?query=codependent Julie@TeamFairy
Listening to this at 5 AM in the morning while I get ready for work it’s hard hold back the tears. Thank you for your insight and channel. I truly and greatly appreciate it.
Hello Anna!! Thank you so much! I was able to end my unhealthy relationship with so much ease and almost zero guilt after watching your videos, taking in a lot of your tips, and doing some major self-reflection. This is life-changing, and I really feel like God brought your channel to my attention! I started watching your videos only a week ago, and I've never had so much clarity or validation. (By the way, I've been in therapy for three years and on ADHD meds for two.) I just ended my 1 year relationship with someone whom I thought was "The One." He was absolutely avoidant, and I wasn't perfect either in the relationship. (Very clingy, emotionally deregulated, people pleaser) However, he used my issues against me, especially whenever I would blame myself or take any accountability. The only time he would take accountability is when I would explode, and even then, he would just victimize himself. He had so many expectations of me, and I had expectations of him too. However, I was more than ready to compromise and “people please”, but he didn't want to change anything or work on anything. I felt so alone in our relationship. He had gotten so used to lying to me and only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, and said this was because of his insecurities and my reactions. There were major trust issues due to him lying so much throughout our relationship yet, I was to blame for my trust issues. AS IF!!! I'm meeting with my therapist this week, and I have made a journal log of my past trauma, bad habits, and reasons for why I SERIOUSLY believe that I have CPTSD. Again, I have never felt so heard and validated in my life. The clarity I have is heaven-scent thanks to you and God. P.S I’ve also just became a member and I’m looking forward to starting your courses. ❤
Bless that poor lady Kim, never go there and do something you will later beat yourself about. A hard life indeed but you can heal. They will wait if they care about you.
Remember this: Anyone who asks to invite a third person into the bedroom has not only lost interest in you, but even worse, they no longer have respect for you. It never ends in your favor.
Thank you Anna for validating my feelings. Your youtubes have given me tools to start to heal. Grateful for your honesty and encouragement to get out there to help others through your pain...! ❤
I feel so compelled to thank you, Anna. You are helping me break the cycle of generational trauma with my one year old son. I ended an emotionally abusive marriage 2 months ago and am 12 days sober from an addiction I thought I couldn't live without. It's not just your viewers you're helping -- the ripple effects of healing are going to outlive you and us all. I am so grateful to have found your channel. ❤
Wow, thank you so much for sharing! I'm so glad Anna has been helpful, I'll make sure she reads this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Lovely post. I agree so much. Best of luck on continuing those dozen days!! Your son is going to be a healthier, more happy person because of what you are doing. Excellent work. Ive been there too.
Came to say l multiply this notion for the 50+ more of us who won't even put a comment here..we should often feel unworthy to participate ❤
🐛🦋🌻
Hold on to the course you've chosen. You need to be clear- headed to be the mother you want to be to your son. It's not good for children to see their mother belittled, beaten and threatened by their dad. You don't want your son to grow up thinking that's what a man does. I don't know you, but I am so proud of you and happy for your future. Keeping you in my prayers.
At 77 years old I still feel this way. I don't belong anywhere.
I'm 70 years old today, and I've felt the same way from time to time.
I’m 62 and same
The same at 65.
My ex therapist even told me that if her and I were dating, she would dump me," in a hot minute."... too much work.
Never had a relationship or even held hands with a girl.
@@stevensawyer5924 that.....isn't professional
Yikes. I'm sorry you have to carry that around. She shouldn't have said that to you.
@@stevensawyer5924 and that's why we avoid therapy... I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you found a better one.
The "no one is coming to save you" part is a realization I had not too long ago, and I think the worst part about it is that to a person with cptsd, it affirms to them the belief that they're not loveable enough, not even to save. It was really hard for me to recognize why no one coming to save me was such an excruciating realization to have, but the more I learn about cptsd, avoidance, and neglect, the more I realize that my expectation of those that care for me has been completely warped by that core belief I carry that no one will truly love me. I dont know what it takes to not believe that. In some ways when I think about it long and hard enough, I laugh at how ridiculous it is that I've actually convinced myself love requires perfection. But some part of my brain refuses to believe otherwise
Very hard to think that after all one's striving, there is no security... 🥺
I’m 55 and still dealing with some of these things. I have spent a lifetime fleeing from people and relationships.
You're in the right place, we're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Same. ❤
I feel so similar (I'm 40, but feel older cos I'm often tired, or sometimes even exhausted at times from trauma)
Me too
"People are out to get me" ... well, this could be true if you are trying to escape narcissists. Damaging their ego puts them in the total destruction gear.
Yes I was thinking the same thing. The thing is, if you are unaware of this narcissism phenomenon, you probably have a clump of them in your life. If you find yourself being codependent, enabling, empathic in any situation, they are attracted to you. Even jobs can scapegoat you. I struggled for a long time thinking, if I have an issue with everyone well it must be me! Well, taking time to reflect, take accountability where needed, therapy, reading books, blogs etc I realized it was me, but not as the aggressor. I would never choose to stay in any situation like this again. I say choose because sometimes we dont have a choice to be around it. But I actively chose it in the past.
I wouldn't say I'm bitter... it's more like I've wised up to the bullshit people are capable of.
Me too
If you're the loved one of someone who has any trauma, please don't ever get in their face and yell "Jesus Christ just go to therapy and fix yourself already!" This was my little brother's response to my mental breakdown after my grandma passed (I spent years caring for her medical needs and I was her hospice caregiver as well).
You are thanked for tenderly caring for your precious grandma!
@@sharonendler1467and God bless you for acknowledging that she did...❤
Your lil’ brother has issues, the audacity of him to treat you with so much disrespect! When my Mom passed away , my sisters & I were by her side. I began to cry and my sister got in my face & yelled “Get a grip”.. I believe she couldn’t handle her own emotions & projected it onto me. I loved my mom for who she was, faults & all. I realized there were generations of problems that were passed down, they end with me as much as I can change anyway❤
This brought me back to a decision I made at age 26, late 1980s, to leave a new boyfriend in the very instant he broke a date with me to hang out with an Italian au pair who was allegedly only there to share in some marijuana he had - which he described as his "lifestyle." What stands out for me is my resolve through the pain of knowing I'd been misled, but also that I had created this through my intense need to belong. I played a part. The "cool, unbothered girl" left the building in that moment. I DID have a right to my feelings, and I asserted them in a couple of relationships later. I'm not "afraid of intimacy" as some have said. I knew when it was a "crapfit" and time to leave. My heart goes out to all, especially women, who can't walk away knowing their perceptions were accurate.
I was being blatantly and severely emotionally abused and still took me until I got pregnant almost 5yrs later to finally leave to protect my baby. It's a girl too, so really need to stay away from him and protect her- he is an incel type and so are all his friends
@@OffTheWagonsdoesn't sound like an incel if he convinced you to get you pregnant. Incel=involuntary celibate
Me too x 6 yrs later single and can’t work
"People show you who they are - it's up to you to believe them" is what my mentor taught me when I had identical experiences with my spouse. Kicker is I kept choosing that type of man until I learned this stuff. Good luck Kim, trust your gut!!!
same....they chose us and we let them..now ... no way! It is great to know what to watch for...just wish I 'd learned all this sooner.
Easier said than done. The problem lies when we focus on the other persons needs more than our own. It’s a passive or covert form of controlling behavior. Not so much changing our mold to fit, but expecting others to conform to our needs we never got met in childhood. It’s cyclical: chose people who trigger, rather than lift us up to our higher selves, and hold on for fear of abandonment or loneliness
Exactly. I definitely learned this the hard way, but I completely get it now.
Wow, great line.. I always wonder why some people make me feel off balance. I think I am recognizing something I phycally can't see BUT my spirit is saying RUN!! Listen up & LISTEN good.
I'm 73 & started to have emotional flashbacks of childhood a couple of years ago. Therapy only triggered me for up to 2 days after a session & meds didn't really work. I'm so glad to have these videos because they explain what couldn't be explained after I completed multiple degrees in psych in my efforts to figure out what was going on inside me. CPTSD was not identfied at the time I got my degrees. Thank you!!
Glad you found us! In case you haven't already tried Anna's Daily Practice, it sounds like it could help: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Yes, it's really helping!
This is really validating that CPTSD is difficult for anyone and everyone that has it, despite the work and education you have! When I was 37 in therapy I thought I hope to be over this by 40. It was just the beginning. 🕊
Sadly, CPTSD is still not "identified" in the sense that it is a DSM-support diagnosis. That can have profound implications on treatment.
We are about the same age and over 40 years of off and on therapy never helped but just made things worse. Reliving abuse and neglect is no way to get better.
I truly wish CPTSD could have been identified sooner, so more people could enjoy the benefits.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late for me since I feel so broken, but I’m trying.
There are some situations where the “group” you’re around, for example co-workers, are very toxic. This makes it difficult for me to know if it’s me with all my trauma baggage, or the group or situation I’m in. I’ve experienced this many times in my life. I’m sure part of it is being attracted to groups or people that keep the cycle going. Don’t even know if that makes sense.
You’re right. I was fired because of a toxic work environment and they blamed it on my trauma that I was going through with my dad. My boss figured it was best to get rid of me then the people who were creating a toxic work environment. I voiced what was going on, the gossip and negative energy but she refused to see it. This has caused me even more trauma to the point that I don’t want to work for anyone anymore or I will just work remotely.
You are making total sense. Just because you are triggered doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic!! And just like a toxic family, a toxic workplace has very little use for the truth. They will deny, obfuscate, gaslight, lie, and release the flying monkeys on you to keep the truth from coming to light. Keep your chin up. You aren’t alone and you are making perfect sense!
Yes, Amy it does make sense. We as humans are "herd animals". So we have a tendency to join in and make ourselves ok with the group. There is discomfort sometimes when I don't feel ok with the groups' choices or behaviors and want to remove myself or not engage. Especially when I am not sure if the issue is coming from me, or if there is actually something messed up in the group. You are certainly not alone in experiencing some confusion regarding this.
I was bullied as a teenager in a small town school, ostracized, and pushed aside, humiliated, an attempted rape at 15…I still am paranoid, feel like an outsider, never heard…parents backed me all the way, but peers are the most 8mportant at that age. If not for my parents, I wouldn’t be here, their love kept me here
If you're living in chronic state of dysregulation, I believe you reeeeally gotta do some deep neurological/somatic healing for a few years by yourself.
Only then will you start to see people and situations for whom and what they truly are, and the risk of traumatising others will reduce significantly.
It's so wonderful to know that we really have the power within us to heal, and don't require others to change ourselves 💗
I needed to hear this! What kind of therapist would I look for?
@@womenofgodunited Irene Lyon here on TH-cam. Or any good in-person somatic practitioner (although there are few as the science is so new) ☺️
I have never belonged , and I stopped trying, its not worth the try, too much pain . I didn't ask for all the abuse
I've noticed that there really are two vastly different versions of myself...the self that is stuck in trauma, and the self that is able to transcend. When I'm stuck in stress, the former is very much dominant. The key is integrating the two, but of course that's what all the spirituality in the world is and always was about.
Extremely profound and true statement.
Amen....❤
I agree. I think trauma at it's core is disconnection from some part of yourself. When you can bring it back into the whole of you, that's when you're healed. It might not be like it was before, but you know when it's back.
I couldn't agree more to this statement. Incredible on point.
Hm...this exactly I thought I was just crazy lol! I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 though but maybe I'm not. I do feel as though I have a inner Psychopath in me and yet the nicest person ever lol it's so weird. If I drink alcohol I'm even worse though lol I also feel so invisible when I know I'm not but to have a homeless person come up to me and say, "you're always angry why..." tells me I'm not but then I want to be invisible ug cause then I'm like what do these people want from me? So weird.
Although I didn’t want someone to come along and save me, I really wanted to be able to save myself. The most important thing to me became freedom and independence.
Life is too short to let coverts deplete you of time, energy, empathy. People decluttering is just as important as your personal space.After a few times doing it, you feel uplifted and independent again. Great feeling! So many thank yous to Anna's laser insightfulness and generosity to share all she knows to help us grow.
Nah people have straight told me, I’m not welcomed, or bullied me til I had no choice but to go. I learned to never stay where I’m not wanted nor appreciated. That’s more traumatic than just choosing to stay away. Some us have way too many layers of trauma from very early years of life. Some of us never had someone to give us relief from the abuse and got abused by everyone and everywhere. Not a single person was there for me.
I'm so sorry you had those experiences. Thanks for being here now.
TeamFairy
I'm So sorry for your hurts. 🫂💙i Hope you find your way to healing and recovering. You are not alone😿. Thanks for posting. I too fit the description you posted. It was worse than a nightmare to be so young, suffer so much, endure so much cruelty, for years and no one around you will see or console you when you hurt.
I am so sorry that you were bullied and traumatized at school, a place where all kids have a "right to free and appropriate education". When I went to school, teachers knew to be leaders and correct bad behavior in kids. Now they act like it's not their job. When you don't feel safe and accepted at school, it's really hard to learn. Not having support at home would make it much more painful.
Ive always said, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. I cant describe the horribly mean things said to me when i was a pre teen and teenager, fellow students and strangers on the street. Seems like i had a target painted on me, when i was just being a kid with a heroine addicted mother. I was sad, struggling to feed myself, not wearing the cool things other kids had, not having any safe place. Im only realizing in my mid 50s how much damage i am carrying. Wow.
I hear you. I developed Crohn's disease in high school, and I already wasn't popular. I was bullied badly and felt like I had a target ony back because of my illness. People said absolutely horrible things about me and my weight (because I lost weight rapidly before I was diagnosed), and it damaged me horribly. I've been either outright bullied or just excluded at every job I've had up to the point of even being fired. It's hard not to feel like people aren't out to get you sometimes. I feel like I have a target on my back and I don't belong anywhere. I learned to just avoid trying to make connections because it will always end badly.
I've been watching this channel's videos for ideas and help, along with going to therapy, but at age 44 it feels hopeless at times. Seeing others in the comments here with similar thoughts and feelings helps make me not feel so alone though. There are others out there who feel similarly, and even knowing that helps.
I am so sad that you were treated so cruelly, both of you. I never understood why people in high school gravitated to "cliques" and outright excluded people, mistreated others, and created problems for others. It's like a power-trip, as I see it now, but I didn't understand it then. But people like that really put me off, they were not impressive to me, and I couldn't understand why they were so idolized and admired. Baffling. To struggle with poor health would be a reason to be kind and helpful to you, and it's just unfathomable that somebody didn't try to be a friend and connect, show kindness and care for you! 😭😭😭😭🤯. I wonder if any of them became doctors and nurses?
Very similar I hope you have a good day today. ❤
People have to remember that what this lady says is true, trauma can make u bitter, angry, resentful and mean but this lady has found healing and people in her life to support her and is now helping others.
Shows there is hope.
You know what the world needs is for people to start to turn their hearts back to God and start being kind again to each other. Because you have to be a friend to make friends.
Absolutely we need to encourage each other to find a better self. Reciprocal
@@maureenharrison6170 yes just do the best you can, every bit helps
43:35 I am so glad to hear somebody talking about this. Casual, serial dating culture has gotten to the point where it's causing so many people to oppress themselves. The generalizations people make are crazy too. I am not nor will I ever be some sex crazed lunatic because I'm male. One promiscuous and alcoholic ex was plenty traumatizing for the remainder of my lifetime, thank you very much.
Yes, when I’m pushed by others it doesn’t help at all because they don’t begin to understand and they’re pushing and controlling makes me shutdown even more.
This is every work environment for me. Currently leaving one job because I’ve sabotaged it
Work can be hard when you have CPTSD symptoms! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
I guess I dealt with the feeling of not belonging by gravitating to the misfits. For example, in high school, I didn’t eat my lunch in the lunchroom, but instead went to the front lobby where the misfits and “nerds” like me were doing homework over lunch or being socially awkward… idk I always found the misfits to be the nicest and more accepting people…. My siblings were tactical about getting in with the “cool crowd” and I was known as the cool kids’ weird little sister, but I just didn’t care… I think that stemmed from not being accepted at home so my way of coping was seeking radical acceptance of myself and freedom to be whatever and however weird I wanted to be… as an adult, I now realize that people love seeing the human side of us, the weird quirkiness. If someone doesn’t like you, someone else will absolutely LOVE you. The thing they want is for you to unapologetically show your true self. Even if that means listening to Ska music (yes, high school in the 90s lol) on your headset while painting weird paintings of hands (one of my high school projects that got me mocked)… we all have a weird side and insecurities, so it makes us feel good when we see someone else owning their weirdness and insecurities, like we’re not alone in this world…
You are NOT alone, glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are a special person . You must have hurt a lot to understand us so much! Sorry your hurt is a blessing for us. Hope you are doing well.
For some reason i never knew i could b picky about the ppl i let in my life, then i figured it out and cut all the poisonous ppl out and now i would rather b alone then let ppl like that in
It's great you have that awareness now! Just make sure you remember to still let the good people in :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yeah, wenever they come along
same here. whenever a person seemed to show interest I let them into my world.
@@newtonmoon isnt that weird we didnt realize we didnt have to let them in?
I use to feel that in my bones.. “you don’t belong here.. you aren’t like us.., you’re left out & excluded, not invited to reunions, birthdays, anniversaries… “ That’s right!! you don’t belong - you would never treat others the way they treat you.. Do yourself a favor & get away from nasty
ppl that don’t support you, Love & cherish you for you🥰
This is a great video. I'm just starting to feel like I fit and that people like me just fine. After 40 years of addiction and dysfunction, I have almost 5 years sober. I worked really hard on my trauma issues and behaviors for those 5 years, (with lots of focus on your videos, cuz they are so amazingly spot on), and will continue as long as I live. At 68, my life is so much happier and full and rich with some decent friends now, and I never thought it would be true. My heart breaks for people when they say they can't do the work or they have no hope for themselves, because another lie is believing that is true. I feel gratitude and hope and strength these days, most of the time. Love to you Anna, and all the people who struggle and try to do what might feel difficult or impossible. We all rock!!!
Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you Becky for sharing this. Yours is a moving and inspiring example of experience, strength and hope. Many thanks.
Thank you for posting words of encouragement. Team Fairy
❤ Proud of you❤
Ah @beckythornton6470 you have given me hope. At 62 I just discovered CCF and Anna. I would love to join you in celebrating a fuller, richer life with people who feel decent and good to be with. I’m sure they’re near. Just need to connect. Working on it.
I relate to a lot of these. I had many negative experiences with my jobs. I felt like I was never going to have friends because I was shy and serious. I didn't feel I belonged around family or at school. I would give all I had to friendships and accept crumbs. I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time and I struggled with self-esteem. I kept wondering when my mental health and wellbeing would improve but didn't know how to accept myself, my personality, my looks, my insecurities. I still have so much work to do!
Understand same and still learning, as well. Glad for CCF and this channel for helping healing with affirmation of many shared thoughts and experiences. When anxious or stressed - acknowledging origins of why and imagining I will feel better, if only for a moment in midst of navigating pain, gives me some relief knowing it won’t or doesn’t have to last, until it does pass . All the best 🙏😌🕊️
Great vid. I run away from people and distance myself all the time. Better safe than sorry. Moved away from my family years ago.
I still believe that people speak their true thoughts when intoxicated and I take what they say seriously and feel like it’s clearly red flags. 🤷🏻♀️
I agree. Or when things are said in anger.
As a recovered/recovering alcoholic (10 years sober), I can tell you that this is not always true. Alcohol distorts and warps the truth, and a weird thought or dream can become reality. I have memories I can't trust, and I see this at play in my alcoholic brother. He comes up with stuff that NEVER HAPPENED and believes it to be true. Red flags are right. If someone is drinking, get the hell away from them. They'll say anything, and you can't trust it.
I see both sides of it. Your inhibitions are down so you speak more truth, and at other times its just nonsense. Ive seen this in myself, when recalling the night before conversations about the odd topic that came up that isint like me at all. Having CPTSD and having my mind filled with rumination, having a couple drinks has (at times) allowed me to relax and think of some creative projects etc. But for the majority it has caused me to make an @ss out of myself. Can anyone keep a balance of it over decades?! It sure isint me.
Sex should be the last thing that happens getting into a relationship. Dating is for collecting data on someone first. Women are emotionally based ,sex makes them more involved. A man is driven by lust first when they meet you .if he is still consistently showing interest without sex then you know hes interested in you not just looking sex.
It’s a trap. Sex is their #1 goal with you. Sorry but it’s true 95% of the time. I’m still trying to figure out why its the single things that drives them.
Facts.... Throws women off when a guy doesn't push for the sexual side as much but it should show he's very serious about her and doesn't want to risk the long term for short term pleasures
I'm 67 and moved to another country and still can't find a place where I belong. Thank you for helping us all understand our trauma responses.
I had an ex Psychologist tell me at age 48 that my parents ruined my life. That was so hurtful. I'm not a broken person!! I had no insight at that time, and this Doctor took advantage of my lack of experience.
Its up setting qhen a professional does the opposite of helping you out. Its like well if I can trust them who can I trust. I have only gone to a phycologist once and he never said much and always asked me about people in my life I told him were no longer living. I am now a therapist and I try to not make the same mistakes as he did. Hope you find someone to can talk to that you can trust.
Same for me. About the 6th shrink I saw at about 40 yo told me, "Your patents set u up for failure." Pretty damn sure he was right.
Both girlfriends that I’ve been friendly with for 35 years and the other 45 years, and both knew my struggles, have both ghosted me after all these years. I’m still trying to understand why neither bothered to confront me prior to simply turning their backs on me. And as so common to many of us, I have questioned myself first and foremost, yet also realize their lack of confronting me is on them. I feel so crazy presently I can barely get myself dressed and out of my place. Everything feels like bullshit to me, and a huge waste of time.
It does feel like there's no meaning and no reason to keep trying.. I wish you strength 🖤 things Will change - things always change. So there's hope.
@@MassageMagick1111 wow…..you’re a sick person.
Hang in there
11 years has seen me approach 25 women for a date. So far, so good. No dates, not even a sultana.
But good news: a dog in Luton, UK, can eat with a fork n knife
I can almost guarantee you they tried to have this conversation with you at least a thousand times. They probably did tell you how your behavior affected them negatively, and like so many others with CPTSD (and what I call CPTSD rooted narcissism), you didn't hear them. You did not listen to them, likely. After a while, it's only a normal human response to get tired and fed up eventually. They stayed around for decades before they ghosted you.
I am not trying to kick you while you're down, but I'm telling you how it is from the other side, a side likely as one of your former friends.
There's only so much a human being can take. Perhaps try and see it from their point of view and your role in the end of the friendships.
.
LOVE this entire topic! Just talking about this how my marriage was just what I fell into and didn’t really want it at all, I see it was from childhood upbringing trauma. And I learned to just settle with people and even things until I finally woke up to love my truth and authenticity.
Thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Good on you!!!❤
OMG. I'm 58 and I'm fucked! Only fully realised how terrible it has become from listening to several of these videos and saw a replay in my head of how I recently sat my 16 year old daughter down and laid out all the reasons why she should never get married. This was so unfair to her and I deeply regret it but don't know how to backtrack? My life has spiralled totally out of control following my divorce 5 years ago and having to re-locate to a small house in town. I am buried in clutter and chaos. I fractured my shoulder 6 weeks ago and my self imposed isolation became a nightmare as I can't drive and am now relying on the kindness of strangers for help as I have distanced or ditched all friends and family. The injury will take several months to heal. Always struggling to manage with a tiny income. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD but I am wondering if it is more likely CPTSD? If not for the joy my daughter brings me (and then I try to sabotage the poor thing) I find it so difficult to imagine a brighter future.
I have felt this on various degrees, like I am always intruding wherever I go, even shopping. It's not so bad now, partly because I've confronted it in my journaling, but when I was younger I rarely went outside for years. Something related to this is feeling like nothing applies to me, like when adverts or competitions etc say "you" the target is never me, it's always other people
I never organically thought that I should take "whatever I can get." To not bother going to college and just be grateful for the cashier job at the local IGA grocery store and marry whoever asks because it might be the only one.
That way of thinking was implanted into my mind.... was put there by my own Dad.
He would say "there is no point in going to college. Youre lucky you have that job at the store, just stay there.
And eventually you'll meet a man and he will like you and if he asks to marry you, you should accept so take it because there wont be anyone else."
Then my Dad added this wonderful tidbit. "Oh and by the way ...if you do ever get married, know that I have NOTHING FOR YOU!"
We were sitting at a toddlers birthday party and my dad says "see these cups and plates (bright colored plastic and paper)if I were you, I'd just plan to have a wedding like this ...I don't have anything for you."
So that's how I started my 20s.
No self esteem.
Probably will fail college
Just marry someone... anyone who asks.
From age 22 - 42 I was an oddball because I would tell the guy all the reasons he shouldn't date me...just to see if he would stay. And he wouldn't. So I got to prove my Dad right.... no one will want you. Take anyone.
I’m 67 and have felt like I belong nowhere, have no one, and have nothing. I’m currently isolating. From some of the painful comments I now know I don’t belong here either.
I isolate, and apparently that's not what you're supposed to do...? I feel a heavy need to protect myself when I feel low. I don't wanna slosh my pain around. I'm sending you a virtual hug 🫂
I truly relate to this
@@lh9761 (((((hugs to you also)))))
I’m so sorry to all of us who suffer as such. And yes it is incredible painful…does anyone else feel like they are brain dead at times. I feel like I couldn’t but a congruent sentence together to possibly have a conversation with another except my dogs. No judgement on their part, and no weird steers at me like I have three heads.
We completely understand that feeling. I'm so glad you're here, this whole community is here to support you. -Calista@TeamFairy
I do feel like I don’t belong sometimes. I grew up in a household with abuse, and I was the scapegoat. I later lived with another family member who was a narcissist who isolated me from people and I lost most of my friends and they smeared me to the community making me feel more cut off. In school I was generally not well liked because I was “weird,” among other things. I later realized that most likely autism. I still meet people time to time who instantly take a disliking to me. Many people who like me I can tell aren’t good company. There are some people who really get me but they are rare.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Glad you are here!
I was finally able to leave an emotionally abusive marriage almost a year ago, and angry defensiveness really resonates with me due to a surveillance and smear campaign mounted by my husband. I'm working on being more positive and having an open mind when approaching different situations so I have more positive experiences.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that, but it's wonderful you're putting in the work to better yourself and your outlook on things :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Living well is the best revenge 😘
Great stuff here. Thanks so much Anna... I realized that sometimes however we truly do not belong and that is ok with me now. I do not belong with the catty group of gossiping co workers and a few of them go out of their way to make sure I know but I do NOT care anymore because now I am finally true to me and I love me and have raised my standards.. they don't choose me, but I wouldn't choose them either because they are the ones who are NOT good enough!
Just want to thank all these kind souls here, reaching out and being vulnerable, thanks to you all, my loneliness and pain are lessened. Wishing you all healing, transformation, safe affection and consistent care, safety, respect and security with friends and loved ones.
You do you!!😍😍😍🤩🤩🤩
So spot on. I over share about accomplishments as to need validation. I have to rein it in. Fortunately, I quit drinking 16 years ago. I didnt feel accepted in the 12 step community. I am native in a non native community. I have been meditating and working on myself worth. I was beat down by my mom physicially but mostly mentally as i took car of her until she passed in nov. She was 91. I never did anything right. I deel like a shell of a person. I had no support and was treated similarly by my boss. I was fired and lost at least 5 ppl close to me including my mom. I have been in a state of dysregulation since i lost my job in may. The meditation and my two therapists have literally been my life saver. Thank you for your counsel!
This is so very true for me. I struggle with trusting anyone. "They're all lying to me," is the tape that plays in my head. I probably pushed people away without and didn't even know it.
I am 54 yrs old and this has been such an eye opener to me, thank you
This really hit me. I’ve never felt that I belonged or that one day someone will find out I’m not good enough to be part of a group or even a job. It’s a really awful part of CPTSD and one of the most difficult for me to let go of.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna, wow. Believing lies for so long, so many decades wasted. Thank you for your honest words, and validation that what I saw but struggled to see as true instead of the lies of being called too sensitive.
wow so glad to find A Good Fairy, I have done some work by myself and you confirmed it and also shed light on where more needs to be done, but how awesome to find an experienced Fairy who speaks my language. You are so cool! Yay!
16:35 the way you expressed that it's a big thing to have boundaries for us..... and I felt that and laughed and was overcome with joy
You elucidate and clarify, so many things that have been in my life that I have not been able to capture/grasp in order to understand and heal, and you bring it up with understanding, clarity and enough humor that it doesn't trigger me, but instead enlightens me. So many "Ahaaa!" moments for me to process and pay attention to. ❤ Thank you so much! ❤
I am so thankful for your work!! Really appreciate it.. All best from Germany! ❤
You are a true inspiration! Thank you for taking the time to make these videos, they are so helpful and informative! You have helped me understand a lot about myself!
I just want to cry when I watch this. Thank you Anna
this vid is the bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!! so so to the point and a big ah ah vid for me. it's about the specifics which were awesome, but it's about a larger feeling of hope - hope that what you feel will get better with some awareness and tools. thanks for the tools anna ...the clarity is a light blue crystal...
This channel is amazing. It’s what this world needs. Look at how many of us relate and that is only the fraction…it almost seems like whole generations were traumatized.
Getting it out there, to hear it frankly, is really a helpful contrast.
Thank you for these videos Anna...this is meeting me right where I am right now. It's so helpful to hear you vulnerably voice your experience as someone who has survived C-PTSD. I felt so alone in my struggle for so long, not knowing I had it because it was all I had ever known, and ashamed to tell people what I was really going through. It's a breath of fresh air to know there is a community of trauma survivors out there.
O...M...G! I feel like you based these on me... so painful to hear but such a relief at the same time. I feel fear that I have been living a lie
It is scary and humbling... WOW, Anna....thank you❤
Wow, just put them all in the forefront. This is powerful! Great job Anna
I'm enjoying the hope you are sharing. Healing is possible
Your videos are slowly and steadily changing my life. Thank you so much for that. ❤
Thank you!!! All of these are lies/ things that I'm overcoming...my attachment wounds and feelings, like I never fit in anywhere, and that I'm not good enough for the love or life that I want. I know, now, that I deserve love, peace and happiness... i appreciate your insight and candid explanations, so much! As I relearn who I am and what I want... I finally feel lighter and freeer❤
Anne i know from these stories you had people in your life who cared and took you in. Even a person who cared enough to take you under their wing and show you about daily writing your resentments and fears. i can imagine that helped you come through w all your wisdom and hope
Im glad your tank got filled enough to get to sharing your wisdom
Yes!! That feeling that everything is "just temporary" - it's not just you, Anna! I relate SO much. :) It's like living life one step removed. As I heal, that feeling is like a temperature gauge for me now. It shows me my progress, or (if it comes back) that I need to work on that aspect of my life. I recently (a year ago) fully recovered from BPD, and I could see I was getting healthier because I was "owning" my decisions for the first time ever, happy to take them into the future, and own my likes and dislikes.
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is sooooooo extraordinarily helpful. Thank you!
OM goodness 😊 You're telling my story. I've been to so many therapists and not one Understood How to Understand to Help Me. You're right it's never too late. You're a smart giving caring intelligent lady and you're no doubt helping an untold number of people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ Have Blessed Holidays 🌲☃️❄️
Yeah, I feel that way now, Anna, Thank you for being so real for us. Big Hug!
Super helpful insights. Probably the best description of what too seek in a partner, someone who elevates you mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and whose presence is calming and peaceful. Love it ❤
I love her snd her videos. I have taught myself a little technique that helps alot. Its called Reversing it. Instead of saying " I dont belong, I dont fit in", try saying THEY dont fit my definition of RESPECT! Therefore ThEY dont belong with me. Thats why Im distancing myself! Likewise for bad treatment at jobs, getting bamboozled out of a job: They couldn't respect ME! Of course, ask yourself if you really DESERVED the abandonment.Most of time , not!
I am so thankful for your channel!
You have been a huge instrument in my recognizing my childhood trauma and how it's shown up in my adult life Eben during my early parenting (looking back now)I use your channel to invoke topics between myself and my therapist.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you!❤❤🙏🏽🙏🏽
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I love your smile. It reminds me that I should smile, as well. I don't need to wear my sadness. Not that I'm denying my issues, but I really do have deep joy! I think sometimes Im afraid to trust that that the joy is REAL.
Yep. And no one cares to connect or help in times of need.
No one wants to hear about your struggles. I’ve tested this. I’ve expressed myself and People leave. “Friends” stop communicating. People are very shallow and only want to hear about the highlight reel . I isolate to see who really cares and honestly, no one does. 🤷♀️ it’s odd.
@@heatherc760 It's sad and I'm sorry you've felt it also.
Thank you so much for this video. This sheds a light on so much of my thinking for most of my life. I’m so grateful that you are sharing this information. 😊
I just wanted to say that every time I make time to watch your videos I learn something about how I am or who I am becoming! I have boarderline personality disorder and your instructional videos enhanced my last year as a single person, so that I could buckle down in therapy, journaling every day, and taking responsibility for my actions and my decisions! I am moving in with my partner this month. I feel scared about not living my life alone, but it was you who gave me hope that I could find a partner capable of taking care of themselves that loves me for who I am! I accept him in return, as he is also a childhood trauma survivor. Our life is far from perfect, yet we don’t have to face life and suffer alone any longer 😊
This content is so valuable! Thank you Anna, you have a beautiful spirit!
Interesting: just last week I was thinking about this very issue, and how the noise, and constant effort to determine who is the problem, is so exhausting that isolating is the solution. Actually thought through the entire process of the effort, and knowing that that is half the solution.
This video is literally a whole class. I got a half-hour in and decided to re-watch so I could take notes. Love it, thank you! Helps me take the blinders off.
Thank you for watching. Glad you're here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Some of your videos unleash a flood of tears. They are like a big hug of understanding. Thank you
Glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Another incredible video! You and Rebecca of Scapegoat Recovery somehow keep creating amazing, unique and such important work! To me, the two of you and the work you went through and what you share with us is finally shedding light on the longterm effects of abuse annnnnnd, to let us know how to heal and move forward.
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I have felt this way since I was a little girl and I’m 62. It’s a horrible way to live. I did OK when I was married and even when my best friend was alive and lived here but since my husband‘s death and my best friend’s death, it’s been awful. And I’m so grateful for these videos because I haven’t known what to do and it’s still very hard. I thought someone was trying to help me and he just kept calling me names and he started out really great and then he became mean it’s like he lured me in to trust him and then it just got bad and worse so I really appreciate these videos. Thank you so very much.
I'm so sorry to hear that. We're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna, whatever your childhood trauma was, I am so glad that it led you to explore healing and help people who are still struggling. If you had not gone through that, you might not be as smart about all this as you are, and people like me would not be benefiting from how much you understand and what you have to teach.
Thank you for your kind comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
An awesome AA neighborhood/ city is such a gift! The “old-timers” have known each other for decades (usually wise, talented, funny, kind) and show up to help new people. Then all of a sudden you have a few months sober and so does your new friend who started when you did. That’s such a powerful bond. Another day you may happen to see a new, scared person come in and you say ‘hi, everyone is super nice and you can talk a lot, or not at all… w.e. you want. The coffee is over there.. do you wanna sit with me? ‘
A bunch of people who lived a ‘badass’ life and only want to be healthy and sensible from now on… PRETTY pretty pretty good. A riot. Trust me.
Thank you. You are a breath of fresh air in the space I’m in right now. ❤
Crappy Childhood Fairy, May God always be with you. Ive watched hundreds of hours of YTube vids over the last 7 months, trying to figure out this situationship I was in. ( A narcissistic acting man who was a dismissive avoidant and who was also playing with me and even himself.) Im so blessed that the algorithm finally landed me here because of all of the expert psychoanalysts I have listened to, the break up coaches, out of all of these people, it took YOU and only one video to break my trance with this loser and our situationship. Thank you for starting me down a path tiward BEING HEALED.
I can't tell you how many times I have clicked on your newestbvideo and it was PRECISELY what I was going through at that moment. Like today, as I am at my desk "interning:", almost no feedback or communication, and I start spinning...my mind saying, "You don't belong here.... ". I am able to listen as I continue my work, and I am really grateful. It is like emergency first aid today, the trauma unit. 🙏🏼
There are so many parallels in the shape of your and my histories. Thanks for all you share.
Thank you for what you do to help us! I appreciate you so much. 🤗
I just learned some examples of disregulation when you mentioned some. Yes have experienced a few. Id like to learn more about why a person gets disregulated, how they can understand what leads up to a person being disregulated, how they can minimize doing so. How to be kind to yourself after "losing it" and learn about your nature, and responses.
Omg I just found this channel yesterday, and I am consuming information as I am consuming water, it's amazing! You appeared at the right time in my life and you are keeping me on the right track and explaining so many things that are right now developing in my life. God bless you for all the help you are sharing to all of us! Extremely greateful for your videos, what a beautiful thing you are doing here! ❤
Thank you so much! So glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
There is so much great stuff here. I am going to listen to it a few times, and try to focus specifically on how to have more confidence in my own perceptions. I have been a habitual "rescuer" in the Codependancy Triangle, and at 52 I often still don't recognize the emotional vampires in my life... until I have lots much sleep over having these people in my life. This was a great one to run accross today, also, as I have just made the "executive decision" to rid my life of someone who is extremely unhealthy and as no desire to get professional help. I am still baffled as to why I will self sacrifice even for someone that I don't really even LIKE, as a person. Do you have any videos around this feeling of "I HAVE TO find a way to help them!" Why does it feel like MY responsibility to always go above and beyond to help people, even when I don't even care for them and can see them as rude, selfish, and even abusive to others? Well, I suppose this has likely all come from the whole parental reversal that happened with my mother, who was always an emotional unhinged. I suppose that is the only time I felt worthy or good about myself, as this was the only time I felt at all appreciated. I will look for tips around this also.
Codependent tendencies are a classic CPTSD behavior so you're not alone!
Overfunctioning often goes along with that, too. Here's a recent video:
Burned Out, Resentful, and Busy All The Time? You Might Be an OVERFUNCTIONER
th-cam.com/video/MwEd7XHCB4o/w-d-xo.html
Also, Anna has a whole bunch of videos that focus on codependency, so I'm just going to link to a search of them, and you can start with the ones that call most strongly to you:
www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy/search?query=codependent
Julie@TeamFairy
Listening to this at 5 AM in the morning while I get ready for work it’s hard hold back the tears. Thank you for your insight and channel. I truly and greatly appreciate it.
I really needed to hear this today, thank you. You are such a smart and special person, and your wisdom is a gift. Much love.💓💓💓
Thanks for your comment! TeamFairy
Hello Anna!!
Thank you so much! I was able to end my unhealthy relationship with so much ease and almost zero guilt after watching your videos, taking in a lot of your tips, and doing some major self-reflection. This is life-changing, and I really feel like God brought your channel to my attention! I started watching your videos only a week ago, and I've never had so much clarity or validation. (By the way, I've been in therapy for three years and on ADHD meds for two.) I just ended my 1 year relationship with someone whom I thought was "The One." He was absolutely avoidant, and I wasn't perfect either in the relationship. (Very clingy, emotionally deregulated, people pleaser) However, he used my issues against me, especially whenever I would blame myself or take any accountability. The only time he would take accountability is when I would explode, and even then, he would just victimize himself. He had so many expectations of me, and I had expectations of him too. However, I was more than ready to compromise and “people please”, but he didn't want to change anything or work on anything. I felt so alone in our relationship. He had gotten so used to lying to me and only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, and said this was because of his insecurities and my reactions. There were major trust issues due to him lying so much throughout our relationship yet, I was to blame for my trust issues. AS IF!!! I'm meeting with my therapist this week, and I have made a journal log of my past trauma, bad habits, and reasons for why I SERIOUSLY believe that I have CPTSD. Again, I have never felt so heard and validated in my life. The clarity I have is heaven-scent thanks to you and God.
P.S I’ve also just became a member and I’m looking forward to starting your courses. ❤
Welcome. What a great story of healing!
Yes You can heal! ❤ Former Stepchild 😂 Now I'm an overcomer! I'm loved so deeply, and I'm learning to use my unique gifts to serve others. 💕
Thank you Anna.... For compiling all these videos together for easier learning... And for all you do ...
You are welcome 😊
Anna, I appreciate you and your work. I can actually receive the help from you. I hear you and sooooo relate.
Thank you so much! So glad you are here.
TeamFairy
Bless that poor lady Kim, never go there and do something you will later beat yourself about. A hard life indeed but you can heal. They will wait if they care about you.
Remember this: Anyone who asks to invite a third person into the bedroom has not only lost interest in you, but even worse, they no longer have respect for you. It never ends in your favor.
Thank you Anna for validating my feelings. Your youtubes have given me tools to start to heal. Grateful for your honesty and encouragement to get out there to help others through your pain...! ❤
You consistently put the “human” in “humanistic.” Thank you for your wisdom❣️
Thank you so much. You're so sweet and reassuring. I really need this right now. Bless you.
I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy