I just did it. After 2 years I realized it was only sex. He wanted sex only. After he broke up for another time he asked me to sens him erotic photos of me. I am glad I refused.
For anyone reading, if that person is confusing you and making you feel unsafe, unsure and insecure, used, disappointed, empty it's likely there's a very good reason and you're not making it up! You deserve way better than those things. You will feel more satisfied, loved and confident from your own self-love when you reject and cut out those people than you will playing their game for the selective crumbs of attention they give you
This is so true and I keep forgetting this! I think about how many people in my life don't cause these feelings, I don't doubt they care for me... yet I tend to get unraveled when it happens with some men, thining there is a "deeper issue I have that if only I could fix I would have love"....
And most every one of us have been there... Yeah, I actually feel more lonely in that situation, than being alone. And, I mean, I think people underestimate having a support group. I am so, so lucky I have two friends! Non-judgmental, but still give it to me straight, friends that I can turn to. Thank you so much for your comment. One sentence, that really hit hard. All the best you from Tulsa
I'm not responsible for the bad behavior of men who misrepresent their intentions with me. I am responsible for how I respond after seeing behind the mask of deception! After being burnt, I now take things slowly and watch for red flags. Boundaries are my friend!
This! This is the truth and maturity I am taking forward with me. I'm proud of our self esteem in light of these superficial users. I am not responsible for someone's intentional manipulation of me. But I am now wiser and will listen to my intuition if I detect these patterns.
it sounds simple but these guys have a way of towing the line, blurring the line, and remaining ambiguous with their promises, energy and intentions so that people with PTSD start gaslighting themselves. once you heal and notice the red flags which CCF helps with a lot, then it's a lot more straight forward what the red flags are
@@KoozomecAyo, don’t do kids dirty like that. Children can be very good and can respect deep fulfilling relationships. These dude-asses are selfish sociopaths. 😒
@@91toinfinity That's not what he's referring to. He's saying nice as in not far below what you can afford and that requires no thought, etc. I'm poor due to my disabilities but my husband still takes me to places we consider nice for birthdays and such. It's when you don't want to "waste" your money on someone that it's bad. Like when I went on a few dates with a guy before I met my husband and he had a fit about having to buy dinner at Taco Bueno but he was taking another girl out for steak because he thought she would put out.. she didn't lol! I know because we were acquaintances.
@@jenniferwells2291 I completely agree with you..it depends on the man if he wants to invest on you. Whatever he has, he would try to share with you with whatever means he can afford to spend on you if he is genuinely interested and invested in you.
These guys want to "just hang out," at your place or theirs, because they hope sex will happen. They want to be with you in a private place. "Hanging out" is a huge red flag if you want a relationship, imo. Insist on actual dates and weed out the users up front!
I know a man who took me for dates , literally cared for me , provided me emotional availability, didnt want sex (although desired) but was afraid to commit. I courageously dropped him down.
I know for me I have actually been turned off by sex from the disappoint from sex being the only thing they want from me when I want love, affection, and companionship. Ugh I’m so depressed about all the mistakes I’ve made just adding to the CPTSD. Long road ahead for sure
Yep & stay celibate!!! The Narcissistic want to get you on your back as quick as possible. The 1s that don't even want to take you out are dusties!!! Cut them immediately.
She was brainwashed to think that lowering her expectations of a man is going to get her a marriage proposal. It’s actually the opposite: the guy must do multiple things to show his interest.
This really helped Erin!!!! I think that’s what happened to me! My mom was very controlling and said I couldn’t move out until a man came and proposed to me! And this was in 2011! Like dang this ain’t the 1950’s anymore
@@Portia620Sex is prize for some women, like me, not something we "give" to exchange for male love. The point is not giving to this men more then that.
That’s literally me. The self - neglect and feeling unimportant as a child has transferred in adulthood and putting others first, no need to be spoilt or taken out, compromising yourself all the time … thank you for this video.
Same ... 😞 At 57,... Reconnected with an old boyfriend (from 24 years ago) with whom I had a purely hook-up "relationship, " ...now, he's on the verge of divorce -- still residing w her ( because of the kids -- grown up, 20 & 23). Initially, 6 weeks ago when we reconnected, he was So Complimentary; my brain, my kindness, my looks --- and told me " Omg, Sue, I want you So Much!!" But. That hasn't happened. -- just kissing, oral pleasure FOR HIM ( next time, he says, it's " all about " Me. But, that hasn't happened. Real dates ?? -- promises, ..but cancels due to exhaustion..( he Does have a health issue,...) promises he'll " Make it up to me,".. but Hasn't. Like the OP, I'm afraid to say what I want; Afraid ( I'll push him away if) I tell him I need something Real, a true relationship, a committed connection.... I DID TELL HIM that I don't do casual sex, anymore. No hook-ups,..I need there to Be Something, between us. So, I wait, ---- text cute, romantic things, respond to his sexy texts and words, ..don't go out with Anyone else --- but, we haven't had " That Talk "..idk what he thinks or feels ... is he also exclusive?? Is he chatting to/ flirting with Other women..? ( he's well-known in our town, having Always been in popular rock bands; WOMEN LOVE HIM!!! He gets A lot of female attention.. Idk what to do. He Makes me feel.. like I'm on a cloud, walking on air,.. I want what we NEVER had 24 yes ago; a Real relationship, commitment, exclusivity, ...to be his Girlfriend in public, to lie on the couch with him after work in the evenings ... He ❤ loves snuggling, cuddling -- me giving him oral sex ... but, again, THAT hasn't been Reciprocated ..he just SAYS he wants to do that. Sigh. Repeating " the pattern" ...again.
@@suzanne4396 I’ve learned that staying away from people from the past is essential because most will view you from the same lens they did in the past. They also come back around because they believe they could easily take from you again & their supplies are limited, so they break out the black book or look you up on Facebook & say how they never forgot you to suck you back in. My mantra….. NO PAST PEOPLE!!
@@suzanne4396 You "say" you're not into casual hookups.... But then you do. Do you even know who you are? You're not going to have a fulfilling relationship with...a married man. "For the kids?" Who are in their 20's? Seriously girl? Find someone else if you must have someone. But find yourself first.
I think emotional abuse and volatility causes us to purposely leave things ambiguous and shy away from asking tough questions as a way of avoiding anything that could set off a negative reaction from the other person. I've learned that if a dynamic makes me afraid to communicate directly, it's not a dynamic I want to be in. The people that deserve to be in my sphere can handle the discomfort of addressing things in a way that respects my boundaries. And to quote Matthew Hussey, "When a man tells you he's not looking for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM."
Since I started watching and actually taking lessons from this channel, my love life has improved so so much. Boundaries are firm, red flag detector activated and surprisingly accurate, feet on the ground approach about what I want and need from a potential partner. Everyone else who drains my romantic energy with breadcrumbs of attention can go away. I know I'm capable of secure attachment and emotional intimacy, despite my trauma, just need to find the right person who is also healthy and stable. I don't care if it takes me years, I won't settle for any less than I deserve. High standards are attractive which I only saw when I realised the people Im attracted to have high standards and value their time and energy. Boundaries are sexy. Self respect is sexy. Entertaining time-wasters to fill a void is covertly painful, and we're in denial about who we really are with them. I won't abandon myself after I just found her again ❤️🙏 Thank you Fairy for being in my life x
Same. I used to feel ''chemistry'' precisely when and only when somebody was tinkering with the idea of having sex with me. Like they kind of liked me, but not enough to do anything serious about it. If somebody wanted to get to know me, I found that too.... intrusive (?) I'm not so bad now but I'm 51 now so I've stopped trying to meet somebody.
I've recently realized that I am only attracted to men who will ultimately treat me like crap, and the sweet, healthy men are not ones I want to date. I know its because I am subconsciously attracted to guys that recreate the dynamics of my childhood - emotionally unavailable men make me want to work to prove myself worthy. Now that I know this I am working to fix it.
"You don't have boundaries because of your abusive past, you have boundaries because you're human." -- I felt that one go right down deep into my soul. Thank you Fairy
Every boundary, even the individualst ones, are OK and good for you! If you need someone that is a vegetarian too, than this is a Personal boundary of you, as an example. And it's not only reduced on sex things. WE can have boundsries in many ways. It's just the question, If WE want to wait, until this person comes... People that smoke, drink, eat meat, scream at their dogs when they don't behave, and so on, they are easy to find. The other ones are more rare and special and have raised their conciousness allready.
It seems to be *SO* common to have had an obviously abusive relationship with a classic controlling man, and then follow it up with a totally different type of harmful relationship. The type of ''relationship'' where you are side-chick/place-holder with a spiritual narcissist type who says things like ''you're as free as you believe you are'', tells you he doesn't want a girlfriend but then goes on to ignore *every* boundary between friendship and a relationship. So just like the abusive relationship from your past, you realise you gave yourself away for "2.99 just because ''he'' asked a bit more nicely. He didn't shout. But you gave yourself away again.
I've done that so many times the more nice they were I thought of he takes me out to dinner but he doesn't want a relationship but he's really respectful maybe one day he will want to be my boyfriend. This is after being in a physically abusive relationship or abuse from family. My thought process was this isn't as bad as that so this must me right. I didn't know what was right or wrong because I thought they are nice but they still weren't giving me what I wanted or respecting me. I wasn't respecting myself because I didn't know how. It's interesting that some people have to learn this because they aren't taught boundaries are grew up in a toxic environment.
Omg "you're as free as you believe you are".... that really sounds like the man I was with before "Steve". Just these vague, seemingly "kinder" notions of male/female dynamics that seems so alluring, like a promise of a world where all the stuff that has proved difficult to navigate is somehow irrelevant. Yet you are so right... it ends up being just to prop up a situation that suits HIM. Seductive but leading the way to control; a hallmark of manipulation (conscoiusly or unconsciously). Thank you for your thoughts. Makes me think, in my case at least: "My dad in sheep's clothing" lol.
Casual sex is the top of self disrespect. Of course men need to marry to be with you. Because you are worthy. We need to respect ourselves more girls ❤
Freud said it right "We choose not randomly each other. We meet only those who already exists in our subconscious.” - Every story is nearly the same. The letter writer loves someone who are just like their parents.
Run Forrest 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ Run. He just want the cookie. You deserve more. You are lovable. I am proud of you for reaching out to Anna. Don't comply with him. Run. He is "breadcrumbing" you. You are a whole full course baby not a snack. Don't feel bad, I have been guilty of this 4 times. But I found Anna and now I am working on my boundaries.
I've absolutely been through this. The guy said he was single, but he was actually "taking a break" from his real relationship. It really hurts to feel like you were just being used for sex, when you really actually wanted love. I never wanted casual encounters, but also didn't want to go years and years with no intimate contact! I do believe we accidentally attract the wrong people on a subconscious level when we've had unhealed trauma as well. It does take two to tango though, and the blame is definitely not all on us (I blamed myself for a long time). The person stringing you along is ABSOLUTELY getting off on it!! They enjoy it!! It's not innocent. Don't give them the credit of being misunderstood (as I did). They are complete scum!! They know exactly what they are doing to you. They have insecurities and are using you to feed their ego. If they were mentally healthy, they would not even engage with someone they don't see a real future with.
My wife and I have had a falling out and it's very hard to see a future together and I know that feeling of not even wanting to make any effort anymore and I keep on praying and asking God to make me feel like she's the one again so I'll feel like I want to provide and protect her and I got such a feeling while I was at work and then when I got home I had that great feeling within me and I told her just how I was acting and my tone and expression was very loving and she reciprocated that we were going to make love tonight if we don't get in an argument that is... And so when it came time to go home from the pet store which she came along she had forgotten her vape and so I pulled over and while I was looking for it under her seat I noticed the cheese I just bought for her was out of the package a little bit and on the floor. I remembered how she would say she didn't want something if it hit the floor before and so I mentioned it and she said it was okay but so much for a resealable package and this wouldn't have happened if I would have just got them to slice the cheese straight from the block and not get the deli meat that they pre-slice in the morning. However when I was going into the store she told me to hurry up and so when she asked for the cheese I knew it would be much quicker to just pick up that pre-sliced package of boar's Head cheese. So her comment really hurt me and as we drove home I told her the double was trying to get us. Because I could just feel the contention and I didn't like how she made that comment about the sliced cheese and if I would have just done that the cheese wouldn't have gotten on the floor because I knew in my heart that she just plopped it on the floor. So I'm feeling all hurt and as we're almost home she starts kicking water bottles because they are on the floorboard and as she was doing it she also is kicking the cheese on accident. I told her do you know what you're doing because in my mind I thought she was kind of having a temper tantrum but I wasn't sure so I worded it like that. She got really mad at that statement and she told me that I made her feel like a low woman having a temper tantrum.... So she kind of knew what I was thinking unconsciously by the way I said...."do you know what your doing?" I talked to somebody at work and they said you should have told her hey honey you're kicking the cheese and that would have been that but instead I was slightly passive aggressive....So here's where it gets really interesting while she was looking for her vape but she thought she left at the pet store She accidentally called 911 so they heard the whole cheese argument. When I got inside our garage she stayed in the car and asked for an apology for saying do you know what you're doing.....and making her feel bad. I went upstairs and then I went back downstairs after I said a prayer and calm down and try to explain why I felt like she might have been having a temper tantrum but I was trying not to assume so I said do you know what you're doing. That wasn't what she wanted to hear so she slammed the car door because I didn't apologize and then she said three or four minutes later she could hear hello hello coming out of her purse and somehow she told me that she texted me before she heard the hello hello because I was getting texts after I went back upstairs of her saying I'm staying in the car until you apologize. I really didn't believe that story but oh well she really did pocket dial them on accident I guess and I tried to get to the bottom of how she didn't realize the police were coming and why she didn't text me that but I guess that's not that much of a problem but I did make a big deal out of it because I was kind of mad that the police came and she didn't let me know in those texts as if she knew that they were coming and failed to tell me in a text but she did tell me because she ran upstairs and I was outside and she did try to call me but the calls weren't coming through. Nothing really happened but then at the end of the night I was tired I was trying to cook dinner and I had to wake up at 4:40 and I was cooking dinner at 9:30 and she started to get on me about the chores I did sweet but I didn't mop yet and I was just trying to cook dinner so I could go to bed and she started saying I need to mop and so I started saying please leave me alone I really have to work I'm sorry It's not like you always do your chores the dishes were still out from the night before you know and I just was still being bugged while I was cooking dinner so I finally just told her to shut it I said shut it after I told her to leave me alone because she wouldn't stop bothering me about how I didn't get the chores done but I needed to go to bed and when I said shut it she finally just pushed me and I told her you shouldn't push me and so she pushed me again. I really didn't know what to say so I said you know the police were just here and you can't push I can call the police and they can take you away and she said I don't care and she said I be paying for the lawyer bills. We also we're having trouble with the dog not eating and personally in my own opinion I think it's because it's so emotionally distraught that it's not eating but because it didn't eat and we got this new food and it didn't want to eat the food she was really emotionally upset and so she started taking it out on the dog and I told her don't yell at the dog that's not going to help it eat and then she went after the dog when it went in its cage and started picking up the cage and shaking it saying why aren't you eating and I was just saying at least that you can't do that and it's something so bad and I love that dog and it's just terrible and I love my wife and she's going through so much but I don't want to be in this relationship I wish it would work out but it's just it's so toxic and bad and this morning she said I apologize and can we put this all behind me but I doubt that.
This happened to me with an ex partner. This is so humiliating to look back on. I was young and naive. He devalued me at the same arms length while stringing me along in the prime of the breakup pain. He was always reaching out and then I slowly pulled the plug as I was recovering from heartbreak at the same time. VERY intentional. I didn't see him as that much of an insecure asshole while I was with him. I wouldn't want to believe I could attach to someone so selfish who saw me as... likely... an idiot. I agreed to friendship later down the line and as soon as I referred to him platonically and openly he tried to pull the date card! To which I cut off all contact again shortly after without bringing it up. I explained how I felt the first time so he knew he should back off with the mind games. As soon as I recognized that lens in which he was viewing me (a stupid woman) I cut him off entirely.
Absolutely. I’ve seen many people do that, even of both genders, and they are very conscious of it. It’s a way of collecting attention and boosting your ego, hurting people consciously for a power trip. They’re aware of it. They way such people tell stories about the victims of their charms who they strung along made me realise it’s a rule rather than an exception. When you’re strung along or given mixed signals they want you to be hurt and long for them.
@@chankero4776 totally agree. I read and observed a lot. They are not built for relationships same way women are. Some can have relationships, even long term, but they have different temperaments. They don’t need same things we need in relationships. Their emotional needs are different. They only put in effort when trying to win you over: any consideration for you, care, displays of affection are an EFFORT for them, whereas for women those acts, connection & love are self-fulfilling by themselves. it’s natural for us.
A message for Sophie and anybody who can relate to this as I do, you are one phase away from a whole new world in relationships. You didn't come this far to only come this far! What also helped me is to complete the 12 step program CODA. Yes it sucks, feels like it takes forever, and that you are late to the party but when you put all your time and energy into healing and reparenting yourself, in turn the right people will show up for you. The best is yet to come, you are worth it.💛
@@jerrenewest1983 Me too... I am 56 and have been struggling with this stuff for years, and I am still not in any kind of real relationship... Just some woman on web sites that I talk to... Anyway, I keep getting back up to keep trying to heal myself... This is really humbling stuff... It does take courage and a sense of not letting the emotional fear take one over... I've become a little more de sensitized by my fear and am not as fearful of letting apart of myself die in the moment in order to feel a breakthrough moment....
I feel like she needs to take "I felt rejected, used and disappointed," and take it off if **her** and realize that he REJECTED HER, USED HER AND DISAPOINTED HER. it wasn't just that she FELT that way (something that we use to make it *our* problem, and that we use to gaslighting ourselves to thinking that those feelings are unreasonable... like that's just my FEELING and the problem is that I need to change the way I FEEL about how he treats me, rather than thinking that we need to not LET HIM treat us that way, accept that treatment-- i.e. stop looking to him for what it is we are seeking cuz he doesn't have it to give us). It WAS that way. (This was as much for me as it was for her...)
Yes! And when she takes that power AND EVEN A BIT OF ANGER and DUMPS HIM, she will know how good it feels to get a garbage human being out of her life -- put the "crap" label where it belongs and feel good about herself again!
I really appreciate this distinction! The idea that I somehow STILL did something wrong because I felt this way, rather than see that he did these things, is what has caused me anguish. You're right, it's not unreasonable! And this describes a lot of how I've been: 'Oh... he treats me this way and it feels bad so I need to somehow figure out how to NOT feel bad about it"... ultimately, it comes down to that. And I think definitely related to being a kid when you really didn't have a choice when a parent was treating you back. When I see it written here, I realize how backwards that is. Won't let them treat me this way and very key to not look to him (again, dad issues I think) Yes! Much better.
I had to screen shot this. So when I get into those thoughts I'm going to read this!!!!! A reminder. This piece of knowledge will be priceless for me!!! Thank you!!!
As a woman divorced with children and mid 30s after abusive marriages, the most difficult part of the equation is finding someone who is both emotionally considerate and really into you. Even though men will tell me how pretty intelligent and hot I am, its sweet talk with no follow up. I've been trapped in the same dynamic as the poster. The problem is, even if you're highly intelligent and considered 'gorgeous' (their words not mine), they only offer casual, non monogamous sex consistently. Ive stopped dating for the last 18 months and have no plans to return. There are hundreds of thousands of emotional and physical vampires masquerading as seemingly single men. The only safe protection you have as a women is to never engage, pretend your asexual etc, even when you ache for human touch. Ironically I have great friendships with men of all ages without limerence (they are partnered) at work for years and years.
I'm going to crap on this fairy and tell you all the truth, us guys are physically stimulated. We aren't some Disney film character that is nice and yea some of us can be but for the majority every man is hardworking and pursuing the best interest for themselves, and they come in all shapes and sizes meaning they can be short tall fat skinny ripped abs obese hot ugly ect. Us men say that your beautiful because we are using our eyes, we aren't some robot that can detect what you feel inside and know the correct thing to say, there is no right or wrong when it comes to love just age difference. We only know as much as you let us know and besides we men can be the same way to. I think the major factor in this is trust and who started it first to asses the situation. We are currently enrolled in a culture where we have to be self reliant and for the most part that is the way to getting what you want but at the same time you could be missing partnership opportunities in groups or anything that involves 2 or more people so stepping out of that self sufficiency that is extorting love or developing our growth is detrimental, we need to restore order within ourselves to understand another's perspective. In other words we all are missing something in our lives, you just gotta figure that out for yourself and you'll stop making the same mistakes. Thank you for reading, like comment and share if you hate pandemics
@@chadcavio9823I mostly agree, but maybe don't engage with a woman sexually until you know her and want her as a girlfriend. Otherwise, you're just an animal and women will continue to see you that way. The only women that are ok in that dynamic are the ones after money. The ones that are sad about it, are there for more.
It really resonated with me when you said " you need to tell them what you need". unfortunately in our culture women are not thought that. We are supposed to be mysterious and quiet in the beginnings of relationship with men, be prepared for ambiguity, wait for men to make all decision and be receptive to what they want. This is a highway to all this emotional abuse.
If you're still feeling "LONELY" you aren't ready yet. I've been celibate for 4.5 years & I no longer feel a need to have a man in my life anymore. I sometimes want a romantic relationship but am free of most of that desire now. I live just for me now & am feeling sexier & more lovable than ever after 46 years of abusive relationships.
“Chemistry” is a red flag word for me. When operating from a wounded and not securely attached place, the body is chemically imbalanced (high levels of cortisol, etc).. “chemistry” becomes an unreliable measuring stick of compatibility. “Chemistry” says nothing about the potential partner’s consistency, accountability, boundaries, and character.
I met a lot of couples that have chemistry and healthy relationship, it’s just that they knew how to build one. But when you have no boundaries, chemistry hacks your brain and you’re giving way too much you should have, and thus, you get bad consequences. Chemistry isn’t a bad thing itself, it shows your sexual compatibility and the possibilyy of making children with better dna match (personally, I want everything - intellectual, spiritual and physical compatibility, for some reason people think you can only have one). And Mark Manson wrote an interesting article about it : he spoke of 3 types relationships. Passionated but wrong ones / boring but right ones / passionated AND right one (meaning, you find a respectful partner but you also have chemistry). This is a golden ratio for him, and i completely agree. I deeply disagree with the idea of having chemistry between partners being wrong. You want to enjoy your physical intimacy, smell them, hug them, have a sparkle in everything you do, laugh at small things - this is all chemistry. Just stop giving everything at once, and sift through good and bad partners, that’s all.
I agree Anna, I don’t think that we actively seek out toxic relationships. It seems to me it’s like a blind spot . After we are involved later it hits us.
Since I started watching your channel I stopped dating and realized that all my trauma has made me waste years of my life with almost relationships. I accepted so little that no one I dated wanted me to be their girlfriend or take it to the next level. No guy has ever taken me seriously. I never thought I was good enough to want more and receive more m. So I just put up with poor treatment. Now I'm working on myself I feel more at peace I deleted all my dating apps but sometimes I feel sad like I'm never going to meet anyone that will actually like me or appreciate me and if I do I will sabotage it with my insecurities. I see my friends and other people in loving relationships and I'm like how do people meet people like this that actually treat them so loving and want to go so far and beyond with love. It seems impossible for me to meet someone that actually likes me and respect me that I will also like. I don't know why I keep having these negative thoughts about myself and why I think it's too late or impossible for me. I've never been in a healthy relationship. I don't know if I've ever been in love with someone that wasn't toxic or wrong for me. Just makes me sad. I don't need a relationship I just desire a stable healthy relationship one day.
I feel you. 42 in a few days and still single :( i do not search, but keep attracting the unavailables. I do not 'need' anyone. It is a very lonely journey.. i also do not understand how others do it and never be on there own, jumping from one thing into another and yes offcourse with a lot of betrayal, so do not gey blinded on what you see and think happy realtionships are all about.
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 thanks 😊 I'm trying to be more positive. The closest I've come to a relationship was last year. I met this guy who seemed completely into me and we had similar backgrounds then I got scared and really insecure because I was scared he would suddenly lose interest. So all my rejection has traumatized me and I scared him away. He just slowly stop responding and lost interest. When I was confident and easy going he was interested then once I got really scared I started acting different and not the person I was when he first met me. I just don't know how to turn it off. That's why I cut off dating all together until I figure it out.
This really hitted deeply in me. Recently I'm quite good by myself after a while of getting hooked into Shit all Life Long, but rn I feel Like I surpress that in everyday Life that it actually scares me a Lot to think about If I can eventually relate to others in a healthy way with real connection. And I Numb myself a Lot. It feels Just sad that people who feel authentic and interested mostly arent into me or I Push them away because I'm Not attracted to Them but its prob Just me being scared by being Seen and vunerable.
While all your advice and observations are very sound, Anna, may I point out that, as asingle divorced mom of 46, I'm finding it extremely difficult to meet anyone on my level of maturity or integrity. Since i found myself single 7 years ago, i've yet to meet anyone who isn't deeply dysfunctional o at least just avoidant. I would say the average attitude in the world of singles here in North America is non-committal, casual and very superficial. No one wants a relationship and if they do, they are riddled with problems. What i'm trying to say is that men like the one Sophie encountered ARE the norm nowadays. And yes, one should not stick around for such men. But what ends up being the alternative is a life of loneliness and celibacy for many women saying no to men like Steve, but having no other types of men present themselves. I'm starting to wonder if it's a societal problem instead of an individual one.
It is societal problem! I been seeing myself how social media has produced highly narcissistic traits in people, and actually gave them a pat on the back for the selfish behaviors. It’s really not good. I see the good stuff in social media as well, but I think the bad outweighs the good if you want my honest opinion
This is what I’m going through. There’s plenty of men that want s3x, but it feels like there aren’t any men that actually like me, so I feel lonely & unable to connect
I agree with you. The norm these days is these texting men who can never show up. Leave you wondering and hurt you for no reason. It’s a bad time to be a good simple person. You have to learn all this to just keep yourself safe. ❤
I really agree with this. It’s a societal problem, there’s been a big change in how people engage. And women as a whole are enabling this, because men are getting the girlfriend experience… with no commitment. Not blaming women here, because I’m a woman and I have enabled a guy like this recently. Which is how I ended up here! It’s hard to be alone but I’m going to try again, because I don’t want to enable this guy, and then he’s going away on a boys bachelor soon. And I can’t handle this situationship anymore.
Thank you Anna. You are helping me break free of my limerence. You’re also helping me unpack a LOT of trauma that I’ve stuffed down my whole life. Keep up the tough love and the Fairy Pen. Some of us are picking up what you’re putting down.
This is why I am no longer interested in dating. I have always only attracted the wrong one. So now, I am only focusing on loving myself and just enjoying being with myself. I feel much better and am happy to not have the stress of a man my life.
If you're in a yo-yo relationship, it will NEVER, EVER become anything other than a yo-yo relationship. Women can't be friends or anything else with a man like that. The only solution to this problem is to block him absolutely from your life. Zero contact. You have more important things to do with your time.
I’m going through a yo-yo relationship right now for years :( I don’t know how to let go permanently.. even though it’s slowly destroying me, he keeps devaluing me, mentally abusing/ gaslighting me and cheated on me.. And I know that logically it won’t last and I still have hope trying to see the good in him, but in reality I know he’s simply not a good person. But after all of that it’s really really hard to block him permanently and feels like it’s out of my control, kind of like a bad drug addiction. Any advice? I wish I had close friends to help me get through it, but I feel so alone and emotionally dependent on him and he knows that
@@purplecorpse4230 He doesn't respect you. He never will. He is never, ever, ever going to to give you the relationship you desire. He doesn't WANT to. And you won't change his mind, but he will ALWAYS discover a way to make you think that you will. It's HARD to sever the kind of bond you have for him. It's tough. It isn't easy. You might think the kind of attraction you have for him will never cross paths with you again. Maybe it won't or maybe it will, but if you regain your independence from him, you will find the happiness that he consistently takes from you. Seek out a therapist to help you because, as March Reighly stated perfectly in her comment, you’re ruining your life by chasing a love that isn't there and wasting your time instead of building your future.
@@purplecorpse4230 I would definitely block this person. It will feel strange at first, but you’ll get some breathing room. This person enjoys keeping you confused. Once you completely remove him from your life, don’t look back! No peeking into their social media, nada, nothing. Let them become a non person, after all it’s how they treated you. You deserve better.
@@purplecorpse4230 I’ve been there before so I know how you feel. But one thing I’ve come to learn in my 26 years of life is that people never truly change. Look at every healthy, long term marriage you’ve ever witnessed in your life. Do you think any of them started off with the men treating their wives this way? Can you honestly say you would be happy with him for the rest of your life if he continued exactly as he is and never changed how he treated you? Is this the kind of man you would want to father your children? By the way you spoke about him, I would hope the answer is no. So why waste your precious time on him when you could spend it finding a man who is actually husband material?
@@bell4898 I have to say, you just nailed it! Every person that you consider for a partner, you should ask yourself if you would be happy with him for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for over 40 years & I did ask myself that very question. The fact that you’ve learned this in 26 years of life puts you in a good place. And I wasn’t even looking when I found my husband, nor was he my type. But he’s given me love, two beautiful daughters & the security I lacked as a kid. It’s never easy, but it’s worth the work.
Standards, boundaries, and expectations are how we find compatible and respectful people who are more than capable of fulfilling our emotional needs!! It’s the exact opposite of controlling because we aren’t trying to covertly manipulate people into changing themselves and obeying us, it’s direct and responsible communication that smokes out the users and abusers. It’s the only way to avoid cruel narcissists like our parents. Let’s all feel comfortable and strong in a completely natural and matter-of-fact way in our boundaries and requirements! I hope that we can all get to get point someday very soon. Let’s all be more respectful of our own needs than our parents and guardians ever could be, we deserve to be honored, treated with compassion, and justly accommodated.
When we encounter people who aren't nurturing, loving, supportive it just feels so normal that we accept it whereas who experienced that growing up would automatically avoid potential friends or partners who can't give those things. Interactions with those people would feel so 'off' that relationships of any kind would just never begin. Whereas we just walk straight into them not realising how empty they are. Empty is all we know ☹️
Thank you for your videos Anna. Recently an ex from 12 years ago came back into my life and left me heart broken - again. We matched on a dating app and he was so persistent in seeing me he put in so much effort. Guess he missed his fan girl. 24 hours later he left me devastated again when he told me he still wasn't over his ex and he couldn't offer me anything. This time instead of just taking it I sent him a message telling him to never contact me again and that I hoped someone would come into his life who would get his hopes up and break his heart like he did to me. I promptly blocked him afterwards but it left me feeling so empowered, like a leech had been pulled off of my heart.
You must be like a fruit inspector with people, observe their "actions" not their words. Then make 2 lists: a list of qualities you want in a mate and also a list of deal breakers, these 2 lists will help you create boundaries to keep the trash out. 3 Enforce your boundaries.
I had been putting off watching this one and finally felt ready today-I knew this one was going to speak to me and I was not wrong-I too feel like the side chick, even though he doesn’t see anyone else. It’s a friends with benefits situation, which I never wanted but I kept hoping his feelings would change. It’s time to face the reality, that this is not the type of relationship I want and I will have to let this person go.
I also put some of these videos off too cuz Anna reading a letter from a stranger becomes the longest dramatic soap opera that seem to have no end. I would prefer if she narrows it down and wrap it up and just give her suggestions based on a list of character defects that can be listed in a single word, versus the never ending novel.
I relate to all of this. Sometimes it feels as if I have to push everyone away, because they all behave in ways that seem to force me to give up my core beliefs to be with them, while others seem to be able to get what they need from the same people.
After watching this, I have told the person (not the same situation, but similar) in my life that since they don't want to commit to me, that's absolutely fine, but we need to cease contact. Because I KNOW, if I don't, I'll end up compromising myself, and end up in limerence, and it's so much easier to walk away now, rather than get any more tangled up emotionally with someone who will never be available, even if they want to seem like they might be.
I think it’s actually part of the trauma that feels like others get what they need from the same people. Those peoples behavior is how they behave with everyone. There may be slight differences in the situation but ultimately their behavior comes out. Sometimes quicker sometimes longer.
@@jozzz222 been there. Did it. After years of just saying to self: I deserve more! And- then had years of totally feeling whole.... Am finally feeling ready to get out there and connect again. Ironically am not seeking an all or nothing relationship.
It's quite simple, if someone values you highly, you will have no doubt of it. And, how you value yourself sets how others will value you. Most of us have problem with that. We need to restore our own self worth and esteem. Then we can attract people who value us appropriately.
@@m2pozad Well, I was considered attractive and I always disregarded a distant cousin who would say mean spirited things to me like your looks will fade but I will always have my money.. And her sister would say things like I only hang out with other heiresses... After asking an enormous favor of me.. They used to use me to go out and pick up more attractive men with some intelligence. Once target was acquired, I might get left behind. I never sought them out they sought me out. It's been decades now and they have not changed. One has had physical augmentation number of times. The other married 5 or 6 times and became morbidly obese. But they still have their money and I am still not an heiress.. What I find most distressing Is that 1 got me when I was extremely vulnerable to write their medical school essay for admission and I reluctantly produced one. This person had dropped out of high school to get married gotta GED and did earn what we called a gentleman's c in undergrad. They actually got into medical school with grades that low. But that's not the worst of it, this person had a serious criminal juvenile record.. For dealing drugs and violence. their reputations were horrific And under the guise of kinship friendship they reached out and used me and did their best to destroy my reputation as repayment. Worse is this person's relative ignorance of basic biology is astounding and makes me fearful for our entire medical system. Personally I have experienced so much medical error in my life that it is alarming and I have familial anecdotal information as well.. I used to complain with everyone else until I realized that I had helped create that very problem. Surely I was not unique in that I used my writing skill and the fact that I had been preparing for professional school since elementary school to produce a stellar letter.... For someone else. I wish I could say I did it for something base like payment, no I was ill, wrongfully medicated and unknowingly being poisoned by a heavily regulated pesticide that has now been banned world wide.. That was the moment of weakness this person caught me in.. And after I provided it and they steam cleaned their reputation with their family's money, I became a threat because I knew the truth. This was a distant relation who only kept contact with me in order to use my parent's name. That was a heavy price to pay. It took me some years to comprehend that I was in a family full of narcissists immediate and extended, and those with the most money usually win. One of them even stalked me for years. And they knew I was an assault survivor. Once I started educating myself seriously on narcissism which I have done for the last 8 years now, The real problem was how to conduct your life away from their prying. With any piece of information they were capable of doing great damage even if it was benign. If I got good news, I could be sure there would be some catastrophe or disaster happening. It took some time to see the pattern but it was there and oddly enough others warned me. I was so stupid and loyal that 2 of the one that married so often ex husband's told me how much this person hated me and additionally so did 2 of the boyfriends they did not marry her. I literally am a walking textbook for this topic. It is so extraordinary what I went through I cannot believe it and that few people I still hold dear that know me well can hardly believe it either. It ultimately paralyzed me. And the irony is I 1st came across Scott Peck's book, children of the lie, in the late eighties or early nineties. I remember some of what he was describing seeming so familiar and yet I was so overwhelmed with events at the time I was not able to further take time to actually Digest it... And were importantly take action upon it. But it truly took me decades to comprehend. I feel like a walking textbook on the subject. I still get panic attacks at times certain that I am really a nark myself and have convinced myself otherwise... And I am for the 2nd or maybe 3rd time going into the phase where I am going to be accused of being the narc by the narcs. I wouldn't care anymore you see, but they got my only child. They got to me when I was so vulnerable after a number of deaths and he was so very young. But it is my fault, I allowed him to go around these people and this is what I got. A big abyss full of nothing. So you see there's another part of the equation, when dealing with narcissists always remember that the one with the most money will usually have the upper hand and of course use it. This means that anytime you gain the upper hand, and you will, the wheel of life goes round and round, you must be prepared to use it. I am just so thankful that all of this information is out here. If only it had been available several decades ago it would have changed the course of my life. Rarely A-day goes by that I don't watch my favorite counselors. I'm working up my courage to try and enroll in a course even though I know I'm more likely need intensive individual therapy. At times I get overwhelmed at how many years this took of my life not to mention the quality.
😱😭 TIL I have PTSD with relationships. My story is so similar to this YIKES. Thank you so much for making this video! It was recommended to me on TH-cam, crazy how the algorithm knows us better than we know ourselves LOL
My people pleasing/codependence helped in my childhood to cope/survive. I was DEPENDANT on my abusive parents/guardians to SURVIVE (it felt like life or death)! Those twisted perceptions followed me to adulthood & ruined all my relationships. Damn it.
What a clear example of someone who has been conditionned to believe that their feelings are wrong...she feels bad about her feelings that are something she needs to listen to in order to create great boundaries and raise her standards. I think her strong chemistry is also a danger sign... we often feel strong chemistry to someone who is emotionally dangerous as a parent has been. Been there, done that. Great information and analysis and advise Crappy Childhood Fairy! God bless you!
Very helpful advice♥️ What we say we want should always match our actions, in order to be taken seriously, avoid encouraging time wasters, and be in a good mental state to attract good people
I’ve been in this loop. Now that I have established my boundaries and healed some wounds that had me flying by the seat of my pants, I was finally able to speak boundaries and feelings to repeat offenders who pop back up (and I allow them in multiple times) they literally RUN. And I feel happy that I have finally healed myself in that area and I am ready for a full loving relationship that leads to marriage. Actually saying and confessing that shows progress!
Listening to this was kind of frightening because all the messed up ideas she had about having boundaries is kind of exactly what women have been conditioned to believe by the 'culture'. So many men gaslight and try to make it seem like our boundaries are 'problematic' and a burden. Usually when I set them the guy loses interest VERY quickly.
Fastest way to lose the interest of a guy who is ‘so into you’ and you’re ‘his best deepest connection’, who is super kind/considerate and sends you sweet affectionate words throughout the day - is to say you won’t sleep with people unless they date & love you back. And that you have a vetting process 😂😂😂. Congrats you found the ‘deep loving feelings’ turn off button 😂 how much they lie about their feelings just to use you up for sex or attention is insane
I work and go to church, I volunteer-but it is not easy. There are so many abusive people that I have decided certain types of "isolated" is just what I have to do to stay sane. I don't look to any humans for much of any support. I strive, everyday, manage my expectations of other human beings.
0:43 so happy to finally hear someone talking about that it's NOT that we choose people to mistreat us, but when we enter in such a situation, we shut down and go back into childhood survival mode and tolerate what we thought was necessary to survive. This is 100% true with me. I have so many "healthy" relationships with friends, co workers, bosses and romantic love, but I also have the habit of leaving too late the real toxic people whose behavior is very similar to what I experienced in my childhood. I lose all my reasoning skills and try to fix it with 200% effort. And the biggest problem is, that my healthy friends tell me that I should leave because I am not capable of caring about me in those moments! .. I don't seek crappie people to reivent the drama, it's more that I am lacking the skills to leave early when I come across those people. And let's be honest here, the majority of people are nice and not toxic. And a huge part of my healing was with those nice people, not with those toxic ones. There, I only got re-traumatized and nothing was healed afterwards. I was more a mess then before. And again, the healthy relationships, be at a boss, coworkers, friends or romantic partner helped me to heal afterwards.. At least that rings true for me. But I definitely shut down to reason properly and turn into this zombie when I encounter toxic. And that can happen everywhere, in work place, friends or romantic relationship. For example, I entered a new job situation (and before I was working for ten years in a healthy situation). But this new one was so toxic after only four weeks I figured that this is so wrong: with manipulative behavior, gaslighting and verbal abuse etc. I was in this situation before in my life. Hence I knew it was toxic. But I needed five months to get my act together and apply for a new job. I should have immediately done it after the first sign, but instead of preparing my leave, I invested all my energy to fix it. Even worse, when I got a message from the new company about inviting me, I postponed the meeting. But the abuse got only worse, until I opened up to my ex co worker, my ex boss and my best friend and guess what: all told me to get out immediately! And when I left, one side of me was relieved and one side felt GUILTY. That's so messed up. Why I feel guilty for caring about my mental health? I tell you why: because my mom always made me feel guilty when I developed proper boundaries to her abuse.
OMG!!! What you said about shutting down and walking right into the situation like a zombie resonated very well with me. I was saying "YES". I was molested as a child and when I see someone who wants to take advantage of me I walk right into it. I can stand up for myself in certain areas but not that. I go straight into 'play along' mode when I am confronted with that situation and feel used when it is over. It is usually after the deed has been done that I come to myself and end all communication with the individual.
Everything is part of a higher lesson. We need to stay open to see all the healing involved in painful relationships. There’s is always a lesson, pain, growth and healing. There are two types of life students: the ones that want to learn and the ones that doesn’t care.
This is very helpful. I just left a guy who made me experience existential dread every time he would violate my boundaries. Any time I set a boundary with him, he left. It happened twice, the third time I just blocked him.
Just don't pursue the "relationship" when it doesn't feel right. The bad boys are actually broken and your brokenness is attracted to their brokenness. Heal yourself and go for a guy that is good for you and you for them.
Please extend a thank you to the wonderful writer of this letter. She put words to everything I’m feeling right now dating. Love this community. I want to feel appreciated and respected as a potential partner.
This is the most honest and brilliant video I have watched. The entire mental health community has let me down. When I would tell mental health professionals that my issues were due to a traumatic childhood, they dismissed me and sometimes scolded me. They re-traumatized me. You have such a wonderful gift that you are sharing truthfully and brilliantly concerning C-PTSD I understand everything that you talk about. Your living proof healing can happen. Thanks for sharing your gift and giving all of us HOPE.
Thank you, Anna. I am in my 50s now and have decided to live my life focused on me for a change. I am loving it. I am taking a long break from relationships. I have peace now.
"When you *are* vague about it, what happens is you just, like, switch it and conform it to whatever somebody else is giving." Anna, may you enjoy the best life for many-many years to come! Your videos, and this quote, helped me a lot to understand why it was good to end a relationship months ago (thing I felt confused about at first) and that I actually got free from an abusive trauma bond! And to Sophie and everybody healing - you have the power to live the non-abusive, happy life you deserve!
Abandoning myself just for the sake of fun. Even if it includes her fun and his fun does not make it safe and respectful. She disrespected herself and let him double whammy. Both disrespected her: herself and him. Boundaries need to be stricter if there’s a red flag. Believe the love addict/sec addict user when they tell you : I’m not the marriage material. He just told you: I don’t want to marry you; I won’t offer a serious relationship to you.
The lady who sent this letter!!!!!! My goodness THANK YOU 🙏 it covers it all unconsciously accepting the unacceptable!!! How our programming is controlling our very being!!! Awareness is life saving this letter is amazing I hope every cell in your body and our bodies can hear it feel it believes it we break the damn cycle chain of F*** pain!!!!
i put up with so many creeps who only had one thing on their mind. I was so lucky to have finally met someone with brains and kindness. He's extremely educated and I didn't even finish the 10th grade. He made all my walls come down and he was so cautious of my feelings especially around sex because I did grow up with sexual abuse. If for a second he thought I was having a tough time, he'd stop and just hold me and talk to me. After all the years of so much abuse I could finally just cry and grieve with someone. I don't think he's ever seen someone cry so hard in his life. My whole life had been empty and lonely. He is the kind that opens doors and is respectful to waiter's. He loves to cook for me and has taken care of me through serious mental and physical issues. I was 26 when we met and he was 45. At the time I never even thought about the age difference, but now 26 yrs later of us never spending a day apart, his health is failing and I'm terrified. I don't think I can go back to being that lonely sad women I was when we met. I'd never find another man like him and wouldn't even want to. I'm so terrified of the future. I wish so many of these women could hold out for kindness and see the signs of disrespect. Maybe men like my husband are just rare. We share the exact same values and that's so important too.
I’ve never been asked out on an official date. I’m 45, not young, but I would have been single my whole life if I waited for someone to ask me on a date. But now I realize that all those relationships were screwed up so I am willing to wait until I am asked on an official date, which is what I want. I never thought I was worth it but now I am trying to show men that I am worth more from the very beginning. I think I am at least I am trying.
Girl I will take you on a date. Everyone has flaws. Doesn’t mean they aren’t worth partnership or a date. Just remember that there’s people out there in prison for far worse detrimental “flaws.” As long as ur flaws aren’t harmful to ur self or others, (if they are work on it) if not get ur self out there!
This was great! I identify with the letter writer immensely. I recently developed real self worth and I feel a striking difference. I hope she gets the someday soon as well. I think the best bet is to avoid dating for a while until you have enough going on in your life and until a truly kind prospect makes itself known. Don't go looking under rocks.
I thank Sophie and I thank you for this video. It's a change of mindset: in order to receive the love we want, we must reject the ones who gives us the opposite.
I am 40 yr divorced and experienced severe childhood abuse and neglect. Finally what anna says makes sense in that before I'd just watch and think but HOW do i do this? Seemed to make sense on paper but in real life i was meeting men in my home for a first date it was but pleasant. I'd sleep with men i KNEW didn't like me as i wanted them to but i just 'went with the flow' Therapy youtube and annas dating course have changed it for me and now its def much easier. With interactions now i keep repeating to myself 'THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT' because i got clear on exactly what i wanted. I want marriage children respect and reciprocity. I thought I'd never get it. And now i feel good about how i treat myself. I look to the past with some sorrow because of what I've allowed but also with self forgiveness and understanding that my childhood set me up for it. And now i can't believe it but boundaries actually make ife easier who knew? If you wanna meet at my house at night then we don't talk anymore coz that doesn't work for me. Thanks so much Anna. I wish you well sophie and everyone here dealing with these cards we were dealt.
Happy to hear that Anna's content has been so helpful. Thank you for sharing support with our letter writer (and for being here!)! - Ashley, Team Fairy
You are solving life long problems just by reading and reflecting on these letters. I can't even begin to say how much weight it has released me from. Thank you for doing what you are doing!
I realised i was looking for LOVE outside myself.... i think we are here to mature emotionally, having the wisdom of moralities, kindness, ethnics, integrity and acceptance. Once we have learnt these then we know what true love is/means because we are ourselves are BEING it.
"You don't have bounderies because of trauma, you have them because you are human" That was very profound for me well said. That's my new affirmation for personal reasons. It removes the stigma and shame around having bounderies and encourages a healthy positive view, that we are all just human and are entitled to have boundaries as long as they help us and dont stifle our progress.❤🌼 I sometimes question mine and realise now that it's not always healthy but a childhood wound of wanting to please and fit in.
Let me just say,as a person who really struggles how to get thoughts out of my head,and into words,or writing,what a great job she did of explaining what was going on in her life with this letter,at least all isnt lost yet! Lol.because you really did great "letter writer" i finally got to put your words with how i felt somtimes with my version of "steve" and that was great!thank you
This was so good. Very helpful. Ask for what you want, expect it, and don't settle for anything less. No need to keep trying to fit the square peg into the round hole when there are heaps of men out there who are interested in what you want.
I love how you take your time to decipher those lengthy letters and are really going deep in your analysis and advice! It shows your respect for the writers and your wish to help them understand themselves better. Thanks for your kindness ❤
That resonated a lot with me... I'm so scared to end this relationship... I just don't believe I'll find someone that I feel so close to... and I'm afraid to loose that connexion. At the same time he's just not the one for me... and he's taking a lot of my emotional energy. I'd like to stay friend with him but I'm not sure if it's emotionally good for me
I'm currently not interested in getting into a relationship because I have so much going on in my life right now and there's still more I need to do whilst I'm single... but I'll watch this for when I feel I am ready to share my heart with someone special.
Thanks for this video! We are all so similar! *Shout out to the writer: I did this for over 10 years with a guy and only recently, I shut that connection down. Sending lots of love to you!*
If you don't know what you want, you'll get whatever anyone else gives you, and no more. Just like, if you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else.
When someone really likes you, there is no decoding to do. It should be clear and if it's not and they make you feel awful in any way, it's time to cut it off and move on. No one deserves to be treated that way. My last relationship made me utterly miserable and now I feel like I am finally figuring out how to fix this and hopefully, one day, attract the right person. I need a lot more work but feel excited for the future.
Definitely relate but the daily practice and sticking to my principles the Fairy helped me to develop--and I feel like I have set myself free from the "side chick" role and other damaging shame filled stuff. Don't give up--it is never too late!
Every time we shut the door on people who do this (cultivate our interest and harvest our energy, but keep emotional distance) an angel gets its wings - and *we* get stronger and clearer. I promise. Self abandonment is the opposite... it's re-traumatizing. I let a man string me along for 3 years and at the time I was hugely conflicted. On the one hand I was proud of how 'modern' I was to have this non-committal sexual / occasional companionship relationship with a man who had no care whatsoever for my well-being. And on the other hand I was a complete disregulated wreck, always trying to be who he wanted - and always going without the deeper connection that I wanted. Don't be like me. Don't diminish or de-prioritize yourself to get his approval. I promise he's not worth it, and I promise you ARE.
Thank you for the letter from Sophie! She said all the words that I couldn't articulate. I can relate to every word. All I can say is, you need to love yourself. I suggest spending some time with animals... In one of my many toxic abusive, traumatic relationships I was told I would end up obese and lonely and bitter and that's what i deserved. They attacked my family saying they were the same. I was hurt, but I turned it around and realised that, in fact if I was alone, my self-love and interesting inner world, my ability to read or merely enjoy the warmth of the sun. My spirituality, never-ending inquisitivity and absolute faith in the goodness of humanity. Because of these things, sometimes it's healthiest and HAPPPIER/MORE FUN to be ALONE. Sophie, you are beautiful and thank you so much.
This whole episode is just exactly what I'm going through. Breaks my heart listening to this because she sounds like me. I've been feeling squirrely and crazy at times because of his hot and cold conversations. The whole life draining part is how its been feeling lately for me and i just haven't been feeling like myself. He's been my friend for 19 years and I've just been hanging on so we can mend this bump but i think I have to just move on and let go. I keep thinking I'll always love him but this friendship has been ruined and I just have to do what's right for me. I really needed to hear this tonight. Thank you.
The feeling squirrely part is so awful! I'm "Sophie" and I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so challenging when you have known someone for a good part of your life. I think it sounds like you know how you feel but it's just a sad thing to face. And the grieving is real! I've been doing that a lot lately. Hang in there!
This guy VERBALLY COMMUNICATED that he is not a boyfriend type of guy. That is point blank saying it will only be physical with him. Anything she does after that other than "no thanks" is communicating back that she is willing to play his game. THATS how this guy operates. Stop trying to make a DAWG meow!
THIS!! AND men love the challenge of trying to sleep with someone who might want more than that to boost their own ego and see if they can! They enjoy the game. She needs to stop playing it.
I needed this one. Thanks so much.. I’ve been in the same situation, same thoughts and feelings as this lady.. I learned my lesson a long time ago with being the “non-bitchy” “non-demanding” girlfriend in hopes that he would stick around... But what made me comment was the fact that I’m the same age.. I thought that I would be so done with these insecurities by now.. This video helped me get more clarity as to the reason why I swore off marriage... For the younger ladies: try your best to work on your insecurities, not just for a relationship but for your overall mental health ~~~
This really hit me this morning. I listened to this once before but wasn’t ready to really hear it. Oh man, I hear it today! So much clarity this morning. As I type this you are saying “…you’re 42…” yes, I am. Lol. I have always said that marriage is silly. Who needs a certificate to prove their commitment. Fear of rejection! I’m writhing within myself because I have done myself so much disservice since I began dating 25 years ago or so. I know that I am an incredible, kind, intelligent person with so much to offer, and yet I have continually settled for so much less than I’m worth. I usually don’t comment on videos nor do I give so much personal info, but I feel like I need to do it. It’s time to put my foot down and make a change. I am worthy of so much more than I have allowed myself. Hugs to my inner child and my beautiful grown up self. And hugs to you, if you’re reading this, and you need the validation to be who you are and only accept what you are worthy of and nothing less! 💜
This is one of my top tips... recently I blocked and deleted a heap of contacts from my phone..men who just got in touch to flirt and fish for pics .It feels brilliant! I would highly recommend this step
To make it simple a guy who is really interested doesnt leave you confused. Confusion means move on
Well said! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I just did it. After 2 years I realized it was only sex. He wanted sex only. After he broke up for another time he asked me to sens him erotic photos of me. I am glad I refused.
@@ona8938 Good for you. And photos are out of the question, I don’t care if you’re married. Not safe.
love that super helpful
how much confusion do we bring ourselves.
For anyone reading, if that person is confusing you and making you feel unsafe, unsure and insecure, used, disappointed, empty it's likely there's a very good reason and you're not making it up! You deserve way better than those things. You will feel more satisfied, loved and confident from your own self-love when you reject and cut out those people than you will playing their game for the selective crumbs of attention they give you
This is so true and I keep forgetting this! I think about how many people in my life don't cause these feelings, I don't doubt they care for me... yet I tend to get unraveled when it happens with some men, thining there is a "deeper issue I have that if only I could fix I would have love"....
💯
Selective crumbs of attention... That struck a nerve, thank you for this !
Exactly!
Well said!💯💯💯
YES YES YES!!
There's nothing worse than being in a relationship...and feeling lonely.
Agreed! We deserve better then that. - Ashley, Team Fairy
And most every one of us have been there... Yeah, I actually feel more lonely in that situation, than being alone. And, I mean, I think people underestimate having a support group. I am so, so lucky I have two friends! Non-judgmental, but still give it to me straight, friends that I can turn to. Thank you so much for your comment. One sentence, that really hit hard. All the best you from Tulsa
me too. :(
I'm not responsible for the bad behavior of men who misrepresent their intentions with me. I am responsible for how I respond after seeing behind the mask of deception! After being burnt, I now take things slowly and watch for red flags. Boundaries are my friend!
This! This is the truth and maturity I am taking forward with me. I'm proud of our self esteem in light of these superficial users. I am not responsible for someone's intentional manipulation of me. But I am now wiser and will listen to my intuition if I detect these patterns.
perfect
If you want a boyfriend, and he does not want to be a boyfriend, don't waste your time on him!
it sounds simple but these guys have a way of towing the line, blurring the line, and remaining ambiguous with their promises, energy and intentions so that people with PTSD start gaslighting themselves. once you heal and notice the red flags which CCF helps with a lot, then it's a lot more straight forward what the red flags are
Exactly! He's just not into her but he won't say it... or she doesn't want to hear it, all the signs are there.
@@Lukearthwalker or he just want short term intimacy and don't think much about anything anyway. Like a child.
@@KoozomecAyo, don’t do kids dirty like that. Children can be very good and can respect deep fulfilling relationships. These dude-asses are selfish sociopaths. 😒
Agreed no further discussion needed
I read something a long time ago and it went like this : “ Never run back to what broke you “.
Amen
@ladyluck5248 This is one of the best aphorisms I've ever read/heard. Thank you.
Did it once learned my lesson, not going to do it a second time. I grew from it and finally love myself it's incredible. ❤
Love this!
This may seem old school, but not being willing to take someone somewhere nice to spend some time and money on them says it all.
mmmhmmm
True 💯
Umm some people have difficult financial situations. You can do fun stuff without spending too much money.
@@91toinfinity That's not what he's referring to. He's saying nice as in not far below what you can afford and that requires no thought, etc. I'm poor due to my disabilities but my husband still takes me to places we consider nice for birthdays and such. It's when you don't want to "waste" your money on someone that it's bad. Like when I went on a few dates with a guy before I met my husband and he had a fit about having to buy dinner at Taco Bueno but he was taking another girl out for steak because he thought she would put out.. she didn't lol! I know because we were acquaintances.
@@jenniferwells2291 I completely agree with you..it depends on the man if he wants to invest on you. Whatever he has, he would try to share with you with whatever means he can afford to spend on you if he is genuinely interested and invested in you.
These guys want to "just hang out," at your place or theirs, because they hope sex will happen. They want to be with you in a private place. "Hanging out" is a huge red flag if you want a relationship, imo. Insist on actual dates and weed out the users up front!
I know a man who took me for dates , literally cared for me , provided me emotional availability, didnt want sex (although desired) but was afraid to commit. I courageously dropped him down.
I know for me I have actually been turned off by sex from the disappoint from sex being the only thing they want from me when I want love, affection, and companionship. Ugh I’m so depressed about all the mistakes I’ve made just adding to the CPTSD. Long road ahead for sure
@@jozzz222 Don’t be so hard on yourself. Learn from your mistakes and move accordingly
Yep & stay celibate!!! The Narcissistic want to get you on your back as quick as possible.
The 1s that don't even want to take you out are dusties!!!
Cut them immediately.
@@sajalmishra2872 yep. Trying to find the strength to end my relationship like this
She was brainwashed to think that lowering her expectations of a man is going to get her a marriage proposal. It’s actually the opposite: the guy must do multiple things to show his interest.
This really helped Erin!!!! I think that’s what happened to me! My mom was very controlling and said I couldn’t move out until a man came and proposed to me! And this was in 2011! Like dang this ain’t the 1950’s anymore
This happened to me 😢
❤. Got it and stop sleeping with them!! Flirt fine and advertise but only the one gets the prize ladies ans we are the prize!!!
@@Portia620Sex is prize for some women, like me, not something we "give" to exchange for male love. The point is not giving to this men more then that.
Oh my God. "... having a relationship with an idea instead of the person." How many times have I done that.
That’s literally me. The self - neglect and feeling unimportant as a child has transferred in adulthood and putting others first, no need to be spoilt or taken out, compromising yourself all the time … thank you for this video.
Honey, NO! Not you too... You're absolutely worthy gal
Same petya. And what’s worse? I have people pleased all my life so when I stand up for myself, people call me selfish. Enough of that. Time to heal.
Same ... 😞 At 57,... Reconnected with an old boyfriend (from 24 years ago) with whom I had a purely hook-up "relationship, " ...now, he's on the verge of divorce -- still residing w her ( because of the kids -- grown up, 20 & 23). Initially, 6 weeks ago when we reconnected, he was So Complimentary; my brain, my kindness, my looks --- and told me " Omg, Sue, I want you So Much!!" But.
That hasn't happened. -- just kissing, oral pleasure FOR HIM ( next time, he says, it's " all about " Me. But, that hasn't happened.
Real dates ?? -- promises, ..but cancels due to exhaustion..( he Does have a health issue,...) promises he'll
" Make it up to me,".. but
Hasn't.
Like the OP, I'm afraid to say what I want;
Afraid ( I'll push him away if) I tell him I need something Real, a true relationship, a committed connection.... I DID TELL HIM that I don't do casual sex, anymore. No hook-ups,..I need there to Be Something, between us.
So, I wait, ---- text cute, romantic things, respond to his sexy texts and words, ..don't go out with Anyone else --- but, we haven't had " That Talk "..idk what he thinks or feels ... is he also exclusive?? Is he chatting to/ flirting with
Other women..? ( he's well-known in our town, having Always been in popular rock bands; WOMEN LOVE HIM!!! He gets A lot of female attention..
Idk what to do.
He Makes me feel.. like I'm on a cloud, walking on air,.. I want what we NEVER had 24 yes ago; a Real relationship, commitment, exclusivity, ...to be his Girlfriend in public, to lie on the couch with him after work in the evenings ...
He ❤ loves snuggling, cuddling -- me giving him oral sex ... but, again, THAT hasn't been Reciprocated ..he just SAYS he wants to do that.
Sigh.
Repeating " the pattern" ...again.
@@suzanne4396 I’ve learned that staying away from people from the past is essential because most will view you from the same lens they did in the past. They also come back around because they believe they could easily take from you again & their supplies are limited, so they break out the black book or look you up on Facebook & say how they never forgot you to suck you back in. My mantra….. NO PAST PEOPLE!!
@@suzanne4396 You "say" you're not into casual hookups.... But then you do. Do you even know who you are?
You're not going to have a fulfilling relationship with...a married man. "For the kids?" Who are in their 20's? Seriously girl?
Find someone else if you must have someone. But find yourself first.
I think emotional abuse and volatility causes us to purposely leave things ambiguous and shy away from asking tough questions as a way of avoiding anything that could set off a negative reaction from the other person. I've learned that if a dynamic makes me afraid to communicate directly, it's not a dynamic I want to be in. The people that deserve to be in my sphere can handle the discomfort of addressing things in a way that respects my boundaries. And to quote Matthew Hussey, "When a man tells you he's not looking for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM."
"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." -Rumi
Beautiful quote! Thank you for sharing (and for being here). - Ashley @ Team Fairy
Since I started watching and actually taking lessons from this channel, my love life has improved so so much. Boundaries are firm, red flag detector activated and surprisingly accurate, feet on the ground approach about what I want and need from a potential partner. Everyone else who drains my romantic energy with breadcrumbs of attention can go away. I know I'm capable of secure attachment and emotional intimacy, despite my trauma, just need to find the right person who is also healthy and stable. I don't care if it takes me years, I won't settle for any less than I deserve. High standards are attractive which I only saw when I realised the people Im attracted to have high standards and value their time and energy. Boundaries are sexy. Self respect is sexy. Entertaining time-wasters to fill a void is covertly painful, and we're in denial about who we really are with them. I won't abandon myself after I just found her again ❤️🙏 Thank you Fairy for being in my life x
Yay! @Angelika wins!!!
Ain’t this the truth! 💯
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy SHE does!
Thank you so very much for sharing your determination, wisdom and hope with us. Angelika, it's inspiring to hear. You're a lovely success story! ❤
Well said and I hope to get to where you are one day ♥️
I have found that *any* time that I feel *chemistry* it's NOT a healthy connection. and it's often NOT as mutual as it feels to me.
Same. I used to feel ''chemistry'' precisely when and only when somebody was tinkering with the idea of having sex with me. Like they kind of liked me, but not enough to do anything serious about it. If somebody wanted to get to know me, I found that too.... intrusive (?)
I'm not so bad now but I'm 51 now so I've stopped trying to meet somebody.
Same! I truly see “butterflies” and this type of chemistry as a big 🚩after doing some healing.
I've recently realized that I am only attracted to men who will ultimately treat me like crap, and the sweet, healthy men are not ones I want to date. I know its because I am subconsciously attracted to guys that recreate the dynamics of my childhood - emotionally unavailable men make me want to work to prove myself worthy. Now that I know this I am working to fix it.
@@JessMN1974 same girl. We can do that 🙌
@@JessMN1974 date a sweet, healthy man for fun. You might find yourself in a great relationship
"You don't have boundaries because of your abusive past, you have boundaries because you're human." -- I felt that one go right down deep into my soul. Thank you Fairy
Same! Because I've felt like I need to explain my boundaries as all is new to me. Those words went straight to my tear ducts. Thank you Fairy :)
Every boundary, even the individualst ones, are OK and good for you!
If you need someone that is a vegetarian too, than this is a Personal boundary of you, as an example. And it's not only reduced on sex things.
WE can have boundsries in many ways.
It's just the question, If WE want to wait, until this person comes...
People that smoke, drink, eat meat, scream at their dogs when they don't behave, and so on, they are easy to find.
The other ones are more rare and special and have raised their conciousness allready.
That really hit me🤍
It seems to be *SO* common to have had an obviously abusive relationship with a classic controlling man, and then follow it up with a totally different type of harmful relationship. The type of ''relationship'' where you are side-chick/place-holder with a spiritual narcissist type who says things like ''you're as free as you believe you are'', tells you he doesn't want a girlfriend but then goes on to ignore *every* boundary between friendship and a relationship. So just like the abusive relationship from your past, you realise you gave yourself away for "2.99 just because ''he'' asked a bit more nicely. He didn't shout. But you gave yourself away again.
Oh geeze, this is totally me...
Sadly, me too😔 I thought he was better, but yes the same mistake again
I've done that so many times the more nice they were I thought of he takes me out to dinner but he doesn't want a relationship but he's really respectful maybe one day he will want to be my boyfriend. This is after being in a physically abusive relationship or abuse from family. My thought process was this isn't as bad as that so this must me right. I didn't know what was right or wrong because I thought they are nice but they still weren't giving me what I wanted or respecting me. I wasn't respecting myself because I didn't know how. It's interesting that some people have to learn this because they aren't taught boundaries are grew up in a toxic environment.
Yup. Dang
Omg "you're as free as you believe you are".... that really sounds like the man I was with before "Steve". Just these vague, seemingly "kinder" notions of male/female dynamics that seems so alluring, like a promise of a world where all the stuff that has proved difficult to navigate is somehow irrelevant. Yet you are so right... it ends up being just to prop up a situation that suits HIM. Seductive but leading the way to control; a hallmark of manipulation (conscoiusly or unconsciously). Thank you for your thoughts. Makes me think, in my case at least: "My dad in sheep's clothing" lol.
Casual sex is the top of self disrespect. Of course men need to marry to be with you. Because you are worthy. We need to respect ourselves more girls ❤
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So right
I agree!!! Spent my youth having casual sex. It was a waste, and I didn't find a lifelong partner.
Men need to respect themselves in this way too.
@@saynotohookupsOf course not, only men are allowed to enjoy sex. Women should want marriage and babies😂
Freud said it right
"We choose not randomly each other. We meet only those who already exists in our subconscious.”
- Every story is nearly the same. The letter writer loves someone who are just like their parents.
I brought up the marriage talk to an ex and he said "that's a turn off" .... I got my answer buh-bye!
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I truly believe that women are the ones that want to get married. Men only do it bc they want to appease the woman.
Run Forrest 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ Run. He just want the cookie. You deserve more. You are lovable. I am proud of you for reaching out to Anna.
Don't comply with him. Run. He is "breadcrumbing" you. You are a whole full course baby not a snack.
Don't feel bad, I have been guilty of this 4 times. But I found Anna and now I am working on my boundaries.
Giiirl I feel like we should form a support group... Like these are my people 😄🙏🥴
I've absolutely been through this. The guy said he was single, but he was actually "taking a break" from his real relationship. It really hurts to feel like you were just being used for sex, when you really actually wanted love. I never wanted casual encounters, but also didn't want to go years and years with no intimate contact! I do believe we accidentally attract the wrong people on a subconscious level when we've had unhealed trauma as well. It does take two to tango though, and the blame is definitely not all on us (I blamed myself for a long time). The person stringing you along is ABSOLUTELY getting off on it!! They enjoy it!! It's not innocent. Don't give them the credit of being misunderstood (as I did). They are complete scum!! They know exactly what they are doing to you. They have insecurities and are using you to feed their ego. If they were mentally healthy, they would not even engage with someone they don't see a real future with.
My wife and I have had a falling out and it's very hard to see a future together and I know that feeling of not even wanting to make any effort anymore and I keep on praying and asking God to make me feel like she's the one again so I'll feel like I want to provide and protect her and I got such a feeling while I was at work and then when I got home I had that great feeling within me and I told her just how I was acting and my tone and expression was very loving and she reciprocated that we were going to make love tonight if we don't get in an argument that is... And so when it came time to go home from the pet store which she came along she had forgotten her vape and so I pulled over and while I was looking for it under her seat I noticed the cheese I just bought for her was out of the package a little bit and on the floor. I remembered how she would say she didn't want something if it hit the floor before and so I mentioned it and she said it was okay but so much for a resealable package and this wouldn't have happened if I would have just got them to slice the cheese straight from the block and not get the deli meat that they pre-slice in the morning.
However when I was going into the store she told me to hurry up and so when she asked for the cheese I knew it would be much quicker to just pick up that pre-sliced package of boar's Head cheese.
So her comment really hurt me and as we drove home I told her the double was trying to get us.
Because I could just feel the contention and I didn't like how she made that comment about the sliced cheese and if I would have just done that the cheese wouldn't have gotten on the floor because I knew in my heart that she just plopped it on the floor.
So I'm feeling all hurt and as we're almost home she starts kicking water bottles because they are on the floorboard and as she was doing it she also is kicking the cheese on accident. I told her do you know what you're doing because in my mind I thought she was kind of having a temper tantrum but I wasn't sure so I worded it like that. She got really mad at that statement and she told me that I made her feel like a low woman having a temper tantrum.... So she kind of knew what I was thinking unconsciously by the way I said...."do you know what your doing?" I talked to somebody at work and they said you should have told her hey honey you're kicking the cheese and that would have been that but instead I was slightly passive aggressive....So here's where it gets really interesting while she was looking for her vape but she thought she left at the pet store She accidentally called 911 so they heard the whole cheese argument.
When I got inside our garage she stayed in the car and asked for an apology for saying do you know what you're doing.....and making her feel bad.
I went upstairs and then I went back downstairs after I said a prayer and calm down and try to explain why I felt like she might have been having a temper tantrum but I was trying not to assume so I said do you know what you're doing.
That wasn't what she wanted to hear so she slammed the car door because I didn't apologize and then she said three or four minutes later she could hear hello hello coming out of her purse and somehow she told me that she texted me before she heard the hello hello because I was getting texts after I went back upstairs of her saying I'm staying in the car until you apologize.
I really didn't believe that story but oh well she really did pocket dial them on accident I guess and I tried to get to the bottom of how she didn't realize the police were coming and why she didn't text me that but I guess that's not that much of a problem but I did make a big deal out of it because I was kind of mad that the police came and she didn't let me know in those texts as if she knew that they were coming and failed to tell me in a text but she did tell me because she ran upstairs and I was outside and she did try to call me but the calls weren't coming through.
Nothing really happened but then at the end of the night I was tired I was trying to cook dinner and I had to wake up at 4:40 and I was cooking dinner at 9:30 and she started to get on me about the chores I did sweet but I didn't mop yet and I was just trying to cook dinner so I could go to bed and she started saying I need to mop and so I started saying please leave me alone I really have to work I'm sorry It's not like you always do your chores the dishes were still out from the night before you know and I just was still being bugged while I was cooking dinner so I finally just told her to shut it I said shut it after I told her to leave me alone because she wouldn't stop bothering me about how I didn't get the chores done but I needed to go to bed and when I said shut it she finally just pushed me and I told her you shouldn't push me and so she pushed me again.
I really didn't know what to say so I said you know the police were just here and you can't push I can call the police and they can take you away and she said I don't care and she said I be paying for the lawyer bills.
We also we're having trouble with the dog not eating and personally in my own opinion I think it's because it's so emotionally distraught that it's not eating but because it didn't eat and we got this new food and it didn't want to eat the food she was really emotionally upset and so she started taking it out on the dog and I told her don't yell at the dog that's not going to help it eat and then she went after the dog when it went in its cage and started picking up the cage and shaking it saying why aren't you eating and I was just saying at least that you can't do that and it's something so bad and I love that dog and it's just terrible and I love my wife and she's going through so much but I don't want to be in this relationship I wish it would work out but it's just it's so toxic and bad and this morning she said I apologize and can we put this all behind me but I doubt that.
This happened to me with an ex partner. This is so humiliating to look back on. I was young and naive. He devalued me at the same arms length while stringing me along in the prime of the breakup pain. He was always reaching out and then I slowly pulled the plug as I was recovering from heartbreak at the same time. VERY intentional. I didn't see him as that much of an insecure asshole while I was with him. I wouldn't want to believe I could attach to someone so selfish who saw me as... likely... an idiot. I agreed to friendship later down the line and as soon as I referred to him platonically and openly he tried to pull the date card! To which I cut off all contact again shortly after without bringing it up. I explained how I felt the first time so he knew he should back off with the mind games. As soon as I recognized that lens in which he was viewing me (a stupid woman) I cut him off entirely.
Absolutely. I’ve seen many people do that, even of both genders, and they are very conscious of it. It’s a way of collecting attention and boosting your ego, hurting people consciously for a power trip. They’re aware of it. They way such people tell stories about the victims of their charms who they strung along made me realise it’s a rule rather than an exception. When you’re strung along or given mixed signals they want you to be hurt and long for them.
@@chankero4776 totally agree. I read and observed a lot. They are not built for relationships same way women are. Some can have relationships, even long term, but they have different temperaments. They don’t need same things we need in relationships. Their emotional needs are different. They only put in effort when trying to win you over: any consideration for you, care, displays of affection are an EFFORT for them, whereas for women those acts, connection & love are self-fulfilling by themselves. it’s natural for us.
@@belogical3961….that was a lot. sorry?
A message for Sophie and anybody who can relate to this as I do, you are one phase away from a whole new world in relationships. You didn't come this far to only come this far! What also helped me is to complete the 12 step program CODA. Yes it sucks, feels like it takes forever, and that you are late to the party but when you put all your time and energy into healing and reparenting yourself, in turn the right people will show up for you. The best is yet to come, you are worth it.💛
That's a really nice message, thank you...
Yes I relate so much as well. Coda is helpful and I feel I still have so much to learn about it.
@@jerrenewest1983 Me too... I am 56 and have been struggling with this stuff for years, and I am still not in any kind of real relationship... Just some woman on web sites that I talk to... Anyway, I keep getting back up to keep trying to heal myself... This is really humbling stuff... It does take courage and a sense of not letting the emotional fear take one over... I've become a little more de sensitized by my fear and am not as fearful of letting apart of myself die in the moment in order to feel a breakthrough moment....
What is CODA?
Love this! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I feel like she needs to take "I felt rejected, used and disappointed," and take it off if **her** and realize that he REJECTED HER, USED HER AND DISAPOINTED HER. it wasn't just that she FELT that way (something that we use to make it *our* problem, and that we use to gaslighting ourselves to thinking that those feelings are unreasonable... like that's just my FEELING and the problem is that I need to change the way I FEEL about how he treats me, rather than thinking that we need to not LET HIM treat us that way, accept that treatment-- i.e. stop looking to him for what it is we are seeking cuz he doesn't have it to give us). It WAS that way.
(This was as much for me as it was for her...)
Yes! And when she takes that power AND EVEN A BIT OF ANGER and DUMPS HIM, she will know how good it feels to get a garbage human being out of her life -- put the "crap" label where it belongs and feel good about herself again!
I really appreciate this distinction! The idea that I somehow STILL did something wrong because I felt this way, rather than see that he did these things, is what has caused me anguish. You're right, it's not unreasonable! And this describes a lot of how I've been: 'Oh... he treats me this way and it feels bad so I need to somehow figure out how to NOT feel bad about it"... ultimately, it comes down to that. And I think definitely related to being a kid when you really didn't have a choice when a parent was treating you back. When I see it written here, I realize how backwards that is. Won't let them treat me this way and very key to not look to him (again, dad issues I think) Yes! Much better.
I had to screen shot this. So when I get into those thoughts I'm going to read this!!!!! A reminder. This piece of knowledge will be priceless for me!!! Thank you!!!
Love this. So true.
LOVE THIS! Our feelings ARE valid and the EXPERIENCE was true! Dump the experience.
Stop having contact when somebody proves you that they are insincere that they are using you. You have your answer.
Thank you Anna 💕
Absolutely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You have no idea how many people you're helping. Thank you
Glad you've found Anna's videos helpful. :) Thank you for being here. - Ashley @ Team Fairy
As a woman divorced with children and mid 30s after abusive marriages, the most difficult part of the equation is finding someone who is both emotionally considerate and really into you. Even though men will tell me how pretty intelligent and hot I am, its sweet talk with no follow up. I've been trapped in the same dynamic as the poster. The problem is, even if you're highly intelligent and considered 'gorgeous' (their words not mine), they only offer casual, non monogamous sex consistently. Ive stopped dating for the last 18 months and have no plans to return. There are hundreds of thousands of emotional and physical vampires masquerading as seemingly single men. The only safe protection you have as a women is to never engage, pretend your asexual etc, even when you ache for human touch. Ironically I have great friendships with men of all ages without limerence (they are partnered) at work for years and years.
Consider the dating course! It is really helpful.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm going to crap on this fairy and tell you all the truth, us guys are physically stimulated. We aren't some Disney film character that is nice and yea some of us can be but for the majority every man is hardworking and pursuing the best interest for themselves, and they come in all shapes and sizes meaning they can be short tall fat skinny ripped abs obese hot ugly ect. Us men say that your beautiful because we are using our eyes, we aren't some robot that can detect what you feel inside and know the correct thing to say, there is no right or wrong when it comes to love just age difference. We only know as much as you let us know and besides we men can be the same way to. I think the major factor in this is trust and who started it first to asses the situation. We are currently enrolled in a culture where we have to be self reliant and for the most part that is the way to getting what you want but at the same time you could be missing partnership opportunities in groups or anything that involves 2 or more people so stepping out of that self sufficiency that is extorting love or developing our growth is detrimental, we need to restore order within ourselves to understand another's perspective. In other words we all are missing something in our lives, you just gotta figure that out for yourself and you'll stop making the same mistakes.
Thank you for reading, like comment and share if you hate pandemics
@@chadcavio9823I mostly agree, but maybe don't engage with a woman sexually until you know her and want her as a girlfriend. Otherwise, you're just an animal and women will continue to see you that way. The only women that are ok in that dynamic are the ones after money. The ones that are sad about it, are there for more.
When a person tells you (shows you) who they are, believe them.
It really resonated with me when you said " you need to tell them what you need". unfortunately in our culture women are not thought that. We are supposed to be mysterious and quiet in the beginnings of relationship with men, be prepared for ambiguity, wait for men to make all decision and be receptive to what they want. This is a highway to all this emotional abuse.
Exactly. Indian right ???
@@elena537743 polish :)
am asian and this also what i taught all this time. haha. dont say what you want. just indicate/give clues then be receptive with what others give.
I tell my boyfriend what I want specifically. He still won't give me what I asked for. Even basic things like a plan for my birthday.
@@taghazoutmoon5031breakup he doesn’t like you
If you're still feeling "LONELY" you aren't ready yet. I've been celibate for 4.5 years & I no longer feel a need to have a man in my life anymore. I sometimes want a romantic relationship but am free of most of that desire now. I live just for me now & am feeling sexier & more lovable than ever after 46 years of abusive relationships.
“Chemistry” is a red flag word for me.
When operating from a wounded and not securely attached place, the body is chemically imbalanced (high levels of cortisol, etc).. “chemistry” becomes an unreliable measuring stick of compatibility. “Chemistry” says nothing about the potential partner’s consistency, accountability, boundaries, and character.
Ohhh, yes it does
Well said!
I met a lot of couples that have chemistry and healthy relationship, it’s just that they knew how to build one.
But when you have no boundaries, chemistry hacks your brain and you’re giving way too much you should have, and thus, you get bad consequences.
Chemistry isn’t a bad thing itself, it shows your sexual compatibility and the possibilyy of making children with better dna match (personally, I want everything - intellectual, spiritual and physical compatibility, for some reason people think you can only have one).
And Mark Manson wrote an interesting article about it : he spoke of 3 types relationships. Passionated but wrong ones / boring but right ones / passionated AND right one (meaning, you find a respectful partner but you also have chemistry). This is a golden ratio for him, and i completely agree.
I deeply disagree with the idea of having chemistry between partners being wrong. You want to enjoy your physical intimacy, smell them, hug them, have a sparkle in everything you do, laugh at small things - this is all chemistry. Just stop giving everything at once, and sift through good and bad partners, that’s all.
Love this. I can't stand the word chemistry. It's just a way for us to trauma bond whether we know it or not.
Is it chimestry or trauma bonding, that's the question. Traumatized people should never trust chemistry.
I agree Anna, I don’t think that we actively seek out toxic relationships. It seems to me it’s like a blind spot . After we are involved later it hits us.
But after awhile we learn
Yep!
Since I started watching your channel I stopped dating and realized that all my trauma has made me waste years of my life with almost relationships. I accepted so little that no one I dated wanted me to be their girlfriend or take it to the next level. No guy has ever taken me seriously. I never thought I was good enough to want more and receive more m. So I just put up with poor treatment. Now I'm working on myself I feel more at peace I deleted all my dating apps but sometimes I feel sad like I'm never going to meet anyone that will actually like me or appreciate me and if I do I will sabotage it with my insecurities. I see my friends and other people in loving relationships and I'm like how do people meet people like this that actually treat them so loving and want to go so far and beyond with love. It seems impossible for me to meet someone that actually likes me and respect me that I will also like. I don't know why I keep having these negative thoughts about myself and why I think it's too late or impossible for me. I've never been in a healthy relationship.
I don't know if I've ever been in love with someone that wasn't toxic or wrong for me. Just makes me sad.
I don't need a relationship I just desire a stable healthy relationship one day.
I felt this.
I feel you. 42 in a few days and still single :( i do not search, but keep attracting the unavailables. I do not 'need' anyone. It is a very lonely journey.. i also do not understand how others do it and never be on there own, jumping from one thing into another and yes offcourse with a lot of betrayal, so do not gey blinded on what you see and think happy realtionships are all about.
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 thanks 😊 I'm trying to be more positive. The closest I've come to a relationship was last year. I met this guy who seemed completely into me and we had similar backgrounds then I got scared and really insecure because I was scared he would suddenly lose interest. So all my rejection has traumatized me and I scared him away. He just slowly stop responding and lost interest. When I was confident and easy going he was interested then once I got really scared I started acting different and not the person I was when he first met me. I just don't know how to turn it off. That's why I cut off dating all together until I figure it out.
You not alone🙏
This really hitted deeply in me. Recently I'm quite good by myself after a while of getting hooked into Shit all Life Long, but rn I feel Like I surpress that in everyday Life that it actually scares me a Lot to think about If I can eventually relate to others in a healthy way with real connection. And I Numb myself a Lot. It feels Just sad that people who feel authentic and interested mostly arent into me or I Push them away because I'm Not attracted to Them but its prob Just me being scared by being Seen and vunerable.
While all your advice and observations are very sound, Anna, may I point out that, as asingle divorced mom of 46, I'm finding it extremely difficult to meet anyone on my level of maturity or integrity. Since i found myself single 7 years ago, i've yet to meet anyone who isn't deeply dysfunctional o at least just avoidant. I would say the average attitude in the world of singles here in North America is non-committal, casual and very superficial. No one wants a relationship and if they do, they are riddled with problems. What i'm trying to say is that men like the one Sophie encountered ARE the norm nowadays. And yes, one should not stick around for such men. But what ends up being the alternative is a life of loneliness and celibacy for many women saying no to men like Steve, but having no other types of men present themselves. I'm starting to wonder if it's a societal problem instead of an individual one.
It is societal problem! I been seeing myself how social media has produced highly narcissistic traits in people, and actually gave them a pat on the back for the selfish behaviors. It’s really not good. I see the good stuff in social media as well, but I think the bad outweighs the good if you want my honest opinion
This is what I’m going through. There’s plenty of men that want s3x, but it feels like there aren’t any men that actually like me, so I feel lonely & unable to connect
I agree with you. The norm these days is these texting men who can never show up. Leave you wondering and hurt you for no reason. It’s a bad time to be a good simple person. You have to learn all this to just keep yourself safe. ❤
I really agree with this. It’s a societal problem, there’s been a big change in how people engage. And women as a whole are enabling this, because men are getting the girlfriend experience… with no commitment.
Not blaming women here, because I’m a woman and I have enabled a guy like this recently. Which is how I ended up here!
It’s hard to be alone but I’m going to try again, because I don’t want to enable this guy, and then he’s going away on a boys bachelor soon. And I can’t handle this situationship anymore.
Unfortunately it happens everywhere, not only in North America. Greetings from Italy!
Thank you Anna. You are helping me break free of my limerence. You’re also helping me unpack a LOT of trauma that I’ve stuffed down my whole life. Keep up the tough love and the Fairy Pen. Some of us are picking up what you’re putting down.
So glad you're finding Anna's content helpful. Thank you for being here! - Ashley @ Team Fairy
He'll just "go scurrying away under the refrigerator!" Brilliant
This is why I am no longer interested in dating. I have always only attracted the wrong one. So now, I am only focusing on loving myself and just enjoying being with myself. I feel much better and am happy to not have the stress of a man my life.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
If you're in a yo-yo relationship, it will NEVER, EVER become anything other than a yo-yo relationship. Women can't be friends or anything else with a man like that. The only solution to this problem is to block him absolutely from your life. Zero contact. You have more important things to do with your time.
I’m going through a yo-yo relationship right now for years :( I don’t know how to let go permanently.. even though it’s slowly destroying me, he keeps devaluing me, mentally abusing/ gaslighting me and cheated on me..
And I know that logically it won’t last and I still have hope trying to see the good in him, but in reality I know he’s simply not a good person. But after all of that it’s really really hard to block him permanently and feels like it’s out of my control, kind of like a bad drug addiction.
Any advice? I wish I had close friends to help me get through it, but I feel so alone and emotionally dependent on him and he knows that
@@purplecorpse4230 He doesn't respect you. He never will. He is never, ever, ever going to to give you the relationship you desire. He doesn't WANT to. And you won't change his mind, but he will ALWAYS discover a way to make you think that you will. It's HARD to sever the kind of bond you have for him. It's tough. It isn't easy. You might think the kind of attraction you have for him will never cross paths with you again. Maybe it won't or maybe it will, but if you regain your independence from him, you will find the happiness that he consistently takes from you. Seek out a therapist to help you because, as March Reighly stated perfectly in her comment, you’re ruining your life by chasing a love that isn't there and wasting your time instead of building your future.
@@purplecorpse4230 I would definitely block this person. It will feel strange at first, but you’ll get some breathing room. This person enjoys keeping you confused.
Once you completely remove him from your life, don’t look back! No peeking into their social media, nada, nothing. Let them become a non person, after all it’s how they treated you.
You deserve better.
@@purplecorpse4230 I’ve been there before so I know how you feel. But one thing I’ve come to learn in my 26 years of life is that people never truly change. Look at every healthy, long term marriage you’ve ever witnessed in your life. Do you think any of them started off with the men treating their wives this way? Can you honestly say you would be happy with him for the rest of your life if he continued exactly as he is and never changed how he treated you? Is this the kind of man you would want to father your children? By the way you spoke about him, I would hope the answer is no. So why waste your precious time on him when you could spend it finding a man who is actually husband material?
@@bell4898 I have to say, you just nailed it! Every person that you consider for a partner, you should ask yourself if you would be happy with him for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for over 40 years & I did ask myself that very question. The fact that you’ve learned this in 26 years of life puts you in a good place. And I wasn’t even looking when I found my husband, nor was he my type.
But he’s given me love, two beautiful daughters & the security I lacked as a kid. It’s never easy, but it’s worth the work.
Standards, boundaries, and expectations are how we find compatible and respectful people who are more than capable of fulfilling our emotional needs!!
It’s the exact opposite of controlling because we aren’t trying to covertly manipulate people into changing themselves and obeying us, it’s direct and responsible communication that smokes out the users and abusers.
It’s the only way to avoid cruel narcissists like our parents.
Let’s all feel comfortable and strong in a completely natural and matter-of-fact way in our boundaries and requirements! I hope that we can all get to get point someday very soon.
Let’s all be more respectful of our own needs than our parents and guardians ever could be, we deserve to be honored, treated with compassion, and justly accommodated.
We put up with mistreatment because of low self esteem. Love your channel!
Let me just savor this sentence a bit more...
*_"We're here trying to figure out how to connect and love."_*
- Anna 💝 🌼
When we encounter people who aren't nurturing, loving, supportive it just feels so normal that we accept it whereas who experienced that growing up would automatically avoid potential friends or partners who can't give those things.
Interactions with those people would feel so 'off' that relationships of any kind would just never begin.
Whereas we just walk straight into them not realising how empty they are. Empty is all we know ☹️
"That is code for: I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND." 😭🤣
Thank you for your videos Anna. Recently an ex from 12 years ago came back into my life and left me heart broken - again. We matched on a dating app and he was so persistent in seeing me he put in so much effort. Guess he missed his fan girl. 24 hours later he left me devastated again when he told me he still wasn't over his ex and he couldn't offer me anything. This time instead of just taking it I sent him a message telling him to never contact me again and that I hoped someone would come into his life who would get his hopes up and break his heart like he did to me. I promptly blocked him afterwards but it left me feeling so empowered, like a leech had been pulled off of my heart.
Damn, you would think that amount of time would be enough for him to have changed. Sorry this happened.
👏👏👏👏🥰🥰
You must be like a fruit inspector with people, observe their "actions" not their words. Then make 2 lists: a list of qualities you want in a mate and also a list of deal breakers, these 2 lists will help you create boundaries to keep the trash out. 3 Enforce your boundaries.
I had been putting off watching this one and finally felt ready today-I knew this one was going to speak to me and I was not wrong-I too feel like the side chick, even though he doesn’t see anyone else. It’s a friends with benefits situation, which I never wanted but I kept hoping his feelings would change. It’s time to face the reality, that this is not the type of relationship I want and I will have to let this person go.
I also put some of these videos off too cuz Anna reading a letter from a stranger becomes the longest dramatic soap opera that seem to have no end. I would prefer if she narrows it down and wrap it up and just give her suggestions based on a list of character defects that can be listed in a single word, versus the never ending novel.
I relate to all of this. Sometimes it feels as if I have to push everyone away, because they all behave in ways that seem to force me to give up my core beliefs to be with them, while others seem to be able to get what they need from the same people.
Yes! Writ to me! hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
After watching this, I have told the person (not the same situation, but similar) in my life that since they don't want to commit to me, that's absolutely fine, but we need to cease contact. Because I KNOW, if I don't, I'll end up compromising myself, and end up in limerence, and it's so much easier to walk away now, rather than get any more tangled up emotionally with someone who will never be available, even if they want to seem like they might be.
How do you think other people are able to do this?
I think it’s actually part of the trauma that feels like others get what they need from the same people. Those peoples behavior is how they behave with everyone. There may be slight differences in the situation but ultimately their behavior comes out. Sometimes quicker sometimes longer.
@@jozzz222 been there. Did it. After years of just saying to self: I deserve more! And- then had years of totally feeling whole.... Am finally feeling ready to get out there and connect again. Ironically am not seeking an all or nothing relationship.
It's quite simple, if someone values you highly, you will have no doubt of it.
And, how you value yourself sets how others will value you.
Most of us have problem with that. We need to restore our own self worth and esteem.
Then we can attract people who value us appropriately.
@@m2pozad Well, I was considered attractive and I always disregarded a distant cousin who would say mean spirited things to me like your looks will fade but I will always have my money..
And her sister would say things like I only hang out with other heiresses... After asking an enormous favor of me..
They used to use me to go out and pick up more attractive men with some intelligence.
Once target was acquired, I might get left behind.
I never sought them out they sought me out.
It's been decades now and they have not changed.
One has had physical augmentation number of times. The other married 5 or 6 times and became morbidly obese.
But they still have their money and I am still not an heiress..
What I find most distressing Is that 1 got me when I was extremely vulnerable to write their medical school essay for admission and I reluctantly produced one.
This person had dropped out of high school to get married gotta GED and did earn what we called a gentleman's c in undergrad.
They actually got into medical school with grades that low.
But that's not the worst of it, this person had a serious criminal juvenile record.. For dealing drugs and violence.
their reputations were horrific And under the guise of kinship friendship they reached out and used me and did their best to destroy my reputation as repayment.
Worse is this person's relative ignorance of basic biology is astounding and makes me fearful for our entire medical system.
Personally I have experienced so much medical error in my life that it is alarming and I have familial anecdotal information as well..
I used to complain with everyone else until I realized that I had helped create that very problem. Surely I was not unique in that I used my writing skill and the fact that I had been preparing for professional school since elementary school to produce a stellar letter.... For someone else.
I wish I could say I did it for something base like payment, no I was ill, wrongfully medicated and unknowingly being poisoned by a heavily regulated pesticide that has now been banned world wide.. That was the moment of weakness this person caught me in..
And after I provided it and they steam cleaned their reputation with their family's money, I became a threat because I knew the truth.
This was a distant relation who only kept contact with me in order to use my parent's name.
That was a heavy price to pay.
It took me some years to comprehend that I was in a family full of narcissists immediate and extended, and those with the most money usually win.
One of them even stalked me for years. And they knew I was an assault survivor.
Once I started educating myself seriously on narcissism which I have done for the last 8 years now, The real problem was how to conduct your life away from their prying.
With any piece of information they were capable of doing great damage even if it was benign. If I got good news, I could be sure there would be some catastrophe or disaster happening.
It took some time to see the pattern but it was there and oddly enough others warned me. I was so stupid and loyal that 2 of the one that married so often ex husband's told me how much this person hated me and additionally so did 2 of the boyfriends they did not marry her.
I literally am a walking textbook for this topic.
It is so extraordinary what I went through I cannot believe it and that few people I still hold dear that know me well can hardly believe it either.
It ultimately paralyzed me.
And the irony is I 1st came across Scott Peck's book, children of the lie, in the late eighties or early nineties.
I remember some of what he was describing seeming so familiar and yet I was so overwhelmed with events at the time I was not able to further take time to actually Digest it... And were importantly take action upon it.
But it truly took me decades to comprehend.
I feel like a walking textbook on the subject. I still get panic attacks at times certain that I am really a nark myself and have convinced myself otherwise...
And I am for the 2nd or maybe 3rd time going into the phase where I am going to be accused of being the narc by the narcs.
I wouldn't care anymore you see, but they got my only child. They got to me when I was so vulnerable after a number of deaths and he was so very young.
But it is my fault, I allowed him to go around these people and this is what I got.
A big abyss full of nothing.
So you see there's another part of the equation, when dealing with narcissists always remember that the one with the most money will usually have the upper hand and of course use it.
This means that anytime you gain the upper hand, and you will, the wheel of life goes round and round, you must be prepared to use it.
I am just so thankful that all of this information is out here.
If only it had been available several decades ago it would have changed the course of my life.
Rarely A-day goes by that I don't watch my favorite counselors.
I'm working up my courage to try and enroll in a course even though I know I'm more likely need intensive individual therapy.
At times I get overwhelmed at how many years this took of my life not to mention the quality.
😱😭 TIL I have PTSD with relationships. My story is so similar to this YIKES. Thank you so much for making this video! It was recommended to me on TH-cam, crazy how the algorithm knows us better than we know ourselves LOL
If you have PTSD it affects eeeverything
Me too
I have PTSD with relationships too
My people pleasing/codependence helped in my childhood to cope/survive. I was DEPENDANT on my abusive parents/guardians to SURVIVE (it felt like life or death)! Those twisted perceptions followed me to adulthood & ruined all my relationships. Damn it.
Lord bless everyone out there listening to this video. You are hurting now but i have hope that you won't hurt forever. One day you will rise above.
What a clear example of someone who has been conditionned to believe that their feelings are wrong...she feels bad about her feelings that are something she needs to listen to in order to create great boundaries and raise her standards. I think her strong chemistry is also a danger sign... we often feel strong chemistry to someone who is emotionally dangerous as a parent has been. Been there, done that. Great information and analysis and advise Crappy Childhood Fairy! God bless you!
Very helpful advice♥️ What we say we want should always match our actions, in order to be taken seriously, avoid encouraging time wasters, and be in a good mental state to attract good people
Simple advice for ladies, like him more than he likes you is the recipe for heart break.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. You must reduce your love to achieve balance x
I’ve been in this loop. Now that I have established my boundaries and healed some wounds that had me flying by the seat of my pants, I was finally able to speak boundaries and feelings to repeat offenders who pop back up (and I allow them in multiple times) they literally RUN. And I feel happy that I have finally healed myself in that area and I am ready for a full loving relationship that leads to marriage. Actually saying and confessing that shows progress!
Listening to this was kind of frightening because all the messed up ideas she had about having boundaries is kind of exactly what women have been conditioned to believe by the 'culture'. So many men gaslight and try to make it seem like our boundaries are 'problematic' and a burden. Usually when I set them the guy loses interest VERY quickly.
Fastest way to lose the interest of a guy who is ‘so into you’ and you’re ‘his best deepest connection’, who is super kind/considerate and sends you sweet affectionate words throughout the day - is to say you won’t sleep with people unless they date & love you back. And that you have a vetting process 😂😂😂. Congrats you found the ‘deep loving feelings’ turn off button 😂 how much they lie about their feelings just to use you up for sex or attention is insane
Oh interesting.....someone who isn't interested will call us demanding and controlling. Thank you for that!!
This was helpful for me as I attract this type a lot. Endless texting and flirting but no action
Whaaaat is the point why do they do this? Lol
Their life are boring so they try to find someone who could fill the void.
@@waeruo ego boost
@@waeruo by you responding and flirting back, they feel valued and that is all they want
I work and go to church, I volunteer-but it is not easy. There are so many abusive people that I have decided certain types of "isolated" is just what I have to do to stay sane. I don't look to any humans for much of any support. I strive, everyday, manage my expectations of other human beings.
0:43 so happy to finally hear someone talking about that it's NOT that we choose people to mistreat us, but when we enter in such a situation, we shut down and go back into childhood survival mode and tolerate what we thought was necessary to survive.
This is 100% true with me. I have so many "healthy" relationships with friends, co workers, bosses and romantic love, but I also have the habit of leaving too late the real toxic people whose behavior is very similar to what I experienced in my childhood.
I lose all my reasoning skills and try to fix it with 200% effort.
And the biggest problem is, that my healthy friends tell me that I should leave because I am not capable of caring about me in those moments!
.. I don't seek crappie people to reivent the drama, it's more that I am lacking the skills to leave early when I come across those people.
And let's be honest here, the majority of people are nice and not toxic. And a huge part of my healing was with those nice people, not with those toxic ones. There, I only got re-traumatized and nothing was healed afterwards. I was more a mess then before. And again, the healthy relationships, be at a boss, coworkers, friends or romantic partner helped me to heal afterwards.. At least that rings true for me.
But I definitely shut down to reason properly and turn into this zombie when I encounter toxic. And that can happen everywhere, in work place, friends or romantic relationship.
For example, I entered a new job situation (and before I was working for ten years in a healthy situation). But this new one was so toxic after only four weeks I figured that this is so wrong: with manipulative behavior, gaslighting and verbal abuse etc. I was in this situation before in my life. Hence I knew it was toxic. But I needed five months to get my act together and apply for a new job. I should have immediately done it after the first sign, but instead of preparing my leave, I invested all my energy to fix it. Even worse, when I got a message from the new company about inviting me, I postponed the meeting. But the abuse got only worse, until I opened up to my ex co worker, my ex boss and my best friend and guess what: all told me to get out immediately!
And when I left, one side of me was relieved and one side felt GUILTY. That's so messed up. Why I feel guilty for caring about my mental health?
I tell you why: because my mom always made me feel guilty when I developed proper boundaries to her abuse.
OMG!!! What you said about shutting down and walking right into the situation like a zombie resonated very well with me. I was saying "YES". I was molested as a child and when I see someone who wants to take advantage of me I walk right into it. I can stand up for myself in certain areas but not that. I go straight into 'play along' mode when I am confronted with that situation and feel used when it is over. It is usually after the deed has been done that I come to myself and end all communication with the individual.
Everything is part of a higher lesson. We need to stay open to see all the healing involved in painful relationships. There’s is always a lesson, pain, growth and healing. There are two types of life students: the ones that want to learn and the ones that doesn’t care.
This is very helpful. I just left a guy who made me experience existential dread every time he would violate my boundaries. Any time I set a boundary with him, he left. It happened twice, the third time I just blocked him.
Good taking care of yourself!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Just don't pursue the "relationship" when it doesn't feel right. The bad boys are actually broken and your brokenness is attracted to their brokenness. Heal yourself and go for a guy that is good for you and you for them.
I’m not Sophie but i am Sophie.. thank you for seeing us 💚💚
Please extend a thank you to the wonderful writer of this letter. She put words to everything I’m feeling right now dating. Love this community. I want to feel appreciated and respected as a potential partner.
This is the most honest and brilliant video I have watched.
The entire mental health community has let me down. When I would tell mental health professionals that my issues were due to a traumatic childhood, they dismissed me and sometimes scolded me. They re-traumatized me.
You have such a wonderful gift that you are sharing truthfully and brilliantly concerning C-PTSD
I understand everything that you talk about.
Your living proof healing can happen.
Thanks for sharing your gift and giving all of us HOPE.
Thank you!
Thank you, Anna. I am in my 50s now and have decided to live my life focused on me for a change. I am loving it. I am taking a long break from relationships. I have peace now.
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same here with everything you said!
"When you *are* vague about it, what happens is you just, like, switch it and conform it to whatever somebody else is giving."
Anna, may you enjoy the best life for many-many years to come! Your videos, and this quote, helped me a lot to understand why it was good to end a relationship months ago (thing I felt confused about at first) and that I actually got free from an abusive trauma bond!
And to Sophie and everybody healing - you have the power to live the non-abusive, happy life you deserve!
Abandoning myself just for the sake of fun. Even if it includes her fun and his fun does not make it safe and respectful. She disrespected herself and let him double whammy. Both disrespected her: herself and him. Boundaries need to be stricter if there’s a red flag. Believe the love addict/sec addict user when they tell you : I’m not the marriage material. He just told you: I don’t want to marry you; I won’t offer a serious relationship to you.
The lady who sent this letter!!!!!! My goodness THANK YOU 🙏 it covers it all unconsciously accepting the unacceptable!!! How our programming is controlling our very being!!! Awareness is life saving this letter is amazing I hope every cell in your body and our bodies can hear it feel it believes it we break the damn cycle chain of F*** pain!!!!
Yes! thanks for sharing
-Cara@TeamFairy
i put up with so many creeps who only had one thing on their mind. I was so lucky to have finally met someone with brains and kindness. He's extremely educated and I didn't even finish the 10th grade. He made all my walls come down and he was so cautious of my feelings especially around sex because I did grow up with sexual abuse. If for a second he thought I was having a tough time, he'd stop and just hold me and talk to me. After all the years of so much abuse I could finally just cry and grieve with someone. I don't think he's ever seen someone cry so hard in his life. My whole life had been empty and lonely. He is the kind that opens doors and is respectful to waiter's. He loves to cook for me and has taken care of me through serious mental and physical issues. I was 26 when we met and he was 45. At the time I never even thought about the age difference, but now 26 yrs later of us never spending a day apart, his health is failing and I'm terrified. I don't think I can go back to being that lonely sad women I was when we met. I'd never find another man like him and wouldn't even want to. I'm so terrified of the future. I wish so many of these women could hold out for kindness and see the signs of disrespect. Maybe men like my husband are just rare. We share the exact same values and that's so important too.
"He'll go scurrying away under the refrigerator" Your descriptions are so colorful. Love it!!!
I’ve never been asked out on an official date. I’m 45, not young, but I would have been single my whole life if I waited for someone to ask me on a date. But now I realize that all those relationships were screwed up so I am willing to wait until I am asked on an official date, which is what I want. I never thought I was worth it but now I am trying to show men that I am worth more from the very beginning. I think I am at least I am trying.
Girl I will take you on a date. Everyone has flaws. Doesn’t mean they aren’t worth partnership or a date. Just remember that there’s people out there in prison for far worse detrimental “flaws.” As long as ur flaws aren’t harmful to ur self or others, (if they are work on it) if not get ur self out there!
Of course. You gotta put in the work, but nothing good is easy and any easy ain’t good.
This was great! I identify with the letter writer immensely. I recently developed real self worth and I feel a striking difference. I hope she gets the someday soon as well. I think the best bet is to avoid dating for a while until you have enough going on in your life and until a truly kind prospect makes itself known. Don't go looking under rocks.
I thank Sophie and I thank you for this video. It's a change of mindset: in order to receive the love we want, we must reject the ones who gives us the opposite.
I am 40 yr divorced and experienced severe childhood abuse and neglect. Finally what anna says makes sense in that before I'd just watch and think but HOW do i do this? Seemed to make sense on paper but in real life i was meeting men in my home for a first date it was but pleasant. I'd sleep with men i KNEW didn't like me as i wanted them to but i just 'went with the flow'
Therapy youtube and annas dating course have changed it for me and now its def much easier. With interactions now i keep repeating to myself 'THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT' because i got clear on exactly what i wanted. I want marriage children respect and reciprocity. I thought I'd never get it. And now i feel good about how i treat myself. I look to the past with some sorrow because of what I've allowed but also with self forgiveness and understanding that my childhood set me up for it. And now i can't believe it but boundaries actually make ife easier who knew? If you wanna meet at my house at night then we don't talk anymore coz that doesn't work for me. Thanks so much Anna.
I wish you well sophie and everyone here dealing with these cards we were dealt.
Happy to hear that Anna's content has been so helpful. Thank you for sharing support with our letter writer (and for being here!)! - Ashley, Team Fairy
You are solving life long problems just by reading and reflecting on these letters. I can't even begin to say how much weight it has released me from. Thank you for doing what you are doing!
I realised i was looking for LOVE outside myself.... i think we are here to mature emotionally, having the wisdom of moralities, kindness, ethnics, integrity and acceptance. Once we have learnt these then we know what true love is/means because we are ourselves are BEING it.
Be the love that you are❤
"Getting that love you deserve." Still such a foreign concept.
My ex that I ended it with said I had expectations I'm like no they are called standards and boundaries
Thanks for the great videos
❤
"You don't have bounderies because of trauma, you have them because you are human"
That was very profound for me well said. That's my new affirmation for personal reasons.
It removes the stigma and shame around having bounderies and encourages a healthy positive view, that we are all just human and are entitled to have boundaries as long as they help us and dont stifle our progress.❤🌼
I sometimes question mine and realise now that it's not always healthy but a childhood wound of wanting to please and fit in.
Yes!
She’s overwhelmed and over thinking but this guy said it once, he isn’t boyfriend material. Sex interested only.
Let me just say,as a person who really struggles how to get thoughts out of my head,and into words,or writing,what a great job she did of explaining what was going on in her life with this letter,at least all isnt lost yet! Lol.because you really did great "letter writer" i finally got to put your words with how i felt somtimes with my version of "steve" and that was great!thank you
This was so good. Very helpful. Ask for what you want, expect it, and don't settle for anything less. No need to keep trying to fit the square peg into the round hole when there are heaps of men out there who are interested in what you want.
I love how you take your time to decipher those lengthy letters and are really going deep in your analysis and advice! It shows your respect for the writers and your wish to help them understand themselves better. Thanks for your kindness ❤
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This just showed me everything wrong with how I used to go around relationships. And confirms the decision I recently made about someone.
Thank you.
That resonated a lot with me... I'm so scared to end this relationship... I just don't believe I'll find someone that I feel so close to... and I'm afraid to loose that connexion. At the same time he's just not the one for me... and he's taking a lot of my emotional energy. I'd like to stay friend with him but I'm not sure if it's emotionally good for me
I'm currently not interested in getting into a relationship because I have so much going on in my life right now and there's still more I need to do whilst I'm single... but I'll watch this for when I feel I am ready to share my heart with someone special.
Thanks for this video! We are all so similar! *Shout out to the writer: I did this for over 10 years with a guy and only recently, I shut that connection down. Sending lots of love to you!*
Thank you for sharing your support with our writer. And for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
If you don't know what you want, you'll get whatever anyone else gives you, and no more. Just like, if you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else.
Anna calling Pepe Le Pew a "freakin' predator" was hilarious. Won't lie I kinda live for the moments when Anna does Anna stuff.
LOL, love that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
When someone really likes you, there is no decoding to do. It should be clear and if it's not and they make you feel awful in any way, it's time to cut it off and move on. No one deserves to be treated that way. My last relationship made me utterly miserable and now I feel like I am finally figuring out how to fix this and hopefully, one day, attract the right person. I need a lot more work but feel excited for the future.
Definitely relate but the daily practice and sticking to my principles the Fairy helped me to develop--and I feel like I have set myself free from the "side chick" role and other damaging shame filled stuff. Don't give up--it is never too late!
Every time we shut the door on people who do this (cultivate our interest and harvest our energy, but keep emotional distance) an angel gets its wings - and *we* get stronger and clearer. I promise. Self abandonment is the opposite... it's re-traumatizing. I let a man string me along for 3 years and at the time I was hugely conflicted. On the one hand I was proud of how 'modern' I was to have this non-committal sexual / occasional companionship relationship with a man who had no care whatsoever for my well-being. And on the other hand I was a complete disregulated wreck, always trying to be who he wanted - and always going without the deeper connection that I wanted. Don't be like me. Don't diminish or de-prioritize yourself to get his approval. I promise he's not worth it, and I promise you ARE.
Thank you for the letter from Sophie!
She said all the words that I couldn't articulate. I can relate to every word.
All I can say is, you need to love yourself. I suggest spending some time with animals...
In one of my many toxic abusive, traumatic relationships I was told I would end up obese and lonely and bitter and that's what i deserved. They attacked my family saying they were the same.
I was hurt, but I turned it around and realised that, in fact if I was alone, my self-love and interesting inner world, my ability to read or merely enjoy the warmth of the sun. My spirituality, never-ending inquisitivity and absolute faith in the goodness of humanity.
Because of these things, sometimes it's healthiest and HAPPPIER/MORE FUN to be ALONE.
Sophie, you are beautiful and thank you so much.
This whole episode is just exactly what I'm going through. Breaks my heart listening to this because she sounds like me. I've been feeling squirrely and crazy at times because of his hot and cold conversations. The whole life draining part is how its been feeling lately for me and i just haven't been feeling like myself. He's been my friend for 19 years and I've just been hanging on so we can mend this bump but i think I have to just move on and let go. I keep thinking I'll always love him but this friendship has been ruined and I just have to do what's right for me. I really needed to hear this tonight. Thank you.
Break the tie. You are powerful, and you can do this. 💕
The feeling squirrely part is so awful! I'm "Sophie" and I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so challenging when you have known someone for a good part of your life. I think it sounds like you know how you feel but it's just a sad thing to face. And the grieving is real! I've been doing that a lot lately. Hang in there!
This guy VERBALLY COMMUNICATED that he is not a boyfriend type of guy. That is point blank saying it will only be physical with him. Anything she does after that other than "no thanks" is communicating back that she is willing to play his game.
THATS how this guy operates.
Stop trying to make a DAWG meow!
THIS!! AND men love the challenge of trying to sleep with someone who might want more than that to boost their own ego and see if they can! They enjoy the game.
She needs to stop playing it.
What about just being friends with him and sending memes on the occasion. If he’s still in her friend group how is she going to ignore him
I needed this one. Thanks so much.. I’ve been in the same situation, same thoughts and feelings as this lady.. I learned my lesson a long time ago with being the “non-bitchy” “non-demanding” girlfriend in hopes that he would stick around... But what made me comment was the fact that I’m the same age.. I thought that I would be so done with these insecurities by now.. This video helped me get more clarity as to the reason why I swore off marriage... For the younger ladies: try your best to work on your insecurities, not just for a relationship but for your overall mental health ~~~
This really hit me this morning. I listened to this once before but wasn’t ready to really hear it. Oh man, I hear it today! So much clarity this morning. As I type this you are saying “…you’re 42…” yes, I am. Lol. I have always said that marriage is silly. Who needs a certificate to prove their commitment. Fear of rejection! I’m writhing within myself because I have done myself so much disservice since I began dating 25 years ago or so. I know that I am an incredible, kind, intelligent person with so much to offer, and yet I have continually settled for so much less than I’m worth. I usually don’t comment on videos nor do I give so much personal info, but I feel like I need to do it. It’s time to put my foot down and make a change. I am worthy of so much more than I have allowed myself. Hugs to my inner child and my beautiful grown up self. And hugs to you, if you’re reading this, and you need the validation to be who you are and only accept what you are worthy of and nothing less! 💜
This is what a breakthrough looks like. It begins just like this. So happy for you.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you. It is time to put an end to the ‘crap fitting!’
This is one of my top tips... recently I blocked and deleted a heap of contacts from my phone..men who just got in touch to flirt and fish for pics .It feels brilliant! I would highly recommend this step