I really wish I knew about your videos prior to being married. I made every single one of these mistakes with my ex-husband, and he sure used every single one of them against me. Isolated me from friends, family, and thought I'd never be able to leave him with three children, BUT GOD!! Ladies, listen to Tony! I thought I was being transparent in the name of Christianity. That man pulled me so far away from God with every year I stayed in that marriage and we were "church leaders", picture-perfect on the outside. Love yourself, be assertive, and lead with the story of you, not your trauma. I am 5 years divorced, and through these videos, therapy, and self work, I have done some major introspection and HEALING without dating until being ready. And even then, I have to gut check with these videos every now and again when I feel my trauma wanting to respond instead of me. Thank You, Tony!
❤ amen, I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a father, who enlighten me with this wisdom growing up, although I did not listen, had to learn the hard way😂
Here is one Tony. Don’t talk bad about yourself, calling yourself fat, butt to big, small, complaining about what you don’t like about yourself your feet etc. He must see that you love and accept yourself. Let him see you working on you taking care of you. Own your power with a man.
Love this so much‼️. Not that I get talked to a lot by guys - hardly ever- but I find I do this all the time. I think it's like a defense mechanism- I'm gonna talk bad about myself before you do - I guess to show you I already see my issues so no reason for you to bring them up - crazy 🤷🏽♀️
And believe him when he tell you how he is. Men are not complicated. Most are very predictable and will reveal themselves in a few short weeks at best. When he does, believe him and make your decisions accordingly
Basically, don't share anything negative about yourself. Avoid mentioning any negative experiences or mistreatment from others, as man may use that against you. Those who engage in such behavior are often narcissistic, and there are many of them. I learned this the hard way. I was already aware of the points you mentioned, and you're right about the part where they might try to inquire about your trauma to exploit you. I have mentors I follow, so I don't need emotional support from a man unless it's related to money and growth. Remember, don't share your history with anyone unless they have earned it. 💕
I tried really hard to avoid these discussions with the last guy who tried to date but he began to badger me so much about it (and saying I must have something to hide) that it became exhausting and miserable. I was so relieved to tell him it was not working out. Imagine if we had started a relationship!!!
I really think he had low self-esteem and was intimidated by my success and self-confidence. He wanted info he could try to use against me to either feel worthy or to make me feel unworthy. I am so glad I saw the red flags.
This is what our fathers need to show and tell us from a child and throughout adulthood! We as black women have a long history of having no boundaries, trusting people blindly,giving access to our mind,body, and soul and also our resources,home,car, money, family,friends,and social circle,to where its almost impossible to stop this cold turkey or at all! It is so exhausting being a black women! Lord please be a fence around me! AMEN!
Brother Tony is absolutely right! I made this mistake with my last relationship. Thought he was my “best friend”. He used everything I told him against me and as ammunition in arguments. He even told others my business and tried to turn my family and friends against me with certain information. Be wise and have discernment ladies. Many of these men don’t have your best interest at heart.
I got out of a relationship about 8 months ago that used everything against when I was coming from a sincere place by telling him about my abusive relationships!! However, I've just learned that a person will show you who they are and it doesn't take long period so run like hell!!!
1. Your previous trauma 2. How many people you’ve slept with. 3. Complete vision of what you want in a man. 4. About your last relationship 5. Too much of your family issues
@@Thedirtylittletruth exactly! It’s mad steps you have to take just to get a solid partner. I just want to be myself and find someone like that, no games, just honesty and respect.
@@Thedirtylittletruth It is more like "Don't tell anything to a man that won't be your man, you have to discern that most man you encounter will have hidden agendas...
Well ma'am you might not tell a 👞 nothing based on what your mother & this gentleman is saying,.....but a persons (PASS ) has it 's on ways without your (Mouth 👄), of coming to the (Light 🕯️) exposing, & revealing, it's self to the very individual you chose to stay (Silent) with about it.
Here’s my two cents on this …. If you tell s man something and he uses it against you, run!!! 🏃♀️ A man who truly loves you will be sympathetic to your traumas and any situation you tell him.
I totally agree If a man is interested in you he would understand I feel when a man and a woman meet and open up about there pass then It show that they have had counseling and not afraid to be honest with someone.Tony is asking you to lie because his wife waited becy she wasn't comfortable telling because she didn't feel he would understand.Tony and his wife are just like anyone else He and her aren't IT as if they got all the answers I don't agree because to not tell someone now or then tells how that person feel ay themselves...can not be trusted tell the truth is going to come out .. regardless. Oh zI used to date your cousin..then wait until you married the n tell them ... right.Just because Tony's wife told him after wards proved she didn't feel he loved her that's why she waited years to tell the truth...sorry Wrong Answer,
Whew I wish I could’ve learned this lesson from this video rather than the hard way. I told a man about my traumas and things I’ve been through in previous relationships. I later found out he was running behind my back telling his baby mama my business and she would throw these things in my face when she would text and harass me. It was a hot mess and I thank God I was able to leave him alone. But ladies, protect yourself and your business. You never know who he’s sharing your business with or how he intends to use it.
Wow, that means he was playing both sides. Telling her your business to try and downplay whatever you and him had going on. Then that gave her audacity to come at you.
@@Prosperityessentials That’s exactly what it was. And she would come at me as if I was the only one getting played 🤣🤣 I just thank God I got out of the situation without a child. I would’ve hated to have been stuck with those people in my life. I wish them the best 🤷🏾♀️
Discretion is essential to a women’s value, respect, and influence. Disclosing information about your past and traumas to your mate under the guise of transparency, humility, or because of religious beliefs is very risky so I see how revealing these things slowly over time while observing one’s character, intentions, and measure of trustworthiness is important. I appreciate the wisdom and for being a ministerial servant for women Tony. 🙏
I love how my transparency reveals a man's true character. If I can not trust you with my transparency then I will not invest my spirit and soul. A woman who is unable to be transparent with a man feels she can not trust him with the deepest parts that are the root of her. This is my perspective. If laying it all on the table triggers judgement in a negative and toxic way. Then we're not meant to build together but that's just me. For I am my past and love it with all of me, so it's all or nothing! As far as him playing a role, go right on ahead and entertain yourself because that mask will lose its glue, and when it does I will thank you for the show. Again, transparency is everything with me, if you can't be transparent you are not healed enough to do so. I'm straight forward and have been very successful with strengthening my wisdom to identify toxic personalities. If you can not be my best friend, you can not elevate to the next level. Sharing your past experiences does not mean you give permission. Ladies simply take your time with any man. If you have self control do not allow him to intertwine with your soul unless or until you know it's going to elevate into a marriage if that's what you want. This way you lose nothing and gain wisdom on what his true intentions were. If it's physical, he will leave soon, if it's to build a future he will invest in long-term learning. You will become the University for him and he will embrace and enjoy attending class and aiming for a 4.0 to graduate with. Otherwise if he's just for entertainment or to pass time. None of the above matters anyway. He's just there until you change the channel.
Yes exactly I agree with this one telling someone your healed trauma or past experiences does not give them permission at all . I too also value the same things as you do and would like to have a partner u can trust with my soul and parts of me I wouldn't normally share i don't see it as weakness to let certain things out its just what makes you , you and if that partner does home you for it then be it if you've healed from it then it has no place destroying all that you have built in yourself .
THIS!!! Now you should make your own channel and speak on this more in depth, I love the obvious experience and eloquence in your words and can relate to everything you said..while this video definitely has valid points but it seems it's more about dealing in toxicity I feel once you've elevated not only in spirit but vibration you will most definitely ATTRACT the person you can and should be transparent with because this is how you connect and truly understand who the other person is. This comes with healing and acceptance of who and what you are based on your life's journey and your person will not only be attracted to you like a magnet but also value you based on these things..
Thank you for saying this! Because what is the point of being in relationship if you need to be constantly scared? People just focus on wrong things when you should focus on yourself and God. What others do is none of your business. If someone is trying to take advantage of you, you already know what to do..people just don’t know how to leave or set boundaries.
At first I thought you were being too strict with this advice. Then I started thinking about my past relationships and remembered how information I shared was used against me. You’re absolutely, 100% right that we need to keep our business to ourselves until that man becomes a husband and even then I want to be careful what I share. Thanks, Tony. I needed to hear this.
This is exactly why I always tell people that me and my ex outgrew each other when they ask why my last relationship ended. That's the only info someone will ever get out of me concerning my last relationship. These men are something else these days and most of them belong in the trash🗑️
Tony, this one going viral as it should. This is important for women to know. Often times, women share way too much information with men. Unfortunately, most men in the world will use certain things against you.
This information is so accurate! I was extremely vulnerable with my ex-husband. I shared things with him that I never spoke out my mouth. During the divorce process he used every childhood and life trauma that I disclosed against me. He even tried to use my past trauma to win full custody of my child.
That’s how men move. When they don’t want you anymore they hit the bank account and will throw all types of venom. And they say women are treacherous. You can’t tell a men everything. They judge you. And people talk about if you are married lol. My ex husband threw every secret I ever shared with him in my face and we were together almost 30 years. These silly married women think it won’t ever be them. Keep living.
I am so glad you spoke on telling a man what you are looking for. My response is " I don't tell what I am looking for because you many intentionally or unintentionally emulate those traits and I am trying to get to know the real you."
I have a father but because of his rough childhood w a deceased father at a early age , I guess he could never open up . He never guided me on how to deal w men and wht type of man to avoid , Tony u are like the father I never had 🥹🥹🥹 I love all your videos Thankyou God bless
*Communication is an art, and knowing what not to say initially can save us from misunderstandings. Let's apply these tips and cultivate open, honest conversations at the right time.*
@@ns.u1973 People sometimes tend to overlook red flags in relationships. Maybe they feel they've invested too much in the relationship and try to save it at all cost (see "sunk cost fallacy"). The right time is when you've given yourself time to know the character of the man you're dating, and don't refuse to pay attention to the red flags, if or when they come up.
I learned that the hard way when I told my ex about how many past relations. He threw it in a face every chance he got. My mother always told me to never tell a man everything. They use that information against you or try to play you..😡
I can see the point with all of these. My only fear is coming across too cryptic and cagey and thereby turning off the person attempting to get to know me. What are some of the 5 subjects you SHOULD go in deep about in the dating phase to show you’re open to getting to know the person?
This is very good and a question I also wanted to pose… mostly bc I’m guilty of over sharing thinking I’m bonding. I know from repeatedly making these mistakes, that Tony is absolutely correct. Hopefully he sees this and makes a follow up for us!!
I'm not an expert but to get the ball rolling from my experience. Here's a few: 1) Current interests: That could be sports, hobbies, a goal you would like to achieve soon or even recent changes you may have made in your life that are not too compelling in nature (ie. recently relocating to a new city, recent travel, anything you've been doing lately to improve your life/self: diet, exercise, taking on a new philosophy). 2) Current healthy and vital relationships. If you get along really well with your siblings, family, roommates or whomever, speak of them positively and show gratitude for those relationships. See how he responds and if he has anything to add to that from his side. Also, notice if he leaves a mental gap here (but you can see him thinking) in the conversation here cz it may mean he already has a spouse or significant person. But if he openly discloses some of his significant positive relationships then there's a chance he's in a healthy space. 3) What are you are currently looking for in your love life - I don't suggest just going all in and telling someone on the first date that you're looking for marriage and kids (if you are - although you maybe can pull it off if you do it in a gentle, yet honest way - with a guy that has the right temperament). But don't be shy to tell them what kind of values you desire in a relationship. Honesty, truth, trust, loyalty, authenticity and fun. 4) Have fun, flirt naturally in the way you best know how, if this is someone that you actually find yourself liking and vice versa then it will be received and reciprocated graciously, and not necessarily too raunchily. It is so normal to flirt with the opposite sex, when there is an attraction. It's time for us women to be a little less rigid and a little more truthful in our sexuality when it comes to this. We have a lot of power and influence too. Your beauty will compel them to be more relaxed and gentle with you. 4) Pay him a gentle compliment and see how he responds. Men don't get complimented often enough and are expected to lead. That puts them in a vulnerable situation, believe it or not. If you can compliment him and he doesn't get insecure but actually receives it (and is genuinely happy about it) that's a massive green flag. Someone who's insecure and feels they're not worthy of you will act shifty instead. Some guys have to warm up to this but if he doesn't at all, he's absolutely not the one for you. 5) Have a sense of humor and be present to what's going on around you in the moment with this person. Pay attention to how this person responds to some of the stimuli that you respond to. It will tell you more about that person than words. Above all keep faith and keep God in the center of all that you do, including dating. It is natural to date and be attracted to men. Just make sure you also keep your dignity and self respect in the process. You never want to leave a date feeling like you've "bombed it" if it doesn't work out. Be true to yourself and authentic. And of course I urge no sex and keep the physical touch to a limit. That goes without saying.
There are playful ways to escape uncomfortable questions which would not make you come across as stiff and cagey. Done with a flirting smile, it’s an art that can be learned.
Even though Tony is right in this video, It still makes a person kinda wicked if they'd be cruel towards you just because you opened up to them. It's sort of like telling a woman not to leave your $20 bill hanging out your purse or he'll steal it. Do I really want a man whose capable of that? I don't know. I knew dark secrets about my ex and I never humiliated him with that info. I hope to find someone with a gois heart like mine ❤
My ex is text book narcissist. He would ask me questions about what i did before him and then use it against me. I NEVER felt safe with him! I am so glad he is an ex! I told him i would never in my life marry him! Thank god!
The trauma part is so on point with me Tony. I made the mistake of telling an ex-boyfriend what I had experienced and he threw it back in my face when he was angry with me about something that had nothing to do with the trauma I had dealt with prior to me meeting him!!!?
I noticed also, the 3rd-5th question is they ask if you have children. No matter if their grown. It seems after that, they start talking about sex or what they want to do sexually. Its like when a male know you “had” children, he think it’s an automatic invitation to be inside you like your community property or something. It seems they think your concubine status, when this question is asked, I eject away from talking to them. It’s really no way out of that question because it can be a simple conversation question and I’m not going to deny my children which I am proud of and proud of myself for help raising up, they both finished school, both working and no children. I am very proud of them and myself. But to ask it in trivia style so they can supposedly bypass the “mask” stage. I be done very quickly.
I NEEDED THIS VIDEO! I just got out of a relationship and im so tired of dating but want to be married. I made a lot of these mistakes in my last relationship!!!!!
Amazing! This info came in a timely fashion since I have not dated in a long time. All my healing is progressively done. Armed with God leading me and videos like this, I am well prepared to ignore the frogs and be my best self for the husband God is preparing for me. Thank you Tony for all that you do, u r saving hundreds and thousands of lives and sanities with ur wisdom!
MY GOD.. My SistaFriend did this opened herself all the way up and both my womens intuition/discernment knew he was a demon in human form. He took her thru 2.5 yrs of toxicity using her trauma against her AND telling other women he was cheating with abt Sistafriend issues and that side chick threw it back in her face... it hurt me sooo bad to see her foolish over that BUM! I kept praying with and for her.. She's physically free from that demon in therapy, new house, car. She leveled up and Karma has now taken over demons life in a bad way. You cant keep mistreating people(women) and believe no consequences will ever knock on the door
I made all of these mistakes and saw the result, every piece of information has been used against me, I wish I knew this before, it could have protected me 🙏 Like Tony said medium convo, outfit and energy, twice I made the same mistake wondering why it keeps happening, now I know, too much too early I wrote it down, these are very important lessons, it's not an entertainment channel, it's an educational channel, God Bless U, we need U, thank you so much, it can avoid hurt and unnecessary drama 🙏
Thank you sir for this powerful topic. Actually I find myself talking about every single thing you have mentioned in this video with my exs and Ofcourse I repeated them in my current relationship. I think this is what gave my boyfriend the gut to talk to my mother rudely the day she told him he’s never going to marry me. Each time I remember the things he said to my mom, I’ll cry silently because he knows everything about my family! I know we will never get married because my mom has objected. He doesn’t like my mom because she doesn’t see him as a good partner. There are lots of red flags she had seen… I have learned my lessons the hard way. Thank God I came across this video today.
Thank you, I needed to hear that message this morning. I am a creature of habit and willing to listen, and learn what not to do when I do decide to date when I'm ready. 💯💪📖🙏💜
I got to say this in my Jamaican dialect yow me can’t get fi watch the entire video every time you sa something I affi stop in astonishment and soak it in before going coming back to watch. Im 4:33 into it an I stopped 3 stones Omg yow is some public speaking thing I was watching and saw the topic and was like I know how to char already but mek me see if I’m telling what I shouldn’t have. You having me sitting and looking back in time at my past and current relationships I must send this to my daughter and every female I know because I’m not even half way in the video yet and I’m blown away. My life will never be the same after the next 15 minutes wow . I thank you for taking the time to know what you do and then sharing it blessings to you. Going forward I will always remember you and speak about you. It’s funny how people can change people lives without knowing. I cnt help it but tears are in my eyes right now and I never plan to cry. I’ve been through so much but I am so strong and as I tell my sad story I never heard or seen from a place of my strength no more only from my traumas. It goes beyond relationships with partners but also with people. Of all the videos I’ve watched and trust me they many motivational once but I never need confidence or encouragements this is what I needed because this is the area where I keep falling and failing. Again thank you. Wow I’m still crying so early and unprovoked lol thank you and a million blessings to you for your time and knowledge you may never know how impactful this has been I pray God bless you
I wish I had known this too I did all & eventually got ghosted ... & I really liked him I really fell in LOVE.. I was new to dating & was married for 20yrs... I didn't know but now I do.... Damn
1:18- 1. Don't talk about trauma in front of a guy. Done. 3:38- 2. No discussions of body counts. Got it, even though no man has ever been inside me. I still understand why. 7:11- 3. Don't have expectations. Noted. 8:37- 4. No talk of exes. I don't really have any, but I agree. 14:32- 5. Keep family confidential. Understood.
OMG 🎉 Where have you been ? 😅 I truly appreciate your commentary & you just saved me from making a big mistake again! I am definitely taking your advise & applying to how i interact with men moving forward 🙏🏾💘
I agree. It’s not called “not being authentic” or “transparent”. The man you are dealing with doesn’t need to know every single detail of everything that has happened in your experiences. Best believe, even if he is a good man, there will be things about him that he won’t disclose. We as women have to stop showing our entire hand to a man right off the bat. A lady can keep some things to herself 🤗
I think you have no choice but to share all this to an extent for the relationship to work. It’s the timing that matters. Once trust is developed and you’re on that level, these things can come out naturally.
I have so many mixed feelings about this info. On the one hand, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE. As I found ALL of these things to be true when the dust settled from my last relationship. 🤦🏾♀️ BUT!!! There is something to be said about the man who does these things. Because while Tony is giving us advice on how the average man thinks/acts, why is emotional immaturity or the lack of emotional intelligence (or being “average”) something to be coached through? This kind of coaching feels akin to grooming for navigating the lack of emotional intelligence…and that it’s OKAY! 🙄😱 I live my life with introspection, go to therapy (and actually have a male therapist for the reasons Tony mentioned), and am committed to continuing my growth and development independent of my intimate partner. But the fact that emotional intelligence and capacity to hold space for a partner is deemed SO RARE (1:10 or 1:100, per Tony’s guesstimate) that we need to be coached to expect most men NOT to have it…is a pitiful state of affairs. And hear me: IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE REALITY, BUT THAT’S A PITIFUL REALITY. So where are the coaches for the MEN????? So much to unpack here…
Thank you for giving great advice and helpful information. On how to conduct ourselves in dating a man. A lot of us didn’t get it from our male family members. Thank you 🙏🏽
I agree... learnt from multiple experiences. Don't tell all, surface level discussions alone. Don't hide important things either but don't say too much.. just gv highlights simple
I'm naturally a private person so I've always not shared a lot of information up front. Then I get judged as aloof or I have a lot layers to pull back. I don't want to come across as closed off but it takes a lot for me to share my business😊. I want to get to kbow soneone through actions, interactions and conversation.
About 3 years ago, I was asked how many guys I'd been intimate with. I asked, "So you'll be ready to tell me how many women you've bern with???" He dropped the question and never asked about it again in these 3 years.
I would rather be judged and have my truth thrown in my face, than to keeps my past from my future. If you can't understand what I've been through, or won't take the time to understand the depths of the situation, then we probably aren't for one another. I don't believe in utilizing a man as a therapist. But if I have already healed, I don't see an issue with sharing what i have been through. The bigger issue is... if I choose to keep secrets until after marriage, I should expect him to do the same. What i share after marriage may not be enough for him to leave me. But I can't promise that what he shares won't be enough for me to divorce him. With that said, I would rather have anything important laid out before any long term commitment.
OMG!!! This is exactly how women have the same pattern of relationships 'cause these jokers are listening and repeating the pattern of your ex.... my goodness!!! It is our mouth
Wow this was some very good points i know im guilty of lot things i use to do in the past but I'm not dating now haven't been in but if God decides brings someone into my life i definitely will remember these important points God bless you and your family
I was married for 20 years… then single & dating making ALL of these mistakes,for years… before FINALLY getting therapy! If you have pain & TRAUMA please get professional help. LIVE & LEARN‼️ Do the “work for yourself” then, and only then:are you ready to be in a HEALTHY relationship.
1) Never tell a man about your trauma, go to a Therapist and/or coach. 2) Never tell a man how many men you've slept with. 3) Never tell a man your complete vision of what you want in a man. 4) Never tell a man about your last relationship 5) Never tell a man too much of your family business
@@ines-simpson Exactly. They want superficial conversations, which is why their relationships fail. They can't have hard convos. I peeped this about males a long time ago. They want the benefits of a relationship with the input of stranger saying "Hi" to you in passing 😂
Can someone clarify? What if you are in a committed relationship with someone, are you not supposed to talk about your past? How do you then really learn about each other and learn what makes someone character the way that it is?
I take it as, share the lessons you have learned over you life, but do not look to your partner to analyze and interpret and heal from your life traumas. @@tiatarezo9309
@@DegreeUprisingPS3DoubtSociety I understand that when you first meet someone obviously don’t offload all of your trauma, but eventually, when you start dating, that person is going to wonder things like “what did he go through to make him so guarded?” “What did she go through to make her react like that” you know? Because a lot of the time we react on a subconscious level. Our experiences build our characters and the different nuances we have. So I think it’s okay and can be healing to share.. it’s all about timing
Tonys 5 thing: 1. Past trauma 2. Body count 3. What you want in your partner 4. Conditions under which previous relationships ended (see #1) 5. Family business My one addition (imo) 6. Finances, career goals 🤞🏻 Edit at 1.2k likes: ma look, I’m famous.
Like your addition 👏👏 Realized men can be envious/jealous of their partner. My recent ex would mock that I made less money than him. He’d also sabotage my growth or make sny comments about it. It also felt he was constantly in competition with me.
Ladies he just gave you a $100,000 worth of information for free! This is the truth! Older woman here, if I may piggyback and add-- apply the same guidelines for women friends as well. If she is a friend that you made after adulthood, keep the same principles. Unless you grew up with her and she already knows your history don't tell her everything either.
As a 61yr old woman. I am single and childless, by choice and I learned that we tell too much too early. I like having good conversation, but some men don't like talking and don't want you asking them questions because they are gathering information on how to trick or treat you in the future. The information pops when a disagreement or argument occurs. As you know men and women can put on Oscar winning performances until the mask falls off. In my opinion many men don't believe in seeing a therapist.
Replying to 5 this you don't tell: women in my family always said you never tell a man everything and I have lived by that. That includes money, relationships, family, trauma. My husband never knew how much money I made.😂
@@amalyah46 you just sounded proud and confident. Super Curious at “grandparent age” are you still happy with life, without any grand kids. I never liked the idea of having kids but I dream about being a grandma. That always excited me thinking about it.
Discretion is critical. Learn to listen, observe body language, and be selective about what you share on dates. Take your time to get to know someone. Avoid over sharing!
I was conversing with a guy who jumped in my DM. We eventually exchanged numbers and of course he asked when was my last relationship, I told him it had been five years. Long story short two weeks in we had a disagreement, he told me that’s why I’ve been single for so long because I don’t know how to treat a man and another five is going to go by and I’m still going to be single 🤣🤣. He was mad because he said I suppose to text and call him every day, I told him dude you never give me a chance to text you first because you’re always texting me at 5am and when I told him we should talk on the phone he said he don’t have time for phone conversations. I told him I’m no longer interested and he can cancel our date because he’s showing signs of a diva and a psycho 🙄.
Sound like he got somebody else if all he wants to do is text and the nerve of him to try and manipulate the situation in his favor like sir if you want to be treated like a young lady just say that 🤦🏽♀️
That was really mean of him considering he wouldn't have even known how long you've been single if you hadn't told him! And men who think women being single for long periods is a negative thing are most likely watching TH-cam videos telling them that! Lol
I really wish I knew about your videos prior to being married. I made every single one of these mistakes with my ex-husband, and he sure used every single one of them against me. Isolated me from friends, family, and thought I'd never be able to leave him with three children, BUT GOD!! Ladies, listen to Tony! I thought I was being transparent in the name of Christianity. That man pulled me so far away from God with every year I stayed in that marriage and we were "church leaders", picture-perfect on the outside. Love yourself, be assertive, and lead with the story of you, not your trauma. I am 5 years divorced, and through these videos, therapy, and self work, I have done some major introspection and HEALING without dating until being ready. And even then, I have to gut check with these videos every now and again when I feel my trauma wanting to respond instead of me. Thank You, Tony!
Thanks for sharing this! It is so relatable!
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❤ amen, I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a father, who enlighten me with this wisdom growing up, although I did not listen, had to learn the hard way😂
But God! We both have similar stories!!! But God is faithful!!
You had to go through to be a Testimony! Your Testimony just Saved someone's Life ❤️
Here is one Tony. Don’t talk bad about yourself, calling yourself fat, butt to big, small, complaining about what you don’t like about yourself your feet etc. He must see that you love and accept yourself. Let him see you working on you taking care of you. Own your power with a man.
Right. Don’t talk poorly of yourself with yourself and expose your insecurities
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Good one!! 💯
Facts💯
Love this so much‼️. Not that I get talked to a lot by guys - hardly ever- but I find I do this all the time. I think it's like a defense mechanism- I'm gonna talk bad about myself before you do - I guess to show you I already see my issues so no reason for you to bring them up - crazy 🤷🏽♀️
Over time, if you listen to a man long enough, he'll tell you who he really is, so listen...listen...listen.
And ask questions.......questions reveal motives
👂👂👂👂that’s right
Amen to that!
And believe him when he tell you how he is. Men are not complicated. Most are very predictable and will reveal themselves in a few short weeks at best. When he does, believe him and make your decisions accordingly
Sometimes it doesn't even take that long.. ask questions and if he gives vague answers ask some more..
Can we add "don't tell a new man about your money"?
@@randomized559whew honey!… I agree. NOBODY knows where I live. My homegirl was like you private-private… um yes 😂
This should be common sense
@@randomized559 🤣🤣🤣… I love it.
@@randomized559 😍
@@randomized559so when they ask WHAT DO YOU DO? what does one say if they not saying their actual job/career?🤔🤔 this one is TOTALLY new to me sis 😮
Basically, don't share anything negative about yourself. Avoid mentioning any negative experiences or mistreatment from others, as man may use that against you. Those who engage in such behavior are often narcissistic, and there are many of them. I learned this the hard way. I was already aware of the points you mentioned, and you're right about the part where they might try to inquire about your trauma to exploit you. I have mentors I follow, so I don't need emotional support from a man unless it's related to money and growth. Remember, don't share your history with anyone unless they have earned it. 💕
I tried really hard to avoid these discussions with the last guy who tried to date but he began to badger me so much about it (and saying I must have something to hide) that it became exhausting and miserable. I was so relieved to tell him it was not working out. Imagine if we had started a relationship!!!
I really think he had low self-esteem and was intimidated by my success and self-confidence. He wanted info he could try to use against me to either feel worthy or to make me feel unworthy. I am so glad I saw the red flags.
@@ellebee9864 you dodged A HAIL OF bullets on that one!!!
This is what our fathers need to show and tell us from a child and throughout adulthood!
We as black women have a long history of having no boundaries, trusting people blindly,giving access to our mind,body, and soul and also our resources,home,car, money, family,friends,and social circle,to where its almost impossible to stop this cold turkey or at all!
It is so exhausting being a black women!
Lord please be a fence around me!
AMEN!
@@annmorrow7112 Amen, Gods way is Best, had to learn the hard way.
@@latoya1928 no what you are seeing is demon seed...God didn't make that...sadly they are the product demon possession moving in generational cycles
Yes so true❤
Honestly, ALL women have this problem.
@@drea4373that maybe true but she said what she said and that is “BLACK WOMEN”
Brother Tony is absolutely right! I made this mistake with my last relationship. Thought he was my “best friend”. He used everything I told him against me and as ammunition in arguments. He even told others my business and tried to turn my family and friends against me with certain information. Be wise and have discernment ladies. Many of these men don’t have your best interest at heart.
True they work for the enemy of our souls
Yeh my ex Was the same . He was horrible and abusive. We are now divorced
A true narcissist!!!!! Evil as hell
I got out of a relationship about 8 months ago that used everything against when I was coming from a sincere place by telling him about my abusive relationships!! However, I've just learned that a person will show you who they are and it doesn't take long period so run like hell!!!
Agreed@annmorrow
1. Your previous trauma
2. How many people you’ve slept with.
3. Complete vision of what you want in a man.
4. About your last relationship
5. Too much of your family issues
My mom always said to tell a man nothing. Now I know and understand what she meant.
Lol I agree now but whats the point of them then 😢
@@Thedirtylittletruth exactly! It’s mad steps you have to take just to get a solid partner. I just want to be myself and find someone like that, no games, just honesty and respect.
@@Thedirtylittletruthexactly
@@Thedirtylittletruth It is more like "Don't tell anything to a man that won't be your man, you have to discern that most man you encounter will have hidden agendas...
Well ma'am you might not tell a 👞 nothing based on what your mother & this gentleman is saying,.....but a persons (PASS ) has it 's on ways without your (Mouth 👄), of coming to the (Light 🕯️) exposing, & revealing, it's self to the very individual you chose to stay (Silent) with about it.
Here’s my two cents on this …. If you tell s man something and he uses it against you, run!!! 🏃♀️
A man who truly loves you will be sympathetic to your traumas and any situation you tell him.
Amen to this !!
💯
I 100% agree.
I totally agree If a man is interested in you he would understand I feel when a man and a woman meet and open up about there pass then It show that they have had counseling and not afraid to be honest with someone.Tony is asking you to lie because his wife waited becy she wasn't comfortable telling because she didn't feel he would understand.Tony and his wife are just like anyone else He and her aren't IT as if they got all the answers I don't agree because to not tell someone now or then tells how that person feel ay themselves...can not be trusted tell the truth is going to come out .. regardless. Oh zI used to date your cousin..then wait until you married the n tell them ... right.Just because Tony's wife told him after wards proved she didn't feel he loved her that's why she waited years to tell the truth...sorry Wrong Answer,
True...and will want to make you happy...
Whew I wish I could’ve learned this lesson from this video rather than the hard way. I told a man about my traumas and things I’ve been through in previous relationships. I later found out he was running behind my back telling his baby mama my business and she would throw these things in my face when she would text and harass me. It was a hot mess and I thank God I was able to leave him alone. But ladies, protect yourself and your business. You never know who he’s sharing your business with or how he intends to use it.
Sorry to hear this. I learned this from dealing with family as a teenager.
Wow, that means he was playing both sides. Telling her your business to try and downplay whatever you and him had going on. Then that gave her audacity to come at you.
@@Prosperityessentials That’s exactly what it was. And she would come at me as if I was the only one getting played 🤣🤣 I just thank God I got out of the situation without a child. I would’ve hated to have been stuck with those people in my life. I wish them the best 🤷🏾♀️
Discretion is essential to a women’s value, respect, and influence. Disclosing information about your past and traumas to your mate under the guise of transparency, humility, or because of religious beliefs is very risky so I see how revealing these things slowly over time while observing one’s character, intentions, and measure of trustworthiness is important. I appreciate the wisdom and for being a ministerial servant for women Tony. 🙏
Well-done. It was not worth it.
I love how my transparency reveals a man's true character. If I can not trust you with my transparency then I will not invest my spirit and soul. A woman who is unable to be transparent with a man feels she can not trust him with the deepest parts that are the root of her.
This is my perspective. If laying it all on the table triggers judgement in a negative and toxic way. Then we're not meant to build together but that's just me. For I am my past and love it with all of me, so it's all or nothing! As far as him playing a role, go right on ahead and entertain yourself because that mask will lose its glue, and when it does I will thank you for the show.
Again, transparency is everything with me, if you can't be transparent you are not healed enough to do so. I'm straight forward and have been very successful with strengthening my wisdom to identify toxic personalities. If you can not be my best friend, you can not elevate to the next level.
Sharing your past experiences does not mean you give permission. Ladies simply take your time with any man. If you have self control do not allow him to intertwine with your soul unless or until you know it's going to elevate into a marriage if that's what you want. This way you lose nothing and gain wisdom on what his true intentions were. If it's physical, he will leave soon, if it's to build a future he will invest in long-term learning.
You will become the University for him and he will embrace and enjoy attending class and aiming for a 4.0 to graduate with.
Otherwise if he's just for entertainment or to pass time. None of the above matters anyway. He's just there until you change the channel.
Yes exactly I agree with this one telling someone your healed trauma or past experiences does not give them permission at all . I too also value the same things as you do and would like to have a partner u can trust with my soul and parts of me I wouldn't normally share i don't see it as weakness to let certain things out its just what makes you , you and if that partner does home you for it then be it if you've healed from it then it has no place destroying all that you have built in yourself .
I’m the same way, and this includes women as well. Although I understand we are talking about men.
THIS!!! Now you should make your own channel and speak on this more in depth, I love the obvious experience and eloquence in your words and can relate to everything you said..while this video definitely has valid points but it seems it's more about dealing in toxicity I feel once you've elevated not only in spirit but vibration you will most definitely ATTRACT the person you can and should be transparent with because this is how you connect and truly understand who the other person is. This comes with healing and acceptance of who and what you are based on your life's journey and your person will not only be attracted to you like a magnet but also value you based on these things..
I agree. I can't be with someone I can't open up with...if a dude asks how many men you slept with that's a red flag right there...bye...
Thank you for saying this! Because what is the point of being in relationship if you need to be constantly scared? People just focus on wrong things when you should focus on yourself and God. What others do is none of your business. If someone is trying to take advantage of you, you already know what to do..people just don’t know how to leave or set boundaries.
At first I thought you were being too strict with this advice. Then I started thinking about my past relationships and remembered how information I shared was used against me. You’re absolutely, 100% right that we need to keep our business to ourselves until that man becomes a husband and even then I want to be careful what I share. Thanks, Tony. I needed to hear this.
This comment needs to be underlined with a golden highlighter...amen
Over sharing
Even when a person is ur husband. They even verbally abuse it
Is human nature to bring up the past in a defensive situation. Always go with less is more
This is exactly why I always tell people that me and my ex outgrew each other when they ask why my last relationship ended. That's the only info someone will ever get out of me concerning my last relationship. These men are something else these days and most of them belong in the trash🗑️
Agreed, all I heard Tony say in this video is...MEN CAN'T BE RRUSTED.
Tony, this one going viral as it should. This is important for women to know. Often times, women share way too much information with men. Unfortunately, most men in the world will use certain things against you.
This information is so accurate! I was extremely vulnerable with my ex-husband. I shared things with him that I never spoke out my mouth. During the divorce process he used every childhood and life trauma that I disclosed against me. He even tried to use my past trauma to win full custody of my child.
So sorry dearest I know that pain May God’s Grace and covering be upon you ❤️
That’s how men move. When they don’t want you anymore they hit the bank account and will throw all types of venom. And they say women are treacherous. You can’t tell a men everything. They judge you. And people talk about if you are married lol. My ex husband threw every secret I ever shared with him in my face and we were together almost 30 years. These silly married women think it won’t ever be them. Keep living.
That's so terrible... at least now you have the knowledge that hopefully you can impart to your children or they can observe and learn from you.
wow that is a shame. karma is real
Sometimes in life our Past can catch up with us..My Pastor Say take some things to your Grave.. we must be wise and use Wisdom...Thanks for sharing..
Agreed! I told a guy about my past relationships and he threw in my face everything I stayed through when I wanted to enforce my boundaries with him.
Same boat my husband has used my past against me because I was too vulnerable. Sad thing is we are too open thinking we are doing the right thing.
Good teaching. Women have to be careful. Knowledge is wisdom
I am so glad you spoke on telling a man what you are looking for. My response is " I don't tell what I am looking for because you many intentionally or unintentionally emulate those traits and I am trying to get to know the real you."
Don't tell no man about your finances!
💯
I have a father but because of his rough childhood w a deceased father at a early age , I guess he could never open up . He never guided me on how to deal w men and wht type of man to avoid , Tony u are like the father I never had 🥹🥹🥹 I love all your videos Thankyou God bless
“I would rather get to know YOU for YOU, and not judge you by your past and you not judge me by my past.” :)
Usually, you will get JUDGED for that answer. Men see it as you have a "past" that you are not proud of or that you have something to hide.
*Communication is an art, and knowing what not to say initially can save us from misunderstandings. Let's apply these tips and cultivate open, honest conversations at the right time.*
Seems like there isn’t a right time according to everyone commenting there experiences .
@@ns.u1973 People sometimes tend to overlook red flags in relationships. Maybe they feel they've invested too much in the relationship and try to save it at all cost (see "sunk cost fallacy"). The right time is when you've given yourself time to know the character of the man you're dating, and don't refuse to pay attention to the red flags, if or when they come up.
@@seeker4wisdom “don’t refuse to pay attention..” got it . Appreciate your response.
Yep, yep. Don't tell a man your trauma and past experiences. They will try to use that against you when the time come.
You are absolutely right. They will use it against you. I experienced that.
I learned that the hard way when I told my ex about how many past relations. He threw it in a face every chance he got. My mother always told me to never tell a man everything. They use that information against you or try to play you..😡
I can see the point with all of these. My only fear is coming across too cryptic and cagey and thereby turning off the person attempting to get to know me. What are some of the 5 subjects you SHOULD go in deep about in the dating phase to show you’re open to getting to know the person?
@purplequail … I was thinking the same. I have a lot of past traumas and have become suspicious of people, especially men.
This is very good and a question I also wanted to pose… mostly bc I’m guilty of over sharing thinking I’m bonding. I know from repeatedly making these mistakes, that Tony is absolutely correct. Hopefully he sees this and makes a follow up for us!!
Good question 🤔
I'm not an expert but to get the ball rolling from my experience. Here's a few:
1) Current interests: That could be sports, hobbies, a goal you would like to achieve soon or even recent changes you may have made in your life that are not too compelling in nature (ie. recently relocating to a new city, recent travel, anything you've been doing lately to improve your life/self: diet, exercise, taking on a new philosophy).
2) Current healthy and vital relationships. If you get along really well with your siblings, family, roommates or whomever, speak of them positively and show gratitude for those relationships.
See how he responds and if he has anything to add to that from his side. Also, notice if he leaves a mental gap here (but you can see him thinking) in the conversation here cz it may mean he already has a spouse or significant person. But if he openly discloses some of his significant positive relationships then there's a chance he's in a healthy space.
3) What are you are currently looking for in your love life - I don't suggest just going all in and telling someone on the first date that you're looking for marriage and kids (if you are - although you maybe can pull it off if you do it in a gentle, yet honest way - with a guy that has the right temperament). But don't be shy to tell them what kind of values you desire in a relationship. Honesty, truth, trust, loyalty, authenticity and fun.
4) Have fun, flirt naturally in the way you best know how, if this is someone that you actually find yourself liking and vice versa then it will be received and reciprocated graciously, and not necessarily too raunchily. It is so normal to flirt with the opposite sex, when there is an attraction. It's time for us women to be a little less rigid and a little more truthful in our sexuality when it comes to this. We have a lot of power and influence too. Your beauty will compel them to be more relaxed and gentle with you.
4) Pay him a gentle compliment and see how he responds. Men don't get complimented often enough and are expected to lead. That puts them in a vulnerable situation, believe it or not. If you can compliment him and he doesn't get insecure but actually receives it (and is genuinely happy about it) that's a massive green flag. Someone who's insecure and feels they're not worthy of you will act shifty instead. Some guys have to warm up to this but if he doesn't at all, he's absolutely not the one for you.
5) Have a sense of humor and be present to what's going on around you in the moment with this person. Pay attention to how this person responds to some of the stimuli that you respond to. It will tell you more about that person than words.
Above all keep faith and keep God in the center of all that you do, including dating. It is natural to date and be attracted to men. Just make sure you also keep your dignity and self respect in the process. You never want to leave a date feeling like you've "bombed it" if it doesn't work out. Be true to yourself and authentic. And of course I urge no sex and keep the physical touch to a limit. That goes without saying.
There are playful ways to escape uncomfortable questions which would not make you come across as stiff and cagey. Done with a flirting smile, it’s an art that can be learned.
I've told my daughter the same thing and you are absolutely right!!!!!!
I made several of those mistakes in my last relationship! Lesson learned! Today is a new day to meet someone new & make a new decision. 🙌🏾
Even though Tony is right in this video, It still makes a person kinda wicked if they'd be cruel towards you just because you opened up to them. It's sort of like telling a woman not to leave your $20 bill hanging out your purse or he'll steal it. Do I really want a man whose capable of that? I don't know. I knew dark secrets about my ex and I never humiliated him with that info. I hope to find someone with a gois heart like mine ❤
He got me at don't tell your next about your ex!!!! 💯
Hunnay! Was taught this as a child. I can hear my mother saying it. You bet not tell nobody your business!!!! ❤
My ex is text book narcissist. He would ask me questions about what i did before him and then use it against me. I NEVER felt safe with him! I am so glad he is an ex! I told him i would never in my life marry him! Thank god!
if you share these things with a person who is not toxic you wont regret it. # let the chips fall where they may ❤
The trauma part is so on point with me Tony. I made the mistake of telling an ex-boyfriend what I had experienced and he threw it back in my face when he was angry with me about something that had nothing to do with the trauma I had dealt with prior to me meeting him!!!?
Sad, happened to me as well smh.
I noticed also, the 3rd-5th question is they ask if you have children. No matter if their grown. It seems after that, they start talking about sex or what they want to do sexually. Its like when a male know you “had” children, he think it’s an automatic invitation to be inside you like your community property or something. It seems they think your concubine status, when this question is asked, I eject away from talking to them. It’s really no way out of that question because it can be a simple conversation question and I’m not going to deny my children which I am proud of and proud of myself for help raising up, they both finished school, both working and no children. I am very proud of them and myself. But to ask it in trivia style so they can supposedly bypass the “mask” stage. I be done very quickly.
I struggle a lot with this as well. But hey, we are moms forever! And if that's a deal breaker, better to know right away
How do you respond to this question
@@hereisayana8207 I would respond " why do you wanna know and do you have children". I usually flip questions back that I don't wanna answer.
They do believe somehow you're easier. I dont have children and I can tell you it doesn't matter
I NEEDED THIS VIDEO! I just got out of a relationship and im so tired of dating but want to be married. I made a lot of these mistakes in my last relationship!!!!!
I totally agree with what you're saying because they always use it against you in the relationship.
I had someone ask me how long have I been divorced, when was my last relationship, how friendly am I? I’m like what is this!?
Mr.Gaskin, I wish I would have known this many years ago. Thank you for such strong, positive words of encouragement.
Amazing! This info came in a timely fashion since I have not dated in a long time. All my healing is progressively done. Armed with God leading me and videos like this, I am well prepared to ignore the frogs and be my best self for the husband God is preparing for me. Thank you Tony for all that you do, u r saving hundreds and thousands of lives and sanities with ur wisdom!
MY GOD.. My SistaFriend did this opened herself all the way up and both my womens intuition/discernment knew he was a demon in human form. He took her thru 2.5 yrs of toxicity using her trauma against her AND telling other women he was cheating with abt Sistafriend issues and that side chick threw it back in her face... it hurt me sooo bad to see her foolish over that BUM! I kept praying with and for her.. She's physically free from that demon in therapy, new house, car. She leveled up and Karma has now taken over demons life in a bad way. You cant keep mistreating people(women) and believe no consequences will ever knock on the door
I made all of these mistakes and saw the result, every piece of information has been used against me, I wish I knew this before, it could have protected me 🙏
Like Tony said medium convo, outfit and energy, twice I made the same mistake wondering why it keeps happening, now I know, too much too early
I wrote it down, these are very important lessons, it's not an entertainment channel, it's an educational channel, God Bless U, we need U, thank you so much, it can avoid hurt and unnecessary drama 🙏
Uncle Tony always sharing his truths
these are all excellent points, and can prevent a lot of narcissistic love bombing….
Thank you Mr Gaskins
I’m wit you when you’re right Tony! 💪🏽
Thank you sir for this powerful topic. Actually I find myself talking about every single thing you have mentioned in this video with my exs and Ofcourse I repeated them in my current relationship. I think this is what gave my boyfriend the gut to talk to my mother rudely the day she told him he’s never going to marry me. Each time I remember the things he said to my mom, I’ll cry silently because he knows everything about my family! I know we will never get married because my mom has objected. He doesn’t like my mom because she doesn’t see him as a good partner. There are lots of red flags she had seen…
I have learned my lessons the hard way. Thank God I came across this video today.
So glad I'm watching and learning this now.
Thank you, I needed to hear that message this morning. I am a creature of habit and willing to listen, and learn what not to do when I do decide to date when I'm ready. 💯💪📖🙏💜
I got to say this in my Jamaican dialect yow me can’t get fi watch the entire video every time you sa something I affi stop in astonishment and soak it in before going coming back to watch. Im 4:33 into it an I stopped 3 stones Omg yow is some public speaking thing I was watching and saw the topic and was like I know how to char already but mek me see if I’m telling what I shouldn’t have. You having me sitting and looking back in time at my past and current relationships I must send this to my daughter and every female I know because I’m not even half way in the video yet and I’m blown away. My life will never be the same after the next 15 minutes wow . I thank you for taking the time to know what you do and then sharing it blessings to you. Going forward I will always remember you and speak about you. It’s funny how people can change people lives without knowing. I cnt help it but tears are in my eyes right now and I never plan to cry. I’ve been through so much but I am so strong and as I tell my sad story I never heard or seen from a place of my strength no more only from my traumas. It goes beyond relationships with partners but also with people. Of all the videos I’ve watched and trust me they many motivational once but I never need confidence or encouragements this is what I needed because this is the area where I keep falling and failing. Again thank you. Wow I’m still crying so early and unprovoked lol thank you and a million blessings to you for your time and knowledge you may never know how impactful this has been I pray God bless you
I wish I had known this too I did all & eventually got ghosted ... & I really liked him I really fell in LOVE.. I was new to dating & was married for 20yrs... I didn't know but now I do.... Damn
I wish I had this info 20 years ago.🤦🏾♀️
1:18- 1. Don't talk about trauma in front of a guy. Done.
3:38- 2. No discussions of body counts. Got it, even though no man has ever been inside me. I still understand why.
7:11- 3. Don't have expectations. Noted.
8:37- 4. No talk of exes. I don't really have any, but I agree.
14:32- 5. Keep family confidential. Understood.
Encouraging secrecy to avoid accountability...got it!👍🏾 😂
OMG 🎉 Where have you been ? 😅 I truly appreciate your commentary & you just saved me from making a big mistake again!
I am definitely taking your advise & applying to how i interact with men moving forward 🙏🏾💘
This was good, Tony.
😂😂 Honestly, when I say I don't wanna answer and they force it, I just lie. So yeah.
I agree. It’s not called “not being authentic” or “transparent”. The man you are dealing with doesn’t need to know every single detail of everything that has happened in your experiences. Best believe, even if he is a good man, there will be things about him that he won’t disclose. We as women have to stop showing our entire hand to a man right off the bat. A lady can keep some things to herself 🤗
I think you have no choice but to share all this to an extent for the relationship to work. It’s the timing that matters. Once trust is developed and you’re on that level, these things can come out naturally.
Your very good man ,from everything your speaking on is golden women will be successful if they use your wisdom and desernment.
I wish I had you as a big brother when I was growing up, thank you
Babyyy the way I want to run around this office lol felt every word and it’s true!
I have so many mixed feelings about this info. On the one hand, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE. As I found ALL of these things to be true when the dust settled from my last relationship. 🤦🏾♀️
BUT!!! There is something to be said about the man who does these things. Because while Tony is giving us advice on how the average man thinks/acts, why is emotional immaturity or the lack of emotional intelligence (or being “average”) something to be coached through? This kind of coaching feels akin to grooming for navigating the lack of emotional intelligence…and that it’s OKAY! 🙄😱
I live my life with introspection, go to therapy (and actually have a male therapist for the reasons Tony mentioned), and am committed to continuing my growth and development independent of my intimate partner. But the fact that emotional intelligence and capacity to hold space for a partner is deemed SO RARE (1:10 or 1:100, per Tony’s guesstimate) that we need to be coached to expect most men NOT to have it…is a pitiful state of affairs.
And hear me: IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE REALITY, BUT THAT’S A PITIFUL REALITY. So where are the coaches for the MEN?????
So much to unpack here…
Heavy on everything after the "BUT". This is not OK.
YUP! HE WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU…. Facts😊
Excellent advice I’m saving this video thank you 😊
I'm in my 40s, and I agree 💯 with everything he said !
'The person who speaks less has the most power'
Thank you for giving great advice and helpful information. On how to conduct ourselves in dating a man. A lot of us didn’t get it from our male family members. Thank you 🙏🏽
I agree... learnt from multiple experiences.
Don't tell all, surface level discussions alone. Don't hide important things either but don't say too much.. just gv highlights simple
Yeah, learned the hard way after 21 years of marriage no matter what never let the left hand know what the right hand is doing or has done!
I wished I would have viewed this prior to now. I’ve been guilty of over sharing and trusting which hasn’t served me well.
I'm naturally a private person so I've always not shared a lot of information up front. Then I get judged as aloof or I have a lot layers to pull back. I don't want to come across as closed off but it takes a lot for me to share my business😊. I want to get to kbow soneone through actions, interactions and conversation.
Thanks for this. It has saved my next 100 years. I know what I mean. God bless you greatly.
Thank you for sharing with us how to protect ourselves from a heartbreak! Salute yung king!!🎉
About 3 years ago, I was asked how many guys I'd been intimate with. I asked, "So you'll be ready to tell me how many women you've bern with???" He dropped the question and never asked about it again in these 3 years.
Why would a man be thinking that he can put his hands on you? Only a man who does that will do that no matter what.
Amen! Have 2 failed long relationships. Both men used my trauma and past against me and literally did me the same way
@ALYSSAAMBERE5429 so true -- this is one of Tony's best videos. Best wishes to you honey, love and hugs from a Grandma in Texas
At this point just be quiet & let them speak. You decide if he’s on the same page as you. If not bow out gracefully.
I would rather be judged and have my truth thrown in my face, than to keeps my past from my future. If you can't understand what I've been through, or won't take the time to understand the depths of the situation, then we probably aren't for one another.
I don't believe in utilizing a man as a therapist. But if I have already healed, I don't see an issue with sharing what i have been through.
The bigger issue is... if I choose to keep secrets until after marriage, I should expect him to do the same. What i share after marriage may not be enough for him to leave me. But I can't promise that what he shares won't be enough for me to divorce him. With that said, I would rather have anything important laid out before any long term commitment.
Never tell a man about your financial situation...he will use that against you too.
This is brilliant. My thoughts exactly. I am a woman.
Thank you Tony. I feel like you have helped me become what and who I should have been from the begining.
OMG!!! This is exactly how women have the same pattern of relationships 'cause these jokers are listening and repeating the pattern of your ex.... my goodness!!! It is our mouth
Wow this was some very good points i know im guilty of lot things i use to do in the past but I'm not dating now haven't been in but if God decides brings someone into my life i definitely will remember these important points God bless you and your family
Number 6, donot have a baby unless youre married! Judges donot recognize " baby mama!
I was married for 20 years… then single & dating making ALL of these mistakes,for years… before FINALLY getting therapy! If you have pain & TRAUMA please get professional help. LIVE & LEARN‼️ Do the “work for yourself” then, and only then:are you ready to be in a HEALTHY relationship.
1) Never tell a man about your trauma, go to a Therapist and/or coach.
2) Never tell a man how many men you've slept with.
3) Never tell a man your complete vision of what you want in a man.
4) Never tell a man about your last relationship
5) Never tell a man too much of your family business
thanks
So basically.. tell them nothing 😂
Thanks.
@@ines-simpson Exactly. They want superficial conversations, which is why their relationships fail. They can't have hard convos. I peeped this about males a long time ago. They want the benefits of a relationship with the input of stranger saying "Hi" to you in passing 😂
So very true!! They will definitely use these things against you in an argument or judge u. I'm 61 years old. I've finally learned this.
"Do not turn your lover into your therapist." "Go get a therapist."
That is so true.👏🏼
Can someone clarify? What if you are in a committed relationship with someone, are you not supposed to talk about your past? How do you then really learn about each other and learn what makes someone character the way that it is?
I take it as, share the lessons you have learned over you life, but do not look to your partner to analyze and interpret and heal from your life traumas. @@tiatarezo9309
@@tiatarezo9309 exactly why are you with a person u can’t talk about those type of things with if they care they should be willing to listen
@@DegreeUprisingPS3DoubtSociety I understand that when you first meet someone obviously don’t offload all of your trauma, but eventually, when you start dating, that person is going to wonder things like “what did he go through to make him so guarded?” “What did she go through to make her react like that” you know? Because a lot of the time we react on a subconscious level.
Our experiences build our characters and the different nuances we have. So I think it’s okay and can be healing to share.. it’s all about timing
Also your friends too.
Let a man show you who he is instead of telling him who you want him to be...💯I love it!!!
Facts that’s why I say I want you to be yourself I won’t tell them what I’m looking 👀 for in a man
Yessss very important
Exactly!
Yes I have been this way for years since my early 20s. I always say just be yourself and if I like you I’ll stick around. lol
@@brittthecancerqueenempress9137 this is the BEST answer. Every time I am asked this question I’m torn on what to say. THANK YOU
Tonys 5 thing:
1. Past trauma
2. Body count
3. What you want in your partner
4. Conditions under which previous relationships ended (see #1)
5. Family business
My one addition (imo)
6. Finances, career goals
🤞🏻
Edit at 1.2k likes: ma look, I’m famous.
Finance should be NUMBER ONE. Weeds out the Money-grab. You'll look attractive to a broke-ass-man!
Like your addition 👏👏
Realized men can be envious/jealous of their partner. My recent ex would mock that I made less money than him. He’d also sabotage my growth or make sny comments about it. It also felt he was constantly in competition with me.
@missybelle4644 I'm sorry you went through that. Just be you, it's the best revenge. Blessings 🙌 from Australia.
Don't these men have any SHAME!!!
Family and friends businesses
Damn that's deep! "Let a man show who he is, instead of telling him who you want him to be." PERIOD 💯💯💯
Ladies he just gave you a $100,000 worth of information for free! This is the truth! Older woman here, if I may piggyback and add-- apply the same guidelines for women friends as well. If she is a friend that you made after adulthood, keep the same principles. Unless you grew up with her and she already knows your history don't tell her everything either.
I had to learn.....some men will use your vulnerabilities against you....😮
Facts!
Correct 👏🏽
So very true
Oh, I have found that 99% of them will if you let them.
I had an ex that laughed when I told him some of the trauma I went through. He laughed. I knew then, never tell a man your worries.
As a 61yr old woman. I am single and childless, by choice and I learned that we tell too much too early. I like having good conversation, but some men don't like talking and don't want you asking them questions because they are gathering information on how to trick or treat you in the future. The information pops when a disagreement or argument occurs. As you know men and women can put on Oscar winning performances until the mask falls off. In my opinion many men don't believe in seeing a therapist.
Replying to 5 this you don't tell: women in my family always said you never tell a man everything and I have lived by that. That includes money, relationships, family, trauma. My husband never knew how much money I made.😂
Thank you so much for the comment
Side question. Do you wish you had grand kids at this age? I always wondered what it would be like once we get older without kids/grandkids.
@@honeyisnatural5 never thought about it
@@amalyah46 you just sounded proud and confident. Super Curious at “grandparent age” are you still happy with life, without any grand kids. I never liked the idea of having kids but I dream about being a grandma. That always excited me thinking about it.
Discretion is critical. Learn to listen, observe body language, and be selective about what you share on dates. Take your time to get to know someone. Avoid over sharing!
Amen
It’s hard
And pay apt attention to their actions/reactions and treatments to you -how it makes it feel. Are they all in sync? If they are - for good or for bad?
Amen.
I was conversing with a guy who jumped in my DM. We eventually exchanged numbers and of course he asked when was my last relationship, I told him it had been five years. Long story short two weeks in we had a disagreement, he told me that’s why I’ve been single for so long because I don’t know how to treat a man and another five is going to go by and I’m still going to be single 🤣🤣.
He was mad because he said I suppose to text and call him every day, I told him dude you never give me a chance to text you first because you’re always texting me at 5am and when I told him we should talk on the phone he said he don’t have time for phone conversations. I told him I’m no longer interested and he can cancel our date because he’s showing signs of a diva and a psycho 🙄.
Sound like he got somebody else if all he wants to do is text and the nerve of him to try and manipulate the situation in his favor like sir if you want to be treated like a young lady just say that 🤦🏽♀️
Yikes
@@JaySmith. he was definitely acting like a woman. It was so many red flags, it was too much to type.
That was really mean of him considering he wouldn't have even known how long you've been single if you hadn't told him! And men who think women being single for long periods is a negative thing are most likely watching TH-cam videos telling them that! Lol
@@joiagenae 😂
“Let a man show you who he is instead of telling him who you want him to be” THIS!!!!!