I’m going to make a point of commenting on each one of your videos, even if I have nothing relevant to say other than, yet again, “this is amazing” because it helps in TH-cam land, and so is the least anyone can do. This information, presented so clearly and accessibly, is priceless. I’m feeling blessed to have found your channel. Thanks so much for all of your work, your compassion, dedication, and your incredible communication skills. This channel has it all. 🙌
I feel like I'm avoidant of romantic relationships in general because I have anxiety when I'm in them, always waiting for them to discover how flawed I am and leave. I also judge them for being with me, like what's wrong with them that they are with me.... Can't get past that feeling.
I've had romantic relationships but I wouldn't let myself get too attached, and I think that may have brought about the end, ironically. I always thought of reasons it wouldn't last and couldn't get them out of my head. Since my divorce I've had one romantic relationship and he cheated, so now I only get involved with men I know will not be committed to me.
I've never been in a romantic relationship and I'm 34. I just tell myself that I'm so flawed that anyone would run for the hills as soon as they see that. And also hearing my father's voice that no one is good enough and I'm not good enough.
@@masonofcamelot7777 but you are trying! This is awesome (I, for example, have given up and just isolate myself). So, it's amazing that you have not given up! Keep going 👍 💪🙏🏼
“You have to love yourself” - OMG. I have said the same thing so many times about how cliché it has become and honestly rather harmful too - because learning to love yourself, truthfully requires some deep healing and that work can break you down before it sets you free. I’m so incredibly grateful to you and for you, Patrick. 🌸🦋
I completely agree!! It makes it seem like: “it’s so easy…just love yourself!” But the reality is: not only do we have to UNlearn the negative dialogue patterns but we also have to RElearn a totally new way! Learning is challenging enough but on top of that we also must learn the skill of becoming aware of these patterns that are so familiar that they blend it seamlessly…so it can feel like a Where’s Waldo book when trying to identify what’s happening in our inner world. Love this channel and the compassionate wisdom and information offered here. Thank you so much! ❤
When people I work with say “you’ve got to love yourself first “, that means you need to get your nails done first or else you’ll just be taking care of everyone else all day. Yea, real healthy
I have to say. I have learnt more with watching your videos than I have from my counselling, c.b.t and p.t.s.d sessions on underwent i feel the way I feel and that I'm not over sensitive, over emotional . Thank you.
I'm 40 years old, divorced and have just very recently through your videos been able to identify the root cause of my present struggles with my relationships and work. Through your videos I found the clarity to be able to set firm boundaries with my toxic parents and cut off communication with them. I moved out into my own home, and I can focus on being fully present and being a loving parent to my small child without living in a heightened state of vigilance/triggeredness with my parents around. Everyday I feel more empowered and enjoy the space and freedom I have to work on my healing. For the first time in my life I will not be seeing them this holiday, which is something I should have done years and years ago. Thank you for these videos Patrick
This was really helpful, thank you! As a child, I looked up to a dismissive avoidant personality as this impenetrable fortress of calm. As a young adult, I was ashamed that I wasn’t as “relaxed” as this individual. Later, I began to internally question whether this was truly a serene individual or a checked out person. Dismissive Avoidant is the perfect description of them.
I found that the battery in my car is dead this morning. I don't have any way to jump start it without help from my neighbors, whom I don't even know due to my self isolation. I got angry AF, but sitting here and watching your inner child vids has made me realize I'm reacting and not being adult about it. I'm no longer angry, and I think I can now find a solution: I can ask a neighbor if they have jumper cables. Thanks, Patrick!
Wow, I have watched many videos pertaining to attachment theory/styles, and again, your video far and away surpassed the others in scope, conceptual/communicative clarity, and visual clarity. I really appreciated your use of the 4 quadrant infographic to elucidate a more complex construct. Your succinct explanation of each attachment style, along with their corresponding info. (without wandering off into "the weeds"), really gives the viewer a strong foundation from which to begin a journey of understanding and, possibly, implementing this information into their own path toward health and recovery. I continue to be so grateful for your channel, for your approach to your channel, and I am going to ask my own therapist (not a trauma therapist, but still awesome) to watch this video so that we may begin delving into this type of awareness and a hopeful movement forward. Thank you, your explanations are incredible!
Very much agreed! Thank you for being so clear and for the graphics. I’ve seen a lot of videos on attachment styles, and I always suspected I was DA, but this crystallized for me.
Thank you; because of your videos, I start to recover from the anxiety of c-PTSD. I have practiced dialoguing with inner child during an anxiety attack and it was great; we calmed down. Feeling much better now. I hope you know you're doing important work in the world.
I'm more of a fearful-avoidant attachment style and I can see the chaos in my relationships, some of which I create... definitely inwardly. I have avoided relationships especially close ones for quite some time. I have a fear of hurting people so I want to give them distance. I realize I feel more anxiety in some situations rather than others. I'm trying to engage in relationships that I naturally feel calmer in as I heal.
Ha ha ha! Little Jill has the same taste in toys as does Little Patrick! I have that same bear and it comes with a story about big Jill and little Jill working together. ❤ Here’s the story: Little Jill was very unhappy one day and she was trying to throw a tantrum and stood in the way of things I needed to accomplish that day. I got it that she was screaming for attention so we sat down and had a heart-to-heart. “I never have any fun!” she cried. “I don’t even have any toys that I like!” 🤬 Big Jill listened attentively and sympathetically. Big Jill knew that little Jill was right. (I tend to be very goal oriented and I can even identify as a workaholic if I’m not careful… no fun for a child…my child.) So big Jill asked what we could do right now to feel better and have a little fun. “I want a present, a new toy!” So we headed off to Amazon. We already have several stuffed animals but that’s okay. Little Jill used to experience peace and even a kind of gentle friendship with the stuffed animals she had growing up in a violent alcoholic home. The “animals” took the edge off the intense loneliness and fear of living in that situation. Anyway… We were both drawn to the bear shown here beside Patric BUT it came in 2 different colors and little Jill preferred the grey version and big Jill preferred the brown version as shown here. Truth be known, big Jill wanted the brown bear merely because it fits into the decorative color scheme of my home… “Sheesh,” I thought, “am I going to override what little Jill prefers for such a m shallow reason? And by the way, THIS TOY IS FOR LITTLE JILL, NOT DECORATOR BIG JILL!” We got the grey version of the bear that little Jill wanted and she was thrilled!!! “What will you name him?” I asked. “Gravy! Because he’s grey!” For the next two weeks Gravy was our constant companion but I admit that I snuck back to Amazon and got the brown version of the bear too 😊. His name is Brownie and he sits beside me at my computer… Now I ask you…WHO IS THE REAL CHILD HERE??!! 😄❤️
16:58 I can relate so much to your statement about trying to self-regulate through upset and conflict. I am normally conflict avoidant, but when I am really triggered or fearful, it almost feels like I can’t move through those emotions without a difficult, indirect, frustrating conversation with my partner. He tries to understand and reach me, but I am unreachable until I have pushed and pulled and gone through this really exhausting cycle during the conversation. I finally come around and return to that part of myself that is kind and open to connecting, but the journey to get there, especially when I am really depleted and triggered, is so hard on my partner and me. I have gotten better at not engaging in this pattern, but it is still a work in progress. I love your videos and appreciate all you do. Thank you.
Thank you as always for what you’re doing, Patrick. *I look forward to you being seen by millions.* Dismissive-avoidant here, it’s come on me over the years but I am in therapy and a breakdown forced me to crack open and realise that a healthy partner makes life better, and suppressing emotion is NOT strength! Vulnerability is also so linked to creativity. 🌸
The attachment style I learned growing up was dismissive-avoidant. After I started therapy, the safety and trust part was really hard. Then I became fearful-avoidant in relationship to my therapist. I was using one hand to motion her nearer, while holding my other hand out to stop her from coming closer. Emotional intimacy was really scary for many years. And I didn't know that I was projecting my childhood experience and trauma and criticism from my parents onto my therapist. A good and safe therapist makes a big difference, even if it's difficult to see progress at times, because of the years of work it takes.
Well, I met a guy who got me hanging on for months for no reason at all and wasn't an avoidant guy....he was dirt. Just to get "his medals"but without any physical interaction. I think he just wanted to brag about what it never happened among us. Just wanted me to triangulate other women. IIsn't childish and pathetic? How I could have a good memory of meeting someone who never existed? But I believe in keep on creating new good memories and leaving behind what won't ever work. Best wishes.
Good one 👍 I could see myself being like some of those avoiding styles. - feel like have grown and matured. - my mom didn't teach me anything about self-love or listening to my own feelings. Just listening to what she wanted in life or in situations
It's really refreshing seeing you challenge and break down a lot of the platitudes and cliches people often repeat in recovery culture. It really helps get to the root of the problem for each individual, rather than adopting the "one size fits all" mentality that people often chase when addressing trauma.
I'm fearful avoidant The three suggested reparenting steps are super helpful. I disengage to avoid acting out, but I never had a step 2 after disengaging. Focusing on my emotional sobriety will be a new goal of mine.
Every video I watch gives me another new insight into my whole life, a new angle that makes me go 'oh, crap. THAT's what that was.' Thank you for all this knowledge.
I've read about inner child work and attachment style before, but I haven't seen them discussed together. That's really powerful, the idea that you can potentially improve your attachment style by re-parenting your inner child and developing a secure relationship with them. Fearful-avoidant here, so the idea that there is actually a way forward out of my current/past views on relationships and intimacy is really helpful
I am anxious preoccupied as well as codependent, and my partner is dismissive avoidant as well as narcissistic. We have been in a cycle of trauma bonded crazy making for the last 6 months. Broken up countless times. And been cheated on at least twice that I know. I don’t know how to leave until I fix my childhood trauma of being abandoned. My father was an alcoholic having to go to rehab multiple times in my childhood, and my mother was aggressively codependent. I am 23. They are divorced but nothing has been fixed. Now I go between living with my toxic abusive boyfriend, to living with an alcoholic dad who is depressed because my mom left him. I feel soo hopeless.
In recovery since 1984, I'm finding so many helpful suggestions and examples in your videos, which is really exciting. Time for a deeper dive into the steps. None of my nuclear family followed me into recovery, sadly, all dead and gone without really ever truly/fully enjoying the gifts of life, family and friends. My heart breaks looking around at the broader culture, especially those living on big city streets.... I cannot help but recognize severe childhood trauma has debilitated at least two generations of Americans, the Latchkeys and Millennials seem to be in deep despair. Lord have mercy.
I’ve never seen attachment theory explained like this where it’s in relationship to your own inner child. I’ve only seen it explained as it relates to the other person in a relationship. This is really helpful. Thank you
I'm thinking I've become slightly more dismissive avoidant rather than anxious preoccupied as I have been. Dunno if it's that fluid but now I'm terrified to step into any relationship; I don't want another heartbreak, my tiny heart can't take another hit. I've been through enough and I just want whatever next relationship I can trust to be my last. I'm tired of messing around and messing up...
Fearful avoidant, leaning more toward anxious preoccupied. A lot of up and down in my household as a child. I lot of contradicting messages and unpredictability.
Learning about attachment styles is very helpful. I love that you explain it through the lens of the inner child. Patrick, you do such a great job of teaching these concepts in a way that is easy to understand and so helpful in the context of childhood trauma work. And I didn’t see the cowlick until you mentioned it! 😂
Dude, I just realized my college ex was both a runner and a chaser, and I was too. That explains how hurt we would be, taking turns into offering love and running from it. I would say something meaningful to him, he would run. He would surprise me after my classes with roses, I would run. I was always fearful he didn't loved me, and he might been fearful too.
I've just started dating again after eight years. Boom old wounds I thought I had healed reopened.. This video gives step by step practices that make sense and I feel very motivated to rewatch with pen and paper and journal mybthoughts.my thoughts. This offering is priceless.. I have forwarded it to my life coach..Thank you, Thank you.
I'm so glad that I was able to find this resource. I found out that I had the fearful-avoidant attachment style a while back last year through therapy and ever since then, I've been trying to figure out how I could become more secure but never seemed to find resources that actually told you what to do. Thank you for this!
You are giving me everything i need in an explanation for my brain. A visual when necessary event a diagram!!, clear speech, pace, a meditation prayer I can screenshot. Y’all its perfect and its in the detail. 👏
I always found it so devastating when people would say things like "you have to love yourself before someone else can love you." It didn't do anything to promote self love it just further reinforced my sense of hopelessness and belief that I was unlovable. Not only was it unhelpful, it was also untrue. Being in a loving relationship with my securely attached partner helped me with my anxious-preoccupied attatchment style and was a huge part of me fostering self love. Edit: adding to clarify that being loved by this healthy person wasn't the "fix" for my problems, it was one part of the recovery process over years alongside a ton of self-work and therapy. But I definitely did not love myself before I was able to be loved.
These Inner Child series is the best thing I’ve watched on youtube (and I watch a lot of youtube). Please continue making them, they help a ton! Much more than videos where such things are just theoretically explained. Thank you 😃
I would say I spent quite a lot of my life in the dismissive avoidant type. It was the strangest thing, I wouldn’t give myself any leeway when discussing with my friend’s parents what my mental state was. I would critically analyze my coping mechanisms when discussing with them, but otherwise I was very avoiding of even friendly interactions let alone intimate or romantic interactions. After the emersion therapy of being part of another family for 3 years, I shed a lot of my worst traits and started to understand and acknowledge my inherent strengths for the first time. Your videos contain lots of wisdom, I enjoy the amount of information they contain to help out people whom can’t afford professional care, but point towards finding someone comfortable who is capable of having healthy dialogue.
I definitely agree that we all have aspects of the three attachment styles but to look for more of the patterns that show up in our lives. This can help us understand ourselves better in our relationships
Your videos are amazing. I’ve never felt so connected to words as I do to the way you say and explain things. This is making a real difference to my life
Thank you for this video series. I am absolutely amazed at your ability to explain complicated things so clearly and concisely. I am finding your channel so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all the hard work that must go into making these vidoes. I found you very recently and have been trying not to binge watch everything because it is all so deep and helpful and I need to take my time in processing things,. I have started journaling and that has helped to clear my head and calm some of my emotions that were all over the place. I had a triggering event happen last summer and spent the rest of the year in a downward spiral. I had blocked so many things that happened in childhood and a lot of them came rushing back at me all at once and I just didn't know what to do or how to handle myself. I am so grateful that I found your channel and I just wanted to let you know how much you have helped me. Thank you.
first 🙈🙈 but actually, thank you for your videos. it has helped me a lot, and am grateful to educate myself about this at a young age, or before i have kids.
I'm definitely fearful avoidant. And no, it's not ridiculous or a paradox. It's a defense mechanism (they all are). Thanks for all that you do, Patrick. I've been learning and growing a lot from you.
Love yr... clarity/ practicality:/many hurting souls and few willing to help give them directives. Many charlatans out for a buck. There is so much we can all do & lots of Money anyway to be made.. but feel good that you have helped society. God bless you sir! Thank you! Thank you!
I get most of it except I'm 30-30-30 avoidant, anxious and preoccupied so i dont think avoidant is low anxiety. Cuz when youre unable to avoid something your anxiety is gonna be even higher cuz youre unable to face it normally.
I'm addicted to these videos and appreciate you putting them out. I never realized how watching a child I cared about being abused as a child has affected EVERYTHING I say and how I react. Thank you!
It's hard to not project abandonment onto others when you're still trapped in the "family" unit, still being dismissed, invalidated, and threatened with homelessness for expressing anything the "family" unit doesn't like. The constant re-triggering and "confirmation" that that's how it is is incredibly difficult to fight while it's still ongoing. But I can't see myself being healthy enough to escape financially until after healing more, as my spotty job history (thanks to getting triggered and melting down every single time) will attest to. They want us to stay trapped.
Thank you. I have been reading the book and following along and doing the work along with talk therapy, and have been finding more and more peace with myself. As an Anxious Preoccupied has been me with my husband for 28 years. As I work on my childhood trauma towards a secure me. Thank you!!
I'm so grateful to you for the work that you do. Not everyone can afford therapy, or can find a good one, yet so many people depend on us to be well in life, work, family, friends, pets, and ourselves. 💕thank you so much!
This inner child series of videos is incredibly ground breaking. Finally, I understand very specifically what I need to target in order to change. I started watching the video thinking I was one attachment style, & by the end of the video I realized that I’m mostly a different one. Thank you for all that you are doing to teach & guide those of us who have been wanting to change and heal for many years but just didn’t know where to begin (in spite of trying other methods), until now! “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free”-John 8:32. Also, thank you for the peaceful mantra and the peaceful music that you include on each video. It’s very comforting & uplifting.
Massively dismissive avoidant, but also really invested in being this way! Relationships have never worked out, so now I've got my own home I love, solitary hobbies, a wry and reserved sense of humour, do my own DIY, fix my own car, don't need anyone! I like being like this! I don't like it when you tell me it's unhealthy!!
@@chrisw9122 I wasn't suggesting that he had aimed the comment directly at me. What I was saying was that I find avoidance healthier than the alternative (being in touch with people who cross boundaries, as I have little defence against that), and rightly or wrongly find it distressing to hear that avoidance is an unhealthy tactic, as it's the only tool I have.... "I don't like when you say that" doesn't always mean "You shouldn't have said that." I wasn't trying to silence Patrick.
This video was helpful. The prayer at the end sounds like spiritual bypass. I'd like to add, "May you find the courage to be with your difficulty feelings."
Thank you for sharing your expertise in this video. I have adult diagnosed ADHD and the behaviors around this caused a lot of my juvenile trauma. Now I am trying to convince my inner child to trust my ADHD adult to do a better job of protection. It is not easy, but I see a path forward thanks to your video. How many other adult diagnosed ADHD folks have childhood trauma around trying to meet school and work deadlines with un-diagnosed ADHD?
I am taking up @Aisling O'Brien's challenge of simply leaving a statement. Patrick, you clearly care deeply about helping people to find hope in the face of often, deep wounding.
i just started journaling to my inner child thanks to your suggestions, patrick. i have to say it’s been pretty wild fragmenting myself, but it really is helping-now my inner child is no longer a latchkey kid😂
I'm dismissive avoidant and to be honest it works well in my life as I'm having acts of omission and extreme isolation likely continuing for the rest of my life. My mother gave me permanent brain damage (not just the foetal alcohol syndrome but she beat me hard enough to give me more brain damage) and it causes me to be high risk around human contact. I get around 1 hour face to face human contact a week. It's the safest thing (my frontal lobes are affected along with my cerebellum and global white matter atrophy) and I find my attachment style very fitting for my life to be honest. My life won't change, the NHS isn't going to suddenly lift the multiple bans and restrictions I have on access. Social services won't suddenly offer me something that doesn't stress me out enough that I get arrested. I see no benefit in a secure attachment. I need to be detached and avoidant and low in emotional depth, all of which I am. I'm very shallow and that helps a lot even though it ironically is from my brain damage lol. Idk maybe someone might have something to say about this that might be useful lol I'm kind of fucked. I'm at least finally away from secure units with all my extreme isolation I'm finally allowed to have because all services gave up on me. I'm in the UK and that happens more in the current political situation. I don't know what one means by buying into their emotions, I don't know of depth and feeling intensely. I can have rage and happiness etc but it's very raw and simple even if loud and the former can involve the police at times. Brain damage is a weird confounding factor. I find these videos really interesting but I don't relate a huge deal. My brain damage really changes things.
Just realized I’m a fearful avoidant being in therapy for a few months now has been tough but I realize ever since i instated boundaries things are painful but better ❤
Thank you. I was exploring this a few hours ago and needed clarification of my attachment style. Your video just came to me and you helped me understand which is mine. I love your ending prayer, ditto to you. These are so helpful Patrick. Thank you very much.🙏🏻😊
I love your content! Can you make a video about recognizing childhood trauma in tricky families? I feel like I have a lot of the same issues that result from childhood trauma but I can't exactly identify why? Thank you again for this great channel!
This is the best explanation of attachment styles I have ever seen. I have read specialized literature on the subject but it was never as clear as your explanation. I particularly liked the way you described how a person would react in a relationship based on their attachment style. Spot on! Thank you so much!
Thank you Patrick for your videos, please keep posting them, it’s a great resource for survivors. I think I’ve alternated between anxious preoccupied, dismissive and fearful avoidant throughout the years. 😞 going thru the therapy work of reparenting myself. Keep up the good work for this channel, it really saves lives.
I've read "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love" and unfortunately there was nothing about fearful-avoidant style, I mean it's only mentioned. I have BPD, but more like this quiet/internalyzed one. I was thinking that I have dismissive avoidant style, because 5/7 relationships I had was in this vibe (also 6/7 I ended). In the longest one (which I didn't finished) I was anxious one. Ane there was one relationship where I was kinda fearful-avoidant. Now I think it's really possible that I have fearful-avoidant style. Negative self-talk was present in all of the relationships. In my diary I've read sentence "he's already disappointed in me, he knows the truth" written before I started ignoring his texts and broke up later (it was before therapy, I don't behave like that anymore). I just want to believe I can be self-sufficient so it's hard for me to recognize that I'm actually scared.
Wonderful breakdown Patrick Teahan! Even at 40 years old, I had a needy freakout when the person told me they didn't want to meet the day after we had a beautiful night together, so hard to understand what's going, all reason goes out the window when my abandoned inner chid comes out to play screaming that they don't want you..
the "motto" of my negative self-talk has always been "i only feel like myself when i'm miserable" i recently found out that i'm a fearful avoidant and it all started making sense
I have been watching these videos with my husband. We have been together for 10 years and we have done so many things to hurt the other. These videos were the last resort. We resonate with all your videos so much. I have a low avoidant with high anxiety and my husband is high avoidance low anxiety. Just hearing these words made us realized we have been doing those examples for years. Your an amazing soul doing God's work!
I have never subscribed to any content producer on youtube but your work is compelling and accurate and most importantly, very well explained. You break down deep emotional blockages into digestible information and your explanations and info graphics are clear and simple. I have read Homecoming by Bradshaw over several years (if inner child work makes you weep and overwhelmed then the author says not to push yourself) but the way you explain it is crystal clear. You are a fantastic therapist, a wonderful communicator and the work that you are doing here will not be in vain. Your goal of helping people on a larger scale is being achieved because this is the kind of work that people can do on their own without expensive therapists but just need some guidance. You are providing that guidance. The faceless people in pain all thank you (and their inner children are shouting their support!)
I’m going to make a point of commenting on each one of your videos, even if I have nothing relevant to say other than, yet again, “this is amazing” because it helps in TH-cam land, and so is the least anyone can do. This information, presented so clearly and accessibly, is priceless. I’m feeling blessed to have found your channel. Thanks so much for all of your work, your compassion, dedication, and your incredible communication skills. This channel has it all. 🙌
I agree! Will try to do the same!
I second that :)
🤗👋❤
Absolutely! Patrick is making this information accessible to so many people who otherwise would never learn about all of this. He's a lifesaver.
Same 🧡💛💚💙💜❤️
I feel like I'm avoidant of romantic relationships in general because I have anxiety when I'm in them, always waiting for them to discover how flawed I am and leave. I also judge them for being with me, like what's wrong with them that they are with me.... Can't get past that feeling.
Ditto! I’ve never actually had a romantic relationship, which I guess is a clear sign of being DA, heh..
I've had romantic relationships but I wouldn't let myself get too attached, and I think that may have brought about the end, ironically. I always thought of reasons it wouldn't last and couldn't get them out of my head. Since my divorce I've had one romantic relationship and he cheated, so now I only get involved with men I know will not be committed to me.
Geez… this hits me right in the gut. Me too. 😖
I've never been in a romantic relationship and I'm 34. I just tell myself that I'm so flawed that anyone would run for the hills as soon as they see that. And also hearing my father's voice that no one is good enough and I'm not good enough.
@@charlie5115 same!
Im securely attached now and it's really nice. It took a fair bit of cleaning up to get here though, a lot of mistakes
congrats! I'm so happy for you, hopefully we can all get there someday :)
I'm trying to climb this mountain rn and it feels like taking on Mt. Everest without oxygen.
@@masonofcamelot7777 but you are trying! This is awesome (I, for example, have given up and just isolate myself). So, it's amazing that you have not given up! Keep going 👍 💪🙏🏼
what helped the most to get there?
@@ksactress see personal development school thais Gibson to heal attachment
“You have to love yourself” - OMG. I have said the same thing so many times about how cliché it has become and honestly rather harmful too - because learning to love yourself, truthfully requires some deep healing and that work can break you down before it sets you free.
I’m so incredibly grateful to you and for you, Patrick. 🌸🦋
I completely agree!! It makes it seem like: “it’s so easy…just love yourself!” But the reality is: not only do we have to UNlearn the negative dialogue patterns but we also have to RElearn a totally new way! Learning is challenging enough but on top of that we also must learn the skill of becoming aware of these patterns that are so familiar that they blend it seamlessly…so it can feel like a Where’s Waldo book when trying to identify what’s happening in our inner world. Love this channel and the compassionate wisdom and information offered here. Thank you so much! ❤
@@Seeker0fTruth Well put! Where is Waldo comparison is golden 💖
When people I work with say “you’ve got to love yourself first “, that means you need to get your nails done first or else you’ll just be taking care of everyone else all day. Yea, real healthy
I have to say. I have learnt more with watching your videos than I have from my counselling, c.b.t and p.t.s.d sessions on underwent i feel the way I feel and that I'm not over sensitive, over emotional . Thank you.
I'm 40 years old, divorced and have just very recently through your videos been able to identify the root cause of my present struggles with my relationships and work. Through your videos I found the clarity to be able to set firm boundaries with my toxic parents and cut off communication with them. I moved out into my own home, and I can focus on being fully present and being a loving parent to my small child without living in a heightened state of vigilance/triggeredness with my parents around. Everyday I feel more empowered and enjoy the space and freedom I have to work on my healing. For the first time in my life I will not be seeing them this holiday, which is something I should have done years and years ago. Thank you for these videos Patrick
It’s a tough but necessary strategy. I have done the same. I wish you love & light, you are doing the best for yourself and child - you got this x
... hoping life is still moving in a positive direction for u.....
its one year later now..... and christmas coming up .. again... from Australia.. x
This was really helpful, thank you!
As a child, I looked up to a dismissive avoidant personality as this impenetrable fortress of calm. As a young adult, I was ashamed that I wasn’t as “relaxed” as this individual. Later, I began to internally question whether this was truly a serene individual or a checked out person. Dismissive Avoidant is the perfect description of them.
Dism avoidants can oftrn shame others for being too much.. When actually they are as u said.. Checked out.
I found that the battery in my car is dead this morning. I don't have any way to jump start it without help from my neighbors, whom I don't even know due to my self isolation. I got angry AF, but sitting here and watching your inner child vids has made me realize I'm reacting and not being adult about it. I'm no longer angry, and I think I can now find a solution: I can ask a neighbor if they have jumper cables. Thanks, Patrick!
Even little things like Patrick saying "your amazing inner child" is so impactful and healing. I always feel seen in your videos. Thank you for that
Wow, I have watched many videos pertaining to attachment theory/styles, and again, your video far and away surpassed the others in scope, conceptual/communicative clarity, and visual clarity. I really appreciated your use of the 4 quadrant infographic to elucidate a more complex construct. Your succinct explanation of each attachment style, along with their corresponding info. (without wandering off into "the weeds"), really gives the viewer a strong foundation from which to begin a journey of understanding and, possibly, implementing this information into their own path toward health and recovery.
I continue to be so grateful for your channel, for your approach to your channel, and I am going to ask my own therapist (not a trauma therapist, but still awesome) to watch this video so that we may begin delving into this type of awareness and a hopeful movement forward. Thank you, your explanations are incredible!
I agree👍. This was the best description I've seen on this subject! Great channel and content as always. 💜
I agree wholeheartedly! 🤍
Very much agreed! Thank you for being so clear and for the graphics. I’ve seen a lot of videos on attachment styles, and I always suspected I was DA, but this crystallized for me.
Thank you; because of your videos, I start to recover from the anxiety of c-PTSD. I have practiced dialoguing with inner child during an anxiety attack and it was great; we calmed down. Feeling much better now. I hope you know you're doing important work in the world.
I'm more of a fearful-avoidant attachment style and I can see the chaos in my relationships, some of which I create... definitely inwardly. I have avoided relationships especially close ones for quite some time. I have a fear of hurting people so I want to give them distance. I realize I feel more anxiety in some situations rather than others. I'm trying to engage in relationships that I naturally feel calmer in as I heal.
Ha ha ha! Little Jill has the same taste in toys as does Little Patrick! I have that same bear and it comes with a story about big Jill and little Jill working together. ❤ Here’s the story:
Little Jill was very unhappy one day and she was trying to throw a tantrum and stood in the way of things I needed to accomplish that day. I got it that she was screaming for attention so we sat down and had a heart-to-heart.
“I never have any fun!” she cried. “I don’t even have any toys that I like!” 🤬
Big Jill listened attentively and sympathetically. Big Jill knew that little Jill was right. (I tend to be very goal oriented and I can even identify as a workaholic if I’m not careful… no fun for a child…my child.)
So big Jill asked what we could do right now to feel better and have a little fun.
“I want a present, a new toy!”
So we headed off to Amazon. We already have several stuffed animals but that’s okay. Little Jill used to experience peace and even a kind of gentle friendship with the stuffed animals she had growing up in a violent alcoholic home. The “animals” took the edge off the intense loneliness and fear of living in that situation.
Anyway…
We were both drawn to the bear shown here beside Patric BUT it came in 2 different colors and little Jill preferred the grey version and big Jill preferred the brown version as shown here. Truth be known, big Jill wanted the brown bear merely because it fits into the decorative color scheme of my home…
“Sheesh,” I thought, “am I going to override what little Jill prefers for such a m shallow reason? And by the way, THIS TOY IS FOR LITTLE JILL, NOT DECORATOR BIG JILL!”
We got the grey version of the bear that little Jill wanted and she was thrilled!!!
“What will you name him?” I asked.
“Gravy! Because he’s grey!”
For the next two weeks Gravy was our constant companion but I admit that I snuck back to Amazon and got the brown version of the bear too 😊.
His name is Brownie and he sits beside me at my computer…
Now I ask you…WHO IS THE REAL CHILD HERE??!! 😄❤️
16:58 I can relate so much to your statement about trying to self-regulate through upset and conflict. I am normally conflict avoidant, but when I am really triggered or fearful, it almost feels like I can’t move through those emotions without a difficult, indirect, frustrating conversation with my partner. He tries to understand and reach me, but I am unreachable until I have pushed and pulled and gone through this really exhausting cycle during the conversation. I finally come around and return to that part of myself that is kind and open to connecting, but the journey to get there, especially when I am really depleted and triggered, is so hard on my partner and me. I have gotten better at not engaging in this pattern, but it is still a work in progress. I love your videos and appreciate all you do. Thank you.
Thank you as always for what you’re doing, Patrick. *I look forward to you being seen by millions.* Dismissive-avoidant here, it’s come on me over the years but I am in therapy and a breakdown forced me to crack open and realise that a healthy partner makes life better, and suppressing emotion is NOT strength! Vulnerability is also so linked to creativity. 🌸
The attachment style I learned growing up was dismissive-avoidant. After I started therapy, the safety and trust part was really hard. Then I became fearful-avoidant in relationship to my therapist. I was using one hand to motion her nearer, while holding my other hand out to stop her from coming closer. Emotional intimacy was really scary for many years. And I didn't know that I was projecting my childhood experience and trauma and criticism from my parents onto my therapist. A good and safe therapist makes a big difference, even if it's difficult to see progress at times, because of the years of work it takes.
Most helpful to be reminded of these attachment styles. Ms Needy turned fearful avoidant!
exactly me too 😞
Yuppers! Came a long way though 💃🏾🌻🧚🏾♀️
Well, I met a guy who got me hanging on for months for no reason at all and wasn't an avoidant guy....he was dirt. Just to get "his medals"but without any physical interaction. I think he just wanted to brag about what it never happened among us. Just wanted me to triangulate other women. IIsn't childish and pathetic?
How I could have a good memory of meeting someone who never existed?
But I believe in keep on creating new good memories and leaving behind what won't ever work. Best wishes.
Good one 👍
I could see myself being like some of those avoiding styles.
- feel like have grown and matured.
- my mom didn't teach me anything about self-love or listening to my own feelings. Just listening to what she wanted in life or in situations
It's really refreshing seeing you challenge and break down a lot of the platitudes and cliches people often repeat in recovery culture. It really helps get to the root of the problem for each individual, rather than adopting the "one size fits all" mentality that people often chase when addressing trauma.
….and then the next video starts with “WHY”….so amazing
I'm fearful avoidant
The three suggested reparenting steps are super helpful. I disengage to avoid acting out, but I never had a step 2 after disengaging. Focusing on my emotional sobriety will be a new goal of mine.
Every video I watch gives me another new insight into my whole life, a new angle that makes me go 'oh, crap. THAT's what that was.'
Thank you for all this knowledge.
I've read about inner child work and attachment style before, but I haven't seen them discussed together. That's really powerful, the idea that you can potentially improve your attachment style by re-parenting your inner child and developing a secure relationship with them. Fearful-avoidant here, so the idea that there is actually a way forward out of my current/past views on relationships and intimacy is really helpful
I am anxious preoccupied as well as codependent, and my partner is dismissive avoidant as well as narcissistic. We have been in a cycle of trauma bonded crazy making for the last 6 months. Broken up countless times. And been cheated on at least twice that I know. I don’t know how to leave until I fix my childhood trauma of being abandoned. My father was an alcoholic having to go to rehab multiple times in my childhood, and my mother was aggressively codependent. I am 23. They are divorced but nothing has been fixed. Now I go between living with my toxic abusive boyfriend, to living with an alcoholic dad who is depressed because my mom left him. I feel soo hopeless.
In recovery since 1984, I'm finding so many helpful suggestions and examples in your videos, which is really exciting. Time for a deeper dive into the steps.
None of my nuclear family followed me into recovery, sadly, all dead and gone without really ever truly/fully enjoying the gifts of life, family and friends.
My heart breaks looking around at the broader culture, especially those living on big city streets....
I cannot help but recognize severe childhood trauma has debilitated at least two generations of Americans, the Latchkeys and Millennials seem to be in deep despair.
Lord have mercy.
I’ve never seen attachment theory explained like this where it’s in relationship to your own inner child. I’ve only seen it explained as it relates to the other person in a relationship. This is really helpful. Thank you
I'm thinking I've become slightly more dismissive avoidant rather than anxious preoccupied as I have been. Dunno if it's that fluid but now I'm terrified to step into any relationship; I don't want another heartbreak, my tiny heart can't take another hit. I've been through enough and I just want whatever next relationship I can trust to be my last. I'm tired of messing around and messing up...
Fearful avoidant, leaning more toward anxious preoccupied. A lot of up and down in my household as a child. I lot of contradicting messages and unpredictability.
I hate that I have to learn this stuff and I am also extremely grateful that I get to learn this stuff.
Learning about attachment styles is very helpful. I love that you explain it through the lens of the inner child. Patrick, you do such a great job of teaching these concepts in a way that is easy to understand and so helpful in the context of childhood trauma work.
And I didn’t see the cowlick until you mentioned it! 😂
yes, I love his disorganized hair. So human.
Dude, I just realized my college ex was both a runner and a chaser, and I was too. That explains how hurt we would be, taking turns into offering love and running from it. I would say something meaningful to him, he would run. He would surprise me after my classes with roses, I would run. I was always fearful he didn't loved me, and he might been fearful too.
I've just started dating again after eight years. Boom old wounds I thought I had healed reopened.. This video gives step by step practices that make sense and I feel very motivated to rewatch with pen and paper and journal mybthoughts.my thoughts. This offering is priceless.. I have forwarded it to my life coach..Thank you, Thank you.
I'm so glad that I was able to find this resource. I found out that I had the fearful-avoidant attachment style a while back last year through therapy and ever since then, I've been trying to figure out how I could become more secure but never seemed to find resources that actually told you what to do. Thank you for this!
You are giving me everything i need in an explanation for my brain. A visual when necessary event a diagram!!, clear speech, pace, a meditation prayer I can screenshot. Y’all its perfect and its in the detail. 👏
I've been all of the styles in my journey.
I always found it so devastating when people would say things like "you have to love yourself before someone else can love you." It didn't do anything to promote self love it just further reinforced my sense of hopelessness and belief that I was unlovable.
Not only was it unhelpful, it was also untrue. Being in a loving relationship with my securely attached partner helped me with my anxious-preoccupied attatchment style and was a huge part of me fostering self love.
Edit: adding to clarify that being loved by this healthy person wasn't the "fix" for my problems, it was one part of the recovery process over years alongside a ton of self-work and therapy. But I definitely did not love myself before I was able to be loved.
These Inner Child series is the best thing I’ve watched on youtube (and I watch a lot of youtube). Please continue making them, they help a ton! Much more than videos where such things are just theoretically explained. Thank you 😃
I would say I spent quite a lot of my life in the dismissive avoidant type. It was the strangest thing, I wouldn’t give myself any leeway when discussing with my friend’s parents what my mental state was. I would critically analyze my coping mechanisms when discussing with them, but otherwise I was very avoiding of even friendly interactions let alone intimate or romantic interactions. After the emersion therapy of being part of another family for 3 years, I shed a lot of my worst traits and started to understand and acknowledge my inherent strengths for the first time.
Your videos contain lots of wisdom, I enjoy the amount of information they contain to help out people whom can’t afford professional care, but point towards finding someone comfortable who is capable of having healthy dialogue.
I definitely agree that we all have aspects of the three attachment styles but to look for more of the patterns that show up in our lives. This can help us understand ourselves better in our relationships
I’m still here for that video request about resolving conflict between the adult and inner child.
So thankful that you are doing these videos for free. You are contributing so much to my healing. Thank you!!
Your videos are amazing. I’ve never felt so connected to words as I do to the way you say and explain things. This is making a real difference to my life
Thank you for this video series. I am absolutely amazed at your ability to explain complicated things so clearly and concisely. I am finding your channel so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all the hard work that must go into making these vidoes. I found you very recently and have been trying not to binge watch everything because it is all so deep and helpful and I need to take my time in processing things,. I have started journaling and that has helped to clear my head and calm some of my emotions that were all over the place. I had a triggering event happen last summer and spent the rest of the year in a downward spiral. I had blocked so many things that happened in childhood and a lot of them came rushing back at me all at once and I just didn't know what to do or how to handle myself. I am so grateful that I found your channel and I just wanted to let you know how much you have helped me. Thank you.
first 🙈🙈 but actually, thank you for your videos. it has helped me a lot, and am grateful to educate myself about this at a young age, or before i have kids.
Is this science or are you a wizard who can see right through me?
Always: Thank you for what you re doing...
I feel like i finally found a therapist that understands me ! ❤ appreaciate your work
I'm definitely fearful avoidant. And no, it's not ridiculous or a paradox. It's a defense mechanism (they all are). Thanks for all that you do, Patrick. I've been learning and growing a lot from you.
Would love more on attachment styles and reparenting! Great vid
Thank you so much for your free resources. It is a blessing.
Love yr... clarity/ practicality:/many hurting souls and few willing to help give them directives. Many charlatans out for a buck. There is so much we can all do & lots of Money anyway to be made.. but feel good that you have helped society. God bless you sir! Thank you! Thank you!
This is such invaluable information that should be basic education for everyone. Thanks for all your amazing work, Patrick
I get most of it except I'm 30-30-30 avoidant, anxious and preoccupied so i dont think avoidant is low anxiety. Cuz when youre unable to avoid something your anxiety is gonna be even higher cuz youre unable to face it normally.
True.
I'm addicted to these videos and appreciate you putting them out. I never realized how watching a child I cared about being abused as a child has affected EVERYTHING I say and how I react. Thank you!
It's hard to not project abandonment onto others when you're still trapped in the "family" unit, still being dismissed, invalidated, and threatened with homelessness for expressing anything the "family" unit doesn't like. The constant re-triggering and "confirmation" that that's how it is is incredibly difficult to fight while it's still ongoing. But I can't see myself being healthy enough to escape financially until after healing more, as my spotty job history (thanks to getting triggered and melting down every single time) will attest to. They want us to stay trapped.
I'm in this exact position and I'm 32 😢. Sometimes I worry the complaining I do is turning into covert narcissism. You are not alone.
Patrick Teahan you are an amazing soul.
I will forever be grateful for you and for the precious info you give out for free..thank you so much for this channel♡♡♡
I just listened to this again..the humanity, clarity and helpful diagrams - so very helpful.
My inner child says thank you too✨
Thank you. I have been reading the book and following along and doing the work along with talk therapy, and have been finding more and more peace with myself. As an Anxious Preoccupied has been me with my husband for 28 years. As I work on my childhood trauma towards a secure me. Thank you!!
I sincerely appreciate you giving examples to everything you say
Just found your channel! Thanks for taking the time to put out this great information
Love this. Thank you for your seasoned knowledge and positivity.
Thank you, Patrick, these are extremely useful and highly concentrated videos!!! I do all the tasks!
As an abuse survivor and you are a God send. I appreciate your therapy so much! Not to mention you make me laugh!
I'm so grateful to you for the work that you do. Not everyone can afford therapy, or can find a good one, yet so many people depend on us to be well in life, work, family, friends, pets, and ourselves. 💕thank you so much!
Brilliant, you are doing the greatest work for people's psyches
Your attachment style theories is already helping me navigate my current relationships with partner and family. Thank you thank you thank you.
This inner child series of videos is incredibly ground breaking. Finally, I understand very specifically what I need to target in order to change. I started watching the video thinking I was one attachment style, & by the end of the video I realized that I’m mostly a different one. Thank you for all that you are doing to teach & guide those of us who have been wanting to change and heal for many years but just didn’t know where to begin (in spite of trying other methods), until now! “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free”-John 8:32. Also, thank you for the peaceful mantra and the peaceful music that you include on each video. It’s very comforting & uplifting.
"It's me and you, kid"
I am very grateful to have come across you’d videos
Massively dismissive avoidant, but also really invested in being this way! Relationships have never worked out, so now I've got my own home I love, solitary hobbies, a wry and reserved sense of humour, do my own DIY, fix my own car, don't need anyone! I like being like this! I don't like it when you tell me it's unhealthy!!
I didn't see him directly name you. Grow up.
@@chrisw9122 I wasn't suggesting that he had aimed the comment directly at me. What I was saying was that I find avoidance healthier than the alternative (being in touch with people who cross boundaries, as I have little defence against that), and rightly or wrongly find it distressing to hear that avoidance is an unhealthy tactic, as it's the only tool I have.... "I don't like when you say that" doesn't always mean "You shouldn't have said that." I wasn't trying to silence Patrick.
This video was helpful. The prayer at the end sounds like spiritual bypass. I'd like to add, "May you find the courage to be with your difficulty feelings."
Man I feel like I have been like all of these descriptions at different stages of my life.
Thank you for sharing your expertise in this video. I have adult diagnosed ADHD and the behaviors around this caused a lot of my juvenile trauma. Now I am trying to convince my inner child to trust my ADHD adult to do a better job of protection. It is not easy, but I see a path forward thanks to your video. How many other adult diagnosed ADHD folks have childhood trauma around trying to meet school and work deadlines with un-diagnosed ADHD?
I am taking up @Aisling O'Brien's challenge of simply leaving a statement. Patrick, you clearly care deeply about helping people to find hope in the face of often, deep wounding.
i just started journaling to my inner child thanks to your suggestions, patrick. i have to say it’s been pretty wild fragmenting myself, but it really is helping-now my inner child is no longer a latchkey kid😂
Thank you!!!!! Love the reparenting tasks my homework!!!!
I'm dismissive avoidant and to be honest it works well in my life as I'm having acts of omission and extreme isolation likely continuing for the rest of my life. My mother gave me permanent brain damage (not just the foetal alcohol syndrome but she beat me hard enough to give me more brain damage) and it causes me to be high risk around human contact. I get around 1 hour face to face human contact a week. It's the safest thing (my frontal lobes are affected along with my cerebellum and global white matter atrophy) and I find my attachment style very fitting for my life to be honest. My life won't change, the NHS isn't going to suddenly lift the multiple bans and restrictions I have on access. Social services won't suddenly offer me something that doesn't stress me out enough that I get arrested. I see no benefit in a secure attachment. I need to be detached and avoidant and low in emotional depth, all of which I am. I'm very shallow and that helps a lot even though it ironically is from my brain damage lol.
Idk maybe someone might have something to say about this that might be useful lol I'm kind of fucked. I'm at least finally away from secure units with all my extreme isolation I'm finally allowed to have because all services gave up on me. I'm in the UK and that happens more in the current political situation.
I don't know what one means by buying into their emotions, I don't know of depth and feeling intensely. I can have rage and happiness etc but it's very raw and simple even if loud and the former can involve the police at times. Brain damage is a weird confounding factor.
I find these videos really interesting but I don't relate a huge deal. My brain damage really changes things.
I am so very sorry, your mother wasn't safe. You are an important person, regardless of your brain damage.
@@joyful_tanya thank you so much
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the detailed and clear explanations and book references.
Just realized I’m a fearful avoidant being in therapy for a few months now has been tough but I realize ever since i instated boundaries things are painful but better ❤
Patrick, you're the best!
I am learning so much about myself. Thank you ❤
Thank you. I was exploring this a few hours ago and needed clarification of my attachment style. Your video just came to me and you helped me understand which is mine. I love your ending prayer, ditto to you. These are so helpful Patrick. Thank you very much.🙏🏻😊
I love your content! Can you make a video about recognizing childhood trauma in tricky families? I feel like I have a lot of the same issues that result from childhood trauma but I can't exactly identify why? Thank you again for this great channel!
What attachment style operates between our adult and our inner child. Never thought of that! Brilliant. A whole new level of healing. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing …your work is essential and my inner child thanks you❤
Fearful avoidant. Very helpful info--thank you!
What a deep and clear explanation . 🙏
I feel sad…and lost about my inability to get myself to do what I need to do to live better. I wish that I didn’t have to deal with myself this way.
This is the best explanation of attachment styles I have ever seen. I have read specialized literature on the subject but it was never as clear as your explanation. I particularly liked the way you described how a person would react in a relationship based on their attachment style. Spot on! Thank you so much!
Thank you Patrick for your videos, please keep posting them, it’s a great resource for survivors. I think I’ve alternated between anxious preoccupied, dismissive and fearful avoidant throughout the years. 😞 going thru the therapy work of reparenting myself. Keep up the good work for this channel, it really saves lives.
"Establish a loving dialogue"
Time for some deep breaths and baby steps... this is going to be like paddling upstream
I've read "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love" and unfortunately there was nothing about fearful-avoidant style, I mean it's only mentioned. I have BPD, but more like this quiet/internalyzed one. I was thinking that I have dismissive avoidant style, because 5/7 relationships I had was in this vibe (also 6/7 I ended). In the longest one (which I didn't finished) I was anxious one. Ane there was one relationship where I was kinda fearful-avoidant.
Now I think it's really possible that I have fearful-avoidant style. Negative self-talk was present in all of the relationships. In my diary I've read sentence "he's already disappointed in me, he knows the truth" written before I started ignoring his texts and broke up later (it was before therapy, I don't behave like that anymore). I just want to believe I can be self-sufficient so it's hard for me to recognize that I'm actually scared.
Wonderful breakdown Patrick Teahan! Even at 40 years old, I had a needy freakout when the person told me they didn't want to meet the day after we had a beautiful night together, so hard to understand what's going, all reason goes out the window when my abandoned inner chid comes out to play screaming that they don't want you..
the "motto" of my negative self-talk has always been "i only feel like myself when i'm miserable"
i recently found out that i'm a fearful avoidant and it all started making sense
I have been watching these videos with my husband. We have been together for 10 years and we have done so many things to hurt the other. These videos were the last resort. We resonate with all your videos so much. I have a low avoidant with high anxiety and my husband is high avoidance low anxiety. Just hearing these words made us realized we have been doing those examples for years. Your an amazing soul doing God's work!
Please never Stop making these videos ❤️❤️
I am fearful avoidant in romantic relationships, but secure with close friendships. Creates chaos internally. 😅
Same 😅
I’m so glad you’re on TH-cam:))
Grateful. Thank you for all you do
I have never subscribed to any content producer on youtube but your work is compelling and accurate and most importantly, very well explained. You break down deep emotional blockages into digestible information and your explanations and info graphics are clear and simple. I have read Homecoming by Bradshaw over several years (if inner child work makes you weep and overwhelmed then the author says not to push yourself) but the way you explain it is crystal clear. You are a fantastic therapist, a wonderful communicator and the work that you are doing here will not be in vain. Your goal of helping people on a larger scale is being achieved because this is the kind of work that people can do on their own without expensive therapists but just need some guidance. You are providing that guidance. The faceless people in pain all thank you (and their inner children are shouting their support!)