That had been my experience on many fronts. I love that he says this is a neglected topic. And it makes me really pissed off. I'd love to help make it more recognized ... I'd be putting this message on blast.... but it would probably burn my remaining family relationships to the ground.
I'd like to proficit the "incest" segment of this video- as someone who experienced it. It is NOT always overtly abusive. We are assuming there are age differences- so when my sister exposed herself and had me and my litle brother expose ourselves, she was FAR more cognitively developed than we were- (she was 3 years older, and females develop a lot faster) THAT was an example of secual abuse because she knew better. However- me and my little brother, who had only a year between us- there was not a massive cognitive difference between us. When I became sexually curious (at a very young age) due to the curiosity of other boys around me at the time (other abused children in the low-income area) we wanted to explore our secuality- but I didn't want my brother there (for obvious reasons) instead- he threatened and manipulated me to include him, "if you don't let me join- im going to tell on you." the power dynamic between us was not uneven. So gradually we grew secually close to one another as a result- but there was no real power dynamics being shifted- I see it almost like mutual self soothing. It's not abuse to share stuffed animals just because you have a strong emotional connection to that stuffed animal, if anything sharing those emotional connections is a form of processing pain. So I wanted to just point out that incest isn't always the result of abusive siblings. Children naturally develop sexual curiosity- and if there is an absence of male leadership siblings can take it upon themselves to establish hiearchies through sexual interactions- but between me and my brother- there was absolutely no difference- we might as well have been twins. we were frequently in a boat of "us" vs "them" when it came to my sisters who had endless attention and praise. we were on our own.
I am the baby of 10 children. Not only did I get abused by each and everyone of them, but I had to grow up hearing that I was “spoiled “ because I was the baby. It’s almost unbelievable what I overcame. ❤
I hear you I was the youngest of six. And also they told me that I was the baby in the family. Never and I mean ever refer to yourself as a baby, give yourself permission to grow up. There are no laws stating that you must remain with your blood to family
I was the youngest of 4, by a larger gap than the first 3 had. Even in my 40s & 50s i was still “the baby” to my mother as well as sibs. Because they experienced more physical violence , they also felt the gap more than it really was. I was always the outsider, & it led me to a life of trying to fit in with them, and other abusive groups. To my youngest sis, 5 yrs older, she came to refer to me as up to 15 yrs younger… and hit me (she was hit), spanked me, blamed me for things she did, & is a kleptomaniac She was always messed up & only got worse as she aged, resented me for wanting to be with her or like her-normal little kid behavior that she humiliated me for. Wanting to fit in with my messed up sibs i got into drugs & drinking even earlier than they had, thinking they’d accept me. Only for a short while tho they continued to just be amused & look down on me… and whenever 2 of them were getting along, i was totally abandoned. Which was the end result in my 50s when the chief abusive parent died…
@@Rain9Quinn thank you so much for sharing that. That feeling of being an outsider makes it more painful, and also gives us the opportunity to focus on our own healing over the years.
For those going through this: I believe you, and more importantly you can and will believe yourself. Listen to that little kid. There is no better feeling than breaking through decades of gaslighting to catching glimpses of freedom. You have to work hard to live in REALITY, and not the lies of your abuser and enabling family members, therapists, and society.
Thanks, Patrick. Toxic family system is an understatement. My brother bullied me my entire childhood and my parents gaslighted me; my mother used the 'religious' approach and told me to forgive my brother, while she never intervened. I still can't help resenting my parents for their complete lack of interest in the situation.
That lack of parental intervention sends a very sad message to kids. My parents were like "let them fight it out", which isn't fine when your the youngest or smallest. I always felt so powerless
My older brother had the most imaginative ways to torture me - he once told me to look through a keyhole, as he wanted to show me something.. then sprayed furniture polish in my eye from the other side of the keyhole. Narc parents often pit siblings against one another, so that they don’t gang up together against the parent - keeps the kids powerless.
My dad tried to do that. Told my sister I was the talented one,while telling me I wasn't as pretty as her. It was like he wanted us to fight. It didn't work the way he thought though. She hated him so much more than she ever hated me. And I just accepted I was ugly.
@@ElanaVital83 If I may, you're not ugly. Not at all. You are beautiful. I hope and pray you can release that poisonous lie your father raised you with. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
@Tei Hin Her father was trying to triangulate her with her sister for his own narcissistic benefit and supply. Based on Elana's description of events. He wasn't trying to teach her anything. Narcissistic ppl have no empathy or desire to help or teach anyone.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I couldn't agree more with you about being on the same side, we needed eachother. Unfortunately it seems that's how abused children cope. We act out in some way & often against eachother. It took many years for me to understand it was as though my older brother & I had been in a war together. Young children in the trenches with two very messed up adults to teach us so little about how to deal with regular everyday childhood issues let alone the toxic environment that they set up for us at home. No one knew better how to trigger the other than us. If we're lucky we're able to let go of what we did to hurt eachother and we figure out (at least to a degree) as we get older how to offer love & support.
@@melanie.c25 : True enough! If we think back, some of us may actually see how the parent(s) triangulated us so we’d fight. I remember my parent encouraging us to call our younger brother “Piggy” because he was over weight, and little things said to keep us at odds with each other. All the things were “said for our own good”. Cutting, derisive, abusive. But we’re kids and didn’t know.
I’d beg my neglectful narc mother to tell my brother with sociopathic characteristics to stop beating me. *This went on until I called the police at the age of 26.* Each time she’d say, “I don’t want to hear it. You two just have to learn to get along.” Or just straight up accuse me *and later his girlfriends* of lying. Well my brother is 50 now and my mother is 70. She is just now seeing signs of what I was talking about. I guess he has said some things she finds disturbing. As for me, I’m safe and sound and living 2,700 miles away.
My mom was the same with my older sister and me. My older sister would be chasing me around with a knife and my mom would say "you two need to stop horsing around in the house."
My siblings kept the bullying up to this day. I've gone no contact the whole lot of them because we're all middle-aged and they're clearly not going to change
I would like to complement your courage to take a stand by saying NO MORE, I do not accept your abuse anymore. Your emotional maturity and the level of healing you have is awe inspiring.Stay strong. Don't let your guard down. So proud of your determination to survive and thrive after the abuse.
Same! Have lived in a different part of the country for decades yet they still had to hack my phones and harass me. I will never talk to my 3 siblings again
So triggering to listen to this. I was the youngest girl in a huge family. I fall into every category. Need to take a break & do self care. Thank you, Patrick. You’re creating a safe space to address the inner worlds of many of us who are dying inside. You’re saving lives - God bless you & your work.
as an older sibling, i was guilty of some things discussed here (more the teasing and bullying) and even tho we're both fully grown adults, i've made it a point to apologize to my younger sib. i was definitely wounded in my own ways and saw him as the easy target :( but we're pretty close now!
Thank you for acknowledging and owning that. And for apologizing to your sibling. It may not change the original pain but, speaking as the younger sibling in this case, it does help the healing now as an adult. And it sounds as if you're both doing the work to do so ( particularly seeing as you're here watching this video, which would probably normally draw more of the 'abused' than 'abusers' ).
That pattern happens in my family. The youngest just gets completely dumped on. I’m the youngest so I would know. I guess they just like to target the most vulnerable idk
My older brother used to physical abuse me, humiliate me, overpower me by taking my own hands and using them to hit myself with them, taunt me, allow his friends to hit and slap me while he watched, push me underwater so I never learned to swim, a million cruel things, and YES my parents were narcissistic and neglectful. This was a lifesaving video. Thank you.
You just reminded me my older brother used to do that to me too, use my own hands to hit me.... And kneel on me, tickle me til I couldn't breathe, wrestling holds where he'd twist further until I shouted "I submit!" Also what we used to call Chinese burns, whipping with a teatowel, and taunting me with phrases I didn't understand (like vorsprung durch technik from the car ads) as if I should have understood them.
Same.. my parents are narcissists.. well my dad is. My brother mentally, physically, and sexually abused me. He tried to kill me several times. The one that stands out the most is when he tried to drown me. He held me under and even used his feet and legs to hold me down. He would torture me and relentlessly scare me all the time and all I ever wanted was for him to love me. I always just thought it was normal till I had kids. Now i see it was abuse.
What if I am the OLDER brother and my younger brother was the one bullying me, hitting me, teasing me and tormenting me throughout my childhood and teen years? And justifying it by saying it was because I was a loser and embarrassing. Everyone in the family may act like "oh, that was the past, and he was just a teenager" but I feel like a lot of that contributed to my trauma as an adult, feeling unloved and unsafe around other men and feeling ashamed of myself for no reason at times, because I maybe picked up on a belief that I was an embarrassment and a loser growing up...
That was sort of like my family. The youngest could hit, but we couldn't hit back, (and we did not). So she'd pick a fight, hit us, then run up the stairs crying to our mother that we were bullying her. Then she'd stand there and gloat while watching our mother yell at us.
The older sibling develops empathy and puts up with abuse because they are told that they "should know better" and "just forgive them," while the younger sibling is enabled to continue abusing older siblings because they're "the baby of the family and they don't know any better."
You were not, and are not now, a loser. You were a victim of abuse. You survived, and may be proud of your strength and resilience. May you heal and be well!
I grew up in an abusive household. I have so much regret and guilt over every time I hurt my little sister, either physically or emotionally. I remember her asking me (she was maybe 2 or 3 and I would have been 8 or 9) to sing to her and rub her arm (something our mother did to soothe her to sleep sometimes). I remember I responded with frustration and refused to do it, and she cried. I was annoyed at the time but it makes me so ashamed thinking about it now. How could I have done that? How could I have turned away a little child just asking for comfort? And that's a very mild example. I've apologized about and validated everything she's brought up to me that I did to her when we were kids, and I take every opportunity I can to respond to her with kindness and never dismiss her. We have a pretty good relationship now, but it hurts so much knowing that nothing I do now will ever take away my contribution to her trauma.
I think you can give yourself a break. How are you to know what to do at that age? What was the example that was being modeled to you. I think the apologizing and making amends is gold. Seems pretty dreamy to me and I'm sure ppl rarely do that
I commend you. And your behavior today helps more than you know. Both of my parents were violent and hurtful, while professing love. When i reached adulthood, they comprehended how damaged i was. They humbled themselves, apologized, became amazing friends. Hang in there, your belated amends make a giant difference
Hey, you realized it and shared your remorse and have forged a relationship. That is A LOT. I wish I could receive such validation from my siblings. You can't change the past, but you can make choices about the present to create a different future, which you are doing. I commend you. We are all jerks are some point in our lives, at least most of us.
YES IT CAN! I have no way of knowing your story but in my case because I defended myself (older and smaller) I ended up being the one they expected to take the blame. No can do!
YES. THATS WHAT I EXPERIENCED. my younger sibling is just like our narc parents that she complains to hate so much. She's a mirror of them, projecting onto me
My brother was younger but always much, much stronger and would always get more attention and understanding than me. He would sit on my chest and pin me to the floor with his legs on my arms until it hurt. I could only bite him & I would get in trouble because I was older. My parents would sit and laugh at me. He was on the Spectrum & had a brain tumor when he got older. He died in 2020 from cancer. It's so hard to acknowledge and talk about some of the stuff he had done because he died. We never had equal love/attention because he had cancer. It was never "my turn" to be loved. Even after he died, my parents told me it was their turn to "put their needs first" after not loving me for years. My parents suck and I'm so done with it! Tapping into my own unending well of love & giving my inner child everything that I need.
Love your “tapping into the well of love!!!” There aren’t enough days left to make up for what happened to us at such young, tender, trusting ages. Give yourself EVERYTHING❤️
You are right-your parents suck. Shame on them for allowing the abuse and laughing at your suffering, and Shame on them for being so narcissistic that they out their own needs above yours. The entire family is wounded by the death of a child, not just them as parents. Very very self centered people, obviously. I’m really sorry you had to go through such hell. I’m glad you’re on higher ground now.
Just started sobbing reading this because I've never seen someone's situation so close to mine. Lost my twin brother (also on the spectrum) from a brain tumor 3 wks after i went away to college. It's been an unbelievable thing to try to even start to cope with. I've never seen someone who had to deal with that. Really hope you're doing okay and please feel free to message me or something if you wanna talk to someone who's been in a similar boat. 'Brutal' doesn't even begin to describe it.
The tears the streamed down my face when you said “I believe you”. This unearthed pain I didn’t even realize I was carrying or at least didn’t have words for it. Thank you.
I can't believe I am saying this, but I am listening to this video smiling from ear to ear. I am 54 and FINALLY someone is calling out my childhood experience for what it was! I am 54 and I still have nightmares about my brother. My thoughts on the subject are racing. I don't really need to share my specifics. If you have been there you know already. I am just excited that someone, somewhere, really gets it!
Do you have contact with your brother? I am 40 and I do not. This really struck me why did my life suffer so much? I have been addicted, incarcerated, raped, beaten, homeless, hungry, hurting..... While his life has been content and everything just came to him. Im grateful to have the knowledge I do so that I can help others but it has been a very long process. How do they look at themselves in the mirror? They know, right? They know the molestation and beatings and manipulation and forcing me to watch porn and forcing me to watch him torture animals.. he knew it was wrong, right???
Horrific- he really sounds psychopathic and he may be a person with a good enough IQ so that he can “ suceed in life” honestly this sounds psychopathic and not all psychopaths end up fighting, in jail etc, some get very high level jobs. Compassion to you- I hope that you can connect to the light inside yourself- the thing people don’t talk about is how a very boring everyday routine is good for helping with safety, especially in the longer term- but it feels wrong and uncomfortable because we have an ear up for trouble- our body is wired that way- it’s not conscious- it’s from years of barely surviving in terrible danger.
My older sister tried to drown me in the ocean, she used to beat me up outside the back door and punch me in the arm and legs to the point where I had bruises all over my body and when I would go telling on her she would deny it and she would deny it so well that I got in trouble for lying even though I had bruises all over my body she would say I did it to myself. It was the most horrible environment and my heart goes out to anybody who’s lived this nightmare. My father was an abusive, alcoholic, liar. He was the cause of all of our family problems and yet the world thought he was the best man on the planet. He was a monster. Sever ties and never, ever look back. The Bible is real and Cain and Abel is true.
@@thirstonhowellthebird I know all about “hide the abuse.” We are very well known in this city, so my father was paranoid about anything looking other than perfect. Sadly, that worked. In our home was horrific abuse, and I was the scapegoat of 7 kids😔 At my mother’s funeral (she was the biggest abuser) people testified about how she had changed their lives for the better. Maybe she had. But I returned from the funeral weeping, wondering “what is going on here?”
@@Grandessaful My heart just breaks for that story. It’s so common in so many parts of the world and pretty much really everywhere. I’m starting to believe the more prominent a family the more toxic and abusive it is. They are desperate to continue to remain perfect in the public eye and maybe the pressure creates the monster who behaves with violence behind closed doors and then of course the siblings perpetuate it because they don’t know any better. I hope you went no contact because there’s a beautiful life on the other side.
@@thirstonhowellthebird thank you for your compassion, I did go “no contact” with my mother, and was immediately alienated by my 6 sibs. All of them see me as the “ sick” one. It is so hard not to take this on. I may not succeed in this lifetime, but I hope there is a compassionate hereafter❤️
@@Grandessaful I promise, I promise you will succeed. It is very, very difficult at first but if you watch a lot of videos on scapegoating and the purpose that it serves you’ll understand why they do it. In a nutshell you’re the normal one. Every time they see you it’s a reflection of what they are not. They likely have substance abuse problems, anger issues, are unhappy in spirit and personality and maybe do drugs and you are different and you do not do the things that they do. That shames them. It’s not your intention that they feel shame and you’re not trying to make them feel shame but that is why they lash out at you. They feel less than when they are around you so that’s why they trash you because they have to make themselves feel better by telling people what a horrible person you are so the focus won’t be on what horrible people they are. The only way to calm your central nervous system and give your sanity a chance to heal is to sever all ties. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life but I can promise you, you will look back one day and wish that you had done it sooner. It took me two years before I was able to sever all ties because it seems so unnatural and it was not anything that would ever have crossed my mind but I had a really good therapist who walked me through it all. These people want and need to destroy you. That is the root of the disease. At this point when a person decides to sever ties there’s nothing left to say so your silence will say it all. Block their phone calls, block their text messages, block all emails and sever ties with anyone who comes to you and tries to talk to you about them. All contact and all mention of their names has to stop for you to heal. You are physically injured from the stress they’ve put on your central nervous system and your surging cortisol and adrenaline and Epinephrine. I’m not sure how long it’s been since you’ve severed ties but it sounds like maybe not that long. Let them trash you behind your back because you’ll get to a point where nothing that they say matters. Strengthen your faith in God because that is who I turned to and He changed everything for me. Everything that is happening to you is written in the Bible from Cain and Abel to Joseph and his brothers it is the manual for life and had I understood that, these people could never have done the damage that they did. I think God lets it happen to bring us closer to him because he is more important than they are and yet all of our lives their opinion meant everything to us and that was never the opinion that mattered the most. Work on yourself and your body and your physical health and your mental and spiritual health and get strong again. It takes awhile but you will heal. ❤️❤️❤️ I know what it feels like to think that you can’t make it through another day. I know what it feels like to think that it might be better if a bus hit you and took you off this planet. They take your will to live and they take your joy and they will take your life if you let them because their ultimate goal is to have you kill yourself. It’s a real thing, their hatred. Please know that it has nothing to do with you and that you have done nothing wrong nor anything to cause it. They are just bad seeds, they were born defective. Watch his videos and others on scapegoating. His videos on scapegoating are great. Toxic family videos too. th-cam.com/video/_XfkG0pMQ4A/w-d-xo.html
I finally confronted my older sister about her mind games, exclusion, manipulation and deception over the years, and now we don't speak. It was painful, and she didn't take responsibility (she blamed it on our dysfunctional family, which I guess is true?), but now I don't have the gnawing pain of wanting her acceptance, because she could have been sorry, and she wasn't.
Its harder when it is a younger sister who people think is the older one because of bully nature. I feel for you because psych and emotional abuse is the worst.
I confronted my sister about the same (she's 1 year older). She blamed it all on me as it was my fault and told me " it's all in your head", "It never happened that way", and "get help, because you don't know what you're talking about ". We don't speak. I cut ties with her. I haven't said a word to her in 2 years.
Sherrylin I think this is more common than realised. I can relate to You and believe You totally. You tried after all that had happened. It is her loss X
I was stabbed, raped, punched, electrocuted by my older brother , and told a lot of really horrible things - like I was going to be aborted . I’m so glad you made this video,because there’s so few resources available about sibling abuse. My older brother also put stuff in my bed. He was so inappropriate with me. And when I tried telling my parents, no one believed me. Even now, my brother is the Golden Child. I am the Scapegoat.
I eventually learned that being the scapegoat is a blessing. I wasn't as enmeshed with my toxic mother as my siblings, so it gave me an escape route. I have been estranged from them all for over ten years. Healing is messy. I wish you all good things! You deserve it! You matter!
Jen, I can't imagine what you have been through. My childhood was the picnic from hell. It amazes me that our own parents would allow this kind of cr*p to occur. That's not saying much about our parents, but good God, WHY would they allow that kind of behavior under their roof!?! Same goes for my parents. Particularly my mother who just recently screamed at me on how much she hates me (that was just her opening line), and she did this in front of other people! I've always been a great kid, never in trouble, respectful and caring. As an adult, I could never understand why I cried so often when it came to family interactions, or remembering my childhood. I have 2 older brothers that treated me horribly, an extremely evil twin sister, and a mother that NEVER defended, or protected me in any way (it was when I was 65 that she admitted to me how much she hated me; that I was a deplorable human being!). Mind you, I've always taken care of my mother in her HOURS of need; I'm the rock. My father had no idea this was going on - he was away from home most of the time on business. I was the apple in my father's eye; I guess that was a big part of the problem. Enough! My father is gone now, and I've distanced myself from the jackals. Take care, Jen. Sending prayers your way ❤
@@lindsayschilling8707 i was never an easy child. I was loud, confrontational, pushed buttons, and generally.. I was the type that couldnt understand why things were different for me. My dad is an alcoholic, my mother is a narcissist. I have a very complicated family. He divorced my mom, married my step mom , who he had a child with years ago. So, I have a half brother. Same father, different mothers. I have a half sister. Same mother, different fathers. So, the dynamics are pretty convoluted and twisted. And I’m the youngest. I’m also, the only one willing to tell the truth, and not put up with the bs. My husband and I left the states, to get away from al hat toxicity. We moved to Japan so our family would break that cycle of abuse. Neither I or my husband could tolerate it anymore. And now, we’re healing from it all. My husband is healing from all the abuse from his father, and I from my family- and it’s a journey we’re on together. It’s not easy. But channels like this one, help us see some of the bumps in the road. After cancer, surgeries, seizures, deployments, deaths, births, moves around the world, my husband and I have learned to be battle buddies. No matter what, we circle the wagons , pull up the drawbridge, and prepare for whatever comes our way. It’s just what we’ve learned to do. Thank you for the kind words. Amazing how I’ve found more compassion from strangers than my own family.
Thank you! I'm so tire, neh exhausted, with therapists saying what my brother did to me was merely "rivalry." I was routinely beaten, terrorized, threatened, and molested by my older brother. What he did wasn't a "rivalry" - I was smaller, weaker, unheard and unseen in my family. My brother was the youngest male among my cousins who were also all male. They had a "boys club" which I was completely excluded from. All I wanted was to be included, accepted and he abused me. This has effected my entire life!
I can relate. We had just the 2 cousins who we visited often. Both boys, and my brother loved it. They liked to come up with different versions of Pickle in the Middle, & of course I was ALWAYS the pickle.
I’m 62 and I endured everything you have mentioned in this episode. My parents never stepped in. My mother finally apologized a year before she died. No amount of therapy would address it until when I was 32 and had my only child, my sister insisted I have an abortion so much as telling my husband that the abortion has to happen as I will not be a good mother. I was crushed and my parents said they would not say anything to her as they were afraid my sister would withhold her two grandchildren from them. I finally stopped trying to be her sister at 40 when both my parent passed. Till this day I have panic attacks if I think about her or that I may come in contact. Luckily I moved five hours away. Thanks for your guidance. It’s really been needed. And our daughter is awesome and well educated and very successful and we have an awesome relationship.
My older brother threatened to kick a pregnant fiance's baby of ours out of her stomach on the phone when I wasn't there that hour. (It was 1996 and I was 22-yrs old)
You are doing great duty here for lots of therapists who don‘t have the skills to nail this down the way you do. I hold you in high regard. Unbelievable what is unrecognised and bad communicated by therapists.
It took me YEARS to fully acknowledge the abuse. I thought for the longest time, "Oh thats normal, its what children do, its probably just experimental..." that was my way of suppressing it so that I didn't have to see it for what it was. It wasn't until my early to mid 20s that I admitted to myself, no, that was totally wrong and not normal and should have never happened to me because it changed my development completely and I need to stop making excuses for them.
As a kid, I thought The Simpsons was a good family because they loved each other in the end. It took my college years to unravel all the dysfunctional family bs. At first I thought it was only emotional. But then I started remembering moments and connecting them. No kid should know the sound of their body thumping from being hit repeatedly. Anyways, I hope life is better for you now.
@@ratty5 Yeah its funny how many times I hear adults talk about how they see older children shows they have watched and now realize how depressing or not suitable for children it really is because of the content.
I have NEVER seen anything on Sibling Abuse, thank you so so much for this! I’ve dealt with this until only 3 years ago until I finally cut them all off at 41 years old. No matter what was done to me, physically or emotionally it was 100% dismissed and I was turned into the problem. Even as a child I was never, ever silent about the abuse and asked for help but the abusive behavior never stopped.
@@Grandessaful The scapegoat is usually the one who sees thru all of the BS and realizes that things aren't right. Watch closely and don't let them provoke you, and also don't take the blame. You know what is right!
@@Grandessaful Oh yeah, I was "crazy" too... my sibling literally told all of her friends I had a serious mental illness and then wrote an email to our ENTIRE family saying I was crazy (like aunts, cousins, in-laws EVERYONE) ... That's what they do to cover up what they have done to YOU. They tell everyone you're crazy, provoke and torture you until you get super angry & react.... and then they go See! I told you she's crazy. It's all part of the narcissistic tactics to discredit you and isolate you from anyone who might help you. Seriously the only way to save yourself is to cut off contact with them and go dark. I moved and no one knows where I live. Blocked them on my phone, IG, FB, emails, and stopped talking to anyone that would feed them information about me. This has been the BEST three years of my entire life! My business has taken off, I have a whole new group of really positive friends and have been interviewed about 8 times for my business, and became a paid speaker on business & taught workshops ... Seriously, THEE best 3 years!! Once you ditch them your life will blossom! Good luck!
My younger sister has been abusive (emotional and physical), manipulative and a gaslighter for so many years. She body-shamed me (and I had eating disorders), slut-shamed me, called me homophobic slurs, she used to tell everyone my secrets/private information (including the fact that I like girls when I wasn't even ready to come out), among many other things. She has been like this since a really young age and she still is a really toxic person
Oh my gosh, you literally described my older sister. It's the question of why that I can never get passed. We haven't spoke in 6 years...I'm 45. I hope that you find your way to peace and can let go of the ugliness she directed at you. Sending love.
My younger sister as well. I was 14 and she chased me with a butcher knife to stab me with it. She dated every boy she knew I liked. She spread rumors about me at school, she stole from me into adulthood, she committed cocsa to myself and a cousin when we were kids. Physical abuse to our younger brother (poking him with needles). Hurting other children at school and getting in trouble just all the time, and I would be punished because I'm the oldest.
@@11AceHearts11 Sorry but she sounds like a morbid individual to be around. I’m wondering what she’s like now. Ashamed? Or perhaps has nothing to do with anyone. Oh well, she brought it on herself. I’m aware I sound insensitive but being the oldest of 5 children and less than 8yrs difference between myself and the youngest I went out of my way to protect my them to the point where I was expected to. Huge responsibility for a child that’s not quite 6 (this is early ‘76) to be changing cloth nappies. Mind you when my mother decided to leave our father she pretty much demanded to be the parent, something she hadn’t really taken seriously apart from wanting helpless infants. I’m 53 now and I realise I never had a chance from the start.
@daniellewatson8352 I don't know what she's like anymore. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Valentine's Day 2016. I know what she was like back then, and I was the only "immediate" family that was speaking to her at that time. More and more people are realizing her truth as time passes, and some people have come around my parents and apologized for believing the things she was saying about everyone. She turned family against family with ultimatums she issued... It's been a hard road, but we are here, still breathing and kicking. Stronger for all of it.
I think it's really damaging when parents allow children to keep up this hatred of eachother and just dismiss it with "they will grow out of it". 20 years later and I still can't stand my older brother and I have plans to work on things to forgive him and move on, but I will never pursue a relationship with him, ever. Didn't grow out of it, never will. My younger brother is 5 years younger than me and he is like my own child, I love him endlessly. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me, the problems were with my family.
Wow, did I ghost write this? My older brother was also awful (abusive technically but it's hard to call it that for some reason), but he gave me a framework of how I never wanted to treat our new younger siblings. But of course as the eldest daughter I was parentified with them from a very young age. My mother just shared a photo with me the other day, I couldn't be older than six and I'm holding and soothing my baby sister - while my two brothers goof off in the corner. Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. I'm upset she thinks that's normal and okay to do to a six year old. But I cherish my relationship with my younger siblings, and I've talked a lot before about how I feel more like a mother to them rather than a sister. It's changed a bit as my little brother gets older, but I still cook/clean for him as if he were 10 since mother doesn't want to teach him those things like she did us females. Even though my younger sister has level 2 autism and is mentally less than half her age. Ugh. I'm so sorry for writing all this. It's helping me piece it together a little. I know exactly what you're going through. I hope you get all the help you need going forward.
I just want to say, as an older sibling in a toxic family system, I’m sorry for every one of you who went through this. I am thankful that my instinct was to protect my brother and shield him from as much bad parental behavior as I could, but I know that wasn’t everyone, and it is grieving for me for all of you who went through that. May you recover well.
I was the oldest of 6 and tried to protect them all. Mama turned me into the "bad one" and up until recently most of them bought into that storyline. I did what I could but sadly it wasn't enough to save them all.
Thanks for the apology; now only if my older sibs would acknowledge and apologize, which they won’t. I’m the problem, and they’re all A-OK. I’m the family scapegoat. Won’t change. I continue to work on being the “family pain-bearer.” My parents were saints to them. It is so crazy-making. I will say that I had a great psychiatrist who told me “Your mother was so threatened by you, she needed to turn your 6 siblings against you too.” So true😢👍👍👍
Oldest of 9, I became the father, mother and big brother as I had to protect and care for my siblings as our parents didn't. We weren't ready for that responsibility and it's a struggle to this day. My heart grieves for those of you who had older siblings who abused that position. No matter how bad they were hurting, you didn't deserve the abuse from them.
I was the parentified big sister that felt I had to take responsibility for my mum and look after her and my two younger siblings. I felt like I was on the same level as my mum. When I was a kid I didn't realise I was being a bully or manipulating them. And I felt like I needed to discipline them because my mum and stepdad were preoccupied with drugs, alcohol and domestic violence.
Good for you for unpacking all of that. I hope it helps you heal. My family had a similar dynamic (I’m third of six). My oldest sister took on so much emotional responsibility out of necessity-but bullying was included. She didn’t know better and felt we all needed to grow up faster. I’m grateful for the stability she added much of the time but am sorry for what it costed her. Sending love for you and your family.
I still couldn’t forgive my sister if she said that to me, sorry just isnt enough 😞 But my sister was absolutely terrible to me. Emotionally and physically. And when she abandoned me with my 70 year old father and 35 year old schizophrenic brother, who was an alcoholic... I just don’t see myself having it in my heart to let it go 💔 I’m still struggling RIP
I honestly cant remember most of my childhood and it scares me. I have a lot of problems that are very present for me and I wonder if they are caused by my childhood. I cant know because I dont remember it.
I don’t remember my childhood either. I do know I was tied to my bed as a toddler because my mother was ill and couldn’t look after me. My 6 sibs tormented me incessantly. My mother enjoyed this. My physician recently diagnosed me with PTSD because he said my body was constantly in shock. I am on medicine now which really helps! Best to you❤️
Chloe, have you ever considered HYPNOSIS? A well-vetted hypnotist can help,you tap into,your repressed memories. Maybe even go one step further and see a psychic who does past-life regressions. You can find out about both past AND present life events. If any of this is new to you (i.e., you don’t believe it’s real), I highly recommend looking into the topics, and include in your research the practitioners. I would skip the skeptics, since they come from the confirmation bias perspective, at least from what I’ve seen. It’s important to know what it is about your past that haunts you, and sometimes, you have to take some uncommon (yet valid) measures to excavate the info. You deserve to have closure, and to achieve emotional freedom. 🙏✨💕
I never remembered mine, then it came back in bits and pieces of sexual abuse. I have huge gaps in my memory and disassociate alot. I don't know which is worse. Not remembering, or remembering.
Thank you for talking about sibling abuse. My older brother was sadistic. He wouldn’t be satisfied until I cried and bled. I was kicked down the stairs about a thousand times during my childhood. My parents ignored my cries for help. I was more athletic than him. I knew how to defend myself but had to let him beat me. I didn’t want my dogs to get kicked across the room again. The abuse didn’t stop until I stopped talking to him. He threatened my parents with a gun when he got older. It was only then when my parents realized I was being abused. I was in college by then. My family sucks.
thank you Patrick, i've been around long enough, (73 years), and in many different therapy situations, and i can tell that you are a rarity; a true healer. I wish you lived around here. My older brother, (6 years older) started sexually abusing me when i was 4, this continued intermittently for the next 6 years and even as i grew into adolescence and learned how to avoid him he continued to harass me. He was my mother's firm favourite, (there were 5 kids), and i was never believed or supported or apologized to . I had no voice and no resources. The whole family, even my older sisters denied my experience. i have lived my entire adult life on the other side of the world but instead of cutting them off i continued to try to have a relationship with them. It did not work, i have always felt myself to be scapegoated and dismissed, and altho' they are all dead now except for one sister, even with her i dare not speak of my experience. I have been working with a somatic healer for almost 3 years and this is helping me enormously but as i listen to Patrick my whole body starts to shake and i recognize that even now, as an old woman it is still not resolved. Again Patrick, thank you and i wish you every success in your chosen career, you are gifted.
Good Grief! There really are no depths a narc family will not sink to in order to punish the scapegoat. I totally believe you 100%. I had a similar situation but no sexual harassment that I remember. Just abject terror and an over bearing sense of helplessness and doom. I struggle with emotional memory and get triggered by things I don't even understand. So many of us going through the same torment! Would be great if we could have a convention and become an army. If I won the lottery I'd set up a TV station for victims of abuse to name and shame their families. The law suites would be massive 🤣
I've been there. Very similar situation to you. It was the golden child oldest brother. I am no contact with the whole lot of them for my mental survival.
My sister used to tell me that my mother cried when I was born and didn’t want to see me. And my mother never denied it, nor did she stop her from using that as a way to engage with me.
Well, 6 min in, realized this one is something to take in segments.
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Oh. I had a therapist who insisted I had childhood trauma and I kept saying "yeah my older sister abused the heck out of me"... And my therapist would say... "But you have childhood trauma". I didn't understand that my therapist wasn't discussing it because she didn't see it as a thing.
Mental abuse runs in my family. The main person is my second older brother. He has a habit of saying I'm not normal, because I like to be alone. For me, being introverted was from being bullied my whole life. Til this day, I still have to hear his mouth about not having a girlfriend, and not having friends. For me, I couldn't stick up for myself, because my brothers big. And my brother knows that people are scared of him
This was the most difficult video to listen to. Respect to anyone who thrives after this type of abuse. And respect for Patrick for working with this devastating dynamic. Thankful for this safe place to share and support - even as it is virtual.
It was my younger sister. She'd bait and antagonize me into a reactive abuse situation so she could get comfort and love from my mother. Stealing money, taking my journal to school, listening to phone conversations. She was the popular one in the neighborhood and I was the odd one out, constantly bullied and tormented by her and her friends. But somehow my parents, mostly mom, never saw or chose not to see it and cast me as the abuser. Not allowed to have v boundaries and if I tried I was made to be wrong for it. I finally started exploding from all the torment and that only fueled the vicious circle. They still claim I was the abusive one, which i believed until my 40s when i learned about reactive abuse. Then everything clicked
That’s really rough. I’m sorry your family was unable to support you and believe you. I have distanced myself from my family. Safer but lonely and still disappointed that I didn’t have the blessings of family
@SameSameButDifferent ! actually I didn't have clarity until recently. I actually ended up brainwashed for years into believing it was all my fault and I had ruined my family somehow.
This was exactly what happened to me but it was my younger 'golden child' brother...he would physically as well as verbally abuse me. He was 5'10 at 15 and could easily manipulate ny narc mother as well as be manipulated himself by her. He was very impulsive and at some point I think the physical abuse was sometimes a request from my narc mother as a form of punishment .
That's what my younger brother did to me. He tormented me in every way until I hit him, then I was in trouble and he was the victim. And I have fairly ordinary parents, but they couldn't have handled that worse if they'd tried.
My younger sisters are so used to seeing my parents ill-treat me that they think it's ok to treat me(their eldest sis) the same way until now. It's different from the norm of the older siblings doing the bullying that's why no one believes or supports me. It took various unexplained illnesses before I realized I had to cut off the entire extended family.
Same. My little sister was BPD like my mom but also histrionic and sociopathic. She saw the way mom manipulated me and followed suit. She broke my toys on purpose from a very young age, which my mother never believed because she was barely a toddler, but I could see the look in her eyes when she did it, staring me down to watch my reaction and then delighting when I'd get upset. It was creepy. She was constantly trying to wear down my boundaries and she'd steal my stuff and laugh about it, or break my stuff and try to hide it. As an adult, she'd trauma bond me by ignoring me for months, then suddenly want to hang out, then she'd ignore me again, all the while I'm trying to recover from childhood and build a close relationship with her. After 10 years of that she admitted she never liked me and was lying the whole time. Then came the psychotic paranoia about things that never happened. Towards the end, the sudden rages started. So glad that's over now, but yeah, little sisters can absolutely be the aggressors. I'm not saying I never retaliated or bullied her since my parents did encourage that (I was allowed to hit her if I asked her to stop annoying me 3 times, and I did the "you're adopted" thing from time to time) but all in all, I was the one taking care of her because I was defacto babysitter and she was making my life hell.
What motivates the older sibling, probably 1) a loss of attention or, 2) a sense of being replaced(and not good enough) and the resentment which results. The desire to destroy the new child to either get rid of him(to regain the attention) or to wreck him(to show his parents, like, "see what you replaced me with") are, I think, the underlying motives. You could see how the arrival of a second child is like a traumatic abuse of the first child. Parents need to be wise enough to protect and teach their kids on this issue.
I'm struggling accepting my sister's ways as being abusive. Even though my therapist has used that word. Everything she did she did with a smile. Everything was passed off as a joke. She'd pick apart the kids show we younger kids were watching, pointing out why they were dumb. She'd ask about what we were wearing or doing, seemingly looking for us to take any stand that she could poke fun at. But it wasn't framed as teasing. Even in my own mind. It was her having really specific tastes and "teaching" us to not be silly or make better sense. It felt like have Microsoft word spell check on your whole life. Constant red squiggly underline on everything you did or liked. Anyway, sorry. I'm rambling. I know this was abusive. But videos like this never describe abuse like this. It makes it hard to accept.
My brother did the same. I was critiqued for everything I did. Always. And I never knew when it was coming, but because most of the time I wasn’t doing anything, it was anything he could find… the way I was breathing, how long it took to turn a page while reading, the way I was sleeping, etc. My parents thought it was normal “teasing” and kids fighting, but I was being picked apart. It is like “spell check” always there. I wasn’t ever able to just be myself or just EXIST. Now as an adult, I’m so self-conscious, have no self-esteem, and am a huge people pleaser.
I’m still in the healing process, my older brother sexually abused me when I was 13 which is over 40 years ago. Never told anyone until 7 years ago which left me in a very dark place. Just glad he is not in our life’s anymore even tried going through the courts for justice but they didn’t have enough evidence. But I know my future is going to be a lot rosier.
I was the older sister and I was abusive to my little brother when I was a child. We are 3 years apart. I've had so much guilt about it as I've become an adult. I'm 32 today. I was corporally punished, my little brother was not. There was alot of jealousy on my part... My mom was the raging drunk narcissist. I've made amends to him, he says he doesn't remember but I remember.
At least you are sorry about it, that means a lot, trust me. My abusive older brother would never admit anything and blame everyone else that it was ok to be abusive to me.
Me too. I wish so much I could Go back in time and treat my brother better...I was a Child/teenager too, but I see that I hurt him more than he realizes 😭😭😭 what can I do for him now?
As a kid who was on the receiving end of it, I haven’t forgotten it’s hard to tbh. Either he covered it up and it bit him later on or he simply genuinely forgot.
@@kiriume that’s sad my sibling doesn’t remember thanks to his time in the army. It’s like a blessing and a curse. He doesn’t remember ok fine… but I want my justice u k? I am still healing cause I write above it a lot.
This was my relationship with my older sister. She terrorized me. A lot of physical abuse and also emotional abuse. One thing my sister does currently is taking my experiences and making them her own. She will remember things that happened to me and retell them as if they happened to her. Others have confirmed this because I thought I was going crazy. What is that all about?
Rewriting history! My vessel of entry loves to do this. I believe she has a personality disorder. Narc/Borderline.Very painful. I have been "No Contact" with my family of origin for over 10 years. Many many tears shed.
Same my older sister emotionally abused me for years ,I'm just coming to terms with it . What is hard for me to deal with is that she did everything on purpose to hurt and humiliate me.
@@vantasiaaway I think gaslight would be more of her sister making her think the abuse never happened, not actually pretending it happened to her? Gaslighting is more mocking. I think her sister actually thinks it was her childhood, like a BPD.
My mom just stood by and actually made up excuses for my brother calling it "brotherly love". Well that brotherly love made me start self harming and got me addicted to it. Now I'm stuck with physical and mental scars as a permanent reminder. I feel like my only escape is just sleeping, so I want to sleep forever.
Thanks. The hardest thing for me is that others certainly go thru much worse abuse. That doesn't make the abuse I underwent nothing. But it does make it harder to address.
It's interesting how television normalizes sibling abuse as well. It's looked at as normal, funny, or even as a form of love. Think about shows from the 90s especially home improvement, step by step, most nickelodeon shows. One of the worse today's diary of a whimpy kid.
Sibling abuse is rarely addressed. As the youngest of three I have early memories of my older siblings being physically abused by my mom, but I myself was not physically abused by her. Mom once told me that I would cry if she just 'looked at me cross eyed,' so I think I was more sensitive & made her feel too guilty. I also have early memories of really cruel & systemic reactive abuse by my middle sibling who was 5 years older. She knew she could drive me into a temper tantrum. Eventually I would go mental & fly at her & she would grab me by the wrists & hold me at arms length while I writhed & struggled. She would smile, laugh, call me a freak. Etc. I remember telling mom "Older Sibling is being mean to me," but I didn't have the vocabulary to explain better. Mom was like, you are being a tattle tale. If you come to me complaining about your sibling, then I will punish both of you. And so I learned that I shouldn't expect loved ones to have my back. I'm at peace with it now, I understand that ultimately my parents are to blame. But it's still validating to have it addressed. Thank you.
I had the exact same experiences re being told not to tattle tale. Absolutely devastating, along with so many other devaluing or invisibalizing incidents from 2 older siblings and 2 narcissistic, Unengaged parents. I’ve only realized the depth of the emotional abuse & narcissistic behaviour patterns in my family in the last year. I’m 48 now, never been married & chose not to have my own children because I knew I wasn’t emotionally stable enough myself, and I also knew my family was never going to provide any level of support. I have lived with a terrible dark shadow over me and a pervasive sadness that I could never shake. I’m finally understanding why. Thank god for these videos...and for people like you sharing your stories. Bless You.
@@awhite7596 God bless you…we all share your stories. In the depth of your darkness, know that we are all there with you! In my darkest hours, I have prayed the prayer of Michael the Archangel, to embolden me against evil that prowls the earth seeking the destruction of souls. I am not particularly religious, but I have said this prayer in my darkest hours, and it has kept me alive🎉🎉🎉🎉
I watched this expecting to get insight on abuse from one sibling, and left with the realization of another. It is so incredibly hard for me to talk about the trauma from my siblings. I can hardly even touch on it in therapy. It feels worse than abuse from my father because that is something so many people can understand, but emotional and sexual abuse from siblings…I feel so much shame and fear everyday. Thank you for this video and the work you do!
I can't believe how much of a Saint my older brother was that he didn't end up resorting to this. Our parents' aggressor / codependent dynamic brought us closer together rather than tearing us apart. My husband was primarily abused by his older sister and one of my best friends was abused by her entire family (they both watched this with me). I was so blessed. RIP Scott, you are the epitome of what big brothers should be.
Older brother undiagnosed and untreated/supported autism spectrum, abused me. Parents (father psychologist) LOVED to say "sibling rivalry," but it was abuse. Father and mother neglectful (open marriage, both pursuing outside relationships), mother abusive of brother. I was the one who was parentified -- everyone's counselor. Recipe for a mess.
My older sister locked me in the garden shed and then set fire to it, a neighbour saw the flames and ran to our house knocked on door to tell my dad the shed on fire, she did not get into any trouble!
God how horrifying. I don't think I could EVER have forgiveness or trust for the sis and quite possibly the parents. That's way too overboard an action. Seriously traumatizing for decades. I hope life is better for you now..
If I did that mom would at least scold me and punish me for this. I don’t understand why some parents can’t be parents I see this everywhere I go. Usually it’s the kids fault like they are wining and tired and start to cry and the parents yell at them tell them to shut up ( most of the time at my happy place wdw) it breaks my heart
She should’ve been committed to the sane asylum for evaluation. I’m sorry that happened to you. But it’s strange how parents just overlook the very disturbing behavior of their abusive children.
Hi Patrick. Can you please make more videos on what it is like to parent in a healthy way for those of us who grew up in unhealthy families and have no frame of reference of how things should be like.
I agree. What does a healthy family even look like…? I’m in trauma therapy unraveling the root causes of my CPTSD, and I am having to scrap everything I thought I knew was good and safe. It’s exhausting… 😮💨
I broke down when you said I believe you. You have the right to be sad and mad on this. It so validated my feelings that was denied again and again from my parents and both older brothers
My oldest brother I finally cut out of my life. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but hes an awful person. As kids, he would put me in head locks and choke holds while I cried and screamed. He would have my other brother hold my arms back while he told me "come on punch me, oh that's right you cant, because you're a girl and you're weak". He would grab my stomach and call me "chung" and fat. He would lock me in a dark closet while I screamed because I was scared of the dark. He would always laugh. As adults, the minute he got a girlfriend he flipped the switch and became super nice. I thought maybe he just grew up. I found out his girlfriend said "oh I always wanted a little sister". So he used me. Recently he broke up with his girlfriend for another woman, and his behavior instantly changed. He kept ignoring me, said I was the worst sister and spoiled, he didnt invite me to his wedding, and the worst thing...he murdered his cat. Beat him with a rock because he "didnt want to pay money at the vet" even though we offered to pay. I've now accepted I was abused and my brother is an evil person and I'm better off without him.
My poor older sister was a horrible bully. She stole tax money from me, told me I was ugly and no man would have me, hit me, and basically acted like a jerk our teen years. I say"poor" though, because as mean as she was, my dad beat her more than me. She always got the worst of the beatings as I was better at keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes she would intentionally try to make him focus on herself, and tell me to go hide in our room. She was strangely protective of me, but was also oddly cruel. When dad got at me, she'd comfort me after. But if I tried to be there for her, to hold her if she was crying, she'd lash out at me, tell me it's my fault he hits us anyway. Scratched me up a few times till I bled. I could never tell if she loved me or hated me. To this day it's still a mystery. She acts like we could best friends (my lifelong dream)...but hates everything about me. If I dare think differently, even on something trivial like saying I don't care for a movie or something, she disowns me, tells me I'm not allowed to see my nieces ever again. Then a few weeks later sends me friendly memes. I have no idea what's going on with her, and I'm never sure how to act around her, or what would set her off. I still wish we could be friends though. I don't think it will ever happen. She loves me, but my very presence just triggers so much rage in her after a while, even if I try hard not to say anything controversial or too opinionated, she'll get mad over something as stupid as not wanting to dye my hair, or saying I want to try a new career. She's a mystery to me.
You are talking about my sister, the same. She used to bully me but protect me from others, except for her boyfriend.She teamed up with him and bullied me with pleasure. Also she could not get along well with my father either, but now they are better than me.I'm sure i am the scapegoat of the family. She insistently invites me her home, says she misses me and when we meet she gets angry whatever I say and does not look at my face.if i say i'm going, she offends or gets angry.I wonder if these could be borderline traits? (sorry if i couldn't explain, english is my second language )
She sounds like she has borderline traits. There is a good book called Walking on Eggshells. As strange as this sounds, when someone has shame about loving or needing someone, and feels inadequate themselves, he or she will project that onto that person, often with abusive behavior. So sorry for your difficult experiences and that loss of the relationship you hoped for. Can totally relate. As adults, we can choose good friends that can become like healthier family.
I can speak on this a bit… Having been the abused child and then growing up and having my own children. My older sister got the brunt of the verbal abuse. We were both sexually molested and/or raped in childhood. I was the bossy, over-protective mom figure to my two younger brothers, but I also resented that they got things better than me and my older sibs did. Our two youngest brothers are 7 & 8 years younger than me, and they’re the only two who have managed to move out and become financially independent. One had to work hard for everything, the other had it all basically handed to him because he was naturally smart, but he was also willing to do the work, in very particular areas. I love my little brothers. I would berate them and “parent” them, because I was intelligent enough to see how our family system worked and I didn’t want them to get hurt like the rest of us, because I love them. I resent my parents for not being the parents and for me having to be the bigger person out of my entire family (at times) when I was the 4th out of 6 children. There’s probably a lot of mixed emotions going on for your sister, and one of those is obviously love, or y’all wouldn’t have any kind of connection or feel safe to even try. It could also be a trauma bond and you both may not even really have anything in common or any kind of connection because of everything y’all endured. It’s basically like y’all were two captives trying to navigate the kidnapper’s schemes and abuse while trying to protect each other and yet protect yourselves. Mind F-ery, to be sure.
Really remarkable to see a supportive video about this at 48 years old, when as a child your sibling roughs you up every day after school, wrecks your self esteem, scares the crap out of you, and parents say, "That's just how brothers show thier love...you're being too sensitive" . Thank you so much for this validation and support, Patrick!! So happy things are changing and you are one of the guides.
My father was 45 when I was conceived. Three years later he started dying from aplastic anemia (no immune system, basically). I was three, brother six. After he died, my mother and brother blamed me for his death. My dad caught a cold in the hospital and never recovered. When I was in my 40's, my aunt told me he caught the cold from me. (Thanks for telling me that!) My brother was jealous of my existence from the day I was born. My dad's death capped it. At 50, I cut ties with my only sibling. (Mother passed when I was 30.) I have never been happier. They both were manipulative and gas-lighting. It was emotional abuse/neglect. My brother always played the victim and my mother supported that act forever. My brother ended up marrying a woman 20 years older who was divorced with kids. I decided as a young child that this so-called "family/married life" was too horrible and not for me. Never married, no kids. Just coming to grips with how it all came down . My dad's sister told me that I was the apple of my dad's eye. I was never loved by anyone else after he died. I'm content now. I'm ok.
The damage that is done by this type of abuse is just crushing. I was sexually molested by an older brother for many years. The family knew and did nothing. I went no contact for decades. When I eventually resumed limited contact, I was taunted by another brother who coolly informed me that I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me. Something died in me that day. I realized that the nightmare of my childhood was far worse that I could ever have imagined. They were all irrevocably contaminated. There would be no contrition or remorse from these soulless monsters.
Of all the therapists I've seen from age 18-35, none have made me feel more seen, validated, and understood than the few videos of yours I've watched thus far. I am just blown away! Thank you.❤
I'm shocked by how accurate this is. My narcissistic mother upheld my older brother as the golden child, and me (female) as the scapegoat. As long as I can remember I've been compared to others in a negative way despite being a total overachiever in education, sports and arts. My brother on the other hand could do no wrong despite being a fairly normal kid. He was a calm kid initially, but around age 10-12 he started getting extremely abusive towards me, finding any reason to punch or dominate me. He was never abusive to anyone else in the family or outside the house. I can now clearly see that he was emulating my mother's behavior, as she was verbally and physically abusive towards me too. She never really made any attempts to stop my brother and explain why what he did was wrong. When we both went to university my room was instantly made into my mother's office and all my things were thrown out, and my brother's room was kept intact like a shrine. Naturally after graduation I didn't feel like I had anywhere to come back to, so I plunged head-first into my career. My brother was lured back home by our mother saying he needs some rest after studying and that he can look for a job from home. Then, when I was doing my first job and renting a small room in London I told my brother that he can come stay with me and I will help him look for a job. It only took him a week to beat me up because he didn't like the music I was listening to, and have me call the police on him. After that incident our mother told me that she hated me and I am not her daughter. We are now both in our 30s, I have an extremely successful career, but am miserable and single because I have trust issues and cannot let anyone close to myself. My brother is still unemployed and living at home in his childhood bedroom with his mental health getting increasingly worse. Every time he has tried to start a job our mother has encouraged him to quit and stay at home. I, on the other hand, am now mostly used as a source of money, while still being compared to others in a negative way (now emphasising the fact that I'm not married and don't have children). I really don't know how to work on this situation, as it is absolutely impossible to have any logical and honest conversations with my mother. I also want to help my brother, but don't know how, it feels like he is a prisoner under my mother's guard. I even send him some CBT books that my therapist recommended just to have my mother throw them away...
You are still young, unmarried and don't have kids to hold you where you are....run! Cut your toxic family off and start over with your life. You will be 100% happier for it, I promise! No contact, ever again!
I am sorry you suffered so as a child. My first thought is that you have a "devouring mother." She doesn't let your brother grow up, she denies him a real life. You, on the other hand, know who you are and have your own life. Well done!
You can’t save them all. Sometimes, you have to look out for yourself. Your brother will have to make his own choices. By abusing you, he’s made it. Don’t let them take advantage of your kindness. Your mom sounds a lot like mine.
You can feel sorry for them while NOT sending them money. They will never stop "needing" your money as long as you are willing to give it to them. The moment you stop, that's when they will find their own way of getting money. For example, your brother sticking with a job. You're enabling your mother to encourage him to quit his jobs.
Here! I’m the smallest but oldest bullied by my younger brother. Not to the extent I’d consider it abuse but after this video kind of validated some his behavior and how it made me feel. I would get in trouble for biting him since that was the only thing I could do to defend myself but because he was/is ADD he never seemed to get in much trouble.
You aren’t alone I was punched pinned down had hair ripped out. Me and my friends were chased and terrorized my younger sister would almost break down doors to get to me she gaslighted manipulated and humiliated me.
[raises hand] both of my younger sisters parroted our mother, who shows signs of narcissism and sociopathy :/ im older than the youngest by 5 years, which isnt the biggest age difference, but its big enough for no one to have believed my cries for help. you're not alone
I'm currently trying to figure out if I have been/am being abused by my younger sibling. On the one hand, they're not as physically dangerous as when they were younger, and not _every_ situation turns manipulative anymore. On the other hand, I'm at the point where I get panicky with them just being in my bedroom because they've so often blocked the exit and occasionally clawed at me when I tried to get out. I can't tell if I'm exaggerating the problems in my memory or if things are actually that frequent/bad.
Thank you so much for this. My older brother was very physically abusive to me, as in regular beatings whenever I upset him in the slightest way. I'd show up to school covered in bruises with a black eye, and the teachers would be all concerned and ask if my father did it- and when I told them it was my brother, they'd shrug and tell me it was normal for siblings to fight. Siblings may argue, but my brother beating the shit out of me regularly wasn't an "arguement", and it made no difference to my body if it was my brother or my dad or anyone else who beat me up. But people are just convinced that sibling abuse isn't a thing, and the idea of "siblings just fight" is so ingrained that people can't see beyond what is an argument and what is abuse. Abuse is one-sided, ongoing, and damaging. I never hurt my brother, not once, I probably wouldn't have if I could've. Even if I had, that would not excuse what he did. I can only imagine how much worse it is for people who were abused in less obvious ways by their siblings, in terms of denial. Considering the emotional abuse my father put me through was more damaging for me than all that physical abuse, and I have a lot of trouble accepting what he did- I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with sibling abuse that isn't so blatant as mine was. We survived and will continue to survive. You're all doing amazing to be here at all if you're reading this comment. And to Patrick- you're doing amazing work and helping countless people in immeasurable ways. I hope you know that.
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I have a much older sibling who always played tricks on me and manipulated me all the time. It was horrible! Plus, I had to grow up in a blended family with toxic parents. My life was a nightmare growing up in the narcissistic family system. I finally had enough and went no contact with my entire family.
I went to an energy healer and she kept saying “your throat chakra is struggling, sweetie. What’s silencing you?” I never made the connection to the abuse. Thank you 🖤
Singing might help, would be best to do it on constant basis. And it might be necessary to support the thyroid - nutrition, supplements and check once in a while, whether it over- or underfunctions. Also because I believe in God, I would stay away from energy healers. Look at a few videos where the people who went from New age to Jesus go deeper into their former profession/hobby and explain a lot of it.
@@TheShamuraja I used to believe that. But I know organized religion is a scam. GOD created energy and its not magic , but a holistic (as in all natural) thing not magic. I still am against delving into anything related to magic though. Oh heck no.
I’m not crying, you’re crying 😢. Finally, someone who has the courage to speak to this type of abuse many of us experienced. I would love to see more in-depth discussions. Another element I’d like to share is how in our dysfunctional families one or both parents can “check out” and either literally not be able to remember what was happening right underneath their noses or they choose not to. My mother knew something was going on with my brother who is five years older than me and what bullying he was acting out toward me. Eventually this went too far and he molested me. I had no one to turn to because my mom would complain to my dad that I was complaining and then my dad (who back then drank a lot) would take it out on me with words and physical aggression. My brother did not physically assault me again until I was a teenager but he most certainly said and did other things that were incredibly inappropriate sexually. When I was a teenager and he came after me for what I thought would be something even more serious, I swung the canister vacuum out him and hit him in the head in self-defense. I was screaming at him. Not only did I have Jekyll and Hyde in my father but I never knew on any given day if or when my brother would come after me. I could not wait to get out of the house and go away to college. The pattern you described fits my family as well with my brother being five years older than me. No other siblings. At the time he weighed about 280 pounds at 6‘5“ tall before he lost about 75 pounds. But still, a looming aggressive figure in the household. On top of that, as you also stated, he would deliberately cause pain in other ways. As if to rub things in my face and make me feel bad. Besides his day job, on weekends he worked as a bouncer at the major performing arena in our major metropolitan city. He knew who my favorite band was of all time. He used to get tickets and backstage passes to anybody he wanted. I woke up one Saturday morning and on the kitchen counter there were two unused backstage passes for my favorite group. Guess when the concert was? The night before. He would do things like that as if to say gotcha. In our family system, my mother was the child, I was the adult and peacekeeper, my brother was the troublemaker and my drinking dad was the breadwinner around whom our entire family revolved. There were times my father would even drive around in our station wagon with the family while drinking in open can of beer. What a mess. 50 years later in my mother swears she never remembers my dad doing this. That’s consistent with her dissociation and major gaps in memory of memories too difficult to hold onto. But not for me. Counseling in my 50s has helped tremendously. Only my therapist knows about this stuff and now those of you reading. I still don’t know if I will ever be able to share what happened with those close to me although I think they would be very supportive and listening and encouraging. I’m sure I’m not alone as millions of other people around the world have gone through this sort of trauma. The shame I have held onto all of these years has been incredible. It’s as if we carried the shame that should have been placed on the shoulders of the responsible party, the abuser. Again, thank you for putting this topic out front. I really sincerely hope you will have one or more follow up sessions. I’m going to check out the book you recommended. Sounds like a good one.
Whew. I think I've done more healing work with your videos than at any point in years of therapy, diagnosis, medication, and hospitalizations. It's so fucking important what you are doing, I just can't express it enough. I appreciate you so much.
Thanks for believing me! It was my little sister that was so abusive, all through childhood and into adulthood. My family won't talk about it because they don't want to get involved or pick sides, which means I get blamed equally for what happened. Thankfully my sister discarded me so I don't have to deal with her trauma bonding and psychotic thinking anymore, but it was really painful to deal with that blow on my own and have to watch my family get together with her from afar and not be invited. I've since learned to cope and try to let it go. It was never about me, anyway.
This is my experience. My extended family thinks she's so much fun. I told everyone at one function and many family members told me to ignore it. Now I know why I made sure to not go to family gatherings and now I refuse to go unless my partner goes with me and will protect me from her. I blocked her number and I'm now working through the grief that my family isn't what I thought they would be. It hurts even more being Caribbean and Latina because in those cultures you just don't let family get to you. You always make time for gatherings and you never have a sad face and you act like them and not like a weird person. But I can't. I can't lie to myself. I just need to get the acceptance stage of grief already.
The lack of reaction and enabling from my parents bothers me till this day. I was big for my age so it was mostly verbal from two older and one younger, but phrases like "You were adopted" or "I hope/wish you were adopted" were common and never corrected by my mother. I was witty enough to clap back but of course when I did my parents would step in and reprimand me. Naturally that double standard and mistreatment caused my siblings to go harder because "you don't have feelings" and I would be "the trouble child" just reacting verbally to three siblings on one. Now they tell me "They're scared of me" because they've slandered me so much to each other they're convinced I'm a maniacal villain. To this day my entire family blames me for how I acted as a child, and literally laughs at me when I point out obvious mistreatment, of course they did nothing wrong. "Come to me and or your father when you have trouble with your siblings!" Oh, but I would. And after a few rounds of "ask your mother ask your father" I would handle the situation myself, and then of course that's when they get away form the respective TV and computer screen and deal with it and of course I was the one who got punished. It's blows my mind how reasonable I became as an adult despite everything, I've come so far in healing. Thank you for articulating this.
BTW, this sickens me… I get it totally! God bless you…exact same story for me…you don’t have to do anything to be loved! Just hang around, do what occurs to you, and that’s it. End of story❤️
Thank you for this. Older brother is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He’s a narcissist with ASD traits. I was always brushed off for being “sensitive” and was discouraged from sharing “family secrets”. It’s been 3 years since I went no contact. Entire extended family and mother shamed and judged me until they followed suit the following year. Unfortunately, I had a falling out with all of them due to my mother ‘s scapegoating, but I haven’t felt better!
“Children abuse each other when their needs are not met”. Thank you Patrick for validating this truth. It doesn’t excuse the abuse we received but it does shed light on possible root cause of our abusers’ motive. I internalized a lot of the abuse as though it was my fault somehow. It also allows me to understand my own hurtful reactions to the family dysfunction where I acted out. Thank you for your helpful and enlightening videos.
Just the idea that siblings can be abusive is profound. I had two sisters that were over a decade older than me who were the acting parental figures. My sisters expected me to have the maturity of a teenager and looked down on me for being immature. I was made to feel ashamed for being a child. I was always made to feel weird. My parents never stepped in to correct their behaviour towards me. No wonder I had and still have poor self esteem. I still lack a sense of belonging.
What you described - being ridiculed for not acting far older than your age - was the core of my trauma. Even after graduating high school valedictorian and getting into college on a full ride, my older siblings called me “Buster” (a la Arrested Development) into my mid-20s to infantilize me. Thankfully they both apologized, and they are not like that at all anymore, but it sucked having such an unhappy first 30-ish years of life. What they did was based on what they perceived as parental favoritism, which I totally understand given our context. However, I’m only just now starting to feel like I have a right to my own opinions, and to take credit for any success in life instead of attributing it to luck.
I seriously think your videos are going to be used and talked about for centuries. No. Joke. Like you need some kind of award! The collection you've made is epic!!!!
Thank you so much for making this video! My older brother was incredibly abusive. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I remember locking myself in my room for hours out of the day, until someone came home. He would eat my food until none was left, I would remain hungry for hours. My parents never addressed his mental health issues, and didn’t care about my cries for help.
Well been there, my brother used to hit me everyday, yell at me, even kick me on the stomach, i tried to tell my mom recently after so many years and my mom ended up saying i should have gone to the police and started putting a show almost fainting and saying that i should let things go :(
I wish I would've found your channel sooner, your videos are really helpful. About half a year ago I cut off contact with my mother and my brother after moving out and finally being able to process a lot of stuff that has happened. My parents divorced when I was arround 7/8, and me and my siblings stayed with my mother which ended up in a lot of manipulation, badmouthing my father and lack of care/attention. Me and my siblings all had different results because of that. My brother (4 years older) would cause trouble to get attention from my mother, like picking on kids in school, starting fights with my mother and bullying me or sometimes my sister. A lot of the times when my brother would hit me, my mother would laugh about it or ignore it. Same went for emotional abuse. That all together with being bullied in school until I was arround 15, made me feel insanely lonely and after seing other kids get along with their family and classmates I started blaming myself for my situation. Originally I was ready to forgive my brother for the emotional and phisical abuse, even though it is still pretty recent (I'm 20 and the abuse started getting less frequent when I was 17, but never really stopped.). He was just a kid that wanted to feel noticed and didn't have the perspective of what long term problems his actions can cause. It would have been my mother's responsibility to step in and "protect" me. At the end, when I cut off contact with my mother, he started a huge argument saying that I'm weak for being this affected by what he has done to me and then saying that we are no longer brothers anymore, which I am kind of glad for by now to be honest. (sry for dropping a giant essay like that in a comment. I just wanted to write this down to kind of reflect on this topic. I tried getting a therapist to properly deal with this, but in the last couple months my lack of motivation and my substance abuse have became bigger problems, which ironically enough made getting the work done to get help way harder for me.)
I used to cry and ask my brother why he hurt me so horribly and he’d say “bc I’m the man of the house.” My father was an workaholic and constantly sleeping around/absent. After confronting my father about what happened growing up, he said “well I don’t know what you wanted me to do. I beat his ass a few times bc of how he treated you.” Like ah yes. Because beating your child for abusing your other child is going to teach them anything other than “it’s okay to hurt the people you ‘love’ - anyway thank you for this video. It truly meant so much to be validated in this way. It makes me feel so heartbroken that even though I was constantly begging for help, no one looked out for me and helped. I have so many resentments because life could’ve been so much easier for me in my adult life. I’ve been working on healing for 7 years and still am struggling so much.
Thank you for believing and your support. Nobody believed me when I was there growing up surrounded by narcissists. I never want to hear from them again or see them! And I can never forgive them either.
I've been wondering, almost worrying, about how much my three children are squabbling, especially with being stuck with only each other during all the lockdowns, online school, etc. But none of what they're doing is like this. More just getting annoyed by each other "he's breathing on me!" or when they physically fight there's definitely a line they don't want to cross and if someone actually gets hurt there's a lot of remorse. I guess we're all having cabin fever. And it's difficult with three, as someone is often left out. Hopefully as long as it's not always the same person, it will be okay. I'm grateful for my mom's hard work to give me and my sister a less abusive family than she grew up with, and I'm trying to do even better for my children.
Also, just recently discovered that I am on the spectrum. This is giving me a much needed flood of suppressed memories, allowing me to really get to the origin of all the stuff.
I'm on that journey myself, it's a reframing of absolutely everything and opened some things up that I had thought were resolved. It's a lot, but very hopeful to be finally operating with true authenticity and self-understanding. There are good online support communities for late-diagnosed autistic people if you're not already connected, they're very validating.
I cannot thank you enough for this. My sister terrorized me in every way you can imagine, sexual, emotional, physical. She was cruel beyond imagination. She is 2 years older than me and she hated me and was delighted to cause me pain. My father totally ignored it and blamed me equally if he had to somehow see it and my mother encouraged it because she picked my sister as her golden child and substitute partner. I hate my sister and until today i feel terrified of her. I went no contact 2 years ago, with all of them, and have been healing ever since. There is very little info out there on sibling abuse so i really am grateful for your video. Finally someone is talking about it, acknowledging and validating the pain of the abused sibling. Thank you.
One of the more frustrating things is I was the oldest (by 7 years) of 5 kids. My oldest brother was incredibly violent towards me, but I often had to watch all of the younger kids most days. This brother would scream in the ears of the toddlers, he would throw thing, hit, pinch, pull hair, bring out weapons, threaten arson etc. But he was the golden child. I was always the one to speak up and tell the truth, so I was the scapegoat. My parents never cared or really believed anything. They'd insist it's my fault (that he acted exactly like his dad when there was no one around who had any real authority), and that I'm just trying to agitate him to get him in trouble. He's been doing these things since before he could walk. Pinching me and then taking delight that I would get in trouble for being upset by it and just generally it didn't matter what he did, he didn't get in trouble because he "showed respect" to the parents and would act really guilty and apologetic the few times his temper flared up at them. He was "the good one". When I was 7-8 my stepdad used to lock me outside of the house all the time. Presumably to make sure I don't end up waking up the baby. But suddenly it's criminal and abusive for me to lock that violent kid outside for 20 minutes to protect 3 other much smaller kids?? Anyway it was really telling because anytime I visited my dad (2-3 times a year) my brother would get very emotional and clingy and make a total 180 on his personality where he wanted us to be friends and wanted me to be around. Because when I'm not there the parental abuse did often fall on him, and he lost his safe punching bag. This really went to some extremes when I was 18 and he was 12. The laundry room was just the far end of the kitchen, and he was doing laundry while I was putting dishes away. He got upset about something and threw a laundry basket at me, knocking me almost down and disorienting me. But I lunged forward soon after, and he had been running towards me to start punching while I was on the ground. He was not prepared for me to have not fully fallen, and to even be in a position to physically confront him, so he turned right around and ran into the corner by the washing machine. His dad comes in from outside and just starts screaming about how much of a risk I am to his kids, and called the cops on me, telling them that his young child is cowering in the corner while his adult stepdaughter is holding a knife over him and he doesn't know what's happening but he's just so scared of what that means. The cops came and talked to everyone and evaluated my injuries. Even my brother admitted that he was the only person to actually do any of the violence and that I never really hit back anyway. So the cops came away telling the parents they just need to beat that kid more. Also around that time it came out that he was sexually abusing a younger brother. And where my mom drilled into me that if I was to be sexually abused that would turn me into an abuser and turn myself into a target for more abuse and that my life would pretty much be over (one of many reasons I never told her about any of the sexual abuse), but with him actually abusing kids, it was just "oh he was abused, he needs therapy to learn about appropriate sexual behavior" When I was being completely written off as a terrible person for having even a basic trauma response to my stepdad breaking my collar bone or really anything else going on. I moved out about a year later. And my brother insisted everything just got a lot better after that. But soon got expelled for bringing a knife to school. Then became homeless because my mom couldn't handle his violence and he "became" too much of a risk to the younger kids. But you know they still have to live with and respect their father that modeled and normalized the violent abuse and misogyny to begin with. And to top it all off, I'm white. My stepdad is mexican. All my siblings are latine. And the fact that I went no contact, the fact that I was sensitive to the abuse and violence, and that I would regularly point out that he was the source of the issue only served to further alienate me. To rally my siblings behind this whole glorification of abuse as being "latine culture" and any issues taken being "whiny white girl stuff". Only white people cut off toxic family, good latine people know it's the child's job to just bear the brunt of abuse and generational trauma and maybe heal the parents, or at least value family enough to not throw it away or rip it apart because of personal feelings. And all this other bullshit that is clearly just trying to rationalize about why it isn't actually that bad and why it's actually right to blame me for everything bad in the family (with some splattering of blame also landing on my mom. But never their father).
As someone who was neglected by my (divorced) parents and emotionally/physically abused by my older sister, this hit home for me. Thank you so much. I know I have a lot of work to do to heal from this, but finally having this acknowledged is such a relief.
I’m about to get to the blocked memories of horrendous sexual abuse by my oldest brother. And yes, he was very messed up, and my parents knew that, and they did nothing to protect the rest of us, especially me, from him and his sadism. When I did try to get hrlp, by telling my mother, she said I was lying. I just recently confronted her about this-while she was begging for reconciliation-and her response was to shout at me that I am required to forgive her because I need that for myself. “Yes, mother, I can see that, how you’re just demanding forgiving because you want the best for me .... and of course, you want me to shut up and not talk about what he did to me-on your watch.” She’s a lonely old hag anymore, but that still didnt stop her from triangulating and further scapegoating me because I had the audacity to speak the truth. She wants absolution without earning it-without even saying she is sorry I suffered like that, sexually abused and assaulted by her son, over and over again. She’d better hope her religion is wrong and that there is no hell.
My mother tried to say I somehow caused my older brother to abuse me sexually and otherwise. When I pushed back on that, she said he was just curious, sexually. When I asked her what her point was in telling me that, she tried to say it wasn't anyone's fault and bad things jappen to lots of people and why can't I just move on, why do I want to "keep bringing this up"? Anything, everything but acknowledging and taking responsibility for her role in creating the toxic environment. And God forbid anyone would ever, ever require him to acknowledge and take responsibility for being an abusive, exploitative bully - that's just unnecessary and shame on you for even thinking about it! "No Contact, No Fear, No Obligation and No Guilt" has been my salvation
Thank you Patrick. I am in such shambles over sibling and mother abuse, and it gets worse with age. 57 and 25 years NC. I would like to start working on a one to one basis, but my sadness is not dissapating and I will irritate you with my emotions. I will go to your website and schedule an appointment. I am from South Africa, a child of the 70's who have seen so much trauma and carrying so much guilt.
Thank you. I never understood why no one ever stopped her. No one ever said "don't do that to your little sister." I have no relationship with her for 10 years now. It's a relief not to have her in my life. To this day the other siblings don't see it. I'm the bad one, I'm the black sheep.
Wow, so many things described in this video are the story of my childhood. I don't know why I'm so blown away at how spot on your descriptions are. 39 years and I never thought this abuse was so common that you are talking as if you know me and my family. I can't thank you enough.
I tend not to comment on videos, especially with hella personal stuff but I just needed to thank you for this. In my family I have a little brother who has always been abusive and it’s never really been acknowledged. He’s on the spectrum ( but honestly I’m not even sure of that anymore because it’s never talked about and never addressed in anyway ) and that was used as an excuse like “we’ll he doesn’t fully understand what he’s doing” or my favorite (joking) “he just doesn’t know how strong he is he can’t help it”. There have been times I have been genuinely terrified of him and that’s never been addressed. I have 3 very prominent traumatic memories of him and I’m honestly feeling like I made two of them up because of how much they’re dismissed. I’m never supposed to talk about what he’s done because “well it was in the past and he apologized you really need to stop playing the victim already”. But I think we all know how it feels to get that apology that they were definitely forced into and don’t mean at all and then are expected to accept it. It’s all just frustrating but I at least found comfort in how seen I felt in this video and that means a lot to me.
I'm the youngest of 9. My parents could technically have been my grandparents going by their ages. So when I came along, they were pretty tired. I basically had 8 other parents instead of siblings. Not all of them were bad, just certain ones. Both of my parents have passed, and I was one of their caregivers. Been in therapy ever since. 6 years. Just now getting into inner child work. Very painful.
It’s very painful. People don’t often talk about the intense feelings that come from abuse. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD from the terror I experienced from my sibs. Thank God. My doctor said my body was in a constant state of shock. Of course it was…I never knew if I would live or die…new meds; body relaxed…finally❤️
This was my childhood. To a T!! I have never felt so validated. I was crying watching this. Thank you. I needed this video tonight. Thank you for saying “I believe you.” That meant so much to me. I have so much healing to do, but, I’m finally ready to start.
As soon as you said “I believe you”, I nearly started crying.
Me too. It took me by total surprise.
Same here... its not something I hear much
Same… I was like, “Wow… He’s so kind! And he believes me.” Kindness feels… odd to me, sadly.
Me too ❤
Same ;v;
I truly appreciate you addressing this topic. So many people laugh and minimize the trauma older siblings can cause to younger children.
That had been my experience on many fronts. I love that he says this is a neglected topic. And it makes me really pissed off. I'd love to help make it more recognized ... I'd be putting this message on blast.... but it would probably burn my remaining family relationships to the ground.
ONE ELDER SIBLING- plus NEIGHBOUR Boy ... eeek, they were Less than kind to me.
@@carolnahigian9518 💔💔💔
I'd like to proficit the "incest" segment of this video- as someone who experienced it. It is NOT always overtly abusive. We are assuming there are age differences- so when my sister exposed herself and had me and my litle brother expose ourselves, she was FAR more cognitively developed than we were- (she was 3 years older, and females develop a lot faster) THAT was an example of secual abuse because she knew better.
However- me and my little brother, who had only a year between us- there was not a massive cognitive difference between us. When I became sexually curious (at a very young age) due to the curiosity of other boys around me at the time (other abused children in the low-income area) we wanted to explore our secuality- but I didn't want my brother there (for obvious reasons) instead- he threatened and manipulated me to include him, "if you don't let me join- im going to tell on you." the power dynamic between us was not uneven. So gradually we grew secually close to one another as a result- but there was no real power dynamics being shifted- I see it almost like mutual self soothing. It's not abuse to share stuffed animals just because you have a strong emotional connection to that stuffed animal, if anything sharing those emotional connections is a form of processing pain.
So I wanted to just point out that incest isn't always the result of abusive siblings. Children naturally develop sexual curiosity- and if there is an absence of male leadership siblings can take it upon themselves to establish hiearchies through sexual interactions- but between me and my brother- there was absolutely no difference- we might as well have been twins. we were frequently in a boat of "us" vs "them" when it came to my sisters who had endless attention and praise. we were on our own.
@@kaitylerson811Flowers in the Attic
I am the baby of 10 children. Not only did I get abused by each and everyone of them, but I had to grow up hearing that I was “spoiled “ because I was the baby. It’s almost unbelievable what I overcame. ❤
I hear you I was the youngest of six. And also they told me that I was the baby in the family. Never and I mean ever refer to yourself as a baby, give yourself permission to grow up. There are no laws stating that you must remain with your blood to family
I was the youngest of 4, by a larger gap than the first 3 had. Even in my 40s & 50s i was still “the baby” to my mother as well as sibs. Because they experienced more physical violence , they also felt the gap more than it really was. I was always the outsider, & it led me to a life of trying to fit in with them, and other abusive groups. To my youngest sis, 5 yrs older, she came to refer to me as up to 15 yrs younger… and hit me (she was hit), spanked me, blamed me for things she did, & is a kleptomaniac She was always messed up & only got worse as she aged, resented me for wanting to be with her or like her-normal little kid behavior that she humiliated me for. Wanting to fit in with my messed up sibs i got into drugs & drinking even earlier than they had, thinking they’d accept me. Only for a short while tho they continued to just be amused & look down on me… and whenever 2 of them were getting along, i was totally abandoned. Which was the end result in my 50s when the chief abusive parent died…
@@Rain9Quinn thank you so much for sharing that. That feeling of being an outsider makes it more painful, and also gives us the opportunity to focus on our own healing over the years.
Wishing you all the love in the world, and all the healing that your heart needs 💜
I believe you.
For those going through this: I believe you, and more importantly you can and will believe yourself. Listen to that little kid. There is no better feeling than breaking through decades of gaslighting to catching glimpses of freedom. You have to work hard to live in REALITY, and not the lies of your abuser and enabling family members, therapists, and society.
Thanks, Patrick. Toxic family system is an understatement. My brother bullied me my entire childhood and my parents gaslighted me; my mother used the 'religious' approach and told me to forgive my brother, while she never intervened. I still can't help resenting my parents for their complete lack of interest in the situation.
That lack of parental intervention sends a very sad message to kids. My parents were like "let them fight it out", which isn't fine when your the youngest or smallest. I always felt so powerless
I went through the exact same thing.
Exactly the same experience. Mother did nothing and now constantly pushes forgiveness and even looks down on me for not forgiving.
My older brother had the most imaginative ways to torture me - he once told me to look through a keyhole, as he wanted to show me something.. then sprayed furniture polish in my eye from the other side of the keyhole. Narc parents often pit siblings against one another, so that they don’t gang up together against the parent - keeps the kids powerless.
First time I've heard of this concept - thank you for pointing this out, it makes sense
My dad tried to do that. Told my sister I was the talented one,while telling me I wasn't as pretty as her. It was like he wanted us to fight. It didn't work the way he thought though. She hated him so much more than she ever hated me. And I just accepted I was ugly.
@@ElanaVital83 If I may, you're not ugly. Not at all. You are beautiful. I hope and pray you can release that poisonous lie your father raised you with. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
@Tei Hin Her father was trying to triangulate her with her sister for his own narcissistic benefit and supply. Based on Elana's description of events. He wasn't trying to teach her anything. Narcissistic ppl have no empathy or desire to help or teach anyone.
@Tei Hin not really, sorry. He wanted us to value HIS validation over one another. To compete with one another.
There's something about this that hurts deep. Dad hit us both. We should've been on the same side.
Yes! I could never understand that either.
💗🙏💗 praying. I get it. Damn
🙏💞
I'm sorry that happened to you. I couldn't agree more with you about being on the same side, we needed eachother. Unfortunately it seems that's how abused children cope. We act out in some way & often against eachother. It took many years for me to understand it was as though my older brother & I had been in a war together. Young children in the trenches with two very messed up adults to teach us so little about how to deal with regular everyday childhood issues let alone the toxic environment that they set up for us at home. No one knew better how to trigger the other than us. If we're lucky we're able to let go of what we did to hurt eachother and we figure out (at least to a degree) as we get older how to offer love & support.
@@melanie.c25 : True enough! If we think back, some of us may actually see how the parent(s) triangulated us so we’d fight. I remember my parent encouraging us to call our younger brother “Piggy” because he was over weight, and little things said to keep us at odds with each other. All the things were “said for our own good”. Cutting, derisive, abusive. But we’re kids and didn’t know.
I’d beg my neglectful narc mother to tell my brother with sociopathic characteristics to stop beating me. *This went on until I called the police at the age of 26.* Each time she’d say, “I don’t want to hear it. You two just have to learn to get along.” Or just straight up accuse me *and later his girlfriends* of lying.
Well my brother is 50 now and my mother is 70. She is just now seeing signs of what I was talking about. I guess he has said some things she finds disturbing. As for me, I’m safe and sound and living 2,700 miles away.
Glad you are safe and sound ❤️
My mom was the same with my older sister and me. My older sister would be chasing me around with a knife and my mom would say "you two need to stop horsing around in the house."
I’m so happy for you
"Mom, why does he do this to me?"
"Because you're just so much fun! "
That is all I have the energy to post!
Good for you sounds like distance is what you need right now. I hope you have some peace and a great life!
My siblings kept the bullying up to this day. I've gone no contact the whole lot of them because we're all middle-aged and they're clearly not going to change
I would like to complement your courage to take a stand by saying NO MORE, I do not accept your abuse anymore. Your emotional maturity and the level of healing you have is awe inspiring.Stay strong. Don't let your guard down.
So proud of your determination to survive and thrive after the abuse.
Same! Have lived in a different part of the country for decades yet they still had to hack my phones and harass me. I will never talk to my 3 siblings again
@@Jeanie-lm6kbrestraining order works well also . Had to get one against my narcissistic mIL !
They seem so immature, sorry..my parents are incredibly emotionally immature so my siblings are the same 🫠
So triggering to listen to this. I was the youngest girl in a huge family. I fall into every category. Need to take a break & do self care. Thank you, Patrick. You’re creating a safe space to address the inner worlds of many of us who are dying inside. You’re saving lives - God bless you & your work.
as an older sibling, i was guilty of some things discussed here (more the teasing and bullying) and even tho we're both fully grown adults, i've made it a point to apologize to my younger sib. i was definitely wounded in my own ways and saw him as the easy target :( but we're pretty close now!
Thanks. You give me hope.
What you did is inexcusable and I hope your brother tells you that.
Thank you for acknowledging and owning that. And for apologizing to your sibling. It may not change the original pain but, speaking as the younger sibling in this case, it does help the healing now as an adult. And it sounds as if you're both doing the work to do so ( particularly seeing as you're here watching this video, which would probably normally draw more of the 'abused' than 'abusers' ).
I wish my big bro would apologise
@@redd8367 you would never have harmed a sibling unless your parents were complicit. It’s not your fault. You were a child❤️
"emotional targeting of the younger sibling..." Almost in tears listening to this. Thank you, you're brilliant.
Or older sibling(s)! I am the eldest of 3 girls and I was the one abused by them until I went no contact to protect myself and my husband and sons. ❤
Me too. I was emotionally tormented by my older brother along with physical and sexual abuse. He made my life miserable, along with my abusive mother.
Yes. My older sister has made me feel like a second class citizen since the say I was born.
That pattern happens in my family. The youngest just gets completely dumped on. I’m the youngest so I would know. I guess they just like to target the most vulnerable idk
My older brother used to physical abuse me, humiliate me, overpower me by taking my own hands and using them to hit myself with them, taunt me, allow his friends to hit and slap me while he watched, push me underwater so I never learned to swim, a million cruel things, and YES my parents were narcissistic and neglectful. This was a lifesaving video. Thank you.
You just reminded me my older brother used to do that to me too, use my own hands to hit me.... And kneel on me, tickle me til I couldn't breathe, wrestling holds where he'd twist further until I shouted "I submit!" Also what we used to call Chinese burns, whipping with a teatowel, and taunting me with phrases I didn't understand (like vorsprung durch technik from the car ads) as if I should have understood them.
I'm sorry for all that. I so feel for you and I can relate. Hugs ❤
@@alannarutter5033 I didn't know it wasn't normal....
@@deborah1295 I remember things like that too and it didn't feel good.... As a parent now I would never allow anything like this happening!
Same.. my parents are narcissists.. well my dad is. My brother mentally, physically, and sexually abused me. He tried to kill me several times. The one that stands out the most is when he tried to drown me. He held me under and even used his feet and legs to hold me down. He would torture me and relentlessly scare me all the time and all I ever wanted was for him to love me. I always just thought it was normal till I had kids. Now i see it was abuse.
What if I am the OLDER brother and my younger brother was the one bullying me, hitting me, teasing me and tormenting me throughout my childhood and teen years? And justifying it by saying it was because I was a loser and embarrassing. Everyone in the family may act like "oh, that was the past, and he was just a teenager" but I feel like a lot of that contributed to my trauma as an adult, feeling unloved and unsafe around other men and feeling ashamed of myself for no reason at times, because I maybe picked up on a belief that I was an embarrassment and a loser growing up...
That was sort of like my family. The youngest could hit, but we couldn't hit back, (and we did not). So she'd pick a fight, hit us, then run up the stairs crying to our mother that we were bullying her. Then she'd stand there and gloat while watching our mother yell at us.
The older sibling develops empathy and puts up with abuse because they are told that they "should know better" and "just forgive them," while the younger sibling is enabled to continue abusing older siblings because they're "the baby of the family and they don't know any better."
I can relate to this.
You were not, and are not now, a loser. You were a victim of abuse. You survived, and may be proud of your strength and resilience.
May you heal and be well!
@@kimberlygabaldon3260 wow. same same same
I grew up in an abusive household. I have so much regret and guilt over every time I hurt my little sister, either physically or emotionally. I remember her asking me (she was maybe 2 or 3 and I would have been 8 or 9) to sing to her and rub her arm (something our mother did to soothe her to sleep sometimes). I remember I responded with frustration and refused to do it, and she cried. I was annoyed at the time but it makes me so ashamed thinking about it now. How could I have done that? How could I have turned away a little child just asking for comfort? And that's a very mild example.
I've apologized about and validated everything she's brought up to me that I did to her when we were kids, and I take every opportunity I can to respond to her with kindness and never dismiss her. We have a pretty good relationship now, but it hurts so much knowing that nothing I do now will ever take away my contribution to her trauma.
I think you can give yourself a break. How are you to know what to do at that age? What was the example that was being modeled to you. I think the apologizing and making amends is gold. Seems pretty dreamy to me and I'm sure ppl rarely do that
Your story is so similar to mine. Heart breaking.
I cried while reading this as I relate so much
I commend you. And your behavior today helps more than you know. Both of my parents were violent and hurtful, while professing love. When i reached adulthood, they comprehended how damaged i was. They humbled themselves, apologized, became amazing friends. Hang in there, your belated amends make a giant difference
Having a positive relationship with her matters more than you will ever know...❤
Hey, you realized it and shared your remorse and have forged a relationship. That is A LOT. I wish I could receive such validation from my siblings. You can't change the past, but you can make choices about the present to create a different future, which you are doing. I commend you. We are all jerks are some point in our lives, at least most of us.
It can be the younger sibling abusing the older also.
YES IT CAN! I have no way of knowing your story but in my case because I defended myself (older and smaller) I ended up being the one they expected to take the blame. No can do!
True!! My brother is 3 years younger than me and is taller and stronger than me :(
Yep that's my situation being abused by my younger brother and sister.
this.
YES. THATS WHAT I EXPERIENCED. my younger sibling is just like our narc parents that she complains to hate so much. She's a mirror of them, projecting onto me
My brother was younger but always much, much stronger and would always get more attention and understanding than me. He would sit on my chest and pin me to the floor with his legs on my arms until it hurt. I could only bite him & I would get in trouble because I was older. My parents would sit and laugh at me.
He was on the Spectrum & had a brain tumor when he got older. He died in 2020 from cancer. It's so hard to acknowledge and talk about some of the stuff he had done because he died.
We never had equal love/attention because he had cancer. It was never "my turn" to be loved. Even after he died, my parents told me it was their turn to "put their needs first" after not loving me for years. My parents suck and I'm so done with it!
Tapping into my own unending well of love & giving my inner child everything that I need.
The best love is the love we give to ourselves. We don't need anything from the external world if we validate and love ourselves.
So sorry to hear that! Good luck on your selflove journey its all we can do
Love your “tapping into the well of love!!!” There aren’t enough days left to make up for what happened to us at such young, tender, trusting ages. Give yourself EVERYTHING❤️
You are right-your parents suck. Shame on them for allowing the abuse and laughing at your suffering, and Shame on them for being so narcissistic that they out their own needs above yours. The entire family is wounded by the death of a child, not just them as parents. Very very self centered people, obviously.
I’m really sorry you had to go through such hell. I’m glad you’re on higher ground now.
Just started sobbing reading this because I've never seen someone's situation so close to mine. Lost my twin brother (also on the spectrum) from a brain tumor 3 wks after i went away to college. It's been an unbelievable thing to try to even start to cope with. I've never seen someone who had to deal with that. Really hope you're doing okay and please feel free to message me or something if you wanna talk to someone who's been in a similar boat. 'Brutal' doesn't even begin to describe it.
I feel so seen. Thank you, Patrick :(
The tears the streamed down my face when you said “I believe you”. This unearthed pain I didn’t even realize I was carrying or at least didn’t have words for it. Thank you.
You're not the only one. I think it hit many of us that way.
I believe you because it happened to me also.
Nobody believed my sister was wicked to the core.
I can't believe I am saying this, but I am listening to this video smiling from ear to ear. I am 54 and FINALLY someone is calling out my childhood experience for what it was!
I am 54 and I still have nightmares about my brother. My thoughts on the subject are racing. I don't really need to share my specifics. If you have been there you know already. I am just excited that someone, somewhere, really gets it!
Yes, I feel the same.
I'm 59.
From Chicago with love
Do you have contact with your brother? I am 40 and I do not. This really struck me why did my life suffer so much? I have been addicted, incarcerated, raped, beaten, homeless, hungry, hurting..... While his life has been content and everything just came to him. Im grateful to have the knowledge I do so that I can help others but it has been a very long process. How do they look at themselves in the mirror? They know, right? They know the molestation and beatings and manipulation and forcing me to watch porn and forcing me to watch him torture animals.. he knew it was wrong, right???
Horrific- he really sounds psychopathic and he may be a person with a good enough IQ so that he can “ suceed in life” honestly this sounds psychopathic and not all psychopaths end up fighting, in jail etc, some get very high level jobs. Compassion to you- I hope that you can connect to the light inside yourself- the thing people don’t talk about is how a very boring everyday routine is good for helping with safety, especially in the longer term- but it feels wrong and uncomfortable because we have an ear up for trouble- our body is wired that way- it’s not conscious- it’s from years of barely surviving in terrible danger.
And I have never had that validated as actual abuse….thank you. It’s nice to get these reminders along the way to healing.
My older sister tried to drown me in the ocean, she used to beat me up outside the back door and punch me in the arm and legs to the point where I had bruises all over my body and when I would go telling on her she would deny it and she would deny it so well that I got in trouble for lying even though I had bruises all over my body she would say I did it to myself. It was the most horrible environment and my heart goes out to anybody who’s lived this nightmare. My father was an abusive, alcoholic, liar. He was the cause of all of our family problems and yet the world thought he was the best man on the planet. He was a monster. Sever ties and never, ever look back. The Bible is real and Cain and Abel is true.
@@thirstonhowellthebird I know all about “hide the abuse.” We are very well known in this city, so my father was paranoid about anything looking other than perfect. Sadly, that worked. In our home was horrific abuse, and I was the scapegoat of 7 kids😔 At my mother’s funeral (she was the biggest abuser) people testified about how she had changed their lives for the better. Maybe she had. But I returned from the funeral weeping, wondering “what is going on here?”
@@Grandessaful My heart just breaks for that story. It’s so common in so many parts of the world and pretty much really everywhere. I’m starting to believe the more prominent a family the more toxic and abusive it is. They are desperate to continue to remain perfect in the public eye and maybe the pressure creates the monster who behaves with violence behind closed doors and then of course the siblings perpetuate it because they don’t know any better. I hope you went no contact because there’s a beautiful life on the other side.
@@thirstonhowellthebird thank you for your compassion, I did go “no contact” with my mother, and was immediately alienated by my 6 sibs. All of them see me as the “ sick” one. It is so hard not to take this on. I may not succeed in this lifetime, but I hope there is a compassionate hereafter❤️
@@Grandessaful I promise, I promise you will succeed. It is very, very difficult at first but if you watch a lot of videos on scapegoating and the purpose that it serves you’ll understand why they do it. In a nutshell you’re the normal one. Every time they see you it’s a reflection of what they are not. They likely have substance abuse problems, anger issues, are unhappy in spirit and personality and maybe do drugs and you are different and you do not do the things that they do. That shames them. It’s not your intention that they feel shame and you’re not trying to make them feel shame but that is why they lash out at you. They feel less than when they are around you so that’s why they trash you because they have to make themselves feel better by telling people what a horrible person you are so the focus won’t be on what horrible people they are.
The only way to calm your central nervous system and give your sanity a chance to heal is to sever all ties. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life but I can promise you, you will look back one day and wish that you had done it sooner. It took me two years before I was able to sever all ties because it seems so unnatural and it was not anything that would ever have crossed my mind but I had a really good therapist who walked me through it all. These people want and need to destroy you. That is the root of the disease.
At this point when a person decides to sever ties there’s nothing left to say so your silence will say it all. Block their phone calls, block their text messages, block all emails and sever ties with anyone who comes to you and tries to talk to you about them.
All contact and all mention of their names has to stop for you to heal. You are physically injured from the stress they’ve put on your central nervous system and your surging cortisol and adrenaline and Epinephrine.
I’m not sure how long it’s been since you’ve severed ties but it sounds like maybe not that long. Let them trash you behind your back because you’ll get to a point where nothing that they say matters. Strengthen your faith in God because that is who I turned to and He changed everything for me. Everything that is happening to you is written in the Bible from Cain and Abel to Joseph and his brothers it is the manual for life and had I understood that, these people could never have done the damage that they did. I think God lets it happen to bring us closer to him because he is more important than they are and yet all of our lives their opinion meant everything to us and that was never the opinion that mattered the most.
Work on yourself and your body and your physical health and your mental and spiritual health and get strong again. It takes awhile but you will heal. ❤️❤️❤️ I know what it feels like to think that you can’t make it through another day. I know what it feels like to think that it might be better if a bus hit you and took you off this planet. They take your will to live and they take your joy and they will take your life if you let them because their ultimate goal is to have you kill yourself. It’s a real thing, their hatred. Please know that it has nothing to do with you and that you have done nothing wrong nor anything to cause it. They are just bad seeds, they were born defective. Watch his videos and others on scapegoating. His videos on scapegoating are great. Toxic family videos too.
th-cam.com/video/_XfkG0pMQ4A/w-d-xo.html
I finally confronted my older sister about her mind games, exclusion, manipulation and deception over the years, and now we don't speak. It was painful, and she didn't take responsibility (she blamed it on our dysfunctional family, which I guess is true?), but now I don't have the gnawing pain of wanting her acceptance, because she could have been sorry, and she wasn't.
Totally understandable…but hold your ground for your own well-being🎉
Same happened to me, they won't even feel to say sorry and blame others :(
Its harder when it is a younger sister who people think is the older one because of bully nature. I feel for you because psych and emotional abuse is the worst.
I confronted my sister about the same (she's 1 year older). She blamed it all on me as it was my fault and told me " it's all in your head", "It never happened that way", and "get help, because you don't know what you're talking about ". We don't speak. I cut ties with her. I haven't said a word to her in 2 years.
Sherrylin
I think this is more common than realised. I can relate to You and believe You totally. You tried after all that had happened. It is her loss X
I was stabbed, raped, punched, electrocuted by my older brother , and told a lot of really horrible things - like I was going to be aborted . I’m so glad you made this video,because there’s so few resources available about sibling abuse.
My older brother also put stuff in my bed. He was so inappropriate with me. And when I tried telling my parents, no one believed me.
Even now, my brother is the Golden Child. I am the Scapegoat.
I eventually learned that being the scapegoat is a blessing. I wasn't as enmeshed with my toxic mother as my siblings, so it gave me an escape route. I have been estranged from them all for over ten years. Healing is messy. I wish you all good things! You deserve it! You matter!
Jen, I can't imagine what you have been through. My childhood was the picnic from hell. It amazes me that our own parents would allow this kind of cr*p to occur. That's not saying much about our parents, but good God, WHY would they allow that kind of behavior under their roof!?! Same goes for my parents. Particularly my mother who just recently screamed at me on how much she hates me (that was just her opening line), and she did this in front of other people! I've always been a great kid, never in trouble, respectful and caring. As an adult, I could never understand why I cried so often when it came to family interactions, or remembering my childhood. I have 2 older brothers that treated me horribly, an extremely evil twin sister, and a mother that NEVER defended, or protected me in any way (it was when I was 65 that she admitted to me how much she hated me; that I was a deplorable human being!). Mind you, I've always taken care of my mother in her HOURS of need; I'm the rock. My father had no idea this was going on - he was away from home most of the time on business. I was the apple in my father's eye; I guess that was a big part of the problem. Enough! My father is gone now, and I've distanced myself from the jackals. Take care, Jen. Sending prayers your way ❤
I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't believe what that must have felt like. I hope you're in a better place and feel safer now. Wishing you all the best
@@lindsayschilling8707 i was never an easy child. I was loud, confrontational, pushed buttons, and generally.. I was the type that couldnt understand why things were different for me. My dad is an alcoholic, my mother is a narcissist. I have a very complicated family. He divorced my mom, married my step mom , who he had a child with years ago. So, I have a half brother. Same father, different mothers. I have a half sister. Same mother, different fathers. So, the dynamics are pretty convoluted and twisted.
And I’m the youngest. I’m also, the only one willing to tell the truth, and not put up with the bs.
My husband and I left the states, to get away from al hat toxicity. We moved to Japan so our family would break that cycle of abuse. Neither I or my husband could tolerate it anymore. And now, we’re healing from it all. My husband is healing from all the abuse from his father, and I from my family- and it’s a journey we’re on together. It’s not easy. But channels like this one, help us see some of the bumps in the road.
After cancer, surgeries, seizures, deployments, deaths, births, moves around the world, my husband and I have learned to be battle buddies. No matter what, we circle the wagons , pull up the drawbridge, and prepare for whatever comes our way. It’s just what we’ve learned to do.
Thank you for the kind words.
Amazing how I’ve found more compassion from strangers than my own family.
@@TheEmeraldLady much better. I’m married to an amazing man. Who is a good father, and husband. 🥰
Thank you! I'm so tire, neh exhausted, with therapists saying what my brother did to me was merely "rivalry."
I was routinely beaten, terrorized, threatened, and molested by my older brother.
What he did wasn't a "rivalry" - I was smaller, weaker, unheard and unseen in my family.
My brother was the youngest male among my cousins who were also all male. They had a "boys club" which I was completely excluded from.
All I wanted was to be included, accepted and he abused me.
This has effected my entire life!
Of course it has! I'm sorry. Strange therapists.
I can relate. We had just the 2 cousins who we visited often. Both boys, and my brother loved it. They liked to come up with different versions of Pickle in the Middle, & of course I was ALWAYS the pickle.
I’m 62 and I endured everything you have mentioned in this episode. My parents never stepped in. My mother finally apologized a year before she died. No amount of therapy would address it until when I was 32 and had my only child, my sister insisted I have an abortion so much as telling my husband that the abortion has to happen as I will not be a good mother. I was crushed and my parents said they would not say anything to her as they were afraid my sister would withhold her two grandchildren from them. I finally stopped trying to be her sister at 40 when both my parent passed. Till this day I have panic attacks if I think about her or that I may come in contact. Luckily I moved five hours away. Thanks for your guidance. It’s really been needed. And our daughter is awesome and well educated and very successful and we have an awesome relationship.
My older brother threatened to kick a pregnant fiance's baby of ours out of her stomach on the phone when I wasn't there that hour. (It was 1996 and I was 22-yrs old)
You are doing great duty here for lots of therapists who don‘t have the skills to nail this down the way you do. I hold you in high regard. Unbelievable what is unrecognised and bad communicated by therapists.
I’m so tired of bad therapists :(
for sure
^^^bump this comment up to the top
It took me YEARS to fully acknowledge the abuse. I thought for the longest time, "Oh thats normal, its what children do, its probably just experimental..." that was my way of suppressing it so that I didn't have to see it for what it was. It wasn't until my early to mid 20s that I admitted to myself, no, that was totally wrong and not normal and should have never happened to me because it changed my development completely and I need to stop making excuses for them.
Sometimes you grow up thinking is nothing but sibling rivalry or something like that! I definitely hear you August!
As a kid, I thought The Simpsons was a good family because they loved each other in the end. It took my college years to unravel all the dysfunctional family bs. At first I thought it was only emotional. But then I started remembering moments and connecting them. No kid should know the sound of their body thumping from being hit repeatedly. Anyways, I hope life is better for you now.
@@ratty5 Yeah its funny how many times I hear adults talk about how they see older children shows they have watched and now realize how depressing or not suitable for children it really is because of the content.
I have NEVER seen anything on Sibling Abuse, thank you so so much for this! I’ve dealt with this until only 3 years ago until I finally cut them all off at 41 years old. No matter what was done to me, physically or emotionally it was 100% dismissed and I was turned into the problem. Even as a child I was never, ever silent about the abuse and asked for help but the abusive behavior never stopped.
I get that you were turned into the problem. I am also the “family scapegoat” and everything is considered wonderful in my family. Bullshit!
@@Grandessaful The scapegoat is usually the one who sees thru all of the BS and realizes that things aren't right. Watch closely and don't let them provoke you, and also don't take the blame. You know what is right!
@@j.g.5765 that’s so true, but I am the one who needs the medicine, so my sibs all still see me as “sick.” Still haven’t figured that out yet🧐
@@Grandessaful Oh yeah, I was "crazy" too... my sibling literally told all of her friends I had a serious mental illness and then wrote an email to our ENTIRE family saying I was crazy (like aunts, cousins, in-laws EVERYONE) ... That's what they do to cover up what they have done to YOU. They tell everyone you're crazy, provoke and torture you until you get super angry & react.... and then they go See! I told you she's crazy. It's all part of the narcissistic tactics to discredit you and isolate you from anyone who might help you. Seriously the only way to save yourself is to cut off contact with them and go dark. I moved and no one knows where I live. Blocked them on my phone, IG, FB, emails, and stopped talking to anyone that would feed them information about me. This has been the BEST three years of my entire life! My business has taken off, I have a whole new group of really positive friends and have been interviewed about 8 times for my business, and became a paid speaker on business & taught workshops ... Seriously, THEE best 3 years!! Once you ditch them your life will blossom! Good luck!
@@j.g.5765 please let me be like her Jesus! Please give me an ending this bright. How awesome! Great post!
My younger sister has been abusive (emotional and physical), manipulative and a gaslighter for so many years. She body-shamed me (and I had eating disorders), slut-shamed me, called me homophobic slurs, she used to tell everyone my secrets/private information (including the fact that I like girls when I wasn't even ready to come out), among many other things. She has been like this since a really young age and she still is a really toxic person
Oh my gosh, you literally described my older sister. It's the question of why that I can never get passed. We haven't spoke in 6 years...I'm 45. I hope that you find your way to peace and can let go of the ugliness she directed at you. Sending love.
My younger sister as well. I was 14 and she chased me with a butcher knife to stab me with it. She dated every boy she knew I liked. She spread rumors about me at school, she stole from me into adulthood, she committed cocsa to myself and a cousin when we were kids. Physical abuse to our younger brother (poking him with needles).
Hurting other children at school and getting in trouble just all the time, and I would be punished because I'm the oldest.
❤
@@11AceHearts11
Sorry but she sounds like a morbid individual to be around. I’m wondering what she’s like now. Ashamed? Or perhaps has nothing to do with anyone. Oh well, she brought it on herself.
I’m aware I sound insensitive but being the oldest of 5 children and less than 8yrs difference between myself and the youngest I went out of my way to protect my them to the point where I was expected to. Huge responsibility for a child that’s not quite 6 (this is early ‘76) to be changing cloth nappies.
Mind you when my mother decided to leave our father she pretty much demanded to be the parent, something she hadn’t really taken seriously apart from wanting helpless infants. I’m 53 now and I realise I never had a chance from the start.
@daniellewatson8352 I don't know what she's like anymore. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Valentine's Day 2016. I know what she was like back then, and I was the only "immediate" family that was speaking to her at that time. More and more people are realizing her truth as time passes, and some people have come around my parents and apologized for believing the things she was saying about everyone. She turned family against family with ultimatums she issued...
It's been a hard road, but we are here, still breathing and kicking. Stronger for all of it.
I think it's really damaging when parents allow children to keep up this hatred of eachother and just dismiss it with "they will grow out of it". 20 years later and I still can't stand my older brother and I have plans to work on things to forgive him and move on, but I will never pursue a relationship with him, ever. Didn't grow out of it, never will. My younger brother is 5 years younger than me and he is like my own child, I love him endlessly. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me, the problems were with my family.
Wow, did I ghost write this? My older brother was also awful (abusive technically but it's hard to call it that for some reason), but he gave me a framework of how I never wanted to treat our new younger siblings. But of course as the eldest daughter I was parentified with them from a very young age. My mother just shared a photo with me the other day, I couldn't be older than six and I'm holding and soothing my baby sister - while my two brothers goof off in the corner.
Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. I'm upset she thinks that's normal and okay to do to a six year old. But I cherish my relationship with my younger siblings, and I've talked a lot before about how I feel more like a mother to them rather than a sister. It's changed a bit as my little brother gets older, but I still cook/clean for him as if he were 10 since mother doesn't want to teach him those things like she did us females. Even though my younger sister has level 2 autism and is mentally less than half her age. Ugh. I'm so sorry for writing all this. It's helping me piece it together a little. I know exactly what you're going through. I hope you get all the help you need going forward.
I just want to say, as an older sibling in a toxic family system, I’m sorry for every one of you who went through this. I am thankful that my instinct was to protect my brother and shield him from as much bad parental behavior as I could, but I know that wasn’t everyone, and it is grieving for me for all of you who went through that. May you recover well.
I was the oldest of 6 and tried to protect them all. Mama turned me into the "bad one" and up until recently most of them bought into that storyline. I did what I could but sadly it wasn't enough to save them all.
Thanks for the apology; now only if my older sibs would acknowledge and apologize, which they won’t. I’m the problem, and they’re all A-OK. I’m the family scapegoat. Won’t change. I continue to work on being the “family pain-bearer.” My parents were saints to them. It is so crazy-making. I will say that I had a great psychiatrist who told me “Your mother was so threatened by you, she needed to turn your 6 siblings against you too.” So true😢👍👍👍
Thank you :(
My oldest sister was a protector too, I'm sorry for what you had to go through as well.
Oldest of 9, I became the father, mother and big brother as I had to protect and care for my siblings as our parents didn't. We weren't ready for that responsibility and it's a struggle to this day. My heart grieves for those of you who had older siblings who abused that position. No matter how bad they were hurting, you didn't deserve the abuse from them.
I was the parentified big sister that felt I had to take responsibility for my mum and look after her and my two younger siblings. I felt like I was on the same level as my mum. When I was a kid I didn't realise I was being a bully or manipulating them. And I felt like I needed to discipline them because my mum and stepdad were preoccupied with drugs, alcohol and domestic violence.
Good for you for unpacking all of that. I hope it helps you heal.
My family had a similar dynamic (I’m third of six). My oldest sister took on so much emotional responsibility out of necessity-but bullying was included. She didn’t know better and felt we all needed to grow up faster. I’m grateful for the stability she added much of the time but am sorry for what it costed her.
Sending love for you and your family.
I was in a similar situation
You sound like the sister that used to ‘parent’/abuse me. She was awful.
I still couldn’t forgive my sister if she said that to me, sorry just isnt enough 😞
But my sister was absolutely terrible to me. Emotionally and physically. And when she abandoned me with my 70 year old father and 35 year old schizophrenic brother, who was an alcoholic... I just don’t see myself having it in my heart to let it go 💔 I’m still struggling RIP
Uhhh... crap. I'm not on the same level as my mom but I do kind of... I need to be so much better than this.
I honestly cant remember most of my childhood and it scares me. I have a lot of problems that are very present for me and I wonder if they are caused by my childhood. I cant know because I dont remember it.
I don’t remember my childhood either. I do know I was tied to my bed as a toddler because my mother was ill and couldn’t look after me. My 6 sibs tormented me incessantly. My mother enjoyed this. My physician recently diagnosed me with PTSD because he said my body was constantly in shock. I am on medicine now which really helps! Best to you❤️
Chloe, have you ever considered HYPNOSIS? A well-vetted hypnotist can help,you tap into,your repressed memories. Maybe even go one step further and see a psychic who does past-life regressions. You can find out about both past AND present life events.
If any of this is new to you (i.e., you don’t believe it’s real), I highly recommend looking into the topics, and include in your research the practitioners. I would skip the skeptics, since they come from the confirmation bias perspective, at least from what I’ve seen.
It’s important to know what it is about your past that haunts you, and sometimes, you have to take some uncommon (yet valid) measures to excavate the info. You deserve to have closure, and to achieve emotional freedom. 🙏✨💕
I never remembered mine, then it came back in bits and pieces of sexual abuse. I have huge gaps in my memory and disassociate alot. I don't know which is worse. Not remembering, or remembering.
@@MoPoppins I've always wanted to try it!!! I prolly will someday
I feel this- I’m sorry :((
Thank you for talking about sibling abuse. My older brother was sadistic. He wouldn’t be satisfied until I cried and bled. I was kicked down the stairs about a thousand times during my childhood. My parents ignored my cries for help. I was more athletic than him. I knew how to defend myself but had to let him beat me. I didn’t want my dogs to get kicked across the room again. The abuse didn’t stop until I stopped talking to him. He threatened my parents with a gun when he got older. It was only then when my parents realized I was being abused. I was in college by then. My family sucks.
thank you Patrick, i've been around long enough, (73 years), and in many different therapy situations, and i can tell that you are a rarity; a true healer. I wish you lived around here. My older brother, (6 years older) started sexually abusing me when i was 4, this continued intermittently for the next 6 years and even as i grew into adolescence and learned how to avoid him he continued to harass me. He was my mother's firm favourite, (there were 5 kids), and i was never believed or supported or apologized to . I had no voice and no resources. The whole family, even my older sisters denied my experience. i have lived my entire adult life on the other side of the world but instead of cutting them off i continued to try to have a relationship with them. It did not work, i have always felt myself to be scapegoated and dismissed, and altho' they are all dead now except for one sister, even with her i dare not speak of my experience. I have been working with a somatic healer for almost 3 years and this is helping me enormously but as i listen to Patrick my whole body starts to shake and i recognize that even now, as an old woman it is still not resolved. Again Patrick, thank you and i wish you every success in your chosen career, you are gifted.
Good Grief! There really are no depths a narc family will not sink to in order to punish the scapegoat. I totally believe you 100%. I had a similar situation but no sexual harassment that I remember. Just abject terror and an over bearing sense of helplessness and doom. I struggle with emotional memory and get triggered by things I don't even understand. So many of us going through the same torment! Would be great if we could have a convention and become an army. If I won the lottery I'd set up a TV station for victims of abuse to name and shame their families. The law suites would be massive 🤣
@@katec9893 I hope the second part of your life will be better!
OmG..God bless & feel better..
I've been there. Very similar situation to you. It was the golden child oldest brother. I am no contact with the whole lot of them for my mental survival.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I believe you. I pray you heal from all the hurt your family did to you.
My sister used to tell me that my mother cried when I was born and didn’t want to see me. And my mother never denied it, nor did she stop her from using that as a way to engage with me.
my sister always told me i was adopted and to this very day is a bully and verbally/emotionally abusive to me
Maybe it was postpartum depression :(
Same
Well, 6 min in, realized this one is something to take in segments.
Oh. I had a therapist who insisted I had childhood trauma and I kept saying "yeah my older sister abused the heck out of me"... And my therapist would say... "But you have childhood trauma". I didn't understand that my therapist wasn't discussing it because she didn't see it as a thing.
I nearly cried when he said “I believe you.”
I’ve been waiting so long to hear that. Thank you Patrick.
Mental abuse runs in my family. The main person is my second older brother. He has a habit of saying I'm not normal, because I like to be alone. For me, being introverted was from being bullied my whole life. Til this day, I still have to hear his mouth about not having a girlfriend, and not having friends. For me, I couldn't stick up for myself, because my brothers big. And my brother knows that people are scared of him
This was the most difficult video to listen to. Respect to anyone who thrives after this type of abuse. And respect for Patrick for working with this devastating dynamic. Thankful for this safe place to share and support - even as it is virtual.
It was my younger sister. She'd bait and antagonize me into a reactive abuse situation so she could get comfort and love from my mother. Stealing money, taking my journal to school, listening to phone conversations. She was the popular one in the neighborhood and I was the odd one out, constantly bullied and tormented by her and her friends. But somehow my parents, mostly mom, never saw or chose not to see it and cast me as the abuser. Not allowed to have v boundaries and if I tried I was made to be wrong for it. I finally started exploding from all the torment and that only fueled the vicious circle. They still claim I was the abusive one, which i believed until my 40s when i learned about reactive abuse. Then everything clicked
That’s really rough. I’m sorry your family was unable to support you and believe you. I have distanced myself from my family. Safer but lonely and still disappointed that I didn’t have the blessings of family
That's my older sister.
@SameSameButDifferent ! actually I didn't have clarity until recently. I actually ended up brainwashed for years into believing it was all my fault and I had ruined my family somehow.
This was exactly what happened to me but it was my younger 'golden child' brother...he would physically as well as verbally abuse me. He was 5'10 at 15 and could easily manipulate ny narc mother as well as be manipulated himself by her. He was very impulsive and at some point I think the physical abuse was sometimes a request from my narc mother as a form of punishment .
That's what my younger brother did to me. He tormented me in every way until I hit him, then I was in trouble and he was the victim. And I have fairly ordinary parents, but they couldn't have handled that worse if they'd tried.
My younger sisters are so used to seeing my parents ill-treat me that they think it's ok to treat me(their eldest sis) the same way until now.
It's different from the norm of the older siblings doing the bullying that's why no one believes or supports me. It took various unexplained illnesses before I realized I had to cut off the entire extended family.
Same. My little sister was BPD like my mom but also histrionic and sociopathic. She saw the way mom manipulated me and followed suit. She broke my toys on purpose from a very young age, which my mother never believed because she was barely a toddler, but I could see the look in her eyes when she did it, staring me down to watch my reaction and then delighting when I'd get upset. It was creepy. She was constantly trying to wear down my boundaries and she'd steal my stuff and laugh about it, or break my stuff and try to hide it. As an adult, she'd trauma bond me by ignoring me for months, then suddenly want to hang out, then she'd ignore me again, all the while I'm trying to recover from childhood and build a close relationship with her. After 10 years of that she admitted she never liked me and was lying the whole time. Then came the psychotic paranoia about things that never happened. Towards the end, the sudden rages started. So glad that's over now, but yeah, little sisters can absolutely be the aggressors. I'm not saying I never retaliated or bullied her since my parents did encourage that (I was allowed to hit her if I asked her to stop annoying me 3 times, and I did the "you're adopted" thing from time to time) but all in all, I was the one taking care of her because I was defacto babysitter and she was making my life hell.
Exactly same here!
Same and same!! Life is much better without them... finally you can allow yourself to feel joy without punishment of some kind.
Same! I've been trying to distance myself from my younger sister because I realized she was making my life hell.
💞🌸
What motivates the older sibling, probably 1) a loss of attention or, 2) a sense of being replaced(and not good enough) and the resentment which results. The desire to destroy the new child to either get rid of him(to regain the attention) or to wreck him(to show his parents, like, "see what you replaced me with") are, I think, the underlying motives. You could see how the arrival of a second child is like a traumatic abuse of the first child. Parents need to be wise enough to protect and teach their kids on this issue.
I'm struggling accepting my sister's ways as being abusive. Even though my therapist has used that word.
Everything she did she did with a smile. Everything was passed off as a joke. She'd pick apart the kids show we younger kids were watching, pointing out why they were dumb. She'd ask about what we were wearing or doing, seemingly looking for us to take any stand that she could poke fun at.
But it wasn't framed as teasing. Even in my own mind. It was her having really specific tastes and "teaching" us to not be silly or make better sense. It felt like have Microsoft word spell check on your whole life. Constant red squiggly underline on everything you did or liked.
Anyway, sorry. I'm rambling. I know this was abusive. But videos like this never describe abuse like this. It makes it hard to accept.
I love your spellcheck analogy!
What a profound, and terrifying accurate way of putting it… I feel the exact same way as a younger sibling who got this from her older sister…
My brother did the same. I was critiqued for everything I did. Always. And I never knew when it was coming, but because most of the time I wasn’t doing anything, it was anything he could find… the way I was breathing, how long it took to turn a page while reading, the way I was sleeping, etc. My parents thought it was normal “teasing” and kids fighting, but I was being picked apart. It is like “spell check” always there. I wasn’t ever able to just be myself or just EXIST.
Now as an adult, I’m so self-conscious, have no self-esteem, and am a huge people pleaser.
Wow: bossy, critical, insulting, micromanaging sister. I've met these types in the corporate world and have always been glad they weren't my sibling.
I’m still in the healing process, my older brother sexually abused me when I was 13 which is over 40 years ago. Never told anyone until 7 years ago which left me in a very dark place. Just glad he is not in our life’s anymore even tried going through the courts for justice but they didn’t have enough evidence. But I know my future is going to be a lot rosier.
I was the older sister and I was abusive to my little brother when I was a child. We are 3 years apart. I've had so much guilt about it as I've become an adult. I'm 32 today. I was corporally punished, my little brother was not. There was alot of jealousy on my part... My mom was the raging drunk narcissist. I've made amends to him, he says he doesn't remember but I remember.
At least you are sorry about it, that means a lot, trust me. My abusive older brother would never admit anything and blame everyone else that it was ok to be abusive to me.
Me too. I wish so much I could Go back in time and treat my brother better...I was a Child/teenager too, but I see that I hurt him more than he realizes 😭😭😭 what can I do for him now?
As a kid who was on the receiving end of it, I haven’t forgotten it’s hard to tbh. Either he covered it up and it bit him later on or he simply genuinely forgot.
@@kiriume that’s sad my sibling doesn’t remember thanks to his time in the army. It’s like a blessing and a curse. He doesn’t remember ok fine… but I want my justice u k? I am still healing cause I write above it a lot.
I so admire your honesty and courage.
This was my relationship with my older sister. She terrorized me. A lot of physical abuse and also emotional abuse. One thing my sister does currently is taking my experiences and making them her own. She will remember things that happened to me and retell them as if they happened to her. Others have confirmed this because I thought I was going crazy. What is that all about?
She's gaslighting you.
Rewriting history! My vessel of entry loves to do this. I believe she has a personality disorder. Narc/Borderline.Very painful. I have been "No Contact" with my family of origin for over 10 years. Many many tears shed.
That's what malignant narcissist would do. They break u to the point of insanity. Keep believing in yourself
Same my older sister emotionally abused me for years ,I'm just coming to terms with it . What is hard for me to deal with is that she did everything on purpose to hurt and humiliate me.
@@vantasiaaway I think gaslight would be more of her sister making her think the abuse never happened, not actually pretending it happened to her? Gaslighting is more mocking. I think her sister actually thinks it was her childhood, like a BPD.
My mom just stood by and actually made up excuses for my brother calling it "brotherly love". Well that brotherly love made me start self harming and got me addicted to it. Now I'm stuck with physical and mental scars as a permanent reminder. I feel like my only escape is just sleeping, so I want to sleep forever.
It makes me so mad. I wish I could harm the bullies
who harmed you, dear.
Thanks. The hardest thing for me is that others certainly go thru much worse abuse. That doesn't make the abuse I underwent nothing. But it does make it harder to address.
I have never ever heard anyone talk about this. I thought i was crazy for thinking this was a thing.
And that is EXACTLY how they want you to feel!
It's interesting how television normalizes sibling abuse as well. It's looked at as normal, funny, or even as a form of love. Think about shows from the 90s especially home improvement, step by step, most nickelodeon shows. One of the worse today's diary of a whimpy kid.
well said
Hollyweird is evil.
Now I feel bad for liking that movie. Diary of a wimpy kid.
And the Disney Channel is the worst in "family" entertainment.
It makes it relatable though , too, sadly. Like that show Malcom in the middle, remember that one?
Sibling abuse is rarely addressed. As the youngest of three I have early memories of my older siblings being physically abused by my mom, but I myself was not physically abused by her. Mom once told me that I would cry if she just 'looked at me cross eyed,' so I think I was more sensitive & made her feel too guilty.
I also have early memories of really cruel & systemic reactive abuse by my middle sibling who was 5 years older. She knew she could drive me into a temper tantrum. Eventually I would go mental & fly at her & she would grab me by the wrists & hold me at arms length while I writhed & struggled. She would smile, laugh, call me a freak. Etc. I remember telling mom "Older Sibling is being mean to me," but I didn't have the vocabulary to explain better. Mom was like, you are being a tattle tale. If you come to me complaining about your sibling, then I will punish both of you.
And so I learned that I shouldn't expect loved ones to have my back.
I'm at peace with it now, I understand that ultimately my parents are to blame. But it's still validating to have it addressed. Thank you.
I had the exact same experiences re being told not to tattle tale. Absolutely devastating, along with so many other devaluing or invisibalizing incidents from 2 older siblings and 2 narcissistic, Unengaged parents. I’ve only realized the depth of the emotional abuse & narcissistic behaviour patterns in my family in the last year. I’m 48 now, never been married & chose not to have my own children because I knew I wasn’t emotionally stable enough myself, and I also knew my family was never going to provide any level of support. I have lived with a terrible dark shadow over me and a pervasive sadness that I could never shake. I’m finally understanding why. Thank god for these videos...and for people like you sharing your stories. Bless You.
@@awhite7596 God bless you…we all share your stories. In the depth of your darkness, know that we are all there with you! In my darkest hours, I have prayed the prayer of Michael the Archangel, to embolden me against evil that prowls the earth seeking the destruction of souls. I am not particularly religious, but I have said this prayer in my darkest hours, and it has kept me alive🎉🎉🎉🎉
I relate so much thank you for sharing
I watched this expecting to get insight on abuse from one sibling, and left with the realization of another. It is so incredibly hard for me to talk about the trauma from my siblings. I can hardly even touch on it in therapy. It feels worse than abuse from my father because that is something so many people can understand, but emotional and sexual abuse from siblings…I feel so much shame and fear everyday. Thank you for this video and the work you do!
I can't believe how much of a Saint my older brother was that he didn't end up resorting to this. Our parents' aggressor / codependent dynamic brought us closer together rather than tearing us apart. My husband was primarily abused by his older sister and one of my best friends was abused by her entire family (they both watched this with me). I was so blessed. RIP Scott, you are the epitome of what big brothers should be.
Older brother undiagnosed and untreated/supported autism spectrum, abused me. Parents (father psychologist) LOVED to say "sibling rivalry," but it was abuse. Father and mother neglectful (open marriage, both pursuing outside relationships), mother abusive of brother. I was the one who was parentified -- everyone's counselor. Recipe for a mess.
How are you doing 😊😊😊👋😊
Same here
My older sister locked me in the garden shed and then set fire to it, a neighbour saw the flames and ran to our house knocked on door to tell my dad the shed on fire, she did not get into any trouble!
WOW! That is terrifying! Are you in regular contact with her? WOW 😨
That's disgusting. Your psrents are disgusting.
God how horrifying. I don't think I could EVER have forgiveness or trust for the sis and quite possibly the parents. That's way too overboard an action. Seriously traumatizing for decades. I hope life is better for you now..
If I did that mom would at least scold me and punish me for this. I don’t understand why some parents can’t be parents I see this everywhere I go. Usually it’s the kids fault like they are wining and tired and start to cry and the parents yell at them tell them to shut up ( most of the time at my happy place wdw) it breaks my heart
She should’ve been committed to the sane asylum for evaluation. I’m sorry that happened to you. But it’s strange how parents just overlook the very disturbing behavior of their abusive children.
Hi Patrick. Can you please make more videos on what it is like to parent in a healthy way for those of us who grew up in unhealthy families and have no frame of reference of how things should be like.
Yes!!!! THIS! Thank you for suggesting this! 💙
I agree. What does a healthy family even look like…? I’m in trauma therapy unraveling the root causes of my CPTSD, and I am having to scrap everything I thought I knew was good and safe. It’s exhausting… 😮💨
I broke down when you said I believe you. You have the right to be sad and mad on this. It so validated my feelings that was denied again and again from my parents and both older brothers
You're the only one Patrick. It made me tear up to hear you say "I believe you". Thank you
My oldest brother I finally cut out of my life. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but hes an awful person. As kids, he would put me in head locks and choke holds while I cried and screamed. He would have my other brother hold my arms back while he told me "come on punch me, oh that's right you cant, because you're a girl and you're weak". He would grab my stomach and call me "chung" and fat. He would lock me in a dark closet while I screamed because I was scared of the dark. He would always laugh.
As adults, the minute he got a girlfriend he flipped the switch and became super nice. I thought maybe he just grew up. I found out his girlfriend said "oh I always wanted a little sister". So he used me. Recently he broke up with his girlfriend for another woman, and his behavior instantly changed. He kept ignoring me, said I was the worst sister and spoiled, he didnt invite me to his wedding, and the worst thing...he murdered his cat. Beat him with a rock because he "didnt want to pay money at the vet" even though we offered to pay.
I've now accepted I was abused and my brother is an evil person and I'm better off without him.
I did the same i just decided to finally stay away from my family
Sounds like a bona fide psychopath :(. Congrats to you for recognising it and taking care of yourself!
My poor older sister was a horrible bully. She stole tax money from me, told me I was ugly and no man would have me, hit me, and basically acted like a jerk our teen years. I say"poor" though, because as mean as she was, my dad beat her more than me. She always got the worst of the beatings as I was better at keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes she would intentionally try to make him focus on herself, and tell me to go hide in our room. She was strangely protective of me, but was also oddly cruel. When dad got at me, she'd comfort me after. But if I tried to be there for her, to hold her if she was crying, she'd lash out at me, tell me it's my fault he hits us anyway. Scratched me up a few times till I bled. I could never tell if she loved me or hated me. To this day it's still a mystery. She acts like we could best friends (my lifelong dream)...but hates everything about me. If I dare think differently, even on something trivial like saying I don't care for a movie or something, she disowns me, tells me I'm not allowed to see my nieces ever again. Then a few weeks later sends me friendly memes. I have no idea what's going on with her, and I'm never sure how to act around her, or what would set her off. I still wish we could be friends though. I don't think it will ever happen. She loves me, but my very presence just triggers so much rage in her after a while, even if I try hard not to say anything controversial or too opinionated, she'll get mad over something as stupid as not wanting to dye my hair, or saying I want to try a new career. She's a mystery to me.
You are talking about my sister, the same. She used to bully me but protect me from others, except for her boyfriend.She teamed up with him and bullied me with pleasure.
Also she could not get along well with my father either, but now they are better than me.I'm sure i am the scapegoat of the family.
She insistently invites me her home, says she misses me and when we meet she gets angry whatever I say and does not look at my face.if i say i'm going, she offends or gets angry.I wonder if these could be borderline traits?
(sorry if i couldn't explain, english is my second language )
She sounds like she has borderline traits. There is a good book called Walking on Eggshells. As strange as this sounds, when someone has shame about loving or needing someone, and feels inadequate themselves, he or she will project that onto that person, often with abusive behavior. So sorry for your difficult experiences and that loss of the relationship you hoped for. Can totally relate. As adults, we can choose good friends that can become like healthier family.
She is not your friend and never will be. Let her go and enjoy a full life❤️
@Elle G Absolutely. I know she loves me but I remind her of how awful everything used to be
I can speak on this a bit… Having been the abused child and then growing up and having my own children.
My older sister got the brunt of the verbal abuse. We were both sexually molested and/or raped in childhood. I was the bossy, over-protective mom figure to my two younger brothers, but I also resented that they got things better than me and my older sibs did. Our two youngest brothers are 7 & 8 years younger than me, and they’re the only two who have managed to move out and become financially independent. One had to work hard for everything, the other had it all basically handed to him because he was naturally smart, but he was also willing to do the work, in very particular areas.
I love my little brothers. I would berate them and “parent” them, because I was intelligent enough to see how our family system worked and I didn’t want them to get hurt like the rest of us, because I love them.
I resent my parents for not being the parents and for me having to be the bigger person out of my entire family (at times) when I was the 4th out of 6 children.
There’s probably a lot of mixed emotions going on for your sister, and one of those is obviously love, or y’all wouldn’t have any kind of connection or feel safe to even try. It could also be a trauma bond and you both may not even really have anything in common or any kind of connection because of everything y’all endured.
It’s basically like y’all were two captives trying to navigate the kidnapper’s schemes and abuse while trying to protect each other and yet protect yourselves. Mind F-ery, to be sure.
Really remarkable to see a supportive video about this at 48 years old, when as a child your sibling roughs you up every day after school, wrecks your self esteem, scares the crap out of you, and parents say, "That's just how brothers show thier love...you're being too sensitive" . Thank you so much for this validation and support, Patrick!! So happy things are changing and you are one of the guides.
My father was 45 when I was conceived. Three years later he started dying from aplastic anemia (no immune system, basically). I was three, brother six. After he died, my mother and brother blamed me for his death. My dad caught a cold in the hospital and never recovered. When I was in my 40's, my aunt told me he caught the cold from me. (Thanks for telling me that!) My brother was jealous of my existence from the day I was born. My dad's death capped it. At 50, I cut ties with my only sibling. (Mother passed when I was 30.) I have never been happier. They both were manipulative and gas-lighting. It was emotional abuse/neglect. My brother always played the victim and my mother supported that act forever. My brother ended up marrying a woman 20 years older who was divorced with kids. I decided as a young child that this so-called "family/married life" was too horrible and not for me. Never married, no kids. Just coming to grips with how it all came down . My dad's sister told me that I was the apple of my dad's eye. I was never loved by anyone else after he died. I'm content now. I'm ok.
The damage that is done by this type of abuse is just crushing. I was sexually molested by an older brother for many years. The family knew and did nothing. I went no contact for decades. When I eventually resumed limited contact, I was taunted by another brother who coolly informed me that I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me. Something died in me that day. I realized that the nightmare of my childhood was far worse that I could ever have imagined. They were all irrevocably contaminated. There would be no contrition or remorse from these soulless monsters.
that is so messed up and Im sorry for your loss. It is a loss when you die inside.
Of all the therapists I've seen from age 18-35, none have made me feel more seen, validated, and understood than the few videos of yours I've watched thus far. I am just blown away! Thank you.❤
I'm shocked by how accurate this is. My narcissistic mother upheld my older brother as the golden child, and me (female) as the scapegoat. As long as I can remember I've been compared to others in a negative way despite being a total overachiever in education, sports and arts. My brother on the other hand could do no wrong despite being a fairly normal kid. He was a calm kid initially, but around age 10-12 he started getting extremely abusive towards me, finding any reason to punch or dominate me. He was never abusive to anyone else in the family or outside the house. I can now clearly see that he was emulating my mother's behavior, as she was verbally and physically abusive towards me too. She never really made any attempts to stop my brother and explain why what he did was wrong. When we both went to university my room was instantly made into my mother's office and all my things were thrown out, and my brother's room was kept intact like a shrine. Naturally after graduation I didn't feel like I had anywhere to come back to, so I plunged head-first into my career. My brother was lured back home by our mother saying he needs some rest after studying and that he can look for a job from home. Then, when I was doing my first job and renting a small room in London I told my brother that he can come stay with me and I will help him look for a job. It only took him a week to beat me up because he didn't like the music I was listening to, and have me call the police on him. After that incident our mother told me that she hated me and I am not her daughter. We are now both in our 30s, I have an extremely successful career, but am miserable and single because I have trust issues and cannot let anyone close to myself. My brother is still unemployed and living at home in his childhood bedroom with his mental health getting increasingly worse. Every time he has tried to start a job our mother has encouraged him to quit and stay at home. I, on the other hand, am now mostly used as a source of money, while still being compared to others in a negative way (now emphasising the fact that I'm not married and don't have children). I really don't know how to work on this situation, as it is absolutely impossible to have any logical and honest conversations with my mother. I also want to help my brother, but don't know how, it feels like he is a prisoner under my mother's guard. I even send him some CBT books that my therapist recommended just to have my mother throw them away...
You are still young, unmarried and don't have kids to hold you where you are....run! Cut your toxic family off and start over with your life. You will be 100% happier for it, I promise! No contact, ever again!
I am sorry you suffered so as a child. My first thought is that you have a "devouring mother." She doesn't let your brother grow up, she denies him a real life. You, on the other hand, know who you are and have your own life. Well done!
You can’t save them all. Sometimes, you have to look out for yourself. Your brother will have to make his own choices. By abusing you, he’s made it. Don’t let them take advantage of your kindness. Your mom sounds a lot like mine.
You can feel sorry for them while NOT sending them money. They will never stop "needing" your money as long as you are willing to give it to them. The moment you stop, that's when they will find their own way of getting money. For example, your brother sticking with a job. You're enabling your mother to encourage him to quit his jobs.
Any oldest child here who was abused by the YOUNGER sibling here? I know it's normally the older sibling but just curious here.
Yes, I was bullied by both my younger brothers, and it was my mom who turned them against me
Here! I’m the smallest but oldest bullied by my younger brother. Not to the extent I’d consider it abuse but after this video kind of validated some his behavior and how it made me feel. I would get in trouble for biting him since that was the only thing I could do to defend myself but because he was/is ADD he never seemed to get in much trouble.
You aren’t alone I was punched pinned down had hair ripped out. Me and my friends were chased and terrorized my younger sister would almost break down doors to get to me she gaslighted manipulated and humiliated me.
[raises hand] both of my younger sisters parroted our mother, who shows signs of narcissism and sociopathy :/ im older than the youngest by 5 years, which isnt the biggest age difference, but its big enough for no one to have believed my cries for help. you're not alone
I'm currently trying to figure out if I have been/am being abused by my younger sibling. On the one hand, they're not as physically dangerous as when they were younger, and not _every_ situation turns manipulative anymore. On the other hand, I'm at the point where I get panicky with them just being in my bedroom because they've so often blocked the exit and occasionally clawed at me when I tried to get out. I can't tell if I'm exaggerating the problems in my memory or if things are actually that frequent/bad.
Thank you so much for this. My older brother was very physically abusive to me, as in regular beatings whenever I upset him in the slightest way. I'd show up to school covered in bruises with a black eye, and the teachers would be all concerned and ask if my father did it- and when I told them it was my brother, they'd shrug and tell me it was normal for siblings to fight.
Siblings may argue, but my brother beating the shit out of me regularly wasn't an "arguement", and it made no difference to my body if it was my brother or my dad or anyone else who beat me up. But people are just convinced that sibling abuse isn't a thing, and the idea of "siblings just fight" is so ingrained that people can't see beyond what is an argument and what is abuse. Abuse is one-sided, ongoing, and damaging. I never hurt my brother, not once, I probably wouldn't have if I could've. Even if I had, that would not excuse what he did.
I can only imagine how much worse it is for people who were abused in less obvious ways by their siblings, in terms of denial. Considering the emotional abuse my father put me through was more damaging for me than all that physical abuse, and I have a lot of trouble accepting what he did- I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with sibling abuse that isn't so blatant as mine was.
We survived and will continue to survive. You're all doing amazing to be here at all if you're reading this comment. And to Patrick- you're doing amazing work and helping countless people in immeasurable ways. I hope you know that.
My older brother physically and emotionally abused me for my entire childhood and my parents never believed me.
Probably because he was their golden child...
Parents enable the abuse. I'm sorry for your miserable experiences. 😔
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I have a much older sibling who always played tricks on me and manipulated me all the time. It was horrible! Plus, I had to grow up in a blended family with toxic parents. My life was a nightmare growing up in the narcissistic family system. I finally had enough and went no contact with my entire family.
I went to an energy healer and she kept saying “your throat chakra is struggling, sweetie. What’s silencing you?”
I never made the connection to the abuse.
Thank you 🖤
It's come up a lot in my somatic work that I carry a lot of trauma in my throat. It's so hard for me to find my voice.
Singing might help, would be best to do it on constant basis. And it might be necessary to support the thyroid - nutrition, supplements and check once in a while, whether it over- or underfunctions.
Also because I believe in God, I would stay away from energy healers. Look at a few videos where the people who went from New age to Jesus go deeper into their former profession/hobby and explain a lot of it.
@@TheShamuraja I used to believe that. But I know organized religion is a scam. GOD created energy and its not magic , but a holistic (as in all natural) thing not magic. I still am against delving into anything related to magic though. Oh heck no.
I had developed rashes around the back of my neck.
I’m not crying, you’re crying 😢.
Finally, someone who has the courage to speak to this type of abuse many of us experienced. I would love to see more in-depth discussions.
Another element I’d like to share is how in our dysfunctional families one or both parents can “check out” and either literally not be able to remember what was happening right underneath their noses or they choose not to. My mother knew something was going on with my brother who is five years older than me and what bullying he was acting out toward me. Eventually this went too far and he molested me. I had no one to turn to because my mom would complain to my dad that I was complaining and then my dad (who back then drank a lot) would take it out on me with words and physical aggression. My brother did not physically assault me again until I was a teenager but he most certainly said and did other things that were incredibly inappropriate sexually. When I was a teenager and he came after me for what I thought would be something even more serious, I swung the canister vacuum out him and hit him in the head in self-defense. I was screaming at him. Not only did I have Jekyll and Hyde in my father but I never knew on any given day if or when my brother would come after me. I could not wait to get out of the house and go away to college.
The pattern you described fits my family as well with my brother being five years older than me. No other siblings. At the time he weighed about 280 pounds at 6‘5“ tall before he lost about 75 pounds. But still, a looming aggressive figure in the household.
On top of that, as you also stated, he would deliberately cause pain in other ways. As if to rub things in my face and make me feel bad. Besides his day job, on weekends he worked as a bouncer at the major performing arena in our major metropolitan city. He knew who my favorite band was of all time. He used to get tickets and backstage passes to anybody he wanted. I woke up one Saturday morning and on the kitchen counter there were two unused backstage passes for my favorite group. Guess when the concert was? The night before. He would do things like that as if to say gotcha.
In our family system, my mother was the child, I was the adult and peacekeeper, my brother was the troublemaker and my drinking dad was the breadwinner around whom our entire family revolved. There were times my father would even drive around in our station wagon with the family while drinking in open can of beer. What a mess. 50 years later in my mother swears she never remembers my dad doing this. That’s consistent with her dissociation and major gaps in memory of memories too difficult to hold onto. But not for me. Counseling in my 50s has helped tremendously. Only my therapist knows about this stuff and now those of you reading. I still don’t know if I will ever be able to share what happened with those close to me although I think they would be very supportive and listening and encouraging. I’m sure I’m not alone as millions of other people around the world have gone through this sort of trauma. The shame I have held onto all of these years has been incredible. It’s as if we carried the shame that should have been placed on the shoulders of the responsible party, the abuser.
Again, thank you for putting this topic out front. I really sincerely hope you will have one or more follow up sessions. I’m going to check out the book you recommended. Sounds like a good one.
Whew. I think I've done more healing work with your videos than at any point in years of therapy, diagnosis, medication, and hospitalizations. It's so fucking important what you are doing, I just can't express it enough. I appreciate you so much.
Man. Thank you. It was so nice to hear “I believe you” and not “It’s just because he’s a little brother he’ll mature eventually.”
Thanks for believing me! It was my little sister that was so abusive, all through childhood and into adulthood. My family won't talk about it because they don't want to get involved or pick sides, which means I get blamed equally for what happened. Thankfully my sister discarded me so I don't have to deal with her trauma bonding and psychotic thinking anymore, but it was really painful to deal with that blow on my own and have to watch my family get together with her from afar and not be invited. I've since learned to cope and try to let it go. It was never about me, anyway.
Are you me? 😩😭❤❤❤❤❤❤
This is my experience. My extended family thinks she's so much fun. I told everyone at one function and many family members told me to ignore it. Now I know why I made sure to not go to family gatherings and now I refuse to go unless my partner goes with me and will protect me from her. I blocked her number and I'm now working through the grief that my family isn't what I thought they would be. It hurts even more being Caribbean and Latina because in those cultures you just don't let family get to you. You always make time for gatherings and you never have a sad face and you act like them and not like a weird person. But I can't. I can't lie to myself. I just need to get the acceptance stage of grief already.
Thank GOD! There isn’t a lot of information on sibling abuse available to the public l. I’ve been waiting for this moment... TURN IT UP!
Lol Addie, I know thats right! thanks for making me smile:)
The lack of reaction and enabling from my parents bothers me till this day. I was big for my age so it was mostly verbal from two older and one younger, but phrases like "You were adopted" or "I hope/wish you were adopted" were common and never corrected by my mother. I was witty enough to clap back but of course when I did my parents would step in and reprimand me. Naturally that double standard and mistreatment caused my siblings to go harder because "you don't have feelings" and I would be "the trouble child" just reacting verbally to three siblings on one. Now they tell me "They're scared of me" because they've slandered me so much to each other they're convinced I'm a maniacal villain. To this day my entire family blames me for how I acted as a child, and literally laughs at me when I point out obvious mistreatment, of course they did nothing wrong. "Come to me and or your father when you have trouble with your siblings!" Oh, but I would. And after a few rounds of "ask your mother ask your father" I would handle the situation myself, and then of course that's when they get away form the respective TV and computer screen and deal with it and of course I was the one who got punished. It's blows my mind how reasonable I became as an adult despite everything, I've come so far in healing. Thank you for articulating this.
BTW, this sickens me… I get it totally! God bless you…exact same story for me…you don’t have to do anything to be loved! Just hang around, do what occurs to you, and that’s it. End of story❤️
I was called a “problem child” and burden by my sister and my mother just stood there not saying anything.
Thank you for this. Older brother is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He’s a narcissist with ASD traits. I was always brushed off for being “sensitive” and was discouraged from sharing “family secrets”. It’s been 3 years since I went no contact. Entire extended family and mother shamed and judged me until they followed suit the following year. Unfortunately, I had a falling out with all of them due to my mother ‘s scapegoating, but I haven’t felt better!
“Children abuse each other when their needs are not met”. Thank you Patrick for validating this truth. It doesn’t excuse the abuse we received but it does shed light on possible root cause of our abusers’ motive. I internalized a lot of the abuse as though it was my fault somehow. It also allows me to understand my own hurtful reactions to the family dysfunction where I acted out. Thank you for your helpful and enlightening videos.
Just the idea that siblings can be abusive is profound. I had two sisters that were over a decade older than me who were the acting parental figures. My sisters expected me to have the maturity of a teenager and looked down on me for being immature. I was made to feel ashamed for being a child. I was always made to feel weird. My parents never stepped in to correct their behaviour towards me. No wonder I had and still have poor self esteem. I still lack a sense of belonging.
What you described - being ridiculed for not acting far older than your age - was the core of my trauma. Even after graduating high school valedictorian and getting into college on a full ride, my older siblings called me “Buster” (a la Arrested Development) into my mid-20s to infantilize me.
Thankfully they both apologized, and they are not like that at all anymore, but it sucked having such an unhappy first 30-ish years of life. What they did was based on what they perceived as parental favoritism, which I totally understand given our context. However, I’m only just now starting to feel like I have a right to my own opinions, and to take credit for any success in life instead of attributing it to luck.
I seriously think your videos are going to be used and talked about for centuries. No. Joke. Like you need some kind of award! The collection you've made is epic!!!!
Thank you so much for making this video! My older brother was incredibly abusive. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I remember locking myself in my room for hours out of the day, until someone came home. He would eat my food until none was left, I would remain hungry for hours. My parents never addressed his mental health issues, and didn’t care about my cries for help.
Well been there, my brother used to hit me everyday, yell at me, even kick me on the stomach, i tried to tell my mom recently after so many years and my mom ended up saying i should have gone to the police and started putting a show almost fainting and saying that i should let things go :(
I wish I would've found your channel sooner, your videos are really helpful.
About half a year ago I cut off contact with my mother and my brother after moving out and finally being able to process a lot of stuff that has happened.
My parents divorced when I was arround 7/8, and me and my siblings stayed with my mother which ended up in a lot of manipulation, badmouthing my father and lack of care/attention. Me and my siblings all had different results because of that.
My brother (4 years older) would cause trouble to get attention from my mother, like picking on kids in school, starting fights with my mother and bullying me or sometimes my sister. A lot of the times when my brother would hit me, my mother would laugh about it or ignore it. Same went for emotional abuse.
That all together with being bullied in school until I was arround 15, made me feel insanely lonely and after seing other kids get along with their family and classmates I started blaming myself for my situation.
Originally I was ready to forgive my brother for the emotional and phisical abuse, even though it is still pretty recent (I'm 20 and the abuse started getting less frequent when I was 17, but never really stopped.).
He was just a kid that wanted to feel noticed and didn't have the perspective of what long term problems his actions can cause. It would have been my mother's responsibility to step in and "protect" me.
At the end, when I cut off contact with my mother, he started a huge argument saying that I'm weak for being this affected by what he has done to me and then saying that we are no longer brothers anymore, which I am kind of glad for by now to be honest.
(sry for dropping a giant essay like that in a comment. I just wanted to write this down to kind of reflect on this topic. I tried getting a therapist to properly deal with this, but in the last couple months my lack of motivation and my substance abuse have became bigger problems, which ironically enough made getting the work done to get help way harder for me.)
I used to cry and ask my brother why he hurt me so horribly and he’d say “bc I’m the man of the house.” My father was an workaholic and constantly sleeping around/absent. After confronting my father about what happened growing up, he said “well I don’t know what you wanted me to do. I beat his ass a few times bc of how he treated you.” Like ah yes. Because beating your child for abusing your other child is going to teach them anything other than “it’s okay to hurt the people you ‘love’ - anyway thank you for this video. It truly meant so much to be validated in this way. It makes me feel so heartbroken that even though I was constantly begging for help, no one looked out for me and helped. I have so many resentments because life could’ve been so much easier for me in my adult life. I’ve been working on healing for 7 years and still am struggling so much.
Thank you for believing and your support. Nobody believed me when I was there growing up surrounded by narcissists. I never want to hear from them again or see them! And I can never forgive them either.
I've been wondering, almost worrying, about how much my three children are squabbling, especially with being stuck with only each other during all the lockdowns, online school, etc.
But none of what they're doing is like this. More just getting annoyed by each other "he's breathing on me!" or when they physically fight there's definitely a line they don't want to cross and if someone actually gets hurt there's a lot of remorse.
I guess we're all having cabin fever. And it's difficult with three, as someone is often left out. Hopefully as long as it's not always the same person, it will be okay.
I'm grateful for my mom's hard work to give me and my sister a less abusive family than she grew up with, and I'm trying to do even better for my children.
Also, just recently discovered that I am on the spectrum. This is giving me a much needed flood of suppressed memories, allowing me to really get to the origin of all the stuff.
Bless your heart…I think I’m there too, but also think I’m highly sensitive👍
I'm on that journey myself, it's a reframing of absolutely everything and opened some things up that I had thought were resolved. It's a lot, but very hopeful to be finally operating with true authenticity and self-understanding. There are good online support communities for late-diagnosed autistic people if you're not already connected, they're very validating.
I cannot thank you enough for this. My sister terrorized me in every way you can imagine, sexual, emotional, physical. She was cruel beyond imagination. She is 2 years older than me and she hated me and was delighted to cause me pain. My father totally ignored it and blamed me equally if he had to somehow see it and my mother encouraged it because she picked my sister as her golden child and substitute partner. I hate my sister and until today i feel terrified of her. I went no contact 2 years ago, with all of them, and have been healing ever since. There is very little info out there on sibling abuse so i really am grateful for your video. Finally someone is talking about it, acknowledging and validating the pain of the abused sibling. Thank you.
One of the more frustrating things is I was the oldest (by 7 years) of 5 kids. My oldest brother was incredibly violent towards me, but I often had to watch all of the younger kids most days.
This brother would scream in the ears of the toddlers, he would throw thing, hit, pinch, pull hair, bring out weapons, threaten arson etc.
But he was the golden child. I was always the one to speak up and tell the truth, so I was the scapegoat. My parents never cared or really believed anything. They'd insist it's my fault (that he acted exactly like his dad when there was no one around who had any real authority), and that I'm just trying to agitate him to get him in trouble.
He's been doing these things since before he could walk. Pinching me and then taking delight that I would get in trouble for being upset by it and just generally it didn't matter what he did, he didn't get in trouble because he "showed respect" to the parents and would act really guilty and apologetic the few times his temper flared up at them. He was "the good one".
When I was 7-8 my stepdad used to lock me outside of the house all the time. Presumably to make sure I don't end up waking up the baby. But suddenly it's criminal and abusive for me to lock that violent kid outside for 20 minutes to protect 3 other much smaller kids??
Anyway it was really telling because anytime I visited my dad (2-3 times a year) my brother would get very emotional and clingy and make a total 180 on his personality where he wanted us to be friends and wanted me to be around. Because when I'm not there the parental abuse did often fall on him, and he lost his safe punching bag.
This really went to some extremes when I was 18 and he was 12. The laundry room was just the far end of the kitchen, and he was doing laundry while I was putting dishes away. He got upset about something and threw a laundry basket at me, knocking me almost down and disorienting me. But I lunged forward soon after, and he had been running towards me to start punching while I was on the ground. He was not prepared for me to have not fully fallen, and to even be in a position to physically confront him, so he turned right around and ran into the corner by the washing machine. His dad comes in from outside and just starts screaming about how much of a risk I am to his kids, and called the cops on me, telling them that his young child is cowering in the corner while his adult stepdaughter is holding a knife over him and he doesn't know what's happening but he's just so scared of what that means.
The cops came and talked to everyone and evaluated my injuries. Even my brother admitted that he was the only person to actually do any of the violence and that I never really hit back anyway. So the cops came away telling the parents they just need to beat that kid more.
Also around that time it came out that he was sexually abusing a younger brother. And where my mom drilled into me that if I was to be sexually abused that would turn me into an abuser and turn myself into a target for more abuse and that my life would pretty much be over (one of many reasons I never told her about any of the sexual abuse), but with him actually abusing kids, it was just "oh he was abused, he needs therapy to learn about appropriate sexual behavior" When I was being completely written off as a terrible person for having even a basic trauma response to my stepdad breaking my collar bone or really anything else going on.
I moved out about a year later. And my brother insisted everything just got a lot better after that. But soon got expelled for bringing a knife to school. Then became homeless because my mom couldn't handle his violence and he "became" too much of a risk to the younger kids. But you know they still have to live with and respect their father that modeled and normalized the violent abuse and misogyny to begin with.
And to top it all off, I'm white. My stepdad is mexican. All my siblings are latine. And the fact that I went no contact, the fact that I was sensitive to the abuse and violence, and that I would regularly point out that he was the source of the issue only served to further alienate me. To rally my siblings behind this whole glorification of abuse as being "latine culture" and any issues taken being "whiny white girl stuff". Only white people cut off toxic family, good latine people know it's the child's job to just bear the brunt of abuse and generational trauma and maybe heal the parents, or at least value family enough to not throw it away or rip it apart because of personal feelings. And all this other bullshit that is clearly just trying to rationalize about why it isn't actually that bad and why it's actually right to blame me for everything bad in the family (with some splattering of blame also landing on my mom. But never their father).
As someone who was neglected by my (divorced) parents and emotionally/physically abused by my older sister, this hit home for me. Thank you so much. I know I have a lot of work to do to heal from this, but finally having this acknowledged is such a relief.
Same situation :)
I’m about to get to the blocked memories of horrendous sexual abuse by my oldest brother. And yes, he was very messed up, and my parents knew that, and they did nothing to protect the rest of us, especially me, from him and his sadism. When I did try to get hrlp, by telling my mother, she said I was lying. I just recently confronted her about this-while she was begging for reconciliation-and her response was to shout at me that I am required to forgive her because I need that for myself. “Yes, mother, I can see that, how you’re just demanding forgiving because you want the best for me .... and of course, you want me to shut up and not talk about what he did to me-on your watch.”
She’s a lonely old hag anymore, but that still didnt stop her from triangulating and further scapegoating me because I had the audacity to speak the truth. She wants absolution without earning it-without even saying she is sorry I suffered like that, sexually abused and assaulted by her son, over and over again.
She’d better hope her religion is wrong and that there is no hell.
My mother tried to say I somehow caused my older brother to abuse me sexually and otherwise. When I pushed back on that, she said he was just curious, sexually. When I asked her what her point was in telling me that, she tried to say it wasn't anyone's fault and bad things jappen to lots of people and why can't I just move on, why do I want to "keep bringing this up"?
Anything, everything but acknowledging and taking responsibility for her role in creating the toxic environment. And God forbid anyone would ever, ever require him to acknowledge and take responsibility for being an abusive, exploitative bully - that's just unnecessary and shame on you for even thinking about it!
"No Contact, No Fear, No Obligation and No Guilt" has been my salvation
It seems, our parents are also abused children. Break the cycle. Sever the connection with narcissistic people in our lives.
Thank you Patrick. I am in such shambles over sibling and mother abuse, and it gets worse with age. 57 and 25 years NC. I would like to start working on a one to one basis, but my sadness is not dissapating and I will irritate you with my emotions. I will go to your website and schedule an appointment. I am from South Africa, a child of the 70's who have seen so much trauma and carrying so much guilt.
How are you doing 😊😊👋👋🙏
Thank you. I never understood why no one ever stopped her. No one ever said "don't do that to your little sister." I have no relationship with her for 10 years now. It's a relief not to have her in my life. To this day the other siblings don't see it. I'm the bad one, I'm the black sheep.
Wow, so many things described in this video are the story of my childhood. I don't know why I'm so blown away at how spot on your descriptions are. 39 years and I never thought this abuse was so common that you are talking as if you know me and my family. I can't thank you enough.
I tend not to comment on videos, especially with hella personal stuff but I just needed to thank you for this. In my family I have a little brother who has always been abusive and it’s never really been acknowledged. He’s on the spectrum ( but honestly I’m not even sure of that anymore because it’s never talked about and never addressed in anyway ) and that was used as an excuse like “we’ll he doesn’t fully understand what he’s doing” or my favorite (joking) “he just doesn’t know how strong he is he can’t help it”. There have been times I have been genuinely terrified of him and that’s never been addressed. I have 3 very prominent traumatic memories of him and I’m honestly feeling like I made two of them up because of how much they’re dismissed. I’m never supposed to talk about what he’s done because “well it was in the past and he apologized you really need to stop playing the victim already”. But I think we all know how it feels to get that apology that they were definitely forced into and don’t mean at all and then are expected to accept it.
It’s all just frustrating but I at least found comfort in how seen I felt in this video and that means a lot to me.
I'm the youngest of 9. My parents could technically have been my grandparents going by their ages. So when I came along, they were pretty tired. I basically had 8 other parents instead of siblings. Not all of them were bad, just certain ones. Both of my parents have passed, and I was one of their caregivers. Been in therapy ever since. 6 years. Just now getting into inner child work. Very painful.
It’s very painful. People don’t often talk about the intense feelings that come from abuse. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD from the terror I experienced from my sibs. Thank God. My doctor said my body was in a constant state of shock. Of course it was…I never knew if I would live or die…new meds; body relaxed…finally❤️
This was my childhood. To a T!! I have never felt so validated. I was crying watching this. Thank you. I needed this video tonight. Thank you for saying “I believe you.” That meant so much to me. I have so much healing to do, but, I’m finally ready to start.
Thank you so much for doing this for free… my trauma recovery process has been very self led due to cost. This is an incredible resource ❤️
Totally agree. So grateful
The emojis on the toxic family tree are actually spot on. Thanks for being real Patrick.