Hey Daniel, lovely video. I think this is an area where new commers could use a lot of guidance. It's also good to talk about what happens when you give in and go back. Here are some specific things that work for me, a person with no "chosen" family either. 1. Mother/fathers day. The pressure from socal media is intense. Either stay offline or write a post being thankful to your self 2. Keep a note in your pocket so when everyone is telling you to just give in you'll have something to fall back on. Mine says, "you are self and well cared for on your own" 3. Don't except invitations from randoms to join their family. It's very awkward and tends to have weird complications 4. Take a moment to appreciate your own company. No fights no insults, so peaceful 5. Do something small for your self. For me it's a beer and a slice of cake on my birthday. Perhaps a nice candle or a favorite TV show. Good luck friends
I haven't spent the holidays with my parents for 3 years now, and I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. The first year I decided I wasn't going to go back to their house to spend Christmas it was because my brother had separated himself from us, and I didn't want to fake being around my parents because I k ew I would miss my brother too much. Knowing that he too was going to be spending Christmas alone, I too wanted to spend Christmas alone so I could feel a little closer to him. The following years I've just continued spending Christmas alone. I prefer it this way, its sometimes painful but I know I'm better off without them. I always used to feel guilty about it but over time it gets easier.
Needed this & really grateful for your insights & comraderie. I’m going thru a round of over empathising and identifying with my mother’s feelings after she has contacted me yet again to ask if I’m ‘ready yet’ to be back in touch. As if it’s just a break I needed with no other changes being needed by anyone else. Coming up to 5 years of being broken away. Already started to ore empty this Christmas period too as it’s always a trigger/crunch point in so many ways. I feel intoxicated -poisoned - by my family’s feelings especially my mothers.
Thanks I watched it several times! I like the point they manipulate me to feel their feelings, so that I would return to under their control. And you remind me if I go back, it's just same drama over and over again, I would disappoint and hurt again just like the past days. It's just unrealistic expectations.
Getting away from one's family is much much easier thanks to these videos and Daniel. This is good work. I also think of getting away from many elements of society and government, but Big Daddy Government is none too easy to be rid of, either . . .
There are ways to minimize that influence. There are places in the US where people truly do believe in small government. Not the "small" government some believe in, but truly minimal. These places are often rural.
I don't really celebrate holidays. I honor the winter Solstice as the New Year and that's about it. I don't even celebrate my birthday. I like it around midnight when the lights are on and and it's quiet - "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse".
I wish my parents got divorced a long time ago. Would have saved me from having to live with a father that bullied me and witness them continuously fight without a single tender loving moment. So glad to be free
This is one of the things that i don't regret, since holidays with my family was only a basis for more gult-tripping and shaming. And i always was alone with them anyway, so in that regard I'm better off now without them.
Today's my birthday. Starting to go low/no contact with my mom. She sent me 50 bucks which I could put to good use, so I felt conflicted. I went no contact with my dad. Holidays were always really hard. I remember crying during thanksgiving. They told me to stop crying. Went no contact with my grandmother and it's been almost a year. No regrets. No more concern about temper tantrums and criticism out of nowhere.
In the country i live (not usa), I am forced by law to be broken from all my friends, all my family, all my customers, and all the shops and restaurant i go to becoz i refused to be a participant in an experiment on my body, one performed by fully indemnified corporations that have long histories of receiving criminal fines and corrupt activity, and who now seem to have taken control our national healthcare system via the use of fear. And in reflection, i really have something to be thankful for, because no one stood up for me, everyone in my life turned on me except 1 or 2.. but id rather know what the world really is and who people in my life really are and this whole experience has flooded me with truth about people that i would have otherwise perhaps never discovered. Seems i had many manipulators well hidden in my life all along, and this entire experience revealed their hiding places. Gold is tested in the fire as they say.
Wow! For the first time my narc parents' total neglect pays off. We never had anything resembling holiday traditions. They were ao pathologically self referent that holidays were just their permission to take a small audience hostage for whatever show they felt like putting on that year. When it comes to holidays my only memories are my friends' families letting me come to a meal here and there. Nothing to miss. I think my mother prepared 1 holiday meal in my entire memory. They preferred to go to other relatives' homes and put down everything and start fights w people
Distancing myself from my siblings recently was just as hard as for me. The guilt has been tremendous especially when I don't' call for holidays or birthdays. But its finally starting to lessen. Its kind of funny because, every once in a while, one of them will try to connect and instead of having to explain my complicated feelings, I just text back how much I am loving the distance and how much I enjoy being my own family now that the more times goes on the more I start to feel that I may never go back.
Thank you for sharing! Good point about feeling the other persons feelings. It is so true in my case as well. For me in the past, it's been low contact, only meeting up on birthdays ( all family members birthdays), and holidays, however each time i've had to deal with my own physical manifestations ( anxiety, migraines, upset stomach and irritable bowel). I'm in conflict with what society says and my own thoughts on the situation about what it means to be a ''good'' daughter.
I was surprised if I did not miss ANY of them (parents+ family of origin) for even one second the entire time since first moment I had gone no contact from them. Not one second! That's how I knew that no contact was the right decision. During the holidays, I spoil myself. I buy my SELF presents. I do whatever I want when I want because I want. I have no one to answer to.^^
I’ve been dealing with this for 18 years. I haven’t seen my family on holidays or at all, really, for all that time. It’s kind of gotten easier, but not really…
Things are a lot better now than they were with my family, with my parents especially. But I still worry that it's not a good environment for me. They don't shame or judge me, or manipulate me, in the same way as before (largely because I've made it clear that I will leave permanently if they do). But I'm worried it's still not great because I don't really get recognised, I don't really feel seen. Is that reason enough to not be around them? I can't tell if it's just my own work at this point that needs doing or if what's really holding me back is not demanding that people recognise me. The question really frightens me. But also, just reading this back to myself, I see how I've used fear to get my family to treat me properly. I could try work on that, to try to engage without being defensive. I dunno, Daniel - how do you know how much is your responsibility and how much is theirs? Surely I could grow to a point where I'm able to handle my own vulnerability and yet invite them to open up theirs, with compassion. Is that asking too much from myself?
@@xslt1692 I got my dog here and nobody will be getting out of Aus without the vax certificate. I have travelled in many places around the world, I love the land here so i'll make my stand on home turf. The plan is to at least move out of the city suburbs to a regional area where it's less intense. All the best.
That's the problem isn't it? We then have to carry the guilt of hurting our parents. My mother started emotionally blackmailing me saying she had to take medication because I wouldn't see her when I had offered to see her with a professional only... I wasn't strong enough not to give in, but others who are I would say tell them you'll, only see them with a therapist (etc) and don't be weak like me. My mother used me as her medication in an abusive relationship, and if I didn't capitulate she was the victim...!
I think the carrying of her/their emotions and the manipulation that goes with is what was going on before-and causing so much pain and illness in me-it’s just continuing in another form post breaking away. It helps to me to think of it that way. It’s just more of the same. Not a new issues or reflection of something I should be doing differently (even tho the guilt and anxiety invoked can make me question myself)..
Some of the most subversive, honest content on TH-cam. You're also from Upstate NY which makes it even better. Thanks Daniel.
Hey Daniel, lovely video. I think this is an area where new commers could use a lot of guidance. It's also good to talk about what happens when you give in and go back.
Here are some specific things that work for me, a person with no "chosen" family either.
1. Mother/fathers day. The pressure from socal media is intense. Either stay offline or write a post being thankful to your self
2. Keep a note in your pocket so when everyone is telling you to just give in you'll have something to fall back on. Mine says, "you are self and well cared for on your own"
3. Don't except invitations from randoms to join their family. It's very awkward and tends to have weird complications
4. Take a moment to appreciate your own company. No fights no insults, so peaceful
5. Do something small for your self. For me it's a beer and a slice of cake on my birthday. Perhaps a nice candle or a favorite TV show.
Good luck friends
Thank you for your suggestions!
I haven't spent the holidays with my parents for 3 years now, and I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. The first year I decided I wasn't going to go back to their house to spend Christmas it was because my brother had separated himself from us, and I didn't want to fake being around my parents because I k ew I would miss my brother too much. Knowing that he too was going to be spending Christmas alone, I too wanted to spend Christmas alone so I could feel a little closer to him. The following years I've just continued spending Christmas alone. I prefer it this way, its sometimes painful but I know I'm better off without them. I always used to feel guilty about it but over time it gets easier.
Needed this & really grateful for your insights & comraderie. I’m going thru a round of over empathising and identifying with my mother’s feelings after she has contacted me yet again to ask if I’m ‘ready yet’ to be back in touch. As if it’s just a break I needed with no other changes being needed by anyone else. Coming up to 5 years of being broken away. Already started to ore empty this Christmas period too as it’s always a trigger/crunch point in so many ways. I feel intoxicated -poisoned - by my family’s feelings especially my mothers.
Year Six of being grateful that I exited a toxic situation.
Don't survive; thrive.
Thanks I watched it several times! I like the point they manipulate me to feel their feelings, so that I would return to under their control. And you remind me if I go back, it's just same drama over and over again, I would disappoint and hurt again just like the past days. It's just unrealistic expectations.
Getting away from one's family is much much easier thanks to these videos and Daniel. This is good work. I also think of getting away from many elements of society and government, but Big Daddy Government is none too easy to be rid of, either . . .
There are ways to minimize that influence. There are places in the US where people truly do believe in small government. Not the "small" government some believe in, but truly minimal. These places are often rural.
I don't really celebrate holidays. I honor the winter Solstice as the New Year and that's about it. I don't even celebrate my birthday. I like it around midnight when the lights are on and and it's quiet - "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse".
I wish my parents got divorced a long time ago. Would have saved me from having to live with a father that bullied me and witness them continuously fight without a single tender loving moment. So glad to be free
This is one of the things that i don't regret, since holidays with my family was only a basis for more gult-tripping and shaming. And i always was alone with them anyway, so in that regard I'm better off now without them.
Very grateful for your videos! There's something that resonates with your insights and advice that I couldn't quite get in therapy.
Today's my birthday. Starting to go low/no contact with my mom. She sent me 50 bucks which I could put to good use, so I felt conflicted. I went no contact with my dad.
Holidays were always really hard. I remember crying during thanksgiving. They told me to stop crying. Went no contact with my grandmother and it's been almost a year. No regrets. No more concern about temper tantrums and criticism out of nowhere.
Happy birthday! Try to be focused on yourself today. Be generous with self love and self appreciation.
Happy birthday!! Wishing you a great day.
In the country i live (not usa), I am forced by law to be broken from all my friends, all my family, all my customers, and all the shops and restaurant i go to becoz i refused to be a participant in an experiment on my body, one performed by fully indemnified corporations that have long histories of receiving criminal fines and corrupt activity, and who now seem to have taken control our national healthcare system via the use of fear. And in reflection, i really have something to be thankful for, because no one stood up for me, everyone in my life turned on me except 1 or 2.. but id rather know what the world really is and who people in my life really are and this whole experience has flooded me with truth about people that i would have otherwise perhaps never discovered. Seems i had many manipulators well hidden in my life all along, and this entire experience revealed their hiding places. Gold is tested in the fire as they say.
This analysis would have been so helpful to me decades ago.
Thank you so so much for this video. It will help me during the holidays coming up.
Wow! For the first time my narc parents' total neglect pays off. We never had anything resembling holiday traditions. They were ao pathologically self referent that holidays were just their permission to take a small audience hostage for whatever show they felt like putting on that year. When it comes to holidays my only memories are my friends' families letting me come to a meal here and there. Nothing to miss.
I think my mother prepared 1 holiday meal in my entire memory. They preferred to go to other relatives' homes and put down everything and start fights w people
Distancing myself from my siblings recently was just as hard as for me. The guilt has been tremendous especially when I don't' call for holidays or birthdays. But its finally starting to lessen. Its kind of funny because, every once in a while, one of them will try to connect and instead of having to explain my complicated feelings, I just text back how much I am loving the distance and how much I enjoy being my own family now that the more times goes on the more I start to feel that I may never go back.
You did the right thing. Hugs
Thank you for sharing! Good point about feeling the other persons feelings. It is so true in my case as well. For me in the past, it's been low contact, only meeting up on birthdays ( all family members birthdays), and holidays, however each time i've had to deal with my own physical manifestations ( anxiety, migraines, upset stomach and irritable bowel). I'm in conflict with what society says and my own thoughts on the situation about what it means to be a ''good'' daughter.
I was surprised if I did not miss ANY of them (parents+ family of origin) for even one second the entire time since first moment I had gone no contact from them. Not one second! That's how I knew that no contact was the right decision.
During the holidays, I spoil myself. I buy my SELF presents. I do whatever I want when I want because I want. I have no one to answer to.^^
You are so right about the microchip. I had it in me and it didn't really stop working until they passed away. Sad but true.
I’ve been dealing with this for 18 years. I haven’t seen my family on holidays or at all, really, for all that time. It’s kind of gotten easier, but not really…
Things are a lot better now than they were with my family, with my parents especially. But I still worry that it's not a good environment for me. They don't shame or judge me, or manipulate me, in the same way as before (largely because I've made it clear that I will leave permanently if they do). But I'm worried it's still not great because I don't really get recognised, I don't really feel seen. Is that reason enough to not be around them? I can't tell if it's just my own work at this point that needs doing or if what's really holding me back is not demanding that people recognise me. The question really frightens me. But also, just reading this back to myself, I see how I've used fear to get my family to treat me properly. I could try work on that, to try to engage without being defensive. I dunno, Daniel - how do you know how much is your responsibility and how much is theirs? Surely I could grow to a point where I'm able to handle my own vulnerability and yet invite them to open up theirs, with compassion. Is that asking too much from myself?
yeah, guilt trip parents are the yuk
Thanks for sharing your insights. It is very helpful. Peace
I'm kind of hoping i'm banned from any family Christmas lunch because I am not taking the needlecraft.
@@xslt1692
Nah, the cv jab. It's kind of a bit insane here in Melbourne Australia.
@@xslt1692
Yeah, it's really bad. It's a literal police state and the propaganda is relentless.
@@xslt1692
I got my dog here and nobody will be getting out of Aus without the vax certificate. I have travelled in many places around the world, I love the land here so i'll make my stand on home turf. The plan is to at least move out of the city suburbs to a regional area where it's less intense. All the best.
That's the problem isn't it? We then have to carry the guilt of hurting our parents. My mother started emotionally blackmailing me saying she had to take medication because I wouldn't see her when I had offered to see her with a professional only... I wasn't strong enough not to give in, but others who are I would say tell them you'll, only see them with a therapist (etc) and don't be weak like me. My mother used me as her medication in an abusive relationship, and if I didn't capitulate she was the victim...!
I think the carrying of her/their emotions and the manipulation that goes with is what was going on before-and causing so much pain and illness in me-it’s just continuing in another form post breaking away. It helps to me to think of it that way. It’s just more of the same. Not a new issues or reflection of something I should be doing differently (even tho the guilt and anxiety invoked can make me question myself)..
oh fuuuuh the system. for years. no more.
Life is trial and error x
@davidoffon I try to do the opposite of every single thing to do with parenting
Edit:
Airplane Scene| Louie
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