I feel like therapists often push the power of positivity rather than actually dealing with negative feelings. I found affirmations to just make me feel worse.
its such an up and down. And accepting even bad emotions is happyness. To tell myself its ok to be angry or sad. That is happyness for me. If I accept bad feelings I can also have the good ones
Daniel I don’t think you realize how paradigm shifting your videos are. The part about is the goal to be happy in life or is the purpose of healing our trauma is to be better at operating in the world, with other people and animals, and ourselves and I wholeheartedly agree. I thought I would be happier after dealing with my trauma but it really only made me feel worse but I can confirm it has made me more mindful of my decisions and the impact it has on myself and other people. It’s made me want to help people, not just people like me either. All people. Healing my trauma is making the world a better place by reducing the likelihood of the cycle of trauma. That’s how the world, everybody ends up happier when we stop perpetuating each others pain by dissociating from it.
I once parroted this concept to my therapist and she did NOT like it, she got defensive and couldn't even wrap her head around the idea. Really goes to show that she was more in the business of helping her clients dissociate rather than helping them heal.
The majority of my life has not been happy. As far back as I can remember I was at least anxious and always had a sense of being unsettled due to growing up in such a toxic family environment. I had depression for many years. I was just thinking today of how much I grew and how healthy I got as I achieved more and more independence. I think my struggles made me a stronger person.
Being at peace with yourself feels to me like the goal, like that should be the state of idle. That natural peaceful curiosity that occupies the mind sorta like it does with kids. Emotions like happiness, sadness, fear and anger are all reactions to things.
I completely agree. I’m healing from trauma and I have depression and I’m suicidal but I was invited to have a party today and I just didn’t feel like joining them even though they wanted me to join I know they don’t know about my mental health issues and how bad it is and I just couldn’t feel like putting a fake smile on my face infront of them.They’re in the other room having fun and they’re so loud while I’m watching this video and in my room and I feel so much better being alone and this is much more quality time than joining them and having blank happiness with shallow relationships.. I’m trying to say no to things that dissociates me from myself and I think I protected myself this time.
'Life is nice and there to be enjoyed.' A final response from a friend when talking about existential questions, like how to deal with all the suffering in the world, something like that. So it was what you mention, this goal of blindness to the dark things that are a huge part of reality. This supposedly upbeat, good boy response felt so rejecting, numbed and dead to me. Shortly before I head from a very different person 'When I was only positive and happy I felt like I was making a huge part of myself homeless.' It seemed so much more true and alive.
Wow! That was an intense video. Thanks for clearing some things out. I'm not taking abuse from my coworkers anymore. I'm setting boundaries more. It is a slow process but I can't be dead inside. I don't want to be just to fit in.
React to your thoughts and feelings with passion and try to understand them in order to be alive. Accepting your thoughts and feelings exist and do nothing about is a road to emotional dissociation that Daniel is talking about
@@elenabalyberdina2393 - I don’t think the two tactics have to be mutually exclusive. Plenty of meditators have done lots of therapy and self archaeology. At some point when you’ve understood and processed your past it’s then time to stop letting it define your life or impeding happiness. I find that’s most often the point that people who practice meditation are at in life, in my experience.
@@67NewEngland As long as they aren't using it to numb their feelings. My experience with meditators is this...and they have NOT done a deep grieving process. Once you do the feeling work, you don't really need something to quiet your thoughts. That's just my experience with it. I see people meditating and getting into so-called spirituality who have never re-experienced their original rage and grief on a deep level. I see it as dissociative, not healing. When you've done the feeling work and as you said "understood and processed your past"...there really isn't any need for meditation.
Agreed. Mindfulness is the new "tune in and tune out" movement of the 60's. It's used to help one disassociate even more and not bother trying to see the systemic problems all around us, in our family and societal (corporate consumer) systems. I think it was not long after Bobby McFerrin had a hit with "Don't worry, be happy" that he attempted suicide. Life is suffering. The goal is to try to relieve that suffering for others (and for oneself). If everyone felt this way that would go a long way to achieve at least fulfillment.
Bobby McFerrin did not attempt suicide. This idea was rumor that spread presumably due to its intrinsic catchiness, and it suggests that people are motivated to discredit other’s wellbeing.
This was so refreshing to watch, Daniel. I tend to agree with the overall message, I feel like it's either paying the price of emotional awareness (and also enjoying the deep meaning that it brings to your life as you become more integrated) or dissociating by pushing down the scary/negative feelings, which results in being overly focused on superficial things that give you pleasure then ending up being all confused when anxiety/depression or both come and punch you in the face out of nowhere - the 'surprise attack' being a manifestation of the unresolved issues you've been ignoring for too long.
A life of meaning is better than aiming for happiness because you can’t maintain that but meaningful life can sustain you through periods of hardship or unhappiness
Always here for a Daniel take. It's true that meditation - like any activity or spiritual practice - can be used to dissociate. For me, the goal is awakening and opening. And it's just another way to stay with and turn towards the discomfort that arises habitually. Insight meditation was foundational to IFS, not incidentally.
I mostly do not comment on videos,but the things that you talked about in this video and in general I have been noticing for the past couple of years now,with myself.I don't know if you'll see this but your channel has helped me procces a lot of my teenagehood and helped me understand how to deal with the mental battles that take place in my mind everyday.From the bottom of my heart,thank you for that
Whenever I do self-therapy I always try to think about how Daniel would deal with the situation. His honesty and openness about how to deal with the traumas of the past helps me immensely.
There is happy in the sense of pleasure. Then there is the ancient Greek sense of happiness, which is more like the living of a complete life. Our current culture prizes the first at the expense of the second.
You've really nailed something that is extremely important and done so with tremendous lucidity and courage. I have understood for a long time that the constant pursuit of happiness not only misses the point of life but is psychologically damaging. And your account fills out the reasons perfectly. Thank you for this.
This is so thought-provoking, thank you! This is prompting me to reconsider my motivation for self-healing work. I do have the hope of more happiness as a result of self-healing work, and maybe I need to rethink that. But, like you, I never was able to completely push away all the ugliness in order to "be happy". And yes, I find myself feeling a twinge of envy when I see other people able to be happy gliding on the surface of life. But I haven't been able to manage to do that...so I keep doing the work of facing the discomfort lurking under the surface of life. I guess I need to just understand the fact that I am not cut out to be a surface dweller. And appreciate the richness that can come from dealing with those deeper aspects of life. It often sucks, no doubt, but sometimes it can actually be something much more substantial than surface-level happiness, a kind of positive feeling that I don't have the words to describe.
I feel the same. The word that I like to use more and more is congruency. To come to a state where body, mind and speech are perfectly in line with the flow of life... Maybe peace or reconciliation is the better term. In my process I definitely noticed more happiness and that happiness actually came from within... But I also have to be careful to see if that happiness is really for sure or if I was jusf fooling myself.
Yes, I love this, I have long told people that I don't think happiness is the meaning of life. I would often use the example of Ï was happier when I believed in Santa Klaus "
Wow, intense video. Just had a conversation about happiness a few nights ago. I was you Daniel. The other person did not understand. So wow, this video came at great timing. You are such an interesting speaker too, thanks for your 'wild truths', I resonate with a lot of them it seems.
This is on point. I think a lot of this "happiness" is just wanting to not feel bad. Being comfortably numb, as lyrics in one of Pink Floyd's songs says.
I rarely ever seen my mother suffer. Which I thought was good. She worked hard, played hard and slept well my whole life that I remember. But what I didn't realize most of that time is she was basically torturing and destroying me the whole time. She was a perfectionist like Mommy dearest but played Mommy dearest better than Mommy dearest. I rarely ever seen her loose her temper out in public like Mommy dearest did. So yeah her being HAPPY wasn't so great of a thing when she's destroying me and I also HAD to be happy also or really just kind of ZOMBIED out because Mom didn't like it when I was happy or sad. Feelings weren't allowed. It was not Okay to be a human being just HAAAAPY. Yeeeeaaaah!
Do you feel like alienating you from your emotions was done to damage you specifically, like unhealthy parents do? Seems to me in order to make you disfunctional so you won't have relationships and end up avandooning them? Or was it a gender thing: Were you the only child? Did your mom treated your sisters diferent?
@@kittenm2784 I was an only child and my mom and dad devorced when I was 12. Then when I was about 23 years old just out of the Army and back from the first Gulf War and traumatized she and her husband adopted a baby girl. Mom's treated that one like gold. It's really discusting and a long story and I just started learning about this narcissism stuff four or five years ago and realizing most of my family are basically psychopaths so mother has done just about anything to destroy me from small things to large things like stealing a home and a family from me. I remember one time many years ago when things were starting to go well for me and I was looked up to by authority figures she was getting sick and saying she thinks she needs to see a therapist and even that she was going to die. I have no idea what she was talking about. But she stuck it to me several times since then and have ruined all that and I've never heard her complain about needing to see a therapist or dying since. She is just Demonic and evil to the core. And an extreme coward. God bless you and anyone affected by people like these.
@@russellm7530 OMG That's horrible. I hope you get to stay away from her. What she done is incredibly disconsiderate. I also hope you could get some theraphy for the PTSD. Thank you for your service, and I'm so outraged by what she done to you.
, You are continuing to show me how I still lack perspective on myself, life, and people, You brought up a very good distinction, I never considered, I might be dissociating, instead of denying my problems
I think the goal of people like who you describe is to get along, survive, and make others believe they're happy. They've decided that's good enough, and they are convinced they are fooling everybody. A few can see through it.
Blessings upon you Daniel, cause you are one of the more adult self conscious and honest soul we couod meet on our way.. Thank you, to be you. People tgat are empathetic, not always looks happy and ues this brings others to dislike them. But even more self conscious empathetic are kept aside, because people do not want to dig insidetheir own discomfort, and an honest self conscious person pushes them to question themsekves. So it is a solitary road untill you dont find your pack.. And i think this is what you fid creating so many your followers that are very likely hobest and drspised by the systems that these disconnected people created, like you.. And this is freedom, a space in which, by our own and with our pack we can all grow and trive.. Thank you Daniel🤗💕
Like the way a flower's goal should be to be a good flower, making the world better simply by being what it is, a human should try to be the best expression of a human's potential and their own uniqueness. A human isn't whole and can't really be a good human when shutting down all emotions and dissociating. That's more like a robot. Society is a macrocosm of dissociating toxic families, trying to push down anyone who tells the truth, and trying to make everyone else fake their own happiness, so those in power never have to face their own true selves.
Modern society expects everyone to be good little robots operating in a giant heartless machine that isa capitalist economy that worships only one thing: money.
I can so relate to everything you are saying. Our world is sick. And those who are considered insane are probably mentally more healthy because at least they feel empathy and see injustice. I think jesus said something about us not being of this world - we must be in it but not accept it as it is. Keep doing your thing truth and justice warrior.
I have heard this sentiment -- that happiness is not the goal of life -- in a few different ways, but I found Viktor Frankl's view on it to be the most interesting. In his book "Man's Search for Meaning" he argues that the true goal of life, the key to satisfaction is to find and fulfill one's own meaning (whatever it may be), that meaning is the most important aspect of the human experience to find (hence the book's title)
The goal of life is to achieve a happy life and not evade your unhappiness and just pretend that you are happy. You are confounding two different concepts.
Thank you Daniel 🙏🏼 in the times of war, genocide and crimes against humanity around the world and in our city of NYC this message helps very much. All love to you Daniel 💚 hope to see you out in the streets fighting for a free Palestine, Sudan, Congo and everyone else 🤍
Oh you hit this out of the park... The existential angst and confusion I feel being named Happy??!! Repress, deny, disown, drug, isolate- my life everytime I am at odds with my name. Which is a lot. This video was ripped from the recesses of my mind .
The two best lines in the book: "It's not what I want out of life, it's what life wants out of me." "The Statue of Liberty on the East Coast should be supplemented with a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast."
Loved it! Stay you please! And since you are becoming such a whole and wonderful human being in the process, i would feel it is a shame that you wouldn't want any children. You are the exact person who is needed to have children so the good and sane can continue in the world and doesn't die with you!! :) Your heart is so pure.
People don't owe the world or anyone to have children. Even if they're healthy and healed enough, it's still their decision entirely about what to do with/in their lives. If it wasn't their willful decision, children would still suffer. There are a lot of ways people like that can shine in the world and that doesn't necessarily involve procreating.
Daniel, I used to be an extremely hard thinker - I schemed and plotted in social interactions - not to “get my way” or “win”, but just to be safe. Even when I tried to “help people” I was heavily relying on my intellect to problem solve, or imitate empathy by saying the words that mean “your feelings make sense”. Through meditation to bring my attention back to my root emotions and the present emotions and sensations in my body, and two months of trauma work (somatic therapy), I’ve become sooooo much more like what you described at the end of the video. I like to be there for my friends when they are sad, but that takes me a lot of energy because I’m introverted and now my empathy results in me mirroring their emotions in myself. The bigger their emotions, the more tiring this is. But what you neglected to focus on in the video I think is the fact that my joy from the smallest moments is also immense. Im fully in the moment in my walks to class, feeling the autumn breeze in my hair and sun on my skin. I literally feel like im melting into the sky. I think the answer to happiness is structuring your life so you can empathize with the difficulties of people who mean a lot to you, and maximize your environment so that there are more joyful things around you. Living location, hobbies, friends, etc.
Hi Daniel, thanks so much for this video. I really like the idea that happiness is a possible by-product or side-effect, rather than a goal. I like to think about success in the same way.
Thank you so much for addressing this.. for years decades I have been trying to figure out my unhappiness as people often called it. I mean people would tell me I am as happy as I make my mind to be., or that I need to believe in goodness and kindness of others when the predominant experiences in my life from my biological parents have been abuse, violence, brutality, neglect and abandonment. I don’t want to even begin telling you how my other relationships have been after I ran away from the abuse and neglect from my parents., you can deduct they were far from loving and caring. And for years I must have been suppressing the rage, anger and resentment towards those who abused me.! And now I am here listening to you tell me suppressing my most natural emotions and feelings is perhaps causing all that build up rage and misery ..!
I appreciate you so much. It seems you have retained such empathy despite the suffering you must have experienced to get to this point in life. That plus your unending self reflection: maybe that's the goal of life! Suffering, self reflection, retain empathy, repeat. Thank you for sharing. I'm out here listening.
I opine the goal is to do the best you can and leave things better off for your having been here. We'll all be dead soon and enough, so fight the good fight while you can.😊
My god, the way you describe your grandma, that's exactly my grandma. And she brought me up, so... its had its impact, but she was like ALWAYS happy, laughing , friends, parties and if ever I expressed negative emotions, I would be told off, squashed. But the way you explained her, no empathy, drinks every night, it was like you were talking about my Nan. And she would see that situation with the dad and daughter the way you described. And I'd look at her and think, how can you be so emotionally stupid? But the whole happy goal thing... I get caught in that, but that's because when I have thought about all the suffering and pain in the world, I generally can't cope, so to feel like I can even survive in this world without just seeing darkness wherever I go, I've become more empathically shut down so that I can still want to live myself...
okay.. I mean, joy is a state of being tho, I know that I might have some things that are not solved like to 100% that tho is not an excuse for me to hold back on being happy, being empathic and understanding people dose not mean that if someone is going show a difficult time then I'm not allowed to be happy because someone else is not, that is something I have believed for a long time, I was actually put down for being happy and people would tell me "how can you, after all that is happening around the world and don't you see how terrible that is and this is.." and I started believing it, I started believing that I was a terrible person because I was not suffering, even if I have gone throw certain unpleasant thing in my life, I was happily open about being emotional and I have had the opportunity to speak with people about certain things that happend in my life and that helped me a lot, dose not mean I was done with it, I still went throw a very heavy deep depression, was suicidal actually but now, yeah my God I'M happy big time, I enjoy so many things that I love doing because I'm just be, I get to be joyous FOR NO REASON AT ALL, just because I get to, this is what I want to me and what I want to give to the world and I love it, not like faking never being sed or angry or anything like that but I do laugh much more then I cry and I have not numbness anymore, thank GOD
Yeah. Totally agree. I remember when I was doing an internship at a job training program for "psychologically ill" juveniles and I was grieving that I had been locked in my house for like half a year. I had figuered out after like 2 seconds being there that the so called "psychologically ill" juveniles were way more present than the supposedly healthy tainers there. (Not saying the juveniles weren´t troubled...) And so after 4 days the manager kicked me out telling me that basically he doesnt want depressed people (and immature people, cus I´m 21) to do an internship there. Yes. Well.... Quite ironically that now I won´t become a therapist any time soon and the dissociated trainers there, half of them are doing the therapist´s training and will probably be done all the sooner.
I get your general theme and it's important. As a communal God worshipper; I can attest to the fact that experiencing a glimpse of heaven during worship empowers me and refreshes me in my good fight. Does not plunge me into denial. Far from it.
Why do I suffer? On the other side of that question is a freedom I am starting to catch brilliant glimpses of. Simply “letting go” things is a spiritual platitude and I agree that Buddhists seemed to be in a trance. It’s not my position to say that is wrong for them. I meditate but I don’t aim to be at peace and ease 24/7. The world is amazing yet we are, as humans, very lost and headed in very bizarre directions. To be truly human is to be thoroughly curious as to how and why I think, feel, and operate. That is my goal thus far on my journey.....that could change. “God” or “the spirit of the universe” (the name does not matter) has a sense of humor and is beyond our comprehension. This is only a blip in the life of my soul.
These videos are tremendously helpful. Its good to know that real help comes from what is outside of the accepted convention. Truth stands alone and needs nothing to prop it up . Honestly look for truth, be sincere in quest to be healed and prioritize the well being of others...and the truth with her companions, healing and peace, will find you.
I can relate to much of what you say here. Recently for the umpteeth time my mom said that she just wanted me to be happy. And so mom that's not my goal at all. What I really want is to be at peace with myself.
I agree with everything you say here, anxiety is in large part a product of developmental trauma. Another factor is that our primitive brain systems are precautionary, that's what kept us alive). But... (and)... when we are active in defining and looking after our needs, then the "positive" emotions tend to increase. Its the difference between being anxious and content, between disappointed and joy, between fear and trust.
Maybe the goal of life should be to not have goals. For almost, every other species on this earth, their life's work is pretty basic: find enough to food to survive and find a mate to pass on their genes. They never once have to justify their existence and seek out a raison d'etre.
You say that happiness isn’t the goal, then you explain that peoples’s happiness isn’t real, and then you acknowledge that you are “happier” after working through your trauma and connecting with your genuine self. Your story is insightful and very helpful, and your observations ring true. But people using ‘happy’ as a euphemism for dissociation and outward appearance does not mean happiness is the problem, it means those people are actually unhappy. If we approach happiness as an actual goal and are honest with ourselves in understanding our experience of wellbeing, then certainly happiness can be a suitable and honorable aim.
I will add that some people dismiss the persuit of happiness as trivial and selfish only to later complain of various unhappinesses in their lived experience. It seems to me that understanding wellbeing and taking some authority over our own happiness will serve us well, and benefit our loved ones. If happiness is explicity not the goal, is then unhappiness explicity the goal? Of course not. The real conversation is about the methods we use to acheive wellbeing, and the way we think about ourselves and our context.
Not what i mean when i say i choose happiness and not what the ascended masterd mean either. Life is a miracle a gift something to be enjoyed. With this mindset i can remember everything is for me even my thoughts n feelings. So its not ignoring it's being one with. thus healing. Thus seeing theee reality instead of illusions. Love you're perspectives peace
I have seen parents abuse their children and I pray for them because you really can't get involved. Sometimes I think back to these memories and continue to lift them up. This life is so painful. I think the goal is to "know God". Jesus was a "man of sorrows" and "aquainted with grief". I try to help others. And praise God. It gives me joy. I guess I look at all the pain-I'm not in denial - then "let it go"- not carrying all the pain arround- and choose to look for good and be grateful!
-7:23 Don’t bash meditation so quickly. It’s been proven to better develope the prefrontal cortex which is necessary for stress management. It’s also very common for people who meditate to be the same people who HAVE done the same archaeological investigating you speak of. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive tactics.
I feel like therapists often push the power of positivity rather than actually dealing with negative feelings. I found affirmations to just make me feel worse.
Yeah, they say instead of claiming something you truly don’t believe, change the way you say it. Instead of I am, try “ I want to be_____ “… etc.
Healing trauma is not a happy process BUT healing (my trauma) makes me happy!!!! Your teachings are so meaningful for me. Thank you.
Beautifully said! Here, here!!
its such an up and down. And accepting even bad emotions is happyness. To tell myself its ok to be angry or sad. That is happyness for me. If I accept bad feelings I can also have the good ones
Daniel I don’t think you realize how paradigm shifting your videos are. The part about is the goal to be happy in life or is the purpose of healing our trauma is to be better at operating in the world, with other people and animals, and ourselves and I wholeheartedly agree. I thought I would be happier after dealing with my trauma but it really only made me feel worse but I can confirm it has made me more mindful of my decisions and the impact it has on myself and other people. It’s made me want to help people, not just people like me either. All people. Healing my trauma is making the world a better place by reducing the likelihood of the cycle of trauma. That’s how the world, everybody ends up happier when we stop perpetuating each others pain by dissociating from it.
Thanks for sharing this 😀
I once parroted this concept to my therapist and she did NOT like it, she got defensive and couldn't even wrap her head around the idea. Really goes to show that she was more in the business of helping her clients dissociate rather than helping them heal.
People don't care what happens to people unless it happens to them.
“How can I even have a self, to have self-esteem about, if I don’t know my own history” 💯💯💯
The majority of my life has not been happy. As far back as I can remember I was at least anxious and always had a sense of being unsettled due to growing up in such a toxic family environment. I had depression for many years. I was just thinking today of how much I grew and how healthy I got as I achieved more and more independence. I think my struggles made me a stronger person.
Well done. There is gold in that struggle
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Being at peace with yourself feels to me like the goal, like that should be the state of idle. That natural peaceful curiosity that occupies the mind sorta like it does with kids. Emotions like happiness, sadness, fear and anger are all reactions to things.
This is very beautifully said.
Yes!!! Peace when the environment is peaceful, happiness when happy things or interactions come into your awareness, likewise for sad, angry, etc.
I completely agree. I’m healing from trauma and I have depression and I’m suicidal but I was invited to have a party today and I just didn’t feel like joining them even though they wanted me to join I know they don’t know about my mental health issues and how bad it is and I just couldn’t feel like putting a fake smile on my face infront of them.They’re in the other room having fun and they’re so loud while I’m watching this video and in my room and I feel so much better being alone and this is much more quality time than joining them and having blank happiness with shallow relationships.. I’m trying to say no to things that dissociates me from myself and I think I protected myself this time.
Baby steps like Daniel says....❤
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🙏
'Life is nice and there to be enjoyed.' A final response from a friend when talking about existential questions, like how to deal with all the suffering in the world, something like that.
So it was what you mention, this goal of blindness to the dark things that are a huge part of reality. This supposedly upbeat, good boy response felt so rejecting, numbed and dead to me.
Shortly before I head from a very different person 'When I was only positive and happy I felt like I was making a huge part of myself homeless.' It seemed so much more true and alive.
I constantly reject negative and sad parts of myself and it makes me only worse off in the long run
Wow! That was an intense video. Thanks for clearing some things out. I'm not taking abuse from my coworkers anymore. I'm setting boundaries more. It is a slow process but I can't be dead inside. I don't want to be just to fit in.
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Society does like dissociation.
It seems to be an attitude of "Your feelings are inconvenient so please kindly stuff them, thank you."
@@katehampstead6024 yes!
Society relies on it.
Society IS dissociation
@@azloii9781 Dissociety
Meditation is not to think things, but to not react to your thoughts and feelings. Simply accept they exist.
React to your thoughts and feelings with passion and try to understand them in order to be alive. Accepting your thoughts and feelings exist and do nothing about is a road to emotional dissociation that Daniel is talking about
@@elenabalyberdina2393 - I don’t think the two tactics have to be mutually exclusive. Plenty of meditators have done lots of therapy and self archaeology. At some point when you’ve understood and processed your past it’s then time to stop letting it define your life or impeding happiness. I find that’s most often the point that people who practice meditation are at in life, in my experience.
@@67NewEngland Thank you Ni Judy, Elena Balyberdina, 67NewEngland for the excellent discussion
@@67NewEngland As long as they aren't using it to numb their feelings. My experience with meditators is this...and they have NOT done a deep grieving process. Once you do the feeling work, you don't really need something to quiet your thoughts. That's just my experience with it. I see people meditating and getting into so-called spirituality who have never re-experienced their original rage and grief on a deep level. I see it as dissociative, not healing. When you've done the feeling work and as you said "understood and processed your past"...there really isn't any need for meditation.
@@anthonyiacobucci3652 from what ive seen, meditating is actually very spiritually destructive.
Agreed. Mindfulness is the new "tune in and tune out" movement of the 60's. It's used to help one disassociate even more and not bother trying to see the systemic problems all around us, in our family and societal (corporate consumer) systems. I think it was not long after Bobby McFerrin had a hit with "Don't worry, be happy" that he attempted suicide.
Life is suffering. The goal is to try to relieve that suffering for others (and for oneself). If everyone felt this way that would go a long way to achieve at least fulfillment.
Agreed. Spiritual bypassing is alive and well as a defence
exactly
Bobby McFerrin did not attempt suicide. This idea was rumor that spread presumably due to its intrinsic catchiness, and it suggests that people are motivated to discredit other’s wellbeing.
Modern society teaches to not feel empathy, without empathy we don't feel suffering of others, and as a result we don't care.
Tune in tune out was a disaster
Happiness is a fleeting feeling not a goal. The goal in life is to experience your senses, form emotional connections, and gain power.
This was so refreshing to watch, Daniel. I tend to agree with the overall message, I feel like it's either paying the price of emotional awareness (and also enjoying the deep meaning that it brings to your life as you become more integrated) or dissociating by pushing down the scary/negative feelings, which results in being overly focused on superficial things that give you pleasure then ending up being all confused when anxiety/depression or both come and punch you in the face out of nowhere - the 'surprise attack' being a manifestation of the unresolved issues you've been ignoring for too long.
man this really hits hard! thanks for sharing
How true
A life of meaning is better than aiming for happiness because you can’t maintain that but meaningful life can sustain you through periods of hardship or unhappiness
Always here for a Daniel take. It's true that meditation - like any activity or spiritual practice - can be used to dissociate. For me, the goal is awakening and opening. And it's just another way to stay with and turn towards the discomfort that arises habitually. Insight meditation was foundational to IFS, not incidentally.
I mostly do not comment on videos,but the things that you talked about in this video and in general I have been noticing for the past couple of years now,with myself.I don't know if you'll see this but your channel has helped me procces a lot of my teenagehood and helped me understand how to deal with the mental battles that take place in my mind everyday.From the bottom of my heart,thank you for that
You're welcome!! Wishing you the best! Daniel
Whenever I do self-therapy I always try to think about how Daniel would deal with the situation. His honesty and openness about how to deal with the traumas of the past helps me immensely.
There is happy in the sense of pleasure. Then there is the ancient Greek sense of happiness, which is more like the living of a complete life. Our current culture prizes the first at the expense of the second.
You've really nailed something that is extremely important and done so with tremendous lucidity and courage. I have understood for a long time that the constant pursuit of happiness not only misses the point of life but is psychologically damaging. And your account fills out the reasons perfectly. Thank you for this.
This is so thought-provoking, thank you! This is prompting me to reconsider my motivation for self-healing work. I do have the hope of more happiness as a result of self-healing work, and maybe I need to rethink that. But, like you, I never was able to completely push away all the ugliness in order to "be happy". And yes, I find myself feeling a twinge of envy when I see other people able to be happy gliding on the surface of life. But I haven't been able to manage to do that...so I keep doing the work of facing the discomfort lurking under the surface of life. I guess I need to just understand the fact that I am not cut out to be a surface dweller. And appreciate the richness that can come from dealing with those deeper aspects of life. It often sucks, no doubt, but sometimes it can actually be something much more substantial than surface-level happiness, a kind of positive feeling that I don't have the words to describe.
I feel the same. The word that I like to use more and more is congruency. To come to a state where body, mind and speech are perfectly in line with the flow of life... Maybe peace or reconciliation is the better term.
In my process I definitely noticed more happiness and that happiness actually came from within... But I also have to be careful to see if that happiness is really for sure or if I was jusf fooling myself.
Eternally grateful to have discovered Daniel Mackler at only 24
Yes, I love this, I have long told people that I don't think happiness is the meaning of life. I would often use the example of Ï was happier when I believed in Santa Klaus "
Oh yeah and that was a good thing you helping that old man Daniel.
God bless anyone affected by these kind of psychos.
Wow, intense video. Just had a conversation about happiness a few nights ago. I was you Daniel. The other person did not understand. So wow, this video came at great timing. You are such an interesting speaker too, thanks for your 'wild truths', I resonate with a lot of them it seems.
This is on point. I think a lot of this "happiness" is just wanting to not feel bad. Being comfortably numb, as lyrics in one of Pink Floyd's songs says.
Did you listen to the whole album?
I rarely ever seen my mother suffer. Which I thought was good. She worked hard, played hard and slept well my whole life that I remember.
But what I didn't realize most of that time is she was basically torturing and destroying me the whole time.
She was a perfectionist like Mommy dearest but played Mommy dearest better than Mommy dearest.
I rarely ever seen her loose her temper out in public like Mommy dearest did.
So yeah her being HAPPY wasn't so great of a thing when she's destroying me and I also HAD to be happy also or really just kind of ZOMBIED out because Mom didn't like it when I was happy or sad. Feelings weren't allowed.
It was not Okay to be a human being just HAAAAPY.
Yeeeeaaaah!
Do you feel like alienating you from your emotions was done to damage you specifically, like unhealthy parents do? Seems to me in order to make you disfunctional so you won't have relationships and end up avandooning them? Or was it a gender thing: Were you the only child? Did your mom treated your sisters diferent?
@@kittenm2784 I was an only child and my mom and dad devorced when I was 12.
Then when I was about 23 years old just out of the Army and back from the first Gulf War and traumatized she and her husband adopted a baby girl.
Mom's treated that one like gold.
It's really discusting and a long story and I just started learning about this narcissism stuff four or five years ago and realizing most of my family are basically psychopaths so mother has done just about anything to destroy me from small things to large things like stealing a home and a family from me.
I remember one time many years ago when things were starting to go well for me and I was looked up to by authority figures she was getting sick and saying she thinks she needs to see a therapist and even that she was going to die.
I have no idea what she was talking about. But she stuck it to me several times since then and have ruined all that and I've never heard her complain about needing to see a therapist or dying since.
She is just Demonic and evil to the core. And an extreme coward.
God bless you and anyone affected by people like these.
@@russellm7530 OMG That's horrible. I hope you get to stay away from her. What she done is incredibly disconsiderate.
I also hope you could get some theraphy for the PTSD. Thank you for your service, and I'm so outraged by what she done to you.
your videos make me tear up sometimes, especially when i feel so alone and overwhelmed, having you say that it is indeed difficult is very validating
, You are continuing to show me how I still lack perspective on myself, life, and people, You brought up a very good distinction, I never considered, I might be dissociating, instead of denying my problems
I think the goal of people like who you describe is to get along, survive, and make others believe they're happy. They've decided that's good enough, and they are convinced they are fooling everybody. A few can see through it.
Blessings upon you Daniel, cause you are one of the more adult self conscious and honest soul we couod meet on our way..
Thank you, to be you.
People tgat are empathetic, not always looks happy and ues this brings others to dislike them. But even more self conscious empathetic are kept aside, because people do not want to dig insidetheir own discomfort, and an honest self conscious person pushes them to question themsekves. So it is a solitary road untill you dont find your pack.. And i think this is what you fid creating so many your followers that are very likely hobest and drspised by the systems that these disconnected people created, like you..
And this is freedom, a space in which, by our own and with our pack we can all grow and trive..
Thank you Daniel🤗💕
I loved this so much. thanks.
Me too! yes and thanks
You are a blessed individual! Love your videos
I agree. You articulated it much better then I’ve been able too.
Like the way a flower's goal should be to be a good flower, making the world better simply by being what it is, a human should try to be the best expression of a human's potential and their own uniqueness. A human isn't whole and can't really be a good human when shutting down all emotions and dissociating. That's more like a robot. Society is a macrocosm of dissociating toxic families, trying to push down anyone who tells the truth, and trying to make everyone else fake their own happiness, so those in power never have to face their own true selves.
Modern society expects everyone to be good little robots operating in a giant heartless machine that isa capitalist economy that worships only one thing: money.
I can so relate to everything you are saying. Our world is sick. And those who are considered insane are probably mentally more healthy because at least they feel empathy and see injustice. I think jesus said something about us not being of this world - we must be in it but not accept it as it is. Keep doing your thing truth and justice warrior.
“Be in the world, and not of it.” - Book of John : 17:11, verses 14-15
I'd gladly settle for contentment.
I have heard this sentiment -- that happiness is not the goal of life -- in a few different ways, but I found Viktor Frankl's view on it to be the most interesting. In his book "Man's Search for Meaning" he argues that the true goal of life, the key to satisfaction is to find and fulfill one's own meaning (whatever it may be), that meaning is the most important aspect of the human experience to find (hence the book's title)
I love your expression , it’s beautiful
The goal of life is to achieve a happy life and not evade your unhappiness and just pretend that you are happy. You are confounding two different concepts.
Thank you Daniel 🙏🏼 in the times of war, genocide and crimes against humanity around the world and in our city of NYC this message helps very much. All love to you Daniel 💚 hope to see you out in the streets fighting for a free Palestine, Sudan, Congo and everyone else 🤍
Oh you hit this out of the park... The existential angst and confusion I feel being named Happy??!!
Repress, deny, disown, drug, isolate- my life everytime I am at odds with my name. Which is a lot.
This video was ripped from the recesses of my mind .
So much truth in this video. I can totally relate! Thank you Daniel!
"...to be an integrated, emotionally connected person." this is a beautiful goal.
Instantly reminded me of Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl
If you don't know the meaning of life then you are so far from God that he wishes you never existed.
The two best lines in the book:
"It's not what I want out of life, it's what life wants out of me."
"The Statue of Liberty on the East Coast should be supplemented with a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast."
People will always turn things back on the other person when they don’t want to do the inner work themselves. I’ve noticed that to.
Loved it! Stay you please! And since you are becoming such a whole and wonderful human being in the process, i would feel it is a shame that you wouldn't want any children. You are the exact person who is needed to have children so the good and sane can continue in the world and doesn't die with you!! :) Your heart is so pure.
People don't owe the world or anyone to have children. Even if they're healthy and healed enough, it's still their decision entirely about what to do with/in their lives. If it wasn't their willful decision, children would still suffer. There are a lot of ways people like that can shine in the world and that doesn't necessarily involve procreating.
Great talk Daniel. Another really good one that I connect with strongly. I get the rage. My hatred of bullies is wild and incredibly intense.
Daniel, I used to be an extremely hard thinker - I schemed and plotted in social interactions - not to “get my way” or “win”, but just to be safe. Even when I tried to “help people” I was heavily relying on my intellect to problem solve, or imitate empathy by saying the words that mean “your feelings make sense”.
Through meditation to bring my attention back to my root emotions and the present emotions and sensations in my body, and two months of trauma work (somatic therapy), I’ve become sooooo much more like what you described at the end of the video. I like to be there for my friends when they are sad, but that takes me a lot of energy because I’m introverted and now my empathy results in me mirroring their emotions in myself. The bigger their emotions, the more tiring this is.
But what you neglected to focus on in the video I think is the fact that my joy from the smallest moments is also immense. Im fully in the moment in my walks to class, feeling the autumn breeze in my hair and sun on my skin. I literally feel like im melting into the sky.
I think the answer to happiness is structuring your life so you can empathize with the difficulties of people who mean a lot to you, and maximize your environment so that there are more joyful things around you. Living location, hobbies, friends, etc.
It is peace .. eternal peace and satisfaction ..
Even in the most difficult days.. I cry peacefully .. like I'm doin while writing this comment nw 💛
Hi Daniel, thanks so much for this video. I really like the idea that happiness is a possible by-product or side-effect, rather than a goal. I like to think about success in the same way.
Thank you so much for addressing this.. for years decades I have been trying to figure out my unhappiness as people often called it. I mean people would tell me I am as happy as I make my mind to be., or that I need to believe in goodness and kindness of others when the predominant experiences in my life from my biological parents have been abuse, violence, brutality, neglect and abandonment. I don’t want to even begin telling you how my other relationships have been after I ran away from the abuse and neglect from my parents., you can deduct they were far from loving and caring. And for years I must have been suppressing the rage, anger and resentment towards those who abused me.! And now I am here listening to you tell me suppressing my most natural emotions and feelings is perhaps causing all that build up rage and misery ..!
I appreciate you so much. It seems you have retained such empathy despite the suffering you must have experienced to get to this point in life. That plus your unending self reflection: maybe that's the goal of life! Suffering, self reflection, retain empathy, repeat. Thank you for sharing. I'm out here listening.
I opine the goal is to do the best you can and leave things better off for your having been here. We'll all be dead soon and enough, so fight the good fight while you can.😊
You're on the form of your life here sir. God bless you for the magnificent work you do.
slowly going through all of your videos, your experience really resonates with me. thank you for sharing your journey.
Thanks for the video! I feel the same all the time.
Thank you Daniel! I'm glad that I listened all the way through...I am in complete agreement with you. What a great observation.
i love how you gesture when talking
Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness.matt :5
My god, the way you describe your grandma, that's exactly my grandma. And she brought me up, so... its had its impact, but she was like ALWAYS happy, laughing , friends, parties and if ever I expressed negative emotions, I would be told off, squashed. But the way you explained her, no empathy, drinks every night, it was like you were talking about my Nan. And she would see that situation with the dad and daughter the way you described. And I'd look at her and think, how can you be so emotionally stupid?
But the whole happy goal thing... I get caught in that, but that's because when I have thought about all the suffering and pain in the world, I generally can't cope, so to feel like I can even survive in this world without just seeing darkness wherever I go, I've become more empathically shut down so that I can still want to live myself...
okay.. I mean, joy is a state of being tho, I know that I might have some things that are not solved like to 100% that tho is not an excuse for me to hold back on being happy, being empathic and understanding people dose not mean that if someone is going show a difficult time then I'm not allowed to be happy because someone else is not, that is something I have believed for a long time, I was actually put down for being happy and people would tell me "how can you, after all that is happening around the world and don't you see how terrible that is and this is.." and I started believing it, I started believing that I was a terrible person because I was not suffering, even if I have gone throw certain unpleasant thing in my life, I was happily open about being emotional and I have had the opportunity to speak with people about certain things that happend in my life and that helped me a lot, dose not mean I was done with it, I still went throw a very heavy deep depression, was suicidal actually but now, yeah my God I'M happy big time, I enjoy so many things that I love doing because I'm just be, I get to be joyous FOR NO REASON AT ALL, just because I get to, this is what I want to me and what I want to give to the world and I love it, not like faking never being sed or angry or anything like that but I do laugh much more then I cry and I have not numbness anymore, thank GOD
Amazing video Daniel. It’s very true that being more empathetic and feeling more opens you up to feeling more pain.
Thanks
Compassion: “with suffering,” sentient, emotionally-aware.
Yeah. Totally agree. I remember when I was doing an internship at a job training program for "psychologically ill" juveniles and I was grieving that I had been locked in my house for like half a year. I had figuered out after like 2 seconds being there that the so called "psychologically ill" juveniles were way more present than the supposedly healthy tainers there. (Not saying the juveniles weren´t troubled...) And so after 4 days the manager kicked me out telling me that basically he doesnt want depressed people (and immature people, cus I´m 21) to do an internship there. Yes. Well.... Quite ironically that now I won´t become a therapist any time soon and the dissociated trainers there, half of them are doing the therapist´s training and will probably be done all the sooner.
superficial happiness vs meaningful potential and joy, positive qualities of gratitude and contentment
I get your general theme and it's important. As a communal God worshipper; I can attest to the fact that experiencing a glimpse of heaven during worship empowers me and refreshes me in my good fight. Does not plunge me into denial. Far from it.
Why do I suffer? On the other side of that question is a freedom I am starting to catch brilliant glimpses of. Simply “letting go” things is a spiritual platitude and I agree that Buddhists seemed to be in a trance. It’s not my position to say that is wrong for them. I meditate but I don’t aim to be at peace and ease 24/7. The world is amazing yet we are, as humans, very lost and headed in very bizarre directions. To be truly human is to be thoroughly curious as to how and why I think, feel, and operate. That is my goal thus far on my journey.....that could change. “God” or “the spirit of the universe” (the name does not matter) has a sense of humor and is beyond our comprehension. This is only a blip in the life of my soul.
Well said Daniel! This was really really perfect for me to hear for where I am right now
One of your super powers is lucidity. Absolutely brilliant!
This is so, so true.
Thank you so much for your wisdom❤
Self respect is my goal. And to never become bitter.
These videos are tremendously helpful. Its good to know that real help comes from what is outside of the accepted convention. Truth stands alone and needs nothing to prop it up . Honestly look for truth, be sincere in quest to be healed and prioritize the well being of others...and the truth with her companions, healing and peace, will find you.
What sensational words, my friend. Thank you so much for sharing so much knowledge with honesty.
I can relate to much of what you say here. Recently for the umpteeth time my mom said that she just wanted me to be happy. And so mom that's not my goal at all. What I really want is to be at peace with myself.
Brilliant. Thank you.
Happy? I have thought at times that I deserve an award for just not going bonkers.
I agree with everything you say here, anxiety is in large part a product of developmental trauma. Another factor is that our primitive brain systems are precautionary, that's what kept us alive). But... (and)... when we are active in defining and looking after our needs, then the "positive" emotions tend to increase. Its the difference between being anxious and content, between disappointed and joy, between fear and trust.
You are a strange and interesting person. Thank you for your helpful suggestions
Maybe the goal of life should be to not have goals. For almost, every other species on this earth, their life's work is pretty basic: find enough to food to survive and find a mate to pass on their genes. They never once have to justify their existence and seek out a raison d'etre.
People do want us to put on fake smiles, I refuse to participate 😑
I remember the Wilford Brimley Diabeetus commercials lol.
You say that happiness isn’t the goal, then you explain that peoples’s happiness isn’t real, and then you acknowledge that you are “happier” after working through your trauma and connecting with your genuine self. Your story is insightful and very helpful, and your observations ring true. But people using ‘happy’ as a euphemism for dissociation and outward appearance does not mean happiness is the problem, it means those people are actually unhappy. If we approach happiness as an actual goal and are honest with ourselves in understanding our experience of wellbeing, then certainly happiness can be a suitable and honorable aim.
I will add that some people dismiss the persuit of happiness as trivial and selfish only to later complain of various unhappinesses in their lived experience. It seems to me that understanding wellbeing and taking some authority over our own happiness will serve us well, and benefit our loved ones. If happiness is explicity not the goal, is then unhappiness explicity the goal? Of course not. The real conversation is about the methods we use to acheive wellbeing, and the way we think about ourselves and our context.
"Don't worry. Be happy". So that I can do whatever I please.
Not what i mean when i say i choose happiness and not what the ascended masterd mean either. Life is a miracle a gift something to be enjoyed. With this mindset i can remember everything is for me even my thoughts n feelings. So its not ignoring it's being one with. thus healing. Thus seeing theee reality instead of illusions. Love you're perspectives peace
I wish I knew how to push my depression down to be happy, even though it’s fake. My kids grew up watching me being miserable. Never drunk or do drug.
You are amazing, amazing amazing
I have seen parents abuse their children and I pray for them because you really can't get involved. Sometimes I think back to these memories and continue to lift them up. This life is so painful. I think the goal is to "know God". Jesus was a "man of sorrows" and "aquainted with grief". I try to help others. And praise God. It gives me joy. I guess I look at all the pain-I'm not in denial - then "let it go"- not carrying all the pain arround- and choose to look for good and be grateful!
Thank you Danial it’s so inspiring ❤️
I think our purpose is to learn
-7:23 Don’t bash meditation so quickly. It’s been proven to better develope the prefrontal cortex which is necessary for stress management. It’s also very common for people who meditate to be the same people who HAVE done the same archaeological investigating you speak of. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive tactics.
I’ve dealt with the trauma and grieved. Should I aim for happiness now that I’m free?
I guess the question is what do you want to do?
None of us are really free. It stays a life long process.
I say aim for satisfaction and appreciation in the here and now.
Chasing happiness gets in the way of living a fulfilled Life. Happiness can’t be achieved but happens as a result of living one’s own authentic Life.
2:34-3:00 Daniel please can you talk about this more in depth?
OMG, so much to learn from you, sir
Permission To Be Miserable by The School Of Life is an essay...reading it freed me to feel.