Being Scapegoated After Breaking From Your Family - A Common Reality for Many People
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ก.ย. 2021
- My Website: wildtruth.net
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My book “Breaking From Your Parents”: wildtruth.net/breaking-from-yo...
My first video on the subject of breaking from parents: • Breaking From Your Par...
Family is the most sick system ever created.
Seriously. It’s set up to trauma bond. Everyone says forgive your family. Sure mom burns a you with cigarettes but it’s family!
Yup
Absolutely
Western psychiatry is a bit worse...
No, family is incredibly important but most families fail to live up to the potential of what they could be. Most people don't experience unconditional love and support. Having real family is irreplaceable but most people have never experienced that kind of bond. The lack of healthy families is really sad. Not having a strong family opens up individuals to living lives full of poor decisions and suffering. Most families are not ideal or perfect but there are some that are, if not family then what is the ideal system in your opinion? I have my doubts about gangs, teachers, mentors or friends etc necessarily being any better depending on the quality of said people.
I had no clue I was the scapegoat until about 3 months ago....and when I realized....it was like a flood gate of emotions...I was angry at myself for not realizing earlier....I was sad knowing I had to break away but mostly I felt lighter....I took all their bs and gave it back to them....now they just can't innerstand how I can say I am no longer a part of that family....they don't get it...one sister text that "this is what family is and everyone has problems and you just gotta accept people for who they are" and I immediately knew I am doing the right thing....they all read from the same script and now I can hear it loud and clear.. I feel free...like i escaped a cult....it's been so peaceful...I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO THOSE PEOPLE!!!
Awesome! Yes...isn't it helpful when you get those confirmations hat you did the right thing by leaving.
Being mentally healthier many times means being left alone, but it's worth it (although it's hard). I feel a little less lonely watching your videos Daniel, so thank you again!
I had to accept this as a child. My family just did not care and I was always alone.
Yep it’s a lonely relegated role, once we wake up to the truth, then it’s like what now? I pretty much don’t fit in with species
@@umchinagirard1800 exactly. But there are some of us thinking like this, so we can support each other
The only reason people **can’t** **bear** to be alone, is because they’re not interesting 🧐 remember the adage: if you want to be interesting, then **be** **interested**
Habitually attempt to **not** delude your brain, into beLIEving you’re lonely 😔 you’re no one’s codependency-Queen, literally, you can’t take anything **separate** of **yourself** with you, upon your last and final, exhale 😮💨 #youonlydieonce
So don’t waste your energy on creatures that continuously, prove themselves unworthy of you 🙅♀️❤️🔥🎉
I get that I have one friend and it’s my ex and all we did was yell at each other we both just can’t do it anymore I don’t want anyone in my life I’d rather watch animal documentaries 😂
I was the scapegoat when I was a child then I moved away and left that role behind. Now that I woke up and am being honest (again) about my family, they stuck me right back in that same role. It doesnt even work though because I'm not a child anymore. Any true accusations they throw at me I gladly own and work on. They try to make me take responsibility for their feelings, their actions, and their emotional ineptitude. They project their intentions and thoughts onto me. They try to use the shame they gave me to control me. I take all that garbage and hand it back to them saying "oops you must have dropped this."
I have the support of my two sisters who mirror my reality back to me and love to see me grow. I have the support of myself who has waited a lifetime to just live in peace.
Oh 🤩 wow, what a perfect comeback:”Oops, you must have dropped this.” (Then I would name the antic they were practicing)
@@ultmiddle4991 it's so freeing to hand their responsibilities and faults back to them without feeling guilty. They get furious but that's also not my problem. 🤷🏽♀️
I went through all that as well and it was painful to realize that there were no feelings of regret, empathy nor awareness of their bad behaviour... just the need to blame and punish me for having said the truth and how I felt.
Daniel, I had the same revelation in my 20's & 30's. As I reflected & journaled, I realized the same toxic scapegoating, projection, emotional/verbal abuse had been going on since elementary school
One toxic thing with my siblings is that when we met up we acted like we were doing well and happy when really we each had troubled lives and weren't doing great.
1. On average, male and female aggression manifests differently.
2. One is predominantly violent, the other is reputation destruction through whispering campaigns.
3. Communication is 50/50. If you can't communicate, there is no relationship.
4. Sanity > Toxic 'family'
5. Often, your family of origin doesn't want to see you grow, or doesn't accept your development. Why? It exposes their own stagnation.
6.Grey rock method works. One can be civil, but utterly indifferent.
7. Certainly people thrive on drama, and are agents of chaos, trying to embroil you in their dysfunction. Avoid them.
8. It took a permanent move to a different country (from the UK), to finally escape the drama.
9. When you are at peace with yourself nothing other people say or do can affect you.
10. Flying monkeys are real. With experience, you will recognise them and know what to do.
11. Forgiveness isn't automatic. It's a gift you give if others are truly contrite. You don't need to forgive to move on.
Bonus round: what helped me was Stoicism, and having a growth mindset.
Thanks, very helpful! :)
My father accused me of persecuting him more than the nazis (who murdered his mother, father and 7 siblings) when i chose to break away. I told him he was mad if he really believed that.
At age 7 i was taken to see a psychologist as my behaviour was proving problematic. My parents were told there was nothing wrong with me, it was their parenting that was the issue. So proof of me being scapegoated. That was 54 years ago. Had that been today i would have been diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. Piss poor parenting has a lot to answer for.
Psychotherapy on its own wasn’t enough to sort me out, i had to go and train as one to do my healing.
Thankyou Daniel for continuing to shine a light on the issue of child abuse /neglect
In my family the gossiping and speaking horribly about people’s weaknesses and failures happens when you are in the system. I did however notice the siding against me when I spoke up about my dad abusing me, it was a threat and there was either silence or anger towards me. My Nan told me I’m only hurting myself by doing this and there is truth in that, as you said, it is 10 times harder to get healthy completely alone and without a family, however that love I had was coming from an enemy and if it was love we wouldn’t be in this position in the first place
Yep...being scapegoated was the reason I broke away in the first place. The last part about it being an act of an enemy though, wow, that's a new perspective and hit me in the heart. Thanks. It hurts still but these new perspectives and realizations are helpful to me in continuing to wake up to truth and reality.
I am writing here and then I am deleting my comments... I do not think I am comfortable yet to say anything about my situation (very similar to yours Daniel). But keep being healthy, and keep good people around you for support.
Wishing you only the best!
@@dmackler58
الله يعينك و ينصرك اذا انظلمتي و يصلحك يارب
@@user-kb8yv1wy2u شكراً ، أجمعين
I was the scapegoat for the whole family system whether I was in or out. I did notice that my brother gave himself a whole new level of virtue he stood on for sticking with them until my dad tried to ruin him financially and he had to let go of my dad. Then he was suddenly willing to acknowledge their evil.
Story of my life for the past 20 yrs and its been a real nightmare! I'm just coming out the other end of that as a survivor.
I sought help for my mental health and then I broke out of the family system, and already having the BPD label made me a great target for scapegoating. It wasn’t hard for the family to say “she’s crazy”, when I had a crazy diagnosis and was struggling to function in my life alongside it. I continue to speak the truth about my family system though
I heard someone talking about the "truth teller" in a family, which is usually one of the people that got hurt, and that person found it too unbearable to stay silent at some point. I felt like that spoke to my current thinking even though I'm not in contact anymore and won't be "telling" them anything any time soon. I guess I'm telling myself for now. 😛
Yes. They destroyed me repeatedly for telling the truth. At age 30 my sister found out I had a group of friends outside the family. She proceeded to have sex with one guy I knew and spread rumors about me. This and other behavior cost me work.
@@johnpaulsawan1990 Sorry to hear it. 😞
I am free.
Am currently experiencing a smear campaign (again) and the mental toll it can take on others is a lot. It's a shame there isn't much support for it becsuse my immediate family just will not stop.
Your videos continue to help me so much
I was lucky enough to have a younger sibling under me who is able to keep my family satiated in a sick way. It’s gonna be harder for them to get out one day if they choose to tho.
OMG, yes! I was the family mental patient. Our family system was so sick.
That is the thing so disturbing about people using scapegoating! They actually want to keep you under their control. 🙁
In my family, a family member scapegoated one of my other family members-blamed them for everything they felt was wrong in the family, projected their own insecurities-BUT at the same time they wanted to dominate and control that person. It was quite horrifying actually. 😬 At first, I was trying to help the two of them work it out and become friends, but I realized by so doing I was serving the goals of the scapegoater. In the end the person who was scapegoated decided not to have more than a superficial relationship with the scapegoater because trust had been broken, and I respected and understood.
You hit the nail on the head when you said "They got frustrated when they couldn't control you anymore". I.e. when you retreat from playing sing along with the rules they'd set in place for so long that they were so proud of for so long. From my side of the world I, too, have experienced this. 3 times. Youre right about gossip too. "Did you see", "Did you hear that? "Did you know they? This blah blah blah, this constant gossiping comparing these systems do which, I believe are perpetuated mostly by women are done to skirt the attention from a problem they never addressed themselves. But my grandparents alcoholism was never shoved under the rug by me. But it was by their children and my cousins. You have to be very careful who you even talk to on the street these days because if families are turning on each other, then what is this attitude of intolerance doing as a whole in our soceity? It's called hate to me and as a species we have to look at history and stop this hatred. So Do we ever learn from history?
2 years late to this video. I’m gonna be 22 in a couple of weeks, and we’re living in different parts of the world. We’re completely different, but I feel like I resonate with every word you said. I think that’s really special. It means you’re speaking from a deep soul level. I’m glad I found your videos
Excellent video Daniel - thank you.
Thanks for addressing the issue of trying to 'break out' of the sick family system and change the unconscious habitual aspects arising from having been brought up in a particular family culture, such as POV. On self-examination, one might desire to change one's own habitual response to things, even on such a basic level as sense of humor and what one thinks is funny or not funny (eg. when the other guy slips on a banana peel it's hilarious). But self awareness is kind of tough.
There's something called "the significant patient" in family therapy at least, I read in Families & How To Survive Them by John Cleese & Robin Skinner. The person who is the one carrying all the families woes, though can't remember if they acknowledge the scapegoating, or the families that never get as far as getting therapy as some like to hold onto their positions of power - anything to avoid detection.
Postscript: I can't say I've evaluated "family therapy" beyond this fact, & it could be a questionable approach, but maybe Daniel can come up with so.ething. one thing I know is Systemic therapy re families, in UK, trains social workers only (not exactly sure why) who many are suspicious of, & they don't have to have their own therapy which is not only risky but fits the social work power-ideology which many people complain of.
Thank you for sharing John Cleese book
This video really describe my experiences..I am so grateful and appreciate all these healing,awesome videos ..ThankYou.💞😊
Absolutely can relate to your experience of being scapegoated as an adult. The last time I spoke to my mom, we got into an argument and she brought up how my sister is so much better because she calls more often….. etc. The comparison game comes up again and reminds me of how she used to treat me. I haven’t spoken to her and frankly don’t know if I care to. When I was a child I had no choice but to accept the abuse. Now that I am an adult I can walk away and never look back. And because I have done so much grieving it doesn’t bother me anymore. Thanks for sharing your story. ❤️🙏🏻
It is so refreshing to listen to you talk about breaking with your parents. I though I was some kind of monster for leaving my family. Looks like there are many of us. Thank you
Jepp - the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family system must work twice as hard to get out of all that damage which was done to him. Its a life long process to outgrow and grow into a deep and true relationship with himself - but that huge healing work is worth each and every minute of your very own life and beeing. Forgiveness only for myself - nobody else.
Realized I’m the scapegoat at 26 years old. Dated a narcissist for 5 years which lead my to my family of origin….. now no girlfriend… no family… went thru spiritual awakening… am I dead yet?(kidding) but this is crazyyy. Like what the hell. And I get what you mean by being alittle more healthy then they but a lot to work on.
Thank you Daniel, for this perspective again. It really helps. Interesting is that the toxic family members never asked me "how are you?" .
Daniel, your words are medicine. These videos are helping me get through some of the roughest times in my life, feeling abandoned during my most intense crisis, feeling invisible and getting blamed for speaking out about being abused. Protecting the abusers and further traumatizing the victim. It’s insane, it’s hell on earth. But your videos and the comment sections on your channel make me feel less alone and hopeful that I can go through it and claim my life back. Thank you so much!
Chris, Wishing you the best!! Daniel
@@dmackler58 thank you! Wishing you the best as well!
@@chriscarrera4606 Thanks!!!
Thank you for your in depth honesty, Daniel. The "Truth" ultimately dissolves that sugar coating we cover our "family" with. It's interesting as well as a delight that I found your channel after getting to a deeper level of honesty. After breaking away from my family of origin (now 12 years ago) I discovered many things that my mother thought about me (my "issues") that she NEVER had spoken to me about. Her gossip was part of being scapegoated I believe. It was actually helpful and relieving to finally find out some of her Real thoughts.
Just let em talk. The more they talk, the more relaxed I become.
I don’t know what to believe anymore. 8 months of no contact and breaking from my family and being scapegoated. Now wanted to have a better relationship with my parents and talked to them. I feel like they truly love me, but they are in denial of their own demons and it makes talking about my own childhood very hard. They say that I had a wonderful childhood but that is not all true. Yes, there are many lovely memories I do have from my childhood but I only remember very few good one’s actually. I can’t remember cuddling with either one of my parents for example. Or them playing with me? Or with my twin brother. I also can’t remember big chunks of my whole past, it is really problematic. I have BPD and Depression and my brother committed suicide in 2016….he had ADHD as a child also….I really try very hard to understand what happened back then but can’t put my finger on it. I think it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the thought, if parents can really LOVE their children AND abuse or neglect them in some way? Maybe because they are themselves wounded children or repress their own memories. Maybe they are manipulating me? Maybe they are a combination of that? Or am I imagining things? It’s really hurtful to not fall in the trap of gaslighting…. I wish my parents are not ill intended and love me but made mistakes they are ashamed of…and therefore can’t validate my feelings and memories? It’s so hard!!! I am very very confused! :(
Found your comment interesting. By any chance are you super ticklish? I ask because I had to get used to being intimate with my first girlfriend and suspect it was from the lack being held or touched. Any perspective on that aspect would appreciated.
Are you the male version of me? I grew up very lonely in a highly abusive (mentally, physically and sexually), religious and traditional family with three younger brothers but somehow I was the one who was the punching bag of the WHOLE COMMUNITY. The more beautiful, successful and "popular" I became outside of their walls the more they hated and attacked me. Their insecurities and jealousy showed so much sometimes I was beaten down but had to laugh about the absurdity. At the same time they would act like whiny victims and say stuff like "We are not your enemy, we just want to protect you bla bla bla". Really confusing bullshit..
I left with 19 and burned all bridges. Became an archaeologist and teacher. But had a lot of painful growing up to do, accepting them for who they are was the hardest, I guess.. I pity them a lot with compassion even tho they almost killed me multiple times and still send me death threats.
I'm 32 now, but in my 20s many people tried to take advantage of me not having the support system of a family.. That still hurts and angers me. The audacity, cruelty and ignorance of some people.
I can't shake off the believe that something is fundamentally wrong with humanity. Even as a child I knew I would never put a poor soul into this fucked up mess of a world. I'm sick of people pressuring me to get a man and make children on a daily basis, especially boomers. No, I couldn't live with such a guilt. But of course they won't let go. People really have a lack of respect and distance nowadays.
Furthermore I've spent my whole life nurturing others: my childish narc parents, my aggressive brothers and other family members, neighbour's children, boyfriends, students... When will I receive some love and care? Protection and affection?
There is a great shame they install into you to controle you better but nothing is more precious than my freedom. The power of having the choice to meet people and experience moments my soul is seeking for! So far I've never regretted my own choices I took for myself! They should fuck off and blame and judge their own fascist asses, if they like doing that so much!
I remembered being asked if I was normal and called mentally deranged each time I didn't do things that aligned with my surroundings. I felt shame and even apologised for being me and started behaving in ways that aligned with my surroundings because I viewed being different as shameful. I started losing my self and suffered from depression and even suicidal thoughts. I decided to follow my own path and I was being the scapegoat because of that. I believe that those who call names ARE the mentally deranged ones cause no human beings who are healthy can do this sort of bullshit.
Yes my siblings have always blamed me for everything when my oldest brother admitted to me he's a sociopath but I think that has a lot to do with what his wife has made him believe about himself and he refuses to be a father to a child that he had outside of their relationship because it hurts their " image". Boom.
I would be 'accepted and loved ' again if I go to church again and began 'behaving' in a manner that is expected. This video is really helpful. Thank you
Thank you ⛅️🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍⛅️🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍
Another great video, Daniel 👍
a similiar thing happened to me. scary stuff.
Thank you Daniel 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this video
Thank you so much for sharing. If feels good to hear your story and learned a lot from it. I have been struggling myself as well from the same problem and it’s been more than 15 years hurts a lot 💔
I send you warm greetings!
Sick integrity is an interesting term. It would apply to many a "family" system, such as the medical family, or the journalist family. But it can be overcome!
Thank you so much for this video.
My brother passed away 6 hours due to cancer
Sorry for your loss. Hope you find time and space to grief .
Sorry for your loss. Thoughts are with you
I'm sorry for your loss. Take care
Sorry for your loss.
💔
Thank you for sharing this beautiful information ℹ️❤️
You’re welcome!
Everything you are saying is 1000% my family. In a split second I wnet from golden child to scapegoat.. And now I've heard the invisible one (we don't talk about her she doesn't exist)
Wow Thank you that’s kind of brilliant
Right cause you start recognizing the healthier you become too
this world is sick to the core :////// let's pray & repent people
Today is my Birthday.
Happy birthday!
@@dmackler58 Thanks.
@@dmackler58 Thanks, unfortunately my mother is a hypercritical bitch who's telling me the clothes I'm wearing aren't adequate enough and doesn't appreciate the content I make and doesn't take my side in arguments or supporting me so it's a lot I'm dealing with as an only child.
The worst is when you escape goated with narsasist, and the game they like to play. Then you get to enjoy things like being slipped truth serum, and such when in the presence of all former federal employees that side with them.. oh yeah it mattered and all, because you'd ask me something and I'd remember nothing at all. They had successfully created me as a problem, and established themselves as the narsasist bag of chips I the sigma carried around... When speaking in terms of all that and a bag of chips.
💪🏻💯✅🙏
This is so freeing for me! The family system is really sick and I’m calling my family members daily (first my grandma) to let her know that my cousin groomed me. 😂 I’m so miserable and maybe I should just let it go but they all cut me off. My own mother asked me why I didn’t tell her sooner that my cousin groomed me I was maybe 6 year old I blocked it out now I fear everyone. I spent about maybe an hour running away from my ex as he followed me, ended up on top of a car port by a local college while some lady tried to talk me off the ledge then I proceeded to go to the church and rant more about bs you should have seen how fast people kept walking by me. 🙄👎 I mean I don’t blame them but I just can’t talk to anyone when I’m in this state and I have 9 days sober from weed and haven’t touched Alcohol for a while. And Danial my family does the same thing they sit there and talk about me behind my back I’ve even had an aunt say I have a demon in me because I’ve self injured what horrible family members 😂
Yeah… it’s perverse.
And feels… criminal, frankly.
The "integrity" of the family system hmmm... interesting word choice, maybe the integrity of the dysfunction of the family system haha.
Your too sensitive Nadia, I remember hearing this , infact I still hear this at times. It's basically the equivalent to them saying "Nadia,can you be ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF?". Unless of course they're wanting me to be that Nadia , for their own sake , to help comfort their needs etc . I'm 47 now, don't get me wrong ,ok I had moments of which I was as close as I could be to being ok to be me.. which was when under the care of grandparents. However by then I had already learned that I was better off hiding or holding my feelings inside stuffing them as far as possible . Personal boundaries was something that I began to learn about 3 to 4 years ago ,at least in this now way I understand them to mean. It's not easy although it's fine seems to be something that I got somewhat use to this climbing uphill. When my brother and mother do not get their way whether it be myself or just anyone to help feed their denial and misery searching to help comfort their misery they react by making sure to use gossip mongering , scapegoating verbage even behavior. Such as using money and the future financial assistance of inheritance only to use it against me and then} pretend to be oblivious always covering for one another. This trickle's into extended family too since a few years back my mother played a poor me type of way getting my aunt to be in charge of her money etc. see each assist the other in continuing to play out their cycles of which I don't fit into like they crave. It's almost as if I am surrounded by extended versions of my family throughout life . . Being sensitive to my environment , people etc.. honestly I wish there were a place for those like myself to go to so somewhat like structure settings and with inclusive not rejecting being really just real and to learn to life to live from the joy of being free to be . I feel like I'm surrounded by people that don't even blink an eye as I'm screaming for help for my life .
Edit: Something to possibly, uplift the trigger heaviness, of this video:
Dad Fight| Whitest Kids You Know
th-cam.com/video/AfItBgIDgsg/w-d-xo.html
youtube doesn’t want me to watch your video ☹️
Thank you for your videos. I broke from my family. Both parents and all siblings. I never imagined the pain that would come would this. It feels like grieving. Im also healing. I thought breaking away would be easy. I know my journey to healing is going to be a long road. I finally can heal my inner child.
💯💯💯