Midweek with Dr. C- Narcissists Who Are Consistently Inconsistent
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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The unbalanced narcissist seeks to upset your mood, balance when the conversation is uncomfortable for them, that's when I find the " childish games" of name calling comes out so you will react, and the attention on original issue shifts, plus your reactive upset opens the door for them to start the litany of everything that they love to list what is wrong with you..."not only do you think you are Mother Mary, but you always want to ruin my fun, you never do things my way, it's all about you.....and so the conversation ends. So original topic of discussion avoided, he gets the thrill of upsetting you, and you go "away"
Trying to have a conversation in hopes of improving our relationship, share feelings etc are futile. Been very difficult to deal with what you are going through as well.
My 70 yr old narcissistic husband is definitely a Jeckyl Hyde and sheep in wolfs clothing who is getting worse as he ages. So of course when he is being Mr Nice I know this act can and will change at any moment! Thank you so much Dr Carter to validate all that we go through dealing with these evil people 😢❤️
We have to keep striving to be healthy as Dr C says. We are more valuable than the Narcissist puts on us. We deserve better.
I am so sorry you are enduring this. The most terrible part is they no damn well what they are doing to you. It really makes me sad and physically sick all at the same time. I do not want to go through it again. I am not cold hearted I am tired of being burned everytime I allowed them back in my life. This time Was the absolute worst spent years in therapy. The last 18 months hard core. I thought I was going to die and its not the first it was the 5th and the worst ever. Finally digging my self out of the hole putting the pieces together and the vaccum begins again. No conversation is best. They will try to manipulate your heart strings into believing this time will be different. No it won't. I know better.
As mine is mentally & physically ill @ 87, trust me when I say, it gets worse. If dementia, or memory loss sets in, you're left with all the memories & pain, & they blissfully fade away. This is where I'm at. He was 20 yrs older when we married. This is something the young need to think about! Blessings to you 💯💎
@@canabsk2179
YUP, sadly.
What gets me is that I know after all this time that my now adult children are wrong when thinking that they finally got the real sheep in him hidden inside his wolf outfit for good. Which is why whenever they do I simply say, "Enjoy it while it lasts" since I know all too well how big of a wolf he can be for real when he feels safe enough with someone under his thumb there. Yes I can be far less than perfect too sometimes however never quite to the same level. Then on top of that I know all too well how much his buddy like minded assholes like to accuse me in their faulty perception of both me and their faulty perception of my offspring too. By accusing me of being the one among other women who are having more of them. Showing anger in a genuine way in public is one thing. Showing anger to the degree a narcissist does only behind closed doors and outside on an isolated spot alone with their latest target only until they dupe enough people to show their vicious intent all of the time is another. None of us can believe it when hearing a report from a victim of narcissistic abuse and then domestic violence about what happened to them until experiencing it for themselves because that sort of thing doesn't sound human at all.
It's very hard to be calm and level headed when the Narcissist gaslights you constantly when you live in the same house as them. It's was easier for me to be calm and constant after I was gone. I learned so much about what be he was deliberately doing to me. It was a real relief knowing I wasn't crazy. I didn't feel crazy inside. He projected his crazy on me allot. My peace is so nice. He doesn't hoover me at all because he is trying to show that he is the victim. Go figure. I don't care anymore. Been gone over 4 years and I love my new single peaceful life.
Thank you Dr. Carter for the DAR. and these videos.🎄
Single peaceful life I hear you! Everyone else says Stu aren't you lonely now? But the peace is so calming and the strength you build from all the wisdom here means "being on your own" is much easier and healthier ☀️☀️
@@sturobertson6791 absolutely 🤗
I tried at the ex last Hoover to say, there is no way we can work in a relationship, but we are both aging and alone in this city, can we be neighbourly? Meaning can we give each other rides to hospital procedures, or help out when the other is ill to pick up prescriptions etc. Nothing romantic, just "neighbours". He gave word salad about men women thinking different. 3 weeks of phone conversations about where I could help him, and where he could help me. Then he announced that he had decided 1 week before moving me to this city 6yrs ago to live with him, that I was inferior. So on that he hung up. Guess neighbour's didn't work for him. Smh
@@joywebster2678 Dodged a bullet, Joy. You know where this road ends.
I prefer being 'single' and I have been a very long time 😁 I love spending time with friends as long as I can enjoy my own company afterwards 😁👍✌
Most horrible cycle I have ever endured.
Me too. I divorced him four years ago. 😄
Thank you Dr C ...you don't know how much you are helping us in our difficult times 🙏
Sometimes I get tired ofall the stuff these folks do. At other times I feel frustrated that I could not pick up on this narc stuff long ago. I get drepressed when I think of all the times I tried to do the right thing only to be shutout again an again. I have days when I wallow in a messy bog and feel like it will never end. I know it will take time but I sure wish I coul get beyond it sooner! I just needed to vent this to relieve the pressure. Its a real struggle sometimes even though I am not with the narc any longer. Thanks for all of your support!
I think it's easy to lament about being vulnerable ~ I go there at times but it helps me to accept that we lacked life experience at the time and now we know better. When we know better we can try and do better to protect ourselves. Cheers to you.🙂
@Richard Howe We really do understand. I feel that way, too, sometimes. You will get where you want to be, and there is no stopwatch on it. Your own pace is the speed you need to go. Keep watching Dr. C. He is brilliant and teaching us all to grow. You’ve made a huge stride forward by finding this channel. Wishing you strength and comfort. ☮️
@@snowy4282 Thank you!
Dr Les, May God bless & be with you for raising awareness to the modern day Epidemic:Narcissism 🙏🏻✝️❤️
Thanks for your kind words, Mary.
Exactly Dr C ... the narc lives for that dopamine fix ... their life is chaotic and confusing & they LOVE to pull you into their arguments. This IS thee crazy cycle!! ... the hamster wheel ... NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL IT CHANGES!! ... put up healthy boundaries Team HEALTHY and keep them up no matter what!! 🙏✝️🤗
After 23 yrs absolutely I've seen where those patterns of behaviour came from! All the way up to his grandmother. Took me YEARS to see it, understand it, and look from the outside, and take my emotions out of it it is CRAZY! And it's not spoke about around the table only behind your back. After finally seeing I was not crazy....THEY WERE! From that point on I totally see where certain behaviours and that pattern were not my fault! I just have to pray for them ALL!
My Mom will act oblivious to any kind of no thankyou's and she continues to violate your space and evades talking about any issues for a resolve.
As a former toddler ~ I can relate to this behavior.
I had a different opinion than my friend narcissist. She could not handle me not agreeing with her and responded with “I love you anyway.” After hours of listening to you, Dr. C, I now understand so much about her…and more importantly, I now understand so much more about me. It’s a new day!
👩🎓~ Sharon C. you just earned your DRC diploma!🤣😂I'm pretty sure I'm authorized to award it!🤣Cheers!
I remember that first day watching Dr C and sitting in awe....I have been trying to watch every video on TH-cam since ! He has my attention ! Thank you for that comment 🙏 😊
We so appreciate all the work you do, Dr. C. I am so glad you continue to offer these videos. They help so many people.
Thank you, Bridget.
"Some people speak narcissistic... you get to define who you need to be." Today, over 3 years after I ejected myself out of the narcissistic desert, I suddenly realised I don't have to be a 24/7 problem-solver, an identity I was conditioned to from birth. The freedom and relief is palpable. Ripley (my puppy is 6 months old now) and I send hugs to Gus xx
Thanks so much, Anne. Nice to know that load of bricks has fallen off your back!
@@SurvivingNarcissismToday, I have been making a list of everything I have struggled to enact (from getting a good night's sleep to following my dreams) and ascribing it to a specific narcissist, then I realised that everything on this very long list fits under one heading "Independence is not a problem!" (but my independence was their problem). Simply put, gaslighting conditioned me to believe that I was useless and impractical, and created learned helplessness. Well, bad luck to them! because Ripley and I are fine! Perhaps a video on this topic may be helpful to others ?
I have a consistently inconsistent person in my life and I KNOW that they will change on a dime. It really messes with one's mind and heart and it takes a strong defense of one's will. I remark to others how nice it would be to hear the truth to actually know what this person really thinks or feels. That is impossible. They are difficult because they love being difficult. They don't want anyone to know anything about them sincerely, nor can they have or want a mutually sincere relationship with anyone. It has taken time for me to blow this person off in what I hope is a respectful way. For this is a daily challenge and will continue to be so. It is a bittersweet endeavor for I would rather companionship than this charade. C'est la vie.
I have this with my covert sister. Trusting her in my most vulnerable time almost lead to my death! The helpful coverts are the most dangerous and insidious. It took me until childhood to figure out my dad but until my mid 40s to figure out my sister. The big giveaway to all of them is does their actions match their words consistently?
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. He is not complimenting her by calling her Mother Mary. They are lying when they say that they admire you because they don't admire you at all. We can't stop them from lying because lips move, they lie. We can only control how we react to the lying. I have learned to never tell anyone anything about myself or my past before meeting them. After all how much do I know about the narcissist I live with. Very great midweek video Dr. Carter.
❤ Dr. Carter!
❤ Team Healthy!
So thankful!
Life is so much better!
Very pleased!
Thank you Dr. C. from Centreville, Virginia. Please enjoy your lunch with your sweet granddaughter and enjoy your delicious homemade chili.
As I have learned about narcissism and come to understand my situation and my role and responsibility in my 40+ year marriage with my narcissistic husband, I am finally setting boundaries and calmly standing up for myself. Naturally, this is usually met with rage and blame, as with his logic, he wouldn't be like that if I would just do the things he wants me to do and think the way he wants me to think. But instead of backing down and giving in, I am starting to calmly hold the line. (yay me!) I am trying to get him to a place where he comprehends that we are at an impasse, and if things do not improve, it would be reasonable for us to go our separate ways. At the moment, he does not acknowledge this possible outcome. He insists that I need to change, and that I am responsible for his moods and behavior. Is there anything I can say to help him think through this on his own, rather than me just giving him an ultimatum and making things worse (and possibly becoming dangerous for me)?
I made a lot of mistakes. I defended my self. I tried to control in various ways. Maybe my actions were reactions. But I tried to control. I tried to impose my "love". I just desire to forgive myself and change. Thank you very much
I need to forgive myself and move forward too. But sometimes my family tries to keep reminding me of past mistakes.
Dr. C, I am going to have to be in the same house with my narcissistic ex-husband. My daughter insists that he has changed. I do not trust him at all and he knows it. He hasn’t changed, he’s just putting on a show. How can I continue to tolerate him in public When I know he’s going to attempt to dominate everything and criticize what’s left?
Team Healty
One of the best defenses against a narcissist is documentation. Document every inconstancy they have. Body cams/pen cams and the like are really cheap and recordings that back up paperwork and 1st and 2nd person accounts of their lies and generally less-than-honest behavior are typically admissible in court.
If you are already in the process of going to court with a narcissist play the long game. Keep calling out and disproving their lies. It forces them to have to keep changing their narratives of events and all of that can be documented along the way and used against them later when things go to trial.
Don't play to win. Play for endless stalemates on their claims and actions. The stalemate Strategy takes the least input and energy from you personally to keep going. At some point, their ego will drive them to start burning up resources, they can't afford to lose to try and beat you, and that will work in your favor in the end.
Excellent advice!!
Thanks Dr C it's cold down here in the South too
The last two questions totally hit home for me! The head narcissist (in my case) doing so -called good deeds in order to make you beholden to them, and the question on whether narcissists have inherited or made personalities (sort of nature vs nurture) was so on point. While I understand that inheritance can be a strong factor, I just believe in my heart that we all make choices in life and if you really want to you can choose to just go along with the program and be an awful person or you can rebel and say the cycle stops here. Obviously easier said than done for most enablers and flying monkeys. Thanks Dr. C for another great live!
I try to do good deeds, like visit people when they are sick, take them to medical appointments etc. I think this might be misconstrued by some as me clocking up points. But I do it because I find it so shocking that there are people in our society that nobody visits. I used to visit a former colleague of mine in a nursing home with my dog (he loved dogs). He had Parkinson's. I visited him once a fortnight. In the 5 or so years I did this, I never saw anyone else there. I find it shocking. I don't think I am a goody two shoes I just try to do the right thing.
Same with another friend who needed lifts to hospital. Of course I obliged. Isn't that what being a friend is?
I am so surprised no-one else offered, and no- one but myself and former boss visited our colleague in the nursing home.
@@snowbear1877 doing good deeds is admirable. The problem with narcissists is that they are not altruistic. Most of the things they do usually have some nefarious motivation behind it. They are not doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. Yes, it is sad that people especially now suffer with severe loneliness. The world can be a very unkind place. Thank you for being different! 🙏
@@snowbear1877 I know what you mean. In a world we people just don't care the way we think they will or should. You clearly are a lovely person doing good things quietly and for the good of someone else. People like you give me faith that there are other people out there who are decent and caring. All the best to you ✌
Narcissistic people will, always tell you in times of strife all the things they've done for you and show you the bill, they have no honour. My ex (like a bad smell that lingers) did this a few days ago ✌
@@bereal6590 That's very kind of you to say, Be Real. For my part I can't understand how people can shove elderly into nursing homes and not visit. Apparently the majority of elderly in nursing homes have no visitors at all. When I used to visit my colleague with my dog, it would take half an hour to leave as so many people stopped me wanting to pat the dog and have a chat. Just that tiny bit of interaction meant so much to them. I can understand people can't take care of the elderly 24/7 as they have jobs and kids etc but to never ever visit I cannot understand. Even the Queen and the entire RF never visited her first cousins Nerissa and Catherine who were severely intellectually disabled and living in an institution two hours from Buckingham Palace. They were the nieces of the Queen Mother who was patron of the intellectually disabled. Go figure as they say in America.
When Charles and Diana got married the cousins were so excited watching it on the telly but they should have been there as invited guests. And the only people who attended their funerals were the staff of the institution. None of the RF attended.
Thank you for another great live, Dr. C. Enjoy your time with Jennifer and save a spoonful for Gus. 😊 Blessings from California. 🕊
Thanks, T C.
Should it be illegal when the Narcissist lies to Medical professionals about his spouse?
And why don't they ask the patient if what they are saying is true rather than assuming that it is?
It becomes illegal when the doctor/ medical professional discloses patient confidentiality to anyone without written authorization from the patient. This is why I support spouses having different doctors. The boundaries of confidentiality can become blurred when both spouses are seeing the same healthcare practitioners.
We didn't have the same drs.
@@kimberlysmith7625 the doctor can listen, and not disclose to other partner but certainly act on the info. Or have their opinion of 2nd patient altered by what they heard. I gave our Dr in common a letter of medical concerns for the Narc when we split, ( im a RN) since I would no longer be monitoring them or trying to help. Sadly the Dr asked why the narc evicted me and was keeping my car keys, small conversation I shared to explain why I was going no contact. The narc returned my missing items via courier 2 weeks after my MD appt., and then called and repeated my MD words word for word. I was very angry. But at least the MD took up the medical issues. So he violated my personal confidentiality, but not my medical confidentiality. If I could get a new doctor I would.
19:58 yes, always end with peace, thanks Dr. C.
To the person with the question about executor role. I agree to talk to parents now and have parents arrange for a lawyer to handle a will, or a trust, etc.... This will save you years or decades of heartache. Parents can select the lawyer ahead of time and have will/ etc. in place. Try to stay out of the executor role and hire a trusted 3rd party. It will be worth the money.
Oh boy, did I need all of this podcast today! Thanks so much for the validation, Dr C‼️
Pleased, Anna!
One of the worst combinations is a narcissistic drug addict/alcoholic. They get meaner and more unpredictable than one can imagine. Their true self comes through and then they point fingers and play the ultimate victim.
How to deal with that when they say the meanest things and I record it and play it back only to hear “well….I just needed to vent”… Then this person just talks like it’s no big deal…and then this person says I need to just chill…
Thank you
Thank you Dr Carter you helped help me beyond words.
I am eternally grateful.
I truly appreciate your encouraging words. You are why I do the videos. Thanks, Carol.
Me too! Not just past exes but life in general ❣
Hey Mr C !!! 🙂♥️🇨🇦
Thanks for the confirmation on the consistent of being in consistent - I felt smart figuring that out and could be even more with your help 👀
Good morning Dr Carter 😘
You are such an inspiration and thank you for everything you've done and taught us. 😊
Wishing you and your family a very merry Christmas
Thanks so much, Christina. I hope your holiday season goes well too!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, too ! I am grateful for well wishers like you. Let's make this a reality year round on Team Healthy ! Survive and thrive ! Merry Christmas ! God Bless All !
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you very much💕
AG and his father are similar in many, many ways, including their narcissism. He wasn't around a whole lot after his second sister was born because the man's wife and another woman were both giving birth to his child at the same time, and he was getting yet another woman pregnant instead of supporting either of them. Before I met his father the first time, AG told me his dad had made a pass with one of his ex girlfriends. Later that day, when he was leaving, he gave me a hug and touched my hip in a creepy way, so I pulled back and avoided contact with him the rest of his visit. After he went back to California, I told AG what had happened, and he got upset that I hadn't told him immediately. Even then, I knew that there was no time I could have told him that wouldn't have upset him, so at least I didn't trigger a fight (or a collab) between two generations of narcissists in that family.
I do not fear (a Hoover or) an attempted reconciliation from my (estranged, narcissistic) wife. She knows I know, and my grey rock behavior starved her of supply.
However, if she ever tried, my plan to end her attempt is this:
1) We each make a list of faults from each party. Then discuss. (I’d like to know why I have faults for both of us, and she’d likely only have mine listed)
2) We each detail our repentance detail & process. Her first.
3) I have her journal (in shorthand) that she left behind. I want it transcribed. She is welcome to read mine.
4) I would like each relationship she soured toward me (her mother, sister, and our daughter, former church and homeschool friends) to be at least attempted toward reconciliation.
This is my short list of non-negotiables.
In other words, common sense accountability. Stay firm, stay calm. I'm pulling for you, Aaron.
Aaron. I would just say. 'Talk to the Hand, the face ain't listening'! 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 I want to maintain DRC with everyone, but I insist on minimum standards. Truth be told, I’m discoverable, using my actual name. Part of me hopes she’ll see what it will cost her to even try. I’m ok with her thinking better of it.
I completely identify with this. I am done with any negotiations. There is nothing calming, loving ect. I am no longer willing to put these people before myself. Looking back I do not know how I survived. I was a doormat since my childhood. This was the worst thing I have ever endured. It never ends.
@@pamelabarone5868 So sorry to hear that, Pamela. I hope & trust things get better for you as you learn.
Make boundaries known.
The rat and me. "Not sure whether my mother likes me or not, so I'll keep trying because it sometimes looks almost like she might ...." I did it till she died, running my hamster wheel just as well as I could.
an apology is actually meant to be equivalent to repentance - one is physical and the latter is spiritual and in either there’s an expectation of change - changing
Even my response is two fold on top of that
The first the Lord told me and the second part He allowed it to be me
Again using the spiritual and physical 2gether
He’s the Best Teacher and has brought a few teachers along side me- example: Mr C and Team Healthy for situational- relational experiences
16:00+ I really appreciate it that you are aware that we are self aware & not naive and that you assume we can back up the fact that we are law abiding people & I & I am sure so many others are so grateful for your sacrifice & the dangers you must face that are similar to the dangers victims face from criminal narcs, tak for for protecting & educating us have a great Thursday you & yours Dr.
Question (s): I was married to a narcissist for 21 years, so I began watching your content to help in my healing. 😯Seemed like the more I heard, the more I saw narcissistic traits in myself 🥺What are the most telling characteristics? At what point do I label myself as a narcissist? What are some first steps to take to recovery? Also, thank you for demonstrating calm confidence when addressing so many exasperating circumstances.
Look up the list of 9 things that qualify someone as a narcissist (NPD). You would have to have at least 5 of the 9.
OMG!! I am the RAT! What a fool I have been.
Hire a fiduciary to deal with your parents' estate. That's what I asked my father to do - it costs money but it was worth it.
Oh wow, I didn't know Dr. Carter offered this. Very kind, and helpful.
Yep, same time each week. We'll take a break from the live feed next week then start it back the first Wednesday of January. I really like this format!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yay, looking forward to it!
Thank you Dr. C. I am not doing what I am supposed to. So sad!!
Thank you Dr. Les. I firmly believe that there is genetic predisposition for a narcissist
Can anyone talk on how long is your narcissistic calm before he has a rage. It seems like I experience about 3 weeks before the anger and hateful words come again, then a so called calm time when he acts like nothing happened. But as usual nothing is ever talked about and no issue is ever solved! I hate living like this but I still don't feel justified to leave.
My narc explodes every day, usually over trivial things.
❤ your videos. Keep’em coming ❤
A flip just switched ♡♡♡ 12:16. I needed a giggle!!!
Hello 👋🤗, missed the stream but excited to watch.
When my narc says, "okay I"M SORRY! Is that what you want to hear?" I follow up with, " Prove you're sorry. Just stop doing it!" Rinse, repeat.
That's how it works. They are not exactly known for their sincerity.
Thanks for this Dr C. Hope y’all have a great. Christmas 🎄
Thanks. Same to you!
Merry Christmas Dr. Carter and your family! Thank you for all that do!!!!!
Happy holidays!
I appreciate your Insight and your guidance
I never thought I’d feel sorry for a rat
These are really good topics for me, watched twice, thank you! "sorry" is not something I've heard from the narcissists I've experienced in my life (many); I say they're like the Fonz "👍🏼Ssssssssssoorrrr...👍🏼"
Perfect timing for the video scheduled on the 24th, by the way I think I'll need it🎅🏿 Love you, Doctor C., have a great day, and enjoy making & eating the chili 🌶👌🏼💯💜
That was my favourite episode of the show 👍
@@amandaliverpool3374 lol "AYEEEE"👍🏼 🕶👍🏼
💜
Yeah, more likely that you get a fauxplolgy: “I’m sorry IF” or “I’m sorry that…” or, worst of all “I’m sorry that You…”.
Never an “I’m sorry that I….”
@@aaronkwolfe Spot on 🎯 Aaron 👍
Just want to say thank you to all here again.
Had a tricky difficult situation today and I'd like you all to know your combined wisdom has actually got through to me as I handled it with the power, calmness and care for self that you have all taught me.
I'm grateful to every single person here 🙏🙏☀️☀️🙏🙏
That's sweet Stu ~ you deserve to be proud of yourself for sure for reaching out in the first place. They say when the student is ready ~ a teacher will appear!
🙃Stu ~ 🤔 new and improved Stu😎
@@marieldavison5121 Mariel that's a great comment. Thank you.. When the student is ready..... I've never heard that.
Lisa A Romano says "The bridge isn't built until you jump".
Well, I reached out to my ex many a time but I sure as sugar didn't get the kind of support that happens here.
Cheers Mariel. Nice to be on TH with you 🙏☀️☀️🙏
@@sturobertson6791 Way to Be, Stu !
@@snowy4282 snowy. Really nice to see you... Are you OK? ☀️☀️
@@sturobertson6791 🙂
The live was very informative thank you so much ❤️
Yes, the inconsistency got worse throughout. At first, he’d be really understanding and was easy to work through any conflict. Then, he started changing and I never knew if I was gonna get the nice version or the one that became angry and started saying mean things about me as a person (the projection).
Also, he would get upset over things I’d say that, to me, didn’t make sense to get upset about so I started getting scared to be totally honest. For the times I did do it say something that wasn’t great, I never knew what I’d get and always profusely apologized. Apparently without forgiveness either. It has been so difficult to reframe my thoughts and understand he was being so manipulative and trying to make me feel bad so I conformed.
Or going back and forth between threatening the relationship, then back to being life partners and we were perfect for each other.
Or, one that really hurt, was spending time with his kids to develop a relationship. He’d let us see each other, then wouldn’t for months even though we’d all be asking to see one another. He’d state that they really loved seeing me and were always asking and he wanted that to. So, I’d see them a couple times somewhat close together, then many more months would go by before I’d have to start asking again.
That hurt a lot cause he knew it was important.
Gah the more I watch these videos the more I feel frustrated and angry about the severity of the manipulation and how I just didn’t get it.
Lots of emotions to work through.
Your friend Bruce was he born in Australia ( you know Monty Python skitt) ? We have lots of Bruces your age
Do not blame yourself for not seeing the manipulation. Narcs are MASTER MANIPULATORS. Narcissistic abuse is so insidious because we are so thrown off and brainwashed by the love bombing, devaluation and discard cycle, that we cannot see the red flags-we blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong (because the narcissist has gaslighted us so badly). The manipulation that occurs with narcissistic abuse is similar to the brainwashing by a cult. You don’t know what you don’t know until the day you know--something in your mind clicks. You begin to watch Dr. C (and others) and everything suddenly begins to make sense. I thank Jehovah for the day I discovered Dr. Carter & Dr. Ramani (and others)…truly a godsend!!
Toxic relationships run on emotion & thought suppression. After time resentment builds ~ we detach emotionally before we do physically.
Healthy relationships have spontaneity and candid conversations. Sounds like the frustration you've built up has been born out of suppressing yourself. At least you are experiencing an awakening🤔 ~ at your own pace.
Glad you are joining everyone here. Regards, Mariel
Absolutely Dr. C! We are consciously being anchored to what makes sense to us and who we want to be! 😊
Thanks dr c I now won’t react when my husband lies even to my family and sometimes he even takes credit for stuff I did for my family as if it was his idea I understand now not to react as this is what he wants 🤔Irish time 2am
…especially after abdominally focused radiation treatments. Physician directed preemptive care and maintenance sooner rather than later highly recommended.
I’m liking the title for next week’s Live, DrC! I hope they served cookies and fun things at Lorelei’s party haha! Happy Holidays!!!
Lorelei is with us right now! I'm about to get a dose of sweetness!
@@SurvivingNarcissism perfect!
And I am a person who doesn't like kids, ( I had only 1 kid, he's in his 30's now). So how does a person who doesn't like kids deal with a childless adult? Sometimes I just want to SCREAM while yanking my hair out!!!
Huh?
@@joywebster2678 I'm missing something?
@@marieldavison5121 I don't understand Tammy's comment about a childless adult not liking children being an issue if there are no children?
@@joywebster2678 Ditto. Is she implying her child is acting like a child//immature???? Not sure either Joy. Glad she made the post ~ sorry she is feeling so frustrated. Cheers Joy & Tammy.
Your not too far away, I'm in Fortworth, Tx
Right down I-35!
I'm in Lubbock area
22:00 false apologies
A thought on naming the executor... Mom n Dad should have a 3rd-party witness when then speak to brother. No telling what he might try to say if no one's around to disprove him.
You got that right sister!!! It still may not do any good. I found air tight legal documents being in place (POA & WILL) saved me. Still a really rocky road for sure. Good luck to you.🙂
Every time dr. C. Does these vids they hit a nerve.... no wonder narcissistic individuals cop out of the growth process because it's so difficult. Funny how they say we are the weak and inept ones yet I feel I'm shouldering all the burden to change what was ingrained in me. The inconsistency is something I hate the most and I feel sure this is where my anxiety started from, growing up. One minute sweet and nice and gifts and attention the next raged at punished sometimes smacked but after a child has been smacked once they kniw it can happen again so all the rages and punishments lead to compliance out of fear. These incidents would come out of the blue and not for something I'd done wrong. Think I can e,paths with little bevetone wanting the saccharine but never knowing in my case if I'd be punished and silent treatments for days would follow. It was awful and its where it all started and yet my mom just made out that there is something wrong with me. A double whammy! When she was there and did nothing. Btw dr.c. what happened to lil bevetone? Happy Christmas to you and your fam and all of team healthy. Good luck guys with those pesky narcs ✌
Hoping you enjoyed that chili! I resonate to almost all subjects you touched on. I had to learn hard & fast to walk softly & carry a big stick. You've had a lifetime of learned behavior in the right way. Most of us do not!, or, don't know we do. I know that until now, support system was hard to find. So, I just went by the seat of my pants.
My issue now, is how Dr.s become Narcissists? The very people who are there to do no harm. I've had, as someone who is getting up there in age; insults, misdiagnosis, & one that literally threw a fit that would shame a 3 yr old! I'm done with it. I call each one out to their face, knowing I won't be back again. I've worked hard my entire life, & this is an issue I'm seeing with elderly people. Assuming on their part, along with total ignore to your specific needs.
It truly makes my stomach flip. After 30+ yrs of dealing with Narcissistic behavior & remaining true to myself, this is indeed a hard pill to swallow.
You can spot a Narcissistic as the one person carrying a bucket with no bottom to it. It can never be filled.
Thank You Always & of course sweet Gus. Special Blessings to all who are, or have been through this journey. A Magic Wand would be nice 🙃💖
You are not alone ❣
Oh my goodness, I am living out that scenario right now. I am in my 50s. My parents have both passed away, my mom this year. I was POA, executor of Will & successor trustee. Selling their home to the sibing/narcissist in the family. Thankful for a good lawyer but it's been the biggest nightmare of my adult life. In counseling now to stay sane.
How exactly do we know if we are living with a narcissist
@@amberbucci9521 If your living with a miserable egocentric moron that disregards you and puts you down ~ and you are frustrated to tears/drinking ~ you may be married to a N.
@@marieldavison5121 so even if there are good times I mean he puts other women first all the time and never compliments me unless he wants something sexual from me never affectionate without expecting something doesn't really care about my feelings. Also I think my parents were narcissistic so I'm afraid I might turn out to be like them my husband reminds me so much of both my parents behaviors
Question:
My estranged husband will often give me 'I can't understand the crazy things you are talking about right now' looks and facial expressions when I'm talking about something I feel or believe. When he did this in the past I would scramble to explain myself. This last time I confirmed he was doing it and asked him to stop. He escalated and continued the facial expressions so I said I was done with the conversation. He accused me; "you expect me to always agree with you". (This is something he has accused me of in the past.) I responded calmly that I was sorry for making him feel like that and he could think whatever he wanted and I didn't need him to validate or understand me and that I was done with the conversation. He then said "this is why we can't have conversations." (This is also something he would say in the past.) I could tell he was baiting me and seeing no good response, I ignored him. He gave up and left and refused to eat my dinner and mopped the rest of the night. I am a little shell shocked but I am really proud of myself for carrying myself with dignity and remaining civil while disengaging respectfully. (Thank you for D.R.C.!)
I believe he is a narcissist. Is what I described to you gaslighting behavior? (It is really over the top rude reactions that are hard to communicate without experiencing personally.) I have not heard this type of behavior addressed anywhere though. I guess I am just looking for validation.
Thank you Dr. C.
@@Stardustpal25 thanks so much for your reply. You are absolutely right, we are late to the game that we don't even know how to play! It is so relieving to be validated. I wish you the best in this new year as well. 🤗
38:01 reminds me of the mother in law SONG.😂😂😂😂😂
I understand more, I am aware of my responses and results interactions, and I feel healthier.
However, I am so tired. But I don't believe in divorce, except for adultery, which, if that is or has been an issue, I haven't heard, seen, or discerned it.
I'm just tired.
I'd like to add to advice for future Executor of parents estate with a Narcissist brother.
THE PARENTS need to inform the attorney of the situation. The attorney needs to be aware so they can write the last wishes in the best way to avoid conflict or at least discourage it. I'm not an attorney. But maybe it's better to have a revocable trust instead of a will. Please encourage the parents to discuss how best to protect wishes and their executor. Especially if this person has been a target of the Narcissist before. The parents should be clear that the executor is in charge and absolutely not give confusing messages that maybe the narcissist gets to make decisions too. Also. The future Executor needs an attorney and a grief counselor. Be sure to contact attorney soon after the parent's death. Keep any communication with narcissist after death of parents to bare minimum. Grey Rock. And journal or save any communication they have with you. Hopefully this will go smoothly but if it doesn't you need to be ready. Meanwhile, Don't let your peace be stolen by the dread. Whatever will happen will happen. I've been living this. Trying to float above the hate.
1. Parents inform Lawyer of situation and prepare last wishes with the situation in mind. 2. Hire attorney to help execute last wishes. 3. Get a Grief counselor That would be the condensed advice I would give.
Every time I hear that love bomb word I smell stink 💣
Yes, "talk is cheap". Saying sorry is nothing if it's insincere and self-serving. I would tell the narcissist that what they are doing is hurting me. Not only he didn't stop, he purposely does it more. I couldn't believe it. At the end, I don't believe anything. On top of that, he would use my own words against me saying I permit it. Dangerous to be with such people. They resemble psychic pollution. The more you hang around them, the more diseased you become.
Thank you Dr. Carter for another great video. I’d like to know what a good response would be to “what’s your problem “ when the narcissist asks. I have been no contact with my narcissistic sister and her flying monkeys (my other sister and brother) for over a year now. At some point in the near future we will all be together and I know this is the first thing she will say to me. How should I respond?
I know it's not a good idea to call out a narcissist, but what about calling out flying monkeys and enablers, is that a bad idea too? My brother has become more hostile and arrogant to me since our dad died and he has been spending more time talking to our narcissist mom (he's the golden child and calls her every day), and I would like to tell him that it seems like he's gotten more mean in the last few years, and he needs to stop being such a smart aleck to me. I think she diminishes his confidence by treating him like a child and by her narcissistic ways, and he feels the need to reassert himself by taking it out on me, because that's always been my role, the family psychological garbage can.
18:30+ "we were not intended to control each other influence is fine but not control" yes and as you know this is not just because control ruins babies lives especially the babies of criminal narcs but we cannot enable criminals yes
Dr Carter is it the case that if you were raised by narcissists you tend to gravitate towards those personalities in later life? I just wonder why I have so many broken friendships and trouble in the workplace. Now at the end of my life I am quite alone. My mother would say it's my own fault because I am a rotten person but I feel I have been victimised by the world.
Hi Snowbear. Let's just say we tend to fall back onto what is familiar. Time for a new normal.
Thanks Dr Carter. My partner says I pick the wrong friends.
The other side of it is when one has been hurt one does have a tendency to be hyper vigilant at times about protecting oneself. "A good offence is a good defense" and all that.
Before someone hurts us we already have our protective mechanisms front and center.
I don't believe that you are a rotten person Snowbear ~ not by a long shot ~ you just were taught by one. You're here on Team Healthy asking for Guidance from an experienced mentor in Dr C ~ that makes you a healing person who truly wants to improve. Cheers, Mariel
@@marieldavison5121 Thanks Mariel and others. That makes me feel so much better.
@@anniebrowning7354 that's terrible Annie. If someone maltreats you on this channel you can report it.
Don't go! I'll miss you and forget about the others. Their behaviour is on them.
why do NAR folk ignore and ghost you after giving them as we in the season of Christmas, a gift?
A person in my life has nearly died in front of me 3 times as a child ( I was 6, the person was an adult ) presently as two adults the conversation with the person and I nearly gets to a solution then it turns on an instant into talks of death 🤷🏻♀️
Yummy Texas chilli 🌶️!
Question: Repeating the same stories - I would hear recollections of events from his life (all negative) over and over. I would, repeatedly, remind him I heard that story several times - which had no effect, he would keep telling it as if it was new information. He would repeat selected annals of events from a storyline and highlight them ad nauseum. I have no idea if the stories were true. Is this a looping effect in the brain (tell the same story over and over makes it true or a trauma response) or a tactic to solicit a response (sympathy or annoyance)?
So long as you didn't try the whole rat approach with your wife. "Just press the lever, dear, and then I'll give you a little sugar".
Yeah, no, that wouldn't exactly be a great idea.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I tried it using a packet of little chocolates with my wife. She was still giggling about it this morning.
Wow. I was that rat.
The title describes my ex husband soooo on point! 😂
🐀😂🧀 poor ratatouille 😢
Yeah, Bevitone had a less than perfect life.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Slightly ahead of University ethics committees I'm guessing??😂🤣I'm not judging our Psych glass put rats in tanks of water with and without rocks. Then we removed the rocks to see if they learned anything ~ the tanks were then filled with milk next and the rats panicked and we had to rescue them from the cold milk. Poor shivering rats. Students took them home and kept them as pets so I guess it turned out ok for the little creatures in the end.
SO-SO-SO....!
🥣Texas Chili ~ num num. Enjoy your family time DR C.
🎄✨🎁🎀Happy Holidays Team Healthy & Dr C & our little Gussy.🎄🎈🎁🎀
Thanks, and the chili was great. We have some leftovers, so I'll be taking some to the relatives tomorrow!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Nice! Freezing rain & 10 cm of snow coming today in my neck of the woods in the great white north ~ feeling a little crappy the last few days so I'm sticking with chicken & rice soup & digestive crackers. So glad to be welcome on TH.🙂
Season's Greetings Dr.C ! I just heard you on the "O.K. word and I am wondering, does this O.K.
have the same effect as your other episode on the 'Whatever' word?
Carrot and stick.
I hate BF Skinner.
Many of his concepts were raw and ultimately debunked.
assuming or accusing ? 🤔
College rat name story very cute. 🫶
Dr C, I love your videos. They help me when I remember what I went through while married and what I'm dealing with now as I can't see my children. I'm autistic and she is a narcissist and used my autistic reactions to make out as if I was the one causing problems.
Again, I like your videos, yet I want to mention how sometimes - a lot of times, really - watching them can be annoying because of the constant ads which pop up. I don't fault you for wanting to profit from your TH-cam channel, I'm just wondering if there is a way you can control when the ads pop up or the frequency of them. Every five minutes or so on a 40 minute video where it keeps interrupting you mid sentence gets rather irritating. It might just be me and ties in with my autism, but I have gotten annoyed quite a few times over it.
I would think if you have a way to control when they pop up, you could schedule them right after an answer given and before you read off the next question. I think that would work better if you are able to do it.
As I don't pay TH-cam money and I don't make money from TH-cam videos, I don't know how this works, so it may not matter what I've suggested.
To see how annoying it can be, watch one of these videos of yours when you're not logged into your account so you experience the ads. Perhaps you might see what I'm talking about. Perhaps not.
In either case, your videos are quite valuable for information and therapeutic in helping me process my emotions when I think about things with my ex. I hope you don't get tired of doing these as I imagine other people are getting similar benefit and with the questions you have to answer it's clear people are benefitting. Thank you for being on here.
Thanks for this input, David. When there is a longer video like the live feed, that's what google does. It's sort of an all or nothing use of ads.
@@SurvivingNarcissism - Okay. Sounds like you have no or little control then. Thanks for the reply.
Bevertone 😂
I’m
Love bombing! That’s the word for what they’ve been doing to me!❤😂
Now I want chili 😂 Dr. C, you and Jennifer are going to have to share these recipes! Chili, sweet potato casserole, etc.!!! 😋
We both like to cook, so it's a shared delight!
41:00+ "is is learned"? "yes" YES! I see it in parents & I saw it watched it happen in my family I remember seeing the manipulation when I ws a toddler I know you know that many of us in fact can remember that far back & in fact I use photos to relate to these periods & memories thank you it does run in families ..