Perfect description of what it feels like to be trapped with an abusive, crazy making "caregiver" whom you depend on financially. My mother kept haunting me in my dreams for years after I left home. The good news is that eventually you wake up from the nightmare and can begin to heal your trauma.
@@theMelGibsonatorBoth my sister and I still have nightmares to this day! Please know you are not alone in this! I’m glad you have moved past this stage (hopefully)!❤
Narc Mom teaches you from day one that you are not allowed to have boundaries, and your primary purpose in life is to please her. This sets you up for disaster when you start dating - I allowed men to treat me badly because that's what I was trained to do. Thanks mom.
@@mr.r2362 I think it can actually worse for the son of a Narc Mom...she will sometimes treat him as a surrogate husband, expecting him to fulfill her emotional needs. (on top of all the other weird narc abuse).
I tried to advocate for myself when I felt my feelings were being dismissed--I was called "argumentative", "difficult", "selfish." I always had to apologize just to keep the peace in the house.
OMG just realized all of this regarding my narc parents at age 65. Desperately trying to recover while I still have some years to enjoy life and realize I am not the defective person that needs to constantly please others.
Totally! I theorize that they are really just demons who took over our loved one invited in through trauma which makes me feel sad for my mother and I don't think it was a curse. I feel I had the mother I needed and while it was fraught with many ups and downs. I'm no mama's boy and don't take shit from anyone and true freedom was growing up in the 70's with a narcissist parent haha just be home when the lights come on. Sex drugs and rock and roll were quickly discovered at 13...
Im 27 and found my mom is a narc and our dad is an enabler... and have 6 siblings with manipulative roles and I was the escapegoat it's been 3 month since I found out... Here my dear while I found my bro crying and confused, I have make the mistake of telling my little bro about this narc/dysfunction in our family and our mother is a narcissist and he told everyone what I told him and the whole family made a campaign on me... So please dear don't ever tell anyone that you know this shit. I know you want to tell everyone and say hey I got the answer ... But no you'll be doomed and may never stand up again... But if you feel the urge to tell someone talk to a psychologist/therapy , I repeat never tell any family/relative that you found out about narcissism keep yourself safe❤
You've described me. My mother won't allow me to have boundaries, can't defend myself, can't talk about things that interests me, never has my back, never admits to being in the wrong, gaslights me, no empathy and compassion, argues, but she's always right, lies, manipulates etc..
Understatement…. I’m 47 and struggling so badly. Sometimes I think I’ve survived but l was robbed of a happy childhood and well rounded life and that truly breaks my heart.😢
@@NikkaKriss Give yourself a happy adulthood. Go ahead and do some childish childhood like things. Think of your parent(s) while doing it and say something akin to "so there! Can't stop me now!" Go to the beach and play with the sand. Or the park and play on the swing. Or with it if you feel silly on it. I never felt like I fit in so I went into the military as enlisted and went through basic combat training. It is the sergeant's jobs to make you fit in and tell you that you do at the end. Maybe you prefer a team sport. Pick one that is easy for you like volleyball. I even coached it and made sure everyone played. Adult leagues for fun get to do that. You can work at healing those hurts from childhood by "parenting" yourself. I taught some simple crafts. At the library. You cannot change the past but you can round out your present.
I used to say I need to go to the bathroom even though I didn't, and just sit there with my eyes closed and experience 5 minutes of peace. Highlight of my day.
I was screamed at for caughing and taking deep breaths (I must have suffered from some sort of autoimune stuff, which made me gasping for and not being able to inhale enough air). Also I was screamed for drinking water often. And wanting to pee several times at night. So I had to find excuses to leave the room and try to get some air in. It was painful. I also peed in my toy little cups at night and tried to empty them unnoticed in the morning. Once I forgot to empty them. She almost destroyed me with her screams and remarks about me being a psycho.
My mother is also a narcissist. What I have finally realized does anytime they dismiss anything that you want to try to communicate to them, it’s because they don’t have any respect for you. They don’t actually love you respect you and they mostly want for you to fail so that they don’t feel so bad. This is how you know you’re dealing with a narcissist, in my opinion.when it’s your parent and they treat you like someone they don’t like and it doesn’t bother them that they hurt you? That’s a narcissist.
I sometimes try to dismiss my experience growing up with a vulnerable/covert narcissistic parent as ‘not that bad’. And then I sit down and listen to someone validate my experience and I’m suddenly in tears for the child version of myself who deserved a mother with compassion and empathy and who deserved to have boundaries observed and respected.
I was in my 40's before I realized my mother was a covert narcissist & I was not the crazy one. I did not have a horrible childhood but there was a lot of instability and no sense of unity even though we were homeschooled and had very few friends. I always felt it was strange that we weren't closer than we were, but mother did not cultivate an atmosphere of closeness. It was worse for my 2 youngest sisters, though, they were scapegoats, my Dad was as well, until he passed away. I did not understand it at the time.
@@iamsarahlee79Mom did her best to triangulate me and my siblings. We fought with each other constantly bc of her lies and manipulation. Even when you realize not to feed the beast, it doesn't mean others do.
I’m almost 40 and now finally seeing the truth! Mom is a covert it was always about her and her emotional issues growing up! She triangulated the relationship with my father which I regret having lost him 6 years ago. From a young age I would have to listen to her crying and complaining about my dad hence making me have a hate towards him! (This was unjustified) Growing up I had very traumatic relationships allowing others to disrespect me! Finally I do see that I am a people pleaser … thank god I have discovered the reality. Working out the negative consequences and love seeing videos like this they help me understand
The parent will never see it. Everyone else is the problem. And the negative responses. The verbal attacks never change. I ended up leaving a 20 yr marriage because my spouse is a narcissist who was mentally and emotionally abusive. Empaths suffer the most when they’ve become a people pleaser which at 51 I’m still trying to work on.
Thats So True As A Child ; Children By Nature ARE Immature And Do Not Have The Know-With-All Inside TO Process. Eventually When Children Get Older They Do Begin TO See And Realize Things , Much Differently; And Even Can Experience Delayed Anger ; Sometimes Implosions Even Happened From All The Unprocessed Stuff Within 🥹💔
I don’t agree. When you’re a child, yes you think it’s normal but no, nothing is your fault because there is NO fault since everything is normal. If you think you are guilty of something, it means you know that the situation is not normal.
It’s like walking on eggshells every minute of every day waiting for “the other shoe to drop”, never knowing when the next rage or outburst is going to come or what will cause it. Spending all your time rehearsing your words in your head over and over in case one of those words unleashes a torrent of nastiness. It is hell on earth no matter whether you’re an adult or a child.
This absolutely described my life as a child and young adult living with my half sister. But am glad now i was finally able to escape her but i can still feel the effects up to this day😭😭😭
That's how I have lived my life. Trying to be in tune with other's feelings so I can be prepared when the shoe drops. Always hypervigilant. Watching and waiting.
Narc father endlessly told me "Don't touch that, you'll break it". He would pull things out of my hands as he said it. Accused me of breaking things I hadn't broken. Anything I wanted to do he'd tell me "Don't do that, you'll fail." Also told me there was no money for college, so I should learn how to type so I could always get a job as "somebody's secretary". Refused to go to my HS graduation because it would be "boring". Told me I wasn't interesting anymore. And that's just off the top of my head. To this day, I'll still surprised people like me and want to spend time with and I'm 62.
@@TinaHemphill Ugh, I'm so sorry. I just watched this video on Chronic Invalidation and it was like "Finally! Someone has given it a name." th-cam.com/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/w-d-xo.html
Well your Father sounds like out of a Horrormoovie. I dearly hope you could mend yourself! and between you and me, I'm 72 ; )), so You're still young at 62 ; ) !
@@alkismith4577 Yes, did not even ask about my college graduation (a good very college)! Main message was, "don't think too highly of yourself" but then criticism if we didn't hold respected positions on things like student council. Heard that they were so disappointed that I didn't run for Daffodil Princess, yet I was taught it was not good to seek attention for self. Plus my teeth were crooked but not crooked enough to get braces, in their minds, though my bro and sis got braces. I got whipped too, for things I didn't do...but the brother and his friend just had to learn to repair the broken window they broke on purpose. I'm almost 67 and it is still hard to know I tried to be a really great kid ( I have 3 sons) so I KNOW I was an easy to raise kid....but too compliant and just internalized the pain and criticism...still trying to heal now reading about narcessistic parents.
Oh man, yeah being too aware of other people's emotional states can be so overwhelming. On the other hand I'm starting to feel like it's becoming a bit of a super power to be able to accurately sniff out people and their motives.
You can be aware of their states without being responsible for them. MAKE sure you tell them THEY are responsible for them. Be wary of phrase like "you make me crazy" "You make me happy when" and correct them. People are responsible for their own responses and feelings. "well that's nice it makes you happy but I don't have to do that for you." "Sad it makes you crazy but I have the right to do that walk away".
I am EXHAUSTED by constantly checking on my SO's emotional state. I am afraid I am exhausting him, too. I have to make an effort not to have that feeling of him being constantly mad at me.
This is spot on! I grew up with a narcissistic mother and this describes me perfectly. I have poor self-esteem, blame myself for everything and am constantly hypervigilant. It's comforting to know that even though this was my upbringing, there are positive traits like empathy and having sensitivity. I never thought about having resilience but since I survived such a crazy environment, I definitely am pretty resilient.
Amen! I am identifying with everything you have experienced and pray for all of us to heal and be the people we truly are.... Not what we were told we were, sadly...unless we kept pleasing
@@sylver-rain It’s not the same. I love myself entirely but having the love of someone else is what sustains the soul. Our job here on earth is to love each other, that’s all. And when it’s missing, destruction takes place.
I am turning 50 this year, and I can subscribe to basically all of those behaviors, people-pleasing, hyper-vigilance...yep, but finally, slowly getting over that.
I told my sister the same thing. I tried and tried. She's living with me at 80 years old. Nobody else wants her. My sister put her out last year. Nothing has changed. I'm putting her in a nursing home soon. I can't handle this. I feel like a child in my own house. She hates that I have boundaries now. Hates it!!!!! My husband loves her but he wants her out. He doesn't like the affect she has on me. He said my attitude and behavior changes.
@@ANGELSVEN I hope you have friends that make you feel how you deserve to feel. I don't know you but I'll bet you're a wonderful person as much as parents promise us the world they don't always make us feel that way. They make us doubt ourselves even when we're right
There is a site called Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents on line. It’s great, free, lots of information and opportunity to ask questions about own situation. Check it out if you need it.
A LOT of people is discussing it now. By the grace of GOD. They weren't discussing it years ago. That is why the abuse, dysfunction, and toxic patterns and cycles were able to continue.
I fear that it’s a common feature of people from the 20th century that is normalized, and people don’t notice or they romanticize it. I think narcissistic parenting styles has been encouraged up until recently. Millennials are going nuts and it’s waking people up. These poor younger generations come from generations of traumatized vampires, it’s no wonder they’re “soft” and dependent. But luckily people are starting to become aware, and hopefully we’re seeing a correction begin. I come from a narcissistic father/family but instead of being submissive I just rebelled - too much - and was a bull in a China shop in society for like 20 years. Huge ego, mad at the world, identity issues, high anxiety, alcoholism. But now I know why and have peace, and I know exactly how NOT to parent. I know how to respect kids as their own individuals, support them in their interests, make them feel safe and self-secure, foster their strengths and love them unconditionally and guide them around dangers as they do their own thing. I’m 30 and not a father yet but I’d like to be one day.
There are no rules, they are constantly shape shifting and move the bar. Part of the problem of the chaos and mayhem they create is a lack of healthy rules and consistency.
Yes, why my nursing 'career' only lasted 8 yrs. Always second guessing and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did connect with the patients well but i fell into major depression and never felt validated that i was doing a good job. Was afraid of the doctors/authority figures. Today i work on my own business ventures where i feel i can validate myself and am more in control of the environment.
Wow! This is so interesting...I am also a nurse but left clinical about 7 years ago because I was a very anxious nurse and I never thought to connect how I was feeling with how I was raised. Thank you so much for your comment as you have really given me something to ponder :)
@@jmdyjs same here, to both (a-brother wasn't a narc, was treated as a golden child but thankfully turned out decent as an adult, a-mum had some narc tendencies but not full blown, but a-dad and his own mother had a lot of narc tendencies).
I am on the autistic spectrum but also have narc trauma and was bullied. I have difficulty picking up social cues yet I am hyper vigilant about negative emotions in others. Makes so much sense now.
God bless you! I grew up with a narcissist and I am parenting two boys with Autism....I admire people on the spectrum. So strong and brave...I wish you all the best in your future and relationships..
I’m also on the spectrum with two autistic sons and a narc mother. I did have a break from her for a while and I did lots and lots of research on all things autism and narcissism although it took me years to realise and accept that she’s narcissistic….I thought for ages that she was borderline. Now (because of chronic fatigue caused by all these issues) I have to live with her!!!😫. She can be nice (hence the confusion) but I am chief entertainment provider…everything revolves around her days out and I can only go out alone unless I’m going somewhere she doesn’t want to go. But what I want to say is that I’ve made a lot of progress and I’d never let any other narcissists into my life because I can spot them very easily. It’s something that sets you off on a self development journey and it can be very tough but ultimately I’m an empathic person and my mum is an empty shell.
He is 100 percent correct about the intuition piece. I met someone at work a little over a year ago and became involved romantically. When we first met, I was so triggered, I was shaky and sad, waking up in the middle of the night crying, stuff like that. My body knew and I ignored it. Never again. I endured alot of uniquely terrible emotional abuse from him that I could have just avoided. Your body is smart! Listen to it! ❤
I think the worst part of being raised by a narcissist that when you grow up you are most likely to date or marry someone who will treat you the same way and you will accept it.
I knew as a child that something about my narcissistic dad was “off” but I didn’t have the language for it; I just knew he wasn’t affectionate and supportive like my friends’ dads. Then I heard the word “narcissist” for the first time. Curious, I looked up the criteria according to the DSM-5, and it was eye-opening. I finally had a word for it, I had the language, and this helped immensely in therapy on my road to recovery. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and I have just about all the traits listed in this video (I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries, still need to work on the people-pleasing). But most importantly, I’m *fighting back* whenever Dad’s narcissistic behavior starts up. The look on his face every time I stand up for myself is priceless.
True. I can hear her in my head blaming me for having “an egg sandwich while your brother and sister have nothing”. That was her analogy for guilting me for working hard and succeeding. They really don’t like that.
Same, and I’m sorry. I feel like for me and mine, I’ll have to go on being her daughter for a long time, even after she gets to leave this planet and stop being my mom
same. What helps me is to look at a photograph of myself being 3 years old several times a day and just like myself. Sometimes I ask the photo what would you like to do? What would you like to have right now? And then I try to give it to myself. I feel the painful and repetetive inner dialogue with a narcissistic mother is a neurological pathway that gets more damaging the more often I drive along involuntarily. It can help to notice what is happening to me: Ah, here I go again and to not just be swept over by it unconsciously. And it can slowly be replaced by a loving dialogue with the child I was back then and the person I still am right now in some ways. I wish you the best for your healing journey.
As the oldest child who was parentified, I also got blamed for everything. My parents would blame me if my siblings would act up saying “they learned it from you, it’s your fault they’re misbehaving” bc I didn’t “parent” my siblings properly as a 9-17 year old child. No contact and therapy changed my life. i still struggle , but im much better off without them in my life. I hope you are able to find peace friend, no one deserves to feel the way narcs make their kids feel.
middle child…oldest was golden….my little sister was 5.5 years younger, i was told i should know better when we were both doing something wrong…i grew up to resent her, i’m 66, we finally are forming a friendship…they just brought this golden baby home and i became yesterday’s news…resentment, acting out, told so many cruel things, like diarrhea of thr mouth….my effort to be noticed, last spring my little sister said she didn’t remember being played with, read to, hugged, even just talked to…same experience i had, i was in my own silo trying to survive in this lackof fun, unloving childhood. they didn’t take us on vacations…but once we were gone they traveled the world, and then expected me to listen to the vacation stories.
I was the baby but the only girl. You can imagine the nightmare of being told I had to be just like her but the again, 😢I would never be good enough. It is a horrific way to grow up, the issues from this abuse take us our whole life to resolve. I even became a therapist looking for my answers. Self love and reparenting myself has been my healing
My kid sister would smoke skunks in the house and my mom would threaten me with homelessness. I would never smoke in the house house , I saved it for doing the work around her house. Yet I was blamed. No ironically my mom smokes pot now...
@@cindyolney6543 me too cindy…i’ve been my therapist….my daughter also is my therapist….we have talked it all out, salf love, personal boundaries…just doing this I can see why when things trigger me.
congratulations! going no contact with parents can be so difficult & beyond flying monkeys, just well intentioned others who understandably can't comprehend how that can literally be necessary for the well being or even survival of adult children therefore they often question & even invalidate your choice but it's absolutely awesome you've lasted a decade & feel so good about it! 💚 thank you for sharing!
I walked away about the same time and I will second your statement "life is wonderful." It was so crazy how much better my life got once I went no contact. It's so fantastic these days, I shutter when mommy dearest sends my birthday cards ..... I don't know why she would want to remind me of my birthday.....big dummy!!!
My mother is a narcissist. She also suffers from PTSD and CPTSD. I strongly believe she has these narcissistic traits as "revenge" on her past and "someone owes her." I told my mother something that was true and provable. She dismissed me, I tried to defend the hurt I felt from her, and she then said, "I was never allowed to be right when I was young. I'm your mother and you have no right to challenge me." I was 32 at the time, and I was reiterating medical advice her doctor had given me. She couldn't accept that what I was saying was truth.
Omg! This is what people do to me…I call it the curse of Cassandra who was given the gift of prophesy but when she rejected apollo, he cursed her with no one believing her prophecies
I'm 40 years old and only recently started realizing and accepting that my loving mother is in fact a hardcore narcissist, and that her upbringing, though well meant, damaged me forever. I've been trying to heal for the last few years but with very little success.
It's a long road back, but you have an amazing tool set! Children raised by Narc Moms tend to be VERY resilient. (They had to be - their survival depended on it!) Chances are you also developed the gift of empathy, are able to read emotions, and are very independent. Children who live with a narc parent develop keen survival instincts... instincts which become very useful later in life. Yes, we were damaged. But like a broken bone, we heal stronger. Much love to you, my friend.
Kyrgizion: I well remember the day I realized that my mother's treatment of me my entire childhood was Verbal Abuse. I had thought it was Me...because I was told that I was the cause of all the problems in the family! I was almost 50 years old when I came to understand that she had verbally abused me. It was all about her...not me. It isn't easy to get free from parental programing, but by God's grace I believe what He says about me now, and I believe in His love for me and I live now with a quiet heart. I pray you will look to God through His word for your way out of the darkness of lies into the light of truth and life.
Hi, here is a book I loved and a suggestion for you. By Lindsay C Gibson: Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It was really awesome. She has free articles and videos too. I am rooting for you and send best wishes ✨️
With very little success because of your mindset. It starts with your language: "damaged me forever" isn't exactly productive as you set the outcome that is opposite of what you need.
Agree. Especially when all the narc does is pathologize you. My covert narc mom always had ridiculous assumptions and mental gymnastics about how whatever I did or my goal was something "wrong" with me. Always projected her own flaws and behaviors onto everyone else. I stopped sharing information with her, which of course to her meant I was cold, distant, socially weird, don't care about other people, etc. Zero ability to self-reflect or understand how her behavior affects other people.
You started make me cry when I heard we were allowed to respect and love ourselves... I am on my way, but still not there... still thinking it is pretentious.
A social worker once told me that I was entitled to a spot under the sun. I could'nt believe my ears an almost felI of my chair. Never knew that, but it changed my way of thinking about my self worth.
@isabelleb.1270 If it's tough to be proud of yourself today, please kindly accept my compliment of being proud of you for being aware & working on it. Look, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and really dumb ones sometimes. No human is immune from bruising the ego! But please know you are so worthy. If you are able to at least treat others how you wish to be treated, you can start there and be proud of yourself. Maybe creating like crafting, painting, idk so many different ways to create, can help you along with working on this. So you can stand back and say I did that!
@@janekollmann9167 Almost the same here : when a social worker told me that if I liked Nature so intensely, it was maybe due to the fact that I believed I did not deserve being here !
I show a lot of borderline tendencies. I just have discovered that I spent a lot of my life in total dysregulation. I call it going on autopilot. It's horrible. I am only recovering now that I'm 60. I knew I had CPTSD, but didn't know what to do about it. Watching your explanation is incredibly helpful in seeing all of the conflicting emotions and thoughts that cause paralysis.
I am 59 years old and only in December of 2023, did I finally figure out that my mom is a narcissist. She can never accept responsibility for anything going wrong. I wish that I had known about this years ago. I would have such a better life.
Good for you. I realized my mom was a narc when n my 30s (now 50) before that I just thought that she was completly in lack of boundaries. Then I learned about covert narc and boy that was an eye opener.
Yes, in case u are wondering if someone is narcissistic, pay attention to how they treat your important milestones like graduations, birthdays and getting married etc. They struggle big time because they know they should be happy for u but actually they are seething with anger. Which is so unnatural for a parent to feel and they know that. So they will just smile or be present but they won't actually celebrate or praise you in any way. They will even withhold gifts or money because they are so upset at your progress.
Yeah demons are diabolical and make great actors! I wound up gay from the trauma of being raised with a narcissist mother but anytime I was going through problems she would often go on a trip and avoid dealing and leave me with the stepfather. I had my epiphany when my mother told me that the gay man she had introduced me to on a luncheon date hadn't liked me and seemed to derive great pleasure in telling me why! Ha ha anyways I haven't seen her in over 10 years and they are the peaceful years.
@SirenaSpades indeed. My mom would also get pissed of other relatives or friends gave me any praise or gifts. Hard to tell if it's because they loved me more than she did. Or if she's just plain envious of the attention I was getting at the time.
@SirenaSpades Yeah my dad really did that with my sister. She was the successful one so I didn't get this treatment 😂 He also used his family in general to brag and make himself appear more loved and surrounded by other people than he actually was. Behind closed doors, he didn't actually care about family.
Spot on! I’m 2 years 0 contact with mother. Father died 2020. Let the healing commence! But… single for 4 years. Learning to recognize, break patterns and set boundaries.
YES!!! This is the video that brings me home to myself and a journey made crystal clear. Thank you for your clarity and generosity. My self-esteem has always been based on helping, fixing, giving to others starting with my mother. Then standing alone often depressed, lonely, lost. I pushed away men that would buy me presents and come at me with enthusiasm. I was attacked by a German Shepard while riding my bike at age 12, ran into the house in shock to tell my mother. Her response _ "oh great, now we're going to have trouble with the neighbors!". I eventually lost my voice - "selective mutism" they call it, as I lost myself. A nun took me before the class, shaming me and slapping me when no sound would come out of my mouth. My mother's response "those nuns are saints" and you're doing that on purpose. Forgive me if I go on. You are the first person who has ever "got me". What I struggle with now is my mother's repeated phrase, "don't ask me for anything!". Plus, I am always looking for people or pets to help, fix, nurture. So, the formula I hear is give "empathy and compassion" to myself. That suddenly makes me cry. How to do it? I've wasted so many years wandering emotionally. The good news is I have connected with one human being here who can effectively guide me out of this lonely life.
@progressivedragon6664 It came from a place of concern and care, actually, and was definitely NOT a correction, in any way, and was intended to be supportive. When I re-read, I thought I had probably misinterpreted the OP's meaning. I don't do 'correction' of others. I don't feel your 'correction' of my comment was helpful when my intentions were kind.
😢 WOW! There are so many children that have been neglected and poorly treated with no concern. Parents are supposed to love, nurture, and teach their children to be empathic, caring and compassionate adults. Instead many people have grown up with narcissistic people who can't even begin to see or understand what they are doing to their children, not to mention the broken adults they become. It's so sad. Not everyone are ment to be parents. God bless all those who have gone through this neglectful upbringing. It breaks my heart 😢
I’m 19yr and I still have a Father who says he doesn’t want to believe he’s the problem but the support of my life even when I lost my birth mother since 3yrs old, he physically punished me, mentally and emotionally abused me and now for the past few weeks I lost my stepmother, I still want him to open his eyes and see that he is still hurting me even though all those years I have been suffering from pleasing him, forgive him and I’m F@&KING SICK OF HIM, that I don’t care what happens to him anymore!!! P.S I apologize for my language.
i'm so sorry for your experience 💚 your language is completely understandable imo as you absolutely *deserve* your desired recognition, validation & resolution of the mistreatment but unfortunately (as you appear to already recognize) that's *highly* unlikely to happen no matter what you do at least glad you're realizing these things as young as you have so you have more time to create & enjoy your own life worth living full of people who will actually respect & support you rather than continuing to invest so much in someone so unwilling to reciprocate. congratulations on making it this far & best wishes moving forward 🌈
Narcissists can’t see it. It’s part of the disorder that they aren’t capable of much self awareness, incapable of learning from consequences. You will Never get this. You have to stop wanting it. Let him prove to you he’s a narc and let that be enough. You are enough without his validation.
@@r_and_a So much pain . . . now that you see the picture clearly, you can put distance between you and your "father". Reach out to those who will appreciate your uniqueness and lift you up. I'm glad you found Dr. Fox. He's like the good father we wish we had.
At 19, I left with little support and forged my life. It is not easy but you will find those that love and appreciate you for who you are. Those people are gems. I pray you find the right path to your peace.
Yep, that's me! Dr fox, I had a scary occurrence this evening. I left work early because it was snowing, and nearly had a head-on collision with an oncoming car. We scraped each other's sides at about 50 kph, and she got scratched and my side mirror was broken . I thought I was about to bite the big one, and I didn't want to go. I still have things to do! It made me think maybe I'm trying too hard in life. I should not have gone to work at all today. I should have checked the forecast. How sad and what a waste if my life was lost due to stupid snow, due to trying to measure up, trying to make enough money to be worthy and to not be deemed a failure period to prove to my aunt that I'm working hard enough. But it's not worth it. My child needs a mother. That was a brush with death tonight.
This is me. I'm blamed by parents for all of their own issues that have nothing to do with me, constant criticism, nothing I do is ever good enough. No stable relationships, friendships are not supportive, no life partner. Middle-aged now, too late to build a life now. At this point I don't believe anyone would want me or that I can rely on anyone new.
it is never too late. Find what your true passion or purpose is by using mediation lie Vision Walk and do it may be in an experiential transformative holiday away. It changed my life.
"When will I be made to feel small?" As soon as you feel good about yourself. I think my mother had a homing device that let her know the second I started feeling okay about myself. She trained my siblings to do the same thing. It's so automatic they don't even realize they're doing it. i have extremely limited contact with them.
Exactly. After my mom died my sister stepped up to the role of chief narcissist. Like the wicked witch of the west was worse than her dead sister, my sister was worse than my mother.
There's a fifth F of four letters that comes into play as an adult, too, that nobody really discusses when dealing with a partner or other relationship where that can come into play.
Existential guilt. "You owe me your life!" Guilted and shamed for having wants and needs. No sovereign rights, only grudgingly observed in public to keep up appearances in front of other adults. I wont be going to my "mothers" funeral.
I have found that my parents were not born wanting to harm or hurt their children. They are human beings with flaws. I have come to forgive those flaws. It felt to me they themselves are the broken ones. I am a survivor and am stronger because of their flaws.
I have a parent who is a narcissist and my husband is one too. He’s a covert narcissist so I didn’t see it until I became a different person bc of his abusive behavior and I received help for counseling and from God.
Intentional by my mother and three narcissistic sisters and older brother..they called me a whore at age 16 but they lied about me my whole life..jealousy and being different from them..
My father beat me a bit too often on top screaming at me regularly. It took me quite some years/decades to learn to set boundaries, to not curse the world, and to care and to have faith in the good. It’s difficult to quit the blaming game and to focus on making things a bit better, but definitely doable.
It's even worse when you have narcissistic siblings who are exactly like the narcissistic and abusive mother and grandmother. This was my childhood and teenage years, and it was Hell on Earth. Thank God Im the total opposite of their vileness.
I don’t know anyone else who has had this experience. My mom & sister are narcissistic beyond belief. I have two other sisters, who make excuses for my mom & sister. No one other than me & my dear friends (who have met them) acknowledges they’re narcissistic. Despite witnessing some awful emotional abuse, even my extended family says nothing. It’s like living in the twilight zone. I’m so sorry you’ve had the same experience. It’s so lonely & disorienting. Take care. 💕
@@lizg.8626 , it was awful growing up in that environment. Luckily my dad was the buffer to that toxicity. He could be firm and even hard at times, but at least he encouraged me to seek my own direction in life and just to be myself. My brother, who was kind of in the middle of these toxic and dysfunctional dynamics was ultimately swaded by my mother and sisters Narcissism and toxicity. He is now deceased, bad health, bad diet and was too caught up in their vileness. My my parents and grandparents are now deceased, so it's just me and the narcissistic, toxic sister. She still defends the toxic and abusive behavior and personality of my mother and grandmother.
@@pigeonhawk4832 wow. Same in my family. My dad was so grounding for me. He was my biggest cheerleader. Unfortunately, he passed away 17 years ago. So, now it’s just my narcissistic mom and sister, and the two other sisters enable them. I’ve done a lot of therapy and the best thing to do is just love them from afar. Don’t share a lot of personal details about your life because it will be exploited by your sister, or you will get demeaning comments. I had to learn over a long period of time that narcissist really don’t care about anyone but themselves.
This is one of the best descriptions of it that I have ever heard. It isn't just a list of traits. It's background information and encouragement to be strong enough to stand up instead of being knocked down. Well done.
Thank you for explaining my life. Dr. Fox. I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents (dx by a psychiatrist). Can finally muster some self-compassion for the anguish i endured as a child and my poor choices in choosing romantic partners in adulthood. The empathy, intuition, sensitivity, and resilience are lasting gifts i intend to put to good use. Thanks again. A lifesaver. ❤
Yes the gifts of empathy and sensitivity etc is the positive outcome I have that too but sadly still sad and confused deep down and inside from childhood trauma Also just a question do 2 narcissists parents get on or do they clash both being strong willed and wanting things under their control???
@@MissG8340 Please be gentle with yourself and allow all.the time needed to heal. One of the best youtube comments that helped me i will pass along to you. "Get it together and find your worth." I do not know in general if 2 narcissists who marry each other get along. My mother was grandiose. She called the shots. My father was covert (vulnerable). He undermined her efforts via passive aggressive tactics that were subtle, sly, and cruel. They divorced after 32 years of wedded misery. Good luck, you can rise and shine.
@@victoriam2894 hi Victoria Thank you for your reply I try to be kind to myself but all those thoughts of your not good enough, why are you stupid that I was bought up to think about myself criticise myself over and over It’s like I’m just stuck in a rut where I know im worthy and have value and am aware I was treated badly and wrongly growing up but also I just don’t no how to move forward It’s just trying to have the strength and confidence to be independent and move forward with my life My upbringing was with a dominant narcissist father who controlled every move we made made us feel worthless and disabled us in such a way we were made to feel we couldnt survive without him and also that we owed him our life as he felt he was God and everything that happened was because of him
@@MissG8340 yes, I believe I understand. These discouraging thoughts get implanted when you are small. They get stuck and keep looping in the mind until they seem true. Except they are not the truth. They are your father's lies. To feel better you must decide to leave him behind. It is hard. You are worth it.
Thank you ❤ Yes its exactly that, the mindless loop that just goes round and round and round and believes all the negative thoughts inputted by my narc father It’s terrible I trusted him so I feel stupid for believing him growing up but at the same time your parents are the first ppl you trust 😢 It’s so hard I’m lonely 😞 and although sociable no one would ever understand what I go through It feels like the world is strong but me I was stupid to believe everything and even 42 years later seeing that it’s wrong find it hard to tell my mind that I know think my narc father was prob intimidated by my potential to be successful to be strong to be something in life so he put me down and made sure I never had a chance 😢
I am stunned! You are 100% correct. I so needed it, because oftentimes I just blame myself. It was like that from early childhood. To make the matters worse, the narcissistic mother keeps saying that if I feel guilt it means I must be guilty.
9:23 This really impacted me deeply and the worst part is in my african culture if you are a kid they dismiss your feelings entirely till you reach an age where it can get difficult with laws etc. I always wanted to feel seen when i was a little child I wanted them to consider me and my feelings and not being treated like a burden. I never understood why they were so mad and always blame me infront of other acquaintances or people and threatened me. I forgave them a long time ago even now when I am in my adulthood they changed a lot yet it doesn’t dismiss what I went through and how I subconsciously react and cope with life. I feel shameful all the time and in alert
Love this video! For me, self compassion has been the biggest game changer. So many things fall into place when you can actually start to value yourself. Setting boundaries is getting easier. It used to feel like I was walking into a black hole.
Yep. Narcissists will get so upset when you "call them out", point out their behavior. It shatters their self-centered, warped reality of themself as entitled. Welcome the space she puts between you. You deserve better.
I was voted friendliest girl in my small all girl high school. When I came home I told my mom, she said “if they knew what a phony you are they’d never vote you that “!
She couldn't stand for anyone else to give you positive feedback. It conflicts with the negative, shame filled narrative she is trying to foist on your self-worth.
i am so sorry this happened to you!!!! I have always been a kind person and seemed to be liked by people and when my mother would hear how someone liked me, she would say "they don't know you" i know how this hurts.
My narcissistic "parents" tried to create this self-blame etc in me but I was always very objective. I knew by 5 years old that I was with seriously disturbed people. And by 12 yrs old I was like F you! I'm doing what I want, not staying here with your craziness!
Fifty years after the fact, I discover from my narc mother that when I was 5 years old there was a mother/child tea put on by the school for the first day. The kids went off to class, leaving the mothers with their tea party. Well, apparently I dashed off with the other kids, happy as a clam. Fifty years later she confronts me "AND YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED BACK!" Major narc injury. My older sister kicked up such a fuss my mom had to sit in with her for the first few days of classes. Mom refused to give us independence. (My sister stayed living with Mom until Mom's death in her 90s)
Yes, I look back on it, and at every stage of my growth, my narcissistic mother tried so hard to sabotage me. :( I'm amazed that I pushed through to finish post-graduate school and have a successful career. I think my only saving grace is I never went back after I graduated from high school, and just kept moving farther and farther away...... I didn't even invite my parents to my wedding, because my dad said, "I don't want to meet your boyfriends anymore." Plus I was a student, and working when we got married. We couldn't afford it. I realize now, my parents crashed my elopement. My mother hates my husband, because he had NORMAL parents. He can see through her and doesn't put up with her bizarre manipulation. He was so patient with me as I navigated understanding the sociopathy my mother displayed all my life. I am sure my mother thinks my husband "stole" me from her. But I am not a possession. I don't belong to her. I don't belong to my husband. I have free will, and she absolutely HATES that. As she ages, and has started developing dementia, she has gotten more and more paranoid and MEANER to the point that she wanted control over my bank account. CREEPY. I never thought she would have devolved to this point. So many delusional behaviors.
I’m wondering if there are others with narc.mothers who don’t listen? I have to tell her things, especially when it comes to things about myself, over and over again. They never register. It’s like she nods her head but she’s not listening?
@airthrowDBT Well, this is what is so strange… the fact that she never talks about the past! It’s as if we didn’t exist as a family. My Mom was a single Mom and so checked out and so overwhelmed and was far too busy trying to find a man and had many boyfriends. I think she doesn’t know what to say because she probably doesn’t even remember what any of us went through because she wasn’t paying attention. As the middle child and sensitive one, (oddball in my family), I finally rebelled when I became a teenager after so many new schools and moves, and I just learned that it’s not uncommon for the narcissist to not put up with anything. And she sure did not! I got kicked out several times for not coming home some nights. I was on my own in my own apartment with my boyfriend at 17. It was a hard life and she sure didn’t make anything easy for me. I’m finally here at 60 and my two kids are grown and wonderful people, who know all about my family dysfunction and they are thankful that I am their Mom. I raised them and they were my world and perhaps I went to the other extreme, but I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to right all the wrongs that were done to me. They were brought up in the same house for their whole life, (unlike myself moving constantly), my husband and I were together (and are still together 31 years now), and brought them up to know the Lord as that has given my life the meaning and peace that I had wanted for so many years. My daughter is married already and my son will be a Physicist in one more year. Life is good! Ps I just got done spending my Mom’s 81st birthday with her and my sister and it took me awhile to get back to feeling myself after that. I’ve been watching these videos for validation that it’s not me! She wants to make it an annual thing that we meet up in the Keyes at my sister’s. Lord help me! 😜
My mother is a Narcissist, I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female. I am the oldest of five children my parents had. Jesus is our hope. I been a Christian for over 11 years now. God is Love. I know my worth and values.
You are so right. Jesus is the one who saves and redeems. If we allow it, he will heal all our wounds. For some it’s instant, for others it’s a process. I’m in the process. A lifetime of bad programming is being adjusted, from unhealthy to healthy.
The way he laid out how it shapes your personality throughout your life was spot on. Just found this channel. Really looking forward to learning more and finally healing.
A plea to spouses of narcissitic parents: Get them away from your kids! My Dad was great and any strengths I have resemble those of a girl raised by an only Dad. But they’re overshadowed by the emotional damage caused by my mother. I would have been far better off with no mother at all.
Great breakdown of narcisstic abuse. Took me 40 years to realize that this video was my childhood and my family. Felt like you were talking about me specifically
i hope both of you commenting are being sure to prioritize your self care 💚 there are lots of groups & communities online who can understand & help support you while navigating relationships with narcissists you can't or don't want to go full contact with
Wow! You hit the nail on the head. Never have I ever heard such an accurate description of what I was feeling inside. I can’t thank you enough. I saved this video so I can watch it again and again. You explained pretty much every character trait I have, and how that became part of my personality. I am absolutely amazed. I am determined to heal, grow and change my behaviors. This is the video I needed at the exact moment in time that I am ready to receive it. Thank you so much. I wish I could’ve heard these words many years ago.
I relate to alll of this! I have been learning boundaries, self-respect & esteem, but I'm 61 yrs old, & after being the scapegoat of a narc mom, I married a narc. I'm grieving so many lost yrs. It helps to be validated by videos like yours. I appreciate you pointing out the positives. Through my faith, & much counsel, I am so much healthier. This video is 1 of the most comprehensive, accurate, & balanced videos I've seen about what we experience, how we function, & what we need to do. Thank you
I realised I was giving my parents empathy and validation, compassion and understanding. Not triggering their sore spots, I thought they loved me, then I woke up! To who they are what they've done and what they're about! They're selfish, inconsistent, cruel, thoughtless, angry, contemptuous, disdainful, moody, incapable, manipulative, bullying, secretive, demanding, closed minded and messed my whole life up. Once you wake up, the reality is stark
Thank you Mary, I wish I could. I didn't wake up until I got seriously ill, now I'm stuck living close by. I'm working on it though. Getting ill is how I saw it all in technicolour, very painful. All the very best to you 👋✌
@@bereal6590 May you continue to heal and leave behind this chapter of your life! Whatever mistreatment you experienced may it only be a distant memory 😎✌️😘
This is very accurate. I always liked the analogy that a narcissistic parent has an "ownership mentality". Boundaries don't matter, because you are their "property". I still have stress nightmares at the age of 53. Fiercely independent is spot on accurate. I had hip surgery and it was very difficult for me having to rely on people. Of course the narcissistic parent was all over it when I was at my weakest and attempted to get me to move in with them. Yes, you see everyone with that same hidden agenda. You really have to try hard to give people a chance.
I’ll be 34 in August and I actually grew up with a covert narcissistic mother. I see SO much of this in me. To make matters worse, I went straight into an 8 year prison/slavery to a narc “best friend”. I am now (as of yesterday) a year free. Freedom is possible, but it’s been a damn long journey!!
One of the most shocking yet obvious things I realized. I'm 26 and despite doing well financially for most of my twenties I still feel like a teenager lol. It’s as if I got stunted somewhere down the line
Something very interesting I'm getting from this, as a person with a - depending which therapist of mine you ask, either narcissistic or a histrionic mother - & a father who is deeply traumatised, autistic & emotionally immature. Both of my parents have essentially the same behaviours & traits. They're both so unpredictable, require a hell of a lot of coddling & pleasing, required me to parent them & regulate their emotions, required for me to pre-empt their needs & meet them etc. I was often blown away by their immaturity & realised the irony of that, even at a very very young age. I think my narc mum preyed on my autistic dad & it's interesting how both of them ended up with the same traits. The main difference was my mother was intentionally cruel & hated being a mum. My dad was an explosively angry man who couldn't control his rage & didn't take responsibility for his emotions & we all suffered, but his intention was never to be cruel. Two different people, similar traits.
Jeepers; you just summed up my experience too; i often wondered if my dad was on autistic spectrum; he was kind but also had explosive rage moments that were likely brought on by narcissistic mom’s manipulations; it’s so crazy making isn’t it.
It's worth considering that one or both of them could be on the spectrum. There's a lot of talk about narcissism currently, but there are many autism traits that mirror narcissism also. There has only recently been more medical and scientific focus on autism. It just wasn't considered 40+ yrs ago unless it was a severely autistic male. I'm 44 and dealing with and unpacking all this confusion myself. My father is a narcissist, but my mother, who always showed the traits but still was confusing because she also seemed like she cared so much, turns out she is on the spectrum. Her issues stem from not a lack of caring but the actual inability to be able to see others as autonomous beings who think and behave differently than herself. Very unfortunately, people who are on the spectrum who are not aware of it, are highly susceptible to the influence of narcissists, because the narcissist easily makes them believe that everyone thinks the same way. So what I have is a narcissistic father and a mother who has been under his mind control her whole lifetime of knowing him, but isn't aware of it, so she has never been able to realize or understand that this dynamic is not normal. And of course, she also outwardly acts just like him. Often times also, just two people who are on the spectrum marry and there isn't narcissism actually going on, but it seems that way especially as you get older and become your own independent person because they don't have a way to understand that you may be legitimately different than them with your own desires, preferences and life goals.
@@TH-camhandlesaresilly I'm pretty sure my Dad was/is that. I have a lot of those traits that it scares me and I wonder if what I'm dealing with is being a narcissist. I have often presented myself as a victim and as vulnerable in order to recieve sympathy because I feel so horrible. My mother om the other hand was really lacking in nurture. I didn't recieve a verbal "I love you" until I initiated it my 30s. Plenty of cards and letters that ended with, "Love Mom" I think there was just enough to be able to deny that there was a problem. That said my parents have acknowledged there was problems. Unfortunately I am left with the baggage of a very lonely childhood.
Thank you for explaining all this. I feel all these things. I’m an only child and my narcissistic mom is aging making me her sole caregiver. The nightmare continues. Trying to set boundaries, gray rock, but hard to heal when I’m still in the thick of it. I feel both permanently damaged, but also a better human as I never wanted to be like her.
I understand what you’re saying, and that is a difficult position. I admire you for doing what you feel is the right thing to do. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for doing what you do and with such compassion. Last summer I told my mom it would be nice if she asked me how I am back sometimes when I ask her how she is. She will always type out a paragraph and never ask about my life, for 10 years. She was so offended by me asking this that she blocked my number and ignored me on our birthday we share. I even apologized and said I wasn't attacking her, I really just wanted to be genuinely closer. She still thinks I'm evil and "dangerous for her mental health" and said horrible things about my dad and brother because they actually love me. I tried for months to make up and eventually asked "do you even want children" and she said "no thanks". That's when I decided to go no contact. That was in mid December so it's only been a couple months. It really sucks because I have sooo much love for her and worry about her all the time, but I know she doesn't feel the same. Sorry for venting, but this is what being an ANP is. But I will say, as I get older and with going to therapy for a few years and having a sane partner with good parents, I am starting to understand the correct way to think and the correct way to treat others. I was in ignorant bliss until 22, realized parents are supposed to be nice and had a ton of anger for for like 5 years, and now I'm getting to the point I can see it all from a larger perspective and know I deserved better, but to live and enjoy my own life. My spirituality has helped me a lot because I truly believe we reincarnate and we have ancient souls. It helps me believe that I am not just my mother's daughter, my soul existed for many lives before I even met her. It helps me feel like she is not a requirement in my life, I don't need her. I also feel like I have some of the bad traits my mom has because that is the only person who raised me and my only example. I also am hyper sensitive to criticism like she is, and I understand she is probably just deeply insecure, which makes me sad for her and have sympathy from afar instead of anger. I see her in myself at times, so I understand her, but that scares me sometimes. When you talked about the narcissistic wound, I almost have that but it's a cptsd wound. But I do feel like I have a self-awareness that she doesn't, so I can work at it and be a better person.
I think my son Shane said it best when I was divorcing my narcissistic wife. It's not that she won't Dad , she can't. Don't start to feel sorry for her. Move on and enjoy the good people in your life.
You can stay no contact as you work through separating who you are from who your mother wants you to be 😊 you’re not her mother but your own mother now ❤
I never learnt to put boundaries in my home because they said everything bothered me. I have live in insolation for decades because I don’t want to be abused and be treated like worthless by others. I agree with the video. One thing that I have never lost is my right of autonomy. It was preferred for me stay alone than be controlled. Finally I will start therapy and learn personal boundaries. Now I understand that I don't deserve live in insolation for the rest of my life. Thanks Dr. Fox for all the informative videos!
This is so clear that it’s outstanding!!!!! I’d like to see one on adult children of sociopathic parents, and sadistic parents. I just can’t find any good information on it.
My mother had narcissistic parents. Thanks to yours and others' videos I now begin to understand what she went through. What I don't know is how to deal with it/her. She still destroys herself and her health for her parents who aren't even alive anymore. She can't say no, she always has to function, being sick or not available is not an option. Other people take advantage of her. She feels she has to please everybody.. I see all this and I feel I can't do anything about it. I hate what my grandparents did to her. 😕
Thanks for your educational experience and resources, and support. I'm looking forward to listening to this topic because I would like to better understand how narcissism effects children that have grown up in an environment that involves covert narcissism and the human behavior and development that takes place in becoming an adult. God-bless.
I’m damaged beyond repair. I forgive but my identity was never lost because it was never allowed to develop in the first place. I’ll never know anything but guilt and people pleasing. I’ll never know what boundaries are like. I’ll never know what kind of person I could have been. I will die oppressed and beaten down. No matter how hard I try to overcome the need to isolate from people and insecurities, I’m stuck with these traits. Thanks Mom. I love you anyway.
Thank you for sharing your journey! It takes a lot of courage to prioritize your well-being, and I'm glad to hear that it's making a difference for you.
Wow! I think I have watched 100s of hours of youtube on narcissism and this is the clearest one I have seen re growing up with a narcissistic parent. It explains my childhood/adult paradigms so clearly. Never lose heart. When you have dealt with the negative effects of having a narcissistic parent and you trust your intuition 100%, your empathy and sensitivity towards others is a very powerful force which allows you stride through life with grace. Nice one Daniel 👍
This opened my eyes to a degree, everything makes sense now. Thank you for the explanations. All this time I thought I was the one who was always at fault, always to blame for every little thing, when mom was the issue all along. I gave up keeping a diary when I was a teen because she'd enter my room and read it all, then confront me about whatever I was writing: my crushes rejecting me, my school struggles (I have ADHD, but didn't know at the time because she wouldn't give me any financial support to go to any doctor except the GP), the way I was bullied at school, and somehow she made it sound it was my fault for all of this. If I would write about the little accomplishments I made, she would make it sound unimportant and say that I haven't won the Nobel prize or something. Everything I did, even in my adulthood, it was somehow always wrong in her eyes. The moments when she made me feel loved and accepted were very few. I'd blame myself and drown in sorrow and despair, asking myself why I am unable to do anything right, even tried to unalive myself a few times because of this. Luckily it didn't come to that. She wouldn't let me go anywhere either, wouldn't let me have friends, or a social life. She liked to micromanage every bit of my life. Fortunately I found a job in another city, so it suddenly got easier for me to distance from her and get some help, as people kept telling me what she does is not normal and I am not to blame. I cut contact with her two months ago when the pressure and toxicity from her became unbearable, and though it broke my heart to stop the contact, I feel so much better ever since. I love her, but I can't be near her.
After that childhood, when you fall in love, you want to give love a chance and give your pleasing devoted best. You repeat that a few times, in a society where narcissistic people look for you. You repeat the bad experiences over and over, pleasing some idiots, until you find the window out, through the same skills they have, of retaliation directed back towards them, by quietly studying their narcissistic behavior. You switch to their rules, giving yourself new permission to be verbally, brutally logical, cold, business-like, non-caring, distrusting, critical, non-forgiving and with a hateful cold flame, which only you, yourself control. They have no effect on your emotions, even when they tell you that they have slept with your best friend, in order to isolate you. Then telling them to get gone, you begin a life again. Distrust, but more wisdom, gets you to a point where can cut off the wrong people quicker and have a decent life. You save you, with self-love. You experience a happy ending and a new beginning to live, however you want. Freedom is a breath of sweet air, compared to a prison cell, with a person whose heart is chained to a narcissistic soul.
thank you, dr. fox. i was in a (2) yr. relationship with an extreme narcisst and finally left him. Took (7) yrs. to get over him so awful. love bombing, LIES, safety, endless CHEATING & LIES, then safety in the extreme, then MORE DECEITS it went on and on. SO awful. Never again. Now I find myself close, in a manner of speaking (NOT intimate) with another Narcisst almost as bad as the 1st one. Been binge watching Narcisst traits videos. Yours is the very best. Not the screaming, freaking out interpreters but calm and useful for me. Thank you. It's not their fault at all. BUt I cannot go through or live through another Narcisst. As an adult child of child abuse and torture, I cannot open up to a 2nd Narcisst. I need to remain safe inside my isolationist cocoon where things are calm and safe most of the time for me and the litte broken inner child that I care for. Thank you for helping with this dilemma and making things more clear for me and my inner child.
You describe me exactly-the worst and best. For some reason I sought out therapy as soon as I could in college. When others were buying cars, I was paying for therapy instead, back in the day before narcissism was discovered. I’m 74 and I’ve had a great life and I’m very strong, even though I had to develop my own self-esteem from scratch, and learn to trust myself and protect myself. I married late and only had time for one child, having dodged many hurtful relationships. But, there’s always a part of me that never feels loved.
living with a narcissistic parent is like living in a nightmare you can't wake up from.....
It can be incredibly challenging to live in such a situation. Remember, you are not alone.
Perfect description of what it feels like to be trapped with an abusive, crazy making "caregiver" whom you depend on financially. My mother kept haunting me in my dreams for years after I left home. The good news is that eventually you wake up from the nightmare and can begin to heal your trauma.
Truth!
Mother was a Roller Coaster;( needy 2 year old); Father serial cheat.. no filters! Both Folk score 100% on Narcisism
@@theMelGibsonatorBoth my sister and I still have nightmares to this day! Please know you are not alone in this! I’m glad you have moved past this stage (hopefully)!❤
Narc Mom teaches you from day one that you are not allowed to have boundaries, and your primary purpose in life is to please her. This sets you up for disaster when you start dating - I allowed men to treat me badly because that's what I was trained to do. Thanks mom.
Exactly! The same thing happened to me. I haven’t had contact with her for 10 years and now she is besties with my narc ex husband. 🤡
Same here.
I'm a son raised by a covert narc mother, so this annoying crap isn't just a girls-club issue.
@@mr.r2362 I think it can actually worse for the son of a Narc Mom...she will sometimes treat him as a surrogate husband, expecting him to fulfill her emotional needs. (on top of all the other weird narc abuse).
@@vanillawaterfae Zero contact with both was a smart move... they would try to suck you back in to the trap if they had a chance. Stay safe ❤
I was never allowed to have any boundaries.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Setting boundaries is crucial for our well-being.
I'm afraid to set boundaries that others will become violent as narcs in family did to get their own way.
Same here. Now it’s so hard to set boundaries with anyone for anything.
Same. It’s horrifying. And whenever I tried to enforce any I would get added abuse hurled at me. So tired of the injustice.
I tried to advocate for myself when I felt my feelings were being dismissed--I was called "argumentative", "difficult", "selfish."
I always had to apologize just to keep the peace in the house.
I'm 29 and just realized two weeks ago that my mom is narcissisistic. Man, everything makes so much more sense now.
OMG just realized all of this regarding my narc parents at age 65. Desperately trying to recover while I still have some years to enjoy life and realize I am not the defective person that needs to constantly please others.
Glad you realized at an early age. I am 59 years old and only know have I finally figured out that my mother is a narcissist.
Totally! I theorize that they are really just demons who took over our loved one invited in through trauma which makes me feel sad for my mother and I don't think it was a curse. I feel I had the mother I needed and while it was fraught with many ups and downs. I'm no mama's boy and don't take shit from anyone and true freedom was growing up in the 70's with a narcissist parent haha just be home when the lights come on. Sex drugs and rock and roll were quickly discovered at 13...
Im 27 and found my mom is a narc and our dad is an enabler... and have 6 siblings with manipulative roles and I was the escapegoat it's been 3 month since I found out... Here my dear while I found my bro crying and confused, I have make the mistake of telling my little bro about this narc/dysfunction in our family and our mother is a narcissist and he told everyone what I told him and the whole family made a campaign on me... So please dear don't ever tell anyone that you know this shit. I know you want to tell everyone and say hey I got the answer ... But no you'll be doomed and may never stand up again... But if you feel the urge to tell someone talk to a psychologist/therapy , I repeat never tell any family/relative that you found out about narcissism keep yourself safe❤
31 for me
You've described me. My mother won't allow me to have boundaries, can't defend myself, can't talk about things that interests me, never has my back, never admits to being in the wrong, gaslights me, no empathy and compassion, argues, but she's always right, lies, manipulates etc..
I could have wrote that exact same thing. It’s amazing how they are all cookie cutters of each other.
Is your mom named Peggy?
I understand completely because I live this same nightmare everyday.
@@kristeneichhorn6913same ❤
LOL. Youre my soul person.
Such evil evil people, they ruin your whole life. Love to all survivors.
You didn't mention:
Then put the blame on you.
@@TopperPenquin yes that too
Understatement…. I’m 47 and struggling so badly. Sometimes I think I’ve survived but l was robbed of a happy childhood and well rounded life and that truly breaks my heart.😢
@@NikkaKriss Give yourself a happy adulthood. Go ahead and do some childish childhood like things. Think of your parent(s) while doing it and say something akin to "so there! Can't stop me now!" Go to the beach and play with the sand. Or the park and play on the swing. Or with it if you feel silly on it. I never felt like I fit in so I went into the military as enlisted and went through basic combat training. It is the sergeant's jobs to make you fit in and tell you that you do at the end. Maybe you prefer a team sport. Pick one that is easy for you like volleyball. I even coached it and made sure everyone played. Adult leagues for fun get to do that. You can work at healing those hurts from childhood by "parenting" yourself. I taught some simple crafts. At the library. You cannot change the past but you can round out your present.
❤ so true @@JoyPeace-ej2uv
There is no “free will” in a relationship with a narcissist.
Sure there is learn a little self defense and say no. Get out of the relationship you are an adult now I presume.
@melodyc4064 soooo true. Just listen to Robert Supolsky.
I used to say I need to go to the bathroom even though I didn't, and just sit there with my eyes closed and experience 5 minutes of peace. Highlight of my day.
I did too!!
@@softsophisticate wow that’s mad. Yeah some people are just built different and have very little respect for others.
I was screamed at for caughing and taking deep breaths (I must have suffered from some sort of autoimune stuff, which made me gasping for and not being able to inhale enough air).
Also I was screamed for drinking water often.
And wanting to pee several times at night.
So I had to find excuses to leave the room and try to get some air in. It was painful.
I also peed in my toy little cups at night and tried to empty them unnoticed in the morning.
Once I forgot to empty them.
She almost destroyed me with her screams and remarks about me being a psycho.
terrible experience but please do congratulate yourself for having discovered and put your creativity to work!
The toilet was my safe space too
My mother is also a narcissist. What I have finally realized does anytime they dismiss anything that you want to try to communicate to them, it’s because they don’t have any respect for you. They don’t actually love you respect you and they mostly want for you to fail so that they don’t feel so bad. This is how you know you’re dealing with a narcissist, in my opinion.when it’s your parent and they treat you like someone they don’t like and it doesn’t bother them that they hurt you? That’s a narcissist.
Exactly. Looking back, I realise that my nRc- psicho mom would have enjoyed killing me, the onlý daughter
Perfectly stated
So very true!!!
They use guilt and shame to keep you spinning on their little performance based hamster wheel.
Thank you for stating that so clearly. I feel exactly as you do.
I sometimes try to dismiss my experience growing up with a vulnerable/covert narcissistic parent as ‘not that bad’. And then I sit down and listen to someone validate my experience and I’m suddenly in tears for the child version of myself who deserved a mother with compassion and empathy and who deserved to have boundaries observed and respected.
I was in my 40's before I realized my mother was a covert narcissist & I was not the crazy one. I did not have a horrible childhood but there was a lot of instability and no sense of unity even though we were homeschooled and had very few friends. I always felt it was strange that we weren't closer than we were, but mother did not cultivate an atmosphere of closeness. It was worse for my 2 youngest sisters, though, they were scapegoats, my Dad was as well, until he passed away. I did not understand it at the time.
@@iamsarahlee79Mom did her best to triangulate me and my siblings. We fought with each other constantly bc of her lies and manipulation. Even when you realize not to feed the beast, it doesn't mean others do.
I’m almost 40 and now finally seeing the truth! Mom is a covert it was always about her and her emotional issues growing up! She triangulated the relationship with my father which I regret having lost him 6 years ago.
From a young age I would have to listen to her crying and complaining about my dad hence making me have a hate towards him! (This was unjustified)
Growing up I had very traumatic relationships allowing others to disrespect me! Finally I do see that I am a people pleaser … thank god I have discovered the reality.
Working out the negative consequences and love seeing videos like this they help me understand
Amen
The parent will never see it. Everyone else is the problem. And the negative responses. The verbal attacks never change. I ended up leaving a 20 yr marriage because my spouse is a narcissist who was mentally and emotionally abusive. Empaths suffer the most when they’ve become a people pleaser which at 51 I’m still trying to work on.
But when you’re a child, you think their behavior is ‘normal’ and it’s our fault
Yep, having my own child changed everything I thought was normal from my own upbringing
Thats So True As A Child ; Children By Nature ARE Immature And Do Not Have The Know-With-All Inside TO Process. Eventually When Children Get Older They Do Begin TO See And Realize Things , Much Differently; And Even Can Experience Delayed Anger ; Sometimes Implosions Even Happened From All The Unprocessed Stuff Within 🥹💔
right on!
I don’t agree. When you’re a child, yes you think it’s normal but no, nothing is your fault because there is NO fault since everything is normal. If you think you are guilty of something, it means you know that the situation is not normal.
Nup, I realised at an early age my mother had a problem. Catholic school nuns were better!
It’s like walking on eggshells every minute of every day waiting for “the other shoe to drop”, never knowing when the next rage or outburst is going to come or what will cause it. Spending all your time rehearsing your words in your head over and over in case one of those words unleashes a torrent of nastiness. It is hell on earth no matter whether you’re an adult or a child.
This absolutely described my life as a child and young adult living with my half sister. But am glad now i was finally able to escape her but i can still feel the effects up to this day😭😭😭
That's how I have lived my life. Trying to be in tune with other's feelings so I can be prepared when the shoe drops. Always hypervigilant. Watching and waiting.
Narc father endlessly told me "Don't touch that, you'll break it". He would pull things out of my hands as he said it. Accused me of breaking things I hadn't broken. Anything I wanted to do he'd tell me "Don't do that, you'll fail." Also told me there was no money for college, so I should learn how to type so I could always get a job as "somebody's secretary". Refused to go to my HS graduation because it would be "boring". Told me I wasn't interesting anymore. And that's just off the top of my head. To this day, I'll still surprised people like me and want to spend time with and I'm 62.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That is horrible.🥺
Your story is so similar to my own and I’m 63. I felt like I was destined to disappoint him from birth.
@@TinaHemphill Ugh, I'm so sorry. I just watched this video on Chronic Invalidation and it was like "Finally! Someone has given it a name." th-cam.com/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/w-d-xo.html
Well your Father sounds like out of a Horrormoovie. I dearly hope you could mend yourself! and between you and me, I'm 72 ; )), so You're still young at 62 ; ) !
@@alkismith4577 Yes, did not even ask about my college graduation (a good very college)! Main message was, "don't think too highly of yourself" but then criticism if we didn't hold respected positions on things like student council. Heard that they were so disappointed that I didn't run for Daffodil Princess, yet I was taught it was not good to seek attention for self. Plus my teeth were crooked but not crooked enough to get braces, in their minds, though my bro and sis got braces. I got whipped too, for things I didn't do...but the brother and his friend just had to learn to repair the broken window they broke on purpose. I'm almost 67 and it is still hard to know I tried to be a really great kid ( I have 3 sons) so I KNOW I was an easy to raise kid....but too compliant and just internalized the pain and criticism...still trying to heal now reading about narcessistic parents.
Oh man, yeah being too aware of other people's emotional states can be so overwhelming. On the other hand I'm starting to feel like it's becoming a bit of a super power to be able to accurately sniff out people and their motives.
Yes, it is a superpower but can also be overwhelming. Balance in all things 🙏🏽
This is so true about the superpower 😊
You can be aware of their states without being responsible for them. MAKE sure you tell them THEY are responsible for them. Be wary of phrase like "you make me crazy" "You make me happy when" and correct them. People are responsible for their own responses and feelings. "well that's nice it makes you happy but I don't have to do that for you." "Sad it makes you crazy but I have the right to do that walk away".
I like how you described this as a Super Power.
I am EXHAUSTED by constantly checking on my SO's emotional state. I am afraid I am exhausting him, too. I have to make an effort not to have that feeling of him being constantly mad at me.
This is spot on! I grew up with a narcissistic mother and this describes me perfectly. I have poor self-esteem, blame myself for everything and am constantly hypervigilant. It's comforting to know that even though this was my upbringing, there are positive traits like empathy and having sensitivity. I never thought about having resilience but since I survived such a crazy environment, I definitely am pretty resilient.
I pray that things get better for you. I pray your strength in the Lord IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
Me too! 😞
Amen!
I am identifying with everything you have experienced and pray for all of us to heal and be the people we truly are.... Not what we were told we were, sadly...unless we kept pleasing
Amen
You had no choice but to be resilient.❤
Living with narcissistic parents is to dream about feeling loved.
😢so true. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
@@christianbond5269 I love you, friend. 💞🤟
I found out that love comes from within
@@sylver-rain It’s not the same. I love myself entirely but having the love of someone else is what sustains the soul. Our job here on earth is to love each other, that’s all. And when it’s missing, destruction takes place.
@@HermitLady
Are you speaking in terms of validation to a degree?
I dont know much or experienced it
Oh my goodness
You just described me - I’m a 57 yr old who has had a lifetime of issues.
Thank you
I am turning 50 this year, and I can subscribe to basically all of those behaviors, people-pleasing, hyper-vigilance...yep, but finally, slowly getting over that.
But keep in mind many of these traits are societal too
I’m 41, I’m recently earning too. I’ve he’s to after getting into so many problems out of people pleasing and self doubt. 😞
Same here… I’m 67…
Ikr? It does affect one for all of their lives... Couldn't figure out why... Good to know, now.. finally
The common theme = nothing you do is good enough. No matter how you are is not good enough.
Devastating as a child let alone adult.
I was criticized every day.
@@ANGELSVEN I was too. I still feel like nothings good enough
I told my sister the same thing. I tried and tried. She's living with me at 80 years old. Nobody else wants her. My sister put her out last year. Nothing has changed. I'm putting her in a nursing home soon. I can't handle this. I feel like a child in my own house. She hates that I have boundaries now. Hates it!!!!! My husband loves her but he wants her out. He doesn't like the affect she has on me. He said my attitude and behavior changes.
@@Female_wallace_and_gromit **I fight that feeling, too...that I'm not good enough and I don't deserve this or that or down time, etc.
@@ANGELSVEN I hope you have friends that make you feel how you deserve to feel. I don't know you but I'll bet you're a wonderful person as much as parents promise us the world they don't always make us feel that way. They make us doubt ourselves even when we're right
This topic is important. Not many people are discussing Narcissistic parents and how they damage the family. Thank you
There is a site called Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents on line. It’s great, free, lots of information and opportunity to ask questions about own situation. Check it out if you need it.
A LOT of people is discussing it now. By the grace of GOD. They weren't discussing it years ago. That is why the abuse, dysfunction, and toxic patterns and cycles were able to continue.
I fear that it’s a common feature of people from the 20th century that is normalized, and people don’t notice or they romanticize it. I think narcissistic parenting styles has been encouraged up until recently. Millennials are going nuts and it’s waking people up. These poor younger generations come from generations of traumatized vampires, it’s no wonder they’re “soft” and dependent. But luckily people are starting to become aware, and hopefully we’re seeing a correction begin.
I come from a narcissistic father/family but instead of being submissive I just rebelled - too much - and was a bull in a China shop in society for like 20 years. Huge ego, mad at the world, identity issues, high anxiety, alcoholism. But now I know why and have peace, and I know exactly how NOT to parent. I know how to respect kids as their own individuals, support them in their interests, make them feel safe and self-secure, foster their strengths and love them unconditionally and guide them around dangers as they do their own thing. I’m 30 and not a father yet but I’d like to be one day.
I am so glad I found out about all the other people who suffered with a narcissist parent. I thought it was only me. Thank God we all survived!!!
It is very necessary.
*By the time you figure out the rules of the game, it's too late to play!*
You can't and don't want to play with a narcissist. Dissociating yourself from them is the only way
Yep complete and utter life destruction, and society just goes...what are you talking about? Oh well...!!!
There are no rules, they are constantly shape shifting and move the bar. Part of the problem of the chaos and mayhem they create is a lack of healthy rules and consistency.
Yes I’m turning 70 in a month or so yet I’m only learning these last few years how much I was cheated out of..way too late in my case.
@@kathyinwonderlandl.a.8934 Never too late to be kind to yourself and close out hurtful people.
My tummy hurts as i watch this. My abuse history growing up was manifold.
My tummy hurts too
Big hug to you. Because I know you didn’t get enough hugs back in the day. Ask me how I know…
Like corepathway said, here's a virtual hug 🌷
@@joanfinch7992 ❤️💔❤️
@@CorePathway thankyou
Yes, why my nursing 'career' only lasted 8 yrs. Always second guessing and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did connect with the patients well but i fell into major depression and never felt validated that i was doing a good job. Was afraid of the doctors/authority figures. Today i work on my own business ventures where i feel i can validate myself and am more in control of the environment.
Wow! This is so interesting...I am also a nurse but left clinical about 7 years ago because I was a very anxious nurse and I never thought to connect how I was feeling with how I was raised. Thank you so much for your comment as you have really given me something to ponder :)
I've always had a problem with authority figures and I am sure this is the reason.
That's the way. Be strong!
Good for you that you figured out alternative career and took the risk to start your own busines! BRAVO!
@@jmdyjs same here, to both (a-brother wasn't a narc, was treated as a golden child but thankfully turned out decent as an adult, a-mum had some narc tendencies but not full blown, but a-dad and his own mother had a lot of narc tendencies).
I am on the autistic spectrum but also have narc trauma and was bullied. I have difficulty picking up social cues yet I am hyper vigilant about negative emotions in others. Makes so much sense now.
God bless you! I grew up with a narcissist and I am parenting two boys with Autism....I admire people on the spectrum. So strong and brave...I wish you all the best in your future and relationships..
I’m also on the spectrum with two autistic sons and a narc mother. I did have a break from her for a while and I did lots and lots of research on all things autism and narcissism although it took me years to realise and accept that she’s narcissistic….I thought for ages that she was borderline. Now (because of chronic fatigue caused by all these issues) I have to live with her!!!😫. She can be nice (hence the confusion) but I am chief entertainment provider…everything revolves around her days out and I can only go out alone unless I’m going somewhere she doesn’t want to go. But what I want to say is that I’ve made a lot of progress and I’d never let any other narcissists into my life because I can spot them very easily. It’s something that sets you off on a self development journey and it can be very tough but ultimately I’m an empathic person and my mum is an empty shell.
Autism is just socially acceptable selfishness. There are rules, follow them. The sun, food, wind and noise exist..cope
He is 100 percent correct about the intuition piece. I met someone at work a little over a year ago and became involved romantically. When we first met, I was so triggered, I was shaky and sad, waking up in the middle of the night crying, stuff like that. My body knew and I ignored it. Never again. I endured alot of uniquely terrible emotional abuse from him that I could have just avoided. Your body is smart! Listen to it! ❤
This is a very smart comment. Thanks for reminding me! Yes the body never forgets. Luckily.
Well said
So true!
I think the worst part of being raised by a narcissist that when you grow up you are most likely to date or marry someone who will treat you the same way and you will accept it.
It has taken a long time but I see the flags now but I definitely have trust issues because of it.
That’s your normal, you don’t know any other way.
Absolutely!
Truth
Or if you date someone who tries to protect you from the parent, the parent will go full crazy against your would be partner
I knew as a child that something about my narcissistic dad was “off” but I didn’t have the language for it; I just knew he wasn’t affectionate and supportive like my friends’ dads. Then I heard the word “narcissist” for the first time. Curious, I looked up the criteria according to the DSM-5, and it was eye-opening. I finally had a word for it, I had the language, and this helped immensely in therapy on my road to recovery. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and I have just about all the traits listed in this video (I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries, still need to work on the people-pleasing). But most importantly, I’m *fighting back* whenever Dad’s narcissistic behavior starts up. The look on his face every time I stand up for myself is priceless.
Common symptoms of adult children of narcisstic parents
0:34 negative self perception - low self esteem and self doubt
1:17 chronic self blame
2:17 difficulty setting boundaries
4:41 emotional challenges - people pleasing, prioritizing needs of others
5:51 hypervigilance- anticipating negative feedback
7:16 emotional disregulation - anxiety, depression anger
8:45 difficulty with trust and intimacy
10:36 positive traits - empathy and compassion
12:00 resilience and strength - tolerate highs and lows
12:34 independence and self reliance
13:52 heightened intuition and sensitivity
Thank you!!
Thanks for this because i don't want to watch the video rn
Thanks for taking notes!
@mimibake2022 I have every one of these 😢.
@@oliviachipperfield6029 keep going! You’re doing great! Look how far you’ve come! You got this girl
I tell myself "it's over, she's dead" but it won't stop. Thank you for making this video
It can take a while, hopefully you will get to feeling more at peace, though.
PTSD
True. I can hear her in my head blaming me for having “an egg sandwich while your brother and sister have nothing”. That was her analogy for guilting me for working hard and succeeding. They really don’t like that.
Same, and I’m sorry. I feel like for me and mine, I’ll have to go on being her daughter for a long time, even after she gets to leave this planet and stop being my mom
same. What helps me is to look at a photograph of myself being 3 years old several times a day and just like myself. Sometimes I ask the photo what would you like to do? What would you like to have right now? And then I try to give it to myself. I feel the painful and repetetive inner dialogue with a narcissistic mother is a neurological pathway that gets more damaging the more often I drive along involuntarily. It can help to notice what is happening to me: Ah, here I go again and to not just be swept over by it unconsciously. And it can slowly be replaced by a loving dialogue with the child I was back then and the person I still am right now in some ways. I wish you the best for your healing journey.
As the oldest child, I got blamed for everything and I still do. I don’t even argue about it now
As the oldest child who was parentified, I also got blamed for everything. My parents would blame me if my siblings would act up saying “they learned it from you, it’s your fault they’re misbehaving” bc I didn’t “parent” my siblings properly as a 9-17 year old child.
No contact and therapy changed my life. i still struggle , but im much better off without them in my life.
I hope you are able to find peace friend, no one deserves to feel the way narcs make their kids feel.
middle child…oldest was golden….my little sister was 5.5 years younger, i was told i should know better when we were both doing something wrong…i grew up to resent her, i’m 66, we finally are forming a friendship…they just brought this golden baby home and i became yesterday’s news…resentment, acting out, told so many cruel things, like diarrhea of thr mouth….my effort to be noticed, last spring my little sister said she didn’t remember being played with, read to, hugged, even just talked to…same experience i had, i was in my own silo trying to survive in this lackof fun, unloving childhood. they didn’t take us on vacations…but once we were gone they traveled the world, and then expected me to listen to the vacation stories.
I was the baby but the only girl. You can imagine the nightmare of being told I had to be just like her but the again, 😢I would never be good enough. It is a horrific way to grow up, the issues from this abuse take us our whole life to resolve. I even became a therapist looking for my answers. Self love and reparenting myself has been my healing
My kid sister would smoke skunks in the house and my mom would threaten me with homelessness. I would never smoke in the house house , I saved it for doing the work around her house. Yet I was blamed. No ironically my mom smokes pot now...
@@cindyolney6543 me too cindy…i’ve been my therapist….my daughter also is my therapist….we have talked it all out, salf love, personal boundaries…just doing this I can see why when things trigger me.
happy to report i haventseen my mother or father in ten years!! whoo. hoo. life is wonderful
congratulations! going no contact with parents can be so difficult & beyond flying monkeys, just well intentioned others who understandably can't comprehend how that can literally be necessary for the well being or even survival of adult children therefore they often question & even invalidate your choice but it's absolutely awesome you've lasted a decade & feel so good about it! 💚 thank you for sharing!
I walked away about the same time and I will second your statement "life is wonderful."
It was so crazy how much better my life got once I went no contact. It's so fantastic these days, I shutter when mommy dearest sends my birthday cards .....
I don't know why she would want to remind me of my birthday.....big dummy!!!
Your parents won't live forever. Don't wait too long. Forgive them, for they know not what they do. ❤
@@mycharieamor shoo flying monkey, shoo! guilt tripping, victim blaming, excuse making, gaslighting nor DARVO tactics are welcome here!
@@mycharieamor shoo flying 🐵! 👋
My mother is a narcissist. She also suffers from PTSD and CPTSD. I strongly believe she has these narcissistic traits as "revenge" on her past and "someone owes her." I told my mother something that was true and provable. She dismissed me, I tried to defend the hurt I felt from her, and she then said, "I was never allowed to be right when I was young. I'm your mother and you have no right to challenge me."
I was 32 at the time, and I was reiterating medical advice her doctor had given me. She couldn't accept that what I was saying was truth.
Narcs can’t hear it. She is doesn’t want to hear it. She is not a part of your healing; don’t even try to involve her.
Omg! This is what people do to me…I call it the curse of Cassandra who was given the gift of prophesy but when she rejected apollo, he cursed her with no one believing her prophecies
I am gifted with Julia being my Helen of Troy.
Yes! One of the most frustrating things is not being able to speak of reality (truth) without being attacked. Truth is so important.
Oh my that whole thing about you must listen to me but I will never listen to you is nightmare fuel. I'm sorry.
I'm 40 years old and only recently started realizing and accepting that my loving mother is in fact a hardcore narcissist, and that her upbringing, though well meant, damaged me forever. I've been trying to heal for the last few years but with very little success.
It's a long road back, but you have an amazing tool set! Children raised by Narc Moms tend to be VERY resilient. (They had to be - their survival depended on it!) Chances are you also developed the gift of empathy, are able to read emotions, and are very independent. Children who live with a narc parent develop keen survival instincts... instincts which become very useful later in life. Yes, we were damaged. But like a broken bone, we heal stronger. Much love to you, my friend.
Kyrgizion: I well remember the day I realized that my mother's treatment of me my entire childhood was Verbal Abuse. I had thought it was Me...because I was told that I was the cause of all the problems in the family! I was almost 50 years old when I came to understand that she had verbally abused me. It was all about her...not me. It isn't easy to get free from parental programing, but by God's grace I believe what He says about me now, and I believe in His love for me and I live now with a quiet heart. I pray you will look to God through His word for your way out of the darkness of lies into the light of truth and life.
Amen!@@yvonneherdman4951
Hi, here is a book I loved and a suggestion for you. By Lindsay C Gibson: Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It was really awesome. She has free articles and videos too. I am rooting for you and send best wishes ✨️
With very little success because of your mindset.
It starts with your language: "damaged me forever" isn't exactly productive as you set the outcome that is opposite of what you need.
I really appreciate that you mentioned the positive traits
Your recognition means a lot to me, thank you!
Agree. Especially when all the narc does is pathologize you. My covert narc mom always had ridiculous assumptions and mental gymnastics about how whatever I did or my goal was something "wrong" with me. Always projected her own flaws and behaviors onto everyone else. I stopped sharing information with her, which of course to her meant I was cold, distant, socially weird, don't care about other people, etc. Zero ability to self-reflect or understand how her behavior affects other people.
It’s amazing how much you can learn about yourself on TH-cam
I know. For a second, I forgot it was a video. It was so on point I thought he was talking directly to me. 🤯
You started make me cry when I heard we were allowed to respect and love ourselves... I am on my way, but still not there... still thinking it is pretentious.
A social worker once told me that I was entitled to a spot under the sun. I could'nt believe my ears an almost felI of my chair. Never knew that, but it changed my way of thinking about my self worth.
@isabelleb.1270 If it's tough to be proud of yourself today, please kindly accept my compliment of being proud of you for being aware & working on it. Look, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and really dumb ones sometimes. No human is immune from bruising the ego! But please know you are so worthy. If you are able to at least treat others how you wish to be treated, you can start there and be proud of yourself. Maybe creating like crafting, painting, idk so many different ways to create, can help you along with working on this. So you can stand back and say I did that!
@@MW-ob3wq Thank you SO much for your very kind words... Kindness is never lost or underrated in my little world ! 🧡✨ Wishing you all the best.
@@janekollmann9167 Almost the same here : when a social worker told me that if I liked Nature so intensely, it was maybe due to the fact that I believed I did not deserve being here !
I show a lot of borderline tendencies. I just have discovered that I spent a lot of my life in total dysregulation. I call it going on autopilot. It's horrible. I am only recovering now that I'm 60. I knew I had CPTSD, but didn't know what to do about it. Watching your explanation is incredibly helpful in seeing all of the conflicting emotions and thoughts that cause paralysis.
I am 59 years old and only in December of 2023, did I finally figure out that my mom is a narcissist. She can never accept responsibility for anything going wrong. I wish that I had known about this years ago. I would have such a better life.
That's what made you you.. but now you have time to do the things you want without anyone criticizing it ❤
I feel you. I just figured it out this past year and I'm 52 years old
Hugs to you
I can totally relate to your situation - and I'm 63!
At 73, I'm with you.
Good for you. I realized my mom was a narc when n my 30s (now 50) before that I just thought that she was completly in lack of boundaries. Then I learned about covert narc and boy that was an eye opener.
Yes, in case u are wondering if someone is narcissistic, pay attention to how they treat your important milestones like graduations, birthdays and getting married etc. They struggle big time because they know they should be happy for u but actually they are seething with anger. Which is so unnatural for a parent to feel and they know that. So they will just smile or be present but they won't actually celebrate or praise you in any way. They will even withhold gifts or money because they are so upset at your progress.
Yeah demons are diabolical and make great actors! I wound up gay from the trauma of being raised with a narcissist mother but anytime I was going through problems she would often go on a trip and avoid dealing and leave me with the stepfather. I had my epiphany when my mother told me that the gay man she had introduced me to on a luncheon date hadn't liked me and seemed to derive great pleasure in telling me why! Ha ha anyways I haven't seen her in over 10 years and they are the peaceful years.
@discodirk48 yes, a zero on a number line is better than a negative number.
My experience is that my narcissistic parent uses the milestone to show off and preen. Then behind closed doors, they go back to their nasty ways.
@SirenaSpades indeed. My mom would also get pissed of other relatives or friends gave me any praise or gifts. Hard to tell if it's because they loved me more than she did. Or if she's just plain envious of the attention I was getting at the time.
@SirenaSpades
Yeah my dad really did that with my sister. She was the successful one so I didn't get this treatment 😂 He also used his family in general to brag and make himself appear more loved and surrounded by other people than he actually was. Behind closed doors, he didn't actually care about family.
Spot on! I’m 2 years 0 contact with mother. Father died 2020. Let the healing commence! But… single for 4 years. Learning to recognize, break patterns and set boundaries.
YES!!! This is the video that brings me home to myself and a journey made crystal clear. Thank you for your clarity and generosity. My self-esteem has always been based on helping, fixing, giving to others starting with my mother. Then standing alone often depressed, lonely, lost. I pushed away men that would buy me presents and come at me with enthusiasm. I was attacked by a German Shepard while riding my bike at age 12, ran into the house in shock to tell my mother. Her response _ "oh great, now we're going to have trouble with the neighbors!". I eventually lost my voice - "selective mutism" they call it, as I lost myself. A nun took me before the class, shaming me and slapping me when no sound would come out of my mouth. My mother's response "those nuns are saints" and you're doing that on purpose. Forgive me if I go on. You are the first person who has ever "got me". What I struggle with now is my mother's repeated phrase, "don't ask me for anything!". Plus, I am always looking for people or pets to help, fix, nurture. So, the formula I hear is give "empathy and compassion" to myself.
That suddenly makes me cry. How to do it? I've wasted so many years wandering emotionally.
The good news is I have connected with one human being here who can effectively guide me out of
this lonely life.
I am sorry you went through that and am glad you have found somerone to support you now.
@@youtubeuserthinker do you really think this correction of her statement was helpful to this connenter , given the topic??
@progressivedragon6664 It came from a place of concern and care, actually, and was definitely NOT a correction, in any way, and was intended to be supportive. When I re-read, I thought I had probably misinterpreted the OP's meaning. I don't do 'correction' of others. I don't feel your 'correction' of my comment was helpful when my intentions were kind.
😢 WOW! There are so many children that have been neglected and poorly treated with no concern. Parents are supposed to love, nurture, and teach their children to be empathic, caring and compassionate adults. Instead many people have grown up with narcissistic people who can't even begin to see or understand what they are doing to their children, not to mention the broken adults they become. It's so sad. Not everyone are ment to be parents. God bless all those who have gone through this neglectful upbringing. It breaks my heart 😢
I’m 19yr and I still have a Father who says he doesn’t want to believe he’s the problem but the support of my life even when I lost my birth mother since 3yrs old, he physically punished me, mentally and emotionally abused me and now for the past few weeks I lost my stepmother, I still want him to open his eyes and see that he is still hurting me even though all those years I have been suffering from pleasing him, forgive him and I’m F@&KING SICK OF HIM, that I don’t care what happens to him anymore!!!
P.S I apologize for my language.
i'm so sorry for your experience 💚 your language is completely understandable imo as you absolutely *deserve* your desired recognition, validation & resolution of the mistreatment but unfortunately (as you appear to already recognize) that's *highly* unlikely to happen no matter what you do
at least glad you're realizing these things as young as you have so you have more time to create & enjoy your own life worth living full of people who will actually respect & support you rather than continuing to invest so much in someone so unwilling to reciprocate. congratulations on making it this far & best wishes moving forward 🌈
Narcissists can’t see it. It’s part of the disorder that they aren’t capable of much self awareness, incapable of learning from consequences. You will Never get this. You have to stop wanting it. Let him prove to you he’s a narc and let that be enough. You are enough without his validation.
@@r_and_a So much pain . . . now that you see the picture clearly, you can put distance between you and your "father". Reach out to those who will appreciate your uniqueness and lift you up. I'm glad you found Dr. Fox. He's like the good father we
wish we had.
At 19, I left with little support and forged my life. It is not easy but you will find those that love and appreciate you for who you are. Those people are gems. I pray you find the right path to your peace.
You don’t owe him anything. ❤️
Yep, that's me! Dr fox, I had a scary occurrence this evening. I left work early because it was snowing, and nearly had a head-on collision with an oncoming car. We scraped each other's sides at about 50 kph, and she got scratched and my side mirror was broken . I thought I was about to bite the big one, and I didn't want to go. I still have things to do! It made me think maybe I'm trying too hard in life. I should not have gone to work at all today. I should have checked the forecast. How sad and what a waste if my life was lost due to stupid snow, due to trying to measure up, trying to make enough money to be worthy and to not be deemed a failure period to prove to my aunt that I'm working hard enough. But it's not worth it. My child needs a mother. That was a brush with death tonight.
This is me. I'm blamed by parents for all of their own issues that have nothing to do with me, constant criticism, nothing I do is ever good enough. No stable relationships, friendships are not supportive, no life partner. Middle-aged now, too late to build a life now. At this point I don't believe anyone would want me or that I can rely on anyone new.
it is never too late. Find what your true passion or purpose is by using mediation lie Vision Walk and do it may be in an experiential transformative holiday away. It changed my life.
Not too late. Live the life you have left.
"When will I be made to feel small?" As soon as you feel good about yourself. I think my mother had a homing device that let her know the second I started feeling okay about myself. She trained my siblings to do the same thing. It's so automatic they don't even realize they're doing it. i have extremely limited contact with them.
Exactly. After my mom died my sister stepped up to the role of chief narcissist. Like the wicked witch of the west was worse than her dead sister, my sister was worse than my mother.
Sounds like my mother. It truly suck.
This is an Inheritance from hell! Mother did not die/ sister got possessed!
@@chrisnstarright!! What’s with the way they step into the role? Have they been waiting for it like a promotion? I seriously can’t figure it out.
I'm so sorry you went through that! I think that is the worst thing that they do: turning others against us. Wishing you infinite love and gratitude!
They NEVER change.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Never ... do not hope or wait for it.
Put your precious energy into your precious self❤️🙏🏼❤️
Petting the narcissist is the fourth “ F” in the trauma response, Flight, Fight, Freeze or Fawn.
There's a fifth F of four letters that comes into play as an adult, too, that nobody really discusses when dealing with a partner or other relationship where that can come into play.
We even feel guilty to be alive. What a long way to get rid of those horrible feelings...
100%
She makes sure to let me know I'm "so lucky & spoiled" all the time.
Existential guilt. "You owe me your life!" Guilted and shamed for having wants and needs. No sovereign rights, only grudgingly observed in public to keep up appearances in front of other adults. I wont be going to my "mothers" funeral.
I have found that my parents were not born wanting to harm or hurt their children. They are human beings with flaws. I have come to forgive those flaws. It felt to me they themselves are the broken ones. I am a survivor and am stronger because of their flaws.
We all have to use radical acceptance in order to look at our parents, but also many other people in our life. I applaud you for the insight.
Love the sinner hate the sin.
I have a parent who is a narcissist and my husband is one too. He’s a covert narcissist so I didn’t see it until I became a different person bc of his abusive behavior and I received help for counseling and from God.
A lot of people forget this.
Intentional by my mother and three narcissistic sisters and older brother..they called me a whore at age 16 but they lied about me my whole life..jealousy and being different from them..
I was always made to feel like i was a monster from the smallest mistakes. Anything I did, wasn’t good enough to earn back her “love”.
when I was younger, there were no resources on this topic. it was so hard to find a therapist suited to deal with this so thank you.
My heart goes out to others who have been through this.
My father beat me a bit too often on top screaming at me regularly. It took me quite some years/decades to learn to set boundaries, to not curse the world, and to care and to have faith in the good. It’s difficult to quit the blaming game and to focus on making things a bit better, but definitely doable.
Keep up the good work. You're very wise and I am sorry you were treated so badly. Sending love
It’s about taking full responsibility.
It's even worse when you have narcissistic siblings who are exactly like the narcissistic and abusive mother and grandmother. This was my childhood and teenage years, and it was Hell on Earth. Thank God Im the total opposite of their vileness.
Omg same..my grandma and mother are both narcissistic and emotional abusers lately my sister is becoming just like them
@@farzanatarana4876 , I'm thinking it's a combination of genetics and environment. And just their innate, nasty souls.
I don’t know anyone else who has had this experience. My mom & sister are narcissistic beyond belief. I have two other sisters, who make excuses for my mom & sister. No one other than me & my dear friends (who have met them) acknowledges they’re narcissistic. Despite witnessing some awful emotional abuse, even my extended family says nothing. It’s like living in the twilight zone. I’m so sorry you’ve had the same experience. It’s so lonely & disorienting. Take care. 💕
@@lizg.8626 , it was awful growing up in that environment. Luckily my dad was the buffer to that toxicity. He could be firm and even hard at times, but at least he encouraged me to seek my own direction in life and just to be myself. My brother, who was kind of in the middle of these toxic and dysfunctional dynamics was ultimately swaded by my mother and sisters Narcissism and toxicity. He is now deceased, bad health, bad diet and was too caught up in their vileness.
My my parents and grandparents are now deceased, so it's just me and the narcissistic, toxic sister. She still defends the toxic and abusive behavior and personality of my mother and grandmother.
@@pigeonhawk4832 wow. Same in my family. My dad was so grounding for me. He was my biggest cheerleader. Unfortunately, he passed away 17 years ago. So, now it’s just my narcissistic mom and sister, and the two other sisters enable them. I’ve done a lot of therapy and the best thing to do is just love them from afar. Don’t share a lot of personal details about your life because it will be exploited by your sister, or you will get demeaning comments. I had to learn over a long period of time that narcissist really don’t care about anyone but themselves.
This is one of the best descriptions of it that I have ever heard. It isn't just a list of traits. It's background information and encouragement to be strong enough to stand up instead of being knocked down. Well done.
Thank you for explaining my life. Dr. Fox. I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents (dx by a psychiatrist). Can finally muster some self-compassion for the anguish i endured as a child and my poor choices in choosing romantic partners in adulthood.
The empathy, intuition, sensitivity, and resilience are lasting gifts i intend to put to good use. Thanks again. A lifesaver. ❤
Yes the gifts of empathy and sensitivity etc is the positive outcome
I have that too but sadly still sad and confused deep down and inside from childhood trauma
Also just a question do 2 narcissists parents get on or do they clash both being strong willed and wanting things under their control???
@@MissG8340 Please be gentle with yourself and allow all.the time needed to heal. One of the best youtube comments that helped me i will pass along to you. "Get it together and find your worth."
I do not know in general if 2 narcissists who marry each other get along. My mother was grandiose. She called the shots. My father was covert (vulnerable). He undermined her efforts via passive aggressive tactics that were subtle, sly, and cruel. They divorced after 32 years of wedded misery.
Good luck, you can rise and shine.
@@victoriam2894 hi Victoria
Thank you for your reply
I try to be kind to myself but all those thoughts of your not good enough, why are you stupid that I was bought up to think about myself criticise myself over and over
It’s like I’m just stuck in a rut where I know im worthy and have value and am aware I was treated badly and wrongly growing up but also I just don’t no how to move forward
It’s just trying to have the strength and confidence to be independent and move forward with my life
My upbringing was with a dominant narcissist father who controlled every move we made made us feel worthless and disabled us in such a way we were made to feel we couldnt survive without him and also that we owed him our life as he felt he was God and everything that happened was because of him
@@MissG8340 yes, I believe I understand. These discouraging thoughts get implanted when you are small. They get stuck and keep looping in the mind until they seem true. Except they are not the truth. They are your father's lies. To feel better you must decide to leave him behind. It is hard. You are worth it.
Thank you ❤
Yes its exactly that, the mindless loop that just goes round and round and round and believes all the negative thoughts inputted by my narc father
It’s terrible I trusted him so I feel stupid for believing him growing up but at the same time your parents are the first ppl you trust 😢
It’s so hard I’m lonely 😞 and although sociable no one would ever understand what I go through
It feels like the world is strong but me
I was stupid to believe everything and even 42 years later seeing that it’s wrong find it hard to tell my mind that
I know think my narc father was prob intimidated by my potential to be successful to be strong to be something in life so he put me down and made sure I never had a chance 😢
I am stunned!
You are 100% correct.
I so needed it, because oftentimes I just blame myself. It was like that from early childhood.
To make the matters worse, the narcissistic mother keeps saying that if I feel guilt it means I must be guilty.
Oh my word, I can hear my mom's voice saying this, whether it's a true memory that she ever did say so or not.
This man just told my life story!! Wow
Ditto ❤
Glad you found the video helpful.
9:23 This really impacted me deeply and the worst part is in my african culture if you are a kid they dismiss your feelings entirely till you reach an age where it can get difficult with laws etc. I always wanted to feel seen when i was a little child I wanted them to consider me and my feelings and not being treated like a burden. I never understood why they were so mad and always blame me infront of other acquaintances or people and threatened me. I forgave them a long time ago even now when I am in my adulthood they changed a lot yet it doesn’t dismiss what I went through and how I subconsciously react and cope with life. I feel shameful all the time and in alert
Love this video! For me, self compassion has been the biggest game changer. So many things fall into place when you can actually start to value yourself. Setting boundaries is getting easier. It used to feel like I was walking into a black hole.
I'm so glad to hear that self-compassion has made such a positive difference for you!
Yep. Narcissists will get so upset when you "call them out", point out their behavior. It shatters their self-centered, warped reality of themself as entitled. Welcome the space she puts between you. You deserve better.
I was voted friendliest girl in my small all girl high school. When I came home I told my mom, she said
“if they knew what a phony you are they’d never vote you that “!
How awful!
She couldn't stand for anyone else to give you positive feedback. It conflicts with the negative, shame filled narrative she is trying to foist on your self-worth.
@@nancymorris3286
Poor girl was jealous of anyone who had any kind of relationship with dad, even his own mother.
i am so sorry this happened to you!!!! I have always been a kind person and seemed to be liked by people and when my mother would hear how someone liked me, she would say "they don't know you" i know how this hurts.
@@bsinsight3097
Hugs my friend 🤗
Somehow I think it made me more compassionate, you know?
I’m one of those. Mom and sister. Double whammy. Very good synopsis.
My narcissistic "parents" tried to create this self-blame etc in me but I was always very objective. I knew by 5 years old that I was with seriously disturbed people. And by 12 yrs old I was like F you! I'm doing what I want, not staying here with your craziness!
omg i wish i didnt take till age 30 to get to that point...
So strong of you well done
Fifty years after the fact, I discover from my narc mother that when I was 5 years old there was a mother/child tea put on by the school for the first day. The kids went off to class, leaving the mothers with their tea party. Well, apparently I dashed off with the other kids, happy as a clam. Fifty years later she confronts me "AND YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED BACK!" Major narc injury. My older sister kicked up such a fuss my mom had to sit in with her for the first few days of classes. Mom refused to give us independence. (My sister stayed living with Mom until Mom's death in her 90s)
Yes, I look back on it, and at every stage of my growth, my narcissistic mother tried so hard to sabotage me. :( I'm amazed that I pushed through to finish post-graduate school and have a successful career. I think my only saving grace is I never went back after I graduated from high school, and just kept moving farther and farther away...... I didn't even invite my parents to my wedding, because my dad said, "I don't want to meet your boyfriends anymore." Plus I was a student, and working when we got married. We couldn't afford it. I realize now, my parents crashed my elopement. My mother hates my husband, because he had NORMAL parents. He can see through her and doesn't put up with her bizarre manipulation. He was so patient with me as I navigated understanding the sociopathy my mother displayed all my life. I am sure my mother thinks my husband "stole" me from her. But I am not a possession. I don't belong to her. I don't belong to my husband. I have free will, and she absolutely HATES that. As she ages, and has started developing dementia, she has gotten more and more paranoid and MEANER to the point that she wanted control over my bank account. CREEPY. I never thought she would have devolved to this point. So many delusional behaviors.
@@mvbigmagic4048 I didn't invite my father to my wedding, college graduation, and I avoid him at all costs.
Wow. Brilliant insight.
I’m wondering if there are others with narc.mothers who don’t listen? I have to tell her things, especially when it comes to things about myself, over and over again. They never register. It’s like she nods her head but she’s not listening?
@airthrowDBT Well, this is what is so strange… the fact that she never talks about the past! It’s as if we didn’t exist as a family. My Mom was a single Mom and so checked out and so overwhelmed and was far too busy trying to find a man and had many boyfriends. I think she doesn’t know what to say because she probably doesn’t even remember what any of us went through because she wasn’t paying attention. As the middle child and sensitive one, (oddball in my family), I finally rebelled when I became a teenager after so many new schools and moves, and I just learned that it’s not uncommon for the narcissist to not put up with anything. And she sure did not! I got kicked out several times for not coming home some nights. I was on my own in my own apartment with my boyfriend at 17. It was a hard life and she sure didn’t make anything easy for me. I’m finally here at 60 and my two kids are grown and wonderful people, who know all about my family dysfunction and they are thankful that I am their Mom. I raised them and they were my world and perhaps I went to the other extreme, but I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to right all the wrongs that were done to me. They were brought up in the same house for their whole life, (unlike myself moving constantly), my husband and I were together (and are still together 31 years now), and brought them up to know the Lord as that has given my life the meaning and peace that I had wanted for so many years. My daughter is married already and my son will be a Physicist in one more year. Life is good! Ps I just got done spending my Mom’s 81st birthday with her and my sister and it took me awhile to get back to feeling myself after that. I’ve been watching these videos for validation that it’s not me! She wants to make it an annual thing that we meet up in the Keyes at my sister’s. Lord help me! 😜
My mother is a Narcissist, I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female. I am the oldest of five children my parents had. Jesus is our hope. I been a Christian for over 11 years now. God is Love. I know my worth and values.
You are so right. Jesus is the one who saves and redeems. If we allow it, he will heal all our wounds. For some it’s instant, for others it’s a process. I’m in the process. A lifetime of bad programming is being adjusted, from unhealthy to healthy.
Amen❤
You just described both my late parents especially my mother
The way he laid out how it shapes your personality throughout your life was spot on. Just found this channel. Really looking forward to learning more and finally healing.
A plea to spouses of narcissitic parents: Get them away from your kids! My Dad was great and any strengths I have resemble those of a girl raised by an only Dad. But they’re overshadowed by the emotional damage caused by my mother. I would have been far better off with no mother at all.
Great breakdown of narcisstic abuse. Took me 40 years to realize that this video was my childhood and my family. Felt like you were talking about me specifically
My mom (83) still does it to me (53)
Me too 53, 88 yr old mom a d I'm her main caretaker. I can't stand her but I've set my boundaries and try to do my best without getting triggered.
i hope both of you commenting are being sure to prioritize your self care 💚 there are lots of groups & communities online who can understand & help support you while navigating relationships with narcissists you can't or don't want to go full contact with
I went NO CONTACT. Best decision I made for my mind and mental health.
They never stop. They also think they are still that young beautiful creature who is always better than the next... They are sick in their mind.
why do you even talk to her?
Wow! You hit the nail on the head. Never have I ever heard such an accurate description of what I was feeling inside. I can’t thank you enough. I saved this video so I can watch it again and again. You explained pretty much every character trait I have, and how that became part of my personality. I am absolutely amazed. I am determined to heal, grow and change my behaviors. This is the video I needed at the exact moment in time that I am ready to receive it. Thank you so much. I wish I could’ve heard these words many years ago.
I relate to alll of this! I have been learning boundaries, self-respect & esteem, but I'm 61 yrs old, & after being the scapegoat of a narc mom, I married a narc. I'm grieving so many lost yrs. It helps to be validated by videos like yours. I appreciate you pointing out the positives. Through my faith, & much counsel, I am so much healthier. This video is 1 of the most comprehensive, accurate, & balanced videos I've seen about what we experience, how we function, & what we need to do. Thank you
Wow. I relate to most of these. This video really resonated with me. Thanks Dr. Fox.
I realised I was giving my parents empathy and validation, compassion and understanding. Not triggering their sore spots, I thought they loved me, then I woke up! To who they are what they've done and what they're about! They're selfish, inconsistent, cruel, thoughtless, angry, contemptuous, disdainful, moody, incapable, manipulative, bullying, secretive, demanding, closed minded and messed my whole life up. Once you wake up, the reality is stark
I’m happy you’re here now go live a unfettered life☺️❤️
Thank you Mary, I wish I could. I didn't wake up until I got seriously ill, now I'm stuck living close by. I'm working on it though. Getting ill is how I saw it all in technicolour, very painful. All the very best to you 👋✌
@@bereal6590
Some of the most tender hearted folks have had terrible experiences in their lives!
Sending upLifting comfort and love, my friend!
@@maryjohammons8905 thank you Mary, I needed that today. The same back to you, and your kindness 🤗
@@bereal6590
May you continue to heal and leave behind this chapter of your life! Whatever mistreatment you experienced may it only be a distant memory 😎✌️😘
This is very accurate. I always liked the analogy that a narcissistic parent has an "ownership mentality". Boundaries don't matter, because you are their "property". I still have stress nightmares at the age of 53. Fiercely independent is spot on accurate. I had hip surgery and it was very difficult for me having to rely on people. Of course the narcissistic parent was all over it when I was at my weakest and attempted to get me to move in with them. Yes, you see everyone with that same hidden agenda. You really have to try hard to give people a chance.
This resonates 💯 I wish we could push a button & make all of the hurt go away.
Astounding. You summarized my entire life in five minutes.
I’ll be 34 in August and I actually grew up with a covert narcissistic mother. I see SO much of this in me. To make matters worse, I went straight into an 8 year prison/slavery to a narc “best friend”. I am now (as of yesterday) a year free. Freedom is possible, but it’s been a damn long journey!!
Thank you for sharing your journey. It's inspiring to see how far you've come.
One of the most shocking yet obvious things I realized. I'm 26 and despite doing well financially for most of my twenties I still feel like a teenager lol. It’s as if I got stunted somewhere down the line
Something very interesting I'm getting from this, as a person with a - depending which therapist of mine you ask, either narcissistic or a histrionic mother - & a father who is deeply traumatised, autistic & emotionally immature. Both of my parents have essentially the same behaviours & traits.
They're both so unpredictable, require a hell of a lot of coddling & pleasing, required me to parent them & regulate their emotions, required for me to pre-empt their needs & meet them etc. I was often blown away by their immaturity & realised the irony of that, even at a very very young age.
I think my narc mum preyed on my autistic dad & it's interesting how both of them ended up with the same traits. The main difference was my mother was intentionally cruel & hated being a mum. My dad was an explosively angry man who couldn't control his rage & didn't take responsibility for his emotions & we all suffered, but his intention was never to be cruel.
Two different people, similar traits.
Jeepers; you just summed up my experience too; i often wondered if my dad was on autistic spectrum; he was kind but also had explosive rage moments that were likely brought on by narcissistic mom’s manipulations; it’s so crazy making isn’t it.
This is such a great video. Thank you, Dr. Fox. 😊
My parents didn't seem like they were narcissistic yet I have a lot of these symptoms. They were emotionally neglectful but no overt abuse.
You might want to check out vulnerable narcissism.
Neglect, being dismissive, gas lighting... these are emotionally abusive
I am in the exact same situation!
It's worth considering that one or both of them could be on the spectrum. There's a lot of talk about narcissism currently, but there are many autism traits that mirror narcissism also. There has only recently been more medical and scientific focus on autism. It just wasn't considered 40+ yrs ago unless it was a severely autistic male. I'm 44 and dealing with and unpacking all this confusion myself. My father is a narcissist, but my mother, who always showed the traits but still was confusing because she also seemed like she cared so much, turns out she is on the spectrum. Her issues stem from not a lack of caring but the actual inability to be able to see others as autonomous beings who think and behave differently than herself. Very unfortunately, people who are on the spectrum who are not aware of it, are highly susceptible to the influence of narcissists, because the narcissist easily makes them believe that everyone thinks the same way. So what I have is a narcissistic father and a mother who has been under his mind control her whole lifetime of knowing him, but isn't aware of it, so she has never been able to realize or understand that this dynamic is not normal. And of course, she also outwardly acts just like him. Often times also, just two people who are on the spectrum marry and there isn't narcissism actually going on, but it seems that way especially as you get older and become your own independent person because they don't have a way to understand that you may be legitimately different than them with your own desires, preferences and life goals.
@@TH-camhandlesaresilly I'm pretty sure my Dad was/is that. I have a lot of those traits that it scares me and I wonder if what I'm dealing with is being a narcissist. I have often presented myself as a victim and as vulnerable in order to recieve sympathy because I feel so horrible. My mother om the other hand was really lacking in nurture.
I didn't recieve a verbal "I love you" until I initiated it my 30s. Plenty of cards and letters that ended with, "Love Mom"
I think there was just enough to be able to deny that there was a problem.
That said my parents have acknowledged there was problems. Unfortunately I am left with the baggage of a very lonely childhood.
Thank you for explaining all this. I feel all these things. I’m an only child and my narcissistic mom is aging making me her sole caregiver. The nightmare continues. Trying to set boundaries, gray rock, but hard to heal when I’m still in the thick of it. I feel both permanently damaged, but also a better human as I never wanted to be like her.
I understand what you’re saying, and that is a difficult position. I admire you for doing what you feel is the right thing to do. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for doing what you do and with such compassion. Last summer I told my mom it would be nice if she asked me how I am back sometimes when I ask her how she is. She will always type out a paragraph and never ask about my life, for 10 years. She was so offended by me asking this that she blocked my number and ignored me on our birthday we share. I even apologized and said I wasn't attacking her, I really just wanted to be genuinely closer. She still thinks I'm evil and "dangerous for her mental health" and said horrible things about my dad and brother because they actually love me. I tried for months to make up and eventually asked "do you even want children" and she said "no thanks". That's when I decided to go no contact. That was in mid December so it's only been a couple months. It really sucks because I have sooo much love for her and worry about her all the time, but I know she doesn't feel the same. Sorry for venting, but this is what being an ANP is.
But I will say, as I get older and with going to therapy for a few years and having a sane partner with good parents, I am starting to understand the correct way to think and the correct way to treat others. I was in ignorant bliss until 22, realized parents are supposed to be nice and had a ton of anger for for like 5 years, and now I'm getting to the point I can see it all from a larger perspective and know I deserved better, but to live and enjoy my own life. My spirituality has helped me a lot because I truly believe we reincarnate and we have ancient souls. It helps me believe that I am not just my mother's daughter, my soul existed for many lives before I even met her. It helps me feel like she is not a requirement in my life, I don't need her.
I also feel like I have some of the bad traits my mom has because that is the only person who raised me and my only example. I also am hyper sensitive to criticism like she is, and I understand she is probably just deeply insecure, which makes me sad for her and have sympathy from afar instead of anger. I see her in myself at times, so I understand her, but that scares me sometimes. When you talked about the narcissistic wound, I almost have that but it's a cptsd wound. But I do feel like I have a self-awareness that she doesn't, so I can work at it and be a better person.
I appreciate you opening up and being vulnerable. It takes courage to share personal experiences like this.
I think my son Shane said it best when I was divorcing my narcissistic wife. It's not that she won't Dad , she can't. Don't start to feel sorry for her. Move on and enjoy the good people in your life.
You can stay no contact as you work through separating who you are from who your mother wants you to be 😊 you’re not her mother but your own mother now ❤
I never learnt to put boundaries in my home because they said everything bothered me. I have live in insolation for decades because I don’t want to be abused and be treated like worthless by others. I agree with the video. One thing that I have never lost is my right of autonomy. It was preferred for me stay alone than be controlled. Finally I will start therapy and learn personal boundaries. Now I understand that I don't deserve live in insolation for the rest of my life. Thanks Dr. Fox for all the informative videos!
There 're many of us unfortunately. Sending you all my love 💕
This is so clear that it’s outstanding!!!!! I’d like to see one on adult children of sociopathic parents, and sadistic parents. I just can’t find any good information on it.
As a child and young woman, I always heard that I was unworthy, bad, and stupid. Now I am 54. Nothing changed. I'm still stupid.
Nie, nie jesteś.
Bet you are far from that. Don't believe this. It is ingrained in you now. Forget anything you were told before.
❤
No - you are a survivor. A stupid person could not have learned the survival skills you needed to survive. Sending hugs your way, Dear @annakrajan
My mother had narcissistic parents. Thanks to yours and others' videos I now begin to understand what she went through. What I don't know is how to deal with it/her. She still destroys herself and her health for her parents who aren't even alive anymore. She can't say no, she always has to function, being sick or not available is not an option. Other people take advantage of her. She feels she has to please everybody.. I see all this and I feel I can't do anything about it. I hate what my grandparents did to her. 😕
At 56 about to start a long journey of healing and learning to set boundaries. Thank you for the encouragement
Thanks for your educational experience and resources, and support. I'm looking forward to listening to this topic because I would like to better understand how narcissism effects children that have grown up in an environment that involves covert narcissism and the human behavior and development that takes place in becoming an adult. God-bless.
You are a excellent Doctor,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Thank you David in lreland Europe
Thank you for your videos Dr Fox, always appreciated
I’m damaged beyond repair. I forgive but my identity was never lost because it was never allowed to develop in the first place. I’ll never know anything but guilt and people pleasing. I’ll never know what boundaries are like. I’ll never know what kind of person I could have been. I will die oppressed and beaten down. No matter how hard I try to overcome the need to isolate from people and insecurities, I’m stuck with these traits. Thanks Mom. I love you anyway.
I understand you. I too need so much real help.
I relate to your comment completely. I don’t even know who I am and at my age it’s too late to know.
I have two narcissistic parents and I’m BPD & OCD. Moving 2,000 miles away and going no contact has been essential to my healing.
Thank you for sharing your journey! It takes a lot of courage to prioritize your well-being, and I'm glad to hear that it's making a difference for you.
Wow! I think I have watched 100s of hours of youtube on narcissism and this is the clearest one I have seen re growing up with a narcissistic parent. It explains my childhood/adult paradigms so clearly. Never lose heart. When you have dealt with the negative effects of having a narcissistic parent and you trust your intuition 100%, your empathy and sensitivity towards others is a very powerful force which allows you stride through life with grace. Nice one Daniel 👍
Im always amazed at the courageous people who share their experience in comments. You are amazing! ❤
This opened my eyes to a degree, everything makes sense now. Thank you for the explanations.
All this time I thought I was the one who was always at fault, always to blame for every little thing, when mom was the issue all along.
I gave up keeping a diary when I was a teen because she'd enter my room and read it all, then confront me about whatever I was writing: my crushes rejecting me, my school struggles (I have ADHD, but didn't know at the time because she wouldn't give me any financial support to go to any doctor except the GP), the way I was bullied at school, and somehow she made it sound it was my fault for all of this. If I would write about the little accomplishments I made, she would make it sound unimportant and say that I haven't won the Nobel prize or something. Everything I did, even in my adulthood, it was somehow always wrong in her eyes. The moments when she made me feel loved and accepted were very few. I'd blame myself and drown in sorrow and despair, asking myself why I am unable to do anything right, even tried to unalive myself a few times because of this. Luckily it didn't come to that.
She wouldn't let me go anywhere either, wouldn't let me have friends, or a social life. She liked to micromanage every bit of my life. Fortunately I found a job in another city, so it suddenly got easier for me to distance from her and get some help, as people kept telling me what she does is not normal and I am not to blame.
I cut contact with her two months ago when the pressure and toxicity from her became unbearable, and though it broke my heart to stop the contact, I feel so much better ever since. I love her, but I can't be near her.
After that childhood, when you fall in love, you want to give love a chance and give your pleasing devoted best. You repeat that a few times, in a society where narcissistic people look for you. You repeat the bad experiences over and over, pleasing some idiots, until you find the window out, through the same skills they have, of retaliation directed back towards them, by quietly studying their narcissistic behavior. You switch to their rules, giving yourself new permission to be verbally, brutally logical, cold, business-like, non-caring, distrusting, critical, non-forgiving and with a hateful cold flame, which only you, yourself control. They have no effect on your emotions, even when they tell you that they have slept with your best friend, in order to isolate you. Then telling them to get gone, you begin a life again. Distrust, but more wisdom, gets you to a point where can cut off the wrong people quicker and have a decent life. You save you, with self-love. You experience a happy ending and a new beginning to live, however you want. Freedom is a breath of sweet air, compared to a prison cell, with a person whose heart is chained to a narcissistic soul.
Thank you, my kindred spirit.
Spot on.
thank you, dr. fox. i was in a (2) yr. relationship with an extreme narcisst and finally left him. Took (7) yrs. to get over him so awful. love bombing, LIES, safety, endless CHEATING & LIES, then safety in the extreme, then MORE DECEITS it went on and on. SO awful. Never again. Now I find myself close, in a manner of speaking (NOT intimate) with another Narcisst almost as bad as the 1st one. Been binge watching Narcisst traits videos. Yours is the very best. Not the screaming, freaking out interpreters but calm and useful for me. Thank you. It's not their fault at all. BUt I cannot go through or live through another Narcisst. As an adult child of child abuse and torture, I cannot open up to a 2nd Narcisst. I need to remain safe inside my isolationist cocoon where things are calm and safe most of the time for me and the litte broken inner child that I care for. Thank you for helping with this dilemma and making things more clear for me and my inner child.
You describe me exactly-the worst and best. For some reason I sought out therapy as soon as I could in college. When others were buying cars, I was paying for therapy instead, back in the day before narcissism was discovered. I’m 74 and I’ve had a great life and I’m very strong, even though I had to develop my own self-esteem from scratch, and learn to trust myself and protect myself. I married late and only had time for one child, having dodged many hurtful relationships. But, there’s always a part of me that never feels loved.
Glad you found the video helpful.
This is one of the best videos I have ever watched. It’s informational and well-explained.