I don't believe in best friends anymore. I used to have BFF's until they either hurt me or moved away and started living their own lives. People change and people forget about each other. I'm tired of being hurt by trying to cling to just 1 person as my BFF. I'd much rather expand my horizons and make different kinds of friends to fill the rooms in my "friendship house".
Yes, Lady B. Simple...but deep. Deep connection with others require that we jump in deep...deep into the landscape of their lives. We can't just wave to them (our real friends) from a helicopter or peek out of the curtains from our home across the street now and then. The "frienemies" are too envious of their "friends" tomatoes and lovely garden, too resentful of another's joy.
I would have gone ahead and looked at the tomatoes and tried to hide the fact that I really friggin' didn't want to see the tomatoes. More to the point, I would not have said to a friend, "Let's go look at my tomatoes," because that sounds like a boring activity to suggest to a friend. Home gardening is generally a solitary activity that pleases the gardener, but if someone isn't already interested in gardening, they're not going to give a s---.
Thank you for sharing that! I can relate 100%, I have questioned, analyzed this topic and have had very sad times because of it, and been in situations that intuitively where not for me, but when you are not taught how to Love yourself, like walking, talking etc. You seek love outside of yourself, and it can be self costly, but unhealthy girlfriends and men, have brought me one day at a time to recovery,to learn what loving myself and enjoying my own company and myself, make healthy choice with my friendships,and if I am alone, I do not feel alone, I take care of my soul,the void is no longer there, Codependancy is deadly, and many people suffer in silence, act out in addiction, get very sick. Thank you for all your voices!
I'm with you. "Friends" only last a while anyways and it's not worth your precious time. Just be your own best friend. I have a lot of acquaintances. That way I'm socializing but more on just one level. People can be invasive towards your choices in life, I don't need or care about others opinions of my life. That's were it goes sour, when I give them love and friendship, and they give me judgements. I gave plenty of people a shot at it when I was younger, every person burned me. Now I'll be friendly... but not your best friend, and that's OK.
friendship never lasts its a temporary situation if everyone was the same we wouldn't fight so much and compromise but the world doesn't work like that
It seems everyone is having difficulty finding genuine people like themselves. So if everyone thinks they are genuine, why are we not able to find genuine people?
maybe because we are not willing to be vulnerable enough to show our genuine self. So we end up projecting an image of us that we want people to see. We become friends with people who are alike, so as long as we present that version of ourself, that's the kind of people we will attract?
Her long-time friend was incredibly rude. If I'm visiting someone and staying in their home--even if we're NOT close friends--I'll go look at their tomatoes, their stamp collection, their family albums, their motorcycle, whatever they want to show me, first because that's the polite thing to do when you are a guest, but second because I'm interested in people's hobbies and what brings them joy and I like being exposed to new things. The problem I've discovered is that while I may be that way, others don't necessarily extend the same interest to me, and so the relationship becomes completely one-sided. So now I pay more attention to whether people show reciprocal interest in me, and if they do, I cultivate those relationships. The others are easy to let go, I'm finding--because generally, people who are not interested in and caring about others, aren't particularly interesting themselves.
Not necessarily. They might be too shy to show their interest or care, but are actually interested and care. Some people have a hard time communicating with others because of anxiety or other things. it doesn't mean they are bad, uninteresting people. They just need to learn to be comfortable around others. You can never tell what is going through the other person's head or what they are personally going through, so your assumptions about them are often inaccurate. This misunderstanding can ruin a possibly long lasting friendship. It takes time for some people to get comfortable around you before they can reveal their own interests and show interest in yours.
Aventrius, I see your point but life is too short to wait for these people to open up. It may never happen as I have noticed in my life. I’m tired of having to go with their flow💕
People might say she is choosy with her friends but that's how life should be. I think this is the right thing to do. Fake friends may scar us so we should be very careful in choosing them. :)
To me, a good friend is someone who prioritises you as much as you prioritise them. Our priorities change over time and I find this hardest to come to terms with. It is heartbreaking to know that you are no longer a priority to your friend. You know it when they seem more reluctant to be with you, or that they are always late for appointments, or that they don't seem interested in the things you say anymore. It never happens overnight but gradually over months or years. I've known a friend for years and I felt I could tell her everything. But one day she stopped picking up my calls when I asked, or even begged for her help. I was about to undergo a significant surgery and I needed to see her just once before the operation to gain some courage. But she went completely radio silent for several months. The surgery was tough... but it was made tougher having to re-evaluate our friendship. I decided to call it off. I still don't understand what happened till this day. She never apologised because I guess she didn't think she has done anything wrong. She simply said, "I had other more important things to do than to be with you." It was then I realised that it was me who has misplaced my affection for her. I then started to wonder for how long have I been involved in this one-sided relationship and why haven't I seen it sooner? I learned a lot from this experience and eventually moved on. Then I bumped into her again at a cafe several months ago and we greeted each other the way we normally would. She spoke to me as if nothing had happened except now I find myself feeling so uninterested in the things she said. I also almost did not recognize her because she has put on so much weight! I faked a phone call and excused myself from the conversation before leaving the cafe. Lol. What would you have done if you were me?
I think it is self centred to say only allow ppl in who brings us joy. People may change briefly as they may have their struggles with health and such .
I find that quality friends are extremely hard to find. I have none. My mother is one of the best, but has numerous shortcomings that I have to deal with. Beggars cant always be choosers.
I have a family member like this; if they aren't entertained by your conversation, they will walk away or change the conversation. UGH If you aren't interested in the conversation, that's fine, but remember I'm not here for your entertainment!
I stopped communications with my BFF of 40 years, a few months. No big talk or explanations because it would not do any good. I still think about her all the time. I knew leaving this relationship would be hard that is why It took so long to end it. It got to where I would jump 10 feet when my phone would ring knowing it would be her. If I don't answer her calls she expects me to explain why. Threated to call police to check on me. She expects me to be at her beck and call when she wants to belly ache about everything under the sun but she can't be bothered to help me when I came home to move my father to nursing home. She just could not understand that I was not there to party with her. She really expected me to dump my father in a home, ignore all my family members and spend all my time with her. I new for years she was a toxic person but that was the last straw. she was poisoning me. I hope someday I will truly feel free of her. Next time I go home to visit I wont have to contend with her.
i did too.. at first i didnt realize that she is toxic. i only knew that after i vent out everything to a psychologist. i went to see the psychologist because i dont know who to tell to, that 'friend' of mine didnt listen to me, its always me who listen to her. after realize that, i left, without explanation. @ophelia , after letting go, how do you manage? im still thinking of that toxic friend of mine, everything she said, what shes done. i cant get it out of my mind. how do you do it?
Oh my God, this is almost exactly what happened to me and my best friend of 25 years! I can totally relate to everything she says... and here I had been thinking I was the only one!
Amazing video... I'm thankful to my non-lasting friends bcoz they've made me understand things I don't want in my life. Friendship is worthy of care, time n efforts, don't offer it to people who don't understand it's value. Better to be alone than in bad company.
I used to have a frenemy. She talked a lot about herself and her stories. All conversation we had evolved around her life, and when I started to share my things she interrupted and came back to her things. It was annoying and made me feel down. I didn't remember why I had kept this relationship for 8 years or so. I dumped her after several times that she and I had broken up and reconnected. Thanks to your speech for reminding me of lots of things which are seemingly valuable but totally harmful.
I struggle with this issue so much. I always always do me best to be patient, self sacrificing, etc for my friends and I don't think that I ask for a great deal of attention. I am not someone who keeps tabs on who wishes me a happy b day or whatever. But any time I do try to express my own interests, or try to... not be the center of attention, but maybe more like, try to let my energy run the show a little bit (if that makes sense) I find that I am often made to feel like I am being selfish or pushy or something like that. Even if just subtly. In the day to day, with them, I am very often the one listening. As an afterthought, it seems, I am asked for my two sense sometimes but it doesn't seem like they are really interested. I feel confused, at this point I don't know if it is true and I just can't see it about myself or if my friends really are toxic. I am playing with the idea of severing ties but I don't really have any other friends. It is true that they have a more potty humor style sense of humor and usually want to just be silly and giggle and I am like that SOMETIMES. I have had genuine good times with these friends. But that is like 10% of me and I have a way deeper more serious and intro- extrospective side to me that is screaming to be expressed with other people but I think they find that side of me boring. While I find it boring that they can never go beyond either being super silly or being miserable about life. it is like one of the two extremes with them always.
i relate to this. the world is filled with shallow people who think with half a brain. people who are deep and intuitive tend to not have as many friends bc people are to shallow to handle our depth. insecure people also struggle with people who are observant and deep bc they dont want pitty or for the insecurities to be seen by ppl. shallow ppl however dont pay enough attention to anyone else but themeselfs so they usually will not make insecure ppl uncofortable unlike smart ppl who can tell.
I really relate to the being treated as an “after thought” part. I do wonder if I am too quiet so I’ll try to actively talk about things I am interested in. If I am still made to feel “unseen” then I know I have to slowly distance and put less energy into that friendship.
You feel it, there's no shared caring, when you need them there not there but when they need you it's like stop all your doing .. this frenemy has consistently talked about me behind my back n has said She s the victim ...I'm over it.. I'm ghosting her.
I'll never have friends. I'm 30 and I have no friends (literally 0). I'm alone in the world and it's gonna stay that way even though I would gladly be there for someone, a friend. I mean, not to say I've never had a friend, just they never stay a friend...it doesn't last.
I would love to hear this story from the other persons perspective. In my experience it's usually the toxic person who ends a relationship. People with emotional intelligence have the boundaries and self confidence to maintain healthy connections with *anyone* (an essential skill in business)
Very observant and intelligent response. I've had a lot of toxic friends in my life. I see this as a result of low self-esteem due to an abusive upbringing. I have a high tolerance for abusive behaviour because I think it's my fault. Then when I finally see the light and spit the dummy, the toxic friend dumps me. It's as though I've changed the contract and they can't stand it.
I honestly think there's no such thing as "fake" friends/people. Maybe these people are just not compatible with us and we just have to manage our expectations because I believe we've been all designed by God to be wired differently and to be trustworthy friends to those we'll match up with. I think it's worth praying to be discerning of the company we choose and allow ourselves to belong to. :)
I'm sassy, loving, weird, caring, somewhat funny and loyal yet I can't find anyone to befriend. It's definitely a me issue I now know because it's been years since I've had a real friend.
I want friends, but I learned not to be emotionally hung up on friendships. I had a set of close friends in college (BFF I thought), but after graduation, heard nada from them. I was crushed, but my brother told me, “People move on, and so should you.” I have made friends over the years, but many friendships faded away as circumstances changed. I just accepted that and look forward to meeting new people.
Amen to being ones best friend! I got tired of the cattiness of other women:( My cousin came out to visit and it was one of the worst times ever.. I’ve never invited her over again. And I feel good about it now..
I am/was in a friendgroup where we had all been friends for some time and I had noticed that a friend who I used to be close to had started to be more self centered and condescending(?) to the point that it was hurting me and making me feel like she and the other people thought less of me. I would often try to express what I felt but didnt know how to explain it without her getting mad and instead it ended up with everything thinking I was self centred, toxic and full of drama. It ended with that my closest best friend said she didnt want to deal with me anymore and cut off all ties to me and I also probably have lost the contact with the the friend that this was originally about and the friend in the group she was closest to. Now Idk what to do cause Im questioning everything, wondering if its all my fault, etc and now I suddenly barely have any friends left. I went from always saying that the thing that brought me most joy were my friends to them and the situation also being the thing that brought me the most pain. Im very sad about everything thats happened and dont really know what to make of it and Ik that even if the best friend were willing to be my friend again I dont know if I could handle being her friend again. Idk its a really messy situation and its hard to explain
I have been dealing with a similar situation and question friendships and especially groups, probably they can get toxic much more quickly. The worse thing is that when one tries to talk and clarify people act like everything is great, just their behaviour does not show that. Very sad indeed.
Same happened to me!! Lets just say i should've left as soon as i shouldve. She was a hidden narcissist and was waiting for me to slip up to stop being friends with me. Some people are not as nice as they appear
I have this issue at school as well. Plz tell me what to do. My friend (?) was only there when she need my help in school work and homework. Never did she ask me to hang out with the group, exclude me in group photos and always talk over me. I spent too much time trying to help her that sometimes I didn’t have enough time to study area that I’m lacking. When I have lower scores, she would say “you did well” but are visibly smiling happily in front of my face. It’s so tiring to keep up with her since her social group is already big because I’m a new kid.
"Emotional stability" I I guess that explains why it's hard for me to keep or make friends. I have a trauma disorder. Sometimes people can't see how loving, caring, and generous I am because my disorder gets in the way. Still trying to figure out how to fix it.
Andreas C. I feel like you just described me and my present situation. I had many close friends and a best friend since the age of 5. The best friend and I lost touch and took paths in life that we were ashamed to show one another. The others were from high school, college, work or relationships and lost touch when we were no longer around each other frequently. All the people in her non-friendship house became my friends instead over the years until I was left with no one.
try to communicate to them when you are not well, when you are really honest with your friend they can understand better. One of my friends "goshting" us when he was not emotionally well and eventually he pushed many people away :(
Nice comments! But I’m just curious, if everyone in the comment thread believes that he/she is not the toxic one and has been betrayed or let down by a friend, where are all the toxic people at? I’d like to read their comments too.
Wonderful talk. However, making supportive friendships is almost impossible. 99% of the people I meet are self absorbed and uninterested in anything you have to say, yet expect you to listen to them ad nauseam. And the nuclear family has become the primary focus rather than building other connections. Parents focus almost entirely on their children, and often find themselves at a loss when their children leave home (all their child free friends have moved on to people who stay in touch)
So when you encounter difficult people just give up on them and don't let them into your friendship house? How about being loving and patient and trying to help them and understand why they act the way that they do?
My world contains shallow insincere work colleagues who look at their mobile phones as I try to talk to them. I use Facebook but never contact people I know because of their fickle like and ignore you responses. I darent ask someone for a friend request incase they think I want to know more about them and any friend requests from people I may know are from casual Hello/ Goodbye aquanitnces. Is it any wonder that depression is rife for the lonely person who wants to have and remain a true friend.
Had a fight... Second fight in 13 years... I said somethings so did he... Next day I called to apologize... I called 4 times.. He didn't pick up... Now I have got the closure... I have got to let go... Ending a friendship feels like cutting off a limb... It just happened... M in a dark place now... I hope I get back to normal...
I'm 58 years old. Good luck finding a real friend. I'm sure there's a few out there but I'm not taking any more chances. I probably have a better chance of finding a diamond ring on the ground than finding a real friend.
Sounds really one-sided if you ask me....unless you meet my needs ALL the time, then out the door with you! Besides, who the hell has emotional stability? We are humans, emotional instability goes with the territory. I think the wiser thing to do would be to examine why you let someone get to the stage where they felt that could say something like "I'm not interested in your tomatoes" Plus, I doubt that the ex-friend had done that much changing as the presenter claimed towards the end, rather the presenter had grown a significant amount and was the one who had changed, which is why she was no longer willing to allow the bitch friend to treat her so badly. This is what happened with me and ex best friend. But swap the tomatoes for brain cancer.
I agree and aside from all we don't know there is something else to consider here. She said her friend arrived after travelling 1000 miles to see her AND it was hot. This is a woman around menopause age I'm assuming. Maybe she was cranky from heat travel and hormones and a bit down from not having what she perceived as this woman's perfect life. Maybe from her perspective this woman is the one who doesn't meet halfway and is rigid. I am not saying that is the case and I tend to believe this woman when she says things were great until it became about her. But I would be interested to hear the other woman's side of it. My hunch is that this woman here had some kind of windfall or advancement in her life and that was just too much for the other friend and for this woman it was the final straw that she was feeling fully content and the friend attempted to ruin that for her by trying to bring her down. I had this exact thing happen to me when something great happened to me. You find out who your friends are when the chips are down and when they are up.
Jennifer Parry I agree. I completely disagreed with this. You will be my friend if you bring me joy otherwise out the door!!!! Her friend may not be aware that she focuses mainly on her stuff. Plus she prolly does not care for plants. I don't understand the trend lately to cut out toxic individuals. What is the valid definition of toxic ppl? I find it superficial
If you find yourself at a lack, remember it is just a finite attitude in a finite zone, expand horizons and the next territory adapts to the specifics you planed to avoid and nurture what you intend to nurture.
I like this talk, it's as if I was listening to my own story that has yet to complete. I'm still thinking of ending my friendship with my closest friends coz I think we are both toxic for each other.
Most of the People will only be friends with you Just bcoz they will benefit in someway, not the emotional connection! As a result there is so much fakeness, pretence, jealous and backbitting! Its safe to just act casual with everyone.. Not being so deep-friending. Family should come first,, they will always have your back!
Sadly, not everyone's family is good. They can be toxic and abusive. And if that's what you've grown up with, you have low standards and low self-esteem, which leads to more toxic relationships.
There is a lot of good advice to take from this but imagine your friend of 30 years breaking up with you by saying "there is no more room for you in my friendship house"
She met her self in the mirror of life, and dumped her self. I am delighted that she is wrong about me I got a wide diverse group of friends because there is no one like me around. I befriend 10 people and nine are like this woman and her friend she dumped. One is a solid and befriends me back.
I would not want to be friends, and certainly not close friends, with someone who puts me in a particular compartment. I realize there are friends we call on to do certain activities or maybe a certain friend is better at giving advice on a particular topic, but she is putting them in rooms so she can open the door when she needs to benefit from that whatever i it she needs at that moment. . You can't find true friendship that way. And her friendship house is so juvenile. From the way she verbalized it to her hand gestures.
sj moore - I could not agree with you more, and I was a therapist before becoming disabled, and losing most of my friends as a result. If I was this choosy, I would be totally alone. Most of my friends are online now, and I would love to have someone who cared enough to come and see me in person like her friend did. If her friend is too negative now, maybe she is depressed and needs comfort. I would ask her about that before throwing her away as if friends grew on trees!
sj moore well I agree with her, cause there are many levels of friendships, and not everyone deserve to be on the kitchen. You can get promoted though. I think the house method is very useful cause nobody got time for fake friends.
At 3:32, she gives results of her survey but it is misleading. She didn’t ask if people had a friend or best friend who was a non-family human. Her results would leave one to believe that most people report their best friend is a partner or family member. We do not know if she asked “is your best friend a non-family member (human)?” She should have shared the survey question with us.
My guilt Is my only best friend Which is not really the best thing I can’t stop remembering the wrong I’ve done no matter how hard I try to get over it they always come back multiple times in every day of my life and hunts me I started to get used to it but still Wish I didn’t have this guilt attack every hour of my cautious Life
If someone doesn't belong in the friendship house don't let them in. If they don't share your interest in tomatoes then they are not good for you a "frienemy", exclude them from the "friendship house". Don't spend time with people who have different opinions, different interests and different approaches. Stay in your "friendship house" and lock the door! How very sad.
It's not about common interests, it's about reciprocity. We want friends who take joy in our joy--so if we grow tomatoes that bring us joy, we want our friends to indulge us in that joy, even if they have zero interest in tomatoes or being in the hot sun to look at them.
I keep hearing we are social animals and we need friends according to the experts maybe we have evolved and moved on from the concept of traditional real life friends ?
So you have to pretend to be interested in someone's tomatoes if you want to stay friends with them? Real friends should be able to be honest and not have to feign interest in stupid shit like each others' tomatoes. I hate people who expect a fake friendship like that.
hippiechickie18 Dig Deeper in The Patch hippie chick. That woman had been subtly denigrating this woman for years never being TRULY A FRIEND. She was Sneaky, Selfish and Wicked! Intentionally undermining her. Yuck! I am so glad this poor lady woke up. She seems interesting, kind, and frankly, a better friend than that woman ever deserved in 30 years! The Tomato Incident CRYSTALLIZED "The TRUTH" of her relationship with this GNAT of a woman...
You've only heard one side of the story and you're already coming to conclusions about the other woman's character, but then again I wouldn't expect much more from someone with the mind of a five year old who thinks calling someone a gnat is a clever insult. Oh, and just so you know, using caps lock does not make your point any more valid.
What aload of bull crap....unless someone is perfect and always supportive you throw them aside ....christ mayeb if you wwre a FRIEND you might get to the bottom of what was wrong with your friend and what was up with her ....
I don't agree. Likely this person committed many small disingenuous acts that gradually eroded the friendship. During a long friendship you can and usually will overlook a lot, but if there is too much negativity and disloyalty involved and even gets worse it may be time to let that person go.
It's harder now to find people who will like you for who you are, instead of what you've got.
I don't believe in best friends anymore. I used to have BFF's until they either hurt me or moved away and started living their own lives. People change and people forget about each other. I'm tired of being hurt by trying to cling to just 1 person as my BFF. I'd much rather expand my horizons and make different kinds of friends to fill the rooms in my "friendship house".
"You have to be willing to go out and look at my tomatoes."
DEEP.
Yes, Lady B. Simple...but deep. Deep connection with others require that we jump in deep...deep into the landscape of their lives.
We can't just wave to them (our real friends) from a helicopter or peek out of the curtains from our home across the street now and then.
The "frienemies" are too envious of their "friends" tomatoes and lovely garden, too resentful of another's joy.
i would say that is the only deepest line in this talk
I would have gone ahead and looked at the tomatoes and tried to hide the fact that I really friggin' didn't want to see the tomatoes. More to the point, I would not have said to a friend, "Let's go look at my tomatoes," because that sounds like a boring activity to suggest to a friend. Home gardening is generally a solitary activity that pleases the gardener, but if someone isn't already interested in gardening, they're not going to give a s---.
@@warmcozy It's not about tomatoes per se, it's about showing an interest in your friend. It's about the give and take of connection.
I used to cry that I couldn't and make lasting friendships, not even with my sisters. Now I just don't care anymore. I am my own best friend!
Thank you for sharing that! I can relate 100%, I have questioned, analyzed this topic and have had very sad times because of it, and been in situations that intuitively where not for me, but when you are not taught how to Love yourself, like walking, talking etc. You seek love outside of yourself, and it can be self costly, but unhealthy girlfriends and men, have brought me one day at a time to recovery,to learn what loving myself and enjoying my own company and myself, make healthy choice with my friendships,and if I am alone, I do not feel alone, I take care of my soul,the void is no longer there, Codependancy is deadly, and many people suffer in silence, act out in addiction, get very sick. Thank you for all your voices!
Im 27, & before psychotherapy, i thought i was to blame for failed relationships, now i can see why they had to go and all i need is my family
Good call!
I'm with you. "Friends" only last a while anyways and it's not worth your precious time. Just be your own best friend. I have a lot of acquaintances. That way I'm socializing but more on just one level. People can be invasive towards your choices in life, I don't need or care about others opinions of my life. That's were it goes sour, when I give them love and friendship, and they give me judgements. I gave plenty of people a shot at it when I was younger, every person burned me. Now I'll be friendly... but not your best friend, and that's OK.
friendship never lasts its a temporary situation if everyone was the same we wouldn't fight so much and compromise but the world doesn't work like that
It seems everyone is having difficulty finding genuine people like themselves. So if everyone thinks they are genuine, why are we not able to find genuine people?
maybe because we are not willing to be vulnerable enough to show our genuine self. So we end up projecting an image of us that we want people to see. We become friends with people who are alike, so as long as we present that version of ourself, that's the kind of people we will attract?
because everybody thinks they are genuine......
Her long-time friend was incredibly rude. If I'm visiting someone and staying in their home--even if we're NOT close friends--I'll go look at their tomatoes, their stamp collection, their family albums, their motorcycle, whatever they want to show me, first because that's the polite thing to do when you are a guest, but second because I'm interested in people's hobbies and what brings them joy and I like being exposed to new things. The problem I've discovered is that while I may be that way, others don't necessarily extend the same interest to me, and so the relationship becomes completely one-sided. So now I pay more attention to whether people show reciprocal interest in me, and if they do, I cultivate those relationships. The others are easy to let go, I'm finding--because generally, people who are not interested in and caring about others, aren't particularly interesting themselves.
Not necessarily. They might be too shy to show their interest or care, but are actually interested and care. Some people have a hard time communicating with others because of anxiety or other things. it doesn't mean they are bad, uninteresting people. They just need to learn to be comfortable around others.
You can never tell what is going through the other person's head or what they are personally going through, so your assumptions about them are often inaccurate. This misunderstanding can ruin a possibly long lasting friendship.
It takes time for some people to get comfortable around you before they can reveal their own interests and show interest in yours.
@@weebwithadream8260 how can one be too shy to look at someone's tomatoes or such??
Aventrius, I see your point but life is too short to wait for these people to open up. It may never happen as I have noticed in my life. I’m tired of having to go with their flow💕
People might say she is choosy with her friends but that's how life should be. I think this is the right thing to do. Fake friends may scar us so we should be very careful in choosing them. :)
You should be choosy with best friends in my opinion, but being open with people to be your friend.
Toxic supposed to be friends are now out of my life : what a relief ! Respect is the foundation of friendship, you are right.
I have just broken up with long term but toxic friends. I know it's the right decision coz I feel so much stronger and more positive.
She is she’s an amazing therapist she’s mine actually I reccomend her if you can
"You cannot make a friend, you can only be a friend." - Roy Montero
"Why can’t we be friends?" - Jill Squyres
To me, a good friend is someone who prioritises you as much as you prioritise them. Our priorities change over time and I find this hardest to come to terms with. It is heartbreaking to know that you are no longer a priority to your friend. You know it when they seem more reluctant to be with you, or that they are always late for appointments, or that they don't seem interested in the things you say anymore. It never happens overnight but gradually over months or years.
I've known a friend for years and I felt I could tell her everything. But one day she stopped picking up my calls when I asked, or even begged for her help. I was about to undergo a significant surgery and I needed to see her just once before the operation to gain some courage. But she went completely radio silent for several months. The surgery was tough... but it was made tougher having to re-evaluate our friendship. I decided to call it off.
I still don't understand what happened till this day. She never apologised because I guess she didn't think she has done anything wrong. She simply said, "I had other more important things to do than to be with you." It was then I realised that it was me who has misplaced my affection for her. I then started to wonder for how long have I been involved in this one-sided relationship and why haven't I seen it sooner?
I learned a lot from this experience and eventually moved on. Then I bumped into her again at a cafe several months ago and we greeted each other the way we normally would. She spoke to me as if nothing had happened except now I find myself feeling so uninterested in the things she said. I also almost did not recognize her because she has put on so much weight! I faked a phone call and excused myself from the conversation before leaving the cafe. Lol.
What would you have done if you were me?
The same and maybe confront her
There are two types of people in this world... Those who fill your cup up and those who drain it. Only spend your time with those who fill your cup.
I think it is self centred to say only allow ppl in who brings us joy. People may change briefly as they may have their struggles with health and such .
I agree but that's not what she means.
I find that quality friends are extremely hard to find. I have none. My mother is one of the best, but has numerous shortcomings that I have to deal with. Beggars cant always be choosers.
Friends are overrated. I’ve had two good friends in my life, one is my twin sister. Love yourself and enjoy your own company.
My 'best friend ' told me I was not entertaining her anymore as I lay in hospital trying not to die , good bye
Yes, the most hurt comes from the people you least expect....at the worse of times. Been there!
😮
I have a family member like this; if they aren't entertained by your conversation, they will walk away or change the conversation. UGH If you aren't interested in the conversation, that's fine, but remember I'm not here for your entertainment!
I'd definitely look at her tomatoes.
Yes I was with a toxic friendship for 16 years stupid me. I finally let go.
I stopped communications with my BFF of 40 years, a few months. No big talk or explanations because it would not do any good. I still think about her all the time. I knew leaving this relationship would be hard that is why It took so long to end it. It got to where I would jump 10 feet when my phone would ring knowing it would be her. If I don't answer her calls she expects me to explain why. Threated to call police to check on me. She expects me to be at her beck and call when she wants to belly ache about everything under the sun but she can't be bothered to help me when I came home to move my father to nursing home. She just could not understand that I was not there to party with her. She really expected me to dump my father in a home, ignore all my family members and spend all my time with her. I new for years she was a toxic person but that was the last straw. she was poisoning me. I hope someday I will truly feel free of her. Next time I go home to visit I wont have to contend with her.
Ophelia , Congratulations to you. Me too, still trying not to bounce back to it. I need to let go, period.
i did too.. at first i didnt realize that she is toxic. i only knew that after i vent out everything to a psychologist. i went to see the psychologist because i dont know who to tell to, that 'friend' of mine didnt listen to me, its always me who listen to her. after realize that, i left, without explanation. @ophelia , after letting go, how do you manage? im still thinking of that toxic friend of mine, everything she said, what shes done. i cant get it out of my mind. how do you do it?
Oh my God, this is almost exactly what happened to me and my best friend of 25 years! I can totally relate to everything she says... and here I had been thinking I was the only one!
Well presented, informative, well spoken, and FRIENDLY! Kudo's to you, Jill, for a fabulous perspective that is relatable to so many of us.
I find it superficial. People are not going to bring you joy all the time as they have their own struggles.
Sounds like you were friends with my mother! I broke up with her years ago, and life is good now.
Awesome Jill. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Making friends is a privilege and having a true friend a gift.
Patricia Henry I have been looking for friends for 4 years and I am now a sophomore. I have never ever had any friends that were worthwhile
My mind is my first best friend. My computer is my second best friend. My bicycle is my third best friend.
I like that.
Amazing video... I'm thankful to my non-lasting friends bcoz they've made me understand things I don't want in my life. Friendship is worthy of care, time n efforts, don't offer it to people who don't understand it's value. Better to be alone than in bad company.
I used to have a frenemy. She talked a lot about herself and her stories. All conversation we had evolved around her life, and when I started to share my things she interrupted and came back to her things. It was annoying and made me feel down. I didn't remember why I had kept this relationship for 8 years or so. I dumped her after several times that she and I had broken up and reconnected. Thanks to your speech for reminding me of lots of things which are seemingly valuable but totally harmful.
I struggle with this issue so much. I always always do me best to be patient, self sacrificing, etc for my friends and I don't think that I ask for a great deal of attention. I am not someone who keeps tabs on who wishes me a happy b day or whatever. But any time I do try to express my own interests, or try to... not be the center of attention, but maybe more like, try to let my energy run the show a little bit (if that makes sense) I find that I am often made to feel like I am being selfish or pushy or something like that. Even if just subtly. In the day to day, with them, I am very often the one listening. As an afterthought, it seems, I am asked for my two sense sometimes but it doesn't seem like they are really interested. I feel confused, at this point I don't know if it is true and I just can't see it about myself or if my friends really are toxic. I am playing with the idea of severing ties but I don't really have any other friends.
It is true that they have a more potty humor style sense of humor and usually want to just be silly and giggle and I am like that SOMETIMES. I have had genuine good times with these friends. But that is like 10% of me and I have a way deeper more serious and intro- extrospective side to me that is screaming to be expressed with other people but I think they find that side of me boring. While I find it boring that they can never go beyond either being super silly or being miserable about life. it is like one of the two extremes with them always.
i relate to this. the world is filled with shallow people who think with half a brain. people who are deep and intuitive tend to not have as many friends bc people are to shallow to handle our depth. insecure people also struggle with people who are observant and deep bc they dont want pitty or for the insecurities to be seen by ppl. shallow ppl however dont pay enough attention to anyone else but themeselfs so they usually will not make insecure ppl uncofortable unlike smart ppl who can tell.
I really relate to the being treated as an “after thought” part. I do wonder if I am too quiet so I’ll try to actively talk about things I am interested in. If I am still made to feel “unseen” then I know I have to slowly distance and put less energy into that friendship.
You feel it, there's no shared caring, when you need them there not there but when they need you it's like stop all your doing .. this frenemy has consistently talked about me behind my back n has said She s the victim ...I'm over it.. I'm ghosting her.
I'll never have friends. I'm 30 and I have no friends (literally 0). I'm alone in the world and it's gonna stay that way even though I would gladly be there for someone, a friend. I mean, not to say I've never had a friend, just they never stay a friend...it doesn't last.
ando1135 Same here. You’re not alone.
ya me.. too.. 🙂
Hey ando let's be friends?! My name is Andrei and I live in Denver.
I'm with you too, same. :) How about we try to be friends?
Ando, I won't tell you to stay positive and such... But please, keep a door open to the unpredictable of life. Never say never.
I dream of having reciprocity in any kind of relationship. I'm afraid it will never be something I am fortunate enough to experience in my lifetime.
I would love to hear this story from the other persons perspective. In my experience it's usually the toxic person who ends a relationship. People with emotional intelligence have the boundaries and self confidence to maintain healthy connections with *anyone* (an essential skill in business)
Very observant and intelligent response. I've had a lot of toxic friends in my life. I see this as a result of low self-esteem due to an abusive upbringing. I have a high tolerance for abusive behaviour because I think it's my fault. Then when I finally see the light and spit the dummy, the toxic friend dumps me. It's as though I've changed the contract and they can't stand it.
Great talk, Jill! I couldn't agree with you more!
OMG! I had the EXACT same type of relationship. 30 yrs + etc. I didn't think I could end it, but I did. It's been 3 years.
Thank you Jill, I needed this.
I honestly think there's no such thing as "fake" friends/people. Maybe these people are just not compatible with us and we just have to manage our expectations because I believe we've been all designed by God to be wired differently and to be trustworthy friends to those we'll match up with. I think it's worth praying to be discerning of the company we choose and allow ourselves to belong to. :)
I'm sassy, loving, weird, caring, somewhat funny and loyal yet I can't find anyone to befriend. It's definitely a me issue I now know because it's been years since I've had a real friend.
interesting I don't have a best friend, just many friends who are not competing.
I want friends, but I learned not to be emotionally hung up on friendships. I had a set of close friends in college (BFF I thought), but after graduation, heard nada from them. I was crushed, but my brother told me, “People move on, and so should you.” I have made friends over the years, but many friendships faded away as circumstances changed. I just accepted that and look forward to meeting new people.
Amen to being ones best friend! I got tired of the cattiness of other women:(
My cousin came out to visit and it was one of the worst times ever.. I’ve never invited her over again. And I feel good about it now..
I am/was in a friendgroup where we had all been friends for some time and I had noticed that a friend who I used to be close to had started to be more self centered and condescending(?) to the point that it was hurting me and making me feel like she and the other people thought less of me. I would often try to express what I felt but didnt know how to explain it without her getting mad and instead it ended up with everything thinking I was self centred, toxic and full of drama. It ended with that my closest best friend said she didnt want to deal with me anymore and cut off all ties to me and I also probably have lost the contact with the the friend that this was originally about and the friend in the group she was closest to. Now Idk what to do cause Im questioning everything, wondering if its all my fault, etc and now I suddenly barely have any friends left. I went from always saying that the thing that brought me most joy were my friends to them and the situation also being the thing that brought me the most pain. Im very sad about everything thats happened and dont really know what to make of it and Ik that even if the best friend were willing to be my friend again I dont know if I could handle being her friend again. Idk its a really messy situation and its hard to explain
If it's any comfort, I am going through a similar situation. It's very painful. Know that you are not alone.
I have been dealing with a similar situation and question friendships and especially groups, probably they can get toxic much more quickly. The worse thing is that when one tries to talk and clarify people act like everything is great, just their behaviour does not show that. Very sad indeed.
Same happened to me!! Lets just say i should've left as soon as i shouldve. She was a hidden narcissist and was waiting for me to slip up to stop being friends with me. Some people are not as nice as they appear
Congratulations Jill! Great talk!
Melanie Mamakos Thanks so much!
I have this issue at school as well. Plz tell me what to do. My friend (?) was only there when she need my help in school work and homework. Never did she ask me to hang out with the group, exclude me in group photos and always talk over me. I spent too much time trying to help her that sometimes I didn’t have enough time to study area that I’m lacking. When I have lower scores, she would say “you did well” but are visibly smiling happily in front of my face. It’s so tiring to keep up with her since her social group is already big because I’m a new kid.
"Emotional stability" I I guess that explains why it's hard for me to keep or make friends. I have a trauma disorder. Sometimes people can't see how loving, caring, and generous I am because my disorder gets in the way. Still trying to figure out how to fix it.
Andreas C. I feel like you just described me and my present situation. I had many close friends and a best friend since the age of 5. The best friend and I lost touch and took paths in life that we were ashamed to show one another. The others were from high school, college, work or relationships and lost touch when we were no longer around each other frequently. All the people in her non-friendship house became my friends instead over the years until I was left with no one.
try to communicate to them when you are not well, when you are really honest with your friend they can understand better. One of my friends "goshting" us when he was not emotionally well and eventually he pushed many people away :(
Interesting that she doesn’t have a garden in her friendship house.
Jim Jahey LoL
Our society needs to help the toxic people. There are a lot of them out there. All I've met is toxic people. Sad. Fix the root of the problem.
Nice comments! But I’m just curious, if everyone in the comment thread believes that he/she is not the toxic one and has been betrayed or let down by a friend, where are all the toxic people at? I’d like to read their comments too.
Wonderful talk. However, making supportive friendships is almost impossible. 99% of the people I meet are self absorbed and uninterested in anything you have to say, yet expect you to listen to them ad nauseam. And the nuclear family has become the primary focus rather than building other connections. Parents focus almost entirely on their children, and often find themselves at a loss when their children leave home (all their child free friends have moved on to people who stay in touch)
Awesome Jill! Thank you! :)
So when you encounter difficult people just give up on them and don't let them into your friendship house? How about being loving and patient and trying to help them and understand why they act the way that they do?
Because they won't do the same for you.
Excellent video! I love the friendship house.. it’s perfect:)
Excellent it is the principal of it. You have to open doors to those who exchanges with you on all levels.
Friendships needs to always continue forever
It's hard to have a one sided friend ship , I give up !
My world contains shallow insincere work colleagues who look at their mobile phones as I try to talk to them. I use Facebook but never contact people I know because of their fickle like and ignore you responses. I darent ask someone for a friend request incase they think I want to know more about them and any friend requests from people I may know are from casual Hello/ Goodbye aquanitnces. Is it any wonder that depression is rife for the lonely person who wants to have and remain a true friend.
Had a fight... Second fight in 13 years... I said somethings so did he... Next day I called to apologize... I called 4 times.. He didn't pick up... Now I have got the closure... I have got to let go... Ending a friendship feels like cutting off a limb... It just happened... M in a dark place now... I hope I get back to normal...
Great video, I too lost a friend of about 30 years because of similar issues. Its better this way, i enjoy doing things on my own.
A great message very well illustrated.
I'm 58 years old. Good luck finding a real friend. I'm sure there's a few out there but I'm not taking any more chances. I probably have a better chance of finding a diamond ring on the ground than finding a real friend.
Love this! Great insights!
Well said!! Love that house concept, and yes, your friend should Want to go see your tomatoes!
Her best friend when she saw this.😱
Sounds really one-sided if you ask me....unless you meet my needs ALL the time, then out the door with you! Besides, who the hell has emotional stability? We are humans, emotional instability goes with the territory. I think the wiser thing to do would be to examine why you let someone get to the stage where they felt that could say something like "I'm not interested in your tomatoes" Plus, I doubt that the ex-friend had done that much changing as the presenter claimed towards the end, rather the presenter had grown a significant amount and was the one who had changed, which is why she was no longer willing to allow the bitch friend to treat her so badly. This is what happened with me and ex best friend. But swap the tomatoes for brain cancer.
I agree and aside from all we don't know there is something else to consider here. She said her friend arrived after travelling 1000 miles to see her AND it was hot. This is a woman around menopause age I'm assuming. Maybe she was cranky from heat travel and hormones and a bit down from not having what she perceived as this woman's perfect life. Maybe from her perspective this woman is the one who doesn't meet halfway and is rigid. I am not saying that is the case and I tend to believe this woman when she says things were great until it became about her. But I would be interested to hear the other woman's side of it. My hunch is that this woman here had some kind of windfall or advancement in her life and that was just too much for the other friend and for this woman it was the final straw that she was feeling fully content and the friend attempted to ruin that for her by trying to bring her down. I had this exact thing happen to me when something great happened to me. You find out who your friends are when the chips are down and when they are up.
damn... thats cold!
Hope you are doing well!
Jennifer Parry I agree. I completely disagreed with this. You will be my friend if you bring me joy otherwise out the door!!!!
Her friend may not be aware that she focuses mainly on her stuff. Plus she prolly does not care for plants.
I don't understand the trend lately to cut out toxic individuals. What is the valid definition of toxic ppl?
I find it superficial
If you find yourself at a lack, remember it is just a finite attitude in a finite zone, expand horizons and the next territory adapts to the specifics you planed to avoid and nurture what you intend to nurture.
I like this talk, it's as if I was listening to my own story that has yet to complete. I'm still thinking of ending my friendship with my closest friends coz I think we are both toxic for each other.
I haven’t got friends, I got family - Vin Diesel.
Someone look at her goddamn tomatoes
Most of the People will only be friends with you Just bcoz they will benefit in someway, not the emotional connection!
As a result there is so much fakeness, pretence, jealous and backbitting!
Its safe to just act casual with everyone.. Not being so deep-friending. Family should come first,, they will always have your back!
Sadly, not everyone's family is good. They can be toxic and abusive. And if that's what you've grown up with, you have low standards and low self-esteem, which leads to more toxic relationships.
Loved this talk!
There is a lot of good advice to take from this but imagine your friend of 30 years breaking up with you by saying "there is no more room for you in my friendship house"
This was good - short, sweet, funny, poignant and useful.
She met her self in the mirror of life, and dumped her self. I am delighted that she is wrong about me I got a wide diverse group of friends because there is no one like me around. I befriend 10 people and nine are like this woman and her friend she dumped. One is a solid and befriends me back.
YALL THATS MY THERAPIST
I would not want to be friends, and certainly not close friends, with someone who puts me in a particular compartment. I realize there are friends we call on to do certain activities or maybe a certain friend is better at giving advice on a particular topic, but she is putting them in rooms so she can open the door when she needs to benefit from that whatever i it she needs at that moment. . You can't find true friendship that way. And her friendship house is so juvenile. From the way she verbalized it to her hand gestures.
sj moore - I could not agree with you more, and I was a therapist before becoming disabled, and losing most of my friends as a result. If I was this choosy, I would be totally alone. Most of my friends are online now, and I would love to have someone who cared enough to come and see me in person like her friend did. If her friend is too negative now, maybe she is depressed and needs comfort. I would ask her about that before throwing her away as if friends grew on trees!
sj moore well I agree with her, cause there are many levels of friendships, and not everyone deserve to be on the kitchen. You can get promoted though. I think the house method is very useful cause nobody got time for fake friends.
At 3:32, she gives results of her survey but it is misleading. She didn’t ask if people had a friend or best friend who was a non-family human. Her results would leave one to believe that most people report their best friend is a partner or family member. We do not know if she asked “is your best friend a non-family member (human)?” She should have shared the survey question with us.
My guilt Is my only best friend
Which is not really the best thing
I can’t stop remembering the wrong I’ve done no matter how hard I try to get over it
they always come back multiple times in every day of my life and hunts me
I started to get used to it but still
Wish I didn’t have this guilt attack every hour of my cautious Life
Don't be too harsch on yourself, we all make mistakes :)
If someone doesn't belong in the friendship house don't let them in. If they don't share your interest in tomatoes then they are not good for you a "frienemy", exclude them from the "friendship house". Don't spend time with people who have different opinions, different interests and different approaches. Stay in your "friendship house" and lock the door! How very sad.
She needed a safe space.
It's not about common interests, it's about reciprocity. We want friends who take joy in our joy--so if we grow tomatoes that bring us joy, we want our friends to indulge us in that joy, even if they have zero interest in tomatoes or being in the hot sun to look at them.
Mary Catherine La Mar Reciprocity! The key to a good friendship.
I keep hearing we are social animals and we need friends according to the experts maybe we have evolved and moved on from the concept of traditional real life friends ?
I believe we are tribal and the social interacting is unnatural.
I appreciate your thoughts, but this vaguely reminds me of those Insta/Twitter fights between friends ya kno?
umm dr. squyres. Can we be friends? I'll talk to you about your tomatoes every day! Cutie-pie. I loved this video so much.
My cat is my best friend and my xbox and ps4 is my friend and Mary Jane is a close close friend of mine
She Seemed At A Energy Vampire To Me Saying Things That Didn't Even Make Sense To Me
I’m a pretty good friend.
Gosh! The background noise is ruining this TED talk. ( paper shuffling )
I'm exhausted with a clingy needy two faced friend... Sigh
Never mess with the tomatoes
Whats all that loud white noise! Sounds like someone is digging in a grocery bag throughout the entire video.
but it gets super hot in Texas!! the best friend being honest. haha. no other clear examples.
Matthew 16:24
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Hey hey hey hey! #210
Corruption u are..... Love is a friend a family, love is all.....
So you have to pretend to be interested in someone's tomatoes if you want to stay friends with them? Real friends should be able to be honest and not have to feign interest in stupid shit like each others' tomatoes. I hate people who expect a fake friendship like that.
hippiechickie18 Dig Deeper in The Patch hippie chick. That woman had been subtly denigrating this woman for years never being TRULY A FRIEND. She was Sneaky, Selfish and Wicked! Intentionally undermining her. Yuck! I am so glad this poor lady woke up. She seems interesting, kind, and frankly, a better friend than that woman ever deserved in 30 years! The Tomato Incident CRYSTALLIZED "The TRUTH" of her relationship with this GNAT of a woman...
You've only heard one side of the story and you're already coming to conclusions about the other woman's character, but then again I wouldn't expect much more from someone with the mind of a five year old who thinks calling someone a gnat is a clever insult. Oh, and just so you know, using caps lock does not make your point any more valid.
hippiechickie18 lol ! Do i care? no-
I would suggest that you should care that you sound like my five year old brother in law, but that's just me.
I thought she meant you should find someone genuinely interested in tomatoes
150th comment
I just wanna do even 😜
What aload of bull crap....unless someone is perfect and always supportive you throw them aside ....christ mayeb if you wwre a FRIEND you might get to the bottom of what was wrong with your friend and what was up with her ....
True Star - Could not have said it better than you did!
I don't agree. Likely this person committed many small disingenuous acts that gradually eroded the friendship. During a long friendship you can and usually will overlook a lot, but if there is too much negativity and disloyalty involved and even gets worse it may be time to let that person go.
@@francinegray9383 Yes, somethng as simple and dull as a pot of tomatoes can be the final straw.
WHAT IS THAT SOUND? IT IS KILLING ME! is it a plastic bag or something?
My mom is my best friend, shes not toxic, she just my best friend and I love her💗💗💗.
Lucky, Lucky you.