Thankyou so much Susan for answering my question! Update: my partner and I are now separated (since last month) and it was absolutely the right decision. We are still great friends and love each other dearly but we both knew we needed very different things and wanted each other to find happiness and the right relationship, even if we couldn't give that to each other.
Also @SusanWinter in answer to your 'why' question in the video: We started out as just lovers, then had a talk one night about how we felt this would make an amazing partnership as not only was the sexual chemistry there but the communication, safety, etc was too. I did my due diligence in asking what exactly they would like and did our wants and needs match. It seemed they did. They made it clear they wanted a relationship and wanted to do things together, do things with our mutual friends, and share interests together. So we began building. We would go out together if their band was playing a show, as I would go and watch, and they were openly affectionate and public about us in that context. However, we would make plans for just the two of us that would routinely fall through and I would suggest places to go or things to do and they'd be excited to do them and talk about them a lot but the plans would never happen. They seemed to be just too exhausted and overwhelmed by 'life stuff.' Every month or so I would have this kind of breakdown where I would cry and feel frustrated (the 'contractions' you mentioned) so they'd come over, we would talk, I'd express what I felt was missing and what I would like instead. They would say they very much wanted to do all the things I wanted, too. So we'd make a plan of how we could realistically do that. Then nothing would change. As I said there was a struggle going on for them in life that they were not addressing. They always had an excuse not to do things like they had a lot going on, or no money, or this or that stressful situation was happening. We then tried your suggestion of just being lovers again, but one evening I was messaging them about maybe making new years plans together and their reply sounded so unbothered and non-committal, I felt they weren't excited about the prospect and I realised I needed a partner (not just a lover) who celebrates me, jumps at the chance to spend time together and can't wait to see me! We agreed a separation was best and it was honestly the best decision. I feel like myself again and we still check in every day and have stayed friends.
LANA, I think you're the Lana from IG?@@lavandeworld Are you the one who made the terrific story about me? Either way, either way, thank you for the lovely commentary and thank you for the question. One person speaks for many.
I feel like I’m living your life right now. He’s a great man and gives me so much of what I’ve wanted but that something is missing. The effort to spend more time together. He loves me like I love him, but those “contractions” persist every month. Two years in and I’m going to give him this last chance after I made it very clear what I needed. Thank you for sharing your story! Susan, thank you for the great video and advice.
Dont settle. We found each other when I was sick. He took care of me. Hard lesson in love. He has given me a home and stability. He's my ride or die. Thank you God.
Susan, are you a fly on my wall?!? How in the world did you know EXACTLY what I needed to hear today? You made it so clear, and clarity is what I need more than anything. I know my homework assignment now. Many, many thanks. 🙏🏻
I think Susan's advice is great in that you have to communicate, but in this situation that wasn't the issue - my partner and I sat down and wrote out date night ideas, talked loads about what we wanted to do, even picked the weekends we would do them but something always fell through last minute for them. Or if I would suggest and plan dates and they'd often respond unenthusiastically to my ideas but not offer an alternative either? They said often they really wanted to do these things but were just overwhelmed or too tired or didn't have money etc..
@@lavandeworld it sounds like you tried very hard to make it work at a higher level. But the person wasn't honest with you about the heart of the matter. You did your best, and we live and learn.
Im.going thru this now she communicate zero!!!! Now she says she's settling which I know she's saying this cuz we haven't wen out on a date in 2 months. Reason being she was sick I was sick then she wen on vacation.
I think I'm being realistic. I understand that getting what I want comes with alot of goodbyes. Also it's clear how the relationship is going to work in this criteria
Thank you for this, Susan! I have this feeling too about my partner but for now I just decided to stay with myself and try to honour my own needs before making a decision, considering that I have anxious attachement. Thank you for your amazing videos and great guidance! And Happy Holidays!❤️
Got it right the second time around...25 years and still in awe of her ways. Thanks for the reminder...and ex and I are friends...best to bury hatchets, we learn as we age, that grudges only hurt us...
This is such good at twice! Thank you so much, Susann. I find your advice to be well, sought true, and very understanding. I am 58 and starting over again, and your advice will guide me through that process Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you
Been watching these videos for 5 years now I think and everyone gets better or my understanding does, maybe both. Learned that there's not much in todays society that's genuine so I'll stay a lone wolf for now.
It is so damn hard. Met someone I like and can’t sleep. Now he isn’t texting back as quickly. Such a massive, massive headache. I’m 40 and I will probably end up with no hope in the near future.
I used to feel that way too, I later made decision of proceeding based on how he makes me feel rather than how I feel about him then everything changes. I no longer have the lack mentality that there is only one person and I needed to hold so tightly to him that I lose myself. If I am focusing on what’s in front of my life and stability, the anxiety of waiting for his texts dramatically reduces because now my feelings are no longer defined by his responses or that short lived dopamine of honeymoon stage of longing for someone. I mentally “allowed” everything to happen and people can come and go as do I.
Loved this content! Thank you! Videos around the topic of "settling vs remaining realistic", on different components of romantic relationships, would be deeply appreciated. Your thoughts on how to take a cross-section. Eg. quality of companionship, sexual connection, shared sense of humour, shared life project or direction. It seems that the differences between nitpicking, and genuine dissatisfaction, are subtle. So few connections in life are a clear, strong, stable yet resounding "Yes!". Is that what we should be looking for?
My first thought was actually that the caller maybe hasn't even voiced their needs & desires-- maybe their partner would actually be willing to make adjustments or compromises!
@@saraxadam3659” after making it exceedingly clear”. (That quote is straight from the video and so important , so many people expect their love interest to read their mind).
Hey, this was my question so happy to answer this! We communicated a LOT, we talked, made plans of action together and tried to carry them out. But my partner was struggling just to keep on top of their own things and didn't have anything left to give energy to me even though they really did want to. Every month we checked in on our plan of action and tried to revise it if we weren't finding it realistic, but very little changed. I've been a long time follower of Susan's work so I knew what to do communication wise! We are now separated and we mutually agreed this was the right choice.
Once a guy is over 50 he's not stupid he knows. Stop trying to pull the flaps over his eyes. He's been through the courts your pretending that its the 50s. Men are not Wilder beast we understand that times have changed
I think everyone has different needs and values in relationships and while there may be nothing 'wrong' with certain traits or differences, and you can still love someone who has those traits, it doesn't mean they are right for you. If the relationship you have doesn't match the relationship you want, the chances are you will never feel at peace in that relationship. I wrote this question in, by the way, and my partner and I made the decision to break up due to our differing needs, and that decision was the right one and the healthiest choice for us.
And to what you wrote about flowers, I didn't realise I was a person who needed flowers, gifts, dates, in a relationship until this relationship! Because this person gave me communication, love, safety that I'd never had before and I realised that those things are all well and good but I personally need someone to demonstrate their love for me and I need to feel celebrated by a partner, especially because I would bring them little gifts and make them dinner and things like that all the time, so to have it not be reciprocated felt hurtful to me, even though they didn't intend to be hurtful at all, they just didn't think like me and that's okay they're still a great person but it's not what I needed.
It’s about love languages and compatibility. If you don’t like flowers then probably gifts don’t belong on your list of love languages. There’s several more to choose from. So don’t poopoo other people’s choices that are different to yours. Instead realise that they are not the type that you want to date. Simple
@@roberttruman8444 I think it’s beneficial to learn your partner’s love language, and try to accommodate that, instead of obsessing over your own love language. (I’m using the editorial “you” here).
Thankyou so much Susan for answering my question! Update: my partner and I are now separated (since last month) and it was absolutely the right decision. We are still great friends and love each other dearly but we both knew we needed very different things and wanted each other to find happiness and the right relationship, even if we couldn't give that to each other.
Also @SusanWinter in answer to your 'why' question in the video: We started out as just lovers, then had a talk one night about how we felt this would make an amazing partnership as not only was the sexual chemistry there but the communication, safety, etc was too. I did my due diligence in asking what exactly they would like and did our wants and needs match. It seemed they did. They made it clear they wanted a relationship and wanted to do things together, do things with our mutual friends, and share interests together. So we began building. We would go out together if their band was playing a show, as I would go and watch, and they were openly affectionate and public about us in that context. However, we would make plans for just the two of us that would routinely fall through and I would suggest places to go or things to do and they'd be excited to do them and talk about them a lot but the plans would never happen. They seemed to be just too exhausted and overwhelmed by 'life stuff.' Every month or so I would have this kind of breakdown where I would cry and feel frustrated (the 'contractions' you mentioned) so they'd come over, we would talk, I'd express what I felt was missing and what I would like instead. They would say they very much wanted to do all the things I wanted, too. So we'd make a plan of how we could realistically do that. Then nothing would change. As I said there was a struggle going on for them in life that they were not addressing. They always had an excuse not to do things like they had a lot going on, or no money, or this or that stressful situation was happening. We then tried your suggestion of just being lovers again, but one evening I was messaging them about maybe making new years plans together and their reply sounded so unbothered and non-committal, I felt they weren't excited about the prospect and I realised I needed a partner (not just a lover) who celebrates me, jumps at the chance to spend time together and can't wait to see me! We agreed a separation was best and it was honestly the best decision. I feel like myself again and we still check in every day and have stayed friends.
LANA, I think you're the Lana from IG?@@lavandeworld Are you the one who made the terrific story about me? Either way, either way, thank you for the lovely commentary and thank you for the question. One person speaks for many.
Yes, it is me! I love you Susan, Happy New Year! x@@SusanWinter
I feel like I’m living your life right now. He’s a great man and gives me so much of what I’ve wanted but that something is missing. The effort to spend more time together. He loves me like I love him, but those “contractions” persist every month. Two years in and I’m going to give him this last chance after I made it very clear what I needed.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Susan, thank you for the great video and advice.
JUDITH, you are welcome
@@judithvillegas4471
Dont settle. We found each other when I was sick. He took care of me. Hard lesson in love. He has given me a home and stability. He's my ride or die. Thank you God.
Susan, are you a fly on my wall?!? How in the world did you know EXACTLY what I needed to hear today? You made it so clear, and clarity is what I need more than anything. I know my homework assignment now. Many, many thanks. 🙏🏻
Same here
Call it my ‘feminine intuition’ 😜 I’m glad this video came at the right time for you!
Strangely, my relationship (which often leaves something to be desired) pushes me to ask myself not if I could do better, but whether I can be better.
"What we have here is a failure to communicate."
No dates? There's the answer.
I think Susan's advice is great in that you have to communicate, but in this situation that wasn't the issue - my partner and I sat down and wrote out date night ideas, talked loads about what we wanted to do, even picked the weekends we would do them but something always fell through last minute for them. Or if I would suggest and plan dates and they'd often respond unenthusiastically to my ideas but not offer an alternative either? They said often they really wanted to do these things but were just overwhelmed or too tired or didn't have money etc..
I'm glad you got resolution in this. Good luck with everything!@@lavandeworld
@@lavandeworld it sounds like you tried very hard to make it work at a higher level. But the person wasn't honest with you about the heart of the matter. You did your best, and we live and learn.
Im.going thru this now she communicate zero!!!! Now she says she's settling which I know she's saying this cuz we haven't wen out on a date in 2 months. Reason being she was sick I was sick then she wen on vacation.
I think I'm being realistic. I understand that getting what I want comes with alot of goodbyes. Also it's clear how the relationship is going to work in this criteria
Thank you for this, Susan! I have this feeling too about my partner but for now I just decided to stay with myself and try to honour my own needs before making a decision, considering that I have anxious attachement. Thank you for your amazing videos and great guidance! And Happy Holidays!❤️
Got it right the second time around...25 years and still in awe of her ways. Thanks for the reminder...and ex and I are friends...best to bury hatchets, we learn as we age, that grudges only hurt us...
That’s wonderful to hear! Congratulations!
Thanks for all you do, Susan!
Thank you for that lovely response
This is such good at twice! Thank you so much, Susann. I find your advice to be well, sought true, and very understanding.
I am 58 and starting over again, and your advice will guide me through that process
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you
Of course it should have been advise
My accent, the wrong keyboard and not wearing my readers 🫨
SAME TO YOU!!!
Been watching these videos for 5 years now I think and everyone gets better or my understanding does, maybe both. Learned that there's not much in todays society that's genuine so I'll stay a lone wolf for now.
Settling means accepting a partner who doesn't put an equal effort into the relationship.
I really needed this .. thank you Suzan
It is so damn hard. Met someone I like and can’t sleep. Now he isn’t texting back as quickly. Such a massive, massive headache. I’m 40 and I will probably end up with no hope in the near future.
hang in there. you never know.
I used to feel that way too, I later made decision of proceeding based on how he makes me feel rather than how I feel about him then everything changes. I no longer have the lack mentality that there is only one person and I needed to hold so tightly to him that I lose myself. If I am focusing on what’s in front of my life and stability, the anxiety of waiting for his texts dramatically reduces because now my feelings are no longer defined by his responses or that short lived dopamine of honeymoon stage of longing for someone. I mentally “allowed” everything to happen and people can come and go as do I.
very very helpful information,,,thanks
Thank you for watching!!!
Great topic!
thank you
Loved this content! Thank you!
Videos around the topic of "settling vs remaining realistic", on different components of romantic relationships, would be deeply appreciated. Your thoughts on how to take a cross-section. Eg. quality of companionship, sexual connection, shared sense of humour, shared life project or direction. It seems that the differences between nitpicking, and genuine dissatisfaction, are subtle. So few connections in life are a clear, strong, stable yet resounding "Yes!". Is that what we should be looking for?
My answer is only if you want to keep looking forever. There is no “the one”. Find someone good enough, who is willing to work, and work on it.
Single again. This was not negotiable & he creeped me out when he asked if he could watch me sleep. Um no. Thanks Susan!
Lol omg
Wtf lmfaooo
My first thought was actually that the caller maybe hasn't even voiced their needs & desires-- maybe their partner would actually be willing to make adjustments or compromises!
I like your point about finding out the "why" :)
@@saraxadam3659” after making it exceedingly clear”. (That quote is straight from the video and so important , so many people expect their love interest to read their mind).
Communication certainly can be key especially in the beginning.
Hey, this was my question so happy to answer this! We communicated a LOT, we talked, made plans of action together and tried to carry them out. But my partner was struggling just to keep on top of their own things and didn't have anything left to give energy to me even though they really did want to. Every month we checked in on our plan of action and tried to revise it if we weren't finding it realistic, but very little changed. I've been a long time follower of Susan's work so I knew what to do communication wise! We are now separated and we mutually agreed this was the right choice.
Once a guy is over 50 he's not stupid he knows. Stop trying to pull the flaps over his eyes. He's been through the courts your pretending that its the 50s. Men are not Wilder beast we understand that times have changed
Hi Susan!
Hey gnarly cat!!Great to hear from you. Hope all is well in your world and that you’re enjoying the holiday season.
I wonder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Miss America, do you know how to figure this one out for yourself?
❤❤❤
Sending Love ❤️…Lynda…Are you single?
What’s wrong with introverts? You want flowers? More important things exist 😊
I think everyone has different needs and values in relationships and while there may be nothing 'wrong' with certain traits or differences, and you can still love someone who has those traits, it doesn't mean they are right for you. If the relationship you have doesn't match the relationship you want, the chances are you will never feel at peace in that relationship. I wrote this question in, by the way, and my partner and I made the decision to break up due to our differing needs, and that decision was the right one and the healthiest choice for us.
And to what you wrote about flowers, I didn't realise I was a person who needed flowers, gifts, dates, in a relationship until this relationship! Because this person gave me communication, love, safety that I'd never had before and I realised that those things are all well and good but I personally need someone to demonstrate their love for me and I need to feel celebrated by a partner, especially because I would bring them little gifts and make them dinner and things like that all the time, so to have it not be reciprocated felt hurtful to me, even though they didn't intend to be hurtful at all, they just didn't think like me and that's okay they're still a great person but it's not what I needed.
@@lavandeworld whew, I understand your difficulty in finding a partner …pow… I just read your comments!
It’s about love languages and compatibility. If you don’t like flowers then probably gifts don’t belong on your list of love languages. There’s several more to choose from. So don’t poopoo other people’s choices that are different to yours. Instead realise that they are not the type that you want to date. Simple
@@roberttruman8444 I think it’s beneficial to learn your partner’s love language, and try to accommodate that, instead of obsessing over your own love language. (I’m using the editorial “you” here).