My top question is always - is he a man of integrity and character? If so, he has a teachable spirit, can be trusted, and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. My boyfriend has flaws, but he has more integrity than anyone Ive ever met, and that inspires ME to always improve myself!
Sometimes God brings us a steady slow burn instead of fireworks. I say if you have things to do in common, the same values and future dreams don’t eliminate that person too soon just because your not feeling instant fireworks. The best, long lasting relationships are always friends first.❤️
Well put. Because I have had the experience of unique sexual attraction and we DID last...but we were only connected in this way. It provoked infedility in both of us. We discussed what the problem was (after we ended it). We both say, "we needed more emotionally from each other." So, yes it will establish a bond and even a lasting relationship, BUT it is not the most solid foundation. Nowadays, I am looking for the one that GOd designed me to connect with for the purpose of me helping to meet his purpose assignment; meaning we will have similar passions towards projects and causes. We will also be friends or teammates on projects. I believe this is a more solid foundation. Also, people CAN become more attractive to you over time, vice versa. I always say now, I no longer want to "fall in love," next time I want to be sober, and STAND in love.
my therapist said, wearing high heels will always look pretty but it will cause you back ache. while sneakers might not be that appealing, you still can way WAY longer in them. don’t be too caught up on high heels. you can’t walk in them for a long time.. (meaning the appearance of a person)
I just came here to say please don't chase butterflies or use them as a measurement of anything meaningful. There are times I have felt butterflies but really it was stomach turning due to anxiety because they weren't the right people for me and my body was trying to warn me. Instead look to feel a warm sense of security, comfortablity and safe.
I married a guy that was very incompatible with me. He would like to go out every evening and stay late until the club/bar/restaurant closed down and we always faught about it because I would be tired and sleep deprived the next day. Our marriage lasted 2 years because the incompatibility erroded everything about our relationship. Trips would be difficult too, he would have FOMO if we did not sign up for every excursion that is offered. I compromised in the name of love until I burnt out. "Making it work" because of commitment is a dangerous game so I take it with a grain of salt.
I think these questions are also vital to ask yourself during the relationship because sometimes peoples values and goals change in the mid of the relationship. I was in a 9 year relationship with my ex fiance who at first we were on the same page but slowly red flags kept popping up - my values stayed the same while his behaviour, values and lifestyle completely changed mid way in our relationship. I'm upset at myself for not fessing up earlier because I knew this relationship was no longer serving neither of us. I did everything I could to save the relationship but ultimately it did not work out because you cannot change a person.
I can relate so much to what you're saying... Ended a 13 year relationship last year after realising our goals didn't match anymore. It was hard, painful, because I loved him.
So true! My ex became more and more depressed and I definitely couldn't change that, hard as I tried. I spent three years praying it would change but it was a waste of time. We also didn't have the same faith in God. He refused to pray and go to church with me. Compatible lifestyles are hugely important.
Maybe you met eachother very young , I mean by the age of nearly 25 we mature we change obviously, even later to thirties for men specially But the good news is , mature love is so much better , don’t worry you will find love again 100%
00:50 1. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person? 05:38 2. Do you find it easy or difficult to get your needs met in the relationship? 7:10 3. Is their lifestyle compatible with yours? Do you feel ok with how they spend their free time? 14:27 4. Do you both want the same things in your future and have the same vision for the next 5, 10, 15 years?
1. No 2. No - I have express and told him my needs, asked for his needs too. He never told me his but ignores mine. 3. No and No 4. Yes and no. Both want marriage and kids, he wants it all NOW, I want to spend time with my husband and for children after 2 to 3 years of marriage.
1. Yes; 2. Easy -Yes; 3. Lifestyle compatible- 50/50; feel ok with his time spent-Yes; 4. Want same thing-Yes; 5,10 year… Yes &very likely . … Relationship is hard, harder than a full time job.
I think there has to be a commitment to making the relationship work. If there are lifestyle/personality clashes, a strong emotional connection can lead both people to a place of making space for someone they love.
I liked these questions, especially the first one. I think it's an important element that gets overlooked. I don't expect instant fireworks with someone I'm dating, but I do have to be able to see myself falling in love with that person eventually. To me, that romantic connection is what makes your partner your lover rather than just a good friend.
I rarely feel sexually attracted at the beginning because for me even physical attraction pass from feeling attracted to someone by the way he thinks mostly. They call us sapiosexual, and it is really a physical attraction that happens eventually from knowing and liking how a man think and hold himself mostly, rather than how much muscles he has.
Good point on differences. You can try to fit into another's world even if it's not what you would normally do, but sooner or later the facade would fall and the differences would reveal themselves.
And it also matters if the other is giving you enough space to enter with a neutral perspective. It takes two to tango … the merging of two distinct personalities 🙂
0:50 1) Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person? 5:40 2) Do you find it easy or difficult to get your needs met? 7:12 3) Is their lifestyle compatible with yours? 14:28 4) Do you both want the same things in your future?
So in other words its all about "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" . its what can "I" get " how do "I" benefit, how do "I" feel Notice how none of these things where their is a selfless aspect. its never what can I "give" what can i do to help my partner how can i support them. sure these thing are important but if both sides also think about how to give and support the other then both side get what they need
@@xMckingwill compatibility is not based on what you can do for some. What you are talking about comes afterwards in terms of naturing a relationship after compatibility is established
*The element of fun can very often be fueled by the fact that this person is simply unavailable* A unique sexual attraction may just be us responding to someone who reminds us of someone who hurt us in the past, maybe even a caregiver from our childhood. The very insane chemistry may just be us responding to our childhood trauma and not the fact this is the right person to go for and plan our future with. Very often those that make our knees feel weak, are not the ones we should be starting a family with 💕
Yes the 4th question is most difficult one. Ifwe know that our partner does not want the same thing in the future it deprives us from the happiness in the moment to protect us from major heartbreak in the future. This is so hard to do it.. we must almost switch off our feelings and desires..happening to me at the moment. Fighting the urge not to stay involved with someone who doesn't want to commit.. 😤
Sometimes living together makes you step away from your partner, you only really know someone when you live with him or her. Been through lots of awful stuff in the relationship, now in the process of leaving. I am totally not attracted him anymore, he repulses me, sounds awful but he does. Six years in & I am sure it's the end. It's like a light's been switched on or God has taken away the love I had for him because God knows he is no good for me. He's never had my back & disagrees with everything I say. You have to experience this to understand, its made me ill. Now along with everything else thats wrong in the relationship I have finally had enough. There is more to life than been unhappy. I know I will be happy again once I walk away. You know when enough is enough. I'm 56 & maybe alot of people stay because of their age thinking well I'm in my 40s or 50s I may as well stay in the relationship but I'm not. I'm not thinking about meeting someone new, I want time on my own to recover from the relatioinship & the trauma I have gone through whilst in it. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life. XxX
I felt attracted sexually, friendly and comfortable with a guy. Went out on 3 dates, at the 3 date mark I put in a healthy boundary for myself. Turns out he wanted friends with benefits, isn't very communicative and ghosted me for over a month. Then later told me his facts, he wasn't intentionally ghosting me but he was, and said he wanted certain things. Everything changed when I put in a boundary. It's important for both people to be happy. I made time and room. But he didn't want all of what I wanted. I'm proud of myself for putting in boundaries. It's important I'm a priority not just an option.
The boundary I put in place was simple: Unless I am in a committed relationship I wasn't having sex with him. This means to me I'm valuable, worthy, and my happiness and health is a top priority. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I have wants and needs, my happiness is worth being with someone who values me and wants to be there. The last several guys stated what role they wanted me in.
Ignoring the pain it's going to cause to a future you, have listened to this three times now and each time it gets me. How many times do we ignore small signals that things aren't quite the way we want it to be because we're having fun or we have great chemistry now but deep down inside we know that thing will cause us pain in the future. He's so focused on his work but when we're together we have such a great time or any other excuse we give ourselves.
The part where you’re talking about being with someone now and investing in them now because you have a connection while ignoring the fact of having different ideas and lifestyle and how it’s going to lead to heartbreak and keeping yourself from the right person. Rule: I enjoy the moment unless it’s going to cause many unhappy moments in the future. In that case I can avoid that today- it’s something I have to listen to. It’s an act of wrecklessness and ignorance to your future self and it’s cruel.This part is brilliant 👏👏👏👏
After 40 the most important thing is to be mentally connected it doesn’t matter if we do or don’t like the same thing. if we are mentally connected, we will respect each other, and enjoy what the other likes doing. Everything else will work out eventually including sexual chemistry.
Nope. We need all of this at any age. I’m never going to connect and have a meaningful relationship with a person who doesn’t have similar lifestyle, values and sexual needs. I’m 64 and dated a few good men that just weren’t partner material even though we had a “mental connection “. I didn’t settle for just that. Glad I kept looking and have now found the total package that this video describes.
@@butbutmybutt The older I guess, the less I care about looks. For real. A lot of look issues are easy to fix btw. Bring him to the hairdresser, get a little gel in there, work out together for health, cook healthy foods, brush and floss teeth together, get them into bed early, do face masks together. Body, hair, skin and undereyes will look very different 3 months down the road 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t even need to change their taste in clothes bit maybe they like dressing better when they feel better.
@@BlondeQtie … just No, don’t be a fixer… you are worthy enough to get all you need & desire in an equal partner… with that mindset, the law of attraction will work
@@Amy-tk3wv I don’t say I need to fix anything, I just said it’s easy and it will come without effort. When I cook and they eat veggies instead of fast food, it will show without any effort. If they want to spend time with me, they need to come to workout with me either way, so it will happen naturally that they spend more time in the gym. I met my boyfriend when he was 70 kg, he couldn’t cook properly and didn’t care much about cooking. We got together, he got regular meals, he joined my workouts, he went to bed timely to have cuddle time (he was working in the night life before and partying a lot, so the differences showed quickly). Since he didn’t go to clubs anymore and he wanted to progress in the gym, he didn’t drink alcohol anymore. He came to the gym mostly for the spa part in the beginning, sauna and relaxation. Then he caught interest in working out himself. Now he is 95 kg, a ton of muscles and he loves to experiment in the kitchen and cook heathily to fuel his gains. I didn‘t do anything, I just continued my life and he joined in. I didn‘t pressure him, I didn’t talk him into things, I didn’t force anything. Lead by example. I loved him with 70 kg and his „transformation“ took 5 years. It came all from him. This time span would have been way too long for me if I was looking to fix him. I just like that he looks healthier now, but I wouldn’t love the 70 kg version any less 🤷🏼♀️
I am married. We did fit amazingly together, but I think I changed. Covid made me more outgoing. So I think these topics have to be reevaluated often, so the couple can correct the direction they are going. Before we go entirely separate ways.
What hit deep with me .. it matters a lot if the other is giving you enough space to enter with a neutral perspective. It takes two to tango … the merging of two distinct personalities 🙂. Reciprocating efforts and that is visible within the first three months. All other hurdles can be overcome eventually.
@@iamsobeautifulomg what I meant is both coming in with open minds to stay at least long enough to let the natural personality unfold before passing judgements. With the way things are today … it’s like a game of speed dating 🤷🏽♀️
For point number one, I think physical attraction can possibly grow as you become attracted to them as a person. It has definitely happened to me. But if you are meeting online, I just find that either attraction is instant or is never going to be there. Or at least that's the way it always works for me. I couldn't agree more about being in environments that make you feel sexy. I met a guy online during the pandemic and we only spent time at home. He would only see me in my pajamas. I'm not the type that dresses up a lot or wears a lot of makeup, but I do feel like the house clothes did make me feel less attractive
Yup, physical attraction can definitely grow. TBH - with my late husband, when I met him, there wasn't any physical attraction but I knew when I met him, he was who I was meant to be with. It wasn't his looks that made me fall for him. He was absolutely brilliant. He made me laugh. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world - which was something I never experienced with anyone except with him. I loved him for his mind because he kept me balanced. We were perfect for each other and I honestly believe he was my soul mate. I would tease him and say I only married him for his body (the man was a walking furnace and I was the meat popsicle who always stole his body heat - and he loved it when I did). But with all that he was - I loved who he was and that kept me going for him. I dunno - is intimate attraction a thing? I feel it is and if not - it should be. It was knowing him intimately and wanting him on that deeper level that brought in the physical attraction. To me, I'd rather have my attraction based on what will stay around longer. It might not burn hot and bright, but it keeps burning and is reliable.
I think question 2 takes the cake here. Compatibility of lifestyle doesn't matter if the relationship is strong. If someone has a bad habit, they will fix it if you're worth it. If something is getting in the way and the person isn't willing to change then there's your answer. Shared vision - again I think it's really a subjective thing. Perhaps their vision is actually amazing but you aren't there yet to understand it. In the end, what's more important is that you have a strong connection with this person however I would proceed with caution but perhaps be more open minded about it. I think ultimately it depends on whether you would enjoy their wild future and whether they're willing to change it a bit or entirely for you. I guess in the end it's all dependent on whether both people value each other enough to make changes.
" If someone has a bad habit, they will fix it if you're worth it. " -- Agree with this. For 10 months of my relationship with my ex, he was willing to stop smoking as we both agreed since the very beginning of the relationship it's not a good habit. I was pretty much amazed by this and saw his strong commitment on this. Unfortunately, 4 months before we broke up turned out he broke his own promise to stop smoking and from there I saw and sense that he's not willing to fight for our relationship anymore. And indeed following the event things went downward spiral, and I decided to just end the relationship. It was a good ride, and I've seen the proof of commitment albeit not going towards what I hoped.
You get it wrong- compatible lifestyle is if you share the same kind of lifestyle in maybe job areaa, money wise, what gives you pleasure etc. A farmer and a citygirl e.g are probably having too different lifestyles to be compatible. Vision- if one dreams about a family life in the childhood neighbourhood and the other wants to move to another continent.. then you are not compatible...
@@marimeis6265 the real issue isn't that two people can have different lifestyles or hobbies, what matters is if they're willing to learn and enjoy new activities with other people and I think the problem lies from within if you can't find at least a few.
@@Alixir1228 The huge problem with that is that you're mostly going for potential in any relationship because people change eventually anyway. You can't control everything so you go with the basics and if the change isn't a big deal then you might have to deal with it or compromise.
Thank you so much for this! Let me state an example for people like me who are here because they are second guessing their relationship. 1) I think in the beginning there kind of was, but I wouldn't describe it as this absolutely magical flame of passion thing, no. We are intimate maybe ..4 times per year? (I'm 23, he's 25 by the way) And its bad 2) difficult is an understatement, they aren't met, period.. he is treating me disrespectfully. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, no initiative or true effort. 3) no. He either sleeps, is out for work or sits on the couch with his phone. Well and he occasionally takes our dog out for a walk. 4) he is fine with everything as it is, while i'm still working on my career. He just doesn't want everything to change but I'm just shaping and starting my future. Right, i'm going to break up within the next few days. (That decision is not based on this video, I was going to either way. But it helped!) People (not only ladies), if any of this speaks to you, please stand up for yourself and consider separating. Fear starts in your head, bravery too. (It's kind of a german saying, i translated it)
@@electricityofmind6300 I did. Moved out, started a new life, a few months later actually met someone who surpasses any expectations I could ever have had for any other human being. I'm above the moon. The last year was the hardest of my life, but I'm in the best place ever. Worth it.
3:20 excellent discussion on teasing plus whether a friendship might turn into something else. Is a dicey prop as one person makes the move while the other may be not sure and knows that if she says no, she's lost the friendship too. 9:25 the ability to mesh with another after being single for awhile is spot on, am dealing with this at the moment, people don't see that they've become quite rigid.
Thank You. I've been trying to figure out my relationship if it was working or not. 9 minutes in I've realised we don't work, 1 year down.... Moving on 😥
Liked the 'being a parent' adaptability example 👌🏻😁. Same basic core values & basic future wants & goals is what I look for. It's become much clearer since being in my 40's. I'm happy being single, doing things & meeting new lovely peops & if someone comes along the way then great, if not, I've not put my life on hold & I'm making nice memories along the way 🤷🏼♀️. Cheers Matthew 👍🏻 x
Watching this is making me realise how incompatible my ex and I were! I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, and it would occasionally grow when he treated me well, and then it would die when he’d turn to blame and gaslight me and deny every need I voiced. It killed every bit of attraction I had towards him. I love him as a human, but a life with him would have killed me… i was convinced he didn’t find me sexually attractive either because he wasn’t affectionate? I had to ask him to kiss me more, to come up to me and be affectionate in the pool, to hold my hand… he was always so cold
Had a similar experience. He was 100x more affectionate with his cats than he ever was with me. I think if they're not affectionate with you it's not bc that they just aren't that type of person it's just that they're not that into you. And it probably has nothing to do with you. He's probably been emotionally destroyed either through poor upbringing, to the toxins of society like porn addiction or broken from too many past traumatic failed relationships. Men just can't recover emotionally like women can. People nowadays are seriously warped and really have their priorities screwed up. And what do you do? Hold out forever and hope to win the lottery of finding that rare good guy that every woman wants or make the best of a bad situation? To be realistic the vast majority of us will never find true, lasting love. I think very few couples are happy long-term, the rest just settle. I'm still lonely, but I'm trying my best to focus more on things I enjoy and invest in myself. I've wasted so much time trying to find a match.
We had a great sexual chemistry but we still broke up just because he didn’t want to hurt me. He thought he needed a relationship but not anymore. He said he was a mess. He was not sure what he wanted. “Someone would say I’m stupid to push a wonderful woman like you away. You’re such a sweetest and nicest person I ever met. I can’t hurt you…” I’m so shocked😳
Laughing at the point when friend says just do it. 10 years later climbing out of hole. Sure there has been immense learning these last mostly 6 years. But now I know. And this person was wearing a mask and I ignored the little red flags. I was wreckless, even though I always know how to work it out, but that pattern has been pulled apart and undone.
@@Ohkeh640 know what a healthy relationship should look like and the one to yourself first then one will know boundaries. Jack Butler has a nice vibe, been mendez, Matt Boggs, Matthew Hussey have all help tremendously. 2) spend a lot of time understanding how to feel your intuition and learning to trust it. Those are boundaries knowing what feels good and a zero tolerance for unkind, impolite words. ,
I was not sexually attracted to my boyfriend on the first date. It worried me, but I knew I couldn’t base my opinion on him from the first date. I was very much correct. Now I can’t get enough of the man.
It's absolutely okay for a woman :) Men and women get attraction differently. In general if a man wasn't attracted to a woman in first 10 seconds, you can forget it. Not gonna work. But for women it's different: you can in a way "conquer" her :)
Lifestyle compatibility is important. Simple things like preference to eat out 🍔 or cook at home 🧆 can make a difference. This was a tough one for us at the beginning. 😕 But, now we meal plan and always put at least one if not two nights eating out or getting take out, or I will plan a night out with the girls and we get the best of both. 😎😛😎😛 At the end of the day it is all about CLEAR COMMUNICATION. I learned this and more from Matthew and Steven. 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Sameee. My bf decided we’re weren’t right for each other about 5 weeks ago. I still feel like I would’ve been willing to try harder but when I look at it objectively, I recognize the things neither of us were getting that we needed. The only one I could answer a confident “yes” in was #1😭 Who knows what would have happened with better communication, but I will never know if that would have been enough.
The more I listen to you, Matthew, the more i feel that you, nail it. I'm thrilled also that you use your brothers ideas to bounce off. So nice.... I am not in a searching situation. I'm just interested in the subject of ❤️ love because i discovered real love for the first time at the age of 55.. i was sexually abused repeatedly from the age of 4 to 5 before i was able to remove myself from the predator...which i had to do of my own will. My mum dismissed my story ...when i told her....but i understood somehow that what was going on was wrong .my adolescence was a nightmare because of the sexual abuse of my early childhood. Sexual advances were ver scary for me. I just froze. It was not even possible for me to talk about it after mum's refusal to listen ,l.. since my adulthood i have informed my lovers before I could bond with them It's been an important part of my development because i couldn't bare to be sexually abused anymore. To find live unexpectedly at 55 was a fantastic experience 😀 that has opened up the wonderful world of true sexuality 💜
Hi Matthew! I've been following your videos for quite a few years now, and there's a lot of subjects that you covered. I really love that when discussing about dating and how to "get the guy", you don't just throw in clichees, but rather focus on personal development for each. I have a situation that you didn't cover in one full video: I've turned 30 this year and I've been together with a man for almost 8 years. We've met during master's degree (tough times, hard to find a job afterwards, not enough money to pay for a proper rent and so on). We got married 2 years ago (during the pandemic, so we had no big party/ not that I felt like having one). When we initially got together we had very little dating experience, it was our first serious/longer than a month relationship. The problem that we're facing is that as time passed by, each time we were struggling to fix something (get a better rent, better job, learn new stuff), and because he is/was not a very active person, unlike me, we ended up doing our activities separately (none of us wanted to force the other one to go do that they didn't want to). After years, this led us to a point where we don't really have any tension and/or any activities together. We've seen a couples therapist a few times, but all he focused on was whether we discuss our problems together or not (we do, communication works fine, even though I'm anxious and he's avoidant, we somehow manage to communicate ok). My problem is that: - we worked a lot to make this relationship work, and it's definitely worth saving (we seem to work good together to make stuff work, we know each other, we can trust each other/ none of us is a jerk or was at any point) - I can't see myself living for the rest of my life next to someone for which I feel empathy and some sort of friendship/love, but no sexual desire. At some point, 1.5 years ago, I started to work harder on my appearance (gym/posture, clothes), and I started to get more attention from other guys. My husband started to this as well, hit the gym and other stuff, because we discussed the issue. But he's doing this just because he feels like he should, keeps eating junk, we still don't get at least one weekly park walk or meal out, and when we do, it feels forced and artificial. Can you share your thoughts in a video about long term relationships where people end up growing in separate directions? And how to keep some sort of butterflies alive when living together in the same house for so long?
I went through something similar and spent years staying when it was meant to be over. It finally got to a stalemate and I wish I left sooner. Don’t waste your time if you’ve both tried everything and it’s just not compatible anymore.
Are you sure the grass will be greener elsewhere? Maybe at some point life just gets routine. Many women leaving relationships only to cry about being lonely later. Could hormones be playing a role? You guys still have good communication and he's doing his role as provider, plus has not cheated on you. No grounds for a biblical divorce here. Maybe it just feels boring but sometimes life just settles into this. Do you want children? Do you have other things to keep you stimulated? What about other circle of friends? The man can't meet all of our social needs. Maybe find more passions for yourself, and come home newly energized, then it might spill over onto him. It is rough that he's eating junk bc that will drain your energy. Maybe you guys have that kind of relationship where you need things to do to keep it going. So when it's just you two alone, is the conversation stale? Could you specify identity what he could do to make you more interested? Be funnier, be more attentive, be more interesting... What do you think?
You should feel sexual attraction, but just so you know sometimes it takes getting to know someone better to have that attraction because of commonalities or simply enjoying each other's company each time we see each other and learning more about each other intimately and I don't mean sexual intimacy
I think the biggest components are: Is there trust, respect, and admire each other? Do you have the same values? Are you compatible? Do you work well as a team? Do you have connection? Do you communicate well? Can you have difficult conversations? Do you fight for each other? No abuse in the relationship? Is this a healthy relationship with no toxicity? Do both of you have strong boundaries? Do both of you know what your mission and vision is? Is this a reciprocal relationship? Do they build you up and make your life better? Do they challenge you and call you out on your BS? Is there accountability in the relationship? Have they done the hard work on themselves? Are they meeting your top 5 needs and likewise? Etc. Do they teach you how to love them and vice versa?
I think Matthew brings up a good point about “enjoying” the relationship in the moment. I do wonder if there should be a distinction between “enjoying” the relationship and crossing the line into “needing” the relationship. Matthew, would you consider that maybe people are communicating the softer “enjoy” instead of appropriately identifying a feeling of “need” in the relationship now, which might actually be keeping them from acting on a foresight? Do you think that if we made a distinction between those two feelings that your thoughts or advice would change? I say this as Mindfulness really is a feeling of being in the moment. It’s not a feeling of needing this moment. Past, present, or future - if you hold on too tightly to any, then a pathology develops, no?
Thanks so much for clarifying something that I have been trying to work out for the last twelve months - for putting an end to what has been an agonising decision that I now realise would be "cruel to my future self". I applaud you for your insight Matt, and for sharing it with the world. You're the best!
Could you guys talk about men and feelings? My ex was super empathetic and had very high emotional intelligence level and it was super normal to talk about feelings with him and he actually taught me to open up emotionally. Is that a rare thing?
Yess, you spend most of your life with your partner and it's so basic yet so hard to find someone who understands instead of tolarating you. All the best!! In most of the relationship everything will be perfect but communication and it sucks.
Ufff this video is perfect for my situation... I know things cannot really workout with this guy because we want very different things... But I have decided to go with the flow even if it will mean hurt in the future... We're such illogical creatures 😂
thank you two so much for this wonderful dialogue! Just what I needed after I have moved on from a too difficult situation with someone and those questions clearly show me this decision was right. Matt, you have such a great way of putting things into words, amazing. Stephen, you are so funny and charming, would be fun to be taken into your beast-castle for a while 😅.
Is he right for you?? Well I would say Go by the Vibes n not by words. Dont b hasty o hurried manner..Meet him o her on different occasions like fr eg wen they had a bad work day o wen they are with their parents ,frends etc.. how do they come across,?? understand that.. your own voice ur own judgement will tell you whether he is Mr. Right fr you.
Very good.i think question four is about knowing ones principles and boundarys.it requires awareness of one's aim in life.and whether the person I'm with is someone who is open to communicate honestly. More often people just say what the other wants to hear at a given moment .if I ever reach that point with someone again .honesty is my top priority.
20:17 "Don't be so busy enjoying the chemistry, and the fun, and the attraction in the NOW, that you ignore a massive amount of pain that's coming, that will be an act of recklessness and ignorance towards a future you...We need to take the view that we should do things TODAY that our FUTURE SELVES will thank us for...It's a cruel act to a future you, to do something that feels good today, that will cause HER a ton of pain." ❤💗🤜🤛👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 Perfectly said. Thank you Matthew!!!! 🙏🏼 You cleared up a very hard decision I have to make about cutting off a long distance relationship with a man who us such a nice guy, and fun to be around, but our 5 year plans are vastly different, as well as where we want to live. I know what I need to do now, and I know my future self will thank me...Thank you Matthew. You are living your calling and helping a lot of people with your channel. God bless you 🙏🏼 🙏🏼 🙏🏼
Thank you for addressing the life goals point. I am just starting to date someone who I have fantastic chemistry with, but we don't align on kids. Just like you said, my friends are telling me not to worry about it. However, I know this will end poorly and I will break my own heart in the process if I stay with him.
@@krizuman I ended up talking to him. Told him that I definitely do not want kids and it's not going to change. He ended up changing his mind on the spot. This was a bit of a red flag to me that he wasn't being genuine and was just trying to appeal to me. I started to notice he was doing that in several parts of the relationship, so I ended up leaving the relationship. I want someone who is their own person. I noticed some people judged me about bringing up kids on the second date, but I don't think it's weird. My time is precious to me, and I don't want to waste it on a guy that doesn't match my own life goals
@@TheseWhiteNights thanks for replying. On my second date with a woman, she told me she doesn’t want kids and I told her I do. We have great chemistry. I’m agonising over it. I think I have to ask her if she’s 100% certain and whether she thinks she’ll ever change her mind. If she’s fully set on being child-free I’ll have to let her go. It’s just sad, feels very difficult to find a compatible person.
@@krizuman I get that. Though Hussey always says in his videos there's tons of people, it's so much mental work to go through people to find a match. Then when you finally find someone you like, you have to make sure life goals also match (for the deal breaker ones). I'd love to hear how yours pans out, I hope it works out for you :)
@@TheseWhiteNights I spoke with her and she said there’s basically no chance of her mind changing. She wanted to just be in the moment and enjoy it. But I said I don’t think I can give her 100% if in the back of my mind I know we don’t share the same future vision. She appreciated my strength and honesty and how I handled the discussion. Part of me thinks I’m crazy and overthinking; it’s not like I can have kids anytime soon anyway. Am I just sabotaging a potentially good relationship by thinking too far ahead? I don’t know. Just trying to do what’s right, not what’s easy. It hurts, and it hurt her too. But it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to change. It’s sad though, and it’s difficult to know whether I did the right thing or not.
I wish I saw it years ago. I’ve made all of the mistakes stated in the video. I can only be thankful for cutting my loses eventually, and not getting married and having kids with my ex. I’m sorry for wasting her time and hurting her.
Everybody these days try to control the narrative. CHILL! Let things happen naturally, keep your eyes open for red flags. But stop with making the guy chase you or play jealousy games.
We were perfect together and for each other. But he realised he never got over his ex (that he still sees once in a while with other friends). So decided to break things up and stay single for a good while... 3 days before he told me he wanted to spend his life with me and that he loved me. I'm totally crushed and lost...
Thank you for sharing examples and diving deeper into each question and breaking things down so its relatable. Keep these type of episodes coming. Great perspective on compatibility because I have made big mistakes by not being mindful of that.
What to do if you love someone sooo much but this person have a different perspective of a good future and good life. Like religion, life style, family. I know I will suffer in the future with him, but I’m so in love with him for 3 years now that I’m thinking about giving up on everything that I ever wanted in my life just for him, please help me, I’m depressed, I can’t imagine myself with someone else and I can’t handle the idea of him being with someone else
I dated a lot of men to get to know different characters and find out what qualities I am looking for. Including fleeting encounters and acquaintances (so not dating them 1 on 1), I might have met around 3,000 men that are in the right age span to date. I didn‘t like any of them so much that I can really consider a future with them. I am now in a not super serious relationship, but we both enjoy the company and friendship and no big heartbreak will happen in the end 🤷🏼♀️ Sometimes waiting for „perfect“ is not the best way, sometimes you need to find „perfect“ in what you have. I am still looking around (and yes he knows), but I gotta say, there aren’t many quality men around 🧐 I haven’t met a single really awesome guy in my life (down to earth, genuinely nice, responsible, keeping his flat clean, having a stable job, being a good listener and communicator, stuff like that).
Thank you for this one! Im very much struggling to see where to place this person that i like, but i don't know how to give him a place in my life. Also because i don't even have my own vision (for the next years) straight.
This post is so timely, such good questions to revisit and hear both your thoughts on the subjects. Oh and they are such gooooood answers!….. It’s a beautiful thing to find a true friendship connection & true romantic love together. Where the heart can become one, then your worlds entwined together. Pairing for life - like two swans 🦢 & have doves eyes for each other. 🕊 a love that lifts you up on eagles wings 🦅 above the mountains & storms. I believe we make room for each other, compromise, find solutions, re-calibrate, as a team together when you begin to build and make a future you both love, see, feel & your passionate about. It sure is important to know what you want & then ask the questions before you commit in for life. (Some wisdom I would have told myself many years ago if I knew it.) I think it can be inspiring and connective to speak boldly in love about what you want for your life, listening to what’s important to them…getting to know each other being open & then they can see a real future with them if they choose too, Not one they alone think they could have but practically see together a world they can build & a life they love living in🙏🤗❤️ thanks for sharing x
Interesting number 4. It depends on how old you are you may not have a specific 10 year plan but I am close to turning 50. And live in Australia. I say this because here many people by the time they get to retirement age they want to pack up and head to a farm meaning out bush nowhere near or several hours drive to a main town or city... or going caravaning around the country...or something like that. So for me thats a big no because its not where or how I see my future lifestyle!
I agree with friends first but attraction is a must for me. Honestly I tried dating someone I really like but wasn't attracted to and almost vomited when he kissed me. Wasn't there.
Sometimes i let YT to guide me tonthe right videos. This is exactly what i am going through. The guy I was with and i were not compatible due to his lack compromise. He said he compromised enough in his last relationships that he doesnt have enough to do it anymore.
It would be interesting to hear from you guys about MBTI compatibility, so you think is it valid to look for a compatible partner from that perspective?
100%. My ideal partner would be an ENFP. I'm an INTJ. I definitely notice I'm attracted to "FP" men - feeler/perceiver types to balance out my thinking/judging preferences. To note, I believe it was David Kiersey, author of the "Understand Me" series regarding MBTI, who thought the best partnerships involved pairs of opposite functions, but how pairs process information, i.e.: intuitive or sensing, staying the same. I.e.: ENFP/INTJ
What if I’ve answered “yes” to all these questions but the guy is just moving too fast? If I still want to pursue the relationship but need to slow it down?
I have a friend who has MS... And he is wonderful. I keep asking myself can i deal with the pain of seeing him suffer in the future?.. I cant imagine i could, i never feel that strong... But could i imagine him doing it alone? I absolutly can not. If i love him and we are happy... I can endure that kind of struggle. There is always a struggle to be had.
I finally found someone I have serious chemistry with for the first time in 40 years and circumstances out of our control took him away from me. 😓 it's been 6 months that we have been apart and I can't get to him. Life is cruel.
Such a great topic because I asked this often to myself everytime I meet someone who showed their love but sad to say not yet meet in person just only in online chatting it's really hard to distinguish the true feelings and intentions of a man unless you didn't meet him personally so I always end up asking this question is he the right guy for me? Anyway I give my thumbs up for this informative video ☺👍
My top question is always - is he a man of integrity and character? If so, he has a teachable spirit, can be trusted, and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. My boyfriend has flaws, but he has more integrity than anyone Ive ever met, and that inspires ME to always improve myself!
Sometimes God brings us a steady slow burn instead of fireworks. I say if you have things to do in common, the same values and future dreams don’t eliminate that person too soon just because your not feeling instant fireworks. The best, long lasting relationships are always friends first.❤️
Well put. Because I have had the experience of unique sexual attraction and we DID last...but we were only connected in this way. It provoked infedility in both of us. We discussed what the problem was (after we ended it). We both say, "we needed more emotionally from each other." So, yes it will establish a bond and even a lasting relationship, BUT it is not the most solid foundation. Nowadays, I am looking for the one that GOd designed me to connect with for the purpose of me helping to meet his purpose assignment; meaning we will have similar passions towards projects and causes. We will also be friends or teammates on projects. I believe this is a more solid foundation. Also, people CAN become more attractive to you over time, vice versa. I always say now, I no longer want to "fall in love," next time I want to be sober, and STAND in love.
True except for the god part
my therapist said, wearing high heels will always look pretty but it will cause you back ache. while sneakers might not be that appealing, you still can way WAY longer in them. don’t be too caught up on high heels. you can’t walk in them for a long time.. (meaning the appearance of a person)
A slow burn us still a spark but if you don't feel anything it won't work
whyyyy does it feel so good to be bad thennnnn ughh
I just came here to say please don't chase butterflies or use them as a measurement of anything meaningful. There are times I have felt butterflies but really it was stomach turning due to anxiety because they weren't the right people for me and my body was trying to warn me. Instead look to feel a warm sense of security, comfortablity and safe.
I married a guy that was very incompatible with me. He would like to go out every evening and stay late until the club/bar/restaurant closed down and we always faught about it because I would be tired and sleep deprived the next day. Our marriage lasted 2 years because the incompatibility erroded everything about our relationship. Trips would be difficult too, he would have FOMO if we did not sign up for every excursion that is offered. I compromised in the name of love until I burnt out. "Making it work" because of commitment is a dangerous game so I take it with a grain of salt.
Hearing you guys discuss those topics really hits differently than just thinking about it in my head. Thank you for the great reminder!
I think these questions are also vital to ask yourself during the relationship because sometimes peoples values and goals change in the mid of the relationship. I was in a 9 year relationship with my ex fiance who at first we were on the same page but slowly red flags kept popping up - my values stayed the same while his behaviour, values and lifestyle completely changed mid way in our relationship. I'm upset at myself for not fessing up earlier because I knew this relationship was no longer serving neither of us. I did everything I could to save the relationship but ultimately it did not work out because you cannot change a person.
I can relate so much to what you're saying... Ended a 13 year relationship last year after realising our goals didn't match anymore. It was hard, painful, because I loved him.
@@vp5134 how did you do it? How did you cope with what happened after?
So true! My ex became more and more depressed and I definitely couldn't change that, hard as I tried. I spent three years praying it would change but it was a waste of time. We also didn't have the same faith in God. He refused to pray and go to church with me. Compatible lifestyles are hugely important.
That’s deep. I love it 🙏
Maybe you met eachother very young , I mean by the age of nearly 25 we mature we change obviously, even later to thirties for men specially
But the good news is , mature love is so much better , don’t worry you will find love again 100%
00:50 1. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person?
05:38 2. Do you find it easy or difficult to get your needs met in the relationship?
7:10 3. Is their lifestyle compatible with yours? Do you feel ok with how they spend their free time?
14:27 4. Do you both want the same things in your future and have the same vision for the next 5, 10, 15 years?
1. No
2. No - I have express and told him my needs, asked for his needs too. He never told me his but ignores mine.
3. No and No
4. Yes and no. Both want marriage and kids, he wants it all NOW, I want to spend time with my husband and for children after 2 to 3 years of marriage.
@@vikki8699 RUN!! :)
1.Yes
2.Yes and No
3.a)Yes,b)No
4.Yes
It's so complicated
1. Yes; 2. Easy -Yes; 3. Lifestyle compatible- 50/50; feel ok with his time spent-Yes; 4. Want same thing-Yes; 5,10 year… Yes &very likely . … Relationship is hard, harder than a full time job.
Same here.
1. Yes
2. Yes and no
3. Definitely no
4. Definitely yes
I'm so conflicted right now...
I think there has to be a commitment to making the relationship work. If there are lifestyle/personality clashes, a strong emotional connection can lead both people to a place of making space for someone they love.
I liked these questions, especially the first one. I think it's an important element that gets overlooked. I don't expect instant fireworks with someone I'm dating, but I do have to be able to see myself falling in love with that person eventually. To me, that romantic connection is what makes your partner your lover rather than just a good friend.
Lacking compromise is so sad. You can’t be selfish in relationships. X
Being accommodating is a great word indeed.
Let them play golf. It's good to have separate interest. Just make sure you find things to do together you BOTH enjoy.
I rarely feel sexually attracted at the beginning because for me even physical attraction pass from feeling attracted to someone by the way he thinks mostly. They call us sapiosexual, and it is really a physical attraction that happens eventually from knowing and liking how a man think and hold himself mostly, rather than how much muscles he has.
Totally agree
Good point on differences. You can try to fit into another's world even if it's not what you would normally do, but sooner or later the facade would fall and the differences would reveal themselves.
And it also matters if the other is giving you enough space to enter with a neutral perspective. It takes two to tango … the merging of two distinct personalities 🙂
0:50 1) Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to this person?
5:40 2) Do you find it easy or difficult to get your needs met?
7:12 3) Is their lifestyle compatible with yours?
14:28 4) Do you both want the same things in your future?
Thank you for the time stamps 🙏🏼✨
Tysm. Was hoping to find this
Thank you for saving me a lot of time 🙂
So in other words its all about "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" . its what can "I" get " how do "I" benefit, how do "I" feel Notice how none of these things where their is a selfless aspect. its never what can I "give" what can i do to help my partner how can i support them.
sure these thing are important but if both sides also think about how to give and support the other then both side get what they need
@@xMckingwill compatibility is not based on what you can do for some. What you are talking about comes afterwards in terms of naturing a relationship after compatibility is established
*The element of fun can very often be fueled by the fact that this person is simply unavailable*
A unique sexual attraction may just be us responding to someone who reminds us of someone who hurt us in the past, maybe even a caregiver from our childhood.
The very insane chemistry may just be us responding to our childhood trauma and not the fact this is the right person to go for and plan our future with.
Very often those that make our knees feel weak, are not the ones we should be starting a family with 💕
Oh dear, that resonates so much. Thank you 🙏🏽
This is true and I have figured it out as a red flag.
Yes the 4th question is most difficult one. Ifwe know that our partner does not want the same thing in the future it deprives us from the happiness in the moment to protect us from major heartbreak in the future. This is so hard to do it.. we must almost switch off our feelings and desires..happening to me at the moment. Fighting the urge not to stay involved with someone who doesn't want to commit.. 😤
Sometimes living together makes you step away from your partner, you only really know someone when you live with him or her. Been through lots of awful stuff in the relationship, now in the process of leaving. I am totally not attracted him anymore, he repulses me, sounds awful but he does. Six years in & I am sure it's the end. It's like a light's been switched on or God has taken away the love I had for him because God knows he is no good for me. He's never had my back & disagrees with everything I say. You have to experience this to understand, its made me ill. Now along with everything else thats wrong in the relationship I have finally had enough. There is more to life than been unhappy. I know I will be happy again once I walk away. You know when enough is enough. I'm 56 & maybe alot of people stay because of their age thinking well I'm in my 40s or 50s I may as well stay in the relationship but I'm not. I'm not thinking about meeting someone new, I want time on my own to recover from the relatioinship & the trauma I have gone through whilst in it. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life. XxX
I felt attracted sexually, friendly and comfortable with a guy. Went out on 3 dates, at the 3 date mark I put in a healthy boundary for myself. Turns out he wanted friends with benefits, isn't very communicative and ghosted me for over a month. Then later told me his facts, he wasn't intentionally ghosting me but he was, and said he wanted certain things. Everything changed when I put in a boundary. It's important for both people to be happy. I made time and room. But he didn't want all of what I wanted. I'm proud of myself for putting in boundaries. It's important I'm a priority not just an option.
Well done!
what was your healthy boundary? on date 3 did you ask him what he was looking for, is that what you mean? just curious for myself :)
And have u found a partner yet?
The boundary I put in place was simple: Unless I am in a committed relationship I wasn't having sex with him. This means to me I'm valuable, worthy, and my happiness and health is a top priority. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I have wants and needs, my happiness is worth being with someone who values me and wants to be there. The last several guys stated what role they wanted me in.
He sounds like a dismissive avoidant. You can’t change them. Keep setting those boundaries. You’ll find someone who’s great for you
The person I’m dating right now is a friend from 30 years ago. We connected 9 months ago and I feel so great with him I feel I’m with my soulmate 🥰
😂 I love the dynamic between you both! And the mixture of lightheadedness and advice is super relatable and keeps everything interesting!
Hi I want your opinion what if I met a man from a different country and feel a big connection what should I do
@@cookingkelly1192 dont bother. always ends in shit. find someone local.
Light-heartedness? Light headed = dizzy lol
@@cookingkelly1192 Unless you are meeting in person, I believe it is a fantasy/projection....
@@bronfoth That's definitely what I was meant to say, I probably misspelled it and it autocorrected strange 😂
Enjoying it now really leads to MAJOR heartbreak. Speaking from experience.
Ignoring the pain it's going to cause to a future you, have listened to this three times now and each time it gets me. How many times do we ignore small signals that things aren't quite the way we want it to be because we're having fun or we have great chemistry now but deep down inside we know that thing will cause us pain in the future. He's so focused on his work but when we're together we have such a great time or any other excuse we give ourselves.
The part where you’re talking about being with someone now and investing in them now because you have a connection while ignoring the fact of having different ideas and lifestyle and how it’s going to lead to heartbreak and keeping yourself from the right person. Rule: I enjoy the moment unless it’s going to cause many unhappy moments in the future. In that case I can avoid that today- it’s something I have to listen to. It’s an act of wrecklessness and ignorance to your future self and it’s cruel.This part is brilliant 👏👏👏👏
After 40 the most important thing is to be mentally connected it doesn’t matter if we do or don’t like the same thing. if we are mentally connected, we will respect each other, and enjoy what the other likes doing. Everything else will work out eventually including sexual chemistry.
No, it's about looks
Nope. We need all of this at any age. I’m never going to connect and have a meaningful relationship with a person who doesn’t have similar lifestyle, values and sexual needs. I’m 64 and dated a few good men that just weren’t partner material even though we had a “mental connection “. I didn’t settle for just that. Glad I kept looking and have now found the total package that this video describes.
@@butbutmybutt The older I guess, the less I care about looks. For real. A lot of look issues are easy to fix btw. Bring him to the hairdresser, get a little gel in there, work out together for health, cook healthy foods, brush and floss teeth together, get them into bed early, do face masks together. Body, hair, skin and undereyes will look very different 3 months down the road 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t even need to change their taste in clothes bit maybe they like dressing better when they feel better.
@@BlondeQtie … just No, don’t be a fixer… you are worthy enough to get all you need & desire in an equal partner… with that mindset, the law of attraction will work
@@Amy-tk3wv I don’t say I need to fix anything, I just said it’s easy and it will come without effort. When I cook and they eat veggies instead of fast food, it will show without any effort. If they want to spend time with me, they need to come to workout with me either way, so it will happen naturally that they spend more time in the gym. I met my boyfriend when he was 70 kg, he couldn’t cook properly and didn’t care much about cooking. We got together, he got regular meals, he joined my workouts, he went to bed timely to have cuddle time (he was working in the night life before and partying a lot, so the differences showed quickly). Since he didn’t go to clubs anymore and he wanted to progress in the gym, he didn’t drink alcohol anymore. He came to the gym mostly for the spa part in the beginning, sauna and relaxation. Then he caught interest in working out himself. Now he is 95 kg, a ton of muscles and he loves to experiment in the kitchen and cook heathily to fuel his gains.
I didn‘t do anything, I just continued my life and he joined in. I didn‘t pressure him, I didn’t talk him into things, I didn’t force anything. Lead by example. I loved him with 70 kg and his „transformation“ took 5 years. It came all from him. This time span would have been way too long for me if I was looking to fix him. I just like that he looks healthier now, but I wouldn’t love the 70 kg version any less 🤷🏼♀️
I am married. We did fit amazingly together, but I think I changed. Covid made me more outgoing. So I think these topics have to be reevaluated often, so the couple can correct the direction they are going. Before we go entirely separate ways.
Hope y'all can work through it
I wish you both happiness
What hit deep with me .. it matters a lot if the other is giving you enough space to enter with a neutral perspective. It takes two to tango … the merging of two distinct personalities 🙂. Reciprocating efforts and that is visible within the first three months. All other hurdles can be overcome eventually.
What does that mean? An example would help.
Mpopp
@@iamsobeautifulomg what I meant is both coming in with open minds to stay at least long enough to let the natural personality unfold before passing judgements. With the way things are today … it’s like a game of speed dating 🤷🏽♀️
For point number one, I think physical attraction can possibly grow as you become attracted to them as a person. It has definitely happened to me.
But if you are meeting online, I just find that either attraction is instant or is never going to be there. Or at least that's the way it always works for me.
I couldn't agree more about being in environments that make you feel sexy. I met a guy online during the pandemic and we only spent time at home. He would only see me in my pajamas. I'm not the type that dresses up a lot or wears a lot of makeup, but I do feel like the house clothes did make me feel less attractive
I agree. If there’s enough common interest and they don’t annoy the shot out of you lol 😂
Yup, physical attraction can definitely grow. TBH - with my late husband, when I met him, there wasn't any physical attraction but I knew when I met him, he was who I was meant to be with. It wasn't his looks that made me fall for him. He was absolutely brilliant. He made me laugh. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world - which was something I never experienced with anyone except with him. I loved him for his mind because he kept me balanced. We were perfect for each other and I honestly believe he was my soul mate. I would tease him and say I only married him for his body (the man was a walking furnace and I was the meat popsicle who always stole his body heat - and he loved it when I did). But with all that he was - I loved who he was and that kept me going for him. I dunno - is intimate attraction a thing? I feel it is and if not - it should be. It was knowing him intimately and wanting him on that deeper level that brought in the physical attraction. To me, I'd rather have my attraction based on what will stay around longer. It might not burn hot and bright, but it keeps burning and is reliable.
I think question 2 takes the cake here.
Compatibility of lifestyle doesn't matter if the relationship is strong. If someone has a bad habit, they will fix it if you're worth it. If something is getting in the way and the person isn't willing to change then there's your answer.
Shared vision - again I think it's really a subjective thing. Perhaps their vision is actually amazing but you aren't there yet to understand it. In the end, what's more important is that you have a strong connection with this person however I would proceed with caution but perhaps be more open minded about it. I think ultimately it depends on whether you would enjoy their wild future and whether they're willing to change it a bit or entirely for you. I guess in the end it's all dependent on whether both people value each other enough to make changes.
" If someone has a bad habit, they will fix it if you're worth it. " -- Agree with this. For 10 months of my relationship with my ex, he was willing to stop smoking as we both agreed since the very beginning of the relationship it's not a good habit. I was pretty much amazed by this and saw his strong commitment on this. Unfortunately, 4 months before we broke up turned out he broke his own promise to stop smoking and from there I saw and sense that he's not willing to fight for our relationship anymore. And indeed following the event things went downward spiral, and I decided to just end the relationship. It was a good ride, and I've seen the proof of commitment albeit not going towards what I hoped.
You shouldn't get into a relationship with someone hoping they will change... then you're dating potential.
You get it wrong- compatible lifestyle is if you share the same kind of lifestyle in maybe job areaa, money wise, what gives you pleasure etc.
A farmer and a citygirl e.g are probably having too different lifestyles to be compatible.
Vision- if one dreams about a family life in the childhood neighbourhood and the other wants to move to another continent.. then you are not compatible...
@@marimeis6265 the real issue isn't that two people can have different lifestyles or hobbies, what matters is if they're willing to learn and enjoy new activities with other people and I think the problem lies from within if you can't find at least a few.
@@Alixir1228 The huge problem with that is that you're mostly going for potential in any relationship because people change eventually anyway. You can't control everything so you go with the basics and if the change isn't a big deal then you might have to deal with it or compromise.
Thank you so much for this! Let me state an example for people like me who are here because they are second guessing their relationship.
1) I think in the beginning there kind of was, but I wouldn't describe it as this absolutely magical flame of passion thing, no. We are intimate maybe ..4 times per year? (I'm 23, he's 25 by the way) And its bad
2) difficult is an understatement, they aren't met, period.. he is treating me disrespectfully. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, no initiative or true effort.
3) no. He either sleeps, is out for work or sits on the couch with his phone. Well and he occasionally takes our dog out for a walk.
4) he is fine with everything as it is, while i'm still working on my career. He just doesn't want everything to change but I'm just shaping and starting my future.
Right, i'm going to break up within the next few days. (That decision is not based on this video, I was going to either way. But it helped!)
People (not only ladies), if any of this speaks to you, please stand up for yourself and consider separating. Fear starts in your head, bravery too. (It's kind of a german saying, i translated it)
did you?
@@electricityofmind6300
I did. Moved out, started a new life, a few months later actually met someone who surpasses any expectations I could ever have had for any other human being. I'm above the moon. The last year was the hardest of my life, but I'm in the best place ever. Worth it.
Matthew Hussey..u r a blessing to the world..
3:20 excellent discussion on teasing plus whether a friendship might turn into something else. Is a dicey prop as one person makes the move while the other may be not sure and knows that if she says no, she's lost the friendship too.
9:25 the ability to mesh with another after being single for awhile is spot on, am dealing with this at the moment, people don't see that they've become quite rigid.
Thank You. I've been trying to figure out my relationship if it was working or not. 9 minutes in I've realised we don't work, 1 year down.... Moving on 😥
Connection over chemistry 💥
Liked the 'being a parent' adaptability example 👌🏻😁. Same basic core values & basic future wants & goals is what I look for. It's become much clearer since being in my 40's. I'm happy being single, doing things & meeting new lovely peops & if someone comes along the way then great, if not, I've not put my life on hold & I'm making nice memories along the way 🤷🏼♀️. Cheers Matthew 👍🏻 x
Watching this is making me realise how incompatible my ex and I were! I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, and it would occasionally grow when he treated me well, and then it would die when he’d turn to blame and gaslight me and deny every need I voiced. It killed every bit of attraction I had towards him. I love him as a human, but a life with him would have killed me… i was convinced he didn’t find me sexually attractive either because he wasn’t affectionate? I had to ask him to kiss me more, to come up to me and be affectionate in the pool, to hold my hand… he was always so cold
Had a similar experience. He was 100x more affectionate with his cats than he ever was with me. I think if they're not affectionate with you it's not bc that they just aren't that type of person it's just that they're not that into you. And it probably has nothing to do with you. He's probably been emotionally destroyed either through poor upbringing, to the toxins of society like porn addiction or broken from too many past traumatic failed relationships. Men just can't recover emotionally like women can. People nowadays are seriously warped and really have their priorities screwed up. And what do you do? Hold out forever and hope to win the lottery of finding that rare good guy that every woman wants or make the best of a bad situation? To be realistic the vast majority of us will never find true, lasting love. I think very few couples are happy long-term, the rest just settle. I'm still lonely, but I'm trying my best to focus more on things I enjoy and invest in myself. I've wasted so much time trying to find a match.
We had a great sexual chemistry but we still broke up just because he didn’t want to hurt me. He thought he needed a relationship but not anymore. He said he was a mess. He was not sure what he wanted. “Someone would say I’m stupid to push a wonderful woman like you away. You’re such a sweetest and nicest person I ever met. I can’t hurt you…” I’m so shocked😳
He sounds like a user. Good riddance.
He’s not that into you.
dismissive avoidant - look it up
Laughing at the point when friend says just do it. 10 years later climbing out of hole. Sure there has been immense learning these last mostly 6 years. But now I know. And this person was wearing a mask and I ignored the little red flags. I was wreckless, even though I always know how to work it out, but that pattern has been pulled apart and undone.
Any tips for us all?
@@Ohkeh640 know what a healthy relationship should look like and the one to yourself first then one will know boundaries. Jack Butler has a nice vibe, been mendez, Matt Boggs, Matthew Hussey have all help tremendously. 2) spend a lot of time understanding how to feel your intuition and learning to trust it. Those are boundaries knowing what feels good and a zero tolerance for unkind, impolite words. ,
I was not sexually attracted to my boyfriend on the first date. It worried me, but I knew I couldn’t base my opinion on him from the first date. I was very much correct.
Now I can’t get enough of the man.
It's absolutely okay for a woman :) Men and women get attraction differently. In general if a man wasn't attracted to a woman in first 10 seconds, you can forget it. Not gonna work. But for women it's different: you can in a way "conquer" her :)
I love watching you and your brother : how adorable is Steve 🥰🥰
I agree.
Lifestyle compatibility is important. Simple things like preference to eat out 🍔 or cook at home 🧆 can make a difference. This was a tough one for us at the beginning. 😕 But, now we meal plan and always put at least one if not two nights eating out or getting take out, or I will plan a night out with the girls and we get the best of both. 😎😛😎😛
At the end of the day it is all about CLEAR COMMUNICATION. I learned this and more from Matthew and Steven. 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Holy biscuits, this hit home. I answered "no" to three of the four questions 😢
Sameee. My bf decided we’re weren’t right for each other about 5 weeks ago. I still feel like I would’ve been willing to try harder but when I look at it objectively, I recognize the things neither of us were getting that we needed. The only one I could answer a confident “yes” in was #1😭 Who knows what would have happened with better communication, but I will never know if that would have been enough.
I love hearing Stephen’s POV. His discussions with Matthew are always so good! 👏🏻👏🏻
The more I listen to you, Matthew, the more i feel that you, nail it. I'm thrilled also that you use your brothers ideas to bounce off. So nice.... I am not in a searching situation. I'm just interested in the subject of ❤️ love because i discovered real love for the first time at the age of 55.. i was sexually abused repeatedly from the age of 4 to 5 before i was able to remove myself from the predator...which i had to do of my own will. My mum dismissed my story ...when i told her....but i understood somehow that what was going on was wrong .my adolescence was a nightmare because of the sexual abuse of my early childhood. Sexual advances were ver scary for me. I just froze. It was not even possible for me to talk about it after mum's refusal to listen ,l.. since my adulthood i have informed my lovers before I could bond with them
It's been an important part of my development because i couldn't bare to be sexually abused anymore.
To find live unexpectedly at 55 was a fantastic experience 😀 that has opened up the wonderful world of true sexuality 💜
Hi Matthew!
I've been following your videos for quite a few years now, and there's a lot of subjects that you covered. I really love that when discussing about dating and how to "get the guy", you don't just throw in clichees, but rather focus on personal development for each.
I have a situation that you didn't cover in one full video: I've turned 30 this year and I've been together with a man for almost 8 years. We've met during master's degree (tough times, hard to find a job afterwards, not enough money to pay for a proper rent and so on). We got married 2 years ago (during the pandemic, so we had no big party/ not that I felt like having one). When we initially got together we had very little dating experience, it was our first serious/longer than a month relationship. The problem that we're facing is that as time passed by, each time we were struggling to fix something (get a better rent, better job, learn new stuff), and because he is/was not a very active person, unlike me, we ended up doing our activities separately (none of us wanted to force the other one to go do that they didn't want to). After years, this led us to a point where we don't really have any tension and/or any activities together. We've seen a couples therapist a few times, but all he focused on was whether we discuss our problems together or not (we do, communication works fine, even though I'm anxious and he's avoidant, we somehow manage to communicate ok). My problem is that:
- we worked a lot to make this relationship work, and it's definitely worth saving (we seem to work good together to make stuff work, we know each other, we can trust each other/ none of us is a jerk or was at any point)
- I can't see myself living for the rest of my life next to someone for which I feel empathy and some sort of friendship/love, but no sexual desire.
At some point, 1.5 years ago, I started to work harder on my appearance (gym/posture, clothes), and I started to get more attention from other guys. My husband started to this as well, hit the gym and other stuff, because we discussed the issue. But he's doing this just because he feels like he should, keeps eating junk, we still don't get at least one weekly park walk or meal out, and when we do, it feels forced and artificial.
Can you share your thoughts in a video about long term relationships where people end up growing in separate directions? And how to keep some sort of butterflies alive when living together in the same house for so long?
I went through something similar and spent years staying when it was meant to be over. It finally got to a stalemate and I wish I left sooner. Don’t waste your time if you’ve both tried everything and it’s just not compatible anymore.
Are you sure the grass will be greener elsewhere? Maybe at some point life just gets routine. Many women leaving relationships only to cry about being lonely later. Could hormones be playing a role? You guys still have good communication and he's doing his role as provider, plus has not cheated on you. No grounds for a biblical divorce here. Maybe it just feels boring but sometimes life just settles into this. Do you want children? Do you have other things to keep you stimulated? What about other circle of friends? The man can't meet all of our social needs. Maybe find more passions for yourself, and come home newly energized, then it might spill over onto him. It is rough that he's eating junk bc that will drain your energy.
Maybe you guys have that kind of relationship where you need things to do to keep it going. So when it's just you two alone, is the conversation stale? Could you specify identity what he could do to make you more interested?
Be funnier, be more attentive, be more interesting...
What do you think?
You should feel sexual attraction, but just so you know sometimes it takes getting to know someone better to have that attraction because of commonalities or simply enjoying each other's company each time we see each other and learning more about each other intimately and I don't mean sexual intimacy
This is SO good, thank you so much Matt and your brother for such a valuable content
I think the biggest components are: Is there trust, respect, and admire each other? Do you have the same values? Are you compatible? Do you work well as a team? Do you have connection? Do you communicate well? Can you have difficult conversations? Do you fight for each other? No abuse in the relationship? Is this a healthy relationship with no toxicity? Do both of you have strong boundaries? Do both of you know what your mission and vision is? Is this a reciprocal relationship? Do they build you up and make your life better? Do they challenge you and call you out on your BS? Is there accountability in the relationship? Have they done the hard work on themselves? Are they meeting your top 5 needs and likewise? Etc. Do they teach you how to love them and vice versa?
I don't know of anyone who can inspire people as you do. Your words are just a brilliant as You are! Thank you!
I think Matthew brings up a good point about “enjoying” the relationship in the moment. I do wonder if there should be a distinction between “enjoying” the relationship and crossing the line into “needing” the relationship. Matthew, would you consider that maybe people are communicating the softer “enjoy” instead of appropriately identifying a feeling of “need” in the relationship now, which might actually be keeping them from acting on a foresight? Do you think that if we made a distinction between those two feelings that your thoughts or advice would change?
I say this as Mindfulness really is a feeling of being in the moment. It’s not a feeling of needing this moment. Past, present, or future - if you hold on too tightly to any, then a pathology develops, no?
This video is a piece of art, and a jewel of wisdom
Unconditional positive regard
Omg Mathew is so funny!!😆 with the beauty and the beast part..
Anne sitter what??? I don’t need help thank you..
Thanks so much for clarifying something that I have been trying to work out for the last twelve months - for putting an end to what has been an agonising decision that I now realise would be "cruel to my future self".
I applaud you for your insight Matt, and for sharing it with the world. You're the best!
"you don't even realize that you are selfish" 🔥🔥🔥
Could you guys talk about men and feelings? My ex was super empathetic and had very high emotional intelligence level and it was super normal to talk about feelings with him and he actually taught me to open up emotionally. Is that a rare thing?
Yess, you spend most of your life with your partner and it's so basic yet so hard to find someone who understands instead of tolarating you.
All the best!!
In most of the relationship everything will be perfect but communication and it sucks.
Why is he your ex
@@whyjustwhy2168 haha good point.
Ufff this video is perfect for my situation... I know things cannot really workout with this guy because we want very different things... But I have decided to go with the flow even if it will mean hurt in the future... We're such illogical creatures 😂
thank you two so much for this wonderful dialogue! Just what I needed after I have moved on from a too difficult situation with someone and those questions clearly show me this decision was right. Matt, you have such a great way of putting things into words, amazing. Stephen, you are so funny and charming, would be fun to be taken into your beast-castle for a while 😅.
Love yourself and just understand your life partner don't love them more than yourself 😜
Is he right for you?? Well I would say Go by the Vibes n not by words. Dont b hasty o hurried manner..Meet him o her on different occasions like fr eg wen they had a bad work day o wen they are with their parents ,frends etc.. how do they come across,?? understand that..
your own voice ur own judgement will tell you whether he is Mr. Right fr you.
Matt, you bring so much value to the community and to us with your videos. Thank you!
Very good.i think question four is about knowing ones principles and boundarys.it requires awareness of one's aim in life.and whether the person I'm with is someone who is open to communicate honestly. More often people just say what the other wants to hear at a given moment .if I ever reach that point with someone again .honesty is my top priority.
Wow this is just incredible a conversation ! Thank u gentlemen
20:17 "Don't be so busy enjoying the chemistry, and the fun, and the attraction in the NOW, that you ignore a massive amount of pain that's coming, that will be an act of recklessness and ignorance towards a future you...We need to take the view that we should do things TODAY that our FUTURE SELVES will thank us for...It's a cruel act to a future you, to do something that feels good today, that will cause HER a ton of pain." ❤💗🤜🤛👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Perfectly said. Thank you Matthew!!!! 🙏🏼 You cleared up a very hard decision I have to make about cutting off a long distance relationship with a man who us such a nice guy, and fun to be around, but our 5 year plans are vastly different, as well as where we want to live. I know what I need to do now, and I know my future self will thank me...Thank you Matthew. You are living your calling and helping a lot of people with your channel. God bless you 🙏🏼 🙏🏼 🙏🏼
Thank you Matthew for this video, in the first question you answered what i was struggling with the past 3 weeks!!
Thank you for addressing the life goals point. I am just starting to date someone who I have fantastic chemistry with, but we don't align on kids. Just like you said, my friends are telling me not to worry about it. However, I know this will end poorly and I will break my own heart in the process if I stay with him.
What ended up happening? I’m in this situation now
@@krizuman I ended up talking to him. Told him that I definitely do not want kids and it's not going to change. He ended up changing his mind on the spot. This was a bit of a red flag to me that he wasn't being genuine and was just trying to appeal to me. I started to notice he was doing that in several parts of the relationship, so I ended up leaving the relationship. I want someone who is their own person.
I noticed some people judged me about bringing up kids on the second date, but I don't think it's weird. My time is precious to me, and I don't want to waste it on a guy that doesn't match my own life goals
@@TheseWhiteNights thanks for replying. On my second date with a woman, she told me she doesn’t want kids and I told her I do. We have great chemistry. I’m agonising over it.
I think I have to ask her if she’s 100% certain and whether she thinks she’ll ever change her mind. If she’s fully set on being child-free I’ll have to let her go. It’s just sad, feels very difficult to find a compatible person.
@@krizuman I get that. Though Hussey always says in his videos there's tons of people, it's so much mental work to go through people to find a match. Then when you finally find someone you like, you have to make sure life goals also match (for the deal breaker ones). I'd love to hear how yours pans out, I hope it works out for you :)
@@TheseWhiteNights I spoke with her and she said there’s basically no chance of her mind changing. She wanted to just be in the moment and enjoy it. But I said I don’t think I can give her 100% if in the back of my mind I know we don’t share the same future vision.
She appreciated my strength and honesty and how I handled the discussion. Part of me thinks I’m crazy and overthinking; it’s not like I can have kids anytime soon anyway. Am I just sabotaging a potentially good relationship by thinking too far ahead? I don’t know.
Just trying to do what’s right, not what’s easy. It hurts, and it hurt her too. But it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to change. It’s sad though, and it’s difficult to know whether I did the right thing or not.
I believe in astrology I'm a Gemini and I need mental stimulation with new words in so many ways
Number 4 hit home hard
I wish I saw it years ago.
I’ve made all of the mistakes stated in the video.
I can only be thankful for cutting my loses eventually, and not getting married and having kids with my ex.
I’m sorry for wasting her time and hurting her.
My favorite part about the videos is you and your brother talking jokingly
Everybody these days try to control the narrative. CHILL! Let things happen naturally, keep your eyes open for red flags. But stop with making the guy chase you or play jealousy games.
spot on about people being stuck in their ways...
We were perfect together and for each other. But he realised he never got over his ex (that he still sees once in a while with other friends). So decided to break things up and stay single for a good while... 3 days before he told me he wanted to spend his life with me and that he loved me. I'm totally crushed and lost...
My Gemini friend & i both see alot of the most siimple purest things in life ,as important. Big Bangs is not one of them.
Thank you for sharing examples and diving deeper into each question and breaking things down so its relatable. Keep these type of episodes coming. Great perspective on compatibility because I have made big mistakes by not being mindful of that.
What to do if you love someone sooo much but this person have a different perspective of a good future and good life. Like religion, life style, family. I know I will suffer in the future with him, but I’m so in love with him for 3 years now that I’m thinking about giving up on everything that I ever wanted in my life just for him, please help me, I’m depressed, I can’t imagine myself with someone else and I can’t handle the idea of him being with someone else
I dated a lot of men to get to know different characters and find out what qualities I am looking for. Including fleeting encounters and acquaintances (so not dating them 1 on 1), I might have met around 3,000 men that are in the right age span to date. I didn‘t like any of them so much that I can really consider a future with them. I am now in a not super serious relationship, but we both enjoy the company and friendship and no big heartbreak will happen in the end 🤷🏼♀️ Sometimes waiting for „perfect“ is not the best way, sometimes you need to find „perfect“ in what you have. I am still looking around (and yes he knows), but I gotta say, there aren’t many quality men around 🧐 I haven’t met a single really awesome guy in my life (down to earth, genuinely nice, responsible, keeping his flat clean, having a stable job, being a good listener and communicator, stuff like that).
@Paul Carter keep your scam 😂
Very helpful and great message. Thank you for sharing! 💞🙏
Thank you, sometimes we know these truths deep down, but need to hear someone else utter them to be reinforced.
Thank you for this one! Im very much struggling to see where to place this person that i like, but i don't know how to give him a place in my life. Also because i don't even have my own vision (for the next years) straight.
This post is so timely, such good questions to revisit and hear both your thoughts on the subjects.
Oh and they are such gooooood answers!…..
It’s a beautiful thing to find a true friendship connection & true romantic love together. Where the heart can become one, then your worlds entwined together. Pairing for life - like two swans 🦢 & have doves eyes for each other. 🕊 a love that lifts you up on eagles wings 🦅 above the mountains & storms.
I believe we make room for each other, compromise, find solutions, re-calibrate, as a team together when you begin to build and make a future you both love, see, feel & your passionate about.
It sure is important to know what you want & then ask the questions before you commit in for life. (Some wisdom I would have told myself many years ago if I knew it.)
I think it can be inspiring and connective to speak boldly in love about what you want for your life, listening to what’s important to them…getting to know each other being open & then they can see a real future with them if they choose too, Not one they alone think they could have but practically see together a world they can build & a life they love living in🙏🤗❤️ thanks for sharing x
Hi could you do a chat about banter or bullying in a dating environment or early days of dating ❤️🙏🏻
Very good advice said in a way that overrules temporary emotions.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much.
Mutual respect/shared values is no. 1 for me.
I love this guideline !!!!😃👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 thank you !!!
Interesting number 4. It depends on how old you are you may not have a specific 10 year plan but I am close to turning 50. And live in Australia. I say this because here many people by the time they get to retirement age they want to pack up and head to a farm meaning out bush nowhere near or several hours drive to a main town or city... or going caravaning around the country...or something like that. So for me thats a big no because its not where or how I see my future lifestyle!
I agree with friends first but attraction is a must for me. Honestly I tried dating someone I really like but wasn't attracted to and almost vomited when he kissed me. Wasn't there.
ineed, noone would like to be on the receiving end of the vomiting. So if you wish them best, you wouldn't cause them such trauma
Sometimes i let YT to guide me tonthe right videos. This is exactly what i am going through. The guy I was with and i were not compatible due to his lack compromise. He said he compromised enough in his last relationships that he doesnt have enough to do it anymore.
Values. People who don’t share their same values the relationship wont work.
It would be interesting to hear from you guys about MBTI compatibility, so you think is it valid to look for a compatible partner from that perspective?
100%. My ideal partner would be an ENFP. I'm an INTJ. I definitely notice I'm attracted to "FP" men - feeler/perceiver types to balance out my thinking/judging preferences. To note, I believe it was David Kiersey, author of the "Understand Me" series regarding MBTI, who thought the best partnerships involved pairs of opposite functions, but how pairs process information, i.e.: intuitive or sensing, staying the same.
I.e.: ENFP/INTJ
What if I’ve answered “yes” to all these questions but the guy is just moving too fast? If I still want to pursue the relationship but need to slow it down?
Already point one and two are nail hit on the head!! ❤️
I have a friend who has MS... And he is wonderful. I keep asking myself can i deal with the pain of seeing him suffer in the future?.. I cant imagine i could, i never feel that strong... But could i imagine him doing it alone? I absolutly can not. If i love him and we are happy... I can endure that kind of struggle. There is always a struggle to be had.
I finally found someone I have serious chemistry with for the first time in 40 years and circumstances out of our control took him away from me. 😓
it's been 6 months that we have been apart and I can't get to him. Life is cruel.
If you have to watch this he probably isn’t the right one
Very sound advice. Thank you.
Such a great topic because I asked this often to myself everytime I meet someone who showed their love but sad to say not yet meet in person just only in online chatting it's really hard to distinguish the true feelings and intentions of a man unless you didn't meet him personally so I always end up asking this question is he the right guy for me? Anyway I give my thumbs up for this informative video ☺👍
By the end of the date, i hope one would feel more relaxed to assess physical attraction. If not, then this person doesnt put u at ease.
You guys are adorable .. love watching you two together❤... can I date Steve? 🥰
Great show guys. Thanks!