Why the Betrayed and Unfaithful Need to Know 'The Why' of the Affair: Interview with an Expert

Understanding 'the why' of the affair is vital for a variety of reasons including but not limited to relapse prevention, safety for the betrayed and long term healing for both parties. If an unfaithful doesn't know why they had an affair or acted our, how can they expect to prevent it from happening again in the future? How can they assure their partner they'll never do it again when they were never supposed to do it in the first place and still don't know how to prevent the same circumstances from happening which led to the affair or addiction? It's a common choice of the unfaithful to just want to 'put it behind us' only to realize our betrayed partners don't feel safe, don't want to be vulnerable and don't want to take our word for it that we have it all figured out and we just won't do it again. Discovering why we have affairs or addictions is critical to finding healing, safety and for those who struggle with addiction, sobriety. Without an understanding of why the affair happened outside of our own minds and reasonings, we're doomed to repeat the behavior and run the risk of losing our families or partners. Today, a frequent contributor and expert, Amanda Asproni comes into the podcast to share her clinical insight into why it's vital to know the why of the affair(s) and how both parties can do work to discover either their own or their partner's 'why' of the affair.
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[@tblank0302]

Great, great, great video from two straight shooters. Thank you.
Some of my take-aways:
1. Not knowing myself is how I got here - I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I know I became disconnected with myself (not an excuse)…in some way telling myself I was still a good guy
2. Totality of my blind spots - Blindspot are ugly and dangerous. We need others to be able to see the things that we can’t.
3. Unfaithful gaslight themselves - how true is this! It’s often said that we betray ourselves before we betray another and I believe that’s true. in my own story, I had to lie to myself, make myself believe things that eventually would allow me to take some pretty damaging actions.
4. We come to realizations w work and contemplation - that takes time. In my own journey, gaining an understanding of my ‘why’ - took longer longer than I originally expected it would and it most definitely changed overtime. Sam said it well.

[@teeryan19]

All of this…this last segment was the most important message for me. Amanda told me from the beginning this and it’s so hard to grasp but 2.5 years into this if I could ever help anyone with the begining of this is learn what self care is and help get yourself regulated I was so dysregulated for most of my life it was normal to be in that state for me and then when this bomb blew us up self care was a foreign concept to me. It lengthened that chaos for me and for both of us. The CPTSD is still here and always will be I now accept that and the part that has played in my life and marriage and those flashbacks are getting easier to recognize and the recovery time is shorter in comparison to what they were as I have learned how to use my tool box of self care. It’s a long road but we are still here standing and learning. Thank you both for all of these reminders today.

[@daphnemcmullen1972]

Getting there. Thank you Sam n Amanda and Thank you teeryan I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Still standing on the titanic but it hasn't broke apart yet.

[@josephsnearline2022]

You mentioned that the unfaithful can get stuck in a multi year affair because they don’t know how to get out. Could you speak more about this dynamic?

[@jowork9966]

He once told me the why was "because I can" - not could, but can. I don't know what to do with that.

[@samshealingpodcast]

To me that's an inflammatory statement that is unacceptable. Have you asked yourself why you feel that's ok? Have you considered that that statement communicates massive disrespect and disregard for you?

[@kjkjkjjuen]

Yayyyy! So good to see you Amanda. You’ve been missed.

[@ricca7111]

My unfaithful spouse told his friends that he can do what he wants. 😔

[@samshealingpodcast]

I'm terribly sorry. I think it's then that you have to ask yourself, why am I allowing this and why am I allowing him to dictate what the relationship looks like and why do I allows this from him?

[@ricca7111]

@@samshealingpodcastacknowledged 🙏🏻

[@ranonhulet1467]

My unfaithful partner has been acting out in some form or fashion for our entire marriage and lying about anything and everything since before we even married. If I were able to somehow add up percentages of time spent living as one self vs the other "shadow" self, it would be heavily weighted to the "shadow" version. Part of my healing and growth is to understand and acknowledge that he has been more comfortable and authentic as the secret/hidden self.

[@kjkjkjjuen]

I’m so sorry you have had to deal with so much gaslighting. I understand this pain and suffering from my 24 yrs w now former husband. He annihilated our lives and our family. It’s very sad he wouldn’t do the work.

[@EstherChidester]

Thanks for this podcast. We are 22 months from D day and almost a year from disclosure day. I have thankfully reached homeostasis. I agree that it takes time. My concern is that my husband still doesn't know why he had his affair. That is why we are still separated. My husband also has some past trauma that he has not been able to face. How could I find a therapist like Amanda to get additional help?

[@kjkjkjjuen]

Send her an email. They will help you find the right help.

[@samshealingpodcast]

what part of the country are you in? I have a couple ideas so please send me an email at [e-mail] and we can talk through suggestions.