Why Aren’t Unfaithful Spouses More Compassionate and Empathetic after an Affair?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ก.ค. 2024
- Today, Samuel shares insight into the mind of the unfaithful partner, and why compassion and empathy are not always immediate in the mind of the unfaithful.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
In all honesty, how can you expect someone that traumatized you to this level to have compassion and empathy in the first place? Sounds a bit too optimistic to me.
As the unfaithful, you are right, us showing empathy and compassion is a bit optimistic. The unfaithful you have in mind, I know that I am exactly like them. I do believe I was never liked this, I did show compassion and empathy before I became unfaithful, I just changed. I believe that the unfaithful can show compassion and empasthy again but not on their own. They need help, a lot of it, I can’t get the help for a lot of reasons and I’m trying to get the right help. I’m hoping your significant other can and is willing to get the help. Depending on the situation, they probably didn’t want too hurt you in the first place, so I’m sorry they did. I don’t really know where I was going with this, even now I am struggling to be empathetic and compassionate, but logically you were hurt and I have to say sorry because I too have hurt my betrayed. I wish I could be compassionate and empathetic. I am when I think logically, but it isn’t genuine and I wanna be able to change so it can be genuine. So I am sorry that I can not be genuine.
It's possible with the right help and time. no one says it should be overnight and no one says it's immediate. with time and work it can happen and if the relationship is going to make it, it will require compassion on both sides.
@@samshealingpodcast. It shouldn’t be that hard to wrangle with someone to love you. It’s there or it’s not. You need to show the greatest form of love and let someone go when you know you are too deficient of a partner. It’s like keeping an animal that belongs free in the wild in a small cage. They get sicker and sicker in your ‘care.’
I really love and have experienced the truth of the notion that “If you cannot show compassion for yourself, you will be unable to give it to others.” I have seen this in myself and in my partner as well. As we work together to heal, we are both learning how to better treat ourselves. In doing so, we are learning how to better love one another. Our marriage today is 2000% better than it was 7 years ago. We still have a lot of learning and improving to do. I’m excited to see how much better our marriage will be in another 7 years.
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to write this but,
Message to unfaithful from a betrayed: I’m seeing a lot of comments expressing anger and shame towards people who were/are unfaithful. This comes from a place of pain and being shown that the world is no longer safe. I wonder if it can be easier to assume that a person is incapable of ever being trusted than ever again being vulnerable to the betrayal, trauma, or nuclear explosion caused by infidelity. It IS your choices and behavior that caused infidelity. But, it doesn’t need to be your entire identity. Right now your betrayed may have a hard time seeing this. Don’t let this deter you from responding with empathy. I was never offered an opportunity for discussion, but for any unfaithful at this point of recovery (I do recognize many may never be- though cognitive dissonance can be overcome)… please do consider that as an unfaithful spouse, you have the power to create positive change and healing for your spouse, regardless of your decision to continue your relationship. Please extend some grace to your shell-shocked spouse- I can bet that they are doing the best they can. You may be doing your best as well, but does not negate working towards “righting” any wrongs or harm you directly caused by offering support to your betrayed. Blessings to you all
Another wonderful video from you, Samuel. Been watching for nearly two years and has been instrumental in my survival after DDay and healing. My spouse told me about the affair and left the next day without any idea that there were such concerns about the marriage. As far as I know, they are living together and do hope the AP’s kids are doing okay despite the AP’s divorce.
Your ability to speak to the unfaithful offers a glimpse into their mind and experience. As you know, this can be really hard, if not impossible without resources, to make sense of infidelity… especially for betrayed who may not have been offered opportunities for clarity and safety. Please share my sincere gratitude to everyone at Affair Recovery. I’ve made the active choice to forgive my soon to be ex as they get their divorce. We are all broken. You give people a fighting chance to witness and influence this brokenness. My prayers are with you all as you continue to change lives
you're so kind. it's refreshing and seen for what it is. thank you so much for taking the time to watch and comment.
My heart goes out to you. Never give up on yourself.
I wish my husband would talk to someone that could make him “get it” almost 3 years later and he still has that wall up to not seeing the complete picture. Still hiding things and not changing. He’s changed but not completely changed. He still has secrets. He still shuts down. He’s still defensive. I want to move on but without complete honesty I don’t see how that’s possible. How am I supposed to be completely open in my feelings if he can’t be completely honest? It’s like he refuses to see. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I would like for someone other than me to try and explain my side and have more understanding of his actions during and after. Does that make sense? I’m so frustrated! It’s shutting me down.
Being nice helps but doesn’t really fix it.
it's 100% normal my friend. is he open to getting help? without an expert, third party to help, it typically goes like that. would be be willing to do a course or intensive at all?
Mine has gotten to the point where he won't admit anything even after I find undeniable evidence such as receipts. Very aggravating.
IMO, most cheaters lack empathy and compassion to begin with. Lack of these qualities, as well as lack of integrity, are manifested in many areas of their lives, not just as it relates to infidelity.
Yes, that is probably true. It may be unreasonable to think that someone who cheated on you, even after asking forgiveness, is going to have a huge swing in their morals and instantly become deeply empathetic and remorseful. Developing strong character takes years of patient endurance. Integrity takes even longer. I'm trying to convince myself of this as well. My wife told me about the affair just this Easter. I began to open the door of forgiveness a couple weeks after. Hardest thing for me to overcome has been how my mind constantly judges her every word and behavior...like I'm always asking myself..."is she genuinely sorry for all the pain she caused me?".
But I'm realizing that it is ME that is required to be strong through this, I can't expect her to. I have a choice to leave... though not an easy one with 3 kids...and because I've chose to give us another chance, I have to buckle up and prepare to fight the war in my head...alone. Well, with God's help in my case, but it's my war to fight. Would help tremendously if she decided to join me every day in the battle but I guess she really doesn't have to in order to find the same peace that I am seeking. Her peace is predominantly sourced through me. If I am generous, forgiving, encouraging, loving etc...then she has peace. If I get trapped in my thoughts and hurt...her peace is disturbed. It seems unfair. But honestly....what can she truly offer me right now? She's here because I chose her to be here right now. So every day I have to choose to be true to myself and my faith and hope that love can be truly restored. That faith is really all I have. Not faith in her, faith in God. As soon as I put my faith in her it's only moments before I'm disappointed and want to run. Want to give up the struggle.
So I guess we all have to put our faith in something other than the spouse that betrayed us. Looking to them for strength will only leave us frustrated and bitter.
Ronald, I never seen my husband like that until he acted out. Now it is hard to see him any other way. The littlest thing he does now is a trigger.
There are two points worth mentioning. First it is difficult to become and show compassion when they are a life member of the me me me group. Secondly it is difficult to be compassionate when the unfaithful spent their time trashing their spouse and in their minds justifying their selfish behavior.
Just remember that forgiveness is forsaking all hope of a better past. I am the unfaithful in my and my wife's separation because of addiction. Now the tables are turned and I am the betrayed in her continuation of her financial and independent behavior "love busters." Love from the husband is the best way to enable change in the wife. Respect is the best way for the wife to enable change in the husband.
My partner decided to leave once she realized it would be too much work and how much she'd hurt me. She said she wanted to be with me, but it only took her two weeks from when she confessed about cheating to come to that decision, and throughout that time, she was more focused on how I was reacting as opposed to why, and on how it was making her feel (she said how I was reacting and the things I was saying were hurting her). Needless to say, I'm completely devastated.
@J. Rosalind Thank you. I appreciate that. : )
At least you got two weeks after being told I got a DAY before he came to the same response.
Do you think she is going through a midlife crises? People in midlife crisis then to have lower empathy for their partner because that would make them feel guilty for living out the fantasy they need to live out during their midlife crises while they heal from whatever things caused the midlife crisis...
Are you familiar with emmiagram personality typology. 3 if the personality types run from shame so anything that makes them feel guilty... even a spouse who has been hurt they will want to run from.
Has you partner come back? I see you posted 7 months ago..
That is where i find myself, day 30 of reconciliation (but actually day 1 since just discovered a third slew of infidelities yesterday). He is still blaming and shaming me for me surprisingly mild anger at this. Today i walk away. His family has shown me no empathy (with the exception of a -in my opinion- shaming blaming text that i have to stop being angry and forgive ”at some point”. I took some deep breaths, realized this may be part of where he learned it- and answered politely
90 days since Dday. He was already deep into a midlife crisis period and unresolved griefs unrelated to our 10 yr, his 3rd marriage. A 4 month affair after rediscovering his first love from 40 years ago. The love they had was intense and they wanted to marry. She sent a Dear John letter while he was deployed. Now a widow and available. Both vulnerable and they went into a fantasy. Their situation seems unique when videos say affairs aren't "real love", but theirs was. Nevertheless, I fought for him. She backed down. Again, the videos are the only thing getting me through! Frankly, we still love one another and I refuse to give up on our relationship especially at our age. I don't hear too much about midlife crisis in videos. Wonder if you could expound on that in a vlog. Thank you for ALL the videos! REALLY appreciated!
so glad you're here. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in. i did one a long time ago but i'm sure it has some relevant info in it for you: th-cam.com/video/XuaPxhMfHpk/w-d-xo.html many who are in the military will do our online course found here as you can do it from anywhere in the world: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online
This was super informative. Empathy and compassion are definitely hard for me and almost always have been. It is quite strange- I will cry at the drop of a hat over someone else’s life or an animal suffering - I feel these things so deeply, but applying empathy in my personal life is one of my hardest struggles. I was a 911 dispatcher for many years and one of the complaints my family had was that I no longer felt things in my personal life. I detached, I guess, from their point of view. You are so right. It’s not helping me … at all. Forgiving myself seems truly impossible honestly, but I know it’s not helping. Time to make some changes. Looking forward to applying these tips. Thank you for another great video, Sam!
Wow never seen it this way. Makes a lot of sense now. If someone isn’t happy and has no self worth nor loves themself, it’s very hard to give that to someone else, specifically the spouse they cheated on. Thank you! Very helpful
I think the deeper answer is that to have compassion for the betrayed partner works against the psychological defenses and motives of the unfaithful partner. The unfaithful partner doesn't wish to dwell in the reality of the hurt they caused. They wish to avoid and alter the narrative in such a way as to have the betrayed partner forgive them. If they experience compassion, they are admitting to the hurt they caused and that's just too much a lot of the time. I've seen the pattern play out with clients over and over. The unfaithful partner will have compassion early on but as the time passes it seems to become harder for them to access.
The betrayed partner starts to believe they aren't deserving of this compassion because they've chosen to stay.
Thank you for asking a key question that so many previous have pointed to so well. This is so direct. Grateful for this openness.
thanks so much for watching and posting.
Hello 👋 I really appreciate your transparency and your channel. I often wondered why my husband that betrayed me didn't show any compassion or empathy for the hurt🤕 he caused me. When I shutdown I was served divorce papers. Thank you ❤️
I'm very sorry my friend. I know that had to be awful. I hope you've been able to find healing for your own pain and hurt. Divorce groups are extremely helpful as well. I'm so sorry.
Self Healing Begins with Self Compassion. I am a BS and this is so needed for my UFH. He is hard to relate to at times and says "When will life be normal" and "When do we get over this." He tells me it is hard to forgive himself and this is a definite obstacle to his healing. Thanks, AR and Sam for creating content that our UF can relate to and begin to see the big picture.
So needed this video!! I was thinking the same thing about my wife. I see the pain in her eyes because of what she did. I know it takes time and help. She tries very hard and I’m very proud of her for doing what she can. She and I just need outside help.
thanks for watching and commenting jason. you can find help through our ems weekend if you're open to it or any of our online courses as well: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Glad to see you realized you or you’ll need help. Great…
My wife of 17 years began an affair seven months ago.... she admits to an emotional affair, but I also have evidence of a physical affair that she is lying about. She refuses to give up the AP... She's completely pulled away from me physically and emotionally and is all but ignoring our 3 kids. I've been working on the only things I can control for the duration (I have grown myself SO much in the past six months), but am not sure how much longer I can handle the disrespect, neglect, and deceit. What advice would you give me in this situation? Thanks in advance.
I cheated on My Wife, though 1 thing I have learned though my 11/2+ years of recovery,, either the cheater or the betrayed, each must decide what is best for them. My Wife and I are working through My infidelity and Our Marriage. You are doing great, though seems to me, she has not hit bottom to work on herself and the Marriage, to really open up and do the steps. I hope that does help.
Hi, I am Michael O, Sex Addict... and I am Glad I am recovering from My Addiction
Mutual love, kindness, and respect. Mutual understanding that both spouses have been hurt in different and similar ways.
Well said! I have to read the tea leaves with him...thank God for his other love languages! He takes care of my car better than me. My car oil is constantly checked and my tires too, LoL!
That is 1 thing is soooo Hard to do is, Forgiving myself for what I have done to My Wife. I can forgive others so much easier than doing that for myself, Sam. :( Plus, I am so critical of myself, though I have been working on that and its a slow progress, though its coming. I like All your vids and the other guys, also. Please, keep it up, I been following the vids for over 1 1/2 years now, when I actually doing the steps and working through My Problems. :)
so glad you're here my friend. it's a journey for sure. are you getting any help from anyone?
@@samshealingpodcast yes, I have join zoom meetings for My recovery, plus reading (and other forms of learning). I am looking into a sponsor to actually do the 12 steps. I really appreciate your guys videos and the new guy. I hope he stays.
Because they don’t care. Why did my wife cheated on me and our three kids. Because she doesn’t care. If she did she would have never cheated. People cheat because they don’t care. They care only about themselves and what makes them happy. Happy people don’t cheat. No matter what others say. People cheat because they are not happy with you or themselves. Once people realize how truly bad cheating is then maybe people will stop doing it. Doubtful because it’s only human nature to care for number one. I just wish I would have walk away sooner than 3 months. She show her worst in three months. Hurt me even more than the affair. Hateful people deserves all the karma in the world for what they do. To all the people that have been cheated on, hold your head up high and walk away. Better yet run, good luck and stay safe.
I’m so sorry. I hope you are somewhere in the healing process now. I agree people just don’t care about anything but themselves. I’ve been married 17 years. This past week I found out that my husband was blackmailed by someone he didn’t know on Skype and they recorded him touching himself. He paid them 1500.00 then they started texting me making threats and I thought it was a random scammer. He lied to my face. I checked his iPad and found lots of conversations with women he met on Ashley Madison. Typically he only admitted after I showed him the copies of the goods on him and no more. So I was so mad because we don’t have this kind of free cash after buying and remodeling a home. It went on our credit card. He’s angry and ashamed. I never would have thought he would have done this but it happened. So now do I live with this man who is angry and bitter or do I take my 50% of everything an go. I don know that he has any empathy. He just gets angry that I’m upset and crying and that I said I was broken. We have no kids. I have 2 adult sons and a granddaughter. The thing is that I’m disabled by multiple autoimmune diseases and unable to work. I was I’ll when he married me and he knew long before that I couldn’t work and that life was difficult for me. So now I’m a burden on the man I love and I just feel lost.
You know the unfaithful would show compassion to the affair partner. It’s just that they lost their compassion for you as part of their disconnect from you and connection to the AP. It’s natural for them to be repelled by your suffering. That’s how the body/brain works. They are done with you. But the reconnect can happen after time and the disconnect from the affair partner. Then they will be compassionate for you again.
For me it's that I have always wanted to avoid conflict.
I was reading the comments and I saw a betrayed who was talking about their experience with the unfaithful and how they questioned their unfaithful wether they were genuine when saying sorry. I’m going to put my thoughts into that since I am the unfaithful, I think this could partially be more helpful then Samuel because I am currently the unfaithful who has not healed. As the unfaithful I am not genuine most of the time if not all of the time. I am slowly starting to realize it. Your unfaithful may feel differently but when I say sorry on most cases it is because I am more sorry about myself and not my betrayed partner. I think the reason for this or at least one of the reasons for this is because when I look back at our relationship, and I think of the great times I had with my betrayed, I start to cry because I was so happy and I thought she was so perfect with her and I don’t know what I did for me to end up as the unfaithful. Logically I know what I did to end up this way, but I don’t understand what led me to make unfaithful decisions. I am so confused that sometimes I don’t even feel like I cheated, I know that sounds ridicules, but I don’t fully understand what an emotional affair even is. I didn’t do anything physical but emotional I don’t know what I did to have an emotional affair. I know that all the betrayed are gonna see this and yell, scream, hate or something and I do not blame you. I understand why you would hate my comment because if I was the betrayed I would feel the same way. I’m sorry that I am unfaithful, I struggle to be genuine when I say that because I don’t know if I am truly unfaithful. People are telling me I’m not, but those people aren’t experts in infedelity, so until an expert says I am, I will continue to question if I am unfaithful. Too be truthful I am 17 and this was my first relationship, I thought she was the one the very first time I held her in my arms. I had so much plans for our future that I thought we could last forever, and I still feel like we could’ve if situations didn’t occur. I wish I could do it all over so I wouldn’t have messed things up. I wish I didn’t become such a terrible person, I’m sorry I am so terrible person.
Regarding how to know if a person is unfaithful.
ANYTHING KEPT SECRET FROM YOUR "PERSON" SPOUSE
IS CONSIDERED UNFAITHFUL.
learned that unfaithfulness comes not only Regarding relationships, but includes money, ANYTHING that comes to our relationships.
Please look for professional help. Christian counselor. If the first counselor isn't a fit, drop them and find one who is aligned with YOU.
BEST TO YOU. YOU WILL DO THIS.
You are not a terrible person. Please realize that what we see in life and movies and soaps, influence our brains. We know those influences are not the way to live. You don't eat garbage, don't feed it to your brain!
Samuel do you think you can do a video of why the unfaithful doesn’t want too go back to the spouse (or partner if not married). I’m the unfaithful and I’m struggling to wanna get back into a relationship with my partner. I don’t wanna lose her, but I’m struggling wanting to go back. I wanna understand why this is, and is it possible for me too change.
I still can’t get my spouse to be honest about the betrayal. I know it happened, possibly more than once. I know they never wanted to do what their parents did, but it happened. It happened at least once a few years ago, they got drunk and admitted it, then walked it back. Then a year ago, I was out of town, came home and found evidence on my sheets. There were fluids as well as short hair that was nothing like mine! When I showed the hair to them they looked shocked and then they threw the hair in the trash and I didn’t get to send it to a lab. I actually sent fluids that were on the floor and the sheets to a lab for proof, it was a match to the spouse and was the body fluid from a sexual encounter, they still will not come clean. I thought with proof they would own it. I’m stuck, I can’t get past it. How do you get them to be honest, I have compassion for them, but I’m not getting anything in return. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I do think they regret it, but won’t come clean, face it and work on it. It’s driving me crazy, which is what they say, that I’m just being crazy! I know I’m not, but it’s affecting my health.
I dont know where to start. 6/25 9:03 am
You could interview me, brother. My dad cheated on my mother, and simultaneously had a child with her and his girlfriend.
Because they truly don't care, they only care that they got caught.
Hey Samuel can you do a video on why the unfaithful is in denial about an emotional affair. Not denial towards the spouse and lying but denying to themselves. I had an emotional affair and I know I did. But I’m still having trouble excepting and I’m denying that what if I didn’t have one.
I think your missing something very important.
Yes, some people are hard on themselves, as you say, and this is one plausible mechanism. This is great because it has remedy and means there is a heart there. The problem is that if the lack of compassion is due to a few other possibilities, you do not want the betrayed basically enabling further abuse by mistakenly justifying the unfaithful's issue. "poor unfaithful! So hard on himself!" Some people have such big hearts they could get stuck in a very bad ongoing situation.
What if the unfaithful is a psychopath or sociopath or has an actual problem valuing and caring about others? You could imagine it as a disability, but a very dangerous one.
Or, think about how a person becomes corrupt. You do some minor bad things, then more, more lies, and eventually you can do it like it's nothing at all!
Think about porn. First it is maybe a sweet couple, and isn't that nice. Then they're hurting each other, or the actors are playing out some real sick stuff. Think how many people attach themselves to some very sick and dangerous desires and ways of being. Corruption is a process.
Or, imagine the person had a whole universe of worldview and modeling given to them as a child. That's just how the world works. That is a whole another way to get to s person who can betray and not feel it.
I think we need to be very thoughtful about what is happening and not assume that it must only be a matter of self judgment.
Haven’t watched you for a few months Samuel but what’s with your hair.......love you,but don’t like the do