Can a narcissist pretend to be loving and actually show affection and say sweet things? I knew a girl with borderline, she had no idea neither did I, I loved her for a year, took a lot of mistreatment from her, she was widely arrogant and gaslighted a lot, but I felt she was vulnerable. Eventually after some hard to explain actions from her, I thought she was being cruel on purpose , I called her out . I got a message from a guy claiming I was a narcissist because I was very mean to her . Turns out I’m almost positive he’s a narcissist . He said things like “that’s not love, you didn’t make her biggest weakness into her greatest strength, no you don’t understand” Etc. she was convinced he was her soulmate. He pretended to be her friend he knew everything when he messaged me. Anonymously. He only knew her for four days and told us we needed time to heal , meanwhile he’s boning her etc. He later claimed he was messaging me to help me though I had left and brought me back in only to pretend I was a danger to her . I feel terrible for her , I was there through so much and neither had any idea what she had and was never mean in person to her at all , I took a lot of ill treatment from her . Iv been wanting to reach out frankly , atleast to warn her . Everything the guy said sounded like a shallow pseudo romantic statement , he sounded wildly insecure to me. Publicly he said he never thought he’d find love again when they first met, oh but I guess he just had to save her right? Ugh ..
Same for me. I am so confused and I feel so guilty for finally yelling at him. I just wanted a conflict resolution, I apologized and I wanted just a talk and his apology. It never came and when he said Goodbye baby I just yelled at him. I don't know if it's me that wronged a good guy, of it this was really already a fantasy that I woke up from the day I wanted to hold my boundaries.
I will die alone rather than doing that shit again. 2024 the year of spiritual awakenings and self love. i think 12 months is a short time to take and the more i think about it i need to find me heal me learn to love me. the whole thing has been so traumatic its going to take time to heal.
Amen 🙏... 32 years and this heavy sad .... do true. Thank you. Terrible Terrible humans 😢 that cause Terrible feelings... krarn yourself again and hiw yiu can be an even better version of yourself
I’m going through this same phase right now. 2024 is also my yr of spiritual awakenings and undoing of old thought processes that caused me to be stuck where I was. I’m free and you are free now ❤ even though it will take a process of healing and understanding that missing him (or her)doesn’t mean it was healthy for us to love them.
@noturbo I was married for 30 years to a narcissist and I didn't even know what One was 🤦♀️! It wasn't until he finally left that I realized how much he hurt Me, emotionally and physically abused. I too need a lot of time to heal and I agree, I'd rather die Alone than ever encounter this again. I know My picker is broken. I now know I had many narcissist prior to marrying this One that was hell from the beginning. I attempted suicide in the first 2 years of dating/marriage 4 times. He never cared. Red flags I should have known. But, 30 years ago I didn't have the internet or TH-cam or anything to know anything existed!! They're pure evil and I thank God for opening My eyes to the abuse. I'm a child of God and My body is a temple of God. Never again. This was a great video! Time for healing and I wish you all the best in your healing process. ❤ Bev Ann 🌻
I'm 9 months out and every day gets better. I am so thankful for this healing time and education ❤ Dr. Ramani came into my TH-cam feed 4 years ago as I was diving back into sociopathy. She was so genuine and knowledgeable I kept watching her more and more which led me to realize my own mental health issues were maybe not improving bc my ex was emotionally abusive. I brought it up with my own therapist and she agreed. I was always making excuses and looking for the good in him. I needed to accept he never was good, it was all an act. I wish you well on your healing journey ❤️ you are so much stronger than you even know 💪
My narc mom told me I would fall flat on my face when I bought my own home in my 20s and moved out. I did not. I was alone for 7 years, Years later when leaving an abusive 23 year marriage my husband told me I would fall flat on my face without him. That was 7 years ago. I still need to visit my counsellor occasionally after several years of counselling but I have not fallen flat on my face.
I didn’t date for 14 years (yes, 14 years) afrer leaving a 10 year relationship. My kids were my top priority, then career, than family and friends (including his mom and sister) then my house. Dating just fell off my plate. Also, I didn’t want to expose my daughters to a potentially toxic man. Now I have a sweet, sane, non-narcissistic sweetheart.
I have been married to a narcissist for 27 years. I thought if only I did everything he told me I needed to do to be a better person, that I was going to be a better person. But that day never happened. At least in his eyes. I have now signed a contract with a Divorce lawyer. I don’t know how long this whole process will take, but I have never felt more self-love than I have felt in 27 years. And yes, I am very proud of myself!
26 years here and I still feel like I can’t let go. I took a trip by myself to PR something I’ve never done. After I was discarded and I caved and told him where I was halfway thru my trip and he came loved bombed and snot nose crying apologizing. Then he started to tell me that what he wanted from me and when I started telling him what I wanted he doesn’t want to hear it. Mind you he’s been doing whatever he wanted for 4 months ugh wtf did I let him back I feel like I’m at square one again. Just as I was cracking the surface
Never blame yourself for having been in a narcissistic relationship. You didn’t know and what you thought was genuine turned out to be something illusory. You’ve learned a lot from it and now you are aware of the red flags. Focus on your self healing and do things for yourself because the one relationship that is real is one with yourself.
Hi JL, I never knew what a narcissist was until I met one. I really loved him. He asked me to marry him, but I was only FUTURE FAKED. That tore me up pretty bad.
@@jannlewandowski5540 Hey Jann. Yeah I was not aware of narcissism until I came across these channels talking about it until I realized that many people in my life I’ve come across are narcissists or have narcissistic traits. And I’ve always wondered why I tend to attract a lot of them.
@JL15545 I was born and raised Catholic, and taught to be a very good person. I was ALWAYS " GOOD HEARTED" and trusting. I even went to Catholic school all my years of schooling. I was too trusting. People see right thru that. Well, NOT anymore. I almost died in the Hospital, and I never gave up on love. I just watch the guys and gals I associate with. Have a great day. Happy New Year, JL. ❤️🎈🎊👍🌞🌞🖐🤬
I was married to a narcissist for 34 years. We ran two successful businesses together. I convinced myself that I led a charmed life. As my husband aged it became so much worse. In the end I was terrified of him. Never physical abuse but the psychological abuse was a nightmare. I finally had the courage to leave and initiate divorce proceedings. I still didn't know about this syndrome, but watching your videos was like you had been following me around for the last 20 years. The divorce was going to be terrible and expensive. Then he unexpectedly died. It seems an awful thing to say what a relief but really??? Since then your videos have been enormously helpful for me in understanding what I have been through. Thank you.
They are a wrecking ball! I did not shed one tear when the abusive father died and I will not shed a tear when the abusive/narc ex (18 years married) when he dies. Grief over the worst persons in your life isn't necessary to heal and doesn't mean you have something wrong with you! Enjoying my peace and quiet! Glad your healing journey is going well!
How are you coping? I literally am going through the exact situation. Married 33 yrs, divorcing and he dies. I feel like I'm in a vortex of so many emotions. Some days I absolutely remember why I was divorcing him and then there are the trauma bonded days where I can't seem to function. I have no family or friends to lean on who have a clue about the complexity of my entire life and now I can't be mad at him. It's only been 6 months. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated
Mine also died abruptly. Was almost like a blessing in disguise. He would've destroyed our kids if he lived and participated in raising then. He was so mentally sick and everyone owed him, he tormented me everyday, even after I left and started a new relationship. Maybe God must have had enough of him tormenting other people as a byproduct of his suffering.
I've been single for 2.5 years with no dating, texting, talking, etc., with any man. In that time, I've reconnected with my self-worth to the point where I now understand that I don't want to be with a person with whom there's only superficial compatibility but rather someone similar to me and highly compatible on a deeper level. I am all for friendship first to get to know a new person slowly before deciding anything more. My current social circle is relatively small to limit exposure to narcissists who seem to be lurking around every corner.
It's been 4 yrs for me with no dating (except 3 dates in the first year, once each). I was friends with my ex-narc for 6 yrs, then we dated for 2 yrs long distance. He betrayed me for new supply and is now on his 3rd relationship. I'm still filled with anger after all this time for some reason. I don't trust others or myself to make wise choices. I love the safety & peace of being alone, although I do miss companionship sometimes.
@@Wishpool I was friend with my narcissist ex for a couple years, dated a couple years, cheated on me a few times. Thought I could forgive/forget. lol, jokes on me. One thing I have learned: loved, and respect myself. That has helped me got away from my ex easier.
1/ Going No Contact.. 2/. Educating Yourself About Narcissistic Abuse. 3/ Learning Self Care 4/ Start Setting Boundaries 5/. Set Time Limits On Ruminating.. 6/ Bonus Allowing Yourself To Grieve
I started setting boundaries on the people I allow into my life. After the Narc died there were still a few obnoxious friends of his that kept contacting and harassing me. I used to kindly respond to their emails and texts but not anymore. I blocked them. Over the past few years of listening to Dr. Ramani and others, I have also started to pay attention to what triggers me and why.
Pardon me for the joke but at least yours died! 😂😂😂😂 My ex- narcissistic wife still believes she controls me, that it was all my fault and that she never cheated 😂😂😂
I learned a lot from HG Tudor here on TH-cam. He is a highly aware Narc/Psychopath. He gives raw facts from the narc perspective. So you thoroughly understand how they think, why they do what they do. 2 weeks of HG in my ears and even the grief is gone. I see it for what it was and accepted the clown for what he is.
Do not rebound!! The relationship with yourself is the most important thing right now. Today is the day for you. Dec 31 2020 is the day i walked away. Still single now . I take myself on dates, i fix myself nice meals. I take care of my body. I nurture my mind, soul and body. This is so important. A new relationship after a narcissist is a distraction. Now is the time to heal and grow. No distraction, no excuses. Love yourself.
I agree 100%!! My adult narc son has happily destroyed my self confidence so many times. It was so tough! I'm so happy to be free from his abuse now by leaving or hanging up the moment he starts raising his voice, disrespecting or being rude to me.
Allow yourself to be perfected by the imperfections of the things around you. You are the blade, the world and its beings, are the sharpening stone. Do it right, and you will become very sharp indeed. Everything hides a lesson, and no matter how bad you might fail at something, if you can learn from it, then you have become stronger, and your efforts were never in vain at all. I don't think I've ever done anything especially well on the first try, but if I wanted to do something badly enough, I have Never failed to learn how. 🕊️♥️🍀🧠🎶💪🏼
Married in 1973 divorced 2021 I have struggled for years; he went to his "own" room and "never" came out for over 20 years. I am now 71 and have struggled with who "I" am for most of my life. It is so much work to try and recover and figure "out who I am" but I am working on it day by day.
Some days are much longer than others… stay strong is soooo easy to tell others… but once u’ve been inside pure toxicity… even with good values… scars need time to heal. 🫶
I agree I need at least a year to grieve and heal and regain my former self which I have been doing for past 5 months. Thank you for your videos. They have helped me alot❤️
I didn’t even realize I was in a 25 year mentally abusive relationship with a narcissist until she left me for a boy have my age The horror stories my kids have told me about their childhood Your videos are really helping me get through tough times Been no contact for two months now and it seems to be working great No more making excuses for her No more bailing her out of trouble I had horrible stomach pains most of my life. All of a sudden they’re gone. I’ve never been closer with my kids Thank you
00:21 - 12 month detox 10:19 - Allow yourself time to grieve 19:26 - Find solace in solitude 28:20 - Show yourself forgiveness 37:40 - Find meaning and purpose
Why shouldn't it be taught in schools??? Toxic behaviour isn't necessarily picking on any one person,its giving people the tools in helping children grow up with healthy boundaries against the toxic behaviour in itself as a tool.
I kept telling myself I was ready for a relationship, 3 months after a breakup (7 year relationship). I have just realized my new partner is a narcissist, and I am broken again. 12 month detox is CRUCIAL, and if the person is your soul mate, they will wait. Make friendships and find yourself again ❤
For each person, the timing is different, and I've found that the longer the relationship was, the more time it takes to detox and get re-centered. For every month a relationship goes on, typically, I wind up losing a year. The last relationship went on for 6 1/2 years, and I'm completely content that I ended it over a decade ago. I really don't ever want another relationship, not because I think they can't be good things, but because you can't wear a blindfold, spin around a few times, then throw a rock without hitting a narcissist. They're just bleed'n everywhere, and I'm done.
I'm here to testify this is the absolute best advice! One of the most important things taken from us is our JOY. Everything became a chore. Hobbies we genuinely enjoyed were obliterated, including the desire to do them. Natural talents beaten down and ignored. More than anything, I wanted to feel my JOY again. It took a lot of time alone, a lot of tears, a lot of anger to release, so much toxicity to purge. I didn't want to strain a new relationship with that baggage, and have never been interested in temporary, rebound, or vindictive relationships. The alone time also forced me to see the family roots of narcissism and scapegoating, and to disconnect from them also. I have my JOY back! My hobbies! My talents! Boundaries! So grateful I took that TIME. ❤🙏
I've been through a terrible narcissistic relationship and I've taken things that people have said personal and it really wasn't about me. I catch myself still having problems with some men because I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to heal from him.
@shaylynn2577 You will when you get tired enough of wasting emotion on something that didn't deserve you to begin with. He isn't crying over you. You will, when you finally refuse to be a victim, care for YOURSELF first. You have all the power you need, if you'll just use it. I say this with love and compassion: you CAN DO IT. You just have to want to. 🙏❤🙏
“A lot of the narcissistic relationship lived in your head”. This line really struck me. I think this is true if myself trying to handle the loss of my children. The dreams I had about how our relationships would unfold and evolve as they grew up and had their own kids is not at all reality. It is very difficult to come to terms with what you hoped for and what is real when it involves your children and grandchildren. Horrendous amount of grief.
Absolutely devastating. The narc can rot, it is what was done to the Children and Grandchildren that there are no words for the sorrow of it all. I have empathy for all of you suffering that as well! ❤
When I kicked my ex-husband out, his best friend came to talk to me to see if there was any chance of taking him back as I had twice before. When he realized that this was the end for me, he actually commented that I looked like I was glowing, like when I was pregnant. He said that this was the best I have looked in years! What's interesting is that I heard the same thing from several friends and their husbands! Apparently, I had grown to have a kind of sourpuss or sad face living with my narc. It's nice to see and hear that there is a difference when one is free from narcissistic abuse .
I’m experiencing the exact reaction too! My friends that I have confided to that I am going through a divorce have commented that I sound better already, and look relieved and more alive. I actually feel so relieved and excited about my future, even though my lifestyle of living in a nice home on the lake, not working, having health insurance is going away! I am moving into a tiny apartment, going to look for employment soon, but I am so thrilled that I don’t have to deal with my so called “husband” any longer! I will be so happy to wake up in the morning and be myself! I have spent YEARS waking up, dreading the day, dreading having to be in the same room with him. My chest feels like it’s bursting in anticipation for the day I get to say, “GOODBYE!”
I’m almost 4 years dealing with the end my 23 year marriage. I can’t even think of dating. I couldn’t imagine dealing with another heart break in this lifetime. I don’t think you ever fully heal.
I divorced 7 years ago also having had a 23 year marriage to a narc (something about the 23 year mark in these marriages...) Anyway, I am still dealing with the fallout because my abusive narc mother died 2 years ago and my narc golden child sister tried to steal my inheritance so sometimes I feel I will never have peace. I will never date again or be in any romantic relationship. Presently, the narcs in my life are either dead or giving me the silent treatment so if I could just get past the ruminating I can move on...
@@l.5832 I have about almost the same too....and I want to feel bigger than them which is very hard and the ruminating as well..............so lets kick off next week and be strong and remember we are good enough and their loss. and remember we gave our all only to be beat down. They are actually the ones that will not be ok. They may act it but they will be worse angry they didn't win. hugs we got this.
Yes you can, or you will. Maybe it's a naive thought. I was only there 4 years (and that was 6 years ago). I'm in great therapy, and I'm starting to feel peace and love towards me and others again. I almost ended up like her. I would even tell you that this has made me see that I was looking for these types of relationships by already having low self-esteem and a poor connection with myself since childhood, that person simply twisted (unconsciously I think) those defects until my weak self ended. completely destroyed, losing all hope, however, it can sprout again, fertilizing, giving it warmth. Give yourself lots of compassion, love, forgiveness and patience. Lots of encouragement and strength, you can do it.
I struggled with not only forgiving myself, but trusting myself to choose safe people. Hell, I didnt trust myself to keep her at arms length if she popped back up and was constantly scared she would. But if you're in that spot I gotta say it gets better and you're in the right place. Keep talking to people in our survivor community and educating yourself! Choose to be narc-proof and make it your mission. Also this is one of the best comments sections on the Internet - much love to y'all! ❤️❤️❤️
that's where I'm at. I'm so scared that I'm going to get a text on my phone just when I'm getting healing and to the point of not crying and wondering what the hell happened, so many lies so much bullshit, I hope I can trust myself if he texts me again to stay away
Thankyou Dr Ramani. I was only 3 months into a disgusting Narcissistic relationship. I stood up to the Narcissist and I got out fast. The last thing the Narcissist did was steal my house keys, no problem I got onto it fast and changed the locks. Problem solving is one of my super powers lol. I healed by getting straight back into my social circle, found some friendships in animals ,cats and horses. It's only been 2 plus months and I'm healed. I'm back to my old self. I'm free spirited so I practice that as much as life let's me. I journal and go to a support group. Picked up new hobbies and I'm happy
It all went down in 2009. I was married for five years. I can’t believe I survived the whole thing. I’m still unpacking narcissistic relationships and trauma bonding symptoms. But damn! It feels good to be climbing up and out!
I totaly agree..I am 2 years out and still have not dated! And I am more happy and fulfilled than I ever was in that toxic narcissistic relationship! 😊
30+ yrs and I'm on year 4 of being "single" and honestly I think I need more time still. It still amazes me at how many things you've talked about that have hit the nail on the head in my situation. I'd like to thank you @Dr. Ramani. I'm gonna take all the time I need ( and still watch more of your videos) to heal and then make new connections. Sometimes I think I should write a book but then I click on one of your videos and you're saying exactly what I would be writing. I still shake my head in disbelief that others have been through similar things. I only hope to one day help others to be a survivor. Dr. Ramani you ROCK!!!! I am so beyond grateful for you and to you. 💯💜2💜
When the dust settled, I was in a beautiful wilderness to give birth to myself, but the narcissist was still in the recliner in my brain. It took time to do spring cleaning but it was so worth it. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I have no need to forgive myself. I was not the aggressor. I was not the manipulator. I was not the abuser. I was mistreated. I was abused. I had love withheld. My "ex" has yet to move out of the house, but our divorce was finalized months ago. He groveled and involved his family. It delayed his leaving. But, 2024 is the year of freedom for us. I have given him until the end of January to leave. If he doesn't leave peacefully, I will have him removed with the police department. He better go nicely. But, I'm done. I'm no longer going to overlook the abuse. I don't want this for myself or my kids. I want happiness to return. I want socialization to return. I want myself to return. I am done changing who I am to make a miserable man happy. Because it just isn't working for any of us.
Good luck. A narc not moving out of the house is a classic narc move. I continued to put up with it all for years because I didn't have the financial means to fight the situation. However, a girlfriend had a similar situation and did fight it. It took her lawyers, a lot of money and about two years, but she finally got him out of the house.
I am so sorry to tell you this, but if he’s legally lived in that house and he has proof of that, the police can do nothing to evict him. It is a civil not criminal matter and you will need a lawyer, court orders, and clear documentation of the processes and even then, it may be very difficult to physically remove him, which is what they’re counting on. You’re still being played by the narcissist, so get realistic and play smart right back!
Dr. Ramini is right! I tried having a new relationship just 7 months after the dramatic, painful discard and divorce. I was excited for about a week, then my body reacted in strange ways. I got rashes on my face and body, I felt sick a lot and had vertigo, I lost so much weight. I had to end the relationship and really start working on myself. Learning about Narcissistic abuse was very hard to grasp. I had to accept that my husband of 15 years is a Covert Narcissist who never loved me. It's been 3 years now and I have gone through painful anniversary dates, brain fog and health problems. I finally do feel better! 3 years. Now I have a relationship with a nice man. I'm only sad at times and get over it quickly.
I believe the grief is compounded by "failure". Having someone constantly selling you on the fantasy of what this relationship may eventually become, it became some futuristic alternative reality. I find myself grieving failing to "hang in there" to eventually achieve something that was never going to happen. Everyone has goals they work toward and the more you invest, the more crushing it can be when it "fails".
Thanks for sharing this perspective. You’re right. I get it. I did that for years. I actually have felt guilty for not hanging in longer for the sake of our kids. But I know I had to because the kids and I both suffered.
Omg I’m currently healing after 20 yr relationship like this. I had to learn what my favorite food was, I finally didn’t have to wear a hoodie in the house in summer. We separated Oct 2022 and he finally moved out of our house May 5 2023. I will never forget how good and peaceful I slept the 1st night. I literally woke up and cried the next morning. For the first time in yrs my first thought was not the worry of doing something wrong and no more egg shells to walk on. No fear of not doing a house choir done before he got home from work. It was so normal I didn’t even know how bad it was until I was out of it. Even our kids celebrated that first day. We are healing and looking forward to a better us.
That hoodie thing indoors in the summer... He's psychotic and needs a psychiatrist as well as a psychotherapist. No one has any right to require another person to do something that insane. Obviously, the other stuff he put you all through was bad too, but I would hazard the guess that the hoodie thing was actually the most bizarre (of the things you mentioned above). If he were a prison inmate, honestly, I think the guards would start a gambling pool, to try to determine just how crazy he could get after 1 year in prison.
If you don't give yourself the time to heal, you dive head first into another Narc relationship, I have done just that. This last time, I gave up meeting anyone for anything. 3 yrs. Single and free. Working on me. It's worth it.
Thing is, you have to realize what the H just happened first. You can't heal when you don't have the information. Best thing everyone here can do is spread the knowledge around, especially to younger generations. This sh^t-hole cycle has to end. Let the buck stop with *us.*
I agree. 12 months is not long enough, especially if you are not really working on your own issues or distracting yourself in some other way. The longer you were in the relationship, the longer you need to delve into yourself, clear your space, gain understanding and HEAL.
Dr. Ramani, this is EXACTLY what I needed to soothe 58 years of abuse from demonic covert narc mother and extremely abusive malignant, possessed, narc sister. All I want to do today is relax with my cat and feel safe and warm.
This describes me, except in the reverse: it is my mother who is the malignant, possessed narcissist, and my sister who is the covert narcisisst. I have had to cut them both out of my life. I went permanently no cotact with my mother almost 4 years ago. I went no contact with my sister 6 years ago, but last year let her back in by email and text (she lives out of the country). After 6 months of me being the one keeping the communication going, and her playing her usual mind games, I have decided to let her go again. It's sad not to have a family, but there is peace in not having to deal with constantly being gaslighted and abused.
My narcissist spouse died almost 2 yrs ago. I have no interest in a romantic relationship at this point in life. 45 yrs of emotional abuse and being undermined by his malignant narcissist mother did great damage. There were enough good times to kep me hsnging on and the fact thst I did love the man. I just didn't like him!.in the aftermath of the whole situation I now am Free. Moved away from hus Narcissist Family Cult and started a New Life. Very satisfied at this point and content. Happy with my freedom. Have been through therapy and have reconciled the past. I am fine with celebicy and GG ave moved on. Two adult sons from this disfunctional marriage was my only benefit. Great guys and well rounded. Grateful for the small victories in life and moving forward now. Thanks Dr. R.
Good for you!! My ex fiancé of almost four years died too and he was a covert narcissist so I did a lot of the same things you did, I moved away from his abusive family and changed my number and I am finally enjoying my hobbies again and even though the anniversary of his death is coming up soon it will be just like when our anniversary came up, I will have a great day!! I had completely forgotten about our anniversary so I am so happy to be here with my wonderful son and his wife and now I’m going to focus on becoming a grandma hopefully soon!! I don’t ever want to look back on that relationship ever again!! So far I’ve been healing well!! Glad you have your sons!! That was your soul purpose in that relationship and in life!! I’m just sorry it had to take so long before he was out of your life!! Sending you positive thoughts and energy!!!🩷
Omg you hit my soul. I said that EXACT thing to my relative “It’s bad enough to grieve someone who’s dead but do you know how bad it is to know they’re still alive?” Nail on the head ❤
Thank you once again Dr Ramani. I got divorced after a 35 year marriage. Kept doing self development work, and finally broke through my own resistance. I wrote the novel I dreamt of writing. Two days after I announced I'd finished the rough draft, happy and full of enthusiasm, he initiated an affair. Said my behavior was terrible. Of course I wished I got out sooner before he took my money and my home - but I'm the winner because I'm out. I haven't felt lonely since the day we went to court and finalized the decision - 3 yers ago. And I've finished Ten novels now. Working on number eleven. Still learning how to support myself - since marketing my creative work was verboten during my marriage. But it isn't anymore.
@barbaraferrier9956 thank you for your testimony. I have wanted to write a book for some time. When I married my narc on 3-3-06, he raved about how much he loved reading the way I describe stories. Today 3-3-24, after having many of my writings "accidentally erased, during backing up the computer". I had given up the dream of getting the stories out of my head. So long ago now, that I had forgotten that I ever had the dream. You reminded me of the love I have for writing. I don't know how I can sleep tonight. As I made up my mind over the holidays to file for my divorce tomorrow. I can hardly wait to get to the courthouse in the morning. I have been oddly happy today. Even when he informed me that there would be no going out for dinner. Even though he had been mentioning it every day last week. Instead we were going to have bologna and cheese sandwiches. Because he's just too broke to spend money on a frivolous dinner. I loved that he made it so easy for me to finally put myself first. I couldn't stop smiling. Even after he'd lash out at me for doing so. When he said that he wanted a divorce. I told him 'that's great. Because, that's exactly what you are getting!", while unable to control the excitement I was feeling. Of course, he went into our bedroom and told me to get my things out of there. I was already almost done. I had been doing that while he was at the store planning his big reveal for dinner. I have gone about my day. Singing and getting my 6 yr old granddaughter ready for the school week. Making sure my friend was still planning on going to the court in the morning. I had to laugh when he figured out that I am actually serious. He tapped on the door to my new room and asked if we were going to dinner. The volume of my response startled me, 'I yelled, "Nope! You bought bologna and cheese for dinner today. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY!" About an hour later he was in his room coughing and coughing. Guess who didn't go running in to offer medicine and water? He actually commented to that attention seeking. As he carried on "choking to his death" for nearly 90 minutes. I think that he's finally given up acting like a child for the night. By the time he wakes up, the papers will already be filed. And I can hardly wait. Thank you again, for reminding me of my passion. I'm going to write about everything!
I just past 5 years single after 15 years with a narcissist. I am enjoying my solitude and definitely feel more alone and alienated when around other people. Most do not have a clue what you have been through and make cliche statements, it’s not their fault but just the reality of reality.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, you’re the best psychologist that depicts how those narky scoundrels are. The victims need help to become healthy, and whole again, and, not repeat the same mistake again 😅
I hung in for fifteen years for the kids. I regret that now. I did not deserve the abuse I took, and did not realize the damage to my physical health and psyche I survived- but just. Time is our most valuable currency. Don’t waste it.
Agree. Grew up in an abusive narc home, where my Mom "stayed for the kids." All that did was expose us to more and more narcissistic abuse. I understand that parents often don't understand that they aren't the only ones being abused, especially in situations where they never witness the other parents physically harming the children, but the psychological damage is very, very real, and it does everything from mentally disabling the kids to flat out ruining their lives, well into their adult years. I'm sorry that that's a heavy-handed truth, but it is what it is. I appreciate that you own up to the mistake. I encourage you to reach out to your kids, make no excuses, apologize to them for this mistake, and ask what you can do to help them pick up the pieces of their broken lives or their mental health or whatever it is that was damaged in their cases. Even if they're adults now, you have a responsibility to fix what your decision to stay broke, even if you didn't (when you were a young parent) understand the mistake you were making. Tons of parents make that mistake and don't realize the kind of harm they're doing to their kids while making it. I also encourage you to keep spreading the word that giving "it's for the kids" as a reason to stay is the worst reason a parent can give. In some cases, it's a cop-out. In others, it's literally blaming the children for the decision to stay. Either way, or if it's for entirely some other motivation, it's the wrong decision, every time.
1:12 I totally agree before I listening to the rest of the video. I've been married for 13 years and I'm still in the midst of a divorce. I'm really tired of defining myself through the lens of narcissistic abuse. I havent had a chance to grow for myself and im looking forward to the challenge.
James 1:12 New International Version 12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
If you are a caring person (aka empathetic) - you will consider preparing yourself first... to bring value into every relationship. Therefore healing yourself & becoming a healthy person, companion and contributor to each & every relationship is vitally important. After years of brainwashing and gaslighting, take time & care...to find the genuine you...again. Entering a new relationship is complex. If you are not healed from narcissistic abuse...you will unavoidably (though unintentionally) inadvertently contaminate new relationships with the "old baggage". Make sure to give yourself a chance to heal. Be sure to bring your very best (and no longer contaminated) self into every new relationship. That is...if you sincerely want it to be genuine and for real relationships to last.
I took one year from last Christmas to this Christmas to recover from the narcissistic relationship with my daughter. It’s the most healing, best journey I have ever taken.
I've just done one year no contact from a Narcissistic situationship. I feel in a better place now through successfully passing through all the key calendar points. This really makes sense.
I've been almost 3 years no relationship an its been wonderful I also had a whole life of these toxic behaviors. My parents anyway finally 46 an the trauma bond is broke an broke my family curse with these abuses .. stay strong God loves us all. We got this
I grieved mostly over losing or giving away all my young years and at 76 I develop peace and tranquility! This holiday was beautiful with lovely family! We had such a good loving time! No one to ruin it! ❤❤
I understand totally. But to say "too late" I ask, for what? Do we really and truly need to be part of a couple? Is there not a way to show love, generosity, compassion and kindness to all sentient beings with the unique gift of who we are by ourselves? We are in the same age range so I refer you to Leo Buscaglia who practiced the art of love and kindness to all with great joy and freedom. Truthfully, at 72 and being alone for 38 years I don't think about ever marrying again. It's just not part of the thought process or planning. Helping and protecting others who are voiceless like all animals and my little dogs fills the need to give of oneself without expectation. It fills us with gratitude for this beautiful earth.
@@rebeccadavis1410 I was 49 to 62. The kids were out of the house. 2nd marriage. I thought we would grow old together. I don’t think I can ever do a relationship again. I don’t trust my judgement or them to be real.
Yes. It’s hard to decode, “deprogram” and even realize the subtle things that happened that research is still trying to figure out. The entire year must be filled with hard, beautiful work, and if the work doesn’t happen, healing/suffering could go on for the _rest_ of your life, with you feeling stuck in damage. The powerful year-long work is crucial but signifies your freedom now.
I have been divorced since 1999 - I only had 3 men ask me out … one I knew was married. Another I thought was so I asked him why he didn’t ask his wife to go out-he said all she does is complain. The third was just a creep. I did have a fourth hit on me, but he was from Germany-his wife was back in Germany. SMH. I think I finally got my Do Not Disturb sign turned on. I’m happy being alone (I’m an introvert anyway). Finally happy and not willing to trust another partner.
Thank you Dr. Ramani This is my second marriage with a covert narcissist. And each time, listening to your videos made me leave. I am obviously disappointed in myself that I didn’t see it the second time. So when you said to ‘forgive yourself’ it was exactly what I needed to hear. You do a great job.
So true Dr Ramani..I have been out of the narc relationhip less than two months and I feel lost, I feel Ive lost myself, no longer knowing who I am, I feel like a ship cast loose, with no compss and no anchor and I didnt go to a family /christmas get togther as I couldnt face happy clappy people. I feel extremely sad, I am grief stricken for all I have lost and there has been a LOT. It is the most horrible space to be in I am trying to process all the different feelings as I dont even know what I want any more either, and that is scary....!
(1) Volunteer for a day or several weeks. (2) Take a class to learn something. (3) Pick up a new or old hobby. (4) Watch the sun rise for a monrh. (5) Walk 3 times a week. (6) Talk with a counselor.
Bless you, and sending you a warm hug. Your feelings are completely normal. I hope you have support, or can find support to help you vent, talk, let off steam, talk things through and process your grief. As Dr. Ramani says, counselling and journalling are super-helpful; they certainly have for me. I'm at 8 months out. I hope you feel better soon. ❤️
I am right there with you, I've only been out of my relationship a couple of months, and I'm terrified, everyday, he'll text me, and I'll fa right back into it. He was like my twin thought he was my soulmate, and the lies and I rethink everything, I went through the manipulation, please give me advice to stay strong and stay away!!
@@kerirogers6923I'm right there with you. It's been almost a mth since we separated. He texts me everyday like everything is fine. And he wants my support I gave him in our relationship. I decided to go no contact today. .I've tried several times before. But I'm so tired now. I'm tired of being alone in the relationship. I'm tired of being sad. I miss him. So much. It's like he doesn't feel the same. He's not grieving. He's moving through life without me. And it's torture. I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm sorry so many people are.
I was in a narc relationship for almost 15 years. He is the father of my children and I still have to deal with him. I have been single since leaving that relationship (which I had to move into my families home so he would leave me be) but I cannot imagine being in another relationship even tho I have met some amazing men. I feel way too broken. I don’t know how to get myself back. I’m still a shell of a person and idk who I am anymore. It’s the worst doom like feeling I’ve ever felt. I’m so glad to have found this channel bc I can resonate with it so much and hope to be able to start to heal
I totally agree. After escaping from a narcissistic marriage 26 years ago. The narcissistic partner will still push your buttons during the year and up to three years afterwards. I agree, and promise yourself that you will get over this relationship and you will reward yourself with a healthy relationship in the future. Happy New Year to everyone in the Community group 🍷🥂🍻. Remember you need someone to help you and you need to start by letting that helpful person be yourself 🤔🤫. You are a survivor and you will break free🎉🎉
Right?! My best advice is to realize that most "available" adults are narcissists or have other serious psychotic disorders that they work very hard to mask.
This could not have come at a more perfect time. I had watched your videos for over a year now and have recently broke off an emotionally abusive relationship of ten years. As someone with BPD, this has been a devastating experience, and I've been terrified just thinking of how much damage they've caused me over the years. I've grown stressed to the point of growing physically ill, to the point of getting an ulcer, to the point of hospitalization from my body shutting down. Breaking it off was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I'm now able to focus on myself and have been looking for ways to cope after this. I still with struggle and self doubt but I take comfort in knowing that the constant cloud of self hatred and doubt that surrounded me for the past decade is starting to clear up. I know healing isn't linear and it'll be a rough road ahead but I'm grateful that I was able to recognize what was happening and put a stop to it.
So true about the hypersensitivity to the comments of others now! I'm on edge and thus more peaceful alone. I'm even reevaluating so-called friendships. Need to build skills for handling all these people and their comments. Looking forward to healthy individualization!!
I separated from a narcissist woman 4 years ago. We finally got a dissolution a few months ago and I’m still working on getting fully extricated from the relationship. I recently stumbled onto your videos on TH-cam and I can’t tell you how much they have helped me. I hadn’t been able to talk about the experience with other people because I couldn’t express how crazy it was. Hearing a stranger describe what I went through so accurately down to the tiniest detail was beyond revelatory. Thanks to you I know that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy. Thank you!!!
Forgiving ourselves for being deceived! For some of us, forgive ourselves many times, if/when we keep repeating the same insanity, getting into another relationship w/another love-bombing a**hole🐍
Thank you! It’s been 8 years alone and it’s definitely not enough! I love alone and learning and understanding what it all was I lived my entire life! The grief is so real! I am not sure I ever developed ME! I am still learning! I have only one toxic person left in my life and that’s about to be finished too! Cut off their supply of adulation and they find new avenues to get it! So my second adult son has started finding new supply! When I realized how much he was acting like his Dad and my second husband I said to myself- no way!! I can choose! I chose peace! ❤❤
I feel like narcist gives everything away from you, including your personality. You have no idea what you feel, what you want, what’s good and what’s bad.
I really appreciate the reminder that simply *living* in alignment with our values is living a meaningful life --- I laughed at your list (min 47) because SO many people told me to write a book or asked if I'll join a podcast or when I'll go back to college or lead a small group of survivors... to make "purpose from my pain". Hearing you took off some of those burdens that still weigh of me 👏
How about 20 years single and not dating after a series of narcissistic relationships and I am STILL surrounded by narcissistic family and so called "friends." Whoever said that narcissists are a small percentage of the population has in, my opinion, diminished the actual reality. They are EVERYWHERE. And you can never really heal, because there is always one around the corner sizing you up for an attack. I am in my early 70s now. Single. And this has been my life long experience. The attacks have been consistent and ongoing throughout my life. It has been a neverending struggle to survive. Most people are just looking for a vulnerability and an opportunistic chance to get you when you are down. Happy New Year.
Dr. Ramani as always you are right. I’m 8 months in of no contact. We went out off and on, off and on, off and on…you get the picture for three and a half years. Over these last couple months I’m just now starting to feel like myself and truly starting to heal. The grief sucks, it’s so hard at the beginning and you do want to jump into and find a loving relationship. You want to find somebody else to help feel the wounds or there is now so much time because you’re not solely focused on a single person and there is peace and quiet that things feel wrong and you miss the chaos you miss having some meaning (even if the relationship or meaning is toxic and killing you). But in that peace there is hope and strength and knowledge! There is rediscovering yourself, your friends, your family! And out of that hopefully the next relationship will be healthy and allow you to be able to find and know who the one is and find a healthy person!
@yehudabarnett7575 Agreed. I’m two years out of my ten years of hell. I have also been on and off for about two years. Now I am no contact. Seeing you were also on off makes me feel less shame for my actions. Your message makes me realize I’m okay, I made mistakes and that’s okay!
OMG you brought back a memory. Towards the end of the relationship with the X, I flat out asked him to engage with me in a conversation about something philosophical I was exploring. I just wanted him to show a LITTLE interest, for goodness' sake. He replied, voice dripping with sarcasm, "Oh I get it, you want to figure everything out. That used to be important to me, but I have moved past that." It's funny now, but really bizarre and upsetting at the time.
Isn’t it amazing how they can take one little spark of happiness and drench it with a ice storm of malice? One tiny bit of good that they themselves did not bestow is an enormous threat to the narcissist.
Yeah, this sounds so familiar. My narc would constantly lament the fact that I never wanted to talk about anything remotely interesting with her. Everything I brought up was so boring/childish/beneath her. Hilarious coming from the 39 y/o who only watched barbie cartoons on repeat 😂 wtaf
Those little digs and comments of contempt, repeated over and over, break the spirit to despair. Had a narc spouse, now removing myself from narc parents. Grieving my experience, but honored to be a safe place for my daughters…breaking the intergenerational curse
Dr. Ramani, you are so right about this. Your compassion brings tears to my eges. My narcissistic relationship ended over 30 years ago and I am still learning to forgive myself for what I didn't know.
I totally agree with this and 12 months. I'm scared to death of even thinking about something new. I hate that I feel that way and know I just need time to heal.
I am absolutely healing and working to forgive myself. I’m surrounding myself with healthy people, mostly women friends and have been very happily single for 14 months!! No intention to even try dating for a long while. I’m happy on my own…all my love and energy goes to me and my beautiful, vibrant 8 year old daughter!! Her father is a vulnerable narcissist…I will always have love for him and will keep him at a distance. My daughter loves him, yet starts to see/ feel the signs already. We have many discussions about boundaries, healthy emotional regulation, empathy and her self worth. I encourage her relationship with him, I give her permission to love him and I teach her how to set boundaries and know HER self worth. She deserves kindness and respect….when someone does not show her these basic healthy relationship skills, it’s time to walk away or create distance. I try to lead by example, example, example!!! I’m re-connecting with the essence of myself, loving myself again and enjoying the freedom from abuse!! My first dream was for the 3 of us to be a happy, healthy family….that dream slowly died and my second dream I am currently living!!! 💗 😊
Yes, you are correct!!! You forget who you are, your value and are in a vulnerable state after a narcissistic relationship. When you take all that time, you remember your strengths, regain your self, self trust and healthy strategies going forward. The longer you go it alone, the stronger and smarter you become!
I'm in month 8, and I'm in no hurry. I'm just window shopping. Lol. I know what my deal breakers are now, and i won't ever defer my self- worth to anyone else again.
I learned a lot from HG Tudor here on TH-cam. He is a highly aware Narc/Psychopath. He gives raw facts from the narc perspective. So you thoroughly understand how they think, why they do what they do. 2 weeks of HG in my ears and even the grief is gone. I see it for what it was and accepted the clown for what he is.
Dr Ramani oh my goodness! This is 24 carot gold!! Don't know how you do it, but you get the advise to me in the way I need. Your videos shone a light on many of my relationships. Yep childhood was tough, then I was drawn to narcissistic people later. I've listened to you for years. Thank you for your continued hard work on this subject. I am truly grateful ❤🇬🇧
Isn't it remarkable how, once recognized, how easy it is to pinpoint and even predict what they do? Thank God for you Dr. Ramani. You've really made me feel like there's SOMEONE in my corner.
I have been separated for over a year and my divorce is still in process. I just realized that my soon to be ex is a narcissist maybe two months ago. The grief is enormous. I can feel how thirsty I am to affection. The first a few months of separation, I was in survival mold, and now I finally start to see it.
Married 18 years to a very toxic/narc...started healing journey and divorce 3 yrs ago. I've found that being alone has been tremendously healing. Going no contact is a must and reading Dr. Ramani's book better than a therapist...
happy holidays, Dr. Ramani and bravo to the end segment of your video. Forgive Yourself because you just didn’t know is the ticket , and it’s something I realized through listening to your videos and through spirituality. Forgiving yourself first means radical acceptance that you were not equipped to deal with the narc because we grew up compromised. We end up, realizing we were both compromised me, and the narc , I clicked in that I am not my thoughts, and I am not born to be dominated by anyone. It’s up to the narc to have a dark Knight of the soul, or an ego death to come to the same realization.
Dr Ramani this video hit home for me in sooo many places!! I needed to hear this like I need air and water. I am CPTSD and have stumbled through 23 years with a covert narcissist after two other narc marriages....I thought I was the stupidest person with a college earned masters degree on the entire planet!! Bless you for your ability to help us understand ourselves! I know you have been here yourself. God bless you!!❤
That was a beautiful help to my journey - I will keep these examples in my “new wish list” going forward- Thank You Dr Ramani - I wouldn’t have gotten this far without your videos. I pray I make it to myself again 🙏🏻💪🏻💛🧡❤️
A Narc teacher of mine was one of my worst bullies. He would ask me if I cared what ppl think of me. What a stupid question to ask. Dr. Ramani said it best! “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” -Lao Tzu
This is one of the most helpful messages I have received. “Just get back to you.” So simple, but so true. My heart has been broken for over a month and this is really helping me come back to life. Thank you so much for what you do.
When it is over, consider your next relationship an LAT relationship Living apart together Works for us, and it is the only way to fly. Now in our 27th year and very happy We never fight. There is nothing to fight over!😉
It took me about a year to leave a three year relationship as I kept being pulled in. Then I read about ‘grey rocking’ which did the trick and I managed to escape the ‘tentacles’. Single for 2.5 years now and in no hurry to start another relationship 💪🏼🙌🏼
After a very difficult divorce, I bought a townhouse in another state and started wriing books. Later, in another relationship, when I began to be devalued, I was able to say to myself, but I bought a townhouse and write books!!
I’m in my 4th year living like a gypsy in my ‘95 Chevy Roadtrek camper van. A dream come true even on my small SS income. I’ve been living alone for two decades but only really learned about narcissism in the past 2 years. My mother was an alcoholic narcissist and still is but a dry drunk for the past 40 years. I’ve been waking up and scrutinizing family and friends, finding all the narcissists in my life. Yes, the vigilance and revved engine when meeting new people and socializing. This video was so spot on for me, especially during this holiday. Thank you.
This is the Best advice. I ran straight into two short, toxic relationships after finally leaving the long-term narcissistic relationship, and it just added so much more injury and pain. I’ve been single for five years since then and have gotten stronger every year. I finally feel healed, love and forgive myself, know myself better, and I know my judgment, self-esteem, and strength will never allow someone like that back into my life again. Such Freedom ❤️
I have been no contact with my family of origin for almost a year and it took me this long to forgive myself for not seeing my family for who they are. Forgiveness starts within our hearts. May we all have a blessed new year 🎉!
Wow. I'm less than five minutes into this video and I'm nodding like a bobblehead. I was in a narcissistically abusive relationship for three years and got out at the end of March. One year single? I'm happy to be single for the rest of my life. What Dr. Ramani said about the pizza toppings and the thermostat and the keys really hit close to home - after being out of that relationship for nine months I'm now finally able to eat avocados again (my narc was obsessed with them and insisted we each eat at least one a day), and I can find my phone and my keys at all times!
I was in a 33 year marriage to an emotionally abusive covert narcissist. He turned the kids against me - permanently...with lies that I am not allowed to know. It's been 4 years since he died, and I still do not trust myself to recognize narcissism, because they can hide it for a long time. I don't even think about getting into a relationship. I'm far too damaged....
You need a support team of people who have experienced and survived long term covert abuse. Perhaps looking beyond your existing relationships will be helpful. I will pray for your healing.
This couldn’t have come at a better time, Dr. Ramani! For two years I thought I was trying to help my (now ex) partner with an “avoidant attachment style.” Now I believe he is a Covert Narcissist. I’m slowly working my way out of my soft spot for him and separating his “goodness” from his “charm.” Thank you so much tor the insight! I believe I will always harbor a pocket of love for him and I wish him well and pray every day that he makes the changes he needs to make. But now it is time to live my life for me. 💜
A narcissistic relationship starts off like a beautiful dream and then it slowly turns into the worst of nightmares.
The most delusional of dreams and the worst of living nightmares in reality.
It didn't even take my ex that long for her mask to start falling off.
Because narcissists have mastered the art of selling you a dream and deliver a nightmare
Can a narcissist pretend to be loving and actually show affection and say sweet things?
I knew a girl with borderline, she had no idea neither did I, I loved her for a year, took a lot of mistreatment from her, she was widely arrogant and gaslighted a lot, but I felt she was vulnerable. Eventually after some hard to explain actions from her, I thought she was being cruel on purpose , I called her out .
I got a message from a guy claiming I was a narcissist because I was very mean to her . Turns out I’m almost positive he’s a narcissist .
He said things like “that’s not love, you didn’t make her biggest weakness into her greatest strength, no you don’t understand”
Etc. she was convinced he was her soulmate. He pretended to be her friend he knew everything when he messaged me. Anonymously. He only knew her for four days and told us we needed time to heal , meanwhile he’s boning her etc.
He later claimed he was messaging me to help me though I had left and brought me back in only to pretend I was a danger to her .
I feel terrible for her , I was there through so much and neither had any idea what she had and was never mean in person to her at all , I took a lot of ill treatment from her . Iv been wanting to reach out frankly , atleast to warn her . Everything the guy said sounded like a shallow pseudo romantic statement , he sounded wildly insecure to me. Publicly he said he never thought he’d find love again when they first met, oh but I guess he just had to save her right? Ugh ..
That’s exactly what it is. I just left my fiance and it turned into a living nightmare
9 days no contact. Grieving the person I thought he was, grieving the future I thought I had- its a lot… wish there was a fast forward button!
Same here!!!!😢😭😢😭
Sending you my love .. remember you are worth happiness , good health and a g8 future...
Same for me. I am so confused and I feel so guilty for finally yelling at him. I just wanted a conflict resolution, I apologized and I wanted just a talk and his apology. It never came and when he said Goodbye baby I just yelled at him. I don't know if it's me that wronged a good guy, of it this was really already a fantasy that I woke up from the day I wanted to hold my boundaries.
I hope you're still no contact. It's for the best
Study and learn these people are evil
I will die alone rather than doing that shit again. 2024 the year of spiritual awakenings and self love. i think 12 months is a short time to take and the more i think about it i need to find me heal me learn to love me. the whole thing has been so traumatic its going to take time to heal.
Amen 🙏... 32 years and this heavy sad .... do true. Thank you. Terrible Terrible humans 😢 that cause Terrible feelings... krarn yourself again and hiw yiu can be an even better version of yourself
I’m going through this same phase right now. 2024 is also my yr of spiritual awakenings and undoing of old thought processes that caused me to be stuck where I was. I’m free and you are free now ❤ even though it will take a process of healing and understanding that missing him (or her)doesn’t mean it was healthy for us to love them.
@noturbo I was married for 30 years to a narcissist and I didn't even know what One was 🤦♀️! It wasn't until he finally left that I realized how much he hurt Me, emotionally and physically abused. I too need a lot of time to heal and I agree, I'd rather die Alone than ever encounter this again. I know My picker is broken. I now know I had many narcissist prior to marrying this One that was hell from the beginning. I attempted suicide in the first 2 years of dating/marriage 4 times. He never cared. Red flags I should have known. But, 30 years ago I didn't have the internet or TH-cam or anything to know anything existed!! They're pure evil and I thank God for opening My eyes to the abuse. I'm a child of God and My body is a temple of God. Never again. This was a great video! Time for healing and I wish you all the best in your healing process. ❤ Bev Ann 🌻
@@BflyMom_212 Thank you and i am sorry you had to go thru all that horrible people who take no responsibility for their words and actions
It’s been almost 5 years for me… still not completely healed 😢
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 48 years and left 3 weeks ago 😳
Well done. I know it wasn't easy, but know it's worth it.😊
@kekisant that’s wonderful to know God bless you 💐
I'm 9 months out and every day gets better. I am so thankful for this healing time and education ❤ Dr. Ramani came into my TH-cam feed 4 years ago as I was diving back into sociopathy. She was so genuine and knowledgeable I kept watching her more and more which led me to realize my own mental health issues were maybe not improving bc my ex was emotionally abusive. I brought it up with my own therapist and she agreed. I was always making excuses and looking for the good in him. I needed to accept he never was good, it was all an act. I wish you well on your healing journey ❤️ you are so much stronger than you even know 💪
Thank you Angi your story gives me hope and confidence. Be blessed 🥰
I just walked away from 40 years with mine.
You’re not alone
My narc mom told me I would fall flat on my face when I bought my own home in my 20s and moved out. I did not. I was alone for 7 years, Years later when leaving an abusive 23 year marriage my husband told me I would fall flat on my face without him. That was 7 years ago. I still need to visit my counsellor occasionally after several years of counselling but I have not fallen flat on my face.
💪
Good for you!
I didn’t date for 14 years (yes, 14 years) afrer leaving a 10 year relationship. My kids were my top priority, then career, than family and friends (including his mom and sister) then my house. Dating just fell off my plate. Also, I didn’t want to expose my daughters to a potentially toxic man. Now I have a sweet, sane, non-narcissistic sweetheart.
Same here. My mom treated me and my sister so bad.
My support 🔥
I have been married to a narcissist for 27 years. I thought if only I did everything he told me I needed to do to be a better person, that I was going to be a better person. But that day never happened. At least in his eyes. I have now signed a contract with a Divorce lawyer. I don’t know how long this whole process will take, but I have never felt more self-love than I have felt in 27 years. And yes, I am very proud of myself!
22 yrs here!
26 years here and I still feel like I can’t let go. I took a trip by myself to PR something I’ve never done. After I was discarded and I caved and told him where I was halfway thru my trip and he came loved bombed and snot nose crying apologizing. Then he started to tell me that what he wanted from me and when I started telling him what I wanted he doesn’t want to hear it. Mind you he’s been doing whatever he wanted for 4 months ugh wtf did I let him back I feel like I’m at square one again. Just as I was cracking the surface
@@fullgallupfarms 18 yrs for me and it is still affecting our adult children !
Never blame yourself for having been in a narcissistic relationship. You didn’t know and what you thought was genuine turned out to be something illusory. You’ve learned a lot from it and now you are aware of the red flags. Focus on your self healing and do things for yourself because the one relationship that is real is one with yourself.
I agree. You cannot know someone's heart. Yet, I can't imagine giving up on love. I think it is important to know yourself.
Hi JL, I never knew what a narcissist was until I met one. I really loved him. He asked me to marry him, but I was only FUTURE FAKED. That tore me up pretty bad.
@@jannlewandowski5540 Hey Jann. Yeah I was not aware of narcissism until I came across these channels talking about it until I realized that many people in my life I’ve come across are narcissists or have narcissistic traits. And I’ve always wondered why I tend to attract a lot of them.
thank u
@JL15545 I was born and raised Catholic, and taught to be a very good person. I was ALWAYS " GOOD HEARTED" and trusting. I even went to Catholic school all my years of schooling. I was too trusting. People see right thru that. Well, NOT anymore. I almost died in the Hospital, and I never gave up on love. I just watch the guys and gals I associate with. Have a great day. Happy New Year, JL. ❤️🎈🎊👍🌞🌞🖐🤬
After 13 years of abuse, it took me two years to start feeling more like myself again. I'm now 12 years single and loving it!
This brings me hope
interesting ,my spouse accusing me of abuse. it only occurred when i confronted her or challenged her about her statements etc
Same ❤
I was married to a narcissist for 34 years. We ran two successful businesses together. I convinced myself that I led a charmed life. As my husband aged it became so much worse. In the end I was terrified of him. Never physical abuse but the psychological abuse was a nightmare. I finally had the courage to leave and initiate divorce proceedings. I still didn't know about this syndrome, but watching your videos was like you had been following me around for the last 20 years. The divorce was going to be terrible and expensive. Then he unexpectedly died. It seems an awful thing to say what a relief but really??? Since then your videos have been enormously helpful for me in understanding what I have been through. Thank you.
All the best ✨
They are a wrecking ball! I did not shed one tear when the abusive father died and I will not shed a tear when the abusive/narc ex (18 years married) when he dies. Grief over the worst persons in your life isn't necessary to heal and doesn't mean you have something wrong with you! Enjoying my peace and quiet! Glad your healing journey is going well!
You really were saved a horrible time.
How are you coping? I literally am going through the exact situation. Married 33 yrs, divorcing and he dies. I feel like I'm in a vortex of so many emotions. Some days I absolutely remember why I was divorcing him and then there are the trauma bonded days where I can't seem to function. I have no family or friends to lean on who have a clue about the complexity of my entire life and now I can't be mad at him. It's only been 6 months. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated
Mine also died abruptly. Was almost like a blessing in disguise. He would've destroyed our kids if he lived and participated in raising then. He was so mentally sick and everyone owed him, he tormented me everyday, even after I left and started a new relationship. Maybe God must have had enough of him tormenting other people as a byproduct of his suffering.
I've been single for 2.5 years with no dating, texting, talking, etc., with any man. In that time, I've reconnected with my self-worth to the point where I now understand that I don't want to be with a person with whom there's only superficial compatibility but rather someone similar to me and highly compatible on a deeper level. I am all for friendship first to get to know a new person slowly before deciding anything more. My current social circle is relatively small to limit exposure to narcissists who seem to be lurking around every corner.
It's been 4 yrs for me with no dating (except 3 dates in the first year, once each). I was friends with my ex-narc for 6 yrs, then we dated for 2 yrs long distance. He betrayed me for new supply and is now on his 3rd relationship. I'm still filled with anger after all this time for some reason. I don't trust others or myself to make wise choices. I love the safety & peace of being alone, although I do miss companionship sometimes.
Yes their every where
@@Wishpool over time, I've re-learnt to trust myself and my gut instinct. I hope you do to. And I also love the peace and safety of being alone.
@@Wishpool I was friend with my narcissist ex for a couple years, dated a couple years, cheated on me a few times. Thought I could forgive/forget. lol, jokes on me. One thing I have learned: loved, and respect myself. That has helped me got away from my ex easier.
Morning coffee is wonderful without them.
1/ Going No Contact..
2/. Educating Yourself About Narcissistic Abuse.
3/ Learning Self Care
4/ Start Setting Boundaries
5/. Set Time Limits On Ruminating..
6/ Bonus
Allowing Yourself To Grieve
I started setting boundaries on the people I allow into my life. After the Narc died there were still a few obnoxious friends of his that kept contacting and harassing me. I used to kindly respond to their emails and texts but not anymore. I blocked them. Over the past few years of listening to Dr. Ramani and others, I have also started to pay attention to what triggers me and why.
Pardon me for the joke but at least yours died! 😂😂😂😂
My ex- narcissistic wife still believes she controls me, that it was all my fault and that she never cheated 😂😂😂
@@SuperPrDude They will never 'fess up to cheating. LOL
I learned a lot from HG Tudor here on TH-cam. He is a highly aware Narc/Psychopath.
He gives raw facts from the narc perspective. So you thoroughly understand how they think, why they do what they do.
2 weeks of HG in my ears and even the grief is gone. I see it for what it was and accepted the clown for what he is.
I’m at 2-4 now.
Do not rebound!! The relationship with yourself is the most important thing right now. Today is the day for you. Dec 31 2020 is the day i walked away. Still single now . I take myself on dates, i fix myself nice meals. I take care of my body. I nurture my mind, soul and body. This is so important. A new relationship after a narcissist is a distraction. Now is the time to heal and grow. No distraction, no excuses. Love yourself.
Grieving the loss of innocence to intentional evil.
I agree 100%!! My adult narc son has happily destroyed my self confidence so many times. It was so tough! I'm so happy to be free from his abuse now by leaving or hanging up the moment he starts raising his voice, disrespecting or being rude to me.
@@tammyq2209 you may need to go no contact. It would be rough but it sounds like the boundaries are not totally effective……..
Allow yourself to be perfected by the imperfections of the things around you. You are the blade, the world and its beings, are the sharpening stone.
Do it right, and you will become very sharp indeed.
Everything hides a lesson, and no matter how bad you might fail at something, if you can learn from it, then you have become stronger, and your efforts were never in vain at all.
I don't think I've ever done anything especially well on the first try, but if I wanted to do something badly enough, I have Never failed to learn how.
🕊️♥️🍀🧠🎶💪🏼
Married in 1973 divorced 2021 I have struggled for years; he went to his "own" room and "never" came out for over 20 years. I am now 71 and have struggled with who "I" am for most of my life. It is so much work to try and recover and figure "out who I am" but I am working on it day by day.
Some days are much longer than others… stay strong is soooo easy to tell others… but once u’ve been inside pure toxicity… even with good values… scars need time to heal. 🫶
Sending you lots of hugs
And you will .it is a woryhwhile the best journey you can make ...no doubt passing on what you are learning to others...
❤
Dr. Ramani it's been 2 years and that still isn't enough time. I feel great being with me, the introvert. Taking better care of me feels great!
@veronica5888 Whew, me too. It's been 5 years for me & I still would rather be alone.
lol 22 years for me
Several years for me and I'm happy!
I agree I need at least a year to grieve and heal and regain my former self which I have been doing for past 5 months. Thank you for your videos. They have helped me alot❤️
I feel the same way. At first I thought I wouldn’t make it a year, and now after 2 years idk if I ever want to date again because I’m peaceful lol
I didn’t even realize I was in a 25 year mentally abusive relationship with a narcissist until she left me for a boy have my age
The horror stories my kids have told me about their childhood
Your videos are really helping me get through tough times
Been no contact for two months now and it seems to be working great
No more making excuses for her
No more bailing her out of trouble
I had horrible stomach pains most of my life. All of a sudden they’re gone.
I’ve never been closer with my kids
Thank you
00:21 - 12 month detox
10:19 - Allow yourself time to grieve
19:26 - Find solace in solitude
28:20 - Show yourself forgiveness
37:40 - Find meaning and purpose
Thank you for the timestamps ✍
Forgiving yourself is so tough…wasted time, not seeing it, leading to ruminating no matter how you occupy your time constructively…so evil.
Why shouldn't it be taught in schools??? Toxic behaviour isn't necessarily picking on any one person,its giving people the tools in helping children grow up with healthy boundaries against the toxic behaviour in itself as a tool.
Thank you for the timed list!
Thanks. You saved me a 45 minutes.:-)
I kept telling myself I was ready for a relationship, 3 months after a breakup (7 year relationship). I have just realized my new partner is a narcissist, and I am broken again. 12 month detox is CRUCIAL, and if the person is your soul mate, they will wait. Make friendships and find yourself again ❤
This is good advice, thank you 🙏🏻
💚💕 God Bless U 🙏🏽✝️
keep doing you. I'm proud of you for recognizing it early on.
@@Bonzmae thank you so much
For each person, the timing is different, and I've found that the longer the relationship was, the more time it takes to detox and get re-centered. For every month a relationship goes on, typically, I wind up losing a year. The last relationship went on for 6 1/2 years, and I'm completely content that I ended it over a decade ago. I really don't ever want another relationship, not because I think they can't be good things, but because you can't wear a blindfold, spin around a few times, then throw a rock without hitting a narcissist. They're just bleed'n everywhere, and I'm done.
I so needed to hear this today thank you..I'm a week out of a narcissist 7 year relationship god its so hard
I'm here to testify this is the absolute best advice! One of the most important things taken from us is our JOY. Everything became a chore. Hobbies we genuinely enjoyed were obliterated, including the desire to do them. Natural talents beaten down and ignored.
More than anything, I wanted to feel my JOY again.
It took a lot of time alone, a lot of tears, a lot of anger to release, so much toxicity to purge. I didn't want to strain a new relationship with that baggage, and have never been interested in temporary, rebound, or vindictive relationships. The alone time also forced me to see the family roots of narcissism and scapegoating, and to disconnect from them also.
I have my JOY back! My hobbies! My talents! Boundaries!
So grateful I took that TIME. ❤🙏
Beautiful!
I've been through a terrible narcissistic relationship and I've taken things that people have said personal and it really wasn't about me. I catch myself still having problems with some men because I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to heal from him.
@shaylynn2577
You will when you get tired enough of wasting emotion on something that didn't deserve you to begin with. He isn't crying over you. You will, when you finally refuse to be a victim, care for YOURSELF first. You have all the power you need, if you'll just use it.
I say this with love and compassion: you CAN DO IT. You just have to want to. 🙏❤🙏
“A lot of the narcissistic relationship lived in your head”. This line really struck me. I think this is true if myself trying to handle the loss of my children. The dreams I had about how our relationships would unfold and evolve as they grew up and had their own kids is not at all reality. It is very difficult to come to terms with what you hoped for and what is real when it involves your children and grandchildren. Horrendous amount of grief.
I understand this too. It’s immense. Sorry.
I am sorry that you understand as it means you are going through it too. I am sorry for you as well😓. Sending hugs❤️
I’m with you 🥲
I am so sorry! This is the worst pain. Sending you hugs and understanding💔😓
Absolutely devastating. The narc can rot, it is what was done to the Children and Grandchildren that there are no words for the sorrow of it all. I have empathy for all of you suffering that as well! ❤
When I kicked my ex-husband out, his best friend came to talk to me to see if there was any chance of taking him back as I had twice before. When he realized that this was the end for me, he actually commented that I looked like I was glowing, like when I was pregnant. He said that this was the best I have looked in years! What's interesting is that I heard the same thing from several friends and their husbands! Apparently, I had grown to have a kind of sourpuss or sad face living with my narc. It's nice to see and hear that there is a difference when one is free from narcissistic abuse .
I’m experiencing the exact reaction too! My friends that I have confided to that I am going through a divorce have commented that I sound better already, and look relieved and more alive. I actually feel so relieved and excited about my future, even though my lifestyle of living in a nice home on the lake, not working, having health insurance is going away! I am moving into a tiny apartment, going to look for employment soon, but I am so thrilled that I don’t have to deal with my so called “husband” any longer! I will be so happy to wake up in the morning and be myself! I have spent YEARS waking up, dreading the day, dreading having to be in the same room with him. My chest feels like it’s bursting in anticipation for the day I get to say, “GOODBYE!”
Oh Sandra, I'm so excited for you. Enjoy for freedom!🎉
Same with my ex wife ,sent her back to her narc mom and dad after twenty seven years ,freedom is great.
I apparently looked younger after 25 years.
❤❤❤
I’m almost 4 years dealing with the end my 23 year marriage. I can’t even think of dating. I couldn’t imagine dealing with another heart break in this lifetime. I don’t think you ever fully heal.
I divorced 7 years ago also having had a 23 year marriage to a narc (something about the 23 year mark in these marriages...) Anyway, I am still dealing with the fallout because my abusive narc mother died 2 years ago and my narc golden child sister tried to steal my inheritance so sometimes I feel I will never have peace. I will never date again or be in any romantic relationship. Presently, the narcs in my life are either dead or giving me the silent treatment so if I could just get past the ruminating I can move on...
@@l.5832 I have about almost the same too....and I want to feel bigger than them which is very hard and the ruminating as well..............so lets kick off next week and be strong and remember we are good enough and their loss. and remember we gave our all only to be beat down. They are actually the ones that will not be ok. They may act it but they will be worse angry they didn't win. hugs we got this.
23years and 3 years separated for me.
The truth! Also
Learned a lot.
22 yrs. & Separated the last 2 ..
And 3: children together
Yes you can, or you will. Maybe it's a naive thought. I was only there 4 years (and that was 6 years ago). I'm in great therapy, and I'm starting to feel peace and love towards me and others again. I almost ended up like her.
I would even tell you that this has made me see that I was looking for these types of relationships by already having low self-esteem and a poor connection with myself since childhood, that person simply twisted (unconsciously I think) those defects until my weak self ended. completely destroyed, losing all hope, however, it can sprout again, fertilizing, giving it warmth. Give yourself lots of compassion, love, forgiveness and patience. Lots of encouragement and strength, you can do it.
I struggled with not only forgiving myself, but trusting myself to choose safe people. Hell, I didnt trust myself to keep her at arms length if she popped back up and was constantly scared she would. But if you're in that spot I gotta say it gets better and you're in the right place. Keep talking to people in our survivor community and educating yourself! Choose to be narc-proof and make it your mission. Also this is one of the best comments sections on the Internet - much love to y'all! ❤️❤️❤️
❤❤❤
You're doing it and you can do it, man. Proud of you! We can all overcome this bad fate.
that's where I'm at. I'm so scared that I'm going to get a text on my phone just when I'm getting healing and to the point of not crying and wondering what the hell happened, so many lies so much bullshit, I hope I can trust myself if he texts me again to stay away
Why should you forgive yourself?? You did nothing but try and love, respect… all you did was want the same back🤷🏻♀️
Thankyou Dr Ramani. I was only 3 months into a disgusting Narcissistic relationship. I stood up to the Narcissist and I got out fast. The last thing the Narcissist did was steal my house keys, no problem I got onto it fast and changed the locks. Problem solving is one of my super powers lol. I healed by getting straight back into my social circle, found some friendships in animals ,cats and horses. It's only been 2 plus months and I'm healed. I'm back to my old self. I'm free spirited so I practice that as much as life let's me. I journal and go to a support group. Picked up new hobbies and I'm happy
It all went down in 2009. I was married for five years. I can’t believe I survived the whole thing. I’m still unpacking narcissistic relationships and trauma bonding symptoms. But damn! It feels good to be climbing up and out!
I totaly agree..I am 2 years out and still have not dated! And I am more happy and fulfilled than I ever was in that toxic narcissistic relationship! 😊
30+ yrs and I'm on year 4 of being "single" and honestly I think I need more time still. It still amazes me at how many things you've talked about that have hit the nail on the head in my situation. I'd like to thank you @Dr. Ramani. I'm gonna take all the time I need ( and still watch more of your videos) to heal and then make new connections. Sometimes I think I should write a book but then I click on one of your videos and you're saying exactly what I would be writing. I still shake my head in disbelief that others have been through similar things. I only hope to one day help others to be a survivor. Dr. Ramani you ROCK!!!! I am so beyond grateful for you and to you. 💯💜2💜
When the dust settled, I was in a beautiful wilderness to give birth to myself, but the narcissist was still in the recliner in my brain. It took time to do spring cleaning but it was so worth it. Thank you Dr Ramani.
31 almost 32 for me? I'm trying to get out safely
Be careful! Praying for you.
I’m out after 30 years
@@LValley-kz3ycWell put!! Love the analogy!!
I have no need to forgive myself. I was not the aggressor. I was not the manipulator. I was not the abuser. I was mistreated. I was abused. I had love withheld.
My "ex" has yet to move out of the house, but our divorce was finalized months ago. He groveled and involved his family. It delayed his leaving. But, 2024 is the year of freedom for us. I have given him until the end of January to leave. If he doesn't leave peacefully, I will have him removed with the police department. He better go nicely. But, I'm done. I'm no longer going to overlook the abuse. I don't want this for myself or my kids. I want happiness to return. I want socialization to return. I want myself to return. I am done changing who I am to make a miserable man happy. Because it just isn't working for any of us.
Good luck. A narc not moving out of the house is a classic narc move. I continued to put up with it all for years because I didn't have the financial means to fight the situation. However, a girlfriend had a similar situation and did fight it. It took her lawyers, a lot of money and about two years, but she finally got him out of the house.
Wonderful! Wishing you a Happy 2024 and a wonderful happy future!
This story makes me afraid for you. I hope you can get him out of the house without too much trouble.
Be careful, they get vicious when you end it.
I am so sorry to tell you this, but if he’s legally lived in that house and he has proof of that, the police can do nothing to evict him. It is a civil not criminal matter and you will need a lawyer, court orders, and clear documentation of the processes and even then, it may be very difficult to physically remove him, which is what they’re counting on. You’re still being played by the narcissist, so get realistic and play smart right back!
Dr. Ramini is right! I tried having a new relationship just 7 months after the dramatic, painful discard and divorce. I was excited for about a week, then my body reacted in strange ways. I got rashes on my face and body, I felt sick a lot and had vertigo, I lost so much weight. I had to end the relationship and really start working on myself. Learning about Narcissistic abuse was very hard to grasp. I had to accept that my husband of 15 years is a Covert Narcissist who never loved me.
It's been 3 years now and I have gone through painful anniversary dates, brain fog and health problems. I finally do feel better! 3 years. Now I have a relationship with a nice man. I'm only sad at times and get over it quickly.
I believe the grief is compounded by "failure". Having someone constantly selling you on the fantasy of what this relationship may eventually become, it became some futuristic alternative reality. I find myself grieving failing to "hang in there" to eventually achieve something that was never going to happen. Everyone has goals they work toward and the more you invest, the more crushing it can be when it "fails".
This is me. Perpetual. Can't seem to make these steps work, anymore. Done them twice or more before. Comments help, reflecting the truth. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing this perspective. You’re right. I get it. I did that for years. I actually have felt guilty for not hanging in longer for the sake of our kids. But I know I had to because the kids and I both suffered.
Omg I’m currently healing after 20 yr relationship like this. I had to learn what my favorite food was, I finally didn’t have to wear a hoodie in the house in summer. We separated Oct 2022 and he finally moved out of our house May 5 2023. I will never forget how good and peaceful I slept the 1st night. I literally woke up and cried the next morning. For the first time in yrs my first thought was not the worry of doing something wrong and no more egg shells to walk on. No fear of not doing a house choir done before he got home from work. It was so normal I didn’t even know how bad it was until I was out of it. Even our kids celebrated that first day. We are healing and looking forward to a better us.
That hoodie thing indoors in the summer... He's psychotic and needs a psychiatrist as well as a psychotherapist. No one has any right to require another person to do something that insane. Obviously, the other stuff he put you all through was bad too, but I would hazard the guess that the hoodie thing was actually the most bizarre (of the things you mentioned above). If he were a prison inmate, honestly, I think the guards would start a gambling pool, to try to determine just how crazy he could get after 1 year in prison.
If you don't give yourself the time to heal, you dive head first into another Narc relationship, I have done just that. This last time, I gave up meeting anyone for anything. 3 yrs. Single and free. Working on me. It's worth it.
Me too! Happy New Year!
Thing is, you have to realize what the H just happened first. You can't heal when you don't have the information. Best thing everyone here can do is spread the knowledge around, especially to younger generations. This sh^t-hole cycle has to end. Let the buck stop with *us.*
There is no failing at healing. We will be winners, it’s our time to love ourselves. ❤❤❤
12 months is not even enough time if they really did you in. I’ve been single for 5 years. Love finally rediscovering who I am.
I literally did 10 years. Now I found someone special
@@bradleyjackson7168 that’s awesome!
I agree. 12 months is not long enough, especially if you are not really working on your own issues or distracting yourself in some other way. The longer you were in the relationship, the longer you need to delve into yourself, clear your space, gain understanding and HEAL.
Here's to your 5 and may it be another 5 or more years! I've been single for over 10 now, and am completely happy this way!
15, and I only got truly lonely recently, it was that bad.
After 25 years I need 25 years break. I am realizing now how much I have lost myself. All the best to all of you🌞🌺🌻
Dr. Ramani, this is EXACTLY what I needed to soothe 58 years of abuse from demonic covert narc mother and extremely abusive malignant, possessed, narc sister. All I want to do today is relax with my cat and feel safe and warm.
This describes me, except in the reverse: it is my mother who is the malignant, possessed narcissist, and my sister who is the covert narcisisst. I have had to cut them both out of my life. I went permanently no cotact with my mother almost 4 years ago. I went no contact with my sister 6 years ago, but last year let her back in by email and text (she lives out of the country). After 6 months of me being the one keeping the communication going, and her playing her usual mind games, I have decided to let her go again.
It's sad not to have a family, but there is peace in not having to deal with constantly being gaslighted and abused.
I absolutely agree in staying out of relationships for a year or 2 or 3 to heal from the confusion and predation by malignant narcissism
My narcissist spouse died almost 2 yrs ago. I have no interest in a romantic relationship at this point in life. 45 yrs of emotional abuse and being undermined by his malignant narcissist mother did great damage. There were enough good times to kep me hsnging on and the fact thst I did love the man. I just didn't like him!.in the aftermath of the whole situation I now am Free. Moved away from hus Narcissist Family Cult and started a New Life. Very satisfied at this point and content. Happy with my freedom. Have been through therapy and have reconciled the past. I am fine with celebicy and GG ave moved on. Two adult sons from this disfunctional marriage was my only benefit. Great guys and well rounded. Grateful for the small victories in life and moving forward now. Thanks Dr. R.
Good for you!! My ex fiancé of almost four years died too and he was a covert narcissist so I did a lot of the same things you did, I moved away from his abusive family and changed my number and I am finally enjoying my hobbies again and even though the anniversary of his death is coming up soon it will be just like when our anniversary came up, I will have a great day!! I had completely forgotten about our anniversary so I am so happy to be here with my wonderful son and his wife and now I’m going to focus on becoming a grandma hopefully soon!! I don’t ever want to look back on that relationship ever again!! So far I’ve been healing well!! Glad you have your sons!! That was your soul purpose in that relationship and in life!! I’m just sorry it had to take so long before he was out of your life!! Sending you positive thoughts and energy!!!🩷
Wow 😳😲 45 years.. That's a wild ride
Omg you hit my soul. I said that EXACT thing to my relative “It’s bad enough to grieve someone who’s dead but do you know how bad it is to know they’re still alive?” Nail on the head ❤
Thank you once again Dr Ramani. I got divorced after a 35 year marriage. Kept doing self development work, and finally broke through my own resistance. I wrote the novel I dreamt of writing. Two days after I announced I'd finished the rough draft, happy and full of enthusiasm, he initiated an affair. Said my behavior was terrible. Of course I wished I got out sooner before he took my money and my home - but I'm the winner because I'm out. I haven't felt lonely since the day we went to court and finalized the decision - 3 yers ago. And I've finished Ten novels now. Working on number eleven. Still learning how to support myself - since marketing my creative work was verboten during my marriage. But it isn't anymore.
35 yrs for me too. ❤
@barbaraferrier9956 thank you for your testimony. I have wanted to write a book for some time. When I married my narc on 3-3-06, he raved about how much he loved reading the way I describe stories. Today 3-3-24, after having many of my writings "accidentally erased, during backing up the computer". I had given up the dream of getting the stories out of my head. So long ago now, that I had forgotten that I ever had the dream. You reminded me of the love I have for writing. I don't know how I can sleep tonight. As I made up my mind over the holidays to file for my divorce tomorrow. I can hardly wait to get to the courthouse in the morning. I have been oddly happy today. Even when he informed me that there would be no going out for dinner. Even though he had been mentioning it every day last week. Instead we were going to have bologna and cheese sandwiches. Because he's just too broke to spend money on a frivolous dinner. I loved that he made it so easy for me to finally put myself first. I couldn't stop smiling. Even after he'd lash out at me for doing so. When he said that he wanted a divorce. I told him 'that's great. Because, that's exactly what you are getting!", while unable to control the excitement I was feeling. Of course, he went into our bedroom and told me to get my things out of there. I was already almost done. I had been doing that while he was at the store planning his big reveal for dinner. I have gone about my day. Singing and getting my 6 yr old granddaughter ready for the school week. Making sure my friend was still planning on going to the court in the morning. I had to laugh when he figured out that I am actually serious. He tapped on the door to my new room and asked if we were going to dinner. The volume of my response startled me, 'I yelled, "Nope! You bought bologna and cheese for dinner today. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY!" About an hour later he was in his room coughing and coughing. Guess who didn't go running in to offer medicine and water? He actually commented to that attention seeking. As he carried on "choking to his death" for nearly 90 minutes. I think that he's finally given up acting like a child for the night. By the time he wakes up, the papers will already be filed. And I can hardly wait. Thank you again, for reminding me of my passion. I'm going to write about everything!
I just past 5 years single after 15 years with a narcissist. I am enjoying my solitude and definitely feel more alone and alienated when around other people. Most do not have a clue what you have been through and make cliche statements, it’s not their fault but just the reality of reality.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, you’re the best psychologist that depicts how those narky scoundrels are. The victims need help to become healthy, and whole again, and, not repeat the same mistake again 😅
I hung in for fifteen years for the kids.
I regret that now.
I did not deserve the abuse I took, and did not realize the damage to my physical health and psyche
I survived- but just.
Time is our most valuable currency. Don’t waste it.
Agree. Grew up in an abusive narc home, where my Mom "stayed for the kids." All that did was expose us to more and more narcissistic abuse. I understand that parents often don't understand that they aren't the only ones being abused, especially in situations where they never witness the other parents physically harming the children, but the psychological damage is very, very real, and it does everything from mentally disabling the kids to flat out ruining their lives, well into their adult years.
I'm sorry that that's a heavy-handed truth, but it is what it is. I appreciate that you own up to the mistake. I encourage you to reach out to your kids, make no excuses, apologize to them for this mistake, and ask what you can do to help them pick up the pieces of their broken lives or their mental health or whatever it is that was damaged in their cases. Even if they're adults now, you have a responsibility to fix what your decision to stay broke, even if you didn't (when you were a young parent) understand the mistake you were making. Tons of parents make that mistake and don't realize the kind of harm they're doing to their kids while making it. I also encourage you to keep spreading the word that giving "it's for the kids" as a reason to stay is the worst reason a parent can give. In some cases, it's a cop-out. In others, it's literally blaming the children for the decision to stay. Either way, or if it's for entirely some other motivation, it's the wrong decision, every time.
1:12 I totally agree before I listening to the rest of the video. I've been married for 13 years and I'm still in the midst of a divorce. I'm really tired of defining myself through the lens of narcissistic abuse. I havent had a chance to grow for myself and im looking forward to the challenge.
James 1:12
New International Version
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
If you are a caring person (aka empathetic) - you will consider preparing yourself first... to bring value into every relationship.
Therefore healing yourself & becoming a healthy person, companion and contributor to each & every relationship is vitally important. After years of brainwashing and gaslighting, take time & care...to find the genuine you...again.
Entering a new relationship is complex.
If you are not healed from narcissistic abuse...you will unavoidably (though unintentionally) inadvertently contaminate new relationships with the "old baggage".
Make sure to give yourself a chance to heal.
Be sure to bring your very best (and no longer contaminated) self into every new relationship.
That is...if you sincerely want it to be genuine and for real relationships to last.
I took one year from last Christmas to this Christmas to recover from the narcissistic relationship with my daughter. It’s the most healing, best journey I have ever taken.
I've just done one year no contact from a Narcissistic situationship. I feel in a better place now through successfully passing through all the key calendar points. This really makes sense.
How are you doing it? My daughter shreds my heart at every opportunity.
I've been almost 3 years no relationship an its been wonderful I also had a whole life of these toxic behaviors. My parents anyway finally 46 an the trauma bond is broke an broke my family curse with these abuses .. stay strong God loves us all. We got this
Thank you @STRONGfamVALUEZ I like reading survivors encouraging survivors. I come from a family of origin like this also.
I grieved mostly over losing or giving away all my young years and at 76 I develop peace and tranquility! This holiday was beautiful with lovely family! We had such a good loving time! No one to ruin it! ❤❤
It's never too late 🧡
I understand totally. But to say "too late" I ask, for what? Do we really and truly need to be part of a couple? Is there not a way to show love, generosity, compassion and kindness to all sentient beings with the unique gift of who we are by ourselves? We are in the same age range so I refer you to Leo Buscaglia who practiced the art of love and kindness to all with great joy and freedom. Truthfully, at 72 and being alone for 38 years I don't think about ever marrying again. It's just not part of the thought process or planning. Helping and protecting others who are voiceless like all animals and my little dogs fills the need to give of oneself without expectation. It fills us with gratitude for this beautiful earth.
I grieved that I had wasted the best, healthiest years of my life on him.
@@rebeccadavis1410
I was 49 to 62. The kids were out of the house. 2nd marriage. I thought we would grow old together.
I don’t think I can ever do a relationship again. I don’t trust my judgement or them to be real.
Yes. It’s hard to decode, “deprogram” and even realize the subtle things that happened that research is still trying to figure out.
The entire year must be filled with hard, beautiful work, and if the work doesn’t happen, healing/suffering could go on for the _rest_ of your life, with you feeling stuck in damage. The powerful year-long work is crucial but signifies your freedom now.
I have been divorced since 1999 - I only had 3 men ask me out … one I knew was married. Another I thought was so I asked him why he didn’t ask his wife to go out-he said all she does is complain. The third was just a creep. I did have a fourth hit on me, but he was from Germany-his wife was back in Germany. SMH. I think I finally got my Do Not Disturb sign turned on. I’m happy being alone (I’m an introvert anyway). Finally happy and not willing to trust another partner.
Thank you Dr. Ramani
This is my second marriage with a covert narcissist.
And each time, listening to your videos made me leave.
I am obviously disappointed in myself that I didn’t see it the second time.
So when you said to ‘forgive yourself’ it was exactly what I needed to hear.
You do a great job.
So true Dr Ramani..I have been out of the narc relationhip less than two months and I feel lost, I feel Ive lost myself, no longer knowing who I am, I feel like a ship cast loose, with no compss and no anchor and I didnt go to a family /christmas get togther as I couldnt face happy clappy people. I feel extremely sad, I am grief stricken for all I have lost and there has been a LOT. It is the most horrible space to be in I am trying to process all the different feelings as I dont even know what I want any more either, and that is scary....!
(1) Volunteer for a day or several weeks.
(2) Take a class to learn something.
(3) Pick up a new or old hobby.
(4) Watch the sun rise for a monrh.
(5) Walk 3 times a week.
(6) Talk with a counselor.
Bless you, and sending you a warm hug. Your feelings are completely normal. I hope you have support, or can find support to help you vent, talk, let off steam, talk things through and process your grief. As Dr. Ramani says, counselling and journalling are super-helpful; they certainly have for me. I'm at 8 months out. I hope you feel better soon. ❤️
It takes time to heal.
I am right there with you, I've only been out of my relationship a couple of months, and I'm terrified, everyday, he'll text me, and I'll fa right back into it. He was like my twin thought he was my soulmate, and the lies and I rethink everything, I went through the manipulation, please give me advice to stay strong and stay away!!
@@kerirogers6923I'm right there with you. It's been almost a mth since we separated. He texts me everyday like everything is fine. And he wants my support I gave him in our relationship. I decided to go no contact today. .I've tried several times before. But I'm so tired now. I'm tired of being alone in the relationship. I'm tired of being sad. I miss him. So much. It's like he doesn't feel the same. He's not grieving. He's moving through life without me. And it's torture. I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm sorry so many people are.
I was in a narc relationship for almost 15 years. He is the father of my children and I still have to deal with him. I have been single since leaving that relationship (which I had to move into my families home so he would leave me be) but I cannot imagine being in another relationship even tho I have met some amazing men. I feel way too broken. I don’t know how to get myself back. I’m still a shell of a person and idk who I am anymore. It’s the worst doom like feeling I’ve ever felt. I’m so glad to have found this channel bc I can resonate with it so much and hope to be able to start to heal
I totally agree. After escaping from a narcissistic marriage 26 years ago. The narcissistic partner will still push your buttons during the year and up to three years afterwards. I agree, and promise yourself that you will get over this relationship and you will reward yourself with a healthy relationship in the future. Happy New Year to everyone in the Community group 🍷🥂🍻. Remember you need someone to help you and you need to start by letting that helpful person be yourself 🤔🤫. You are a survivor and you will break free🎉🎉
My biggest grievance is falling in love with a pretender
Right?! My best advice is to realize that most "available" adults are narcissists or have other serious psychotic disorders that they work very hard to mask.
A bigger tragedy would be if the Narc told you that he/she is a pretender, and you didn't believe what the person flatly stated out loud to your face.
@@donnawoodford8145 yes, after separating he told me he was a pretender when I was learning about all of this.
Agree ...i call it the great pretender ...dont blame yrself please...they are good actors and
..great at con....vincing...
This could not have come at a more perfect time.
I had watched your videos for over a year now and have recently broke off an emotionally abusive relationship of ten years. As someone with BPD, this has been a devastating experience, and I've been terrified just thinking of how much damage they've caused me over the years. I've grown stressed to the point of growing physically ill, to the point of getting an ulcer, to the point of hospitalization from my body shutting down.
Breaking it off was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I'm now able to focus on myself and have been looking for ways to cope after this.
I still with struggle and self doubt but I take comfort in knowing that the constant cloud of self hatred and doubt that surrounded me for the past decade is starting to clear up. I know healing isn't linear and it'll be a rough road ahead but I'm grateful that I was able to recognize what was happening and put a stop to it.
I've been single for over 3 years. Together 24 yrs. I'm so scared to get into another relationship. I don't trust myself anymore. I'm a narc magnet.
So true about the hypersensitivity to the comments of others now! I'm on edge and thus more peaceful alone. I'm even reevaluating so-called friendships. Need to build skills for handling all these people and their comments. Looking forward to healthy individualization!!
Me too! I've been single almost 10 years. It doesn't bother me a bit.
Yes this is a g8 thing to hve learnt ...clever you ..
I separated from a narcissist woman 4 years ago. We finally got a dissolution a few months ago and I’m still working on getting fully extricated from the relationship. I recently stumbled onto your videos on TH-cam and I can’t tell you how much they have helped me. I hadn’t been able to talk about the experience with other people because I couldn’t express how crazy it was. Hearing a stranger describe what I went through so accurately down to the tiniest detail was beyond revelatory. Thanks to you I know that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy. Thank you!!!
Forgiving ourselves for being deceived! For some of us, forgive ourselves many times, if/when we keep repeating the same insanity, getting into another relationship w/another love-bombing a**hole🐍
Thank you! It’s been 8 years alone and it’s definitely not enough! I love alone and learning and understanding what it all was I lived my entire life! The grief is so real! I am not sure I ever developed ME! I am still learning! I have only one toxic person left in my life and that’s about to be finished too! Cut off their supply of adulation and they find new avenues to get it! So my second adult son has started finding new supply! When I realized how much he was acting like his Dad and my second husband I said to myself- no way!! I can choose! I chose peace! ❤❤
The same thing happened to me. That's when I knew that I needed to work on enforcing my boundaries.
Listen.
You are alive.
And that's the proof you are in fact very strong. I trully have full confidence in your future.
I feel like narcist gives everything away from you, including your personality. You have no idea what you feel, what you want, what’s good and what’s bad.
That's exactly right!
Very true! They give every part of you away and then start giving away your belongings.
To cut into a fresh cake without having to wait for him😊 was a weird moment
I really appreciate the reminder that simply *living* in alignment with our values is living a meaningful life --- I laughed at your list (min 47) because SO many people told me to write a book or asked if I'll join a podcast or when I'll go back to college or lead a small group of survivors... to make "purpose from my pain". Hearing you took off some of those burdens that still weigh of me 👏
How about 20 years single and not dating after a series of narcissistic relationships and I am STILL surrounded by narcissistic family and so called "friends." Whoever said that narcissists are a small percentage of the population has in, my opinion, diminished the actual reality. They are EVERYWHERE. And you can never really heal, because there is always one around the corner sizing you up for an attack. I am in my early 70s now. Single. And this has been my life long experience. The attacks have been consistent and ongoing throughout my life. It has been a neverending struggle to survive. Most people are just looking for a vulnerability and an opportunistic chance to get you when you are down. Happy New Year.
35:16 forgive yourself 35:25 release yourself💪🙏❣️
Dr. Ramani as always you are right. I’m 8 months in of no contact. We went out off and on, off and on, off and on…you get the picture for three and a half years. Over these last couple months I’m just now starting to feel like myself and truly starting to heal. The grief sucks, it’s so hard at the beginning and you do want to jump into and find a loving relationship. You want to find somebody else to help feel the wounds or there is now so much time because you’re not solely focused on a single person and there is peace and quiet that things feel wrong and you miss the chaos you miss having some meaning (even if the relationship or meaning is toxic and killing you). But in that peace there is hope and strength and knowledge! There is rediscovering yourself, your friends, your family! And out of that hopefully the next relationship will be healthy and allow you to be able to find and know who the one is and find a healthy person!
@yehudabarnett7575 Agreed. I’m two years out of my ten years of hell. I have also been on and off for about two years. Now I am no contact.
Seeing you were also on off makes me feel less shame for my actions. Your message makes me realize I’m okay, I made mistakes and that’s okay!
OMG you brought back a memory. Towards the end of the relationship with the X, I flat out asked him to engage with me in a conversation about something philosophical I was exploring. I just wanted him to show a LITTLE interest, for goodness' sake. He replied, voice dripping with sarcasm, "Oh I get it, you want to figure everything out. That used to be important to me, but I have moved past that." It's funny now, but really bizarre and upsetting at the time.
Isn’t it amazing how they can take one little spark of happiness and drench it with a ice storm of malice? One tiny bit of good that they themselves did not bestow is an enormous threat to the narcissist.
Yeah, this sounds so familiar. My narc would constantly lament the fact that I never wanted to talk about anything remotely interesting with her. Everything I brought up was so boring/childish/beneath her. Hilarious coming from the 39 y/o who only watched barbie cartoons on repeat 😂 wtaf
Those little digs and comments of contempt, repeated over and over, break the spirit to despair. Had a narc spouse, now removing myself from narc parents. Grieving my experience, but honored to be a safe place for my daughters…breaking the intergenerational curse
Dr. Ramani, you are so right about this. Your compassion brings tears to my eges. My narcissistic relationship ended over 30 years ago and I am still learning to forgive myself for what I didn't know.
This is my 3rd year divorced,after 20 year's marriage,you wont believe,im only starting to love and know myself.
I totally agree with this and 12 months. I'm scared to death of even thinking about something new. I hate that I feel that way and know I just need time to heal.
I could not agree with you more, Dr. Ramani! I've been single for 2 years, and I love it!
27:44 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
YES REFINDING YOURSELF🎉🎉🎉 28:08
YOU NO LONGER NEED TO BE AN AUDIENCE TO OTHER PEOPLE'S B.S.💪❣️🙏
You are great company❤❤❤
I am absolutely healing and working to forgive myself. I’m surrounding myself with healthy people, mostly women friends and have been very happily single for 14 months!! No intention to even try dating for a long while. I’m happy on my own…all my love and energy goes to me and my beautiful, vibrant 8 year old daughter!! Her father is a vulnerable narcissist…I will always have love for him and will keep him at a distance. My daughter loves him, yet starts to see/ feel the signs already. We have many discussions about boundaries, healthy emotional regulation, empathy and her self worth. I encourage her relationship with him, I give her permission to love him and I teach her how to set boundaries and know HER self worth. She deserves kindness and respect….when someone does not show her these basic healthy relationship skills, it’s time to walk away or create distance. I try to lead by example, example, example!!!
I’m re-connecting with the essence of myself, loving myself again and enjoying the freedom from abuse!!
My first dream was for the 3 of us to be a happy, healthy family….that dream slowly died and my second dream I am currently living!!! 💗 😊
Yes, you are correct!!!
You forget who you are, your value and are in a vulnerable state after a narcissistic relationship.
When you take all that time, you remember your strengths, regain your self, self trust and healthy strategies going forward. The longer you go it alone, the stronger and smarter you become!
I'm in month 8, and I'm in no hurry. I'm just window shopping. Lol. I know what my deal breakers are now, and i won't ever defer my self- worth to anyone else again.
I learned a lot from HG Tudor here on TH-cam. He is a highly aware Narc/Psychopath.
He gives raw facts from the narc perspective. So you thoroughly understand how they think, why they do what they do.
2 weeks of HG in my ears and even the grief is gone. I see it for what it was and accepted the clown for what he is.
Dr Ramani oh my goodness! This is 24 carot gold!! Don't know how you do it, but you get the advise to me in the way I need.
Your videos shone a light on many of my relationships. Yep childhood was tough, then I was drawn to narcissistic people later.
I've listened to you for years. Thank you for your continued hard work on this subject. I am truly grateful ❤🇬🇧
Isn't it remarkable how, once recognized, how easy it is to pinpoint and even predict what they do? Thank God for you Dr. Ramani. You've really made me feel like there's SOMEONE in my corner.
I have been separated for over a year and my divorce is still in process. I just realized that my soon to be ex is a narcissist maybe two months ago. The grief is enormous. I can feel how thirsty I am to affection. The first a few months of separation, I was in survival mold, and now I finally start to see it.
I made a mistake by falling into a bad relationship couse I was thirsty too. Please take care of yourself
Married 18 years to a very toxic/narc...started healing journey and divorce 3 yrs ago. I've found that being alone has been tremendously healing. Going no contact is a must and reading Dr. Ramani's book better than a therapist...
happy holidays, Dr. Ramani and bravo to the end segment of your video. Forgive
Yourself because you just didn’t know is the ticket , and it’s something I realized through listening to your videos and through spirituality.
Forgiving yourself first means radical acceptance that you were not equipped to deal with the narc because we grew up compromised.
We end up, realizing we were both compromised me, and the narc , I clicked in that I am not my thoughts, and I am not born to be dominated by anyone. It’s up to the narc to have a dark Knight of the soul, or an ego death to come to the same realization.
Dr Ramani this video hit home for me in sooo many places!! I needed to hear this like I need air and water. I am CPTSD and have stumbled through 23 years with a covert narcissist after two other narc marriages....I thought I was the stupidest person with a college earned masters degree on the entire planet!! Bless you for your ability to help us understand ourselves! I know you have been here yourself. God bless you!!❤
That was a beautiful help to my journey - I will keep these examples in my “new wish list” going forward- Thank You Dr Ramani - I wouldn’t have gotten this far without your videos. I pray I make it to myself again 🙏🏻💪🏻💛🧡❤️
The best video yet. Thank you! I had tears rolling down my face; tears of grieving and relief. Childhood scapegoat/family narcissism
A Narc teacher of mine was one of my worst bullies. He would ask me if I cared what ppl think of me. What a stupid question to ask. Dr. Ramani said it best! “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” -Lao Tzu
This is one of the most helpful messages I have received. “Just get back to you.” So simple, but so true. My heart has been broken for over a month and this is really helping me come back to life. Thank you so much for what you do.
When it is over, consider your next relationship an LAT relationship
Living apart together
Works for us, and it is the only way to fly.
Now in our 27th year and very happy
We never fight. There is nothing to fight over!😉
Thank you Dr Ramani for keeping it simple: “get back to your authentic you”, there’s your ‘meaning and purpose’
It took me about a year to leave a three year relationship as I kept being pulled in. Then I read about ‘grey rocking’ which did the trick and I managed to escape the ‘tentacles’. Single for 2.5 years now and in no hurry to start another relationship 💪🏼🙌🏼
13yrs left 4 times. Never followed the 1yr advice and kept going back. Taking the advice this time!
After a very difficult divorce, I bought a townhouse in another state and started wriing books. Later, in another relationship, when I began to be devalued, I was able to say to myself, but I bought a townhouse and write books!!
I’m in my 4th year living like a gypsy in my ‘95 Chevy Roadtrek camper van. A dream come true even on my small SS income. I’ve been living alone for two decades but only really learned about narcissism in the past 2 years. My mother was an alcoholic narcissist and still is but a dry drunk for the past 40 years. I’ve been waking up and scrutinizing family and friends, finding all the narcissists in my life. Yes, the vigilance and revved engine when meeting new people and socializing. This video was so spot on for me, especially during this holiday. Thank you.
I'm glad he smeared me and used my family as flying monkeys... 16:47
Woke me up and i feel so much 💪 stronger knowing i did it...I DID IT❤❤❤ 17:26
This is the Best advice. I ran straight into two short, toxic relationships after finally leaving the long-term narcissistic relationship, and it just added so much more injury and pain. I’ve been single for five years since then and have gotten stronger every year. I finally feel healed, love and forgive myself, know myself better, and I know my judgment, self-esteem, and strength will never allow someone like that back into my life again. Such Freedom ❤️
Thanks & good job! Amazing message. Don't settle. We got this.
I have been no contact with my family of origin for almost a year and it took me this long to forgive myself for not seeing my family for who they are. Forgiveness starts within our hearts. May we all have a blessed new year 🎉!
Wow. I'm less than five minutes into this video and I'm nodding like a bobblehead. I was in a narcissistically abusive relationship for three years and got out at the end of March. One year single? I'm happy to be single for the rest of my life. What Dr. Ramani said about the pizza toppings and the thermostat and the keys really hit close to home - after being out of that relationship for nine months I'm now finally able to eat avocados again (my narc was obsessed with them and insisted we each eat at least one a day), and I can find my phone and my keys at all times!
Ha! I totally agree with everything you say! I am amazed at how my glasses are now NEVER LOST OR BROKEN!
Thank you, Ramini. Your gentle, thoughtful words have landed over the years of me trying to detach. I’m 96% close to walking away.
Ramani*
I was in a 33 year marriage to an emotionally abusive covert narcissist. He turned the kids against me - permanently...with lies that I am not allowed to know. It's been 4 years since he died, and I still do not trust myself to recognize narcissism, because they can hide it for a long time. I don't even think about getting into a relationship. I'm far too damaged....
We need Dr R to talk about people like us.
You need a support team of people who have experienced and survived long term covert abuse. Perhaps looking beyond your existing relationships will be helpful. I will pray for your healing.
This couldn’t have come at a better time, Dr. Ramani!
For two years I thought I was trying to help my (now ex) partner with an “avoidant attachment style.” Now I believe he is a Covert Narcissist. I’m slowly working my way out of my soft spot for him and separating his “goodness” from his “charm.” Thank you so much tor the insight!
I believe I will always harbor a pocket of love for him and I wish him well and pray every day that he makes the changes he needs to make.
But now it is time to live my life for me. 💜