I just call him out. Before I tried some of the techniques you mentioned but im fed up with the constant deception and lack of recognition of how I feel. To me, there comes a time when you have to put your foot down and show yourself respect instead of caring how the other person is affected.
Crazy thing is, I am so straight out with my addict that it outrages him. I'm not going to lose myself and start being a liar in order to keep the peace!
This is so much work! 😢 It’s so hard not to feel angry when I know he’s lying. I tend to just let it go bc by the time I cool down enough to do what you’re saying, too much time has gone by and the situation is over. Ugh
Agree. Done many of these things consistently, and it's so exhausting, I'm still the bad guy, cause I "have to have the last word" or "won't let it go"
The hardest lies are the ones the addict truly believe are true, basically their denial. It's hard to trust with all the deception. You give them a chance, but it's very hard.
I have a terrible temper so when I caught the lies and when I confronted about the lies, I am enraged to the point we are having huge fights and suddenly we scream and talk so much that I end up getting blamed for a lot of things. And I start feeling hurt and guilty. Then I’m like “how in the hell do I end up feeling guilty and like I’m in the wrong?” I realize now how losing control of my emotions enabled him to latch on to things to distract from his problem.
Hi Amber! I really enjoy your teaching style. It's very down to earth and easy to follow. Your question about total honesty is a fun one.... tricky and highly controversial. The way you described it is probably about the same as I see it. It is best not to lie if it can be avoided, but beyond that, intention is everything. Like when you said that sometimes it is a matter of being courteous or polite. I have often found myself leaving the presence of someone that I just met and have no reason to like, and hear myself saying, "Nice meeting you!" just out of common courtesy. And because I hate lying so much, if I find myself saying that to someone that really it was rather not nice and rather awkward to meet, I end up tagging it with "kinda!". This usually makes everyone laugh, because it acknowledges the awkwardness everyone was feeling. A lie that I find perfectly acceptable is a lie that covers up a surprise. It is not malicious in nature, and is revealed as such when the surprise is revealed, and no one is upset, and no trust is broken. At least, that has been my experience. My pastor is a staunch never tell a lie ever type, so when it came up in our Bible reading that Elisha the prophet lied to the newly blinded soldiers that were seeking him, in order to lead them into captivity, I piped right up! But Pastor, I said, I thought you said it was always wrong to lie? He replied, well, if God TOLD him to lie... and I was like "Ooooh... GOD told him to lie... where does it say that?!" And then we all laughed. (Reference 2 Kings 6:18-19) Also Rahab the harlot lied to protect the spies, and God blessed her for that. She's surprisingly in King David's, and consequently Jesus's, lineage. Awesome blessing God gave her for doing what is "absolutely wrong". 😉 Oh, and then there were all the people hiding Jews during the Holocaust that lied about it, and the circumstances around it, continually. I think those "liars" were pretty awesome. There's a time and a place to lie. Not too many times, and not too many places, but yes, there is a time and a place.
My 22 year old daughter is a compulsive liar and addict. She finally went to rehab but she knows she does not have my trust and yet she will still lie!!
If you need to give a person a WAY OUT of a lie, they’re A LIAR; nothing YOU DO OR SAY is a good reason for them to lie. NOTHING. Stop letting anyone put BLAME of an alcoholic on YOU! It’s NOT your addiction!
I was told i was an enabler by my ex parole officer because me allowing him to live with me and the comfort of him having a place to stay where he eats and sleep.
Hi, the more questions I ask, the worse the emotional and verbal abuse is. We are at a point (my marriage) that I can’t even ask a question or have a comment. I am living in a state of humility and curiosity (for the sake of my 2 young sons).
Hi Silvia, take a look at this video. It's about starting arguments as a manipulation tactic. I think it may help: th-cam.com/video/gw2fq6NbMrI/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much, Amber! I never thought I would watch these videos.. my father is an alcoholic. But he lives far away, and it doesn't bother me any more, but I found out that my brother is doing drugs, that's what makes me grief the most.. I just started my journey of healing... I want to help him, but don't know where to start... I wish my father was sober too, but he's been drinking for over 40 years!!!! Never admitted that he needs help...
Hi Tatiana, I'm so very sorry you're going through this (twice). I hope you find some encouragement and help here. We also have a support group for families on FB facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
thank you so much for all your time, effort and considerations :) i re-watch and know that i need lol to re-watch again...as there is so much great detail in all you give...i feel/think rescuing or being rescued is the greatest job and most important job at this time (for a long time :)...your an earth angel growing her wings *
Thankyou iam having a hard time dealing with his lies im at a point of idk what to do and how to deal with it. My dad never admits the truth and its starting to hurt.
I agree - the consequence of lying is loss of trust. With my own kids (and my students) when they were little and told a lie here and there, I’d tell them that trust is like a hot dog and every time they tell a lie it chops off a little more of that hot dog. Pretty soon it’s all gone and both trust & hot dogs are so hard to grow back. You don’t want a mom, dad or teacher who doesn’t trust you or believe what you say.
Mine was always late.. from 40 minutes to 2 hrs... I couldn't deal with that everyday... plus his answers were pretty dumb or inconsiderate cuz I was always waiting for him to eat dinner or do something, but for him just his things to do were important.. from talking an hour with an stranger at a store to pass by his old drunk friend for over an hour... life sucks with addicts cuz they care too way much about themselves.. mine said I should had been happy he was paying for almost everything but I was always always his last thing to do. Even on the weekends. That life sucks!
Hi Amber, 100% truth always. I was totally brought up in all truth all the time. Full disclosure. Otherwise do not speak until your ready. I totally believe in this. How can one be ones Authentic Self if One is lying, even a white lie. Truth in everything to all and not behind their back either. Go direct to the person and tell truth. Feelings and thoughts Yes. How can one have a authentic ""real"" relationship any other way with anyone. To you Amber this may seem naive though it is not naivetè, it is honesty. Any relationship needs to be based on complete honesty, even at the worst of times as well as the best and all else inbetween for a true "teamwork" relationship. Effective and yes Reflective listening and all honesty from self. So if something is wrong it certainly can be fixed. All cards on the table in all honesty. It will take work yes though very much worth it! My perspective only. Thank you Amber..you are Amazing for us all!💞👍👍
@@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber not sure. I will check..hang on..hope ur holiday great. I will let u know! No Amber I was Not though I am now with the group in liked saved and following, As well sent you a friends request too..I would be honoured to have you as my friend too, that would be too cool!🙂🙃💖💞👍👍🖖
Great information your videos have helped me personally . I am going to recommend your channel to everyone . We all become exceptional the moment we decide to make exceptional decisions .
My addict moved out. He was deceiving me and i caught on. I acted out so he moved. I had crossed his boundariws and he is now done with me. That seems twisted to me.
Of course, every situation is different, so without knowing all the details it would be hard for me to give specific advice, BUT a friend of mine used to say "either choose to be humble or get humbled by the universe". Sometimes in those situations, you've got to let nature takes its course. 😒
Put the shuffel down that basically means that the consequences have to get worse so he get over his pride? Sorry im German im not exactly sure if i understand the Quote right 😅. Im always thankfull for your help!
I think some people think it’s not technically lying if they just omit the truth. Especially if it becomes habitual (like, a spouse being gone for extended periods of time and never saying where they are) they aren’t even thinking about it, but I think this is a form of dishonesty.
I have a question... my fiance is a meth addict and has recently been incarcerated. We were on the phone talking and during the conversation I caught him in a huge lie, when he realized it and he sensed I was upset he immediately said, "see, you said you wanted honesty but when you hear it you get mad and make me regret being honest", what would you say to that? I never called him a liar, but I was upset and he could hear it in my voice so he tried to turn it on me. He does this alot!
I would say that it's natural to get upset when hearing upsettting news. I'd let him know that you can't promise not to be upset, but that you will try not to freak out our be very emotionally reactive.
@@cedpete7434 yes, I am very sure. I have been with him 11 years and he was sober with no problem for 8 almost 9 years. 2 yrs ago he tried meth for the 1st time and well, it did what meth does. He is right now 6 months clean and has put himself into 2 different drug classes and he is seeing a counselor weekly to deal with childhood issues so he is doing all he can to stay sober and put that behind him. Ive spent 11 yrs with him, I know who he is and I know he made a horrible mistake and will regret it for the rest of his life but he's also doing all he can to continue his sobriety and reaching out for the help that he needs to be able to keep pushing past his addiction.
@@joleencox5900 this is what an authentic marriage is, “All that I am and all that I have, I give to you.” At least this is what you want to start out with at the altar. It means that your heart is open and his is too. Open to what is best for the other.
I have come to see that each and every time I caught him in a lie or a situation that I have simply said that I am not ok with, without accusing, just in hopes of having my concerns recognized, I have gotten physically hurt. At the end of each of those episodes, I got my truck radiator shot (I wasn't in it), got pushed around/down, got punched, had my quartz bathroom counter cracked, things thrown at me, wholes put in my walls and finally this last time I straight up called the lie just that and got kicked down. Every time I turned into the bad guy. There seems to be no right answer in my situation so I'm just hoping at this point to get out of it alive.
My ex will immediately stonewall me as soon as I ask any clarifying questions.... and if I don't drop it, he starts to accuse me of trying to start fights even if I'm nice as pie. We still communicate regularly but I refuse to pretend i believe him, which is what his father does to keep the peace. I do all of the things you said and his little rages don't bother me because I know it's not me. He hates accountability
A way out ... WHY? It won’t feel better to you, no matter if/when they offer truth. Calling it out, doesn’t make a difference. And, humility - no such thing...they’ll TWIST whatever approach you take so they can turn it around ON YOU. It’s not about being a know it all...frankly, the boozer cannot use reason or logic, so you’ll always be the BAD ONE.
@@PutTheShovelDown haha "I didn't say everybody always lies but everybody lies, most of the time " lmao i loved the part where he gave a guy buprenorphine when he was on morphine so he could speak up loll
@@PutTheShovelDown i left you a comment about my current issue, please please respond :-( I'd love your input! P.s i was thinking of going away to inpatient just to get away from my area, but my mind is already made up about quitting
There is no use asking anything of my daughter her lies are like novels. She can go into elaborate stories. I just don’t want to be lied to so I never ask.
Hi Bill, One of our counselors "Kim" helps spouses in that type of situation. There are some videos on our channel with her. Here's one of the videos featuring Kim: th-cam.com/video/EnmJL8zBvqg/w-d-xo.html
I lie about my drinking because my family belittle's me and judge's me, my family has no idea i back to drinking after i was sober 5 yrs, shame and quilt of being a alcoholic is hard enough to endure, only alcoholic like me know's how it fill's.
Is lying by omission common? My partner doesn't look me in the eye and lie often but he'll tell me he did this and that but leave out the part where he visited a dealer or someone he shouldn't. It drives me crazy, cause when I get it out of him, he'll say "I never lied" and he's right. He didn't. 😑
good day madam , i am from Namibia and i have my two brothers (34 years old and 27 years old) are alcoholic and my mother still feel sorry for them , feed them , control my bigger brother's money (but know he lost his job due addiction) and their come home drunk and causing conflict , wanna beat children /my sisters . Please help my family , i am scared of what may happen to my children , mother , sister when i am not around at home when comes drunk.
You are pretty awesome! Sure wish I could get a virtual session with you! I've practiced many of your methods for attempting to let my wife be even remotely honest, it's never worked. And unfortunately I can't let the lies go and it hurts. I know she's a good person deep down, I want so bad to trust her. She's in rehab right now. While she admits that she lied continually, she doesn't seem remorseful about the pain she's caused me. She's said she understands I can't trust her but yet she gets upset with me for telling her I can't feel any remorse and I'm scared she'll do the same damaging things to me. She tells me I have to put the past behind us cause she went to rehab for me.... I thought she went for herself though :( How can I be more patient or should I not be patient... It feels good in a way, she only calls me and no one else while she's been in rehab but it's always been a fear of mine that she's codependent. How can I see remorse with out asking for it? Is she really recovering if she hasn't cried to me for all the wrong shes done to me? I really love her and my daughter has only ever known her as her mom since my daughters birth mom past away, yes I'm probably damaged from that. Last night I told her I've not worked or slept well and keep having flashbacks, right before our call was up. This evening she called and tried to just go on about her day and her headache... I kinda stopped her and said, "how did you feel about our conversation last night" she responded "I went to sleep". That hurt me! I said "the things I said last night didn't concern you at all?" She says "I said I was sorry, what more do you want" I told her I want to feel like you are sorry and I want you to come clean about all the lies and betrayel. She just got mad at me and said "if you're just gonna keep bit***** at me then you'll do the same thing when I get home and you could trigger me". She said "I'll call ya back in a little bit" I told her she didn't have to, so she did not. I'm sure she'll call tomorrow, but I'm not sure I even wanna talk to her, I know it will be like ground hog day :( I've made a commitment to myself not to give up on her the same way everyone in her life has already. I've gotten very good at not enabling her but I always say there is a fine line between not enabling and being controlling. I feel like she's eventually gonna want to part from me when she can't get any more from me. I hate having that feeling because I do feel love from her and if I'm truely committed in my heart, I don't think I should have those feelings.
Hi Jay, I'm so sorry you're in such a crappy situation! We do offer virtual sessions, I'd suggest meeting with Kim Garrett. She's our relationship specialist and this is the exact type of thing she helps with. In the mean time, maybe I can offer a tiny bit of feedback. In the early stages of recovery the person usually isn't ready to fully admit all their wrong doings and it isn't uncommon from them to be very self preoccupied, which I know it's especially hurtful because everything always seems to revolve around them. It's going to take a while before she can be in tune with others. I actually just released a new video this morning titled: Are They Really Sorry. It might be just what you need: th-cam.com/video/Yp1a6usq9Xc/w-d-xo.html
@jay are you or your spouse doing better. I quite... I'm still sad and worried about my situation, plus I'm pregnant but my partner still doesn't see the need to quite drinking smoking and taking Xanax Subs and adderall.. Mine was always late.. from 40 minutes to 2 hrs... I couldn't deal with that everyday... plus his answers were pretty dumb or inconsiderate cuz I was always waiting for him to eat dinner or do something, but for him just his things to do were important.. from talking an hour with an stranger at a store to pass by his old drunk friend for over an hour... life sucks with addicts cuz they care too way much about themselves.. mine said I should had been happy he was paying for almost everything but I was always always his last thing to do. Even on the weekends. That life sucks! And I don't get how love works sometimes cuz it's true I stopped hurting myself by being inside of the whole situation but I still love him. Sometimes I think I should just stop all types of communication with him if he doesn't look for help or quite drinking and move on... still hurts me but I need to do something to block the pain I'm having.
I made it with my addict in hard way.. but i know you are right.. i sucked him from my life after his playing with my mind and feelings... There was a very short shot... Gone.. he had been in denial stage, and couldn't make dession between be with me or an alcohol.. self pity, not ready for a relationship,... He wanna and in a moment or two..he doesn't wanna be... It hurts like hell.. I'm struggling with forgiveness..need more time... Still want him out of my life,( at the moment) if he will try to come back to me... Love and hate in the same time. Horrible feelings...
Not a fan of asking questions unless I need info. E.g, what’s your new email address? IMO, curious questions are still probing - at least the LO will interpret it that way. And questions I know (or suspect) the answer to are passive aggressive.
Why not just call the lie a lie? I don't have any more strength for games. My daughter/addict is 40 yrs old. I call it like I see it, and if she doesn't like it, too bad. Still love her but coddling is not helpful, in my opinion. I could be wrong.
if the person was not trying to kill you with their cooking, and s/he did his/her very best to make it taste good, then you must lie, force yourself to eat as much as you can and then say: " Thank You! it was delicious", even if you did not like it.
Techniques to USE? ONLY ONE. It’s called a Divorce Complaint filed at the courthouse! Don’t be THEIR FOOL more than twice! You know the saying...”Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice - or dozens of times - SHAME ON ME!” Respect yourself!
That doesn’t work for my ex husband. He lied about being in an IOP that didn’t exist...and did it for weeks. We would talk about his IOP daily. I still can’t believe he is able to maintain the lies he tells.
Wow I’m going through the same about the lies all the time ! I can’t believe anything out of his mouth anymore it’s a sad way to live . I love him and been with for 16 years but I’m so close to walking away for good
@@katiebarquet8783 it’s rough. I’m sorry. Is he in ANY counseling? He just finished 1 year of rehab and he’s still in counseling. He’s doing a lot better. Like back to normal…it took 10 months though and LOTS of help.
@@PutTheShovelDown I find your general recommendation is actually ask the family member to live their lives to the fullest, while having clear boundaries, treat this addiction as part of life (act normal about it), then guide the addict to come to the conclusion to quit themselves.
If can throw evidence in their face, video, pictures, screenshots in their face and he'll still try to convince me that he's not lying. I don't trust or believe anything he says and he expects me to forgive and forget and if I confront him all of a sudden I'm being a negative person and ruining the day. Hello!?! If you didn't lie straight to my face I wouldn't be ruining the day!
I Can't wait to get to a place where my cat and I are free from ex-friend yelling, lying, abusive verbally, very mean when it drinks. It can't remember the night b4 but the other person knows. Yuk this man can not ever tell the truth!!
I want to trust that i can trust you. Oh so many times ive said that . He offered to obtain drug and alcohol home test and take them any time i ask but he had no intention on having them in the house but every pay day he disappears and then i will get a phone call at stupid am with some drama to distract me from the fact he has been on the gear again but ive always said " if you are intoxicated, dont come home" but come stupid am, he is needing a place to sleep and he is hoping im to tired to address the repressing problem then the next day he pretends nothing happed. Well befor we got together i was upfront about that i wont even entertain the thought of getting together with anyone with substances problems , so if there is something your not telling me , just save face and walk away from even trying . Well last payday the same old , same old happened with the sob story phone call well in place and my responce was " im going to the 24hr chemist to pick up tests befor i pick you up and he opped to shift out over taking the test. Took me all of 10 mins to have everything he owns out on the lawn and once he had collected most of it, he offers to take the test knowing that his reaction to take the test in the first place ment i was not going to go waste my money if he wanted out of it . So no test taken but he only was willing to take one hrs after i said that he cant come in if he is not willing to do one , he would have sobered up by the time he aggreed but he was banking on the fact that his reaction of moving out ment i would not go to buy them. Mind you it was his suggestion to have tests on hand and he was going to obtain them months ago . What a preety lie. So many preety lies but when someone admits they suffer from psychotic rage when they drink or do drugs and black out to not remember or take responsibility for their actions . Like hell im letting " psychotic rage" in throw the front door. My kids safty comes first, ive seen most of the lies and the trail of distinction he leaces behind, burning bridges every payday and ive called him out on this so many times but he knew that id turf his ass when his addictions imacted my life , my kids lives and safty. He just was banking that i was all bluff. He was wrong. So now he has no choice but to own his shit as no one will take him in , not even his father. This could have been avoided if he took me seriously in the first place and not decided to lie to me about his substance abuse and just walked befor we even began but no , he told me he had been on the wagon for 5 years because of the distrunction and chaos it caused in his life and i wanted to trust that i could trust him.. ironic ha!
Hi Jaded, if you do decide to give him another chance, then I suggest using the drug testing as a preventative instead of using it to catch him. Here's a link to my free Home Drug Screening guide that will tell you how to do that: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/treatment-options-guide-lead-page-1 Also, here's a link to my Amazon affiliate webpage, which is a good place to buy home drug screens inexpensively: www.amazon.com/shop/addictionrecoveryresources-hopeforfamilies/list/2R1NPH6MOQY9N?ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d
@@PutTheShovelDown He has no chance of coming back . So many other serious boundries where plain out smashed. We where only together for less than 3 months and he wanted to live together full time already yet he spunged off me that was driving me broke. Dealt with an incident that borderd on sexual assult of him trying to get me pregnent while i was asleep. Dragged his ass to the chemist to pay for the plan B and then to the GP to make him have a full STIs screening on his dime. He would somke all my smokes, eat all my food and then he started wanting md to pay for unnecessary toys he wanted and put me on the spot in the shop and i said no , flat out as it was the day befor payday and if he wanted them so bad he could wait 1 day untill he had his own money. When we got together he wanted me to manage his money to prove that he was not spending it on durgs or alcohol and i said i was not going to take that on but when i kicked him out he tried to say i was controlling because i wanted to know what money he had . I never even knew how much he made and never asked and i made him have and pay for the STI test a d plan B. Just his suggestion of me managing his money was a red flag i was not stepping in to that trap to be thrown in my face later and i said no but the wanting to shift in and tring to get me pregnent so early in the piece was a manipulative move on his part to keep me tethered to him . Some for thought must of been put in to that so i will be his constant cash flow. Thats setting him up for a free ride in the long term. Anything good i did for him , he twisted in to something bad when it suited him . I had gone to the skateboard shop with him as i get a really good discount from them and got his new deck 40% cheaper than the marked price but he was not happy about me going with him ?? Was he really going there in the first place?? Makes you wonder what his plans where if he cant be happy with a 40% discount?? He is one piece of work that had it all planed out but he under estimated just how much i did see and kicking him out 3 times in under 3 months is a fool me once , shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me . Fool me a third time, not a hope in hell buddy. I was not fooled though, i just stupidly forgave him to many times and his actions where getting more manipulative in the last week where together that he started saying he was going to bash one of my neighbors for saying good morning ( he started telling me who i can and cant talk to) and he had a hissy fit in a shop because i said no to buying him things he wanted. Shaming me publicly last monday was not going to work and his controlling jealousy was a big part of his departure, i will talk to who ever i want to talk to and not fall for his attempts of starting to isolate me from my community. I did not even expect him to come back when he went out on the Tuesday actully as id started putting my foot down on his crap and did not care if he publicly put me on the spot . Oh did he carry on like a spoiled brat and i stood firm. He would have known that he was on his last legs but banking i was to weak to pull the pin as i have other personal problems that dont involve hi and are taking up alot of my energy so ive let alot of things slid. He thinks i dont see whats going on but ive been picking my battles and i feel he thinks im blind to it all. He was wrong, he is gone.
🔔To learn more about dealing with LIES AND MANIPULATION, watch this next: 📌th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zZduHyvDBhsWlsrbm07HssA.html
Put The Shovel Down 👍🏻👍🏻😁❤️
I just call him out. Before I tried some of the techniques you mentioned but im fed up with the constant deception and lack of recognition of how I feel. To me, there comes a time when you have to put your foot down and show yourself respect instead of caring how the other person is affected.
I can’t even imagine how many lies I never figured out!
Crazy thing is, I am so straight out with my addict that it outrages him. I'm not going to lose myself and start being a liar in order to keep the peace!
Same here!!
And LYING is my biggest pet peeve. After finally calling it OVER... 23 years married...in hindsight, the LIES are infinite!
This is so much work! 😢
It’s so hard not to feel angry when I know he’s lying. I tend to just let it go bc by the time I cool down enough to do what you’re saying, too much time has gone by and the situation is over. Ugh
💝💟
Agree. Done many of these things consistently, and it's so exhausting, I'm still the bad guy, cause I "have to have the last word" or "won't let it go"
Situation is over is actually part of my AH's strategy. Deflect, defer, deny, and disengage indefinitely.
The hardest lies are the ones the addict truly believe are true, basically their denial. It's hard to trust with all the deception. You give them a chance, but it's very hard.
It sure is, M_D!
Say it. They ARE LIARS...don’t LIE about it! It’s always going to be a fight until you just WALK AWAY.
This is very difficult, being lied to literally enrages me and I end up acting out and yelling, making the situation worse.
Hi Donna, try this video. It's about how to confront someone with a substance abuse problem. th-cam.com/video/XDGsuDvnKAM/w-d-xo.html
Same
I have a terrible temper so when I caught the lies and when I confronted about the lies, I am enraged to the point we are having huge fights and suddenly we scream and talk so much that I end up getting blamed for a lot of things. And I start feeling hurt and guilty. Then I’m like “how in the hell do I end up feeling guilty and like I’m in the wrong?” I realize now how losing control of my emotions enabled him to latch on to things to distract from his problem.
I do the same thing then I feel like I'm wrong
Same😢
Hi Amber! I really enjoy your teaching style. It's very down to earth and easy to follow.
Your question about total honesty is a fun one.... tricky and highly controversial. The way you described it is probably about the same as I see it. It is best not to lie if it can be avoided, but beyond that, intention is everything.
Like when you said that sometimes it is a matter of being courteous or polite. I have often found myself leaving the presence of someone that I just met and have no reason to like, and hear myself saying, "Nice meeting you!" just out of common courtesy. And because I hate lying so much, if I find myself saying that to someone that really it was rather not nice and rather awkward to meet, I end up tagging it with "kinda!". This usually makes everyone laugh, because it acknowledges the awkwardness everyone was feeling.
A lie that I find perfectly acceptable is a lie that covers up a surprise. It is not malicious in nature, and is revealed as such when the surprise is revealed, and no one is upset, and no trust is broken. At least, that has been my experience.
My pastor is a staunch never tell a lie ever type, so when it came up in our Bible reading that Elisha the prophet lied to the newly blinded soldiers that were seeking him, in order to lead them into captivity, I piped right up! But Pastor, I said, I thought you said it was always wrong to lie? He replied, well, if God TOLD him to lie... and I was like "Ooooh... GOD told him to lie... where does it say that?!" And then we all laughed. (Reference 2 Kings 6:18-19)
Also Rahab the harlot lied to protect the spies, and God blessed her for that. She's surprisingly in King David's, and consequently Jesus's, lineage. Awesome blessing God gave her for doing what is "absolutely wrong". 😉
Oh, and then there were all the people hiding Jews during the Holocaust that lied about it, and the circumstances around it, continually. I think those "liars" were pretty awesome.
There's a time and a place to lie. Not too many times, and not too many places, but yes, there is a time and a place.
My 22 year old daughter is a compulsive liar and addict. She finally went to rehab but she knows she does not have my trust and yet she will still lie!!
If you need to give a person a WAY OUT of a lie, they’re A LIAR; nothing YOU DO OR SAY is a good reason for them to lie. NOTHING. Stop letting anyone put BLAME of an alcoholic on YOU! It’s NOT your addiction!
I was told i was an enabler by my ex parole officer because me allowing him to live with me and the comfort of him having a place to stay where he eats and sleep.
What do you think about that?
I think it's true. I'm not allowing mine to live with me either.
Hi, the more questions I ask, the worse the emotional and verbal abuse is. We are at a point (my marriage) that I can’t even ask a question or have a comment. I am living in a state of humility and curiosity (for the sake of my 2 young sons).
Hi Silvia, take a look at this video. It's about starting arguments as a manipulation tactic. I think it may help: th-cam.com/video/gw2fq6NbMrI/w-d-xo.html
Thank you for helping, so many of us.., with ur knowledge.
My pleasure
Thank you so much, Amber! I never thought I would watch these videos.. my father is an alcoholic. But he lives far away, and it doesn't bother me any more, but I found out that my brother is doing drugs, that's what makes me grief the most.. I just started my journey of healing... I want to help him, but don't know where to start... I wish my father was sober too, but he's been drinking for over 40 years!!!! Never admitted that he needs help...
Hi Tatiana, I'm so very sorry you're going through this (twice). I hope you find some encouragement and help here. We also have a support group for families on FB facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you so much 🙏😇🌹
Glad I found you Amber, this will be helpful when dealing with a family member who is drinking. I grew up with it too, so I know you can relate to us.
Hi Patrick! I'm glad you found us too! I can definitely relate to growing up with alcoholism in the family.
Thank you so much for your videos they have helped keep me sane and get through the trickier situations
Your videos are excellent, so happy I found your channel 😊💖🌸
Awww thanks Rachel! I'm so glad you found us too!
thank you so much for all your time, effort and considerations :) i re-watch and know that i need lol to re-watch again...as there is so much great detail in all you give...i feel/think rescuing or being rescued is the greatest job and most important job at this time (for a long time :)...your an earth angel growing her wings *
Happy to help! Thank you for your kind words Jacqueline!
Amber, Thank you so much for sharing this valuable advice. You get to the roots!
Thankyou iam having a hard time dealing with his lies im at a point of idk what to do and how to deal with it. My dad never admits the truth and its starting to hurt.
I agree - the consequence of lying is loss of trust. With my own kids (and my students) when they were little and told a lie here and there, I’d tell them that trust is like a hot dog and every time they tell a lie it chops off a little more of that hot dog. Pretty soon it’s all gone and both trust & hot dogs are so hard to grow back. You don’t want a mom, dad or teacher who doesn’t trust you or believe what you say.
Mine was always late.. from 40 minutes to 2 hrs... I couldn't deal with that everyday... plus his answers were pretty dumb or inconsiderate cuz I was always waiting for him to eat dinner or do something, but for him just his things to do were important.. from talking an hour with an stranger at a store to pass by his old drunk friend for over an hour... life sucks with addicts cuz they care too way much about themselves.. mine said I should had been happy he was paying for almost everything but I was always always his last thing to do. Even on the weekends. That life sucks!
You're so right, Gabb! Being in a relationship with an addict, means always being second to the addiction.
I lie about my drinking because if my friends and family know that I'm drinking they will get upset with me and leave me.
New viewer/sub. You have some great vids and tips. Liked tip #5 on this one. Thanks.
Awesome, thank you! So glad to have you as part of our little community!
Hi Amber,
100% truth always. I was totally brought up in all truth all the time. Full disclosure. Otherwise do not speak until your ready. I totally believe in this. How can one be ones Authentic Self if One is lying, even a white lie. Truth in everything to all and not behind their back either. Go direct to the person and tell truth. Feelings and thoughts Yes. How can one have a authentic ""real"" relationship any other way with anyone.
To you Amber this may seem naive though it is not naivetè, it is honesty. Any relationship needs to be based on complete honesty, even at the worst of times as well as the best and all else inbetween for a true "teamwork" relationship. Effective and yes Reflective listening and all honesty from self. So if something is wrong it certainly can be fixed. All cards on the table in all honesty. It will take work yes though very much worth it!
My perspective only.
Thank you Amber..you are Amazing for us all!💞👍👍
Hi Sandy, Are you in our FB family group?
@@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber not sure. I will check..hang on..hope ur holiday great. I will let u know!
No Amber I was Not though I am now with the group in liked saved and following, As well sent you a friends request too..I would be honoured to have you as my friend too, that would be too cool!🙂🙃💖💞👍👍🖖
Great information your videos have helped me personally . I am going to recommend your channel to everyone . We all become exceptional the moment we decide to make exceptional decisions .
Thanks Richard!
If a person is used to lying for years, I feel like it will still be a problem if they get off the drugs. Am I crazy for thinking that?
My addict moved out. He was deceiving me and i caught on. I acted out so he moved. I had crossed his boundariws and he is now done with me. That seems twisted to me.
Thank you for your Videos! What can someone do if pride is in the way of recovery? 🙂
Of course, every situation is different, so without knowing all the details it would be hard for me to give specific advice, BUT a friend of mine used to say "either choose to be humble or get humbled by the universe". Sometimes in those situations, you've got to let nature takes its course. 😒
Millstreet Teut your pride or your loved ones pride?
Its my loved ones pride. He grew up in a very pride household
Put the shuffel down that basically means that the consequences have to get worse so he get over his pride? Sorry im German im not exactly sure if i understand the Quote right 😅. Im always thankfull for your help!
How to know if he is injecting drugs with needles? Without accusing.
I think some people think it’s not technically lying if they just omit the truth. Especially if it becomes habitual (like, a spouse being gone for extended periods of time and never saying where they are) they aren’t even thinking about it, but I think this is a form of dishonesty.
I have a question... my fiance is a meth addict and has recently been incarcerated. We were on the phone talking and during the conversation I caught him in a huge lie, when he realized it and he sensed I was upset he immediately said, "see, you said you wanted honesty but when you hear it you get mad and make me regret being honest", what would you say to that? I never called him a liar, but I was upset and he could hear it in my voice so he tried to turn it on me. He does this alot!
I would say that it's natural to get upset when hearing upsettting news. I'd let him know that you can't promise not to be upset, but that you will try not to freak out our be very emotionally reactive.
Are you sure you want to marry a meth addict?
@@cedpete7434 yes, I am very sure. I have been with him 11 years and he was sober with no problem for 8 almost 9 years. 2 yrs ago he tried meth for the 1st time and well, it did what meth does. He is right now 6 months clean and has put himself into 2 different drug classes and he is seeing a counselor weekly to deal with childhood issues so he is doing all he can to stay sober and put that behind him. Ive spent 11 yrs with him, I know who he is and I know he made a horrible mistake and will regret it for the rest of his life but he's also doing all he can to continue his sobriety and reaching out for the help that he needs to be able to keep pushing past his addiction.
Exit stage left, that’s so sociopathic. He is trying to manipulate the situation so he doesn’t have to change.
@@joleencox5900 this is what an authentic marriage is, “All that I am and all that I have, I give to you.” At least this is what you want to start out with at the altar. It means that your heart is open and his is too. Open to what is best for the other.
I have come to see that each and every time I caught him in a lie or a situation that I have simply said that I am not ok with, without accusing, just in hopes of having my concerns recognized, I have gotten physically hurt. At the end of each of those episodes, I got my truck radiator shot (I wasn't in it), got pushed around/down, got punched, had my quartz bathroom counter cracked, things thrown at me, wholes put in my walls and finally this last time I straight up called the lie just that and got kicked down. Every time I turned into the bad guy. There seems to be no right answer in my situation so I'm just hoping at this point to get out of it alive.
No one should tolerate physical abuse. Please get yourself into a safe situation.
you need to report this to the police
My ex will immediately stonewall me as soon as I ask any clarifying questions.... and if I don't drop it, he starts to accuse me of trying to start fights even if I'm nice as pie.
We still communicate regularly but I refuse to pretend i believe him, which is what his father does to keep the peace. I do all of the things you said and his little rages don't bother me because I know it's not me. He hates accountability
For me if you lie about something small you feel comfortable to lie about something big it's a spiral downward
A way out ... WHY? It won’t feel better to you, no matter if/when they offer truth. Calling it out, doesn’t make a difference. And, humility - no such thing...they’ll TWIST whatever approach you take so they can turn it around ON YOU. It’s not about being a know it all...frankly, the boozer cannot use reason or logic, so you’ll always be the BAD ONE.
You should put a thumbnail for this as doctor House saying Everybody Lies 😂
That's Brilliant! I'm totally doing it🤩🤩🤩🤩
@@PutTheShovelDown haha "I didn't say everybody always lies but everybody lies, most of the time " lmao i loved the part where he gave a guy buprenorphine when he was on morphine so he could speak up loll
@@PutTheShovelDown i left you a comment about my current issue, please please respond :-( I'd love your input! P.s i was thinking of going away to inpatient just to get away from my area, but my mind is already made up about quitting
@@PutTheShovelDown i listen your videos all day when I'm working! :)
There is no use asking anything of my daughter her lies are like novels. She can go into elaborate stories. I just don’t want to be lied to so I never ask.
What about when the addict lies about doing drugs when you find remnants in the house?
I kicked his ass out! It’s a progressive disease so I’m not interested in what comes next.
This is awesome and is sure to help me . Thank you Amber.
You're so welcome!
These people are way too much work and not worth it!
How do u stop them lying?
Does anybody deal with spending addictions. My long time marriage is about gone. Need help.
Hi Bill, One of our counselors "Kim" helps spouses in that type of situation. There are some videos on our channel with her. Here's one of the videos featuring Kim: th-cam.com/video/EnmJL8zBvqg/w-d-xo.html
I am right up there too
I lie about my drinking because my family belittle's me and judge's me, my family has no idea i back to drinking after i was sober 5 yrs, shame and quilt of being a alcoholic is hard enough to endure, only alcoholic like me know's how it fill's.
Is lying by omission common? My partner doesn't look me in the eye and lie often but he'll tell me he did this and that but leave out the part where he visited a dealer or someone he shouldn't. It drives me crazy, cause when I get it out of him, he'll say "I never lied" and he's right. He didn't. 😑
Lying by omission is the most common type of lye. When someone says "I never lied", I respond with "You purposely set out to deceive" .
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you. That's a great way to word it.
good day madam , i am from Namibia and i have my two brothers (34 years old and 27 years old) are alcoholic and my mother still feel sorry for them , feed them , control my bigger brother's money (but know he lost his job due addiction) and their come home drunk and causing conflict , wanna beat children /my sisters . Please help my family , i am scared of what may happen to my children , mother , sister when i am not around at home when comes drunk.
You are pretty awesome!
Sure wish I could get a virtual session with you!
I've practiced many of your methods for attempting to let my wife be even remotely honest, it's never worked. And unfortunately I can't let the lies go and it hurts. I know she's a good person deep down, I want so bad to trust her. She's in rehab right now. While she admits that she lied continually, she doesn't seem remorseful about the pain she's caused me. She's said she understands I can't trust her but yet she gets upset with me for telling her I can't feel any remorse and I'm scared she'll do the same damaging things to me. She tells me I have to put the past behind us cause she went to rehab for me.... I thought she went for herself though :(
How can I be more patient or should I not be patient... It feels good in a way, she only calls me and no one else while she's been in rehab but it's always been a fear of mine that she's codependent.
How can I see remorse with out asking for it?
Is she really recovering if she hasn't cried to me for all the wrong shes done to me?
I really love her and my daughter has only ever known her as her mom since my daughters birth mom past away, yes I'm probably damaged from that.
Last night I told her I've not worked or slept well and keep having flashbacks, right before our call was up. This evening she called and tried to just go on about her day and her headache... I kinda stopped her and said, "how did you feel about our conversation last night" she responded "I went to sleep". That hurt me! I said "the things I said last night didn't concern you at all?" She says "I said I was sorry, what more do you want" I told her I want to feel like you are sorry and I want you to come clean about all the lies and betrayel. She just got mad at me and said "if you're just gonna keep bit***** at me then you'll do the same thing when I get home and you could trigger me". She said "I'll call ya back in a little bit" I told her she didn't have to, so she did not. I'm sure she'll call tomorrow, but I'm not sure I even wanna talk to her, I know it will be like ground hog day :(
I've made a commitment to myself not to give up on her the same way everyone in her life has already. I've gotten very good at not enabling her but I always say there is a fine line between not enabling and being controlling. I feel like she's eventually gonna want to part from me when she can't get any more from me. I hate having that feeling because I do feel love from her and if I'm truely committed in my heart, I don't think I should have those feelings.
Hi Jay, I'm so sorry you're in such a crappy situation! We do offer virtual sessions, I'd suggest meeting with Kim Garrett. She's our relationship specialist and this is the exact type of thing she helps with. In the mean time, maybe I can offer a tiny bit of feedback. In the early stages of recovery the person usually isn't ready to fully admit all their wrong doings and it isn't uncommon from them to be very self preoccupied, which I know it's especially hurtful because everything always seems to revolve around them. It's going to take a while before she can be in tune with others. I actually just released a new video this morning titled: Are They Really Sorry. It might be just what you need: th-cam.com/video/Yp1a6usq9Xc/w-d-xo.html
@jay are you or your spouse doing better.
I quite... I'm still sad and worried about my situation, plus I'm pregnant but my partner still doesn't see the need to quite drinking smoking and taking Xanax Subs and adderall..
Mine was always late.. from 40 minutes to 2 hrs... I couldn't deal with that everyday... plus his answers were pretty dumb or inconsiderate cuz I was always waiting for him to eat dinner or do something, but for him just his things to do were important.. from talking an hour with an stranger at a store to pass by his old drunk friend for over an hour... life sucks with addicts cuz they care too way much about themselves.. mine said I should had been happy he was paying for almost everything but I was always always his last thing to do. Even on the weekends. That life sucks!
And I don't get how love works sometimes cuz it's true I stopped hurting myself by being inside of the whole situation but I still love him.
Sometimes I think I should just stop all types of communication with him if he doesn't look for help or quite drinking and move on... still hurts me but I need to do something to block the pain I'm having.
I made it with my addict in hard way.. but i know you are right.. i sucked him from my life after his playing with my mind and feelings... There was a very short shot... Gone.. he had been in denial stage, and couldn't make dession between be with me or an alcohol.. self pity, not ready for a relationship,... He wanna and in a moment or two..he doesn't wanna be... It hurts like hell.. I'm struggling with forgiveness..need more time... Still want him out of my life,( at the moment) if he will try to come back to me... Love and hate in the same time. Horrible feelings...
He doesn't seem to care that I don't trust him. I don't trust him because he rarely is honest.
Consequence of lying is that I can’t trust you and I’m pretty sure it’s all downhill from there
I had no idea addicts could be so calculating.
They most definitely can be! 😮
You have no idea.
Praytell, what is a 'cat daddy' lie?
hahahaha 😅 I just made it up. For me it's just another way of saying "a big one". 😅😅
Not a fan of asking questions unless I need info. E.g, what’s your new email address? IMO, curious questions are still probing - at least the LO will interpret it that way. And questions I know (or suspect) the answer to are passive aggressive.
Why not just call the lie a lie? I don't have any more strength for games. My daughter/addict is 40 yrs old. I call it like I see it, and if she doesn't like it, too bad. Still love her but coddling is not helpful, in my opinion. I could be wrong.
if the person was not trying to kill you with their cooking, and s/he did his/her very best to make it taste good, then you must lie, force yourself to eat as much as you can and then say: " Thank You! it was delicious", even if you did not like it.
Techniques to USE?
ONLY ONE.
It’s called a Divorce Complaint filed at the courthouse! Don’t be THEIR FOOL more than twice! You know the saying...”Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice - or dozens of times - SHAME ON ME!”
Respect yourself!
That doesn’t work for my ex husband. He lied about being in an IOP that didn’t exist...and did it for weeks. We would talk about his IOP daily. I still can’t believe he is able to maintain the lies he tells.
Wow, he took the lying to a whole new level! 😮
Yes. Yes he did. That all he does is lie...about everything.
Wow I’m going through the same about the lies all the time ! I can’t believe anything out of his mouth anymore it’s a sad way to live . I love him and been with for 16 years but I’m so close to walking away for good
@@katiebarquet8783 it’s rough. I’m sorry. Is he in ANY counseling? He just finished 1 year of rehab and he’s still in counseling. He’s doing a lot better. Like back to normal…it took 10 months though and LOTS of help.
Very helpful!
A. Ye thanks A.Ye😁
@@PutTheShovelDown I find your general recommendation is actually ask the family member to live their lives to the fullest, while having clear boundaries, treat this addiction as part of life (act normal about it), then guide the addict to come to the conclusion to quit themselves.
@@AYe-ly2yo You summed it up perfectly! I bet you feel like you've watched so many videos that you should have a recovery coach certification! 😅
@@PutTheShovelDown LOL I totally feel that way!
If can throw evidence in their face, video, pictures, screenshots in their face and he'll still try to convince me that he's not lying. I don't trust or believe anything he says and he expects me to forgive and forget and if I confront him all of a sudden I'm being a negative person and ruining the day. Hello!?! If you didn't lie straight to my face I wouldn't be ruining the day!
I Can't wait to get to a place where my cat and I are free from ex-friend yelling, lying, abusive verbally, very mean when it drinks. It can't remember the night b4 but the other person knows. Yuk this man can not ever tell the truth!!
Or-they don’t care if you don’t trust them…
Everybody didn't lie.
For true liars no of that works in fact they find a way to still turn it on u.
Why do u make videos on something that’s based on opinion
Most situations are theoretical it just depends on personal perspective. I personally find this helpful
I want to trust that i can trust you.
Oh so many times ive said that .
He offered to obtain drug and alcohol home test and take them any time i ask but he had no intention on having them in the house but every pay day he disappears and then i will get a phone call at stupid am with some drama to distract me from the fact he has been on the gear again but ive always said " if you are intoxicated, dont come home" but come stupid am, he is needing a place to sleep and he is hoping im to tired to address the repressing problem then the next day he pretends nothing happed.
Well befor we got together i was upfront about that i wont even entertain the thought of getting together with anyone with substances problems , so if there is something your not telling me , just save face and walk away from even trying .
Well last payday the same old , same old happened with the sob story phone call well in place and my responce was " im going to the 24hr chemist to pick up tests befor i pick you up and he opped to shift out over taking the test.
Took me all of 10 mins to have everything he owns out on the lawn and once he had collected most of it, he offers to take the test knowing that his reaction to take the test in the first place ment i was not going to go waste my money if he wanted out of it .
So no test taken but he only was willing to take one hrs after i said that he cant come in if he is not willing to do one , he would have sobered up by the time he aggreed but he was banking on the fact that his reaction of moving out ment i would not go to buy them.
Mind you it was his suggestion to have tests on hand and he was going to obtain them months ago .
What a preety lie.
So many preety lies but when someone admits they suffer from psychotic rage when they drink or do drugs and black out to not remember or take responsibility for their actions .
Like hell im letting " psychotic rage" in throw the front door.
My kids safty comes first, ive seen most of the lies and the trail of distinction he leaces behind, burning bridges every payday and ive called him out on this so many times but he knew that id turf his ass when his addictions imacted my life , my kids lives and safty.
He just was banking that i was all bluff.
He was wrong.
So now he has no choice but to own his shit as no one will take him in , not even his father.
This could have been avoided if he took me seriously in the first place and not decided to lie to me about his substance abuse and just walked befor we even began but no , he told me he had been on the wagon for 5 years because of the distrunction and chaos it caused in his life and i wanted to trust that i could trust him.. ironic ha!
Hi Jaded, if you do decide to give him another chance, then I suggest using the drug testing as a preventative instead of using it to catch him. Here's a link to my free Home Drug Screening guide that will tell you how to do that: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/treatment-options-guide-lead-page-1
Also, here's a link to my Amazon affiliate webpage, which is a good place to buy home drug screens inexpensively: www.amazon.com/shop/addictionrecoveryresources-hopeforfamilies/list/2R1NPH6MOQY9N?ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d
@@PutTheShovelDown
He has no chance of coming back .
So many other serious boundries where plain out smashed.
We where only together for less than 3 months and he wanted to live together full time already yet he spunged off me that was driving me broke.
Dealt with an incident that borderd on sexual assult of him trying to get me pregnent while i was asleep.
Dragged his ass to the chemist to pay for the plan B and then to the GP to make him have a full STIs screening on his dime.
He would somke all my smokes, eat all my food and then he started wanting md to pay for unnecessary toys he wanted and put me on the spot in the shop and i said no , flat out as it was the day befor payday and if he wanted them so bad he could wait 1 day untill he had his own money.
When we got together he wanted me to manage his money to prove that he was not spending it on durgs or alcohol and i said i was not going to take that on but when i kicked him out he tried to say i was controlling because i wanted to know what money he had .
I never even knew how much he made and never asked and i made him have and pay for the STI test a d plan B.
Just his suggestion of me managing his money was a red flag i was not stepping in to that trap to be thrown in my face later and i said no but the wanting to shift in and tring to get me pregnent so early in the piece was a manipulative move on his part to keep me tethered to him .
Some for thought must of been put in to that so i will be his constant cash flow.
Thats setting him up for a free ride in the long term.
Anything good i did for him , he twisted in to something bad when it suited him .
I had gone to the skateboard shop with him as i get a really good discount from them and got his new deck 40% cheaper than the marked price but he was not happy about me going with him ??
Was he really going there in the first place??
Makes you wonder what his plans where if he cant be happy with a 40% discount??
He is one piece of work that had it all planed out but he under estimated just how much i did see and kicking him out 3 times in under 3 months is a fool me once , shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me .
Fool me a third time, not a hope in hell buddy.
I was not fooled though, i just stupidly forgave him to many times and his actions where getting more manipulative in the last week where together that he started saying he was going to bash one of my neighbors for saying good morning ( he started telling me who i can and cant talk to) and he had a hissy fit in a shop because i said no to buying him things he wanted.
Shaming me publicly last monday was not going to work and his controlling jealousy was a big part of his departure, i will talk to who ever i want to talk to and not fall for his attempts of starting to isolate me from my community.
I did not even expect him to come back when he went out on the Tuesday actully as id started putting my foot down on his crap and did not care if he publicly put me on the spot .
Oh did he carry on like a spoiled brat and i stood firm.
He would have known that he was on his last legs but banking i was to weak to pull the pin as i have other personal problems that dont involve hi and are taking up alot of my energy so ive let alot of things slid.
He thinks i dont see whats going on but ive been picking my battles and i feel he thinks im blind to it all.
He was wrong, he is gone.
So helpful!
Glad it was helpful!