If you're looking for more support resources I offer interactive workshops on my site that can help work on things like inner child nurturing & establishing healthy boundaries: katimorton.com/the-shop
My dad's alcoholism has never been verbally addressed at home. I can't believe how much I relate to every single one of these. I still live with my parents at home in my 20s because of my poor mental health. This was so eye-opening and made me think differently about my home environment and my own mental health. Thank you Kati!
I felt the same in my 20’s, but I didn’t have a choice to stay home. I was scared to death! I’m glad it happened though. I eventually figured it out and became independent. I hope it works out for you!
The exact same thing is happening with me, I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I don’t acknowledge it as well but my therapist and I are diving deep! Hope it works out for you ❤️
Bottom line is shame and embarrassment for life because our parent was an addict. I was so afraid to have other kids over to the house because my alcoholic father was always falling down drunk and yelling incoherently. I had such low self esteem, all my life, thinking his problem was because of me or my siblings. And of course we had nothing to do with it. At any rate, I never felt I was good enough for a real relationship and all of mine have been short and ended badly. I finally just gave up and quit hoping for love. I just gave my life to my job/career and avoided my family as much as possible. Now that all of us are older, we all realize we have the same problems. None of my siblings married, we have no children and no in laws, no partners, just a big fat nothing. It's not a good life.
I appreciate the sharing, That helps a lot with my ACoA concepts. It's sad, but nice you put it in words. Mom was so passive, sad. I never knew her parents, but apparently it might have been pretty bad...to bad to ever talk about it.
I'm glad you shared your story and I'm really sorry that you still haven't really recovered from your addicted parents. I thought I was the only one that felt this way since my siblings seem kinda fine, but I think it's because they have different ways of coping with it and talking about it isn't one of them. But yeah I didn't know that it was common for victims to blame themselves for their parent's problems. Literally today all I did was ask my dad for my money back since he used it on porn stars, scammers, and alcohol, and he was like "well maybe I wouldn't be spending it on porn stars if you just hung out with me more" I WAS LIKE BRO I"M YOUR DAUGHTER And also I used to hang out with him a lot, but whenever I did he would always talk about himself or just not talk at all, and it usually felt like I was hanging out with a rock. I used to believe that if I was there for him more, then he wouldn't drink, cheat, yell, or spend over $80k on a porn star, but then I realized that victims of this kind of treatment aren't usually at fault. So yeah I really hope things get better for you in life. I really hope you find love in life if that's what you want. You deserve it after what you and your siblings went through...
yes, I agree with you I've pretty much avoided my entire life and am still doing it years later and I don't know how to get out of the loop. I have one sibling who ran away and basically talks to no one and is also alone.
1) perfectionism -good grades 2) toxic independence -only count on yourselves and feel you don’t need anyone 3) manipulation -passive action so things get better, manipulating the environment 4)overly responsible -caring for parent, taking on too much, toxic independence moving into being overly responsible 5) destructive - counting on someone who’s not a healthy person, all of nothing thinking, poor choice of people u spend your time with 6)Can’t express emotions or talk about -saying everything is fine 7)checking out -forgetting a problem exists or refusal and swallowing it 8)Thinking that putting ourselves first is selfish -other people are more important, only one giving to the relationship, fear if u put yourself first they can lash out 9)Conflict must be avoided at all cost -stuff down feelings, being toxic independent 10) Always being the fixer -attracted to those who are in need, keep everyone happy even if we aren’t happy in order to earn love and get support we need Co dependent - addicted to them and making things easier for them Enmeshment- no clear boundaries so how they feel is how we feel
This hits hard. Makes me want to just cry, but I can’t. I’m in my 40’s but I still feel like that little girl who never felt like she was secure. Like there was no stability. When it’s just you and your mother and you come home from school, never knowing which version of your mother will be there. And, because of her alcoholism and inability to protect me, a lot of other terrible things happened. She passed away almost 10 years ago, and I’m left with all these pieces. Thank you for doing these videos. I just recently discovered them.
I can relate. My mother was an alcoholic when I was roughly 5-8 years old. I struggle with anxiety which I think is a result of this. Also need counseling as an adult to understand what i experienced as a child
I'm reading this post 1 year after it was posted. I hope you are recovering even if it's just a little bit. It's sad how alcohol can take people earlier than they're supposed to be taken, but it's even sadder to see how the people around them have to deal with the trauma for longer when they just get to leave.
same, I feel like it's to late for me, I can't recover this who I am... closed off, toxic in my independence, don't trust anyone, perfectionist at my job! basically everything in the video she mentioned is me.
I wish people would also include gambling addictions within the same level of severity as other forms of addiction. My mother had and still does have an addiction and she was absent for most of my childhood, put alot of shame on me after losing, nearly ran us bankrupt, neglected me and my brother and simultaneously abused us. But everytime i feel like I can talk about it to someone it always gets shut down or not taken seriously. I wish people understood that even though her addiction wasn't to drugs or alcohol it still left heavy scars on me. It hurts to go through your entire life alone and get beat down for everything because a machine is more interesting to your parent than you.
Now I've never grown up with addict parents myself, thank god, but I can imagine how mentally and emotionally draining and scarring it can be to have to grow up in such a household. My heart truly goes out to anybody who has to grow up or has grown up under such a set of circumstances.
My mum is 63 and is still going on drinking binges right now. She tried to quit in January but she doesn't want to quit. She's constantly calling me now trying to get me to come back home but I'm ignoring her. She thinks that once I come home and stay with her, it'll magically be okay and she can continue drinking.
@Phoebe5448 I'm so sorry that you are experiencing watching your mom go through this and that she doesn't seem to want to change her situation. Have you suggested any rehabilitation programs that you may knownof to her?
@Jawskillaful she's been to rehab a couple of times and has been in recovery programs but as of January this year she's off the wagon again. People have tried but she's in denial. Just have to wait until she does it herself. It's really frustrating but this has been going on for a long time.
Well this put the finger on a lot of my feelings and behaviour. My father was an alcoholic, although I didn't realise that until near the end of his life and I found hidden, empty bottles everywhere. There were other factors : my mother was extremely anxious, I was an un-diagnosed autist. Frankly, addressing all this has been exhausting.
That 7th point "can't talk about or express emotions" can really link with your 8th point! Not just putting ourselves feels selfish, but having needs feels selfish. Substance abuse in family systems has such a complex impact on children.
Both my mom and stepfather were alcoholics, so I had to worry about both sides. He abused the crap out of her, and I had to make sure my mom was okay before I could sleep at night! So throughout middle school (7 & 8 grade), and high-school I never got more than 4 hours of sleep a night ( diagnosed with insomnia in my 30s) Lol. I was attending a technical hs on the east coast of the US, so not only did I learn the academics, I was in cosmetology. It was a bad situation, but I survived! Unfortunately the 10 signs mentioned all are a part of me still ( 56 y.o.)! Thank you for this video, listened with my 2nd husband, so he could understand why I am me! I do therapy and am working on me, but it's a long road!❤
You've just described me, from 1 to 10. I remember when I was awarded as "volunteer of the year" by an important NGO. I was really happy about it and it came as a surprise to me... and when I told my mom about it she said "so what? that's nonsense. You must only study hard and quit doing stupid things". That day I wondered myself "why should I share my feelings if that's what I get?". I'm still working to fix those issues but I'm starting to feel happy now.
Me too. My mum once barged into my room screaming: "What do you do all day?? Nothing!! All you do is sit there, doing your stupid writing and your stupid boxing!!" I've been a kickboxer for 7 years now and I love to write creatively. I've been out of work for a while but that hurt me. Part of the reason I failed my exams was because of her drunken behaviour all my life. I was unable to study and I failed my exams and have been unable to get a decent job.
@@Phoebe5448 don't give up! I went back to university when I was 28 years old to study the thing that was my real passion: social education. Now I'm 40 and I work with kids and teens at risk and I recently became a foster parent to an amazing 14 y.o. boy. I used to think that I couldn't achieve my goals but here I am. I still have difficulties with some things but I try my best.
11:28 "It makes the addict very unpredictable" was spot on. Not only does it make it hard to acknowledge and express emotions, but you go around with this big secret and shame.
The worst thing was, how unpredictable the outbursts were. One time I was the best daughter of the world and the next time I was a b*tch, that’s ugly and stupid. I tried to figure out the expression, if there’s the good or bad drunk, so I could prevent any confrontation. Then my grandfather (the most important person in my life) got into the hospital after a stroke and I had to do everything. My father drove drunk to the hospital visit and was caught by the police. So I had to work ( baker so nightshift), taking care of the hospital visits and buying groceries. My mom never got a license and my sister wasn’t there to help. When my grandfather passed away I didn’t even had time to cry. After some years and several drunken statements about how bad the world is to them and I should help more, I exploded. I screamed at them, that their whole actions with their alcoholism affected me bad. I had to pretend everything is normal and how I didn’t invite anyone, because they were always drunk. I said to them, that I loved my grandfather more than them. He listened to me and my problems. But I didn’t even had time to grieve about him, because I had to take care of full grown adults. I got a job in Switzerland a year after this and we’re about 500 km separated. Sometimes I laugh about it and say to my husband, how I can get along with every drunk person and don’t make them more angry. Therapists aren’t a thing here, but I feel like I need one. When I see my husband drinking something, I get angry and don’t talk normally to him or avoid him.
I am so sorry.. and yes these types of behaviors and thinking can result from emotional neglect, any other kind of abuse or toxic environment too. xoxo
Sharing vulnerability - normal people with normal lives in a society, where almost no one dies until they are very old or have been ill for a long time leads to...... when sharing vulnerability about something difficult... most normal people are not ready for such a conversation, not accepting, not empathic, and they do run away... They just want to have fun and not talk about the ugliness in life. There are rare normal people who can be empathic about ugly things, ... but still they usually dont get it really. My mother has very severe chronic schizofrenia.... the only person I can talk to about it really is my therapist. There is a coworker, whom I can talk to about moms problems, but she does not get how difficult it is for me, so I dont get any empathy... the empathy is only for my mom.
Understanding helps us to know why we feel or act a certain way even though we keep trying so hard to change. The more we understand what happened, the easier it becomes to move beyond it. From personal experience, I know this is true and that being set free can take time and to not give up.
This whole video explains my life! It also explains the why of the disfunctions and bad choices in my past! Thank you, Jesus, for setting me free of this generational curse! ✝️ ❤️
@@sarahrobertson634 I didn't say anything about addiction. I have been toxicly independent, extremely controlling & I have picked men I thought I could "fix."
I look back at my childhood and have memories from 5 years old going to school and feeling I don't fit in and no one liked me. I felt overwelmed and hard to relax and learn. I felt nervous participating in any school activity, afraid of so many things and not getting any warmth or encouragement and just feeling alone and lost. Dad only interested in play pool or snooker at the pub and golf and the tab. No nice family moments, sibling conflict and separation. Mum work nights and dad piling us into the car at night in our nighties to go to the pub ( first memory I was 5 .After leaving school at 15 and living at home, not able to hold a job down as too overwhelmed even by the smallest thing, would wake In the morning and think I can't do this, my mind wouldn't stop overthinking, and I would call in sick and this went on well into my late 30s and so unreliable to every employer approx 60 plus jobs ranging from a month/ weeks or even 1 day.
My husband has a lot of these symptoms. His parents are actually recovered addicts, but they never healed the wounds that caused the addiction. Instead of using drugs and alcohol anymore, they became obsessed with work and productivity. Even though his parent weren't using I think he felt just as alone as he would of if they were due to toxic productivity. I wish I could tell them that their work addiction is as bad as their drug addiction and it left their kids avoidant perfectionists. That even though they surround themselves in recovery (they have their own business and multiple non profit recovery houses) they have not truly recovered. Just transferred the addiction to something more socially acceptable.
There wasn't active addiction in my family, but there was in my father's, and the echoes of that addiction and dysfunction definitely played out in my family. It can show up even if there isn't active addiction. Good luck to everybody out there living with the reverberations of addiction.
Hi Kati. My younger brother was an alcoholic for years and he beat me up severely. I was traumatised by this, aming many otherthings. He is no longer an alcoholic, and we have become friends again after many years. I think he was incredibly strong to get past this and am very grateful for the healing of our relationship. You spoke about perfectionism. That is me.
Wow, this summed up my entire life. My mum has been an alcoholic for at least 40 years. Longer than I've been alive. It was just mum and me. No dad. I have an aunt and uncle and cousins but we were never really close as a family. I'm an only child and I was quiet and shy. Mum was always neglectful emotionally and physically. She would mostly be passed out on the sofa and I was never taught how to cook. Two years ago, she went on a huge campaign of emotional abuse constantly. In November of that year I almost had a breakdown. Before I was able to brush it off and focus on my own interests, but she was barging into my room and screaming at me for being a horrible person, being lazy, not having a job and being abusive just like my biological father. When I asked her why once she was sober, she claimed it was because I was back in contact with my biological dad and that she was worried about me not having a job. This has never happened before or since, although she was always physically abusive too for no reason since I was young. I suppose I learnt how to withdraw from society due to this. I always just stayed at home, played video games, write creatively, and never went out at night and took drugs or drank. I've always been clean. Never had a steady job though because my mum helped to fail my exams due to her behaviour. I am also incapable of having romantic relationships because I'm asexual and don't understand love. This cleared up a lot for me. Thanks!
I'm currently lost in thought. I've experienced trauma from Dad's drunken behavior. He becomes a different person when intoxicated, making us fear him. Sometimes, he'd come home early, saying hurtful things, like the time he challenged someone, leaving me terrified and humiliated. I'd cry secretly at night, praying for guidance and change. We've talked about quitting drinking multiple times, but he hasn't changed. This trauma affects my school life, causing anxiety and impacting my relationships. Despite this, I remain hopeful, believing it's part of life. Thankful for stumbling upon this 💕
What a great video. Thank you for putting out such amazing content. This explains a lot. I grew up with a dad that was undiagnosed bipolar. He drank to excess some months. My mother I believe was a narcissist. It was interesting. I did blame them for a while. Then I realized I need to learn the lessons and grow from that. I also did this to my children. I wasn't there for them a lot of times because I was diagnosed bipolar but refused to get help. I told everybody that lithium didn't work for me therefore I wasn't bipolar. What a crock of s***. My addiction was eating. I grew up watching a lot of alcoholics and told myself I would never be like them so instead I turned to food. Now that I medicated I'm making amends with my children and everybody in my life for all the damage I've done being unmedicated for so long. I do take full responsibility from my actions even while in episodes although I don't remember some of the things I did during those episodes. I rely on my family to tell me what I have done so I can then take responsibility for it. Anyways thank you again for your videos they really make me reflect on my life.
It shocks me just how much i can relate to every single one of this...especially the toxic independency, even though i never before saw it as something toxic. It is set in stone inside of me that i have to be able to do anything on my own, that i can never ever ever relay on anybody and that the only way to survive is to be able to be completely and 100% independent and to never need anybody. I don´t know if i can ever let go of this....and the second thing...to let the addict feel the consequences of there behavior and not prevent them for them....but what if the consequences are death? I have been at this point several times with my father...i am the only one in this world that can save his life ( i know i should not be, he should be the one....yet he is not able to...) ....so if i don't act and he dies....how would i live with that? but i really really don't want to be responsible for his life anymore....
Pff same shit for me fr I am at the point that even when death is the consequense, im ok. Then i will life maybe with some regrets?! But this is not the way of life it is fk distructing and its a circle and if you dont watch out you will end up the same or more fuckedup its your choice man
I have the same problem toxic independence it's beyond repair! The trait that shocked me was perfectionist, didn't think that was bad trait but I guess it is because you are trying to avoid complaint. My mother is in her 70's and still an alcoholic and me being the girl I have basically taken the task to be a part of her life, since my brother left and never turned back. I'm still helping this woman! who I literally can't figure out why she needs to drink in the first place ?? when both her kids turned out alright and she even has a good home for herself. So tf is she such a drunk ??? I can't comprehend it.
Thank you very much! My parents were both alcoholics and I can confirm all the points. It takes time to understand yourself and your experiences. But this is the beginning of the path to a life of one's own and above all: one breaks this cycle of damage in one's own environment! Thank you.
Thank you SO much for mentioning that the goal is not to place blame, it makes it easier for me to feel less guilty when processing the truth about my late father who struggled with addiction due to his mental illness.
I still have trouble with people pleasing, but I am so much better than I was! I feel like I have made progress in all these areas. I’ve been in therapy for 7 years. It takes a lot of hard work but you can change your life. Please believe me. ❤
Both mom and dad were addicts off and on over the course of my childhood. Throw in parents also diagnosed one manic/depressive and other multiple personality disorder. Add a big dose of narcissism and how could I not identify with all 10 of these. I just think this is normal behavior for everyone. Thank you for being kind and illustrating how this is learned coping behaviors. I need to start the work to adjust.
Holy shit. As a child I used to purposely hide away to get others to come find me and ask how I was. I sometimes isolate to get people to do the same as an adult. I always felt like a jerk for being so manipulative but now I see why...
I’ll most likely delete this later I’m abit fucked up right now but if you do see this before I delete it I jus want to say I never talk about stuff like this I’ve been through a lot of stuff like this in my past and hearing someone understand and speak about situations like this helps out a lot and I’m sure it helps out a lot of other people. A lot of blokes and chicks would rather keep shit like this too themselves but just listening to this just makes us feel like there’s people out there that genuinely understand. Thank uou
My mother wasn't into drugs or alcohol, but she's addicted to the television and of shopping. People think those can't be used as an addiction, but they sure can. And everyone that came to the house I grew up always wondered why she just sat there and watched TV. One of my gf's literally told me she rarely saw her in any other location of the house than her corner of the sofa.
Thank you. I'm in my SIXTYS and still dragging this around. Had a violent, unavailable and unstable mother, and an alcoholic father always away on construction jobs. I'm a fixer, toxically independent, avoid conflict like the plague, checking out, perfectionist, can't recognize or express emotions... I'm definitely codependent. I'm hitting all the buttons, all the defense mechanisms....I hate horror movies, romcoms, not fond of surprises...I get so tired of this stuff. But I'm working on it. I appreciate your posts.
I avoid conflicts at any cost. I don’t want to start conversations, about anything, for fear it will start a conflict. When asked a question I give the shortest answer possible, so as not to cause conflict. This has been most of my life. This wells over into the intimate part of my life. I try not to rock the boat, so I don't initiate sex. Sadness and loneliness most of the time.
I was raised by two ACofA. They were massively screwed up. I identified with everything you said in your video. I have spent the better half of my life in recovery because of the Alcoholics. The Alcoholics were my Grandfathers. Who both died before I came into the picture. Both men left a very toxic legacy. Sad, just sad.
I just found out that my father is an alcoholic. My mother is most likely either passive or enabling his behavior because she seems on edge all the time, it’s a relief to have a starting point where I can start changing and healing. thank you so much for making this video. It helped me more than you may know but thank you thank you thank you.
It was older my brother who was the alcoholic. Ripped family apart, put my mum against dad, and caused such shame behind closed doors, and caused his death. Even at his funeral, few attended due to shame. 25yrs on still impacts me. I totally tried to be perfect to make up for him, to show it wasn't my parents' fault B was an alcoholic. I definitely also relate to toxic independence from the family unit, trying to escape as soon as I could leave home, and trying manipulation to try and make him better, I'm afraid. I also parented my mum who felt responsible. Too old too quick, saw too much, no childhood. You hit so many ouch points here Katie, even rho it wasn't a parent. Tysm xx
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. I could not just scroll past you.
This has really been eye opening for me as it explains a lot. I was in heavy denial about my parents’ addictions growing up. They kept it very hush hush around me and we never talked about it. Like you said, it became the elephant in the room that everyone pretended wasn’t there. My parents weren’t abusive but there was some emotional neglect going on and my mom wasn’t medicated for her mental illnesses until I was an adult. I always felt like I didn’t count as a child of addicts because we kept it so secret and we weren’t the stereotypical addict family you see in tvs and movies. I’ve now been accepting how my childhood was really like thanks to my therapist. I love my parents, but I know they’re not without their flaws and it doesn’t excuse the damage done. I will be checking out those support groups ❤ I still can’t talk about it except to my therapist, boyfriend, and best friend or online to strangers like now. I thought about coming out about the struggle to more people whenever my mom does pass away. It feels weird to air it out when one parent is still alive and can hate me for speaking out. Thank you for your support, Kati and community ❤
I sympathize with you. My parents were very religious, that was their addiction. They were very secretive and had tons of interpersonal issues that were always hidden. My mother is a raging narcissist who neglected me emotionally but controlled me and made me perform in church to make her look good to her friends. I mean literally perform, I had to learn music and perform musical numbers for service every week. Everything was for appearances. My father's abuse, drunkenness, and infidelity was never acknowledged. Everything was a secret. She rejected me as an adult for not adhering to her religion. My father was murdered when I was nine years old because he chose to become involved with a married woman and her husband shot him. He was the principal of the Christian school and the associate pastor of the church in our small community. Dirty, dirty business. I'm pretty messed up.
All things you've said is true, and also it relates with CEN or Childhood emotional neglect. Because they didn't care about our emotions..... As a boy that's so painful, specially in Africa😕
Kati, you are so great! This video is eye opening. Not everything here describes my experience, but a lot of it does. I was the youngest and my alcoholic dad thought that I was the result of an affair, he was wrong, and I wanted it to be true once, but I'm obviously his kid. He was mean and never supportive of anything I did, so I withdrew and stayed in my room a lot. My Mom was the one who did all of the parenting. She was great. As a side point, the elephant in the room analogy fits with mental illness too. My family has mental illness, and everyone tries to act like it's not there. The stigma is still a huge thing. Thanks for your videos!
There's solid statistical evidence now that a "propensity" towards being an addict can be inherited. Dad was alcoholic, so was his father, and a cousin of mine. I am VERY careful in limiting my intake of alcohol and antianxiety/opium based drugs. Dad did AA and dried out, stayed sober, starting when I was in high school. After being drunk one night, in the morning he woke up in my older sister's bed; he was terrified. 40 years sober when he died. But, still, problems. I'm unable to form long term relationships.
Growing up, my father was an alcoholic. He got sober when I was about 9 years old (I’m 19 now) and for my entire life I’ve never really hade many clear memories from that time. Meaning I haven’t remembered a lot of moments from my life as a whole earlier then when I was about 10 or 11. Because of this, I’ve always thought that I was lucky in a way to be so young so that I didn’t remember any of it. The last two years however, I’ve thought about the whole thing a lot more and realized that a lot of these symptoms correspond very well with myself. As I’ve thought back, I’ve also felt more emotional about the entire thing, remembered more specific events, and especially remembered the feelings that I had growing up in that environment. It seems to me like I was affected by it a lot more than I originally thought and perhaps subconsciously chose to forget some things from my childhood. Why am I writing this? Partly, because it helps myself to write down about my experience, but also partly because I want to emphasize that you don’t need to have lived your entire life or even entire childhood in an alcoholic environment to experience the effects of it. Everyone has their own story and gets affected in their own way and their own volume. I’ve always thought that just because a lot of people have had it worse than me, my feelings are somehow illegitimate. But that is simply not true. If you feel something, you feel something, and it’s important to not throw that away by comparing yourself to others ❤
I'm really glad that we can come here and tell our stories. I know it takes a lot of healing and growth for those who have experienced and witnessed trauma to talk about it. Personally, my dad was an abusive alcoholic. On his days off he would be drunk all day, but we never knew what we would get from him. Are we waking up to screaming, hitting, and hurtful words? or are we waking up to fun drunk dad? My mom and dad were separated when I was born so I lived with my dad, stepmom, and siblings. My mother was an addict who had gone too far and had done damage to her way of life. Meaning, even when she is sober, she seems like she's high on something and talks in a fast-paced tone. I would have promises for visits at my house, ending with tears of broken promises. That's when me and my stepmom created a plan for our safety and better futures. I had just turned 17 and I knew that I wanted to get out. She took my siblings and went to live with her mom, and I went to live with my grandma. Today we are all in such better places. It was hard and took a lot of self-love, time, healing, and communication. I'll be 23 this year and am going to my social work degree. My stepmom is working on buying her own house with the kids. This is a reminder that if you are in a bad place that it will get better. It is hard, tiring, and almost feels impossible, but sometimes it just takes lots of love to push you through. I'm so proud of those who are strong enough to fight for life. I'm proud of those who got out. I'm proud of everyone. You can do this
All of these apply to me. My father wasn’t an alcoholic but suffered terribly from depression. I developed many of these behaviors so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. To escape, I married an alcoholic when I was a teenager, and raised children with him creating another generation of people with the same issues. I was finally made aware of the consequences of the decision I made to stay with my alcoholic husband on my children.
One of the most unsightly things about addiction is the way addicts have to deny and justify their awful behavior. They can get pretty strident about it. If people only knew what the word "addiction" means. In AA alcoholics can laugh about their past behavior, but during the time is was a dark and scary ordeal. Everyone involved with an addict suffers because of it. I have been sober six years now, but I still have issues and problems I need to work on.
I'm only 1:40 in and I can already tell how enlightening and useful this video is for me. My grandfather used to drink a lot (world War 2 ptsd I thought), and this influenced my mother (his daughter) to raise her children the complete opposite of how he did. So, the effects of an alcoholic in the family can even leave its influence two generations down the line.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom. I now suffer from early childhood neglect, depression, anxiety & trauma bonding. I am in the process of working through these issues.
Oh! Oh! 10 out of 10! First time in my life that I was perfect at something! Seriously, I think that this was all much more confusing because mom was a functional alcoholic and I had no idea why she behaved like she did until much later in life. When my siblings and I finally confronted her, she denied it. When my daughter was young, the hospital social worker literally told to stop drinking and endangering my child or she would have to move out of my home, and she accused everyone of lying and persecuting her and she moved. Frickin' unbelievable, but best for us that she left despite financial hardship all around. Thank you for addressing this Kati.
Wow. That was powerful. My mom was a “closet” alcoholic- as I refer to it anyway. She would typically have 3 or 4 drinks 3 or 4 times a week. This video helps me understand what I was going through as a child. Thank you for this.
This was my upbringing. Violent sadistic alcoholic step-dad and a mother who stood and watched and did nothing. All my failed relationships, the fixer. And now shockingly I see after watching this my relationship with my therapist. Dealing with severe child c-ptsd, bpd and I feel guilty being a bother and inconvenience to my therapist and feel she would be much better off without me wasting her time.
My mom has been drinking every day since i know myself. However, it seems that her drinking got significantly worse over the past 3 years when she divorced my dad, and struggled to pay bills and also there is no one to tell her if she can drink or not. I noticed that I don’t relate to this as much as my siblings do! It’s crazy how much it all makes sense now. Praying that my mom will get the strength she needs to overcome this. I love her so much, and this hurts as much.
I just wanted to say this video gave me so much clarity on personal quirks that I've developed over the years. Thank you so much for making this! Do you think you'll ever make a follow up on this video on how to tackle some of these unhealthy coping mechanisms? :D
First off, I love you Kati. I used one of your videos to admit my ed to my parents in my twenties…. which meant everything to me. now 10 yrs later my ocd has turned to alcohol. Its so frustrating. Its like a mix of both battles. 7 months ago I found the courage to “leave” someones who abused me…. which is probably the cause yet I cant let him go 100%. ive found a new comfort in alcohol (which makes me gain weight) 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ i feel like a TOTAL failure. Now, I had to move back in with my parents. Im honest with them always and they suggest I/P but I have no primary or insurance. Any advice? Will either issue ever completely go away?!? ive come to accept my ed may be for life but this alcohol has to go! ps: you are absolutely amazing. I may not comment on all your videos but I am always here and always praying and rooting for you.. I pray to meet you one day even if its for 10 minutes ❤😂🎉
My father was an alcoholic, and it affected my life heavily, but I don't seem to relate to much of this video. I just was used to the alcoholism, and I was often placed between my parents, as dad would make me swear to secrecy and mom would make me tell her if he snuck alcohol into the house. Then I was told by dad it would be my fault if they split up, when I never wanted to be a part of any of it. I learned a lot of avoidance. I don't like confrontation. While some of these points are relatable, the reason wasn't because of what you gave, but for me it was because of fear. I feared my father and I avoided him because he was abusive in a few ways I won't describe. I became extremely independent because I was scared to bother my parents. I distracted a lot because I couldn't deal with the disturbing reality of seeing my dad passed out, slurring, or being weird, to put it lightly. So I definitely have some of the stuff in this video, but my reasons are different. I also almost became an alcoholic myself. Maybe my situation is different because I had depression and an anxiety disorder since I was a kid, and I'm neurodivergent (autism spectrum).
Ala~teen was the best thing that happened to me as a kid. I mean it. I made such a good friend that changed my world back then. Your videos are truly awesome. I found you when Shane Dawson had you on his channel and I've been following you ever since. Your channel deserves a lot more attention. 💙💙💙💙 It's so helpful.
I’m still living with an alcoholic parent and have for 16 years. I’ve always had to be the “parent” and now I know why I’m so bad with friendships and relationships, it’s because of my toxic independence. Since I take care of my parent all the time I feel as if I don’t need anyone else anyways so why try? This is only one of all the issues you listed that I relate to but it’s been the detrimental to me because I have no social life because of it. The affects of having no one is so terrible and I feel so alone everyday even though I don’t want to be I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.
There are a lot of other types of dysfunctional families. My dad started drinking heavily right before my parents got divorced. But even if he hadn’t, and my family was otherwise free from drugs and alcohol, we still would have been a dysfunctional family. For example, my mom always put her needs above mine. And she used to defend me when my brothers were mistreating me, but then she stopped. She also wouldn’t help me with my marriage problems even though she had expected me to help her in the past. The worst part is that she wanted me to care that she was sick all the time, but never cared that I was getting sick. My mom and I have never used drugs and rarely used alcohol. But we still had a dysfunctional relationship.
Never thought I'd be in this comment section. I both understand what kind of things can drive people to drink but also despise alcohol with my very being.
My dad has been a very heavy drinker ever since I was born. I have 4 siblings, and the reason why my mom married my dad was because she got pregnant after he pressured her to have sex with him. When they decided to have more kids, my mom would have to take care of the house, the paper work for the bills and taxes, planning events and vacations, driving us to school, taking care of us, and house appliances all by herself. She even had to fix a pipe in the bathroom by herself while she was pregnant with me because my dad (who was playing video games) was annoyed and refused to help out. From the start, he showed how he never really cared for anyone else but his own needs. He never cared for my mom because even when she juggled trying to take care of us when we were crying infants, he decided to cheat on her because she “didn’t spend enough time” with him. I remember sleeping in my bed with my mom because I was scared of sleeping alone when she told me that she “has to go hang out” with my dad so that he doesn’t feel lonely. Little did I know that she did that to keep him from cheating because it happened before. And yet again, he cheated. Today, we’ve caught him cheating at least 9 times. However, we are stuck with him financially, so he uses that to treat us badly, especially my mom. Recently, my dad has lost most of his money because he spent it on a real estate business with his friend. My dad also lost his job because of his alcoholic issues. We are currently living off of government money because the real estate isn’t bringing any money, and he can’t find a new job. Even though we’re basically broke, my mom reassured me that “we still have $30k in the bank, so we have some time.” … Today, we just found out that my dad has spent a total of $25,250 in the last 2 months on a random woman he found online. My little brother is 14, my older sister works hard everyday at 2 jobs because she needs to save up for a car. Yet he’s spending the last bit of hope that we had left on a woman who has now left him. What’s funny is last night (the night before I found out that we’re basically broke now) I couldn’t stop crying and praying to God to help save my dad because for the past year he has been throwing up CONSTANTLY. His eyes have also turned yellow. Everyday, I think about my dad and how long he has, and I feel like at this point I’m just counting days until he’s gone. I prayed to God, “I know he’s hurt my mom and the rest of us a lot, but I can’t bare to see him in hell.” I’m sure if my dad heard my prayers for him, he still wouldn’t regret what he’s done. I just needed to rant about this, I feel betrayed. I feel like I cared for him so much, only to be reminded that he does not feel the same, and was only using us for his convenience. I’m 17, I gave up on trying in school, I wanted to start my own business and create music, but I feel so empty and purposeless in life. I feel like there really is no way out. For my dad to do this to us, just makes it worse…
@@shelleyw4225 Thanks! Actually things haven't really gotten much better, we're still in a ton of debt and my dad got diagnosed with liver cancer so we don't really know how long he has left. Although I was mad (and still am) at him for not really caring about how he treated us, I still love him a lot and I'm really sad that it might end in a really bad way for him. Right now my mom is trying to divorce him so that if he does pass away, then hopefully her name will be removed from the debt and she won't have to take it. Thank you again for reaching out it means a lot!
@@shelleyw4225 thanks for the support I really appreciate it. The situation technically could be worse lol but it hasn't gotten much better. We found out that he spent over $80k on this one porn star (that's fake) and like over $30k on recovery scams. Because we don't have enough money to pay for the bills, we sold our piano, cars, and other furniture to pay for them. However since my mom was in control of selling the stuff and she took the money, I didn't know that she put the money in her joint bank account with my dad. (btw at this time my dad was in another state and before he left we thought he stopped talking to the porn star and scammers) So he took all the money that we made from selling stuff and sent it to the porn star and scammers. Because he took the money, my siblings and I are helping to pay all the bills (but mostly my older sister since she gave all her money to us after joining the military recently). Also I know this sounds really stupid, but I gave my dad access to my debit card to spend money on food since he was in a different state with no EBT (food stamp) card, so he had no money for food, water, or gas. But within a day I found out that he spent $80 on alcohol and scammers so yeah I changed my bank info immediately. But yeah thanks for reaching out man sorry for the essay, but yeah it's pretty bad right now but I'm still glad that I have my mom and my siblings to pool money with so that we can hopefully survive this. I gotta be honest though, I think if we checked the joint bank account sooner this could've all been avoided so it's also on us for not being more aware.
I'm a 15 year old boy whos dad is dead and mum is a recurring alcoholic. I find myself being pretty independent, but i always wish i had a responsible parent who truly cares about my future. I know my mum loves me but she is just always tired and just sits on the couch all day and i just cant rlly trust her. Im typing this comment because my mum has just relapsed and i just want somewhere to kinda vent, im feeling really lonely at the moment. My mum also had a seizure couple weeks back and im really scared shes going to get rlly sick soon. I dont want both my parents gone man. Im always jealous of my friends since they have big families with of course 2 healthy parents and many cousins, auntys, uncles and just lots of connections. Which i dont have, its just me, my brother, mum and grandma but i rarely see my grandma much. sometimes i just wish i had a normal life like everyone else. My dad also only died last year from cancer and its been rlly difficult without him. probs one of the big reasons my mum is suffering.
another topic that I would like to see discussed is the effect of addicted children on the rest of the family, in particular on the parent-child relationship and bond.
I'm 22 and my father has been an alcoholic all my life. I've been a straight A student till now. I'm known as a very friendly and cheerful person by others but I've never had friends over, my father never attended PTA and I'm very depressed when I'm alone. My older brother moved out and I've had to deal with my parents alone and it has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I'm tired all the time, I can't focus on my studies, I've limited interactions with others and I'm on the verge of giving up. I couldn't go for higher studies cause of financial instability given that none of my parents have stable source of income.I tried to kms in the year my brother left and idk if that was stupid of me or I should've gone ahead with it.
Ah, childhood! What little I remember anyway. My dad would rather spend all day at the bar than be with us. From the age of 6, I rarely saw him until the day my dear mother died when I was 10 and he vanished from my life altogether. She did what she could to take care of us. I remember she had threatened to leave him and that happened but in the worst possible way. He died alone 10 years later. Foster homes gave little emotional support either, more the opposite with emotional abuse. All I learned from that abuse was that having an opinion caused conflict so better to be invisible. I only understand his addiction, though I see now he could have at least tried to quit for the sake of us, because I started drinking and walked that alcoholic path for a decade, although for me, isolated because I didn't want to create a family. I feared I would have to just to watch them have to go through what I did and that I might turn out to be like him. I quit drinking when I was 30, too sick of being sick to continue. But the damage was done in those early years and what I used is negative role models that I did not want to be like to help me stay quit. I have never had a long term relationship or seriously thought of marriage. Partly because I was sure I'd be that runaway groom if it ever got that far but also that I just felt I have no idea how the hell to even be close to anyone, add in my trust issues and that makes it a scary prospect to even consider.
All of this seems spot on for my childhood but my mom wasn't an addict. She was, however, a religious zealot. It's incredible the parallels between religious extremism and actual addiction.
This sums my life up in a nutshell…. Growing up with meth addicted and alcoholic parents formed so much of my identity. Only through trauma therapy and EMDR have I been able to identify how much their addictions still impact my every day life. Thankfully my mom has gotten sober for 15 years now but the damage is done 🤷🏼♀️
11. Deformities, birth defects or health issues that we’re not allowed to admit were caused by addiction. Leads to anger and resentment that we can’t place.
This video was very helpful for me to make sense of some of these confusing emotions I have. Maybe this would help my alcoholic Dad understand things better. Classic abused mentality, or is there hope?
Another question: how does one differentiate between someone’s use of alcohol and their abuse of alcohol? Not everyone gets “passed-out” drunk, but that doesn’t mean their demeanor can shift drastically while drinking. In my experience, alcohol tends to potentiate anger and wrath more than any other emotions. But I acknowledge that this isn’t going to be the case for everyone.
100% my mum is a functioning alcoholic, has a good stable job, never affected her ability to maintain the house or provide food and stuff, but when she was drunk she was this horrible, angry, abusive person and it was always directed at me. It was almost like she would look for any reason to be mad at me and rant about every single one of my flaws and what she didn’t like about me.
I never had to deal with this. My mother was a very anxious and worried person. And I think I may get that from her. My dad was a great guy but he was not very understanding.
If you have kids and you are the sober parent, if you can, get those kids out of there. It's not worth it for kids to live through the rollercoaster of addiction and it changes the sober parent for the worse. You will be run down, irritable, overwhelmed, stressed, angry, scared and later feel like a shell of yourself. And kids need their parents healthy and sane.
Hi, thanks for sharing this. I am curious if you have ever heard of any studies of how an individual’s behavior or demeanor when intoxicated can suggest underlying mental health conditions? I’ve been asking around on this one, but no luck so far. I know it seems like a tough topic to research, but it seems like it might be worthwhile. Some individuals barely change their demeanor when intoxicated, but some change radically. Thanks for all the work you do for the MH community.
I lived a big secret - alcoholic father horror stories never told anyone, brother accidental death then mother developed bipolar much meds hospitals etc and father still drank - I have such anger toward him when I think about how he affected us and I’m a grown adult who suffered an abusive marriage 22 years then divorced and I’m a loving caring parent and want a relationship it’s been several years but don’t need the stress -I should have been in therapy never was …. Too late I think - I’m over 60 WOW you’re right on
If you're looking for more support resources I offer interactive workshops on my site that can help work on things like inner child nurturing & establishing healthy boundaries: katimorton.com/the-shop
I love
My dad's alcoholism has never been verbally addressed at home. I can't believe how much I relate to every single one of these. I still live with my parents at home in my 20s because of my poor mental health. This was so eye-opening and made me think differently about my home environment and my own mental health. Thank you Kati!
I am so glad it was helpful!! xoxo
Same
I felt the same in my 20’s, but I didn’t have a choice to stay home. I was scared to death! I’m glad it happened though. I eventually figured it out and became independent. I hope it works out for you!
family refuses to talk about anything. I hate it!
The exact same thing is happening with me, I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I don’t acknowledge it as well but my therapist and I are diving deep! Hope it works out for you ❤️
Bottom line is shame and embarrassment for life because our parent was an addict. I was so afraid to have other kids over to the house because my alcoholic father was always falling down drunk and yelling incoherently. I had such low self esteem, all my life, thinking his problem was because of me or my siblings. And of course we had nothing to do with it. At any rate, I never felt I was good enough for a real relationship and all of mine have been short and ended badly. I finally just gave up and quit hoping for love. I just gave my life to my job/career and avoided my family as much as possible. Now that all of us are older, we all realize we have the same problems. None of my siblings married, we have no children and no in laws, no partners, just a big fat nothing. It's not a good life.
This literally describes my life aswell 😔
Same for my siblings and I. We do have children but ran from relationships.
I appreciate the sharing, That helps a lot with my ACoA concepts. It's sad, but nice you put it in words. Mom was so passive, sad. I never knew her parents, but apparently it might have been pretty bad...to bad to ever talk about it.
I'm glad you shared your story and I'm really sorry that you still haven't really recovered from your addicted parents. I thought I was the only one that felt this way since my siblings seem kinda fine, but I think it's because they have different ways of coping with it and talking about it isn't one of them. But yeah I didn't know that it was common for victims to blame themselves for their parent's problems.
Literally today all I did was ask my dad for my money back since he used it on porn stars, scammers, and alcohol, and he was like "well maybe I wouldn't be spending it on porn stars if you just hung out with me more"
I WAS LIKE BRO I"M YOUR DAUGHTER
And also I used to hang out with him a lot, but whenever I did he would always talk about himself or just not talk at all, and it usually felt like I was hanging out with a rock.
I used to believe that if I was there for him more, then he wouldn't drink, cheat, yell, or spend over $80k on a porn star, but then I realized that victims of this kind of treatment aren't usually at fault.
So yeah I really hope things get better for you in life. I really hope you find love in life if that's what you want. You deserve it after what you and your siblings went through...
yes, I agree with you I've pretty much avoided my entire life and am still doing it years later and I don't know how to get out of the loop. I have one sibling who ran away and basically talks to no one and is also alone.
1) perfectionism
-good grades
2) toxic independence
-only count on yourselves and feel you don’t need anyone
3) manipulation
-passive action so things get better, manipulating the environment
4)overly responsible
-caring for parent, taking on too much, toxic independence moving into being overly responsible
5) destructive
- counting on someone who’s not a healthy person, all of nothing thinking, poor choice of people u spend your time with
6)Can’t express emotions or talk about
-saying everything is fine
7)checking out
-forgetting a problem exists or refusal and swallowing it
8)Thinking that putting ourselves first is selfish
-other people are more important, only one giving to the relationship, fear if u put yourself first they can lash out
9)Conflict must be avoided at all cost
-stuff down feelings, being toxic independent
10) Always being the fixer
-attracted to those who are in need, keep everyone happy even if we aren’t happy in order to earn love and get support we need
Co dependent
- addicted to them and making things easier for them
Enmeshment- no clear boundaries so how they feel is how we feel
Thank you for these notes!
Omg thank you! This is exactly what is happening to me right now. I feel so lost
Wow this is me....
This hurt to read....thank you for defining it so clearly.
This is me. This is how iam😔
This hits hard. Makes me want to just cry, but I can’t. I’m in my 40’s but I still feel like that little girl who never felt like she was secure. Like there was no stability. When it’s just you and your mother and you come home from school, never knowing which version of your mother will be there. And, because of her alcoholism and inability to protect me, a lot of other terrible things happened. She passed away almost 10 years ago, and I’m left with all these pieces.
Thank you for doing these videos. I just recently discovered them.
I can relate. My mother was an alcoholic when I was roughly 5-8 years old. I struggle with anxiety which I think is a result of this. Also need counseling as an adult to understand what i experienced as a child
I'm reading this post 1 year after it was posted. I hope you are recovering even if it's just a little bit. It's sad how alcohol can take people earlier than they're supposed to be taken, but it's even sadder to see how the people around them have to deal with the trauma for longer when they just get to leave.
same, I feel like it's to late for me, I can't recover this who I am... closed off, toxic in my independence, don't trust anyone, perfectionist at my job! basically everything in the video she mentioned is me.
I wish people would also include gambling addictions within the same level of severity as other forms of addiction. My mother had and still does have an addiction and she was absent for most of my childhood, put alot of shame on me after losing, nearly ran us bankrupt, neglected me and my brother and simultaneously abused us. But everytime i feel like I can talk about it to someone it always gets shut down or not taken seriously. I wish people understood that even though her addiction wasn't to drugs or alcohol it still left heavy scars on me. It hurts to go through your entire life alone and get beat down for everything because a machine is more interesting to your parent than you.
Now I've never grown up with addict parents myself, thank god, but I can imagine how mentally and emotionally draining and scarring it can be to have to grow up in such a household. My heart truly goes out to anybody who has to grow up or has grown up under such a set of circumstances.
My mum is 63 and is still going on drinking binges right now. She tried to quit in January but she doesn't want to quit. She's constantly calling me now trying to get me to come back home but I'm ignoring her. She thinks that once I come home and stay with her, it'll magically be okay and she can continue drinking.
@Phoebe5448 I'm so sorry that you are experiencing watching your mom go through this and that she doesn't seem to want to change her situation. Have you suggested any rehabilitation programs that you may knownof to her?
@Jawskillaful she's been to rehab a couple of times and has been in recovery programs but as of January this year she's off the wagon again. People have tried but she's in denial. Just have to wait until she does it herself. It's really frustrating but this has been going on for a long time.
Really doubt u could
Well this put the finger on a lot of my feelings and behaviour. My father was an alcoholic, although I didn't realise that until near the end of his life and I found hidden, empty bottles everywhere. There were other factors : my mother was extremely anxious, I was an un-diagnosed autist. Frankly, addressing all this has been exhausting.
I am so sorry you grew up around that.. but I am so glad the video helped you identify why you feel the way you feel. xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you
@@Tymbus I hope this hasn’t impacted you too negatively. Much love 🫶
That 7th point "can't talk about or express emotions" can really link with your 8th point! Not just putting ourselves feels selfish, but having needs feels selfish. Substance abuse in family systems has such a complex impact on children.
Both my mom and stepfather were alcoholics, so I had to worry about both sides. He abused the crap out of her, and I had to make sure my mom was okay before I could sleep at night! So throughout middle school (7 & 8 grade), and high-school I never got more than 4 hours of sleep a night ( diagnosed with insomnia in my 30s) Lol. I was attending a technical hs on the east coast of the US, so not only did I learn the academics, I was in cosmetology. It was a bad situation, but I survived! Unfortunately the 10 signs mentioned all are a part of me still ( 56 y.o.)! Thank you for this video, listened with my 2nd husband, so he could understand why I am me! I do therapy and am working on me, but it's a long road!❤
You've just described me, from 1 to 10. I remember when I was awarded as "volunteer of the year" by an important NGO. I was really happy about it and it came as a surprise to me... and when I told my mom about it she said "so what? that's nonsense. You must only study hard and quit doing stupid things". That day I wondered myself "why should I share my feelings if that's what I get?".
I'm still working to fix those issues but I'm starting to feel happy now.
Me too. My mum once barged into my room screaming: "What do you do all day?? Nothing!! All you do is sit there, doing your stupid writing and your stupid boxing!!" I've been a kickboxer for 7 years now and I love to write creatively. I've been out of work for a while but that hurt me. Part of the reason I failed my exams was because of her drunken behaviour all my life. I was unable to study and I failed my exams and have been unable to get a decent job.
@@Phoebe5448 don't give up! I went back to university when I was 28 years old to study the thing that was my real passion: social education. Now I'm 40 and I work with kids and teens at risk and I recently became a foster parent to an amazing 14 y.o. boy.
I used to think that I couldn't achieve my goals but here I am. I still have difficulties with some things but I try my best.
11:28
"It makes the addict very unpredictable" was spot on. Not only does it make it hard to acknowledge and express emotions, but you go around with this big secret and shame.
The worst thing was, how unpredictable the outbursts were. One time I was the best daughter of the world and the next time I was a b*tch, that’s ugly and stupid. I tried to figure out the expression, if there’s the good or bad drunk, so I could prevent any confrontation.
Then my grandfather (the most important person in my life) got into the hospital after a stroke and I had to do everything. My father drove drunk to the hospital visit and was caught by the police. So I had to work ( baker so nightshift), taking care of the hospital visits and buying groceries. My mom never got a license and my sister wasn’t there to help. When my grandfather passed away I didn’t even had time to cry. After some years and several drunken statements about how bad the world is to them and I should help more, I exploded. I screamed at them, that their whole actions with their alcoholism affected me bad. I had to pretend everything is normal and how I didn’t invite anyone, because they were always drunk. I said to them, that I loved my grandfather more than them. He listened to me and my problems. But I didn’t even had time to grieve about him, because I had to take care of full grown adults.
I got a job in Switzerland a year after this and we’re about 500 km separated. Sometimes I laugh about it and say to my husband, how I can get along with every drunk person and don’t make them more angry.
Therapists aren’t a thing here, but I feel like I need one. When I see my husband drinking something, I get angry and don’t talk normally to him or avoid him.
My parents weren’t addicts, but they were both severely mentally ill. Even so every single point is exactly how my childhood was.
I am so sorry.. and yes these types of behaviors and thinking can result from emotional neglect, any other kind of abuse or toxic environment too. xoxo
Yes me too. All of these issues. My parents weren’t addicts either but my Dad was a covert narcissist.
Sharing vulnerability - normal people with normal lives in a society, where almost no one dies until they are very old or have been ill for a long time leads to...... when sharing vulnerability about something difficult... most normal people are not ready for such a conversation, not accepting, not empathic, and they do run away... They just want to have fun and not talk about the ugliness in life. There are rare normal people who can be empathic about ugly things, ... but still they usually dont get it really. My mother has very severe chronic schizofrenia.... the only person I can talk to about it really is my therapist. There is a coworker, whom I can talk to about moms problems, but she does not get how difficult it is for me, so I dont get any empathy... the empathy is only for my mom.
Understanding helps us to know why we feel or act a certain way even though we keep trying so hard to change. The more we understand what happened, the easier it becomes to move beyond it. From personal experience, I know this is true and that being set free can take time and to not give up.
Agreed!! Knowing is half the battle. xoxo
Both my parents were alcoholic. Also mentally and physically abusive. This is spot on.
This whole video explains my life! It also explains the why of the disfunctions and bad choices in my past! Thank you, Jesus, for setting me free of this generational curse! ✝️ ❤️
xoxox
Religion is also an addiction
@@sarahrobertson634 I didn't say anything about addiction. I have been toxicly independent, extremely controlling & I have picked men I thought I could "fix."
I look back at my childhood and have memories from 5 years old going to school and feeling I don't fit in and no one liked me. I felt overwelmed and hard to relax and learn. I felt nervous participating in any school activity, afraid of so many things and not getting any warmth or encouragement and just feeling alone and lost. Dad only interested in play pool or snooker at the pub and golf and the tab. No nice family moments, sibling conflict and separation. Mum work nights and dad piling us into the car at night in our nighties to go to the pub ( first memory I was 5 .After leaving school at 15 and living at home, not able to hold a job down as too overwhelmed even by the smallest thing, would wake In the morning and think I can't do this, my mind wouldn't stop overthinking, and I would call in sick and this went on well into my late 30s and so unreliable to every employer approx 60 plus jobs ranging from a month/ weeks or even 1 day.
My husband has a lot of these symptoms. His parents are actually recovered addicts, but they never healed the wounds that caused the addiction. Instead of using drugs and alcohol anymore, they became obsessed with work and productivity. Even though his parent weren't using I think he felt just as alone as he would of if they were due to toxic productivity. I wish I could tell them that their work addiction is as bad as their drug addiction and it left their kids avoidant perfectionists. That even though they surround themselves in recovery (they have their own business and multiple non profit recovery houses) they have not truly recovered. Just transferred the addiction to something more socially acceptable.
There wasn't active addiction in my family, but there was in my father's, and the echoes of that addiction and dysfunction definitely played out in my family. It can show up even if there isn't active addiction. Good luck to everybody out there living with the reverberations of addiction.
This has certainly affected me and my partner, but I’m glad I broke the cycle. My partner is 4 years sober this month, he broke the cycle too ❤
Praise!
Wonderful for you both. Congratulations and well done ❤️
Yay!! Congratulations to you both!!! xoxo
Congrats! I’m a cycle breaker too, coming up on 4 years sober and same with my husband.
Hi Kati. My younger brother was an alcoholic for years and he beat me up severely. I was traumatised by this, aming many otherthings. He is no longer an alcoholic, and we have become friends again after many years. I think he was incredibly strong to get past this and am very grateful for the healing of our relationship.
You spoke about perfectionism. That is me.
I am so sorry you went through that, but so glad you have been able to heal that relationship and he is sober now. xoxo
Wow, this summed up my entire life. My mum has been an alcoholic for at least 40 years. Longer than I've been alive. It was just mum and me. No dad. I have an aunt and uncle and cousins but we were never really close as a family. I'm an only child and I was quiet and shy. Mum was always neglectful emotionally and physically. She would mostly be passed out on the sofa and I was never taught how to cook. Two years ago, she went on a huge campaign of emotional abuse constantly. In November of that year I almost had a breakdown. Before I was able to brush it off and focus on my own interests, but she was barging into my room and screaming at me for being a horrible person, being lazy, not having a job and being abusive just like my biological father. When I asked her why once she was sober, she claimed it was because I was back in contact with my biological dad and that she was worried about me not having a job. This has never happened before or since, although she was always physically abusive too for no reason since I was young. I suppose I learnt how to withdraw from society due to this. I always just stayed at home, played video games, write creatively, and never went out at night and took drugs or drank. I've always been clean. Never had a steady job though because my mum helped to fail my exams due to her behaviour. I am also incapable of having romantic relationships because I'm asexual and don't understand love. This cleared up a lot for me. Thanks!
I'm currently lost in thought. I've experienced trauma from Dad's drunken behavior. He becomes a different person when intoxicated, making us fear him. Sometimes, he'd come home early, saying hurtful things, like the time he challenged someone, leaving me terrified and humiliated. I'd cry secretly at night, praying for guidance and change.
We've talked about quitting drinking multiple times, but he hasn't changed. This trauma affects my school life, causing anxiety and impacting my relationships. Despite this, I remain hopeful, believing it's part of life. Thankful for stumbling upon this 💕
What a great video. Thank you for putting out such amazing content.
This explains a lot. I grew up with a dad that was undiagnosed bipolar. He drank to excess some months. My mother I believe was a narcissist. It was interesting. I did blame them for a while. Then I realized I need to learn the lessons and grow from that.
I also did this to my children. I wasn't there for them a lot of times because I was diagnosed bipolar but refused to get help. I told everybody that lithium didn't work for me therefore I wasn't bipolar. What a crock of s***.
My addiction was eating. I grew up watching a lot of alcoholics and told myself I would never be like them so instead I turned to food.
Now that I medicated I'm making amends with my children and everybody in my life for all the damage I've done being unmedicated for so long. I do take full responsibility from my actions even while in episodes although I don't remember some of the things I did during those episodes. I rely on my family to tell me what I have done so I can then take responsibility for it.
Anyways thank you again for your videos they really make me reflect on my life.
I’m 46. My father has been sober for 32 years. There is hope ❤
It shocks me just how much i can relate to every single one of this...especially the toxic independency, even though i never before saw it as something toxic. It is set in stone inside of me that i have to be able to do anything on my own, that i can never ever ever relay on anybody and that the only way to survive is to be able to be completely and 100% independent and to never need anybody. I don´t know if i can ever let go of this....and the second thing...to let the addict feel the consequences of there behavior and not prevent them for them....but what if the consequences are death? I have been at this point several times with my father...i am the only one in this world that can save his life ( i know i should not be, he should be the one....yet he is not able to...) ....so if i don't act and he dies....how would i live with that? but i really really don't want to be responsible for his life anymore....
Pff same shit for me fr
I am at the point that even when death is the consequense, im ok. Then i will life maybe with some regrets?! But this is not the way of life it is fk distructing and its a circle and if you dont watch out you will end up the same or more fuckedup its your choice man
I have the same problem toxic independence it's beyond repair! The trait that shocked me was perfectionist, didn't think that was bad trait but I guess it is because you are trying to avoid complaint.
My mother is in her 70's and still an alcoholic and me being the girl I have basically taken the task to be a part of her life, since my brother left and never turned back.
I'm still helping this woman! who I literally can't figure out why she needs to drink in the first place ?? when both her kids turned out alright and she even has a good home for herself. So tf is she such a drunk ??? I can't comprehend it.
Thank you very much! My parents were both alcoholics and I can confirm all the points. It takes time to understand yourself and your experiences. But this is the beginning of the path to a life of one's own and above all: one breaks this cycle of damage in one's own environment! Thank you.
Of course!! So glad the video was helpful :) xoxo
Thank you SO much for mentioning that the goal is not to place blame, it makes it easier for me to feel less guilty when processing the truth about my late father who struggled with addiction due to his mental illness.
I am grateful that I had a loving father, he just had a drinking problem that lead to 15+ years of torture. Dann that was a terrible childhood.
I still have trouble with people pleasing, but I am so much better than I was! I feel like I have made progress in all these areas. I’ve been in therapy for 7 years. It takes a lot of hard work but you can change your life. Please believe me. ❤
You really can change your life :) xoxo
Both mom and dad were addicts off and on over the course of my childhood. Throw in parents also diagnosed one manic/depressive and other multiple personality disorder. Add a big dose of narcissism and how could I not identify with all 10 of these. I just think this is normal behavior for everyone. Thank you for being kind and illustrating how this is learned coping behaviors. I need to start the work to adjust.
Ma’am you did not need to call me out on this Tuesday morning 😂
But seriously, you hit the nail on the head with this one ❤
Lol!! Sorry!! xoxo
Holy shit. As a child I used to purposely hide away to get others to come find me and ask how I was. I sometimes isolate to get people to do the same as an adult. I always felt like a jerk for being so manipulative but now I see why...
Yea having addict parents is hard i mean seriously i wad taking care of my siblings stealing from stores so we can eat everything jus fell on me
I’ll most likely delete this later I’m abit fucked up right now but if you do see this before I delete it I jus want to say I never talk about stuff like this I’ve been through a lot of stuff like this in my past and hearing someone understand and speak about situations like this helps out a lot and I’m sure it helps out a lot of other people. A lot of blokes and chicks would rather keep shit like this too themselves but just listening to this just makes us feel like there’s people out there that genuinely understand. Thank uou
My mother wasn't into drugs or alcohol, but she's addicted to the television and of shopping. People think those can't be used as an addiction, but they sure can. And everyone that came to the house I grew up always wondered why she just sat there and watched TV. One of my gf's literally told me she rarely saw her in any other location of the house than her corner of the sofa.
Thank you. I'm in my SIXTYS and still dragging this around. Had a violent, unavailable and unstable mother, and an alcoholic father always away on construction jobs. I'm a fixer, toxically independent, avoid conflict like the plague, checking out, perfectionist, can't recognize or express emotions... I'm definitely codependent. I'm hitting all the buttons, all the defense mechanisms....I hate horror movies, romcoms, not fond of surprises...I get so tired of this stuff. But I'm working on it. I appreciate your posts.
I avoid conflicts at any cost. I don’t want to start conversations, about anything, for fear it will start a conflict. When asked a question I give the shortest answer possible, so as not to cause conflict. This has been most of my life.
This wells over into the intimate part of my life. I try not to rock the boat, so I don't initiate sex.
Sadness and loneliness most of the time.
I was raised by two ACofA. They were massively screwed up. I identified with everything you said in your video. I have spent the better half of my life in recovery because of the Alcoholics. The Alcoholics were my Grandfathers. Who both died before I came into the picture. Both men left a very toxic legacy. Sad, just sad.
Great video
Please keep talking about this subject it's affecting many people
I just found out that my father is an alcoholic. My mother is most likely either passive or enabling his behavior because she seems on edge all the time, it’s a relief to have a starting point where I can start changing and healing. thank you so much for making this video. It helped me more than you may know but thank you thank you thank you.
It was older my brother who was the alcoholic. Ripped family apart, put my mum against dad, and caused such shame behind closed doors, and caused his death. Even at his funeral, few attended due to shame. 25yrs on still impacts me. I totally tried to be perfect to make up for him, to show it wasn't my parents' fault B was an alcoholic. I definitely also relate to toxic independence from the family unit, trying to escape as soon as I could leave home, and trying manipulation to try and make him better, I'm afraid. I also parented my mum who felt responsible. Too old too quick, saw too much, no childhood. You hit so many ouch points here Katie, even rho it wasn't a parent.
Tysm xx
hugs to you.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you
as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not
be afraid.
I could not just scroll past you.
@@smiley9872 thank you 🤗
@@veramae4098 Thank you so much. May your kindness be returned 3 fold 🙏
This has really been eye opening for me as it explains a lot. I was in heavy denial about my parents’ addictions growing up. They kept it very hush hush around me and we never talked about it. Like you said, it became the elephant in the room that everyone pretended wasn’t there. My parents weren’t abusive but there was some emotional neglect going on and my mom wasn’t medicated for her mental illnesses until I was an adult. I always felt like I didn’t count as a child of addicts because we kept it so secret and we weren’t the stereotypical addict family you see in tvs and movies. I’ve now been accepting how my childhood was really like thanks to my therapist. I love my parents, but I know they’re not without their flaws and it doesn’t excuse the damage done. I will be checking out those support groups ❤ I still can’t talk about it except to my therapist, boyfriend, and best friend or online to strangers like now. I thought about coming out about the struggle to more people whenever my mom does pass away. It feels weird to air it out when one parent is still alive and can hate me for speaking out. Thank you for your support, Kati and community ❤
I sympathize with you. My parents were very religious, that was their addiction. They were very secretive and had tons of interpersonal issues that were always hidden. My mother is a raging narcissist who neglected me emotionally but controlled me and made me perform in church to make her look good to her friends. I mean literally perform, I had to learn music and perform musical numbers for service every week. Everything was for appearances. My father's abuse, drunkenness, and infidelity was never acknowledged. Everything was a secret. She rejected me as an adult for not adhering to her religion. My father was murdered when I was nine years old because he chose to become involved with a married woman and her husband shot him. He was the principal of the Christian school and the associate pastor of the church in our small community. Dirty, dirty business. I'm pretty messed up.
All things you've said is true, and also it relates with CEN or Childhood emotional neglect. Because they didn't care about our emotions.....
As a boy that's so painful, specially in Africa😕
Kati, you are so great! This video is eye opening. Not everything here describes my experience, but a lot of it does. I was the youngest and my alcoholic dad thought that I was the result of an affair, he was wrong, and I wanted it to be true once, but I'm obviously his kid. He was mean and never supportive of anything I did, so I withdrew and stayed in my room a lot. My Mom was the one who did all of the parenting. She was great.
As a side point, the elephant in the room analogy fits with mental illness too. My family has mental illness, and everyone tries to act like it's not there. The stigma is still a huge thing.
Thanks for your videos!
God Kati, it's like you were a fly on the wall of my upbringing
I'm 44 years old and grew up with an alcoholic father and just now realizing how my many personality traits are from living with an addict
There's solid statistical evidence now that a "propensity" towards being an addict can be inherited. Dad was alcoholic, so was his father, and a cousin of mine. I am VERY careful in limiting my intake of alcohol and antianxiety/opium based drugs.
Dad did AA and dried out, stayed sober, starting when I was in high school. After being drunk one night, in the morning he woke up in my older sister's bed; he was terrified. 40 years sober when he died. But, still, problems.
I'm unable to form long term relationships.
Growing up, my father was an alcoholic. He got sober when I was about 9 years old (I’m 19 now) and for my entire life I’ve never really hade many clear memories from that time. Meaning I haven’t remembered a lot of moments from my life as a whole earlier then when I was about 10 or 11. Because of this, I’ve always thought that I was lucky in a way to be so young so that I didn’t remember any of it. The last two years however, I’ve thought about the whole thing a lot more and realized that a lot of these symptoms correspond very well with myself. As I’ve thought back, I’ve also felt more emotional about the entire thing, remembered more specific events, and especially remembered the feelings that I had growing up in that environment. It seems to me like I was affected by it a lot more than I originally thought and perhaps subconsciously chose to forget some things from my childhood. Why am I writing this? Partly, because it helps myself to write down about my experience, but also partly because I want to emphasize that you don’t need to have lived your entire life or even entire childhood in an alcoholic environment to experience the effects of it. Everyone has their own story and gets affected in their own way and their own volume. I’ve always thought that just because a lot of people have had it worse than me, my feelings are somehow illegitimate. But that is simply not true. If you feel something, you feel something, and it’s important to not throw that away by comparing yourself to others ❤
I'm really glad that we can come here and tell our stories. I know it takes a lot of healing and growth for those who have experienced and witnessed trauma to talk about it. Personally, my dad was an abusive alcoholic. On his days off he would be drunk all day, but we never knew what we would get from him. Are we waking up to screaming, hitting, and hurtful words? or are we waking up to fun drunk dad? My mom and dad were separated when I was born so I lived with my dad, stepmom, and siblings. My mother was an addict who had gone too far and had done damage to her way of life. Meaning, even when she is sober, she seems like she's high on something and talks in a fast-paced tone. I would have promises for visits at my house, ending with tears of broken promises. That's when me and my stepmom created a plan for our safety and better futures. I had just turned 17 and I knew that I wanted to get out. She took my siblings and went to live with her mom, and I went to live with my grandma.
Today we are all in such better places. It was hard and took a lot of self-love, time, healing, and communication. I'll be 23 this year and am going to my social work degree. My stepmom is working on buying her own house with the kids.
This is a reminder that if you are in a bad place that it will get better. It is hard, tiring, and almost feels impossible, but sometimes it just takes lots of love to push you through. I'm so proud of those who are strong enough to fight for life. I'm proud of those who got out. I'm proud of everyone. You can do this
All of these apply to me. My father wasn’t an alcoholic but suffered terribly from depression. I developed many of these behaviors so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. To escape, I married an alcoholic when I was a teenager, and raised children with him creating another generation of people with the same issues. I was finally made aware of the consequences of the decision I made to stay with my alcoholic husband on my children.
One of the most unsightly things about addiction is the way addicts have to deny and justify their awful behavior. They can get pretty strident about it. If people only knew what the word "addiction" means. In AA alcoholics can laugh about their past behavior, but during the time is was a dark and scary ordeal. Everyone involved with an addict suffers because of it. I have been sober six years now, but I still have issues and problems I need to work on.
I'm only 1:40 in and I can already tell how enlightening and useful this video is for me.
My grandfather used to drink a lot (world War 2 ptsd I thought), and this influenced my mother (his daughter) to raise her children the complete opposite of how he did.
So, the effects of an alcoholic in the family can even leave its influence two generations down the line.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom. I now suffer from early childhood neglect, depression, anxiety & trauma bonding. I am in the process of working through these issues.
Oh! Oh! 10 out of 10! First time in my life that I was perfect at something! Seriously, I think that this was all much more confusing because mom was a functional alcoholic and I had no idea why she behaved like she did until much later in life. When my siblings and I finally confronted her, she denied it. When my daughter was young, the hospital social worker literally told to stop drinking and endangering my child or she would have to move out of my home, and she accused everyone of lying and persecuting her and she moved. Frickin' unbelievable, but best for us that she left despite financial hardship all around. Thank you for addressing this Kati.
The video I had no idea I needed to hear! Thanks Kati! Watching more ACOA videos has been eye-opening.
Wow. That was powerful. My mom was a “closet” alcoholic- as I refer to it anyway. She would typically have 3 or 4 drinks 3 or 4 times a week.
This video helps me understand what I was going through as a child.
Thank you for this.
This was my upbringing. Violent sadistic alcoholic step-dad and a mother who stood and watched and did nothing. All my failed relationships, the fixer. And now shockingly I see after watching this my relationship with my therapist. Dealing with severe child c-ptsd, bpd and I feel guilty being a bother and inconvenience to my therapist and feel she would be much better off without me wasting her time.
My mom has been drinking every day since i know myself. However, it seems that her drinking got significantly worse over the past 3 years when she divorced my dad, and struggled to pay bills and also there is no one to tell her if she can drink or not. I noticed that I don’t relate to this as much as my siblings do! It’s crazy how much it all makes sense now. Praying that my mom will get the strength she needs to overcome this. I love her so much, and this hurts as much.
I just wanted to say this video gave me so much clarity on personal quirks that I've developed over the years. Thank you so much for making this!
Do you think you'll ever make a follow up on this video on how to tackle some of these unhealthy coping mechanisms? :D
First off, I love you Kati.
I used one of your videos to admit my ed to my parents in my twenties…. which meant everything to me.
now 10 yrs later my ocd has turned to alcohol.
Its so frustrating.
Its like a mix of both battles.
7 months ago I found the courage to “leave” someones who abused me…. which is probably the cause
yet I cant let him go 100%. ive found a new comfort in alcohol (which makes me gain weight) 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ i feel like a TOTAL failure. Now, I had to move back in with my parents. Im honest with them always and they suggest I/P
but I have no primary or insurance. Any advice? Will either issue ever completely go away?!? ive come to accept my ed may be for life but this alcohol has to go!
ps: you are absolutely amazing. I may not comment on all your videos but I am always here and always praying and rooting for you.. I pray to meet you one day even if its for 10 minutes ❤😂🎉
This really makes sense alot my feelings all the time 😢 thank you for informing
Wow....9/10 is not good. Thanks for opening my eyes to my own issues, it answers a lot for me.
My father was an alcoholic, and it affected my life heavily, but I don't seem to relate to much of this video. I just was used to the alcoholism, and I was often placed between my parents, as dad would make me swear to secrecy and mom would make me tell her if he snuck alcohol into the house. Then I was told by dad it would be my fault if they split up, when I never wanted to be a part of any of it. I learned a lot of avoidance. I don't like confrontation. While some of these points are relatable, the reason wasn't because of what you gave, but for me it was because of fear. I feared my father and I avoided him because he was abusive in a few ways I won't describe. I became extremely independent because I was scared to bother my parents. I distracted a lot because I couldn't deal with the disturbing reality of seeing my dad passed out, slurring, or being weird, to put it lightly. So I definitely have some of the stuff in this video, but my reasons are different. I also almost became an alcoholic myself. Maybe my situation is different because I had depression and an anxiety disorder since I was a kid, and I'm neurodivergent (autism spectrum).
Ala~teen was the best thing that happened to me as a kid. I mean it. I made such a good friend that changed my world back then. Your videos are truly awesome. I found you when Shane Dawson had you on his channel and I've been following you ever since. Your channel deserves a lot more attention. 💙💙💙💙 It's so helpful.
Omg this is so incredibly relatable. Every point rlly hits home for me. Thank you for the insight.
I’m still living with an alcoholic parent and have for 16 years. I’ve always had to be the “parent” and now I know why I’m so bad with friendships and relationships, it’s because of my toxic independence. Since I take care of my parent all the time I feel as if I don’t need anyone else anyways so why try? This is only one of all the issues you listed that I relate to but it’s been the detrimental to me because I have no social life because of it. The affects of having no one is so terrible and I feel so alone everyday even though I don’t want to be I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.
There are a lot of other types of dysfunctional families. My dad started drinking heavily right before my parents got divorced. But even if he hadn’t, and my family was otherwise free from drugs and alcohol, we still would have been a dysfunctional family. For example, my mom always put her needs above mine. And she used to defend me when my brothers were mistreating me, but then she stopped. She also wouldn’t help me with my marriage problems even though she had expected me to help her in the past.
The worst part is that she wanted me to care that she was sick all the time, but never cared that I was getting sick. My mom and I have never used drugs and rarely used alcohol. But we still had a dysfunctional relationship.
That is reeaally right. Thanks!
It's too resonate like I see myself through. Thanks you so much
Never thought I'd be in this comment section. I both understand what kind of things can drive people to drink but also despise alcohol with my very being.
Such a great video! ❤❤❤❤Helpful for me to quantify the environment I grew up in and to share with friends and increase their understanding
Thank you so much for your great videos Kati! I used to love to watch your videos after my homework in college.
I genuinely appreciate this insight.
My dad has been a very heavy drinker ever since I was born. I have 4 siblings, and the reason why my mom married my dad was because she got pregnant after he pressured her to have sex with him. When they decided to have more kids, my mom would have to take care of the house, the paper work for the bills and taxes, planning events and vacations, driving us to school, taking care of us, and house appliances all by herself. She even had to fix a pipe in the bathroom by herself while she was pregnant with me because my dad (who was playing video games) was annoyed and refused to help out. From the start, he showed how he never really cared for anyone else but his own needs. He never cared for my mom because even when she juggled trying to take care of us when we were crying infants, he decided to cheat on her because she “didn’t spend enough time” with him. I remember sleeping in my bed with my mom because I was scared of sleeping alone when she told me that she “has to go hang out” with my dad so that he doesn’t feel lonely. Little did I know that she did that to keep him from cheating because it happened before. And yet again, he cheated. Today, we’ve caught him cheating at least 9 times. However, we are stuck with him financially, so he uses that to treat us badly, especially my mom. Recently, my dad has lost most of his money because he spent it on a real estate business with his friend. My dad also lost his job because of his alcoholic issues. We are currently living off of government money because the real estate isn’t bringing any money, and he can’t find a new job. Even though we’re basically broke, my mom reassured me that “we still have $30k in the bank, so we have some time.”
…
Today, we just found out that my dad has spent a total of $25,250 in the last 2 months on a random woman he found online.
My little brother is 14, my older sister works hard everyday at 2 jobs because she needs to save up for a car. Yet he’s spending the last bit of hope that we had left on a woman who has now left him.
What’s funny is last night (the night before I found out that we’re basically broke now) I couldn’t stop crying and praying to God to help save my dad because for the past year he has been throwing up CONSTANTLY. His eyes have also turned yellow.
Everyday, I think about my dad and how long he has, and I feel like at this point I’m just counting days until he’s gone.
I prayed to God, “I know he’s hurt my mom and the rest of us a lot, but I can’t bare to see him in hell.”
I’m sure if my dad heard my prayers for him, he still wouldn’t regret what he’s done.
I just needed to rant about this, I feel betrayed. I feel like I cared for him so much, only to be reminded that he does not feel the same, and was only using us for his convenience. I’m 17, I gave up on trying in school, I wanted to start my own business and create music, but I feel so empty and purposeless in life. I feel like there really is no way out. For my dad to do this to us, just makes it worse…
That's a lot
That is super rough. I hope things have improved since you posted this.
@@shelleyw4225 Thanks! Actually things haven't really gotten much better, we're still in a ton of debt and my dad got diagnosed with liver cancer so we don't really know how long he has left. Although I was mad (and still am) at him for not really caring about how he treated us, I still love him a lot and I'm really sad that it might end in a really bad way for him. Right now my mom is trying to divorce him so that if he does pass away, then hopefully her name will be removed from the debt and she won't have to take it. Thank you again for reaching out it means a lot!
Can you reach out to me? I can be your therapist.
@@shelleyw4225 thanks for the support I really appreciate it. The situation technically could be worse lol but it hasn't gotten much better.
We found out that he spent over $80k on this one porn star (that's fake) and like over $30k on recovery scams.
Because we don't have enough money to pay for the bills, we sold our piano, cars, and other furniture to pay for them.
However since my mom was in control of selling the stuff and she took the money, I didn't know that she put the money in her joint bank account with my dad. (btw at this time my dad was in another state and before he left we thought he stopped talking to the porn star and scammers) So he took all the money that we made from selling stuff and sent it to the porn star and scammers.
Because he took the money, my siblings and I are helping to pay all the bills (but mostly my older sister since she gave all her money to us after joining the military recently).
Also I know this sounds really stupid, but I gave my dad access to my debit card to spend money on food since he was in a different state with no EBT (food stamp) card, so he had no money for food, water, or gas.
But within a day I found out that he spent $80 on alcohol and scammers so yeah I changed my bank info immediately.
But yeah thanks for reaching out man sorry for the essay, but yeah it's pretty bad right now but I'm still glad that I have my mom and my siblings to pool money with so that we can hopefully survive this. I gotta be honest though, I think if we checked the joint bank account sooner this could've all been avoided so it's also on us for not being more aware.
I can’t wait to watch this one. My mom was an alcoholic. (She passed away over 20 yrs ago.). But I know her drinking affected me and my brothers.
I'm a 15 year old boy whos dad is dead and mum is a recurring alcoholic. I find myself being pretty independent, but i always wish i had a responsible parent who truly cares about my future. I know my mum loves me but she is just always tired and just sits on the couch all day and i just cant rlly trust her. Im typing this comment because my mum has just relapsed and i just want somewhere to kinda vent, im feeling really lonely at the moment. My mum also had a seizure couple weeks back and im really scared shes going to get rlly sick soon. I dont want both my parents gone man. Im always jealous of my friends since they have big families with of course 2 healthy parents and many cousins, auntys, uncles and just lots of connections. Which i dont have, its just me, my brother, mum and grandma but i rarely see my grandma much. sometimes i just wish i had a normal life like everyone else. My dad also only died last year from cancer and its been rlly difficult without him. probs one of the big reasons my mum is suffering.
This was so helpful and informative thank you so very much for sharing this information with us all. ❤❤❤
another topic that I would like to see discussed is the effect of addicted children on the rest of the family, in particular on the parent-child relationship and bond.
I overthink so much yes well manipulative tendencies are not so great just emotionally manipulative in general
Wow, It makes alot more sense to me now, why I am the way I am. Thank you for putting together such an insightful helpful vid.
Really needed to see this video. In therapy currently and this is so helpful ❤
I'm 22 and my father has been an alcoholic all my life. I've been a straight A student till now. I'm known as a very friendly and cheerful person by others but I've never had friends over, my father never attended PTA and I'm very depressed when I'm alone. My older brother moved out and I've had to deal with my parents alone and it has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I'm tired all the time, I can't focus on my studies, I've limited interactions with others and I'm on the verge of giving up. I couldn't go for higher studies cause of financial instability given that none of my parents have stable source of income.I tried to kms in the year my brother left and idk if that was stupid of me or I should've gone ahead with it.
Ah, childhood! What little I remember anyway. My dad would rather spend all day at the bar than be with us. From the age of 6, I rarely saw him until the day my dear mother died when I was 10 and he vanished from my life altogether. She did what she could to take care of us. I remember she had threatened to leave him and that happened but in the worst possible way. He died alone 10 years later.
Foster homes gave little emotional support either, more the opposite with emotional abuse. All I learned from that abuse was that having an opinion caused conflict so better to be invisible.
I only understand his addiction, though I see now he could have at least tried to quit for the sake of us, because I started drinking and walked that alcoholic path for a decade, although for me, isolated because I didn't want to create a family. I feared I would have to just to watch them have to go through what I did and that I might turn out to be like him.
I quit drinking when I was 30, too sick of being sick to continue. But the damage was done in those early years and what I used is negative role models that I did not want to be like to help me stay quit.
I have never had a long term relationship or seriously thought of marriage. Partly because I was sure I'd be that runaway groom if it ever got that far but also that I just felt I have no idea how the hell to even be close to anyone, add in my trust issues and that makes it a scary prospect to even consider.
I am so sorry you had to go through that Ray.. but congrats on your sobriety and thank you for being such a big part of our community :) xoxo
Thank you. This is very informative.
I can relate to so much of this..
All of this seems spot on for my childhood but my mom wasn't an addict. She was, however, a religious zealot. It's incredible the parallels between religious extremism and actual addiction.
I believe you just described my life!!! Thank you.
This sums my life up in a nutshell…. Growing up with meth addicted and alcoholic parents formed so much of my identity. Only through trauma therapy and EMDR have I been able to identify how much their addictions still impact my every day life. Thankfully my mom has gotten sober for 15 years now but the damage is done 🤷🏼♀️
thank you so much , you are helping a lot , thank you ! !
11. Deformities, birth defects or health issues that we’re not allowed to admit were caused by addiction. Leads to anger and resentment that we can’t place.
This video was very helpful for me to make sense of some of these confusing emotions I have. Maybe this would help my alcoholic Dad understand things better. Classic abused mentality, or is there hope?
Another question: how does one differentiate between someone’s use of alcohol and their abuse of alcohol? Not everyone gets “passed-out” drunk, but that doesn’t mean their demeanor can shift drastically while drinking. In my experience, alcohol tends to potentiate anger and wrath more than any other emotions. But I acknowledge that this isn’t going to be the case for everyone.
100%
my mum is a functioning alcoholic, has a good stable job, never affected her ability to maintain the house or provide food and stuff, but when she was drunk she was this horrible, angry, abusive person and it was always directed at me. It was almost like she would look for any reason to be mad at me and rant about every single one of my flaws and what she didn’t like about me.
15 drinks a week is heavy drinking.
@@Cookedandcreepysame with my dad but now he’s overly nice and it’s so uncomfortable and fake
Thank you for this video, Kati.
Glad it was helpful!
Nailed it!
I never had to deal with this. My mother was a very anxious and worried person. And I think I may get that from her. My dad was a great guy but he was not very understanding.
If you have kids and you are the sober parent, if you can, get those kids out of there. It's not worth it for kids to live through the rollercoaster of addiction and it changes the sober parent for the worse. You will be run down, irritable, overwhelmed, stressed, angry, scared and later feel like a shell of yourself. And kids need their parents healthy and sane.
Hi, thanks for sharing this. I am curious if you have ever heard of any studies of how an individual’s behavior or demeanor when intoxicated can suggest underlying mental health conditions? I’ve been asking around on this one, but no luck so far. I know it seems like a tough topic to research, but it seems like it might be worthwhile. Some individuals barely change their demeanor when intoxicated, but some change radically. Thanks for all the work you do for the MH community.
I lived a big secret - alcoholic father horror stories never told anyone, brother accidental death then mother developed bipolar much meds hospitals etc and father still drank - I have such anger toward him when I think about how he affected us and I’m a grown adult who suffered an abusive marriage 22 years then divorced and I’m a loving caring parent and want a relationship it’s been several years but don’t need the stress -I should have been in therapy never was …. Too late I think - I’m over 60 WOW you’re right on
Thank you, Kati!
Thank you❤