10 Effects of Growing Up with an Alcoholic or Addict Parent
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 มิ.ย. 2024
- Let's talk about growing up with an addict or alcoholic parent or guardian and how this affects us now. There are many effects that we can have in our life due to having an alcoholic mother or father or both parents or guardians. Addiction is something that impacts millions of people and doesn't just touch the lives of alcoholics but the people around them, including their children. This is why we have programs like Adult Children of Alcoholics (or addicts) or Alanon, also known as ACOA - in which there are programs all over the world for adult children. Did you grow up with an alcoholic mom or an addict dad or perhaps you grew up with an alcoholic grandparent. The truth is that being an adult child of an alcoholic or addict parent can still have significant effects in our lives today. We can suffer from types of trauma or relationship issues - especially affecting our relationships with everyone around us. Let's talk about the 10 ways growing up with an addict or alcoholic parent or guardian is affecting us today. I would love to know what you think. Are you an adult child of an alcoholic or addict? How is this affecting you today? How has this impacted your life? Adult children need to make sure we get the support we need. Make sure to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics videos for even more support.
I offer an Inner Child & Healthy Boundaries workshop that may be helpful for you if you're struggling with some of these: katimorton.com/the-shop
You may also find you suffer from childhood emotional neglect, here are the 7 subtle signs of childhood emotional neglect: • 7 Subtle Signs of Chil...
How to overcome childhood emotional neglect: • How to overcome Childh...
10 things toxic parents say: • 10 Things TOXIC PARENT...
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I love
1) perfectionism
-good grades
2) toxic independence
-only count on yourselves and feel you don’t need anyone
3) manipulation
-passive action so things get better, manipulating the environment
4)overly responsible
-caring for parent, taking on too much, toxic independence moving into being overly responsible
5) destructive
- counting on someone who’s not a healthy person, all of nothing thinking, poor choice of people u spend your time with
6)Can’t express emotions or talk about
-saying everything is fine
7)checking out
-forgetting a problem exists or refusal and swallowing it
8)Thinking that putting ourselves first is selfish
-other people are more important, only one giving to the relationship, fear if u put yourself first they can lash out
9)Conflict must be avoided at all cost
-stuff down feelings, being toxic independent
10) Always being the fixer
-attracted to those who are in need, keep everyone happy even if we aren’t happy in order to earn love and get support we need
Co dependent
- addicted to them and making things easier for them
Enmeshment- no clear boundaries so how they feel is how we feel
Thank you for these notes!
Omg thank you! This is exactly what is happening to me right now. I feel so lost
Wow this is me....
This hurt to read....thank you for defining it so clearly.
This is me. This is how iam😔
My dad's alcoholism has never been verbally addressed at home. I can't believe how much I relate to every single one of these. I still live with my parents at home in my 20s because of my poor mental health. This was so eye-opening and made me think differently about my home environment and my own mental health. Thank you Kati!
I am so glad it was helpful!! xoxo
Same
I felt the same in my 20’s, but I didn’t have a choice to stay home. I was scared to death! I’m glad it happened though. I eventually figured it out and became independent. I hope it works out for you!
family refuses to talk about anything. I hate it!
The exact same thing is happening with me, I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I don’t acknowledge it as well but my therapist and I are diving deep! Hope it works out for you ❤️
This hits hard. Makes me want to just cry, but I can’t. I’m in my 40’s but I still feel like that little girl who never felt like she was secure. Like there was no stability. When it’s just you and your mother and you come home from school, never knowing which version of your mother will be there. And, because of her alcoholism and inability to protect me, a lot of other terrible things happened. She passed away almost 10 years ago, and I’m left with all these pieces.
Thank you for doing these videos. I just recently discovered them.
I can relate. My mother was an alcoholic when I was roughly 5-8 years old. I struggle with anxiety which I think is a result of this. Also need counseling as an adult to understand what i experienced as a child
Bottom line is shame and embarrassment for life because our parent was an addict. I was so afraid to have other kids over to the house because my alcoholic father was always falling down drunk and yelling incoherently. I had such low self esteem, all my life, thinking his problem was because of me or my siblings. And of course we had nothing to do with it. At any rate, I never felt I was good enough for a real relationship and all of mine have been short and ended badly. I finally just gave up and quit hoping for love. I just gave my life to my job/career and avoided my family as much as possible. Now that all of us are older, we all realize we have the same problems. None of my siblings married, we have no children and no in laws, no partners, just a big fat nothing. It's not a good life.
This literally describes my life aswell 😔
Same for my siblings and I. We do have children but ran from relationships.
I wish people would also include gambling addictions within the same level of severity as other forms of addiction. My mother had and still does have an addiction and she was absent for most of my childhood, put alot of shame on me after losing, nearly ran us bankrupt, neglected me and my brother and simultaneously abused us. But everytime i feel like I can talk about it to someone it always gets shut down or not taken seriously. I wish people understood that even though her addiction wasn't to drugs or alcohol it still left heavy scars on me. It hurts to go through your entire life alone and get beat down for everything because a machine is more interesting to your parent than you.
I look back at my childhood and have memories from 5 years old going to school and feeling I don't fit in and no one liked me. I felt overwelmed and hard to relax and learn. I felt nervous participating in any school activity, afraid of so many things and not getting any warmth or encouragement and just feeling alone and lost. Dad only interested in play pool or snooker at the pub and golf and the tab. No nice family moments, sibling conflict and separation. Mum work nights and dad piling us into the car at night in our nighties to go to the pub ( first memory I was 5 .After leaving school at 15 and living at home, not able to hold a job down as too overwhelmed even by the smallest thing, would wake In the morning and think I can't do this, my mind wouldn't stop overthinking, and I would call in sick and this went on well into my late 30s and so unreliable to every employer approx 60 plus jobs ranging from a month/ weeks or even 1 day.
My parents weren’t addicts, but they were both severely mentally ill. Even so every single point is exactly how my childhood was.
I am so sorry.. and yes these types of behaviors and thinking can result from emotional neglect, any other kind of abuse or toxic environment too. xoxo
Yes me too. All of these issues. My parents weren’t addicts either but my Dad was a covert narcissist.
Sharing vulnerability - normal people with normal lives in a society, where almost no one dies until they are very old or have been ill for a long time leads to...... when sharing vulnerability about something difficult... most normal people are not ready for such a conversation, not accepting, not empathic, and they do run away... They just want to have fun and not talk about the ugliness in life. There are rare normal people who can be empathic about ugly things, ... but still they usually dont get it really. My mother has very severe chronic schizofrenia.... the only person I can talk to about it really is my therapist. There is a coworker, whom I can talk to about moms problems, but she does not get how difficult it is for me, so I dont get any empathy... the empathy is only for my mom.
That 7th point "can't talk about or express emotions" can really link with your 8th point! Not just putting ourselves feels selfish, but having needs feels selfish. Substance abuse in family systems has such a complex impact on children.
Well this put the finger on a lot of my feelings and behaviour. My father was an alcoholic, although I didn't realise that until near the end of his life and I found hidden, empty bottles everywhere. There were other factors : my mother was extremely anxious, I was an un-diagnosed autist. Frankly, addressing all this has been exhausting.
I am so sorry you grew up around that.. but I am so glad the video helped you identify why you feel the way you feel. xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you
@@Tymbus I hope this hasn’t impacted you too negatively. Much love 🫶
Now I've never grown up with addict parents myself, thank god, but I can imagine how mentally and emotionally draining and scarring it can be to have to grow up in such a household. My heart truly goes out to anybody who has to grow up or has grown up under such a set of circumstances.
My mum is 63 and is still going on drinking binges right now. She tried to quit in January but she doesn't want to quit. She's constantly calling me now trying to get me to come back home but I'm ignoring her. She thinks that once I come home and stay with her, it'll magically be okay and she can continue drinking.
@Phoebe5448 I'm so sorry that you are experiencing watching your mom go through this and that she doesn't seem to want to change her situation. Have you suggested any rehabilitation programs that you may knownof to her?
@Jawskillaful she's been to rehab a couple of times and has been in recovery programs but as of January this year she's off the wagon again. People have tried but she's in denial. Just have to wait until she does it herself. It's really frustrating but this has been going on for a long time.
Really doubt u could
This whole video explains my life! It also explains the why of the disfunctions and bad choices in my past! Thank you, Jesus, for setting me free of this generational curse! ✝️ ❤️
xoxox
Religion is also an addiction
@@sarahrobertson634 I didn't say anything about addiction. I have been toxicly independent, extremely controlling & I have picked men I thought I could "fix."
Understanding helps us to know why we feel or act a certain way even though we keep trying so hard to change. The more we understand what happened, the easier it becomes to move beyond it. From personal experience, I know this is true and that being set free can take time and to not give up.
Agreed!! Knowing is half the battle. xoxo
You've just described me, from 1 to 10. I remember when I was awarded as "volunteer of the year" by an important NGO. I was really happy about it and it came as a surprise to me... and when I told my mom about it she said "so what? that's nonsense. You must only study hard and quit doing stupid things". That day I wondered myself "why should I share my feelings if that's what I get?".
I'm still working to fix those issues but I'm starting to feel happy now.
Me too. My mum once barged into my room screaming: "What do you do all day?? Nothing!! All you do is sit there, doing your stupid writing and your stupid boxing!!" I've been a kickboxer for 7 years now and I love to write creatively. I've been out of work for a while but that hurt me. Part of the reason I failed my exams was because of her drunken behaviour all my life. I was unable to study and I failed my exams and have been unable to get a decent job.
@@Phoebe5448 don't give up! I went back to university when I was 28 years old to study the thing that was my real passion: social education. Now I'm 40 and I work with kids and teens at risk and I recently became a foster parent to an amazing 14 y.o. boy.
I used to think that I couldn't achieve my goals but here I am. I still have difficulties with some things but I try my best.
My husband has a lot of these symptoms. His parents are actually recovered addicts, but they never healed the wounds that caused the addiction. Instead of using drugs and alcohol anymore, they became obsessed with work and productivity. Even though his parent weren't using I think he felt just as alone as he would of if they were due to toxic productivity. I wish I could tell them that their work addiction is as bad as their drug addiction and it left their kids avoidant perfectionists. That even though they surround themselves in recovery (they have their own business and multiple non profit recovery houses) they have not truly recovered. Just transferred the addiction to something more socially acceptable.
Both my mom and stepfather were alcoholics, so I had to worry about both sides. He abused the crap out of her, and I had to make sure my mom was okay before I could sleep at night! So throughout middle school (7 & 8 grade), and high-school I never got more than 4 hours of sleep a night ( diagnosed with insomnia in my 30s) Lol. I was attending a technical hs on the east coast of the US, so not only did I learn the academics, I was in cosmetology. It was a bad situation, but I survived! Unfortunately the 10 signs mentioned all are a part of me still ( 56 y.o.)! Thank you for this video, listened with my 2nd husband, so he could understand why I am me! I do therapy and am working on me, but it's a long road!❤
This has certainly affected me and my partner, but I’m glad I broke the cycle. My partner is 4 years sober this month, he broke the cycle too ❤
Praise!
Wonderful for you both. Congratulations and well done ❤️
Yay!! Congratulations to you both!!! xoxo
Congrats! I’m a cycle breaker too, coming up on 4 years sober and same with my husband.
I’ll most likely delete this later I’m abit fucked up right now but if you do see this before I delete it I jus want to say I never talk about stuff like this I’ve been through a lot of stuff like this in my past and hearing someone understand and speak about situations like this helps out a lot and I’m sure it helps out a lot of other people. A lot of blokes and chicks would rather keep shit like this too themselves but just listening to this just makes us feel like there’s people out there that genuinely understand. Thank uou
It shocks me just how much i can relate to every single one of this...especially the toxic independency, even though i never before saw it as something toxic. It is set in stone inside of me that i have to be able to do anything on my own, that i can never ever ever relay on anybody and that the only way to survive is to be able to be completely and 100% independent and to never need anybody. I don´t know if i can ever let go of this....and the second thing...to let the addict feel the consequences of there behavior and not prevent them for them....but what if the consequences are death? I have been at this point several times with my father...i am the only one in this world that can save his life ( i know i should not be, he should be the one....yet he is not able to...) ....so if i don't act and he dies....how would i live with that? but i really really don't want to be responsible for his life anymore....
Pff same shit for me fr
I am at the point that even when death is the consequense, im ok. Then i will life maybe with some regrets?! But this is not the way of life it is fk distructing and its a circle and if you dont watch out you will end up the same or more fuckedup its your choice man
There wasn't active addiction in my family, but there was in my father's, and the echoes of that addiction and dysfunction definitely played out in my family. It can show up even if there isn't active addiction. Good luck to everybody out there living with the reverberations of addiction.
Wow, this summed up my entire life. My mum has been an alcoholic for at least 40 years. Longer than I've been alive. It was just mum and me. No dad. I have an aunt and uncle and cousins but we were never really close as a family. I'm an only child and I was quiet and shy. Mum was always neglectful emotionally and physically. She would mostly be passed out on the sofa and I was never taught how to cook. Two years ago, she went on a huge campaign of emotional abuse constantly. In November of that year I almost had a breakdown. Before I was able to brush it off and focus on my own interests, but she was barging into my room and screaming at me for being a horrible person, being lazy, not having a job and being abusive just like my biological father. When I asked her why once she was sober, she claimed it was because I was back in contact with my biological dad and that she was worried about me not having a job. This has never happened before or since, although she was always physically abusive too for no reason since I was young. I suppose I learnt how to withdraw from society due to this. I always just stayed at home, played video games, write creatively, and never went out at night and took drugs or drank. I've always been clean. Never had a steady job though because my mum helped to fail my exams due to her behaviour. I am also incapable of having romantic relationships because I'm asexual and don't understand love. This cleared up a lot for me. Thanks!
I'm 44 years old and grew up with an alcoholic father and just now realizing how my many personality traits are from living with an addict
Hi Kati. My younger brother was an alcoholic for years and he beat me up severely. I was traumatised by this, aming many otherthings. He is no longer an alcoholic, and we have become friends again after many years. I think he was incredibly strong to get past this and am very grateful for the healing of our relationship.
You spoke about perfectionism. That is me.
I am so sorry you went through that, but so glad you have been able to heal that relationship and he is sober now. xoxo
11:28
"It makes the addict very unpredictable" was spot on. Not only does it make it hard to acknowledge and express emotions, but you go around with this big secret and shame.
I still have trouble with people pleasing, but I am so much better than I was! I feel like I have made progress in all these areas. I’ve been in therapy for 7 years. It takes a lot of hard work but you can change your life. Please believe me. ❤
You really can change your life :) xoxo
One of the most unsightly things about addiction is the way addicts have to deny and justify their awful behavior. They can get pretty strident about it. If people only knew what the word "addiction" means. In AA alcoholics can laugh about their past behavior, but during the time is was a dark and scary ordeal. Everyone involved with an addict suffers because of it. I have been sober six years now, but I still have issues and problems I need to work on.
God Kati, it's like you were a fly on the wall of my upbringing
What a great video. Thank you for putting out such amazing content.
This explains a lot. I grew up with a dad that was undiagnosed bipolar. He drank to excess some months. My mother I believe was a narcissist. It was interesting. I did blame them for a while. Then I realized I need to learn the lessons and grow from that.
I also did this to my children. I wasn't there for them a lot of times because I was diagnosed bipolar but refused to get help. I told everybody that lithium didn't work for me therefore I wasn't bipolar. What a crock of s***.
My addiction was eating. I grew up watching a lot of alcoholics and told myself I would never be like them so instead I turned to food.
Now that I medicated I'm making amends with my children and everybody in my life for all the damage I've done being unmedicated for so long. I do take full responsibility from my actions even while in episodes although I don't remember some of the things I did during those episodes. I rely on my family to tell me what I have done so I can then take responsibility for it.
Anyways thank you again for your videos they really make me reflect on my life.
Ma’am you did not need to call me out on this Tuesday morning 😂
But seriously, you hit the nail on the head with this one ❤
Lol!! Sorry!! xoxo
Thank you very much! My parents were both alcoholics and I can confirm all the points. It takes time to understand yourself and your experiences. But this is the beginning of the path to a life of one's own and above all: one breaks this cycle of damage in one's own environment! Thank you.
Of course!! So glad the video was helpful :) xoxo
The video I had no idea I needed to hear! Thanks Kati! Watching more ACOA videos has been eye-opening.
Thank you SO much for mentioning that the goal is not to place blame, it makes it easier for me to feel less guilty when processing the truth about my late father who struggled with addiction due to his mental illness.
I avoid conflicts at any cost. I don’t want to start conversations, about anything, for fear it will start a conflict. When asked a question I give the shortest answer possible, so as not to cause conflict. This has been most of my life.
This wells over into the intimate part of my life. I try not to rock the boat, so I don't initiate sex.
Sadness and loneliness most of the time.
Great video
Please keep talking about this subject it's affecting many people
My dad has been a very heavy drinker ever since I was born. I have 4 siblings, and the reason why my mom married my dad was because she got pregnant after he pressured her to have sex with him. When they decided to have more kids, my mom would have to take care of the house, the paper work for the bills and taxes, planning events and vacations, driving us to school, taking care of us, and house appliances all by herself. She even had to fix a pipe in the bathroom by herself while she was pregnant with me because my dad (who was playing video games) was annoyed and refused to help out. From the start, he showed how he never really cared for anyone else but his own needs. He never cared for my mom because even when she juggled trying to take care of us when we were crying infants, he decided to cheat on her because she “didn’t spend enough time” with him. I remember sleeping in my bed with my mom because I was scared of sleeping alone when she told me that she “has to go hang out” with my dad so that he doesn’t feel lonely. Little did I know that she did that to keep him from cheating because it happened before. And yet again, he cheated. Today, we’ve caught him cheating at least 9 times. However, we are stuck with him financially, so he uses that to treat us badly, especially my mom. Recently, my dad has lost most of his money because he spent it on a real estate business with his friend. My dad also lost his job because of his alcoholic issues. We are currently living off of government money because the real estate isn’t bringing any money, and he can’t find a new job. Even though we’re basically broke, my mom reassured me that “we still have $30k in the bank, so we have some time.”
…
Today, we just found out that my dad has spent a total of $25,250 in the last 2 months on a random woman he found online.
My little brother is 14, my older sister works hard everyday at 2 jobs because she needs to save up for a car. Yet he’s spending the last bit of hope that we had left on a woman who has now left him.
What’s funny is last night (the night before I found out that we’re basically broke now) I couldn’t stop crying and praying to God to help save my dad because for the past year he has been throwing up CONSTANTLY. His eyes have also turned yellow.
Everyday, I think about my dad and how long he has, and I feel like at this point I’m just counting days until he’s gone.
I prayed to God, “I know he’s hurt my mom and the rest of us a lot, but I can’t bare to see him in hell.”
I’m sure if my dad heard my prayers for him, he still wouldn’t regret what he’s done.
I just needed to rant about this, I feel betrayed. I feel like I cared for him so much, only to be reminded that he does not feel the same, and was only using us for his convenience. I’m 17, I gave up on trying in school, I wanted to start my own business and create music, but I feel so empty and purposeless in life. I feel like there really is no way out. For my dad to do this to us, just makes it worse…
That's a lot
That is super rough. I hope things have improved since you posted this.
@@shelleyw4225 Thanks! Actually things haven't really gotten much better, we're still in a ton of debt and my dad got diagnosed with liver cancer so we don't really know how long he has left. Although I was mad (and still am) at him for not really caring about how he treated us, I still love him a lot and I'm really sad that it might end in a really bad way for him. Right now my mom is trying to divorce him so that if he does pass away, then hopefully her name will be removed from the debt and she won't have to take it. Thank you again for reaching out it means a lot!
Kati, you are so great! This video is eye opening. Not everything here describes my experience, but a lot of it does. I was the youngest and my alcoholic dad thought that I was the result of an affair, he was wrong, and I wanted it to be true once, but I'm obviously his kid. He was mean and never supportive of anything I did, so I withdrew and stayed in my room a lot. My Mom was the one who did all of the parenting. She was great.
As a side point, the elephant in the room analogy fits with mental illness too. My family has mental illness, and everyone tries to act like it's not there. The stigma is still a huge thing.
Thanks for your videos!
Omg this is so incredibly relatable. Every point rlly hits home for me. Thank you for the insight.
There are a lot of other types of dysfunctional families. My dad started drinking heavily right before my parents got divorced. But even if he hadn’t, and my family was otherwise free from drugs and alcohol, we still would have been a dysfunctional family. For example, my mom always put her needs above mine. And she used to defend me when my brothers were mistreating me, but then she stopped. She also wouldn’t help me with my marriage problems even though she had expected me to help her in the past.
The worst part is that she wanted me to care that she was sick all the time, but never cared that I was getting sick. My mom and I have never used drugs and rarely used alcohol. But we still had a dysfunctional relationship.
Both mom and dad were addicts off and on over the course of my childhood. Throw in parents also diagnosed one manic/depressive and other multiple personality disorder. Add a big dose of narcissism and how could I not identify with all 10 of these. I just think this is normal behavior for everyone. Thank you for being kind and illustrating how this is learned coping behaviors. I need to start the work to adjust.
I genuinely appreciate this insight.
Really needed to see this video. In therapy currently and this is so helpful ❤
Thank you so much for your great videos Kati! I used to love to watch your videos after my homework in college.
Wow, It makes alot more sense to me now, why I am the way I am. Thank you for putting together such an insightful helpful vid.
Oh! Oh! 10 out of 10! First time in my life that I was perfect at something! Seriously, I think that this was all much more confusing because mom was a functional alcoholic and I had no idea why she behaved like she did until much later in life. When my siblings and I finally confronted her, she denied it. When my daughter was young, the hospital social worker literally told to stop drinking and endangering my child or she would have to move out of my home, and she accused everyone of lying and persecuting her and she moved. Frickin' unbelievable, but best for us that she left despite financial hardship all around. Thank you for addressing this Kati.
I just wanted to say this video gave me so much clarity on personal quirks that I've developed over the years. Thank you so much for making this!
Do you think you'll ever make a follow up on this video on how to tackle some of these unhealthy coping mechanisms? :D
There's solid statistical evidence now that a "propensity" towards being an addict can be inherited. Dad was alcoholic, so was his father, and a cousin of mine. I am VERY careful in limiting my intake of alcohol and antianxiety/opium based drugs.
Dad did AA and dried out, stayed sober, starting when I was in high school. After being drunk one night, in the morning he woke up in my older sister's bed; he was terrified. 40 years sober when he died. But, still, problems.
I'm unable to form long term relationships.
I was raised by two ACofA. They were massively screwed up. I identified with everything you said in your video. I have spent the better half of my life in recovery because of the Alcoholics. The Alcoholics were my Grandfathers. Who both died before I came into the picture. Both men left a very toxic legacy. Sad, just sad.
It was older my brother who was the alcoholic. Ripped family apart, put my mum against dad, and caused such shame behind closed doors, and caused his death. Even at his funeral, few attended due to shame. 25yrs on still impacts me. I totally tried to be perfect to make up for him, to show it wasn't my parents' fault B was an alcoholic. I definitely also relate to toxic independence from the family unit, trying to escape as soon as I could leave home, and trying manipulation to try and make him better, I'm afraid. I also parented my mum who felt responsible. Too old too quick, saw too much, no childhood. You hit so many ouch points here Katie, even rho it wasn't a parent.
Tysm xx
hugs to you.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you
as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not
be afraid.
I could not just scroll past you.
@@smiley9872 thank you 🤗
@@veramae4098 Thank you so much. May your kindness be returned 3 fold 🙏
Thank you. This is very informative.
I just found your channel and this perfectly describes me growing up with an addict dad numerous times of saving him before he eventually overdosed every point you make in this video describes my personality
Wow. That was powerful. My mom was a “closet” alcoholic- as I refer to it anyway. She would typically have 3 or 4 drinks 3 or 4 times a week.
This video helps me understand what I was going through as a child.
Thank you for this.
My mother wasn't into drugs or alcohol, but she's addicted to the television and of shopping. People think those can't be used as an addiction, but they sure can. And everyone that came to the house I grew up always wondered why she just sat there and watched TV. One of my gf's literally told me she rarely saw her in any other location of the house than her corner of the sofa.
I'm only 1:40 in and I can already tell how enlightening and useful this video is for me.
My grandfather used to drink a lot (world War 2 ptsd I thought), and this influenced my mother (his daughter) to raise her children the complete opposite of how he did.
So, the effects of an alcoholic in the family can even leave its influence two generations down the line.
This was so helpful and informative thank you so very much for sharing this information with us all. ❤❤❤
Such a great video! ❤❤❤❤Helpful for me to quantify the environment I grew up in and to share with friends and increase their understanding
I'm really glad that we can come here and tell our stories. I know it takes a lot of healing and growth for those who have experienced and witnessed trauma to talk about it. Personally, my dad was an abusive alcoholic. On his days off he would be drunk all day, but we never knew what we would get from him. Are we waking up to screaming, hitting, and hurtful words? or are we waking up to fun drunk dad? My mom and dad were separated when I was born so I lived with my dad, stepmom, and siblings. My mother was an addict who had gone too far and had done damage to her way of life. Meaning, even when she is sober, she seems like she's high on something and talks in a fast-paced tone. I would have promises for visits at my house, ending with tears of broken promises. That's when me and my stepmom created a plan for our safety and better futures. I had just turned 17 and I knew that I wanted to get out. She took my siblings and went to live with her mom, and I went to live with my grandma.
Today we are all in such better places. It was hard and took a lot of self-love, time, healing, and communication. I'll be 23 this year and am going to my social work degree. My stepmom is working on buying her own house with the kids.
This is a reminder that if you are in a bad place that it will get better. It is hard, tiring, and almost feels impossible, but sometimes it just takes lots of love to push you through. I'm so proud of those who are strong enough to fight for life. I'm proud of those who got out. I'm proud of everyone. You can do this
Thank you for this video, Kati.
Glad it was helpful!
This was my upbringing. Violent sadistic alcoholic step-dad and a mother who stood and watched and did nothing. All my failed relationships, the fixer. And now shockingly I see after watching this my relationship with my therapist. Dealing with severe child c-ptsd, bpd and I feel guilty being a bother and inconvenience to my therapist and feel she would be much better off without me wasting her time.
I believe you just described my life!!! Thank you.
Nailed it!
Thank you so much for this info, I'm currently coming to terms with my dad's alcoholism and how it affected me. I realized I blamed and hated my mom for a lot of things I actually was upset with my dad over. Not that my mom didn't do bad things too, but it was easier to be upset with her because my dad was not around as much. I would love to hear what you have to say about attachment styles.
I'm a 15 year old boy whos dad is dead and mum is a recurring alcoholic. I find myself being pretty independent, but i always wish i had a responsible parent who truly cares about my future. I know my mum loves me but she is just always tired and just sits on the couch all day and i just cant rlly trust her. Im typing this comment because my mum has just relapsed and i just want somewhere to kinda vent, im feeling really lonely at the moment. My mum also had a seizure couple weeks back and im really scared shes going to get rlly sick soon. I dont want both my parents gone man. Im always jealous of my friends since they have big families with of course 2 healthy parents and many cousins, auntys, uncles and just lots of connections. Which i dont have, its just me, my brother, mum and grandma but i rarely see my grandma much. sometimes i just wish i had a normal life like everyone else. My dad also only died last year from cancer and its been rlly difficult without him. probs one of the big reasons my mum is suffering.
thank you so much , you are helping a lot , thank you ! !
It's too resonate like I see myself through. Thanks you so much
Ala~teen was the best thing that happened to me as a kid. I mean it. I made such a good friend that changed my world back then. Your videos are truly awesome. I found you when Shane Dawson had you on his channel and I've been following you ever since. Your channel deserves a lot more attention. 💙💙💙💙 It's so helpful.
I just found out that my father is an alcoholic. My mother is most likely either passive or enabling his behavior because she seems on edge all the time, it’s a relief to have a starting point where I can start changing and healing. thank you so much for making this video. It helped me more than you may know but thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you, Kati!
Growing up, my father was an alcoholic. He got sober when I was about 9 years old (I’m 19 now) and for my entire life I’ve never really hade many clear memories from that time. Meaning I haven’t remembered a lot of moments from my life as a whole earlier then when I was about 10 or 11. Because of this, I’ve always thought that I was lucky in a way to be so young so that I didn’t remember any of it. The last two years however, I’ve thought about the whole thing a lot more and realized that a lot of these symptoms correspond very well with myself. As I’ve thought back, I’ve also felt more emotional about the entire thing, remembered more specific events, and especially remembered the feelings that I had growing up in that environment. It seems to me like I was affected by it a lot more than I originally thought and perhaps subconsciously chose to forget some things from my childhood. Why am I writing this? Partly, because it helps myself to write down about my experience, but also partly because I want to emphasize that you don’t need to have lived your entire life or even entire childhood in an alcoholic environment to experience the effects of it. Everyone has their own story and gets affected in their own way and their own volume. I’ve always thought that just because a lot of people have had it worse than me, my feelings are somehow illegitimate. But that is simply not true. If you feel something, you feel something, and it’s important to not throw that away by comparing yourself to others ❤
First off, I love you Kati.
I used one of your videos to admit my ed to my parents in my twenties…. which meant everything to me.
now 10 yrs later my ocd has turned to alcohol.
Its so frustrating.
Its like a mix of both battles.
7 months ago I found the courage to “leave” someones who abused me…. which is probably the cause
yet I cant let him go 100%. ive found a new comfort in alcohol (which makes me gain weight) 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ i feel like a TOTAL failure. Now, I had to move back in with my parents. Im honest with them always and they suggest I/P
but I have no primary or insurance. Any advice? Will either issue ever completely go away?!? ive come to accept my ed may be for life but this alcohol has to go!
ps: you are absolutely amazing. I may not comment on all your videos but I am always here and always praying and rooting for you.. I pray to meet you one day even if its for 10 minutes ❤😂🎉
thanks for sharing this, love you kati
This explains so much about me.
All of these apply to me. My father wasn’t an alcoholic but suffered terribly from depression. I developed many of these behaviors so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. To escape, I married an alcoholic when I was a teenager, and raised children with him creating another generation of people with the same issues. I was finally made aware of the consequences of the decision I made to stay with my alcoholic husband on my children.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom. I now suffer from early childhood neglect, depression, anxiety & trauma bonding. I am in the process of working through these issues.
All of this seems spot on for my childhood but my mom wasn't an addict. She was, however, a religious zealot. It's incredible the parallels between religious extremism and actual addiction.
I’m still living with an alcoholic parent and have for 16 years. I’ve always had to be the “parent” and now I know why I’m so bad with friendships and relationships, it’s because of my toxic independence. Since I take care of my parent all the time I feel as if I don’t need anyone else anyways so why try? This is only one of all the issues you listed that I relate to but it’s been the detrimental to me because I have no social life because of it. The affects of having no one is so terrible and I feel so alone everyday even though I don’t want to be I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.
Wow....9/10 is not good. Thanks for opening my eyes to my own issues, it answers a lot for me.
I can relate to so much of this..
My mom has been drinking every day since i know myself. However, it seems that her drinking got significantly worse over the past 3 years when she divorced my dad, and struggled to pay bills and also there is no one to tell her if she can drink or not. I noticed that I don’t relate to this as much as my siblings do! It’s crazy how much it all makes sense now. Praying that my mom will get the strength she needs to overcome this. I love her so much, and this hurts as much.
Thank you❤
another topic that I would like to see discussed is the effect of addicted children on the rest of the family, in particular on the parent-child relationship and bond.
Hi, thanks for sharing this. I am curious if you have ever heard of any studies of how an individual’s behavior or demeanor when intoxicated can suggest underlying mental health conditions? I’ve been asking around on this one, but no luck so far. I know it seems like a tough topic to research, but it seems like it might be worthwhile. Some individuals barely change their demeanor when intoxicated, but some change radically. Thanks for all the work you do for the MH community.
I lived a big secret - alcoholic father horror stories never told anyone, brother accidental death then mother developed bipolar much meds hospitals etc and father still drank - I have such anger toward him when I think about how he affected us and I’m a grown adult who suffered an abusive marriage 22 years then divorced and I’m a loving caring parent and want a relationship it’s been several years but don’t need the stress -I should have been in therapy never was …. Too late I think - I’m over 60 WOW you’re right on
My father was an alcoholic, and it affected my life heavily, but I don't seem to relate to much of this video. I just was used to the alcoholism, and I was often placed between my parents, as dad would make me swear to secrecy and mom would make me tell her if he snuck alcohol into the house. Then I was told by dad it would be my fault if they split up, when I never wanted to be a part of any of it. I learned a lot of avoidance. I don't like confrontation. While some of these points are relatable, the reason wasn't because of what you gave, but for me it was because of fear. I feared my father and I avoided him because he was abusive in a few ways I won't describe. I became extremely independent because I was scared to bother my parents. I distracted a lot because I couldn't deal with the disturbing reality of seeing my dad passed out, slurring, or being weird, to put it lightly. So I definitely have some of the stuff in this video, but my reasons are different. I also almost became an alcoholic myself. Maybe my situation is different because I had depression and an anxiety disorder since I was a kid, and I'm neurodivergent (autism spectrum).
This sums my life up in a nutshell…. Growing up with meth addicted and alcoholic parents formed so much of my identity. Only through trauma therapy and EMDR have I been able to identify how much their addictions still impact my every day life. Thankfully my mom has gotten sober for 15 years now but the damage is done 🤷🏼♀️
Ah, childhood! What little I remember anyway. My dad would rather spend all day at the bar than be with us. From the age of 6, I rarely saw him until the day my dear mother died when I was 10 and he vanished from my life altogether. She did what she could to take care of us. I remember she had threatened to leave him and that happened but in the worst possible way. He died alone 10 years later.
Foster homes gave little emotional support either, more the opposite with emotional abuse. All I learned from that abuse was that having an opinion caused conflict so better to be invisible.
I only understand his addiction, though I see now he could have at least tried to quit for the sake of us, because I started drinking and walked that alcoholic path for a decade, although for me, isolated because I didn't want to create a family. I feared I would have to just to watch them have to go through what I did and that I might turn out to be like him.
I quit drinking when I was 30, too sick of being sick to continue. But the damage was done in those early years and what I used is negative role models that I did not want to be like to help me stay quit.
I have never had a long term relationship or seriously thought of marriage. Partly because I was sure I'd be that runaway groom if it ever got that far but also that I just felt I have no idea how the hell to even be close to anyone, add in my trust issues and that makes it a scary prospect to even consider.
I am so sorry you had to go through that Ray.. but congrats on your sobriety and thank you for being such a big part of our community :) xoxo
I am grateful that I had a loving father, he just had a drinking problem that lead to 15+ years of torture. Dann that was a terrible childhood.
Hi Kati! It's so crazy how you managed to upload exactly what my thoughts have been going back to this topic haha
I'm wondering though for a future video or honestly I could also ask this as a question for your podcast, what could be the effects of functional alcoholism/addiction in parents? The first time I realized my parent might have a problem was when se were discussing with friends as teens how often our parents drink and I just blurted out everyday not thinking I'll get an odd reaction from it. My had has always taken care of our needs and we get along really well, but this cant be all, right? Could it be possible to have an addict parent and just grow up normally?
This video was very helpful for me to make sense of some of these confusing emotions I have. Maybe this would help my alcoholic Dad understand things better. Classic abused mentality, or is there hope?
Yeah I felt this way in my childhood a lot of the times
Thanks
I realise I was a helper but for my non addicted mum
My dad was the abusing and abusive parent and my mum the only safe one
I think I’m codependent (to?/with?) my mum and I don’t know how to not be that 😢
I never had to deal with this. My mother was a very anxious and worried person. And I think I may get that from her. My dad was a great guy but he was not very understanding.
Alcoholic parents are not just alcoholics, they can be destructive in other ways and I believe every child affected by it has wide possibilities of response. It is good to keep that in mind.
This is so me.
11. Deformities, birth defects or health issues that we’re not allowed to admit were caused by addiction. Leads to anger and resentment that we can’t place.
Hey! I love your videos ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.
But, I was wondering if this video would be applicable to someone from a NPD and emotionally abusive household?
Can you do one on TF-CBT? My therapist suggested it to me and I looked on your channel and had nothing. I'm wondering what it is before I start it so I know exactly what I'm getting into
Alcohol is for the dying,
and wine for those in bitter distress.
Let them drink to forget their poverty
and remember their troubles no more.
~Proverbs 31:6-7
I find the manipulation aspect rather interesting. I haven't seen it that way; cleaning the environment in order to get noticed, or ignoring the problem with the same goal in mind are forms of manipulation. Interesting.
I grew up in a household yeah I was just conditioned for such a very long time repressed emotions have been there for so long
I overthink so much yes well manipulative tendencies are not so great just emotionally manipulative in general