Just left a recovering alcoholic after 3 years. Even tho he was recovering I hated how negative he was all the time. He relapsed every 6 months or so. Alcoholics have deeper issues than just alcohol. They don't enjoy life period. He wouldn't do anything that makes me happy and he was only focused on recovering from alcohol. Alcoholics are just too preoccupied with addiction issues to be in a relationship and to make someone else happy. Leave and find someone with a positive outlook. It took me 3 years to see that. I have my own place now and never would go back. Thank you for the video! Very accurate! Life is good again LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. Even if he stops drinking that mechanism of "feeling like crap all the time so that they have to self harm and numb" stays forever. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!
All true, but alcohol is among the more visible addictions. Most people are addicted to something; it might be food, sex, gambling, toxic behavior, nicotine, caffeine, and so many other things that are not so visible or frowned upon.
@@P51D-Mustang I was here too like two years ago. I am specifically talking about alcoholism. I pray that you leave this denial and start focusing on yourself and leave your situation with an alcoholic. Al-anon meanings are helpful. I recommend it.
@Lemthepoetofficial I did and I have. My ex is a clinical psychologist and she easily drank a bottle of wine every night and some. I've struggled with my own alcohol issues but since giving up, it was not conducive to my sobriety journey to stay in the relationship, so breaking up and moving on and going no contact was the only option. That was and is a painful sacrifice. But it woke her up and she has since stopped drinking, I pray for her everyday!
Going out to dinner and not eating/ordering food but happy to drink. I did that for years and never understood why people would be miffed with me. 13 months sober here.
I am now 5 months broken up from a 2 year relationship with an alcoholic. Listen to what this lady is saying -- she hit all the pointers right on the head. You may experience just few of the signs she talked about or most of them but they will definitely reveal themselves over time. The first two or three were particularly startling for me because my ex partner was so anxious for me to be his girlfriend and then move in together shortly thereafter. At the time, I didn't really interpret this as a red flag because he was super sweet and attentive so I chalked it up to him having an anxious- insecure attachment style. A couple months later I started to suspect something was a little off when he was hanging around at the local bar on a regular basis and coming home with a case of beer almost nightly. Even though his previous relationship ended due to problems surrounding alcohol I still had the rose tinted blinders on and couldnt recognize what was happening.
Well said , I made a mistake . I never knew he was alcoholic . After live in , he abuse me whenever he gets drunk. He didn't even let me stay in peace even for few seconds when he gets drunk . I'm still going through rough time ever imagine to the point I wana die . Whoever is reading this please don't involve yourself with abusive drunkard person. It's really though and worst life ever. I'm unable to get out of it because he threatened me and manipulate me everytime I try to move on
This hits hard the love bombing at the beginning, the embarrassment, the gaslighting, then the false promises but lack of empathy. It's so hard when you know it's not them. I dont think they even love themselves. It hurts so much.
I dated a recovering addict for 10 months. He pursued me. Then I noticed his anger issues and his negativity. I was so kind and giving to him. He even took me home to meet his family then he broke up with me. I am still hurt. I have totally detached from him.
I'm only a quarter of the way through the video and what you're saying is so accurate it's scary. Every single point you make is spot on. I'm actually trying not to cry.
I hope people will heed your advice. I’ve been in a couple of those relationships, they said that they wanted sobriety, so I laid down the rules, & after 3 months, the main rule of not drinking was broken. I learned long ago that the only person you can change is yourself.
Just dodged a huge bullet by watching this video. I recently started seeing a guy who is absolutely amazing when he’s sober, but when he drinks he is so full of self-loathing. I know that if he was just his sober self, I could build a beautiful life with him. We understand each other, he’s creative and resourceful, and he’s kind and loving. But his dependence on substances to numb his past traumas is a detriment to himself and our relationship, so I have decided to end it before it really gets off the ground. Luckily he’s very understanding and kind and he took it well. It’s still one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced, though, knowing the potential, the “what might’ve been”
It sounds like you've made a difficult but thoughtful decision for your own well-being. Recognizing the impact of substance dependence on a relationship and taking steps to prioritize your own health is a commendable choice. It's important to remember that you deserve a relationship that supports your growth and happiness. If you ever need support or guidance during this process, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a mental health professional. Take care of yourself.
Yup even I did the same..he is heavily into smoking and drinking..he tried reaching out to me but I have never allowed him coz once I get into an affair with him it will be difficult for me..but still I feel bad for having to leave him as I know substance abuse is s grave issue.
Going through this now, he has so many great qualities I have a suspicion he drinks a lot, we don’t live together just see other romantically It’s the best, he keeps telling me He can’t live without me
I hope you followed through and ended it. I can promise you the bad feelings you’d experience in a long term relationship with this person would far outweigh any short-term bad feelings over “what might have been”. Guaranteed that “what will be” if you continue in this relationship would be a living nightmare. You’re better off without him.
Thank you Dr. Becky for your work. After a year of falling in love with a functional alcoholic in denial and entering a long distance relationship and him breaking up with me over a fight, I am finally free. The outcome of dealing with this person really confronted me with my deepest wounds. I managed to overcome them and feel secure now. Phew! What a ride. On to my real love.
wow thank you for this. This was the best made video on spotting someone with alcoholism that I've seen so far. I wasn't sure if I was dating an alcoholic but now it all makes sense.
This video broke my heart, as I just left a two year on and off again relationship with a man I cared so much about. About half of the points you note in this video describe him - the codependency, the insecurities, lack of self love. I feel like he is coming to the point of realizing how much alcohol affects those around him and his overall well being and I hope he commits to quitting and going to AA and therapy permanently now. I’m filled with sadness because I feel like I also need to examine why I was addicted to trying to help him and “fix” him for so long, though I knew it was breaking me down. There’s always this longing/emptiness of what could have been and lost potential if this person was sober. But I realize now I can only change myself and not another, especially one who is suffering from an addiction. This video has been a true eye opener and I’m on my own path to healing now and recovery ❤
I feel you, I'm in deep sadness about my partner that I am only now realising she is a A. Addict and when she is sober ther eis this stunning side to her, but this 2.5years has brought me nothing be stress, pressure and emotional turmoil that I am losing myself. Now I know there is only one way out, and that is to end this relationship and say good bye to my best friend and lover.
Thank you for this information. I painfully and briefly dated an alcoholic and he checks all these boxes. I don’t think I could help him and now I know you can’t help people that deep without losing ur self
My advice is once you realize the person you are dating is an alcoholic, break up with them. It’s not worth pursuing a relationship with an alcoholic. You are going to be in for some really rough times if you stay with them. Certainly, don’t marry an alcoholic and tie up your finances, children, and life with somebody who has a drinking problem. It’s guaranteed misery, and then you’ll have to give them half your money when you get divorced.
Being close to someone who doesn't take this sort of advice is demoralizing, too. Please listen to this if you are considering staying with or marrying an alcoholic. I'm walking away from my longtime friend who keeps making delusional level excuses for her soon to be husband.
They will ruin your life and children’s lives, then they will find another women in a minute You will have no where to live etc, unless your have tons of money$$$$ Which is very rare
Well said , I made a mistake . I never knew he was alcoholic . After live in , he abuse me whenever he gets drunk. He didn't even let me stay in peace even for few seconds when he gets drunk . I'm still going through rough time ever imagine to the point I wana die . Whoever is reading this please don't involve yourself with abusive drunkard person. It's really though and worst life ever. I'm unable to get out of it because he threatened me and manipulate me everytime I try to move on
I was a problem drinker but stopped binge drinking. My ex started drinking again 4 pints and then said phone was gone though he still had it on him amd used it to message me. He said I didnt deserve valentines gift and would pawn things I owned. I am not going back to him. He's also very abusive about my low weight.
It’s hard to lock down what was happening in my last relationship, I just knew I needed to get out. She also had all 13 points. I’m glad friends were honest with me after and let me know that those things were obvious and not okay.
Left a relationship two weeks ago because of his drinking habits. This video really helps to validate my experience. I'm still dealing with a lot of cognitive disonance because we would only fight when there was alcohol involved, and apart from that I did consider him my best friend and a good guy. It escalated to intense emotional and verbal abuse and the defining straw was when he put his hands on me. I've never seen anyone so angry. The messed up part is that I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and feel like somehow it's my fault even though logically that doesn't make sense. I'm home and recovering from that connection, even though he said the meanest things that make my heart feel like hundreds of pounds to this day, I really hope he can get some help and live a good life.
Get therapy, you will go around in circles otherwise. Its like trying to figure out why a snake bit you, its what alcoholics do they are all the same, my father was one and I lived with one, its not you its the addiction watch "put down the shovel" its a youtube channel she helped me tremendously.
I'm in the same position. I want to leave the relationship but it's so difficult for me. I hope one day I can leave that because I'm living a nightmare.
I am leaving mine today, after 3 years. He didn't hit me, I would kill him if he touched me, he knows my temperament. I am an extremely kind and generous woman. But he becomes so angry, so nasty, so abusive. My high blood pressure. He also cheated on me a few times. I was desperate to be loved but at 44 I realized it's better to be alone. He is 14 years younger. I thought I could help him but it's time I started helping myself.
I just thanked to my therapist that finally Im not dating a narcissist, bpd or such, and look at me now! 4 months into dating an alcoholic… Im just at minute 5 of this video, but I know now what he is… Thank you for the video…
Unfortunately, I experienced the same my partner was not only narcissistic person but also alcoholic and left me in a doubts which i am clearing now. She drank alcohol paid through my card and blamed me for taking care of her bills by saying you gave me card so i drank. I am glad its over
I’m getting ready to leave my alcoholic partner of 6 months. Everything in this video explains EVERYTHING I wished I would’ve known sooner. Come February 2nd, 2024. I’m running away.
Well done on planning to leave, if you need any support with that you can book a free call with one of our therapist here PTC.as.me/?appointmentType=38919764 But either way well done you should feel very proud of yourself.
Been in a long term relationship with a chronic alcoholic for 10 years. Unfortunately have 2 kids with her. I think about leaving all The time but it feels impossible as we have 2 kids and no way I’d trust her enough to share custody with her. Take my advice , run the at the first sign that the person you’re dating has an alcohol problem. It’s a nightmare
I just dated a guy for 2 years. Our relationship just ended. It really is crazy how alcohol is so normalized in society. I noticed he was a bad alcoholic pretty early on, but I liked him when he was sober so I stayed and hoped it would get better. A few months in he got a DUI. The guy was 27 years old (29 now), 5 years older than me, and I had warned him about his problem before it happened. It had been an issue since we started dating but I tried to look past it. After his dui he improved, but still did it every now and then. He was ashamed of it so he would lie to me about doing it which also caused a lot of problems. I became bitter and angry anytime he did it even if he wasn’t being obnoxious because it just felt like betrayal to me. He would use anything as an excuse to do it even when we would have plans to hang out or go on a date. In the two years we dated I never once saw him cry or show very much emotion. He was a very nonchalant guy, just didn’t seem to take anything seriously. I’m honestly surprised our relationship lasted as long as it did.
I just left my alcoholic fiance of 2 years. That last statement of having a love addiction to this person and trying to make it work. Seeing the potential when there sober but then it all comes crashing down when they start drinking again. It was so heartbreaking. I finally had to leave for myself.
This video has made me 100 percent sure I’m an alcoholic. It’s so sad to listen to you talk and admit to myself have done all of these things in relationships. I feel broken right now.
I lost my estranged father to alcoholism in 2023. A few months back I've met a lovely attentive sweet man. I've recently discovered he's a high functioning alcoholic however in our culture this kind of drinking is normalised. I'm finding it hard to step back from him. In fact the unhealed little girl in me wants to take care of this man. Love on him. Accept him in a way I could never manage to do with my own father. Feels like the universe has thrown this test at me and I already know I'm failing because my heart wants to care for him. But deep down I know I need to step back. I will. I always do right in the end. I just hope I can do this before it's too late. Stepping back feels like I'm abandoning my Dad. But I do realise it was never my job to save him and I must choose me this time to break this curse and cycle. Thanks for reading ❤
I've hit the jackpot. She's a heavy alcoholic, dismissive avoidant with past heavy issues. Love her so much. 1st breakup was the most brutal thing ever. I hope we will make it
These are serious concerns that O ve had for a while now. Trying to have a conversation with this person has been really difficult. Thank you for this info, it has helped me understand and put things into perspective.
Went from wife with alcohol problems who sobered up, then I realized she was also a narcissist. No fixing that! Now living in separate rooms with separate lives. She has NEVER apologized for one single disaster she caused
What I learned, after 30 years living with a narcissist with an alcohol addiction…is that, in their lack of ability to have empathy or be at all in touch with their own emotions…they assume others are ‘equally emotionally void’, and they see us as nothing more than ‘objects’, to serve some purpose in their (the alcoholics) life. Love…is something the alcoholic cannot grasp, because that entails feelings and understanding empathy and emotional intimacy. After some time of enduring an alcoholics cold, emotional void…you begin to see the alcoholic as ‘less human’, as well…as their emotional coldness is impossible to overlook. They think sex is intimacy. But, sex - without emotional connection…is merely sexual release (to them)…and that is all. This disconnect becomes very apparent, and you stop being sexually attracted to them…once the love bombing (which we initially confuse, as an emotional connection and ‘love’) stage wears off. It’s an unsettling situation to be in, and the sooner you can get out of it…the better, for you. 30 years…was 29 years too long. Watch for red flags and give them the (urgent) attention they are screaming for. 🚩🚩🚩
Thank you for this. Sometimes I just couldn't make sense of what was going on with my ex. For years. It felt like madness. Good to know I wasn't gone mad and that other people were living with very similar securing issues. Great video. Thanks
My housemate is an elementary teacher, showing up to work with a hangover. She is combative, argumentative, belligerent and obnoxious when she is drinking excessively. She has no boundaries and will lie, manipulate and deny her way through to anyone who confronts her with the truth of her alcoholism that provokes arguments and she becomes aggressive. She has no filters gets involved in risky situations and makes irrational decisions that costs greatly.
Hello! Thank you for this new video! I never drink alcohol. I am absolutely scared of alcohol. From my point of view, drinking alcohol is absolutely useless. It's not necessary at all. As a human, I don't need it. I've seen and heard horrible things when I was a child because of alcohol... Bad memories. All those years would have been better without alcohol... No wonder I'm like that today 😄 This video is very helpful. Thank you very much!
I appreciate your perspective on alcohol. It sounds like you have very valid reasons for your aversion to alcohol due to your past experiences. Many people have similar feelings and experiences, and it's essential to acknowledge and respect their choices and feelings surrounding alcohol. Remember that everyone's relationship with alcohol is personal and can vary greatly. What works for one person may not work for another. The most important thing is to make choices that align with your values and what makes you feel comfortable and safe. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and watching the video. If you have any more questions or comments, feel free to share them. Your input is valuable. 😊
I stayed with my ex for 3 years and he stopped drinking but I still had to leave him. Issue is not just alcohol. There are other things you are not seeing. This topic only gets worse overtime and will suck the life out of you the longer you stay because you love him. Good luck.
Im trying to break free from a New Lady 9 weeks and now she is on a 12 day binge blaming me for her troubles, i have blocked her. She will find a way to message me, begging me to talk with her . im a damn fool. why am i feeling guilty? im not the one drinking, I did not buy her Alcohol, and I know I can not help . I do not drink do not use no drugs I do not smoke . we Met when she was sober .
This explains the person I dated in a nut shell!! When I gave him a second chance and I decided to disappear the second time he took no accountability, it was as if he wasn’t aware that he was the reason for our arguments. I decided to leave for my own sanity, he was so mentally gone arguing with him would be like arguing with an air mattress.
Hi Dr Spelman. Thank you very much for posting this video. I cannot prove that my loved one is drinking but she wakes up every morning and appears depressed. We cannot go for breakfast or do anything. Around lunch time she is normal and conversations seem normal, finances, politics, hobbies etc. Plans for travel or for the weekend. Around 5 pm the negativity begins. I'm walking on constant egg shells and everything I say she replies with a condescending tone. I believe you are right, I'm addicted to helping her. I wish I knew for certain it is the alcohol. She showers once per week, doesn't do her hair anymore. Won't exercise. She seems to turn everything I talk about into a negative for example. The property manager mentioned that fence sanding and painting will resume this thursday. She will immediately say something like. "Well being that you payed him to give you this information on a stat holiday just costs you more money". How about a walk today? It is raining she will say....I could go on forever Dr Spelman. Thank you for your time tonight.
The behaviors you're describing, such as morning depression, mood swings, neglect of personal care, and negative interactions, could indeed be signs of alcohol misuse or other underlying issues. While it's natural to want to help and support your loved one, it's also important to take care of yourself and set boundaries to maintain your own well-being. Seeking guidance from a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide you with strategies to navigate this situation and support both yourself and your loved one effectively. Remember, you're not alone, and there are resources and support available to help you through this challenging time. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for help when needed.
@@dr.beckyspelman Hi Dr Spelman, Thank you for your reply. Since writing this it has been a tough 2 weeks as I love Caitlin so much. I have joined Ala Non which has helped as I've felt so alone and have set firm boundaries. I have had to keep distant from her inc only texting in the mornings as it has been so abusive. Finally after 3 years I'm feeling some snipets of freedom. I will keep following your work. Thank you so much❤
I am in a relationship with a high functioning alcoholic and he wants to get married. I absolutely dislike his drinking. I discovered the he wakes up and drinks, then he will drink a lot of water. He tries to hide it by having mini bottles. I can always tell when he is drunk because he keeps asking the same questions over. Once he comes down then he either wants to argue or be intimate. I have been avoiding him a lot because I no longer want to be with him.
This video really opened my mind. I dated a ex narcissist alcoholic gf who is now going through AA 6 months ago. All 13 points checked. Still healing from trauma bond
Some narcissists are alcoholic too. But when you know one that it's both, you can spot some points that is from the narcissist behavior and others from the alcoholism problem.
Omg ~ yes this is so true.. lots of denial from the narcissist in my life, explains the defensiveness, talking in circles and no accountability ever over the past 18 years. This explains all of the inappropriate behavior.. loads of no concern for others. 😢
My husband is an alcoholic, Im unsure of what to do. He admitted to me he was going through brown outs, please forgive me Im still trying to educate myself, whilst supporting this amazing man I have been given. He’s such a kind person inside and out, however while he’s intoxicated he’s not there, he isn’t mean, he tends to be a little moody, but never mean to me or our girls. He’s a blue collar man that works 16 days straight, a Sunday a month off. He takes care of every responsibility, he shows up to every function our kids have, I have, unless he’s working, but every day he drinks as soon as he gets off, and he doesn’t stop. I pray for him, guide him, never shame him, care for any needs he has, I love this man, he is my partner, but I don’t know what to do
Great video! I liked the video clips. Often been sending people party photos, to alert some beginner drinkers, that’s it’s really gross and ugly to watch them do this.
My ex husband of 18 years was violent when he drank. His drunken rampages scared our children. One of our children had Cystic Fibrosis and spent much time in hospital. He once turned up at the children's ward drunk and made a show of himself. My children were nearly put on at risk register because I stayed so long with his abusive. Sadly I lost my daughter to CF in 2008. I eventually left my now ex husband. I met a singer songwriter who unfortunately was an alcoholic too but was a creative spirit. That lasted 5 yrs. My recent relationship he was a great guy & in recovery. I miss him but I think perhaps us parting was for the best.
My brother is a chronic alcoholic never been to a AA meeting and never admittrd to himself or anyone else he is one. Absolute nightmare to deal with. I have cut him out of my life altogether.
This hit me so hard. I tried to make it work with her, but in the end, all it did was destroy me. I should have left earlier, but I didn't realize it was that bad....
This is so true, thanks for validating the experience of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Never again. My advice to anyone - if you see the signs early, walk away. Run if you have to. There are healthier people in the world. Don't waste years waiting around for them to fix themselves.
Here because my fiance admitted he has a problem last night after hiding it from me for the last several years. Heartbroken and confused as to how I could have missed all this.
I am so thankful for this Video. It was really a great help for me. Because it adressed the very points I needed to know and the sitiations I observed. Thank you so very much!
Listening to all of these is so heartbreaking because I see these in my partner so much time I think I’m wasting on him and it so hard to try and walk away. 😢
Recognizing the signs of a problematic relationship can be incredibly challenging, especially when you care deeply for your partner. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide you with the guidance and strength you need to make the best decisions for yourself. Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Take care of yourself.
Well said , I made a mistake . I never knew he was alcoholic . After live in , he abuse me whenever he gets drunk. He didn't even let me stay in peace even for few seconds when he gets drunk . I'm still going through rough time ever imagine to the point I wana die . Whoever is reading this please don't involve yourself with abusive drunkard person. It's really though and worst life ever. I'm unable to get out of it because he threatened me and manipulate me everytime I try to move on
I just broke up with him. He’s an alcoholic, it’s no real secret. He made some terrible decisions throughout our time together, which made me anxious, depressed, and it broke my trust. He love bombed me, I thought I loved him. I had to leave him.
Left an 18 month relationship with a girl. My drinking went downhill fast when I met her. We would argue over the bottle. I chose sobriety January 1st and she kept drinking. Got to the point where I had to call police on her for suicidal threats and her calling my employer screaming at them. She was so negative all the time. Calling off work, getting fired, skipping college classes. Just sadness, depression, resentment, anger. I had to let her go and get on with a new life. The only thing I hope for her is that she hits rock bottom because that’s what it takes. I hope she doesn’t drag anyone else’s life down with hers, and takes some type of sabbatical into treatment but I doubt she will since she loves the blame game and playing the victim
I'm sorry to hear that you've encountered some concerning behaviors in your relationship. If you have any questions or need guidance on how to proceed, feel free to share more details or seek support from friends, family, or professionals who can provide valuable insights and advice. Your well-being and happiness are important, and it's essential to prioritize them in any relationship.
I’m currently dating one and struggling to explain to him that I’m bothered by his behaviour when he’s drinking. He thinks I just need to “chill” and be “cool” about it. How can I relax when I’m being embarrassed all the time and being talked to incoherently?? It’s torture. Now I get panic attacks when I think about an event in the future where he’s gonna be drinking.
It won’t change. I finally had enough after 6 years. Took years for me to understand what was really going on and how addiction contributed to the behavior.
very very difficult to have a relationship with a alcoholic. not only during the drinking but the recovery and relapsing . i am addicted to her but not the behaviours . they definitely hook up with other people. i’ve experienced everything that one can think of . it’s heartbreaking. you will spend hours on phones all your resources and you lose yourself worth . it’s truly not worth it unless your millionaire that can sit and wait all day and watch .
I’ve been sober about a year and a half. I hit a lot of these when I was drinking. I’m so thankful that my girlfriend stuck around and got to be with the real me. I’m going to ask her to marry me next month and I promise you that wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t quit drinking. I was never physically or verbally abusive…. I more just hated myself more than anything haha. We’re both much happier now that I’m sober! I also don’t dwell on my past alcohol problems. We have booze In the house and I’ll still go out to the bar with her a for drinks. I just stick to NA options
Just met the woman of my dreams online a few days ago and I found out she has some arrests for DUI in at least 2 states. She is love-bombing the hell out of me and I like it, but I don't trust it. Your video is valuable because I will be on the lookout for the transition point and the other behaviors you detailed. I don't have high expectations for a long term relationship with her, but I plan to enjoy it as long as it remains enjoyable.
It's wise of you to approach the situation with caution and a clear understanding of the potential red flags. Trust is an essential foundation in any relationship, and being aware of the behaviors associated with addiction issues, as discussed in the video, can help you navigate this new connection more effectively. If you ever have questions or need further insights along the way, don't hesitate to seek advice or support. Wishing you the best in your journey and your pursuit of a fulfilling, enjoyable relationship. 😊🌟
Please don’t make the mistake of going with the flow like me. I am sucked into a whole whirlpool of drama and now reeling with the aftermath. Now I am asking myself why did I let so many things slide which i would never tolerate otherwise.
They are a whirlpool and entire roller coaster and honestly it is best to leave it alone completely unless you are ready to strap in for the ride of your life
These poor souls God please help them become regulated and honest in Jesus name amen ❤ great video the projection is real how alcoholic and narcissistic people flip the script and make you crazy. Deliverance is needed!!!🙏🥰✨on both sides from that mess and thank you Jesus for delivering me from the nonsense ❤🎉❤ fake life fake love 💗
I'm glad to hear that you found support and deliverance from a challenging situation. Seeking emotional well-being and recognizing toxic dynamics can be a significant step toward healing. Continue focusing on your own growth and fostering healthy relationships. If you ever need further support or guidance, consider reaching out to friends, family, or mental health professionals. Wishing you continued strength and positive growth on your journey. 🌟✨
i feel for a 48 year old alcoholic woman. i’m 60 . in the 2.5 years of knowing her she would hook up with younger men and x boyfriends . the lies and dysfunctional behaviour was overwhelming. i sailed away with my dog to another country. i stayed in touch but the debasing behaviour continues . she went to rehab abs met a 35 guy there recovering from meth . she was to come here once completed . this was only days ago . Told her this is to painful and lots to process. i’m tired scared to bring her now . she knows how to play me . i can’t have sex with again as it has no meaning to you plus your still drinking. i won’t she said . i’m not a rehab i said and had her on my last yacht abs it was a nightmare. i’m irish and to soft and care about humanity. my family are worried
I'm a guy, I'm 20 years old, and I already have an alcohol addiction. I drink a lot of beer with my neighbor from the hostel, and I understand that this is wrong, but I can't do anything about it, I'm very exhausted by studying;)
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with alcohol addiction. It's important to recognize that seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are resources available to support you in overcoming this challenge. Here are a few suggestions: Acknowledge the Issue: Acknowledging that you have a concern with alcohol is the first step. It's important to be honest with yourself about the impact it may be having on your life. Talk to Someone: Share your concerns with a trusted friend, family member, or someone you feel comfortable talking to. Opening up about your struggles can be a crucial step in getting support. Seek Professional Help: Consider reaching out to a mental health professional or addiction counselor. They can provide guidance, support, and strategies to help you manage and overcome your addiction. Explore Support Groups: Attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings or other support groups. Being around people who have faced similar challenges can provide valuable insights and encouragement. Set Realistic Goals: Start by setting small, achievable goals. Gradually reducing your alcohol intake or setting specific limits can be a realistic first step. Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who encourage healthy habits and positive behavior. This can make a significant difference in your efforts to overcome addiction. Take Care of Your Well-Being: Focus on self-care, including proper nutrition, exercise, and sufficient sleep. These factors can positively impact your overall well-being. Explore Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Identify alternative ways to cope with stress and exhaustion. This might include engaging in hobbies, practicing mindfulness, or finding activities that bring you joy without the need for alcohol. It is important to also consider professional help, you can contact the clinic: theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/
Does finish the entire Hennessy on every weekend and chase it with alcoholic beverages considered being an alcoholic? Does drinking alcoholic beverages such as truly and white claws daily considered being an alcoholic? My spouse doesn’t think it is. He always throw it back in face by saying I get up and go to work so I’m not. I don’t drink so to me this is excessive but I don’t know. He always said I’m stiff and I need to chill and relax and take the edge off.
what about beers every day? it's a social thing so people think is OK, but 5-6 beers every day is not a norm for me, although he doesn't lose his job and can still do his duties, he does get a bit rude to me and it hurts me
They won't change, just left a relationship with this same dilemma. She didn't know what to do with her life but drink. When you bring it up this created more heavy drinking. After 3 years I had to cut the cord. Sad but Alcoholism is a very wicked disease. I had to save myself and go. Best decision I made, I quit drinking for her to show her it's possible but it did nothing.
They absolutely do it intentionally. My x told me to "take accountability" for our relationship struggles not 10 seconds after I said that I have issues, too (past trauma, depression). This was at 10 am, not a time when he was drinking. They gaslight 24/7.
I drank whiskey nearly daily for 22 years, although it was only at home. After losing my driver's license because of drunkenness, I stopped drinking alcohol completely without a single therapy. I feel and sleep better. Of course, I have my driver's license after about one year again. Still, I will never drink alcohol again. If the police had not taken it away from me, I don't think that I would have ever stopped drinking alcohol
Just broke up ( he actually broke up with me bc of something he thinks I did) with a functioning alcoholic I feel like he’s getting worse after 1 1/2 years He’s also has narcissistic traits - the love bombing Telling me he loved me too soon gaslighting etc even if he got sober, I think he would still be a jerk He ruined his marriage and now our relationship thank God I was only in it for a year and a half off and on He’s told me that he knows he needs to quit drinking & does nothing to get help Yes he NEVER owns up to the crappy behavior! & doesn’t remember the next day & blames me ! All narcissistic traits ! It’s terrible ! 😢 Oh my God, trying to talk to him about how he’s feeling ! NOPE ! This is my EX to a T ! Thank you for your video !❤ Yes very painful
What i think is funny is that a lot of what you say is true. At the same time this is all a hypothetical situation and you already know that there are so many people that will read from their own perspective and believe the same. I think this is going to negatively affect a few relationships
hi Dr. Becky i find your information so right my partner lift me and my Daughter about two weeks ago who is a alcoholic and has not contacted me to see her daughter Do you think see will contact to see her at some point ?
Most people who suffer from addiction where there is alcohol drugs are narcissist they don’t care how it affects other people. They only care about how it affects them. It’s a selfish disease and most narcissist are addicts and alcoholics because they have no emotions they’ve got to create them with drugs and alcohol.
Just left a recovering alcoholic after 3 years. Even tho he was recovering I hated how negative he was all the time. He relapsed every 6 months or so. Alcoholics have deeper issues than just alcohol. They don't enjoy life period. He wouldn't do anything that makes me happy and he was only focused on recovering from alcohol. Alcoholics are just too preoccupied with addiction issues to be in a relationship and to make someone else happy. Leave and find someone with a positive outlook. It took me 3 years to see that. I have my own place now and never would go back. Thank you for the video! Very accurate! Life is good again LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. Even if he stops drinking that mechanism of "feeling like crap all the time so that they have to self harm and numb" stays forever. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!
All true, but alcohol is among the more visible addictions. Most people are addicted to something; it might be food, sex, gambling, toxic behavior, nicotine, caffeine, and so many other things that are not so visible or frowned upon.
Sorry you had a hard time, but generalising everyone in that category isn't fair either!
@@P51D-Mustang I was here too like two years ago. I am specifically talking about alcoholism. I pray that you leave this denial and start focusing on yourself and leave your situation with an alcoholic. Al-anon meanings are helpful. I recommend it.
@Lemthepoetofficial I did and I have.
My ex is a clinical psychologist and she easily drank a bottle of wine every night and some.
I've struggled with my own alcohol issues but since giving up, it was not conducive to my sobriety journey to stay in the relationship, so breaking up and moving on and going no contact was the only option.
That was and is a painful sacrifice.
But it woke her up and she has since stopped drinking, I pray for her everyday!
Idiot with a bad experience generalizing people.
Going out to dinner and not eating/ordering food but happy to drink. I did that for years and never understood why people would be miffed with me. 13 months sober here.
Awesome!
God bless you with wisdom, strength and peace. In Jesus name. Amen.
As long as your behavior is ok I don't understand why that would "miff" anyone.
You go out to dinner with your bf or guy you are seeing, and he never orders food, only drinks. It is weird and a waste of time. @lamnuck
@@lamnuck judgment of what is “ok behavior” is usually the first thing to go
The first 12 months are the hardest. Congratulations on 13 months!
I am now 5 months broken up from a 2 year relationship with an alcoholic. Listen to what this lady is saying -- she hit all the pointers right on the head. You may experience just few of the signs she talked about or most of them but they will definitely reveal themselves over time. The first two or three were particularly startling for me because my ex partner was so anxious for me to be his girlfriend and then move in together shortly thereafter. At the time, I didn't really interpret this as a red flag because he was super sweet and attentive so I chalked it up to him having an anxious- insecure attachment style. A couple months later I started to suspect something was a little off when he was hanging around at the local bar on a regular basis and coming home with a case of beer almost nightly. Even though his previous relationship ended due to problems surrounding alcohol I still had the rose tinted blinders on and couldnt recognize what was happening.
Well said , I made a mistake . I never knew he was alcoholic . After live in , he abuse me whenever he gets drunk. He didn't even let me stay in peace even for few seconds when he gets drunk . I'm still going through rough time ever imagine to the point I wana die . Whoever is reading this please don't involve yourself with abusive drunkard person. It's really though and worst life ever. I'm unable to get out of it because he threatened me and manipulate me everytime I try to move on
This hits hard the love bombing at the beginning, the embarrassment, the gaslighting, then the false promises but lack of empathy. It's so hard when you know it's not them. I dont think they even love themselves. It hurts so much.
I dated a recovering addict for 10 months. He pursued me. Then I noticed his anger issues and his negativity. I was so kind and giving to him. He even took me home to meet his family then he broke up with me. I am still hurt. I have totally detached from him.
Very good point...narcissism traits are something I definitely detected in alcoholics....
I'm only a quarter of the way through the video and what you're saying is so accurate it's scary. Every single point you make is spot on. I'm actually trying not to cry.
Me too 😢
😢😢
I hope people will heed your advice. I’ve been in a couple of those relationships, they said that they wanted sobriety, so I laid down the rules, & after 3 months, the main rule of not drinking was broken. I learned long ago that the only person you can change is yourself.
Just dodged a huge bullet by watching this video. I recently started seeing a guy who is absolutely amazing when he’s sober, but when he drinks he is so full of self-loathing. I know that if he was just his sober self, I could build a beautiful life with him. We understand each other, he’s creative and resourceful, and he’s kind and loving. But his dependence on substances to numb his past traumas is a detriment to himself and our relationship, so I have decided to end it before it really gets off the ground. Luckily he’s very understanding and kind and he took it well. It’s still one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced, though, knowing the potential, the “what might’ve been”
It sounds like you've made a difficult but thoughtful decision for your own well-being. Recognizing the impact of substance dependence on a relationship and taking steps to prioritize your own health is a commendable choice. It's important to remember that you deserve a relationship that supports your growth and happiness. If you ever need support or guidance during this process, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a mental health professional. Take care of yourself.
I congratulate your thoughtful bravery.
All the very best!
Yup even I did the same..he is heavily into smoking and drinking..he tried reaching out to me but I have never allowed him coz once I get into an affair with him it will be difficult for me..but still I feel bad for having to leave him as I know substance abuse is s grave issue.
Going through this now, he has so many great qualities
I have a suspicion he drinks a lot, we don’t live together just see other romantically
It’s the best, he keeps telling me
He can’t live without me
I hope you followed through and ended it. I can promise you the bad feelings you’d experience in a long term relationship with this person would far outweigh any short-term bad feelings over “what might have been”. Guaranteed that “what will be” if you continue in this relationship would be a living nightmare. You’re better off without him.
Thank you Dr. Becky for your work. After a year of falling in love with a functional alcoholic in denial and entering a long distance relationship and him breaking up with me over a fight, I am finally free. The outcome of dealing with this person really confronted me with my deepest wounds. I managed to overcome them and feel secure now. Phew! What a ride. On to my real love.
Wow this sounds so though, well done on breaking free and thanks for sharing.
You have just succinctly described why my marriage of 4.5 years ended. Thank you for providing much needed closure. This video is so valuable x
wow thank you for this. This was the best made video on spotting someone with alcoholism that I've seen so far. I wasn't sure if I was dating an alcoholic but now it all makes sense.
This video broke my heart, as I just left a two year on and off again relationship with a man I cared so much about. About half of the points you note in this video describe him - the codependency, the insecurities, lack of self love. I feel like he is coming to the point of realizing how much alcohol affects those around him and his overall well being and I hope he commits to quitting and going to AA and therapy permanently now. I’m filled with sadness because I feel like I also need to examine why I was addicted to trying to help him and “fix” him for so long, though I knew it was breaking me down. There’s always this longing/emptiness of what could have been and lost potential if this person was sober. But I realize now I can only change myself and not another, especially one who is suffering from an addiction. This video has been a true eye opener and I’m on my own path to healing now and recovery ❤
I feel you, I'm in deep sadness about my partner that I am only now realising she is a A. Addict and when she is sober ther eis this stunning side to her, but this 2.5years has brought me nothing be stress, pressure and emotional turmoil that I am losing myself. Now I know there is only one way out, and that is to end this relationship and say good bye to my best friend and lover.
@@sunitakaur4582how are you doing?
Thank you for this information. I painfully and briefly dated an alcoholic and he checks all these boxes. I don’t think I could help him and now I know you can’t help people that deep without losing ur self
That’s true, sorry to hear about your experience.
You can’t help, no one can
My advice is once you realize the person you are dating is an alcoholic, break up with them. It’s not worth pursuing a relationship with an alcoholic. You are going to be in for some really rough times if you stay with them. Certainly, don’t marry an alcoholic and tie up your finances, children, and life with somebody who has a drinking problem. It’s guaranteed misery, and then you’ll have to give them half your money when you get divorced.
Being close to someone who doesn't take this sort of advice is demoralizing, too. Please listen to this if you are considering staying with or marrying an alcoholic.
I'm walking away from my longtime friend who keeps making delusional level excuses for her soon to be husband.
They will ruin your life and children’s lives, then they will find another women in a minute
You will have no where to live etc, unless your have tons of money$$$$
Which is very rare
@@temposhop8739don’t even be around this person, she will be toxic as time goes by
Well said , I made a mistake . I never knew he was alcoholic . After live in , he abuse me whenever he gets drunk. He didn't even let me stay in peace even for few seconds when he gets drunk . I'm still going through rough time ever imagine to the point I wana die . Whoever is reading this please don't involve yourself with abusive drunkard person. It's really though and worst life ever. I'm unable to get out of it because he threatened me and manipulate me everytime I try to move on
I was a problem drinker but stopped binge drinking. My ex started drinking again 4 pints and then said phone was gone though he still had it on him amd used it to message me. He said I didnt deserve valentines gift and would pawn things I owned. I am not going back to him. He's also very abusive about my low weight.
BINGO! Dated an alcoholic BPD, all 13 points were there. Thanks for making me understand it was not about me, it was about her.
Thanks for sharing, sorry to hear this and letting me know that the video resonates.
It’s hard to lock down what was happening in my last relationship, I just knew I needed to get out. She also had all 13 points. I’m glad friends were honest with me after and let me know that those things were obvious and not okay.
Left a relationship two weeks ago because of his drinking habits. This video really helps to validate my experience. I'm still dealing with a lot of cognitive disonance because we would only fight when there was alcohol involved, and apart from that I did consider him my best friend and a good guy. It escalated to intense emotional and verbal abuse and the defining straw was when he put his hands on me. I've never seen anyone so angry. The messed up part is that I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and feel like somehow it's my fault even though logically that doesn't make sense. I'm home and recovering from that connection, even though he said the meanest things that make my heart feel like hundreds of pounds to this day, I really hope he can get some help and live a good life.
Get therapy, you will go around in circles otherwise. Its like trying to figure out why a snake bit you, its what alcoholics do they are all the same, my father was one and I lived with one, its not you its the addiction watch "put down the shovel" its a youtube channel she helped me tremendously.
I'm in the same position. I want to leave the relationship but it's so difficult for me. I hope one day I can leave that because I'm living a nightmare.
Anya that's very forgiving of you to still have compassion. I understand what you went through...I went through the same, exactly.
I am leaving mine today, after 3 years. He didn't hit me, I would kill him if he touched me, he knows my temperament. I am an extremely kind and generous woman. But he becomes so angry, so nasty, so abusive. My high blood pressure. He also cheated on me a few times. I was desperate to be loved but at 44 I realized it's better to be alone. He is 14 years younger. I thought I could help him but it's time I started helping myself.
@@keiddyrobinsonAt times it's happy but when he gets drunk. Damn him for putting me through this and I need to forgive myself for putting up with him
I just thanked to my therapist that finally Im not dating a narcissist, bpd or such, and look at me now! 4 months into dating an alcoholic…
Im just at minute 5 of this video, but I know now what he is…
Thank you for the video…
Unfortunately, I experienced the same my partner was not only narcissistic person but also alcoholic and left me in a doubts which i am clearing now. She drank alcohol paid through my card and blamed me for taking care of her bills by saying you gave me card so i drank. I am glad its over
Sometimes we seek what we are used to.
I have a drinking problem and I've recognized all these problems in myself. I don't blame people for leaving me for it now.
Then maybe consider deal with the problem..
I’m getting ready to leave my alcoholic partner of 6 months. Everything in this video explains EVERYTHING I wished I would’ve known sooner. Come February 2nd, 2024. I’m running away.
Well done on planning to leave, if you need any support with that you can book a free call with one of our therapist here PTC.as.me/?appointmentType=38919764
But either way well done you should feel very proud of yourself.
Been in a long term relationship with a chronic alcoholic for 10 years. Unfortunately have 2 kids with her. I think about leaving all
The time but it feels impossible as we have 2 kids and no way I’d trust her enough to share custody with her. Take my advice , run the at the first sign that the person you’re dating has an alcohol problem. It’s a nightmare
Concur I wish i did
So clear afther 10 years a broke up you are right alcholic cant love you, you have opend my eyes tnx for this video
I just dated a guy for 2 years. Our relationship just ended. It really is crazy how alcohol is so normalized in society. I noticed he was a bad alcoholic pretty early on, but I liked him when he was sober so I stayed and hoped it would get better. A few months in he got a DUI. The guy was 27 years old (29 now), 5 years older than me, and I had warned him about his problem before it happened. It had been an issue since we started dating but I tried to look past it. After his dui he improved, but still did it every now and then. He was ashamed of it so he would lie to me about doing it which also caused a lot of problems. I became bitter and angry anytime he did it even if he wasn’t being obnoxious because it just felt like betrayal to me. He would use anything as an excuse to do it even when we would have plans to hang out or go on a date. In the two years we dated I never once saw him cry or show very much emotion. He was a very nonchalant guy, just didn’t seem to take anything seriously. I’m honestly surprised our relationship lasted as long as it did.
Wow I am blown away how you explain it all in great detail. Thank you!
Wow thank you so much.
I just left my alcoholic fiance of 2 years. That last statement of having a love addiction to this person and trying to make it work. Seeing the potential when there sober but then it all comes crashing down when they start drinking again. It was so heartbreaking. I finally had to leave for myself.
This video has made me 100 percent sure I’m an alcoholic. It’s so sad to listen to you talk and admit to myself have done all of these things in relationships.
I feel broken right now.
I lost my estranged father to alcoholism in 2023. A few months back I've met a lovely attentive sweet man. I've recently discovered he's a high functioning alcoholic however in our culture this kind of drinking is normalised. I'm finding it hard to step back from him. In fact the unhealed little girl in me wants to take care of this man. Love on him. Accept him in a way I could never manage to do with my own father. Feels like the universe has thrown this test at me and I already know I'm failing because my heart wants to care for him. But deep down I know I need to step back. I will. I always do right in the end. I just hope I can do this before it's too late. Stepping back feels like I'm abandoning my Dad. But I do realise it was never my job to save him and I must choose me this time to break this curse and cycle. Thanks for reading ❤
PLEASE leave him. You will be miserable and he won’t change. You can’t change him!
I've hit the jackpot.
She's a heavy alcoholic, dismissive avoidant with past heavy issues. Love her so much. 1st breakup was the most brutal thing ever.
I hope we will make it
😢
These are serious concerns that O ve had for a while now. Trying to have a conversation with this person has been really difficult. Thank you for this info, it has helped me understand and put things into perspective.
Went from wife with alcohol problems who sobered up, then I realized she was also a narcissist. No fixing that! Now living in separate rooms with separate lives. She has NEVER apologized for one single disaster she caused
Get out! It only gets worse
She will NEVER apologize!!!! I’m getting divorced in 3 weeks. Thank you Jesus!
What I learned, after 30 years living with a narcissist with an alcohol addiction…is that, in their lack of ability to have empathy or be at all in touch with their own emotions…they assume others are ‘equally emotionally void’, and they see us as nothing more than ‘objects’, to serve some purpose in their (the alcoholics) life. Love…is something the alcoholic cannot grasp, because that entails feelings and understanding empathy and emotional intimacy. After some time of enduring an alcoholics cold, emotional void…you begin to see the alcoholic as ‘less human’, as well…as their emotional coldness is impossible to overlook. They think sex is intimacy. But, sex - without emotional connection…is merely sexual release (to them)…and that is all. This disconnect becomes very apparent, and you stop being sexually attracted to them…once the love bombing (which we initially confuse, as an emotional connection and ‘love’) stage wears off. It’s an unsettling situation to be in, and the sooner you can get out of it…the better, for you. 30 years…was 29 years too long. Watch for red flags and give them the (urgent) attention they are screaming for. 🚩🚩🚩
You are explaining this situation on point no joke. Thank you very much ❤❤❤❤
Thank you for this. Sometimes I just couldn't make sense of what was going on with my ex. For years. It felt like madness. Good to know I wasn't gone mad and that other people were living with very similar securing issues. Great video. Thanks
Wow! This is spot on! Wish I had known this 30years ago!
Thank You so much. After 1 and half years in relationship I understand now everything. I left him last week
Well done, I’m sure that was tough.
Thank you!!! Great video and has given me some decisions i need to make!!
amazing - in particular from 25 mins to the end ... very interesting - thank you
Thank you I’m glad you found the video helpful.
My housemate is an elementary teacher, showing up to work with a hangover. She is combative, argumentative, belligerent and obnoxious when she is drinking excessively. She has no boundaries and will lie, manipulate and deny her way through to anyone who confronts her with the truth of her alcoholism that provokes arguments and she becomes aggressive. She has no filters gets involved in risky situations and makes irrational decisions that costs greatly.
Perfect video and info
Hello!
Thank you for this new video! I never drink alcohol. I am absolutely scared of alcohol. From my point of view, drinking alcohol is absolutely useless. It's not necessary at all. As a human, I don't need it. I've seen and heard horrible things when I was a child because of alcohol... Bad memories. All those years would have been better without alcohol... No wonder I'm like that today 😄
This video is very helpful. Thank you very much!
I appreciate your perspective on alcohol. It sounds like you have very valid reasons for your aversion to alcohol due to your past experiences. Many people have similar feelings and experiences, and it's essential to acknowledge and respect their choices and feelings surrounding alcohol.
Remember that everyone's relationship with alcohol is personal and can vary greatly. What works for one person may not work for another. The most important thing is to make choices that align with your values and what makes you feel comfortable and safe.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and watching the video. If you have any more questions or comments, feel free to share them. Your input is valuable. 😊
It is ,it’s poison
There is no such thing as safe amounts of alcohol
It’s POISON, no one should drink anything
it's painful to admit but I'm dating a highly functional alcoholic:( it's all very sad
Sorry to hear this.
I stayed with my ex for 3 years and he stopped drinking but I still had to leave him. Issue is not just alcohol. There are other things you are not seeing. This topic only gets worse overtime and will suck the life out of you the longer you stay because you love him. Good luck.
@@Lemthepoetofficial thanks for sharing, sorry to hear what you have been through.
@@dr.beckyspelman thank u 🥺
Im trying to break free from a New Lady 9 weeks and now she is on a 12 day binge blaming me for her troubles, i have blocked her. She will find a way to message me, begging me to talk with her . im a damn fool. why am i feeling guilty? im not the one drinking, I did not buy her Alcohol, and I know I can not help . I do not drink do not use no drugs I do not smoke . we Met when she was sober .
I just ended a 5 month relationship with a woman who exhibited the same behaviors...SPOT on, great work...Thank You!!
This explains the person I dated in a nut shell!! When I gave him a second chance and I decided to disappear the second time he took no accountability, it was as if he wasn’t aware that he was the reason for our arguments. I decided to leave for my own sanity, he was so mentally gone arguing with him would be like arguing with an air mattress.
Hi Dr Spelman. Thank you very much for posting this video. I cannot prove that my loved one is drinking but she wakes up every morning and appears depressed. We cannot go for breakfast or do anything. Around lunch time she is normal and conversations seem normal, finances, politics, hobbies etc. Plans for travel or for the weekend. Around 5 pm the negativity begins. I'm walking on constant egg shells and everything I say she replies with a condescending tone. I believe you are right, I'm addicted to helping her. I wish I knew for certain it is the alcohol. She showers once per week, doesn't do her hair anymore. Won't exercise. She seems to turn everything I talk about into a negative for example. The property manager mentioned that fence sanding and painting will resume this thursday. She will immediately say something like. "Well being that you payed him to give you this information on a stat holiday just costs you more money". How about a walk today? It is raining she will say....I could go on forever Dr Spelman. Thank you for your time tonight.
The behaviors you're describing, such as morning depression, mood swings, neglect of personal care, and negative interactions, could indeed be signs of alcohol misuse or other underlying issues.
While it's natural to want to help and support your loved one, it's also important to take care of yourself and set boundaries to maintain your own well-being. Seeking guidance from a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide you with strategies to navigate this situation and support both yourself and your loved one effectively.
Remember, you're not alone, and there are resources and support available to help you through this challenging time. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for help when needed.
@@dr.beckyspelman Hi Dr Spelman, Thank you for your reply. Since writing this it has been a tough 2 weeks as I love Caitlin so much. I have joined Ala Non which has helped as I've felt so alone and have set firm boundaries. I have had to keep distant from her inc only texting in the mornings as it has been so abusive. Finally after 3 years I'm feeling some snipets of freedom. I will keep following your work. Thank you so much❤
I am in a relationship with a high functioning alcoholic and he wants to get married. I absolutely dislike his drinking. I discovered the he wakes up and drinks, then he will drink a lot of water. He tries to hide it by having mini bottles. I can always tell when he is drunk because he keeps asking the same questions over. Once he comes down then he either wants to argue or be intimate. I have been avoiding him a lot because I no longer want to be with him.
This video helped me so much! I now have clarity, understanding and I know what to do. Thank you much ! ❤
This video really opened my mind. I dated a ex narcissist alcoholic gf who is now going through AA 6 months ago. All 13 points checked. Still healing from trauma bond
I’m so sorry to hear this.
Wow, seems like alcoholics exhibit the same behavior as narcissists.
Some of the same behaviours yes.
Some narcissists are alcoholic too. But when you know one that it's both, you can spot some points that is from the narcissist behavior and others from the alcoholism problem.
Most of them are…
Omg ~ yes this is so true.. lots of denial from the narcissist in my life, explains the defensiveness, talking in circles and no accountability ever over the past 18 years. This explains all of the inappropriate behavior.. loads of no concern for others. 😢
Thank you so so so much I needed that ❤
Thank you for the video and putting time and effort into it
Thank you, I’m just so glad someone found it useful.
Good lord you’re nailing it
My husband is an alcoholic, Im unsure of what to do. He admitted to me he was going through brown outs, please forgive me Im still trying to educate myself, whilst supporting this amazing man I have been given. He’s such a kind person inside and out, however while he’s intoxicated he’s not there, he isn’t mean, he tends to be a little moody, but never mean to me or our girls. He’s a blue collar man that works 16 days straight, a Sunday a month off. He takes care of every responsibility, he shows up to every function our kids have, I have, unless he’s working, but every day he drinks as soon as he gets off, and he doesn’t stop. I pray for him, guide him, never shame him, care for any needs he has, I love this man, he is my partner, but I don’t know what to do
It gets bad..the progression of the disease gets worse! Get out!!!
Paul Mckenna videos here on TH-cam do help with releasing or overcoming some things. Please give him a go.
Aren’t alcoholics narcissists as well? Seems to be a lot of overlap here. I know my ex husband was both. ❤️🖤❤️
There is a lot of overlap.
Not necessarily. I do have an alcohol problem but very far from being a narcissist
A lot of people who have alcoholism have narcissistic traits but not all
Great video! I liked the video clips. Often been sending people party photos, to alert some beginner drinkers, that’s it’s really gross and ugly to watch them do this.
I think his feelings of love were really need. I love you means I need you. It’s an inward love…what you bring to the table for them.
My ex husband of 18 years was violent when he drank. His drunken rampages scared our children. One of our children had Cystic Fibrosis and spent much time in hospital. He once turned up at the children's ward drunk and made a show of himself. My children were nearly put on at risk register because I stayed so long with his abusive.
Sadly I lost my daughter to CF in 2008. I eventually left my now ex husband. I met a singer songwriter who unfortunately was an alcoholic too but was a creative spirit. That lasted 5 yrs. My recent relationship he was a great guy & in recovery. I miss him but I think perhaps us parting was for the best.
You are right about all of this,but in the end of the day it ain’t worth it
My brother is a chronic alcoholic never been to a AA meeting and never admittrd to himself or anyone else he is one. Absolute nightmare to deal with. I have cut him out of my life altogether.
This hit me so hard. I tried to make it work with her, but in the end, all it did was destroy me. I should have left earlier, but I didn't realize it was that bad....
Sadly, i can see where BOTH! of us have either of these issues listed.
Thank you for making me more aware.
MsL
Melbourne
Australia
😔🙏🙏🙏☕️
Sad I didn’t see all these signs in the beginning of my relationship of 13 years. It’s becoming difficult to get out.
You got this!!! Get out. It only gets worse
This is so true, thanks for validating the experience of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Never again.
My advice to anyone - if you see the signs early, walk away. Run if you have to. There are healthier people in the world. Don't waste years waiting around for them to fix themselves.
Here because my fiance admitted he has a problem last night after hiding it from me for the last several years. Heartbroken and confused as to how I could have missed all this.
I am so thankful for this Video. It was really a great help for me. Because it adressed the very points I needed to know and the sitiations I observed.
Thank you so very much!
Listening to all of these is so heartbreaking because I see these in my partner so much time I think I’m wasting on him and it so hard to try and walk away. 😢
Recognizing the signs of a problematic relationship can be incredibly challenging, especially when you care deeply for your partner. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide you with the guidance and strength you need to make the best decisions for yourself. Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Take care of yourself.
Wow.... Thank you for this video. 🙏🏽💙
This is very accurate!
Thank you Dr. Becky.
You are welcome!
Well said , I made a mistake . I never knew he was alcoholic . After live in , he abuse me whenever he gets drunk. He didn't even let me stay in peace even for few seconds when he gets drunk . I'm still going through rough time ever imagine to the point I wana die . Whoever is reading this please don't involve yourself with abusive drunkard person. It's really though and worst life ever. I'm unable to get out of it because he threatened me and manipulate me everytime I try to move on
GET HELP!!!!! Ask a friend to help you get out!!!!
You need to go to a shelter for abused woman asap!
I just broke up with him. He’s an alcoholic, it’s no real secret. He made some terrible decisions throughout our time together, which made me anxious, depressed, and it broke my trust. He love bombed me, I thought I loved him. I had to leave him.
This describes my marriage
Left an 18 month relationship with a girl. My drinking went downhill fast when I met her. We would argue over the bottle. I chose sobriety January 1st and she kept drinking. Got to the point where I had to call police on her for suicidal threats and her calling my employer screaming at them. She was so negative all the time. Calling off work, getting fired, skipping college classes. Just sadness, depression, resentment, anger. I had to let her go and get on with a new life. The only thing I hope for her is that she hits rock bottom because that’s what it takes. I hope she doesn’t drag anyone else’s life down with hers, and takes some type of sabbatical into treatment but I doubt she will since she loves the blame game and playing the victim
Wow! He didn’t have all of this, but definitely many of them.
I'm sorry to hear that you've encountered some concerning behaviors in your relationship. If you have any questions or need guidance on how to proceed, feel free to share more details or seek support from friends, family, or professionals who can provide valuable insights and advice. Your well-being and happiness are important, and it's essential to prioritize them in any relationship.
Trying to tell if someone in New Orleans is an alcoholic is hard!!
I’m currently dating one and struggling to explain to him that I’m bothered by his behaviour when he’s drinking. He thinks I just need to “chill” and be “cool” about it. How can I relax when I’m being embarrassed all the time and being talked to incoherently?? It’s torture. Now I get panic attacks when I think about an event in the future where he’s gonna be drinking.
Stop dating him now. You cannot convince him. I finally left after 17 years. Don't be me.
Leave!
It won’t change. I finally had enough after 6 years. Took years for me to understand what was really going on and how addiction contributed to the behavior.
Get out now!!!!
very very difficult to have a relationship with a alcoholic. not only during the drinking but the recovery and relapsing . i am addicted to her but not the behaviours . they definitely hook up with other people. i’ve experienced everything that one can think of . it’s heartbreaking. you will spend hours on phones all your resources and you lose yourself worth . it’s truly not worth it unless your millionaire that can sit and wait all day and watch .
Oh wow, almost all these points relate to my year long relationship. Ouch.
I keep getting into relationships only to discover later that they are an alcoholic, why does this keep happening and how do I stop it?
Sounds like codependency too.
I just left my clinical psychologist girlfriend, a bottle after work everyday was normal and she chose wine over our relationships future!
My partner was an alcoholic and I found some of this hit the spot and some of it didn’t. We have split now
On point 👌
I’ve been sober about a year and a half. I hit a lot of these when I was drinking. I’m so thankful that my girlfriend stuck around and got to be with the real me. I’m going to ask her to marry me next month and I promise you that wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t quit drinking. I was never physically or verbally abusive…. I more just hated myself more than anything haha. We’re both much happier now that I’m sober! I also don’t dwell on my past alcohol problems. We have booze In the house and I’ll still go out to the bar with her a for drinks. I just stick to NA options
Congratulations! Could you please share with us what has helped keep you sober?
Just met the woman of my dreams online a few days ago and I found out she has some arrests for DUI in at least 2 states. She is love-bombing the hell out of me and I like it, but I don't trust it. Your video is valuable because I will be on the lookout for the transition point and the other behaviors you detailed. I don't have high expectations for a long term relationship with her, but I plan to enjoy it as long as it remains enjoyable.
It's wise of you to approach the situation with caution and a clear understanding of the potential red flags. Trust is an essential foundation in any relationship, and being aware of the behaviors associated with addiction issues, as discussed in the video, can help you navigate this new connection more effectively.
If you ever have questions or need further insights along the way, don't hesitate to seek advice or support.
Wishing you the best in your journey and your pursuit of a fulfilling, enjoyable relationship. 😊🌟
Please don’t make the mistake of going with the flow like me. I am sucked into a whole whirlpool of drama and now reeling with the aftermath. Now I am asking myself why did I let so many things slide which i would never tolerate otherwise.
They are a whirlpool and entire roller coaster and honestly it is best to leave it alone completely unless you are ready to strap in for the ride of your life
@@happyceratops I'm in the same boat as you. I feel you!
Leave, you are wasting your time...
OMG - you have basically described my current GF - I am no saint tbh - i am an alcohlic too, i admit it. She hits 8 of 13 - i hit 9.......geez
These poor souls God please help them become regulated and honest in Jesus name amen ❤ great video the projection is real how alcoholic and narcissistic people flip the script and make you crazy. Deliverance is needed!!!🙏🥰✨on both sides from that mess and thank you Jesus for delivering me from the nonsense ❤🎉❤ fake life fake love 💗
I'm glad to hear that you found support and deliverance from a challenging situation. Seeking emotional well-being and recognizing toxic dynamics can be a significant step toward healing. Continue focusing on your own growth and fostering healthy relationships. If you ever need further support or guidance, consider reaching out to friends, family, or mental health professionals. Wishing you continued strength and positive growth on your journey. 🌟✨
i feel for a 48 year old alcoholic woman. i’m 60 . in the 2.5 years of knowing her she would hook up with younger men and x boyfriends . the lies and dysfunctional behaviour was overwhelming. i sailed away with my dog to another country. i stayed in touch but the debasing behaviour continues . she went to rehab abs met a 35 guy there recovering from meth . she was to come here once completed . this was only days ago . Told her this is to painful and lots to process. i’m tired scared to bring her now . she knows how to play me . i can’t have sex with again as it has no meaning to you plus your still drinking. i won’t she said . i’m not a rehab i said and had her on my last yacht abs it was a nightmare. i’m irish and to soft and care about humanity. my family are worried
What happened after?
I'm a guy, I'm 20 years old, and I already have an alcohol addiction. I drink a lot of beer with my neighbor from the hostel, and I understand that this is wrong, but I can't do anything about it, I'm very exhausted by studying;)
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with alcohol addiction. It's important to recognize that seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are resources available to support you in overcoming this challenge. Here are a few suggestions:
Acknowledge the Issue:
Acknowledging that you have a concern with alcohol is the first step. It's important to be honest with yourself about the impact it may be having on your life.
Talk to Someone:
Share your concerns with a trusted friend, family member, or someone you feel comfortable talking to. Opening up about your struggles can be a crucial step in getting support.
Seek Professional Help:
Consider reaching out to a mental health professional or addiction counselor. They can provide guidance, support, and strategies to help you manage and overcome your addiction.
Explore Support Groups:
Attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings or other support groups. Being around people who have faced similar challenges can provide valuable insights and encouragement.
Set Realistic Goals:
Start by setting small, achievable goals. Gradually reducing your alcohol intake or setting specific limits can be a realistic first step.
Build a Support System:
Surround yourself with people who encourage healthy habits and positive behavior. This can make a significant difference in your efforts to overcome addiction.
Take Care of Your Well-Being:
Focus on self-care, including proper nutrition, exercise, and sufficient sleep. These factors can positively impact your overall well-being.
Explore Healthy Coping Mechanisms:
Identify alternative ways to cope with stress and exhaustion. This might include engaging in hobbies, practicing mindfulness, or finding activities that bring you joy without the need for alcohol.
It is important to also consider professional help, you can contact the clinic: theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/
@@dr.beckyspelman Thank you
Yep sounds like my husband of 32 years 😢
Does finish the entire Hennessy on every weekend and chase it with alcoholic beverages considered being an alcoholic? Does drinking alcoholic beverages such as truly and white claws daily considered being an alcoholic? My spouse doesn’t think it is. He always throw it back in face by saying I get up and go to work so I’m not. I don’t drink so to me this is excessive but I don’t know. He always said I’m stiff and I need to chill and relax and take the edge off.
what about beers every day? it's a social thing so people think is OK, but 5-6 beers every day is not a norm for me, although he doesn't lose his job and can still do his duties, he does get a bit rude to me and it hurts me
They won't change, just left a relationship with this same dilemma. She didn't know what to do with her life but drink. When you bring it up this created more heavy drinking. After 3 years I had to cut the cord. Sad but Alcoholism is a very wicked disease. I had to save myself and go. Best decision I made, I quit drinking for her to show her it's possible but it did nothing.
I hate alcohol
I don't think they intentionally gaslight, they can't remember what happened.
Good point
They absolutely do it intentionally. My x told me to "take accountability" for our relationship struggles not 10 seconds after I said that I have issues, too (past trauma, depression). This was at 10 am, not a time when he was drinking. They gaslight 24/7.
I drank whiskey nearly daily for 22 years, although it was only at home. After losing my driver's license because of drunkenness, I stopped drinking alcohol completely without a single therapy. I feel and sleep better. Of course, I have my driver's license after about one year again. Still, I will never drink alcohol again. If the police had not taken it away from me, I don't think that I would have ever stopped drinking alcohol
Just broke up ( he actually broke up with me bc of something he thinks I did) with a functioning alcoholic I feel like he’s getting worse after 1 1/2 years
He’s also has narcissistic traits - the love bombing
Telling me he loved me too soon gaslighting etc
even if he got sober, I think he would still be a jerk
He ruined his marriage and now our relationship thank God I was only in it for a year and a half off and on
He’s told me that he knows he needs to quit drinking & does nothing to get help
Yes he NEVER owns up to the crappy behavior! & doesn’t remember the next day & blames me !
All narcissistic traits !
It’s terrible ! 😢
Oh my God, trying to talk to him about how he’s feeling ! NOPE !
This is my EX to a T !
Thank you for your video !❤
Yes very painful
OMG! I could have written this except I was in it for 6 years.
What i think is funny is that a lot of what you say is true. At the same time this is all a hypothetical situation and you already know that there are so many people that will read from their own perspective and believe the same. I think this is going to negatively affect a few relationships
What about the introverted alcoholic that doest drink with people?
You are good 👍
hi Dr. Becky i find your information so right my partner lift me and my Daughter about two weeks ago who is a alcoholic and has not contacted me to see her daughter Do you think see will contact to see her at some point ?
What to do if the alcoholism of the person you're dating seems mild, like they only drink on weekends?
Right away, It sounds like you are talking about "NARCISSISM"
Most people who suffer from addiction where there is alcohol drugs are narcissist they don’t care how it affects other people. They only care about how it affects them. It’s a selfish disease and most narcissist are addicts and alcoholics because they have no emotions they’ve got to create them with drugs and alcohol.