Forgetting about the abuse is not the key to healing, it’s about not letting it define me anymore. It’s about having the ability to find joy despite the pain, and to keep pushing forward.
its so hard, people who didnt grow up like this will never know what it feels like to not have a safe place, or someone whos always in your corner,, these videos have helped me so much, as im sure they have for you.. Merry Christmas
I went no contact with my narc mother recently after a lifetime of abuse. The peace I've felt from not having to deal with her invalidation and gaslighting is immeasurable, and I am arguably doing so much better. But it's still so much more painful than I thought it would be. I would have liked it to be different but I had to choose myself.
I feel you! Odds are you aren’t “arguably” better but actually better! This is how I feel at least. Actually better without the chaos! Great job, keep going!
It gets easier & eventually you’ll forget her birthday, feel no need to attend her funeral or think of her as anything other than your biological mother
My One...is my childhood favorite aunt! I remember my "mother" accused her of something shady (which was not true) but then she was gone! I was a child, alone with her! Even if I did have siblings. I hadn't seen my aunt for over 30 yrs. While being introduced to the concept of Narcissistic/Toxic abuse...I don't fully remember how she reconnected (that's hazy) But I do remember it was at The time when my whole world was imploding and yet again my "mother" was spewing venom! (What she did best!) Crying to her, my aunt had told me why she left. And how malicious, cruel, and controlling my "mother" showed up in her life...and she saw what that woman was doing to me!! I wasn't crazy!! Dots are now somewhat connecting and I thank my aunt for believing me!!
Thank you. The 'indifference' in itself felt as if I'd lost my heart and ability to love, a hardening. The outside world not understanding. It was so difficult to experience indifference - it was as if something inside me died. I never thought indifference would ever come. The fight inside me took a decade for family and 4 yrs for my ex. The wrestle, confusion, pain and disbelief nearly broke me. It did break me. The old me. Desperate for indifference. One day it just appears, silently and coldly like waking up to a snow fall over night. I couldn't force indifference. I couldn't make it happen. I thought I'd be stuck in the overwhelming pain and rumination forever. Indifference brings clarity, like being ejected from horror film that wouldn't end.
Bingo!! Been 3 years for me and FINALLY starting to get myself back. I went 65 years without a betrayal and never dreamed I'd have to live through anything so painful. It still exists but slowly the ruminating and anger is subsiding. It is hell on earth!
When you’re in a relationship with these people, it feels like they’re more involved and caring about other people’s lives more than their own. That’s why other people love them, they neglect their immediate family to play Dr.Phil to these people. Their excuse is they’ve known the person for a long time and want to be their friend, but the truth is they’re never going to give their friends real advice and will continue to enable them because they love the power of damaged people coming to them for advice.
I appreciate everything you do, Dr. Ramani. You really helped me through a very hard time in my life. You helped me understand my ex and why she is the way she is. That has greatly helped me move on after she discarded me for her boss, whom she cheated with. I spent 15 years with her cheating over and over again, belittling me, financially ruining us, physically attacking me, etc. I was pretty crazy by the end. I'm just now becoming my old self after 2 years separated and 1.5 years divorced. That is in large part due to you and what you do. So, again, thank you and bless you!
Going NC w/ a narcissist society is really hard. Mistrust keeps us safer from scammers, narcissists, politicians, n others. N there r just so many of them, n they r held up as idols. N then e enablers n flying monkeys come out 2 defend monsters. Grief n betrayal: that's what we get 2 learn 2 deal with, among other things. Much love n support 4 all of u. Thank u 4 sharing.
Exactly it makes it very hard, but now you know exactly who the real ones are and are not. Real people aren’t flying monkeys, real people aren’t Narcs. Real people are caring and empathetic and want the best for you. Anything else in my opinion is fake bs, the key for me is sitting in my knowledge and power and stiff arming losers out my dam way. Good luck, you have no idea how strong you are to stand up in the current of world you described. Good job, keep going!!! You deserve happiness, contentment peace and passion. Enjoy it, you are one step closer to freedom every day.
I absolutely needed this video. I'm in the process of stopping everything I do to make my NH's life easier. No more dinners, no more doing his laundry,.. I refuse to be mistreated.
Keep going! Two and a half years and going. It is over! Couldn’t have done it without intensive therapy though. Thank God for my family and lifelong friends❤
@Lailat854 It's so hard. My naturally empathetic self is feeling so overwhelmingly guilty. But something in me, whether it's God's discernment or my body simply being unable to take it anymore, is awakening. I'm putting my foot down and telling the empath in me it's time to look out for myself, NOT for him. All I have is God and my kids.
I was talking to people in a Facebook group for people with elderly narcissistic parents and I said I feel like I need to check on my mom because she lives alone and is 91 and it seems wrong not to look out for her because my only sibling lives 1,000 miles away. They said something very wise. They said, "She didn't treat you right when you were a child. You have no obligation to take care of her or help her in any way given what she did to you. You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself from further harm. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR CUTTING YOUR MOM OFF, EVEN IF SHE IS IN HER 90s."
What sucks even more about "getting along to just go along" is when state/court get involved. I have things that you have to participate in even when you KNOW its just a waste of time. Have to switch your mindset and instead see it as I am doing these things for my child, not for the narc. Its hard, not going to lie, but its not a lie. My child deserves a good, calm and safe childhood. So if I can do these things to make sure I provide that for my child, then it seems like it's more than worth it.
And feelings of guilt for having going no contact plague my mind, especially along the holidays. My mother ruined every holiday I had & yet my mind still makes me feel terrible for letting her go. I'm a grandmother and I still struggle. I suppose I will feel like this for a long time but I understand trauma bonding, and abuse have a bond as strong as crazyglue, but my mental health is more important and the ability to function is essential!! Along with helping stop the self-loathing that was taught by the horrible narrsist that was my mother. So sad 💔🥀💪hugs to all of us who are on the healing journey 🫂
Going no contact sure wasn’t easy. I made the decision at 22, I’ll turn 36 this Friday 😊 I definitely felt the emptiness of not belonging to a family and I sadly turned to maladaptive coping mechanisms to get through it, but that obviously didn’t help. Going no contact meant going no contact with my three older siblings too, and that’s the part that hurts me most, even today. However, when I look at my siblings it’s obvious that still being in contact with our parents is eating them alive. Sometimes the hardest decision is the best decision, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Still, it’s something I did for myself and I don’t regret it.
Good for you. I wish I had done that when I was young. I remained in a relationship with my narcissistic mom because otherwise I would not have seen my brother on holidays. It was just us two and he was the favorite. She rarely yelled at him, but she screamed at me constantly for no reason. I was tense all the time and by college I had an anxiety disorder. I also had such low self-esteem that I hardly talked to anyone. I was painfully shy. I mean when your own mom doesn't like you, it's hard to believe that anyone will. The worst part is that after 59 years of putting up with bad treatment by mom, now my brother has turned on me and is "offended" by things that I did 20-50 years ago. He never told me at the time and then one day, he dumps it all on me and says we're no longer siblings. If I had known that he was going to do that, I would have cut ties with my family at age 29 when I got married. I would have saved myself from 30 years of abuse if I had cut ties then. So don't keep your narcissistic parent in your life in order to have a relationship. Your siblings saw how you were treated and if they're worth having in your life they will still have a relationship with you. If they choose to cut ties with you when you cut ties with a narcissistic parent, then you are better off without them. Because that sibling is probably a narcissist too. When my mother got to be 88, it was as if she forget what an angry, hateful person she had always been. She started being very loving to me. It was wonderful, but I think that's why my brother turned on me. He was used to getting all of Mom's love and he didn't want to share her with me. So he treated me so badly that I refuse to see Mom on holidays when he is with her. He's in his mid-sixties, has never had more than 5 dates with anyone because Mom is the number 1 person in his life. He molded himself into exactly what she wanted him to be and now she's 91 and very forgetful and kind of confused and I think he now realizes that he has no identity without her. So when she dies, he will be alone except for me. But he has pushed me away. He has already started making his friend and his friend's wife into a separate family for himself for once Mom's gone. His friend is one of those people who think they're an expert on everything and his friend is always giving him unasked for advice. When Mom is gone, my brother will no longer have her to tell him what to do and he doesn't know how to make decisions and so he's already starting to do what his friend tells him to do. His friend is a jerk who cut off his sister and I think he persuaded my brother to do the same. When mom asks my brother why he and I no longer have a relationship, he says he has no idea. He told me I was no longer his sister! But he wants her to think I'm the problem. I was the family scapegoat. So i was blamed for everything that was wrong with our family even though I was the youngest person in our house. Sorry this is so long, but if this helps 1 person to avoid a lifetime of pain, then it's worth the time it took to write this. I don't want anyone to reach age 50 or 60 and then regret not cutting ties at 25 or 30. Please don't waste decades of your life like I did. You deserve to be treated well and to be loved. You will find friends and significant others who will love you and never cause you emotional pain intentionally. You deserve that and you deserve it NOW. Not 10 years or 30 years from now! I still don't make new friends easily. I ended up with such bad depression from my childhood that I was so messed up that I could barely take care of myself. I didn't have kids because my depression was so bad that I could barely function and on my worst days I wouldn't have had anything of myself to give to a child. But it's very lonely when you are 50 or older because my friends not only have kids, they all have grandkids too. It's not the same to only see adults on Christmas. My husband and living in-laws are all 5-10 years older than me. So I may outlive them all.
Oh, and get this. Mom told my husband that she will go talk to my therapist if that will help me get better. Because she is sure that I am the one to blame for my brother and I no longer having a relationship! My husband told me when I was 59, that each time we were with Mom and my brother on holidays, the second I headed to the bathroom, my brother and Mom would go into the kitchen and talk smack about me. Saying I was odd, difficult, messed up, weird, etc. Like a couple of kindergartners calling someone names. For the first few years that I was married, Mom treated me really well and I thought things had changed. But the first few times my husband wasn't present she treated me as poorly as always. We were probably married for 5-10 years before she started acting like her true self in front of my husband. Seeing how well she treated me when my husband or mother-in-law were present showed me she knew that the way she treated me was wrong and that she knew that how she treated me would make her look bad to others.
A almost committed the unthinkable😥 I never knew because I was isolated by family and friends, my “spouse/caregiver” was neglecting me. I’m living with the aftermath of this separation 6 weeks since I left to stat with family, while myriad apartment Was getting ready. My NARC was also redirecting my psychiatrist on my constant depression. Now my NARC is holding my son from visiting me. 16 Jan 🤞is court hearing
I went no contact with her (the person who birthed me) March 2 2024. Sometimes my emotions are overwhelming yet it gets better every day and most days l feel more peace than all the negative emotions. Soon it'll be one year.
same, its not your fault, and youre missing something you never had... when I realized she didnt care, I stopped feeling bad about not caring about the relationship either.
@AbelLeba-tb7lg I'm realizing now the relationship I had with her I made up in my head. I chose to block all the things she did and said to me growing up and only now that I'm healing I'm starting to remember, I now know it wasn't normal. I hope you heal too and I hope you surround yourself with people and pets that love you 🙏🏽❤️
I understand how you feel when you refer to your mother as the one who birth you. I would refer to my husband as to the person I was legally married to, because he was NOT a husband
Thank you, This video addressed all the thoughts and questions I had been asking myself, indifference I'm not there, after 17 months, I have gone completely no contact,radically accepted who and what it is, divorced it, almost completed the legal battle of property settlement. Flashbacks about all the shitty abusive things the narc did do to me that I know about, one flashback in particular, where that narc is saying to me "Im not ruining your life" in that creepy child voice while he is looking into a cupboard not at me, there are others I'll never know what it meant, perhaps the narc said things like this to keep me trapped mentally. I show up to work with completing a full working week pretty often, I can laugh and laugh out loud, I still don't cry that much it might be a thing that I'll keep working on to be able to have a few more cry's , I yell violently out loud making statements about what a disgusting creature it is, also I tell myself I forgive myself for putting up with more than I ever should of, 25 years there is a lot of abusive in a time frame of 25years I didn't know it was abuse until the minute I did know, then it was a screaming crashing bang thud , that unknowingly I beat him to the discard, just by finding the word narcissist and watching researching videos like yours and other's, some therapy it's not easy finding a good therapist I'm still on the look out. Journalling sometimes, walking sometimes, guided meditation, following all the suggested healing steps, including white sage smudge setting intentions, it just a lot, a lot. I do forgive myself , I do get angry with myself , I can smile be kind to myself. Im doing the work, mindfullness like reading can assist me with anxiety . I have a small circle of immediate family members and friends and grandchildren. I'm very grateful to them and then my work family. Just keep on going, 😊 is all I can do. Xx
Your videos have helped me so much in the times I've needed them dr ramni.. Its nice to know i dont need to do anyrhing huge for meaning and purpose. Just being me and being the best version of myself is meaning and purpose. You have no idea how good that makes me feel. Becuase I was struggling so much with finding purpose. When in fact thats what I've been doing all along. ❤
That is sooo true that it only takes one person to support you! I could see the situation so much more clearly. I don't doubt myself or intuition of this narcisist phenomenon. I reciprocate support to this person. They know what it's like.
Brick walls do not move, and don't be surprised to hear the same reaction as what you have heard before. What you know about someone, don't let upset you time and time again, otherwise we become the manipulators. Manipulating so hope can remain. Radically accept that leaving is healthy.
And when the brick wall is as fragile as a narc you better be careful poking around or the wall will crash on top of you! Raining bricks out there, be careful!!
When I decided I’d had enough and told them so, my family made the no-contact official. This led to losing people I cared about and loved. I’ve accepted it, but I didn’t realize the extent of the collateral damage. Now, only one family member talks to me, and she’s extremely arrogant. I just use her for bits of information.. Every holiday season, I retreat into hermit mode. It hurts to see families gathered around the Christmas tree, knowing my old family is enjoying themselves while I’m left out in the cold
1) if you love love from a distance 2) so you really miss the *appearances* of healthy interaction? 3) make your own holidays with a new circle. Even God left His ‘family of origin’ behind and formed a new circle. That’s why we celebrate Christmas not Hanukkah.
If I had taken the time to set up all these support systems before I left my narcissistic family I would probably still be there. I just jumped. I’d had enough one day and I said screw this and I left.
6 years out of my 30+ year marriage to a narcissistic personality, and life is so good…but I have to admit I would still feel a little bit of schadenfreude if karma bit him in the butt, I guess that is a human trait.
I went no contact with my family of origin 5 years ago and I ended up having to cut off all of my old childhood friends too because their parents still spoke to mine. So now I have no social support network.
If you're recovering from narcisstic abuse, the rest of your life can be the best of your life. I'm putting all my efforts into making sure of that and so far it's been amazing! When the grief comes up, I sit with it, but with discipline, I give it less and less time, redirect my mind to what I'm building going forward. Intention is a powerful thing.
No longer a rodeo clown. Ain't that the truth! I ended my marriage and a few years later, at the ripe old age of 48, he passed on. Hello my frenemy, Guilt! I can't say my ex-partner was a narcissist, but he did have some difficult personality traits. A rodeo clown, I was, behind the scenes begging and cajoling him out of foul moods so that he wouldn't ruin a gathering. When I stopped the circus role, others were indeed exposed to his behavior, as you said. It was such a RELIEF that others finally saw what I was dealing with.
Wow ..recently separated from NH after 30 years together and I have been fighting with myself, worried that I was pushing the family against him and being the manipulator…I have guilt. Your words reminded me that not being the one in between and keeping the calm …being the rodeo clown, does not mean I am manipulating when everyone sees him for who he is. Thank you 🙏 Dr Ramani, thank you for all your help. It still amazes me that these traits are so consistent in people that your examples sound like you were in my living room watching. Now to stop ruminating and forgive myself for not seeing the patterns I was not taught to see. Merry Christmas everyone and be kind to yourselves ❤
The "one person" idea really made me believe that I need an external person to safely attach to, to heal. I didn't need to wait for that. I wish i hadn't waited for safety. Safety wasn't ever coming without me fighting for it. I'm the only one who can care if I am okay or not. People are still working to convince me that I am wrong for believing that I also deserve occasional happiness and peace, and taking actions towards that. I gave up trying to tell them why that opinion isn't relevant to me.
Narcissists are very sad people they are just monitoring and doing things..I cannot understand why they are just like this, what a systemic tool they use.
I really needed to hear this! Lately I've been struggling with this because i went no contact for over 10 years from my own family. I feel a great loss bc its my family even though i xan now breathe without them.... but i keep thinking i might be able to navigate a relationship with them again with all this new knowledge about narcs....but i still feel like i will suffocate if they come near me....
The seperation has been hard but i know the abuse was real and im on a healing journey..i still have to deal with him as he has not moved all his things out..but im just keeping it real with him not engaging just to get him to get his things out. Of course i have moments i think to have him come back..but i just remind myself how painful the abuse has been.
I have an empathic neighbor who seems to have gone from narc family to narc partners and now back in the family of narc and flying monkey clones. I won’t become HER supply tell her that nothing will change until she does.
Can’t change anyone else but yourself. Good job! Steer clear, in my experience anyone who cosigns messed up dynamics is adding fuel to fire and imo just as guilty as the perpetrator. They will subconsciously do messed up things. They think they deserve the abuse and have abuse and love all mixed up. Stockholm syndrome. They are ok with treating themselves like this, they will have no problem tearing you down any chance they get. Let them go down with the ship if thats what they choose. You are a survivor. Get yourself into a solid place before helping others. Even if that takes a few years, staying focused on your path is what you are here for. Great job, keep going!!!
It is always the worst time of the year for these people. My life is always hell during this time of the year and I hate it. It's making me hate Christmas. ☹️
@ I really hear you. I’ve put up my tree twice, I didn’t decorate it, but I’ve taken it down both times. It’s up 1 more time. If it doesn’t get decorated then at least it’s up. I’m too numb to do much more.
It drives me nuts my daughter narc friend always interferes with our relationship! This narc is dangerous and has so much control over my daughter. But I need financial help. But I can’t put up with this! Not today! I know to much about narcissism to put up with this!
Three years out a toxic, narcissistic, relationship. Still single due to my loss of trusting. How do you tell the difference between love bombing and someone just being nice??
So gifts make you in debt to them I’m in a weird relationship at the moment this person wants me to stay clean and fresh Keep my nails clean and filed likes to know when I work like I’m supposed to be at Bay on-call for him and then there is the mood swings They come out of nowhere, this person will be fine and loving and then all of a sudden he turns blames me
Any advice for dealing with someone with full blown clinical NPD comorbid with ASPD that hasn’t left me alone & tried to terrorize me for 17 years (multiple police reports, restraining orders, etc and they don’t deter her)? I’m at my wits end.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Dr Ramani soul sister I frickin LOVE ❤you! I hope you know that your education tactics on navigation DEEP technique RADICAL Acceptance knowledge understanding and learning through your personal therapy feeds my mind,body, and soul literally everyday helps me believe everything is going to be ok even though right now im NOT ok❤❤❤Thank you a million times over🙏🙏🙏🫵🙏🙏🙏
Forgetting about the abuse is not the key to healing, it’s about not letting it define me anymore. It’s about having the ability to find joy despite the pain, and to keep pushing forward.
❤
its so hard, people who didnt grow up like this will never know what it feels like to not have a safe place, or someone whos always in your corner,, these videos have helped me so much, as im sure they have for you.. Merry Christmas
Exactly! Us survivors are stronger than we ever thought. We just needed to believe it ourselves to push forward.
@AbelLeba-tb7lg Merry Christmas to you too 🎉
❤
Treating yourself better, is a good start.
Never stop telling yourself you are a good person and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
I look back and realize how far I have come and survived and that I can keep going. Just learning to trust myself not to fall in their deep pit.
Beautiful and very true. Keep going nobody is worth you silencing yourself or being small. ❤
Me too! Alone is better.❤
I went no contact with my narc mother recently after a lifetime of abuse. The peace I've felt from not having to deal with her invalidation and gaslighting is immeasurable, and I am arguably doing so much better. But it's still so much more painful than I thought it would be. I would have liked it to be different but I had to choose myself.
Proud of you 👏 . Taking care of yourself is the key.
I feel you! Odds are you aren’t “arguably” better but actually better! This is how I feel at least. Actually better without the chaos! Great job, keep going!
It gets easier & eventually you’ll forget her birthday, feel no need to attend her funeral or think of her as anything other than your biological mother
My One...is my childhood favorite aunt! I remember my "mother" accused her of something shady (which was not true) but then she was gone! I was a child, alone with her! Even if I did have siblings. I hadn't seen my aunt for over 30 yrs. While being introduced to the concept of Narcissistic/Toxic abuse...I don't fully remember how she reconnected (that's hazy) But I do remember it was at The time when my whole world was imploding and yet again my "mother" was spewing venom! (What she did best!) Crying to her, my aunt had told me why she left. And how malicious, cruel, and controlling my "mother" showed up in her life...and she saw what that woman was doing to me!! I wasn't crazy!! Dots are now somewhat connecting and I thank my aunt for believing me!!
Thank you. The 'indifference' in itself felt as if I'd lost my heart and ability to love, a hardening.
The outside world not understanding. It was so difficult to experience indifference - it was as if something inside me died.
I never thought indifference would ever come. The fight inside me took a decade for family and 4 yrs for my ex.
The wrestle, confusion, pain and disbelief nearly broke me. It did break me. The old me.
Desperate for indifference. One day it just appears, silently and coldly like waking up to a snow fall over night.
I couldn't force indifference. I couldn't make it happen. I thought I'd be stuck in the overwhelming pain and rumination forever.
Indifference brings clarity, like being ejected from horror film that wouldn't end.
Bingo!! Been 3 years for me and FINALLY starting to get myself back. I went 65 years without a betrayal and never dreamed I'd have to live through anything so painful. It still exists but slowly the ruminating and anger is subsiding. It is hell on earth!
My narc mother got caught putting me down by her friend who scolded her and stuck up for me. That was so validating.
When you’re in a relationship with these people, it feels like they’re more involved and caring about other people’s lives more than their own. That’s why other people love them, they neglect their immediate family to play Dr.Phil to these people. Their excuse is they’ve known the person for a long time and want to be their friend, but the truth is they’re never going to give their friends real advice and will continue to enable them because they love the power of damaged people coming to them for advice.
Sharing my story I'm talking with so many women that are in abusive relationships or have been.
I appreciate everything you do, Dr. Ramani. You really helped me through a very hard time in my life. You helped me understand my ex and why she is the way she is. That has greatly helped me move on after she discarded me for her boss, whom she cheated with.
I spent 15 years with her cheating over and over again, belittling me, financially ruining us, physically attacking me, etc. I was pretty crazy by the end. I'm just now becoming my old self after 2 years separated and 1.5 years divorced. That is in large part due to you and what you do. So, again, thank you and bless you!
Going NC w/ a narcissist society is really hard. Mistrust keeps us safer from scammers, narcissists, politicians, n others. N there r just so many of them, n they r held up as idols. N then e enablers n flying monkeys come out 2 defend monsters.
Grief n betrayal: that's what we get 2 learn 2 deal with, among other things. Much love n support 4 all of u. Thank u 4 sharing.
Exactly it makes it very hard, but now you know exactly who the real ones are and are not. Real people aren’t flying monkeys, real people aren’t Narcs. Real people are caring and empathetic and want the best for you. Anything else in my opinion is fake bs, the key for me is sitting in my knowledge and power and stiff arming losers out my dam way. Good luck, you have no idea how strong you are to stand up in the current of world you described. Good job, keep going!!! You deserve happiness, contentment peace and passion. Enjoy it, you are one step closer to freedom every day.
I absolutely needed this video. I'm in the process of stopping everything I do to make my NH's life easier. No more dinners, no more doing his laundry,.. I refuse to be mistreated.
Keep going! Two and a half years and going. It is over!
Couldn’t have done it without intensive therapy though.
Thank God for my family and lifelong friends❤
@Lailat854 It's so hard. My naturally empathetic self is feeling so overwhelmingly guilty. But something in me, whether it's God's discernment or my body simply being unable to take it anymore, is awakening. I'm putting my foot down and telling the empath in me it's time to look out for myself, NOT for him. All I have is God and my kids.
@@mkultraviolenc3that is all you need!
I was talking to people in a Facebook group for people with elderly narcissistic parents and I said I feel like I need to check on my mom because she lives alone and is 91 and it seems wrong not to look out for her because my only sibling lives 1,000 miles away. They said something very wise. They said, "She didn't treat you right when you were a child. You have no obligation to take care of her or help her in any way given what she did to you. You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself from further harm. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR CUTTING YOUR MOM OFF, EVEN IF SHE IS IN HER 90s."
Thankyou. This was excellent 👍
Thank you Dr Ramani! ❤ Merry Christmas!
What sucks even more about "getting along to just go along" is when state/court get involved. I have things that you have to participate in even when you KNOW its just a waste of time. Have to switch your mindset and instead see it as I am doing these things for my child, not for the narc. Its hard, not going to lie, but its not a lie. My child deserves a good, calm and safe childhood. So if I can do these things to make sure I provide that for my child, then it seems like it's more than worth it.
I hear you! Just work on getting emotionally and psychologically detached - for real! You can do this
Brilliant! Thank you so much! you should get a Nobel Prize! 👍❤
Agreed
And feelings of guilt for having going no contact plague my mind, especially along the holidays. My mother ruined every holiday I had & yet my mind still makes me feel terrible for letting her go. I'm a grandmother and I still struggle. I suppose I will feel like this for a long time but I understand trauma bonding, and abuse have a bond as strong as crazyglue, but my mental health is more important and the ability to function is essential!! Along with helping stop the self-loathing that was taught by the horrible narrsist that was my mother. So sad 💔🥀💪hugs to all of us who are on the healing journey 🫂
Good afternoon Dr. Ramani for your caring and sharing from Jamaica 🇯🇲👑🙌🙏. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Jah bless i n i 😊
Going no contact sure wasn’t easy. I made the decision at 22, I’ll turn 36 this Friday 😊
I definitely felt the emptiness of not belonging to a family and I sadly turned to maladaptive coping mechanisms to get through it, but that obviously didn’t help.
Going no contact meant going no contact with my three older siblings too, and that’s the part that hurts me most, even today.
However, when I look at my siblings it’s obvious that still being in contact with our parents is eating them alive.
Sometimes the hardest decision is the best decision, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Still, it’s something I did for myself and I don’t regret it.
Good for you. I wish I had done that when I was young. I remained in a relationship with my narcissistic mom because otherwise I would not have seen my brother on holidays. It was just us two and he was the favorite. She rarely yelled at him, but she screamed at me constantly for no reason. I was tense all the time and by college I had an anxiety disorder. I also had such low self-esteem that I hardly talked to anyone. I was painfully shy. I mean when your own mom doesn't like you, it's hard to believe that anyone will.
The worst part is that after 59 years of putting up with bad treatment by mom, now my brother has turned on me and is "offended" by things that I did 20-50 years ago. He never told me at the time and then one day, he dumps it all on me and says we're no longer siblings. If I had known that he was going to do that, I would have cut ties with my family at age 29 when I got married. I would have saved myself from 30 years of abuse if I had cut ties then. So don't keep your narcissistic parent in your life in order to have a relationship. Your siblings saw how you were treated and if they're worth having in your life they will still have a relationship with you. If they choose to cut ties with you when you cut ties with a narcissistic parent, then you are better off without them. Because that sibling is probably a narcissist too. When my mother got to be 88, it was as if she forget what an angry, hateful person she had always been. She started being very loving to me. It was wonderful, but I think that's why my brother turned on me. He was used to getting all of Mom's love and he didn't want to share her with me. So he treated me so badly that I refuse to see Mom on holidays when he is with her. He's in his mid-sixties, has never had more than 5 dates with anyone because Mom is the number 1 person in his life. He molded himself into exactly what she wanted him to be and now she's 91 and very forgetful and kind of confused and I think he now realizes that he has no identity without her. So when she dies, he will be alone except for me. But he has pushed me away. He has already started making his friend and his friend's wife into a separate family for himself for once Mom's gone. His friend is one of those people who think they're an expert on everything and his friend is always giving him unasked for advice. When Mom is gone, my brother will no longer have her to tell him what to do and he doesn't know how to make decisions and so he's already starting to do what his friend tells him to do. His friend is a jerk who cut off his sister and I think he persuaded my brother to do the same. When mom asks my brother why he and I no longer have a relationship, he says he has no idea. He told me I was no longer his sister! But he wants her to think I'm the problem. I was the family scapegoat. So i was blamed for everything that was wrong with our family even though I was the youngest person in our house. Sorry this is so long, but if this helps 1 person to avoid a lifetime of pain, then it's worth the time it took to write this. I don't want anyone to reach age 50 or 60 and then regret not cutting ties at 25 or 30. Please don't waste decades of your life like I did. You deserve to be treated well and to be loved. You will find friends and significant others who will love you and never cause you emotional pain intentionally. You deserve that and you deserve it NOW. Not 10 years or 30 years from now!
I still don't make new friends easily. I ended up with such bad depression from my childhood that I was so messed up that I could barely take care of myself. I didn't have kids because my depression was so bad that I could barely function and on my worst days I wouldn't have had anything of myself to give to a child. But it's very lonely when you are 50 or older because my friends not only have kids, they all have grandkids too. It's not the same to only see adults on Christmas. My husband and living in-laws are all 5-10 years older than me. So I may outlive them all.
Oh, and get this. Mom told my husband that she will go talk to my therapist if that will help me get better. Because she is sure that I am the one to blame for my brother and I no longer having a relationship! My husband told me when I was 59, that each time we were with Mom and my brother on holidays, the second I headed to the bathroom, my brother and Mom would go into the kitchen and talk smack about me. Saying I was odd, difficult, messed up, weird, etc. Like a couple of kindergartners calling someone names. For the first few years that I was married, Mom treated me really well and I thought things had changed. But the first few times my husband wasn't present she treated me as poorly as always. We were probably married for 5-10 years before she started acting like her true self in front of my husband. Seeing how well she treated me when my husband or mother-in-law were present showed me she knew that the way she treated me was wrong and that she knew that how she treated me would make her look bad to others.
A almost committed the unthinkable😥 I never knew because I was isolated by family and friends, my “spouse/caregiver” was neglecting me. I’m living with the aftermath of this separation 6 weeks since I left to stat with family, while myriad apartment Was getting ready. My NARC was also redirecting my psychiatrist on my constant depression. Now my NARC is holding my son from visiting me. 16 Jan 🤞is court hearing
I went no contact with her (the person who birthed me) March 2 2024. Sometimes my emotions are overwhelming yet it gets better every day and most days l feel more peace than all the negative emotions. Soon it'll be one year.
same, its not your fault, and youre missing something you never had... when I realized she didnt care, I stopped feeling bad about not caring about the relationship either.
@AbelLeba-tb7lg I'm realizing now the relationship I had with her I made up in my head. I chose to block all the things she did and said to me growing up and only now that I'm healing I'm starting to remember, I now know it wasn't normal.
I hope you heal too and I hope you surround yourself with people and pets that love you 🙏🏽❤️
I understand how you feel when you refer to your mother as the one who birth you. I would refer to my husband as to the person I was legally married to, because he was NOT a husband
@marjoriemurray4381 yes I don't even want call her that. I totally get you too. I'm sorry you went through that
Thank you, This video addressed all the thoughts and questions I had been asking myself, indifference I'm not there, after 17 months, I have gone completely no contact,radically accepted who and what it is, divorced it, almost completed the legal battle of property settlement. Flashbacks about all the shitty abusive things the narc did do to me that I know about, one flashback in particular, where that narc is saying to me "Im not ruining your life" in that creepy child voice while he is looking into a cupboard not at me, there are others I'll never know what it meant, perhaps the narc said things like this to keep me trapped mentally. I show up to work with completing a full working week pretty often, I can laugh and laugh out loud, I still don't cry that much it might be a thing that I'll keep working on to be able to have a few more cry's , I yell violently out loud making statements about what a disgusting creature it is, also I tell myself I forgive myself for putting up with more than I ever should of, 25 years there is a lot of abusive in a time frame of 25years I didn't know it was abuse until the minute I did know, then it was a screaming crashing bang thud , that unknowingly I beat him to the discard, just by finding the word narcissist and watching researching videos like yours and other's, some therapy it's not easy finding a good therapist I'm still on the look out. Journalling sometimes, walking sometimes, guided meditation, following all the suggested healing steps, including white sage smudge setting intentions, it just a lot, a lot. I do forgive myself , I do get angry with myself , I can smile be kind to myself. Im doing the work, mindfullness like reading can assist me with anxiety . I have a small circle of immediate family members and friends and grandchildren. I'm very grateful to them and then my work family. Just keep on going, 😊 is all I can do. Xx
Your videos have helped me so much in the times I've needed them dr ramni.. Its nice to know i dont need to do anyrhing huge for meaning and purpose. Just being me and being the best version of myself is meaning and purpose.
You have no idea how good that makes me feel. Becuase I was struggling so much with finding purpose. When in fact thats what I've been doing all along. ❤
That is sooo true that it only takes one person to support you! I could see the situation so much more clearly. I don't doubt myself or intuition of this narcisist phenomenon. I reciprocate support to this person. They know what it's like.
Brick walls do not move, and don't be surprised to hear the same reaction as what you have heard before. What you know about someone, don't let upset you time and time again, otherwise we become the manipulators. Manipulating so hope can remain. Radically accept that leaving is healthy.
And when the brick wall is as fragile as a narc you better be careful poking around or the wall will crash on top of you! Raining bricks out there, be careful!!
It has been a long and bumpy ride, but every day gets better and better. Thx Dr. R❤️
Amen. 61 years later....health is moving forward. 2 massage therapy sessions a month helps 😌 ☺️
Despite everything! Thank you Sister Dr Ramani ❤️🇬🇧
When I decided I’d had enough and told them so, my family made the no-contact official. This led to losing people I cared about and loved. I’ve accepted it, but I didn’t realize the extent of the collateral damage. Now, only one family member talks to me, and she’s extremely arrogant. I just use her for bits of information.. Every holiday season, I retreat into hermit mode. It hurts to see families gathered around the Christmas tree, knowing my old family is enjoying themselves while I’m left out in the cold
But are they enjoying themselves? Not truly.
@@deborahcarpanzano2584 Thank you, I've never thought of it that way. They're not enjoying themselves at all; it's just a happy façade.
you stepped out of the cold, so that a chance for a real warm future can exist.
@@AbelLeba-tb7lg Very true, thank you.
1) if you love love from a distance
2) so you really miss the *appearances* of healthy interaction?
3) make your own holidays with a new circle.
Even God left His ‘family of origin’ behind and formed a new circle. That’s why we celebrate Christmas not Hanukkah.
If I had taken the time to set up all these support systems before I left my narcissistic family I would probably still be there. I just jumped. I’d had enough one day and I said screw this and I left.
Exactly the same.
Yep same here, just now getting around to setting up the support network LOL if you can dodge a ball you dodge a wrench!
I went no contact with my mom I feel sooo good
SAME
my best friend was the one who finally saw my daughter with her mask removed. In that moment, she understood what I had been telling her was all true.
Thank you Dr.R
6 years out of my 30+ year marriage to a narcissistic personality, and life is so good…but I have to admit I would still feel a little bit of schadenfreude if karma bit him in the butt, I guess that is a human trait.
I went no contact with my family of origin 5 years ago and I ended up having to cut off all of my old childhood friends too because their parents still spoke to mine. So now I have no social support network.
Whats been hard is how the abuse affected my son after 18 years now 22 years old.
With your support for him anything is possible. He is blessed to have you as his mother. Great job, keep going!!
If you're recovering from narcisstic abuse, the rest of your life can be the best of your life. I'm putting all my efforts into making sure of that and so far it's been amazing! When the grief comes up, I sit with it, but with discipline, I give it less and less time, redirect my mind to what I'm building going forward. Intention is a powerful thing.
Don’t forget anxiety fear PTSD and anger sadness…it’s normal the key is controlling it before it controls you. Behind every lesson. Is a blessing!❤❤❤
I have been here since forever and healing is very difficult ... just one memory ruin a year progress.
No longer a rodeo clown. Ain't that the truth! I ended my marriage and a few years later, at the ripe old age of 48, he passed on. Hello my frenemy, Guilt! I can't say my ex-partner was a narcissist, but he did have some difficult personality traits. A rodeo clown, I was, behind the scenes begging and cajoling him out of foul moods so that he wouldn't ruin a gathering. When I stopped the circus role, others were indeed exposed to his behavior, as you said. It was such a RELIEF that others finally saw what I was dealing with.
Wow ..recently separated from NH after 30 years together and I have been fighting with myself, worried that I was pushing the family against him and being the manipulator…I have guilt. Your words reminded me that not being the one in between and keeping the calm …being the rodeo clown, does not mean I am manipulating when everyone sees him for who he is. Thank you 🙏
Dr Ramani, thank you for all your help. It still amazes me that these traits are so consistent in people that your examples sound like you were in my living room watching. Now to stop ruminating and forgive myself for not seeing the patterns I was not taught to see.
Merry Christmas everyone and be kind to yourselves ❤
The "one person" idea really made me believe that I need an external person to safely attach to, to heal. I didn't need to wait for that. I wish i hadn't waited for safety.
Safety wasn't ever coming without me fighting for it. I'm the only one who can care if I am okay or not. People are still working to convince me that I am wrong for believing that I also deserve occasional happiness and peace, and taking actions towards that. I gave up trying to tell them why that opinion isn't relevant to me.
If you can remember no one’s coming then you won’t want any longer to take back your life yourself ❤
Narcissists are very sad people they are just monitoring and doing things..I cannot understand why they are just like this, what a systemic tool they use.
I really needed to hear this! Lately I've been struggling with this because i went no contact for over 10 years from my own family. I feel a great loss bc its my family even though i xan now breathe without them.... but i keep thinking i might be able to navigate a relationship with them again with all this new knowledge about narcs....but i still feel like i will suffocate if they come near me....
The seperation has been hard but i know the abuse was real and im on a healing journey..i still have to deal with him as he has not moved all his things out..but im just keeping it real with him not engaging just to get him to get his things out. Of course i have moments i think to have him come back..but i just remind myself how painful the abuse has been.
I’ll help you move his stuff out for him! Great job, we see you here and are cheering you onwards. You deserve real happiness. Wishing you blessings 😊
Christine Albright
THANK YOU💖!...
I feel alone.
You’re not! Read the comments
I do too. I just want to say that I see you and accept you! We all do!
I have an empathic neighbor who seems to have gone from narc family to narc partners and now back in the family of narc and flying monkey clones. I won’t become HER supply tell her that nothing will change until she does.
Can’t change anyone else but yourself. Good job! Steer clear, in my experience anyone who cosigns messed up dynamics is adding fuel to fire and imo just as guilty as the perpetrator. They will subconsciously do messed up things. They think they deserve the abuse and have abuse and love all mixed up. Stockholm syndrome. They are ok with treating themselves like this, they will have no problem tearing you down any chance they get. Let them go down with the ship if thats what they choose. You are a survivor. Get yourself into a solid place before helping others. Even if that takes a few years, staying focused on your path is what you are here for. Great job, keep going!!!
After going no contact I realized I don’t have a validator since birth.
Christmas- brings up a lot…..
Yes, going through it now. It’s tough.
It is always the worst time of the year for these people. My life is always hell during this time of the year and I hate it. It's making me hate Christmas. ☹️
@ I really hear you. I’ve put up my tree twice, I didn’t decorate it, but I’ve taken it down both times. It’s up 1 more time. If it doesn’t get decorated then at least it’s up. I’m too numb to do much more.
11:17 that’s been my oldest son
It drives me nuts my daughter narc friend always interferes with our relationship! This narc is dangerous and has so much control over my daughter. But I need financial help. But I can’t put up with this! Not today! I know to much about narcissism to put up with this!
Could you address the topic of "when a flying monkey becomes the new supply?"
Thank you ❤
Run 🏃♀️ 😊 34:31
No no one believes me
God and you know the truth screw everyone else
Wish I knew this 11 years ago! 😕
Three years out a toxic, narcissistic, relationship. Still single due to my loss of trusting. How do you tell the difference between love bombing and someone just being nice??
Yes ! 7:29
Just forgive and forget (as my ex said) because the Bible says if you don't then you won't be forgiven. 🤔
Thank you Dr. Ramani for you wisdom. ❤
So gifts make you in debt to them I’m in a weird relationship at the moment this person wants me to stay clean and fresh Keep my nails clean and filed likes to know when I work like I’m supposed to be at Bay on-call for him and then there is the mood swings They come out of nowhere, this person will be fine and loving and then all of a sudden he turns blames me
Go explain Thad in 🇧🇪🙏 12:59
Any advice for dealing with someone with full blown clinical NPD comorbid with ASPD that hasn’t left me alone & tried to terrorize me for 17 years (multiple police reports, restraining orders, etc and they don’t deter her)? I’m at my wits end.
It sounds like to me you just can’t win.
9:10
In 🇧🇪it is legal ……..! Too emotionally abuse people ! 10:14
5th, 18 December 2024
miss ramani u ate with this one
Try to become more stoic and increase your emotional intelligence "EQ".
In polish football fans language its easy: "Jazadaaaa z kulvvvvvami!!!!!!!!!" :D:D:D
Ciaooo Duc :)
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Lol, guitarsouds
First
So insightful, powerful & helpful thank you Dr. Ramini🫶🌈🫶🌈
Dr Ramani soul sister I frickin LOVE ❤you! I hope you know that your education tactics on navigation DEEP technique RADICAL Acceptance knowledge understanding and learning through your personal therapy feeds my mind,body, and soul literally everyday helps me believe everything is going to be ok even though right now im NOT ok❤❤❤Thank you a million times over🙏🙏🙏🫵🙏🙏🙏
Sowy narc vamps no More golden blood left here to suck dry…WOKE
#indifference