Och. My ex was so aggressive about everything. I told him he didn't need to scream, swear and call me names if something was wrong, he could just talk to me. He told me by saying thst I was proving to him that I wouldn't listen to anything he had to say and I was a selfcentered c*nt for not letting him "express himself in his own way". He told me I needed to stop talking down to him and "let him be a man". I left him because we could not have a normal conversation ever. When I see him somewhere in a supermarket or something he still calls me a b*tch who never had any empathy.
That sounds like transactional analasys children-adult-parent states. Whenever you respond from an adult state instead of reacting from a parent/child state the other one either calms down, or tries to escalate the situation or shuts it down depending on how much they are flooded by their unconscious stuff.
i was surprised seeing this because i loved your tiktok content and never knew you has yt. you helped me out immensely with your videos, thank you so much!
I have lived this dynamic many times. Once on a plane witnessing him have a temper tantrum, kicking the seat in front of him, rocking back and forth, and then begging for empathy. It was all an act and meant to cause intimidation.
I think it's just that she offers nothing but shallow validation, which is often not helpful and feels cold and generic. At least in this video it sounds like that. And she admitts that she does lack affective empathy. Her partner sounds like he uses affective empathy over cognitive. We often prefer one over the other and we are mostly born with that preference. I think because her partner functions differently and has strong affective empathy he can't understand why she is not having that as well. They are mismatched. Relationships where one partner prefers a different type of empathy rarely end well. He sounds desperate for emotional connection. And she dislikes that and labels him distorted. They will not last. She needs someone who also prefers cognitive empathy over affective empathy. He does not sound abusive, he sounds emotionally neglected to me.
Yes he did. I validated his pain, but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to alleviate it, and when I didnt because I have emotional boundaries, he told me I was invalidating him.
@@danika9411 I wholeheartedly disagree. It is never one person’s job to feel another person’s emotions for them. It sounds like he was looking for enmeshment-a very dysfunctional way of relating. In the video the woman says that she typically does experience affective empathy.
My feelings were invalidated for sure! Especially if they were about something hurtful he did - something you can find on the power and control wheel. I was told to get over it, or it was my issue, or I overreacted. I didn't do any of those things when he shared his feelings. I always said they were valid (because all feelings are valid - but the stories we attach to them are not always true). With his feelings, came requests for me to drop boundaries or abandon my values, and when I didn't, that's when I was told I lacked empathy.
@@jfabfindingauthenticity is that not what he thinks you are showing him though? Why are you calling this person, ‘an abuser’ if it seems they are not aware of what they are doing? If he tells you to ‘’get over it’’ is this not what he thinks is being mirrored to him from you when you say his feelings are false?
@ An abuser is someone who engages in a pattern of abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is behaviour intended to control. The intent might not be to abuse, but it is to control. Now, I didn’t tell him his feelings were wrong. If you watched the video, I said that I validated all his feelings. To validate means to communicate that the feelings are valid. And I did that. So I am not sure what I am mirroring. Can you explain what you mean?
I'd highly suggest you get more qualifications than a Certificate (Masters in Psychology or Social Work or Counselling at a University level) before making money on TH-cam. I am qualified & worked for 25 years & have real concerns about this clip & the way you spoke about your ex.
Did he say what he expects? Both of you running in circles crying? Hitting the walls? I have different 'methods' to give support according to the situation. Sometimes it just needs a hug, other times a longer conversation. Sometimes you cry with them, sometimes you need to be indifferent. 🤔🤷🙂
Can you please give an example what he was upset about and how he expected you to react? There are different possibilities, so that the understanding is difficult.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo sure! We broke up and he moved out. He had his kids part time so they did loose their bedrooms in my home (my home I paid for all of it). He promised to make a bunch of changes including going to therapy. I finally agreed to give him another chance, but I wasn’t going to allow him to move in again until his finances were sorted, we were engaged, and the abuse had stopped. He initially agreed and claimed he was committed to change. After 2 months he started pressuring me to move back in. Told me I was holding on to the past. Told me I was unfairly punishing him and his kids. Told me I lacked empathy and compassion.
Honestly you do sound condescending to me. Like you know better how he feels than him, that you know better what his thought process is than him and you are completly sure that your version of what you believe he thinks, feels and goes through is the truth. That is condescending and cold. I don't know you, but I understand why you are not helpful when he needs help. Because honestly who needs mindless validation? It's nice sometimes, but what people need is feeling connected, feeling understood. And validation has limits. Instead of talking down on him and labelling his thoughts as distortions why don't you ask what he needs to feel safe? What he needs to feel seen and connected? I understand your partner. I was in a calm and good relationship for 11 years. So no neither of us are abusive. Just in case you try to label me an abuser. If I imagine my ex would talk like you, it would hurt me. If this is how you think of him, that you think his mind is distorted, that you know better, that he either takes your shallow validation, when he needed connection and if he doesn't then something is wrong with him. Does this sound loving to you? And yes, going by what you said in this short, you seem to have a problem with feeling affective empathy, which means you indeed lack empathy. The problem is not that you lack it, it is that you seem unaware of it and instead label another person unreasonable instead of accepting your limits. Your partner might prefer to use affective empathy over cognitive empathy. And he doesn't understand how you use affective empathy that much less than him. What empathy we prefer is mostly something that we are born with. Relationships where there is a mismatch in empathy rarely end well. You need someone who has less affective empathy and he needs someone who has more affective empathy. He is not distorted. He just functions differently. And you are going to wreck him if instead of recognising this you tell him how wrong he is and start to gaslight him. Sorry for mistakes, English is my second language.
@@danika9411 I agree. While we don’t know the whole situation, if she’s publicly posting things about her ex as a sort of “lesson” for others, I think we should be free to give our own opinions on it. It did sound to me like she was the one gaslighting him and invalidating his feelings and experiences. And nowhere in this short did I feel like she had any sort of empathy for what he went through
Respectfully, there were a lot of assumptions made in your response. I admit I misused affective empathy in this video. Affective empathy is sitting in and sharing in the emotions of others. I did that. Every single time. I held space for his emotions and validated them. I never once told him his feelings were wrong, so I am unsure where the disconnect is for you. Validation means, I understand why you are feeling that way. And I did. Based on his worldview, his experiences, and his limited personal development, I understand why he felt the way he did. If you perceive judgement or condescension in that statement, then that is something with in you to look at. What I didn't do is take responsibility for them because they didn't have anything to do with me. He wasn't looking for understanding or validation, he was looking for me to change nonharmful behaviour so he didn't have to experience emotions. He was making his emotional experiencing my responsibility, when it is not. It is not a lack of empathy. It is having emotional boundaries.
@@jfabfindingauthenticity First of all, you don't seem to understand what affective empathy is. Because you gave the wrong definition. Since you present yourself as a coach online I find that troubling. I'll explain it to you. First cognitive empathy is understanding the other persons emotions and reading them. This is what you use. Affective empathy, called emotional empathy in my first language, is when the other persons emotions jump over to you. It's an automatic reaction. For example, someone is very happy and you become happy as well, someone is crying in front of you and you become sad as well. Someone is angry and you become angry as well. So you feel ( often not as intensly ) the emotions of the other person and understand on an emotional level. It has nothing to do with cognition or sitting with someone. One test to see if a person has emotional/affective empathy is f.e. if you see someone yawning, do you automatically yawn as well. If not, you are most likely not experiencing affective empathy like others. Affective empathy is an automatic reaction that happens without you thinking about something or doing something specific. It does not make someone a good person or makes someone sit with someone else. That is kind, but not what it is. If you don't have that reaction, your partner is right and you do lack empathy. And instead of understanding that, you are ( unintentionally ) gaslighting him, that something is wrong with him. When in fact he functions neurotypical. Sitting with someone and validating their feelings is nice, but that's not what he needs. He wants to connect with you emotionally. It is ok to say f.e., I feel overwhelmed today I can sit with you and be with you, but I can't connect emotionally. And emotionally does not mean cognition! But if it is always like that I think it would be unsatisfying for a lot of people. So nothing you described so far is actually emotional/affective empathy. But what he describes is the definition of emotional affective empathy. And he sounds disturbed that you don't experience it. But instead of thinking about how you two function differently and how both your needs can be met, you seem to tell him he is "disturbed" and imo that is wrong. I just want to say, if you don't experience affective empathy like others, that is ok. That doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It just means you function differently. But you potentially neglect him emotionally. Because we need to feel that connection to another person. Validation is a very poor exchange for that and can't make up for it. You both need to decide then if you are good for each other. Because he will potentially always feel the need to be emotionally connected and be unhappy with you not being able to give him that. And you will probably always feel pushed over your limits by him and that he wants something from you, that you can't give him. And that is not going to be a healthy relationship. But it is because of how you two function differently and how your emotional needs do not match. I would advise you to be honest with you about affective empathy. Some people just never felt it, some feel it to a lesser degree, that's ok. Then there are 2 options, you were born this way or due to trauma you are in shutdown. With option 2 neurofeedback can potentially help. In short it calms your nervoussytem down so that you can start to feel yourself again. And then, if there is the potential in you, your affective empathy automatically increases. If you are interested in this, there are studies about antisocial personality disorder and neurofeedback. A lot also mention empathy. It's a very interesting topic. I hope this helps you. I still think with the information that I have that you are condescending in the way you speak about him. Because when you say things like his thoughts are distorted, you do judge and in a heavy way. Distortion generally is a controversial concept of CBT, that many modern psychologists see as outdated. At least in the way it is used in CBT and reframing. And it is much less common than we thought. I can give an example: Let's say a child was bullied in school and now has school anxiety and sometimes skips classes. In the past the childs fear and thought processes that lead to skipping school were seen as "distortions" and reframed. What was too often ignored was that maybe the child had a valid reason to be scared. Maybe he/she still goes to the same school or if they changed schools they see bullying there too and are scared that they are next, because it is a possibility. That is not distortion. That is actually being realistic based on past experiences and the child still being in an unsafe environment ( same school, different school and witnesses bullying ). In the past in CBT valid thought processes was too often labelled distortions and it caused harm to patients. Which is why a lot of psychologists started to distance themselfs from that concept and don't actually use it anymore. This is just another thought I had while listening to you. Be careful with that concept please. Especially since you seem to be a coach ( according to your description ).
Small addition. You can trigger your emotional empathy by your thoughts, by listening to music, watching a movie ect. When you feel and emotionally connect. It's not just when you sit next to someone and the emotions jump over. If you are f.e. emotinally exhausted it can be normal to not always feel it. Also we can't always feel everything of other people. We would burn out. But generally for the most part most people connect that way ( at least to a degree ) on that emotional level with others.
I don’t know. This is why I despise the outright common accusations that someone is ‘’a narcissist’’ or ‘’abusive’’…hear me out… You very much invalidate his emotions, though they are ‘’big’’, when you say to him that you see the situation better than he does. Not only that, it’s a form of humiliation. So you mirror to him invalidation and humiliation whenever you don’t like his big emotions, which you think are silly…and then you’re surprised when he does the same thing back to you? You are emasculating and parenting your significant other too. This is like expecting a loving result from treating someone like shit. You are bending his arm for control, underhandedly and then calmly but proudly flaunting it. He can only ‘win’ if he submits to you. This isn’t very loving. (‘Uncaring’). If you say that he is unaware, how can he be ‘abusive’? He is at best then, underdeveloped…is that a crime? Do you love this person or do you wish to come out on top as the shiny turd vs the dirty one? One can say you are also projecting! Don’t get me wrong- I see this behavior among some liberals projecting onto conservatives that they are ‘’bad’’ and ‘’mean’’. And as you say, it’s a lack of awareness. I don’t believe it’s a ‘’tactic’’ though. An unawareness can’t be a ‘’tactic’’. There are plenty of adults who lack awareness, who haven’t fully come to all forms of development, (especially during the young adult years) and yes, some handle it in a completely crap way that is not only painful to themselves but to others. Do you think how you’re handling this is helpful? Validating to him? Uplifting to him? I don’t doubt you’ve had to put up with some tantrums, but if your person is as you say, and you married them,…at what point did you lie about ‘’for better or for worse’’? When did this behavior start? Why are you posting this video as if you are an expert at spotting ‘tactics’..do you see him as an enemy you need to put down..publicly ? I understand that having a man who is underdeveloped is like having a very crap leader who is going to step on toes and hurt everyone. I’m just trying to get you to see that #1. You married him. #2. He’s not perfect and neither are you. #3. Handle imperfections, as embarrassing and irritating and frustrating as they may be with love. #4. We can’t go around accusing everyone’s ’lack of awareness’ as them being worthless. This behavior is killing relationships.
@@sonofhibbs4425 this whole comment is based on the false assumption that I told him his feelings were wrong. I didn’t. In fact, I communicated repeatedly that his feeling were valid. Had I invalidated him as you say here, I would agree with almost everything you said. Except that I didn’t say that having a lack of awareness makes people worthless. That would be your addition to the conversation 🙏🏻❤️
Och.
My ex was so aggressive about everything. I told him he didn't need to scream, swear and call me names if something was wrong, he could just talk to me. He told me by saying thst I was proving to him that I wouldn't listen to anything he had to say and I was a selfcentered c*nt for not letting him "express himself in his own way". He told me I needed to stop talking down to him and "let him be a man". I left him because we could not have a normal conversation ever. When I see him somewhere in a supermarket or something he still calls me a b*tch who never had any empathy.
I am glad you are away from this guy. Sounds all too familiar!
That sounds like transactional analasys children-adult-parent states. Whenever you respond from an adult state instead of reacting from a parent/child state the other one either calms down, or tries to escalate the situation or shuts it down depending on how much they are flooded by their unconscious stuff.
i was surprised seeing this because i loved your tiktok content and never knew you has yt. you helped me out immensely with your videos, thank you so much!
Yes, trying to transition over here in the event TikTok gets shut down. I appreciate the support, and I am so glad my content has helped you!
I have lived this dynamic many times.
Once on a plane witnessing him have a temper tantrum, kicking the seat in front of him, rocking back and forth, and then begging for empathy.
It was all an act and meant to cause intimidation.
We have to consider neurodivergence with that type of behavior.
@@alchemicalsoul sounds like a cope for abusive.
He wanted you to take over his pain?
No one is supported when the supporter joins into the 'hysteria'. One needs to stay calm. That is not a lack of empathy but decent.
Ups, wrong place. Should have been a main post. 😄
I think it's just that she offers nothing but shallow validation, which is often not helpful and feels cold and generic. At least in this video it sounds like that. And she admitts that she does lack affective empathy. Her partner sounds like he uses affective empathy over cognitive. We often prefer one over the other and we are mostly born with that preference. I think because her partner functions differently and has strong affective empathy he can't understand why she is not having that as well. They are mismatched.
Relationships where one partner prefers a different type of empathy rarely end well. He sounds desperate for emotional connection. And she dislikes that and labels him distorted. They will not last. She needs someone who also prefers cognitive empathy over affective empathy.
He does not sound abusive, he sounds emotionally neglected to me.
Yes he did. I validated his pain, but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to alleviate it, and when I didnt because I have emotional boundaries, he told me I was invalidating him.
@@danika9411 I wholeheartedly disagree. It is never one person’s job to feel another person’s emotions for them. It sounds like he was looking for enmeshment-a very dysfunctional way of relating. In the video the woman says that she typically does experience affective empathy.
Very insightful. Thank you!
Need more people like you in this world
Very thought provoking and informative. Thank you. You are doing such important work.
Did you try putting the boot on the other foot to see how he matched or otherwise your 'big feelings'. That would have been an interesting experiment!
My feelings were invalidated for sure! Especially if they were about something hurtful he did - something you can find on the power and control wheel. I was told to get over it, or it was my issue, or I overreacted.
I didn't do any of those things when he shared his feelings. I always said they were valid (because all feelings are valid - but the stories we attach to them are not always true). With his feelings, came requests for me to drop boundaries or abandon my values, and when I didn't, that's when I was told I lacked empathy.
@@jfabfindingauthenticity is that not what he thinks you are showing him though? Why are you calling this person, ‘an abuser’ if it seems they are not aware of what they are doing? If he tells you to ‘’get over it’’ is this not what he thinks is being mirrored to him from you when you say his feelings are false?
@ An abuser is someone who engages in a pattern of abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is behaviour intended to control. The intent might not be to abuse, but it is to control.
Now, I didn’t tell him his feelings were wrong. If you watched the video, I said that I validated all his feelings. To validate means to communicate that the feelings are valid. And I did that. So I am not sure what I am mirroring. Can you explain what you mean?
I'd highly suggest you get more qualifications than a Certificate (Masters in Psychology or Social Work or Counselling at a University level) before making money on TH-cam. I am qualified & worked for 25 years & have real concerns about this clip & the way you spoke about your ex.
Id love to hear your concerns. (And I have Master's training in Counselling Psychologoy)
@@jfabfindingauthenticityquack science like dr fauci
Did he say what he expects? Both of you running in circles crying? Hitting the walls? I have different 'methods' to give support according to the situation. Sometimes it just needs a hug, other times a longer conversation. Sometimes you cry with them, sometimes you need to be indifferent. 🤔🤷🙂
What he often wanted was for me to drop my boundaries - and when I wouldn't, I was told I lacked empathy and compassion.
Can you please give an example what he was upset about and how he expected you to react? There are different possibilities, so that the understanding is difficult.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo sure! We broke up and he moved out. He had his kids part time so they did loose their bedrooms in my home (my home I paid for all of it). He promised to make a bunch of changes including going to therapy. I finally agreed to give him another chance, but I wasn’t going to allow him to move in again until his finances were sorted, we were engaged, and the abuse had stopped. He initially agreed and claimed he was committed to change. After 2 months he started pressuring me to move back in. Told me I was holding on to the past. Told me I was unfairly punishing him and his kids. Told me I lacked empathy and compassion.
@@jfabfindingauthenticity when you say ‘drop boundaries’, can you give an example?
@@jfabfindingauthenticity sorry, didn’t see your post when I asked for an example.
Honestly you do sound condescending to me. Like you know better how he feels than him, that you know better what his thought process is than him and you are completly sure that your version of what you believe he thinks, feels and goes through is the truth. That is condescending and cold. I don't know you, but I understand why you are not helpful when he needs help.
Because honestly who needs mindless validation? It's nice sometimes, but what people need is feeling connected, feeling understood. And validation has limits. Instead of talking down on him and labelling his thoughts as distortions why don't you ask what he needs to feel safe? What he needs to feel seen and connected?
I understand your partner. I was in a calm and good relationship for 11 years. So no neither of us are abusive. Just in case you try to label me an abuser. If I imagine my ex would talk like you, it would hurt me. If this is how you think of him, that you think his mind is distorted, that you know better, that he either takes your shallow validation, when he needed connection and if he doesn't then something is wrong with him. Does this sound loving to you?
And yes, going by what you said in this short, you seem to have a problem with feeling affective empathy, which means you indeed lack empathy. The problem is not that you lack it, it is that you seem unaware of it and instead label another person unreasonable instead of accepting your limits.
Your partner might prefer to use affective empathy over cognitive empathy. And he doesn't understand how you use affective empathy that much less than him. What empathy we prefer is mostly something that we are born with. Relationships where there is a mismatch in empathy rarely end well. You need someone who has less affective empathy and he needs someone who has more affective empathy.
He is not distorted. He just functions differently. And you are going to wreck him if instead of recognising this you tell him how wrong he is and start to gaslight him.
Sorry for mistakes, English is my second language.
@@danika9411 I agree. While we don’t know the whole situation, if she’s publicly posting things about her ex as a sort of “lesson” for others, I think we should be free to give our own opinions on it. It did sound to me like she was the one gaslighting him and invalidating his feelings and experiences. And nowhere in this short did I feel like she had any sort of empathy for what he went through
Respectfully, there were a lot of assumptions made in your response.
I admit I misused affective empathy in this video. Affective empathy is sitting in and sharing in the emotions of others. I did that. Every single time. I held space for his emotions and validated them. I never once told him his feelings were wrong, so I am unsure where the disconnect is for you. Validation means, I understand why you are feeling that way. And I did. Based on his worldview, his experiences, and his limited personal development, I understand why he felt the way he did. If you perceive judgement or condescension in that statement, then that is something with in you to look at.
What I didn't do is take responsibility for them because they didn't have anything to do with me. He wasn't looking for understanding or validation, he was looking for me to change nonharmful behaviour so he didn't have to experience emotions. He was making his emotional experiencing my responsibility, when it is not.
It is not a lack of empathy. It is having emotional boundaries.
@@jfabfindingauthenticity Ok, you didn't answer me and at the moment I don't understand the issue. Do you have an example of a scene? 🤔🙂
@@jfabfindingauthenticity First of all, you don't seem to understand what affective empathy is. Because you gave the wrong definition. Since you present yourself as a coach online I find that troubling.
I'll explain it to you. First cognitive empathy is understanding the other persons emotions and reading them. This is what you use. Affective empathy, called emotional empathy in my first language, is when the other persons emotions jump over to you. It's an automatic reaction. For example, someone is very happy and you become happy as well, someone is crying in front of you and you become sad as well. Someone is angry and you become angry as well. So you feel ( often not as intensly ) the emotions of the other person and understand on an emotional level. It has nothing to do with cognition or sitting with someone.
One test to see if a person has emotional/affective empathy is f.e. if you see someone yawning, do you automatically yawn as well. If not, you are most likely not experiencing affective empathy like others.
Affective empathy is an automatic reaction that happens without you thinking about something or doing something specific. It does not make someone a good person or makes someone sit with someone else. That is kind, but not what it is.
If you don't have that reaction, your partner is right and you do lack empathy. And instead of understanding that, you are ( unintentionally ) gaslighting him, that something is wrong with him. When in fact he functions neurotypical.
Sitting with someone and validating their feelings is nice, but that's not what he needs. He wants to connect with you emotionally. It is ok to say f.e., I feel overwhelmed today I can sit with you and be with you, but I can't connect emotionally. And emotionally does not mean cognition! But if it is always like that I think it would be unsatisfying for a lot of people.
So nothing you described so far is actually emotional/affective empathy. But what he describes is the definition of emotional affective empathy. And he sounds disturbed that you don't experience it. But instead of thinking about how you two function differently and how both your needs can be met, you seem to tell him he is "disturbed" and imo that is wrong.
I just want to say, if you don't experience affective empathy like others, that is ok. That doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It just means you function differently.
But you potentially neglect him emotionally. Because we need to feel that connection to another person. Validation is a very poor exchange for that and can't make up for it. You both need to decide then if you are good for each other. Because he will potentially always feel the need to be emotionally connected and be unhappy with you not being able to give him that. And you will probably always feel pushed over your limits by him and that he wants something from you, that you can't give him. And that is not going to be a healthy relationship. But it is because of how you two function differently and how your emotional needs do not match.
I would advise you to be honest with you about affective empathy. Some people just never felt it, some feel it to a lesser degree, that's ok. Then there are 2 options, you were born this way or due to trauma you are in shutdown. With option 2 neurofeedback can potentially help. In short it calms your nervoussytem down so that you can start to feel yourself again. And then, if there is the potential in you, your affective empathy automatically increases. If you are interested in this, there are studies about antisocial personality disorder and neurofeedback. A lot also mention empathy. It's a very interesting topic.
I hope this helps you. I still think with the information that I have that you are condescending in the way you speak about him. Because when you say things like his thoughts are distorted, you do judge and in a heavy way.
Distortion generally is a controversial concept of CBT, that many modern psychologists see as outdated. At least in the way it is used in CBT and reframing. And it is much less common than we thought.
I can give an example: Let's say a child was bullied in school and now has school anxiety and sometimes skips classes. In the past the childs fear and thought processes that lead to skipping school were seen as "distortions" and reframed. What was too often ignored was that maybe the child had a valid reason to be scared. Maybe he/she still goes to the same school or if they changed schools they see bullying there too and are scared that they are next, because it is a possibility. That is not distortion. That is actually being realistic based on past experiences and the child still being in an unsafe environment ( same school, different school and witnesses bullying ). In the past in CBT valid thought processes was too often labelled distortions and it caused harm to patients. Which is why a lot of psychologists started to distance themselfs from that concept and don't actually use it anymore. This is just another thought I had while listening to you. Be careful with that concept please. Especially since you seem to be a coach ( according to your description ).
Small addition. You can trigger your emotional empathy by your thoughts, by listening to music, watching a movie ect. When you feel and emotionally connect. It's not just when you sit next to someone and the emotions jump over. If you are f.e. emotinally exhausted it can be normal to not always feel it. Also we can't always feel everything of other people. We would burn out. But generally for the most part most people connect that way ( at least to a degree ) on that emotional level with others.
You Sound Narcissistic! 😦😢🤦🏻♀️💔 Very Narcissistic! 😦😢🤦🏻♀️💔 - Natasha
How so? I'd love for you to elaborate.
You sound like a nutter.
You know a lot of psychobabble but after watching this video, I think your ex is right.
Good thing we broke up then huh?!?
I don’t know. This is why I despise the outright common accusations that someone is ‘’a narcissist’’ or ‘’abusive’’…hear me out…
You very much invalidate his emotions, though they are ‘’big’’, when you say to him that you see the situation better than he does. Not only that, it’s a form of humiliation. So you mirror to him invalidation and humiliation whenever you don’t like his big emotions, which you think are silly…and then you’re surprised when he does the same thing back to you? You are emasculating and parenting your significant other too. This is like expecting a loving result from treating someone like shit. You are bending his arm for control, underhandedly and then calmly but proudly flaunting it. He can only ‘win’ if he submits to you. This isn’t very loving. (‘Uncaring’).
If you say that he is unaware, how can he be ‘abusive’? He is at best then, underdeveloped…is that a crime? Do you love this person or do you wish to come out on top as the shiny turd vs the dirty one? One can say you are also projecting!
Don’t get me wrong- I see this behavior among some liberals projecting onto conservatives that they are ‘’bad’’ and ‘’mean’’. And as you say, it’s a lack of awareness. I don’t believe it’s a ‘’tactic’’ though. An unawareness can’t be a ‘’tactic’’. There are plenty of adults who lack awareness, who haven’t fully come to all forms of development, (especially during the young adult years) and yes, some handle it in a completely crap way that is not only painful to themselves but to others. Do you think how you’re handling this is helpful? Validating to him? Uplifting to him?
I don’t doubt you’ve had to put up with some tantrums, but if your person is as you say, and you married them,…at what point did you lie about ‘’for better or for worse’’? When did this behavior start? Why are you posting this video as if you are an expert at spotting ‘tactics’..do you see him as an enemy you need to put down..publicly ?
I understand that having a man who is underdeveloped is like having a very crap leader who is going to step on toes and hurt everyone. I’m just trying to get you to see that #1. You married him. #2. He’s not perfect and neither are you. #3. Handle imperfections, as embarrassing and irritating and frustrating as they may be with love. #4. We can’t go around accusing everyone’s ’lack of awareness’ as them being worthless. This behavior is killing relationships.
@@sonofhibbs4425 this whole comment is based on the false assumption that I told him his feelings were wrong. I didn’t. In fact, I communicated repeatedly that his feeling were valid.
Had I invalidated him as you say here, I would agree with almost everything you said.
Except that I didn’t say that having a lack of awareness makes people worthless. That would be your addition to the conversation 🙏🏻❤️