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Thank you 🙏. Definitely, keeping a journal helps. If nothing else, it’s a way to review events when you’re told it didn’t happen the way you remember it, when something comes up later. A great tool against gaslighting (for peace of mind). So much good information in such a short video 👍🙏

The Matriarchies emphasized Mutual Compassion, NOT mutual satisfaction. Selfishness is not a cure. If one partner is abusive, the other is not being loving when they 'martyr' themselves - that is not love. The error in both directions is "Love=Slavery" - both when women sacrifice for mens' pleasure, and when women hold expectations that men be the source of her pleasure. The cure is relating to others across the divide, not isolation from them and self-interest. Nomadic gatherers listened to Grandma - I want that Matriarchy back.

Relationships feel transactional when you only value your partner on the things they do (cooking meals, raising kids). I don’t want another person in my life because I want them to do things for me. The main reason you should be inviting people into your life is if you’re ready to emotionally connect with them. I like snuggling, talking and existing with my partner and I have no higher demand from them other than just wanting them to exist and make life a little less lonely. Dates and gifts are nice but those can turn into toxic measurements of love because your partner shouldn’t feel like they have to spend $300 just to prove their love. My partner hates and absolutely refuses to let me spend money on him and at first it was a culture shock, but I like not being pressured to measure my love in money. I’d much rather spend time with my partner on my birthday and I’d much rather snuggle up at home than go to an expensive restaurant. My partner is the gift. Other things are just materialistic/ objects. Also transactional relationships can make people feel responsible for your happiness in unhealthy ways. I.e. if going to a fancy restaurant is that much fun I’d rather bend gender norms and spoil my partner and I with a fun night out. I’m in charge of my happiness and entertainment- I don’t NEED my partner to be the man and take me to a restaurant to be happy. I can kinda see how gender norms are infuriating. Notice how the onus is on the guy to do something grandiose but women aren’t pressured to remember anniversaries or do something romantic for their partner ? What would be so wrong with reversing gender norms and wine dining your man ?

Actually love how you emphasize how this goes both ways. This video humanizes both men and women. Some other videos are getting too out there and man bashy. The whole point of conversations like this is to de-normalize problematic behavior not rationalize being unable to form healthy connections with any men. ❤️💐

Och. My ex was so aggressive about everything. I told him he didn't need to scream, swear and call me names if something was wrong, he could just talk to me. He told me by saying thst I was proving to him that I wouldn't listen to anything he had to say and I was a selfcentered c*nt for not letting him "express himself in his own way". He told me I needed to stop talking down to him and "let him be a man". I left him because we could not have a normal conversation ever. When I see him somewhere in a supermarket or something he still calls me a b*tch who never had any empathy.

yes mam im empath no boundaries whole life

My family plays out so much of this and then I married into this.

You sound like a nutter.

Interesting. My daughter called me a narcissist. So I researched. It's her.

You Sound Narcissistic! 😦😢🤦🏻‍♀️💔 Very Narcissistic! 😦😢🤦🏻‍♀️💔 - Natasha

Yup. His only way of digging at me was, I didn't make enough money. He apologized. But then went on a long diatribe about how could a smart person not know how to make money? I was not allowed to discuss this issue, either.

I get that emotional objectification is bad. But you saying 1:43 "emotional intimacy is the foundation of a healthy relationship" doesn't discredit that. What the guys and girls are doing is valuing a relationship *based on* acts of emotional intimacy (i.e. demonstrations of love), so I don't understand how it would look different. 3:24 "You do not equate demonstrations of love or acts of love as emotional intimacy". I mean what are we supposed to do, read their minds to tell how much they love us? I don't get why this is a bad thing, and you don't give a single example of how it's *supposed* to look, since apparently this is wrong. Without acts of love, no matter how much you truly love them, they will never know. Acts of love are literally the evidence of emotional intimacy, yet somehow to you they exist in lieu of it. Which makes no sense. I kept watching until the end, then rewatched it, to see if you gave anything actionable or useful instead of just casting judgement. But to me it just sounds like someone who took the easy route. Also 2:13 I don't get how the patriarchy is the one putting this on us. In my experience it was the matriarch that was always pushing how I should treat women in order to show I love them. Even if we extrapolate it out to the powerful; aren't powerful men only saying this is what to do because that is what worked for their accompanying women? Because a single man, no matter how rich or powerful, cannot boast about the efficacy of romantic methods and receive credit. So by pure logic and extrapolation alone, this would be the fault of the matriarchs that set the standard for them to be kept *by* the patriarch. Meaning that the transactional nature has, once again, nothing to do with the patriarchy. Well, that was a waste of about 4 minutes of my time.

I was remarried and we moved to my exes city. He told me to put some makeup on. You can't be running around this city looking like that as MY ex-wife. No. I did not comply. The city has a population of 100k. Like I'm going to run into his bar friends. Just glad I was divorced at the time.

Yes. He called me his property once.

Except the Irish were the first slaves. They were seen as inferior to the richer Brits.

Ever changing g and unachievable is correct.

Wow. Every. Single. One.

I don’t know what’s worse, being the receiver of DARVO or knowing you’ve been falling for this tactic for the majority of your relationship. It’s humbling yet extremely helpful to find out this tactic has a name and a specific structure, when you’ve been on the receiving end for so long. Thank you for sharing this 🙏

Thank you for this! ✌🏾 Stop using others as a means to an end

I struggle w emotional intimacy but just bc I'm aware of it doesn't mean its okay for me to emotionally neglect those around me so people who are also aware and use it as an excuse are absolutely wild to me

My wife has been in a nursing home, going on well past a year. I still have no idea how it happened and I guess she doesn’t want to tell me. Reaching out with support and understanding when anybody calls? Yeah, I don’t need that. My pain needs to be seen and heard before I go around white knighting for you. What are you afraid of? “I am really turned off when I look at you and see what she has done. You must really love her.” How is that a problem?

Wow, amazing insights! Thank you for sharing

Thank you! The way you articulate this is 🔥🔥🔥.

Very insightful. Thank you!

Well yes, but they are still fundamentally transactional. Reciprocal just means that both give the same amount. Transactional doesn't automatically mean zero sum.

COVERT. I can't say that enough. Research covert narcissists.

Triangulation makes it go for years. Go straight to the source. Don't let a third person play the middle person.

Sounds like a covert narcissist if they play victim.

Erich Fromm's "Art of Loving" talked about this, too - thank you for bringing mutual compassion back! Loving is a verb, not 'feeling lovely' while treating the other person as an entertainment-device.

Great advice, perfectly articulated. Currently in a relationship with someone showing signs of narcissistic tendencies. As an infj, im very aware of peoples intentions... but I hate to say, im not as conscientious of my close partners. I'm trying hard to bring light on this in a gentle way. Definitely a challenge

We even talked about how I should just not react to their behaviour

Catholic faith doesn’t teach transactional approach to relationships. Please be mindful on putting blame using on “religion” aka trying to convey “all religions”

Great examples!

The one common denominator in all your failed relationships... is you

You are doing your man a favour. You really are considerate

My spiritual beliefs have never made me treat my husband in a transactional or reciprocal manner only from a state of what can I do to help him because Jesus put me before himself from a place of true love, I do the same for my husband

Self care is definitely a sign of male masculinity. While im glad to continue self care, how does one know if your attracting the same type of person that was previous toxic to you? Especially if they might be covert Narc

A whole life of this is truly hard to repair. I think i needed to hear this. Umm, thank you.

Need more people like you in this world

Thank you for shedding a light on experiences I had being gaslit, navigating emotional traps, and fielding a plethora of DARVO tactics. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse I am really hearing what you say and it is healing for me to drink in. I especially resonated with your use of "double bind" to describe the dynamic of getting trapped in someone else's field of toxicity. Receiving feedback from my abuser that I lack empathy when I would not bend to her will, I could not understand my inability to connect with her described emotional reality. Now I see that's because my center knew that she was not speaking from a place of groundedness, and so the desperate pleas for connection fell flat / I was unable to meet her in the place she professed I should be. Something inside me knew that walking there was an empty and dangerous place, and my higher intuition kept me from walking deeper towards accepting more harm, fragmentation, and fog. Good for you for getting out and thank you for sharing such a lucid description of your experience - may it reach others too. To anyone in the comment section who is upset to hear about your process of holding fast to your inner intuition while navigating abusive tactics and sharing your wisdom, I hope they please examine themselves and consider that victim-blaming is unhelpful at best.

Very good point.

I agree to a certain extent, but if she wants to wear way to reveling sexy outfit that going past boundaries.

🙏❤️

And to respond to marytime’s question you posted in your video- chances are, if you have to question wether or not it’s a form of abuse or “just” poor emotional skills (or what ever you said), chances are it’s def abuse. I say this because you’ll find your partners emotions don’t fit the fight or situation at hand- or you find yourself feeling guilty or blamed or hurt or tricked or CONFUSED! You’re experiencing a form of manipulation and/or abuse. 💯

I'm out now. I've been alone for several years. I don't think I could tolerate this again.

one of many many reasons to stay out of relationships, never been in one, aint about to be!

Excellent description of DARVO Adding Jennifer Freyd's description as it piggybacks on your video: "DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender." Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

I'd highly suggest you get more qualifications than a Certificate (Masters in Psychology or Social Work or Counselling at a University level) before making money on TH-cam. I am qualified & worked for 25 years & have real concerns about this clip & the way you spoke about your ex.

Bahahahahahahahah. You're saying the guy has no right to his own thoughts, feelings and habits. You're saying he's obligated to change himself to suit her preferences rather than encouraging her to love him for who he is, which is exactly what he's asking for here. You're actively teaching that men are pets. Thanks for the laugh!!!