10 Questions That Expose A Narcissist's Gaslighting
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ก.ย. 2024
- Narcissists have many obvious problems, yet instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes, they look for someone (you) to blame. Dr. Les Carter describes how they manipulate you by trying to create doubt and confusion about your role in their lives. But once you see their tactics, you can be on your way toward wholeness.
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One thing to consider, if you think to yourself "there is NO WAY I could ask the person any of those questions without a battle erupting" then you have already uncovered something very important.
Good point!!!
Yup! There’s your answer lol
Crazy how much of the world is being gaslit by the media and politicians, not just those people personally around them. Gaslighting is everywhere, this knowledge needs to be taught to everyone on earth
Too true!
Exactly. Especially over the last 3 years.
@@annbritanilsson Indeed, in order to trick people into false fear and force them to destroy themselves by consenting to accept poisons and enslavement as cyborgs, if they survive. So many dead as a result.
@@Xaxtarr_Neonraven People need Jesus to renew their minds and give them a heart of flesh rather than the heart of stone they have now.
What they really need is Jesus Christ, his Holy Spirit & to read their bibles
Bottom Line, Don't ask Narcissist's questions, you will just get lies and be blamed back.
And RAGED at.
(At least in my case)
I've watched this twice now already, so here are the questions (to come back to) when in a hurry for you, too.
1. Would you like to tell me: why are you the way you are/why do you act toward me in a way that's difficult?
2. Why do you feel that it's necessary to mistreat the (few decent people that you have left) in your life?
3. Where does your agitation and annoyance come from?
4. What do you gain by belittling others?
5. Why do discussions with you bevome competitive?
6. Why are you so secretive?
7. Do you eher feel sad, after threatening others?
8. How did you decide that it's really okay to decide how everyone else is supposed to be?
9. Why are my seperate opinions so threatening to you?
10. At what point in life did you allow yourself to think that you are superior?
thanks for the recap, Nauone.
I’m writing these down to help commit to memory, I’m also on the second playback. Thank you for summarizing.
i find all this so depressing. all these points are going to be side stepped, denied, blame shifted back at you, you are told that it is indeed yourself that is guilty of all these things, endles lies etc.I. I guess it is helpful to ask them just to call their bluff. man has a conscience that will be pricked. but frankly, i think the only solution is to part company in the long run. the condition seems rather incurable.
@@illbeback126 im on my 3 Rd sitting of this video and I've come to the conclusion narcissists cannot face pain, they're cowards and what do cowards do..... they bully others. The recipient's then eventually break and look weaker, the narc then has their confirmation that they're stronger better and know all rights and all wrongs. We survive, like prisoners of war (that's how I felt growing up, like a captive and still now for many reasons). The thing is it's the survivors who are stronger as they've been bent and twisted hurt and harmed but still kept their morals and integrity and values. We grow, they don't. They're cowards
@@illbeback126 I agree in principle, but in the case where there are children, and it's the Narc who will likely end up with majority of custody in the case of divorce, if there is ANY chance, no matter how remote, to get them to see the damage they are doing and opening up the ever so small window into counseling, it's worth a shot before the much more dramatic and difficult process of divorce. The very best is to be honest and as objective as possible at the DATING phase, to see things as they are. Do NOT, ABSOLUTELY NOT make excuses for any of the behaviors that would tie to these questions above. The person is who they are. Pray for them, hope for them to find healing but DO NOT bring them into your life expecting "when we get married this will get better" . It won't. It will become worse because now they have unending supply... from YOU!
"You have to be little to belittle." 😂 that's clever.
There are no happy endings with narcissists 🙏
none that I have ever seen
They are only happy with everyone to feel more miserable inside than they do. Because a life without empathy has to be miserable right?
@@chipchippie truth
"I don't take responsibility for what I am." This is it.
EVER
Thank you Dr C. I love your phrase “You have to Be Little to belittle”. My husband told me last night that anyone who does research about narcissism is definitely a narcissist themselves. That says a lot doesn’t it?
I love that phrase! It's related to one of my long-time favorites: "When someone is trying to tear you down, it means you're above them." But "You have to be little to belittle" is more compact and efficient.
He says that because he doesn't want you to educate yourself on their bs.
He wants to keep you small so he can continue to manipulate you. It's all about control with the narc.
LOL 🤣 they're so bad at telling on themselves
RUN!
Omg!! Projection at its finest. Girl I hope you can escape that terrorist.
My ex-husband would lie about just about everything. It took me years to figure out that he did it because he knew I'd ask him for facts and then repeat the same questions for hours sometimes. From a very young age, I have always asked people "where did you hear that?" or "what's the source of that information?"
I remember, when we were living in Montreal and I was going to a regular coffee shop. The people who worked there were kind and allowed me to leave a carton of soy milk in their fridge so they could use it to make my coffee. This was about 25 years ago when it wasn't common for coffee shops to have milk substitutes. The ex came out with, "a guy at my work said that Canada has made soy milk illegal." I immediately asked, "where did he hear that? I haven't heard that." Silent treatment. I asked him when he came home from work the next day, "did you find out where that guy heard that soy milk was barred from Canada?" Silent treatment.
He also had some other humdingers he'd "heard from a guy at work." It's been 20 years and even to this day, with the internet, I've actually looked to see if there were some old newspapers articles or news reports that Canada had any issues with soy milk back then. I figured out that the only reason he'd say such a thing was to try to tear down a tiny source of happiness in my day-to-day existence. I even remember delightedly telling him, "hey, the lady at the coffee shop is storing my soy milk for me."
It made me happy so the ex had to tear it down.
My brain cannot see the logic in telling flat out lies and then keeping stupid lies going like that. I still don't get it. What's to gain from making others look stupid or unhappy?
I went through many years of feeling so worthless and let down that I couldn't see all his lies.
Never again. If a person lies once, I question EVERYTHING they say after that.
their empty souls
What's to gain from making others look stupid or unhappy? They are unhappy people and it's easier to make others unhappy than it is to work on themselves so they can be happy too. I love that the coffee shop kept soy milk for you - fantastic customer service!
So interesting! When I told my narc that a distant cousin made Chief of Police in a major city, he said” they must have been hurting for senior officers”. We have never even met this cousin!!! Crazy talk, as if he could not even take hearing good news about my relative!!
@@StarchildMagic - Yes, misery loves company! I thought the coffee shop was awesome too. They gave me a discount since they didn't charge me for milk. I used to sit in their shop and do my writing. Lovely atmosphere. How my ex behaved just didn't make sense to me, even though I'd been around people like him before. I now avoid people who constantly complain or have something nasty to say. It took me a LONG time to accept that I'm better off alone than to entertain that sort of bitter misery.
I went out briefly with another man who'd make fun of people who went to gyms. He'd meet me in the drink and food area of my gym after my workout and then sit there and say crap like, "I just don't get why people go to gyms. It's stupid." Um, well, I go to work out because it's good for my mental health and to keep my body in shape since I worked an office job. I have noticed that those who always have to belittle others are quick to make snappy comebacks when you give them a sensible response. It's their motives all along: looking for a fight so they can dump their frustrations onto others. It's like a calling card for them.
I would suggest it's to keep you second-guessing yourself, off balance. They create chaos and seek the opportunity in it. They thrive when their lies result in havoc, conflict and suspicion. Evil people.
So freeing to understand the rules and techniques of the narcissist's game. I am now completely free of their influence and impact and live a stress free life without them.
I believe this is not quite possibly correct. What planet do you live on? 2 people were just arrested for what they were doing to an orphan child. This has been going on in countries all over the world. There used to be some refuge from those people, not these days. Apathy is not a solution but there are things that can be done. Just mention of such notion brings the attention of those malgnant peoples. Almost no one stands up for what is right
YES! Wish I had this Dr C; 66 years ago when "Sissy& Cousin Windy" alwYs said " YOU HAVE TO....." ( ugh)!
I agree! I'm also now free of a narcissist's influence and abuse, and it's like a huge weight was lifted. I only wish I'd learned how to spot and identify the signs long ago. I always just told myself this person was "difficult" or "high maintenance" because I was so uneducated about what narcissism truly is. Dr C and his videos have been a God-send!
@@dblack8141 And those who do stand up for the right, get punished for it.
@@shahadah1451 severely. Those who worship the beast are comfortable because they are the culprits in their third heaven. They redefine words and this church is the wokeness. Exactly as jesus recognized the pharasees are these lofty comfortable people who take great offense for imaginary gnats whilst they allow the rulers to violently oppress the peoples. Woke jesus is making people into the I Am's and calling ut creation. Look what theyre doing. Crediting thenselves for all that is good and blaming humanity and reality and rhe true word of God for all the evil
-Thou shalt not have other gods besides Me (the narcissist’s God mode mindset )
-Thou shalt not have other idols (again the narcissist’s worship of themself - their entitlement grandiosity and sense of being special and superior- arrogant and no humility)
-Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor 🤥 -
-Thou shalt not murder- (in a psychological and emotional manner)
Gaslighting and Projection
Sick part is the narcissist is aware they’re violating the above things (their cognitive empathy) but don’t care who they hurt ( lack of compassionate empathy and lack of emotional empathy ) hence their poorly developed conscience
They miss on #1 and it goes downhill from there.
It's thou shall not murder NOT thou shall not kill.
@@morningglory3681 narcissists murder the empath in a psychological emotional manner with their vampire parasitic nature in toxic co dependency
@@morningglory3681 I think we all understood what she meant. :)
@@SurvivingNarcissism *Their God Mode Thinking is truly Delusional & a Cognitive License for them To Easily Abuse The Most Vulnerable soulful beings and the already emotionally damaged or abused empaths.*
One of the last questions I asked the ex before the relationship finally died was, “Why are you willing to sacrifice the things of relationship to get things your way?” She flew into a rage and in a short time decided she was abused and moved out. 👍
It sounds like the trash took itself out! 😅 best wishes to you
Good riddance to bad rubbish. Do inner work to find out why you attract that kind of person. Next time choose wisely.
"Decided she was abused" made me chuckle and at the same time freezing cold...
You got lucky. If you had children, you would have been alienated and she would have 'gifted' her disease to the next generation.
Remember that they actively prey upon the overly positive, the rescuers, the forgivers, the empathic and those that have had a narcissistic parent. Be sure to look past their love bombing and find someone who is truly capable of love. Good luck.
On another note, if you are thinking of starting a family, try to find someone as far removed genetically from yourself as possible. Please try to ensure breast-feeding and do not vaccinate your children. If you can manage this with a good, empathic, normal, loving person, then your children will be golden.
What my favorite question why are you so afraid of that I think? My Narcissistic husband totally losses it if I have a different idea or opinion
My soon to ex spouse is the same...he becomes irrational everytime I disagree with him....even when I explain my viewpoint and credit him for his opinion...he's still angry 😠
My Golden Child sister once told me [the scapegoat]: "Dealing with Dad [the head narcissist] is like a game, and you don't know how to play it!" Now, she's the head narcissist in the family, and The Game continues.
People that think they can be better than others, never occurs to them that we only as good as our environment, learning from others to be the best of we are capable to be!
When Les says Gus is listening, Gus's ears twitch!
It's nice to be acknowledged!
He loves Dr. C-very evident. ❤️🦮❤🦮
I am practising not taking responsibility for other people's feelings, and whenever anything goes wrong.
My first response is, "Oh no! What did I do wrong?"
Lifelong habit trained in by a covert mother.
I've been doing a lot of learning and unlearning in my fifties.
"Too soon oldt and too late schmart!"
It's never too late...I'm older than you, and I'm enjoying the
knowledge I've learned! New info keeps you young!
@@cymbolichuman433 Yes! Enjoy the freedom and peace!
oh same. Even now. 3 years of her silent treatment and yet when the dust has settled on the ''drama'' and rationally I do know that all I ever did was tell her that she hurt me (which she did) and it was classic DARVO with all the family enabling her, she just breezily gets on with her life, the victim of me, enjoying all the sympathy from the wider family and I'm left feeling rejected, shamed blamed and .............what the hell.
@@SusanaXpeace2u I had to give up my false hopes of being accepted by my mother and her flying monkeys, and of them seeing their cruelty and injustice.
Had to accept who they are and detach emotionally.
I'm close to where you are now, I do check to see if I've done something wrong. If I did, I correct it. If my correction is denied, or if I haven't done anything wrong, BYE! Good luck to anybody going through this mess.
Yes. That is true. They do try to make you feel like you are not capable to make wise decisions. I think they do that because they only want you to lean and depend on them.
Gus says gaslighting no, naplighting yes !
I like the reply "it's irrelevant, lets not do that! 🙂Your anger is your anger-so have your tantrum as we are not doing this."
1. Why are you the way you are? Why do you act towards me the way that you do, which is consistently negative? (This will blow my Dad's mind.) Why do you feel it necessary to keep mistreating the few decent people that you have left in your life? 3. Where does this chronic agitation and annoyance that you carry on your inside come from? 4. Would you like to talk with me about what you gain when you belittle others? 5. Why do discussions with you so easily turn into a competition? 6. Why are you (do you need to be) so secretive? 7. Do you ever feel sad when you've threatened others or treated them poorly? 8. How did you decide that it's really okay for you to decide how everyone else is supposed to be? 9. Why are my separate opinions and perspectives so threatening to you? (I hope I can remember all these next time my Dad starts it with me.). "No! We don't do that!" 10. At one point in your life did you actually allow yourself to feel that you are superior to me? (My Dad is the Boomerang-Communication Master.). I AM ONTO YOU! AND I AM NO LONGER PLAYING ALONG! ***Kisses to Gus***
Good notes, Shahdah.
Thank you so much...i was scrolling looking for the questions listed to screenshot...greatly appreciated!
Thankfully I’m at the point where I no longer wish to waste time asking any questions that would require maturity to answer. I’m on my way out and it feels amazing! My joy and peace is paramount to the needs of my twisted “loved one”. I’ve learned a lot and my freedom is worth the short term pain of leaving. I’m praying for safety and that God will bless me with a ministry to help other women and children get out as well. Thank you for your videos! They’re so inspiring and encouraging! 💜🙏
I wish you great strength on your exit. I got to the same place, arranged a secret exit, and haven't spoken to him since then. But please don't underestimate what he will do in punishment to you for it. I knew it would be bad, but it was beyond what I -- or my attorneys -- had seen before. Many times I collapsed on the floor and wept because I couldn't even make it to the bed to cry. But if we can survive being with them, we can survive leaving them. Good luck and be well!
👏👏👏
@@mgb7140 Fortunately, mine had a heart attack and died was able to live without fear of him.
Good luck and many blessings to you. You're doing the right thing at last. You have to love yourself first (not ego love, but divine unconditional love) then you can love another and it would not be a Narcissist because if you love yourself you would never attract a Narcissist who feeds upon those who don't love themselves, are not confident, nor empowered. So focus on becoming empowered and you'll find true love, if that is what you want. Once we find our own divine power within we choose what we want and on this lifetime and it may not be what others think you should. Only you can make you happy, no one else. Much love and blessings to you. Namaste.
Uh-oh. My narcy sense is tingling. There are many parents who alienate their children from the other parent. Only narcissist/(borderline) psychopaths do that. Good, empathic, normal, loving parents will maintain the unique and irreplaceable relationship a child has with each parent even if the other parent is problematic.
Father deprivation is the single most common factor in criminal behavior, drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, homelessness, runaways, teen suicide among many other solely negative outcomes.
If you are believing that destroying families and attacking fathers is going to be a worthy endeavor, you are mistaken to a degree of being delusional.
There are so many vulnerable/covert narcissist women it is astounding. These women abuse their husbands and use them for supply on a daily basis. When she then decides to discard him, devalue him and alienate him from his children that is how they spread their disease to the next generation and they will have no end of support from law enforcement, the injustice system, the infested CPS etc.
You will not be able to get one over on me and I will call you out if you try. If you want God to bless you in committing the most deadly form of child abuse, that of father deprivation, I pray and imagine that he will not. It seems you have a lack of ambiguity showing through and I will make everyone aware of these facts.
We can change the way we respond to narcissists or triggers with these excellent, direct and invaluable questions. We can literally remove the “buttons” that these people push. One day at a time.
I've found the Best way to ""deal with"" them is to Not deal with them. > Evicted from my life.
Undoing the damage.
@@LindaLouise625 Amen and thank you. I am working on that. Its just a question of time.
@@tbunnyshy1 ya .. sorry if I sounded pushy. I Know it takes time for sure .. I'm a senior .. and Really just getting my Freedom :)
Best to you!
@@LindaLouise625 Not pushy at all. I’m 52 hoping to get into a 55+ community. I just want peace from nonsense. Then I can grow and have regular problems. 🤣
I asked my brother (RIP) question number one in a more pointed way "Why are you acting like such an asshole?" His answer, without a hint of irony: "I'm not acting."
Any attempt to penetrate the psyche will be met with tireless deflection.
Wow. He certainly gave you the unvarnished truth. I had a brother, also recently deceased, who had the same attitude. He blocked all family from the last 10 years of his life. When he was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer the final year, he chose not to reach out to any of us. One of his last friends checked in on him, and finally got him in hospice the final day of his life, all without informing us. It was the next day that the family had to arrange for tidying up the remains - claiming his body, cremation, and all the legal aspects of clearing out his apartment, taking care of the financials, etc. He was angry, opinionated, and difficult to deal with his entire life. Most all of these questions fit him perfectly, especially #5, #6, and #9. It saddens me that he refused to contact family before his death. His friend explained that he believed it would make him “look weak”, causing us to pity him.
I say "believe him".
Mariel you are so spot on. One of the things that is part of a lot that you read on narcissistic healing or healing from narcissistic abuse is this one truth. “If someone shows you who they are, believe them”
@@elizabethclarkson979 true
That’s awesome lol 👍😂
Something shifted in me the last few days......I might be seeing the end of the tunnel. It is six months to the day since I was discarded. I am seeing light and life returning to my days, and it feels solid like it might stop coming in and out again, and just stay with me on a permanent basis. I don't even want to see these people now! for fear of upsetting this newfound balance.
👍😊❤
You have to be little to belittle!🤔 I never thought of that but it makes sense!!
My dad's a narcissist and we act like complete strangers despite living in the same house. I was packing his lunch but he left pretending to be in a hurry and made me seem like it was my fault that I couldn't pack it on time. I'm feeling horrible even though I know I don't deserve it.
Yes! I completely understand and it hurts and makes you feel or something is wrong with you! I absolutely hate it!
Pack his own lunch!
👋 Team Healthy… a gentle reminder to watch Dr Carter’s ☀️ other channel too. Videos like “Two Kinds of Power” (just watched it) feed into what we are learning here. 🙏 ☀️ 🐕 ☮️
Thanks for the plug, Karen!!
I didn’t know. Thank you 😊❤
Whoops… I meant “Two Kinds of Authority.” 🤦♀️
Oh my goodness what other channel? What am I missing?
Thanks Karen went on a search and found it under, Dr. Les Carter. woohoo lots of new video's I haven't seen yet, gonna be binge watching for a while. lol thanks again.
Tick Tick Tick to every single point Dr. C! Zero responsibility, infantile attitude & never-ending aggression & confrontation, it's exhausting
Infantile attitude. 🎯💯😱
1. "Why..." would trigger a rage.
💯
Narcissism is universal. Every country has them.
Exactly.
1. Why are you the way that you are? (Response: Denial or deflection or other non-answer.)
2. Why do you feel it’s necessary to mistreat the few decent people you have left in your life?
3. Where does your chronic agitation and irritation come from?
4. Would you like to talk with me about what you gain when you belittle others? ie. You have to be little to belittle
5. Why do discussions with you so easily turn into a competition? ie. constant invalidation
6. Why are you so secretive? (Giving half truths, lies, falsehoods, lies of omission)
7. Do you ever feel sad when you’ve treated others poorly? Do you ever feel responsible for hurting others feelings?
8. How did you decide that it’s ok for you to decide how everyone else is supposed to be? (Directives and unsolicited advice.)
9. Why are my separate opinions and perspectives so threatening to you? Why don’t you take responsibility for yourself? And let others do things their own way?
10. At what point in your life did you decide that you’re superior to others? Why do you insist on condescending to others?
*Look For Boomerang Questions: Asking YOU questions when you asked THEM questions about themselves. They deflect and evade questions and put the pressure back on the other person…keeping them in a state of confusion.
My daughters narc says he’s too perfect to seek therapy bc he self regulates 😂
😂👍
Every time you ask why something is wrong with a Narc, they will say they are alright and accuse you back that same thing is wrong with YOU. It's like talking to a wall.
Hey Dr. C. For many years I sought the answers to such questions from narcissists, all for nought of course. As the confusion clears, I'm hoping to find my peace, and even some joy, and less grief.
Keep leaning forward, Noel. I'm so pleased to know the lightbulbs continue to turn on!!
As the vision clears….. a perfect description of the process. Keep learning….. brainwashing takes a while to scrub off!!!
I have asked the question many times; "what does the narcissist get out of being rude and mean." I think because they live in the moment and must act superior when in the presence of others they disrespect, they are only focused on that momentary feeling of superiority when they cause someone else to be upset. From my observations, they live moment to moment instead of day to day.
My narcissist would not look or listen. He would just walk off or say shut up. He never speaks or answer me EVER! He is actually causing me health problems.
Is the number of predatory people in this country on the uptick? This isn't just about narcissists only. It seems that with each passing year the amount of dysfunction and seriously maligned and bedeviled population is exploding like 2 rabbits in a small cage. Or was people a lot more able to keep their personal psychological issues under control or .is all this dysfunction part of the times we currently live in? Are people in other countries tormented by an increase in understanding psychological conditions n finding out their societal world is just as screwed up as here? It's kind of difficult to explain this as a ? Many blessings ya'll.
U may like his political work and voted for him even but Trump encouraged Aholes to be themselves
Capitalism rewards narcissistic behaviour. Yes it’s getting worse
I’m guessing social media anonymity may have something to do with it. People are “braver” behind a keyboard in Mom’s basement than face to face.
Everyone has a car and at least a cellphone. People feel like they're God or something.
It's the same in Europe..
The gaslighting is almost the least of my concerns at this point sadly. My mom was temporarily staying at my narc aunts house and had a stroke. My narc aunt is a nurse of 30+ years who hates me because (in her own words)..when I was born as the first grandchild, I “took my narc aunt’s place as the first child” in her parents’ eyes. Anyways, my narc aunt and nurse of 30+ years did not take my mom to the ER during her stroke symptoms. She waited until 5 days later when finding my mom outside her house on the ground at night paralyzed. I honestly believe this was done in purpose. Now my aunt goes to the nursing home spreading lies about me turning the nursing staff against me. She calls my mom’s friends trying to find info on me now that I’ve blocked her from my life. She even after recently finding out about a family member who molested me as a child has started to tell the secret to family and tell them I made it up. I am so tired and worn out by the trauma bond she and my mom have that some days I just want to cut ties with my mom too to officially be done with my narc aunts craziness since I now talk to no one in the family. I pray God gives me the strength to make it through all of this.
I’m sorry 😢
Oh and how do I know that my aunt saw my moms stroke happening and didn’t take her to the ER (and of course she didn’t contact me as it was happening)? Because my aunt called and told me so herself…after the fact. My mom has expressed that she feels my aunt is getting some type of joy when visiting her and seeing her now bedridden. But what my mom is voicing I have also felt as well and agree with her that that is the case. It hurts so much to know my aunt is also enjoying the pain I have seeing my mom in this condition, thus I have started to cut all ties with her but the actions she continues behind my back do not stop the pain.
@@ginafarley6190Thank you. I know God will get me through this. I just have so much anger and now am tasked with so much forgiveness and patience to try to work on that it’s just exhausting/too much at times.
It amazes me the lengths narcissists will go, just to make others look bad. They really are demented in their thinking. I'm sorry you have to go through this. As someone who experienced major betrayal by my own family, I understand your exhaustion. Maybe you should just take a break from the situation.
You do not need to forgive your aunt for the hurt she has and continued to cause. If you can interact with her as little as possible, may you then start to deal with your feelings and move forward
These videos have been a God send to me as it was a rude awakening when my sister attempted to gaslight me last year. I'm praying that she'll get the help she needs for her cognitive dissonance and the foundational cracks left from childhood. Also, the (community) comments helped me to realize that someone really did understand and I felt less alone. I've been telling everyone who needs help about Dr. Carter. Psychological abuse IS abuse.
100% my teenaged step-son. He grew up in a dysfunctional, volatile home with a toxic mother. He lives with us now and your videos are very validating Dr C!
In the 41 years that I was with my now EX husband did he would never answer a direct question; As for trying to have a discussion with him, it never happened, because as he would put it, 'This isn't up for discussion.' You can't discuss anything with a narcissist.
36 ugly years for me and yes they demean you by not paying attention to you or reading something while you talk but other people they will listen intently. thnak-god you are free!! I hope to be free soon!
And that last question, my NH would say "because I'm smarter than most people, I can see through the crap". He answers his phone when I HAVE to call him as "your hunk is here" so I made my ringtone say "not hunky is calling" (and he thinks he can see through crap), lol.
I used bad to the bone for awhile. 🤣
I have no idea how to navigate this with a child. We had initially agreed on peacefully separating, I have a place available in April or may. She has all the wealth, all the money, all the resources but I am making it happen. Well, the peaceful part has quickly turned into a nightmare beyond most people's comprehension. This is not normal and not healthy. Your videos have helped me to recognize the patterns. For 5 years I have truly thought I was defective, because, well, I am. I have made huge mistakes and have shortcomings, but those do not define me entirely. I don't even do anything I used to enjoy because she makes sure to ruin any idea of what I might want in my life. I wish I could reveal the absolutely disgusting bombardment of degrading abusive insults last night.... just absolutely mind blowing. I had no idea this was a thing and your videos have shown me how to recognize it.... and man. It is spot on. Can you please help me Dr Carter. Or at least point me in the direction of someone familiar with. NPD abuse. Thank you.
Funny, I was thinking the same about Gus, that he was hanging off your every word. He has definitely found his place of peace, no doubt via your sage advice, Dr C. 🙂
I’ve been gaslit all my life by my abuser who is a textbook narcissist to the max. I found Dr. Carters videos a couple years ago and every single fact he explains felt nostalgic it was SO accurate to my upbringing. I felt a weight lifted knowing now for certain I wasn’t crazy and was dealing with a known abuser personality type. This horrible person would throw children under the bus just to be able to avoid responsibility or fault. Even as a child I had to hear everyone tell me I was the problem. To this day this abuser remains a vile atrocity and has thrown away multiple relationships not just for themselves but for the few people who remain loyal as well. It absolutely baffles me that anybody would willingly stay anywhere near this person and the longer they have the more they are like the narcissist. It’s horrific and disgusting and I get just a little peace of mind from these videos knowing that it’s actually a well documented personality disorder. I wish narcissism were legally actionable. It’s always so prevalent but makes it cunningly difficult to prove abuse.
In the entirely crazy making world of the narcissist, yet again you are the resounding voice of reason.
These relationships have me questioning myself to the core and I'd be crippled with doubt if you didn't constantly hit the nail square on the head.
Thanks for the affirmation and validation.
Yes, we need that validation after being terrorized and brain washed. I no longer question if I'm a good person. I am good, they are not. Thanks to Dr C and many others.
Lots of times they don't know why they're angry. They can't answer these questions because they don't know themselves.
Zero ability to empathize, zero ability to self reflect = no knowledge of self and no way to feel anything emotional ✅️
loving the pup on the sofa!
I'm rather fond of him too!
I found peace with this lesson. Beginning to be able to take control of my life by standing up to bullying is taking me out of the darkness and into the light. Thank you so much.
I'm in the middle of a divorce with this narcissistic person. It's been a terrible 20 year marriage. It became physical abuse as well. But as a narcissist will tell every and any person that will listen is that you physically them even if they are at least 70 pounds heavier and 8 inches taller. I'm getting closer to knowing what freedom will be like again and not having someone put me down at every chance possible. Now I can see why 2 ladies before me broke off the engagement to him.
Thank you Sir 30 years thinking Im the crazy one now I find myself so lonely in his company so now I have some building blocks to correct this❤ God Bless Everyone who is a victim of this ungodly thing!
Lol heck yeah you can, it’s called a deposition in front of a camera in a divorce. Coming soon to a theater near you lol
Very well put. It's a bad place to be on the receiving end of a narc.
My daughter has 3 college degrees including a MS, she has had 2 cadillacs and a BMW and now has a 5 acre ranch home at age 33...she tells everyone she is the victim of bad parenting...very sad, she was loved and cherished by her parents, but now she is so far gone, I doubt she will ever return to the person she once was.
Sounds like she emphasizes externals over internals.
@@SurvivingNarcissism She traded her soul for material wealth
@@gloriastreet4684 I blame this social media environment of selfies and entitlement, where everyone is a winner even if they didn't try.
@@gloriastreet4684 Good for you. She really DOES want you to be there - to use you as a punching bag. Best to step completely out of her life. You can't fix her, and you've done everything you know how, but she's determined to never let a resolution be achieved. Like other narcissists, she's just a bottomless well of venom that she wants to spew all over her targeted scapegoat - you. Best wishes to you. I recently had to embrace being done with an older sister (me-67, her-74) for all the same reasons.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes it certainly does. However we are not given enough information about this for example how does the daughter define “bad parenting?” And we don’t know specifics of the upbringing. Also just like you can have several siblings raised by the same dysfunctional parents they see the way they were raised differently and they may have turned out differently based upon their own internal/genetic make up. I was raised by a narcissistic father and a top of the scale borderline/narcissistic mother. My sister and I did not talk for 10 years and we are now developing a relationship sadly it took the passage of both parents for that to occur but she now sees our upbringing for what it really was and has had certain things a car with her own children that causes her instantly to say how one generation raised in this function begets the next generation raised in this function and to me that was like hitting the lottery my brother who is a mini me of my narcissistic father, my sister finally said “I don’t think Marty will ever get to the point where we are“
BUT
If you were to ask my parents they would immediately go into gaslighting mode and say “we loved our children we did the best for our children they turned out fine“ and if they were told that their children thought they were bad parents we got accused of trying to blame our parents for everything, of accusing our parents of bad parenting to try and get out of taking responsibility for all of our many shortcomings, of them telling us what we should do and we would “never listen“ so no parent especially if they are narcissistic is going to ever say yes my child struggled because I could have been a better parent or because I was a bad parent or because there were things I could have done differently or better etc. etc. and as you know some adult children of narcissistic, dysfunctional, or toxic upbringings become unable to do anything for themselves, difficult to make decisions etc. etc. but others overcompensate they want everyone to know that they can be and acquire and do all of these things despite the way they were treated by their parents. And respectfully I just don’t think there’s enough information for us to make a call.
So,YES, On the surface I agree- it looks like this daughter values the external over the internal but I think we need to ask ourselves why
Thank you for all of the wonderful wonderful information that you provide for us, we will never tire of reading it
Now I understand my narcissist sister. Wow!
I grew up with a narcissistic mother so it has been very difficult for me to unlearn the things she taught me. In her mind, being a mother gives her the right to abuse, belittle, and make decisions for me. I always thought all lothers were this way and I wondered why other people loved their mothers so much. Ive realized my mother is not a normal mother about two years ago and its been a process to find out how much of what shes told me is real/fake.
I began to recognize the unhealthy relationship that I had with my mother when I was 40. I knew nothing about narc. but I now see that was how she moved through life. When I met my husband, he responded to the world like my mom so I thought that was what "love" looked like. I spent 30 more years trying to figure out what was wrong with me but got away 14 years ago. It takes time but I am getting healthier and healthier.
I encourage you to listen to Dr. C and face whatever your childhood was like. With God's help, you can and WILL grow and become more and more healthy. I am so thankful that you realize this while you are so young and do not have to marry a narc and live years with him suffering his abuse. God bless and be with you.
Another good question - "which is more important.....my feelings, wants and needs....or yours?"
Watched a Shaneen Megji stream on 10 questions a narcissist simply cannot answer, and copied them onto a note on my phone, just in case. Also added the 4 questions that Dr. C streamed(about a year ago) that expose a narcissist’s neuroticism.
I’ll likely add these 10 about gaslighting to my list.
I understand the difference in topics, and am really excited to expand my understanding.
Keep learning, Aaron. You inspire me!
Me too!
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thanks for not adding a hashtag. People might talk, lol.
@@aaronkwolfe lol 🤣 I'm mean't that I'm excited to expand my knowledge. Then I saw Dr.C s comment... You are inspirational though. I won't shout too loud tho in case I spoil your street cred. 🤫
@@amandaliverpool3374 I couldn’t help but lol. I didn’t even try.
Dr. C, how do we address these issues when the narcissist is your elderly father that you’re taking care of at the end of his life? There are so many things I want to say to him but I stop myself because he’s dying. It’s so hard because these behaviors are getting worse as he nears death. Thank you for all of your wonderful advice and bringing so much peace and clarity to these situations.
I went through this with my narc mother. I cared for her the last 5 yrs of her life. Granted, I didn't know what Narcissistism was exactly, but I did tell her everything she did to me. She, of course, denied it. You have to get it out of your system. If you can't tell your father & maybe you really shouldn't then write him a letter. You don't have to give it to him, but you can get all that crap out of your head. I wrote my dad a letter after he passed away to tell him that I was sorry for blaming him and that it took his death to see my mother for what she really was. I cried as I wrote the letter to him, but it made me feel better. It's for you, not for your father. I also wrote my NM a letter after she passed because I found out how she never wanted me or liked me and how she stolen so many of my things...some I found in the attic, others I never found and again it made me feel better. You have to find a way to get the toxic out of you. Write a letter if you can't tell him in person. But don't expect him to take responsibility or an apology. If you do it, then do it for you. He will never own up to anything, but you know this. I hope this helps. Just because they're dying doesn't give them a free pass. Just don't put yourself in harms way either. Something to think about.
My ex would create horror and arguments etc then blame me that he couldn't get anywhere in life as I was holding him back with all the arguing etc.
We are listening to you Doc! However we are looking and adoring cute Gus face! 🐾. Most the time he is curled up and we can't see how cute he is! Gus is the Healer 🙏
My doctor suggested keeping a Journal: HER ACTUAL RESPONSE: "What do you write about? You don't do anything." Doh! You got me.
If only narcissistic people understood themselves. Every week I not only learn something new but you help me logically understand what these personality types are like and how to navigate. It’s such an important life skill. Boomerang communication is a great term. It’s so nice to see Gus in videos. “Gus isn’t going to gaslight you”. Haha. 😂 He’s def a very cool doggie. Thank you. Dr. C.
I wish I would’ve known your top ten questions 35-40 years ago!! Thank-you Dr. Carter, this is one of my favorite videos!
When you feel confused, you should discern whether there is a narcisist involved. Thank you dr Carter❤
Haha, Gus was listening. I think that fifth question tickled his ears. :) I don't think I could stand being around the narcissist long enough to ask ten questions. Great food for thought though. Thanks.
I have a Neglectful Narcissist that I am trying to escape. He is dismissive in every facet and frame. This video is largely to the T. His new favorite thing is to tell me that he cannot talk to me because _ , _, or _. Whatever he decides is the reason that minute, which will surely change to some other reason in the next breath. It's truely insane. And I fully completely recognize the codependence I have that has put me in this very situation. I asked him outright today, knowing full well I would never get a honest answer, why do I have to beg, plead, cry, scrape to get even a thread of anything from you since day one? His response, he's resentful 😂. What is there to be resentful since day one. 🤔 😂😂😂 He couldn't answer!! Right back to saying some other nonsense and somehow turns it around again how he is a victim. Honestly this is crazy!!! And I don't know whether to laugh, cry, shit, or go blind. All I know is, I wish leaving and living single was more accessible in the US. Because I would leave in a heartbeat if I could.
Say, "Wow, I wish you were around when I had that problem. You're solution to my problem is perfect. You give the best advice I ever heard."
But keep yourself in a passive aggressive attitude. In other words gaslight them first. Yes, in time you'll discover when they're about to expose themselves.
The way these personalities Carry themselves actually make me feel sick
That intro music is so....
Congruent to the message
Gus is so patient
I imagine him thinking
'I have been aware of all this since I was a puppy - just wish I could utter words of a human language. Just so glad that my human lead carer can'
She seemed to settle on a Marriage Counselor. I don't cry easily but the first session, to my chagrin, resulted in me weeping uncontrollably for 45 minutes in the Parson's Chair across the room while she and the Therapist observed like dead fish. Time's up. That seemed to be the Goal according to them.
Vulnerability scares narcissists.
Being a narcissistic person sounds more exhausting than not. I wonder why so few ever realize it.
I work with a narcissistic and I really want to ask “on a scale of 1-10, how exhuasting is it being you?” but it would make things worst.
@@JL-co2gk You would probably get an answer like "I wouldn't be so exhausting if you weren't so difficult "
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. I hope all are doing well and living in Peace. Thank you Dr. Carter for a great video. We appreciate you so much because you are so helpful to all of us. More than you could ever know.
Thank you, Alice!
Yes like some removed the veil from my eyes but what really gets me is why I didn’t see it sooner?
@@aliceroberts1980 I have spent too much time beating myself up for not seeing it sooner :( > I think the ONLY way a person would ''see it sooner'' is if they were of the same cloth (so to speak) ..
It's kinda like being hit by a car while crossing the street and blaming ourselves for not being psychic :).
I know .. crappy example .. but .. I took a longgg time to put the responsibility where it belongs . Not with me > Not with you. that's theres. You deserve Peace, Happiness, Respect & Freedom!! ((so do I)) :)
I'm 65 now .. took me most of that 65 years to liberate myself (with the help of folks like our Doc C here :) ) . Still > Freedom .. Better late than never :D
I really hope You have the best day Alice I'm going for a nap after shovelling snow for an hour or two!! :D
I left at 64 after 32 years of marriage. I was so cynical. Once you get out and begin seeing that not only is everyone not a narcissist, but most of them are truly good, generous, and caring, the cynicism will pass. You may still have trouble trusting, I certainly do, but you may realize that's because you don't trust yourself to make good choices about people. I wish you great healing.
@@aliceroberts1980 you didn't see it because you don't do that, wouldn't do that, and we can't understand that someone else functions that way. We expect reason and empathy from others because we give it, so it is a continual shock and disappointment when we don't get it. As I wept to my psychologist, what is wrong with me that I looked in his eyes and didn't see the lies? His immediate answer was, nothing is wrong with you. Some people are just really good liars. It wasn't you, Alice.
Isn't it awesome, I'm 70 and feel the same way. Go team healthy, Gus and Dr. C.
Thank you, the modus operandi is just so clearly illuminated in this video.
Sometimes it’s baffling to me how so many people are walking around with the same toxic ways of relating to others. I feel grateful for having the space to process this now that I’ve moved away and have low-no contact.
Ha, never could ask my narc mom a question, it always was turned back on me. So very defensive. Ask her "why are you mad"? Answer "maybe you're the one who is mad". WHY questions send them into a rage. That's how you know who you're dealing with.
I lived with one for just 4 months and honestly I didn't know what hit me. From her account I was root of all evil, despite going above and beyond supporting her and her child. I was so confused when I was trying to have calm discussion. It was always met with counter argument and deflecting. In futility I tired to explain these weren't personal attacks. I was diminished, ridiculed and belittled by bringing anything up for discussion. I was told how many better options she had yet regretfully she settled on me. I'm no Saint and some of this stuff was making me very frustrated and angry. I never touched her but often she would physically block my escape route when I was overwhelmed in argument and needed respite. My anger was used to call me abuser and narcissit, which broke my heart. It left me with no other option but to ask her to leave and I felt lot of guilt because of it.
As she called me a narcissit that prompted me to look what is it all about. I was so relived to say that I don't think I'm narcissit. But it opened my eyes to the mistreatment and gaslighting I was subject. She made me self doubt myself and my good intentions. I really looked at myself and asked if I could have communicated better to avoid escalation. Sadly I think it would lead to exactly the same outcome no matter how hard I tried.
Thank you so much for opening my eyes.
I'm married to one. He uses intimacy to hurt me. I never know what will set him off...but then I think it's my fault...he's always so calm, unfeeling and I seem to have more than enough emotions. I try to keep them to myself, but after a while they just burst. I'm hurt again, I cry....he goes to sleep or dives into TH-cam. He ignores. Me, any problem, or potential problem...it's causing me health problems. Last year I had a seizure....no history of, ever. I recognize the signs now and don't want to go back there. He promised, it lasted not quite 6 months. Back to square one. I'm tired and need advice.
Its bewildering after years of believing someone to be genuine in every communication and after the incident that reveals them you look back over the years identifying other likely misleads and realise how you lived a manipulation and were they every true and in love with me
Dr. Carter, I love these questions, but the narcissists I have known, I wouldn't dare ask them any of them. In the past, if I have confronted a narcissist like that, I was really sorry. Their comeback was so severe and then followed by dirty looks of contempt. Or they just skulk away, but that's rare, in my experience. But maybe I just don't have the guts to open my mouth when I should.
Dignity Respect Civility ❤️🙏
You as nothing! Just run for your life! Trust me,don't let you become a pacient of a therapist! Trust your ancestral instincts!RUN!!!!
I asked him why he thought he should tell me what to do. I told him that I had a better education, and no DUIs. I hadn't racked up a bunch of debt and I'd never hit anyone in MY car and I never went to jail for assault. It did not go over well....
Yes, "facts are inconvenient things," especially when confronting lying narcs. Whenever my husband tries to gaslight me, I reply with, "Nope, I know the facts. Unlike you, I don't have a memory like a sieve. I remember EXACTLY...what you said...what you did...how you acted... (etc.)" It at least fends him off, at best really shuts him down when he sees he can't succeed with his lies.
"I told him that I had a better education , and no DUI's" LOL! Love it. Then the list got longer and it appears he has a lot that can be used to put him in his place.
So many great points presented which I can relate! Thanks Dr. C and Gus for your guidance on this "Path of Peace". I need it 💕💖
. About a year ago my partner of 15 years discarded me and it's been difficult to contextualize the experience.
At the end, I was codependent, depressed, overweight, agoraphobic to a degree, and tired all the time. It was like my body forced me to acknowledge how bad things were.
If you'd have asked me then I would've said I was happy. It really scares me how I wasn't aware of my own experienc.
It's taken a long time to grow back into my personality and balance myself.
One of your videos about how it feels after a relationship spoke to me. It felt like you were talking about me. I've been trying to figure out why I'm not interested in dating and have such a negative view of it.
Your videos have helped me a lot.
Thank you.
or the one I got was.." I'm more logical, your more emotional" so they know better, even though it was emotional reactive abuse I was going through was what made me "emotional".
That's classic gaslighting!
Dignity ,Respect and Civility covers it- and Gus knows it! Thanks for your clarity!
Gus looks so comfortable and sweet. 🐶❤️🐶❤️ He does a great job with these videos. LOL
Narcisists are lost and confused people who do not know how to live happy and meaningful lives and we must not submit to their whims and demands. We can not afford to get pulled into their dysfunction and chaos. Fitting into the narcisists’ narrative will result in destruction and despair. Narcisists bring about ultimate misery upon themselves and their victims. Thank you for your wisdom and support dr Carter. God bless you❤
Thanks, Iza.
My sister has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she is the most hateful person to deal with. If you say or do something she doesn’t like, she’ll give you the silent treatment for days, weeks, months or even years. It’s very sad that she is filled with so much hate and rage. But of course, it’s all my fault! 🤣
Isn’t it awful? Did she go to your parents to get you into trouble or make you look bad?
I have the same sister! I finally moved out of state and blocked her phone calls. So she told lies about me and I’m okay with that.
Blessings to you.
#1 - “why are you the way that you are?” Hahaha so many times I’ve thought of this gif of Michael Scott from the office saying this exact quote when I’m talking to them!! 😂😂😂😂😂 👍
That made me chuckle. I wonder how Dwight would answer that Q.
They’re so good at what they do…. You’ll feel “guilty” doubting them!!!! 😮 n they’ll watch with no guilt, shame or REMORSE! I call that “ruthless”!
Bless you brother... Been watching your videos for a couple years now since my nasty experiences with a narcissistic ex... Very helpful and insightful but more than anything, I really appreciate your delivery and composure. Seems like a genune! Endeavour to help people that really do need the help. Appreciate it, thanks!
These are so amusing, because they're so true. The idea that anything they do is wrong is simply beyond them. Ask or say something to the point, and occasionally you will see them for a split second try to process it and they can't do it, so they'll immediately come back with something else.
They want you to feel guilty for how they treat you and shame you as well!
this Gaslighting Rarely Happens in beginning. Typically not until 3 months in, after you’ve fallen for them.
Thank you 😊💜🙏
I hope that you can know even a little bit of how much you help SO many of us! When I read the comments and know that so many are still in the center of the control of a narc. God bless you!
#10: My sister
My exasperated mom came up to me and said "Your sister!! All her co-workers call her a *itch" when I was in my 20s.
My sister left the work force in her late 20s....I'd don't think anybody wanted to deal with her.
She entered the workforce as a 20 something know it all with a Masters
Her favorite phase is "The right way to do it....", as if she has all the right answers.
But I don't think she is able to process trade-offs....unique to each situation.
All sorts of excuses for spending decades in her basement doing art work selling a street fairs.
"Women are treated unfairly"
"Carpal Tunnel"
Decades later she always starts a conversation with "I have a Master's in X"
Whereas most people in their 20s get over how fantastic they are just because they have a degree...when stark reality sets in