Spot Workplace Narcissists and Block Their Paralyzing Power to Hurt You
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ต.ค. 2024
- 🟢 Order My New Book and Attend a Special LIVE Workshop Sept 25: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
At first, narcissists at work may seem like funny, charismatic saviors who rescue you from tedium and isolation at work. But if you were neglected or abused as a child, you may not see the red flags that they're ABOUT to turn on you. In this video I respond to a letter from a women who spent the last five years of her life under the control of manipulative, narcissistic co-worker who ground down her confidence and isolated her from virtually everyone at the office.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com...
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com...
Narcissists trying to copy you is very real. They do that a lot. They copy every little thing you do, even the smallest things and take great offense when you keep secrets from them. They have no identity of their own and model their entire life after someone else. Someone they perceive to be better than them, but also secretly hate for being better. It can be very unsettling and nobody else will believe you.
This. I worked with a gross narcissist for 2 years. They are extremely dangerous individuals.
Exactly!
Yup there's a 60 year old lady at my work who's a severe narcissist and she copied 3of my hairstyles and now does her hair like mine all the time and so I started changing my hairstyles and so she started Chainging hers to different hairstyles. This lady is crazy plays sick mind games. I'm so sick of her shit one minute she likes me next minute she's giving me dirty looks making stupid rude Comments and acting like she is staying 10 feet away from me. The last time she did this is said im done! F this lady so I now ignore her unless it has to do with work and it's so obvious she's in shock always has her eyes on me just watching. Yup anytime i was alone talking to another employee she always thought we were talking about her lol. It was ridiculous. But she has had a problem with everyone at work but I was the most targeted because I'm nice I fell for the i want to be your friend act I fell into her trap. But I'm so done!! I'm surprised because I'm usually so strong minded but nope I could not see a narcissist coming. 😢
@@lononya6494bless you and thank you for sharing, I've experienced similar and you're right it's sickk
Sounds like what my ex boyfriend was doing. It was like he was trying to become me
Don’t make close friends at work period!
Yes hang out occasionally but not to the point of personal
Not unless it's a company party! And stay sober at the company party!
I learned this the painful way. I have since become very surface with everyone. I cannot trust any of them.
why?
But if Ignore my one co worker, he tells the lead and manager, I have a bad attitude and that there is something wrong with me.
And 10 minutes later, here comes the lead. Neil... what is wrong?
(What a moron)
I wish I knew this earlier. Am going through hell as we speak
Narcissists run hot and cold, they are not your friend. You are their supply. Once the supply bucket is getting boring or empty, they will start to devalue you.
A friend of mine had a colleague who totally destroyed her. Not only was my friend fired from her prestigious position of 20+ years, but she never recovered emotionally from the injustice and the violence of it. She is dying from cancer now, and the doctors don't even have a diagnosis of where this cancer is coming from. It's all connected to the public humiliation, personal destruction of character and the fear of not making it in the world. Narcissists are deadly sociopaths. Literally deadly. Thanks for the video!! Awesome as always...
😢🙏
That is murderous.
This is MURDER
She should expose the person who put her through so much pain! And ensure they get arrested on the basis of workplace harassment, wrongful termination, covert bullying, targeted harassment among other things
Prayers for your friend. I am so sorry!😢
I am so sorry … I’m dealing with a narcissist now. At work. I will get him fired.
I don't really like working with other people that much, certain kinds of people can bring the worst out in me.
I’m with you on this. I was excited to work a remote job only to experience that a toxic person will find a way to ruin it and it happened. I’m semi retired until my next adventure in working.
YOU bring out your dark side. Not other people. Your reaction is no one’s fault but your own .
@@Bryan48950 Easy there slick. You are a guy. You guys have no idea what women go through with other females, the catty jealous backstabbing. They can be horrible and relentlessly ruthless! And yes, bring out the worst in some of the coolest, kindest, harmonious people that you’ll ever meet.
Co-workers are not your friends, for me, at least.
It took me way too long to learn that. However, I have made a great friend who was hired at the same time as me, and we were the only 2 contractors, and her contract ended so we're no longer coworkers but will remain good friends. That is the most valuable thing that has come out of working at that place (I'm still there, but who knows for how much longer).
When you have a boss and coworker(s) like that, and they're also buddy buddy together -_-
This. I nearly lost my job because of this. Went from the highest performer of the group (established over 18 months), immediately to the "lowest performing" in a matter of 1 week, when I was moved into a team with a manager and coworker like this.
I’m glad she got out of there. Coworkers are annoying sometimes. Ugh. It’s like they think you owe them something and you don’t. We are just trying to earn a paycheck without all the extra crap🥴
And please do not add them on social media❌
@@youknowyoulikeit1000 I find them on social and block them before they can find me. Highly recommend.
@@malikastone that’s right🤣
Amen
Amen sis
I just left a very toxic workplace. My boss and someone else on the team were wretchedly classic narcissists. It was a horrible working environment and I’d rather be broke, living on spam and ramen noodles than work with either of those two ever again.
OMG! This is exactly what happened to me. A narcissist coworker - nice in the beginning, then everything was my fault, always told I was the one with the mental problem, gaslighting every conversation, jealous when I talked to coworkers or had plans with outside friends. She ran around gossiping about me and would go to the boss with lies, trying to get me fired. She even got cancer and told me to my face that it should have happened to me and not her. I ignored her for a while, but could always feel the seething anger when I was around her so I got a different job. It's been years and to this day I still have a hard time understanding how she could look like a normal person but be a complete monster full of so much hate. I hope this woman gets all good things at her new job and can dump all the toxic crap and residual hurt from her narcissist bully.
Oh my goodness I’m sorry you weren’t the rough this. It’s horrible.
Yep. They are out there roaming around like Satan himself. I also had a bad experience with co-workers. When will it end?
Yes, I can relate.....the phrase "seething anger" totally describes what I am experiencing too. Why all this anger?? I don't get it.
She got her Karma by getting that Cancer though
Beware of friends who purport themselves to be spiritual healers and "help you" by making you follow their teachings and methods, especially if you didn't ask for their advice.They are actually using their calling and knowledge to exercise power over you. Borderlines are often comorbid with narcissism. When you are feeling lonely, you can easily become prey to toxic people and predators. Don't drink poison, just because you are thirsty.
Never be somewhere alone with this type of coworker. Even if they are in a position of authority over you and they demand it.
Narcissists are empty inside, there is nothing inside, so they have to find someone creative, intelligent, kind, empathetic, and ambitious. They latch onto these people in order to try to become like them, but it's impossible because they are hollow inside. Some people call them emotional vampires, they feed on other people, they are incapable of having an original thought, they depend on this person for that.
Traumatized people attune themselves to the most dysfunctional person in the room because it's a survival reflex. That's a good way to figure out who the most messed up, toxic people are around you at any given time; who do you instinctively latch on to?
The narcs latch onto you
Your co-workers aren’t your friends.
I agree 💯
Excellent topic. I've had a very real exp' with a Borderline Narcissist in my workplace who was determined to "destroy" my reputation. Fortunately it just didn't pan out for her nastiness. My integrity and presence in the community was real, steady and constant. Malignant narcissism is a very painful experience. thank you so much for your contributions!!
Yes the best counter to narcs is the quality of your character and work. If it's spotless, it's pretty hard for them to destroy you.
They don’t put a spell on you. They just take advantage of their position of authority over you.
Definitely narcissism….. many therapists are clueless unless they’ve been bit🕷️🕷️
And even then they don't always understand your precise situation.
Yup
Many are narcissists too
@@smoothiecutie2277as in highly narcissistic without the actual personality disorder- that’s the difference in terms of getting through the training- though it can happen that a personality disordered individual holds a clinical license
Oh my goodness, the 'good vibes only' quote hits home! I mistakenly told someone I thought was a friend, that I was feeling low enough to end my life. I was really in the depths of despair. This person, instead of being supportive, told me to stop being 'manipulative' and that I was 'faking it'. I was absolutely broken, and she put the final nails in. She spoke to me on the phone a few days later, where she said she'd been 'misunderstood'. This cycle of on and off friendship, me chasing her, her ignoring me again, went on a few months. After a while though, my nerves were still frayed, so I decided never to try and repair this 'friendship', despite feeling lonely. She destroyed months of my life, poisoned friends and colleagues against me, even tried to get someone who was interested in me to stop pursuing me. None of these people are in my life now, thanks to her - but maybe it really it thanks, because they weren't true friends either if they fell victim to her lies.
Lots of narcissists say their are misunderstood
This was awesome! I’m child of an immigrant with a narcissistic alcoholic dad and borderline mom and the beginning stages of healing are so hard but it gets better and we’re in this together!
Best of luck Jacqueline. Two years from now you won't believe how clear your thinking is and how strong you've become. I can now say things that used to stick in my throat. That is so freeing because I can now defend myself when I need to. Be brave and go forward.😌
@@kathleenreardon8943 thank you sooooo much ❤
@Greg LeJacques thank you ❤
Exactly! The longer we worked together the more I realized what she was, however if you didn't work with her daily you just didn't know how bad she was. After a while she tried to get me fired when that didn't work she spread lies about me to anyone who would listen. I finally retired it became so bad. It all caught up with her, but by then she had done irreparable harm to me. I think every workplace needs to provide information on this type of employee so folks could be forewarned and forearmed. Especially management, because it often looks like two people who just can't get along. They are competent and practiced liars, management actually has to catch them in the act before they believe the other person. They ruin lives and they not only don't care, they actually love hurting other people.
Exactly. But HR does nothing. In my case I documented and documented and this person just made my life a living nightmare. Got to the point that I was so done with it that I just gave my notice and walked out. This person has been a problem, employee for years, and the company did not do a thing about it.
@@TB-zd1cm 💯 Completely agree.
All the documenting in the world doesnt help, when there is noone to hand the documentation to, who will then Do Something About It
coworkers aren’t friends. I keep that in mind.
Narcissism is simply descriptive; narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis. I use the word 'narcissism' without guilt when it fits. I don't say npd.
People with personality disorders do often have narcissistic traits...
That being said... I have a coworker like that. I have no idea why she hates me so much and likes to nitpick. She talks to me in a condescending manner. I'm actually the more experienced one in my line of work. But, she keeps jabbing me with insults. I have tried to deal with her by walking away because I don't want to get into a heated argument that would just drain my time & energy. But, she never stopped and I already told my manager twice that I am very affected by her behaviour. If things don't change, I may have to leave. It's not fair but she's driving me nuts.
I am dealing with the exact same thing! I started making formal reports and am very vocal about how it’s effecting me and my happiness and that if they don’t address it I will have to leave.
She doesn’t stop because you are showing that affects you, even by walking away. You have to act like you are not even aware of her presence, pretend like you are like: someone just said something?. You can even make eye contact but you act like she wasn’t there. It works wonders.
Been through this very thing several times. And the extra frustration & stress of it is that rarely do other staff or management see or acknowledge the lies/sabotage/harm. I recommend documenting every incident.
What I have done that I have found very successful is to talk to the bully/toxic person one on one. Have a direct, controlled but firm and strong message for her, stating to her what exactly she is doing, that you find her behavior (fill in the blank) (something definite and short, one word or two only), and that you want her to stop this behavior. That's all. Bullies are usually afraid of that type of firm and controlled directness.
Just leave. Many people are actually leaving toxic jobs like this for similar jobs in new environments with better pay. Look for a new job with the idea that you are doing it for an increase in pay rather than to escape a psycho. Upgrade time!
In these situations you find out who your true friends are!!
OMG I feel ALL Of this. Especially "her bad day was EVERYONE'S bad day." That's totally it.
Hahahaha the story of the workplace meeting. I had a similar meeting with the narcissist at work and our boss. I did the same. Called out all of their toxic behaviors that appear as a very clear pattern. The last thing I said after walking out when the meeting was ending was this-- "The only thing I'm trying to attain here--and what this entire meeting has been about--is that I am simply trying to achieve as much distance from YOU as possible."
Of course I don’t know the writer or the subject of the letter, but I did want to give some perspective about clinging to one person and then dumping everything on them.
I would do that a lot before I got the help I needed. I didn’t like my friends keeping secrets because I felt very hurt that they didn’t trust me with them so I would get angry.
I would be very mean and manipulative because I had no idea how to bond correctly. I knew how to vent, though. I knew how to say how alone I felt (even though I was saying that to people who wanted to be my friend).
I think about a lot how I probably had a lot of unintentional trauma bonds because I had no idea how to regulate myself.
Meeting people with patience, good intentions, and especially people who would call me out really helped. Because I literally never learned how to be genuinely nice and social (but I tried I a lot lol )
That’s why I think it’s so harsh to say like “don’t be their friend! They are toxic!” … but if people didn’t try to be my friend, I would’ve never learned how to not be toxic. Like, fair enough, don’t take abuse. But idk… being shunned, abandoned, or worse, tolerated because I was a jerk really didn’t help. Seeing people who were actually nice and pointed out my bad behavior really slapped me in the face and made me change…
Idk. I’m not saying if someone is not trying to change or if someone is actually just aloof and sucks to be their friend with hopes they will change. That would be a losing game, but i would say don’t be mean to jerks because they might need someone to show them other ways to live. Idk.
I was very aloof and hurtful because I had no idea how to leave my situation and would lash out. … Idk it’s hard to know what was me and what was a poor friendship, but lashing out didn’t help lol
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
First, I must comment that you are part of the good stuff in this world, regardless of where you are starting from. Your self reflection is beautiful, and I personally am happy to know of one more person who is truly able to look at themselves.
Well, as someone who "took it all", it's unfortunate but once someone has dealt with a mean person, it's near impossible to trust that person.
It's almost like how we react to wasps. We let them just be, but we don't try to pet them either..
Actually, adults are usually more tolerant than kids, so that's why mean people also tend to have friendships later in life after they are around adults who will try to accommodate them, so probably that's why you didn't get to have friendships much earlier.
I think you may have to work on forgiving yourself for any shortcomings, because you deserve it.
I get it, we all come from somewhere. I've also hurt people in my ignorance,
But I believe we have the responsibility to correct ourselves now that we can, instead of hoping that the world will understand. The world is not that kind, and even a doormat like me had to work my way out of it. Self forgiveness makes the journey much easier...
Sorry for my lengthy post though,, I totally get where you are coming from. And, I assure you, once you start putting in the personal effort, the world will adjust accordingly, and you will receive more grace in your healing journey.
You'll achieve your goals, and will get to where you want to be in life, that's my grace to you. 💖
That's where responding to harsh judgement with compassion can make a miracle. Bullies can flip into solid kind people sometimes. Take them under wing, lead by example, share another vocabulary, introduce them to the notions, and let them fly. Evaluate carefully when they return. Determine if you want to deal with them further. I have learned that some people need to be pushed away after giving them a chance. If knowing them brings drama instead of harmony, they aren't my friend even if I see them every day. ~~~^..^
@@squirrelcottage4052 true, being kind but also aware,, although it's a delicate balance sometimes
@@jullietmburu9672 I don’t really blame my self for how I acted. I didn’t really have a problem keeping friends until I was an adult and started realizing how miserable I was lol I didn’t feel a bond in friendships before then, but I had a good amount.
(I was a pretty quiet rule follower as a kid lol)
Now it’s more just hearing about how people would talk about that behavior on the internet now lol I just wonder about it. I know I was trying my best, and I know my best was not good for friendships and that’s why I don’t do it anymore lol
Two things that help (neither are easy--both are beneficial to life in general):
Get off of social media. There are about a thousand reasons to get off of social media, mostly all related to your internal sense of well-being and your mental health. But, if you're absent from social media, the narcissist cannot enact any psychological abuse there (and you don't have to see it, because you're not on there anyway).
Learn to not care about the frivolous opinions of others. Care only about the opinion of your closest loved ones (if they deserve it--plenty of blood relations do not deserve this from their family members). Care about the quality of your work, let your work speak for itself. Aim to show up on time, be kind to everyone, and do your work to the best of your ability. There's no need to care about opinions that have been designed by a toxic person. The authentic people at work will know the difference, and will know the real you. If they don't, then don't worry about it and just get your work done.
Remember that YOU are awesome, and it's the reason the narcissist picked on you in the first place. They want what you have, and what they can never achieve for themselves--self-love and real self-respect.
Agree with all the above.
Unfortunately, sometimes, all of this is still not enough. If the density of narcs becomes too high, if management is narky/ or simply too Ivory Towery to really see what is going on in the workplace, ... then it still will not save you. In this case: Leave before you get sick/ completely drained & discouraged.
🏃
When that is the only kind of people around, you get a rep as a loner...
This is like each of my AA sponsors: the mirroring, emotional manipulation, bullying and verbal abuse. And then the blackmail, "If you don't write that down and share it at a meeting you will ruin my sobriety and make me relapse."
I think that's my main challenge right now: to find a community, a healthy community to be part of and take my healing to the next level.
That's a great next step! If you're interested, Anna offers a membership program that includes access to all of her courses and a private group where members can share with and support one another. Here's a link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF-Membership -Calista@TeamFairy
I have a colleague who always told me to go to a meditation centre to 'cure' my sadness. However, the centre is at a secluded area. When I suggested that we should go to the centre together, she said that our timing wouldn't match, and it is always better that I travel there alone to receive the best experience.
When I said that it is not safe for a woman to travel alone, she said that I should think positively, and nothing bad will happen. I told my parents, boyfriend and close friends about this, and all of them said that it isn't safe to travel alone to a secluded area. I realised that it's just toxic positivity from a narcissistic colleague. It's sad to realise that the person that you spent a lot of time with is actually someone who doesn't care about you. My close friend said that it's better to realise it now than never. Thanks for the video.
Wow... this resonated really hard because I sort of held off dating for a long while because I didn't trust myself to not end up with a narcissistic person again 🔥. Turns out I got it better than I thought. But my tolerance is at negative right now, so I doubt I'd last a few hours with a toxic person.
Once again, 💖 thanks to the "Asker" for being brave and ask on our behalf, and Anna, 💓 thanks again for the free therapy,
I didn't date for years after divorcing my narcissistic husband and then immediately finding another narcissist. I realized I am drawn to them and I id not trust myself at all. Only now putting my foot back in the water. It's interesting to observe myself in this process now.
Sounds like she already got out of the narcissistic rabbit hole. Good on her! And just writing a letter to you on top of therapy shows she’s already figuring herself out and will do just fine. 😻
So weird this was posted today! I literally made a formal complaint about one a few days ago and am trying to deal with being happy at work again.
Love your channels. The stories you bring to light and talk about are so helpful and insightful. ❤️
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks for your courageous letter and, Anna, for the helpful response! I’m a merger by nature, myself, and I find that I often will gravitate toward dysfunctional colleagues because our codependent tendencies sort of match up - especially when I’m feeling vulnerable or unsure in my abilities. The problems arise when I start to break away from the weird trauma bond, like what happened to you! You are not alone!
Could you possibly do a video on religion and trauma? I have heard about certain people going through trauma because of certain religious beliefs they were told either by family or even other people they work with.
I'd like that too, it's called "religious trauma syndrome"
Psychiatrists (and therapists) legally cannot diagnose anybody without actually spending many hours interviewing them so the therapist could only GUESS the coworker was borderline. Also, some psychiatrists will not use the word narcissist. or narcissistic personality disorder regardless how ragingly abusive the person is. When I have having a terrible time with abuse at home I was at a psychiatrists.and despite hearing all the mid-twisting psycho narc stuff she pulled, he just told me that because my mom refused to talk to him, he could not diagnose her (making me think I must be the ill one) but then he went on to talk about CLUSTER B and BORDERLINE and that all meant nothing to me. It took another 30 years of this abusive woman in my life before a counsellor told me what the real problem was. Some therapists/psychiatrists cannot speak plainly.
I found Anna yt channel recently. I can't describe my impressions for her work. I can't imagine that someone like her exist. I listen her videos every day. I meet lots of people who have been working on different types of human mental and soul problems, but no one can't compare with Anna. She has a natural gift, she can improve this world, she can give peace and courage for people around the world. She can exactly explain the problem, she can feel pain and suffering of others, and she can lift them up. What a precious soul, wonderful, unique, divine - diamond. Thank you for everything ❤️👏🏻😊
We love Anna for sure. Really insightful and so down to earth and real! She is a Godsend!
Wow. So many points that made me look at my own crappy behavior and helped me see so much crap from others throughout my life.
Thank you so much for covering this 😭 I've been desperately trying to find anything on this topic, I found myself in a covert abusive place and for financial reasons couldn't leave for the longest time and still can't quite. I had to develop all sorts of coping strategies and I found myself deeply hurt, but unable to explain to anyone. One of the coworkers was especially bad, sounds very much like the person in this letter.
Thanks for sharing, it's such a difficult position to be in!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve been working in a similar environment for 13 years. We have 3 people like this. Like. Gang. Believe it or not they are in their 60’s! I believe one is Covert one is Malignant. I have watched them shred people over the years. I pretty much stayed out of the drama and tried to say something positive about anyone they were talking negatively about. Well apparently without my knowledge I was being paced “ on the list” yes they have a list! Now it has become my turn of horror! 13 years after working their NOW I’ve been accused of lying to get hired! I have been accused of “ cheating “ to be nominated for LRC! I’ve been accused of coming to work smelling like alcohol. ( I don’t even drink) I’ve been accused of horrific things with Men! I’ve just limited my time around these people the best I can. I do not respond. If I do I respond with “ ok” no matter what they say! I still try and defend others when I can, and I will as an LRC when they attack others. BTW one of these NARCS is also a LRC so me becoming an LRC has become a direct conflict for this gang! Sadly my supervisor has become friendly with this gang as well. He is our 3rd supervisor and was kinda sucked into this mess. Anyways. I’ve decided I’ve set my boundaries and not allowing anyone cross any longer best Decision ever❤
Anna, I really like when you mention movies that illustrate pertinent dynamics. I hope you’ll continue to do so. 😁
I was harassed by a Narcissist for 11 months. Acting like it didn’t bother me, only made her try twice as hard, running her mouth to anyone who would listen. She talked one flying monkey into coming back, and would recruit the new hires to stare and watch me too. And finally after flying monkey 1 hid my uniforms-I walked out on my lunch break. HR didn’t do anything, and even when It was during my two weeks notice-she couldn’t even leave me alone then. Why would you obsess over someone you know nothing about
Because she saw you were good natured and genuine and she was jealous of that (because that’s what she lacks herself) and wanted to rob it of you.
@@matts.6904 Thank You
I’m dealing with a narcissist at work now. I will get rid of him. My boss should’ve never hired him. This new guy started off as my friend and completely turned his back on me. Nitpick, telling me to do “take out the garbages” etc nitpicking at literally everything.
Yeah. The triangulation, the incessant criticism, the micro managing, the gaslighting ….
My previous job there was someone like that. We worked in the same area and what I did that worked like a charm was to act like I didn’t even notice what he did and I didn’t care about what he did. He got tired of my attitude and shifted his attention somewhere else.
Some people is so naive, who cares if she was crying. Fake tears, nothing more!!!
"...they see you as an extension of themselves ..." This is one of the hard ones to wrap the mind around though very important: narcissists don't be see others in a perspective that would be, I assume by all normative humans, perceived healthy; as a whole individual separate human . They see others as supply (of attention; may it be empathy / pitty / positive uplifters / evaluation / an emotional crutch .. )
They don't see us , don't care about us , when (if) they share personal and vulnerable things about themselves it is in order to enhance the trust and closeness we gain for them so that we share personal vulnerable things about ourselves with them ; by this the closeness we naturally develop for them strengthens their grip of control on us , and we literally gave them information which they will used against us. Along with this they are observing us , their victims , all the time like a radar (or like Richard Grannon brilliantlyuses the metaphor: "the eye of Sauron" ..) and scan our weaknesses , so thry know how to use this information for their personal ongoing need to fill their empty bottomless pit of lack of self love , self worthyness , accountability , self esteem , personality , etc ..
And , saddly , nothing we do will rver help them or satisfy them or be enough , ever. Ever. Ever.
Because they are programmed to catch a prey and use him/her for their need of supply. Like a vampire or a parasite. They either don't want to help themselves , or , could be that dome actually do but cannot change this manipulative way they have programmed themselves to survive.
In the bottom line it is sad. Though , as someone who learned the hard and painful way , it is very important to learn and let go of any illusions about the relationship with these people
My therapist has told me that BPD is a bit of a sexist term, it's applied more often to woman than men, and that in her opinion, it's just how narcissism manifests in women. Regardless, yes, she treated you poorly. I'm the daughter of a narcissist, and just divorced one. The BEST source of information I have found on them is from HG Tudor. He has a blog, and a youtub channel. He describes every aspect of what you've survived, but from both perspectives. Ours, and theirs. And it's been so healing and validating for me. Perhaps, he can give you some insight as well.
So glad you are out of the relationship. Best!
Thank you for speaking up. There is definite truth in what you say - I firmly believe the term Borderline has been historically and continues to be used by careless professionals and laypeople in a derogatory and yes sometimes misogynist way similar to "hysterical" or other, less gendered labels for mentally ill people, like lunatic, etc. I'm 49f and someone with diagnosed CPTSD, who has a good heart and has always tried to do good despite my often not knowing how but was misdiagnosed with BPD in the 90s (and Bipolar in the 80s). Because CPTSD or even PTSD outside combat veterans did not exist on the psychiatric radar until relatively recently. That experience was deeply traumatising, so I take this issue to heart. Back then, Borderline wasn't even identified as being related to childhood trauma. My abusive parents, one of whom had narcissistic traits, were told I was just "born bad" somehow and all my "Borderline" (CPTSD) symptoms and attempts at survival or suicide in that hell were tarred with that brush and looked at completely out of context of the full range ofabuse, neglect/abandonment, and emotional dysregulation I lived through until I left home at 18.
Now we know better that trauma is behind so-called Borderline, but I still hear A LOT of people, even people who should know better, bandying the term Borderline about as if these are "bad" people, whereas if other trauma symptoms, like people-pleasing, are more prominent in a person at any given moment, they are the "good" kind of victim/survivor. It's especially hurtful and sad when it happens on this channel, considering there are so many CCF videos that force us trauma survivors to face the reality that our wounds can and do make us hurtful or unpleasant people, at least some of the time. So if I want to be understood as a good but complex person, and that my hurtful behaviour and mistakes over the years are seen through the lens of the trauma I suffered, I must do that for others too - while holding ourselves accountable of course.
Sure, without a doubt toxic and abusive behavior in anyone is not ok and should be called out and addressed, but for what it is - not just a derogatory label that basically means bad or even incurable. And no, it's not a trauma survivor's job to tolerate it and try to help a toxic (wounded) person UNLESS they are at a further stage in healing and have the energy and wisdom to do so while staying safe.
But neither should we be putting people in different camps that are for "good" and "bad" trauma survivors. I don't think that's very healthy, insightful, or inclusive - but it is base human nature to "other" people that frighten us. I truly believe a day will come when we don't differentiate between so many so-called personality disorders. They'll all be understood as variations of CPTSD. Certain researchers and therapists already feel this way. I think these diagnoses only serve the academics who like to categorise and label human beings, the pharmaceutical industry (since we lnow CPTSD doesn't respond to medication really), and anyone who wants to just throw away people who act out with difficult behaviour. But for the grace of god go you and I...
Peace and healing to all.
Jeeeesuzzzz this is almost to the T what just happened to me!! Always diminished my accomplishments and she kept me close as “her pet project”. Everything came to ahead when she confronted me at work about how one sided our relationship was and it hurt for a little bit but now I feel as if I am the one who has made it out of her narrative. As long as I don’t engage in her negativity, I keep my beautiful autonomy
I feel like someone lifted this letter from my diary!
The worst is, I kind of lost my trust. I am on guard at work now, constantly. I keep my private life completely to myself now. I wish I could trust people again and not fear that it will be weaponized.
I know we don’t diagnose on this channel, but I have BPD. I’ve done DBT and CBT and am much better, but I’m not sure you ever recover completely. For years, I’ve wondered if my ex boyfriend is a covert narcissist. He exhibits many textbook characteristics, and while we were together, I inhabited the role of the bad person. No matter what the argument was about, it always ended up in the same place: everything was my fault. It got so bad at times that I began questioning my sanity. And because I have BPD and feel tremendous guilt and shame for it, I willingly took on all of the blame. I’ve since wondered if narcissists and borderlines are inadvertently attracted to one another. I think it’s possible that the letter writer’s colleague does have BPD; I recognise some of the hallmarks. She is lucky to have escaped relatively unscathed.
Appreciate you sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm from Canada. What is your advice? Same here being bullied, mobbed, gaslighting, harassed at the hospital for over 12 years. I've happened to be the top worker for 38 years and have never been suspended. These bullies are jealous and miserable people. Union, manager, HR and the police are all totally useless. Bullies are lazy bums and stupid managers are scared of the bullies. They say about me I'm crazy, I drink, I'm a stalker all bs defamation of character. The biggest mistake since they removed disciplinary measures. They should arrest the bullies and fire the manager. Action speaks louder than nasty words. It destroyed my reputation. I will never quit to make these lazy bums ever win. If I decide to transfer to another hospital and may start gaslighting, smearing and bullying me once again, I don't know all the new managers etc. like in every department like now. So best to not change hospitals. I will never let bullies try to control me from quitting. Just don't react and not try to defend yourself which will only go back and forth making me look even more guilty. Action always speaks louder than words. Just best ignore them and find another easier target. Never let these low life lazy coward bums ever win.
This is such an important topic to discuss!
I bonded quickly with one girl who ended up copying a lot of things about me. Her favorite saying was, “we’re literally the same person” every time I’d say something-anything, it seemed.
I made the mistake of sharing anything about myself, just trying to be authentic.
One morning, a new girl asked if I was the lab cheerleader, because I just had a lot of enthusiasm in my way of doing things. I later heard her say, “well, actually,… no… I’m kind of the lab cheerleader…”
I just smirked and acted as if I didn’t even notice her.
The final straw was my sharing with her one morning that it felt really good to get back to working out in the morning and her reply was, “well, good for you…” and then went in about how sick her dog was all morning, and that’s why she hasn’t been running or whatever. I just knew then who I was dealing with and decided to put her at a safe distance. She confronted me about it and I said I just un-brainwashed myself. I also made it clear without using names to the senior tech. She didn’t believe it. She’ll figure it out :)
You are refreshingly open & dead on with how people can totally try to manipulate you on so many levels!
I agree too ,that there is such a connection to prior narc abuse & that veil of not recognizing a new one in your life..
But...When a victim starts to learn what they are worth
they will learn to see what they deserve...
As a victim.. You will start to tune them out & turn the beat around!
The disco Ball light..no longer shines on them... & you learn that you can dance to your beat!
You have to start to learn to NOT --- be a people pleaser & that is also what they are seeking.
There are still people who deserve your love & intensity... There are still decent people who will love that about you & be respectful towards you.
but, these Narc's will never be mature enough to fully appreciate it....
Like in the Bible...."don't throw pearls to the swine! "
It's just a waste of your treasure & your time!
Awww Fairy! You didn’t want to put yourself out there because people would be mean to you! Trust me, I own a store and you would think it’s a happy place where people enjoy shopping but there’s always that one person that has an issue. I have learned not to to take the mean people or their criticism too seriously or the praise too seriously. I’m so glad you decided to go forward and do your brilliant job. Even if you sold ice cream there’s going to be people who aren’t happy!
There are definitely degrees of narcissistic coworkers but I found it enough of a pain to deal with people who'd say "oh I want to hear what you're thinking" which turned into 80/20 what they're thinking.
Also, one red flag I found was if someone said, why not talk more, and I'd say, well, I don't want to disturb others if they're working, and they looked at me funny.
"Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy night."
- Margo Channing
The narcissist 60 year old lady at my work is known by many past employees for lying about what employees are doing and getting people fired and or getting people to quit. She thinks people are scared of her because they walk away from her when she shows up next to them but its really because they dont want to be around her for her to lie about them.
Was her crying sincere? Possibly. My narcissist ex had no problem crying for himself- a lot of self pity.
This is eye-opening. Thank you for sharing and teaching.
This has been a big issue!!
But I understand so much more now!!!🥵
There are a lot of traits in common between BPD and NPD. My therapist said my ex sounded like BPD when I would put him more as NPD too. I think some therapists think layppl “overuse” the word narcissism nowadays to describe problematic individuals, so they are cautious to label it as such when the person being described is not present, and will go with BPD instead.
Thank you for putting out so much quality content. Your hard work is so appreciated. I listen to one of your videos every day on the way to work and I start my day knowing that whatever happens, I have the ability to self-regulate and that knowledge is so empowering.
Wonderful & powerful perspective!
-Cara@TeamFairy
LOVE that All About Eve analogy...it's TIMELESS.
DO NOT! And I mean, DO NOT share personal details of your life with your coworkers. Keep it positive and superficial. I was an HR manager. Please protect yourself.
I hope we push for bulling and what follows to be made a felony. I’ve encountered more of these individuals who recruit like minded people to target and do character assassination against others. We need to move forward with making coercion control a felony in this country. It’s no longer a matter of the positive trying to influence in order to change the behavior. I say it this way because that’s what a supervisor said to me once when I said why can’t we just put all the abusive employees in one department and let them have at it with each other, they actually do that anyway when they don’t get access to targets. I’ve tried to work with these types and I’ve found that nothing works so when I get to that place I stonewall and do the silent treatment just to protect myself. I don’t like being fake nice to certain people just because, it doesn’t feel good when I have to go there. I’m at a half way point in my healing and have only one person right now in my environment where I’m going silent treatment. Not for long as I’m moving on because I had already planned on doing that. I understand that a dysfunctional family is like a train wreck and the dysfunction doesn’t stop until you recognize and change the behavior. I don’t want to always be wary of people but pay attention more to who I allow to be close to me in my life. Like you said and it happens most of the time I express myself and make posts oh boy here comes the hate mail yahoo.
I have a coworker who's crazy. So nice and flirty one minute and after 2 hours become extremely angry at me without any reason. Has extreme anger issues, made me very anxious. Perverse too. Blaming me, and good at pretending to be "good" at the job. But he's not because he doesn't know his work at all.
I have dealth with a Narcissitic bully boss for 10 years. I realized a long time ago that she was the problem not me. The constant chaos and confusion was created by her not me. I was always the topic of her conversation and projected negativity about me projected on to others. creating a toxic environment. The worst thing anyone can do is internatilized the negative labeling , name calling, by the bully. These narcissistic individuals has issues that they are not dealing with. I realized that I was smarter and very much competent and this triggered her insecurities and incompetencies that manifested in bullying. ,
The first 20 seconds opened me right up
Your coworkers are not your friends!
I needed this so much . Thank you
This is happening to me, for 3 years now , it sucks because I love my job so much , but every day this coworker is there she is in competing with me , she cried when I got employee of the month , she talks about me behind my back, takes credit for my work , and is turning my boss against me slowly , I’ve even told my boss who agrees with me , but they are Friends, so I’m considering leaving my job , I just can’t take it , when she’s off work is heaven , 😢 I will miss my people , 😢
The master is a brilliant movie.
Finally, I'm not the only one who is into that movie!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy hahaha i am sure we are not alone.
Of course there must be more! But I think Paul Thomas Anderson is SO underrated. Except for the Phantom Thread, which I thought was overrated. But Magnolia! Thankfully, one of my sons is turning into a film nut of my own type. He introduces me to great movies now, and we watch together. Recently, we watched "Stalker" by Tarkovsky (almost 3 hrs long) and discussed it for two hours afterward, and the family was baffled.
Some good points but this video did not tell us how to block the paralysing effects of the behavior.
Great video. I know somebody exactly like this
My co worker tells me we have the same work ethics. Even though myself or anyone else can do 5 items to his one.
And he claims to have up to 5 job interviews between Monday and Wednesday, but by Thursday none of them EVER pan out. Now he tells me, I should leave,because it would be so easy for me to leave, because I don't have a wife or girlfriend to deal with...
He is lucky he does NOT get punched in the mouth.
Then my manager wonders why I go silent for 5 hours.... and then tells me I have a bad attitude
Good advice, support networks are huge, yes 🙌
Sounds like my situationship at work..
I was reading that ppl with bpd can also be workplace bullies, there's research on it actually. I worked with someone with bpd and she was a severe bully.
Am I the narcissist or is the narcissist the person who treats me bad at the workplace? He set boundaries but he never communicates them verbally, he just expects me to notice them. We used to be friends and now he treats me like a disease.
"but luckily she's in another country. . ." 😂
I am bingeing on your channel, should I regulate that? 😀
lol- Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes exactly, I know right,
Im Gemini and can confirm. That part was right
About being too faced?
There are positive and negative aspects to every sign. Also one's personality does not end at the sun sign.
I'm dead 🤣🤣
No one at work is your friend. Yes you may want to feel good and comfortable with people you spend most of the day with but at the end of the day everyone is only there because of compensation. All though you may want to just do your job and go home some see the workplace as a battlefield game and have ALL SORTS of tactics. Some narcissist are blunt and some are covert. Once they see your a stoic person and not about their bullshit, they will start a smear campaign.
Can't say as I blame her for getting out of there!!... No job is worth your sanity!!
I have a new co worker that is a narcissist it took a few weeks to figure it. problem is he's never encountered someone like me and my retaliation is as relenting as his attacks, I think I've been his main target and I'm pretty sure it failed because today was his last day.
I know that narcism begets narcism in some family dynamics. But is it possible for some to be a narcissist without being raised by a narcissist?
New age positive vibes witch fosho
ok, you're watching me... I'm convinced! lol fr though!
Haha, it sounds like you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
How is no contact from your parents after they didn't respect a boundary and are expecting an apology ..... different from the silent treatment?
This letter makes me laugh because the lady I work with hs exactly theses qualities. I wish i could help her
I am not happy about the fact that the psychologist is diagnosing someone based entirely on anecdote of 1 person and then speaks about it with them. Diagnosis should only be given by the pacient's doctor/psychologist and it should never been spoken about with other people in this manner. That aside, I would just like to say to all people in manipulative abusive relationships. Please don't be hard on yourselves. You are in this relationship because you were tricked, manipulated. If you knew what you are signing up for upfront, you would never do it. Manipulation is making you do things you don't want to do. It is the whole purpose of manipulation - to make you do something you don't want to.
What a horrible person.
Omg. This is identical to a story I have. 9 years, though. 🤦
Apparently, from what I've heard over the past 20 years, this should be required viewing for all Kroger employees. Drama queens.
Ha!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yea we just want to be left alone and the hyper attention - unwanted attention - is so frustrating