4 Psychological Patterns That Define A Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 ก.ค. 2024
- The identifiers of narcissism are well known: the need for control, self absorption, entitlement, false superiority, and more. Dr. Les Carter draws upon his decades as a therapist to identify four primary patterns that run parallel with the problem of narcissism. Until they come to terms with those patterns, they will remain stuck inside their dysfunctions.
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Four Specific Patterns: 1) Deficient Love Experiences -- They severely crave your validation/affirmation. It is not a healthy, mutual interaction. And narcissists don't know how to deal with rejection. 2) Trained Incompetence -- They don't take responsibility for themselves, they don't know how to deal with anger. They are emotionally bankrupt. 3) Imperative Thinking -- "have to" and "must" as opposed to free choices. They are threatened by others' freedoms. 4) Evaluative Thinking -- anything and everything you do will be evaluated: life is a competition. They learn to live with shame. They begin to hide their true selves and they learn the coverup.
Good notes, Shahadah!
Thank you for taking notes and sharing them. I find it helpful to read the points since my mind does wander a bit when listening to the videos. Each point is an affirmation of what I live with in my husband. I started learning about narcissism two decades ago, but I still really appreciate each and every source of affirmation.
Yes, excellent notes as a post viewing summary - thanks!
@@susansheldon2707 You are so welcome. I love to type and write and find that taking notes also helps me concentrate.
@@SurvivingNarcissism agreed
They do not like to be alone and always need a supply.
On a constant cycle of elation and depletion, dragging you into that cycle!
Hey Amanda. 🙂
They seem to have a certain emptiness that is not filled with the simple things in life. Like just enjoying simple activities. Mine always had to be drinking before all else. The central part of his life alright.
Drink drink drink then pound back coffee in the morning to wake up then watch out for the aftermath of that cycle😖 over a 10 year relationship. They are drowning and they drown you using you as a life preserver! So much damage they can't even see.
Healing now💃 but what a sh*t show.
Take good care.
@@marieldavison5121 My ex hubby's life was always filled with 'so much stuff to do' and seemed to get nowhere quick!
When it was me that wanted some sort of structure to the day then, of course, I would be 'obsessed' with whatever I thought maybe a good idea to do. It was a 'my way' or sulk approach. Take and more take. Ours was a ten year relationship including marriage and two kids. Well out of it a long time ago. Glad you are too! Stay strong 💪 🙂🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 I can relate Amanda ~ they are boldly going nowhere for sure! 🙂
@@marieldavison5121 Well in the end, it got him nowhere! Take care 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 Yes! Love it! Take care.🙂
yes, my cov narc ex said it was all my fault. No contact for 2 years, divorced for a year and yesterday he tried to trigger me through our adult daughter. Glad I now have tools to see this for what it was. Thank you Dr for your teachings. So valuable.
You're very welcome!
Try to get something else you enjoy doing.
Wishing you well!
The HATE us being happy
"They can give you the look, they can imply it." This is something that causes me a real problem. My spouse is a master of thinking very loudly. Nobody else can see it or hear it, so my responses look irrational. It has been incredibly validating to have friends who know me well but only rarely spent time with us tell me that they have seen this.
The father of lies
The deceiver
Accuser of the brethren
The slanderer
Bears falls witness
Reprobate mind
Seared conscience
Appears as an angel of light
Prowls around like a lion seeking whom he may devour
Comes only to steal kill and destroy
That sounds about right.
This is the truth. This is what we’re dealing with, and God hates these six things ..the seventh is an abomination. He’s that sows discord among the brethren.
Exactly! If God said it, I believe it!!!!
the greatest that the Almighty hates is a *proud look* , a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil and one who sows discord among brethren
proverbs 6:16-19
misspelled: 'bears *false* witnesses"
@@user-yw2yr4km2h: pardon 'user' your reply of *"huh?"* speaks volumes, are you not familiar with holy scripture (you often sound well-read 🤔 )
But then there's the presence of sadism, evil-intentions and actions to harm someone else (mentally, emotionally, sometimes even physically), no 'moral compass' or ethics to speak of, no conscience or remorse, etc. 'Right and wrong' to some of these people simply means 'it's right if it serves ME, and wrong if it doesn't'. No concept of external relation to other fellow human beings outside themselves. The definition of 'anti-social'.---meaning not social or against social. No matter how they can fake it either.
Spot on very sad behaviors! These are their traits! Dr C just went over their core that served to create the 50 or so traits and cycle they all carry out on others! Worst absurd evil abuse ever! Mine tried to kill me for insurance money before discarding me after that failed!
Exactly
“The definition of “anti-social” is spot on!!! Most of them ARE sociopaths.😢
Everything you said described my ex malignant covert narc to a T. Truly evil, sinister creatures.
It's such a dichotomy. My narcissist thought she knew everything. She knew what was best for me she knew what was best for the neighbors. She was very animated about it. And yet she constantly, endlessly sought validation from me. She was a bottomless pit of need and admiration seeking. She would ask me high school questions like, “Why do you love me?” It was like I was dealing with a child. She would constantly say things like, “doesn't this look great”, “look how wonderful this is” etc. And yet all the while she would be berating, belittling and undermining of my talents. It was really toxic and it was really sick and I got really tired really fast.
I agree with your statement 100% and I was just commenting on it myself. My experience was exactly like yours.
I’m dealing with a narcissist mother. I’m no contact with her anymore. When I left her toxic atmosphere, it was life changing. I’m happy to have peace now.
Congratulations! Thats such a big step in the right direction
I am no contact with a toxic family member and it has been years. I have no more drama and zero regrets.
Not having contact with an organic parent - is not a solution. Its important not to be dependent , but someone should check on them as they age or help without getting sucked into the drama triangle with them. So i think there must be solutions or strategies. The narc has to learn too. We are bankrupt as a society to get narcs on board. I cant stand my narc parent but no one can. Old people cant take care of themselves.
The narcissist is deceived so that his very lies have become his truth. Truth is not in him. His truths are his lies. He lives a lie. His understanding has become darkened. He is blind to truth. He does not see. His reality is false. He sleeps with eyes open. He is dead among the living. His understanding is dulled. Where he walks he does not know. His perception is clothed in falsehood. Falsehood is his onlyy friend. He is not true to anything that refreshes, prospers and purifies the soul. Though, he is true to nothing of light. His foundation is none. He pursues peace with chaos leading the way. He grasps at nothing, clutches tight and holds on desperately, while prodding fear directs his actions. He spirals as he falls deeper into the dark. Their is non so blind as those who refuse to see. His heart deceives him. His very life is like the wind that blows through, landing nowhere yet hitting everything in its path. Truth is the enemy that terrifies his reality. Fear is his cage with key 🔐 in hand. Answers are his poison to life, fueling these delusions of excuse. Blame is his tool that kindles the flame. Yet he believes he is right and all is well. Lulled deeper still, he follows on. He looks in the mirror and does not recognize that man that sleeps. He comfortably rests as this giant wakes. 💐
Wow. Each sentence there could be the theme for a vid. Much to learn, understand and think about, even tho traits like that are just about incomprehensible
So true , how awful it must be !!! 😳🎯
How beautiful and profound you have said it. Thank you
Wow, that is a very accurate description of a full-blown narc. Truth is like poison to them. Sort of turned into the complete opposite of a good, sane human being....with all traits accompanying that.
No one is so blind as the man who refuses to see.
Target, collect data, gaslight, and then wallow in Target's pain. I was hoping that Dr. Carter would actually say there was hope for them. I can't believe narcissists need more therapy than I do as an over 50 years of being a scapegoat and doormat. Thank you dr. Carter your channel has proved invaluable to my life as I move on from all of that.
Same. Take care 🙏
I wonder sometimes that if she had gotten therapy would us, siblings, have been so traumatized….
Amen and dittos!!
@@melissahoffman9433 We all wish our "what if's" had happened, but realistically they never were going to.
My narc MIL and her (covert narc) husband went for marriage counseling when my husband was in his teens. When they got back home after a single session, his mother stated, "I'm not going back! It only made me feel worse about myself than I already do." WOW! It wasn't about the marriage, or family life. It remained all about her. And she wasn't about to face up to herself for the benefit of her marriage, husband, or children. So the traumatizing continued. That's what we have to remind ourselves - there never were any possible "what if's." Sad, sad and just sad.
@@susansheldon2707 it is sad. We are the lucky ones, not to be them. For having the strength and courage to not only identify and acknowledge the toxicity but to learn and grow and make it better for those around us. She is growing old now and running out of supply and still doesn’t see it. I’ve learned she isn’t my responsibility anymore.
I got divorced from my narcissist wife when our 3 boys were in their early teens. She bought a house about a mile away from mine. When the boys would be over at her place (co-parenting), she would spend much time “laying down the law”... rules, rules, and more rules. She once got into a huge fight with one of my kids because he set a dirty fork in the sink (rather than placing it in the dishwasher). It didn’t take long for my kids to understand why I divorced their mother. She was an over-the-top control freak, even about insignificant things. I am happy to say that my boys (now young adults) are strongly bonded to me (their empath father) and generally avoid spending time with their mother.
Yes, Michael my narc ex friend was a clean freak, regularly burning through vacuum cleaners! However, if you opened a cupboard in her 'pristine' kitchen, chances are a pile of junk would land on your head! Kind of a metaphor for their narcissism, all looks good on the outside at least.
My mom to a t
Thank you for sharing your story Michael. My experience has been similar. My daughter was 5 when her mum and I parted, she is now 20 and avoids talking to her mum. I experienced some very odd "control" stuff... Came home from work one day and all the bedroom furniture had been changed, no consultation and not even mentioned when I got in, or after. Not done as a "nice surprise"... , and I still can't figure it out 24 years later. And of course, all bought on my credit card. Nowadays, I just try to support both my children as best I can emotionally, and otherwise, and have learned to not look back in anger. Cheers Michael, all the best 🙏👍☀️
This was EXACTLY my MIL& FIL!! Severe OCD & need to control every MOVE of others- to such a ridiculous degree- between him and my narcissist MIL, strange daily RITUALS & RULES were at a confusing maximum!
The ‘RULES’ were strictly enforced w/ narcissistic sadistic
punishment!!
They were SEVERELY ANGRY when anyone didn’t conform to their bizarre CRAZY rituals!! All of this happened while I was TAKING EXCELLENT CARE OF THEM IN THEIR HOME for FOUR YEARS!! Unbelievable ABUSE!!
It's crazy how, it's the ppl who HAVE TO DEAL with narcissist who are seeking help, but not the narcissists themself ❕ I offered for me & my mom to go to group counseling, and got a whole spill about how much " it's a waste of time". But I still went to individual therapy for the past couple years; I'm determined to break this cycle off the bloodline.
Same... my mother even said that my counseling was fruitless and that I did not listen to the counselor. That is just 🦇 💩 crazy considering she was not privy to any of my confidential info. My counselor is proud of my progress yet she says that just to get out of going to counseling together.
@@dsaylor36 LoL 😂. It was either therapy (for me...) or prison; I chose Therapy. And it really has helped to keep me sane.
@@blackhannahofficial I'm glad you chose therapy... It's a tough choice sometimes because they sure do everything to push you to the extremes and keep going.
They are afraid the therapist or psychologist might see thru their disguises & all the truths of the past will come to front shining them in their true light. Begged & begged my mother to go to counseling together but its a futile effort. Narcissists don't need or want to be fixed bc then it means they made a mistake or are at fault so they still continue doing everything they can to cintrol, contort, & manipulate to remind themselves they don't & cant do wrong. The only person I've ever had to lean on & learn on in life was my narcissistic mother which definitely did a number however once i was able to truly let go & truly love myself to where I'm only acting out of love opposed to fear I've been able to not let her tactics & narcissism consume my life any longer. I will always love my mother despite her inept ability to self reflect, take accountability, or even apologize for her horrible transgressions but it doesn't mean I have to give up my pursuit of self betterment or give into her narcissism.... I won't do it anymore & it drives her even more mad & angry but thankfully my life & decisions are no longer considering whether I need hee approval or praise that I never recieved when engulfed in her narcisstic ways. Nothing to gain from a Narcissist even if it is your only parent or only piece of "support system" in the world bc your better off not having any support than recieving sabotaged support. Love yourself, build yourself, self reflect, always strive to do & be better... All the things narcs cant fathom...
Yep, my mother won't take up offers to do therapy together. She's supposed to be evaluated with a psychiatrist because she may have dementia, but canceled her appointment and won't make a new one. She did have a therapist for a couple months, but as it was virtual, I overheard a lot of it. All she did was complain about me and my father, saying what horrible people we are, making herself to be a victim and everyone else a villain. One day I heard her lie about my son and I got so angry that I loudly stated that was a lie and if you're going to be dishonest, then keep our names out of your mouth because we're more than willing to do family sessions. IDK what the therapist said to her after hearing that, but she didn't have an appointment afterwards. Surely, if the therapist said wow your daughter IS the abusive one, she would've had additional ones!
The narc I deal with is extremely lazy. She would get somebody to breathe for her if she could.
No better analogy than saying they are emotionally bankrupt! They don't seem to have any positive reserves to draw on when dealing with people, so they just serve up their lack and want instead of grace and kindness. So inhumane! Thanks Dr. C!
A dichotomy!
For me the funniest thing to observe is the repetition of how great they are. Every time they talk to you they have to tell you "everyone thinks I'm a good person. I'm just a really good person. I'm such a good person". I don't have a psychology degree but if you are projecting that much and your actions aren't matching how "good" of a person you are then most likely you aren't a good person. Sometimes it's over 20+ times in a day they mention their "goodness"(not a hyperbole 😂).
That was the very first very odd sign I noticed with my x husband. Always telling everyone how wonderful and special he was. " They don't make them like me anymore" is his motto 😁
Sadly, they make too many...
@@sandrathomas2893 Hahahahaha why are they all like this😂? Is there a Narc academy? They spend so much time boasting about themselves. I always wonder if they ever realize that the more they say those things the more obvious it is they're compensating for not having those qualities. And I agree there's too many of them.
People would tell me how lucky I was to be married to my husband. They had no idea what the kids and I dealt with at home.
Yes. How many times do I have to hear this from the same two people? Good people don't need to say they are good, they just are! It's to hypnotize you! It is a very bad sign if someone needs to say this on a constant basis....smh
Yes, my ex would always say how great, smart, funny he was in the form of humor. Would also say how self deprecating he was, which is a classic sign of a covert narc.
It’s such a shame and so sad that the little boy or girl, who never felt loved or received hugs, was left to create their own coping skills and now has developed into a NPD. It does not condone their behavior but does help you understand it.
I had a horrible relationship with a narc and now I know why. I never told him that he was great. He told me that he was great and I told him that he was a mess. I had the hardest time getting rid of that guy.
It’s only a temporary change.. Zebras don’t change their stripes..
Only four? I like how you’re planning to narrow it down, DrC. Looking fwd to it. Until then, let’s see how close i might get…
-paranoia
-illogical thinking
-defensiveness
-blame shifting
-lack of empathy
-twisting the truth
-manipulation
-projection
-ridiculously high standards for others and no standards for self
-refusal to reside within social norms
-finding vulgar matters funny
-having hidden agendas
-racism
-extreme vulnerability
I just imagine readers might be able to add even more. Red flags all over the place. For those who think back and now think, “I was such a fool!” -maybe you (like i) saw the red flags and knew they were something but just didn’t know what and just wanted to see the best in everyone, you’re not a fool now. Live into that truth and keep becoming!
Hi Kelly...what you describe here is the net result of those 4 patterns!!
Refusal to take accountability
Living an alternative reality
Believing an alternative reality
Raining on other's parades
Hidden self loathing
Horrific and sad. Far better to be on your own than be subjected to any of the horrors in all these comments
@@sturobertson6791 right on target, Stu!
You're right , there are so many to add to a fine list you have there . Unfortunately we all can add to it , how sad is that !!??? 😓
You are so right !!
I have a family member who has an extreme form of it. Instantly snaps. Tries to tell a business owner how to run a business then rages to almost a fistfight when the business owner doesnt comply.
So, narcissists are unloving, stupid, bossy and judgey! Sounds about right!
Always amazing deconstruction of this personality! Once I understood the "hollow shell", the rest was irrelevant. When a parent can look me in the eye and blatantly lie, and a few min later express the exact opposite to another person while I am standing there... no bueno... I am out!
Thank you for helping me and so many others learn from your knowledge and to have the insight of what we are dealing with being with others with this deceptive and destructive personality disorder.
He's just described how,our ENTIRE society is structured.
From cradle to grave we are trained to compete with one another, are told "what we had better" and judged for every. single. thing. we say, do and don't do.
One of the best things I ever did was to go no contact with a narcissist, a female controlling coworker "friend" (only on her terms of course).
Yes!
Stay away from these demons..Thank you 💜
I see all of these characteristics in my narc husband. But trained incompetence - in my experience, this is not just emotional unintelligence and dysregulation. Why am I always the one who has to call in to order pizza? Why am I always the one who has to handle even the smallest of customer service issues, such as, he received the wrong item from an online order? And if I encourage him to handle these things himself, he insists that I sit next to him, because he can't figure out the website or say the right thing on the phone. 40 years! It never got better!
Life is a choose your own adventure. Everyone is free to choose their way through it. I remind myself daily of this.
For the most dominating species on this planet we sure like to have the ability to think we are able to define ourselves, but we should also be able to look at our own destructive patterns this is what will make the difference and will define what we are.
Agreed! We like to 'think we have the ability but often we lack the open mindedness to see a bigger picture.
Listening to the first, neglected love made me realise that this pulls me in to try to help them. Unfortunately, we both just drown. I swam back to the shore and watch as they continue to flounder. So hard to watch and not try to help 😔
It’s quite ironic that a narc wants admiration and respect but gives none to the people they require it from. How does that even make sense to them? I find it extremely difficult to wrap my head around why someone would put someone else through this.
I was married to a narcissist for over 30 years, but I did not know he was the problem, not me. I never knew why he would sulk and not talk to me for weeks at a time. Why the kids and I always had to do what he wanted but never what we wanted. I could never figure out how to make him happy or our family happy. Once a therapist showed me the characteristics of a narcissist, I knew that was what my husband was. After 30 years of marriage he divorced me and married his 18 year younger mistress.
42 years here. If ONLY he would give me the silent treatment but verbal abuse is his art.
I just want to say thank you abundantly dr. Carter, even though you're retired psychologist you're still taking precious time of for psychological patterns to define NPD. I wrote in my journal as you talked in this video. Thank you again and may God bless you 🙏
You are very welcome, Char. Dr. C
Thank you both, this is cathartic!
This is so much how my parents related to me and maybe even themselves my whole childhood-and then how I related to myself.
As a 30 year old i finally started to see the dysfunction and the craziness of this and started wanting more for myself and my family and my relationship with my parents. When I tried to bring this up and talk about what I saw, I was pretty much told to “fall back in line or face the inevitable consequences of not doing so” and therefore not having a relationship with my parents. My parents take the standpoint that our distance is my fault, but they don’t want a relationship with me that isn’t on their terms or in the manner they prefer-which is for me to be the “good daughter who does what they wants and makes them look good without asking for anything in return”. They reach out occasionally and tell me they “miss me” but they don’t make any other effort then that for relationship and I don’t think it will ever heal or become deeper. I am sad for this, but I am learning to grow and move on from this. I am creating a healthier emotional environment for my children.
I can relate. Haven't talked with my disfunctional parents for years. I'm now married with two kids, to a fantastic woman. It would not have happened if I continued to allow people to treat me worse than a second class citizens. Good luck and I hope you find your balls and your boundaries. It's not easy after 30 years of abuse.
Haha and I just noticed you are a woman. Ok ok, don't find your balls...
Well done! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
You're very strong and I wish you every happiness doing things differently in your own family. I found I was re parenting myself as I was teaching my child the things I wasn't taught ... Very healing and empowering. It can stop with us ❤️
The dysfunctional behavior has to stop with you. You don’t want this to go through to another generation.
One day I hope to know the serenity that Gus exhibits.
Great video as always.
You're more similar to gus than you think
My dad texted me this morning, telling me that he will be doing a TV interview tonight for one of his achievements. Things like that make me sad because that's when the "deficient in love" layer of them becomes very clear. And I would love to celebrate his achievements and give approval. I did that for most of my life actually.
But...he is a malignant narcissist and all those other traits that they have makes it impossible to be close to them.
In the grand scheme of things, I guess they just chose the wrong path in life and that's their right to do so. But they also have to deal with the consequences of this choice.
With two narcissistic parents and no other close family, I also didn't really receive love as a child. But I learned what I needed to learn at school and from other outside sources. Most societies have a lot of normalized evil but they also have good guidelines for anyone who wants to learn and follow them.
It's sad that some people get stuck but at the end of the day, life goes on and we can't focus too much on them.
I can relate to the emotional dettachment ~ it so happens naturally just to protect ourselves. Take care
@@marieldavison5121 I never thought of it as a protect thing, wow. Thank you and take care as well!
Man, the imperative thinking portion triggers my ptsd. There was always an exact way everything had to be done according to my ex-wife-especially in the kitchen. There was no room for "error" in her eyes. It was like constantly walking on eggshells. To this day a wave of anxiety washes over me whenever someone asks me to help in the kitchen. I just can't do it and prefer to cook alone
SAME. I remember my mother literally grabbing my hands, pinning me against the kitchen sink with full force of her body, setting the water on scalding, and then forcing me to wash dishes *exactly* as she thought they should be done, start to finish, like a living puppet. It was the most concrete and literal example I can remember of how she viewed us as her children: we were as much a part of her to obey her commands with complete, unquestioning compliance as her own two hands would be in responding instinctually and immediately to her brain’s every command. And she was the weaker narcissistic parent to my utterly terrorizing and even more controlling father! Going no contact at 17 was the hardest and best thing I ever did. I still can’t breathe just thinking about them. These people take controlling to a whole different universe that ‘walking on eggshells’ barely suffices to describe. Glad you got away from it too. ❤
@@jwny8919 yeah, sadly they didn't develop personal boundaries so they can't feel when they end and other people begin. I once told my mom that I'm not her arm or leg to which she replied that I AM her leg lol.
I’m dealing with a malignant covert narcissist that is a damn demon. OMG, it is so difficult and it’s infuriating that she can so easily use other coworkers AND supervisor as her flying monkeys.
I’m terribly confused. I know a person who displays all the narcissistic traits. When I indirectly hinted to this observation and they told me they suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. What is the difference? This person refuses to talk about it and told me I’m mentally ill. I’m so confused.
You my friend were GASLIGHTED BY A NARCISSIST.
I was bought up on a mantra of 'do as I say not do what I do', and oughts and shoulds. What stands out is that no one discussed feelings and when expressed they were ignored, unless they were useful for the narcs benefit. My parents were either dismissive or harsh. My mother particularly re-wrote my feelings to such an extent I had no idea who I was - eventually. With them both you either made the grade or you'd failed and paid the consequences. I never got a sense that their parenting style had anything to do with doing what was the best for me; rather it was an excuse to feel powerful, to control and to feel superior. I remember my father telling me that the only reason I was born was to 'do what I was told.' I never forgot that. He never told me that he loved me. By the time I had reached adulthood, I hated both parents but the anger remained with my mother because she was cruel and belittling and my feelings toward my father were simply non-existent as I had no relationship with him at all, even though he lived in the house.
To say that their 'parenting' which was confined to putting a roof over my head, feeding me and providing the most basic education the law insisted upon, had irreporrably damaged my life is an understatement. Neither parent had prepared me for dealing healthily with adult relationships and so none of them were healthy and I fell into toxic patterns and attracted a slew of narcissists and manipulators in friends, all of which I have severed now - leaving me with no friends really. I spend nearly all my time alone and never socialise. I didn't marry due to that reason too: I had enough insight to realise I was likely to marry an abuser, as I had dated on anyway, and that I would probably abuse my own kids, unwittingly through ignorance, as much as my parents had abused me. I didn't want that for them. So it was better not to be born at all. I wanted to break the chain. True to form, my golden child brother is a fully paid up narcissist who took full advantage of my estrangement from my parents and ensured he got left my parents' entire Estate. I got nothing and learned later that it was not the 20 year estrangement from my parents that had resulted in being cut off, as my brother claimed when I finally caught up with him, they had already changed their Will and cut me off just months after I had told them I had graduated from Uni - an event neigher parent displayed the slightest interest in, which resulted in the permenant estrangement in the first place. Both parents were determined to smear me as the reason for the relationship breakdown and to make it look like I was the one at fault. What a surprise!
The worse thing about being a narc victim is that the cycle repeats itself. The victim just ends up self-victimising withself destructive sub-conscious actions. The very sort of behaviours that draw narcs to them like a magnet to a rusty nail.
My parents are both dead. I never knew for years after with my mother and a year for my father. Never shed a tear for either one. No doubt they would have showed the same contempt for me, had I died before they'd learned of it too.
As someone who has also experienced abuse I can tell you that we need to socialize only with “safe” people. Where can we find safe people? Usually where people are giving of themselves; church, volunteering, helping.
The narcissist that is spoiled as a child and has inconsistent parenting is different from what you describe here. Would you talk about this type of narcissist...is there more hope for them. I saw an old old black and white movies, l believe it was called something like "The Wonderful Anderson's", that depicted this very type of spoiled Narcissist.
I believe that is my situation as well. Narc sister would threaten suicide, get in fights and even pull out her eyebrows and eyelashes as a kid for attention and would be doted on like no other from my parents. Whatever she wanted she would get. I had to purchase my own stuff and got a job at the age of ten babysitting neighborhood kids so I could buy stuff I wanted. At 38 she now lives rent free with parents, causes fights, demands attention, etc and still gets it from family. It's crazy.
They all have the black and white thinking; all good or all bad. All the narcs I know came from a punish and reward system; emotional neglect with overindulgence( also abuse)
Because the narcissistic parent does not have the tools to attune to the child's experience so they live in the shame/ rage cycle; they rage( attack/ punish) vs teach/ lead and then feel shame that they raged and then overindulge the child to cover their shame.
Their ego is too fragile to humble themselves and be emotionally honest.
It's sad because addressing our own faults and flaws and missing the mark is the only way our kids will learn to do that.
Yes! Please, Dr. C - talk about the spoiled rotten, can-do-no-wrong child who is now a raging narcissist.
Knowledge is power! The mire we educate ourselves and each other about narcissism the happier we can be! Thank you!💝
It’s 7 months of no contact with my father, he is all these patterns and more. I still am struggling with the fact that he cannot and will not apologise or take any form of accountability for his actions, instead choosing to project and deflect onto me, where he is claiming to be the victim. I hope it gets easier 🙏 Thanks Dr Carter
So awesome when you throw in psychopathy too! 🙄
I'm married to someone JUST like #1 thru #4. I didn't even know about Narcissism, and now I know that he is one. No wonder my life with him has been so UNHAPPY....My turn to be happy now.
I happen to be reading Proverbs Chapter 12 as I'm hearing this. What you are saying is the exact same thing but said in a different way! Wow! I see so many parallels here.
He would go out of his way to make me think he was cheating and then yell at me for being jealous and accuse me of cheating.
I love this list. It is clear to see that lack of attention in childhood plays a huge role in how we function as adults. I developed binge eating rather than narcissism because I didn't have a clue how handle painful, negative emotions. My alcoholic father and narcissistic mother didn't have adequate clues either! So, many dysfunctional patterns arise from childhood neglect. I found this video very helpful as information to reflect upon. I have been told by several eating disorder therapists that learning new strategies for handling painful emotions is key to controlling eating disorders. And though eating disorders are difficult to treat, as is narcissism, I make progress. Thanks for this lecture.
Go Team Healthy 2023!!
Hi Gus!🐶
with God all change is possible.
Amen!!
@@kshaw9179 God's love rescued me from all of it. slowly, little by little 😊
Only if we allow Jehovah into our hearts.
A narcissist cannot change! Their entire childhood wound need to be rewired in their brain through years of therapy only if they are honest and willing to put the walls and fake persona down! Not possible usually. 1 doc (Vacknin) and another male life coach (Kenny) doing narcissist education were in therapy for extreme narcissism, but I still see traits of arrogance in both of them. It’s near impossible to fix these people! Their distorted view of themselves is solid.
@@maryebner so it is possible . I run away from them tho
Matthew 24:12
And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
John 3:19
And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
Galatians 3:19
Wherefore then serveth the law? It was added because of transgressions, till the seed should come to whom the promise was made; and it was ordained by angels in the hand of a mediator.
Titus 3:3
For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.
I will admit John 3:19 confirms the testimony in Galatians 3:19 and Titus 3:3.
Amen
@@denicehaley9902 Isaiah 5:20
Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
Daniel 3:29
Therefore I make a decree, That every people, nation, and language, which speak any thing amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill: because there is no other God that can deliver after this sort.
Amen and amen! 🙏🙏
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Dr. C. I can't get enough of your wisdom on narcissistic behavior. I was totally blind to the kinds of people I was dealing with. I knew something was mentally unstable with my narcissistic husband of 42 yrs. I didn't have a clue what to call his behavior. For years I couldn't understand why he lacked empathy. He doesn't have empathy for no one. I literally stopped talking to him, because he knows everything. I don't care what the topic of discussion was. He has the answer. It was exhausting. Maybe it wasn't right, but I started laughing at him one day when he got so mad at me because I told him he knew to much for me for a person who I have never seen read a book. That day I had had enough of keeping quiet for peace sake. Thanks to Dr. C. I'm growing stronger everyday. I'm taking back my power. I know I deserve better than what he's capable of giving me.
My elderly Mother is more on the covert side. She has operated with me and my siblings as being not emotionally supportive, competitive, a know it all, and also a victim. The victim side has become more prominent as she is elderly now. She continues to blame others and shows no reflection for the lack of her humanity with us grown up children. She is a person to be pitied by me. I am doing better Dr. C emotionally because you have helped me to unravel the mess of myself inside. I am feeler stronger and more free. Less ill inside, but I still have times, and probably always will where the pain of her in my life and in my head and memories come back and I still have days of anxiety. I at least know now, intellectually what all of this means, and for you, I am so grateful to you. I am thankful to God that I am a positive and upbeat and loving person. My own inner faith and intellect has saved me,
Eileen
Idk whether my friend is a full blown narc or not. She used to have empathy years ago. Over the past 3 years that's dwindling down to nearly none. We had a disagreement just before Christmas and she called and yelled at me, triggering my PTSD. In communication since, I poured my heart out apologizing for my part and letting her know exactly why I'm hurt. From her end, there's no apologies, just a justification for her behaviour and a downplaying of events from her side.
Oh boy. For your health, you should distance yourself emotionally from this friend. This is a classic sign of toxicity.
Not a Friend.
It’s the dog looking at the camera like “he’s still talking 🙄” 🥰🥰🥰
lie- cover- lie - cover
🧐
My nex blame our 10 years old daughter for his mom's illness - because she took care of her. These two days sent her messages that she is dying and losing consciousness. (After no contact with her for a year) he crazily reached out to others to deliver this message to me as well because my daughter didn't reply him. I tried not to be triggered but still did, his interest is only to ruin me and her life.
Hi Dr C - could you address the issue of how narcissists are perpetually looking for their 'unicorn' - the person who will heal the mother wound. Seems like their search for the 'perfect partner' is relentless, even when they're IN a relationship.
Would love your take!
It’s the search for the person who gives them massive validation and self-worth! Problem with that is the way they abuse people to get it leads everyone to eventually grow avoidant of them and their blood sucking the life out of you to put you down so low you loose yourself snd eventually diss them, so they have to find a other source who feeds them and to suck dry! A perpetual cycle of wash, rinse, & repeat. They do this their whole life.
When you stop giving them what they seek and they have abused you too much to drive you away, they look for a new supply!
The narcissist in my life has all of these patterns in spades. She is quite intelligent, and I recall asking her once how she went with a particular study assignment. When she replied (in public) that she'd received a very good mark, but not the highest, she added, "Not good enough" and looked very bitter, almost as if she were implying it was someone else's fault. Obviously she felt ashamed, but had no reason to. It was a classic example of "evaluative thinking"!
Imperative thinking, yes!!! I used to ask him why he always said "you always, "you never" etc. Looking back, I don't remember ever getting an answer. My favorite was "Everything I do is for you", his usual response when trying to voice my needs and/or needs to him.
My narc hubby uses these words very frequently: you must, you should. I noticed it!
Keep learning!
Not even gonna try to guess. I’m watching to agree.
Ha Ha Aaron ~ you know Dr C always gets it right! Cheers!
They're even worse than you can imagine. They make movie villains look totally redeemable. They do things that just fly into the memory hole that is so far beyond humanity. If there is an Afterlife, I pray to my God to keep them away from me. Someplace warm and brimstoney.
Good morning Dr Carter 🌞 , I'm so thankful that you share so faithfully with all of us . ❤️👍🎯🌞
You are so welcome, Patty!
This was a deep dive into a narcissist soul. I'm still trying to understand. This is a heavy math. What paralles in my mind with these thoughts are the 7 principles of freedom stated by Dr.C.
Keep learning, Ivan!
The "art of covering up"...mhmm
EXCELLENT way 2 phrase that ❣️💯Ty, dearly APPRECIATED 🕯️💕😇
My mother exactly. And it's really difficult to deal with, as she's blaming me for everything immediately as I try to bring up her behavior in a calm way. I'm not even able to finish the sentence
My mother blames me for a everything too. If I bring up truths and facts she says I'm a liar. Ugh
@@marlo2919 mine too. She's my only parent, I didn't understand the depth and reality this abuse til 6 months ago. It's been ongoing my entire life
Everyday with you is a good day! I have come so far with your guidance. It amazes me how you are not exhausted. Thank you so much for everything. ❤
Well said. Doc C is a model of consistent calmness👍🙏
Maybe you nap like Gus!
Maybe I am seeing "imperative thinking" in my former friend's ideology. He was a rigid ideologue, and I guess the reason we couldn't discuss certain topics with him was because he saw things in black and white, and tried to make reality conform to his ideology. He never saw that humans make their own reality, and that there were many options rather than his mere right or wrong.
That's what the imperative mindset is all about!
I’m guilty of wanting love, validation, mostly companionship on an authentic basis. Aren’t we all somewhat narcissistic at times? I look at it as being toxic abusive people meaning they have ill intent to not just hurt you but they strategically want something from you usually money. These people prey on others vulnerability’s and the stronger your boundaries the worse the get. Until you leave! I justified myself that if they’re bad during dating/engagement how much worse would it be married!
We are all hard wired to seek attachment from others as you point out and that's healthy!
At birth we cry out👶 to our care givers to get our needs met.
There is no shame in that game!
Abuse occurs as you point out anytime a pattern of behavior is used to control or dominate another person to your gain and to their detriment.
As you point out there is a predator that lacks a conscience that goes after "prey".
The abuser can be after "Tangible" items like money, a place to live etc. or they can be seeking non tangibles from their target like prestige and reputation.
In either case the intentions are exploitive.
They present a false persona and therefore a false reality.
Bait and switch.
Unfortunately there is no cap on the pre marriage "bad" behavior it gets worse!
Much worse!
KL you don't sound like a Narc to me ~ I think anyone would be lucky to get some of your refreshing authenticity.
Cheers.🙂
@@marieldavison5121 is it really? Is it really healthy?
Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I am a Empath. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. I am the oldest out of five children my parents had. I am 47, I always been the black sheep in my family. I been a Christian for over ten years . I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. Jesus is our hope. I walk away from Narcissists. It's not worth it to say anything to them since they don't get it . I enjoy doing things for myself now.
Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grand mother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists enablers are just as bad as a Narcissists. Narcissists are liars. Narcissists are broken people. Narcissists always act like they are the victim. Narcissists are pure evil souls from the Devil. Narcissists never loved us. Narcissists don't even care about us a all.
Ephesians 5:8
For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:
Titus 3:3
For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.
Please thumbs up 👍🙏🕊️team healthy 💓 is on the move 🙂👍
Trained incompetence, great observation again doc, thank you!
So helpful. From the other side of the world in South Africa I send thanks.
So pleased!
Welcome 🤗
Hi Mess another great video navy blue they say that color is a color of spiritual maturity love and light love and light from the desert 🌵🤗🙏💌
Thanks Deeboolove! peace.
As always, my deepest gratitude.
I'd like to know how narcissists choose a victim, then hunt and prey on them in their single-minded pursuit of ruining you forever.
Absolutely Sue!!! They target and choose partners with low boundaries and a bit confused on who they are and codependent!!! Ones who fall for the fake love-bombing, and who they know they can gain something they want from. Something that makes their life easier usually! They pursue the supply as of it’s life or death! They definitely know it’s finite once you stop giving them their self-worth and plan all along to discard you in the worst way possible by cheating on you and jumping ship! They can’t ever be alone or let someone dump them and leave! The pre-emtive strike is always on their mind.
I have tried as of late to see the situation with a narc as external to me in many ways and situational and temporary as I move away from the situation and can be myself again.
It's not fair they get us when we are not aware. That's what hurts us we were not in a position to protect ourselves. We are now. Better days ahead. Cheers.🙂
I'd like to know how narcissists always find their way to you to
@@chayo4537 I would like to know and understand how they can stalk and put so much destructive energy behind every person they met. Over time the list must be longer and longer so my question is what are they doing the whole day? Putting so much energy to bring all those who were devalued and discarded into the misery? It just so irrational, it makes no sense.
Thank you Dr. Carter and Gus diving more deeply into the narcissistic patterns.
I’m learning and growing on Team Healthy.
Enjoy your weekend, Team Healthy.
Very pleased, once again, Denice!
I am the busy body, I am the gossip, I am the uncaring and gas lighting husband, I am the wife never satisfied, I am the blame shifter, I am the short tempered guy you cut off, I am a beautiful facade full of misery within. I will never stop pointing my finger at everyone else but me, I’m not the problem. I’m the grudge holder.
My friend had a girl friend now wife whose brother was dying of bone cancer at 21. He literally took care of him during the last few months of his life, by his side 24/7. He related to me how he was sitting there next to his bed one day stewing over some issue he was having with someone. If you had known my friend you would find he wore his emotions on his sleeve quite well and would really let some things eat him up. As he was sitting there with his thoughts all set ablaze he had not realized that the young man was slipping into another episode of intense suffering as his pain was not being subdued by the powerful meds he was on. “It doesn’t matter!” the young man got out through his clenched teeth, interrupting what my friend had been saying. He said after that, it hit him how futile and small his anger had suddenly become when he truly saw how much pain the young man was in.
In reflection, I think my biggest hang up is in not forgiving. I forgive enough to function but thats it. My hope is that it does not take such suffering and tragedy for us to finally forgive others. I speak to a situation in my life atm.
I love Gus, his face is so cute!! Gus brightens our hearts while learning about this dark subject. Your a excellent teacher Doc! Thank you!! 🙏 🌞 🕯️
“Deficient love experiences”
My narc husband’s dad regularly smacked him around, called him any variation of ‘you’re a worthless little punk’ - his mom nearly caused his death in early childhood by sheer neglect, maybe twice! Two ways of expressing they didn’t give a goddam about their son, then spoiled him with lots of toys on birthdays and holidays.
I have wondered sometimes if it’s narcissistic to demand attention when that person clearly is more experienced, knowledgeable, intelligent, or talented in something, yet they see certain others who get attention that clearly look like they have no talent or have not put in the hard work to get noticed in something.
Thank you so much for this information. I appreciate the explanation of where things went so wrong with a narcissist. It helps me to stand firm but to also keep in check my "hurt judgemental" attitude. Thanks!
As a single mom, I was very strict with my children.
Excellent , informative information Dr C! So many of us were raised under these conditions. It helps to not only reflect on my experience but puts the epidemic into much greater perspective.
Huge thanks!!🙏
Gus is our hero. ❤
4 out of 4. Unfortunately, there are cultures where because of where we came from, life was a lot more raw and survival bred a deep sense of comparison and subsequent emotional inadequacy. Feeding the mouths was a lot more important and resulted in neglect of the emotional aspects of life. Resultantly, narcissistic traits become easily imbued. How many here can resonate with that?
The enemy lines are drawn between the kids that for whatever reason have value to the parent and the ones that don't. Being raised frugally (Salvation Army clothes, barely enough to feed a large family etc) hurts when kids at school can be so mean. I hate the whole "Santa brings the good kids gifts" crap cause the poor kids feel punished and like they don't really matter.
Cheers to you.
@@floxendoodle942 The first and second world wars along with the Great depression scarred an entire generation of people. My father was exposed to that deprivation and I know it had a serious negative impact. So sad.
I am currently trying to turn my life around after realizing being isolated with narc parenting I’ve had has created these qualities in me. I’m in a very uncomfortable state of recognizing the life-limiting issues this has caused for me, and that the coping mechanisms were not working.
Hearing your videos has been a blend of helpful and sort of a death sentence at the same time. I feel I may forever be ‘othered’ as a bad person due to circumstances in my family which started before I was born. I want to be a ‘real person’, not some sad replicant.
All along I have meant well, but became a people pleaser and codependent. To fix this or at least stop the damage, I quit having love partnerships years ago until I could heal, I’ve stopped drinking the pain away, stopped contact with my narcissistic mother.
I am hoping for hope. Healing potential sounds iffy from the perspective of the info given here, yet after a few years of intensive study on the subject (as well as self reflection) I am now aware and attempting to make amends with people in my life with whom things have gone south.
Excellent clinical breakdown to help us understand. I had very little interactions with this individual and did not consider them close, now over 2 years later they are still trying to insert themselves as part of my life. I have my own circle of friends and events that have nothing to do with them. My life has gone on without them and better by the day! Greatful for all you and Gus do!
So glad to see others on the team are lining up the behaviors with the same conclusions in scripture as i have. Hard reality non the less the truth.
Hi Gus! 🐕
GUS !! 🥰
Woof!
Gus is just chillin and livin his best life ❤😊❤
Yes, they operate in an alternate reality where truth and accountability are things that should be avoided at all costs. My narc had these catchall excuses she would use to justify and avoid ANYTHING. She'd either say she was tired or sick, or that she needed to get her hair done. "I can't do this or that, I need to go get my hair done. "You should take care of such and such...I couldn't cuz I was sick. "Im too tired to do that." But literally this was a daily thing for her. Sick, hair, tired. Tired, sick, hair. My favorite was when she had the audacity to say she was too tired to handle a basic task i needed her to do, yet she hadn't gone to work for over a week and slept in all day and went shopping for herslef while I took care of our young twin boys all day and night by myself.
It’s hate, they hate themselves and everyone else because of that , so full of it that it chokes all potential for good
So I was thinking about what you said Dr.C, What if someone created a safe space for them to share their feelings and emotions so they can learn to fill their needs from within rather from the outside?
For a child I’m applying this to my adopted children, who have traits of narcissism, but they go back and forth, and one is worse then the other. But suffered abuse at a very young age unfortunately before I could rescue them. Another adult who’s suffered narcissistic personality disorder for over 30 years, I’m trying this too, but I receive more passive aggressive responses rather then understanding for what I’m doing. Lots of love.
Shalom
Create a safe space for yourself. Why are you trying to have a safe space for a narcissist?
No they don't change, not for the better but as they age, they get much more obnoxious; I've been separated from my narcissitic husband for nine years, but I see him for short intervals and he's more of a nightmare than he used to, if that's possible.
While all the points that Dr. Carter brings up are fundamentally correct, everyone MUST put things into context and not quickly label and attempt to make examples of individuals who you BELEIVE to be a definitive Narcissist based on some circumstantial tendencies, which can be extremely distressing at the receiving end of things considering the pop-culture stigma that has been developed around it, if not OFFENSIVE to people who have been brought up, traumatized and are trapped in families with Narcissistic abuse as the foundation. Society patterns aside from the unpredictable nature of dynamic human behavior require us to go through imperative and evaluative thinking - flexibility and balance in all things. The notion of "freedom" has its own diminishing returns where you start to fall into the realms of Nihilism. One MUST remember that we are human and one MUST start developing a mature understanding of the human psyche. Extreme thinking and the quest for "perfection" MUST be avoided. There is nothing worse than an uneducated-misinformed-bigot, and this whole unqualified diagnosing of people with personality problems is making a mess out of things. My love to you all.
Hey LK ~ I'm not so hung up on labels but can accept that any pattern of behavior that attempts to dominate and control another person to their detriment is in my opinion abusive.
Therefore grandiose individuals who provide misleading information,
who live in a fantasy and apply pressure on others for unattainable perfection,
who are judgmental and highly critical,
who also demand excessive admiration and attention from others,
while feeling a sense of entitlement as they expect 100% compliance from others,
who exploit and take advantage of others to achieve their objectives,
who in addition lack empathy, ignore the needs of others,
who are highly envious, resentful, arrogant, and antagonistic and fiercely argumentative
Would simmer an awful stew of behaviors that in my opinion would be detrimental if not trauma forming to anyone that has to live under these conditions. With or without actual violence in the mix.
So personally not diagnosing anyone but I would be willing to highly speculate that a combination of these traits would technically form a narcissistic personality as 5 out of 9 would be NPD according to the DSM5.
Love the dialogue on Team Healthy and get your point about not looking for perfection but trying to do some self reflection and recalibration of oneself first and foremost.
Sometimes it is possible to take the good with the bad where others are concerned as long as we are feeling at peace in the situation.
Take care LK, regards.
@@marieldavison5121 Yes Mariel, I agree with you. My comment was in regards to the labeling strictly, via using what apparently a narcissist or really any other person would to guide their everyday lives, through the imperative and evaluative thinking, and its recognition through the eyes of the receiver should not be used to develop a superficial diagnosis, which as I said can be offensive and distressing to people who are not in fact narcissists and have to deal with narcissistic abuse on a daily basis. Abuse, dominance, arrogance, etc. are outside the context of the point I'm trying to make.
Best wishes Mariel.
@@lionking3960 Morning Lk . Point well expressed and understood. Cheers to you🙂
If it don't apply let it fly
Gus stands for good uniform serenity.
gus and dr carter are so cute together picture perfect as always thank you for enlighting my life
Thank you Dr Carter that was very clear and helpful
You are very welcome
Imperative thinking 🤔 - yes, that is an interesting one. I know a narcissist and whenever I speak about an insightful book that I have just read in an open, inviting way, she just closes it down immediately with a matter-of-fact imperative! This doesn't particularly bother me but always feels so 'off'. So you've definitely nailed that one for me 😉
Pleased that it resonated!