yes, I am experiencing this now; the access to my own self and feelings was stronger earlier and now that is weakened making me so much more confused and dull. Dull is the perfect adjective. I've been struggling to try to convey how I feel and this describes it so well. thank you for sharing.
@@Kathleensophiacitrine888 my issue since moving out has been the pressure to go to counseling AGAIN and him steadily moving into MY house that I got specifically to get away from him. Thus it is when you have kids together and let yourself be pressured by church counselors who don’t have a degree in psychology or any related field but fancy themselves experts on marriage.
@@leahsmith2078 The same thing happened to me. My pastor never urged us to stay together though. He kept moving into my house. I left many times, but he just kept coming back. I had to move again and cut off his entire family. Best thing I did.
“If you have to ask if you were being abused then, it was abuse”. It felt like a never ending cycle. One minute he’d be fine and the next it felt like I was his verbal punching bag. I almost felt like he had a split personality. All his friends thought he was a standup guy but, behind closed doors he was the devil. The emotional exhaustion, the feeling of never being good enough and the shame. After he was done, I couldn’t even look in the mirror and see myself. I looked vacant, the life was literally sucked out of me. One month no contact
As soon as she started talking about cognitive dissonance, I just felt the tears run down my cheeks. To think that I had allowed someone to treat me in such a way, it's unbelievable. My biggest blessing was him breaking the engagement off, I thank God.
I’m in post cognitive D. The fog is lifted. I remember the confusion. I’m still amazed people do this. What a hard lesson for good natured trusting people. Teach survival skills in elementary school to promote building a happy life. : ) thank you.
Absolutely yes,navigating toxic behaviour must be taught in schools to help future generations not have to go through the abuse so many people up to now have had to because they didn't know this was a thing!
I think this is one of the most important reasons why it takes time to realize and understand what’s really going on in a relationship with narcissistic people.
The last minute of this video where u stated that we are blocking the good in our life by holding on to the negative , was the icing on the cake for me and confirmed what I’ve been doing wrong thank you
16 here. Working on my exit plan. He's definitely not worth me. I already feel so sorry for his next girlfriend or wife. After marrying him, one of his long time 'friends' told me I am #4 in his sick pattern. Uuugh. Wish all of us well here. Thank you so much for these videos!!!
Yes....they are master manipulators....my husband narc would tell me I was too emotional when he would emotionally abuse me he would later say to others that he had to “toughen me up” because I was always crying because of the way he was treating me that I started believing that something was really wrong with me...WOW this was so enlightening...thank you so much Steph...many blessings.
I totally feel you. How about 'I want you to be a better person so that's why I criticize you-we're on the same team...WHAT A JOKE. All this abuse disguised in the efforts to 'make u better' #cutnarcsoff!
you are not the only one Devon Marie, my narcissist is also an alcoholic and I am leaving him in a week. friends coming to help me move while he is gone. I cant take it anymore.
Conflicted ...good guy / bad guy Its ALL about them The world revolves around them You don't matter Your thoughts don't matter Your love is not felt or reciprocated Your love is exploited Your needs don't matter Your wants don't matter You are nothing to them You're a side dish They are the main course They are not who you thought they were in the beginning That person is gone forever never to return That person is not real They are an illusion, a fantasy, make believe, non existent Accept the reality You were duped Forgive yourself Let go Move on You Matter Your Feelings are Real You deserve to be happy You deserve a trustworthy partner Trust yourself Your body knows the truth Your body keeps the score Your body never lies Stop settling for crumbs Set yourself free of the insanity Get off the crazy go round
This is so true! The mask comes off real fast when you start to question & say no I don’t like this situation. I was gaslighted too. I had no idea what she was or what she was doing until I left & saw a psychologist. 😣
I absolutely love how you explain things. I’m in the planning phase of leaving a narcissistic marriage (in counseling, stashing cash, looking for a safe place to go) and am terrified to leave. But my 2 1/2 year old son deserves a healthy and happy childhood. I need to free is not only for me but mainly for him. My mom is narcissistic and being 41 and just now learning so much about myself I’m beginning to understand how I ended up here. And never want to again. You really said something that stuck out to me… relationships don’t need to be for life. Friendships and relationships change and it’s ok. And change can be good. I’m sooo terrified of the verbal bashing that will happen… but you really speak in a way that helps me learn tips to keep pushing thru. Thank you!
Stop finding out!!! If people want to continue to tell you things about him shut them down. Tell them it's in the past and you're moving forward then walk away!!!!!
Coming from my own experience and years of my own self searching and endless research on Narcissism, the first step in healing oneself from any past, present as well as any future pain and trauma we experience and carry along the baggage within us, what you never hear or read in all these narcissist articals or video is the real and only truth, and sometimes the truth is not so pretty, in almost any and all information on Narcissism, they are lableled the abuser and the other as the victim, true or not true ? Here is where the problem lies ! If your answer was true, its only true from your own perspective, which is only half the equation and half the truth, true healing only comes when one can change their perspective and perception of oneself, and realize that in reality, there are no victims, for there to be victim, there must also be a victimizer, which opens up a whole other can of worms, which society has programmed us into believing in, i fell into the trap along with everyone else, I blamed my wife of 20yrs on everything wrong in our marriage, i was the victim from her narcissism, for everything, and truly felt like I was and the pain was real, in my next relationship of 5yrs with another woman also a narcissist, I also felt like a victim, and I didnt start to wake up until midway into this relationship, I had no idea or knowledge about narcissism until well after a 20 year marriage to one woman, still pointing the finger and putting the blame from my pain on her, it wasn't until I looked up the definition of narcissism that I started to change my perception of myself and my perspective view I had of my ex-wife back then, and at the time, with my then present girlfriend that I begun to wake up and that's when the healing begun, Rule#1 This is Straight out of wiki: Codependents and narcissist are drawn together like magnets. The 1st step was realizing I also had a problem, aka a personality disorder, 2nd you can't have one without the other, like hot cold, up down, they go hand in hand, to put all the blame or faults on one and not the other and place oneself in the victims category, is from our own narrow perspective and perception of ourself, let me give you a small glimpse of the awakening i was hit with one day, when my perspective point of view had a slight change in direction, for over 20yrs I felt I was this victim, my wife did this, she did that, she was the blame for this, yada, yada..... But I stayed in this relationship for 20yrs, the reality hit me like a brick wall, all the problems I experienced didn't just start after 20yrs, or 10yrs or even 5yrs, they started from the beggining, I woke up big time with the biggest ducking hangover because I blamed someone else for what I felt like was a waste of 20 yrs of my life and I felt cheated and angree, but the bigger picture was profound, i had no one to blame but myself, I begun to own all of it, I KNEW right then, that in all fairness at the most, all I could put on my wife's part could be 50/50 ! But I knew that wasn't even true in all honesty to myself and my ex wife, all those years and things I went thru, i had a choice, we all have a choice, if my wife made a decision with something I didn't like or something i was uncomfortable with or i didn't agree with at the start of our relationship, starting with the 1st week, the 1st month,1st yr. 2nd yr. 5th yr. Any time after, I made the choice to stay, nobody forced me, i made that decision, I could have left at anytime, I alone made the decision to stay in a relationships for 20yrs but now I can see that staying in a relationship that was unhealthy and uncomfortable for both sides, I don't blame her for anything anymore i don't even blame myself anymore, I forgive myself, that's when the pain took a hike quick, when I reflect back i don't feel that loss, or the lump in my stomach, or in my heart, no more anger and it feels so good ! when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change ! I'm all ears and here for anyone that needs someone to talk to, i have so many more helpful tips on how I overcame the codependent/Narcissist blame game ! ✌
Primordialsimilarity I know I’m a codependent and stayed 18 yrs. we were on and off 6 times and married twice! I blame myself for staying and him for abusing me. Right now we just got separated he’s been out of the house in his own apt 4 days. I’ve hit rock bottom there’s no going back to this nightmare. But I’m having bad cognitive dissonance
@@lydiam9323 It helped me to keep telling myself exactly what Stephanie said...and I actually did say this to my narc...actions speak louder than words...if those don't match up there is definitely a problem. Also, I found it very difficult to let go of the fantasy and accept him for who he really is...that was a light bulb moment, and extremely freeing/liberating...accepting him for who he really is...and that truly doesn't match what I want and deserve in my life! If you haven't already you might want to watch Stephanie's video on trauma bonding. That too helped me to understand why it is so difficult to let go. I hope you are staying strong, doing well and that he's not only out of your house but finally out of your life. Many blessings!
@@lydiam9323 Oh...I forgot to mention to check out books by Melody Beattie. She is well known for helping with codependency. I find her daily meditation book "The Language of Letting Go" helps to keep me on track. Her other books definitely help with healing from codependency. Best of everything to you!
I lost count of the number of times I was accused of being over sensitive when she ranted and raved and called me a c**t on an almost daily basis. The honeymoon period lasted just short of 3 months where I was the guy she knew had always been out there for her, a real man, a proper man, the only guy who ever came close to matching her Father. That switched to constant devaluing, belittling and then admitting she'd had a drink problem for 10 years she refused to get help for as she had never compromised in her life so she's not going to start for a c**t like me. I broke up with her after 22 months, the last 18 being an increasing misery where my cog diss had me doubting my thoughts, boundaries and standards. Great video Steph, many tks, Russell :-)
My dad would scream at me down the phone for 6 months to come and visit him. He's Borderline Personality. He changed over the 3 years I spoke to him. I was stuck in a psychological abusing cycle. Until I started using my therapy and watching these videos, to learn how to set boundaries. I used to accept his controlling behaviour. I would try to set boundaries with him, which would make him angry. I was emotionally drained after phone calls, after he would make me doubt myself, brusing my ego, manipulated, and brusing my self identity. It was hard to speak to him, because he would always tell me I was wrong. I learnt to say no to him for 6 months. Eventually I felt pressured on my birthday month, and regretted saying yes to him. I went back to saying no, and I think he started figuring out I was standing up for myself and losing control to manipulate me to visit him when I didn't want to. He insisted he would show up at my house even when I didn't want him to. I eventually warned him I would block him if he disrespected my boundaries. He didn't believe me. I blocked him on my social media, but he didn't realise it, and went round telling family and friends that "he blocked me", "me as his daughter apparently ruined his relationships with my little sisters and his girlfriends", when in previous years he blamed all our mothers for not having a relationship with any of his daughters. He said "I was impacting his mental health", and that "I apparently didn't want to speak to one of my little sisters" and he made her feel rejected by me, because he pretended to be the victim. My sister believed him for half a year. But he had been getting through my block, gritting people to ring me to ask me why I blocked him, sending me friend requests, I changed my phone number twice. He would send me messages begging me to stop ignoring him. It was a total mind game, and he was trying to manipulate my siblings to get me to contact him again, by trying to make them feel rejected and make me look the the bad guy. I explained my sister he wasn't looking after his mental health at the time, and wanted me to parent him, cook for him, scream at me down the phone, insisted that I move out the county to work for him to exploit me as an employee, clean his house after him... Etc. Like I was his home keeper or maid at Christmas. I was sick of it.
This video is probably the most enlightening and amazing one I have ever watched and I can't thank Stephanie enough - I only wish I had been able to watch it 30 years ago, I would have had a different life for sure. At the same time, now I've watched it, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel freed up to move on and heal, safe in the knowledge that I've suffered for long enough and that actually I'm a good person and not the person my abuser tried to make out I was all these years. A heartfelt thank you Stephanie.
OH GOD ... thank you !! I've been a victim of narc-abuse three times... imagine the confusion... now ... I've found this absolutely amazing guy ... but ... gosh I'm too scared ... thank you for this video. I cried. A LOT. but now... there's hope.. aye? god bless y'all! ✨🙏🏼✨
This really hit home & explained a lot of what I was dealing with. I have been in the phase of “still trying to be friends”….omg what a bad idea. The resentment of having been verbally & financially abused would not go away & I’m just now going no contact. I know I was in a abusive relationship and now the work to heal from that has begun. The part of overwhelming when having a conversation is so real & draining. Yes my standards have changed and at the end of the day a life with him would have been absolute hell…
This video is the perfect overview, to-do, reminder, and primer for people who are wondering and friends who need awareness. I've been watching DAYS of videos learning about narcissism, whether I was being abused, and what I was doing to attract that into my life.
Stephanie, this is one of the most important videos I've watched on this subject matter. I actually just discovered you a few days ago and have watched several of your videos. They've all helped me significantly at a critical time in what feels like an actionable way and with much clearer understanding of the subject of emotional abuse and self-love/standards as I find myself struggling with cognitive dissonance, yet again. I've had so much confusion in a current relationship and have really shut down a part of myself despite having been on this healing path for quite some time. While I still do feel the burning emotion of being shamed or belittled, or the searing feeling of anger with a boundary violation and disrespect or control, I've somehow allowed my compassion of my partner's trauma override my own self-respect and self-love. I've also been fixed on all of the good aspects. That is where I get so confused and so torn. I have allowed myself to suffer the consequences of this stress and cognitive dissonance in a profound way in my body and mind. This is all so eye-opening in a new way. I feel your authenticity and alignment, and you have a clear, direct way of communicating this invaluable information that really resonates with me. I so thank you for your work, your wisdom and your generosity of sharing this with all of us who need it.
Know this post really helped me today, Steph. Experienced profound cognitive dissonance on Father’s Day from a covert narcissistic spouse. Profound because I felt more overwhelmed by my spouse's years-long emotionally abusive behavior patterns than usual. (The 15:15 mark landed particularly strong with my observations and intuition.) After a decade of honing self-parenting/growth (graded recently by a pro... not me), I was able to respond, disengage, and more clearly see that the "profound overwhelm" was coming from a more authentic/healthier me.
I really needed to hear this and I should probably listen every day. It is soul crushing when you start to like them and then they change. Pray that I get over this.
To be honest I consider myself very smart but it just absolutely blows me away when I listen to you.. Its truly amazing how intelligent you are and when u speak everything just flows effortlessly.. I have no idea what college u went to or where u studied but it's truly beautiful.. thank you so much stephanie I really hope you realize exactly how much you helped me and I'm sure many others
Very well said. It helps so much to hear you break it down this way. This is exactly what goes on with the whole dynamic of a narc, it took me years to even be able to understand what was happening when I went through this. Thankyou
First time watching/listening to your videos and I had to stop what I was doing because this is scary accurate. I felt this to my core and have been on the ledge for some time about what to do. The pieces are falling into place and your words were very eye opening and supportive. Thank you!
I was in an domestic abuse marriage for 16 years a left 2 years ago and when a left a took a break down took to drink very heavily I’m now in recover for nearly a year I have noticed way watching domestic violence videos and your videos I have also suffered from emotional abuse I have no family to support me I feel very broken right now watching your videos is helping me day by day a will get there one day and thank you for putting these videos on I now realise it’s not just a partner that is being abusive it also replies to family members also so I thank you once again now I know what to do
Man stephanie I can totally relate to what youre saying in this video. Ive struggled as well with strong personalities as well. I get anxious and nervous and Lose all sense of articulation and those moments were awkward for me. I try to practice having conversations but i still get choked up sometimes but youre videos Have helped me alot!❤😘
What a great video and positive validation. I have brought things up to my covert narc and she would manipulate and gaslight and blame me. I broke up with her and the smear campaign is crazy
Thank you for recognizing that this is something that both sexes are capable of. Too many videos suggest it's just men who can be the narc. 10 years, ahe cut me off yesterday over nothing. I am very broken right now and it's good to hear that others have dealt with the same as it brings me alot of shame and embarrassment. I gave her everything only to be taken, left broken in a pile of questions and disbelief.
You have been so helpful to me with who you are, and what you share. I can relate well to you so all that you share really resonates and reaches me. People in my life have told me things about my spouse that aren’t good but I always let it go. I always let it slide and I made a ton of excuses. The biggest excuse I made for my spouse was, I’m a stay at home mom and he is the one who makes all of the money so really I should let him run the show. I felt guilty that I wasn’t working, even though I was maintaining and supporting the home life of our family. I let my spouse disrespect my mom, my child and even watched him make his own mom cry and I had excuses for it all. What I really wanted in a relationship never mattered because I had everything I needed financially and that was what I accepted for myself. Now that I am working and I am taking steps to do what I need to do to get out of this marriage, I am really waking up with the help of your videos to see how foolish I’ve been. I tried to leave 10 years ago and shortly there after my spouse tricked me into signing a document signing over all my interest in his business. Discovering this now makes me so very angry that he believes that I’ve done nothing to contribute to his prosperity in his life. I just wanted to share a little bit and mostly say thank you so much for providing these videos. You are making a difference in others lives. You’re helping me in my final move of getting out.
Thank you for defining what I’ve been experiencing without understanding... it is torturous to go through this... understanding what is happening helps so so much. Your videos and insights are assisting me so much in my healing. I feel very grateful. Thank you.
You are Beautiful momma...also i want to say that your videos have helped me with my narcissist...She is beyond anything you have ever seen in a movie....10 months ago i felt helpless but now after viewing all of your videos and others who have narcissist videos here on youtube I feel like maybe i'm ready to meet someone new......Thank you
Letting the relationship go is terribly hard when you look into your children's eyes and you know you will be tearing their world and foundation apart for many years to come. That's what kept me in the marriage for 20 years. I never felt I needed a relationship or a man. I still don't... 8 years later.
The part when you said that they want to turn it on us make us doubt ourselves. That’s how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I think that maybe I did ask for too much maybe I was the reason for us not working out. Maybe he is in love with someone else now and fell out of love with me because I wouldn’t give him another chance. I hate that I still have these thoughts it’s like I just can’t move on
No he wasn't good enough for you you're not crazy it's just abuse he put you through he probably really didn't love you anyways and he will treat the other person the same or worse
Man I had it all down except one grave exception - I'd never heard of this personality flaw nor conceived of its sheer manipulative potential so I was head first in totally open hearted & devoted without believing someone could simply have a developmental condition that makes growth nearly impossible
Hi Stephanie. As always, great video. Thank u 4 explaining cognitive dissonance. I’ve been doing research on narcissism for about 2 yrs now since my (now) ex-wide chested on me & I have watched lots of videos/read a lot of articles/books about narcissism & the info in your videos have (seriously) been the most helpful of anything I’ve listened to or read. So I wanted to say thank u 4 how clearly u explain things. I cannot thank u enough of how the info you’ve presented in all your videos have helped me in my healing journey from the 25+ yrs of emotional abuse I’ve been thru w/ my super malignant covert manipulative narcissistic ex. Thank you!
i just woke up to SEVERE abuse. all and everything u speak about its so on point. the grooming, the lovebombing, the conflicting ideas and u just like HOLD UP. what the h*** is happening right now. i saw it first in a vision. then it came to reality. and u give me so much recognition. thank u thank u thank u. I hope this work will be able to give back some day. blessed sistren. u got all my heart.
My narc hubby has resorted into blaming me and saying im the abusive narcissist. And when I call them out in the moment of them gas lighting me they will say im gaslighting them! It baffles me! They admit to being a narc and say they are proud of it but they wont admit to being abusive. They never are the one to blame they always point the finger at me and if i bring that to their attention they will twist it and say im always blaming them! Its a mind f*ck! Its so mental its insane. they love to give me the silent treatment.
Lucie Loo this is called projection! I’m in counseling, after coming out of a really long relationship with a narcissistic abuser, and when working through some of the things I often encountered in the relationship- my counselor informed me that this is called projection. Where they actually project what they’re doing onto you and say that’s what you’re doing.. it is common in many people who have narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, or a combination of both!
Lucie- those are all the classic traits of a narcissistic personality. Run and don't look back. Check out the amazing work of Sam Vaknin. He's a psychology expert but also a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath so can shed some real light on what makes them tick. They are damaged people who just can't relate like normal.
Yesterday I spoke to my ex and I was feeling he was doing all of these things to me and he was a sick narcissist with the worst intentions. And after the talk I feel like I am the narcissist and my head is so jumbled with self doubt when before the talk I was so sure I was in the right. I know I have my flaws I know I am insecure but now I'm starting to wonder if it really was me who was doing this to him all along without realising. I don't know how to sort this mess in my head. I really had just called after days of him not answering the phone or wanting to talk through our issues so i strengthened myself to end the relationship and get closure once and for all after breaking up and getting back together and being told that I'm too sensitive and that my feelings are childish and countless insults and now I'm left thinking I ruined the whole relationship with my needy standards and constantly needing attention when I felt like I was giving him the world and got nothing back. I know love is supposed to be unconditional and I am sure he gave the best he could at the time but I never felt talked to the right way or cherished or treated the right way I odnt know what's what anymore
Omg you have such a perfect perfect perfect way with words. I already knew that about you but you reach the absolute core of what I am feeling a describe it in such an articulate way that makes sense.
This is by far the best video you've made yet Stephanie! I have been watching your videos to find my strength during and after I left a narcissist abusive relationship. The way you put things in perspective has helped me relate more that you know. Thank you for all your knowledge and inspiring words to help me get through this. I look forward to hearing your next week's video! 💞
This is the perfect time to watch your video!!!!! I am walking out of my nar relationship but my emotions is so stuck with the conflict feeling. A month ago my intuition felt sth was wrong and found out he was talking to someone else and make it sounds like I am too sensitive and yelling at me for making a big deal of it.... I am so heartbroken 💔. I don’t understand why I couldn’t let go and I still think of him everyday.... I am struggling 😭
Oh my Goodness I am amazed how brilliant you are. Stephanie you are an amazing life coach and I know you are helping alot of people. God Bless you. And thank you I am just amazed
This is so completely true. It literally took me 2 years to recover from a VERY abusive relationship. Everything she says here was my experience for the YEAR that I was confronting the situation. I had even given this other person a second chance because they promised they would be different. When I left, I literally felt like I had gone insane and had NO grasp on reality. I was so gaslit numerous times.
thank you for the reaffirmation of what I have always sensed and was fearful to truly admit and honestly come to terms with..my standards will no longer be violated at my expense.. practice saying what you need, response VS reaction.. self-healing, self-talk, practice self-love.. avoid the emotional entangling, stay strong, stand your ground, toxic behaviors do not serve they continue to poison us when we have the choice to let the relationship go..
I have just started to listen to you this week. I feel like a whole new universe has opened up. I have thought I was abused for years but he kept me thinking it was all my fault. I will admit that I still have no idea how to get out. He is scary, we have 3 kids, I do work full time, but for a ministry so I make very little.He will make a divorce almost impossible. I am so scared but I know now that it won’t get better, I deserve better and I need to leave. I am fine being alone, that doesn’t scare me at all. The kids are bigger now and hate him as well, so that doesn’t worry me either. He is nuts at time though. He has started to be sickeningly sweet because I have said I am leaving. I know it won’t last...it never does. The boys are willing to call the cops the next time he gets physical. I think we need proof in order to keep him away. I am at a point where I finally see that this needs to happen, I just don’t know how to do it. Ugh
Teach - can you get a higher paying job? Contact a Women's Shelter for advice. Other women w/ kids have managed to leave. Also, think of your boys. They may 'hate him now, but studies show that there is a very high probability that they will copy his behavior...as adults.
Thanks for this it explains it perfectly....can see so clear now....told the person straight,don't want this person any more not same person I married😢 it's hard but I know now the truth
Acceptance comes by not forcing your expectations in your relationship (projecting). Communication is key, as is knowing how mmuch/little to say. People pleasing. reacting instead of responding , and failing to accept reality keep you stuck in stress and CD.
You labeled something that I can relate to I just didn’t know what to call it. This was very helpful to me. Thank you for your time in putting all these videos together. I enjoy all of them and really get a lot out of everything you teach and present and share.
Everything you said is literally my relationship. My eyes was not open and the beginning and just like you said in the beginning they are Prince Charming and now they turned into the villain worst pain of my life . Thank you so much for this video I have been stuck in the cycle for a year and a half .
Hey Stephanie, I just wanted to let you know I’m very impressed with how you explain a narc and their behaviour. It’s like you are explaining my life that I’ve experienced with this person. She would talk me into apologizing for my own opinion or for a fact that can’t be changed, and even though I felt something was wrong I would still come to the point where she made me feel like it was my fault. This wonderful lady has gone as far is pressing criminal charges against me for assault and I believe it is to keep full control of our 18 month old son. I find it hard to believe that somebody can and actually will do that when they were the abusive one and I was the one that had been assaulted on numerous occasions!
I wasn’t quite finished typing LOL I want to add that these charges were pressed after I told her I did not want to have a relationship with her anymore other than to do with our son… Wondering if you have any advice for me as I am in legal issues now and having not seen my son for quite some time and I am also under a no contact order. Thank you for your compassion and spreading your wealth of knowledge to those who need it and are searching for understanding 🙏
Thank you Stephanie Lyn! I never understood how he kept his mask on for so long. After 1 yr. of marriage his mask slowly started slipping & I didn't understand what was happening. When I started to see, the love bombing would start up again. Next would come peace for awhile. Then a problem would arise & the merry-go-round would start up again. I would then get treated to rage or the silent treatment. It was SO confusing. I was working 6 days/week, cooking every night & did not have time to find these videos. Now I am awakening.....so thank you & Dr. Carter from Surviving Narcassism. PS: are you from upstate NY? Your accent sounds so familiar to me.
Hello Stephanie! Thank you so much for doing this amazing work! I learned so much because of your videos and they are really important to me right now. Could you also tackle inner child topic one day? You were mentioning it several times in your previous videos, but I am not sure if I understand the concept, and even more important, what do I do with it and how do I heal it. Again, thank you so much for all that you have done! Greetings from Switzerland :).
Thank you for speaking so clearly and gently. I’ve listen to several videos on the subject of narcissistic abuse and even though very informative at times I’ve felt the strong resentment and anger that these people are still carrying with them. Noticing this on those videos has left me turned off to these people so it has been refreshing to find you and the way you explain the topic with such wisdom, clarity, objectivity and gentleness. Thank you again🙏🌷
When I said “you are not the person you were when we first got married “, she said people change and I should change with her. Thanks for your great videos by the way!
I think people do change and I think it is tricky for two people to sometimes change together I think it’s more of just respecting each other and who you’re becoming as you are on this journey
Stephanie Lyn Coaching Thanks so much for the reply! Your videos have taught me so much. I can’t imagine how many people like me you have and are helping. Great job, thanks again!
It apply to politics, religion, your job, in general social circles, I learned to be happy from inside out not from outside in, keep manipulators out of your closer social circles.
I really needed to hear this. I suffered from cognitive dissonance in childhood during which I suffered child abuse but failed to recognise it as abuse. It’s taken me years to wake up and recover from what happened and to learn to stand up for myself and set boundaries. I recently had the experience of seeing a friend in a completely different light and realised that she had been grooming me to be her personal therapist. At no point in the grooming process did I have any idea what she was doing or that she had any emotional problems. She presented a plausible image to me of being confident, self assured, emotionally mature, approachable but not overly approachable (she must have sensed that I prefer to take my time getting to know people). But once we were in a setting where I couldn’t leave, where she got me alone and had my undivided attention, it was like she’d had a personality transplant. It was if I didn’t know the person in front of me. In an instant, she turned into the most insecure person I’d met in a long time, her life was full of relationship problems, she’d been abused in childhood and was having difficulties processing the trauma, she told me she had a history of being the victim in a multitude of abusive relationships. It was all about her victim story. She turned from being a quiet, reserved person into someone who didn’t stop talking about herself. During this time we had to spend together I observed her manipulations of others and her abuse of them when they set a healthy boundary. She had a complete inability to manage her emotions. It was all or nothing. She either loved you or hated you. It was pretty scary to see such a drastic change in a person. She reminded me of my abusive father whom I would think of later in life as a Jekyll and Hyde type of personality. From the moment I noticed her change, my cognitive dissonance became a voice telling me to watch and observe; to NOT let her any closer into my personal world, and that meant I had to be very neutral in my conversations with her and not give her any personal details. I knew that at the end of this time together (we were on a residential writing course together), that I was going to have to set a limit on how much contact we would have together in the future. I knew she would sense my pulling away, and I knew she would experience this badly. Needless to say I got the backlash I’d seen her mete out to others. It was pretty ugly and it upset me for quite some time afterwards. But what I wanted to say was this, because of this video I have noticed how far I’ve come in my own healing because I didn’t allow the cognitive dissonance to allow me to overlook the abuse I saw. Instead it became something that caused me to see what was going on and it helped me to protect myself. Thank you 🙏 for a great video presentation 🙏🙏🙏
I don’t believe that was cognitive dissonance you were experiencing. It sounds more like you were dealing with someone with severe emotional trauma, and as you got closer, she felt safe and comfortable enough to open up about it. She may have just taken advantage of your willingness to listen, and be there for her. If you knew all of this and knew she was going to experience it “badly”, it seems like you were the one who was giving her some sense of cognitive dissonance.
Great job! I knew what the definition was but you explained it very well, sometimes my thoughts get stuck like that. it makes to much sense how you worded this term.
You just described my ex to the T. Thank you for the validation!! I still find it hard to believe the man and the relationship was all a lie - after all this time- and I consider myself to be a pretty reasonable person. The level of manipulation is unreal.
This is good advice for any relationship. Spouse, friend, sister, brother, cousin ,parents etc. If the person ain't good for you let them go .. Thank You for this video.
Im. Learning so much from all of your videos that i have seen so far. Im amazed on how blind I was to be living with a narcissist. I think I have PTSD from all of it.
This should be taught in schools...to teach people how to spot abusive relationships and establish boundaries. In my entire life, I'd never experienced emotional abuse or cognitive dissonance...until my ex. It took a handful of weird (subtle emotional abusive) exchanges before I said the exact thing to her, "I need to step away, see my counselor...something is off." This was right after she gave me the silent treatment for a day together, and then followed it up with telling me what a great time we had. lol It made me feel crazy. I was always just excusing her behavior...because she would apologize...next thing I know...it was this weird cycle... She agreed to go to therapy, and said everything was good...I let down my guard....boom...discard out of the blue. lol Ugh... So many things didn't make sense....but this video is amazing at how it could be a possible theory as to what happened. I know what is most important is healing and knowing how to keep boundaries...but since I will never get closure....this explanation is the next thing.
Stephanie, this video was life changing for me a few months ago and I am on an amazing path now since watching all of your videos. I am so grateful to have stumbled across your channel. Thank you for your time and efforts and passion to help those who may not have anyone to teach them this insight or know their strength inside that they truly have and had all along. Your understanding and guidance goes deeper than you know of those you touch. You are an inspiration in my life and someone now can I look up to. I have sent tour videos to all of girl friends in the Seattle area who find this very struggle daily even, teens of friends. A million thanks 🙏
I think this is all very good information and i believe cognitive dissonance is what kept me stuck in my emotionally abusive marriage for so many years. I would try to communicate to him that i had changed, that i didn't feel the marriage was working, ect but the guilt from him was overwhelming for me. He would said i did not try hard enough, how can i just give up on him, that i had changed. It was really difficult to take a step back a realize this person was manipulation me into staying married with him. That i was no longer serving myself but just cowing down to him, i was so uncomfortable and leaving was the very best thing i have ever done for myself.
She made a list of my wounds and mistakes to use against me. I couldn’t be a human, just locked in a emotional prison. Repeating the abuse she received that even being sad was an error, a weakness.
I love listening to your videos Stephanie you have been a tremendous help and I no longer have the desire to write about my ex who was a Narcissist. Now I enjoy listening to your content which validates that I am better off and to find a person to have a healthy relationship with.
Stephanie, I Love Your videos. Every time I watch a new video of yours, I learn more and more about what has actually been going on in my relationship. Or actually, fake relationship. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you watching my relationship on your flat screen at home. It wont be long and I'm gonna break this relationship down and break this "narc" down so bad, she ain't gonna know what hit her. She's gonna eat all the shit that she fed me and I'm not even gonna put forth any effort in doing it. It's gonna hurt terribly to see their source of supply doing better and being better than when she was being feeding off of me. She doesn't understand how strong and intelligent I am. I hope that I am able to update somehow. Am I wrong for that?
I love the way you describe things. The application information made me laugh. Such a contrast to the feeling your brain gets when pulled in opposite directions from cognitive dissonance. Thanks Stephanie
This video is so amazingly helpful. The lesson in this video is exactly what I was looking for for months across all of these self help videos. This explains exactly what has been confusing me and why my thought patterns have taken place. I am so thankful Stephanie is explaining all of this so amazingly well! In all of the other videos (other channels) I’ve seen- one thing has been missing. The why. I can’t stress enough how helpful this is!!! I’m so grateful I found this video and this channel!!!
The cognitive dissonance becomes worse and worse with each cycle; the longer you stay, the more confused and dull you will feel.
yes, I am experiencing this now; the access to my own self and feelings was stronger earlier and now that is weakened making me so much more confused and dull. Dull is the perfect adjective. I've been struggling to try to convey how I feel and this describes it so well. thank you for sharing.
@@Kathleensophiacitrine888 my issue since moving out has been the pressure to go to counseling AGAIN and him steadily moving into MY house that I got specifically to get away from him. Thus it is when you have kids together and let yourself be pressured by church counselors who don’t have a degree in psychology or any related field but fancy themselves experts on marriage.
@@leahsmith2078 The same thing happened to me. My pastor never urged us to stay together though. He kept moving into my house. I left many times, but he just kept coming back. I had to move again and cut off his entire family. Best thing I did.
Amen,Leah,lived it!
EXACTLY
Pay attention to the actions.. Not the words!
SO TRUE OVER
Pay attention to words too when they are abusive
Learning to say no to people is one of the best skills to protect someone from narcissist.
Yes it is! it took me so much to be able to say No,it was like impossable for me a few years ago,Now I can say Hell No!!! and No thank you.
THIS!!! 🎯
“If you have to ask if you were being abused then, it was abuse”. It felt like a never ending cycle. One minute he’d be fine and the next it felt like I was his verbal punching bag. I almost felt like he had a split personality. All his friends thought he was a standup guy but, behind closed doors he was the devil. The emotional exhaustion, the feeling of never being good enough and the shame. After he was done, I couldn’t even look in the mirror and see myself. I looked vacant, the life was literally sucked out of me. One month no contact
LibWest sounds like what i lived with my soon to be ex husband.
day 17 single day 9 no contact same thing lotta tears very painful but glad
This mental pain is unreal and unbearable! 💔😢
❤
As soon as she started talking about cognitive dissonance, I just felt the tears run down my cheeks. To think that I had allowed someone to treat me in such a way, it's unbelievable. My biggest blessing was him breaking the engagement off, I thank God.
This process is so much harder when the abuser in your life is your own mother.
Me too girl
Thank God you didn’t get married. It’s even harder then. Wish you all the best!
I’m in post cognitive D. The fog is lifted. I remember the confusion. I’m still amazed people do this. What a hard lesson for good natured trusting people. Teach survival skills in elementary school to promote building a happy life. : ) thank you.
Absolutely
Absolutely yes,navigating toxic behaviour must be taught in schools to help future generations not have to go through the abuse so many people up to now have had to because they didn't know this was a thing!
I think this is one of the most important reasons why it takes time to realize and understand what’s really going on in a relationship with narcissistic people.
It can take decades!
Some times they’re not aware of the huge metal discomfort it might trigger
The last minute of this video where u stated that we are blocking the good in our life by holding on to the negative , was the icing on the cake for me and confirmed what I’ve been doing wrong thank you
Best video yet!!!!!! You just explained my 20 year marriage. Can't do the job......he's fired!
Beth R 20 years here as well
16 here. Working on my exit plan. He's definitely not worth me. I already feel so sorry for his next girlfriend or wife. After marrying him, one of his long time 'friends' told me I am #4 in his sick pattern. Uuugh. Wish all of us well here. Thank you so much for these videos!!!
I bet you didn’t leave 🤔
12 years and we’re not married 😩
Mine gets fired today. I leave in 10 days
Yes....they are master manipulators....my husband narc would tell me I was too emotional when he would emotionally abuse me he would later say to others that he had to “toughen me up” because I was always crying because of the way he was treating me that I started believing that something was really wrong with me...WOW this was so enlightening...thank you so much Steph...many blessings.
Thank you.💖
Happened to me,exactly as you described.
Happens to me too
I totally feel you. How about 'I want you to be a better person so that's why I criticize you-we're on the same team...WHAT A JOKE. All this abuse disguised in the efforts to 'make u better' #cutnarcsoff!
I'm so sorry for you. I hope you can find happiness. You truly deserve it. Look up Abraham Hicks if you want. That helped me.
I really needed to hear this tonight. I feel so very broken. Thank you for making this video. It gives me hope for myself
Devon Marie I hope you give yourself extra self love/care right now to heal.
Me too...Right on time
Devon Marie me too
you are not the only one Devon Marie, my narcissist is also an alcoholic and I am leaving him in a week. friends coming to help me move while he is gone. I cant take it anymore.
Be strong, you are great and deserve to be happy
Conflicted ...good guy / bad guy
Its ALL about them
The world revolves around them
You don't matter
Your thoughts don't matter
Your love is not felt or reciprocated
Your love is exploited
Your needs don't matter
Your wants don't matter
You are nothing to them
You're a side dish
They are the main course
They are not who you thought they were in the beginning
That person is gone forever never to return
That person is not real
They are an illusion, a fantasy, make believe, non existent
Accept the reality
You were duped
Forgive yourself
Let go
Move on
You Matter
Your Feelings are Real
You deserve to be happy
You deserve a trustworthy partner
Trust yourself
Your body knows the truth
Your body keeps the score
Your body never lies
Stop settling for crumbs
Set yourself free of the insanity
Get off the crazy go round
This is so true! The mask comes off real fast when you start to question & say no I don’t like this situation. I was gaslighted too. I had no idea what she was or what she was doing until I left & saw a psychologist. 😣
" its blocking the good that could come in your life now" great point!
I absolutely love how you explain things. I’m in the planning phase of leaving a narcissistic marriage (in counseling, stashing cash, looking for a safe place to go) and am terrified to leave. But my 2 1/2 year old son deserves a healthy and happy childhood. I need to free is not only for me but mainly for him. My mom is narcissistic and being 41 and just now learning so much about myself I’m beginning to understand how I ended up here. And never want to again. You really said something that stuck out to me… relationships don’t need to be for life. Friendships and relationships change and it’s ok. And change can be good. I’m sooo terrified of the verbal bashing that will happen… but you really speak in a way that helps me learn tips to keep pushing thru. Thank you!
Are you OK? Did you figure it out?
I'm still in this and I'm 1 1/2 years out of the abusive relationship. The more I find out the more difficult it gets.
Stop finding out!!! If people want to continue to tell you things about him shut them down. Tell them it's in the past and you're moving forward then walk away!!!!!
Coming from my own experience and years of my own self searching and endless research on Narcissism, the first step in healing oneself from any past, present as well as any future pain and trauma we experience and carry along the baggage within us, what you never hear or read in all these narcissist articals or video is the real and only truth, and sometimes the truth is not so pretty, in almost any and all information on Narcissism, they are lableled the abuser and the other as the victim, true or not true ? Here is where the problem lies ! If your answer was true, its only true from your own perspective, which is only half the equation and half the truth, true healing only comes when one can change their perspective and perception of oneself, and realize that in reality, there are no victims, for there to be victim, there must also be a victimizer, which opens up a whole other can of worms, which society has programmed us into believing in, i fell into the trap along with everyone else, I blamed my wife of 20yrs on everything wrong in our marriage, i was the victim from her narcissism, for everything, and truly felt like I was and the pain was real, in my next relationship of 5yrs with another woman also a narcissist, I also felt like a victim, and I didnt start to wake up until midway into this relationship, I had no idea or knowledge about narcissism until well after a 20 year marriage to one woman, still pointing the finger and putting the blame from my pain on her, it wasn't until I looked up the definition of narcissism that I started to change my perception of myself and my perspective view I had of my ex-wife back then, and at the time, with my then present girlfriend that I begun to wake up and that's when the healing begun, Rule#1
This is Straight out of wiki:
Codependents and narcissist are drawn together like magnets. The 1st step was realizing I also had a problem, aka a personality disorder, 2nd you can't have one without the other, like hot cold, up down, they go hand in hand, to put all the blame or faults on one and not the other and place oneself in the victims category, is from our own narrow perspective and perception of ourself, let me give you a small glimpse of the awakening i was hit with one day, when my perspective point of view had a slight change in direction, for over 20yrs I felt I was this victim, my wife did this, she did that, she was the blame for this, yada, yada..... But I stayed in this relationship for 20yrs, the reality hit me like a brick wall, all the problems I experienced didn't just start after 20yrs, or 10yrs or even 5yrs, they started from the beggining, I woke up big time with the biggest ducking hangover because I blamed someone else for what I felt like was a waste of 20 yrs of my life and I felt cheated and angree, but the bigger picture was profound, i had no one to blame but myself, I begun to own all of it, I KNEW right then, that in all fairness at the most, all I could put on my wife's part could be 50/50 !
But I knew that wasn't even true in all honesty to myself and my ex wife, all those years and things I went thru, i had a choice, we all have a choice, if my wife made a decision with something I didn't like or something i was uncomfortable with or i didn't agree with at the start of our relationship, starting with the 1st week, the 1st month,1st yr. 2nd yr. 5th yr. Any time after, I made the choice to stay, nobody forced me, i made that decision, I could have left at anytime, I alone made the decision to stay in a relationships for 20yrs but now I can see that staying in a relationship that was unhealthy and uncomfortable for both sides, I don't blame her for anything anymore i don't even blame myself anymore, I forgive myself, that's when the pain took a hike quick, when I reflect back i don't feel that loss, or the lump in my stomach, or in my heart, no more anger and it feels so good !
when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change !
I'm all ears and here for anyone that needs someone to talk to, i have so many more helpful tips on how I overcame the codependent/Narcissist blame game !
✌
Primordialsimilarity I know I’m a codependent and stayed 18 yrs. we were on and off 6 times and married twice! I blame myself for staying and him for abusing me. Right now we just got separated he’s been out of the house in his own apt 4 days. I’ve hit rock bottom there’s no going back to this nightmare. But I’m having bad cognitive dissonance
@@lydiam9323 It helped me to keep telling myself exactly what Stephanie said...and I actually did say this to my narc...actions speak louder than words...if those don't match up there is definitely a problem. Also, I found it very difficult to let go of the fantasy and accept him for who he really is...that was a light bulb moment, and extremely
freeing/liberating...accepting him for who he really is...and that truly doesn't match what I want and deserve in my life! If you haven't already you might want to watch Stephanie's video on trauma bonding. That too helped me to understand why it is so difficult to let go. I hope you are staying strong, doing well and that he's not only out of your house but finally out of your life. Many blessings!
@@lydiam9323 Oh...I forgot to mention to check out books by Melody Beattie. She is well known for helping with codependency. I find her daily meditation book "The Language of Letting Go" helps to keep me on track. Her other books definitely help with healing from codependency. Best of everything to you!
I lost count of the number of times I was accused of being over sensitive when she ranted and raved and called me a c**t on an almost daily basis. The honeymoon period lasted just short of 3 months where I was the guy she knew had always been out there for her, a real man, a proper man, the only guy who ever came close to matching her Father. That switched to constant devaluing, belittling and then admitting she'd had a drink problem for 10 years she refused to get help for as she had never compromised in her life so she's not going to start for a c**t like me. I broke up with her after 22 months, the last 18 being an increasing misery where my cog diss had me doubting my thoughts, boundaries and standards. Great video Steph, many tks, Russell :-)
So accurate to a painful journey, but an enlightening one. I wish all of you struggling to make sense of things..compassion and grace 😊
This is a living hell for me...when do the love/hate thoughts go away. Im out of the relationship but his evil energy is still in my soul.
me too day 17
And that's why I'm staying single forever.
Be your own best friend.
My dad would scream at me down the phone for 6 months to come and visit him. He's Borderline Personality. He changed over the 3 years I spoke to him. I was stuck in a psychological abusing cycle. Until I started using my therapy and watching these videos, to learn how to set boundaries. I used to accept his controlling behaviour. I would try to set boundaries with him, which would make him angry. I was emotionally drained after phone calls, after he would make me doubt myself, brusing my ego, manipulated, and brusing my self identity. It was hard to speak to him, because he would always tell me I was wrong. I learnt to say no to him for 6 months. Eventually I felt pressured on my birthday month, and regretted saying yes to him. I went back to saying no, and I think he started figuring out I was standing up for myself and losing control to manipulate me to visit him when I didn't want to. He insisted he would show up at my house even when I didn't want him to. I eventually warned him I would block him if he disrespected my boundaries. He didn't believe me. I blocked him on my social media, but he didn't realise it, and went round telling family and friends that "he blocked me", "me as his daughter apparently ruined his relationships with my little sisters and his girlfriends", when in previous years he blamed all our mothers for not having a relationship with any of his daughters. He said "I was impacting his mental health", and that "I apparently didn't want to speak to one of my little sisters" and he made her feel rejected by me, because he pretended to be the victim. My sister believed him for half a year. But he had been getting through my block, gritting people to ring me to ask me why I blocked him, sending me friend requests, I changed my phone number twice. He would send me messages begging me to stop ignoring him. It was a total mind game, and he was trying to manipulate my siblings to get me to contact him again, by trying to make them feel rejected and make me look the the bad guy. I explained my sister he wasn't looking after his mental health at the time, and wanted me to parent him, cook for him, scream at me down the phone, insisted that I move out the county to work for him to exploit me as an employee, clean his house after him... Etc. Like I was his home keeper or maid at Christmas. I was sick of it.
This video is probably the most enlightening and amazing one I have ever watched and I can't thank Stephanie enough - I only wish I had been able to watch it 30 years ago, I would have had a different life for sure. At the same time, now I've watched it, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel freed up to move on and heal, safe in the knowledge that I've suffered for long enough and that actually I'm a good person and not the person my abuser tried to make out I was all these years. A heartfelt thank you Stephanie.
OH GOD ... thank you !!
I've been a victim of narc-abuse three times... imagine the confusion...
now ... I've found this absolutely amazing guy ... but ... gosh I'm too scared ...
thank you for this video. I cried. A LOT. but now... there's hope.. aye?
god bless y'all! ✨🙏🏼✨
This really hit home & explained a lot of what I was dealing with. I have been in the phase of “still trying to be friends”….omg what a bad idea. The resentment of having been verbally & financially abused would not go away & I’m just now going no contact. I know I was in a abusive relationship and now the work to heal from that has begun. The part of overwhelming when having a conversation is so real & draining. Yes my standards have changed and at the end of the day a life with him would have been absolute hell…
This video is the perfect overview, to-do, reminder, and primer for people who are wondering and friends who need awareness.
I've been watching DAYS of videos learning about narcissism, whether I was being abused, and what I was doing to attract that into my life.
Stephanie, this is one of the most important videos I've watched on this subject matter. I actually just discovered you a few days ago and have watched several of your videos. They've all helped me significantly at a critical time in what feels like an actionable way and with much clearer understanding of the subject of emotional abuse and self-love/standards as I find myself struggling with cognitive dissonance, yet again. I've had so much confusion in a current relationship and have really shut down a part of myself despite having been on this healing path for quite some time. While I still do feel the burning emotion of being shamed or belittled, or the searing feeling of anger with a boundary violation and disrespect or control, I've somehow allowed my compassion of my partner's trauma override my own self-respect and self-love. I've also been fixed on all of the good aspects. That is where I get so confused and so torn. I have allowed myself to suffer the consequences of this stress and cognitive dissonance in a profound way in my body and mind. This is all so eye-opening in a new way. I feel your authenticity and alignment, and you have a clear, direct way of communicating this invaluable information that really resonates with me. I so thank you for your work, your wisdom and your generosity of sharing this with all of us who need it.
Know this post really helped me today, Steph. Experienced profound cognitive dissonance on Father’s Day from a covert narcissistic spouse. Profound because I felt more overwhelmed by my spouse's years-long emotionally abusive behavior patterns than usual. (The 15:15 mark landed particularly strong with my observations and intuition.) After a decade of honing self-parenting/growth (graded recently by a pro... not me), I was able to respond, disengage, and more clearly see that the "profound overwhelm" was coming from a more authentic/healthier me.
I really needed to hear this and I should probably listen every day. It is soul crushing when you start to like them and then they change. Pray that I get over this.
You really made it hit home for me how to pick friends and dating partners when u said the job analogy. THANK YOU!
To be honest I consider myself very smart but it just absolutely blows me away when I listen to you.. Its truly amazing how intelligent you are and when u speak everything just flows effortlessly.. I have no idea what college u went to or where u studied but it's truly beautiful.. thank you so much stephanie I really hope you realize exactly how much you helped me and I'm sure many others
Very well said. It helps so much to hear you break it down this way. This is exactly what goes on with the whole dynamic of a narc, it took me years to even be able to understand what was happening when I went through this. Thankyou
First time watching/listening to your videos and I had to stop what I was doing because this is scary accurate. I felt this to my core and have been on the ledge for some time about what to do. The pieces are falling into place and your words were very eye opening and supportive. Thank you!
I was in an domestic abuse marriage for 16 years a left 2 years ago and when a left a took a break down took to drink very heavily I’m now in recover for nearly a year I have noticed way watching domestic violence videos and your videos I have also suffered from emotional abuse I have no family to support me I feel very broken right now watching your videos is helping me day by day a will get there one day and thank you for putting these videos on I now realise it’s not just a partner that is being abusive it also replies to family members also so I thank you once again now I know what to do
a people pleaser, didn't know how to fight for myself... this got me
Very well done I've always heard that term but never understood it. Thank you for your time and energy for putting this together
Yes the narcissist studies what hurts you the way a normal partner would study what helps you.
Man stephanie I can totally relate to what youre saying in this video. Ive struggled as well with strong personalities as well. I get anxious and nervous and Lose all sense of articulation and those moments were awkward for me. I try to practice having conversations but i still get choked up sometimes but youre videos Have helped me alot!❤😘
What a great video and positive validation. I have brought things up to my covert narc and she would manipulate and gaslight and blame me. I broke up with her and the smear campaign is crazy
Thank you for recognizing that this is something that both sexes are capable of.
Too many videos suggest it's just men who can be the narc.
10 years, ahe cut me off yesterday over nothing. I am very broken right now and it's good to hear that others have dealt with the same as it brings me alot of shame and embarrassment.
I gave her everything only to be taken, left broken in a pile of questions and disbelief.
I wasnt fully aware of standards, and boudaries after an abusive marriage. And now im learning. Thank you!
I love stephanie, she gives great advice and shes really pretty. Wish i had a sister or friend like her.
Now you can by becoming your own best friend through self care
Im in love with her
@@misstaiwan thanks giselle. It's a work in progress. My journey isnt easy. But im trying nonetheless.
@@Summerlove23 and that's awesome! We're all human and our best should be celebrated 💙 you are not alone!
@@MRB1199 Me too!
Brilliant video.
Really surprised your videos weren't recommended to me by TH-cam until I searched Cognitive dissonance. Subscribed, thanks.
You have been so helpful to me with who you are, and what you share. I can relate well to you so all that you share really resonates and reaches me. People in my life have told me things about my spouse that aren’t good but I always let it go. I always let it slide and I made a ton of excuses. The biggest excuse I made for my spouse was, I’m a stay at home mom and he is the one who makes all of the money so really I should let him run the show. I felt guilty that I wasn’t working, even though I was maintaining and supporting the home life of our family. I let my spouse disrespect my mom, my child and even watched him make his own mom cry and I had excuses for it all. What I really wanted in a relationship never mattered because I had everything I needed financially and that was what I accepted for myself. Now that I am working and I am taking steps to do what I need to do to get out of this marriage, I am really waking up with the help of your videos to see how foolish I’ve been. I tried to leave 10 years ago and shortly there after my spouse tricked me into signing a document signing over all my interest in his business. Discovering this now makes me so very angry that he believes that I’ve done nothing to contribute to his prosperity in his life. I just wanted to share a little bit and mostly say thank you so much for providing these videos. You are making a difference in others lives. You’re helping me in my final move of getting out.
Thank you for defining what I’ve been experiencing without understanding... it is torturous to go through this... understanding what is happening helps so so much. Your videos and insights are assisting me so much in my healing. I feel very grateful. Thank you.
You are Beautiful momma...also i want to say that your videos have helped me with my narcissist...She is beyond anything you have ever seen in a movie....10 months ago i felt helpless but now after viewing all of your videos and others who have narcissist videos here on youtube I feel like maybe i'm ready to meet someone new......Thank you
Letting the relationship go is terribly hard when you look into your children's eyes and you know you will be tearing their world and foundation apart for many years to come. That's what kept me in the marriage for 20 years. I never felt I needed a relationship or a man. I still don't... 8 years later.
I feel the same Becky ... I was married 26 yrs, the saddest hardest part for me still is seeing the sadness in their eyes
Do your part as a parent and keep reminding them to be thankful of what they have, not what missing.
The part when you said that they want to turn it on us make us doubt ourselves. That’s how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I think that maybe I did ask for too much maybe I was the reason for us not working out. Maybe he is in love with someone else now and fell out of love with me because I wouldn’t give him another chance. I hate that I still have these thoughts it’s like I just can’t move on
No he wasn't good enough for you you're not crazy it's just abuse he put you through he probably really didn't love you anyways and he will treat the other person the same or worse
Man I had it all down except one grave exception - I'd never heard of this personality flaw nor conceived of its sheer manipulative potential so I was head first in totally open hearted & devoted without believing someone could simply have a developmental condition that makes growth nearly impossible
Hi Stephanie. As always, great video. Thank u 4 explaining cognitive dissonance. I’ve been doing research on narcissism for about 2 yrs now since my (now) ex-wide chested on me & I have watched lots of videos/read a lot of articles/books about narcissism & the info in your videos have (seriously) been the most helpful of anything I’ve listened to or read. So I wanted to say thank u 4 how clearly u explain things. I cannot thank u enough of how the info you’ve presented in all your videos have helped me in my healing journey from the 25+ yrs of emotional abuse I’ve been thru w/ my super malignant covert manipulative narcissistic ex. Thank you!
I’ve watched countless narc videos and this one by far has been the most helpful.
i just woke up to SEVERE abuse. all and everything u speak about its so on point. the grooming, the lovebombing, the conflicting ideas and u just like HOLD UP. what the h*** is happening right now. i saw it first in a vision. then it came to reality. and u give me so much recognition. thank u thank u thank u. I hope this work will be able to give back some day. blessed sistren. u got all my heart.
I just found you and I’ve been listening to your videos this week. They are so uplifting and providing me strength to leave. Thank you!
My narc hubby has resorted into blaming me and saying im the abusive narcissist. And when I call them out in the moment of them gas lighting me they will say im gaslighting them! It baffles me! They admit to being a narc and say they are proud of it but they wont admit to being abusive. They never are the one to blame they always point the finger at me and if i bring that to their attention they will twist it and say im always blaming them! Its a mind f*ck! Its so mental its insane. they love to give me the silent treatment.
Lucie Loo this is called projection! I’m in counseling, after coming out of a really long relationship with a narcissistic abuser, and when working through some of the things I often encountered in the relationship- my counselor informed me that this is called projection. Where they actually project what they’re doing onto you and say that’s what you’re doing.. it is common in many people who have narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, or a combination of both!
Lucie- those are all the classic traits of a narcissistic personality. Run and don't look back. Check out the amazing work of Sam Vaknin. He's a psychology expert but also a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath so can shed some real light on what makes them tick. They are damaged people who just can't relate like normal.
Omg this is my relationship too!!!
Going through that now!
Yesterday I spoke to my ex and I was feeling he was doing all of these things to me and he was a sick narcissist with the worst intentions. And after the talk I feel like I am the narcissist and my head is so jumbled with self doubt when before the talk I was so sure I was in the right. I know I have my flaws I know I am insecure but now I'm starting to wonder if it really was me who was doing this to him all along without realising. I don't know how to sort this mess in my head. I really had just called after days of him not answering the phone or wanting to talk through our issues so i strengthened myself to end the relationship and get closure once and for all after breaking up and getting back together and being told that I'm too sensitive and that my feelings are childish and countless insults and now I'm left thinking I ruined the whole relationship with my needy standards and constantly needing attention when I felt like I was giving him the world and got nothing back. I know love is supposed to be unconditional and I am sure he gave the best he could at the time but I never felt talked to the right way or cherished or treated the right way I odnt know what's what anymore
YES, this was so helpful. I cannot express how utterly stuck I have been. It's a new day!
Omg you have such a perfect perfect perfect way with words. I already knew that about you but you reach the absolute core of what I am feeling a describe it in such an articulate way that makes sense.
This is by far the best video you've made yet Stephanie! I have been watching your videos to find my strength during and after I left a narcissist abusive relationship. The way you put things in perspective has helped me relate more that you know. Thank you for all your knowledge and inspiring words to help me get through this. I look forward to hearing your next week's video! 💞
This is the perfect time to watch your video!!!!! I am walking out of my nar relationship but my emotions is so stuck with the conflict feeling. A month ago my intuition felt sth was wrong and found out he was talking to someone else and make it sounds like I am too sensitive and yelling at me for making a big deal of it.... I am so heartbroken 💔. I don’t understand why I couldn’t let go and I still think of him everyday.... I am struggling 😭
Oh my Goodness
I am amazed how brilliant you are.
Stephanie you are an amazing life coach and I know you are helping alot of people.
God Bless you.
And thank you
I am just amazed
This is so completely true. It literally took me 2 years to recover from a VERY abusive relationship. Everything she says here was my experience for the YEAR that I was confronting the situation. I had even given this other person a second chance because they promised they would be different. When I left, I literally felt like I had gone insane and had NO grasp on reality. I was so gaslit numerous times.
thank you for the reaffirmation of what I have always sensed and was fearful to truly admit and honestly come to terms with..my standards will no longer be violated at my expense.. practice saying what you need, response VS reaction.. self-healing, self-talk, practice self-love.. avoid the emotional entangling, stay strong, stand your ground, toxic behaviors do not serve they continue to poison us when we have the choice to let the relationship go..
I have just started to listen to you this week. I feel like a whole new universe has opened up. I have thought I was abused for years but he kept me thinking it was all my fault. I will admit that I still have no idea how to get out. He is scary, we have 3 kids, I do work full time, but for a ministry so I make very little.He will make a divorce almost impossible. I am so scared but I know now that it won’t get better, I deserve better and I need to leave. I am fine being alone, that doesn’t scare me at all. The kids are bigger now and hate him as well, so that doesn’t worry me either. He is nuts at time though. He has started to be sickeningly sweet because I have said I am leaving. I know it won’t last...it never does. The boys are willing to call the cops the next time he gets physical. I think we need proof in order to keep him away. I am at a point where I finally see that this needs to happen, I just don’t know how to do it. Ugh
Teach - can you get a higher paying job? Contact a Women's Shelter for advice. Other women w/ kids have managed to leave. Also, think of your boys. They may 'hate him now, but studies show that there is a very high probability that they will copy his behavior...as adults.
Thanks for this it explains it perfectly....can see so clear now....told the person straight,don't want this person any more not same person I married😢 it's hard but I know now the truth
Acceptance comes by not forcing your expectations in your relationship (projecting). Communication is key, as is knowing how mmuch/little to say. People pleasing. reacting instead of responding , and failing to accept reality keep you stuck in stress and CD.
Perfectly describes exactly what I've just been through. It is so painful to experience.
Great explanation 👌 👍 👏
" Stuck" is a good way of putting it.
You labeled something that I can relate to I just didn’t know what to call it. This was very helpful to me. Thank you for your time in putting all these videos together. I enjoy all of them and really get a lot out of everything you teach and present and share.
Everything you said is literally my relationship. My eyes was not open and the beginning and just like you said in the beginning they are Prince Charming and now they turned into the villain worst pain of my life . Thank you so much for this video I have been stuck in the cycle for a year and a half .
This is Awesome 🌹🌹🌹.
I need to be happy,let me not block My good which is to come. The relationship has served its purpose.
Thank You Lyn ❤️🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕
Hey Stephanie, I just wanted to let you know I’m very impressed with how you explain a narc and their behaviour. It’s like you are explaining my life that I’ve experienced with this person. She would talk me into apologizing for my own opinion or for a fact that can’t be changed, and even though I felt something was wrong I would still come to the point where she made me feel like it was my fault. This wonderful lady has gone as far is pressing criminal charges against me for assault and I believe it is to keep full control of our 18 month old son. I find it hard to believe that somebody can and actually will do that when they were the abusive one and I was the one that had been assaulted on numerous occasions!
I wasn’t quite finished typing LOL I want to add that these charges were pressed after I told her I did not want to have a relationship with her anymore other than to do with our son… Wondering if you have any advice for me as I am in legal issues now and having not seen my son for quite some time and I am also under a no contact order.
Thank you for your compassion and spreading your wealth of knowledge to those who need it and are searching for understanding 🙏
Thank you Stephanie Lyn! I never understood how he kept his mask on for so long. After 1 yr. of marriage his mask slowly started slipping & I didn't understand what was happening. When I started to see, the love bombing would start up again. Next would come peace for awhile. Then a problem would arise & the merry-go-round would start up again. I would then get treated to rage or the silent treatment. It was SO confusing. I was working 6 days/week, cooking every night & did not have time to find these videos. Now I am awakening.....so thank you & Dr. Carter from Surviving Narcassism. PS: are you from upstate NY? Your accent sounds so familiar to me.
Hello Stephanie! Thank you so much for doing this amazing work! I learned so much because of your videos and they are really important to me right now. Could you also tackle inner child topic one day? You were mentioning it several times in your previous videos, but I am not sure if I understand the concept, and even more important, what do I do with it and how do I heal it. Again, thank you so much for all that you have done! Greetings from Switzerland :).
Thank you for speaking so clearly and gently. I’ve listen to several videos on the subject of narcissistic abuse and even though very informative at times I’ve felt the strong resentment and anger that these people are still carrying with them. Noticing this on those videos has left me turned off to these people so it has been refreshing to find you and the way you explain the topic with such wisdom, clarity, objectivity and gentleness. Thank you again🙏🌷
Another great video. Thank you Stephanie! Very clear on how cognitive dissonance creeps into a relationship with a narcissist.
When I said “you are not the person you were when we first got married “, she said people change and I should change with her. Thanks for your great videos by the way!
I think people do change and I think it is tricky for two people to sometimes change together I think it’s more of just respecting each other and who you’re becoming as you are on this journey
Stephanie Lyn Coaching
Thanks so much for the reply!
Your videos have taught me so much. I can’t imagine how many people like me you have and are helping. Great job, thanks again!
It apply to politics, religion, your job, in general social circles, I learned to be happy from inside out not from outside in, keep manipulators out of your closer social circles.
OMG. This made it so clear. Wow. I was so played perfectly.
I really needed to hear this. I suffered from cognitive dissonance in childhood during which I suffered child abuse but failed to recognise it as abuse. It’s taken me years to wake up and recover from what happened and to learn to stand up for myself and set boundaries.
I recently had the experience of seeing a friend in a completely different light and realised that she had been grooming me to be her personal therapist. At no point in the grooming process did I have any idea what she was doing or that she had any emotional problems. She presented a plausible image to me of being confident, self assured, emotionally mature, approachable but not overly approachable (she must have sensed that I prefer to take my time getting to know people). But once we were in a setting where I couldn’t leave, where she got me alone and had my undivided attention, it was like she’d had a personality transplant. It was if I didn’t know the person in front of me. In an instant, she turned into the most insecure person I’d met in a long time, her life was full of relationship problems, she’d been abused in childhood and was having difficulties processing the trauma, she told me she had a history of being the victim in a multitude of abusive relationships. It was all about her victim story. She turned from being a quiet, reserved person into someone who didn’t stop talking about herself. During this time we had to spend together I observed her manipulations of others and her abuse of them when they set a healthy boundary. She had a complete inability to manage her emotions. It was all or nothing. She either loved you or hated you. It was pretty scary to see such a drastic change in a person. She reminded me of my abusive father whom I would think of later in life as a Jekyll and Hyde type of personality.
From the moment I noticed her change, my cognitive dissonance became a voice telling me to watch and observe; to NOT let her any closer into my personal world, and that meant I had to be very neutral in my conversations with her and not give her any personal details. I knew that at the end of this time together (we were on a residential writing course together), that I was going to have to set a limit on how much contact we would have together in the future. I knew she would sense my pulling away, and I knew she would experience this badly.
Needless to say I got the backlash I’d seen her mete out to others. It was pretty ugly and it upset me for quite some time afterwards. But what I wanted to say was this, because of this video I have noticed how far I’ve come in my own healing because I didn’t allow the cognitive dissonance to allow me to overlook the abuse I saw. Instead it became something that caused me to see what was going on and it helped me to protect myself.
Thank you 🙏 for a great video presentation 🙏🙏🙏
I don’t believe that was cognitive dissonance you were experiencing. It sounds more like you were dealing with someone with severe emotional trauma, and as you got closer, she felt safe and comfortable enough to open up about it. She may have just taken advantage of your willingness to listen, and be there for her. If you knew all of this and knew she was going to experience it “badly”, it seems like you were the one who was giving her some sense of cognitive dissonance.
Or just resentment
Thank you for great explanation and excellent advice.
Great job! I knew what the definition was but you explained it very well, sometimes my thoughts get stuck like that. it makes to much sense how you worded this term.
This makes so much sense!!! Very glad I stumbled upon your channel. Are narcissists aware of what they're doing?
I love you Stephanie! You are completely awesome!!
I like her strength Nd positivity
You just described my ex to the T. Thank you for the validation!!
I still find it hard to believe the man and the relationship was all a lie - after all this time- and I consider myself to be a pretty reasonable person. The level of manipulation is unreal.
Once again, so very helpful! Thank you!!!
This is good advice for any relationship. Spouse, friend, sister, brother, cousin ,parents etc. If the person ain't good for you let them go .. Thank You for this video.
Im. Learning so much from all of your videos that i have seen so far. Im amazed on how blind I was to be living with a narcissist. I think I have PTSD from all of it.
This should be taught in schools...to teach people how to spot abusive relationships and establish boundaries.
In my entire life, I'd never experienced emotional abuse or cognitive dissonance...until my ex. It took a handful of weird (subtle emotional abusive) exchanges before I said the exact thing to her, "I need to step away, see my counselor...something is off." This was right after she gave me the silent treatment for a day together, and then followed it up with telling me what a great time we had. lol
It made me feel crazy.
I was always just excusing her behavior...because she would apologize...next thing I know...it was this weird cycle...
She agreed to go to therapy, and said everything was good...I let down my guard....boom...discard out of the blue. lol Ugh...
So many things didn't make sense....but this video is amazing at how it could be a possible theory as to what happened. I know what is most important is healing and knowing how to keep boundaries...but since I will never get closure....this explanation is the next thing.
I've said this too. On some other pages it SHOULD be taught at schools!!!!!
Stephanie, this video was life changing for me a few months ago and I am on an amazing path now since watching all of your videos. I am so grateful to have stumbled across your channel. Thank you for your time and efforts and passion to help those who may not have anyone to teach them this insight or know their strength inside that they truly have and had all along. Your understanding and guidance goes deeper than you know of those you touch. You are an inspiration in my life and someone now can I look up to. I have sent tour videos to all of girl friends in the Seattle area who find this very struggle daily even, teens of friends.
A million thanks 🙏
Thank you so much. You don't sugar coat anything. your honesty and knowledge is refreshing
I think this is all very good information and i believe cognitive dissonance is what kept me stuck in my emotionally abusive marriage for so many years. I would try to communicate to him that i had changed, that i didn't feel the marriage was working, ect but the guilt from him was overwhelming for me. He would said i did not try hard enough, how can i just give up on him, that i had changed. It was really difficult to take a step back a realize this person was manipulation me into staying married with him. That i was no longer serving myself but just cowing down to him, i was so uncomfortable and leaving was the very best thing i have ever done for myself.
Vital information here for dignity and self worth in a relationship.
That was great. Thank you so much for posting this!
Thank you Stephanie! My days of being a doormat stop today!!!!
She made a list of my wounds and mistakes to use against me. I couldn’t be a human, just locked in a emotional prison. Repeating the abuse she received that even being sad was an error, a weakness.
Thank you for sharing. You are on point! After 20 years believing in this marriage.😞
Could you do a video on sister relationships where one is an empath and one is a covert narcissist?
I say this all the time actions speak. Louder 🔊 than words 🗣️
You are helping me so much. I needed to hear what you have been saying and it got me from allowing abuse to ending it.
I love listening to your videos Stephanie you have been a tremendous help and I no longer have the desire to write about my ex who was a Narcissist. Now I enjoy listening to your content which validates that I am better off and to find a person to have a healthy relationship with.
Stephanie, I Love Your videos. Every time I watch a new video of yours, I learn more and more about what has actually been going on in my relationship. Or actually, fake relationship. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you watching my relationship on your flat screen at home. It wont be long and I'm gonna break this relationship down and break this "narc" down so bad, she ain't gonna know what hit her. She's gonna eat all the shit that she fed me and I'm not even gonna put forth any effort in doing it. It's gonna hurt terribly to see their source of supply doing better and being better than when she was being feeding off of me. She doesn't understand how strong and intelligent I am. I hope that I am able to update somehow. Am I wrong for that?
I love the way you describe things. The application information made me laugh. Such a contrast to the feeling your brain gets when pulled in opposite directions from cognitive dissonance. Thanks Stephanie
This video is so amazingly helpful. The lesson in this video is exactly what I was looking for for months across all of these self help videos. This explains exactly what has been confusing me and why my thought patterns have taken place. I am so thankful Stephanie is explaining all of this so amazingly well! In all of the other videos (other channels) I’ve seen- one thing has been missing. The why. I can’t stress enough how helpful this is!!! I’m so grateful I found this video and this channel!!!