Get Your Power Back in Relationships! | Kati Morton
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
- Here are the top 5 ways we give away our power without knowing it.
1. Over Apologizing: I know I do this. I say sorry for things I had no control over, or if someone else does something hurtful to me, I apologize for it. It’s disempowering and exhausting, and can leave us feeling unfulfilled and misunderstood by those in our lives.
2. Letting someone else make decisions for you: If you aren’t able to make decisions on your own you may be giving away all of your power.
3. Playing the victim (helpless) / being a martyr: This can be a result of PTSD or trauma in our past, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior, it just helps us to understand why we are doing it. If we find ourselves blaming others for our own feelings and upset, or expecting everyone else to “fix things” or apologize to us, or even if we simply cannot take responsibility for how our actions have affected others, we could be giving our power away.
4. Not speaking up when something is wrong: This could present as passive aggressive behavior, when someone asks us what’s going on or how we are feeling we just say “fine” or “okay” even when we aren’t fine or okay. You know what I mean. If we are hurt, upset, sad, or whatever we don’t tell anyone about it. Or speak up for what we need and/or want. People cannot read our minds, and doing this will only ensure that we are walked all over and our needs or wants aren’t known or respected.
5. Not trusting yourself: If we can’t trust ourselves and how we feel, how can other people? They cant! If we come across as wishy washy, unsure of our point of view or thoughts about something, people are less likely to hear us, let alone respect our perspective.
I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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This is my most favourite video you have made.
It's so on point, and speaks volumes.
Thanks always for your amazing work 💖💛💙
Something my counsellor said today: "You are not a victim. The only people who are victims are children, because they are dependent on adults. You have the power to speak up and be assertive."
She also said "You need to be your own best friend first."
Timely video :)
I love that!! And she's right... labeling ourselves as victims takes away the power we need to be assertive and heal. Thank you so much for sharing!!! xoxo
@Ella Rose
My parents have disabilities.
Having a disability doesn't automatically mean you have no power to make choices to improve your situation.
Being a "victim" and being vulnerable are two different things.
As people with disabilities, my parents are vulnerable to exploitation. But seeing them as victims who need help and rescuing just disempowers them.
@Ella Rose
People who are uneducated/unaware can be given resources to become educated.
Minority groups have power as well to make changes in their lives and relationships.
Being a black woman, or being gay and trans, doesn't have to stop you from getting the help you need and resources to take power back in your relationships.
Sure there are systemic issues that need addressing, but that doesn't make these people "victims", the term "victim" is disempowering. They are vulnerable though.
Seeing these people as "victims" rather than vulnerable is kind of like pitying them, and expecting that they can't improve their situation.
dev0n james please refrain from making anymore politically charged statements on here. This is a supportive community and attacking anyone or any particular type of person is not appreciated
@@_just_TK Hard agree.
Also working on not feeling guilty when I assert myself. I always feel bad when I ask the other person to see my perspective and always fear losing them when I express displeasure or opposition. I’m learning that some people will leave and that it often has nothing to do with me, it’s just a part of life and I can’t control the outcome
Lastly I’m also working on not doing all the work in my interpersonal relationships to ensure certain outcomes. Learning to let others do or not do their part too.
I know this isn't related to the video but I've almost gone 2 days without cutting! Thank you for helping me through your videos Kati!
Miranda O'Neill Woot Woot!!! SO proud of you! You got this!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Woot woot!!! Congrats!! So proud of you!! xox
So proud of you!! You got this!!💛
It's been about a month now, I hope you are coping okay with things, Miranda! :)
@@TimeWizard727 Thank you so much for caring. I'm sort of better now, am coping with things ok now, Thank you! I hope you are ok too, I hope you have a great day
Love that last tip! I had to force myself to stop saying "You made me mad, sad, etc" and "You ruined my day" because in the end, YOUR REACTION to what they said/did is what ruined your day or made you upset. Changing your reaction to situations is so powerful.
Exactly!! It can be hard at first.. but so life changing!!! xoxo
I get that partly, but aren't you also supposed to communicate your feelings? I would love to have other people's actions never affect me in the slightest, but of course I'm simply not a robot and if someone actually hurts me, shouldn't I let them know how that made me feel?
@@joelleweetjewel9948 Oh yeah for sure! I've just eliminated "you made me" phrases. Now I use the more appropriate "I feel" statements to communicate instead.
@@Katimorton thanks for the response! Made my day 😊
Unrelated to the video:
You ever have things happen that makes you realize you're missing something? I just had a dream I was cuddling with someone and when I woke up it made me realize how lonely I actually feel. So that was fun to wake up to.
Realizing I did EVERY SINGLE ONE of the first 5 behaviors in my first romantic relationship that just ended a few months ago. I've got some work to do, thank you Kati!
I struggled with ALL of these! Living with a mom with bpd your videos helped me to understand her and myself which was the start of me actually living my OWN life. Really hard to do, but absolutely worth it! Thanks kati!
I just love the way you sayyyy, "Welcome!!!".
She sounds like she's talking to preschoolers 😆
Everyone does 😂
Cutest!
It always seems like a hiccup to me.
I feel like I’ve lost all of my power, I’m almost 30 but still live with my parents because of my multiple chronic illnesses. It’s shit because as an adult and relying fully on my parents especially financially, I don’t feel like I have the right to have any power of my own.
I'm so sorry. I'm almost in the same situation, so I totally understand. It's a horrible feeling.
omg i really needed this rn, i really like when you make videos on things like this because it makes me feel less alone knowing that it’s a common thing that people actually do and i’m not the only one ❤️
This video took me days to finish because it was so true of where I am at in many of my relationships. It has given me a lot to think about. I still find the idea of “power” hard to understand. Do I want power? Why does it make me so uncomfortable? Is this why I give away so much of it? I don’t know. What I can do now is work on some of these things (self talk, knowing what I want, maybe even telling others when I am hurt) to make my relationships healthier and take responsibility for my part. Thanks, Kati, great video as always.
Ah your videos are so amazing!!!! I always mention you in therapy my therapist literally says “let me guess kati Morton made a video on that” thank you for these videos they are so informative!
Thats really cool. I should do the same
Blondie-11 let me know if you do!’
@@bellaandsevy5338 sure I will be glad to. Katie is a fantastic resourse.
Ginger Snapped my therapist used to refer to Kati as my “2nd therapist”! 😹.
hahah!! I love it :) xoxo So glad they are helpful!!
I definitely used to do this in my romantic relationships, because of all the pressure to "be cool, be chill, don't rock the boat". My relationships actually became more successful when I would actually say "this is what I want" or "when you said x it really hurt my feelings", instead of trying to pretend to be so okay with everything all the time!
I'm actually in a situation right now thought where a friend did something damaging to a loved one of mine, and I've been struggling so much with that thought of "they ruined my life, they need to do apologize and fix it". This video combined with your one about dealing with anger really made me realize how much I'd been avoiding processing my feelings and doing my own work. Thanks!
Honestly I truly needed this. My therapist is an hour and a half away from me and this is the kind of thing I wonder about... I didn't want to go an hour and a half away to try and spit all of this out in an hours time, so thank you. I really appreciate it ❤️
Hey Kati, is possible if you can start Q&A’s again, or is there a reason why you’re not able to/don’t prefer it? I really enjoyed them mainly bc others asked questions that I was afraid to ask myself, and I liked your supportive and specific answers to your questions. Im not sure if you’ll read this comment, but I gave it a try! Anyways, i always love your videos and thanks for putting extra time each week to produce them!
Just Random Kati still dose FAQ’s on her Patreon! If you become a Patron you can also join Kati & other Kinions on livestreams! Unfortunately, she doesn’t do too may livestreams on other platforms due to time constraints as well as issues with people trolling them. The paywall on Patreon tends to keep trolls out. Kati still makes videos based on people’s questions on her channel but due to time constraints she doesn’t make videos answering multiple questions anymore. Clean out her Patreon at www.patreon.com/katimorton
This video is perfect timing. I've been struggling with exactly this. Thank you for sharing some great tips!
thank you for your videos. they are wonderful!!
Thank you! This is so helpful!! 😊
This is such a good video because there are no mind games or similar crap, just clear reflection on our behaviors and how to correct them.
THANK YOU! This was a powerful and helpful video! I appreciate all that you are sharing on your channel. I believe your heart and message is speaking to so many and is helping people one video at a time.
Thank you Kati! This is so helpful!!
I love your content, and I relate to it. The over-apologizing is crazy and I used to do it so automatically without realizing it. Thanks!
really needed this one. thank you.
I feel rageful. This video brought back memories of whenever I was upset with my dad about a year ago; And every time I brought it up, my mom kept saying, “By being mad, you’re giving your power away.” It felt so invalidating because I felt like it was taking away my right to feel the way I did. The thing I want the most right now is to be loved unconditionally and to have my experience validated. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts recently because I don’t feel loved and I feel like my family isn’t taking my mental health seriously. It truly feels like they just don’t care about me. I so desperately want to be loved unconditionally 🥺😔
Anthony Ramirez don’t give up, with the right help, IT DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️❤️❤️. Please watch this video IMMEDIATELY! th-cam.com/video/6n3XEbloPRI/w-d-xo.html
Unfortunately, you can’t control others and it sounds like you’re family may not be capable of filling ur desire for unconditional love. You will need to learn how to love yourself and to not have to rely on others to fill that need. I’ll link a few helpful videos below, but know that you are loved and people do care about you! ❤️❤️
th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/q8pAGS2VH3Q/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/kLjD7wsDq3E/w-d-xo.html
Hey, how are you doing now?
I'm so glad you posted this video, we teach people how to treat us!
i NEEDED this so much right now, thank you 💖
Really needed this, thank you!
Beautifully said! Powerfully true!
Thank you for this. It was such a helpful reminder of the things my therapist use to say to me. Love this video!
love ur videos. u make so much sense
Damn, just something i really needed and right on time! Thank you so much!
I love your videos Kati, they are always so helpful! 😊, loved this video
Just in time! I needed to hear this!
Love your message
She is great. She helps me a lot.
Thank you you don’t know how much I needed this video today
excellent as always!
Thank you Kati
Very, very, very good advice!
Thank you for sharing these. I've been having an especially hard week and needed these reminders! (Also: I appreciate the smooth and slow camera transition for the lists!)
this is so relevant to me right now!!! thank you again for another informative & helpful video, Kati :)
Thanks Kat.. This video is so helpful.. 😊😊😊
This is an amazing video. Like always very helpful and workable points. I have been working on the over-apologising and taking decisions but have to work on the rest.
Once again, Thank you for everything you do Kati!!!
Yo I KNOW I can definitely be wishy washy and passive aggressive lol maybe more often than I'd like to admit. I appreciate your videos because they really help me look inward! Getting to know yourself is never ending
So true.
I needed this!
Thank you for the advice!
Thanks Katie Morton for this advise in your video. I'm going to give this a try and work on it.
Thank you for making this video ❤️❤️❤️
Love the way you say "welcome" with that sunny attitude :)
Thank you!!!
Yes this is something I need this. I am working on this in therapy. Its hard work but I have been taking back the power and it feels good. I am focusing on myself and I don't say sorry anymore unless I do something that hurts someone but self work is worth it
Ohhh you know I need this one 💕
xoxox
Thanks Kati... i really respect you for the service you are doing.. 😘😘
Wise words Katie, thanks!
So helpful. Love you 😘❤️
Thank you Kati!
Of course Paula :) xoxo
Thank you for today's video Kati. I wanted to let you know that I shared your "emotionally immature" video with a friend. She really benefited from it and she now is watching more of your videos. Thank you for helping people with their life situations!
Theresa Leszczynski WOOT WOOT!!!
Yay!! So glad!!! xoxoxo
Sorry this has low views but it really helped me -- thank you, Kati!!!
I feel like anyone can relate to this video... whether you’re in a romantic relationship or even living with your parents!
All those ways people give power away, in my case seem to be learned behaviours because of the abuse and neglect in my childhood. And people say now that my childhood is over, it doesn't impact me anymore.
Childhood abuse can negatively impact the rest of your life. So the people who said that are ignorant.
This video sounds right up my alley lately. Lol. God is that you it’s me Carly.
Really Helpful. Ty!.
Of course!! Glad it was helpful :) xoxo
There's NOTHING WRONG with acknowledging that you ARE an actual victim of past abuse. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that your abusive family DID ruin your life. I have numerous physical illnesses, plus PTSD (which includes numerous phobias, etc), because of them. They ARE to blame. I don't expect them to apology or fix anything. But I have a right to be honest with myself about the reality of how my life became so horrible. I AM helpless and powerless due to my PTSD, and the way they mentally, emotionally and physically crippled me to the point I can't live a normal life. So to say that I'm "playing the victim" or "choosing to feel terrible" is plain ignorant. People with PTSD don't CHOOSE it.
I didn't choose to have those things happen to me as a kid.
But seeing myself as a victim now is not empowering.
I have the power to take responsibility and rise above what happened to me as a kid.
It's not easy. I struggle a lot with emotional dysregulation and emotional flashbacks, and transference and attachment issues in my relationships, but I have been trying to educate myself on strategies and tools to get better at managing emotions and better at relating in healthy ways.
I don't have to stay where I started in life, I have the power to educate myself and get therapy and try to do better.
Thank you Kati, this is empowering :) I'm going to search to see if you have a video on selfish behaviour and how to cope with it in others.
Caitlin Quinn I don’t think Kati has a video specifically on that but Ck out her video on dealing w/ toxic people! th-cam.com/video/vAcWIRuoZRc/w-d-xo.html
@@_just_TK thank you :)
This video is really amazing, thanks Kati (specially for the honest)! Only regret I have is not having watched it back on the 8th :)!
I heard a person in AA talk about feeling sorry for yourself. She said it went, "Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink." I've heard people decry all the little slogans in AA, but for me they are right on point.
I really like how you explained this topic. The examples were very helpful. I've been working on this issue for the last 5 years and still am of course, it has been a struggle. The thing I find the hardest is finding the balance between trusting your own opinion and the actions that come with that, finding out it was an unhealthy relationship but keeping that relationship healthy. With family for example. How do you continue trusting and building that relationship, when your commitment lay elsewhere. I don't want to point fingers and act like a victim, but I don't want to be (made) accountable for things that are obviously not done by me. What I mean is, what do you do when the dominant one of the relationship is abusive, while playing the victim? Other than break the relationship of.
You're so amazing for doing this!!!
xoxo
@@Katimorton 😍😍😍
Hi Kati, thanks so much for all of your videos! Tuning in has helped me to see that my struggles are valid and I'm finally in therapy. But I feel this utter sense of hopelessness and helplessness that seems to transcend everything I'm working through, (and I've been able to identify this since elementary school: being deeply emotionally misunderstood by my parents & also them being in a codependent relationship). Also thanks for helping me better understand these concepts.
Joy Pitzer sorry you’re going through a rough time right now, but w/ the right help IT DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️❤️❤️. I’ll link Kati’s playlist below as well as a few helpful videos!
th-cam.com/play/PL_loxoCVsWqzZv5mmk-Xw4IvoHRzc7ki4.html
th-cam.com/video/_IoIQRyMBmI/w-d-xo.html
@@_just_TK TK thanks so much that means a lot.
Joy Pitzer ❤️👍
Thank you for your transparency and saying that you have a problem with this. I have this problem too. In fact, your video could not have come at a better time as I just had an argument with my boyfriend and ended up over-apologizing even though I had the right to be upset. This will help me a lot.
I find that when I look over the places I over-apologize, I get a lot of insight as to what my inner critic is saying to me for how I need to behave and then the apology comes in response to that. many times the other person doesn't even think I need to apologize at all.
Love this video, adding it to my rehab and developement of self love.
I wish I could find a good video about toxic birth family and sisters with i NPD qualities.
Stephen Loeffler you may find theses videos helpful!
th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/XTLcYGXUWpM/w-d-xo.html
I was really dependant in relationships, still am. And I felt a lack of control that pushed me into reaching into those relationships more and that made my friends feel like they should pull back. Even though I'm less dependant I still feel a push to connect more than they do, and although it's hard I seen when I pull back more and pretend that I'm okay, or they don't need to call me back - that's when they reach out to me more. I feel so much more in control, calm, etc
Thank you so much Kati. I Love your videos.
Can you please do a video on anger please
Deer K Kati already has several great videos on anger!
th-cam.com/video/pb3ii5lq0jM/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/3hiHmIo-qrk/w-d-xo.html
This is one of my favorite video 😍 can you make a video on stalking and its effects on relationship.
So cute 4:24 the little star dust when pointed at the screen～
Your videos are truly amazing! Saving me cash on in person therapy not kidding, haha.
Hi Kati, Love your videos and they are very helpful. Can you consider doing a video on "Someone enjoying the pain, sufferings, and failures of others." I believe it is called "Schadenfreude
Yes it is definitely called Schadenfreude, I can tell bc I am german 😁
@@Madamekittylein I have a sister who enjoys the pain and sufferings of others. My dad had this as well. Could it be genetic? Thank you for the reply.
Can relate to people pleaser. Thanks for the info.
Of course!! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
Even though I found this video generally helpful I am not convinced that "Stop thoughts even in your head showing you as the victim" is all that much of a good idea. Not because I am for not taking responsibility and not being the victim, but because trying to stop your thoughts makes them worse. Whatever you try to avoid comes all the more and maybe in more unconcious ways you can´t controll. Rather than doing that it would be more important to heal the underlying wounds and while healing starting to realize, that you can do it on your own.
We give our power away to people because we think they are true friend but at the same time even if they are your friend, you are the number one and they are number two, you are much more important than them and Than everyone else.
My boss is great when he could see that I was slipping into being a victim he very quickly but supprtively pointed out which was really useful and helped me overcome the problem
I relate to this so much
It's so funny, I very strongly relate to all of those things and I've just recently started acknowledging it. I went on vacation with two friends, so we were very close together all the time and I was very often secretly upset with them. That's when I realized how badly I let what I think other people think of me affect my mood. And I play the victim to try to force them to change their opinion on me.
This video rocks thank you kati
Awe yay!! Of course :) xoxo
The budgie rocks, too
Hey Kati. I hope this is the right place to ask you questions. I'm autistic, and I have a difficulty with relationships in general (especially friendships). I have a tendency to let people walk all over me, but I'm working on that. My question is, how do I deal with friends who make me feel stupid? Two of my friends are super intelligent, really well educated people. I love them to bits, and they've always been supportive, but lately they've been talking down to me, making me feel stupid because I don't know things that they do (and they act like not knowing these facts is a failing), and getting annoyed with me for my bad memory. (My memory sucks due to an abusive relationship where I was gas lit, and a chronic pain syndrome that causes brain fog as a symptom.) How do I deal with friends who have changed like this without ruining the relationship?
PhantasmagoriaObscura You can always try to post it in the comments right after a video drops & Kati will probably see it. By far the best way is to join Kati’s Patreon where she answers questions on her livestreams! Ck it out at www.patreon.com/katimorton
I just had an experience with a counselor whom I never met or talked to and she calls and gives me an appointment on my answering service, when I spoke to her receptionist I was told she was,coming to my home, I was appauld not given my choice to meet her at the Office instead. When I did talk to the therapist I let her know how unprofessional that's scary, she didn't give me respect to make a decision.
Yeah I was bullied for many years and I continue to feel this pulling to go within and find myself. It's been quite an interesting journey. We all need to find our true selves more :)
Ilysm XOXO
Thoughts to dream by as I go into my night and wish you a good day.
Hey Kati can you do a video on abandonment and what damage it can do to someone. I haven’t seen you do it yet, you’ve only talked about fear of abandonment. I hope you see this, thank you
I love your videos, kati 💕
Awe thank you Marina!! xoxo
I think the last one is true, I always say if they just apologize I can move on and heal and everything will be okay and I have to learn that I have to heal myself. There is a guy who hurt me and for the past year I have been saying all I want him to do is apologize and I won’t press charges I was only 17, just turned 18 and nothing come of it and now I did not press charges cause I thought this would make him feel more inclined to apologize and now I’m stuck with neither and powerless. Like he won and I lost.....
I'm watching your videos since 2017 . I'm your regular viewer . 🌹dear Kati,, to be very honest you've helped me through your videos . kinions are always supporting and uplifting each other . your kinion website is an amazing gift 🌠💞 . though I'm not able to chat there cz I don't use Facebook . still your videos has changed my perspective 🌟 . A single thank you can't define my thankfulness . 💞 seriously ,,, I don't know how to thank you . 💖🌠 . love ya Kati 💖 . I'm your forever well wisher .💕💕💕💕💞 stay blessed 🌟🌹
Awe I am so glad you've been finding the videos and community so helpful!! Yay!!! xoxo
Thank you Kati for a great video! I'm gonna try it out ❤️ Just one question: how do we combine things we want in a partnership? For example I want my home to be very clean and keep things in their place, but my partner doesn't share that dream ;) maybe it sounds silly but we haven't found good solution yet. Space is small so we can't really divide it and I know me nagging him or cleaning everything won't help. Any advice?
Yes!
So true
This is something I’m working on myself. Recently asserted myself with someone because they went MIA. Told them I accept their apology but some reassurance in the interim would have helped and not left me wondering where we stand. They invited me somewhere and left me wondering when they went MIA so yea. I unfortunately haven’t heard back from them but as I’m sure you know, asserting yourself with a loved one who has BPD can be difficult
Overall, I was feeling emotionally exhausted in all of my interpersonal relationships until I started paying attention to who was responding to what I was communicating. It’s getting easier now and I feel less like a broken record
Dear doctor,your video of "emotionally immature" has been helpful.thank you i feel i myself is Emitionally immature .if you can give me recommandations about books which help people overcome immaturity,i will be very gratrful ...thank you
Can you please do a video about drug abuse. It's okay if you don't read my message but just wanted to say thank you for all your help it really means a lot to me.
Cheyenne Gillon Gibson Ck out Kati’s playlist on addiction! th-cam.com/play/PL_loxoCVsWqzSlM3Xf6G5n5mli7LogtbF.html
I do have videos on addiction!! Check them out and i hope they help :) xox