if my son (4y) is upset, and I tell him "I see, you are upset, let's take a breath" (which was a suggestion I've seen given by so many child sociologist online), he is going to be so mad at me, like he gets 10 times more frustrated at me if try to calm him down, with helping him to process his emotions or take a break.. What I noticed is that if I give him 1 minute and then I start telling him a story about me, when I was a kid and I was upset and so on, he generally (of course not 100% of the times, but more around 85%) nags a bit, then start listening and after asks questions such as "and what did you do next?" or "and now where is that toy?". It has been so hard to regulate myself when he goes deregulated, especially in public places.. (up to 5 months ago) he was the kid who would have a meltdown in the supermarket, just going mental on the floor, screaming and kicking, and I lost the count on how many random ppl came to us (yes, to him as well) speaking and saying the most random things, here are few: "what are you fussing so much?" "Are you crying because you bad mom doesn't want to buy you a toy?" "what a bad boy!" And all this was so hard, because he was disregulated, I was trying to regulate myself to deal with what was for me an extremely overwhelming situation (my brain goes in the Flight mode so quickly when there are loud noises.. and if I can't flight I feel like and animate caught in a trap), and I am one of those ppl who don't fight with strangers, but still... HOW CAN YOU SAY TO ME AND MY SON THAT WE ARE BAD, when it's obvious we are having and hard time.. I remember the head hakes I would have to keep being polite, but still be supportive to my child, and at the same time calm my self down.. I remember a couple of times crying at the supermarket, from the exhaustion.. and one of the things I find highly uncomfortable is to cry in public places..
I’m so sorry. That is extremely frustrating. I wish people would have more compassion and/or mind their business. You are doing a great job and your son is lucky to have you as his mama.
I just love how she empathizes with all the callers. She is modeling even her voice to match theirs and takes care of their inner child prior jumping in to the parenting strategies (which btw I truly appreciate)
Dr. Becky. First thank you so much for all you do. You were recommended by a therapist that is trying to help us with our DFK. I just ordered your book good inside after watching your interview with Lewis Howes. My son is 10 he has ADHD, sensory issues and anger management issues. We also have a 9 year old daughter. My son is always saying such mean and hurt full things to her. She get so upset, rightly so. How do we handle our son? We try consequence, like taking away his I pad or PS 5. Nothing works. How do we get him to stop saying mean and hurt full things to her. Thank you so much.
It’s not the anger, it’s the scary defensive reaction for your intervention, they reject help; even they deadly need it. They feel shame because of their normal vulnerability. Because they feel things more than normal people. Your case is different. Because dfk can’t cry because they will feel more shameful. So please give the necessary help to your kid because it’s clear that she is suffering and you must understand her life details to be able to intervene for good.
A lot of the information I see/hear is for younger kids. Mine is 11. The information is still helpful, but I feel like some doesn’t apply to me. Any advice?
Your comment is old but I wanted to say she now has a lot of information on teens ans tweens on her website. It's worth the subscription fee to access it.
I think the podcast was great and helpful, though I don't think it answered what to do if your child is bigger then you or stronger and you need to physically stop them before they hit their siblings or run into the road...
Conscious discipline training answers all questions and it’s so so good! I am on section 8. But it addresses so much and it is put in such a way that is so easy to understand.
Her methods aren’t realistic all the time, and are really just for little toddlers. There aren’t enough hours in the day to be empathetic, patient, understanding, etc etc for every meltdown and tantrum. Parents have to sleep and go to work, etc.
You can be empathetic without stopping your life to do it. Sometimes when I'm cooking dinner, a kid melts down, and I empathize with them for a couple of minutes (if possible) and then just allow their feelings to take their course and burn off, without judgment. It's not a big deal. All feelings pass if they are allowed to.
@@Sacr3dfeather95 BS stop sitting on a pedestal holier than thou. Kids can’t be coddled every second for every little thing that doesn’t go their way. Because the real world doesn’t give a F. I didn’t say anything about teaching emotional regulation, so you obviously don’t know how the F to read. I wrote it’s not possible to stop everything and show empathy for every emotion for every little thing that doesn’t go right. Empathy for not getting the color lollipop your kid wants? Empathy for getting a smaller scoop of ice cream? Empathy for shoes coming untied randomly? You’d never get through your day. Teaching emotional regulation to kids would be to tell your kid to buck up and get through the little things and not tantrum every little thing. So in reality, you can’t show empathy for little sh!t that happens to your kids, because like I said, the real world doesn’t give a F and they will just be whiny complainers that people want to avoid.
could you tell me why in the last call you would not just spank her for hurting others and scare the hell out of her for acting like i should just give you time out . why would i not want to make that kid ashamed of how they behaved? really want to know
If we don't want our kids to hit, we should not hit our kids. It shows them not that their behavior is wrong, but in fact, it shows them that hitting is exactly what they should do when they have power over others. (If their parents do it, why shouldn't they? At least, if they can get away with it.) What you want to do is teach correct behavior, right? So teach. Is it easier for you to learn when you're scared and ashamed (and thus feeling attacked and defensive), or harder? For pretty much all humans, it's much harder. The root of "discipline" is "to teach," not "to punish." It's good for parents to remember that.
Spanking and physical pain is really more of a way to relieve stress from the parents. I think Dr Becky’s advice is good for toddlers only. You can’t constantly emphasize and give sympathy for every minute thing that goes wrong in a kids life. Because in the real world nobody cares. You don’t want kids to leave the house at 18 and be whiny complainers, expecting empathy all the time for tiny things that go wrong in life. They will have no friends and will have to pay for a therapist to listen to their whining because nobody will want to do that for free all the time.
@@DP-eo5xd You can easily empathize with anything that goes wrong in a child's life. It doesn't take much time or effort. Just an open, accepting, kind presence. People like me, who are in therapy, are largely there precisely because my parents never gave two craps what I thought or felt about anything. And if I have to vent to my friends, it's because my parents didn't prepare me with a solid foundation of self-leadership and self-kindness based on their kindness to me. I'm finally, at 43, learning to develop that for myself -- to re-parent myself and build my own foundation of self-worth and self-compassion. I'm finally becoming the functional and emotionally independent human I always hoped to be (which also makes it easier to be with others). I hope my kids go into the world expecting kindness and getting away from people who can't show basic human kindness to others (and/or empathizing with them, since they probably had crappy parents). The "real world" is in large part what we make it. If we expect crap and put out a crappy vibe that assumes the worst of everyone, we'll probably have a crappy life. The world is full of miracles and beauty and kindness, if we know how to look for it and accept it. (And yeah, I've covered war zones as a journalist. I know it's not all rainbows and butterflies. I am not naive.)
@@Pamela_Sinai you can empathize for every single thing that goes wrong in a child’s life but I don’t think a parent should. Parents should be giving the kids ways to cope and fix the problems they face. Little problems can be ignored and pass, bigger problems need work to fix and resilience. But it is wrong in my opinion to offer sympathy for small things like wrong colored lollipops or untied shoes or any other minutia. Because if they need that empathy to cope for such small things, they will be completely lost in the real world because nobody cares and if they try to whine to people about that stuff they will be alone for a long time or have to hire a therapist to listen to their whining
@@DP-eo5xd I'm an adult, and I appreciate a moment of empathy if I get the wrong flavor of what I want, etc. (Like if they give me the wrong dessert at a restaurant and run out of the one I wanted.) It's just being human. Kindness does not make kids feel lost. On the contrary. When their own parents seem indifferent to them, that's when people are lost. They have no basis from which to feel self-worth, to feel seen and valued. Ignoring kids when they have little problems means they won't trust us when they have big ones. They will go to peers for that, and you end up with the immature leading the immature.
if my son (4y) is upset, and I tell him "I see, you are upset, let's take a breath" (which was a suggestion I've seen given by so many child sociologist online), he is going to be so mad at me, like he gets 10 times more frustrated at me if try to calm him down, with helping him to process his emotions or take a break.. What I noticed is that if I give him 1 minute and then I start telling him a story about me, when I was a kid and I was upset and so on, he generally (of course not 100% of the times, but more around 85%) nags a bit, then start listening and after asks questions such as "and what did you do next?" or "and now where is that toy?".
It has been so hard to regulate myself when he goes deregulated, especially in public places.. (up to 5 months ago) he was the kid who would have a meltdown in the supermarket, just going mental on the floor, screaming and kicking, and I lost the count on how many random ppl came to us (yes, to him as well) speaking and saying the most random things, here are few:
"what are you fussing so much?"
"Are you crying because you bad mom doesn't want to buy you a toy?"
"what a bad boy!"
And all this was so hard, because he was disregulated, I was trying to regulate myself to deal with what was for me an extremely overwhelming situation (my brain goes in the Flight mode so quickly when there are loud noises.. and if I can't flight I feel like and animate caught in a trap), and I am one of those ppl who don't fight with strangers, but still... HOW CAN YOU SAY TO ME AND MY SON THAT WE ARE BAD, when it's obvious we are having and hard time.. I remember the head hakes I would have to keep being polite, but still be supportive to my child, and at the same time calm my self down..
I remember a couple of times crying at the supermarket, from the exhaustion.. and one of the things I find highly uncomfortable is to cry in public places..
I’m so sorry. That is extremely frustrating. I wish people would have more compassion and/or mind their business. You are doing a great job and your son is lucky to have you as his mama.
I just love how she empathizes with all the callers. She is modeling even her voice to match theirs and takes care of their inner child prior jumping in to the parenting strategies (which btw I truly appreciate)
This is amazing...especially the response to the last caller.
Dr. Becky. First thank you so much for all you do. You were recommended by a therapist that is trying to help us with our DFK. I just ordered your book good inside after watching your interview with Lewis Howes. My son is 10 he has ADHD, sensory issues and anger management issues. We also have a 9 year old daughter. My son is always saying such mean and hurt full things to her. She get so upset, rightly so. How do we handle our son? We try consequence, like taking away his I pad or PS 5. Nothing works. How do we get him to stop saying mean and hurt full things to her. Thank you so much.
Did you listen to the whole podcast above? She explains it well near the end. Good luck! Keep strong!
Would anger reactions be the thing that identifies a DFK? What if they instead quietly cry and cannot say why?
It’s not the anger, it’s the scary defensive reaction for your intervention, they reject help; even they deadly need it. They feel shame because of their normal vulnerability. Because they feel things more than normal people. Your case is different. Because dfk can’t cry because they will feel more shameful.
So please give the necessary help to your kid because it’s clear that she is suffering and you must understand her life details to be able to intervene for good.
Thank you for sharing 😊 I benefit a lot
Thank U!just bought also your book in Romania!❤
🙏🏾 thank you!
Humm...... thanks I never felt this connected....
A lot of the information I see/hear is for younger kids. Mine is 11. The information is still helpful, but I feel like some doesn’t apply to me. Any advice?
Your comment is old but I wanted to say she now has a lot of information on teens ans tweens on her website. It's worth the subscription fee to access it.
I think the podcast was great and helpful, though I don't think it answered what to do if your child is bigger then you or stronger and you need to physically stop them before they hit their siblings or run into the road...
Conscious discipline training answers all questions and it’s so so good! I am on section 8. But it addresses so much and it is put in such a way that is so easy to understand.
Usually mothers call the father in this case, especially if they are teens it’s hard to deal with them alone! They need a man in their life.
I need this😭😭😭
Me too ❤
Parenting is so hard！😭😭😭
✅
Her methods aren’t realistic all the time, and are really just for little toddlers. There aren’t enough hours in the day to be empathetic, patient, understanding, etc etc for every meltdown and tantrum. Parents have to sleep and go to work, etc.
You can be empathetic without stopping your life to do it. Sometimes when I'm cooking dinner, a kid melts down, and I empathize with them for a couple of minutes (if possible) and then just allow their feelings to take their course and burn off, without judgment. It's not a big deal. All feelings pass if they are allowed to.
I just read "i refuse to make the time to teach my children emotional regulation bc my life is busy"
@@Sacr3dfeather95 BS stop sitting on a pedestal holier than thou. Kids can’t be coddled every second for every little thing that doesn’t go their way. Because the real world doesn’t give a F. I didn’t say anything about teaching emotional regulation, so you obviously don’t know how the F to read. I wrote it’s not possible to stop everything and show empathy for every emotion for every little thing that doesn’t go right. Empathy for not getting the color lollipop your kid wants? Empathy for getting a smaller scoop of ice cream? Empathy for shoes coming untied randomly? You’d never get through your day. Teaching emotional regulation to kids would be to tell your kid to buck up and get through the little things and not tantrum every little thing. So in reality, you can’t show empathy for little sh!t that happens to your kids, because like I said, the real world doesn’t give a F and they will just be whiny complainers that people want to avoid.
Kids can learn things and this will actually make your life easier long term
Good luck getting along with the kid who becomes a teenager and doesn't like himself very much and doesn't like you very much either.
could you tell me why in the last call you would not just spank her for hurting others and scare the hell out of her for acting like i should just give you time out . why would i not want to make that kid ashamed of how they behaved? really want to know
If we don't want our kids to hit, we should not hit our kids. It shows them not that their behavior is wrong, but in fact, it shows them that hitting is exactly what they should do when they have power over others. (If their parents do it, why shouldn't they? At least, if they can get away with it.)
What you want to do is teach correct behavior, right? So teach. Is it easier for you to learn when you're scared and ashamed (and thus feeling attacked and defensive), or harder? For pretty much all humans, it's much harder.
The root of "discipline" is "to teach," not "to punish." It's good for parents to remember that.
Spanking and physical pain is really more of a way to relieve stress from the parents. I think Dr Becky’s advice is good for toddlers only. You can’t constantly emphasize and give sympathy for every minute thing that goes wrong in a kids life. Because in the real world nobody cares. You don’t want kids to leave the house at 18 and be whiny complainers, expecting empathy all the time for tiny things that go wrong in life. They will have no friends and will have to pay for a therapist to listen to their whining because nobody will want to do that for free all the time.
@@DP-eo5xd You can easily empathize with anything that goes wrong in a child's life. It doesn't take much time or effort. Just an open, accepting, kind presence.
People like me, who are in therapy, are largely there precisely because my parents never gave two craps what I thought or felt about anything. And if I have to vent to my friends, it's because my parents didn't prepare me with a solid foundation of self-leadership and self-kindness based on their kindness to me. I'm finally, at 43, learning to develop that for myself -- to re-parent myself and build my own foundation of self-worth and self-compassion. I'm finally becoming the functional and emotionally independent human I always hoped to be (which also makes it easier to be with others).
I hope my kids go into the world expecting kindness and getting away from people who can't show basic human kindness to others (and/or empathizing with them, since they probably had crappy parents).
The "real world" is in large part what we make it. If we expect crap and put out a crappy vibe that assumes the worst of everyone, we'll probably have a crappy life. The world is full of miracles and beauty and kindness, if we know how to look for it and accept it. (And yeah, I've covered war zones as a journalist. I know it's not all rainbows and butterflies. I am not naive.)
@@Pamela_Sinai you can empathize for every single thing that goes wrong in a child’s life but I don’t think a parent should. Parents should be giving the kids ways to cope and fix the problems they face. Little problems can be ignored and pass, bigger problems need work to fix and resilience. But it is wrong in my opinion to offer sympathy for small things like wrong colored lollipops or untied shoes or any other minutia. Because if they need that empathy to cope for such small things, they will be completely lost in the real world because nobody cares and if they try to whine to people about that stuff they will be alone for a long time or have to hire a therapist to listen to their whining
@@DP-eo5xd I'm an adult, and I appreciate a moment of empathy if I get the wrong flavor of what I want, etc. (Like if they give me the wrong dessert at a restaurant and run out of the one I wanted.) It's just being human.
Kindness does not make kids feel lost. On the contrary. When their own parents seem indifferent to them, that's when people are lost. They have no basis from which to feel self-worth, to feel seen and valued.
Ignoring kids when they have little problems means they won't trust us when they have big ones. They will go to peers for that, and you end up with the immature leading the immature.